Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Serve me another death after noon, will you, Master Diluc?”, Kaeya grinned at the red head standing behind the counter, doing his best to not seem to wobbly on his feet. He slid his glass over the countertop, eyes fixated on Diluc, who only slowly lifted his view from the glass in his hand. There, he was greeted with Kaeya’s knowing smirk plastered on his face, but his eyes a bit more glossy and red than normally.

Kaeya himself didn’t realize how hot his face, his whole body, actually felt. He was in a good mood, still – a mission ended, a nice evening with his colleagues, his brother, oh, excuse him please, Master Diluc actually acknowledging his presence and not shoving Charles to get the knights orders again.

He was still watching Diluc, who was slowly setting the glass he had been drying aside. The redheads hair was a bit messy, he realized – maybe Diluc had gotten into another fight with a couple of hilichurls on the way from dawn winery to town, as the knights had been too incompetent to remove them. Kaeya almost had to laugh at the idea, for what exact reason, he didn’t know. Maybe it was due to the cold shiver running down his spine at the thought of Diluc once again reminding him how the knights were an organisation of “good for nothings”.

“I believe you drank enough by now”, Master Diluc finally answered his question, though definitely not in a way Kaeya liked. He wasn’t supposed to say anything about Kaeya’s drinking habits, and he most definitely wasn’t supposed to interfere with them, he was simply supposed to mix him another drink. It couldn’t be that hard, really.

Before he could say anything though, Diluc had already snatched away his glass, putting it away behind the counter to the other dirty dishes, and then simply went back to drying the glass he had been holding before. “It’s late. You should get home.”

Diluc was right, it was fairly late already. Soon enough, the angel’s share would close, and Diluc would shove all of the remaining drunkards outside. If he looked around a little, there weren’t really all that many people anymore. Most of the knights had already left, only a few staying behind, along with Kaeya obviously, some people he didn’t really know and six fingered Jose, sitting with the other knights at their shared table. Even Venti, who normally stayed until closing time, seemed to have left by now.

Still, it shouldn’t matter to Diluc when Kaeya would be home. There was no reason for him to care – except for him not wanting Kaeya hanging around the bar anymore. Such seemed fairly reasonable. Kaeya had been told a few times that he could get rather annoying when tipsy and drunk, he was top loud and over the top then, and since Diluc most definitely already found Kaeya to be annoying on a normal day, he definitely wouldn’t want to deal with him and alcohol.

Kaeya smiled at the thought, looking up the older. “You don’t want me here anymore, Master Diluc?” What a dumb question, he remembered only a moment later. Of course Master Diluc wouldn’t want him here anymore. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have told him to go home.

“I want you to not drink more alcohol”, Diluc said, his voice weirdly quiet and almost – Kaeya couldn’t exactly tell. Diluc didn’t talk often, at least not to him. But if he did, it was always certain and determined. He knew exactly what he was saying and wouldn’t ever question it, that was the way Diluc spoke. Now, there was almost a bit of careful softness swinging by his voice, and Kaeya didn’t know what to think of that.

Oh, what was he even telling himself? He was probably just making things up. Diluc wasn’t uncertain, Diluc knew what he was doing. It was probably just himself, Kaeya, trying to make his poor little heart feel a bit better about what Master Diluc was saying to him, about how Master Diluc didn’t want him here.

What a useless thing to do – he already knew the truth after all.

“It’s okay, Master Diluc, I understand. I won’t bother you anymore”, Kaeya grinned. He pulled out his poach from the pocket, dropping a bunch of Mora on the counter. “This should be enough for tonight, am I right?”

He winked at the perplexed redhead behind the bar, before turning around to leave the angel’s share. No one needed to know about the slight stumble in his step, or the tears gathering in his eyes, and to be honest, he didn’t know why they were there either. Why would he be sad? He had known long enough how Master Diluc felt about him.

- - -

Kaeya had known before last night of how Master Diluc hated him. He had known for a while, if he was honest. Probably since that day in April, Diluc’s birthday, on which Crepus had died and Kaeya went and told Diluc the truth about everything. The day they had fought, the day on which Diluc’s fire had hit him but was imminently replaced by the ice cold of his – then new – cryo vision. He had been left in the mud that day, freezing and crying in the rain, vision clutched tightly in his hand. Somehow, he had made it back to Mondstadt through the heavy rain, though he didn’t remember much of the time after the fight.

He only remember that he didn’t go back to the winery, didn’t dare to after Diluc’s words.

Only a few days after Diluc had left, on an angry rampage through Snezhnaya, on his way to kill anyone who wronged him. He had not said a single word to Kaeya before he went on his mission, or killing spree, though he hadn’t really talked to anyone, if it was to trust what Jean was saying. But Kaeya just knew that Diluc specifically avoided him. He hadn’t said goodbye before leaving him alone for four years, without a home, a family or anything, really. And in the end, Jean was just trying to make him feel better. She was simply to nice, always looking after everyone.

It was rather common sense to know that these actions showed how Master Diluc hated him now. Kaeya wasn’t dumb, he knew that, and so he figured out Diluc’s feelings towards him rather quickly.

Still, he didn’t really want to know. Acceptance, that the man who was once in brother now hated him, resented him so damn much, didn’t want to come. Some days, it felt so heavy on him, that then he let himself dream that the world wasn’t the way it was. That when Diluc would come back, nothing would have changed, and Diluc would hug him and call Kaeya his little brother and wouldn’t swing his claymore towards him-

The small spark of hope was left in him until Master Diluc eventually did find his way back to Mondstadt. Then it was, very quickly and surely, crushed. Because nothing was as it used to be, no matter how hard Kaeya prayed to Barbatos at night – something he had never done before, at least not truthfully, but he remembered Diluc and Crepus doing it back when he was younger, so it must be worth something, right?

It seemed it wasn’t.

When Diluc came back, winter was close by and the wind was cold already, Kaeya felt like he was the last to find out about it. Master Diluc hadn’t contacted him, and though he hadn’t expected much, he still had wished for it. Not for much, of course, a letter, a short letter maybe. Or just any sign, a sign that he was still alive and doing fine, that was all Kaeya wanted.

There was nothing. Nothing at all.

Kaeya had only found out about Master Diluc’s return through the rumours. Mondstadt’s citizens where big at gossiping – and whenever something unusual happened, it spread through the town like a wildfire. This time, Kaeya first heard the guards conversing on their way through the building, something about a certain redhead wandering through the city’s gates again. Later, after work was over, he heard more, about another bartender in the angel’s share with a fiery red vision. It didn’t take a genius to find out they were talking about Master Diluc.

Kaeya had made his way to the bar after that, on his journey to find out the truth.

The rumours had proven right, he realized directly after stepping inside. Behind the counter, Diluc was standing, same fiery hair he remember, although a bit longer. His clothing style had changed, seemingly for more practical uses, and a bit dirty and used. But otherwise, he was still the same, he was still Diluc.

Except for the fact that now, there was no Kaeya with him anymore.

That very night, Kaeya had sat down on the bar, and hoped that either of them would say something, about missing one another maybe, or just anything at all, or nothing, as long as Diluc would stop looking at that damn glass he was drying and instead see Kaeya, once his best friend, once his brother, in front of him.

But neither Kaeya’s nor Master Diluc’s mouth left a single word. Instead they both just stood, sat, in silence. And neither had anything else happened which Kaeya had hoped for – Diluc hadn’t taken him back, and nothing at all was like before.

That very night, Kaeya had finally accepted Master Diluc’s feelings towards him. Sometimes, it still was a bit hard to catch, like last night, and there was still some wishful thinking in him left, of how Diluc, maybe, one day, would acknowledge his presence with more than just harsh words and scoffs, but it never happened. Diluc’s words were cold when he spoke, when he asked Kaeya what he wished to drink, and he never said more than needed. He barely even looked at him, and if he did, it was only in anger at one of Kaeya’s attempts to tease, to get his attention.

Kaeya just had to accept that the dear Master didn’t care for him anymore, but it was hard when his thoughts were a bit mushy after a few glasses of death after noon. Sometimes then, he tried to get Diluc’s attention, as useless and embarrassing as it was.

Such had happened yesterday, and it had ended just as always, with Diluc telling him off, and a slightly tipsy Kaeya not understanding why he even tried.

There was just one thing he didn’t understand. Not soon after Diluc came back, Kaeya started to feel a slight tingle in his throat. An itch, like he got it before coming down with a cold. It was a bit unusual, after all, it was summer and no one around him was sick, but  he tried to write it off as standing in the rain for too long while on a mission. He tried to drink some warm tea each morning and told himself that everything would be fine.

But it really wasn’t fine.

- - -

The day after that evening in the angel’s share, Kaeya woke up with not only a headache, but a burning feeling in his throat. It wasn’t just an itch, a tingle anymore, but instead a scratch, and it felt absolutely horrible. He ended up sitting in his bed, coughing terribly, practically wheezing to get whatever made his throat feel so terrible to leave his body. It didn’t feel like a simple cold anymore.

The cough was shaking through his normally rather strong body, and for some weird reason, he wished there was someone there to hold him, to pat him on his back and tell him that it would be fine. He wished it was Crepus, or Diluc, like they used to hold him when he was younger and sick, though he imminently dismissed the thought a moment later.

When Kaeya saw himself coughing up blood, too, he felt even worse. Normally, blood didn’t do much to make him feel bad, he had no problem looking at his own or other’s people wounds, but this made him feel weirdly uneasy. Maybe it was the fact that the blood was leaving his mouth instead of an open wound, that he couldn’t see where it came from, that he didn’t know why it was there.

He barely realized the mess he made by letting the blood which left his mouth sprinkle and drip over his bedsheets, he felt to out of it to barely even look up. His eyes were fixed on his hand tightly gripping the sheets, desperately trying to ground himself. He was still tired, too, after imminently ending in coughing fit after waking up, he didn’t have the time yet to even really wake up and realize what was going on.

As abruptly as the coughing had taken over his body, it left, too. His throat still had that weird itch to it, and now felt a bit sore after the coughing, but it wasn’t all that bad anymore. He could breathe normally again, which in the moment felt to him like a major achievement.

Kaeya blinked slowly, finally coming to sense with the world around him. Morning sunlight was shining through the thin curtains and he was sitting in his bed, white sheets now stained with dark red blood spots all over them – and something laying in his lap.

He carefully picked it up, fingers still shaking slightly at what had happened only a moment before. It took him a moment to realize what it was: a petal. It was covered by blood, so that he couldn’t even make out what colour it had underneath such.

A petal which he had coughed up – it sounded rather unreal. Kaeya had no idea where it came from or what kind of flower it was. To be rather honest, he felt right now as if he had no idea of anything at all. There was a vase standing on his nightstand, but he had no idea how a petal would end blood-covered in his lap.

The itch, the scratch in his throat still hadn’t left however and he felt like he needed to cough some more, get out whatever which was bothering his breathing. But for now, there was no time for that.

It was busy day and the knights office, and Kaeya had promised Jean his help. He was needed today, and he wouldn’t dare let his friends down, he had promised himself after that night. So, whatever it was, it had to wait, the others were first. Whatever sickness or else was affecting him, he couldn’t dare let it interfere with his day.

So, Kaeya left his bed, choosing to simply ignore the petal for now. He changed his sheets to get rid of the stains, before going to wash and dress himself. Before going to work, he drank another cup of tea alongside his small breakfast, with the flavour of sunsettia and apple, hoping it would soothe his sore throat. Then, he finally went off to work.

During work, he needed to cough three more times, each time a bit of blood landing in his handkerchief. Another petal never came.

- - -

At least not for another two days.

The itch stayed during that time, though Kaeya did not notice it apart from a few rare coughs. As there was nothing which indicated something being seriously wrong with him, Kaeya believed he was fine. Maybe, there had in fact just been a petal falling down from the flowers on his nightstand and he accidently breathed it in while sleeping – such was unlikely, but not impossible, and it seemed like the most believable explanation.

At the end of the second day, he once again found himself in the angel’s share. This time though, it was far earlier, and a quite more busy. Venti had been playing on his lyre since the night started, Six-fingered Jose accompanying him. It was loud and bustling and almost every seat in the tavern was taken. Kaeya himself was sitting at a table along with the other knights, laughing with them at Venti’s loud performance.

He almost forgot about Diluc standing behind the bar, his usual straight face not changing any at the bard’s antics.

Everything was fine. Almost good, almost, but not quite. But better than normally. Kaeya felt at ease, the alcohol did its job for once, and he was doing okay.

That was, until Diluc seemed to have enough of Venti, taking his wine glass away and then commanding him to come down from the table, only to scold him for what he had been doing. Kaeya didn’t exactly know what it was at this situation that bothered him – nobody except him barely even realized it. Venti himself had only laughed, but by the view of the both of them, suddenly, there was something stuck in Kaeya’s throat, taking his breath away.

He coughed into his elbow, though he didn’t realize the blood splattered on his sleeve.

Only a moment later, everything was over, and Kaeya was distracted by one knight pouring their drink into another’s lap. Not soon after though, he decided to go home, his throat being a bit more sensitive again, itching a little. While on the way, he tried not to think of Diluc and Venti, but for some reason he couldn’t understand in his sorry state, and maybe not in any other either, his mind kept wandering back to the two of them. He tried to ignore the weird feeling in his gut whenever Diluc did anything nice for Venti, like making sure he didn’t fall of the table. Venti was someone Diluc openly claimed to dislike, and still, he basically let him drink for free in the tavern.

By the time he fell into bed, exhausted and confused and still a bit messy in the head, he wished that his mind would just shut up. It didn’t, but after hiding under his blanket long enough, he fell asleep either way, which ended the train of thoughts which had been running through his head.

- - -

It was only by the next morning that Kaeya realized something was seriously wrong. Over the course of the night, the cough had come back, sneaked up to him from behind, and took him by surprise. It was much more severe now. There was no more tingle, instead there was a consistent scratch in his throat which wouldn’t go away, like there was a thorn stuck inside of him.

When he went to the bathroom to get ready for work, he ended up coughing terribly, his whole body shook and he had to hold onto the sink as to not fall over.

The moment he was able to breath normally again, he realised there were petals laying in the sink. Not just one, but multiple, three to be exact. Three petals, all off the same structure, so most likely of the same kind of flower, and under the deep red blood Kaeya believed them to be blue.

He couldn’t do anything but stare at them in shook. What was happening? What was going on with him, why was he coughing petals, where did they come from? How did they get here? He didn’t know it, he didn’t know anything. All he knew was that this was not normal, whatever was happening to him.

Kaeya needed to sit down. He needed a moment to sit, to pull himself together again, to stop his breathing from becoming quicker and quicker and he needed a moment to make sure that there were no tears leaving his eyes, because they felt dangerously close to watering.

He let himself slowly sink to the ground, hands clutching the material of his night clothes. What should he do know? He was obviously some kind of sick, so ideally, he would have a healer at the cathedral take a look at him. But he himself didn’t know what was going on, even though he could heal a bit himself and had a decent knowledge on illnesses. And if he didn’t know, would the healers know? Maybe, but maybe not, and that worried him.

Also, Barbara worked at the church, and if Barbara knew something was wrong with him, she would tell Jean, and then Jean would worry, because Jean was always worried, Kaeya was well aware of that. She worried about the runaway cat, about the hilichurls around Mondstadt, about the other knights, Jean was a master of worrying about everything. Kaeya didn’t want her to worry about him, too. There was no reason to be worried about him. Jean couldn’t know, and due to this, Barbara couldn’t know, so- So he couldn’t go to the church.

This was fine. Kaeya would be fine, he knew. No matter how bad it was, he was always fine. Diluc and him had fought, it was fine. Crepus had died, it was fine. He was alone, it was fine- Everything was fine and alright and Kaeya would find a way to make it better.

He wiped the tears on his cheeks away, before another coughing fit took him over. This time, there was no petal, but the handkerchief was covered in small blood drops.

Kaeya needed to find a way to get this to go away, and that quick. Maybe Lisa could help. Lisa was knowledgeable, and there were tons of books in the library, surely she must’ve read about this, right? Whatever it was… But Lisa would worry, too. Maybe she would tell Jean, she probably would. Maybe she’d tell others, too, in an attempt to get this to go away, and he didn’t want that. He didn’t want anyone to be worried. It was inconvenient and unfair to them, if he worried them. Maybe it was just something trivial – then they would’ve been worried for nothing. No, he couldn’t do that.

He would just keep it to himself. He could go to the library himself, find out what was happening, and just quickly get rid of the issue. Yes, that seemed reasonable. It would worry and inconvenience nobody – this was a wonderful idea.

- - -

So, he made his way to work, despite the occasional cough rattling through his body. The headquarters were quiet today, and Kaeya was glad about it. Though he didn’t know where the knights where, his mind was too preoccupied with other things, he decided to just be glad it wasn’t him who had to go on patrol today.

Normally he enjoyed patrol, even if he was doing it alone. Most of the time it was like a quiet walk through the forest, something he liked. It was calm and a welcome difference to life in the bustling and busy town of Mondstadt. He had time to talk to his colleages, or he had time to think – this wasn’t always good, but a nice day in nature was better than sitting hauled up in his office.

Today, however, he didn’t really feel like going. He was constantly coughing and had developed a sore throat due to it. Sitting in his office wasn’t nice either, definitely not with the sun shining so kindly before the winter would hit soon, but at least there was no cold wind. Instead, there was warm tea and a fire flicking.

Not soon after he arrived, there was also a hot soup and cough medicine on his desk. Noelle had seemed to hear him coughing, and then ended up knocking two times, once to ask him if everything was fine, to which he replied “Everything is fine, Noelle, please don’t worry about me, it’s just the weather”, and then a second time to bring in a tray with said soup and medicine, along with more tea. He thanked her profusely, trying to acknowledge her efforts without raising any suspicions that this, whatever it was, was not a common cold and something seemed to be seriously wrong with him.

He ate the soup for lunch, before Noelle knocked again, asking him at least three more times if he needed anything else, if she should request leave for him, if she should take a look if there’s enough wood for the fire and if maybe he needed a warm scarf. While he was glad at her efforts to care for him, to make him feel better, there wasn’t much she could do. The soup had felt good on his throat and tasted delicious, like all of Noelle’s meals did, but the scratch still didn’t leave.

And it made him nervous, that he didn’t know how to make it leave.

Over the course of the morning which Kaeya spent holed up in his office, doing paperwork for past missions and assigning patrols for the next week, he ended up coughing up five more petals, each which he carefully disposed at the bottom the small trash can in his office, and covered it with old, crumbled up papers – he didn’t want anyone to see what was happening to him. After all, blood-covered petals weren’t the most common thing found in a knights office, and Kaeya didn’t wish for anyone to be suspicious of him. He already knew of people disliking him for his actions and values, and that in particular didn’t bother him, but this would, he was sure of it.

And if, by any chance, people would figure out that those petals had left his body, that he was some kind of sick, then the worry Kaeya wished to avoid would still be there. So, the easiest and ideal course of action would be to hide the evidence.

- - -

In his lunch break, he made his way downstairs to the library.

Kaeya liked the library. It was quiet and calming, often a welcome variety after a particularly stressful mission. Often, when he went there, it was almost empty, too. Or at least, it felt like it, with only a few people spread out looking through the different sections.

Mondstadt’s library was one of the biggest in Tevyat, only competing with the Academy of Sumeru,. In the winter, it was warm there, too. Lisa always made sure to keep a fire or two running. Kaeya often liked to spend his lunch breaks there, either chatting over tea with the librarian or in a quiet corner, attention on the book in his lap.

The library had a section for basically everything, and Kaeya knew that there was one for medicine, injuries and illnesses. If he could somehow get knowledge about what was affecting him, this would definitely be the best place to start.

He pressed the door open rather quietly, taking a look inside. He hoped that not all too many people would be there, or they’d all take notice of his coughing. However, he only saw Lisa, sitting behind her desk and writing something in a small notebook. Kaeya waved at her.

The librarian smiled at his sight and waved back, before focusing on her task, whatever it was, again. She seemed rather busy, and also exhausted, as much as Kaeya could tell by the way she blinked more frequently at the notebook and her hand holding her head up. This was nothing he was too glad about, but a small part of him was happy that he didn’t have to talk to her right know, not feeling in the mood to do so. Normally, he always enjoyed a conversation with Lisa, ideally over tea or wine, she was a wonderful and interesting partner for a nice talk about everything, really.

Taking the few steps down the stairs, Kaeya made his way to the small unit dedicated to books about sicknesses of all kinds, how to cure them, it’s titles being mostly technical terms which Kaeya didn’t really understand. He hoped he would find something, anything, to explain the situation to him, but he didn’t have all that much hope, if he was honest.

While Lisa kept her books sorted well, and Kaeya found the section he’d been searching for easily, his search felt a little pointless. This was mainly due to one reason: he didn’t know what to search for. He only had one symptom, after all, and such wasn’t exactly a common one. There would be no book simply titled “what to do if you’re coughing up flowers”.

So, he ended up leafing through different books rather aimlessly. He skimmed over symptoms of different illnesses, but there was nothing which fit to what he was experiencing. He had almost foreseen such, but still, it made him a little nervous. It obviously was something, right? He was coughing up petals, flowers, he was not just hallucinating, but why were there no writing at all on the topic? It couldn’t be that he was the first one this was happening too, right? He didn’t know. Maybe it was a weird hereditary disease, he didn’t know the health history of his parents after all, he could barely remember them…

The realisation that this could be due to his parents quickened Kaeya’s breathing rapidly. Maybe there was no literature on it, because it wasn’t from here, maybe he had it because he wasn’t from here, but from Khaenriah, maybe it was part of the curse which had ended all of Khaenriah’s life, he didn’t know, he didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to have disease because he came from somewhere different, he just wanted to be normal, someone from Tevyat, someone from Mondstadt, someone who wasn’t a-

“You traitor!”

The voice of Diluc played over and over again in his head, and Kaeya couldn’t think correctly. The words the older had told him that night wouldn’t quiet down, and Kaeya’s next breath wouldn’t come. He tried. Again and again, but it just didn’t work, and he didn’t know why. He needed to calm down, he knew, he couldn’t let his head go all crazy like that in the middle of the library.

Kaeya swiftly put the fifth book he had been skipping through back to its rightful place on the bookshelf. He felt like he needed to cough, he knew it, but he could barely breath like this and only managed a few gasped out attempts at it, and if he would cough now, too, he felt like he would end up suffocating.

“Hello, Sir Kaeya”, a well-known voice broke the silence, and while Kaeya didn’t really want to talk to anyone now, he just wanted to curl up into his bed, tightly tucked under the blanket, and sleep while pretending Master Diluc didn’t hate him, he was glad that there was someone there. Someone, anyone, to distract himself from the thoughts running crazy in his brain.

“Are you looking for anything in specific?”, Venti asked, and Kaeya turned around to face him.

