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Chapter Text

By the time Sirius Black was 5 years old, he had learned to handle pain. He did not cry out, partly to avoid punishment and partly because even at a young age he had learned to grit his teeth and refuse to give his parents the satisfaction.

Which is why, when he woke up to searing pain and an overpowering sense of terror in the dead of the night - he was able to stay quiet. Before consciousness had fully come he already had his face buried into his pillow, biting into the fabric while tears formed and he shook. 

Eventually he was able to calm down enough to limp to his desk and flick on the lamp - the light soft enough to not attract attention. He pulled down his pyjama pants to look at his hip. In the warm glow, the jagged bite mark seemed to dance like fire, golden rippling across his skin. It took up his entire hip, and he shuddered to imagine the massive creature that must have made it. He nearly threw up in horror and wondered if he'd know if his soulmate had died.

After allowing himself the dangerous luxury of shedding silent tears, he wiped his face and turned off the lamp before sneaking into his brother's bedroom.  They had a pact - when one had a nightmare, they could go to the other. No questions would be asked, just silent companionship in the grim house. 

—

The marks were a simple reality of life. To us, they would seem terribly strange - every time your soulmate was injured, the mark would show on your skin in a brilliant display of gold. No explanation for this had ever been found, and it occurred in both the magical and muggle world. 

The gold mark would match the injury, healing as they did. Bruises would bloom and fade, small cuts would flare then heal, scars would stay but change with the healing process and settle in time. It made it quite difficult to keep the magical world a secret, as sometimes a muggle or muggle born would have soul marks that vanished impossibly fast. The Ministry of Magic had needed to set up a department that worked within the muggle world - doctors were trained to refer people with oddly behaving soul marks to this department, unaware it was tied to the magical community. 

This was how a certain Lily Evans had both discovered the existence of magic, beyond her friend Sev, and that her soulmate was most likely a witch or wizard. But this is not her story.

Remus Lupin had not needed this explanation, as his father was a wizard. When his skin had flared with marks that were then erased rapidly, his mother had started telling him stories about her own experience. How she had first known something was strange as a young girl when the golden scratches of scraped knees had vanished before she could show her sister. 

Remus enjoyed the stories for a few months. Something about the marks that blasted onto his skin felt wrong, but he supposed any injury would. 

Then, the bite. 

His father had made a stupid, heartless comment and a werewolf took the rage out on Lyall's 4 year old son.

It had been agony and terror, he thought he'd been ripped in half. St Mungo's was a nightmare, the healers reluctant to treat a werewolf bite and delaying even giving him a potion for pain or dreamless sleep. It had felt like an eternity of his mother holding him in her arms, sobbing while cooing empty reassurances while his father shouted at healers. 

He ended up unconscious for a few days, then on strong potions that made him too woozy to string a thought together. Then the bandages covered the wound and he wasn't able to see it.

After getting home, he finally looked at the bite mark for the first time. It was angry and ragged and took up nearly his entire hip area. One of the teeth had managed to nip his groin, thankfully not doing damage to the appendage there but terrible to see nonetheless.

He didn't know what happened to massive scars as he grew. Would it stay the same size, appearing to shrink as he got larger? Would it stretch with him? 

There was a round, golden mark on his shin - a bruise, his soulmate tended to let those heal on their own for some reason - and his heart sank at the reminder. He ran a hand over the tender skin on his hip and started crying that he was sorry, so sorry that whoever was on the end had to be stuck with this broken wreck.

—

Sirius had nearly made it to Hogwarts without his parents noticing the soul marks.  It was something of a miracle, really, considering the amount of times they blasted him with some curse or another then healed it to hide the damage. In a deeply twisted way he even felt grateful that they focused on his arms and hands and face and neck - most of the scars showed up on his abdomen and legs. The smaller cuts healed before they were noticed, or maybe just didn't warrant attention.

The Black children had been taught since they could speak that the marks were meaningless. They were the heirs to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. They had a duty to make favorable, pure blood matches and produce heirs of high quality breeding. Perhaps his parents simply ignored the marks on their children the way they ignored their own.

By the time Sirius was 7, he had figured out his soul mate was a werewolf. He knew this would incite a deeper disdain and rage from his parents than the typical marks and did his best to hide the fresh gold that splayed across his body the morning after every full moon.

Unfortunately, by the time he was 14 his cousin Cissy was already being courted by some prat from the Malfoy family. It was a grim reminder of Sirius's own fate. 

The Malfoy mansion had a massive, indoor bath they very much enjoyed using to entertain- flaunting their wealth and power at both the size of it and also the luxurious charms and potions that went into it.  It was a truly divine experience, not that a sullen 14 year old had any interest in it.

Unfortunately, this meant his usual demand to wear a top when swimming was dismissed. He had no excuse of protecting his alabaster skin from the sun. (An excuse Regulus hated, as it had meant Regulus was forced to wear the obscenely outdated swimsuits that covered their chest, arms, and legs as well.)

When he put his foot down and fought, his mother did what she always did - cursing him into agony. As he lay wrecked on the floor, she magically removed the offending swimsuit and began haughtily telling him to make himself presentable - about to toss him the clothing she had deemed suitable - when her eyes glanced over his body.

For the first time, she saw the jagged lines of gold that stretched across his chest and back and legs. The massive, damning bite mark that took up the lion's share of his hip.

Sirius had managed to turn his head to face her, intending to give a defiant glare, but the look on her face managed to strike true fear into his heart for the first time in a long time.

"Kreacher," she hissed, and the elf appeared next to her, bowing and professing his loyalty as always, "You are to take this child home - do not allow him to leave his bedroom. Do not heal his wounds. I shall make up an excuse with the Malfoys for why he left and decide how to deal with him later."

The elf was not cruel, a fact which Sirius was unable to appreciate as Kreacher was also forced to carry out his mistress's wishes. He put Sirius to bed and made him as comfortable as the bounds of Walburga's orders would allow him to. 

Sirius simply huddled under the blanket, in pain and feeling blood oozing from cursed wounds, terrified of his own fate.

—

For the next few weeks, Sirius was kept on house arrest and confined to his bedroom as much as possible. His mother never healed the curses she had cast, leaving him to endure the pain of his own body trying to patch itself together for the first time in his life. She spoke to him little and barely acknowledged his existence.

He wanted to be relieved, to sneer about how he'd wanted this for years. It made him tense and on edge, it was the first time his mother's fury had lasted. She seemed to be biding her time and he was nauseous to consider why.

The morning after the full moon, before breakfast he was summoned to the tapestry room. His parents were sitting there in separate arm chairs.

"Show me the new marks," Walburga said coldly. 

Sirius took as deep a breath as he dared, knowing that delaying would only make things worse. She had suspected and now wanted to see the proof. 

He didn't bother lying or delaying, taking off his shirt. His arms were covered with smaller cuts and scrapes, they'd be gone soon. Likely by lunchtime, based on his past experience. His soulmate clearly had someone magical to patch him up. There was also a rather nasty gash that clipped his collar bone. It might scar, it wasn't always clear.

Both his parents took in a sharp, hissing breath when they saw him.

"These have been appearing following the full moon each month then," Orion said, his voice emotionless and face like ice.

"I think so, papa, about the same time each month," he said quietly, pretending that he hadn't been religiously tracking the cycle of the moon.

Walburga pursed her lips, "You didn't tell us."

"No, maman," he said, managing to keep his voice calm even as the rage burned in his throat, "You told us these marks are of no consequence."

His mother narrowed her eyes before simply tutting and turning to her husband, as if Sirius were an object to be discussed. He grimaced and shivered slightly, but didn't feel like being cursed just for putting his damn shirt back on.

"This is a problem - our son has a half breed for a soul mate, we can't let that scandal get out," Orion said firmly, as if they were discussing a business transaction.

"With our family name we should still be able to find him a suitable match. Perhaps aim slightly lower - a family that will be too grateful to balk," Walburga suggested, "Regulus can make up for it. He's already the more obedient of the two, he'll make a far better husband."

Sirius bit his tongue until he tasted copper, preventing himself from snarling that he didn't want to be married off. That he and his brother weren't livestock to be auctioned off and bred for their own desires. That he would rather find this half breed and be with them than marry any of their pompous pureblood princesses. 

"Very well - we can also research how to remove the soulmarks, perhaps hide this shameful secret. It's hardly a reflection on our family that some accident has left our son harnessed to a monster," Orion agreed.

With that, he was dismissed to properly dress and go down for breakfast. Which was a blessing, as two seconds later and he would have started a screaming match that would likely have left him bedridden from curses until the Hogwarts Express.

—

A few months into his time at Hogwarts, Remus noticed that he hadn’t gotten any marks from his soulmate since the start of term. In the whirl of awe and overwhelm that was being at the school, of full moons clawing himself to ribbons in the shack, and nights in the hospital wing either to recover or make the timing less obvious - it took time to be noteworthy.

It was early in November when he noticed, the evening of Sirius's birthday. James had found out when it was and planned something elaborate because James Potter and Sirius Black had become inseparable and they'd already learned that everything about the way James showed love was big and bright. 

Thankfully it was in their dorm room, because Sirius had ended up crying. That was the first time he let them in about his parents' coldness, his birthday had always been a fairly somber affair focused on adults. 

That night, as Remus got changed into his pyjamas in the privacy of the bathroom, he looked at his body in the mirror and frowned to realize there hadn't been any new gold. That was probably a good thing, and again wished he could apologize properly to his soulmate for continuing to mar their bodies every month without fail. 

—

Sirius dreaded the winter holiday. He would have found a way to stay at Hogwarts, but Regulus was alone in that house and his stilted letters made it clear that his brother was being kept on a tight leash by their parents.

Regulus's birthday was over the holiday, as well. He couldn't bring himself to miss that. 

He managed to hold himself together on the train ride home, nestled into a compartment with the dorm mates who were already better friends than he had ever dreamed of having.  James and Peter had noticed the subject was a bit sore for both Sirius and Remus, and had stopped waxing poetic about their own families' warm traditions a week earlier. Instead they did their best to spread the cheer by drawing their two friends into off-key, holiday unrelated songs and telling jokes and moaning about the homework they'd been given to complete by the start of next term.

It was a welcome distraction and Sirius managed to fight the urge to cry again, awed by how understanding these boys could be. 

Remus spent the train ride tapping their knees together every time the dread started creeping into his chest. Remus was the quietest and most withdrawn of them, his only claim to fame that he was a good person to ask for help with homework, and Sirius didn't know what to make of him most of the time. Without fail, though, the whole train ride it was Remus who first noticed and knocked him out of his dark thoughts - and he deeply wished he'd have the chance to ask how before they had to say goodbye.

It would have to wait until the start of term, which felt impossibly far away.

—

Walburga had allowed Sirius an hour to unpack his things and get settled in. He had done his best to reach out to Regulus during this time, and his heart sank to see how withdrawn and bitter his younger brother had become without Sirius as a buffer. 

"They're furious you're in Gryffindor," the young boy muttered, "Digging their nails in to make sure I don't follow your path. Making sure I'll be the proper heir they desire. They used to be happy enough that I wasn't you - now I can't make any mistakes without being shrieked at or cursed."

They were both sat on Regulus's bed, and Sirius dug his fingers into the mattress as rage and helplessness filled him. He managed to calm himself, focus on needing to help his brother, and then he wrapped his arms around him.

"I'm sorry, you don't deserve any of that," Sirius said softly.

"If you'd just try to do better they wouldn't be so hard on me!" Regulus snapped, tears in his eyes as he shoved Sirius away and stormed out.

He slunk back to his bedroom, wondering why he'd even bothered to come back.

Not that he had long to wonder before his mother summoned him into the tapestry room. This time it was only her, his father apparently hadn't deemed it important enough. As usual, she sat regally in her arm chair as if it were a throne. As usual, Sirius stood and waited for her to address him. 

Unusual, though, was his pose. He stood tall, his head held high, a defiant jut to his chin. The months at school - being treated with respect and love, not facing daily abuse - had bolstered him. While he knew his parents could, and likely would, torture him - he also knew that in just under a month's time he would be on the train back to a place of joy and safety. 

Walburga noticed this and tensed her jaw.

"Boy - do you truly plan to stand there with your head held high after the shame you have brought on this family?" she asked quietly, her voice steady but laced with threat.

Sirius pressed his lips together for a moment, "I am getting excellent marks in my classes, maman, I believe my professors have told you."

"What use are top marks when you insist on being a disappointment at every turn?" she spat, and he felt his chest clench at the dismissal, "You allowed yourself to be sorted into Gryffindor! Housed with blood traitors and mudbloods! You have been told since infancy that our family has proudly, without fail been housed in Slytherin since the founding of the school!"

Despite himself, he winced. All of his cousins were Slytherin. Even Andy, who he suspected was least sympathetic to the family, had been sorted into the family.

"I cannot control the Sorting Hat, maman, it was out of my control." This was a lie and he prayed his mother didn't know it. The hat had been torn with him - the choice had been his. 

Walburga sneered, "Are you so stupid, boy? Or do you think me a fool? It is common knowledge that requests are listened to. You could have demanded the hat place you in Slytherin - by accepting its ruling, you made your choice."

"I'm sorry, maman, it happened too fast." Said through gritted teeth, he was losing his composure and she knew it. She was winning, not that Sirius had a chance in hell of doing anything but lose here. 

"You are a disgrace to the Black name," she snarled, "Too weak and feeble minded for the legacy you have been blessed with."

The curse hit hard. Initially he believed it was because it had been so long since he'd been injured like this. Aside from a few papercuts and stubbed toes, he had not been injured at Hogwarts. 

It would take him a few days to realize it was harsher than usual.  After a week he finally broke down and asked his mother if it could be healed.

"No, the mark stays," she had said airily, as if discussing a shirt he wasn't happy with, "Your body is already ruined - and that monster of yours ought to be grateful for a bit of gold on her skin with all those disgusting scars, it's likely the only gold she'll see in her lifetime."

His response to this resulted in another scar.

Chapter Text

Remus was alone in his room, unpacking his trunk and trying to get his bearings. While it was nice to have privacy again, it was also odd to be there after so long in the Gryffindor Dormitory. He had grown accustomed to being surrounded by red and gold. His room was comforting, soft carpets and pale blue walls, bookshelf and his own desk. 

He picked a book off his shelf, trying not to think about how strange it would be not to hear the soft breathing and snoring of three other boys that night, when he felt a sudden pain in his chest. It was as if he'd been punched and he stumbled back a step.

