Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The first time Matt dies he is nine. The chemicals do more than take his eyesight. In the ambulance on the way to the hospital, Matt screams. Everything is burning, his face, his arms, and his throat. He swallowed some of the chemicals and now it feels like his insides are melting. As his heart slowly stops beating the medics around him get louder and louder, shouting at each other. The last thing he hears is his father pleading with him to hold on, “I can’t lose you too Matty.”

He wakes gasping a few moments later as the shock of a defibrillator hits him. Everyone, Matt included, assumes that it was the electricity that brought him back to life. It isn’t until later that he learns otherwise.

***

The next time it happens is a year later. It’s late and his Dad is at a match and Mat is left to fix dinner for himself. His father left the pasta on the upper shelf in the cabinet and Matt can’t quite reach it. He climbs onto the counter to reach, grinning in triumph as his hand lands on the box. He moves to step off the counter, but he trips over a loose shoelace. He falls and blacks out as he hits his head on the cabinet opposite him. 

He wakes up with the scent of copper all around him and blood soaking his shirt. His head doesn’t even hurt, he feels fine. When he brings a hand to the back of his head to check for a wound, there is none, even though his hair is tacky with blood. His heart starts racing and he can feel his hands shake as he gets up. He doesn’t know what’s happening, but he can’t let his dad find the blood. His dad can’t know what happened.

He cleans up the majority of the blood with a towel, then gets gloves and bleach and works on the floor until it doesn’t smell like blood anymore. The fumes make him cough and his eyes water, he feels like he’s going to pass out but he can’t stop. He opens a window when he’s done and puts the bleach away. The shirt and towel are thrown away in the dumpster where his dad won’t see them and takes a shower.

As the lukewarm water runs down his body Matt tries desperately not to think what all of this could mean. There was so much blood on the floor. Could a person lose that much blood and live? But he was here, he wasn’t dead so it must be possible. But there was no wound, what could have happened? Matt decides to not think about it. To take today and put it away in a box in a dark corner of his mind. He’s fine, so it doesn’t really matter, right?

***

When he finds his Dad’s body in the alleyway he waits there with bated breath. Maybe his dad will heal too. Matt did after all and he had to get it from somewhere. But nothing happens, he sits there as his body cools until the police come and take him away.

***

The third time it happens is with Stick. He’s learning to scale buildings, and how to jump from one to the other. They are at the edge of a building and Stick has asked Matt to jump across. He’s nervous, he can’t see but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know how high up it is. “C’mon Matty, it’s only one story, don’t be a pussy.”

Matt takes a deep breath and steps back from the ledge. He takes a running start and then jumps, arms pinwheeling in front of him. He panics as he realizes he isn’t going to make it, he didn’t jump far enough. The ground comes to meet him in a rush, the last thing he hears is a sickening cracj and then there is nothing.

***

Matt wakes to Stick cursing “Shit, fucking shit.” He opens his eyes and sits up. Stick’s heart starts to race, which is weird, Stick’s heart is almost always steady unless he’s angry. Stick must be angry because Matt failed. He’s so nervous he doesn’t even register that his body doesn't hurt at all from the fall.

“I’m sorry Stick, I’ll do it next time. Let me try again.” Matt says as he gets to his feet.

Stick stands there in silence then he comes over and runs a hand around Matt’s neck. Matt stiffens but says nothing, letting the other man examine him. “You died Matty, how the fuck are you up again.” He finally says.

“What no, I just fell, I’m fine,” Matt says heart jumping. His breathing ratchets up a pace and his hands start shaking.

“You broke your neck. I heard it myself. When I got down here your heart wasn't beating Matty. What the fuck is this.” Stick insists, his voice raised in something more than anger.

The box in the back of his mind that holds the time he woke up covered in blood opens and he starts shaking harder. “I - I don’t know.” Matt stutters. “But - But I think it’s happened before.” Stick needs to know. Stick will know what to do.

“Tell me,” he demands, and Matt does.

***

After that Matt dies a lot. He’s looses track of how many times. Along with his normal training, Stick kills him. Says they need to know how it works, and how they can use it in the war. Matt was scared the first time, really scared. It hurt when Stick slit his neck, but he faded quickly and when he came back Stick was happy. 

“Now this, this is something we can use,” Stick says. He’s happy, and that makes Matt happy. He is going to be useful, he's going to be a warrior.

Stick kills him in different ways and times how long it takes for him to come back to life.  At first, it took him ten minutes to come back. But they discover that the more it happens the faster he recovers. They test everything. Burning is the worst Matt decides, it feels like the chemical spill that took his sight only worse, so much worse. But after a little while he doesn’t feel anything at all.