Despite the sheer amount of wine Kaeya had watched Venti consume yesterday, Venti looked perfectly fine and put together, at least not any less than normally. Sure, his hair was bit messy, but it always was. His clothes were clean and tidy and he didn’t smell of alcohol anymore, but instead like he had just taken a walk through the forest. Kaeya himself could hold his liquor well, too, but if he would drink as much as Venti, he’d end up spending the whole day after wandering between his bed- and bathroom.

At the thought of liquor, Kaeya’s mind went back to yesterday evening, and he did end up coughing then. With his handkerchief held in front of his mouth as to not have the man next to him see any blood drops leaving his body or, even worse, a petal, he felt Venti’s small hand on his back. Then, he heard his voice too, telling him to breathe.

Only then he realized that he had problems doing so. The suffocating feeling he had tried to avoid only a few moments ago was now taking over, and he couldn’t breathe. His mind was racing, something about suffocating, something about dying, something about his father – he couldn’t keep up with it, and his breathing could even less. There was something stuck in his throat, but it wouldn’t leave, and-

Kaeya wanted to cry. He didn’t know why, but he felt like doing so. Though he couldn’t, he was in the library after all, Lisa could see, Venti would definitely see, he really, really wanted to cry. Cry out about the suffocating feeling, cry out about how Diluc hated him, cry out about how he was a traitor, and cry out about his lost family.

Then, it all stopped. Suddenly, he could breathe again, more or less fresh air filling his lungs again, finally. In between his fingers, he felt a petal through the handkerchief. He quickly crumbled it again, trying to put it away so that Venti wouldn’t see. He kind of had a feeling that he had a good view on it from standing beside him, but he didn’t say a word, and Kaeya definitely wouldn’t bring it up.

“Are you doing fine, Kaeya?”, Venti asked from next to him, looking up to him and carefully helping him tidy his clothes, as they had become wrinkled from his body shaking during the coughing fit.

Kaeya wondered if Venti had been concerned for him. He drank with him sometimes, the bard was fun company, but apart from that, he didn’t know much about him. Would Venti be concerned, still? Kaeya would never say it out loud, but he wished for it, just a little. It’d be nice to have the knowledge that someone, anyone, was thinking about him. Not much, of course, he wouldn’t ask for that, but a little.

“Yes, yes, I’m doing fine”, Kaeya answered, doing his best to slow down his breathing. “There’s no need to worry about me. I’ve been coughing all morning, I think I’m just getting a cold.”

 “A cold, you say?”, Venti asked and Kaeya nodded. The smaller looked up to him, and Kaeya had a feeling that he didn’t quite believe him. He could only hope that Venti hadn’t seen the petal, otherwise it would be over for him. “It is winter soon, so colds are common. You should try to take good care of yourself”, Venti mumbled then, and nodded. “Well, I hope you’ll get over it swiftly. Your cough does sound rather bad, you might want to take some medicine.”

“Yes, yes, I will”, Kaeya answered. “I have already taken some earlier, but the cough is rather obstinate.” He had in fact taken some of the medicine Noelle had bough him after a particular bad coughing fit, but it didn’t do much to help him. Maybe he needed something numbing instead, and try to ignore whatever was scratching his throat from the inside.

“Either way, dear Kaeya, you still haven’t answered my question”, Venti said, looking up at him, a grin on his face. “Would you care to do so now?”

“Well-“, Kaeya needed a moment to sort the words in his head, to form a lie that was at least a little believable, but Venti’s careful eyes watching his every breath and move made him nervous. “It’s nothing much, you know”, he tried a laugh, though it sounded rather awkward. Why was he like this? First he had panicked after not being able to breath properly, and now he couldn’t even form a fake laugh. He couldn’t even lie, something he was good at, something he needed to be good at.

Venti was still watching him, though, and Kaeya took deep breath. He could do this. He was a good liar, a wonderful liar. This was simple…

“Recently, I’ve received a message from my informant about something they found in an old fatui camp, a notebook telling a legend about a sickness and flowers… I’m not exactly sure what it was revering too, so I decided to take a look.” Kaeya sighed, and did his best to look a bit pitifully. “However, the condition of the notebook wasn’t the best, and I don’t have much information, so it’s rather hard to find anything.”

“I think I understand”, Venti said, slowly nodding. Only a moment later, however, a smiled had found it’s way back on his face. “You should’ve asked me, Sir Kaeya! I may seem like nothing more than a drunk bard, but I’m full of hidden knowledge. “ He laughed, and Kaeya did his best to do so, too.

“It didn’t occur to me that bard’s are so good at medical problems.”

“Well, not medical, maybe. But legends and history, I can tell you thousands of stories, dear Captain”, Venti winked at him. “Do not underestimate me, yes?”

Kaeya nodded swiftly. While he did enjoy talking to Venti, the small man was lively and loud and kind, he felt the need to cough again, and really, really didn’t want to get into the previous situation again. “I won’t, oh drunk bard.”

Venti laughed. “I’m glad about that.” He took a moment to look at the books lined up on the shelves in front of them, as if he really knew what he was doing and searching for something important. “Now, let me help you…”

With precision, he grabbed a book and pulled it out. It was rather old, bound in a red cloth. Kaeya could barely read the title, it was rather washed out, but when Venti pushed it into his arms, he could make out the writing.

Ancient diseases and their history

If Kaeya would need a mysterious looking book for a theatre play, he would definitely choose this one. It looked like it contained an ancient prophecy or forgotten knowledge, and though ancient diseases surely would be interesting, they were still far more boring than a long lost text. He doubted he would’ve chosen this book to take to his office with him if he had continued to search by himself. In truth, he still wasn’t completely sure if he’d find what he needed in here. After all, this was Venti’s answer to his story, right? Hopefully it was the answer to the truth, too.

Though the small man in front of him seemed like nothing more than a bard and a drunkard who spend most, if not all, of his money on wine, Kaeya knew he was more than such. He didn’t know why, but Venti, too, just like this book, was rather mysterious.

Nobody even knew where Venti came from. He had simply been there on day, and he had never left. Kaeya didn’t know where Venti lived now, either. When Venti had only first arrived and he had meet him in the tavern, he had asked one of his informants to find out more, but the search had ended with barely any answers. What was Venti doing with his life? Why was he so good with the lyre, why did Diluc not make him pay despite saying he hated him, why? Nobody knew, and Kaeya didn’t, either.

Venti had helped find others before, too. Kaeya remembered a particular case, where a young child had gone missing, and the knights ended up searching desperately all around the city for them. But they had only found them after Venti was seen whispering something into Huffmann’s ear about the child searching for the best, juiciest apples close to Springvale. 

They managed to find the child not soon after, just like Venti had said, close to Springvale. Kaeya had asked him about it later tonight, but Venti had only grinned at him and loudly claimed something about the wind telling him. 

Venti really was only to describe as fascinating.

Maybe it wouldn’t be all that bad to give the book Venti had picked out for him a shot. Though, what chance did he have, really? It was either this or spending the rest of the day searching for something without knowing what it was, so this seemed like the obviously better choice.

Kaeya took the book from Venti’s hands which had shoved it into his chest, finally holding onto it himself. “Thank you. I appreciate you help and will make sure to take a look at it”, he said. His voice was a bit shaken and unsteady, on the verge of stuttering or slurring his words, probably due to him being nervous. Why was he nervous? He wasn’t nervous, there was no reason to be nervous, none at all. He was fine, everything was fine, Master Diluc was fine without him…

He was sent into a coughing fit once again and tried to find a grip while hunching over at the coughs rattling, shaking through his body. One hand found Venti’s shoulder, which he held basically in a death grip, and the other pressed his handkerchief in front of his mouth. Venti’s hand held his while still laying on the smaller’s shoulder, and somehow, Kaeya managed to keep thinking more clearly. Maybe it was due to Venti’s smallest finger softly caressing his hand, which helped keep a grip on reality and what was happening around him, but he wasn’t sure. He was so… done, right now.

It was as if all the power had left him. Maybe it had never been there. Maybe he really was just sick, developing a fever or something like that. But then, the image of the petals found their way back into his mind, and he remembered that this was not a cold. There was rather something wrong with him.

As fast the cough had taken over, it was gone again, and only left him with a sore, dry throat and the metallic taste of blood in his mouth. He wished he would have a cup of Noelle’s tea right now.

“You really should take some medicine”, Venti said, like he was concerned about Kaeya. “We wouldn’t want our dear cavalry captain to be sick, would we?” Kaeya shook his head, which seemed to be the right answer based on Venti’s grin. They wouldn’t want that. How lucky he wasn’t sick, but there was simply something wrong. No need to be concerned.

“I will have to leave now”, Venti said, blinking up at him. “I wish you good luck with your research.”

“Thank you for-“, Kaeya started the sentence, but before he finished talking, Venti had already disappeared. It was like a gush of wind had taken him away. It was quiet downstairs in the library after that, and Kaeya couldn’t tell if he liked it.

- - -

With the book in hand, Kaeya walked up the stairs to Lisa’s desk again. By now, she had stopped scribbling into her little notebook, instead she was sorting through a stack of books. She seemed caught up in her work, as she only acknowledged Kaeya when he was standing right in front of her.

“Well, hello, my dear”, as always, Lisa’s voice dripped of honey and unexplainable sweetness. This, Kaeya had never understood. Of course, he too, had realized that Lisa liked to flirt and make people shiver nervously, flustering them, but this technique barely worked on him. Only when they had first met, really. But she had never stopped talking to him this way, as if he deserved to be showed this kindness and the honey, dripping down onto him.

What a dumb thought that was, really.

Kaeya smiled to himself at this idea, just slightly, so that Lisa barely realized. What was he even thinking? She was doing this with everyone. It was just her, her personality, her way of speaking. How dare he interpret such a wild idea into it. He had really believed himself to be smarter than this.

“I see you’ve found some reading material”, Lisa said, taking the book out of his hand. “I must say, Sir Kaeya, this looks quite mysterious. What are you trying to hide from me?” For a moment, he was overtaken by the same feeling as when Venti had talked to him early, the feeling of something being stuck in his throat and not being able to breath. Did Lisa know? Had she heard them? Had he coughed too loud, that she realized?

But then, he saw her sly smile, and realized that she was only joking with him. Oh, help him please, he was so nervous today, it was almost embarrassing. He really needed to work on himself, didn’t he?

“Nothing mysterious at all, my dear Lisa”, he answered, finally managing to find his own smile. It was a bit easier now than when he had tried to convince Venti that he was simply suffering from a cold, but it took him a moment nonetheless.

He needed this smile, though, he couldn’t disappoint Lisa. Lisa was important, Lisa was someone he liked. He wasn’t quite sure if she liked him, too, but that was fine. A bit, probably. After all, they were colleagues and Lisa spent quite some time with him, so there must be something she liked about him. Right?

Even if she didn’t like him, it was fine. She was kind nonetheless, and that was enough. Kind and helpful, though sometimes a bit too flirty. And loud. Kaeya couldn’t really describe it, but Lisa was loud. Not her voice or her movements, but simply in her presence. When she was somewhere, she filled up the whole room with her presence. When she walked through the door, everyone imminently turned their head to greet her. It was fascinating, really.

Lisa had many friends due to this, and Kaeya was glad that she still choose him to spend her time with. It made him feel a bit better, like the thorns in his throat were softening for only a short moment.

“Mmh, what do you need it for then?”, Lisa asked, seemingly curious about the book. “I’ve read this one myself, it’s quite interesting, though a bit hard to understand at times. But I hadn’t expected our dear cavalry captain to find an interested in illnesses of ancient times.”

“It’s not really an interest”, Kaeya waved it off. “It’s just about some information I’ve received, you know, Fatui…” While he could tell Lisa the complete story he had told Venti, there was a fair difference between the two: Lisa was noisy. Not too much that it was uncomfortable, but enough that it made him terribly nervous in his current state. Venti, however, was mysterious, but he let others be mysterious, too. He never asked unnecessary question, except if it was to annoy Diluc or to make some kind of joke.

He needed to cough again, he felt it, and the feeling interrupted his thought process. He couldn’t cough here, not directly in front of Lisa, he couldn’t dare let her know.

“Oh, I see”, Lisa said, smiling up at him cheekily. “I believe it’s a secret then, am I right?” When he said something was happening because of the Fatui, than that was the only time where Lisa actually could keep her curiosity in check. It was work then, and then he wasn’t allowed to talk about it.

Kaeya just nodded. “I`ll tell you when everything is over”, he said.

“Of course. I’ll finish you right up”, she said. “Don’t forget, yes? I’m very interested in what’s happening around here.”

And really, Kaeya wanted to laugh, he really did, but the thorn was back, stuck in his throat, and he just couldn’t. It felt terrible, not to be able to react to Lisa in the way she deserved. Maybe she’d notice that he was different, maybe she’d ask, maybe she’d find out.

Oh, he really needed to calm down. He couldn’t finish a single thought – how was he supposed to work like this? Lunch break was over soon, and he still had a bunch of documents waiting on his desk for him.

“Here you go”, Lisa said, handing the book back to him. He stared at it for a moment in shook, had he really spent so much time thinking about not being able to laugh that he didn’t react at all. Now, he didn’t want to laugh anymore, he just wanted to cry, like earlier, when he couldn’t breathe.

It really was a terrible day, and he messed it up even more. He was so dumb, and disrespectful, not even reacting to Lisa’s words. How dare he? It really was no wonder that nobody liked him. If he was them, he wouldn’t like someone like him either. It was completely fair, really.

Once again, he was interrupted in his thought process. This time, though, it was by Lisa’s laugh, and her warm smile. It, too, just like her voice, was dripping of disgustingly sweet honey. “Oh, Kaeya”, she laughed, and he couldn’t do anything but stare. “Oh, Kaeya”, she repeated, calming down a little, her laugh slowly turning into a warm, soft smile. She was too kind, Kaeya knew. “Don’t feel bad for spacing out, yes? Your new case must really keep you up, if you’re even sacrificing you lunch break to find literature.”

Kaeya just nodded. He didn’t manage much else, the cough now caught in his throat. If he opened his mouth now, he was sure of it, he couldn’t help but end in another body-shaking coughing fit.

“Well, go now, back to work with you. Don’t forget your tea break over your case, yeah?”, Lisa asked, basically shoving him towards the heavy wooden door of the library.

Only a moment later, the door closed behind Kaeya. He kept the book in a tight grip, and as soon the door fell shut behind him, the coughing began. Though he just wanted to be alone, he missed Venti’s warm hand on his shoulder, helping him to keep himself upright as the cough shook through his body. It had been nice, to have someone there with him, to give him some sort of comfort.

But he understood why they sent him away, of course. Lisa wouldn’t like someone ignoring her, her reaction was completely reasonable. Work was important, too, just like she had said. He should listen to her, really. Let’s get to work, and later, he could look through the book. And maybe someone would come, and ask to spend his afternoon break drinking tea with him, like he always did.

As he walked up the stairs to the second floor where his office was located, he couldn’t help but chuckle at himself. He knew that nobody would come.

- - -

Kaeya had been right. He spent his annual afternoon tea break alone in his office, still sitting at his desk. Noelle had bought him the tea, exactly five minutes before he said he started his break, saying that she didn’t have much to do and so decided to spend her time helping him with his tea. He had thanked her hurriedly before dismissing her, because he had been having another coughing fit. It really was terrible today, the coughs rattling through his body at the most terrible moments.

Along with the tea Noelle had bought him a tablet for his sore throat, which helped him concentrate at least a little more on the book now laid out in front of him.

He had been aimlessly flipping through it, as he had not been familiar with any names of the diseases named in the table of contents. While he hadn’t found anything yet, it was in fact far more interesting than he had expected. Though Lisa was right, the language was a bit hard to understand sometimes due to the books age, it was nice to read through.

Kaeya flipped another page, and was greeted with the picture of a flower in front of him. Maybe this had something to do with whatever he had? It was the closest he had come to anything like an answer today. He read the title of the page:

Hanahaki – a mysterious illness

He swallowed. Though he had expected whatever he had to be something serious, it must if he was constantly coughing up blood and if his throat hurt this terribly, but this title, if it referred to his illness, scared him a little. Maybe even more than a little. Mysterious didn’t sound good, not in that context.

Still, he needed information, so he continued reading.

Cases of Hanahaki have been reported over the last hundreds of years, though it is considered a rather rare illness, only occurring in about 0,004 percent of the population. Due to its severity and cause however, it is often used as a material for legends and stories, and often only known through those.

This didn’t sound good at all, Kaeya noted. It made him nervous, his breathing quickened and he felt the need to cough. He swallowed again, trying to dare himself to calm down. It would be fine, it always was.

The most common symptoms of Hanahaki are known to be an ache in lungs and throat, often described as how thorns would feel if they were inside one’s body, along with a fever in later stages of the illness. There are also reported examples of people having trouble speaking and then, at least, breathing. The symptom Hanahaki is most famous for however is the coughing of petals and later, full flowers.

Kaeya froze in his movements, not daring to move his eyes from the words. Coughing of petals, that’s what was happening to him. He most likely had this disease, Hanahaki, and he couldn’t tell what to think of it. So, he read ahead, trying to figure out more about this Hanahaki thing which was affecting him.

This coughing of petals is caused by a flower growing in one’s lungs. How this flower finds its way there and of how exactly it is possible for a flower to grow inside one, is unknown and due to the few cases hard to research. It is known that the flower grows higher and broader inside one. In the end, it will suffocate the affected person, due to the flower blocking their airways.

He wanted to throw up, he wanted to cough, he wanted to cry, he didn’t know what he wanted. He only knew that this, what he had previously thought was just something wrong with him, was even more serious than he had expected. He was going to suffocate, due to a flower growing in his lungs.

The cause of the disease is still unknown, however it is believed to be caused due to a mental strain on one, in most known cases due to unrequited love. Until it is proven that said love is not unrequited, the disease is not to stop and often ends with death of the affected.

Kaeya closed the book, trying his best to not be affected by the tears forming his eyes. Why was he crying, why did he feel so miserable, why couldn’t he help the coughs rattling through his body, why was it him? Did it have to be him? He already knew that they didn’t love him, that his brother, Diluc, Master Diluc, didn’t love him. He didn’t need a disease telling him so.

But the tears didn’t stop, and neither did the cough. Kaeya hated it. His throat hurt, and now his eyes did too, and what if Noelle heard his sobs, miserable, quiet sobs which made his body shake, outside of the door?

He couldn’t let anyone find out what was happening. They didn`t need to know that they were the reason he was sick, because he loved them, and they didn`t love him back. It wasn`t their fault, after all. It was him, only him, being so damn terribly unlovable once again, they were not to blame.

Diluc didn’t need to know either. He didn’t need to know of how Kaeya was still so hung up on him. Of how Kaeya just couldn’t help himself but wish to have him back, wish to be sitting with him at the kitchen table, wishing for him so that they could pull small pranks on Adelinde. Neither did he need to know of Kaeya’s wish for him as a big brother, or the wish for a family once again.

Kaeya stared at the book in front of him, which had just told him the truth of his sickness so insensitively. One last tear rolled down his cheeks, but he wiped it away.

Kaeya was unlovable, and Kaeya was going to die. Everything was fine.

- - -

It was late in the evening when he finally left the knights headquarters. His brain had calmed a little, as had his lungs. Though he still felt much worse than the last few days, it wasn’t as bad as earlier in his office, or this morning.

After Kaeya had closed the book in the result of finding the truth about his illness, he had put it aside and did his best not to think of it. This of course was easier said than done, especially with such a serious message, which he couldn’t seem to stop replaying in his head. But with work, he had managed to forget for at least a few short moments in between, which had helped his throat and the… flower with calming a little. 

He finally took a step outside, breathing in the fresh, cool air of the late evening. The sun was already hiding behind the walls of Mondstadt, and so, the city was only light up due to the weakly shining moon and the street lanterns on the corners.

Normally, Kaeya left quicker. Normally, he was sitting in a tavern this time around, but today, nothing really was normal. All the time he had spent in his office today, coughing up blood and occasional petals, along with a few tears making their way down his cheeks which he refused to acknowledge, had taken a toll on his productivity. While he had only done paperwork, it felt like it took him years to complete.

He tried to ignore this fact. Instead, he decided to focus on where he was going – while being lost in his thoughts, Kaeya had already made his way through the city. He was barely aware of this, hadn’t even noticed his feet moving if he was any honest. With the usually loud, bustling city being quiet at this late hour, he had nobody to greet at every corner, and was instead just slowly making his way through the city.

Kaeya looked up from his feet, and really wished he hadn’t done so. While he had been busy with himself, with what was happening to him, he had walked to the angel’s share, and was now standing right in front of it.

Loud singing, laughter and glasses clinking could be heard from the inside. Kaeya didn’t move, not a single muscle in his body twitched, he just couldn’t help but stare.

Why did he end up here? Was his subconsciousness messing with him? Was such even possible?

It wasn’t a good idea to come here, Kaeya knew. Not a good idea at all, not with the things happening to him, not with the illness affecting him, not when he definitely knew that Diluc didn’t love him anymore. And he absolutely didn’t, after all, Kaeya had read the confirmation of the illness cause being unrequited love.

And even though he denied it, even though he didn’t want to admit it, Kaeya loved Diluc the most out of everyone. His childhood best friend, his brother, whatever Diluc was to Kaeya, it was obvious that Diluc didn’t feel the same.

It wasn’t a good idea to come here, not right know, and it most definitely wasn’t a good idea to go inside, but Kaeya went anyway.

Master Diluc was standing behind the counter, seemingly busy with writing something down while humming slightly to the melody the bards were playing. For a moment, Kaeya felt lost, before he managed to pull himself together. This was easy, right? He had been here tons of times when Diluc was working, this didn’t change anything.

Like often, the knights occupied a table, glasses and empty bottles spread all over it. When he managed to leave work earlier, after patrol or a mission, Kaeya often sat with them. But today, he wasn’t in the mood for the carefree atmosphere and while he did wish to drink away his worries, he doubted this would be in any way good for his throat. Normally, how good drinking was for his body didn’t matter much to him – after all, it was very easy to figure out that it wasn’t good at all – but his throat hurt terribly after all the coughing and he didn’t want to make it worse.

So, he took a seat by the bar, one of the few ones left. One drink would be fine, right? After all, he just needed something to get his mind of off things. Just a little moment, just a distraction, this would be enough.

“What do you need?”, Diluc’s voice cut through the fog clouding his mind like a sharp knife, and Kaeya lifted his eyes from where he had looked at the handkerchief he held tightly in his hands. The redhead was staring at him, his expression unreadable. The only thing Kaeya realised was the usual cold feeling that came with Diluc’s eyes resting on him.

“Just a death after noon”, Kaeya answered. His voice, too, had taken a toll after all these coughs, sounding a bit more raspy than usual. But Diluc wouldn’t realize, Kaeya was sure of it. And even if, he wouldn’t worry. Because Diluc didn’t care.

He once again watched his hands, not daring to look at Diluc in front of him. The other couldn’t see the tears forming in Kaeya’s eyes, he had to make sure of it.

