Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“C’mon, Ellie, let’s get this wrapped up. We’re already late getting to bed,” Tess barely hears Joel scolding Ellie, stern voice carrying through the floor where she’s currently standing directly under the bathroom. “You just need to come to the bathroom first, baby girl,” he says a bit more softly, maybe responding to something Ellie yelled back that she hadn’t heard, but Tess has already moved to be in the main hall, near enough to the stairs that she can hear their conversation drifting down them instead, ready to provide reinforcements should Joel appear to need them.

“Dad, I told you, I’m not a girl, I’m a baby Ellie-saur,” Tess hears Ellie call from the other end of the hall, little feet stomping back toward the bathroom Joel must be in as he tries to cajole her into brushing her teeth.

“Well, Ellie-saur, it’s bedtime,” Joel calls. Tess can almost envision him leaning out of the hallway bathroom door before she can hear her squeals and laughter and a quieter and then a louder set of footsteps bounding down the hall toward the stairs. 

Her heart races when she hears Ellie take the stairs entirely too quickly, one foot sliding over a step before she catches herself on the handrail and continues her quick trip downstairs. Tess begins to move closer, but it’s futile as Ellie is already jumping the last step, feet sliding a few inches in front of her intended target.

“I need to give mama her bedtime hug,” Ellie giggles, and as she turns the corner, Tess can see her cheeks are flushed from running around the house.

“Ellie Miller, did you just run down those stairs?” Tess asks, hands on her hips, but a little grin creeping across her face anyway as Ellie skids to a stop right before running into her. Ellie has curly wisps already drying and poking out of the wet hair that has been slicked back by the hairbrush, her favorite old NASA t-shirt on, and a pair of worn pajama pants with moons printed on the soft fleece fabric. 

“He was chasing me, mama!” Ellie asserts, pointing an accusatory finger at Joel who has just appeared at the bottom of the stairs before backing up to stand behind Tess.

“You’re getting her riled up right before bed,” Tess tries to lecture, but it can’t come out that way through the grin she has fully embraced at this point.

“Careful, Tess, we’re dealing with a very unpredictable Ellie-saur here. They ain’t been observed in the wild very much, so our understanding of these creatures is limited,” Joel says seriously, crouching and inching closer to Ellie who is still using Tess as an unwilling protective shield. Eventually, Ellie darts, and Joel gently shoves Tess out of the way to pursue her, closing the gap as they reach the kitchen.

Ellie shrieks gleefully when Joel catches her by the waist, swinging her legs that seem to get longer with each passing hour (and consistently nutritious meal) in a circle before settling her on his hip, Ellie huffing against his shoulder as he turns to Tess. 

“Here, Ellie-saur. Give your mama a hug goodnight so we can all go to bed,” Joel says as he sets Ellie down in front of her. Tess kneels to bring Ellie into a full hug against her chest, tucking her fingers into Ellie’s damp curls, breathing in the smell of her lavender-infused shampoo and taking in the sounds of huffed breaths directly next to her ear.

Ellie relaxes slightly in her arms, cheeks mostly returned to their normal shade of light pink, breaths coming more steadily, eyes looking drowsier when Tess finally lets her go. 

“I love you,” Tess tells her with a smile, bringing her hands from Ellie’s waist to cup her cheeks.

“Love you too, mama,” Ellie smiles with her eyes closed.

“Now go to bed, and dream about a little Ellie-saur running around with those one long-necked dinosaurs who wouldn’t eat you,” Tess jokes, turning Ellie by her shoulders to walk up the stairs.

“Brachiosauruses or Brontosauruses, mom,” Ellie corrects, somehow pronouncing the words through her sleepy mumble.

Tess files that away, dedicating herself to being the dinosaur expert so Joel can remain their resident space expert for Ellie. She’s pretty dug in on those two topics, so it’s safe to make those their own areas of expertise as well.

It’s one thing about being a mom that she didn’t expect - the weird little things you do to make your kid happy. So she’ll learn about as many dinosaurs as Ellie cares to know about if it makes her happy.  

//

“Do you ever think about having one?” Tess asks Joel one day in the dining hall while her eyes are locked on a woman bouncing a baby a few tables away. As more people arrive in Jackson, and the community continues to thrive, babies have become more common. Medicine is nowhere near as advanced as it was Before, but it’s better than nothing now that they have a few formerly FEDRA-trained doctors settled in and some medics too. Thanks to some decent trade connections, they have access to pain medicine and other medical supplies. The clinic in town runs about as well as any small-town immediate care used to at this point. It means young families feel a bit more secure in becoming pregnant, especially within the safety of the walls of Jackson. 

Joel almost chokes on his dinner when he follows her eyes and realizes what she’s talking about. “What…a baby?” he coughs, clearing his throat. “Think I’m a little old for that,” he says, testing the waters. “Do you?”

“Sometimes I wonder,” she says a bit sheepishly, avoiding his eyes in favor of looking back toward her food. She’s not sure what drove her to start this conversation in the first place; it’s been a topic she’s carefully avoided for months. Joel has never brought up having kids and, up until recently, it had felt like they were juggling Ellie constantly as if she were a newborn herself as she adjusted to life here and started sleeping through the night and not clinging to them every time they left the comfort of their home. She knows it’s a long shot, but it’s the first time in her adult life she feels like she’s really had a chance. It’s the first time she’s felt safe enough to even consider the possibility. 

She can tell Joel’s staring at her, assessing. “I mean…we have Ellie now, and -“

“No, you’re right,” Tess cuts him off too quickly. Of course she knows that she has Ellie and views her as her daughter even if she hadn’t given birth to her. And Joel has a point. He’s 49, and she’s 41. A pregnancy at her age would inherently come with even more risk that she doesn’t necessarily want to put the family through. 

Besides, it wouldn’t be too helpful to anyone to have complications with a pregnancy she doesn’t need and may not even be able to have.

After all, she has people who need her alive now. 

“Tess… you know, we can talk about this more if you -“

“It’s fine. You’re right, it’s stupid,” she says, finally locking eyes with him. She gives him a tight smile as reassurance before she looks away, unable to make eye contact for too long when he has that look of pinched consideration and concern on his face. He sees through her too easily; it’s almost unsettling how well he can read both her and Ellie, always so perceptive to their thoughts, always a step ahead to fulfill their needs. 

At that exact moment, Tommy, Maria, and Ellie reappear at the table after having left to get dessert. 

“I brought you a cookie, mama,” Ellie smiles brightly, handing one to Tess. 

“Thank you, sweetie,” Tess smiles, taking the cookie from her. She suddenly feels incredibly guilty for wanting something she shouldn’t, for not just appreciating the little girl she already has after she lived a life thinking she would never get the privilege of being a mom at all. Now there’s this trusting child she gets to call her daughter who picks her flowers and calls her “mama,” and tells her stories about the dinosaurs in the books they pick out together in the library. 

It’s already so much more than she deserves. 

“Got a bunch more too if ya want any,” Tommy adds, gesturing to the short stack of cookies in front of him, a smirk tugging at his lips. “Made sure to stock up now that Maria’s eating for two,” Tommy jokes, which has Maria smacking him on the arm. 

Tess forces a smirk at Tommy’s teasing, tamping down on something that feels like jealousy rising in her stomach. Her mind never stops considering the “what-ifs,” the unfairness of it all; finally feeling settled and happy and in the most secure relationship of her life in her early 40s, past the time when most people stopped thinking about pregnancy, desire outweighed by risk even before the outbreak. 

Maria is 36, which she supposes isn’t that big of a difference, but she remembers reading all the information about risks of birth defects and miscarriage rising significantly after hitting 40 in most cases. It’s a bitter thought, increasing the chances of bringing a medically fragile child into a world deprived of what might be needed. It’s what has Tess thanking her lucky stars for the copper IUD she’d had inserted almost 10 years ago after a pregnancy scare with an absolute fucking dirtbag. 

She hadn’t known there was about to be an apocalypse back then, but it’s been helpful since in keeping her from getting pregnant in the middle of the actual end of the world even though, before settling down, she and Joel fucked at random and in inconsistent bursts over several years.

Tess’ thoughts are not helped by the fact that Tommy and Maria worked quickly once they decided they were all-in for each other. After just six months in Jackson, Tommy had proposed, for whatever marriage is worth these days, and, two months later, Maria was gushing to her that she’s pregnant. Tess was happy for her, of course, but she usually remains quiet whenever talk of the upcoming Miller baby is brought up. 

