Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I love you”

“Don’t do this Cas"

“Goodbye Dean”

He placed his bloodied hand on the hunter’s shoulder and firmly pushed him aside, out of the emptiy´s way.

There was a warmth in his chest, in his heart, from finally being able to say those three words he had kept so hidden and tucked away for years.

Locked away even further after the deal he´d made to save Jack, never risking them to even near the surface, out of fear of unwillingly summoning the empty.

But now it was time.

He needed to save Dean, the man, the human he loved and cared about with his entire being and eternity in the cold and darkness of the empty, was a fair price to pay. 

Throughout his entire speech his eyes never left Deans face. Even as the black water-like matter poured in on the wall behind them. 

Even as one of the empty´s long arms reached out and sucked in Billie, Cas´s eyes stayed focused on Dean.

Taking in every little detail of his face, every little freckle, line or scar.

The color of his eyes, the most beautiful shade of green, like the forest trees right before spring turns to summer, damp from the morning dew, glazed over with tears.

His mouth, the shape of his cupid´s bow, the color of his lips, a subtle and pale pink.

Oh, how he was beautiful.

Cas felt lucky to have had the honor of knowing this man, of being helpful to him, of having been a friend to him, family, of loving him as much as he did.

It also brought him great happiness knowing that he would be safe.

He took in all of it, as his beloved hunter were sitting where he had fallen against the wall.

Then he turned his head, a calm almost serin smile on his lips, facing the empty as it shot out and made contact with his vessel.

It felt like being submerged in icy cold water and as it reached his chin his instinct told him to close his eyes, but before that he wanted one last look.

One last metal image of Dean that he could keep with him in the dark forever.

He looked out of the corner of his eye, expecting to see Dean, hurt? sad? confused?. Maybe.

But what he saw instead was a devastated and destroyed man.

Eyes as wide as they physically could be, filled with primal fear and pain. He looked so small and like a part of him was breaking.

The sentence No, this isn't right, popped up in his head, He is not supposed to look like that, the thoughts settled in him like a gut feeling.

He had never seen Dean look so scared and hurt simultaneously before, not ever, not even in the hardest and toughest of times.

His calm expression fell and a wave of fear washed over him in an fraction of a second. It wasn't a fear of the empty itself that came over him, no.

It was a fear of leaving Dean alone with feelings horrible enough to make his face look like that.

His eyes were wide open as the pitch-black empty covered his face and sent him flying into the circular portal on the wall.

“Wait! no, NO!” he yelled out, but it sounded muted and muffled like yelling into a pillow.

He had to do something, anything to get out, to stop the empty from completely consuming him.

An idea formed. It was foolish but it might just work.

The dim light coming from the small hole in the empty´s lining leading to the room he was just in, started to fade as the portal started closing, having gotten what it wanted.

Cas looked at his hand and then back at the hole. He started to run towards it, unbuttoning his shirt in the process. He only got a few buttons, when the portal only had about an inch left open.

In the very last possible moment, he reached his hand to his chest and without hesitation reached in and ripped out his grace.

The hole closed. For a second surrounding him in complete darkness.

But then it was like the whole thing rumbled, squirming as if it was uncomfortable or in pain maybe.

Cas found it increasingly difficult to keep standing upright as the matter under his feet moved more like the floor in a funhouse at an amusement park.

Then just as spontaneously as the rumble started, it stopped.

Cas stood completely still, slightly crouched with his arms stretched out from his body in an attempt to keep his balance.

Confused, he straightened up (ha! as if) and let his arms fall back against his side. He let out a deep and disappointed sigh.

So that didn’t wo… he didn’t get to finish that thought as the ground right under him opened up and soon it was big enough for him to fall through.

And fall through he did.

A hole in the sky opened and out he fell.

Falling almost weightless through the air.

But that feeling only lasted a few seconds as in the next moment he hit the ground on a sandy hillside with only very little grass, luckily the sand itself proved loose enough to soften the fall.

He tumbled down and did a few turns in the air on the way, before skidding to a stop at the bottom, face down in the sand.

He let out a groan as he flipped onto his back, eyes slowly opening, he was greeted by the sky.

Only two or three clouds were drawn on the blue sphere, close to the same shade as his own eyes only a little darker.

After the initial throbbing in his head and joints subsided a bit, he noticed that he could feel something in his hand. Turning his head to the right, he opened his fist.

A light blue, glass-like stone laid in his palm, shimmering slightly in the light.

His grace. The thing that made him eternal, ethereal, holy, was now nothing but a small stone in his human hand.

After a bit of convincing, he got up on his feet.

Now standing he could se that he had landed near a road.

He slid the stone of grace into his coat pocket, not wanting to lose it completely.

His body ached, his back and soon-to-be bruises making him even more aware of his newfound humanity.

It is not something he hasn’t experienced before, but it´s something he’ll never quite get used to.

The road stretched straight out to each side, as long as the eyes could see.

Which direction should he start walking in? There were no mile signs or something showing a city name or giving direction to the nearest one.

He was truly out in middle of nowhere or “out buttfuck nowhere” as Dean would probably say.

Continuing in the footsteps of “what would Dean do”, he pointed his finger in one of the directions.

“Eenie meenie miny moe” he recited out loud, his finger pointing to the left, “that way” and so he began walking.

Chapter Text

Thirst was the first thing to announce itself. His throat drying out making him cough every time his body made him try and swallow what little saliva his mouth could produce.

He concluded that it must have been very early in the morning when he´d landed on the hill.

The sun just having risen enough to make the sky blue instead of the vast variety of yellow- and orange colors of a sunrise.

Because the next thing to present itself, was the heat. The temperature itself wasn´t so bad.

But with no wind or a tree anywhere in sight to cast a cooling shadow, the heat was constant. And the exposure to the sun’s rays, made sweat appear on his forehead, chest and back.  

Whatever little grass was left where he started, was now completely gone and switched out with cacti and succulents.

He took of his trench coat and folded it over his right arm and loosened his tie leaving it hanging around his neck.

As the hours processed he also unbuttoned his once white shirt down to just a little over his navel.  

For how long had he walked? He didn’t know, but a few hours judging from the pain in his feet.

It wouldn’t normally be a such a dire situation if he'd been human for longer. But it was like the empty had taken all his energy, lowering the bar on all his physical needs. 

I´m going to die out here aren’t I? he thought to himself, I survived and escaped the empty’s gasp, just to die out here.

He´d stopped walking.

If he weren’t so dehydrated, tears would probably be running down his cheeks.

“They will never know I survived” he whimpered out, “I will never see… I will never see…” a sound caught his attention and cut off his sorrowful rambling.

The sound was low at first, only a slight interruption of the complete silence.

A low hum, like a… Cas, in his tired and dazed state, had trouble recalling what could be making such a sound.

Increasingly getting louder, he turned around facing the other way.

In the distance he suddenly spotted something making the thoughts click in his mind.

It was a car! A car coming his way.

Hope filled his chest, but he was to worn out to do much more than just standing still looking at it as is came driving closer. It drove past him.                                                                                               

A ball of dread dropped to the bottom of his stomach and his head fell to a low hang, as it seemed that all hope was really gone.

His thoughts began to spiral downwards, getting increasingly darker and gloomier, when:

“Hey, you there! Are you okay? Do you need help?”

A voice asked loudly, sounding concerned.                                 

Cas looked in the passenger side window of the brown and beige car that had reversed back to his spot on the road.

In the divers’ seat sat a young-looking woman, maybe early twenties. Her eyebrows lifted and slightly arched, her voice deep.

“Are you alone out here?”

She said, looking past him and scanning the surrounding area, Cas subconsciously knowing that she was asking this out of concern for her own safety, not his. Though she were trying not to let him aware.

“Where are we?” he asked instead of answering her questions.

This seemed to surprise her and her expression changed into a more wondering one.

“Some desert out no-man-nowhere” she answered, “well one-man-here I guess” her hand signaling to Cas.

She opened her mouth as if she was going to say something else, but he had more questions like:

“What is the current date?”

he asked raspingly, making his own voice deeper than usual.

“It´s Friday” she answered.

Not enough information.

He cleared his throat as best as he could without some water, “the full date” he insisted.

“It´s Friday the fifteenth”

“What month?”

“July”

He gave a look of ´yes and what more´, making her know that she´d missed some crucial information.

“Oh, you need the year too? Really?”

“Yes, really” He replied.

“It´s 2022”

He straightened his back and stared bewildered out into the horizon.

His eyes gathering what felt like the very last moisture in his body, making his eyes gloss over.

“Three years” he almost whispered “but I was only gone a few seconds. I- I´ve been gone three years?”

His thoughts went to Dean´s broken expression in the bunker as the empty swallowed him.

It was almost too much.

He´d torn out his grace, that now laid in his coat pocket, so that Dean wouldn’t have to feel the sadness and loss he so clearly felt.

So that he wouldn’t have to loose yet another person in his life. But now he had already felt it and he had been living with that loss for three whole years.

This gave Cas a new fuel load of determination.

There were nothing he could do about the years he´d lost, especially not without his angel powers, but he still had two legs and feet and that could take him where he needed to be.

By the Winchester´s side.

No matter how long it would take, he would not let them think he was really gone for any second longer than unavoidable.

He thanked the woman and took what felt like his first footstep in a long time.

“Hey wait!”

The woman called out to him. He stopped and returned to the passenger-side window, slightly hunching with his hands on his knees, bringing him to her eyelevel.

“Are you really just gonna walk?” She asked him, baffled.

“Yes, I need to get home. Do you by any chance know how far Lebanon is from here?”

“YOU ARE WALKING TO THE MIDDLE EAST!?” she exclaimed in outrage.

“No. Lebanon in Kansas” he answered monotonously.

“Oh okay well that is only about a 8 hour drive from the last town I was in.. hmmm, maybe about an hour ago, so that is only a little brisk stroll from here”.  

His face showed a hint of confusion.

Cas had been around humans long enough to understand the concept of sarcasm and to register when somebody was using it.

But her voice were chipper and a bit higher than the one she had greeted him with. She didn’t seem to have noticed his minor perplexity.

“I can’t believe I’m gonna do this…” she mumbled to herself with her hand lightly resting on her mouth.            

“I can take you to Lebanon.”

she said whilst staring out the front window, moving both her hands firmly to the steering wheel. “I’m going in the same direction and can drop you off there”.

Her tone was undoubtedly serious, her voice had dropped back down again.

Cas studied her face wanting to make sure he was understanding her correctly and was actually getting a chance at a lift that would shorten his travel time drastically.

“Yes I would like a lift” he tried not to sound desperate but almost failing.

“You’re not a creep or a murderous crazy person are you?”

She turned her head, facing him with lifted eyebrows and a stern look.

“I´m not gonna let you in here, just to have you try and touch me inappropriately and then get all angry at my rejection to your unwanted harassment so then you rape me, kill me, dump my body out here in the desert, steal my car and use it to kidnap other women and keep them in a basement somewhere”

She swiftly rambled still very serious, “okay maybe the last part was a bit imagined, but you never know. So, are you? A creep or a murderer?”

Cas shook his head aggressively but then he paused a moment, “I would never kill an innocent person” he reassured her.

Truthfully but also avoiding telling her that he had in fact killed before, just maybe not actual fully human people but more other beings in human form or vessels,

adding “and I will not touch you inappropriately. I promise” for good measure.

For a few seconds she stared at him, making intense eye contact. Wondering if she could trust that he had told her the truth.

“Okay, get in” she told him, jerking her head to the side, physically relaying the same message.

He closed the door and fastened his seatbelt. Settling in to the soft seat, his feet tingling, from having been walked on for so long without a break.

He caught a glimpse of the time on the build in touchscreen on the dashboard, 10:26.

He tried to calculate when he had been spit out of the empty and in addition, how many hours he had been walking for. Three maybe four hours he concluded.

He could feel her looking at him and he turned and when their eyes made contact, confirming that she´d indeed been watching him.

“I really hope you’re not a murderous-creep-dude. It would be such an asshole thing to do now that you promised me that you weren’t, don’t you agree? Like, just absolutely massive dick move, just like giant penis”

she grabbed the side of his seat right next to the headrest, her other hand on the dashboard above the glove compartment.

A faint and forced smile be had been put on her lips that did not reach her immensely opened eyes, her head slightly nodding.

He copied this nodding, not really sure why. But he did agree, those would be pretty bad things to lie about not being and would make anyone lying about it an assbutt.

“I agree”  

She relaxed back into her seat, letting out a deep sigh.

“Oh thank god for that, I don’t know what I would have done if you´d been like `no I don’t agree, I just tricked you ha ha ha´”

Her voice had gone one or two octaves up, it sounded more relaxed and natural on her, though the last part she said imitating his voice.                          

Then she pressed the speed pedal and off they went.

Chapter Text

The car was verry silent on the road. Not like Dean´s car that hummed loudly when driving.

Right now, Cas actually missed the low growl of the Impala, having walked in silence for those hours.

His brain worked differently when he was human. It simply couldn’t handle complete silence and staring into nothing for hours, sometimes days when he´d watch over someone or wait for orders as an angel.   

Luckily he didn’t get to enjoy the silence for too long.

“How did you end up out here? I-I mean just absolutely nowhere walking in dress-pants and shirt n´ tie not knowing what year it is?”

He began to think about how he should explain his situation without scaring her.

Humans didn’t tend to like having their entire view of the world challenged and changed. Finding out about the celestial and the supernatural was rarely something anyone took without issues.

It turned out he didn’t have to as she went on speculating for herself.

“Are you a part of a mafia gang and had to go underground to hide from the FBI or maybe the big boss himself?”

She kept alternating between watching the road and catching small glances at him, grinning with excitement.

“Uh! Or where you a prisoner in a top-secret state facility that they have somewhere out here, and you dressed up as a lawyer to escape? Or OR! did some of your friends pretend-kidnap you and dropped you off out here as a really bad prank for your bachelor party or something where people tend to do equally dumb things? Am I getting closer? Is it something like that?”

He didn’t get her enthusiasm and it showed on his face as well as on his entire body. In the next glance she must have picked up on him feeling uneasy.

“Oh no. God, sorry. I’m just really not very funny”, she explained much more timidly, taking a deep breath before sighing,

“I am just feeling a tad bit uncomfortable having just picked up a complete stranger, a man no less, off the side of the road, so I just say things in a fun, weird, way. Rambling on and… It´s stupid, really”.

She sent him an apologetic smile, looking almost embraced, but also like it was something she´d had to explain and apologize for before.

“The last thing I wanted, was to offend you or make you feel uncomfortable in any way. I just need to act like we are besties to not freak out”.

He kind of understood. Still not quite getting the fun in it but he wasn’t offended by her guesses, nor annoyed by her rambling, he was just glad to not be alone in never ending silence.

The last one wasn’t that far from the truth. The empty hadn’t always been an impending threat, never a friend but close enough for this,

and well, it did try to take him somewhere he did not wish to go in his happiest moment and if he´d have to make an assumption, many would probably be happy at their pre-marital party.

  “Hmm, something like pretend-kidnapping.”

The excitement rose back up on her face, before falling off again as she took a second-long glance at him. Detecting that if so, then he wasn’t verry amused or maybe even okay with it.

Who would be? He wasn’t smiling at all, she´d even go so far as to say he looked… Well just sad.

“That’s some shitty friends then.” She remarked.

He expected for her to say more, but she stayed silent.

Instead she reached back and pulled a bottle of water out from a bag behind the driver-seat and handed it to him, with a kind smile. Chuckling in amazement as he chucked the whole thing in one go.

Not long after, a big sign with pictures of varying fast-food items alongside the price on gas on it came into view.

“Two miles to the nearest gas slash food stop-shop. We could use some food huh….”

She stopped her question abruptly, jerking her head to the side with a gasp, looking at him in complete disbelief.

“I haven’t asked what your name is! We’ve been driving for almost an hour already and we haven’t even told each other our names!”.

Sitting with that realization for a bit. Her mouth hanging slightly ajar in shock.

“Well, that just won´t do now won´t it?! Let´s take a round having everybody say their names for the class. My name is Sascha, but my friends call me Sas, what is yours.”

“My friends call me Cas”

“Are you messing with me? Sas and Cas?... Sas n´ Cas, sasncas… love it! pleasure to meet you Cas”.

She reached her right hand over to shake his hand. Better late than never.

Only moments later, came the turn for the gas stations parking lot.

Sascha jumped out of the car and filled up the gas tank at one of the pumps before parking the car at an electric-charger stand to fill up the battery as well.

After she´d plugged the car in, she walked over to the passenger side and tapped on the window, that Cas then rolled down.

She leaned forward resting her crossed arms on the door making her head stick halfway through the open window.

“So I just looked around and it looks like they´ve got a toilet `round back and I´ve got some oversized t-shirts, that I think could fit you fine. What do you say, if I went in and got some good grub for us to eat and in the meantime, you go in the bathroom and do a quick wash up? Pits-crotch-feet and change into the clean clothes?”

He stayed quiet considering the proposed plan.