The sensation was sickeningly familiar and he quickly made his way to the bathroom to check in the mirror. Gold spiked across his chest, like someone had placed ink on his sternum and it had exploded out. He could feel his heart pounding and he splashed his face with cold water to calm himself down. 

He sat there for a long time, hand over the mark, staring at the tiled wall. It all but confirmed two suspicions he had 

1. His soulmate was in his year at Hogwarts 
2. His soulmate was in an abusive home

The first was a new suspicion, more a flight of fancy, when the marks stopped suddenly. The timing of this one appearing felt like it couldn't be coincidental. Not that it mattered, of course, he had decided long ago he would do his best to avoid his soulmate and protect them from being saddled with a werewolf. The flutter it brought to his chest, though, it felt nice and he couldn't bear to smother it. 

The second he had been suspecting for a long time. He wasn't allowed friends as a child, not really, it was too dangerous. ( He was too dangerous.) Instead he had books and had ended up reading at a fairly advanced level. 

The marks reminded him of the bruises and cuts and burns that children would get in some of the stories - doled out by wicked step parents, cruel teachers, and sometimes even parents. 

At least most of the marks were healed to the point of being removed, his soulmate wouldn't have to stare at them in the mirror for life. A few blasts of gold at the end of last summer had lingered, curiously, before fading with time and he had a slash of gold on his shoulder from that time as well.

The one on his chest was gruesome, but he was fairly confident it would be healed like the rest. 

A week later, it was still there and a slash of gold was added to his side.

It was wrong. It was getting worse. He punched his pillow, beating into it in helpless fury. Somewhere, there was a person, likely his own age, being hurt and that person was his soulmate and he couldn't do anything but add to the slashed up tapestry of scars every month. It wasn't fair .

He realized tears were streaming down his face once his nose had decided to join in.  He made his way to the bathroom to clean himself up and looked at the golden marks on his chest again.  There should have been some way to reach out, to let his soulmate they weren't alone and he cared and - 

He got an idea. It was probably stupid and reckless but it was all he had and in his 14 year old mind it was good. 

He slipped through the house to grab a knife and made it back to the bathroom without anyone noticing. He'd spent 10 years of monthly transformations, pain no longer phased him very much, and he cleaned the knife and before managing to carve the small outline of a heart over his own. It was within the blast radius of the vicious scar that had showed up on the first day of holiday. It would show up as golden on his soulmate's chest, hopefully stand as a reminder there was someone who cared. 

Madam Pomfrey would see it after the next full, right after he got back to Hogwarts. Hopefully by then it would be too late to remove it.

As he cleaned up and bandaged the wound, it struck him how ridiculous he had been. He just cut himself on purpose in the most childish display of affection. His stomach lurched and he realized his soulmate would probably think he was crazy. Well, at least it'd be another reason to avoid him - if his soulmate didn't want anything to do with him, then Remus wouldn't have to work so hard keeping away.

That evening he felt a sharp sting on his chest and when he changed the bandage, he saw a golden heart. It overlapped the one he'd made, so they were linked together. Carved just as shakily. 

It was the most beautiful thing on his body and that night he fell asleep with his hand resting on it.

—

The next full was the night before he was supposed to board the Hogwarts express. Dumbledore had arranged for Remus to floo in early to spend it in the shrieking shack and be treated there. 

This meant the morning after was quiet. No one else was in the hospital wing and the school only had a few trickles of students who had stayed over the holiday. Everyone else was boarding the train, but it would be the better part of the day until they arrived. He'd just tell his friends that his condition had flared up and his parents convinced Dumbledore by owl to let him floo in and spend the day in the hospital wing. It wasn't really a lie.

As expected, once she deemed him well enough, Madam Pomfrey sat down next to his hospital bed with a concerned look.

"Remus," she said softly, "I have noticed there is one new scar that was self-inflicted." He moved his hand to his chest, where the two hearts were laying, and she nodded, "Your mental well being is my concern as well as physical. Will you tell me what happened?"

Remus bit his lip and closed his eyes. He hadn't told anyone about his suspicions, and if he said the wrong thing she might force him to have it removed. Or tell his parents, he couldn't bear to have them worry - he put them through enough as it was.

"For as long as I can remember - I'd have gold marks show up and disappear. And I know that's normal for magic users - but…" he hesitated, "but they didn't look like normal injuries. They weren't, like, scrapes and bruises that kids get."

Madam Pomfrey nodded, her eyes flickering for a moment to his sternum before looking back at his eyes.

"But - they always got healed. I didn't have any lingering marks until last summer. And even that wasn't a lot, and they all healed except this one," he tapped the gold on his shoulder, "Then… they stopped."

She raised her eyebrows at this but said nothing. He hesitated again before continuing, "After I got to Hogwarts there weren't anymore. Then the first day back home…" he touched the center of his chest, the large blast of gold, "And I thought it would get healed, like they all did, but it didn't.  Then…" he touched the slash at his side, "and… I don't know who they are but someone's hurting them and it's getting worse and this was all I could think of to reach out."

Remus was crying now, arms crossed protectively over his chest. He didn't need to point out that the other heart had shown up, she'd know, and he didn't want to tell anyone how much it meant to him. 

The healer placed a comforting hand on his arm and let him finish crying before she spoke again, "I'm sorry, that's a great burden for anyone to bear - and you already have so much to carry."

"Sometimes, people with difficult burdens get so low that they hurt themselves on purpose - it can be hard to understand if you haven't experienced it - I needed to make sure that wasn't happening to you," she explained kindly.

He nodded, frowning in confusion. 

"If it does feel like too much, if you do feel like you need to hurt yourself, please know that I'm here. I can help you," she added, "Also, as your healer, I must insist you not continue injuring yourself. I understand why you chose to and the wound has healed well, but it is too dangerous and I will have to tell both your Head of House and your parents should you do it again."

He grimaced but accepted it. It was fair, anyways. 

She pulled out a potion, "Now you need your rest, so take this. It helps with the pain as well."

He nodded, pulling the blanket over himself and settling down to sleep.

—

Sirius was irritable. His mother made sending or receiving letters impossible, he'd warned his friends she would read them and asked them to please not put anything in them. 

This had earned a perplexed look from James and Peter and concern from Remus and he'd flushed with shame and anger when he explained that if she found out Remus had a muggle mother, or that they were Gryffindors, or basically anything she would take it out on him. 

After the tears on his birthday they at least accepted it and while this meant he wasn't punished for any letters, they were also infuriatingly impersonal and formal.

Which was fine, it was touching even, and he'd see them all on the train and catch up then.

Except Remus wasn't on the train. It was after his third time checking every single compartment that James finally dragged him into theirs. 

"You know he gets sick a lot, I'm sure he'll be on his way," James had reminded him, "Look - if he's not in the dorm I'll dig out the letters he sent me, okay? He's fine and was really eager to come back."

Peter added in his agreement, apologizing that he'd left all his letters in his room at home. 

It helped, sort of, while also irritating him further at how unfair it was that his friends could freely write Remus when Sirius couldn't.

For the most part, Sirius was able to relax for the rest of the journey. It was moodier this time, without Remus to catch them early he fell deeper into the darker thoughts and it took more effort for James and Peter to pull him out of it. It didn't help that last night had been the full moon, waking up to new marks and his mother's sneer. 

He managed about fifteen minutes into the welcome feast. Just long enough to eat before muttering that he was tired and storming out. He headed for the owlery instead of the dormitories - at least he could finally send a proper bloody letter.

' Remus -

Let me know you're not dead, okay? We missed you on the train. James and Peter said you'd been able to write them and seemed to be doing well. They think you're just sick again, probably right. Hope that means your holidays were decent. Get your arse back soon, yeh?

-S '

He was too agitated to read it over, hastily attaching it to an owl's leg and sending it off. He watched it disappear out the window and looked over the snow covered grounds. The Forbidden Forest looked somewhat beautiful, really, covered in snow and lit by the moonlight. He glanced at the moon and touched the heart shaped scars on his chest. 

There wasn't anything he could do for his soulmate, but he could damn well make sure his friends were safe.

—

He made his way back to the dormitory while the feast was still on, the hallways eerily empty. The empty common room was a strange sight, there was almost always someone in it. He didn't pause long enough to really take it in, taking the steps two at a time so he could throw himself onto his bed and scream into his pillow. 

Which is exactly what he did, until he was startled by a hand on his shoulder. Sirius jerked up, fully ready to snap at James to leave him alone, and found himself staring into concerned, amber eyes.

"You okay?" Remus asked quietly and, Merlin, he did look rough. Tired and pale the way he sometimes got. 

"You're here," Sirius said blankly, "You weren't- the train, or the feast…"

Remus nodded with a sad smile, "Yeah… had a flare up, Dumbledore let me floo over. Spent the day in the Hospital Wing."

"Oh," he said dumbly, realizing James and Peter had been right and feeling foolish. 

"Sorry to worry you," Remus said with a soft laugh.

Sirius realized the hand was still on his shoulder and he felt heat creep onto his cheeks. He glowered, "I wasn't worried ."

"Okay," Remus said, his eyes dancing with amusement, "It's good to see you - holiday okay?"

"No," he muttered, leaning his head back on the pillow, "They all hate me for being sorted into Gryffindor - said I should've told the hat to put me in Slytherin."

"That sucks. The hat was torn between Ravenclaw and Gryffindor for me," Remus said softly, "But it seemed to decide Gryffindor pretty fast for you."

Sirius glowered at the poster of his bed for a long minute, "It asked me - said Blacks always go to Slytherin but I had the makings of a fine Gryffindor. I could've been what they wanted."

"Oh," Remus said quietly, "I'm glad you ended up here."

"I'm glad you're here, too."

—

A few days later, Remus's parents sent him a letter that had arrived after he'd gone to Hogwarts. It arrived at breakfast, while he was sat next to Sirius, who had mostly forgotten about his hastily written letter. Remus bumped their shoulders together, showed it to him, and muttered into his ear, "I missed you, too."

Sirius grabbed the letter out of his hand and stuffed it into his pocket, his cheeks pink.

—

The rest of the year was uneventful in terms of soul marks. This only furthered Remus's suspicions, and he had to distract himself from looking wistfully at his classmates, wondering who his soulmate was. 

Sometimes he imagined they must be a Ravenclaw, the hat had nearly put him in the house and he honestly did tend to get along with them better. Lily Evans seemed to be the same, they both spent quite a bit of time in the library and had ended up forming a few study groups with the Ravenclaw students and a handful of Hufflepuffs. And 'Sev', as Lily called him. Sometimes Remus wondered if he and Lily were soulmates, simply because he couldn't imagine why else she put up with such a sneering anti-muggle prat. Remus's first detention was after Severus had made a nasty remark about Remus's mother and he'd whipped out a hex his father had taught him. Disabling and inconvenient but not dangerous, his father had said, good for getting away from a minor threat.

This had brought him some renown among his classmates, as it was something not usually taught until NEWTs and word spread fast in the castle. That year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher had even awarded him ten points to Gryffindor once he duplicated it for her - "But don't tell anyone why, of course, I'm not meant to be seen as encouraging that behavior," she had said.

His dorm mates were the first to be allowed to interrogate him, as he'd gone straight to the dormitory after McGonagall had finished lecturing him. 

"How have you learned to do that? You're only just gone 15!" Peter had marveled.

Remus flushed, not used to the praise or attention and also not entirely comfortable with the answer, "My dad does a lot of work with dark creatures, so he taught me some things?"

"Dark creatures?" Sirius asked with a frown.

"Like what?" James said eagerly.

"Erm, he used to do a lot with things that plague muggles - like bogarts and ghosts - it's how he and mam met, and then the Ministry hired him and he doesn't tell me much about it - I know he's helped with giants and werewolves." He was fidgeting his fingers in his lap, hoping that his voice had stayed level, trying to figure out how to change the subject.

" Werewolves? " Sirius snapped, "How has he helped? "

James and Peter looked over at him and Remus flinched, "I just said - he doesn't tell me loads. I know he's helped the Ministry bring in some packs."

Which is why he ended up getting bitten, because his father had stated werewolves were 'soulless, evil, and deserving nothing but death' in front of a werewolf who was then let free - and was cursed with a werewolf for a son in return. But he wasn't going to say that.

"Well what happens to them then? Didn't you ask? Don't you care?" Sirius demanded, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring. 

"No, actually, I don't," Remus snarled, bunching the fabric of his trousers in his hands and glaring directly into the steely grey eyes, "I don't want to know so I haven't asked and the only thing you need to care about is that you're safe."

"Safe?" Sirius spat, disgust in his eyes. 

"That's enough - he doesn't have to know everything about his dad's job," James said, stepping between the two and holding a hand in front of each of them. He looked worried, but before he could say anything else Sirius had stormed out of the room. 

—

That night, under silencing spells, two boys in beds next to each other screamed into their pillows while clutching the hearts carved into their chests.

—

From that moment, Sirius would not speak to Remus aside from sarcastic jabs. On some level he knew it wasn't fair - the only reason Sirius cared about werewolves was because his soulmate was one. If not for that he, too, would see them as monsters that needed to be brought in to keep everyone else safe.  Given his home life, he may have even had a much darker opinion of them.  

This only made him angrier, furious at the world that wasn't safe for his soulmate. Sirius had only been 5 when the bite had appeared, and from the size of it he suspected his soulmate was about the same size as him. Which meant he'd been young. A small child cursed to this.

Sirius would probably never be able to meet them. Werewolves weren't exactly allowed at Hogwarts, few magical jobs would hire them, and they couldn't safely be around muggles. His best hope would be to track down werewolf packs when he was an adult - which, well, maybe he would.

But he shouldn't have to. His soulmate should have the same respect as anyone else, and Lyall Lupin was part of the reason they couldn't and Remus didn't care and it made his blood boil. 

It didn't help that Remus was quite defensive about it. The few times he did try to bring it up, they'd ended up shouting at each other and nearly came to blows. James and Peter did their best not to allow them anywhere near each other, and Remus soon ended up hanging out more with Lily Evans and avoiding all three of them.  Sirius wanted to feel smug about this, but James's furious glances and scolding got in the way.

It got worse as the moon waxed, a steady reminder of what his soulmate went through. The two boys could hardly be in the same room without sniping at each other.

—

The morning after the next full, Remus had looked Madam Pomfrey in the eyes and asked if she really thought it was safe for him to be in the dormitories with the others.

