Archive of Our Own ^beta

Stan stared up at his wall, his head laying numbly against his mattress. His heart was thumping painfully fast, because of his best friend. Kyle Broflovski. His mind kept running wild, the only thing he could think about being the redhead. His face laid still, yet he felt like crying. How long had he been feeling this way towards him?

He placed his hand on his chest, feeling the pressure of his heart against his palm. It was painful . He wasn’t sure what to do, he felt like he was going to explode. It always felt like he was desperately reaching out to Kyle, like he wanted to feel his heartbeat when he was in his arms, or he wanted to feel his soft lips on his. But whenever he tried, he got pushed away.

What was the point of even feeling this way? The boy thought, his mouth curling into a small frown as his thoughts continued to sour.

Kyle was so much better than him, how could he ever look at Stan with love? He drank, smelt like shit, and always possessed bags under his eyes as if he stayed up all night crying about how much he hated himself. He was a mess, while Kyle, well, Kyle... The raven-haired boy could only describe him as an angel.

Flawed, of course. But still heavenly, angelic. In a way you don’t notice until you really get to know him . Get to know him as much as Stan did. He loved how he was his closest friend, he loved how no one knew Kyle better than himself. But still, it hurt to know that there was bound to be a barrier that wouldn’t let him get any closer .

A long, drawn-out sigh left his chapped lips as it pierced through silence. Even if Stan’s ears couldn’t hear anything, it was loud and deranged in his mind, almost causing a headache. Then, another noise suddenly jolted Stan back to reality, and not his own little bubble where he could feel bad for himself.

A high pitched-ringing. The raven-haired boy rubbed his eyes lazily before getting up, picking up his phone and putting it to his ear. “Stan?”

His eyes widened slightly but then reverted back to their groggy state as the shock melted into nothing, realising how predictable the situation was. Wendy was on the other line, probably coming back to convince Stan to get back with her, for some reason. Probably for no reason.

“Yeah, Wendy?” He simply responded, not bothered to change his awfully dull tone. Her voice was still dripping with unbelievable sweetness, it almost made Stan’s stomach turn. “Do you want to come over?” She cooed softly through the phone, almost making Stan go weak in the knees.

The young boy pinched his nose in annoyance, swearing under his breath. Fuck .

“Sure. I’ll be right there” he said before hanging up, mentally slapping himself. Again.

***

“What do you wanna do?” Kyle asked Stan as they entered the Broflovski’s residence. The raven-haired boy looked over to his super best friend with a smile, “I brought over this new game, wanna try it out?” He suggested, swiftly taking the video game out of his bag.

The redhead nodded as his face lit up, “Sure man! Let’s go set it up”

The two went up to the familiar bedroom that smelt of Kyle, Stan looking over all his posters and clothes as if he’d never seen any of it before. His smile widened slightly, he loved how Kyle it was. The boy flushed lightly at the thought but then sat down on his bed.

Suddenly, Stan felt a shock go through his body as Kyle looked him directly in the eyes. “Which controller do you want?” The words left his mouth, but he could only comprehend his lips moving. They looked like a cherry blossom sort of pink. His face reddened, he couldn’t believe he’d been having these thoughts while Kyle was around.

“Dude, you good? Here, just take this one loser” the redhead half-chuckled, throwing a controller over to Stan. The raven-haired male just smiled giddily, his eyes still glued on his closest friend, the boy he was in love with.

But ultimately, the boy he couldn’t have. He was with Wendy, for some shit reason. He just accepted the fact Kyle could never love him like that.

“So, what’s the game about, Marsh?” Kyle smirked, throwing himself next to Stan, the boy being hyper-aware of the space barely left between them now. Their knees were almost touching, their skin almost grazing against one another’s. “Oh uh.. dunno, seems like some shitty game my dad got as a shitty late birthday present”

Even if it was more sad than funny, Kyle still laughed, his mouth curling into a goofy smile. “Pfftt— sounds fun! Well, get ready for me to beat your ass!” He pushed Stan playfully, the raven-haired boy taking the challenge and pushing him back as the two got competitive quickly.

As they started the game, they got lost in how bad it was. They were getting lost in just how much time they’d been wasting playing this shitty and cheap game. But it was fun. Well, it was fun when they were together.

“Hahh.. shit dude... I think we need to take a break” Kyle flopped down onto his back, a grin still stuck to his face. “I know man, we smell like gamers” Stan chuckled, as he decided to join his best friend, laying on his back softly as well. The two then locked eyes, a small smile carved at the end of Stan’s lips while Kyle’s expression dampened subtly, his smile faltering.

