Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sunghoon stood outside the small ramen shop. Midnight would arrive gracefully in 30 minutes. It would knock on the door of the ramen shop, of sleeping people’s houses, of alcoholics who were just stumbling home, and on Sunghoon’s closed heart. 

He stepped inside, pushing aside the noren lightly. The owner’s wide smile greeted him.

“Sunghoon!” She beamed.

“Aoki-san,” Sunghoon greeted, his movements still awkward for a 27 year old. 

But this time, his beloved grandmother Aoki-san wasn’t alone. Someone else was there, someone who Sunghoon could recognise even in his most vague dreams.

“A new customer came today. I hope you don’t mind it,” Aoki-san said, eyes lit up and forehead wrinkling even more to show a warm smile.

The new customer only stared at Sunghoon, face betraying no emotion, contrary to his disposition Sunghoon was so used to. 

“Of course not,” Sunghoon replied and sat down in his usual spot, which happened to be right beside the new customer.

“I was just telling Sunoo here about how I went to live in the U.S. in the 80s,” Aoki-san said, in her usual cheerful tone. “I just started! Do you want to listen in too?” 

“Yes please,” Sunghoon replied with a small smile. A bowl of ramen was slid to him. It was his favourite- Tonkotsu.

“I was 24 when I was married. It was 1984. Funny year, if you ask me. When I was a child, my parents genuinely used to believe we were inching towards an Orwellian world. They were those nihilistic intellectuals, inspired by Mishima’s literature. But 1984 was better. The air was freeing. And love seemed to bloom in the air.”

Aoki-san’s eyes seemed to be lost in another world, remembering carefully every detail she was now recounting. Even at 70, she seemed to have more energy and optimism than Sunghoon. As he thought of this, he gave a careful side glance to the new customer. Or rather, to his ex group member, Kim Sunoo. 

Sunoo was listening just as carefully, his eyes trained on Aoki-san, a genuine smile coloring his features beautifully. Sunghoon remembered how Sunoo always enjoyed listening to other people’s stories. 

“My husband was transferred to the U.S. In those days, transfers to the U.S. by companies were not very common. He went ahead, jumping at the opportunity. It helped that he and I both knew English. Ah, wait! Sunoo wouldn’t know this, would he?”

Sunoo shook his head lightly.

“My parents were college professors. Female professors were incredibly rare at that time. So my mom was adamant I must be well educated too. She took it a bit too far though.” Aoki-san laughed as she said this. Sunghoon could imagine Sunoo’s smile at seeing someone laugh so heartily. “She made me learn Japanese, English and Chinese. I was taught two musical instruments. And I was well aware and educated in literature and philosophy sooner than most of my peers.”

“Seems like a heavy load, Aoki-san,” Sunoo said. Sunghoon gave him a side glance again. Did he just imagine it or did Sunoo have a burdened smile on his face?

“Well, it was beneficial for my later life. So I believe it all worked out eventually. Things always do.”

Aoki-san’s two customers, though, couldn’t agree so easily. And they both knew that. Their hearts beat as one at that moment, carrying a heaviness that usual people their age were unaccustomed to. 

“I had my first son there. He passed away when he was 24. But he was a cheerful boy, always excited because of the world.” Aoki-san’s voice was tinged with melancholy, although still cheerful, as if she remembered only the merry memories she had sketched with her son. 

Sunoo and Sunghoon both uttered a quiet “I’m sorry”. 

“Oh it’s okay. He truly lived life. That is what brings me relief. My second son was there to support us through the loss, so the pain was lessened. We were a very close family, you see.” 

Sunghoon had a lingering suspicion that Aoki-san's family wasn’t alive anymore. He was confused about a lot of details related to her life. Why did she run the ramen shop alone? Why was she running a ramen shop in the first place if she was so rich and more educated than even the cream of Japanese society? 

“Enough about me, though! How do you boys like the ramen?” 

Sunghoon smiled as he heard Aoki-san refer to them as “boys”, as if they were still teenagers. He remembered how he was called this by the fans and staff often. Melancholy invaded Sunghoon’s heart too.

“It’s delicious,” Sunoo replied in his usual chirpy tone. Sunghoon was a bit taken aback. Sunoo had progressively lost the life in his voice in the last year of Enhypen. He hadn’t met him after that. He wondered what had changed.

In fact, why was Kim Sunoo here? Of all the people who he could meet in an obscure ramen shop in Hida-Takayama, why did it have to be his ex group member? Where has Sunoo been for the past 2 years? 

“Thank you, dear Sunoo! I’m sure Sunghoon loves his ramen too! He always tells me how delicious it is. But he is a bit silent today,” Aoki-san pouted as she said the last part.

“Ah, sorry,” Sunghoon replied with his usual awkwardness. “It’s just like always, so delicious that I don’t feel like eating anything else the next day.”

“Oh, you and your compliments, child!” Aoki-san laughed warmly. Sunghoon smiled widely. And Sunoo…

Sunoo’s smile was small, Sunghoon noticed through his side glance. It was jarringly uncharacteristic of him. 

It reminded him of the Sunoo of nearly three years ago.

“Well, enough talk about me. I think you boys should get to know each other! Sunoo said he’ll probably be a regular customer here now. Isn’t that right, Sunoo?”

Sunoo gave a nervous laugh. “Your ramen is addictive, Aoki-san.”

“Well, then, Sunghoon, is it alright if I tell Sunoo about your old job?” 

Sunghoon’s chopsticks stopped on the way to his mouth. He considered what to reply for the next few moments. 

“That’s okay,” Sunghoon heard Sunoo say. “If it’s something you can only tell after asking for his permission, I’m fine with it being kept a secret.”

“You’re so mature, Sunoo!” Aoki-san exclaimed. “Thank you so much for understanding, child.”

“It’s nothing,” Sunoo gave a small smile. Sunghoon finally let the chopsticks into his mouth, the Karamiso on his taste buds now tasting a bit sour. 

“But then…” Aoki-san trailed off on a question she wanted to ask Sunoo. Sunghoon had an inkling of what it would be. “What do you do, Sunoo?”

“Oh. I’m a college student,” Sunoo answered easily. He must have prepared for this, Sunghoon realised. 

“Ah! Masters?” Aoki-san asked, probably because of Sunoo’s age.

“Undergraduation, actually.”

Aoki-san did not let the surprise show on her face. But Sunghoon knew it was there. 

He also knew the ramen shop owner never judged anyone.

“I am very proud of you, Sunoo. University is very hard.”

“It is. But it’s not harder than-” Sunoo stopped mid-sentence. Sunghoon knew what he wanted to say. His heart stopped, the ramen losing all its flavour. 

“Harder than…?” Aoki-san pushed lightly.

“My last job,” Sunoo said quickly as he gained his composure again. 

“Ah,” Aoki-san smiled, understanding evident in her features. “Whatever it was, I’m glad you’re free of it.”

“Me too,” Sunoo replied. Sunghoon noticed how the answer was too fast. 

Sunoo must have really hated that last year with Enhypen.

The ramen was finishing, the bowls emptying slowly, and a veritable silence fell upon the shop. 

“Do you not get many customers at this time, Aoki-san?” Sunoo asked.

“Not really. Sunghoon was my only customer for about a month before you came. I have two regular customers now!” Aoki-san replied with a wide smile. 

“I’ll make sure to visit Aoki-san daily then,” Sunoo said with a smile on his face. “The ramen is delicious.”

Sunghoon pursed his lips. He knew that Sunoo realised this wasn’t ideal for either of them. But it was true that Aoki-san’s ramen and the coziness she provided were unparalleled. Who was he to take this away from Sunoo? Particularly after…

“Let’s meet again tomorrow then!” Aoki-san declared buoyantly. 

As Sunghoon and Sunoo lifted the noren together, the former realised the direction towards their homes was the same. 

“Sorry, you can, uh…” Sunoo trailed off. He refused eye contact with Sunghoon. “Go first. If you want to.”

“Ah that’s okay,” Sunghoon answered immediately. “You can go first.”

Sunoo, though, simply stood there for the next minute, the air becoming even more awkward. 

“Hyung,” he started. The honorific surprised Sunghoon. There was no need for it now. They weren’t in a professional setting anymore. And they only had a 6 month difference.  Why didn’t Sunoo drop it?

“I’m sorry,” Sunghoon blurted out before Sunoo could say anything. “I don’t know what happened during that year. But I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry I ran away from you. I’m sorry I…” Sunghoon’s throat constricted in guilt. “I’m sorry I left you alone.”

“You don’t even know what happened, hyung.” Although Sunoo’s words were meant to be reassuring, Sunghoon detected a very obvious coldness in them. 

It terrified him. 

“You don’t have to apologise for what you didn’t know. But I’d like it if we don’t try to act like friends anymore.”

Sunghoon had always hated the rain. He hated drizzles. He also hated rain that seemed to be conveying heaven's wrath. No matter what form, shape and direction rain took, he hated it. Right now, as the drizzle came though, Sunghoon wished it could become one with him and stop his heart. He wanted the water to wash away the immense pain that had been reawakened by Sunoo’s words- the pain he knew already existed as a dull heartache. The pain he knew did not let him reach out to a Sunoo in need of help. The pain he knew invaded his heart everyday after Enhypen’s disbandment, after news of Sunoo leaving the industry, after the private news they received of Sunoo leaving Korea.

Sunoo, though, stood steadfast in the rain. He stood with a resolve that seemed to be saying emphatically “Park Sunghoon, I will never let you enter my heart again.”

Sunghoon shivered. 

“Oh-okay,” He replied after what seemed like hours of silence but were actually just 30 seconds. 

Sunghoon swore he saw hurt flashing in the younger’s eyes. But it was quickly replaced by a neutral coldness unique to Sunoo’s features. 

“I’ll go then. It’s getting pretty late. Goodnight.” 

Sunghoon wanted to say so much. ‘Let’s fix the past, Sunoo.’ ‘Let’s talk about what happened in that last year of the group’s existence’. ‘Why do you still call me hyung if you don’t want to be friends?’ 

‘Don’t leave me alone in the rain, Sunoo.’

Unspoken words ruled the air, though, as Sunoo walked away and Sunghoon was left alone on the street.

Chapter Text

The next morning, Sunghoon’s first thought after opening his eyes was about Sunoo. Sunoo in 2026. 

“Jungwon!” Sunoo shrieked as Jungwon ran around Sunghoon’s apartment, laughter erupting from the two younger men. “Give me back my phone!”

“Take it back if you can!” Jungwon challenged. Although in their early 20s, the leader and Sunoo still acted like teenagers. 

Sunghoon’s apartment was big. When the Enhypen members had decided to finally get their own apartments, Sunghoon did not plan to live alone. Apartments were still heavily priced, after all. Even though they were millionaires, Sunghoon would have preferred to spend his money on a more worthwhile investment. 

But as Jungwon and Jay chose to live together, followed by Heeseung and Jake (which surprised everyone), Sunoo, Riki and Sunghoon were the only members left. What Sunghoon had never admitted to anyone was the fact that his first thought had been “I want to live with Sunoo”. It just made sense, not because he was one of the three members left, but because Sunghoon knew his feelings for the younger man weren’t just platonic. 

Was he aiming to take it to the next level? He wasn’t dumb. He knew he couldn’t date his group member, no matter how open the other members were. All he wanted was to spend more time with Sunoo, know him deeper than he had ever known anyone. 

Sunoo, though, had qualms about leaving the youngest alone. And so he decided to be in an apartment with Riki. 

Sunghoon reassured himself it did not matter much. The apartments were all similar, on the same floor and the members did not have the arrangements strictly divided. And yet, a part of him broke at not even being a consideration in Sunoo’s apartment plans. 

“Sunoo oppa! Did you not want to live with Sunghoon oppa?” A brave fan once asked Sunoo. Sunghoon sat beside him in the fansign, eager to listen to his answer. 

“Of course I did! But I couldn’t leave Riki alone.” 

Sunghoon’s heart melted, almost as if the dry river in his heart had been miraculously filled with water. 

Now, Sunghoon was realising the arrangement really didn’t matter. Most of the members hung out in his slightly larger apartment anyway- as Jungwon and Sunoo were doing at present. 

“Yah, Yang Jungwon! I’m going to kill you!” Sunoo threatened playfully as Sunghoon walked into the kitchen facing the living room. His large living room showed an exciting scene of Jungwon shuffling around the couch, Sunoo’s phone in his hands.

“I’ll give you the phone back if you tell me what’s your deal with Soobin hyung,” Jungwon chuckled mischievously.

Sunoo blushed. Sunghoon’s heart caught in his chest. “Nothing’s going on!” Sunoo insisted. 

“Oh? Then what is this?” Jungwon asked as he touched the screen of Sunoo’s phone. The lock screen wallpaper was an Enhypen one from their latest comeback. In the notifications bar was a KakaoTalk notification. “‘Hey Sunoo! Is the Saturday plan still on?’ What Saturday plan is Soobin hyung talking about?”

“Nothing!” Sunoo said, shyness evident in his voice. Sunghoon’s heart dropped even more. “We’re just having dinner!”

The phone in Jungwon’s hand made a ping. Cat eyes immediately flicked to the phone, reading out loud the recent message. “‘If it is, I’m gonna wear my best suit for you’. Sent with a wink emoji…” 

“Jungwon-ah!” Sunoo scolded. 

“Oh my god, it’s a date, isn’t it? You’re going on a date with Soobin hyung!”

At this point, Sunoo was too embarrassed to answer.

“Did you hear that, hyung?” Jungwon now looked in Sunghoon’s direction. “Sunoo hyung is going on a date with Soobin hyung!”

“Yeah,” Sunghoon gave a small smile. He wished someone could rip his heart out. 

At that moment, he wished he had never been made aware of Sunoo’s existence itself.

Sunghoon regretted thinking that thought on that one bright day. Everyone was happy and supportive. Sunghoon, though, couldn’t digest his jealousy well. And it became too obvious in how he snapped at Sunoo a few times after that day. He wondered if that was the beginning of their relationship becoming worse. 

If that was the beginning of Sunoo’s depression. 

Sunghoon cooked up toast and coffee for himself. He missed Jake’s coffee. But he filed this thought aside as he proceeded to complete his morning routine of checking his emails. 

As usual, nothing was new. Sunghoon’s day was the exact same. Wake up, take a shower, eat breakfast, check emails, and then finally, start working on lyrics and production of new music for different groups.

Following Enhypen’s disbandment and its sour outcomes, Sunghoon had originally decided to continue his career in acting and singing (before fate showed him the different path he was on right now). He stayed signed with his company, as did all of the Enhypen members.

Sunoo’s case was notably different, though. In fact, it was the reason why they chose to stay with the company but did not renew their contracts as Enhypen. 

As Sunoo thought back to 2027 (for what seemed like the millionth time now), he remembered yet more details. Every hint Sunoo was leaving was like a ticking time bomb. He wasn’t doing well. The members all knew that. And they tried their best to approach him. 

But Sunghoon never did so. Sunghoon never made an effort to reach out, to assure Sunoo he’ll be fine, to convince him the pills were working, to ask him why he became a victim to depression in the first place, to tell him the world did not hate him but in fact, looked at him with immense love in their eyes. He knew all of this. But the fear of letting his love for Sunoo become an actual reality outside of his brain was paralysing.

Perhaps it was exactly this- the lack of initiative at the part of one member- which led the group to break down. The mutual decision they made in mid-November to not renew their contracts, in a gathering at Sunghoon’s apartment, did not really surprise anyone. They knew the end was coming for some time now. It was only a question of when. 

What did surprise the members, though, was Sunoo leaving the company and finally, even the industry. “Kim Sunoo retires from the K-Pop industry” was plastered all over the headlines for the next week. Fans expressed how they knew this was coming, Sunoo’s mental health struggles in the past year having been well known. K-Pop analysts wrote articles upon articles about the negative effects of the industry on an idol. Company officials whispered about the potential Sunoo still had that would now go to waste. The members cried, sometimes together, sometimes alone, but made sure to wish Sunoo the best for his life ahead.

And Sunghoon? Sunghoon was numb. He was a walking zombie as he woke up everyday. There was no Enhypen, there was no Sunoo in the industry and there was no light for him now.

There was Sunoo next door, though, right?

It pained the Sunghoon of now to even think about the details of the day Sunoo left Korea, almost a month later. 

“Sunoo said he wants to start university now,” Heeseung announced to Sunghoon one morning. He was seated on the chairs in front of Sunghoon’s kitchen island, forearm on the table and twiddling nervously with his thumbs. Sunghoon noticed how strange these movements were for Heeseung. There must be more. 

“What does he want to study?” Sunghoon asked, voice careful to not betray even a single emotion he was feeling right now. He wished the numbness would come back.

“Poetry and literature.”

“Makes sense. He’s always had a poet inside him.” 

Heeseung’s nervous actions did not cease.

“There’s more?” Sunghoon asked. 

“Yeah. But you’re probably not going to like this part.”

“What? He’s going to America to study?” Sunghoon chuckled wryly. It was an absurd proposition. Sunoo never had an interest in the English language. 

When Heeseung looked up to gaze into Sunghoon’s eyes now, they were filled with pity. For some reason, it disgusted him. 

“Japan.”

“What?”

“He’s going to Japan. Permanently.”

Sunghoon froze. There was no floor beneath his feet. There was only a void. Sunghoon was mercifully being held by a mysterious force as he stood above it. But the void called to him with even more power now.

“...Permanently?”

“He’s not returning even after he completes his studies.”

Sunghoon fell into the void, irretrievably losing his soul to it. 

The members were asked not to go to the airport. Fans weren’t supposed to be aware about Sunoo leaving Korea. Of course, sooner or later, it was going to come out. He was pretty popular in Japan too, after all. But right now, he needed the least possible attention he could get. 

As the members filed into Sunoo and Riki’s apartment to bid him a final goodbye that day, Sunghoon was nowhere to be found. 

Sunghoon’s phone rang. 

“Hello?” He answered. 

“Sunghoon!” The voice of the new HYBE group’s producer greeted him from the other side. “Hope you’re doing well, buddy. How is that third B-side coming along?”

“Uh, good. I was working on it yesterday. But I didn’t like them much so I decided to introduce some changes. I’ll send you the final demo of this one maybe a week later.”

“That’s fine. You always do the work well so it’s all good. Just make sure to ring me up if you’re stuck anywhere.” The producer sounded in a particularly good mood today. Maybe he missed Sunghoon.

“Got it. Thanks.” 

Sunghoon couldn’t wait to go to Aoki-san’s again. 

Sunghoon pushed aside the noren again. Today, he could hear laughter- Aoki-san’s hearty one, and a melodious one that tugged at his heart. 

“Sunghoon, welcome back!” Aoki-san greeted him cheerfully. “Sunoo and I were discussing the antics of one of his classmates. It’s hilarious.”

Sunghoon realised this would now be their routine. He’d be a little late as he entered the shop and Aoki-san would ask him if he wanted to join into the conversation that was currently ongoing. The conversation would never be too deep though. So it could easily be started again. 

“Go on, Sunoo,” Aoki-san encouraged. 

“Well,” Sunoo started. Sunghoon realised he had mirth in his voice. It was refreshing. He missed this part of Sunoo. “I was sitting in class, reading this one book we have been recommended for our course. In comes Hideya, one of my classmates who sits behind me. The professor was a bit late that day. Usually, she is the one who is early. So Hideya was obviously excited.”

Now that Sunghoon was fully allowed to gaze at Sunoo (on account of the storyteller this time being him), he noticed how Sunoo’s beautiful fox-eyes were narrowed in a light-hearted way that he hadn’t witnessed for the past three years. Sunoo’s smile was still infectious, as Sunghoon ended up smiling too. 

Unbeknownst to him, Aoki-san’s eyes flicked to Sunghoon’s smile before it settled with a knowing soft stare at Sunoo again. 

“He came rushing into the room, just slid on the floor, pretending he was a dancer. Then he quipped ‘Can I be your professor today, ladies and gentleman?’” Sunoo’s voice lowered as he imitated Hideya’s playful voice. Aoki-san chuckled.

For some reason, Sunghoon was striked with the sudden realisation that Hideya was not just a friend to Sunoo. He looked at the younger’s face with a probing gaze. Sunoo had that same dreamy expression he always had when he talked about a guy he liked. 

Sunghoon teared his eyes away from Sunoo. His heart couldn’t digest this. 

“Half of the class erupted in laughter. Half just rolled their eyes. We are college students, after all. But the class was notably lighter after that. Hideya always has that magic on us.”

“Well, that’s good, isn’t it?” Aoki-san opined. “There should always be someone like that among a bunch of stressed college students.”

Sunoo smiled, a slight weariness evident, as he nodded in agreement. 

“Does Sunghoon have any stories to tell us today?” Aoki-san asked the man in question. Sunghoon wondered how she had so much energy at her age. He filed away a note in his mind to ask her about it one day.

“Not really,” Sunghoon shifted in his seat. “There’s just this song I’m making that I’m worrying isn’t turning out well.”

“You’re a producer?” Sunoo asked before Aoki-san could make Sunghoon clarify to him. Clearly, the woman herself was surprised too. This was the first time she had seen her two customers interact directly with each other.

“Producer and lyricist both,” Sunghoon answered. “I just send demos of a few songs every 6 months to a company and they see if it can work out for some of their groups. I’m basically a freelancer under an obscure name but mostly associated with one company.”

“Is there any particular project you’re working on at the moment?” Sunoo asked again. Sunghoon was pleasantly surprised. There must be a reason behind Sunoo suddenly taking so much interest in his new field of work.

