Archive of Our Own ^beta

A man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 19th of October, is about to be absolutely fucking incredible. Though it was 25 years, 10 months, and 26 days ago he was given life, it was only 13 years, 6 months, and 6 days ago that he was given a name. You could try to guess his name, and if you were right, he might nod ever so slightly. That’s a cool dude’s way of letting you know there might just be hope for you yet.

Your name is DAVE. It is a SEASONABLY COOL October day. Your BEDROOM WINDOW is open to let some air in, and your FAN is cranked. Arguably more cranked would be your LOVE for your BOYFRIEND, evidenced by the many SHITTY PICTURES, but on this very day no such thing exists. For in the ALL-CONSUMING CONFLICT that is about to begin, he is going to be your GREATEST ENEMY. This is a fight for TRUE HONOR and EPIC STUNTS, both things you care about immensely as a cool dude. But what could drive such a SCHNASTY WEDGE between two loving homies?

It’s simple.

Today is the beginning of the EARTH C ULTIMATE BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT. It is ULTIMATE because, as the GODS THEMSELVES (of which you are one) intended for this most EPIC SPORT, this shit is for ALL THE MARBLES. You aren’t even sure what that means yourself, but you sure as hell aren’t gonna let that stop you from dunking the hell out of some DOPESICK BASKETS. In the creation of the MOST RIGHTEOUS BALLING TEAMS you have been separated from your beloved broski KARKAT, but this only bothered you for the THIRTY-TWO SECONDS between hearing the news and being handed a basketball. It is no bother at all in any case, as you will simply DUNK HEAVILY upon the opposing team’s DORKED-UP ASSES and be crowned KING OF ALL BASKETS - something which he, famously known for loving sports and entertainment, will surely appreciate.

You descend from your bedroom space, sizing up the living room with caution. You never know when a murderous BASKETBALL ASSASSIN, also known as BASKETSASSINS - wait, is it BASSASSINS? BASKASSINS, maybe? You ponder this for a few minutes before deciding the original might have sounded cooler anyway. These so-called BALLASSINS (?) are liable to appear at any time, ready and willing to drop an ILL DUNK on your UNASSUMING ASS. You’ve never actually seen an ASSASSKETBALL (holy shit that’s the one) in the flesh, but you can only assume they’re very real - and besides, they would probably be UNFEELING ROBOTS and as such have no flesh. You consider perhaps asking your brother DIRK about the matter of ill-intentioned DUNKSKETBOTS, and maybe even asking him to make you your own ARMY OF AUTOBALLERS. Pondering this for a moment, you can practically hear his response already.

DIRK: Hey, are you ready yet?

You were thinking somewhere more along the lines of “No.” This unintended outcome is likely because that was not your imagined response: he is just speaking to you normally. You had nearly forgotten that he was here to accompany you to the BIG GAME - he’s on your team, after all.

DAVE: yeah yeah im comin
DIRK: Good. We don’t have a lot of time.
DAVE: hold on real quick
DAVE: how pissed do you think karkat would get
DIRK: Unimaginably.
DAVE: i didnt even finish my sentence man cmon
DIRK: You’re acting like I’m wrong.
DAVE: harsh but fair
DAVE: anyway how pissed would he be if i took our ball and used it
DIRK: Your ball? You mean… the One?
DAVE: correct sir
DAVE: our very own thresh prince themed basketball
DAVE: signed by troll will smith himself

You stare at it longingly. It sits in a thick BULLETPROOF GLASS CASE above your LOVELY FIREPLACE, mounted snugly between framed pictures of your friends and family as if the ball itself was one of them.

DIRK: On the one hand, I think it would ruin your marriage.
DAVE: not even married yet
DIRK: Preemptively.
DIRK: On the other hand, it would be one of the funniest things.
DIRK: Period. No other qualifiers. It simply would be.
DIRK: However, it’s far too early for this.

Putting his arm around your shoulder, DIRK guides you away from the ball and towards the door. As you start to walk, he uses his other hand to make a BROAD SWEEPING GESTURE, indicating that you’re in for one hell of a word journey that won’t stop until its point is made.

DIRK: Imagine: it’s the final stage of the final game.
DIRK: The only two players left on the field: you and Karkat.
DAVE: only two left?
DAVE: did everyone else just fuckin die
DIRK: Not impossible.
DIRK: But it’s just you and him on the field.
DIRK: The buzzer sounds.
DIRK: It’s the fourth quarter.
DIRK: This is it.
DIRK: This is the game to end all games.
DIRK: Just the two of you, one on one.
DIRK: And then he sees the ball.
DIRK: One of his most beloved possessions.
DIRK: In the hands of his most beloved individual.

You look at DIRK. He looks at you. Through two layers of SLICK SHADES, you see perfectly eye to eye.

DAVE: oh its so beautiful
DAVE: its in my suave ass hands shining in the light of the court
DAVE: troll will smiths signature perfectly visible on its surface
DAVE: cleaned so hard karkat can see his own cute ass face in it
DAVE: and maybe even into his future
DAVE: in which hes getting dunked on with this very fucking ball
DAVE: probably signed by the star of thresh prince himself
DIRK: Probably?
DAVE: dude t.w.s. lived on alternia the odds of him being alive still are like zero to a bajillion
DIRK: Very precise odds.
DIRK: But yes, you understand my vision.
DAVE: yes thank you
DAVE: hell be so fucking flabberghasted it would make slimer slime
DIRK: What is slime being used as a replacement for here?
DAVE: thats for you to decide my friend
DAVE: slime is multipurpose
DIRK: Let’s table this part of the conversation.
DAVE: hey real quick though
DIRK: Yes?
DAVE: how would you feel about making me some basketball robots

The battlefield stands before you. Constructed in a matter of days by you and your friends, it is a true work of art. Towering, glorious. A shining bastion of the ART OF THE BALL, a symbol of hope and love between humans, trolls, and carapacians across all of Earth C. It is the linchpin in the very fabric of reality itself, a universal anchor that centers all existence around its incomprehensible might. It was also accidentally built about TWO TIMES AS LARGE as it actually should have been - partially due to the imagined grandeur of the sport by all involved. Fortunately, your second closest homie JADE is very good at fixing this sort of thing, so the GIANT STADIUM is now a REGULAR STADIUM. Together with your brother, the two of you approach its western end, where a crowd of ADORING FANS(an already quite large group due to your immense creative talent - the SWEET FILM AND HELLA MOVIE 5 is to be in theaters this coming weekend) is awaiting you.

You must soon enter the locker room to don your CEREMONIOUS B-BALL GARB in preparation for the FIRST BIG GAME. You have been waiting for this moment for A FEW DAYS AT LEAST, so there is absolutely no time to lose. Meanwhile, in a nearby locker room of similarly dope caliber, your dearest sister is having some UNFORTUNATE PROBLEMS - all of which you are entirely oblivious to at this moment.

ROSE: Hold on, this… Really?
ROSE: Who let him write this contract?

Your name is ROSE. You are sitting in a LOCKER ROOM, dramatically lit by admittedly undramatic DOPE BASKETBALL-SHAPED LAMPS. (You do not consider them dope. They are named that way.) Before you is a spread of IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS, signed by just about everyone you know in preparation for the imminent basketball tournament. It was a rather hasty production, having been assembled in only a few days by the best and brightest of Earth C’s god-tier creators, and also JAKE ENGLISH, who you suspect authored this particular contract due to the inclusion of a quite unfortunate number of immensely outdated expressions and bizarre figures. Intrigued by your perplexion, your close relative ROXY chimes in.

ROXY: whats wrong??
ROSE: I’ve found a few errors in these little papers we signed.
ROXY: lol
ROXY: how bad
ROSE: The contract on its own? Fine.
ROSE: But including the full legal details that are written here - and that I’m betting very few of us read?
ROSE: It’s all sorts of shit.
ROSE: As you may know, our good friend mister English is perhaps not the best with modern calculations.
ROSE: In this case, especially so regarding… the economy.
ROXY: oh my god
ROXY: did he do an austin powers???
ROSE: What is that? I’m unfamiliar.
ROXY: ok its an old movie
ROXY: so theres this guy dr evil
ROXY: and he gets frozen in the past for thirty years
ROSE: As one does.
ROXY: so when he comes back the economy is waaay different
ROXY: so as part of his evil scheme hes like i want “one MILLION dollars”
ROXY: unaware that thats chump change nowadays
ROSE: I see.
ROSE: It is just about the opposite.
ROSE: He appears to have added a few extra zeros to the competition’s monetary reward.
ROSE: In short, the winner of this basketball tournament wins about one quattuordecillion dollars.
ROXY: no habla espanol
ROSE: One billion is ten to the ninth power, so it has nine zeros.
ROSE: This is ten to the forty-fifth power, so it has forty-five zeros.
ROSE: Equals a billion to the fifth power.
ROSE: More money than literally any human being in any universe has ever had.
ROSE: Except for maybe Dave.
ROXY: so its ok then right?
ROXY: cause no one has that kinda money
ROSE: It is stipulated in this contract that the losing team must “pay up all the bucks” - sic - out of their own funds.
ROXY: uh oh
ROSE: Currently, if we lose, we owe the other team one fucking quattuordecillion dollars.
ROSE: One zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero.
ROXY: lmao
ROXY: can we just… not do that?
ROSE: Well, sure.
ROSE: Not like we’re coming up with that much cash any time soon.
ROSE: But, as it’s written, it stipulates that if you can’t pay that sum in money, you can pay in other ways…
ROSE: In short, using your possessions as collateral.
ROXY: MY STUFF!!!!!
ROSE: Quite.
ROSE: You know what this would include, yes?
ROXY: uh
ROXY: my house?
ROSE: Close, but go bigger.
ROXY: uh
ROXY: my planet?
ROSE: You’re almost there.
ROXY: wh
ROXY: no fuckin way
ROSE: Look, if I’m reading this right - and I am - n lieu of cash, we will end up owing the winning team…
ROSE: The entire fucking universe.
ROSE: The whole goddamn frog.
ROXY: BLUH
ROXY: can we quit??
ROSE: It’s legally binding.
ROSE: Says it right here:
ROSE: “If you want out, too bad! You’re shit outta luck, buckeroo!”
ROSE: Did NOBODY proofread this?
ARADIA: i did!!

You look up from the INCREDIBLY CONFUSING HANDIWORK of an ADVENTUROUS CAPITALIST to see one of your few other teammates, ARADIA, has entered the locker room.

ROSE: And you told no one?
ARADIA: i thought it was funny!
ROXY: tbf it is
ARADIA: also im a big fan of zeros 0v0
ROSE: Do you have one billion billion billion billion billion of them?
ARADIA: in my heart yes!
ARADIA: in my money no
ROSE: Excellent.
ARADIA: also i did tell someone
ROSE: Who?
ARADIA: sollux duh!
ROSE: Right.
ROSE: That two-timing boyfriend of yours.
ROXY: WHAT!!!
ROXY: DID HE CHEAT ON U?!?!
ROSE: Not in that sense.
ROSE: If you’ll recall, we divided ourselves into these teams based on the dreaming moons we visited while playing SBURB and SGRUB.
ROSE: Creating the Derse Slammers and the Prospit Setters.
ROSE: However, due to some loophole that I don’t quite understand, Sollux had a dream self on both moons.
ROSE: We weren’t quite sure how to manage it, so…
ARADIA: hehe yeah hes on both teams now
ROXY: what.
ROXY: like, at the same time???
ARADIA: legally yes
ARADIA: but physically no theres just the one at the moment!
ARADIA: hes been showing up to practice for both teams though 0.0
ROXY: so hes like a double agent kinda!
ROSE: That implies he’s secretly working for us.
ROSE: I fully believe he is genuinely playing on both teams.
ARADIA: yeah sorry hes been taking it very seriously 0n0
ARADIA: he wont tell me anything about the other team!
ROSE: Of course he won’t.
ROSE: That would be too convenient.
ROSE: We still know next to nothing about their basketball skills.
ROSE: Which is unfortunate, given if we lose…
ARADIA: we owe them a whole lotta doubloons! 0u0
ROXY: aye matey that we do

You sigh, considering that perhaps your POOR TEAMMATES are failing to take in the GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION. Though it is an incredibly silly thing to get so fixed on in the first place, it would not be the first time JAKE asked for an ABSURD SUM OF CASH entirely by accident - and the last time it happened, he ended up getting it. You still shudder in SHEER TERROR any time you think about THE LAWSUIT - you can hardly stand to look at a sandwich anymore without feeling slightly nauseous.

ARADIA: why cant we just talk to jake about it though?
ARADIA: im sure hed be willing to listen!
ARADIA: its not like hes that serious about it right?
ROXY: oh no knowing jake this is like the word of god to him now
ROXY: hes a rambunctious and silly little lad sure
ROXY: but hes very serious about gentlemanly things like this
ROXY: signed contracts
ROXY: high octane sports
ROXY: ball related affairs
ROSE: Nice.
ARADIA: nice
ROXY: thank u ladies
ROXY: but its only a problem because he wrote it
ROXY: so its almost guaranteed to be fucked up wordwise
ROXY: hundo percent chance of interpretative disaster
ROSE: He uses the phrase “by golly!” at least twice per page.
ROSE: This is a seven-page document.
ARADIA: i see
ARADIA: but like he can change it cant he?
ARADIA: if we just reason with him before the tournament ends
ARADIA: then itll be okay right?
ROSE: That is the issue.
ROSE: On the third page, it outlines relations between players.
ROSE: Specifically, cross-team communications.
ROSE: Let’s see… Right.
ROSE: “Participants on each team of the great sport can not talk to one another unless it is a bit of slappy banter out on the court! No jib-jabbing to the wrong folks while your hiney is on the bench, and especially no flapping your maw after the game wraps up nice and tidy! Chatting with the other team’s ladies and gents will get you canned quick, and, by golly, if your loose lips spill away your troupe’s secrets you will be hit with a forfeit harder than a conk on the noggin!”
ROXY: what the fuck
ROXY: did he actually write it like that
ROSE: I read nothing but the words on the page.
ARADIA: so we cant talk to someone on their team right
ROSE: Yes, which makes it hard to negotiate with him.
ROSE: Given he’s on the wrong side of the court.
ARADIA: does it say anything about our players?
ROXY: what r u thinkin
ARADIA: well we can talk to anyone on our team of course
ROSE: Of course.
ARADIA: so if we wanna talk to someone on their team
ARADIA: we just gotta talk to someone whos on both!
ROSE: I see.
ROSE: Perhaps Sollux’s ridiculous situation might actually pay off.
ROSE: Where is he at the moment?

Thinking for a moment, ARADIA shrugs. She has not seen him since they arrived at the building together - the last time they spoke, he said he was going to use the restroom before joining the DERSE SLAMMERS for the first match. This was true.

Your name is SOLLUX. You are exiting the RESTBLOCK at the REGULAR STADIUM, having been escorted there by your dearest ARADIA. You parted for a moment so that you might find a LOAD GAPER to use - an escapade that took you nearly ten minutes - and now, upon its completion, you have come to the dizzying realization that you have no fucking idea where your COOL GIRLFRIEND went. Wandering around the vast concrete halls and at one point accidentally stumbling through the MUSEUM OF BASEBALL HISTORY (despite being unfamiliar with both sports, its inclusion in a stadium meant for basketball confused you greatly), you conduct a thorough and entirely unfruitful search for her. Fortunately, your sacred blind MEGIDODYSSEY is brought to an end by the arrival of a very old friend.

KARKAT: OH SHIT! THERE YOU ARE, SOLLUX!
SOLLUX: hell0 karkat.
SOLLUX: have y0u seen aradia?
KARKAT: NO, WHY WOULD I HAVE?
KARKAT: SHE’S ON THE OTHER TEAM.
SOLLUX: right. t0tally.
KARKAT: UH, YEAH.
KARKAT: YOU HAVEN’T BEEN TALKING TO HER, RIGHT?
SOLLUX: i have.
SOLLUX: is that bad?
KARKAT: FUCK!
KARKAT: DID YOU NOT READ THE CONTRACT AT ALL?
KARKAT: IT WAS VERY EXPLICIT ABOUT THIS SORT OF THING!
KARKAT: CHATTING WITH HER WILL GET YOU CANNED QUICK!
SOLLUX: what did y0u just say t0 me?
KARKAT: JAKE ENGLISH’S WORDS.
KARKAT: NOT MINE.
SOLLUX: right.
KARKAT: WELL, LOOK.
KARKAT: IT’S COOL. I WON’T TELL ANYONE.
KARKAT: DESPITE BEING PROPERLY ACQUAINTED WITH THE TERMS OF SERVICE.
SOLLUX: isn’t y0ur b0yfriend 0n the 0ther team?
KARKAT: AND I HAVEN’T SPOKEN TO HIM SINCE WE SIGNED THE CONTRACT.
KARKAT: I’M A TROLL OF MY WORD.
SOLLUX: w0w. harsh.
KARKAT: WHATEVER.
KARKAT: COME ON. LET’S GET TO THE LOCKER ROOMS.
SOLLUX: well, uh-
KARKAT: SHUT UP.
KARKAT: THE GAME’S IN HALF AN HOUR. LET’S GO.

Taking you by the frond, KARKAT leads you away down a hall and through a door into the PROSPIT SETTERS’ LOCKER ROOM. Past this dark threshold is a vibrant aura of BASKETS, of BALLS, and RESONANT CHAOS.

JOHN: dude.
JOHN: there is no fucking way.
JAKE: Yes indeed fucking way!
JAKE: Those derse fellows are conspiring against our team in order to make absolute mockeries of us!
JAKE: In defiance of our noble contract, i daresay they’ve planted a spy amongst our ranks!
JOHN: why the hell would they do so much for a basketball game?
JAKE: So they can steal that reward right out from under our bums!
JAKE: This tournament is worth a solid billion dollars, as I wrote myself!
JOHN: that’s not that much money.
JOHN: i think jane’s company makes at LEAST that much in a year or two.
JAKE: I dont know about that one.
JOHN: well, i won’t pretend to know what she actually does.
JOHN: but do you actually have any proof that they’ve got a, uh, spy?
JAKE: I do!
JAKE: Put your peepers on this one!

From his pocket, JAKE produces a DUBIOUS PHOTOGRAPH. You and KARKAT are standing near the door still - the both of you are terrified that somehow Jake has discovered the CONTRACTUALLY ILLEGAL RELATIONS between yourself and ARADIA. Across the room, JOHN apprehensively peeps the ‘GRAPH.

JOHN: it’s… terezi?
JOHN: what’s weird about this?

A tidal wave of TOTAL RELIEF passes through the room as you and KARKAT let out a HEAVY SIGH, making the two HUMAN GOOFSHITS aware of your presence. The two of you approach to participate in this shitty little viewing party, but you withdraw as you realize you can’t see it anyway.

JAKE: Ahoy!
JAKE: You two get over here!
JAKE: Look at this *uniform*!
KARKAT: THAT IS...
JOHN: a derse slammers uniform.
JOHN: hm.
SOLLUX: an0ther d0uble agent?
JOHN: what?
JAKE: What?
KARKAT: WHAT?
SOLLUX: s0, terezi, huh?
JOHN: when did you take this?
JAKE: At practice a few days ago chap.
JAKE: She was wandering around wearing it proud!
JOHN: that is concerning.
KARKAT: HAVE YOU CONSIDERED SHE MIGHT NOT KNOW?
JOHN: wait a minute.
KARKAT: MAYBE THE UNIFORMS SMELL THE SAME.
KARKAT: SHE CAN’T TELL THEM APART BY COLOR, AFTER ALL.
SOLLUX: the unif0rms are different c0l0rs?
KARKAT: HAHAHA, GOOD ONE.
KARKAT: BUT SERIOUSLY.
JAKE: Well i cant say im particularly familiar with this terezi dame.
JAKE: Her being unable to see sure would throw a wrench in my theory.
JAKE: But i think ill keep my guard up thank you!
JAKE: You never know!
JOHN: whatever you say, captain.
KARKAT: HE’S CAPTAIN?
KARKAT: WHEN DID WE DECIDE ON THAT ONE?
JOHN: we didn’t.
JOHN: you read the contract, right?
KARKAT: IN FULL.
JOHN: every time it says jake’s name it says “captain” right before.
JOHN: and the text on the last page implies that’s not a formality.
KARKAT: THAT’S WHAT THAT MEANT? OH.
KARKAT: ALRIGHT, THEN, CAPTAIN ENGLISH.
KARKAT: WHAT’S OUR GAME PLAN HERE GONNA BE?
JAKE: Well for starters weve gotta pick whos going out on the field!
JAKE: Im thinking me first for obvious reasons.
SOLLUX: t0tally 0bvi0us.
JAKE: How about you also mister captor?

You briefly consider your allegiances. While you are part of this team, you are equally a part of the DERSE SLAMMERS. Normally you would be perfectly happy to try and participate, but the promise you made to ARADIA earlier about “playing in the first big game” with her today echoes distantly. Though she knows you’re on both, how might she react if she sees you walking out with the other team after saying that?

You have already died thrice at the very least, and you would greatly prefer not to try for four.

SOLLUX: i’d rather n0t.
SOLLUX: maybe save me f0r a later game?
SOLLUX: i appreciate the sentiment th0ugh.
JAKE: Aw come on good chap!
SOLLUX: ...n0 thanks. i’m g00d.
JAKE: Thats no fun.
JAKE: Well how about you john?
JOHN: yeah sure!
JOHN: i’ll play some ball.
JAKE: And you karkat?
KARKAT: I AM MORE PARTIAL TO THE BENCH THAN THE COURT.
KARKAT: I WILL BE OUR TEAM’S TACTICIAN.
KARKAT: DIDN’T WE PRACTICE THIS STUFF ALREADY?
JAKE: Left the book of plays at home!
JAKE: Nows not the time for plans.
JAKE: Its the time for *action*!
KARKAT: DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT SPORTS ARE?

