Archive of Our Own ^beta

< Do I have to morph human? > 

We were planning a trip to the movies together. 

< Can't I morph a mouse or something and hang out in someone's pocket? >

Everyone just looked at me, blankly. 

< I understand your hesitation, > Ax said finally. < Human morphs can be difficult. >

"But Tobias is human," Marco pointed out. "He has practice. What's the deal, dude?" he asked, turning to me.

We were in the woods where Ax and I spent most of our time, in a small clearing. The human Animorphs were sitting in the grass. Ax was stood off to one side, and I was perched in a tree just at the edge of the clearing. 

< It's cheaper if you don't have to pay for my ticket, > was all I said. Technically true.

Rachel gave me a look. < What? > I asked, in her head alone. < It's true. > She raised an eyebrow quizzically. I ignored it.

"Tobias, we already have the tickets," Jake said tiredly. "And I don't want to deal with getting caught smuggling a mouse into a movie theater."

< I'm not going. > I'd never used my human morph, not since regaining the ability to morph. I knew what would happen, and I didn't want to do that to myself. 

< Tobias, > Ax said, to me alone, < Why are you hesitant to morph your human form? >

Ax and I were Shorm , the closest of bonds. We kept nothing from each other- but that didn't mean we'd had a chance to say everything yet.

< It's not my body, not the way it was before. It's just my DNA. >

< Is the difference significant? >

< It is to me. >

< I do not understand how it could be. Were you injured? >

I considered that. < I suppose you could call it an injury. I had a body part removed. >

< Intentionally? >

< My DNA is female, > I told Ax.

< Interesting, > Ax replied. < You are Ladhait . >

< The human word is transgender, > I explained, feeling relieved that he understood. < My DNA - it won't have the changes I made to my body. >

Ax nodded thoughtfully. < I understand, now. >

It was as simple as that.

"You two going to share with the class?" Rachel asked, reminding me how obvious it was when Ax and I spoke privately.

I paused, considering my words to the group as a whole. < If I have to go as a human, I'm not going, > I said simply. I knew Ax would understand not to share. < Anything else to discuss? >

Jake sighed. "Who wants to volunteer to smuggle Stuart Little?" 

Rachel and Ax raised their hands. 

I had first come out a long time ago, to a school counsellor. They'd been supportive, helped me convince my aunt and uncle to let me transition. Surgery, hormones. The stuff I needed. But just because my aunt and uncle let me, didn’t mean they were understanding.

I hadn't told anyone since, until Ax. 

When the Ellimist let me acquire my human DNA as a morph, I didn't realize what that meant.

I used the morph almost right away, only to find out it wasn't the body I'd been missing. It was wrong .

I was pretty sure the others just assumed I would rather be an animal than human. That they thought it was about being human instead of being about my specific morph.

I wasn't ready to tell them otherwise.

"I know you don't like it, Tobias," Jake explained. It was weeks later, and we had a lead we needed to follow. "But the plan hinges on it. If you insist on doing something, you'll have to morph human." 

I groaned over thought-speech. < You don't get it, > I said simply. I would do my part for the mission- the mission came first- but I would not forgo complaining.

"Yeah, yeah," Marco retorted. "Birds are superior, yada yada. It's just an hour, dude."

< Could I not take Tobias' place? > Ax suggested. < I am quite adept at quickly morphing human after leaving a morph. >

< No go, Ax-man, > I said resentfully. < No offense, but as much as I hate this it makes sense why it's me. I'm the only one who can fly long enough to get there. >

I won't go into the details of the plan. All that matters is that there was this ship, hours of flight time from shore, that one of us would need to infiltrate. I would need to morph human to move around the ship safely, and blend in with the few non-controllers; any animal would be killed on sight.

Maybe one of the others could have morphed dolphin to get there, taking breaks to tread water and demorph, but there was no way onto the ship from the water.

It had to be me.

"I don't like the idea of you going without backup," Cassie spoke up. 

< I have to. > 

"Tobias," Jake intoned. "You don't. We can call it off." 

< I have to, > I repeated. The mission was important.

"You haven't even morphed human once," Marco observed. "You might be out of practice with having legs."

He had a point. But I didn't want to practice- to spend more time in that morph. < I'm bipedal as a hawk, > I deadpanned. < I'll be fine. >

< I know it is uncomfortable for you, but Marco is right that you should practice the morph. > Ax was right, I knew. < Perhaps when we return to the woods. >

< Yeah, whatever. Find my sea legs. > It was a decent joke, but my delivery fell short. I was too irate. 

< I have a thought, > Ax declared suddenly. Looking around the group, I could tell he spoke only to me. < I could teach you to combine morphs, as I did for my human morph. >

I paused. < You mean, I'd have a male human morph? Tobias the human, fully male? >

< Yes, > Ax replied cheerfully. < Most Ladhait don't have this option, but since your human form is a morph instead of a resting state… >

"You guys know we can tell when you're doing that, right?" Rachel quipped.

I looked around the group. My friends- my comrades in arms. Eventually, I'd tell them.

< You'd have to acquire Jake or Marco to do it, > Ax added.

Eventually was coming sooner than I'd like.

< Jake, > I started hesitantly, sending my thought-speech only to him. < Can I… Can I acquire you? >

Jake blinked. "Why?" he asked dumbly, evidently not realizing I had kept my question between us.

< I don't know if I'm ready to explain, > I admitted. < It's not to morph you, specifically. It's to combine morphs. >

"...why?" Jake asked slowly, looking around at the group's confused expressions.

< It's not that I don't want to be human, > I relented. < I don't want to morph myself, not without changing it. >

"Tobias, did you forget how to speak out loud or something?" Marco asked, interrupting. I could tell he was trying to crack a joke. I didn't bite.

< Please, Jake. >

"After the meeting," he said simply.

I glanced around. Cassie, concern clear on her face as she looked between me and Jake. Rachel, clearly annoyed at being in the dark. Marco, looking curiously at Ax's lack of curiosity. Jake, eyes locked to mine, trying to read me.

< Oh, fuck it, > I said exasperatedly to the group. < I'm trans. My DNA is female. >

Noone said anything. 

Jake reached out an arm.

Silently, I hopped onto Jake's arm and concentrated. As he started to get drowsy, he lowered the arm I was perched on to rest it on his crossed legs. 

Rachel smirked. Cassie frowned, unsettled. Marco raised an eyebrow.

< Ax realized he can teach me to combine morphs, > I explained. < I'm just borrowing a Y chromosome. >

Jake stirred. "S'fine," he mumbled, coming back around. "I agreed."

"You told the alien first," Marco pointed out. "There's a joke there somewhere, if you give me a minute."

"Of course he did," Cassie jumped in. "They're Shorm ." 

"Tobias," Rachel said suddenly "Is this why you became a nothlit ?" 

I ruffled indignantly. < I'm not stupid, Rachel. I know species dysphoria is harder to manage than gender dysphoria. >

"Sorry," she admitted. "It's just, if you weren't comfortable in your body… I couldn't help wondering."

< I medically transitioned years ago, > I explained. < Before we met. But none of that affects DNA. >

"Oh. Sorry."

I knew, really, that she meant well. They all did. < I'll see you all in a couple days, > I said dismissively. < If I'm flying out in the morning, I should get some sleep. >

For once, I didn't bother waiting for Ax. I wanted a little time to myself before meeting him to learn to combine morphs.