Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Natasha,

Let me start this email by formally asking, WHAT THE HELL?

I'm going to need clarification. Coulson?! Our Coulson is a ghost in your house, with a scepter in his chest. The same one we recovered?

What happens if it’s moved from the basement? Can I borrow Ghost Coulson? I mean, I guess I couldn’t see him because I didn’t die.

I hate to put it this way, I still can’t believe it, but at least you’ve met your mother now. 

What’s it like ‘living’ with the in-laws? 

All of these ghost visions just started after the cliff on the planet we won’t mention? After you got electrocuted at this, Romanov estate? 

I never pictured you the type to elope let alone move out to frickin nowhere. I’ll have to take Laura and the kids out to the BnB. 

I’ve got to take Nate to swim. Write as soon as the wifi comes back on.

-Clint 

“Who is this ‘Clint’?!”

Natasha looks up from her laptop, the ghost of Rebecca Banner in her beige dress with ratted hair at the back of her head frowning fiercely.

“He’s a friend,” she answers with a frog in her throat. 

“A good friend!” Coulson chimes in, Loki’s scepter still caught in his chest.

“The guy’s off the rails. I never should’ve accepted his ghostly roommate offer,’ Tony leans over, ‘how come Barton didn’t ask about me?!”

“Conceited, asshole,” Gamora flings her ghostly knives into the scrappy wall, spinning back through invisibly.

“Oh please,’ Frigga steps in closer, ‘Natasha is emailing and you didn’t tell us?! How else are we supposed to entertain ourselves?”

“Uh,’ Tony points to himself, ‘my very half-existence should be entertaining enough?”

“Bruce?” Natasha cracks her knuckles, calling for the lone living figure currently in the abandoned castle in need of work, “Is there any way I can convince you to move that, helmet of Tony’s to the shed?”

“Hey!”

“Sorry, Nat,’ Bruce pokes his head in through the large door, ‘I can’t do that.”

“Thank you, man!” Tony gestures, inching closer to Natasha, “I have a message for the dork. Tell him-.”

“I don’t have the capacity for science jargon right now!” Natasha holds her face.

“Tony?” Bruce questions.

“Yep. No! He’s not here. I repeat, I don’t have the bandwidth for intermediating science jargon right now. Sorry. Tomorrow, I promise.”

“Hi Nat! What’d we miss?” A dark haired brunette twirls her hair and snaps her gum, Natasha has come to know is the aunt of Bruce Banner.

“Oh my god,’ Natasha holds her head, ‘go away!”

Bruce lingers, mouth contorted in confusion, “Ghost thing?”

She nods, “Ghost thing.”

“Hi Mrs. Romanov.”

“She’s not here.”

“Loki?”

“Nope,’ she shivers, eyes dilated, ‘huh…is that a butterfly? I suddenly feel high.”

Bruce rolls his eyes, “Hi, Aunt Susan. Wherever you are.”

“She’s here,’ Natasha wrinkles her nose, ‘Right here. Real close, smelling like weed. Hugging me…”       

Chapter Text

“Hey Bruce,’ Natasha swipes the mousepad on her laptop as she trails her husband now that she’s found him, ‘come look at this.”

He pauses in his tracks, screwdriver in hand, “Has my mother seen it?”

“Just Frigga,” Natasha leans when he peers over her shoulder, standing in the atrium.

The figure of Thor’s mother lingers behind Natasha, snooping to read the laptop;

“No! It’s not true!”

“Shh, I want Bruce’s opinion,” Natasha scolds to what would appear to be vacant air, “It says here that my mother kept Norse artifacts in the basement.”

“Annnd that explains Frigga. Sorry, ma’am,” Bruce is next to address no one in particular- except, in the wrong direction.

“Sir!” Loki corrects, despite knowing Bruce cannot see him.

“I wonder what else my mother could’ve possibly collected and why,” Natasha bites her lip in anticipation. 

“Ask her,” Bruce shrugs mid coach, “She’s here, right? Mrs. Romanov?” 

“Uh,’ Natasha closes her laptop, looking over the room, ‘let me do the talking. Okay?”

“Now why on earth,’ Rebecca enters, hands raised, ‘would you let Bruce call your mother when I’m right here?!”

“It’s a personal thing, Mrs. Banner.”

“Hi mom,” Bruce lifts a hand, “hey if you’re good I’d like to start cleaning up that electrical path in the second guest room-.”

“Go for it,” Natasha nods, watching Bruce head up the staircase with his toolkit.

“I heard the word ‘personal’. I’m an expert eavesdropper,” Susan stumbles through the closed door.

“Personal, Susan. Personal means that she does not want to talk about it. And because we are GOOD and DECENT in-laws, we will not pry. She will come to us once we have earned her trust. Until then, we must be patient and kind to dear Natasha. In the hopes that one day she will trust us enough to share-.”

“Ugh!” Natasha rolls her eyes upward, “Alright fine! I’ll tell you!”

Frigga leans in.

“Not you,” Natasha clarifies.

“Oh,” Frigga darts the other way.

“Yyyes?” Rebecca lifts her ear.

Natasha sinks backwards onto the couch of the main living room, allowing Rebecca to sit on one side while Susan sits on the other.

“I’ve never met my mom when she was alive. Moving here and seeing her here. All of my research lately and learning who she was, my family. It’s all been too much. Meeting your mother as a ghost- anyway, I ran away after the introduction and haven’t spoken to her since.”

“What?!” Rebecca shouts.

“Wait,’ Susan sits upright, ‘whose mom?”

“I’m nervous to go looking for her,’ Natasha reluctantly explains, ‘what if she doesn’t like me? What if she’s been avoiding me too?”

“Honey,’ Rebecca shakes her head, ‘who wouldn’t like you?”

Susan lifts her hand as if it’s the most interesting part of the room, “…Veterans of the Cold War?”

“Susan!” Elaine snaps.

“What?!”

“You can come out Elaine,’ Natasha sits with her arms crossed, ‘I know you’re there.”

The ghost does so with timid steps, “I’m sorry I didn’t wish to interrupt-.”

“I know you’ve been snooping.”

“Oh. Well as long as I’m here,’ Elaine scoots closer, ‘you have absolutely nothing to be concerned about. Of course your mom will love you! We all love you and, we’ve only just met.”

“You have absolutely nothing to be worried about,” Rebecca reassures.

Susan smiles, “We’ll be right behind you.”

Rebecca nods, “You will. I better go see what Bruce is up to.”

“Thanks,’ Natasha shrugs, ‘I’d hug you but I-.”

“Please don’t,” Susan hiccups.

“If I may-.”

“Not now Loki!” Rebecca, Susan and Elaine all whip their heads around. 

Natasha hesitantly creeps into the space, one foot in front of the other. 

She braves the location with the wallpaper tearing and the mob behind her.

“ Preevet ?”

“Is that my little girl,” a woman in scrappy joggers and a blouse looks up with a thick accent and pouty lip.

“It’s me, mom.”

“Let me look at you.”

“Please,’ Elaine scoffs judgmentally, ‘as if she hasn’t been stalking Natasha-.”

“Shh!” Susan hushes her sister. 

“I have so many questions,” Natasha circles the dark space lit by a stray bulb, “For starters, why do you hang out down here?”

The ghost shrugs, “You don’t, come here. I didn't want to scare you. Force myself on you until you were ready.”

Natasha looks behind her, pulling up an upholstered chair, “I have so many questions-.”

“You can see me, I’m so happy.”

“Of course I can see you.”

“And them?” 

Natasha looks to the side, sighing, “Oh. Yeah. Unfortunately I can see them too.”

“Come sit, Elaine. She knows you’re there. You too Susan.”

“Damn it!” Susan stumbles forward.

“Wait,” Natasha scoffs, “You know them?”

The woman nods, eyes wide, “Of course! We watch old films together when you leave the television on at night.”

“Roman Holiday,” Elaine nudges the woman.

“-a classic!”

“I,’ Natasha scratches her forehead, ‘didn’t realize you were all so close. This is wild.”

“Natasha? Darling,” Rebecca walks through the wall, “I hate to interrupt but you’ve got to get that hammer out of Bruce’s hand and tell him to step away from the wires before he kills himself. Not that I don’t want to speak with him again, but you two only just got here!”

“I'm on it.”

“I’ll come with you!” Her mother announces. 

“…to where?” Susan spins in a circle.

“Upstairs, you, baboon!” Elaine snaps.

“Bruce?!” Natasha yells as she runs through the home, her mother on her tail.

“Nat?” Bruce looks over, screwdriver in his mouth as he talks through it.

“Those wires-!” Rebecca gasps.

“Bruce!” Natasha reaches when the switch snaps and the sparks fly and he falls backwards, “Tell me you’re alright. We can’t afford any green. We just patched the wall.”

“Green?!” Banner panics having fallen on the ground, “There is no green! Horrible color.”

Natasha glares, “Now you’re being dramatic.”

“I’m never,’ he squints, uncharacteristically tugging away from her, ‘ dramaticheskiy! ”

Natasha’s eyebrows lower, “That’s a big word for someone who only started learning Russian.”

He brushes himself off and turns in a circle.

“You hit your head,’ Natasha sits in her heels, ‘hulk or not that’s got to hurt.”

“I did hurt my head,” he relents.

“Oh my poor nephew!” Elaine gasps.

“Take him to bed Natasha!” Rebecca interrupts, “Cold compress-!”

“Yeah, I’ve got it,’ she glares at the ghost, ‘thank you.”

