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Chapter Text

CHAPTER ONE

JAMES

“And… There we are, two Americanos, an extra shot of espresso and a chocolate muffin for my favourite little lady” He said, holding out a small plate to an excited young girl.

“What do we say?” The little girl's mother asked with a wide smile.

“Thank you!” She continued unwrapping her muffin eagerly. They had been recurring customers for the last couple of weeks - new additions to the town, that was James’ assumption. He made sure to memorise everybody who visited the little cobbled cafe that sat at the end of the street in the small town of Enfield.

“No problem. Enjoy your coffee.” He sent a small salute her way as he turned towards the front counter. 

“Aren't you such a charmer, Mr Potter?” A voice called, a tall man entering the cafe, shaking his worn-out umbrella dry.

“That’s what they all say.” James placed a hand on his chest, battering his eyelashes. “Ah mate, it feels like I haven't seen you in forever.” The two locked in a tight embrace.

“It’s only been a week, James,” The man chuckled, patting him on the back.

“Remus, that is literally the longest we have ever been apart. Where have you been anyway?” 

“Here and there, you know? Did some work experience in that college down the road, thought it might make my CV look decent for employers.” Remus replied.

“Can’t even imagine what somebody would say if they looked at mine, lucky mum pulled some strings with good ol’ Ollivander, otherwise, no clue where I'd be.” He grabbed a new mug in a swift hand, pouring in the fresh coffee with a touch of expertise. “You shouldn’t worry though, any school would be over the moon to have you as a teacher.” He handed the drink to a woman, folding a napkin beneath the cup before she could ask.

“Hope so, would love to teach” Remus hummed thoughtfully. “Anyway, where’s my usual? Been here all bloody day and night.”

“Ah, flat white?” 

“You what?” Remus raised his eyebrows. “I will leave you a one star review if you ever suggest that despicability to me, ever again”

James grinned as he reached for a carton filled with brown powder. “Only the best hot chocolate for you.” 

“That’s more like it” He took a seat at the table closest to the counter, pulling out his laptop and notebook. A couple of wrappers and scrap pieces of paper fell out along with his books onto the table.

“What’s that all about?” James asked, placing a steaming mug filled with marshmallows down, taking caution of the stray papers. The aroma of chocolate filled the air.

“Health and social care.” He blew over the top of the drink a couple times and eventually took a sip – skimming over his precisely written notes. “Thanks mate.”

“Would never catch me doing that, I admire your bravery.” 

Remus rolled his eyes. “I think we all learned that in those last years of secondary school.” 

His brows furrowed, the memories of year eleven suddenly didn’t seem so far away anymore. “You know-” 

“James!” A voice called from the office room.

“Oh god, what’ve i done now?” He pulled a face, “Be right back.”

The room wasn’t much of an office, per se, it was more of a lounge area. Something you could have in your living room. It certainly took away any sort of professionalism, not that James had much of that anyway. But that was the thing about working in a place like this, it wasn’t manager and employee , it was family and family. Everybody was an equal.

“Ah, my boy, yes, yes. I have been needing to speak to you today.” The older man looked at James expectantly.

“I’m all ears.” 

“Well, you know how things haven’t been going too greatly, as of late.” Ollivander smiled sadly, “The bills are only getting higher and my income seems to be getting lower.” He motioned to the cafe, “This place is long past its prime now. As well as me. I’m too old to give the cafe the love and maintenance it needs.” The sad chips of paint hanging off the wall answered for him. “It’s time I give the old girl up and find my way into retirement.”

James’ mouth worked its way into a tight smile. “I understand.” He pushed out, ignoring the way his chest ached. 

His journey with the cafe had begun five years ago, when he was sixteen and his mum was eager to have him learn the ways of the world. Over this time he’d become a part of a community, a family. And to think it was going to all end in the blink of an eye.

“I know.. It’s late notice. You are a very talented young man, James. I'm sure you will have no struggle in finding a nice fitting job.” Mr Ollivander added, overenthusiastically.

“Thank you, it's a bit of a shock, really. But..” His mouth opened and closed a few times, to no avail. “I hope everything goes well with your retirement.” 

“Thank you my boy, you’re free to go at any time, of course you’re welcome to stay until close up if you wish. All the best to you” Mr Ollivander patted James on the back with a fatherly warmth. 

He walked back out front with one less skip in his step. 

“What happened?” Remus asked, mug in hand with his notebook perched on his knee.

James raised and dropped his arms in defeat “He’s closing down”.

“What? When?” 

“Today, I'm allowed to leave now. Suppose I kinda jinxed it earlier, didn't i?”

“That's really shit, sorry mate.” He started, “Hey look on the bright side, it's a new start, you’ll find a good job, meet some new people. It's all positive.”

“Yeah, not too sure on the job part. What am I meant to do now? I have no talent.” James muttered.

Remus stood, packing up all his things and furrowed his brow, “You have talent! You were the best football player at school.”

“Where's football going to get me in a job role?”

“Could be a footballer, you have the ego to be one.”

“I am having the worst moment of my life, Remus” 

“Oh stop sulking, you’ll find somewhere and you will enjoy it. Your life isn't over because you lost one job.” Remus raised an eyebrow, shrugging his bag over his shoulder.

The walk through the entrance door brought a swell of emotions. The bell dinged behind him, a cruel reminder of his exit. 

He could never do something half heartedly, it was always go big or go home and James always went big. Every inch of his being had been invested into this job role but he never considered the possibility that one day all his time and effort would be reduced to nothing.

All he would have left now was the memories that came with his time at the cafe. The conversations he’d had, the laughs, the embraces. They were all times he would carry with him until his last days. 

He dreaded having to tell his parents he was jobless, he had tried dragging out his time with Remus for as long as possible but all things came to an end eventually. So when he had to return to his accommodation, James was left with no choice but to walk home with his tail between his legs. 

What was he afraid of? He didn’t know. The decision was made through no fault of his own so it was highly unlikely his parents would have a bee in their bonnet over that. 

James took quiet steps as he tiptoed up the pathway to the front door. The top of his shoe snagged on one of his mum's garden gnomes. He hissed as the it fell with a loud clatter. He cursed the innocent gnome with the smug face and repositioned it out of the way. 

Quietly, he closed the door behind him with a small click and hoped his parents might just not be home yet. He felt like he was fifteen again and coming back after sneaking out. The aroma of his mothers cooking quickly blew his hopes out of the window. 

“James? Is that you?” She called from the kitchen.

“Yeah mum, I'm home.”

“Just in time, dinner's almost ready” she rushed out to the hall with a bright smile and kissed him on each cheek. “How was today honey?”

“Yeah, it was good, saw Remus, he stopped by the cafe.” 

“Awh Remus, you have to bring him over for dinner soon, I want to see him again.” James smiled at her words, she had always shown the highest compassion in regards to his friends. He admired her and her morals and would forever aspire to be the same way.

“Will do.” James replied, anxiety gnawed at his stomach, unable to muster up the strength to start a conversation. She led him to the dining room and ushered him to sit down.

“Monty! Dinner!”  

“Yes I'm here, im here, ah! James, you're home.” Fleamont said, taking a seat opposite him. “How was work?”

Unknowingly, his dad had come out blazing with the big guns. “It was alright.” He coughed away the uneasiness gathering in his throat. “I actually found something out.” 

Fleamont nodded for him to go on. 

James hesitated, “Ollivanders closing down the cafe. Today.” He smiled tightly, failing to downplay his dismay. 

“Oh no. That's so sad. That cafe has been the heart of our town for decades.” Euphemia frowned.

“How old’s Ollie now?” Fleamont asked.

She hummed, “Easily mid eighties.” 

“Ah, it was a long time coming. Don’t fret, James.”

“Yeah, I'm just a bit– you know, unsure of what I'm supposed to do now.” He admitted, “I’ll go mental if I'm confined to the house.”

“S’not like we don't have the money.” His dad joked – earning a scowl from Euphemia, though it was true. “So you don’t need to stress over finding something in a certain amount of time. You’ll find a good job with no issues, son.” 

“Yes, you definitely will.”

“What do I even apply for? I haven’t furthered my education at uni like I should have so that limits my options by a mile.”

“You could be a handyman around the neighbourhood, everyone always needs one of them.” His dad suggested. 

“I'm all for confidence dear, but James couldn’t use a hammer even if he tried. He couldn’t even open a Fray Bentos pie.”

“Hey, come on. In my defence, it was not my fault the tin opener didn't work.” 

“That didnt mean you had to get a whole drill out,” Euphemia added with a smile.

“Oh please” 

“Maybe a handyman isn't on the cards then.” 

“Perhaps not,” she laughed. “I think you should do something that uses your personality. You have such a kind heart and are always willing to support others, I saw that at the cafe. You always got along with the elderly.”

James thought about it. He always loved being there for others and if he could do that as a job, he would. 

“What kind of jobs would those be?”

“Well there are loads of kinds, maybe a supporter at the local care home.. I think you would work well with young kids, maybe in a nursery? Maybe even a therapist? You could go to university and gather all the bits and pieces you need.” She said, “I think that would benefit you as well as others.”

“I want to, I love the idea, but it takes years to get those qualifications and to be skilled in every area. I want to get out there and work straight away.”

“Good things come to those that wait, James.” Fleamont chimed in, mid-bite. 

“Exactly, you can do voluntary work while you study at university. That way you’d be working while studying for your future.” She suggested.

He tapped his finger against the table, “You know what, yeah. I like the sound of that.”

“Of course you should still stop by the job recruiter centre, see if they have anything you fancy.”

He nodded, “I’ll do that on monday”.

“Perfect, don’t stress, everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.” She smiled – placing a hand on his and squeezing lightly. 

“And you will have us right behind you all the way.” His dad reassured.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWO

JAMES

APRIL

Honestly, James wasn't expecting much from the job recruiter, he would be offered jobs he had zero knowledge, interest or experience in and then he would go home. And this is exactly how it seemed to be going.

“There is always the option of shop floor work in.. Sainsburys, Tesco. Morrisons are looking for cashiers” The man suggested as he looked up from his computer – his name badge read Fabian Prewett.

“Erm. No, I'm not really looking to work in retail” James said.

“Do you have anything particular in mind? Or would you like me to have a look at what is paid the most?” Fabian asked.

“Well, I was hoping to go into the mental health services in a few years. I'm not sure if there's any part time jobs that could give me some experience? Maybe support work or care? Money isn't really a problem”.

“Ah, okay. I’ll have a look” He started typing rather quickly, James wondered if he had some type of lesson on that or he just picked it up on the job, quick typing would be a bit of a strange requirement for a job. 

“There are a few carers needed for seniors, though some are live-in caring..” He continued scrolling. “Care assistants.. Part-time work”

“Care assistant sounds like it could be good” James said thoughtfully. 

“This one might be suitable for you, support carer needed, part time. God, the pay is £120 an hour…” Fabian squinted his eyes at the screen.

“£120 an hour?” James asked ludicrously.

“Apparently so, there's no added description on the job so I'm not too sure how demanding the caring is but it's part-time”.

“There's no harm in taking the interview, i'll be able to find out more then” He shrugged.

“Would you like me to put you down for it?”

“Yeah, please. Where abouts is it located?”

“London, South Kensington. The location matches the money” Fabian chuckled.

“Not sure if I'd fit in there,” James laughed.

“Right there we go, I've put your name down. I wish you the best of luck at the interview, I can imagine it will be very competitive”.

Competitive is what it would be, now that he thought about it, the amount of money being offered, loads of people would want to snatch that up. People who probably had far more professionalism and experience in caregiving than him. Realistically, he had no chance in getting the job. 

Maybe he just needed to charm the interviewer and he might get somewhere.

“James, you have to leave in an hour! You can not be late to your interview, that leaves such a bad impression!” His mum shouted through the door.

Suddenly, James felt like he was twelve years old again, on his first day of secondary school. He didn’t want to go to the interview, he was second guessing everything about himself. He was always a very confident person with an ego the size of a lake but not today. He was having an interview to be a carer for people who lived in Kensington. They were probably rich, full of themselves, snobs, overall rude people. Was there even any point putting himself through so much stress for a job he had a one percent chance of actually getting?

“James, stop overthinking!” 

“Is there really any point in this mum? I wont get it so i should just not go, not waste time-”

“James Potter, you are going to that interview, I did not buy you new shoes for you to just not go.” She scolded.

“But mu- You brought me new shoes?”

“Of course I did, have you not seen the state of those trainers you wear? No ones employing you wearing those things.” She pulled out a pair of brand new office shoes and held them up with a wide-eyed expression.

“Oh fine.” He smiled at his mum's unkind-kindness.

“Hurry up and get dressed!”

“Alright! What do I wear? Are we talking wedding suits or smart casual? Half wedding, half not?” he questioned, throwing various clothes out his wardrobe. 

“Whatever you want, honey. Be yourself, the interview had no description, right? Show up in your pyjamas if you want, they didn't specify, so it's their problem.”

“Will be my problem if I don't get employed. Which I won't. Why is it the shoes matter and the clothes don’t?” He mumbled.

“James, you're acting like a teenage girl, hurry up!” She turned and walked down the stairs.

After many outfit changes, James eventually settled on a white t-shirt and black jeans (with his office shoes). It looked smart enough, well at least in comparison to his usual clothes.

He left just on time, with a forty minute travel on the train. James spent forty minutes going over everything he would say in his head, even though he didn't know what he could say. And that was his biggest worry, he had to cross his fingers and hope the interviewer felt sorry for him.

He flipped the paper the recruiter had given him about the job, over and over in his hands before finally deciding to read it. 

So far the only knowledge he had of this job was that it was some sort of caring position for a Mr S. Black. Out of boredom, he began wondering who he would be caring for. Maybe it was for Mr S Black’s parents. Maybe it was for his kids. Maybe it was for Mr S. Black himself. Maybe he had a disability. How would he help care for him? He had to stop himself from thinking anymore about it before he got off the train and went back home. His mum would kill him if he did.

Not long enough, the train stopped at the station and James made his way down the streets of Kensington. Every man was dressed in a suit, presumably on their way to work. And every woman was dressed in a pencil skirt with a trench coat, also probably on their way to work. He felt very underdressed and he wasn't even at the address yet.

After a twenty minute walk, he stood outside a large white London townhouse, the outside decorated with a variety of carefully trimmed and shaped bushes. The whole property from the outside was just breathtakingly beautiful. James came from money and all but nowhere as rich as this. He felt he were committing a crime just by passing the gate.

He closed the gate carefully behind him – ensuring not to damage it, though the insurance these people must have had on the house would more than cover it. But James was not taking any chances.

James continued walking up to the door, which he noted was abnormally larger than it seemed a few metres away. He held his hand up to knock on the door but quickly changed his mind when he caught sight of a doorbell.. And an intercom with a separate bell. It took him a few moments to decide which bell he should press. It was more likely that the intercom was installed more recently than the door bell was – so guests would be more inclined to use the most recent. You wouldn't buy a phone and then use your old one.

 He rang the intercom bell and stood back a few steps to make sure he wasn't in the face of whoever answered the door. 

“Hello?” A voice came through the intercom.

“Hey, Im.. here for an interview.” James glanced at the crinkled paper in his hand to double check number 12 was the correct door number.

“Sure, come in, the rooms on the left.”

The intercom switched off and the door clicked, signalling it had been unlocked.

“Thanks,” James whispered to no one in particular. 

He closed the front door behind him just as carefully as he had the gate and took in the surroundings before him. A large staircase travelled up one side of the wall, the hallway was spacious, the walls pristinely white, an arched doorway could be seen further down the hall – adding to the home's prestigious appearance. James followed the instructions to go left where he was met with an overly luxurious living room with furniture matching the grey and white decoration. Four people were scattered across the room, each in suites and pencil skirts – just like everyone in the street. Maybe he should have dressed for a wedding. 

He took a seat on one of the grey couches, smiling at the woman opposite him, who replied with a look of disgust. If this was what the applicants were like, he didn't even want to meet the person who would be hiring them.

He looked around the room in awe of the decoration, a fireplace sat in the centre of the wall - with unused candles placed in synchronised patterns. Picture frames of art were displayed over the walls, each a different painting of the sea. James wondered what influenced the choice of painted sea from six different angles, he decided he wouldn't ask that, he felt like he was in trouble, considering the looks he was getting from the dressed up opponents. 

“Emmilene Vance.” an unknown voice called from the office room, the blonde woman who had welcomed him with a scowl stood up promptly, smoothing out her skirt and walked down the hall. James briefly caught sight of a woman leaving looking just as similarly as everyone else sat down. 

About an hour had passed and James was still sitting in the living room that smelt of money. Three new people had joined the waiting list since he had been there (none looking any different from the rest) and according to his calculations, he would be the next one called.

“James Potter.”

James practically jumped up at the sound of the voice, finally calling his name. He followed the hall down and entered the room, preparing himself for a man with an attitude just as stinking as his wealth. 

Instead he was met with someone who looked tired. He had long black hair that looked as if it usually held volume and curl but had, had fingers dragged through it so many times it had lost any sense of life. He mentally crossed off the thought of Mr S. Black being the person he was caring for.

“Hey, Im James.” He offered kindly, James could tell something wasn't quite right.

“Sirius.” He replied bluntly, eyes still focused on the papers on his desk. “Right, age, why do you want the job, experience?” He sighed, sitting back.

“I'm twenty one, I do not have any experience. Well kind of i suppose, i worked in a coffee shop where i made coffee and spoke to old people all the time, i love being there for people, the coffee shop was like a little community and i personally think i was a support to many there” He smiled to himself. “I'm hoping to work in the mental health services when I get qualifications and I think it would be helpful for me to learn what it's like to properly support someone in need.”

James looked up from the floor to see Sirius staring straight at him. His eyes were piercing, scary even, which made James believe he had definitely said something wrong.

“My mum thinks I'm good at supporting people.” He added, inwardly cringing at himself for potentially rubbing salt in the wound as he watched Sirius eyeing him, most likely his poor choice of clothing. Sirius met his eyes again. “Do you have experience with mental health in general? Not job-wise.” Sirius questioned.

“I suffered quite badly with my own mental health a few years ago, I went through a lot of therapy.. Even got an emotional support dog at one point. Yeah, I would say I do have experience with it.” James smiled.

“You’re hired,” Sirius said.

“I- What? Me?” James asked dumbfoundedly.

“Yes you.”

“Definitely? Because i'm sure those people out there have loads more experience than me.” James laughed nervously.

“Definitely. I'm sick of hearing everyone going on about their Oxford and Cambridge degrees, you’re the right person.” Sirius said, throwing a handful of papers sat on his desk into the bin beside him.

“Oh wow, well, thank you. I'm.. honoured.”

“When can you start?”

“Whenever, really. I don’t have much going on.”

“Great, i’ll give you all the information today and you can start tomorrow.” Sirius stood up, walking towards the door, “Wait here, just need to get rid of them.” He signalled to the hallway.

James nodded with a grin as he watched Sirius go. He would actually be working here, he had the job. James sat staring at the wall – taking in the past few minutes. Today certainly had an unexpected turn and Sirius wasn’t a snob after all.

“There we go, right. I’ll be paying you £120 an hour, the days are flexible. Could do an hour one day, three the next, two. Ideally I would like at least an hour a day.”

“Yep, that sounds good," He tried to act casual about the absolute absurd amount of money he was just offered. "I’ll be able to do that." James pondered for a moment “Hey, what kind of support will be needed?” He asked.

“Nothing physical, just.. Companionship, I suppose.” Sirius hesitated.

“That's cool, is it for your parents? I always kept the elders, who went to the coffee shop, entertained with my company.” James smiled at the thought – Wondering why Sirius was giving so much money for such a simple task.

“No, it's for my younger brother.”

“Oh ok, how old is he?” James questioned, curiosity getting the better of him.

“He’s nine-teen.”

James couldn't help but wonder why on earth a nine-teen year old would need companionship, surely he had friends he went out with.

“I’ll tell you now, this won’t be easy. He is thoroughly against the idea of having a support companion. He’s hard work at the best of times.” Sirius winced.

“Can I ask, why does he need a companion?” 

The man seemed reluctant to answer. “My brother suffered a traumatic event, months ago,” Sirius started “Ever since, he has been low and it's been impossible to get him to do anything. I’ve tried my best with supporting him and I have been adamant in not giving up but I think I might be making things worse.” He took a deep breath. “What I'm saying is, a new person is what he needs. A friend."

James looked at the man sitting before him and saw pieces. Pieces that needed putting back together again, he didn't know if he was a fool for thinking so but he thought he could help Sirius. Not just with his brother but with himself too. Perhaps they both needed someone to lean on.

“I promise I'll do everything I can to help,” James vowed.

“Thank you, James. Tomorrow at 12?”.

“Sure thing.” 

“So? How did the interview go?” His mum asked as soon as he set foot in the house.

“Was it good?” His dad interrogated.

“So good that I was hired on the spot!” James laughed.

“What!?” His parents erupted.

“Oh honey, that's great!” She kissed his forehead. “What was the interviewer like? Any information on the job?”

“Yeah, he’s alright. Seemed stressed though, I think he’s going through a bit of a hard time. The care is for his younger brother.” James decided not to get into the details as it wasn’t really his information to share.

“I think you will do their family good, when do you start?” His dad asked.

“Tomorrow at 12”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER THREE

JAMES

James spent the morning less focused on his clothes and more on how he could insure he was a good friend. He could not help but worry about saying or doing the wrong things, what if he were to do something that upset the younger brother? What if he made things harder? He could not risk setting the man backwards if he had been working to overcome his trauma. He didn't even know what the man's name was, or what he looked like.

James spent his time on the train picturing what he must look like, probably similar to his brother, black hair.. Smart.. Probably scary looking eyes. Remus always said he was a great friend and Peter, Marlene, Lily. So there was no way he could mess up.

“Alright” James welcomed when Sirius opened the door, by hand this time.

“Hey, thanks for being on time. Just this way”. Sirius motioned to the right.

They walked through an arched doorway into a room James has not yet had the pleasure of viewing yet. It was relatively similar to the room he had waited in the day before but more grand. He didn't know it was even possible for a room to look richer than the last but clearly it was.

“Just need to go through a few things with you first” Sirius said.

“Go ahead”

“Mainly for future reference, he has extreme panic attacks – sometimes brought on out of nowhere” Sirius began looking through a drawer. “This here is a prescribed sedative, only to be given when there is no other way of calming him down”.

“Okay, is there a certain way to use this? I'm not trained on this kind of thing, i only just managed to pass my first-aid exam”

“I didn’t pass mine at all and somehow I haven't done anything wrong, there's no particular method. It's to be inserted into his upper arm, push the top of it down and then take it out” Sirius handed the small device over to him.

“That sounds easy enough,” he hummed.

 They came to another door where Sirius paused with his hand on the doorknob.

“Don’t treat him like he’s made of glass, yeah? And don’t get too close at any point”.

“Of course not,” James promised.

He caught sight of a man sat on one of the sofas as he opened the door.

“Let me introduce you to my younger brother, Regulus. Regulus this is James” Sirius smiled, his voice noticeably quieter.

“Hi Regulus” James matched Sirius’ voice level, offering a small wave.

Regulus swiftly turned his head, an expression of unhappiness evident on his face. James took this moment to carefully inspect the man, he undoubtedly shared the same facial features as Sirius but slightly softer, Except his jawline, that was the furthest from soft. His eyes were slightly downturned, James couldn't tell if Regulus was tired or if he had natural looking tired eyes. They were dark, grey with a hint of green – if you looked close enough.

James was quickly brought back from his trance when Regulus turned his head back the other way, seemingly to continue whatever he was doing which couldn’t have been a lot.

“Regulus, please” Sirius pleaded quietly, walking forward to his brother. James remained by the door watching the two. Regulus looked up at his brother dully, like he didn’t have the time of day for the interaction. 

“Great to meet you,” Regulus said suddenly. Sirius looked back to James.

“It's great to meet you too,” James said warmly.

There were a few moments of what tended to be intense silence. The two brothers  had a conversation with one another, with their eyes.

“Well, I'll leave you both to get to know each other. I'll be right in the next room if you need me” Sirius smiled, moving to leave the room, James didn’t miss how Regulus checked his brother kept the door open.

“So, Regulus,” James clapped his hands together lightly. “Mind if I sit here?” He asked, pointing to the sofa across from him.

“Go ahead” Regulus said offhandedly, his eyes firmly placed on the window. James could see uneasiness pulsing through him. James had never been seen as a threat to anyone before. He took a seat on the sofa.

“You live in a lovely house” His eyes skimmed over the room.

“It’s not as great as it seems” Regulus’ tone was short and formal.

“Why’s that?”

“No where is lovely once it’s been tainted” James took this comment as an end of conversation topic. Despite the strong upper class  accent, he  could hear another  accent in the man’s voice that he was unable to place.

“Are you from England?” James wondered.

“No, France”.

“Ah, I thought I could hear an accent. France is a lovely place, how long have you been in London?” 

“Since I was ten”.

“That's cool” James heard Regulus sigh, somewhat in defeat, after a few silent seconds.

“Are you from England, then?” He asked, his eyes now facing James, for the first time — not properly though, there was no eye contact.

“I was born here, though my mum is from India, dad’s English” 

Regulus nodded, eyes back to the window. James didn’t know why this disappointed him. Perhaps he felt like it was a step backwards, in the wrong direction.

“What do you enjoy doing?” He asked, hoping to keep the conversation going.

“Wallowing in my own self pity”

“You know, I used to play football in college. Could never get enough of it. Saturdays were always the best, meeting up with my mates and playing footie the whole day” James reminisced. “You’ve just finished college haven’t you? What did you study?”

“Art and literature” Regulus hesitated “What did you study?”

“Physical education, health and social care, physiology. What career do you plan on having in the future?”

“I want to be a writer. And an artist. I haven’t decided yet” This was the most James had gotten from Regulus so far.

“I think those are good choices”.

“What career do you want?” 

“I'm hoping to work in the mental health services” 

Regulus hummed “Good luck with that”. James didn’t feel those words carried much sincerity.

“What kind of art do you do?” James questioned.

“Coloured pencil. Sometimes paint”. His eyes moved to look at the wooden flooring.

“Do you have anything you could show me?” James started “I’d love to see it”.

“No”.

“Okay. I'm sure you’re very talented”. 

Silence once again filled the room, silence was not an object, yet it felt heavy, thick. James had run out of things to say, it wasn’t easy keeping a conversation with someone who clearly had no interest. 

“What are your friends like?” Regulus asked into the silence “The ones you would meet up on Saturdays with”.

James felt a pull in his chest, warmth. As much as Regulus didn’t want the conversation, he certainly was listening to every word. Maybe he did want to talk, he just didn’t know what to say. 

“They were amazing, my favourite people. I'm still in contact with them, especially Remus. Meet him all the time to catch up, he’s practically family at this point. I feel like you would get along with him” James chuckled “What are your friends like?”.

“They’re nice. Loud. I haven’t spoken to them for.. a while” 

James didn't need a magnifying glass to see between the lines.

“Why don’t you get in contact again?” 

“I don’t want to”.  That put an end to that topic.

“That’s fine. Maybe another day?”.

“Yeah, maybe”.

A while has passed and James was feeling quite confident in how his time with Regulus had gone. Admittedly, he didn't achieve eye contact yet but there were always other days. Things weren’t going to go swimmingly on the first days.

“Hey, thank you for today. I know my brother isn’t the easiest” Sirius coughed.

“Listen, it's no problem at all. He seems like a sweet person, there’s a lot to him” James smiled.

“I wouldn’t describe him as sweet” Sirius laughed “There is a lot to him, there really is. It's just going to take a while to get it back out of him. And I think you will be the person to do it”.

“I hope so,” James replied.

James had been so positive about Regulus and helping him, especially after how well the first meeting had gone. But things do not always go the right way. Sometimes the first impression can be a lie. Sometimes it can be a blank canvas. 

All his positivity had gone out the window now.

“It really is important you eat something” James tried. 

Regulus kept his eyes trained on the frame of the window, showing no sign of replying. 

“Sirius said you didn’t eat anything last night, you must be starving” he started “I’ll eat with you, if you want” his suggestion lingered in the air — like a bad smell. A smell that Regulus was holding his breath at.

It was the fourth day James had been working for the Black’s and so far nothing had been going well. Regulus had fallen into a slump of refusal to do anything within the course of such a small amount of time. James wondered if it had been his visitations that had caused this but his worries were settled by Sirius when he informed him Regulus wasn’t just like it when he was there, he had switched overnight and had not stopped refusing since. 

He could tell Sirius was worried, there had been a few times he thought the man would turn him a way and send him home.

From what he had been told, Regulus hadn’t eaten, drunk, slept or even moved from the sofa near the window. Besides the fixated glare on his face and a few slow movements of breathing, there was no other sign of life on the boy.

“Hey, come on” James crouched beside him, closer than he ever had before. “I know you’re struggling, i'm here to help.. you don’t have t—” 

“I don’t want your fucking help, i want you gone. There is not an ounce of you with any sense of-of- self decency” Regulus shouted. His tone was wavering. For just a few seconds, his eyes were off the window, on the floor instead. “I want you gone” he repeated with a rasp in his throat, likely from disuse.

“I understand you are frustrated, but Sir—” 

“I don’t give a fuck what Sirius said. I want you out” Regulus snapped again.

“Alright” James stood up and left the room. 

He wouldn’t lie to himself, he was angry. He didn’t understand why Regulus had to be so spiteful. Just because he was hurting didn’t mean he had to cause misery to everyone around him. 

James stood outside the room and took a few deep breaths, screwing his face up in frustration — there wasn’t even anything he could do about this, he couldn’t shout at Regulus. He had to remember he was working, keeping himself calm was the main point of jobs like this, how could he work in mental health if he couldn't handle an outburst professionally?

Perhaps he was more angry at himself. James had never been faced with someone like Regulus, when he took the job, he didn’t know it was going to be quite so hard. Sure, Sirius warned him, but it still came to him like a punch  in the face.

James took another deep breath. Patience .

“Everything okay?” Sirius asked hesitantly from the end of the hall.

“Yeah, yeah it’s— no. No it’s not okay. I'm trying hard, Sirius but Regulus doesn’t want me here” James raised his arms and dropped them in defeat. He was ashamed to admit he was failing the one thing he thought he could do.

“I'm sorry” Sirius sighed, running a hand over his face “If you’d like to end the job, honestly i won't blame you. I’ll still pay you for this full week”

He thought for a few minutes, he was struggling, yes, but it had only been a few days.

“I don’t want to leave, I need to, you know, give this time to work. I can't expect everything to be sailing smoothly straight away” James said.

“God, I admire your determination. I’d have been out the door and running by now” Sirius smiled, “Thank you, James. I'll have a conversation with my terror of a little brother”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER FOUR

JAMES

 “How are you feeling Reg?” James asked. It was his eighth day of working there. So far there hadn’t been much improvement.

“It’s Regulus,” he snapped.

“Yep, sorry, Regulus. How are you feeling?” he asked again.

“Fine” he replied bluntly, his eyes glaring at the window, like it itself was his sworn enemy.

James sighed, he didn’t know where he was supposed to go from this. 

“How about we get out?” he suggested, an idea bursting in his head.

“Are you always determined to ruin my mood?” Regulus complained “Thought you were meant to be helping”.

“I think we should go for a walk” he ignored the remark.

“Think again then”

“Come on, let’s go” James stood up, rubbing his hand together.

“Have fun”

“Together, Regulus”

“No”

It was the thirteenth day.

“How are you?” James asked, walking into the room and placing his jacket down.

“Better before you got here”

“What were you doing earlier?”

“Relishing in my time away from you” his eyes followed the raindrops falling down the window. 

“Anything you want to do today?” James asked.

“Sit here in silence”

“Why don’t we do something together?” he  began, “Do you like games? Noticed there’s a Wii under the TV”

“No”

It was the twenty-sixth day.

James sighed as he walked in, seeing Regulus in the same position as always — head turned to the window.

“Hey” James spoke into the silence “You okay?”

“Great” 

“That’s good. Done anything today?” he asked.

“No”

MAY

Thirty-seventh day and James was losing his patience. He didn’t know how much longer he could put himself through such disappointment, he felt that leaving the job would be letting Sirius down. That was the last thing James wanted to do. Sirius held so much hope. He also couldn’t afford to bail out of helping someone who clearly needed it, even if they didn’t want it. 
But he was seriously close to it.

James walked into the room that he had every day for the past thirty-seven days. “Hey, how—” he was met with no one. Regulus wasn’t in the room.

He turned back to the hall, peering around the corner.

“James, he’s in the garden,” Sirius explained.

“He is?” James couldn’t hide the surprise in his voice.

“Yeah, today’s a bit of a rough day. Be gentle, yeah?”

“Yeah course” 

James made his way to the back of the house, catching a glimpse of Regulus’ black hair.

“Hey mate” James instantly regretted his use of ‘mate’ ; he knew Regulus hated any use of nicknames.

“Hey” he replied solemnly. He was sat on the floor, his hands playing amongst the blades of grass. Picking and twisting it.

“Fancied a change of scenery today?” James chuckled, sitting a safe distance away from him, on the grass.

“Yeah,” Regulus answered. His tone was off, it was sad. The usual use of his sharp tongue was nonexistent. His face too, it wasn’t hard with lines and lowered eyebrows. It was soft, he looked a lot younger than usual. 

The two sat in silence for a few moments. James wondered what the best course of action was.

“Can we go for a walk?” Regulus asked quietly — like he was questioning his own words.

“Yeah, sure. Where do you want to walk? Around the neighbourhood? Just down the street?”

“Just down the street”

“Cool, let’s go” James bounced up, contrasting Regulus’ slow and swift actions. James didn’t think he would ever be so excited to go for a walk. But in this situation, he felt like he was winning a medal, moving forward a great deal. Thirty-seven days of nothing. And there was finally progress being made. Though he didn’t want to get his hopes up, his positivity had already been shat on, on the second day.

The street was long, every townhouse the same, just as prestigious as the last. Seeing Regulus in a new light was unusual, his hair was gliding in the air – each curl fluttering. His eyes were cast downwards, following the pavement lines, James noticed how with every step he took, Regulus never stepped on a pavement crack. 

“What made you want to take a walk?” James asked, he knew he was pushing his luck here.

“Just wanted to,” Regulus replied, his scarf muffling his voice slightly, sounding like a grumpy child.

James laughed to himself quietly, “Anything been on your mind?” 

“No” he huffed.

“Alright” James backed off, sensing the boys’ need for silence.

The two walked the street silently, the sounds of a few cars and the wind being all that was heard.

“You can leave this job, you know” Regulus’ voice was tired, for once there was not a hint of anger behind his words.

“I know. But I don't want to.” James answered.

“Not even after knowing how much hatred I have for you?”

“Nope”

Regulus sighed “Why not? Is it the money?”

“No, It’s not”

“Listen, I'll pay you. I’ll pay you to go”

“Regulus, I don’t want you to pay me to leave. I want to help you. And I will do anything I can to do that” James replied firmly.

“I’ll give you whatever you want, what is my brother paying you?” Regulus was insistent and borderline frantic now.

“Hey, listen to me. I don’t care what you offer me, i will not be leaving”

“Why not?!” He shouted “Sirius won’t know, just say you found work elsewhere”

“I want to be here for you”

“I don’t want you here! I don’t want anyone here. Please. Please leave” 

“Why are you so against having help given to you?” James asked, his tone cool – giving no notice to Regulus’ pleas. 

“I don’t need help, there is a simple solution to my problems and you are not it. No one is”

“Sirius cares so much for you Regulus. If you wont accept help for yourself, at least do it for him” 

Regulus gave no reply. James took this as an end of conversation, briefly wondering if what he said would sway his mind.

They arrived back at the house shortly, Regulus made a point by hurry back into the room – slamming something behind him.

“Guessing that went well?” Sirius appeared, walking down the stairs.

“Well, got out of the house, so that's a start,” James smiled.

“Yeah, was he alright?”

“Bit quiet and grumpy but besides that yep, he was good” Sometimes James felt like he was talking about a child. He decided to leave out Regulus’ bribery. 

Sirius hesitated, “Would you wanna come sit outside for a few moments? Just want to have a chat”

“Yeah, sure” James had suspected their chat to be about whatever had disturbed Regulus earlier.

They sat outside, on a bench that overlooked the lower part of the property.

“You smoke?” Sirius asked, holding out a packet of cigarettes, taking one for himself.

“Thanks mate” James took one, his mind remembering how he was once afraid of Sirius being a snob.

He lit the cigarette, handing it to James afterwards “My brother has rough days sometimes” Sirius chuckled “What am i talking about? He always has rough days” he ran a hand over his face.

“Was today worse than the others?” James questioned lightly, hoping to help Sirius in the right direction.

“Yeah, yeah it was”

“What happened? Sorry, I know it's not my business..”

“No, it is kind of your business” Sirius sighed, pausing a few moments.“My brother has been insistent on taking his own life since.. It happened”

James felt his heart drop, a cold shiver taking over his body. Of all the things he thought Sirius could possibly say, it certainly wasn't that.

“He attempted to take his own life two months ago, he couldn’t handle what had happened – he still can’t. I.. was desperate. I didn’t know what to do. He’s all I have. He has always been all I have, I'm all he has ever had. I felt that everything I tried was making everything worse for him” Sirius choked.

James felt lost for words, sitting with his mouth slightly ajar.

“I don’t mean to be dumping all this on you” Sirius attempted a laugh.

“No, I'm glad you have told me. I had no idea, I never would have thought–” James sighed.

“We came up with an agreement, me and Reg. Just before I hired you. I needed something to keep him going. So he gave me seven months to change his mind”

James’ mind was spinning, seven months?

“Today, he begged me to call it short, adamant nothing would change within the next five months, that’s all that’s left now” Sirius looked as if he was processing his own words.

“What will happen if he doesn’t change his mind?” James asked, knowing the answer but needing to be told straight. 

“Then I'll take him to Switzerland.. to receive assisted suicide,” Sirius whispered “I’ve done a lot of research. A clinic sounded the most peaceful way for him to go. I had to make some sort of agreement with him. Or he would have done it some other way. And I'd.. I’d rather him go peacefully”

James nodded, biting his bottom lip “Do you think he’s going to change his mind?”

There was a pause for a few moments. “No, I don’t think he’s going to”

James nodded slowly, a new found determination in his bones. 

“I want him to have a good few months, he deserves that” Sirius wiped his cuff over his nose.

“He does. And I'm going to make that happen. For you and him”

Sirius gave a tight lipped smile.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER FIVE

JAMES

James had spent the weekend planning. A man on a mission, some would say. Sirius’ words had sunk far and deep into him, wiring around his brain cells.

He sat at his desk, mindfully scrolling through all the different tabs open on his laptop. Eventually landing on his most recent tab, concert tickets for this year's Capital’s Summertime Ball in central London.

Regulus was at that age of festival-going and music loving. All young adults were. 

Being in a euphoric atmosphere was what the boy needed, some excitement, some joy to up his mood. 

James decided it was perfect. And booked two tickets after triple checking Sirius didn’t wish to join. 

He walked into the house with that old skip in his step from when he first started working there, finally feeling that he was doing something right.

“Hope you’re ready to go, we leave in an hour” James bounced through the doorway.

Regulus looked up carelessly, “I'm not going”

“Yes you are. It’s going to be fun, you’ll love it” he sat in his usual seat with a huff, “I went to the Reading festival last year with my mates, loved that. You meet so many different types of people. It’s an atmosphere you won’t forget, that’s for sure.”

“You seem to do a lot with your ‘mates’, why don’t you go and do this with them instead?” Regulus replied snarkily, turning back to stare out the window at the sky that was far bluer than usual.

James watched his eyes.

They held so much adoration. He wondered if Regulus had painted the landscapes that were on display around the house. The way he looked at the world, the way he observed, it was that of an artist.

Picasso saw the world with those same eyes.

“Did you paint them?” James asked.

“Paint what?” Regulus’ attention seemed to be momentarily spiked - his face ever so slightly facing him.

“The paintings” He motioned with his hand “around the house?”

There was a few moments of silence, “Yeah” 

James leant back with a smug smirk,, “Thought so. They look really good. You’re talented.”

“I know,” Regulus replied with a serious face. 

James chuckled at the straightforward reply.

“What?” 

“Nothing, nothing,” He smiled.

“You’re laughing at me”

He paused at the small confrontation. “No, It was just— I was—” James sighed with a dry laugh. “It was just a bit funny, your response. I wasn’t laughing at you”

“What was funny about it?” Regulus looked down shamefully.

James took a few moments to study his expression, searching for clues, for answers. “It was just very.. to the point. I mean, it's good you know how talented you are, people don’t normally admit to their ability. Just made me giggle, that's all” 

There was a distant look in the younger boy’s eyes, “What would normal people have said?” Regulus hesitated.

“Hey, there’s no right or wrong way of replying to compliments. Suppose there's no right or wrong way of replying to anything, really.”

“But I didn't reply correctly. I cannot imagine you laughing at everyone else’s speech” Regulus’ British accent was thick as he regained his composure, speaking quicker. It was defensive.

James felt at a loss for words, clearly not expecting his laugh to have received such a negative reaction. “Reg, I had no intention of—”

“It’s Regulus”

“Regulus, sorry. I had no intention of offending you—”

“Doesn’t matter” 

James exhaled in defeat, the quiet beginning to course through the room.

“I’m sorry” Regulus’ voice weaved through stillness quietly.

“Hm?” 

“I’m sorry, for being rude” His fingers laced over one another repeatedly “I don’t understand sometimes.”

“That’s alright, you weren’t being rude, don’t stress” James reassured. “Bet it must have killed you to say that.” He grinned.

“Say what?”

“That you’re sorry”

A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips as Regulus fought to suppress it.

“Ah there we are. I knew there was a bit of happiness in you.” James beamed, fully satisfied with himself. “I know i’ll see more of it later” 

Surprisingly, Regulus never argued, for once. He nodded.

