Archive of Our Own ^beta

Tam woke up gasping. He couldn't breathe. Wouldn't breathe. His body wouldn't let him. And it hurt. 

So. Much.

He had just woken up from one of his daily nightmares, he joked to himself about calling it that. They happened practically every night, so it was kinda true. 

Tam had dealt with nightmares before, so this wasn't new. Expect this one, oh boy, this one was horrible. Tam practically felt the pain that was from his memories.

He was moving in his sleep. It was just some shuffling, at first. Then, the nightmare started. 

~~

"Look, boy," his father hissed, tightening the grip on Tam's arm. "Don't you ever go about that again, do you hear me?" Quan's voice boomed throughout the room. Tam's gaze went to his mother, who stood silently behind and watched. Of course, she wasn't doing anything. She never did. Unless of course, she wanted to, but that was never good. 

Quan scowled at Tam. Tam just glared back at him. Even at 5, Tam could glare like the Devil. For a moment, the two just stared at each other, hate filling their gazes. Suddenly, Quan threw Tam back into his room. Tam held back a yelp as he hit the ground. 

"You," His father hissed. "Don't come back out. Not until I've told you to." His father then slapped Tam in the face, before slamming the door to Tam's room closed. 

Tam winced and held where his father had slapped him. A trickle of blood dripped down from his mouth. He had been used to it by now, but it still hurt. He stood up and grabbed a wipe he had in the drawer of his tiny desk. Tam gently rubbed the touch where Quan had hit him, in a way he knew it would help. He had learned that trick before, after the other times. It didn't matter though. Nothing his father did to him mattered. 

~~

Tam's eyebrows scrunched up, as he pulled the blanket on him higher up. It was a nice blanket. It was soft, and light, and soft, and soft... Yeah, it was soft.  Tam liked soft. It was comforting. And cozy. And warm. And just... yeah.

~~

"Why hello there," said the woman. Tam looked up, weakly raising an eyebrow. A Physician. Ah. She had dark skin, and small, shiny jewels woven into her hair long hair. She had a look in her eyes that made Tam want to trust her. 

But he didn't.

He tried to read the name tag on the Physician's coat. Dilly? Or was it Fivvy? Tam put his head back into the pillow, giving up on the Physician. He gave the Physician a muffled response of 'mmhf.' 

"So," she said. "I've been told you haven't been eating." Tam just shrugged. "You know it's not good for you. Especially for an eight-year-old."

"Well, I'm a special case," Tam smirked. Dilly- Or Fivvy- grinned at him. 

"Only a couple minutes in, and I can tell I'm gonna like you," she said. It was just a few words, but it made Tam almost smile fully. He'd never heard those words before, those words to him. It was nice.

"So,"  Fivvy looked down at her clipboard. "Tam. Mind telling me why you aren't eating?" Tam just shrugged. Not that he would admit it, but he was kind of scared to tell her why. Because if he did, she would tell his parents and his parents would scold Tam, and then Tam wouldn't get to eat anything.

So basically, nothing would change.

Fivvy sighed. "Well, if you aren't gonna tell me..." If this was one of his parents speaking, they would have slapped him. Instead, Fivvy grabbed an elixir from her bag and gave it to him.

"Drink this," she said in a kind voice. "It'll make you feel better. Also, you need to eat something right away. Some soup, or something, anything healthy. And eat a lot. And don't worry," she said, when she saw the concern in Tam's eyes. "I'll tell your parents."

After a few seconds, Tam did, in fact, start to feel better. Fivvy must've noticed, because she grinned. 

"Glad to know your feeling better Tam," she said. Then, she stood up. "I'm gonna go to your parents, tell them about what they should do." 

Tam nodded. "Thank you, Ms..."

Fivvy grinned. "Of course. Get well soon." Then, she left.

~~

Tam remembered that. (Of course, he did, otherwise, it wouldn't be in his dream.) He remembered how his parents wouldn't let him eat anytime they got mad at his, or he mad a mistake. One time, he got so serious they had to call a Physician. Yay. Fun. 