And yet when he looked at Sunoo, he realised the younger one wasn't directly looking at him. His was a sideways stare, indicating how he did not want to talk much to Sunghoon even now. 

“The company is debuting a new group. They want me to be more involved with it than other projects right now. The title track is done but I’m still working on the B-sides.”

“Sunghoon works with the K-Pop industry, you see,” Aoki-san clarified. Sunghoon realised she must still be thinking Sunoo has no connection to the industry himself. He was glad she wasn’t a regular internet user. 

“Ah. Must be tiring,” Sunoo said, two very recognisable emotions in his voice- anger and bitterness. The sheer intensity of it from Sunoo’s normally melodic voice scared Sunghoon.

“It is”, he chose to reply carefully. “But a job is a job.”

But maybe that wasn’t a careful addition. 

“Ah yes, of course. Being professional, always giving your best even when you’re exhausted… All of this is important, right?” Sunoo now faced Sunghoon, his eyes finally meeting the older’s. Sunoo’s gaze held a pain only Sunghoon was familiar with seeing. 

It reminded him a lot of a certain time

It was May 2027. It was also their nth comeback. Sunghoon couldn’t remember the number. If someone asked him the name of their album, he probably wouldn’t even be able to tell them that. He was exhausted. They just had a comeback, there was a tour they started in 2 weeks, and they were constantly practicing, feet and legs so sore that even their expensive massagers couldn’t relieve it. Sunghoon had a feeling they were being pushed to this extent because the company was vaguely aware of the environment among the members. They knew Sunoo would not be renewing the contract. But they were afraid more members would follow. 

It pained him to know that the company which loved them so much could push them so recklessly. Was it actually misguided love for them? An attempt to show them how much they loved working with Enhypen (which was a plan failing terribly right now)? Or, were they reduced to just another money making group for the company? Jay would probably remark on the lack of ethics in capitalism at this point. But Sunghoon wasn’t sure he really wanted to listen.

The members reached the practice room in the company that morning, exhaustion sketched on their faces like permanent lines now. With americanos and cappucinos in hand, they slumped down into the couch, waiting for someone to turn on the music so they could drag their zombie-like bodies to become idols again.

“Sunoo isn’t here yet?” Jake asked. If Sunghoon was less tired, he would have noticed the concern in Jake’s eyes.

“He woke up a little late and wanted to properly finish breakfast before he came,” Riki replied. “He’ll probably be here in just a few minutes.”

“Is Sunoo eating well?” Heeseung asked. 

“Yeah,” Riki answered. “He’s taking the doctor’s advice seriously now and taking his meals well. If he doesn’t, I usually push him.”

“Professionalism should never evade an idol,” Sunghoon suddenly said. Five heads turned to him. In all honesty, he didn’t know why he said that. He knew he just wanted to see Sunoo, make sure he looked okay today, even if he did not have the guts to ask him more about his condition. But for some darned reason that now made no rational sense to him, he continued. “As an idol, we’re always supposed to give our best even when we’re exhausted. A job is a job”. His robotic voice completed his declaration.

A particular thing Sunghoon had always disliked about the practice room was the fact that the couch was rooted to the same wall where the entry door was. It always became difficult to see who entered and when. In their earlier days, the members would doze off during practice and the choreographer would suddenly make an appearance, shocking even the member keeping watch. It did not land them in any particular trouble, but they were pretty embarrassed about the situation. 

Given this peculiar arrangement in the practice room, Sunghoon did not notice Sunoo’s frame in the entry door. In hindsight, he was annoyed by how much this resembled a scene from a drama- you say something behind someone’s back but they’re standing right behind you.

Sunoo, though, walked in silently and suddenly after Sunghoon had given his thoughts on the lack of professionalism he apparently had. 

“Sunoo hyung…” Jungwon said, suddenly sitting up straighter. His eyes immediately flicked towards Sunghoon, with a rare anger in his expression.

“Sorry. Was trying to be professional but I cannot die, you know. Doctor says food is important right now,” Sunoo said lifelessly as he went to select a song on the music player.

“No, Sunoo,” Heeseung immediately jumped to save the situation. “We’re all just exhausted. I’m sure Sunghoon was making one of his stupid and tasteless remarks that he actually doesn’t mean”. He added the last few words with narrowed eyes towards Sunghoon, clearly asking him to apologise.

Sunghoon was a bit too tired that day, though.

“My feet are so sore that I couldn’t feel them yesterday,” Sunghood said as he stood up and walked over towards Sunoo. “Jongseong told us he cried in his sleep for the first time in years a few days back, all because of exhaustion. Jake spaces out regularly while eating breakfast with me. Heeseung hyung has not touched a single one of his games for the past few days, despite him almost never missing out a day even when we were on tour overseas. Jungwon and Riki both walk like zombies everyday. And yet you don’t see us losing our professionalism, Sunoo.”

The environment in the practice room was suffocating now, so suffocating that the members felt like they were choking.

“Sunghoon, you cannot just-” Jay started.

“Is that it, Sunghoon hyung?” Sunoo scoffed. “Or is there more you have to say to me? Maybe tell me how I’m the most unprofessional idol to exist, constantly having to take breaks and visit doctors more regularly than even patients with terminal illnesses. Or maybe you can tell me how awful I look today, eyes sunken in and deathlike pallor on my face. Or maybe you can tell me how much you actually hate me, how much you’ve hated me everyday for these past 7 years.”

The last sentence kicked the breath out of Sunghoon’s lungs. He did not want to-

“You’re just waiting for me to leave, aren’t you? You’re just waiting for that day in January when we go into that damned conference room and announce our final decisions. You’re just waiting for me to finally say ‘I don’t want to renew the contract’. That’s it, isn’t it?”

Sunghoon wanted to say this wasn’t true. The voice inside of him was now screaming. He was losing Sunoo. He had been for some time now. But something told him this would be Sunoo’s last straw. He would never come back to Sunghoon after this. And yet…

“Maybe things would be peaceful if you actually left.”

Sunghoon wanted to say a million things. He wanted to explain how this statement had more nuance. He wanted to talk about the complicated feelings he had about Sunoo’s ongoing depression treatment (even if he did not know the underlying reason), about how it inevitably seemed to be threatening the group’s unity and sanity. But most importantly, how worried he was about Sunoo- about cheerful Sunoo losing the smile on his face, about him losing more weight than was necessary for any normal human being, about his eyes becoming lost and dead orbs. 

But Sunghoon had never been good with words.

“Sunghoon!” Heeseung shouted.

Sunoo simply stood at his spot. For the first time in days, his face showed an emotion- sadness. Sheer heart-rending sadness. Perhaps even with a hint of betrayal.

“Okay,” he replied simply.

Sunghoon couldn’t remember for the life of him what had transpired after that.

At present, Sunghoon wondered if he had hallucinated the pain in Sunoo’s eyes. Because they were blank now, not even a single emotion visible in them.

“Sometimes, people are just taught their entire lives that carrying on despite fatigue is the only way of existing. I just grew up with that belief. But I don’t think it should apply in all circumstances,” Sunghoon said. 

“That’s true, Sunghoon,” Aoki-san pitched in. He was extremely grateful for her presence at this moment. “It’s okay to be professional. It’s admirable, in fact. But I would add that you cannot always carry on. Sometimes, you deserve a break.”

Sunghoon couldn’t help shake off the idea that Aoki-san was directing this particularly to the two men in front of her, almost as if she knew…

That was impossible. What was he thinking?

“And I’m sure my ramen gives you both that break,” Aoki-san winked cheekily. Sunoo burst out laughing as Sunghoon smiled.

“Aoki-san! You’re so funny!” Sunoo said. Sunghoon felt his smile widen at hearing a genuine and unbridled laughter from him.

“70 year old women can be very funny, child,” Aoki-san said proudly.

That night, Sunghoon’s heart relaxed a little, knowing that Sunoo could still laugh like he used to. He promised himself to witness more instances of it, even if it meant staying up late everyday just to visit the ramen shop.

Chapter Text

Sunghoon returned to Aoki-san’s ramen shop a week later.

He did not intend to delay his regular visits. If anything, he was even more eager to visit the shop now, considering how there was a certain someone whose smile he would kill to see again. But work was merciless. All Sunghoon could do after a tiring day was lay down in his bed and drift off to sleep in a matter of minutes. 

The night before his visit was plagued by a nightmare. It made sense why. 7 January was the anniversary of the day Sunoo had officially informed the company of his decision. Every 7 January renewed the pain that tormented Sunghoon’s heart even now.

The dream started normally. Enhypen were getting ready for their debut, practicing eagerly even till late night. Sunghoon had made a joke. It wasn’t clear what the joke was. He just knew he had made one. The members laughed, as they always did at his effortless humour. 

But something was missing. A certain loud and exuberant laugh. Sunghoon immediately whipped his head around, searching for the boy his mind was solely focused on now. 

“Sunghoon? What’s wrong?” Heeseung asked. The sound was vague, almost as if it was from a faraway place. 

“Where’s Sunoo?” He asked with a restless voice. 

“Who’s Sunoo?” Jake replied with a questioning tilt of his head. 

Sunghoon’s heart seemed to have stopped. Suddenly, he found breathing more difficult than he ever had. 

“Our member, Sunoo!” Sunghoon felt his voice grow even more restless and loud. “Cute fox eyes, always smiles the brightest.”

“Is this a prank, Sunghoon?” It was Jay’s turn now. His voice held a certain humor, as if Sunghoon would turn around the next moment and burst out laughing.

“No! Where is Sunoo? Why are we only…” Sunghoon suddenly realised what had seemed so off even in the beginning.

There were only 6 members in the practice room. 

“Why are we only 6?” A shiver went down Sunghoon’s spine as he said this. 

“Hyung, that’s the number of members we have. That Enhypen has,” Jungwon replied, the only one who was starting to catch on this was possibly not a prank now. 

“No! We were 7! We have always been 7!” Sunghoon shouted. He felt his knees growing weaker as he lost his composure even more. “Where is Sunoo?” Tears now filled his eyes as he slumped down to the floor.

The other members surrounded him now, kneeling to face him, with their faces contorted in pity and concern.

“Sunghoon, we’ve always been 6. There is no Sunoo here.”

Sunghoon let out a loud sob.

He woke up in his room now, panting hard. Sunghoon realised he wasn’t in the practice room anymore. He was in his apartment, moonlight pouring into his bedroom through the window. He laid back down, eyes fixed at the ceiling now. Sunghoon did not understand why he had this dream. Enhypen never continued as 6 anyway. Maybe it was related to the leftover fear he had from his I-Land days, secretly worrying whether his friends would make it or not.

No theory really made sense. But all he could think right now was how much he wanted to visit Aoki-san’s shop right now. He decided to definitely visit tomorrow, no matter what storm came to stop him.

Of course, not much of a storm derailed his plans the next day. Work was still heavy, with the company pushing to debut the group a little earlier. But Sunghoon was steadfast in the promise he had made to himself.

That day, though, Sunoo wasn’t in the ramen shop.

“No Sunoo today?” He immediately asked as he entered. 

“Hello to you too, child,” Aoki-san chuckled.

Sunghoon blushed and uttered a quick hello back to her. 

“Sunoo came two days back. He said he won’t be coming for the next week. He has exams.”

Today was a Friday. This meant… two days of the weekend and an entire week without seeing Sunoo. Sunghoon couldn’t help the feeling of slight sadness creeping up in his heart now. 

“Ah. That’s understandable,” Sunghoon muttered as the Tonkotsu ramen was set in front of him. He didn’t realise how much he had missed this. 

“Sunghoon,” Aoki-san started. The man in question noted how her tone was slightly grave. “Is something bothering you, my child?” 

“What?” Sunghoon said, flustered by the sudden question. 

“I never said this around him but you act a little strange around Sunoo sometimes. Almost as if you admire him but are scared of him.”

Sunghoon shouldn’t have expected less from the observant ramen shop owner. 

“I’m not… scared of him exactly.” 

Aoki-san kept her eyes trained on him, signalling him to talk about it more.

“We just have a lot to talk about,” Sunghoon hung his head low as he said this.

“Because he’s an old friend?” Aoki-san asked with a small smile on her face.

Sunghoon looked up with shock. “How did you…”

“To be fair, it was obvious. You’re not very good at hiding your expressions.”

“How much did you… figure out, Aoki-san?”

“Not much. I could just see there was a certain strain between you both. You must have been close. But something happened. Am I correct?”

“Yeah.”

“So? Do you want to talk about it?”

Sunghoon hesitated. He did not know how much he could reveal. Sunoo himself had only mentioned he was a student. 

“We just,” He decided to go with the basics. “Had a lot of fights. So our friendship became sour. And now we’re here.”

“Hmm,” Aoki-san took in Sunghoon’s words, deep in thought. “Was there a particular cause of these fights?”

By this point, Sunghoon knew very well what the cause was. He knew it long before too. But he had refused to talk to anyone about it, deciding to take his secret to his grave. 

“I might have an idea,” He replied, voice small.

Aoki-san smiled. Sunghoon thought he was just imagining it, but he looked up at her again. She was smiling knowingly . Did she figure out what Sunghoon himself couldn’t for a few years? 

“Go on,” she encouraged. “I would never judge you, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

Sunghoon realised she definitely knew.

“I’m… guessing that the cause was repressed feelings.”

“That is always true”, Aoki-san replied. Sunghoon was taken aback by the warmth and sincerity in her voice, almost as if she was talking to her own child. “When you bury your feelings for someone too deep inside you, resentment might follow as an unexpected outcome.”

At this point, Sunghoon wanted to ask an obvious question. He was worried, even a bit scared to know how Aoki-san would answer. He wasn’t particularly close to the older woman. But for some reason, he wanted to seek her approval, even if it was something he did not have to rely on approvals for.

Aoki-san was two steps ahead of him though. “Feelings are feelings, child. I know what you’re thinking about. But whether you have feelings for a man or a woman, it is the same thing.”

Sunghoon looked up with surprise at her. He was met by a face with a gentle smile on it. 

“Thank you,” he decided to say finally. He had never been very good with words. But he knew Aoki-san understood and accepted that. At that moment, he also realised how peaceful he felt in this place. 

“Do you remember my son, Sunghoon?” Aoki-san asked after a few minutes of silence.

“The older one who passed away young?”

“Yes. Him. He was gay.”

Sunghoon wasn’t very shocked. But Aoki-san’s expression was one that seemed… guilty. This worried him.

“We never really guessed it. He used to hide his emotions and feelings a lot. And at that time, we assumed that it was mostly feminine men who were gay. So it never even crossed our mind. He never told us.”

Sunghoon realised the story probably did not have a happy ending.

“He had a heart problem that caused his death. We knew he wasn’t fated to live a long life anyway. But what broke us more about his death were the letters we discovered later- letters that he had been writing to us, to his younger brother, to his friends, and to his boyfriend. He was…” There were tears in Aoki-san’s eyes now. 

Sunghoon could have never imagined this. For some reason, the Aoki-san in his eyes was always cheerful, always smiling with gentleness and playfulness in her eyes. To see her in pain was an agonizing scene for Sunghoon.

“He apologised to all of us. For being gay, for hiding it, for not being able to live openly, for not being able to change himself. There were a lot of contradictory emotions in the letters. He sounded scared, upset, absolutely broken and exhausted. I wish we had shown him more that we had no issue with a gay son.”

Sunghoon, for some reason, immediately recalled that one conversation he had with Sunoo once.

It was a cold December evening in 2023. Christmas had passed and a new year was just around the corner. The members were out shopping- groceries, clothes, accessories, everything they could gather before the new year. Sunghoon and Sunoo, though, stayed at home. Sunoo, because he wanted to catch up on a drama, and Sunghoon, because he didn’t want to leave Sunoo alone.

In the past three years of the group’s existence, Sunghoon had learned how to be closer to Sunoo, how to express his affection more comfortably, and how to accept the other boy’s affections. He acknowledged how much Sunoo had helped him become comfortable with himself in general, his confidence positively affecting all the members of the group.

“Finished that drama?” Sunghoon asked as he entered the kitchen to fetch coffee for himself. Sunoo was seated on the dining table, scrolling through his phone.

“No. Just taking a break from bingeing it.”

“Ah,” Sunghoon replied. “Want coffee?”

“No thanks. I just had hot chocolate.”

“And you didn’t offer me any?” Sunghoon asked playfully. He didn’t like hot chocolate anyway. And he knew Sunoo knew this.

“You don’t even like hot chocolate, hyung,” Sunoo answered, a small smile tugging at his lips.

“Yeah I’m just messing with you.”

Sunoo stuck his tongue out before resuming his scrolling. But Sunghoon watched his expression turn sour in just a matter of minutes.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“Nothing. Just… all the news about these anti LGBT legislations in some countries is worrying.”

Sunghoon, contrary to what a lot of people around him thought, was bisexual and well aware of it. He accepted himself as he was, refusing to change any part of himself. But for some reason, his confidence in his identity never translated to actually coming out to anyone. It was a well guarded secret.

On the other hand, it had taken Sunoo a month after Enhypen’s formation to come out to the members. He still remembered how Jay had jokingly remarked in support “You’re bisexual? I thought you were gay.”

“That’s actually me,” Jungwon had added. 

To this day, the members still burst out laughing when they remembered the day Jungwon and Sunoo had both come out to them. 

Not coming out had led to Sunghoon to never being able to express just how much he himself was hurt by homophobic sentiments. As was the case now. 

“It’s really sad that this is happening,” Sunghoon replied. 

“Hmm,” Sunoo clicked his tongue. “Feels awful to see my community facing this worldwide.”

Sunghoon sat down beside Sunoo on the table now. He was starting to understand how deeply Sunoo felt about this. 

“Was it hard for you too?” he suddenly asked Sunoo, the question unexpectedly slipping out of his mouth.

“Was what hard?”

“Accepting the fact that you liked men too?” 

Sunoo put down his phone as he seemed to think this over. “Of course. For any LGBT person, it’s really hard. But personally, I just ignored it initially. I always used to think I’d just fall for a girl and marry her. Nobody would be disappointed in me then.”

Sunghoon did not like where this was going. He had always assumed Sunoo was confident being himself in every way possible. Subconsciously, his hand reached out to Sunoo’s hand on the table to hold it. If the younger boy was surprised, he did not show it. 

“But love never works like that. You don’t decide who you’re going to fall for. So when I consistently fell mostly for men, I realised the ideal life I had created for myself just wouldn’t work out. I was angry at myself, upset at this possibility, scared of the reactions I would get from my friends and family. But I was also disappointed in myself for not being able to immediately love and accept myself, the way I did with other people.”

“But you accept yourself now, don’t you?” Sunghoon prompted as he carefully eyed his hand that was in Sunoo’s right now. He loved this feeling. He wanted it to stay.

“I do. But it’s a battle I have to fight everyday. I just keep telling myself that even if I’m exhausted, I need to be brave for myself and for other people.”

Sunghoon smiled. He understood then why he had been developing a crush on Sunoo for some time.

“I’m so sorry to know this, Aoki-san,” Sunghoon now said, recalling how pained Sunoo had sounded at not being able to accept himself fully. For Aoki-san’s son, it must have been an even more excruciating ordeal, given the lack of support.

“It’s okay. It’s not me who deserves an apology or pity here. I’m not sure why I’m telling you this exactly. Maybe because I want to show you that I do support you, just like I would support my own son. But it might also be because I know how much hiding yourself and your feelings can affect you.”

Sunghoon did not have an answer to this. Not yet, at least. He was also well aware Aoki-san did not want him to have an immediate answer. She was almost implicitly telling him to take his time, but not lie to himself.

And Sunghoon received the message loud and clear.

“Thank you,” Sunghoon said finally, giving his softest smile to the older woman.

He went home that night with a weightlessness he hadn’t experienced in years.

Chapter Text

Kim Sunoo used to have a wish. It was a wish he had since he saw that one boy in I-Land. A wish that intensified when he debuted with him in Enhypen. A wish that he held onto for 6 years after his group’s debut. A wish that was shattered in his last year with the group.

He wanted to kiss Sunghoon. He really wanted to pour his entire love into that kiss, even if it was only once. 

Initially, Sunoo laughed at his bad luck. Why in the world was he crushing on a straight boy? But slowly, he found himself at peace with this fact. It was too difficult to date a group member, anyway. And Sunoo had a feeling that even if the heavens permitted Sunghoon to like men, Sunoo would be the last man he’d ever see as his type. 

But the desire to kiss Sunghoon never went away. It was strange really. Obviously, he wanted to go on a date with him too. He wanted to see what it would be like to be Sunghoon’s boyfriend. But none of these desires came even close to wanting that one kiss. 

So when he saw a familiar face in a random ramen shop again, everything inside Sunoo came to a stop. It started again. He really wanted to kiss the man who now looked utterly in shock just to see his face. Sunoo hated this thought more than anything in his life right now. He was about to start one of the most difficult periods of college life yet again (exams. God bless his soul), the boy he had a small crush on barely paid attention to him these days, he felt exhausted and lonely more than he thought was possible, and even after two years, adjusting to living alone was harsh on him. Despite all of this, Sunoo still hated the thought of wanting to kiss Park Sunghoon more. 

But that night, as he went back home crying, Sunoo realised with dejection that Sunghoon was still the same. He always let him go. He always agreed with leaving Sunoo alone. He had never actually cared about him.

And yet, he still wanted to kiss Sunghoon. 