"Of course it is, you know you won't hurt them," she soothed, running a hand through his hair.

"That's not-" he sniffled and broke down, "The topic came up and Sirius, he- he hates werewolves, so much, if he ever - if he ever found out-"

He ended up sobbing, and the healer broke the line of professionalism to pull the boy into a hug. She only shook her head sadly and stared out the window, wishing she could offer some comfort, that the world wasn't going to be so harsh to this child.

After he calmed down again, she looked at him thoughtfully, "The headmaster wants you to have as normal an experience as possible. Not only should it help keep the secret, but you deserve it. If you don't think you're safe, though, we do have options. It's quite rare but you won't be the first student who has needed special accommodations for a dormitory."

"Okay," he said, "That's good." It didn't feel it, but he knew it was the best option.

"If you're comfortable, I'd like to give it two weeks before I bring it up with the headmaster - this is an understandably difficult time for you, and you just might feel different when you're feeling better," Madam Pomfrey suggested.

Remus nodded, too tired to push and also wanting to cling to the hope that things really would feel better soon. It had been the first time he'd had friends, and it hurt to lose that already.

—

Madame Pomfrey let him stay an extra night, as it was the weekend and he wouldn't be missing any class. She just gave him an understanding look when he asked. James and Peter came by with food from the Great Hall and a few chocolate frogs both days, which he appreciated. No one mentioned Sirius and his absence felt like a thorn in Remus's side.

He finally trudged back to the Gryffindor Common Room late in the afternoon, and to no surprise it was fairly busy. James, Peter, and Sirius were there and he did try not to be noticed but of course they saw him. To his irritation, Sirius called his name and ran over to him.

"Remus, I-" 

"Leave me alone, " he growled, too much of the wolf in it - guttural and dangerous. Sirius froze, and a few people looked over and he stomped up the stairs as quickly as his aching joints would let him before curling up in his bed.

He couldn't deal with Sirius, not right now. The fight had been torn out of his bones and left fresh marks he still felt guilty over. It had been hard to make himself come back to the dormitories and give it the two weeks Madam Pomfrey had asked for, and Sirius starting the argument right now would have him back at the Hospital Wing begging to be moved.

He grimaced and hid under his blanket as the door opened. He heard the soft sound of footsteps and someone sitting on the bed next to his. Sirius's. Remus wanted to rage and scream and throw something and make him leave , but fortunately he had the energy for none of it so he just stayed curled under the covers and hoped he'd go away.

"So, er, with you gone - I guess I had time to think… and I'm not really just mad at you , I'm mad at everyone and got a bit harsh," Sirius said, kicking his legs against the bed. 

Remus tried to grumble but it came out as another growl and he grimaced at the noise so stopped.

"I know no one cares, but - like your dad is part of it and maybe you could do something - you don't even know what's happening to them and you aren't even asking ," he continued. 

He stopped talking after that, and after a few minutes Remus dug himself back out of his burrow and looked up at Sirius. 

"I'm sorry, you've lost me - we're still talking about werewolves? What do you mean no one cares - everyone's afraid of them," Remus said, rubbing his forehead.

Sirius glared at him, his nostrils flaring as he had to take a long breath before speaking through clenched teeth, "That's what I mean - everyone only cares about how scared they are. No one cares what happens after the Ministry brings them in, or thinks they could be innocent…"

Remus stared at him as he processed the words then slowly asked, "You're mad because you don't think werewolves are being treated fairly?" 

"Well, they aren't!" Sirius snapped.

"Oh. I thought you were mad the ministry wasn't being hard enough - that I should be getting on my dad to do more against them," Remus mumbled, collapsing back onto the bed and closing his eyes as he tried to make sense of this new development.

"No - I - oh," Sirius said, "Then… you think I'm right? Would you change it if you could?"

Remus snorted, "Sirius - you have no idea how much I would change if I could," he opened his eyes blearily, "I'm not my dad, there's nothing I can do."

They looked at each other for a moment and Remus had the intense urge to just spill everything. To explain that he already knew enough and it was too much and how scared he was, always. To explain why he knew about this and how his father's job had led to him being cursed. To explain how isolated he'd been and what each full moon was like. He also wanted to ask a million questions - why did Sirius care? Did he know a werewolf? How many other wix were like him?

But it wasn't safe, because if the wrong person found out - Remus could lose everything. 

"Want me to bring you some food from the Great Hall?" Sirius asked quietly, "You look rough."

"No, s'alright, I can make it down," Remus assured him with a fond smile.

Chapter Text

That summer, Sirius managed to go a few weeks without punishment. Despite her disdain over the winter holidays, apparently his grades were high enough to earn a level of favor from his mother. His focus was also on trying to repair his relationship with his brother, who was further withdrawn. Sirius felt guilty for this, knowing he had been left alone and also had extra pressure put on him due to Sirius's soul marks and being sorted into Gryffindor.

His attempts were not going that well. Any mention of his friends would cause Regulus to spit venomous insults and lead to a fight, and Regulus had begun taunting him about them as well. They also kept tripping onto each other's sore spots. It seemed impossible to have a good conversation.

Sirius had also gotten worse at holding his tongue towards his mother, more brazen at expressing his disapproval for the family ways and support for muggle borns. It was only a matter of time, really, before he was being cursed as punishment again.

"It's those blood traitors in that house of yours - if you'd taken your proper place in Slytherin, this never would have happened," his mother sneered after he had insisted blood purity doesn't matter, "I will not have you contacting them!"

With that, Walburga used her wand to slice open his right palm. Sirius hissed in pain, clutching the hand to his shirt, which soon had blood dripping down it.

"See you don't make too much of a mess, boy," she told him before dismissing him from the room.

He wrapped his hand, and it soon became clear that the curse used had also stopped his blood from clotting. Sirius took a bottle of ditany from his parents' apothecary and applied it. Unsurprisingly, it had no effect aside from stinging. He hissed again, rewrapping the wound and cursing his mother under his breath. Even if he could manage to hold a quill, he couldn't write a letter without covering it with blood.

The wound would be healed eventually - it was too visible. His parents never left marks on parts of his body that were regularly on display. There was no way of knowing how soon that would be. Grimly he considered that, for the first time in his life, he was hoping for one of the intolerable family gatherings where he would be trotted out on display as the Black heir. It would mean his hand would be healed, at least.

As he made his way back to his room, the door to Regulus's room opened a crack and his brother looked at him.

Sirius looked back at him, grimacing in pain and a snarl on his tongue.

"I can write letters for you," Regulus said in a small voice, and Sirius just stared owlishly at him. He looked down at the bloody bandage on Sirius's hand and wrinkled his nose, "Until she heals it - if you tell me what to say, I'll write the letters to your friends for you. If we're careful, she won't know."

"Reggie…" Sirius whispered, his body trembling, "Thank you."

The younger boy just nodded before closing his door.

That evening, when it was late and he was clenching his still bleeding hand to his chest, he felt a sharp sting in his left palm.  Again he turned his desk lamp on, to find a tiny golden heart right underneath his pointer finger.  He stared at it for a long moment, looking from the bloody bandages of his right hand to the shimmering heart on his left. It wasn't a coincidence. 

He loved it. He was also terrified, because it was too visible. He had no way to communicate this - not to express his appreciation nor to beg for it to be removed before his mother saw and burnt the skin off his hand. 

About five minutes later, as he was still staring, it vanished and he smiled. He krept out of his room, back to the apothecary. There were always knives there, and with some difficulty he managed to hold it and make a reasonably heart shaped cut under his ring finger. It was a mess, but he imagined he'd be forgiven given the wound on his right hand. He sat there for as long as he dared before putting a drop of dittany on, vanishing it.

—

True to his word, Regulus had helped Sirius with the letters. He grimaced and glowered through the experience and it took a tremendous amount of restraint on Sirius's part not to snap - but he didn't, because his brother was taking a risk in doing this. Whatever his brother's problem with his friends, Regulus was willing to defy their mother just to let Sirius have the small comfort of staying in contact with him.

He held that truth close to his chest, focused on how precious it was. Did his best to ignore the way Regulus's nose wrinkled at the mention of their names and he rolled his eyes. His brother was a dutiful transcriber, even adding a postscript explaining Sirius had injured his hand and reminding them not to mention it in any replies. Regulus did not specify who was assisting the writing.

He had explained his warning to his friends about keeping their messages vague and unrevealing. To which Regulus smirked and replied, "Well at least there's some sense in that head of yours."

—

Sirius spent the week leading up to the start of term trying to grab every chance he could to be alone with Regulus and convince his brother to give his friends a chance.

This was a fool's errand, ultimately ending in Regulus calling on Kreacher to ward his room so his brother couldn't enter it and holing up in it. 

Sirius scowled, not understanding why Regulus couldn't just give them a chance. He and James were practically brothers already, his friends were amazing, surely they'd love his brother just as much - and didn't Reggie deserve that?

Still, September 1st found Regulus stiffly refusing to acknowledge Sirius and disappearing into the crowd of students the first chance he got. Sirius glowered and attempted to chase after him, finding James and Peter in the process. After hearing about his vanishing brother, James commiserated and convinced Sirius to board the train and wait until another time.

This time, Remus had managed to get on the train first and was holding a compartment for them. He brightened when he saw them, leaning on the door to wave them in.

Sirius grinned, for a moment concerned it would be a repeat of the last train ride - Remus absent and in the hospital wing.

"Actually caught the train this time?" Sirius asked with a chuckle as he stowed his trunk.

"Yeah, these old bones are doing alright," Remus replied, settling into the seat next to the window and picking up the book he'd placed there.

"Merlin, you sound like my dad," James groused, rolling his eyes.

"Remus was born 40," Peter pointed out with a fond smile.

About an hour into the journey, Sirius finally nudged James, "You keep gazing out the window all moon eyed - meet someone this summer?"

Peter and Remus exchanged a glance but watched curiously. Their friend had been behaving oddly, trailing off and gazing wistfully out the window. 

James's dark tan face immediately went red and he let out a loud laugh, "Godric - no! My dad just, ugh, he gave me the talk - he spent the summer giving me all of the talks. I know more about sex and relationships than I ever wanted to," he buried his face in his hands while his friends chuckled at his expense.

Once that died down he peered over his fingers before leaning back in his seat and sighing, "But obviously soul mates came up a lot and - well, just got me thinking I guess."

"Mine might be a muggle," Peter said with a sigh, "All my life the marks healed so slowly - and now not many come up, so I don't know if they've entered Hogwarts or not, or if they're even going to."

"That happened to my dad," Remus murmured, "Mum found out about magic that way - her marks just vanished."

Peter perked up slightly to hear that, "Oh, I hadn't thought of that - so it won't be a shock I'm a wizard!"

"Nope, it's why mum asked dad out - he saved her from a boggart and he was the first wizard she'd ever met," he chuckled, remembering how often his parents had told him this story, "She thought he'd help him find her soulmate, and it turned out he was it!"

"That sounds so romantic," Peter mused dreamily, and James elbowed Sirius before he could make a remark about it.

"What about you, then?" James asked Sirius with a smirk.

Sirius flushed, rubbing his thumb over the skin of his palm that had held a golden heart that summer evening, "I think they're muggle born as well - the marks linger," he lied, hoping if anyone caught a glimpse of any of the scars they'd take that as part of an explanation.

"Your parents must love that," Peter said, raising an eyebrow.

"They don't care who my soulmate is," Sirius chuckled darkly, "They want to marry me off to someone they deem worthy of the blood line - my happiness is irrelevant."

"That's terrible," Remus said softly.

"You know you don't have to, right? You can tell them no - marry whoever you want," James said fiercely, and Sirius smiled at him.

"Yeh, I do. It's just…" he shrugged, "Easier said than done."

"They're still your family," Remus offered.

Sirius nodded. On top of that, he worried about Regulus. The more brazenly Sirius defied his parents, the more pressure was put on his brother. Sirius brooded over that until his attention was brought back to the conversation by Peter asking Remus about his.

"Oh, er, I try not to think about it," Remus replied sheepishly, "With my condition - it just doesn't feel right for someone to end up stuck with me."

"That's rubbish," Sirius snorted, "Yeh it sucks you're sick so often - but there's loads of good things about you. Are you seriously planning to just ignore your soulmate? Because of some illness?"

Remus rolled his eyes, unable to explain why this was perfectly sensible. For a small moment, he remembered their fight that Spring - Sirius's defence of werewolves - and he let himself imagine Sirius knowing and still insisting Remus was worth being someone's soulmate. 

He shut that thought away and gave a huff, "Fine then - they're magic raised. That's all I know."

"They might be in school with us, then!" James grinned.

"Maybe," Remus agreed shyly, "But what about you, James? You never told us."

"Same as you, magic raised," he said with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.  Remus tilted his head to the side, curious, but James was already redirecting the conversation to Quidditch and his hopes of making the team at tryouts this year.

—

By the time the Sorting Hat had finished its song, Sirius was practically vibrating with nervous energy. Nudging their knees together had stopped working and Remus found himself with a hand on his friend's knee, rubbing soothing circles with his thumb. The only reason he knew it helped was because every time he stopped, Sirius began biting at his knuckle. So he continued doing so, not that the other boy seemed to be at all aware.

It wasn't hard to see why he was so nervous - his brother was so distinctly related to him. His hair had the same sheen, his skin the same flawless alabaster, and Remus thought he caught the same grey eyes - though at this distance he may have been imagining it.

Fortunately he was one of the first to be sorted. 

"Regulus Arcturus Black "

The hat paused for a moment and Sirius held his breath, before shouting, " SLYTHERIN! "

Sirius grimaced, his eyes not leaving his brother. Regulus looked over to the Gryffindor table but immediately turned away again to be embraced by the roaring, cheering crowd.

"Sirius?" Remus asked, watching his face with concern.

"I'm happy for him," he said through clenched teeth, shaking his head.

—

Sirius managed to find Regulus the next day. He'd spent the night agonizing over it, finally waking Remus up to ask for advice - since Remus seemed to be the calmest of the group.

The summer had convinced him of two things - that his brother still loved him and that Sirius had no idea how to speak to him without escalating to a fight. He wanted to fix the latter half, and now that they were away from his parents it seemed like the perfect time to do that.

"Hey, Reggie…" he said, feeling more nervous than he expected.

"Sirius," he replied stiffly, nodding his head and eyeing him warily.