Susan spins, chewing on her hair, “Has anyone seen Mrs. Natasha’s Great Grandma?”

“Who? You mean her mother- Susan?! Will you spit out your hair and focus?!’ Elaine glares, ‘Bruce is likely concussed, and all you can think about is getting more gossip!”

“Sorry.”

Chapter Text

“Oh good, you’re up,” Natasha munches on a piece of breakfast from a nearby chair, watching her husband blink as he awakens.

She rubs her nose and offers him a bite.

Bruce sits up from the bed and takes it, shoveling it into his mouth like a squirrel hoarding nuts for the winter. 

“Ugh,’ he spits it back into his hand, ‘ valovoy. Natasha, were you cooking again?”

Her eyes flick up like knives, prepared to stab him for his snappy response, “Excuse you?”

“ Da ,’ he nods, turning away, ‘you should stay out of the kitchen.”

“I’ll blame this on a mild concussion and let you off the hook for the morning.”

“Hook, what is this hook? What are you speaking about.”

“You’re taking funny. Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Natalia,’ he squirms and stands when she gets too close, ‘it is too early for hugs. I am hungry and need decent food, malyshka . Why am I- what is this?”

Her mouth contorts, “I really think you should get back in bed. And where is this attitude coming from? Is the hulk coming through today?”

He huffs, puffing his chest, “Hulk, indeed!”

“Psst!” A ghost appears out of her peripheral vision.

“Not now, Susan.” 

“I have to tell you something.”

“I said, not now,” Natasha glares. 

“Someone’s at the door.”

“Oh shit-,” she scrambles, making a mad dash for the stairs.

Natasha slowly opens the door, greeting her guests in Czech, “Welcome to the Romanov BnB.”

“You’re just in time for breakfast,” Tony claps giddily and fakes excitement behind her.

“Shut up,” Natasha talks through her teeth, addressing her guests, “Err-! Shut up, you’re here already? We are so happy to have you. If you’ll follow me, I’ll show you your suite.”

“Are you giving them my room?! You better not be giving them my room. Natasha?! Not my room!”

“Has anyone seen Natasha’s mother? I was going to suggest some one on one mother in-law smelling-of-the-tea together. I’ve searched this whole mansion,” Rebecca hugs herself as she vaporizes through the door.

“No, I haven’t,’ Elaine sits comfortably on the sofa, poking at her hair, ‘Now if you’ll excuse me, Patrick Swayze is about to swing his majestic hips-.”

“Elaine!”

“What?! I love this film!”

“Not to interrupt your party,” Gamora vaporizes next, “But we have a problem.”

“Let me guess, Tony tried texting on Natasha’s phone again,” Elaine rolls her eyes.

“Worse,” Gamora sits next to Elaine, “The ghost tracker in the basement keeps going off and Natasha’s mother is missing-.”

“Well of course it’s going off. That’s where Maria and Tony sit to watch my nephew-.”

“I think Oksana Romanov somehow managed to possess Dr. Banner last night.”

“The devil-!” Elaine clutches her chest, “Is that even possible?! I’m sure it is, but I’m more so referring to Susan’s speculation of Oksana missing. I thought it was another one of her hallucinations.”

Gamora twirls her knife, “I have never heard these Russian songs coming from the laboratory, trust me, I know music. And the way Dr. Banner is pacing frantically through the kitchen criticizing Natasha’s cooking-.”

“And?”

“Focus Elaine!” Rebecca holds her head, “Ow- How can we help? There must be something we can do! My son! Natasha is going to be so hurt by the criticism! We have to tell her.”

“…is this truly a bad thing? I can only tolerate the smell of burnt everything for so long. The poor girl could use the help! And from her mother too. It’s a bonding experience.”

“Elaine! No.”

“Alright!…After Baby gets lifted in the air. The movie is almost over.”

“Now!”

“Well alright! Way to ruin the time of my life!” 

Bruce traipses into Natasha’s office with purpose holding a fork and a plate.

She swivels in her chair, “If this is your way of apologizing for this morning.”

“Eat,’ he shakes his head, shoveling a forkful in her face, ‘you have been avoiding food in favor of work. It is too much.”

“Okay, okay! Geez,” she accepts the bite.

“And sit up. It is bad for your back,” he brushes her shoulder.

“Oh my god,’ she chews, covering her mouth with her fingers, ‘did you make pirozhki? It’s amazing.”

“Yes, eat,” he holds her face and kisses her forehead, brushing her hair.

She chokes down her swallow, eyes shifting up, “Okay, what is going on?”

“Nothing. I’m happy to see you.”

“Yeah? I’m happy to see you too?”

“Pssst!” 

Bruce glares directly at Rebecca. 

She gasps, “You can see me!”

“He can’t see you,’ Elaine points out, ‘that’s Osksana.”

Banner glares fiercely and slices across his neck.

“Ooh she’s scarier in person. She kinda looks like Bruce,’ Susan twirls her hair, ‘wait! Am I tripping, or did she just threaten us in my nephew’s body? AKA the hulk?”

“Yes,’ Gamora watches with sharp eyes, ‘yes she did. I could end this now-.”

“No!” Elaine grasps the arms of those closest to her, “SISTAHS?! We must take this directly to Natasha. If she will not give up the body, Natasha will have to drive her out of it!”

“My mother did what?!” Natasha stands in the middle of the room, falling backwards on the sofa. 

“How does one, possess? Exactly?” Loki questions.

Frigga smacks his arm.

“Let’s say I got really close to the lab computer,” Tony taps his lips.

“I will kill you. And it will not be done mercifully,” Natasha snaps. 

“I’m already dead, so.”

She stands with rage on her face, circling, “MOM!”

“Ohhh, this is bad,’ Rebecca chases after her with the group trailing behind, ‘gently, GENTLY. I’m sure all of this was out of love! I would’ve done the same thing-!”

“-Give it up, mom,’ Natasha addresses Bruce, ‘the ghosts told me what happened, I know EVERYTHING!”

“But, Tasha-.”

“Don’t even! I know it’s you!”

“Ugh!” Bruce goes off in Czech, throwing his hands as he circles, “…everything I do-!”

“Mom,’ Natasha catches his arms, ‘I understand you’re upset. I’m sure all of this must’ve felt amazing; being alive again, feeling like you had a second chance. I want to get to know you more than anything but it can’t be like this. I need my husband back.”

He blinks, eyes shifting toward the small table, “No.”

She scrambles, chasing down her husband who has managed to snatch the keys.

“ Bohze moi ! Mom!”

“Do NOT let him drive that car! He isn’t sober!” Elaine shouts.

“He’s not drunk, he’s possessed! Mom!” Natasha shouts back, darting by her guests as they stand on the bottom of the staircase watching the encounter with half of the dialogue.

“He’s going through the barrier!” Tony shouts as the car starts up.

“Come on!” Natasha runs into the driveway. 

Bruce speeds through the gate, awaking as the car spins and comes to a harsh halt.

Oksana flies out, flipping over her shoulder, “Nooo! My body!”

“Hey,’ Natasha runs to the driver’s side, patting his shoulder once the door opens, ‘hey, you’re okay. You’re okay right? It’s you?”

“Tasha? Uh,’ Bruce trembles, climbing out of the car, ‘what just happened…? Did I hulk out?”

She wraps her arms around him, “…I have, so much to fill you in on.”

Chapter Text

“..and that’s when I got the jump on him,” Natasha boasts, tea in hand.

“…my precious girl,’ Oksana smiles proudly, ‘tell me more about the men you’ve stabbed-.”

“We can continue this conversation later,’ Natasha looks over her shoulder, ‘I’ve got to get ready for company. Thor is coming so we need to childproof the mansion a bit before he arrives.”

Loki vapes through the door, blue fingertips folding as he paces, “Forgive the intrusion-.”

“Not now, Loki.”

“I could’ve sworn you uttered my brother’s name amid an infantilizing joke. I must say I’m, amused.”

“Oh,’ Natasha fluffs a pillow and shakes her head, ‘no, actually. We do have Love coming too. His adopted daughter.”

“What?!” Frigga storms in, hands balled into fists, “I am a grandmother and no one told me?!”

“Well, I’m telling you now.”

Oksana shakes her head disapprovingly, “You will tell me in a nice cake I can smell. Cut it open and tell me the gender. The way they do on TV show.”

Frigga shuts her eyes, cringing, “Are you going to tell Thor about me?”

Loki grins, “Tell him of me first! Boast of my heroic deed-.”

“I NEED, to prepare the house!” Natasha glares at the mob, “No more distractions!” 

Bruce answers the door when the bell rings, greeting Thor and Love;

“Thor!”

“Banner!”

“Thor,” Bruce opens his arms in anticipation of a hug.

Thor already has his arms around the doctor, “You are smaller than I remember!”

“I’m not small-.”

“Thor,’ Natasha steps in, ‘welcome. And you must be Love.”

The little girl smiles and nods, “Uncle Thor said I get my own room.”

“You most certainly do,’ Natasha extends a key, ‘why don’t you run upstairs and see how cool it is?”

Loki frantically steps forward, “Good heavens no! The markings on her eyes! She is the spawn of the devil! Natasha?! I require your assistance in translating for my brother! I have questions! Romanoff!”

“Natasha?!” Frigga runs up the stairs behind her, “Help me talk to my son! Tell him I’m here! Natasha! Don’t ignore me! Bruce-! Never mind, he can’t see me.”

“Do not fret, mother,’ Loki grabs her arms, ‘if the Russian insists on remaining useless, we will use our magic to get Thor’s attention.”