She can feel Joel watching her closely, even as Ellie wriggles on his lap impatiently as they near the end of her attention span for dinner. 

And now she’ll have to beg him not to bring it up again later.

//

“I ain’t completely against it,” Joel says suddenly as he closes the closet door behind him, emerging from having put away the laundry. They had both gotten home and ready for the night relatively silently, speaking to Ellie but not necessarily to each other, even after she was fast asleep in bed.

“We really don’t need to talk about this again,” Tess says, throwing the quilt back for them to climb under, settling in and flipping off her lamp, hoping it reinforces her message.

“Hardly think it’s fair for you to bring it up and not even let me process it with you now that you’ve got me thinkin’ about it,” Joel says, arranging himself so that he’s sitting against the headboard, very intentionally leaving his lamp on. 

Tess sighs, but turns toward him and props herself up on her elbow, raising her eyebrows as she looks up to his face. “I’m listening.”

“I just, y’know, maybe even like the idea of it. You’re already such a fuckin’ incredible mom to Ellie. It’s just so natural to you,” Joel muses, hands folded over his stomach as he stares at the ceiling searchingly. “Plus you’d probably be even sexier pregnant,” he says, looking at her out of the corner of his eye and bracing for her negative reaction. 

To her surprise, however, she just finds herself feeling a rush of warmth to her belly.

“You don’t know that,” Tess forces herself to respond with a stiff laugh. “I could be the grouchiest asshole. You seen those people whose noses, like, fuckin’ double in size during pregnancy? Or people who get, like, goddamn Sasquatch feet?”

“Oh, please,” Joel scoffs. “I’m sure you’d be just glowing,” he says with a wink. She throws a punch to his arm for that one, but her heart isn’t in it.

“You don’t think we’re too damn old to even be considering this?” Tess asks, tossing a leg over one of Joel’s and hooking it around him. 

“I still got some good years left in the tank,” he says, squeezing her leg between his. They lay in silence for a moment, both staring at nothing in particular but not knowing how to proceed from here. 

“How do you think Ellie would handle it?” she asks, broaching yet another topic that makes her pause at the thought of even trying for a baby.

“Reckon it’d go one of two ways,” Joel says, not needing to elaborate. Ellie tends to operate in extremes, and Tess knows she’d either be ecstatic or completely against it, maybe able to be begrudgingly dragged toward a middle ground eventually. “We could always ask her.”

“I never thought we’d be letting our six year old decide the future of our family,” Tess laughs, but is ultimately in agreement. Of course they value Ellie’s input, and she wouldn’t pursue this if she thought for a moment it would be of some sort of detriment to Ellie. 

“I never thought we’d have a six year old,” Joel says, finally moving down the bed and rolling to face her. “Let’s say she says yes,” he starts, but they both break to laugh at how they sound like a couple of nervous young adults asking for their parents’ blessing or something. “Are you going to be heartbroken if it doesn’t work?” Joel asks, stroking long lines up and down her arm, inching even closer rather conspicuously. 

“No,” Tess says decisively. “I’m happy. Maybe I’d be a little sad, but I feel like I’m already pushing my luck in life as it is.”

Joel gives her a long, seeking look for a moment before his shoulders collapse in an exhale. He closes the distance, crashing his lips against hers in a way that tells her he’s thinking about something else right now too.

“If you’re gonna have my baby, I’m going to make you my wife first,” Joel tells her when they break, kissing a hungry trail down her neck, sending butterflies to her stomach, making her feel about 20 years younger. It’s a feeling she’ll need to find a way to hold on to. 

“That your idea of a proposal, Texas?” Tess asks, voice much breathier than she intends for her teasing to be. 

“Why? Did it work?” he asks, voice low and grumbly and right at her ear as his hand wanders under her shirt. 

“Better make it more formal before I sign any paperwork, cowboy,” she says, nipping at his bare shoulder. 

He maneuvers them so he’s straddling her hips, hands intertwined with hers on either side of her face, his hot breath inches from her lips. 

“Theresa Servopoulos,” he starts, and she groans at the use of her government name, but smiles up at him anyway. “Will you do me the honor of being my wife?”

“May need to ask Ellie for her blessing for this too,” Tess laughs. “You could at least be on your knees,” she says, feeling his fingers tighten ever so slightly around hers at the suggestion.

“Just answer the damn question,” Joel says, eyes shining in the low lamplight. 

“Yes, I’ll marry you. But we’re not making a big deal out of it,” Tess insists, but he’s already cutting her off with another kiss.

Do you actually need to wait until it’s officially official to consummate the marriage? Tess has a feeling Joel doesn’t think so. 

//

When they finally decide to discuss the baby thing with Ellie, it’s a somewhat strategic endeavor. They know they need to tread carefully in case she reacts poorly, so they wait to strike until she’s starting to wind down for the night but with plenty of time before bed to deescalate any big feelings that may come from this.

“Ellie, can we ask you something? I want you to really think about it,” Tess starts once they’re settled on the couch to watch a movie before bed, Ellie between them as usual. They’re about to watch The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island, which is admittedly not the best of the series, but it’s the only one they’ve been able to get their hands on since Ellie’s sudden deep interest in dinosaurs.

(Tommy offered his copy of Jurassic Park, but Tess is not quite ready to handle dinosaur-themed nightmares).

“Mhm,” Ellie responds distractedly, still holding the faded VHS case in her hands as she eagerly awaits the movie she was promised at dinner.

“I’m not saying it’s going to happen, but what would you think if you had a little brother or sister?” Tess asks, looking up to Joel to see him smiling in encouragement. It settles her, but only slightly.

“How?” Ellie asks, and for a moment, Tess panics, not having thought that Ellie was going to ask about the mechanics of actually getting to the part where they have a baby.

“What do you mean?” Joel jumps in. 

“Where would you get me a little brother or sister?” she clarifies, looking very innocently between them. Tess exhales, realizing she’s not going to need to explain sex and reproductive organs to her child today anyway. She figures she’s got at least a little more time before she has to start rehearsing that conversation. 

“Well, me and your dad would have a baby,” Tess explains, bringing a hand to run through Ellie’s hair, maybe as more of a comfort for herself than for Ellie.

“But Aunt Maria is already having a baby,” Ellie says, eyebrows drawn together in confusion like she can’t figure out how more than one person in her family could be expecting a baby at the same time. 

“That’s true,” Tess affirms. “Just because Tommy and Maria are having a baby doesn’t mean everyone else isn’t allowed to right now.”

“In Boston, people just picked out babies,” Ellie says, leaning against Joel in consideration.

“Really?” Joel prompts, lifting his arm so Ellie is more comfortable. They have found that sometimes it’s just better to let Ellie openly discuss some of the things she experienced under FEDRA’s care in Boston before they explain how most of it was not normal or okay for children to experience. They used to play 20 questions with her, piecing together the story through questions they didn’t even know how to ask, but this method of just opening the floor to Ellie has proved to be much less taxing.

“Mhm. People only wanted babies because older kids were bad already,” she says too casually. “One time some people met me and asked if I wanted to go home with them, but then a new baby came, and they didn’t want me anymore.” And, oof, that’s another heartbreaker of a story out of Boston. 

Tess swallows down the rising lump in her throat, trying not to imagine all of the other unknowingly gut wrenching stories Ellie has stored away still. She feels angry knowing that Ellie could have had a life without them and without the trauma she went through near the end of her time in Boston, that people led her to believe they wanted her just to ditch her for what they saw as a better option. Selfishly, she’s relieved that some rich assholes in the QZ didn’t end up adopting her, that she’s here with her and Joel instead living what Tess tells herself is likely a much better life than anyone in Boston could have provided her with, money or not. 

She shares a look with Joel, determining who is going to approach this part. 

“I’m sorry that happened, honey,” Tess says, even though she’s not really. She’s not sure what else to say, and Joel isn’t being much help with the way he's silently brooding over this new information. 

“It’s okay,” Ellie shrugs. “They weren’t nice anyway.” 

“You don’t think that’s why we want a baby, right?” Tess asks, cutting through her deepest fears in having brought this up to Ellie in the first place. “You know we love you very much and don’t want a baby more than you? If you think it would make you feel bad, you can rock out the only child life forever.”

“Do I get to play with the baby?” Ellie asks, pursing her lips in consideration like Tess hadn’t even said anything. 

“Of course. You’d be a very good big sister,” Joel says easily, finally verbally rejoining their conversation.

“What if the baby cries too loud?” she challenges back.

“Well, babies do cry a lot sometimes,” Tess responds. “I think you would be good at helping make them feel better, though.”

