Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It always was second nature to him.
Protectiveness, wariness… That's just how it always was with him. He expected danger to hide behind every corner and he did everything to keep those who mattered to him safe from it.

But maybe, as he surrounded himself with people of the same nature over the years, maybe he got a little rusty in certain fields.

But he was always willing to give up his life for them, that part was so ingrained in his being, it was so natural to him, just how breathing or blinking is.

“Watch out, Cole!”

A lot of the things that happened were distant. As if he was peeking through a curtain, through a milky glass into a room filled with vapour. He knew he was the one springing into action and yet he was the spectator.

At least until the moment he blocked the shot and the weird dark mist or cloud or whatever those things produced surrounded him. At first, he was able to see the particles, he was able to see his surroundings but the cloud grew and grew until there was nothing surrounding him but the neverending dark. Even the sounds from the battle that was just happening all around him drowned out.

Kai felt like falling. No. It was something similar but too vague. He felt like riding an elevator. It was for a short moment but he felt the odd pull, as if there was some hook wanting to lift him up but the person was too afraid to put all of their strength into it.

And then, as if his mind was being flushed, he felt memories and thoughts slip through his figurative fingers. He couldn't do anything, just stare at them disappear right in front of his eyes. Helpless.

But was this really all that bad? a voice whispered. Kai just couldn't say whether or not it was his own.

Why was he here in the first place? He recalls pushing Cole out of the way…

As if on cue, as if he had summoned him, Cole made his way into the darkness. An odd look on his face but there were no signs of any injury. Besides the huge scar across his eye that will forever serve as a reminder of how thin the line between life and death can be. Everyone is just a performer after all and it is so, so easy to lose balance, to misstep, to fall off the rope…

Were those his own thoughts? Kai couldn't say.

He was trying to protect him, was that right? So seeing him safe and sound is great news then! Let's go and hug him, just how you always do!

Kai ran towards Cole, feeling the smile on his face.

That's right. Be happy. He's safe.

However, Cole never hugged him back and Kai's smile was quick to turn into a frown. He pulled away, keeping the earth ninja at an arm's length.

“Is something wrong?” he asked, the expression on Cole's face making him want to go curl up somewhere and hide.

“Something wrong?” Cole echoed. He pushed him away and Kai stumbled, barely managing to stand on his legs. “Look what you've done! Look where you got yourself! Is that not wrong to you?”

“But you're safe…” Kai mumbled, clutching his side as he frowned at Cole. Doubts began to sprout in his heavy mind. Perhaps it wasn't him?

Just take a proper look, what's different? Nothing. Just good old Cole.

But he's…

You know, the one you're in love with? It's him. Why would I lie to you? You don't have to doubt me, I would never lie to you, you know that.

Cole threw his hands in the air and advanced towards Fire. “So that's how it is, huh? As long as I'm safe, why should anything else matter? It's like that with everybody else, right? Your sister, the green ninja, the others.” He poked his chest and Kai stumbled some more as he tried to back away.

“What are you on?”

“What if you're dead right now, what then? Who will protect your precious little family then?”

Kai shook his head, his eyes feeling oddly heavy. “I don't under–”

He never saw the punch coming. He doubled over as pain shot from his stomach like a volcano erupting. Another punch came just then, hitting his cheek and making him fall on the pitch black ground.

Everything felt so vivid and yet so hazy at the same time. The pain felt so real but not at the same time. He saw bubbles bursting in his mind, microscopic droplets of soap water flying off in every direction. Something was there, then it was gone, then it was there just partly. He was so confused about his situation but it was as if there was something blocking him from thinking about it further.

Before he could muster up any whined complaint, the most beautiful person in the universe held him up by the collar of his red gi, bringing their faces so close, Kai could feel the warm breath on his face and neck.

“Look how pathetic you are,” he hissed. “Is it worth the pain, Kai? Tell me – is it?”

The glow in his eyes made him shake his head. He had never seen Earth look at something – someone with so much fury and disgust. Especially not Kai himself.

And just as he though that, those eyes melted into one of the soft looks he's gotten used to over the years of living with the ninja. He felt all of the pain and negative emotions wash away. Just how his thoughts did when he came here.

Something's wrong.

“You know I love you, right?” Cole asked. Kai looked down at Cole's hands, his knuckles were turning pale given the strength with which he clutched the blood-coloured fabric. The orange detailing on Cole's clothes went nicely along with it. Kai always liked the fact that their clothes went along well together, even if it may have been pure coincidence.