As the horror of finals week passed with a grating slowness unique only to the tortures of university, Sunoo found himself beyond exhausted. All he wanted to do right now was sleep. He laid down on his bed at 11 P.M. and put on an Ichiko Aoba playlist to sleep. But he soon found himself facing another really intense wish. 

He really wanted to hear the music Sunghoon had produced. Sunoo did not even know what name the older man went by in the industry now. But he found himself wanting to search for it more. To find out what music Sunghoon made. To listen to it until he was sick of all the songs and decided to remove them from his playlist the way he wanted to remove Sunghoon from his life.

In a matter of minutes, Sunoo found himself dressed up again, ready to go to the ramen shop. His feet worked on their own accord, transporting him to the ramen shop in the next 30 minutes. 

Sunoo pushed aside the noren and found the devil himself seated in his regular place. 

The devil in question turned his head towards him, his gaze unreadable. Sunoo wanted nothing more than a hot bowl of tonkotsu ramen right now. So he decided not to pay much attention to Sunghoon.

Tonkotsu- it was another thing that united them. Sunoo had discovered this on their first trip to Japan. He couldn’t believe he and Sunghoon had ordered the same ramen. The Sunoo of then had remarked excitedly how he never expected so many similarities to crop up between him and his “Sunghoonie hyung.” Sunghoon had given a small smile in reply. 

“Hello, Sunoo!” Aoki-san beamed again. 

“Hi Aoki-san!” He greeted back. “How are you doing today?”

“Great! As great as a 70 year old could do, at least.”

Sunoo giggled. “I hope you live long, Aoki-san. And for that, you always need to be great.”

Sunoo caught Sunghoon smiling softly in his peripheral vision. For a reason he couldn’t figure out at that moment, his heart felt lighter at that. 

“How were exams, Sunoo?” Aoki-san asked.

“Not bad. I was more prepared than I thought because I had attended all the classes diligently. All the early mornings paid off,” Sunoo beamed. 

“I’m so glad to know this!” Aoki-san exclaimed.

“Me too,” Sunghoon added. 

The atmosphere in the shop suddenly shifted. Everything became too quiet. 

“Sorry, I…” Sunghoon trailed off. 

“Well, I’m glad my only two midnight customers are becoming friends.”

“No, no, I didn’t mean it that way!” Sunghoon tried to clarify. 

Sunoo frowned. “You mean you don’t want to be friends with me?”

He didn’t even know why he was being so petty. He had told Sunghoon nearly two weeks ago that he did not even want to be friends with him. Sunoo couldn’t decipher his post-finals brain. 

“No! I don’t mean that!” Sunghoon was clearly panicking. But for some reason, Sunoo noticed Aoki-san found this amusing, as she now had a mischievous smile on her face. 

“Then what do you mean, Sunghoon-san?” Sunoo pushed. At this point, he was sure he was just playing. He liked seeing Aoki-san amused. And he missed his ex group mate being flustered. 

“I- I do want to be friends! I’m just not trying to be… pushy about it,” Sunghoon said with a lowered face.

A smile tugged at Sunoo’s lips. He sensed danger. He couldn’t become soft towards Sunghoon so fast. But thankfully, Aoki-san’s boisterous laugh came to his rescue. 

“Sunghoon, my child,” she asked between loud guffaws. “Why do you look like a puppy who’s just been kicked?” 

Sunghoon’s ears were red. Sunoo found the situation oddly comical. 

“I’m just playing with you. Sorry,” Sunoo said in a small voice as he faced his ramen again.

“Don’t apologise. It’s okay,” Sunghoon replied, also refusing to meet eyes with him. 

“You both are slowly becoming my favourite customers now,” Aoki-san said, a wide smile still coloring her wrinkled features.

“Who were your favorite customers before?” Sunoo asked, excitedly looking up at Aoki-san now. His childlike curiosity surprised even him. 

“Before? Hmm,” Aoki-san seemed to think this over. “There were these three friends a few years ago. All of them used to work in the same company. You both know how company life goes. So they used to get off work really late and usually came here for a late night dinner.”

“For how long did they visit the shop?” Sunghoon asked.

“2 years, if I remember correctly. It was an idyllic time for them. All three of them were recent college graduates. Although work was hard, they weren’t being forced to marry. So they enjoyed each other’s company.”

“Why did they… stop?” Sunoo asked, sadness evident in his voice. 

Aoki-san smiled. “Don’t worry, Sunoo. They didn’t stop for any unfortunate reasons. One just went to a different branch of the company. And two of them fell in love, so they left the country to start a family in a place that would support their marriage.”

“Support their marriage…?”

“Oh, my apologies. I forgot to mention. All three of them were girls.”

Oh. 

Sunoo found this extremely relieving. 

“That’s a beautiful ending though,” Sunghoon said. Sunoo could detect a hint of mournfulness in his voice, possibly at how they both themselves had no chance of ever having an ending as peaceful as this one.

“It is. I hope wherever they are right now, life is treating them well,” Aoki-san remarked.

“Me too,” both Sunghoon and Sunoo added. 

Silence fell for some time in the shop then. It was slightly unusual. Even if it was a pattern of only three days now, at least one of them would pick up a topic or talk about something. But now, a peaceful silence felt better to the owner and the two customers. 

It was Sunoo who spoke up first, after 10 minutes or more had passed.

“What name do you go by as a producer… Sunghoon-san?” 

Sunghoon noticed his hesitation before saying “Sunghoon-san”. It was cute. Even if it was just Sunoo using Japanese honorifics to keep his past relationship with Sunghoon a secret from Aoki-san, he found it really cute. 

“Haeul.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Haeul.”

Sunoo stared at him. Sunghoon noticed how the younger man was clearly trying to morph his expressions into something normal, even if he wanted to laugh out loud. 

“What does that even mean? I’ve never heard of it before,” He asked, humour evident on his face now. 

“It’s a combination of mine and my late dog’s name.”

“Ah,” Sunoo’s face immediately lost all the amusement that it had a second ago. “I’m sorry about your dog.”

“The passage of time catches up to everyone. Gaeul lived long and peacefully. That’s what matters to me.”

Sunghoon realised, though, that this was the first time Sunoo had heard of Gaeul passing away. Since it had happened only 6 months ago, Sunghoon had no way of reaching out. It must have been a shock to the younger man too. 

“What… are you studying right now, Sunoo-san?” Sunghoon tried to change the topic to help Sunoo. 

“I’m a Japanese literature major.”

“He’s really good,” Aoki-san added. “Has a lot of knowledge about the nuances and authors of Japanese literature.”

“Who’s your favourite author?” Sunghoon asked. Now that he and Sunoo had finally started interacting a little, he never wanted this to stop. 

“Well, last semester, we discussed Natsuo Kirino’s Out in class. It ended up becoming my favourite novel.”

“Ah, yes, the book that made a man admit to Kirino-san he didn’t even realise middle-aged women had a life before her book,” Aoki-san added. 

“It’s an excellent book, really. Not just because of everything Kirino challenges in Japanese society, but also because of how she writes. It felt like a great change from all the male authors we keep reading.” 

Sunghoon really wanted to read Out now.

“Any other recommendations you have?” Sunghoon asked. 

Sunoo turned towards him, facing him fully for the second time today. Sunghoon’s heart fluttered. 

“You seem very interested in Japanese literature, Sunghoon-san. Any particular reason?” Sunoo’s eyes posed a challenge.

“You make it sound really interesting.” Sunghoon accepted the challenge. 

Sunoo blushed and turned his face back to his ramen. He knew Aoki-san must be looking at both of them with a familiar amused expression. 

“Do you have a paper and pen right now?” Sunoo asked. 

“No. I was thinking you could text me your recommendations. I don’t have a good memory.”

That was bullshit. Sunoo knew Sunghoon’s memory functioned well enough to remember the names of a few books and a few authors. 

But he wasn’t going to back down too. If shy and awkward Sunghoon suddenly wanted to play a game to show off his newfound confidence (read: found just a few seconds ago), Sunoo decided he could play it even better. 

Sunoo fished for his phone. “You can type in your number. I’ll make sure to text the recommendations when I can.” 

Sunghoon was taken aback. “Oh, uh, okay.”

Sunoo’s glance flit towards Aoki-san for a second as Sunghoon typed in his number. He blushed as the older woman sent him a wink. It was clear she knew what was going on here. 

Hadn’t he promised himself to never talk to Park Sunghoon again? Oh well. 

Sunoo just wants to send the recommendations, after all.

Chapter Text

Sunghoon was a patient man. He always thought being an idol would cost him his sanity. But it never really did. This was all attributable to his exceptional patience. He was the paragon of patience when fans had constantly mobbed him and the group at airports. He was the paragon of patience even when the comebacks were too delayed or too close to each other. And he was also the paragon of patience while he held on to his feelings for his group member, all while seeing him date multiple other people.

But right now, patience wasn’t a virtue present in even a single cell of his body.

Park Sunghoon (2:18 A.M.): So, about those recommendations

Park Sunghoon (2:18 A.M.): Which ones do you have in mind? 

But he wasn’t desperate, of course.

Sunoo (2:20 A.M.): You… couldn’t wait till the morning?

Sunghoon almost jumped when he saw the notification bar on top of the app he had opened right now. He immediately switched to his messages app.

Park Sunghoon (2:20 A.M.): Technically, 2:00 A.M. can be counted as morning too

Park Sunghoon (2:20 A.M.): Haha

Sunoo (2:21 A.M.): Not really but okay

Sunoo (2:21 A.M.): Give me a minute

Park Sunghoon (2:21 A.M.): Okay

But 5 minutes had passed. There was still no reply from Sunoo. Has he been forgotten about? Was Sunoo too tired? In fact, why wasn’t Sunoo sleeping right now? Was he oka-

Ping

Sunghoon jumped a little again. He should really change his notification sound.

Sunoo (2:27 A.M.): 1. Out by Natsuo Kirino (the one I recommended at Aoki-san’s)

2. Confessions of a Mask by Yukio Mishima
3. Sanshiro by Natsume Soseki
4. The Makioka Sisters by Junichiro Tanizaki
5. Territory of Light by Yuko Tsushima
6. Any of Ryunosuke Akutagawa’s short stories but Rashomon is his magnum opus
7. Breasts and Eggs by Meiko Kawakami
8. Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto

Park Sunghoon (2:28 A.M.): Wow that’s a… long list. You really thought about it

Sunoo (2:28 A.M.): Of course I did. But these are all just books I liked. There’s no common theme, in case you start looking for it

Park Sunghoon (2:29 A.M.): Thanks a lot. These sound like great recommendations. 

Sunoo (2:29 A.M.): Of course. I’m top of my class for a reason

Sunoo (2:30 A.M.): I’m still curious about why you wanted the recommendations though. 

Sunghoon started typing before he received a message from Sunoo again. 

Sunoo (2:30 A.M.): And don’t tell me it was actually because I “made it sound interesting”

Park Sunghoon (2:30 A.M.): Well it’s true

Sunoo (2:31 A.M.): Sorry but I still don’t buy it

Sunoo (2:31 A.M.): But anyway, I need to sleep

Park Sunghoon (2:31 A.M.): Goodnight. 

Sunghoon did not receive a message back. That was fine. But he was definitely a bit confused now. What was so bad about accepting that maybe Sunoo had actually made Japanese literature sound interesting to him? As he thought this over constantly, sleep overtook him. 

Today, Aoki-san encouraged Sunghoon and Sunoo to try Miso ramen- which happened to be her personal favourite. Both men agreed enthusiastically. Whatever Aoki-san made was always delicious either way. 

As the richness of the ramen burst into their mouths with its classic tangy saltiness, an exceptional calmness fell upon both Sunghoon and Sunoo. They revelled in the new flavor for a few minutes, almost as if they were connected to the ramen in many ways.

“There was a certain year in my life where I used to devour miso ramen whenever I got the chance,” Aoki-san said. Sunghoon was starting to realise he really appreciated her regaling her past with them. He knew Sunoo felt the same.

“It wasn’t a good year. I was 21. I was one of the few female graduates from a top university. But I did not desire a job. For some reason, life did not make sense to me anymore.”

Sunghoon took in Aoki-san’s appearance today, something he had never done carefully before. She was a woman of around 150 cm who seemed to always have a certain bounce to her step. Her eyes often gleamed with amusement and pure happiness while her lips were quirked in a smile more frequently than anyone he had seen. She certainly looked affluent and wealthy, but it wasn’t because of any opulence. And neither was she the type to give off the image of being a chatelaine. It was the way she carried herself, and the way she conversed with them. Her dialect was distinctly Shitamachi, but it was ultimately her extensive vocabulary that gave her the feel of someone who was clearly well read and well educated. 

And yet, Aoki-san’s eyes and mannerisms held a certain kind of affability that generally evaded people of her class. She smiled often, she laughed heartily when there was occasion to do so, and she listened carefully to everything the two much younger men had to say, even as she constantly stayed standing behind the counter while talking to them. It was the warmth and the conviviality of her nature that was so comforting to her two midnight customers. 

Because of this, hearing those words from Aoki-san made no sense to Sunghoon. He could never imagine her as someone who had lost reason and passion in her life too. 

“I didn’t know what I was alive for, what I was possibly aiming for. What was the use? What would I do even if a company accepts me to work for them? What would I do even if I go into a masters’ programme, whether in Japan or abroad? All I did was lounge around the entire day reading more and more books. I couldn’t face reality.”

Aoki-san now smiled at the two clearly confused men in front of her. “You both must be wondering why I’m recounting this. I think it’s mostly because I wanted to make miso ramen today, which just so happens to be intimately connected to me because of this phase in my life. But it might also be because it can be of use to either of you.”

Sunghoon was in awe of the old owner’s observation skills. Had she really noticed something was wrong for both him and Sunoo?

“My doctor later told me I had gone through depression at that time. But I did not know that. All I knew was that I had miso ramen with me. And it was the one thing that kept me alive for some time. So I devoured it, wherever and whenever I got the chance.”

Ah… depression. The one term Sunghoon was now all too familiar with. 

There was no beginning to it. Initially, Sunoo, when he was in the mood to do so, used to joke often about how it was a “beginningless depression”. There was no concrete moment that could really be counted as the start. 

Or at least, that’s what Sunghoon had assumed. 

The other members weren’t entirely sure about the beginningless joke. Sunghoon was aware they seemed to know something he couldn’t catch on to. For some time, he was relieved to know that Sunoo himself couldn’t figure it out. But once he did, Sunghoon was left alone, wondering constantly what exactly was the starting point for Sunoo’s depression. 

Because to him, the assumption that it was just the peaks and troughs of idol life impacting Sunoo made more sense. It wasn’t exactly a secret how much Sunoo had to go through in the idol industry as a slightly unique male idol. He was confident in both his femininity and masculinity, a rare combination even in an industry that did not conform to traditional masculinity often. But the confidence alone couldn’t shield him from unwarranted comments and advances. Men and women both seemed to be extremely eager to make him uncomfortable, all for minute pleasures. 

Sunoo wasn’t brittle. But he was definitely delicate. Sunghoon had always worried that someday, the hate comments and borderline harassment would catch up to his group mate. As six years passed and they entered their seventh year though, he became confident that Sunoo was made of steel. 

That is, until something strange happened. 

Sunoo started losing interest in his dramas.

It was strange, really. The time between Christmas and New Year’s was always Sunoo’s favourite time to binge watch his dramas. And for the six years Sunghoon had known Sunoo, there was not a single day where the younger boy looked annoyed by the thought of watching his dramas. In fact, Sunoo had tried to convince him often to watch them with him (whether he had agreed or not was a different story).

It was Heeseung who noticed it first.

“Sunoo, did you see that new college romance drama that came out recently? What was its name? Uh, Tick Tack Kiss?”

“That’s such a tacky name,” Sunghoon tried to crack a joke. It was met by Heeseung’s slightly disgusted face. 

“I didn’t,” Sunoo replied. The three of them were in Sunghoon’s apartment right now, Sunoo having arrived there an hour ago after complaints of Riki snoring loudly in his afternoon nap, and Heeseung having arrived just minutes ago to raid snacks from Sunghoon’s refrigerator.

“Kim Sunoo, are you kidding me? You haven’t watched a famous romance drama? I thought you would have completed it by now,” Heeseung remarked as he closed the door to Sunghoon’s refrigerator, only 4 Monsters in his arms. Sunghoon worried about his health. 

“I just didn’t feel like it,” Sunoo replied dejectedly. 

Sunghoon saw Heeseung’s eyes narrowing in concern. 

“No problem”, Heeseung finally replied. “If you feel like watching it someday, I’ll watch it with you.”

Sunoo looked up in slight surprise. “Really?” Sunghoon noticed how this wasn’t like his usual expressions of surprise though. It was… faint, almost as if the Sunoo of today was attempting to imitate the Sunoo of the past.

“Really,” Heeseung answered. As he left the apartment, an ugly feeling crawled up in Sunghoon’s chest again. 

After about half an hour of silence between the men now lying on the living room couches, Sunoo finally spoke up. “Sunghoon hyung?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you think that I deserve being loved?”

Time stopped for Sunghoon as he attempted to process this question. Considering the content of the question, the abruptness of it was actually less surprising.

“Yes…?”

“You don’t sound so sure.” 

“The question is just too sudden. I don’t get why you’re asking this.”

They continued looking into each other’s eyes from opposite couches for nearly a minute. 

“Never mind. I guess I’m just losing my mind waiting for the new year to come.”

One year later, Sunghoon regretted giving that answer. 

By January 2027, Sunoo had lost all interest in his dramas. In February, Sunoo started becoming visibly thinner. In March, his complexion became sallow and his eyebags became a constant feature of his appearance. In April, Sunoo broke down at a fansign and was told to go on a break by the company. In May, he had begun therapy, a rare ray of hope shining on the group. By June, Sunghoon realised he missed the younger’s jaunty grins. But almost as if this had been a cursed thought, Sunghoon noticed with horror how Sunoo did not smile at all now. By July, every member was on edge because of Sunoo’s confirmed depression diagnosis. And Sunoo talked even less now. In August, Sunoo ran away for a day, worrying all his loved ones and the company staff deeply. When he returned, there were bruises on his face. By September, Sunoo was a walking zombie as he returned to do his group activities. In October, Riki discovered Sunoo’s uneaten pill box in the trash can, worrying the members deeply about whether his temporary progress actually meant anything. By November, Sunoo and Sunghoon weren’t talking anymore, a result of their last fight with each other. And by December, Sunoo had ceased all idol activities. 

In January 2028, after desultory meetings and negotiations that ultimately amounted to nothing, Sunoo officially decided not to renew his contract. 

Sunghoon was now struck with the realisation that his experience of Sunoo’s depression would have been markedly different from the younger’s own experience. Just like Aoki-san, who had related her experience, Sunoo must have his own narrative too. It was most definitely the narrative that should be accorded utmost significance, Sunghoon realised with a start. 

“How did you come out of it?” Sunoo asked, eyes transfixed on Aoki-san now, in what seemed to Sunghoon partial fear and partial burning curiosity. 

“Oh that was simple. I didn’t.”

“What?” Sunoo blurted out, surprised.

Aoki-san chuckled lightly. “Sorry. What I mean is that I did not deliberately come out of it. I didn’t even know I had depression. You could say the miso ramen helped to some extent. But ultimately what helped was me meeting my husband. Or, at that time, my future husband.”

“Ah.”

“We clicked immediately. He silently stayed by my side when I needed him. He would help me out with the small tasks everyday. For instance, my parents were still not retired by that time. So I used to be alone a lot at home and usually cooked for myself. But he would come and just start cooking for me.”

“He sounds like a great person.”

“Oh he was. He was really a sweetheart. What I’m trying to say here is that love heals. When your loved one supports you, it does not magically relieve you of the horridness of depression. But it does help a lot. And sometimes, that’s exactly what is needed by people who are suffering.”

The shop went silent once Aoki-san uttered her last sentence. The air was heavy. The implication was clear. Sunghoon did not know how Aoki-san figured it out, but he understood now who the statements were actually meant for. 

“Thank you for the meal,” Sunoo said quietly as he stood up to leave. 

Sunghoon noticed his bowl was only half eaten.

For a 27 year old, Sunghoon had lived a relatively regretless life. He knew when it was time to quit figure skating and become an idol, for instance. Although this must have seemed like a career shattering decision to anyone else, Sunghoon showed exceptional bravery as a teenager and chose the path he deemed fit for himself. 

But now, as he sat in the ramen shop, he realised he had one regret- an overarching one in his life now. It haunted both his waking life and his dreams. He wanted nothing more than a peaceful liberation from it. But the means of said liberation evaded him. 

He really, really, wanted Sunoo to forgive him.

Sunghoon knew he had made a terrible mistake. He should have been there for Sunoo, he should have let his pride and fear of revealing his feelings for Sunoo aside, he should have reached out at time. Sunghoon felt this even more deeply now, after he was sure Aoki-san had implicitly asked him to reach out. There was still time. All wasn’t lost. As Aoki-san would say, in fact, all is never lost. You can always salvage a situation. Paralysed only for a few seconds, Sunghoon considered whether his next action would really be doing the right thing. 

An encouraging smile from Aoki-san confirmed he was on the right path.

And so he ran after Sunoo.

Chapter Text

“Sunoo!” He called out to the figure that was just about to take a turn.

The man being called turned around.