“You two!” Natasha glares directly at the ghosts. 

Thor and Bruce look up with the latter questioning, “What?”

“Nothing!” Natasha smiles, stepping down the stairs, “Nothing, I just. Meant. Aww, look at you two.”

Thor giggles, “Living in this mansion has made our mutual friend sentimental. How wonderful!”

“Yeah,’ Bruce crosses his arms, ‘is everything okay? No uh, unexpected guests lingering?”

Natasha’s eyes widen, head tilted.

“You know,’ Bruce struggles to remain inconspicuous, ‘the ants?”

“Right,’ Natasha rocks back on her heels, ‘no they’re, they’re here. Again. Lingering for sure. Two uh, two swarms in particular that just-…got so excited that we have Asgardian company- did you bring Meade? That’s probably what brought them out.”

Frigga gasps, “How dare you!”

Thor lifts his jug, “I have indeed! These ants you speak of must have good taste.”

“They’re annoying actually. Driving me CRAZY,” Natasha fakes a snicker.

Bruce forces a laugh, “Would you excuse Nat and I for just a minute.”

“Yes, of course!” Thor throws his luggage up over his back, “I shall check on Love!”

Natasha and Bruce dip into the kitchen with the door swinging behind them.

“Loki?! You’ll listen to me,” Bruce steps forward. 

Natasha reaches for Banner’s shoulder and rotates him, directing the remarks to Loki, “He’s over there.”

Bruce accepts the correction quietly, “-if you cause any problems this weekend, you’re out! I’m taking the Tesseract’s old briefcase to the dumpster! Do you understand?!”

Loki smiles, hands behind his ghostly back, “I do indeed.”

“Well?” Bruce checks in with Natasha who stands with her jaw agape.

She shakes her head, “I don’t like his tone.”

“What did he say?”

“Loki! He’s not kidding. If you and your mother start causing trouble-.”

“Not trouble,’ Frigga waves her hand in dismissal, ‘some harmless magic.”

“They want Thor to know it’s them,’ Natasha shakes her head as she conveys the ideas to Bruce, ‘they keep using the word ‘magic’.”

Banner glares, “What does that mean?! Can ghosts perform magic?! I don’t like that.”

“Me neither.”

“Mrs. Frigga? If you’re in here-.”

“She is.”

“I will figure out which artifact you’re possessing and chuck that too.”

“Chuck? What does he mean chuck,” Frigga questions.

“He’ll throw it out,” Natasha translates for the ghost.

“Natasha! You can’t,’ Frigga panics, ‘I only wish for one conversation with my son. Please!”

“Fine!” Natasha rolls her eyes and lifts her finger, “One! And if I deem your questions inappropriate I will not ask them.”

“I believe we’ve come to an agreement.”

“Now,’ Loki circles, ‘about the child-.”

“You will be kind to her,’ Natasha glares, ‘no antics, no games, no magic. Understood?”

“…indeed.”

“Good.”

Bruce waits, lifting his shoulders, “Are we good?”

Natasha pivots, “We’re good.”

Chapter Text

“You will consume your meal, politely,” Thor’s voice drones on in a monotone lecture for the child beside him.

“No!” Love smashes her fork onto the table, “I won’t!”

Natasha and Bruce both jump back over the tone on the opposite end of the dark wooden table. Water rattles in their glasses, covered in condensation from melted ice.

Thor sighs and resumes his parent persona, “I will not repeat myself.”

“You have,’ Frigga huffs, ghost form sitting next to Natasha as she snarls with disapproval, ‘only 9 times now. We see how well that’s working for you.”

Natasha grips the chair underneath her as she makes every effort not to turn her head. 

Frigga turns hers along with her entire upper body, blue dress contorting in shape as she rotates, “You must convey a message.”

“I agree with my mother,’ Loki leans forward, ‘observing Thor as a parent has become tiresome.”

“Alright enough!” Natasha’s palms find the tabletop, “I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been sitting here quietly listening and waiting patiently to share how I feel about Love not enjoying dinner!”

“Naaaat,’ there’s a sense of warning in Bruce’s tone, ‘think about this.”

“And I think it’s time for ice cream!”

Love stands on her chair, “Yay!”

Frigga gasps.

Loki scowls, “How could you reward such behavior?!”

“I will go fetch it now!” Natasha looks up toward the ceiling as she yells. 

Thor waits until she’s gone to speak up, whispering to Banner, “The countryside has changed you both, friend. Perhaps more socialization would aid in Natasha’s lack of eye contact though. And yoga, maybe, would cease the need for shouting.” 

“It’s the house, you know. It’s so big that we’ve gotten used to projecting. And, not knowing which floor we’re on, ya know,” Banner lifts his head up and around in demonstration, “I can’t find you, Bruce, can you HEAR ME Nat, it’s such a BIG house for TWO people.”

Thor blinks stoically as the doctor embarrasses himself. 

Bruce continues to force words, “We’re fine. She’s fine. Everything’s fine-.”

“BRUCEEE!” Natasha yells from the kitchen.

“NAT? WHERE ARE YOU? I can’t imagine where you’ve gone-!”

“What is wrong with you?” Natasha pokes her head out, “I’m in the kitchen, would you come here for a second, please.”

“Shhh!” Bruce closes the door behind them, “Thor is getting suspicious.”

“Well of course he is,’ Natasha widens her eyes with her head tilted, ‘you’re carrying on like Cooper Barton when we went to New York and got just outside the Jones Beach tunnel, ECHOO!”

“That’s not what I sound like. What’s wrong? Is it a ghost thing?”

Natasha uncaps the black cover from off the vanilla bean, “Yeah. Your bestie left a message in the gallon.”

The nearby ghosts lean in to read the gallon over Banner’s shoulder. Coulson cringes next to Rebecca and Maria reaches to smack a snickering Tony.

“Aren’t we,’ Bruce scratches his head and circles, ‘just scooping it out and into a dish anyways?”

“A ghost touched it! Tony touched it! You don’t think that’s weird?!”

“Okay, okay! It’s weird, but weird has been my life since ‘Bruce Banner? My name is Thaddeus Ross and I’d like offer you a job’ and I said, yes, like an idiot-.”

“Bruce! I promised ice cream.”

“I’ve got it,” he scrambles to reach for a coat left on the smaller chair in the kitchen.

“Where are you going? There’s no grocery store for miles- we’re in the middle of nowhere Russia,” Natasha steps to follow him 

“I’ll figure something out. Just keep Love from releasing her laser eyes on the house,’ he holds her shoulders and kisses her forehead, ‘and try not to react to the ghosts so much unless you’re planning on explaining your lack of eye contact to Thor.”

“Easy,’ Natasha rolls her eyes, ‘injury in the yard. My eyelids are burning.”

“I’ll be right back.”

Frigga comes in closer to Natasha, “Can we speak now?”

“No!” Natasha shouts and pulls up two chairs, “Sit down! The rest of you?! OUT!”

Frigga and Loki slowly sink down, seated beside each other with their eyes on her.

Natasha exhales and runs her hands through her hair, “Kids grow up. And when they do, you need to let them go. Thor is a grown ass man Frigga. And he’s going to raise this child that he never asked for, the way he sees fit and YOU need to find some way to deal with that. Loki! You! Need to learn how to respect boundaries. I promise that even if you were in this room right now, Thor wouldn’t want your opinions! Either of you! So if you’re going to be present, be quietly present! I’m not asking again!”

Loki shows every ghostly tooth as he laughs, “Romanoff, you should be grateful we are not using magic.”

“Bah! Nah! Stop!” Natasha holds her forefinger up fiercely. 

“We apologize,’ Frigga answers for the both of them, ‘we’re just excited to see Thor again.”

“I understand.”

“Can we, go back to the dining room now?”

“Yes. Quietly.”

“Natasha?”

“What Frigga?” She sinks into her hip.

“May I request something of you? I wish to speak to Thor now. My questions? Would you mind asking them while we wait for your poor fool of a spouse to retrieve the sweets? I shall refrain from judgement.”

Natasha sighs with half an eye roll, “Alright well, you’re off to a bad start on that last part…but yes. We can talk with Thor while we wait.”

Love pouts upon Natasha’s arrival. 

“Sorry, I didn’t realize we were out,’ the redhead sits across from them, ‘Bruce just ran out to get some.”

Thor smiles, “It is quite alright.”

“Sorry Love.”

“It’s okay, Aunt Natasha,” the little girls smiles long enough to warm the Russian’s heart before turning to Thor, “May I play upstairs?”

“Yes, you may,” Thor dismissed her patiently and finished his meal.

Natasha bites her cheek as she addresses the demigod, “You know I, we haven’t really caught up in a while.”

“We speak?”

“I mean! Not really. You had your corner and I had mine even when we lived under the same roof. I was thinking of game nights.”

“Ah yes.”

“When we shared stories.”

“Did they not bore you?” 

“No! Not at all. I was always busy and tired after missions. I genuinely care about your stories. Super interesting! Mmm. It was always more, uh, lively at the tower when you’d come visit.”

“Indeed,’ he laughs to himself, ‘when I would fly through the window.”

“Yeahhh. Forgot about that.”

Frigga whispers, “Ask him about the cape! Does he have my hand sewn embroidered cape still?”

“So uh. You know I, I know so little about,’ Natasha continues, ‘how your wardrobe works. I assume it’s all illusions but I’ll ask anyways-.”

“It was red!” Loki chimes in. 

“What ever happened to that red cape of yours?” 