Eventually, they have it down to under two minutes and Matt is so proud, but Stick isn’t satisfied. “It’s not fast enough Matty. They could tie you up, get you out of the fight. You need to be faster, better.” Stick focuses more on killing Matt than actually training him to fight. But that’s fine, Matt wants to be his best. Stick’s just helping him achieve that. It doesn’t matter that it hurts, that sometimes Matt wakes in the night biting back a scream from dreams about drowning, how his air left him and water filled his lungs until he blacked out. 

Stick is molding him into the best weapon he can be and that’s what Matt wants (Even if Dad would have never wanted this for Matt.) He will be the best fighter in Stick’s war. It is what gets him through the training. He’s dealing with it.

Until Stick leaves and all Matt is left with are the numerous scars from his deaths and the bitter taste of failure in his mouth.

*** 

At first, he thinks Stick is going to come back. So Matt practices all the katas and moves Stick taught him. He practices them until he is exhausted, until he can’t move anymore. But the thing Stick thought was his best advantage, a skill no one could match, was his awakening after death. They still hadn’t gotten it under two minutes and Matt knows what he has to do. It’s silly, he’s done it so many times before, but he’s scared. He’d never killed himself, it had either been an accident, or Stick had done it. 

The sisters say taking your life is a sin. Guilt churns in his gut as he thinks about it. But it can’t be a sin if he knows he’s going to come back right? He thinks about it for days, planning and discarding what he should do. Once he settles on one he travels back to the basement he and Stick had practiced in, armed with one of the kitchen knives stolen from the cutting block. He undresses before he does it, he only has so many pairs of clothes and he doesn’t want to ruin these ones with blood. It’s practical, Stick would approve. Once he’s nude he sits down in the corner, his back against the wall and picks up the knife.

He runs it across his finger and it cuts it with no resistance. It’s sharp enough. His hands tremble as he brings the knife to his wrist. He scowls in anger, he shouldn't be scared, he’s died so many times, awoken at least one hundred time,s this isn’t any different. He makes an angry jagged cut and feels the blood start falling down his arm. It’s warm but it cools as it drops to the ground. After the initial pain, it’s almost calming. He feels like he’s floating, just getting weaker and weaker until he falls asleep. 

When he wakes up he realizes he didn’t check his watch before he cut himself. He has to do it again. This time when he cuts his wrist his hands don’t shake as much. He’s proud of his progress.

***

By the time he’s gotten his awakening time down to around a minute, he’s realized that Stick isn’t coming back. He has no one to tell of his accomplishments. He isn’t going to be part of a war. He’s just a freak who can’t die, with no purpose for what Stick called a gift (Sometimes it seems like a curse). He stops practicing. Promises himself he’s not going to do it again. He’ll live his life in anonymity, just another body in the crush of everyday life.

(He tells himself he’s not relieved about it, that he’s upset he won’t get to use his gift. He  pretends, but deep down he knows it isn’t true.)

***

He doesn’t die for years after that, he wouldn’t say he lives life carefully, but he doesn’t go at things with the reckless abandonment of his youth. It happens again in college. With Elektra he starts taking risks again, doing things that make his blood rush in a way it hasn’t since Stick left. Breaking and entering, stealing, sparring with Elektra and the sex. 

He’s tied up and Elekra has a knife. He’d been hesitant when they had first done this, But Elektra had been persuasive. “It’s not like there’s a danger of killing you if things go wrong Matthew.” She had said, and she was right. Now it is a regular staple in their sex life. 

Like everything with Elektra, it's exhilarating. The sting of the cut is followed by the flow of blood. Elektra’s sharp intake of breath after every swipe of the blade. It sends him higher and higher until he feels like he’s not in his body anymore. It’s why he doesn't protest when she cuts near his inner thigh. He doesn’t notice until it’s too late that she cut an artery. The rush of blood from the cut crashes him back to reality. He feels woozy and his tongue is heavy as he says “Elektra we need to -” Elektra shushes him. “It’s fine Matthew, just let it happen.”

Matt doesn’t want it to happen. He struggles in his bonds, but there is no give. Panic crawls up his throat and he bites back a scream. But Elektra wants this and he can do this for her. His heart slows in his chest and he feels cold and then he blacks out. 

He wakes with his chest heaving, his heart racing, the scent of blood all around him. Elektra is sitting on his chest studying him. She gasps when he comes back to. “Matthew, this is… this is amazing.” She sounds so happy, awed. He hates it and yearns for it in the same moment. He doesn’t want to go back to what Stick had him doing. But Elektra likes it, she clearly wants it, and for her he will do anything.