“I just don't like seeing you like this…” he muttered, shaking his head softly. Then, tender, as if handling a little duckling, Cole placed him down and stood up, offering his hand to help. Kai accepted it without hesitation, used to holding Cole's hands all the time.

But the black ninja had different intentions and instead of pulling him up, he sent him flying in the other direction. Kai hit the ground a few times, each with another grunt of pain. He whimpered as he tried to get up. Everything felt so much harder than usual, as if he was swimming in a jar of honey. Everything hurt several times more, as if his body was sore from some previous fight. But the only fight he could recall…

Can you hear me?

“Why?” he finally gasps. His head turned to the side, he watches Cole's feet get step by step closer to him, making no sound.

“My, my, you really got soft, didn't you, Firefly? That's what they call you now?” Kai swallowed. There was something very wrong about Cole's laugh.

Come on, please! Open your pretty eyes for me, will you?

“This is what happens when you fail to watch your back. Where did all that cautiousness go? Did you really think you were safe? Consider this an act of mercy. A little wake up to snap you back to reality.”

Reality…

“Please don't,” Kai begged when he sensed the other ninja move closer to him again. His mind was mostly blank, he just knew he was going through so much pain. That's what he was told.

“Oh, what's that?” Cole stopped, tilting his head to the side. The smirk hurt even more than everything else Kai was just going through. “I thought you liked this? That's why you do what you do, no? Do you not enjoy the pain? I thought it was for the greater good.”

“I didn't even do anything!” Kai snapped, his words echoing strangely across the space. It didn't sound as if he was in a tunnel or anything similar, his voice just kept talking again and again, slowly losing it's volume. As if there were more Kais saying the same thing, perfectly synchronised. He had no idea what was going on but he was fed up with the helpless, weak feeling that was spreading through his entire being. He was the master of fire, no one and definitely not Cole will make him feel small and fragile like that.

Cole clicked his tongue in distaste and before Kai knew it, he was hanging in the air, the collar of his gi once again in the possession of Cole's rough hands that would usually never touch or hold him like such. He wiggled his feet but there was no steady ground beneath him. The only good outcome from his current position was the fact that now it was Kai who was looking down at the other.

“Look at you.” The voice. It was wrong. Everything was so wrong.

This isn't not Cole. It's not Cole, it's not Cole.

Yes, Kai, it's me, I'm here!

“History never fails to repeat itself, does it? First Icarus, now you. Give them wings and they'll fly. Unless the sun's involved… You let your guard down and now you're nothing. Just a shell of something that used to be. Empty. Powerless. Useless. Weak. Was it worth it?”

His breath trembled, igniting an explosion of fury inside the red ninja. He kicked his stronger leg, hitting Cole somewhere under his knee. It was good enough, however, if Kai could see what he was doing, it would be more convenient. Nevertheless, he was free of Cole's grasp and as he landed on the ground he got up as quickly and backed away from whatever this Cole was.

Come on, Firefly, stay strong!

He panted as he watched a wicked smile crawl onto Cole's face. The black ninja was bent over, clutching his leg, trying to regain his composure. Soon enough, his laugh filled Kai's ears and despite there not being any weather, he shivered.

“Feisty as always,” he commented, standing back up. “I could never expect more from you.”

As much as he was filled with hatred and fear there was something magnetic about this Cole. Something that still made him want to come closer and let his strong arms embrace him. But at the same time, Kai wished to go as far as possible. He never wanted to see that wild look in those eyes. He felt his body shake, there were too many reasons for that to happen.

His expression softened all at once again. “Come on, Kai, you know I'm just messing with you,” he said, voice honey-sweet. “Of course, I, Cole, would never hurt you. That's what you believe, right? Because I'm so kind, that's why you fell in love with me, right?”

He was getting close again and all Kai could do was stand, as if frozen in place. He stared at him, mind blank as if somebody kept erasing his thoughts. He wanted to break free of the chains whatever they were. Somewhere deep in his gut he felt that everything was wrong, that he needed to get out, that this Cole wasn't his Cole. Yet there were his soft hands, tenderly, carefully caressing his entire body. Their noses brushed against each other. Cole brushed some strands of hair out of Kai's face, his hand hovering there, his fingers brushing against his skin like the gentle spring breeze.

