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Chapter Text

The house didn't look all that different – as she took in what had always been her safe space, she noticed the biggest change in all the framed photos of moments she simply couldn't remember. The birthdays she had no recollection of, gatherings that she had attended but held no memories of. It was maddening. How could someone just lose years of their life?

According to Amelia, she was suffering from some form of dissociative amnesia. The car accident was merely a traumatic event that triggered something in her brain that wiped out the last three years. There wasn't brain damage to speak of. She didn't crash her car after having a stroke. Her brain simply decided to protect her from the emotional trauma of the last several years. Emotional trauma. That was putting it lightly. She couldn't comprehend what could have happened in those three years that led to this. It simply didn't make sense. Call it what you want, but whatever it was, it must have been horrific.

-

Three days ago

A thousand tiny needles.

That's what it felt like behind her eyelids as they fluttered, trying to push themselves open against the threat of the brightest light.

It wasn't the first time she had woken up under the harsh glare of hospital lights, so she immediately knew where she was, even before the fog in her eyes could clear.

She was alone. She allowed her eyes to flutter closed again and sighed. Her head was a little achey, but she didn't feel pain anywhere else. She opened her eyes again, seeing more clearly now, trying to scan her body for any sign of injury. Nothing.

The door opened and she smiled in relief. "Amelia."

"Oh, I'm so glad you're awake. You're just in time to watch me eat breakfast," she joked, placing a cup of coffee and breakfast sandwich on the table nearest the hospital bed.

She laughed.

"How are you feeling?"

"My head hurts," she sighed, "Where are my babies? Where is Maya?"

Amelia "Pupils are equal and reactive. Good. We did a CT, everything looks good. You're pretty lucky. Any nausea, vision problems, or dizziness?"

"No, what happened?"

"You don't remember?"

Carina closed her eyes trying to scan through her day, "No."

"It was a car accident. You were out for a while, but I think you were just looking for an excuse to nap. Parenting is exhausting."

"Are my babies here?"

Amelia nodded, "Let me go get them."

~~~

Amelia found Maya and their two children in Carina's office. "She's awake and she's asking for you."

Tori and Elia bounced off the couch in excitement, each grabbing hold of one of Maya's hands.

"She asked for you, too," Amelia said quietly, hoping that it would only reach Maya's ears.

Confusion flickered across Maya's face before she covered it and nodded. But when they reached Carina's room, she looked torn. "Do you want to take them in?"

Amelia looked between the children and Maya, nodding silently before pushing the door open and ushering the children in.

"Mama!" they shouted in unison, a little louder than was appropriate for a hospital.

Outside the room, Maya shoved her hands in her pockets with a sigh, leaning against the wall. She felt light headed, though she wasn't sure why. She certainly hadn't been in a car accident, though she could probably do with a glass of water and something to eat. The kids had been well taken care of, but she hadn't been quite as kind to herself as they waited for news.

Inside the room, Carina's hand flew to her chest and though she tried to cover the gasp, it was abundantly clear to Amelia that something was off. She arched a brow in her friend's direction.

Carina had asked to see her children, so she maybe skipped over some of the normal questions she would ask someone complaining of a headache after a car accident. But her scans were clear. She seemed fine. Carina's reaction suggested that she was not fine, but she didn't say anything so Amelia allowed the reunion to unfold and watched carefully from the corner of the room.

"Where's Mommy?" Carina asked, gathering her children in a hug as they clambered onto the bed.

That was the second time she had asked about Maya, and now Amelia was on high alert.

"She's outside," Tori explained, tucking her face into her Mama's neck.

Carina looked at Amelia and Amelia recognized the desperation in her eyes.

"Okay kids," Amelia clapped her heads, "Let me get you back to your Mom so your Mama can rest. I need to do some tests now too," she added for Carina. She picked Elia up and helped Tori climb down from the bed, holding her hand as she took them back into the hall. She sighed when she saw Maya waiting nervously, "Hey."

Maya looked up, reaching to take Elia in her arms. She shifted him to her left hip and reached her right hand out to cover the top of Tori's head. "Is she okay?"

"I think you should take the kids back to Carina's office and have someone sit with them. I have something to discuss with you."

Maya's eyes flashed with concern. If there was something wrong with Carina, Amelia wouldn't have let the kids go see her without Maya by their side. She specifically said Carina asked to see them. Despite her questions she nodded, recognizing that Amelia didn't want little ears to hear.

While Maya took the children to safety, Amelia returned to her best friend's room. Carina had tears streaming down her face and was trying to choke back a sob when she looked up and saw Amelia standing at the end of her bed.

"Tell me," Amelia said immediately.

"They're so big."

Amelia had suspected the problem, but to hear the words come out of her mouth – she just wasn't sure how bad it was.

"How big?"

"I'm not sure, how old are they?"

"Tori is 7 and Elia is 5."

Carina shook her head, "Vittoria is 4 and Elia is 2. But I can see that isn't true. So."

"You've lost three years."

"Amelia," she was afraid to finish her sentence, terrified to ask the question that had been on her mind since her children came into the room without Maya in tow.

Amelia knew how difficult the last two years had been on both Carina and Maya. Harder on Maya, considering Carina had blindsided her with divorce papers. While she and Maya got along, they had never built a friendship that existed outside of their connection to Carina. Even still, she saw how devastated Maya was.

She was in Carina's office the day she stormed in manilla envelope in hand, questioning why she'd been served in her firehouse in front of the entire team. She remembered watching her swallow her pain, hoping desperately for an explanation. She definitely remembered Carina's cold reply stating simply that their marriage was finished. Amelia understood why Carina wouldn't necessarily want to share the gory details with her friends, but she never understood why Carina never offered Maya an explanation. Once the papers were served, Carina simply never spoke Maya's name aloud again, she was simply the children's mother. Maybe Amelia should have pushed harder, done more. Maybe Carina had to choose the cold to navigate the pain, to make it clear there was no hope.

But Amelia also knew they only communicated through text and drop-offs and pick-ups relied Maya's mother as a go-between. She could never understood what had happened – she got over Maya cheating on her with her ex-boyfriend, so what could possibly have happened for this change in Carina? For two people who had been so in love to end so abruptly and so painfully.

Amelia sensed Carina's hesitation, "You're divorced."

The look on Carina's face was difficult to process – she looked like she had been slapped. "How?"

Amelia shrugged, "Honestly? I have no idea, you never shared that with anyone."

Carina shook her head. This couldn't be real. Why would Maya leave? They were so in love. "Can I see her?"

Amelia nodded, "I'll ask her. She's just taking the kids back to your office. Do you feel comfortable with me telling her what's going on?"

Carina nodded, "She's the mother of my children, she needs to know."

Amelia stepped out of the hospital room to find Maya waiting, hands in her pockets and leaning against the wall, just as she had found her earlier.

"What's going on?" Maya asked, the tension evident in her voice.

"Carina appears to have amnesia."

"What?" Maya's brows furrowed in confusion, "You said she asked for the babies."

"And I also said she asked for you," Amelia reminded. She saw recognition flicker in Maya's eyes and her mouth opened in surprise. "Maya, her reaction to seeing the children made it clear to me that something was wrong. She remembers Tori and Elia being much younger. Three years younger. Babies."

Maya covered her mouth to contain the whimper that almost escaped. "So, she doesn't remember," she couldn't finish the sentence.

Amelia shook her head, "She doesn't. I did tell her, but she asked if she could see you."

Amelia's stomach dropped at the look in Maya's eyes. It was the same look she wore the day she burst into Carina's office with those papers. The same broken devastation she had seen her wear for months after, maybe longer. She also knew they hadn't seen each other in person in almost two years. Although, she hadn't always been sure which one of them was the cause for that – on the one hand she knew Maya was heartbroken, she imagined it would be hard to see the person who broke your heart. But with how cold Carina had been in the aftermath, it wouldn't be surprising to learn that she was the one preventing them from setting eyes on each other.

When Maya was promoted to Battalion Chief it became much easier for them to avoid each other, she wasn't rolling into the ER as Captain Bishop anymore. And when she had been injured in an explosion a year ago, Carina didn't even bother to set foot in the ICU to check in. How did it end up like this?

She wasn't sure what possessed her, but Amelia found herself wrapping Maya in a hug. If she was being honest, it was something she had wanted to do a long time ago, something she felt she should have done. It was Maya's undoing, and once the flood gates open, they couldn't be closed. Amelia directed her into a supply closet and held her as she broke down. "I'm really sorry," she didn't know what else to say.

~~~

Once she had cried every last drop of moisture out of her body Maya visited the bathroom to wash her face and comport herself before heading back to Carina's room. That Carina would wake up and ask to see her… well, that was even more shocking than her absence after Maya nearly died last year. The amnesia. Well, that made it make a lot more sense. It wasn't the real Carina who requested the visit, it was the Carina of three years ago. The Carina who had still been madly in love with her. The Carina she knew. The one she married. She wasn't sure how to face this Carina. This Carina didn't remember how their relationship ended. She didn't know what happened in the last two years. Hell, she barely knew.

Maya found herself knocking on the door before she entered – walking in without notice felt too intimate. She tried to keep her face neutral when she saw Carina. She was sure she had failed, but Carina didn't react. Her hands slipped back into her pockets, a defense mechanism that no amount of therapy could erase. "Hey," she greeted because she really didn't know what else to say to this woman who had crushed her. This woman who was still as stunning as ever, despite the fact that she had just woken up after a car accident.

"Bambina," she didn't mean to say it, but it slipped out.

Maya flinched at her use of the term of endearment. It had been so long since she'd heard Carina call her Bambina. Go on and break another little piece of my heart babe. Not that there's much left still standing.

"We're divorced?" was all Carina could say, the question that had been burning her lips since Amelia said the words aloud.

Maya simply nodded, she didn't trust her voice. Carina could see the inner war Maya was battling, but despite the turmoil she still looked beautiful.

"Why?"

Maya shrugged, trying to buy time to come up with a response she could speak without breaking down. "The only person who can answer that has apparently lost three years worth of memories."

"I did it?" Carina asked with a gasp. The divorce was shocking enough, but this?

Maya simply nodded.

"I don't understand."

"That makes two of us," Maya sighed. "Carina, we haven't seen each other in almost two years. You filed those papers, and you cut me out of your life like I was a cancer."

Tears ran freely down Carina's face. "I just don't understand. What about the babies?"

"My mom handles drop-offs and pickups."

Carina shook her head.

Maya's phone buzzed and she sighed as she saw the caller ID. "Battalion Chief Bishop," she answered, "I'm on my way." She pocketed her phone, "I'll drop the kids with my mom, I have to go." she said moving toward the door, she hesitated as she turned the handle. "I'm glad you're okay," she said, not looking back as she walked out.

~~~

"Amelia."

Amelia knew that tone, she knew Carina was about to hit her with an onslaught of questions. "Ask whatever you want."

"I just don't understand. That I divorced Maya? That I cut her out and haven't seen her? What happened?"

"I honestly have no idea, I wish I did because I never understood it. You told me in passing that you had agreed to go to therapy with Maya because you'd been having some issues. You didn't say what those issues were. Then hours later Maya was sobbing in your office with divorce papers in her hand. You were so cold with her I thought something must have happened, but she swore nothing did. She was stunned and she was devastated. You went out of your way to avoid her in the hospital and then when she got promoted, it got easier. I assumed based on that, that it was your choice to not see each other. And then last year, she was in a really serious accident. There was an explosion and you didn't go anywhere near the ICU the entire time she was here. You let her mom take the kids in to visit. That's when I knew without a doubt that you had pushed the no contact. But none of us know why. None of us know what happened. You never told Maya," she shrugged with a finality. "It was an uncontested no-fault divorce. If that helps at all."

"Battalion Chief Bishop."

That wasn't exactly the response Amelia had expected from Carina.

"She answered the phone Battalion Chief Bishop."

Amelia nodded, "She was promoted a few months before the accident. All those injuries, all that damage, and she wasn't even running into a burning building."

"Amelia, we worked through her cheating on me. What on earth could have happened that would make me divorce her and then never speak to her again?"

"Well, you do text. But only about the kids."

Carina sighed. "It doesn't sound like me at all."

"It wasn't very you. I mean, you love talking about everything so the fact that you never shared what had happened always struck me as strange, but you were so caught up in your research. I should have pushed you harder."

"Are you friends now?"

Amelia shook her head, "No."

"It feels like you're on her side, I thought maybe…"

Amelia shook her head again, "We're not friends, we have always been polite in passing, and I didn't take sides, but I did see the devastation and I just never understood your side. But then, you never explained your side and even though Maya didn't offer hers either, I had eyes to see her pain and you closed yourself off. The look on her face when she came in with the papers," Amelia sighed, "It was a lot. The sobs?" she shook her head, "It took her months to look me in the eye after that, I don't think she realized I was in the room when she first arrived."

"Am I…" Carina sighed, "Am I cold with everyone? Am I the same Carina I was three years ago with everyone else?"

Amelia shrugged, "You are warmth and goodness and light with Tori and Elia. You are polite with everyone else, you don't share as much as you used to, not even with me." Amelia sighed, her wringing her hands as though she was contemplating what to say next. "There's something else," her decision had been made – she was going all in. Why not? "A lot of Maya's friends took your side. Well, all of them actually. She didn't have an explanation for what happened and even though you didn't offer yours, they just assumed it was her fault."

"And I let them?"

Amelia nodded.

"Is it possible she did do something awful?"

Amelia shrugged, "Anything is possible, but you immediately agreed to shared custody so you obviously thought your children would be safe and happy with her. She's had so much therapy at this point, if she had done something awful without realizing, I think she'd have figured it out by now. And probably grovelled at your feet."

"Amelia, what are the chances I get my memory back?"

Amelia shrugged, "It's localized dissociative amnesia – there is no medical reason. You can try CBT, EMDR, meditation, even hypnosis if you want. They will help you cope, whether they help trigger the return of your memories or just help you adjust to this new normal."

"So I just go home and that's it?"

Amelia nodded, "Pretty much. You might not like what I'm about to say, but you're going to need to talk to Maya because she'll need to fill in the blanks with your kids. You might even want to ask her to stay with you until you get in the swing of things."

"I think it's she who would not like it... not me," Carina scoffed. "I don't remember the pain."

"I'm going to give you some advice, Carina, and this is as your friend not your doctor. Amnesia cases are emotionally difficult for a million different reasons. Okay, that was a little doctor-y. Anyway, for you, you have a three year gap to fill in and it's one that contains a lot of heartache and upset. It may or may not come back. It's going to be really painful for the kids, you won't know a lot of things they expect you to. So, be prepared to set aside your emotions to love them as much as they need. Let Maya love them for you when it's too much. And with Maya," Amelia sighed, "She remembers everything so being around you all the time after not seeing you for two years is going to be difficult. Harder because you don't remember how it all ended. Just be mindful of that."

Carina nodded.

"And if you're struggling and you need an escape, just call me. I'll whisk you away for some quiet and relief."

Carina laughed. "At least I missed Elia's terrible twos."

Amelia smiled. "See, there's always a silver lining."

-

Present Day

Carina returned home alone – Teddy gave her a ride, but seemed hesitant to linger and Carina wondered if they were no longer as close as they used to be. Though she had asked Maya to stay to help with the children, Maya thought allowing her time to settle in herself would be wise. She suggested Carina take two nights to work through the big emotions and decide what treatment path she'd like to pursue, promising to come back with the kids in a couple of days. She wondered if Amelia had been behind that.

After exploring the home and finding it much the same as she remembered, she settled on the couch with her phone. If nobody could fill in the blanks for her, she figured she might find something of interest in her phone. Her photo album was filled with photos of the children. She scrolled back to two years ago and found more pictures of the children. Scrolling back further she thought she would find photos of Maya, but there was nothing. It was as though Carina had erased her from existence.

This Carina would never tire of looking at Maya so the idea that there's a version of her who would delete every photo she'd ever taken of Maya was painful. At least there was no evidence that she had an affair or even that she was seeing someone now.

Her messages were equally as unhelpful – her exchanges with Maya were short and to the point, no warmth, all business. Her social media accounts show that she stopped updating long before the divorce. What the fuck happened?

She jumped when the doorbell rang, momentarily taken aback by the fact that Maya hadn't just come right in with the children. But then she remembered why that was and she sighed heavily as she opened the door steeling herself against the heavy emotions roiling in her stomach. "Bambini!" she greeted with as much happiness as she could muster, crouching down to pull the pair into a tight embrace. She peppered kisses across their faces and pulled them in for another hug.

She couldn't bear the heartbreak she saw in Maya's eyes. If they divorced two years ago, why did she constantly look like someone just kicked her puppy? She watched as Maya skirted past the cuddle pile, excusing herself to set up in the guest room. This might be even harder than anticipated.

~~~

Maya retreated to the kitchen after unpacking in the guest room. Carina had always been the better cook, but it was probably best if she took every opportunity to get to know the kids as they are now and not the toddlers she remembered. Maya could handle preparing dinner. She cursed herself inwardly as she decided to make an orecchiette dish. It was Carina's favorite pasta, especially with Italian sausage and broccoli. She briefly wondered what kind of message she was sending by choosing to make one of Carina's favorite dishes, but dismissed the thought immediately because the kids also loved it.

"Dinner," she called out, placing their dishes in their normal seats before quickly pouring juice for the kids. While she waited she sliced the warmed bread and placed it on the table between the butter dish and the oil and vinegar. She stopped herself from pouring Carina a glass of wine, opting instead to fill two glasses with water.

The kids made a beeline for the table, playfully pushing each other as they each tried to arrive first.

"Are your hands clean?" Maya asked holding a hand up to stop them from sitting down.

They both nodded, holding up clean, freshly dried hands. Maya nodded with a smile.

"Mommy, can we do a science experiment?"

Maya raised a brow at Tori, "What kind of science experiment?"

"Something that explodes!" Tori grinned.

Elia jumped in his chair, "Or with fire!"

Carina's eyes widened as she joined them at the table, but didn't say a word. It was hard to know how to engage with Maya at all, but particularly challenging where the kids were concerned. They had been co-parenting through texts for years. She didn't know their dynamic, and she didn't want to step on her toes by freaking out at the mere mention of fire. So, she resisted the urge to panic and let Maya lead the conversation.

"We can do a science experiment tomorrow, but nothing with fire. Maybe an explosion," Maya said with a wide smile.

"What kind of explosion?" Carina asked, trying to keep her cool despite the fact that she didn't love the sound of it. Okay, she wasn't perfect.

Maya shrugged, her eyes still on the children, "I'll do some googling later, I'll find something age appropriate. Maybe a play-doh volcano."

Carina nodded. How dangerous could it be if Play-Doh was involved? "Bambini," Carina said, holding back a sigh. "There's something we need to talk to you about."

The children's eyes immediately swiveled from Maya to Carina. "Mommy is going to stay here with us for a little bit to help me." She knew they should have had this conversation earlier, especially because they had spent the last two years without any interaction between their parents. But, Maya wanted them to do it together and she wanted Carina to take some time to sit with the news. "You know how I had an accident?"

They both nodded.

"My brain is okay, but it lost some memories. So, I need time to heal and Mommy said she would be here for you while I do that."

Tori nodded, "But you remember us." It wasn't a question.

Carina nodded, "Of course, how could I forget my bambini?"

"It's just that Mama lost her most recent memories," Maya explained, reaching out to place a hand over Tori's. "So, she remembers you both, but she doesn't remember you being such big kids. You'll need to take it easy on her, okay? If she can't remember certain things it isn't because she doesn't love you, baby. It's because her brain is trying to catch up."

Carina tried to convince her tears not to fall. She would never understand how she divorced this woman. This was the same Maya, yet she seemed softer, kinder, more patient… but she was still her Maya. What could have gone wrong?

"Do you know how the television sometimes sticks when we're watching movies? And it comes up with the little circle and it says buffering or loading?" She waited for confirmation that both of the children understood. When they both nodded, Maya smiled, "That's what's happening with Mama's brain."

Carina smiled at Maya's explanation, that's exactly how it felt. She wanted to throw herself in her arms and hold on for dear life. But she remembered precisely what Amelia said, about how she might not remember the pain of the last few years, but Maya does. She could see it for herself, it was so clearly etched on all over Maya's face. Almost as though she wore it like a protective shield.

Tori seemed to understand, Maya's explanation had hit the mark. Elia less so, but he was only 5. He just nodded along with Tori. "If you have any questions, you can just ask, okay babies?"

Sweet, precious Maya.

Finally, Maya looked across the table and made eye contact with Carina. "You can ask questions, too. Okay Mama?"

Carina nodded, a small smile on her face at the familiarity that bloomed inside her.

Chapter Text

Going to work was a necessity – not just because she was the Battalion Chief, but because it was an important part of maintaining her mental health. She relied on routine.

The Maya Bishop of old saw work differently – her drive to perform and compete impacted her mental health on a profound level. Whether things were going well or not, her visceral need to win was damaging. Work was a compulsion. By the time she earned her promotion, she had long quelled that impulse. Did she still want to win? Yes, but it wasn't something she was willing to do at any cost.

Her promotion took her a step further from entering active fire scenes and kept her safer for her children. That was what mattered most to her – staying safe for Tori and Elia. Since Tori's birth, Maya's journey with mental health was guided by a therapist. She had visited a therapist before that, but it was on and off. When Tori arrived, it put things into perspective and Maya realized that it was a long-term journey that required consistency, and that was something she was prepared to do for the good of her daughter.

Today, the routine of work helped support positive mental health. It wasn't at the flip of a switch, it was the result of a lot of work. When everyone abandoned her after Carina filed for divorce, it took her to a particularly dark place. When the process server handed her the papers in front of everyone they just stared at her in silence. Nobody came to check up on her when she retreated to her office in shock, tears streaming down her face. Nobody said goodbye when they left at the end of the shift or texted her. When she was forced to find a hotel that night – nobody was there to offer her their guest room or even a couch. She had been dealt a body blow and not a single soul was on her side.

The team at 19 had joked for years that they would choose Carina in a divorce, but it had always been just that – jokes. For that to be her reality… well, it took her by surprise. The family she had built, the only real family she had known before meeting Carina. They all dropped her so fast, the same way they did when she was promoted to Captain. It was almost as devastating as the divorce. She had no choice but to request a transfer to a new station, explaining to the Battalion Chief at the time it would be better for everyone. She didn't waste time in doing so, it was clear from the outset that nobody was interested in hearing her side. Three days after the papers were served, she requested her transfer and she was Captain at Station 13 within two weeks.

It wasn't that Maya was in the dark. She wasn't delusional. She knew that their marriage was in trouble, but it wasn't anything too big to overcome. It was a bump in the road, a hiccup if anything. It was Maya who suggested they attend counseling together, her own experience with mental health had made her vocally pro-therapy. Who would have predicted that? Regardless, Carina seemed willing to go, they had even agreed on which therapist to use after sorting through recommendations from her own therapist.

Even thinking about the day she received those papers stole air from her lungs. She sat behind her desk and closed her eyes, focusing on box breathing. When she took over the district, she expected trouble from certain quarters. Andy was Captain at Station 4, Jack at Station 42, and that coupled with her history at 19 made the first months of her new role challenging. With a little bit of luck and a whole lot of perseverance, she was able to forge professionals bonds with each station.