***

It isn’t like with Stick. It isn't an exercise or a fight, sharpening him into a blade that no one could break. It’s a fascination, an obsession. She goes harder with him in fights, she’s killed him more than a few times during spars. He wakes up with his head pillowed in her lap, her hands wandering his body, tracing over the wounds she inflicted that have miraculously healed. Those times are better than when it’s in bed. 

Foggy notices something is wrong. He tries to pry, to bring it up in conversation, but Matt immediately shuts it down. Things are fine. He’s with Elektra and she loves him. The fact that he doesn’t like some of the things she does is so small in comparison to what she does for him. She knows him completely and she hasn’t left. She loves him. He can deal with this.

***

When she leaves he breaks. He kills himself for the first time since after Stick left and when he wakes up he cries and curses his life.

***

He hears the crying every night, the little girl begging for Daddy to leave her alone. He makes up his mind. He puts on all black and goes out into the night. Tracking the man is harder than it should be, he’s let his training slip. He follows the man to a train yard and he strikes. The man is larger than him, has more muscle on him too, but Matt has surprise on his side. He doesn’t see him coming. Matt punches him in the face with a hard uppercut. He can hear the other man’s teeth clack together and he thinks he hears a tooth crack. He gets another good hit to the man’s gut before the other man catches up. 

He sends a huge fist at Matt’s head and it catches Matt off guard, he falls back. He’s dizzy and he doesn’t hear the man pull out a gun until it’s too late. The shot hits him in the heart and he blacks out. 

When he awakens the man is still in sight, leaving the scene of the crime. Matt is on him in a flash. The man yells in surprise “You - You died? How did you-?” But Matt shuts him up with a punch to the face. He beats the man to a pulp and when the man falls to the ground Matt growls “If you touch your daughter again I’ll know.” and the man frantically nods and pulls himself away from Matt.

He feels righteousness burning in his chest. He stopped something terrible. He saved that little girl. He can do something good with what he’s learned and he knows then that this isn’t going to be a one-time thing. He needs to start training seriously again.

When he gets home he takes off his clothes. They’re covered in dried flaking blood so he puts them in a trash bag and decides to burn them later. He showers and stands under the hot spray letting it wash away the scent of copper. 

When he sleeps that night, for once it is deep and free from nightmares

Chapter Text

He couldn’t breathe. He was dying and it felt like drowning. It was a terrible way to die, his lungs screaming and even though he gasped, no air came to him. Slowly he lost focus on the world around him and he fell into the forever sleep.

He awoke gasping and he was glad to find his lungs working again. He couldn’t tell how much time had passed while he was under, but that terrifying thought was banished when he heard the woman across from him speak.

“You were dead.” Her voice flat with shock, “I checked, your heart wasn’t beating.”

Panic is clawing its way up in his chest but he ruthlessly pushes it down. Someone saw him die. He needs to fix this now. “You were wrong.” The words were clear, matter of fact, the voice of a lawyer. “My heart might have stopped for a moment but clearly, it restarted.”

“Don’t pull that bullshit. I know what I’m talking about. I’m a nurse. You sat there dead for over two minutes.” Shit, this just keeps getting worse and worse. Not only did she see him die, she had seen his face and she is a medical professional. 

Matt jumps to his feet and goes to the window to leave.

“Wait.” the woman calls out. “I’m not going to tell anyone about any of this, your face, your being able to do whatever it is you do even though you’re blind. Or the coming back from the dead. Let me at least look you over before you leave. From your reaction to me knowing I doubt you’ve ever had a professional check you out after you …” She trails off for a minute looking for a word. “...Come back.” she settles on.

Matt stops by the window and thinks. The woman’s heartbeat speaks truth, but that doesn't mean she is truthful. She could be a master manipulator. But the offer is tempting. He doesn’t know what this does to his body and knowing would be helpful.

He takes a step away from the window towards her couch and says “Okay.” and sits down. 

The woman releases a long breath, before grabbing something and making her way closer to Matt. “I’m Claire by the way.” 

“I’m going to listen to your heart now.” She brings a stethoscope to Matt’s chest and she is silent for a moment, all he can hear is his own anxious heartbeat thundering in his ears. “Well your heart is a little fast but I’m guessing that’s because you’re nervous about having all your secrets exposed.” Matt stays silent. She doesn’t need to know she is right.

“But otherwise your heart sounds healthy.” She takes his pulse next and finds nothing wrong there either.