Hair that he messed up when he—

“Shh, calm down, Spark, it's all right. You don't have to hide your feelings here. You know I love you.” Kai found himself closing his eyes, listening to each (venomously) soft-spoken word, soaking them all up like dry ground after a long-overdue rain. He felt Cole's lips brush against his as the black ninja spoke and it felt so vivid.

Just the same way the pain did when Cole pushed him on the ground once more. Kai struggled to stay on all-fours.

“Get up,” he demanded.

“I can't!” Kai wailed. His arms shook and his vision became blurry as he stared at them. Anger and defeat fought inside of him for the throne.

Please. Please.

I'm here, dearest, I'm here. I'm right here.

Invisible yet warm fingers intertwined with his. It felt like two puzzle pieces clasping together.

You're so strong. So brave. So—

“So pathetic.” He grabs his hair, pulling his head backwards. Kai stares sideways into the darkest eyes he's ever seen. The wild look was back in them again. A strange gleam that terrified Kai just by the mere sight of it.

“Look at you, letting your emotions get the best out of yourself again. First it was your short temper, now you have another weakness. Isn't that just adorably pathetic? How a few chemicals and mere attractiveness can make you more vulnerable than a little duck without its mother? Have you learnt nothing? Come on, Kai, you're better than this. If you die, who will be there to do your job? Isn't that selfish? Leave your work to others? That's not very nice, is it?”

“Who… are you?” he panted, never tearing his eyes away from those two black holes.

Several voices warped together, as if somebody was trying to blend two kinds of dough together. For a second he thought he was looking into a mirror, then he saw his sister turn to a blond in green gi, then a serpentine was raising her staff with an excited twinkle in her eyes but before she could do anything, Cole was grinning at him again and he let go of his hair, making Kai collide with the ground again. He was quick to clench his ears as the voices got louder and louder, each morphing on its own accord. He saw the feet next to his head change colour and shapes, probably as the person kept changing into various people. Kai sobbed in pain, unable to block out the gradually rising noise. He kicked his legs but there was no point, he was too consumed by the incredible pain to get up from the ground.

You said you'll protect me! That I was safe!

You're so selfish, did you know that? Everything is always about you, isn't it?

Kai.

You're not good enough to be the green ninja. You're lucky you can still be on the team.

He doesn't love you.

Kai!

She doesn't care about you. She has somebody else to take care of her now.

You're just a burden to them. Always so reckless, always so hot-headed. And where did that get you?

“What? Do you not recognise me?”

Kai's breath shook. He managed to turn on his back, which probably wasn't much of a good progress. Cole kneeled, hovering above him. Kai stared at his morphing face through the unshed tears, his grip on his ears loosening as Cole reached out to caress his cheek.

Come back to me, Firefly.

He leaned close to his ears pulling Kai's hand away. His breath and lips tickled him and Kai squirmed underneath his body, unable to break free, never able to break free. His cells were on fire, Cole knew exactly what to do, which buttons to push, which places to touch, which to tease.

Kai may have been lost in the darkness but he was falling rather into it with each moment that passed looking into his eyes. “You can never run away,” he murmured and Kai heard and understood every word clear as day. “We'll always be there. Because that's how good of friends we are.”

Something you can't say about yourself.

When Kai blinked, everything seemed way brighter than before he closed his eyes. He had to blink several more times to get used to the light but it seemed that was the only thing different.

Cole's face was hovering over him, a kind smile crowning his lips. Kai's head was cradled by his hands in his lap.

“How are you doing? That was one nasty trip. I'm sorry you took it for me, I should've been more careful.”

The evil gleam flashed through Cole's eyes and Cole felt like falling down with the elevator.

“You know I'll protect you.”

Chapter Text

“It appears there were some strong hallucinogens mixed in but that's all as far as we know. It's a strange substance and we're having hard time depicting all of it.”

“But he'll be fine, right?”

“It doesn't seem that he shouldn't be. I would compare it to having a bad trip. Once it gets out of his system, Kai should be back to normal.”

“I'm concerned about the amount he inhaled.”

“And you're certain no one else did as well?”

“No. Kai was the only one hit. And we all had our hoods on. No one feels weird, right?”

There sounded a chorus of no's.

“Let's just let him get some rest.”

“What about the… the black thing?”

“I'll look into it. But I'm not sure how helpful that will be.”