“Where would it sleep? Do I have to share my room again?” she presses on, sitting up a little straighter.

“We have an extra bedroom, baby. It would just be a nursery instead of a guest room,” Joel says, which makes Ellie settle back again. 

“Hmm. You can have a baby,” Ellie says decisively as if all of her concerns have been ironed out just like that. “Will you start the movie now?”

“Sure,” Joel smiles, winking at Tess as if to say she had been worrying too much. 

He gets up to hit play on the VHS player before settling back down, wrapping an arm around Ellie and weaving his fingers into Tess’s. She leans against Ellie ever so slightly to rest her head on Joel’s shoulder, preparing to take in all the dinosaur facts Ellie can throw at her in the movie’s 74 minute runtime. 

Instead, she spends the time daydreaming about a slightly older Ellie chasing a clumsy, giggling toddler around the house, imagining these types of movie nights but with another little one tucked up against her other side, and setting the table for breakfast for four instead of three. 

//

After receiving Ellie’s blessing, Tess makes an appointment with the catch-all Jackson family doctor, Dr. Krista, to remove her copper IUD. After a decade since having the asshole inserted, she forgot what a bitch of a procedure it was. She should have known it would hurt, but Dr. Krista helpfully tells her that childbirth is not any less painful. 

Once the IUD is out, she’s treated to a conversation about risk factors, warnings, concerns, and all the other stuff that has already been clouding her brain for weeks anyway. 

“You can conceive almost immediately after having the IUD removed, so just be aware of that,” Dr. Krista says, tossing the offending little T-shaped plastic and copper thing in the trash. It feels symbolic, watching it get covered up by the rest of the medical plastic, gloves, and trash from the removal. “You’re active and healthy, have a very healthy blood pressure, don’t use drugs or smoke. I see no reason why you would have any complications aside from your age, but I know you already knew that.”

Tess fights the urge to roll her eyes, not wanting to piss off one of two doctors in Jackson. She knows that Dr. Krista has delivered nearly every baby born in town, knows she’s just doing her job, but they have already been around on the issue of her age.

“Yeah, I know. As long as my eggs haven’t turned to dust, I should be good to go,” she tries to go for a joke, but she can’t get her voice to leave its monotoned deadpan. 

“I’ve seen women older than you and in poorer health have perfectly normal and healthy babies,” Krista smiles. “And knowing what I do about your family, you would be well cared for during a pregnancy. A good support system is crucial.”

“Yeah,” she says, down to her hands folded in her lap that’s still covered by a sheet. 

“Well, if you don’t have any other questions, I’ll leave you to get dressed,” Krista says, standing and making her way toward the door. “Then it’s time to go home and make a baby,” she says with a wink right before the door closes behind her. 

It leaves Tess grinning like a lovestruck twenty-something, zooming to get re-dressed and meet Joel at home like they had planned to before Ellie’s out of school.

//

It takes two months to get a positive test. She’s only able to gain access to the town’s small stockpile of old pregnancy tests while at the clinic, and she has to basically take a blood oath stating that her period is at least a week late, but once she has answered all of their questions, she’s handed a tiny pregnancy test and shown to the bathroom. 

She hasn’t told Joel that she’s coming to take a pregnancy test, waiting for a day that he’s on patrol so that he won’t even happen to see her going into the clinic. She knows what Krista has said about a support system and all that, but in her own experience, it’s easier to face disappointment alone. If it’s positive, then it will be a great surprise. That’s what she tells herself anyway, ignoring the way that she’s forced herself to go through this process alone even though Joel has insisted on being by her side every step of the way.

She holds the little plastic test tightly in her hands, unable to actually look at it as she counts to 120 in her head, wanting to give it the full two minutes to reveal the result. 

She breathes deeply for a few moments even after hitting 120 seconds, daring to crack her eyes open. 

Pull it together. You’ve faced way scarier shit than a negative pregnancy test. 

Clear as can be, there are two pink stripes, impossible to mistake for anything but positive, like the universe knows it needs to send her the clearest message possible to get her to believe it.

Chapter Text

It’s the easiest yes, Joel has ever said, he thinks standing at the altar of the little interfaith sanctuary in Jackson that they’ve somehow packed 100 people into even amidst a brutal mid-February snowstorm. 

Tommy officiates the ceremony, and Ellie, who is begrudgingly wearing a flowy white top and the nicest jeans she owns, serves as the flower girl, tossing dried lavender as she walks down the aisle a bit too quickly. Her face had gone bright red immediately at the sheer number of people gathered in the room, and he could tell that she would give anything to just be standing up next to him or even Tommy. 

Really, it had already been a struggle to get her to agree to wear anything other than her three favorite sweaters she has on rotation, so the fact that Maria also convinced her to also drop the dried lavender in place of flower petals is something of a miracle. 

(Though, he has a feeling that whatever Tommy had whispered in her ear that deescalated her tantrum had a lot to do with her ultimately agreeing). 

Once she reaches him, she moves to stand directly behind his legs, much closer than they had practiced, but he gives her a smile and kneels to hug her, met with a chorus of “aww”-ing from the crowd, before she settles into place. 

Then, Tess is walking through the doors, looking beautiful dressed in a cream colored sweater and jeans. Her hair is done up in braids instead of tied back into a half up style for the occasion. She’s also carrying a bouquet of ferns and dried lavender that some kind lady who has experience as a florist made her as a bouquet. 

The wedding is almost purely for his benefit, but also for the townspeople, who could use anything as an excuse to have an event, especially in the middle of these cold and dark winter months. Nonetheless, Tess is a good sport, smiling sincerely at Joel as she walks down the aisle, holding true to her word and his admittedly informal proposal. He holds out a hand to help her up the step, and Tommy begins the ceremony. It’s quaint and quick, just like Tess wanted, and as is their style, and Joel spends the whole time Tommy’s talking staring at Tess even though she’s looking around and at Tommy like a normal person. 

He repeats the words he’s supposed to, and they slip on their corresponding rings that they’d had made a few weeks ago. He says I do, even though it doesn’t feel like enough, feels like there should be more words to describe his commitment and love.

And then Tommy says, “You may kiss your bride,” and he does exactly that, hearing Ellie’s little “yucky,” through the polite clapping and whistling of the crowd gathered in the chapel. 

//

Joel watches as Tommy slips Ellie his cake at the reception, a toothy grin spread across his daughter’s face as she makes room on her plate that already had its own piece of cake. He shakes his head, mostly fondly, and looks back at Tess who is currently speaking with the people who live next door. 

“Are you responsible for that sugar high she’s about to have?” Joel asks, gesturing toward Ellie who is still grinning like the Cheshire Cat as Tommy approaches him, now with an empty plate. 

“What? It was a little something we worked out for the flower girl gig,” Tommy defends, stealing a bite of Joel’s cake from his plate. 

“You bribed my kid with extra dessert?” 

“Not the first time either. Very bribable with sugar, that one,” Tommy says through another bite of Joel’s cake, which he promptly throws his arm around as a wall of protection, rolling his eyes at Tommy’s indignant huff. 

“Shouldn’t have promised your cake to Ellie,” Joel says with a point of his fork. “If she doesn’t go to bed so Tess and I can have some time to ourselves tonight, I’m dropping her off at your house hyped up on sugar every night for a week. She's a QZ kid, so she ain't used to all this sweet stuff.” 

His threat hangs empty in the air as he hears a familiar song come through the speakers, immediately turning to Tess. He pushes himself back from the table, leaving his cake abandoned for Tommy to steal, and takes the few steps toward his wife. 

“Do you mind if I steal my wife for a dance?” Joel asks the neighbors, settling his hand around her waist, preparing to make unrestrained use of the word. 

“Please do,” the woman, whose name he always seems to forget (Maggie? Molly?) smiles at him. “And congratulations!” 

Joel thanks her and leads Tess to the outskirts of the area cleared to be the dance floor in the dining hall. He brings up his left hand, intertwined with her right, and puts his hand back on her waist while she rests hers on the back of his neck. They sway together a bit to the music, smiling but not speaking. 

Joel takes a moment to admire the mixed-metals band that now occupied his ring finger that the town blacksmith had been able to create for them as a matching set. 

“How are you?” he asks before returning to humming along to the music. 

“That’s a very casual question,” Tess laughs. “I’m very good. How are you?” 