Their friendships, however, never recovered. Whether any of them recognize the role they played in harming her or not, none of them apologized and none of them reached out. Not even to offer a congratulations on her promotion. Or to offer comfort when she was fighting for her life in hospital. They erased her from their lives the same way Carina had. Maya was the disposable one. Just the way she had always been. That was a difficult thought to navigate. It played into a lot of old insecurities, and it would have been easy to give into the spiral. Instead, her life became work and her children, and trying to mend her broken heart.

Despite that effort, her heart was still broken. She wasn't sure whether seeing Carina was worse for that or not – having a daughter who looked so like her was a painful reminder of what she had lost. She didn't hold it against Tori, if anything it made her hold her that little bit closer.

None of that mattered right now – she had an inspection schedule to keep up with and Stations 4 and 42 were first on the docket. Maya sighed, torn between embracing the busy schedule she'd set for herself and cursing herself for planning to inspect both Andy and Jack's stations on the same day. In another life, seeing either of them would have been a welcomed opportunity to discuss the insanity going on in her personal life. But she wasn't that lucky, she had to pretend like everything was fine. Everything is fine.

~~~

Carina opened the door, smiling when she saw Amelia and Teddy on her doorstep. "Hi," she greeted, unsure what else to say, but she waved them in regardless. "What are you two doing here?"

"We just thought we'd drop by and see how things are going," Teddy explained with a smile.

"I assume you haven't had any memories surface, otherwise you would have called me. Right?" Amelia shot her a cheeky grin.

"Right." Carina confirmed.

"So, how are things going?" Teddy asked.

Carina sighed as she flopped onto the couch and invited her friends to sit. "Everything feels the same, but I can see the difference in my children and it's a constant reminder that everything is different."

"And Maya?" Amelia asked.

Carina sighed again. "I cannot understand why I divorced that woman, she is so perfect. She sat and explained everything to the bambini. She has been making dinner so I can spend more time with them. On Saturday, they built a giant exploding play-doh volcano. She seems exactly the same, but warmer maybe."

Teddy raised an eyebrow and looked in Amelia's direction. The look wasn't lost on Carina. "What?"

Teddy shook her head, "No, nothing."

"Do you know something?" Carina pointed at Teddy.

"I really don't. There's no way for any of us to know anything because you weren't talking and if Maya was, well, we don't know who to because," Teddy grimaced, deciding not to finish her thought.

"Because everyone chose me."

Teddy nodded, a slight look of guilt on her face for pointing out the truth they were all privy to.

"Have you looked through your phone?" Amelia asked, "Are there recent messages with anyone other than us who may have insight?"

"My most recent messages are all Maya discussing the children. There are messages from both of you, and from Katherine. Warren, of course, but it's clinic related queries. It seems like Vic and Travis check in from time to time, but that's it. If everyone else was so quick to take my side, why aren't any of them still in regular contact with me?"

They both shrugged helplessly.

"They're definitely not friends with Maya, we see them in Joe's from time to time and Maya is never there, even when we know the kids are with you."

"She just had no one," Carina shook her head, unable to believe any of it. "It's hard to hear. It's," she let out a shuddering exhale, "difficult to think that things were so bad I would have stood by and let everyone do that."

"It was so bad she transferred stations," Amelia added. "I don't want to add more onto your already heavy burden, but it feels right to share that, maybe so Maya doesn't have to. She moved to Station 13, and that's where she's based now as Chief."

"Are you sure I didn't have a blow to the head two years ago? Did anyone think to check?" Carina asked incredulously.

Amelia shrugged, "It's too late now, but you know, there are mental health issues that can trigger episodes of poor decision making and some of those mental health issues are also linked to dissociative amnesia. Your father does have bipolar 1, your brother had bipolar 1, it's possible…" she planted the seed, but didn't finish the sentence, leaving it for Carina to consider.

"I would have recognized the signs," Carina said shaking her head, "And even if I couldn't, someone at the hospital would have surely recognized the signs? Even Maya?"

"You won't know unless you ask," Teddy said with a tight smile.

~~~

"I was surprised Bishop's already back to work. I kind of expected the inspection to be delayed."

Andy raised an eyebrow, looking sideways at Jack. "What do you mean?" she asked clinking her beer against his as they celebrated the end of inspection day.

"You didn't hear? Carina got into a car accident and has amnesia, just completely forgot the last three years of her life."

"What?"

Jack nodded, "Jo told me about it the day after she woke up. She asked to see Maya and the kids, the kids walked in and Carina was shocked emoji. She remembers them being 4 and 2."

"Holy shit. Bishop never said a word."

"Well, why would she?" he said with a shrug. "She moved back in to help Carina with the kids. Carina doesn't remember the divorce."

"Fuck. That's heavy. I hope she doesn't manage to weasel her way back in while Carina doesn't remember what she did."

"What did she do?" Jack queried, his eyes narrowing.

Andy thought about it for a moment and then shrugged, "I have no idea, but it must have been pretty bad if Carina served her with divorce papers."

Jack swiveled in his chair, "Wait, you never asked?"

"What do you mean I never asked, did you ever ask?"

He shook his head, "Carina wasn't exactly open to questions when I saw her."

"And Bishop transferred out quick. I just took that as an admission of guilt," Andy admitted.

Jack looked at Andy and back at his beer before leveling her with that gaze. "Did we fuck it up?"

Andy shook her head, "No, no way, Bishop transferred."

"Okay, but, that day she got served with papers. I was out – what happened?"

Andy shrugged, "Most of us were filtering to the barn from the beanery and a process server came in and asked for Maya at the front desk, handed her the envelope when she appeared and she opened the papers and went to her office."

"And after that? How did you know it was divorce papers?"

"Travis was on the desk, he caught a glimpse of them."

"Okay, and then what?"

She shrugged, "That was it."

"Nobody went and checked on her?"

Andy opened her mouth to reply and closed it again. Oh, they really fucked up.

"So, nobody even asked for Bishop's side of the story?" Jack was in slight disbelief. "If we were ever a family, it was a dysfunctional one. At best." He shook his head. It's not like he could excuse his own behavior in the aftermath. He just took everyone's word for it when he returned from a few personal days to find out Bishop was moving to 13 because Carina had filed for divorce. He followed everyone else's lead in blaming her for whatever had gone down between the pair.

"We just assumed if Carina served Maya papers that she must have done something awful." Andy sighed. Echoes of so many other moments throughout their relationship, assuming it was Maya who had done the wrong thing.

"Jo said Carina never told anyone why, including Maya."

"What?"

Jack nodded, "That's what Amelia said, that she'd agreed to go to counseling that morning and then boom, Bishop was served."

"So, her wife split up with her and then we took Carina's side and forced her to transfer. And now she's our boss and holds our careers in her hands. Cool cool, that's totally fine."

"Is she ever anything less than professional with you?"

Andy shook her head, "No, and somehow, that makes this so much worse."

~~~

"Maya." Carina wanted to make sure she had her full attention before she continued. She had just put the children to bed for the evening and Maya was tidying the kitchen. Maya closed the dishwasher door and stood up straight to look at Carina. She didn't speak, but Carina knew she had her focus. "Before…" she sighed, she couldn't bring herself to utter the word divorce, "Was I acting differently?"

Maya furrowed her brows. "We weren't actually seeing much of each other. You were working a lot."

Red flag.

"When you were home, it was usually because I was at work. It felt like you were avoiding me most of the time," she sighed.

Red flag.

"Were we fighting about something?"

Maya sighed, "Just how much time you were spending at work, but you insisted it was temporary because of your research."

Red flag.

"Was I manic? Or depressed?"

Maya's eyebrows shot up, "You think you're bipolar?" She immediately understood what Carina was getting at because of course she did. Perfect Maya.

She shrugged helplessly, "I don't know. Amelia and Teddy came over today and I'm just trying to piece everything together. I asked jokingly if anyone had checked whether I'd had a blow to the head two years ago and Amelia suggested there's a link between dissociative amnesia and mental health issues like bipolar. And that felt familiar."

"What do you do with that information?"

Carina shrugged again, "I'm pursuing CBT and EMDR, they both help with bipolar and if that is the case, I guess we'll figure it out."

"I know from experience that mental health is," she shrugs helplessly, 'Complicated. But you're pretty aware of bipolar. Do you think you would have missed it?"

"I don't know," she said it so quietly Maya barely caught it. "And, I know I don't remember it so I can't really apologize for the things I may have done. But I can tell you I'm disappointed in myself for letting you go through it all alone."

Maya looked surprised.

"Amelia said you had to transfer stations and that is awful. I don't know what happened, but I can't believe I stood by and let that happen. That I let you take the blame."

Maya nodded. Maya recognized that she had an ally in Amelia, she wouldn't come right out and say it, but it was something she had long suspected and was essentially confirmed when she hugged her at the hospital. It might seem too little, too late, but it meant a lot.

"And if this is all down to bipolar, maybe it makes more sense, maybe I was completely unaware of what else was going. But I hate it. I went through my things, I didn't find any medication. I just stopped using social media before the divorce. I don't have any photos of you in my phone. But at this point, I'm just grasping for anything to explain what's going on. It's so hard. This is so hard." she shook her head. "Because how did I manage with the bambini?"

"Um, I had the kids most of the time for the first few months, after the split, you were working a lot. So, when I was at work, my mom had the kids. There was a lot going on with your research project. It didn't ring any alarm bells for me, at least not at the time. It had been that way for a while. I hadn't seen you since we finalized the divorce, and when your project ended, you were ready to have the kids more. When I came to drop them off you told me you didn't want to see my face again, that my mom could do drop offs. That was the last time I saw you."

Carina was struck by the matter of fact way she delivered the information, as though she was sharing a story about someone else's life – you didn't want to see my face again. Amelia said she had been cold with Maya when she stormed in divorce papers in hand, and that was further evidenced by what she told her now – I never want to see your face again. She couldn't imagine ever feeling that way, she couldn't imagine ever getting tired of seeing Maya's beautiful face.

"Even when you almost died," she sighed.

Maya laughed, "I didn't almost die," she said rolling her eyes. "It wasn't that bad."

"Amelia said you were in the ICU."

Her cheeks flushed. Of course, Amelia did. "A broken leg, small full thickness burn, and a grade 3 concussion, but it sounds much worse than it was. I did have amnesia for a couple days, though, so I kind of get it," she joked with a small smile.

"I can maybe understand why I didn't want to visit you, but I can't believe I didn't want to support the bambini while they visited you. That must have been traumatic for them."

"My mom was there, they were okay."

"You don't have to excuse my behavior. You don't have to make me feel better or justify anything just because I can't remember it now. Unless I wake up with my memory back tomorrow and find out you cheated on me with Jack again or brought pineapple pizza into this house, I can't imagine feeling good about what happened."

"I promise you I did not do either of those things. I didn't do anything. I asked you if you would be willing to go to counseling with me, I presented you with a list of recommendations from my therapist, eventually you agreed and you chose one, and I was going to make an appointment after work. But I was served papers later that day."

Carina shook her head, "Che stronza. That means I started the process before telling you to make an appointment with a therapist." Her head was still shaking. "I don't understand." She sighed. "I think I'm going to go to bed, I have a terrible headache. Today has been a lot."

Maya nodded, watching her go with a heavy heart, "Night."

As Carina trudged up the stairs, she heard Maya's phone ring. She hoped it wasn't another work call, she knew she was more than capable of getting the kids ready for school, but she didn't love the idea of doing it without Maya. She didn't love the thought of Maya rushing out to a big fire either.

"Hey honey," she heard her say. Her legs felt heavier. Maya was heartbroken. Maya was devastated. Maya was destroyed, and now she's moved on. It shouldn't be a surprise, it's been two years and Maya Bishop is a catch. Of course she's moved on. Of course she did.

Despite her legs nearly giving out she picked up speed, racing to her bedroom and as far away from that conversation as she possibly could.

"Things are fine," Maya said with a sigh. "Complicated, I guess."

"How complicated can it be – you're basically there as a nanny."

"I'm not a nanny, Tori and Elia are my children."

"I know that, I just mean you're there to help with the kids so how can it be complicated?"

"Their mother doesn't remember the last three years of their lives, that's complicated."

"You mean she doesn't remember divorcing you so it's complicated for you."

"It's complicated for everyone involved. Nobody asked for this," Maya said firmly.

"I'm not trying to lay blame," there was a heavy sigh in Maya's ear and she shook her head. "So, am I going to see you?"

"I will try my best, but between work and the kids, there isn't a lot of time."

"Between work and the kids, you have been dating me."

"And now I'm not sharing custody so the children need more time and attention, especially with what they're going through. I really need you to understand."

Another heavy sigh in Maya's ear. "Okay, well, hopefully I'll see you soon. I'll text you when you have a better idea of when you're free."

Maya hung up without saying goodbye. They hadn't been dating long, two months or so. Regardless, they had been friends first, she was the first person willing to give Maya the time of day after the divorce. Even though Rachel knew Carina and had been a colleague at one time, she took time to hear what Maya had to say. She was the first, and only, person to do that in all this time. Well, apart from Robert Sullivan – he had been an unexpected support, but he'd been through the pain of an unexpected divorce and he was willing to hear her out. They could hardly be considered friends, though. They were colleagues who sometimes shared big emotions in common.

Maya hadn't intended to fall into a relationship with her, it was just nice to have a friend. Then that friend offered her sex and it had been a while. While most people would have expected a backslide into self-care Wednesdays, Maya hadn't actually had sex with anyone after the divorce. She just couldn't bring herself to do it and she knew if she did, it would turn into an unhealthy coping mechanism. She hadn't even slept with Rachel yet, there was just an offer on the table. In fact, they'd barely gone beyond kissing. Not that she would ever admit it to anyone. She had a reputation to keep. The Maya Bishop of old would be appalled to learn just how long it had been since she'd had sex. Carina hadn't exactly been available before she ended their marriage.

She tipped her head back, sighing as she let the couch catch the full weight of her body. What a fucking mess.

Upstairs, Carina was furiously texting Amelia for gossip. Teddy was being weird earlier, maybe this is what she knew despite her denials.

Carina: Do you know anything about who Maya is seeing?

Amelia: I was really hoping you wouldn't ask me such a forward question

Carina: So, you do know. I take it it's someone we know?

Amelia: I don't know her, but you do. Her name is Rachel – you're old colleagues I think

Carina: Pre-amnesia Carina knows about Rachel?

Amelia: Pre-amnesia Carina knows and hasn't said much about it at all. I don't think they've been seeing each other long, a couple months at most

Carina: I really hate pre-amnesia Carina, she sounds like the worst.

Amelia: She's not that bad, although I much prefer pre-divorce Carina… just, if we're being honest

Carina dropped her phone on the bed with a sigh. She could only think of one Rachel she knew professionally, and while she was nice enough, she didn't love the knowledge that Rachel Fields was the one Maya chose to move on with. She wondered if Maya had introduced her to the children. No, she wouldn't do that. If they've only been dating a couple of months? No way would Maya do that. But how did pre-amnesia Carina know that Maya was seeing Rachel if it wasn't because she'd met the children? She really didn't want to ask because as much as she didn't believe Maya would do that, she was terrified to find out how serious she was with Rachel.

~~~

Sleep was enough to erase all of her concerns because she had just about forgotten the overhead phone call as she walked down the stairs the following morning. She could hear Maya in the kitchen with Tori, "arguing" about whether to make the pancakes with bacon bits or blueberries. Maya was pushing for blueberries because of course she was, and Tori was insistent that bacon bits would be best. She heard Tori say something about deserving bacon. Carina peeked into Elia's room and found him packing his bag for school.

"Good morning, Mama!" his grin was infectious. Carina wrapped her arms around him as he tried to speed by, "Good morning, ometto," she smiled wrapping him in a hug before releasing him to go on his way.

She followed him into the kitchen and smiled at the sight – Tori setting the table while Maya hovered over the griddle to ensure pancake perfection.

"Good morning, paperotta," she said pressing a kiss to the top of Tori's head.

"Mama, you don't call me that anymore! You call me papera now."

"Mi scusi, il mio sole" she said with a shrug. Tori looked up with a grin, and wrapped her arms around Carina's waist for a tight hug. "We're having pancakes with bacon bits," she whispered.

Carina gasped, "You talked Mommy into bacon bits? Where did you get all your charm, tesoro?"

Tori shrugged, "Mommy, I think."

Carina knew that wasn't true – Carina knew Maya couldn't say no to Tori because she had Carina's big brown eyes. It was the same reason she herself struggled to resist Elia, he looked so like Maya it was almost impossible to say no when he turned on the charm and looked at her with those giant blue eyes.

"Do you want orange juice Mama?" Tori's question broke her out of her thoughts.

"I'll stick with coffee this morning, but thank you, cara" she said approaching the moka pot to find Maya had already done it. She raised an eyebrow in her direction and poured, "Do you want coffee?" she asked Maya. Maya shook her head, "I already had a smoothie."

"Come sit, babies, I don't want you to be late for school," Maya said flipping pancakes onto plates. There was already fruit on the side of each plate, a nice selection of berries and melon. And boysenberry syrup on the table. Boysenberry syrup. Carina thought it was disgusting, but Maya and the kids loved it.

"I appreciate you making breakfast, but I can cook sometimes you know," Carina said focusing on her plate as she speared a particularly large blueberry.

Maya nodded, "I know you can, I just wanted to let you spend as much time with the kids as possible. Heal."

"And keep busy," Carina said knowingly.

It had been a while since Maya had been subjected to Carina calling her out so effortlessly, but it was kind of nice to know she could still read her so well. Although, this Carina didn't remember that wasn't their thing anymore.

Maya shrugged, trying to hide the slight smirk that was desperately trying to break through. "Anyway, I'll take the kids to school on my way to work, but my mom will pick them up and drop them off, I'm on a 24-hour. Okay?"

Carina nodded, she was frustrated that they weren't allowing her to handle drop-offs or pick-ups, but Amelia had suggested they hold off for a while just to make sure there was no underlying brain issues lurking. So, she was essentially a prisoner in her own home, not allowed to drive or go out unaccompanied.

"Okay babies, grab your lunches, get your backpacks, and get in the car! We gotta go." Maya pushed back from the table, gathering plates as she moved.

"Leave them, I'll take care of it," Carina said firmly enough that Maya immediately put the plates down with a nod. They shared a small smile as the kids reappeared to give Carina goodbye hugs.

"If you need anything, you can call me – either at work or the station. Station 13, I left the number on the fridge. My work cell is on there, too, in extreme emergencies. Or you can call my mom. She's off today."

Carina nodded, "I'm sure I'll be fine. I have CBT over Zoom today so that should take up a good portion of my day, just with the appointment itself and the exhaustion after."

Maya nodded knowingly,"Make sure you drink plenty of water. And eat something!"

Carina laughed, "Okay, Battalion Chief," she joked trying to ignore the way Maya's eyes darkened in response to the use of her rank. "Be safe," she smiled.

Maya returned her smile. "I'll see you in the morning," Maya said heading for the door. "My mom will handle the school run in the morning because I won't be back in time. Have a good therapy session."

And with that, she was out the door. It felt so normal. To an onlooker, aside from the lack of goodbye kiss, nobody would know they weren't a family anymore. Nobody would suspect there was anything awry. But Carina knew better – everything was awry.

Chapter Text

With Maya still at work and Katherine due to pick the children up, Carina was in charge of breakfast. Finally. She whipped up a frittata she knew they loved as babies and lined their lunches up on the counter while they ate. "Grandma will be here soon, tesori. Make sure you have everything you need."

Just as they did every morning – they exchanged hugs and kisses before running out the door. Carina made quick work of the kitchen clean-up and started preparing a lasagna for dinner. She knew it was the only way to prevent Maya from taking over the kitchen come dinner time.

Speak of the devil… she thought as she heard the front door open and close. Considering she was coming off a 24-hour shift, Carina thought Maya looked great.

"Morning," they greeted at the same time and shared a small laugh. Without the kids as a buffer, things felt a little awkward between them. The Maya that Carina knew was affectionate, touch had always been such an important part of their relationship. She doesn't have the right to that part of Maya now, but her body doesn't know that and she constantly longs to be closer.

"I saved you some frittata," Carina said breaking the silence, "It wasn't easy, I had to battle against the bambini, they were already two forks deep."

Maya laughed. "How was your appointment?"

Carina nodded, setting a plate on the table for Maya. "It was good. Tiring. I take it you don't want coffee, but can I get you some orange juice?"

"Please," she said with a small smile.

"I haven't had any flashes of memory so the focus is on learning to live without those memories."

Maya's eyes widened, "What, like not even trying to get them back?"

Carina shrugged. "The stress of trying is too much, the therapist thinks focusing elsewhere would be more beneficial. It gives me coping mechanisms and if they come, they come. Nothing I can do will bring them back."

"Hm," Maya said with a nod, "I'm sorry, this must be really hard for you."

"I know it's hard for you, too," Carina sighed. "You remember all the awful things that happened, but you're here to help despite that and I just don't remember any of it. I don't even know what your life looks like now, aside from being Battalion Chief. How is that?"

"It's good," she said with a casual shrug that Carina recognized as a lie. "Now," she paused, clearly deciding whether she wanted to share more with her. Carina could understand the hesitance, but just like Carina recognized this Maya as hers, Maya also recognized this Carina as the Carina she had always known, which meant that she could read every emotion that flickered across her face. Since she intensified her therapy sessions following the divorce, it was even harder for her to hide her emotions.

"Jack and Andy are both Captains now and they're in my district, so that along with 19, well, it was a challenge when I was first promoted. It's fine now, I chose to act professionally despite everything that's happened and because I'm their boss they followed my lead. I just keep it all business with them."

Carina could see the sadness in Maya's eyes and she didn't need to have her memories to know that she was the cause of all of the bad things that had happened in Maya's life in the last two years. How is she still standing after all that? Carina briefly wondered how she would have felt if Maya had kicked her out and alienated her from the only family she had really known. It would have broken her – if she left the house hopeful and was delivered news she could never go home. They had bought this house together, decorated it together, filled it with love together, and then one morning, Maya left for work and lost what had been her safest space.

If Amelia and Teddy were to then turn their backs on her. It's so cruel. The cruelty shouldn't come as a surprise, 19 did have a history of that when it came to Maya. She was never given the benefit of the doubt. Carina shook her head, trying to shut out the memory of how supportive Maya had been as Andy's marriage crumbled. Who was she to talk when she had apparently done precisely the same thing?

"I'm glad you found a balance," Carina tried to smile, but her effort fell flat and she knew it. So, she tried for a joke instead. "You don't have any other children now, do you?"

Maya choked on the forkful of egg in her mouth, hitting her chest with her fist to dislodge it. She shook her head as she gulped down some of her orange juice to ease the frittata home. "No! God, no."

"Okay, okay," Carina said holding her hands up, "I just, we were talking about a third and I'm the one that ended that conversation."

"It was probably for the best, all things considered."

"Well, neither of us knew then that I was going to lose my mind," Carina said with a laugh.

Maya didn't laugh. "You were working a lot, and I guess I could feel the distance between us. It was starting to feel too big. Like you were pulling away from me. It's not a good reason to have a child, but I was desperate to pull you back home."