Thor shrugs, sitting back in his chair, “Oh my! My old battle gear! Such magnificent stitching. I believe it is in my closet. Were you aware that my mother Frigga, was her name, sewed that for me?”

“Really?” Natasha forces a laugh, “No kidding.”

Loki whispers, “Ask him what Love’s family name is!”

Natasha relents and asks the question, “Have you officially adopted Love?” 

“Of sorts,” Thor answers proudly, “She is a daughter of mine. Absolutely. And I would not have things any other way.”

Frigga holds her heart, “Aww.”

Loki sits back, “I admit, he would appear to be happy.”

Natasha mumbles under her breath toward Loki behind her smile, “Don’t ruin it.”

Thor looks up confused, carefully laying his cloth napkin down, “It is clean.”

“Oh. Not you. Just. Making a mental note in my head. Cleaning. Never stops.”

“Such a big home.”

“Yeah! That.”

Chapter Text

Natasha cares deeply about her friends. After returning from Vormir and hearing news of Tony’s loss, there was a pit in her stomach. 

Now, sitting in the basement turned lab turned tech room, she’s growing tired of translating between the nerdy duo. 

“Tell him,” Tony chimes in occasionally. 

“I did it! Tell Tony I did it. Did he see that?” Bruce is giddy as he holds his head in the lab. 

Natasha smiles, briefly looking up from her tablet, “Yep!”

“Really?!” The ghost of his best friend narrows his focus, “You’re not conveying my excitement!”

Natasha glares, stands up and cheers fictitiously, “Yeah! Woohoo!”

“Much better,” Tony claps with approval.

Bruce laughs, “Is that what he’s doing right now?”

Natasha rewraps the sweater she’s wearing by its black buttons, “Sort of. Times that excitement by 12. Look, Bruce. I love being involved in your projects. But it is 1am. And your cousin is coming tomorrow.”

“I gotcha. We’ll pick it up some other time,” Bruce reaches, immediately leveling out his mood and plopping into his computer to save his projects.

“You ruined the mood,’ Tony whines, his suit clanking along as he runs toward Bruce to yell behind him, ‘She’s a mood ruiner!”

“Ugh,” Natasha groans.

Bruce can’t help but look over his shoulder, “What is it? Is it Tony?”

“No, it’s fine.”

“What did he say.”

Tony runs back to Natasha, “Tell him! Tell him that you’re a killjoy! That I said you ruined Boy’s Night!”

She smirks and focused I her husband, “Tony says he’s very proud of you.”

“What?!” Stark whines, “No! I mean! I am-!”

“Really?” Bruce smirks sadly, “Well. It wouldn’t be a success without you, Tony. You might be a ghost but your ghostly mind is still sharp as obsidian.”

Tony sinks, his shoulders falling forward, “Ohh buddy. That gets me.”

“I miss you, man,” Bruce whispers.

Natasha contorts her mouth to hold back tears and swallow the lump in her throat lifting her hands to her hips.

“Tell him I love him! Right now!,” Tony sniffles, stomping his metal foot.

“Bossy!” Natasha whispers to the ghost. 

She steps closer to Bruce, draping her arms over his shoulders. Her lips find his stubbled cheek in a sweet kiss. 

Bruce leans into it, continuing to save and shut his screens, “Hi.”

“Hi,” she smirks and nuzzles against his neck. 

Tony clears his throat, “Ehem! My message of affection?! Say it, Romanoff or I’m turning the computer back on! There will be a dick pic finger drawn on your shower door! Is that what you want?! That’s it! Loki?! Natasha needs you to project creepy mirror images!”

The couple part from their noses brushing together over a loud notifying ring from the front door’s bell.

“Are we expecting guests?” Bruce reaches for his phone to check the time.

“Not tonight,” Natasha leads them upstairs.

“I’ll race you there!” Tony cackles and speeds through the walls. 

When Bruce reaches the door with Natasha and a nosy group of ghosts behind them, the door swings open. 

A short curly haired woman in an oversized blazer waves with a wide smile on her face;

“Hi ya, Doc!”

“Jen?! It’s 1am! We thought you weren’t coming until the morning.”

“I left early. SURPRISE!”

Natasha reaches to hug her after Bruce, “Hi Jen.” 

“Woah this place…This is a lot to take in. Baller investment you guys.”

Natasha rubs her hands together, attentive to the ghosts of Gamora, Tony and Oksana who have come to ‘greet’ their guest. 

“Are you two getting a lot of interest? Have you had guests?” Jen asks.

Bruce scoffs, “Thor was here last week. So, you just missed him.”

Jennifer removes her blazer, “Oh, huh. Is he still single? Not that I care-.”

“Ha!” Tony laughs loudly in Natasha’s ear, “Where’s the popcorn to smell? This is gonna be good!”

“He’s focusing on his kid,’ Bruce clears his throat and cuts her off, ‘Can I grab you anything?”

“Nah,’ she flicks her wrist, ‘I don’t expect you two to entertain me this late in the night.”

“Maybe she will watch televideniye !” Oksana states excitedly. 

“Good thinking,’ Gamora crosses her arms, ‘Natasha? I don’t mean to bother you but I thought you said she was big and green? This is a little disappointing, I’m not going to lie.”

“Bruce can show you to your room,” Natasha smiles and addresses the staircase, catching herself when she sees Susan on her way down, “In one minute- no rush.”

“Jenny?” Susan calls softly, “Is that my Jenny?”

“Where?!” Elaine comes vanishing through the walls.

Bruce shakes his head watching Jennifer head for the stairs with her massive green glittered luggage, “You’re awesome, guys. Thanks!”

“No no wait!” Natasha warns all too late.

“Woah,” Jennifer shivers, frozen post walking through the happiest ghost in the castle.

“Uh,” Bruce glances between Natasha who is biting her nail and Jennifer, “Are we, are we good? Those uh, stairs. Can get wobbly?? Sometimes. They cleared the inspection! No need to sue.”

Natasha drops her hand slowly, “Speaking of suing.”

Jennifer’s brows lower, “…What sort of wild Russian air are you pumping through these vents, Cousin?”

Natasha forces a laugh and swats her husband playfully until he starts laughing with her, “It’s just your standard, venting ventilation.”

Jennifer shakes it off, “What a rush! Careful, make sure you’re staying legal around here you two!”

Chapter Text

“Ask her about the cat,” Susan is standing crooked, lowered opacity fingers reaching mid-question.

“Never mind the cat!” Elaine nudges her sister, “How’s Morris?!”

Natasha selects the last question to repeat, sipping her tea.

Jennifer tilts her head from side to side, “Dad is Dad. He loves to fuss in the garage and take things apart. He's busy with a new convertible.”

Elaine holds her forehead, “Such frivolous spending. He could afford to update my headstone.”

“Ask Jenny if she's met a man!” Susan prods further.

Natasha lowers her mug, sitting in the sofa ‘with’ Elaine and Susan across from Jennifer, “Are you seeing anyone?”

“Ha!” Jennifer leans back, dodging behind her laugh, “I was. Things got awkward when I met his parents. They didn't like the whole, hey! I change colors! Thing.”

“Got it.”

“Yeah. I don't know why I can't find a decent man with a family who won't judge me. I mean, you manage well. You don't find it strange.”

“Not anymore. It, does take some time to adjust. Be patient.”

“Adjust to what?” Elaine glares with foggy eyes, “What's wrong with turning green?!”

“I'm back with a menu!” Bruce enters the living room with a laminated sheet.

“Oh wow,’ Natasha leans back, ‘where was this? In the attic?”

“I made it myself, thank you very much,” He looks in between the twosome, “What’ll it be?”

“Ooh uh,’ Jennifer taps her lip with her green painted nails, ‘hmm.”

Natasha crosses a knee in silence, “There are a lot of options.”

“Well?” Bruce impatiently urges his cousin to pick.

Jennifer lowers the paper, fingertips spread as they tap each other, “What else do you have?”

“What do you mean, ‘what else’? I have what's on the sheet,” he gestures, sitting on the edge of the table.

“It's just. It's quirky, cousin.”

“What's quirky about it?”

“Natalia!” Romanoff hears her mother lecture as she passes through, doing her best version of dusting from beyond the grave, “That table is a priceless gift from the Czar and not to be sat on!”

“Bruce?” Natasha rubs her temple.

“Yeah, what?” he looks over his shoulder.

“The table.”

He blinks.

She shuts her eyes as her mother goes off in Russian and answers quickly, “We have other furniture meant to be sat in.”

“Okay, okay!” Bruce stands, cautiously pressing the air as if the gesture will calm Natasha. 

Her mother nods and continues through the next wall.

“I'm thinking,’ Jennifer looks upward toward the ceiling, ‘steak.”

“Steak,” Banner’s eyebrows lift.

“Yes. And mashed potatoes. Not from the bag.”

“That's not on the menu.”

“No, but that's what I want,” she smirks.

“Uh huh…That’s nice,’ Bruce takes his page back in a huff, ‘seriously?!”

“Seriously.”

Elaine throws her hands into the air, “Who spoiled HER? Natasha?! You go find the inheritance money and split it with Bruce.”

“Bruce will get mine when I,” Susan swipes a finger across her neck.

“You've been dead for years, Sue! Your money was divided up and given to the children years ago!” Elaine glares.

Susan's eyes widen, “What do you mean ‘dead’?! Who's dead?! Is my ex dead?”

“YES!”

“Finally! I should've shot him years ago.”

“SUSAN! So are YOU!”