Sunghoon seemed to be a man of many epiphanies that night. He realised, with renewed energy this time, that he did not want to let go of the Sunoo who still turned around whenever he was called by him, the Sunoo who still entertained his minor flirtations, the Sunoo who came to the ramen shop every night, despite being acutely hurt by the man who sat beside him. 

“Can we talk?” Sunghoon asked, panting as he reached in front of Sunoo. The distance between the ramen shop and the turn of the street wasn’t much. And yet, Sunghoon felt as if all the breath in his lungs had been brutally displaced. 

Sunoo’s eyes held an indescribable emotion as he took in the appearance of the man standing in front of him. “What about?”

“What happened that time?” 

Sunoo seemed slightly taken aback as he heard this. “What time?”

“2027. Or end of 2026. That’s when it started, right? In my living room that day. You told Heeseung hyung you hadn’t watched that one drama we all expected you to have watched. Why? Why did you never watch it?” 

The words came out like a flood from Sunghoon’s mouth. He had so many questions that his brain could not pace itself well with them. 

Sunoo stood rooted on his spot. The streetlight illuminated his face, which was now marred with a frown. “Why now?” 

“Because someday, I need to make it right. I cannot live with the regret anymore, Sunoo,” Sunghoon answered. He was surprised by how equally pained he sounded. “Please give me answers.”

Time seemed to have stopped at that moment as Sunoo stood frozen. Sunghoon desperately wanted to know what was going on in the younger’s mind. But he realised he could not afford that privilege right now. 

“Walk with me,” Sunoo finally relented. His voice was so faint that Sunghoon would have missed it, had it not been for how on edge all of his senses were at the moment. 

The streets were silent as Sunghoon and Sunoo walked side-by-side, save for their footsteps in the snow. Sunghoon realised Sunoo walked in a delicate way, almost as if he were afraid to even accidentally crush a life form underneath his feet. 

“Do you like the snow today, Sunghoon hyung?” Sunoo asked. 

Sunghoon did not understand the question. “I generally like snow so yeah, I guess.”

“Reminds you a bit of spring snow, doesn’t it? With how fast it’s melting and the appearance?”

Sunghoon was in awe. He hadn’t really noticed it himself. But it made sense. The snowfall itself had taken place about 3 days before. 

“It does,” he replied. 

“Spring Snow is also the title of a book by Yukio Mishima. Even if you don’t study Japanese literature as an academic necessity, you would know who Mishima is.”

“He was a nationalist who committed ritual suicide on national televion, if I’m correct?”

“Of course. But that’s something that annoys me a lot. Most people who don’t read Mishima’s books know him only for that. Or for the fact that he was a huge supporter of the emperor. Or that alt right boys today adopt him as a symbol to emulate when in reality he was absolutely nothing like them. They don’t know what he actually wrote .” 

Sunghoon accepted the charge levelled against him. He, indeed, did not know much about Mishima’s writings.

“‘Spring Snow’ was the first book in The Sea of Fertility tetralogy. Mishima committed suicide after writing the fourth book.” 

“Oh.”

“Spring Snow is a beautiful book. It’s really a delight to read. I was obsessively marking every line, even if reading the book was exceptionally difficult and Mishima being a nationalist produces a sour taste in my mouth. There was one line, though, that immediately caught my attention. Kiyoaki, the main character, was walking with his father to the gate of their estate. His father was about to visit a mistress, which was of course a great source of annoyance for the teenage boy. The line went- ‘As they walked through the bleak, wintry night, his father was anticipating the moist warmth and intimacy of the rosy flesh that awaited him, while his son’s thoughts turned toward death.’”

“You have it memorised?” Sunghoon asked, amazed. 

“I told you. I’m top of my class for a reason,” Sunoo gave a small smile. “Anyway, saying this line out loud doesn’t give much of an impression without actually reading the book. Why was Kiyoaki thinking of death? Because the tree branches he was seeing while walking were similar to the one he had seen in the photograph of his grandfather’s memorial service. It’s a small thing, really. But to me, the line has immense significance in the context of the character of Kiyoaki. Can you guess why?”

“You can relate to him?” Sunghoon did not know how this idea came to him. Maybe he really did observe Sunoo more than he had thought. 

Sunoo turned his head in pleasant surprise toward him. “That was fast.”

“Yeah but I still don’t know what exactly it is about Kiyoaki that you can relate to.”

“Well, he was different, markedly different from his family. His family was an old samurai family. But, his elegance was the ‘thorn’ in his family. He was sensitive and very prone to resting well in his anxieties. In other words, his sensitivity made him different from everyone around him. Sounds a lot like someone you know, doesn’t it?” 

Sunghoon looked carefully at Sunoo now. His overcoat was snug around him, small tufts of hair escaped from his beanie, his eyes were fixated on his boots and the ground and his cheeks were reddened from the cold. He imagined the man he was looking at right now as the boy he had met on a K-Pop survival show. Initially, for about a few seconds, it seemed impossible to reconcile the two images. But as Sunghoon kept observing, he realised that the Sunoo of now, even with his heightened literary sensibilities and hardened by experiences of depression, was still the same person he knew.

Suddenly, he wished he could see Sunoo smile. 

“Was it… really just you being more sensitive than people around you that started it?” 

Sunoo gave a wry smile. “Of course not. The K-Pop industry would have been my death if this was the case.”

They walked silently for a minute before Sunoo spoke again. 

“It was actually the breakup that really pushed me past the precipice.”

Sunghoon stopped in his tracks, shocked at the sudden revelation. 

The breakup. How had he never even considered that?

June 2026

“We need to talk,” Jay said as soon as Sunghoon opened his apartment door.

“About?” Sunghoon asked as Jay walked in and went to sit on his couch.

“Sunoo’s new boyfriend.”

Sunghoon pursed his lips. “Not interested.”

“This is important, Hoon,” Jay pushed assertively. 

Sunghoon cocked an eyebrow. “What happened to Soobin hyung?”

“Where did Soobin hyung come from?” Jay asked, looking genuinely confused. 

Sunghoon clicked his tongue. “Weren’t Sunoo and Soobin hyung dating?” 

Jay’s mouth dropped open for a few seconds before he composed himself again. “You really don’t pay any attention to Sunoo, do you? And I thought he was overreacting.” 

“I just don’t like paying attention to his dating life.”

“Sure. Let’s go with that narrative and see where that lands you both.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” An exasperated Sunghoon asked. 

“Nothing. Anyway, Soobin hyung and Sunoo were not dating. What we thought was a date was actually just a discussion of that duet EP they released together. They were asked to keep it a secret so Sunoo couldn’t say anything.” 

“What about Soobin hyung taking him out to dinner and then flirtatiously sending him a message saying he’ll wear his best clothes for him?” 

It was Jay’s turn to raise his eyebrows now. “Soobin hyung talks like this with all his juniors. He literally talks this way with you.”

Sunghoon had to admit Jay was right. 

“Can you please spare me your precious time now so I can discuss Sunoo’s new boyfriend with you? We’re all worried.”

“We? The group?”

“Yes.”

Sunghoon suddenly felt suffocated. Why did everyone else already talk about it but he was the last one to know?

“Look,” Jay started, “I know you’re not as close to Sunoo as the rest of us are, no matter what you guys show on camera. But this is something that requires the entire group to be on one page.”

Sunghoon flinched. He definitely felt close to Sunoo. Did he not show it enough? Was it his usual awkwardness again?

“Go ahead,” he replied instead. The discussion about his proximity to Sunoo could be done later. 

“Right. So this new boyfriend of Sunoo is someone who was like, an obsessive fan of him.”

“Sounds like a red flag,” Sunghoon said. He would never admit everyone Sunoo dated seemed like a red flag to him anyway, albeit for selfish reasons. 

“That’s literally what I said. But Sunoo is head over heels for him. And he’s refusing to listen to any of us. That guy is seriously weird, Hoon.”

“How weird?”

“He kept making strange jokes about Sunoo and his body when we first met him. Sunoo just kept laughing as if it meant nothing but all of us were uncomfortable with how he seemed to be sexualising him.”

Alarm bells now rang in Sunghoon’s head too. 

“And that was just the start. Riki says that he holds Sunoo too tightly at times. Being possessive is one thing but this guy takes it on an entirely new level. And Sunoo almost always seems to be at his beck-and-call. When he comes back from that guy’s apartment, he always looks completely exhausted.”

“He goes to his apartment?”

“Regularly. And then there’s the…”

Sunghoon knew what Jay was implying. He was even more horrified now. “Does he hurt Sunoo?” He asked, struggling to not show the anger in his voice.

“We have no direct evidence of that but Sunoo definitely walks very weirdly sometimes after coming from his apartment. It seems like… they’re going too rough. And I’m not sure if someone as delicate as Sunoo is able to handle that.”

Sunghoon saw red. 

“And none of you mentioned this to me until now?” He stood up from his couch, absolutely enraged.

“It’s only been a month and Sunoo seems to like that guy a lot,” Jay reasoned. “We cannot take away his autonomy. He’s still an adult. And he handles himself much better than most of us a lot of times. We don’t even know with what authority we can actually ask him to stop dating that guy.”

“But you have to.”

“Sunghoon-”

“You’re all so fucking irresponsible.”

At this point, Sunghoon assessed the anger that now flashed through Jay’s eyes too. He knew this conversation was leading nowhere. But he couldn’t shake the worry out of his mind, which caused him to stand his ground.

“Irresponsible? We’re not his parents! We’re concerned friends and the most we can do is warn him about that guy.”

“Well you should have-”

“And you know what, Sunghoon?” Jay stood up and started to move towards his apartment entrance now. “You don’t get to blame us. If you could just stop being an ass to Sunoo, maybe he wouldn’t be going out of his way to-.”

Sunghoon had no idea where this was leading. “To?” 

“Nothing. Forget it. Goodbye,” Jay said as he slammed the door behind him, leaving Sunghoon confused about what he meant.

Initially, Sunghoon’s heart suffered more after noticing how cheerful Sunoo looked. But the members were relentless. After Jay, Heeseung, Jungwon, Jake and finally, even Riki came to discuss the topic with him. But Sunghoon shut almost all of them down. And so the relationship continued, with all of its opponents crushed. 

The breakup announcement came suddenly. It was November 23. Sunoo stood outside his apartment at 11:13 P.M., drenched in the rain, his face unresponsive and devoid of any emotion. 

“Sorry, I… didn’t mean to come here. But Riki was sleeping. Can I come in?”

“Uh, sure.” Sunghoon had questions. But he wasn’t sure how to pose them. 

“Can I wear some of your clothes for the night?”

“Sure. Do you want something hot? It’s really cold outside.” 

“No. I’m just gonna take a shower and sleep.”

The next morning, Sunoo was running a high fever. He refused to eat much, thereby worsening his situation. Sunghoon was worried. But he wasn’t sure what he could do as Sunoo’s body refused healing even by medicines. By 11 A.M, he had phoned their manager and informed the rest of the members of Sunoo’s condition. The manager immediately assessed the situation as a grave one and Sunoo was rushed to the hospital. 

After being discharged 3 days later, Sunghoon did not see much of Sunoo. He never asked what had happened that night. But he eventually got the news from Jungwon. 

“I should have asked him,” Sunghoon said, guilt taking over his heart now. 

“Don’t worry. It’s not your fault. I don’t think he would have told you anyway,” Jungwon’s voice on the phone sounded distant to Sunghoon. All he could think about right now was a lifeless and drenched Sunoo showing up at his doorstep. 

“Why not…?” 

“Just…”

“Jungwon?”

“Nothing, hyung. But yeah it’s not your fault. It was Sunoo hyung’s decision to not tell you what was wrong. I don’t blame him. But I also don’t think it’s okay for you to feel guilty for not being able to provide him the right support at that time.”

Sunghoon wished he had just asked Sunoo that day what was wrong. Would he have fixed things then? 

“It was… bad. The entire relationship was,” Sunoo continued. He suddenly registered the absence of footsteps beside him and turned around. “Hyung?”

“Sorry, uh,” Sunghoon said as he came out of his reverie. “I did not know the breakup impacted you that much.”

Sunoo gave a small smile to him. Sunghoon tilted his head in confusion. 

“Are you just oblivious to everything around you or was I special in the lack of attention I received from you?” 

“What? No, I- That’s not true.”

“What’s not true?”

“That I gave you less attention.”

“You did though.”

Sunoo was still smiling, almost as if he was remembering a humorous joke. But his eyes were devoid of any jocularity. 

“When I asked you to watch some dramas with me, you refused. But when Heeseung hyung developed his strange addiction to dramas, you immediately jumped to be his drama watching buddy. When I asked you to teach me how to play FIFA Online, you told me you were busy practicing for the comeback, even though I was too. When I asked you whether you’d be interested in reading the small poems I had started writing, you said you weren’t a person who was capable of appreciating literature and poetry much.”

“That part was true though.”

“Why do you think I asked you what the actual reason for your interest in Japanese literature was?” 

Oh. 

“I thought it was for a girl you like right now.”

“What?” Sunghoon said with an incredulity he did not know he possessed. “I don’t like any girl right now.”

“Oh.” An emotion flashed for a second in Sunoo’s eyes. Sunghoon wondered whether he had hallucinated it. Because it oddly looked like… relief. 

“I genuinely got interested in it because of how you talked about it,” Sunghoon emphasised. 

Sunoo smiled again. But this time, the pain seemed less. 

“And I’m… sorry. For not giving you much attention before,” He added.

“That’s okay. The past is the past. I forgive you.”

Sunghoon felt uneasy- 7 years of not giving enough attention to the younger man off-camera. But Sunoo still forgave him. It made him feel even more guilty. 

“Anyway, the breakup started it. But the relationship before it worsened the impact infinitely more.”

“Was it really as toxic as we all believed?” Sunghoon asked carefully. Both men had started walking again. 

“It was worse.”

Sunghoon’s heart clenched in guilt. 

“Way way worse. And I didn’t even realise it initially. But he was… selfish, possessive, scary, uncaring and ultimately never cared about me. All he wanted was bragging rights. But he ruined me in the process of getting it.

He used to scream at me if I made the smallest mistake. He made fun of my body and features when he wanted to, but then went ahead just hours later to sexualise them. He told me I was a slut for how I talked to you all, because he assumed all my interactions with you all were flirting. He hated me doing fanservice, even though I had to explain a lot of times that it was just my job. He treated me awfully in bed, chasing only after his pleasure and forgetting that I was even a part of it, never once asking me what my own preferences were. He called me a weakling, a brittle soul. And he…”

Sunghoon felt tears well up in his eyes as heard all of this.

“He told me I didn’t deserve to be loved. That it was all just a game to him. That he had exhausted all the fun now. That I was annoying, boring, and I overreacted at everything. After breaking me down constantly for those 5 months, he broke up with me.”

“You should have told me that night,” Sunghoon said in a small voice, tears now falling down his cheeks. “That he broke up with you. I could have helped.”

“How?”

“I could have comforted you, talked to you-”

“Sunghoon hyung.” This time, it was Sunoo who stopped in his tracks. His eyes held anger that was almost about to extinguish, anger that was about to be replaced with sheer exhaustion. “I don’t think you ever conveyed well that you wanted to comfort me in any situation.”

Sunghoon’s world stopped again, for what seemed like the hundredth time that night. The air was too chilly, his tears being the only source of warmth on his body. 

“I didn't… mean to. You matter a lot to me, Sunoo. You always have. But I was never good at conveying my emotions. And I’m really, really, sorry about that.”

Tears of pearl seemed to drop from Sunoo’s eyes as he heard this. To Sunghoon, they were more precious than even the costliest diamonds- all because Sunoo was at least showing his emotions to him now. 

“I’m sorry too,” he said, voice small but filled with overwhelming rawness.

“For what?” 

“For never conveying well what I needed from you. I was just afraid you had never actually liked me.”

“Of course I did, Sunoo. I loved your laughs, I loved those little giggles you let out whenever one of us made a stupid joke, I loved how your eyes always shined when fans praised you, I loved how careful you were when helping someone out. I loved everything about you. I’m sorry I gave the wrong impression for so long.”

Every part of Sunghoon cheered for his brain’s ability to finally form the words he had wanted to say for so long.

Sunoo was sobbing now, his body trembling slightly, head lowered and hands clutching by his sides. Sunghoon, before he could even process what his body was doing, immediately put his arms around the younger man. The hug seemed to soothe Sunoo more, something Sunghoon realised from how the younger man relaxed and let more of his sobs out. He must have waited long for someone to hug him, for someone who would allow him to just let it all out.

Sunghoon did not know how long he stood holding Sunoo that chilly night. He couldn't care less about measuring time then. If time was a ceaseless flow, Sunghoon did not care even if it washed him and Sunoo away. He could stand there for centuries if it meant he could comfort the younger man.

Sunoo pulled away after some time (much to Sunghoon’s chagrin). “Thank you,” he said in a small voice.

“Hugging you was the least I could do, after all the pain I gave you.”

“It wasn’t entirely your fault, hyung. I was also-”

“Sunoo”, Sunghoon gave him a smile, full of warmth and love. He wished he could convey all his emotions with just this smile alone. “I’m just glad you’re here, in front of me. I’m glad I’ve found you again. And I’m glad you’re generous enough to forgive me for my mistakes. That’s all that matters to me.”

Sunoo smiled back, creating what had been only a rare moment for the two men. 

They started their walk again now. 

“All this crying has made me really sleepy,” Sunoo stated. “My apartment is nearby. But where is yours?”

“Oh, uh.” Well, Sunghoon hadn’t thought about this exactly. He looked around, taking in the area they were in. “Pretty sure it’s some distance away on the other side.”

“Sunghoon hyung! Why did you walk with me till here then?”

Sunghoon let out a small chuckle. “You literally asked me to walk with you.”

“You could have told me your apartment was on the other side!” But even as Sunoo scolded him, there was a smile illuminating his features.

“Don’t worry. I’m still your hyung. I can manage my way home.”

Sunoo pouted. Sunghoon felt a blush creeping up his neck at the younger’s expression. “It’s funny how you always say that when you’re only 7 months older than me.”

“Still older. And 7 months can be rounded off to a year.”

“That’s awful logic.”

Both men laughed. 

“Let me walk with you till you reach your street, at least,” Sunghoon offered sheepishly. 

“Fine,” Sunoo answered. Again, maybe Sunghoon was just hallucinating. But did he see Sunoo… blushing? No. He had to be wrong.

After walking in silence for a minute, Sunghoon raised the original topic up again. 

“Was the breakup the only reason?”

“Nope.” With how fast he replied, Sunoo had probably been anticipating the question. “Of course not. It- and the relationship- were the major reasons that triggered it. But it was already in the making, given how depressing idol life is. I had already started questioning a lot by the end of 2025. But like Aoki-san said, I did not realise that was a part of depression too, even if it was short lived. Just like the miso ramen, I relied on music, performing, poetry and literature to get me out of it. I didn’t assume it would happen again. But the breakup triggered it. After that it was all downhill.”

Sunghoon did not have a reply this time. He tried conjuring up memories of 2025 Sunoo. But nothing seemed to correlate to what he had just heard. 

“Well, this is my stop. You should go now, hyung. It’s getting very late.”

But Sunghoon was deep in thought.

“You deserve to be loved by everyone, Sunoo.”

Sunoo was taken aback. “Hyung?” 

“That time, in my living room, when you asked me that question? This is the answer I wanted to give. You deserve to be loved deeply by everyone around you.”

A wide-eyed Sunoo took in what Sunghoon had said. His lips parted in surprise. He blinked rapidly before he schooled his expression into one that showed only slight surprise. 

Sunghoon wished he could kiss him.

“Thank you,” Sunoo finally replied. “I- I need to go sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Sunghoon did not understand why Sunoo looked nervous and unsettled right now. But he decided to give him some rest instead. 

“Sure. Goodnight, Sunoo.”

“Goodnight, hyung.”

Sunghoon turned around, relief flooding his entire body.

“Sunghoon Hyung?”

Sunghoon almost tripped on his feet with how fast his body turned back to the younger’s voice. “Yeah?”

“Reach home safely,” Sunoo said with a shy smile.

Sunghoon’s heart was in trouble.

Chapter Text

Sunoo (10:40 P.M.): 1 attachment

Sunoo (10:40 P.M.): This is your song, right?

Sunghoon jumped again. The notification ping was really inconvenient. But he just never got the opportunity to change the special one he had set for Sunoo.

Sunghoon checked the screenshot that Sunoo had sent. It was a song on Spotify- named “Door to Heaven”- with a minimalist album cover.

Park Sunghoon (10:41 P.M.): I mean I can’t really say it’s mine. But yeah I produced it.

Sunoo (10:41 P.M): 1 attachment

Sunoo (10:41 P.M.): And this too?

This time, it was a song named “Afternoon Moon”.

Park Sunghoon (10:42 P.M.): That’s me too, yeah. But for this one, I wrote the lyrics

Sunoo (10:42 P.M.): Wow.

Sunoo (10:42 P.M.): You’re really talented

Park Sunghoon (10:43 P.M.): Why? Because I’m both a producer and a lyricist?

Sunoo (10:43 P.M.): Yeah. And all your songs are good

Park Sunghoon (10:43 P.M.): Music taste is subjective though. I’m sure some people don’t like my music

Sunoo (10:43 P.M.): Well, then they don’t have taste. I don’t care about the subjective music taste thing

Sunghoon smiled.

Park Sunghoon (10:44 P.M.): Funny you say that. You used to be an artist yourself.

Sunoo (10:44 P.M.): So? That doesn’t prevent me from having good music taste.

Sunghoon realised with horror he had just let out a giggle.

