Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

London, England, 2019
One More Time

A horrible screeching noise wakes Levi up, the bright red numbers of his alarm clock on the nightstand telling him it’s 04:58 am, and Levi might be a morning person, but he still hates being awoken before his alarm at five. The clatter that woke him subsides and Levi thinks he might be able to get those extra two minutes when a loud crash followed by a “Fuck!” makes him forget about the dream of those precious minutes. 

Might as well get up and start the day.

The racket — that he’s since concluded is happening in the apartment next to him — keeps going all through Levi's morning routine. The making of his traditional morning rhubarb-and-cream tea — which might sound strange, but he’ll fight you for judging it until you’ve tried it — drinking said tea while reading the newspaper on his iPad.

It doesn’t stop.

At seven am Levi’s showered, had breakfast, and put in time to have another cup of tea — it’s just one of those mornings already, and Levi dreads the oncoming day — but the loud noises from his presumed new neighbour are still coming from next door.

Picking up his iPad, his laptop, and his phone, Levi locks the apartment door behind him and goes to work — hoping that the commotion that disturbs his much-needed peace will have died down by the time he’s off. 

Being an editor is not the most glamorous of jobs, but Levi likes the freedom, the independence it brings. He likes reading books of various genres and he loves watching his authors grow and learn. He likes having a day job, likes having something to do when they’re not on tour.

He especially likes that he can fill up those long travelling hours with something productive. 

“Marco, you need to write more romance, else no one is going to be able to sell this as a love story,” Levi’s handing the flash-drive with his edits back to the young author who’s sitting in front of him. The kid’s good, Levi won’t lie, but he doesn’t quite catch the whole romance in his story, which is a shame, because it’s actually not bad.

“You could, of course, change it up and just focus on the mystery —” Levi starts, pointing to a chapter on his screen, “— it’s got a solid working plot for the book to not suffer if you take out the love story, but if you want the romance to be a part of it, you need to give me something more. More want, more desire, more fire, yeah?”

Marco nods, his dark hair falling in front of his freckle covered face. Levi knows he’s embarrassed, wanting to be perfect on the first try. But that’s just not what being a writer is. Being a writer is rewriting almost everything a million times until some publisher deems it worthy of being printed.

Levi’s, of course, not the one to deem anything worthy, but he’s there to help the aspiring authors to get there.

“Okay, but, how do you suggest I pull more romance into it?” Levi clicks his tongue inaudibly, he knew the kid was going to ask this question, and if Marco damn Bodt would just read his damn notes in the damn thumb-drive in his damn hand, he’d know the answer to that already.

Levi likes working on paper, over email, not face-to-face, but apparently most people want to talk face-to-face when it comes to things like these. Levi scrolls a bit to find an example, “See, here?” He points at the screen at a point where the two main characters engage in a passionate kiss after a near-death experience, “You need to add more fire to this, why do they suddenly have the need to kiss? What do they feel when kissing, before and after the kiss?”

Levi’s scrolling through the scene, pointing out spots that need changing, “You should write any romance scene like you’d write an action scene, but instead of kicks and punches you’ll want to write sighs and whispers, yeah?”

Marco nods again, thanks Levi for his time and leaves. Levi wants to do more for the kid, but he can’t very well write the damn story for him. He needs to learn to do this himself, needs to be able to take critique constructively and not think of it as an attack on his book every time.

As Levi returns home, he stands outside his door to listen, just for a little while — he doesn’t know what he’s hoping, or not hoping to hear, but when he hears nothing he sighs a sigh of relief and enters his apartment.

Just as he’s closed the door and toed his shoes off, a soft knock interrupts the silence Levi’s been craving all day. “Goddammit,” he whispers as he opens the door again. So much for a quiet night.

What stands on the other side of the door is the most hauntingly beautiful creature Levi’s ever seen in his life. Long, chocolate brown hair, heart shaped face, bright smile, and the most gorgeous emerald green eyes he’s ever had the pleasure of observing. The man on the other side is tall, all long legs as he towers over Levi. 

“Hi!” He says, stretching out his hand. Levi looks at it with disdain, this kid — because he looks like he’s in his early twenties, at most — might be so pretty Levi almost chokes and his voice might make Levi’s knees almost buckle, but he still sure as hell aren’t going to touch his hand without knowing where it’s been and —

Hold up.

Hold the fuck up.

But before Levi can even begin to unpack the very confusing — and slightly not straight — thoughts he just had about, who he assumes is his new neighbour, said neighbour chuckles awkwardly and drops his hand, “Uh, yeah so I’m Eren?” And he phrases it like a question, like Levi’s supposed to correct him in his own name and then Levi gets caught in those round eyes and —

omg his eyes are so big and —

“Levi,” he manages to stammer out, completely trying to ignore the gay panic his brain put him in.

pretty and his hair looks so —

soft and he's so fucking tall and —

And Levi’s cursing his brain because he just wants to try to have a normal conversation with his new neighbor like a normal fucking human being. But that certainly ain’t happening.

bet he could pick me up no problem —

fuuuuuuck —

And Eren smiles, like he doesn't know he’s the source of all Levi’s inner turmoil, probably doesn’t, but still he should take some responsibility for being so gorgeous. It’s at this moment Levi’s eyes strays from Eren’s, and he notices that Eren’s wearing a No Name T-shirt from their tour across Europe a few months ago, he’d been so swept up in the kid’s eyes that he barely noticed.

This kid is a fan then. 

Levi’s always been very happy that the three of them — him, Hange, and Mike — have been wearing bandages across their faces for their entire music career. It makes moments like these not as awkward, it lets Levi be able to be normal when they’re not on tour and he can just relax in his apartment without the fear of being bombarded by paparazzi. 

Now, he never thought his new neighbour would sport a limited edition, only-available-in-Germany, fucking signed by Levi himself, No Name t-shirt. It does make things more interesting, but really, Levi’s relieved this kid doesn’t know who he is. 

God only knows what kind of crazy fangirling he’d do then, right in front of Levi himself. 

They chat for a bit about this and that. Eren’s just moved to the city, to the country, to study at the University of Arts, while Levi’s lived in this very apartment for almost all his life. Eren starts blushing and stammering a bit when Levi complains about the screeching noise that woke him up this morning — Levi’s already guessed it was Eren, but he likes to watch the kid sweat for a bit, so he lays his disdain on thick — and even more so when Eren then admits it was him making the racket. He starts apologising profusely and Levi just leans against the open door to his apartment and smirks silently. 

He could have some fun with this one. 

The blush that travels from his ears to his cheeks and down his exposed collarbones and — Levi wants to know how far that colour travels. Does it get lighter as it trails down his chest? Does it intensify instead — could he make it intensify?

Levi learns that Eren’s only twenty-two, while he’s bordering on twenty-eight — to which Eren loudly exclaims ‘you don’t look a day over twenty five!’, and Levi makes a ‘tch’ sound that Hange likes to tease him for — and then a beautiful raven-haired girl comes up the stairs accompanied by an older brunette with the same green eyes as Eren, although hers is a bit more muted.

From what Eren’s told him, this must be his sister and mother, respectively. From what Levi gathers, they live back in Germany, Eren’s home country, but they’re staying at a hotel nearby the first couple of days while he settles. 

Levi’s definitely not jealous of the warm looks Eren gets from his mom when she sees him talking to Levi — ‘a hot neighbour!’ is whispered between her and the younger girl.

Eren tries to introduce Levi to the two women, but Levi’s already had his daily fill of social interaction™ and promptly excuses himself before — gently — slamming the door in the face of the cheerful brunet.

Instead of going over another author’s manuscript like he should, he decides to pick up the guitar. He doesn’t know which song to play, but his fingers seem to figure something out, and a sweet, soft melody fills the emptiness of his apartment.

Words spring out from his lips and later, when he puts the guitar down, he won’t remember the story he’s just told.

This night is ours, spring in the forest air
Let’s pitch our tent among the berries over there
Lead me, my dearest, to the grove of yesterday
Where the brook kindly whispers and the birches sway
Light locks in motion, lingering emotion
A rose scented breeze from the Fae

While he’s singing though, he does remember the words, and he travels. Travels through the birch tree forest, travels like the breeze and the falling leaves in the autumn wind.

Dew drops glitter, the dale is quiet and fair
Dreams coming true for lovers sleeping there
Heather blushing in the evening sun’s last ray
The cool quiet night comes after a perfect day
Light locks in motion, lingering emotion
A rose scented breeze from the Fae

About a half hour later someone knocks — read: pounds — on Levi’s front door and he puts down the guitar to answer it. He’s slightly hoping it might be Eren but he heard the timid knock the kid did earlier so it can only really be —

“Leeeviiiiii! There’s my little shrimp!”

*

When Hange finally leaves, Levi goes right back to editing manuscripts. 

By the time the digital clock on Levi’s oven says nine-forty-five and the sun has gone down, leaving the city below with a darkened blue hue, Levi’s done with the manuscript. The author, Armin Arlert, has a lot of good ideas, but he’s very bad at picking the ones that should stay. He usually writes all of them and Levi’s left having to read and edit hundreds of pages filled with small stories within the main one that reminds him of Hange having to do all the side quests in video games before advancing in the main one.

Levi’s about to get up and heat up some leftover lasagne from last night, when he hears music. 

Hey, if you don't mind
I think there's something wrong with a friend of mine
She's wasting away all her time
Looking through the past for something
You'll feel it coming, her mind's a running

Not just any music, his music. 

His song.

She sits across the room from an old TV
With just her mind, she controls the screen
The things she'll show you are so obscene 'cause
It makes her laugh when she makes you scream

The soft guitar is what he recognizes first but then the words filter out through the wall and Levi’s surprised because he hasn’t heard this song in ages. It was one of the first songs he wrote, one where he put all his thoughts and feelings into music, and it was never officially recorded in a proper studio — he’s pretty sure the only version of the song that exists are mobile videos of their concerts.

Do you hear her?
She's whispering secrets you'll never tell
'Cause she'll turn your days into a living hell
There's no escaping if you give her the chance

It’s very strange hearing that song again — it’s always strange hearing his own voice — but it’s also kind of nice. It reminds Levi of where they started. Reminds him of how far he’s come, not just professionally — they all have come far in that aspect — but personally, too. 

Back then, he used to be so angry at the world, wanting to either destroy it or fix it but he could never figure out which. Maybe, maybe he wanted to do both. Maybe he wanted to tear it down before he built it back up — though he knows now that he can’t do either, and he accepts it.  

Whenever someone asked who ‘she’ was in his song he just… always used to shrug and never answer. 

Hange always looked like she knew, though — knew that Levi was talking about himself and the personification of his inner demons.

He eyes his guitar with disdain where it’s leaning against the counter he’s sitting at, and he wonders where he would’ve been if he hadn’t joined Hange and Mike’s sorry excuse for a band back when he was a silly nineteen-year-old who liked writing poetry. He only really joined out of necessity. They needed a singer, his voice was okay, and the rest is history. 

Levi liked where they used to play at Maria’s, an old, brown pub down the street from their shared university dorm. It’s how Hange and he met Mike, the stupid tree of a man stumbling into their dormitory, into their lives. 

Levi really used to love music, love singing and playing guitar. He liked doing it for the occasional audience at Maria’s, liked writing songs — it’s just… Well when some record producer happened to sit at Maria’s one lousy Thursday night and he heard them play, everything changed. 

Hearing one of the first songs he ever wrote with the intention of eventually singing it is — it’s nostalgic in a way Levi never knew he could feel. It feels like coming home to a place he never knew was his home. It feels like warm hugs and kisses on his forehead and warm scarfs around his neck. It feels like falling asleep, being warm and full and safe.

Can you feel her? Do you fear her?
All she wants is for you to be near her
There's no cause for alarm, she means you no harm if
You do just what she says

Back when they first got discovered and popular, Levi started insisting on hiding his face, and the others just followed along. He didn’t — still doesn’t — want his normal life being affected by his alter ego’s fame. Because that’s who L from No Name is, Levi’s alter ego. Not the usual one, either. They don’t have different personalities or anything like that, but Levi can never show his face on stage, can only hide behind L’s bandages — else he might never be able to have a life after. 

After their fame, after their music.

He knows they can’t play music forever, but the whole after idea seems very far away when they have tours every six months.

He doesn’t regret joining the band, doesn’t regret where he is, but sometimes he wonders. As he sits in his kitchen listening to the ending of the song, he wonders. 

Where could he have been?

She doesn't sleep
She's waging a war on the weak
She's opened the door to your dreams and turned them into nightmares
A life she's gonna keep

She doesn't sleep
Not a wink, 'cause she knows what she needs
And you'll be incorporated if she likes what she sees, what she sees
She's counting the matches before she sets fire to the sheets
She doesn't sleep

Chapter Text

Levi doesn’t really see Eren for the next couple of days. He ran into his mother and sister the day after he first met them, but hasn’t seen them since, either. Levi gets the feeling that Eren is very close with his family, and that they were staying in London for a couple of days while he settled, so he’s surprised he hasn’t bumped into them again. 

‘Staying at a hotel' is what Eren said about his mother and sister, and Levi comes to the conclusion that the kid moved to London alone.  

Brave kid. 

Levi tries to write some music — Hange’s been saying that they need something new for their tour in the summer, and also if a spontaneous concert should pop up, but he still has more than six months to whip something up before June. Levi’s nothing if not a perfectionist, and just ‘whipping something up’ is not what he does best.  

He wants his music to mean something, and listening to his own song through the wall the other day, made him rethink recording it. Maybe that’s exactly what he needs, to feel creative again, actually giving those old songs the end they deserve. To record them, finish them, before he can start on something new. 

He calls up Erwin, their manager, and asks about maybe booking a booth at the label to record some of their old songs. There should be enough to make a smaller album, something for the fans to bide their time with before their tour.

* 

They manage to get ‘She doesn’t sleep’ out in record time, with it already having been written, Levi’s not surprised. Everyone had been free that very same morning and Erwin promises it’ll be released before he’s on the train home. 

Levi’s not surprised. 

The song’s up on Spotify before Levi even arrives at a café downtown.  

Erwin works fast. He’s the best manager they’ve had — they went through some shitty ones back in the beginning that Levi’d rather not think about. He listens to the song as he waits for the young author — and he doesn’t hate it. Which is a surprise, but he does instinctively compare it to the version he heard a couple of nights ago and finds that he actually likes Eren’s voice more than his own in this instance. 

It’s odd, Levi’s always hated when other people would sing his songs. 

Armin Arlert sits down across from him, humming the song. 

And strangely, Levi can’t help but hide a small smirk behind his tea-cup. 

* 

Just as Levi returns from a meeting with Arlert — seriously, that kid needs to learn how to pick and choose — and he’s excited about the prospect of some peace and quiet for the rest of the night, a crash sounds from the apartment next door. 

Levi waits, breath held, both deciding whether he should check on the kid, but also waiting to hear if the ruckus is going to continue into the night. 

When another crash is heard, followed by a muffled curse, Levi says goodbye to his quiet night and moves to check whether the kid is alright.  

It takes a while for his knock to be answered, and he’s seriously considering just barging in — he’s never even had a thought like that before, what the hell makes him have it now? 

The door opens slightly and Levi’s standing in front of — seriously, does Germany make them differently over there, or what? This kid is still the most beautiful person Levi’s ever seen in his entire life and why does he suddenly think of a man and beautiful in the same sentence? 

Maybe he should forget about checking up on the kid and just live with the fact that his neighbour is probably going to die some day from something stupid like a couch falling on him. 

Levi’s just going to have to live with that. 

Levi only now notices that Eren looks sweaty, was he working out? The kid’s also holding the door slightly closed, as if he doesn’t want Levi to see what’s inside his apartment. 

Levi clears his throat, “Uh, I heard a crash and I…” he trails off, not quite sure where he was going. Why is he even here?  

The door swings open and next to Eren stands a tiny girl, even shorter than Levi himself. She has long blonde hair and big blue eyes and she looks slightly flushed. Were they working out together?  

She’s wearing a shirt that’s way too big on her, and this is when it clicks.  

Oh. 

“Hi, Levi, uh… This is Historia. Historia, Levi,” Eren introduces with a slight pitch in his voice that Levi can’t discern. She doesn’t stick her hand out and he doesn’t either. The silence is deafening — Levi’s always hated that figure of speech but he feels like it’s appropriate.  

Historia finally clears her throat, smiles at Levi, then at Eren, stands on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek before saying, “This was nice, Eren, we should do it again sometime.” 

Levi both wishes he could leave — he could, he should. But he also wishes he could touch Eren with the same ease and familiarity and he has no idea where that thought, that want, comes from. 

For the first time in his life Levi feels an emotion he can’t put a name on. A feeling he can’t quite describe. 

And then she’s gone, and it’s just Levi and Eren. 

* 

The next time there’s a loud crash and a muffled curse, Levi doesn’t go next door. Instead, he walks to the far side of his living room wall, the one he thinks should be next to Eren’s bedroom, sits down against it, and listens. 

He doesn’t know when he became such a pervert, one to be listening to his neighbour, presumably, having sex. He knows he should get up and leave, put on some music and try to ignore the sounds coming from next door. 

But he can’t. 

There are two voices, moaning, grunting. There are the distinct sounds of skin slapping against skin. How did he get a girlfriend that fast?  

“Fuck.” Someone says, but it’s certainly not Eren. There are some more muffled words that Levi can’t discern, but he suddenly feels hot all over, heat pooling in the bottom of his stomach. 

Eren is with a guy. 

Levi sits there, against the cold wall and just — listens. Listens to the sounds of pleasure and sex from his neighbour and a mystery man. 

Levi sighs, before unbuckling his pants and taking himself in hand.  

He’s already hard. 

It doesn’t take long with Eren’s moans in his ear. 

* 

After sufficient time has gone when Levi hasn’t heard any noises from his hot — far too hot — neighbour, he decides it’s safe to take the trash out. He’d wanted to take it out earlier, but the fright he has of running into Eren’s… person is higher than he cares to admit. 

He leaves his apartment and turns around to lock the door — one can never be too careful, and Levi has many very expensive instruments — but when he’s done, he slams into someone, nose first. 

“What the fuck,” he says on autopilot as his fingers check if his nose is broken. It’s not, thankfully, but still what the fuck. Levi looks up into big hazel eyes on a long face. The guy is tall, taller than Eren even and he has a mullet — a fucking mullet. What is this, the eighties? 

Apparently. 

“Dude, watch where you’re going,” The other man says, and Levi instantly recognises the voice, although when he heard it last it was followed by a mantra of Eren’s name. Levi shakes his head because he can’t think about that right now. 

Levi scoffs, brushes off invisible dirt from his shoulder and goes to leave the tall idiot in the hallway when— 

“Jean! I found your…” 

Eren’s there. Standing in front of Levi with something that looks like underwear in his hands. He seems to notice Levi and his eyes dart from the other person — Jean, what kind of pretentious name is that anyway? — to Levi and back again. 