“You’ll stay with him the whole time?” Sirius checked for the second time, maybe third.

“I will, i won't leave his side” James reassured.

“Right, thanks.” Sirius sighed. “Sorry, I just don't know how he’ll be, he hasn’t left the house properly since..” He widened his eyes, tucking his hands into his pockets.

“I know, I understand. If it will make it easier on both of you, I'm sure we can secure another ticket?”

“No, I'll end up ruining it for him. There won’t be a chance of him trying if I'm there.” He bit the inside of his cheek, looking downwards.

James took in the sight of the man, remembering how Regulus made the same movement, “You’re too hard on yourself, you know that? You’re doing everything you can, I’m sure Regulus can see it.”

“But it’s not enough” Sirius met his eyes with a tight lipped smile “Anyway, you better get going. Don’t want to hit traffic.” He joked humourlessly.

James may have been blind but he could see from a mile off how much Sirius believed he was the villain in the story.

“You ever been to a concert before?” James asked as he finally caught sight of Wembley Stadium from the taxi.

“No.”

James noticed that the short answers he was getting were more from an anxious state than stubborn, now. He carefully crafted out his next response in his mind, remembering he had to be cautious to prevent a potential outburst from Regulus. 

“Are you okay?” He settled on asking, which wasn’t really what he was aiming for. He began to regret it as he imagined all the wrong ways the question could be taken.

“Yeah.” The younger boy's hands twisted and turned violently on his lap.

The movement halted when a hand was gently placed on top.

“Did you ever like One Direction when you were younger?” James asked.

Regulus’ eyes were fixed on their connected hands, not registering the question at all.

“Absolutely loved Harry Styles. God, you’ll probably still catch me singing his songs now.” He laughed, “Drove mum mental.”

The taxi pulled up to the side of the stadium.

The two found themselves amongst the hustle and bustle of Wembley. People shoving by, shouting, running.  

James felt the younger boy tense, cowering in on himself

Their hands remained firmly together as they battled their way inside.

He checked Regulus’ face every few minutes to ensure he was okay while they found their position near the barriers of the stage.

“It’s loud.” Regulus whispered, his eyes darted around the stadium as though he were looking for an escape route.

“Yeah, is a bit..” 

It was only when the stadium dimmed and the first singer was on stage, that James realised this had been an awful idea.

He had always been used to his own friends, their out-going behaviour, their risky lifestyle, their extrovertedness.

They loved festivals and concerts, he had always assumed all people his age loved festivals and concerts.

Regulus was not out-going, nor had a risky lifestyle and certainly was not extroverted.

“Hey, It's alright. We’ll go now.” James looked behind him, unable to see over the crowds of over excited screaming people. Regulus’ wasn’t the only one panicking now.

James bent down to the floor where the younger boy was curled in on himself, covering his ears — capturing judging looks from those around them. James felt the unnerving urge to punch them in the face

“It’s okay. It’s going to be okay” his words were not getting through to Regulus, it was unlikely he could even hear him over the speakers. 

He nudged a man that was jumping besides them, seemingly oblivious to the panic, “Do you know the quickest way out of here, mate?” 

“Ah, sorry mate no. Is he good? I got some water in me backpack if it's heat exhaustion.” his Liverpudlian accent was strong, the stranger reached for his bag, “Mad hot in here, isn’t it?”

“Thanks,” James sent a polite smile, taking the water. He hoped the liquid could work as an alternate solution in calming Regulus down, if even partially. 

“Hey, here. Some water” James offered the bottle.

Regulus made no attempt to take it, instead he began to pull at his hair desperately, as though the water itself had caused this.

“Ya know, drinking helps get the heat down. Can’t be dehydrated in here” the stranger knelt down with James.

This seemed to disturb Regulus more, such a close proximity of people.

Suddenly a foot kicked Regulus’ shoulder — a young girl wildly dancing to the music playing.

Regulus’ face was no longer that of panic. He was terrified, those eyes that had held so much admiration hours ago, were now overflowed with fear. His eyes were wide, something you would see in a horror film.
The sight alone made James uneasy.

“Please stop, please make it stop.” He begged, the boy’s voice was strained. James had stressed for a few moments that he was in pain.

“Alright, okay. Let’s get up, yeah? We’ll get out of here. Just need to.. get past.” James took a look at the crowd again, his previous words lost and pointless as he figured there was no hope in getting through everybody now.

“Is there anything I can do to.. help?” The stranger now had picked up on the seriousness of the situation.

James was at a total loss. Stood with his mouth ajar, brain ticking twice the second.

“What’s happened? Is he hurt?” A voice broke his thoughts. He looked up to see a security worker.

“We need to leave.” James answered the security man who had appeared, he left no room for questions. He needed Regulus out as soon as possible.

“Right, come on.” The security guard moved one of the barriers leading to an exit. “Just walk straight down, there's an exit door.” He stated.

James began to pull Regulus up to stand, earning himself a choked sob, and supported him as they walked. He whispered a quiet thanks to the stranger and the security.

When the outdoor air hit them, there was an instant weight taken off of their shoulders. 

The people were gone. The sounds. The touch. All gone. And James couldn’t help the relief.

He had tried to distance himself from Regulus for a few moments, in case he needed a while to adjust or process his safety. 

When his breathing had slowed and the tears had stopped, James knew he had to work with caution.

“How are you feeling?” He tried.

Regulus stared straight ahead, avoiding James’ presence in his sight entirely. His face was contorted in a way James hadn’t had the time to work out quite yet. 

“I know that must have all been a bit much–”

“I didn’t want to come here.” Regulus’ voice was hoarse, though his face didn’t match it.

“I know Reg, I just thought–”

“It’s Regulus!” He shouted. “You clearly thought wrong. As always, you have failed. I told you, you working here would have no happy ending! You–”

“Listen, I am trying my hardest with you, Regulus. You know, you aren’t exactly being a massive help with all of this.” James raised his voice. “I thought this would be a good start, and yeah maybe–”

“If you were trying that hard you might have bothered to ask me what I liked doing. You would have discovered I hate music. I hate loud noises. And I hate people! But no! Instead you go ahead, plan something I'll hate and proceed to blame it on me for ‘not helping’.” Regulus’ cheeks were red with fury.

“As if you would have answered me if I asked you what you would like to do.” James argued. 

Regulus frowned in response.

“And no, I haven't blamed anything on you. I’m sorry I got it wrong and I'm sorry you had to experience all that back there. But you have done nothing but act like a spoiled brat since I've been here. Yeah, you’re struggling but come on!”

“Go fuck yourself.” Regulus spat as he marched away.

“You can’t avoid everything, Regulus. You can try and end your own life but don’t try and fuck up everyone else’s in the process.” James felt sick saying the sentence, but he didn’t know what he could possibly say to get through to the boy. 

He noticed how Regulus’ shoulders tensed as he walked towards the taxi rank. 

They didn’t speak on the ride home

Chapter Text

CHAPTER SIX

JAMES

James didn’t show up for the rest of the week. He’d texted Sirius a sorry excuse about falling ill. He wasn’t sure if it was being believed, if it wasn’t, Sirius didn’t say anything. James didn’t have the effort in him to care anyway.. 

The whole event that went down at the concert had really had an effect on James.

He was sick of being the good person. 

He was sick of caring. 

He was sick of trying.

He was sick of people.

A break was exactly what he needed, he never usually admitted he was failing at something, especially something he held so much passion for. Regulus truly had pushed him to the end of his line.

He had spent the last few days doubting everything, himself, his future. The job role he so desperately wanted was slipping further and further by the day.

James had tried to justify things to himself, oh it’s still early days, Regulus would get easier eventually, it won’t always be like this. The more he thought about it, the more he began to wonder if it was his own fault.

Regulus had told him in the first place that he didn’t want him there, it was never going to work if he was never going to accept the help given.

The thought process alone was damaging enough, he shouldn’t have to hope someone got easier to deal with over time.

 James should have known that he couldn’t fix someone. Why did he think it would be a good idea to take Regulus to a concert? It was quite possibly the most foolish idea he had ever had. There would never have been a successful outcome, absolutely none at all. He should have seen that.

He continued to ridicule his idea.

He stared at the wall of his childhood bedroom, contemplating. He traced the dents with his eyes, the discoloured blue tack that used to hold up the posters he admired years before. He remembered Remus scolding him for it, saying it would leave permanent marks on the wall. He laughed it off at the time, not thinking much of it. 

He chuckled to himself, he was glad he didn’t get rid of blue tack (even though it did mark the wall) it had given him so many memories. It was funny how the smallest of things could have such an impact.

His eyes returned to the ceiling that his eyes had bored into over the days.

 James took a moment to ask himself, why was he doing this?
Why was he putting himself through so much grief? For someone who didn’t care. All it was doing was stressing him out and causing Regulus more damage.

Maybe it was because he cared. He winced at the thought. He didn’t want to care, it made him look like a fool. 

Did it matter? Who would be viewing him as a fool really? 

It was in his nature. He truly was his mothers son, so of course he cared about this boy.

Even if he was a stubborn, egotistical, arrogant person. 

But he was a stubborn, egotistical, arrogant person who was scared. Who had been through something, likely, unimaginable to most people.

James thought back to the concert, how Regulus had clutched onto his hands like his life depended on it. 

Regulus had trusted James to keep him safe at that moment. Although it was such a minor thing, it showed hope. He must have been doing something right.

Before the concert even began, Regulus had been the tiniest bit at ease.

Now that James was thinking a little bit deeper, he saw will. Despite the temporary struggle in getting the boy out of the house, he did it.

Regulus was willing to try.

There was still a chance.

A sigh startled the thoughts out of him. He looked up to see his mum with her arms crossed by the door.

“James, you can’t stay up here forever” She scolded, “You’ve missed lunch and dinner.”

“I know, I know. I’m coming down soon.”

His mum eyed him for a few moments.

“You are a strong person, James.”

“Mum–”

“Hush, You are a strong person. I can tell you are struggling, this would be difficult for anyone, but I can't help but think you are taking this more harshly because things have always gone the way you have wanted.” She spoke.

James thought about this with a frown.

“Now that you have been faced with a challenge that won’t budge as easily, it’s frustrating you. And you haven’t felt like this before, I can imagine it might feel confusing.” 

It was confusing. Very confusing. He didn’t know if he was coming or going. 

“And that is nothing to be ashamed of. You are allowed to struggle, things are allowed to go wrong. It’s important you realise life will not always go the way we want. But that's the joy of it, I suppose. Makes it more exciting when things do eventually go right.”

“You’re right.” He replied quietly.

“So, what are you going to do about it?” she smiled brightly. 

“I’m going to keep on going until it goes right.” James grinned, pulling his mum into a hug.

James walked up to the expensive house he had been familiarised with over time, pressing the doorbell.

He was nervously bouncing on the spot.

After the talk with his mum, he had realised a lot about himself. And about the way forward. But that didn’t change how anxious he was.

He had been through every possible encounter that could occur with seeing Regulus, eventually settling on the fact that he would likely feel bad. Perhaps even sorry. He was in a panicked state when he blew up at James, there was a good chance he would regret what he had said once he was calm.

“James?” Sirius appeared in the doorway.

“Hey, brought us some coffee.” He lifted the cup holder that held three cappuccinos.

“Ah, thanks. You are a literal life saver.” Sirius said, pausing after.

The two met each other's eyes with the sad (yet humoress) realisation. 

James handed him a cup.

“I didn’t know you were coming today.” 

“Oh fuck, yeah. I meant to text.” James suddenly realised he had just turned up to Sirius’ house completely unannounced with coffee.

“No stress,” He laughed. “You’re feeling better?”

“Yep. How are you doing?”

“Yeah, alright.. Good.” Sirius smiled tightly.

James raised an eyebrow “Are you?” 

There was a look in his eyes that spoke enough words on its own.

“Not really.”

“Come on, let’s go sit down mate.” James nodded his head towards the living room.

James sat down, slowly placing the cup holder on the table. Sirius practically fell onto the sofa beside him.

“What’s going on?” He asked carefully.

“Everything.” Sirius bit his lip, seemingly realising just how bad the extent of his problems were. “Everything” He repeated with a whisper.

“What happened?” James spoke quietly.

“Regulus.. He had another breakdown the other day. And honestly, it was the first time I thought.. Maybe it would be better for him to not be here… anymore.” Sirius laughed abruptly, painfully. “I haven’t said that aloud until now. It’s sick. It’s sick for me to even think.. God.” He pushed the palms of his hands into his face.

“It’s not sick, Sirius. Why– What made you think it would be better for him?” James took a deep breath.

“He’s in so much pain, mentally. He’s just.. Not even there anymore. He’s a shell of what he was before.” Sirius looked down. “I’ll never be able to get used to seeing him in this type of pain.”

“What was he like? Before the incident happened?” James wondered if he was pushing boundaries here but was greeted with the happiest smile he had seen on Sirius’ face.

“He was still a little shit. If you’re asking that.” 

James laughed, Sirius breaking out into a bigger grin.

“He was confident.. Always out with his friends, i didn’t like his friends at all, they were right annoying little pricks. But I'd do anything to see him running down the stairs shouting he's going out with them again. He’d tell me everything as soon as he got home” He chuckled, “I would love you to have known him then.”

James couldn’t imagine Regulus ever being so out-going, he couldn’t imagine him being anything like what he was now.

“Does he not see his friends anymore?” 

“No, not anymore. It’s not that they haven't tried, they’ve been trying to reach him for months, had one of them knocking here yesterday. Reg refuses to see them or text them and I really want to push it – something could click in him, reopen him up a bit. But I can't risk it making things worse.”

“They sound like they really care. Why won't he see them?” James thought that having the people around you who care the most would be what would help.

“He’s embarrassed. About what happened.” James noticed how Sirius was hesitating with his words now.

As desperate as he was to find out, he would steer clear of the details of the incident for now.

“I'm sure he has absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. His friends just want to be there for him.”

“I know, no matter what I've said he’s been dead set against it.”

James thought deeply for a few moments. “I think you should push it.” 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Having a support bubble is important. And if nothing seems to be working at the moment, might as well give it a shot?” James suggested, a  plan already beginning to form in his mind.

Sirius nodded, “Ok. Yeah. We’ll do it, we’ll get his friends here.” There was a new found determination in his voice, it seemed like Sirius had been needing someone else’ opinion to help him move in the direction he was so hesitant to walk alone.

“Thank you, James.”

“You have nothing to thank me for.” He smiled.

“God, I shouldn't be burdening you with my issues.” He chuckled sadly, wiping his eyes with his shirt sleeve.

“You are not burdening me with anything mate, I'll be here for you.”

Sirius opened his mouth to speak, his eyes settling on something behind him.

“Sirius I–” James heard a hoarse voice speak, he spun around to see the boy.

Regulus looked exhausted, his eyes were puffy, his cheeks were tearstained, the cuffs of his jumper were clenched tightly in his hands. He paused at the unexpected sight of James.

“Hi.” James spoke just above a whisper, with a wave, trying the most gentle approach.

“You didn’t tell me he was coming.” Regulus’ sharp eyes were on Sirius.

“I'm sorry Reg, It was unexpected, I was going to come up and tell you straight away.” He tried to justify.

“You didn’t.” 

“I was going to.”

“Sorry, mate, I meant to text him this morning. I completely forgot.” James attempted to break the tension between the two brothers.

Regulus began forcefully rubbing at his cheeks to get rid of the tear stains at the sudden realisation of their presence.

“Reg it’s okay.” Sirius said calmly.

“No it’s not. It’s not okay.”

“I will tell you straight away next time, i’m sorry.”

“But you didn’t this time.” New tears sprung to the boy's eyes as he swiftly shifted out of the living room. James heard his quick footsteps up the stairs.

“I didn’t mean to forget to–” 

“No no it’s alright.” Sirius sighed. “He doesn’t deal very well when he’s not prepared for things. He usually needs to be told in advance otherwise..”

“Would it be a bit better if I came back tomorrow?” James suggested.

“Yeah.. Thank you.”

James hugged Sirius on his way out of the house. He was sure he could feel the physical relief in the man as they held each other in their embrace.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER SEVEN

SIRIUS

When Sirius had gotten a call five months ago, he thought it was a joke. Barty or Evan attempting to play a pathetic prank on him as they had many times in the past.

Sirius had unknowingly laughed at the hospital receptionist on the other end of the phone. He discovered it had indeed not been a joke, when the situation was detailed to him. 

When Sirius reached the hospital, he practically blew up the place. Screaming, shouting, ranting and raving. The doctors refused to take him to his brother until he calmed down, which had proved very difficult. It had felt as if nobody was listening to him, nobody understood the severity. His little brother couldn’t be without him. Not now. Not ever again.

“Please tell me, please. Where is my baby brother?” Sirius pleaded with the nurses. When the anger subsided and his emotions dissipated into tears, the nurses heard his pleas. They knew he wasn’t really a danger to anybody, so the staff finally let him through the doors and escorted him to his brother’s room.

When he saw Regulus, his heart sank by thousands. The boy was unrecognisable with an assortment of black and blue bruising painting his nose, chin, cheeks, and below his eyes.

When the doctor had mentioned they had covered up all the mirrors in the recovery room, it hadn’t crossed his mind as to why. Sirius hadn’t been able to see past his frenzy. 

For hours and hours, Sirius cried, holding onto his brother's limp hand, desperately praying and begging for him to wake up. No matter how many times the lady on the ward assured him the medication would wear off soon, Sirius couldn’t see past the injuries and his confidence in his brother waking up lowered with every tick of the bastard clock on the wall.

The hours left an unfortunate amount of time for him to consider what would happen next. He wondered what would happen tomorrow. Or the day after. Next week. Next month. 

A knot formed in his stomach as the realisation set in, how would their lives move past this? How would his brother cope? Regulus already had enough struggles of his own. Struggles that he’d bravely fought through for the past nineteen years of his life. 

It could have felt like it would be this forever. In the hospital, surrounded by four white walls and lined with luminous lights and the strong scent of disinfectant in the corner of every room. An endless loop, filled with fear and the unknown. 

Sirius had never been religious but he silently prayed and he begged any force above them, to make things easy for Regulus.

Regulus didn’t speak for the first four weeks afterwards. Or move or eat. He simply stared, endlessly at the walls.

The hospital stay lasted sixteen dreadful days.

The worst night was the fourth, when the doctors had to hold Regulus down after he woke up from sedation. Sirius saw the moment he began to panic, when he realised a tube was down his throat.

His features morphed into that of fear, it was the first telling Sirius had gotten that there was actually someone behind the shell of skin that laid in the space of the hospital bed. The screams echoed against the walls until he was sedated again.

Sirius had asked the head doctor to try any other solution before resorting to a feeding tube and they did. They tried everything, but Regulus wouldn’t eat. When the dangers of starvation were becoming nearer and nearer, their attempts were no longer practical.

The next three days, Regulus wailed. Non-stop. He had ripped the tube out on five different occasions over those days. Which had undoubtedly resulted in more pain. The nurses wanted to refrain from having to restrain his wrists to the bed in fear of it panicking him further, it wasn’t going to do anybody any favours.

They needed his body to recover and if Regulus were to strain and fight for much longer, the process would only lengthen. And he’d be confined to the room for days more.

Instead they kept a nurse beside his bed to hold his hand when needed, along with Sirius on the other side. 

The doctors and nurses were some of the nicest people Sirius had ever met, he remembered one woman in particular, Emma, who had been the one to sit by his brother’s bedside. 

She held Sirius on the sixth night, in her arms with a motherly touch he'd never received, as he sobbed and choked into her shoulder, making an absolute mess of himself as well as her. But she didn’t seem to mind. 

Emma told him how much of a good brother he was and how proud he should be of himself. She told him about her two boys. One was seven, the other was five. And how she hoped her eldest would be like Sirius and that her boys would be just as close as the two of them were.

During these times with Emma, Sirius thought to his father and how he should be here. How Sirius should call him. Tell him what had happened, he already knew his father would be on the next flight to London. But some stupid part of him thought not to. 

Sirius was meant to protect his brother, forever and always. And when his father had left for New York, he’d vowed this at the gate, without a second thought. His promise had not been lived up to. 

The strength of picking up his phone was too much to bear, let alone spilling the secrets of the horrors that had taken place. It wasn’t news to speak over the phone, he settled on. 

On the eighth afternoon, Sirius thought back to when they were little. When he and Regulus would curl up at the window together, he would read to him, every night without fail.

Regulus’ favourite book was Winnie The Witch, when he was small. He would want to reread it over and over again. Sirius revelled in the joy of watching Regulus flap his arms and giggle whenever his favourite part of the story came around. He couldn’t remember what it was now that had made his little brother so happy.

An ache formed in the bottom of his throat when he realised he couldn’t just knock on the hospital door and ask Regulus what it was.

He inhaled the smoke of his cigarette as he watched patients arrive, it was ironic. 

Sirius was mourning his brother. 

He was alive, of course he was. But it didn’t seem like it. He was breathing but it didn’t look like it. He was seeing but he didn’t show it. 

Barty and Evan tried to see Regulus on the tenth morning, arriving downstairs with a bag full of snacks and sweets. Sirius had told them it was too soon. He didn’t want them to see Regulus in the state he was in. 

He stood outside the hospital and spoke to them whilst Regulus slept. This was the first time Sirius had seen them as more than just ‘Reggie’s friends.’ Barty repeated and repeated how sorry he was and how they had searched the whole club before leaving. How he had thought Regulus had gone home and forgot to text. He would have never left the venue without him if he had known.

It wasn’t their fault. It was hard to swallow.

The police visited the hospital on the thirteenth day. All forensic evidence had already been handed over on the first day but they wanted to speak to Regulus. Presumably to give a run down on the details. However the on site psychologist declared him unable to engage. Sirius hoped, he hoped the police had enough evidence to arrest the evil that caused all of this. 

On the fifteenth day, the police returned to give an update on the case, all the attackers had been arrested and would be taken to court soon enough. Relief was an understatement. His money had sped the case up, which he wasn’t sure was legal or not but he didn’t care. 

They mentioned how the assault and the torture had all been captured on video so there would be no need for Regulus to answer any questions. They had everything they needed, that was the good part, he supposed. 

Never in his life had he wanted to commit to a crime as violent as the one building up gradually in his mind. Sirius considered all his options and how he could ensure these people served their time but equally underwent the same pain his brother had been subjected to. He decided on something eventually, he contacted the people he needed to and from then onwards, it wasn’t his business.

Regulus was finally free to return home on the sixteenth day. A long list of advice had been given to him by the doctor for his brother's medical needs, along with the bullet points of helplines and various bottles of pain relievers.

The house was in no way tidy, Sirius had barely had the opportunity to clean up on the very few occasions he’d come home to shower or sleep for a poor amount of hours. So as he swept the floor, repuffed the cushions, and washed up, he spoke to Regulus like nothing had changed. About the latest programmes on tv, the drama currently taking place on Love Island, along the way he did have to make a couple of stories up. It was difficult having a one sided conversation with a limited amount of things to talk about.

He wanted Regulus to feel as normal as possible. From past experiences, he knew it was never the best idea to baby him, even if his mind wasn’t there to scold him for it.

Sirius knew not to expect an epiphany but he couldn’t shake the disappointment at the fact of nothing having changed upon their return home. Because now he had nothing to hold onto. Now, he just had to cross his fingers and hope. 

The bruising down Regulus’ legs was what got Sirius the most. After reading over the pamflet ten times and assuring his brother he wouldn’t hurt him, he helped him into the bath. 

How your body physically reacts to an emotion is a strange thing. Sirius fell to his knees at the edge of the tub. Evidence of the assault littered his thighs and groin, areas of his skin were almost fully black. Hand marks were still engraved into his hips and wrists. 

He apologised profusely, wiping his eyes with a towel and attempting to plaster on a smile with shaky hands. Gibberish flowed out of his mouth as he tried to erase his miniature breakdown. When Sirius glanced at his brother, he wasn’t sure if he’d seen his tears. Or his apologies. 

Three months ago Regulus tried to take his own life on the tiles of the bathroom floor.

Sirisu remembered cradling him, blood stained his clothes and cold tiles pressed against his back. He screamed at the operators on the phone, begging them to hurry because his little brother was losing too much blood. His fingers were cramping up when he gripped the source with a desperation so great, a new set of hand marks were printed onto Regulus’ already purple wrist. 

It was a night he would never forget, something that would haunt him at night for years to come. 

He was back at the same hospital. In the same hall. Waiting for the doctors to save his brother's life once again.

Sirius felt a tap on his shoulder, when he turned, he was greeted with that same nurse, who had offered him a shoulder to lean on when he had nobody else. Emma. Yet again, Sirius found himself laid bare, as he poured his heart out to her for the second time. 

A couple of days after the attempt, they made the agreement. Regulus gave Sirius seven months more of his life. And then they would travel to Switzerland together so he could end his life in the most peaceful way possible. 

Regulus stated in a hoarse voice that if he didn’t agree, he would find another way to go regardless of the seven months. Sirius had no choice but to accept, he was at his wits end. He went into the deal with a confidence that over the months, he would be able to change Regulus’ mind. 

As he sat behind his desk, flicking through papers and papers, he almost called it off. These people couldn’t help his brother. He knew right then if he sent one of these Oxford pen-pushers into Regulus’ room, he would straight up laugh at them.

Honestly, Sirius considered it, just to hear the laugh. 

“James Potter.” He called.

This man changed his thoughts. 

He couldn’t name it, but there was something different. 

Regulus saw it too.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER EIGHT

SIRIUS

“Reg?” Sirius knocked on his bedroom door.

After a few moments of no reply, he decided to slowly open it. .

“Reg? Hey, I'm coming in.”

Sirius watched the bumpy lump under the bedsheets with a sigh.

“Come on you moody little shit.” He unwrapped Regulus from the bedsheets, earning himself a groan that sounded borderline like a child about to start a tantrum.

Sirius collapsed on the bed beside his brother, “James will be here soon, you know?”

“I don’t care.” Regulus’ voice was muffled into his pillow.

“I’m sure you will when James walks in and sees sleeping beauty.” Sirius grinned. 

“Just tell him I'm busy, I can't come in today.”

“You can’t come in today? You live upstairs Reg, not a train ride away.” He laughed.

“I'm sick.”

“You're sick now?” he asked with feigned shock.

“Yes, very.”

“Come on.”

“No. I want to stay here.” Regulus rolled over, his arm hanging across Sirius. 

It was moments like these that were light hearted. It was like before the incident. Regulus hadn’t been afraid to throw himself at his brother, play fight on the living room floor, hug before he left the house.

Sirius felt his eyes glaze over as he reached to hold his little brother's hand. For once, Regulus didn’t hesitate to hold back.
It was their own little way of communicating, their way of saying I love you .

It was moments like these that made everything worth it. All the arguments, the screaming matches. Their fall-outs had been non stop since it happened. Regulus struggled to express how he was feeling, it all came out in anger. And unfortunately, he was the one that it was all taken out on. 

It was hard for Sirius to realise the anger wasn’t really aimed at him but the small things helped. 

Regulus turned his head to face his brother, his hair wild against his pillow, “Can’t he just come tomorrow?”

“Why?” He asked, “Is it because you're having one of your moody days or just don’t want to see him? I know something happened at the concert. Is it because of that?”

“No, it’s nothing to do with that.” Regulus groaned.

“Then what is it?”

“I’m tired.” Regulus whispered. “I’m really tired.” He choked.

Sirius paused at the confession, he squeezed his hand just that little bit tighter.  

‘Tired’ had a much stronger meaning than it would to most, in this situation at least. It was Regulus admitting he was struggling.
And this was a big milestone, in Sirius’ eyes.

Of course he knew, but this symbolised a new sense of trust. Capability. He was able to tell Sirius. Finally.

“You haven’t been able to sleep?”

Regulus wiped his face with his sleeve, “No.”

“Have the nightmares been bad?”

There was hesitation in his reply, “Yeah,”

Sirius sighed. He wanted nothing more than to wrap his brother up in his arms, protect him from the cruel world he had been forced to live in.

“How about we have a me and you day?” Sirius grinned, “Like when we were little and we’d managed to bunk off because we said we had the flu.”

“I remember that.” Regulus smiled, “Yes, okay then.”

Oh how it had been such a long time since he had seen that smile on his face.

“Right, you’re in charge of blankets, set us up downstairs. I’ll get us some bits from Waitrose.” Sirius jumped up, “I’ll reschedule with James for tomorrow.”

“Thank you.” Regulus sprawled out lazily on the bed.

“You’re welcome, now get up!”

Sirius made his way down the street to the local Waitrose to pick up as many snacks as possible as he pulled out his phone to send a message.

He did feel like he was messing James around but he refused to waste the opportunity of finally being able to spend time with his brother.

All of a sudden, Sirius found himself falling to the floor.

“I’m so sorry!”

“Ah, should have been looking where I'm going,” He groaned.

“Here, let me help” The man spoke as he held his hand out.

“Thanks–” Sirius could have sworn he felt his heart stop on the spot as he met the eyes of the stranger. “Hi,” He said dumbly.

“Hi.” The man replied with a chuckle, their hands still connected.

“I’m Sirius.”

“Remus, Remus Lupin.” He smiled.

Sirius Black was totally and utterly dumbstruck. 

“Sorry, for.. Not looking.” 

“Completely fine, honestly it was my fault.” Remus laughed. 

“I, I better get going. On route to Waitrose.” Sirius motioned dramatically with his hands to the green logo down the road. That he later scolded himself for doing.

“I was just on my way there myself.”

“Really? Well I suppose we can walk together?” Sirius suggested hopefully.

“Why not?” Remus grinned.

“So, you live round here?”

“About half an hour on the train away, i’ve got a part time job at the central library just round the corner.” Remus explained.

“It’s lovely there, isn’t it? Used to study at that library on weekends.” 

“Yeah, it’s peaceful. Really somewhere you can collect your mind.” He smiled, “You live in the area then?”

“Yeah, yeah. Just on this street actually..”

“Do you work?” Remus asked, he seemed genuinely interested in Sirius. He wasn’t used to someone being interested in him or his life. 

Regulus already knew everything about him and Sirius had never really been one to hold a friend for longer than a day. It wasn’t really his fault, the only kids he’d met when he was younger were spoiled snobs who were convinced they were better than everyone else.

“Not at the moment, no, I was a student but I'm taking a bit of a gap year now. And you? Are you still in education?.”

“Indeed I am, working towards becoming a teacher.”

“Really? I feel like you’d be good at that. You seem like an intelligent type.” Sirius knocked Remus’ arm playfully.

“I do, do i?” He grinned.

“Most certainly.”

Before they knew it, they were outside the Waitrose.

“Soo, we’re here.”

“Yeah, yeah we are.”

“I’ll see you around then?” Sirius winced as he spoke, not quite wanting the interaction to end yet.

“Oh fuck it. What are you doing for the rest of the day?” Remus asked quickly. “We could go get a drink? Or something?”

Sirius opened his mouth then closed it again, “Honestly, I'd love to. But I promised my brother I'd spend the day with him. I’m currently about to raid the snack aisle.” He laughed. “But, another day? When are you next free?”

“Literally any day this week.” Remus laughed nervously as he tucked his hands into his pockets.

“Tomorrow?” 

“Yes, that's perfect.” 

Sirius pulled out his phone, swiping to the contacts app.

“Here.” He offered the phone, Remus began to type his number out.

“See you tomorrow then, Sirius.” Remus winked.

Sirius was sure his legs would give out at any moment.

After promptly raiding the snacks, Sirius ran home with the biggest smile on his face that he’d had in a while. 

He flung the door open with ease, “Reg, you're not going to believe what happened to me.” Sirius slowed down as he walked into the living room.

Regulus had most definitely taken his job of the blankets to a whole new level. Sirius was ninety percent sure half (If not all) of their beds were residing on the sofa and the floor.

Eventually he saw a very grumpy looking Regulus among the sheets.

“You took forever.” Regulus stated with a huff as to prove his point.

Sirius just smiled at the sight, his brothers eagerness to spend time together.

“I secured the snacks.” He held up two bag fulls, flinging himself down onto the mountain of pillows. “Did you pick a movie?” Suddenly he felt Regulus tense beside him.

“I thought I only had to get blankets and pillows?”

“Yep, you certainly did a good job of that.” He laughed.

“What do you mean?” Regulus pulled the blanket tighter, “You did that voice. The one where you speak louder at the end.”

“I mean.. you did really well getting us set up here with the amount of bedding. Nothing bad, Reg.” Sirius tried to explain in simpler terms.

“Did I get too many?”

“No, no not at all. You got the perfect amount.”

“Okay. I didn’t know I had to pick a movie.”

“That’s alright, you didn’t have too. We can pick one together.” Sirius smiled.

He began flicking through the different Netflix suggestions.

“What happened?”

Sirius hummed questioningly.

“What happened to you today? You said I wouldn’t believe what happened to you.”

“Oh, yeah.” Sirius was grinning like the cheshire cat now. “I bumped into this guy on the way to the shop. Quite literally fell at his feet. God, I've never seen anyone like him.”

“Do you love him?” Regulus asked bluntly.

“No, Reg.” Sirius laughed, “We’re very far from the love stage yet.”

“Will you see him again?”

“I’m hoping for tomorrow. For a drink or something.”

“What? You won’t be here?” Regulus’ eyes widened.

“Hey, don’t stress. James will be here.”

“It will be just you and the man?” Regulus asked, seemingly a bit panicked now.

“Come on, don’t worry. I’ll be okay.” Sirius hesitantly placed his hand on his brother's arm - waiting for the rejection that never came. “It’ll be during the day.”

Regulus rubbed his hands together, “What if something happens?”

“Regulus, nothing will happen to me.”

“But something might.”

Sirius sighed. 

Regulus had been terrified of Sirius leaving the house for the past five months.
After what had happened to him, he was convinced somebody would hurt Sirius too.

“Reg..”

“Please don’t go, please.” He begged.

“I’ll keep my location on the whole time. I’ll text you every thirty minutes?”

Regulus kept his eyes forcefully on the floor.

“Please let me have this Reg?” Sirius pleaded.

“You swear you’ll text every thirty minutes?”

“I swear it. Pinky promise.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Sirius titled his head down as he tried to catch his brother's eye.

“Yeah, okay.”

“Thank you. Thank you!” Sirius kissed the top of his head without thinking, he froze quickly.

But Regulus smiled.

He smiled!

Sirius sat back with a grin plastered across his face, “What do you think of The Princess and The Frog ?”

The two spent the day snuggled up on the sofa, surrounded by many blankets and pillows. It had been ages since he’d seen Regulus so content.

And Sirius had never felt so close to his brother. 

“Sirius?”

“Yeah?” He replied tiredly, he had just been about to fall asleep.

“I’m sorry I make things hard for you.”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER NINE

JAMES
James’ eyes flew across the scenery as he made his way into Kensington. He had been looking forward to getting back to work the day before, he’d have been lying if he said he wasn’t disappointed when Sirius had to cancel.

He found himself wondering why. It wasn’t like him to cancel at the last minute. James had been worrying if it was something to do with Regulus. He fought the urge to ask but he didn’t want to pry on information that wasn’t his.

Just as he was turning the corner, he heard a ring from his back pocket. He silently hoped it wasn’t Sirius cancelling again, he was nearly at the house.

Moony is calling.

“Hey moons, I can't chat for long. Almost at work.” 

“James, I met my knight in shining leather yesterday.” 

“You what?” James beamed.

“I’m getting ready to meet him again. Meant to call you yesterday but I was too busy screaming into my pillow.” Remus made a strained sound on the end of the line, “I’m shitting it.”

“Don’t you dare worry. Be yourself and do that sexy growl at the end of your sentences. Trust, he’ll fall head over heels for you.”

“Oh fuck off. He’s absolutely smoking. What if I'm not in his league? And he realises that when we meet?”

“Mate, if anything you’re totally out of his league.” James laughed. “Have you not seen how fit you are?”

“Doubt you’d say that if you met him.” Remus grumbled.

“Seriously, everything will go great. It’s about time you start getting yourself out there.” He added, “Anyway. Gonna have to love you and leave you now. Call me as soon as you get home.”

“You got it, have a good one, prongs.”

“Practise safe sex!” James called.

“Fuck off!” Remus chuckled as he hung up.

James moved swiftly up the entrance, skipping over any black pavement tiles, and rang the doorbell.

“Hey!” Sirius called.

“You alright?” James grinned at the sight of the man. He seemed far more cheerful than usual, there was a glimmer of something in his eyes. 

Perhaps it was happiness.

“Yep, all good. Come in.” He held the door open and led the way to their usual room. “Regs upstairs, he should be down in a few minutes.”

“Cool.” James debated asking about yesterday, he was unsure if it was pushing a fine line. But it could just come across as friendly, which it was. He cared about Regulus and Sirius. “Was everything alright yesterday?” He asked.

“Sorry for cancelling, me and..” Sirius smiled as he looked down, “Me and Reg had a bit of a bonding day. It was a bit last minute, honestly, if i’d have known i would have let you know sooner. You hadn’t already begun the trip had you? I can pay for your fares if needed.”

“No, no! It’s no grief. I was just worried in case something was wrong. I’m so glad you two had some time together.” James spoke as he saw the solemn look on Sirius’ face. “I can imagine it’s been a bit difficult to do that for a while.” 

“Yeah, it has. It was like there was a new little side of Reg. It was only a small change. But it was there. Small signs that my brother is still there.” He repeated.

“That’s great Sirius, really.” James placed a hand on his shoulder, “Regulus is getting there, it’s taking a bit of time, but he’s doing it. And I can see he wants to try.”

“He is. He really is.” Sirius cleared his throat, “There was something I wanted to speak about before I go.”

“Everything alright?”

“Yeah just.. I’m supposed to be going to meet this super fit guy I met yesterday on my way to Waitrose.”

“Good on you!” James smirked.

“No, stop. Imagine the impression I left on him yesterday. I was full on in my pyjamas with a jacket thrown on top!” He groaned into his hands.

James laughed, much to Sirius’ expense, “Oh come on, I bet you still look like a fancy prince in your pj’s. Tell me, were they silk?”

Sirius scowled at him, ever so similarly to Regulus.

“They were, weren’t they!” James laughed.

“Oh, be quiet. I happen to like my silk pyjamas. They do wonders for the skin.” He failed to hold back a grin. 

“Oh I'm sure they do, Mr Black.”

“Hush! As I was saying, Reg is… Not as happy about this outing as I am.”

James frowned, “Why not?”

“He’s worried the guy will try and hurt me.” Sirius sighed, “I’ve agreed with him that I'll text every half an hour, but that isn’t likely to prevent how anxious he’s going to be. And when he’s anxious he's snappy, as you’ve seen.”

“That’s alright, I'll try to take his mind off it.”

“Thank you.. Ah speak of the devil.” Sirius smiled.

James turned to see Regulus standing by the door.

He noticed how his eyes were much more open, he looked the most awake he had seen him ever be. James could finally tell that Regulus had natural looking tired eyes. 

He must have just gotten out of the shower, James noticed how his hair was still partially damp – curls were laced along his forehead. Regulus was wearing a large navy jumper that swallowed his frame, giving him a much younger complexion, innocent, sad.

It had S.O.B embroidered into it.

“Hi Regulus.” James lowered his voice to a more gentle tone, he had seen Sirius do this a few times.

“Hello James.” He replied quietly.

“I better get going, there's snacks and all that in the fridge. Help yourself.” Sirius gathered his bag and jacket from the couch.

“Have a good time mate.” James smiled.

“Certainly will do.” He leant over to Regulus, kissing the top of his head.

“Will you–?” Regulus whispered, James almost didn’t catch it.

“I will, I promise.” Sirius replied gently. “See you both in a bit.”

“See you.”

Regulus watched his brother leave from the hallway.

“So, whatcha fancy doing today?” James sat down with ease.

He had read about this technique that if you seem relaxed and calm, then the people around you would mimic your behaviour. He decided he would put it to the test.

Regulus didn’t speak, he remained by the door.

“Hey come on, I know you’re worrying about Sirius. But he’s going to be okay.” James tried to reassure the boy. “He deserves to have a bit of fun, doesn't he?”

Regulus nodded slightly.

“Come, sit down.”

After a few moments, he swiftly moved to sit down on the sofa the furthest from James.

“You didn’t come back.” Regulus said suddenly.

“Hm?” James furrowed his brows.

“After the concert. You didn’t come back.”

He bit his lip, not entirely sure what he was meant to say back to that, “Yeah, I didn’t.” James thought back to the concert, the contrast between Regulus then and now was remarkable, in the strangest of ways.
He wondered what else the boy was hiding, the other sides to him.

“I–” Regulus hesitated. “I'm sorry.”

“I’m sorry too. I should have had a better thought process, and I shouldn't have said some of the things I did.”

“You only told the truth. I’m thankful. For what you’re trying to do for me.”

He paused with a sigh, “I know I'm not making it easy.”

“You’re not, are you?” James chuckled lightly. “I can’t imagine it’s easy for you, to let someone new in.”

Regulus rubbed the back of his hands together.

“I would like you to know that I am very proud of you.”

“You are?” Regulus asked like it was the most ludicrous sentence in the world.

“I am. And I know Sirius is as well.”

“Oh.”

“What’d you say we do some brainstorming?” He grinned.

“I don’t know what that means.”

“Like, putting some ideas together.” James explained.

“What ideas?”

“Well that's the point.” He leant back, “Let's come up with some ideas. Operation make Reg happy.”

Regulus stared at him blankly.

“What are things you enjoy doing?”

“I like painting. And the piano.” 

James had to hide his surprise that he had actually gotten an answer. Two!

He hummed, “Maybe we could go to a piano show? Piano concert? They’re quiet aren’t they? Besides the Piano.”

“Yes, they are peaceful.”

“Would you like to do that? I'm sure I could find us one to go to?”

“Okay.”

James was sure he must have been busting at the seams, he felt like squealing. Regulus was actually cooperating and agreeing.

“I’ll make sure I do that. Are there any specific things you enjoy doing?” He asked.

Regulus looked deep in thought.