“Please say you agree, because you? are one stinkin´ boi, smelly- smelly man”, she stated in an almost loving tone, scrunching her nose.

He agreed with an “okay” and two firm nods of his head.

She dug up a pair of sweatpants and a curled up t-shirt before putting the presumed well-fitting clothing in his hands and pointing to the wooden toilet building on the side of the diner.

There was only one stall but it had a toilet, a sink and a mirror inside and it was unoccupied.                             

The light flickered on as he walked in but it never got brighter than a dim glow, more light coming through a narrow window near the ceiling.

After a small but needed pee break, it was time for the quick wash down. Standing in front of the mirror, a dirtied and beaten man stared back.

His face had gotten a slight tan from walking in the highly placed sun but he still looked pale and his under-eyes were a color just in between gray and blue.

He looked objectively in bad shape. He took off his clothes, as much as he could without getting completely naked.

His white shirt had gotten a reddish hue from the ocher colored desert sand and it had sweat stains under the armpits and on the back.

There was no saving it, he determined so threw it in the trashcan.

Sascha had also handed him a washcloth that he used to clean what parts of his body he could reach easily.

As he lifted up his arm to wash under it, he couldn’t help but wonder. A brief sniff confirmed what Sas had said to him. He was indeed a smelly man. And a hungry one to boot.

He threw on the t-shirt with the rest of his remaining clothe and walked back out where Sascha was waiting for him leaned against the car.

She too had changed clothes, possibly in the back of the car. She was wearing a long purple t-shirt with some sort of doodling on it and a pair of above-the-knee length gym shorts with a pair of white sneakers on.

Her long dark brown hair put in a low knotted bun. When she spotted him, she let out a short snort of laughter before smacking a hand to her mouth.

“Umm okay, so it looks like.. I am so sorry Cas, but it looks like I´ve given you the dumbest fucking shirt I own. It was not my intention, it is an accident I SWEAR”.

She was holding back laughter, only a few coughs getting through, but a large part of her voice sounded sincerely apologetic.

Cas hadn´t really taken a look at the shirt on his body. It was dark blue with a picture of a man in a glittering tracksuit set with the text `This is the skin of a killer Bella´ under the man.

It was a bit strange he admitted but not really getting why it was worse than the scribbled one she herself were wearing and also not completely getting the reference, and he told her that.

“Doesn’t matter, we’re just gonna make a shop-stop as soon as we reach a thrift store and buy you some new clothes, and that’s final so get in the car loca”, patting him on the back.

They pulled back onto the never-ending road, chewing down on the burgers and fries Sas had bought for them.

Cas had been tasked with holding a cup of soda to her mouth, close enough to sip from the straw when she asked for it, and he did so without complaining. 

The landscape slowly changing as they drove on, passing a house or a tiny town from time to time.                                           

After all of the fries had been polished off and the cups emptied, Sascha started getting a bit restless.

Tapping her fingers on the wheel and humming bits of songs seemingly chosen at random. Coughing in between. When she couldn’t stand the silence anymore.

“Hey wanna listen to some music? Not to brag or anything, but I’m like in this wildly talented and cool band with a few of my closest friends, bra”. She said in a forced deep voice and a smoldering look.

“We mostly cover Taylor Swift songs, BUT with a rocky twist, and we just recorded a few new songs a couple of months ago before I left on this trip”,

her hands were already fiddling with the car´s touch pad and pressing play on a song titled `You belong with me´ by `taking gneiss for granite´.

He did understand that reference and it made him chuckle.

A heavy electric guitar started playing loudly and quickly followed by drums and two voices harmonizing in a high and drawn-out note.

The song loudly booming through the speakers and Sascha sing-yelling along, was too much for his head.

Unavoidably exhausted, his head throbbing in sync with the drums, he reached over and paused the song, also cutting of Sas´s singing mid highnote.

“What?” She asked puzzled, “not a huge fan of rock huh?”  

“Yes but it´s too loud now” he muttered out not planning on elaborating.

Not telling her about his favorite thirteen Led Zeppelin songs that just so happened to be the same ones on the cassette tape that Dean had given him, so he just leaned his head back, closing his eyes.

“Right sorry, all that `stranded in a hot wasteland for so long that you forget the year´, thing must have made you tired”.

“Mmm”

“Well if you want to, you can lay your seat down a bit? I think you´ll be more comfortable that way”

“…. Mmmm”

“Okay then let me just… find the thingy that..”

She reached over him, both her arms stretched leaning nearly completely on top of him. Trying to locate and press the thingy that would make the chair be more horizontal than diagonal, whilst trying to keep the car on the road.  

“So, it is okay for you to try and touch me inappropriately?”, he asked very calmly, not moving or even opening his eyes.

She jolted back grabbing the steering wheel with both hands.

“God, Cas you gave me a shock! No, of course not, I..”

“Tell me, are you planning to murder me?”, he interrupted her.

It took her a good second or two to catch on, but then she started laughing heartedly, coughing in between the brakes for air, “Gee Cas, and here I thought you weren’t funny, and then you pull a me, ON ME!! perfectly executed and everything!”.

She chuckled on as he found the thingy and laid the seat down, soon drifting off to sleep.

He woke up just as Sascha parked the car in front of a very small and local store with a neon sign glowing `thrift shop´ in the front window over another one reading `sale´.

“Hey there sleeping beauty, ready for some real fashion shopping?”

“I do not have any money “, he said whilst rubbing the sleep out of his eyes

“Oh, that’s okay I was gonna steal anyway”

“That is morally wrong and punishable by the law”, a serious determination on his face.

“No dude, that was a.. Of course I´m not going to steal from a thrift shop. I´m gonna pay for you. You can just say `thank you mummy´”

“But you are not my mother”.

“Oookay so still working on the jokes, got it. Come on, let’s go.”

Inside, the store there were much more filled up with things, clothing and funny odd trinkets, than one would think would be in such a smalltown thrift store.

The only employee, by the look of it, was an elderly woman sitting behind the counter, drinking a cup of tea and gnawing on a cookie.

She greeted them when they entered, but now she just stalked them around the store with her eyes.                                                                  

Despite the distracting feeling of being watched and all the multiple hats, shirts and sunglasses Sas insisted on putting Cas through, taking a hundred of intentionally bad pictures of him, they successfully found a full outfit, with shoes, socks and everything.

She tried getting him to let her buy him a new jacket, but he insisted on keeping his old dirty trench coat.

He kept it at his feet in the car as they got back to driving. He looked less battered in his new-old clothes.

Sascha had found a dusty-green button down in his size, resembling his old one slightly.

The real find being a pair of black jeans that still had the tag on, a bit loose on him. The belts all either in a size simply unwearable or had a way-to obnoxious buckle.

The same for the shoes, but here too they successfully found a pair that fit almost perfectly.

After also stocking up on snacks and drinks, they got back in the car.

“Now that you’re looking not-like-death, are you up for the last 3 hours?”

Chapter Text

After a game of `I spy´, none of them being particularly good at it, small talk began to flow between them.

Sascha asked him some easy to answer questions about his life and himself. Sticking to the stuff he didn’t have to lie about or make up.

He told her about his adoptive son Jack and the Winchester brothers, leaving out their last name and much of the other stuff.

Admittedly talking more about Dean.

How he loved his car, what he looked like, his pranks and jokes, favorite food and taste in music, the mundane stuff.

And after he had told her everything he could, silence fell over the cabin.

“Let me put on some music. Some more chill music this time, I promise”.

 She pressed a few things and soon music filled the air around them.

The chosen playlist was as promised, more calm and relaxing but still with some energy from the drums, playful guitars and keyboards or maybe it was artificially produced on an computer.

For almost half an hour, they just rolled through the list.

Some songs were more to Cas´s liking than others and he tried his best to remember the titles as they came on.

(Start playing "Beige" by Yoke Lore here, for a more immersive reading experience)

A lone banjo started to play through the speakers, then a man’s voice began singing, sounding somewhat light and clear.

At first he didn’t pay it much mind, as it wasn’t that different from the other ones that had played before it.

>And let me go under your skin. Let me find the demon that drive those heavenly limbs<

Cas snapped his neck to look at the song playing on the screen.

“You like it?”, Sascha asked him with a hopeful smile

“How do you know?”, he didn’t quite know what he was asking her. How do you know about demons? Do you know about angels? Do you know that I was once one? Many questions filled his mind.

>So don’t let me fall<    

“About this song?”

“Uh, yes” he replied a bit unsurely.

“Well, it just kind of popped up on my phone one day when I reached the bottom of one of my playlists”.              

A mild look of joy spread across her face before pausing,

“It actually reminds me of my partner. They… they just have the most kind soul ever and- and.. can I play it again? Would you mind?”

“No, not at all”  

> I don't wanna see you smile
I want you in the morning
Before you go performing

Tell me something I don't know
And lead me to the place where no one ever goes
Let me go under your skin
Let me find the demon that drive those heavenly limbs

You know you're beautiful
But that ain't half the gold treasure in your soul that you got 'cause I want it all
With your fingers in my mouth, I fail to see your faults
So please don't let me fall<  

The first part of the song played through, Sas quetly humming along.

By the last part Cas felt tears running down his face, singular streaks, but running from his eyes in a steady stream. Why, he wasn’t sure, but he didn’t wipe them away.

He instead turned to look at Sascha, to see if she´d noticed.

She had her gaze firmly fixed on the road, though it didn’t look like it was the road that had her attention, more like she was deep in thought. A sad pondering appearance to her.

She caught a glimpse of him looking.

“Who is he singing for?”

“I don’t know that”, he answered with a small sniff.

“I mean, who is the song about to you? Who does it make you think of? That car-loving friend of yours, that dropped you off out here?

He instantly stopped crying.

“Dean would never do that”, he snapped at her. He didn’t mean for it to sound so harsh, but no one should even for a second think that Dean was like that.

“No you’re right, that doesn’t sound like the Dean I know at all”

If he hadn’t already spent almost 8 hours with her and way of joking, he would probably think she knew more than she led on.

But she just seemed to hit it on the head with somethings.

“Can I tell you something Cas?”

“Of course”

She chewed on her lower lip, her eyes facing forwards. Taking a long pause before speaking again.

“I am dying.”

Cas nearly left his seat trying to face her completely. A shaky laugh left her mouth.

“Not like in this second Cas. But the clever doctors gave me a year without intensive treatment, and about half of that being good months give or take.”

Startled by this, he stayed quiet letting her keep talking.

“That is why I´m out here. In a car I´ve spent all my savings on, driving around picking up strange dudes. I´m running away.”

A faint choke in her voice let him know that this was a hard subject for her to talk about, yet she didn’t seem to hesitate with telling him more. Even when tears finally began to fall.

“I haven’t even told anyone back home. Not even Eliz. They’re the fucking love of my life and I haven’t even fucking told them. I just dropped out of school and left on a stupid-ass fucking roadtrip”.

She was crying quite hard now, her whole body quivering but her voice stayed nearly unaffected. A thick amount of regret mixed with anger under it, giving it a chilled quality.   

“How do you tell the person you love, that you thought you had your whole life to love, that- that won’t be for as long as you both thought it would be? I mean, I know it wasn’t going to be forever as in never ending eternity, but I´d just hoped it could feel like it. Not just a year, you know?”.                                                                                        

She wasn’t actually asking him that, more just sending the questions out into the world, but it was all too familiar to Cas. Except actually having had a never ending eternity until.. well now really.

“It can  be a very difficult thing to say, but there is happiness in simply telling them how you feel and not carrying that burden on your own. You shouldn't carry that knowledge alone, Sash”

He felt a bit torn saying this.

Wasn’t it a bit hypocritical of him to give that advice so soon after taking nearly ten years to muster up the courage himself? But it was true.

He´d felt it and understood that he should have done so sooner. Before the deal.

“Sash? The ch-sound is a nice touch. I like it” she sniffled wiping her nose with one of her sleeves.                      

“Do they know?”

“He does”

Chapter Text

An overhanging traffic sign crawled steadily closer.

“Look Cas! Almost there, only a few minutes to the city line”

He leaned forward to get a better view of the sign as they passed under it, free of leaves.

More and more trees and greenery had begun to appear as they drove up the country.

 “Can you give me an address of where you want to go?”

He wanted to be dropped off when they reached the sign welcoming them to the town, but Sas would have none of that.

He didn’t want her to know of the bunker, so he told her that he didn’t recall the exact address but that he would recognise the way when he got there.

“Nope absolutely not. No way mister. I haven't driven with you for this long, to not see you all the way through the front door. And besides, I haven't seen Dean in ages! I really miss that guy.” 

“But you have never met… This is you joking”. He stated not particularly amused, this only making Sascha laugh even more throwing her into a coughing fit.

She pulled out her phone and opened google and handed it to him saying “If you can’t remember, google their names, see if an address or a phone number don’t show up”.

As he typed, he made sure to tilt the screen away from her, knowing what the search might tell.

The results proved him right, the first many headlines being about the murderous spree the Leviathans, that copied the brothers, went on a few years back, followed by a few about them dying.

But on the second page a name catches his attention, it takes him to an online phone and address book.

“Sam and Julie-Ann Chester Williams, Old cheney Rd, Lincoln - Nebraska”, he reads out as Sas taps it in to the gps.

“What really?! It’s actually even closer to my destination! What are the odds of that huh, Cas? Higher powers must have sent me. I´m basically your guardian angel `Cas I am your Mother!´”, she muffled from behind her hand in her best Darth Vader impression.

He shuttered at the mere idea of Chuck being behind them meeting, not knowing that he was gone.

An uneasiness formed in his stomach. But before it had a chance to evolve into full blown paranoia, another name on the page stopped him from spiraling further.

“Other residents on the property: Dean C. Winters”, he read in disbelief but with a clear hint of relief.

“Is that our Deanie boy?”

He wasn´s entirely sure.

Of course the last names were diffrent, but that wasn´t an out-of-the-ordinary thing for the brothers to do. 

There was still a chance of it being them.

A hopeful smile grew on his face.

“I believe it is”

Chapter Text

The duo reached the address at 20:13 pm.

A longer gravel driveway leading to a dark red bricked house with a covered white painted wooden front porch.

It was two stories tall and looked old but very well kept and clearly cared for.  

There was a warm light coming from a few of the windows and a woman stood in what seemed to be the kitchen.

She spotted them as they both exited the car and looked to call out to someone.

“Is this the right place? Is this home?” Sas asked him.

He wasn't sure. It didn’t feel like when he´d return home to the bunker when they all lived there.

He didn’t get to ponder more about it, as the front door got pulled open and Sam practically flew out on the porch, looking bewildered at Cas.

"Cas? Ho- how? But you died? Y- You..”, he swung the questions out almost erratically and no doubt very uneasy by the situation, “What are you?  Because you cannot be Castiel, so what are you really?”.

Sascha walked around the car positioning herself next to Cas, crossing her arms, fuming by this man’s unwelcoming attitude toward her new friend that had become surprisingly dear to her in the hours of driving.

“Hey! You! What fucking way is that to welcome your friend, who´s been left in a fucking desert for three fucking years!?”

She used that word a lot when she was feeling angry or any strong emotion really.

“It´s alright, Sash”, he reassured her, before beginning a very short and to the point explanation to Sam.

“I understand your reluctance to believe my return, Sam. Do whatever tests you need to do to trust me, but it really is me”.

He avoided mention anything about the empty or his missing grace, as to not alarm Sas more than Sam already had.

“Test? What tests! Don’t you think Cas´ been through enough already, huh?”, she exclaimed raising her voice. “You listen here you..”, Cas cut her off before she could call Sam her favorite cuss word.

“I think it would be best if you left now” he said, putting his hand on her shoulder.

She looked hurt for a moment but then took a deep breath. “Okay Cas, if you’re really okay with this?”

“I am. Thank you. For everything you've done for me today”, he said in earnest.

She tried to keep her eyes dry, but they became glossy nonetheless.

“Well, that is what best friends are for, isn't it?”, she weakly chuckled out.

“We are best friends?”, he asked her, brows pressed together perplexed but his tone delighted.

“Of course we are! Why else would we have this awesome top-secret handshake?”. Saying it like it was a common and shared knowledge.

She tugged at his wrist, making him lift it up to meet hers.

She sporadically and without any prior plan started slapping his hand with her own. Occasionally folding it into a fist and other times bending some fingers, making none sensical hand gestures.

When she felt like it was good enough, she let her hand fall back down her side and so did her more playful smile.

Pulling out a small piece of paper out of a pocket on her shorts, she handed it to him.

“Here. I know you don’t have a phone but trust-issues on the porch there probably has one in his house once he lets you in. So don’t be a stranger, okay? Well, more of a stranger anyway”.

He wouldn't be he told her and he would call her as soon as he got a phone to do so with.

He also assured her that she was brave enough to tell Eliz about her diagnosis and prognosed life expectancy.

And with that she handed him his coat but not before giving him their first hug, it also being their first hug goodbye, and yelling:

“Don´t forget to call your mother!” to Cas and “You better be nice to him you giant moose-looking-ass man, you hear me?!”, to Sam and then she drove off.