“Now let me check your stitches. You could have pulled some when you came back.” She lifts Matt’s shirt before he can speak and she whistles long and low. “I guess when you come back everything heals. I should take those stitches out now.”

***

At the end of the night, Claire is something like a friend. She gives him her number and says “When you need medical care. I know you heal when you die, but that doesn't sound like a good long-term solution.”

She puts the number in his burner and he says he’ll use it.

The night went from a disaster to a win. He rescued the boy and he has someone on his side while he is in the mask

***

After that night Claire insists that he call her when he’s hurt despite his reassurances that he won’t need it. But Claire is sharp and she figures out that Matt is giving in to the end to fix things. This leads him to a phone call where Claire gives him what he could only describe as a talking to. 

“Matt, you can’t just keep killing yourself to heal your wounds. It isn’t healthy.”

“I thought you said I was in perfect health when you examined me,” Matt says.

“You were, but there is no telling what would happen when you die again. Also, it can’t be good for you psychologically.”

Matt resolutely doesn't think of the times he wakes crying and shaking.

“Claire, honestly I’m fine. There’s no need to-”

Claire interrupts him, “Please Matt, just call me if you're hurt, if not for you, then for my peace of mind.”

Matt sighs and concedes. “Fine, I’ll call you.”

 
***

And the thing is, he does. It’s inconvenient, he starts getting scars all over his body. They are difficult to explain away, but he does it anyway. He doesn't know whether it is to appease Claire or to avoid awakening in a panic. But in the end, it doesn't really matter.

What does matter is that Foggy and Karen are getting more and more worried about him. He doesn’t know if Foggy is buying the lies anymore, but Karen definitely isn’t. 

“Hey buddy, that looks painful,” Foggy says, gesturing to the bruise and stitching on Matt’s brow.

It was unfortunate that it ended up there instead of where he could cover it with his clothes.

“Yeah someone pushed me while I was out and I ended up running face-first into a lamp post.” Matt lies. 

It’s only there for a second before Foggy schools his expression, but it’s clear the other man doesn't believe him. 

Matt thinks about telling Foggy, being honest with him. Letting him know Matt completely as he is, not how he presents himself to the world. But he dismisses it immediately. Foggy would be angry with him for lying to him for so long. He might even leave. Matt can’t risk that.

No, he has to keep his secrets. His fantasies of letting Foggy in will remain just that.

***

That night before Matt leaves work, Foggy pulls him aside “You know you can tell me anything right?” He says in a soft voice.

The pronouncement cuts Matt deeply. He trusts Foggy with his life, for all that is worth with his abilities. Maybe it’s better to say he trusts Foggy more than anyone else in his life. But this is one thing he can’t tell him. 

“If someone is hurting you Matt…” Foggy trails off and there is something dark in his voice. Something Matt’s never heard before. It promises retribution. Matt’s insides light up at the sound of further proof that Foggy cares for him.

Matt smiles, small and crooked, and says “If someone was I would tell you. I promise this was just an accident.”

Foggy sight. His heart picks up mirroring Matt’s own heart at the lie. But while Matt’s heartbeat picks up because of the lie Matt’s unsure why Foggy’s does. Frustration? Anger?  It is certainly because he knows Matt is lying. But Foggy lets the subject drop. He squeezes Matt’s shoulder and says “I’ll see you tomorrow, bright and early.” And follows Matt out of the office.

***

A week later when the wound on his brow is close to healed, when Matt comes home with new bruises on his face and a cut on his thigh that could use stitches, he thinks of having to lie to Foggy again. Thinks of his soft inquiries, of his disappointment when Matt clearly lies to him. 
He can’t do it again. His heart slows as he comes to a decision.

He needs something that isn’t messy. His apartment isn’t an ideal place for this. He goes to his medicine cabinet and runs his fingers over pill bottles until he finds an old prescription for painkillers. Then he dumps the pills out on his palm and counts them. There are thirteen. Hopefully, that will be enough.

He’s never died this way before so he has no expectations. He sits down in his tub and swallows all of them and waits.

It’s peaceful, a much calmer way to die than anything he’s done before. It is truly, terrifyingly just like falling asleep. 

He wakes ten minutes later and finds himself covered in vomit he doesn’t remember expelling. He takes off his clothes and showers. His hands shake under the water and no matter what he does he can’t seem to steady them. When he gets in bed he slides his hands under the sheets and grips his hands into fists so tight that they hurt.

It still doesn't stop the shaking.

***

It becomes a routine. Whenever he has visible injuries he lets the sleep take him, to slip far far beyond this world. That, coupled with the times someone gets lucky and he falls when he’s out or worse, when he’s incapacitated and he has to take care of it himself. It ups the times he leaves his body to go to whatever nebulous dark place he goes while his body heals. 