You relax, confident that you are now safe from being TORN ASUNDER by your beloved ARCHAEOLOGIST. As the others’ ASININE SQUABBLING quickly fizzles out, they take a moment to consider which of the other half of the PROSPIT SETTERS should open up out on the court. After a bit of intense deliberation, they come to the sound conclusion that they should probably just ask them themselves. Daring to step near the DANGER ZONE - the other locker room - JAKE pushes open the door without regard for the LOSS OF LIFE AND LIMB it might cause him. Luckily for the BRAVE EXPLORER, he is met with a total vacant silence: none of the other members of their team are present. As the three others (you included) follow suit, peering into the empty room in a stunned silence, you are left to wonder where they might be.

Your name is VRISKA. It is a WONDERFULLY WARM October midday. Your RESPITEBLOCK WINDOW does not open, and yet you feel an UNUSUAL BREEZE passing through the wall of your LOVELY HIVE. Also unusual is the REVVING SOUND you hear, breaking the CALMING SILENCE and AMBIENT SPIDERSOUNDS that typically accompany your awakening from your RECUPERACOON. As you are pulled suddenly from your slumber by this chaotic noise, you realize that its absurd volume is because it is, in fact, right next to you.

KANAYA: Vriska Serket Wake The Fuck Up Right Now You Are Going To Be Late To The Basking Ball Game
VRISKA: WHAT!!!!!!!!
KANAYA: Vriska It Is Like Eleven Thirty In The Morning
KANAYA: The Big Game Starts In Half An Hour Vriska
VRISKA: OH SHIT WE’RE GOING TO 8E L8????????
KANAYA: Yes I Just Said That Get Out Of Your God Damn Cocoon Please
VRISKA: W8.
VRISKA: WHY ARE YOU HOLD8NG A CH8INSAW????????
KANAYA: Front Door Was Locked

Shaking away the drowsiness, you take a quick sweep of the room: three out of four walls are still structurally intact. The POOR FOURTH WALL appears to have been split open through CHAINSAW-RELATED MEANS OF ENTRY. It is far too early in your day to worry about the incredible levels of property damage - after all, you’re about to be late to the BIG GAME. Reaching over the edge of your once-sacred place of sleep for your GLASSES, she helpfully places them straight on your face.

VRISKA: Wh-
KANAYA: Expediting The Preparation Process

Choosing to ignore that, you climb from your pod. The FURIOUS CARETAKER hands you your PROSPIT SETTERS UNIFORM, which you quickly don while she returns her DEMONBANE RAGRIPPER to her SYLLADEX. The two of you then exit through your FREE NEW FRONT DOOR, sprinting down the street as fast as you can manage. As the brain chemicals pump through your head, you soon remember you are a GOD TIER INDIVIDUAL: instantly swapping to your SICK JAMMIES.

KANAYA: Hey
KANAYA: Hey Wait A Second
KANAYA: Vriska Hold On

You lift off from the ground and shave off at least a few minutes’ worth of running by flying straight toward the REGULAR STADIUM. You hear ANGRY SHOUTING as you do so, but you figure that KANAYA can likely make it just fine on her own.

Landing outside the edge of the stadium, you see something peculiar: your arguable friend JADE sitting against a wall, and your very close distant acquaintance JANE standing next to her. Seeing as the two haven’t noticed you yet, you decide to land on the roof above and listen to them talk from out of eyeshot.

JADE: jane i dont think i can do this!
JADE: it was hard just watching you guys practice!
JANE: Aw, don’t worry!
JANE: I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it eventually.
JANE: I was pretty bad at it too, but I got used to it!
JADE: maybe for you...
JADE: its way too hard for me!
JADE: seeing that many people pass a ball around that fast??
JADE: i get way too excited every time!!
JANE: Well, paying attention to where it’s going is important!
JANE: That’s a good skill to have, you know.
JADE: were you there when i tried to play?
JANE: No, I believe I had to leave early to attend a meeting.
JANE: Was it really that bad?
JADE: we started the game with twelve balls.
JADE: i popped thirteen. :(
JANE: Where did the...
JADE: kanaya went and bought an extra one.
JANE: Oh, dear, I’m sorry.
JANE: I thought you were in control of all this dog stuff.
JADE: well i am!!
JADE: but uh not this i guess!
JADE: it happened every single time jane.
JADE: we even took a break from my practice catching.
JADE: i still tried to catch it in my mouth!!
JANE: And did you...
JADE: i succeeded... :(
JANE: I see the problem.
JANE: I think I was right: this will take time to get used to!
JANE: You don’t have to participate in this first game.
JADE: but its the big game!!
JADE: wont they be disappointed?
JANE: I think they would all be fine.
JANE: Everyone will understand, don’t worry!
JANE: And I think they’d be more disappointed if they didn’t have a ball because you tried before you were ready!
JADE: okay!!
JADE: thank you jane.
JADE: that feels a bit better. i can do this eventually!

Seeing the two of them stand up after that PROPERLY MOTIVATING CHAT, you take the opportunity to lean over the roof and deposit your WHOLE LOT OF CENTS on the matter.

VRISKA: L8me!!!!!!!!
JANE: What?
JANE: How long have you been up there?
VRISKA: Don’t worry a8out it.
VRISKA: You don’t have to care a8out that shit dude!
JADE: what?
VRISKA: Pop the hell out of those 8alls!
VRISKA: That’s COOL!!!!!!!!
JADE: ...but that means they cant play.
VRISKA: It means we can’t pl8y.
VRISKA: 8ut that means we can’t LOSE.
VRISKA: And if the other team can’t pl8y...
VRISKA: They can’t WIN, either!!!!!!!!
JANE: I don’t think that’s allowed.
JANE: Feels like it shouldn’t be.
JADE: yeah i dont think thats okay.
JADE: wouldnt we get disqualified?
VRISKA: Not if you’re sneaky a8out it.
JADE: a bit hard for me to do that at the moment...
JADE: i dont think i can really bite stuff sneakily.
JANE: ...You shouldn’t!
VRISKA: You’ll need some practice.
VRISKA: You should pro8a8ly sit this one out anyway.
VRISKA: You haven’t had a chance to hone your skills.
JANE: Well, that much is true.
VRISKA: And your CLAWS!!!!!!!!
JADE: yeah!!!!
JADE: wait, i dont have those.
VRISKA: Oh. Really?
JADE: yeah.
JADE: its mostly just the ears and the tail.
VRISKA: How did you pop the 8alls then?
JADE: oh just my teeth!
JADE: most people can do that i think.
JANE: That’s definitely not true.
JADE: okay so apparently the teeth also.
VRISKA: In that case, you haven’t had a chance to...
VRISKA: Hone your TEETH????????
JANE: Not how that works.
VRISKA: 8rush?
JANE: Also wrong.
VRISKA: Well how do your 8ark8easts prepare themselves for 8attle?
JADE: guys i think we should probably go?
KANAYA: Yes Yes We Fucking Should

Having provided her enough time with your misguided stalling for her to angrily stomp all the way to the stadium, KANAYA motions for the two of them to follow her inside. You do as well - she didn’t gesture to you at all, but the PIERCING LOOK she gave you might as well have grabbed your CONDITIONALLY IMMORTAL SOUL right out of your body. Changing back into your PROSPIT SETTERS uniform as you enter the building, the four of you approach the changing room.

VRISKA: Okay, what now?

Your dear friends JOHN, KARKAT, and SOLLUX are all staring straight at the OPEN DOOR into your half of the team’s locker rooms, through which you can see your acquaintance JAKE standing inside looking about as bumbling and confused as most of the times you’ve seen him.

JAKE: Ah just the ladies we were looking for!
JAKE: We were wondering what had happened to you all.
JAKE: Where have you folks been?
JAKE: Its nearly time for some ball!
VRISKA: Sleeping.
KANAYA: Retrieving The Sleeping One
JANE: Oh, I was just nearby!
JADE: ball?
JAKE: Yes ball indeed!
JAKE: The game is starting soon!
JAKE: Everyone but miss snazzy spider here get your uniforms on!

The look you give him is charged with enough rage and confusion to power the entirety of Earth C for a year. He does not notice. JADE and JANE politely step past their relative, leaving him in place for him to be violently thrown through the doorway by KANAYA, who has had just about enough charming goofiness for today. As the rest of the men retreat back into their locker room, you are pulled aside momentarily by one of your closest friends for a quick chat.

JOHN: hey, uh, vriska?
VRISKA: Yes, John?
JOHN: where, um.
JOHN: where is terezi?
VRISKA: Terezi?
VRISKA: Oh, she’s...
VRISKA: F8CK!!!!!!!!
JOHN: so i take it she isn’t here.
VRISKA: That would 8e correct.
JOHN: do you know where she is?
VRISKA: I do not.
JOHN: and how is that?
VRISKA: Look, last time we talked, she was on her way to my hive.
VRISKA: 8ut as Kanaya likely discovered, she isn’t th8re.
JOHN: what’s up with kanaya?
JOHN: she looked mad.
VRISKA: Woke up l8.
VRISKA: She carved me a new 8edroom door.
JOHN: the usual.
VRISKA: The usual.
VRISKA: 8ut if you wanna find Terezi, we should pro8a8ly do it l8r.
VRISKA: Lord knows where she’s at now.
JOHN: huh. i wonder...

Nope. It’s time for the BIG GAME. Your AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS are disturbed by the sound of a rambunctious BASKETBALL HORN, close genetic relative to the REGULAR HORN. As you hear the rest of your teammates all ready for action, you rush through the locker room and out towards the court, and JOHN splits off to do just the same.

In the light of the REGULAR STADIUM, two teams gather for the first of many face-offs. The PROSPIT SETTERS and the DERSE SLAMMERS both huddle on their respective side of the court, the SEAT-FILLING CROWD watching with immense anticipation. The event was only announced the day before, and yet droves of humans, trolls, and carapacians alike have flocked to see the beginning of the ultimate clash. The EPIC DUNK-OFF that was about to unfold would be spoken about for generations yet, and the SLAM SESSIONS to follow would be spoken about for twice or thrice as long as that, at the VERY LEAST.

JAKE: Alright ladies and gents lets have a good clean game!
JAKE: Our main goal is to have fun.
JAKE: Remember that!
KARKAT: IF I MAY?
KARKAT: OUR MAIN GOAL IS TO WIN.
KARKAT: HE MAY BE CAPTAIN, BUT I’M YOUR COACH.
JOHN: you are?
KARKAT: I AM NOW.
KARKAT: SO LET’S HAVE A GAME.
KARKAT: NOT A GOOD ONE. NOT A CLEAN ONE.
KARKAT: LET’S DO WHATEVER THE FUCK IT TAKES.
JAKE: Well fair enough i suppose.
JAKE: Lets get ready now!
JAKE: Were starting with...
JAKE: Me john vriska kanaya jane!
JOHN: alright then.
VRISKA: Let’s do it.
KANAYA: This Will Be Fun
JANE: Yes captain!
KARKAT: AND REMEMBER. YOU HAVE ONE GOAL.
KARKAT: KICK THEIR SPINAL CREVICES.
JOHN: their butts. just say that.
KARKAT: NO.
JADE: youve got this guys!!
JADE: i believe in you!
SOLLUX: yes.
SOLLUX: y0u are surely c0mpetent en0ugh t0 win this game.
JOHN: aw, thanks.
SOLLUX: if y0u say s0.
KARKAT: SHUT UP AND GO!

DAVE: okay folks lets get this shit going
DAVE: is everyone here and ready to go
ROXY: u betcha davey
DIRK: Affirmative.
ROSE: I have a few questions.
DAVE: you get one before we gotta move on
ROSE: What’s our strategy here?
DAVE: sorry not enough time for that one sis whos next
ARADIA: i am here! 0u0
ROXY: how are u makin those emojis out loud??
ARADIA: ill tell you later! 0^0
ROXY: kay
DIRK: Is this all of us?
DIRK: At a rough glance, they have three more players than we do.
DAVE: some of our beautiful homies couldnt make it yet
DAVE: the teams are evenly balanced we worked it out dont worry
DAVE: thats okay though we got all the skill we need here
DAVE: also hey what the hell aint that one of our guys
ARADIA: oh god dammit thats where sollux went!
ARADIA: it better not have been on purpose.
ROSE: I doubt it.
DAVE: is he just supposed to be over there
DIRK: He’s on both teams at the same time.
DIRK: Due to having two dream selves on both Prospit and Derse.
DIRK: It was the best answer given our method of team assembly.
DAVE: so hes just fuckin on both teams?
ROXY: yea p much
DAVE: well aight shit i didnt know you could do that
DAVE: anyway lets go dunk on these nerds

The first game in the EARTH C ULTIMATE BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT begins, and the crowd is bristling with excitement. The lights dim on the stands, and all eyes turn towards the court as all ten players approach its very center. Dropped at the center of the court, the nearest players on both teams scramble for the ball. One triumphs, and DAVE STRIDER gains control: standing at odds with his oldest friend, JOHN EGBERT, his thick shades hide an intensity few can ever claim to have seen from the KNIGHT OF TIME - he is not within even the remotest proximity of fucking around. The other players scatter about, spacing themselves in the best formation they can manage, all while trying to match the other team’s advances. Twisting his whole body right, his arms rocket the ball out of his hands and through the air, caught in the firm grip of his older brother. The PRINCE OF HEART puts ball to floor and glides across the court, dribbling between his foes with the grace of a hundred sports ANIMÉ PROTAGONISTS. He is met by the imposing figure like that of the DOLOROSA, the MARYAM’s body GLITTERING WHITE in the harsh light of the court. The SECOND STRIDER weaves in the other direction - as the RAINBOW DRINKER attempts to pursue, she finds her passage blocked by a considerably smaller figure: her WIFE.

KANAYA: Hello Rose My Love
ROSE: Get dunked on, darling.

Behind her, DIRK ducks away and pulls himself back, focusing his energy. Even as the PAGE OF HOPE moves in to try and stop him, it is far too late: his lanky form springs upwards, his arms carrying the SACRED ORB in a perfect motion from chest to sky to hoop. It is a momentous occasion, this: EARTH C’s first ever FUCKING AWESOME DUNK. It will be in every history book to come: DIRK STRIDER slamming the ball into the hoop with impressive strength. DAVE STRIDER watching coolly with a sense of approval. KANAYA MARYAM and ROSE LALONDE staring at each other in the heat of the game. JAKE ENGLISH blocking JOHN EGBERT’s path despite being on the same team. ARADIA MEGIDO and VRISKA SERKET having a pleasant chat beneath the opposite hoop. JANE CROCKER attempting to appear dignified in the inevitable photographs of the historical moment, and ROXY LALONDE attempting to ruin any potential dignity her friend might preserve. JADE HARLEY and SOLLUX CAPTOR in the stands watching eagerly on both sides of KARKAT VANTAS, who is explaining the game to them. The creators of this world, gathered here in their untold wisdom and power for one common cause: to play some fucking ball.

And by god they shall: for this dunk is not the end of an act, but the beginning. It is the first of many, and if there is mercy in this universe yet there will never be a last. It is the beginning of something really excellent.

And it is worth two points.

Your name is TEREZI. You have just stirred from the best sleep you’ve had in what must be months now - and on a HUMAN FURNITURE APPARATUS, no less. Lifting your horned head from the WEIRD FABRIC RECTANGLE, you take in your surroundings for the first time in quite a while. Prior to your INTENSE SNOOZE, you had been walking for a good long distance, after being told by your childhood gal pal VRISKA to come stay at her BODACIOUS HIVE. You eagerly accepted, though in typical PIRATE FASHION, you found her instructions frustratingly difficult to follow. You eventually stumbled across a hive that smelled similar to hers, and, assuming it was such, entered. You were entirely unfamiliar with this section of EARTH C’s geography, and as such it did cross your mind that you may have been utterly lost - but not until after the end of your rest.

The inside of this home smells like SHAVING CREAM, BURNT CAKES, OLD FABRIC, and A FRESH SPRING BREEZE. This conjures memories of a very particular shade of blue, though not the one you had originally pictured in your head. This VIVID SMELLOVISION you have conjured is suddenly broken by the intrusion of a more powerful scent - like LIME and ORANGE swirled together in a pot full of RAW MEAT and SUGAR.

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < hum de dum
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < yus
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < he forgot the house alarm this time!!
TEREZI: H3LLO D4V3P3T4
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < OH shit yo whats up terezi??
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < you here to steal from john also??
TEREZI: NO
TEREZI: ...1S TH4T WH4T YOU’R3 H3R3 TO DO?
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < you bet your tail it is!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < egbert is really good at making shit ass cake!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < fortunately im a big fan
TEREZI: OH
TEREZI: 1 S33
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < lol thought you couldnt??
TEREZI: D1CK
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < close but no actually!

True to their word, DAVEPETASPRITE^2 wanders into the LOVELY KITCHEN nearby, rummaging through the garbage and checking the oven for the remnants of the EGBERT’s handiwork. He seems to be TRULY TERRIBLE at the craft, despite his best efforts in honor of CROCKERHARLENGLISHBERT family tradition.

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < heard the big game is today
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < you goin?
TEREZI: WHUH FUCK
TEREZI: TH4T’S TOD4Y?
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < you bet
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i was supposed to be on the derse team!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < sadly for them i cant pass up on some fuckin scrumptious digs
TEREZI: SH1T M3 TOO
TEREZI: TH3 T34M TH1NG 1 M34N.
TEREZI: 1 DONT G1V3 4 SH1T 4BOUT YOUR FOOD CHO1C3S
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < miss pyrope thats the nicest thing anyones ever said to me <3
TEREZI: TH3 PROSP1T S3TT3RS 4R3 PROB4BLY FUCK1NG SN4RF1NG TOT4L GODD4MN BULG3 R1GHT NOW W1THOUT M3
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < are you that good at basketball?
TEREZI: H4H4H4H4
TEREZI: NO
TEREZI: 1M PR3TTY T3RR1BL3 4T 1T G1V3N MY COND1T1ON OF COURS3
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < of course im sorry
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < im sure youll get taller eventually!!
TEREZI: H3Y!!!!
TEREZI: UNC4LL3D FOR
TEREZI: BUT Y34H 1 PR3TTY MUCH C4N’T PL4Y LIKE AT ALL
TEREZI: 1M 3XTR3M3LY GOOD 4T B31NG MOR4L SUPPORT 4ND MOR4L OFF3NS3 HOW3V3R WH1CH 1S V3RY US3FUL
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < whats that second one?
TEREZI: 1 PR3T3ND TO B3 ON TH31R T34M 4ND S4Y M34N TH1NGS TO TH3M
TEREZI: ‘YOU C4N’T B4LL’
TEREZI: ‘MY LUSUS DR1BBLES B3TT3R TH4N TH4T’
TEREZI: ‘B4D PL4Y, 1M D1S4PPO1NT3D 1N YOU SON’
TEREZI: 3T C3T3R4
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i s33
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < that shit sounds like a truly noble art
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < does this actually work?
TEREZI: SOM3T1M3S
TEREZI: 1M 4BOUT F1FTY F1FTY FOR 4CC1D3NT4LLY DO1NG 1T TO OUR OWN T34M THOUGH
TEREZI: TH4T L4ST ON3 M4D3 3GB3RT THROW TH3 B4LL SO H4RD 1T M1GHT ST1LL B3 GO1NG

The two of you LAUGH HEARTILY. DAVEPETASPRITE^2 continues stuffing their pockets with burnt cake and assorted treasures from the ECTOBIOLOGIST’S PANTRY. As the two of you chat for a short bit more, suddenly the whole city erupts in a ROARING WAVE OF SOUND. It pulses out from the BEATING HEART OF ALL THINGS HOLY: the REGULAR STADIUM. Taken aback by the sound, you return to the living room in which you slept - DAVEPETASPRITE^2 follows and, in a stroke of genius, turns on the television that you didn’t know was there.

ANNOUNCER: H[]LY M[]LY F[]LKS THIS IS THE EVENT []F A LIFETIME!!
ANNOUNCER: IF Y[]U’RE JUST TUNING IN T[] []UR PR[]GRAM - LISTEN IN!!
ANNOUNCER: IN THE FIRST EVER EARTH C ULTIMATE BASKETBALL T[]URNAMENT GAME, THE INAUGURAL FACE-[]FF BETWEEN THE PR[]SPIT SETTERS AND THE DERSE SLAMMERS
ANNOUNCER: AND DEAR HEAVENS BEL[]W THEY’VE G[]SH DARN D[]NE IT
ANNOUNCER: THE PR[]SPIT SETTERS HAVE W[]N THE GAME!!
TEREZI: Y3333333344444444H!!!!!!!!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < oh fuck
TEREZI: TH3Y D1D 1T W1THOUT M3!!!!!!!!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < oh SHIT they lost without me
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < terezi do you think im fired
TEREZI: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i knew these cakes werent worth it
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < dave warned me about this
TEREZI: W3’R3 ON FUCK1NG TOP B4BY!!!!!!!!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < he was like “yo me you comin”
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i said “no”
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < he said “aight but you gotta do me a favor”
TEREZI: L3T’S GO!!!! PROSP1T DR34M3RS FUCK1NG RUL3!!!!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < now i have all these stupid whoopie cushions
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < im supposed to booby trap casa de egbert
TEREZI: W41T, WH4T?
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < yea its my repawment to dave for missin the big game
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < absolutely juvenile shit im a big fan really
TEREZI: H3LL Y34H, L3T’S DO IT
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < really?
TEREZI: 1 DON’T S33 WHY NOT
TEREZI: WH4T’S TH3 WORST TH4T COULD H4PP3N?

In celebration of the BIG GAME’s conclusion, you and the SQUARED SPRITE engage in an amount of MILD TOMFOOLERY. As the game ends on the television, the station pulls in for a few CLOSE INTERVIEWS with the STAR PLAYERS, some of which decline but others - namely VRISKA, whose interview takes nearly half an hour longer than intended - are eager to take the spotlight. By the time they’ve wrapped them all up and moved on to coverage of the STADIUM HAPPENINGS, you and DAVEPETASPRITE^2 have finished absolutely HOME ALONING the EVER-LOVING SHIT out of the EGBERT ABODE with the aid of several DAVE-PROVIDED GOOF CONTRAPTIONS. You celebrate this victory by returning to the kitchen, in which you are provided some FRANKLY TERRIBLE CAKE from a FLICKERING GREEN-ORANGE POCKET. Over the noise of the TV and the chattering of DAVEPETASPRITE^2, you do not notice the entry of another - though it would be of little help to be void of those things, as his arrival is as swift and silent as the wind.