“Are you sure that’s the right thing to drink in your stage?”, Diluc asked, and Kaeya, once again, looked up to him.

“What?”, he asked.

“Are you sure that’s the right thing to drink in your stage?”, Diluc repeated, and Kaeya really, really wanted to cry at this. He didn’t even really know why. Maybe he was tired, maybe he was sick, maybe it was just the effect of Diluc’s words paired with the knowledge he had acquired earlier.

“Just give me my drink.”

Diluc raised an eyebrow at him. “What’s up with you today?”

“Nothing”, Kaeya didn’t know how much longer he could hide the tears welling up in his eyes, or the cough wanting to leave his body, or how long he could keep sitting here without just curling up and sleeping. “Just give me my drink, Master Diluc. That’s terrible customer service from you, don’t you think so?”

“My customer service is fine, thank you”, Diluc said. His expression hadn’t changed, but he had put the pen with which he had written aside and was instead focusing his attention on Kaeya. “I just want to know what’s up with you today. You don’t look so good.”

Kaeya laughed, but it was short and full of sorrow he still hoped to hide. “I never look good, don’t I? You told me before. So there really is no need to worry. Just… just give me my drink.”

“You should go home, Kaeya. There’s something wrong with you today.”

By now, Kaeya really, really wished he had never stepped into the tavern today. Diluc was a bit rude normally, too, but today it felt like it was worse. Or maybe it just affected him more? Kaeya couldn’t remember Diluc ever telling him there was something wrong with him, but… It didn’t matter. Maybe he really should go home, lie in his in bed and cry himself to sleep.

“Yes, maybe I should”, he said, slowly, standing up from where he had just taken a seat. It would be better, probably. He didn’t wish to cause any more inconvenience for Master Diluc by annoying him in the tavern.

So he left, quickly and quietly, without another word, only Diluc’s burning, watchful eyes following him to the door. He didn’t know what to say.

He thought he had heard something before the heavy door fell closed behind him, but it sounded an awful lot like “Get well soon”, so he knew it was just his imagination toying with him. It was fine. Everything was fine, like it always was.

The moment he had left the tavern, the tears began flowing, like a waterfall down his cheeks. He couldn’t help it, even though he felt pathetic for being this way. If Diluc could see him now, he’d be so embarrassed. 

It really was embarrassing, though. Kaeya was embarrassing. Kaeya shouldn’t feel this way after receiving this knowledge, which he had already been aware of before. He had known, after all, about how the man who was once his brother hated him now. He had accepted it, too, so why was this so hard? Why did he feel this way? 

He wiped the tears away, before coughing into his handkerchief. Another petal left his throat, but the scratching feeling never left. It never would, he knew now.

Maybe it would be better if he would just die. Maybe this illness was doing him a favour.

Chapter Text

“Good morning, Sir Kaeya”, was how he was greeted the next morning when he stepped into the knights headquarters. Kaeya smiled back at the knight talking to him, trying to give him his kindest smile. “Thank you very much. I hope you had a great morning, too.”

He kept on smiling after some small talk as he headed up the stairs to his office, all the while contemplating his lies.

Because Kaeya didn’t have a great morning, not at all, not in any way, and he was reminded of that while clenching his fists tight, a bit scared he’d break his own bones, but not wanting to risk losing composure of himself and starting to wail like a child in the middle of the corridor, like he had done this morning in the bathroom. It really was embarrassing, and his cheeks flushed uncomfortably at the thought of it.

When he had woken up earlier, not only had his throat hurt from the all the coughing yesterday, he couldn’t remember doing much else honestly, but he had also been wrenching up petals which seemed to have gotten stuck in his throat overnight. They were blocking his airways, and he couldn’t do much but try his best to sit up and take a deep, lung filling breath while simultaneously having to cover his mouth as to not have petals and blood drops sprinkling over his bed – he still had the bedding from yesterday to wash, when said thing had happened.

After a few minutes, when he felt he could finally breathe again, though still only with his throat hurting and lungs rattling but better nonetheless, Kaeya stood up on shaky legs and made his way to the bathroom. He was exhausted even though he had slept rather peacefully, considering the sickness, but the way he had woken up made him just want to fall back into the sheets and sleep some more.

The illness was taking a toll on his body already, and he wondered how much it had progressed by now. He didn’t have much knowledge on flowers, really. Though they had a decently sized garden when he was younger, he had never really cared for the flowers in it. How quickly did a flower grow? How long had it been since it started growing, really? Because Kaeya remembered feeling the itch the last few weeks, so could it be that all this time, he had been sick and destinated to die already?

He tried to shake this thought off while throwing the bloodied petals into the trash can, but he couldn’t help but hesitate before closing the lid. What kind of flower was this? What did it look like? He wanted to know, at least a little bit, but he also really didn’t want to know.

If he was honest, he wanted it, the illness, to leave and never be reminded of it again. He couldn’t even believe this was happening to him, that it even was possible. Except for the flowers in the garden of his childhood he didn’t have any experience with … any kinds of plants, really. A few times, he had tried to keep a plant in his office, but despite the warmth and the water he had given to it every day, none of those plants had made it far in life. How was something so delicate supposed to grow inside of his body, and with such destructive tendencies, too? How was it possible for a flower to grow strong enough to… to take his life, really.

It seemed impossible, and still, it was so real. Kaeya felt it – every time he took a deep breath, every time he coughed, every time he thought about how everyone around him hated him.

Ironically, this was the moment he needed to cough again, adding new ones to the blood sprinkles already covering his handkerchief, and being reminded once more that there was no possible way to change this. He had read it in the book himself, after all. The flower would only grow, he almost believed he felt it growing inside of him, and then he would suffocate and die.

The thought made him wince.

Kaeya knew, however, that he couldn’t let this get to him currently. Right now, he had more important things to do. It was busy day after all: paperwork, watching the new knights train, filling out more documents, writing formal letters to many, many people – Kaeya didn’t have time for the problems his body had. He had no time for nausea and coughing and whatever it was that made him get so lost in his thoughts he forgot how to breathe.

Either way, he couldn’t let the illness get to him at the moment, he couldn’t let go off fulfilling his duty.

So, he finished washing and dressing himself, all the while avoiding the miserable reflection of himself in the mirror. Only when he went to comb his hair and put it into his signature ponytail was when he caught the view of his reddened eyes, still a bit puffy from all the crying he had done last night.

He really hoped that no one would notice. If he spent the work day hauled up in his office, telling Noelle to say that he was doing important work, nobody would bother him. He’d have time until the evening for the swelling to go down and be less noticeable – and also, one eye was covered by the eyepatch, too. If he would follow this plan, he would probably be fine. After all, he had no idea what to say if someone asked him about it.

Sometime last night, during the crying and coughing, he had decided that one was to find out about the illness. While he been sure they’d worry about his condition, at least Jean and Lisa and a few others maybe, this, the truth, would only be worse.

Hiding was the safest option, Kaeya knew, too. If he spent the next few weeks, days, hours, however much time he had left, in his office doing paperwork and some checks on the fatui, he’d still be able to help as much as possible before he would die. This was how he had decided yesterday to go on with his leftover time.

However, some part of Kaeya knew that he didn’t want this. He wanted to spend the rest of his life happy, or at least happier. He wanted friends and festivities and wine and tea with Lisa and walks with Jean and patrols with Mika and hangouts with Bennett and babysitting time with Klee, and he wanted Albedo to explain his research to him and he wanted to get lunch with Amber and most importantly, he wanted his brother back.

But he needed to give up on that. He needed to destroy this false hope still left inside of him, and this was done best by just pretending it didn’t exist.

Hiding was the best choice to make. The only choice, really.

So now, Kaeya was walking through the corridor to his office. He was a bit earlier than normally, the rooms around him still quiet and his steps echoing in the empty hall. It was the best decision to make sure the least amount of people would see him. He had been a bit worried about the knight downstairs, but they hadn’t said anything, so it was probably fine and Kaeya could calm his racing heart a bit.

Kaeya closed the door to his office behind him, and was imminently greeted with a stack of documents on his desk. It were the ones he had worked on yesterday – he needed to bring those to Jean.

Normally, this was a nice work. Due to her workload in the position of the acting grand master, he didn’t get to see her often, so it was always nice to have those twenty minutes of standing in Jean’s doorway acting like he was about to leave before changing the topic once again so that they could talk for longer. A good time to catch up every few days.

Today though, the situation was different. Today, tomorrow, and all the following days he would live were different.

Because now he was sick, and Jean couldn’t know, so he couldn’t risk this.

He hadn’t figured out yet how to avoid Jean and Lisa and the other knights the following days, but for today he had decided that it was best to simply tell Noelle to bring his work to Jean. He couldn’t avoid Noelle even if he wanted too, because she was very determined in doing her job in the best way possible, but at least he could make sure that she wouldn’t tell anyone. If he convinced her that it was best for everyone, than she would believe him. Honestly, Noelle was too kind for her own good and Kaeya hated, hated lying to her, but it was the only option he had.

He sat down in his chair, before taking out his handkerchief and finally letting the coughs he had suppressed on his way through the hall shake through his body. His throat felt so dry, and it hurt, and the only thing he could taste was his own blood. Kaeya felt terrible, really, and he wondered how he was supposed to get through this sickness the next few days before he’d die – he almost missed the time where he had stood coughing in the library, because then, there had been someone with him. It had just been Venti’s hand on his shoulder, but he couldn’t help but think about it now.

Oh Archons, he was so pathetic, it was disgusting.

It really was no wonder how everyone hated him. He understood, really, he hated it, his dumb body, his dumb words, his dumb crying, too.

For a moment, he thought it would be easier if he would just die now. After all, this would solve a lot of problems for everyone: he wouldn’t have to handle this anymore, and they wouldn’t have to handle him anymore. Really, it was a wonderful idea if he gave it a second thought. There were no downsides, except for the current case he was working on, which still wasn’t finished, he should do this first so that he’d at least be useful in some way before he’d be unable to do anything.

The coughing and his breath had calmed by the time the door to his office had opened, but Kaeya kept his eyes on the desk, not wanting to take a look at whoever had come in – they might see that he had been crying last night, or they might see the blood on the handkerchief.

“Oh, good morning, Sir Kaeya!”, Noelle’s voice sounded surprised, and Kaeya smiled sadly. Of course, normally, he arrived a little later and Noelle was able to place his first drink here before he arrived. “I hope you are feeling better than yesterday, but I still bought some herbal tea for your throat, I hope it’s good.” He could almost feel her eyes watching his every move. “Are you okay, Sir Kaeya?”

“Yes, of course, just a little tired”, Kaeya gladly took the tea cup from the tablet she had placed on his desk. It was hot still, most likely too hot to drink, but it felt nice to hold something warm like that in his hands. “Good morning to you too, Noelle.” He smiled, before picking up whatever work was lying on his desk. “Good luck with your studies today.”

“Thank you, Sir! Call me if you need anything”, with these words she left, and Kaeya quickly wiped away the tear in the corner of his eye.

- - -

Only half an hour later he realized that he had forgotten to ask Noelle to take his work to Jeans office. And also to ask her to tell the other knights to let him work in peace. It was embarrassing, really. Half an hour to notice the papers stacking on his desk still? Where had his brain been during this time?

He was such mess, it was terrible.

Now, the papers were still lying on his desk, and any moment someone might come in and see his swollen, red eyes or the blood drops on his handkerchief or…

Kaeya needed a moment to calm down, he knew so himself. He needed to take a deep breath and think about something nice, something that would help him calm down. Like cake, or dandelion wine or his childhood with Diluc, or maybe about the times he spent babysitting Klee or when he helped Bennett train.

He was coughing again, because of course he was. He was basically unable to do anything else except for crying and panicking. And Kaeya couldn’t stand it, his actions, himself, right now. Why was he like this? Why was he so useless?

The knock on the door shrieked him up.

Oh no, oh no, this wasn’t good at all. This was what he had worried about all morning, when his brain was working, understandably. No one could come in, no one could see him like this, he couldn’t allow it, but what could he do?

Another knock, and Kaeya realised he hadn’t said anything. He was so muddled today and he couldn’t stand it! Every time anything, anything at all happened, he couldn’t seem to think anymore. His brain shut down, and he knew, if he didn’t get this under control now, people would find out, and everything that he so desperately tried to avoid would eventually happen.

They would find out, and he couldn’t let that happen. Under no circumstances.

So, Kaeya finally managed to talk. “Come in”, he called, a part of him still hoping that they, whoever was standing there knocking, wouldn’t open the door. But what else was he supposed to do except invite them in? If he said no, people would grow suspicious of him, and he couldn’t deal with that right now either.

The door opened with a slightly squeaky sound and Kaeya was able to finally take a look at the person seeking him out: Jean was standing in the doorway. “Good morning, Kaeya. How are you?”, she asked, a slight smile on her face.

She seemed to be in a good mood, Kaeya realized. With the smile on her face and the way she carried herself, like she hadn’t spent the night working and had actually gotten a full night of sleep. Apart from that, though, she was as tidy as always. Her clothes were ironed properly and sat perfectly tight, no wrinkles in sight. Kaeya often wondered how she managed to keep herself so impeccable. Her ponytail was always clean, without a single hair falling out, and her sword always sharp and dangerous. Her work, too: Jean was always on time, with everything she needed to get done, and while doing that, she was also doing amazing as the acting grand master.

But that was not the only admirable thing about her: though her family life might not be describable as impeccable, but she still had a good relationship with both her father and mother, despite the both of them not having been together in a long time. And she had a sister, too, who admired and looked up to her. With who she was on good terms, too, with who she was basically friends. She was liked by the other people in town also. Whenever Kaeya went out with her, they were greeted by everyone around them, it really was crazy how everyone was affected by Jean so much.

Kaeya himself knew that he admired Jean greatly. There was just something about her which couldn’t good unnoticed.

“Oh, I’m good, really”, he cursed out his voice for sounding different due to the sore throat. “How are you doing, Jean? What are you seeking me out for?”

Jean laughed slightly. “Nothing special, really. I just wanted to check how Mondstadt’s favourite  cavalry captain is doing.”

Kaeya did his best to smile back to her, for a moment almost forgetting that he was Mondstadt’s only cavalry captain, and that currently, Mondstadt didn’t even have a cavalry. What Jean just said, trying to flatter him, was all wrong. He knew, and he felt miserable with such knowledge. But he couldn’t let Jean see how he was doing, what he was feeling, she couldn’t find out. She already wanted to check on him, how she said, Kaeya needed to be careful. Did he somehow raise her suspicions? He desperately hoped not.

“Ah, well”, he smiled up to her, doing his best to hide how unsure he was about what to answer her. “Just work, really. Busy days, you know…”

Jean sighed, nodding. “I know. If Barbara hadn’t told me to take the day off yesterday, I’m not sure I could stand here today.” At the mention of Jean’s sister, Kaeya felt his breath being caught in his throat. When they were younger, he and Diluc used to sneak out to have more free time – oh, how he missed those times. Now, Diluc probably only realized that he was working all the time when he was selling less drinks, and even then, Master Diluc would probably say something about him wasting his time, because the knights were always uselessly wasting their time.

He understood those concerns, sometimes, when he was sitting at his desk, staring at the documents and papers in front of him with the wish to sleep clouding his mind. Then he remembered Master Dilucs words about the dumb, useless knights, always slacking off and not doing their job properly. He did his best to pull himself together, then. Even though he never told anyone, he did care about what Diluc thought of him.

Suddenly, or maybe not so suddenly, maybe he just hadn’t realized – but there was something in his throat, something which had not been there before. It felt itchy and he wanted to tore open his throat, scratch the inside of his lungs, he didn’t even really know. Pull the flower out, probably.

Kaeya really needed the rational thoughts to come back.

“I’m glad you got some time to rest”, Kaeya smiled up to her through the desperate need to cough. He couldn’t tell if he wanted to keep talking with Jean – she was nice, and she was kind, and he liked her, and really, she was a good conversation partner and he’d love to know about the good time she had yesterday, but also… He didn’t like hearing it, which is why he’d never say it out loud, but he was jealous. Of her and Barbara, of the good time she was having, of her achievements in the knights and of her friends.

Also, the thing inside of his throat was hurting, and he needed to cough it out now. It needed to leave his body, this was the only reasonable decision, but he couldn’t get it out with Jean still standing in front of him. She couldn’t know.

“What did you two do yesterday?”, Kaeya asked despite all these struggles, which he tried to bury deep inside himself again, where they normally stayed. Oh Archons, how he wished he had a drink here right now. It didn’t need to be anything special, just some wine, or something else, he really didn’t care. Anything would do. 

Tea, maybe, for his throat, Noelle’s was empty already. Though he did doubt it would help whatever was there inside of him, probably a petal, though it felt a bit bigger than the previous ones. But the flower grew, right? So the petals would too, most likely.

But while he was still feeling rather terrible and sick, he couldn’t just stop talking to Jean. She was his colleague, after all, and she was probably the closest person to what would be called his friend. This couldn’t inconvenience her.

“Oh, we were having dinner at Good Hunter, and then we went to the Cat’s Tail…”, Kaeya had a hard time focusing on Jean’s words, busy with petal which he felt inside of him, scratching and itching, but he managed to catch the most important things and nodded along. He just needed to seem sane enough, like there wasn’t something terrible bothering him, like he wouldn’t die soon.

“Sadly, I can’t stay for too long, I have some documents to sort through, and the patrols for next week, and…”, Jean sighed. “It’s a lot of work, you know what I mean.”

Kaeya smiled at her. He did knew. “Yeah, I do. But you got this, we all here know you’re the best acting grand master we could wish for.”

“You’re always so flattering, Kaeya”, the blonde woman laughed. “But it’s working. Any wishes for your patrols next week?” Jean was always so considerate, Kaeya admired it. She somehow always managed to think of everything and everybody, though this was probably one of the reasons she often was busy and also overworked.

“Not too much, if possible. I got some documents myself”, normally, he didn’t really say anything when Jean asked if he had wishes for his patrols, so he hoped this wouldn’t be too much to ask for, and not too obvious. But he doubted he could go after his work well enough with his illness, especially if it was progressing this fast – he didn’t know how much time he had left.

“Of course, I understand. Lisa told me about your new interest and research, so I’ll be sure to take that into consideration”, for a moment, Kaeya was confused about what Jean was saying, before he remembered his discussion in the library yesterday. Right, the lies. “Anyways, don’t work too much, yes? I hope you’ll have a good time on your day off tomorrow, too”, Jean smiled at him, before stepping forward and taking the stack of documents on his desk, the one he had forgotten to tell Noelle about. “I’ll take these with me and leave you to your work.”

“Have a good day, too, Jean”, were all the words that Kaeya managed to speak before the heavy door fell close behind Jean, and Kaeya surrendered himself to the coughs imminently wrecking through his body, after he had just done his best to hold them back the last few seconds, minutes, he didn’t know how long. And also – he couldn’t breathe. The petal didn’t let him, he was just sitting in his desk chair, heaving and panting and he felt his eyes getting wet.

Kaeya’s head fell into his hands, suddenly unbelievable heavy. He was feeling, simply spoken, terrible. How was his body supposed to withstand this illness? It had only gotten worse the last few days, and already he was feeling this way.

When he had been reading about his imminent death yesterday, he had been in denial for the last hours. But now, death suddenly felt so close to him, close enough to grab in his tired, shaking hand and pull close to him. Maybe it would bring some softness, closure, comfort to his wrecked body.

The moment the thing inside him left was the moment he lost his grip on the chair and slid to the floor, the thing ending in his lap as he slowly managed to catch his breath again. When he opened his eyes, wiping the wetness away, he realized that not only had there been a petal inside of him, but a whole flower.

It was deep blue flower, damaged and bloodied but complete.

Kaeya wanted to puke at the sight of it. As if the petals hadn’t been bad enough, now there were whole flowers? How was he supposed to get through his day with these things inside of him. Maybe death really was the easiest way to end this misery.

He managed to pull himself back up into his chair, trying to ignore the blood splattered on his uniform. If he ignored it, maybe it would go away – oh, Archons, he sounded like a dumb, naive child. He wished he would be a child again, honestly, then all of this wouldn’t have happened.

But he couldn’t let this naivety get too him now. He needed to stay strong and reasonable, at least for a few more days. The lies were spreading already, which he didn’t appreciate too much, and Jean telling not too work too much, did she suspect anything? Could his coughs be heard outside`?

And he had totally forgotten about his day off tomorrow, too, and oh – oh, he had promised to take care of Klee tomorrow. Oh, it was such a mess. Everything, his life, the sickness, his mind. He didn’t know what to do. He needed to keep calm. He just needed to sort out the last few documents, finish his duty, keep his promises – then he could leave in peace.

Yes, that was good. He couldn’t cause any inconveniences, but if he did all his work, then it would be best for everyone when he left. He could die in peace, and everyone around him would appreciate it.

And now he didn’t have to worry about the documents anymore, that was a good thing, right?

- - -

Kaeya was so, so tired by the time he finished working. He had done his best for the state he was currently in, but when he took a look at the now new stack piling on his desk, it didn’t look much taller than what he had finished yesterday. It felt disappointing – everything was so much harder today, so much more tiring and draining of his energy, and all that for such little profit.

Honestly, he wondered how he managed to leave the headquarters without falling over and fainting, or just falling asleep in the corridor. Now, he was sitting on one of the benches in the small garden close to the knights headquarters, trying to sort out his thoughts somehow. Not only his body, but his brain, too, felt like mush.

At his current pace, it would take him at least three more days to finish all of his workload that was piling up for him: letters to write, forms to fill out and send away, making something from the evidence and clues that he had lying around for the last few cases. And that, if he continued to work at this speed, he didn’t know if the sickness would slow him down any further with its progression. Also, there was tomorrow, where he couldn’t spend his time working because of the promises he had given… He couldn’t just disappoint Albedo, after all, he had asked a few weeks ago for Kaeya to take care of Klee for the day. Hopefully, Klee wouldn’t be too sad that she had to leave Albedo to hang out with Kaeya.

Of course, Kaeya loved Klee – she was a wonderful child, full of happiness and life he was so unused to, despite her mother disappearing frequently and instead leaving her in the care of “big brother” Albedo. Sometimes, he wondered how Klee managed to always be so happy and kind and carefree, with her parent just going away often enough. Maybe Klee reminded him of himself, just a little. Except of course for the fact that her mother still cared, and hadn’t left her alone forever, abandoned after saying she’d come back.

Klee’s mother always came back, even if just for a short time, and until then, Albedo was there for her.

This was more like father, Crepus, leaving him and Diluc alone for a few days to go on a trip for work. Though Crepus had only done so when both of them were older than thirteen, and still, Adelinde had always been there to care for them. Maybe this comparison was more fitting than the one with Kaeya’s biological father.