"Spending so much time at work," Carina shook her head, "I know research projects can be time consuming, but if it was impacting our relationship. If I wasn't sleeping or taking care of myself, those are glaring red flags. I don't understand why I wouldn't have worked harder to fix things."

They sat in silence as Maya finished eating breakfast and started to clear her dishes away.

"Was there anything else going on at the time? Aside from spending all my time at work?"

Maya closed her eyes, forcing herself to look back despite how painful it was. "I guess you were pretty irritable with me. I just assumed it was because you were focused on your research and I was asking for your time. We hadn't had sex for months, we had slept in the same bed maybe twice in three months. There were times you would come home and just go straight to the guest room."

It hurt to hear. It was painful to know because Carina couldn't recognize herself in any of it. It was so far removed from who she was as a person. No relationship is perfect, they had both hurt each other over the years. But they were always big enough to recognize the misstep and make up for it. Pre-amnesia Carina seemed hellbent on going out of her way to inflict harm. Why?

When Carina didn't respond she felt Maya's hand on her shoulder, offering a gentle squeeze. "I'm going to get some sleep." and with that, she was gone.

~~~

There was one avenue Carina hadn't gone down yet – one person who might be able to help fill in some blanks. The divorce lawyer. She made contact via email, briefly explaining the situation she found herself in and wondering if he knew any of the details. The lawyer remembered the case and agreed to a phone call since she couldn't travel to the office in person.

"I know I agreed to speak to you, and I do remember your case, but because it was a no-contest divorce and your ex-wife didn't fight it, there was no need for any real detail beyond you telling me it was irreconcilable differences. You were fairly insistent that there was no hope to save the marriage."

Carina sighed, thanking him for the phone call. "Is there anything else you might remember that could help? I went through the paperwork, but it didn't give anything away."

"I'm afraid not. You wanted me to complete the process as quickly as possible, you weren't interested in fighting about property or custody. You just wanted it to be done. And your wife didn't want to fight either, she signed the home over to you, took her car, and that was it."

And with that, her last hope was dashed.

~~~

When Carina had suggested a movie night, the kids had jumped at the chance to cuddle up with Mama on the couch. Maya had run to the store to buy everyone's favorite snacks and the kids chose a selection of films.

Maya had always been health conscious, and that didn't simply go away just because she went to therapy to deal with her father's abuse. She didn't apply the same strict rules to the children. While she encouraged them to make healthy decisions, like blueberry pancakes instead of bacon bits, she knew how to provide them with balance. Still, Carina would have always considered Maya as the strict one when it came to the children's dietary decisions. So, when she walked in with chocolate milk and soda on top of the requested treats, she wondered if it was because she had softened in the last few years or if it was because of the current stress. Based on the children's reaction, she suspected it was the latter.

"What are we watching?" she asked, handing out everyone's treats before fetching cups from the kitchen to pour drinks. She didn't ask, she automatically poured herself and Elia chocolate milk and poured soda for Carina and Tori. So it wasn't just their physical appearance that was similar, they shared taste in drinks, too. Although, Carina was slightly taken aback by the fact that Tori had tasted soda at all.

"Lilo and Stitch!" Elia said jumping up and down.

"Oh, a classic!" Maya said with a smile, settling at the opposite end of the couch from Carina. Elia launched himself at Maya, offering her a hug before he sat in her lap. Carina tried not to stare, but it was so hard not to look. Elia was Maya's mini-me. His hair was darker than hers, but light enough to pass as blond. He had her eyes, the cleft chin, and a giant dimpled grin. They definitely used a sperm donor, but it clearly had no influence because as much as Elia was Maya's mini-mi, Tori was Carina's. The nose and chin, the eyes, and the attitude as well. Tori started the movie sitting next to Carina leaning her weight against her, but as it continued, she crawled into her lap for cuddles.

While Tori managed to stay awake to enjoy the entirety of the movie, Elia was out cold long before the credits rolled. Maya wrapped him in her arms and pressed a kiss to his forehead, "I'll put him to bed," she smiled, detouring briefly to press a kiss to Tori's forehead. They whispered with each other, but Carina couldn't be sure what they said. It didn't sound like English or Italian.

Carina gave Maya time to deal with teeth brushing and face washing before she carried Tori through to the bathroom to do the same. By the time she tucked her under the covers, Maya appeared at the door. Elia fell asleep the moment his head hit the pillow, there was no need for bedtime stories. "I didn't mean to interrupt, I just wanted to say goodnight."

Carina nodded, stepping aside. Maya smiled as she leaned in to give Tori a goodnight hug, her little arms wrapping tightly around her Mommy's neck. "I love you, baby, have sweet dreams," she said peppering kisses over her face to giggles. "Maybe if you ask nicely, Mama will read you two bedtime stories." Tori giggled. "Sleep sweet, baby" Maya said when she reached the door.

~~~

The only difference between this movie night and their movie nights of old was their proximity to each other. The old Maya and Carina would have been so close on the couch they would have been touching. They would have been so close that Tori and Elia would have had to arrange their bodies carefully to avoid kicking each other from their laps. The absence of that was painful – it was painful for Carina who knew no different and it was painful for Maya who missed those moments so desperately.

She retreated to the guest room as soon as she said good night to Tori. She prepared for bed in the ensuite and climbed into bed. There was no way she was going to take the risk of being alone with Carina after such a warm evening. It felt too good to risk it.

When her phone rang and Rachel's name appeared on the display, she made a quick decision to ignore it, rolling onto her side to instead think back on the night she'd had with her family. Family. Maya closed her eyes. Family. Regardless of the last two years, she still felt like Carina was family. She always would be, no matter what happened because they had created two incredible little beings together. She sighed as her phone rang again, ready to answer and explain to Rachel that she was getting an early night, she was surprised to see it was work.

A 3-alarm climbing to 4. She leapt out of bed, grabbing her work bag and raced to the front door.

~~~

It wasn't lost on Carina, how quickly Maya disappeared into the safety of the guest room. She wasn't sure whether she should take it personally or not, and as soon as she felt herself spiraling she reminded herself what Amelia had said. This is hard, it's difficult for all of them. As much as she longs to be around Maya, she has to remember that Maya is heartbroken and it's because of her. Maya doesn't owe her a single thing, but she's still here willing to support her through this. That is what she chose to hold onto.

She also had Amelia and Teddy. She could see the uptick in texts from both, and she knew exactly what they were doing, but she appreciated it. It was nice to know she had so much support. But, that was just another reminder of Maya's lack of support. That was driving the majority of Carina's guilt. She broke her heart and she left her with nothing. As though she wanted to ruin her.

~~~

With her hand on the front door, Maya realized she would need to tell Carina she was leaving. Awkward. She ran back upstairs and quietly knocked on her door, pushing it open when she heard Carina invite her in.

"Hey, I have to go to work. There's a 3-alarm, but they think it's growing. I don't know how long I'll be, but fingers crossed I'm home in time for Tori's game. I'll see you later," she whispered as she closed the door, not waiting for a response.

Home. They both noticed Maya's use of the word.

~~~

When Maya arrived on site, she quickly got to grips with the scene unfolding in front of her and took command from Captain Taylor of Station 15, sending him to lead elsewhere. The biggest danger was toxic fumes – it was a junkyard fire, so there was no need to search and rescue for potential victims. That didn't make it less dangerous. Though there was no one on the property, the fumes were threatening a neighboring residential area. They had already called for an evacuation, and she knew PD was enforcing it now.

Her focus was on controlling the scene and dousing the fire before it could continue to spread. 30 engines. That's what it took to get it under control. 30 engines and over 150 firefighters. And Maya was in control of all of them. She still felt the rush that came with commanding a scene – and no firegasm was greater than the one that came from fighting a big fire. It was the one place she felt fully in control. That might be something to address in therapy.

~~~

The moment Maya closed her bedroom door, Carina was seized with worry. The knowledge that Maya would likely be the one calling the shots did little to ease her concern. This was an unwelcome reminder of what loving a firefighter meant. Love. She hadn't thought about it much, but she did – she did love Maya. Whatever happened, whatever reasons she had for ending the marriage, she might not remember, but she still felt that emotion when she looked at Maya. Whether she was making breakfast, doing science experiments with the kids or kicking the ball around. It was so big it felt overwhelming. And, if that feeling was gone at any point, Carina was convinced she wouldn't feel it when looking at her ex-wife.

A few days prior, she had poured herself a glass of wine. One of her favorites and the moment it touched her lips she made a face. It was awful. Maya explained that she had overdone it with that same wine and hadn't touched it since. Maya told her about the barbecue they had attended at the Bailey-Warrens and how she offered to be the designated driver since she was working the next day. Carina took that offer to heart and decided to go for it, especially because the kids were with Katherine. Even after Maya filled in the blanks, she couldn't remember anything about that night, but her body remembered the taste of that wine and immediately rejected it. So, if it remembered her experience with that wine, it should remember if she had fallen out of love with Maya. Simple.

She shook her head – she couldn't believe she'd ruined one of her favorite wines. Rookie mistake.

Carina was well aware of Maya's therapy journey, but even still, with everything she knew about the last few years, she didn't expect her to be as open as she had been. She hadn't shied away from answering any of Carina's questions, and while there were moments she could see her trying to compose herself, she was willing to put herself back in what must have been one of the most painful periods of her life.

Why?

What a stupid fucking question. She knew why.

Chapter Text

She smiled as she worked on the incident report. She had taken a shower, but even after two hair washes and a fresh change of clothes, she could still smell the toxic stench on her skin.

When someone knocked at her door, she waited to finish typing her sentence before looking up. It was probably Bartlett, 13's Captain, trying to send her home. She had been Maya's Lieutenant during her Captaincy at 13, and she had been delighted to hand her the reins when she moved up the ladder again.

Maya's eyes widened as she turned her head to see Andy standing in the doorway of her office.

"Hey," Andy was the one to break the silence.

"Um," Maya hesitated, "I'm sorry, Captain Herrera, did we have a meeting scheduled?" she asked, furiously checking her appointments.

Andy shook her head, sitting in the chair across from Maya's desk. "No, I'm not here as Captain Herrera."

Maya looked up in confusion, "Then who are you?" To others, it may have sounded like a harsh question, but her tone was one of genuine interest. As though this person wasn't one with whom she held a long, messy history.

"Just Andy."

Maya leaned back in her chair, watching Andy silently. Why now? Maya had worked so hard to get her life back on track, she was finally in a good place, and then Carina lost her memory and she was forced right back into all of those emotions. Now this?

"This is really awkward, I know," Andy admitted, deciding to toss the silence aside and just for it. "I'm not here for forgiveness or anything, but I heard about Carina. Jack told me. Jo," she said, as though that would explain everything, but Maya had no idea what she meant because Maya wasn't in the loop. Maya didn't have any loops. "He and Jo," Andy tried to explain, seeing the blank look on Maya's face. "Anyway, we were talking after inspection and I kind of realized the reality of how things went down." She shook her head, "We weren't fair to you, and it shouldn't have taken this long to see that, but when you transferred to 13 we took it as an admission of guilt. You never tried to defend yourself."

An admission of guilt. They had frozen her out. It wasn't just that nobody asked for her side of the story or even checked in to see if she was okay. It wasn't just that nobody was willing to offer her a place to sleep when she was suddenly homeless. It was the way they went silent on her at work, giving the bare minimum to avoid being pulled up for insubordination. They accepted orders, responded at calls, and beyond that, they acted as though she didn't exist. The room would go quiet when she walked into the beanery. Nobody appeared in her office to let her know when food was up.

They closed the door on her so firmly there was no room for argument. She never tried to defend herself because she knew nobody would give her the benefit of the doubt. What was her defense? I don't know what happened. She may have waited just three days to put in for transfer, but the team's behavior before she left told her it was clear she had made the right decision.

Maya desperately wanted to give Andy a piece of her mind, but she was Battalion Chief Bishop right now and doing so would be unprofessional. There was also part of her that wanted to put distance between them, Andy didn't deserve a piece of her mind. She didn't deserve access to her most painful emotions. She wasn't here to be a friend, she was her to assuage her guilt. Maya would be damned if she would break down just to make Andy feel better.

The last two years had been difficult, but those first months after Carina filed were unbearable. She was carrying so much and while Carina buried herself in research, Maya was trying to figure out how to succeed at work while raising two children with only her mom's support. That was when she needed her friends the most. She could have used an invite for drinks. She could have used help come moving day when instead she did it single-handedly. But no one was there then. Just like no one was there when she took her children home after finding out their mother had lost the last three years of her life. There was also the knowledge that, with the exception of Travis and Vic, none of the team seemed to stay in contact with Carina. So, they didn't just drop Maya, they were happy to let go of Tori and Elia as well.

The divorce was painful for the children, they were too young to understand what was happening. They just knew they were at home one day and the next they were staying at Grandma's while their mom slept on the couch. They didn't see their Mama at all, and they blamed Maya. That might have been even more difficult to process than everything else. They were angry, and all of that anger was aimed at Maya. Elia was only 3 and he took to throwing extreme tantrums so regularly Maya was concerned he'd need intensive therapy. Tori was 5, and while she was capable of understanding more, she made it clear that she thought Maya was keeping her from her Mama.

"I know I can't erase the last two years. But, I just. I wanted you to know I can be an ear if you need one."

Maya wasn't sure what to say. She could see Andy was waiting for a response, but she just didn't have one. She wanted out of this room. One of the biggest impulses she had squelched during therapy was the incessant need to run when things felt overwhelming. But she was overtaken with the compulsion right now.

"You can think about it, just, if you need someone to be dark and twisty with," Andy said, standing up and heading for the door.

"I need to get this incident report finished, and I don't want to miss Tori's game," Maya said simply, letting Andy walk out.

It was so tempting to take Andy up on her offer, but what message would that send? That she was so desperate for anyone to be on her side that she would ignore two years of mistreatment and go running back? I mean, what message did it send that she started dating the first person who was willing to listen to her side of the story. There's something else to address in therapy. The list was growing so rapidly she might need a double session. For the foreseeable future. Rachel was nice, but she knew when she crossed the line it was a mistake. It was why she hadn't slept with her. But she couldn't bring herself to let go because letting go of that relationship meant the end of the only friendship she had. Literally. One friend. Great, something else for therapy.

~~~

Maya didn't make it home in time to travel to Tori's game with everyone else, but she did have time to shower (again) and change before heading to the field. Maya encouraged Tori to pursue her interests, and while there was secretly a part of her that hoped she might show an interest in track and field, Tori's heart was dedicated to soccer. It wasn't that much of a surprise. After all, she was Italian. Maya didn't play as a child, but it was a sport she enjoyed watching and Tori showed a keen interest in joining her, even as a baby. They didn't attend Reign games as often as she would have liked, but she tried to take the kids to at least a few games a season.

Elia wasn't particularly interested in playing sports, at least not yet. He did join a t-ball team, but it remained to be seen whether he would join little league. While he enjoyed running around outside, his focus was more likely to surface when there were bricks to build with. And though Maya had taken him to see the Mariners, he was more interested in the snacks than the game.

Maya scanned the crowd and made her way to join the rest of her family in the stands. She handed Elia a corn dog, passed hot dogs to her mom and Carina, and sat down with her nachos. She briefly wondered if the other parents were judging them. They weren't particularly friendly with many of the team parents, but she knew everyone was aware of the divorce. It would have impossible to miss the fact that Carina and Elia would sit together every match and Maya would stay out of view.

"How was work, sweetie?" Katherine asked before taking a bite out of her hot dog.

Maya shrugged, "Pretty good, junkyard fire. It was a big one, we had to evacuate the neighborhood because of the fumes. It took 30 engines to drown it."

"Wow," Katherine's eyes widened. "Who knew a junkyard could be such a fire hazard."

"Me," Maya said scooping extra cheese onto the chip in her hand. "I knew," she said it with a shrug, but her tone was so matter-of-fact it drew a laugh from both Katherine and Carina.

"I'll trade you a bite of my hot dog for two of your nachos," Carina proffered.

Maya glanced at her sidelong before nodding in agreement. When Carina held her hotdog up for Maya to take a bite she briefly bit her lip, willing herself to keep her blush in check. She pushed past the hesitation and took a large bite as she maintained eye contact with Carina, it was enough to elicit a gasp. "That was more than two nachos worth!" she said, deeply offended at the way this deal appeared to be panning out for her.

Maya laughed with a shrug, holding her nachos out to complete the trade. She didn't even put up a fight when Carina helped herself to four. "You should be more clear with your trade conditions before you hand over the goods," she said with a wink, and she wished she could take the wink back. Idiot.

Carina blushed, very much appreciative of the playful wink Maya had just directed at her.

Katherine popped the cooler open and handed out drinks, resisting the urge to comment on the exchange between the two. Katherine had been there as their marriage broke down, she had seen the devastation in the aftermath, she had dealt with the new Carina during drop-offs. She would always love Carina, she still viewed her as her daughter. But, there had been a distinct change in her behavior even before the divorce. Katherine saw it, even though she didn't comment on it. And even though Carina had suggested she play the role of go-between, she didn't extend the warmth to Katherine as she had previously. She could understand it to an extent. Almost. But this Carina was the one her daughter had fallen in love with. This was the Carina she got to know, the one who she had watched take on the world with her daughter. It gave her hope.

As Carina watched a practiced routine unfold, it made her wonder how they used to approach days like this. If she and Maya hadn't seen each other in so long, why did it all feel so natural?

"How did we used to do this?" she couldn't resist asking the question, even though she knew she might not like the answer.

"What do you mean?" Maya asked, a confused look on her face.

"Match days. Did we take turns coming to avoid each other?"

"Oh," Maya hesitated and Carina's stomach sank. This was about to be an upsetting blow, she could feel it. "Um, no, we would both come." Carina could tell she was holding back to save her.

"But?"

Maya shrugged, her ears slightly red. "I would just stay out of your way. I'd arrive as close to kickoff as possible and usually leave a little early."

Carina sighed. She really hated pre-amnesia Carina. It wasn't just the idea that it hurt Maya, but it must have hurt Tori in equal measure that her mom was never there to celebrate at the end of her games. She had essentially relegated Maya to sneaking in and out of her only daughter's match days. What a stronza.

~~~

"Katherine."

"Yes, dear?"

"Can I ask you something?" Carina had exhausted every other line of inquiry, but it occurred to her that this was someone who had been around the whole time, probably closer than anyone. And when Maya took Elia for a walk at half-time, she thought it was the perfect opportunity to see if she could find answers.

"I don't know how much Maya has told you, but I'm trying to fill in the blanks. Nobody knows anything, not even my divorce lawyer. Can…" she sighed, "Did you notice any changes in me? Was I different before I filed for divorce?"

Katherine took a deep breath. "I saw the change in you after, and I saw some change before, too, but I wasn't seeing you much at that point. You were tied up at work a lot. I just put it down to that, but yes, I saw a change. You have always been so warm and welcoming with me, and that stopped after the divorce. You were never rude, but you weren't warm. Almost like a stranger."

"Did I show signs of irritability? Mood swings? Was I… manic? Or did I seem depressed?"

Katherine shrugged, "Honestly, dear, I didn't see you enough. Maya had mentioned you were snappy with her, she was worried you were stressed out and overtired, but I don't know much more than that."

Carina sighed. "I don't think I'm ever going to remember."

"Last year, when Maya got injured. You didn't want to visit her, but I could see you cared. I don't know whether that care extended beyond the mother of your children fighting for her life in the hospital or if there was more, but I could see pain in your eyes. It was the most emotion I had seen from you in a long time."

"Fighting for her life? She told me it wasn't that bad."

Katherine laughed bitterly, "Maya would, wouldn't she?"

Carina nodded. She would.

"The list of injuries doesn't sound all that bad, at least, not when she talks about them now because she is clearly healed. But, she was unconscious for a few days and when she woke up, she couldn't remember anything. I think maybe four days? The kids didn't see her for a week because it was, it would have been too much. And when she was released from the hospital," Katherine took a deep breath, "I stayed over when the kids were there and she was having nightmares. Nightly. She had to up her therapy sessions, she was having three a week for at least a month. At that point, she had only needed one a month, like now. So, for that level of increase and for her to be the one pushing it. She had a hard time."

"I wish I could figure out what the hell happened."

"I hope you do," she said earnestly.

Carina sighed, "The likelihood is I won't ever remember, and right now, I'm trying to get comfortable with that. What I'm struggling with is accepting how much pain I caused Maya, and not knowing why. I'm having blood and urine tests done to rule out a range of different things."

"Maya mentioned you suspect bipolar."

"Yes, it was Amelia who brought it up really" she nodded, "but, it is why I'd like to have everything else ruled out."

Katherine nodded, giving her hand a squeeze. "I hope Maya isn't giving you a hard time."

Carina laughed, "I almost wish she was, but no, she's been beyond perfect. I know how hard this must be for her, but she's been so willing to answer my questions. I try to keep them limited to the kids because I don't want to drag it all up for her, but it seems like I shut down with everyone, I didn't tell anyone anything about what was going on."

"Would you have reached out to your father? If you suspected bipolar then and withdrew intentionally?"

"I didn't see any sign of correspondence with him when I looked through my phone. I don't think it's worth the risk to reach out."

Katherine nodded knowingly, clearing her throat to warn Carina that Maya and Elia were approaching. She laughed when she spotted a large stick of cotton candy in Elia's hand. Before he could rejoin Katherine, Maya tore a piece off and quickly stuffed it in her mouth with an innocent look on her face as Elia looked up with wide eyes and an open mouth. "Mommy!"

"What? I bought it!"

Elia laughed and nodded, running to settle between Katherine and Carina with his cotton candy safe from Maya's grasp. For now.

"You're telling me you went to the concession stand and bought Elia cotton candy, and didn't get yourself even a little snack? After working all night and having no time to nap?" Carina had a smirk on her face and Maya scoffed, dipping into her pocket to produce her haul.

"I'll let you have first pick," she said holding her hands out.

Carina smiled. This is what she had missed since her accident. This is what she had longed for with Maya, the fun side of Maya. It had all been so polite and sterile at home for the most part. Carina understood why, but this new scenery was helping. She perused the offering in Maya's hands – Junior mints, Red Vines, Peanut M&Ms, and Skittles. She chose M&M's, knowing how much Maya loved the others and how infrequently she treated herself to sweets.

"Mom, I got you Cracker Jacks," she slipped them out of her other pocket and tossed them.

Katherine smiled in thanks.

It was no surprise to Carina that Maya started with the Junior mints. Mint chocolate was one of her greatest weaknesses.

"I can't believe how good she is," it was barely above a whisper, but Maya turned to look at Carina with a smile. "Good?" Maya laughed, "She's great, and she loves it." Carina could see how proud she was, just like she could see how much fun Tori was having. That was at least one thing that hadn't changed. She hadn't scored any goals herself, but she had created several chances and had assisted the only goal of the match.

"She's going to play for Italy," Carina said with a grin.

Maya's head whipped around so fast Carina worried it might fall off. "Oh no she isn't, she's USWNT or bust."

Carina loved that she could still get a rise out of Maya, she knew that would do it. She just smirked and Maya grumbled, realizing that she'd fallen for it. Carina bumped her shoulder with hers and Maya rolled her eyes, but had a small smile on her face. That's progress.