He doesn’t always come back with tremors. The adrenaline while he’s out on patrol as the devil steady him. But when he’s at home in his apartment they last for hours. Sometimes they last into the morning.

When Karen notices he dismisses it with a grin, “A little too much caffeine this morning.” And they both laugh about it.

This is manageable. If it is all it takes to balance his nighttime activities and his day life is a little tremor, then it’s worth it. He fiercely doesn't think about the fact that he wakes up with tears streaming down his face and breath stuttering in his chest most nights after the ritual of the sleep.

It’s worth it. It is.

***

Matt keeps everything together for so long he believes it might work.

But now every time he awakens to his breath guttering and a panic so blinding that it takes up to an hour sometimes to calm down. 

The shaking is a constant now, and when he fights Nobu the thought of the sleep and that nebulous dark scares him so much he runs. 

Stick mocks him in his mind saying how he could have just killed himself and got right back up. But Matt couldn’t.

He doesn’t remember how he gets home, how he ends up on the floor, but Foggy’s gasp as he finds him there is buried into his memory. It takes everything in him to argue with Foggy about going to the hospital and then things fade out and tears burn in his eyes at the thought.

***

Matt wakes with panic burning in his chest like a wildfire. His ribs feel like they are closing in on him. His whole body is shaking and he doesn’t know where he is. 

The shocked teary exhalation of “Matt” draws his attention. But it doesn’t calm him at all. He hears steps as Foggy nears him and Matt reaches out. Foggy makes everything right. Matt doesn’t know why he’s so scared but Foggy can fix it. 

Foggy reaches out and Matt can feel the heat from his hand before it vanishes again as if Foggy is afraid to touch him. 

“Foggy what-” Matt starts, and his voice is a wreck, hoarse and shaking just as much as the rest of him.

‘You died Matt. Jesus how are you even…” Foggy asks and his voice is shaking too. He can hear the wet in it. Foggy has been crying. Crying because Matt died? Matt doesn’t remember dying, but the scent of copper is everywhere. Matt brings his hands to his pants where it smells strongest and his hands come away wet.

‘I don’t -” Matt is interrupted by a knock on the door. In Matt’s daze, he doesn't recognize the heartbeat on the other side. “It’s Claire. I’m here to help.” Comes through.

Foggy opens the door and lets her in. “Dios mia.” She mutters as she takes in the room. There must be a lot of blood. Then she takes a step towards Matt. “It happened again huh? I guess you didn’t need my help.”

“Wait,” Foggy says, his voice flat. Matt’s hands start to shake harder. Matt died and came back with Foggy here and that is a problem because Foggy doesn’t know.

“You knew about this.” Foggy’s voice is getting louder. “Both the mask and the fact that he apparently doesn’t stay dead?” Foggy is shouting now and any calmness that his presence brought is gone. His breath is stuttering in his chest again, but this time for a different reason.

He still doesn’t remember what happened and Foggy is mad and he will want to know what happened.

“Is your whole life a lie Matt?” Foggy waves back towards where Matt is on the floor by the window. “Was I just a convenient alibi for you?”

“No Foggy-” Matt starts but Foggy ignores him and says “What the fuck were you doing that you ended up like this Matt?’

“I- I don’t-” Matt starts and his shaking increases with his panic as he draws a blank. He’s never not remembered before. This is new. New and not good. “I don’t remember.” 

That answer makes Foggy angrier. “Of course, you don’t. Lying even now.”

Someone is kneeling down next to him. He flinches as a small hand touches his cheek. “Matt, do you really not remember what happened?” Claire asks, and her voice is soft with something he registers as worry.

The sound of pacing pauses as Foggy stops. “Is this a normal side effect of the not dying thing?” Foggy asks. His voice is still angry, but concern colors it.

“No. It’s not.” Claire tells Foggy. Then she turns to Matt and says “What’s the last thing you remember Matt?” She keeps her voice calm and steady. 

Matt gasps in a few breaths as he thinks. What does he remember? “G-Getting home from work.” His voice is steadier. He can’t fall apart in front of them. He needs to keep his composure. Foggy wants answers. He deserves them too.

“G-Getting ready to go out.” He realizes he is still shaking and puts his hands between his knees and squeezes them shut to steady them.

“That’s the last thing that you remember? Has this happened before?” Claire asks calmly, every image of a nurse caring for someone terrified. “I’m going to take your vitals.”