Kaeya loved Klee, with all her childlike innocence and sweetness, but also all the times where she went to do things that were, well, rather dangerous to the general public. Of course he knew that he shouldn’t go “fish blasting” with her, but she always asked so nicely, and what if he said no? Then she would be sad, and wouldn’t like him anymore. Kaeya couldn’t dare let that happen.

He hoped he would be able to keep up with her tomorrow – she was always so quick and if he just looked away for a moment, she was almost out of his sight. Today, he had done nothing but sitting around, and still he was so tired, how was this supposed to be when he had to run around the whole day?

Already, he felt lucky enough that he hadn’t coughed up another full flower. Despite the tea he had been drinking and the pills he had swallowed for his throat, it still felt like there were thorns growing inside of him.

Maybe there were – Kaeya almost laughed at the thought, but maybe there were thorns on the flower. Maybe they were ruining his lungs from the inside, scratching them open violently, until his lungs filled with blood. If he wouldn’t die by his own hand, maybe he’d die with the blood filling his lungs dripping down his lips from when his body tried to cough it out.

Kaeya grabbed into his pocket, where he had kept the flower in a small box. It was still bloody, the blue colour not completely visible. He had thought about washing it, but was ultimately to nervous to do so. If someone had seen him, they certainly would suspect something. There was no way he’d take such risk.

He was sure he had seen this kind of flower before, though he really wasn’t sure where. His knowledge on flowers was limited, but he was sure that he knew something about this one, it just wouldn’t come to his mind. Maybe it was the headache – after spending the whole day hauled up in his office, staring at small words written in terrible handwriting, his throat wasn’t the only thing that hurt.

It didn’t matter, really, and after taking one last look at the blue flower, he put it back into his pocket. He should go home now, he knew, find some sleep so that he would be able to keep up with Klee tomorrow. Luckily, Noelle had made him some soup for dinner, so he had already eaten, and wouldn’t have to think about this now. Really, Noelle was the only reason he made it this far today, she and Jean really were the most hardworking people he knew.

But he didn’t want to sleep, really. It would end just like yesterday: he’d lay in bed, and cry himself to sleep, spending all this time alone with his mind, his thoughts racing through his head with no end in sight.

He didn’t want that.

- - -

This was the reason he found himself at the angel’s share not much later, with his head feeling even worse, like the racing thoughts were now jumping around in his head, and always hitting his skull from the inside. He could’ve went anywhere else to get some wine, like Blanche’s store or the cat’s tail, which wouldn’t be so far from the knight’s headquarters, but he couldn’t help it – his feet carried him here, like it was the only correct option, even though it didn’t feel like one right now.

He was sitting at a table in the back, with a bottle of wine in front of him. Nothing special, no complicated drink order, just something that would do it’s job: getting him drunk.

Around him, the tables were rather empty, it seemed to be a slow day, maybe that was why only Charles stood behind the bar. It was still loud enough to feel uncomfortable in his head, but nothing compared to the days where all the knights went here after work, were Diluc and Charles spend their time running their feet sore, and where everyone would spend the next morning in the bathroom longer than normally. Kaeya was glad for this.

He took another gulp from his wine.

From where he was seated, he had a good view of the room. He could see Charles making drinks, Six-Fingered-Jose playing on his lyre, some treasure hunters sitting around a small table, a few knights around another. Venti was sitting with Cyrus, the leader of the adventures guild, and a few other adventures. In-between the other tables, there were a few different men, the ones that could be found in a different tavern each evening with a tab around the same size as Venti’s.

Everything was like always, except for the fact that Kaeya was sitting alone in a corner, and that Master Diluc was nowhere to be found.

Kaeya was aware of the Master’s secret occupation as the dark knight hero, but normally, he followed the duties that arrived with such a job after the tavern had closed, because he didn’t wish for anyone to wonder where he was wandering around. Had he decided different for today? Maybe because it was quieter than usual, maybe that’s why he decided to leave the tavern in Charles’ care today.

Or maybe he tried to avoid something? When he was younger, Diluc didn’t like the tavern a lot due to his distaste of alcohol. Kaeya didn’t know how Diluc felt about this job now – maybe he was only here because he had to be. Because he didn’t have a choice, really.

Maybe he wanted to avoid someone, too – maybe he wanted to avoid Kaeya. After all, Diluc had told him to go home yesterday already, maybe he had hoped he’d stay there. This seemed reasonable. After all, Kaeya was aware of Master Diluc’s feelings, and though normally he never told him outright to leave, it would be bad for the business, it was easy to understand that he hoped for Kaeya to do so.

Maybe he just couldn’t deal with Kaeya today, and instead choose to fight off hilichurls in the forest. But Kaeya understood – the knights weren’t able to deal with those, so Diluc had to do all the work.

God, it was so unfair, for Diluc having to do all this. Kaeya really needed to finish his work quickly, so that everything that needed to be done wouldn’t collect dust any longer, and so that Diluc could find some rest. He’d probably sleep better then, with the knowledge of Kaeya not inconveniencing him any longer.

He emptied his wine glass with one last gulp and closed the bottle, there was still some left inside, but he felt like he needed to get home now. If he sat here any longer, he honestly doubted he’d manage to get home on his own.

Just as he was about to leave the tavern, steps small and slow, as he was busy with keeping himself upright, he felt a hand on his shoulder, holding him back from moving. He turned around to be meet with Charles looking at him, holding a small, brown bag in his hand.

“Wait, Kaeya, before you leave”, the bag was pressed into his hand. Kaeya gripped it, tightly, the wine bottle in his other hand. “Tea”, Charles spoke. “Herbal. Should help you improve sleep and… you know, it’s tea.” He smiled. “Good night, Kaeya.”

“Good night, Charles”, Kaeya answered, a bit perplexed with what was happening around him. Only after he walked, more likely stumbled, out on the street and was on his walk home was when he read the inscription on the small bag: lampgrass and valberries. It was written by hand, though neatly and clean. Under the handwriting, there was a picture drawn, of a berry, which he had seen before on the cliffs around Mondstadt, and one of a flower which he had also seen before, not at least as he had coughed one up earlier.

Lampgrass. It was Lampgrass, which he had coughed up, which was growing inside of him.

Now, he also remembered where he had seen the flower before. Of course it wasn’t unusual to see it around the town, but he remembered it vividly from his childhood, from when he had went and picked it with Diluc, from when Crepus had drawn pictures of their small bouquets, from when Diluc had told him it was his favourite flower because it glowed so prettily.

Lampgrass was growing inside of him. Diluc’s favourite flower was growing inside of him.

At that thought, he couldn’t help it, but he opened the bottle and gulped down the rest of the wine. He didn’t want to think of what a disgrace he was, for a flower carrying such beautiful memories to ruin his body like this, for it being Master Diluc’s favourite one to do so.

He couldn’t stand the thought of it – at least he didn’t have to think of it for much longer, which really was the only light these days. If he was correct with his previous predictions, it would take four more days until he could die. Four more long days, and Kaeya hoped that until then, nobody would be too bothered with him and his presence. God, how could he let himself ruin the pretty sight of Diluc’s favourite flower by letting his blood dry on it.

At least tomorrow he wouldn’t be inconveniencing anybody, after all, he was doing Albedo a favour. He was helping, being useful. Maybe it would leave a good memory of him for the alchemist. Kaeya desperately hoped so.

- - -

When he woke up the next morning, he needed a moment to get back to himself. Not because he was wrenching up petals again, his coughing fit this morning could be considered rather light, but because the events from yesterday evening were floating around his head like they just couldn’t seem to sort themselves out. Only a few things were which he remembered imminently, like working until late, going to drink a botte of wine, the tea and four more days – now only three.

With a few petals but no complete flower in his handkerchief he made his way to the bathroom. His throat hurt just like yesterday, if not worse, the alcohol hadn’t done him any kind of favour except for the quiet, dreamless sleep.

After finishing dressing himself Kaeya made his way into the kitchen for a warm cup of tea and maybe a light breakfast. His food the last two days had been mainly soup made by Noelle, which he wouldn’t get today, but he didn’t feel like he was up for cooking. Maybe him and Klee could visit the Good Hunter later? There was surely some kind of soup on the menu, he was sure of it.

And so, his breakfast considered of a quick toast and the last apple he had, after working late this week he didn’t really have time to get groceries. It wasn’t all that filling, but he didn’t feel like he could eat anymore than what he had just forced down, and instead choose to finally drink his tea.

His gaze wandered to the tea Charles had given him yesterday, which was sitting on the counter in it’s brown bag, the empty wine bottle standing next to it. He could read the inscription on it: Valberries and Lampgrass, and the memories of last night’s walk home flooded his head.

Lampgrass. Diluc’s favourite flower. Growing inside of him.

Kaeya couldn’t tell what he felt about this, still – he wished he could get some wine and swallow enough of it, until he didn’t have to think of his feelings anymore, just like yesterday, but right now that wasn’t possible. He only realized that he couldn’t really believe this scenario. It seemed so unreal, like someone just made it up, like it was just supposed to fill more pages in a book. It couldn’t be real, but it was, and he felt it. He felt it in the way that his throat hurt from coughing up the flowers and the way that his lungs were working so hard to get his body enough oxygen, but the flower was trying everything to stop them.

Oh, it really was so, so cruel. A flower, ruining him from the inside. And Diluc’s favourite, too. As if it was him, who was once Kaeya’s brother, as if it was Diluc’s missing love ruining Kaeya.

No, no, no. Kaeya didn’t want to think that way, it wasn’t Diluc’s fault. It wasn’t supposed to be, it couldn’t be. It would be so, so mean. Diluc was so good, and so wonderful, and so kind and so helpful and he frequently put his own life at risk to save others. Diluc shouldn’t be the one carrying the burden of killing Kaeya. It wasn’t fair.

He grabbed the bag, putting it into one of his cupboards, and instead picked out his usual tea blend. He needed to think of other things before Klee was coming over soon, he shouldn’t be in such a state when the young child came to visit him. She needed someone happy and bubbly, just like herself – she shouldn’t see the cavalry captain crying, which he only now realized he was doing.

Kaeya watched the hot water on the stove, waiting for it to boil, but on his mind were other things. Though he tried his best to concentrate on what to do later with Klee, on which things he had to work on at least, he couldn’t seem to not think of Diluc and how much kinder he was towards everyone else, how he looked after everyone in town even if his tone was harsh sometimes, and how Kaeya wished he would do the same for him. Because Diluc was good to everyone, but Kaeya wasn’t everyone. Kaeya was only Kaeya.

Of course, he knew that Diluc’s angry words towards him were fair and correct, and that he deserved this harsh tone – it wasn’t meant to be any other way. But that didn’t make it feel any better.

He was so distracted, he almost didn’t realize the water starting to boil. A droplet hit his hand, but with the imminent cool from his cryo vision, he almost didn’t realize it. But at least it was enough to pull him out of his messy mind and instead let him focus on the reality, and he was finally able to finish preparing his tea.

He put some dishes away while waiting for the tea to finish soaking, as he heard a wild knocking on his door. It was familiar – Klee was often every exited, and it reflected in the way she knocked a lot. Kaeya didn’t mind, not at all, though Albedo always tried to calm her a little.

When he opened the door, he was imminently greeted by a small red whirlwind rushing to him, only to end up hugging his legs with a big smile. “Kaeya, Kaeya, Klee missed you! Klee hasn’t seen you in so, so long!”, like always when she was exited her voice was loud and full of energy, and Kaeya almost wanted to cry at the sound of her. She seemed so happy, happy to see him, and maybe he was way to emotional about it, but he just couldn’t stop himself.

“Hello, Klee”, he said, and only when he spoke his first word that day he realised how hoarse his voice sounded. Probably from the coughing – hopefully nobody would notice. “I missed you, too.”

“Klee missed you so” – she showed him how much she missed him by stretching her arms as wide as she could – “much!”, and she looked up to him, smiling and laughing, and Kaeya laughed too, as he let her hug him again.

It felt nice to have someone there who was exited to see him, he couldn’t remember when this had happened last. This was why he needed, desperately needed Klee to like him, and to like the time they spend together, because Kaeya honestly couldn’t stand it if she would be less enthusiastic. Klee deserved to be happy, needed to be happy at all times, and whenever he saw her smile, he needed to do so, too.

He only managed to direct his gaze and attention to Albedo when Klee kept on hugging his leg, seemingly not about to let go. Just like the little girl the alchemist was smiling, probably at the sight of Klee, though not as exited and wildly as her. “Good morning, Kaeya. I’m hoping you had a nice last few days, as it’s been some time since I last saw you”, Albedo was a calm and soothing as always, and Kaeya couldn’t help but admire the man standing in front of him.

“Good morning, Albedo”, Kaeya greeted him, too. “There’s not much going on – nothing interesting at least, I fear.” Albedo had something special about him, Kaeya knew, though he wasn’t sure what it was or why it was or even how it was, but it was there. Over the time Kaeya had known the alchemist, he had realized that it wasn’t only influencing him, but everyone. It was just – something about Albedo made everyone like and trust him, and even more so, tell him all their deepest fears and secrets.

Now, he could feel it, too. He wanted to tell Albedo, about the illness, about how he was such a mess, about how Diluc hated him, about everything, really. And he knew he couldn’t, he was well aware of this, but it didn’t make him want it any less.

Of course, the rational part of his brain spoke the truth, but like most of the time, his dumb emotions didn’t want to listen.

Kaeya wouldn’t tell, he had enough self-control for that. It would ruin his plan of causing no worries and instead quickly and mostly painlessly leaving, and it would too ruin his plan of not inconveniencing everybody. Because it would most definitely not be in Albedo’s favour if Kaeya just started ranting about some uncurable illness in front of him. Instead, it would just be annoying and tiering. Albedo had plans, as Kaeya was aware, and he wouldn’t dare get between those.

Which was why he was hoping to cover up just how nervous he was while talking about the last few days. He couldn’t let anything slip, because Albedo was smart, a genius even, and he would figure out anything, maybe even Kaeya’s lies. “Just paperwork, you know how it is”, Kaeya sighed. “Documents over documents stacking on my desk.”

Albedo nodded, seemingly understanding. “Yeah, I get it. I hope you will find some time to relax then, today?”

“Of course, I’m sure we will be having a wonderful time”, Kaeya answered, smiling down at the little girl, which was now tightly clasping two of his fingers in her small hand. Honestly, he doubted he would be able to relax. He remembered being exhausted from the walk home last night, so how was this supposed to work with an energetic child next to him. There would be no realizing, which he didn’t mind, but he desperately hoped he could keep up with Klee. “We’ll have a nice day and lots of fun, right, Klee?”

“Yes!”, Klee hopped around excitedly. Luckily not noticing Kaeya’s concerns. He wouldn’t know what to do if she found out – he needed today to be like every other day, run after her and hold her hand while she sprinted around town. He just needed to get through it. “Kaeya is always so fun!”, Klee said, and oh, hearing this made Kaeya feel so nice – warm inside, like for a moment, his throat stopped hurting and oh, breathing was so, so easy. Of course, this didn’t hold for long, it was only his imagination after all, but he wanted it back imminently. But it was almost enough to forget his concerns and scares of the day for a few moments.

Albedo laughed, ruffling through Klee’s hair. “Well, I hope you two will have a good day, then. I’d stay for some catching up, but I have to get going now, meeting’s starting soon”, he gave Kaeya an apologetic glance, and Kaeya felt the lump in his throat form imminently, only a moment later, it was replaced by the terrible stinging feeling, like there were once again thorns stuck inside of him. “Maybe we can talk later”, Albedo asked, and Kaeya just nodded. He didn’t trust his hoarse voice enough for an answer. “I’ll come and get Klee by the evening. Is six okay with you, Kaeya?”, the fact that Albedo was looking at him, seemingly waiting for an answer, took Kaeya another moment to realize.

He swallowed, and tried to concentrate on the words he would be saying. Speaking was so easy, why did it feel so hard now? He just needed to be normal, like it was any other day, that couldn’t be this hard! “Of course, six is fine”, Kaeya finally answered, and though there was a slight shake in his voice, Albedo seemed to be fine with this answer.

“That’s wonderful, then!” The alchemist smiled. “See you later, then, you two!” He turned around to make his way to whatever meeting there was where he needed to be .

“Have a good day, ‘bedo!”, Klee winked as Albedo walked away from Kaeya’s door. “See you later!”, Kaeya imitated Klee and winked after the blonde, too, who also waved at them before turning around a corner.

“Now, now”, Kaeya shifted his attention to Klee, who was still clinging to his fingers. “What do you want to do, Klee?” The little girl was grinning up at him, almost making Kaeya worry she was going to plant bombs across the town, but then she seemed to really think about it, a more serious expression clouding her face.

“I want a picknick!”, she decided then.

Kaeya believed he would be fine with this – as long as they didn’t go too far from Mondstadt, which he couldn’t allow anyways, he could make sure they’d walk slow enough that he’d keep up. It would be fine, probably, but the whole situation still made him nervous. What if Klee noticed, what if anyone noticed? He needed to be careful. It probably would’ve been best if he’d cancelled this, but that too would’ve been suspicious, and to be honest, he hadn’t wanted it either. He had wanted to see Klee and spend the day with her, he just hadn’t wanted to be sick and on the brink of death when doing so.

But it was Klee, and Klee with her cute little smile, and Kaeya just couldn’t say no to her. If Klee wanted a picknick, she’d get a picknick – and he would do anything to make it happen for her.

 - - -

And so, Klee’s decision was final.

Kaeya had packed the two of them a few things, some water and tea, a blanket and some pencils, before deciding they’d get some lunch to go at Good Hunter and then making their way to find a good picknick spot. He didn’t feel like cooking, and Klee seemed fine enough with buying food.

Because Klee wanted to leave the city and go along the shore to find a picknick spot, that’s what they did. It went relatively well, if not counting the fact that Klee got one of Timmy’s pigeons on the way with a bomb of hers and Kaeya had to profusely apologise to the boy before they got to go any further. Luckily, Klee was very sorry about her behaviour after realising that Timmy was sad, which helped convince the boy it wouldn’t ever, ever happen again.

Still, when Klee had decided that she liked the place they choose and when Kaeya had deemed it safe enough from any hilichurls and slimes, he was quite exhausted. His throat hurt even more than this very morning, though he had tried to keep the worst coughs inside, it was probably from the laughing and talking he did with Klee. He couldn’t help it, he just needed to laugh when she did, her good mood was contagious.

Though, Kaeya had taken notice, it wasn’t like normally. The constant scratching in his throat and the coughs always reminded him of what was happening to him and what everyone around him thought of him.

But Klee seemed so carefree and happy and smiled just like always, he wouldn’t let her notice any of this, wouldn’t ruin her day like this. So he laughed and smiled and talked like always, and helped her with her drawings and told her stories of the knights.

“Klee’s hungry”, she announced as the sun stood in the south, indicating that it was lunchtime and so, time for their food.

“Of course, we can eat now”, Kaeya sat down on the blanket he bought along next to the little girl. “Do you want to drink something, too?”

“Yes”, Klee nodded, watching as Kaeya opened their picknick basket and pulled out their fisherman’s toast, along with a bottle of apple juice and a bottle of his tea. As the content of the bottles wasn’t recognizable from the outside, Klee sat still next to him to see every move of Kaeya. “What do we have?”

“We have the sandwiches, some apples I bought and the sunsettias you picked on the way”, Kaeya showed her everything inside of the basket. “What’s that?”, Klee asked, pointing to small container at the bottom.

“Pudding”, and at Klee’s exited expression, tried to calm her a bit before she’d just grab it now. “You can eat it after lunch, okay? Let’s first have the sandwiches.” Klee nodded, though she didn’t seem fully convinced.

“Do you want some juice with you food?”, Kaeya asked as he realized her sneaky stares to the basket still holding the pudding. “I have apple juice, or tea, whichever you prefer.”

“Juice”, the little girl smiled at him while answering, grabbing a cup and holding it so that Kaeya could fill it with her drink. “Klee doesn’t like tea, Kaeya”, she said, shaking her head and scaring Kaeya that she might spill her juice, but luckily, it somehow all stayed in her cup.

“Why do you not like tea, huh? It’s fruity and warm…”, Kaeya said, filling his own cup with the tea, which was luckily still decently warm. Maybe it’d help his throat and voice, which had only gotten more hoarse since earlier. He tried his best not to let it show.

“Tea is yucky!”, Klee exclaimed firmly. “Albedo said tea is nice, but it wasn’t nice at all.”

“Oh, no, Klee, that’s terrible”, Kaeya said, and Klee nodded along. “Do you drink tea, Kaeya?”, she asked, looking up to him from her almost finished sandwich. “Are you drinking the tea?”

“Yes, I’m drinking tea”, Kaeya answered her, showing her his cup. It was warming his fingers, which wasn’t necessary as it was decently warm around this time of the year, but it still felt nice and helped soothe his running thoughts like it helped soothe the itch in his throat, though only slightly. Each day with the illness, it helped a little less.

“Is Kaeya sick?”, Klee asked, and suddenly nothing inside Kaeya was soothed anymore. Had Klee found out? Klee, of all people? What would he do, he didn’t know, he had no idea, none at all, and his brain felt, so, so empty, he could think of something, anything to say to this. Klee couldn’t know, then everyone else would know, and his wonderful plan of dying quietly and without bothering anybody was ruined.

He couldn’t think, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t do anything and even if he could, he wouldn’t even know what to do.

His breathing was quickening rapidly, but it felt like there was no air in his lungs either way – maybe it was the flower, maybe it was already cutting of his air supply, maybe it had grown enough and maybe he’d suffocate right here, right now, next to Klee.

He wanted to puke, but he couldn’t, because he couldn’t do anything.

“Kaeya?”, Klee asked, softly and quiet, and looked up to him with her big eyes. “Are you okay?” She grabbed after him to take his hand, and only now Kaeya realized she was trembling. He was scaring her. This thought, that it was his fault that Klee was grabbing after him and shaking, because he didn’t answer her and instead got lost in his own messy thoughts, finally managed to bring him back down to earth.

She was just a child, she didn’t know, but she was worried about him.

It calmed him a little, not much, but enough that he could catch a clear breath and not much later, clear thought again and managed to pull Klee to sit in his lap. “I’m fine, Klee. No need to worry about me.” She looked up to him, her small hand tightly clasping his wrist. It felt dirty and a bit wet, probably from her playing by the water earlier and then shoving the sandwich in her mouth, but he didn’t care right now. He needed to make sure she was happy, that she was smiling. She deserved to feel that way, and it was his job to do so.

“Kaeya’s sure?”, Klee asked. Then, she leaned up to him, and whispered in his ear. “Kaeya doesn’t have to drink the tea if he doesn’t want to, I promise I won’t tell.”

And Kaeya couldn’t help but laugh at her words, running his hand through her hair softly. “That’s very nice of you, Klee, but I’m fine. I just… like my tea.” Klee seemed not completely sure of this answer, judging by her confused expression. “It’s fruit tea. Do you want to try some?”, Kaeya asked.