He focused his attention back to Sam.

Whilst he and Sascha had said their goodbyes, Sam had gathered various things on the porch bench.

First it was the holy water, hitting Cas right in the face. Not possessed by a demon. Next was a sigil drawn on Cas´s arm. Good. Not under a witch's spell.

The testing continued for the next couple of minutes. Not a vampire, nor a ghost, duplicate or werewolf.

“Or angel” Cas told him flatly.

This seemed to take Sam by surprise, for a moment studying him.

Then opening his arms to pull Cas into a hug, finally believing that it truly was his friend standing in front of him.

“Shit Cas, that’s quite some stunt you pulled there. Welcome home”

Chapter Text

Sam led him inside, through the entrance hallway and into a larger rectangular room.

An open-styled kitchen in the end closest to him, with a dining table right by the half wall separating the kitchen from the rest of the room.

In the other end was a couch set and a leather armchair facing a tv showing a football game.

A person sitting in the chair, feet up on a big stool like pillow, beer in hand.

A visibly pregnant woman made her way over one hand supporting her lover back and the other stretched out to greet the visitor.

“Hi it is so nice to meet you! Welcome”. She had a big friendly and warm smile.

“This is my wife Julie-Ann” Sam put his arm around her and gestured his hand from her to their guest, “Julie honey, this is Castiel.”,

He shook her hand, “Hello”.

The sound of glass hitting the stone coffee-table, turned all of their gazes to the man in the leather chair.

He had lifted his legs off the footrest and rotated the chair to face them.

His hair was a bit on the longer side of short and had it swept to the side, a dark walnut brown, his beard an inch long and a tad unkept.

He was dressed in a pair of worn out sweatpants with a hole in the knee, a t-shirt with a prussian- and sapphire blue flannel over it.

His face was twisted in and unreadable grimace.

His eyebrows squinted hard together, as it he was enraged or deeply confused, eyes burning with what Cas read as despair mixed with yearning and utter shock and his mouth hanging slightly agape.

Cas greeted him.

“Hello Dean”. He felt nervous for some reason, like he was having the best dream fearing it turning out to be a nightmare.

Dean seemed to struggle with getting up from the chair. Sam were next to him in two long strides, wrapping his arms under his big brother´s to support him, well practically lifting him up on his feet.          

Dean swayed slightly and Sam tried to hand him a dark-wooden cane, that had been leaning against the coffee-table. But Dean shoved his hand and the cane away, never taking his eyes off Cas.

He started to make his way over to him, dragging his right leg, gripping onto his pantleg with his hand to force it with him.

Something in Cas´s hart aching as he watched the hunter fight his way over.

Like drawn, he took a few steps to meet him halfway through the room, stopping only with a foots distance between them.

Dean raised his left hand up to Cas´s cheek, holding it there, touching only the short peachfuss, not his actual skin. It was as if he was afraid that it would burn his fingers or make Cas disappear.

He ran his eyes over the presumed angels’ face, analyzing every inch searching for something, anything that could confirm or deny that this was really his angel coming home.

Just standing perfectly still only failing by his hand and leg lightly shaking and his breathing deepening, strained from simply standing.

As they regained eye contact, Dean seemed to find the evidence he was searching for, his hand moving down to the chest, having not gotten the courage to physically touch the cheek, letting out a deep and long-held breath.

“Cas?”, he said faintly, as if he´d only just now recognised the man in front of him.

Cas didn't respond, knowing that his voice would only be a whimper if he tried. So he just nodded.

Dean pulled him into a deep and tight hug, and Cas did the same, using his body to support Dean´s in standing.

“You god damn…”, he didn’t finish his name-calling, but squeezed the back of Cas´s neck, running his thumb up and down a couple of times, “It´s good to have you back. Really good”.

He smiled widely as he held Cas out from his body in stretched arms, taking a good look.

Sam nodded in agreement and Julie-Ann nearly busted into tears from the beauty of the whole situation, but she knew it was probably also the hormones making it worse.

To distract her mind from doing that, she offered Cas some leftovers from dinner, knowing he might be hungry.

He gratefully accepted and thanked her as she put the plate down on the dining table in front of him.

After watching him take a few bites and getting Dean his second evening beer, she told Sam to get the guest bedroom ready and to get a set of new towels and some of Deans spare clothes for Cas to wear.

Dean didn't contest this, but she still added that it was because they were more similar in hight and build than Sam and well, any of them.

Sam however were a bit bummed out over hearing this plan, but with one glance from Julie and he complied, however not before telling the two men at the table not to start any explanations until he got back.

Julie said her goodnights to the both of them and letting Cas know that he was welcome to stay as long as he needed and that she would love to hear all about him in the morning.

A silence fell over the room. But the air, full of questions waiting to be asked.

It was Dean who first broke the stillness. “Screw Sam. Cas, what happened?”

“I couldn’t do it.”, he answered vaguely. He had so much to say.

I´m sorry, I didn´t mean for it to be three years, I´m sorry I didn't tell you sooner, his last thought could be about two different things, but he felt equally sorry for not saying both.

“Seeing you looking so… you just looked so…”.

Sam´s footsteps interrupting him. “Okay now I´m ready! Some beer, guys? We are celebrating tonight.”, he grabbed three bottles and passed them out between them.

“One beer is celebrating?” Dean asked jokingly offended, “It is almost blasphemy, is what it is”.  

“Well yes Dean, but some of us are going to be woken up at five in the morning by a way to energetic kid” He answered defensively but with a smile.

Cas didn't register the implication that for a kid to wake Sam up at five in the morning, meant that Sam had to have an actual existing child that could wake him up at five in the morning.

So he didn’t point this out or ask any questions about it.  

“So? Tell us what happened to you”, Sam begged, “and tell us everything”, Dean added more serious than his brother.

And so Cas began his story.

With Sam there, he left out most If not all the emotional stuff.

It felt like Dean and his own secret, though he didn't know how much Dean himself might have told him over the years.

So instead he stuck to the facts.

“Right before the empty closed off completely, I removed my grace and the empty spit me out after that”.

The boys shared a look of wonder and slight amazement. Sam of course already knowing that he wasn't an angel anymore from the tests, but Dean was shocked at this new-to-him information.

Dean had watched as he´d eaten, but the thought of that meaning that he wasn´t an angel, never crossed his mind. 

He´d just looked at him. Not anything else. Just looking. Not any other thoughts but you have no idea just how much I´ve missed you. 

“I don’t know why, but the minute I spent in there, turned out to be years out here”.

Dean made a face hearing this and moved a bit in his chair.

“I landed somewhere hours from here in a sort of reddish desert with big mountainous rocks and a long straight road, this morning”.

“You landed near New Mexico?”, Sam asked him, “How´d you to get here so fast, if for you, you just landed back here today?”. Dean was curious about that too.

“I don’t really know where I was, without my powers, my sense of direction is not very good”, he admitted, and then he was reminded of Sascha, the emotional urgency of the reunion having pushed his drive there to the back of his mind.

“I got a ride from a woman going in the same direction as here”.

“A woman?”, Dean asked in a way Cas couldn’t read.

“Yes, a woman. Her name is Sascha. She offered me a lift and bought me food and these clothes”, he ran is hands down the front of his shirt. “She is a very loud singer and her humour is very odd and not very funny”

He shook his head but then a soft smile pulled the corners of his mouth,“and she is kind and caring..” and dying, “..and brave”.

“The girl from the driveway?”, Sam asked sceptically, not having been there when they hugged or created the secret handshake, so secret that Cas himself didn't know it.

Sam had only seen her yelling and swearing at him. “Really? Well, she must have gotten quite fond of you to be so.. uhm.. kind”, he carefully chose the word: kind, dragging out the syllables, not really knowing if he meant it, “you giant moose-looking-ass man” playing in his head.

“Yes, I think I am quite fond of her too”. He was. She´d saved him and although he found her habits strange at best, it´d worked like she said it would, making him feel like he´d known her for way longer than he had.  

Dean put his beer down on the table harder than he had meant to and started getting up from his chair, proving easier thought than done.

“Well, I´m off to bed now. Great to have you back Cas, can´t wait to hear more about it tomorrow”. He tried to sound sincere, only remotely successful on the great-to-have-you-back part.

“Dean come on”. Sam pleaded as he limped off to the bedroom on the other side of entrance hallway.

“Goodnight Sam”, he stated back, not pausing for a second.

Cas watched the bedroom door close, puzzled by Dean´s sudden reaction.

“Sorry about that, Cas”, Sam said apologizing on Dean´s behalf.

“What happened to him, Sam? Whilst I was gone”, He asked concerned, the word: gone, hurting more that he thought it would as he said it.

Sam sighed, as a dull look came over him, taking a moment to decide how he wanted to tell Cas, not sure of what would not be his place to share.

“It was a month or a bit more after the empty ting and we went on a hunt for a couple of vampires causing trouble in a small town out nowhere”, he told this sounding almost too casual about it, like it was just another story from a normal day job. But by the next part, he became more hesitant and somber.                                                           

“He wasn’t the same after. He was hurt at first, really hurt… But then he just.. started acting all chipper and shit as if nothing´d happened”.

That was like punch to the gut to Cas.

“But his head weren't in it”, Sam continued, “Being more and more reckless for every hunt, ignoring important things, just rushing into dangerous situations like he was on a fucking suicide mission, drunk to all hell, all of the time”.

Sam cussing like that caught Cas off-guard, making it clear that he still was affected by the memory of it.

“He didn’t pay attention to how many vampires were left and he missed one. When it jumped on him, he fell and landed on a metal pipe sticking up from the floor. It impaled him, damaging some nerves in his back, it nearly killed him”.

Cas could barely stand to hear this. I should have been there. I should have protected him. I should have..   

“I am sorry Sam. I should have been there”.

“No, Cas don't. You saved him from certain death back then and that in return saved the entire world. You did what you could”.

Not good enough..

The beer hit Cas harder than he´d expected, despite always having been a lightweighted drinker when human. It made him slur his speech ever so slightly.

“Thank you Sam, but..”, he began, then it clicked, “What do mean by saving the entire world.?”, doing air quotes at `the entire´. 

Sam´s eyes widened with realization, that Cas had no way of knowing what happened.

He wasn’t sure this was the right time to fill him in on that, being tipsy and looking severely sleep-deprived, but he did so anyway.

“So Jack is?”

“Yep”

“Is he okay?”, Cas asked worryingly like a father would’ve. Not like John ever had but like Sam himself with his own kids.

“Yeah Cas, he is and he is doing an awesome job at it”.

He stood up and said, “I´ve put the towels and clothes in the bathroom here downstairs, just so the kids don´t wake up. It´s behind that middle door in the hall. You see it? And then your room is the first door you get to when you come up the stairs”.

He´d taken the first few steps leading up there, when he turned around whispering, “If the door has butterflies or dogs on it, then that’s not the right one”.

He chuckled to himself the rest of the way up.

Chapter Text

A knock on the door woke him up.

The smell of breakfast making his stomach growl. He sat up in his bed and scooted back against the wall.

He hated mornings the most, well shortly after late nights and middays spent alone in the house while Sam, Julie-Ann and the kids were out working or in school and daycare.  

“Hmmm!”, he groaned loudly.

Sam opened the door, stepping in before closing it again.

Standing in the middle of the room, hands on his hips in one of those bullshit power-poses, Julie saw videos about whilst cooking sometimes.

Sam pointed to a pile of clothes on a chair in the corner. “Is that what you are wearing today?”.

Dean didn't even have to answer, as Sam was already in the mist of helping him getting out of his pyjamas and into the clothes he´d pointed to.

Putting his arms through the sleeves, and his legs into the pants, lifting him to slide them all the way up and tying a bow on the strings holding the sweatpants up.

Dean used to insist on doing what he could on his own, often managing to get it all on without Sam´s help.

But he didn’t anymore.                                                             

It doesn't matter. It never gets any better. He often thinks.

Sam lowers him down onto a thin mattress on the floor and begins stretching and gently rotating the joints and muscles in his right arm and leg.

“You need a shower soon Dean”, he tells his brother, as he sits him up lifting his arm up over his head, pulling it back a bit.

Dean scoffs. He hates showers and he hates being this weak, especially like he was in the mornings, but hating being it the rest of the day too.

At least after Sam´s daily physiotherapy sessions, before leaving for work shift or a college class, he´d usually regain enough strength to do more things without assistance. Like showering by him-goddamn-self.

“Okay, think that’s enough Sammy”, he bit at him, angered by the thought of once again struggling in the hard shower stool, just to stay clean.

Sam looked at him disappointed, that he´d once again cut a session short. He didn't even try to convince him to continue, he had tried that many times before. It never worked.

They walked out into the kitchen area and Sam plopped Dean down on his usual seat closest to the table-end on that side, with DJ, Sam and Julies youngest (for now), at the end of the table in a highchair for toddlers, Julie-Ann sitting next to the child as well on the opposite side, helping him eat.                                        

Next to her sat Luna. She was Julie’s daughter from a previous relationship, nearing the age of 9.

She always had something new to tell dean at breakfast. Like, “Uncle Dean did you know that the biggest butterfly in the world is the Queen Alexandra´s birdwing?”,

or “Uncle Dean did you know that the word for a hundred actually comes from the old Norse word for a hundred n´ twenty?”,

or “Uncle Dean did you know you need moonlight in a lot of old magic spells?”.

Sam had started teaching her about the occult, but only the light and kid friendly stuff. Making sure to take it slow with her, letting her be a kid whilst training her to defend herself.

The complete opposite of how´d John had taught them. Julie approved of it, having been a hunter herself, only retiring when Luna´s biological father got killed on the job.

Sam was a great dad to the both of them, there was no denying that. Loving Luna like his own without a second thought.

And so did Dean, she was his niece and that was that.

Her and DJ, and the future little one, being his only source of something resembling happiness.

But maybe now there could be more.

Dean scuffled down his plate of scrambled eggs with grilled vegetables mixed in and a side of low-fat yogurt with some fruit on top.

He missed having bacon, but he´d sometimes get it on the weekends when Julie sneaked him some. She was way more kind to him than he thought he deserved.

He was about to take a sip of his coffee, pausing it mid-way as Cas had woken up too and was now coming down the stairs.

His hair was messy and he had two very visible sleep lines imprinted on his face from passing out on a fold on the pillow, most likely not having moved much the whole night.

Dean´s heart did a quick skip as he spotted, that he was wearing another set of his clothes, one of his flannels. Red with orange and black checkers.

His personal favorite.

Julie-Ann must have given it to him straight out of the dryer.   

A good long sip of the coffee, eyes looking over the cup stealthily following the man in his flannel.  

“Good morning, Dean”, Cas said, his voice raspy with sleep, and a bit too close to Dean´s ear, as he sat down next to him, making the hair on his arms perk up.

He almost choked on the coffee but managed to avoid it, croaking a “Good morning” back.

Luna, who´d had her nose buried in a book about dinosaurs, looked up hearing the commotion and noticed Cas there. “Who are you?”, she questioned tilting her head to the side.

“I´m Cas. Who are you?”

“My name is Luna Chester Williams and this is my brother DJ”, she introduced herself pointing to the young boy, who in response pointed back at her, “Luna”, giggling.

“Dean junior”, Julie explained to Cas with a warm smile, caressing the boy´s plump cheek with her index finger.

“And the next one will be Jackie or Jackson”, Sam added right before leaving for work or class, giving the children and his wife  each a kiss on the head, and threatening to treat Dean to one aswell.

Luna looked back up from her book confused.

“You don't have a last name?”

“No”, he replied “I don’t think that I do”.

She pondered that for a moment. “Why not? we all have a last name. Everybody does, even if they're different to their family's. Even If it is in front of the first-name. You can even change it”.

Everybody but Cas knowing that this could take a while.

“Like my dad´s last name was just Chester before he married my mom, who were just Williams, so now they are Chester Williams, so is DJ and me”, she barely paused to even breathe, “But then there is uncle Dean, his last name is C. Winters, Winter like the season, and the C for Castiel”.

Dean slammed his fist and cup down on the table startling Luna who stopped talking with a gasp. Julie and Dean Jr. also flinching in shock.

“The C stands for Chester”, he angrily corrected her, knowing he himself had told her otherwise, one night when she´d come into his bedroom after a bad nightmare, not wanting a story but wanting to hear funny facts about him and her dad.

“Dean!”, Julie-Ann barked sternly back at him, snapping him out of his anger. Well, he was always angry these days, but not like this.

Not like this.

“Sorry”, he mumbled but the regret clear in his tone, before fighting his way up of the chair, grabbing his cane and walking back to his bedroom.

It never gets any better

Chapter Text

Cas saw Julie and the kids off. Standing in the door waving softly as they piled into a family-style car.                                      

Then he put his jacket and old pants in the washing machine like Julie-Ann had asked him to do, but not before fishing out his grace-stone and the paper with Sascha´s number on it.                    

He knocked on Deans door. A faint “come in” being said from the other side.