“Anything you did with your friends?” James wondered.

For a moment, Regulus looked like he was about to say something, but settled on something else. “I’m not sure.”

James knew this was a bold move and might have been pushing his luck, “Maybe we could see your friends? At some point?”

Regulus’ hands rubbed against each other harshly, James wanted to reach out and hold them.

 He mentally scolded himself for the suggestion, now wasn’t the time to–

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yes, okay.”

“Well, we’ll make sure we arrange that then.” James smiled.

Regulus nodded slowly, his eyes fixated on the phone screen that lit up beside him. His shoulders visibly relaxed.

His time spent with Regulus mainly consisted of finding a piano show to go to.

James watched his eyes light up as he skimmed some of the pieces that would be played at a particular show. His passion was beautiful.

Sirius arrived home after a couple of hours, after keeping his promise to Regulus, he texted every twenty eight minutes.

Sirius seemed ecstatic when he got back. James didn’t miss how his lips were far redder than usual, he decided not to comment on it.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TEN

REGULUS

It was a feeling like no other. It was unexplainable. An emotion that was too thick to be put into words.

His heart was numbed, yet it still felt too much.

Regulus had always been someone to take in everything around him, even when he was a baby, he didn't cry, he just observed.
He stared at other kids as though they were idiots for wanting to play games.

He remembered the smallest details of the smallest things. 

He had originally admired that about himself. It enabled him to feel comfortable when he knew that happened, everything that would happen.

Over the past months, he grew to loathe this trait. 

He wanted to forget.

He wanted to forget every single little thing that had happened to him. But this proved impossible.
The more he tried to forget, the more prominent the memories became.

Memory was too sweet a word to describe the sick recollection.

It wasn’t even just the mental side, it was physical, visional. 

Sometimes it overpowered him, most times. To the point of being paralysed, mentally.

Sirius did everything to prevent Regulus rotting away in his bed, even down to buying him a friend.

But this never stopped the ache.

Regulus could never see it stopping. It would be this forever. He couldn’t do that.

Regulus remembered Sirius being furious when he wanted to end his life. Sirius couldn’t get his head around it. It seemed overdramatic. 

But it was unlivable, it wasn’t something you could understand unless it had happened to you.

He hated the after.

After , Regulus had to have the bath uninstalled from his bathroom and a shower refitted, he couldn’t stand to look at it. It was like a black hole in his vision.

The shower was still an everyday obstacle, Sirius had to stay in the bathroom the majority of the time. Sirius had to test the temperature of the water before Regulus used it. Sirius had to help wash him when it got too bad.

Sirius had to do a lot of things. 

He remained adamant on keeping up Regulus’ curl routine. Regulus’ curls had been his pride and joy, buying the most expensive products, his little expensive diffuser, it had been an everyday workout.
But after , he lost the energy, he saw no point in it.

Sirius refused to let this happen. He sat him down on the edge of his bed every night and followed through with the curl routine for him. 

Despite how silly it might have sounded, it was probably Sirius’ way of ensuring his little brother didn’t completely fall apart.

After , Regulus couldn’t go in the kitchen anymore. He couldn’t view any type of kitchen equipment. Not even cutlery for mealtimes.

Sirius brought plastic sets of everything after the first dinner outside of the hospital, Regulus had completely fallen apart at the sight of metal. He also made sure the less essential equipment was hidden away in kitchen drawers, whisks, mixers, scoops, anything metal.

After , Regulus couldn’t iron his clothes anymore. Ironing was that of a weekly routine before, it had relaxed him.
He took pride in the clothing he wore and it always had to be pristine. Sirius had locked the iron away (and the board, for good measure), after the first breakdown Regulus had when he saw it.

After , Regulus couldn’t have any door locked or even closed. Sirius opened every door in the house after discovering Regulus had spent far too much time locked behind one.

The sight of a closed door threw Regulus straight back into the incident he wanted so badly to dispose of.

He wanted to burn it from his mind, carve it out. Anything to make it disappear.

After , Regulus couldn’t see his friends. The thought of having to face them, after them knowing all the details of what had happened, made him sick.
He had ignored every text, every call. In fact, he had hardly touched his phone, just in case a notification popped up and he was forced to read their texts.
Sirius had told him that his friends had said they would look at him the same way, nothing would change . But that wasn’t true.

Regulus wasn’t stupid, of course things would change, they would pity him. They wouldn’t look at him and see their best friend, they’d look at him and see the boy who was attacked.

After , it had become nearly impossible for Regulus to watch films. Something in them always brought up some sort of flashback, wherever that be a closed door, black tiled flooring, popcorn walls.

It had become impossible for Regulus to live. Something was always a reminder.

It was an all day, everyday suffocation.

This wasn’t something that would ‘get better’.  

No therapist, no doctor, no person could make this go away.

It would never change. And that scared him, to have to go through his days remembering what those people did to him. Having to second guess his every decision, will this cause a panic attack? Will it cause a flashback?

-

Sometimes it felt like the panic attacks and flashbacks would kill him.

They overtook every sense in his body.

They never felt like they would end.

Those moments where he couldn’t catch his breath, they truly felt like they would be the end.

He would hope they were.

-

Every day and every night, his mind replayed the torture he was succumbed to. Every touch was refelt, every part of the excruciating amounts of pain were refelt.

He tried not to think about the people that caused all of this.

But when he did, he was confronted with confusion.

Why? Why did they have to do it? Was it really worth destroying someone's life with your sick fantasies just to land yourself in prison? Surely there was something else they co uld have done than this? Why was it me? Did I do something to deserve this? 

To them, it was one night of enjoyment at someone else's expense. 

To Regulus, it was one night that would carry on for the rest of his life.

Sometimes he wondered, late at night, did they regret it? If they had the chance to apologise, would they? Would he accept it?

Sirius had told him that he could talk about it. He was allowed to get it all off his chest if he needed to. He was there to listen.

He did need to.

But he wouldn’t do it.

He couldn’t do it. 

He couldn’t even say the word out loud.

Regulus didn’t want his brother to hear about any of it. It was embarrassing. Shameful.

So Sirius suggested a therapist, well, it was more of a telling than a suggestion. And Regulus just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t face it.

The therapist had organised a home visit for the session, since he had failed to turn up to the office. It hadn’t gone well. Perhaps it was because Regulus had such a fixed mindset about what he thought therapy would consist of.

He refused to engage with anything, he didn’t

speak, look, or even acknowledge the woman. She tried her hardest, starting out with simple things, his favourite colour, food, countries. She asked about France.

She made it very clear they would not talk about the incident. But it was pointless, he knew what therapy was for and asking him about his favourite shapes wouldn’t change his outlook.

Eventually, a stop had to be put on the sessions. 

There was only so much that could be done when the person refused anything and everything. 

She advised Sirius to try again when Regulus was more settled and ‘open minded’ and in the meantime to read up on supporting a trauma survivor.

Regulus thought that was a foolish thing to call him. He wasn’t a survivor if he was going to kill himself eventually. Did that make him any less of a victim? If he wasn’t a survivor? 

When Sirius decided he was “getting a companion” for Regulus, he almost laughed at him. He was going to buy him a friend, he couldn’t even speak to his current ones, what hope did this ‘companion’ have? 

Unlike the therapist, the companion was entirely there to be friendly, not to help him with what he’d been through. 

-

When he met James, Regulus wanted to punch him. 

Not to be violent, more mentally. Some random person was walking in, probably qualified enough to become the prime minister, and Regulus hated him. It had only been a few minutes. 

Realistically, Regulus only engaged for his brother's sake. He had said yes to the seven months agreement, so he had to keep Sirius happy at least until the end. 

It wouldn’t be fair, otherwise.

He certainly did engage with James, but that didn’t mean he would engage happily. So he decided to make it as difficult as possible.

Eventually, things had gotten too much. The panic attacks were too much, the memories. They were everywhere. It was inescapable. 

He wanted to end the agreement earlier, he wanted rid of James.

Regulus went through ‘good’ patches and bad patches. The ‘good’ patches were really just bad with a slight positive. The bad ones.. We're bad. 

He was so angry at the world. And everyone and everything around him.

This was when he had the first (and only) physical outburst at Sirius.

It hadn’t been damaging, but it was enough to send Sirius’ patience out the window.

Sirius had shouted at him, and in a moment of rage slammed the bedroom door without thinking. He opened it almost as quickly as he’d closed it and apologised profusely.

It had all been too much. For the two brothers.

That caused the both of them to break down.

He spent hours screaming, for no particular point afterwards. Just endless hours of screaming and crying. It was Regulus expressing his emotions, he couldn’t find another way to do it that didn’t include burning the world down.

Though if he had ever decided to do that, Sirius would have been right by his side to help him along the way.

-

When Regulus had discovered that James was, in fact, not qualified enough to be a prime minister, he began to - dare I say - like him. He wouldn’t have admitted that though. 

However, a lot of things were short-lived with Regulus.

The concert had destroyed any progress made between the two of them. But it had also been an eye opener. Regulus needed someone to tell him straight that he was being an arsehole to those around him. 

He admired James’ bravery, truly. No one else would have done it.

When James didn’t turn up the first day after, he worried that he might not ever return.

Once it had been multiple days, he was sure he’d finally gotten rid of him.

It was just Regulus’ luck that he gets rid of someone when he finally decides he wants to keep them.

When James came back, Regulus was content. Happy was too strong a word for this time in his life. 

He decided he was going to try to make these last months of the agreement halfway decent, not for himself, for Sirius. And James.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER ELEVEN

JAMES

James searched high and low to find the right piano show to take Regulus to. He was determined to make this as exciting an experience as possible.

The piano was evidently a strong passion for Regulus and in absolutely no way was James prepared to ruin that for him.

He took in all the struggles Regulus had previously shown at the Summertime Ball. Too much noise, the crowds, the distance.

It had actually proven more difficult than he had imagined, there seemed to be something not quite right with each one.

Either the hall held a few too many thousand people, the music was more abrupt than classical, the venue was a mile too far or it had something wrong with it that James just couldn’t put his finger on.

James had spent an embarrassingly long time researching the dress code for these types of events. From his impression, it was all suits and ball gowns. He really was going to have to pull that wedding suit out the back of his wardrobe. He wondered if Regulus would wear a suit, how would he look in it?

He scrolled through different places in London, all the recitals that were taking place at different times on different days. James’ life never revolved around classical music or piano concerts, it was strange for him to see a whole new way of life that had never been presented to him before.

He wondered how many other things had been hidden throughout his lifetime or passions he had simply missed. How many doors had he unknowingly walked past in his life?

James had almost found a recital he had deemed worthy for Regulus, at the Royal Albert Hall, everything seemed perfect. Until he realised just how grand the venue was, it would hold far too many people. 

He kicked his desk as he fell back onto his chair. That overwhelming feeling of uselessness was back again.

This was the one thing he was certain Regulus would enjoy, he’d promised to find somewhere suitable. James couldn’t just return empty handed now.

He stared at the ceiling. Was Regulus excited to go to a piano concert? The thought made James want to scream, imagining Regulus so happy about something just for James to rain on his parade with his ability to ruin things.

What was he doing? Acting like this? How was he ever going to get it right if he didn’t put his all in until the very end.

And that's what he did. He pulled himself back up and began scrolling once again.

An advert caught his attention at the bottom of the screen. After a few clicks and looks, James finally knew he had found his piano concert.

He stood outside Regulus’ bedroom door, wedding suit blazer in hand, awaiting his appearance. He could hear shuffling and complaints coming from behind it.

Sirius peeked his head around the frame and spoke, “He’ll be right with you!” before disappearing again.

After a few more minutes, Sirius walked out, pushing the door open fully, a massive smile was plastered across his face.
When James saw the sight, he found his own face a mirror of Sirius’.

Regulus was dressed in a simple sleek black suit that screamed class. His hair was perfectly crafted in place, each curl tight and resting effortlessly. He was clutching the shirt sleeves tightly in his hands, James could feel the nerves radiating off the boy. 

The nerves might have been about seeing the show, after all, their last outing hadn’t been the greatest.
Or they could have been about what he was wearing.

James found himself visioning Regulus wanting to make sure he looked perfect for the recital, but then worrying that maybe he had gone over the top with his outfit. James loved it, he looked so beautiful.

“Monsieur Regulus Black, I believe I have a show to escort us to.” James spoke in his most upper class accent - that was still nothing in comparison to the Black brothers’. 

Sirius stood behind his brother, a face that of a proud father sending their child off to school for their first day.

“The taxi should be downstairs.” Sirius grinned as he began to follow the stairs down.

Regulus timidly followed behind.

“You look very lovely, Regulus.” James whispered, ducking his head down a bit to meet his height, hoping to ease him.

“Thank you,” He replied just as quietly, their footsteps echoed through the hallway as they walked, “You look nice too.”

James smiled, “Thank you.”

“Alright you two, have fun, text me when you get there and when you’re leaving.” Sirius spoke. 

James saw Sirius attempting to play it cool by asking for texts, just like Regulus had mere days ago when Sirius was going on a date. James saw Sirius’ own anxiety about the whole thing.

“We certainly will do.” James reassured, he walked outside the front door - he just about caught sight of Sirius undoing Regulus’ blazer button and ironing out his shoulders with his hands. Seemingly to help his brother feel and appear the tiniest bit relaxed.

James pulled himself into the Black cab, Regulus followed suit. Sirius waved as the car drove away.

“You looking forward to the show?” James asked.

“Yes.” Regulus said, still rather quietly, “I like the piano.” He informed James as he bit his lip. James wondered if he had regretted saying that.

“Do you know a lot about the piano?” He asked, he hoped he could help ease Regulus by engaging him in conversation about something he likes.

He looked as if he were contemplating this question. “I do.”

“Would you like to tell me something about it? I’m clueless, me, don’t know a thing to save my life.” James laughed.

After a few moments, Regulus spoke again, “The first piano was made in Italy, in 1709.” He rubbed the backs of his hands together, “By Bartolomeo Cristofori.” He added.

“Wow, the Piano’s that old? Seems like quite a modern instrument to me.” More silence went by and James began thinking of a new way to subtly ask about the piano. Though his poor lack of piano knowledge made it rather difficult.

“It was originally called gravicèmbalo col piano e forte , that translates to harpsichord with soft and loud notes.” Regulus said suddenly.

James was taken aback, “That’s a long name,” he raised his eyebrows.

“The name was eventually shortened to pianoforte , then to piano. For people like you.” He added, the smallest hint of a smile played along his lips.

“Excuse you, what is that meant to mean!?” James grinned with a look of feigned offence on his face.

“Well, not everybody has the intelligence to say long words.” Regulus stated a matter of factly.

“What's the use in saying long words when it's quicker to say a nickname?” James challenged.

“That’s just your excuse for not being able to pronounce the accents.” There was still a grin lingering on his lips.

“I most definitely can!”

“No, you can’t.”

“That is indeed very unkind to make such an accusation.” James couldn’t hold back his laugh any longer. It was so unusual to see Regulus joke, despite how serious he was as he said it. Honestly he probably wasn’t even joking, that’s the funny part.

And then something happened, something that James couldn’t have ever pictured happening. Regulus laughed too. It was quiet, it was small. But it was there. James saw how his eyes disappeared as the smile reached them. 

It was such a magnificent sight, the night had hardly started and James was already feeling accomplished.

The venue was even more perfect than James had imagined. 

It was quiet, private, and small. Everything he could have wanted.

The two took their seats on the edge of the fourth row, James had even thought down to the smallest details, a seat that wasn’t too close to the stage to be overwhelming and on the end of the aisle to ensure they had an easy escape if things did get too much.

They watched as many couples of all ages, young, elderly, all sat in their own seats, eager for the recital to begin. Everyone dressed just as extravagantly.

Regulus’ hands were shaking, his nails creating crescent moon shapes on the insides of his fingers as they shook. His eyes were darting around the room at the people walking to their seats, stopping on anyone in particular who came within a few feet close.

James had accounted for everything he could with the environment, but he couldn’t stop the anxiety and fear that was bound to be there regardless of the setting. 

He opened and closed his mouth, unsure of what to say, cautious incase he made things worse.

He felt his mind making decisions of his own.

He placed his hand on top of Regulus’, swiftly. 

The reaction was instant. Regulus’ hands froze in place, his eyes meeting where their hands touched.

“The seats are quite comfy aren't they?” James asked, looking around the room.

“Yes.” Regulus mumbled.

He couldn’t make out who moved first but slowly, James felt their fingers laced over each other. In soft, delicate movements. 

Their hands were intertwined together.

The lights dimmed as the pianist entered the stage, the mumbling throughout the audience quickly died down for the show to begin.

James was intrigued by the man before him, as he pressed each key with practised hands, his eyes closed. His expressions showed pure passion for the instrument. 

He found it impossible to comprehend how such talent could be memorised with such elegance. He supposed it was muscle memory at this point, with the amount of shows the pianist must play at, but it still baffled James’ mind.

A new piece began and James felt a slight twitch from Regulus’ hand that still remained tangled with his own.

For a few seconds, James worried something had gone wrong. But Regulus’ face said differently. 

His eyes, usually so grey, were brightened entirely with adoration. Perhaps even happiness. They were fixated on the stage, following every white pressed key. A shy smile, the clearest James had ever seen, was evident. It was the sweetest thing. 

Regulus was rocking back and forth slightly as the song reached its peak.

James couldn’t help but grin, Regulus’ love for piano music truly was a wonder to this world. 

He hadn’t realised that music could unlock things in you, could transport you to somewhere even the composer hadn’t predicted. It left an imprint in the air around you, as if you carried its remnants with you when you went.

He wished Regulus could always feel like this. 

He wished he could show Sirius this moment. He couldn’t wait to tell him, to see Sirius’ face light up.

“How’d you find it?” James asked.

“Find what?”

“Did you find the show good?” He rephrased.

Regulus nodded quickly, “I liked it a lot.”

“I’m very happy to hear that.” Their hands swung between them, clasped together tightly, whilst they exited the theatre.

They stopped walking at the end of the road to wait for their driver.

“Thank you for taking me.” Regulus faced him, his eyes were on James’ shirt collar.

“Thank you for coming with me and sharing this experience.” He smiled, “I’ve never seen the beauty of the piano before.”

Regulus bit down on his bottom lip. “I like spending time with you now.”

“I like spending time with you too.” James grinned, “ Now .”

The unnecessary use of ‘now’.  Regulus openly admitted he didn’t like spending time with him before but now he does, with one simple extra word. 

James thought that was funny.

Regulus brought his eyes to James’. 

For a few moments he felt like they were the only two people in the entire world. There were no cars, no people. It was like one of those silly magic moments in films. The ones that are life changing. 

The silence spoke enough words.

They spent the drive back with their hands still linked.

All this. All the happiness, the joy, made all the searching worth it. James would search till the end of the earth if it meant Regulus could feel the way he did again.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWELVE 

SIRIUS

He would be lying if he said he hadn’t been worried about Regulus going out with James.

Not because he didn’t trust James, it was just.. Other people he didn’t trust.

And when Regulus came home, closed his door nearly all the way and didn’t speak to him, he panicked.

It was too late in the evening to call James up and question him so he spent the rest of the night stressing over whatever had happened.

How far would this push Regulus back?

Was he hurt?

Did someone hurt him?

If it had been that bad surely James would have texted?

“You’re up?” Remus’ voice spoke through the phone.

“Yeah. Sorry for calling, did I wake you?” Sirius asked, running a hand over his face. It was a bad idea to call him. He burdened people enough already.

“No, not at all. I’m always awake late. Practically nocturnal.” He laughed quietly, “What’s on your mind?”

There were a few moments of silence on the line. 

“I’m scared.” Sirius admitted. “I’m so scared.”

“That’s okay. I’m scared of a lot of things too. What are you scared about?”

“I'm scared of the future. And the past. I'm scared for the person closest to me. And im fucking scared of me. Doing the wrong things, saying the wrong things.” He exhaled sharply.

“I think everyones a bit scared of the future. We don’t know what's going to happen, we never will until the time comes. But i think what's best is we cherish our days while we know we have them. We can't spend our time worrying, Sirius.”

Remus spoke, “Before the car accident, i lived my life willy nilly, i never took chances, i never did anything outside of my comfort zone, i was anxious all the time. But afterwards, when i had a first hand experience of being on death's door, i realised i couldn’t waste my life away being fearful of the unknown. Tomorrow could be our last. At the end of the day, we are all going to die at some point. It’s inevitable. In a hundred years, nobody will remember us. So what we embarrass ourselves? Or so what we say the wrong thing? We can always try again. It’s a miniscule inconvenience in the universe. And I think this mindset is what led me to you. Couple of years ago, I never would have suggested we see eachother again. I would have just spent my days wishing I did. We can’t live life in fear. Or regret.”

Sirius couldn’t explain what this made him feel. It gave him hope. 

So what this happens.

So what that happens .

He can't waste his life away.

He cannot waste Regulus’ life away.

He cannot let Regulus waste his life away. No matter how short it might turn out to be.

“Thank you.” Sirius coughed as he tried to suppress a sob.

“You’re welcome.”

A few minutes of silence went by. Each listening to their breathing. Sirius’ managed to steady itself out around the fourth minute.

“Remus?”

“Yeah?”

“I want this. I want us. I know it’s fast, we hardly know each other.”

“Sirius, I have known you my entire life.” Remus whispered, “You are the one for me.”

After the phone call with Remus, the night came easier. The air felt cleaner. The sun rose quicker. And Sirius was ready to face this, life was short. He had no time to waste.

“Regulus?” Sirius pushed the bedroom door wider.

Regulus was sitting resting his head against the bed frame. Sirius noted that he didn’t seem upset, angry or even miserable, like usual when something went wrong.

His eyes were wide, he looked calm. Maybe even a bit blank. Confused? Sirius really couldn’t make it out.

“Hey.” 

“Hi.” Regulus replied.

“You didn’t talk to me last night.” Sirius stated as he sat down on the opposite end of the bed. 

Regulus stared at the bed sheets, uneasily.

“You going to tell me why?”

“No.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “Why not?”

“I don’t want to.”

“Alright, tell me about the show. How was it?”

Regulus nodded, “It was good. There was piano music.”

There was an instant drop of his own shoulders, a weight had been lifted. Nothing bad happened. Nothing would push Regulus back.

“Really? I thought it would have guitar music?” Sirius opened his mouth with feigned shock.

Regulus looked at him as if he were the most stupidest person on the planet.

“Obviously not. It was a piano show. Why would you think that?”

“You’re the one telling me there's piano music at a piano show!” Sirius laughed.

“Well clearly I had to specify that because you thought there was guitar music.”

“I didn’t rea–.” Sirius sighed, he couldn’t be bothered explaining so he decided to throw a pillow at his brother's head.

“What did you do that for?” Regulus groaned.

“Fun.” Sirius put up his middle finger, “Now tell me more about the show. What happened?”

“Nothing happened, I watched the show and then I went home.” He shrugged his shoulders.

“So why the moody teenager attitude when you got home?”

That look was back on his face again. The one Sirius couldn’t work out.

“I don’t know.” He mumbled.

“Did something happen with James? An argument?” His mind went over all the smallest possibilities. 

“No.” Regulus responded quickly.

Sirius had it, something happened with James. “Yes it did. What happened?” 

“Nothing happened.” Regulus was using that voice now, the one where he was getting overwhelmed, he was getting angry with himself because he couldn’t understand his feelings.

“Okay.”

“Nothing happened.” He repeated, quietly this time.

“Okay,” Sirius contemplated his next move as cautiously as he would a chess game, “Do you think maybe something did happen? And you're not sure how to feel about it?” He spoke quietly now.

“No.” Regulus replied instantly, “Yes.” He rubbed the backs of his hands together.

Sirius nodded, he recognised this movement, Regulus had done it ever since he was little. 

“Would you like to tell me what has made you a bit confused?” Sirius found that giving Regulus an option by asking usually worked better. Often if he was told to answer a question, he wouldn’t. There was less pressure.

Regulus’ eyes remained firmly on the bedroom floor. “James held my hand.”

Of all the things that had gone through Sirius’ head, this had never even crossed it.

“Right.. Did you not want him to hold your hand?” He wondered which way this was going. A beat James up direction or a welcome to the family direction.

“No.”

“No? No you didn’t want him to or no you did want him to?” He really should have phrased his question better.

“I did want him too.” Regulus’ cheeks began to pinken.

Sirius sat back, “Oh.” Well.. He did not see this one coming.

“Reg, do you know why you wanted him to hold your hand?” Sirius was handing Regulus pieces of the puzzle to help him work out everything in his own mind. Sirius could see it as clear as day now.

“No.”

“Well, usually when people want someone to hold their hand, it might mean they like that person.” Sirius tried very hard to explain in simple terms but still managed to feel like he was overcomplicating it.

Regulus rubbed at the back of his neck.

“Do you think you like James?” 

“Yes, he took me to a piano show.”

“Reg, I mean like.. Remember Remus? I like Remus in a different way to how I like James. James is my friend and Remus might be more than my friend.” Sirius spoke, “Do you think you might like James as more than a friend?”

Regulus began to move back and forth slowly.

“But James is a boy.”

“So? Remus is a boy. Boys are allowed to like boys, girls are allowed to like girls. There's nothing wrong with that.” 

“I know. But.” His hands were back to rubbing against each other, “I never liked boys before.”

“That’s alright. There has always been a time where people haven’t liked boys before, or girls. It’s a part of finding yourself, discovering new things–”

“No Sirius. You don’t understand.” Regulus exclaimed.

“Okay. Can you help me understand?”

Regulus’ breathing was empty and desperate as he clenched and pulled the bed sheets in his palms.

“I mean before. I didn’t like boys before .”

Oh.

This is why he had felt so confused.

Sirius inhaled sharply, “Right, Regulus. I need you to listen to me.” He pulled Regulus’ hands away from the sheets, clasping them in his own. “What those people did to you, has nothing to do with you liking boys. Wherever it had happened or not, you still would have still liked James. Do you understand?”

Regulus cries muffled into his brother’s shoulder.

“I didn’t want it. I didn’t like it, I promise.” He sobbed.

Sirius gripped him tighter, “I know, Reg. I know.”

They had never spoken about it before. And it broke Sirius’ heart even more to hear what Regulus’ thought process was.

“I didn’t like it, I didn't like it.” He cried.

As he heard his brother repeat the words over and over again, he began to feel that the justification was not aimed at him. 

Forgiveness would never be on the cards, not to the attackers, not to the lawyer, not to that one detective, for making his brother feel that it was his fault, that he must have enjoyed it, that things like this “didn’t happen to boys.” 

They spent the morning in bed, after that. 

“James will be here soon.” Sirius grinned. 

Oh how he was fully prepared to be unbearable now. 

Regulus’ cheeks went a deep shade of crimson.

Like magic, the doorbell rang.

“Speak of the devil,” Sirius ran to the door, eager to see Regulus’ reaction.

He caught him placing his curls in the perfect places in the mirror.

“Hey,” James smiled, walking into the hallway, which held a very happy looking Sirius and a.. Less happy looking Regulus.

“Hi.” Regulus spoke quietly, his face was practically flaming at this point.

Sirius watched as the two made their way into the living room.

Hiring James had given him even more than he had asked for. 

Regulus needed this. He needed people. 

In a moment of confidence, Sirius pulled out his phone and scrolled to two names in his contact list.

Evan (Reg’s friend)

Barty (that loud one)

Chapter Text

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

BARTY

Ever since Barty could remember, he, Regulus and Evan had been inseparable, He’d often been told that trio’s didn’t work, but theirs did. It always did. They bounced off of each other in the best of ways, like atoms.

He couldn’t forgive himself for what happened to Regulus.

The three of them had gone to a nightclub in Mayfair, this wasn’t out of the ordinary for them. As soon as they were legal to buy alcohol, it became somewhat a regular thing every weekend.

They always had one strict rule whenever they went out. We come together, we leave together.

“Mind if we leave earlier tonight? I’m not feeling great.” Regulus said, rubbing at his forehead.

“Have you still got that headache?” Evan asked as the three of them approached the bar, holding out his ID to the staff as if he were a police officer.

“Yeah.”

The bartender began serving their drinks, pouring the vodka into a glass with ice and lime. Barty had forgotten to ask for no lime, he couldn’t be bothered to correct the man.

He remembered it all so vividly.

“We’ll leave after this drink, yeah? We can go buy some from the off licence and drink at yours?” Barty suggested, “If that’s alright with the brother.” He grinned.

“Sure.” He replied dully, with a forced smile.

Barty could tell from the look in his eyes, Regulus really wasn’t up for being out. Perhaps it hadn’t been the best idea to persuade him to come.

After collecting their drinks, they walked to a booth towards the back of the club.

They had only been sitting for a few minutes when a group came to join them.

“Mulciber,” He held his hand out to shake Barty’s.

“Barty.” He replied bluntly, he wasn’t drunk enough to entertain these men who decided to assert themselves into his night.

The conversation was brief, Barty chose not to speak much, leaving that to Evan, for once. He spent his time downing his drink, hoping to reach that buzz a bit quicker. Barty noticed Regulus excuse himself to go to the bathroom, he had been about to follow him.

He felt a hand caress his shoulder.

“What are you doing?” Barty snapped, “Get your fucking hands off.”

“What?” The man he believed to be called Avery said, “Just getting your attention.” He smirked.

“Don’t touch me.”

Avery laughed, “Someones a bit feisty.”

Evan gave Barty the look. The ‘lets get the fuck out of here look’. Barty nodded in return.

It wasn’t unusual to encounter weird people like them, especially in clubs.

“Right, well. It was great to meet you all. But we better get going now.” Evan smiled politely, standing from the booth.

“What? You’re leaving already?” The third man spoke, he hadn’t caught his name yet.

“You haven’t even finished your drink yet.” Mulciber sneered.

“Yeah, getting late and everything.” Evan responded, “See you round.”

They walked away quickly, ignoring the two calls after them.

“Creeps.” Evan whispered.

Barty pulled out his phone, texting Regulus to let him know they were standing by the exit and were no longer at the booth.

“Just texted Reg.” Barty stated.

He couldn’t remember how long they had been talking but Regulus still wasn’t back. It had been too long now. Something was wrong.

“I’m going to go check the booth, make sure they haven’t captured him with their remarks.” Barty rolled his eyes.

“I’ll go check the toilets, might not be feeling well.” Evan said.

When he found the booth empty, part of him had been relieved that those men were gone. They wouldn’t have any trouble with having to explain why they were still there.

It hadn’t crossed his mind at all that Regulus was gone with them.

They searched the whole club. Twice. And the outside.

Regulus was nowhere to be found.

“Think his toilet excuse was his way of getting away?” Evan laughed, opening the exit door.

“Probably, could have texted though.” Barty flicked through his messages, confirming that there were indeed no new messages. “He hasn’t seen my last text.”

“He must have gone home, he wasn’t feeling well anyway..”

He must have gone home.

He must have gone home.

He must have gone home.

He must have gone home.

He must have gone home.

He must have gone home.

He didn’t go home.

Regulus never would have left without letting them know.

Barty hated himself.

He hated that his mind had believed Regulus had gone home.

He hated that his mind had entertained the idea.

He hated how much of a fool he had been.

1:52pm the next morning.

Sirius called him at 1:52pm.

He had thought this was unusual.

Barty was confident this was the worst moment of his life.

He remembered Sirius screaming at him, Sirius was driving at the time. He couldn’t make out what he was saying, he just wanted him to stop the car before he crashed whilst cursing Barty’s name. 

Sirius wouldn’t calm down.

“What the fuck happened?” Sirius screamed down the line.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about! Just stop the fucking car!” Barty shouted back.

“My brother! Regulus! What the fuck happened last night?”

Barty remembered the day being a blur after that. The next week being a blur. The police interview being a blur. Everything was a blur.

He and Evan tried to see Regulus on the 10th day he was in hospital. But it was too soon. He knew it would be, but he had to try.

Barty cried into Sirius’ shoulder that day.

Months had gone by, since he had last seen Regulus. It was the longest they had been apart in years.

Every day, Barty texted Regulus some useless sort of information. Wherever that was about his day, some idiot that had annoyed him at work, the new trainers he brought, a picture of some pasta he made that he claimed was ‘special’, a cat he found on his way to class.

He was pretty sure Evan did the same thing.

He hadn’t received a reply to any of his messages. But Barty had to keep him in the loop with his life with a daily message, he was still his best friend.

Originally he had thought Regulus was angry with him. He wouldn’t have blamed him, he was angry enough at himself.

Sirius had informed him otherwise.

Barty often asked Sirius for updates on how Regulus was.

He hated the thought of Regulus being embarrassed or ashamed.

The incident took nothing away from how much he loved Regulus, he wouldn’t see him any differently. They were best friends. 

When he received a text from Sirius, telling him to come over the next day, he was absolutely over the moon.

He watched Evan ring the doorbell.

For some reason he just couldn’t shake the nervous energy that had been invading his body for the past few hours.

“Hey.” Sirius greeted as he led them into the hall.

“How is he?” Evan asked quickly, with no time for greetings. He wanted to see Regulus, as did Barty.

“He’s doing.. Alright. Not the greatest but it's the best he’'s been in a while.” Sirius smiled.

Barty couldn’t imagine what Regulus had been going through since he was attacked, his heart felt that little bit fuller hearing that he's doing better. Better enough to see him and Evan again.

“He doesn’t actually know you’re coming today.” Sirius bit his lip, running a hand through his hair.

“But he needs to know in advance.” Barty said quickly, as if the faster he spoke, the faster Regulus would know. 

“I thought he would worry if he didn't know what's going to happen?” Evan questioned.

“Yeah.. yeah I know. I didn’t want him to spend the night thinking too much. He has James here.”

“Who?” Barty asked, wracking his brain searching for the name.

“James. The companion I hired to spend time with him.” Sirius took a deep breath, seemingly like he was realising his own possible mistake, “I think James will help keep him calm.”

“James.” Barty repeated the foreign name quietly, testing it on his tongue. He couldn’t help the sudden wave of jealousy. 

Evan nodded uncertainly.

“Just.. just wait out here while I speak to him.” 

“Sure.” 

Barty watched Sirius disappear behind the living room door. He took in his surroundings, of the house. He remembered the last time he had been here, he’d been waiting for Regulus to finish doing his hair upstairs. Evan was having a smoke outside. Every few minutes he’d hurl some sort of insult up the stairs. The posh prick. Barty smiled to himself at the memory. They had been on their way out for lunch, at a new cafe, that day.

Sirius reappeared again. His face told him all he needed to know. This probably wasn’t going to go well. He suddenly felt foolish for believing everything would be as it was before. That wasn’t going to happen today. They likely wouldn’t ever go back to how they were. 

“Speak quietly, please.” Sirius said, nodding towards the door as he opened it all the way.

Evan walked in first, Barty remained in the hall. He watched how Evan walked carefully inside, his head tilted to the side with a soft smile, looking to a part of the room Barty was unable to see from where he was standing. 

After a few seconds, he followed Evan through.

He saw Regulus’ pretentious curls over the curve of the sofa first, followed by the paleness of his cheeks. His face was a lot sharper than the last time he’d seen him, he had very clearly lost a lot of weight over the months. His heart ached.

Regulus was staring at the floor rather vigorously, strictly avoiding their presence in the room. Beside him was James, who waved.

“Hey Reg.” Barty spoke quietly as he tucked his hands into his trouser pockets.

“Hi.” Evan smiled, speaking just as cautiously as he had.

Regulus remained like a statue, frozen in time.

The moments felt like hours as they stood silently.

“I’m James.” He interrupted the thick tension, standing to shake his and Evan’s hands.

“Evan, nice to meet you.”

Barty decided he didn’t like James. He seemed too joyful. Full of himself, he had something Barty wanted. He wanted his best friend back. James had taken that. A stranger had taken that from him.

Suddenly, Regulus stood from the couch, running out of the room as Sirius quickly ran after him.

Barty followed suit, after a few moments of watching the living room door intently. 

“I’m sorry! I made a mistake. I’m sorry Regulus. Please.” Sirius pleaded.

“No. No Sirius.” Regulus walked towards the staircase, his hands protecting his ears. Barty felt helpless. He didn’t know what to say. Where to look. This was because of him.

“Reg, I know I should have told you. I just thou–”

“I hate you.” Regulus shouted.

Barty watched as he saw Sirius’ physical flinch to the words.

“Regulus, don’t say that. Come here. Just.. just calm down. It’s going to be okay. You’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about.” Sirius begged, his hand reached out to grasp his brother's.

Clearly the motion had come unexpectedly to Regulus. When the touch took him by surprise, Barty watched as a flash of panic crossed his face,  he suddenly lost his footing. 

Regulus fell down the stairs, hitting his face painfully on the edge of the steps, with a loud bang. His arms didn’t manage to break his fall in time. Blood began to pour from his nose. 

James rushed out the living room, taking the scene in, his mouth slightly ajar.

Barty was sure that everybody in the house was panicking now.

“Regulus. It’s okay.” Sirius breathed, “It’s okay.” He knelt down beside his brother cautiously, like he was afraid of making things worse. “Let me just.. James can you get tissues or.. James.” Sirius looked to James desperately.

“Okay, yeah. Just a sec.” James jumped into action, rushing to the kitchen.

Barty saw Regulus shaking, his hands were held out in front of him, looking at his own blood. His face was blank. His breathing was rapidly increasing by the second.

“Reg. It’s okay.” Sirius repeated.

He felt Evan put a hand on his shoulder, “I think we should leave.” 

Regulus looked up, seemingly like he had forgotten they were there and screamed. His breathing had gone through the roof now, he began hyperventilating, choking every few seconds on his own blood.

Everything had gotten far too much for him.

Sirius practically dragged him into an embrace holding him tightly against his chest, avoiding his nose, shielding him from harm. Muttering words to his little brother while they waited for James.

Barty didn’t want to think of what he was probably remembering right now. He felt frozen in place. Watching his best friend experience every painful emotion known to man. 

Regulus. His Regulus. Somebody had done this to his Regulus.

“Let’s go,” Evan whispered.
Barty nodded silently.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

REGULUS

JULY

He stared at his bedroom ceiling for hours on end.

Mortified, embarrassed, humiliated. 

No word could explain what Regulus was feeling at that moment. The more his mind repeated the events that took place a mere day ago, the sicker he felt. His stomach was churning, his head was spinning, he craved silver.

Whenever this feeling occurred (which was frankly, quite often) he itched for pain. A release to smother his inadequateness.

The only obstacle in his way was trying to explain the evidence to his brother, it would be futile. So instead he mourned the loss of his escape from reality (with much self-pity).

He was a virus to himself and everyone around him.

Regulus wanted to scream until he couldn’t feel his throat, till his lungs were raw. Till every breathing cell, vein, artery, atom, was burnt. Singed. Smoked from the inside out.

He held far too much hatred inside for someone his age. He hated so harshly that it hurt. As much as he ached for pain, he only wished for the physical side., as long as it was on his own terms. Mentally, there was no way he could take anymore. Not now. Not ever.

Once when he was younger, he heard a teacher say one of her students had been complaining of their brain aching after a maths lesson, she seemed rather happy about it, Regulus had thought that stupid at the time. How could a brain ache? How could it not. After so much torment, he wasn’t sure it would ever stop. Or if it was even a plausible hope to wish it ever would. 

How was his brain supposed to function after all it had succumbed to? 

No day had been easy since the incident but somehow James Potter found a way to dull the pain, if even in the slightest.

Regulus was afraid he’d become addicted to James, like a drug.

Everytime he found himself wondering.. What if? He was hit with the brutal realisation that this man. This gorgeous man. Was here to work. James was here for money and that’s what he was getting.

No doubt, Sirius was paying the man hundreds a day, just to keep him there. It was his job to make Regulus feel better. And a childish, stubborn part of him wanted to prove - to some sort of invisible force he’d made up in his mind - that no, he wouldn’t be tricked into feeling happy. 

He felt clever for working it all out, for not giving in, like he felt the need to pat himself on the back and say well done. But the more he thought about it.. He didn’t actually know why he felt the need to react so immaturely to a fact that is written in stone (or that fancy ivory paper that Sirius used for important things).

James was there to make him happy. It wasn’t algebra.

James was like a siren, luring him in with his easy smile, his soft words, his glowing eyes. It was all nothing but a trick. 

A trick that Regulus Black wouldn’t be caught in.

He wouldn’t let himself believe that James truly liked him, he never would. It’s about money. Really, this whole situation was cruel.

So there he lay, gazing longingly at the ceiling like it’s a major art piece. Following every paint mark, that hadn’t been smoothed over properly, with his eyes. 

This was a fucking awful idea, now he needed the ceiling to be smooth. How was he supposed to sleep at night now that he knew the upside down floor above his head had paint brush marks?

He rolled over to his side, picking a new victim to piece apart with his eyes and later decide he needed rid because something minor was wrong with it. This is why he didn’t look in mirrors often. Well, not anymore at least, he was a bit vain before. Now if he were to look long enough, he’d be gone before he even had the chance to consult Sirius that their agreement had ended.

Sirius . He was surprised Sirius hadn’t come into his room, speaking his sorrows, yet.
Part of Regulus was glad of it, the other childish sibling part was offended. You traumatise me with the presence of my friends and nearly break my nose and you're not automatically at my beck and call?

Of course he knew it wasn’t entirely his brother's fault, but he already had enough to blame himself for. So for now he’d just pretend this was Sirius’ doing.

From the corner of his eye, he saw his phone screen light up. Oh how he was sick of that blue light. He’d really ought to set it facing down in future.

He brought his eyes up to the ceiling again. Debating. Contemplating. Calculating. It was likely a message from Barty or Evan. Both of them had made a habit of texting nearly everyday. Regulus had tried to open the iMessage tab, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it…

Regulus scrunched his face up and grabbed the phone, bringing it to his face, with enough speed to ensure he didn’t have the time to change his mind.

You have new memories to look back on today.

—July 2021

He would have rathered a message from Barty or Evan.