The child shook her head imminently. “Tea is yucky! Albedo made tea, and he said it’d be good, but it was yucky, and I had to drink it anyway!”

“All tea tastes different”, Kaeya tries to make Klee understand that not all tea tastes like Albedo’s tea, though he does remember drinking tea with the alchemist after a mission in dragonspine and it really wasn’t all that bad? At least he doesn’t remember it to be. But maybe children have a different taste, Kaeya can remember disliking some of the tea he drank as child, mostly the bitter tea Adelinde made him when he was sick – now, he was sure, he’d appreciate it more. “Though I believe it’s not very nice of Albedo to make you drink it still.”

Klee laid her head skew, eyes watching Kaeya so intensely it almost made him a little nervous. “Kaeya won’t tell?”, she asked, and to be honest, he had no idea what she was talking about. But it seemed to be a secret, and unless she was doing anything dangerous, he most definitely wouldn’t tell, so he shook his head.

Once again, Klee whispered the words into his ear, her breath warm and making it a bit hard for Kaeya to understand her, but he could still catch the most important things. “Last week, Klee was coughing, and Albedo said I’m sick and not allowed to go outside and play. And I had to drink the yucky tea.” She shook her head in disgust. “But I went to play without telling, and ‘bedo caught me, and told me I’d make people sick with my baceterie – batecierie …”

“Bacteria”, Kaeya said the word.

Klee nodded. “Yes, Klee had that and it’d make other’s sick.” She looked to the ground, once again grabbing Kaeya’s hand. “Klee’s very sorry if she made you sick with her bacteria. Kaeya sounded just like me when he coughed earlier.”

Kaeya smiled, soothingly rubbing his thumb over her small hand. “There’s no need to worry, Klee. I’m doing perfectly fine, I had just something in my throat.” He grabbed a second sandwich from their bag. “Let’s not think about sickness, now, yes? Instead, let’s finish our lunch.”

“Yes”, Klee nodded, her hand rubbing over her eyes. “I’m hungry.” She looked at him suddenly serious though: “But no tea for Klee.”

And Kaeya laughed, and Klee laughed too, and for another moment everything seemed so nice and easy. Though only a moment later this kind idyll was disrupted by the memories of him and Diluc laughing, when they were younger, when everything was fine, when they were still just children like Klee and didn’t know what bacteria were and all they cared about was having a good time. By then, the cough forming in his throat gradually reminded him of the truth around him.

He could feel the tears gathering in the corner his eye, for the fact that his life wouldn’t even shed him even a few seconds in his last days to enjoy this carefree and happy feeling, but wiped them away quicker than he even realized.

Klee shouldn’t see those. Klee shouldn’t see him in any of those situations, and for a splint of a second, he’d almost regretted his decision to die, because Klee shouldn’t have to know of anyone’s death.

But then he remembered all the times he had inconvenienced the people around him, and annoyed him, and how this sickness and made him aware of the fact that it was true, they really did all hate him, and Diluc thought he was useless knight, and really, it was better if he was gone. Klee would forget. She was just a child, after all.

It made him cough again, those thoughts, and though Klee looked at him for a moment, when he whispered something about the tea, she just mumbled: "Yucky tea." and went back to eating her toast. Kaeya wished he was child, too, and wouldn’t have to worry about other things than tea he didn’t like.

Chapter Text

While Kaeya had felt better earlier after laughing with the small girl sitting in his lap, not soon later he realized that he was in fact far too sick for this. He could barely get down the sandwich, because every time he tried to swallow a bite it hurt terribly. How he was supposed to get through his last days like this? He didn’t know, because he didn’t even know how to get through today.

Klee realized, too, though Kaeya tried his best to hide every sign of his sickness. But as he couldn’t follow her through the shallow water as they were playing fetch and instead coughed up another flower, she was holding onto his legs by the time he got back to reality and refused to let go.

Luckily, he was able to hide the flower, but Klee had noticed that something about him wasn’t right, something was different from every other day. “Kaeya sounds like he’s sick”, she had said, and though Kaeya tried his best – which wasn’t much in the state he was in – to convince her he wasn’t, it didn’t work very well. Klee just ignored his protests, and instead was thinking about a solution to Kaeya sounding like he’s sick, Kaeya could hear her mumble as he made his way back to blanket, breathing heavily and the little girl not letting go from him.

“Albedo said, when people are sick, they need a doctor”, she mumbled, while Kaeya tried his best to get the bottle of tea open with just one hand. Klee was holding the other in a tight grip. “But Kaeya’s only a little sick, like Klee is sometimes, and Klee does only need Albedo as a doctor then. So…Klee will be Kaeya’s doctor.”

Kaeya had to smile at her solution, though he didn’t find the energy in himself to do so more openly. He was quiet, as Klee mumbled about what a doctor should do, and the only one who could see his smile where the ants making their way to the crumbs of their sandwiches.

He didn’t have to wait long for Doctor Klee’s first course of action: Kaeya needed to be in bed, just like she had to be when she was sick.

“There’s no need for that, Klee, really, I’m perfectly fine”, Kaeya said as the little girl tried to pull him of the blanket. “Just go play for a moment by yourself, until I’m feeling better, okay? I’ll be back with you in just a moment.” He smiled up to her, but Klee didn’t let the grip she had on his arm fade.

“No”, she answered, rather determined. “Klee wants to be a doctor now.”

“Fine”, Kaeya didn’t have it in himself to argue. And if he was honest, he did kind of wanted to lay in bed, he just didn’t want Klee to have a bad time with him. She needed to like him, she needed to feel comfortable around him – he wanted that for her. “We will play doctor and patient, okay?”

“Yes!”, Klee jumped excitedly. “Doctor Klee will make patient Kaeya good again!” He smiled softly, while the girl already began putting their picknick stuff back into the basket. Later, when Kaeya would have to unpack it, it certainly wouldn’t be all that neat and orderly, but it didn’t matter right now. Klee wouldn’t let him help either way, he had tried to grab for the basket but she had told him “Sick people need to be careful.” Only the tea was left as she closed the messy basket, which she gave to him with the words, that he needed to drink his tea until they were home, because it would make him healthy.

She insisted on carrying the basket, too. It was way too big for her small body – not all that heavy anymore, but still not comfortable to carry. But she wouldn’t let Kaeya take a step close, instead concentrating on taking careful steps with the basket in a tight, safe grip. They moved at a slow pace, which Kaeya didn’t mind, but the fact that Klee was carrying that heavy thing didn’t sit right with him. Every time she looked like she was remotely unsafe in her movement, his heart beat faster. Though nothing ever happened, he panicked every time.

Despite these struggles, they made it to Kaeya’s small flat safely.

There, Klee nervously asked Kaeya to help her boil water for more tea (he had, just like she told him, finished his tea on the way home), because she wasn’t allowed to use the stove yet, as Albedo had decided. Kaeya knew this was reasonable, and as Klee still seemed very determined about her game of “Doctor and patient”, he stopped trying to get her to play something else and instead helped her. Tea was finished quickly, and they set it down on the small table in front of Kaeya’s coach, where Klee then decided she was going to place him.

“Kaeya, sit down”, she said. “I will get a scarf.” Kaeya nodded. The way home had been rather slow, but exhausted him nonetheless. He hoped the paperwork tomorrow would be easier, at least he didn’t have to much for that, right? He only needed to be careful with the other knights, and Noelle, so that they wouldn’t realize the state he was in. Klee did after all pick up on it, if only a little and if she now viewed it as a new game, but he was aware of the fact that if he coughed up a flower in front of anyone else, they wouldn’t let go off the situation so easily.

He needed to get better at this, at the hiding. Otherwise, all his plans to end his life easily and in a way that wouldn’t inconvenience others wouldn’t work. And he really, really couldn’t risk that, because he knew, he felt it, he couldn’t go on with this flower for much longer. With the way it’s thorns were scratching his throat and the petals blocking his airways, he couldn’t do this.

Kaeya tried to take a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself, but it really didn’t work all that well. Once again, he felt that there was something wrong inside of his body, and by now, it was far more than the slight tingle tickling his throat it had been at the beginning, when he first realized that there was something.

“Found one!”, Klee managed to pull him out of his thoughts with her sweet voice, and Kaeya did his best to put on a smile at the sight of the small girl in front of him holding a way too long scarf in her small arms. He took it from her and covered himself, and against all odds, it helped. Not much, not at all to make this go away, but it made this situation more durable.

“Thank you, Klee”, he said. His smile was genuine, though his throat hurt terribly and he didn’t want to talk at all, he did anyway. It was for Klee, after all. “I’m sure I will get better in no time!”

Klee nodded excitedly. “Klee is the best doctor, Doctor Klee will help the captain!” And for a moment, he felt warm.

- - -

Klee did her best to care for him, and Kaeya did his best to make sure to everyone, well, Klee and most importantly himself, that it was only a game and that in reality, he really wasn’t sick and didn’t need a child to take care of him. In fact, he was doing perfectly fine, and the handkerchief tightly held in his hand which was filled with a bunch of flowers didn’t exist.

He needed to tell himself this one more time by the time someone was knocking on the door, while Klee wrapped a bandage around his head. She told him she had seen it in a book, and that it would help his coughs. Kaeya knew it wouldn’t, but he wasn’t about to argue with a child which was doing her best to make him feel better.

Though he was perfectly fine, he didn’t think he could feel any better.

“I’m sure that’s Albedo, Klee”, he said, as the young girl didn’t seem to notice the knocking. “Let’s go take a look.”

Klee perked up at the mention of Albedo, her concentrated face leaving for a smile to show. “ ‘bedo’s here?”

Kaeya nodded. “I think so”, he said, swinging his legs of the couch to stand up, but stopping at Klee’s sceptical gaze. “What does Doctor Klee think, am I healthy enough to walk to the door?”

“Klee thinks so”, she decided after a moment of contemplating. “Just don’t get Albedo sick with your bacretia…”

“Of course, I’ll be careful”, he assured her, and that seemed to be enough for the girl, as she was imminently up herself, basically racing to the door. Kaeya wasn’t as fast, mainly because he had to get the bandage Klee had only wrapped around his head half of after it feel onto his face.

Klee had already opened the door for Albedo and was hugging him, just as she had hugged Kaeya this morning, clinging onto his leg just as tightly. “Hello, Albedo, Klee missed you”, the words came out muffled because she was speaking into Albedo’s pants, but the two man were still able to understand her.

“I missed you, too”, Albedo laughed while ruffling through her hair, before turning his gaze to Kaeya. “Well, Kaeya, did you also miss me?”

And Kaeya laughed, because it was a joke, but if he was honest, he kind of did. He hadn’t seen Albedo in almost three weeks, because the alchemist had been busy on dragonspine with some very important research. Three weeks was a long time, and Albedo had always been a calm and pleasant presence in his life, so really, how couldn’t Kaeya miss him? Albedo was always helpful and kind and Kaeya admired him for it.

But really, he shouldn’t exploit Albedo’s kindness and use it against him. Albedo was only here because Kaeya did him a favour, and he was only joking around because it was appropriate in this situation. Kaeya needed to respond with the same kind of joke, and not the truth. The truth was not made for this moment.

“Of course I missed you, too, oh my dear Albedo”, Kaeya said, smiling with his best ability. His throat hurt, and though Klee’s tea had helped and the warmth of the scarf did, too, he was most certainly not well. Though he would miss Klee terribly, he was kind of glad to get some quiet and alone time.

Albedo laughed at his response, and Kaeya let out a breath. He had said the right thing, he had made Albedo laugh, he was doing well despite the sickness. He just needed to be careful now, so that the alchemist could keep the good impression for when in three days, there would be no more impression to make.

“Thank you for taking care of Klee, Kaeya”, Albedo said then. “Luckily, it didn’t take too much time and everything went well. How about to celebrate the day, I take you and this little girl here out to eat?”

Kaeya didn’t know what to answer to this. He wanted to – he wanted so bad. Doing anything with Albedo was wonderful, really, and he never said no to an invitation for free food. And he really wanted to catch up with the alchemist, hear him talk about his research all exited, and he wanted to see Klee pick around her food and try to get her to eat with the cutlery. He really, really wanted to do this – but he couldn’t.

Not today, and not tomorrow, and never again. It would of course be nice to do this at least one last time, but he didn’t feel like he could.

His throat hurt and there was something stuck inside of him, he felt like he’d spent the rest of the day wrenching over the sink trying to cough up all petals and flowers and whatever there was inside off him. He could feel himself shaking, too, he missed the scarf Klee had draped over him earlier. And he couldn’t stand saying it, but he was too sick for this.

It was probably to risky, too.

Klee had already, at least kind off, figured out his sickness. This couldn’t happen again, and most definitely not with Albedo. Albedo was smart, and while Kaeya knew that he was also smart, or at least not dumb, Albedo was better with this. He was better at figuring things out, reading clues, anything like that.

If Albedo knew he was feeling bad, everything was over.

“I’m sorry, Albedo, but I don’t think I have time for this today.” He had all the time in the world, because he wouldn’t be able to move his body into another position with the way it hurt so terribly. “I’m pretty busy.” That part at least, was kind of right. “Paperwork, you know.” He did in fact still have lots of paperwork left. “I can’t make it today, maybe another time?” It hurt Kaeya terribly to say this, knowing that there never would be another time. Because in three days, he would be gone, gone without a trace, and nobody would have to worry about spending their salary for his dinner.

“That’s sad of course, but you’re right. Work first”, Albedo smiled up to him, understanding, like he hadn’t seen right through Kaeya’s lies. Maybe he hadn’t? With Albedo, Kaeya could never tell. “I’m sure we’ll find another day to have dinner together. But don’t forget, yeah?”

“Of course, I wouldn’t”, Kaeya smiled back at him. He wouldn’t. He’d be thinking of this moment for the last few days of his short life, and he’d feel terrible for it.

- - -

Albedo left not soon after, all the while him and Klee were waving Kaeya goodbye. It had taken some time for girl to understand that they had to go home now, which she hadn’t been fine with, and it had broken Kaeya’s heart another time, but oh, he would lie if he said he wasn’t so damn glad when the door finally fell closed behind him and he could succumb his body and himself to a miserable coughing fit.

He slid down the door, and for a second, he felt like a character in one of Lisa’s favourite tragic romances after a break up, before his body shook and a petal landed on the floor.

This was his real, existing life, and once more, the reality hit him harshly. He hated himself for being unable to accept the truth, because every time it took him by surprise and he remembered what was really going on.

Kaeya couldn’t tell how long he was just sitting there, unable to make out what was around him, like the whole world was blurry and muted. The only thing he felt was pain – the pain of his lungs, his throat, and how hot he felt and how cold it was. Breathing was so hard, and every breath rattled through him like those of the heavy smokers inside the tavern, and sometimes it just wouldn’t work.

It made him panic each time and made everything more blurry, even harder to take in, until the petal was out and he could breath at least a bit better.

Only when he heard the cathedral’s bells, a familiar sound, he began to his journey back into the world. Slowly, he became more aware of everything, up to the point where he actually realised just how many petals were there, littered all over his floor and himself.

He didn’t even try to count them, he didn’t need to feel anymore terrible, but as the gathered them in his hands to throw them away, he couldn’t help but make a note of many there were, at least, if not more. He wished his brain would’ve just kept shut, hadn’t counted a little over twenty, but it didn’t seem to like him very much, as he had realized the previous days already.

The few steps to the next trash can were seemingly harder than the last few to the top of dragonspine, and when Kaeya had thrown the petals away, he could do nothing but stumble to the next chair, awkwardly holding the platter of the dining table as he waited for the world around to stop spinning.

He couldn’t remember much of what he did for the rest of the day – somehow, he had managed to get out of the clothes he had worn that day and made it into thick clothes, way too thick for summer and he was sweating by the time he had cuddled himself under the blanket, but if he got out of anything, he was freezing terribly.

The scarf Klee had given him earlier was wrapped around his neck, and Kaeya held the end tightly in his hand. He couldn’t let go of it, he didn’t dare too. The next morning, he woke up with the scarf somehow ending up at the edge of his bed.

- - -

Under normal circumstances, today was a very nice day. The weather was wonderful, the air warm and fresh, and Kaeya could smell the freshly baked bread as he crossed the marketplace. The sky was a wonderful blue, not a cloud to be seen, and the sun was warming up the air just enough for it to be a comfortable temperature. But Kaeya didn’t feel like this weather fit – maybe it did fit, but to everyone around but him, and their good mood, their loud talking and their laughs and their happiness, but it didn’t fit him.

For Kaeya, there wasn’t any normal circumstance today. He felt nothing but terrible. How would he get through work in this state? He had no idea, but he still made his way there. He had planned so, after all, and he couldn’t dare ruining this plan due to taking a sick day.

Maybe, if he was lucky, nobody would notice.

Despite how he tried to stay strong, he was miserable, really, and he wished he could die today already. How was he supposed to finish his work? He had no idea. He had no idea of anything, really. The only thing he knew was that he was freezing, and everything was so cold even though it was so, so warm.

Even the stairs he had to walk to get to the Favonius headquarters seemed steep and exhausting to him, like he was just finishing up patrol and not only getting to work. The rest of the day would be hard, Kaeya knew, but he couldn’t give up now. He needed to finish his work, just like he had promised himself. It wouldn’t be long anymore, he tried to tell himself to get in a better mood and to get some strength into his weak arms to open the heavy front door.

He wasn’t as early as the day before yesterday, and due to this, the hall was more full than back then. But to his luck, he didn’t see anyone he was close enough with to strike up a quick conversation, because he felt if he had to stand around here any longer, he would be falling over from exhaustion soon. Just these last few stairs, and there, his chair would be, he got this. The illness made him weaker, but he was still… strong. He just needed to be.

Really, what else would he be if not strong? If he was not strong enough to take it, what would be left of him?

There wasn’t anything else for him to do, Kaeya knew this. He could only live through it, with it, until his body wouldn’t be able to carry the burden of the sickness anymore. Then, he could finally give up – but until then, he needed to take it.

When he opened the door to his office, there was already a teapot waiting for him on his desk, still steaming. Noelle really was a wonderful person, always thinking of everyone around her. The tea filled the whole room with a fruity smell, and Kaeya hoped this smell would stay for the rest of the day, because then maybe he’d have less of a headache after all the paperwork.

He sat down, and got to work. If he got over with it quickly, he’d be able to go home quicker, and spend one last night in his apartment, in his bed, with his thoughts occupied by his brother hating him, before it then would finally be over.

- - -

Somehow, Kaeya managed to focus on his work, despite the way his head was pounding and his eyes kept on wanting to close. But it was fine – he just kept rubbing them and drinking small sips of tea to stay awake. He was tired from hanging with Klee yesterday, and those boring documents didn’t do any good to help him focus, but by telling himself how lucky he was that he got to spend some time with Klee before he had to leave made it better. Not easier, neither the goodbye nor the work, but better.

He winced in surprise at the knock on the door. Who was that? Why were they here? Did they know anything? It made him nervous, and his heart was pounding fast as the door was opened. He had been lucky today, nobody had come in the whole morning, Noelle had probably been busy elsewhere. Maybe it had been too much to hope it would stay that way.

Now, there was someone.

But he couldn’t change that now, and so, Kaeya called out: “Come in”. For a moment, he wondered if the person had even heard, with how quiet and soft he was today. It wasn’t on purpose. His voice was still hoarse after all the coughing of the last days, and whenever he talked it stung uncomfortably.

They came in anyway, whether they had heard or not, because it was Lisa who had knocked. Kaeya doubted that Lisa cared much if people asked her to come in, if it was quiet for too long, she’d open the door either way.

“Hello, my dear Kaeya”, she greeted him with a smile, like how nice and cheerful she greeted everyone, and closed the door behind herself. “What have you been up to today? I heard you’ve been holed up inside with paperwork the whole week.”

Kaeya waved it off, doing his best to smile back at her. Hopefully she didn’t want him to go on patrol. He didn’t think he’d manage that. “Oh, it’s alright, Lisa. I’ve been out with Klee yesterday. I’m doing good inside here.” He sighed, a bit dramatic, but that was okay with Lisa. “Just the work is the problem.”

“Well, how about I treat you to a meal then? We can take a walk through the city and spend our break at angel’s share.” On any other day, he’d agree to Lisa’s invitation without a second thought. It was something they did on slow, annoying days. Taking a walk through the city, spending some time in one of the taverns or restaurants of the city, sometimes even at the cathedral.

Kaeya wished he could simply say yes. He wanted to spend time with Lisa, he wanted to listen to her complain about her work or talk to her about the book she’d been reading or be annoyed by her by talks about romance and love and whoever was looking good these days, and he wanted to sign and watch her giggle and – and most off all, he wanted to cry.

He didn’t cry, because he coughed instead.

It was a bad cough, with quite a few petals, which he just barely managed to hide in his handkerchief. Hopefully, she hadn’t noticed the petals – it was bad enough that he had coughed in front of her. The last few days, he had managed to keep his symptoms at bay in front of others, and now he had messed up. All that for nothing. It only made him want to cry more, but that at least he managed to keep to himself.

“Kaeya?”, Lisa was concerned, he could hear it. “Are you sick?”

He was, and he felt terrible and disgusting and whatever other negative adjectives there were, he was sure he felt them all. Of course, he didn’t say that. Instead, he shook his head. “Just a few coughs today”, he said. “Probably the weather.”

Lisa raised an eyebrow at that, which was understandable. The weather was amazing, as he had already noticed this morning and now remembered. Through the window, the sun was shining inside his office, and the sky was still without any clouds. “Maybe it’d be good if you went home, Kaeya. You do enough work to let yourself get some rest. Take your sick days, they’re there for a reason.”

No, he wanted to scream. No, he couldn’t do that, because he’d never be able to work again and this needed to be finished. It wasn’t a lot, not anymore, just the rest of it. But he needed it done. At least something he could do to make everything a bit easier.

How could he convince Lisa that he was fine? Just a cough here and there, Kaeya really was doing amazing, nothing wrong at all. And just like that, Kaeya spoke: “I’m really fine. No need to worry. Instead, you should think about what you’ll get for lunch.”

Lisa still didn’t seem fully convinced, but at Kaeya agreeing to her lunch plans she did seem to be at least somewhat more relaxed. “That’s what I like to hear”, she said, smiling at him. “I’ll get my wallet, then. Let’s meet downstairs in ten minutes, so you can finish your sentences.” She waved while leaving, closing the door behind her quickly.

She was right. Normally, Kaeya liked to finish the last sentence of whatever he had been working on before going out to eat. Today, he believed, it was the first time he didn’t do that – probably in all the time he had been working for the knights. Instead, he leaned back, took a deep breath, and thought how he wanted to hit himself for agreeing to Lisa’s proposal. What if he had to cough up a flower on the way. What if the world started spinning again, and he’d have to sit down on the way, what would she think then? She’d send him to the cathedral and they’d figure out that he had that dumb Hanahaki and that nobody loved him and–

Kaeya needed to calm down. He grabbed his wallet, his bag in which he just shoved all of his documents, just in case he could finish them at home later today, then he could leave first thing in the morning, leave everything behind, find himself a nice place, maybe by the statue close to the winery or under Venessa’s tree or at the small lake behind the winery, on the island for example? Maybe he could ice bridge there, if he was still strong enough then.