Matt feels steadier now, like the ground under him has stopped moving and can actually hold him. “No, It’s never happened before.” He answers.

“I sense a but there Matt. What else has happened that’s unusual.” Claire asks.

Foggy has stopped pacing and is sitting on the armchair across from him. Matt grimaces knowing he won’t like the answer. “I sometimes get tremors after I come back.” He answers honestly, his voice quiet with the truth.

He was right. Foggy doesn’t like the answer. He abruptly stands from the chair and mutters “Jesus, I knew it wasn’t coffee.” And starts pacing again.

“Do you know why you get them?” Claire asks as she pulls her stethoscope away from his chest.

“No.” he says.

“Don’t lie to me Matt, you might not know, but you have an idea,” Claire says harshly, flitting from nurse to friend and back again in an instant.

Matt’s tremors aren't as bad, but they are still there when he curls his hands through his hair. He huffs out a breath and stays silent.

“I noticed you haven't called me for help in weeks Matt. Does that have anything to do with this?” Claire asks probingly.

Matt winces. She already knows but she wants to hear him say it. “I’ve been dying a lot lately. It might be because of that.”

Foggy stops his pacing abruptly and turns to Matt. “You heal when you die. “ He says slowly and Matt nods in confirmation. But Foggy doesn't wait. “You’ve been killing yourself so you heal and Karen and I don’t know about your injuries.”

Silence hangs in the air between them, heavy and stifling. It hangs like Foggy is waiting for Matt to deny it, to have him tell them it isn’t true. But Matt has been lying to Foggy since the day he met him and he’s tired of it. 

“Yeah, that’s the gist of it,” Matt answers quietly.

Foggy laughs bitterly, “I want to say I can’t believe that, but the thing is, I can. If there is one thing I know it is that Matthew Micheal Murdock would do anything not to be a burden to someone.” Foggy puts his head in his hands and takes a few deep breaths.

“You're within the normal range. I can’t tell how this is affecting you unless you were to actually go to the hospital and go in for testing Matt. The only advice I can give you is to stop dying so much.” Claire says. Her voice is tired but warm. “It seems like you have a lot to talk about. I’ll leave you to it.”

The room is silent while she packs up and leaves. After the door shuts Foggy says “You need to explain all of this to me, Matt. Both the dying and coming back thing and the maybe not blind thing.”

So Matt does.

***

In the end, despite Matt baring his soul to him, Foggy leaves. Just like Matt knew he would. Knowing what would happen doesn't make the reality of it less painful

Chapter Text

Foggy comes back. He’s hurt and he’s angry, but he comes back and Matt will do anything to keep him in his life. He doesn’t understand why Matt wants to be in the mask, but Matt won’t budge on it, and thankfully Foggy relents.

“If you’re going to keep doing this you have to promise me one thing. You have to be careful Matt. This dying thing isn’t good for you.” Foggy says passionately.

“I don’t understand why it’s affected me this way. When I trained with Stick this never happened and I died almost as much.” Matt says in reply. Foggy has a point, but Matt doesn’t exactly have control over what the people he fights do. He can be careful, but what he does is dangerous and he can’t promise he won't be put into the long sleep.

“Stick is your ninja teacher? I guess you trusted someone enough to tell them.” Foggy says and the barbs in his word catch at wounds that are only now scabbing over.

“I didn’t tell him actually. I wasn’t even sure I was dying back then. I just thought the wounds weren’t that bad.” Matt says stiffly, trying not to sound angry. Anger won’t help, and Foggy has a right to be upset.

“Then how did he find out?” Foggy asks.

“He was teaching me parkour and I didn’t make it to the roof on the opposite building,” Matt says honestly. It feels strange talking about this so openly. It’s been a secret for so long that opening up feels good. Like lancing a wound and letting the sickness out.

“Oh, shit! He must have been so worried.” Foggy says.

“Worried isn’t the word I would use,” Matt says his mouth in a flat line, thinking about how Stick was so excited about the revelation about Matt’s other powers. Foggy’s heart speeds up and Matt tilts his head towards him.

“You said you died a lot under Stick,” Foggy says carefully choosing his words. “Why did you die a lot when he was training you?”

Matt doesn’t want to answer. Foggy won’t like what he has to say, but he knows Foggy will get mad if he tries to change the subject. If he lies and Foggy catches it it could be the end of them, so he speaks the truth. Matt licks his lips nervously and says “It was a skill he wanted to hone. Eventually, we found out that the more I died the same way, the quicker I would come back. He thought that was a valuable skill, so we trained it.”

“Jesus Matt, what the fuck.” Foggy breathes.