“Never been better,” Joel says, pulling her tighter to him, nearly forcing her chin to rest on his shoulder. It’s everything he could ask for, having her pulled in close to him, singing “You Decorated My Life” by Kenny Rogers in her ear, just as Ellie spots them from across the room and comes barreling over. He remembers his mom playing this record on repeat when it came out, the sound of it drifting up the stairs on Saturday mornings, letting him and Tommy know she was making something for breakfast. It’s a rare memory from a different time, but it’s what has him smiling and bending to catch Ellie as she crashes into his arms. He hoists her up and begins swaying with her too, Tess wrapping her arms around both of them to dance as an Ellie sandwich. 

Life meant nothin’ to me

Until you came along

And you brought out the colors 

What a gentle surprise

Now I’m able to see

All the things life can be

Shining soft in your eyes.

//

There are still some nights, even after nearly a year of being in Jackson, that Ellie ends up squished between them, crawling up from the bottom of the bed and settling herself in her usual spot, usually tugging some at the covers to get them the way she wants. She’s gotten stealthier over time, occasionally not even waking either of them up and going unnoticed until the morning light is streaming through the curtains. 

He stalls from getting out of bed on those mornings, feeling robbed of consciously cuddling up with Ellie, who he can see getting bigger by the day. He knows there will come a time when she won’t sneak into their bed, when she won’t latch onto him for comfort, when their hugs will be limited to when they greet and leave each other. He remembers when Sarah started pushing him away, stopped initiating physical contact right around when she hit double digits even though she still wormed her way under his arm on the couch in the evening into her teenage years. 

So, yeah, he soaks in the soft morning cuddles with Ellie sandwiched between him and Tess, knowing all too well that the moments are precious and nothing is promised.

Some nights, though, it’s Joel instead who is pulled from bed by a sinking feeling in his stomach and an inability to quiet his mind to go and check on Ellie. Sometimes he can peek in and watch her doze for just a moment to calm himself, but other nights, like tonight, he remains in her room for far too long, eventually moving from watching her from the window seat to fully sitting next to her in bed, running his fingers through her hair like she may float away if he’s not there to hold her down.

She stirs slightly, mumbling in her sleep as she moves closer to him. Her sleepy features are clearer as her face is more directly in the light from the hallway, and he can’t resist bringing his hand down to brush his fingers against her face. When she stirs again, he stills, not wanting to push his luck and disrupt the sleep she needs after playing so hard that evening, having taken advantage of the rare warmth of the early spring day. 

When she’s been fully settled for a few minutes, he pulls her blanket that she’s kicked away in her sleep back up and replaces her still-favored stuffed giraffe next to her. He finally moves to leave and go back to bed, but not before carefully leaning down to press a kiss to the side of her head and still lingering in the doorway for another minute, just to make sure she’s still fast asleep, that her dreams remain peaceful, and her breaths are still coming easily. 

He walks the few steps down the hall, expertly avoiding any noisy floorboards, and falls back into bed, curling around Tess, hand resting on her slight but growing belly. 

“Everything okay?” Tess mumbles over her shoulder. 

“Yeah. All good,” Joel says with a kiss to her cheek. 

“Ellie?” she asks sleepily. 

“She’s fine,” Joel assures. “Just me,” he says simply, grateful that he doesn’t have to explain further, that he knows she’ll understand.  

“Mmm,” Tess hums, relaxing back into her pillow. “We’re all safe.”

“We’re all safe,” he repeats, willing himself to believe it.

//

Tess had revealed the results of her positive pregnancy test a few days after her first one, after, according to her, she had been able to cajole a secretary at the clinic to let her take another one, just to make sure it was actually real. 

He didn’t have it in him to be upset in the slightest about Tess choosing to avoid telling him until she knew for sure, understanding the delicate nature of this both physically and emotionally. He just hugs her tightly before kneeling to press kisses to her still-flat stomach, swearing himself to a vow of secrecy for a couple of months.

They haven’t told even Ellie about Tess’ pregnancy yet, waiting until she’s really showing and through the first trimester to say anything. They know once they tell Ellie, they may as well tell all of Jackson as Ellie is something like the town crier. It’s special, having something that’s just for the two of them to share, basking in the glow of knowing something special that no one else does. 

The perfect opportunity to tell Ellie arises on Mother’s Day. It’s around the three-month mark, and Ellie has started getting suspicious as Tess has opted out of rough housing, urging Ellie to be a bit more careful when using her as a climbing apparatus. 

Last year, they had arrived in Jackson the week before the holiday, so they were still being hermits who rarely left the comfort and safety of the walls of their home at the time. 

This year, Ellie comes home from school on the Friday before Mother’s Day with a card she had made and plenty of plans for how she wants to celebrate Tess.

“And, dad, we have to go and pick her flowers and make her breakfast before she wakes up, and I’m going to be the best helper so mom can have a very nice day,” Ellie tells him very seriously, sitting at the kitchen table like they’re negotiating a business deal.

“That sounds like a great plan, baby,” Joel tells her. 

“I already made a card. You can sign it if you want,” Ellie says with a shrug, pulling it out of her bag and handing it to him as if it’s nonchalant, but he knows she’s fishing for a compliment that he’ll more than happily give. 

It has a big heart drawn on the front, along with her messy, but improved, scrawl that says, “Happy Mother’s Day,” with the inside containing a drawing of the three of them on what he assumes are horses with another message that says “Best mom EVER. Love, Ellie.” 

He helps Ellie carry out her Mother’s Day plans, making Tess a breakfast of yogurt and thawed berries, something Ellie can make without use of the stove, and delivers it to her in bed along with a bouquet of some wildflowers. He had to order Tess to remain in bed and act surprised, but Ellie doesn’t need to know that. 

Once they have finished their breakfast in bed with minimal mess and Ellie has handed over her card to Tess, she draws her in close between her legs and hugs her tight. The lounge for a few moments, just enjoying each other’s company while Ellie babbles on about anything and everything. When there’s a quiet moment, Tess tells Ellie the news.

“It’s actually an extra special Mother’s Day,” Tess says as she runs her hands through Ellie’s hair from where she’s sitting with her back pressed to Tess’ chest. Joel is still relaxing against the headboard next to them, watching the moment with a smile. 

“Really?” Ellie asks. 

“Mhm. I get to celebrate with you because you’re the one who made me a mom,” she says, pausing to press a kiss to the top of Ellie’s head. “But I also get to tell you that I’m pregnant, so we’re going to have a baby in about six months, and you’re going to have a little brother or sister,” Tess tells her gently, maintaining the motion of combing Ellie’s hair back with her fingers.

Ellie gasps and turns to face Joel almost as confirmation. He nods and asks the cautious question, “What do you think, Ellie?” 

“You have a baby in your belly like Aunt Maria?” she asks, fully turning so she’s looking down at Tess’ stomach, a look on her face like she totally should have picked up on this before now. 

“Yep,” Tess says thickly, quickly swiping under her eye to dry her tears. “Are you excited to have a baby in our family soon?”

“I think so,” Ellie says with some consideration, reaching out a hand to touch her belly like she’s done so many times with Maria. “I can share. I’m very good at it,” she insists like she’s daring them to disagree with her progress on the very sensitive issue of sharing things. 

“I love you so very much,” Tess says, pulling Ellie back against her. This time, Joel joins from the side, wriggling a hand between them to rest on her belly, right where it so commonly does these days. 

//

If Joel thought it did things to him to see Tess as a mother with Ellie, he really should have expected the way he feels watching Tess through her pregnancy. It’s a different level of intimacy and attraction, seeing her body change with her pregnancy, seeing her change emotionally to accommodate growing a tiny human inside her. 

In summary, they sneak a quickie in the shower after making sure Ellie is properly distracted downstairs.

“Didn’t know Mother’s Day sex was customary,” Tess says through a breathless chuckle, toweling herself dry while Joel rinses off. 

“Is now,” Joel says, turning off the water and pushing down the stopper. 

“Can I come in now? I’m hungry,” Ellie’s complaints carry through the door along with impatient knocking just as he reaches for his towel. They joke that she’s like a cat, hates to have any doors shut even if she doesn’t actually want to be in that room. 

“Just in time,” Tess tells Joel with a wink, waiting until his towel is secured around his waist before opening the door to speak to Ellie, closing it quickly behind her. 

“We’ll go get dinner, just let me…” Joel hears Tess tell Ellie as they walk further into the bedroom so that she can get dressed. He makes quick work of getting dressed into the clothes he’d brought with him into the bathroom, quickly combing his hair back and meeting Ellie and Tess downstairs to walk to the dining hall where they’re serving a special Mother’s Day dinner for the whole town. Joel thinks it beats the hell out of waiting 3 hours for a table at a restaurant Before. 