"I wanted to, erm, say congratulations - on getting sorted into Slytherin," Sirius said awkwardly and his brother simply scoffed. Sirius bit his lip, "I know that, well, over the summer I pushed you a lot - I think I mucked it up… I just want you to be happy, Reggie, to know you don't have to do things just because of them - but I didn't mean I thought you can't. If Slytherin and everything makes you happy - then, yeah, I'm, er, I'm happy for you." He gave a lopsided smile, hoping what he had said made sense.

Regulus narrowed his eyes and regarded him for a moment before nodding again, "Okay… In that case, thank you," he said, still stiff but with a hint of a smile playing on his lips, "And I never said it, so congratulations on getting into Gryffindor."

Sirius broke out into a wide grin, and Regulus scoffed again before muttering something about class and rushing off. 

—

That winter, the Black brothers managed to convince their parents to let them stay at the castle for the holiday. Regulus going into Slytherin apparently put them in a quite amiable mood. To his surprise and delight - Peter, James, and Remus all agreed to stay as well once they heard. Regulus had friends who were staying also, and he stressed that he did not intend to spend his break tagging along with Sirius's mates.

It was still brilliant, though he felt an unexpected pang of remorse. His soulmate had only ever reached out in response to the marks left by his mother's curses. He had half a mind to hex himself just to prompt it, although that was a terrible idea. Then, he realized that he could just be the first one to reach out. He considered this one evening, on the Astronomy Tower with Regulus, trying to decide when to do so. The moon hung large in the sky, more than half full, and it hit him - the day before full moons.

He could send a mark the night before a full moon, just a little reminder, and also an explicit statement that he knew and still wanted to meet them. He sincerely hoped the marks meant as much to his soulmate as they did to him. 

A few nights later he put up every ward he knew around his bed and took the knife he used for potions into hand. Nervously he carved a little heart into the palm of his left hand, just under the ring finger. 

The sound of shuffling made him jump, for a terrible moment he imagined the wards failing and having to explain what he was doing and - the room fell quiet again, aside from the sound of his dorm mates' breathing.  He let out a sigh of relief then felt the familiar stinging tingle as a golden heart appeared under the index finger. He smiled at his hand, lit by wandlight, and quite reluctantly murmured the healing charm that wiped his away. The other soon followed, and he whispered good night.

—

"Hey Sirius?" Remus asked, late one night. They'd fallen into the habit of sometimes waking the other up to talk. 

"Hrmf - what's up, Remmy?" He replied, pushing himself up and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"Erm… are you sure your soulmate was muggle born?"

Sirius stiffened, his hand going to his collar to ensure his pyjama top was on and buttoned, then tried to sound unphased, "I mean - why else would they be slow to heal?"

Remus sat on his bed and pulled his legs to his chest, "Sometimes I get marks that fade slowly, or leave scars," he said quietly. ' And I haven't gotten ANY since the holiday started, since you didn't go back to that house ,' he thought to himself but didn't dare say. 

"Oh," Sirius said quietly, "That can happen sometimes…" Then he leaned over, "You woke me up - why is this bugging you so much?"

Their faces were close, and Remus felt his mouth go dry and he grabbed at the mark over his heart and then the words tumbled out, "I wish you were my soulmate."

Sirius blinked at him before laughing sadly, "You really, really don't."

"Wh-" Remus started, feeling confused and crushed.

"Don't worry about it, okay," Sirius said quietly, "Just… go back to bed? Please?"

"Yeah, um, of course," he mumbled, shuffling back over and burying himself in his blankets, cursing himself for being so stupid.

Chapter Text

Fortunately, Remus had waited until it was nearly the start of term to have that late night conversation. Once the school was full, he buried himself in anything he could - studying with Lily and Regulus, chess with Peter, getting ahead of his assignments. 

It wasn't too hard to move past, he'd gotten over worse and he still had a soulmate somewhere who had started sending him hearts right before every full and each month he swore his heart skipped a beat at the implication. 

James was the one who pulled him into an empty classroom after classes one day, looking worried. 

"I'm glad you aren't shouting at each other - but you and Sirius have been avoiding each other since Christmas," he'd said, giving Remus a look that made him feel the man would one day feel a good father. The perfect blend of concerned and disappointed to leave Remus feeling guilty.

"I'm not- not on purpose," he mumbled, looking at his shoes.

James nodded and then breathed in sharply, "Last time you two stopped talking… it was over werewolves…"

Remus winced and pressed his lips together.

"I'm not sure how to bring this up - but, well, you're noticeably worse right before and after the full moon, in the hospital wing for every one," James scratched the back of his head, "It's okay, I mean, it probably isn't, but I'm not upset is what I'm trying to say."

Remus looked up, meeting James's intensely honest brown eyes. He pulled at his sleeves uncertainly. "You're not?" He said finally, at a loss of words.

James sagged with relief and grinned at him, pulling him into a hug, "Course not - never seen you hurt anyone," he pulled back and smirked, "Well, except Snivellus - that one time - but he deserved it."

"He really did," Remus agreed, shaking his head, "That prat hates muggles so much - don't know how Lily puts up with him."

James nodded, his face dark, then the expression passed and he looked soft, "Has Sirius said something, though, about it?"

"I don't think he knows," Remus mumbled, "But he hasn't brought them up since."

"Okay, good, because he's like a brother to me - but if he's being a tit over it, I'll set him straight," then he frowned, "Hard to believe he hasn't figured it out - always stargazing. Merlin, he knows the moon phase before he knows what day of the week it is. Must be thick not to have noticed you're so much worse every full moon."

Remus bit his lip and looked away, just shrugging, "Do you think Peter knows, then?"

"I'm not sure…" James admitted thoughtfully, "I think he suspects something, though, and with astronomy next year he'll figure it out."

"Damn," Remus muttered, hugging his arms around himself, "I don't know… If they react badly, if they tell the wrong person…"

James hugged him again, tighter this time, "If you'll let me, I'll handle it, okay? We all love you and I don't think either of them are dense enough to let this change anything."

"I hope you're right," he whispered.

"Me, too," James said, ruffling his hair, "You've been like this the whole time we've known you - they've… they've got to understand that you're still you. "

Remus gave a small smile, admiring James for his optimism and faith in people. It was a trait he hoped the boy wouldn't lose, even though Remus couldn't afford to share it.

—

It wasn't hard to get Sirius on his own, he and James spent more time with each other than they did with the others. Just a few days later they were the only ones in the dormitory, tossing a ball back and forth and casting various charms while it was in the air. Sometimes it rained across the room, other times puffed feathers everywhere, sending tiny sparks dancing behind it. 

After the room was turned into an absolute mess, James kept the ball, tossing it between his hands and looking over at Sirius.

"You keep track of the moon phases a lot, right?" James asked casually.

Sirius stiffened before forcing his body to relax and he just shrugged lazily, "I'm into astrology - that's part of it."

"I've just been thinking about something kind of funny… You remember when Remus didn't come here on the Hogwarts Express? What was the moon like then?"

Sirius frowned, "It was the day after the full moon - but why would that matter?"

"And when he got sick over the holiday, when we were all here - Merlin I hadn't even thought the hospital wing was open! What was the moon like that night?"

"It… it was the full moon," he said quietly. It was the night after he'd first carved the heart to let his soulmate know he was there. He swallowed thickly. The last three months - like clockwork, the night after he'd carved the mark into his hand, Remus was in the hospital wing.

"He - he gets sick other times…" he muttered, "It's not the only time…" It was just the only time that Remus looked exhausted and winced when he moved both before and after the hospital wing trip.

Sirius looked over at James. His friend was watching him closely, eyes taking in every change in his facial expression.

"But-" he said shakily, "I thought werewolves weren't allowed at Hogwarts."

"It's not something they'd print on the brochure, but can you give me a good reason not to?" James challenged. 

"Not- not as long as they can be kept safe during the full moon," Sirius said, "They're not, they're not dangerous any other time," he looked up at his friend with pleading eyes, "They aren’t, really, and - and -" the words got lost as his breathing went shallow and his head went foggy. Within seconds James had crossed the room and was holding him, running a hand through his hair and coaching him through deepening his breathing.

Once Sirius had managed to get calm again he shook his head, "He- he can't be, because… because how could I not notice?"

"Have to be honest, mate, I'm as confused as you are - I only did because you keep mentioning the moon phase. And the way you two fought over werewolves, well, seemed personal to him," James admitted.

Sirius looked up at him with wide eyes, his hand going to his mouth, "You only- you got suspicious because of that fight? He's going to hate me… Did anyone else…?"

James shook his head, "Aside from Peter - no. You two only said 'werewolves' that first time in the dorm, the rest of the time you both just danced around the subject," he wrinkled his nose, "There, er, might be a rumor that the fight was over his dad marrying a muggle…"

"I'm a Black," Sirius said with a heavy sigh, "That rumor started as soon as I was born." He ran a hand through his hair, "He spent weeks thinking I hated werewolves- hated him - that… that was the time he spent an extra day in the hospital wing, it was during that fight and what if he got worse because of me?"

"Okay, Sirius," James said, placing a hand on his cheek, "You're spiraling again. You gotta let yourself take a break from this. We're gonna go outside. You can help me practice Quidditch, sound good?"

"But what about-"

"Remus is fine right now. This talk will go better if you're in a good place, okay? So just do me a favor and toss the Quaffle around with me, okay?" 

—

James and Sirius avoided dinner, spending the time flying around the grounds instead. Then Sirius went up to the dormitory early and shut himself into his bed to spend some time turning things over in his head.

He had been intune with the full moon since he was 5 years old - it just… seemed impossible that he could have missed this. Sometimes Remus spent the day, or even the night, in the hospital wing outside of it. But they were always milder, weren't they? It was something he had never allowed himself to think, because Merlin he'd be such a tosser if he were wrong - but it was almost like Remus sometimes went in while perfectly healthy. 

Which you'd need to do to keep people from noticing you only disappeared on the full moon, wouldn't you?

He dug the heel of his palms into his eyes and tried to remember one single time - just one was all he needed - that he'd woken up to fresh soul marks and Remus sleeping in the bed next to him. He could remember so many mornings with James and Peter when he snapped a bit more, his skin slightly sore and his head full of worry for someone he couldn't reach. When had he snapped at Remus because his chest ached with fresh, gilded claw marks?

Surely it had happened. Surely he hadn't been so freaking wrapped up in himself that he'd have spent over a dozen full moons not noticing his friend's conspicuous absence.

Nothing. Not a single time came to mind. All he could remember were times James rolled his eyes and scoffed about what bug had crawled up Sirius's arse before asking when they'd visit Remus that day.

He stared up at the crimson canopy of his bed, his pride still objecting to the idea he could have missed the signs - that he'd been so wrapped up in feeling sorry for himself about never meeting his soulmate that he failed to notice the werewolf right next to him .

But there was not a single shred of evidence to prove Remus wasn't a werewolf, and a bit too much that suggested he was.

Accepting that meant going down a new train of thought, one that was considerably more dangerous.

If a werewolf could go to Hogwarts, his soulmate could be at Hogwarts. If Remus Lupin was a werewolf -

Sirius sucked a breath in through his teeth and rubbed the mark over his heart. He didn't want to go there. He had spent his entire time at Hogwarts steadfastly ignoring the possibility and it would hurt too much to open just to have it slammed in his face.

(Which he had done to Remus, that one night during the holiday, when he could have just admitted his soulmate might be magic raised but Sirius had reason to believe they'd never be allowed at Hogwarts and Remus - Remus would have understood… )

He opened the curtains around his bed - it was late. His dorm mates were asleep. James and Peter nearly always slept with their curtains open and in the light from his wand, he could see James's arm hanging off the side of his bed, his limbs spread about. The familiarity made him smile.

"Sirius? You alright, mate?" asked a groggy voice to the side and he looked over to see Remus had left his own curtains open as well, and was squinting at his wand like it had woken him up.

"Erm," he responded, snuffing the light out, "Sorry, didn't mean to wake you."

"S'alright," he muttered, rubbing his face and sitting up, "Wasn't really asleep," he looked back at Sirius, "You missed dinner."

"Just - needed some time to myself."

"Well now I know something's wrong," Remus said playfully, "You don't have to talk about it."

Sirius nodded, before crossing over to Remus’s bed and sitting next to him.

"You told me a little, about your soulmarks, is there anything you can tell me about your soulmate?" Sirius asked quietly, not entirely sure where the question came from.

Remus scowled at him for a moment, then his face softened and he sighed, closing the curtains with a flick of his wand and setting up a silencing charm. "Yes - but it doesn't really feel like mine to tell."

"I- yeah, I get that," he admitted, because it was true. "There's things about mine that - I don't want to tell anyone. Because I don't know how they'll respond, and if I ever do meet my soulmate - it wasn't mine to tell."

Sirius was being a coward and he knew it, he smirked slightly at the irony. All the problems at home because he was sorted into Gryffindor and here he was acting like a Slytherin. That was part of it, though - because his soulmate had seen every curse mark and had figured out enough to carve into their own freaking flesh just to offer some comfort. And if that was Remus… he wanted to know how he felt. Because a year and a half at Hogwarts wasn't enough to drown out his mother's voice or a childhood as an object of shame and disgust.

Remus nudged their knees together and Sirius smiled at him, unseen in the darkness. 

"I…" Remus hesitated before continuing quietly, "I'm pretty sure that they're not safe when they're at home. That they get hurt by someone. And it's getting worse, but I don't have a way to help them."

Sirius sucked in a breath of air, rubbing his thumb over his palm that had bled for weeks, "Just at home?"

"It doesn't happen during term, they're probably here, in our year," his voice was bitter, "It's not fair - such a stupid system - I can see every time they get hurt but I can't do anything…"

"Anything except," Sirius said, hesitating because if he was wrong he'd sound insane, "Carving hearts into your skin."

Remus froze and the silence felt suffocating, then he finally let out a breath and said, "Yeah."

Sirius managed to get ahold of Remus's left hand, "And right before every full moon, one shows up right here," he whispered, pressing the skin right under Remus's ring finger.

Remus gasped softly, taking Sirius's hand, "And you get one here in response," he murmured and tapped the skin under Sirius's index finger.

They both sat in silence again, holding each other's hands and staying completely still as if a movement would break the moment, that the bubble would pop and it'd all be a dream.

"I'm sorry - for what I said that night, when you told me you wished I was your soulmate," Sirius said gently.

"I get it now - you were saying I wouldn't wish I was a werewolf," he huffed a small laugh, "You're right - I really, really wish I wasn't."