~~~

The kids raced inside, while Katherine and Carina said goodbye. Maya unloaded Carina's SUV in the driveway before reversing it into the garage. Once she took everything inside, she reversed her own vehicle into the driveway and jogged over to hug her mom goodbye, telling her she'd text the schedule for the week later.

"What the fuck," Maya said under her breath as she noticed Rachel's car pull into the space her mom had just left. Carina's eyes widened.

"Good luck," she whispered, immediately heading inside.

"What are you doing here?" Maya asked approaching the car before she could get out, "This isn't appropriate, Rachel."

"You haven't been answering my calls, Maya, I thought I would come see what's going on."

Maya sighed, "I got called into work last night, I had just enough time to shower and get to Tori's game. You can't be here, the kids are here."

Rachel sighed, "So, you're just never going to introduce us?"

"Rachel."

"We haven't even slept together yet," Rachel said with a sigh, repeating the phrase Maya had used over and over as a means to downplay the relationship. "I'm starting to think that's so you can avoid introducing me to your kids."

Maya stood with her hands on her hips, her head hanging. "I don't think I was ready for a relationship. The lines between friendship and more were blurred," she confessed.

Rachel nodded. "I get it. You're still in love with your ex-wife, and now she's in front of your face every day. This is exactly what I was afraid of, but I get it."

Maya closed her eyes, there was guilt, sure, but again, the reminder that she wasn't just ending a romantic relationship, but losing the only friend she had. "I'm sorry."

"If I could turn back time, I wouldn't have kissed you," she admitted. "You needed a friend more than anything, and you're right, we did let the lines blur. I really hope you find a friend soon," she said with a sigh, "But it can't be me."

"I know," Maya nodded, "I understand." She stood there in her thoughts long after Rachel pulled away and once again, Maya had her children and her career, and nobody else. Andy's offer was starting to sound more attractive, at least she knew Andy wouldn't try to put lips on her.

~~~

There was no sign of Carina or the kids when Maya walked into the house. So, she took that as her chance to take a nap, slipping into the guest room and into shorts and a sports bra. She managed to get four hours in before Elia's screams woke her from a dead sleep. Leaping from the bed, she raced into the hall and towards the screams only to find Elia happily playing a video game in the living room. She let out a sigh of relief, holding her hand to her chest.

"I didn't realize you were home," Carina said looking up from her book to see Maya panting at the edge of the living room.

"I was taking a nap. My sleeping brain did not accurately interpret the screams and I panicked."

"Dio mio," she said trying not to laugh. "I'm really sorry."

Maya shook her head, "It's fine, I didn't expect to get four hours so I can't complain. Well, I can complain about the alarm – not my first choice."

"I just assumed you went out." Maya heard the end of the sentence even if Carina chose not to speak it in front of Elia. With Rachel.

"Nobody was around when I came in so I took the chance to nap. Where's Tori?"

"She went to have a sleepover with some of the girls from the team. They were having a team pizza party, and then going to," she sighed, "I can't remember her name. Miranda's?"

"Melissa?"

"That's the one," she said with a snap of her fingers.

Maya nodded, "I'm going to get a shirt," she said realizing she was standing there in a sports bra. Though, she had nothing to be ashamed of. With no friends to speak of, she had a lot of time to spend working out and she was more defined than ever. And Carina appreciated the opportunity to take it in.

When she returned she took up residence on the opposite end of the couch, as always.

"I was thinking since Tori is having a pizza party maybe we could, too," Carina suggested.

Maya nodded, "Sure, maybe we could really treat ourselves and get one with pineapple," she joked.

"Very funny."

"What if, in the last three years, our children developed a taste for pineapple on pizza?"

Carina gasped, "I would ask how they tasted pineapple on pizza."

"Well, I have always found that offensive, long before I met you, so you couldn't blame me. But, I can't control what pizza toppings my mom orders, and Tori does go to a lot of soccer pizza parties, so who can really know what they taste where," she said with a shrug.

Carina turned to face Maya fully. "Maya. Are you telling me that one of our children likes pineapple on pizza?"

Maya nodded.

Carina's hand covered her mouth. "Tradimento."

"Betrayal, indeed. It will hurt much more when you find out which one because you can't blame it on my genes."

Carina's eyes widened, "Vittoria, no!"

Maya laughed. "I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news."

"No. It's okay," she said with a shrug, "If you aren't prepared for your children to be their own people you shouldn't have children, and sadly, that includes pineapple on pizza."

Maya pursed her lips trying not to laugh.

"As long as it isn't in my house," she added.

Elia paused his game to turn and laugh, "Mama, you order it for her now."

"Che Cosa?!"

Elia giggled, "Tori gets ham and pineapple, I get boscaiola, and you always order proscuitto e funghi!"

"What about Mommy?"

Elia paused, putting his finger on his chin as if to think for a moment, "Capricciosa!"

"Well, it's good to know the rest of us still have taste."

Maya smiled, "And that is how I know Vittoria DeLuca-Bishop will be playing for the US." Carina hated how smug she looked, but she also knew she was right. Even at four, Tori had always expressed the desire to turn out for the US because her Mommy had represented the US at the Olympics.

Carina rolled her eyes, "I'm going to go order the pizza, and if Elia was wrong about the capricciosa, that's tough for you."

Maya laughed, "He wasn't," she resisted the urge to watch Carina walk away and shifted her gaze to her son, "Do you want to put a movie on, baby?"

Elia nodded, saving his game and powering the system down before turning his attention to choosing a film.

"Nothing that makes me cry."

"No Pixar movies," he nodded knowingly. She furrowed her brow when he chose The Sound of Music. She certainly had never watched it with him, and she wasn't sure it would hold his attention, but hey, if that's what he wanted.

When Carina returned she too raised an eyebrow at his choice, the title card paused on the television. "This is an interesting choice, cocco."

He nodded, climbing onto the couch, laying his head in Maya's lap and his feet on Carina's lap. "I saw it at the Warren's, it was fun."

Maya and Carina exchanged baffled looks with a shrug.

~~~

She decided to take a chance. Instead of slipping off to bed as soon as she put Elia to bed, Maya chose to return to the couch, stopping off via the kitchen to grab a drink. She sensed Carina had questions on her mind, she assumed they were Rachel related. Pre-amnesia Carina knew about Rachel, although Maya wasn't particularly sure how she knew, but she knew she knew. And, she knew she knew she knew. It was something that gave Maya pause, that Carina didn't want to see her, but did want to keep tabs on her on some level.

Carina sighed, "You can tell me to mind my own business if you want," she started the moment Maya sat back down on the couch, "but I know pre-amnesia Carina knew. Have you been seeing each other long?"

Maya shook her head, "A couple months. She never met the kids, I know that's what you really want to know. I um, I didn't even really know that she knew where you lived. But I told her showing up wasn't appropriate, it's just that I ignored her calls last night and I forgot to tell her I was at a scene all night, and then the game. I guess she was worried or whatever."

"How did I find out?"

Maya shrugged, "I have no idea, it was Rachel who told me you knew, you never brought it up with me. I guess you trusted that I wouldn't involve the kids without speaking to you, which is true, I wouldn't."

"Is it serious?"

Maya laughed, "Well, considering we just broke up I'm going to go with no."

"Oh. I take it that's another thing to add to the list of things that are my fault?"

Maya shrugged, "I guess in a way it traces back to you. I just wasn't ready for a relationship that's all. We were friends first, and I think things got confused for a bit."

"Sometimes the need for sex overwhelms common sense."

Maya winced. She had already shared far more than she had intended to, she wasn't sure if she wanted to admit that she never had sex with Rachel. Although, admitting that doesn't mean admitting to being celibate since they split up. In for a penny… "Oh, we never had sex," she opened her mouth to share that information willingly and yet, the moment it left her lips she wished she could reel it back in. What a fucking moron. She knew was playing a dangerous game. She was essentially dangling the line for Carina, despite the fact that Carina broke her heart so violently she hadn't had sex in over two years.

Maya thought back to the days where she eschewed relationships and while she was doing the same again, this time it was for wildly different reasons. Monogamy is for the very, very dedicated and Maya Bishop was very, very dedicated. So dedicated, in fact, that she was incapable of dedicating herself to anyone who wasn't Carina DeLuca. Even if it was for just a night. She was going to die alone.

"You dated her for two months and didn't have sex?" Carina was incredulous.

Maya nodded to confirm she had heard correctly, "We did barely more than kiss." Shut the fuck up, dude, you have said enough. What the hell?

Carina hesitated. "I don't understand. Were you not dating exclusively? "

"Um, yeah. I mean, I guess I was, she could have been seeing other people, I suppose, but I don't think so. I never asked."

"That's a long time without sex."

Maya's cheeks were on fire, but not just her cheeks – if a full-body blush was possible, she was in one right now. Consumed by a red cloud that had settled over the entirety of her body, she chose not to respond to Carina's statement because what can you say to that? Two months is a long time without sex for them, but over two years was a secret she wanted to take to the grave. It also made her wonder who Carina was having sex with. She didn't believe she'd been celibate, but she hadn't heard any rumblings from any quarters about her being in a relationship. Granted, after the split, she was so caught up in work, there probably wasn't time for sex with anyone but herself. But, after that? She couldn't imagine that she wasn't having casual sex.

"We didn't ever go a week without, except for after the babies were born."

Maya nodded because it was true, they found time for quickies even when the kids were small. "It had been a while before we split up."

"Oh," Carina nodded, "I guess that makes sense." Even though it made sense it made her feel deeply uncomfortable to think that one day they had sex and neither knew it would be the last time. "How long?"

Maya sighed, "Three or four months, I think. When your research project started basically."

Carina had more questions, but she saw the slump of Maya's shoulders and the slight frown. "Stupid research project," she mumbled, which drew a laugh from Maya. "Um, Maya, what was I researching?"

Maya shrugged, "You didn't tell me. I guess that should have been the first red flag because when have you ever shied away from sharing your research?"

Carina nodded. "Did I publish?"

"Maybe Amelia could tell you, I honestly don't know."

She couldn't be sure, but Carina felt like she had just uncovered new hope.

Chapter Text

Her research project seemed like the perfect place to dig into her past – first of all, what was the topic and how good was it? Nobody had mentioned any awards, so it couldn't have been great. More importantly, what could her notes tell her about that period of her life? From Maya's perspective, that research project was the beginning of the end. The one thing she couldn't make sense of was telling Maya she didn't ever want to see her again after the project was done. Unless she had uncovered something – maybe pre-amnesia Carina did know something about her mental health.

Amelia was only too happy to help Carina find her notes, informing her that she had never shared the subject of her study nor had she ever published the results. That was of great concern, was it because it tanked or it was awful? Why would she spend so much of her life researching something and allow it to destroy her marriage and then not even bother publishing it?

"I'm terrified what I'm going to find," Carina confessed.

"Have you had any memories resurface, even fuzzy ones?" Amelia asked, maintaining eye contact so Carina would feel compelled to tell the truth.

"No, I haven't, but when Maya and I were talking she mentioned that we had stopped having sex basically as soon as my project started. So, three or four months. We didn't have big sexless stretches, so that was a major red flag. But when she said I had never told her what I was researching, that was another big red flag. Maybe I'm delusional, I just feel like this might be the answer to everything."

Amelia nodded, "Okay, we'll start in your office. That's where a normal person would store research, right?"

"Yes," Carina agreed, "But if it as we suspect, I might not have been thinking clearly."

"Sure, but we'll start there and see how it goes."

They searched in silence for a while, each taking a filing cabinet and working through.

"Maya and Rachel broke up." She announced it as though it was a statistic she'd heard on the news that morning.

Amelia's eyebrows shot up, her eyes wide, "Oh yeah?"

Carina nodded, "And they never had sex," she shared in barely a whisper.

"Maya told you that?"

Carina nodded again, "She did, I mean, I could see it on her face after the fact that she wished she hadn't, but she did."

Amelia hummed thoughtfully.

"Wait, am I seeing anyone?" Carina hadn't considered this, but then again, there was no evidence of that in her phone. Not even a recent dirty photo.

"Not to my knowledge," Amelia shrugged, "You haven't mentioned dates or anything, you haven't even talked about sex. You got really boring."

Carina laughed. "I never talked enough about my sex life for your liking."

"You're right," Amelia agreed, "I wanted to know everything, and you didn't even give me crumbs. I don't know why you could never just admit Maya was the bottom, especially when it was so obvious." She paused for a moment, just in case Carina wanted to answer, before she decided to continue. "She's still in love with you." It wasn't a question, it was a statement of fact, and it was one that Amelia wanted to impress on Carina. "Be careful with her heart, Carina."

"Is there something you know?"

Amelia sighed, "There are lots of things I know, Carina. But they are all things I shouldn't know and I can't share. Things that need to come from Maya if she decides she wants to share them. Please just promise me you'll be careful." Amelia had seen Maya at Joe's countless evenings over the last year and a half, always on her own, always turning down any attention. She would sit for one drink, maybe two, and go home alone. That might not have seemed like a big deal to anyone else, but Amelia knew exactly what it meant. She knew Maya's secret, she was certain of that.

"I love her so much, Amelia," she sighed, closing one drawer and opening another. She recounted the story about the now disgusting wine and how her body just remembered. "My body only remembers love for Maya. That's why I need this research. I just don't believe that my Maya or this Maya could have done anything to deserve this."

Amelia nodded, moving onto the next drawer. "I don't want to be rude."

"But you're going to be anyway."

"Yes," she smirked "I noticed that your research notes are pretty well organized by date – but I am now going further back in time. So, where are your most recent research notes?"

"I already checked there, before I dragged you into the search. There is no sign of those research notes there. That's another point for me struggling with something – whether I misfiled them, was trying to hide them, or didn't know what I was doing. I don't know."

Amelia nodded, turning back to the drawer she had paused searching. "This entire drawer seems to be dedicated to orgasm research. Am I about to come across a picture of my beautiful tumor?" she asked with a smirk.

"Oh no, that is framed and hanging up in my home office," Carina joked.

"Wait," Amelia held a finger up, pushing files back. "What are these?" she asked, lifting a stack of notes from the bottom of the drawer. "Is that the best hiding place you could come up with?" she scoffed, "I'm glad you're not a criminal, you would shit it almost immediately."

Carina rolled her eyes, taking the top half of the stack from Amelia and flipping the first folder open. She gasped.

"What is it?"

"It's bipolar research – modafinil and bipolar."

"Modafinil? That's used for shift work sleep disorder," Amelia leaned over to get a better look at the notes. "You do shift work. Maybe you were having sleep issues."

"Modafinil can trigger manic episodes in people with bipolar disorder," Carina couldn't believe it.

"If you suspected, why wouldn't you say anything? You worked so hard to help Andrew."

Carina shook her head, "I don't know. But it's possible I was on modafinil and it triggered an episode I couldn't see through clearly enough?" She was still shaking her head in disbelief.

"The good news is, you can just call your doctor and find out whether you were prescribed modafinil."

"I can, but whether I was or not, these notes make it clear that I was taking it," she said pointing at the research notes. "I was my own test subject."

"What the fuck?"

"And if I was avoiding home when I knew Maya was there, and locked up here doing research, I could have quite easily hidden a manic episode. It could be why I withdrew from everyone. Manic episodes can last for months if you don't pursue treatment."

"Do you really think that's what happened?"

Carina held up the stack of research notes she'd been reviewing, "This tells me that's precisely what happened. I initiated a divorce in the middle of a fucking manic episode and gave up the research when I came out of it? Otherwise, I would have tried to publish it, right? But why didn't I pursue treatment at that point, I checked the house, there are no medications for bipolar."

"That's something else you can ask your doctor, Carina. Maybe you did seek treatment, and maybe you stopped taking your medication for some reason. It would explain the amnesia and it would explain the lack of medication."

"What a mess," she sighed. "All these years, Maya was terrified of turning into her father, but I was the one who was slowly evolving into mine. I even managed to destroy a marriage just like he did. Maybe worse actually. Brava Vincenza."

"Carina, if this is the explanation for everything, then there is always a chance for you and Maya."

~~~

Carina decided to follow Amelia's advice, reaching out to her doctor to find out about prescriptions. She wasn't sure whether the news she received was good or bad. Her doctor had put her on modafinil, and it did induce mania. But rather than taking steps to correct it, the doctor let her call the shots. She stopped taking the sleep medication, but she didn't pursue treatment for bipolar disorder while she was manic. When that manic episode finally came to an end, she did pursue care and she had been managing it well once they found the right treatment for her. The doctor confirmed she hadn't refilled her last prescription, which she immediately asked him to rectify.

She visited the pharmacy to collect her medication on her way home, and settled on the couch with all of her research notes. She plugged the memory stick into her laptop and propped it up on a cushion next to her. She only had a few hours before Maya arrived home with the kids, so if she wanted to get a handle on this before sitting down for a conversation, she would need to work quickly and efficiently.

She sighed as she saw her father's name appear several times throughout her work. While there was no evidence they had any recent contact, it was clear that they had been speaking during this project. Only a manic Carina would reach out to Vincenzo to discuss an illness he denied having. The thought of calling him made her stomach sink, but the further she delved into her research, the clearer it became – she would probably have to. She could speak to Gabri first, but her phone had shown no evidence that they had been in contact for quite some time. She wondered if that was another relationship her manic episode had ruined. She sighed and pulled her contact up on her phone hitting the call button before she could change her mind.

"Ciao," Carina started when the call was clearly picked up, but no greeting came.

"No, I am clearly dreaming because there is no way Carina DeLuca is calling me."

Her tone didn't sound harsh, but there were so many different ways Carina could take that statement and she wasn't sure how to determine which way she should. "Can you be more specific?" she asked in an almost shy voice.

"Are you kidding me? Carina? You told me if I couldn't accept your decisions that I should stop calling so I stopped calling."

"Please say more," Carina sighed, frustrated that she hadn't given in and called her sooner despite the apparent distance in their friendship.

"Are you trying to prank me, Carina? I'm not laughing."

"I have dissociative amnesia, Gabri, I can't remember the last three years."

Gabri laughed at that. Loudly. "You cannot be serious."

"Oh, but I am. It's been weeks and I haven't gotten my memory back. I was going through research notes and I just, I thought maybe you might know something because if you know something I don’t have to call Vincenzo to figure out what he knows."

Gabri sighed heavily. "I don't know a lot. I told you not to do anything stupid and the next thing I knew you filed for divorce. Maya called me distraught and you shut me out of the conversation altogether. Then she called me again, asking me to check in on you because you had told her you didn't want to see her again. She was worried about you. When I called, you got pissed, you accused me of taking Maya's side, and that was that."

"That was the last time we spoke?"

"You called after Maya was in an accident. You sobbed through several voicemails in the middle of the night. I might have saved them, they were amusing and heartbreaking all in one breath. I tried to call you back, but you didn't answer and you never called again."

Carina sighed, she wasn't sure what to say to that. It made her wish Gabri lived nearby, maybe if she was closer Maya would have had someone to turn to.

"How are the bambini?"

Carina sighed. "Good, they are… much older than I recall but things have settled. It's been a month or so now."

"A month? Okay, well I'm offended because you don't remember we had a falling out, but it took a month to call your best friend?"

Carina had the good sense to laugh at Gabri's joke before she sighed, "I could see from my call history and texts that we hadn't been in touch in a long time. I honestly wouldn't have called at all if I didn't think it could help me avoid Vincenzo. No offense."

"Oh, none taken obviously. And how is Maya? I take it you've seen her?"

"Apparently for the first time in almost two years, but yes, I've seen her. I've been seeing her."

"Seeing or seeing?"

"Seeing. She moved back in to help me settle. It has been very helpful, she's done most of the heavy lifting with the bambini."

"How magnanimous of her after what you did," she humphed.

"Yes, I'm awful, thank you, I know."

Gabri cackled.

"Can I call you again?" Carina asked, voice hopeful. "I really need to get back to my research notes, I don't have a lot of time before Maya and the kids will be home. I feel like I owe you a much longer conversation."

"You can call me whenever you want, for whatever you want."

~~~

"Honey, we're home," Tori shouted as she swung the front door open. Elia sped by, running to his bedroom to dump his backpack without so much as a hello. Followed by Tori, whose greeting at the front door was intended to suffice.

"Hey," Maya smiled, "What do you want for dinner? I didn't have anything planned, did you have something in mind?" When Carina didn't respond, Maya approached with caution, taking note of the files and papers spread out around her. "Carina?" she placed a hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay?"

Carina jumped, and when she turned to look at Maya, she had remnants of tears in her eyes. "What's going on?" Maya asked gently, unsure of how best to proceed.

She shook her head, "I learned so much today."

Maya glanced back at the mess, "Your research project?"

Carina nodded, her bottom lip starting to quiver.

"Okay, well, we can either talk about it once the kids are in bed. Or, we can call my mom and ask her to take them for the night. Which would you prefer?"

Carina shrugged, which was enough of a response to make the decision for Maya. She immediately called her mom, asking if she could drop the kids off within the hour. She squeezed Carina's shoulder, and disappeared to deal with the children. Within half an hour, they had bags packed for the night and everything they needed for the following school day.