That morning, Kai woke up with a heavy chest. Perhaps just a feeling of a bad omen? Kai wasn't really superstitious but he could trust his gut sometimes. Except it was his chest... Maybe just an intense dream.

He was quick to forget about it as he went on with his day. Hygiene, breakfast (sitting next to Cole whose next step Kai never knew and it was constantly sending him on edge), training… The usual.

He would've liked to switch seats with someone but their seating was the same for years now and it just felt odd to suddenly switch it up. But each time Cole raised his hand Kai had to use all of his will not to flinch and alarm him.

"You all right, buddy?"

"Just tired." He never dared to look into his piercing eyes that seemed to rip him apart as they drilled into him. Instead, he was focusing on the food on his plate. Yet, the heaviness in his chest came back crashing and Kai had to excuse himself. Just need to get some fresh air, he said, convincing both his family, the black ninja, and himself.

It was fine, however, he can get ahead with stretching, maybe he could train on his own a little before the others join him.

And so he did. As his focus shifted to all the precise movements of his body, all the possible combinations and hits, he forgot all about his chest and he could breathe freely just like usual. As if his sweat washed it all away.

Waves on a beach. Sand. Small. Insignificant.

"Didn't I say he'll be here?" The others joined him, ready to train and go on with their routine. Sometimes Wu let them do their thing, some other times, like today, he took control over the training. They were supposed to pair up and spar. Jay didn't hesitate to go join Zane and Nya went right away to Lloyd, as if they had agreed to it before. With that, Kai knew who his opponent will be and he refused to turn and face him. How could they do this to him?

"Guess it's just me and you again. Ready for a rematch?" Cole said from behind him, his voice as carefree as ever with a hint of competitiveness in it. Kai turned his head slightly, just to have his shadow in his field of view. "If I remember correctly, last time I totally crushed you."

He had to turn. He had to face him and pretend everything was fine because that was what he was supposed to do, right? Otherwise there will be mote questions and questions made Kai's chest heavy. But through the vicious scowl on the earth ninja's face, Kai couldn't see the kind smile with a playful tinkle in his eyes. They were overcast with that shadow that haunted him. This couldn't possibly be his Cole, how come no one else saw it?

"What? Cat got your tongue? Or did Jay jinx you again?" 'Cole' steadied his stance, ready to begin the fight. Kai followed suit. Deep breath. In through his nose, out through his mouth.

"Nah, I'm just getting ready to wipe that smirk off your face." He didn't understand how he sounded just how the other ninja did. Calm, competitive. As if it was only friendly banter.

It used to be.

Earth made the first step but Kai was quick to dodge. That's what he did most of the time lately. Dodge, dodge, dodge, block. Out of the way, don't let him get to you. Don't let him touch you. Don't let his skin brush against yours. Don't let his fingers brush through your hair, don't let those eyes look into yours.

Kai fell to the ground as he tripped him but he was quick to recover. Jumping back into action like an acrobatic cat. Satisfied smile on Black's face.

And back to the dance routine - jump, duck, roll away, away from his punches and kicks, away from his poisonous words. Away, away, away. He had to escape, that's what Cole was whispering to him at night.

But these thoughts - these memories - they made him stumble, they always made him an easy target, giving Earth an opening to strike a hit.

And Kai found himself pinned to the ground. Helpless. Stuck in one position. Stuck to face the worst. Stuck to get lost in the realm of possibilities of what the earth ninja could do. He squirmed under him but it was to no use. No matter what he does, Earth will always be stronger than him.

You will always be weaker than him.

But he didn't want to go back. And his legs were left unattended.

So Kai flared up and kicked his abdomen, sending him in the air and away from Kai's personal space, setting himself free. Kai closed his eyes and tried to steady his shaky breath. But at least his chest was lighter again. That was until the voices came.

"Cole! Are you all right?"

"What happened?"

"Nya, quick! Extinguish the fire!"

Fire?

Kai sat up to see his family surrounding Cole who seemed to lay on the ground just how Kai was. He could hear his pained groans even over all those concerned words they kept saying. They also kept glancing at him and Kai couldn't understand their meaning, what was hidden in all those pairs of eyes.

"Let's take you to the infirmary," said Zane and they bent to pick Earth up. Jay and Zane were on both his sides, leading him back inside and Kai got a chance to see the damage. The burnt gi and the red chest peeking from underneath it. Nya and Lloyd followed them, opening the door for them, without anyone paying any mind to Kai except to glance at him with what he decided to take as anger.