"Do you still want to be my soulmate, though?" he said it teasingly, but his heart was in his throat because he'd spent so long being told he wasn't allowed this.

"I wish you weren't-" Remus began and Sirius felt himself being crushed, "Because I hate knowing that someone's hurt you like this," he finished, his voice determined and he pressed a hand to the center of Sirius's chest, where the worst of his scars lay.

"Thank you," he mumbled.

"You really don't mind being stuck with a monster?" Remus asked quietly, and Sirius remembered how the boy had insisted he didn't want to find his soulmate due to his condition .

"I'm the heir of the Black family," Sirius said grimly, "Most of my family members have each done more damage than a single werewolf could ever hope to," then he squeezed Remus's hand and smiled, "I don't mind being stuck with a monster if you don't."

Remus chuckled, kissing Sirius's knuckles, "Deal."

Chapter Text

Regulus Black’s skin was unblemished. This was not due to genetics, which contained a rather undesirable amount of incest, and more due to the Black fortune supplying ample potions to achieve flawless skin. It was also because his soulmate, thankfully, had never amassed any scars. They had certainly gotten bumped and scraped up in their lifetime, of course, but each wound was magically vanished.  It made it easier to forget he had one, more comfortable to go along with his parents’ wishes and watch as his cousins were slowly married off to proper purebloods.

Then, once again, Sirius had to make his life more difficult. It wasn’t fair of him to keep getting angry at his brother’s search for happiness, he knew that. It also wasn’t fair that their parents saw every act of defiance from Sirius when they looked at Regulus - clamping down tighter and tighter to ensure he stayed on the right path.

This one was especially egregious, as it impacted Regulus at Hogwarts - which for most of his first year at the school had been his escape from that nonsense.

His brother had found his soulmate. Somehow he hadn’t made an announcement about it, shocking really considering how much the boy loved attention, but word slipped out and the gossip spread quickly and it wasn't like Remus and Sirius were terribly subtle about their new relationship- sharing kisses with a casual abandon Regulus had never seen before. 

He could barely make it a day without seeing the two of them holding hands or kissing or just exchanging looks that reminded Regulus of what he would never, ever be allowed to have for himself.

Because how was he supposed to find a soulmate with a perfectly unblemished body? Surely that was the majority of wix kind. Like finding a specific needle in a massive pile of other identical needles.

Regulus was brooding on this while shaving one morning, hissing as he nicked himself. He cursed his brother under his breath, grabbing his wand to heal it and - stopped. He looked in the mirror at the small cut just to the left of his lips. Somewhere, someone was sporting the exact same cut in gold.

It wasn’t impossible that his soulmate wasn’t at Hogwarts right now - but, statistically, most people had soulmates close in age and it was quite common for them to have attended Hogwarts at the same time even if they didn’t find each other.

His heart pounded in his chest as he instead cast a glamor, disguising the cut without hiding it. If this didn’t work, he would heal it that evening. But, maybe, it would work. He would finally know who and could work on deciding whether or not they were someone worth defying his parents for. If they were someone Regulus could have happiness with, the way his brother had found his.

It did not take long for Regulus to spot a person with a gold cut on their face. It would be hard to miss, really, such a ruckus was being made at the Gryffindor table over it. His eyes travelled over the commotion until he found the small flash of gold, glinting in the morning sunlight. 

James Potter. The gold shined beautifully on his brown skin and Regulus had half a mind to find a spell to ensure the cut scarred, just so he could keep seeing it. The boy was mostly laughing and joking back, but as Regulus watched he noticed the way James kept falling into a small smile, touching the mark affectionately, and glancing around the room as if looking to see if he could find the person who’d cut themself shaving that morning.

Well then, wasn’t that interesting.

—

It was the first time in his life that a soul mark had not immediately been healed. It had taken him ages to realize he was even getting any, because every time he felt the sting or ache of a soulmark appearing it was gone before he could see it. 

Shaving had actually been when he'd noticed them most, was how he was fairly sure his soulmate was a man, although he wouldn't assume. For a few weeks, every morning there would be a few small nicks across his chin. After the first time, he woke up earlier and just stared at his reflection in the mirror - hoping to catch the marks appear and vanish on his own freshly shaved skin.

Then his soulmate became proficient with the skill, and it was back to almost nothing. His soulmate admittedly seemed to be careful, it was rare he'd even feel the appearance of a mark, and he imagined someone with grace. How they got stuck with someone like James, who had often been described as a human tornado, was beyond him. 

Until that day, that perfectly ordinary day, his soulmate had chosen to let a cut heal naturally and for the first time in his life he had a soulmark to look at. He hadn't left the bathroom until Sirius had threatened to bodily drag him out. Then at breakfast he kept glancing at his reflection in a spoon or the kettle. 

All that morning, people noticed it. It practically glowed against his skin and James couldn't help but feel a sense of pride in it. To show everyone that there was someone he belonged with, someone who wanted him. 

It was bittersweet, as it was also obvious his soulmate was not at Hogwarts. Despite desperately scanning every single face he came across for a matching cut, there wasn't one. Maybe they were older - already graduated - and he despaired to wonder how he could find them. It didn't seem likely they were that much younger, there were only about 6 months between when James had learned to shave and his soulmate started. Which… really meant they ought to be at Hogwarts. Maybe they were homeschooled.

It was a small cut, it would be nearly invisible by the next morning. James would appreciate every moment he had until then.

—

A week later, Regulus pressed his lips into a thin line and resolutely did not look up as the chair across from him was pulled out. He was in the library, where he had been predominantly studying alone lately. Sometimes Lily would still spend time with him, although she had been getting dreamy eyed over a girl in her dorm and wasn't spending as much time in the library.

"Alright, Reg?" Remus greeted him as he pulled his books and parchment out.

Regulus still didn't look up, "I'm surprised you're here, you lot had rather forgot I existed."

Remus's face went pink and he laughed nervously, "I didn't mean to - I imagine that's been particularly annoying for you, since it's your brother…"

"Neither of you told me," he said, his voice clipped. 

"I thought Sirius had," Remus said quietly, "I'm  sorry - I would have -"

"You can tell him he doesn't have to worry, I won't tell anyone," he interrupted.

Silence followed this and Regulus finally spared a glance up to watch the emotions cross the other boy's face. Confusion, horror, embarrassment, then… appreciation. Regulus looked back down at his book, grimacing.

"Thank you," he said gently, "I genuinely am sorry that Sirius hurt you for my benefit - I'll talk to him."

"Hardly matters. I should have known he'd put his soulmate before his brother," Regulus said snippily.

Remus shook his head, "There was no putting anyone ahead here - he just ran away from something he didn't want to deal with."

The corner of Regulus's lip twitched upward and he finally let out a small huff of a laugh and relented on his attempt to shut Remus out. He sat up straight and smirked, "Good. He needs someone who'll call him out when he's being a gobshite."

"That I can do," Remus laughed, then sighed, "Well - not so much right now, with James being…" he waved his hand dismissively.

Regulus stiffened, grateful for a lifetime of training to hide his emotions, "Potter? Is something wrong with him?"

"Oh, I'm sure you saw - or heard about - the mark on his chin," Remus replied, flipping through his textbook, "It's happened again and he's…" he pursed his lips together and shook his head, "I don't know. He's over the moon and heartbroken at once. I was pretty sure my soulmate was in my year of Hogwarts by that first November - it's hard to know what it's like for him, knowing they're out there but not here."

"Hm, I suppose so, it seems most people expect their soulmate is at Hogwarts - just unidentified," Regulus remarked, hesitating for a moment, "How did you know he was here?"

Remus stiffened at the question and tensed his jaw, "New curses stopped showing up on his skin after the start of term."

"Oh," Regulus said softly, nodding. Sirius had always gotten the worst of it, and their parents were more likely to leave him suffering for a few hours or even days. Regulus's punishments were swift and immediately erased, leaving him shaking with fear and his mind reeling. He felt disconnected to his body afterwards, to experience such intense pain and immediately be fully healed.

He wondered if James had noticed, the way Remus had.

"And - it's strange, for a wix to suddenly start leaving a cut to heal on its own," Remus said, returning to the previous topic, "James thinks his soulmate is looking for him," he smiled wryly, "Sirius keeps saying his soulmate's just rubbish with a razor."

Regulus snorted out a small laugh at that, although his mouth had gone dry.  "What do you think, then?"

Remus tilted his head to one side and gave Regulus a long look before going back to his book and quietly saying, "I think there are many reasons a person may want to see a soulmark on someone before they were prepared to admit the connection."

Regulus immediately looked back down at his work, praying that his face didn't look nearly so hot as it felt.

—

The marks went back to immediately being healed, mostly. James spent a few weeks sighing wistfully at his reflection.  He did it during a rather quiet lunch - quiet in terms of the Great Hall being empty, not the boys' volume - and Sirius finally came up with a suggestion.

"Look, they're not here - maybe it would help get your mind off things to try dating someone else."

James scowled, "I'm not giving up on my soulmate just because they don't go to this school."

"Not saying you should!" Sirius defended, holding his hands up, "Loads of people date around before finding their soulmate. As long as you both know, it's just a bit of fun, and there's certainly people who fancy you."

"It does help a bit," Remus agreed, not looking up from his book.

Sirius turned to him and scowled, "Wait - you didn't!"

Remus scoffed, "It was nearly two years here before we realized, yeh I did a bit."

"You never said!" Sirius balked, narrowing his eyes.

"Well, no, I wasn't interested in that kind of attention, it was just nice to have the affection," he said irritably, "You could have done the same."

Sirius grumbled, wrapping his arms around Remus's neck, "But you were mine ."

"You realize this isn't helping your point with James, right?" Remus said with an affectionate laugh, kissing his cheek.

"Yes… well…" Sirius cleared his throat, "I did make out with a few people. But it's not the same! You knew I was here! I thought you weren't!"

"Of course, love," Remus said, patting his arm before turning to James apologetically, "I do agree it's worth a try, you just may have to deal with a possessive soulmate who gets disgruntled well after the fact."

James shook his head at his friends, "You two are ridiculous. But, hey, if you both agree, then it probably isn't an awful idea - so next time someone asks me out, I'll say yes."

"People have been asking you out?" Sirius asked curiously, "You haven't told us that."

"I think we just established that none of us have shared our romantic conquests," Remus pointed out with a laugh. 

James flushed, "Well, okay, no one has gone farther than flirting and hints - but it's not a complete cop out! I am saying if it does happen…"

Sirius picked up a roll from the table and tossed it at his head.

—

A few weeks later and one of the more assertive of James's admirers finally made the move. She was a beater on the Quidditch team with James, Marlene McKinnon, and her proposal was fairly like what Sirius had said. She knew James wasn't her soulmate, she didn't know who hers was, but he was fit and she enjoyed hanging out with him. They'd just add hand holding and kissing to the hanging out they were already doing. 

It was an agreeable enough suggestion, and while it was with a pang of remorse he was overall happy to agree. 

On one of their first dates, they sat on the edge of the great lake and tossed rocks into it.

"I've always felt like my soulmate was a girl," Marlene said, skipping a stone farther than either had gotten before.

"I'm pretty sure mine's a boy," James admitted, trying to reach the same distance and wrinkling his nose with a laugh when it failed.

"It's one of the reasons I asked you - if that makes sense - it doesn't feel like I'm replacing her," Marlene said, uncharacteristically quiet for the boisterous witch. She didn't pick up a stone but looked over at James instead.

James nodded, "I think that makes sense," he smiled sheepishly, "I couldn't bring myself to try asking anyone out - I decided I'd give it a try if anyone asked me, as long as they understood."

Marlene laughed, loud and full, "You should have seen your face when I did - you had an absolute panic! I almost called it off," she stepped closer to him and grabbed his hand, "Glad I didn't. This is nicer than I thought it'd be."

"I hope you find her soon."

"I hope you find him soon."

—

Regulus did his best to ignore James Potter. He had his answer - the Potters were blood traitors. Despite being pureblood, his family would never accept it. They also wouldn't accept a man, as Regulus was expected to produce heirs. Well, Sirius was, but Regulus was fairly certain his brother would not graduate Hogwarts without being disowned which meant once again , Sirius's responsibility would fall on his shoulders.

James was also his brother's best friend, one of the ones who had stolen his attention and egged him on in terms of defying their parents. Regulus had no love for him. He stopped leaving any marks, well one more so Remus wouldn't get suspicious, and went back to ignoring James the way he had planned to all along.

The Slytherins were not as prone to spreading gossip about the other houses, unless it was something they could deride. Remus & Sirius's relationship fell under this - the disgraced Black heir falling in love with a half blood. There was considerable smirking about whether he was just playing with the boy during school, before taking his role and marrying properly. 

Thankfully, Regulus's dorm mates knew not to bring up the subject of Sirius Black and Regulus needed only avoid the common room to escape the worst of it. Remus and Lily also knew not to bring certain subjects up, and Ravenclaws didn't seem as keen to gossip, so his time in the library was quite a peaceful oasis.  

This was how he managed to avoid the news that James Potter had begun dating someone. That is, until they happened to be passing in the hallway and in Regulus's haste to avoid the boy's face he looked down - right to where the two had their hands intertwined. Her pale, freckled fingers with red and gold nails tangled in James's brown ones. 

Something ugly flared up in Regulus's gut and he escaped into the first empty classroom he could find until he could get his breathing calm again. 

Regulus was already quite familiar with Marlene McKinnon - she was a Gryffindor beater, Regulus was the Slytherin seeker, due to the team rivalry the Slytherin captain made sure to find and share anything about the Gryffindor teammates that could potentially be used against them.

She was loud and brazen, talked back to teachers and would swing a punch sooner than cast a hex. This was particularly curious among the school as her parents were both magical, and when asked she would just boast that they did things differently in Scotland. She was quite supportive of muggle borns and half bloods, and spent a great deal of time in detention due to defending them from pureblood supremacists.

Her hair was red with hints of gold and she usually let it fly wildly behind her, though for Quidditch games it would be tamed into pristine braids that completely secured the mane tight to her head. She was a menace with the beater's bat and even the proud Slytherin team were intimidated by her - not that they would ever show it outside team meetings.

In short, she was absolutely nothing like Regulus. Which was a good thing. It was better, of course, to accept James was not interested in a person like him because Regulus was not interested in James and had a duty to uphold. Things were much easier to have James chasing after outspoken redheads.