He made his way downstairs into the hall slowly. Every step felt so hard, like he needed as much strength as he would normally use in a fight, but what could he do? He had agreed, he couldn’t back out now. That would make her suspicious. He simply needed to get through this. Make the best of it. At least some more time with Lisa before he… before he’d leave. 

Lisa was already waiting for him by the door, talking to one of the guards, who already had a flushed face, probably from Lisa’s usual flirty comments. Kaeya smiled slightly at the sight, Lisa really was special. She meant a lot to him, but he knew she needed some getting used to, putting it easy.

He decided to just save the guard from blushing even harder, instead calling out to Lisa. “I’m ready”.

“Sir Kaeya”, the guard gasped, seemingly surprised but based on the look of his face, he was glad at the distraction. “My dear captain”, Lisa said, smiling. “You managed to write very quickly today.” Normally, he was a few minutes late whenever they meet here rather spontaneous, still with his thoughts on work. Today, it felt like his thoughts were empty.

“I was almost finished already”, he just said. “Should we leave?”

Lisa nodded, opening the door for him. “Did you think of what to eat already, my dear?”

- - -

Luckily for him, Lisa was a slow walker, getting hung up with way too many people on the way or flowers on the sidewalk. She loved to tell him about the meaning of whatever flowers were planted, or listen to the plans of the people they meet. He tried his best to engage in these conversations, but his tired state of mind left him a bit more distant than usual. At least he didn’t have to hurry this way, and could concentrate on setting one foot in front of the other without falling over.

That was why he was happy when they finally made it to the angels share, just before he remembered that maybe, Diluc was here. He didn’t know how he could forget, it wasn’t a particularly surprising fact. Either way, it made him nervous. Why, he couldn’t exactly tell. Master Diluc wouldn’t notice, surely, and even if he did, he wouldn’t care. That’s why he got sick in the first place, right? Because Master Diluc didn’t care.

It was fine. Kaeya didn’t blame him. It wasn’t Diluc’s fault. 

He tried to blame his nervousness on the way his throat ached, as he felt another petal inside of him. There were enough handkerchiefs he had bought with him to hide any evidence, but if he coughed, Lisa would hear and worry and send him to the cathedral, and everything would be ruined. The thought made him panic even more, really, it felt like everything made him panic, and while previously he might’ve been able to swallow down the petal, now he did cough.

He was standing in the middle of the doorway of the angel’s share, coughing his heart out. Lisa watched him with worry and a supporting hand on his back. It was comforting, made the situation a bit more comfortable, as much as it could, and helped him ground himself.

It made him think of Venti in the library, and off the way Venti was there and helped him get his clothes tidy again and asked him if everything was alright and just like then, Kaeya was this close to crying. He wanted to cry a lot, he thought. Maybe because nobody loved him and he would die, alone and cold, just like when he had felt when he had gotten his vision.

“Are you really okay, Kaeya? You look a bit sick, and you sound sick, too. A day of rest would do you well.” Lisa sounded concerned, he thought while looking through teary eyes at the ground. Did he cry? No, it didn’t feel like it. He wiped his eyes with his sleeves once, before looking up.

This was a mistake. Because on the other side of the room, behind the bar, Diluc was standing. And he was looking at Kaeya. His expression was like always, impervious and incomprehensible. But there was something in it, something different, something Kaeya couldn’t understand. It was similar to what Lisa had said, but what exactly–

Concern.

He abolished the thought imminently. There was no concern for him. None at all, there couldn’t be. It didn’t work like that. People had no concern for Kaeya, not after Crepus’ death. It was fine, of course. It did however hurt more when the hope came up.

“I’m fine, Lisa, no worries”, he said, standing up straight again. The world was spinning around him, maybe the land was jumping up and down, he couldn’t tell. Somehow, he managed to stay upright. “Really, everything’s okay. My throat is just tingling weirdly today.” He smiled at her best he could. “Let’s sit down.” Lisa didn’t seem fine with that. The expression Kaeya had falsely interpreted as Concern didn’t change, but she didn’t say anything either as they sat down at a small table. From his seat, Kaeya had a good view all over the tavern and the bar. Lisa sat down opposite of him.

The angel’s share didn’t serve many dishes, they were a tavern first and foremost, but you could get some simple meals which were still good, mainly so people wouldn’t be drinking on an empty stomach. Some fisherman’s toast, mushroom or meat skewers, noodles and some radish veggie soup.

Lisa quickly decided on her favourite meal of noodles, and Kaeya got the soup. It would be good for his aching throat, hopefully. “I’ll just go order for us”, Lisa said, getting up to go tell Diluc their orders at the counter. Maybe she had seen the way Kaeya had walked so uncoordinated just now, because everything had been spinning and falling into each other in front of his eyes. It was better now, because he was sitting down, but he wondered how he was going to make it back home. It wasn’t far, but he felt like he needed to sit down every five meters, and that really wouldn’t work. Maybe his muscle memory would suffice.

His soup was placed in front of him by Lisa, her smile just as bright and cheerful as when they went outside, but there was something different now. Either way, she sat down opposite of him. “For the fact that Diluc isn’t a trained chef, his cooking really is good”, she said, digging into her food.

Kaeya nodded along. “That’s true.” He remembered from when he was a child that Diluc always liked to help Adelinde cook. He mostly sat on the counter, watching and tasting, but Diluc was always quick on her side to help her stir something. There was a time where he had thought of those memories fondly, but now they left a bitter aftertaste.

“So, Kaeya, did you find anything regarding your case?”, Lisa asked. “I’m intrigued, with that old book you were carrying around.”

Oh. Kaeya remembered now. He had almost forgotten his lie from a few days ago, where he had told Lisa about some imaginary case about old illnesses he had been working on, for which he had chosen a thick book from the library. That case had never existed – instead, he had used the book to figure out which illness was affecting him.

The words on the page were still burned into his head. It will suffocate the affected person. Often ends with death of the affected. Caused in most known cases due to unrequited love.

He swallowed. “No, sadly, it don’t think it’ll help much. On my source are only very vague symptoms described, which can be lead to many conclusion. I think I’ll just have to get out again, maybe I can find more clues.”

“I understand. But, I’m sure that you will do an amazing job and find out the truth, my dear Kaeya”, Lisa smiled, as charming and sweet as always.

“Either way, what have you been up to the last few days? Noelle told me you were out yesterday”, Kaeya did his best to change the topic, and it did seem to work, as Lisa began to talk about the book she had collected yesterday, as it had been overdue by a few days. He did his best to listen, but it was a hard.

Not that there were all too much distractions, the tavern was almost empty, as it was just midday. Only two drunkards were sitting in one corner, laughing quietly to themselves, and Lisa and him at their table. Of course, there was also Diluc behind the counter. But it was just so hard to do anything. Kaeya could barely remember when walking had been easy, when he didn’t have to stop and gasp for air while walking up the stairs to the headquarters, when he had looked forward to patrol because he didn’t have to sit around all day.

He couldn’t remember when everything didn’t make him cry, and it almost made him cry again, the fact that he would die while barely being able to think about the time where he looked forward to waking up. Though that was, now that he thought about it, a long time ago. He mainly looked forward to falling asleep.

- - -

They finished their food rather quickly. The radish veggie soup had been good, as much as Kaeya could taste it, though it hadn’t done much for his aching throat. But it made him feel better, a bit warmer than before.

Lisa was talking to him about something. Something he didn’t completely understand, because sometimes, his brain slurred her words together and he lost the point of what she was telling him about. Something about Jean, something about Albedo and Klee, something about Barbatos and patrols and Razor and probably something everything else that was happening in Mondstadt right now.

It was nice. He like listening, despite not being able to comprehend her words currently, Lisa’s voice was nice. Calming, almost.

He heard the door open and someone more or less stumbling inside before he saw them. The heavy door of the tavern fell closed, the sound vibrating through the room. Kaeya could see how Lisa watched over her shoulder to see who had come inside, and waved when she saw Bennett. That explained the stumbling and uncoordinated footsteps.

Kaeya smiled at the young boy, too. He wanted to wave, but he only managed to lift his hand slightly from the table. For some reason, it felt unbelievably heavy. Bennett didn’t seem to mind. When saw them, a smile appeared on his previously rather concentrated face and waved back at them in their little corner. While doing so, he didn’t watch where he was going, and the next moment, he was stumbling over a chair that was placed just slightly inconvenient. He was about to fall, and the package he was carrying under his arm with him. Luckily for him, Diluc had come around the counter to greet him, to now end up as Bennett’s and the package’s saviour. He stopped them midair and helped Bennett stand up straight again, one hand on the boy’s shoulder.

Kaeya wasn’t sure, his vision bluring at the edges and his head a mess, but he was sure Diluc patted Bennett on the shoulder slightly.

“Be careful”, Diluc said. “Watch where you’re going.” There was no bite behind the words, despite the scolding. He even leaned forward, stroking over Bennetts wrinkled shirt, trying his best to get it smooth.

“Yes, Master Diluc”, Bennett smiled despite the previous situation. His cheeks though were red in embarrassment. “Thank you very much. If you hadn’t caught me, your new glasses might have broken. But I was very careful the whole way here, I promise, I didn’t trip over anything!” He seemed proud of his accomplishment, giving Diluc the package he had been carrying.

Kaeya couldn’t take his eyes off the scene in front of him. Not when Diluc took the box, not when he opened the box with the knife he carried on his belt, and not when he nodded. “Nothing is broken”, Diluc confirmed, placing the box on the bar. “Thank you, Bennett. You were very helpful.” And he said so nicely, with so much kindness, and an actual smile on his face. Diluc hadn’t smiled once since coming back!  At least not when Kaeya had been here.

And Kaeya watched, and Kaeya… didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even know if he could say anything, or if he could breathe, or move, or do anything at all. There was something forming inside of him, like a lump in his throat, but it was so much bigger, and it was growing and it hurt.

Diluc was standing there, smiling at Bennett, like he was his son who had just bought home a good grade, or like he was his little brother who had managed to convince his father that they should go to a restaurant and oh, how it hurt. Everything inside Kaeya hurt, but the most of all, the lump in his chest. It was like he could feel the flower growing, the way it made itself a home inside of him, the way it tried to shatter and ruin his lungs.

But this pain wasn’t the worst of all. His lungs did hurt, of course, more than just a few minutes earlier and more than the previous days, but the worst of all was the feeling.  

The feeling that Diluc smiled for Bennett, the feeling that Diluc was nice to Bennett, the feeling that Diluc saw Bennett as his little brother. It was jealousy, Kaeya knew it, he just didn’t want to say it. He shouldn’t be jealous of Bennett, the boy had it bad enough. He deserved someone who was kind to him, someone who’d be a big brother for him, but why, why did it have to be Diluc?

It was so unfair.

Kaeya didn’t do anything, because he couldn’t, because Bennett deserved someone being nice to him and treating him kindly and also, because he could feel the flower inside of him still, and it made him want to puke. Or rip the flower out of him. Cut himself open, until he could reach his hands inside to finally get this disgusting thing out of his body. Flowers were supposed to be beautiful, Flora’s flowers were always beautiful, so why did his have to be so ugly and full of misery?

Maybe it was because it was him. Because it was Kaeya.

He reached into his pocket just in time to pull out a handkerchief, before the coughing began. It felt even more terrible than earlier, even more intense, and he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything at all.

He realized Lisa moving, standing up from her chair to get next to him, he felt her hand on his back, but he couldn’t register her words as she talked to him. The only thing he knew is that he fucked up – now Lisa would send him to the cathedral, and he’d have people around him worrying and acting like they cared while he knew that they were all just lying, because they didn’t love him, because nobody did–

Kaeya was full on sobbing now, and couldn’t stop even as the coughing finally died down, leaving him with a raw and disgusting feeling,  yet he couldn’t seem to stop. He was breathing so quickly and not at all, it was like the air couldn’t reach his lungs. His heart was racing, but the blood wouldn’t move. His mind was wandering, but he couldn’t catch a coherent thought in the mess. It was too much, and the terrible suffocating feeling only made him want to cry even more.

By the time he managed to acknowledge his surroundings again, Lisa was standing next to him, rubbing slow circles on his back. Bennett was standing in front of him, a worried look on his face as he reached inside his pocket, giving Kaeya a new, fresh but crinkled handkerchief.

Even Diluc had come closer. He was still a few meters away, but he acknowledged Kaeya, with a different expression than anger on his face. It only made Kaeya cry more.

He couldn’t tell how long it took for him to calm down, but by the time he was able to form words again, his eyes were hurting from crying and he could feel the dried tears on his cheeks. “Thanks”, he said, doing his best impression of a smile. “I think I chocked on a piece of radish.”

 “You didn’t choke, Kaeya”, Lisa said. “I’m no healer, but I’m not an idiot, either. You have a cold, definitely, maybe even a fever or something worse, but it’s a real bad cold, based on the way you sound. You should be in bed.”

“But – “, Kaeya tried to protest, wanted to protest, despite the way his bed really was the only place were he wanted to be right now. He wanted to hide under the covers, cry some more, and then die quickly with the comfort of a warm blanket around him. Do his best not to think about what he was feeling, and about what other’s felt about him, and try to ignore Diluc’s eyes on him, that’s all he wanted to do.

“No buts”, Lisa said, stern and serious. “You’re going home now. No more work for you today.” She reached out her hand to help him sit up, which he was eternally grateful for, because had she not, he wouldn’t have been able to move.

“Get some rest, Sir Kaeya”, Bennett said. He also sounded concerned. “Maybe I can find some herbs for your tea, and then we can go and train sword fighting again when you’re better.” Kaeya smiled at him, refraining from telling Bennett that’d probably pick the wrong flower and that also, that they’d never be able to go sword fighting again, so he just answered: “Thank you, Bennett.”

“Can’t even make sure that your knights don’t work while they’re sick, huh?”, Diluc said. He was still standing a few meters away, arms crossed while watching the scene in front of him closely. His voice was cold, and his gaze made Kaeya shiver. It wasn’t the other’s fault, he didn’t want Diluc to blame them. That would be unfair, and mean, and he couldn’t stand the thought of anyone being subjected to Diluc’s anger because of him. He wanted to speak up, tell Diluc that he was the only to be mad at it, that it was only his fault, but he didn’t manage to speak a word. His throat was blocked by another petal.

“Stop it, Diluc. This is not the time for this”, Lisa said. “I’ll go and bring Kaeya home.” She didn’t seem mad when she looked over to Diluc, as far as Kaeya could tell with his brain still a bit fuzzy and sick and overwhelmed, but instead almost disappointed. Diluc didn’t look back at her, instead choosing to get their plates from the table. When he came closer, his jacket brushed Kaeya’s arm, and Kaeya couldn’t help but hold his breath for just a few seconds.

“Think you can get up, Kaeya?”, Lisa asked, stretching her arm in an attempt to help him, but Kaeya stood up himself. He had messed this up enough – she was taking him home, at least not to the cathedral, but home. Because he was too dumb to hold in a few coughs for some time.

“Yes, I’m alright”, he smiled at her, and then at Bennett, who was still watching them closely, seemingly unsure what to do with himself. “No need to worry”, Kaeya said, looking at the younger boy now, too. No need to worry at all.

- - -

Somehow, he managed not to cough on the way to his flat. Lisa left only after making sure he was in bed, in comfortable clothes and cleaned, but Kaeya didn’t want to sleep. By the time she was gone, he was sitting up in his bed again, and grabbing his bag from where he had left it on the floor. He would finish this paperwork now, today, and then he’d bring it to the headquarters tomorrow morning, just throw it in the mailbox quickly, and then he could leave. Leave this world full of pain and misery and tears–

While working, his thoughts drifted off occasionally, and when it wasn’t for him to wake up from a very light sleep every few minutes only to do everything to gather his attention back at the task at hand, he thought about where he would die.

Maybe he could go to Venessa’s tree. It was a beautiful place, really, by the lake. The water would feel nice on his skin, he imagined. Cool and refreshing, vastly different to the clammy feeling that surrounded him. Or he could climb up, should he manage to do so, and listen to the birds sing and watch the crystal flies before it would all be over.

He could go to Starnatch cliff, watch over all off Mondstadt as he went. It was a beautiful view. He could pick flowers on the way up, Cecilias, and act like there wasn’t a flower inside of him. Like flowers were still pretty and beautiful and fragile.

Or he could go to the Statue of the seven by dawn winery, where he and Diluc used to play when there were kids. There was an apple tree, he remembered, he could enjoy the fresh and flavourful sweetness, could sit by the cliff there and watch what was once his home.

Kaeya ended up coughing himself to sleep.

- - -

His sleep was dreamless, but somehow still dark and painful, though he was unsure if it wasn’t just how he was feeling in reality, too. When he woke up the next morning, he felt nothing short of death. He could barely breath, faint coughs rattling through his body every few minutes, but he didn’t muster up the energy to cough up the petals inside of him. He felt weak, and miserable, he couldn’t remember ever feeling worse, if he was honest.

After he had basically succumbed to exhaustion last night, his bed was still scattered with the documents he had finished yesterday. Whatever was written on them, his eyes were unfocused and he  could barely make out the words, was probably of rather poor quality, but he decided that it would have to be fine. He wouldn’t manage to redo his work.

He had no idea how long it took him to actually and completely wake up and get out of bed. The sun shining into the room through the curtains was so bright, and still, he nicked away every few minutes, only to be waken up again by coughs and petals. His bed basically was covered in them, and so he closed the door behind him quickly as he finally managed to leave his bedroom on weak and unsteady feet, not wanting to look at the mess.

Everything that happened that morning was a blur in his head. He didn’t have breakfast, he believed, and only chugged some water before leaving his apartment with the documents in his bag, alongside an apple and a few pictures. He didn’t believe he’d need anything else – if he left the town to die, which he was sure would happen today, there was no reason for him to take anything with him but a small thing to try and keep himself happy.

It wouldn’t work, most likely, but he’d at least try to remember what it was like being happy before this.

The way to the headquarters was even harder than yesterday. The sun was still out, it was almost the same pretty and nice weather as yesterday, but Kaeya didn’t register, didn’t feel any of it. All he could feel was the pain in his lungs, in his throat, whenever he took a breath, the way his head pounded, the way everything hurt.

He hoped death would be freeing. He had never really given much thought if anything would happen after, because he had only thought about the fact that’d he’d be dead and gone and that was enough, but now, he wondered if he’d feel himself dying. If it would be better than this – he desperately hoped so.

By the time he reached the headquarters, his legs felt even weaker, and he barely managed to make more than five steps without stumbling. He pulled put the documents from his bag – his hands were shaking, too. It took him a few tries to insert them into the mailbox.

When he finally got it, he couldn’t help but sit down on one of the stairs. With his head laying in his hands, as he didn’t manage to sit straight purely due to exhaustion, his breathing slowed down a bit, but the painful feeling of the flower didn’t go away. Kaeya barely remembered what it was like to breathed without something in the way, and it almost made him cry again. He cried way too often, he thought. After his breakdown at the tavern yesterday, he couldn’t even stand the thought of crying anymore, and was glad he had fallen asleep due to exhaustion and coughs and not from his cries.

He really needed to leave the city, quickly.

With the help of the wall behind him, he stood up relatively easily. His legs were still wobbly, but somehow, there was enough determination inside of him to keep going. And he stood, and he walked, down the stairs, through the city. His eyes were unfocused, and he concentrated all his attention on walking, continuing to walk, leave this city, not let anyone see him like this.

Kaeya made his way through the alleys, were less people were walking, and even if they were, they were mostly caught up in their tasks. He was pretty sure he looked messy and sick and terrible, but somehow, he seemed to mask it well, because nobody said anything to him. He was glad about that – there was no way he’d be able to talk to someone.

And he was almost outside, too, only the bridge between him and nature, him and death, him and freedom from this terrible, miserable, sickness. Tears were forming in his eyes once again, like all so often by now, but he pulled out his bloodied handkerchief to wipe them away. There was no time, no energy left for crying. Not yet, at least.

“Kaeya?”, someone asked, and Kaeya looked up from where he had been watching his feet to make sure they actually set one in front of another, only to be meet with the person he had least expected.

“Diluc”, he said. His voice was rough and terrible, barely a sound left his mouth, and the tears were back imminently.

- - -

“I was … looking for you. I wanted to talk to you, Kaeya”, Diluc spoke, and Kaeya heard him, understood him, but it was like the words didn’t reach his brain.

It didn’t make sense, what Master Diluc was saying there. Master Diluc never wanted to talk to him. Master Diluc wanted him to be quiet and go away, not cause so much trouble, not be a drunkard. Master Diluc wanted a lot of things from him, but definitely not this.

Kaeya wasn’t aware enough to process this.

“Huh?”, he said, but he wasn’t sure if it wasn’t actually a cough.

“Yes, you know, after yesterday”, Diluc scratched his head, almost like he was nervous, but Kaeya couldn’t tell why. Though, he really couldn’t tell anything about this situation. Everything that was happening was wrong. Maybe it was a dream. Or a hallucination.

“I’m sorry for what I said yesterday, Kaeya. And I’m sorry I didn’t help you home when I realized you were sick”, Diluc said, trying to do something unbelievable. A small smile, an excusing, nervous smile. “You seemed really sick, and I… I should’ve been nicer.”

Now, Kaeya really was sure that he was in fact hallucinating. This just couldn’t be real, Diluc would never say that. He was just thinking, just hoping, that the sickness would go away because they, the people he loved, didn’t actually hate him, but that was dumb. He knew the truth already, so why did his brain have to trick him with this hallucination of a happy, kind situation? It was so mean.

He looked at his shoes again, at the plastered ground of Mondstadt. He couldn’t look Diluc in the eye, not this fake version of Diluc, that tried to convince him that he was sorry and that it wasn’t all Kaeya’s fault and that he didn’t actually hate him, but that everything would be fine, because it wouldn’t be.

This hallucination needed to stop. Kaeya needed to end it, but he didn’t know how.

“Kaeya? Are you okay?”, suddenly, Diluc’s voice sounded so distant. Maybe it was going away, but Kaeya was still looking at the ground, and he didn’t want to look up to confirm. Because maybe, it was still there, and he couldn’t risk seeing it.

The only thing he realized in this moment was that breathing suddenly was a lot harder. Just like yesterday, it felt like he couldn’t breath in deep enough, like the oxygen wouldn’t reach his lungs, like there was a lump in the way, which blocked his airways, but in his case, there really was one. A flower, Diluc’s favourite flower.