He didn’t need a memory of when his life was perfect this time last year. And yet he still found himself clicking on the notification leading him to his photos app. Wherever it was out of curiosity or the willful need to remember if he was ever truly happy, he didn’t know. 

Straight away an image popped up of him. Standing at the top of a hill in Hampstead Heath. He had his sunglasses on, a massive grin plastered across his face, his hands were placed on his hips.
Evan must have taken the photo, when Regulus held his finger down on the photo, it sprung to life, he could hear the familiar laugh of Evan in the background. He remembered the heat being diabolical that day.

Regulus was 95% sure he had been watching Barty fight for his life behind the camera as he woefully climbed up the hill.

He flicked to the next slide, it was a picture of him and Sirius. It must have been taken on the same day, Regulus was wearing the same clothes - he wasn’t one to repeat his clothing choice frequently.They were posed together, in what seemed to be a shopping centre mirror. They were both pouting dramatically into the frame.

Another slide consisted of just Regulus, a selfie. In his bedroom. He was looking downwards at the camera with a smile. He wondered why he took that. Perhaps it was to show off his hair, it did look a lot more bouncier than usual. 

The next was of him and his two delinquent friends. They all looked so happy, so care-free. Their heads were all squished up against each other. Regulus wanted to text one of them and ask where they had been that day. The background didn’t look like one he had seen before.

He missed them.

What hurt Regulus the most wasn’t the fact of him looking so happy. Or being out the house. Or being with his friends, like he thought would be the case. It was that he couldn’t remember any of it happening. Sure, some parts were familiar. But he wasn’t able to recall every given moment like he would have been able to before . 

It was like he was viewing a stranger in his photos. He didn’t know this man that wore Regulus’ face. And he didn’t think he would ever know him again.

Since he was attacked, his mind had felt like mush. The inability to remember anything but the trauma and pain. It was like he hadn’t existed before it happened, his life stemmed from it. 

He placed his phone to his chest, biting his lip in a poor attempt to suppress his sadness. 

Why did it have to happen to him? What did he do to deserve it? Why? The questions would forever orbit his mind, he would never receive an answer and that pained him. He would never be the person in those photo’s again. Because of one night. 

Regulus had never been one to want things, his mother never would have allowed that. He got what he was given and that was that. But how he wished his list could be fulfilled. 

He’d believed in Santa Claus until he was nine, Sirius had always insisted Santa was real despite their cousin’s saying differently. Regulus was pretty sure Sirius had discovered the truth a lot earlier than he had but nevertheless, he kept it going purely for his little brother's happiness. 

He wished Santa was real. It was a pathetic thing to think, he knew it. But he often found himself resorting into a younger state of mind when he felt distressed.

He would give Santa his list and all his troubles would go away. He never did anything bad, he promised he didn’t.

He would wish to feel happy again, for his brother to be happy too. He would ask for his memory to be wiped. To have no recollection of what happened to him, to be able to go through life having no idea about the past few months.

For a few minutes, he imagined what it would be like if that was possible, to just wave a magic wand and forget. 

Maybe if he lived until December he could try.

He wanted his friends. To see them and tell them how sorry he is, that he didn’t mean any of it. 

Of course he felt like seeing his friends the time his face is black and blue from banging it on the edge of a staircase. But Regulus had never really had that much luck in life.

Regulus sighed heavily. He didn’t know what to do with himself.

“Reg?” Sirius’ voice made itself known from behind the crack of his bedroom door.

Regulus sighed again. “What?”

“Can I come in?” Honestly, he might as well have already been in, Regulus could see his eye peeking through.

“If you want.” Regulus made no attempt to move, starfished on the bed, staring at those horrifying rigids on the ceiling.

“Are you okay?” Sirius looked like a dog who’d come in with his tail between his legs after doing something bad.

“Peachy.”

“How is your face?”

It took Regulus a shameful amount of time to realise what he meant by that.

“It’s fine.”

Sirius nodded, debating what to say next. “I’m sorry.”

“I know.” He did know, Sirius just wanted to try but that didn’t mean Regulus wouldn’t make him work for it.

“Barty and Evan–” Sirius started.

“I don’t want to hear it.”

“Reg you can’t just ignore them forever.” Sirius said with a touch more defiance than moments ago.

“Well, considering my forever isn’t going to be that long, yes. Yes I can.” Regulus snapped. Four months now, he just needed to hang on for four months.

“What, you're just never going to speak to them again?” Sirius spat, clearly Regulus had sparked a newfound fury in him.

“I–”

“No, you’re never going to speak to those two boys who love you with their entire being? They have been worried about you for months! Regulus they have done nothing but blame themselves over what happened to you. How can you be so fucking ignorant?” 

“Well maybe it was their fucking fault.” Oh. This was something that Regulus hadn’t solved in his own mind yet. He didn’t know what he felt. There were so many things that could have prevented the attack, Barty and Evan would have played a role in the most crucial one. They left. They weren’t at the table when he got back.

Realistically, he knew it wasn’t their fault. But they left.

There were a few moments of silence.

“What? Is that what all of this is about? You don’t want to see them because you blame them?” Sirius didn’t sound angry anymore or accusatory, more curious, his words were gentle.

“Ye– no. I- I don’t know.” Regulus stuttered.

“Reg, I can see how you see it. But.. it wasn’t their fault. They–” It seemed that Sirius didn’t know how to word what he was trying to say, he sighed. “They didn’t know what would happen.”

“They left me.” Regulus said quietly. His mind replayed the moment he felt a shiver go down his spine when he returned to the booth table to only see the strangers. They had told him his friends were coming back in a few minutes. Naively, he believed them. 

“Reg. They waited for you outside, they texted to let you know, when there was no sign of you they searched the whole club. They didn’t leave .”

“I know. But if they’d just stayed at the table at least until I got back it wouldn’t have happened.” He heard his voice waver towards the end, he was surprised he’d kept it steady so far. 

“Is this why you haven’t wanted to see them?” Sirius asked again.

“It might be but there are other reasons. I know it wasn’t their fault but I can't..” He sighed, pushing the back of his head into the pillows.

“I understand.”

“You do?”

“I do.” 

There wasn’t much more that could be said.

At some point, Sirius had landed himself on the bed beside Regulus.

“Cissa is getting married.” Sirius broke the silence.

“What?”

“To that Malfoy bloke, next week. Apparently she sent the invite months ago, it must have gotten lost in the post or something. She messaged on facebook to check if we were coming.”

“Are we going?”

“Do you want to go?” 

Regulus did want to go. Growing up, Narcissa had been his favourite cousin. He loved her. “Who do you think will be there?” 

“Likely some family members.. Uncle Alphard probably. Maybe Andy.”

“I like Uncle Alphard.” Regulus spoke absent mindedly.

Sirius chuckled, “Me too.”

“I would like to go. As long as you come.”

He grinned, “Then we’ll go. Cissa said we could each bring a plus-one.” Sirius wiggled his eyebrows, “It will likely be a big wedding, fancy as fuck. You know what the family’s like.”

Regulus could sense Sirius’ anxiety through his smiles. He always did have a habit of pretending everything was alright even when it wasn’t. Regulus envied him for that. Whenever something was wrong with him, he made sure the world and its wife knew about it. 

Sirius was probably just excited to get Regulus out of the house, finally, so he would take whatever he could get. Even if it did include doing something he wasn’t.. fond of. Of course, seeing the family was a worry but as long as they had each other, it would be okay,

There was a lot to worry about. Regulus was only aware of half of it.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER FIFTEEN 

SIRIUS

He had most definitely been stressing over this wedding. And it wasn’t even his.

Sirius understood how much Regulus loved Narcissa, he wouldn’t want to miss her big day for the world and he certainly wouldn’t make him.

The issue wasn’t her, it was the potential guests that he had no desire for seeing, all the extended family, specifically the extended family that didn’t believe the abuse the two brothers had gone through. They were outcasted from the family for ‘falsely’ sending their mother to prison a few years ago. 

Although he was thankful for a few people, his father. Orion, he had fought to ensure Sirius and Regulus would have a positive future after all the bad. He himself had been his own victim to Walburga Black. 

Regulus had always loved his papa, he’d always be clinging onto him like a koala when he was little.

Uncle Alphard, he had been with them all the way through their darkest times. He held Sirius when he saw no way forward, when he didn’t think he’d be able to look after his brother, when the whole world was on his shoulders.

Every time Sirius saw no way out, Alphard gave him the courage he needed. 

Every year he sent christmas and birthday presents. Often there would be arrangements made to see him when they were younger, their father would be the one to make them. Walburga despised Alphard with everything in her, Sirius could never work out why, saying that he couldn’t work out why she hated her own children either.

Regulus had been a very difficult child, well difficult for their mother to deal with. He had never been the loud or boisterous kind, if anything he was the opposite. He was non verbal until he was fourteen, he was anxious all the time, very over sensitive to the smallest of things.

Originally, Alphard had been the person to flag that Regulus could be autistic, when he was five, though Walburga had none of it. She refused to acknowledge it and was dead set against getting a diagnosis. In her mind, as long as there wasn’t a title, then it wasn’t a real problem. 

Regulus’ frequent meltdowns were nothing but a nuisance to her, he was simply a ‘misbehaved’ child and deserved punishment for it. 

Regulus had adored Uncle Alphard when he was younger, he had been the only other person (besides Orion and Sirius) to be patient with him. He never forced Regulus to speak like everyone else seemed to. He was always there and even moved to London from France with them, when their father got custody.

Regulus would show him all his toys, in order of the colour of the rainbow - that he had somehow memorised. Not many adults would have hung around whilst a mute child did this, but Alphard did. He’d sit cross legged in his usual spot, on the bedroom floor and make a small comment about each toy Regulus would hand him.

Eventually, Orion went behind Walburga’s back to get Regulus assessed for autism when he was seven. As soon as it was confirmed, Sirius noticed him searching up on different websites, reading pamphlets on how to make things easier for autistic children. He tried to take every precaution he could for Regulus. Even Sirius got on the bandwagon, he started researching as well. 

Walburga made no attempt to change, her most newest abusive tactics were now put to work when Orion wasn’t in the house, she threatened Sirius into silence, saying she’d harm them both further if he spoke a word of it.

Unbeknownst to Sirius and Regulus, Orion had been fighting for full custody of them for years. Supposedly, there had been some technical issue that put it all on hold for a while. Something to do with the birth certificates and the laws.
When Sirius was thirteen, Regulus eleven, Orion was finally granted it. He packed them up and took them both straight away. Then the legal battle over Walburga’s abuse accusations began, that had been a hard time for everyone. 

The two brothers were retraumatised all over again with the police interviews and the countless proddings and pokings. To their relief, she was sentenced to fourteen years without parole.

Everything seemed to be looking up. 

They were away from their mother, Orion was doing all the activities he’d always wanted to do as a father with his kids, Alphard was around a lot more often, Sirius had never been happier.

Despite the positivity of the new life, Regulus had found it all very difficult to deal with. He wasn’t familiar with change. The first few months in their new house, had been spent with him curled up in a corner or a cupboard somewhere. Sirius came and sat with him every day and spoke about random things he’d read online. 

It did ease out soon enough. 

When Regulus began whispering for the first time, it had been the best day of Sirius’ life. He had never seen his father smile so much. They tried to act casual about him finally speaking, not wanting to make it a big deal in case it overwhelmed him, but it was rather hard to contain their excitement. 

Even now, Sirius sometimes felt a small wave of shock every time he heard his brother talking.

Sirius moved out around eight months ago, Regulus came with, of course. They moved into the house in Kensington, their father owned it and it was doing no good sitting there looking pretty. Orion encouraged them to have their own little bit of independence, he was very proud.

Orion went to New York on business after two months (January) of them living alone, he wanted to make sure they were both settled before leaving. 

Regulus had been attacked in March. And nobody in the family knew yet.

Sirius had been postponing the visits Uncle Alphard was supposed to be having with them, he really hoped it wasn’t too suspicious. If he took one look at Regulus, he’d know something had happened. But he couldn’t tell him until their father knew.

 It was a crucial thing to tell their father but it didn’t seem like something to casually drop over one of their weekly phone calls. So Sirius decided to wait until he was back in London, speak to him face to face. But slowly as the months went by, Sirius began to stress, guilt was gnawing at him like a rabid dog. If Regulus did end his life after the seven month agreement, Orion wouldn’t have much time left with him by the time he discovered the truth.

Regulus didn’t want him to know at all, so he pleaded with Sirius to never tell him but he knew that wasn’t reasonable. 

He wondered if their father would be angry with him for not telling him. Regulus was his son, afterall. He had full right to know.

So that’s why he planned to tell him after the wedding, he was flying over for it.

“Regulus! James is here!” Sirius shouted, “Thanks for coming. You are going to be a literal lifesaver today.”

“No problem, thanks for inviting me, I can finally wear my wedding suit to an actual wedding.” James grinned, giving his suit a little twirl.

“I think you look rather dapper Mister Potter.”

“Why thank you Monsieur Black, I could say the same about you.”

The two of them burst into laughter.

“Sirius!” Regulus bounced down the staircase as he was doing his shirt buttons up, “I can’t find my phone, have you seen it?”

“You left it on the sofa.” He replied.

Regulus paused for a few seconds at the sight of James, god Sirius hoped he didn’t think he was being subtle. 

“Hey Reg.” James smiled.

“Hi.” The difference in Regulus’ voice made Sirius’ eyes roll. He quickly darted to the living room to get his phone.

“How are we getting to the venue?” James asked as he readjusted his cufflinks.

Sirius pulled out his phone to double check his messages, “My dad’s going to drive us. Should be here soon.” 

James nodded, “You’ve never told me about him, is he a good one. Or noo..?” 

Sirius hadn’t spoken about him because whenever he thought of his father he was overcome with an awful sinking feeling of pure guilt. But James didn’t have to know that.

“Yeah he’s good. Love him to pieces.” Sirius smiled, “We haven’t seen him since January, he went on business to the US.”

“Ahh, that’s great. God, I can't imagine being away from my dad for that long, I'd throw a hissy fit.” James laughed.

“Almost did at the beginning.” He was interrupted by the doorbell.

“Will that be him?” James asked, smoothing out his hair.

Sirius felt himself freeze, “Uh no. That’s.. My plus-one.”  He walked forward to open the grand door, revealing a very pristinely dressed Remus Lupin. He looked beautiful. Like he had been carved by the gods themselves.

Suddenly Sirius was brought out of his haze.

“James?” Remus said, his eyes going wide.

“Remus?” James replied in the same manner.

“You know each other?” Sirius was sure he felt his heart sink, were they ex lovers?

“We sure do. This is my best friend!” James walked forward to throw an arm around Remus.

“Oh, oh wow.”

“James, you didn’t tell me you were working for this absolute hunk.” Remus stated bluntly, with a small grin.

“I can’t believe this is your knight in shining leather.” He laughed.

“Is that what I'm known as now? I was absolutely mortified to be wearing that outfit that day!” Sirius ran a hand over his face.

“Oh you shouldn’t be, Remus was practically ripping at the seams when he described you to me!” 

Remus was slowly going rather red.

Sirius felt overwhelmed by joy. It was something he couldn't quite explain. He hadn’t ever had this experience of friends before.

The doorbell rang again.

“Aha this should be the man himself..” Sirius opened the door, revealing a carbon copy of him. He instantly fell into a hug, soaking up all that he had missed in the past months, inhaling that dear scent of aftershave his father had used ever since he was small. 

“I’ve missed you too.” Orion spoke, reluctantly letting go. “And who’s this?” he motioned to the two men in the hallway.

Sirius practically jumped into action, eager for his father to meet the two people he’d gravitated to. “This is Remus, he’s my plus-one.” Remus gave a small smile.

Sirius wiggled his eyebrows, “And this is…” He felt that ecstaticness drain out of him almost as quickly as it had come, his hand was held up dully in James’ direction. How was he supposed to introduce James to him? He couldn’t tell him how they’d met.  

“James. This is James. He’s.. coming with us.”

Orion shook each of their hands firmly, “It’s a pleasure to meet you both.”

“You too.” James smiled.

“Regulus is just getting his–”

“My phone was not on the fucking sofa, Sirius. It was in the kitchen, where you moved it.” Regulus complained, strutting down the hall with his eyes glued to his phone screen.

“Now what’s that language for?” Orion smiled, tilting his head to the side.

Sirius watched his brother's face light up at the voice as he looked up from the phone.

“Papa!” Regulus ran into his fathers open arms, Sirius winced as they made contact. Hoping, praying, it didn’t trigger him in any way.

“How have you been?” He asked. The dreaded question.

“Good.” Regulus said, like it was the easiest response in the world. 

“Right, well. Let’s get going.” Sirius pulled on his blazer jacket, “Oh Reg, this is Remus.” he said, realising Regulus must have missed his presence when he ran to hug their father.

“Hi Regulus, I'm glad to have finally met you.” Remus smiled with another small wave.

Regulus suddenly went shy, only nodding in reply.

They all piled into the overly expensive Tesla, Remus and James looked as though they’d never seen such a luxury wagon. His dad had offered it to Sirius to drive while he was in New York but he didn’t trust himself not to crash it. That would just be his luck for something like that to happen to him.

Regulus sat in the front next to his dad, Sirius made sure of this to prevent any unexpected shoulder bumps from whoever might’ve sat next to him. 

Regulus had been surprisingly calm, he wasn’t going to risk the smallest thing setting him off.

REGULUS

The wedding venue was as exceptionally expensive as he thought it would be. The entrance to the church had floral decor trailing down the doorway, as did each of the outdoor windows. It looked very elegant, typically traditional.

“Are you feeling okay?” Sirius asked quietly.

“Yeah.” He thought so anyway, everything felt very tranquil, like the sea far out.

“Do you need your ear plugs? It’s a bit loud here.” He began reaching into his pocket.

“No, Sirius.” Regulus felt his cheeks go red, scouting around him to make sure nobody heard.

“Okay, okay. You tell me if you need a moment outside, alright?” 

“Fine.” He mumbled, he hated this. Feeling like he had to be babied by his older brother.

They took their seats, all together, near the back of the hall.

So far Regulus hadn’t recognised anybody there, most of the people he’d seen must have been a part of Lucius’ family.

Regulus looked up at the ceiling of the church, drowning out all the voices around him. The glass in the roof was stained, colours bursting on each panel. Some of the smaller panels put together resembled an abstract sort of flower.

“It’s pretty.” James whispered into his ear. 

Regulus looked at him strangely, not understanding what he meant.

James motioned to the ceiling, “The colours.”

“Oh, yeah. I like them.”

“What’s your favourite colour?” James asked.

“Green.” Regulus hummed, “What’s yours?”

“Red, it’s the colour of my football shirt.” He grinned. “Why’s green yours?” 

Regulus thought for a few moments. “It’s the colour of life.”

“That makes it your favourite?”

Regulus nodded.

“That’s lovely. Life is special, beautiful even. It’s not something you can waste. You only get one life,” James spoke, “It’s actually our duty to live it as fully as possible.”

Soon enough, everybody was seated. Regulus had finally begun to recognise some family members, none of which stopped to say hello. The majority of them had just given them dirty looks. It was to be expected really.

The organ sprung to life, signalling the peak of the wedding. The melody echoed throughout the church walls as the entrance doors reopened.

Regulus watched Narcissa walk the aisle, her arm linked with her father, Regulus’ uncle, Cygnus Black. Her blonde hair was professionally styled, the hair pins glimmered in her updo when the sun shone through the coloured panels. Her dress was a masterpiece of its own.

Flowers littered her neckline and bodice in various shades of white. Her veil trailed along behind her, perfectly placed on the carpeted aisle.

Regulus had admired Narcissa when he was a child. She had always been the one to protect him from Bellatrix’s cruel antics. She would read him bedtime stories when they stayed at her house.

Sirius on the other hand, had taken a closer liking to their cousin Andromeda. She had that rebellious streak in her, like Sirius. They bonded over that. Narcissa was always pretty, calm, collected, prim and proper. Everything Regulus wished to be.

The overall ceremony had been quite difficult to sit through. It was a lot longer than Regulus had expected and he found himself becoming very restless, before the vows had even been said. 

He did enjoy seeing Narcissa happy on her big day though.

The reception venue wasn’t far, within walking distance.  Regulus had been quite looking forward to this part, he’d hoped to speak his congratulations to Cissa at some point.

Everybody was assigned tables, Sirius took the piece of paper with their number on and began making his way over. Regulus, Remus, James and their father in tow.

Regulus took a few moments to examine the decor, confetti was placed in piles on each table, and he began to fiddle with it. Test it in his hands. It seemed to be the dissolvable kind, at least that's what the texture told him. Saving the environment and all that.

He watched Sirius engaging in an animated conversation with their father, James and Remus were laughing about something. 

Everyone was so happy. He felt out of place. As if he were interrupting something.

He went to look down at his hands but his eyes caught on something shiny.

A knife and fork were wrapped in baby pink tissue, a ribbon tied expertly around it. A knife and a fork. A knife and a fork that looked all too familiar. Too similar.  

No. He didn’t need to do this here. He couldn’t. 

Regulus quickly looked around the room, begging for his attention to be captured elsewhere. But there were just too many shiny knives and forks in the room. On every table. For every person. Surely there was someone in this room that wouldn’t hesitate to—

And he was back there again. A hand taunting him with a knife. Gliding it over his body. Threatening harm. Digging a shiny knife into his neck, his chest, his thighs, stomach, not hard enough to kill but certainly hard enough to bleed.

“Regulus?” Sirius shook his arm lightly.

“What?” He responded quietly, still not sure he was in the right place.

“Is everything–”

“I need air.” Regulus stood up abruptly, earning himself a look of concern from James and his father.

“I’ll come wit–”

“No. Alone.”

He rapidly pushed his way through the crowds of people standing around their chairs. Away from the knives.

He stood outside the venue. Welcoming the peace and quiet. 

Regulus inhaled the air deeply. Allowing it to cleanse the thoughts away.

How stupid could he have been? Of course there would be cutlery here. Why did he not think?

Perhaps coming hadn’t been the best idea. Narcissa was swarmed by all kinds of people, it was unlikely he’d even get to speak to her. He’d just have to remember to ask Sirius for her facebook, he lost her number when he got a new phone.

“Regulus?” A voice called, unsurely, from behind him.

He turned to face his Uncle Alphard. His Uncle’s face lit up at the confirmation that it was indeed, Regulus. He hoped he wouldn’t try to hug him, he wasn’t sure he could deal with that right now.

“I was hoping to see you here. I haven’t seen you in months!” He exclaimed, “How are you, Regulus?”

He didn’t know how his face looked but he hoped it wasn’t portraying what he was feeling. It took him an embarrassingly long amount of time to be able to reply, he often found it a struggle to speak to people he hadn’t seen in a long time. But Alphard didn’t rush him.

“I’m okay.” Regulus said quietly.

“Good, good.” Alphard smiled, “Is your brother here too?”

Regulus nodded again, “He’s inside with papa.”

“Did you need to get out for a bit?” He asked, “It’s awfully loud in there, isn’t it?” Alphard chuckled lightly.

“Yeah. There’s a lot of people.”

“Narcissa sure must be popular, I don’t even know this amount of people!” 

Regulus felt the corners of his mouth turn upwards, he hadn’t found anything funny, he was just.. feeling a fuzzy feeling.

“Reg?” James came into sight, exiting the venue. He felt Alphard look in the direction of the voice. “Hey, Sirius just wanted me to check everythings alright.” He gave a tight lipped smile. 

Regulus looked down, “Everything is fine.” He stated, bluntly.

“Alright, sorry for interrupting.” He smiled at Alphard.

His uncle waved his hand dismissively, “Nonsense!”

“You can go now.” Regulus rubbed the backs of his hands together.

“Sorry!” James laughed, “We’ll be sitting at the table, Reg.” 

Regulus watched him walk back inside.

“And who’s he then?” Alphard asked with a curious eye.

“Sirius brought him.”

“He what? ” 

Regulus didn’t know how he was supposed to explain who James was. Oh yeah, he’s the person Sirius is paying to be my friend. He probably could have worded Sirius buying him differently.

“I don’t know. Just turned up one day and can’t get rid of him.” There were certainly better ways to say it but for now he decided he’d go with this.

“I see a look in your eye.” Alphard grinned, taking an accusatory sip from his drink.

“What look?”

“You like him.”

“No.”

“I think you do, I know that look. I know you.”

“No.”

Alphard chuckled. Regulus felt his cheeks heating up.

“I should go back in now.” Regulus said, refusing to meet Alphards eye. Really, he’d not met his eye the entire time they’d been outside but now that he’d been so blatantly called out for his liking of James, it felt more noticeable. 

“I shall let you do that then.” He smiled, “I’ll come speak to you all in a bit?”

“Okay.”

Regulus walked towards the doorway, leading to the dining hall area. A wave fell over him again. The cutlery hadn’t gone anywhere. He would panic all over again. He couldn’t do it. 

So there he stood, awkwardly, by the door, contemplating the best way forward.

“Reggie is that you?” 

He saw his Aunt Druella heading over to him, his cousin Bellatrix by her side.

Regulus brought his eyes to his hands, feeling small and pathetic under their gaze.

“Aww I haven’t seen you in such a long time!” Bellatrix pinched his cheeks. She wore a manic smile. 

Regulus had certainly never been the most normal of the group but he did know that she was absolutely off her rocker. She ran her mouth more than anyone he’d ever known and asserted herself into anyone and everyone's business.

“Tell me, how have you been?” Aunt Druella questioned. 

“Fine.” Regulus managed to gather the courage to say.

“Speak up, boy. How can you expect us to have a conversation if I can't hear you?” Druella laughed fakely, “We weren’t sure whether to expect you or not. Afterall that happened.” 

Regulus stood, unsure of how he was meant to respond to that.

“Aww he’s still shy.” Bellatrix pouted.

“Ah yes.” His aunt looked him up and down, “Has your brother attended?”

Regulus nodded cautiously.

“Hm, thought as much. And Orion?”

He nodded again.

“Oh they do have some nerves. Showing their faces here after all they’ve done. They tore this family apart with their lies. It’s horrific, truly.” She spat.

“Oh I know!” Bellatrix piped up, “The cheek!”

“They didn’t lie.” Regulus said, timidly.

“Of course they did, darling. Your mother did no such thing.” Druella patted his cheek, “You’re not the same as normal people, Regulus. You wouldn’t understand. They’ve fed your mind full of lies.” She smiled patronisingly.

“They didn’t lie.” He repeated, more confidently now.

“Bless him!” Bellatrix laughed.

His aunt was just about to speak again, before Narcissa ran over, along with Uncle Cygnus.

“Regulus! I’m so glad you made it!” She smiled.

“Hi,” He offered quietly, too aware of the watchful eyes on him. He wanted to say congratulations but his voice felt stuck.

“We were just talking to Reggie here, the poor boy. He hardly knows anything!” Bellatrix spoke, as if he wasn’t there at all. 

“He knows a lot, Bella. Stop it.” Narcissa replied.

“Clearly nothing about his family.” Bella laughed again.

“Now, now Bellatrix.” Druella placed a hand on her shoulder, “Not now.”

“Maybe we all ought to head inside.” Uncle Cygnus spoke.

“What, we don't think little Reggie should know the truth? And realise all the lies his brother and Orion feed him?” She exclaimed.

“Stop it.” Narcissa insisted.

Alphard walked through the doorway, seemingly on his way back to the dining hall just like Regulus had been before his crisis had been so rudely interrupted.

“And here's another liar!” Bellatrix pointed.

“Bellatrix.” Narcissa warned.

Regulus felt angry. Were they trying to tell him that the abuse he had endured for years at his mothers hands, simply wasn't real? Because they said so? Because they were determined to make Sirius and papa the villain? 
He looked towards Alphard, there was something in his eyes. Something Regulus couldn’t quite work out. Was it anger? Worry?

Regulus wasn’t sure what to say, or how to act. He wasn’t used to whatever this was, he tried to walk into the dining hall, desperate to escape all the eyes that were on him. The eyes that all seemed to know something he didn’t. 

Bellatrix pulled his arm roughly, “Were having a conversation. You don’t walk away.” 

Touch. Being dragged around, pulled, prodded, like he was some sort of doll once again. He was beginning to panic. He felt his lungs closing in on themselves. 

“Bellatrix.” Druella warned.

“Don’t touch him, Bellatrix.” Alphard spoke firmly, coming closer to pull her hand off of Regulus.

“Aww what, is daddy coming to save the day?” she smiled wickedly.

“That’s enough.” Uncle Cygnus pulled Bellatrix backwards.

Suddenly, it was silent. Everyone's faces were solemn. 

Narcissa was looking at him with worry. Druella’s eyes were wider than usual. Alphard’s eyes were downcasted to the floor.

For a few seconds, Regulus had worried he’d done something wrong, somehow.

He looked around, hoping to realise what the issue was. 

But nobody would meet his eye.

He must have missed something.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

SIRIUS

Sirius took a sip of his champagne, there were waiters everywhere with free drinks, he wasn’t going to let that go to waste.

He led his father out onto one of the balconies of the venue, he knew he had to do this sooner rather than later. Regulus had slowly grown more and more agitated, a breakdown was upon the horizon. If Orion saw, there would be no more hiding. Sirius didn’t want their father to think that he was only planning on telling him about the attack when he had absolutely no other choice but to.

It was best he knew before he saw Regulus have a panic attack. 

As soon as Regulus came back from wherever he had gone for air, Sirius was going to take him home. He’d underestimated the amount of people that would be making an appearance. Things definitely were getting too much. For them both.

“There’s something I need to tell you.” Sirius’ voice was low, I was planning on telling you after the wedding but I’m not sure it can wait.” 

It really couldn’t wait, with every aching moment he felt more shame crawling up his spine. It was easier to hide the truth when his father wasn’t standing in the same room as him.

His father’s face shifted from a look of confusion to worry.

“What’s happened?” He asked slowly.

Sirius opened his mouth and closed it a few times. How was he supposed to say this?

“Regulus–” He hesitated. “People hurt him.” He looked away.

“What? What do you mean? Who? How?” Orion’s voice was the slightest bit frantic.

“These– These guys attacked him on a night out a few months back.” He started, “It’s been so bad. Everything has been so bad. I should have told you, I know. But I thought it would be best to wait.. It wasn’t. Dad, he tried to kill himself.” Sirius choked.

Orion stood, dumbfounded. “Oh, Sirius.” He ran a hand over his face harshly.

“He hasn’t been out of the house properly since it happened, today was bound to be difficult. I’m worried something is going to set him off, I just– wanted you to know before you saw it happen. I didn’t– I just thought- I don’t know.” He sniffed, rambling over his own words. 

His father kept a hand over his face, breathing deeply. “I need you to tell me everything later.”

“I will.”

The next minutes were spent in silence. Each of them were processing the past few moments.

“We should get back to the table.” Orion spoke.

“Yeah. Yeah, Okay.” 

When they returned, it seemed that Remus and James were in a world of their own. Laughing and joking. Sirius smiled. There was no sign of his brother yet.

REGULUS

“I don’t understand.” Regulus said, finally, after still not being able to figure out what all the silence was about. He hated admitting he didn’t understand, people always looked at him with pity. Like he was stupid.

Bellatrix laughed, cackling towards the end, like a deranged witch.

“Aww Reggie. You never do, do you?” She smirked.

He rubbed the back of his hands together, begging to be told what had happened in simple terms.

Narcissa looked like she wanted to say something.

“Regulus let’s go outside.” Alphard said quietly.

“What? So you don’t have to admit your lies?” Bellatrix forced an expression of confusion. She took a step forward. “Tell me. When were you expecting to tell little Reggie here, that you are his daddy?” 

“You are stopping this right now.” Uncle Cygnus shouted, his composure long gone as he dragged his daughter to a further distance.

Regulus looked around, confused. He looked at Narcissa, who seemed to have had her colour drained from her face.

Alphard was equally as pale.

He knew Orion and Alphard looked alike but he didn’t think it called for this level of stupidity. Bellatrix had always been crazy and thought Regulus was dumb but she was mistaken if she thought he would fall for something as silly as this. 

He wanted to tell Alphard that he wouldn’t believe that, he had nothing to worry about. He knew what Bella was like. She always needed to create some sort of problem.

“Regulus, It was never supposed to– She wasn’t meant to–” Alphard stuttered, he ran a hand through his hair, his eyes looking everywhere but Regulus.

Regulus knew how to recognise anxious reactions.

What? 

“Regulus, come.” Narcissa held her arm out, “Let’s go see Sirius.”

Regulus found himself moving away from her touch. Away from them. 

“Regulus it’s okay. We’ll go to Sirius.” Narcissa sounded panicked.

He didn’t know what he was feeling, his breathing was getting heavier. Harder to do. There must be a mistake of some sort. But he knew he had to go. He didn’t have time to see Sirius. He needed to leave. 

Regulus ran out of the door without a glance back.

SIRIUS

He had just been debating going to find Regulus himself as he took a bite from his cake. It tasted as expensive as it looked. He didn’t want to be there but this food was truly making him live the dream. Pretty sure he was on fifths now.

“Sirius!” Narcissa called, holding her dress up as she got closer to the buffet table. He saw her waving off any guests who tried to get in her way.

“Cissa? You alright?” Sirius turned to greet her.

“No. No, you have to go to Regulus. He ran away, he–” She looked at him, frantically. “Bella– she said.. Some things. Where is Orion?”

He sighed, frustrated. He couldn’t understand why Bellatrix had always had a fucking problem with his little brother.

“He just went to the bathroom.” He replied quickly. “Which way did Reg go?”

“I’ll show you.” 

They walked to the exit and Narcissa pointed to the gates on the left of the garden.

“That direction.”

“Cool, alright, I’ll see you around. Sorry we had to go like this–”

“No, Sirius, wait.” She sighed, holding onto his arm. 

“Orion isn’t his dad.”

“What? What are you talking about? Of course he is.” He chuckled, his eyebrows frowned. “He’s a spitting image of him.”

“It’s not Orion he’s the spitting image of, Sirius. It’s Alphard.” She answered, lowly.

Sirius shook his head, closing his eyes. “Where have you gotten this information from?” He asked ludicrously.

“We’ve known for years..”

“Who the fuck is we? Who else knows?” Sirius felt furious.

There was no way this was true. Surely not.

“Everyone knows. Orion knows, my mother and father, Bella, Andy–” She listed.

“Does Alphard know?” He asked, still not entirely believing the surreal information. Cruelly, he hoped Alphard didn’t know. He didn’t think he could cope knowing he did and never told his own child.

“He does.” Narcissa replied quietly.

“Are you taking the fucking piss, Narcissa?” He covered his mouth, allowing himself to consider the realism of this all. Narcissa wasn’t one to lie, especially not about something like this. 

“It’s true. Bellatrix.. She told him. Not kindly, either.”

“Did he believe it?” He couldn't imagine Regulus believing anything that came out of her mouth.

“I don’t think so, not until Alphard kind of confirmed it.”

“Alphard was there?” He asked quickly, the situation was seeming worse and worse.

“He was.”

“Fuck.” He rubbed at his face, snapping back into action, “I need to find Reg.” Sirius ran towards the gates, looking around at all the different streets to walk down. He had no idea which one his brother would have taken. He began walking the one straight ahead, it seemed reasonable in his head.

Sirius pulled out his phone, pressing Regulus’ name on his call list. 

There was no answer.

“Fuck.” He muttered under his breath. 

It hadn’t all sunk in properly yet. 

Was this something that would ever just sink in?

As he walked, he allowed himself to think over the years.

Were there ever any clues? Any holes in the story?

Why would Alphard not say anything?

Alphard was always around, ever since they were toddlers. 

Walburga was a powerful woman, she hated Alphard, she could have easily kicked him out of her own life. Unless. Seeing Regulus was something unnegotiable, whether that be by law or moral.

Alphard was always there.

He was always patient with Regulus. Always spent a lot of time with him. He turned up every weekend without fail.

He took the time out of his days to research his son's struggles, to figure out what was wrong. To make things easier for Regulus.

He moved from France to London with them. He gave up his entire life in France just to ensure he stayed with his son? The son he didn’t tell was his son.

The custody had taken longer to be granted because of an issue with the birth certificates. 

Who’s name was on Regulus’ birth certificate?

Orion or Alphard?

If it was Alphard, did this make it harder to gain custody for Orion?

Sirius did the calculations in his head, Alphard would have been seventeen when Regulus was born.

He was underage and his mother wasn’t.

Maybe this had something to do with keeping it quiet? Or the fact she’d been unfaithful to her partner, with someone else. The partner's underage brother being the one in question.

How did Orion take it? At what point did he find out?

How could Orion not say anything?

Sirius couldn’t imagine raising someone else’s kid as his own, knowing it's a lie. But he treated them both equally, there was never any favouritism between Regulus and Sirius. He treated him like his own. 

How could you listen to your son call your brother papa and not want to speak the truth??

It was evident he loved Regulus. He did everything he could for him.

It must have killed Alphard to see his child believe someone else is his dad.

Why? How?

How the fuck could you not say anything?

Sirius just couldn’t grasp it. There was no plausible answer to that.

And everyone knew.

Everyone around them knew. 

Everyone watched them, laughing behind Regulus’ back.

What would things be like now? 

Knowing Regulus, it wasn’t likely he’d want to have anything to do with either of them. He’d probably want to cut off the whole family, entirely.

A buzz came from his pocket, his heart jumped in hope of it being Regulus.

Dad

Was in bold letters on his phone screen. 

Sirius hesitated over the answer button, what could he even say to him right now?

He sighed heavily.

“Sirius?” His fathers voice spoke down the line, it didn’t sound like he was inside the hall anymore.

“How could you do this?” 

The phone was quiet for a few moments.

“I can explain.. It’s a long story, Sirius.. I’m sorry.”

“This isn’t something you can just apologise for. The fuck do you think this is? You’ve lied to him his whole life. How could you?” Sirius snapped, walking past two elderly ladies who gave him a dirty look. He didn’t have the time to worry about them right now.

“He was never meant to find out this way.”

“By the fucking looks of it, he wasn’t ever meant to find out.” He spat.

“Sirius, please. It’s not as cut and dry as–”

“Your own brother.” Sirius laughed cruelly, “Regulus doesn’t need this right now. I don’t fucking need this right now.” He hung up the phone.

Regulus really didn’t need this right now. 

Sirius couldn’t risk him spiralling again. He didn’t know what he might do to himself.. 

Chapter Text

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

JAMES

It had been six days since the awful encounter at the wedding.

James had been bashing his mind, wishing he’d kept a closer eye on what was going on around him, he’d been too caught up in the excitement that Remus was there.

They’d been going over conversations, wondering how they hadn’t figured out that they had been talking about the same person. When Sirius had left the table, they used this time to act like school kids about their first crush. 

James hadn't been paying attention to the one person he was supposed to be supporting. He should have stayed outside with Regulus and made sure nothing bad happened. 

There had been little to no contact. 

Sirius’ replies to his messages had been sparse, if at all.
Their visits had been temporarily stopped, though he was still being paid. James had no idea how he was meant to help, he wasn’t even sure if he was meant to, this was a family matter after all.

Yet, James continued to remind himself that it was his job to be supporting them, especially through a time like this, although he couldn’t just assert himself somewhere he didn’t belong.

A few times a thought crossed his mind to just turn up at the house, force Sirius to acknowledge his presence and let him help, but that would only cause Regulus further distress.

James tried to put himself into Regulus’ shoes. But he just couldn’t imagine discovering that the person who raised you all your life isn’t actually your father.
There was an undeniable love and happiness in Regulus’ face when Orion showed up to take them to the wedding, he wasn’t sure he had ever seen Regulus light up like that (though the piano show had been a close contender).

He must be distraught. This was the last thing he needed.

James looked up from his coffee cup, realising he had zoned out. 

“Here, got you some sugar.” Remus handed him a few small white packets as he took a seat opposite.

“Thanks.” 

With their last coffee shop hangout place having closed down, they had to resort to the Costa just down the road. The coffee wasn’t bad per se, it was more the environment. There was no community vibe, no one spoke to each other, or smiled, most just grunted at the workers and left. The workers also had a wonderful way of making sure you felt like a burden.

This is why James had always adored the small business coffee house, it attracted the right type of people.

“Has he messaged at all?” He heard himself asking.

“Nope, the only reply I've had is him saying everythings fine, four days ago.” Remus sighed. “How’d you think they’re coping?”

“They aren’t.” James mumbled.

Remus nodded, bringing his coffee to his mouth.

“I miss him.” 

“Regulus?” Remus asked.

“Yeah.”

He hummed with a smile, “I miss Sirius as well.”

It was true. James truly felt he had been aching inside. He couldn’t make out if it was from the guilt or just because he couldn’t see Regulus. It had been barely six days and felt as if he was having withdrawal symptoms.

“I see it now.” Remus spoke quietly, with a small smile.

James raised an eyebrow was a questioning gaze.

“I knew Regulus did, but I wasn't all that sure about you. I feel like smacking myself for not seeing it sooner.” He chuckled.

“What are you talking about?”

“Regulus. You’re usually quite loud about your love for people but you’ve kept it quiet, for him. I suppose that’s what threw me off.” Remus smirked.

“What?” James shook his head, “I don’t– He doesn’t–”

Now it was Remus’ turn to raise an eyebrow.

“Well, what does it matter? It’s never going to happen.” He stated defensively, bringing his eyes back down to his coffee cup, his hands were cradling it.

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes, Remus I am sure. He’s been through a rough time, not to mention what's happening now. I can’t just suddenly fling myself at him.” James replied smally.

“Maybe not fling.. But I think he could do with some extra love. Maybe not the physical stuff anytime soon, but mentally, knowing he has you, your love and commitment. That could help him, you know?” Remus spoke, “What I'm saying is, you’re the best person for him.”

“Do you really think so?”

“I do. And he definitely has a crush on you.” He grinned.

“A crush? What are we, thirteen?” James laughed, “How did you even get that impression?”

“He’s not very subtle, James. But you have always been the oblivious type, you’ll see it if you look.”