Yet his heart still sank and he felt so nauseous at the idea that he was sure he'd throw up. He skipped the rest of classes that day just to try and get himself under control. It made him furious with himself, it was completely irrational to be falling apart over someone he didn't even care about. 

He was Regulus Arcturus Black , heir to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, and he would conduct himself as such. 

The next morning his hands were still shaking so much that he nicked himself again. He scowled at his reflection and grabbed his wand before hesitating. Once more he cast a glamor to hide it instead of healing it. 

James Potter would never want him, but he could still remind the world that James did not belong to Marlene .

—

"Blimey, mate, your boy really needs one of those potions to stop your beard from growing," Peter said when James came out of the bathroom that morning. It was the morning of the Slytherin/Gryffindor match and there were three small specks of gold on his chin by the time he came out of the bedroom after getting ready.

James just chuckled, beaming as he ran his hand over his chin, "I think it's good luck."

"It's hard to mess up the shaving spell that much," Remus said with a frown, "Are you sure they're a wizard?"

"Maybe they're like my brother- he likes doing it the muggle way," he rolled his eyes, "and the old fashioned muggle way - straight razor he sharpens and everything. Hides it from our parents, but I had to help him steal dittany for about a month while he taught himself."

Remus gave him a sharp look then frowned, but went back to wrapping his Gryffindor scarf around his neck.

"Maybe," James agreed with the shy, wistful smile that was becoming common since the marks on his face first lingered. 

"You won't let this distract you from the game, right?" Sirius said sternly, "We have to beat those snakes - they'll be utterly insufferable if you don't."

"I already told you, mate, they're a good luck charm!" he replied with a wink.

—

James was proven right. The game stretched on for hours, and the Slytherin chasers seemed to be sleeping on the job as Gryffindor racked up goal after goal. By the time they were ahead by nearly 200 points, the Slytherin Captain was seething and hissed in Regulus's ear to focus on getting the snitch at any cost - at least stop them from being completely decimated.

This was a relief, as Regulus had spent over an hour basically hanging out of the way as Slytherin tried desperately to close the gap in points. He had had his eyes on the snitch nearly the entire time, predominantly spending his time ensuring the Gryffindor seeker didn't catch it and avoiding the occasional bludger sent his way.

One of the Slytherin beaters managed to hit a bludger directly into the Gryffindor Keeper's chest - nearly knocking her off her broom, and Regulus couldn't help but smirk. As the Gryffindors rallied her, Slytherin managed to get another goal. 

The only flick of gold that mattered - the snitch - caught Regulus's attention. He glanced at the Gryffindor seeker, a girl in her final year who wore her hair in thin braids tipped with gold beads. She hadn't noticed. If he was careful, he could get close without drawing her attention. As far as she knew, Regulus was waiting for his team to catch up before going for the snitch. She only paid attention to Regulus when she was actively after the snitch, as that was when he would dive her.

As lazily as he dared, he drifted around the stadium. He kept the snitch in his peripheral vision - if he locked eyes on it for too long, the roar of the crowd would alert the seeker. She glanced up at him a few times before returning to her own search for the snitch. She had no idea he'd locked onto it. Perfect.

It hovered and made jerky little darts not far from the Ravenclaw stands. Regulus nearly held his breath, going slow was agony but his strategy was successful. No one was paying attention to him, all focus on the chasers and keepers. 

It looked like he'd be able to get within a distance of about 15 seconds at top speed from the snitch before he had to dive for it and draw attention.

The ding of another goal rang across the field, the commentary informing him of another goal for Gryffindor. Good. Keep the attention, keep them thinking he was just biding his time, the other seeker still hadn't noticed the snitch.

With one last slow breath, he gripped his broom in one hand and bolted, arm outstretched. There was a massive uproar that he couldn't register. A bludger flew towards him, aimed wrong so it just missed him as he continued bolting towards the snitch. His fingers closed on cold metal 20 seconds later and he held it aloft. 

The response was strange. It was very rare for Hogwarts games to end where a team caught the snitch but lost. Neither side was fully sure whether to celebrate or not. Gryffindor had only won by 20 points, it wasn't anywhere near the victory they were accustomed to. Nearly a tie. 

When his feet hit the ground, it was the Gryffindor seeker who was first to greet him - holding out her hand and grinning at him, "That was a neat trick, Black - I gotta keep a better eye on you."

"You didn't make it easy, Williams," Regulus said with a smirk, shaking her hand before returning to his team - where the captain was laying hard into the chasers and keeper. When they saw him, that was immediately dropped and they all roared their appreciation for what he'd managed to do. Regulus grinned, until his eyes caught sight of James - who was, of course, kissing his girlfriend in celebration. It felt like someone had dumped ice water on him, but he managed to plaster his grin back on for the sake of his team. 

—

Regulus had fully intended to go back to the common room, spend about 10 minutes making an appearance at the after party, and then retreat to his dormitory to pull himself together. Again. Really, he had. 

Unfortunately the changing rooms were located so there weren't many ways to get to them, and after Regulus took his sweet time getting showered and redressed, of course he'd find James and Marlene alone in the corridor.

He almost got past them without more than an exchange of glances, they were excitedly discussing the match and really they had both performed well. Regulus couldn't deny that.

Then James had pulled her in for a kiss and that feeling in Regulus's gut had flared and before he knew what he was doing he had grabbed Marlene's arm, tearing her away from him while hissing, "Don't you dare touch him."

Seconds later, a freckled fist collided with his jaw. Then, Regulus punched back.

This was also Sirius's fault. Like everything wrong in Regulus's life. One time he had punched a wall in frustration and managed to break his wrist, so his brother taught him how to throw a proper punch. If it weren't for his brother, he wouldn't have continued venting his anger with punches and wouldn't have known how to throw a punch and would not have just given Marlene McKinnon a bloody nose.

James managed to get between them, holding them both at arms length.

"M'alright- Black punches like a fucking kitten," Marlene growled, clenching her eyes. Punches to the nose made your eyes water and she would not let anyone think Regulus Black had made her cry. She also would not admit her nose was certainly broken.

"Good," James said before turning towards the Slytherin, "What the hell Regulus? We weren't doing anything to you!"

"I do not owe you an explanation," he spat, resisting the urge to rub his sore jaw. 

"You just attacked us out of nowhere!" James snapped.

"She punched me first."

" After you grabbed her like some bleeding deranged freak!"

Despite himself, Regulus flinched at the insult. Before he could respond, Marlene interrupted with an "Oh, fuck ."

They both turned to look at her, and she was staring at James's chin. Hastily she dug a compact out of her pocket and opened it up, holding the mirror up to him.

Regulus felt the blood drain out of his face. Maybe out of his entire body, as James stared at the mirror and slowly touched the golden bloom that was growing on his chin, certainly matching the bruise on Regulus's own face.

Marlene muttered an excuse and disappeared, leaving James with the mirror and the two boys alone in the hallway. 

He turned his head slowly to Regulus, eyes tracing over Regulus's otherwise unmarked jaw, "I don't understand."

With a wave of his wand, Regulus removed the glamor and did not meet his eyes.

"Wh - why?" James asked, sounding broken.

Regulus pressed his lips together, "Because it doesn't matter. My parents will arrange a marriage for me - they'll never approve of you. It's not possible."

"Then… why did you leave them?" he whispered and Regulus finally met his gaze. James's brown eyes were wet and Regulus felt like he would collapse under the desire to touch his cheek and soothe the pain out of them.

He looked away, fixing his gaze on the stone wall, "I liked seeing it on you."

"And you didn't care how I felt about it?" he demanded angrily.

"Of course I did! That's why I stopped as soon as I heard it was upsetting you!" Regulus snapped, glaring into his eyes.

James stared at him, realization on his face, "It started again that day, when you saw Marlene and me and you just bolted," then his face turned to anger and he clenched his fists and Regulus flinched again because he hadn't realized James Potter could even get angry, "So you won't even give me a chance - but you're going to stop me from being with anyone else while you fuck off and get married to some pureblooded wanker!"

"I was trying to ignore you!" he shouted back, "You don't understand the pressure that's on me - and it's your fucking fault! If Sirius would just be the heir he was supposed to be, I'd just be the spare again and have more freedom and -"

"You have freedom, Regulus! You can make your own decisions! Don't blame your brother for your cowardice! " James snarled.

"You understand nothing," Regulus hissed before storming off. 

Before he went into the common room, he healed his face of all marks.

Chapter Text

James was still furious by the time he reached Gryffindor tower, a feeling that was momentarily disrupted by his friends hanging out near the Fat Lady's portrait. When they heard his footsteps they all looked over at him with looks of sympathy.

Gryffindor had just won the match. They should be celebrating. He came to a halt and just stared in stunned confusion, briefly wondering if Marlene would have told them - surely not, she wasn't like that…

"We thought we should be the ones to tell you," Peter said first, giving him a sad smile and patting his arm.

"I still think he's not going to be bothered, but these two…" Sirius said with a scoff, although he was failing to mask the concern on his face.

"Marlene figured out her soulmate," Remus explained, shooting Sirius and Peter an exasperated look, "Dorcas had gold bloom out all over her face right in the middle of the party," he explained, scrunching his nose at the memory before laughing softly, "Then Marlene came clutching a bloodied handkerchief to her nose!"

"Oh!" James said, his eyes widening in surprise and then he found himself laughing, "I wish I could have seen that! Marlene's face was a sight , but I'll bet against Dorcas's dark skin it would have been kind of beautiful."

"You saw her?" Peter asked, "Do you know who did it? All she'd tell us is the other guy looked worse - but that's what she always says."

"Well, she's always been right," Sirius said with a grin before raising an eyebrow at James, "I think you do know - gonna tell us?"

James hesitated, then he remembered the conversation and his anger flared back up, "It was Regulus," he said bitterly, "Guess he took the defeat hard."

"Really? That doesn't seem like him," Remus said with a frown.

"He grabbed Marlene and snarled something at her - she punched him, he punched back, if you want to know anything else - ask him," James said, crossing his arms and setting his lips into a firm line.

Sirius grinned, "Reggie did that? And against Marlene? I taught him how to throw a punch when we were little but I didn't think he ever used it again. That's brilliant!"

Peter and James gave him an exasperated look and Remus took his hand and patted it gently, "Not the right takeaway, but I think we can let you have this moment to be proud of him anyways."

"Oh, c'mon - Marls is going to be fine, at least he punched someone who can take it, she's probably more impressed than angry, especially now she's got Dorky," Sirius insisted, rolling his eyes. Then he grinned, "And see, he's perfectly fine! You two were worried for nothing!"

Remus and Peter both sighed and James flushed slightly, looking at the ground. Truthfully it stung a little to be losing Marlene like this. The companionship had helped and the kissing was nice and now he knew his own soulmate didn't want him, he was losing his girlfriend as well. He was happy for her. Really, he was. It still hurt.

He looked over at Remus and Peter who both gave him understanding smiles - he could talk to them about it later, at least. Not all of it. But enough. Then Sirius was looping his arm around James's shoulder and crowing with glee over how Gryffindor had pounded Slytherin so hard that even the snitch couldn't save them - and they made their way into the common room and the distraction that was the Gryffindor celebration. 

—

Once again, Regulus's studying was disrupted by the thud of books being set down across from him. He glanced over at Remus and immediately flicked his eyes back to his work and pretended his heart hadn't frozen in his chest. Did he know? It seemed unlikely, if Sirius had been told his brother wouldn't leave him alone. James probably hadn't told anyone. That was what he wanted. Perfect. Absolutely fucking perfect. 

He pressed his lips together in a thin line and focused on keeping his breathing steady.

"James told us" Regulus felt the world fall out from under him. "that you punched Marlene," Remus said, sorting through his rolls of parchment. 

Right. Of course. That.

Regulus let out a soft chuckle, relief letting it slip out and he sat up straight, "I have since discovered just how barmy Gryffindors are. Sirius gave me a gift basket saying how proud of me he was, and Marlene has asked me to spar with her."

"That sounds about right," Remus said with a snicker, "Throw any more punches and you'll be an honorary Gryffindor."

"Urgh, I'd say you wouldn't dare…" he said, scrunching his nose up in distaste.

"Everything alright? Doesn't seem like you to get into a fist fight," Remus asked gently, his eyes meeting Regulus's briefly before returning to his essay.

Regulus shrugged, "I took the loss badly."

"Mm," Remus hummed in acknowledgement, drumming his fingers on the table. He rolled his lips together before catching Regulus's gaze and dropping his voice, "I don't want Sirius to go back to that house - but I don't think he'll leave you behind."

"Is that so?" Regulus asked stiffly, "You have a higher opinion of my brother's feelings towards me than I do."

"Regulus…"

"I don't know what you're looking for, Lupin. I have no intention of leaving my home and soulmate or not - I hardly think a two month relationship is enough for you to be dictating how my brother should live his life," Regulus said, refusing to look at Remus and returning his attention to his studies.

Remus searched his face for a moment, "If you did want to leave- know you'd have support. You deserve to be safe, too."

"That's enough - you will either drop this subject or leave," he replied icily, picking up his quill and continuing his essay for charms. 

Across the table, the soft scratching of a quill on parchment began. Regulus steeled himself, for some reason Remus's choice to both respect his wishes and stay had caused a lump in his throat. He fought to stay calm, repressing a shudder at the knowledge that if the Gryffindor boys knew what he had said to James, they'd never agree to help him. 

—

James and Peter were greeted to the sounds of shouting when they opened the door to the dorm room. They shared a look and rolled their eyes before going in.

"Hello lads!" James called boisterously. Sirius and Remus just treated him to withering glares before glowering at each other. 

Peter huffed and shook his head, flopping down on his bed and opening his potions book. James went over to the two boys, putting a hand on each of their shoulders and giving them a meaningful look.

“He won’t drop something that’s none of his damn business,” Sirius muttered, jerking his head at Remus.

“Yes - that I don’t want him to go back to that damn house just to spend the summer being tortured,” Remus spat.

“Tortured? I know they’re strict but that’s a bit extreme, isn’t it, Re?” James asked with a lopsided smile, a lump of dread starting to form in his stomach.

“Have you seen his curse scars, James?” Remus asked flatly, flicking his eyes over to the messy haired boy who just swallowed heavily and shook his head. “Then you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Your parents have cursed you?” Peter asked, sitting up straight and looking over at them.

“They’ve healed most of them,” Sirius snapped defensively, “It’s not a big deal - it’s just when I’m being a prat, you know what I’m like.”