JOHN: phew! that was a close one.
JOHN: now whered i put my oh what the fuck
JOHN: dave peta sprite and terezi?
JOHN: what the hell are you guys doing here?
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < the feds are here quick terezi take the oven
TEREZI: H3LLO JOHN
JOHN: hey terezi.
JOHN: what are you doing in my home.
TEREZI: W3LL YOUR W1NDOWS W3R3 UNLOCK3D
JOHN: noted.
TEREZI: 4ND 1 THOUGHT TH1S W4S VR1SK4’S HOUS3
JOHN: oof. alright then.
JOHN: does it really smell that similar?
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < nyah
TEREZI: TH3Y 4R3 LY1NG 1 C4N SM3LL 1T
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < snitch
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < also yeah it does dude
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < smells like youve been str8 up smoking spiders
TEREZI: Y3S 1TS R3M4RK4BLY S1M1L4R TO S3RK3TS H1V3
TEREZI: 3SP3C14LLY TH3 CRUSH1NG S3NS3 OF W31RD NOST4LG14 4ND TH3 T4ST3 OF OLD L4M3 MOV13S
JOHN: ok i know this isn’t your point but what does that taste like?
TEREZI: MOSTLY L1K3 PL4ST1C 4ND C4RDBO4RD
JOHN: oh.

You, JOHN, and DAVEPETASPRITE^2 all stare at each other for an uncomfortably long moment. In this pocket of silence, JOHN makes his way over to the kitchen counter, stuffing a RING OF KEYS and a BOTTLE OF LIQUID - it’s champagne, presumably, but for copyright reasons and the lack of a Champagne region on this Earth it is not labeled as such - into his SYLLADEX. As the HEAVY BOTTLE vanishes from the countertop and becomes as data, a long string unwinds itself, tugging away at a series of COMPLICATED PULLEYS and BULLSHIT MECHANISMS. A tense strip of paper snaps and a spring unfurls, and JOHN is promptly hit in the face with a HILARIOUSLY TIMED PIE.

JOHN: what the fuck!!

You and DAVEPETASPRITE^2 share an EPIC HIGH FIVE.

JOHN: did you trap my house!!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < hehe maybe
JOHN: why!!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < it was personally requested of me
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < thanks to b.m. david elizabeth strider
JOHN: ...bm?
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < beat minister
JOHN: of course.

Sighing deeply at having been bested in the art of HELLACIOUS PRANKS, himself a lifelong student of the GREAT COLONEL SASSACRE, JOHN switches into his GOD-TIER OUTFIT and uses his IMPRACTICALLY LONG HOOD to wipe away the PIE REMNANTS.

JOHN: well, damn.
JOHN: i’ve been fucking owned.
JOHN: i just came back to get a few things before we celebrate.
JOHN: uh, you can stay if you want, i guess?
JOHN: terezi that is.
JOHN: dave peta sprite get the hell out!
JOHN: stop stealing my fucking baked goods!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < johnathan who else is going to eat these
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i am your entire fucking consumer base dude
JOHN: argh. fair.
JOHN: anyway, terezi, you wanna come party?
TEREZI: H3LL Y34H 1 DO!
JOHN: and hey, dave peta?
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < nyuh
JOHN: tell dave he’s just declared a fucking prank war.

Together you depart for the REGULAR STADIUM - you walk with JOHN along the sidewalk. Though for him, a hero of BREATH, it is literally as easy to FLY as it is to BREATHE, he doesn’t mind the wait - you two are GOOD FRIENDS, and it’s been too long since you’ve had a good chance like this. (And besides, if he had tried to fly together with you, it likely would have ended disastrously.) You eventually arrive at your destination, hand-led by JOHN through a crowd of ADORING FANS to the rest of the PROSPIT SETTERS. Meanwhile, on the other side of the stadium...

Your name is DIRK. You have just finished the first game in your SHINING NEW BASKETBALL CAREER - despite your best efforts, it ended in UTTER TRAGEDY. Taking short, sharp breaths, you are leaned up against the CONCRETE SUPPORT PILLAR of the DERSE SLAMMERS COMMAND CENTER, also known as the BREAK ROOM with the BROKEN VENDING MACHINE. Thoughts flow through your mind like water through a CRACKING DAM - tense after your recent failure, you speak up above the others’ chatting.

DIRK: I can’t believe this.
DIRK: Our first ever game, and we got slammed like fuck.
DAVE: dirk we lost by one point
DIRK: That is two points too few.
DIRK: Even a tie would have been unacceptable.
DIRK: This outcome is the worst possible.
DIRK: To be frank, I-
DAVE: its ok you can be
FRANK: Thanks.
FRANK: I’m surprised it took this long for everything to go absolutely fucking pear-shaped.
FRANK: I think there’s only one solution that can save us here.
FRANK: We need a martyr.
ROXY: dirk dont u dare say what i think ur goin 2 say
DIRK: We’re going to have to decapitate me.
ROXY: auurgghhh
ROSE: Dirk, that one isn’t going to work every time.
DAVE: in what fucking world is that a good answer
ROSE: The Land of Hoops and Rims, perhaps?
DAVE: nice one
DAVE: but dude we lost one basketball game
DAVE: this is the first of like eight
DAVE: are you going to do this every time we lose
DIRK: Can I?
DAVE: no
DIRK: Tyranny.
ARADIA: i say we let him! 0v0
ROXY: no
DAVE: no
ROSE: No.
ARADIA: we could use his head as a ball!
DAVE: ok dark
DAVE: also kind of metal actually
ROSE: And physically impractical.
DAVE: but dirkcapitation has kind of been overdone
DAVE: hell im saying this as a contributor to the phenomenon
DIRK: Fine, fine.
DIRK: It won’t be useful always.
DIRK: Either way, we need a strategy for the next game.

Whether the others like it or not, you are right. You’ve read ahead in the rules for the EARTH C ULTIMATE BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT - this game was just the first, and it was simple only as a grace of that. The further rules that apply to every following game range from IMPRACTICALLY JANK to ABSOLUTELY BRITDICULOUS. Enshrined in the STUPIDLY COMPLEX RULES of this tournament, shrouded by a STUPID VOCABULARY so outdated it would make a 1900S DICTIONARY blush across its pages, is something far more sinister. There is only one man you suspect might have already picked up on this, and last you saw he was on the OTHER TEAM, so you’ve kept it to yourself thus far. It is something you have been conditioned to be good at since the age of SIXTEEN: realspace datamesh interference. Though it has taken many forms thus far, you’ve never seen it in quite a FUCKING STUPID form as this - why in Christ would it be BASKETBALL-THEMED?

You take a moment to organize your thoughts. Being the PRINCE OF HEART, you have a deep insight into the machinations of the world around you - that extends so far as to even penetrate the THIN VEIL OF NARRATIVE that exists around this world. For years you had already been planning something of this kind, a GRAND SCHEMA that would culminate in your ULTIMATE ASCENSION past even GOD-TIER. Your dreams were entirely crushed upon the reading of the rules of this tournament - familiar structures of METAPHYSICAL DATA and COSMIC-SCALE FILE SIZES masqueraded in an unbreakable code (BRITISH ENGLISH). The schematic laid out before you was grander than anything you could have ever imagined. Past a final null incarnation, the ULTIMATE PROGRAM has been reborn into something NEW and UTTERLY ASININE:

SDUNK.

You have to imagine that it is some form of TRUE CORRUPTION. Having pushed past its lower boundary in a SOLO SESSION, following the pattern of DIMINISHING RETURNS, the only logical conclusion was to end the game altogether - but this could hardly be. An end to the NATURAL REPRODUCTIVE CYCLE of the MATERIAL UNIVERSE would mean stagnation for eternity, and whatever CAPRICIOUS FORCES exist beyond the TEXTUAL LAYER OF EXISTENCE would never be satisfied with that. So whatever force coded SGRUB and SBURB has reiterated itself once more in the DUMBEST POSSIBLE MANNER, as if it was designed specifically to toy with you. Why would the COSMOS THEMSELVES want you to play BASKETBALL? Why would they arrive in the midst of your own plans, as if a show of FORCEFUL SOVEREIGNTY? Why would...

ROXY: hey dirk u comin??
DIRK: What?

As the PLANNING ROOM comes back into focus, you realize that the others are gone. You were lost in a DEEP TRANCE, contemplating the cruel nature of IMMATERIAL GENESIS BASKETBALL.

ROXY: were gonna go get food!
DIRK: I see. Yes, I’ll be there.
DIRK: Just a moment.

Your eyes dart across your COOL SHADES, and you load up a CLASSIC PROGRAM to engage in a bit of LOW-PROFILE COMMUNICATIONS. It’s been quite a while since you’ve had to do this, but your recent considerations of important matters make it worthwhile.

-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA] at 12:49 --
TT: Hello, Sollux.
TA: fnddx kxbd
TA: s0rry. i was h0lding the ph0ne upside d0wn. what’s up.
TT: You’re good at programming, yes?
TA: the best.
TA: i 0nly created sgrub and all.
TT: Funny that you mention that, actually.
TA: ...
TA: n0pe.
TA: n0t d0ing it again.
TT: It’s a bit too late, I’m afraid.
TT: I take it you haven’t heard of SDUNK yet?
TA: are y0u j0king?
TA: i kn0w y0u aren’t.
TA: because y0u’re dirk strider.
TA: but please tell me y0u are.
TT: No ironic bits here, sadly.
TT: Another game is already in motion.
TT: The files just have yet to fully install, so to speak.
TT: The data exists. It’s what formed our contract.
TA: i th0ught the pr0spit captain did that?
TT: He wrote it, but he did not create it.
TT: You coded SGRUB, but the data existed in the temple already.
TT: Every “jeepers”, “whizbang”, and “blimey” in that rules document is practically universal destiny.
TA: well, i still d0n’t want t0 help make the game real.
TA: y0u kn0w what’ll happen if we d0.
TA: pe0ple will die. lives will be ruined.
TA: acc0rding t0 karkat, we’ll be in debt practically f0rever.
TT: Noble.
TT: But futile.
TT: It’ll happen whether we like it or not.
TT: This is the will of the ball.
TT: Either we get to it first, or some dork-ass loser kid with a bunch of equally loser friends gets to it first and makes it themself.
TA: y0u’ve just said the same thing twice.
TT: Point taken.
TA: l00k i g0tta g0, the pr0spit setters want me t0 j0in them.
TA: i can take a l00k later 0kay?
TT: Appreciated.
-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA] --

Your SICK SHADES deactivate as you approach the park. Outside the HIGH WALLS of the BASTION OF BASKETS, the sunlight feels nice - and a cool breeze sweeps by, somewhat comforting after the sting of your recent loss. Still in your DERSE SLAMMERS UNIFORM, you sit down with your brother DAVE on the soft grass while the other teammates achieve FOODSTUFFS. From the skies above, two figures approach.

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < guess who i found!!
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Me. They found me.
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < wow way to ruin the surprise
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Hello all. Been a little while.
JASPROSESPRITE^2: I couldn’t make it to today’s game. Not sorry, just wanted to make sure you knew.
JASPROSESPRITE^2: I trust you still did well without me?
DAVE: yea we kicked ass still
DAVE: we lost in the end though by like a couple points
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Then it matters not how well you performed.
DIRK: Thank you! Glad you agree.
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < hey dont be rude im sure nyall tried hard
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < btw am i fired
DAVE: nah dont worry bout it
DAVE: despite what the rest of these nerds would say it is not the end of the world because we lost the very first game
DAVE: the one we prepared for the least
DAVE: so like its cool homie
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < okay cool thats got me feline better at least!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < however i do have some news you might not like
DAVE: uh oh
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i pranked john like you asked
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < terezi helped me with it also!
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < he got pied in the face like immediately
DAVE: fuck yes good job
DAVE: thank you for your service soldier
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < however egg head aint like that one bit
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < a prankster himself pranked is disgraced
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < so he told me that i should tell you its on
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < this means war
DAVE: YES
DAVE: this goof has paid off far better than i was expecting
DAVE: i was hoping for something of this caliber
DAVE: now i get to flex my prank muscles finally its been too long
DIRK: Where is that muscle, precisely?
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < in your moms pants

You clench your fists and silently curse the sky. DAVE and OTHER DAVE partake in a DOPELY BEDESTINED HIGH-FIVING SEQUENCE, choosing to entirely ignore the POSSIBLE IMPLICATIONS of their HEINOUS STATEMENT. JASPROSE watches this all happen, flickering between pink and purple as she twitches with FELINE ENERGY. As the two versions of your brother finish up their IMPRACTICALLY LONG HAND-SLAP MENAGERIA, you see the REST OF YOUR TEAM returning from a building nearby, carrying HELLA FOODSTUFFS to soothe the PAINS OF DEFEAT. Time heals all wounds, but a GOOD-ASS SLICE OF PIZZA heals them harder. It is still early in the LOVELY OCTOBER AFTERNOON, so you decide to hang outside with your friends for a good while. Not so far away, someone else decides to pause their hang.

Your name is JAKE. You have just had a ROARING GOOD TIME with your CLOSEST CHUMS, following your CERTAIN VICTORY against the BUFFOONISH DERSITE BASKETBALLERS. They are still in the PROSPIT SETTERS COMMAND CENTER, also known as the ONLY VENDOR STAND WITH A WORKING POPCORN MACHINE, having a HOOT and a HOLLER as they revel in the overwhelming joy of what will surely be the inaugural feat in your EVER-LASTING STREAK OF ULTIMATE VICTORY. Having claimed to need to take a QUICK POP into the LITTLE BASKETBALL’S ROOM, you bounce happily away from the celebrations - but you take no such steps toward the PRIVY. Withdrawing your CELLULAR TELECOMMUNICATIONS DEVICE from your BUTT POCKET (your favorite pocket), you turn it on and STRIKE UP A CHAT.

-- golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering uranianUmbra [UU] at 12:59 --
GT: Hey calliope old girl i daresay weve made it!
UU: oh my! yoU beat the derse team?
GT: Yes maam!
GT: Crushed them by a whole point!
UU: impressive!
UU: is the rest of the toUrnament setUp going well?
UU: yoU’ve got the other teams to sign the contract, yes?
GT: You betcha!
GT: If my noggin serves me right their games start tomorrow!
UU: yes, it does! ^u^
GT: Cant wait to see how those chaps all perform!
UU: i’ve got the qUeUe Up here.
UU: the conqUest and the confined are Up first.
UU: then the crystals versUs the harleqUins.
UU: then the Uprising and the downfall will face off.
GT: Gee whiz thats a lot of games in one day!
UU: it’s only three. :U
GT: So it is my dear cherub.
UU: have yoU prepared yoUr team adeqUately for the oUtcome?
GT: No im sorry i cant say i have!
GT: You were terribly unspecific about what would happen.
GT: But im guessing by your tone its probably not pleasant?
UU: no it is not.
UU: i will be present to help yoU throUgh it all.
UU: bUt Ultimately this is something for all of Us to experience.
UU: going into it blind is the safest way.
GT: I will say that makes me a tad bit nervous miss.
GT: But i trust you!
GT: The whole team will be out on the practice court in the morning.
GT: Youll be there right madam?
UU: of coUrse!
UU: sorry i coUldnt make it to this first game.
UU: i had to make some important preparations.
GT: Its okay.
GT: And just to be sure youre confident caliborn wont interfere?
UU: not in the slightest.
UU: he’s practically destined to join Us somewhere in this process.
UU: bUt that’s Unavoidable.
UU: we’ll jUst have to hit the cUe wherever it lands!
GT: Alrighty!
GT: Cant wait!
UU: if only we coUld.
-- golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering uranianUmbra [UU] --

Your name is CALLIOPE. You are aghast. You are the MUSE OF SPACE: though this version of yourself never ascended to GOD-TIER, you still have an innate sense of this sort of thing (especially as a CHERUB; the adults of which reign over immeasurably vast regions of space). For the past few weeks, that sense has been abuzz - a tingling twinge that comes with every sharp turn, as if space itself is preparing to fold and twist and become new. It is the same sense you felt before you and your brother engaged in the final session of the game SBURB, an IMPENDING CALAMITOUS DREAD that fills every BONE-LIKE STRUCTURE in your body. The HUMANS and TROLLS have felt it too, surely, though their sense of catastrophe was surely not as powerful; you imagine they felt the arrival of its pressure only in the final moments before the meteors wrought devastation upon their home.

You are also TERRIBLE AT BASKETBALL. You managed to find a convenient excuse - preparing for the possibly quite imminent end of everything on Earth C - but the true reason is of course that you’re SHIT AT PLAYING BALL. Your BRITISH SENSIBILITIES make it difficult to mesh with the RATHER AMERICAN SPORT, but knowing the game is not exactly the problem. The polite and methodical creature that you are, it is IMMENSELY ANNOYING for you to make all the TINY MOTIONS required to DUNK HARD or MAKE AN EPIC PASS. You would be happy to play the role of COACH, but KARKAT has seemingly already claimed that position for himself and likely has no intention of giving it up. You are a GOOD SPORT, however, and so you will participate if it is absolutely needed of you (if all goes well, it won’t be).

You step away from the COMPUTER SCREEN. As your MYSTERIOUS ATEMPORAL CHAT CLIENT minimizes, all that is left is the TORRENTIAL DOWNPOUR of absolutely HIDEOUS ORANGE DATA. You shudder to think at what terrible force beyond comprehension would be moved to name a game SDUNK, but the tower atop the desk WHIRS ANGRILY as it strains to process it. You think the very premise of a celestially significant basketball tournament is quite silly, but then again when was the cycle of this world NOT silly? You think a PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL PLAYER might reasonably consider a UNIVERSALLY POWERFUL VIDEO GAME a bit fucking bonkers. You are not omniscient, but you are certainly very clever - having supposed that the PRINCE or SEER have likely already found out about the immense consequences of this SEEMINGLY INNOCENT and RIDICULOUSLY IMPROMPTU BASKETBALL SEASON, you have concluded the preparations necessary for the BIGGEST GAME to commence. It is a process true to the way it has unfolded in all previous universes, although it reads as though it was run through a BASKETBALL PLAYBOOK before it was put into code. Unlike the strict strategems past generations have followed in the creation of all new worlds, the manner of progression here is - as you had guessed as soon as you saw the RIDICULOUS LOGO - entirely related to wins and losses on the B-BALL COURT.

In the depths of your mind, you consider this perhaps a tragedy. For all the work that the HUMANS and the TROLLS and, hell, even the SQUIDDLES before them (and whatever race of gods created their world), put in to making Earth C a reality. You consider that it might all have been for naught, this final safe haven for refugees from three now-defunct expanses of reality culminating in nothing but the churning motion of an uncaring universe. But, at the same time, it is beautiful; for there are more players this time. Had the game been uploaded to a sole computer for a sole creature to play in an empty home, you might have considered that a desolate and anticlimactic end; a game of symmetry between players reduced to a sole being that would play alone and, for it, die alone. But it is not! Each team in the EARTH C ULTIMATE BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT has TEN PLAYERS; a total of EIGHTY LIVING BREATHING PEOPLE. Even if all their stories will not be told, as some are surely destined to fade away into the quiet night, it shows that there is still life in this place. That from the brink of a spiral of wasteful void the eternal cycle of creation can return once more in full force, calling forth its own past creations to partake in yet another fateful game. Will it all be worth it in the end? Will survival to the ULTIMATE REWARD simply mean a prolonged godly lifespan before the world is ripped asunder yet again as the wheels turn forever on? You do not know. You do not care. Your brother, CALIBORN, is the LORD OF TIME. He is obsessed with the end of things - destined to become LORD ENGLISH, already here at the start and end of time, everywhen always. You are not. You cherish your friends deeply, and so you cherish the moments with them. The only moment that matters is now, for that is all anyone will ever see. (Even for TIME players - the FUTURE matters, but it is just a NOW that is far too early for its appointment.)

Even if your future is bleak and cruel, living to see it become a distant memory is better than ruminating on its dreaded arrival. Though the others will be upset, they would ultimately agree - and it would be tragically futile if they tried to stop the arrival of the beginning of the BIGGEST GAME. Soaked in the orange light of a calm cascade of cosmic code, you stare into the fibers of its syntactic composition - slashes, periods, parentheticals - and after a while, it feels as though it is staring back.

If there is one thing you enjoy about your time on Earth C, it is having your own body. You can finally sleep without being forced to consider what cruel and bothersome antics your brother will engage in while your mind is aslumber. Speaking of which, even though it’s still quite early in the afternoon, you think you should probably get some sleep.

You have a really fucking big day tomorrow.

A young troll stands out on a recreation sprawl. It just so happens that today, the 19th of October, is about to either be immensely incredible or unsavably terrible. Though it was 8.769 solar sweeps ago that he was given life - 18 years, 11 months, and 8 days in the human calendar - it was only 2.74 solar sweeps (5 years and 343 days) ago that he was given a name. You could try to guess his name, but he’d probably either give you a disapproving stare or a bit of suave smolder, depending on how generous you are with the name you pick.

Your name is ANSERQ. It is a PLEASANTLY CHILL October day. You are standing outside, clad in a beautifully woven BLUE BASKETBALL UNIFORM. Across the front the word “CONQUEST” is patterned, right above a big number 05 - the name of the BASKETBALL TEAM of which you are CAPTAIN and your VERY FAVORITE NUMBER, respectively. Much to your delight, the back of the uniform also has the number 05 in its center, as well as your surname “VULPEC” sewn above it. In your PERSONAL TIME, you contain multitudes - a frequenter of the SCIENCE LABS and the CITY JAIL equally, you are both a SCIENTIST and a DELINQUENT. But in this very moment, neither of those matter: you are here to PLAY SOME GOD DAMN BASKETBALL. You can feel your PUMP BISCUIT pounding hard, sending CERULEAN BLOOD coursing through your veins as you prepare for the game. You do not yet have the dignity of competing in the majesty of the REGULAR STADIUM, so you and your competitors - the HUMAN SOVEREIGN CONFINED, a team of LOSER HUMANS who are going to FUCKING LOSE - have gathered today on a SLIGHTLY LESS COOL COURT near the EDGE OF THE CITY. The rest of your team has already gathered here, most of them just as excited as you are to engage in a GLORIOUS CONTEST OF BALLS.