“Kaeya?”, it was Diluc again, he noted. Hallucination-Diluc seemed to still be there, and he was talking to him, to Kaeya, still. “You need to breathe, Kaeya. Are you still sick?”, he spoke to Kaeya so careful, Kaeya couldn’t remember such a tone since his childhood, and then he began swearing softly: “Shit, what do I do now? Kaeya, can you hear me?”

And Kaeya nodded, because he did hear Diluc, even though he didn’t want to, he wanted him to go away, he wanted to finally be able to die in peace.

If he couldn’t make the hallucination go away, maybe he needed to go away. Yes, maybe that would work. He just needed to, needed to breathe, the last few breaths before it’d finally stop, and then he needed to move.

The first move, lifting his hand, which he remembered once being simple and automatic, was the hardest. But he did it either way, wiping over his uncovered eye, because there was an uncomfortable wetness spreading over his cheeks. He had cried again, of course, and how blurry his eyes were when he blinked and finally tried to take in his surroundings, the hallucination of Diluc, with a look that seemed to resemble worry, right in front of him. Worry, really, that was just– If he had to look at Diluc a second longer, the crying would get worse, he was sure of it.

Kaeya concentrated everything in his body, every thought, to finally get away from the hallucination. The gate of the city wasn’t far, and he made it there almost without swaying. He was walking fast, as fast as he could while breathing was still hard and while he lost his balance just slightly every few steps, but the hallucination–

The hallucination seemed to be following him.

“Kaeya? What’s going on? Talk to me, please!”, the steps were close behind him, and the tears were back, or maybe they were never really gone? They made walking a bit harder, because through the blur he could see even less, but he didn’t back down. He walked, and tried his best to wipe the tears with his already wet sleeve. Half of his steps were stumbling at this point, but he wouldn’t back down, he couldn’t. He needed to get out of this hallucination, this wishful thinking, this mean move from his mind against himself.

“I know I’ve been an asshole, but please, don’t run away from me! You’re still sick, and I’ll leave you alone if you want me to, but please, just say something!”

Kaeya was almost across the bridge, and he was so, so done. He lifted his hands, tried to cover his ears, but the steps behind him wouldn’t slow down, and he doubted he could go any faster. Why did his mind have to do this? Why did it need to hurt him like this? Wasn’t he already hurt enough?

His eyes were still blurry, and they hurt from all the tears, and that was probably why he didn’t realize the stone laying on the way. It was a small one, but enough to stumble, and he was too weak to catch himself anymore. He just fell, on the dirt covered ground, one hand on the grass and one on the uncomfortable gravel of the road.

There was no strength left inside of him to get up anymore. Kaeya tried, either way, but it didn’t work. Nothing seemed to work anymore – he couldn’t even get away from his own mind anymore. All he could do was cry, and cough, and feel pain.

“Kaeya, shit, what happened?”, Diluc was still there, even now, sitting pathetically on the ground, he couldn’t get away from the hallucination. Why was his mind so set on hurting him, wasn’t it enough already? The thought made him cough especially terrible.

There were hands grabbing his shoulders, helping him sit, and he tried to shake them off, but it didn’t work. They seemed to be strong, and determined in their tasks, and Kaeya wondered if someone had wandered by and taken pity at his stage by the side of the road.

“What’s going on Kaeya? I… What should I do?”, Diluc asked. Kaeya didn’t look up, or say anything, it was no use. He’d die here, now, with the coughs and the pain and while he had hoped for a prettier death, with a nicer view, and not a hallucination of what he could’ve had if he didn’t fuck up everything, it didn’t matter now.

Hopefully, he’d die quickly. He already felt dead, or at least close to it, so it couldn’t take much longer, right?

“You need to get to a doctor, Kaeya”, Diluc sounded worried, still, but there was something else. He reminded Kaeya of himself, when he had tried to speak normally after he had been coughing in the tavern. “I don’t know what’s wrong, but you’re not okay. I can’t… I can’t have you die here, okay?” How much longer until his mind would be weak enough to stop supplement the hallucination? Kaeya could barely realize what it was saying. In between the coughs, though there wasn’t much in between, he manage to make out the words, but they didn’t make any sense. Why couldn’t Diluc have him die here? Was he at the wrong place?

“Please, Kaeya, stay with me”, the hands on his shoulders, which he had almost forgotten, gripped him tighter. “I’ll get someone, and you’ll be fine again, and then… then I’ll tell you all my apologies, Kaeya. Because I’ve been terrible, I know it, and I miss you so much and I just want my little brother back… Please, Kaeya, don’t leave me here!”

It was so mean. His mind was so mean, and so unfair, and Kaeya cried louder at Master Diluc’s words, and then he coughed. There was something stuck inside his throat, something big, something that he couldn’t cough out. It was bigger than the petals, Kaeya realized, which were basically spilling out of him now.

He realized to late that it was the flower. The flower reached his throat, and he gagged. The feeling was disgusting, terrible disgusting and he hadn’t thought it was possible, but he felt even more miserable than the past few days.

Kaeya couldn’t breathe anymore. He couldn’t do anything anymore. He leaned back into the arms holding him, as he didn’t manage to stay upright. Everything was so hard, so painful, and this was the only thing he could do. He managed to grasp a piece of fabric, fluffy and weirdly soft in his hands, and he held onto it as a took a painful, rattling breath.

A drop of water hit his face. It made him open his eyes, just slightly, he could barely see through the tears still in his eyes, but he could make out the silhouette of a man with bright red hair. Crepus. Diluc. Another droplet fell down, and he managed to comprehend that it was tear. Diluc’s tear. Diluc cried for him.

“Please don’t leave me, Kaeya. I love you.”

His eyes fell closed again, and he held on tight to the fabric, as the flower stopped Kaeya from taking another breath.

Chapter Text

“Kaeya, shit, what happened?”, Diluc said, falling onto his knees next to Kaeya, who had collapsed on the ground next to the bridge in front of Mondstadt, one hand on the soft grass and one on the gravel. Something was wrong with him, more so than yesterday, but he didn’t know what, and he didn’t know what to do, either. He had just gotten the strength to apologize for being really, an asshole, yesterday, and now Kaeya was running from him before just – falling over. Why had he even gone outside in this state? Whatever kind of illness this was, it would surely be better to just stay inside and take some herbs or call a healer from the cathedral.

But now, here he was. On the ground just outside the city, with what seemed to be a delirious Kaeya, and he didn’t know what to do. Of course, Diluc knew how to care for wounds and what medicine to give for a cold, but he didn’t know how to heal or treat an illness like this. And also, he really didn’t know how to deal with his and Kaeya’s history. He had to do something, though.

Kaeya leaned over, and before he landed face down on the ground, Diluc grabbed the younger’s shoulders, helping him into a sitting position, despite Kaeya’s weak attempts at shaking him off. “What’s going on, Kaeya? I… What should I do?”, Diluc asked, even though he was aware that he would most likely not get an answer. Kaeya just blinked at him, not saying a word. He really did seem to be delirious or hallucinating. He didn’t even really look at Diluc, seemingly staring into nothingness.

He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. “You need to get to a doctor, Kaeya”, Diluc said, unsure if Kaeya even heard him. He seemed half asleep, or half dead, though Diluc tried his best to avoid that thought. “I don’t know what’s wrong, but you’re not okay. I can’t… I can’t have you die here, okay?” That thought came awfully quick, Diluc knew, but he couldn’t help but think of father, who he had once held in the same position. And he couldn’t let that happen to Kaeya – what would father think of him? He had already failed as Kaeya’s brother, he couldn’t fail even more.

Was Kaeya his brother? Diluc wasn’t sure. He wanted Kaeya to be, that was out of the question, despite how he had ruined it all years ago. But maybe Kaeya didn’t want to be his brother. Diluc would understand that, because despite disliking the thought, he had ruined it between them once already. He had been angry and sad and that was just a terrible combination – and so, he had broken everything between them. When he thought back to what he did in those emotionally charged nights, he really wanted to slap some sense into his younger self. How could he do any of that to Kaeya, the most important person in his life? Diluc had been a terrible brother, an idiotic asshole, rude and mean and even going as far as telling Kaeya that they weren’t brothers anymore, the same night as father died before disappearing for three years, leaving Kaeya all alone.

He wished Kaeya was his brother and he had wanted to tell him that, as well as his apologies, but he had never managed to say the words. He had never been particularly good at talking, especially after father’s death. Even more so, though, when Kaeya was around. It was like all the words had been stuck in his throat.

Now though, at the sight of his brother in his arms, they all bubbled to the surface. “Please, Kaeya, stay with me”, he whispered. Kaeya coughed, and Diluc helped him into a straighter position, to make the coughing easier on his lungs. Only then could he see the silent tears running down Kaeya’s cheeks. Diluc swallowed, before pulling Kaeya closer to him, blinking away the tears gathering in his own eyes. “I’ll get someone, and you’ll be fine again, and then… then I’ll tell you all my apologies, Kaeya. Because I’ve been terrible, I know it, and I miss you so much and I just want my little brother back… Please, Kaeya, don’t leave me here!”

He needed Kaeya to be okay. He didn’t know how to go without Kaeya, without seeing him sit by the bar at the Angel’s share, without seeing Kaeya watching over Klee while taking a walk through the forest, without Kaeya bothering him about being the dark knight.

He needed Kaeya. He needed his brother.

This was all his fault. Because he couldn’t tell Kaeya how important his younger brother still was to him, because he could only show that he still cared through mean words and sending him home after drinking too much. Why had he not noticed, that Kaeya was this sick? He was supposed to be the older brother, the one to take care of Kaeya.

He gathered Kaeya in his arms, doing his best to stop himself from shaking. He couldn’t drop Kaeya, he had to be strong. He needed to… he needed to get a healer. He needed to get Kaeya to the cathedral, to get Barbara, so that she could heal him and he could finally tell Kaeya that they were brothers and that he loved him and had never stopped.

Diluc stood up, trying his best to gather himself, before starting to walk towards the bridge. It wasn’t far, he could do this. And then Kaeya would be healed, and Diluc could apologize and they’d get… better. Maybe not okay, but better. He’d make sure of that.

That was the moment when Kaeya started gagging. Diluc stocked in his movements, panicking. What did he do now? Was this his fault also? Did he move to quick and something had gotten caught in Kaeya’s throat? He needed to think straight, find a solution, but it was so hard to think clearly when his eyes were teary and he could barely see ahead. Before he could wipe the tears away, one fell onto Kaeya’s face, who blinked up at him slowly.

“Please don’t leave me, Kaeya. I love you”, Diluc whispered, standing with Kaeya pressed tightly to his chest. He felt so fragile, like he could break if Diluc held him just a bit too harsh. So, as careful and as quick as he could, he carried Kaeya back to Mondstadt, trying not to think too much about Kaeya’s closed eyes and rare, rattling breaths.

Diluc needed to save his brother.

- - -

It was warm. So, so warm and soft all around him. Kaeya never wanted to open his eyes, they were too heavy for that anyways, and instead just stay here, wherever here might be. It felt like how he had thought it would be like to live on a cloud.

Back when he was a child, many, many years ago, father had read him and Diluc stories about people living in the clouds, directly under the sun, always warm and cuddled in soft cotton. Maybe Kaeya was on a cloud, he didn’t think he would mind. This comfortable feeling was way too good to pass up, he couldn’t imagine the last time he had felt so lovely.

Of course, if he thought to hard, if he pressed his eyes close too tightly, he could slowly start hearing the whispers in the background, or realize the scratch in his throat, but if he just snuggled deeper into the warmth and sighed softly, it all went away.

So that’s what he did. Maybe he deserved some soft clouds every once in a while.

- - -

The next time Kaeya realised that there was a world around him, he was still huddled into the soft clouds, though they didn’t really feel like clouds anymore. Instead, they seemed to be blankets, thick and heavy above him, protecting him from the reality. It reminded him off when he was younger, playing hiding with Diluc under the blankets of the winery on a cold winter morning, until Adelinde would come in and call them downstairs for pancakes, which would be packed with syrup and fruit, and then he’d have a wonderful morning with Diluc and father and –

When Kaeya had moved out, he had never been able to find blankets as nice as those that belonged to the winery. He couldn’t remember when he had least been this warm, no, he could, but he just… he didn’t want to.

This time, though he was warm. It wasn’t as good as it was back then, because he was sweaty and his skin felt clammy, and even though his eyes were closed it was uncomfortably bright, but it came close. He blinked, slowly, imminently being hit with direct sunlight. The only thing he could make out was some red next to him, maybe a pillow or folded blanket. He wanted to say it reminded him of Crepus, but that thought caused him to feel the scratch in his throat again, and he closed his eyes.

He didn’t want to be real again just yet. He wanted more softness, more quiet, more warmth. It was a bit selfish, but this was much more comfortable than he had been in days, months, maybe years. And here, in this weird dream or hallucination or whatever it seemed to be, it was nice. He’d stay a bit longer, not like it’d bother anyone.

Kaeya pulled the fabric up higher, right under his nose, and took a deep breath. It didn’t take him long to fall asleep again, curled up tightly.

- - -

He woke up to a slight breeze brushing through his hair. It was cool and smelled fresh, like on an early morning. When he tried to escape the wind, though, by trying to huddle under the blanket again, it felt uncomfortably damp. His skin was clammy and he imagined a nice, hot soak in the bath before falling into fresh sheets.

But, here Kaeya was, stuck under sweaty blankets. He had not much left to do but blink into the light, sun rays imminently meeting his sight. The surroundings felt familiar, but he could not figure out in what way. Instead, he blinked up to the wooden ceiling, eyes slowly getting used to the light. When he moved his head, he could see an open window. The sky was light blue, without a single sight of clouds. It was a bit like in his childhood bedroom, he supposed, but that seemed rather unlikely. Diluc would never allow him to come back there. He was allowed to come with the excuse of business to greet Adelinde and Elzar from time to time, but nothing more. The winery belonged to Diluc, as did Kaeya’s childhood.

The window shutters rattled in the wind.  Where his body wasn’t hidden under the blanket anymore, he felt himself shiver.

Kaeya sniffled, fingers gripping onto the blanket as his eyes slipped close once more. He felt weird – like he was still living in a dream, not completely back in the world around him yet. He yawned. Somehow, this seemed pretty real. He could feel the damp blanket, the wind, and the way his throat hurt. It felt raw and painful whenever he took a breath too harsh or swallowed. Why was that? He didn’t know. It was like his mind was empty, cleared out and swept with a broom, and it took some time before he realized that his senses and thoughts were coming back slowly. Why were they gone in the first place? What was going on, was there something wrong with him?

As he could feel more and more of the world around him again, Kaeya realized there was something else wrong, too.

Wasn’t he dead?

He didn’t know what being dead felt like, but he hadn’t imagined it to be so warm and yet so painful. He had wondered what death would be like before, but had rather imagined it to be empty. Or for him to be just gone. But he felt very much like he did when he was alive, just as living and miserable. Why was he so alive? Why did his throat still hurt, coughed raw? Why was he even breathing?

Kaeya blinked. The sun was still shining, and the shutters were still moving in the wind, and he was still uncomfortable. The whole situation didn’t seem to be right. Was this death? He had to be dead, he was supposed to be dead, it didn’t make any sense. He opened his eyes again and once more closed them imminently. This time though for a different reason.

There was someone sitting by the bed he was laying in.

When he opened his eyes again, he could make out bright red hair, very messily sprawled all over the person it belonged too, who had taken a seat in an rather small looking arm chair right next to him. They were hugging their legs with their head placed on their knees, which would surely make an imprint on the person’s cheek, but their eyes were closed and they were snoring very quietly. And while Kaeya very much still wasn’t thinking completely clear, his head cloudy and tired, he couldn’t think of anyone but Diluc and father having such a hair colour. But the facial features were still young, without wrinkles like Crepus had had them, so was this Diluc? Why would Diluc have chosen to cram himself into that chair to sleep? Why would Diluc be here?

This was too much for him. He was still cold, and his hair felt just a tad too greasy for it to be comfortable, the blanket wasn’t made of those soft clouds anymore. Kaeya didn’t like it.

Maybe Kaeya really was dead. Or dreaming, or hallucinating, or… he didn’t know. Instead he coughed, but unlike before, it felt surprisingly freeing. Normal. Like he had a cold like any other. Like there wasn’t a flower inside of him anymore. But how was that possible? He should’ve died, he had been so close – so damn close. Why was he here, why was he alive, why was the flower gone?

The door creaked, and Kaeya looked up. Inside the doorway stood Adelinde. She was wearing her usual uniform, and carrying a tablet with what looked like cups on it, but her hair wasn’t as orderly as usual and she had dark circles under her eyes. But still, a soft smile spread over her face as she blinked at him. “Master Kaeya”, her voice was quiet, as were her steps as she moved to his bedside. Her hands were cool and nice on his clammy skin, as she moved to cup his face. “I’m so glad to have you back with us, Master Kaeya.”

Kaeya couldn’t do much but stare. What was Adelinde doing? Was he actually at the winery, and it wasn’t just a feeling? Was he home?

Adelinde sat down on the side of the mattress, running her fingers through his hair. The look in her eyes was the same as it had been when he was younger. “Can you talk, Kaeya?”, she asked.

“Adelinde”, Kaeya whispered, voice hoarse and quiet. “Where am I?”

She smiled. “You’re in the winery. We had you placed in the cathedral originally, but when your vitals were stable, Miss Barbara allowed us to relocate you. Though I believe she mainly did it out of concern for Master Diluc, as he did not get any proper rest with you there. I hadn’t seem him as decomposed as then for years.” Adelinde chuckled, though she did not look amused. “How are you feeling now?”

“Cold”, he answered, voice low. “Dirty.”

“You are in need of a bath, I believe”, Adelinde answered. “And while you’re warming up there, I can turn on the fire here and get some fresh sheets for you, how about that?”

Kaeya just nodded, not knowing what else to answer. Also, his throat did hurt when he swallowed, so staying quiet was just more comfortable.

“But take a sip first”, Adelinde had one of the tea cups in her hand. “It’s warm and will be good for your throat, especially with how long you’ve been unconscious.”

He let the head maid help him take small, controlled sips of the warm tea. It tasted sweet and of herbs, way better than those he had at home. “I’ve been unconscious?”, he asked, after Adelinde had set the cup back down.

She nodded. “For almost a week now. I’m really glad to see you with me again. I’m sure the other’s are too, we’ve all been very worried.” We?, Kaeya wanted to ask. Who was we? Maybe Adelinde and Elzer? But we seemed to be an awfully big word for two people.

“But for now, let’s concentrate on getting you comfortable again”, Adelinde stood up. “I will run you a bath, and then you can get all warm and clean. I’ll be right back, okay?”

Kaeya just nodded while Adelinde was already on her way out the door. She was talking to him like she had back when he had been a child, but he was still sick and very much not feeling the strongest, so it was fine. It was just… a lot. The winery, Adelinde, the person, who he was now very much sure was Diluc, sleeping cramped up on a chair next to his bed and the flower just being gone. He could still feel the remains, his hoarse voice and sore throat were constant reminders, but there was no more coughing, no more petals. It was just gone.

It all seemed a bit like a dream.

Adelinde had mentioned Diluc not getting proper rest with Kaeya being sick, but he almost couldn’t believe her. Why would Diluc be distraught because of that, because of Kaeya? He was just that, after all. Just Kaeya.

And Diluc didn’t like Kaeya. In fact, Diluc hated him.

But in fact Kaeya was supposed to be dead, and here he was, alive and not yet well, but better. It was weird, really. He didn’t understand it yet.

The door opened, and Adelinde hushed back inside on light feet. “Your bath is ready. Let’s try to be quiet while walking over, I would prefer to not wake up Master Diluc. He really does need some sleep.” Kaeya nodded, letting her help him out of bed and the few metres to the small bathroom next door. It felt a lot further, with how weak he actually was, the week he had been unconscious was very noticeable in that way.

In the bathroom, Adelinde let him undress himself, instead choosing to put on the fireplace in the bedroom and change the sheets. She really was wonderful, Kaeya had missed her so much. She had been the closest resemblance of a mother he had ever had.

The water was warm when he sank down into the tub. With bubbles and sunsettia scented soap, he felt transported years back, just like he had in the bedroom. It was his childhood bedroom, he remembered. The wallpaper was still the same, as were the curtains. He had thought Diluc would’ve thrown it away, but instead, it was almost how he left it when he moved out. Weird.

Adelinde came back inside soon after, helping a tired Kaeya wash his hair and out of the tub, into some comfortable clothing. When Kaeya realized who it belonged to, he swallowed, but Adelinde was working as quick and thorough as always, and he didn’t get any time to voice his concerns.

After also drying his hair, they walked back over. The room had warmed up nicely, with a fire going and the window closed now. When Kaeya sank down into the thick, fresh sheets, he imminently wanted to fall asleep. It had always been the most comfortable here, way more so than in his current home.

He yawned, pulling the covers over him. A bit more sleep wouldn’t hurt, right?  Not when it was this warm all around him. “Sleep a bit more”, Adelinde said as well. “You can eat when you wake up again, and I’ll notify Miss Barbara so she can take a look at your condition.”

Kaeya nodded. Only then he noticed that the chair, now placed in the corner of the room, was empty. “Where did he go?”, he asked, pointing at the chair.

“Oh, Master Diluc woke up while I made the bed”, Adelinde didn’t lose her smile while talking. “He said that if you’re fine, he could go catch up on some work. I believe he’s just a bit nervous about everything, as you know, he’s not the best with words.” That much was true. “I believe he’ll talk to your later. Just a few days ago he told me that there was a lot he needed to say.”

Diluc needed to talk to him? But about what? The worrying made Kaeya fist the blanket, pulling it tight around his hands.

“Don’t worry about it, Master Kaeya. Both of you do that”, Adelinde’s fingers were once again threading through his hair. “Sleep a bit more. That’ll help.”

It was wonderfully easy to fall asleep in the softest blankets in all of Teyvat.

- - -

The next time Kaeya woke up, it was late afternoon. The sun didn’t shine into the room anymore, but the sky was just as bright as it had been in the morning. He didn’t want to get up yet, so he just sat in bed, watching the way the trees moved in the wind. It was nice, to see nature again when he looked outside, and not the streets of Mondstadt. Not to say that he disliked those, but this was special.

The tea that was still standing on the nightstand was cold by now, but Kaeya drank it anyways, not wanting to get up and ask Adelinde for a new cup. His legs still felt weak, like if he’d try to walk down the stairs he’d surely get dizzy, even though he didn’t like to admit it.

But he didn’t need to wait very long, as Adelinde peaked her head inside a few minutes later. “Ah, Master Kaeya, you woke up again”, she asked, opening the door completely and stepping inside. Behind her, someone followed. It was Barbara, her blonde hair bouncing as she walked. Her hydro vision glimmered in the light from outside. “How are you feeling now?”, Adelinde asked.

“A bit better”, Kaeya said, trying a smile. “Hello, Barbara.”

“Hello, Sir Kaeya!”, the young nun answered.