It was late evening when he returned home, the house was dark, both his parents were likely in bed.

He walked to the kitchen, his attention was caught by a note left out from his mum, telling him she made him food.

He smiled to himself as he pulled the small container out of the microwave. He decided he’d eat it cold, not wishing to wake anyone up with the sound of the microwave, it was surprisingly loud.

James settled down on the couch as he pulled his phone out, taking a bite from the food with the other hand. He scrolled through his instagram, absentmindedly before someone began calling him.

Sirius Black

He answered on the first ring.

“Hey, is everything alright?” James asked as soon as he pressed accept. He could hear Sirius’ breathing, it was heavy.

“No, no, James. Nothing is alright. I don’t know what to do for him.” Sirius sobbed down the phone.

“What’s happened?” He questioned, his heart was going a mile a minute, he tried to keep his voice steady.

“Regulus. He– Please. Please come over. I know it’s late, I'm sorry. Please.” Sirius begged, he fumbled and tripped over his words.

“I’ll be right there.”

James called an Uber, typing 12 Grimmauld Place into the destination box. The train would have taken far too long to get him there.

He arrived at the house, shutting the gate behind him so quickly it reopened. The front door opened before he even had the chance to press the intercom. Sirius shuffled out of the doorway, signalling for James to come in, shutting the door behind them.

Sirius’ eyes were red and puffy, it told him all he needed to know.

“Come here.” James held his arms out, allowing Sirius to fall into him. He could feel him lean further in, experiencing the physical relief of having someone hold him, someone to finally look after Sirius and it not be the other way around.

They stayed like that for a few long minutes, James muttering quiet reassurances in his ear, Sirius’ sobs were muffled against his jacket. 

Eventually he let go, wiping tiredly at his face. Sirius looked as if he hadn’t slept in days. He probably hadn’t.

“He wont let me come anywhere near him or his room. I don’t know what he might try and do, James.”

“Can I go up?” He asked.

“You can try.” Sirius muttered.

James walked the staircase, the last time he’d been walking up these stairs was the evening he had been taking Regulus to the piano show. The anxiety he had felt climbing the stairs then had been far different than the current type.

He walked towards the door he had been waiting in front of on that night. He noticed how it was slightly ajar, there was a dim light coming from inside

He knocked lightly.

As expected, there was no response, he knocked again.

“Regulus?” James called out, listening carefully to any sign of movement. 

There was no response. 

He edged the door open, slowly revealing Regulus’ room.

James had never been inside it before, only outside. It was very.. Regulus. His double bed resided in the corner of the room, bookshelves covered one side of the wall, every shelf was piled with books, a desk was opposite. Everything was neat, carefully laid out. The books were arranged in colour order, now that he looked again. There were a few polaroids hung up above the desk, James couldn’t make out what they were of.

There was no sign of Regulus in the room, he looked around the room again, his eyes caught on another door, not fully closed. He nudged it open a little bit, unsure if Regulus would be inside - what he assumed to be a walk-in wardrobe - the lights inside were off.

He was just about to close the door when his eyes suddenly stopped him. There was the faintest outline of a figure in the corner of the small room.

“Reg?” He spoke quietly, opening the door all the way, allowing the light from the bedroom to enter. Regulus’ person was now visible, he was curled in on himself on the floor.

“Hey, you.” James knelt down, at a safe distance away. Regulus’ face was hidden in his knees, his hands were deep rooted through the strands of his curls. James hoped he wasn’t tugging on his hair.

Surprisingly, his presence didn’t seem to strike any sort of reaction from Regulus. After all, it wasn’t planned for him to be there. For a moment, James thought he might have fallen asleep in this position until Regulus silently adjusted his legs more tightly in on himself.

“I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now.” James sighed, “I’m not going to pretend everything's okay, I know it’s not. But it will be.”

Regulus sniffed harshly, the only signal that he’d been listening.

Silence followed.

“Would you like to talk about it? About.. Them.” James asked. He wasn’t quite sure what to address the father situation as.

Regulus shook his head quickly, almost violently.

“That’s fine. We don’t have to. I wasn’t sure if it might help or not.” He smiled.

“Nothing is going to help.” Regulus muttered into his knees.

James sighed, “You can’t say that, Reg.”

“Yes, I can.”

“Alright.” James didn’t want to have to argue with him right now, it wouldn’t do anyone any good.

“Just leave, James.” Regulus lifted his head up, his eyes remained downwards. He looked just how Sirius had.

“I’m not leaving you, not now. And Sirius, he–”

“Shut up! Shut up!” Regulus shouted, covering his ears as if to protect himself from his own voice, “Leave! I don’t want either of you here!” Regulus swiftly jumped up from his place on the floor, running into the bedroom.

James followed him, “Reg, you can’t push the people, who care about you the most, away.” He said, crossing his arms against his chest as he watched Regulus pace aimlessly around the room. James just wanted to reach out and hold him, like he had with Sirius. 

Regulus made a few sounds of distress, he wasn’t sure if he was trying to say something, he sounded in pain. James could see his eyes going glassy, tears were forming along his eyeline.

“Reg?” He tried.

“No!” He wailed, continuing to walk around the room. James wasn’t sure what he could do. He analysed the situation, it seemed that Regulus didn’t know how to express what he was feeling, he was getting frustrated at himself.

“Reg, can you tell me how you’re feeling?”

Regulus didn’t acknowledge him.

“Regulus. Come on, name me something you’re feeling.”

Regulus hesitated, “I’m angry.” Tears were falling down his cheeks now.

“Why are you angry?” He asked. James knew this was a stupid question to ask, he knew why he was angry. But he needed to hear Regulus say it.

“Because.” He rubbed the backs of his hands together as he walked to the other side of the room. “Because of Sirius and you’re here.”

“Why are you angry at Sirius?” James asked calmly.

“Because he doesn’t..” Regulus made another strangled sound. “He won’t go away. You won’t go away.”

“Why do you want us to go away?”

“Because you make me angry.”

James chuckled, “Fair enough. What else is making you angry?”

Regulus stopped pacing, staring out of his bedroom window. His lip was captured harshly between his teeth. “People.”

“Why have people made you feel angry?”

Regulus rubbed his tears away, only for them to be replaced by more. “They hurt me. And they don’t tell me the truth.” Regulus went on, “They make me feel dirty. They make my every thought be consumed by them. They treat me like im stupid. They make me bad.” Regulus closed his eyes, inhaling slowly. “I want to be normal.”

“You don’t think you’re normal?” 

“How can I be? Look at me. Even before I was hurt, I wasn't normal. Now I'm just a disaster. A ship waiting to sink.” He muttered sadly.

“Reg, there is no such thing as normal. Nobody is normal. You are not a disaster. I know people have made you think differently. And I know people have hurt you but you have to listen to me Reg.” James took a few steps forward until he was standing in front of Regulus, he held both his hands out, gathering Regulus’ inside of his. “Everything is going to be okay. I promise.”

“But I want it to be okay now.” Regulus’ voice wavered, he sounded like a small child. A scared child.

“You need to let us be there for you. And I'm not saying you’re incapable, but things will be a lot easier if you allow us to help.” James said, “Sirius loves you so much.”

More tears fell, “I know.” Regulus choked. “I don’t know why I'm like this.” He pulled his hands away from James to cover his face. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Reg.”

Regulus hummed, defeatedly.

Sirius appeared at the bedroom door, he looked uneasy. Cautious. His hands were in his pockets. James motioned for him to come in. Regulus kept his eyes on the floor as Sirius entered.

“Hey.” Sirius offered, his eyes were searching his brother, “Just wanted to check everythings good.”

“Yeah, we’ve made some progress.” He smiled, “Managed to get Regulus out of the closet.” James realised what he had just said then, he hoped his face wasn’t as red as it felt.

He saw the two brothers give each other a look. 

And there was laughter. From both of them.

Regulus laughed quietly, his cheeks pinkening. Sirius only laughed harder at Regulus. James felt himself laughing. 

SIRIUS

He offered James the guest room for the night, considering how late it was. He graciously accepted. 

Sirius brought him some of his own clothes for him to sleep in.

“Thanks, mate. Can’t believe I get to sleep in the Sirius Black's silk pyjama shirt.” He grinned.

“A privilege not many get to experience.” Sirius bowed dramatically, earning himself a laugh. “Really, thank you for coming over and helping him calm down.”

“It’s no issue. You know you can call me any time, I'll be here. I promised you that.”

He nodded, god he couldn’t even find the words to explain how thankful he was for James Potter.

“What happened earlier?” James asked. “If you don’t mind–”

“It’s fine.” He waved him off, “He’s been refusing to speak for days. And today we ended up getting into a screaming match, you should see the living room. He threw untold books at me.” He chuckled lightly, “Our- Dad, he’s been trying to talk to us, trying to come over. Alphard too. I told them I couldn't push Regulus. I’m fucking fuming at them.”

James shook his head, “Has Regulus said anything at all? About it?”

“No, I brang it up today and that's what started our fight. He’s hurt. So hurt.” Sirius ran a hand through his hair.

“Do you want to talk about it?” James questioned.

Sirius thought for a moment. “Yeah, I do.”

“Then talk to me. Get whatever you need off your chest.”

Sirius nodded slowly. “I’m angry. At them both, for lying. I just can’t get my head around it. How could they?”

“Was Alphard not around?”

“No, no. He was. He was always there. That’s the thing. I would have partially understood if he hadn’t been around, even if he didn’t want anything to do with having a kid. He was young then. But he was there. He was involved all the time, so why didn’t he say anything?” Sirius hissed.

“Maybe it just got harder to say anything as the time went by. I mean, I'm guessing telling Regulus wouldn’t have been an option when your mother was around? By the time you had all settled away from her, the time might not have been right? It’s no excuse, of course not. But it’s a possibility.” James reasoned.

He rubbed his eyes, “They still needed to say something. This isn’t fair.” Sirius muttered.

“I know.” He agreed quietly.

“Of all the fucking times this could of happened.” Sirius laughed humorlessly.

“Do they know?” 

“Know what?”

“About the trauma Regulus had been through?” 

Sirius looked away shamefully. He’d been beating himself up over not telling Orion for months

“Dad found out just before it all kicked off at the wedding. I didn’t want to tell him over the phone.” 

James nodded, “What happened to him?” He asked gently.

Sirius opened and closed his mouth. A part of him wanted to tell James, wanted to get the world and its wife off of his chest. He knew James had probably been itching to ask for a long time. But it wouldn’t be right. Not unless Regulus was okay with it. 

“I can’t tell you, it’s.. Private. If Reg feels okay letting you know then-”

“I understand, don’t worry.” James smiled.

“Thank you.” Sirius stood up from the bed, “I’ll let you get your beauty sleep.” He grinned, “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Sirius.” 

Chapter Text

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN 

ALPHARD

Alphard was Sixteen when he discovered he was going to be a father. There was so much going on, he didn’t know how to feel. Panic had been an understatement.

He could only briefly remember what happened with Walburga, that night they spent together. He had felt like he was drunk but he couldn’t have been, he’d only had two drinks at the bar.

 He woke up in a foreign bed, his clothes piled on the floor, he had absolutely no recollection of taking them off. Walburga was dressed and leaving the room with her nose in the air - slamming the door behind her. 

He’d nearly been banging his head off walls trying to remember what had happened. He had only been young at the time, he’d never had sex before, he wasn’t sure if it just happened like this. Did people often forget? Did they just wake up in other people's beds? He didn’t know what to think.

Things had gotten so bad mentally, he’d ended up making himself so ill he couldn’t function. Eventually his parents noticed something was wrong, he had stopped showing up to college and the attendance officer had begun calling home about his absences. 

His stress turned into anger, he started acting out, arguing, fighting, everything he had never done before. The arguments with his parents had gotten bad.

His mother, Melania, had insisted he went to see a physiatrist, she couldn’t understand what had caused such a sudden change in her son and Alphard refused to tell her. 

His father, Arcturus, had taken a more subtle approach. One day, he pulled Alphard aside and gently tried to coax the desired information out of him. Arcturus kept calm when the shouting started, when the ornaments went flying. The lack of reaction had only made Alphard angrier. 

He saw a lot of himself in his father.

His brother showed up at the house during that week, it wasn’t necessarily out of the ordinary, he had regularly been visiting home since he had moved out. But something felt different about this visit, though the uneasiness was likely one-sided.
Alphard had been avoiding Orion like the plague, any call or text went unanswered. 

He was overcome with guilt. Shame. He couldn’t meet his eye.

Either his mother or father had called him over to figure out what was wrong, Orion was their last option. They had always been close as children, though they had naturally drifted when he moved out.

But at the end of the day, they were brothers. Always had been. Always would be.

Alphard completely fell apart that night. He told his brother everything that had happened, everything he had been feeling, his confusion, the pain. Orion didn’t speak, just held him and let him get everything off his chest. 

His biggest fear had been Orion not believing him. 

Afterall, these things didn’t happen to boys .

His brother helped him realise what had happened. That it hadn’t been sex. Although it still took him a while to admit it to himself, it wasn’t something that was easy to say.

Over the years, he joined support groups and came to terms with the assault. He learnt that he wasn’t crazy for what he was feeling. He made peace with himself. Of course it hadn’t been easy but he had the help and support he needed. 

Walburga had never planned on telling him that she was pregnant with his child. It was Orion that had worked it all out. As expected, Walburga denied it. She denied everything. She made Alphard out to be mental. But she couldn’t refuse a DNA test.

He was seventeen when Orion called him to tell him Walburga was in labor.

Alphard made sure to be at the hospital when Regulus was born, he patiently waited outside to hear any news of the new baby.
As soon as he sat down, reality hit him. He was about to be a dad. It was surreal. It was hard to figure if he was excited or terrified. 

As he stared at the posters of babies on the beige walls, he began to worry about all the things that could go wrong in childbirth. He was an anxious mess when the delivery room door opened.

When Orion handed him a small bundle of blue blankets, he had never felt such an emotion. It was too strong to be such a simple thing. The only word that could possibly do that moment justice, was love. 

Originally, he’d been so worried he would feel nothing for Regulus, considering the circumstances. Oh how he had been so wrong.

He was such a beautiful baby. 

Alphard sat alone with Regulus when he was in his hospital baby cot, he placed a small, blue, cotton baby hat on his head. He spoke to him for hours, in the dimly lit room, he held his tiny hand in his own.  

Three weeks after Regulus was born, Alphard went to the registry office - along with Orion and Walburga - to receive the birth certificate. He had to mentally prepare himself in the train station toilets for an hour beforehand. It never got any easier, seeing his attacker.

Walburga had been thoroughly against him being named as the father but since the DNA test had proven he was worthy of the title, there would be no chance of her winning if Alphard took her to court over it.

Orion had been more than supportive with everything. Arranged dates for him to visit Regulus (and Sirius, they came as a package deal really), making sure he was involved throughout Regulus’ growing up, everything. He would forever be grateful.

It had been made strictly forbidden that Regulus was to never find out who his father was. It was Walburga who made this rule. Alphard wasn’t sure how he felt about it.

Realistically, he knew it would cause nothing but issues in the social circle. Reputation had always been a very big thing with the Black’s. If anyone were to find out that Walburga had her husband's underage brother's baby, they would be outcasted like they were scum. 

He understood, he did. But he wanted Regulus to know. He wanted to be a father. 

Regulus had always been a bit different, Alphard noticed it during the early years. He never spoke, he was fascinated by the smallest of things, he hardly ever cried, he had his little hand movements that he did when he was excited or upset, he was so anxious all the time. 

One night, he did a load of research, trying to find out what it was that made him like this, something that could help ease him. All the arrows pointed to autism. He spoke about it to Orion the next day.

Perhaps it was because of his age, Alphard was able to relate to Regulus on a different level than Orion did. He just understood Regulus’ ways. He knew what to do, how to act with him. Maybe it was just his paternal instinct.

As Regulus got older, the traits of autism became more and more prominent. His struggles got harder. He was still unable to speak to anyone. Stupidly, Alphard blamed himself. He wondered if somehow it had something to do with how Regulus was conceived, if it was his own fault. 

It wasn’t, there would have been no possibility that this was true but he still wished he knew if things would have been different.

When Regulus was diagnosed, it was like a massive weight lifted off everyone's shoulders. It all got so much easier, they knew how to help him, how to make things easier. They were able to recognise meltdowns, that they weren’t just Regulus acting up, he was struggling with something.

When Orion was granted custody of the two boys, life had never been better. They all moved to London together, Walburga-free. 

It was a long awaited new chapter.

Alphard and Orion sat down one night, in the garden of 12 Grimmauld Place. They spoke about telling Regulus who his father was, now that they were away from the social circle and Walburga. They were free from criticism. And now felt like the best time to tell him.

They knew they couldn’t afford to wait any longer, it would only get harder over the years. 

They made a plan. A plan that would allow Regulus to have some time to adjust to the new information. They wanted to break it to him as easily and gently as possible. 

Regulus had a meltdown the day they were meant to break the news. He had been bottling up all his feelings he’d had since they moved to London. It had gotten too much and they all came out at once. So much change had been difficult for him to deal with.

It took a lot of hugs, reassurance and rainbow teddy bears.

Even when the meltdown was over, Regulus was still uneasy. 

Orion and Alphard both knew this wasn’t a good time to say anything. It could make things a thousand times worse. They had to wait for him to settle.

But as time went on, the right moment never came. 

Orion called him up one night, his happiness was practically radiating down the phone. He told him that Regulus had spoken for the first time. Alphard couldn’t believe it, it had been so long, he never really thought it would ever happen. It just seemed impossible.

It took Regulus four weeks from that phone call to speak to Alphard. He only whispered thank you, but it made Alphard so proud. So happy.

When Regulus began to call Orion papa, that was a wakeup call. He had never thought about what Regulus would call him, he didn’t have to think about it, considering he never spoke.

But hearing it hurt a lot more than he ever thought it would. 

At the wedding, Alphard had been looking forward to seeing Regulus and Sirius. It felt like it had been ages since he last saw them, every time he messaged, Sirius would come up with a new excuse. He wasn’t one to pry, he knew there must be a reason and he wasn’t going to push for anything.

Honestly, he assumed Regulus was going through a bad patch. He knew he struggled with seeing people, sometimes but he hadn’t expected it to last quite as long as it had.

From the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of a familiar figure, making his way outside. Alphard would recognise his boy from a mile off. 

Regulus looked so grown up, sounded so grown up. It still shocked him every time he spoke.

As they spoke, he could see something wasn’t right. It was in his voice, his eyes. Something had happened. He knew him. He also knew Regulus had an eye for a certain someone.

All the family knew of the situation. They always had. And none of them had ever believed Alphard’s claims. If anything, they believed the opposite.
Ever since Walburga was imprisoned, their behaviour had been spiteful. Evil. He did everything he could to avoid them. But he would not miss Narcissa’s wedding. He had always had a soft spot for her, she was the only sane member of that side of the family. 

He should have really seen it coming. He knew one day this would happen.

Regulus’ face was a knife to his heart. 

He couldn’t meet his eye. 

He didn’t know what to say. 

He felt ill.

He wanted to apologise. Cry. Beg for him to understand. There were reasons for this. It wasn’t how it sounded. He never wanted him to find out like this. 

He’d been trying to contact Sirius and Regulus for the past week. But he had no luck. 

He met with his brother that week.

“Have you spoken to Sirius?” 

“Not since the day of the wedding.” Orion shook his head.

Alphard sighed, covering his face with his hands, “What are we going to do?”

“I’m not sure. I suppose we can only wait until they’re ready.” Orion spoke solemnly.

Silence fell among the two.

Orion hesitated, “Sirius.. He.. told me Regulus was attacked.” 

“What?” Alphard asked ludicrously, his head suddenly snapping upwards.

“He told me at the wedding, he said it happened a while back.” He said, “He was supposed to tell me more afterwards.”

Alphard shook his head, “What did they do?”

“They hurt him.”

“Who?” He could feel his voice rising.

“I don’t know. Trust me, if I did, they wouldn’t be walking.” 

“Is this why they haven’t been meeting with me?” He asked.

“Likely so, I don't think Regulus had really left the house since it happened.” Orion stated.

He didn’t know what to say. He needed to know what had happened to his boy.

REGULUS

For the last week he’d felt numb.

He wasn’t sure if he was being over the top but he had been feeling like his whole life had been a lie. He didn’t know what to believe. 

The majority of his time had been spent cooped up in his room (more than usual), so he had a lot of time to think.

He wanted his papa. Except he wasn’t his papa. 

Sirius had always been a safety blanket for him but so had his father. And now he felt as if he had lost that comfort. He didn’t feel like he would ever have it back. Alphard had too been someone he felt safe with. 

He felt betrayed. And alone. 

He had been worrying about a lot of things, but one in particular had been losing his bond with Sirius.

Now that they were only half brothers, did that make their relationship any less? Would Sirius still love him the same? What if he decided that he didn’t want him around anymore?

For two nights in a row, Regulus had been having panic attacks over the thought of Sirius not loving him anymore. But at least his mind had been occupied with something different during the nights.

He didn’t want to think at all. 

His veins felt like they were on fire. He felt like he could run around the country a thousand times. He didn’t know what to do with himself. He wanted to claw at his skin until he could peel it off. Or pull his hair out until he could see clumps on the floorboards. 

There were so many things he wanted to do. But couldn’t. It frustrated him to a dangerous point.

He wanted to be held. But not have anyone near him. 

He wanted to shower. But not see himself.

He wanted to laugh. But not fake it.

He wanted to see his friends. But not see the pity.

He wanted to see James. But not through a job.

He wanted to kiss. But not see someone else infront of him.

He wanted to touch himself. But not feel someone else’s hands.

He wanted to scream until his throat was permanently damaged.

His phone screen lit up from his bedside table, that blue light was determined to haunt him. He considered just binning the phone. He didn’t use it anymore, anyway.

Uncle Alphard

Stood in the middle of the screen. An evil reminder to his current situation. He supposed he should probably change his contact name. But to what?

Does he suddenly just start calling him dad? Is he just supposed to start calling papa Orion? He could never imagine doing that.

He wanted everything to go back to normal. For it all to go away.

And yet he still found himself sliding that stupid button.

“Regulus?” Alphards voice was clear through the phone.

But he couldn’t find his own voice. It was stuck. Like an oppositely broken record player.

“How are you, Regulus?” Alphard always spoke clearly to him, but not in the kind of way that he was treating him like he was stupid. He always had a way of understanding just that little bit more.

He still couldn’t speak, he tried to. He wanted to.

“I know everything is probably very confusing at the moment.” He spoke quietly, “You’re probably feeling a lot of confusing emotions, and that’s okay. I have a lot of explaining to do to you. I was wondering if you’d be willing to see me?” Alphard asked.

Regulus examined his voice carefully. It reminded him a bit of that therapist he temporarily had. It took him a few seconds to realise he had stopped speaking. He didn’t know what to say. Or if he could say anything at all.

“I could come to yours, so you’re in a safe space. I can leave whenever you need me to.” He suggested.

There were another few seconds of silence.

“Okay” Regulus answered. His voice was hoarse from disuse, embarrassment quickly overcame all other past problems. He covered his face, scrunching his face up.

“Okay. Are you free for tomorrow?” He asked.

“Yes.” His voice was clearer now, quiet, but clear.

“Good, good. I’ll see you then, Regulus.” 

Regulus hung the phone up as soon as Alphard insinuated the call would be ending.

He hadn’t even really thought over what he had agreed to. 

Chapter Text

CHAPTER NINETEEN

REGULUS

“Alphard is coming over.” Regulus said, bluntly. James turned his head to face him with a confused expression.

Sirius’ eyes snapped up from his phone screen, “You what?”

“He’s coming over.”

“Yes, I heard what you said. I just can't believe you said it.” He groaned, “When did you decide this?”

“Last night.” Regulus fiddled with the cushion cover on his lap. There was a stray string hanging off of it, he felt at ease curling it and tightening it around his finger. He repeated the process. He could feel James’ eyes on him, he refused to meet them.

“And when were you planning on telling me?” Sirius continued to interrogate.

“Just now, actually.”

“Well no shit. You could have told me.. Hmm.” He exaggerated, stroking his chin, “Last night, instead of at the last second.” 

“Well you’re one to talk.” Regulus snapped.

It was silly really, he did consider telling him last night but in all honesty, he really couldn’t be bothered to speak to Sirius. He knew he’d start asking questions, wanting to help Regulus prepare for the worst, covering the living room in his safe objects, being overly helpful about everything.

He’d rather just deal with it in the moment, instead of the hours leading up to it. In a way, it felt like the more preparation there was, the less natural it would be. The more anxious it would make him.

Plus it wasn’t like Sirius always told him important things straight away, so why should he?

Sirius opened his mouth, seemingly trying to find a quip back. 

“This is good.” James spoke quickly, “Now everyone can get what they need off their chests.”

“I can’t fucking wait.” Sirius rolled his eyes, stalking into the kitchen.

“He’s not angry at you, you know.” James attempted to reassure as he brought himself a little bit closer. “Just at them and what they’ve done.”

Regulus nodded slowly. “I know.” He tugged at the string again, wrapping it. Curling. Tightening.

“And I know you're probably feeling angry too?” 

He thought about this for a few moments, “I’m not sure.”

“You’re not?”

Regulus shook his head. “I thought I was. I don’t know what I feel, or if I feel anything at all.”

James nodded, “That’s alright. Emotions aren’t always easy to comprehend a lot of the time.”

“I don’t like that.”

“Like what?” He asked.

“When you talk to me like that.”

James furrowed his eyebrows, “What do you mean?”

Regulus sighed in annoyance, as if what he had said was simple. It was in his own mind.

“I don’t like when you talk to me like.. I’m a job.” He hesitated, he knew he was a job to James. He could feel his cheeks heating up in embarrassment. The kind of embarrassment that would make him want to run away and hide under his bedsheets.

“You’re not a job, I didn’t mean to make you feel like that, Reg.” James scratched the back of his neck. 

“But I am a job.” Regulus admitted.

“No, no you’re not. I look forward to seeing you. And spending time with you. I wake up everyday and I'm excited to jump on the train here. I look around on those trains and I see all the people on the way to their jobs. I don’t look the way they do, Reg. I don’t see anyone else buzzing to go to work at eight in the morning.” James spoke quietly, with a small laugh, “You are not a job. You’re so much more.”

“You like seeing me?” Regulus looked up just the smallest bit, his eyes were on James’ shirt buttons. The string was wrapped tightly around his index finger.

“I do.” He smiled.

Regulus hesitated, “I like when you come here.” He wanted to say he liked seeing him as well. But that was too hard to say, it was like he would be crossing an invisible line.

“No way.” James gasped. “Did the Regulus Black just admit to liking my company?” He grinned.

Regulus knew his face was flaming now, his eyes quickly returned to the cushion on his lap. He could tell from the corner of his eye that James was still grinning.

A few minutes of comfortable silence went by, which wasn’t something Regulus was used to experiencing. It was nearly always a silence that was suffocating and awkward. But he felt at ease. Calm.

“What do you think of Remus?” James asked.

“He seems okay.” Regulus wasn’t very sure what he thought yet. He’d planned to come to an assumption on whether or not Remus was worthy of Sirius but he hadn’t really had the opportunity to do that. Though his anxiety went down massively when he discovered Remus and James were friends. He trusted James.

“I know you were stressing over Sirius going out with someone new, in the beginning,” He spoke, “But I can assure you, Remus has the kindest soul on the planet. He’s been with me through the hardest times, he’s not one to get scared off. I can tell you that.” He chuckled.

“Do you think he would do that for Sirius?” Regulus questioned, “Be there for him during hard times?”

“Definitely.” James said with confidence. 

“He wouldn’t leave him?”

“He wouldn’t.” 

Regulus nodded. Sirius would need someone by his side soon and if Remus was willing to give his brother the support and love he’d need, then that's all the confirmation Regulus required.

“If you could do anything in the world, absolutely anything, what would it be?” James asked, leaning back on the couch, opposite.

“I would go to Spain.”

“You’ve never been to Spain before?”

Regulus shook his head, “No. Our family holidays were always in far away countries.”

“Which part would you want to go to?”

“One of the small islands. It is a lot less daunting if I start small, if I go straight into the mainland, I fear it might swallow me up.” His face was blank as he spoke, he was serious about what he was saying. “Have you been to Spain before?” He wondered.

“I have, my parents took me there every year, to different parts.” James seemed as though he was about to continue speaking but Regulus beat him to it.

“You have? Where was your favourite?” He asked, his voice stronger than before. The string was limp in his palm. 

“Ooh, I have always been a fan of Nerja and Malaga. My favourite island was Menorca, in the Balearics. I feel like it’s always less spoken about, in comparison to the other ones.” James smirked.

“I’ve never heard of Menorca.”

“No? Really? It’s so beautiful there. Very much community orientated with the locals. I have some pictures on my phone from last year, would you like to see?”

Regulus nodded quickly, the string was long forgotten.

James began flicking through his phone camera roll.

“Can i-?” He motioned to the part of the sofa next to him. Regulus hesitated, nodding slowly. 

James sat down beside him, bringing the phone closer.

“Here, look, this one was taken from the hotel window.” He zoomed in on a picture of a small cove beach. There were palm trees dotting along the sand, the sea was a beautiful shade of blue. It glistened where the sun touched it. Regulus was in awe.

He scrolled to another photo, “And this one.. was on the edge of the island..” The picture was unreal. The rocks looked as if each and everyone of them had been handcrafted, every rock had a place, a meaning. Regulus wanted to see what was over the edge.

“Where in Menorca was this?” He asked, his eyes were still captivated by the images.

“Cala’n Forcat. Gorgeous place.” 

Regulus raised his eyes to James’ face. His mouth was moving, seemingly explaining more about the destination. James had a very animated expression as he spoke, Regulus wondered if he always did or if it was just something he did when he was particularly happy. Regulus hadn’t had the opportunity to truly savour his face, let alone his facial expressions.

He had dark eyes that held so much light. Not something he had seen often, or thought possible. His lips were the perfect shade. Not too dark, not too pale. Regulus wanted to touch his face. Examine it. Every detail, every line. Find out what his best parts were in detail because at the moment it was impossible to pick a favourite.

“Reg?” James spoke unsurely, with a smile, nevertheless. Regulus barely had the time to realise they were staring at each other or just how close the proximity between the two was.

He wanted to rest his head on James’ shoulder. To be as close as humanly possible. To claim his space. His person.

“I want to go there.” Regulus said quietly, his gaze locked with James’.

“Do you have a passport?” James asked.

“Yes.”

“I’ll take you.”

“You will?”

“I will. You don’t have plans, do you? We’ll go. We’ll go on the next flight.” James vowed, he sounded ever so slightly out of breath. He sounded eager, Regulus wanted to hear that sound on repeat. In his dreams, every night.

Their faces were barely inches away from touching. He was sure he could absently feel himself inching closer.

“Okay.” Regulus agreed.

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” James nodded.

They stayed like that. Regulus wasn’t sure for how long. But he was sure those eyes had captured him for an eternity.

Suddenly, the door to the living room swung open.

They split apart instantly.

“Visitor.” Sirius sang with an eye roll. He was joined by a very uneasy looking Alphard, the face of a man who had probably just been scolded to a thousand by a certain Sirius Black.

Clearly they’d been too entranced in one another to hear the doorbell ring.

All forgotten fears had been promptly returned.

Sirius raised an eyebrow at the sight of them. 

He felt caught. Like he’d been doing something wrong. 

A wave of shame overtook Regulus’ every sense. Why was he thinking like this? He wasn’t supposed to be falling for someone. It wasn’t right.

“Hi Regulus.” Alphard greeted, he offered James a small wave. Regulus couldn’t help but see himself in that movement. He looked down at the floor. There was a deep burning rising in his chest as his mind came to terms with the fact that this was his father. 

He had loved Alphard for years. He was always so excited to see him when he was younger, even when he got older. Alphard had always been more of a best friend than an uncle. Turns out he was neither.

Alphard sat on the sofa opposite, the one that was usually James’ designated sitting area.

“Would you like me to leave?” James asked quietly.

Regulus shook his head. 

Sirius stood, observationally watching from the doorway, with his arms crossed. It was likely he already had a snide remark ready, on the tip of his tongue, for everything that came out of Alphards mouth.  

“How have things been?” He asked, clasping his hands together tightly. Regulus wondered if this was an anxious movement or just something he did.

He’d never found himself examining Alphard before. He never had a reason to. But now it was almost as if he was searching for answers. Clues. Anything that would give him the truth. Maybe something would jump out and tell him it was all just a really cruel joke. 

“How the fuck do you think things have been?” Sirius snapped.

Alphard nodded solemnly. “I’m sorry.”

“For which part?” He asked sarcastically.

“I know sorry won’t ever be enough. I’ve made mistakes, i've done things i shouldn’t have done—”

“What? Like fucking your brothers wife?” Sirius hissed. 

“Sirius…” James whispered.

“It wasn’t like that Sirius.” Alphard wouldn’t meet anyone's eye.

“Oh it wasn’t?” He laughed humorlessly. “I think we’ve all been to school, we know how it works.”

“I know you’re angry with me—”

“Angry? You think that’s it? You’ve only lied to my brother all his life. You fucking knew who you were to him and you never said anything. I’ve been through every possible explanation you could give, none of it makes sense!” He shouted. 

“I wanted too, Sirius. I really did.” Alphard swore. 

“Then why didn’t you?” He asked defeatedly.

“Your mother didn’t want it getting out. And we agreed, it would have caused more problems than needed if it was found out in our community. I didn’t want to risk your upbringing in France being sabotaged by the social circle we were in.”

“And what about when she was gone? And we moved to London?” Sirius questioned.

Regulus scratched at the cushion, trying to find the string again.

“There was so much change. We didn’t want to throw it at Regulus while he was already struggling so much.”

“So when were you planning on doing it?”

Alphard bit his lip. “I don’t know. We just couldn’t find the right moment. If I could go back and change things, I swear I would. None of this is fair. I’m so sorry, Regulus.” He looked over in his direction. Regulus stared at the cushion, twisting and turning. 

Sirius shook his head, “What about dad? When did he find out Regulus wasn’t his?”

That hurt to hear a lot more than he thought it would.

“He knew since the beginning. I wouldn’t have kept anything from him.” 

“What, did you personally go and tell him after you’d jumped in bed with his wife?”

“Believe me, I know you’re pissed off with me Sirius, but you need to start watching your mouth. This isn’t as cut and dry as you seem to think it is.” Alphard spoke lowly, clearly a nerve had been struck. Regulus knew it was only a matter of time before his patience would be knocked, nobody could remain calm with Sirius going at you every five seconds.

Sirius looked as if he had been taken by surprise. 

“Why did you get with her? What could have possibly demented you enough to get with someone like her?” 

Alphard seemed to struggle with his next words, “I’m not getting into details right now. I didn’t want to be with her. I never would have wanted to be with her.”

“Then how—?” 

“I was sixteen, Sirius. She was in her twenties. What do you think it sounds like?” Alphard sighed, tiredly.

“Oh.” Sirius rubbed the back of his neck, looking away.

Regulus had missed something. He didn’t understand but the words were too caught in his throat to try and ask. He tightened the string. He could see Sirius watching him closely, almost as if he was worried he was about to explode at any moment.

“I’m sorry, Regulus. I don’t want you thinking for one minute that I didn't tell you because I didn't want you. I always wanted you. I wanted to spend all the time I could with you, I still do. That's why I moved to London, I couldn't handle the thought of only seeing you during holidays. You were my little everything.” 

The string snapped off the cushion. Regulus watched the broken string slowly unravelling itself from the red mark made around his index finger.

Alphard cleared his throat after a few moments of silence, “I haven’t seen you two in months. I must have missed a lot, what’s been going on?”

There was another intense silence.

Sirius shuffled from one foot to the other.

“I went to a piano show.” Regulus spoke up, with much struggle,  after a few minutes, in hope of diffusing the tension. The past months had been filled with nothing but misery and trauma. It was the only positive thing he could think to talk about, it had made him so happy that day. He wanted to relive it as many times as he could.

A secret, more hidden part, was excited to tell Alphard. Regardless of what had happened, he was still Alphard .  

He rubbed the backs of his hands together as he felt his heart speeding up. His eyes didn’t move from the cushion though, the broken string was now being twisted and turned with the help of both hands - rather than one.

There was an evident happiness present in Alphard’s face, his shoulders looked just that bit more lower. “You did? Tell me about it, how was it?”

“It was good. I liked it.” Regulus said. “They played some of my favourite pieces.” He added, with the smallest hint of a smile.

“That’s great, Reg. I know you’ve always loved the piano.” He smiled, “Who did you go with?” 

“James took me.”

“Ah, did he?” His eyes landed on James.

Regulus nodded.

“Oh it was a great show.” James laughed, sheepishly. 

“That’s good to hear.” Alphard spoke, still with a smile. “How did you meet each other?” He asked.

Sirius coughed, “Do you want a drink?” He offered quickly.

“Uhm.. yes, sure.” Alphard replied.

He nodded, walking towards the kitchen.

Alphard looked at the two again, “Did you meet at university?” He asked.

“Yes.” Regulus lied. James looked at him, he could see him in the corner of his eye. 

“I thought so. What are you studying, Regulus?” Alphard wondered, “I know you got into Imperial, how is that going?”

Regulus felt himself freeze. He had attended Imperial University for six months until Sirius had to give his place up because he could no longer leave the house. He remembered being distraught about having to leave, when his mind had come out of shock - two months after he left the university. 

There were too many eyes on him. 

That familiar feeling was back. The one that came to him during the night. He rubbed the backs of his hands together, harder than before.

“What are you studying, Regulus?” Alphard repeated, more quietly this time. He only asked one question this time, probably assuming it was the bombardment of questions that had made answering difficult for Regulus.

He wanted to answer. Make up another lie. Maybe if he just told him what he had been studying, it wouldn’t count as a lie. The words were stuck. He could feel his neck tightening by the second, like a snake was wrapped around him. Like when the string had been around his finger.

“Drinks.” Sirius returned, holding two lemonades and a water, balanced between the other two glasses. He handed one to James and Alphard, he held out the water - that was in Regulus’ favourite glass - to him. But he couldn’t move. He felt frozen.

He wanted to just reach out and take it, just to get all the attention off of him. Sirius silently placed the glass on the table after a few seconds of waiting.

Regulus’ breathing began to start rapidly increasing. He could hear his heart beating painfully in his ears.

“Reg?”

 He could briefly make out someone's voice in the distance. He thought it could be Sirius. Though he couldn’t be sure, the beating was getting louder and more forceful, absorbing his every thought. He covered his ears and pushed hard, in a poor attempt to make it all stop. Everything needed to stop. His eyes were shut tightly, cutting off all his senses at once. 

Suddenly, someone's hands were on his knees, trying to coax him from his state.

And then he was back there. Hands trailing up his legs, his arms. Nails digging their way through his skin. Laughter. Taunting. 

Regulus wasn’t sure if he was screaming or not, he couldn’t hear anything. A static tv screen was on replay in his ears. He refused to open his eyes, it would make it real. He didn’t trust that he’d be at home if he opened them. He would be back in that room. It was a fact.

SIRIUS

“Reg it’s okay. It’s okay. It’s just us now.” He tried to reassure. Sirius had sent Alphard and James out the moment Regulus covered his ears. That usually meant bad things were about to go down. 

Sirius rubbed his brothers back. Regulus had curled himself up in the corner of the sofa, his eyes squeezed shut and his ears harshly protected.

He knew something would set him off during the visit but he hadn’t expected Alphard’s story to consist of the one thing Regulus can’t handle hearing about the most. Sirius assumed it was this that had upset him, after all, it seemed the most reasonable.

He continued to rub circles on Regulus’ back and pushed a few curls out of his face. This was never something that could happen any other time, he usually had to remain at a far distance to avoid making the situation worse but there seemed to be no reaction to it this time. So he enjoyed being able to comfort his brother in a way that calmed the both of them. 

They sat in silence. It took around half an hour for Regulus’ weakened sobs to die down, Sirius could hear him trying to catch his breath as quietly as possible. 

“Are you alright?” He asked. It was a stupid question, of course he wasn’t alright.

Regulus nodded slightly, not looking as if he was fully there. 

“I’ll ask them to leave.” Sirius stood, walking out to the kitchen.

Regulus made no attempt to move, only staring at the wall emotionlessly.

Alphard and James looked as if they were deep in conversation as he entered the kitchen.

“Sirius.” Alphard looked up quickly, “Is he okay?”

“Yeah he’ll– he’ll be fine.” 

James looked concerned, to say the least.

“Did I say something wrong?” Alphard worried.

“No, no. He’s just.. Not very well at the moment.” Sirius didn’t know what to say anymore. He felt as if he might have been at a breaking point.

“Do you want me to get going?” James asked, knowing.

“Yeah, thanks for today.”

“No problem. Say bye to Reg for me.” He smiled.

“Will do.”

They stood in silence for a few minutes as they listened to James leave. There had been an awful lot of this silence.

The kitchen tap dripped every few seconds and it was really getting on his nerves.

“What’s going on, Sirius?” Alphard asked with a sigh.

He felt as though he was aching, all over. So many things were going on in his mind. He wanted to be the best brother he possibly could, he wanted to help Regulus.

He had done everything possible to forget Regulus’ plan to go to Switzerland for the procedure. He didn’t want to acknowledge it because if he did, it would become a reality. He couldn’t handle knowing his little brother was going to leave him. He was little. He was supposed to outlive his older brother.

It wasn’t right. 

It wasn’t fair.

And he had no one to talk to. Not truly. Not someone who shared the same knowledge that he had. Nobody knew everything. And the one person who did couldn’t handle speaking of it. Sirius felt so alone within himself.

“A lot.”

“Talk to me.” Alphard sat down on the kitchen chair. 

“I don’t know what to do anymore.” Sirius wiped the tears beginning to form on his waterline. “I’m so scared for him.”

“What happened? Please tell me.”