Carina was catatonic on the couch, so Maya didn't bother to send the kids to say goodnight. Her concern was getting back to deal with whatever was going on.

~~~

She was relieved to find a slightly more together Carina when she arrived home after dropping the kids with her mom. The hesitance of previous evenings on the couch was gone. Maya cleared the space directly next to Carina and sat as close as she felt appropriate. "Carina, what's going on?"

"Do you think you could hug me?"

Maya looked confused, but wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her into a side hug. Carina turned to ensure a full embrace, and sobbed against her neck. "Okay, Carina, you're scaring me now," Maya said quietly, shifting to wrap both arms around her.

"I knew. I was manic and I knew and I stopped taking my meds, which is probably what triggered the amnesia."

Maya wasn't sure what to make of this news, but rubbed Carina's back waiting for her to share the rest. The impulse to ask the seven thousand and forty-two questions burning the tip of her tongue was great, but she would resist. Or die trying.

"My research project," she sighed, pulling away, holding her face in her hands, "Modafinil and bipolar. I started taking modafinil for sleep issues, and it triggered a manic episode. So, I… decided to study it I guess? I finished the project. Well, no, I didn't. Not really. I ended it abruptly, when the mania ended, which is why I never published it. Well, no, that's not quite accurate either. The notes are a mess, the research is poor. Go figure. When the mania ended, I went to the doctor for help, and I I started taking medication but I didn't fill my last prescription. Hence," she gestured, "Amnesia."

Maya sat back against the arm of the couch, stunned into silence. "How did I miss that?"

"Don't do that," Carina said pointing at her before placing her hand on Maya's knee, "Don't. I should have known better, and I still ignored medical advice to ride a manic episode through research. I was even in contact with my papa. You didn't know because I hid it, I didn't want anyone to know. That much is clear from my notes. I still have," she waved her hand around, "all this to go through. At this point, it's clear, I might have to call Vincenzo. But, I'm putting it off and maybe, I don't know, maybe I will find something else in the notes and I won't have to. I don't want to. I tried Gabri, but we aren't friends anymore I guess."

"So, the divorce?"

"I was manic."

"But, your research project was over when you told me you didn't want to see my face again." It wasn't a question, but it wasn't a forceful statement of fact. Just a fact that she was highlighting as a reminder that Carina wasn't worthy of her trust quite yet. A sign that it wasn't as simple as the explanation for her amnesia seemed to be.

She shrugged, "I can't explain that, but I would have been experimenting with medications at that point. It could have been guilt. It can be difficult to deal with the consequences of your actions at the best of times, but coping with the idiotic things you do while manic? That's another level."

Maya nodded in understanding, "And what about my accident a year ago?"

"I wish I knew, Maya, but your mama said I looked sad when she saw me. And Gabri said I left her sobbing voicemails about it, too. I don't know if that makes you feel any better. "

"Me neither," she said with a sigh, "But my therapist is in for a humdinger of a session."

Carina laughed, wiping the stray tears from her cheek. "I refilled my prescription this morning and I bought a pill organizer so I can make sure I've taken them. After all the shit I gave Andrea, and then I go and do the same thing and shut everyone out to hide it. I can't believe I wouldn't at least confide in people once I sought treatment. I'm going to speak to Amelia and Teddy, too, just so that other people are aware. I obviously have accountability issues. I don't understand what I was thinking."

Maya tugged Carina closer, wrapping her in a warm hug. "That's something you can bring up with your therapist because there's a good chance you will never know what you were thinking."

Carina nodded, turning her face into Maya's chest, breathing in the familiar scent. "I have just about accepted that as fact, as frustrating as it may be."

Maya held her breath before slowly exhaling in an attempt to get her heart rate under control. Having Carina this close in any circumstance was a lot, but she didn't want her thinking she was a weirdo. Box breathing would be a little too obvious so just chill the fuck out already.

"Carina," Maya sighed, her cheek pressed against the top of her head. "If you don't want to call Vincenzo, you don't have to call Vincenzo. I'm not sure what he could really tell you that you need to know, but I think the potential for harm probably outweighs that. So, don't feel like you have to push yourself to do that to find answers," she said rubbing her back, hoping to provide some comfort. "You know enough," she said quietly.

Carina didn't respond, choosing only to nod slightly as she sniffled.

"I think it's probably best if you clear up your notes and take the night off. You need to eat something, drink at least three glasses of water, and let your eyes and brain relax. You can tackle it with fresh eyes tomorrow, Carina," Maya used the same soothing tone she would often use with Elia when he so hyper she had to practically peel him off the ceiling before bed.

Carina just nodded, immediately sorting her paperwork into organized stacks. "I still can't believe it."

Maya gave her shoulder a final squeeze before retreating to the kitchen to heat some leftovers. This time she didn't hesitate to grab a bottle of wine. Whether they were at that point or not, they definitely deserved it. But wait, could Carina even drink while taking medication for bipolar? Maya opted for a glass of the red that now makes Carina vomit and poured Carina a glass of non-alcoholic white from the fridge. She was prepared for the offense, she thought as she returned to the couch to offer Carina a bowl of pasta and her glass of wine before going back for her own.

"When did you learn to cook so well?" Carina shouted after her.

"Uh," Maya laughed, depositing her glass on the coffee table before settling on the couch. "When you divorced me. I absolutely could not listen to the kids complaining about my pathetic pasta game for another second."

Carina laughed loudly, she had felt panic rise for a moment when Maya mentioned the divorce, but the thought of their children critiquing Maya's meals was enough to outweigh it. "I had no other choice but to figure it out. I took an Italian cooking class."

Carina smiled. "Um, the other week you and Elia were whispering to each other when you took him to bed. It didn't sound like English or Italian."

"Would you believe me if I told you we're learning Klingon together?"

"No, because I don't know what that means and it sounds ridiculous," Carina said with a shrug as she stabbed another forkful of pasta.

"It's from Star Trek," Maya informed her, hoping that she did believe her so she wouldn't have to explain.

"I didn't lose that much time, Maya, what are you hiding?"

"We're learning French together. He really enjoys French pop music and he wants to know what they're saying. I figured it was a fun thing he and I could do together, and also I should probably know what they are saying if he does."

"First Vittoria and pineapple on pizza and now Elia learning French? What is happening to our children?"

Maya laughed, "He hasn't given up on Italian. At least, not entirely. It would drive him nuts if you and Tori were keeping secrets from him, but he absolutely wants he and I to keep secrets from everyone else."

Carina shook her head, "He's always been so obsessed with you."

"Jealous much?"

Carina shrugged, "Maybe." She sighed, "Maya, I really appreciate everything you've been doing. I know you came to make things easier for the kids, but you've made everything much easier for me too. You didn't owe me anything, especially not all the delicious cooking and emotional support. You should give your therapist a bonus because your coping skills are unparalleled."

Maya nodded, "I would ask you not to tell my therapist that, she tends to get a big head when I tell her she's right. There was never a question in my mind that this was the right to do, Carina. Nothing is more important than our children, not hurt feelings or even my pride. I would do anything to make this easier for them if only for a second."

"A nice reminder about what a stronza pre-amnesia Carina was."

"I don't like to talk shit about people who aren't here to defend themselves, but yeah, pre-amnesia Carina was a lot."

"Ugh, even your shit talk is polite! I would feel better if you shouted at me, Maya."

"I'll tell you what," Maya said with a sigh, "If you get your memories back, I promise I will shout at you. I'll even call you a c u next Tuesday."

Carina's brow furrowed as she tried to work out what Maya meant.

She shook her head, "Fica."

Carina gasped in fake indignation, "Dio!" but she nodded after thinking about it for a moment, "Fair. I accept these terms."

Maya offered her pinky and watched Carina's face slowly transform into a smile as she linked hers to solidify the pinky promise. Everyone knows a pinky promise is sacred. More sacred than marital vows even.

Chapter Text

She had finally reached breaking point. She couldn't simply continue on as they had been – as nice as it was spending time with Carina, with or without the children, she needed good advice on how to navigate this situation. This Carina was flirty, she was playful, and she liked to tease. As much as Maya wanted all of those things, she wasn't sure how to read them. Was she playful and flirty because she was still interested in Maya or had she just defaulted to their pre-divorce state?

As useful as her therapist was, listening to therapy speak and being led by the nose to an obvious point didn't feel like what she wanted to sit through right now. She needed someone to be dark with, she needed someone to be messy with, she just needed a fucking friend to gasp at the right moments, laugh at the ridiculousness of everything, and maybe even cry a little at the sad parts. Distantly, she wondered whether she could have had that type of friendship with Amelia if she had just tried. The only other person who had held her while she fell apart was Carina, and even though she knew it was a move borne of pity, it was the most intimacy she'd had in years. If she discounted Carina, it was the most intimacy she'd had in decades.

Lost in thought, she pulled into the drop-off zone and watched as her kids unloaded their backpacks shouting I love yous as they raced into the school building. She could accidentally bump into Amelia at the hospital, couldn't she? Find an excuse to be there and just engineer a meet-cute for friendship. That didn't sound crazy at all. Maybe it was time to download one of those apps that offered friendship options? What stranger wouldn't love to meet up to sit through someone's trauma dump? Look, let me just get this off my chest, we'll get to your drama another day.

She sighed heavily, knowing she was just making excuses and finding new and annoying ways to ignore the truth. There was only one real option in this situation. If she wanted to sit down and talk to someone, if she wanted a willing ear, there was one person who had made the offer. It just meant setting aside a lot of hurt to do it. Then again, she managed to set aside all of her Carina-related hurt to support her. It's not about making other people feel better this time, now it's about self-healing.

~~~

"Chief? Did we have a meeting scheduled?" Andy looked momentarily concerned.

It was the same question Maya had asked when Andy dropped by unannounced, and that wasn't lost on her. "No, I'm not here as Battalion Chief Bishop." It should have been obvious, considering she wasn't in uniform. She would have dropped in on her at home, but she wasn't sure if she still lived in the same place. The hazard of knocking on a stranger's door was too great a risk to take. So, she stopped by the one place she knew she'd find her.

Andy nodded, choosing to sit on the couch, rather than behind her desk. "I'm glad you came." Interesting response, Maya had briefly expected her to hit back with then who are you? That would have been an amusing comeback. But no, their relationship wasn't in a place for "jokes".

"I um, I only have one friend. Well, had, she didn't really want to be my friend after I broke up with her. So."

Andy nodded again. "It's weird to think of you with anyone but Carina."

"Tell me about it," she said shaking her head, "I wasn't ready to try, but she was a friend so it felt safe. I just wasn't ready."

Andy raised an eyebrow, "It's been two years?" She phrased it as a question, but it didn't really sound like one. It sounded like an are you kidding me right now, get over it.

"Anyway, I really just came to see when you were free for a drink. I don't want to monopolize your time at work with my personal problems."

"Okay," Andy nodded, "Well, I'm free after shift in," she made an effort to exaggerate her movements as she looked at her watch, "three minutes. So, if you can hang out until I change, we can grab that drink now."

"I swear I didn't plan that, I was just on my way home after dropping the kids off at school."

~~~

"Is beer okay, or do we need something harder?"

"Both," Maya said quite confident in that answer.

"Oh damn," she said with a nod, dropping her jacket at the table and heading to the bar. She returned quickly with two bottles of beer and two whiskey chasers. "So, do you want to start with the girlfriend or?"

Maya laughed, "Ex," she corrected. "Rachel," Maya shrugged. "We were friends. She used to work with Carina so she knew who I was and approached me... here actually. She had no idea we'd split up, she'd been working abroad. So, she was the first person who asked for my side of the story and that meant a lot. I guess at some point the lines got a little blurred and she put sex on the table, but we didn't actually have sex."

"How long did you date?"

"Just two months. It wasn't serious, but she wanted more from me. More than I could give, and then," Maya snapped her fingers, "Carina has amnesia and I need to move in with her to help with the kids and I didn't have time for anything else. She didn't love that, and I understand. It just became glaringly obvious that I couldn't give her what she wanted. More than that, I didn't want to. I didn't want to want to."

"Two months and no sex? How many other people were you seeing, Bishop?"

Maya sighed. She knew how unfair the comment was, but she could hardly hold the assumption against Andy considering what she was like before she met Carina. Then again, it had been well over a decade since she had met Carina. "I haven't seen anyone since Carina."

"Oh, so Rachel was your first girlfriend?"

Maya nodded, "But that isn't what I meant."

Andy's eyes widened. "No."

She nodded again.

"Nobody? All this time?"

"I can't do it. I haven't even tried. I don't want to." So much for taking it to the grave, just fold at the very first opportunity to spill your guts. "I guess part of me thought maybe she'd change her mind and if I slept with someone else, she'd run in the opposite direction again."

"Damn, Bishop," she sat shaking her head, taking a long swig of beer before looking back at her former friend. "So, what happened with Carina?"

"Funny you should ask because I only just learned that last night."

"Seriously?"

Maya nodded. "She never gave me an explanation, Andy. When I left for work that morning, I had so much hope because she'd agreed to therapy and then those papers turned up and that was it. Then she retreated further into her research project and I had the kids 24/7 most of the time. Three months after the divorce, she finished her research so she called me to tell me she was ready to revert to the custody arrangement we had agreed. When I dropped them off she told me she didn't want to see me ever again and that was it. Until the car accident. We hadn't seen each other in almost two years. Not even when I was in the hospital after the explosion last year."

"Jesus."

"And then Amelia came to tell me she'd asked to see the kids and me, but even then, I didn't think oh she forgot we got divorced. I thought maybe the accident knocked something loose. But the kids went in to see her and yeah, she just lost the last three years. So, she's doing different treatments, but not to rescue her memories, to just accept the fact that this is her reality and she might never get them back."

"So?"

"She understands that her memories are gone, but she doesn't understand what happened so she's been focused on trying to figure that out. She's run into a million dead-ends, but she hit the jackpot with her research notes."

Andy sat back in her chair, stunned as Maya explained what had happened. What do you do with that? Not just the immense guilt she felt for walking away from her friend who was in desperate need of allies, but watching that friend still clearly broken hearted two years later.

"And it would be so easy to fall back into things with her, the last few weeks have been incredible. It was a little tense at first, but as soon as I started treating her like pre-amnesia, pre-divorce Carina it got so much easier. It might feel unfair to me to give her that, but she isn't the same Carina who hurt me, so it felt worse to hold her at a distance. The truth is I am utterly terrified that she wakes up with her memories and decides she made the right decision cutting me out. I wouldn't survive it again. I definitely can't afford the therapy bill either."

"Even if she woke up with her memories, she'll still have the memories from the last few weeks when you stepped up to help her after everything. She isn't manic now, you said she's back on her meds, she's having therapy. She's not the Carina who made a terrible decision. The real question is whether you can forgive her for the hurt she caused and move on from that."

"It's so hard to hold it against this Carina when she looks at me the way she does. Just like she used to. She can still read me like a book, she teases me, gives me a hard time, and steals food from my plate. I feel pathetic. That I've basically put my personal life on pause all this time because I'm still so stupidly in love with her I can't bear to be with anyone else. And that I ran right back the moment she asked me to. I literally dropped everything, including my only friend slash girlfriend."

"Hey, you did the right thing for your kids by "running back". You're doing something important for their wellbeing, not just for Carina," Andy assured her. She attracted the attention of the barman, requesting another round.

"But you think I'm pathetic for not moving on."

Oh, so she'd caught that.

"I don't want to call you pathetic." Again, she didn't say she wasn't pathetic, simply that she didn't want to call her pathetic. So noted. "You've had a lot going on, and it can't be easy to date with kids. I mean, I live with my husband and we have a hard time planning dates around the kids. They tend to take up any free time we have and we have busy jobs."

"I could have made time for self-care Wednesdays."

"It's okay that you're still in love with Carina, Maya. Hell, it even makes sense considering how things ended. I guess we all thought you got divorced because you did something stupid. I know how unfair that is, that we all just assumed the worst of you without ever asking. You didn't deserve that. When you transferred out, I mean it was fast, we took that as an admission of guilt. Like, you transferred to make Carina comfortable coming to the clinic. That's not an excuse, though, and when she stopped coming, I should have called you. I mean, I really should have followed you into your office the day it happened."

"She stopped going to the clinic?"

Andy gave her a confused look, "Yeah, at first it was just a break while she was doing research, but then she didn't come back. I guess she didn't know you'd transferred, maybe. That could explain why she never really contacted me or Jack, too. If she didn't know what had gone down at the station."

"She hated me so much she gave up the clinic so she could avoid me," Maya shook her head. "It's hard to process that with the Carina of now. It's hard to know what to think."

"What if she never hated you, what if she felt guilty about everything that happened and thought it would be easier to not see you?"

"It's Carina. You know how much she adores talking things to death – why wouldn't she come to me and tell me she was being treated for bipolar? Why wouldn't she just be honest instead of breaking my heart and then rubbing salt in my wounds?"

"You know how complex mental health is, maybe more than anyone. And just like she might have to learn to accept that she will never get her memories back, you have to learn to accept it as well."

"Our split was so hard on the kids. They had a terrible time, especially those first few months when they barely saw her. Tori was so angry and it was aimed at me. She blamed me for what was happening and I couldn't correct her because as much as Carina hurt me, I couldn't badmouth her to the kids. I put them at risk of that again if I let something happen between us. I put myself at risk."

"Do you think Carina wants something to happen?"

Maya shrugged helplessly, "I'm afraid to ask because I'm afraid of the answer – I'm afraid to hear that I've been reading her wrong and I'm just as afraid to find out I've been reading her right. I'm afraid that if she was to kiss me, my panties would just drop."

Andy laughed loudly, "Jesus, Bishop."

"I'm honestly desperate at this point," she groaned.

"Except not desperate enough to go fuck anybody."

"Desperate for Carina," she said honestly.

Andy nodded. "Yeah, I got it."

"This could all be moot, I'm operating under the assumption she still has feelings for me because she's Carina from three years ago. I'm operating under the assumption she wants something more."

"Say, here's a novel idea, why don't you stop operating under assumptions and go home and talk to your ex-wife. You might remember her…" Andy said smirked as she left the joke hanging.

"Oh, haha, very mature."

"Maya," Andy sighed. That was the first time she'd used her first name in she didn't know how long. "I don't want to make this weird, but I'm going to. I always thought your love story with Carina was incredible. What would be more incredible than coming back from a divorce because of a freak bout of amnesia? I mean, that's a Hallmark movie waiting to be written."

Maya laughed, "It feels closer to a Lifetime movie right now, but sure."

"You can have a happy ending, but you won't find a happy ending unless you're willing to sit down and talk to Carina honestly. Ask her what she wants and be prepared to tell her what you really want, and talk about what it means for Tori and Elia. Cover every base. And Maya, you can call me or text me anytime. Not as Battalion Chief Bishop," she said as if that needed clarified.

~~~

"Carina," Maya said with a sigh as she settled in the armchair across from where Carina was seated on the couch.

Carina looked up from her research notes with a raised brow. "Yes, Maya?"

"I thought maybe we should discuss where we go from here? Moving forward."

Carina set her notes aside and gave a small nod. "I have an appointment with Amelia tomorrow and hopefully I will be cleared to drive at the very least, but maybe even for work."

"I know things might be different now, but the custody arrangement we agreed really works for the kids and I don't want to cause too much upset to their schedules. But, when you're cleared to drive and stuff, I should go back to my place."

Carina noticed how she referred to it as my place and not home, which is how she referred to this house.

"We maybe don't need to worry about avoiding each other at Tori's games now, though, huh?"

A small smile tugged the edges of Carina's mouth, "No, you don't have to hide, especially if you buy me hot dogs and share your nachos."

Maya laughed. "T-ball season is over, but I'm pretty sure Elia is leaning towards joining little league. So, you can buy me snacks when the season starts."

Carina sighed, "I didn't know Elia liked baseball. When does that start?"

"March," Maya said with a smile, "He loved t-ball, but it's just little kids running around like crazy. He loves "watching" baseball at home and going to games for the snacks, but I'm not so sure he'll be as interested in playing. I'm happy for him to try if that's what he wants, but I wouldn't be surprised if he begs to quit halfway through the first season. Sorry that he isn't interested in soccer, watching or playing."

Carina shrugged, "At least he isn't eating pineapple on pizza."

Maya grinned. "My son would never."

Carina's eyes narrowed, which only made Maya's smile widen.

~~~

When Maya walked in the door after work she found Carina preparing dinner in the kitchen, humming while she did so. With no children in sight, she wasn't sure whether to seek them out or make herself comfortable at the kitchen table. "Hey, where are the kids?" Why not both? Kind of.

Carina looked up and smiled. Oh fuck, like lightning straight to the vagina. "Your mama took them to the park. They were practically feral after they finished their homework, as though they'd been imprisoned for a decade."

Maya laughed. "They get that from you."

Carina guffawed. "They absolutely do not, only one of us climbs the walls when kept indoors and it is definitely not me."

Maya shrugged, pouring herself a glass of water from the filtered jug in the fridge. "I'm much more sensible now."

"Hm," Carina watched her carefully, "I had noticed that actually."

"Yeah?" Maya seemed surprised.

She nodded, "You are much calmer."

Maya smiled. "I think so too. Do you need any help?" she asked, washing and drying the water glass she had just drained in two gulps before standing next to Carina at the island.

"No, thank you," Carina shook her head, "Although, I suppose you could set the table. A place for your mama too."

"Sure," Maya gathered plates, cutlery, and napkins and set five places at the table. "Um, how was your appointment today?"

"Very good. I'm cleared to drive and Amelia thinks I should return to work, at least for some short shifts to get back into the swing of things."

"Oh, well, that's good. Life goes on, huh?"

Carina bit her lip. She wasn't ready for the next part of the conversation. The part where Maya packs her bags and goes back to… well, wherever it is she lives. Carina has no idea because she hates to even think about Maya in another home. She briefly wondered whether she had purchased a house or opted for an apartment. A three bedroom apartment seemed unlikely considering how much time Tori spent outdoors. She must have bought a house. Or maybe she rents. She wondered if it was in a family-friendly neighborhood and whether the neighbors were kind to her. It occurred to her that it might be awkward to live in a family-friendly neighborhood when you only have your children 50% of the time. The very thought of sharing custody of their babies, and reverting to the prior arrangement… was unbearable.

And that feeling only grew within her as she looked around the table over dinner. Tori and Elia hung on every word of Maya's story about her work day and Katherine was laughing alongside them. It was the perfect picture of domesticity, what she had always dreamed of when she and Maya discussed their future so many years ago. How was she supposed to live without this? Maybe Maya would be willing to have family dinners regularly, even after she leaves. A weekly get together with Katherine where they can set aside their differences. She might not be able to get Maya back, but she could find a way to hold onto something. Right?

Chapter Text

With the kids sleeping soundly, there were no more excuses left. They couldn't avoid the topic any longer.

"I guess we should talk, huh?" Carina was sure she would need to be the one to bring it up, but here Maya was taking the opportunity. She sighed heavily, but nodded in agreement. "I um, I guess. Uh," Maya closed her eyes for a moment and took a few breaths. "I wasn't sure if you had looked through stuff, so I printed a copy of our custody arrangement for you. I didn't want you to think I was being sneaky or anything. We're pretty flexible with things because of shifts and emergencies, but we try to adhere to the schedule pattern for as little disruption to the kids as possible."

Carina gulped. When Maya said they should talk, this wasn't what she had in mind, but she reached out and took the sheet of paper from Maya. Don't let your hand shake.

Her lawyer must have been the sensible one, to draft such a reasonable custody arrangement when she was in the middle of a manic episode that made her divorce the love of her life. "This was very mature of us."

Maya laughed, but it wasn't the pleasant sound it normally was.

"Anyway, technically I should have them this weekend, but I'm fine with you keeping them until Monday and then we can do the normal changeover day Thursday and revert to the 3-4-4-3 pattern."

Carina nodded, "Okay."

"Just, it makes sense… now that you're cleared for work and driving, I'll get out of your hair."

"I don't want you out of my hair, Maya. You're not in my hair."

"Well, not literally, it's just a saying."

"Idiota. I know that, I'm Italian not stupid."

It was Maya's turn to gulp.

They stared at each for what should have been an uncomfortable length of time, what could have been perceived by an outsider as a staring content. That type of eye contact? Well, it was usually reserved for one of two things – the intent to intimidate or the intent to fuck. But, in this case, it was an absolute desperation to see love reflected back.

Carina was the first to break, moving close enough to lean her forehead against Maya's. Her eyes may have been closed, but she could feel the change in Maya's body language, the softening the moment their skin touched. She isn't pulling away. Carina tilted her head and leaned in to capture Maya's lips with her own. It was as easy as breathing. And just as necessary for life, she was sure of that. Carina resisted the urge to moan at the current it sparked between them, but she wasn't strong enough to resist the impulse to introduce her tongue. It was like coming home. There was no hesitation, Maya responded immediately, deepening the kiss as her hands pulled Carina closer. She was practically in her lap now, and though their hands did begin to wander, they both hesitated when it came to taking things further.

"I don't know if I can do this," Maya broke the kiss and sighed against Carina's neck, her lips close enough to tickle skin as she did so. "I might be done being angry, but this might be too much for me right now." Even if it felt so fucking good.

As much as she tried to resist, Carina could feel the sinking butterflies in her stomach. They were riding high just moments ago, now they were plummeting to their deaths. She wanted to ask why, she wanted to fight, but she knew why and she wasn't sure if it was fair to fight if Maya had made her decision. Considering what she had done, she felt lucky Maya was even willing to speak to her.

"I have to follow your lead," Carina whispered, her hand still on the back of Maya's neck. "And I want to respect your boundaries, but I want you to know I want this. You can take your time. I understand."

"I think I need to go back to my place. I need time and space to process. But I know we still have to have a bigger conversation. We owe that to each other. I'm just not ready for it. I think it's important for you to have some space, too. I know you might think you want this, but you've been through a tough time and you haven't had a chance to experience your life as it is now. I think you need to do that. I think we both need space to process everything. We definitely need several extra sessions with our therapists. Mine recently bought a summer home if that's any indicator as to how things have been going."

Carina nodded with a polite laugh. It was much more than she'd hoped for, so how could she argue?

"I," Maya took a deep breath trying to decide how best to phrase this, both to make Carina understand where she was coming from and also protect herself from further hurt. "I care about you a lot." That felt safe. "The divorce was really tough for Tori in particular, and those first few months when you were buried in your work," she paused trying to hide the hitch in her breath, "she was really angry. So, whatever we do from here on out, it's important to manage their expectations."

Carina nodded, "She doesn't seem angry with me now, so we must have navigated it well."

"It," Maya sighed again. Would any good come from telling Carina the truth or was it just Maya's opportunity for her to feel even a fraction of what she had? "It wasn't you she was angry with," she admitted. "It was me, she thought I was keeping you away from them because she was 5 and she didn't understand what was happening."

Carina closed her eyes and sighed. Maya had taken the blame from everyone. "I'm sorry."

Maya shook her head, "She was 5, Carina. She didn't know what she was talking about, she was just sad and angry because everything was changing and she couldn't understand."

"Maybe not, but I'm still sorry you were getting the blame from all angles. And I'm sorry you had to navigate it on your own." Carina pulled Maya back into a hug, "We will be careful, whatever you decide. In the meantime, how would you feel about weekly dinners here? It's been nice having all of us around the table, maybe it's something we could keep up? Your mama too."

"Sure," Maya nodded, though she seemed hesitant. "And maybe, we can touch base in a couple of weeks about that conversation, just to see where we are, and if we're not both ready to sit down and have it, we can wait another two weeks."

Carina smiled, "Okay." She briefly wondered whether there was a clipboard that detailed a potential timeline for several of these conversations. Or if that clipboard also featured a variety of topics that felt safe to lead into heavier conversations. Knowing Maya, there could be entire outlines of those chats.

Maya squeezed her before breaking the hug, placing a kiss on her cheek as she did so. "I'm going to bed, but I'll pack up and go tomorrow since I'm off. We'll sit down and talk with the kids to explain things after school. I don't want it to disrupt their day. I'll pick them up and bring them back."

"That's a good idea," Carina agreed, "Maybe we could all have dinner together before you go, just the four of us, so they can see it won't be like before."

Maya smiled, "I'd like that."