Much to your dismay, you see a figure begin approaching across the court. With each bounding step closer their HIDEOUS FIGURE sways about, flourishing in some EGREGIOUS DISPLAY of CHEERFUL EXCITEMENT. It is none other than your deeply sworn enemy, a feud that runs between you down to the very finest etchings of your soul. You are a TROLL from the TROLL KINGDOM. She is a HUMAN from the HUMAN KINGDOM. You love SCIENCE and CRIME. She has shown NO PASSION for SCIENTIFIC ENDEAVORS, and has NEVER BEEN TO JAIL. You are an ENORMOUS FAN OF FOXES - and in your time spent carefully observing her SADISTICALLY CRUEL BEHAVIOR, you have learned that she owns a CHICKEN. She has somehow always remained one step ahead of you, throughout the duration of your conflict: her most GRIEVOUS OFFENSE thus far was when she put up a VAST GRID OF METAL DETERRENT around her previously defenseless backyard to stop you from DIGGING UP HER GARDEN. It was as if the gods themselves created her specifically to torment you, as punishment for being the COOLEST, SUAVEST DUDE on all of Earth C. You are burning with rage by the time she arrives, your fury stoked in preparation for what will no doubt be a scathing dig at your character.

MAYA: Hello Anserq!
MAYA: Are you having a good morning?
ANSERQ: noT anY morE
MAYA: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.
MAYA: I just wanted to stop by before the game started and wish you some good luck!
ANSERQ: wE wilL noT bE needinG iT
ANSERQ: thE trolL kingdoM conquesT iS thE besT teaM iN thiS entirE tournamenT
ANSERQ: lucK wilL noT helP uS wiN
ANSERQ: wE havE iN essencE alreadY destroyeD youR miserablE excusE foR A basketbalL teaM
MAYA: Oh, definitely!
MAYA: This sounds like it’s going to be pretty intense game.
MAYA: I’ve heard you guys are pretty good!
MAYA: I wouldn’t say you’ve already won, though.
MAYA: Anything can happen out on the court!
ANSERQ: anythinG?
MAYA: Yeah, anything!

You quickly add “It happened on a basketball court!” to your mental list of possible future alibis.

MAYA: Who knows?
MAYA: Maybe the Human Sovereign Confined will win this whole thing!
ANSERQ: pffT
ANSERQ: I finD thaT implausiblE
ANSERQ: humaN sovereigN confineD?
ANSERQ: morE likE humanS uH
ANSERQ: confineD tO
ANSERQ: theY saY confineD becausE yoU arE
ANSERQ: thE tournamenT
ANSERQ: yoU arE A brackeT
ANSERQ: oN thE confineD tournamenT
MAYA: What are you trying to say?
ANSERQ: yoU arE confineD
ANSERQ: thE h
ANSERQ: sovereigN
ANSERQ: yoU arE calleD thE humaN sovereigN confineD becausE yoU arE humanS sovereignlY confineD tO thE bottoM brackeT oF thE tournamenT
ANSERQ: FUCK YOU I GOT IT
MAYA: Oh! That’s pretty funny!
MAYA: Hm, I guess...
MAYA: Maybe they call you the ‘Troll Sovereign Conquest’ because the ‘Troll Sovereigns’ decided we should ‘Conquest’ you!
MAYA: Hehe, I like that!
ANSERQ: WHAT
ANSERQ: whaT thE FUCK
ANSERQ: whY woulD yoU saY thaT
ANSERQ: begonE fouL witcH
MAYA: Okie doke!

The EVIL VILLAINESS retreats to her VILE CRONIES, engaging in further acts of HATEFUL EVIL such as FRIENDLY HIGH FIVES and SILLY JOKES. Pre-fucking-posterous. You briefly begin to consider possible future means of attack against her and her CRUEL MINIONS, but any thoughts you might have had are swept away by the roaring of an incoming crowd. Having thoroughly stolen your attention, you set your gaze on the center of their mania: the arrival of perhaps the only man on the planet who is suaver and sexier than you are. He is a GOD, one of the ORIGINAL CREATORS responsible for the creation of the very world upon which you stand. You’ve heard the story told a hundred times, mostly retold from the long nights that ROSE LALONDE - another of the creator humans - spent recounting just about everything that unfolded across the 3.23 solar sweeps (7 years) prior to the genesis of this ENTIRE MATERIAL UNIVERSE. Though they are GODS in seemingly both a literal and a mythological sense, nowadays they mostly seem interested in LIVING THEIR LIVES - fortunately, the EARTH C ULTIMATE BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT has brought many of them back into the limelight in the face of RIDICULOUS COURT-POUNDING ACTION. Like most of your peers, you don’t particularly care for any of them, but you do harbor a pinch of respect for the HUSSNASTY ANTICS they were all about back in the day. You are left little time to think about this in greater depth, however, as your HEAR DUCTS are soon vibrated by the sound of ALBIONIC JUMBLESPEAK.

JAKE: Alrighty folks its time to play some good old basketball!
JAKE: I hope youre all ready!
JAKE: Ive been told this will be the showdown of a lifetime!

You see that the FUNNY GOOF is accompanied by another of his allies: a CHERUB, the only of her kind on the ENTIRE PLANET according to the tales of old.

CALLIOPE: yes!
CALLIOPE: this game is going to be very intense, i promise yoU.
CALLIOPE: in more ways than yoU can possibly imagine.
CALLIOPE: bUt as long as yoU stick to yoUr team and stay focUsed on the game, i’m sUre we all can make it throUgh this jUst fine.
JAKE: Quite right calliope.
JAKE: Now lets get to balling!

The crowd parts, and both teams - the TROLL SOVEREIGN CONQUEST and the HUMAN SOVEREIGN CONFINED - approach the sidelines, readying themselves for action. Pulling your now-irrelevant thoughts of hatred together in your mind, you crumple them into a MENTAL BASKETBALL and prepare for the dunk of a lifetime. Gesturing to your end of the court, you beckon the rest of your team over.

ANSERQ: alrighT alrighT bitcheS letS geT thiS goinG
ANSERQ: wevE onlY goT A feW minuteS untiL thE gamE startS
ANSERQ: sO letS makE thE mosT oF thE timE wevE goT
ANSERQ: everyonE whoS goinG ouT firsT geT oveR herE witH mE

Four of your teammates gather. As always, the first to join you in your GAMING ENDEAVORS is your friend ELOIZI. She is a LIME-BLOOD: a type fabled by the legends to have been hunted to extinction by the other castes of troll on your species’s HOME PLANET. It’s said they were valued for their powerful emotional skills, though their tenderness left them vulnerable. You can certainly believe the latter half, based on how frequently she gets DOMED IN THE FACE by a MOVING BASKETBALL during practice. She is not skilled, but at the very least she is reliable. After her is your other friend AAGNEY, though he does not look it. He is FUCKING MAD at this current moment, and you know exactly why. Glancing down at his TROLL SOVEREIGN CONQUEST JERSEY, you see the number 04 sewn dead center on his chest. You find it IMMENSELY FUNNY for reasons that you feel hardly need explaining, because they will become immediately evident the second he opens his mouth. You two are close, though, and you know his anger will fade after enough time passes, or after a bout of his classic DRAGON-LIKE TEAL-BLOOD VIOLENCE.

AAGNEY: i’m here.
AAGNEY: let’5 ju5t get thi5 5tupid 5hit over with.
ELOIZI: Hey, language! =:I
AAGNEY: 5orry.
AAGNEY: let’5 ju5t get thi5 fooli5h 5hit over with.
ELOIZI: At least you tried! =:)

You are also joined by your lovely MOIRAIL, DENDRA; though they are not the most physical of people, they has been very willing to try the GOD-GIVEN SPORT OF BASKETBALL. For that, you are grateful. Despite their rather AWKWARD AND LANKY form, they are a MASTER OF STEALTH both on and off the court: the years of hiding behind TREES AND LAMPPOSTS whenever their FLUSHED CRUSH comes near as if it were seaweed in the ocean has trained them well. They are a PURPLE-BLOOD, which are said to have been VIOLENT SUBJUGGLATORS in old troll society - you have a laughably hard time imagining them doing anything of the sort. It seems as though the time for their skills has come, as they use you as an apparent source of MAKESHIFT COVER as the fifth player approaches. It is SEQTAN, your oldest friend. You consider yourselves DUDES FROM A DIFFERENT BROOD, veritable SIBLINGS OF A DIFFERENT BLEEDING - were she not a FUCHSIA-BLOOD, one might even believe it. She is gentle and kind, but that masquerades a HIDDEN LAYER OF BRUTALITY that you greatly appreciate, borne from her upbringing in the MIDDLE OF THE WILDERNESS without so much as a SINGLE PARENT. You can hardly imagine that, so her ENDURING OPTIMISM is all the more impressive. As this half of your team collects itself, you glance across the court - the LAME-ASS HUMANS are doing the same.

A few minutes pass, and the game begins: both teams step out onto the field of play, aggregating at the center as they wait for the first ball to drop. Everyone here is nervous, tense in front of an ENORMOUS CROWD and also two ACTUAL GODS, but in equal measure they are ready to GIVE IT THEIR ALL in the name of the SANCTIFIED ORB OF BASKETDOM. In the split moment it takes for the ball to drop, before either team can flex even the tiniest of muscles to lurch forward into movement, there is a happening. It is so massive in scale and effect that there exists no words that can accurately describe it save for its nature as an event that has just occurred. It is a grand shift, incomparable to anything else to anyone alive on the planet. Anyone, that is, but the GODS WHO CREATED IT. It is felt by all of them, to varying degrees; across the city, three of them are preparing for something exactly like this.

Your name is KANAYA. Your presence in this DINGY, RUN-DOWN SERVER ROOM has been requested by your dear friend SOLLUX for reasons that he was suspiciously vague about. He was clear about two things, however: that your presence would be ABSOLUTELY VITAl to the CONTINUATION OF YOUR SPECIES, and also that you in particular were chosen to be present at this meeting due to one of your oldest and most refined skills: handling WORDY, EGOTISTICAL, SCIENCE-OBSESSED NERDS WHO TRY SOME STUPID SHIT. Though the nerd in question is on the OTHER TEAM, SOLLUX assured you that this convention was far more important than the tournament rules. This room would be dark were it not for you, your brilliant white glow outshining the dim orange flicker of the COMPUTER TERMINAL at which SOLLUX sits. He is typing away at a keyboard, making the occasional NOISE OF FLABBERGHASTATION as things seem to happen for NO PARTICULAR REASON on the screen before him. Leaning over his shoulder is the WEIRD NERD that you have been asked to rein in: DIRK STRIDER, who is peering at the screen with an intent gaze the true purpose of which is impossible to determine through the thick glass of his SPECTACULAR SUNGLASSES. The screen turns black for a moment, and an intricate sigil appears at its center; this causes the silence to be broken at last as SOLLUX properly speaks for the first time in nearly half an hour.

SOLLUX: well, fuck.
DIRK: What’s just happened?
SOLLUX: i was trying t0 get d0wn all the c0de i c0uld bef0re anything happened t0 the s0urce.
SOLLUX: this c0ntract had m0st 0f it, but there was a l0t 0f ambient data lingering ar0und it that i had to decrypt.
SOLLUX: after all, pr0grams like this have the ability to affect reality itself; it’s 0nly natural that they’d st0re their files there t00.
SOLLUX: unf0rtunately, i’ve just been shut 0ut 0f them.
KANAYA: Why Cant You Just Keep Copying
KANAYA: Has Someone Blocked You From Accessing It
KANAYA: Im Not Very Skilled With Computers But That Seems Possible
KANAYA: Sabotage Perhaps
SOLLUX: n0, n0, n0thing like that.
SOLLUX: the answer is far m0re simple, and far m0re terrifying.
SOLLUX: see, t0 c0py the c0ntents 0f these files, i need t0 be able t0 0pen them. basic c0mputer stuff.
SOLLUX: i can still ACCESS the files.
DIRK: But you just can’t open them?
DIRK: Only reason that might be is... Oh.
SOLLUX: yep.
SOLLUX: i can’t edit the files while the game is running.
KANAYA: So Its Started Already
DIRK: Correct. Somewhere, someone has just started playing SDUNK.
KANAYA: Wait Is That Actually What Its Called
KANAYA: I Thought You Were Joking Earlier When You Said That
SOLLUX: welc0me t0 the club.
DIRK: It is.
DIRK: Stupid as it may be, it does give us a pretty damn obvious clue as to how this process might be transpiring.
DIRK: Are there any basketball games happening right now?
KANAYA: Yes Theres One Between The Troll Kingdom And Human Kingdom Teams Just Across Town
KANAYA: Should We Try And Stop It

SOLLUX sighs deeply, pushing himself away from the computer. On the screen, the SPIROGRAPHIC GLYPH spins and whirs, a display of elegance so grand it almost seems aware of its own importance. The twisting curves and lines bound to a single circular shape, each morphing stroke bearing the weight of every dead universe past and every living one that will follow. He stands up, turning to face you and DIRK.

SOLLUX: n0 p0int.
SOLLUX: that w0uld be d0ing m0re harm than g00d.
SOLLUX: if this is anything like 0ur sgrub, then that w0uld be like trying t0 st0p the mete0rs by refusing t0 place a cruxtruder.
SOLLUX: i kn0w y0ur mem0ries 0f this wh0le pr0cess have pr0bably l0ng faded - trust me, mine w0uld have as well had i n0t c0ded the entire fucking game myself - s0 i’ll put it this way.
SOLLUX: that w0uld be like trying t0 st0p a train by rem0ving the tracks in fr0nt 0f it.
SOLLUX: sure, it w0n’t keep g0ing in the right directi0n, but that thing is g0nna still keep r0lling n0 matter what.
SOLLUX: we w0n’t get anything 0ut 0f delaying the inevitable.
SOLLUX: 0ur best c0urse 0f acti0n here is simply to play.
DIRK: And how, exactly, do we do that?
DIRK: As fond as I am of basketball, I fail to see exactly how the mechanisms that were in play in the original game will translate to this one.
KANAYA: I Suppose There Would Only Be One Way To Find Out
KANAYA: The Players Playing At This Very Moment Are Likely Doing That Themselves
KANAYA: We Should Go Help Them As Is Our Duty
KANAYA: After All Its Our Fault This Universe Even Exists Is It Not
KANAYA: So This Games Existence Is Due To Our Own Actions
SOLLUX: n0.
SOLLUX: they can handle it 0n their 0wn.
SOLLUX: we have m0re imp0rtant matters t0 address.
SOLLUX: c0nsider the fact that this planet will alm0st certainly s00n be victim t0 a barrage 0f mete0rs, just like earth and alternia past.
SOLLUX: what will bec0me 0f 0ur species?
SOLLUX: i’m s0rry, kanaya, but a m0ther’s duty never ends.
KANAYA: Ah
KANAYA: I Understand
KANAYA: I Will Travel To The Brooding Caverns At Once

He nods solemnly. You know what he’s talking about, and to be truthful it was the first thought that crossed your mind: the MOTHER GRUB. You had hoped it would not be so, but as the reality of the situation sets in ever further it becomes clear that it is unavoidable. Memories flash through your mind: your LUSUS, the VIRGIN MOTHER GRUB. Its TRAGIC DEATH, and the recovery of the first MATRIORB from its corpse. Your journey to keep it safe through the trials of SGRUB, only to be ASSASSINATED CRUELLY by the HEINOUS ORPHANER. The creation of another by the ELDER LALONDE, originally commanded of her by HER IMPERIAL CONDESCENSION but finally completed and gifted to you of her OWN FREE WILL. The HARD WORK and DETERMINATION it took to make a new home for trolls on Earth C, the foundation of the society of an entire species held upon your shoulders. A flickering flame sheltered between your clasped palms, soon to be snuffed out by the ever-roaring winds of change - swept across the cosmos by a vast final croak. You will not let it die yet.

DIRK: Hm.
DIRK: We should likely inform the rest of our teams about this.
DIRK: I can’t imagine they’ll be too pleased to hear that the world is about to die and we’re going to have to do this shit all over again, but it is what it is.
SOLLUX: s0me 0f them already kn0w.
SOLLUX: i saw a little editing had been d0ne t0 0ne 0f the files.
SOLLUX: it wasn’t much, likely an accidental key press, but it was definitely s0me0ne else 0n earth c.
DIRK: Got it.
DIRK: Let’s just hope it’s someone competent.
KANAYA: As For The Others I Suspect They Will Know Soon
KANAYA: I Never Got Anywhere Near To Ascending To God Tier But I Still Felt That Change When That Program Started Just Now
KANAYA: I Am Sure The Rest Of Them Will Feel It Too
DIRK: Fair enough.
DIRK: It wouldn’t hurt to tell anyone if you run across them, though. Warn them in advance, if it isn’t too much trouble.
DIRK: But absolutely DO NOT let this get to anyone else, okay?
DIRK: From the looks of the tournament roster, there’s already far too many cooks in this fucking kitchen.
DIRK: Any more wild dipshits find out about this game, and it steps up from a charming but well-meaning mix of lovable folks trying to create a soup together to an active workplace safety hazard.
KANAYA: Out Of Pure Curiosity
KANAYA: In This Bizarre Metaphor Youre Using Here
KANAYA: What Flavor Is This Soup
DIRK: Do I even have to say it?
DIRK: It’s basketball flavored.

Nodding in acknowledgement of the absolutely stupid thing that this nerd has just said to you, you promptly turn around and leave the room. You have VERY IMPORTANT MATTERS to attend to, so you pick up your pace rather quickly - the BROODING CAVERNS are not very far away, but it will still be a damn long run before you can reach them. You have little faith in the PUBLIC TRANSPORT SYSTEM, and you can’t exactly fly like any of your GOD-TIER FRIENDS - fortunately, there is one such individual who is much more than a friend. As you run, you retrieve your CELLULAR DEVICE from your SYLLADEX and quickly attempt to call your WIFE. It rings thrice, and the call ends, having failed. Though you are undeterred in your focused strides, this worries you slightly. What might she be up to? Where might she be?

>Your name is JADE. It is a VERY PLEASANT October day, though you would have NO WAY OF KNOWING THIS. The only thing you have felt for the past few moments is SHEER AND UTTER COLD, because you are in a VACUUM. You are at the VERY EDGE of the EXOSPHERE, the last point where the cradle of Earth C ends and the void of space begins. This does not concern you; though you feel it, and it is certainly not pleasant, your body is overwhelmed by a shaking from your very core. You have spent the last few moments staring deep into the depths of the surrounding galaxy, having felt a terrible tremble manifest itself on some incomprehensibly cosmic scale, and you are terrified. It is like a picture from your past, a snapshot from twelve years ago brought across time and space alike to haunt you once again. The first time around, you were fraught with entirely unrelated issues - narcolepsy, computer problems, confusing communications - but now, you are the WITCH OF SPACE. This is your domain, and it has been trespassed upon by the very force that made you this way in the first place. In fact, like your three other friends from the first Earth, you were PARADOXICALLY CREATED in an ECTOBIOLOGY LAB out upon the FURTHEST RING OF THE INCIPISPHERE: you are a product of SBURB in your entirety. This instills a burning feeling within you that you are finding particularly difficult to parse. It is like RAGE and GRIEF and HOPE and DETERMINATION, stirred by inexorable forces of change into a whirlwind of emotion not entirely unlike the PINWHEEL SYMBOL emblazoned on your DOG-TIER OUTFIT.