“My mama is pregnant, and I get to be the baby’s big sister,” Ellie tells Joan, the woman behind the food line today. It’s the same line she’s been repeating to anyone who will listen since they told her the news.

“Wow! You’re going to be a great big sister,” Joan says with a smile, helping Ellie with a heaping scoop of mashed potatoes as she holds out her plate. The affirmation has her nearly skipping to their table, predictably choosing a seat next to Tommy. 

“Mama is havin’ a baby,” Ellie singsongs as she sets her plate down. 

“Ellie,” Joel sighs. “Usually you don’t share news that ain’t yours.”

“It is my news. I’m gonna be a sister.” 

“It’s fine, honey,” Tess says, taking a seat across from Maria. “She just broke the ice.”

“Really? Addin’ another Miller to our gaggle here?” Tommy asks, eyebrows raised. 

“We decided to copy y’all and have another one of our own,” Joel jokes, reaching across the table to nudge at Tommy’s shoulder. 

“Turns out, the one you got is already taking up all the sass your household is allowed, so better make sure this one’s not quite so sassy,” Tommy teases. 

“Hey!” Ellie grumbles, stabbing at her peas. 

“I’m just jokin’ Ellie-bean,” he says, reaching around to tug at her ponytail. 

“I’m gonna teach the new baby to be mean to you,” Ellie insists. “That’s what big sisters are supposed to do.”

// 

The news that Maria is in labor comes late in the afternoon one day in August, just after he’s returned from a moderately short patrol. Tess tells him as he walks through the front door, and he’s ready to drop everything to get to the clinic as quickly as possible when she tells him that there’s still a long way to go, and Tommy had apparently requested privacy, not wanting guests while she’s laboring. Joel supposes he can understand that, but it means he sleeps restlessly that night, waiting for more news about his new, and first, niece or nephew. 

Ellie bounces into their bedroom that morning, saying good morning to each of them as she crawls into bed, resting her head on Tess’ chest and whispering, “Good morning, baby sister,” to her belly. She has become increasingly insistent that the baby will be a girl, a thought that he and Tess are trying to gently talk her down from so that she doesn’t get disappointed if that is not the case.

“Or brother,” Joel reminds her from his side of the bed.

“Mhm,” Ellie agrees noncommittally. “When can we see Uncle Tommy and Aunt Maria’s baby?” she asks. 

“Soon, honey. We have to wait for the baby to be born,” Tess tells her. 

Ellie groans in response, rolling her head back. “Why does it take so long?”

Just then, there’s a knock on the front door, and Joel gets up to answer it, tugging on a shirt as he makes his way down the stairs. It ends up being Dr. Krista on her way home from her shift at the clinic, telling him that the healthy baby was born about three hours ago, and Tommy and Maria are ready for visitors now. She gives no further details, but Joel thanks her before rushing back upstairs to share the news.

They get ready to go to the clinic at lightning speed, and Ellie tugs them both through town by the hands, refusing to waste any time. 

“Congratulations, little brother,” Joel says as they enter the room they had been directed to, pulling Tommy into a hug. He looks properly exhausted, dark circles under his eyes and rumpled clothes that reflect a night spent in a hospital. Tess is already across the room cooing over the baby in Maria’s arms, Ellie hanging on her arm and standing on her tiptoes to get a closer look. 

“Thanks, man. It’s special, it really is,” he says, both of them watching as Maria transfers the baby into Tess’ arms. “Congrats to you, Uncle Joel,” Tommy says, clapping him on the shoulder. “Come and meet your nephew, Noah.” Joel walks toward Tess and looks over her shoulder as she sways the sleeping swaddled baby in her arms. 

“What do you think, Ellie? Isn’t he cute?” Tess asks, shifting Noah in to be angled for Ellie to get a better look.

“Yeah. When is mine gonna be here?” Ellie asks, lips pursed as she turns to Joel expectantly. He can’t help the laugh that escapes him at her completely unimpressed face. Ellie has gotten increasingly possessive over Tess and the baby, looking suspiciously at people who try to touch Tess’ swelling belly and occupying her lap whenever she can in what Joel can only assume is a protective gesture.

“Couple months still, baby girl,” Joel says, still laughing when she huffs in annoyance. 

“Can I hold him?” Ellie asks. Tess looks to Maria for an answer, and she nods, gesturing toward the little couch on the other side of the hospital bed.

“You have to sit down over there and let us help you,” Tess says, guiding Ellie to sit and showing her how to hold her arms, explaining the importance of supporting the baby’s head and neck. 

Joel thinks his heart may burst as he settles on the other side of Ellie, watching Tess, who is pregnant with their child, settle his newborn nephew into his second daughter’s arms, met with a look of wonder on Ellie’s face.

“He’s so little,” Ellie whispers, cradling the baby exactly as Tess told her to, staring down at him for a few minutes until she’s ready to get up and Joel finally gets his chance at holding his nephew. 

Ellie nearly skips over to Tommy, sitting herself in his lap and talking animatedly, clearly thrilled beyond belief to have her uncle’s attention despite the baby across the room. It’s something he knows she worries about, even through her insistence that she knows how to share, and to Tommy’s credit, he has valiantly joined the effort to convince Ellie that she won’t become any less important to any of them once the babies arrive. 

Tess moves to be right next to his side, clearly anxious to steal Noah away again. Joel smiles as he watches Noah’s little mouth open and close as he sleeps, thinking Tess is just going to have to wait her turn for a little while longer. 

//

He can tell that something is off as soon as he walks into the house, quietly toeing off his work boots as he listens for Tess and Ellie, who he knows are home. Leaning back, he can just see Ellie at the kitchen table, art supplies spread out across the table. He has just returned from helping fix someone’s leaking roof, a task that took a bit longer than he hoped it would, the damage being far worse than what was originally disclosed when he agreed to venture out and leave Ellie alone with a very-pregnant Tess.

“Everything okay?” he asks, sensing tension amongst them from the moment he steps foot in the living room. Ellie is very pointedly ignoring him, focused on very grumpily working on a drawing at the kitchen table. “Tess?” he prompts when she doesn’t respond, moving to sit next to her where she’s slouched on the couch. “What is it, honey?”

“Just a tough day,” she says with a heavy weariness in her voice, in her eyes. 

“Mhm,” Joel hums, not convinced that there is not more to this situation. “Ellie, baby girl, will you go get your shoes on for me? I’ll be there in just a second,” he directs to Ellie, giving her a smile even though she does not look at him very kindly while fulfilling his request. 

“Where are you going?” Tess asks, looking a bit panicked at the idea of him leaving her at home just as soon as he got there.

“Shh,” he shushes her worries. “What’s wrong?” Tess hesitates, but he nods in encouragement.

“She’s just been a lot, and I feel so bad for saying that -” Tess almost chokes out, keeping her voice very low but clearly fighting back tears.

“You don’t gotta feel bad,” Joel murmurs, playing with the hair that’s tied back and resting between her shoulder blades. 

“It wouldn’t normally bother me, but my fucking feet hurt, and I’m tired today, and my fucking…back has just gotten worse,” Tess explains with a quiver in her voice, shifting as she speaks to accommodate her aching back, shaky hands hastily catching a few tears as they slip down her cheeks. Joel doesn’t often see her this way, Tess being the emotionally steady and self-assured anchor in their family, even through her pregnancy, but he tries to keep any reaction off his face, not wanting to upset her further. 

“Hey, hey, shh,” Joel says gently, reaching for her hands. “Go lay down in bed. I need to do a few things, and I’ll be right back,” he tells her with a kiss to her forehead. Mercifully, she doesn’t fight him and instead just stands with a good amount of effort to go upstairs, pausing at the bottom with her hands braced on her lower back to take a big breath before starting the ascent. 

As he approaches the area in search of Ellie, he finds her off to the side, sitting on the little bench they have in the entryway, shoed feet swinging slightly under her. 

“Did I make mama sad?” Ellie asks, a deep frown and big tears welling up in her eyes. 

“No, baby, it’s not you,” Joel soothes, feeling a little wrung out emotionally. “Come on, let’s go see Tommy and Maria and Noah,” he says, holding out his hand for her to take. 

She approaches him, but instead of taking his hand, she holds hers up to him to be picked up and carried. He smiles a bit even though most people would say she’s really getting too big for this. She’s still a smaller-than-average seven-year-old despite the consistent meals and double dessert when Tommy feels gracious enough to share with her. More importantly, he’s still making up for lost time, so he’ll carry her as much as she’ll let him. 