But he was in danger!

You can never run away.

"Kai, are you all right?" He recognised the sweet and tender voice even without seeing her. She put her hand on his shoulder and looked at him in a different way than the others.

"Just shaken up a little."

"What happened?"

"I don't know."

"Why did y-"

"I don't know, Pixal."

She stared into his eyes, her own flashing green. She helped him up and led him inside as well but away from the murmuring voices.

"Let's go to the lab, I need to check something."

They never were too much into chemistry. None of them. So there wasn't a special room dedicated to it like there was for all their tinkering and engineering. Pixal had to improvise and she turned a lone corner of the underground base to an amateur chemistry station. This was also one of the reasons why their attempts to understand the weird substance took so long and still wasn't perfected. There was nothing mystical about it. Just chemistry. Apparently this was their weakness and so, she decided to focus on this are more. There was not much of a need to focus on the mechs anyway and even if, Zane, Jay and Nya could always lend a hand without her needing to ask.

She sat Kai down on a chair and turned the computers on. All of her notes were on the screen. Everything she uncovered so far. She borrowed a lot of stuff from the med bay as well since this experiment included examining Kai. Because she had an uneasy feeling.

Ever since they brought him in, half-conscious, she watched him to see anything strange. Since their lack of knowledge about the substance was critical, Kai was their only sample. She didn't like thinking of him as a test subject but that's what he sort of became.

"You've been acting strange lately," she commented off-handedly as she prepared to measure his blood pressure. Kai just sat still. One of the things that made her uneasy.

He's been distancing himself from Cole which blared alarms in her head because until that day, they were inseparable. And now Kai barely dared to even look his direction. One would think they had a fight or some sort of an argument. Perhaps they hurt each other. But when she asked the others, they all said the same thing. They seemed fine, just like always, flirting while fighting and all... And Cole swore they didn't argue that day or any day before at all. If he hurt him, he didn't know about it and Kai didn't say anything.

"Kai?"

"I'm fine," he said like he always did. "Just tired."

"But you've been sleeping well, no?"

He didn't say anything in response. Just shrugged.

Pixal watched the screen and said, "Your blood pressure is higher than usual. Is there something stressing you out?"

"... No." She didn't fail to notice the hesitation.

Next she took a blood sample and Kai didn't acknowledge it in any way. Usually he wasn't comfortable in the presence of needles. He just sat still and let her do the work.

Now, of course Pixal was aware this very well could just be shock from what happened at the training grounds. But this wasn't a one-time occasion. She wished it was. This way, she was lost in the dark and that was something her calculative mind didn't appreciate.

Putting the vial aside, she prepared to listen to Kai's heart and lungs. That was when she noticed it.

"Do you have trouble breathing?"

"No."

"Do you feel anything in your chest? Pain? Maybe some sensation? Tingling, coldness, warmth? Anything?"

"It felt a little heavy today."

"Just today?"

"Hm."

Being a nindroid sure had its perks. "Take the top half of your gi off."

"Why?" Kai asked as if it bothered him despite already getting his arms out of the sleeves.

"I need a scan of your lungs." Her eyes flashed some more and just as she suspected - "I'm afraid some of it is still in there."

"Wouldn't that kill me?"

"I assume your body might be considering it phlegm. But there may be a chance of lethality if there's an excessive amount. Did you have cough recently?"

"No." And this time she knew he was being honest. His short answers didn't help anything though, only furthered her worry.

"Do you hallucinate? Or have a feeling like it? Do you feel in any way strange? Like you may be under the influence perhaps?"

Kai glances at Cole on the other side of the room. He's leaning against the wall, his arms crossed right in front of his chest. As a spectator he watches the interaction, piercing eyes steady, boring into his, listening to everything he says.

"No."

Pixal turns her head only to find that they're still alone. There's nothing particularly interesting about the wall.

"Are you sure?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"What happened when you got hit by the projectile?"

Her questions were sharp and quick, as if they were the projectiles. Kai felt that there was no escape from her intense gaze.

"I don't know, I passed out!"

"Did you dream? Do you remember something strange from that day?"

"No, I was passed out!"

"Are you certain?"

"Yes!"