The lump in James’s stomach felt like lead now and he just gazed at his best friend sadly.  Peter stood up to join them as well.  At their response, Sirius flinched and shrank back, continuing to mutter that it wasn’t a big deal.

“My parents have never cursed me,” James said quietly, “And I’ve done some … well you’ve seen what I’m like.”

“I’m a bleeding werewolf and my da’s never cursed me,” Remus snapped, “He’s been ruddy trained to restrain werewolves and he still didn’t use that shit on his own son.”

“I can’t leave Regulus with them,” Sirius said flatly, not looking at any of them. 

“He’s not safe with them?” James asked shakily, knowing how stupid it sounded after what they’d just said.

Sirius shrugged one shoulder, “They don’t go as hard on him - he’s the good one, does as he’s told. They heal him faster. Won’t let him scar,” he chuckled darkly, “I’m damaged goods - but he needs to be pristine and perfect so they can marry him off to the highest quality family.”

James covered his hand with his mouth and walked over to his bed, collapsing onto it. The room was silent for a moment as everyone took in what had just been revealed. Remus and Sirius were already edging towards each other, despite their anger the desire to connect and comfort was still stronger. Peter just looked at his feet, not sure what else to do with himself.

“We have to get them both out,” James said, his voice hard and determined.

“Regulus won’t leave,” Remus muttered, tangling his fingers with Sirius’s, “I asked him already - told him he had help if he’d let us.”

“They keep a tighter leash on him, especially since I was sorted into Gryffindor,” Sirius said with a heavy sigh, “I don’t know what to do for him - every time I try I make it worse.”

That was discouraging to hear, and something James had a hard time understanding. Then, his parents had never been anything except loving and supportive. The thought of them raising their wand to harm them even once was inconceivable. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like to live in fear like that.  

It didn’t matter. He would find a way. Somehow - they would get them both out.

—

“Remus? I need to ask you something.” James managed to catch him at the end of their last class of the day- Arithmancy, something neither of their other friends had taken.  Remus just tilted his head to the side in curiosity and smiled, and they hung out in the classroom to wait while everyone left.

“The soulmarks - when Sirius gets cursed - do they feel different to other ones?” he asked, not able to meet his friend’s gaze.

Remus’s face went dark and he nodded, “It’s not like when he scrapes his knee or bangs his shin - it feels wrong .”

James hissed a breath in through his teeth, thinking about all those years of marks that vanished faster than he could catch them - that he’d just shrugged off. Had they felt wrong ? It wasn’t something he’d ever paid attention to. Just brushed it off as normal. It’s not like injuring yourself was ever “right”. 

Then, it was hard for him to imagine Regulus Black scraping his knee or banging his shin. It was entirely possible nearly every mark he’d ever had on his body was from a curse, and that thought only made him feel more horrible. His stomach lurched as he realized that the marks from shaving had never felt wrong - they’d felt… not comforting but familiar, a natural part of life.

James hung his head in shame.

Remus watched him for a moment with an odd expression before carefully saying, “It took me a long time to realize what was wrong. I wasn’t sure until they stopped being healed properly. I think Regulus has always been healed, it wouldn’t be as obvious.”

He looked up sharply, meeting Remus’s honey brown eyes. A question nearly fell out of his lips - could he know? Had Regulus told him? But then it died, because he didn’t particularly want to know the answer. Either he had no idea, and James would reveal it and that would be terrible, or Regulus was willing to open up to Remus. That thought hurt, but at least it would mean his soulmate had someone .

Instead he simply nodded, trying to look detached and thoughtful and knowing he had failed miserably when Remus gave him a long hug before going off to the library.

—

Getting Regulus alone was not an easy feat for James. He was fairly sure Regulus was actively avoiding him. The library seemed to be his best bet for it, except that it didn’t feel particularly private and he had never before realized how often Remus and Lily studied with Regulus. 

Still, it was the best he had so he would surreptitiously go to the library to grab a book or two and scan to see if he could catch Regulus alone. Fortunately it only took a few days of this before he happened to go in while Regulus was in the stacks, looking for a book of his own.  James steeled himself the way he did before a Quidditch match and walked over to him, trying to be unobtrusive without coming off as sneaky. As he entered the row that Regulus was in, the younger boy’s eyes flicked to him once before resolutely returning to scanning the shelves.

“Hey, I need to talk to you,” James said softly, standing next to him and pretending to look over the lines of books.

“I don’t believe you do,” Regulus said tersely.

“I know that you don’t want me - we can still help you get out. You don’t have to be treated like that ever again. You can live your own life,” he said, keeping his voice as level as he could manage and continuing to stare at the titles in front of him.

Regulus froze and took a deep breath, his jaw tensing, “What would your help look like? I’d be giving up the entire Black fortune - not to mention the power behind the family. To do what?”

“To do whatever you want,” he said quietly, looking over at him, “The power behind your family is going to force you into a life you don’t want - so what good is it? And how long until you’re allowed to use that fortune for your own happiness?”

“What do you know about what I want?” Regulus asked harshly, turning his face very slightly before jerking it back.

James hesitated, feeling a desperate urge to reach out physically. To touch him, hold him, soothe him.  He overcame the urge. “I don’t know anything about what you want - but I know you deserve to pursue it, and not have your life dictated to you.”

Regulus took a shuddery breath before storming off.

—

Regulus did not feel the need to wait to get his brother alone. While he did appreciate Remus’s tact, and begrudgingly acknowledged James's - fighting with Sirius was not something he particularly needed to hide. In fact, publicly decrying his brother's actions only made his life slightly easier.

Which was why he stopped his brother on the way out of the Great Hall, completely ignoring the others with him. He grabbed him by the shoulder and snarled, "Tell your damn boyfriend you'll move in with him so your cronies will leave me alone."

Sirius blinked, startled, before realizing what he'd said. His face grew dark, "I'm not leaving you alone with them."

"Why the hell not?" he snapped, "I'm not leaving - you don't want to stay - so just go. "

"Regulus," James said, his voice firm but quiet. Regulus had been focusing his attention on pretending he didn't exist and hadn't realized how close he was standing. "If you can honestly tell me you want to stay in that house, we'll leave you alone."

A growl built in Sirius’s throat, but Regulus reacted first, spitting "Just leave me alone, James." before turning on his heel.

—

The walk to Gryffindor Common Room was spent with Sirius raging at James, furious at the boy for offering his brother an out, while the other three boys rather ignored him and discussed their options. Regulus had not been able to say he wanted to stay - that was enough for them.

"We need a plan, a way out that he's actually willing to take," Peter said as they got into the dormitory, "Just offering help is probably too vague - he needs something he can believe is better."

"He won't go with me the way Sirius would," James said bitterly. Remus shot him a sympathetic look that just made him want to hide, but he shook it off.

"I think da could keep him safe if your parents tried anything, our house probably has more wards than most pureblood manors, but I don't know if he'd want to go with me. We're at best casual acquaintances," Remus said doubtfully.

Sirius huffed and threw himself onto his bed, "He might go with Andy. She's our cousin, left the family to marry a muggle born. Has a little kid - calls her Dora. We aren't allowed to contact her but I've been writing her while in school."

"I remember hearing about that," James said with a small chuckle, "My parents rolled their eyes every time it came up - scoffed that parents would be so outdated."

Sirius grumbled something under his breath before rolling over to pull out a parchment and quill, "Alright then - first step is ask Andy if she won't mind taking in a fellow wayward Black."

"Make sure you tell her my parents will help with any legal issues - anything they need at all, really," James said.

"Will do. Probably hear back from her tomorrow, she's always been good like that," Sirius said, frowning as he wrote, "Then what?"

"Well, you can try talking to him," Remus said, somewhat doubtfully.

"Yes, that's gone so well," Sirius scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"You're the one who he talks to most, Remus," Peter pointed out, "Maybe bring him Andy's letter, tell him about the plan and let him read it."

This led to both Sirius and James grumbling under their breath while Remus went decidedly pink. 

—

Andromeda was a clever witch, and they received her response quickly. From what they could tell, it was likely perfectly worded - the most likely to sway Regulus and avoid raising his hackles.

' My beloved cousin,

It would be my honor and pleasure to offer a place in my home to Regulus Arcturus Black. Cissy has kept me updated of your splendid progress at Hogwarts, Regulus. 

While I know we are no longer close, I have never stopped regarding you as family. I would be delighted to assist in any way you need.

With love,
Andromeda'

No mention of Sirius. No mention of her husband. An offer made directly to him. He wasn't stupid, he'd know who requested it, but the offer was directly to Regulus. Not as a favor to anyone else.

Both James and Sirius struggled slightly to leave it in Remus's hands, despite knowing he was the best messenger. 

—

It had been two weeks since Regulus had confronted his brother about being left alone. And, to Sirius's credit, he had been. Remus continued sitting with him in the library, as had Lily and a few Ravenclaws, but had not spoken a word about Regulus's living situation. 

James had not made the slightest attempt to approach him. He still threw Regulus looks, which Regulus certainly had not noticed and did not search for out of the corner of his eye. His brother was brooding and even across the Great Hall, Regulus could tell he was snapping at his friends. That at least gave him some smug satisfaction. Until he noticed that Sirius's bad mood did not diminish Remus's generously offered affection - that had made his chest feel like it would collapse in on itself. There would never be anyone in his life that would take his moods and still offer comfort.

It was good that they were leaving him alone. Of course it was. It was what Regulus had asked for. It was what Regulus wanted - to stay on the course laid out for him since his birth, not get in worse trouble than he was already in, and certainly not to blindly jump into some hare-brained scheme conjured up by 16 year olds.

This was for the best.

When Remus sat down at his table in the library, Regulus nearly felt himself relax at the familiar, quiet presence. Then a folded piece of parchment was quietly placed in front of him. 

He pressed his lips together, prepared to shout and tell Remus off for letting himself get pulled into these stupid plans. He would at least give him the courtesy of seeing what the damned thing was.

Regulus had not been prepared to see a letter from Andromeda. It had been quite a few years since she’d been blasted off the tapestry, Regulus had only been about 10. Their parents had made quite a show of it, and the entire family essentially erased her existence. Her photos and portraits vanished from their walls and she was never spoken of. 

It was particularly surprising to hear she was still in touch with Narcissa, and a touching display of trust. He had no delusion that Andromeda wasn’t aware of the risk her sister took by staying in touch, and sharing it with him meant she was confident he would hold it in confidence.

Eventually he became aware of his surroundings again, the quiet scratching of Remus’s quill against paper as if he weren’t paying close attention to the boy across from him. It was still an appreciated gesture, giving him space to respond or not.

With a slightly shaky hand, he took out a blank parchment and wrote on it - checking to make sure that Remus could not see. He placed it in a sealed envelope and held it up.

“I’ll send this to Andromeda today,” he said sharply, before placing it in his bag and returning to his studies.

—

Sirius was irritable. James was beside himself. Peter was doing his best to stay cheerful and try to bring everyone’s spirits up. He settled for working with Remus to derail any conversations that included kidnapping or patricide - predominantly Sirius’s suggestions. In the opinion of James and Sirius, it had taken Remus considerably too long to get a response from Regulus. Now it was rather out of their hands. They didn’t know what Regulus had said to his cousin, which only sent the tensions higher. 

There was just over a month until the end of term, and it simply didn’t feel like enough time. 

—

It was a cloudy day, unseasonably cold. The ground was still damp from yesterday's rain. It squelched rather unpleasantly under his boots, but he had survived far worse. He was a wizard. Cleaning and drying was as easy as a flick of the wrist.

With a grimace he sat down on the wet, squishy ground not far from the Forbidden Forest's edge and didn't bother withholding a shiver from the cold and disgust.

"Sorry, only place your boys haven't found me," Remus mused, not looking up from his book.

"They're not my boys," Regulus huffed, willing his cheeks to stay uncovered, "One is decidedly yours and the other is James."

"Yeah, tell them that, the only thing either will talk about is you," he said, offering him a reassuring smile. Then he glowered, "You. And how I'm fucking things up by not just kidnapping you or something."

"I'd like to see you try," Regulus snorted. 

"I wouldn't. I'm not that suicidal," Remus muttered, sighing heavily.

Regulus regarded him for a moment then nodded, "That's good to hear."

"Dare I ask why you decided to track me down out here?" Remus asked, ignoring his comment. 

Regulus shrugged. Normally he'd make a flippant remark about why he needed a reason to. The weather was simply too miserable to drag this out, though. Frankly he would have considered it an impressive power move on Remus's part if he had any reason at all to suspect the boy expected him to find him.

Instead he simply pulled a letter out of his bag and handed it over to Remus.

' Beloved Regulus,

We are delighted to have you stay with us over the summer. I have been offered support by the Potters as well, which was unexpected. I will trust your discretion on that subject. 

Thank you for clearly expressing what your expectations are while you are here. It's important to me that you be comfortable.

With love,
Andromeda'

"I'm not happy about the Potters' interference," he said haughtily, after he was certain Remus had read it, "I don't know how many times I have to tell that boy to leave me alone."

"Regulus?" Remus said quietly, looking up from the letter and waiting until Regulus turned and met his gaze, "I don't actually know what, if anything, you and James are to each other - but you need to understand that he's the kind of person who will help someone just because they need help. You don't have to be anything to him, if you don't want to, he'll still help."

They sat in silence for a moment after that, Regulus scrutinizing his face for the slightest hint of an angle or deception. Remus met his gaze easily, comfortable around him in a way he allowed few people to be.

"Fine," he said, "You can give that letter to them and tell them all arrangements have been made. They can stop their crusade and Sirius can live with you. Everyone's happy."

"He's going to the Potters', actually," Remus said, folding up the letter and placing it in his book for safe keeping, "Like you said - it is a new relationship, soulmates or not, and the Potters are better positioned to stand against your parents if need be."

Regulus snapped his head up at this, frowning, but said nothing. He stood up, spelling his robe and trousers clean and dry and nodded curtly to Remus before walking back, thinking. 

It didn't feel real, disobeying his parents like this. It was difficult to feel safe. He wasn't sure what Andromeda would be like, either, and wasn't prepared to let his guard down. She wouldn't try to marry him off, which admittedly was a large step up, but there was no guarantee what his living situation would look like and, more than that, he was rather panicked about what life after graduation would be like.

It didn't matter that the Potters were wealthy - Regulus did not leave one cage to fall into another. He would not leave the Blacks just to be a kept man. 