Cas slowly pushed the door open, stopping halfway leaning only his head and upper body in the room.

“May I come in?”, He asked hesitantly.

“Y-yeah. Yes. Of course, Cas”, Dean murmured out, swinging his legs over the side of his bed, sitting on the etch.

Cas came all the way in, closed the door and took a seat on the bed next to him.                                                               

Stillness fell over the room. Both sitting completely without moving a single muscle.

Dean slightly hunched with his forearms on his knees and hands grasped together. Cas sitting, back straight and hands in his lap.    

Dean´s eyes shifted between a spot on the floor and taking brief glances up at Cas. He wetted his lips and cleared his throat.

“So.. umm Cas I… um, about what Luna said, it´s not like..”, he ran his hand over is face and rubbed the back of his neck , “I´m sorry you had to..”

“It´s okay Dean”, Cas cut him off. “You don´t have to apologize”.   

But I do

Dean sat up more, to better look at the former angel, taken aback by his response.

“Here”, Cas said and held out his closed hand to Dean.

He held a flattened palm under it, ready to receive whatever it was. A small round glass bead fell into it.

He took it between two fingers holding it up to the light coming in through the one window in the room.

“What is it?”, he asked as he studied it.

“It is my grace”, Cas replied, looking at the ball now in Dean´s hand with a blank face but a hint of fondness, as it did use to be such a big part of him.

Deans head twisted towards him in shock. “It is? But it´s all solid, like a rock. Graces don't normally act like that do they?”.                          

He was right. They didn’t, but something must have happened to it when it was taken from his vessel, he told Dean just as puzzled as he was.

Dean went and tried to pass it back over to Cas but he held op his hand stopping him from doing so.               

“I want you to have it”, he told him determinedly.

“No, I can´t do that Cas”

“Of course you can”, Cas told him in a very matter-of-factly manner, “you are holding it right now”

“Well I am physically able to, Cas. That´s not the point”, stated Dean obviously.

Holding it was, in fact, one of the only things he´d felt able to do in a long time, truth be told. That and drinking.

“That´s your grace, man. It´s yours”. He again tried to hand it back.

But Cas simply turned his head away, ignoring his attempt.

He looked around the room. The bed stood up against the wall opposite the door he´d come in through leading to the entrance hallway. Next to it a desk with a computer on it.

Over it hung shelfs stacked with various binders, books and papers. And a clear plastic bag filled with badges, keycards and ID´s. Fake, all of them most likely.

This put a reminiscing smile on his face.

“I wasn't completely sure, that it was you living here when the web ting showed the names on the address”, he told honestly, “but then again, it has never been unlike you two, to change your names. Or occupation”.

Dean let out a small snicker but said nothing.

“It is strange. So many things having changed, when it was only a day since we were running from death, from Billie, fighting Chuck alongside everything else.”

“It´s been three years, Cas”, he stated coldly, unwillingly letting a piece of hurt slip through.

He started to stand and Cas stood up too, to assist him in getting up.  

“I am truly sorry about that happening, Dean”. They took a few steps away from each other.  

“But it hasn't been for me”, Cas said whilst trying to meet Dean´s eyes.

He did, but Dean quickly averted it again. Cas took a step closer and reached out to put his hand on the hunter´s shoulder. Before it could land there, Dean stepped back.

“I'm gonna go take a shower”, he proclaimed as he limped past him.

“Do you need help?”

Dean gave him a stare of `don’t-you-dare-even-try´. “No I´ve got it”

Sam came home whilst Dean was in the shower.

Cas went into the living room to greet him.

He didn't see him coming in, as he was on the phone talking in a loud whisper.

“I know honey, but I think it would really help us out and I had to give an answer right then and there”,

He was pacing back-and-forth in the kitchen area, “…yeah I know. I will have to find someone to help with Dean in the mornings… yeah, no I know he could probably do it on his own but… the guy is depressed Julie, I've tried to talk to him, but y-you know, it don't work”.

Sam put a hand over his eyes pressing in on his temples.

“Look I will figure something out I don't know how yet but we will make it work, okay?... yeah see you when you get home. Love you honey, bye.”

He put the phone down on the counter and stared out the window for a second letting out a deep sigh.

“Is everything okay, Sam”.

He jumped around in shock, putting his hand on his chest in relief of it just being Cas standing there.

“Jesus Cas! You are very stealthy”, he cackled, thankful that it wasn't his brother eavesdropping on his conversation, "oh yeah everything's fine”, he said giving a reassuring smile.

“Sam”

The smile disappeared and he exhaled knowing the rouge was up.

“They´ve give me an opportunity at school to graduate earlier and get me more experience at the law firm I work at. It would also give me a raise, which would be nice to have with the little one coming and all”.

This part he told almost excitingly, then he paused, “but I will have to go into work before my morning classes. meaning there would be no one to help Dean get up from tomorrow morning”.

Without missing a beat Cas answered with “I can help Dean”. 

Sam looked at him, surprised at his offer.

“Look, thank you for offering to help, really, but I don't think Dean is gonna let that happen”. His tone slightly disappointed at that fact.

“It is a good opportunity for you Sam, and I want to help”.

They stood there in silence, while Sam thought over the pros and cons.

It would really help, but Dean will kill me. This would really better my chances after graduation, but Dean will kill me.

This might actually be good for Dean. But I will never find out, because Dean would have killed me.

His face was deep with contemplation.

Oh, Dean´s so gonna kill me

“Okay”, he finally answered. Having come to the conclusion that this was worth getting a little stabbed over.

“Really? Thank you, Sam”.

Sam didn't really know why he was being thanked for passing on his bitter and stubborn older brother.

But he was honestly just happy at the prospect of going back to just being Dean´s brother again, not having to also be like a strict parent just trying to keep their kid alive.

After dinner and some time in front of the Tv, it got time to tuck the kids in.

But not before getting slipped a piece of chocolate and a hug from Dean as an apology for that morning and being kissed goodnight by every family member in the house.

DJ also going over to Cas, patting his head and saying “Kaz, ppoppo here”, until Cas bet down and gave the kid a kiss on top of his head. 

“Sorry, about that” said Julie-Ann laughing at her son’s determination to receive a kiss from everyone not just family.

Cas assured her, that he doesn’t mind at all. it reminded him of Jack even though he'd never seen him that small.

The grown-ups sat down by the table under the notion that they were going to have a family meeting, about Cas´s return.

That wasn't technically a lie but also not the whole truth.

“So?”, prompted  Dean and took a swig of his beer.

Sam held his breath and looked over at his wife, eyes begging her to lead the way.

But she knew it had to be said by Sam himself, because otherwise Dean would just nod a long with her proposition and then just ask Sam to keep doing it.

And Sam wouldn't be able to say no, not if he didn't set the premise for it now.

She gave him and nudge with her shoulder and signalled with her eyes for him to go on.

Sam nervously cleared his throat.

“So, Dean. I have gotten the chance to graduate earlier and getting a slight promotion at the firm, but I…”

Dean cut him off before he could even get to the thing he´d wanted to discuss.

“That’s great Sam! I´m real proud of you”.

Sam swallowed hard. Why´d he have to say that now? It just makes this even harder.

“Thank you, Dean.”

Julie gave him another nudge, with her elbow this time.

“Buuut… I will have to go do some work before my morning classes, sooo…”

Dean frowned at hearing that and he became visibly upset.

“So what, Sammy? you gonna hire some stranger to come and grope me every morning, huh? Or are you just gonna leave me laying like some goddamn vegetable in my bed all day?”, Dean spitted out through his teeth.

Sam got visibly hurt by his brother´s accusations.

Julie got ready to intervene, but Sam put his hand on her knee to let her know that he´d got this.

“Of course not, Dean. I would never dream of doing that to you.”

Dean squirmed in his seat. Embarrassed at his reaction and hurtful words. 

“But I have already told them yes, so I have found someone to help you out now that I´m not there. But you have to promise that you will try your best to listen to what they tell you to do. I will make a plan, but you have to try an do it, okay.”

And promise not to murder me

Dean stiffly nodded. “Who´d you even find?”.

Julie smiled slyly, holding in a small laugh, already knowing how Dean´s reaction was going to be.

She gave a nod to the person sitting next to Dean. “Cas have been so kind and offered his service”.

Dean swung his head to face Cas, who just gave him a soft smile.

“Oh like hell he is!”

Chapter Text

His alarm clock blared for a few seconds. But then it suddenly stopped.

He quickly woke up to look at what had turned it off. The old instincts to fight when things out of the ordinary happened still deeply imbedded in him.

After fearing the worst-case scenario, he sighed in relief to find it just being Castiel standing by his bedside, staring down at him.

"Jesus fuck! Cas. How long have you been standing there creeping on me?”, he gargled out raspy from sleeping.

“Just a minute or two”, Cas replied like it was a completely normal thing to do.

“Oh that’s okay then”, he said thick with sarcasm, “as long as it wasn't the whole-ass-night”:

“Of course I didn't watch you the whole night”, he comforted, “I too need sleep now”.

Dean wondered if that meant, if Cas would have stared at him throughout the entire night, if he wasn't at human that needed sleep himself. He probably would've.  

“Look, you really don't..”.

“I have Sam´s list here over what to do. Number one. Wake Dean. I have done that.”

“Cas, would you just lis...”, they spoke over eachother.

“Number two. Get Dean dressed.”

Cas gave him a determined smile. “I will help with that now”.

Though Dean complained at this and tried his best to convince Cas that he would do it on his own, Cas didn't budge.

“If he says he is fine and doesn't need help, ignore him and do so anyways”, Cas recited from Sam´s notes.

Sam you sonofabitch

He gave up, knowing that although he himself could be a stubborn asshole at times, Cas could be way worse.

He does his best to do what he can do before Cas gets to it. Putting his arms through the shirtsleeves and getting his pajama-pants most of the way down.

His fingers fumbled too much when he tried to knot it, so Cas takes over the job. Dean looks away as he ties the strings together.

Why does he have to be so fucking close?

He thinks as he tries his hardest not to let his body show his satisfaction with it.

Down on the mat, Cas carefully and meticulously works his way through the stretches and exercises that Sam had shown him how to do.

But the way he does it didn’t feel like Sam´s. His touch didn't have that professional feel to it. Instead it felt loving and like he was putting a lot of care into doing it.

Not just into doing it correctly like Sam did, but into making sure he was okay with every rotation, mild movement or touch.

Oh, he was okay with it alright, despite doing his best to hide it.

In the end loosing, turning a dash of red, when Cas leaned in over him stretching his leg, never moving his eyes from Dean´s face.

Studying every look down to his blinking, worrying he might be causing him discomfort.

He didn't. And Dean even let him run the program all the way through, something he hadn't let Sam do in a long while.

The next few weeks went on like this.

Dean waking up to Cas staring at him, getting him dressed and affectionately doing his physiotherapy. Reminding him to shower from time to time. Offering his assistance with it.

That was always a ´no´ from Dean.

Although he did let him in after he´d gotten his underwear on, to help him trim his beard.

Cas wanted to cut his hair as well, but there he again got a ´no´, and in the end Julie-Ann did it, just like she did with Dean Jr, them having almost the same length of hair.

In the evenings, Cas would help out with dinner on the days Sam had to stay extra hours at the firm.

And when he´d return they all would eat and watch Tv until DJ´s bedtime, after that playing a boardgame until Luna´s.

Dean would always let her win if the game ended in a competition between the two of them.

“She needs to learn how to cope with loosing”, Sam said.

No, she doesn't. Not anymore than she already have

After, when Sam and Julie-Ann would get up to do the dishes, Cas and Dean would walk out and sit on the back terrace.

Sometimes talking. Sometimes just sitting in the warm summer air. Always a beer in hand and always sitting near eachother.

Cas helping Dean to bed and saying goodnight. After Dean always took out the grace and twirled it in his hand until he got too tired and tugged it back under his pillow in a small box he´d found for it.

One day Julie, Sam and the kids returned home from visit at Julie´s parents after going to a doctor’s appointment.

Dean and Cas were sitting at the dining table trying to build a card house. It looks more like a castle by the time whey walk in through the door, but it falls as DJ and Luna comes running past.

Dean throws his arms up in defeat, Cas just stares dejected down at the pile.

Julie-Ann and Sam walked into the kitchen,  Julie passing a bag of groceries to Sam.

“So guess what we are having!”, Julie said cheerfully, Sam also smiling widely.

“Lasagna?”, Dean answered back.  Sam sent him a glare shaking his head mildly, “Seriously Dean? Lasagna?”.

Julie just laughed softly, “Sounds delicious, but no we are not having lasagna. We are having a girl!”.

“Congratulations to the both of you”, Cas said gently smiling. “Yeah that’s awesome you guys”, Dean added flashing an approving grin, “So Jackie it is?”.

Sam and Julie nodded. They agreed amongst themselves, that one of them should pray to Jack tonight and let him know.

Sam said that they should also remind him that Cas were there to so he´d come visit soon.

“Or maybe you should just text him?”, Dean suggested obviously.

This made Julie remember something. “Oh! Nearly forgot. Here Cas”, she said as she handed him a phone, “had my brother set it up n´ everything, so you are good to go”.

Cas accepted the gift, thanking them profusely.

“And don't worry about anything money wise Cas. We´ve got it”, Sam smiled warmly.

They spent the rest of the night as usual and taking a bunch of pictures of the kids doing poses in the living room and putting in phone numbers of everyone he knew which turned out to mostly be the people living with him in the house.

And after Dean and everybody else had gone to sleep, Cas laid in his bed going through the pictures. Almost all of them being blurred out by movement.

Then he pulled out the little piece of paper from the drawer in the bedside table, and typed in Sascha´s number.

It was getting kind of late but he still decided to call her. His hand pressing dial, before he could stop it.

It rang two times, then..

“Hello? Who is this?”

It was a familiar voice. There seemed to be a few people chatting in the background.

“Hello”, he answered, “This is…”

“Cas? Is that you?”, she sounded very hopeful.  

“Yes. It is me. I have gotten a phone”.

“Cassie! Oh, I missed your deep husky voice!”, she yelled happily, deepening her own voice as she spoke out the sentence, coughing a bit at the end.

“Thank you? How are you? Your health?”, he asked his tone turning from confused to concerned.

“Not dead yet. How´s trust-issues treating you?”.

“His name is Sam, and yes I am being treated very kindly”.

“Good, otherwise I would have to fight him”, she said sounding serious, but Cas knew that she was probably not and just joking.

“I don't think you would win”, he confessed, knowing what both of the Winchesters had been capable of in their peak of hunting.

“Yeah, I think you are right Cas. He is like almost twice my size. But I would give it a go if they were being mean to you. What do I have to lose anyway?”, she chuckled.

He didn't like her saying that.

“Hey crazy idea, but what if I drove down and picked you up tomorrow?”

“I am really not being mistreated Sash, I swear”, he told her in all seriousness.

She let out a laugh. “Okay, okay I believe you. But I mean I could come and see you tomorrow if you´ll like? I can even bring Eliz if that’s all right with you. They´d really like to meet you an we could go out on a little group date? Uh! We could go bowling, It´s been years since I bowled last.”, she talked on in excitement.

He thought it over for a moment, eventually the thought of seeing Sascha again pulled the corners of his mouth up in a slanted smile.  

“I would like that very much, but it has to be after 10 am”. He still had to help Dean up even if tomorrow was a Saturday. It was maybe more, that he simply just wanted to.

Dean had regained some of his strength and admittedly got up and dressed by himself. But he still let Cas do the exercises from Sam´s list. 

“Yeah Cas, I´m not waking up before 8 am. I need my beauty sleep, so that is fine by me. Shall we say 11:30 am?”.

11:30 was okay for him, "see you tomorrow, goodnight”.

“Goodnight Cas, only the best of dreams for you”, she said in a sweet tone, before starting to yell to someone on her side of the phone, “Babe! We are going bowling!... no not right now, I know they are closed, I mean tomo…”. She hung up.

With the prospect of tomorrow's small adventure, he fell asleep.

Chapter Text

They woke up at 7:30 am, Sascha not without getting her ten more minutes, plus another thirty-five.

But Eliz was a morning person so had no problem jumping straight out of bed when the alarm told them to.

Whilst Sas slept in, Eliz got ready remembering to start on a pot of coffee as a certain someone tended to get moody without it.

They put on a black pleaded skirt with a silver chain strapped on it, a black band t-shirt, did their makeup as usual and put their coily hair up into two buns.

Then it was time to wake the beast. They placed a coffee cup on the nightstand and then grabbed the duvet and tugged at it hard.

Sascha rolled of the bed, hitting the floor with a thump and a displeased groan. Eliz bent down and gave her a kiss on the forehead, “Coffee´s on the table. We leave in 20”.

They got in the car and started on the two-and-a-half-hour drive.

Silence only lasting for the first thirty before they both started singing, some of their own songs and some of others.

Only stopping to buy some breakfast from Mac´D, and to laugh at funny things they saw or at stupid jokes about them.