She hummed. "Very well, then." And Kai felt the restraints loosen. "I will need you to drink a lot of liquids. In the meantime I'll try to get some medication for you. Maybe we could treat this as standard phlegm build up. However, I'll need you to come for check ups. You can go for now."

With a sigh Kai quickly put on his gi properly and left in a rush to get away from them both.

You can never run away.

He found solace in the arms of his own bedroom. At least he made himself think so.

Pixal left the computer to scan the blood sample while she walked into the monastery's med bay. Cole was there alone in the company of health kits and more beeping machines. He was half-naked, his chest covered with some cream. The ninja perked up at her appearance and smiled at her, as if nothing ever happened, as if she was just going to hang out with him in their free time.

"Hey Pix," he greeted in the good old Cole cheery voice.

"Hello, Cole, how are you faring?"

"Zane said it's nothing serious, I just have to use some cream and be careful with it but no bad burns. It's just a little red and sore. My gi, however..."

She couldn't help the smile but it was quickly wiped off as well.

"You were there when Kai got hit, right?" She went straight to the point.

"Yeah. Why?" Of course he was.

"Did you notice anything weird about him? Or was he just passed out?"

Cole thought for a moment, recalling the memory that kept itching his brain. "He was shaking a lot... and constantly muttering something. At some point he was saying my name too but I don't think he heard me talking to me. Or even knew I was there until he woke up."

Pixal hummed and nodded, sorting all of the information in her mind. Cole was curiously watching her.

"Why? How's Kai doing? Did something happen to him?"

"I found out that the black substance is still in his lungs."

"I'm guessing that's not very good news..."

"It could explain his strange behaviour. It probably has still some effect on him, whatever it is, whatever it makes him hallucinate."

"You're saying he's still hallucinating?"

"I'm not sure. Although I assume he is. Perhaps that's the reason for his blast at the training."

"That maybe he saw something else and it scared him?"

"It is a plausible theory."

Cole looked down, shaking his head softly. "I should've known. I should've been more careful with him."

"No one could do more for him, Cole. Whatever is happening to him, it's entirely in his head, all of it. It's way more difficult to treat such things."

"But I should've been more there for him!"

"You're doing your best, Cole."

"I could be doing better."

She sighed. They were both stubborn, in the end. Cole's rock-solid beliefs and Kai's fiery determination were both of the same nature at heart.

"Make sure he drinks a lot." And with that, she left, because she knew Cole will come running to Kai to mend the invisible wound despite being warned of the difficulty. Sometimes you just had to get out of the way of those forces and let them do their thing before you can assess the damage.

However, perhaps there was a chance that the stubbornness could lead them somewhere. Perhaps to some answers.

And if Cole's won't, her's will. Her's always will because she will force it if it won't.

She barely came out of the lab for the rest of the day.

After dinner, when Kai didn't show up as well - which the rest took as him feeling remorse and shame - Cole decided to bring the red ninja some food. For stomach and for thought.

"How are you feeling?" Cole noted how Kai didn't tell him to come in or how carefully he opened the door as if danger was waiting there, how he didn't light up as usual when Cole came to hang out with him. It hurt. Deep down Cole felt the pain. Deep, where he pushed all of the other feelings. He missed his smirks and smiles. They were never thrown his way anymore. Not that he smiled at the others much as well.

"I'm fine. Thanks for the food, I lost track of time." Kai's voice was almost monotone. As if he revised every line to memorise it but failed to give it any emotion. It was perhaps even worse than the time Zane turned off his emotions.

The room remained silent after that. Cole heard only their breath and Kai's chewing. At least he's eating, at least he's keeping himself healthy, whispered a soothing voice Cole sometimes mistook for his mother's. It was his, he was certain of that, but it sounded just like her. As if a part of her was still there with him, still by his side, guiding him when it got too dark. He needed her guiding hand right now because Kai's fire was gone, he felt it. Stepping. into his room didn't feel as warm and welcoming anymore and it broke Cole's heart. Thrice. As his friend, as his brother, and as his secret admirer. And he felt like the eleven-year-old he once was again, losing, losing the people he cared for. Their hand slipping from his.

"Did I do something to you, Kai?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. But it was fine because the room was ringing with silence anyway.

He stared at his back as Kai's head turned slightly to the side. Lately they were talking only like this. Kai's back to him. A protective shell - a wall - in between. And he couldn't find the right hammer to break it down.