“Oh… H-hi Levi?” He phrases it like a question again, like he’s not sure if he wants to say ‘hi’, or maybe… maybe he forgot if Levi’s name was actually Levi.  

No matter, Levi’s had enough of this teenage floundering, scoffs again, and leaves the building with his trash. He’s not too much of a coward to go back until he’s sure both of them have stopped loitering in front of his front door, but he does take his sweet time throwing the garbage into the trash can before going back inside. 

Of course — of course Eren’s still there, standing awkwardly in front of Levi’s door. 

“I’m sorry if Jean said anything stupid.” Eren blurts immediately, sounding unreasonably apologetic and Levi just stands there, one eyebrow arched. 

“Something stupid?” He repeats. “Like what?” Somehow, Levi has the insane thought that Eren will take one look into his eyes and know that Levi was listening and know listening wasn’t all that he was doing so his eyes are drawn to a small chip in the paint just past Eren’s shoulder. His broad shoulder.  

Shut up, internal dialogue.  

“Uh, I don’t know?” Eren says, and Levi bets the kid is sweating. “Jean’s kind of a jerk. He has a thoughtful side but it’s sort of hidden under… jerkiness.” Eren’s hand makes a vague gesture in the air as if that explains everything. 

If Levi didn’t know any better he’d think Eren was attempting to defend his choice in sexual partners to Levi, which is ridiculous, because it’s not like he has to. Levi doesn’t know if it’s because Eren’s nervous he’s going to go to the landlord and file a complaint about all of the noise or what, but he just shrugs in a way that he hopes conveys casualness.  

“I’m sure.” And then, because he can’t help it. “I assume the mullet wasn’t the reason you fell for him.” 

Eren starts sputtering and before Levi can properly worry that he’s having a sudden asthma attack he realises Eren is laughing and — fuck, oh fuck, Levi thinks he might be having a heart attack. His heart’s doing something strange, almost somersaulting in his chest and Levi is suddenly in the mood for a nice, cold shower.  

“It’s not so bad.” Eren’s still laughing, tears gathering in his bright ocean eyes, like waves spilling over.   

“It is a bad haircut and you know it.” Levi insists, smiling somehow because Eren’s smiling and it’s seemingly contagious. “He looks like one of those god awful chia pets.”  

Eren nearly doubles over, and Levi didn’t really think it was that funny, but Eren’s trying to catch his breath like he’s just run a marathon. “That’s so mean.” But his eyes are twinkling and Levi thinks Eren has never looked more kissable than he has in this moment. 

That means it’s Levi’s bedtime then, and he should retire for the night before he possibly makes an ass out of himself. 

So, naturally, Levi finds himself asking. “Would you like to come in?” 

Eren blinks, drying his eyes, and before Levi can panic that he’s somehow misread the situation Eren beams like Levi’s just given him the moon. “Yeah, I’d like that.” 

Eren’s too smiley for his own good, Levi thinks.  

He also thinks Eren’s too pretty for Levi’s own good.  

Levi doesn’t have to worry about any sort of mess scaring Eren away, considering there’s not so much as a speck of dust that Levi hasn’t already swept away, but he still feels strangely self-conscious and somehow awkward in his own living room as Eren walks up behind him. Levi’s not exactly a hermit but he also rarely invites friends over that aren’t Hange and Mike, and their activities include getting drunk and watching netflix.  

Asking Eren if he wants a beer is probably a bad idea, because then Levi will have one too and… Hange says he gets starry-eyed when he has too much liquor in his system, and that’s not something Eren needs to see.  

“Wow, your place is really clean.” Eren says, and Levi looks over his shoulder just in time to see Eren visibly cringe. “I mean it as a compliment by the way! Like, you probably shouldn’t come over to mine anytime soon. I can’t even tell if I have carpet or hardwood.” 

Levi tries not to let his disgust show too visibly on his face. “Don’t tempt me. You’ll wake up to me—” Levi almost chokes and says on my knees but while he means scrubbing the ever-loving shit out of Eren’s floors, he doubts Eren would take it that way. “Vacuuming.” Levi says instead, his heartbeat unreasonably loud inside his head.  

“As long as you don’t do it before noon.” Eren winks and before Levi can let that fluster him the rest of the kid’s implication sets in and he’s hardly impressed. 

“You don’t wake up before noon?” 

“I’m on break. Semester hasn’t started yet.” Eren defends with a shrug. “Besides, sometimes I dream up ideas for art projects so it’s basically like research.” 

Levi doesn’t think that’s how it works, but then again some of his best lyrics have come to him in dreams. Dreams of the ocean and a hand holding his, dreams of the eiffel tower at night against a sky like diamonds sewn into black velvet, dreams that feel like memories he hasn’t yet lived. Levi has always had a quite overactive imagination. 

For some inexplicable reason Levi imagines Eren’s hand in his, imagines his hand as unreasonably soft and comfortably warm. Levi thinks of them together under the night sky, sharing whispers and stealing each other’s breath. Levi better not dream about that.  

But it is a good idea for a song.   

Chapter Text

It’s the middle of January and Eren’s been living next door to Levi for a couple of weeks now, and Levi’s still not used to the noises coming from the other man’s apartment. Moans, groans, and skin slapping against skin. When Levi sometimes bumps into Eren’s guests, they’re almost always someone different. He’s of course seen Jean — or whatever his name was — again, but he’s also seen a Historia, a Reiner, and an Annie.

Apparently Eren has a weakness for blonds, or maybe he just doesn’t care who he gets into bed with as long as they can pull those sinful moans from his mouth that Levi is forced to listen to.

Well, not forced per se. Levi chooses to listen. Sits against that one wall in his living room, his own dick in hand as he listens to Eren and random person number one through five. 

Should he feel bad that he masturbates to his neighbour having sex? Probably.

Does he? Not even a little bit.

It probably has something to do with the fact that Eren is seriously the most ethereal and stunning person Levi’s ever laid eyes on. It’s come to the point that when Marco wanted help with designing the main character’s second love interest, Levi immediately started describing Eren.

Soft brown hair, just the right length to grab and pull. Big, expressive eyes that shine in the sun and you can never quite figure out if they’re blue or green or maybe even golden.

Marco had looked at Levi like he had suddenly sprouted a second head which, to be honest, might have been less strange.

*

Due to his more frequent nightly activities, Levi’s taken to doing laundry more often — especially in the middle of the night when he can’t sleep and doesn’t want anyone to walk in on him with cum-stained jeans in his hands. He doesn’t mind it, actually. The water from the laundry machine isn’t taken out of his rent, so he can do laundry as much as he wants in the communal laundry room in the basement. 

Tonight is one of such nights, and Levi’s emptying the contents of the machine down into his basket. He’s halfway through hanging the laundry in his bathroom — because that’s the only room properly ventilated, and he hates having to go back downstairs to get it out of the dryer — when he notices something.

It’s a shirt.

And it’s not his.

Now, this is one of the times Levi regrets using the communal laundry machines, because ew. 

He almost tosses the shirt in the garbage, when he notices the logo.

It’s a fucking No Name shirt, and Levi can probably — in first try, too — guess who it belongs to.

*

Knowing the shirt belongs to Eren and doing something about it are two very different things. See, the thing is, Levi is having two problems. First, he’d rather not bump into one of Eren’s friends again, seeing as they somehow get more awkward every time, especially if it’s someone he’s met before.

Second, he finds that having Eren’s shirt — even if it’s by accident — does something to him. It makes his heart flip in a way he’s not used to. It makes his stomach churn in a way he’s never tried before. 

Is he having a gay panic? No!

Does he want to call Hange to complain about this not-gay panic he’s not having? Definitely not (yes).

Levi glares at the balled up black fabric like this is all the shirt’s fault, like this inanimate piece of cloth with his band’s name on it has personally wronged him. He glares at it for so long he’s honestly surprised it doesn’t burst into flames. 

Levi’s well aware that he’s being unreasonable — a normal person could and would simply walk two feet next door and hand Eren his shirt back, before returning back to their lives, completely unbothered by the whole experience. 

Of course most people haven’t met Eren. Haven’t felt paralyzed by his eyes, sucked into his orbit by a single look that could mean anything except for what Levi secretly wants it to mean. 

Or maybe they have, and maybe their self-control doesn’t plummet the way Levi’s does when Eren looks at them. Maybe Levi’s special.

It does not make him feel better.

Levi almost debates playing rock, paper, scissors with himself to sort this dilemma out but he realises that would be crazier than calling Hange even if she will give him shit about it. It’s not like Levi’s going to give her the dirty details.

Of course, Hange picks up on the second ring. “Where were you thinking?”

Levi blinks, pulling the phone away to look at the number he’s dialled. It’s the correct one, alright. Who does Hange think she’s talking to? “What?”

“Well, you’re calling me on a Tuesday night and we just saw each other this afternoon, so I’m assuming you need my help hiding a body because you don’t do casual calls.” Levi groans, realising that Hange’s teasing. He can picture her shit-eating grin over the phone. 

He has made a grievous error and this is how he pays for his sins.

“I’m hanging up.”

“C’mon Levi, I kid!” She laughs and Levi feels so little he wonders if he’s died inside. 

He somewhat hopes he has. 

Hange only stops laughing when she realises Levi isn’t. “Oh shit, is this something serious?”

“No!” Levi snaps, and then second-guesses himself, looking down at Eren’s T-shirt still clutched in his palm. Now, if only Eren was wearing the shirt and Levi could dig his fingers into that instead, pulling him closer. 

He sighs. “No, it’s not a big deal, really. I just…” He cringes. “Need some advice.”

“Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?” Hange says very seriously without a moment of hesitation and Levi really wishes he had just given Eren his shirt back. 

“I’m being serious.”

“You never come to me for advice!”

“Because more often than not I fear your advice would land me in a mental hospital.” Levi grouses, stalking over to his fridge for a beer, because he’s entirely too sober for this conversation. 

“That’s rude.” Hange pauses. “But not totally unfair. Okay, lay it on me — tell your friend Hange what’s been ailing you so.”

“If you’re going to make a joke out of this, I will show up in your bedroom tonight with a weapon.”

“No! I’m being serious. I mean if you came to me for advice, it must be serious, right?”

“No, not really.” Levi mutters, knowing Hange will hear the lie as clearly as he does. His thumb sweeps over the bottle’s rim idly before he takes a sip, letting the bitter liquid wash over his taste buds. “It’s just a thing.”

“Oh please, don’t spare any details.”

Levi glares at his darkened television screen. “I have a new neighbour who’s a pain in my ass and who’s shirt somehow wound up in my laundry.”

Hange’s blink is almost audible. “... You need advice for sorting laundry? Is it an ugly shirt or something?”

“It’s our official merch.”

“No shit!” Hange’s laugh nearly blows out Levi’s eardrum. He sighs and throws his phone onto the coffee table, putting it on speaker. “So he’s a fan. Is he cute?”

Levi isn’t going to dignify that with a response. “He’s — The point is I don’t want to go over there and risk running into one of his… bedfellows.”

“So give it to him tomorrow.” Hange responds easily and Levi almost chokes on his beer because it really is that simple, isn’t it? “But that’s not advice, that’s common sense. What’s this really about, Levi?”

Levi silently curses himself — Hange is like a bloodhound when it comes to sniffing out people’s problems. Especially Levi’s problems. Sometimes it might be helpful, even thoughtful, but tonight it’s a pain in the ass and Levi now desperately wishes he had just left the shirt balled up on Eren’s doorstep. 

Levi tries to think how to delicately skirt around his problem. “I found that the sight of his shirt amongst my clothes wasn’t as irritating as it might have been if the shirt belonged to someone else. And I also don’t think I want to return it. I will but… not just yet.”

Hange barrels straight into the heart of the problem like a human bulldozer. “So you have a crush.”

“You have the subtlety of a nuclear blast.” Levi mutters. “No, Hange, I do not have a crush on my neighbour. My male neighbour. Who also seems to be partial to blondes — did I mention that?”

“Then dye your hair?” Hange suggestions, sounding worryingly serious.

“That might be helpful if I was at all interested in him, but we’ve established that I am one hundred percent not.”

“Levi. You want to keep his shirt. Probably because it smells like him — or at least it has smelled like him. And probably because you want to imagine pulling it off of him.”

Damn Hange for being so perceptive. “That’s a slanderous lie. He wakes me up every morning and bothers me every night with loud sex noises. He’s loud, he’s loud, and did I mention he was loud?”

“What else?”

“What?”

“Well, Levi, usually when you truly despise someone you have a laundry list of their worst qualities. Let’s hear them.”

Okay, fine, Levi can do that. “Okay, well he’s sweaty. Sweaty and nervous all the time. And he sleeps with this one guy who has a mullet like we’re in a bad eighties horror movie. He told me his apartment is so messy he can’t even see his floor. And he laughs at all of my bad jokes, so he has a shit taste of humour. He smiles at absolutely nothing all of the time, he’s from Germany and still speaks with a slight accent and his eyes — oh, don’t even get me started on his eyes.”

“What about his eyes, Levi?”

“Well they’re not just one colour, they’re like some holy mosaic of green, and blue, and sometimes gold, but only under the right lighting. And at night they look as if they hold all of the constellations in the night sky, and in the sunlight they sparkle like sea glass nestled under waves. They’re always just so pretty and so out of reach and—” Levi claps a hand over his mouth but it’s too late. If it wasn’t obvious before, now he might as well get a tattoo on his forehead that reads in bold, black ink, I am pining over Eren Yeager. 

Okay, yeah, he’s definitely not at all straight. Would have been nice to know in advance and to not have been blindsided by some German eyecandy.

“So you have a crush.” Hange confirms, sounding delighted.

“Eat glass, Hange.” Levi growls, knowing he’s dug this hole all by himself. As if masturbating to the sounds of his neighbor getting fucked — or fucking, Levi doesn’t actually know — every night wasn’t confirmation enough, this is the final nail in the coffin. At least with the masturbation he had some sort of plausible deniability, like, he was thinking of someone else. 

Someone who just happens to moan in the same tone and timbre of Eren’s voice. 

“And it’s a problem because he’s not interested?” Hange asks, and before Levi can let that sear through his heart like the hot blade of a knife, she continues, her voice gentle but searching. “Is it that you know he’s not, or you’ve just decided to ignore the slight possibility that he could be, to prevent getting hurt?”

“That makes me sound pathetic.” Levi mutters, smarting because Hange’s not so far from the truth.

“It makes you sound human.”

“I just enjoy his company.” Levi attempts to deny what is painfully obvious yet again. “I don’t know what that is, but I’m not going to call it a crush because I am not a teenage girl. I think he’s likeable, and charming, and funny even when he tries not to be. I appreciate him as a friend — I don’t want to complicate matters, especially since he’s my fucking neighbor.”

“But Levi… you hardly ever like anyone!”

“Oh, I’ve liked plenty of people.” Levi rolls his eyes.

“Oh, yeah? Like who?”

“You and Mike—”

“We don’t count, people outside of us.”

“... Erwin’s okay.” Levi mutters. “Some of the writers I edit for aren’t too bad.”

“So coworkers.” Hange summarises. “And have you ever wanted to keep our shirts?”

Once again, Levi’s walked straight into a dead end. “I’m hanging up now.” And no, he’s totally not leaving this conversation because Hange’s gotten too close to what is essentially a tender, open wound. And he’s definitely not hanging up because Eren’s headboard has started banging against the wall and he can hear wanton, aching moans. 

“But I haven’t even asked you what his name is—”

“Well, maybe you’ll hear it in our next song.” Levi snaps before he can think about it, pressing the end call button so furiously his thumb throbs. 

It’s only after his phone screen turns dark and he hears Eren grunting another faceless name that isn’t his that Levi realises the hole has been dug even deeper. 

Fuck. 

Levi sighs, knowing the inevitable is going to happen — he’s going to listen to Eren, again, he’s going to come, again, and he’s going to feel shitty and disgusting.

Again.

To try and make himself feel better, Levi picks up his guitar before he claims The Spot™ against his living room wall. At first he strums the chorus to ‘She doesn’t sleep’, but it doesn’t — it doesn’t feel right. How is he supposed to sing a song about himself all while his brain is only supplying him images of Eren?

Eren in the throes of pleasure, Eren with his bright smile and shining eyes and oh — Levi can imagine how he’d look with a flush over his cheeks, and it’d probably cover his ears and his chest too. 

Eren looks like someone who’d blush more than the next person. He can easily imagine how Eren would sound, he has first — well second — hand knowledge of that, but he wonders if Eren would sound different if it was Levi between his legs?

If it was Levi running his hands over his body, against his most sensitive places.

If it was Levi who —

Oh.

Oh.

And, yeah, he’s so very not straight, it’s not even funny anymore.

Fuck.

Somehow, through his gay-revelation, his fingers picked up a different rhythm, different chords, and the words just kind of flow.

But I've had one too many cigarettes burning up my lungs
Had the taste of one too many lips hanging off my tongue, oh, oh
Sunday morning getting high, drinking here alone
Thinking up a brand new alibi for not coming home, oh, oh
And I'm sorry I say ‘fuck’ so much

He wonders what Eren would say if he knew this song was about him. He wonders if he would be angry or excited, wonders if he would stop being fans of No Name or if he would become an even bigger fan.

Wonders if Eren can hear him through the wall, wonders if Eren would notice if Levi went and recorded this, wonders if Eren would be able to put two and two together.

I'm not a saint, but I could be if I tried
Lord knows I've got habits to break
I'm really good at being good at goodbyes
I'm gonna give you fair warning that I

I'm not a saint, but I could be if I tried
Lord knows I don't learn from mistakes
And I'm not here unless I'm here by your side
I'm not a saint, but I could be if I —

What Levi doesn’t notice, though, is the fact that while he’s singing, composing, writing, the noises next door have died down. They didn’t hit the crescendo they usually do, they didn’t end with satisfaction. They just — slowed down and stopped in the middle.

Sober up and settle down, give a little talk
'Bout how I can't keep from runnin' 'round
Say it's such a fault, oh, oh
And I'm sorry I lie so much

What he doesn’t notice is a short discussion and the slam of a door and sigh so loud he really should have noticed. The stomp of someone walking angrily down the stairs of their building.

I'm not a saint, but I could be if I tried
Lord knows I've got habits to break
I'm really good at being good at goodbyes
I'm gonna give you fair warning that I —

What he doesn’t notice is the thump of another body, sitting down and leaning against the same wall, but on the other side.

I'm not a saint, but I could be if I tried
Lord knows I don't learn from mistakes
And I'm not here unless I'm here by your side
I'm not a saint, but I could be if I tried

Chapter Text

Eren’s lying spread out beneath Levi, between his legs, trembling so beautifully Levi can barely breathe. He’s clenching the pillow above his head which is caught in a halo of brown hair as Levi’s hand moves between his thighs.

Levi can’t help but think the creature under him is ethereal.

He’s flushed, flushed all the way down to his collarbones, just as Levi had imagined — but what he hadn’t imagined are the teeth imprints there, matching the purple marks around his neck.