Time past quickly and soon enough they were at the house where Sascha had dropped Cas off nearly a month back.

“There is a brown-beige car in the driveway, I think that´s them Cas”, Julie-Ann called out from the kitchen.

Cas came in from the backdoor after having been playing with Luna and DJ in the yard, Dean watching from a sun-chair on the terrace.

He took a quick glance out of the window and then dashed over to grab his trusty trench-coat and going out the door.

Sascha got out of the car and practically ran to give him a hug.

“Cassie, my boy! Hello!”, she said brightly, her eyes getting slightly glossy.

“Hello”, he greeted back calmly, but with a wide close-mouthed-smile.

Eliz also got out and walked over to the hugging people.

“Oh Cas, this is Eliz, my partner”, Sas introduced them.

Cas held out his hand, but Eliz pushed it away and also greeted him with a warm and kind hug.

Then they all piled back into the car. Sascha and Eliz in front and Cas in the middle backseat.

“Now who´s ready to get their ass´s beat in a bowling match of epic proportions?”, Sas asked out provokingly.

The match didn't turn out as epic as it had been hyped up to be.

It being Cas´s first time ever going bowling it naturally took him a few turns to figure it out. But when he had gotten a hang of it, he got pretty good.

Sascha turned out to just simply suck at it.

When the ball didn’t roll down one of the drains on the sides, she´d only manage to hit one or two pins.

Eliz turned out to be this trio´s bawling champion, getting three strikes in a row, yelling out “turkey!”.

After playing a few rounds they went up at got some lunch from the food counter and brought it down to their table.

Sas insisted that she´d just been warming up so now it was time to show off her true skills, so Eliz started a round with just her, so she could prove herself.

“So Cas, Sascha tells me that you put up with her the whole way back to your home. You must have the patience of a Saint”, they laughed fondly.

Cas finished chewing on a fry before answering Eliz´s question.

“No I am not”, almost somberly but also like he was just stating a fact, “she saved me, I owe her my respect and my gratitude. Her humor is admittedly a bit strange, but I think she is a very kind person”.

Eliz smiled and looked lovingly over at Sas, who was in the mist of threatening a ball to please hit just more than one pin, running her thumb over her throat in demonstration of what would happen to it if it didn't.

“Yeah she is. She talks a lot about you, you know. You must really have made an impression on her. But then again, I kind of think anyone you find walking in the far-out-desert will have that impact”,

they chuckled, then their face grew a sorrowful expression, “It is just not fair”, a sob followed, but quickly composed themselves regaining a soft smile. Sending Sascha a small wave as she celebrated hitting 5 pins.

Cas didn't really know how to respond.

It  was clear that this person had so much love for the woman who´d driven him home and that they were deeply hurting. '

He knew that look and he knew that feeling. But he couldn't think of what he would have liked to hear, whenever it looked like Dean would die or he himself would have to disappear for a long time, not knowing if it would be the last time he´d see his dearest hunter.

All he could think of was: “No it isn't”.

When Sas was done losing another round they piled back into the car and trove out to a little park nearby.

Eliz popped the trunk and pulled two guitars out, handing one of them to Sascha before also pulling out a blanket.

They found a quiet place to sit and sat down starting to discuss what song they should play first.

“How about `This love´?”, suggested Eliz, “but a bit more cheerful. Like we practiced yesterday, just an acoustic version”.

Sascha beamed at the idea, “T-Swift? Uh yes! Cas you can be the drums”.

He confusedly asked her how when he didn't have any drums nor knew the song chosen.

“Ah just make something up on the fly dude, and you can drum om these”, she answered and gave his thigh a quick pat.

Before he could inquire any more details, they started playing.

(I suggest you start playing `This love´- by Taylor Swift here)

>Clear blue water
High tide came and brought you in
And I could go on and on, on and on, and I will
Skies grew darker
Currents swept you out again
And you were just gone and gone, gone and gone<

Catching many love-filled glances at each other as they sang. Ending in a harmonious tone,

>This love came back to me, oh, oh, ohhhh<

Sas leaned over and gave Eliz a short and gentle kiss.

“You were pretty awesome at that there meat drum”, she said impressed, Eliz broke out in a big and genuine laugh, “Babe no! Haha, Please don´t ever call it that! It makes poor Cas sound like some kind of public masturbater”.

Eliz and Sas giggled at that all the way back to the car and to the house.

Upon their return, Dean was helping Julie finish up the dinner.

Now that he could walk for longer without his cane, he liked to help out where needed.  

“I think that’s them there. Sam honey, can you text Cas to invite them in?”, she called out as she looked curiously out the window to see if they would get out of the car.

Dean joined her at the window. Frowning his brows, “just who would drive around in a car like that willingly? What even is that?”.

Sam came up behind them, also catching a look at the car in his driveway, “I don´t know Dean, maybe she´s possessed by something”, he joked seriously, mocking Dean´s disgust.

They both cracked a smile at the inside joke.

“Stop it you two, be nice”, Julie ordered them, “I actually happen to find it kind of cute… in a sort of ugly way”.

Sam heartly laughed at his wife´s inability to completely disagree with them.

Just then the front door opened and they all stepped in. Julie greeted the new guests with a welcoming hug and Cas introduced them as they began to sit down at the table.

On one side sat Sascha, Eliz and Luna and on the other sat Dean, Cas and Julie-Ann with DJ and Sam sitting at the ends.

Passing out the bowls and plates of food between them getting acquainted and Luna telling Eliz all the ways she could do her own hair, after complimenting them on the space-buns in awe.

“Okay sweetheart, remember to breathe okay”, Sam told her snickering fondly, “let her eat as well”.

Luna apologized to Eliz, who reassured both Luna and Sam that they really didn't mind it at all.

Sascha put her hand on Eliz´s shoulder to check in before saying in a calm tone: “Just making you all aware now, that Eliz prefers to go by they-them pronouns”.

Luna tilts her head puzzled. “That just means that instead of saying `she and her´, you just say `they and them´, lovey”, Julie explained to her in a kind-hearted voice, sending Eliz a kind smile.

Dean lets out a small scoff, “well if that´s what you want”, he states not really at Eliz but looking down at his plate. “It is”, Eliz answers with a smile, “thank you for understanding”.

Dean looks up at them. Maybe in sensing that his attitude was being dismissed and disarmed, he sends them a slanted smile back.

They continue eating and talking. Cas telling the table what they did today, Sascha bragging about Cas´s thigh-drumming skills remembering not to call it a `meat-drum´ when Eliz gives her a light elbow to the side.

Eliz talking about the band and their studies. Sam talking about his and how he and Julie met, about her being Deans nurse when he got hurt, leaving out how or anything hunting related.

Sascha enquired Dean abut his car. “Cas told me that you are married to your car”.

Sam snorted out a laugh. “Oh no, I didn't mean it in a bad way. I love my car too, so I understand”. “She really does”, added Eliz unamused.

“A Chevy Impala,´67”, Dean said proudly. It still managed to sound bruised, stemming from the fact that he hadn't been able to drive it since the accident.

“Really! Oh, I have to see it before we go, that car is an absolute legend”.

Dean looked surprised at her enthusiasm, “We´ll see. And what do you um, call that thing your driving?”.

Sascha´s eyes lit up, “It´s a Mini Countryman plug-in hybrid, untamed edition. I had it custom painted n´ everything.”.

Sam asked why, probably wondering why someone would spend money on a paint job on a car that…unique.

Picking up on the consensus, that her car wasn't to taste, she smiled knowingly,

“oh, I know it´s not the prettiest or cool like Impala-boy´s over here, but man, that´s my dream car and I just wanted to have it exactly the way I always imagined before…well dyeing I guess”.

No one but Cas and Eliz really understood what that meant but they both got saddened by it.

“I think it´s pretty”, Luna commented.

“Thank you kid”, Sascha smiled.  

After dinner was done and the kids were put to bed, Dean Jr, once again insisting on getting kissed by everybody in the room, including the two newcomers.

Luna sticking with waving goodnight at them but letting Cas give her a goodnight hug.

Julie brought out two flasks of wine one with and one without alcohol, and some beers.

Sam put a set of cards on the table, and they started playing a game neither Sas nor Eliz had played before.

Whilst Sam explained the rules, Julie offered the drinks around.

Dean took a beer and opened one for Cas as well, giving Sam a disapproving stare as he poured himself a glass of the red wine, “what? Julie put me on to it. It´s pretty good believe it or not”.

Eliz asked for a glass of the one without alcohol, as they were the one driving home. Sascha reached out for a beer and asked for Dean to open it.

“Babe”, Eliz said to Sascha, nodding their head softly `no´.

“It´s fine. Come on Deanie boy open it up”. Dean sent her a look of `what-did-you-just-call-me´.

“But with your…”, Eliz whispered, avoiding the one word they never said.

“Should I open it or not?”, Dean asked getting slightly impatient.

“Yass please”, “No thank you”, they replied at the same time, speaking over one another.

Sam tried to smooth thing over by offering Sas the alcohol-free wine. But she put up a declining hand. “Sascha”, Eliz said sternly.

“What? It´s not like a beer is gonna kill me”, she said lightly chuckling.

This seemed to snap something in them, but they bit their tongue.

Sas sent them a thankful and empathetic smile, “I am here for a good time. Not a long one, so I’m gonna grab a drink or two for the road”.

This hit one of Deans nerves and he opened the bottle with a loud `pop´, and passed it over to Sas. “I´ll cheer to that”.

As they bumped the drinks together, Dean lifted Cas´s arm halfway up to join them.

After an hour or so Eliz and Sas drove the two-hour-plus long way back to Sioux City.

Eliz hugging everybody goodbye, Sascha only hugging Julie and of course Cas, shaking hands with Sam and Dean.

“See you soon Cassie! Mommy loves you!”, Sascha yelled at Cas as they drove off.

Cas stood on the porch waving at them with a big smile.

Sam and Julie-Ann plopped down on the couch and put on a movie, pouring and other glass of both wines.

Dean let out a scoff upon seeing Cas´s smile and walked out the backdoor.

Cas shortly followed.

Dean was standing, looking out over the dark garden on the edge of the terrace.

As he heard the door closing he turned around, his face getting lit up by the outdoor-lamp on the wall.

“So when are you two getting married then?”, he asked as his face pulled together in a bitter grimace.

Cas was taken aback by this seemingly out-of-nowhere accusation. “What do you mean?”.

Dean huffed, “you and that Sascha woman. You are clearly in love with her”.

“That is not true, Dean”, Cas answered honestly and in a very serious tone.

“Oh okay.”, he said in sarcastic agreement, “Of course it is! I saw the way you were looking at her all night. Giggling like some goddamn schoolgirl at all of her jokes. Which, I might add, were all not that good”.

He continued pacing back-and-forth, “but I get it. Three years is a long fucking time without getting any. I can imagine you´d get more than a little pent up, and then, boom, a pretty young girl comes along. Too bad she´s a lesbian though. Kinda slims your chances down there, buddy.”

“Do you really think that?”, he questioned in disbelief, “why do you sound so threatened?”

He didn't answer that, for a second it looked like he was going to, but instead he just gave it another scoff.

Cas´s face softened, brows lifted sad and empathetically.

“I know I should have done better. Letting you know sooner, not just about the deal but all of it”.

Dean stopped dead in his tracks, finally stopping his wandering and turning to face the man speaking.

“I should have told you that I loved you. That I very much still do. Because it might have been three years ago for you, Dean, but it was only a few weeks ago for me. And you still make me happy, just existing around you.  Loving you. Makes me the happiest I´ve ever been, everyday”.

Dean just stood completely still. His breathing had quickened, making his chest visibly fluctuate under his shirt.

His face in that stone cold way it always became when he had to think fast in a dangerous situation.

But he also just looked conflicted. Like something inside of him was fighting against itself. Then the scales tipped.

In an instant, he was over close to Cas and grabbing the collar of his shirt.

“Damnit Cas!” he blurted out. And for a second Cas wondered if he might get a fist to the face.

But then Dean tugged on the collar pulling him in.

Their lips met in a soft but fierce kiss. It only lasted a second or so then he drew back.

Fuck, what have I done?

He wanted to say something to defend his actions.

I am drunk, I didn't mean to, it was just a dumb joke, this isn't what we're supposed to do

But before he could muster out anything, Cas put both of his hand on the sides of his face and gently pulled him back in.

The kiss was deeper this time. Dean wrapped his arms around the former angel’s waist firmly in an embrace.

His heart beating fast and strongly against Cas´s chest.

A soft moan escaped as he opened his mouth, meeting Cas´s tongue on the newly-formed connection between them.

Heavy breathing out their noses as none of them wanted to pull apart even for air.

But then a slight noise stopped them abruptly, and Dean quickly took a couple of steps back.

Not more than a second after, the door swung open and a tipsy Sam stumbled out and flung his arms over their shoulders.

“There you are! I have something important to tell you”, he swayed a bit but his face was serious, “I love you guys, you know that? I love you my big brother. And you Cas, it´s just great having you back. Just unbelievably great”, he almost got teary-eyed on that last bit, “and I love my wife, man”.

“Alright Sammy, let´s get you up to bed”, Dean said and snatched his brother off of Cas, walking with him towards the door.

Looking back getting one last glimpse of Cas softly smiling in the warm light before going in.

Chapter Text

He woke a bit before noon.

A dream had been playing through the night. But about what he couldn't remember.

He got up to put on some clothes. Julie-Ann had taken him shopping a week-or-two after his arrival, telling him to pick whatever he liked, so that he didn't have to wear Dean´s old flannels anymore.

He´d picked out some white buttoned shirts also being forced to buy some in a different color.

He appreciated her help, though he honestly didn't mind wearing the flannels all that much.

He swiftly walked down the stairs, wondering slightly worried, that Dean hadn't gotten up on his own.

This was however quickly disproven as he came down finding Dean in the kitchen.

“Morning”, he greeted him, his eyes not moving from the coffee swirling gently in his cup.

“Good morning, Dean”, Cas greeted back, looking around as if searching for something, “where are the others?”.

Dean replied that they had gone to the children’s zoo not too far from there and that they would be back after lunch.

Eyes still actively avoiding any chance at contact. Cas walked over and stood behind him, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Dean…”

He turned around in a quick motion, swinging Cas´s hand away and leaning back against the counter.

The hunters face had a troubled feel to it. He let out a sigh, “look Cas, last night”, his voice was clear but the way he spoke sounded uneasy,

“I´m sorry ´bout the things I said to you. About you and Sascha. And I am sorry for”, he paused, “the… you know. For kissing you”.

The former angel´s face dropped.

“No it is me who should be apologizing  for that”, he said ruefully, “I didn't mean to do something that would make you uncomfortable or that you´d dislike”.

But I really didn't. That´s the problem

“So it is me who should feel sorry for it happening”, he sounded honestly apologetic,

but the disappointment and ache was still loud in his tone, “I just couldn't stop myself”.

Me neither Cas

“I know this might be an inappropriate thing to say if you… but I honestly been wanting to kiss you for few years now… a few years back then for you I suppose”.

What was that? Did he sound embarrassed? Or was it hurt?

Dean couldn't tell, but he also couldn't take any second longer of his angel looking like that.

Oh screw this

He placed his right hand on the hip, the left one on the side of the neck cuffing the ear, as he once again pulled Cas in.

It was tender and unrestrained.

Their breathing heavy, as they settled into a pattern of lips meeting, letting go, head leaning from one side to the other, tongues greeting and goodbyeing.

Cas drew back slightly and rested his forehead on Dean´s, still catching his breath.

“Should I take this as you not disliking yesterday's kiss that bad?”  

Dean let out a soft chuckle at Cas´s bluntness.

“I can't lie to you, can I?”, he asked lifting his head to better get a look of the reaction to his next question,

“S-so, does this mean that we can..um”.

Cas lifted his brows puzzled before turning more compassionate, “kiss more often?”

Dean bit his lower-lip nodding.

“I would surely hope so”, he answered almost a bit too seriously, making Dean smile again.

And so they did.

Sneaking sweet kisses and small touches when they were sure that no one was around or looking.

An arm sliding across the back when walking pass, a hand on the knee under the table at dinner, fingers lightly playing when standing close enough to.

Kissing, in the kitchen when no one was home or when Dean would come out and watch Cas tend to his little vegetable-garden that Sam had cleared a patch in the corner of the yard for him.  

Dean wanted to keep this their shared small secrets. Saying he just didn't really feel like explaining this to Sam or anyone else for that matter.

But just under the surface laid a layer of fear and shame.

He knew Sam and some others had hinted and toyed with the idea that he could also like men, but grinning through or ignoring comments was way easier than actually admitting to it.

What would I even say? He sometimes thought on the nights it kept him awake.

Hey little brother, guess what? All your jokes turned out to be true, and now I´m running around making out with my best friend. Surprised?  

He threw a pillow over his head. Well I sure am.

Two weeks after their first visit Cas got a call from Sascha asking him to come and stay with them for a long weekend, as he was missed and they were playing a gig up in Iowa close to where they lived.