~~

"TAM DAI SONG YOU COME DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!" Quan yelled. 10-year-old Tam sighed. He knew what was about to happen. Sure, he did just offer to go to be banished with his sister to Ellixum, and completely unintentionally embarrassed Quan in the process, but so what? It didn't matter, not anymore. Soon, in about 12 hours, he would be gone. His father would have no effect on him or Linh anymore. They'd be out of the house, away from their parents. Yes, it would probably be in the woods, but still. Being in the woods was way better than being with them...

Suddenly, Tam let out a yelp as his father grabbed his arm, twisting it tight and giving him an angry look. Tam had seen it before, but this one was pure rage. 

"Why," Quan started. Some of Tam's short black hair fell over to his eyes. "Did you do that?" His father was an inside voice, but it held an entire world of anger. 

Tam scoffed. "Uh, what do you think? Actually, though, what were you thinking about sending one of your kids to get banished? Banished! Out of the Lost Cities!"

"YOU DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" Quan roared, making Tam wince at the volume. 

"You do not tell me what to do!" Tam mocked his father but meant every bit of it. No one told him what to do. Especially not his father. 

His father's face reddened with rage, and he twisted Tam's arm even more. Tam winced again, feeling the pain creep up his arms.

"You," Quan hissed. "Are staying here. Is that understood?"

"No, not really," Tam rolled his eyes. 

Quan growled some colorful words.

"This is no joke, boy, you are going to stay in this household with me and your mother and that is final." Quan glared at his son. If he could call him that. 

"Can't make me!" ten-year-old Tam snapped. "Besides, you saw what happened at the Tribunal." Tam winced at the word. "I already yelled out to the world I'm going with Linh, which, by the way, you have full responsibility over!" Tam jerked his arm away from his father and glared at him. 

"Quan," Tam's mother, Mai, said, speaking up for the first time since the Tribunal. "Let the boy go. It'll be better for us since we will have neither of these troublesome children to deal with." She looked Tam in the eye. "Especially not this one." 

Mai said it in a soft tone, but it was harsh. Tam flinched at her words. 

"Exactly," Tam said, in the same tone as his mother. "Linh and I will be gone. Be. Happy." Then, he turned around and marched up the stairs, back to Linh. 

~~

Tam held the blanket tighter. After his 'family' came back from the Tribunal, it was... quite unpleasant. Tam was, admittedly, glad Linh and him were leaving. Away from their parents, away from the constant pressure, away from the pain. 

Then, suddenly, the nightmare turned way darker.

~~

Tam winced in pain, as he held his now cracked jaw. Turns out, calling every bad name to Lady I'm-A-Mence wasn't the best idea.

But it was worth it. 

She deserved to be called every single horrid word out there. 

But she didn't need to have to hurt his jaw, did she?

No, she did. It was Lady Gisela Sencen, a Neverseen tyrant. Of course, she did. 

"Now," Gisela started walking around Tam. "I hope that'll help you learn your lesson."

"Sorry for you, I never did well in school," Tam remarked, wincing at the pain. He wouldn't amuse her with silence because of the pain he caused her. No, he was not. 

Lady Gisela tsked at him. "Tam, you know very well that isn't true. I've seen your Foxfire entrance scores. And your current grades now."

Tam just shrugged. 

Gisela raised an eyebrow.

Tam stared back.

It was like that for a couple of minutes, and by now Tam felt his jaw going numb, in a way. If that was possible. He had never hurt his jaw before, never had he seen one's jaw broken.

Then, Gisela huffed. "You're a smart boy, Tam. The smartest out of the entire Black Swan group, in my opinion. But..." she trailed off, looking away with a smirk. 

"You're on my side now."

Maybe it was Tam controlling the shadows on accident, or maybe it was the fact it was very cold out. 

Either way, it became colder. Tam didn't like it. 