"No, you didn't." Automated. Almost like a reflex.

"And in a dream? Did I do something to you in some dream?"

Silence.

"You know that I would never hurt you on purpose, right? I want you to know that. I wouldn't want to hurt you. Ever."

Kai seemed to turn more to him. This was his chance. Like taming an animal, like catching fish. You just have to be patient, wait for it to come on its own. Offer the goods, offer the truth and they will come. Careful, tender, don't let the string break. Like walking on thin ice.

"You mean a lot to me, Kai. I don't want to lose you. And especially not for something a false imagination of me did, if that's what happened." His breath shook but his hands were steady. Careful. Deep breath. Don't make a noise. No harsh movements. "Because I'm here, okay? You can always talk to me. I don't care if you come to me in the middle of the night I just want to know that you're okay."

He's almost fully facing him now except his eyes are scanning the ground between them. There's barely any food left on his plate.

Cole walked closer, still slow and careful, waiting if he'll make the wrong step. But Kai doesn't move. That's a good sign, right?

"I almost forgot. I've got you something to drink too. Pixal said you should keep hydrated."

It's his own water bottle but he doesn't mind giving it to Kai to drink out of it. They borrow almost everything all the time.

They used to.

Kai stares at it, contemplates it, then puts it aside along with the almost empty plate, his back to Cole again. He misstepped and the ice cracks now.

"Thanks," says Kai. "But you should go now." And Cole goes because he doesn't want to drown in the ice cold water.

Cole never leaves his side. He's always there, every minute of every day. At the check ups with Pixal, at his trainings, even when he spends his free time with his family. He's always there when he goes to sleep and when he wakes up.

Pixal gives him some medicine and tells him for what could be the hundredth time to drink as much as he can. And he would but Cole warns him it's dangerous and it's probably a revenge for what he's done to Earth so he should stay alert.

He falls asleep in his arms and he wakes up to see his eyes. It goes like that for at least another week. Earth's chest is fine by then but they don't let him spar together anymore.

Good. Now you're a bit safer again.

They keep glancing at him and asking the same question over and over he even dreams of it.

They hate you now they want to see you break, says his mind. But you're strong, aren't you? Yes, I can feel it. You're strong and they don't appreciate it enough because they're afraid. But I know someone who will never be afraid of your power. You're so strong, I always loved that about you. So full of determination, it's admirable.

Cole does that. He's always been like that and Kai always loved him for it. He keeps telling him comforting words at any chance he gets. He's nice, he's sweet, and Kai loves him with his whole heart. Not like the other one that hurts him.

He hurt you. And he'll do it again, just look at him. You're not safe. But I know a safe place.

That night Kai lies in his bed, staring at the ceiling. His hand is on his stomach (that was still filled with the food the black ninja brought him as he always did because Kai kept avoiding the dining room), just more weight. His chest is tight but it's fine, he can breathe. Cole's right next to him, laying on his side, caressing him lovingly like he always does. Kai's gaze shifts to his eyes and he falls into the dark again, it swirls and twists and turns around him. Is that how Cole's fingers feel when he brushes them through his hair?

It feels nice and he closes his eyes in delight. It's what he secretly yearned for and now it was here and he enjoyed every second of it. Cole loved him.

"I think you're ready," he whispers.

"What do you have in mind?" Kai asks. They usually don't hold conversations at night. Cole just lies next to him, keeps him company, tells him how much he loves him. He loves him.

"I want you to meet my family."

"But-"

"No, no, Kai. My family. Yes, I want you to meet them."

"When?"

"How about right now?"

"Now?"

"Yes, now, dear. Get up." And so Kai does. He listens to what Cole tells him to do because Cole has his best interest in mind and he knows what to do. Kai can't work without him. He's reckless and hot-headed and unreliable. Cole isn't. Cole told him that. And Kai wants to be better, doesn't he? So he listens.

"I know a better place," Cole whispers again, his voice soft with promises. "You won't be a burden to them there, no, in fact, they are very excited to meet you. They're very nice, I'm sure you will love them. And they will love you. They won't judge you, they won't fear you. You will be very, very helpful. Isn't that nice? You will serve them well. Isn't that something you'd like? That's what you always wanted, to be useful, helpful. You can. With my family, you can be those things. You won't let anyone down ever again. And I'll be there with you. Forever. Just you and me, we won't have to hide anymore. You won't have to hide. Just don't forget that I love you." Cole kept circling him as they stood in the middle of his room. Round and around until he was dizzy and the words spun in his mind as well. He felt like the middle of a record player and Cole spun around him and played the most beautiful songs. Cole was a beautiful melody.