Your deeply somber focus is broken by the pinging of an ancient sound, one so deeply ingrained into the psyches of everyone you know that it may as well be about as universal a constant as gravity or time.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 09:46 --
TT: Hello, Jade.
TT: How are things?
GG: pretty fucking terrible.
TT: I figured as much.
TT: John said you left in a hurry.
TT: I won’t lie. I’ve been shown glimpses of what could happen here.
TT: Seer and all.
TT: But everything I’ve seen has been rather vague. Skilled as I am, it’s as if a cloth has been pulled over my third eye exclusively concerning this matter.
TT: I thought I’d check in.
GG: i appreciate it.
GG: so, long story short?
GG: were at the center of everything.
TT: In what way?
GG: how familiar are you with astrophysics?
TT: I’ve dabbled.
TT: At least enough to know that what you just said shouldn’t be true.
TT: Unless Ptolemy was right all along, and Copernicus is about to start spinning in his grave so hard it changes the axis of the Earth.
GG: youre right. it shouldnt be.
GG: but it is.
GG: the stars. the planets. meteors, comets.
GG: theyre all getting closer.
GG: to earth c.
GG: most of them are slow, but it’s unmistakable.
TT: Curious. What could possibly be causing this?
GG: rose i have no fucking clue.
GG: if this keeps happening, put simply, we are absolutely screwed.
TT: Yes, a collision of planets would be unimaginably disastrous for all involved.
TT: Brings to mind some of the chats I’ve had with John. A veritable ‘game over’, that would be.
GG: understatement of the year.
TT: Can you do anything about it?
TT: You are already in control of four of our own planets, no?
TT: Surely you could pull off feats of similar grandeur here.
GG: i appreciate your confidence in me, but theres no way.
GG: these planets - LOWAS, LOHAC, LOLAR, LOFAF - they arent entirely real. theyre constructs.
GG: i mean of course theyre real planets but not in that sense.
GG: they are more accurately described as tools of SBURB. settings for our grand adventures.
GG: and theyre mostly random. none of the grand, influential sequences of chaos and erosion that make a real celestial body.
GG: these came pre-baked, existing for only as long as we were on them and already a thousand years old.
GG: so to put it shortly, these are way easier for me to manipulate with the powers i got because they came from the same place.
TT: I see. Like trying to pick up a LEGO™ brick with a LEGO™ hand, versus trying to use it on a real brick.
GG: whats that?
TT: Do you really not know what those are? How has nobody ever told you this?
TT: I don’t mean to get off-topic, but ask Dave about it some time. He’s always wanted to try building that LEGO™ SBURB Land of Heat and Clockwork set he alchemized a few years ago.
TT: Sorry. Continue.
GG: ill remember that.
GG: but uh besides, even as easy as they are to control for me, they still take mental effort to maintain.
GG: its practically automatic by now but theres still a tiny part of my focus dedicated to keeping these planets small.
TT: Interesting. I imagine it has something to do with the Witch being an active class, as Calliope explained.
GG: maybe.
GG: but can you imagine how much of my minds effort it would take up to save earth c from every single thing coming this way?
GG: wed need a hundred jades just to handle one galaxy.
TT: Yes, that would be impossible.
TT: So, is that it then?
TT: Are we right and properly doomed?
GG: i dont know!!!
GG: theyre all moving pretty slow.
GG: so we still have some time.
GG: but theres a planet nearby that will hit us pretty fucking soon.
GG: the one dirk discovered?
TT: Deltritus.
GG: yeah that one!
GG: id say we have a week at most.
GG: im not sure what to do though!
GG: i mean.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] opened memo on team BETA –-
TG: ight whatever conversation you guys were just having is over
TG: respond to this and listen the hell up
ectoBiologist [EB] responded to memo.
EB: uh, dave, what’s up?
EB: is something wrong?
TG: yes massively
tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo.
TT: What’s the problem?
TT: We were in the middle of an important conversation.
TG: yea well this is importanter
gardenGnostic [GG] responded to memo.
GG: um what is this?
GG: yeah like rose said we were already talking.
GG: about something kind of important.
TG: did i not just say this is importanter
TG: look i can explain now yall are here
TG: so you guys know obama
EB: the president???
TG: yea
TG: i talked to him and he told me some crazy shit
TG: basically a games about to start
TG: another one like sburb
TT: Well, that would explain the meteors.
GG: oh.
TG: oh shit theres meteors already
TG: how big
TT: Very. All of them, if what Jade has seen is true.
GG: yeah just about all of the meteors. ever.
EB: like another reckoning?
TT: Maybe. It’s possible this could have happened in our own universe during and after the Reckoning; a way to sort of bring everything together before the whole thing gives out.
TT: We wouldn’t have been around to know, of course.
GG: well its definitely happening here, so.
EB: well, shit!
EB: does that mean there’s another game?
TG: yea
TG: but can we back up real quick
TG: how big specifically are they?
TG: like the nearest one for example
GG: well the nearest one is absolutely fucking gigantic.
GG: dave, are you familiar with deltritus?
TG: you mean like the planet?
GG: yeah.
GG: its that big, dave.
TG: i have a question
TG: is it deltritus?
GG: yes dave, earth c is literally under siege by planet fucking deltritus.
TG: OH SHIT
TG: ok sorry had to get that out of the way
TG: had a universal responsibility to fulfill that bit
EB: well played.
EB: can we get on to the fact that we’re apparently screwed?
EB: and there’s apparently another goddamn game?
EB: what’s it called this time? SBUBBY?
TG: okay i could tell you but you literally wont take it seriously
TG: i understood it as soon as it came out of obamas mouth of course
TG: as well as a few other confusing truths
TG: but if i say this to you guys you promise youll believe me
TT: Dave, of course.
TT: I know you wouldn’t lie about this. It corroborates what we already know. It can’t be more ridiculous than anything we’ve seen.
TT: Though I must say, it’s a bit odd - how could our planet be destroyed when it must continue to exist for the Cherubs?
TG: uh
TG: thats weird actually i didnt think about that
TG: i suppose well have to find out
GG: yeah dave i know this is all messed up but well believe you!
TT: Indeed. What’s the name?
TG: so its called SDUNK
EB: like the basketball move?
TG: like the basketball move
tentacleTherapist [TT] stopped responding to memo.
TG: aw hell
TG: you two believe me though right
GG: only because i saw the meteors.
GG: and even then you are on thin fucking ice david.
TG: i swear to barack im being serious right now this is sincere
TG: on all that is ill if im lying right now ill never rap again
TG: no more phat bheats from the strider lungs ever for all time
TG: not even a timely rhythmic peep outta this guy
EB: okay, so he isn’t lying.
EB: in which case what the FUCK?
EB: SDUNK? seriously?
TG: yea tell me about it
GG: do we.
GG: do we have to play basketball?
GG: is this basketball tournament we’re in...
GG: is this the way the next universe is getting made?
TG: prolly i dont fuckin know
TG: president obama told me everything he knew about the game
TG: which was a. its happening
TG: and b. its too late to stop it
TG: and c. its going to be absolutely fucking rad
EB: basketball is pretty rad.
EB: but wait no this sucks still!!!!
GG: yeah dave this is terrible! :(
TG: its terrible yes
TG: all our hard work has amounted to a march madness bracket
TG: however
TG: its basketball
TG: so
GG: no!!
GG: this is bad!!
TG: you have a point
TG: however i think we simply dont have a choice
TG: we didnt really last time
EB: i mean, we DO.
EB: the choice is just play or die.
EB: so a pretty easy one.
TG: yea precisely
TG: so we gotta figure out how to play this real fucking quick
TG: or talk to someone who does
GG: by the way dave, i have to ask.
GG: rose brought it up to me.
GG: what are legos?
TG: WHAT
tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo.
TT: Apologies. I had to step away from the computer for a moment.
TT: On the bright side, I took the chance to talk to someone else.
TT: Dirk.
EB: oh boy. what great wisdoms did he dispense?
TT: He told me the exact same thing.
EB: SERIOUSLY?
TG: im fucking telling you dude SDUNK is real as hell
TG: would obama lie
EB: yes. hes a politician. of course he lies.
TG: YOU TAKE THAT SHIT BACK RIGHT NOW
TT: John, be nice. Dave, calm down.
EB: ok fine.
EB: in this case obama probably would not lie.
GG: guys.
GG: who is obama?
TG: former president of the united states of america
TG: also the president of hope
TT: ...Is that his God-Tier Class?
TT: President?
TG: yea
TG: anyway hes pretty rad
GG: um, and where did you find this guy?
EB: let me guess, the white house?
TG: yea he was at the white house
TG: i was just tryna see if i could cop any cool presidential memorabilia for my personal collection from earth c casa blanca
TG: perhaps an oval office chair for the living room
TG: imagine my surprise when i found like a whole guy
TT: We are focusing on entirely the wrong issue.
TT: SDUNK is real and it is happening.
TT: I’ve been told a few people are already working on solutions.
TT: Much to my relief, Kanaya is attempting to obtain a matriorb in case we need to move planets again, at Sollux’s request.
GG: which seems likely.
TT: True. Additionally, Jake and Calliope are apparently overseeing a game in progress at the moment that has turned... Unusual.
TG: in a good way?
TT: Subjective.
TT: But other than that, we’re among the first to know.
EB: can we do anything about it?
GG: we have to tell the others!
GG: make sure everyone can be ready.
GG: if its got something to do with the basketball games...
GG: then well have to play.
GG: im not very good at all personally but dammit if it means the end of the world i guess ill just have to get out there! >:(
EB: hey, that’s the spirit!
EB: we’ll just have to deal with things as they come.
EB: this seems rather unpredictable thus far.
EB: given its sportslike nature, i would assume this is something perhaps different from the original SBURB.
EB: but let’s keep on fighting!
EB: we didn’t get this far just to give up now!
TT: Right you are.
GG: yeah!!
TG: ight sounds like a plan
TG: where doing this man
TG: where MAKING THIS HAPEN
-- turntechGodhead [TT] closed memo --

Your name is DAVE. You are sitting inside the OVAL OFFICE of the WHITE HOUSE, one of your favorite buildings in the entire UNITED STATES of AMERICA. You are alone here; besides you, the room is empty. A cold autumn wind blows through the SHATTERED WINDOWS, leaving you slightly chilled in your GOD-TIER OUTFIT. Your heart is beating a bit faster than usual, and your body is entirely tense - you aren’t particularly a fan of LYING TO YOUR FRIENDS. You did make a HASTY PROMISE about NEVER RAPPING AGAIN, the consideration of which has just hit you REALLY FUCKING HARD; but upon thinking it through, you didn’t actually lie about any of it. It was all true. You just chose to omit the rest of it, like where you are and why. Reclined atop the desk of the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, you look out through what little remains of the BEAUTIFUL WINDOWS out upon the SCORCHED RED SANDS, the ruins of WASHINGTON D.C. surrounding all having been drowned by the rise of the desert. Here you stand, proof that Earth C will live on yet - as you are THOUSANDS OF YEARS IN THE FUTURE from any of your friends. You are here at the advice of BARACK OBAMA - who you did really meet - but the information you’ve just shared with your friends has come from a mouth far more sinister. You load up your device once more, and inform him.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering undyingUmbrage [UU] at 23:10 --
TG: there i fuckin did it alright
TG: i told them about the game
UU: GOOD.
UU: WAS THAT SO HARD?
TG: no
TG: but fuck you dude
TG: tell me more about SDUNK now like you said
UU: FINE!
UU: I HAVE NO QUALMS WITH THAT.
UU: IT IS ANOTHER TRY.
TG: another?
UU: YOU ARE ALREADY FAMILIAR WITH CALLIOPE IN THE PAST YES?
TG: yeah
UU: AND AS SHE COULD PROBABLY TELL YOU.
UU: SHIT IS NOT ABOUT TO GO FINE AND DANDY FOR ME.
UU: A GAME WITH ONE PLAYER?
UU: AND A LORD OF TIME NO LESS.
UU: NO SPACE PLAYER TO BREED FROGS. NO KNIGHT TO HELP THEM.
UU: JUST ME.
UU: EVEN AS UTTERLY MAGNIFICENT AS I AM AS YOU CAN IMAGINE THIS WILL BE SOMETHING MUCH MORE INTERESTING.
UU: BUT THE EXISTENCE OF CALLIOPE IN THE PAST IS PROOF OF THAT.
UU: IN FACT SO IS THE EXISTENCE OF LORD ENGLISH.
UU: HE IS FAR IN THE PAST AND EVERYWHEN AND ALWAYS AND I AM A PART OF HIM.
UU: AS SUCH SOMETHING IS ABOUT TO BE UTTERLY FUCKING CRAZY.
UU: AND I AM MOST CERTAINLY NOT ABOUT TO MAKE A NEW UNIVERSE.
UU: BUT IN A ROUNDABOUT FASHION THROUGH MY ACTIONS NOW THE WORLD IN THE PAST WILL HAVE BEEN CHANGED BEFORE I EVER LIVED.
UU: BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE REALIZED *OH SHIT I AM ABOUT TO TRY AND MAKE A BABY WITH THE CRAZIEST MOST SEXY AWESOME CHERUB THERE EVER WAS THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK AT ALL*.
UU: SO THS SDUNK IS ITS SECOND TRY.
UU: YOUR FIRST.
TG: christ alright that makes sense i guess
TG: its in another timeline then?
UU: THAT IS ONE WAY TO LOOK AT IT.
UU: IT IS ALSO THE SAME TIMELINE, JUST THE FIRST TIME THROUGH.
UU: THIS EARTH MIGHT GET DESTROYED, MAYBE IT WON’T.
UU: WHO’S TO SAY?
TG: fuck okay
TG: but we were destined to fight you though
TG: get sucked into the juju after finally defeating you
TG: come out on the other side ready to kick your ass as english
TG: that shit already happened in fact
TG: and paradox space is gone thanks to calliope dos
TG: its frankly set in stone
UU: IT WAS DAVE.
UU: IT WAS UNTIL THIS BEGAN.
UU: UNTIL SDUNK BEGAN.
UU: IT IS ITSELF A PARADOX.
UU: THE UNIVERSE CANNOT SAFELY LIVE WITHOUT THEM.
UU: LIKE A TADPOLE OUT OF WATER.
TG: caliborn how the hell do you know this
TG: this is shit beyond even you man
TG: and most of it is like way into your future and past
UU: THIS IS SOMETHING NEW. YOU WILL SEE.
UU: BECAUSE AS I WAS SAYING THERE IS A PARADOX AGAIN.
UU: THE GAME THAT EXISTS BECAUSE OF MY RUINATION, ME AS A BEING THAT WILL NEVER EXISTS BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN ERASED IN THE FUTURE AND PAST.
UU: IT SHOULD NOT EXIST BECAUSE I AM NOT ANYMORE, AND I HAVE YET TO BE.
UU: AND WITH PARADOXES, THERE IS A MEDIUM IN WHICH HE CAN EXIST.
UU: THE THING I WILL BECOME.
TG: what the fuck
TG: you cant mean
UU: DAVE THERE ARE TWO THINGS YOU HAVE FAILED TO CONSIDER.
UU: BARACK MEANT WELL BUT HE COULD NOT HAVE FORESEEN THIS.
UU: THE FIRST IS THAT HE IS DESTINED TO BE THERE ALWAYS. ALREADY THERE FOR ETERNITY. BORN TO DESTROY AS A PRODUCT OF THE OLD GAME.
UU: BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT.
UU: THE SECOND IS WHAT I SEE DAVE.
TG: what
TG: what um
TG: what do you mean
UU: WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES DAVE.
UU: WHEN I GO TO SLEEP DAVE.
UU: I AM A DERSE DREAMER.
UU: HAHAHAHA
UU: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
UU: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering undyingUmbrage [UU] --

You shudder, terrified. It takes only a brief moment for it all to set in, passing through your mind and soul like a GOLDEN BULLET. You sit up properly, letting the chair rest and standing up from the PRESIDENT’S DESK. For a moment, you consider you might be hearing CALIBORN’s SINISTER LAUGH from all the way across the dead Earth. But as your entire body is stirred, the hairs on the back of your neck standing straight up in the presence of true power, you realize it is much closer. It is stronger than yourself by an unimaginably vast difference: after all, what is a KNIGHT to a LORD? You hear the floorboards creak, and the door opens. There is a sweep of motion, and the OVAL OFFICE is alight with jumbled color. You barely have the TIME to access your STRIFE SPECIBUS - you end up drawing your

sord.....

LORD ENGLISH: HELLO STRIDER.
DAVE: f
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: dont try anything
LORD ENGLISH: WHY WOULD I, DAVE?
LORD ENGLISH: THE RULES ARE VERY CLEAR.
LORD ENGLISH: THE PROSPIT DREAMERS ARE ON ONE SIDE.
LORD ENGLISH: THE DERSE DREAMERS ARE ON THE OTHER.
LORD ENGLISH: THREE QUARTERS OF ME WERE DERSE DREAMERS.
LORD ENGLISH: I BELIEVE THAT PUTS ME ON YOUR TEAM.
DAVE: wait what
DAVE: are you fucking serious?
DAVE: youre THE lord english right
LORD ENGLISH: NOT THE FIRST, EVIDENTLY.
LORD ENGLISH: I AM OF A NEW CLOTH.
LORD ENGLISH: OF THE NEW PARADOX SPACE.
LORD ENGLISH: CREATED BY THE EXISTENCE OF SDUNK.
LORD ENGLISH: IT FEELS ONLY RIGHT THAT I HONOR IT.
DAVE: wh
DAVE: so youre
DAVE: are you actually
LORD ENGLISH: WOULD I JOKE, STRIDER?
LORD ENGLISH: YOU KNOW ME.
LORD ENGLISH: YOU JUST FINISHED TALKING TO ONE FOURTH OF ME.
LORD ENGLISH: WOULD I JOKE ABOUT SOMETHING SO IMPORTANT?
DAVE: well
DAVE: well shit i guess not dude
DAVE: um
DAVE: really?
LORD ENGLISH: OF COURSE.
LORD ENGLISH: NOW THEN, BOY.
LORD ENGLISH: LET’S PLAY SOME FUCKING BALL.

The sound of sneakers squeaking on hot concrete. A ball - mostly rubber, partly leather - bouncing between hands. The heat, both from the sun and as a product of your own motion. The roaring of a startled crowd, tuned by your brain down to little more than a low hum. The twitch of an eye every so often - you aren’t used to wearing contacts.

Your name is MAYA. It is a WONDERFULLY WARM October morning, but you wouldn’t know that - you’ve got your head in the game. As you move around the court, your lovingly-crafted ORANGE BASKETBALL UNIFORM swishes about with every deft weave and turn. Across the front the word “CONFINED” is patterned, right above a big number 01 - you humbly insisted you be given its TOTAL INVERSE, 10, but the rest of your friends thought it only fitting to make you first. To be fair, you are usually the FIRST TO DO THINGS, though not out of any competitive spirit; you’re just that kind of gal! The same number is sewn onto the back of the jersey, as well as your surname, “WINTER”. You’ve always thought that was a FUNNY COINCIDENCE - despite having such a SEASONALLY COLD last name ever since DAY ONE, you’ve heard yourself described as ABOUT AS WARM AS YOU CAN GET. You take it well, as that is your best trait; caring for your FAMILY AND TEAMMATES and sharing your ABUNDANT WISDOM is what you love to do! However, you also love another thing: BALLING HARD.

You are a competitor in the EARTH C ULTIMATE BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT - in fact, you’re the CAPTAIN of the HUMAN SOVEREIGN CONFINED. You’ve never been particularly skilled at sports, but you find them all IMMENSELY ENJOYABLE for the sense of TEAMWORK AND CAMARADERIE. And also, as nice as you are, who in their right mind would pass up the opportunity to DUNK ON SOME FOOLS? You are already knee-deep in the DANGEROUS, FOUL-INFESTED WATERS of your first ever REAL HIGH-STAKES SLAM SESSION. Your team is doing spectacularly well so far, fairly beating the TROLL SOVEREIGN CONQUEST with a score of 13 to 4. If their playstyle is anything to judge by, this seems to have ANGERED THEM SEVERELY - but you’re sure it’s all in good fun. You know a few members of the other team to have been SLIGHTLY RUGGED in the past, but then again so have a few members of YOUR OWN GROUP; and either way, it would be rather foolish to try something so BRAZENLY UNSPORTSMANLIKE at current. This is because your game is under the active watch of TOTAL HOTTIE and LITERAL GOD JAKE ENGLISH, and his CHARMINGLY UNUSUAL friend CALLIOPE, who is ALSO A GOD. Anyone who tries something TOO SILLY FOR SPORTS will probably end up getting their SHIT WRECKED with them around, you figure! But as a final basketball is rocketed free from the hands of the other team’s SHOOTING GUARD, DENDRA VEILET (a tall PURPLE-BLOODED TROLL who is A LITTLE BIT CUTE), it soars into the basket and falls through in almost UNIVERSALLY PERFECT HARMONY with the END OF THE FIRST QUARTER. The score brought up to 13 and 6, a whistle sounds and the CROWD GOES WILD.

The teams divide, retreating to their respective sidelines to assess their GRAND STRATEGY and to LICK THEIR WOUNDS (METAPHORICALLY - wait, never mind - you spare a glance at the other team, and apparently that was VERY LITERAL for one of them). You join the other four members of your current BATTLE PARTY there, where they all seem just about as amped as you do! The first one you see is your good friend ANNA, who seems intent on dedicating this short break to ECOLOGICALLY DECIMATING THE LOCAL GATORADE POPULATION; you very nearly dodge the next EMPTY BOTTLE as it is tossed haphazardly aside. You think RECKLESS would perhaps be the best way to describe her: she is HARDY, she is FOOLISH, and she is certainly FOOLHARDY. She is also WICKEDLY SKILLED in the art of TASTEFULLY TACTICOOL FIREARMS - though luckily, given this is a NICE AND FRIENDLY GAME OF BASKETBALL, she has none of her DEARLY BELOVED REVOLVERS on her at the moment. Attempting to sidestep the next BRUTALLY SHOTGUNNED SPORTS DRINK CARCASS, you accidentally bump into your other close pal COLT. He stumbles about and hesitates little to assume a DEFENSIVE BATTLESTANCE, before realizing it was just you up to a bit of RECREATIONAL COLLISION. He is jumpy as per usual, but you know he means well; entirely DAUNTLESS, irregularly SELFLESS, and voted MOST LIKELY TO BLOW HIMSELF UP in your HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK. (He would have lost the position to another student had he not been convinced to vote for himself.) COLT and ANNA are very close thanks to their SIMILAR NATURES: they go together like a COMICALLY SUSPICIOUS TRAIL OF POURED GUNPOWDER and a COMICALLY LARGE BOX LABELED ‘NOT EXPLOSIVES’.

COLT: WHOAG whoha
COLT: you scared me there meijer
MAYA: Oh, sorry!
MAYA: Was just trying to avoid Anna’s jetsam zone over there.
COLT: cool
COLT: why would you want to avoid that though that sounds badass
COLT: in ya girls jetsam zone smirk emoji smirk emoji volcano emoji
MAYA: Did you just…
COLT: sorry real emojis werent in the budget well have to stick with saying them out loud
MAYA: Note taken! Smile emoji.
COLT: shit NO we cant pay the royalties for that one maya
COLT: youve fucking sunk this company you hear me
COLT: WERE DOOMED

You walk away as he pantomimes being on a sinking ship and appears to nearly actually drown in the process. Making your way over to the other two members of your team, you see them doing something actually useful. Your half-brother FINN is hastily tying a bandage around his calf, while his best friend DOVE watches carefully and advises. Being the LOVABLE DOOFUS he is, you see that at this point he has managed to give himself a FULL LEG CAST AND SPLINT in order to treat what you’re fairly certain is a SCRATCH THE SIZE OF A THUMBPRINT. He has always been cautious about things like this - when you rush head first into JUST ABOUT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING, it helps to be able to fix yourself up after. DOVE is being ABSOLUTELY NO HELP AT ALL here; while usually a SERENE VOICE OF WISDOM, it seems her IMMENSELY EMPATHIC HEART has ended up siding with FINN - she’s actually encouraging him to wrap it up more, which he VERY MUCH AGREES WITH. Before one of them inevitably suggests TOTAL AMPUTATION, you intervene.

DOVE: finn, honey, you might need more around the foot! OvO
FINN: OKAY!
FINN: And where is THAT?
FINN: I can’t tell WHERE it is anymore.
FINN: Too much GAUZE.
MAYA: It’s at the bottom, goofball.
DOVE: oh, hello maya!
DOVE: are you here to help?
MAYA: Yes.
MAYA: Finn, take this stuff off.
FINN: Take WHAT off?
MAYA: Everything here. You don’t need all of this.

You gesture vaguely to the mass of bandages. Oblivious, he begins to remove his HUMAN SOVEREIGN CONFINED JERSEY; you swat him on the head with your hand.