“What’s wrong dude?” Stan almost whispered, the redhead letting out a loud sigh in response as his vision went to the ceiling. “sorry dude, I just... I just feel like you’re not being honest with me about something”

Now his mouth was dipped slightly, a neutral, calm yet pained expression taking over his face. Stan felt a pang of guilt through his body, letting his mouth open, only to close it a second later. His eyes shakily studied Kyle’s face, how his eyebrows were sternly furrowed, yet the rest of his face looked fragile— like it could break with a single word.

“You’re with Wendy again, aren’t you?” Stan doesn’t know why he’s bringing it up now. Did Kyle use all that time to distract them with the game so they wouldn’t have to talk about this..? Did they really have to discuss this? The raven-haired boy couldn’t help but let his eyes widen, wondering why he couldn’t just.. enjoy a moment with just him and Kyle.

He still wasn’t looking at him, thank god. Stan thought if he was, he would’ve started crying at this stage already. “Yeah” Stan answered, knowing damn well how shitty it sounded to be. “Stan,”

Kyle took a breath, the way he said his name, Stan swallowed, feeling a nervous swirling in his stomach.

“Why do you keep going back to her? You.. you’ve changed” He asks yet another question that leaves Stan choking for air, his throat stuck with absolutely nothing but words he couldn’t say. Then, he does the thing Stan didn’t want him to do.

He looked directly at him, his eyes piercing into his blue ones. They were slightly shaky as if they were hiding tears. It was getting a bit harder to breathe. “I— I don’t know Kyle..” he whispered, oh so quietly. Yet Kyle could still hear his confusing words. They continued to stare at each other.

Until Kyle spoke again, “I wish I could be with you” he let his words linger in the air.

And that’s when Stan felt a painful stab through his heart. His voice wobbled with doubt, “What..? Kyle you know I can’t—“ He began to spill, even if he didn’t want to say those things. He desperately wanted to lean in and kiss him— maybe then he’d be free. But, he just— couldn’t .

Wendy was the only thing Stan had ever known, he was just terrified of the thought of what he’d do without her. And he knew damn well that if she asked him to go back with her, he’d immediately agree. It was just this cycle. Again and again. And he was too far gone to stop. He wished. He fucking wished. That.. he told him sooner.

“I love you, Stan” his words were stained with a bittersweetness. But they both knew— it was too late. Stan could feel a soft sensation against his cheek, Kyle’s fingers were warm, the heat radiating off of the boy’s face making them even warmer. He continued to look deep into the emeralds that were his best friend’s eyes.

Why was he saying this to him? Why now?

Why did he wait so fucking long? Stan wanted to scream at him.

“I need to go to Wendy” Stan mustered up to say, Kyle’s face immediately washing over with a look of hurt. “Okay”.

***

Stan had been getting therapy lately. He decided to break up with Wendy, which sent her spiralling and lashing out at him. Never had he ever taken the step to do that, but this time, he managed to let her go. Though it was painful to not see her or talk to her, Stan guessed he was stopping a bad habit. She was addictive, his drug.

The boy had an arm draped over his face, the other hand being occupied with his phone, leaning it into his ear. “So yeah, it was hard as shit to do though” Stan breathed out an awkward chuckle, Kyle answering with a hum. The redhead had decided to contact him after months of saying nothing to each other.

He heard Stan was getting therapy and decided to check in. Stan was stunned when he saw he’d decided to reach out, but accepted it with open arms. Though, they still hadn’t talked about what happened before. Stan still wasn’t able to voice his feelings. He still needed some time.

But then, the raven-haired male heard a warming shift in Kyle’s voice, spiking his curiosity.

“I’m glad you’re trying to improve, Stan” he could hear the soft grin in his voice, god Stan wished he could be laying next to him right then. He sighed back, not being able to hold back a small smile from creeping up on his face from hearing Kyle say that to him. “Thanks, man”

Then another moment of silence, but it was more comfortable. And then Stan let his thoughts wander, as he began to mumble.

“I wish you told me earlier”. “What?” Is all the redhead could say, this voice clearly startled yet in a calm way. It almost sounded as if Kyle’s heart dropped. “We could’ve been together” Stan continued to say, rambling as his eyes stayed glued to his plain ceiling once again.

He could hear Kyle’s breathing through the device, carefully waiting for Stan to say “Just kidding!” or anything like that. But it never came, he just listened to Stan’s calm and collected tone. “I’m.. so sorry Stan” Kyle apologised, his voice about to crumble and break. He could hear a faint crack in his words.

“It’s okay Kyle... Maybe one day it won’t be too late” Stan tried comforting him, yet unaware of how mindless he sounded.

Kyle’s breath hitched, as he responded. “I’ll.. wait for you”

Stan let his eyes close as he let his smile gently rest on his face, the line going silent.