“Wait, you said I'm dead too?,” she giggles, “I am still groovy, right? I look good? …What were we talking about?”

“Your spoiled niece! What did YOU do to my precious girl?!”

“Me?”

“No! The moth in the window- YES YOU! I trusted you!”

“Okay!” Natasha rolls her eyes, “I'm about to jump off a bridge.”

“Ooh! Natasha! Then you'd be dead and you could join us!” Susan claps her hands together, “Where will your inheritance money go, dear?”

“SUSAN!” Elaine snaps.

“Nat!” Bruce yells, “Don’t joke about dying! Ever!”

“Sorry, it's hard when the company around here is so,” she groans, voice drifting as she stares directly at Elaine, “tired, and picky.”

Jennifer laughs and points to herself, “That’s on me. I'm sorry, I'm being difficult.”

“No! Not at all.”

“YES! She is! As difficult as her dumb aunt!” Elaine shouts, crossing her arms.

Her sister is sitting back, intrigued by her hand, “Geez. Chill out and try some shrooms, Lainey. Open your mind. Live a little.”

“AGAIN! We can't live! We’re dead, Susan!”

“Oh yeah,” She smiles, “Being dead is incredible. I feel so free. Why are you so miserable?”

“Because you're high, Susan! If you dropped dead sober, you’d be as ‘miserable’ as me.”

“Do you guys mind if I get some air,” Jennifer stands with every intention of removing herself from the living room.

“Of course not,” Natasha shakes her head with concern. 

Bruce sighs, a hand on his hip, “I’ll drive through the country until I find you your steak. I’ll cook it too despite my vegan preferences if it’ll make you happy.”

“Oh,’ Jen shakes her head, ‘I don’t want to put you out.”

“No no! I love you, and I’m glad you’re here. Let me treat you.”

“It was a long flight.”

“I know.”

Jennifer lifts her eyebrows, “A really, long flight.”

“Yes, I know.”

“Thanks Doc,’ she slaps his arm, ‘I appreciate you.”

Natasha stands with her own sigh, “I’ll start on the potatoes.”

“Thanks dear!” Jennifer blows her a kiss. 

Natasha blows one back, shaking her head. She turns and whispers under her breath, “She’s just like you and Susan.”

“Oh well,’ Elaine flips her hair, walking with Natasha, ‘if you say so. Wait! What on earth are you saying? That I’m difficult to please and picky? Natasha! Stop ignoring me right now! Natasha! I know you can hear me!”

Romanoff heads into the kitchen, evicting the present ghost, “I really need you to get out Coulson.”

He shrugs, “I get it. It’s hard to think about food when you look at me with a scepter stuck in my chest.” 

“Sorry.”

“Carry on, I’ll just be in my prison,” he sulks.

“Coulson.”

He sniffles dramatically, “Bored with nothing to do.”

“Alright,’ Natasha rolls her eyes, ‘I’ll turn the television on.”

“I don’t want to be difficult.”

“I heard there’s a new Captain America documentary out.”

“Oh? Ooh!”

“Come on,’ she smiles, ‘let’s go find it.”

“Nat?! Nat! Nat! Red!” Tony runs up behind her, suit clanking.

“Give me five minutes,” Natasha pauses on the staircase.

“It can’t wait, I was snooping on Jen and Bruce went out to meet her. I think it’s important.”

“I swear to god, Tony,’ Natasha lifts a finger, ‘if this is about her dating life-.”

“Jen just lit up.”

“What does he mean?” Elaine prods, also on the crowded staircase, “Lit up?”

“I don’t think you want her out front playing puff the magic dragon.”

“Oh my god,’ Natasha shuts her eyes, ‘no! Bruce was with her?”

“Err, you’re not going to like this part-.” Tony cringes, “They may or may not be green and mid argument.”

“Are you kidding me right now?!” Natasha heads for the window.

“Woah woah woah! Now isn’t the time to confront-!”

“When is?! When we get fined? When Bruce and Jen get arrested for a very public, very green brawl?! How bad is the damage? Bozhe moi, it’s on the front yard too. Move Stark or I’ll be walking through you.”

“Let’s just think this part through.”

“Who is Puff?!” Elaine shouts, chasing behind her.

“Ohhh,’ Susan doubled over at the waist, sitting on the stairs, ‘I knowwww.”

“Nooo!” Elaine whips her head between the two of them, “Not my child!”

Romanoff stomps her foot, “This is NOT a bud and breakfast!”

“Heyyy! You were right about Jen,” Gamora enters, knives in her hand, “She IS green!”

Chapter Text

Natasha paces the living room with Banner and Walters looking up at her with their large brown eyes still full of frustration. Now a more appropriate human size, they sit on the sofa as Natasha lectures. The ghosts linger by the door with the exception of Elaine Walters who is on the verge of eviction.

“Now! Can we handle conflict in a mature, respectful manner,’ Romanoff pauses in her discipline, lowering her voice after screaming at the duo, ‘or am I locking you two in the hulk proof basement to continue duking it out? You can’t fight on the front lawn. We don’t need unwanted attention.”

“Natasha, I’m sorry,’ Jennifer sighs, gesturing between Bruce and herself, ‘but this is between us.”

“You brought me into it the second you turned green and punched my husband.”

“I punched her,” Bruce admits sheepishly.

“I decked you first,” Jennifer laughs angrily.

“You tried.”

“I succeeded.”

Natasha throws her arms in the air, “I am finally starting to understand what drove your aunt to smoke.”

“Wait! Aunt Susan?” Jennifer turns her gaze, “Bruce talks?! About family?”

“Jennifer,” he groans.

“No, I want to know what she knows,” Walters lifts a finger, shifting in her seated position, “because, you don’t talk. You avoid.”

“Not with my wife.”

Romanoff crosses her arms, “I don’t know, Bruce. I think you should listen to her.”

“…what?!”

“Inhale. And exhale.”

“Nat,” he grips the edge of the sofa.

“Stop. Don’t get excited.”

“Mm. See,’ Jennifer turns to face him, ‘that’s your problem, cousin. You can’t work through your trauma until you confront it.”

He laughs with his cheeks turning an angry shade of olive, “Me?! You’re the one who cursed me out!”

“You turned green on me!”

Natasha shakes her head, “Because you insulted him and punched him in the jaw.” 

“How do you know?” Walters looks her up and down, “You weren’t there!”

Bruce chuckles, “Ohh, boy.”

“Shut up!” She snaps at her cousin.

Natasha yells, gently blocking Bruce from moving closer to her, “Jennifer!”

“Somebody has to talk some sense into you, Bruce,’ Jen huffs, ‘you’re never around long enough for any other family member to do it.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,’ Bruce glares, ‘excuse me for trying to avoid the toxicity!”

“So I’m toxic? My dad is toxic?!”

“Don’t, do that JEN!”

Elaine clutches her chest, “Who is he calling ‘toxic’? How dare he! Jenny is fragile, she needs me. She misses me! Tell her I’m right here-.”

“Not right now!” Natasha holds a hand on her husband’s pounding heartbeat within his chest, “Can everyone just breathe for a minute?! Both the sun and my patience are getting REAL low.”

Walters raises her volume, fixated on Bruce, “I get it, your father sucked! But you take your bullshit childhood trauma out on everyone else when all we wanted to do was be there for you!”

Banner’s chest fills as he inhales, “You don’t understand!”

“What-! What don’t I understand? Abandonment? Neglect?!  I understand both of those thanks to you!”

“What did I EVER do to YOU other than love you like a sister?!”

Jennifer throws her arm to the side, tears in her eyes, “A sister?! You cut me out of your life for 15 years! You then moved across the god damn ocean just as we were rebuilding our relationship! I miss you, Bruce!”

Banner sits heavier in his chair, no longer resisting Natasha’s block. His head tilts with tears in his eyes, “Jen…”

Natasha sinks in a nearby chair and holds her head, legs extended.

Walters clears her throat, brushing a slipped tear from her cheek.

“I miss you,” she repeats herself, “Mexico was different, it was far but I could make that drive. Now you’re so far away and. Well, I’m stuck with Uncle Tucker and no one to bitch about him with.”

Natasha looks up cautiously, watching Bruce settle with a gentler focus on Jen and she for him. 

Jennifer lifts a tired hand toward Romanoff, “I barely got to know my new sister before you left. And. When you did I felt, alone. Hell I found a dealer and that’s when I started smoking. I felt closer to Aunt Susan and you because of all the…dumbass memories we made in the treehouse back when we were kids. Times were simpler then.”

Susan covers her mouth, “Aww!”

Elaine crosses her arms, “HMMPH!”

Natasha shakes her head, “Why didn’t you just say that?”

Jen shrugs, wiping her nose with a knuckle as she rolls her eyes, “I don’t like confronting my problems either.”

“Jen, come here,’ Bruce extends his arms and wraps them around her tightly, ‘I’m so sorry. None of it ever had anything to do with you.”

She holds him close, nodding, “I know. I just love you, that's all. And I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to-.”

“Forget it. I forgive you,’ he holds her shoulders, giving them a light brush, ‘I want you to know Nat and I want to open up about everything I just. You know, when Tony–-I don’t handle loss well.”

“I know,’ she nods, ‘Just know that I am here. Whenever you’re ready to talk.”

He sighs, “Can you forgive me?”

“Oh man,’ she clicks her tongue, ‘maybe if you’d catch a flight to LA once a year, we can come to an agreement.”

He chuckles, messing up her hair and playfully pushing her away, “You’re difficult, Fuzzball.”