Joel groans lightly as Ellie scrambles to get her legs wrapped around him before she sighs against his neck in contentment, and he starts the walk to Tommy’s a few houses down.

Tommy answers the door and smiles at them in greeting, informing them quietly that Maria and Noah are upstairs napping so that they don’t wake them. He leads them through the house to the kitchen anyway, naturally grabbing Ellie a snack, probably prompted by her uncharacteristic quietness. She munches happily on the sliced cucumbers and carrots she’s provided, appearing to perk up a bit at least. 

Joel gets the items he came for in the meantime - an electric heating pad that Maria used religiously during the later months of her pregnancy and some leftover lavender bath mixture that she was gifted by a woman in town that's supposed to be relaxing. 

With the items he had come for secure in hand, he tries to nonchalantly tell Ellie that he’ll be back for her in about an hour, hoping that if he doesn’t make a big deal out of it, she’ll just willingly stay behind with Tommy. He should have known better, really. 

“You’re leavin’ me here?” Ellie whines, following him to the front door with stomping steps. 

“Shh, Ellie, Noah is napping, remember?” Joel reminds her quietly as he turns to put his shoes back on. 

“I wanna go home,” Ellie doubles down, ignoring what Joel had just said. 

“It’s just for a little while, baby. Your mama isn’t feeling so good, so I’m going to go home and help her out, and you get to stay here and hang out with Uncle Tommy. I’ll come right back for you,” Joel explains, squatting down with cracking knees to talk to Ellie. He can see Ellie wrestling with this, her nose twitching slightly as her breaths get a bit more jagged with tears surely to follow soon. 

“I wanna help too, daddy,” Ellie cries, a sole tear rushing down her cheek. 

It’s another painful reminder that she’s getting older, the shift to “dad” from “daddy,” but she still slips it in when she’s upset or trying to get her way. It has its desired effect, but Joel remains focused. 

“I know, baby, and that’s very sweet of you, but I need you to listen right now and do what I ask you to do. That’s how you can help best right now.”

He hates the look of betrayal that crosses her face, but she turns and stomps back to throw her arms around Tommy, who looks down at her sympathetically. Joel can handle being the bad guy right now, knowing that Ellie will forgive him later. 

“Thank you,” he mouths to Tommy, who somehow understands and gives him a thumbs up as he guides Ellie into the living room.  

As soon as Joel is home, he’s walking toward their en suite bathroom, turning on the water to fill the tub, adding in a good amount of the bath mixture. If there was ever a time to put it to good use, he figures it’s now. 

He tells her about the bath, helps her out of her clothes and grabs some oil blend to rub on her temples as she settles back into the warm water. It's something he would have called some hippie shit back in the day, but now it's one of their best ways of fending off headaches.

“Do you want me to leave you alone or stay?” he asks, tucking some hair behind her ear. 

“You can stay,” she says, sighing and leaning her head back to rest against the wall. “Can you wash my hair? I haven’t the past few days.” 

“Yeah,” he says fondly, reaching for the cup they leave in here for the rare occasions that Ellie takes a bath in this bathroom. He tips her head back and gently dumps water at the crown of her head, beginning the process of washing her long hair. She’s joked a few times about lobbing it off for a “mom cut,” but he never thought she was serious until now, not having realized she’s been neglecting it. 

He finishes in silence, the sound of water hitting the water and Tess’ pleased sighs the only noises in the room. She needs his help standing and getting out, and he helps her sit on the edge of the tub in her robe so he can brush her hair for her. He gets her set up with the heating pad already plugged in and warm on her side of the bed. 

Tess’ eyes get glassy as she lays down on top of it, allowing him to adjust her pillows and ensure she’s comfortable before moving to the foot of the bed to rub at her calves and feet. 

“You’re such a good dad,” she says through an unexpected sob.

“Huh? What’s this about?” he asks, continuing the massage, but looking up at her in concern. 

“You take care of Ellie and me and the baby so well,” she cries in explanation as if this should clear up why she’s nearly hysterically crying all of a sudden. 

“It’s what you deserve,” he tells her simply. 

“I yelled at Ellie today. I didn’t mean to, but she just kept pushing and pushing, and I was already so grumpy and tired…” she says, trailing off, but Joel wants to let her finish before saying anything. “Anyways, I feel like shit about it now,” Tess scoffs, shaking her head as she brings up her hands to wipe at her cheeks again. 

“She won’t hold it against you, Tess. You ain’t gonna give our kid any more emotional damage by losin’ your temper once while nine months pregnant,” he says, trying to keep it light. “Besides, she hates me right now for pawning her off onto Tommy where she’s probably watching TV and eating her snack.”

Tess laughs at that. “I wondered what you did with her.” 

He hums amusedly, still thinking of how he’ll have to make it up to Ellie to get back in her good graces. Hopefully Tommy puts in a good word for him. 

“You’re the best mom,” he says, finishing up the massage to stand and give her a kiss

“We’re pretty alright at this parenting thing,” Tess agrees instead of trying to argue with him. “We only have one kid pissed off at both of us today. If we just pretend like the other one’s got a choice, those are pretty good stats.” 

They both laugh, and Joel sits next to her on the edge of the bed, running his fingers over her scalp through the ends of her hair. He waits until she dozes off for what he hopes is a long afternoon nap before leaving to pick up their pissed off seven-year-old, feeling like both of them could probably use a nap themselves at this point. 

//

“You just want me to read it tonight?” Joel asks her, settling into the bed next to her with her favorite collection of bedtime stories. Ellie just nods silently, sitting up to lean against his arm. He opens the book and starts reading, but he can tell that Ellie’s mind and eyes are elsewhere, not following along in the book like she normally would, him having to go out of his way to show her the smaller illustrations she would normally point out to him. 

“Are you gonna love the new baby more than me?” Ellie asks suddenly when he pauses to turn the page. 

He freezes, but only for a moment. She has trained him well for moments like these, choosing to drop shocking questions on him at the most random times. “No, baby girl. I could never love you any less,” Joel says. He and Tess reassure Ellie of this fact at least once a week in quiet moments that he knows are very vulnerable times for her. He is sure she thinks about it more than she brings it up out loud, especially as Tess’ due date inches closer. 

“What if the baby is more good than me?” Ellie challenges, biting in the inside of her cheek as Joel looks down at her. 

“Impossible,” Joel says, putting the book down next to him so he can use one hand to stroke Ellie’s hair in a way that soothes her. “Wouldn’t change how much I love you no matter what, though.”

“Am I still your baby when there’s a littler baby?” she presses on. 

“Always my baby,” he assures with a kiss to her forehead. 

“When is the baby coming?” she asks, playing with Joel’s fingers on his free hand. 

“In the next couple days, probably,” Joel tells her, staying patient through Ellie’s 20 questions. “Should be about any time now.”

Ellie hums in response, still keeping Joel’s hand in hers. “What if I’m a bad big sister?” 

“What makes you think that?” he asks, eyebrows drawn together in concern. All anyone has ever told her is that she’ll make an excellent big sister, and it fills Ellie with pride each time. 

“I’m just scared,” Ellie shrugs. “Cause it’ll be not the same,” she explains further. 

“It will be different,” Joel affirms, bringing her into his lap so he can look her in the eyes for this next part. “But all the most important stuff will be the same. You still have me and your mama and your home here. You still have your friends and your Uncle Tommy and Aunt Maria. All of us will still love you the exact same. And now there will just be more love and someone else, a very tiny someone else, in our family,” he tells her gently but seriously, allowing her to nuzzle into his shoulder at the very end. 

“Okay,” she says, but he feels hot tears rolling down his neck. 

“Oh, baby,” Joel murmurs, cradling the back of her head and swaying her side to side a bit. “Changes are hard. I’m sorry you’re feeling scared. It’s going to be okay.” 

“Can you stay and cuddle with me?” she asks, her voice so muffled and sad he can’t imagine possibly being able to tell her no. 

“Of course,” he says, shifting so that she’s laying back down as he slides down the bed himself. She immediately latches back to his side, keeping her face buried in his shoulder. They lay in silence save for Joel’s humming as he rubs a hand up and down her back. He sighs in relief when he feels the tension leaving her body, stiff shoulders relaxing as she starts to doze, breaths coming out more deeply against his neck. 

“Love you, daddy.”

“I love you, baby girl. So much,” he says, kissing her forehead. He waits a while longer until he knows for sure that she’s asleep, carefully scooting out from underneath her to sneak out of her room and, with any luck, into his own bed. 