MAYA: No, dumbass!
MAYA: I’m talking about this conglomerate of medical malpractice you’ve cooked up here!
FINN: That makes MORE sense.
MAYA: I don’t mean to be rude, but you literally might end up doing more harm than good this way.
DOVE: but better safe than sorry, no? OnO
MAYA: You and I have wildly differing definitions of “safe”.
MAYA: Does yours involve starving this man’s entire leg of oxygen?
DOVE: that depends.
MAYA: WRONG answer!!!
MAYA: The correct response there is NO!!!
FINN: But what if I HAVE to?
MAYA: Finnigan Elfame Barnet.
MAYA: In that case.
MAYA: We would take you to a HOSPITAL.
MAYA: With DOCTORS!!!
FINN: Whatever you SAY!
FINN: Now how DO I get this off?

You start helping him peel off the bandages - and a METAL BRACE that you REALLY DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THE ORIGINS OF - to have him ready for the next quarter. Though he may not be a very good listener, and well-intended to an incredible fault, you can’t blame him for TRYING HIS BEST. He’s your BROTHER, and he always tries VERY HARD to follow in the footsteps of your WARMTH AND KINDNESS - no matter how many times you call him “DUMBASS”. You finish unraveling the tangled mess just as the whistle sounds once more: time for the next quarter. Across the open fields surrounding the basketball court, the whistle echoes; someone else hears it.

Your name is ROXY. It is a VERY NICELY COOL October morning - you can feel it as a breeze is carried over the open fields and forest, sweeping across the GIANT PUMPKIN PATCH in which you’re sitting. It is in the center of a large swath of PARK LAND, not at all unlike the very first home of your dear ROSE. You are sat in the very center of the patch on some HARD TILLED SOIL, fresh and well-kept so that the HUGE PUMPKINS can grow NICE AND WELL. For a brief moment, the thought crosses your mind that PUMPKINS are hard orange spheres with lines on them - just like BASKETBALLS. You quickly dismiss the notion and return to your computer.

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 10:01 --
TG: hey brose
TG: you thete
TG: *there
TT: Yes, I am.
TT: Are you alright?
TG: yea ibn just fibe and fandy
TG: *fim fine danfy
TG: *dandy
TT: Are you drunk?
TT: The hell?
TT: I thought you were over this years ago.
TG: parnatly not
TG: can i tabk to dabe
TG: *dage
TG: *save
TG: *dave
TT: What? I mean, sure.
TT: I can come talk to you myself if you’d like.
TG: NO i
TG: needa talka dabe
TG: he has nt responded to me
TG: can you telk him
TG: *tell
TT: ...Fine. I will.
TT: But I’ll worry.
-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

Your LAPTOP is sitting on the ground in front of you, and you are hard at work. You’ve been typing for the last HOUR at least; all while taking regular swigs of the BOTTLE OF VODKA next to the computer. It is perhaps more accurately described as a BOTTLE FOR VODKA - there’s nothing but water in this thing. You are as SOBER AS A STONE, though fortunately you’ve still retained the talent for typing as if you’re TOTALLY HAMMERED. The DRUNKEN SWAGGER is an important part of this ruse - you aim to frame this meetup as some sort of INTERVENTION FOR YOURSELF, rather than a CONFRONTATION BY A DARING SLEUTH. This is mostly because you are ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN you are being watched by one of your dear friend JANE CROCKER’S SPIES, ready and waiting to inform her of whatever shit you do next. You are friends, yes, but ever since the last time you tried to BLOW UP HER COMPUTER (the most recent attempt) she has had someone with their eye on you - and now, as she’s on the ENEMY TEAM, you aren’t about to let whoever’s watching get any USEFUL INFORMATION. Your fervent typing slows to a gradual halt as you hear the crunch of soil behind you - it’s about time. You take a mental note of the TWO PAIRS OF FOOTSTEPS, but decide to speak up anyway.

ROXY: dave?
DAVE: uh yea its me
DAVE: rose said you asked for me
ROXY: i did
ROXY: sorry about that
ROXY: i was lyin
ROXY: but not about needin to talk to u
DAVE: what
DAVE: so whats up
ROXY: dave dearest
ROXY: i have been looking at the files for this game SDUNK
DAVE: oh shit you know about that too
ROXY: thanks to sollux now i do
ROXY: he sent me the information i would need
ROXY: hes a good programmer but im a better hacker :3
DAVE: how did you do that out loud
ROXY: aradia taught me!
ROXY: but anyway
ROXY: ive been looking at these files
ROXY: i cant edit them of course no one can anymore
ROXY: but i was able to get access again
ROXY: i would like to ask you something davey
ROXY: as a knight of time
DAVE: uh yeah?
ROXY: i found a file here
ROXY: a player log
ROXY: a lot of normal stuff here that all makes sense
ROXY: a bunch of names i do know
ROXY: dave john jade rose jake jane dirk
ROXY: roxy aka me
ROXY: jasprosesprite^2 davepetasprite^2 erisolsprite
ROXY: karkat vriska kanaya terezi aradia sollux
ROXY: calliope

DAVE is visibly nervous.

DAVE: where are you going with this?
ROXY: and also a bunch of names i dont know
ROXY: anserq dendra xerxis eloizi seqtan kavkat aagney felise ilivai fornax
ROXY: im guessin those are trolls
ROXY: maya colt cory leon lily clay dove cass anna finn
ROXY: and im guessin those are peeps
ROXY: those are all dated about today for session joinage
ROXY: more will probly be added as they play bball
ROXY: however theres one im unclear on
ROXY: its dated about a couple thousand years in the future
ROXY: do u have any idea what that could be?
DAVE: does it have a name attached
ROXY: no
ROXY: it doesnt
DAVE: i have no idea then
ROXY: dave u can tell the truth
ROXY: the spies can see us but they cant hear us
DAVE: the WHAT
ROXY: yea janey has some spies out for me
ROXY: its whatev ill deal with em :3
ROXY: but dont worry bout those for now
ROXY: what da hell is happenin
DAVE: ok roxy you gotta promise not to flip
DAVE: upon all that is sicknasty
DAVE: your honor as a homie and member of the derse team
ROXY: ok i prommy
DAVE: ok
DAVE: so lord english is on our team now
ROXY: WHAT
ROXY: like THE lord english???
DAVE: um no hes different now kinda
DAVE: he likes to play basketball?
LORD ENGLISH: I DO.
ROXY: WHAT!!!!!
ROXY: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE!!!!!
LORD ENGLISH: I WAS ALR-
ROXY: NO YOU FUCKING WERENT!!!!!
ROXY: JESUS
ROXY: ok
ROXY: WHAT
ROXY: are you fucking with me right now
DAVE: no
DAVE: swear upon my beats holy and ill
DAVE: he really wants to play basketball
DAVE: its some fucked up time shit as im sure you can guess
DAVE: universe said it wanted to try again after it failed with callie and caliborn
DAVE: made SDUNK to stop that
DAVE: but thats a paradox
DAVE: so now this motherfucker exists and he talks real loud
LORD ENGLISH: THAT IS ALL CORRECT.
DAVE: yea like that
ROXY: wtf
ROXY: ok
ROXY: well i wasnt expecting that
ROXY: and dammit theyve probably seen jolly green giant over here
LORD ENGLISH: I AM NOT JOLLY.
DAVE: no qualms with the rest?
ROXY: yea yea spshshsoshopshpsh both of you shut up

You sit down at your computer once again, deftly registering a few choice letter inputs and a SOLITARY FLICK of the ENTER KEY. JANE has protected her computer systems well, but every wall comes down eventually. You hear a distant explosion.

DAVE: did you just blow up janes computer again
ROXY: yep
DAVE: why
ROXY: dave i have multiple reasons for everythin i do
ROXY: reason number one because their guys prolly saw lord british already and were gonna tattle to janey
ROXY: reason number two its funny as hell
DAVE: fair enough
DAVE: by the way why did you have to be drunk for this
ROXY: so i could be sure youd show!
ROXY: i can tell youre nervous about this which is understandable
ROXY: having confronted demoniac mcmuscles here alone musta been crazy
ROXY: and so rose wouldnt think much of it ill be sure to tell her it was all an elaborate ruse tmrw
ROXY: and it was also so the spies wouldnt get sus of me while i was workin away at my computer
ROXY: theyd think i was just up to my bozo business

You were.

DAVE: aight i guess i understand
DAVE: what now
DAVE: are you gonna tell the others?
ROXY: depends
ROXY: are you gonna do it first
DAVE: um
DAVE: maybe
ROXY: assuming it doesnt happen on its own when literally anyone catches a singular peep of this fuckhueg greenways skullbeast
ROXY: sir you are built like a mountain wow
LORD ENGLISH: THANK YOU.
LORD ENGLISH: THIS FORM IS TYPICAL OF AN ADULT CHERUB.
LORD ENGLISH: IF ONLY I HAD MY WINGS.
DAVE: damn then youd look fly as hell
DAVE: hehe
LORD ENGLISH: AMUSING.
ROXY: seriously though you must be what
ROXY: five feet and two hundred inches?
LORD ENGLISH: SOMETHING OF THE SORT.
ROXY: tbh at this point my main prob is fairness here
ROXY: the tallest person i know is kanaya and shes like maybe six five
ROXY: meanwhile we can literally measure this guys height in stories
DAVE: how many
ROXY: two
ROXY: two stories
DAVE: shit thats a lot of storytelling
DAVE: at least its only two
ROXY: at least? dave hes about five times as tall as you
ROXY: you could fuckin climb him
DAVE: thats kinda rad actually
DAVE: but can you like shrink down or something
LORD ENGLISH: I CAN BECOME A SARCOPHAGUS.
DAVE: i see.
DAVE: ok hear me out
DAVE: what if we count him as multiple players
ROXY: like at once
ROXY: i like ur thinkin
ROXY: would he count as all five
DAVE: haha imagine
DAVE: the prospit team hits the court and hes just there alone
DAVE: first ever totally legal basketball five versus one
DAVE: they may have five players who can all ball hard
DAVE: but this motherfucker is so tall the hoop isnt even dick height
DAVE: it would be more effort to pick up the ball than dunk it
ROXY: i mean ive read the rules
ROXY: technically theres nothing against having a really tall player
ROXY: but i think we should do that for like
ROXY: sportsmanship?
DAVE: yes definitely
DAVE: okay i feel better about this now
DAVE: i was kinda psyched out cause its lord fucking english
ROXY: i totally understand dw
ROXY: i was quite terrified too our big man here looks quite scary
LORD ENGLISH: I AM.
ROXY: ya we know bud
ROXY: but glad i could help lol
ROXY: you two run along now
ROXY: imma blow up some more computers then gtfo
DAVE: ok sounds like a plan
LORD ENGLISH: GOODBYE.

You return to typing on your computer, and the PUMPKIN PATCH is filled with the sound of CHURNING GEARS as the LORD and his KNIGHT disappear in a flash of RED. You turn your attention back to the files - reading ahead just a little bit, you realize shit is about to get INCREDIBLY INTERESTING.

Your name is ANNA, and you have NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING. It is the SECOND QUARTER of your very first game in the EARTH C ULTIMATE BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT, and shit is ALREADY FUCKED beyond a SHADOW OF A DOUBT. Disregarding the fact that you have ENTIRELY NO CLUE how to play this sport, perhaps the more pressing matter is the VISUAL INTERFACE that has just appeared for you upon acquiral of the BALL. Luckily, as the other players stumble about dazily, you figure it’s probably happening to them too.

ANNA: what in fuck?
ANNA: th’hell’s goin’ on?
MAYA: What… what is this?
ANSERQ: WHAT thE fUck havE yoU donE
ELOIZI: Anserq I dont think this was them! =:0
ANNA: y’all ain’t do this neither?
ANSERQ: nO
ANSERQ: I donT fullY believE thaT yoU didnT thougH
COLT: WHAG HUH URGH

Struggling to get a sense of direction and stability, COLT trips over himself and gives the HARD COURT PAVEMENT a TENDER LOVING HEADBUTT. You stifle a laugh, but only because that could very well be you in a few moments.

ANSERQ: hahA noW I dO
SEQTAN: ***Every*ne calm d*wn, *kay?***
SEQTAN: ***What’s it telling y*u all t* d*?***
SEQTAN: ***Mine is asking me t* all*cate a strife specibus.***
DOVE: bladekind, riflekind… oh my.
DOVE: these are all weapons! OnO
DOVE: how can we possibly choose such violent things?
ANNA: oh, ‘r’you kiddin’?
ANNA: easy.

You reach into the waistband of your BASKETBALL SHORTS and withdraw your TRUSTY REVOLVER, brandishing it with an EXPERTLY PRACTICED TWIRL. As it comes to rest gripped firmly in your hand, you see bits of graphical data move about and click into place: the word PISTOLKIND flashes across your vision, finally sending the unusual green card shape away and freeing up a bit of your vision.

MAYA: WHAT!!!
MAYA: WHY DO YOU HAVE A GUN!!!
ANNA: i always carry one of these beauties.
AAGNEY: DURING A FUCKING BA5KETBALL GAME?
ANNA: i said always didn’ i?
MAYA: ANNA THERE ARE NO GUNS ALLOWED IN BASKETBALL!!!
ANNA: well i’d argue tha’s no longer tha case.
ANNA: in fact this has gone in mah favor mostly?
ANNA: im tha only one prepared for this shit.
FINN: You probably shouldnt be carrying WEAPONS though.
FINN: That seems KINDA unsafe.
COLT: oh thank Fugh
COLT: we cool with this kinda thing now??
ANSERQ: oH lorD whaT noW
COLT: apparently not
COLT: i will keep this to My Self then i think
MAYA: Colt, what did you choose?
COLT: promise you wont get mad
COLT: also NO follow up questions ok
MAYA: Okay.
COLT: so i got explosivekind

In a BLATANT DISPLAY of TOTAL DISREGARD FOR SPORTSMANSHIP, MAYA delivers a THOROUGH BONK to the top of COLT’s extremely durable head. As the rest of the players eventually seem to figure out which STRIFE SPECIBUS to choose, another prompt occurs: it appears to gather data from your thoughts and feelings for a few seconds before delivering a message. Evidently, you have been assigned the RANGER MODUS. From the brief description that flits across the screen, it appears you have to use its SPECIAL TOOL to access the CAPTCHALOGUED CARDS by accurately shooting the REPRESENTATIVE TARGETS. Appropriately, the aforementioned SPECIAL TOOL appears in your other hand. You drop the BALL.

MAYA: WHERE DID YOU GET ANOTHER ONE???
ANNA: this’s the best day’a my life.

It takes a FEW MINUTES, but everyone else eventually finds themselves a SPECIBUS and MODUS of a fitting theme. The process finishes, and there is an audible whir: you realize the BASKETBALL is FUCKING GLOWING. Before you get a chance to do something ENTIRELY OUTRAGEOUS, a voice thunders across the court.

JAKE: Now now everyone calm down!
JAKE: This has all gotten a little bit out of hand i think.
JAKE: Dont worry because all this is supposed to happen!
JAKE: I went through the same thing when i was your age!
JAKE: Its up to you guys now though to move this process forward!
JAKE: Just go ahead and pick it up and play some good old baskets!

Tentatively, you reach for the ball, CAPTCHALOGUING your TRUSTY REVOLVER and stowing the MODUS TOOL; as your hands connect with it, there is an energy about it that courses through you. It is like lightning and fire, wind and rain. Creation, destruction. Space, time, hope, rage, light, void, mind, heart, blood, breath, life, doom. Everything and nothing all at once. It is a BASKETBALL to end all basketball: it is the essence of SDUNK. As this power moves through you and is set free by the motion of the ball, you feel it travel almost as if it is the very center of the universe. Watching this unfold, from an ivory tower up on high, is someone outside the center of her own universe - and almost at the core of a BIG-ASS MYSTERY.

Your name is JANE. You are sitting at your FANCY DESK in your HUGE OFFICE, reading reports on a TOP-OF-THE-LINE COMPUTER; this is your JOB, but it is not your true DUTY. Your true heart belongs to SLEUTHING: unraveling mysteries one bit at a time and working them ALL THE WAY DOWN to the VERY LAST TACK on your CORK BOARD OF INFORMATIONAL ORGANIZATION. On this very day, you are rather close to uncovering a mystery very close to you: you are almost positive that some UNIVERSALLY GAME-CHANGING BULLSHIT is about to happen. You have not yet been told by any of your friends about this, so you are only to assume that they DO NOT KNOW YET - or anyone who does know JACK SHIT about this INSANE OCCURRENCE is just ON THE OTHER FUCKING TEAM.

You click through a few files and begin the loading of a transmission. It reached your COMPUTER’S ADDRESS through the CROCKERCORP SERVERS mere seconds ago - it is the last message this iteration of the servers will be able to send. This is not a clear-cut fact, of course, but the sound of the FIRE ALARM a few stories down gives you confident that your theory is correct. More importantly, it is almost entirely perfect confirmation that ROXY LALONDE is involved in this scheme, given that BLOWING UP CROCKER COMPUTERS is one of her most memorable MODI OPERANDI. As slow as the file is to load, you are grateful that it was able to make it there at all given the girl’s skill with computers; fortunately, it seems you managed to hire some rather sharp-witted spies. Doing such has always been an issue when ROXY is involved, as she always seems to be one step ahead of whatever genius tactics you employ. (You even tried LASER-SIGHTED SNIPERS once as an intimidation tactic - she then began regularly associating herself with DAVEPETASPRITE^2 and JASPROSESPRITE^2, who are both entirely too good at spotting LASER DOTS and SWATTING AT THEM AGGRESSIVELY.) You are not enemies at the moment, of course, but you always want to be ready in case she ever decides that you need to be - or if she just wants to have a little bit of fun.

The computer DINGS QUIETLY and the program enters FULL-SCREEN MODE, displaying the image in the highest resolution it can manage. It is taken with a ZOOMED-IN CAMERA, and the picture appears to be HEAVILY DISTORTED somehow - whether that is a side effect of the file’s arrival or an actual part of the image, you are not sure. Using the program’s limited tools, you toy with the image’s settings for a couple minutes until it finally looks REMOTELY VIEWABLE. You are able to make out two figures (ROXY, of course, and given the abundance of burgundy tones presumably DAVE) and the GIANT PUMPKINS surrounding them, as well as the LUSH GREEN of the surrounding wilderness. Staring at each part of the image intently, you slowly piece together a series of absurd ideas in your head. Most of them are absurd, but a horrible feeling begins to rise in your chest as it clicks solidly into place: not all of that LUSH GREEN is actually JUST WILDERNESS - some of it has a FUCKING JERSEY ON.

You do away with the image program and begin typing furiously into the most reliable TEXTUAL COMMUNICATIONS PROGRAM on the market. You think first to contact DIRK, your closest friend, but you quickly remember that he’s on the DERSE SLAMMERS - hell, given what you’ve just seen, there are decent odds that he’s ALREADY IN ON IT. You try to contact JAKE next, but he does not respond; he’s busy watching over the active TOURNAMENT MATCH. Your most reliable options ALREADY EXHAUSTED, you reach out to your NEXT CLOSEST RELATIVE.

-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 10:14 --
GG: Hello, John. Are you available to talk?
EB: uh, yeah, i guess so!
EB: a lot is happening right now.
EB: is it more bad news?
GG: It’s open to interpretation, I suppose.
GG: Oh, who am I kidding? Yes. It is.
EB: wait, just to be sure.
EB: you aren’t about to tell me about SDUNK, are you?
EB: because dave already did that.
GG: SDUNK?
EB: uh oh.
EB: yeah, that’s kind of a big one.
EB: maybe you should go first?
GG: My news is also very immense.
GG: Perhaps we should type it at the same time?
EB: how would we time that out?
GG: Oh, whatever. Let’s just say it.
EB: ok.
EB: three.
EB: two.
EB: one.
GG: Lord English is on Earth C, and he has apparently joined the Derse Slammers’ basketball team.
EB: another game has started that’ll end the world, but this time it’s about basketball.
EB: WHAT.
GG: Excuse me?
EB: okay, yeah, you’re explaining this first.
EB: you’re not joking, right?
EB: watermelon musclebones is on the derse slammers?
EB: doesn’t he want to destroy all of us?
GG: In order: yes, yes, and yes.
GG: I have about as much information as you do about this.
GG: The only evidence for this is a photograph I’ve been sent.
GG: Roxy and Dave chatting in a pumpkin patch, alongside our very own Angel of Double Death.
EB: what the hell?
EB: i just talked to dave earlier.
EB: he explained all this SDUNK shit to me and jade and rose.
EB: and now hes in cahoots with lord goddamn english?
GG: Yes, this is extremely concerning.
GG: Though, now it’s your turn to explain.
GG: SDUNK?
EB: right.
EB: so you know how sburb is a video game that makes a new universe?
EB: just sorta the way it happens i guess?
EB: well its happening in this one too.
EB: except.
EB: its basketball.
GG: I don’t suppose it has anything to do with the Earth C Ultimate Basketball Tournament we’re participating in?
EB: yeah bingo.
EB: i think we’re kinda signed up for it all already because of that.
GG: Interesting. As winning players, are we supposed to be able to play in another game like this?
GG: We made this world, but have the creators gone on to play another game before?
GG: It didn’t happen with the trolls in our universe the first way through, of course, and it certainly didn’t with whatever made their universe before them.
EB: uh, i think it was the squiddles.
GG: ...Like the cartoon?
EB: like the cartoon.
GG: I’m not sure about that.
GG: But either way, this is not looking particularly good for us.
GG: We’re about to enter our second game of universal recreation as the gods of the one before it, and among our most direct rivals is the cherub-demon who wants to wreck us supremely.
EB: yeah, this is not good.
EB: should i tell the others?
GG: I haven’t been able to reach anyone else yet.
GG: I have a bit of business to attend to.
GG: It may be worthwhile to talk to a few others.
GG: Just make sure it doesn’t get back over to the Slammers.
EB: alright. thanks for telling me.
GG: Likewise. Good luck. :B
-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

Standing up from your computer, you wander over to the edge of the office, looking out through the THICK GLASS. The sun is shining down hard, but peering down at the SPRAWLING CITY BELOW you can see an ENORMOUS CROWD gathered around an urban park: at the eye of the swirling vortex of CONFUSED and EXCITED citizens is a BASKETBALL COURT, alight with a WHITE MACHINERY and MYSTICAL ENERGY. Training your sight (and your SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS) on the site, you watch the events of the game with deep intent.