“You’re a pain in my ass, Doc.”

“Hey. I found something of your mother’s recently,” Bruce says as he checks in with Natasha who nods.

“Oh! Oh my word. Natasha, you would send me home? With my daughter?” Elaine clutches her heart. 

Jennifer swallows, “Oh?”

She follows him out of the room and toward the basement with Natasha and the Banner/Walters sisters behind her. 

When Bruce reveals an engraved locket on a small chain from inside a locked safe, Jen takes it from his grasp immediately, “Wow. I know exactly what this is. It’s from our Grandmother. Mom gave this me, years ago. She used to tell me stories about her. How did you?”

He shrugs, “It must’ve been with all of the moving boxes. But there’s not much I can do it. I barely knew her.”

“Me neither,’ Jen chuckles, ‘only through memories. I know my mom loved her very much…It’s like I can feel her presence.”

“Oh,’ Natasha widens her eyes, ‘me too. Definitely.”

“Natasha? Dear? If I may?” Elaine brushes in front of Romanoff who turns her head. 

“Darling,’ Elaine elaborates, “I can see what you’re trying to do here but. See the thing is, I miss Morris. More than anything. But, well I’ve been spoiled here.”

Natasha lowers her eyebrows, reacting non verbally out of fear she’ll look insane to Jennifer.

Elaine bites her lip and nods over her shoulder, “Do you see those two? Behind me?”

Natasha nods upon spotting Susan Banner and Rebecca Banner mid conversation. 

“They’re my sisters- you understand,” Elaine explains, “I lost them once. I believe fate has opened the door needed to make up for lost time. Jenny is grown now and Morris has moved on. Even if I did move, it would be painful to love them from afar. To be just a memory. And besides, I like talking to you. YOU can hear me.”

Natasha smirks with half an eye roll.

“Whatcha doing over there sis?” Jennifer questions Natasha.

“Oh nothing, just checking out the drywall,’ she shakes her head and sneaks in between the cousins to take the locket, ‘Bruce? Do you remember that photo album you found and refused to open? I’m sure Jen would be more interested in that than some, rusty, older heirloom. Something more connected to Elaine than a grandmother you two never met. I mean, come on now. We can’t all be as sentimental as you.”

“Uh…Is this about, the ants?” Bruce scratches his head.

“Who knows how many ants have been in this box.”

“You guys have an infestation? Wow,’ Jen’s eyes widen, ‘So where’s the album? I’ll show you who is who if he won’t, Nat.”

Chapter Text

“And thanks again for Boardwalk,” Bruce smuggly announces as he hoard his fake cash and sits against the red sofa with his ankle over his knee.

Natasha rolls her eyes as she assesses the damage done to her fictitious account. How dare someone charge more than an average income for a night round stay.

“Maybe we should lower our prices,” she mumbles in reference to a life outside of Monopoly.

“For this mansion,’ Bruce gestures, ‘I don’t think we’re charging enough.”

Natasha rolls her dice and groans over her lack of luck.

Bruce snickers over her second attempt, “One more sneaky maneuver like that, and you go to jail.”

“What else is new,” she flings her snake eyes onto the table.

“Psst!”

She glares at the Ghost of Maria Stark, “Excuse yourself, please! It is date night. You know we don't like to be interrupted. Please go hang out with your family.”

“But Natasha,’ Maria protests, ‘You're only playing games and I feel the need to warn you that guests are approaching.”

“Who is it?” Bruce looks up towards a vacant space.

“Maria,” Natasha mumbles.

“We have guests,” Banner deduces as Natasha lays her chance card onto the table. 

“We have guests,” she reiterates.

“It’s a good thing,” Bruce insists as they walk toward the door, “We need that upstairs bedroom air conditioner, and after all the hail damage.”

“ Bozhe Moi …” Natasha mutters in recognition.

“What is it?”

“The car.”

“The car? What about the car?”

She whips her head, aware of her wide eyes as the approaching trio pounds on the door.

“Promise you won’t divorce me.”

“Nat,” Bruce laughs with a nervous expression.

“I mean it,” Natasha grips his purple collar, “Promise that no matter what happens, you will not leave me.”

“Natasha,’ he rubs her shoulders tenderly, ‘what is going on?”

“Tell him! And tell us,’ Elaine adjusts her top, ‘We’d love to know.”

“You’re out of tea, Natasha. And the bed sheets could use a wash,” Maria calls from the kitchen.

“Another guest?!” Coulson whines.

“Natasha!” A muffled voice can be heard at the front, large man peering into the window. 

A dark haired woman shoves her nose against the door next. A blonde on the other side sticking her tongue out.

“It’s my family,” Natasha announces to Bruce begrudgingly who has already made the connections with his eyes wide in horror.

“Family,” Oksana scoffs, “Your family is dead.”

“Family, as in…living family,” Natasha clarifies for her mother.

Almost in unison, Oksana and Bruce mumble an ‘oh’ with opposing emotions. Both in defeat.

“Oh,” Natasha repeats with sarcasm, eyeing the two of them, “Yelena.”

The blonde enters first, bag on her shoulder, “It’s dusty in here.”

“Natasha!” The dark haired woman pushes through.

“Mama Melina,” Natasha hugs her.

“You look so beautiful but it smells like weed- why it smell like weed? Natasha we need to talk about this-.”

“Yeah, it’s a long story,” Romanoff glares at Susan for snooping and lingering at the door.

“Natasha!” The man pushes his way inside, door slamming behind him, “Such a nice palace you have. You share all details with your mother, yes?! You show me all the places.”

“Good afternoon. Alexei,” Bruce extended a hand.

“It is not,’ Alexei dismisses and circles back, ‘Natasha! You show me guest room!”

“Wow. Dad,’ she scratches her head as he shuts the coat closet, ‘please don’t slam the doors like that. Our hinges are fragile.”

“I’m hungry, Natasha,” Yelena whines and stomps through the hall.

“Shoes!” Bruce calls out.

Yelena rids hers as she walks, one boot at the desk the other at the bottom of the stairs. 

He sighs, hands over his mouth, “Yelena? Hey Yelena? Kitchen is this way-. I’ll make you something.”

She stops in her tracks, in opening every door, “You are the best brother.”

“Thanks,” his chest puffs. 

“You’re welcome,” she slaps his back.

Alexei rolls his eyes and stomps behind them, “I also am hungry! And not for fake food Natasha tells me you eat- No! I will not eat almonds and fake things. I am Red Guardian. I am hero. I am carnivore, do I offend you skinny American?”

“Dad!” Natasha yells, “Stop it-.”

“-I would like full tour of the Romanova Mansion,” Melina announces, wrapping an arm around Natasha.

Romanoff grimaces, watching Oksana’s jealous frown out of the corner of her eye. 

“Well,’ Natasha lifts her hand, ‘this is the front door.”

“I see,’ Melina parts only momentarily to retrieve black framed glasses from her bag, ‘Such nice decoration. It is so Russian- Natasha! You don’t slouch! Stand up straight.”

“I’m not-.”

“You are. You look like someone punch you in the stomach. Up! Show me proud shoulder. Strong!”

Oksana smiles, “I like her.”

Natasha glares at the ghost of her other mother. And then back at Melina, “You don’t pick on Yelena this much.”

“Yelena is your father’s baby,’ Melina whispers, ‘she is cute slob. Like Alexei. You always been different.”

“I think this is a compliment?”

“Turn around. Do not be sentimental on first day of our visit. Show me next room.”

“This is my desk, where I check people in.”

“So far from front door?!” Melina gawks, “Anyone could walk into house! Where is security footage?”

“Up there,’ Natasha points to the corner of the dark room, ‘Don’t worry, I see everyone’s comings and goings. And to be honest, it’s mostly been family and friends.”

Melina shakes her head, “How you pay bills? You have hung your superhero cape.”

“Well. That’s the challenge of this dream, I guess. Hoping one day we can have Bruce make enough not to spend 24/7 in the lab and or have me teaching ballet every Tuesday-.”

“You teach the ballet?” Melina laughs.

“Why is that funny?”

“It is funny! You save the world, now you tip toe dance with pink tutu.”

“It’s not like that.”

Melina taps her arm, “Do not get defensive. Show me next room.”

“You can’t judge the kitchen, it’s received the least amount of work. And I-,” Natasha opens the doors to Alexei shouting, Yelena standing on top of the dining table and Bruce with a green neck.

Behind the living are Tony Stark, Maria Stark, and Phil Coulson, watching in full amusement. 

“Good heavens!” Elaine Walters appears, “Natasha do something!”

Oksana storms over to Alexei, “He is goon! Nothing like your father.”

“…I’m not ready to have that conversation, mom,” Natasha mumbles under her breath.

Melina snaps Natasha back from her previous dialogue, “The conversation about what?”

“Nothing,’ she refocuses, ‘Yelena! Off! Dad! Back up. Bruce?! If you’ll just- Excuse us!”

He huffs, dragged out of the room by his arm. 

“The hell?!” Natasha asks, closing the door behind them.

“Alexei gets me riled up!” Bruce points, talking through grinding teeth.

“So I’ve noticed. It’s been ten minutes.”

“He has a way of, getting under your skin.”

“Yes.”

“And he plants his irritating seeds of doubt in your mind, making you question your own IQ.”

“Sounds like Alexei.”

Bruce sighs, “Alright! I’m sorry, I’m sorry for letting him get to me. I’m good.”

“You’re good?”

“I’m good.”

“Hulk is good?”