He finds Tess already asleep with the lamp still on; she’s been falling asleep earlier and earlier as her due date nears, refusing to take it easy in the final weeks, still working a mostly full schedule aside from patrolling. He notices the basket of laundry she gathered from the line before dinner still unfolded at the foot of the bed, and he decides to fold it and put it away for her, always searching for things she’ll let him take off her plate but rarely allowed the opportunity. 

He goes ahead and checks the sink for any leftover dishes and sweeps the kitchen floor too while he’s down there, turning off all the lights downstairs and double checking that all of the doors are locked even though he knows that, realistically, they don’t need to worry about anyone here breaking in. 

It helps to ease his anxious mind just a bit as he settles into bed as quietly as he can, flipping off the light only when he starts to feel himself nodding off as he watches Tess and feels the baby kick lightly against her belly as she sleeps. 

//

Joel should have known that any child of theirs would not come easily or according to plan. 

Tess’ due date comes and goes, and for a week, they can blame it on the imprecise science of due dates and performing obstetrics as a family doctor with shoddy equipment in the apocalypse, but after that, there begins to be some mild concern along with a growing list of old wives tales and ideas for how to induce labor from anyone who sees Tess and takes pity on how painfully pregnant she is. 

So, they go on many short, miserable walks, Tess grouchy about her back, Joel pretending not to be amused at the way she’s basically waddling at this point, Ellie in tow and complaining about being on a walk at all. 

They have sex, which Joel will not complain about, but he knows it’s only because Tess is so goddamn uncomfortable she’ll do anything at this point, so it’s not all that enjoyable for either of them. 

He gives her a careful massage, trying to relax her as much as possible, and, while this helps her sleep, it does not have the desired effect of coaxing the baby out. 

She eats the hottest pickled jalapeños that they can get their hands on, and she just ends up having to get up to pee all through the night because of how much water she drinks to cool off her mouth.

Nonetheless, just like any child with Miller or Servopoulos genes would, the baby comes on their own schedule, waiting until Joel has conveniently popped out of the house with Ellie for just a little while to pick up some things at the market. 

He tries to remain calm when he returns home to Tess telling him that her water broke, that her contractions are coming about every five minutes. Joel switches into autopilot, gathering the bag that they’ve prepared for both themselves and the one for Ellie, who will stay with Tommy and Maria in the event that they need to stay at the clinic overnight. Based on the time of the afternoon, Joel assumes that’s a given, double checking her things so that there are no unnecessary issues for his brother later on. 

When her contractions are three minutes apart an hour later, they begin their arduous journey to the clinic, Tess refusing to allow him to go ahead and get her a wheelchair, mortified at the idea of being pushed through town. 

When they finally make it and are checked in, they get Tess the strongest pain medication that they can at the moment, which he can tell helps her relax marginally. Tommy comes to pick up Ellie at some point, Ellie clinging to him until he reminds her that the faster she goes to sleep, the quicker the baby will be here. It’s some Santa Claus type of logic, but it works well enough to get Ellie to agree to go sleep at Tommy and Maria’s house. 

It’s late into the night, or perhaps just really early in the morning, when Tess is ready to start pushing. This, too, is no easy task, the baby apparently having turned themselves somewhat awkwardly in the past few hours of labor. It means she has to exert herself more and push harder, and there’s talk of the importance of monitoring her heart rate and other vitals that sets Joel entirely on edge. 

She starts to heave a little too hard before falling back against the pillows, face pained and body fully tensed with exertion but looking white as a sheet.

“Tess,” he says, desperation seeping into his tone as he cups her face. He feels tears streaming down his face as her eyes roll back in her head and he hears the screams of a newborn baby coming into the world. “Tess, come on. I can’t do this without you, come on, please.”

His hands are shaking as she blinks heavily, head rolling a bit to the side. 

“Please help her, please,” he says, turning to the doctor, vaguely aware that the nurses are wiping off the baby and wrapping it. 

“Mr. Miller, she’s stable, just in a bit of shock, please relax. Congratulations on your baby girl,” the doctor says, before turning back to Tess. “We’ll start their skin-to-skin as soon as we get her leveled out,” he hears Dr. Krista say quietly to the nurses who nod in agreement.

There’s a flurry of movement, someone handing him the baby, asking if he wants to cut the umbilical cord once it's time to clamp it. He tears his eyes away from Tess, who is supporting her own head and blinking more normally now, long enough to look at the baby he’s cradling, and a sob bubbles up from his chest as he stares down at the perfect little girl in his arms.

Chapter Text

Ellie’s mama having a baby is suddenly not fun or interesting to her at all. 

It takes much longer than Ellie remembered even Aunt Maria’s baby taking, and Ellie is very bored of waiting, tired of having to constantly get her dad’s attention since he seems to be much more concerned with her mom right now. She’s trying to be sympathetic because her mama clearly does not feel very good, and she knows how much she likes having Joel to take care of her when she feels sick or is hurt too, but it’s taking hours, and Tess is still not getting better.  

At some point in the night, Tommy shows up in the clinic room, and Ellie somehow immediately knows that he’s there to collect her. She’s not happy about the arrangement to say the least. It’s a very upsetting development seeing as she had wanted to soak up as much time as possible having all of Joel and Tess’ attention and not having to share them with the dumb baby just yet. She also has serious concerns about not being there and missing out on the baby actually arriving after she’s waited so long for the moment.

“Ellie, baby girl, if you go with Uncle Tommy and go to sleep, the baby will be here before you know it,” her dad says, kneeling in front of her and taking her face in his hands, brushing away some wetness on her cheeks; she feels a bit embarrassed that she’s not sure when she started crying amidst her pleas to stay here. 

“I don’t wanna leave,” she whines, but definitely not because she’s tired. No, it’s just because she doesn’t want to miss the baby coming. She leans into his hands, taking longer to open her heavy eyes between blinks. 

“I know,” he says softly, pressing a kiss to her forehead as Ellie feels a different set of hands turn her around and pick her up.

She lets her tears soak into Tommy’s jacket instead, vision blurry as he carries her out of the clinic, steps rocking her to sleep much quicker than she’s willing to admit.

//

When Ellie wakes up the next morning, she recognizes where she is to be the bedroom she sleeps in when she’s at Uncle Tommy’s and Aunt Maria’s and realizes distantly that the reason she woke up even though the sun is barely peeking through the blinds is because of the screeches of her baby cousin coming from downstairs. She feels a very strange sense of unease that she can’t quite pinpoint, resulting in her deciding to stay in bed for as long as she can manage, not quite ready to face whatever the day has in store.

The bedroom door cracks open too soon, Tommy’s face cautiously peeking in and then swinging open the door fully when he sees that she’s awake. 

“Hey, Ellie bean,” Uncle Tommy smiles at her from the doorway. “When you’re ready to get up, we can go see your mama and the baby, came while you were sleepin’.” 

Ellie’s stomach drops at this news. She’s not sure if it’s because she missed the baby coming, doesn’t know when exactly she went from being the only child to the big sister, or if it’s setting in that now everything really is different.

“I’m goin’ back to sleep,” Ellie says weakly, not wanting to really deal with anything at the moment, pulling the blanket back up over her head. 

Tommy chuckles at that, and she hears his footsteps across the bedroom floor before he flips the blanket back down, making her hair go every which way. She scowls at him grouchily, reaching for the blanket again. 

“You feelin’ okay?” Tommy asks, slight smile still on his face as he reaches out to touch her forehead. In the distance, Ellie can hear Noah squealing and Maria’s soft voice speaking back to him. It’s not doing much for the sick feeling she’s trying to push to the side. 

“I feel bad. I don’t think I should see the baby ‘cause I may get it sick,” Ellie says very seriously, doing her best to look miserable and sick. 

“Hmm,” Tommy hums, taking a seat on the bed next to Ellie. “Let’s get up and have some breakfast and see how you feel then.”

Breakfast does sound good, so Ellie gets up, pushing her hair out of her face and fixing her twisted pajamas, following Tommy down the stairs while also informing him that she shouldn’t be near Noah either, just in case. 

“Good morning, Ellie,” Maria smiles brightly at her, bouncing Noah on her hip as she slides a plate with eggs and buttered toast on it toward Ellie. She picks up her fork hesitantly and starts poking at the food, not responding to Maria otherwise, not wanting to look at Noah right now. “Are you excited to go meet your baby sibling?” she asks, clearly not picking up on Ellie’s lack of enthusiasm. She shrugs, forcing herself to take a few bites of the eggs before Maria is situating Noah in a high chair pulled up right next to her at the table. As soon as Maria turns her back, Noah’s chubby and wet fingers reach out to grab some of Ellie’s scrambled eggs, smashing them in his fist with a gleeful squeal. 