Park Sunghoon (10:44 P.M.): Okay you win. Happy?

Sunoo (10:44 P.M.): I’m always right ;) 

Sunghoon now found himself blushing at the wink emoji. 

Park Sunghoon (10:47 P.M.): Coming to Aoki-san’s today?

Sunoo (10:47 P.M.): Of course. She’s precious to me.

Park Sunghoon (10:47 P.M.): Me too :) 

Sunghoon did not receive a message back. But he was okay with that. He could sense things had shifted between him and Sunoo. Even if it was a small difference, it was all that mattered to him. 

“Oh? My two favourite customers entered the shop together today?” Aoki-san remarked as she looked at Sunghoon and Sunoo entering at the same time. 

“We met outside,” Sunoo replied, a small smile on his face. And… a slight blush? No. Sunghoon must be hallucinating again. 

“I’m glad you two are getting along. More business for me,” Aoki-san gave a spirited chuckle.

“That is definitely not the only reason you enjoy our company so much, Aoki-san,” Sunghoon mentioned, a grin adorning his face. 

In the past two years, lightness had not once been a part of Sunghoon’s life. His daily life had been encumbered by guilt and regret. But that day, in Aoki-san’s small ramen shop, he finally experienced a weightlessness his soul had long awaited. 

“That’s true,” Aoki-san said. “You both are special customers to me.”

“Is it because we are your only two midnight customers?” Sunoo questioned. Although no one else could have figured it out, Sunghoon could see that Sunoo's tone wasn’t exactly playful. His eyes looked curious, but there was not the usual jest in them now.

“Maybe,” Aoki-san answered as she set the ramen bowls in front of them.

Sunghoon saw Sunoo’s eyes narrow for a second. 

“How come you don’t get more business though, Aoki-san?” It was Sunghoon’s turn to ask questions now, although he had a much less suspicious tone. “Your ramen is delicious. I’ve never tasted something like this before.”

“Well, the area is significantly small, isn’t it? People in this town mostly wake up early and sleep early. So nobody is much interested in midnight ramen.”

Sunghoon knew Sunoo must be wondering why she had opened her business for midnight then. He knew himself how a lot of things simply did not make sense about Aoki-san. While he had made his peace with it, Sunoo was far more inquisitive to do so. 

“I didn’t really think about opening this shop till midnight, you know,” Aoki-san continued after a brief pause, almost as if she had heard Sunoo’s soon incoming question. “But my younger son used to love eating ramen at midnight for some reason. I assumed I could get more youngsters like him in this shop.”

“Youngsters…?” Sunghoon heard Sunoo ask. “Forgive me for the crass question but Aoki-san’s son must be pretty old right now, though?”

Aoki-san laughed. “Don’t worry, Sunoo. It’s not a crass question at all. Both my sons would have been in their 40s today if they had survived for so long.”

“Oh. I’m sorry,” Sunoo immediately apologised.

“Both of your sons passed away young?” Throughout the course of the past two months, Sunghoon had unknowingly grown attached to the older woman. But he only realised this fact at this moment, as a strange sadness spread through him while he asked this question.

Aoki-san’s face was slightly pensive as she confirmed so. “The older one you already know about. The younger one and my husband passed away in an accident when I was 55.” 

15 years ago. 

15 years ago, Sunghoon was being rushed to his figure skating lessons by his mother, as he struggled to juggle his schoolwork, the sport and the barbarism of puberty. 15 years ago, Aoki-san had lost her entire family. 

Today, they sat in the same room, a silence descending over them.

For Sunghoon, the savior had been his ultimate decision to pursue something that he realised he would truly love to do. For Aoki-san, had it been opening a ramen shop, helping others deal with their lives and circumstances?

Then again, Sunghoon’s savior had not prevented him from falling into a state of dejection, desperately missing the man he had loved from afar for so long. Has Aoki-san been saved completely by her savior? Or had she too, like Sunghoon, abandoned her savior at some point?

Torrential rains were now a common feature of late June. Sunghoon, preoccupied with the script in front of him though, did not register the rain that had started pouring some time back outside the set. 

Sunghoon now stood at the door of the set, eyeing the rain with a blank expression. 

“Let me guess. You don’t have an umbrella,” Wonyoung commented as she stood beside him now, arms crossed and lips upturned with humor painted on her face.

“You seem to find that fact funny,” Sunghoon relaxed. It was easy to do so around a good friend of many years.

“Because it is. The rain was predicted literally everywhere today.”

“So I’m assuming you have an umbrella?”

Wonyoung narrowed her eyes, mirth still present in them. “I have one. And I get sick easily.”

Sunghoon pouted. Wonyoung stuck out her tongue a little, the action usually uncharacteristic of her unless she was around someone she was comfortable with. 

“We always have spare umbrellas. Don’t worry,” She revealed after a few seconds of silence. “But I need you to answer a question first before I ask my manager to lend you one.”

“Okay…” Sunghoon was admittedly a bit nervous. The younger woman had a tendency to ask scary questions, questions that Sunghoon did not always want to think about. Almost like a certain someone...

“It’s about Sunoo sunbae.” Sunghoon noticed how Wonyoung still refused to use the “oppa” honorific for Sunoo, despite him clarifying he didn’t mind it. But either way, Wonyoung had her rules. And Sunghoon did not mind them.

Sunghoon shifted around slightly, the movement almost unnoticeable. “Okay.”

“Why didn’t you consider moving to Japan if you miss him so much?” 

There it was. The straightforwardness of the question wasn’t surprising, considering the inquirer. Yet, Sunghoon did not wish to answer the question. 

“I don’t get where this is coming from,” he replied honestly.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed but you zone out a lot, oppa. Shoots aren’t very easy with you these days.”

Sunghoon had always asked Wonyoung to be as straightforward with him as she could be. It was one way of ensuring honesty between the two friends. But he couldn’t help the hurt he felt at her statement, knowing very well it was true but concerned about how visible it was.

“I think the only reason I don’t mind it much is because I’m your friend and I know something is wrong. But I don’t think the production team takes to it as well as I do,” Wonyoung completed. Sunghoon flinched a little.

“And you think it’s because of Sunoo?”

Wonyoung remained silent for the next few seconds. 

“I know it’s because of him.”

“I don’t…”, Sunghoon took a deep breath. “I don’t know what I will do even if I follow him and move to Japan. My job has always been here, in Korea.”

“Producers and lyricists do not necessarily have to work from the same country, you know.”

Sunghoon turned towards Wonyoung, eyebrows furrowed in a questioning way.

Wonyoung smiled. “You make good music. I’ve heard what you created for that rookie group from your company for their first comeback. There was a reason people loved it so much. And you’re one of the very few people in this industry who has experience being an idol and a performer, writing lyrics and producing music. You would be in high demand no matter where you move.”

“You really think I can…?” Sunghoon’s question hung in the air precariously. He knew Wonyoung had noticed the shift in the air, even if not very perceptible to a third party.

Wonyoung turned to face him now, smiling widely and reassuringly. Sunghoon noticed how she was almost the same height as him. A certain warmth filled him, comforted by how similar they were. Maybe it was for this reason they always looked out for each other in this harsh industry. 

“Think? I know you can do it.”

“I’m really sorry to know that,” Sunghoon gave his condolences to the older woman.

She shook her head slightly. “It’s okay. I cannot say I’ve gotten over the grief. But that’s the thing, isn’t it? You don’t ever get over grief. It stays as a part of you forever. The pain just becomes less and less everyday.”

“Does this apply to grief at losing a part of your life too?” Sunoo asked suddenly, his eyes downcast. Sunghoon waited with a bated breath for the answer. 

“Of course,” Aoki-san gave a smile again- a warm one, but one laced with hints of scattered melancholy. “Grief is not just at the loss of a loved one. It could be because of the loss of a possible good time of your life. Or because of the joy diseases take away from you. Or because of a heartbreak. Or it could even be at never being able to truly live as yourself in this world. Grief could be because of a lot of things, children. 

But grief is not something you face alone. There are people around you, at every moment and every day. You are never alone in dealing with grief. And eventually, grief becomes a friend too- a friend who cries sometimes, and all you can do is console it.”

“You think very positively, Aoki-san,” Sunghoon remarked with a small voice.

“It’s not that I consciously do so. At my age though, I’ve realised life is really beautiful. We talk too frequently of how life is suffering. But I believe it’s a mixture of both suffering and joy. That creates larger periods of contentment too- which eases over grief, loss, and general sadness a lot more than we think it does.”

Sunghoon seemed to think this over. At his age, it wasn’t often that he heard this. There was a chorus of voices around him who frequently bemoaned existence as a whole. He himself had grown up in a generation that was marked by peculiar pessimism. For these many reasons, Aoki-san’s optimism struck him as refreshingly new. It was unique and seemed well thought over, considering particularly how she herself had experienced immense misery. 

Sunoo also seemed deep in thought. Sunghoon realised that perhaps, out of the two of them, it was Sunoo who needed to know this more.

“Thank you,” Sunoo finally said after a few minutes. “I think I needed to hear that.”

Sunghoon was slightly shocked at Sunoo’s honest admission. And yet, he couldn’t help but smile.

The conversation soon moved on to trivial topics- related to Sunghoon’s new music, Sunoo’s university and Aoki-san’s past experiences with handling it herself.

“The advice I’m giving you is the same advice I gave to my older son when he was in university,” Aoki-san mentioned at one point.

Sunoo stopped, carefully thinking over something. “What happened to your older son…? I don’t think you mentioned him in the accident.”

Sunghoon remembered how Sunoo had not been there when he had been intimated with details about Aoki-san’s older son’s loss.

“He had a heart issue,” Aoki-san replied as she picked up the now empty bowls in front of the two men and deposited it in a sink behind another noren. “Sunghoon knows about him. Maybe you can ask for more details from him, now that you’ve both cozied up a lot.”

Sunoo blushed. “I wouldn’t say a lot .” 

Aoki-san smiled teasingly. “Sure.”

As Sunghoon and Sunoo walked back in silence now, the topic of Aoki-san’s older son hung in the air. Sunghoon wasn’t sure how to approach it. Sunoo wasn’t sure how to ask about it.

“I never asked you why you left Korea,” Sunoo chose to go along with this question instead.

The snow had melted now. A snowless week in early February wasn’t so uncommon. But Sunghoon still wondered what it was about melted snow that elicited a certain kind of excitement in people. Was it the expectation of spring? 

Then again, the snow itself was beautiful. It, too, carried the ability to awe humanity. Aoki-san was right, after all. Life consisted of both happiness and sadness, interspersed by a great many moments of contentment. If it hadn’t been that way, people wouldn’t be excited for every season. Sunghoon smiled to himself as he thought of it.

“There wasn’t really a grand reason. It was just a culmination of a variety of reasons. I was tired of celebrity life. I wanted to stop running after constant achievements and validation. I discovered I was good at producing and lyric-writing both. And I needed a change of environment. Korea felt too suffocating at that moment. So I left.”

“But why Japan?”

Sunghoon paused and pursed his lips. Sunoo, too, stopped beside him and now looked at him carefully.

“You know the answer,” the older man replied.

Sunoo started walking again. Sunghoon followed. 

“Why would you want to follow me though?” He asked after a few minutes.

This, Sunghoon realised, was a good question that made even him think. He hadn’t wished to see Sunoo, per se. He was, in fact, afraid of it more than anything. But he wanted to be closer to Sunoo, even if it meant constantly ruminating over his guilt. Was it all because of love? He wasn’t sure yet. Maybe he felt a pull, a desire to fix things, even if there was no guarantee to do so.

“You’re comforting,” Sunghoon replied. “You have a presence that makes people feel at ease a lot. Whenever I was around you, I used to feel lighter, as if I didn’t have to constantly confront whether I was enough or whether I deserved to be where I am.”

Sunoo stopped again and looked at Sunghoon with his mouth ajar. 

“I could have never guessed I was comforting to you.”

“Sorry. I’m not… very good at conveying my feelings, to be honest. And with you, I’m aware I didn’t even try. I’m really sorry about that.”

Their eyes met properly now. Sunoo’s held an expression of confusion that was soon starting to be replaced with warmth. Sunghoon’s, meanwhile, held unwavering love. If not through his words, he wanted to convey through his eyes how much he loved Sunoo. 

The object of his affection, unfortunately, was too tired to notice that right now.

“It’s okay. We all have our flaws. You’re clearly working on yours right now. So you don’t have to apologise too often to me.”

Sunghoon smiled.

“I know you were always trying your best,” Sunoo added as an afterthought.

Sunghoon was admittedly surprised at Sunoo saying this. But he chose not to show it, wanting to freeze this moment of warmth between them.

But he knew they had something important to talk about.

“You don’t want to ask about Aoki-san’s older son?” Sunghoon inquired.

“I wanted to. But I wasn’t sure how to bring it up. It seems like a sensitive topic.”

“It is. Which is why Aoki-san asked me to tell you about it. I think she knew it would get too heavy if she did.”

“Hmm. What happened to her older son, then?”

Sunghoon took a deep breath, slightly pained himself to discuss this topic. “He died because of a heart disease at the age of 24. But the death was more painful because of other reasons.”

“Other reasons?”

Sunghoon cast his gaze down at his shoes as he and Sunoo walked side-by-side at a languid pace now.

“He was gay. And he had apparently left many letters for his family, friends and boyfriend. He expressed a lot of contradictory feelings in all those letters. Some of it was guilt at being gay. Some were celebrations of himself, but marred by how he was hiding himself. Some were apologies for doing so. It was clear he was in a lot of anguish. And Aoki-san wished she and her husband could have shown him earlier they had no problem with a gay son.”

Sunoo was quiet as Sunghoon relayed this to him. He quietly took in the details, jumbling them to make sense of all of them before it finally settled. Neither of the two men spared even a glance at each other right now.

“She seems to have a lot of guilt over this, considering how all of her customers that we know of happen to be people attracted to the same gender.” 

Sunghoon liked to believe he was observant and a good listener. He definitely was. But at this moment, he realised Sunoo excelled in this way more than any normal person.

“Oh. I never even realised this,” Sunghoon said slowly. It was true. Any and all customers Aoki-san had mentioned till now as her midnight ones had one similarity. 

“Maybe she wanted to fix things in a roundabout way. So the only customers she conversed with for longer times were customers who reminded her of her son.”

“Could be. But it’s still a bit… suspicious,” Sunoo reasoned.

Sunghoon gave his walking partner a comical glance. “You’re thinking about this too much.”

“Hmm. Maybe I am. I’m glad she’s helped us but…” 

“You’re curious, aren’t you?”

Sunoo tilted his head slightly towards Sunghoon, a jocular smile lighting up his pale skin. “Is it just me or are you starting to know me really well now?”

Sunghoon stopped in front of Sunoo’s street now and faced him fully. “I’ve always known you well.”

This time, Sunghoon knew he wasn’t hallucinating when he saw Sunoo blush. As for Sunoo, he didn’t hide it himself, even complimenting it with a smile.

“Careful. With how you talk about me now, I’m starting to think you’re in love with me.”

For Sunoo, Sunghoon knew this was a joke. He was aware (even if vaguely) of Sunoo’s conviction that he was straight. But for Sunghoon…

“And if I am?” 

Sunoo grinned even wider now.

“Then… good luck, I guess.”

Chapter Text

Aoki Hikari laid her head down on the dining table, carefully observing her husband, Aoki Hirohito, cook a mouth-watering dish for her. His broad shoulders obscured her view of the gas stove but as he hummed, she realised he seemed to be sautéing vegetables on the pan. 

“Hirooo,” She called out, slight impatience in her voice. “When will food be ready?”

“Is my Hikari hungry?” Hirohito answered. Hikari could imagine the wide grin on his face. 

She pouted and nodded slowly as she sat up straight on the chair now. “Very.”

Hirohito let out a boisterous laugh. “I can just imagine you pouting.”

Hikari pouted more. 

“Don’t worry, darling. Just 10 minutes more.”

“Hiro,” Hikari called out again. This time, her husband faced his body towards her, the vegetables slowly working their own magic now. 

“Yes darling?”

“Do you think I’d make a good mother? The only thing I know how to make well is ramen. And you’ve been cooking for me since… that time.”

“Well,” Hiro seemed to think this over. For some reason, Hikari was convinced it was only an act. He already seemed to have made up his mind. “Do you think only being able to cook makes a good mom?”

“Of course not. But it’s one factor, right?”

Hiro gave a comforting smile to his wife. “If I can cook, it’s not really an issue, is it? All you really need as a good parent is a healing touch and the ability to listen well to your child. Helping them will eventually follow and so will instilling good values.”

Hikari pouted again. “You know, back home, they’d call you a feminist. In a bad way. Because you don’t think it’s important for a mother to cook well.”

“They’d call me that here too. Does it matter?” Hiro’s smile never left his face.

Now, even Hikari smiled. “No. I like you this way.”

“See? That smile on you. It’s healing in itself. I know you’d make a great mother. And ultimately, we both need to work together to be good parents.”

A dam of comfort seemed to have broken in Hikari’s heart as she took this in. “You’d make a great dad too.”

Hiro turned back to his vegetables as Hikari now went to hug him from behind. 

“I love you,” she said as she hid her face in Hiro’s shirt. 

Hiro laughed. “I love you more. And your ramen. It’s really the best ramen I’ve ever tasted.”

“Okay! I’ll make it for dinner then.”

The couple giggled as the sunlight pouring in from the kitchen window illuminated their cheerful faces. 

“I wasn’t really a good mother, was I, Hiro?” Hikari asked now as she looked in the mirror, a slew of photos behind a bed reflected in them. 

The handwritten caption under one of the photos reads- “24 June 1992. Hikari with Hiro, Haru and Hayate at the beach.” 

Hikari turns her back to the mirror as she exits the room now. 

The caption undergoes a change in the empty room- “24 June 1992. Hikari, the best mother Haru and Hayate could have, with Hiro and her sons.” 

Sunghoon decided texting was for young people now. He, instead, would call Sunoo. 

But was he confident to do so? Now that was a different story.

Sunghoon paced around his bedroom now, his phone lying on the bed. He eyed his phone carefully and pursed his lips.

“It’s now or never,” he reminded himself. 

The phone was now picked up, and Sunoo’s number was dialled. Sunghoon panicked for a second. Should he cut it? No. That would make it look like he wanted to call Sunoo, but then cancelled the plan. 

Sunghoon paced even more nervously now, phone attached to his ear with a heavy hand.

“Hello?” Sunoo’s sweet voice greeted after just 5 rings. 

Sunghoon froze.

“Sunghoon hyung?”

“Uh, hey. Hi. Yeah. It’s me. Sunghoon.”

Great going, you idiot , Sunghoon reminded himself calmly. 

“I know it is,” Sunoo let out a small giggle. Sunghoon’s heart threatened to throb out of his chest now. “What’s up?”

“Uhhh… how are you doing?” 

“Good, I guess? I mean, university doesn’t really seem to be relaxing at any moment but overall, good.”

“Great. That’s good to know. University is hard but you’re Kim Sunoo. You could even break mountains if you wanted to.”

Sunoo chuckled. “Calm down, hyung. I’m pretty sure I cannot do that.”

“Yeah, never mind. I think I took that too far. But you get my point, right?”

“Yeah. Pretty sure that’s not what you called for though, right?”

Right. Yeah. He should get to the point. Why was it so hard to be calm talking to Sunoo?

“I was just, uh, wondering if you had any book shop recommendations. You know, for all the books you recommended.”

“Hmm.” Sunghoon heard the slight creak of a chair. He assumed Sunoo must have stretched into it, one arm up and the other on his phone. “I do have a favorite one that I visit often. The owner knows Korean because he studied in Korea for some time. So initially, when I wanted some feeling of home, I used to visit him.”

“Do you like him?” Sunghoon did not know what took over him to ask this question. 

“What? No! That’s ridiculous. He’s, like, 40. I might like older men but not this old.”

He likes older men?

“You like older men?”

“I like men in general. But I meant that my acceptable age range does go up to at least 5 years older, at maximum.” 

“And minimum?”

“My age, I guess. Was never really interested in men even a year younger than me so…” 

So Sunghoon was an eligible bachelor in Sunoo’s eyes. Great. 

“You ask weird questions, hyung,” Sunoo said. Sunghoon could imagine the questioning yet humored smile on his face.

“That’s me, yeah. Park Sunghoon, the guy who asks weird questions.”

Sunoo’s laughter was like the re-introduction of sunlight into Sunghoon’s life. 

“Okay, Park Sunghoon, the guy who asks weird questions. I’ll send you the name and the address. You can visit it whenever you want to.”

“Actually, I…”

This is what Sunghoon had been so nervous about. This moment, where he wanted to ask a crucial question to Sunoo. This moment, where he wanted to see if Sunoo would give him the chance to enter his life again. 

“Yeah?” 

Sunghoon gulped. Again, it was now or never. 

“I was thinking if you could come with me.”

The line on the other side went silent. Sunghoon clenched and unclenched his left fist now, mind suddenly more nervous than it had been even before any of their performances. 

“Sunoo?” Bravery was the sign of a great human. Sunghoon, therefore, decided to portray exceptional bravery right now as he pushed for Sunoo’s answer.

“Sure. I have no issue. It’s just that the question was a bit sudden.”

Sunghoon had won the battle. He could die happily now, knowing that Kim Sunoo would finally allow him to enter his life again. 

But wasn’t this trusting him a bit too much? Sunghoon felt guilt gnaw at him again. 