Levi can hear those sinful cries as Eren melts at his touch, how he shakes when Levi’s fingers brush something inside him, how he quakes when—

Levi wakes with Eren’s name on his lips and the feeling of his body underneath him, but when he comes to himself, back to reality, he’s alone. Alone in a cold and empty bed and not lying between Eren’s spread legs.

He’s not squeezing those thighs or kissing those plump lips, he’s just… alone.

He sighs as he takes himself in hand and moans when he thrusts into it, pretending it’s something — someone — else.

*

Levi can’t stop thinking of his dream, it haunts him in his waking hours where he’s supposed to give feedback on the sex-scene Marco has written between the main character and his new love interest — the one Levi helped describe, the one that now looks like Eren.

Why, why does he do this to himself?

If he takes inspiration from his dream when he gives his notes to Marco, then no one has to know but him.

He returns home at about four pm to the worst sound he’s heard since Hange dragged him to a club back in his early twenties.

Dubstep .

And there’re flashing neon lights coming from under the crack of the door. Levi hears laughing — drunken laughing is more accurate, screams and shouts and the sound of something knocked over. Something that sounds suspiciously heavy, and suspiciously like it broke.

Levi shouldn’t care. If Eren wants to be some twenty-two year old hooligan and get drunk with a bunch of his hooligan friends that’s not any of Levi’s concern.

Except…

Except it kind of is his concern when Eren is his neighbour. And when said party is being thrown at four in the afternoon because seriously who in their right mind decides to get wasted and blare dubstep at four in the afternoon?

Levi sighs to himself, because he thought Eren had a good taste in music. 

He goes into his apartment, slamming his door because he’s precariously close to being properly pissed off and no one can hear it over the god awful racket anyhow. Levi grits his teeth when he feels the floor shaking under his feet, grips his beer bottle almost hard enough to break when he’s startled by a sharp shout, and he loses the last of his patience when there’s a hard thud against his wall and cheering. A picture falls off the wall, and when Levi hears the crash of glass he makes up his mind. 

He storms into his room and of course Eren’s T-shirt is right on his bed, exactly where he left it. Levi snatches it up and doesn’t think twice when he rips open his front door, and goes to pound loudly on Eren’s door. He doesn’t care if he looks like a cranky old neighbour, Levi has just come home from work and is exhausted and sexually frustrated and pretty much all of that is Eren’s fault. 

Well, not the work part, but the exhausted part is very much Eren’s fault. Who knew wet dreams would leave him feeling like he had never slept at all? Certainly not Levi, if he had, he’d never have dared to look twice at Eren since that first time his heart skipped a beat.

No one answers and so he pounds again, the door creaks on its hinges and Levi’s sure he could knock the door down if he just pounded a little bit harder. He’s almost tempted to try when—

“Can I help you?”

A tall blond man — one Levi has slight recognition of seeing before — opens the door. He looks confused at Levi’s scowl but also like he kind of understands why Levi would be here.

It’s still four pm on a boring-ass Wednesday.

Before Levi has a chance to answer, though, the kid — can he even call him that, when he’s about twice the size as Levi? — beats him to it. “Look, I’m sorry for the noise, I promise it’ll die down before it’s too late. But the thing is, our friend — the one who lives here — just sold a painting so we’re celebrating.”

Huh. Levi thought Eren was ‘on break’, but apparently that means he can still paint and sell those paintings. Is that even allowed while he’s still in school? Isn’t there some rule that you have to be licensed? Or is that just for important things like being a doctor?

Levi’s mind is spinning out of control. When has he ever asked a question that stupid, even in his own head? Eren really is fucking him up beyond recognition.

The kid — person — still looks at him with apprehension and Levi sighs. He can’t very well do anything about the music, but he will knock that door off its hinges if they keep the music going past nine pm. He makes a mental note to set an alarm for nine.

What he can do, though, is use Eren’s shirt as an excuse to see him. Will he be drunk? Will he be flushed all the way down to his collarbones from the alcohol running through his blood? 

Will he have a lazy smirk that—

“One of Eren’s shirts wound up in my laundry, I wanted to return it.” Levi says instead of letting his thoughts run too wild. He really needs to be better at controlling them, it wouldn’t do well if he gets a boner every time he thinks about Eren because his mind just runs.

The blond crosses his arms over his chest, “How do you know that’s Eren’s?” And Levi looks down in his hand, and yes, it does look like just another, normal black T-shirt. But then he unfolds it and shows the logo on the front to the slightly-too-suspicious friend.

“If I’m not mistaken, Eren’s a big No Name fan, yeah?”

Before the blond can nod — because of course, Levi’s right — the door is swung open by another person and Levi now has the chance to see inside Eren’s can’t-see-the-floor apartment.

“Reiner! What are you doing?”

Levi ignores the conversation between the blond Reiner and the buzzed other kid — even if he does recognize ‘Reiner’ as being a name Eren has screamed before — because this is his only chance to see Eren’s apartment first hand, and damn well if he’s not going to take it.

He files the fact that Reiner is about as much the opposite as him as he can be under ‘Things I Repress’ and calls it a day.

The first thing he notices is that Eren exaggerated, because he can see the floor, but that’s not the thing he lingers on. Because the second thing he sees is that Eren is making out with the eighties-mullet-dude against the kitchen counter. It almost looks like the other dude is trying to force Eren through the counter, but while Levi’s watching, Eren hops up on it, swings his legs around the midsection of the two-toned guy and continues kissing him.

Levi can see the bulge pressing against the front of Eren’s crotch as he presses it against the other guy, can see how Eren breaks the kiss, gasps, and arches his back as he moans before he smiles and goes back to kissing.

Levi’s seen enough.

He doesn’t even notice that both Armin and Marco are standing in the corner, staring at Levi like they’ve seen an alien. Like the fact that he’s probably the ‘weird, old, angry neighbour’ that Eren has most definitely told them about.

Levi doesn’t know, of course if Eren’s complained about him to them, but making Eren a worse guy than the — admittedly — perfect person he seems to be, makes the heartbreak just… a little bit easier on Levi, even if it destroys any faith he had in himself as a ‘good’ guy.

He turns around and leaves, still with Eren’s shirt in his hand, ignoring the calls from Reiner and shuts his door behind him.

*

Sitting in his living room, staring at the living room wall is not something new to Levi, but the sounds coming from the other apartment — well, that is new. He feels like playing guitar but he doesn’t feel like writing a new song, doesn’t feel like pouring his heart out to the empty walls of his apartment, especially not when Eren doesn’t even have a chance of hearing it.

He starts on the notes of one of his favourite songs, not one he’s written, but one written in a time where it felt like it was made just for him. It was written in a time where he needed this song.

He needs it now.

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
Well, it'll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night's hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won't know anyone

He hasn’t actually realised that he’s been playing music much more often now than he ever has. It hits him, now, after those first few notes of a song that he’s not writing right now, even if no one has ever heard it before. It hits him that Eren has inspired him to play music like nothing ever before. 

Jesus Christ, I'm alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
'Cause this problem’s gonna last
More than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die
I'm a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?

He knows this song, inside and out. He knows all its tricks and turns, the dips and the valleys and all of its secrets but somehow it still feels… off. Whenever he used to play this song, he’d be transported right back to when he first heard it. By some garage band back in college, how he’d felt the words tear into his very soul and how he hadn’t been able to function for a whole month after.

This was right around the time that Hange and Mike started their band, and this was the song that made Levi realise that he wanted to write things like this. Things that would make other people feel so profoundly much that they’d never be able to go back to a time before.

But somehow, the song doesn’t make him feel better like it usually does. Doesn’t remind him of how far he’s come.

Because Eren won’t be able to hear. And this makes him stop in the middle of the song. Because he never realised, did he? That, the fact that Eren could maybe hear him, makes him want to play. He wants Eren to listen, listen as his heart breaks and the words flow from his soul.

New chords and notes, dips and valleys filter through his mind and so, he readjusts up his guitar and finds a blank piece of paper. If his heart is going to break, then at least he can take advantage of it.

The first few notes filter out through the acoustic guitar.

I'm halfway gone, sleepless I'm battle-worn
You're all I want, so bring me the dawn

God, Eren’s really made him all fucked up in the head, hasn’t he? Since when does Levi write love songs? Granted, he’d never classify this as one, but what if someone does? What if someone asks Levi about the love he’s supposedly singing about now?

I need the sun to break, you've woken up my heart
I'm shaking, all my luck could change
Been in the dark for weeks and I've realised you're all I need
And I hope that I'm not too late,
I hope I'm not too late

Levi knows he’s too late, knows it’ll never happen. But he sings about it anyway. Why? 

It’s like writing a book, why would you ever write about all the things you can’t have. You’d write about all the things you can. All your dreams and wants and wishes and Levi seriously regrets ever picking up his guitar because this is getting way too close to a sob-fest.

Back of the room, how come my friends already know you?
I feel like a kid, too shy to speak up so I keep it hid
Oh butterflies, you steal my sleep each night

I need the sun to break, you've woken up my heart
I'm shaking, all my luck could change
Been in the dark for weeks and I've realised you're all I need
And I hope I'm not too late

And I hope I'm not too late

Chapter Text

So Levi gets his heart broken. So Levi sets his expectations a little too high and they inevitably crash to rock bottom. So he maybe kind of builds up a fantasy world revolving around Eren and himself and in said fantasy world they are happy and all over each other and Levi has everything he never knew he wanted, but now he needed?

Big deal. Levi’s gone through worse. Levi’s an adult man who very much does not get crushes and therefore never has his heart broken, shattered, smashed into irrevocable repair. Like he and Eren would have ever worked out anyway. Levi’s surly and antisocial and Eren’s just some dumb kid he really knows nothing about. 

So it’s… fine. Everything’s fine.

Who cares if Eren was shamelessly swapping spit with someone who wasn’t him? Who cares if he’ll never know how those long, muscular legs feel wrapped around his waist? 

Not Levi, definitely not Levi.

And it’s definitely not Levi who’s wondering just how soft Eren’s lips would feel, how sweet they would taste. 

Levi glares morosely up at his ceiling feeling sorry for himself for who knows how long until his phone starts ringing. 

And he skipped out on work today. Levi can’t find it within himself to care.

So now Eren’s going to make him lose his day-job. Another reason he shouldn't be miserably pining over him. 

But who he expects to be his boss is really just Hange, and she immediately knows something’s wrong. “Why do you sound like you swallowed a frog?”

“I don’t.” Levi clears his throat. “I’m sick, maybe, I don’t know.” If lovesickness counts as an illness, Levi’s condition might as well be terminal. “What do you want? I’m trying to recover.”

“So that’s why you aren’t at work?” Hange sounds suspicious. “I came to see if you wanted to get lunch and apparently you never even showed up.”

“Yeah, because I’m sick.” Levi grouses, and then mutters, almost as an afterthought. “And I didn’t really get a lot of sleep last night.”

“Why not?”

Oh, no reason. Just that the ear-splitting dubstep music went well past nine o’clock, Levi was busy eating and drinking his feelings, and staring out his window wondering what could have been if only their stars had been aligned instead of drifting away. “I was, uh, throwing up.”

“Ew, Levi, too much information.” Hange’s grimace is audible. “Poor thing. How about I bring you some chicken soup?”

“No thanks, I don’t need food poisoning.” Levi scowls, fighting down a wave of genuine anxiety because if Hange comes over she’d know Levi isn’t sick and know he’s keeping something from her and then they’d have to talk about his feelings. 

Just the thought of it makes him feel genuinely nauseous. Self-fulfilling prophecy, maybe? Some kind of wish manifestation to make him less of a liar?

“Nonsense. The tough guy act doesn’t work on me Levi, I’ll be over around four!” Before Levi can even muster up a growl the line goes dead. Levi has about four hours to make himself look as if he is actually dying, or else he’ll be subjected to Hange’s twenty questions.

*

Levi opens his door to Hange’s frown. “So, you’re well enough to answer the door?” Hange looks him up and down, taking in his appearance in its entirety, and her frown deepens. “Are you wearing makeup?”

Levi might’ve used some eyeliner he occasionally lined his eyes with for performances to exaggerate his under-eye-bags, but he’ll be damned before he ever admits it to Hange. “No, I’m sick. Feel my forehead if you don’t believe me.” He even juts his head forward a little, presenting it to her like a detective with evidence. Look, look at this proof! The suspect really is ill, possibly even dying!

The back of Hange’s hand touches his forehead and she shakes her head, as if deeply disappointed. “Let me guess, you blew a hairdryer on your forehead to mimic a fever?”

“No.” Levi lies, but Hange just breezes past him into the apartment, clearly already having made up her mind. 

“What happened?” She asks, digging two beers out of his fridge while leaving the thermos of soup on the counter. “Why are you moping around the house?”

“No reason.”

“Does it have something to do with—”

“Don’t say it,” Levi all but growls.

“Eren, huh.”

Levi looks at Hange with a scowl, “How do you know his name? I never told you.” But Hange just sniggers and shrugs, as if that’s supposed to be an answer.

Spoiler alert: It’s not.

“I really hate you sometimes four-eyes, you know that?” Levi may not have been sick in the traditional sense but he’s still too exhausted to muster up any true feelings of irritation. “The little monster had a party last night. The music kept me up is all. Apparently the proper time to turn the volume down is sometime after three am, in case you were curious.”

“And that’s all?” Hange presses. “Because if he hurt you I’ll kick his ass.”

Levi levels her with a glare that would have incinerated lesser individuals, but Hange remains unfazed. “Nothing like that happened. Besides, I’m not some damn damsel in distress, I don’t need you beating up my neighbours. That would just get me a lawsuit and an eviction.”

“It’s my duty as your best friend to beat up anyone who has you walking around like a character from The Walking Dead.” 

Levi doesn’t think he looks that atrocious, but a glance into his living room mirror confirms Hange isn’t exactly exaggerating. Huffing curses under his breath, Levi turns on his kitchen sink and begins vigorously splashing himself with water. “Let me guess, you aren’t going to leave me alone until I give you some sob story, huh?”

“That’s the long and short of it,” A beat, then. “No pun intended.”

Levi rolls his eyes. “Eren was too busy choking on some guy’s tongue to take back his shirt, so it's still cluttering up my closet. That’s your big sob story, needless clutter.” Of course Levi knows Hange will see through the lie, but he isn’t about to risk Hange actually going and beating up Eren for something that technically wasn’t his fault. 

And maybe Levi needs someone to tell him he’s being overdramatic. 

Instead Hange’s expressions twist with sympathy. “Oh, Levi.”

Great. If there is anything Levi hated more than pestering, it’s sympathy. “I don’t need your pity, Hange. Obviously I don’t care.”

“Obviously you do a little bit or you wouldn’t look like the ninth circle of hell.”

“I can always count on you to boost my self-esteem.” Levi blows out an aggravated sigh. “It’d be completely unreasonable if I cared, Hange, which is why I don’t. I don’t — Eren and I aren’t anything. We never will be. And I know that, of course.” Levi might’ve known it, but it doesn’t mean his heart feels any less pulverised by the thought.  

“You like him.” Hange murmurs. “Of course you’re upset seeing him with another person, it’s nothing to feel ashamed about. Whether or not you’re together it’s still gotta sting.”

Levi, uncomfortable with the scrutiny and even more uncomfortable with Hange’s warm, understanding eyes, gives a dismissive sniff. “It was the music that bothered me more than anything.”

“Surely his music taste isn’t that horrible?” Hange raises an eyebrow and Levi grimaces, momentarily distracted by the visceral hate that dubstep music brought out in him.

“It was fucking dubstep.” Levi emphasises with a scowl and Hanji gawps. 

“Oh my God, and you love him because?”

“I know, right?” Levi shakes his head, before his eyes widen. “I do not love him!”

“Mm, right. You haven’t admitted it to yourself yet.”

“I’ve only known him for a few weeks!”

“The heart wants what it wants, Levi.” Hange nods sagely, as if imparting some great wisdom. 

“Isn’t that a Selena Gomez song?”

“My point still stands. Don’t fight against love, embrace it! Love is kind, love is gentle, love is—”

“Going to make me shove my head down the garbage disposal if I have to hear about it anymore,” Levi snaps. In truth, if this is love, Levi fucking hates it. Never before has a single person managed to twist him this out of shape. Never before has another person made his stomach churn and his heart ache. Never before has Levi simultaneously felt the end and the beginning while looking into another person’s eyes. Eren’s presence is like freefalling, it’s pure adrenaline and thrill, but Levi is still dreading hitting rock bottom.

Which, he supposes, is now.

If this isn’t it, then Levi is not looking forward to the future.

*

They end up drinking. They, somehow, always end up drinking. Levi doesn’t know if it’s the fact that they’re world famous or the fact that they’re them, but after that first shared beer, they share another, and another. Then they open a bottle of wine, and then one more, and before Levi’s looked around, they’re both very tipsy — Hange more so than Levi, but his alcohol tolerance has always been otherworldly.

Levi barely notices as Hange stands up to presumably stumble to the bathroom, he’s busy wallowing in his own misery which — contrary to what he’d expected — is somehow worse with the introduction of alcohol to his blood stream.

Who would've thought?

He closes his eyes for just — just a minute while she’s gone but when he opens them again he knows it’s been more than a minute. 

Mostly because Eren is sitting on the floor, leaning against his couch like he belongs there.

Hange’s sitting in his armchair and it takes all of Levi to not strangle her for what she’s just done — he knows it’s her. Eren would never barge into his apartment like he owned the place. This has ‘Hange’ written all over it.

Somehow, Levi’s not even surprised.

“Hey! You’re awake!” Hange slurs with something that looks suspiciously like a tequila bottle in her hand. Levi sits up properly on the couch before crossing his arms over his chest.

“You better not get any of that on my carpet, four eyes.” He tries to sound menacing, but the grogginess of his voice, combined with the lingering tipsiness of the alcohol kind of takes the desired effect away.

Eren doesn’t do anything, he just leans against the couch and smiles. Smiles, like this is totally normal, like he has nowhere he would rather be and Levi — Levi can’t take it. He stands up and swipes the bottle from Hange — ignoring the irritated “Hey!” — before taking a big sip.

The liquid burns all the way down his throat, it warms up his body and gives him the courage to what he does next, because Levi can firmly tell that he would not do what happens next, unless he was very intoxicated.

He asks, “So, Eren. No one to fuck tonight?” 

Hange sputters and cackles, Eren chokes on his beer and coughs, and Levi, well Levi smirks.

Yes, definitely the alcohol’s fault.

“It’s — It’s really not that—” Eren seems to flounder for the right words for a couple of seconds before Levi takes pity and interrupts him.

“You know I can hear you, right? Very explicitly.”

“I—” Eren swallows, his cheeks flushed rose gold and so lovely that Levi takes another burning shot to get his head out of the gutter. “I didn’t realise the walls were so thin,” Eren mutters, chewing viciously on his lower lip. God, what Levi wouldn’t do to mark Eren up like that, bite his lip and revel in the fact that it was him who could elicit those sinful moans. “I guess I should’ve figured, since I can hear you singing from my room.”