~~~

Though Maya had agreed to a goodbye dinner of sorts, it didn't feel right to leave the kids in the dark that long. The dinner was supposed to be a show of happiness and unity, they could address the big change before allowing the kids to escape to their bedrooms to tackle their homework. It would give them space to process the news and allow them to come to the dinner table with questions and concerns.

When Maya arrived with the children in tow, Carina had cookies and hot chocolate waiting in the living room.

"Hot chocolate!" Elia announced on sight, "Tori, hot chocolate!"

Tori was old enough to know that hot chocolate in the middle of the day during warmer months meant something more than just drinking hot chocolate in the middle of the day during warmer months. She was absolutely going to drink that hot chocolate, and she was definitely going to eat as many cookies as she could get away with, but she wasn't stupid. She knew what was coming.

Maya and Carina settled on opposite ends of the couch, allowing their children to sit between them with their hot chocolate and cookie treats.

"So, babies," Maya started, "Remember how after Mama had her accident we explained that I would stay here to help her get settled?"

Tori nodded. Yep, this is what she thought was coming.

Elia looked between his parents, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"Well, Mama is doing much better now, don't you think? She's allowed to drive again, and she can even go back to work. That means it's time for me to go back to my house."

Tori felt like crying, but when Elia immediately burst into tears she held her own emotions in. Maya scooped Elia up into her lap, offering him a hug, whispering assurances across the top of his head as she pressed kisses against his hair. "You don't need to be upset, baby."

"Is it gonna be like it used to be? When you didn't talk?" Tori asked, her voice barely louder than a whisper.

"No," Maya responded firmly, "It isn't."

Carina wrapped an arm around Tori, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "We promise it won't be, Mommy is staying for dinner before she goes home tonight. And she's going to come for dinner with Grandma once a week, too. We'll both be at your games, and we'll even sit together because your Mommy promised to buy me hot dogs."

Maya made a face at Carina and grabbed Tori's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, "It's not going to be like it used to be. But we are still going to use the same custody arrangement, okay? But for now, you're going to stay with your Mama until Monday. For extra special time before she goes back to work."

Elia had stilled in Maya's lap, his tears no longer falling as he listened to the assurances his mother's gave Tori. She cupped his face with her hands, "D'accord?"

"D'accord," he said with a small smile, amused at her use of French. She peppered his forehead and cheeks in kisses and gave him a squeeze before settling him on the couch next to her. "Now, let's finish the afternoon snack Mama prepared and then you two can go do your homework while I help Mama with dinner. How does that sound?"

Both children nodded, immediately reaching for another cookie and neither parent had the heart to say no.

"And if you have any questions, you can ask at dinner," Carina added, quietly relieved that Maya had taken the lead in the conversation. In days gone by, she knows she would have been the one to do so, but she didn't feel as confident considering her lack of memory of these children. And as much as Carina may have hurt Maya, Maya still seemed very attuned to her emotions.

"What's for dinner, Mama?" Maya laughed at the cheek of Elia to ask this question as he inhaled his second cookie.

"Yeah, what's for dinner Mama?" Maya asked with a smirk on her face.

Carina rolled her eyes, "Pizzolo," she said, standing up before she could grin at Maya's wide eyes.

"That's Mommy's favorite!" Tori chirped.

Carina nodded, "Yes, since Mommy is going to her house tonight I thought it would be nice to make her favorite before she goes."

Maya tried to contain her smile, but it tugged at the corner of her mouth regardless.

"I made sfincione earlier, I'll pack you some to take with you," Carina added as she turned in the direction of the kitchen. "There's enough for you to take into work for sharing," she shouted as she walked away.

After spending the last two years of her life looking after everyone else, it felt really good to have someone return the favor. Even if the person returning the favor was the reason she'd spent the last two years of her life looking after everyone else. Maya chided herself for the thought, it didn't matter if it was true – that was a different Carina. Something else to address in therapy, the list was getting longer.

~~~

Maya sits upright and rigid on her psychiatrist's couch. She isn't new to this so she should be more relaxed with the process by now. But no matter how much healing she pursued, she was still Maya Bishop and that meant she took a serious approach to the therapeutic journey. It was an extension of her job in a way. It was her job to be well for herself so she could be well for her children, so she had to think of it as a task to complete in order to get the job done.

"How have things been since we last met?"

Maya closed her eyes and took a deep breath, "Complicated," she answered honestly. At this point, therapy was as much part of her routine as waking up and breathing. She had gotten over the awkwardness over it a long time ago, especially after spending three sessions a week with this woman at the height of the chaos. "I packed up and went back to my house and I was more emotional about it than I expected."

"And why is that?"

"Whatever happened in the past, it felt so good to be under the same roof with my family all the time. It was over a month of waking up with my babies down the hall, there was no need for awkward texts or bustling around to get the kids to my Mom's house so she could take them to Carina's. It was easy."

"It was easy."

Maya looked up, curious as to why Dr. Hart simply repeated her own words back to her. She found the older woman looking back at her with her eyebrows raised.

Maya simply nodded, wondering if she was expecting a verbal answer to a question she never asked.

"It's been a long time since you described anything as easy."

Maya laughed. "Tell me about it."

"Why do you think it was so easy?"

Maya shrugged, "It was the way we used to be before my life blew up. It was always easy between us," she hesitated for a moment before sighing, "Until it wasn't."

"You said at your last session that Carina was dealing with a manic episode. That doesn't negate your hurt, but does it allow you to separate what happened then from the person she is?"

"I don't see this Carina as the same Carina so, I don't need to separate what happened from her. In my mind they are two different people. Because the Carina I have been living with for the last month is the Carina I fell in love with, she is the Carina I married. The Carina who divorced me is gone – she doesn't even remember her."

"But you do. You remember that Carina, and even if you say you don't see them as the same person, they are. Carina might have been dealing with mental illness, but that doesn't erase the trauma you went through. And make no mistake about it, it was a trauma. We worked incredibly hard for a long time to overcome it. But this," she gestured, "situation, has essentially acted as a trigger for all of those old emotions and now they're surfacing. You have to process them again, even though you processed them before."

"They're weaker."

Dr. Hart nodded. "Naturally."

"But still so sharp. Part of that is seeing Carina's reaction. I haven't inundated her with information, but I've answered all of her questions honestly and she's been really upset at hearing all of it. The hurt on her face isn't anywhere near the hurt I went through, but seeing her in pain is making my emotions feel heightened."

"Her pain is validating yours. You never got answers from Carina about why your relationship ended, and this is your first opportunity to do that and she can't provide you with what you have desperately wanted for so long. But her reaction to the behavior she doesn't remember is validating for you because you still resist the idea that you have the right to feel wronged. But you do have that right and maybe you need to allow yourself to feel that before you can finally let it go."

Maya sighed heavily. " I want to let it go so bad."

"You said you've been honest with her when she's asked questions. Have you discussed your relationship with Rachel?"

Maya nodded.

"Have you discussed the way your friends abandoned you?"

She nodded again, "Not in as much depth as we discussed Rachel."

"Because the way your friends abandoned you hurts exponentially more than the end of your relationship with Rachel."

Maya shrugged. She felt like mounting a defense against what was never an accusation. It was also true.

"What if she asks about your romantic life before Rachel?"

Maya balked.

"You told me you were both very open about your past relationships and encounters at the start of your relationship, so it's very possible she brings it up at some point. What are you going to tell her, will you be honest?"

Maya sits quietly, face red. She isn't ignoring the question, she's just not ready to answer because the truth is she would feel compelled to lie.

"Why is your impulse to lie?"

Maya looked up and made eye contact with Dr. Hart. Call me out to my face, please. "The truth makes me seem pathetic."

"The truth makes you vulnerable, and if you are genuinely interested in moving forward with Carina and finding your way back to each other, you will have to make yourself vulnerable. It won't work otherwise."

Maya shook her head, "Maybe she won't ask, she can't be honest about the last two years because she doesn't know."

"Then if she brings it up, you might want to suggest STD tests."

Jesus fucking Christ, Doc, go for the jugular why don't you?

Dr. Hart shrugged, "I'm just thinking practically. You have to protect yourself, manic episodes don't make for good decision making."

Without lifting a finger Dr. Hart punched Maya in the chest. Realistically, she knew that Carina would have at least had a physical relationship with someone since their split. Carina loved sex. There was no way she wouldn't have pursued something. Then again, most people would have said the exact same thing about Maya and that wasn't true. But then, Maya was the one who was tossed out, she was the one dealing with the broken heart. Isn't the one who ended the relationship usually the one who moves on first? Still, they were divorced. She couldn't very well hold it against Carina if she had been intimate with other people. Or could she? The only reason they were divorced was because Carina chose to keep secrets. And part of the reason she hadn't been physical with anyone was just in case Carina changed her mind. What a holy fucking mess.

~~~

"I feel… thankful."

Carina's psychiatrist raised an eyebrow, waiting to see if she had more to add to the conversation before he probed her further.

Carina sighed and took the hint from the clear look on his face. "Without this amnesia, I wouldn't have a second chance with Maya. Whether we get back together or not, being friendly with each other will be good for our children. Whatever happened, me forgetting about it might be the best thing that's ever happened."

"That's an interesting view, and a good one. I know we have discussed the low likelihood of your memories returning at this stage. Are you prepared for what might happen if they do return? If you remember the breakdown of your marriage and feel differently once the knowledge is back?"

"I have accepted that my memories won't return. If they do, I will still remember what Maya has done for me. I won't suddenly forget the way she was willing to put aside her pain to take care of me and the children. I won't forget learning about how everyone abandoned her because of me. Hopefully, that is more than enough to eradicate any embarrassment I may feel about making terrible decisions while manic."

"What if when your memories come back you find out you weren't manic? That you were right to divorce."

Carina shook her head. "Impossible."

"Why would you say that?"

"I have the research notes, they clearly show I was manic. My doctor has confirmed all of it."

"But you chose to cut her out of your life after the mania passed, Carina. Are you prepared to find out there was a valid reason for that?"

"I am not," she said with a shake of her head, "because I don't believe there could have been a valid reason for that. If I was happy to share custody and agree on the custody plan we have, then there is nothing I wouldn't be prepared to work through to save our marriage. I might not know what happened in the last three years, but I know myself well enough and I know Maya well enough to know that is true."

"And what about the pain you caused her?"

Carina sighed, "That's going to take longer to process because it is difficult to reconcile that behavior with who I know myself to be. It bothers me that I behaved so callously. But I would like to move forward with her, and if we are going to do that I have to forgive myself. If she is willing to forgive me, there is no reason why I can't find a way to let go of the guilt. The shame."

"Is that what you feel? Shame?"

"Oh yes," she nodded, "I feel ashamed that I didn't take the right steps to deal with a manic episode. I feel guilty that I didn't take steps to make up for the decisions I made while dealing with a manic episode. There is something incredibly upsetting about finding out how hypocritical you are. Especially when I think about how Maya dropped everything to come and help after everything I did. She would have supported me if I had just spoken up at the time. She might have been angrier if I waited until after the divorce, but I think she would have understood. Or at least tried to understand. I just never gave her the chance, and it bothers me that I didn't give her the chance. Just like everybody else in her life, I didn't give her the benefit of the doubt."

The psychiatrist nodded knowingly. "Is that a common refrain?"

"Nobody ever gives her the benefit of the doubt and it's something I have always found infuriating. Her friends are always so quick to believe the worst of her even when she has done so much for every one of them. It doesn't matter how much she changes, they hold an expired view of her. I know that's why she doesn't even try to stand up for herself anymore, she doesn't put up a fight, she lets them walk away. Maybe she's right in a way, that they don't deserve her friendship if they're not willing to give her a chance."

"And is that what you think? That you don't deserve her if you weren't willing to give her a chance?"

Carina shrugged, a little annoyed that he had deduced that from her bitching about other people treating Maya like shit. "At least I wasn't thinking clearly."

"When you divorced her. That isn't a credible excuse for what happened after."

"I don't pay you this much money to make me feel bad you know," Carina joked.

He smiled. "I believe that's precisely why you pay me so much money."

Chapter Text

When the doorbell rang mid-morning Carina wasn't sure who to expect – she wasn't anticipating a package and she couldn't recall making plans with friends. Despite Maya's jokes, her short-term memory was absolutely fine. But, when she opened the door, Maya was the very last person she expected to see. Dressed in casual clothes, holding a deli bag in her hand, she gave Carina a small smile and waved awkwardly with her free hand. It had been a few days since they had last seen each other, with it being Maya's four day stretch with the kids.

"Is everything okay?" she asked, stepping aside to let Maya in.

Maya nodded, "Yeah, the kids are fine, I would have called otherwise."

Carina furrowed her brow, that was true, Maya would have called. "Well that makes this more curious."

Maya laughed, "I just thought I'd check in on that conversation."

Carina smiled. "And you came to my door?"

"Yeah, I brought cappuccinos and cannoli."

"Cannoli for breakfast?" Carina gasped in surprise, "Who are you and what have you done with Maya Bishop?"

She laughed, "Well, I figured I could do as the Sicilians do. Just for one day."

Maya sat the bag on the kitchen table and removed the cannoli before carefully removing the cups of cappuccino from the cup holder at the bottom.

"Do I have to be ready for the conversation to enjoy this treat or?" Maya could hear the teasing edge in Carina's voice and looked up at her with a smirk.

"No, you get the treat regardless," she smiled. "Does that mean you're not ready?" she asked, looking up to meet Carina's eyes.

She shook her head, "It's been a month. I'm ready if you are."

Maya nodded, "I was ready two weeks ago, to be honest, I just got scared that maybe you weren't. Choose your cannolo – we have lemon, pistachio, chocolate chip, and candied cherries."

Carina gasped, "Pistachio, of course," she said easily, leaning forward to snatch her favorite.

Maya smiled, opting for the candied cherries thinking that Tori would love the lemon and Elia would want chocolate chip. That is if the cannoli lived to leave this house.

"Maya," Carina sighed, taking a moment to finish chewing on the bite of cannolo she had taken. "I know we're divorced, and I know I don't remember what happened, but I know how wrong it feels. How wrong it felt from the moment Tori and Elia walked into that hospital room without you. How every cell in my body rejected the words when Amelia said them out loud. It feels awful and I don't want it. I want to try."

"If we do this, I have to be able to let go of everything that happened because it isn't fair to you otherwise. If you get your memories back, sure, we can revisit the topic and discuss it. But you don't know any more about that period of your life than I do. I'm not ready to let it go yet, Carina, but I'm trying. It's so complicated because it's not just what happened between us, it's everything else that happened at the same time. That stuff wasn't your fault, it was the fallout, but it's all tied in for me emotionally. That can be difficult to separate and I'm still trying to untangle it in therapy. I mean, I thought I had," she said with a shake of her head, "I really did, I had so much therapy I thought I was advanced enough to start giving therapy. But it all kind of got dragged back up and it made me realize I hadn't really made peace with it. I'm still untangling the knots."

"Okay, so what does that mean?"

"It means I'm working on it," Maya smiled, "but I thought maybe we could go on a date and get to know each other again? It might be easier to resolve the hurt by trying to build on what is obviously still between us."

"But you're still angry with me?"

"Ish, it's more hurt than anger, but it's at a Carina who doesn't exist anymore, which is why it's harder to process because we can't discuss it and hash it out because you don't know. I'm also terrified that it could happen again. You go off your meds, and then what? It's all so scary. So, to move forward with you, I have to make my peace with the Carina who hurt me and it still hurts profoundly. Like it happened yesterday."

Carina nodded. "That makes sense. But, what if I do remember – how do you make peace with the me of right now and the Carina you are angry with? We are the same person, even if I don't remember." The words of her psychiatrist were blaring loudly in her head – the dangers of remembering and being unable to reconcile past emotions with current feelings."

"I guess we go to therapy together to figure that out," she shrugged as though it was the simplest thing in the world. "That's why it's important for me to deal with this because if you do get your memories back, I can't just check out and I hope you wouldn't either. We need to be prepared to face up to it together," she barely paused before immediately changing the subject. "Andy came to see me." Dr. Hart called her out for her invulnerability. She would show her.

Carina raised an eyebrow, at the information and the quick change of topic "When?" though the change of topic seemed rapid, Maya had just explained how all of these things were tied into each other for her, so it obviously made sense in her mind.

"Right after I moved in with you, just wanted to offer me an ear."

"And?"

"I took her up on it. Eventually. We've seen each other a few times since then. It's still a little awkward, but it's nice to have someone to talk to again. She apologizes every time I see her, even though I've told her to stop."

Carina laughed, "Well, you shouldn't tell her to stop, she should keep apologizing."

Maya raised an eyebrow at that, "Oh really?"

"I might have divorced you and okay, I maybe stepped on your heart, but she was your best friend and it's not the first time she refused to give you the benefit of the doubt. Spouses are supposed to be more fickle than best friends."

It wasn't a funny joke, and it was probably way too soon, but hearing Carina switch into protective mode warmed her heart. "I'm not sure that's true, but I'll let her know you said so," she said stifling a chuckle.

Carina laughed, "I'll tell her to her face. At least I was mentally unwell at the time."

"I haven't forgiven her… she specifically said she didn't come asking for forgiveness. I still don't trust her, not really, but I just really needed someone to talk to that wasn't my mom or my therapist. She's been a good sounding board."

Carina nodded. "I'm not going to judge you, it's your decision to make, Bambina." The pet name just slipped out and it wasn't lost on either party that it was the first time she had used it since that awkward exchange in the hospital.

"So, how do you feel about going on a date?" Maya shifted the conversation back to the topic at hand.

Carina smiled, comforted in a way to know that Maya's brain still worked the way it always had – a million miles an hour, "I would love to go on a date with you, Maya Bishop."

~~~

Arranging dates was much easier said than done. In addition to finding a good time for both of their schedules, they would also have to explain to the children why they were suddenly spending an evening with Grandma. As much as neither wanted to get the children's hopes up about a potential reconciliation, they also didn't want to outright lie. They found a better solution – day dates. While the children were at school, the pair found time to grab lunch or just hang out and the kids would never be the wiser.

"Is this too weird?" Maya asked shyly. She was tired of coffee shop hangouts and meeting in the park to walk, she wanted to give them something a little different to do.

Carina shook her head with a small smile on her face, "No, if anything, I'm offended this is the first time you've brought me here."

Maya laughed, "Well, I actually thought it would be a fun birthday party for one of the kids but I figured a Donut Tour was perfectly suitable for adults. Plus, after Tori's Ice Cream Cruise Birthday, Elia definitely wants one of his own."

"Maybe next time we can do something a little more adult."

Maya raised an eyebrow, "What, like the Bainbridge Island wine tour? Because I thought about that. There's also the cidery. That could be fun. Or San Juan whale watching. It would be smart to try and get on their good side, all things considered. They're rising up, you know?"

Carina bit her lip, amused that Maya hadn't picked up on the intended meaning of her comment. "I have heard that, yes. A wine tour would be fun as well," she said instead, nodding in agreement as Maya looked pleased with her suggestion. Carina bumped her shoulder into Maya's as they rushed to catch up with the rest of the tour group.

"There's only one more stop, I hope you're prepared to exchange dough-notes afterwards."

Carina rolled her eyes, trying to stifle a laugh at Maya's poor attempt at a joke. Cute. "You should have mentioned that earlier, I would have paid more attention."

Maya gasps in faux shock. "Would you treat a wine tour as flippantly?"

She nodded, "Assolutamente, I refuse to spit so I would be too under the influence to care."

Maya gulped, trying not to think about Carina swallowing. Fuuuuuck. Too late.

Carina grinned to herself as Maya's cheeks got redder and redder as she tried harder and harder to push the thought out of her head. Carina's hand slipping into hers and intertwining their fingers helped stop the spiral. But fuuuuck.

Carina smiled to herself, quite pleased with the reaction her comment had elicited. She's still got it.

Maya shook her head, trying desperately to deep breathe her blush away. Be fucking cool goddamnit.

Maya pulled up in front of Carina's house giving her more than enough time to escape before her mom dropped the kids off. "May I walk you to the door?"

Carina grinned, resisting the urge to roll her eyes because as silly as Maya was being, she was also incredibly sweet. "Please."

"I had a really good time," Carina smiled as they reached her doorstep.

"Me too, I particularly enjoyed the donut holes at that second place."

She shook her head, "Just shut up and kiss me," she said reaching her hand out to beckon Maya closer.

"Wow, I didn't realize you were going to serve it up on a platter." Maya took her hand and pulled her closer as she leaned in for a kiss, all in one fluid motion. "God, I love your mouth," she sighed against Carina's lips.

"Not as much as I love your tongue," Carina responded, returning to the kiss, the tip of her tongue teasing Maya's upper lip. She moaned as Maya's lips parted, the kiss intensifying as her fingers fumbled for purchase at the front of Maya's shirt. This kiss was less chaste than the kiss on the couch had been, there was less hesitation.

"I should go, before the kids arrive," Maya sighed as she broke the kiss. Carina pressed two firm kisses to her lips and smiled, "Until next time, Maya."