“Sorry. I just didn’t know how to pose it.”

“Sunghoon hyung,” Sunoo said now, clearly shifting in his seat. Sunghoon could, for some reason, imagine him pursing his lips. “When you have something to ask me or you want to tell me something, just do it. Don’t keep hesitating. Isn’t that what you did before?”

Sunghoon, though, was on cloud nine as he heard this. He counted everything he had heard today:-

1. Sunoo had giggled and laughed easily on the call
2. Sunoo had easily talked to him about his romantic preferences
3. Sunoo had told him the location of his favorite bookshop, a fact he knew mattered a lot to literature students
4. Most importantly, Sunoo had been straightforward with him, just as he used to be before.

Conclusion? 

Kim Sunoo was warming up to him even faster than he had imagined. 

“Yeah, sorry. You’re right. I’m gonna tell you things as they are now and not hesitate much.”

“Great! Now with this aside, let’s fix a date soon, okay?” 

To be fair, it wasn’t Sunghoon’s fault that he didn’t realise the date they set had been 14 February. Sunghoon had suggested 13th initially. But Sunoo regretfully informed him of the plans he had already made with some friends. 14th was a Sunday. Both Sunoo and Sunghoon were free. So, there hadn’t been any other consideration.

Sunghoon’s cheeks burned now, as he picked up his phone. He was already dressed up. The plan was finalised. He couldn’t chicken out now. 

Thankfully for him, Sunoo had conveniently forgotten it was Valentine’s Day. 

“Here we are,” he announced triumphantly after their long walk. 

Sunghoon looked up at the board. 198 Days . It seemed like a strange name for a bookshop.

“Their name represents the time it took for them to open the shop, right from the idea of establishing one to its actual opening,” Sunoo said, reading Sunghoon’s mind. 

“It’s a really cool name then.”

Sunoo gave Sunghoon a smirk. Sunghoon, true to himself, stood absolutely confused. 

“Anyway, let’s go in,” Sunoo said as he entered.

The store wasn’t too big, which was comforting to Sunghoon. But it wasn’t too small either. The cherry wooden flooring and warm tones gave the shop a cozy feel. On the left sat the owner behind a billing desk, who gave them a small smile before resuming his book again. On the right was a puffy chair, on which laid an American Shorthair. 

“Her name’s Mimi,” Sunoo said, almost in a whisper, as Sunghoon found himself wanting to coo and pet her. “She’s sleeping right now. So don’t pet her, okay?”

Sunghoon pouted a little as his desires were crushed. They now moved towards the bookshelves, which seemed to give the feel of a library more than a bookshop, with its rows of parallel shelves facing each other in pairs. There were two sections, one behind the other. Each section had about eight rows of bookshelves. Sunghoon followed behind Sunoo, as the shorter man moved towards the second section bookshelves now. 

“This is the Mishima section,” he announced. “They have books in almost all the languages Mishima has been translated into.”

“So they primarily sell books on Japanese literature?”

“Not just primarily. Fully. This bookshop is special because it’s dedicated only to Japanese literature and all its translations.”

Sunghoon was in awe. It must require a lot of hard work to even put up orders for all these books and their translations. 

“That’s… amazing.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Sunoo said excitedly. Sunghoon’s heart felt warmer than ever at seeing the familiar but long-lost expression.

Prior to Sunoo’s re-entry into his life in Japan, Sunghoon hadn’t been one to appreciate literature much. He recognised its importance and its beauty. But he always assumed it wasn’t for him. He wasn’t as gentle and composed of delicate sensibilities the way Sunoo was. In fact, this is what had made him feel even more comfortable in the group. Still, Sunoo was an exception, but he was an exception who was well appreciated by his members. 

All of them, except Sunghoon, had audibly and visibly expressed their awe at the sensitivity with which Sunoo approached life in general. Sunghoon admired him from a distance, too afraid to revel in the flow of emotions that seemed to be possessed by Sunoo so effortlessly. He worried the lid he had shut on with so much force on his love would be blown away once it came in contact with Sunoo’s emotions. 

But right now, he wanted to get lost in this ocean. He wanted Sunoo’s emotions and sensibilities to own him. He could completely surrender himself to them if that’s what Sunoo wanted. But he wasn’t a selfless giver. Sunghoon equally wanted all of Sunoo’s emotions for himself. At this point, he envied even literature for the attention it received from Sunoo and his emotions.

As this sudden possessive streak subtly grew over him, Sunoo sent him not one, not two, but numerous small smiles and giggles that day. This was his safe place, Sunghoon realised. And he was a part of it now. In a sense, Sunoo had already allowed him in, had already given up a lot of himself to Sunghoon. He had, in his own small ways, already been giving away parts of himself to Sunghoon in their 7 years in the group. But the older man had failed to realise it, too preoccupied with his own feelings for him. 

“Hyung?” Sunoo asked now. There was a pile of books in both his and Sunghoon’s hands now. “What are you thinking about?”

Sunoo’s light head tilt made Sunghoon lose his breath. He was so beautiful like this, with his brown locks falling on his forehead, his bright eyes attempting to peer into Sunghoon’s soul and his lips slightly parted. 

Sunghoon breathed in, albeit a bit harshly. “Nothing. Just that we deposited some books on the counter some time back. And now we have another pile. How are we going to carry all of this?” 

Sunoo smiled. “Eh. We’ll just order an Uber.”

“They have Uber here?” 

“This is Japan, hyung. There is convenient transportation and technology everywhere.”

With that said, Sunoo moved towards the counter, a pile of about 6 books in his arms. Sunghoon was glad he had brought a lot of money, just like Sunoo had asked him to. But before that, he called out to the younger man. Sunoo looked behind. Sunghoon froze again.

“Hurry, hyung. My arms hurt.”

“Oh sorry. I was just going to ask if you wanted to… come over to my apartment to drink some coffee?”

Sunghoon had absolutely no idea what had possessed him at the moment. How had he even gained the confidence to ask this?

Sunoo tilted his head again. “Sure. Why not? You make good coffee.”

The cashier smiled at Sunoo as they deposited their two other piles.

“Book haul again, I see?” He asked.

Sunoo smiled back. “This is all mostly for him.” His finger pointed towards Sunghoon. 

“Hello,” Sunghoon greeted with a light bow. 

“Hello. I don’t know if Sunoo told you but I’m Yamada Daisuke, the owner of this store.”

“He did, yes. He talked about you very excitedly, Yamada-san.”

Yamada-san gave a light laugh. “He’s a good kid.”

“Yamada-san,” Sunoo pouted. “I’m 26, you know.”

“Well, my youth has passed. So you do seem to me like a kid,” Yamada-san chuckled heartily. 

The chuckle seemed to remind Sunghoon of someone. 

As Yamada-san quoted the price, Sunghoon insisted he pay for all of it, even for the few books Sunoo had bought for himself. Sunoo blushed and looked away towards the wall in front of him as Yamada-san accepted the money from Sunghoon. 

Sunoo walked towards the framed photographs on the wall beside the counter now. There were some Sunghoon could see were of Yamada-san. But there were many whose subjects he couldn’t guess. 

“Is this beautiful lady your sister, Yamada-san? I remember you mentioned her once,” Sunoo asked. The picture showed a woman in her 20s, smiling brightly at an airport.

“Ah this?” Yamada-san said as he looked at the photo now. “Oh no, this is my aunt. The picture is from the 80s. I’m not sure if I remember the year.” 

“Ah,” Sunoo nodded lightly. “And this is her too?” 

He now pointed to a photo of the same lady, except this time she had a child in her arms and was standing in front of a beach. 

“Yes. This is my cousin with her.”

“You seem really close to them,” Sunoo remarked as he looked over the other photographs now. 

“Oh I was. They were the ones who encouraged me to start this bookshop. I mean, I had the financial resources to do so. Our family is old money. But still, my parents weren’t very supportive until my aunt and uncle ended up convincing them.”

“They sound like really kind people,” Sunghoon remarked now. 

“They were,” Yamada-san said with a melancholic smile as he started adding the books to a bag. 

“Were?” Sunoo asked. 

“Hmm. It’s unfortunate but the entire family died in a car accident some years back.”

Sunoo frowned. 

Sunghoon gave his condolences.

“Thank you. I wish they’d all lived longer. But life is very cruel at times. They did make the world a much better place though. All four of them.”

The two men bid Yamada-san goodbye and went to sit in the Uber (Sunghoon had no idea when Sunoo had even ordered it).

Sunghoon noticed Sunoo’s frown hadn’t left his face. 

“Everything okay?” He asked.

“Hmm. Yeah it’s nothing.”

The rest of the ride went in Sunoo animatedly explaining Sunghoon how to approach Japanese literature- a topic the older man had picked up after being concerned about the frown that threatened to become a permanent feature of Sunoo’s face now. 

As Sunghoon now saw his area coming into view, he felt tense. Sunoo and him had lived in the same house for years. And yet, Sunghoon felt extreme nervousness at the fact that Sunoo was now invited to his apartment. 

The nervousness built even more as he and Sunoo hefted the bags to the apartment building’s elevator. He tapped his foot nervously, waiting for the elevator to arrive. 

“Relax,” Sunoo said. Sunghoon almost jumped. “Take in some deep breaths.”

“You… know I’m nervous?”

“Hyung, with all due respect, right now you look more constipated than that time Heeseung hyung had been surviving off of soda and had to painfully realise it wasn’t a good idea.”

Sunghoon smiled at the memory Sunoo had triggered. “Heeseung hyung promised to live healthy after you shifted to Japan, by the way.”

“I know. He told me. Did he actually keep the promise though?”

“He did,” Sunghoon nodded proudly. The elevator arrived and the two men mounted it. “Wait. You’re in contact with Heeseung hyung?”

“Of course I am. I’m in contact with all the members. We just don’t talk that much.”

Sunghoon… had not known about this. None of the members had said anything to him. Something about this deeply hurt him. 

They were now standing in front of Sunghoon’s door as Sunoo added- “They told me you didn’t really want to talk to me. So I never tried getting in contact with you.”

The lock opened as Sunghoon entered the password. He was glad Sunoo hadn’t noticed it- the 2403 being a very obvious clue of Sunghoon’s feelings.

As Sunoo entered and took off his shoes, Sunghoon felt guilt take over his heart again. “It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to you,” he said as he shut the door behind him. “It’s just that I wasn’t sure how we’ll ever talk to each other again. We weren’t on very good terms when you left, you know.”

“Hmm yeah. You didn’t even come to say goodbye,” Sunoo said, hurt clear in his voice. He entered the apartment now, carefully taking in the details. 

Sunghoon remained rooted in the entrance. “I wanted to. I was just…”

Sunoo turned back towards him. “Scared?”

Sunghoon looked into the eyes that were boring into his. “Yeah.”

Sunoo, to his utter shock, smiled. 

“You worry too much about the most random things, hyung,” he declared as he moved towards the living room.

Sunghoon’s heart eased as he trailed behind Sunoo. 

“Sunoo-yah,” he said as he saw Sunoo sitting down on the couch. “What kind of coffee do you want?”

“Same old. Latte with lots of sugar.”

Sunghoon scrunched his nose and smiled with jest. “It’s not coffee if you put in too much sugar, you know.”

“Coffee is coffee if it has coffee in it.”

Sunghoon laughed. “Fine. I’ll make it for you.”

As he stood in the kitchen, searching for the sugar, he heard footsteps padding on his wooden floor, moving towards the kitchen.

“Sunghoon hyung?”

“Here.”

“Found you,” Sunoo announced as he entered the kitchen. 

Sunghoon smiled. “My apartment isn’t that big, you know.”

“Stop humbling yourself. This is a huge apartment for a single person.” Sunoo looked around the kitchen, taking in everything with slight awe evident on his face. 

“I guess I like luxury,” Sunghoon said.

“Oh my God, never mind. Go back to being humble please.”

“Admit it, though. You missed my cocky version.”

Sunghoon winked. Sunoo narrowed his eyes. 

“Ew,” the younger man announced.

“Why are you here though? You should look around if you want to.”

“Hmmm. I wanted to see how you’d make my coffee.”

Sunghoon raised an eyebrow with a humored expression. “Okay.”

He moved around at ease as he made the latte for Sunoo, the younger’s eyes trained on him but also constantly relaying the sheningans of university to him. Sunghoon, probably to extend the time even more, offered to make ramyeon for Sunoo, a suggestion which was accepted instantly with enthusiasm. 

One name, though, had come up twice in Sunoo’s recounting of his university incidents.

“What’s your deal with Hideya?” Sunghoon asked suddenly. 

“Hideya?” Sunoo tilted his head slightly. “He’s a classmate.”

Sunghoon gave the ramyeon water a last glance as he covered the pan lid and gave an inquiring stare to his company. “And he’s only a classmate?”

Sunoo blushed slightly. “I mean, yeah, I used to have a crush on him.”

“Used to?”

“Mm-hmm. Got replaced with someone else.”

Sunghoon’s heart stopped again. He couldn’t help how fast his face had dropped into an expression of sadness. 

He moved beside Sunoo now, paying attention to show off his skill at latte art now. 

“Hyung?” Sunoo asked. 

Sunghoon, for the first time, realised the proximity between him and Sunoo at the moment. His heart beat even faster at this thought. But a slave to Sunoo’s beck-and-call, Sunghoon looked up to face the younger man now.

The proximity was even more than he had calculated. Their eyes bore into each other as their breaths seem to mingle.

Sunghoon could swear it was Sunoo who had moved closer. But given the moment, he wasn’t entirely sure. 

“Did you really perfect the latte ar-”

Sunoo’s words were cut off as a pair of lips crashed against his in urgency.

Sunghoon tasted the sweet lip gloss Sunoo was wearing as he felt himself kiss him. The kiss wasn’t soft, as he had always expected his first kiss with Sunoo to be like. It was, in many senses, harsh- harsh in how Sunghoon’s mouth seemed to be prodding Sunoo’s before it received permission to move deeper, harsh in how his hands eventually snaked around the younger’s waist, causing Sunoo to let out a gasp, and harsh in how he attempted to pour in years of hidden love into the kiss. 

Sunoo, on his part, seemed to accept Sunghoon’s love with an enthusiasm the older man hadn’t expected. But this lasted only for a moment.

Eventually, Sunghoon felt a light push on his chest.

“Sorry,” he said breathlessly as he pulled away. 

Sunoo’s parted lips were swollen, Sunghoon realised. And it was because of him. 

He wasn’t sure how he felt about this. 

“I have a lot of questions but,” Sunoo breathed in, still a bit breathless. “I guess I’ll ask them some other day.”

Sunghoon wasn’t sure what the next course of action should be. Thankfully for him, Sunoo came to the rescue. 

“I do have one question though. And only one right now that I want you to answer.”

“Okay.”

Sunoo skimmed a hand through his hair as he sighed deeply. “No one with a crush would kiss someone so passionately. So how long have you liked me?”

Sunghoon met Sunoo’s eyes. The latter’s eyes were… angry. Hurt. 

It wasn’t what Sunghoon had expected to see. 

“Ever since we debuted.”

A single tear fell from Sunoo’s eyes. Sunghoon, for some reason, knew this would become a core memory for him. He detested the thought deeply. 

Tears fully streamed down Sunoo’s face in the minute of silence that pervaded the kitchen. Sunghoon’s eyes widened, hands reaching out automatically to comfort Sunoo. 

But Sunoo inched back. 

“You’re a coward, Park Sunghoon,” he announced. Sunghoon felt his heart drop. “A coward who feels no remorse for the harm he has done.”

Saying this, Sunoo left a dumbfounded Sunghoon standing alone in the kitchen. After a minute, the older man heard the entrance door slam, his heart sinking at the realisation Sunoo had helped him with. 

He had made a huge mistake by hiding his feelings from Sunoo

Chapter Text

Sunoo didn’t realise it’s just 11 pm. But his feet dragged him to Aoki-san’s shop. 

It had been 6 days since he slammed the door of Sunghoon’s apartment, tears storming down his eyes and a gaping hole reopened in his heart. 

8 years. For nearly 8 years, Sunghoon had liked him. For nearly 8 years, he had woken up everyday thinking he would never be loved back by the man he loved so dearly. For nearly 8 years, he had struggled with letting go, increasingly more convinced Sunghoon actually wanted nothing to do with him. For nearly 8 years, he had endured these pains silently, always smiling back at Sunghoon, always listening to him and entertaining him.

All for Sunghoon to reveal he had loved him back throughout these 8 years.

Sunoo knew him feeling angry at this wasn’t exactly rational. He should be glad his feelings were requited. But something about being in pained love for years, only for the subject of your love to have always loved you back, made him see red. If he had known earlier, so much could have been fixed. He would have never dated other people, he would have never left Korea, he would have never had to take all those goddamned pills. 

Was it truly right to blame this all on Sunghoon? Sunoo knew it was unfair. Sunghoon himself wasn’t exactly aware of Sunoo’s feelings. But he could have attempted to be friends with the younger man. He shouldn’t have torn apart Sunoo’s feather heart.

Right now, his mind screamed at him to not go to the ramen shop. ‘Haven’t you been comfortable at home for the past 6 days?

But Sunoo knew when darkness tended to creep up on him. He couldn’t let himself fall into it again.

Thankfully, his body helped him now, almost pushing him towards the shop. In the battle between his rational brain commanding his body and his irrational mind, somewhere, Sunoo was glad that it was the former who had won.

He pushed aside the noren and immediately narrowed his eyes.

Wasn’t the devil supposed to arrive at midnight?

Sunoo took his regular seat. He glanced around the shop. Aoki-san was nowhere to be seen. But Sunghoon had got up and was moving towards the counter.

“Aoki-san said she’ll be back in about 10 minutes. She told me she had a hunch you’d come early too today. So she left the ramen for you.” Sunghoon said. “It’s still warm, don’t worry. For some reason, she knew you’d arrive exactly in the 10 minutes when she’d step out.” He put the ramen bowl in front of Sunoo, lighter than he should. 

Sunoo stared at his Tonkotsu ramen. “Bold of you to even attempt a conversation with me right now.”

Sunghoon lowered his head behind the counter. “Sunoo… I’m really sorry.”

“Sorry? You think sorry is going to fix this?”

“I don’t know what else will,” Sunghoon answered honestly.

Sunoo let out a mock laugh. “You never know, do you? It’s always the same story with you. Play a cruel push-pull game with me and when you realise you fucked up, apologise. But do you ever sit down and actually think about my feelings? How do I feel stuck up in all of this? Do you know how I used to feel in the group sometimes, when you suddenly decided to push me away before deciding ‘Oh! This isn’t going to work out. I should be close to Sunoo again!’. And then repeating the whole cycle again and again and again?”

Sunoo knew Sunghoon was genuinely confused now. His eyebrows were furrowed together and his lips were slightly parted, as if he wanted to say something but was unable to. 

This angered him even more.

“Don’t tell me you don’t remember.”

“I… don’t. I seriously don’t.”

“Oh?” Sunoo saw Sunghoon flinching at his tone. “Then let me remind you.

“Jay hyung’s 22nd birthday. April 2024. We were in the living room cutting his cake at midnight.”

Boisterous laughs echoed loudly in the living room. Sunoo, deep down, was definitely a bit afraid of waking up their neighbours. But right now, he decided to let go as Jake attacked him with a finger covered in cake. 

“You’re going down, Sunoo!” 

Sunoo, the only member whose face hadn’t been spoiled by the cake, now screamed and ran, the even louder laughter coming from his chest naturally. “Noooo! It’s Jay hyung’s birthday! Go tease him!”

“I think I have been teased enough…” Jay said. Sunoo stopped in his tracks for a minute to look back at him. He burst out into laughter again at how Jay’s face was absolutely smothered with the cake.

“Yah, Kim Sunoo, don’t you think you’re laughing a bit too loud?”

The living room went silent. Jake was close to triumph now, standing right in front of Sunoo. But his fingers did not reach Sunoo’s cheek as he heard his best friend say this. 

Sunghoon stood near the table where the cake had been cut. Sunoo’s heart shattered as he realised he genuinely looked annoyed. 

“I’m sorry,” he answered.

Jay gave an uncomfortable smile. “Sunoo it’s fine. I’m sure we’re all equally loud right now.”

But Sunoo did not laugh again that night.

3 days later, as he was tasked with cooking for the whole group along with Jungwon, Sunghoon suddenly back hugged him. Jungwon had left the kitchen for a few minutes and Sunghoon had seized his chance.

Sunoo smelled alcohol in Sunghoon’s breath.

“Sunoo yah, I’m so sorry about what happened that day. I didn’t want to be so mean. But your laughter, it…”

“Was annoying?” Sunoo supplied. Tears pooled in the corner of his eyes.

“Hmm? Nah. Your laughter is beautiful. It was just… I don’t like it. It does something to me.” With this said, Sunghoon now rested his cheek against Sunoo’s nape. 

Sunoo was confused. “Does what?” 

At this moment, Jay entered the kitchen, gave a narrowed glance to the two members, promptly said “Ew. Good luck with his drunk ass, Sunoo.” and walked out.

But Sunghoon never clarified what Sunoo’s laughter did to him.

“I…” Sunghoon was clearly at a loss for words. His memory had pieces of both incidents. But only now did it all come together.

“You had the chance. You could have just told me the truth. You could have told me my laughter made you happy, or that it made you want to date me. Just… anything. But you decided to act like an elementary school kid instead.”

Sunghoon stood rooted to his spot silently, eyes slightly widened at the sudden realisation.