“Oh, Levi sings, does he?” Hange gives him a shit-eating grin and Levi wonders how much trouble he would get in for throwing her off of his balcony. 

“You know I do.” Levi glares, mentally warning her to knock it the fuck off before Eren is scared away. Hange just bats her eyes. 

“Serenading anyone in particular?”

Levi really, really hates Hange. “I suppose the music speaks for itself,” Levi mutters, because if he denies it Hange is just going to keep pushing until the whole messy truth comes spilling out. Besides, if Eren did somehow make the connection that Levi was singing for him…

If he wasn’t put off by it…

… Maybe it wouldn’t be so terrible. Of course that’s just wishful thinking, but hopes and dreams are all Levi’s life seems to be made up of now. He’d never had a reason to wish on any shooting stars until Eren became the brightest one in the sky.

Levi might be really drunk, actually, if his own subconscious is starting to wax poetic. 

“It’s really good,” Eren says with an earnest smile and Levi aches for him. “Whoever you’re singing for must be the luckiest girl in the world.”

Ha! Levi gives Eren a very drunken, very crooked smile.

“He’s the only one the music’s for,” Levi says before he can think better of it. Both Hange and Eren’s mouth fall open simultaneously. Levi barely notices, his eyes transfixed on how Eren’s eyes sort of glaze over, how his pupils dilate ever so slightly. He coughs and looks away too quickly, his face a beautiful myriad of emotions. Levi can barely make them out under his own drunken haze, but his chest feels pleasantly warm, and he suspects it’s not only from the alcohol.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to assume.” Eren awkwardly apologises. “Obviously if you’ve heard me — yeah, you know.”

“I do know.” Levi acknowledges and Eren’s face grows impossibly brighter. 

You guys should kiss. Hange mouths silently over Eren’s head when he’s not looking, and Levi feels murderous for about two point five seconds until Eren flashes that dazzling smile that’s enough to break his heart and piece it back together. 

“So, uh, how long have you two been dating?” Eren asks, busying himself by tapping his fingers against the beer bottle and Levi feels his heart sink, and not just because the noise is grating. Hange shoots him a look so full of sorrow that he feels ill.

Levi doesn’t know how not to sound like a pathetic, pining loser so he attempts to shrug it off as casually as one can while one’s heart is splintering. “It’s decidedly unrequited as of now.”

Eren blinks, probably way too drunk for such big words, before he visibly brightens with understanding, it’s like a lightbulb gone off above his head. “Oh!” He exclaims, and Levi frowns, because how on earth could being such a sad creature ever warrant such an exclamation? Eren sobers when Levi’s brow quirks. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, I just meant—” Eren waves his hands around helplessly, searching for words. “I mean… dating sucks, right?”

Levi wouldn’t know, but if that’s how Eren feels about it, he feels his spirits sink that much deeper. “It’s the worst.” He agrees moodily, and doesn’t miss Hange’s disappointed little headshake, which irritates him honestly. What was Levi supposed to say?

‘Oh yeah dating totally sucks, so why don’t we just skip straight to marriage instead?’

… Not that Levi’s even entertained the idea. 

No, obviously since Eren seems to want to sleep with everyone under the sun who isn’t Levi he wouldn’t give a damn about something as meaningless as dating. And even if he was looking to get into a relationship it would never be with someone like Levi. He’s just the grumpy old neighbour after all. 

“Yeah.” Eren agrees unhappily, pouting in a way that’s making it really difficult for Levi to remember that this would be the most inopportune time to pop a boner. “I never really connected to the concept.”

Salt in a raw, tender wound. “Mm-hm.”

“I mean, I sort of ‘dated’ people in high school I guess? But it was always more important who you were dating for, like, popularity purposes. It was just something mature to do, to say you had a boyfriend or girlfriend. It never really meant anything.”

“I hear you.” Never mind that Levi spent his high school years reading books in the library and writing poetry.

“And now that I’m older I’ve just never really met anyone I could see myself spending my life with. Sex is more or less stress relief for me, it doesn’t really mean anything.” Eren shrugs. “It has just always felt like there was something… missing, you know? It was a deep, persistent ache. Just some hole I could never fill, I could only fall deeper into.”

“A hole impossible to climb out from once you’ve hit rock bottom.” Levi nods, because he knows all too well. “A hole so dark light becomes a vague, distant dream.”

“Yeah.” Eren bites his lip. “Well, up until recently, I always thought I’d be alone.”

“Oh?” Levi shouldn’t ask, it’s just going to piss him off if Eren says one of his shithead friend’s names, which he’s sure he will. 

“Yeah, but it’s a hollow comfort at best, because I doubt someone like him would ever like me back,” Eren mumbles, “It doesn’t really keep me warm at night.”

Levi thinks about laughing. Who in their right mind would reject Eren? It makes him feel infuriatingly light headed, and green with sick, sick jealousy. Who could reject someone like Eren when he’s the only person Levi’s ever wanted? When Eren is the only person who gave his music melody?

And before he knows it, the words are spilling out of him like vomit. “Someone who could turn you down sounds like an idiot, I wouldn’t waste my time on him.”

Eren turns to him, wide-eyed. “He’s not an idiot,” Eren says, almost defensively, and Levi thinks about snapping back something outrageously offensive but he bites his tongue, because if nothing else, at least Eren can be his friend. At least he can be that.

At least he can be in Levi's life in some capacity. 

Because a life without Eren now would be a life not worth living. A life without Eren would be colourless and dull, and something Levi can’t even think about, because it fills him with a bone-cold dread. Levi has never been good at keeping friends, Hange and Mike are the few outliers, and Levi won’t lose Eren simply because he can’t keep his bitter jealousy to himself.

So he bites his tongue until he tastes blood.

And the room settles into an uneasy silence until Hange carelessly blurts out. “Let’s play truth or dare!”

Chapter Text

“You wan’o play truth or dare?” Levi asks for clarification, and he tries to sound demeaning but the alcohol slurs his words in a way he’s not used to.

“Yeah!” Hange says, “Let’s play truth or dare!” She repeats like those words didn’t come out of her mouth literally fifteen seconds ago. Eren looks amused and Levi can’t stop staring at the little upturn of his lips and he wonders what would happen if he closed the distance between them and—

“Although,” Hange muses, a hand on her chin like she’s some evil scientist. The manic glint in her eye would accompany that theory well, Levi thinks. “But, I don’t wanna do dares, so let’s just play truth or truth!” And like with anything Hange ever says or does, it’s over the top and loud, Levi actually winces because her voice grates on his ears in a way it only can when she’s drunk.

He sighs, “That’s not a game, that’s just bonding.”

“Exactly!”

Levi sighs again and Eren looks way too amused by their interaction, so he decides to start the game — bonding exercise — off right.

“So, Eren, truth or truth? Which one of your friends is the best fuck?”

See, the thing about Levi and alcohol, is that it makes him blunt. He’s always blunt, doesn’t believe in ‘white lies’ and hates when people evade the truth, but alcohol — it seems to make him even more blunt. 

Hange starts laughing and saying something about ‘putting on some music, you know, to set the mood,’ before she gets up and starts fiddling with Levi’s speakers. The sound of a camera going off and a ‘smile! ’ makes Levi turn around because why the fuck would Hange choose this song of all songs? 

It’s not remotely moody? Well, it is, it’s very moody, but not the kind of moody Levi thought Hange was looking for.

Fuck, this alcohol is making Levi’s brain even more muddled than Eren normally does. The lyrics filter out through the speakers and Levi can’t help but cringe at the sound of his own voice.

He hopes to god that Eren won’t recognize him.

What makes you feel good?
What makes you angry inside?
Why don't you love me?
Do you wanna fuck me or fight?

“Uh…” Eren says eloquently. There’s a cute blush spreading from his cheekbones to his ears and down to his collarbones, and it reminds Levi of the flush he sees on Eren if he runs into him right after a certain event.

This then reminds Levi of the fact that fuck he wants Eren so bad. He realises that the alcohol is not making him the most coherent person, even in his own thoughts. ‘So bad,’ what the hell is wrong with him?

You never asked me
If I had something to hide
You wanna hurt me
I'll make it easy tonight

“You know, Eren, if you don’t want to answer, you can pass and we will give you a dare instead,” Hange chimes in (un)helpfully. 

Levi snorts, “Wasn’t the point of truth and truth to not do any dares?”

You've got to stay skinny, don't you, girl?
You've got to stay pretty while you can
You've got to stay hungry for the fans
Or they'll try to burn you all out
They'll try to burn you all out, yeah

Hange nods as if Levi’s comment is a fucking revalation and that she really hadn’t thought about it like that at all. God, they are all way too drunk to be playing a game for teenagers.

The song and the lyrics also reminds Levi of what it was like to be a newly-famous nineteen-year-old. How he hated the fame with a passion, how he hated the way everything had to be in a certain way. He still hates it, but he’s more comfortable now to just not give a fuck.

Your face is rotten
Ugliest smile I have seen
Your name's forgotten
Now go on and cut yourself clean

Which brings Levi to the most important point of the night, because he says something so profoundly stupid, that he can really only blame it on his horny ass self — inspired by the teenage nostalgia — and not at all on the alcohol.

He will blame it on the alcohol, don’t worry, he just knows he’ll feel guilty for doing so, because what comes out of his mouth in the next five seconds will not be because of the alcohol.

Not at all.

Why won't you answer?
You think you're better than me
Go on, surrender
Another suicide teen

He needs to start talking now before the silence stretches out too much, before Eren can really listen to the sound of his voice through the speakers, listen to the lyrics. He wrote a lot of songs when he was nineteen and on the cusp of fame, wrote a lot of songs that he wouldn’t have written and released now.

You've got to stay skinny, don't you, girl?
You've got to stay pretty as you were
You know we are living in a fucked up world
And they'll try to burn you all up
They're gonna burn you all up, yeah

He used to write songs like people write in diaries, and the fact that his is out there, in the open for everyone to hear makes him uneasy, makes him feel vulnerable. It’s one of the reasons he started covering up his face, with them, he’s just another faceless musician.

Without them, he’d be able to feel the pity on those faces of the people who hear his music.

“If you don’t want to answer, you can just take off an article of clothing,” Levi says, which would not have been a bad thing, at all, except for that fact that it is very not straight to want to see a naked man, and Levi’s basically just outed himself to not only Eren, but to Hange as well.

His drunk mind tells him it’s normal to play stripping games with friends.

Friends play those, right? Levi doesn’t really have the most experience with those kinds of things. Friends, that is, not stripping games — although what a life that would be.

Oh, I’m burning out

Right as Eren’s about to take off one lonely sock, Levi gets an idea. And it’s this particular idea that spawns the rest of the night. He clears his throat and waits until Eren stops awkwardly fumbling with his sock and looks at him. He smirks, “But I get to decide which article of clothing, since I asked the question.”

He waits, just to let the words sink into Eren’s alcohol muddled brain, before he continues, “Your shirt will do.”

The song ends and is replaced by something that wasn’t written by Levi at a time when he didn’t want to exist, and Levi feels like he can finally breathe again.

That feeling of relief goes right down the drain the next second because Eren has taken off his shirt and Levi swears he starts salivating. 

Levi doesn’t realise his name is being called until Eren starts laughing, his smile like a silver crescent moon amidst a starless night sky. Also, Hange throws a pen she got from God-knows-where at him.

“What?” Levi snaps, rubbing his arm, because he will not say ‘ow.’ 

“It’s your turn.”

“Then ask me the damn question.”

“Are you listening?” Hange teases, eyeing Eren and his abs suggestively and Levi thinks about strangling her with Eren’s now-discarded shirt. He absolutely will not acknowledge how Eren’s nipples are slightly hard from the chill of the AC.

Though, he wouldn’t mind acknowledging it if Hange wasn’t there. With his tongue, maybe. 

He could totally acknowledge those nipples with his tongue.

“Unfortunately.” Levi grouses, giving her one of his famous 'behave or I will shove you into a woodchipper feet-first’ glares. It doesn’t usually work but Hange must be drunk enough to have her mind set on something other than antagonising him. 

“On a scale of one to taking it up the ass how gay are you?”

Or not. 

Eren had the misfortune of taking a sip of his beer just as Hange spoke so now he’s noisily sputtering like he’s drowning and Levi’s poor, horny brain tells him CPR might be necessary. His dick also seems to be in agreement. 

Levi’s body is a traitor and he will not be indulging its drunken whims. 

“How am I supposed to answer that?” Levi hisses, telling himself his face feels warm because of the copious, frankly concerning amounts of alcohol he’s consumed. Not because he’s embarrassed — Lord no. 

“With a number.” Hange raises her eyebrows. “Or shall we just assume you’re all the way up at ‘taking it up the ass?’”

Has Levi mentioned how much he despises Hange?

“One.”

“Boo!” Hange shouts with both of her thumbs pointed down. “That’s such a lie, it's not even funny. C’mon, we want juicy details — give us a real answer!”

“Or,” Eren interjects, his eyes glassy and hazy with alcohol. He smiles in such a droopy, goofy way that Levi wants to kiss him until he’s incoherent with that look, drunk from his touch alone. “You could just take off your shirt too.”

Well that’s a fabulous idea.

Except it’s not at all because Levi has a tattoo on his ribcage and it’s perhaps one of the only identifiable features on him that ties him directly to L — besides having dark hair, which half of the population has. But thanks to Hange and Mike and a couple bottles of wine when they were touring Levi had the not so bright idea to get a tattoo.

It should be noted that Levi has an unreasonable, yet deathly fear of needles. 

Anyway, they had found some random tattoo parlour, still dressed in their performance get-ups, bandages and all, and each gotten shitty, yet distinctive tattoos. And the tattoo artist had of course been a huge fan that wanted to document that No Name had been at her tattoo parlour, so long story short Levi woke up the next morning with a sore rib cage, a pounding headache, and a picture of him shirtless on Instagram.

It didn’t matter he’d convinced the artist to delete it; nothing on the internet, once posted, ever goes away. Levi had been harassed with screenshots of his naked torso for months afterwards, it had become profile pictures — hell, there had been merch made. 

And Levi doesn’t know how big of a fan Eren is, so he’d rather not risk it. Well, that’s not entirely true. He knows Eren must be a pretty big fan to own not one, not two, but at least three limited edition T-shirts — and God knows what else — but Levi’s not sure Eren’s brain is at the capacity to make the connection between Levi’s torso and L’s.

Levi swallows his pride and a mouthful of liquid poison and mutters. “For the guy I like? I’d say I’m a million percent gay for him.”

Hange makes some disgusting kissy noises in her chair and Eren laughs, but, in the kind of way someone laughs when they’re trying not to cry. 

Huh. Poor kid probably can’t handle his liquor. 

Or maybe he’s really cold. Levi would offer him a blanket or something but he’s never claimed to be an unselfish man, and he wants his dying image to be Eren’s bare chest. Plus, he’s so drunk he can’t feel his feet.

“Alright you four-eyed menace.” Levi’s going to have fun with this one. “What’s your deepest, darkest secret?”

“I snuck into a lion enclosure once,” Hange says, without an ounce of hesitation. Well that backfired. 

“Why would you — how would you even — nope, not gonna ask,” Levi mutters.

“Was the lion asleep or something?” Eren asks, wide-eyed. It comes out like ‘ashleep’ and Levi is struck with cute aggression. You know, when something’s so cute you just want to squeeze it to death?

“Nah, he was cool. He was just sunbathing on his rock, and we actually had a rather profound philosophical conversation together.”

“... You are very mentally unwell.” Is Levi’s only comment. 

“Takes one to know one,” Hange sing-songs, “Eren, ask him about the time we went and explored an abandoned—”

“He is absolutely not going to ask me that.” Levi glares, looking towards Eren for backup.

“Sorry Hange, I think Levi might murder me and I value my life,” Eren says with a sheepish shrug, and they share a sort of conspiratorial smirk that makes Levi’s heart flip.

“Oh, Levi wouldn’t kill you. He love—”

“Loves his freedom, yes, Levi loves his freedom and would not jeopardise it by committing murder,” Levi interjects, laughing a way that is the definition of mentally unwell, if referring to himself in third person wasn’t clue enough. “Hange, I don’t think you’re drunk enough. Why don’t you take that bottle of tequila and go stargaze out on the balcony?”

Hange sticks her tongue out. “Meanie. Okay Eren — your turn. Have you ever had sex with someone you love?”

Levi’s curious about what the answer might be, but if Eren says yes he might just go out onto the balcony and jump off himself. 

“No,” Eren answers instantly, which is such a relief Levi almost cheers — but he’s not that drunk. “I mean, like, my friends are cool but… ew, yeah, no.”

Ew is a very promising word to Levi. 

“Interesting,” Hange says with a grin that spells trouble, “Have you ever fantasised about having sex with someone you love?”

Eren’s flush goes from porcelain pink to tomato red and Levi could save him by reminding Hange Eren just had his turn — he could, but he won’t. 

“Uh, well, I mean who hasn’t?” Eren laughs off very nervously, furiously chugging his beer like he’s dehydrated.

“So, who’s the lucky person?” Levi asks before he can help himself and Eren freezes. Levi shouldn’t have asked and damn Hange for posing the question in the first place. If Eren says Reiner — or, God forbid Jean Levi’s actually going to be sick. 

“Uh — you don’t know him!” Eren blurts, before he facepalms. Eren literally looks like a deer caught in headlights, Levi can almost mentally see the cogs turning in his brain for how he’ll get himself out of this conundrum. “I mean… he’s just. A guy. Yep. Just a guy.”

“Aw, you don’t have any details for us?”

“He’s a… really hot guy?” Eren murmurs. “Probably the most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen. He has these eyes… eyes that cut me open and stitch me back together. He’s really funny, and he’s nice to me even when I’m acting like a complete idiot. He uh… makes me feel seen. Makes me feel like I never have before just from a single look.” Eren swallows, averting his eyes. “I never feel so alone when he’s by my side. I just… I look into his eyes and feel like I know him better than I know myself. Like I am never more myself than when he looks at me.”

Levi has busied himself with dreaming up murder scenarios for whoever can make Eren feel what Levi can’t. It’s a bloodbath for this hopeless twat in his mind.

“He sounds perfect. Almost like your… soulmate.” Hange swoons, and yeah, shut up Hange. “What’s his name, huh?”

Eren’s face suddenly pales, paler than even Levi’s complexion. “Uh — it’s a secret!”

“I promise I won’t tell,” Hange says with a wink, but Eren’s still shaking his head, his eyes darting to Levi’s in a soundless plea for help. 

Well, Levi can be his saviour. 

“Leave the kid alone Hange, he’s sweating.” Levi flips her off for good measure because he doesn’t want to hear a name that isn’t his anyway. 