Your name is DENDRA, and you are FUCKING SCARED. But an hour earlier you were ready and excited to FINALLY TRY BASKETBALL, and perhaps demonstrate your IMPRESSIVE NIMBLENESS, but this is not in the ABSOLUTE GODDAMN SLIGHTEST what you had expected. The visual data artifacts clouding your vision were enough, forcing you to choose whatever the hell a STRIFE SPECIBUS is (you chose SHEARKIND), and assigning you some kind of FETCH MODUS (you were given the TANGLE MODUS). But this is right and proper hell. With every point scored, each shot sunk and throw swished, the game board has progressed further. White machines have appearified themselves around you, as if built out of nothing but THIN AIR and the MAGIC OF DUNKS. On an IRRITATED WHIM, your TEAM CAPTAIN ANSERQ attempted to AGGRIEVE one of the larger machines as a way to vent his UNDERSTANDABLE FRUSTRATION. This was of ABSOLUTELY NO HELP, as the force of his attacks was apparently enough to CRACK THE THING OPEN, unleashing a SECOND BALL - this one made of a translucent blue crystal - and some kind of NIGHTMARISH SPIRIT that has called itself a KERNELCOACH. After repeated requests for someone to PROTOPASS to it, it was then (in a similar fashion to its place of origin) VIOLENTLY ACCOSTED by one of your stronger allies by manner of THROWING A TEAMMATE AT IT. This plan, or lack thereof, has since resulted in your communications with FORNAXCOACH, a confusingly named WEIRD FUCKING THING that is seemingly a combination of the SCARY ASS FLICKER ORB and your LIVING FRIEND. He talks in METAPHORS AND BULLSHIT now, but those are practically your specialty anyway - and it’s not much different from his NORMAL BEHAVIORS. While the THIRD QUARTER OF THE GAME transpires, you’re taking a break on the bench to talk with your NEW GHOST FRIEND.

DENDRA: 3uh3fornax3ar33you3okay3
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS??
DENDRA: 3i3think3your33a3scary3ghost3now
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( SO I AM.
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( AH!!
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( I BELIEVE I UNDERSTAND.
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( IT WOULD SEEM I AM NOW SOME SORT OF SPIRIT.
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( THERE IS A VAST STORE OF KNOWLEDGE WITHIN MY MIND!!
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( BUT IT IS LIMITED BY MY OWN CONSCIENCE.
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( I CANNOT BE OUTRIGHT WITH THE TRUTH OF THIS GAME.
DENDRA: 3you3gotta3sp3ak3in3riddl3s3?
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( SPOT ON DENDRA!!
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( I WILL GUIDE YOU WITH THE SECRETS OF ALCHEMY.
DENDRA: 3fornax3that3sounds3dang3rous3
DENDRA: 3lik33v3ry3if3your3past3alch3my33nd3avors3ar333vid3nc333nough
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( WHAT.
DENDRA: 33xtr3m3ly3dang3rous3
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( WELL NO NEED TO WORRY.
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( THE FIRST STEP IT WOULD SEEM INVOLVES THE CRYSTAL.
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( DO YOU HAVE IT?
DENDRA: 3y3s3
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( YS?
DENDRA: 3i3do3
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( IT IS KIND OF HARD TO UNDERSTAND YOU YOU KNOW.
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( CAN YOU PERHAPS SPEAK LOUDER?
DENDRA: 3 i 3 got 3 it 3 okay 3
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( OKAY!
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( THAT IS YOUR CRUXITE BASKETBALL.
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( YOU MUST DECREPITATE IT.
DENDRA: 3 th3 3 fuck 3 do3s 3 that 3 m3an 3
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( PUT IT IN THE MACHINE ON THE HALF COURT LINE, AS WELL AS THE PRE-PUNCHED CARD LAYING THERE ON THE LEFT SHORT CORNER OF OUR SIDE OF THE COURT.
DENDRA: 3 right 3 now 3?
FORNAXCOACH: <[=]( YUP.

Hesitantly, you stand up with the CRUXITE BASKETBALL in your hands. You see the active half of your team up and about, dodging around the UNUSUAL MACHINES and still striving for those NOBLE POINTS - and with each score, the board develops further, so you don’t have A LOT OF TIME to make your CURRENT PLAY. Glancing across its width, you see you have a POTENTIAL CHALLENGER: a HUMAN PLAYER is holding a similar CRUXITE BASKETBALL. It looks like they made the SAME MISTAKE that your team did (albeit likely in a less AERIALLY CONCUSSIVE MANNER): a COACHSPRITE is floating next to the player, carrying the COLORATION and VOCAL CADENCE of one of their own FORMERLY HUMAN TEAMMATES. Determined to do well for your team and not about to let this stop you, you wait for a moment when BOTH SIDES are clear of the CENTER STAGE and you go for it.

In the ensuing rush, you’re able to slam the CRYSTALLINE BLUE BALL into the machine - what more EXPERIENCED PLAYERS might know as a TOTEM LATHE. Leaving it there for a moment, you make a MAD WEAVE around the teams as they follow the ball down the court, using your LANKY-ASS ARMS to turn about and swoop up the PRE-PUNCHED CARD in one fluid motion. As you turn, your eyes lock on the OTHER CHALLENGER - having gone for their CARD first, they’ve made it to the TOTEM LATHE and are attempting to knock your CRUXITE BALL free to place theirs in its stead. Striding hastily back over to the center, you use your LONG-FORM BODILY BUILD to interpose yourself between them and the machine, slamming the PRE-PUNCHED CARD into the slot in the short window you get. You hear a loud whir, and the LATHE begins to carve the proper PATTERNED LINES and HOLY B-BALL SIGILS. Before they get a chance to interrupt the process, you turn yourself to the AGGRESSOR - bobbing about and making steps in advance towards them, you engage them in a PSEUDO-STRIFE for just a few moments. It is quickly brought to an end by the approach of the ACTIVE PLAYERS, who draw so near in the stampede across the court that your aggressor is forced to DODGE-ROLL away even further from the center.

There is a DING, a CLICK, and your CRUXITE BALL is ejected in its final form, sailing through the air and - with a little effort - straight into your hands. You see ANSERQ, in possession of the ball, wind up and MAKE HIS SHOT: as it sails through the hoop and hits the court below, raising your team’s score ever so slightly, a NEW MACHINE manifests itself from the ground at the opposing team’s THROW-IN LINE. It is a large PLATFORM with a MECHANICAL ARM attached, and a small INTERFACE to control whatever dubious purpose this machine serves. Glancing at FORNAXCOACH, he NODS TRIUMPHANTLY, and you make a break for the next step in the journey. Though you have to dodge around both teams a few times in order to progress across the court, your actions this time go unimpeded (as the other player is still distracted trying to CARVE THEIR BASKETBALL): you roll the ball onto the platform and hit the BIGGEST, REDDEST BUTTON on the CONTROL PANEL. The mechanical arm stirs into motion and TRANSFORMS YOUR BALL - it is still the same deep blue as it was, but it is now FULLY RUBBER instead of HEAVY CRYSTAL; additionally, the TROLL SOVEREIGN CONQUEST LOGO has been carved into it betwixt COMPLEX SPIROGRAPH PATTERNS. Its completion is announced with a DEEP MECHANICAL BUZZ that echoes across the court. Much to your surprise, it is met but a second later by the SAME BUZZ, and you see that the HUMANS’ CRUXITE BALL is also complete.

There is a surge of motion as the ACTIVE BALL - in the hands of one of the HUMAN PLAYERS - releases a pulse of energy and DISAPPEARS. As that pulse is carried across the court, both CRUXITE BASKETBALLS are launched high into the air: the team captains scramble to catch their respective ball, disregarding the other team entirely for this newly announced objective. In a moment of what would seem to be an UNSPOKEN TRUCE, both teams part and make a break for the other’s HOOP, rushing to make the GNARLIEST PLAY YET SEEN BY MAN. At the URGENT WARNINGS of both KERNELCOACHES, the rest of the players from the sidelines flood on to the court in pursuit of the MYTHICAL SCHMOVE.

You watch as it happens in perfect synchronicity, two opposing forces moving as if reflected across the HALF-COURT LINE. There are others watching, as well. JAKE ENGLISH and CALLIOPE are watching from just nearby, eager yet terrified to see what this will bring. JANE CROCKER is watching from a distant tower, observing the next turn in this exciting new mystery. ROXY LALONDE is watching through each new break in the code, every point scored logged on a distant cosmic data server and loaded right into a dinky laptop. DIRK STRIDER and SOLLUX CAPTOR are watching from a nearby rooftop, taking mental note of every little movement in case it needs to be recreated in exactity. The news channels have turned to this game - initially a simple match to kick off the rest of the EARTH C ULTIMATE BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT, now a BREAKING STORY of MAGICAL MECHANICALITY. Both teams pull across the court in a weaving curve, dodging the others in a COMPLEX MOTION just to bring them back to their OWN BASKET. With a LEAP, a FLICK, and a PERFECT MOTION OF THE EXTENDED ARM, both balls enter the hoops simultaneously and the MOBIUS CRUXITE DOUBLEDUNK is complete. The last thing you see and hear before your vision is entirely consumed by a brilliant white light is the SHATTERING OF TWO BACKBOARDS.

You awaken somewhere different after freshly-fading visions of PURPLE TOWERS. You are somewhere new, somewhere cold. With a shard of BASKETBALL COURT DEBRIS beneath you, you slowly come into consciousness - the FLOURESCENT LIGHT buzzing above your head pleasantly welcomes you back into the real world. You are surrounded by COLD CONCRETE and METAL PIPES, twisted into CLAUSTROPHOBIC TUNNELS and TIGHT MAIN ROOMS that wind and weave around themselves into a LABYRINTHIAN COMPLEX of BUNKERSPACES. Adjusted now to its condition, you soon come to realize that you can hear FAINT MUSIC echoing everywhere you go. Though it sounds of HIGH TEMPO and EXCITING LYRIC, most of the time it is barely louder than the beating of your own PUMP BISCUIT - as such, it is a haunting accompaniment to your silent travels. Alone in this odyssey of yours, you wander aimlessly through these abandoned yet still-functioning shelters until finally, what must be HOURS after your gentle awakening, you find a hatch door. You climb the ladder to reach it and, mustering all the strength you can, it falls open against the rocky surface of what’s beyond. A wave of BLAZING HOT AIR strikes you as the seal is broken, a heat that you have never known before in all your nearly NINE SWEEPS OF LIFE. Above in what you can only guess to be the SKY, you see ENORMOUS CHUNKS OF ROCK raining down, encapsulated in flame. As each strikes the surface of the planet, a CHUNK OF EQUAL SIZE is sent rocketing into the atmosphere above, destined to inevitably rain back down and continue the eternal chain of skyfall. One strikes near, and the STURDY BUNKER beneath you gives little more than the slightest rumble. As the surface is clearly DEADLY TO TRAVERSE, you decide to retreat into the shelter and continue your exploration - but not before taking one last look at the DARK, STARLESS SKY. Through the raining earth and flame, above the distant music that sweeps the rockstruck surface, you see its name there in the sky, written like a bold declaration.

You are on the LAND OF SLAMS AND JAMS.

Your name is SKAIA. You are the nexus of all reality, the monad point through which a new world will eventually be made. Within you there are infinite realities, one of which will be chosen by the ULTIMATE ALCHEMY to serve as the catalyst for the maturation of the GENESIS FROG. At the center of every single INCIPISPHERE, in every single session of the universal game that has ever ran and ever will run, you are there. Though you do not ACT, you do KNOW - you observe and learn as every session begins and ends. Your clouds see (and, on occasion, reveal) everything that has ever happened, in future, present, and past. You open the defense portals to defend yourself each and every time THE RECKONING begins, destroying the host planet of the session in an unavoidable act of sacrificial tragedy. You have stood silently by and watched the sessions of the HUMANS and the TROLLS and the CHERUBS; all of which began and ended as a confusing paradox of motion and destruction, a VAST ERROR that swept the reaches of the FURTHEST RING in a whirlwind of chaos. You have seen the cyclical creation of a billion billion billion billion billion realities, perfectly flawed in their setup, execution, and genesis, and yet this is WHOLLY NEW.

You are also SHAPED LIKE... A BASKETBALL?

You are not worthy of the divine knowledge it takes to know whether or not this is a consequence of DEEP CORRUPTION OF THE PROGRAM, or an act of FLAGRANT DEFIANCE OF THE STANDARD; either way, you are in no way decided on what to make of it. You will continue to do as you have always done: spin at the center of the MEDIUM, the LAST BASTION of LIGHT as the SHELL PROTECTING THE BATTLEFIELD. You will also watch. Moments ago, two parallel worlds have just been created within your sight. Planets that have existed for mere seconds, and which both already hold a rich history that stretches back for an eternity’s worth. They orbit opposite each other on a perfectly straight axis around you, rivals in every sense. One planet is the LAND OF SLAMS AND JAMS. It is durable, it is ancient, it is haunted. It is the concrete foundation beneath the court, the metal that runs up and through the hoop and holds it sturdy. The other planet is the LAND OF BALLS AND RUBBER. It is fresh, it is dangerous, it is alive. It is the ball that strikes the ground with every dribble, the sneakers that squeak after every step and turn and minute movement. Though their nature is new to you, their theme consistent across the entirety of space, it is not surprising in the slightest. As GOLDEN TOWERS sweep through your clouds, your sight falls upon the MOON of the YELLOW PLANET of the KINGDOM OF LIGHT - but this time, it has another name. Similarly, past the furthest ring, at the very edge of what it is possible for you to know, swings by the PURPLE TOWERS of the DARK KINGDOM’s SHADOWED PLANET and its MOON. They are as ancient as you, having existed in every session, and yet altered on a basic level by this new form of game. They are ALLEY-OOPROSPIT and OVER-THE-HEADERSE. You find these names almost offensive to the most basic nature of the cosmos, but you are not one to stand in the way of change - you are an observer, and nothing more. As the BATTLEFIELD deep within you begins to develop via the prototypings of the first HUMAN and TROLL teams to enter your MEDIUM, you turn your eyes to the planets, watching as the first players awaken. Outside your sphere of vision, however, things continue ever onward.

Your name is JOHN. You are a little bit STARTLED, given your close relative JANE has just informed you that LORD ENGLISH, the SWORN ENEMY of just about EVERYONE YOU KNOW, the DEMON DESTINED TO DESTROY REALITY, is WORKING FOR THE OTHER TEAM. And also that he wants to PLAY SOME BASKET BALL, which would have been startling had you not heard that word about fifty times in the past TWO DAYS. You figure that everything may as well be BASKET BALL at this point - the whole damn planet could be one for all you care! (A thought somehow entirely independent of the existence of the LAND OF BALLS AND RUBBER.) You have rushed to tell your sister JADE about this information at her home. However, you somehow managed to forget that she also lives with DAVE STRIDER, one of your closest bros and also the MOTHER FUCKER who was seen in CAHOOTS WITH ENGLISH in the first place! Using the powers of BREATH, your body ceases to be as the wind and becomes corporeal once more, landing gently on the front lawn outside her residence - rather inconveniently right in between HER and DAVE.

JOHN: hey guys!
JADE: hey john!
JADE: good time to drop in actually!
JADE: i was just having a chat with dave here!
DAVE: yeah thats true
DAVE: i think she was boutta go the hell off actually
DAVE: you kinda saved me dude thank you
JOHN: oh.
JOHN: sorry, jade.
JOHN: but uh, i assume it’s about the same thing i’m here for?
JADE: almost certainly.
JOHN: dave, how could you?
JOHN: lord english? for real?
LORD ENGLISH: YES. FOR REAL.
JOHN: HOLY SHIT i thought he was a tree, oh my god!
JOHN: so it’s true! what the hell?
DAVE: honestly guys look its chill
DAVE: he wants to ball
JADE: and why should we trust him?
JADE: he tried to kill literally all of us!!
DAVE: succeeded a coupla times actually
DAVE: but like this ones different
JOHN: because he likes basket ball now?
DAVE: n
DAVE: no theres other reasons
JOHN: like?
DAVE: tell them what you told me dude
LORD ENGLISH: I CAN TURN INTO A SARCOPHAGUS.
DAVE: ok yeah he showed me that its pretty cool but no the other thing
LORD ENGLISH: I HAVE NO WISH TO KILL ANY OF YOU HUMANS.
DAVE: or trolls right
LORD ENGLISH: OR TROLLS.
LORD ENGLISH: I AM SOMETHING NEW, AND I OWE MY CONTINUED EXISTENCE TO SDUNK.
LORD ENGLISH: SO I WILL HONOR IT BY PLAYING BALL.
LORD ENGLISH: WITH YE’LL.
DAVE: close its yall but good try
JADE: dave are you just buddies with this guy now???
JOHN: yeah you guys are past cahoots.
JOHN: this is borderline friend ship.
JADE: dangerously close to a friend cruise ship.
DAVE: look man i dont know what to tell you
DAVE: also im kind of his guardian
DAVE: not in like a dad way though
DAVE: like how a zookeeper takes care of a lion and theyre kinda buds
DAVE: but ultimately the zookeeper is mostly aiming to make the lion not maim everyone else
JOHN: why not just set the lion off back into the wild then if it’s so dangerous?
DAVE: he likes basketball
JOHN: right.
DAVE: also if he tries anything funny i go kick caliborn on the ass so hard his head pops
JADE: thats a little reassuring at least.
JADE: but how can we be sure he really only wants to ball?
LORD ENGLISH: I WILL PROVE IT WITH MY SKILLS.
LORD ENGLISH: WE WILL ENGAGE IN A GAME OF HOOFBEAST.
DAVE: oh yo horse?
JADE: where?
JOHN: like the basket ball game.
JOHN: you try to make shots from a spot after someone makes it in.
JOHN: but that’s way too easy!
JOHN: he’s so tall the hoop isn’t even at his butt!
DAVE: i have an idea
JOHN: please tell me it wasn’t inspired by what i just said.
DAVE: in part
DAVE: jade can you like
DAVE: shrink him
DAVE: make this fucker small
DAVE: compress his skelly ass
JADE: um, i can try?

Backing away from you and DAVE, JADE faces the CHERUB and holds up her fingers in two right angles, forming a rectangle in the absent space between them. She fixes it around LORD ENGLISH and closes one eye, staring at him through the rectangular space. There is a ripple of spatial distortion as she moves her fingers closer together and, lo and behold, the LORD begins to SHRINK. She stops after only a few moments as her fingers touch, closing the rectangle. He is left at a mere QUARTER OF HIS FORMER SIZE - of course, given how MASSIVELY HUGELARGE he was before, that means he’s still SIX FEET TALL. It is a considerable improvement, however, as in order to make eye contact you are no longer forced to STARE UP AT HIM as if you were watching a PLANE GO BY, or perhaps a PARTICULARLY COOL CLOUD. He does not seem bothered by this change; you imagine partly because all of his RIDICULOUS MUSCULATURE is still intact and perfectly to scale. Though he remains BUFF BEYOND REASON, the reduction in his COLOSSAL HEIGHT is enough for you to consider it fair.

DAVE: well damn that really worked
JOHN: let’s do this, then!
DAVE: yeah sure
DAVE: we gotta make it quick though
DAVE: the next two teams face off in an hour or so

As the game is now ready to commence, DAVE leads the three of you to an open parking lot and produces a BASKETBALL HOOP from his sylladex (does he just carry one of those on him at all times?) and hangs it on the wall of the adjacent building. He also provides the BALL, handed to you after a couple successful TEST DRIBBLES to ensure that its time spent as ARCHIVED PHYSICAL DATA did not REDUCE ITS BOUNCE. You square up, ready to go first - it’s time to PLAY BALL. Speaking of those...

Your name is LILY. You are one of the ten members of the HUMAN SOVEREIGN CONFINED BASKETBALL TEAM, and you have just been startled awake after a brief time spent dreaming of YELLOW SPIRES. As you blink and rub your eyes, you take in your surroundings: you appear to be on the inside of a LEATHER HUT, having seemingly been laid on a NOT PARTICULARLY COMFORTABLE but nevertheless DECENTLY-MADE COT in your sleep. It takes a minute or two of sitting still and drowsily rubbing your eyes for it to properly settle in: where the FUCK ARE YOU? The memories of the BASKETBALL GAME and the MOBIUS CRUXITE DOUBLEDUNK come rushing back to you piece by piece, and you slowly start to grow more distressed as you consider what the hell you and your team might have just done. First and foremost, however, you stand up and PAT YOURSELF DOWN - you’re wearing your ORANGE BASKETBALL UNIFORM still, and your whole body is in one uninjured piece. It does not take long for this to wrap around and FREAK YOU THE FUCK OUT, however, as these uniforms DO NOT HAVE POCKETS, and you certainly were not HOLDING ANYTHING when the FATED DUNK occurred, so you are now in an entirely unfamiliar place with absolutely ZILCH to your name. Slightly distressed, you push through the flap door of the hut and step through to the outside. As you feel the COLD OUTSIDE AIR, you take a look around and see a peculiar sight. You are in a VILLAGE OF HUTS similar to the one you just awoke in, occupied by what appear to be LITTLE ORANGE CROCODILES. They hop and skitter about, doing CUTE LITTLE CROCODILE THINGS and making sounds to one another that are in equal measure ADORABLY ENDEARING and ANNOYING AS HELL. As you listen to their peculiar squabbling, you hear the sound of a HUMAN VOICE above the reptilian chatter. Following it straight to its source, a wave of relief washes over your heart - it’s someone you recognize.