Matt smiles lopsidedly and says “Language.”

“No Matt, we are not doing that today,” Foggy says and Matt sighs. “We are not doing the thing where you reveal a past trauma and then sweep it under the rug with a joke.  You need therapy for this kind of stuff Matt.” Foggy says with feeling.

“Oh yes, I can just go see a therapist and tell them that a chemical spill gave me superpowers and because of it I was trained as a child for a secret war and while I was training we found out I could come back from the dead,” Matt says bitterly. “They’d either institutionalize me or I’d end up as some sort of lab rat.”

Matt hears skin hitting skin as Foggy rubs his hand over his face. “Okay, you have a point. But buddy these types of things affect you. You need to talk to someone.”

“Who, Foggy, who can I talk to?” Matt asks tiredly.

“You can talk to me,” Foggy says timidly.

“Foggy no, I can’t put that on you.”

“Matt, I know things are rocky right now, but you’re my best friend and I care for you. You shouldn’t have to shoulder these things alone.”

Matt Adams apple bobs as he swallows and thinks of unburdening himself. Of having someone to talk to about those times when he awakens and he’s shaking and terrified but he doesn’t know why.

“I’ll think about it,” he says

Foggy reaches out and puts his hand over Matt’s. “That’s all I’m asking for Matt.”

***

Things go into a new normal after that. Matt works during the day, goes out at night, and tries to balance the two. Foggy knows all his secrets now, but Karen doesn’t. Karen frowns when he comes in with injuries and looks suspicious when those injuries heal suspiciously quickly. He’s trying to not die as much. The tremors are gone and he wants to keep it that way. 

With the revelation also comes more nights with Foggy and Karen at Josie’s and sometimes with just Foggy for dinner.

“Matt you can’t work yourself to death. You need time to relax sometimes too. Your body needs to recharge.” Foggy scolds him. Matt opens his mouth to argue but Foggy puts his hands on Matt’s shoulders and says “And dying and getting whatever rejuvenating effect comes with it doesn’t count. I’ve seen how doing that too much affects you.”

Matt pouts but it’s more for the fun of it than anything else. “Fine,” he says, put upon. But the idea of spending more time with his friends is a good one.

***

Karen finds out in much the same way Foggy did. In a dramatic fashion that is entirely out of Matt’s control.

They had taken on a custody case. Mrs. Errol was leaving her husband because of domestic abuse. Mr. Errol was not happy about it and had lawyered up to make sure that Mrs. Errol would never see her daughter Victoria again. She had followed suit and found herself at the door of Nelson and Murdock and they couldn’t not take the case.

They had won and Mrs. Errol had paid them with actual money. They were closing up early to celebrate when the front door opened. Karen was by her desk and Matt was by her side smiling at a joke she had just made. The smile dropped quickly when Karen stiffened.

“You took her from me. She was my legacy and now she’s gone.” Mr. Eroll’s voice was twisted up with anger.

Matt took a step forward in front of Karen and spoke, his voice flat with anger. “You abused her and her mother. They left. They never belonged to you as they aren’t things you can smash about and put on display when you feel like it.”

Matt hears a small click and Karen gasps and freezes. “You damn lawyer with your big words. You think you can do whatever you like, don’t you? Well you’re not the big man now are you?” Mr. Erol sneers. His hand is steady, he intends to use that gun.

“Mr. Errol, you don’t want to do this.” Matt starts, but the other man takes two steps closer to him and says “No I really think I do.” Matt knows how to disarm someone with a gun, but Karen is watching. He shakes his head, it doesn’t matter. His secret isn’t worth her or Foggy’s life.

Foggy’s office door opens and he says “I heard raised voices, what’s going on?” 

Mr. Errol turns to look at Foggy and Matt strikes. He steps forward and grabs the gun, but before he can twist it from the other man’s hands it goes off. 

Matt groans as the bullet hits him in the chest. Mr. Errol panics, he drops the gun, and runs. Matt steps forward to follow him but Foggy’s hand on his shoulder stops him. “You need to sit down okay?” Foggy says and his voice is shaking. Matt can hear Karen crying faintly. He feels floaty, not a part of his body right now. A small part of him tells him that it’s because of the blood loss.

He hears Karen’s phone ring and he says, voice slurring “No hospitals, I’m not going to last. “ He knows what dying feels like and he’s close.

He hears Karen sob harder and Foggy talking to her. Hopefully, he manages to convince her to hang up. Having EMT’s show up to find him soaked in blood with a hole in his clothes with no wound is exactly what will lead to him ending up in a laboratory.