Eren sighs, gifting Levi with a small, relieved smile and Levi thinks that smile could start wars. Wars that he’d want to win for Eren and Eren alone. “I mean, I’d tell you guys but I just can’t ruin… I don’t want it getting back to him.”

Levi feels like saying he’s not a gossip, and even if he was he wouldn’t go telling Eren’s secrets to anyone, least of all his shitty friends, but he just nods. It’s a very morose nod. 

Naturally instead of dealing with his emotions in a healthy way Levi sweeps them under the rug and takes another generous swig. “Ever have a threesome?”

Somehow they’ve all forgotten that this is a game that has turns, and Eren’s been unwittingly thrust into the hot seat.

“Yeah.” Eren scoffs, cocky, no longer shy and Levi’s heart races just that bit faster. “Have you?”

Since Levi is now concerned about a twenty-two year old’s opinion of him he’s quick to say. “Yep.”

“What? No you haven’t?” Hange laughs. “Who?”

“You don’t know them, shitty-glasses,” Levi says, like every liar who hasn’t had sex says. 

“Let me guess — your right hand and your left?”

“So Eren,” Levi says, resolved to ignore Hange for the rest of his night for his own sanity. “What makes you scream the loudest in bed? Just curious what exactly happens when you go from moaning to screaming like you’re getting murdered.” 

Eren audibly gulps. “Uh, you know. The prostate is just… a great, great thing.”

“So you prefer the bottom bunk?”

Eren shrugs. “Mostly. At least, I do when someone knows what they’re doing.”

“I’ll file that one away for later,” Levi says before he can think about it, and curses himself when Eren’s lips part ever so slightly, ever so prettily. There’s a question on his lips, Levi can almost taste it, so he distracts him with another invasive question. “What’s your wildest kink?”

Eren frowns, but then his lips quirk up into a smile that couldn’t be described as anything but salacious. Hello cock, Levi thinks, because whiskey dick has unfortunately never been one of his problems. 

“Hm, there’s a lot, let’s think.” Eren purses his lips, his eyes hooded with irises almost black with desire. Levi doesn’t want to know who he’s thinking about. “I like being manhandled. A little roughed up. A little choking never really hurt anyone. I like… being in control.” He smirks, and Levi swears he’s looking straight into his soul. “And allowing someone to take it from me.”

Levi doesn’t think his dick will ever not be hard again. 

“Interesting,” Levi rasps, his heart beating like it’s about to burst straight from his chest. He’d tear it out and give it to Eren, if he’d have it. If he’d keep it.

“Is it?” Eren murmurs, his pink tongue darting out to wet his lips, already plump and red from the alcohol. Levi can’t take it, feels like he’s drowning in those bright ocean eyes, feels himself sinking further and further within Eren’s depths… leaning closer…

Eren’s breath hitches, his eyes flutter…

Probably thinking about the last person who made him scream to the heavens like a man possessed. 

It’s like a bucket of ice water all over Levi. 

Thankfully, at that moment, Levi notices his bottle is empty. Miracles really do exist. “Gotta go get another beer.” He hastily excuses himself, running out of the room like the coward he hates that he is. 

He thinks he hears a sigh behind him. Probably Hange mentally agreeing with him that he is indeed a coward. 

When Levi returns Eren and Hange are in an animated discussion about some video game featuring hedgehogs, and he’s not going to ask, nor interrupt. Because this is good. This is safe. Levi doesn’t know what he was doing inviting trouble by allowing the conversation to lead into such a sexual territory, but he supposes he can thank his drunk, horny monkey brain for that one. 

He’s not going to kiss Eren.

He’s not going to ruin his friendship with him.

He’d rather die first. 

“Oh,” Eren breathes as the conversation comes to an end, cocking his head as a beguiling, serene smile crosses his beautiful face. “I love this song.”

Chapter Text

Hange passes out sometime before midnight — which is not really a surprise. What is a surprise though, is that Eren stays. He stays as Hange sleeps on the couch, sits on Levi’s living room floor and they just, they talk.

It makes Levi realise that he’s never really had a conversation with Eren, bar that very first one. It makes Levi realise that he’s essentially fallen in love with Eren, without even knowing him.

He’s essentially fallen in love with the idea of Eren and now, well now he does know him. 

See, before she falls asleep, Hange decides to start something called ‘Never have I ever’, which Levi’s never heard about, but both of them are quick to clue Levi in, and when Hange falls asleep, he and Eren just kind of keeps going?

Except it isn’t a game anymore, now it really is just bonding.

He knows now that Eren was an angry kid, one with severe anger management issues, and that his father got him into art as a way to relieve all that pent up stress and anger. As a way to get his emotions out. At first Eren had mostly drawn what made him angry, but not long after, he’d started actually liking doing art and he’d started to pursue it as a career. 

In the quiet of the apartment, Levi listens to how Eren talks about how he’s never been more grateful for his father than at that one moment when he realised— 

“I wasn’t drawing because I was angry, anymore, suddenly, I was drawing because I wasn’t.”

And, Levi’s always been good with words, but there is not a single sentence on this earth that’s better than the one he just heard. He tries to make a mental note of it, to maybe use it in a song, but he knows his alcohol-muddled brain won’t be able to retain the memory.

“It was euphoria,” Eren continues with a small smile, “It felt like all the pieces in my life just fell together perfectly. I can never thank my dad enough for the gift he gave me. It’s like… It was like he gave me the key to my own heart. Taught me how to open it up and express myself in a way I’d never tried before.”

Levi then asks why Eren had chosen to move to a whole other country to study, when there must be perfectly fine art schools in Germany.

The answer he gets is not one he’d expected.

Shortly before his twentieth birthday, Eren’s father had passed away in a car accident, and it’d of course hit all the family members hard, but Eren explains that it felt like he lost a piece of what made him, him.

“I didn’t draw for a year and a half after he passed. Everything in me that made me want to draw was just… gone.” Levi can’t see if there are tears in Eren’s eyes, the angle and the darkness of the hour prohibits it. 

But it sounds like there are.

“My mom and Mikasa sent my uni applications for me. I didn’t know what they’d done until I received the acceptance letter in the mail.” Eren takes a deep breath and God, Levi wants to hold him. To hold him and tell him everything is going to be okay.

“They gave me the opportunity to get away from those four walls that had housed my artistic inspiration, and… well I took it. They didn’t want me to move out of the country, but they knew I needed to — I needed to find another way to enjoy art, without feeling like I was betraying my father — and I will forever be grateful for how selfless they were, for me.”

Levi can see how hard this is for Eren to talk about, and kindly supplies a bit about his own backstory, about his mother dying when he was young, about his uncle taking care of him until he’d left Levi one day in the middle of the night and never returned. 

“I was never sure if he was actually my uncle, or if he was just a friend of my mom’s, but he took care of me the best he knew how. And one day he was just… gone.”

Eren does what Levi couldn’t. He reaches out a hand and takes Levi’s in his own. Eren’s hand is warm and big and despite the topic of their conversation, Levi can’t help but feel warm and safe.

“I found out later that he actually was my mom’s brother. When they called me to say that he’d managed to get himself shot and killed.”

Levi blames the alcohol for how he goes into detail that Hange was and is his only real friend. How he delves into the fact that he sometimes still wakes up with a feeling of hurt in his chest with how much he misses his mom. How much he hates that he doesn’t have a picture of her and how… how he’s not even sure he remembers what she looked like.

But Eren doesn’t look at him with pity just… sadness. A sadness that makes Levi — for the first time in his life — feel like he is understood. 

He feels seen.

They talk and talk until the red numbers on the clock in Levi’s kitchen says 3:48 am when Levi gets a text from Mike.

Erwin says we have a pop-up concert March 30th, inform Hange, thanks.

Levi shudders to think about what Mike is doing with Erwin in the middle of the night, but he thinks he can make an educated guess.

One that involves a couple of things he’d like to do to Eren.

“Hey, Eren?” He asks the almost sleeping person on the floor next to him, “Do you have plans on March 30th?”

“Uh, I might, depends on if Mikasa can get off from work and come visit me that weekend, why?” Eren sounds, not suspicious, but still kind of? Levi’s tired brain can’t access his editor-vocabulary to think of a word better than suspicious at this moment anyway.

He’s not really all that drunk anymore, if he’s honest with himself. But he feels better about himself if he gets to blame his behaviour on the alcohol, so that’s what he does.

Especially if he can blame what he says next on the alcohol.

“I was wondering if you’d want tickets to the No Name concert that day. Mikasa can come, too.”

This makes Eren sit up properly on the floor and look at Levi, who’s still half sitting, half leaning against the side of the couch. “I didn’t know No Name had any concerts until September?” Eren exclaims with a voice that’s far too loud for that time of night. Levi himself had been almost whispering.

But then he actually hears what Eren said and — shit, no one knows about the concert that Levi himself just got notified of.

“Uh, I have inside knowledge?” It comes out as a question and Levi cringes at his own stupidity. No way is Eren not going to figure it out now.

“Yeah, I thought so,” Eren mumbles before adding, “I’d love to go, Mikasa will just have to deal, it’s my birthday after all so she will deal, even if she doesn’t like the band all that much.”

Okay, so, two things register in Levi’s brain. First, “What do you mean you ‘thought so’?” and second, “Wait, the 30th’s your birthday?” And Eren laughs.

Oh how Levi would give anything to hear Eren laugh more often. In the silence of his apartment at almost four in the morning, he wants to hear Eren laugh forever. Doesn’t know how he’ll ever go back to a time when he hadn’t heard Eren’s laugh. It’s almost like his whole life has changed since meeting Eren, even if nothing’s really changed. Nothing’s different except for the fact that Levi will never be able to go back to a time when Eren wasn’t in his life.

Not that he’d want to, anyway.

And so, Eren explains that he’d thought it was a bit weird that he had been playing a No Name song, which hadn’t been recorded, only to wake up a week later and it is. He also found it strange that Levi almost only played No Name music in his apartment, despite not seeming that bit of a fan. And if he at some point didn’t play No Name songs, it was original songs that sounded a lot like No Name.

So that’s how Eren came to the conclusion that Levi must know the band or something.

Levi nods, astounded that Eren actually hadn’t figured it out.

“But yeah, I turn twenty-three on March 30th, and it would literally be a dream to see No Name in concert.” And all Levi can do is nod again, sending off a quick ‘yes’ to Mike and also making a mental note to get two VIP tickets for Eren and his sister.

Before Levi’s heart runs out of his chest from the whiplash he’s gotten in the last couple of minutes, he decides to change the subject.

“You only mentioned Mikasa, is your mom not coming to visit?” 

Eren only shakes his head, “No, my brother, well half-brother is in the hospital and my mom’s the only family he has left, even if he’s not her son. So I told her to stay with him, I’ll always have another birthday, but it’d kill me if Zeke had to spend so much time alone in a hospital.”

Levi wants to ask what got his brother in the hospital, but Eren seems to go from conscious to unconscious during the time it takes Levi to figure out how to compose a sentence.

He looks at Eren, sleeping softly against the side of his couch, the moonlight from Levi’s windows lighting up his face in a sort of ethereal way and Levi is suddenly hit with a dash of inspiration. He doesn't want to wake Eren, so when he pulls out his guitar, he plugs his headphones into the speaker and the tune sort of just flows out of him.

I hold my hands and pray
That you'll be there on my final day
And if you are, oh if you are
Will you come with me?
And as this hole grows deeper love
Will you be by my side?

He doesn’t notice when he starts singing, really. He has a tendency to write poetry and lyrics without making a conscious effort to, and now is no different.

What he does notice, though, is the fact that this song is so clearly about Eren, Levi suddenly doesn’t know how it feels to not be in love with the brunet.

But he won’t sacrifice their friendship. Not for something as fleeting as love or sex, not when just being around Eren makes him feel whole in a way he’s never been before.

Oh, love, can you hear me now?
Still fighting for you, screaming out
My love buried in the underground
So come follow me down

I'm sinking in the holy sound
Don't stand and just watch me drown
My love buried in the underground
So come follow me down

He’s so consumed by the writing of his song, by the playing and the singing that he doesn’t even notice when the headphones are taken out of the speaker and the noise of the roughed up electric guitar fills the darkened room.

You know how long I've had to wait
To feel your touch and see your face
Now that you're here, now that you're here
Will you come with me?
And when the pain has got too much
Will you be by my side?

His eyes are closed, but he does notice when there are suddenly hands on his hips, pulling him into a bone crushing hug against a strong chest. He thinks he’s dreaming, thinks this is just another one of his fantasies. He dares not open his eyes, instead he keeps singing. 

Oh, love, can you hear me now?
Still fighting for you, screaming out
My love buried in the underground
So come follow me down

I'm sinking in the holy sound
Don't stand and just watch me drown
My love buried in the underground
So come follow me down

*

When he opens his eyes again, he’s alone, lying in his bed and he can’t for the life of him tell which parts of last night were real and which parts were made up. He doesn’t even remember going to sleep. The last thing he remembers is… writing a song. He doesn’t remember the lyrics or the tune of it, but he can feel it in his hands that he remembers playing guitar.

There’s a note on the side of his table with what looks like lyrics on them, and he thanks his past self for at least writing them down. He can find the melody later.

He distinctly remembers a soft voice telling him, “I’ll follow you wherever you go,” but his brain is also telling him it was Eren, so he knows that part is at least made up. Then again, as he looks at the lyrics it could have also just been himself saying those words. 

The voice though, it didn’t sound like himself.

He remembers a warm hug and poetry. Now, the poetry is very likely. He has a tendency to go off the rails with that one when he drinks, but the hug? He tries to scour his brain for memories of who he could have hugged — or rather, who hugged him, if his memory serves him right. It probably doesn’t.

It was probably Hange.

Yeah.

Probably.

Chapter Text

It’s almost the end of March and it’s always the same, the first few days before a concert is chaos. There’s very little sleep and very little food that isn’t take-out or microwaveable. And Levi’s currently eating noodles while reading over the suggested list of songs that Hange sent over for him to view. Between that and the thoughts of Eren — thoughts that consume him more than not these days — Levi’s food misses his mouth and lands straight on his chest, staining his white T-shirt. 

Levi knows if he lets this sit it’ll stain, and the shirt was a gift from Hange, and ridiculously expensive, and it’s the price tag and not the sentimentalism that urges him to take it down to the laundry room immediately. Or, so he tells himself.

Levi doesn’t have time to do laundry, but he’ll make time. He’s in the process of pulling his shirt over his head — of course it decides to be difficult and tangles around his arms — and just when he begins to feel the air conditioning on his naked skin is when his door bursts open.

Because apparently knocking is a lost art.

“Hey Levi — oh!” Levi almost chokes on his own tongue because of course Eren would burst through his door right when he takes his shirt off, like this is some shitty porno. “Shit I… I uh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realise—”

Levi means to glower at him but he feels his eyes soften with fondness because Eren looks wind-ruffled and his cheeks are as bright as his eyes. He’s so effortlessly beautiful, Levi thinks, meanwhile he has noodle stains on his shirt and is standing in his kitchen half-naked.

Levi makes an effort not to make things awkward even though the weight of Eren’s gaze on him is sinking into his bones, making it almost impossible to breathe. Levi hopes Eren isn’t staring at the stains on his shirt, how humiliating, after Levi has made it a point to emphasise how much he values cleanliness. “What is it brat?”

Eren starts babbling. “I don’t know if you’re busy but it’s a really nice day outside and — I wanted to show you uh… there’s a bird's nest on the tree outside!”

Levi isn’t even surprised. Ever since their game of ‘truth and truth’ that lead to some intense bonding and some questionable dreams he somehow feels like are memories, Eren has begun to come over to his apartment at odd hours of the day. Sometimes to show him his art — which is incredible, as if Levi couldn’t love Eren anymore, he loves looking at the world drawn by Eren’s hand — sometimes to show him a funny cat video, and sometimes it’s just to tell him a random fact like ‘hey, did you know the wrinkles in a chef’s hat signify the one hundred different methods on how to cook eggs? ’

Levi doesn’t ask, he only ever listens to Eren’s earnest tangents. He likes that excited white spark that flashes in Eren’s eyes whenever he’s truly passionate about something, how his voice goes lower and his words seem to have no ending and Levi feels lost in them. Eren’s mind is a fascinating place, a palace Levi could wander for the rest of his life, content never to find a destination but to savour the journey. 

“Yeah? Why don’t you show me?” Levi calls over his shoulder. “Just give me a second to put on a new shirt — and take this one down to the laundry room.”

“Hold on,” Eren grabs his shoulder and — and Levi swears he loses consciousness for a moment, his world whites out behind him. Eren’s bare skin on his own is like an electric current, setting his blood on fire. Eren rips his hand away, probably having felt Levi stiffen under his touch and mistakenly believing it was unwelcome. Levi misses it already. “You have a tattoo?”

Levi freezes because oh, yes, that. 

“A shitty one.” He blurts out quickly, because he really doesn’t like it. He was about five years younger and drunk, so it’s no insult to the artist, he just doesn’t like that he has wings stamped on him for eternity. Really, it was that. Levi can’t even remember why he would have chosen wings, only that he was drunk and probably depressed and wishing he could just fly away from it all.

… Actually, around that time there was a poem he wrote that turned into an unreleased song. Wings of freedom. So yeah, it was that.

“That’s just like L’s tattoo!” Eren blurts. Levi cringes because this is it, his cover is blown — Eren’s going to start shrieking or maybe get angry that Levi hid it from him —  “Wow, you must know him better than I thought. Are you two related or something?”

Levi resists the urge to facepalm. Only Eren.

“Kind of.” Levi says vaguely. And then, because it makes him inwardly smile. “I’ve known him for my whole life.”

“What’s he like?” Eren asks excitedly, and Levi has to remember not to be too self-deprecating. Eren is a fan, after all. 

“Short.”

“So it runs in the family?”

Levi gives Eren an unimpressed look and he takes that as his clue to start rambling on about the bird’s nest again, how the eggs are as blue as the sky and how he wants to draw it because apparently his father loved birds. Levi listens attentively, trying not to shudder when their shoulders brush accidentally as they walk side by side down the hallway. 

*

Later that day, when they’re slowly getting dressed, Eren asks him if he’d like to go to the concert together.

“I just figured, since you’re freely giving tickets to me,” — Mikasa hadn’t been able to get off work — “Maybe you’d want to go together?” And Levi, Levi panics because — Well he is going to the concert, but he can’t very well go with Eren.

But Eren, Eren looks so sincere, like he wouldn’t want anything other than to go with Levi to the concert. And Levi doesn’t want anything else, either, but he can’t very well leave with Eren. 

First of all, he needs to be backstage a hell of a lot earlier than Eren would even be at the venue and second of all, Levi would feel absolutely shitty for leaving Eren alone during the concert which — since he’s the one actually singing he would kind of need to.

So, Levi lies, “I’m… not going.” It’s a horrible lie brought on by panic and surprise — two things Levi doesn’t do — he shouldn’t have been surprised, really, it’s such an Eren-thing to want to go together. Levi just really hasn’t thought about it before now.