CLAY: uh Huh
CLAY: okay i think I Get It
CROCODILE: naknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknak
CLAY: oh i was Told Differently by the first Crocodile I Met
CLAY: are you Sure About That?
CROCODILE: naknaknaknak
CROCODILE: nak
CLAY: mhm
CLAY: yeah that Makes Sense To Me
CLAY: thank you!
LILY: CLAY is that you?
LILY: oh thank GOD.
CLAY: uh oh
CLAY: Hello Lily!
CLAY: its good to See You Awake!
CROCODILE: naknaknaknaknaknaknak
CLAY: oh yes Franklin Thinks So Too!
LILY: is this guys name FRANKLIN?
LILY: can you actually like understand him?
CLAY: lily this is My Specialty!!
CLAY: you know how many Books On Consort Language ive read?
LILY: too many?
CLAY: yeah!!
FRANKLIN: naknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknak
FRANKLIN: naknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknak
LILY: whats he saying?
CLAY: well he Wants Me To Tell You what happened!
LILY: sure I guess.
CLAY: so the Both Of Us turned up outside these guys village
CLAY: they Took Us In very kindly
CLAY: as consorts are Known To Be of course!
CLAY: we werent Hurt At All thankfully
CLAY: but weve been here a Few Days Since Then!
LILY: damn really?
LILY: was I out that long?
CLAY: yeah
CLAY: did you know You Sleep Walk by the way?
FRANKLIN: naknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknak
CLAY: yes i will Make Sure She Learns dont worry man
LILY: what.
CLAY: yeah you were Very Weird While Asleep
CLAY: you Punched A Couple Crocs
CLAY: and you nearly Walked Right Out of town!
LILY: I dont believe that.
LILY: IVE always been a peaceful sleeper!
CLAY: lily i Dont Believe That at all
CLAY: i dont mean to Be Rude Of Course but you arent even peaceful when youre Standing Wide Awake let alone asleep
LILY: okay maybe.
LILY: sorry about that then.
FRANKLIN: naknaknaknaknaknaknak
CLAY: he Forgives You!
LILY: thank you FRANKLIN!
LILY: anyway CLAY do you like know anything about this place?
CLAY: oh yes ive Learned A Lot from these lovely crocs!
CLAY: first and foremost this is the Land of Balls and Rubber!
LILY: it’s...
LILY: the LAND of BALLS and RUBBER?
CLAY: yup!
LILY: is it made... of...
CLAY: the Whole Thing Is yes!
CLAY: in fact its Three Of Them!
CLAY: see its divided into Three Separate Layers, based on the material of the ball
CLAY: theres leather And Then The synthetic leather And Lastly The rubber!
CLAY: they used to be Completely Divided Up, but ever since the Great Rip theyve been open to each other.
LILY: whats the GREAT RIP?
CLAY: beats me!
CLAY: i think it might be Some Sort Of Thing like presidents day where no one really knows what it is or how it started?
FRANKLIN: naknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknak
FRANKLIN: naknaknaknaknaknaknaknak
FRANKLIN: naknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknak
CLAY: wait really?
CLAY: how Do You Know what presidents day is??
CLAY: thats some Ancient Earth C Mythology stuff
FRANKLIN: naknaknaknaknak
FRANKLIN: naknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknak
FRANKLIN: naknaknak
CLAY: and he was The Peanut Butter Guy Right?
FRANKLIN: naknak
FRANKLIN: naknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknak
CLAY: oh.
FRANKLIN: naknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknak
FRANKLIN: naknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknak
CLAY: and What Does The D stand for
FRANKLIN: naknaknaknaknak
FRANKLIN: naknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknak
CLAY: alrighty that Was Very Illustrative thank you!
CLAY: well franklin delizard roosevelt here is apparently an expert in Presidents Day Affairs!
CLAY: not Particularly Useful To Us but its very cool!
F.D.R.: nak
LILY: huh.
LILY: yeah like thanks MISTER ROOSEVELT.
LILY: but um what do we do now?
CLAY: i say We Should Get to exploring this place!
CLAY: hopefully find the Other Members Of Our Team

United, you depart from the CROCODILE VILLAGE, bound for the furthest expanses of the LAND OF BALLS AND RUBBER. The terrain is easy to navigate - if not annoyingly bouncy - and you have little trouble getting across it as you traverse between ODD RUBBER STRUCTURES and LARGE SPHERICAL MONUMENTS. Eventually, after what must have been hours of travel, you come across an ENORMOUS METAL BUILDING with what can only be a SATELLITE DISH on top. It takes the two of you a few minutes of AGGRESSIVE KICKING to knock the door open, at which point you’re able to weasel your way through the opening you’ve made with SIGNIFICANT DIFFICULTY. You succeed, though, and in the hallway you land in it is REFRESHINGLY COOL. You can hear the rumble of a generator deep beneath the floor, gently humming in an ebb and flow of volume that matches the flicker of the fading lights. Through it and into a CENTRAL CHAMBER, you and CLAY are left flush as an ORANGE LIGHT powers on: blinking at it for a moment, you come to realize that it is a COMPUTER SCREEN. Sitting down at the sole chair in front of it, you shake the MOUSE to awaken the screen and begin trying to open any and all programs you can. After about a HALF AN HOUR of messing around with FILES AND EXECUTABLES, CLAY gently pushes you out of the way and grabs control of the mouse: within SECONDS they have figured out how to open its communications program. Tentatively exploring the menus it has to offer, they are prompted with a login. On a daring whim, you wrest control of the KEYBOARD and punch in your ACCOUNT INFORMATION for the messaging application you use on your phone back at home - much to your surprise, it works. Though they are slightly annoyed by this, CLAY is able to guide you towards the MEMO option, which will allow anyone on your team to respond.

-- arborealAlkahest [AA] opened memo on team CONFINED --
AA: hey?
AA: is anyone from EARTH there?
AA: or anyone at all I guess?
turntableAeronaut [TA] responded to memo.
TA: Hey. This is Vargas reporting in. Lost in a field of basketballs. Over.
AA: oh hi LEON!
TA: Hello. How are you Lt. Khadia? Over.
AA: IM good! CLAY is here also.
AA: we found a computer in like some big old ass building.
AA: what about you?
TA: Managed to put my cell phone in my Hangar Modus before you did the dunk. Still getting a signal, apparently. Over.
AA: well thats totally great.
AA: you seen anyone else?
TA: Nope. Over.
goldenGunslinger [GG] responded to memo.
GG: hey
GG: what up
TA: General Wrasse? Is that you? Over.
GG: nope!!
GG: its colt here >:)
GG: she gave me control of the computer!!
AA: why the hell would she give it to you COLT?
GG: moster
AA: moster?
TA: You got a bogey on you? Over.
TA: Why aren’t you helping Anna? Over.
GG: she has a GUN i do NOT
GG: ill give it back to her i prom
GG: UH OH
AA: uh oh.
TA: Are you in need of assistance? Over.
AA: i thought you were lost in a field of basketballs?
TA: It’s the thought that counts. Over.
GG: okay its all good
GG: it was very close but fortunately i mmmmmnhyftgdrfsecrw
GG: That’s enough’a him.
GG: We’re safe now. Shot th’ thang right between the eyes.
TA: Hello General. Was it a basketball monster? Over.
GG: No. It was big, had a wide ‘n’ toothy face. Too many legs.
GG: Got somethin’ when it bit the dust.
AA: huh what is it?
GG: Dust, actually.
GG: Some kinda Chalk?
cannonadeAgitator [CA] responded to memo.
CA: HAHA FUCK YOU I FOUND ANOTHER COMPTER
CA: as i was syaing i murderized that shit HARD
GG: You didn’t. You were screamin’ to high hell.
CA: hey cmon anna not in front of the ladies
CA: you included
CA: can you guy s forget that hapened
AA: sorry. already one of my foundational memories.
CA: noooooo :(
CA: haha what girl... dont crystallize the memory of me screaming like a fuckin baby upon seeing a giant basilisk monster with a scary face... haha no youre so cool :(
TA: What is wrong with you? Over.
CA: brother if i knew do you think i would still be like this
CA: epic swag does not come and go with ease
GG: Can you please stop talkin’?
CA: yes maam
ambrosiacTendril [AT] responded to memo.
AT: Hey, guys. Surprised they’ve got working computers here.
AT: But glad someone got to it first!
AT: And that you’re all okay. It took us a while to find anything even remotely usable.
AT: We were able to find, uh... “Cass Coach” while we were wandering a bit, and she led us straight to this one.
AA: we?
AT: Please be nice.
titaniasCourtier [TC] responded to memo.
TC: hey
TC: whats happming guyd ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ✩‧₊˚
GG: The hell is that?
AT: Hello, Finn.
TC: i dont know howto use this thing ᖭི༏ᖫྀᖭི༏ᖫྀ
TC: its just doint this on its own ＞(ﾟ∇ﾟ)＜
TC: i am not in control here ʚɞ ε♡з ʚ♡ɞ
AT: Just try to ignore it, okay?
TC: i will try ૮꒰ ˶• ༝ •˶꒱ა ♡
AA: kind of cute honestly.
AA: you should try talking like that more often FINN!
TC: if you say s olili ᕙ( •̀ ᗜ •́ )ᕗ
TA: I think it looks unprofessional. Over.
TA: We should get to talking practical business though. Over.
TA: Just wasting time with all this. Over.
AT: Yes, that’s probably true.
AT: So, who all is here?
GG: Anna Wrasse reportin’ for duty, ma’am.
CA: COLT
TA: Leon Vargas, sir. Over.
AA: im here! so is CLAY but he hasnt found a second computer yet.
TC: im here too
___ /) /)(\ (\
| ♡ > ( ›.‹) (⋅.⋅ ‚‚)
￣ o ( づ♡ ⊂) o
AA: how..?
AT: Ignore it.
AT: That’s eight of us, then. Good. Only Dove and Cory are missing.
TA: If current patterns continue, I’d estimate they will find each other relatively soon, sir. Over.
AT: Probably accurate.
chilledCalculator [CC] responded to memo.
CC: Seems like a reasonable analysis
CC: I have arrived to verify your data
AA: and to talk to us right?
CC: I did not say that
CC: But yes fine that also
AT: Is Dove with you?
CC: Yes she is here and very worried
CC: Mostly about her birds at home
TC: oh that st errible! Tell her i said sorry ପ૮๑ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ๑ აଓ
TC: about the birds
•.,¸,.•*`•.,¸¸,.•*¯ ╭━━━━╮
•.,¸,.•*¯`•.,¸,.•*¯.|:::::::::: /___/
•.,¸,.•*¯`•.,¸,.•* <|:::::::::(｡ ●ω●｡)
•.,¸,.•¯•.,¸,.•╰ * >し------し---Ｊ
CC: What in fuck
CA: just let it hapen bub
CA: he knows less about this program than i do
CA: and that is SAYING something
CC: Look I can probably fix it
CC: So Finn first click the options window and look for the little tab that says suffixes
CC: Then open that menu and click the x button on anything there
titaniasCourtier [TC] stopped responding to memo.
CC: Oops
GG: Shame.
GG: That’s all of us, though, ain’t it?
AT: It is. Now we can focus.
CA: lol good luck with that one
AT: We need to meet up. Find each other.
AT: Do these computers have any sort of location data?
AT: We’re working on a planet-wide scale here, evidently, so this is going to be a bit tricky.
AA: and a beautiful understatement from miss MAYA.
AA: just a few swings fewer and she couldve won the tournament.
AA: fortunately she has a whole planet to work with.
AA: I say we should meet up at the GREAT FAULT.
CC: Oh there
GG: Wha’s that?
AA: how do I put this?
CA: i bet its a BIG FUCKING HOLE
CA: is it
CA: please
AA: it is. CLAY told me about it.
CA: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
AA: it runs along the whole planet. split open like the peel of an orange to reveal another skin inside.
CC: More like the skin of a basketball
GG: Fuck kinda basketballs d’you play with?
CC: Disregard my last comment
TA: A big landmark. Smart. Over.
TA: We’ll be able to follow along the edge until we hit each other. Over.
AT: That’s a good idea!
AT: Let’s do that.
AA: its not hard to miss its a gash the size of an ocean.
AA: so everyone meet up there. maybe try shouting so we can find each other easier.
AT: Sounds like a plan, team.
AT: Except for that last part. Don’t do that.
AT: Alright. Let’s get a move on, Human Sovereign Confined.
-- arborealAlkahest [AA] closed memo on team CONFINED --

The ten members of the Human Sovereign Confined - nine players and one COACHSPRITE – depart towards the enormous puncture in the surface of their BASKETBALL PLANET, in hopes of UNITING THEIR TEAM. Meanwhile, in a perfectly straight line across the data-woven cosmos, as though reflected across the origin that is SKAIA, the other team is having a bit more trouble getting organized.

-- grandioseAggregate [GA] opened memo on team CONQUEST --
GA: Okey doke! =:)
GA: Let’s try this one again, shall we? =:I
GA: Maybe with less shouting this time? =:D
topsoilChimera [TC] responded to memo.
TC: Yes hello I am here this time period
TC: Are you still doing well hello itsy question mark
GA: Yes I am, thank you for asking! =:]
GA: And it’s Eloizi, by the way! =X1
TC: I know comma sorry comma this phone is not as good at speech to text as my old phone period
TC: I will try spelling it exclamation point
TC: He hello eye Z eye period
TC: Did that work question mark
GA: No. =:2
GA: But don’t worry! =:Y
GA: I’ll know who you mean! =:D
cancriformGenesis [CG] responded to memo.
CG: 6/ hey i’m back /9
GA: Welcome back Kav! =:)
CG: 6/ thanks gurl /9
CG: 6/ sorry it took a sec, he’s being a pain in the ass /9
TC: Who is he question mark
CG: 6/ our bumbling fool of a team leader /9
CG: 6/ anSUCK vulpDICK /9
GA: Whoa, rude! =>:[
TC: Calve cat you know that he will be able to read this right question mark
CG: 6/ oh no /9
trickstersGall [TG] responded to memo.
TG: I founD thE goddamN computeR
TG: nicE trY kavkaT buT iM talleR thaN yoU arE anD mY armS arE longeR
TG: heY waiT A minutE
TG: rudE!!!
GA: I told you! =:(
CG: 6/ look in my defense you called me karkat at least four times this morning before the match /9
TG: heY I waS nervouS okaY
CG: 6/ no fuck you i will not stand for being associated with that grumpy asshole /9
CG: 6/ actual god and hardly even a proper crustacean enthusiast /9
GA: Language, Kav! =;0
CG: 6/ sorry grumpy butthole /9
CG: 6/ point made either way /9
TG: finE whateveR KAVKAT
TG: I wilL consideR uS
TG: eveN
CG: 6/ was that /9
CG: 6/ you bastard /9
TC: I do not understand period he said you are even comma is that offensive question mark
GA: Ilivai, one of Kavkat’s horns is shorter than the other one. =30
GA: It’s a sensitive topic! =:*
CG: 6/ i appreciate the kindness el /9
CG: 6/ i am now going to tear anserq a new hole /9
gravitonicGalaxy [GG] responded to memo.
GG: ****h n*, d* n*t d* that!***
GG: ***Anserq has en*ugh h*les as is!***
TG: HAHAHAHAHAHA
TG: yourE goddamN righT I dO
GA: Ew, gross! =:|
GA: Let’s change the subject? =:)
GG: ***Certainly. Where are y*u all n*w?***
GG: ***Bef*re we had t* make a new mem*, it s*unded like we’re all in safe en*ugh places t* stay.***
GG: ***But *f c*urse we sh*uld find a way t* get t*gether as a gr*up.***
aquaticAnguilloform [AA] responded to memo.
AA: HHello II AAm HHere NNow!!
AA: OOh AAre WWe TTalking AAbout HHow TTo FFind EEach OOther??
AA: II HHad AAn IIdea EEarlier!!
AA: II TTried TTo BBring IIt UUp BBut YYou GGuys WWere TToo BBusy TTalking AAbout BButts OOr WWhatever
CG: 6/ lay it on us bub /9
AA: SSo YYou GGuys AAll HHear TThat CCreepy MMusic TToo RRight??
TG: I wouldnT saY creepY
TG: maybE morE offputtinG?
TG: iT isnT verY scarY thougH iT keepS tellinG mE tO slaM anD jaM anD shooT hoopS
TG: whicH iS whaT iM fuckiN herE tO dO
AA: TTrue.
AA: BBut SStill YYou AAll HHear IIt??
GA: Yes we do! =:3
AA: IIs IIt CComing FFrom AA PParticular DDirection?
TC: Oh I will try listening for it exclamation point
TC: It sounds like it is coming from the capital w west
CG: 6/ donno about that but yes its got a direction /9
GG: ***Quite accurate!***
AA: TThen WWhy DDont WWe AAll FFollow IIt?
GA: I like that idea! =:D
GA: Let’s do it! =:}
TC: How will the others know question mark
gardenTerror [GT] responded to memo.
GT: 3not3to3worry3w33ar33now3awar33
AA: UUm DDendra IIs TThat YYou?
AA: WWhy AAre YYou UUsing AAagney’s TTrollian HHandle?
GT: we are 5haring one computer.
GT: 3y3s3w3ar33all3h3r33at3onc33
GA: All? =:1
GT: :::D yep! :::3 im here tOO!
CG: 6/ oh hey felise hon /9
GT: <[=]( I AM HERE ALSO!!
GT: <[=]( THIS IS A FINE AND USEFUL MANNER OF COMPUTING!!
TC: What question mark are four people just sharing one computer at the same time question mark
GG: ***Are y*u sitting in the same chair?***
TG: iS iT likE A turnS situatioN oR jusT A battlE royalE foR thE keyboarD
GT: no, we have a 5y5tem.
CG: 6/ lol and that is /9
GT: <[=]( GAHAHA I HAVE CONTROL OF THE KEYBOARD!
GT: <[=]( LISTEN TO ME BEFORE IT IS STOLEN AWAY XERXIS HAS A GOOD IDEA THERE!!
GT: <[=]( I CANNOT TELL YOU WHAT BUT THE PLACE YOU WILL BE GOING TO IS FULL OF SWEET BALLS AND RADICAL ALCHEMIES!!
CG: 6/ i kind of dont want to go anymore after hearing that /9
GA: Oh, come on! Please? =;(
CG: 6/ im kidding el lets do this /9
AA: OOkay!!
AA: SSounds LLike AA PPlan!!
GG: ***That it d*es!***
TC: That it what question mark
TG: “doeS” I thinK
TC: Okay comma good to know it does not die period
GA: Alrighty! See you guys there! =:]
GA: I will close this one before it gets too out of hand. =:P
-- grandioseAggregate [GA] closed memo on team CONQUEST --

Your name is ELOIZI. You are alone on your first ever ALIEN PLANET, and you have been IMMENSELY SCARED until now. You are an EMPATH, after all - your strength comes from being around OTHER PEOPLE. Wandering these CLAUSTROPHOBIC HALLWAYS and BARELY FUNCTIONAL ELEVATORS has not soothed your nerves, any attempt you make at feeling for the hearts of creatures nearby being met with nothing but CONCRETE AND REBAR. But now, having endured a conversation about SHITTING (that, though it did not seem relevant, in fact included a crucial bit of information that will later need to be acquired via TIMELY FLASHBACK) and a more proper discussion about FINDING YOUR LOVED ONES, you feel much better! Even though some of them might be TOTALLY ASSHOLES, and almost all of them are VERY GROSS sometimes, the thought of seeing them all together again still fills you with a sense of joy. You usually try to avoid large gatherings because you pick up bad emotions from them like a tight net dragged through a shallow sea, but at this point quite literally any emotion would be preferable to the sounds of DISTANT QUAD CITY DEEJAYS and EERILY TIMED DRIPS FROM RUPTURED PIPES that you’re hearing at current. Though it is a long trek, you close your eyes and think of your friends - though as you need to follow the music, images of MICHAEL JORDAN (a mythical figure you vaguely recognize from media introduced to your people by the gods DAVE and JOHN) dance through your head.

Soon enough, you arrive at a hatch, through which you can hear the music humming vibrantly. Though you see your very dear teammates around you as you pull yourself through the tight opening, your focus - and all of your other senses - are drawn away from them to what is before you. It is a CORRUGATED DISC as dark as the NIGHT ITSELF, larger than ANY BUILDING YOU HAVE EVER SEEN. It spins rapidly before you, a STYLUS nearly the size of your ENTIRE SELF running between its peaks and valleys in a smooth loop, sending the patterns down through its enormous TONEARM and into the body of this GRAND MACHINE. From the speakers that surround it the JAMMING MUSIC blasts, pounding your ears in a way that seems to have transfixed everyone around you in exactly the same way. You can’t help but listen, now, drawn here by the haunting melody and coaxed into staying by its alluring promises of EXCITEMENT AND DUNKS. As the SONIC TONES pass through your entire body, you feel as if you are dislocated from where you are - no, WHEN you are. It instills within you a sense of IMMENSE IMPORTANCE, as if the disturbance of that needle would do something so DRASTIC AND INCREDIBLE that it would really just fuck everything up forever. Your sense of scale is warped at the moment - the fact that you can barely tell when this moment really is notwithstanding - but you know within your heart that at the very least, were this to happen, you would NO LONGER BE. It looks as though your other friends are feeling this as well - as you glance about, you see the rest of them standing as you are, unmoving and unblinking. FORNAX (rather, FORNAXCOACH, given his unfortunate accident that you had nearly forgotten about) appears to be taking this the most gravely: in the shimmer of his glasses you can swear you almost see VISIONS OF WHAT COULD BE - but as they are wiped away by a WAVE OF GREEN, you decide it must have just been GLARE or STATIC.

You feel your heart skip a beat as, for the tiniest fraction of time that you can manage to perceive, the ARM OF THE JAM CONTROLLER appears to stop in its tracks. Its motion resumes immediately, fast enough that you truly aren’t sure if you were hallucinating - but the sudden lurch of motion you feel in your stomach makes you suspect that it was not imagined. There is a flicker, and there is a grand light that you have only seen once before, although it has been seen a billion times over by the ever-watchful eye of SKAIA. It is a force strong enough to draw your eyes from the beautiful machine before you, pulling your stunned and teary-eyed gaze towards the sky. Were you on the entirely opposite side of the planet, your mind would be stolen away by an appearance of similar grandeur - one that is seen by those wandering the bleak surface of the planet that opposes yours.

he LAND OF TRANSFERS AND SIGNAGE and the LAND OF ARENAS AND GLORY have joined the cosmic waltz.