“Miss Barbara was nice enough to come over to check your condition, now that you’ve woken up”, Adelinde mentioned.

“We’re all glad that you’re feeling better”, Barbara said. “I’m also supposed to give you greetings from Sister Rosaria, she mentioned that you must hurry up with getting better, as she now has no one to sit with in the Tavern.”

Kaeya chuckled at her words. It was really nice of Rosaria to think of him – everyone was aware that the nun had a hard time showing affection, so he was glad to hear something resembling that she was missing him. “Please tell her thanks”, he said.

“Of course”, Barbara said. “Now, let me take a look at you.” The check-up didn’t take too long – she gave him some herbs against the fever he still had as well as ordered him to drink lots of warm tea for his throat. He was supposed to start eating and moving more the next few days, though Barbara had mentioned to do so slowly many times, and at least three more weeks before going back to work. “For his own safety”, she had said.

“I will make sure he listens”, Adelinde had reassured her. “We’re really glad to have you doing better, Kaeya. You don’t know how worried everyone was once the message of your illness had reached the citizens of Mondstand. Elzar was white as chalk when he got the message.” Kaeya swallowed at the imagery of that sight. “Especially as no one knew what exactly was wrong.”

Her tone made Kaeya feel a bit bad. Had they really been so worried about him? He almost couldn’t imagine it. Why for him? He was just Kaeya, he was nobody special, he went to work and he went to the tavern and he went home. Nobody needed to worry for him, that’s why he had told nobody, that’s why he had tried to disappear and to just let himself die. Because it’d be better for everyone.

Adelinde’s thumb was caressing his hand. Suddenly, death didn’t seem that good anymore. It was still a lingering thought, a resort that he could go to if nothing else went right, but at sight of Adelinde’s smile and at her comfort, it seemed like … someone might actually miss him, if he were to die right now.

“Of course”, Barbara added to Adelinde’s words. “I couldn’t remember the last time we had as many people want to visit the infirmary as when you were unconscious. I had to send most of them away, though. Your condition wasn’t stable enough.”

Kaeya didn’t find the words to answer her. All he could was nod, and stare the blanket. His feet were getting very warm under it.

“Lisa is looking into what you had, by the way”, Barbara informed him. “I could only see that there had been a blockage, though it was gone by the time I took a look. Your throat is still scratched and irritated, that’s why it hurts – but that’ll take another week or so to heal.”

“That’s nice of her”, was all Kaeya could say. It was the truth. It was nice of Lisa to try and help, though he wasn’t sure he wanted anyone to know. He had kept the secret so well. Nobody should know that he had almost died because he was unloved. Though, now that he thought about it, why did the flower just disappear? That shouldn’t be possible, if he remembered the book correctly. Maybe he had coughed it out? Could that be? It seemed unlikely…

“Well, aren’t you distracted today?”, Adelinde’s soft laugh got him back into reality, and he could feel his cheeks heating up. “Not that I mind.”

“I think I’ll better get going then”, Barbara said. “I’ll be back tomorrow or the day after to check on his condition again. If it worsens, contact me or another healer immediately. We don’t want to take unnecessary risks.”

“Of course”, Adelinde answered. “I will bring you to the door. Would you like another tea, Kaeya? I’m walking past the kitchen anyways.”

Kaeya nodded. “That’d be nice, thank you. And you as well, Barbara. Thank you for helping me so well.” The young girl smiled at him, going a bit red at the compliment, before she and Adelinde left the room, to leave Kaeya alone with his thoughts.

He laid back down into the soft pillows, but his head wouldn’t shut up, his thoughts travelling back to the fact that the flower just disappeared. Was that possible? How so, even? He had read the chapter about the illness. He’d die from unrequited love, without a cure. And no matter how he turned the circumstances, there had been no hope for him.

But still, he wasn’t dead.

Instead, he was laying in his childhood bedroom, a place he’d never thought he’d see again, and was getting better. Adelinde had even told him that other’s had cared, and Barbara mentioned that they’d tried to visit. That didn’t seem very real, but he doubted that Barbara would lie. It didn’t seem like something that Barbatos would approve her for.

“Here’s your tea”, Adelinde stepped back inside, bringing a new cup with her, alongside some vegetables and crackers. “I also bought something light for dinner, so that you can get some energy again.”

“Thank you”, Kaeya answered, sitting up again and letting her place the plate on his lap. “I appreciate it.”

“Of course you do, dear. I will have to go back downstairs to prepare dinner for the others, so in case you’re not awake when I come to check on you later, I wish you an early good night”, she tucked a lose strand of hair behinds his ear, before walking towards the door again. “Good night, Kaeya. We love you.”

Kaeya felt like one the crackers was stuck in his throat at those words, even though he had even started eating yet. “Good night”, he croaked, and Adelinde closed the door behind her with a last smile.

Someone loved him?

- - -

By the time he wasn’t hungry anymore, Kaeya had finished all of the vegetables, which were pepper and cucumber as well as most of the crackers, the sun was already going down and the sky had the colour of a very pretty purple. It didn’t take him long to fall asleep, despite having way too much to think about, but way before Adelinde would peak her head inside again, his eyes had closed and his breathing evened out.

That night, Kaeya dreamt of his childhood. He didn’t remember the last time that happened, it had been mostly nightmares leading up to his almost death. But this time, it was just nice. This time, it was just him and Diluc collecting shells by the beach, with Crepus watching them and Adelinde offering them a nice home cooked meal when they came back.

It ended with them falling asleep on the couch while Crepus was reading a story, and Kaeya could almost hear his voice: “We love you.”

- - -

It was still rather dark when Kaeya woke up. The sky was still dark and he could barely see his hand in front of his eyes. He yawned, pulling the blanket up higher. Archons, how he had missed the winery. The blankets here were the best, as was the view. Mondstadt just couldn’t beat grapes and nature. And of course everyone who worked here – having Adelinde and Elzar and all the others around just made life much more enjoyable.

Kaeya smiled to himself, enjoying the warmth for a few more minutes. He wouldn’t mind falling back asleep, but it seemed his body had had enough and didn’t want to do so. So instead, Kaeya blinked into the nothingness.

Outside of the window, the moon was shining. It was almost full, but not quite. Still, it let a significant amount of light into the room – enough for Kaeya to see the figure sitting on the chair in the corner. He sat up immediately. His first thought was a monster, which was admittable rather irrational, something he noticed just a moment later. How was a monster even supposed to come inside? And while the thought of an abyss herald or similar was rather scary, Kaeya seriously doubted he’d find them sleeping on an uncomfortable chair.

When he had caught himself again he realised who it actually was rather easily, there was just no way to mistake the bright red hair for anyone else.

Diluc was sleeping in his room.

Now, despite Kaeya rustling in shook, Diluc still seemed to be asleep, which gave him enough time to think about, well, this. He didn’t even know how many questions he had, it were simply to many. What was Diluc doing here? Why was he sleeping here? Why did he sleep in that position? If Adelinde saw, she wouldn’t be very happy and probably get worried about him hurting his back. Why did he sleep at all in Kaeya’s room?

Kaeya was aware that Diluc didn’t trust him, not after he had told him about his heritage, and so he didn’t want to blame Diluc for trying to protect his winery, but really, sleeping? That was not very safe. If Kaeya actually had malicious thoughts, he could’ve surely acted on them by now.

It didn’t make any sense. Though, if Kaeya thought about it more in depth, many things about yesterday and today didn’t make sense. Like him waking up, like the flower being gone, like him being in the winery and like Adelinde telling him that he was loved. And now, Diluc sleeping in the corner of his room.

He didn’t know what to say about it all.

And just like that, he didn’t say anything. Instead he sat up in his bed, blanket still wrapped around him. He listened to Diluc’s calm breath and watched the moon wander over the sky, as well as the first sun rays meeting his eye while the sky turned into a beautiful orange colour. Like this, when he pretended everything was okay, life was almost enjoyable.

But reality came back far too soon. Another few minutes later, the sun meet Diluc’s face, which immediately startled him awake. Diluc had always been easy to wake up, but today he seemed rather disoriented. His hair was unusually messy and his clothes wrinkled. In the sun, Kaeya could even make out dark eyes rings, easily noticeable on Diluc’s fair skin.

When Diluc noticed Kaeya watching him, he did nothing for a moment. He just stared, before twitching in what seemed to be a late reaction.

It took both of them a moment to get used to the situation. Diluc was the first to move. “Sorry”, he said, quietly, while moving to untangle his limbs. “I didn’t mean to bother you. I better get going, I’m sorry–”

“Wait”, Kaeya said.

Diluc stood still.

“Why did you bring me here”, Kaeya asked, “if you’re not even talking to me?” He was afraid of the answer, but he needed to know. He couldn’t go on just questioning anything and everything anymore.

“It’s my fault”, Diluc said, quietly while watching the ground. His hands were balled into tight fists. “I didn’t know that you were ill and when I noticed that you weren’t doing well, I just acted like I didn’t care. And I blamed you for father’s death and I called you a traitor and ruined us. As brothers, I mean. And when I found you ill in front of Mondstadt, I just… I didn’t know what to do. The idea of you dying, it felt like when father did. I needed to know that you’d be fine again, even if I know you probably never want to talk to me again.” He took a deep breath. “I can bring you back, if you want me too. Or I can give you free wine for the rest of your life, or whatever else you need, anything. Because I’m so, so sorry.”

Kaeya didn’t know what to answer to that.

“And that’s a terrible apology, I know, but whatever I can do to make it okay, or just better, please tell me.”

Kaeya could only look, mouth agape. What had he just heard?  He wanted to say something, but he didn’t know what. What had he expected? That Diluc felt guilty, maybe, or that it was just for Adelinde, but not this, never this. Not a real, heartfelt apology, that left Diluc standing in the middle of the room nervously, wiping tears out of the corner of his eye.

At first, Diluc had allowed him in the winery, even bought him back here himself, and now he even got an apology. The whole situation seemed like a dream. A hallucination.

“Can you come a bit closer?”, Kaeya asked, and Diluc did take a few steps closer to the bed, standing there a bit confused.

Kaeya reached out, pinching the skin on Diluc’s hand. “Ow”, Diluc said, flinching slightly, but not pulling away.

“You’re real”, Kaeya whispered, setting his hand back onto the warm blanket. The sheets felt the same way under his fingertips as they had when he was younger.

And Diluc nodded. “I am”, and then, “I mean it, Kaeya. I’m really sorry. I don’t know why I acted the way I did, but just like, if you want, you don’t have too, but you can be… you can be my brother. You’re my brother. If you’d like to be.”

Kaeya couldn’t answer, still. It felt like a dream, too good to be true. But Diluc was real, standing in front of him. He could see him, talk to him, touch him. And Kaeya wasn’t dead.

“We’re brothers?”, he asked, almost whispering.

“Yes”, Diluc answered. “Brothers. Family. Father always said we’re family, Kaeya, and I will never forgive myself for making you feel like you aren’t.” He looked confident, but the nervous twiddling with his fingers didn’t go unnoticed by Kaeya, though his focus was somewhere different.

Diluc had called them brothers, family, and he had apologized. He had told Kaeya he loved him – Diluc, the one he had yearned for so long, yearned to be in each other’s life again, loved him. He felt the tear leave his eye, but before he could do anything, Diluc had grabbed a handkerchief from the nightstand, wiping it away. Kaeya could only stare. He couldn’t remember the last time Diluc had shown him affection before today. It must’ve been long ago, but he once more realized how much he missed it. How much he had missed Diluc.

“Okay”, Kaeya said, trying a smile. “We’re brothers.”

Only a moment later, Kaeya felt a sensation he had long forgotten: Diluc’s arms around him. He held on tight, not ever wanting to let go. This was so much better than he’d imagined, and he’d imagined a lot. But he had never allowed himself to think of apologies and hugs. It was usually just a quiet evening in the tavern, with Diluc not kicking him out, or dinner with Adelinde, or Diluc ignoring him instead of making his usual snide comments.

But now, Diluc was hugging him, really, basically laying on top of him. Kaeya couldn’t hold back as he started laughing, crying happy tears for the first time in days, months, years. They were rolling down his face, probably wetting Diluc’s shirt, but the other didn’t seem to care. He held Kaeya tightly, like he never wanted to let go of him.

Kaeya thought about asking what had happened that day, how Diluc had found him, how and why he was alive, but he couldn’t bring himself to let go off Diluc, either. Instead, he pulled his brother tighter, unable to do anything but hold him.

It felt like perfection.

- - -

Over the time of the following days, Kaeya got better. In many ways. His fever was gone by the third day, and Adelinde finally stopped only feeding him soup. His throat still wasn’t feeling great, but it was significantly better.

His relationship with Diluc also improved. It was quiet, but it was something. Diluc still wasn’t great at talking, but Kaeya saw how he tried. And trying was enough for him. Because Diluc didn’t hate him. Sometimes those thoughts, that made him try to believe that he had just annoyed his way back into Diluc’s life came back, but whenever he had work to do, his brother now decided to do said work in Kaeya’s room, just so that Kaeya would have company. It was nice, while Kaeya read his way through the new books accumulated in the winery’s small library, Diluc said on the desk in the corner, looking through financial reports and summaries of exports. They had even started eating dinner together, though this was mostly due to Adelinde’s persuasion.

Life seemed enjoyable.

- - -

On the afternoon of the fourth day of Kaeya’s recovery, Adelinde seemed to have enough of the two holed up in Kaeya’s childhood bedroom, very adamantly talking to Diluc about them needing fresh air. And so, she sent them  outside to the balcony, with a cup of grape juice for Diluc and a some tea for Kaeya.

The weather was nice. It had rained the previous day, but now the sky was light blue and with very little clouds once more. In the sun, it was enjoyable even without a jacket, though one of the maids had given them blankets just in case.

It was nice. Sometimes, Kaeya would sneak looks at Diluc, just to make sure he was still there. He always was, but Kaeya didn’t find it in him to stop the staring. He couldn’t. What if he woke up and Diluc was gone and it just went back to the way it was before? What if the flower came back? He didn’t want to think of these things, but he also couldn’t seem to stop.

“You’re staring at me”, Diluc said, which made Kaeya look up. Diluc had put the cup aside, and was instead watching Kaeya as well.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean too.”

“It’s fine”, Diluc said. He opened his mouth again, but didn’t say anything, before he looked away.

Kaeya waited a moment before asking: “What’s wrong?”

Another moment, before Diluc finally started speaking. “There was a messenger from the knights that came by early this morning, who said that Lisa and Jean would visit later.” That was rather nice of them, Kaeya thought. Especially Jean, who was usually so stuck up in her work that she was the first to come in the morning and last to leave in the evening. Even worse than himself. So to hear that she’d leave her desk to come see how he was felt like an honour. “Lisa also send something along”, Diluc continued. “She said that she was pretty sure she figured out the illness you were having, and sent me a book to read about it.”

Oh, no. That shouldn’t be. That wasn’t planned. Kaeya didn’t want that. Nobody was supposed to know, especially not Diluc. They had just gotten better, and now, this would ruin it all. Diluc would know that Kaeya was annoying and bothersome and got attached way too easily, and he’d be scared off and the flower would come back and this time he’d really die, and it’d be so much worse because now, he knew what it felt like to have a brother again.

“Did you have Hanahaki, Kaeya?”

There was no use in denying it, as much as Kaeya would like to do so. What would that even do? Best to just get it over with. “Yes.”

“Is it my fault?”

“How would it be your fault?”, Kaeya asked, honestly a bit confused. It wasn’t Diluc’s fault. He had been hung up on the past so bad, that he had gotten an illness out of it. That would never be his brother’s fault. “Of course not!”

“But I never made you feel like I cared”, Diluc said. “I was an idiot, as I already told you, and now that I know this, that you could’ve died because of me, I just… I wanted to apologize again. Just so you know that I mean it. And because I’m not sure you heard it the first time I told, because you were hallucinating and choking and almost dead… I love you.”

“You love me?”, Kaeya asked. It seemed impossible, but he wanted to believe it more than anything. 

“I do. You’re the best brother anyone could ask for. You’re great and you’re strong and you’re ambitious and smart and kind. I could go on and on if you wanted me too”, Diluc said very surely, though his cheeks were bright red, almost like his hair. Kaeya would laugh if he didn’t feel like crying.

“I love you too, idiot”, he said, pulling Diluc out of his chair and into a tight hug. The blanket that had been placed over his knees fell to the ground into the dirt, but it made it possible to pull Diluc closer, so it needed to be okay.

“And you don’t need to apologize for making me sick. You saved my life, after all. I really believed it was some kind of miracle, because there wasn’t supposed to be a cure and then…”

“You’re both idiots”, someone else said. Kaeya looked up, only to see Lisa and Jean standing at the stairs leading up to the terrace they had been seated on. “I told you to never trust only one source, Kaeya. Reading one article, isn’t enough, dear, but it seems you both aren’t best when confronted with facts and feelings”, Lisa said. “Hanahaki might not be common, but there is more than small article in a really old book about it. It is not uncurable. You just needed the person you believed to not love you show you an act of love.”

Lisa really always found it in her to find him in the most annoying moments. It was bothering, there was no other way to say that. Though she was probably right – if the sneaky librarian was good with something, it surely would be knowledge and research.

“I think that’s enough”, Jean luckily put an end to Lisa’s monologue. “We’re glad that you’re feeling better, Kaeya, and that you two have made up.”

“Thank you”, Kaeya mumbled, taking a step away from Diluc, whose face was even more red now, and picking up the blanket. “I appreciate your visit.”

“Everything for our dear friend”, Lisa smiled, sitting down in the other chairs. “We bought you something sweet as well. And a bit of wine.” She winked at him, ignoring Jean’s horrified look at that. “And now, tell, how did you two make up?”

- - -

The afternoon went well, despite Lisa’s continuous comments about him and Diluc being bad at emotions. He didn’t mind though. It was bit like childhood, when they had been in school and they had all had lunch together in the school’s small backyard. He had missed all of it greatly.

They had even given him multiple letters wishing him a quick recover: one from Albedo with Klee’s messy signature scribbled under it as well as a picture of the three of them all together by the beach, one from Bennett and Razor and a very orderly one from Noelle, with the signatures from as many knights as she could fit on the paper. It made Kaeya smile, and he had placed them all on his nighstand. It was nice to feel liked. Appreciated. 

Loved, even.

Being loved felt closer. Adelinde said he was loved, Diluc had said it and so… there must be some truth behind it, right? Even if he himself still had a hard time grasping this. 

Later, when Lisa and Jean had already left and Adelinde had sent them to sleep after a fulfilling dinner, Kaeya thought of the conversation that had been cut short earlier. He was walking to their respective rooms, Diluc in front of him.

“I meant what I said earlier, you know. About it not being your fault. I don’t want it to be your fault”, Kaeya said, quiet enough for it to be barely understandable. 

“You’ll blame yourself, then”, Diluc said, and it was the truth. Kaeya had been blaming himself for weeks. And long before that, probably, for everything else as well. “I bet you blame yourself for father’s death and our falling out as well.”

Kaeya swallowed. “It is my fault, though. If I hadn’t told you…”

“If I hadn’t reacted the way I had, it would’ve ended differently as well.” Diluc’s hand was laying on the doorknob to Kaeya’s guest room/childhood bedroom. “It’s… I don’t care about it, anymore. About you being from Khaenria. You can be a dragon, for all I care – as long as you’re Kaeya, you’ll stay my brother.”

“Thank you”, Kaeya answered, voice quiet.

“And I wanted to ask you”, Diluc continued, taking a deep breath. Whatever he wanted to say, it seemed to be big. “If you’d go to father’s grave with me.”

Oh. 

It made him stop. He had never visited their father’s grave. He had never felt like he deserved it. He was from Khaenria, a spy, a traitor, but now Diluc was asking him. Called them brothers. Apologised. It felt like finally, everything fit together again. Like it could be fine. Like life could be good sometimes.

So Kaeya nodded. “I will.”

Diluc smiled.

- - -

It took him about two more weeks to get back to work. Noelle seemed excited, engulfing him in a tight hug the moment he stepped through the door, before imminently getting worried about being too forward. Kaeya could just laugh, and remember how much he had missed this. While he had done some light training again with Diluc, it just wasn’t the same as the being back at headquarters, with all of his friends and coworkers.

The day went by unusually quickly. He was supposed to do paperwork, as Barbara had ordered him to take it slow before going back out, but every few minutes, someone knocked on his office door, to tell him how glad they were to have their cavalry captain back. He spent the whole day doing more talking than getting actual work done.

After work, he walked through the town, back to the angel’s share. It was still rather early and the tavern hadn’t filled up yet, with only two adventures sitting at the back and a well-known bard by the bar.

“Come on, Diluc. Give you old pal another glass of wine. I’ll bring in way more than I drink with my singing this evening!”, Venti said, loudly. Diluc just rolled his eyes, but poured him a glass anyways. “Ah, Kaeya”, Venti greeted him as the door fell closed behind him. “I take it you recovered?”

“I did”, he answered.

“How was work?”, asked Diluc, wiping down the counter.

“Good”, Kaeya answered. “Everyone seemed rather happy to see me.”

“Well, why wouldn’t they?”, Venti asked, sipping on his wine glass and watching Kaeya with a slight grin. “You’re a great honour to Mondstadt.”

“What?”, Kaeya asked.

“What?”, asked Venti.

“Let’s just get going”, Diluc said. “I’ll already have to get through the evening with that bard bothering me.” He went to the back of the tavern to get Charles to take over working by the counter for him, before following Kaeya outside.

“Venti is so weird sometimes”, Kaeya mumbled. “Sometimes I fell like he knows much more than he should.”

Diluc shrugged. “He’s rather bothersome when he isn’t singing.” Kaeya laughed.

- - -

The walk to the graveyard wasn’t very far. Crepus’ grave was rather simple, with his sword adorning it, as well as the words: Here lies Crepus Ragnvindr. Beloved father and brave knight. Kaeya placed the flowers he had bought on it. Calla lilies and lamp grass. They had collected many of these back when they were small and Crepus had always placed them in the vase in his office.

For a moment, it was quiet between the two of them. The only thing Kaeya could hear was the slight wind going and the birds chirping in the trees.

“I miss him”, he admitted.

“I miss him as well”, Diluc said. “Sometimes I wonder if it’s all real, you know? If he’s really gone. It’s hard to wrap my mind around it.”

Kaeya nodded. Reality was hard to comprehend and accept, he knew the feeling all to well. It was somehow relaxing him that Diluc felt the same way sometimes.

“At least we have each other”, Kaeya said. He didn’t think he’d speak words like this ever again, but he was standing by his brothers side now. Reality really was… weird sometimes. 

“We do”, Diluc answered. “Brother.”

And it didn’t feel perfect, or amazing, because Kaeya had tears stinging in his eyes and the wind was slightly too cold so he shivered all over, and he could Diluc once again nervously massaging his fingers, but it was real, and it was better.

He had his brother back, and that was enough.