It does make him have to bite back a smile when he thinks that it’s an Eren-thing to do, because he knows Eren now, enough to tell that there are things Eren would do and things he wouldn’t do. 

He knows.

It’s an amazing feeling and he can’t quite get the butterflies in his stomach to stop fluttering — it’s not because now he knows what Eren sounds like in the throes of pleasure. He tells himself it’s just nerves, but considering he’s usually not nervous, it’s a very weak excuse.

So weak, in fact, that Hange notices.

“What’s up with you today? You look less murderous than usual.” She taps her fingers on the steering wheel as they drive to the venue for yet another sound check . Levi’s never liked the thought of having a driver to get him from place A to place B, and honestly he trusts Hange a hell of a lot more than he would some random person.

She might be crazy, but she’s an excellent driver — which is a sentence Levi never thought he’d think because before she got her licence Levi was convinced she was going to kill herself and everyone around her the second she plopped behind the wheel.

But she didn’t. She somehow manages to put away the crazy long enough to drive safely and Levi trusts her.

Eren had looked dejected when Levi said he wasn’t going to the concert, but had lit up again when Levi asked Eren to get L’s autograph afterwards for him.

“Oh! Yeah I get to meet the band with this type of ticket, don’t I?” And before Levi could nod, ‘yes’, Eren had gotten a confused look on his face, “But wait, you said you’d known L all your life, can’t you get an autograph yourself?”

Fuck.

“It’s not for me, it’s for Hange.”

Levi sighs at the memory as he looks out the window. What he wouldn’t give to go with Eren. Would it be a date? Would Eren hold his hands at the slow songs and kiss him when the lights turned on again?

It’s a nice fantasy, but Levi has to remind himself it’ll never be more than that.

Even considering what happened between them. Eren does that with all his friends. Eren’s just seeing sex as a stress relief. Levi was just there and convenient and consenting.

It meant nothing — to Eren. To Levi it meant everything.

He looks out the window again, watches the city fly by at a speed too fast for his eyes to catch. It’s all a blur of grey and green from the concrete buildings and the nature sprouting in between.

*

“Oh my God , Mikasa, what am I going to wear?”

Eren’s panicking. He’s panicking a lot. 

He has a date with Levi. Levi invited him to a concert and they’re going on a date — somehow his muddled brain has conveniently decided to remove the fact that Levi said he was not going. Well, he’s not forgotten, just… Eren kind of hopes Levi lied and that he’ll surprise Eren at the venue later today since it’s Eren’s birthday and all.

When Levi said he wasn’t going, it didn’t sound all that convincing if Eren’s honest.

But still, he can’t very well show up looking like a hobo or something. Because Eren still has this innate need to impress Levi, even if Levi — maybe — isn’t coming, especially considering what happened between them.

Eren shudders to think if what happened between them was a one time thing. A temporary lapse in judgement on Levi’s side.

He hopes not.

He barely registers what Mikasa’s saying because his mind is suddenly on something else.

He remembers the day he’d walked in on Levi shirtless — it would have been the source of his masturbation material for many days after, had something else not happened when they had gotten back to Levi’s apartment.

He’d been invited in for a cup of tea. And Eren, Eren has never been able to say ‘no’ to Levi, so he accepted. They drank tea on the couch, the very couch Eren had fallen asleep against a couple of weeks earlier. 

The very couch where Eren had woken up and heard Levi singing what he could only describe as a haunting love song. Haunting , because it felt like Levi’s voice was haunting him in his dreams and in his waking moments — but, like, in a nice way.

Eren doesn’t know how they got to where they got. One moment, they were casually on the couch, drinking rhubarb and cream tea, and the next they were making out.

Eren would have liked to have known how they got from point A to point B, since he’d very much like to go to point B again . Because Levi’s mouth was the most sinful thing he’s ever experienced. 

Eren knows he’s had a lot of sex, and he somewhat knew that Levi might be a tiny bit more inexperienced than himself. But the fact that Levi managed to say ‘ I’ve never had sex with a man before ’, made Eren fall a bit more in love with him.

Not because of the fact that Levi was almost what one would consider a virgin , no, but because of the fact that Levi seemed to trust Eren with his first time. And Eren, Eren was going to make it the best first time anyone had ever had.

Looking back, thinking of Levi’s blissed out expression and his panting moans. He thinks he accomplished it.

“How do you want to do this,” Eren had asked while sucking beautiful hickies into Levi’s throat. The vibrations of Levi’s groans filling his ears.

He had not expected the muffled, “I want to fuck you,” from Levi’s mouth. He had not expected to be picked up and carried to Levi’s bedroom and thrown on the bed. How a person that small could be that strong was a wonder, but the fact that Eren’s cock jumped from here to sunday over the fact, was even more of a wonder.

He might have gotten away with Levi not finding out about his very newly figured out kink , had he not moaned loudly enough for someone to bang on the wall behind his head.

And God , Levi had smirked and he’d looked like the devil.

Eren would have gladly gone to hell for that smirk.

“—ren! Eren!” 

Eren realises he’s still on the phone with Mikasa and he’s abruptly pulled out of his fantasy — except it isn’t a fantasy since it actually happened .

Eren can’t help but grin like a lovestruck teenager.

“Where did you go?” Mikasa asks, and if she’d been able to see him, she’d have known. But since she can only hear his voice, she wouldn’t have known that Eren just remembered the best orgasm he’s ever had.

How Levi’s fingers inside him had lit a fire in him he’d seldom experienced. How Levi’s breath on his neck made his own catch in his throat.

How —

“Eren, you gotta stop drooling over Levi. You’ll see him in a few hours, anyway.”

And… what?

“What?” Eren asks, lifting his phone to check that no, he doesn’t have video on so, “ How? ”

Mikasa chuckles, “Dude, I’m your sister, I know you. And also, you moaned ‘ Levi ’ —” She imitates one of those very porn-esque moans that the girls in those videos seem to make a lot of. Eren cringes, “— once or twice so I can only guess you were thinking about him? Did something happen that you haven’t told me?”

And, some people might think it’s weird to discuss your sex life with your sibling, but for Eren and Mikasa, it’s normal. It’s how they work. So Eren tells Mikasa of the whole ‘ accidentally saw my neighbour shirtless and then I ended up with his dick in my ass as he pounded me into the mattress which then resulted in the best orgasm of my life and also, I think I’m in love ’ incident. Which wasn’t actually an incident, as much as it was a dream come true. 

Mikasa knows, of course, that it was a dream come true. She’s had to listen to him for the past couple of months.

Mikasa hums, “Go with your black blazer. And a white tee underneath. It makes your muscles stand out and if you want him to fuck you backstage afterwards, you need to make him drool a bit first.”

Eren laughs, “I love you, you know that?”

Mikasa ends the call with a, ‘Yeah, I know,' and a, ‘Go get your man.'

Chapter Text

“Are we meeting someone else here?” Jean asks, and it’s only then that Eren realises that he’s been scanning the crowd for a full five minutes. Eren can’t shake the feeling that he’s going to see Levi tonight — it doesn’t make any sense but he imagines his face in the crowd, imagines that Levi’s eyes are for him and only him. 

His stomach is fluttering with butterflies and it takes all of Eren’s strength not to grin like a dopey idiot — because Jean would just give him shit for it. Eren just feels so happy. It’s not an unfamiliar feeling but it certainly is rare. Not that long ago Eren believed he would never truly be happy again. 

Something is going to happen tonight. Eren is sure of it. 

“No.” Eren offers a noncommittal shrug, but nothing more. 

“Okayyyy…” Jean says, dragging out the word in a way that  sounds suspicious. “You sure you’re good? You’ve been acting weird all day.”

“I’m just thinking.”

“Huh, you know how to do that?”

“Oh fuck off, horse face.” Eren scowls, but there’s really no heat behind it, and even Jean can tell.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were in love.” He teases, clasping his hands over his heart. “Let me guess, hoping to catch your crush’s eye tonight?”

“What do you mean?” Eren asks, his heart hammering, because how could Jean of all people have figured out that Eren is in love with—

“Don’t play coy with me, I bet my next paycheck that you’re gonna try and hook up with L tonight. You’ve been crushing on that guy forever and now that we have these kickass front-row seats, which, by the way how the hell did you manage that? Well, it’d be a crime to pass up such a golden opportunity.” Jean says, making some lewd gesture with his hands that Eren ignores.  

And Eren can’t believe it, but he’d rather see Levi than No Name. He has front-row seats to his favourite band and yet, all he can think is — God, I wish Levi were here with me. 

He’s still excited to hear the new songs the band is rumoured to be premiering, and of course Eren’s practically vibrating out of his skin with anticipation, because he’s never been this close to the stage before. Never this close to hear the songs that have made him feel things he’s only dreamt of in faraway places. He just wishes Levi were here to listen with him. 

“No, that’s not it,” Eren mutters. “Besides, I’m done with sleeping around.” 

Honestly, Eren doesn’t want anyone else. He’s fairly confident that Levi’s touch has ruined him for all others. And even if Levi doesn’t want anything exclusive…

Well, no matter how it makes Eren’s heart constrict inside his chest, he knows he’ll take whatever he can get, so long as he can have Levi in some way. Eren honestly can’t imagine a future without him, can hardly remember a past when he didn’t know Levi Ackerman. 

Jean blinks, his eyes comically wide. “Yeah, I heard you kicked Reiner out in the middle of sex so lemme ask, who are you and what have you done with Eren Yeager?” 

“Fuck you.” Eren rolls his eyes, his heart stuttering in his chest when he sees a familiar — nope, the hair is too long. Dammit. 

“My point exactly.” Jean elbows him in the ribs, ignoring Eren’s glare. “Dude, no offence but, like… you’re a slut. I mean, we all really love you and wanna help you but like… Did you finally get a girl pregnant or something?”

“Um, no.” Eren says hotly. “God! Do I have to have a reason?”

“Are you becoming a monk?”

“No I am not becoming a fucking monk — and I didn’t say I wasn’t having sex anymore.” Eren whispers, lowering his voice when the girls sitting on the other side of Jean begin to stare at them. “Just… I met someone, alright? Be cool about it.”

“Who?”

Eren scowls. “It’s a secret.” And it’s not that he’s embarrassed of Levi, of course not. He just knows that the way the two of them met was somewhat awkward — with Jean being his usual loud, overbearing self and Levi comparing him to a chia pet. Plus, Eren can’t imagine anything more awkward than telling his ex-fuck buddy about his current fuck buddy except he kind-of-sort-of really wants to date Levi, kind of wants to go see movies and dine at fancy restaurants and —

He just wants Levi. He wants him in every way possible, in this life and the next. He never wants to be parted from him for even a second.

And if Eren told Jean that he’d just laugh, and the jokes would never end. 

For the first time in his life, falling in love doesn’t seem like a joke. 

“So this mystery person doesn’t exist, or… ” Jean ponders, stroking his chin exaggeratedly. “Or they’re hideously ugly."

“He is not.” Eren snaps, and Jean snickers.

“Oh so it’s a ‘he’, huh?”

Thankfully, at that exact moment the stage lights begin to dim, saving Eren from Jean’s inane questioning. 

*

The concert is amazing, but Eren isn’t at all surprised by the fact. No Name is known for their mesmerising concerts — the lights, the sounds, the songs. It’s an all around ethereal experience that Eren will always be surprised about every single time he sees them live.

They go through the newest album, with songs Eren has heard before. Then they surprise the audience by singing “She doesn’t sleep”, a song no one has heard live since their very first concert. A song that they very recently decided to record — seemingly out of the blue.

Eren smirks at the thought of Levi convincing L and the rest of the band to record the song after he’d heard Eren sing it through the wall. The fact that Levi knows someone as famous as L is just — Eren is jealous. 

Granted, he’d much rather have Levi sing for him right now than L, but he still can’t help but feel a bit starstruck when he swears he gets eye contact with L from the stage.

Their booth is right at the front, raised up above the standing crowd, which means they’re basically in direct eye sight of the band and Eren feels… he feels sort of naked with L’s eyes on him. Because he knows L’s eyes are on him.

He’s just going to have to ask L about it when they go backstage.

Which — oh my God.

Eren is almost sure the concert is finished when they play the last song of their album, but then L looks at H and they both nod to each other, as if they’re having a silent conversation. Then L takes a step forward, grips the microphone and starts talking.

“This, uh, this song is fairly new. I wrote this for —” L sounds, unsure, almost. Eren’s never heard him sound like this. He always sounds so confident, “— for someone special. And he’s here tonight because I, uh, invited him. So yeah, this is for him.”

And then they turn up the distortion on the guitar and Eren instantly recognises the song and the lyrics and he can’t help but exhale shakingly. 

It’s the song Levi sang that night they were drinking, when he thought Eren was asleep. When Eren went up and hugged Levi from behind, but he never heard anything about that, so he just assumes Levi doesn’t remember.

Or maybe… Maybe Levi hated it so much he repressed the memory and opted to never talk about it with Eren. Maybe Levi didn’t want Eren’s love.

And L said the song was written for someone special, and Levi knows the song.

Maybe Levi doesn’t want to be loved by Eren.

The person Levi is in love with, his unrequited love, is L, and L is now telling Levi that his love is reciprocated.

Which means… Levi has to be here.

Which means he lied to Eren, but not to surprise Eren.

He didn’t want Eren to know. 

He’s in love with someone else and Eren’s heart breaks. 

Breaks in a thousand, tiny little pieces, in a way he hasn’t experienced since his father passed away, in a way he’d never even think one’s heart could break over something as silly as an unrequited love.

*

Eren almost doesn’t want to go backstage to meet the one Levi’s in love with, but he promised to get an autograph for Hange, so he drags himself there. Jean gives him a quizzical look, but thankfully he doesn’t ask.

They show their tickets and their ID to the bouncer and are led through a series of maze-like corridors with too many doors and not enough light. Eren’s plan of escaping soundlessly and unseen is thrown out the door (pun unintended) since he would never be able to find a way out by himself.

He slows down when he hears manic laughing that tickles his brain in the same way as when you smell something you know you’ve smelled before but you can’t quite pin-point what the smell is.

It’s like a strange form of deja-vu, without being able to recall when it happened for the first time.

Then he and Jean are being ushered into No Name’s dressing room and Eren forgets how to breathe because—

Levi is there. Levi is there, water bottle in his hands, stars in his eyes, and he looks like every dream Eren’s ever had. Eren feels his heart stutter and he realises that Levi must be waiting for L, to kiss him and tell him how much he loves him back, and sweet Jesus, Eren’s going to have to watch his love be taken away.

Again.

Eren frowns, confused at the thought.

“Are you gonna stand in the doorway all night?” Jean grouses behind him before Eren can even attempt to make awkward small-talk, nudging his shoulder. 

“I think he’s having a revelation.” H whispers conspiratorially, eyes twinkling behind her bandages and… huh, ‘H’ sounds a lot like Hange…

And then H’s statement registers and Eren blinks, because what revelation?

And the funny thing is, is that Levi is staring at him. He’s looking at Eren and only Eren, as if even if he saw him for the rest of his life, it still wouldn’t be long enough. But he doesn’t look embarrassed to be caught in a lie. 

“Uh,” Eren says, elegantly, because he does have quite that way with words. “Hey Levi, fancy meeting you here?”

Levi quirks a brow up, looking amused but also… nervous. His smile is small and seems weak, strained. “Did you enjoy the show?”

“Oh! Yeah, yeah it was great.” Eren nods like someone in need of a tranquilliser, and Jean mutters an expletive behind him. “As always, nothing but perfection. Is… um, is L here?”

At that, Levi and H exchange a look, and wait — do they know each other too? Well, it would make sense if Levi knew L he’d probably know everyone else in the band—

“Um, yeah?” Levi says, visibly confused. Behind him, Jean hums.

“Hey… you look familiar. Have we met?”

Oh great. Just what Eren was not looking forward to. At least he didn’t tell Jean that his crush was Levi, it would just make his unrequited love sting just that bit more. 

“Yeah, Jean. This is my —” Eren almost chokes on the word, and his eyes burn as he forces it out. “ — friend, Levi. We’re neighbours?”

“Hold on,” Jean gasps. “Your neighbour is freaking L?”

“What? No, he just knows L.” Probably intimately. Eren thinks, sourly but when he looks back at Levi he has his head in his hands. Jesus, was Eren not supposed to tell anyone? Was it some kind of secret? Now not only is Levi in love with one of Eren’s idols, he’s now probably pissed because Eren let slip delicate information—

Eren suddenly realises that H is laughing so hard she’s beginning to cry.

“God, this is too good!” She gasps, doubling over. “Guess it’s a better disguise than we ever thought, Levi!”

“Can it four-eyes.” Levi grumbles, and wait, that’s what Levi calls Hange—

When Levi holds up the tangled bandages in his fist, Eren forgets how to breathe.

Because the songs—

The front seat tickets… and Levi has said he was ‘busy’ the night of the concert when Eren had invited him—

“I’ve known him for all of my life.”

The hair, the eyes… fuck, the tattoo—

It all makes sense. 

L is Levi.

Chapter Text

“Holy fucking shit,” Eren blurts, “You’re L?”

Levi smirks, but his eyes soften, and there’s still a touch of insecurity there that Eren still can’t understand. “Bravo Eren, truly the deduction of the century,” he says dryly, and Eren’s mouth opens and closes soundlessly. He’s aware he probably looks like a gaping, dying fish but… this means Levi isn’t in love with L.

Unfortunately, Eren and his big mouth apparently feel the need to voice this out loud. “So you’re not in love with L?”

The room goes deathly silent. 

“Am I… what?” Levi asks, finally, after the silence has stretched from awkward to painful. The wheels in Eren’s mind are spinning fast, too fast, drawing conclusions that have him nearly trembling. 

“Who was the song dedicated to, then?” Eren asks before he can help himself, and that’s when H (who is obviously Hange, Eren realises) ushers Jean outside with the promise of ‘free merch’ and ‘the best place to collect moths.’

And then it’s just Levi and Eren, alone, together in their own world. 

And their eyes never leave the others. 

“You thought—” Levi blinks, looking stunned. He looks like Eren’s just sprouted another head — maybe that would be less shocking to him. “How narcissistic do you think I am, brat?”

Eren huffs, feeling his cheeks heat. “Well… I didn’t know you and L were — you know, the same person.” And then, because Eren’s brain rarely ever catches up with his mouth, he follows that up with. “I thought he might be inside of you in a different way.”

Levi looks distinctly unimpressed. “And you never noticed that we have the exact same haircut?”

“Uhm—”

“Or that we’re the exact same height?”

“When you put it like that I sound stupid.” Eren grumbles, and then he slaps his forehead. “Oh fuck — you two have the exact same tattoo! In the same place!”