“Hulk is great, fantastic,” Bruce opens the doors, leading the couple back into the chaos.

Yelena has thrown the flower, Alexei holds a broken chair, and Melina is now standing on top of the table trying to manage the room.

“…Nat,” Bruce pauses, dumbfounded.

Natasha reaches for the doors, slowly closing them in her best attempt to go undetected, “We’ll check on them later, huh?”

Chapter Text

“Lainey! Oksana! The Monkees are on-Butterfly!…Prett- hiccup. ”

“Not now, Susan!” Elaine swats her ghost sister, “Alexei found the Vodka, and we can’t find the kids!

Rebecca paces, gnawing at her fingernail, “I'm getting anxious just observing. Natasha will be so mad. Oh, it's just terrible.”

“That is Natasha’s good Vodka! I kill him for her,” Oskana threatens, waving her fist. 

Susan tugs at her hair and bites it as she drifts into the room to spin around herself. 

Yelena darts by with urgency, calling for her sister. 

“Look out, Susan!” Rebecca warns too late.

“Woah,” Yelena swerves and hits the wall. She blinks twice and holds her head, bouncing down the rest of the hall. 

She hums to herself to the horror of Oksana, who mumbles, “Oh no…”

“Cheer up, sleepy Jean!” 

“Oh, what can it mean, to a Daydream Believer!” Susan claps, grabbed by Elaine at the collar of her colorful fringe vest. 

“I clean and sort whole Laboratory and what-!” Melina announces as she collides with Yelena, who spins her mother mid-dance.

“Yeah!” Susan plows through the duo unrestrained.

Oksana blinks while Rebecca mumbles, “Oh my god,” on repeat. 

Oksana turns her head toward Elaine, “I will kill your sister now.”

Tony comes plowing through next to address the ghosts, his eyes bugging from his bloody head, “WHERE IS SHE?!”

“Who?” Oksana asks.

“Melina! The destroyer of labs! Everything is ALPHABETIZED IN RUSSIAN! For a guy with rage issues, touching his workspace was too risky! Where is Natasha?!”

Oksana blinks and rolls up the sleeves of her regal sweater, eyeing Melina, “I will kill Natasha’s fake mother now.”

“Wait, wait, wait! No one is killing tonight!” Elaine coaches, “We must breathe; this is Natasha’s family.”

“ I am Natasha’s family!”

“My point remains, we cannot do anything until we find Natasha.”

“Romanoff!” Tony yells, heading down the hall while Yelena and Melina continue to spin.

“Get her to stop! She make my Russian friends look as fools. They already do that themselves!” Oksana points to Susan.

“I will. Susan? Now Susan, dear,’ Rebecca circles her, ‘you cannot keep making Yelena and Melina high no matter how cute that mother-daughter dance is.”

“I've got this,’ Tony takes Susan’s elbow, ‘how are you, Miss Susan? Full of positive energy today? You've got all those Chakras aligned?”

“Always!” Susan sways on Tony’s arm.

“Wow!” Maria Stark wails, chasing him down, “That’s MY spot on his arm!”

Stark pauses to extend his other elbow, “Relax. I've got room for you, Mom.”

She flips her hair back, sticking her tongue out at Susan.

“Guys!” Gamora arrives in the hall, “I found Bruce and Natasha.”

“Where? Show me!” Oksana pushes her way forward.

Gamora sighs, “I can't. They're in the forbidden corner. The room we are never allowed to enter.”

“No!”

“Yes!”

Rebecca gasps, “But Alexei and Melina! They are out of control! Someone must warn them.”

Elaine nods, “Indeed! Someone must enter the forbidden room no matter the cost.”

“Loki,” Gamora says unapologetically.

“No,’ Oksana brushes herself off, ‘I must go. I am Natasha mother. It my responsibility.”

Rebecca bites her lip, tapping her shoulder, “Good luck.”

Natasha sips her drink in a crunched position with a foot propped up on the wall with its exposed insulation. 

Bruce sits opposite Natasha in the congested space, knees where her head is as he throws a tennis ball repeatedly against the wall. 

Natasha switches the hand holding her wine glass mid-rant in a forced Russian accent with dramatic shoulder lifts, “Pose with your beautiful sister, Natasha. Smile Natasha. Open fake present, Natasha…I swear if you hit me with that thing.”

Bruce lets his head fall to the side, ball in hand, “As long as your parents are here, this place is a prison. What do you need me to do? I'm not allowed in the lab; Melina judges my projects. I can't cook because your dad won't leave the kitchen. I owe Yelena a round of Mario Kart, but I can't do that without your mom popping up behind the couch asking me why I'm wasting the day.” 

“And that is why,’ Natasha smiles as she whispers in fake zen, ‘we are in the crawlspace.”

“I should be handling this. And I will,’ he throws the ball and barely catches it, ‘it’s just that your dad scares the crap out of me.”

“Trust me; I get it.”

Oksana clears her throat and seems to be bumping her head. 

“No!” Natasha chokes, raising a finger, “No ghosts allowed! This is the one room-!”

“Oh no,” Bruce lets his head fall, “It's your mom, isn't it?”

“You can’t be up here,’ Natasha remains focused on Oksana, ‘You’ve told me multiple times how hard it is to breathe.”

“You let my house become mess!” Oksana lectures, “You permit crazy man to drink your expensive Vodka!”

She snorts, “That’s nothing. Whatever keeps Dad quiet.”

“Natalia,’ Oksana shakes her head and coaches gently and takes Natasha’s same position beside her, ‘I will talk. You will listen.”

“Yes, Mama,” she mumbles sheepishly.

Bruce can't help but smile subtly. He earns a glare from Romanoff and shifts his glance elsewhere.

“This house,’ Oksana gestures toward the ceiling, ‘this house is what I leave you. And Alexei ruin things.”

“I’m aware, yes,” Natasha mumbles.

“Shh!” 

She sighs, head back far enough for the younger Romanoff to see her same green hazel eyes looking back at her. 

“They, not your family,’ Oksana starts, ‘but they are family.”

“Maybe you should say it in Czech.”

“I will be your mother. Always. But Melina love you. Err, not the same. My love is stronger.”

Natasha huffs. 

“And Alexei,’ Oksana gasps, ‘he is not your father. But he love you.”

Natasha wipes her nose with her hand. 

“You have a sister now,’ Oksana lofts a shoulder and holds it up, ‘Family. I’s complicated. Family hurt you. I know, I learn from Elaine and Susan and Rebecca- and Maria Stark is crazy.”

“I know.”

“They all crazy. Crazy not matter.” She carefully reaches to touch Natasha’s chin, lifting it upward if she could, “Find the good. And evict them when Friday comes.”

Romanoff nods, brushing her hair from her face with renewed energy, “Alright, Mama.”

Chapter Text

“I really don’t understand what the big deal is,” Gamora toys with her knife on the sofa, feet propped up on the ledge, “Natasha is aging at an average super human’s rate. Is mortality worth celebration?”

“First of all, Elphaba,’ Tony gestures, hand raised, ‘Like I explained to your sister-.”

“-You knew my sister?”

“Nice girl. Pleasant scowl.”

Phil taps his ghost hand over and through the tabletop, “Can we refocus on party planning?”

“I would be happy to explain the celebration of aging,” Loki addresses Gamora.

“Humph,” she scoffs and pulls away from him.

“Beer. Lots of beer,” Tony announces.

“Flowers,” Phill adds.

“Will parents be in attendance?” Loki asks cryptically.

“Hell no!” Tony’s eyes widen in horror, “That would come with opinions!”

Phil scratches his head, “I’m not sure we have a choice on the matter. They’re capable of hearing this entire conversation.”

Maria Stark plows her way through and into the kitchen, “Indeed we are! How many events did I schedule for the Stark company? How many birthday parties did I host for you Anthony Stark? And this is how you repay me! By keeping me off of the party planning committee.”

“Mom, I never meant to exclude you,’ Tony pouts, ‘but you don’t know Natasha the way Phil and I do.”

Coulson huffs, “Uh, back up! To even put yourself on my level is absurd.”

“To exclude me from your level is absurd.”

Maria swats Tony’s hug away, “No. You are doing this all wrong. Where are the musicians? The caterers? Where are the decorators?!”

“I was getting to them, mom.”

“The finest!”

“Obviously.”

“Expensive!”

“ …How are we paying for this?” Phil asks cautiously.

Tony wiggles his fingers, “Banner left his card out. And I can reach into the technical world- remember? I’m still great with computers.”

“Are we sure it’s a good idea to enter his information without consent?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?! After it’s all over I’ll tell Natasha to tell Bruce it was all my idea. He loves me. He loves my ideas.”

“OUR ideas.”

“It’s for Nat. He’d do anything for Nat.”

Maria holds her head, “Oh no! What does this mean?! How many kegs are you purchasing?”

“See what I meant?’ Tony whispers for Loki’s and Gamora’s sake, ‘Opinions.”

Gamora chuckles, whispering back, “You're about to get three more.” 

Elaine floats through the walls with Susan and Rebecca behind her. 

Susan circles the kitchen and heads for the rosemary plant in the window, in awe as if she’d never seen it before, “Oh look at this cutie! I shall call him Charlie! Hello Charlie, how are you?”

Rebecca empathetically pats her shoulder. 

Elaine’s hands are flailing as she announces loudly;

“We heard you needed assistance planning Natasha’s birthday party.”

“Oh no,’ Tony holds his face, ‘we don’t want to burden you- thanks!”