And that was it. Sirius looked into his uncle's eyes, eyes that held understanding. It couldn’t go on like this anymore. He needed someone. 

And the floodgates opened.

Sirius couldn’t speak it out loud, so he gave Alphard the police report to read, whilst he got Regulus settled in his room upstairs. 

When he returned to the kitchen, the police report was abandoned on the counter, Alphard had his hands braced on the sink. His breathing was heavy.

“Is he upstairs?” Alphard checked, quietly.

Sirius nodded.

“Sirius, despite your dad not being in London, you should have called someone when this happened. Me, you should have called me.” He ran his hand over his face, holding the bridge of his nose.

“I know. Alright? I know. I couldn’t think straight. Everything was a blur, it was all going too fast.”

“You should never have had to deal with this on your own.” He whispered, “Is he getting help? Is he in a support group? The police should have referred him somewhere–”

“He won’t accept it. I’ve tried, I promise I have.”

“Of course he won't accept it, nobody ever wants to accept help.”

“I did get a therapist but he wouldn’t do anything. She said to try again when he was willing.”

“Well she sounds like a shit therapist. They aren’t supposed to say things like that. They are meant to be fully equipped to deal with people who are struggling to engage.” Alphard fumed.

“I’m sorry. I know I haven't done things the right way. I didn’t know how too! I just didn’t want to make things worse.” Sirius cried. 

Alphard pulled him into his arms, “I’m not angry with you, Sirius. I’m angry at–  I know you’ve tried. And I'm proud of you for that. But you shouldn’t have kept this to yourself, you’re struggling as well.”

He leaned further into his uncle, welcoming the only source of comfort he’d had in months. They stayed like that for a while.

Alphard took a few deep breaths, “How has Regulus been?”

“He’s been an absolute nightmare.” Sirius sobbed, chuckling as he did. “We’ve had so many arguments and screaming matches, I lost my voice for five bloody days the other week.”

Alphard smiled sadly, “Does he speak about what happened?”

“No, not at all. I’ve told him, I'll always be here to listen if he needs anything off his chest. But he doesn’t want to speak about it. It’s like he pretends it didn’t happen.” 

“It’s not something that’s easy to talk about, he probably wants to, he just doesn’t know what to say or how to word it. And no matter how many times he’s reassured it’s okay to talk about, he’s going to feel embarrassed.”

Sirius wiped his nose and his eyes, “I just want him to be okay.” 

“I know, I do too.” Alphard spoke, “Physically, he’s okay? He’s been to a hospital and has been checked over properly?”

“Yeah, we stayed at the hospital for two weeks. He’s pretty much recovered now, as much as he can be.” 

“There’s nothing longstanding?”

“No, I don’t think so.” 

He nodded, running a hand over his face.

Sirius hesitated, it had to be said, Alphard needed to know. He couldn’t keep this all in anymore, “He wants to take his own life.”

Alphard sighed, heavily. “When he begins getting the help he needs, he’ll be okay. Don’t worry–”

“No, you don’t get it. He’s going to do it.”

“No he won’t, he’s going to be okay.” Alphard repeated calmly.

Sirius sniffed roughly, “He’s planning on going to Switzerland. I don’t think anything can help him, Alphard. This is never going to be something he’s going to deal with.”

“You can’t say that. Not until he’s given help a chance.” He started, “We are going to sort this out. I promise you.”

Sirius had never seen Regulus in Alphard before. But he could now. He felt like an idiot for not seeing it sooner.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWENTY

SIRIUS

Alphard had been playing on his mind. More than usual. What he said had been circulating his mind. 

Regulus needed help. Professional help. From a therapist that would actually do their job.

Sirius had been beating himself up over that last therapist he’d hired, of course she wasn’t supposed to dump him because Regulus was too ‘difficult’ for her to deal with. At the very least, she should have referred them to someone who would have been better equipped, and admitted she couldn’t do it.

But instead she just threw Regulus to the side with a weak excuse of try again, when he’s willing. 

Alphard sent him an online leaflet for a private therapist he recommended as well as a few support groups. He suggested that the therapy sessions should begin online, there was a higher chance Regulus may speak about what happened to him and how he’s feeling, behind the safety of a laptop screen.

There was even the option of just texting a therapist, Sirius thought this idea was best. Regulus wouldn't have the chance to analyse their face and come to the wrong conclusions, he wouldn’t have to verbally say the words he's found so hard to say nor would he have to feel that suffocating pressure of instantly needing to reply.

A knock on the door  stole him from his thoughts.

“Sirius?” Regulus spoke, his voice unsteady, wavering at the edges.

He would be lying if he said his brother’s presence didn’t panic him a bit, it wasn’t like him to come to Sirius. It was usually the other way around.

“Are you okay?” He asked quickly.

Regulus nodded, taking a few small steps into the bedroom. “What’s James’ number?”

“His number?” Sirius repeated dumbly.

“His phone number.”

“Yes I know, phone number.” He muttered, “Why?”

“Because..” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

“Because…?” Sirius drawled out, grinning slyly.

“I want to talk to him.” Regulus huffed out, crossing his arms.

“Oh you do?”

“Yes.”

Sirius chuckled, pulling out his phone, “I texted you it.” 

Regulus' phone ping confirmed his message.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Childishly, Sirius had been about to make a joke about it being a stranger's phone number that he’d given him, but he knew it would be taken too seriously and Regulus would end up not using the number at all, just in case.

A dreaded, knowing, silence hung between them, both were unmoving and anxious in their posture.

“Come.” He patted the duvet of the bed beside him.

Regulus walked slowly, sitting down rather awkwardly.

Sirius sighed, “We need to talk about all of this, Reg.”

He looked to the floor, shame visibility pouring over him like torrential rain. His hands began to rub against each other, in that same familiar movement Sirius had been accustomed to over the years. Their mother hated it with a passion, she’d slap his hands with a book, a spoon, a glass, anything she could get her hands on. Preaching that it would teach him discipline .

“Alphard sent me some support leaflets.. We thought it would be helpful for you.” Sirius said, uneasily, waiting for the bomb to go off, the refusal to start.

Regulus remained silent.

“They’re online. So you won’t have to speak, you can text. I mean, you can talk if you want. Whatever would make you most comfortable.”

Sirius could see the battle going on behind his brother's eyes as the quiet continued to linger on.

“What do you think, Reg?” He urged, honestly he’d have rathered the refusal than nothing at all. It would have given him something to work with at least.

He replied with something of a hum, still not giving the answer Sirius was looking for. 

“Okay.” He whispered, his lips closing against each other made more sound than his reply.

“Yeah? You’ll do it?”

“Yeah.”  

He felt an unconscious smile overtake his face, it would have been impossible to suppress it, his heart was surging.

“I’ll talk to the therapist tomorrow and get it all set up for you.”

Regulus nodded, not much of a reaction was breaking through his surface. Sirius tried not to overthink the situation, he’d said yes so this was a good thing. But the lack of reaction was creating a small sense of worry in his bones.

“What’s on your mind?” He asked, “Somethings up. I know you aren’t only here for James’ phone number.”

“What isn’t on my mind?” Regulus spoke, absentmindedly. “I want to leave.”

“Leave?”

“I want to go to Menorca.”

Sirius furrowed his brows, “Where’s this come from?”

He shrugged his shoulders, not offering up much information.

“Alright.. When do you want to go?”

“This week.”

“This week? Reg, that’s a bit soon. You just want to up and leave at the last min-”

“Well, what else are we going to be doing? Hm?” He remarked. “I don’t want to wallow here any longer. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of everything.”

“Alright..”

“So let me go. I’ll start the therapy sessions when I'm back.”

“Okay.” Sirius nodded uneasily. In the back of his mind, he was going over every detail. The safety of the country, the expiration date of the passports, the travel guidelines to Spain, what items they need packed.

It wasn’t entirely what he had in mind, but right now he was willing to do whatever it took to get his brother to help himself.

He shook his head quickly, a new thought coming to mind. “What? On your own? Reg, I don't want you going so far away alone. We don’t know what could hap-”

“Not on my own. With you.” Regulus chewed on his bottom lip, “And James.”

“And who?” Sirius asked, his eyes widened.

“James.”

“Reg, you can’t really invite people without telling them first.. especially at the last minute. He might not be able to afford it.” 

Regulus rolled his eyes, “He wants to come too.”

“You told him before me?” Sirius bickered, offended at the least.

“Yes.”

“Well fine. We’ll go. Where in Menorca are we going then?”

“Cala’n Forcat.”

“Fucking hell, you’ve got this all planned out haven’t you?” Sirius joked, “Don’t tell me you’ve got a hotel on standby as well?”

“Obviously not.” Regulus snapped, “I did find one though.”

He grinned, “Of course you did.”

Sirius sprawled himself out on his bed, he stared out his bedroom window.

The full moon was hung proudly in the sky, lighting up the surrounding clouds that littered the skyline. His laptop layed discarded on his desk, a booking confirmation email from the hotel was lit up on the half shut screen, the only lighting in the darkened room.

“Remus?” He whispered into the phone he had pressed against his ear.

“Yeah?”

“I won’t be able to come to yours this week, Reg wants to go away.”

“That’s alright, where are you going?” Sirius desperately strained his ears to hear if there was the tiniest hint of disappointment in Remus’ words.

“Menorca. I don’t know where it came from but he’s suddenly adamant about going.” He chuckled lightly.

“That’s where James went last year, he wouldn’t stop gushing about it when he came back.” Remus hummed, “I bet you’ll have a great time.”

“That might be where Reg got the idea from then.” He smiled. “James is coming with us.”

“I thought he might be. Trust me, James will make the getaway a right laugh for you both.” Remus spoke, Sirius could hear the pride in his voice. He admired the friendship between the two of them, it was something that he had dreamed of having ever since he was small. 

“Come with us.”

“Where?”

“To Menorca. Come with us.”

“Sirius, I'd love to but I can't afford that kind of thing. If i’d had some time to save then sure-”

“I’ll pay for you. You don’t have to worry about money or anything like that.” 

“I couldn’t…”

“You can. If it makes you feel better you can pay me back. Whenever you’ve got the money. Please come.”

“You really want me to come?”

Sirius stifled a laugh, “Yeah, I sure do.”

“I’ll make sure I'm there then. I’ll pay you back.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“And thank you.”

Neither of them spoke for a few minutes. 

Sirius listened to Remus’ breathing down the line, it was controlled, light. He wondered what he sounded like when it was out of control, breathless. Eager. Wanting.

“What are you thinking about?” Remus asked.

“You.” He said under his breath, unsure if it was heard or not.

“What will we do when we’re in Menorca?”

“We’ll go out. I’ll take you to the finest restaurant on the island, and treat you to the best of views with your food.” Sirius uttered. 

“And what will we do after?” His voice was oddly seductive. Remus sure knew what to do to get him going. 

“We’ll walk along the shores, our feet will trail footprints behind us in the soggy sand.” He grinned at the thought, “When we reach our hotel, I'll take you back to my room and I'll show you one hell of a night.”

“You’re a bit cocky, aren’t you?” Remus teased.

Sirius laughed nervously, embarrassment suddenly flooding him at what he’d said. “Sorry, it doesn’t have to go like that-”

“No, no. Just thought it was a bit bold of you to assume you would be the one showing me one hell of a night.”

Sirius was pretty sure any evidence of oxygen entering his system in the past had been promptly vanquished within the space of seconds.

REGULUS

He read over the booking confirmation email that Sirius had forwarded him, double checking, triple checking.

He needed to ensure everything would be absolutely perfect and it seemed it was. They booked a hotel on the very edge of the island, in Cala’n Forcat, where James’ photo had been taken. The hotel wasn’t as grand as they were used to but Regulus had insisted on that very one, Globales , it was called. 

He curled up on his window seat, refreshing the iMessages app every few seconds, debating if he should text James or not. 

Sirius had been on the phone to him earlier, deciding on hotels, flight times. A part of Regulus hoped that Sirius mentioned, at some point during the call, about him asking for James’ number, maybe even telling him Regulus’ own number.

It would be a lot easier if it was James texting first, rather than himself. What was he supposed to say?

He worried if it would be unprofessional, but there was nothing professional about his job in the first place, so what harm could a text message do?

With a hint of reluctance, he typed his message into the box. 

“Hi, I know it’s late. Sorry. Are you awake?”

Regulus tried not to think of the impending embarrassment that would come if James wasn’t awake and ended up opening the message in the morning.

“Hey im up are u ok?”

It took him five minutes to choose a way of saying yes. Yes sounded too formal. Yeah sounded too casual. Yep sounded ridiculous. He eventually decided on yeah, he wasn’t happy about it though.

“Yeah.”

“Thats good cant sleep?”

“I could if i tried.” 

“Why dont u try?”

“You’re trying to get rid of me?” Regulus cringed at himself after sending that.

“No course not. Just dont want u missing out on your beauty sleep. Id talk to u all night if u wanted.” His text was followed by a winking GIF. Regulus had to put his phone down for a few seconds to regain his composure.

“Are you excited to go to Menorca?” 

“Very excited. I cant wait to show u the sights youll love them. It will be good to see u outside of your natural habitat. Are u excited?”

“Yeah i can’t wait.” He felt too blunt with his message so he followed it with another. “I was thinking about you.”

“U were?? What about me” 

Regulus wondered if he’d seem more relaxed if he started using shortened versions of words but decided against it, it didn’t feel right to send them unfinished.

“Just you.”

“Can i call u.”

“Yeah.”

Soon enough, Regulus could hear James’ voice. It awoke something in him, something he wasn’t sure he had ever felt.
He moved to his bed, switching all the lights off and hiding under the safety of the covers. His phone remained tightly gripped in his hand, James' quiet breathing echoed in the silent room.

“James?”

“Regulus.”

“Tell me something good.” He whispered, like it was a dirty secret.

James went on to tell him a story of two people.

Two people that shouldn’t have met, and didn’t like each other much when they did, but found they were the only two people in the world who could have possibly understood each other. 

He told him of the adventures they had, the places they had gone. James drew a world out for him, a world far away from Grimmauld Place, a world in which he was still somehow the person he had wanted to be. 

Full of wonder and possibility.

It was moments like this where he could forget his past, what had happened to him. To pretend. James gave him that sanctuary.

Regulus fell asleep to the sound of James’ voice that night, and for the first time in months, he felt peace. 

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

AUGUST

REMUS

“Tell me right now you did not forget our passports.”

“I swear, it was here just a second ago!” James proceeded to rummage through his backpack, desperately pulling out pieces of paper, supplies and countless wrappers.

“We are almost at the airport, James! We can’t turn around now.” Remus groaned, “I refuse to sacrifice this once in a lifetime opportunity because of your negligence!” 

As if on cue, the Gatwick Airport sign came into view as they rounded the corner.

“Don’t worry.” James chuckled nervously, seemingly trying to convince himself more than Remus as he continued to tear the contents of his bag out.

Suddenly, James’ phone began to ring.

“Don’t answer it!”

“Don’t worry, huh?” Remus rolled his eyes, “Give it here, let me tell Sirius how shit you are at passport-keeping.” He snatched the mobile off the dashboard, swiftly pressing the accept button and setting it down on his lap.

“Hey, mate, we're at the entrance.” Sirius' voice came through the phone.

“Hi, we’re almost there. Can’t promise we’ll actually be getting on the plane.” He raised his eyebrows at James, earning himself a groan.

“What? Why not?” Sirius sounded mildly panicked.

“James is being a shithead as usual, he’s lost our passports.”

“I haven’t lost them! They’re here somewhere!” James shouted.

“Right..”

Sirius broke into a laugh. Remus couldn’t pretend that it didn’t make him feel things. He wanted to be the reason he heard that beautiful sound everyday for an eternity, to physically feel the vibrations that were created. 

“Give us ten and we’ll be there.” He spoke, ending the call.

Remus pulled to a halt in the airport car park space he'd reserved, with a sigh.

“I found them!”

“Thank fuck for that.” 

“Hey!” Sirius called, waving his hand wildly amongst the crowd.

James and Remus made their way over to the two brothers. Sirius pulled him into a hug almost instantly. He truly felt that he was at his best in Sirius’ presence. They hadn’t actually had that much time together, alone at least. It was difficult for him to leave Regulus on his own, Remus understood fully and never had any problems with that. Though he did hope this holiday would unlock opportunities for them. For all of them.

“Hey, Reg.” James smiled gently.

Regulus seemed stressed, his hands were harshly gripping his jumper sleeves, headphones were securely placed over his ears, his shoulders were up to his neck. Anxiety looked as if it was radiating off of him, something Remus was a pro at recognising. 

Regulus raised his hand to offer a small wave. Remus was almost sure he could detect the faintest blush on his cheeks.

He was fully aware of James and Regulus tip-toeing around each other and he wasn’t going to let that continue. They just needed.. A little help in the right direction, that’s all.

“You’re all set, passports have been found?” Sirius asked, slowly unravelling himself from Remus.

“Luckily so.” He confirmed.

“Good, good. Check in just opened, let’s get going!” He led the way in. 

They double checked the desk numbers for EasyJet to Menorca, on the boards, and joined the rapidly increasing queue.

Surprisingly, they reached the front relatively quickly and managed to check in their suitcases with no issues. Thankfully, security checks went just as smoothly. Remus couldn’t believe how empty the place was, all the times he’d been to airports with his family they had been packed to the roof.

They all sat down in a small coffee shop, after exiting duty free. Regulus let go of Sirius’ hand for the first time, since leaving security, to sit down. James moved to sit next to him quickly, ensuring the seat would be his.

“Fancy a cappuccino?” Sirius spoke idly, flicking over the menu.

“Always been a bit of an espresso man, myself.” Remus smirked.

Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“Drove me mental, him always ordering an espresso. Don’t know how you can stand them.” James remarked.

“Can’t lie.. An espresso is a bit of a weird one.” Sirius hummed in agreement.

“Oi, there's no need to shame my coffee taste.”

“What can i get for you?” A woman asked, approaching the table rather lazily. Remus felt for her, having to serve people in an airport at 6am.

“Erm. A cappuccino, an espresso,” Sirius answered, motioning to James.

“Another cappuccino, please.”

“Is that it?”

“Reg, do you want anything?” Sirius asked.

Regulus shook his head, his eyes were looking the other way.

“That’s all, thanks.” 

Regulus’ eyes had been darting around the airport for the past ten minutes. Honestly, it had been making Remus feel uneasy, he felt like there was something he was missing, something he needed to look out for. He’d even found himself trying to follow Regulus’ eye-line, just to get a glimpse of whatever the culprit could be.

He was intrigued by Regulus.

There looked like there were always so many things going on inside his head. Remus wanted to pick apart his mind and examine it all. Discover all the wonders.

He wanted to see the world how Regulus saw it. Even if it were just for a moment.

The woman brought their drinks over soon enough, handing them a napkin each.

Sirius pulled out his phone, “We board in roughly an hour.”

James nodded, he didn’t seem all that interested in whatever Sirius had said, he was already occupied with something else. Someone else. 

They weren’t even speaking and yet somehow, James had managed to look at Regulus as though he were the most captivating thing in the world. Really, Remus wasn’t one to talk, he was pretty sure he’d been ogling Sirius the same way, mere minutes ago.

Remus took a sip of his coffee, meeting Sirius’ eyes over the top of his own mug.

It was all starting to set in now. The excitement of going away. It was really happening. 

He’d never done something so reckless before. But what could he say? Sirius brought it out of him.

Before he knew it, the tannoy above them announced the boarding.

SIRIUS

Regulus’s hand found his own once again as they began the walk to the plane, he knew the whole airport experience would be difficult - the noise, the people - but it had gone a lot calmer than he’d originally expected. 

The night before the flight he’d been preparing for the worst, he found the floorplan of Gatwick airport and figured out every possible place that could calm Regulus, if by chance he had a meltdown. 

Sirius even had the special assistance number written on his palm, Regulus had been thoroughly against having any assistance workers to escort them around the airport. He claimed it would be too embarrassing.

Sirius had thought it would be a great idea, they’d know all the quiet routes, the quickest ways, and they would be trained to deal with struggles. 

He felt Regulus’s hand tightening around his own, Sirius squeezed back reassuringly.

“I’m sitting next to you?” He checked. Sirius wanted to pull him into a hug and tell him it’s all going to be okay. Though that would have been heavily rejected. They’d been over plane seats multiple times over the past two nights and yet he still wasn’t convinced they’d be sat together.

“Yes, Reg. Don’t worry, we’re sitting together. Seven A and B.” He said, holding out the two boarding passes. 

“Me and James are behind you, yeah?” Remus asked.

“Yep, you’re eight A and B. Thought I'd stick you two together. Keep eachother company.” Sirius grinned. 

They walked through the tunnel leading to the plane door and onto the plane. The orange plane interior came into view.

Sirius moved to the side, letting Regulus take the window seat, he couldn’t risk having him sit next to a stranger and it sending him into panic mode if their elbows touched.

A plane was a very small and confined space, there was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. It sounded like his brother's worst nightmare, Regulus was bound to be worrying about the proximity and everything that came with it. 

On second thought, maybe Sirius should have brought the extra legroom seats at the front of the plane. He had underestimated just how tightly fit the seats were, he could barely bend his legs.

Call it snobby, if you will, but he hadn’t ever flown by a budget airline before and he hadn’t known what to expect. 

Their last holiday was to Mauritius, with their father, last year. They’d flown by Emirates Airways. Undeniably, it did seem as if Sirius was having a bit of a shock to the system.

Back then, Regulus had been so excited to go abroad, Orion had to settle him down multiple times on the plane because he was rocking back and forth so much in the seat. Sirius thought it was hilarious. He’d seen his father watching Regulus with the biggest smile on his face.

The Regulus then, contrasted the Regulus now, that was huddled up tightly against the window, his ears protectively covered by his defenders.

He sighed, fastening his seat belt.

Distantly, he could hear Remus and James talking, but it seemed a hassle to try and listen in. He was exhausted. Hopefully this holiday could do them all some good. 

He pulled out his phone, sending a quick text to Alphard, letting him know they’re taking off.

Sirius couldn’t help the ugly pang of guilt in his chest, he hadn’t spoken to his own father since the wedding. He did feel awful about it but he just couldn’t bring himself to speak with him just yet. It was likely Alphard was keeping him informed on what was going on, so that did take the pressure off a little.

He pressed down on the little flight mode button in his settings.

The plane was moving, the engines were beginning to start, rapidly roaring to life.

Sirius always found this part the scariest, that first stomach drop you get during the take off, it made him queasy just thinking about it. His feet were pushing into the floor, subconsciously, like the action would miraculously prevent the plane from crashing.

At this point he didn’t know if holding his brother’s hand was supposed to be comforting Regulus or himself. 

He felt the plane beginning to lift off, his eyes squeezed shut involuntarily, he didn’t even want to know what his face looked like.

“Are you okay?” He heard Regulus ask.

“Fine, I'm good.” Sirius strained.

“Do you need my stress ball? I brought an extra one for you.” He offered.

“No, I don't need one. I’m fine.”

“You’re not looking so good.” He showed the smallest hint of a smile. Sirius couldn’t understand how Regulus could handle take offs so well, remaining so calm.

“Just give me the fucking stress ball.” Sirius scowled.

Regulus laughed quietly, pulling a rubber ball from his bag compartment and handing it to his brother - that usually prided himself on his fearlessness. 

Relief flooded him when the plane landed.

The heat in the air assaulted him as soon as he stepped off the plane, it was stuffy, humid and suffocating. But it was Spain, so that made it acceptable. 

When they arrived at Mahon Airport, they scouted a taxi rank out. It was an hour's drive to the other side of the Island and it turned out that not many drivers were eager to go that far. However, after three refusals, someone finally agreed to take them there.

The hotel was as expected, nothing too fancy, just perfect enough for a last minute thing. Though there seemed to be a lot more kids than Sirius had anticipated. It seemed he was tripping over babies more than bumps in the pavement. 

The hotel consisted of separate apartments, like mini orange houses all throughout the resort.

Sirius and Regulus were sharing a room, Remus and James each had their own. He had contemplated them sharing as well, they’d both said it would be fine, to save money and all. But that would absolutely not work out in Sirius’ favour.

How was he supposed to get Remus in bed if his brother and friend were in the same room? So the only reasonable option was to ensure Remus had his very own room.

They were assigned their room numbers at check in and followed the hotel map to the rooms, luckily they were all nextdoor to each other. Sirius couldn’t help the passing thought, if the walls were sound proof or not. He hoped so.

Unluckily, their little orange house was right next to the kids entertainment stage.

“Oh my god.” Sirius groaned, “Don’t tell me they play that music all day.”

“What’s wrong, Black? Don’t like a bit of baby shark?” James grinned, bouncing along to the tune as he hauled his suitcase up the stairs.

“Oh right, forgot we bought a two year old with us.”

“Music from four till seven pm.” Remus said, “Just saw it on a sign.”

“Three whole hours?” He complained.

“It seems it.”

“New rule, we are out of this hotel every day during the hours of four till seven.” Sirius huffed, dragging his suitcase with a touch more defiance.

Regulus looked rather unbothered by the commotion going on amongst them, his eyes were busy clocking all the people walking by, the flower bushes, the door numbers, that wasn’t to say he was oblivious to their conversations. He probably was listening to every word, but didn't show it.

“Here we are.” Sirius pushed the keycard in the door, it took four tries before the small green light flashed. Remus and James entered their own rooms.

The room was a little wonder on its own, it had a small kitchen, a separate room for the bedroom and bathroom so it wasn’t all open planned like Sirius had suspected. And there was a balcony with a view of some rockery and the deep blue sea.

“What do you think?” He wiggled his eyebrows, “I know it’s not what we’re used to but it’s cute, isn’t it?”

Regulus was scanning the room intently, the colours, the floor, the furniture. “I like it.” He settled on, with a small nod of approval. He removed his ear defenders for the first time that day, accepting the safety of the room.

Sirius collapsed onto the blue patterned couch with a huff, “It’s so bloody hot. What are we doing today?” He asked, “Figure out where the good restaurants and bars are?”

“Yeah, okay.”

He furrowed his eyebrows, “What’s the matter? Are you not happy with the hotel?” He asked quickly, “Or you want to stay in for a while? That's fine if you do, we can-”

“Nothings wrong, Sirius.”

“I’m not stupid. Somethings wrong, I can tell.” He said, “We’re on holiday now, Reg. Leave all that stress behind in London. It’ll all be alright.”

Regulus looked as if he was fighting yet another losing battle in his mind, “We haven’t been on holiday without-” He paused. “ Him , before.” 

“Him? Papa?”

“I can’t call him that anymore.”

He shook his head, “Of course you can, listen, he’s always going to be papa to you. He won’t expect you to call him anything different.”

“I’m not his problem now, he doesn’t need me hanging around him anymore.”

 “Just because the truth has come out, does not mean he’s going to treat you any differently. He loves you and he always will.”

“You’re foolish if you think he’s going to want me around now. Let alone having me calling him my father. When he isn’t.” Regulus snapped.

“Oh come on, don’t be like this now.” Sirius pleaded, pushing his hands into his eyes.

“Well I suppose it's not a problem for you, is it? He’s still your father. Everything’s just fine and dandy for you.”

“Regulus..”

“No. You wouldn’t understand. You haven’t been told he’s not your father. You don’t understand.” Regulus chanted angrily, “I shouldn’t be your problem either. We aren’t even real brothers.”

“Oh my god, Regulus, seriously? We are brothers, always have been, always will be.”

“We’re only half brothers.” 

“So fucking what?” Sirius raised his voice. It was one thing for Regulus to be telling himself this, but to be telling Sirius, was a whole new problem. He was angry, offended. How could he even suggest they weren’t real brothers? After everything they’ve been through together, still going through. How dare he? 

Sirius was tired from travelling, they had just arrived, he just wanted to relax, why was he deciding to make this all a problem now?

Regulus threw his bag on the floor, the sound echoed against the walls.

He remembered it took Regulus a while to deal with Orion leaving for New York, it was rough for both of them, losing their security net. They both knew he’d fly straight back if they needed him to, but they couldn’t ask that of him.

 It was a scary thing, being left to your own devices after having a parent there all your life.

And now that he thought about it, it’s been a while since Regulus had seen Orion properly. Being on holiday was likely bringing up memories.

Sirius sighed, “You’re missing him, aren’t you?”

“Yeah.” Regulus admitted, his fury slowly dissipating. He was staring at the view behind the balcony door.

“That’s all you needed to say, Reg. Didn’t need to try and start an argument.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s alright, come here.” Sirius held his arms out, pulling his brother in when he got close enough. “We’ll see him as soon as we get back, yeah?”

Regulus nodded against his chest. 

He knew today had been overwhelming for him, and everything that was bottling up inside of him needed to come out somehow, anger often seemed to be the favourite way.

“Why don’t you text him? I’m sure he’s been texting you. Tell him about where we are.” Sirius suggested, the idea suddenly coming to mind.

“Okay.”

“How about we sleep this all off? We’ll both wake up energised, ready to conquer the restaurants and bars.” 

“Yeah, that sounds better.” Regulus rubbed at his temple.

“I’ll go let the other two know.”

REGULUS

He admired the scenery of the island. The whole taxi ride had been spent solely taking in what was around him. They’d been to many many countries, and yet none of them compared to this. A secret part of him couldn’t wait to tell Orion all about it. And Alphard. 

To his own surprise, when he saw the rockery, the first thing he’d wanted to do was call Barty, show him the sights, and give him a mini tour of the hotel.

That was what he’d done last year. But he hadn’t spoken to Barty since that dreadful encounter, at all, in fact. Regulus had still been receiving daily messages from him - and Evan - he’d not yet pulled together the courage to address those yet.

True to Sirius’ word, he did wake up feeling a lot less grief-stricken. He hadn’t expected to find being abroad without Orion so difficult, it didn’t even cross his mind beforehand. It was like a numb ache in his stomach, home sick, but for a person. 

“Do you like it?” James asked, appearing out of nowhere, startling Regulus.

“What?”

“The views.” He motioned around them with his arm. 

He hadn’t noticed he’d been completely zoned out for the past ten minutes, thinking into the silence, whilst waiting for Sirius and Remus. The only noise was the quiet whistle of the wind and the distant sound of children laughing, playing, in the nearby hotel.

“Oh, yeah. I like it. The bushes are very- Bushy.” In all honesty, his current placement was a bit bland, he’d seen the best scenery elsewhere.

James laughed, his hands were tucked in his shorts. He hadn’t realised how much he’d been missing out on, James should’ve worn shorts more often. Though that may clash with the typical English weather, much to his dismay.

“I’m-” He hesitated, “I’m glad you’re here.”

“I’m glad to be here.” He smiled. 

Regulus could feel his eyes on him. 

“It’s peaceful.” He thought aloud quietly.

James nodded, “It is.”

Regulus felt content, a bit like he was floating, he was hollow, yet his heart felt heavy. 

He wondered if this was what death felt like. 

That familiar heaviness being your soul, breaking through your chest to whatever unknown forces resided above.

He hoped it would be like this. 

Prayed, even.

“You know, my parents first brought me here when I was eight. As a gift, my mum gave me some red disney sunglasses.” James grinned, the memory fondly replaying in his eyes. “I loved them, obsessed over them. I wore them all holiday long and I refused to take them off.” 

“All holiday long?”

“Yep, in the shower, at dinner, in the pool, even in bed! Although I never woke up with them on, my dad must’ve wrestled them off of me when I fell asleep.” James chuckled, reminiscing.

Regulus smiled too, picturing a tiny James running around with bright red sunglasses on.

“And guess what.”

“What?”

James was already laughing, “When we got back to London, I had the whitest circles around my eyes from where the sunglasses had been!” 

Regulus huffed a laugh.

“It was actually so bad, it took weeks to go away and fade with the rest of my skin. I even tried stealing my mum's makeup so nobody at school saw.” 

Regulus admired the toothy smile James was displaying, “And what happened to these wonderful, red, disney sunglasses?” 

“Ah, I outgrew them, they ended up snapping. It broke my heart!” He looked ever so sad about it. Regulus couldn’t help but believe he’d be wearing them right now, had they been in the right condition, “And they don’t sell them anymore, not for grown men at least.”

“Strange, that.”

“Oh you can mock. Didn’t you ever love anything that much?”

“Yes. Yes I did.” 

JAMES

“Jimmy’s bar is probably the best one around here.” He pointed to the distance.

“Who?” Sirius asked.

“It’s the name of the bar.” 

“Idiot.” Remus muttered, trying to catch his breath, taking long strides. “This fucking heat, oh my god. James, how are you still functioning?”

“It’s not even that bad!”

“My arse it’s not that bad,” Sirius panted.

Regulus had quietly taken to putting a small towel over his head, shading him from the sun; he seemed more interested in looking around as he walked, than complaining, unlike his brother.

“How far is it to Jimmy bar?” Sirius asked.

“Jimmy’s.” Remus corrected, under his breath.

“That’s what I said!”

“Probably like, five minutes. Everythings relatively close around here.” 

“You’re like our own personal google map.” Regulus piped up, his eyes trained on the buildings with an unbothered expression. It was evident his response had come as a surprise to all of them.

James put his thumb up, “That’s me. Trusty and reliable.” 

“Right, like when you were in charge of driving us to that football match and we ended up being thirty miles away from the destination?” Remus asked.

“That was the Sat Nav’s fault! It malfunctioned!” 

Remus hummed, “Sure.” He turned to face Sirius and Regulus, “That’s why he’s not allowed to drive us anymore.”

Sirius laughed.

They reached Jimmy’s bar after a few minutes, it was exactly how he remembered it from all the past times. There were woven chairs sprawled out across the place, the sun shining on the chairs, creating the perfect place to catch some rays.

Sirius collapsed onto one of the chairs.

“God, anyone would think you’ve never left England before.” James grinned, watching the heat exhausted man before him.

“Have you seen my skin? I am not built for this kind of heat. I swear no other countries have ever been this bad.”

It was true, both of the brothers were extremely pale, Regulus more so.

“Oh, not only do you act like you’ve never seen the sun, you look it as well.” Remus teased, fanning himself with one of the menus.

“That’s rich, coming from you. Did you not see yourself a few minutes ago? Fighting for your life after only a few steps?” Sirius raised an eyebrow.

Remus rolled his eyes.

“How’re you finding the heat, Reg?” James asked, leaning back.

“I haven’t shrivelled up yet.” He stared straight ahead.

“Where is the bar staff? I need hydration.” Sirius said, looking around, realising where he was and what was expected from a bar.

James waved a waitress over.

“Hola, what can I get for you?” She asked, her eyes solely focused on James.

He smiled politely, ordering a fruit cider for himself and Sirius, a lemonade for Remus and a water for Regulus. 

“I’ll get that right away.” She smiled, brushing James’ arm with her hand as she turned.

It might’ve just been his mind playing tricks on him but he was almost sure Regulus had been glaring at the woman’s back so profusely his face was beginning to turn a mild shade of red.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

SIRIUS

“Oi, are you awake yet?”

Regulus huffed into his pillow agitatedly, “It’s too hot here.” The bedsheets were half off of him, with a sad stray foot hanging off the end of his bed.

“I know, it’s a nightmare.” He agreed, fumbling around with the shirts in the wardrobe, looking rather hesitant. “Will you be alright on your own for a few hours, later?” Sirius asked, unknowingly holding his breath as he awaited a reply.

“Why?” The black birds nest of a head abruptly popped up from behind the pillow.

“Well- I was just thinking of maybe taking Remus out. Just for some time. Together.”

Sirius had been trying to secure a solid plan before he’d even reached Menorca. Originally he’d planned to take Remus out later on in the week - when Regulus was more settled - but having him so close, yet so near, had been nothing but an ache in his chest. Seeing him in those torturous shorts, his wet hair draped over his forehead, that easy smile that he was sure wasn’t there before, in England, it was all too much.

Remus had no idea what he was doing to him. And it was barely the third day, their second day had been more of a recharge than anything.

Regulus stared at him sharply for a few seconds, eventually deciding on, “Okay.”

Sirius felt like he could finally breathe, “Yeah? You’ll be alright with that?”

“Yes, I'll be fine.”

“Good, good. I’m sure James will stay with you. If that’s what you’d like, of course.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” Sirius smiled, “Let’s go get lunch then? Just us?” He asked.

“Where are we getting lunch?”

“I’m not sure yet, James said there was a road with a few restaurants and shops, just past the square that Jimmy’s is on. We can take a stroll, see what we fancy.”

Regulus nodded, Sirius strained to see if there was even the smallest hint of an emotion behind his brother's eyes, but he couldn’t see anything, he might as well have been a blank canvas awaiting its paint. 

That had always been one of the more difficult things, trying to figure out what Regulus was feeling. His face nor his voice rarely ever gave anything away, not unless he was unmistakably ecstatic about something. So a lot of the time it left Sirius questioning whether or not his brother actually wanted to do activities.

The two of them found the road James had mentioned, after two signals being lost, one battery dying, four arguments and many many wrong turns.

“I told you it was this way!” Regulus groaned, adjusting his now dry towel he’d kept around his neck.

“Well I thought the map meant the other way!” Sirius said, attempting to catch his breath, failing miserably.

They’d made the seven minute walk, forty six minutes. 

Regulus made a sound of frustration.

“Well,” He panted, “We’re here now. Pick a restaurant.”

“I don’t care. Whatevers closest.” Regulus mumbled.

“We’ll go to- what’s this?” Sirius squinted at the nearest sign. “ Haiti .”

Regulus pushed past him to get inside, in dire need of air conditioning.

“Hola. Table for two?” A man asked, handing them both a menu.

“Yes, please.” Sirius tried to cover up the fact he was barely breathing.

“Just this way.” The man walked quickly to the far side of the restaurant, seating them directly under the air conditioner, much to Regulus’ delight.

Sirius had taken to fanning himself with the floppy menu.

“Let me know when you’re ready to order.” He smiled kindly, walking away.

“What’d you fancy?” He asked, skimming the meals under the lunch category.

Regulus hummed, deep in thought as he read through the menu as if it were an important document. “Just fries.”

“Just fries? That’s not a lot.”

He shrugged his shoulders, “Everything else looks too complicated.”

Sirius looked down at his own menu, understanding what he was talking about. “All that writing under each meal is only detailing the ingredients-”

“It’s too much.”

“Alright.” Regulus had always been very specific about the food he’d eat, it had to be a certain texture, a certain flavour, a certain colour, a certain size. 

Back when their mother was still in the picture, she refused to change the meal plans she’d arranged for the cooks, all of which were strong flavoured, heavily spiced, with far too much sauce. She claimed he was just trying to be difficult. She used that word a lot.

Regulus would end up going weeks at a time, hardly eating anything, except the pasta around the edges that had no sauce on, the few chips that didn’t touch the peas, the edges of the meat that had no gravy on. 

When Orion got custody, he worked hard on organising as many meals in advance that would accommodate Regulus’ needs and get him back to a healthy weight.

When the waiter returned, after receiving two waters, Sirius ordered fries and himself a burger, he had a small hope that he could convince Regulus to try some of it.

“Soo, how have you been feeling?” 

“Fine.”

“Well, that sounds convincing.”

Regulus rolled his eyes, “What do you expect me to say?”

“I don’t know.. Maybe something that gives me a bit of an insight into what’s going on in that brain of yours.”

“I’m pretty sure fine tells you enough.”

“It doesn’t, actually. You always say you’re fine just to shut me up.”

“Well it's clearly not working, is it?” Regulus muttered.

“What is the matter with you? Any time I try to have a conversation with you, you’re instantly at my throat!” 

“Because I'm sick of you babying me like I'm a child!” 

“Oh well im so fucking sorry for trying to make sure you’re okay. How rude of me.” Sirius snapped.

“I didn’t ask you to!”

“You don’t need to!”

Regulus sighed frustratedly, running a hand over his face in that overly familiar way he’d seen someone else do, “Why can’t you just treat me like before ?”

“Because things aren't the same as before! You aren’t the same.. Surely you understand, I have to be–”

“No. No you don’t fucking have to be anything. I want to be treated like I'm normal!”

“You aren’t normal, Regulus!” Sirius shouted. 

He regretted it as quickly as he’d said it. He hadn’t meant for it to come out the way it did. 

Time felt like it froze for a few moments, Regulus’ eyes were set firmly on the table. Sirius didn’t need to see to know his hands were rubbing against each other. 

“Reg, I’m sorry.” Sirius spoke, “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Regulus whispered.

“No it’s not. Reg-”

“Hola, Hamburguesa y papas fritas.” A new waiter announced, holding two plates.

“Thank you,” Sirius smiled politely as he placed the food down on the table.

Sirius reached for the folded up napkin, unravelling the knife and fork absentmindedly. 

“Do you want to try some, Reg?” He asked, hoping to ease the tension. Regulus looked as if he’d seen a ghost, his eyes were heavily fixated on Sirius’ hands. “Hey, I'm sorry.” He repeated quietly.

However there seemed to be something else wrong, there was a look in Regulus’ eyes, one that he hadn’t seen since those days in the hospital.

“Reg? What’s the matter?” 

He continued to stare ahead in almost a possessed manner. 

“Do you not want fries anymore?” Sirius tried, “We can get you something el-” He looked down to his own hands, holding a knife in one and a fork in the other, a sight which would be perfectly innocent in a restaurant. Quickly, he wrapped the cutlery back up in the crumpled tissue, ensuring no sliver of stainless steel could be seen.

Sirius stared back at his brother, unmoving and unsure of what the next few minutes would consist of, he prepared himself for the worst.

“Regulus?”

He hummed in reply, now watching the fries.

“Do you want to eat?”

He nodded, uneasily.

He reached for his burger, deciding to go full caveman, and bit into it messily, trying to find a way to distract his brother. 

Regulus watched him with careful eyes, one eyebrow raised.

Sirius laughed, covering his mouth with his hand, at the pure obscenity of his own actions. The corner of Regulus’ lips were the tiniest bit upturned, evidently, he was suppressing a smile.