Gisela chuckled, and for a moment Tam thought she was going to do one of those classic evil villain laughs he'd seen in human movies with Tiergan. 

Goodness, did he miss Tiergan. 

The thought didn't last for long, as Gisela snapped at him to go back to his 'room.' 

Tam held back a sigh and silently marched back.

~~

Screams. That's all Tam heard.

Screams from Sophie.

Screams from Keefe.

Heck, he could swear he heard some dwarfs scream.

He might have as well.

So. Many. Screams.

Screams of fear.

Screams of pain.

Screams of joy.

Gisela's screams. 

They were more like cheers. Maybe Tam imagined it. Maybe it was from the human movies, he imagined Lady Gisela cackling in the background, throwing her head back.

He saw Glimmer, stepping backward, in fear.

The room went dark. Tam held his head.

The only light in the room was the light on Keefe's head. 

The shadows left. Tam felt him release a breath. 

He looked up, shakily. He saw Sophie and Gisela, near Keefe.

Keefe, who was lying on the ground. Lying on the practically dead. 

Because of him. 

He watched Sophie try to shake him awake. He watched Gisela, standing over, looking like she barely cared. 

Gulit piled up inside of him. If Keefe had died, it would've been partially his fault. 

His fault Keefe died.

His fault Keefe suffered.

His fault Sophie had to watch -and maybe feel- Keefe's pain as well.

His fault that Gisela would've gotten what she wanted.

His fault.

~~ 

Tam felt as if knives were cutting through him. Every single knife, cutting through him gave him a different kind of pain.

Guilt.

Fear.

Literal pain. 

More guilt.

PAIN.

His wrists burned.

The shadowflux marks burned so much it felt cold. 

It was too much.

To much pain, too much fear, too much guilt, it was too much-

Tam punched the wall next to him, hoping that would snap him out of his misery.

Of course it didn't. 

He no longer could feel his body. All there was, was this icy feeling of pain.

The icy feeling was enough to snap him awake.

Being awake didn't come without a price.

The pain from the light bonds on his wrists stung even more, and arms, and back with the shadowflux stains hurt so much-

Suddenly, the door, causing light to come into the room. Tam flinched.

"Tam?" Tiergan poked his head through the door. He gasped, slightly, and rushed over to Tam.

"Tam what happened?" he asked, concern all over his face.

Tam didn't reply. 

"Tam, are you okay?" Tiergan asked again. Instead of a response, Tam through his arms around him, pulling him into a hug.

Tiergan's concern was replaced with shock. After all, Tam Song was hugging him.

But that didn't stop Tiergan from hugging back. 

They stayed like that for a while. Eventually, Tiergan pulled away and look Tam in the eye.

"Tam," he said, for the millionth time. Or what it seemed to be. "What happened?" Tam looked away.

"Nightmare," Tam said eventually. "That's it." He sounded so small, so innocent, so scared-

It broke Tiergan's heart.

"Are you okay?" he asked, softly.

"Fine."

Tiergan sighed. That was Tam's response to everything, no matter what. 

He wrapped an arm around him, pulling Tam close. Tam leaned on him, a weary and tired look in his eyes.

And a sad one.

A sad one with pain, all over it.

Tiergan wiped Tam's tear-stained face. Tam's eyes filled with surprise as the realization had come over him that he had cried during the nightmare. 

Neither of them moved. Tam's breath slowly evened out. He closed his eyes. Soon enough, Tam had fallen asleep. Tiergan smiled weakly at him. Though it pained him to see Tam like this, hiding all of his hurt, it was nice to see him sleeping so peacefully. 

Tiergan gently laid Tam down, setting his head on his pillow. He put Tam's soft blanket around him. Tam shifted a bit but didn't wake. Tiergan leaned in a pressed a kiss onto Tam's forehead.

He got up and went to the door. Looking back at him, he whispered,

"I'm here for you Tam. I always will be." 

Then, he closed the door, leaving a small open space between the doorframe and the door, and left.