~~~

"So, what the fuck has been going on?" Vic asked, pushing past Carina to make herself at home on the couch.

"Oh, come on in, Victoria. It's nice to see you," Carina said with an exaggerated eye roll. "Can I get you anything?"

"No," she said with a shake of her head, "Well, actually, yes, but I want to know what the fuck has been going on first. I was going to stop somewhere, I hate turning up empty-handed, but I couldn't wait. I've been gone for four months and you decide to what, forget everything?"

"Well, not everything," Carina said shrugging as she took up residence on the couch next to Victoria. "Just the worst parts, I think. That's lucky, is it not?"

Vic laughed. "I'm glad you still have your sense of humor. So, what, you forgot everything and Maya came running home?"

"Not quite."

It was hard to know what to share. Based on her text messages, she could see that she and Vic had maintained a friendship, though they didn't text as often as they used to. Then again, Victoria was constantly on the move setting up new Crisis One points at stations across the US. There wasn't a lot of time for texting.

"She came to help me fill in the blanks with the kids while I tried to settle back into life without the last three years of memories."

"Wow. Just like that."

Carina raised a brow in her direction, unsure what she was getting at.

"I mean. Look, she was always whipped for you."

Did Victoria know something Carina didn't? Or, was just speaking strictly in past tense?

"I'm not sure what that means, but she would definitely do anything for Tori and Elia."

Vic nodded, "Of course she would."

"Did you stay in touch with Maya? I don't really know how long you've been traveling for work."

"Almost three years now actually, and as much as I love it, being on the road is exhausting. The shine has worn off now. It's impossible to maintain a relationship, it's hard to catch up with friends when I'm in Seattle for shorter visits every time. I'm reaching the point where I want to be back here and simply stationed as the boss who answers questions."

"Is that an option?"

"I have no idea actually," she said with a shrug. "I'm sure I could ask, maybe after I finish setting up Crisis One in Austin. Anyway, no. I didn't stay in touch with Maya. Everyone told me she fucked up," she said with a shrug, "and I hadn't heard from her for a while before that anyway, a few months probably, so I guess I just accepted that she fucked up. Then I heard she'd moved to another station. Then I heard she made Battalion Chief. That was really the last thing I heard until she had her accident, and then after that, nothing."

"Who told you about her accident because as far as I'm aware, nobody checked in on her at the hospital except Robert Sullivan."

Vic made a face at the mention of Sullivan's name and shrugged, "It must have been Travis. He's the only one I stay in regular contact with."

Carina shook her head. She wasn't sure what to say. She wasn't sure what to ask. Vic was the least culpable in a sense, she hadn't actively abandoned Maya in her greatest time of need. Still, she had heard the stories about how Maya had been there for Vic when Ripley had died, and before that, when she had gone through her fear of fire. Why was it so easy for her friends to accept the help she so willingly offered when they couldn't extend her the same grace.

"You're mad." It wasn't a question, Victoria was simply stating a fact.

"I am."

"You're mad at us on behalf of Maya?" This time it was a question.

"I am," Carina confirmed. "It's hard to sort through all my feelings," she said honestly. "I don't remember the end of our relationship or the hurt I caused her. But I can see how much it changed her life and it's hard to accept that I did that and it's harder to accept that everyone abandoned her without even asking what happened."

"I should have asked her what happened, but when I asked you, you said you weren't interested in discussing it. But you're right, I didn't ask and I didn't give her the benefit of the doubt either. You know how Maya was."

"Was," Carina agreed. "From my estimation she hasn't been that Maya for a very long time. Tori hated her," she said trying to hold back a sob. "Because of me. I wasn't there, but Tori was mad at Maya. As if everything else wasn't awful enough, she would come home to angry children who wanted to be with me instead."

"They were just little kids," Victoria said in attempt to soothe her friend.

"They were, they are, and it doesn't matter how many times you tell yourself that, it still hurts when they are angry with you. It still hurts when they reject your affection. Maya hasn't had any friends. All these years, Victoria. She's been an island of one and I desperately want to make things right. I am trying so hard, but I'm finding it so hard to forgive myself. When I think about the aftermath," she sighed, "I created chaos and I left her in the chaos to clean up while I went off and," she couldn't finish her sentence. "We kissed," she said changing the subject.

"Okay! Tell me more about that," Vic grinned.

"Well, the first time was when she said it was time for her to move out. The second time was on our fourth date."

Vic's eyebrows shot up as her eyes widened, "Twice, huh? And fourth date? I feel like you're leaving so much out."

Carina's head fell back against the couch. "We've been going on dates. We haven't gone beyond kissing, but I desperately want to. I feel like my body is on fire every time she touches me."

"Is this an exclusive relationship or is she out there chasing tail still?"

Carina made a face, "I don't think we can call it a relationship, but I don't think she's out there chasing tail. We have children, Victoria. I don't think she would be dating me like this and dating other people when we're trying to put our family back together. We're dating with purpose."

"Oh, like those mega-sized families. But…"

"Don't say it. I know who she was before we met, but she just broke up with someone and they had been dating for two months without having sex."

Vic leaned in, "Shut the fuck up."

Carina lifted her head from the couch cushion and looked sideways at her friend. "Excuse me?"

"First of all, I cannot fathom Maya Bishop going two months without sex and secondly, I cannot fathom Maya Bishop going two months without sex."

"Apparently it was longer for us before I served her with divorce papers.

"Shut the fuck up," Vic repeated.

"No, I will not!" Carina snapped.

"But you two love sex. Were you dating anyone?"

Carina shrugged, "I don't know, but I don't think so. There's nothing in my phone to suggest I was and Amelia doesn't seem to think I was. If I was, they should have been in contact by now so I think it's safe to say I was single."

"Have you considered getting an STD test?"

"What?" Carina looked offended, not at the suggestion of safety, but at the suggestion that she wouldn't have already had STD tests regularly if she was actively having sex.

"Better safe than sorry," she said with a shrug, "And maybe you should make Maya get one, too, just before you take her to bed again."

"Maybe you should call her and apologize for being a terrible friend," she shot back, "And while you're apologizing, apologize for suggesting she get an STD test."

Vic threw her head back and laughed. "I am not doing your dirty work, but I do owe her an apology. "I'll just send an apology text though. It's probably for the best, she's a big boss and if I want to settle back here I'll need her on my side."

"Don't tell her that part when you apologize," Carina sighed.

"So, do you think you're gonna get back together?"

Carina nodded. "I do because I can't bear the thought of anything else."

"Damn, for a woman who divorced her wife in the coldest way possible, you sure are in your feelings about your ex-wife."

"I was manic!" she shouted.

"We were on a break!" Vic laughed. "Anyway, what do the kids make of all of this?"

"The kids don't know anything about us dating. We have gone to great lengths to go out when they're in school or with friends. The less they know the better, it gives us time to figure it out without worrying about their feelings."

Vic nodded, "Smart. And Katherine?"

Carina shot Vic a look.

"If Maya doesn't have any friends, who else do you think she'd talk to about this?"

"Andy," she shrugged.

"Andy?" Vic seemed surprised. Maybe she and Andy hadn't kept in touch. If Vic hadn't learned of the situation from Andy, where had she heard it?

Carina nodded, "She got in touch with Maya after my accident. They've been seeing each other."

"Damn. After all that? Maya just… forgave her?"

"She hasn't forgiven her, at least not yet, but I think we're all underestimating just how lonely it's been for her."

Vic nodded, "Fuck. Now I feel like an even worse friend, not as bad as Andy, though, so she'll probably at least talk to me."

Carina wanted to say you should, but she held her tongue. But you should. So, she was too polite to say it, that didn't mean she couldn't still think it. Besides, it was the truth.

~~~

Vic didn't think that Carina meant she should apologize immediately, but her intention became clear when she sat on the couch staring at her until she heard the message send. She looked satisfied with herself. Apparently she was right about how lonely Maya had been because it didn't take long for her to receive a response, and it took even less time for her to agree to meet for drinks. It would be a good opportunity for Vic to mend fences, and also mention how much she misses being rooted in Seattle. It was a win-win. For Vic. For Maya? A partial win. Hey, a win is a win, no matter what percentage it comes in.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't my favorite Battalion Chief!"

Maya looked around as she approached Vic's table. "Who?"

Vic rolled her eyes and stood to embrace Maya in a hug. It was a risky move, especially because she had only offered a brief apology at this point. Much to her surprise, Maya rolled with it, wrapping both arms around her in an almost bear hug. What the fuck?

"So, where are you setting up the latest Crisis One?" Maya asked as the bartender delivered a bottle of beer to their shared table.

"You're a Battalion Chief, you must be privy to that information," Vic smirked, taking a swig from her bottle of beer.

Maya shrugged, "I have enough to keep up with."

"Austin. Well, Austin is next. I just finished in Sacramento. I am so tired."

"Is it getting too much? Being on the road all the time?" Maya's face showed genuine concern, just another reminder that Vic was a fucking piece of shit friend.

She nodded, "It is, I miss being in one place. Don't get me wrong, it's rewarding. I have met a lot of incredible people, we have been doing amazing things. The work that we are doing in invaluable, but I am exhausted and I am ready to like manage it from home. I just don't know if that's an option."

"Aren't you the boss?"

"No, I'm a boss. Like you, you are a boss, but not the boss."

"Well, tell them you're tired of traveling and then tell them to find a position for you in Seattle. Do you want me to stomp my feet and demand a position be made for a superstar who would be best utilized in Seattle?"

Vic laughed, "Yeah, actually, but seriously, I'm going to at least ask. They can figure it out while I'm in Austin."

They clinked their beers together and fell into a companionable silence. Well, it was more companionable for Victoria, and sheer panic about how to socialize for Maya.

"I saw Carina."

Maya nodded, "I figured that was why you texted me."

Vic laughed, "She is very protective for an ex-wife."

"I think it's the guilt talking, but I appreciate it nonetheless."

"Have you been giving her a hard time?" Vic glared at her and Maya immediately shook her head. "No, but I think that's the problem. I think she wishes I would give her a hard time, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It would be like shouting at a puppy."

"She's not a harmless puppy," Vic reminded her, "She's a grown ass woman."

Maya sighed, "She is a harmless puppy in the sense that she doesn't know what went on so I can't hold it against her."

"And she doesn't know what went on so she can't hold it against herself, which is why she's holding it against all of us. Deserved," she said raising her hands as if in surrender. "I'm not saying we don't deserve it. Just, it makes sense. So, who are you blaming?"

"I'm not blaming anyone. As weird as it sounds, it feels like we've been given a second chance. That's what I've been waiting for since the day those papers were handed to me. I just held on, hoping she would change her mind."

"Did you make a wish, Maya Bishop? Did you say it loud three times while you turned around or did you throw a penny in a fountain?" Vic leaned in closer, "Did you wish upon a star for Carina to get amnesia?"

Maya laughed loudly before nodding, "Oh, absolutely, that's exactly what I did. I met Zoltar at the fair and that trickster got me real good."

Vic giggled. "She said you've been dating?"

Maya nodded, "I'm working really hard in therapy to get past the heavy emotions and reconcile that Carina and this Carina, dating seemed like a good way to keep things moving forward."

"Okay, but you better fuck her soon because girl is down bad."

Maya's eyes widened as she spluttered on her beer. "Vic!"

"Maya, she said you never had sex with that lady you were with. Unless you're dating around, what exactly are you waiting for? Oh, sorry about the STD test she's going to ask you to take. I swore I wouldn't do her dirty work by telling you it was coming, but you made me feel bad so I'm doing it."

Maya's face burned red. Why was everyone was fucking obsessed with her sex life?

"I hope you've been keeping yours up-to-date, just so there aren't any nasty surprises."

"Carina is the last person I slept with so if there are any nasty surprises it's because she gave them to me."

Vic made a face, "How is that, she literally just told me you haven't had sex yet."

Maya looked at Vic intently and waited patiently for the penny to drop. It did, but slowly. She could see recognition start to set in when her eyes shifted slightly, as if she was trying to remember something. Awareness spread to her eyebrows next, as they lifted in surprise and her mouth followed, chin dropping. She pointed across the table and shook her head. "Shut the fucking front door."

Maya shrugged with a sigh, she would not respond aloud. It was enough that she had shared the information, again, she didn't need to say it out loud on top of it.

"Oh, well, enjoy your clean test results, congratulations in advance."

Maya laughed and shook her head, "I haven't missed you at all."

Vic smiled, "Now we both know that's a lie, but seriously, are you going to tell her?"

"My therapist would tell me I should because it's me being vulnerable with her. My head says absolutely the fuck not."

"She would lose her mind. Not in a bad way, I just think she would be shocked. She's definitely going to feel bad about it. I mean, sex is like your favorite thing and you've just been going without it. That would be like my parents giving up pierogi. Live Travis giving up cooking. Maya, it would be like Carina giving up, I don't know, being Italian."

"So, you're saying I should tell her? Or I shouldn't tell her?"

"How the hell should I know? That is above my pay-grade. Listen to your therapist. I don't know."

"My therapist brought up STD tests, too. I guess I had hoped Carina would just go and get herself tested and assume that I have been responsible enough to do the same."

"Yeah, that's on me. I brought it up. But hey, if your therapist brought it up, her therapist brought it up. So, I can't take all the blame, nor do I deserve all the blame. We all played a role in this."

"Well, hey, aren't you a sight for sore eyes?" Vic called over Maya's shoulder, grinning and waving wildly. She looked like a Sims townie sans the mismatched outfit. Maya turned to look behind her and saw Andy approaching their table with four bottles in hand.

Andy leaned in to hug Vic, sliding bottles in everyone's direction and keeping two for herself before giving Maya a brief shoulder squeeze as she sat down. "Sorry I'm late, my boss can be a real ballbuster, she wants those incident reports in by end of shift every time. Even when she's off and you get called out five minutes before finish."

Maya smirked.

"So, what did I miss?" Andy asked, draining her first beer quickly. "Gotta catch up, right?"

"Yes! I love that attitude. Why don't you ask Andy's opinion?" Vic asked looking at Maya. Sure, she couldn't be sure Maya had informed Andy of this, but if they had met up several times there was a good chance she had. She told Vic, why wouldn't she have shared such private information with Andy as well?

Andy raised a brow as she turned to Maya, "Ask Andy's opinion on what?"

"Victoria, in her wisdom, told Carina to ask for STD tests before we are physical with each other. My therapist thinks I should tell her why that test is guaranteed to come back clean. Vic was no help whatsoever."

Andy leaned in, "You told Vic?!"

Vic grinned, "I just have one of those faces. People want to tell me things, what can I say?" she shrugged and took another pull of her beer before signaling to the bartender for another round.

"I think you should tell Carina," Andy said firmly. "Start as you mean to go on."

"Tell Carina what?"

Oh, darn.

Chapter Text

"I'm dreaming, right?" Maya asked, pinching Vic's arm.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Vic squealed, "If you're dreaming, pinch your damn self!"

"I'll say it again – tell Carina what?" Carina was starting to look annoyed now.

"Carina!" Andy shouted, "Long time, no see! It's good to see you out and about again."

Carina's eyes narrowed. "Thank you, but the accident wasn't really that serious. Now, tell me what?"

"This is not really the correct forum for that conversation," Maya sighed, "but I promise I will tell you on our next date." She made a cross over her heart, just like she did when making promises to the children and Carina immediately softened.

"I won't forget," she warned.

"Are you sure about that?" Maya smirked. She knew it was a dangerous joke to make in company, but they had been growing more playful with each other, it was a good opportunity to test the waters. Vic and Andy giggled, clearly unsure how to react before seeing how Carina would respond.

"Oh, we're making amnesia jokes now? That's nice, can we also make ex-wife jokes?" she countered with a dramatically raised brow.

Andy and Vic guffawed as Maya ducked her head in embarrassment.

"I just came over to say hi, I'll see you later" she said, disappearing back to her table with a wink and a wave.

"Ummm," Vic held onto the 'm' for several beats, "I don't mean to question your parenting skills, but if you are both in a bar in the middle of the day, where are your children?"

"They're having a day out with my Mom. She wasn't spending as much time with them when I was staying at Carina's so she wanted to take them out for a special day."

"Is your mom your best friend?" Vic teased, though if she had taken a moment to think that through she might not have made a joke touching on Maya having no friends.

"Yes," Maya nodded.

"Is this foreplay?" Andy interrupted.

Vic squeaked. "Excuse me? I mean, don't get me wrong, I think we would be very compatible sexually. If Maya Bishop can satisfy Carina DeLuca, then Maya Bishop can satisfy Victoria Hughes, but what the fuck, Andy?"

"Not this," Andy rolled her eyes and gestured between Maya and Vic, "but we will absolutely be circling back to that you little freak. That," she said gesturing to Maya and Carina's table. "Are you here to have some drinks with friends just so you can disappear together?"

The pink dusting across Maya's cheeks suggested Andy might be onto something.

"What about STD tests?" Andy asked.

"Carina's had time to get hers done since I saw her, maybe she decided not to ask you after all," Vic smiled, still trying to wriggle her way out of taking the blame for the debacle.

"If she presents you with STD test results, you can gift her your virginity that grew back."

Vic's laugh came so suddenly and violently beer shot out of her nose as she choked on it at the same time. "Fuck, I've missed this," she coughed.

Maya cleared her throat and stood abruptly, "So, anyway, yeah, I'm going to go because you were right, that's precisely what we're doing. I'll see you two later," she smirked, disappearing without giving them a chance to respond.

~~~

Vic was right, Carina had had time to have an STD test done and she slipped the results across the counter once they were at Maya's place.

Maya leaned forward, "So, who have you been having sex with?"

Now, why the fuck did you open your big stupid mouth?

She also leaned forward, "Just myself."

Fuck. She was so lucky. Ugh.

"Obviously nobody else was memorable," Carina joked with a smirk.

How often does the average human swallow? Because, Maya was suddenly having some trouble. Her mouth was abruptly so unexpectedly dry... she quickly realized it was because it was hanging open. There was no hope for her to look cool here. There was no room for recovery. That much became clear when Carina leaned over to close her mouth, finger gently tapping her chin upward. Oh Jesus, how utterly embarrassing. There is no coming back from this.

"Well, at least she knows what you like, right?" Not the worst comeback.

She nodded in agreement, "Who have you been having sex with?"

"Also just myself," Maya admitted. "I can go for a test if you want, but I haven't been with anyone since the last time I went." She knew that wasn't the admission that she had agreed on with Andy and Vic. Not that she had explicitly agreed to anything, but it was surely implied once Carina had caught them in the middle of discussing it. She was telling the truth, it just wasn't the whole truth. She didn't swear on a bible when this conversation started.

"When was that?"

Fuck a duck. It's much harder to avoid direct questions.

This was quite the predicament. She could either lie. Or, she could lie. No, no, she could just open her mouth and say it. She could just tell Carina the truth – Carina, there is nobody other than you. Too much. It was too too much.

"I didn't realize it would be such a difficult question," Carina said with a raised eyebrow and a slight smirk on her face.

"It's been a long time," Maya said simply.

"Are you being evasive because I don't know who I've been sleeping with?"

Maya shook her head, "No, honestly, it's not that. It's because of who I've been sleeping with."

"Who have you been sleeping with?"

"Nobody."

"Dio, Maya. What?"

"I haven't slept with anyone."

Carina hesitated. She heard what Maya said, she understood all of the words she had used and even the order she used them in, but she was sure she must have misunderstood it. There is no way she had picked it up properly because there is no way. No way. No way.

"I," Maya blew out a breath, finishing with an extended raspberry that made her lips tingle, "I haven't slept with anyone else since the last time we slept together."

"Before we split up?" She just had to be very sure she was hearing this correctly.

Maya nodded, "Correct."

"Over two years?"

Maya nodded again, "Still correct."

"You haven't had sex in over two years and we have been on several dates and you haven't jumped me? Who are you?"

They laughed.

"Sooo, can I get you a drink?" Maya asked, her face transforming as a wide grin took over her face. "We have soda, purple stuff, chocolate milk, non-alcoholic beer, and I'm sure there's other stuff in the fridge."

"I'll have what you're having."

Maya poured a non-alcoholic beer in a glass and slid it to her across the counter. "You interested in watching a movie or do you want to head straight to the bedroom?"

Carina threw her head back and laughed. "Trust me when I tell you that you do not need to work this hard."

That didn't exactly answer Maya's question, but it sounded like good news for her quest to orgasm. As she considered whether to make a move or not, Carina closed the gap between them, planting a heated kiss on her mouth. Maybe that did answer her question. Maya was only more than happy to open her mouth to deepen the kiss, the carbonation from the beer still lingering on Carina's tongue.

"I'm afraid of dogs."

Carina's eyes opened as she watched Maya pull away. "I'm sorry?"

"Just, I'm afraid of dogs now," Maya admitted. "I got attacked on a call, it was pretty bad actually, and I start to panic every time one comes close. I don't want to have that reaction, but my body doesn't care. I just needed to tell you that in case either of the kids ask for a dog."

Carina smiled, "Okay, I love chocolate so much I get horny thinking about it."

"I learned that I'm deathly allergic to cats, which is a bummer because cats are pretty cool. I like how much they hate everything, but also demand affection. Kinda like me."

"I love you so much I wake up crying when I have dreams of you."

She searched Carina's eyes, looking for any signs of her joking, but she was serious. "Fuck," she breathed, moving closer to kiss her again. It started tenderly, but it quickly stoked the flame that had already been lit and when she opened her mouth it escalated quickly.

They helped each other undress, moving to the bedroom as they did so. By the time they approached the bed they were both fully undressed, so wrapped up in each other they only realized they had arrived when the bed took them both out at the knees. "This feels like coming home," Maya murmured against Carina's lips, shifting her onto her back as she allowed her hands and mouth to roam.

"Oh, it really does, doesn't it?" Carina's hand slipped to the back of Maya's head and pulled her back in for another kiss, her nails grazing along the back of her neck before dipping back into her hair. "My brain might not be on board with how long it's been, but my body certainly feels it."

"Do you know how hard it's been? To be around you and see the Carina I love and not kiss you and touch you? It would have been hard enough to avoid temptation if I had never tasted your lips, but it's so much worse knowing exactly what your mouth is capable of and holding myself at a distance. All I've wanted is to drink freely."