They left the restaurant shortly after eating and walked back to the hotel. There hadn’t been much conversation, the majority of it had been one sided but Sirius expected that after the mild shake-up, about the silverware.

Honestly, he’d expected that situation to go a thousand times worse, he felt proud. Like Regulus was starting to heal, if he’d seen even the glimpse of a metal knife a few months ago, all hell would have broken loose. 

And just like that, things didn’t seem so hopeless after all. 

REMUS

“Alright, handsome.” He grinned at the sight of Sirius exiting the hotel in his smartest holiday wear. 

Sirius did a twirl, showing off his beige shorts and abnormally see through shirt, that was somehow doing things to Remus he never knew a shirt alone could do. 

“You all set to go?” He asked.

“Yeah, where are we off too?” Sirius had left him in suspense all day, as soon as he heard they’d be going out, he’d been bouncing off walls, dancing down the corridors. James had even joined him in a mini fiesta in the hotel apartment to celebrate their victory, both of them were getting time with one of the Black brothers. 

“Surprise.” Sirius wiggled his brows.

He rolled his eyes, “You know where you’re going though, right?”

“Of course I do! How could you ever think any less of me!” 

Remus smiled to himself, ignoring the sweat gathering on his palms and the beating of his heart, he was praying Sirius couldn’t actually hear it.

 On cue, an expensive taxi pulled up next to them.

“Really?” Remus deadpanned, “You do realise this is cheating, you’re not personally getting us to wherever we’re going.” 

Sirius hushed him with a finger against his lips, “Enjoy it.” He winked, strutting over to the taxi and holding the door open like the gentleman he was. Remus was sure his body was quivering at the touch.

Remus stared desperately out the window, trying to figure out where they were going but had no luck. After a thirty minute drive, they arrived at a very quiet beach, only lit by the distant restaurants and street lights.

“Where are we?”

“Son Xoriguer.” He spoke in his best Spanish accent, Remus wanted to hear him speaking a foreign language more often. 

Sirius held his hand, leading him down the pavement, he was speaking but Remus couldn’t bring himself to focus on anything except their joined hands, how they fit together perfectly.

One scarred and tanned, one pristine and pale.

Sirius Black's hand looked as if it’d been carved by the gods themself.

They came to a halt, Sirius was checking something on his phone, his eyebrows were furrowed.

“This is the one!” He pointed joyfully.

Remus never caught the name of it, he’d been far too preoccupied, but he could make out it was a steak restaurant. As they entered, the aroma of expensive food flooded his senses, it was overstimulating, yet everything he wanted all at once.

They sat by one of the open windows, the table had been pre booked, there were rose petals scattered across the white sheet, draped perfectly over the table, candles were lit in the most precise of places, the shadow of the flame added to the romantic sight. He dragged his gaze away from the sight, looking around at the other tables, confirming that only theirs was decorated so thoughtfully. 

It looked like something out of a movie.

“Sirius..” He spoke breathlessly.

“Do you like it?” He asked, with a shy smile. Maybe it was nervous.

“Do i? Of course I do. Sirius- I-.” He ran his hand through his hair.

“I know it’s not much.” He chuckled.

“God, you really know how to make a man feel special.” He grinned. This means the world to me, thank you.”

“Only the best.” Sirius winked, slowly picking up his leather covered menu and flicking through the pages.

Remus followed suit, picking up his own menu to view the food options, his hands unconsciously traced the leather, coming to terms with the texture. He took note of the lack of prices next to the meals, that's how you knew it was expensive. 

He would have dreamed of coming to a place like this when he was younger, even now. Remus had not grown up poor, per se, but certainly not with the ability to spend money whenever or on whatever he wanted. His mum worked hard for what they had and he couldn’t thank her enough for the opportunities she’d allowed him to experience.

He admired Sirius for sharing his lifestyle with him, and not in the way your typical snobby rich boy would. He did it with grace, with love. A true man wanting to share these moments with Remus. Remus, of all people. 

JAMES

James lazed back against the couch, staring at the ceiling of the apartment room, it looked like the kind of roofing you’d find in an attic. He turned his nose up as he caught sight of all the small spider and dust webs, clearly the cleaners only wished to clean the lower half of the room.

Suddenly, Regulus jumped up abruptly from his seat at the dining table, “Let’s go out.” He announced. 

James craned his neck to look at him, “Where to?”

“I don’t know, on a walk or something.” He began tying his shoelaces, “Hurry up.”

“A-Are you sure?” He quickly grabbed his own shoes, whilst half falling off the sofa - part of him afraid that Regulus would leave without him if he were any slower. “We told Sirius we’d be staying in.”

Regulus faced him, “He’s not my keeper.” 

“No, no of course not. I just wasn’t sure if we should be going or not, without him.”

“What? Do you think I might have some sort of physiological breakdown if I leave the house without my big brother ?” Regulus snapped. 

Honestly, James wasn’t sure. Regulus seemed impulsive with his decision and he couldn’t help but think he might be pushing himself into doing something for the wrong reasons.

He held his hands up in surrender, “Sorry, sorry.” 

But James knew that at least if he was there, he’d be able to keep him safe.

“Get a move on.” Regulus left the apartment.

James tripped over his own feet trying to make it to the door in time before it shut.

James was considerably aware of just how dark it was becoming as they left through the hotel reception, Regulus remained a few steps ahead, a man on a mission. He was surprisingly hard to keep up with.

He wasn’t sure if the nighttime would be any sort of trigger, he hoped not, but if it was, Regulus was doing a great job of not showing it.

“Where's a nice place?” He asked, stopping in the middle of the pavement.

“Um..” James looked around, hoping for some sort of inspiration, “There’s a pirates cove, there’s a quiet bar down there. It’s usually not busy in the evening.” He suggested.

“Great, where is it?”

“Well, it’s a bit of a walk away. You’ve got fast legs, clearly, reckon we could do it in twenty five minutes?”

“Let’s go then.” Regulus walked ahead, stopping after a few seconds, “Which way is it?”

He chuckled, “Once we get onto that main road it’s literally twenty minutes straight down.”

Regulus nodded in approval.

“This is not twenty minutes.” Regulus complained.

“I said twenty five.”

“Well it’s not that either. I thought the heat was supposed to go away at night.” He huffed, placing a distressed hand on his forehead.

“Apparently not.” James grinned, “Come on, it’s literally two more minutes down here, you’ll see it soon.”

Regulus groaned.

Thankfully they managed to reach the pirate cove with Regulus in one piece.

“Is this it?” He asked.

“Yep.” James gestured with his hand to the empty small beach, there were stairs leading to a bar that overlooked the water. 

Regulus hummed, following him up the stairs. There was nobody in the bar except a family at the back, exactly what James had been hoping for.

The two of them stood by the bar, Regulus was taking everything in, tracing the wooden planks of the bar with his fingers, ducking his head down to see the places that were out of reach. James could watch him in awe for days. His expression reminded him somewhat of how he’d been that night at the piano recital, he hoped he was feeling the same way.

“What are you drinking?” James asked.

Regulus looked at him as though he’d forgotten where he was, “Oh, just water.”

“Just water?” He looked at him questioningly, “Are you sure? Don’t want to branch out and try something new?” 

He looked torn between the decisions in his head, “I really shouldn’t..” He furrowed his eyebrows, looking around the bar once again, but seemingly not to admire the sights. “Alright. I will.” He decided. 

“You will?”

“Yes, I'll drink something new.”

James clapped his hands together lightly, feeling accomplished. He didn’t want him to be stuck drinking water all holiday, drinks were the highlight.

“What do you fancy?” James handed him the drinks menu.

“What are you having?”

“Hm, I was thinking a cocktail of some sort.”

“I want one too then,” He flicked to the cocktail page. “A blue lagoon, that looks nice.”

“I’ll get a tequila sunrise.”

A man came and took their order, they both thanked him and walked to the table that James insisted had the best view of the cove.

James bathed in the sound of the melody the water was creating, down below them.

“It’s beautiful here.” Regulus spoke, gazing over at the sight.

He watched Regulus, how his face lit up when the small waves would make a slightly different sound. “It is.” He replied.

The bartender returned with their cocktails, placing a dark blue drink in front of Regulus and an orange one for James. He couldn’t help but believe the colours had meaning.

They both mirrored each other as they took a sip.

“What’d you think?” He asked.

“It tastes like blue lagoon.”

James chuckled, “I should hope it does.” 

“No it tastes like the words, blue lagoon.” It made no sense, yet so much sense all at once. 

“Mine tastes orangey.” He swirled the little plastic umbrella stick around, mixing it all up. 

“Can I try?” He asked hesitatntly, “You can try mine.”

James smiled, happy that he felt comfortable enough to ask, “Yeah of course.” They swapped their drinks around, once again mirroring each other as they took a sip. 

There was something weirdly intimate about sharing straws. He wanted to experience all the minor intimacies.

“Do you like it?” James asked, coughing as he felt his breath get caught in his throat.

“Yes. It tastes like sunrise.”

“The word?” He grinned.

“Yes. I think it’s what you’d taste like.” Regulus replied, his cheeks rapidly turning a bright shade of pink as he realised what he’d said. “If you were a drink.”

James couldn’t suppress the smile on his face, he could feel the sides of his mouth ache, but it was a nice ache. Like when you press on a bruise, that kind of sickly sweet sensation.

“You think I'd taste like a sunrise?”

Regulus looked him in the eyes, for the first time in a while, “Yeah.”

They remained with their eyes locked, “I think you’d taste like a star.”

“Because of my name?”

James shook his head, “Because you’re bright and you have the ability to light up the sky, no matter how much of a dark place it might be.” He replied, “Sometimes it takes a while for a star to feel ready to shine up its dark sky.”

Regulus dragged his eyes away, exhaling loudly. 

“I didn’t realise cocktails could get so deep.”

SIRIUS

**

“Fuck.” Remus cursed, fumbling with his wallet as he tried to retrieve the keycard to get the door open as quickly as possible. Sirius was leaving open mouthed kisses along the nape of his neck, teasingly, wantingly. 

After much struggle, he finally managed to get the door open. Sirius pushed him into the door - shutting it loudly behind them.

“You’re killing me.” Sirius whispered into his neck.

Soon enough, the roles were reversed. Sirius fell onto the bed, hair sprawled out messily against the covers, usually he’d have a problem with looking so dishevelled but he couldn’t bring himself to care whilst Remus was kissing a wet filthy line down his bare torso, making him fall apart at the seams.

He felt powerless under his touch, in the best way, 

The two of them were locked together, wrestling to get each other's shorts off. If he’d known his belt would create such a hassle he would have saved it for another day. 

Their clothes were collectively scattered across the floor within seconds.

A hand gripped him through his boxers, a moan fell from his lips at the relief it enabled him to feel. 

“Remus.” He sighed into his mouth. The feeling was overwhelming, deep, sharp. It’d been so long since he’d had this.

“You’ve done this before?” Remus checked, just as out of breath as he was.

“Yeah, have you?” 

“Yeah.” He nodded hastily.

Sirius pushed his forehead to Remus’. Savouring the moment. It hadn’t even begun and he already never wanted it to end. 

He could feel their chests against one another, 

their hearts beating together. 

This was sex.

They were meant for each other. Forever and always.

Remus pulled a condom from his bedside drawer, tearing it open and pulling it on with ease. 

“Like what you see?” Remus smirked.

Sirius didn’t want to know what his face looked like, but oh did he certainly like what he saw. He wished he knew if Remus was feeling as nervous as he was.

They were kissing, once again, dirty and wild. Sucking, biting.  Their hands roamed each other's naked bodies exploratively. It was all a fuzzy blur. He felt intoxicated.

Remus took his time preparing him, opening him up slowly and sensually, checking in on him every few moments. Admittedly, Sirius never really felt anything at this part but the fact that it was Remus, made it enough, honestly he could have come right then and there. But he couldn’t possibly embarrass himself like that on their first time together.

Their lips met again as Remus pushed into him with ease. Sirius’ mouth fell open at the welcomed intrusion, his eyes were squinted shut in bliss, the heaviness between his legs was nearly painful.

Remus moaned into his mouth, his own share of pleasure likely just as powerful. 

Teeth grazed against teeth as their bodies moulded together.

The sound of skin meeting skin echoed throughout the silent hotel room. 

Sirius could feel stray strands of his hair sticking to the thin layer of sweat on his forehead.

“Remus.” He groaned, desperate and pleading as he threw his head back against the pillows.

“I know.” He panted, “I know.” He spoke, taking Sirius in his hand, stroking him.

Sirius came with a loud hiss, Remus followed not that long after. The both of them collapsed together, against the bedsheets, holding each other close, not quite ready for it to be over yet. Their pants mingled together as Sirius tried to catch his breath.

He watched Remus' chest rising up and down, he laid his head down over it and listened to the beat of his heart. 

Remus’s fingers curled around his shoulders, kissing the top of his head softly.

Sirius closed his eyes, he felt calm, content, allowing himself to take in what had just happened. He looked up at Remus, and began to laugh. They both did. Childishly and pathetically, they laughed like teenagers after doing something they shouldn’t have.

Except they should have. And it was the most magic Sirius had felt in a long, long, time.

“I hope Regulus and James are asleep.” Remus laughed, “You’re not so quiet after all.” He teased.

“Oh shut up.”

**

REGULUS

3:42AM

“This was such a bad idea.”

“You’re the one that wanted to leave the apartment!” James remarked.

“Well you’re the one that decided to take us to that bar in the middle of nowhere!” He hiccuped, stumbling to the side, holding onto a wall for support.

They’d accidentally gone a bit overboard on the cocktails and unfortunately, the alcohol began to set in as soon as they started walking. Now all either of them could see were a few fuzzy street lights, it seemed as if the whole island was deserted.

“Which road is the way back?” James asked, squinting at the three separate roads ahead of them.

“I don’t fucking know.”

“Get your phone out then.” James huffed, also holding onto a street lamp to ensure he didn’t topple over.

“It’s dead. I told you that when we were googling cocks.” Regulus burst into drunken laughter, “tails.”

Dazed, James too broke out into a fit of giggles, bending down to rest against the floor, stumbling as he did.

“What do we do then?” James asked, the alcohol having taken away his brain's full capacity. 

“Get your own phone out.”

“Oh shit yeah.” He rustled through his pockets, “I don’t have it.”

“What do you mean you don’t have it?” Regulus asked with a confused expression.

“I must have left it in the room. You made me rush!”

“Oh my god,” He planted his face into the wall. “Ow.”

“Should we call the Spanish fire brigade?” James asked.

“How?”

“Oh.”

“Let's just pick a path.” Regulus suggested, tripping over the ledge of the pavement and looking back at it as though it did it on purpose. 

“This one!” James announced, pointing to the right.

Regulus nodded.

5:53AM

The sky was beginning to lighten now.

Regulus and James had taken to keeping their arms joined together, stumbling along their way, deep in conversation about the strangest of things, for hours. His throat was sore from speaking so much, Regulus wasn’t sure this was ever something he’d experience before. But he was too drunk to notice. So was James.

“I don’t think this was the right way.” James spoke, only trees were in the distance.

“No shit.”

“Oh my god, Regulus, my feet are killing me.”

Regulus groaned in reply, his head was hung low, practically dragging himself with every step. “I think I'm going to be sick.”

“You what?” He paused, causing Regulus to stop as well.

“Sick.”

“Oh, let’s–” He looked around, seemingly like a bin would pop out of thin air. “Here, let's go to the bush.” James pulled him along with their connected arms, leading him away from the pavement and over to the trail of bushes and trees.

Regulus walked with his eyes shut, afraid of the dizziness and sickness that would overcome him if they opened. 

Suddenly, he tripped over a glass bottle, sending the both of them flying into the bushes. 

They fell down, what seemed to Regulus a cliff but in reality was only a small drop, into a ditch full of mud and dirt.

James groaned in pain. “Fuck.” He shouted, clutching his ankle that had taken a particularly nasty hit on a rock. “Are you alright?” He asked quickly, sounding as if he’d sobered up dramatically, from the pain, within the course of a few seconds.

Regulus’ head was face down in the mud, rather animatedly, he slowly lifted himself up with his hands, his eyes still tightly shut and his mouth zipped closed. But his body betrayed him, he ended up throwing up all the past alcohol he’d drunk that night. 

In the distance, he could hear James making some sort of movement, only to be followed by a loud squelch as he slipped on something wet, in the mud, once again landing on his ankle the wrong way.

“Ah fuck!” He shouted, “You good?” He asked as he adjusted his glasses.

“Fine, good.” Regulus answered finally, a bit breathless, trying to manoeuvre himself safely away from the wet mud, on his hands and knees.

James made a strained noise, standing up with a slight limp, and pulled Regulus up to stand, rubbing his back gently.

“How the fuck are we getting back?” Regulus asked, a hand placed over his eyes, the sun was painfully bright.

“I don’t know. Surely there’ll be a taxi driving past at this hour.” He said, holding Regulus’ arm as they crawled back up the mini hill and back onto the road.

“I hope so.”

7:02AM

To their luck, a taxi did drive by. James gave him the details to the hotel and they were there in under twenty minutes. Turns out, for the past four hours they’d been unknowingly walking around in a massive circle of the pirates cove.

Regulus felt an instant surge of relief as he entered the hotel reception, far too exhausted to care about the strange looks parents and workers were giving him and James. He was pretty sure he saw a little kid pointing and laughing at one point.

“Reg?” He heard Sirius from behind them, he saw his face go through multiple stages of panic and confusion. “What the fuck happened to you two?” He gestured to them, covered in mud, a mess.

“We got lost?” James offered up.

“You– What? Me and Remus thought the two of you had gone to get breakfast or something! Where have you been?”

“We went to the pirate's cove.”

“What?” He asked ludicrously, “When did you go there?”

“Last night.” Regulus answered tiredly, still too drunk to function, leaning against James.

“Last– you’ve been wandering the streets all night?”

“We got lost.” James repeated.

Sirius held the bridge of his nose, “Oh my god.”

“Hey, where were y–” Remus paused, staring at the two. “What the fuck happened?” 

“We got pissed on cocks.” Regulus answered seriously.

“You what?”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

REGULUS

He was awoken to a sharp shooting pain in the side of his head, it burnt more with every movement. Regulus pulled his body up, a bolt ran through his heart, as he realised that he was indeed not at home. For a few seconds, he thought that he might have just been in that room again.

He rubbed his eyes and allowed himself to adjust to his surroundings, the room was dark, faint snoring could be heard from the bed next to him. The black head of curls on the pillow confirmed that it was his brother. 

Regulus grabbed his phone off the side table, ignoring all the missed notifications under the digits that read 3:56AM. He groaned, as he remembered the events that had taken place this time yesterday, the events of which ended with him and James in a literal ditch.

He dragged himself to the bathroom, tripping over a few stray pieces of clothing along the way. 

The splash of the cold water did nothing to help soothe the sour pain progressively worsening in his head. He stood with his hands braced on the sides of the sink, staring gravely into his reflection, he couldn’t tell you how long this went on for.

All he knew was that the mirror image slowly morphed into something else. Somebody else.

A sickening shiver crawled up his spine as he was reminded of that day he returned home from the hospital. He posed just like this, in his own bathroom, staring emotionless into his own eyes. Eyes that he didn’t recognise. In fact a face he didn’t recognise. Bruises had littered his cheeks, his nose, his jaw. Darker in some areas than others, bruises were a rainbow on their own. 

There had been a particular nasty gash across his cheek, ending just under his waterline. Regulus traced his finger over the scarred line. If he thought about it enough, he could relive the sore sting of the cut - a pain he’d become so accustomed to over those dreadful months. 

An ache flooded his lungs as his every breath became an intense struggle. 

He tore his eyes away from the reflection.

A pained noise made its way from Regulus’ throat, his muscles began to tense, his veins began to burn, hands were on him again. Foreign hands.

Pulling, digging, pushing, grabbing, trailing, tearing, laughing.

A bright light lit up the bathroom, a camera, was Regulus’ first thought.

He remembered a bright phone camera being shoved in his face throughout the entirety of his ordeal. As soon as he’d started using his own phone again, he changed his settings almost immediately to flash off .

He remembered his inability to move as he stood frozen, in the brightness of the examination room, doctors and nurses of all kinds prodding at him, clicking photographs of his exposed body with a bright flash. 

“-ulus?” 

He felt hands on his own. Warm hands.

“Regulus?” Sirius spoke, “What happened? What’s the matter?” He asked tiredly, bending down and sitting next to him on the floor of the bathroom.

After a few weak attempts to calm his breathing, he unexpectedly broke into a harsh, painful sob.

“It's okay, it's okay.” Sirius chanted, just above a whisper.

“No, it’s not.” Regulus choked, “I thought it would go away. I thought this would all go away if we were somewhere else.”

He heard his brother sigh, “Reg, it doesn’t work like that.”

“Well i’ve fucking worked that one out now, haven’t i?.” He spoke angrily through shaky breaths.

“Alright sorry.” Sirius said, “What's the matter? Is it about dad?”

“No!” Regulus shouted, “Not everything is about him! Them–” He made a frustrated sound as he kicked at the wall, tears continued to fall down his cheeks.

Sirius stayed quiet, worried he’d rock the boat if he said anything else. Instead, he offered small reassuring circles on his shoulder, not too much touch and also not too little,

“I hate this. I can't do it anymore.” Regulus wailed out as he forcefully banged the back of his head against the sink. 

“Hey, stop it! Don’t hurt yourself.”

“Don’t hurt myself? Don’t hurt myself?” He laughed humorlessly, “Sirius, I'm hurting myself by waking up everyday. You don’t care to stop that part, do you?” 

Sirius looked as if the words had physically slapped him, “We’re going to fix this. I promise.”

“We can’t fix this.” Regulus fell against the wall weakly, “I can’t be fixed.”

“You don’t need to be fixed. Just– Just some help.” Sirius tried, “And you’re going to get that when we get home. Remember? Alphard said–”

“Oh fucking Alphard said this, Alphard said that! Drag someone else into this shit, why don’t you?”

“He understands what you’re thinking and feeling, he will help.”

“No! He doesn’t understand!”

“He does! You know he does!”

“Oh what? Because he’s my dad? That doesn’t mean our brains are magically connected together, Sirius!” He ignored the internal sting that came with that sentence. Because he’s my dad. He's my dad. My dad. 

“Because it’s happened to him too! You know that! So of course he’ll understand.” 

Regulus was sure his heart paused for a few seconds, “What?” 

“What?” Sirius asked, the remnants of his anger slowly diffusing and morphing into confusion. 

Silence lingered between the two for a few moments.

“It happened to him too? What do you mean?”

“He told us, when he came to see you.”

“Mother?” He whispered like it pained him. Usually Regulus didn’t get hints, or words that were placements for others, it was something that always made him stick out like a sore thumb, something Bellatrix would taunt him over. 

But he got this. 

“Yeah..” Sirius confirmed, his eyebrows furrowed.

He looked away from his brother, “Oh.” Regulus mumbled. 

“Did you not–”

“I think I should go to sleep.” He wiped his eyes quickly with the back of his hand, and rushed back into the bedroom, leaving Sirius alone on the cold tiled floor.

Regulus woke again to the quiet sound of birds tweeting and the sun shining brightly through the small crack of the curtains. 

He sighed heavily, shutting his eyes tightly, at the realisation that he was in fact awake to see another day.

After much dismay, he managed to pull himself from the sheets as he pushed his palms into his face and lazily walked to the kitchen.

Distantly, he was almost sure he could hear Sirius talking in the living room, he silently hoped James and Remus weren’t there, Regulus still needed some recovery time until he had to reenter the social world.

His brother's voice became clearer as he entered the room. Sirius was on the phone, luckily reducing any of Regulus' fears.

He watched him intently, Sirius seemed deep in thought as he listened to whoever the mystery person on the end of the line was, he seemed relaxed, shoulders were lowered, he wasn’t running his hand through his hair - so it couldn’t necessarily be anything bad. Perhaps it was just Remus or James, maybe they were planning something to do later that day.

Regulus continued to stand thoughtfully by the arch of the door, different possibilities coming to him as the moments went on.

“Yeah that would be good.” Sirius said, stroking his chin as he overlooked the greenery below the balcony. 

He didn’t know how long it took until Sirius noticed him there, quite a while.

Regulus asked himself why he didn’t just make his presence known, because he felt like he wasn’t supposed to be listening to whatever this was, he didn’t know why. But walking in would prevent his chances of hearing what was going on. Maybe he was just paranoid. But he’d spent years being treated as if he was a child and being shielded away from things that could be ‘too much’ for him.

If something was going on, Regulus wanted to know about it. 

Eventually, Sirius must have caught sight of him in the corner of his eye.

“I’ll have to call you back.” He muttered, turning away again. “Yeah, see you then.” Sirius smiled as he turned back, it looked awfully forced.

“Who was that?” Regulus asked.

“No one.” He waved his hand carelessly, “Did you want to eat out for breakfast or go down to the hotel buffet?” 

“Who was it?” 

Sirius sighed, “Reg it doesn’t matter. Now–”

“I’m not stupid.” Regulus said quickly, defensively, he wasn’t sure why he felt the sudden need to say this. Possibly to ensure Sirius knew.

“I didn’t say you were.”

“Then who was it?” 

“Reg–”

“Sirius.”

“It was just dad!” Sirius snapped, irritably.

Regulus fought the insensitive urge to ask whose dad. 

“Why didn’t you just tell me that then?” He tried not to let his curiosity get the better of him.

“Because I didn't want to risk dealing with you going off on one at me!”

Regulus scowled, “You don’t want to risk dealing with a lot of things.” He replied, he knew it was childish, but he needed some sort of comeback. 

“Right, if you’re planning on acting like this for the next nine days, we’re going home.” Sirius spoke flatly, “I refuse to put up with your antics any longer, Regulus.”

He couldn’t help the laugh that came as he heard his brother’s words. It sounded so, unlike him. Regulus knew he was pushing a very fine line now, Sirius was slowly beginning to sound more exceptionally British, which was usually a sign for disaster. He did that when he was trying to assert his importance .

Sirius loved playing on the fact that he was the older sibling in situations like this, he liked to make sure everyone around him knew that he held all the cards.

However, he failed to realise that it was becoming increasingly more difficult to use this advantage when Regulus wasn't quite so small anymore.

“Who do you think you are?” Regulus laughed humorlessly, “Your dad? Because it’s starting to sound like it.”

“ Our dad.” Sirius corrected irritably, “What do you expect me to act like? When you’re behaving like a spoiled brat.”

He knew it was wrong to be finding this entertaining but it gave Regulus a buzz. A thrill. He was being challenged. Sirius had spent so many months tip toeing around him and now he was finally snapping. It was like an achievement. 

It made him feel as if he was experiencing the tiniest, smallest, miniscule bit of normality. 

“If you’re going to threaten to go, then go. I’m not a child, I'm perfectly capable of staying somewhere on my own.” 

“I doubt that.” Sirius laughed cruelly, “Give it five minutes and you’ll be panicking over something.”

“I wouldn’t.” He defended poorly. 

He rolled his eyes, “Right.” 

A sudden surge of anger came over him, all past amusement was gone within an instant.

“Well, you’re– you’re just so fucking perfect aren't you?” Regulus shouted, “The perfect brother, the perfect son, the perfect everything.”

Sirius’ eyes had widened at his voice level for a few moments before quickly descending into laughter, “Is that you trying to insult me?” 

He hated when people did this. 

They were looking down on him. 

Laughing at him. 

“Yes! Yes I am!” Regulus fought the embarrassing urge to start crying. 

He quickly spun around, sliding his feet into his flip-flops and rushed out the apartment door. He ignored Sirius’ calls from behind him.

JAMES

“What even is this?”

“No idea, good though.” James spoke, pulling a piece of meat off the skewer with his teeth as he watched the sun discoloured cars drive past. He leant back on his chair, opening his legs lazily, “God, I'm sure I'm still hungover.”

“Yeah you only slept an entire day and night.” Remus rolled his eyes, sticking a small wooden stick into the small assortment of olives. “I can’t believe you managed to get yourself and Regulus in such a state.” He laughed.

“Neither can i, still bloody got scratches and bruises down my legs!” He complained, rubbing at a particularly sore patch on his knee. “He’s fucking brilliant, you know that?” James grinned.

“Yes, I'm sure you’ve mentioned.” He smiled, with a knowing look. “Really, seeing Regulus Black drunk was not on my Menorca bingo card.” Remus chuckled at the thought.

James stared up at the radiance of the sunlight, adjusting his black sunglasses. “He said I'd taste like sunrise.” 

“Taste?” Remus asked with a raised eyebrow.

He waved his hand, smacking him on the shoulder, “He sees people, you know? He sees everything in such a.. unique way. It’s like a magical power. I’d love to see the word through his eyes.”

Remus nodded, “Hm, I'd say a sunrise accurately fits your description.” He slouched back, getting comfier on his chair. “Go on, tell me.”

“Tell you what?” James asked.

“Tell me about your man.”

He chuckled, shyly, feeling the heat reddening up his cheeks. “He has this way of talking where you can never quite be sure that he’s not mocking you.”

Remus smirked, “I can imagine he’s got a lot to take the mick out of, around you at least.”

“Oi.” James threw a small piece of bread at him, earning himself a wet olive to the head. The two of them laughed, basking in the stupidity of their actions. 

“Oh Remus, I don’t know what I think.” James sighed. All I know is that most of the time, I would rather be with him than anyone else I know.”

“I know how you feel.” He hummed.

“Sirius has captured you too, hm?” He grinned.

“It’s like they’re some sort of mini curse.”

“A mini curse that I'd be happy to indulge in for the rest of my life.” James replied. “Anyway, when are you going to tell me about your.. Date?”

“My date.” Remus copied, a flush threatening to overtake his own face.

Remus went on for the next hour, filling James in on all the juicy details. He made sure not a single part was missed.

REGULUS

He paced the main road for thirty two minutes, oblivious to the strange looks he was receiving, as he tried to stabilise his emotions. Regulus mumbled various 

words furiously under his breath.

His frustration had always proven difficult for him to express. It was like the feeling got too big for his mind, his body, causing it to get stuck inside. Too large to fit through the gaps all at once. So he was often left with an overwhelming knot in his gut that remained there while little bits of anger managed to dissipate at a time, until it was all gone. 

Sometimes he wondered if he looked like one of those angry cartoon characters with steam coming out their ears. It was certainly what he felt.

When he was younger, his way of getting this annoyance across was stomping and screaming (and an awful lot of teddy bear throwing). 

He supposed he couldn’t really do that now, despite how pleasing it sounded.

Suddenly, Regulus caught sight of a very familiar person ahead of him.

“James!” He called.

He turned swiftly at the mention of his name, his face lighting up as he realised who had called him.

“Hey Reg, glad to see you’re in one piece.” He teased.

“That’s rich coming from you.” Regulus smirked.

“Where's Sirius?” James wondered, looking around.

“At the hotel.” He dismissed quickly, “What are you doing?”

“I was just getting some bits from the supermarket,” He pointed to the small store across the road, “Remus has just gone back to the apartment, needs a lay down or something. Can’t quite handle the heat.” James chuckled lightly.

Regulus hummed, staring in the direction that the road ended. “Why don’t we explore?”

“Explore?” James repeated dumbly.

He rolled his eyes, crossing his arms. “Yes, explore . See the sights, go on a walk. We’re on an island, after all. Might as well see it.”

“Done quite a bit of that, haven’t we?” James joked, with a laugh.

Regulus only stared at him with an unimpressed look, he didn’t have the time of day to stand and wander, he wanted a simple answer, he had an idea screwed tight in his mind and he needed to know if he could do it or not.

“Yeah! Yeah, course.” He responded, a bit too enthusiastically. 

“Great. Your shopping trip can wait, let’s go.” Regulus clapped as he began his walk down the road.

JAMES

Their footsteps echoed on the heated pavement. After an hour or so of quiet walking, they found themselves in a field of nothingness.

Regulus had gotten curious of what was beyond the motorway, James followed, admiring Regulus’ passion and determination to seek out the small serenities. Regulus had a small frown on his face - whenever he’d turn a corner and the scene wasn’t quite what he’d had expected. 

The soft chirps of birds and the distant sounds of cars driving by was all that could be heard for miles.

“I didn’t think Menorca would have quite so much greenery.” Regulus spoke, breaking the silence, as he observed the amount of trees and grass around them.

“No? Why’s that?”

“I didn’t think the Canary Islands were very plant-y, from what I've seen in pictures at least. I suppose I assumed it would be the same here.”

“Ah. Do you like plants?”

“I think they’re very beautiful, they’re life.”

“Yeah.” James replied, under his breath. “Do you have any plants at home? Flowers? I know some people keep plants like pets.” He chuckled lightly.

“No.” Regulus answered bluntly.

He furrowed his brow questioningly, “Why not?”

“I can’t look after them well, I'd end up killing them.”

“Really? I think you’d look after a flower quite well. You strike me as the type to look after a plant like it’s a little person.”

“Perhaps.”

James hummed. 

The air fitted the silence for them. It was like a conversation of its own.

“James!” Regulus pulled on his shoulder, startling him from his thoughts, “Look, it's a horse!” He said, pointing towards another field, that revealed a brown horse behind some metal gates.

“Wow, big isn’t he?” James grinned, watching all the discarded tension leaving Regulus' face.

“He is. Oh, I loved horses when I was younger. I had this horse puzzle, it was massive.” He exaggerated with his arms, “The pieces were each so tiny I could barely make out the picture on each one. It took me months to complete.” Regulus smiled, snapping a quick picture of the horse on his phone as they walked by.

“God, you’ve just unlocked one hell of a memory for me!” James laughed, “Mum signed me up for riding lessons when I was small, first lesson, splat on my face!”

“You fell off the horse?”

“I fell off the horse. In front of everyone as well!”

“That is rather embarrassing.”

“Oh right.” James crossed his arms dramatically, “And have you ever ridden a horse?”

“I have, actually. ” He bragged, “I must have been about eleven, papa took us to this ranch and they were doing a horse ride around the mountains. Sirius ended up refusing to get on the horse. He claimed it was ‘too unstable’ for him.” Regulus chuckled, “Suppose you two get along great, being scaredy cats.” 

James placed a hand to his heart, “Oh Regulus, you wound me.”

Regulus smiled in return, it was shy. He was almost sure he could have spotted the slightest expression of sadness in his face.

They’d spotted many abandoned shops and old restaurants along their journey, James had found himself wondering why squatters didn’t just make a home in them. It was unlikely any legal authorities would check in such desolate places, even if they did, it wouldn’t be worth their time doing anything about it. He started picturing creating an entire little home in one of the uninhabited buildings.

Regulus pulled to a halt suddenly, dropping himself down on the grass and crossing his legs, James had almost tripped over him.

“Break. My legs are aching.” He informed, pulling his water bottle from his bag and gulping it down.

James sat down and drank from his own bottle, not realising just how thirsty he was until the liquid touched his tongue. 

Regulus fiddled with the grass, squinting as his eyes fought against the sun. 

“I wish you could have met me before .” Regulus spoke quietly, his eyes were focused on the sky. “You would have loved me.”

“Who’s to say I don't love you anyway?” He whispered. 

“Because I'm not loveable. This isn’t loveable.”

“I think you’re pretty loveable.”

Regulus looked at him. Properly looked at James.

“Really?” He asked.

He nodded, “Really.”

There was something unspoken between the lines.

He didn’t know how it happened, really .. One moment their eyes were locked, and the next, their lips.

It was a bit messy, Regulus had leant forward and his hand had lost its placement on the grass, causing him to fall a little bit too hard into the kiss.
The shock had nearly knocked James backwards, however Regulus falling into him was the real culprit as to why his back was now on the grass, the other boy leaning on his chest as they kissed, further than passion.

It was perfect.

“Tell me, tell me about you.” James spoke, gazing up at the sky. The two of them were both on their backs now, simply looking.

“Before? Or after.”

He shook his head, “ You .”

Silence lingered for a few moments.

“I’ve always hated halloween.” Regulus spoke, their hands were laced together,

“I hated the french cartoons that would always be on tv when i was younger, how paper feels on my hands, museums, black and white movies, science, bugs, babies, avocados, american accents, peanuts, ukuleles, parallelograms and the word indigo.” He said, looking up at James. Their eyes joined. “But I've always loved the sun. Books, teddy bears, ferrets, the colour pink, silver jewellery, art, headphones, earmuffs, France, Asda blankets, Howl’s moving castle and Spain .”

James watched him for a moment, that list was special. Special to Regulus.

“Spain made it on your list?” He whispered.

He nodded, “The sun’s here. You’re here.”

“I mean that much to you?” 

“You are pretty much the only thing that makes me want to get up in the morning.

REGULUS

Their walk back to the hotel didn’t consist of much more. A lot of shy smiles and red cheeks. He felt like a school kid with his first crush. Well, one of those statements was correct.

He watched the sun setting over the sea as he had on previous evenings and he dreaded the next day. He knew things would be different come tomorrow, his thoughts would be different. He’d no longer be on cloud nine. 

But he decided he’d worry about that when the time came. 

Later that night, Regulus crawled into bed, pulling his phone out. He didn’t know what possessed him, perhaps it was called happiness. It wasn’t something he was acquainted with, we can’t blame him.

To : Barty, Evan

+2 Attachments

He sent a picture of the horse and a picture he took of the sea from one of the hills. 

Regulus placed his phone back down on the bedside table, grinning to himself as he stared at the poorly painted ceiling, before deciding to throw a pillow at Sirius’s head.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

JAMES

Giddy was an understatement.

He was practically bursting at the seams.

Anything could happen today, anything could happen tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, nothing could bother him. Nor touch him. 

He felt untouchable. Unstoppable. 

There was no denying it now.

It was a fact, James Potter was hopelessly in love with Regulus Black.

So there he laid, grinning tiredly from his apartment balcony, his heart skipping a beat with every replay of those hours in the field. He couldn’t quite believe that yesterday was real, it was so.. Unexpected, like a dream. Dreams were unexpected, right? Oh how it was so dreamy .. James was walking on clouds.  

How was it possible for one singular person to do this to another? 

No amount of metaphors or similes could account for whatever this feeling was.

“Hey mate.” Remus entered his apartment, using the spare keycard James had given him. He had claimed James would end up losing it, which was probably true, so it was best looked after by Remus. 

“Hey.” James drifted, allowing his tanned skin to soak up all the sunshine. He couldn’t even look at the sun without thinking of the boy next door, the sun was theirs. Their special little thing. Couples have things like that, don’t they? Some couples claim a song.. Or a restaurant, maybe even a book. But no. They’ve claimed a sun (and possibly the entirety of Spain).

Remus squinted his eyes suspiciously, seemingly thinking, and finally coming up with a conclusion. “You snogged Regulus Black.”

“What?” James’ eyebrows flew upwards with a nervous chuckle.

“Oh my god. You did!” He exclaimed, “What happened? How did this happen?”

James sheepishly rubbed at the back of neck, “Well.. Went on a walk, we just.. Had some time, you know? And it just happened .” 

Remus held his hands out and looked at him as if he were mental, “You’ve wanted this for ages and that's it? Dropping it like it's the most casual thing in the world?” 

“I don’t know what to say!” James grinned bashfully, burying his head into the sunbed pillow.

“How was it?!” 

“I don’t kiss and tell.”

“Bullshit, how was it?”

James jumped up, “Oh Remus it was amazing.” He exaggerated with his hands. “I held him, I got to feel his heart against mine. They were in sync, I'm sure of it! We were in a field and it was just.. Like a movie. A turning point in a movie.”

Remus was smiling brightly, a genuine excitement in his eyes for his best friend's happiness. “Who kissed who first?”

“He kissed me first.” He winked.

“Baby Black’s got confidence.” Remus whistled, “Do you think Sirius will be alright with it?”

He shrugged his shoulders, “I think the big brother instinct will kick in but I think he’ll be relieved more than anything, all he wants is for Reg to be happy.”

Remus nodded.

“Even regardless of all of that.. I feel like this is such a big achievement for him, within himself. Especially since everything that’s happened. He even looked at me! Full eye contact for minutes!” He smiled at the thought. 

“Has Sirius told you what happened?” He asked curiously, frowning slightly.

James shook his head, “No, I know there was a court case, not sure what about though.”

Remus hummed, “You losing your job has really been a turn around for all of us.”

“Alright don’t make it sound like I'm a bad employee, he was retiring!” 

SIRIUS

He knocked on the door to James’ apartment, Regulus in tow. The two brothers hadn’t spoken that much since their disagreement, as Sirius liked to put it, yesterday. Frankly, he was too afraid to say anything to Regulus in fear another argument would pursue.

Although there had been some sort of change this morning. Dare Sirius say the words, but it seemed like Regulus was.. Content. 

Remus opened the door. Looking as positively gorgeous as always. 

“Alright?” He greeted, letting the two of them in. It seemed as if his gaze was lingering on Regulus.

“Yeah, you?” Sirius asked.

“All good.” He smiled warmly.

James appeared from the bathroom, wearing only a pair of boxers. 

“Oh, I didn't realise you two were.. Uh. Stopping by.” He spoke, placing his toothbrush down.

“Sorry for not texting, phones on charge. Thought it would be easier just to knock on the door.” Sirius laughed, “We’ve got plans! A bit last minute.” He could see Regulus fighting for his life, in the corner of his eye. 

Remus hummed, “What are we doing?” 

“I’ve hired us a boat for the day.”

“You know how to drive a boat?”

“Of course not, who do you think I am? It comes with a free pilot.” He nodded to himself in approval.

“Isn’t it a captain, when it comes to boats?”

“It’s not a ship, James. Pretty sure it's a sailor.” Remus answered.

“Well whatever he is, we’ve got one.”

“Where are we boating to?” James asked.

“I don’t know, I thought we could just laze around in the sun. Look at some.. Fish. Or whatever lives in the sea.” Sirius shrugged, “You don’t get sea sick easily do you?” He checked.

Remus pursed his lips, “Never been on a boat before.” 