For the first time in his life, his future was a blank page. It was a possibility he had never considered, and he needed space to decide what he wanted that future to look like.

—

James had expected that finding out Regulus was getting out of that house would feel better. He was happy for the boy, of course he was, really. 

But there was still absolute silence and no sign Regulus even acknowledged he existed and that… hurt. A lot. Regulus wasn't beholden to his parents and still didn't want James. He probably wasn't the first person to get rejected by his soulmate… right?

Marlene and Dorcas had somewhat adopted him, being the only ones who knew the situation. He spent longer than he'd care to admit curled up on their bed while they all made stupid jokes, competing to see who could get the loudest laugh. 

Sirius was relieved and directed his attention back to planning pranks, which Remus was more onboard with than usual, and excitedly discussing the summer. There was also a lot of nervous fretting over what James's parents would be like, what they'd expect, how Sirius could make sure he didn't fuck it up. 

Life was good. James Potter was a lucky guy, always had been. Amazing parents, rich parents, pretty decent looks, a strong body, great friends. It wasn't like Sirius, who had been abused his whole life. It wasn't like Remus, who faced agony every month and a life of struggling to hold employment due to his condition, it wasn't like Lily whose sister called her the worst insults just for being a witch.  

No, James had an amazing life.

It would really be unthinkably selfish for James to feel upset. 

So he drowned those feelings as best he could, dedicating himself again to being the brightest and happiest he could be. 

—

Regulus was absolutely not watching James Potter. He was not even ignoring him, since ignoring him implied an action and he was simply unaware of the presence or location or anything involving James Potter.

Which is why it was startlingly unlikely that Regulus would come to be aware that something was decidedly wrong with the boy. Yet, he did. 

He noticed the too loud laughter in the Great Hall. He noticed the smiles stretched so tight they looked painful. He noticed him trudging the hallways towards the Gryffindor Tower late at night, still in his Quidditch kit, looking absolutely physically wrecked.

He noticed and as the days passed, it got under his skin and itched like a splinter he couldn’t remove. This bothered him. Controlling his emotions had become vital to his survival, emotional detachment was something he had mastered at a young age. Sirius was the only one who had ever gotten under his skin, and here was this near stranger getting to him despite Regulus’s every effort to avoid him.

It scared him, mostly because underneath was such an intense yearning. He was fairly certain that he could be entirely consumed by James Potter, and happily so - but it wasn’t what he wanted. He didn’t want to escape one place that dominated his life just to fall into another one. It didn’t matter that James said he cared about what Regulus wanted. Regulus didn’t know what he wanted. 

Well, perhaps he knew one thing he wanted.

He wanted James to be happy again. Without sacrificing himself to do it. 

—

James had been practicing quidditch enough that both the team captain and McGonagall had expressed concern. He just laughed this off, though, and continued dragging himself to the pitch whenever there was a gap in his schedule that he couldn't fill with friends. Flying helped clear his head, made him feel useful, was it so terrible?

It was a beautiful day when he walked out onto the empty pitch with his broom in hand. Clear, blue skies with soft fluffy clouds. The sun kissed his cheeks and the wind ruffled his hair. 

The pitch wasn’t empty, though. Near the entrance, watching him with piercing grey eyes, was Regulus Black. James froze at the sight, gripping his broom tightly as if it would hold him up through the swirl of emotions. Confusion, anger, dread, excitement, and throughout it all a deep yearning that threatened to drown him.

Before he had fully regained control of his brain, Regulus had come up to him, frowning.

"You're not okay." It was a statement, and sent irritation flaring through him because he was so goddamned sick of everyone assuming he wasn't okay and honestly where did Regulus get off pretending to care?

He shrugged it off though, with as easy a smile and chuckle as he could muster, "I'm great - no reason not to be."

Regulus's frown deepened, those grey eyes searching over James's face so carefully that it caused his breath to hitch.

"I'm fine, really," James insisted, taking a step backwards, "My life is great - good family, good grades, good friends. There's no reason for me to feel bad, okay, I'm fine."

Perfectly manicured brows raised and the boy blinked at him a few times as realization dawned. It bothered him, made his stomach squirm uncomfortably, and he looked away. 

"Look, I know you don't want anything to do with me - I respect that, I told you it was okay, so could you please just leave?" His voice sounded hollow in his own ears.

"I must apologize, I've handled this poorly," Regulus said quietly and James jerked his head up in disbelief. Regulus grimaced slightly, "I never anticipated having to handle something like this. I - I don't know what I want in life, I've never been allowed to want anything, and I need the space to figure out who I am if I'm not just the Black Heir. And I can't figure that out if I let myself be consumed by someone else."

James shook his head, "But - I want you to have whatever you want. I wouldn't force you into anything. You could be free, and be with me."

Regulus smiled at him, and it was so sad it made his heart ache. The boy simply shook his head, "I know that I could drown in you and be happy doing it - but it wouldn't be the same as figuring out what I want. I have to find out who Regulus Arcturus Black is before I figure out how to be James Potter's Soulmate."

"Is that… something you want to be? My soulmate?" James asked softly, managing to resist the urge to lean forwards. 

"I think so," he replied, biting his lip, "I just need to figure out who else I am first. And unfortunately that means keeping my distance, because when you're around it's hard to focus on anything except you."

James sucked in a breath and grinned, genuine and goofy, "I know what you mean, I feel the same way." 

Regulus blushed. A gorgeous flush of pink across flawless alabaster skin. Again, James had to resist the urge to close the distance between them and for the first time he let himself imagine he saw the same yearning in Regulus's eyes.

"Thank you for telling me all this," he said, his voice quiet and husky and he thrilled at the way Regulus's face went even pinker, "I know it's not easy for you."

Regulus nodded stiffly, "It seemed only fair. I'll leave you to your Quidditch practice, then."

With that, he quickly stalked off. James just watched him, still grinning like an absolute idiot. Waiting wouldn't be easy, but he'd waited far longer to find his soulmate in the first place and he was desperately curious to see who Regulus would become now that he had the freedom to do so.

—

The summer was difficult in ways Regulus did not know things even could be difficult. Watching his cousin doting on her daughter, Dora Andromeda called her, had cut into Regulus like a knife. It sliced deep into some wound he had never realized was there and caused him to tersely leave and retreat to his bedroom. Behind silencing charms where he sobbed and shook as it felt like his entire childhood crashed down on him like a tsunami.

This happened multiple times a day, at first, to the point that he didn't think he would be able to handle another moment. 

Dora was a bright star in her own right, dancing and jumping and laughing. Regulus had never in his life seen children playing so freely. The heartache and yearning it caused him was difficult to navigate and he spent his time stiff and withdrawn. His small cousin was not remotely bothered by this, occasionally bounding over with gifts of picked dandelions (weeds! in their garden!), crayon drawings (with misspellings!), and toys (dented!) which were dropped in his lap with a bright grin. Manners dictated he responded with thanks and she preened before running back to her game. 

Andromeda gave him warm smiles and space. When she approached him, it was with light conversation on safe topics. How he was doing at school, his experience on the quidditch team, commenting on some mundane article in the Daily Prophet. 

Ted would simply sit and read in silence while Regulus did the same. In many ways, Ted Tonks distinctly reminded him of Remus Lupin and it put him at ease so alarmingly that he pulled his defenses up even more strongly. Biting his tongue when he noticed Ted reading books that Regulus had been through numerous times, refusing to comment on it.

Occasionally they would have visitors. Regulus was always warned well in advance and had the option to retreat to his room before they arrived or go out if he didn't want to see them. After a few  weeks, Sirius and Remus had visited. Regulus had retreated to his room for this one, and was somewhat surprised when Remus quietly let himself in and simply sat on his bed, next to him, reading in complete silence. Half an hour later, they both went down and Regulus found himself smiling as Dora and Sirius wove daisy chain crowns to adorn each other with.

James did not visit. He didn't even write, which was impressive and infuriating. Or, it was, until Sirius had asked Regulus to write him. "He's still worried about you, but doesn't want to bother you," his brother had explained, rolling his eyes, "He's the only reason I haven't been sending owls every day - we're all rooting for you, Reg."

Regulus smiled and chuckled, "I'll have to thank him for his restraint."

Which is exactly what he did. Then, he let himself write. Put everything he was feeling down on paper. How difficult it had been seeing Andromeda and Ted doting on their daughter, watching a child play recklessly without being brutally corrected. How he still flinched and shook when he made a misstep, and Andromeda would put a firm hand on his shoulder and just look at him with understanding. 

At the end, the parchment was tear stained and smudged. Bits were scratched out aggressively. It was the ugliest, messiest thing he had ever written in his life and he shoved it into an envelope and onto an owl before he could come to his senses. 

Some part of him needed James to see that - how ugly and messy and broken Regulus was. 

The next day he got back a small package with a letter. The letter was quite simple -

' R- 

I'm proud of you. Thank you.

With love,

-J '

His stomach squirmed. He reread it a thousand times, which was easy enough, and gently rubbed his fingers over the word 'love'. They hadn't said anything like that before. Part of him wanted to be haughty and insulted that James had made such an important declaration so casually as he signed off such a short letter. 

He couldn't bring himself to, though. It reminded him of the easy affection he saw between his brother and Remus. In response to showing the worst parts of himself. 

Finally he turned to the small package, which also had a letter rolled up. This letter was considerably longer.

' Mum noticed the letter had tear stains and ink smudges - I swear I didn't show it to her, she has eyes like a bloody hawk and I didn't put it away fast enough when she came into my room. I don't think she read anything. She insisted I send you this tea, says it helps soothe the soul during difficult times. It's Indian so might taste weird. You can add honey to it - I like it with coconut oil. I know that's weird. You can just throw it out, too, sorry she's really adamant about me sending it. I hope you don't mind. '

Regulus bit his lip and grinned at the hasty scrawl, imagining James's mother shoving a small can of tea into his hands and demanding he send it off. How flustered and nervous James must have been writing the letter, still hoping to help or else he would have just stowed it or chucked it. 

He sniffed the can gingerly - it was a strong blend of spices that weren't familiar. He read the label, but wasn't familiar with half the herbs. The smell soothed him, though, and he committed to drinking at least a cup of it. 

He wrote a quick letter in reply.

' J-

Please thank your mother for the tea.

With love,

-R '

He stared at it, breathless and shaky. It was so simple but felt like a giant leap. Somehow this was harder to send than the word vomit he had sent before, but he managed to tie it to his owl's leg and send it off while the tea was steeping. 

—

September 1st has Regulus nervous. His hands are shaking too much, again. Summer with his cousin had turned into a wonderful, calm and safe bubble that he had never imagined could exist. He had never had the experience of being sad to leave home, and part of him was terrified that if he left now he could never truly return.  It was foolish, he knew, Dromeda and Ted had made it clear that he would forever be welcome in his home and Dora was already demanding he be home for the winter holidays.

It was also nerve-wracking to think about what he was going back to. Some in his house would now view him as a blood traitor. His brother would likely be infuriating, moreso than usual. Then - James. 

They hadn't exchanged many letters over the summer. A few weeks after Regulus's first letter, James had sent his own ugly mess - pouring out the self-loathing he felt every time his mood got low, how he felt he had no right to feel bad with so much to be thankful for, how he needed to be happy and perfect to thank his parents for everything and he couldn't stand himself when that got hard.

Regulus had struggled to respond to that. He'd seen a glimpse of it near the end of term, but had written it off as James struggling with Regulus's rejection. It was difficult to imagine James Potter crumbling and then spiraling because he had no right to crumble. Then, really, it made a sickening kind of sense.

Regulus had managed to put together a simple reply that he hoped would be meaningful to James, sending it along with a small stuffed kitten that Andromeda had given him when he moved in, charmed with a calming spell. 

Despite being able to count the number of letters they'd exchanged on one hand, Regulus felt as though they'd laid themselves more bare and vulnerable to each other than they had anyone else. Well, Regulus knew he had, perhaps it was wishful thinking to imagine he was that important to James.

The doubts and uncertainties nipped at him, growing stronger as the time to leave approached.

He did a final check that he'd packed everything, then a final check of his appearance. Curls perfectly formed, clothes wrinkle-free and tailored to fit his body, skin immacula- 

A glint of gold on his chin caught his eye and he bit his lip, grinning as he gently touched it. He looked himself in the eyes, breathing in deeply as he made the decision not to hide this time, before turning away for the journey back to King's Cross.

—

James, Sirius, and Remus were leaning against the pillar that held the entrance to Platform 9 ¾. A small muggle repelling charm kept anyone from bothering them about loitering, without stopping the parents of muggle borns from seeing their kids to the train. James and Sirius were both positively humming with nervous energy, craning their necks to try and catch a glimpse of Regulus.

Peter had already gone onto the train to save them a compartment, and Remus would have joined him but he felt an obligation to make sure the two boys didn't completely overwhelm Regulus upon his arrival. Aside from their excitement to see the youngest Black, they were also entertaining themselves by discussing the surprise they had for Remus, who was polite enough not to ask if it had anything to do with why his boyfriend's kisses had tasted of mandrake leaf when he'd visited earlier.

"Reggie!" Sirius's shout echoed throughout the station and he bounded over like a dog who hadn't seen his owner for months. James hung back for a moment, until Remus rolled his eyes and said, "Go 'ead, I'll watch the trolleys." Then James was walking over as quickly as he could while pretending to maintain his composure.

By the time James reached them, Sirius had his brother in a tight hug and was pestering him with questions at a mile a minute. Regulus looked exasperated and James just watched them fondly for a moment before noticing the glint of gold on Regulus's chin.

Sirius pulled away and seemed to catch it at about the same time, his brows furrowing in confusion as he looked over to James, who had a matching nick.

"But - you didn't- you can't-" Sirius muttered, stumbling over himself while Remus came over and directed him back to the trolleys, leaving James and Regulus alone.

"Have a good summer, then?" James asked with a nervous grin.

"Yeh, you?" Regulus asked shyly. James nodded eagerly. "Good. Erm. I'm going to ask Slughorn about career options that use potions skills."

"That sounds great," James said, biting his lip and bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet.

"Want to sit with me on the train?" 

"Yes, absolutely - think your friends won't mind?"

"Well, I'd rather it be just the two of us," Regulus admitted, taking James's hand.

James stared at their entwined hands before looking back up at him, "Think you'll be able to manage that? The train gets pretty full."

Regulus chuckled softly, reaching up and kissing him gently, "Just leave that to me."