He had agreed and Dean had even offered to drive him up there.

Partly because he was really aching to get behind the wheel in Baby again, but also partly as an excuse to get to drive with Cas, alone.

But Julie-Ann and Sam had stopped him and reminded him that it was probably a better idea to keep the first drive in a little over three years shorter than a five-hour roundtrip.  

Dean had reluctantly agreed.

“Sas is not feeling her best right now, but she is getting better, and she is a bit too excited for this weekend”, Eliz had told them when they arrived alone in the car to pick Cas up.

He knew that `better´ didn't mean what he wished it meant but just glad that it did mean she wasn't declining quickly.  

The days moved so slowly without Cas there.

Even if it was a weekend and he spent a lot of time with the kids, drawing with them, pushing DJ on the swing, staging a play hunt with Luna with Sam playing a werewolf and a pretty bad one at that.

His brain spent most of it´s time thinking about what Cas was doing.

Cas would send small videos of the band playing, his thumb on half the lens in the majority of them.

And messages updating Dean on his day, with enough emojis to make it look like hieroglyphs.

Sam and Julie had started looking for an apartment or similar for Cas.

They needed to start turning the guest bedroom into the nursery for the little Jackie, who would be arriving in a few months’ time.

Dean didn't like the thought of Cas moving out or even just being away from him. This weekend was tough enough.

He´d sometimes have to stop himself from blurting out, that Cas just could stay in his room.

What would they even think? Probably that I have gone completely off the rails

Saturday evening after everyone had retreated to their rooms or gone to sleep, the front door got unlocked and carefully closed again.

Dean stood up ready incase it was an intruder braking in. An intruder with a spare key?

His bedroom door creaked open…

“Christ Cas! I nearly went out at you with a bat”, Dean said worked-up but relieved and happy to see Cas home again.

He walked over and wrapped him in a tight hug, “welcome home, buddy”.

Cas hugged back, his chin resting on the hunter’s shoulder. “I have only been gone a couple of days, Dean”, he said surprised at this warm reaction. Dean buried his head in the nape of the former angel’s neck and took a big inhale of his scent, “well it´s been too-damn-long”.

Their heads lifted, eyes meeting in a quick glance before their lips did.

It is delicate and gentle at first. Small breaks to take in air, closed mouths, just the lips together.

Then it turns more passionate and intense. Dean´s hand runs up and tangles itself in the short and slightly curly hair, lightly chugging it, and Cas by extension, back against the door, that then slams closed.

The sound doesn't stop them or slow them down in the slightest.

Cas runs his hand up under Dean´s shirt and let´s his fingers trail his spine.

This seems to make Dean snap. He yanks off Cas´s trenchcoat, that he was still wearing from when he´d come in the house.

Their lips briefly parting in heavy panting as they proceeded to take turns taking a piece of clothing off each other.  

What am I doing?

Cas spun them around, and dragged Dean down on top of him, as they fell onto the bed.

This is an angel... no this is Cas. Not in a vessel, a male vessel. This is just Cas and I´m gonna… I´m I really gonna..

He looked into the eyes of the person under him. A man, a former angel of the lord, a worrier of heaven, his best friend.

Laying in his bed only wearing a pair briefs and a completely unbuttoned white shirt, being pinned down by his own nearly-naked body.

He hadn't thought this far. Am I really gonna have sex? With Cas?

Everything up till this point happened almost out of his control. It just felt so natural.

Dean´s eyes flickered with confliction. “Dean?”, Cas asked him concerned by his sudden hesitancy.

“I-I I´m”, he stuttered. Cas placed his palm on Dean´s cheek letting his thumb caressingly run up and down his jaw line.

It was warm and loving, and so was his eyes.

“It´s been a while. Since anyone has touched me like this. And I have experimented with”, he swallowed nervously, “some men before, but never… they weren't you, Cas. And I just don't want to mess you up or ruin you. Because, fuck, you are everything to me”.

His face was serious but soft, his voice slightly raspy with the sound of tears lurking somewhere under it. “I made you think that you couldn't have me. But damn Cas, all you had to do was reach out and take me”.

Cas seemed like Dean had just told him that the world was ending, “I always just wanted you to have whatever you wanted, and not make you think of me as bothersome”.

Well all I ever truly wanted was you

“Cas, never. You aren't even close to that! And you'll never be. Ever! Am I clear?”, he almost commanded.

Cas broke out a gentle smile, “very”.

There was no more talking, their hands and hips moved like they had been made for this, for eachother.

Thrusting, biting and kissing every inch. It's insane how good they are at this.

It´s as if they've never done anything else. Letting soft moans slip into the other´s ear.

Crap, when did Cas´s voice get so… Like pure fucking ecstasy

Dean didn't want this moment to end, never.

But when it eventually did, he fell onto his back and closed his eyes, basking in the afterglow.

“So we can do that again, right?”, Cas asked, his tone in absolute bliss.

“I sure as hell hope so”.

Cas had always been a heavy sleeper when he was human, standing in drastic difference to him never sleeping as an angel.

Dean brushed a stray lock of hair away from his forehead , letting his fingers run down the sleeping man’s face trailing his jawline down to his chin.

He really didn't want to wake him up, but it would be a lot easier to sneak back up into the guestroom now, than when the rest of the house awoke.

So unless they wanted to risk it, and he almost did just for thirty more minutes of having Cas here in his bed, he´d have to do it.

Later after his alarm had woken him up a second time, he got up and greeted everyone, greeting Cas like it was the first time they had seen eachother that morning.  

Luna instantly started to tell him about the new math formula she had learned from her homework.

He `hm´ed´, to sound like he was listening but all his focus was on Cas, who had just received a text.

“Sascha and Eliz has invited us all up to a bonfire-party on the last weekend of this month”.

Chapter Text

The weeks leading up to the party flew by.

Sam still taking on the extra work, Julie slowly starting to paint and decorate the nursery without making Cas vacate the room.

She might as well have done so, because Cas spent most of his nights down in Dean´s room anyways.

Sleeping cuddled up in eachother´s arms.

Well, at least until Cas got too uneasy in his sleep, spreading out in the oddest and space-taking positions, or until he had to sneak back up.

Julie-Ann nearly caught Cas walking out of Dean´s room one night. She questioned what he was doing down there so early in the morning.

He mumbled out something about needing to use the bathroom, and not wanting to wake up the kids when he flushed.

She looked skeptical for a second, but then thanked him for doing so, telling him that she was there for the same reason.

Cas wouldn't really have minded if she or anyone found out about them or what they were doing.

But Dean did, and so he promised to be extra careful going forward.

When the day of the party arrived they debated not bringing DJ and Luna with them, so there would be room for Dean and Cas in the family-car.

But Luna begged to come, as she´d really taken a liking to the two of them and would love to show Eliz her newly-learned braiding technique.

Cas pulled Sam and Julie to the side and told them about Sascha´s illness, and that he was sure about her wanting them all there.

“Oh that poor girl”, had Julie said.

Sam asked if Dean was up for the long drive. Dean replied that he was born to drive Baby, but if his leg started to give out, then Cas would be there to take over.

Their face all showed the shock of hearing that Dean would ever consider letting Cas drive Baby, putting it as an option even.

They arrived at Eliz and Sas´s little rented house at noon.

There were a few cars parked out front. Quite a lot for the little street they were on.

A gate let them to the garden, where there was a rather large gathering of people standing around chatting.

A little makeshift stage out of wooden-planks had been set up near the house´s back entry.

Sascha and Eliz standing on it with the rest of their band, setting up, getting ready to play.

Sas waved when she saw that they had arrived. She looked tired. Dark circles had settled under her slightly sunken-in-eyes.

Luna and DJ ran over and gave them a hug. Shortly after sounded a tap on the microphone.

“Hi everyone. Thank you so much for coming to this little get together slash goodbye concert”, Sascha started.

Some of the younger people woo´ed and clapped, cheering her on.

“As you have probably noticed, I am now being follow by this little guy”, she continued and gestured down to the air-tank standing by her side, with a clear tube going up to her nose.

“He will be referred to as `The Tank-minator´ from now on”, many in the crowd laughed. “So we're gonna start playing some songs for you now and just use us as background music while you talk and eat some good food from the table over there, that my lovely aunt and uncle have made for us. So just enjoy yourselves, please and thank you”.

She ended her welcoming speech, and the band began playing.

For the next hour-and-a-half, the band played a large plethora of songs. Mostly the group´s signature rock´ified Taylor Swift songs.

But also just some mood-setting-tunes, when Sascha needed a brake from singing, to catch her breath, mostly violently coughing.

She also spent the brakes walking around and talking to her friends and family. Showing Dean Jr. and Luna her toy car collection at one point, letting them pick out their favorites before handing them down with an: “I trust you two will take good care of giving them enough love and playtime”, and a boop on DJ´s nose.

A few songs later, most of the band walked down from the stage, leaving only Sascha with her guitar and someone on the keyboard and another bandmate sitting with a large bongo drum.

“Hi, So glad to see some more of you joining us during the songs. Hope you liked them”, she smiled widely and adjusted the cord coming from her nasal cannula as she moved The air Tank-minator slightly more to the right.

“Just in case any of you had forgotten, this party is sort of in my honor”, she lifted her arm dramatically into the air, chuckling softly, “and so I would like to take a few minutes of limelight to myself, just for that extra attention”, winking out at the group of people she knew.

“This song is for someo..”, she got cut off by her own coughing, fierce for a second. Eliz motioned to come up on the stage to help, but Sas held out her hand to stop them.

She cleared her throat,” as I was saying, this song Is for a special person, who I love very much and who is, I think, the only one who truly and unironically, laughs at all of my dumb jokes and comments. Every single time, without a fail. And who always goes along with my sometimes-crazy ideas…okay most-of-the-time crazy ideas”, she let out a hearty laugh.

Eliz´s eyes glossed over and so did many of their joined friends. “Eliz babe, this one is for you”.

She started playing the guitar. It sounded light and slightly more cheerful than the lyrics that accompanied it.

(I recommend you start playing `I surrender´ - by Saybia)

> A million suns are glowing in the night
Everything is quiet
Except for all the voices in my head
That say your name

Tonight I'm letting go
About to give in<

Her voice was more hoarse and raspier now, than Cas remembered it being when they first met. 

It also sounded more strained, than when her and Eliz sang for him at the park.   

> I surrender myself
Into the arms of a beautiful stranger
I surrender myself to you, to you
I surrender myself
Into the arms of a beautiful stranger
I surrender myself to you, to youuu <

Eliz stood eyes fixed on the love of their life singing to them, they were smiling but tears slowly ran down their cheeks.

> There is only one bridge left for me
My heart is almost free
Beautiful by my side
But all I think about is you <

Sam put his arms around Julie-Ann who snuggled into him in return.

Dean glanced over at Cas, his face set in a deeply empathetic look, his eyes faintly glazed.

He contemplated what to do, alternating his eyes between Sam and Julie, and Cas.

Fuck it. Cas needs this. He needs me, he thought as wrapped his arm around Cas, resting in on the dent in his back and pulled him closer.

Letting Cas grab onto his other arm and taking Dean´s hand into both of his.

> And tonight I'm letting go
About to give in<

He could feel Sam staring.

And he was just about to look back, when he noticed that Sascha had spotted them and she sent Dean an approving nod and smile.

He leaned his head against Cas´s and swayed lightly with the music.

In that moment he just didn't care anymore.

> I surrender myself
Into the arms of a beautiful stranger
I surrender myself to you, to you
I surrender myself
Into the arms of a beautiful stranger
I surrender myself to you

Who really loves me?
You really love me
My beautiful stranger
You really love me
Like I love youuu<

Sascha finished the song and people clapped as she walked down the stairs. Eliz tugged her into a tight embrace and kissed her strongly.

Dean couldn't hear what they were saying but it looked like a bunch of `thank- and I love you´s´.

Sascha turned around and waved for Cas to come over. Cas loosened from Dean´s arms and walked over to them.

Julie whispered something to Sam before walking off, “I´m gonna get us something to drink okay boys”.

The two brothers stood silently for a moment, Dean put his hands in his jean-pockets and kicked at the ground.  

“So..”, Sam began, clearing his throat.

“So”

"You and Cas?”

“Umhum, yep”, Dean answered straight-faced, but his body language visibly uncomfortable with this conversation´s topic.

"Is-Is that something you would like to talk to me about?”.

He shook his head, “nope”.

Sam bit the inside of his cheek and ran a hand over his hair, “okay, okay, then maybe just tell me about? I could just listen; I don't have to say anything if you don’t want me to”.

Dean looked to be considering it.

I shouldn't have said anything. He is never going to open up to me about this, Sam scolded himself.

“Look forget that I even as..”.

“Yeah, we are… together I guess”, Dean interrupted him, “been for a few weeks now I think, since um, that night you got drunk on that Jesus-juice”.

Sam´s face opened up in surprise, “wow. Really? Wow. I mean that's great Dean, I just didn't think… I mean, I know you sorta liked him back then, but that you still...”.  

“I loved him back then”, Dean announced surely and without hesitation, startling even himself and cutting Sam off again.

"Still do”. He finally looked up at his brother, “I spend the last three years mornin him, Sam. Hell, you saw me. I´m not gonna waste any more time not…not”, he couldn't find the word again.

“Loving him”, Sam stated, knowing that he had gotten the word right.

Dean looked over at Cas with a small but undoubtedly affectionate smile. “Yeah, that´s right”.  

The band got back on the stage and resumed playing, Sas and Eliz staying down on the grass, slow dancing to all the songs, slow or not.

Cas came over a held out his hand, inviting Dean out on the slowly forming dancefloor, that was steadily filling up with people.

If there was ever a place for it to be acceptable, even normal, for people in non-heteronormative-relationships to dance unbattered with one another, it would be here in Sascha and Eliz´s backyard.

Oh what the hell, ran through Dean´s mind as he reached out and accepted Cas´s hand and invitation.

They join Eliz and Sas.

Swaying, one hand on eachother´s backs, the other held together slightly stretched out, fingers braided, rocking their upper-bodies in varying tempos, to match the music.

Dean´s face was rather expressionless, lips pressed together tightly. But his eyes gleamed with joy.

Cas´s was just in absolute delight, a soft smile never once leaving his face as he moved steadily with his hunter, his love.  

Julie-Ann comes back and stands next to Sam. She has that smile she´d always get when she was right about something. That smug sonofabitch.

Sam just looked really happy for his brother.

The day turned into the early evening.

And people started to drizzle home. Hugging goodbye, some crying and some trying their hardest not to.

The Chester-William-gang left first, forming a large group-hug with Sascha in the middle of it.   

Then Dean went over. He didn't know if he should extend his arm for a handshake or go for a hug.

But Sas did know, and she swung her arms over his head and held him in close, “you take good care of our dear Cassie alright?”, she chuckled but a sniffle escaped her,

“or I swear on our goddess T-swift, that imma come and haunt you”, she threatened jokingly.

But Dean knew that it might not turn out to be a joke after all.

“I promise”

“On you life? No! On your car, do you promise on your car?”

“I promise”, a small smile spread on his face, “on my car”.

Next, she pulled Cas in. She squeezed him tightly; with what strength she had left.

Cas could feel that she and lost weight and she felt more fragile in his arms.

“Oh, Cas. How lucky I am, to have been the one to pick you up that day”, she let out a sob, but did her best to stay calm, “thank you for leading me home”.

He too tightened his grasp, not really wanting to let go of what he deep down knew likely would be their last hug.

Their final hug goodbye.  

But he did let go.

And they did drive home.

And he did wait nervously for that fearful call.

And the call did come.

Eliz´s voice sounded composed, but there was no hiding that they had been crying a lot.

“Cas? Yeah. It´s time. You should come”.

Dean and Cas rushed to be at the hospital, Baby going as fast as it could.

Julie wanted to join them but had just given birth to little Jackie a couple of days prior, and Sam needed to stay back with her and the kids.

But they said that they would think of Sascha and of Eliz in this tragically sad and horrible situation.

A nurse followed them to the room where Sas was laying, hooked up to all sorts of beeping machines.

Her voice rattled softly every time she breathed in, and faintly wheezed when she breathed out.

Her chest hardly moving at all. Eliz hugged them as they entered.

Thanking them both for coming and offering Dean and Cas a seat on the opposite side of the bed, that they themselves were sitting and holding Sascha´s hand.

Dean instinctively let Cas take the seat closest to Sas. And he sat down and took her hand in his own.

They sat like that in silence listening to the hospital noises.  

“Sas would have hated this”, Eliz suddenly blurted out, “she hated it being quiet”.

“I have my phone here”, Cas offered “I have a song on there, that I know she likes”.

Eliz signaled to him that it was okay, and he put his phone down on the table besides the bed near Sas´s head. Pressing play

The familiar sound of the banjo started playing. Eliz broke out in a mixture of laughter and sobbing,

“Beige? She really loves this song. It is perfect”.

“She said, it reminded her of you”, Cas told them, as he sat back down and re-held Sas´s hand. Dean putting one of his, on Cas´s shoulder.