Foggy must have succeeded because the next thing he is cognizant of is Foggy’s hand on his shoulder and his voice scared but murmuring in a soothing tone.  Matt can’t understand what he’s saying but the tone is welcoming and Matt leans into Foggy’s hand as it all goes black and the sleep welcomes him.

***

Matt wakes to the sound of crying. “He’s dead Foggy. If you hadn’t stopped me from calling he might not be.”

“I told you, Karen,” Foggy says calmly, “He’ll be back.”

“Foggy I don’t know what your delusions are, but people don’t just come back from-” Matt decides now is as good of a time as any to interject. “Karen, Foggy’s not delusional.”

Matt hears Karen’s clothes shift as she turns to face him. Then she freezes, not even moving to breathe. Matt sits up and winces at the feeling of cooling blood soaking into his clothes. When Karen still doesn’t move Matt says “I’m fine Karen. Let's just say this isn’t my first brush with death.” He smiles and this seems to spur Karen into motion. 

She walks towards Matt and falls to her knees. “Matt,” she breathes, and her voice is wet, she’s still crying. “Oh my God Matt, I thought -” her hand flutters towards him but stops short of his shoulder as if she’s afraid if she touches him the illusion will shatter. “You were dead.”

Matt smiles softly at her, “I was. But so far death hasn’t really seemed to stick.”

“I know this is shocking,” Interjects Foggy, “Believe me,I really really get it. But we have to get Matt changed and clean up the blood. Someone most likely called in the gunshot and there is no telling when the police will arrive.”

Spurred into action Matt stands up and grimaces again. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think any part of this suit is salvageable.”

Karen laughs and the sound lifts a weight off of Matt’s shoulders Matt wasn’t even aware he was carrying. “It’s really not. Do you have a spare suit in the office?” she asks.

“I don’t.” Matt says, and he’s just thinking about leaving through the window and making his way home via rooftop when Foggy says “You have your gym bag though. You keep a spare change of clothes in there right?”

“I do. Not business wear, but it’ll have to do.” Matt responds.

“You go get cleaned up and I’ll get your bag.”

Matt makes his way to the bathroom without his cane and doesn’t notice Karen’s sharp eyes assessing him.

***

He ends up washing in the sink- using up a whole roll of paper towels and staining a towel they had in the closet to the point that he’s sure it can’t be salvaged even though he can’t see it. He hears a familiar heartbeat as Foggy knocks at the door. “Come in,” Matt calls.

Foggy’s heart stutters when the door opens and Matt flushes. Of course, Foggy would be uncomfortable with Matt being nearly naked, but before he can speak Foggy reaches out a hand and touches Matt’s shoulder right over a particularly nasty scar Matt got from a knife. “I didn’t realize you got hurt so much out there,” Foggy says with a quiet voice. His hand traces another scar with a feather-light touch that makes Matt shiver.

Matt reaches out and takes Foggy’s hand in his own. “I’m fine Foggy, It’s nothing.” And smiles at him fondly. 

Foggy’s heart speeds up and all too suddenly he takes two steps back and clears his throat. “Uh here’s your gym bag.” He thrusts the duffle towards Matt and as soon as Matt takes it he leaves and shuts the door behind him. As Matt stands there, for a moment and burns the memory of Foggy’s touch into his mind. It was so gentle. Matt hasn’t been touched like that in years. Possible since his Dad. As Matt gets dressed, his skin burns with the phantom of Foggy’s touch.

***

In the end, the police don’t even end up showing. 

“So you’re telling me a chemical spill gave you superpowers?” Karen asks, practically vibrating with excitement.

“They’re not superpowers,” Matt says.

“Uh buddy, gotta disagree with you there. You can come back from the dead, are a walking lie detector, and you have echolocation. You totally have superpowers.” Foggy says, patting Matt’s back as if consoling him for his bad luck.

“It’s like the Hulk!” Karen crows. Matt visibly grimaces and both Karen and Foggy laugh.

“I’ll take my skills-” Both Karen and Foggy boo at his choice of word, but Matt continues as if they had said nothing at all “over being a big green rage monster any day.”

And just like that things slot into place. Like a piece in a puzzle that he never really knew was missing. It’s a new normal. Three people know about him now, and the world hasn’t ended. He doesn’t have to hide from his friends and it feels good. Matt can come in with bruises and cuts and Foggy and Karen make sympathetic noises, but they don’t ask if someone is hurting him. Karen even asks how he got them sometimes and he’s surprised when he tells her.

Things have never been better. This is, of course, when life decides he has it too good and decides to throw a wrench into things. A wrench by the name of Stick.