“It got worse. Even worse after this,” Sunoo continued. “Remember the fansign two months later? That was even worse because it was so fucking close to my birthday.”

“Sunghoon…” It wasn’t often that Enhypen’s manager let out a sigh because of Sunghoon. But right now, Sunghoon realised he deserved this. He had really fucked up this time. “How do I even fix this?”

Internet forums were filled with that one clip.

Sunoo and Sunghoon were side-by-side at a fansign. The fans approached them, all eager to spill their thoughts to them. Both men smiled and interacted with them, Sunoo even matching the energy of the fans where required.

One fan, though, held a fox plushie in her hand. It was clear she wanted to either give it to Sunoo or show him how it looked exactly like him. Sunoo was excited at either possibility. As the fan in front of him moved to the next member, Sunoo waited for the fox plushie fan, who was now in front of Sunghoon.

Having thought things were normal between him and Sunghoon, Sunoo teased the fan. 

“Do you like foxes a lot?”

The fan giggled.

But the short question alone was the end of Sunoo’s playful interaction as he noticed how Sunghoon gave him a glare.

Sunoo moved his body back into his seat, shifted in it, and his eyes suddenly became downcast.

The clip went viral. Fans, non-fans, even gossip outlets talked about it. Sunghoon did not share the blame alone. Sunoo was equally reprimanded by many for being “attention-seeking” and “impatient”.

“I’m sorry. Just say I was playing along with him,” Sunghoon offered, clutching the phone tighter to his ear now.

At this moment, Sunoo came out of his room with an empty bowl of ramyeon. He stood frozen outside the door, eyes not leaving Sunghoon’s once. They hadn’t talked after the incident. And given the attention it had received, the environment between them had become even more tense.

“I mean, sure. But… Sunghoon, people have eyes. Particularly fans. They can see you both are a bit tense with each other. And I’m sorry but it isn’t really good for the group’s image.”

“I’m sorry,” Sunghoon apologised, eyes not once leaving Sunoo’s even now. He saw tears well up in the younger’s eyes. He wondered if Sunoo could hear the call. “I’ll… try to fix things.”

But ultimately, it was Sunoo who fixed things on his birthday live just two days later.

“Ayyy, you guys worry too much about us! Sunghoon hyung and I are fine. We just like playing along with each other. I’m sorry we worried and disappointed all the engenes.”

Sunghoon saw supportive comments pour in immediately as he watched Sunoo’s live. Guilt tore at his heart again. How could he ever tell Sunoo he had just been jealous? He knew it was Sunoo’s job. But it was also not a secret that out of all of them, Sunoo had increasingly started flirting more with his fans. 

Things calmed down significantly after that. But Sunghoon and Sunoo’s heart continued to suffer.

“I did that for a very stupid reason,” Sunghoon admitted. 

“Pray tell what that stupid reason could be, Park Sunghoon.”

“I was jealous.”

In the shop, one could hear a pin drop at the moment.

“Jealous?”

“Yeah. You were starting to flirt with the fans more and I just… couldn’t help the jealousy. Again, I’m really sorry.”

“Wait. Let me get this straight. You were jealous of me just improving at my job. Instead of being a mature adult and confessing to me, you decided to let that jealousy rot inside you until it literally came out in the last place it should have.”

Sunoo saw Sunghoon lift up his head in slight disbelief.

“You… knew the jealousy was rotting inside me?”

“I did not then. But I can guess now. I’m not dumb.”

“Isn’t this giving me the benefit of doubt again and blaming everything on my jealousy?”

Sunoo gave him an incredulous look. Sunghoon was right from a certain perspective. But Sunoo knew he meant what he had said. He knew that all along, it wasn’t exactly Sunghoon’s fault too. 

Throughout his years with Sunghoon, it became more and more obvious to Sunoo how they were the polar opposites of each other. Sunoo loved pink. Sunghoon did not. Sunoo loved new and catchy songs. Sunghoon loved old and groovy songs. Sunoo’s wardrobe was all colors and neutrals, while Sunghoon’s was oversaturated with black. Sunoo loved the rain and could click pictures of it all day. Sunghoon hated the rain and despised being inside on a rainy day.

Sunoo was good at expressing his feelings. Sunghoon was never taught to be in tune with his. Sunoo aired out his thoughts. Sunghoon struggled with the same, having been taught all his life to eat up his feelings and never mention them to anyone.

Figure skater Park Sunghoon and idol Park Sunghoon weren’t very different, after all. There was still a 13 year old in him, wondering if his life would go away in the skating rink, before it was inevitably turned around because of the loss of his youth. 

Sunoo realised now how well aware of this he was. 

His anger seemed to settle down significantly as he thought this over.

“Well, sure, your jealousy is a part of you. But also, hyung, when was the last time you actually talked about your feelings with someone?”

Sunoo was himself surprised at how suddenly he had softened up. He really was a man in love, after all. 

Sunghoon sighed and came back to sit on his seat. He seemed to be staring a hole into his ramen for the next minute. 

“Jake, I guess,” he answered.

“Okay. And how much do you exactly even talk to him? Weekly, monthly? Because when we were all together, you barely ever aired your feelings out, even to him.” 

“Sunoo”, Sunghoon lifted his head up now. “Why are we suddenly talking about me?”

“Because this is the entire reason, hyung. You, me, our fights, all those times where we cried alone when we could have cried together, all the holes we tried to fill in our heart with overworking or dating other people- all of this came from miscommunication.”

“Which was my fault.”

“Initially, that’s what I thought too. But right now…” 

All those times he could have asked Sunghoon for help, reached out to him, helped Sunghoon deal with his own issues… Had Sunoo not ignored them himself?

Two young people in difficult phases of life, helped by no one, and navigating the jarring world of being an idol all alone- Sunoo wondered why the world had expected them to be okay all along. 

“I think we both made mistakes. And I think we can both work on them.”

Sunghoon faced Sunoo now. The younger man’s eyes held a promise. 

“Sometimes, hyung,” Sunoo said now as he smiled. “We become lost. The world is too vast. It has too many expectations of us. We become burdened by them. You and I struggled with being idols, with being queer individuals in a world that seems to be hellbent to hate us, with being normal people after the loss of each other. You struggled with the world of expectations that you had become familiar with when you used to skate. I struggled with the world of expectations that refused to let me live happily for being a man who did not fit the mould of being one. But don’t our struggles unite us?”

A single tear fell from Sunghoon’s eyes, his mouth ajar. 

“You and I aren’t very different, are we? So let’s forgive each other, hyung. Let’s talk to each other now. Let’s promise we won’t hide from each other anymore.”

“I wish you would scold me instead, Sunoo.”

Sunoo chuckled. “I know you’re not good at feelings. But it’s okay. I’ll help you.”

“But… How can you just forgive me? I hurt you for years.”

Sunoo dived into his ramen, the slurping noises not indicating in the least that the ramen was slightly cold now. 

“Today’s ramen is even more delicious. We should come at this time now.”

Sunghoon continued staring at Sunoo. 

Sunoo sighed. “Hyung, seriously. You think too much. Does it matter if you hurt me for years? Does it matter that even I didn’t reach out to you when I should have? I forgive you. And I hope you forgive me too. If you do, let’s move on together.”

“Of course I forgive you. But is there even anything to forgi-”

“Sunghoon hyung, do you want me to kiss your mouth shut in a ramen shop at 11 P.M. where the old owner can come in anytime and see us?” 

Sunghoon had better manners than that. He immediately closed his agape mouth and focused on his ramen again. 

They ate in silence for a few minutes before Aoki-san came in singing.

“See? I knew Sunoo would be early today,” she remarked excitedly and rubbed her hands together. 

“Work completed, Aoki-san?” Sunoo asked with a greeting smile.

“Yes of course! It wasn’t much. Just a neighbor I had to talk…” Aoki-san trailed off as she settled behind the counter now, her eyes staring at Sunghoon. 

“Did Sunghoon cry today?” She asked, with slight shock in her voice. 

Sunoo giggled. “You have seen what even I used to crave to see at times, Aoki-san.”

Aoki-san raised an eyebrow. She seemed to consider this before she smiled. 

“Is dear Sunghoon doing well?” She asked. 

Sunghoon gave a small smile. “Just thinking about a few things.”

“Ah,” Aoki-san smiled even wider now. “Well, if Sunoo isn’t concerned, I’m guessing it isn’t huge.”

Sunghoon remained silent for almost the rest of the night in the shop as Sunoo and Aoki-san continued chatting. 

After not being able to hold it in longer though, he asked Aoki-san the question that had been worrying him. 

“Aoki-san, can I ask you a question?”

Two pairs of curious eyes turned towards him. 

“Yes, my child?”

“If you had made a huge mistake, or a series of big mistakes, and you were just forgiven for them, should you accept that? Shouldn’t the other person be angry at you?” 

Sunoo opened his mouth to say something before deciding to close it. He knew Sunghoon found comfort in Aoki-san’s words, almost like a mother’s. If he was the subject of Sunghoon’s guilt, it wouldn’t be easy for his words to suddenly relieve him of the tightness in his heart. 

Aoki-san, though, had noticed Sunoo’s almost unnoticeable little action. She gave a small smile before she answered. 

“Sunghoon, why do you think human beings make mistakes?”

Sunghoon considered his answer carefully. “Wrong perspective?”

“Precisely. You’re a smart man. Now tell me, if someone has a wrong perspective, is it formed primarily because of them and their own efforts? Or is it formed by how they grow up and their larger socialisation?” 

Sunghoon was clearly confused at this question. But Sunoo could see he was getting there- the Park Sunghoon he knew was a pretty smart person, after all. 

“Both.”

Aoki-san smiled wider. “Exactly. We are agents. But we are agents whose actions are restricted and formed on many levels by the people and environment around us. Now let’s take the example of your friend. He feels he is not worthy of forgiveness. He must have made a huge mistake to think so. But think carefully- were his actions attributable only to his human agency? Or did his environment growing up and the environment he was in during those moments impact him too?”

This time, Sunoo knew Sunghoon had to reach his own conclusion. He had helped him to a certain extent, but only Sunghoon himself could reach the final point. 

“It did,” he answered slowly. 

“Exactly! We know it did. But you know what’s even more important here? He realised his mistake. And his friend forgave him. Ultimately, that’s what matters, doesn’t it? We all make mistakes. But are you able to deal with them? Are you able to realise what you did was wrong? Are you brave enough to ask for forgiveness from the person you hurt?” 

Sunghoon and Sunoo both felt years of weight finally lift off of their shoulders. Mistakes, miscommunication, anger, betrayal, sadness- it all became a jumble that they could now lightly put aside. Both men in the ramen shop that night knew it wouldn’t be this easy. Some days, the heaviness would come floating back to them, wanting to find an old friend again. In those days, they would have to convince it to leave with a smile. 

But now, they were ready to face the world again. They were ready to heal, to accept their mistakes and to forgive others for theirs. 

Laughter and smiles bounced off the walls of the shop that night as the two customers stayed till late. The air became lighter. The moon shone brightly. And two hearts finally united into one, promising never to abandon the other again.

Chapter Text

November 29, 2020

The birds chirped as Sunoo stepped out into the balcony of the dorm, breathing in the fresh air. Life was beautiful. In fact, it was just starting off in its entirety for the 17 year old. Tomorrow, his group’s official debut album will be released. He was confident in its ability to charm a wide audience. But more importantly, he was confident in his and the group’s ability to do the same. Optimism filled every bone of Sunoo’s body as he stretched his hands above his head lightly. 

“Good morning,” Sunghoon greeted as he stepped out onto the balcony.

“Good morning!” Sunoo gaily greeted his group member. “Beautiful morning, isn’t it?”

Sunghoon let out a small chuckle. “You’re so… cheerful everyday.”

“Me? Of course! What use is living life if I cannot smile everyday?” 

“There must be days when you just don’t feel like it though.”

Sunoo ran the sentence in his mind before answering. “Of course. But I don’t dwell much on those days. Do you, hyung?”

His eyes shifted to Sunghoon now, wide and inquisitive. 

Sunghoon felt his heart skip a bit. His hand reached out by itself to smooth over Sunoo’s bed hair. 

Sunoo’s lips parted, slightly surprised by Sunghoon’s action. 

“Your hair is so… fluffy in the morning,” Sunghoon declared after having successfully completed the task of smoothing over a few strands of Sunoo’s hair. 

Sunoo shifted his eyes back to the scene in front of their house again, slight blush creeping up on his features. “You didn’t even answer my question.”

Sunghoon chuckled again. “There’s nothing much to answer, Sunoo. I do dwell on those days, yeah. I’m not as cheerful as you.”

“Hmm”, Sunoo answered. A new bird was chirping now, voice calmingly sweet. “Then, I’ll help you dwell on them less. What do you say?” 

He tilted his body towards Sunghoon’s again, with the sweetest smile the older boy had ever seen covering his features. 

“Sure…” He answered. 

Ah. So this is how love felt like. 

Sunoo felt it too, didn’t he? The calls of the birds seemed to be spelling out the letters of love to him. He gazed at Sunghoon’s back as the older went inside now. 

Maybe their hearts had always been aligned. 

“Sunoo!” 

It had been 3 days since the talk at Aoki-san’s shop. Although both Sunoo and Sunghoon were now sure things were fine between them, there was a slightly awkward situation they were now facing- neither of them was sure about what to do next. 

“Hyung?” Sunoo turned around. Sunghoon was running after him again. 

Initially, Sunghoon had regretfully told him he would leave a little later. He had brought his laptop to the ramen shop- a new sighting Aoki-san had simply laughed at- and planned to work on a song before he left the shop. He did not want Sunoo to stay till late. And so he had encouraged him to leave. 

“Sorry,” he panted as he stood in front of Sunoo now. The scene gave the younger man déjà vu. “I just…”

“Yeah?”

The weather was relatively pleasant. March had arrived. And the cold wasn’t so bothersome this time. But it was still midnight, and so a small shiver went down Sunoo’s spine. 

Sunghoon noticed this. 

“You seem cold. Do you want to come to my apartment today?” 

The words just spilled out. This was his intention. But he hadn’t expected the words to just tumble out of his mouth. 

Sunoo’s eyes widened slightly. “Sure?” 

As they walked along, Sunghoon constantly gave Sunoo small glances. 

Initially, Sunoo didn’t mind them much. But after a certain time, he smiled quizzically. 

“You okay there, hyung?”

“Oh yeah, I am but I was wondering if you were cold.”

“And if I said I am?”

“I was planning to give you my jacket.”

Sunoo laughed. “And what about you? Do you want to freeze?”

“It isn’t that cold.”

“Well, then the same principle should apply to me. It isn’t that cold for me either.”

Sunghoon gave Sunoo a smile that took away the younger’s breath. He was handsome. In fact, he was beyond handsome. Sunghoon was a dream, a dream he had never thought he could experience after waking up again. 

Here it was though. Right in front of him- Park Sunghoon, the man of his dreams, the subject of his affections for nearly a decade, the love of his life. 

“You? Nah. You’re a princess. You feel colder than other people and I know that.”

Sunoo blushed lightly. “If I’m the princess, are you implying you’re my knight?”

“Of course I am. Always your faithful knight.”

Sunoo blushed furiously and immediately quickened his pace. 

“Yah, Kim Sunoo! Don’t leave me behind!” Sunghoon laughed.

“You’re so embarrassing! How do you come up with corny statements like these?” 

Sunghoon caught up to him, youthful smile coloring his beautiful features. 

“Anything for you, princess.” 

Sunoo did not take much liking to this particular nickname. But if it was said so lovingly by Sunghoon, he didn’t exactly mind it…

As Sunghoon and Sunoo entered the apartment, the latter looked around carefully again. 

“You know, I didn’t say it that day but you have this apartment really well decorated, hyung.”

“Hmm. Probably because I spent a long time on the interior designing.” 

Sunghoon’s apartment was a clear reflection of him. It was minimalist, but not to the extent of impersonality invading the cozy space. The space was largely white and grey, but it wasn’t a pain to look at even for Sunoo- who preferred warm tones for an apartment. The living room was huge, but only a large TV, a sofa, and a few photographs and showpieces were part of it. The hall walls were filled with small and big awards Sunghoon had received throughout his career as a producer and a lyricist. For someone so new in the field, he certainly had a lot of them. This fact made Sunoo proud. 

“Hyung?” Sunoo called out as he walked towards the living room now.

“Yeah?” Sunghoon replied from a distance, shutting behind him the bedroom door as he deposited his laptop in it.

“Why did you come after me today?”

Sunghoon entered the living room now. Sunoo was seated on the couch, looking around the room. Sunghoon stood in the open entryway, admiring the beauty on his couch.

“It was because of a song I was working on,” Sunghoon answered as he lightly shook himself out of his stage of slight stupor while admiring Sunoo.

“What song?”

“I named it Bridge the Gap. It’s about two ex lovers who fell off because of miscommunication but are now trying to understand what exactly went wrong. The gap referred to in the title was created by this miscommunication. And now they’re bravely trying to fix it, giving their love another chance.”

The two men stared at each other now, only light blinks breaking the contact. 

“So it’s about us?” Sunoo concluded. 

Sunghoon smiled. “We weren’t ex-lovers though.”

“Hmm. Feels like we were.”

“Well, if that is how Kim Sunoo feels, then I guess I’ll just have to accept it.”

Sunghoon’s heart warmed at Sunoo’s chuckle. 

“But yeah, it reminded me that more than a song, what I needed to work upon right now was… us.”

“What’s there left to work upon?” Sunoo asked innocently. 

Sunghoon finally gathered the courage to sit beside Sunoo on the couch, body slightly tilted towards him. 

“Don’t mess with me. You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

Sunoo pouted. “Always so serious.”

“So?” Sunghoon smiled. “Do you want to talk about it right now?”

Because if there was anything Sunghoon had learned in the past few weeks, it was that good communication could fix even the worst of circumstances. And bad communication could ruin even the best of them. 

“I mean, I’m definitely nervous. But there are certain conversations we need to have.”

“I thought there was only one?”

Sunoo giggled. “I’m messing with you again, hyung. There’s only one, yeah. The smaller ones can follow later.”

Neither of them said anything for the next few seconds. Sunghoon wondered how he could approach this, his awkward self suddenly attempting to make a comeback as he played with his fingers. Sunoo tapped his foot nervously on the floor. Neither of them looked at each other. 

“Well, then-”

“Would you like to date me, Sunoo?”

It was now or never, right?

Sunoo’s eyes widened in surprise, mouth agape and cheeks reddening faster than anytime Sunghoon had seen him blush. 

“Don’t look so surprised. You knew this question was coming.”

Sunoo playfully swatted Sunghoon on the arm. “Not like this, you idiot!” 

Sunghoon laughed. “Am I not going to get an answer then?” 

Sunoo blushed again. But in a split second, Sunghoon saw the change come over his features, suddenly turning more confident. This made him a bit... nervous. 

Sunoo tilted his entire body towards Sunghoon now, facing him fully. The older man gulped as he moved closer. And closer. And closer. Until their faces were just inches apart from each other. 

“You look nervous now,” Sunoo remarked in a playful voice. 

“You… change expressions so fast. It would make anyone nervous.”

Sunoo giggled as he inched closer to give Sunghoon a small peck on his lips. 

“Still nervous?” 

“A bit.”

Sunoo gave him a peck again, except this time his lips lingered for a longer time on Sunghoon’s.

“Now?”

“Less… nervous.”

Sunoo moved even closer as he gave Sunghoon a full kiss now. It was soft, as if they were sharing a cotton candy. It reminded him of the softer things in life- the laughter and smiles as the seven members gathered around the living room to eat dinner, Sunoo’s small giggles and big laughs whenever Sunghoon made a joke he was sure no one would like, the group’s first trip to Jeju and their first letters to each other, the color of the sky as Sunoo looked up at it- Sunghoon having known very well his poetic mind must have cooked up a verse about the sky, the sweet exhaustion after the concerts, the small meals he and Sunoo had cooked for each other. It all kept coming in as Sunoo moved his lips softly against his. 

“How about now?” Sunoo asked slightly breathlessly as he pulled away now, almost reluctantly. 

“Definitely not nervous.”

Sunoo smiled widely. “Make your boyfriend less nervous. Task accomplished.”

“B-Boy-Boyf-?” Sunghoon stuttered. There was no way Sunoo wouldn’t find this incredibly unattractive. 

But Sunoo laughed with his head thrown back. Sunghoon realised how much he had missed this laugh. 

“You’re so cute, oh my God. If I was kissing you in response to your question, that was obviously my way of accepting your offer.”

Oh of course. That made sense. Sunghoon wasn’t dumb in love, of course. 

“So we’re…?”

“Boyfriends now! Cute, right?” Sunoo beamed. 

Sunghoon wanted to freeze this moment. There were a lot of things he wanted to say next. His brain worked faster than ever to find appropriate words. “You’re beautiful”. “Kiss me again.” “Can I kiss you again?” “Let’s watch a drama you like”.

"I love you," he blurted out instead.

Sunoo’s eyes widened again. The two pairs of eyes stared into each other’s for some time before Sunghoon visibly noticed Sunoo’s eyes melt. 

Sunoo sighed and smiled. “Idiot. You’re an idiot, Park Sunghoon. An absolute idiot. Dumbass.”

Sunghoon smiled. “Sorry. Really sentimental today, I guess.”

Sunoo shifted towards him again, this time putting one of his legs underneath his other. He smiled before he leaned in for another kiss. 