Eliz leaned up and softly sang the lyrics into Sascha´s ear. Somberly smiling as they did so.

Before the song reached its end, Sascha took in her last breath.

The stretched-out-beep coming from the heart monitor blending in with the song's fading outro.

Cas and Dean left as doctors and nurses rushed into the room and Eliz´s mother, who had just arrived, went in to comfort her child.

“Horrible people, Sascha´s parents”, she spat mumbling as she entered “who doesn't show up when their own daughter is dying”.

After making sure that Cas was all right Dean went to get the car.

Cas buried his head in his hands. When he felt an embrace.

“Thank you for bringing her back home”, Eliz cried into his shoulder.

Cas reciprocated the hug, staying quiet, letting them speak.

“She was so scared to tell me, to hurt me. But she said that meeting you made her come back. You told her that she was strong enough to, and she listened. Thank you”.

The funeral comes soon after. It is not sad and gray. Sascha wouldn't have wanted that. Instead it is colorful, bright and filled with music.

People serenades the coffin out of the church to `Long Live´ by Taylor Swift, one of her bandmembers playing her guitar.

Cas lightly taps his hand on his thigh as they walk by, playing the meat-drum he thinks fondly to himself.

After all is said and done, Cas stays behind at her grave.

He thinks about how he came to care so deeply about a person in such a short amount of time. He has a habit of doing that.

And just when he thought things where finally sort of normal, the Winchesters not hunting anymore, no more Chuck, no more threats of the people around him getting hurt or killed; destiny went and took yet another person dear to him.

The tears started filling up.

When a whooshing sound interrupted him.

Cas turned around and got met by a familiar and friendly face.

“Jack?”

Chapter Text

“Jack?”

Jack widened his smile.

“Hi Cas”, he said as Cas wiped his eyes with his hands and pulled the grown kid into a fatherly hug.

“Sorry it took me so long to come and see you”, his tone a bit hesitant but still happy, “time just works so differently in heaven. Time can just go by so slowly at such a fast pace”.

Cas drew back from the hug, letting his hand stay behind on Jack´s shoulder.

“Yes heaven can be..”, he started, but soon realized that it had been a long while since he´d been to heaven. Or welcome there at least.

He sighed and warmly smiled at the kid. But Jack looked past him down at the newly placed headstone, his face saddens before picking up into a more empathetic one.

“I´m sorry for your loss”.

Cas gently nodded, agreeing that it was indeed a loss to him.

Jack looked down on his feet, “I apologize”.

“You have nothing to apologize for”, Cas responded slightly perplexed at this statement.

Jack lifted his head back up and with a neutral expression told Cas that he knew that, “but I still feel like an apology is necessary. I had the power needed to save her life, but I didn't”.

Cas didn't get angry or upset at this. He understood why.

“Sam told me, that you wanted to be as hands-off as possible”.

Jack´s look changed, the hope that this was a decision that Castiel would approve of, brightly painted on his face.

“I think that is good”, he stated to reassure him that he in fact did, “we know what too much hands-on looks like. Change is good. I am proud of you”.

Jack´s eyes gleamed at hearing Cas say that. His chosen father figure was proud of him.

“That said, I did intervene a tiny bit when I felt you out of the empty”.

Cas scrunched his face slightly in confusion.

“After Dean told me that the empty had taken you, I went to negotiate your release”.

“You got me out of the empty?”, Cas asked, “I thought it was me removing my grace that expelled me from it´s grasp”.

Jack blinked in confirmation, “I do believe it was, because when I talked to it, it told me that it didn't have you in its holding”.

Jack´s spoke almost in amazement at this happening, “you were just not there. Not anywhere it turned out. Until I felt you reenter the earth”.

Cas´s eyes fell on the ground, searching for a moment as if he´d find some answer there.

“I am sorry for not coming to get you myself but,” he let out a quick sigh, “I was a bit busy. So I searched the nearby area for kind people who could help you instead”, the younger man smiled.

Proudly? But with a hint of guilt at having interfered, ”and there she was”, he nodded down at the grave, "when I saw her nickname I knew, I had to check if she would be easily guided to you”, his gaze met Cas´s in almost astonishment, “and she was. She would have been willing to drive you, and almost anyone else, anywhere”.

Cas felt taken aback by this statement. He wasn’t sure why.

Sascha had told him, that she was running when he met her, but that she wasn't already on her way back home when she offered him a lift, surprised him.

“So you didn't make her want to return home?”

“No, it was really just a lucky coincidence that she lived so close to where you wanted to go”.

That is why I´m out here. In a car I´ve spent all my savings on, driving around picking up strange dudes. I´m running away, Sascha´s voice echoed in his mind, recalling what she had said after telling him that she was dying.

“You led her to me”

“Yes”, Jack responded.

“And I led her home”.

Jack´s head tilted, puzzled at Cas´s remark. Or maybe it was that he read it as Cas not fully understanding what he was telling him.

But Cas understood it just fine. He was simply stunted by the irony and symbolism of it all.

They had brought eachother home. Figuratively and in actuality.

But he kept that revelation to himself and instead asked Jack if he would come with them back to the house, not specifying if he meant on a visit or to stay.

Jack shook his head, “Heaven needs me, I´ve started some renovations that I have to finish”.

Cas nodded, having an idea of how demanding heaven could be, but also proud that Jack was taking responsibility and already taking the steps to make heaven what it always should have been.

“I could use your help”, he said with a serious expression, but his tone filled with the excitement of what could be, “I could insert your grace back and you could come with me to heaven, to rebuild”.

A smile grew on Cas´s lips, also thinking about what could be.  

“I don't have it”.

Jack opened his mouth to say something. Perhaps to ask him if the empty took it or what else had happened to it.

Perhaps to ask him to reconsider, maybe to tell him that as much as he had it under control, he needed his help just as much.

“It´s not mine anymore”

“I could give you a new one then”, Jack offered.

Cas looked out at the sun setting in the distance. He told Jack that he had made up his mind.

“It´s a generous gift Jack”, his thoughts went to Dean, “but I think I´m gonna try getting old”.

“Your vessels have never gotten old before?”, Jack asked confused.

“Of course. But being an angel… changing vessel every time it gets too weak to hold me”, he shook his head, looking down quickly before settling back on the warm colored sky, “I like this one”.

He recalled the feelings of Dean.  

Of Dean hugging him, holding him, kissing him. His mouth, his neck, his shoulder.

His hand on his cheek, his waist. His fingers curling up in his hair.

His breath in his ears, against his back, against his own breathing inbetween passionate kisses.

He sighed out in a chuckle, “I think I´m going to try a human death for once. It looked peaceful; surrounded by the people you love, and then I know that a better heaven is awaiting me”.

His eyes fell to Sas´s stone,`You can find me in the never-ending roads. You can hear me in the voices yelling along to their favorite songs´, was carved into it at the bottom, under her name and all the other formalities.

Eliz had told in their speech at the church, that this was what Sascha had settled on after having `Dying sucks ass´ denied by…well everyone.  

Cas gave a quick thought to what he would like to have written on his, as he lovingly patted Jack on the back, ready to leave.

Sas would without a doubt have suggested `Here lies Cassie. Totally not a creep, but one mean meat-drummer´.                      

“What if I gave you just enough?”, Jack called out after him.

Cas stopped, “how do you mean, enough?”, he questioned the young man.

Jack began to walk towards him, “I could give you a grace, but just enough. Allowing you to come to heaven and help me with smaller things, without making you a full angel again. You would still grow old and..”, he paused momentarily, but not long enough to let Cas take the word, “die as a human. It would also not be enough grace for the empty to retake you, if it so decided, which I doubt it ever will, but the point still stands. You might even be able to heal small wounds and such, which could come in handy when you become clumsy and fragile as an old person.”  

Cas could consider this offer and his face showed it.

“Please Cas, I do really need your help”.

His tone was no longer in that serious register, but like an adult son begging for his fathers help.

Cas could not say no.

It was an acceptable compromise, getting them both what they wanted. His adoptive son´s large pleading eyes and vulnerable stance, hitting him right in the heart.

So he accepted.

Jack channeled a small light-blue orb in his palm; noticeably smaller than a normal grace would be, and with permission, pressed it against Cas´s chest.

Power instantly flowed through his body, as the grace merged with it.

It was not even close to what he previously had, but he felt lighter, the normal everyday ache of his joints and limbs instantly disappearing, like he had gotten his energy back.

He flicked his hand and out appeared an angel-blade, studying it before flicking it away again.

They stood there a bit longer talking, about how this might change his humanly needs slightly, but Jack was sure that it wouldn't be anything major.

Maybe he´d only need five hours of sleep instead of eight, only one meal a day instead of three, that sort of thing.

Cas hoped it would make him have to use the bathroom less. It was just something he could never fully get used to.

Then they hugged eachother goodbye, Jack promised to take contact soon, when he needed Cas´s assistance.

Dean had instantly noticed something had changed.

“You feel different”, he had commented after welcoming him home.

Cas began to explain his deal with Jack, letting his pupils light up with his grace for a second to demonstrate, that it was truly there.

For a short moment Dean had looked upset, but after a deep breath he softly smiled and wrapped him in a firm embrace.

“Don´t worry, you still won't have to get old alone”, Cas said matter-of-factly.

Dean´s expression stiffened, “right, only one life left”.  Cas put his hand comfortingly on the hunter´s shoulder.

Dean responded with raising his own to Cas´s neck right over the collarbone, his face loosening up to a more tender one.

“So let us make the most of it”.

And so that’s what they tried to do.

With Sam and Julie-Ann´s help, they had found a place to move into.

A little apartment on top of an old store with a larger garden in the back.

Cas worked a few places, first parttime at a thrift store, whilst the task load in heaven was at its highest, the organic café with all the hanging plants after it slowed down, then the local library for a short while, but he eventually settled at the cute flower shop in town with the vintage storefront.

They fixed up the open space downstairs and turned it into a mechanics shop for Dean to work on local´s cars and motorbikes.

It took some time, but it grew quite popular with the city's vintage car owners.

Dean even offered Luna a job there as his receptionist and apprentice when she was in high school.

The years flew by like that.

Working on the weekdays, visiting the Williams´ on the weekends, and if not; watching one of Deans favorite western or horror films or that hospital show he liked.

Even taking the odd hunting job here and there. Driving out in Baby, practically living out of it on the shortest of trips.

Vacation days spent at more scenic places.

A little hotel in a city, going to museums and art galleries, mostly for Cas´s enjoyment but Dean grew quite fond of them too.

Renting a log cabin in a deep forest by a little lake, bringing a tent up an unknown hill and pinching it in a flower field or a tiny hut on the beach by the coast.

Always looking at stars at night, bathing in the moonlight and in the nearest body of water. 

Remembering to send a picture or a postcard back to the others of one of their daytime activities.

Always finding a secluded spot on the way home to park and climbing onto the back.

Struggling with getting their clothes off, bumping elbows, hitting heads together laughing at their own clumsiness as their bodies eagerly found eachother in the cramped and dark space of the Impala´s backseat.

Heavy breathing and panting, fogging up the windows, movements and thrusts lightly rocking the car.

Ever since getting his grace back, Cas´s eyes would flare up in that clear blue color every time he´d finish.

Dean knew he probably shouldn't find it as mind-blowingly attractive as he did.

It reminded him that it wasn't just the love of his life he was having sex with, it was an angel. Well, half-angel, but still.

As a hunter of the supernatural and someone having fought the celestial so many times, it maybe shouldn't turn him on this much.

But as a human and him being who he was, it always sent him over the fucking edge.

And Cas knew it, always maintaining full eye contact as he did it.

Sly bastard.

The holidays spent at the house playing games, talking, joking and watching the kids grow.

Luna trying her best to come back there for most of them when she started college.

Joining Dean in lovingly teasing Dean Jr. for growing his hair long like his father.

Julie-Ann smacking them both on the back of the head if she happened to hear them.

DJ would always smile and roll his eyes when they´d start on the banter, that only got worse once he started bringing girlfriends home with him.

Little Jackie was a real odd kid. the bravest lill´ thing Dean had ever met.

She never got scared, not at anything and the way no task or obstacle seemed too big for her to take on.

“Sam you have to train her too. She´s a born hunter”, Dean would tell his brother, unable to hide his impression with the girl’s fearlessness.

“Yeah I sure know how to make them”, Julie would state proudly.

Despite his name, Dean Jr. didn't have the same interest in learning and participating in the old family trade.

Dean would hum at that fact when DJ would start on his rant about how it was dangerous and he just wanted to play in his band and get famous.

“Let him dream”, Cas would tell him, “sometimes you get what you thought you could never have”.

He´d say that from time to time. And every time, Dean would reach an arm over his shoulders and place a kiss on whatever on Cas´s face was closest. His hair, temple, cheek or mouth.

Even when they had been openly together for years, they kept the PDA on the low.

Not that he cared that much anymore, especially around the family who loved them both, but that was just how he´d always preferred it.

And Cas never forced it, though he did tend to get more handsy when he´d get drunk. But then again so did Dean.

On New Year's Eve, they were invited to Eliz´s party that they always threw.

The first year, Dean had complained that they were too old to party with a bunch of college kids, but Cas had insisted, being the first New Years since Sascha´s death.

The band plus some of Eliz´s other friends was invited. Dean and Cas wasn't even the oldest ones there, as one of Eliz´s professors and an elderly man that worked at the same coffeeshop as Eliz was in attendance.

And despite the large age range of the group, everybody was having a grand time.

Drinking games with cards, deep conversations in the kitchen, having a Mario cart tournament, Cas´s favorite, and karaoke with the band doing the music live and the lyrics on the tv, Dean´s.

And they had celebrated entering a new year there ever since.

The day after they´d drive up to the graveyard and visit Sascha.

Cas could of course just have visited her in heaven, but he hadn't.

He knew that she would tell him to get his ass back to living and come see her when it was his time, after the shock of finding out that he wasn't completely human of course.

Though Sas would probably be the kind of person who'd get over that shock really fast.   

Her grave still looked new despite it being a little over twenty years.

Fresh pine grave-blankets and small trinkets that reminded people of her and what she liked.

The plot next to hers had just been filled, and at the top stood a light-gray stone with black granite lines running down it.

“I would like a stone like that I think”, Cas said a notched towards the headstone, “maybe with blue instead of the black? An inside joke of sorts”.

He smirked at Dean to see if he understood what he was referring to, but instead of a smile back or maybe an upturned blink, he faced a man with a troubled frown.

“Don’t you dare die before me, man”, he breathed out hard through his nose, “you have already done that too many times. Not again alright? Not again”.

Cas cuffed his face, letting him lean into his touch.

“Do you promise me?”, Dean asked him seriously, the sadness of having lost the man he loved more times than anyone ever should have ringing clear in his voice.

“Dean…”

“Promise me you won´t die before me again”.

“Okay. I promise”, Cas replied, pushing down all the thoughts and feelings bubbling up to the surface of that promise meaning that he would have to see Dean die again.

But he didn't want to think about that now. Not ever.

So to stop this train of thoughts, he gently pulled his hands still on Dean´s face closer to his own and placed a kiss on the slightly chapped lips, “I promise.”

You could say many positive things about the almost-angel Castiel.

One of them being that he was a man of his word.

All those years of living the hard life. No sleep, lots of alcohol, fastfood, stress and getting beat up on the regular started to show on Dean´s health.

At first Cas had tried his best to heal the small things that popped up here and there, but eventually it was like the hunter´s body just started to shut down.

Jackie, almost a pre-teen at this point, had begged Jack to fix him back up, hammering her fists into his chest when he had refused.

Dean telling her that it was alright and that he wouldn't have let Jack heal him even if he´d offered.

Jack was God now, but both Dean and Cas understood and respected his dedication to stand by his decision to be as hands-off as he could.

Cas´s remaining grace had weakened over the last few years from not being used after he and Jack was satisfied with how heaven had turned out.

He had thankfully hugged the kid as he promised to personally take Dean to heaven when the time would come.  

And on a beautiful midsummer afternoon that time came.

Cas had brought him home after the doctors told them, there was nothing more they could do.

Sam had wanted to argue with them about that or maybe looking into an alternative, like a ghost-magic-stone-rune sort of thing, but Dean told him to let him go home.

“I don’t want my last weeks spent in a hospital Sammy. Especially when there is not one doctor-sexy wearing cowboy boots. At home I can at least have Cas wear a hat”, he said grinning with a dreaming look over at Cas who just pushed his brows together with his head slightly turned to the side.

Julie-Ann had laughed loudly, Sam also letting out a snort at his brother´s bold request.

Somethings never changed.

They had a bed set up for him in the living room by the big floor-to-ceiling window facing out to Cas and Dean´s garden.

The big tree in the middle was in full bloom and in the evening the sunset painted the sky right over the top of the hedge in the back.

“The perfect view”, Dean would often comment as Cas sat in his armchair on the right side of the window, reading in Sas´s stupidest t-shirt she had given him to wear at the gas-stop with one of Dean´s flannels thrown over it.