“I went on a cruise once, I didn't get sea sick then. Can’t be much different surely?” James leant against the door frame. Regulus’ face was progressively getting pinker by the minute, his eyes were sharply staring down at the floor. Sirius had to battle the urge to laugh.

“Well, meet you both down at reception? And get a cab to the marina?”

“See you then.” 

They walked down the steps of the apartment, a safe enough distance for Sirius to torment his brother. 

“Lucky your shorts are baggy.” He joked, before a feeling of worry settled in his bones. Worry that he’d crossed some sort of line. Was it appropriate to say something like that? Maybe it would have been, about a year ago.

Regulus rolled his eyes, “Fuck off.”

Sirius felt a world of tension leave his shoulders as the corners of his lips slowly turned upwards.

“I thought you said this was a boat, this is a whole yacht.” Remus remarked, pulling at the neckline of his shirt to allow some air to travel through.

Sirius stepped down onto the yacht, "That's the same thing, isn’t it?” 

The boat was certainly not small, it was one of the grandest in the entire marina. But it was only fitting, Sirius never would have settled for anything less. The interior was modern, leather seats decorated the inside, black and white was evidently the theme.
The front of the yacht had an open space, perfect for looking at all the sea creatures - from over the railings. There was an indoor cabin downstairs that even had a bedroom and kitchen. Honestly, it wouldn't have been a bad place to live, if you asked him.

Sirius shook the driver's hand as he entered the boat, the man introduced himself as Adrián. The two of them engaged in light conversation, Sirius asking about all the boat parts as Adrian got them moving. 

“Were you born here, Adrián?” Sirius asked, fully intent on befriending the man.

“Ah no! I was born in Barcelona, but I moved here when I was only a boy. Mi madre wanted to move closer to mi abuela, you see.” He chuckled. 

Sirius hummed, “Understandable.” He sipped some lemonade from his glass that had made itself at home in his grasp, five minutes into the boat ride.

“What about you, huh? You’re from the island of the United Kingdom?”

“I live there, yes. Originally from France though.” He smiled.

“Yes yes! I see it now, the French features. You and your hermano!” Adrián pointed towards Regulus, who had a rather bored expression on his face, likely because he was waiting for him to finish his chit chat so they could go and join the other two. 

“Aha, yes!”

Eventually Sirius wrapped it up, and walked towards the deck to be faced with two very amused expressions.

“Have fun did you?” Remus smirked.

“Oh ha ha.” Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Proper posh isn’t he?” He nudged James, who was also smiling.

“Oh what? Having a chat makes me posh?”

“Mothers meeting.” Regulus muttered, earning a laugh from James. Sirius gave him a pointed look that spoke betrayal.

“The hand shaking, asking about his life. Posh behaviour.” Remus teased, crossing his arms.

“What can I say? My dad didn’t raise me as a savage.”

Remus’ eyes widened, “You’re a savage anyway.” 

They had sailed for a while now, they’d laid out towels on the deck and had played a few games of uno. Regulus chose not to play, despite the amount of begging Sirius did. Instead he decided to sit cross legged on his towel and stare out at the island, which was slowly drifting away.

Sirius made sure to keep an eye on him, they’d never been out at sea before, not on a yacht, at least. There had been multiple occasions in the past where they’d tried attending a new kind of outing and it’d ended in a meltdown. So he wasn’t quite sure if he’d be okay or not. 

“Ay friends! The turtles should be out around here at this time.” Adrián called.

Sirius put his thumb up, “Thanks!” He pulled himself up from the deck, groaning as he shook the cramp from his feet. Regulus was already by the railings, gazing over, he was up as soon as Adrian had mentioned turtles.

He rested his elbows along the rail, peering over the side.

“I always get turtles and tortoises mixed up.” James commented.

“Thought they were the same thing until a few months ago.” Sirius said. He’d actually discovered they were in fact different animals when he was sitting in the hospital waiting room. He needed something to ease his worries so he picked up the closest magazine, Animal world or something like that. 

Remus sighed, “You two share the same brain cell, I'm sure of it.”

“Turtle!” Regulus pointed from his side of the deck.

The three of them rushed over, their childish eager to get a glimpse of the sea creature coming out.

“Oh wow, that’s not small.” James laughed.

“Obviously not, it isn’t a tortoise.”

As everyone watched the magical creature swim through the ocean, Sirius had eyes for something else.
Regulus had that face again, the one where he was happy. In awe. It reminded Sirius of when his brother was little, he saw that expression so often. He supposed he probably took it for granted back then, but now he’d do anything to see Regulus in a state of pure happiness, the way he used to. 

“I didn’t know you liked turtles.” Sirius remarked.

Regulus shrugged, “I like most animals.” 

“But not bugs?” 

He smiled, “No, not bugs.” 

REGULUS

Barty

That horse is massive

Miss u

Evan

Where’s that Reg? Looks lovely 

Regulus stared at the messages as the marina was beginning to come into sight again, building up the courage to type a simple reply. He typed, retyped, deleted, almost threw the phone off the boat, but he managed to do it.

Regulus

We’re in Menorca.

He felt his lungs being able to breathe again once he’d sent it. Regulus tried not to think about the sixteen missed texts from papa.

“You alright?” James spoke, coming over to stand by him.

He nodded, words weren’t able to form at the abundance of emotions he was now suddenly feeling. It was hard to believe someone's presence was able to do this to him. 

He began to feel like he wasn’t standing right, he adjusted his stance twice, before going back to how he originally stood.

James braced his arms on the rail, staring intently at him. Despite the heat, his eyes made Regulus’ hairs stand on end, he ran his hands over his arms - a poor attempt to push the goosebumps down before they were noticed.

James frowned, “You’re not cold are you?”

“No.” He muttered, shaking his head.

He nodded. Regulus looked at his brother and Remus, the two of them were engaged in some sort of conversation. Sirius had such a care free appearance, an easy smile on his face. He looked so natural. And Regulus just.. Wasn’t. He wished he was, like Sirius, able to function without overthinking his every movement or word. 

But then again, he’d always wanted to be normal. 

“Do you want to talk about yesterday?” James tried, finally getting his question out.

No. “What’s there to say?” His voice sounded blunt. Regulus cringed internally at how his voice came across.

“I think there’s quite a bit to say.” He chuckled, possibly nervously. “Do you– still feel the same?”

“I didn’t say I felt anything, anyway.” Regulus felt like he was supposed to be defending something. He wasn’t sure what. Perhaps he was feeling embarrassed.

“You kissed me.”

“I did.”

“Did you feel something?”

Regulus hesitated, “I did.”

“I did too.” James smiled lightly, “Does this mean something for us? Do you think?”

Did it? Regulus wasn’t sure. This wasn’t the best of times to be finding himself in a relationship, for many reasons.

He knew it would end in tatters, no matter what happened.

He brought his eyes to the floor, “I don’t know.”

“I think it does. We could give it a go?” 

They could. It wasn’t right. Regulus was at war with his thoughts.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?” He grinned. James leant in the smallest amount, allowing Regulus the option to say no. He checked to see if Sirius was looking before very quickly pecking James on the lips and walking away, not looking back.

The boat was currently pulling into the docks now. He shook his hands, discreetly behind his back, trying to contain the overwhelm of excitement his heart was feeling.

When he was younger, he always wondered if he’d have a girlfriend. Marriage. A life, kids. It just didn’t ever seem like a possibility to his little mind. Orion always told him things would feel different when he was an adult. But they didn’t seem to be, he still wasn’t normal.

Besides, he couldn’t imagine himself being like the husbands, or dads you see in movies or tv shows.

But maybe that’s because he wasn’t supposed to be.

BARTY 

“Regs in Menorca.” Barty said, stretched across the couch of his apartment.

“Yeah, just saw the message.” Evan replied, “He must love it there, it’s got great views.”

Barty nodded absentmindedly, “Do you think he’s thought about us?”

“Of course he has, he messaged us.”

“Well, before that. Do you think he misses us at all?”

“He must do, we’re his best friends. And we’ll all be back together again soon enough.”

Barty rolled his eyes, “You sound like a prick, nothing’s going to happen ‘soon enough’. What if we never see him again?”

“And you sound like an idiot. We’ll obviously see him again.”

“But it won't be the same.”

Evan sighed, “Barty, we can’t expect any of this to be easy for him. Yeah, it’s going to take time, but we will get back to how we used to be.”

“I know it’s not easy!” He shouted, “What if we don’t have time? What if he replaces us with his fucking ward, that Sirius hired? Honestly, how ridiculous is that! He buys Reg a friend when he’s already got two that would love to be with him!”

“Reg wasn’t exactly in a place to be in our company straight away.” Evan shook his head, “Anyway what is this obsession with the ward?”

“He’s stolen our friend!”

“He hasn’t stolen him. You’re just jealous because you miss Reg.”

“Duh, yeah I miss him. But I'm not jealous. ” Barty defended.

Evan looked away, with an expression of thought on his features. After a few moments of silence, he looked back.“You’re still in love with him, aren’t you?”

Barty stood up, with a sharp laugh, “Should have known that's what you’d think the problem is.”

“That is the problem! You had years, Barty. Years to tell him. And you didn’t!”

“You think I don't know that?!” He shouted, “Yes! I wish, I wish I had said something.”

Evan pursed his lips, “And you think the ward has got the hots for Reg?”

“He’s in Menorca with him! I saw the back of his head in the pictures. Didn’t you see how overly happy and joyful he was, when we met him?” 

“Oh come on..”

“He’s just great, he’s perfect. He’s everything I'm not and will never be.”

“Regulus has just had quite possibly one of the most traumatic events happen to him, and you think he’s going to be jumping into a relationship with someone he’s just met? Get your fucking head together and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You aren’t losing him. We aren’t losing him.”

Barty pushed his palms into his eyes, “I wish I could turn back time and prevent all of this.” He blew out a shaky breath, “I miss him so much.”

“I know, I miss him too. This will be okay, he sent us a message. Look at how big a step that is, soon enough we’ll be going to cafes, parks, walks. Things will be as they were.” Evan promised.

He felt exhausted, tired. This had all had a massive strain on his mental health, he’d fallen back into those unhealthy habits he had a long time ago. His every day had been plagued with things he could have done differently that night. Every delivered message to Regulus was a constant reminder of what could have been. Should have been.

“I hope so.”

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

JAMES

He brought his chocolate ice cream up to his lips, licking it absentmindedly - instead deciding to focus on the boy lazing on the deck chair. 

James didn’t think he’d ever seen Regulus quite so relaxed, but then again, this phrase was feeling rather common at this point. He was unwinding further by the day.

Regulus was laid back on the chair, one leg bent, and one arm resting upon his forehead. The soft breeze from the shore blew his hair to the left every few seconds.

It wasn’t often that James captured the opportunity to study Regulus, not when he kept himself so tightly locked up and shielded. But the opportunity was there now and James allowed himself to take it. 

The sun had brought out Regulus’ freckles, many of them were littered over his nose and cheeks - there had only been a few of them when they were in London. His eyelashes were the culprit for the shadows under his closed eyes. There were a few out of place hairs, from where Regulus’ eyebrows were slightly overgrown. James’ eyes also caught on a scarred white line, he hadn’t noticed it before. It was just under Regulus’ eye, it faded gradually the further it went over his cheek. 

In the distance, he could see Remus and Sirius wreaking havoc along the beach somewhere (the latter more so). Their laughter drifted through his ears like a happy memory on replay.

James’ heart felt like it was flying a thousand metres in the air, so light and full of life. It was almost too good to be true.

He wished he could freeze the picture and save it from the funny tricks of time.

“You’re staring.” 

“Your eyes are closed.” 

“They are.”

“So how did you know?”

“Because you just admitted it.” 

“Alright then, clever clogs.” He grinned, “But how can you blame me? I mean, look at you.”

Regulus rolled his eyes and recited back to his previous position.

James hummed, an idea suddenly making him smile. He jumped up, finishing off his cone, and pulled Regulus up by his stray arm.

“Hey!” He complained, “What on earth are you doing?”

“Come on, let's get in the sea.” James bounced excitedly, much like a child wanting their parent to play a game with them.

Regulus looked around for a moment, seemingly as if he’d forgotten they were at the beach at all, “No.”

“Come onnn- Why not?”

He struggled to find a response, “Somebody might steal the bags.”

“Don’t be silly, we’ll see anybody from the water.”

“Oh that's fine then! We get the generous option to watch them take our stuff.” Regulus huffed.

“I’ll catch them. I’m like a whippet, you should see me out on the field.” He laughed, “Trust me, nobody’s nicking the bags.”

“I’m fine here.”

James yawned slowly, “Well you’d be missing out on a lot of fun..”

“That’s fine.”

James began to lift the bottom of his shirt up, rather sensually if you asked someone, and pulled it over his head - revealing a rather fit torso.

He made sure to watch how Regulus’ eyes glazed over every inch of his tanned skin - he thrived, knowing he under his sight. He always had had a bit of an ego.

Regulus' subtleness went out the window along with his sanity as he failed to keep his eyes away. 

“See something you like, sweetheart?”

Regulus scowled, though the pink on his cheeks took away any sense of threat, “What exactly are you trying to do?”

“Oh nothing.. But it would be great to have a certain someone in the water with me.” James easily lathered sun lotion over his chest and arms. “Wouldn’t want your view to be taken away, surely?”

“You are insufferable.”

“Does that mean you’ll get in the sea with me?”

“No.”

He groaned, “Come on! You’ll end up getting a t-shirt tan line, you haven’t taken it off all holiday!”

Regulus raised his eyebrow, “Oh so this all a fix to see me shirtless?”

James was grinning playfully, “And so what if it is?”

There was a look on the boy's face, James would have described it as grief. Loss was lingering in the air. 

But perhaps it wasn’t loss. Maybe it was hope? 

Whatever it was, a new darkness was upon them.

“Maybe next time.” Regulus said finally, his eyes looked heavy as he turned away - facing the other side. 

James was struck with the awful realisation that he had said the wrong thing. “Did I say something wrong?” He asked.

“No.” He sighed tiredly.

“I wasn’t meaning that I expected you to take your shirt off or anything, I was just– Being stupid as always. I just thought we could.. splash around or something.”

“It’s fine, James, I know.” 

He stared hopelessly at the black curls that hung in perfect ringlets, he itched to run his hands through them. However, considering the circumstances, he chose against it. 

Deciding to approach from a new angle, he couldn’t leave things on a bad note in case it didn’t return to normal.

He’d noticed that about Regulus, after a negative encounter with somebody, it took him a long time to build up to normality with that person.

“Why don’t we walk along the shore?” James asked, “We can just dip our feet in.”

There was silence for a few moments, “Just our feet?”

“Just our feet.” James smiled easily. He made sure to mentally take note of Regulus' uneasiness surrounding his shirt.

REGULUS

The clapping of the waves lapped at his feet as they strode along. He dogged any sharp-looking pebbles, though still somehow stabbed his toes on a few. 

A few splashes of water hit his elbow, pulling his attention towards the portal of the sea.

“Do you ever think about what it would be like?” Regulus asked, “To be completely alone in the middle of the ocean?”

“Can’t say it’s ever crossed my mind.” He chuckled lightly, “I think it would be frightening, being so far away from civilization, especially in the dark.” James shivered and shook his shoulders, “Actually makes my stomach drop at the thought of it!”

Regulus never tore his gaze away from the horizon, “It would be a nice place to die.”

Whatever James’ reaction was to that, he didn’t know, he wasn’t looking, but he did hear an extra breath. 

“You think so?” 

“Yeah.”

“Why’s that?”

His eyes followed the line where the sea ended, the variety of blues and whites were motionless. “It would be peaceful, quiet. Quick, but gradual.”

“Do you believe in the whole, life flashes before your eyes for seven minutes, thing?” James questioned.

“I do.” He nodded. “Even if it’s not true, it’s nice to believe there’ll be a sense of comfort in those last moments.”

“It seems quite sad to me.”

He shook his head, “Why be sad about it? It’s a summary of your life. The important parts. The bits and pieces that make you, you. I’d be happy to see that.”

He hummed, “What do you think would be in your seven minutes?”

Regulus thought about this.

“A firework display I saw when I was seven.” He said, “It was the first time I could see fireworks in person and not cry.”

“Why would you cry?”

“The noise was too loud. My- My papa had brought me ear defending earmuffs the day before. And it was like.. A whole new world. I was able to experience life without sound - the firework display was the first time I could truly enjoy the world for what it was.” He brought his eyes down to the sand, “It was also a moment of normality, I could watch the colours in the air the same way Sirius did. The same way every child did.”

Regulus avoided his gaze as they continued along the sand.

“That’s beautiful,” He could hear the smile in James’ voice. “Do you still enjoy fireworks? I don’t recall them being on your list.”

“I’ve never liked fireworks.”

James laughed at this. Regulus might have suppressed a smile.

“I also think,” Regulus started. “That day I met you would be in my seven minutes.”

“I think it would be in my seven minutes too.” 

Regulus

I need you to come and see me when I'm back.

SIRIUS

He watched his brother and James from a distance. They’d almost walked the entire shore, evidently engrossed in their conversation.

Not many would see it, but he could, Regulus was infatuated with James Potter.

There was a little awkward side step from Regulus after every few moments. James seemed to be rubbing his neck after every sentence.

“I don’t think I've ever seen James like this.” Remus interrupted his thoughts.

Sirius laughed, “Seen him what? Totally head over heels for someone?” 

“Nope. Never had it this bad.” Remus bounced the beach ball with a grin. “You’re alright with them together?”

“How can I not be?” He watched the two of them again - they had reached the end of the beach and their distanced small figures were now making their way back. “Look at them. He makes my little brother happy. And I know he will continue to do so, for years to come.”

Remus looked at him, taking his sunglasses off. “The two of you aren’t ever going to feel alone again, you know that right?”

He nodded.

“Trust me, when we get back, you’re going to meet all our friends. I know you’ll fit in. I feel like you’re the part we’ve been missing.”

“God.” Sirius coughed, laughing to hide the happiness welling in his eyes. “How many friends do you have?”

“Many!”

“Tell me about them.”

“We’ve got Lily, Mary.. Pete! You’ll love Peter. And Marlene!”

Sirius watched him speak as he named all the best people in his life. People that were potentially going to be the best of his own, too. 

He’d craved friends all his life. 

He was going to get them. 

He has them. 

Sirius wanted to capture every minute. The feeling in it. He wanted to look back at this moment in a year's time and compare it. Compare the feelings. Compare all the wonderful differences.

He wondered if this time next year he’d be with Remus. With James. With Peter. With Lily, Marlene, Mary. 

ORION

He walked the familiar streets of Kensington, swinging his car keys on each of his fingers.

He didn’t know why he chose not to park his car outside the house, he usually did, every time he came here. Perhaps he wanted to take a walk down memory lane, literally.

He remembered this being the place he’d stay when his parents decided on a long weekend away to London, when he was little.

Orion rounded the corner that led him to 12 Grimmauld Place, he tapped his fingers in time to the stupid tune that had been stuck in his head for the last four days.

His parents had originally owned the house - they’d gifted it to him when he was eighteen, Sirius had just been born. 

When they moved to London, Orion didn't want to live in the house. It might have been because he was afraid. He was afraid that the distance in the house would mirror itself onto him and his boys. 

Families just seemed to be so much further apart in big houses. It wasn’t something he wanted to risk, so he brought a smaller home, along the streets of Hampstead. It was much more fitted. 

He pushed the spare key into the lock, twisting it firmly, the lock clicked. He opened the door to the eerily quiet house - wishing there was sound. Orion would have given anything in that moment to hear the surprise and joy of his two boys running to the door. 

He’d decided it was best to come and collect his spare laptop while Sirius and Regulus were away in Menorca, he didn’t want to cause any intrusion. 

His shoe caught on a thick envelope as he was shutting the door. It must have been posted through at some point during the beginning of the week, there was a thin layer of dust on the top. 

REGULUS A. BLACK

Orion placed the small pack on the counter, his eyes examined the logo at the top corner of the envelope. It was of two blue birds and some sort of green bush behind them and an apparent company:

BEAUTIFUL LINES

He walked the stairs to the storage room, where he found his old laptop. The box was coated with dust. He quietly scolded Sirius for his awful cleaning abilities. Honestly, it didn’t seem as if this room had ever been touched, let alone cleaned. 

As he walked back to the car, laptop in hand, he couldn’t help the ache in his chest as he felt an overwhelming feeling of being alone. 

JAMES

The stars were out. James examined the sky - he’d never been able to make out constellations but sometimes he checked, just in case they ever magically appeared in front of him.

They’d all been out for dinner an hour prior. Regulus didn’t eat much. James guessed that was because of the amount of people in the restaurant. 

Sirius was in Remus’ apartment, likely doing the devil's tango. 

Regulus stayed with James.

So there they each sat, moon bathing on their balcony sunbeds.

Conversation had been bouncing back and forth lightly between the two of them, though Regulus’ answers had been short, quiet.

He allowed the silence to form after a few more blunt responses, after getting the impression that conversation seemed to be a bit too much at this moment.

James watched the stars as he debated the best way to ask what was wrong. He also tried figuring out all the possibilities.

“Are we going to have sex?” Regulus’ voice startled him, and his question startled him further.

James laughed at the pure unexpectedness of the situation. “What– Where’s this come from?”

He shrugged his shoulders as he rubbed the backs of his hands together. “I was just wondering.”

He found himself completely unprepared for a conversation of this nature as he fumbled over his words, “We– Well, yeah. I mean like– of course we can. I certainly wouldn’t be opposed.” 

“When?”

“When?”

“When will we have sex?”

“When will we– Er– You know, whenever. Whenever we fancy it.” James was flustered. Which was unusual for him. Being faced with questions like these put into the bluntest manner hadn’t had the best effect. 

Regulus nodded, his face showed no expression. 

“Is sex something you’d like to do together? At some point?” James asked quietly, testing the water.

He shrugged his shoulders - not giving much away. “It’s what couples do.”

“Not all couples, some don’t. It’s not a mandatory part of a relationship.”

“It’s not?”

“Course not.”

“Oh.” Regulus’ hands were still rubbing against each other, “Have you had sex before?” He asked.

“Yeah, in my past relationships, I have.” James answered. “Have you?”

There was a few minutes of silence, he hadn’t actually thought Regulus would reply at all after the first minute.

“I don’t know.” He said. “I haven’t been in a relationship before, i don’t know if i'm doing it wrong.”

He wasn’t sure what to think of that.

“You’re not doing anything wrong, Reg.” He smiled.

SIRIUS

 Sirius stared at the ceiling, his hair was monstrous, a sweaty mess around his head. The sound of water running in the bathroom echoed through the tiny apartment - Remus was cleaning up. 

He didn’t think he’d ever be able to hear water running again, not without thinking of that dreaded day.

A notification caught his attention, dragging him away from pursuing the dread any further. 

You have new memories: One Year Ago Today

Sirius huffed a small laugh at the coincidence, considering what he’d been thinking about earlier, on the beach.

He couldn’t even remember what happened last year. So many life altering events had happened in such a short amount of time. It didn’t seem possible for there to ever be a before.

That didn’t stop him from viewing the memories.

There were loads of pictures. Evidently, Sirius had used his phone a lot more than he’d thought. Some pictures didn’t even have a meaning. There were some certain ones he paused on.

Regulus had fallen asleep on the sofa, his mouth wide open, his curls a mess. Sirius rolled over, unable to contain the grin on his face. He zoomed in on the background as he didn’t recognise it as Grimmauld Place.

Eventually, it dawned on him. This time last year, he hadn’t even moved out yet, they were still living in Hampstead at this point. He couldn’t explain his heart sinking further at the realisation. 

This only emphasised just how long time had felt and how short it had actually been. 

As he stopped on another photo, he remembered that their father hadn’t even left for New York yet, this time last year. He wished he’d never left at all.

Sirius had snapped a family photo of the three of them. He couldn’t make out where they actually were. Regulus’ head was resting on their fathers shoulder. Touch had come easy back then.

Sirius wished he’d never taken it for granted. He swore he never would again. 

The final photograph he stopped on was the day they had gone to some sort of summer fair. Regulus was holding a massive teddy bear in his arms - he’d won it in some sort of ball throwing game. His expression was totally unbothered by the size.

Sirius couldn’t stop laughing.

Remus was grinning as he appeared from the bathroom, “What are we laughing about?”

BEAUTIFUL LINES

Beautiful Lines allows people to receive a gentle and peaceful passing.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

SIRIUS

The air felt lighter that day.

He didn’t wake up with a force on his chest, too great to breathe. 

Sirius looked at the window, his eyes half lidded, and smiled. 

Regulus was rolling and unrolling his clothes, packing, repacking, insisting that it didn’t fit correctly. He’d probably have a heart attack if he saw Sirius’ case. Besides the fact it wasn’t actually packed yet, his plan was to just chuck it all in - it would get washed and ironed at home anyway.

“How many different ways have you folded that shirt?” Sirius spoke, with his legs propped up and his arms crossed.

“Shut up.”

“Alright, moody.” He teased, “What are we doing? Last day before we return to the concrete city.”

Regulus shrugged, “Anything.”

He hummed, mildly in annoyance, he always hated answers like that but this was Regulus, so answers like this were to be expected.

“I was thinking-” Sirius started.

“That must’ve been difficult.”

“I was thinking.” He repeated, “About asking dad to pick us up from the airport tomorrow?”

There was a pause. 

“Ok.”

Sirius let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “I’ll shoot him a text in a bit then.” He smiled. Regulus didn’t return it. 

He sighed as he studied his younger brother's face, which had rapidly gone from focused to miserable. “You know i just want things to be okay again. Him driving us will give us an opportunity that isn’t.. forced.”

“How are things going to be okay again?” He smiled sadly. Sirius’ stomach fell a bit at the sight. That spiteful bite wasn’t in his language, there was no scowl.

It was a brutal, honest, and naked question.

“By.. talking.” Sirius looked around the room hopelessly, as if something would give him an answer. “We know the truth now, yes, the whole situation was wrong but there was somewhat a reasoning behind it. You know that. So I suggest the best thing going forward is… acceptance.” He felt awfully like some sort of motivational speaker.

“Acceptance?” He copied, face void of any expression.

“Yes. Acceptance. They love you, both of them. And we can go on as a family again.” Sirius didn’t know what to say.

It was hypocritical, there was no promise to say that Sirius would simply accept the situation, had it been him in Regulus’ place. So who was he to speak of this acceptance bullshit? “Maybe even closer than before. There's so much opportunity with Alphard.” He tried.

Regulus nodded silently, finally just placing the creased shirt into the suitcase, without his previous perfectionism.

Time went by, the dreaded silence lingered between the two of them. Regulus’ slightly more aggressive packing was the only sound echoing throughout the apartment.

“Alphard messaged a few days ago. He let me know more about the private therapist. She sounds good, promising.” Sirius said.

There was no acknowledgement.

“She specialises in- your struggles.” 

There was a laugh at that, though the humour lacked.

“I was thinking we could meet her this week?”

No response.

“Regulus?”

“I don’t exactly have a choice in the matter, do i?” Regulus muttered, stuffing a pair of sandals in the case. 

“Reg, of course you d–”

“Seems to be a running theme, doesn't it? Me not having a choice.” And with that, he left the room.

Five minutes. 

Five minutes Sirius remained on the bed for. Contemplating what he should do about this. What the best approach would be.

He found Regulus on the balcony, watching the people walking by.

“You do have a choice, Regulus,” He stated, coming to stand beside him. “I just want you to have the help you need, as quickly as possible.”

He nodded, expressionlessly.

“And you can talk to Alphard too. He understands. He knows how you’re thinking and feeling.” He pushed, “That’ll make it easier won’t it? Having a familiar face.”

“No, Sirius it wont.” He sighed, “It’s one thing having a professional pick and prod at me. And it’s another thing having everything laid bare to one of the closest people to me. You think I want him to hear all the embarrassing details? And have him look at me in pity every time I see him?”

“I know you don’t. I know you don’t want to talk about it at all.” He strained, “But you need to push yourself, not too much, but it’s a part of the process. Over time, you will get there. Alphard did. So many survivors do.”

Regulus shook his head, his breath came out ragged, “I can’t do it.” He said. “I can’t be one of those people. I can’t even say the word. How am I meant to talk about it?”

His heart hurt for his brother. It ached. It burned. He would do anything to take all the pain away.

“You’re not going to be thrown in the deep end, Reg. There’ll be steps in place. You don’t have to talk about it straight away. It starts with the small stuff.”

Regulus rubbed at his nose.

“I believe in you, Regulus. We all do.”

REMUS

“Have you packed yet?” James asked, trudging into the room.

He rolled his eyes, “Is it not obvious? My case is by the door, ready to go.” He replied.

“Really? We don’t leave until tomorrow! I thought you just stored it there.”

“It’s always good to be prepared.” Remus flicked a page of his book.

James mumbled something, flopping down on the bed and groaning at the impact. “What’d you think lifes going to be like when we’re back in London?”

Remus looked up from his book, “I think it’s going to be good.”

“Yeah, me too.”

The two of them let the realisation sink in and they equally ravished in it.

“How are you and Regulus going?” 

James laughed, “Really good.”

Remus smiled.

“It’s just crazy. Comparing him to how he was when I first met him.. It’s just..” He had a motion with his hands, “It just never seemed possible.”

“I remember you telling me about him, seemed like a right moody little shit.”

“Oh he was.” James recalled, his eyes were replaying those days. “I thought he was the saddest person i had ever met, when i glimpsed him staring out the window.”

“And look at what you’ve done for him. What you’ve done for both of them.”

“Yeah and you! Look at you and Sirius, the both of you are perfect for eachother. He needed that, somebody to love him.” 

“And a best friend.” Remus pointed out with a grin. “Potential brother in law…”

James chucked the nearest book at him.

REGULUS

He stood in the gardens of the hotel, observing.

Regulus watched families, mum’s holding babies, dads holding toddlers, grandparents holding hands. He watched little kids running around with so much joy. So unknowing of what life held for them.

Some of these kids might become lawyers, politicians, artists, cashiers, waiters, professors, teachers, robbers, murderers, criminals. 

Regulus tried to imagine his attackers as one of these little kids, on holiday with their mum and dad.
Running around, hopeful. With so much opportunity. So many chances. 

Now their lives have merely been reduced to waste. And for what? 

One night of fun ?

One ruined life ?

He watched couples in each other's arms. Kissing and hugging. So young and in love. 

It made him angry. It came so easily to them.

No amount of therapy would be able to allow Regulus to touch again. It wasn’t plausible.

The only time touch came to him was in his dreams. 

He dreamt of a life he wanted. Where he wasn’t tormented. 

A life where he could kiss with passion. With James.

A life where he could crawl into a bed beside James and touch in the way couples did.

Even if one day, things did change, it would never be to the extent he wanted. He wanted it back to normal - not that he was ever normal in the first place - but as normal as normal could be. 

Maybe he had been spoiled all his life and this is how his habit of things having to be his way or no way had come along.

But he didn’t care how he was perceived anymore. He was far, far past caring about anything now.

There was a crash from behind him, startling him from his thoughts, he turned to see James sheepishly picking up some plastic cups from the floor.

Regulus rolled his eyes, “The familiar sound of James Potter making an entrance.”

“I didn’t see it!”

“Mhm.”

He finished clearing up his troubles and made his way to Regulus’ side. 

James rubbed his hands together, “Last day today.”

“Yep.”

“Has Menorca lived up to what I told you?” He grinned.

“It certainly has. I wouldn’t have rathered my holiday anywhere else.”

“With hearing that, I hope you’ll allow me to give you one last memory here, on the island?” 

“Are you trying to ask me out?” Regulus raised a brow.

He smirked, “I most definitely am.” 

He rolled his eyes, “Go on then, where are you trying to take me?”

“Let me take you to dinner tonight. Just me and you.” James proposed.

“Alright.” Regulus inwardly cringed at his poor attempt to sound casual. ‘Alright’ had never been in his dictionary until he’d met James and Remus. It sounded fine when they said it, but forced when he tried. He hated to admit that he’d actually spent a few minutes in the bathroom, on multiple occasions, practising words he wasn’t used to. 

“What’d you say.. Six pm, I'll meet you at your apartment?” 

“Yes.”

Barty

When r u back x

JAMES

The evening came quick. The sky darkened and the moon replaced the sun. James had always thought the moon more a romantic.

He’d dressed himself in his best shirt, white and crisply ironed, with some black shorts. 

James fully intended on this night being the one. One for the archives. One they’d look back on in years to come. He would make this perfect. 

He jogged up the stairs to the brothers’ door and before he’d even had the chance to knock - Sirius opened it, startling him.

He wore a look of exaggerated suspicion, “We need to make some ground rules here, James.”

“We do?”

“Number one, you will have my brother back by midnight.”

James held his thumb up, “I can do that.”

“Number two, under no circumstances will either of you touch a cocktail.”

James broke into laughter.

“Sirius! Stop!” Regulus appeared from behind him, trying to see over his brother's arm.

“And number three, I expect you both to get a taxi to and from the restaurant.” Sirius stated, as a matter of factly, “You know, to avoid the obvious, falling into a ditch situation. Which apparently, the two of you are prone to.”

Regulus groaned, pushing past the arm.

James caught the chance to get a look at him, he was dressed pristinely in a navy shirt. He ached to discover what was beneath it. The patterns on his body. The dimples, The freckles. He wanted to be introduced to it all.

He would’ve forgotten where he was if he’d kept staring.

“Where will you be?” Regulus questioned.

“With Remus, we’re staying in tonight.” He reassured, rubbing his shoulder just the slightest. 

He nodded as he began walking down the steps.

James held a hand out to wave at Sirius.

“I love you!” Sirius shouted.

Regulus turned to scowl, his cheeks pinkening the slightest. “I love you too.” He muttered.

They arrived at a restaurant James had viewed online, it offered a variety of cuisines - he knew there was a higher chance Regulus would be able to pick something he’d like that way. He also made sure it wouldn’t be busy, high amounts of people usually made situations more difficult.

“This place is nice.” Regulus said, looking around as the waiter led them to their table. 

They were sitting in a little outdoor section that reminded James a lot of a rainforest. Each table had a straw umbrella and woven chairs. Most of the view was seen by the streetlights that lit up the roads below them - not much light came from the restaurant itself - beside the few amount of table candles.

“What are you fancying?” James asked, his eyes skimming the menu.

“What are you having?” 

“Hmm. The spaghetti bolognese sounds nice.” He looked at the small image of spaghetti bolognese rather than the little information slot. “Always love taste testing them in different countries to see the difference.”

“I’ll have it too.” He said, rubbing the backs of his hands together. Regulus opened and closed his mouth a few times. James waited before he said anything. “Do you think you could ask for it separately?” 

“The two meals separately?” He wondered.

“No, my meal separately. The pasta and the sauce not touching each other.”

James nodded, “Yeah sure.”

When the waiter came back, James ordered their non-alcoholic drinks and two spaghetti bolognese - one without the pasta and sauce touching. He did have to explain twice, once to the waiter and again to the chef. Eventually they understood.

“Thank you.” Regulus said.

“It’s no problem.” He grinned, taking a sip of his coke. “So, you looking forward to being at home again?”

“No.”

“Because of the therapy?”

“Yes. Sirius was talking about it earlier.”

“What part of it are you worrying about?”

Regulus studied his lemonade glass intensely. “Talking.”

“I understand.”

“You do?”

“I do. A few years back, my family’s house got broken into. The guys had all sorts of weapons on them, me and my mum were held hostage downstairs, they made my dad show them where all the valuables were.” James took a deep breath, a slight laugh, to ease the tension building up in him, “It was the scariest night of my life. I was so terrified that my life, or my mum or dad, would be taken.”

Regulus was looking at him, “Were you all safe?”

“Thankfully, we were. But there were lasting effects - which are to be expected.” He spoke, “I struggled leaving the house and going to school for months. I was so scared someone would break in while I wasn't there and my parents would be unsafe. And scared that someone would hurt me in the street.”

He blew out a breath, “I was just constantly fearing for my life. Whenever someone was too close, I was convinced they had a weapon on them. That their ‘gang’ would come after us.”

“What did you do?” Regulus asked, “To help being scared.”

“Mum and dad tried all sorts of help, I was under CAMHS for a while, but they didn’t really seem to help at all, it was like they were focused on the wrong things.”

He chuckled lightly, “We went private and they assigned me a temporary emotional support dog. In a way, I had a form of protection, safety and a happy little distraction.”

“Did it help?”

“Yeah, it did. I started hanging out with my mates again, playing football again. My little dog was my saviour.”

“Did you name it?”

“She was called Paws.” He grinned. “I had intense therapy alongside the support dog, and I was shitting it.”

“You were?” Regulus asked quietly, his arms were folded.

“I was. I dreaded the idea of having to tell this therapist all about the inside and outsides of my fears. Honestly, I think it was hard to admit my emotions to myself, let alone having to admit them to someone else.”

“Was it scary?”

“At first it was. But it did get easier. And talking about it allowed me to accept. It gave me peace of mind.” James smiled.

“Are you ever still scared of things?”

“Not really. I still get those moments every once in a while when strangers are in close proximity to me, but I'm doing well.” 

Regulus looked down at the table, “I’m glad you’re okay now.”

“And you will be too.” He promised, “It’s always going to be scary but the outcome is so worth it.” James reached to hold his hands under the table.

The waiter brought two plates over shortly, Regulus’ plate had a small pot of bolognese sauce on the side.

The beach was breezy, the sea was calm.

Side by side, and hand in hand, they strolled leisurely.

“Thank you for tonight, Reg. I couldn’t have wanted anything more.”

Regulus nodded slowly, “And thank you.”

James laughed into the open, at all the possibilities their future held together. The joy was almost overwhelming. 

“Oh Reg, I can't wait for you to meet my family.”

There was a pause. James hadn’t thought much of it at first.

“We can’t be together, James.”

It felt laughable, “What? What do you mean?”

He didn’t respond. They stood still, motionless in the sand. The waves crashing behind them.

“Can you look at me, Regulus? Please.”

“I can’t live like this.”

“Reg– just–”

“Listen. This. Tonight. Being with you, is the most wonderful thing you could have ever done for me.” Regulus’ eyes were shining now. “But I need it to end here.” He inhaled deeply, speaking through clenched teeth as though it physically pained him, “No more pain and exhaustion. And waking up every morning wishing it was over. When October starts. I am going to Switzerlan–”

James shook his head. Sick information was plaguing his every sense, “You can’t. You can’t do that. You said you would do therapy.” He said, weakly.

“James, it's not going to get better than this. I know it isn't.” Regulus coughed, “It’s torture. It’s torture for me. I cannot promise you a future, one of which would be spent with you enduring my torment. I can’t do what boyfriends do. I can’t touch you. I can’t touch myself. I cannot think of you in the way I want to. What kind of partner would I be?”

His world was crumbling. 

Falling apart. Shattering. Right here on the sand. On this beach.

“You would be my partner.” James choked, “I thought that I was changing your mind.”

“Nothing was ever going to change my mind. I promised my brother seven months. And that is what I will give him.”

“No.” He breathed, “Don’t say another word.” He wiped at his face harshly, taking a few stumbled steps backwards. “You’re so selfish. I wish I had never taken this stupid job. I wish I had never met you.” 

He spun around, walking away without a glance back.

Any commotion around him was a blur.

All these people walking the streets were completely oblivious to the fact that his heart, his insides had just been torn from him, in cold blood.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

REMUS

They rode in separate taxis to Mahon Airport. 

Remus had fought James, being thoroughly against the idea, he was desperate to spend as much time as possible with Sirius. 

However, James was unmoving in his decision. They were in the taxi before the two brothers had even left their hotel apartments. James mumbled a poor excuse that the early taxi, he’d booked, was merely an ‘accident’. 

Remus admired the beauty of the scenery on the drive back. He wanted to ensure he captured every moment on this island. Going abroad was a luxury, one he hadn’t had the privilege of experiencing many times. So he refused to let it go to waste. 

He peered over at his friend, James was watching the views fly by with much less interest than him. He had been in low spirits since they’d woken up at four in the morning to leave, Remus had thought this particularly unusual - considering James had always been a morning person. 

“What’s happened?” He asked. “James?” He spoke again, louder this time to gain his attention.

He jumped slightly, shaking his head. “Nothing.”

“Something’s happened, look at you.”

“Nothing has happened, Remus.” He replied, tiredly.

He wondered then if he had been mistaken, and James was just tired after all.
Remus nodded, dropping it and bringing his eyes back to the passings of greenery and hills. 

The drive seemed to drag on longer than it had two weeks ago, on the way there. He couldn’t help but think the excitement and more specifically Sirius had helped shorten the ride. With his constant chatter and humour. 

For the past few weeks, Remus had felt he was living a fairytale. Everything was just too good to be true.

“Do you want to sit with Regulus on the plane?” Remus asked absentmindedly as he daydreamed of the fun he could have sitting next to Sirius, on the way home. 

“No, that’s alright.”

He frowned at the tone, “Why not?”

James shrugged, with an expression of annoyance, “Because I don't want to.”

He hesitated, “Did.. Something happen last night?” 

He watched James carefully, he was briefly aware of the airport sign coming into view.

“What do you think?” He let out a huff of feigned laughter.

“Are you going to tell me about it?” 

“Later.” James waved off, he began to unclip his seatbelt as the car pulled to a halt.

They thanked and paid the driver in euros. 

“Are we waiting for them here?”

James hesitated, “We can just meet them after we’ve been through security, quicker for everyone.” He justified, pulling his suitcase towards the airport entrance.

Remus failed to see how this made it any quicker, but nevertheless, followed him through. He pulled his phone out his back pocket to quickly let Sirius know they would already be inside. 

He pushed the ill feeling in his gut aside as he prepared his passport for check in. 

SIRIUS

The sun was torturous against his eyes. He could not possibly imagine living in this climate full time. 

Neither of them had gotten any sleep last night. 

Regulus arrived dull and agitated from his date, there was not even a hint of the glow that had been there before. He’d tried to figure out what the matter was but Sirius knew better than to push on at him.