Levi rolls his eyes, but a hint of a smile tugs at his lips. “Like I said, I’ve known him for all of my life,” he says sarcastically, stepping closer, and Eren’s suddenly acutely aware that they’re the only two people left in the room. “But…”

“But?” Eren asks, weakly, his heart rabbiting inside of his chest, so quickly he fears it’ll give out when he’s so close to the heavens, the stars, to getting everything he never knew he wanted but now he needs like water or the air he breathes. Levi’s eyes glimmer under the fluorescent lights and, if Eren’s not mistaken, look a bit glossy. 

“I dedicated that song to you,” Levi says softly, and the dizzying weight of that statement hits Eren like a freight train, leaving him breathless and wide-eyed. 

“Oh,” Eren says dumbly, and when he realises just how dumb that sounds, he stammers out over the lump in his throat. “So you like me back?”

Levi smiles — fuck, Eren’s heart is in his throat. His hands find their way to Levi’s shoulders because he thinks his legs are about to give out and he needs Levi to steady him.

Levi leans closer, his hands grasping Eren’s biceps, pulling him closer, almost melting their bodies together as one inseparable form. 

“A little bit more than ‘like,’ Eren,” Levi whispers, “But thank you for confirming my heart is safe in your hands.”

“As mine is in yours,” Eren rejoins, his voice barely audible. He has no idea where the words have come from but he knows it’s true — it’s the strangest sense of deja vu, he’s said those words before, felt them tattooed onto his bones for centuries. They make up the fabric of his soul. This isn’t a simple beginning, but a requiting, and before Eren can figure out just what the hell that means, Levi’s lips are on his. 

Their lips slot together as if Levi and Eren were made specifically for each other. Fire races through Eren’s veins, sharp and electric as Levi’s tongue traces over the seam of his lips, and before Eren can blink they’re kissing and moaning and tearing at each other’s clothes.

It feels like the first time, like a second time and like a million others. 

“I need you, I need you.” Eren mumbles over and over again, like a prayer, as Levi sucks a bruise into his neck. Suddenly Levi’s on his back on the couch and Eren’s straddling him. Their shirts are ripped and their mouths are swollen and cherry-red, and Eren thinks he’s never been more in love.

He’s also never needed someone inside of him as terribly as he needs Levi now — though, hasn’t Levi always been there? Hasn’t he already claimed a piece of Eren’s soul as his own? 

Levi looks up at Eren with eyes full of love and lust and want and all the feelings Eren would never be able to convey, but they’re there. 

Levi’s palm is flat over his heart when he murmurs. “Never leave me again.”

I never wanted to. Eren thinks, out loud he groans, as Levi palms his clothed cock. “Please fuck me, fuck me right here. Be rough, be gentle, I don’t care. I want everyone to hear.”

Levi’s eyes are more black than blue, his pupils eating up even the whites of his eyes as he rasps. “Yeah? You need me, baby?”

Eren grinds against Levi’s own erection, eliciting a gasp that dwindles into a low moan, and Eren smiles when Levi’s fingers claw at his thighs. 

“You need me?” Eren asks as he’s basically fucking himself in Levi’s lap. He’s able to feel Levi through the fabric separating them and he wants — 

And Levi looks debauched in every way possible and Eren feels a shot of pride at being the one who made him look like that.

“More than anything,” Levi confirms breathlessly, and a thrill travels up Eren’s spine as Levi digs a condom and lube out of his back pocket with one hand, and begins undoing the button on Eren’s jeans with his free hand. “I don’t want to leave this couch for the rest of the night.”

“Let’s destroy it.” Eren laughs, and then whines when Levi pinches and twists a nipple, so tightly, so wonderfully. “Fuck — do that again.”

They rock together on the couch, feverish and panting, until something inside both of them snaps and suddenly Eren’s clothes join Levi’s on the floor and Levi’s fingers are circling his entrance, and then thrusting deep inside of him. Eren’s clawing at Levi’s shoulders, pushing his hips back needily, sinking deeper and deeper onto Levi’s fingers because he needs all of him, every last bit. He can’t breathe from the intensity of it all, so Levi draws his head down and kisses him, sharing the air in his own lungs, breathing life back into him. 

Levi looks — he looks so beautiful. Naked, spread out under Eren like a God, and Eren can’t — he can’t believe Levi’s here with him. This is a thousand times better than the first time and Eren never wants to stop.

Tears prick against the back of Eren’s eyes and he doesn’t know why.

But he does know this is all he’s ever wanted. 

Levi strokes him faster, rough and perfect yet so impossibly gentle, it’s as if he knows exactly how to touch Eren even though this is only their second time together. Eren doesn’t complain, his body fits perfectly against every one of Levi’s curves. Eren realises he kisses Levi like he knows him, too.

It feels as if it’s been an eternity since they’ve shared this, but eternity is boiled down to minutes and seconds when they touch. Levi’s fingerprints are burned into Eren’s skin and it feels like he never left.

Eren claws at Levi’s chest, his upper arms, his neck — everywhere, wherever he can get his hands, because he just wants to touch Levi.

“I — I… Levi, I—” Eren pants senselessly, as he lifts his hips up, directed by Levi’s hands. Levi’s chest is heaving beneath him, his face eerily still with focus, but his eyes are illuminated by some white-hot flame of desire. “I… lo—”

Whatever Eren was about to say is swiftly cut off as Levi thrusts up — in this moment even Eren forgets what was about to come out of his mouth because Eren sinks down, and the air is ripped from his lungs as Levi slowly but steadily fills him. 

And Levi, Levi looks like he’s having an out-of-body religious experience and Eren still can’t believe he’s the one making Levi look like the fucking personification of sin.

The ache, the stretch, the fullness should be uncomfortable but it isn’t. It’s like a missing piece of Eren has been returned, and he knows with startling clarity that he never wants to lose it again. 

Having Levi inside him feels so much like the first time and so much like a first time and Eren can’t quite figure out which one he likes the most. Levi lets him adjust, Eren’s ass against his pelvis, his throbbing cock inside Eren and —

Eren is letting out a steady stream of moans, whispers of ‘Levi’ and ‘please’ and ‘more’ because he can’t get his brain, his body, to cooperate with him enough to give it to himself.

He needs Levi. Needs Levi to give everything to him.

And Eren will give everything that he is to Levi. Every last bit. 

Eren’s falling apart at the seams and when Levi slowly thrusts up it’s like his soul is removed from his body and mixed with Levi’s in an ethereal cocktail.

Levi lifts Eren’s hips to match his thrusts and all Eren can think is ‘oh my God, he is so strong,’ and he knew, of course, that Levi was strong. But the fact that he’s using Eren, just fucking into him because Eren is too overwhelmed to do anything but take it.

Levi shifts a tiny bit and — “There!” 

And Levi smirks, twitches his lip up in a sinful smile and Eren can’t feel anything but Levi, Levi, Levi and oh my God. It’s all encompassing, all around him. Levi has his mind, body, and soul and Eren doesn’t even care.

Levi focuses on that one spot that makes Eren see the moon and stars because his eyes are scrunched closed so tightly he can’t very well see anything else. Eren can feel his eyes follow his head as it rolls back on his neck, almost as if he lost all coordination in his muscles.

It feels like he did.

It feels like Levi takes everything that makes Eren, Eren and breaks it apart before building it up again and Eren loves him.

Loves the feeling of Levi’s hands on his hips — clenching so hard he’s sure he’s going to get bruises. Loves the feeling of Levi’s breath on his skin when his muscles give up and he leans down to pant into Levi’s shoulder. 

Adores the way Levi possessively thrust into him.  

“Levi, Levi, Levi,” Eren chants when he manages to sit up again and he continues  bouncing up and down, his muscles twitching and shaking, a thin sheen of sweat covering his body.

“Eren, baby, I love you,” Levi answers and that’s it.

Eren already had a moment when he figured out he wanted Levi.

But this, this is the moment he figures that he needs Levi.

Eren opens his eyes, tears gathering in the corners and Levi smiles and his eyes are soft eyes and that’s it for Eren.

Eren’s back arches and he comes with a guttural scream, a feeling of electricity moving through his body. Makes him stand on edge before tipping him over into the abyss, but it’s okay because Levi’s there to catch him.

Levi comes a second later, holding Eren’s hips down, groaning as he bites into Eren’s shoulder, but Eren barely feels the pain. All he feels is euphoria and a feeling of contentment and completion he’s never felt before.

*

Eren doesn’t want to leave the couch, but Levi does insist that they clean up a bit. Eren can barely move his legs, and Levi chuckles before carrying him to the on-suite bathroom and sitting Eren on the toilet lid.

Eren dozes off. He doesn’t remember doing it, but he knows it happened, because when he opens his eyes again he’s clean, dry, and lying in Levi’s arms on the worn out couch — which is also clean and dry now.

He’s been put in sweatpants and a T-shirt that isn’t his, but Eren’s too tired to care. Especially when Levi’s right here next to him. Nothing else matters.

“Levi?”

“Hm?”

“I love you, too.”

Levi chuckles against his cheek, “I know, baby.”

Eren pouts, “I’m sorry it took so long for me to figure it out.”

“That’s okay, it took me a while, too.”

And Eren dozes off again, to the smell of Levi’s cologne, to the tickle of his hair against his skin, and to his arms wrapped protectively around him.

It’s perfect.

Chapter Text

Levi can’t remember the last time he ever felt so perfect. He’s lying on the couch, lax and compliant, combing his fingers through Eren’s gorgeous long hair and he feels as if he doesn’t have a care in the world. Eren’s cheek is so close to his heartbeat, no doubt can hear the steady thump thump thump and Levi hopes that he realises it’s because of him that Levi feels this way.

Safe.

Free.

Steady.

Like I’ve come home after running my entire life. 

Levi’s muscles ache pleasantly and the smile on his face feels strange, but not unwelcome. 

“Do you ever…” Eren starts, and then stops, frowning to himself like he’s considering something deeply. It’s so cute and Levi can’t believe he can openly think that now, and not have to berate himself for being in love with Eren Jaeger.

“Do I ever what? Not finish my sentences?”

“Hey! I was gonna.” Eren laughs, swatting his chest playfully before he snuggles deeper against Levi’s side, and Levi’s arm hugs him closer. “Do you ever feel like you’ve done something before even if it’s the first time?”

Levi thinks about that. Really thinks about that. There have been events in his life that seem predetermined, like fate. Other memories seem more like dreams, seen through a sepia filter haze when he recalls them. Levi has had brief flashes of clarity in which he feels as if he knows everything, and then a moment later he feels lost again.

Levi almost feels like he has been waiting for this moment his entire life.

He can’t put a finger on it, but the feeling lingers. It feels as if they were always meant to end up like this. Together. Held in each other’s arms, never too far, because even a mile of separation would be unbearably agonising. 

Levi has always felt his heart calling out for something unknown and only recently has that something revealed itself to be Eren. 

But it has felt like that forever. 

“I think our stars aligned at just the right time,” Levi whispers, in a voice so soft he wonders at first if he merely thought the words until Eren smiles up at him. He’s so beautiful and brilliant and happy. Eren’s ocean eyes are filled with a kind of contentment that makes Levi’s heart ache, because he feels like he’s missed it forever. 

“I think we are the stars,” Eren whispers back, a smirk pulling at the corners of his lips.

Levi just laughs and holds him close, kissing him until the only thoughts inside of their heads are of each other. 

And then the door opens.

“Hey! You guys decent? Done? Finished rubbing your genitals together?”

Levi sighs, it sounds like both a ‘who the fuck dares interrupt me’ and a ‘I am not even surprised’ sigh and Eren loves that he’s able to discern even the smallest of Levi’s mannerisms.

“Yeah, we’re done,” Levi says as he sits up and Eren instantly feels cold on the side of his body that Levi was lying against. When he looks up, Hange and Jean are entering the room. Hange looks frenzied while Jean looks uncomfortable.

Eren has no idea what’s going on.

But that’s not really a surprise.

“So!” Hange exclaims as she plops down on the couch between Eren and Levi. She looks from side to side to give them both a maniacal grin. “How was it?”

Eren blushes, “Uh,” because he’s not really sure what he’s supposed to say to a question like that. ‘It was awesome’? No… ‘It was the best sex of my life’? He’s not sure Jean would appreciate a comment like that.

Although Jean looks like he’d rather be anywhere else and he eyes the couch with a scrunched up face that screams disdain.

Luckily for him, Levi saves the day, “You don’t care about that, you care about whether this means we’re together or not. You want to know if you’ve won the bet with Mike.”

Hange puts a hand on her chest and looks offended, but it’s the worst fake offence Eren’s ever seen and he’s suddenly filled with affection for the friendship Levi and Hange seem to share because Levi deserves the best and he deserves to have a friend like Hange.

It reminds him of his relationship with his sister and he has to hide a smile behind a poorly timed cough. Jean scoffs because he knows Eren and he sees right through Eren and he knows that Eren is happy, even when he tries to hide it.

Hange and Levi seem to have a staring contest on the other side of Eren and Hange seems to win? Lose? Eren’s not sure, but it ends with Hange throwing her hands up in the air in what looks like she’s conceding. “Fine! You’re right, Levi. But please tell me?” She pouts at Levi, “I wanna win the bet.”

Levi smirks before shifting his eyes past Hange to Eren. Eren’s not quite sure what’s going on, but he gets the feeling Levi’s silently asking for permission to tell his friends about them and Eren, Eren wants to scream it for the world to hear, so he smiles and gives a tiny nod.

“Yeah, Eren’s my boyfriend, if he wants to be.”

And hearing those words from Levi’s mouth makes Eren flush form his ears and all the way down to hit collarbones and it makes his dick twitch in the very loose borrowed sweatpants and he’s sure both Hange and Jean notices because Hange cackles and Jean groans in a way that again tells Eren he’d rather be anywhere else.

‘Suck it, Jean,’ Eren wants to say, but really Jean can leave whenever he wants. He’s probably only staying because Mikasa threatened him with bodily harm if he let Eren out of his sight. And also probably because looking after Eren is the safest way into Mikasa’s pants, but Eren tries not to think about that.

“I want to be,” Eren finds himself saying with a face so red he’s surprised there’s any blood left to travel south to make his dick twitch when Levi gives him a wink behind Hange’s head.

“Told you,” Hange says, sounding smug, and Levi lazily flips her off. “I’m serious! I knew it was only a matter of time until you love birds got your act together. I have a sixth sense about these things — I’m the porn predictor!”

“The what?” Levi asks flatly, scrunching his nose up and he looks so adorable that Eren has to remind himself (and his dick) that round two will have to wait until their friends aren’t in the same room.

“I mean,” Hange continues, even as Jean tries to pretend he’s not paying attention, grimacing at his phone screen. “The sexual tension between you two was suffocating! I was seriously considering locking you two inside of a broom closet just to get it over with.”

Jean tries and fails to muffle a snicker. “They certainly were both stuck inside of a certain closet.”

“Oh wow, that’s really original.” Eren rolls his eyes. “Say, maybe we should try that trick on you and Mikasa.” Predictably, that gets Jean to shut up.

“The mullet has eyes for your sister?” Levi raises his eyebrows. “Damn. Good luck with that.”

“The mull — Wait, what did you call me?” Jean demands, the tips of his ears reddening.

“Aw, don’t listen to Levi! I think mullets are cool… actually I was sort of considering—”

“Do that and I’ll shave your entire head.” Levi cuts Hange off, his eyes narrowing in warning. “Jesus, imagining it even gives me the chills. It’d be worse than the time you dyed your eyebrows green.”

“Oh, well if you hate green then I’m sure you’ll love to hear what Eren did to his hair when he was thirteen—”

“Don’t you dare.” Eren groans. “C’mon Jean, the bro code! Don’t try and ruin my relationship as soon as it starts.”

“So I have to wait three to five business days?”

“It’d be different with Eren, anyway.” Levi sniffs, squeezing Eren’s shoulder. “He could wear a trashbag and still look cute.”

God, now Eren really needs Jean and Hange to leave the room. 

“Okay but seriously, Eren,” Jean says as he finally stops standing by the closed door and walks over to slump on the couch — before immediately giving Eren a dirty look and sliding down onto the floor.

“Psh, as if that’s any more sanitary,” Eren mumbles under his breath. Levi snickers and Eren smiles.

“How did you not figure it out?” Jean continues, “I mean it was clearly blindly obvious to anyone but you.”

“Hey! You didn’t know either!” Eren tries to defend himself with, “And how was I supposed to recognise them all with all those bandages on?”

“Haven’t you been hearing him sing every day for months? Can’t you recognise his voice? Are you that dumb?”

“I— I’m not stupid! I just—” Eren started but he was soon interrupted again.

“And haven’t you been crushin on L for like ever? How did you not make the connection?”

And Jean smirks and Levi smiles and Eren wants to laugh at his own stupidity but his anger is still somewhat an issue so instead of being mature he lashes out. “I just didn’t! Okay?!”

“Hey, Eren, it’s okay,” Hange says in a soft voice, “No one blames you, Jean here is just having a bit of fun. Don’t worry, we don’t think you’re stupid, honey.” And her voice calms him down, or maybe it’s Levi’s hands stroking his back in a soothing manner and all Eren wants is to fall asleep.

He feels warm and happy.

“Did you just purr?” Levi asks in a teasing tone and Eren’s eyes fly open.

“I did not!”

“You so did!” Hange adds.

“Nuh uh!” Eren defends.

“Yuh huh!”

“Please don’t encourage her, Eren. She’ll keep this game going until one of you passes out from exhaustion. And it will be you.” Levi says with a sigh. He looks like he’s given up on Hange but also like he’s happy too.

He looks very happy, actually and Eren can’t stop smiling.

There are a few seconds of serene calm where Levi and Eren seem to stare into each others’ soul — at least, that’s how it feels for Eren.

“I know! Let’s play truth or dare! We’re not drunk so we can easily do the dares!” Hange exclaims while jumping up from the couch.

“No, Hange we don’t want to play truth or fucking dare.” 

“But—”

“No.”

“Ugr but, Shorty, then how about —”

“No, we don’t want to play truth or truth either.”

“You don’t even know what I was gonna say!”

Eren can’t stop laughing as his head whips back and forth between Levi and Hange.

“I know you, Shitty Glasses. Of course I know what you were going to say.”

“But—”

“No.”

Hange pouts and looks like a three-year-old who just got told they couldn’t put their hand on the hot stove but they really, really want to. Levi looks at Hange with eyes that scream affection and adoration and Eren can’t help but let his laughter fall into a serene smile.

That is, until Jean decides to chip in.

“How about we just get out of this cum-smelling room?”

Eren bursts out laughing, looking between his friends and his boyfriend — Eren giggles internally at the word — and he thinks that this is happiness. This is why he moved to London. This is where all the hardships in his life led him to and he’s okay with that. It shaped him to be exactly the right person to be in exactly this time and place.

The stars really did align for them to be here today. He smacks Jean’s arm, “How about you —”

And then the gunshots start. 

Chapter Text

They had started and they never seemed to stop.

Loud.

Everywhere.

All at once. 