Sunghoon did not know which kiss number it was. But at a certain point, he heard Sunoo mumble something against his lips. He heard it though, loud and clear. And he would never let this moment leave his mind. 

“I love you too.”

Sunghoon nervously pursed his lips now as Aoki-san sized up the two men in front of her carefully. 

“The air has definitely shifted between you both…”

Even Sunoo looked away nervously, focusing on his ramen instead. 

“You should give us your Tonkotsu recipe, Aoki-san,” He said. 

“I will one day,” she carefully said as she looked at them again. Humor filled her eyes soon. 

“Ah,” she announced. “I get it now.”

“You do…?” Sunoo asked. 

“You both weren’t being very subtle, you know. With all those gazes and all that tension, I was afraid you both would never get together.”

Both men blushed profusely. 

“Oh come on now. You’re going to hide it from me?” She asked playfully.

“No!” Sunghoon immediately replied. “Not at all! We trust you a lot. We were just… nervous.”

Aoki-san gave them a warm smile. “Don’t be nervous, children. You both have my blessing. And if either of you break the other’s heart, my old heart would shatter. So don’t do that, okay?”

Sunghoon and Sunoo’s bodies eased now, a smile on their faces too. “Of course.”

“But Aoki-san…” Sunoo started after a few seconds. “There’s something I have to confess.”

Sunghoon knew this was coming. They had talked about it before going to the shop together today. Aoki-san already knew Sunghoon had been a K-Pop idol. But to her, Sunoo was simply a university student. They both trusted Aoki-san a lot to reveal this fact to her now. 

“Go ahead, child.”

“I… actually used to be in the same group as Sunghoon hyung.” Sunghoon noticed the addition of Korean honorifics in Japanese. He understood it was to indicate their closeness. “I was also an idol.”

Aoki-san’s lips parted. She nodded and seemed to process the information. “I can’t lie and say I hadn’t guessed that, Sunoo. It was obvious Sunghoon and you had a past together. You are also a pretty man by most standards. Even walking on the street, I would have guessed you could have been a celebrity”

“Thank you,” Sunoo blushed lightly.

Aoki-san smiled. “I’m glad you told me about this. It helps me gain more perspective into a lot of things about you that I’ve learned over the span of these few weeks.”

“But how did you guess something was different between us?” Sunghoon asked after some time, the ramen bowls almost empty. 

“The air, I believe. I’m 70, child. I can guess these things easily,” Aoki-san let out a hearty chuckle. 

“Oh I thought it was because of some other reason,” Sunoo breathed a sigh of relief. 

“What other reason?”

Sunoo blushed again. He looked like he could disappear in his turtleneck.

“Ahhh,” Aoki-san smiled teasingly. “The reason why you’re wearing a turtleneck today? I was wondering about it. You didn’t even wear it during the worst of winter here.”

Sunoo blushed even more. Sunghoon internally chuckled at how he was completely pink now. 

“Sorry,” Sunghoon replied in his stead. Sunoo gave him an expression of betrayal. 

“If you say sorry, it’s even more obvious!!” 

Both Sunghoon and Aoki-san laughed. 

“She’s 70, Sunoo. I think it’s easy for her to guess what would have happened between two men who were in love with each other and estranged for so long.” 

“You’re so embarrassing! Talking about stuff like this so easily.”

Laughter echoed in the shop again. Things were at peace now. And the three people enjoyed it thoroughly. 

The next day, Sunghoon and Sunoo decided to visit 198 Days again (now, at least, Sunghoon understood why Sunoo had given him a smirk that day). This was mostly because Sunghoon had hit an unexpected wall in his exploration of Japanese literature- he wasn’t too good at Japanese. Sunoo had face-palmed as he realised this (“Oh my God, I’m so dumb. These books are too hard for you to enjoy right now”). So they planned to visit the shop again and buy the Korean translations. Sunoo had recommended keeping the Japanese versions for later. And Sunghoon had no lack of money. So the plan was set. 

On the way, Sunoo received an unexpected call.

“Riki?” He picked up excitedly. Since Sunghoon was with him, Sunoo shared his earbuds with him to join the conversation. 

“Hyung! Doing well?” 

“Doing even better now that you’ve called me after months.”

“Ew, you’re cringe.” Sunoo laughed at Ni-ki’s childish comment. “Anyway, remember when you told me about that ramen shop you go to and the old lady who owns it? Something rang a bell in my mind so I contacted my cousin. He used to live in Hida-Takayama a few years back and I vaguely remembered him mentioning a similar kind of ramen shop.”

“Yeah? Go ahead.”

“So he was a university student too, right? But he was really depressed when he was in uni. Things weren’t working out for him. And well…”

“Well?” Sunoo probed. Sunghoon had a vague feeling in his chest right now, a feeling he couldn’t exactly grasp. 

“He was gay. But his parents weren’t that supportive. I guess that was another reason he was down in the dumps.”

The vague feeling grew in Sunghoon’s chest. 

“Anyway,” Ni-ki continued. “He discovered this ramen shop in a slightly obscure street one day. He said the owner was like, a woman in her 60s? She was nice, smiled a lot, and gave him lots of life advice. Basically she was the reason he didn’t give up on university or his life. She also helped him come to terms with him being gay, which is something he was surprised about because she was pretty old. He didn’t expect her to be supportive, you know.”

Sunghoon guessed the vague feeling in his chest was relief at knowing the old woman being talked about had helped someone they indirectly knew. But Sunoo squinted his eyes. 

“Then he stopped going to her shop?”

“No. And this is where it gets weird. He said that when he finally completely accepted himself and things started becoming better for him, the shop just… disappeared.”

Sunghoon and Sunoo froze.

“What do you mean it disappeared?”

“I mean exactly this. Like, this is the exact word he used, hyung. He said the shop disappeared. He was sure it was the same street. But it didn’t make sense. It just wasn’t there anymore.”

“What was the name of the owner?” Sunghoon asked, forgetting Ni-ki wasn’t aware of his presence.

“Wait. Sunghoon hyung?!”

“Ah… sorry to surprise you like this. I was just with Sunoo right now. I hope you didn’t mind me listening in because, uh, I go to that shop a lot too.”

“No… no. Don’t worry. I don’t mind it. Little confusing why you both are together but I’ll consider that later. What was your question?”

“What was the name of the owner?” Sunghoon’s heart beat rapidly against his chest. 

“Wait, let me… pull out the texts. Wait.”

Sunghoon and Sunoo heard movement on the other side. 

“Oh right. Found it.” 

Sunghoon and Sunoo strained their ears eagerly. 

“Aoki-san.” 

Their hearts seemed to stop together as they processed this information. 

“What did you say…” Sunoo asked again.

“Aoki-san. That was her name. He said he never got to know her first name. But he didn’t mind it. She was just nice and that’s all he cared about. Also, hyung…”

“Go ahead,” Sunghoon encouraged, his breaths still uneven. 

“It’s weird but he didn’t seem to mind the disappearance much. He told me he didn’t really understand a lot of what had happened. But he was just glad he had met her when he needed her.” 

Sunghoon and Sunoo walked silently towards the bookshop after the call, minds still processing everything they had heard. 

As they entered 198 Days, the two men mindlessly did their shopping, no sound uttering between the two of them. 

After 20 minutes, they approached the billing desk, silence still unbroken. 

“You guys seem silent. No explanations of Japanese literature today, Sunoo?”

“No…” Sunoo replied in a small voice. “Wasn’t really in the mood.” 

“Hmm I understand. Days like those happen to the best of us.” 

Sunoo, though, now had his concentration fully on the photographs on the wall. He moved towards them slowly, taking them all in. 

“Your aunt, Yamada-san,” he started. “Can you tell me more about her?”

“Oh, Hikari oba? I’m not sure what more I can say about her. She was a beautiful woman, both inside and out. She seemed to genuinely possess a heart of gold. But her life was very unfortunate.”

“How was it unfortunate?” 

“Well, she, her husband and her younger son died in a car accident. She deserved a better ending than that.”

“How many years ago was it?”

“The accident?” Yamada-san thought it over. “15 years? Yeah. It has been 15 years.”

Sunghoon stood rooted on his spot. He could even hear Sunoo gulping right now. 

“Did she have an older son?”

Yamada-san's eyes revealed shock as he heard Sunoo’s question. 

“How did you…?” 

“One of these photos has her with her two sons,” Sunoo said as he pointed to the photo in question. It was a photo of a smiling woman with two boys seated on her lap, both wearing birthday caps. “Also, you said younger son so…”

“Ah right. Yeah. Sorry. It’s just that… it’s difficult to talk about her older son.”

“Is he still alive?”

“No. None of the family is. But he died… early. He was 24. Died of a heart condition. And his death was painful for the family for a lot of reasons.”

Sunghoon and Sunoo knew very well the reasons why the death had been painful for the family. 

“We’ll take your leave now, Yamada-san. Both of us are a bit hungry since we had small breakfasts. Your aunt sounds like a nice person. I hope she rests in peace.”

Yamada-san gave the two men a warm smile. Sunghoon guessed the ability to give these smiles must run in the family. “Of course. Please have a good lunch. And I agree. Hikari oba was an amazing person, always there for anyone who might need her.”

“Ah wait, before we go, Yamada-san,” Sunoo said. “What was your aunt’s full name? I’m guessing her last name wasn’t Yamada?”

“Oh, she was my dad’s sister. But she married into an Aoki household. So her full name was Hikari Aoki.”

Sunoo thanked Yamada-san and exited the store, with Sunghoon in tow. They stood a little far away from the bookshop for some time, waiting for an Uber. 

“So…” Sunghoon started. 

“I don’t even know what I can say at this point.”

“I’m the thinking type among us. I’m not supposed to believe in ghosts. But I think more than me, you’re the one in disbelief right now.”

“Do you really find it easy to accept that Aoki-san is a ghost?” 

“I mean, no. Not really. But like you said yourself, a lot of details about her were suspicious. She had an obscure ramen shop at an obscure place. We both just… seemed to be drawn towards it for some reason. She was clearly really rich but still operated a ramen shop that got only two customers at night. She never seemed much concerned about collecting money from us. In fact, the ramen was extremely cheap considering how clearly high quality her ingredients were. It didn’t make sense how all of her customers that we knew of were people who struggled with being themselves and had suddenly stopped coming after things became fine for them.”

“That night, when we fought in the shop and made up,” Sunoo added. “You said she’ll be returning in 10 minutes. But she conveniently returned after we had finished talking.”

“Yeah, so, the conclusion that she is a ghost fits,” Sunghoon concluded. 

Sunoo looked up at him incredulously. “And you’re just accepting it?” 

“Sunoo… I don’t know. I think I get Riki’s cousin now. Aoki-san helped us immensely. So I don’t really mind that she was actually a 70 year old ghost and not a 70 year old woman, you know.”

“Wait. She’s 70,” Sunoo said. 

“Yeah and?”

“She died when she was 55, though.” 

Oh, Sunghoon realised. 

She should look 55 then. But she very clearly looked 70.

The Uber arrived. 

“At this point, I don’t understand anything, Sunoo. Let’s just go home.” 

Sunoo, he noticed in the Uber, decided to furiously google differences between the appearance of women in their 50s and women in their 70s. Sunghoon chose to look outside his window instead, wondering if he had missed something. For some reason, he was more concerned about the disappearance thing. Would Aoki-san not be a part of their lives anymore? Surprisingly, the fact did not pain him as much as he had expected it to. Deep down, Sunghoon had always mysteriously known Aoki-san would only be a temporary feature of their lives. 

He recounted everything he had heard today. Riki’s cousin. A university student. Depressed, anxious and unable to accept himself. Finds a midnight ramen shop in an obscure street. Meets a woman who…

Oh. 

Oh. 

“Riki said his cousin met a woman in her 60s, not 70s,” he told Sunoo as he bolted upright in his seat. 

“But it was Aoki-san.”

“Yeah but, the point here is that Riki’s cousin met her a few years back. If Aoki-san had actually been alive, she would have also been in her 60s.”

“That’s impossible. Ghosts cannot age.”

“Then… nothing would add up.”

Now here’s the thing in an Uber- most of the time, the driver would be listening in to your conversations. And this is the exact fact Sunghoon had forgotten. 

“Are you guys actually talking about meeting a ghost?” The driver asked. Sunghoon noticed he was a young man who seemed to be in his late 20s too.

“We… believe we did. Yeah,” Sunghoon answered. It was no use hiding it now. 

“Wow. Amazing.”

“You don’t find it scary?” Sunoo asked. 

“Not really. Where I come from, ghosts can be very nice too. Like the Bodhisattvas.”

“Bodhisattva?” Sunoo asked. 

“It’s complicated. Philosophically and strictly religiously speaking, Bodhisattvas are just human beings who have achieved enlightenment and help other sentient beings achieve it. But in some schools of Buddhist philosophy, it’s also believed they exist till the end of the Earth to help everyone achieve nirvana. So who we believe to be a kind ‘ghost’ could actually just be a Bodhisattva who chose to stay back and help people.”

“You sure you’re not attempting a bastardisation of the concept?” Sunoo asked cautiously. 

The driver laughed. “Don’t worry. I know it’s a hard concept to grasp. But it’s a thing that is believed in the place where I come from. You could also just dive deeper into the Mahayana tradition of Buddhist philosophy to discover more. Or just… you know, trust me.”

“But why would Bodhisattvas age?” Sunghoon asked. 

“They can appear to be of any form and of any age. Some of them would probably just prefer to look the age they would have been had they been alive. Some could even look younger than when they died.”

“And nirvana then? What if you weren’t actually working towards it and died accidentally?”

The Uber driver laughed again and looked in the rearview mirror to take in the appearance of his two customers. “Lots of questions from you both. I’m guessing neither of you are Buddhist?”

“We’re both irreligious,” Sunoo answered. 

“That’s fine. But let me ask you another question- what do you guys think nirvana is?”

“End of life once you achieve enlightenment?” Sunghoon answered.

“Not really. It’s actually something you achieve while you are alive. So let’s say you’ve been an exceptionally kind person and you work hard to remove anger and greed from yourself. Realistically, you could actually achieve nirvana then.” 

“So you’re saying that our… ghost could actually be a Bodhisattva who just wants to stay back and help people?” Sunoo asked. Sunghoon noticed how his eyebrows were furrowed in deep thought now.

“Yeah. Why not? I mean, is it really that difficult to imagine people giving up the idea of a peaceful eternal bliss to stay back and help people?” 

Sunoo and Sunghoon both had grown up in a world where kindness to this extent was seen as plain naïvety. But throughout the past few weeks, they had realised not only the importance of kindness, but also how abundant it was in the actual world. 

Aoki-san’s selfless helping of the two of them, Sunoo forgiving Sunghoon after realising a deep and mature truth about the both of them, Riki’s cousin sharing an experience that must have been personal to him just to help two men he didn’t even know, the driver answering their questions patiently- were these all not examples of kindness?

The world is always constantly healing and making itself anew. Is it not because of the kindness of millions of people around the world? Sunghoon and Sunoo’s heart seemed to settle completely as they thought of this- both unaware of the similar realisation going through the other’s mind. 

“The person we knew… for her, it does make a lot of sense,” Sunoo replied.

The driver fixed his gaze in the rearview mirror for a few seconds as he gave a smile to his two clients. “Trust me, it makes a lot of sense for a lot of people around the world. Kindness runs the world. And your ghost knows that well.” 

As the conversation ceased, Sunghoon fixed his attention on the song playing in the stereo of the car. He could vaguely place it as a Miki Matsubara song, but he wasn’t sure if he really knew the title. 

“The song…” He started. 

“Oh, Wash? It’s a song by Miki Matsubara.”

“Ah. Wash is the title?”

“Yep. Great song, isn’t it? Miki was an amazing singer.”

“Hmm. It was too sad what happened to her.”

“Yeah. I’m just glad I got to see her once in my youth. She was an exceptionally talented singer.” 

Wait. See her? Sunghoon did not understand this. If the man was truly in his late 20s, how could he have ever seen a singer who died in 2004? That too, in his youth…?

Sunghoon carefully considered something before choosing to ask it after a few minutes.

“So, exactly how many of these Bodhisattvas remain back on Earth?”

The man laughed. “You’re a funny one, kid.”

Kid?

“How would we ever calculate the number?”

Sunghoon had to concede that the man had a point. He glanced at Sunoo now, who he assumed would also be just as confused.

To his surprise, Sunoo was smiling.

“I’m guessing there are many?” Sunoo said, smile still intact on his face. 

“Mm-hmm. More than you guys think,” The man said as he sent a wink to his two passengers. “But anyway, gentlemen, we have reached your stop.”

They were at Sunghoon’s apartment now. Neither of the passengers had even realised this.

“You have to pay me 2400 yen in cash. But since I don’t like the number 24 very much and you both have been good company, I’ll give you a discount. You only need to pay me 1800 yen.”

“Can we… actually do that?”

“I mean, I’m the one who has to confirm you guys paid me in cash so...” 

Sunoo passed over 1800 yen to the driver as they got ready to move out of the car.

“Wait,” Sunghoon said before he disembarked. “Thank you. You really helped.”

The driver flashed the two men a youthful smile. “Not sure if I really did. But sure. I’ll accept the thanks.”

“You’re too humble,” Sunoo said as they finally alighted. 

As the two men stood beside the car now, the driver lowered his window. 

“Oh and,” He started. 

“Yeah?”

“Remember that the beings you guys describe as ghosts come in a variety of forms and for a variety of purposes. Some of them just like answering all kinds of burning questions, you know. Maybe this is the best way they can help.”

Saying this, he drove away with a wink. 

Sunghoon stood dumbfounded on the sidewalk. Sunoo gave a laugh. 

That night, they did not find the ramen shop. But they had expected this. So the two men walked back, hand-in-hand, peaceful smiles on their faces indicating how serene they felt now. Aoki-san had left an imprint of herself in their lives. And that was enough to please them and remember her contribution.

2 months later, Sunoo laid on his stomach in Sunghoon’s bed, reading the last book he had bought from 198 Days. He munched on his chips as he pouted slightly. 

“You’re so cute,” Sunghoon said after he swivelled around in his desk chair to see Sunoo.

“You’re a simp,” Sunoo replied.

Sunghoon laughed. “That was not an English word I was expecting to hear after so long.”

“You deserve it. I’m literally just reading and you called me cute.”

“Well, A) Because you are. And B) Because you’re literally pouting right now.”

“Oh,” Sunoo said with slight surprise. “I guess because the book is ending.”

“Do literature students get really sad when a book is ending?” 

Sunoo smiled and sat up excitedly. “Some do. Sometimes we’re just glad a book is over because it was a drag. But sometimes, a book is too good. And you never want it to end. Like this one.”

At this, Sunoo shook the book in his hands. As he did so, a neatly folded paper fell out of the last page. 

“What’s that?” Sunghoon asked as Sunoo picked up the paper and opened it. 

Sunghoon saw the younger man’s eyes widen as he took in the contents of the paper. 

“No way.”

“What?” 

Sunoo showed him the paper. 

It was a recipe. More precisely, it was a handwritten recipe for Tonkotsu ramen.

“Oh.” On the bottom right was scribbled a small note.

Eat well, Sunghoon and Sunoo. The healing power of this Tonkotsu ramen will always stay with you.

“How did she even…?” Sunoo asked in awe. But soon, a wide smile broke on his face. 

Sunghoon couldn’t help but smile too. “She can do anything, I guess.”

Sunoo chuckled. “I mean, if she and her ramen could bring us together, then slipping a ramen recipe into a book your customer is currently reading but has never shown you is the easiest thing she could do.”

“Aoki-san, you’re amazing,” Sunghoon remarked as he chuckled lightly too. 

“Thank you for bringing us together,” Sunoo added as he grinned towards Sunghoon’s direction. 

“Yeah. Thank you for bringing back this angel into my life.”

“Hikari?”

“Yes, Hiro?”

“I don’t think I’m enjoying being an Uber driver a lot.”

Hikari laughed. “I told you it’s not the best profession if you want to be someone who answers important questions for people.” 

“But I do look handsome as a 28 year old. So I guess I’ll stay for some time.”

Hikari chuckled again. “And me? What about me as a 70 year old?”

“I think you always look beautiful.”

Despite her age, Hikari blushed even now as she heard her husband’s words.

“But Hiro…”

“Hmm?”

“You know you can leave if you want to, right? You don’t have to follow me everywhere I go. Eternal bliss sounds… good. Really freeing.”

“Hmm. Then why haven’t you chosen it, love?” 

“Because I want to help these kids who are struggling so much. I don’t want them to face what Hayate did.”

“Me too, love. I like helping people. But I also want to follow you wherever you are. Eternal bliss wouldn’t be bliss without you, Hikari.”

“I thought we were supposed to get rid of attachments as enlightened creatures.”

“Love is not just an attachment. The selfless love we hold for each other is in itself a form of kindness.”

Hikari smiled. “My Hirohito, always good with words.”

Hikari could hear Hiro chuckle in her mind. “Anyway, I liked your last two customers a lot. They seemed pleased today when I helped them out. But I’m really curious who will choose you now.”

Hikari chuckled.

“Well, whoever needs me will find me, right?”

The sound of a pencil scribbling a recipe on a paper broke the silence of the ramen shop. A citypop song played in the background, complementing the photograph of a woman and her husband at a small concert in the 80s. Aoki-san hummed along to the song in contentment. Her face soon lifted into a pleasant smile as she saw the noren being lifted. 

“Welcome to Aoki’s ramen shop!”