“Noah, no!” Ellie yells, tugging her plate further away from his little fingers. 

“It’s okay, Ellie. I can get you more, honey,” Maria says, adjusting Noah’s high chair to be a bit further down the table. 

All Ellie wants to do is go home and lay in her parents’ bed and pretend like nothing is changing, that they’re going to come home soon without a baby, just give all of their time and attention and love to her and no one else. She wants to pretend like there’s not going to be an annoying little baby like this one to mess up her breakfast and be too loud in the mornings and still have everyone be all nice to them.

She feels heat rising to her face and suddenly feels the urge to bolt, noting how the front door is slightly cracked open, just a storm door separating her from being outside and running toward her own house where there is no baby and only the sounds and smells of home.

It’s not a perfect solution, but it’s the one she’s most familiar with, even after a year and a half in Jackson and living with her two parents. It won’t be permanent, she knows, but when Tommy and Maria have their backs turned, tending to Noah and the stovetop respectively, she scrambles down from her chair and sprints to the front door, not even bothering with shoes, feeling the cold snow soaking into her socks. Once she makes it a few houses down to her own, she squeezes herself through the spot in the fence that’s too far apart, knowing that they usually leave the back door unlocked. Luckily, she’s right, and she is able to easily run through the door and up the stairs, only one location on her mind. 

She bursts into her parents’ bedroom and launches herself into their bed, curling up into herself and shoving her face into their pillows, breathing in the comfort of being home and the somehow comforting silence that surrounds her. 

Tommy finds her there within minutes. Ellie knows because she hears the heavy sounds of his boots on the steps. She’s not sure how he was so easily able to get into the house when she had to use her super secret entry method, but there’s something a little reassuring about the fact that he knew exactly where to find her, there’s clearly no major panic in the way he’s moving through the house toward her. 

“Ellie,” Tommy sighs as he walks into the room, and Ellie hides her face in her arms. 

“Leave me alone,” she grumbles, trying to sound as intimidating as possible. 

“Come on, honey. You can’t run off and hide like that, even if you did come home. Everyone’s worried about you,” Tommy says, and Ellie feels the bed dip as he takes a seat. 

“Everyone’s worried about the baby,” she huffs.

Tommy sighs again, reaching out to rest a hand on Ellie’s back. “What’s goin’ on, Ellie?”

“I don’t like the baby,” she seethes, cheeks red and jaw stiff, tension radiating off of her as she flops over and rests her arms to her sides, fists balled up.  

“Why not? I thought you were excited to be a big sister,” Tommy reminds her, scooting a bit closer to her. 

“Well, now I’m not,” she snaps. “I hate it,” she says, crossing her arms over her chest. 

“Hey, now, kiddo, that’s a bit harsh,” Tommy says. “What’s really goin’ on here? You can’t hate a baby, it hasn’t even done anything yet. Haven’t even met ‘em.”

Ellie doesn’t say anything, instead turning her head away from Tommy. Looking at him is making her feel guilty, and she doesn’t appreciate that when she’s trying to be mad. Ellie may not be very old, but she understands that everyone loves babies. They’re cute and cuddly and sweet and tiny, all things that Ellie is starting to not be anymore. She’s seen how people are with Noah. No one ever shuts up about him, and any time her mom and dad spend holding Noah is time they aren’t paying attention to her.

“You know, you’re about the age your dad was when I was born,” Tommy says, deciding not to wait on her response. “It was hard for him too, not being the only kid in the house anymore.”

Ellie peers over at him curiously, always interested in knowing more about her parents. She tries not to look too eager to hear Tommy’s story, but the way he’s grinning tells her he can already sense her interest. Really, she’s just trying to imagine Joel and Tommy being so young. How can it be that Tommy used to be a tiny little baby? He’s her funny, tall, strong uncle, not her dad’s baby brother.

“It’s true. He wanted nothin’ to do with me for a long time, according to our mom. Then one day, he decided to give bein’ a big brother a chance, and the rest is history,” Tommy explains. “Best big brother ever, if you ask me, but I’m a little biased.”

“I don’t wanna be a big sister, though,” Ellie grumbles. “I wanna be the baby,” she says a bit more quietly. 

“Ellie. Your mom and dad havin’ a baby…it ain’t gonna change the way they feel about you, not one bit.”

“They told me that,” Ellie spits back because she’s not dumb. They had already told her too many times how much they love her and that the baby won’t make them love her any less. For some reason, it’s not helping how she feels right now.

“You know your dad still thinks about Sarah even though he’s got you? She’s not here anymore, and he still loves her. Him and your mama have plenty of love to go around,” Tommy says, making Ellie soften at the mention of Sarah. No one talks about her much, but she’s heard her dad say things before, call Sarah Ellie’s older sister that she never got to meet. Suddenly, Ellie feels guilty for causing all of this trouble when she’s been reassured plenty of times about her place in her parents’ lives and has no reason to really believe that having the baby here would somehow drastically change her life. 

“Wish I knew Sarah,” she says in a small voice.

“You woulda really loved her,” Tommy says, smiling sadly at her. “Now, come on,” he says, holding out his hand for her. “Let’s get you changed out of these pajamas so you can go see ‘em.”

Ellie nods sheepishly, allows Tommy to help her get dressed and brush her hair before walking toward the clinic together.

“Hey, baby,” Joel says, relief sinking into his features as Ellie walks into the waiting room hand-in-hand with Tommy. “We were so worried about you, Ellie,” he adds as he walks toward them. Ellie notes that Maria is already there, swaying in the corner of the room with Noah, probably sent here by Tommy to alert Tess and Joel to her decision to bolt and hide.

She removes her hand from Tommy’s and lifts her arms to Joel even though she weighs more than she used to and has grown to be about waist-high to him now. As expected, he bends to pick her up without any hesitation, and her arms and legs quickly wrap around him with a comfortable familiarity. 

“You can’t run off on people like that, Ellie,” his voice rumbles in her ears as she presses her face into his shoulder. “You know that.”

“Sorry,” she says into his neck before going quiet for a moment, enjoying her dad’s steady embrace and strong heartbeat. “I wanna see the baby now,” she says finally, lifting her face to look at him. “I’m gonna be a good big sister ‘cause you were a good big brother to Uncle Tommy,” she adds, hearing Tommy laugh behind her.

“Is that right?” her dad says with a crinkly-eyed grin, pressing a kiss to the side of her head. “I’m so glad, baby. Your mom will be excited to see you too,” he says, and it does make Ellie feel a little better to know that Tess still wants to see her even though they have a new baby and Ellie had acted like such a brat earlier, probably causing them unnecessary stress by not just staying with Tommy and Maria like she was supposed to.  

She peeks up from Joel’s shoulder as they enter the clinic room, immediately locking her gaze on Tess and the baby bundled up on her chest. 

“Hi, honey,” Tess greets her, adjusting the baby in her arms. “Do you want to meet your baby sister?” 

“Sister?” Ellie squeaks, looking to her dad for confirmation. 

“Mhm. You were right,” Joel smiles, still occasionally kissing her head. Joel walks her over to Tess, gently arranging Ellie in the space between the railing on the hospital bed and her. 

Ellie stares wide-eyed at the wrinkly little baby wrapped up tight in a white blanket, pink hat on her head. She can’t believe how tiny this little human is. 

“You can touch her, baby,” Tess says gently, shifting so that Ellie can see better. Ellie cautiously reaches out a hand toward the baby’s, in awe at how her tiny fingers wrap around one of Ellie’s. She gasps, looking over her shoulder at Joel who smiles at her. 

“Pretty cool, huh?” he says, looking a bit teary. Ellie nods, looking back to the baby. 

“What’s her name?” she asks, back to being wonderstruck by her little sister. 

“Her name is Grace,” Tess tells her. 

Ellie thinks for a moment, rolling the name around in her head. She decides she likes it pretty quickly, leans her face very close to the baby’s. 

“We’re gonna be best friends, Grace,” Ellie whispers. Tess wraps an arm around Ellie’s waist, pulling her close so she can kiss her hair. 

With the knowledge that her dad on her other side, broken watch still around his wrist in memory of her big sister, Sarah, and Uncle Tommy standing over by the door with Aunt Maria and Noah next to him, Ellie feels at peace with her completed family, more love surrounding her than she ever thought was possible growing up lonely and loveless in Boston.