The setting sun shining golden on his face.

Beautiful, was the only word that came to mind when he sat there glowing.

And if you had known Cas for even just a short while, you´d be able to tell by the expression on his face, that he was thinking the exact same thing, when he´d look up at Dean´s statement and softly smile back.

Even as he got sicker and evermore sickly looking, Cas would still gaze at him with that same look. Still beautiful, still my Dean Winchester.

The whole family was there, except DJ.

He would have done anything to be there but it had gone quickly  downhill towards the end and he had just started college in the other end of the country.

But he was with them over the phone with Luna.

Cas sat on the bedside holding Dean´s hand in one of his´s, the other one softly stroking Dean´s jawline with his thumb.

Sam sat on a chair on the other side, both of his hands firmly holding onto his big brother's arm, with Julie-Ann standing behind him gripping her husband's shoulders.

Jackie holding onto Luna, wrapping her arms around her taller sister´s waist.

Tears streaming thickly down her plump cheeks, but her face remained hard. Fearless even in her first encounter with death.

Jack almost didn't make it in time, but he appeared in the doorframe leading from the hallway into the living room.

Silently walking over.

When he got close, Jackie let go of Luna and positioned herself in front of him staring him down.

For a second the tension thickened to an almost unbreathable amount, before she opened her arms wrapping him in the same koala-like hug.

He patted her head before making his way to the foot end of the bed.

He just stood there, not saying anything.

Sam motioned as if he was going to say something to the young-looking God, but the second he turned his head to do so, Jack nodded to Cas and with a whoosh and a flash of bright, he was gone.

And he had taken Dean´s soul with him.

 Leaving only his now lifeless body here on earth.

Dean had always thought he would die fighting, getting awfully close back in that barn with the vampires.

He had never dared to even dream of going out like this.

After having lived out the best twenty-ish years of his life.

Settling down in one place, getting a big loving family, living with his best friend after he´d come back to him from the place no one came back from.

Finally coming to terms with his feelings, getting to love and be loved by him.

Being able to call this weird, funny, strong, brave, kind and ever-loving-man, his.

Actually making some friends.

Some real friends, who'd pop in for a visit, invite him out for drinks, help him out when he was in need.

Friends who never judged him for having feelings and feeling them.

And although he never had any kids of his own, he had four amazing kids caring about him, looking up to him and reaching out whenever they missed him or a parental figure cooler than Sam to talk to.

One of them by his side as he finally reached heaven.

Chapter Text

The white light was blinding at first.

His eyes taking a few seconds and squinted blinks to adjust.

But when they finally did, he could see where Jack had decided to put him down.

An open clearing in a dense pine-tree-forest with small turfs of grass on the hard bedrock poking through, making it harder for anything to grow there.

Tall mountains decorated the background and in the middle of the clearing stood a wooden cabin build with dark large timber logs.

“Welcome to the new and improved heaven”, Jack said with a satisfied smile.

“Thank you Jack… this is. Wow, just beautiful”, Dean mustered out as he looked around, taking in the view.

It was truly breathtakingly serene but a hard ball of dread still slowly started to form in the pit of his stomach.

The image of his family standing around his bed right before Jack pulled him up.

Cas´s face. It had been facing his body in the bed, but still his emotion was obvious from where his soul was standing. Broken.

“I will look after them”, Jack reassured him as if he had read his thoughts.

Dean thanked him with a warm hug, “I´ll see you around, I guess. No heaven without God huh?”, and two pats on the back as the young man turned to leave.

The cabin wasn't at all that big, the front of it had a raised porch-deck, covered by the roof being continued around five-feet longer out from the wall and supported by four wooden beams.

And in a tattered chair sat Bobby.

“Well I´ll be damned”.

Dean´s face scrunched in confusion, “what memory is this?”.

Bobby chuckled, “it ain't you idjet”.

But Dean didn't quite believe him because last he heard, Bobby had been in heavens lockup.

“That kid of yours, before he went… wherever, made some changes around here".

Dean sat down in the chair next to him and Bobby handed him a beer that had seemingly appeared out of thin air.

He went on to tell Dean about the others.

About how they lived close by, but that it was all relative. If you wanted to walk far, the walk would be long but if you wanted a place to be right after the next turn, it would be.

Dean had of course had an idea of what heaven would be like from Cas and Jack telling him about what they were doing here when they went.

But it was still hard to fathom that it would be like this.

“So Jack did all this?”

“Well, Cas helped”, Bobby raised his eyebrows waiting for Dean´s response.

The corner of Dean´s mouth lifted to a crooked smile, “yeah I know”, he nodded and fiddled with the ring on his right ring-finger.

Gold with a small light-blue, glass-like stone in the center.

He´d moved his signature silver ring to his left hand after Cas had put the gold one on his finger.

It had taken some time to get use to the feeling of it being on a different hand, but it was a welcomed change.

“We um… well, him and I we…”, he didn´t know what he should say. It surprised him how difficult it suddenly was.

The people who already knew, hell, even complete strangers was easier to tell than saying it to an old friend like Bobby, he didn't even want to think about what he would tell his parents who lived not to far from the hut.

Deep down he knew that Bobby would probably be okay with it, even supportive of their relationship, but his folks? No way.

Dad would, without doubt or hesitation… he washed the intrusive thought down with another glug of his beer.

Bobby huffed but didn't comment on his loss of words.

“So where are you gonna go now?”, he asked.

Dean took this opportunity to not speak any further and turned his gaze out on the scenery. Scanning it from one side to the other.

When his eyes got to the very corner of his vision to his right, he spotted a very familiar looking car next to a big elm tree.

“I think I´m gonna go for a ride”.  

The road was strait as a board and seemed to stretch on forever.

Tall pine and oak trees framing the road until they thinned out and the mountains came into full view as the backdrop to the more open field.

It reminded him of the winding roads he and Sam had driven on countless of times.

Maybe this one could become twisted like those if he had the imagination to make them do so.

But he kind of liked just cruising like this.

He turned on the music for a time but decided that for now he wanted to just let the sound of the car fill the vacant air around him.

He could drive on like this forever.

Okay maybe not forever-forever, now that he was physically able to do so if that was truly what he wanted to do with his eternity, but still forever seemed like something he would want in this moment.  

At least until someone from his family other than his old folks would show up.

Was it bad that he already missed them?

The kids, his brother and Julie-Ann? His friends, Eliz and the band? Cas? Fuck how he missed Cas.

He closed his eyes and let his muscle-memory control the car. What was going to happen if it failed him?

I´m gonna die twice? ha! He smirked to himself.

There was something almost therapeutic about just cutting off the other senses and only focusing on the low growl of Baby´s engine and the white-noise of the tires gripping and releasing the asphalt.

He let go of all thoughts and let his body become one with the seat.

A sound cut him out of his trance.

A low hum at first, barely noticeable. If he have had his eyes open, he might have been to distracted by the scenery to hear it.

He frowned still eyes closed, trying to make out what could be making that sound.

Was it his own car? Had the wind picked up? And could it even do that in heaven?

The sound drew closer, and as it did a pattern in the hum began to form.

Like a rhythm, continuously thumping a bit louder than the static humming noise.

Like… music?

He sprung his eyes open and looked in his rearview mirror. Nothing. Then his sideview mirror, also nothing.

But the sound was almost loud now, like when he´d have his own radio on low-medium.

Just when he was beginning to think he must be going crazy from driving this long, he heard a high-pitched yell.

He whipped his head to the side, just as the beige front end of a car came in to view, and soon it was driving right beside him.

A young woman sat in the driver’s seat, a worn-out cap on her head and a pair of sunglasses, the top of the car rolled down.

Dean smiled in disbelief as she reached up and pulled the sunglasses down enough to send him a wink.

“Sascha?!”, he called out to her.

She didn't respond verbally. Instead she pushed back her glasses, briefly moved her foot from the gas pedal letting the car fall slightly behind

Before she stomped on it completely, overtaking him with a loud `wooo´, a cheeky grin and her right middle-finger.

Oh, so this is how it's gonna be?  “Little girl wants a race?”, he cockily challenged, “well then let´s race!”.

The cars flew down the straight road.

Baby snarling like a possessed motorbike, making enough noise for the both of them; Sas´s car of course being completely silent except from her speakers blaring loudly.

Dean overtook her at one point, but her car was newer and naturally had more speed to race with, even in heaven.

Just as it looked like he would lose big time, her taillights getting further and further ahead, she suddenly stopped, parking the car with the front end on his side of the road.

Dean stood on his brakes, coming to a halt only a few feet away from the corner of his front hitting her passenger-side door.

He let out a couple of heavy relieving breaths, before swinging the door open; exiting with his arms lifted.

“What the hell where you thinking? Are you crazy!”. For a moment the adrenaline made him forget that probably nothing would have happened if he had driven into her.

Sascha got out of her car laughing so hard she could barely stand.

“Now that’s what I call a race!”, she clapped her hands slowly, “what is it old man? You look like someone who has just seen a ghost”.

Dean eased up and a small chuckle escaped his upturned lips.

Sascha walk over and pulled him in for a short hug before letting go and leaning her back against his car.

“So, what have happened since my untimely demise?”, she asked with a smile almost to wide for the dark undertone of the question asked.

Dean wasn't completely sure on how to answer it, as there had happened so much in the over twenty years since then and yet everything seemed so mundane, having lived through it.

“A lot of things, kiddo. Lot of everyday stuff”:

He might need a moment to think of a few highlights, but waiting in silence was never Sascha´s forte.

“A lot huh? How about we play a little game of interview? Rules easy, I ask, you answer”.

He huffed out a chuckle at her suggestion but agreed, as it would also let her take control of what she wanted to know.

Which could be either be a good- or possibly scary opportunity to give her depending on what mood she was in.

 “How was my funeral?”, was the first question out of her mouth.

Dean was a bit startled at her quick determination to ask precisely this question. What did and didn't she like to hear?

“It was… nice”

“Nice?”

“Yeah, what else is there to say? it is a weird question to ask okay”, he flopped his arms in a `I don't know´ sort of way.

“Well, wouldn't you like to hear about yours when someone who was there gets here?”

A flash of Cas´s facial expression as he sat there by the bedside flew by in his head.

He personally wouldn't want to hear about it, to be told how sad his loved ones were or worse, that they wasn't sad at all.

But Sas wanted to know so he told her about the other parts of that day.

“No not really. But if you really want to know, everybody wore colorful clothes just like you wanted, the band played some of that music you liked and Eliz did a nice speech about you, Cas too and-“

“Cas did a speech for me!”, she cut him off in disbelieving-excitement, “I would die again just to hear him flatter me to high heavens! Pun deeply intended”, she smirked a raised eyebrow at him.

Dean just shook his head, pretending to not be the tiniest bit amused but a small smile giving him away.

Her face turned more thoughtful, “they didn’t morn me too much did they? Eliz I mean. They weren't too broken were they?”. She avoided looking at him, her eyes shifting between different spots in the horizon and a spot on the ground somewhere around her shoes.

“They were for some time, but they got through the worst of it, with the support of your friends. They are good people”.

She nodded with a gentle smile, then her brows scrunched together as she looked up to face him, “you kept in touch?”.

“Yeah. We went to Eliz´s new year's party every year and a few concerts when they were near town, the band even played at our reception”, he fondly reminisced.

“TAKING GNEISS FOR GRANITE PLAYED AT YOUR FUCKING WEDDING!?”, she exclaimed loudly in surprise, “YOU TWO GOT MARRIED!?”.

She playfully punched his shoulder, with a bit too much force and laughed happily, “Dean you sly fuck, why didn't you lead with that?”.

He shrugged with a guilty smile whilst he rubbed the shoulder that had been hit.

"But you were happy right? You and Cas?”, she asked in an almost loving tone.

He couldn’t help but grin like a fool, “very”.

They talked on like this for a while. Having all the time they needed to talk about everything Sas wanted to know.

Dean told her about the kids, his job, Cas´s and some of their many trips and vacations, leaving out the hunting part of course.

He could have told her now that it wouldn't affect her living life and after she had naturally found out about heaven and angels, demons, ghosts and shapeshifters didn't seem so crazy anymore.

But he didn't, leaving something for Cas to tell her.

When he told her about Eliz getting married to the new lead singer of the band she chuckled, “yeah they have a type alright. Do you think it will be awkward when they both get here then? Guess I will have to beat the wife in a fight for Eliz´s love… or form a throuple. Uhh or try and date Jesus? He´s real right? Uh, or God! That would be like the worlds biggest flex”, she rambled, Dean trying not to react like a father who had just heard his friend tell him that she maybe wanted to date his son.

That was also a conversation he would be saving for Cas to have with her.

When she was done laughing she scanned the scenery, “so this is your road to heaven?”, she questioned him like she was evaluating the place, “this was your favorite?”.

He hadn't quite thought of it like that but yes, this was probably his favorite kind of landscapes to drive through.

“It´s similar to my favorite place actually”, she stated as she tipped herself of his car and turned face him, putting her hand over his eyes.

She removed them again with a `tadaa´.

The gray mountain with the snow-covered top in front of them had turned into a huge red rock with a flattened top and the grassy ground with a couple of lush trees, had transformed into an ocher-colored desert, and the trees into a few scattered cacti or succulents.

The sun still high and the road still straightened on into forever.

“Where are…”, he came to a halt as he noticed a sign reading `eight hours to Lebanon´ and he remembered what Cas had told him and Sam about where he had landed after falling out of the empty, “… this is where you met Cas isn't it?”.

She nodded very matter-of-factly, “yep. I should probably have been more nervous about letting an strange-older-man into my car, alone, but I honestly wasn't really. It was like I knew that he was alright, you know? Well, little did I know I was picking up my new best friend that day”, she ended her sentence with a soft and warmhearted chuckle.

He knew the feeling. He also had no idea that he was meeting the man he would marry; the love of his life, that night he had stabbed Cas in that barn when they fist met.

But somehow it was like he had always felt it, even when it had been deeply buried under duty, hate, guilt and disbelief, he´d known.

“Well Deanie boi, I think it´s time for me to dive on”, she padded him on the back, “gotta go see my granie-gran-gran, but um Dean?”, her face grew more serious but still warm and kind, “don’t drive on forever, just waiting. I did that for the first ten years; doesn't make you miss them any less”.

He also knew that but a part of his just didn't want to stop just yet.

“And I´ll be back when Cassie gets her, so you won't be rid of me that easy”, she got in her car with a cartoonish-villain laugh.

He held his hand up in a wave but the dust swirling up from her speeding off, made him have to cover his eyes with it.

When he could no longer hear the sound of her tires on the road, he reopened them.

Only to find that he as no longer on Sascha´s desert road but back at his own landscape, on a bridge that felt like he´d been there before.

Maybe he shouldn't continue his driving just yet, he could just stay here a bit, resting his arms on the bridge´s railing.

Yeah, he could do that for a little while, it was beautiful there and just so peaceful.

A sound caught his attention. Well, not an actual sound, more like a familiar shift in the atmosphere, a person was there with him and he smiled already knowing who it was without having to turn around

“Hey Sammy”, he greeted his little brother as he turned to look at him.

He looked just like he had done the day Dean had died, not a day older but happier.

“Dean”, he greeted back.

Dean let a teethy smile grow on his face when he pulled Sam into a strong hug fitting in with how much he had missed him.

They stood there on the bridge for a bit not really talking, just enjoying being back in eachother´s company, when Sam suggested that they go visit the people they knew who was already there.

Dean agreed, not that he was that desperate to see anybody else, well maybe Cas obviously, especially not their parents just yet, but Sam when mentioned that Dean´s friend, and drummer of the band, had passed a few years before Sam self, he couldn't see the point of not going.

So they climbed into the car just like old times and let the Impala roar off.

They drove like that for a moment, Dean letting Sam pick the tunes for once now that he had eternity to road-trip to his own music.

Sam was telling him about the kids lives.

Dean Jr. taking over as the drummer of Taking gneiss for granite, when he was in his last year of college, after Dean´s friend died, continuing to play after getting a stable job, taking over Dean´s auto-shop.

How Luna married a good guy and became a professor in religion and folklore, doing speeches and lectures all around the country, the world even.

Jackie turned out the most like her uncle.

Insisting on inheriting the Impala still on earth and traveling out to do hunts, steadily building up a strong reputation for herself as a skilled and hardworking hunter.

As Sam talked on, a figure on the side of the road slowly came closer into view.

It looked like a person and Dean slapped his brothers shoulder to get his attention on the silhouette.

Sam squinted his eyes curiously, “Is that a person? What are they wearing?”.

Dean also tried to make out what that long flowing fabric could be, when it hit him.

It´s a goddamn trench-coat!

“I know that trench-coat!”, he passionately exclaimed and he skittered the car to a halt.

The door almost broke off as he desperately swung it open, standing on leg on the road, the other one in the car, hands gripping the door and the roof.

“CAS”, he called out, all the emotions ringing clear in his voice.

The figure stopped and slowly turned around to face him.

“Hello Dean”