Levi had almost drowned once, as a child. He’d been at the local pool fooling around with some friends when one of them had taken things a bit too far and pushed Levi into the deep end. He hadn’t known how to swim and he was too short (always too short) to simply plant his feet and stand up to gasp for air. So he’d laid there, thrashing and writhing, choking down lungfuls of water when he’d tried to scream, and Levi had been certain he was going to die.

He’ll never forget that feeling of panic. That hysterical, directionless dread. He’ll never forget that for all of his determination, all of his strength, Levi had been helpless to fate and its cruel whims. 

Levi had been trapped under dark waters, and he had forgotten how to breathe. 

And all of those dizzying memories had rushed to the forefront of his mind sitting with Eren on the couch, holding him in his arms, hearing gunshots and screams and the sound of bodies falling. Levi had been drowning again. 

Levi knows what it’s like to die, somehow. 

And he knew — 

He knew that day he was going to die.

“Levi, we have to go.” Eren had said — maybe he had screamed, maybe he had cried. Levi hates that he can hardly remember, that his last remaining memories are going to be of chaos. Jean had been fumbling with his phone and choking down sobs and Hange had been wringing her hands and pacing anxiously. 

She had just kept asking Levi “What do we do? What do we do?”

Levi hadn’t known.

(He still doesn’t know now. What he could have done differently.

He dreams about it, sometimes. Dreams have simply become prettier nightmares.)

“Just… hold onto my hand.” Levi had told Eren, wiping tears from his cheeks. Levi’s own were wet and Eren had returned the favour. His touch had been so gentle even as he was shaking. “Don’t let go of me, okay? I’m gonna get us out of this Eren. I’m going to keep you safe, that’s a promise.”

I won’t let you die.

I won’t lose you.

Not again. Never again. I could not bear it.

I’ll save you, Eren, you don’t have to die. Not this time.

I swear I’ll never again have to close your eyes, press my ear to your chest to hear your heart stutter to a stop. I promise I’ll never again set flowers over your grave. 

But promises are meant to be broken. 

Levi seems destined to always regret the promises he could never keep, to the only one he has ever loved. 

Levi hadn’t even had a chance to kiss Eren one last time before the door to their dressing room had opened and they were running down the hall. He doesn’t ever think he’ll forget the stench of blood and death. He’ll never forget the taste of his own rancid fear. 

Levi will never, ever forget how tightly Eren’s hand had clutched his own. 

He will never forget when Eren’s grip loosened, and his hand fell away. 

*

“It’s a beautiful day,” Hange says as she closes the front door to her house and locks it, “it really is.” And Levi will have to agree because it really is . The sky is blue and there is not a cloud to be seen.

The blazing midday sun shines relentlessly into their eyes as they make their way to Hange’s car. 

It really is a beautiful day. One of those he’d have looked forward to in the past. One of those days where he could have sat outside and enjoyed the sun as he played guitar or wrote some fantasy story, inspired by the warmth and the light and the slight breeze that doesn’t take away the heat of spring but still brings a nice refreshing gust of wind.

*

“Eren!” Levi had screamed as he felt Eren’s hand fall from his, “Eren!” Levi had repeated, but his voice had been lost in the chaos around them. He’d been too short (always too short) to look over the mass of people running, screaming. He hadn’t been able to look for Eren, hadn’t been able to see him.

He’d almost fallen when someone bumped into him, when a hand had gripped his shoulder and pulled him up straight, “be careful, Levi,” Hange had said, tears streaming down her face as she frantically looked around — Mike, Erwin. Where were they?

“I lost Eren,” Levi managed to whisper, “I was holding his hand and now I’m not and I don’t know where he is,” Levi continued as his face was pressed against Hange’s chest as she shoved her way through the panicked crowd. 

There were three more gunshots and loud screams and Levi put both his hands over his ears and closed his eyes, letting himself be carried by Hange.

*

The air conditioning blasts Levi in the face as Hange starts the car, “I’m sorry,” she mumbles as she redirects the flow to somewhere above Levi’s head. 

Levi doesn't say anything, he leans his head against the window and closes his eyes.

“I’m going to pick up Mike and Erwin and their house, and then we’re going to Eren’s place,” Hange says as she backs out the driveway. 

All Levi can do is hum.

*

Levi had described chaotic scenes in books many times, almost too many times to count. Chaotic scenes aren’t paced or trudging. They’re not stationary. They’re wild and thrashing and fast and out of control. Levi remembered words such as mayhem, madness, havoc and so, so many words. His mind supplied him with them, to try and describe the scene he saw.

But they all seemed… inadequate, somehow. Being in the middle of it made all the words seem not enough to describe the pandemonium around them.

It was a state of utter confusion (as was the dictionary’s definition of chaos). When they finally left backstage and entered out onto the stage where they had been just a few hours before, all Levi could think of was ‘ confusion ’. 

Everywhere he looked people were running and screaming with a total lack of organisation or order.

Chaos was here before anyone else, and it will be here when everyone is gone. It is the infinity of space that preceded the existence of the ordered universe, and it will be the formless matter that will follow the existence of the universe everyone knows.

And Levi knew this, chaos will be the thing surpassing all of them and chaos will be the thing that never seems to run out. 

But this?

The scene Levi took in when he entered the stage was… it was something beyond chaos. It was something he’d never seen before and something he probably could never put into words.

There were bodies on the floor, covered in blood and bruises, their scared eyes wide open as if they’d been frozen in time.

And they probably had.

Because they’d never experience time again.

*

“It’s a beautiful day,” Erwin says as he enters the car. Levi’s about to get out so Erwin can have the front seat, but his offer is rejected with a hand on his shoulder. Levi shrugs and slumps back into the seat, the air conditioning fluttering the top strands of his black hair.

“I said that, too,” Hange supplies as she once again manoeuvres the car out of their driveway and turns the blinker on to get onto the main road.

“It’s Eren’s favourite weather,” Levi mumbles against the cold window, “He loves the sun and the heat, says it reminds him of summers in Germany. He hates the rain here.”

“Hm, then it’s the perfect day to do this, don’t you think?” Erwin says and Levi — Levi has to agree.

*

“Do you believe in reincarnation?” Hange had asked as they’d trudged through the mass of dead bodies to get to the exit. The gunshots had moved further away, and they felt safe enough to try and get out.

Levi knew Hange was trying to distract them both from the way the blood sounded underneath their shoes and the distant shots followed by screams. Levi was silent for a long while, just watching the blood pool around his shoes as he seemed to have forgotten how to walk and to breathe.

“I don’t know,” is what he said in the end. “I don’t know.”

And then someone had called Levi’s name and Levi had looked up and his whole world had collapsed.

*

They pick up Carla and Mikasa from Eren’s apartment. Levi now moves to the back seat to sit in the middle while Carla gets the front seat and Mikasa sits behind Mike. Hange had bought a van with more than five seats because she was always driving around more than just the band.

For the first time in forever, Levi’s actually glad that they can all fit in one car. It makes it all seem less daunting, more normal .

“It’s a beautiful day,” Carla says and Mikasa hums and nods as she finds her mother’s eyes in the rearview mirror. Levi finds Hange’s for no reason other than comfort.

The drive is silent and Levi tries to watch the buildings and the trees, but sitting in the middle between Erwin and Mike, his view is rather blocked. And so, he opts for leaning his head on Mike’s shoulder and dozing off. 

But before he can fall into a deep sleep, he hears Carla mumble, “Did we remember to give Eren his suit?”

Someone confirms that they did and Levi’s world finally fades to black.

It’s going to be a long drive, anyway.

*

“Eren! Thank God you’re okay!” Hange had screamed when they saw who had approached them, “We were so worried!” And Levi would have asked her to be quiet, but he felt like screaming too.

It felt like a wait had been taken off his shoulders, off his chest. Like he could breathe , because Eren was here and he was okay .

Levi almost slipped in a pool of blood trying to get to Eren. Everything in his mind was screaming, ‘he’s safe, he’s mine, he’s okay, he’s safe,’ as Levi was finally wrapped in Eren’s arms, in his warmth and in his scent.

“Everything will be okay,” Eren had said with a smile as he looked down on Levi, “It will, now that we’re together, we’ll be okay and we’ll get out of here and everything will be fine.”

And Levi had taken Eren’s hand and begun to follow Hange toward the nearest exit when they heard a gunshot.

Closer than the others.

Too close.

Almost as if —

*

They arrive at their destination. The building is white and majestic and covered in the afternoon sun. The light shining through the bright green leaves on the spring trees and all Levi can think is, ‘ Eren will love this ’.

Eren, in his white suit and his combed hair, under the bright spring sun. 

Erwin was right, it’s the perfect day to do this.

It is the kind of day that makes one believe in hope. 

They begin walking up the church steps slowly. Hange clutches Levi’s arm like she’s afraid she’ll fall over without him to hold onto. She has to walk faster to match Levi’s steps because Levi’s almost running. He needs to see Eren. He needs to tell Eren he loves him, that he’s going to keep him safe. Levi wants to tell Eren that he’ll never lose him, not ever again. That they can have forever, a happily ever after, this time. 

Don’t they deserve that? Inside the bright white church Levi hears a song. Eren’s favourite song , filling up the empty space in the room.

Sometimes when I look in the mirror
I still see your face resting on my shoulder

“Where’s Eren?” Levi mutters under his breath. He feels tears pricking his eyes because he needs to see him. 

And my heart beats so fast
That I start to feel alive again

Levi needs to hold his hands. 

Levi needs Eren by his side.

And the rain, it washes away all the pain
'Cause it feels like the sound of your voice

“It’s going to be a beautiful service, Levi.” Mikasa murmurs, her hand coming to rest upon Levi’s shoulders. 

And I'm comforted by the sweet smells of dew
Because the sunrise reminds me of you

Levi’s voice comes out as a whisper, because if he dares speak any louder, he’ll simply fall apart. “I know.”

*

Eren was smiling. Eren’s eyes were glossy with relief, bright with love. Levi felt dizzy from it, how much he loved Eren Yeager.

Levi couldn’t breathe under the weight of Eren’s love. 

Air returned to him in the form of a gasp, and it burned his lungs as he choked on it, as wet, hot blood hit his cheeks. Maybe it was tears. Maybe it was both.

Eren just kept smiling. Levi wasn’t even sure whether he felt it or not, but in an instant Eren’s face crumpled in sheer terror. Levi watched it all, detached from his own body. It felt distant, like a dream. Or a nightmare. Yet Levi, for a moment, remembered watching Eren die a million times.

And then Eren collapsed. 

Levi couldn’t catch him in time. 

Levi doesn’t remember screaming his name, only holding him in his arms.

He almost wouldn’t let them take Eren away.

If Eren dies, I want to die too. I want to die in his arms. Our souls cannot be dissevered, the angels cannot separate us, not again.

There was so much I wanted to say —

Eren’s eyes were an ocean below an apocalyptic sunset. His tears sparkled like dead stars.

“Levi…” Eren rasped. “Don’t cry.”

Levi held onto him tight. No one could take Eren from his arms, never again. 

It felt like Levi’s heartbeat was screaming and Eren’s was barely whispering and Levi’s arms wound tighter around him, almost crushing the frail life from him—

But he could not — cannot — lose Eren—

Levi cannot stand once again being left covered in Eren’s blood. 

He does not remember if he ever stopped screaming. 

*

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…”

The priest can’t even finish his sentence before Carla bursts into sobs. Levi stares into Eren’s eyes. His bright, happy, wonderful eyes. Eyes that have inspired songs and poems. Eyes that Levi has gazed into and seen eternity inside. Eyes that Levi found love in, finally. 

Eyes Levi never wanted to see close.

And I'll always find you again and again
And I'll love every version of you

“We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Eren Yeager.”

And you're never truly gone
As long as a part of you in me lives on

Now Eren’s eyes stare back at him from a picture, forever happy, forever bright. His eyes are a limitless ocean Levi can no longer touch. 

Levi is drowning in an ocean of his own tears, when all he wants is to wake up every day and drown in Eren’s ocean eyes.

He feels sick, he’s found Eren but he’s only found a shadow. Levi has found Eren but only his body, not his soul. Eren’s soul has departed from his yet again and Levi is doomed to wander a thousand years without him. Levi is doomed to darkness without his light. 

'Cause I'll always find you again and again
And I'll lose you every time

If Levi pretends, it only looks like Eren’s sleeping. 

But my love, I will hold you close to me
'Til you fade from my arms peacefully

So he does.

Chapter Text

Levi never thought he would have to say goodbye to Eren again. He doesn’t know where that thought comes from — only that it feels like he’s mourned his love a million times. He’s always been so scared. Of what, he was never sure. And now he knows it was this. It was always this.

Having what he yearned for so desperately, only to have it dissolve through his fingers like smoke.

Carla had asked him if he wished to speak, to give a eulogy, but Levi had declined. He hadn’t known what to say. How he could say anything without breaking down into tears. Hange pats him on the back and asks if he wants a cigarette but Levi dismisses her. They both always smoke in times of stress, but now she recognizes that he needs to be alone.

It’s how he always ends up, isn’t it?

Levi sinks to his knees, his hand hovering over the mound of fresh dirt before he sinks his fingers in. As if he could touch Eren, one last time.

“Hey, brat,” Levi murmurs, his voice catching. Fuck, he can’t believe it. It still feels as if Eren’s sitting next to him. He feels the phantom warmth of Eren’s body, hears the ghost of his laughter. “I miss you.”

The wind whistles past him. 

The clouds seem to drift across the sky in slow motion.

Two birds fly overhead. 

And Levi hears a song in his heart.

Oh, hard to believe
It's said and done, hard to believe
It's not dead and gone
I want to believe
All is well that ends well
But I just can't convince myself

“I’m sorry,” Levi whispers, feeling the first tear fall, “I’m so sorry. I — I failed you. Again. It seems like I’m always failing you, aren’t I? I can never get it right. I can never have you. And it feels like all I’ve ever wanted. All I’ve ever needed is you, Eren.” Levi swallows past the lump in his throat. “...It was you. It was always you.”

“I’ll love you forever.” Levi hears Eren whispering in a memory. But when did he say that? Levi can’t exactly remember, but he knows it’s true. 

Knows in his heart that Eren has said those words before. Just like he knows that he once said that no one would miss him, to which the Eren in his memory had gaped at him like a fish out of water, ‘ I would, ’ Eren had said, ‘ I would miss you .’

But that can’t be a true memory, because Levi knows Hange would miss him. 

He feels the memory with every bit of his soul but he can’t pinpoint when it happened, can’t see the scene in his head, but he hears the voices, the emotions fill up his body like a warm blanket on a cold winter night.

Maybe there is such a thing as reincarnation.

“Why can’t we ever have forever?”

Can't touch the stars, or make them shine
Fight the tide, until the day we die
Can't touch the stars, can't make them shine
But you know I'll try

It hurts, hurts like drowning. It hurts like death , but worse. Levi wants to shout, to scream to the heavens ‘ he’s mine, you can’t have him ’ . The angels always take Eren too soon.

Always too soon.

They never have enough time together.

For you I’ll try

“How can I live without you?” Levi asks, brokenly. He doesn’t know. “How can I live without your laugh? Your smile? How can I live without your shitty jokes and your random fucking facts and the way your ears turn red when you’re embarrassed? How can I — how can I live without my heart, Eren? It’s yours , remember?”

How can he endure this empty life without a heart? Levi feels his absence as keenly as a phantom limb. But he knows he’ll live because Eren would want him to. Levi will survive, because that’s what he’s always done, but he’d hardly call that living. 

Surviving with this hollow space in his chest where his heart should be can not be called ‘ living ’.

But he’ll wake up early in the morning, go to work, write romance for those unlike Levi who's lost his chance again, go home to his empty house filled with echoes of laughter and love, and fall asleep alone. Only alone.

Who is he supposed to write songs for now?

Who will listen?

Who can Levi sing to who isn’t millions of miles away?

“Where are you?” Levi whispers to the cloud-free sky before he looks down onto the fresh dirt.

“I would give my life for yours in a heartbeat,” Levi tells him, tears falling freely now. “I don’t know what it is, Eren, but it feels like I’ve loved you for a million years. I can’t be the only one who feels that way. Don’t you feel it too?”

I will never love again. Levi knows this is true. If Levi had a second chance he’d take that bullet for Eren. He’d die in his arms. No , Levi would have pushed him away. He would have killed that bastard first. 

Levi would have done anything to keep Eren. Anything. 

His heart aches with a wound that will never heal. 

“Eren, please,” Levi whispers, his voice strangled. He feels a hot tear track down his face. The memories they shared, the too few memories they shared, are playing like a sick mobius film strip on repeat in his head. Eren and his touch. Eren and his lips. Eren and his goodness , his sweet, soft eyes, Eren and the light he always brought with him. 

Levi plucks a small flower from the grass, and rolls it around in his fingers. “I miss you,” he says, simply, and his hand covers his mouth to muffle his sobs. 

He has so many regrets. Too many to count. Levi never wanted to regret anything in this life, because it’s pointless to regret damage that cannot be undone. But he regrets not taking Eren into his arms and never letting him go. Levi regrets not holding onto his hand tight enough, he regrets not running, he regrets—

Levi wishes more than anything he could regret meeting Eren, loving him, but that’s impossible. Despite this pain — this unbearable agony — Levi could never regret meeting and loving the one person who ever truly made him feel whole. He could never forget knowing Eren Yeager, if only for the briefest time. 

It can’t be over. Levi cries until he has no more tears to shed. 

“I will find you, one day,” Levi whispers, resolved. He doesn’t know what that means — maybe he’s already mad with grief — but he knows it’s true. “I’ll find you, no matter what.”

One day we will burn like stars, forever.

“Levi?” Hange calls somewhere behind him. Levi hastily wipes his eyes. “Are you ready to leave?”

No. He’s not. He never will be. 

But Eren would want him to. Levi can feel the ghost of Eren’s hand in his, pulling him to his feet. He can imagine his sad smile and dark eyes, scarred and haunted, whispering consolation and love as he pressed his lips to his cheek.

“I want you to live a long and happy life, my love. I want you to see the world. For me, please.”

Levi won’t break this silent promise to Eren. He only hopes Eren, wherever he is, can hear him.

“I’m coming,” Levi says, sounding ruined, but Hange nods, wisely doesn’t comment. Levi will never be ready to walk away from Eren, but their time has come to part.

With the sun shining over Eren’s tombstone, Levi almost believes in something called soulmates. He turns, leaving a single small calla lily on top of Eren’s grave as he walks back down the hill. 

Somehow, when Levi had to choose what type of flower he wanted to leave with Eren, he picked a calla lily. It symbolises rebirth and Levi, in his heart, felt like that was a better ending for Eren than just… the end , full stop. 

Eren’s life can’t just end with a full stop, Levi wants there to be a comma or an em-dash or anything but a period.

Levi knows he’s being unrealistic, but he can’t help but have hope that maybe, maybe there is a chance that this isn’t goodbye.

Maybe they could still have fate on their side.

“See you later… Eren.”