“Oh nonsense,’ Elaine sits at the table, ‘when I was alive, I was president at Jennifer’s school of the Parent Teacher Association.” 

“I’m sorry Mrs. Walters, how does that qualify?”

Loki shrugs, “I’m no professional when it comes to the mortal education system, though I once impersonated a member of the PTA on a dare. One can assume she refers to event coordination and simple parties with many children and small orange-.”

Phil points, “Mandarins?”

“No.”

“Nectarines.”

“Orange slices.”

“My point stands,’ Tony glares, ‘adult birthdays and kid school events have nothing in common.”

“Not even the fact that both events likely have too many opinions?” Gamora raises an eyebrow.

“Okay, they have one thing in common.”

Phil stiffens his back and neck over Oksana’s arrival and the way she storms straight to the table. Maria is pushed from her way as she stares directly into his soul;

“You were not planning my daughter’s birthday without me.”

“No!” Phil stammers.

Tony points, “He totally forgot to invite you.”

Coulson pants, “No! Not at all!”

Oksana plops in a chair and scans the table full of plans. 

One by one she points to what she needs Tony to remove from the options.

“Flowers need to stay,” Phil defends his selection.

“And not just any flowers, flower arches,” Maria chimes in. 

“Wasteful,” Oksana snaps.

“They’re pretty!” Maria defends herself. 

“What is this rubbish I see?!” Frigga storms in, “Party planning? Without me?!”

“Oh my demigod,” Tony sinks into a chair at the table, head buried in his arms. 

Oksana frowns, “Where is Vodka?! It is not a party without Vodka.”

“Will you please, stop, with the alcohol! We do not need drinks to party,” Elaine rolls her eyes. 

“Now, even I disagree,” Loki smirks.

Phil rubs his eyes, “It was never this complicated when we were at the office. Clint planned it, we all went along with it.” 

Rebecca lifts a finger, “Um-.”

“No balloon arches!” Oksana shakes her head. 

Tony glares at her, “Respectfully; do you hate happiness?!”

Maria leans forward, “We’re keeping the arches!”

“Can we-.” Rebecca tries once more to offer advice.

“Budget!” Elaine claps her hands, “What is the budget?”

Maria yells, “We need to discuss food!”

“Not yet-!”

“I could go for some food,” Susan turns around from the window.

Rebecca sighs, “I think we should-.”

“Where is meat?!” Oksana stands.

“We’re not on food yet! We have a whole weekend to fill with plans first,” Phil defends himself.

Rebecca stands and raises her voice; 

“Has anyone bothered to check the calendar to make sure Natasha’s home and that we are not encroachin’ on any plans my boy has made to spend her birthday with her!” 

The room falls silent.

“We uh. We haven’t, no,” Tony admits softly.

“Alright. Well,’ Rebecca adjusts her dress and sits back down, calmly folding her hands on her lap, ‘maybe we start there.”

Tony stands slowly, “I will uh. EHEM! I’ll go check the calendar. The one in the lab.”

“Oksana,’ she smiles sweetly, ‘would ya please tell us what’s important to you in celebrating your baby girl?”

Oksana nods stoically, chin up as she addresses the room;

“Yes I will! We start with food…”

Chapter Text

“Alright! Confess!”

Natasha storms into the kitchen.

“What?!” Tony gasps.

“You know what,’ she lifts a broken calendar, ‘this was knocked off the wall of the lab.”

“Nice going,” Gamora nudges him.

“Get off me,’ Tony whines, ‘I liked your sister better!”

Natasha circles, “You could've just asked me! Instead of snooping around.”

“I don't snoop!”

“Who else is in on this? On whatever you're scheming.”

“No one.” 

“Tell me.”

Gamora squints, “Wait a minute. How did you know where Dr. Banner’s calendar was if YOU weren't snooping?”

Tony points over his shoulder toward the woman behind him, “Answer her, Nat!”

“Well,’ Natasha stammers, ‘never mind.”

“You were snooping.”

“I wasn't.”

“You never go through his things,” Gamora crosses her arms.

“Okay, fine,’ Natasha drops the item on the table, ‘I had a terrible idea and wanted to know if he was free for my birthday.”

“It's your birthday, he's always free.”

“Okay,’ Natasha rolled her eyes, ‘He's been acting strange…”

Tony scoffs, “I don't know what you're talking about.” 

“I know you knocked this off the wall, so don't even.”

“It could've been Loki!”

Natasha shakes her head, “Why were you snooping? If you're planning a surprise, forget about it. Clearly, I won't even be home. I'll be at…”

She lifts the calendar, reading aloud;

“…The Philharmonic.”

Gamora cringes, “Is that what you want to do on your birthday?”

Natasha blushes and lifts a shoulder, “Yeah. It is…I HAVE dropped hints all year. I had a suspicion and bought a dress-WHATEVER! The point is! The reason I found you, TONY! I'm slightly curious about how in the world you all thought you'd surprise me when you're so obvious.”

“Oh my god,’ Tony drops his arms in a huff, ‘you try to do something nice for a girl, and she ruins it!”

Natasha bites her lip, “You were trying to do something nice for me?”

“Yes! Balloons! Drinks! Everything.”

“Beer,’ Gamora still holds her cringe, ‘do you even like beer?”

She nods, “I do.”

“Yeah, well!” Tony groans, “Placing a pickup order from this realm is impossible. It takes forever! Not to mention, they'd need to scan an I.D. Loki had ideas. OKASANNNNA had a whole agenda. She might pick a new date to shower you with affection. But this entire thing was my idea, I'll have you know-.”

“I see. And I might hug you for it if I could.”

“…oh. Thanks.”

“I said I might,’ she lifts the calendar, ‘sorry about the Philharmonic. I love you all, but uh, this sounds more fun.”

Tony sticks his tongue out like a child, “Whatever! Go! With your…dumb husband.”

“I'm telling Bruce you said that.”

“No! Please! You can't! If you did, you wouldn't match my sarcasm, and he'd think I meant it when I didn't! Please! I'll do anything-!”

“Anything?”

“Anything!”

“Fine,’ she smirks, ‘don’t tell my mother that I know about the surprise party.”

“That’s…”

Her eyebrow lifts, “Something wrong?”

“No! This is a good plan. I like this plan. No harm done. Just hide things from an angry Russian- don't laugh at me, Gamora!”

The other woman drops her hand from covering her laugh when her name is yelled, still chuckling;

“Sorry, it's just. You're such a bad friend.”

“Shush!”

“…The ghosts are throwing me a surprise party,” Natasha states casually as they walk up to the mansion.

“Hold on,’ Bruce pinches the bridge of his nose, ‘we came home early, skipped dinner, because ghosts demanded your attention…”

She blinks, taking his hand, “Yeah.”

“What is my life these days,” Bruce groans as he takes her hand, kissing Natasha’s knuckles.

“Don’t worry, it won’t always be like this.”

“I’m not complaining. It’s just different, is all,” he shrugs.

“Thanks for tonight,” she shrugs.

“Happy birthday, Natasha.”

“I love you.”

“I love you more…Okay, I can’t be the only one dying to know what they’ve done,” he lifts a key.

“You’re not,” Natasha confesses, laying a hand on the large door knob.

The door opens to the mob circling around misty items.

“Happy Birthday!” The mob screams in a poor, unified attempt.

“Wow,” Natasha gasps.

Bruce circles, “Tell me it’s way more than just a singular balloon.”

Tony frowns, “That thing took me forever and a day to blow up!”

“They’re all here,” Natasha holds a smile.

“Happy birthday, baby girl,” Oksana blows a kiss.

“Mom,” Natasha huffs and forces her way through to find her mother. 

“Aww,’ Elaine Walters clasps her fingers together, ‘now that’s sweet.”

“I bought the beer!” Tony yells.

“Natasha?” Bruce stands clueless in the lobby, “Can I dip out? Or do you want me to stay? Natasha…? Never mind.”

“Me!” Tony waves, “I’m here!!!”

“Tony?”

“Yes! God damn it,’ Tony scrambles, ‘Loki! Where’s his phone? Where’s Bruce’s phone?!”

Oksana holds a soft smirk and tilts her head, reaching for a tearful Natasha, “You should smile.”

“I know,’ Natasha shrugs, ‘I can’t believe you did all of this for me.”

“It was nothing.”

“Hey!” Tony yells, lifting a finger from Banner’s phone. 

“We all planned,” Oksana rolls her eyes and corrects herself.

“Happy Birthday, to you,” Elaine starts to sing as she vaporizes through the kitchen holding a cookie tray.

“Happy Birthday,” Rebecca chimes in and waves her fingers as if to start a real song.

“Oh wow,” Natasha sinks backward onto the couch.

“We’d have bought candles, but the veil between the living and our world is real complex,’ Elaine sits, ‘not to mention this one’s relationship with matches and lighters.”

“Lighters?” Susan twirls the ends of her hair.

“I don’t enjoy fire,” Frigga grumbles.

“I hope it’s an enjoyable birthday,” Gamora shrugs. 

Natasha lifts her shoulders, “Best one yet.”

“Nat?!” Bruce calls from the door, “Did you order 30 kegs, flowers, balloons, and a cake…?”

She scoffs, “No. It must’ve been Tony.”

“…this was all done on my card, wasn’t it?”

“Probably.”

Oksana nods affirmatively, “It was all him.”

“Mom says it’s Tony.” Natasha addresses her husband. 

“Tony!!!” Bruce shouts as he turns haphazardly, “I’ll kill you!”

Stark bolts for the laboratory as if he can be found, “Gotta go!”