Carina's breath caught in her throat as she looked into Maya's bright blue eyes, now darkened with lust. "Holding myself back from feeling every part of you is tough," she said leaning in, her mouth just a fraction from Carina's.

Carina shifted, angling her mouth even closer, "Sometimes it's better to want than it is to have.'

"I want to have," Maya admitted, "More than anything, I want to have all of you."

Carina looked into Maya's eyes, her lips teasing closer, brushing so lightly it was barely more than a tickle. "Anticipation can heighten everything," she smiled before pulling away slightly.

Maya nodded, standing up and pulling Carina with her so they were face-to-face, "Oh, I'm anticipating alright."

"Come on, show me what you've got," she whispered against Maya's lips.

"Remember when I made you squirt?" she asked suddenly and Carina raised an eyebrow. "When you were dripping before I could even touch you, just so wet in anticipation for what I was going to do to you? I teased you within an inch of your life and the longer it went, the wetter you got, dripping down your leg, onto the bed, just for me. I finally used my tongue on you and I had to swallow some of your arousal because I'd have probably fallen in otherwise. When I was finally finished and you came, you squirted all over me. That is the sexiest I have ever felt in my life, knowing that I could do that to you. Knowing just how much power I had over your excitement, seeing how weak you were for me. I would have done anything for you," Maya admitted.

Carina's lips were on Maya's before she could say anything else, turning to push her onto the bed before Maya used strong arms and legs to flip her onto her back.

"Oh my God, I have missed this so much," Carina murmured as she laid kiss after kiss on Maya's neck before Maya took the reins, her mouth immediately on Carina's. "I love your mouth," Carina whispered, "and I really love kissing it, but there's somewhere else I'd much rather it be." Maya nodded, slipping onto the floor as she pulled Carina into position. Wasting no time, Maya spread Carina's legs, kissing and licking the inside of each thigh before giving her what she wanted.

She groaned as Maya spread her lips and her tongue made contact. "Fuck,", she murmured, already breathing heavily.

Maya's gaze flicked up to hers and they maintained eye contact as she flattened her tongue to explore every inch of her, before finally allowing the apex of her tongue to settle right on the money. Carina's hands slipped into her hair, grasping firmly as Maya licked and sucked. As she bucked harder and faster Maya pulled her to the edge of the bed, tossing her legs over her shoulders in a bid to bury her tongue deeper. Carina sighed heavily at the slight reprieve from intense stimulation, but it didn't last long, with Maya hitting the sweet spot while plunging two fingers where her tongue had evacuated.

Carina hissed a labored fuck yes as Maya's tongue worked her over until finally she found her release. Her body uncoiled like a newly released spring, her legs dangling loosely over Maya's shoulders as she continue scattering kisses over her thighs and stomach. She sat up and stared at Maya in wonder, "You are incredible," she slipped her hand behind Maya's neck and leaned in for a deep kiss. "It's like we never stopped."

Carina sighed into her mouth, "Now, tell me what I can do for you, Bambina."

"I thought maybe we could take a shower before we have a snack," Maya paused, pretending she didn't notice the slight disappointment on Carina's face, "But before we do that, maybe you want to strap on?"

Carina's eyes widened as she gasped, "Really?" she bounced onto her feet, jumping up and down clapping.

Maya laughed, "I forgot how incredible you look naked, and how delicious you taste, and how loud you can be."

Carina laughed.

"And how dirty your laugh is."

"I forgot how turned on you get from turning me on, it's definitely your best trait. Well, that, and your tongue," she said with a smile as she leaned in for another kiss, "Now, fetch me my toy so I can dominate the shit out of you."

Suitably strapped and lubricated, Carina stood at the end of the bed watching Maya settle onto her back. "Do you need to be tied up?"

She shook her head, slowly opening her legs in invitation, "No, but I do need your tongue in my mouth."

Carina nodded with a smile, climbing onto the bed and hovering above her, wasting no time slipping her tongue in Maya's mouth for a languid kiss. Carina grabbed under one thigh, slipping Maya's leg over her hip as she wasted no time pushing inside her. They groaned together, Maya as the dildo filled her and Carina as the vibration made contact with her clit. "How do you want it?" she asked, pressing kisses across Maya's chest.

"Fast and hard," she moaned as Carina increased her rhythm. The harder and faster she pushed, the more Carina's rhythm stuttered as the vibrations amped her up and pushed her over the edge time and time again. "I didn't know making you cum was going to make me cum so many times," she murmured trying to refocus her rhythm.

Maya laughed, "Why do you think I asked you to fuck me hard and fast?"

Carina groaned as another orgasm rocked her body. She pulled out suddenly, unable to take any more, quickly tossing the strap aside and diving between Maya's legs mouth-first to finish the job. Carina smirked as her orgasm was almost immediate and Maya sat up to clutch the back of her head as she rode her mouth to another. "God I've missed you," Carina panted, meeting Maya in a messy kiss.

"Why don't I sit on your face so you show me how much?"

Carina didn't waste time, her hand immediately reached out to slip around Maya's waist, tugging her closer. Her other hand slipped behind Maya's neck, bringing their mouths together in a long, lingering kiss moaning as they both opened their mouths. "Sono davvero fortunata," she sighed against their lips before delving in for another kiss before shifting her attention further down Maya's body, exploring with mouth and hands, fingertips dancing across her ribcage, stomach, and thighs.

"Good start," Maya hummed, tangling her fingers in Carina's hair as she moved lower still.

"I'm ready to taste you again," she informed her and Maya nodded wordlessly eyes moving to look directly into Carina's, one brow raised.

"Per favore," she whispered, laying back on the bed and beckoning Maya to climb aboard. Once in position, she allowed her hands to go on an exploration of thighs, tugging Maya closer. The moment her tongue met intimate flesh, Maya groaned.

"Bene bene bene," Carina laughed, "Wow, you taste so good." Her hands continued to explore while her mouth was hard at work, pushing Maya higher and higher until she was shuddering into her release. As she climaxed Carina eased her down before working her right back up again, repeatedly, laughing breathlessly.

~~

"I am in this with you, you know?" Maya said breaking the comfortable silence they had been enjoying while cuddled under a thin sheet. "I maybe haven't been clear around about that. Just because I still have stuff to work through in therapy doesn't mean I'm not in it, we just need to pace it."

"Okay," Carina whispered against her neck "So maybe we should pace this too? Il sesso?" she said before pulling her into another kiss. "In the levels of sex, I think I love you sex is somewhere near the top," she shifted their bodies so she was in Maya's lap as she continued the kiss. "Slow and steady," she whispered, briefly breaking the kiss, fingertips trailed from Maya's face to her neck shoulders and continued slowly, tantalizingly lower on their path.

"I didn't actually say it, though," Maya said pulling back, "You did, but I didn't say the words."

Carina opened her eyes to look into Maya's. She wasn't sure whether she should be offended or wait for Maya to collect her scattered thoughts.

"I mean, I do. I do love you," she nodded holding her gaze.

"You really had me in the first half," she smiled.

Maya laughed, drawing her back into for another soft kiss. "But um. I never stopped loving you, things aren't just okay because we admitted we're still in love with each other."

Carina nodded, "Of course. So, are we pacing sex or are you going to make me cum again?"

Maya laughed loudly, gripping the backs of Carina's thighs firmly before flipping her on her back and initiating a deep, probing kiss.

"Oh wow, when I said the thing about sex levels, I meant it, but I didn't expect you to take it so literally."

"You have to relearn my levels, don't you? There are a lot of them," she smirked, planting kisses across her jaw, neck, and down her chest. "I'm going to pace this so slowly you might just orgasm without me ever touching your clit."

Carina moaned in response to that as Maya's lips and teeth took a nipple firmly in her mouth.

"Fuck."

Maya took her time, kissing, licking, nibbling, and teasing every inch of Carina's body. "You are a goddess, I hope you know that," her breath was short by the time Maya kissed her way back up her body to find her mouth. "You are unbearably sexy, and just so beautiful. Sometimes it's hard to look directly at you because you shine so brightly." Carina released a shuddering breath as Maya's clever mouth continued its work.

Carina's hands found their way into Maya's hair, gripping tightly, "I believe you, I believe you, but please touch my clit."

Maya laughed, nodding as they kissed her mouth again, "With my hands or my mouth?"

"Yes," Carina moaned.

Maya smirked as she kissed her way back down Carina's body, spreading her legs as she did.

"Oh fuck, this isn't going to take long at all," Carina half laughed as Maya's mouth went on an exploratory journey before her tongue dipped inside. She worked quickly, pushing her over the edge and coaxing her through the shuddering aftershock. Carina's thighs were still clamped tightly around Maya's head, but her fingers relaxed their grip on her hair. "No more," she gasped, "No more, I can't take any more. Come kiss me."

Maya complied with her request immediately, messily kissing her with her face still smeared with Carina's arousal.

"Well, that was thrilling," she said with a shaky laugh.

"And would you still rate I love you sex in the top sex levels?" Maya asked with a smirk.

"Are you kidding me?" she wrapped her hands around the back of her neck to force her to make eye contact. "It's at the very top now. You know, you tell me I'm a goddess, but look at you," she said motioning her hand around Maya's body, "you are the deity."

Maya laughed, "As much as I appreciate the compliment, you are definitely looking at me through lust colored glasses."

"No," Carina said firmly, shaking her head. "I think that all the time, I just don't say it out loud. Ti adoro. Don't forget it."

~~~

"I don't want to be the one to steal us from this lavender haze, but we should probably talk about that," Maya sighed as they sat at the kitchen counter with snacks.

"What, to like exchange notes? Much like the donut tour, I did not take notes."

Maya laughed, "Carina, be serious."

"I was being serious. I had a very good time. 10/10, would recommend, but I do not want to share."

Maya rolled her eyes. "I mean moving forward. At one point do we tell the kids we're… seeing each other? At what point do we tell other people? How long do we wait before having the moving in conversation? Do we wait until we're upon that precipice to tell the kids? Are we going steady now or do you want to see other people?"

"Basta!" Carina held a hand up, pointing at herself, "I don't want to see other people. Do you want to see other people?" she asked, her point shifting in Maya's direction. Maya shook her head, "Absolutely not, no. I'm just making sure we're on the same page."

"As for the rest," Carina shrugged, "We can only take it as it comes. The bambini don't need to know anything, but maybe we could start by having you hang out at home with us more often. They got used to you being around all the time, so they'd probably like it if it was more than dinner once a week. Maybe I could come here and hang out with everyone, too, so they get used to us spending time together. They should see us being friendly."

Maya nodded in agreement, "Yeah, that sounds good actually. Smart."

"It gives us plenty of time and then when you decide to move home it won't seem out of the blue, but it will be a solid move that doesn't upset anything."

Maya nodded again. "Okay. So, we are going steady?"

"We won't be if you call it that one more time," Carina joked.

"Okay, forgive me for being awkward and unsure of how to properly phrase monogamous relationship."

"You could have just said monogamous relationship."

Maya made a face. "So, should we have a movie night with the kids? My mom and I are coming for dinner anyway, so we could just make a night of it?"

Carina nodded with a smile, "I would love that."

~~~

Carina smiled as she watched Elia snuggle up in the armchair with Katherine while Tori took up residence curled in Maya's lap. She desperately wished they were at a point where she could press herself against Maya's side, but it didn't feel as far away as it did before. In all honesty, she wouldn't have predicted their journey being as smooth as it had been. She was reminded of Maya's comment at their wedding about front-loading the drama and how untrue that had turned out to be. So, the path would no doubt twist and dip from time to time, maybe a dramatic nosedive here and there, but she was choosing to focus on the positive. It was difficult to see it any other way after the day they had just had and the evening that was unfolding before them. It couldn't have been more perfect.

She smiled as she caught Maya's eye over the top of Tori's head. Her cheeks pinked when Maya returned her smile with a wink. She shook her head with a roll of her eyes, despite the smile remaining firmly in place.

"Mama, can we have some soda?" The fact that Tori directed her question to her rather than Maya whose lap she was cuddled in made her feel warm. She wasn't stupid, though, she knew she was asking Carina because Maya would say no. This was the first time either of the children had directed such a challenging question to her in Maya's presence. It was her scheduled time with the children so the decision was firmly in her court, yet she was worried Maya might judge her response. Though, it had been Maya herself that had given Tori soda on their first post-amnesia movie night.

She made a show of checking the time, "I think it's a little too late for soda, il mio sole, but if you are thirsty I can get you some water."

Tori sighed heavily, clearly trying to decide whether she was, in fact, thirsty or simply wanted a sugary beverage. She eventually nodded her acceptance of water. Eating popcorn is thirsty work.

Elia waited for Carina to sit down after fetching Tori's water before asking for his own drink. Carina bit back a sigh and disappeared back into the kitchen. This time she opted to fill a pitcher and grabbed a stack of cups. A move straight off of a Maya Bishop clipboard.

Maya laughed when Carina sat the pitcher down and poured Elia's cup of water. She raised an eyebrow, looking directly at Maya. "Would you like some water?"

Maya nodded. "Katherine," Carina asked without turning, "would you like some water?"

"No, thank you, dear," she chuckled, helping Elia adjust in her lap so he could comfortably down his cup of water only to demand more.

"Having regrets about hosting movie night?" Maya teased.

"Just regrets about inviting you," Carina shot back, sticking her tongue out.

Once the movie ended, Katherine said her goodbyes and Maya took Tori through her bedtime routine while Carina did the same with Elia. They traded rooms to ensure both children received equal goodnight wishes. Reunited in the living room, they exchanged a brief kiss. "We should be careful with that when little ears are near and little feet sneak," Maya smiled, offering another kiss despite her warning.

"Oh, so I guess staying over is out of the question."

She chuckled quietly, knowing Carina wasn't serious. Well, she would probably seriously enjoy Maya staying over, but knew it was too soon to have that discussion with their children.

"I've had a wonderful day," Carina smiled. "And this was a really lovely way to end it. Are you coming here tomorrow morning before Tori's match or will you meet us there?"

"I have to drive by you anyway, so we might as well all meet here and then ride together. My mom is working so she won't be able to make it. And, I had a really great time today too," Maya said with a shy smile.

"It gets harder to say goodbye to you every time," she admitted with a sigh.

Maya nodded in agreement. "Like you said, sometimes it's better to want than to have," she smirked.

Carina laughed, "Like you said, I want to have all of you."

"You're going to use my won words against me?"

"As you did me."

"Sure, but it's fine when I do it," she smiled. "Okay, I should really go. Otherwise it will get even harder to say goodbye." Though she made a move to the front door, she lingered with her fingers on the handle. "Maybe just one quick goodbye kiss," she suggested.

Carina nodded, leaning in to meet Maya in the softest, sweetest kiss she had ever experienced. "I'll see you tomorrow," Maya whispered, leaning in to press a kiss to Carina's cheek.

She leaned her back against the door after locking it behind Maya and sighed dreamily. They were making plans, talking about their future, and having fun together like they had been reborn. They were in love.

Chapter Text

One year later

"So, what do you think?"

Maya folded her hands on the table and took a deep breath. "I think things just got very serious," she said looking around the table before sighing heavily. "And I think you're bluffing," she said seriously, eyes leveled on Tori's face. She picked up her cards and pushed a stack of pretzels into the pot in the middle of the table. "I call."

Tori displayed her cards – a pair. Elia had nothing in his hand, but he didn't quite grasp the concept of the game, he was just happy to be included and he'd eaten his pretzels before the second hand anyway. Maya smirked, laying her hand on the table triumphantly. "You're not beating my four of a kind."

"Not so fast, Maya Bishop," Carina put her hand on Maya's wrist just as she moved to collect her winnings. "I have a Royal Flush and that makes me the winner of all the pretzels."

Maya gasped, "Are you cheating, Mama?"

"I cannot believe that you would accuse me of cheating and in my own home? You, Maya Bishop, remain a sore loser." She snapped one of the pretzels in half between her lips, shaking her head in disappointment. "And what kind of message do you think that sends the bambini?"

Tori laughed, "Mama, you called the ref a cheat to her face at my last match."

"She was awful and I swear I saw one of the players from the other team get in her minivan after the match, she was obviously biased" Carina grumbled. "I don't even think she knew the rules of the game! They just yanked her out of her folding chair and handed her a whistle!"

Maya laughed, "Okay babies, why don't you go get yourselves ready for bed, into your jammies, and we'll watch a movie before I go. Before Mama gets any more steamed up."

Their movie nights had expanded beyond just the four of them over the last year, with Katherine joining whenever she was off work and Vic turning up for almost all of them. She had managed to convince the powers that be at Crisis One to establish her in Seattle in a more senior role. While she did have a firm friendship with Andy, she was more likely to find herself spending time with Maya or Carina, or both. Even Gabri would join movie nights when she was in town, which was more often than previously. As it turned out, Gabri hadn't disconnected from the children – Maya had facilitated visits between them whenever Gabri visited town. Though they hadn't become friends exactly, they had a much warmer relationship than they had in years gone by.

While Gabri didn't have a difficult time forgiving Carina for the blip in their friendship, Maya was still struggling to do the same with Andy. As much as she had appreciated the shoulder she offered, she couldn't just ignore the history. She couldn't ignore the absence of that shoulder in her darkest moment. They could run into each other and catch up, they were friendly enough in a professional setting, but she wasn't going to go out of her way to nurture a best friendship, certainly not even a close friendship. The time she spent with Vic was a tonic, and when Andy joined them it was like nothing had ever changed. It didn't matter how it felt in the moment, though, Maya knew it would never be like the old days. They would be like bus drivers who honk and wave at passing bus drivers. She had made her peace with that.

Tonight's movie night, though, was just the four of them. As the kids raced off to complete their tasks Carina smiled across the table at Maya. "Don't you think it's time you stay over after movie nights?"

Maya raised an eyebrow, "We have sleepovers all the time, I just happen to have an early shift tomorrow."

Carina shook her head, "That's not what I meant. I should have spoken more clearly – don't you think it's time you stay over every night?"

"What like, move in?" Maya seemed surprised, but if Carina was being perfectly honest with herself she expected it to come up much sooner. It had been a year, after all. Still, she didn't want to push Maya any faster than she seemed comfortable.

"Yes, Maya, like move in," Carina said with a small nod and a little smirk.

She nodded. "Sounds good to me, but it will have to wait until after my shift tomorrow," she smiled.

"Just like that? No conversation about what the bambini think?"

"It's not like they don't know we've been dating," she shrugged, "I'm sure they won't be surprised considering how often we have sleepovers," she winked "We've been dating again for a year, we're overdue."

Carina grinned. "Overdue?"

Maya nodded, abandoning her seat, to pull a chair closer to Carina. "Well overdue," she smiled as she leaned in for a double kiss. "Considering we used to be married, we could have fast-tracked this entire relationship and nobody would have said a word."

Carina laughed, "Oh, I'm sure people would have had plenty of words for you - how can you trust her after that or maybe are you sure about this or my personal favorite - her? And you can tell Bartlett I haven't forgiven and won't forget that comment."

Maya stifled a laugh, choosing a distraction and rubbing Carina's thigh instead. "You know she's just being protective. She had a front row seat for almost everything, but she's been rooting for us ever since I gave her the backstory."

Carina huffed. "At least someone asked for the story before solidifying their judgement."

"So, I will go back to my place tonight after the movie. When I get to work tomorrow I will call a real estate agent to get the house on the market. When I finish work tomorrow night, I will pack a suitcase or two and come straight home. I can probably make it in time for dinner, just if you wanted to make something special to welcome me home," she said with a grin. "Then, I will let professional movers handle absolutely everything else because the last time I moved, I almost died."

"This entire time you have never once referred to your house as home, but you always say home when talking about this house."

Maya shrugged, "I don't want to get mushy or anything, but you know why that is – you're my home, you and the kids." Maya moved to stand, grabbing Carina around the waist to pull her up with her. "I didn't expect to have to play such a long game, but hey, we made it."

"You know, I once told my psychiatrist I was thankful for the amnesia because it gave us a second chance. I think about it all the time, how true it turned out to be," she was smiling as she threaded the fingers of her left hand through Maya's hair while the right traced her jawline.

Maya nodded, "I feel pretty thankful too."

~~~

Epilogue

"Come with me," Maya smiled taking Carina by the hand, leading her into a waiting elevator, "I have it on good authority there's an incredible view to be had."

"I've never been here," Carina admitted.

"Really? Night is the best time for me, all the lights make for quite a sight. But the view at dusk is pretty incredible, too."

"Do you come up here often?"

Maya nodded, "Kind of actually. Sometimes I just need an epic view as a reminder of how small I am. The Grand Canyon is too far."

Carina smiled at Maya as she led her to the 73rd floor and gasped when she finally took the view in. "Okay, you were right, dusk is the best time," she let go of her hand and approached the glass, taking a deep breath as she enjoyed the landscape sprawling before her.

Maya stood behind her, ring box open, waiting for her to turn around. It didn't take long, Carina wondering where she had disappeared to. She let out a gentle gasp as her eyes landed on Maya, her hand covering her mouth.

"I workshopped about a million different scenarios before I settled on this one because in every play-through in my mind, you figured it out too quickly," Maya smiled at her. "I thought a trip to the Sky View Observatory was a normal enough date as not to arouse suspicion. I don't want to just move back in. I want to do it all. We have taken the wildest path possible to reach this point, and as painful as a lot of it has been, I wouldn't change a single second of it because the fact that we're here in this moment right now is all the evidence I need to know we got it right."

Carina laughed through falling tears as she nodded in agreement. Maya leaned forward to offer her a pack of tissues. "I love you, Carina, and I can't imagine a timeline or universe where we aren't each other's endgame. Maybe in some of those universes, we find each other sooner, maybe in some, it comes when we're old and gray, and maybe we have a baker's dozen kids who drive us crazy in another. But, in every single one of them, we end up together and we end every night in bed, delighted with each other."

"Dio."

"Will you marry me? Again?"

Carina nodded, wiping her still falling tears with the tissues provided. As Maya took a step forward, Carina rushed to meet her halfway, wrapping her arms around Maya's neck as they met in a tender kiss. "You are such a romantic. Soft Maya Bishop is my favorite," she sighed against her mouth.

"Do you want to elope?" Maya grinned.

"Will you be the one who tells Tori she doesn't get to be a flower girl?"

Maya shook her head, "No way, she has her Mama's temperament."

"You say yes to one proposal and look at what happens," Carina joked.

Maya waved the ring box, "Did you want to see this or?"

"You didn't just reuse the first ring you bought me?"

Maya shook her head, "No, it's a fresh start so I did it right." Carina smiled as she looked at the ring peeking out from the velvet cushion. It wasn't a traditional engagement ring by any means, but there was nothing traditional about how their relationship had unfolded. Truth be told, Carina didn't have a traditional sense of fashion, especially when it came to jewelry. Maya had chosen perfectly – four barely there gold bands. "One to signify each of us," Maya pointed out, "Better together and all that, but that means no more kids – sorry, I don't want to have another ring commissioned," she said with a laugh.

Carina rolled her eyes, unable to resist leaning in for another kiss. She was pretty sure if she suggested having another baby Maya would say yes without hesitation, but that was something they could deal with later.

The End