"Come with me, darling."

With his guidance, they walk outside the monastery into the quiet night. Kai's body quickly adjusts to the chill, just how it always does. It was dark out here but that didn't matter because Cole was with him. They make their way down the steps, stepping onto the courtyard's ground, Cole holding his hand as he leads. They cross it all the way to the gate.

Escape.

It's closed but everything is all right, they can open it.

And then you'll be free.

Kai nods eagerly. He wants that.

"How long will it take?" he wonders out loud.

"It's quite the walk but it will be worth it, don't worry."

So he goes to the gate and he puts his hands against it and he-

Cole spoke up once again, from behind him. "Kai?"

He whips around. Earth stands there, by the door he's holding open. His voice slashed through the peaceful silence of the night and it doesn't bother him not one bit.

He sees the flash in his eyes again and as the earth ninja stepped forward on the porch, Kai made a step back. He doesn't even have to reach back with his hand, it's right there. One step and the cold metal is going to stab through his back. He waits for any more movement but it appears the ninja has decided to linger in the shadows.

He doesn't want you to see the truth. He's hiding, came the whispers. He felt the warm breath on his neck, making the hair on the back of his neck rise up and shivers run down his spine he almost shuddered.

"Kai, where are you going?"

"Nowhere."

"Then why are you outside?"

"Just getting fresh air." Next to him, Cole smiles and nods approvingly. The pat on his shoulder felt nice. Great job as if he was saying.

However, the other ninja wasn't convinced and he walked down the few small steps and got closer, closer to Kai. He didn't like it but his back was already pressed against the metal blocking his way out. The cold, heavy exit. He was meters away but Kai still felt like suffocating.

“You were leaving?”

“Of course not!”

“Then why were you trying to open the gate?”

“Why do you ask?” Asking instead of answering is always a good enough defence to at least regain your footing.

“Because I'm worried about you.”

“You don't have to.” Cole is right behind him, hugging him, caressing him. He's safe there. He will be safer outside. He has to find them.

“I can't help it.” The black ninja makes some more steps forward. “It just comes naturally to me, I guess,” he says. “I guess we're similar like that. You worry about us too, don't you? We worry about you.”

How could he know you better than I do?

“You worry about me? After all I've done?”

“You didn't do anything wrong.”

“I hurt you. You all hate me now, i can see it.”

“We don't hate you, we're just concerned! And you barely hurt me, I've been all right basically the moment Nya extinguished the fire.” Closer and closer, like a predator preparing to catch its prey. Slow and steady, always ready to strike. “Kai, you're not alone, we're here for you.”

Yes, you are! You are alone! But I can fix it! I can bring you to people better than them! Kai, look at me.

Kai turns to look at Cole. He has no other choice for Cole holds his chin. There's strange desperation in his eyes and they flash with something that plants the seeds of doubt in Kai's eyes.

You and I, we're closer than you two will ever be. He doesn't care about you the way I do. Don't listen to him, love. He'll never call you that. I can call you whatever you want. Sweetheart, baby, love, boyfriend, partner, husband, honey, dear, darling, whatever you want!

“Come on, Firefly, we'll figure this out together, all right?” He reaches out with his hand. Too close. When has he gotten so close?

Kai rises his hand, a fireball lightening up the courtyard. “Stay back!” He's scared. He's on a birder and he's scared. Balancing between two sides, both dark and unpredictable.

Co– Earth quickly drops his hand and backs away. Instead, his arms are up in a defensive gesture.

“Sorry. I'll stay here, is that okay?”

Kai, look at me. This is not what you want. He's lying! But I'm telling you the truth. I can make you useful! There won't be anyone to disappoint, just your presence there will be a positive achievement!

He hasn't spoken with Cole in a while, how could he still remember the way he talks?

What do you mean, we talk all the time!

Kai's chest is heavier and heavier, he has to take slow breaths.

Nya is on his other side, clutching him desperately.

Come on, brother, do this for me! Do this for me and I will finally be proud of you! I will forget all the times you've failed me, we will be able to throw them all behind us!

“Kai, are you seeing something?”

“You mean you?”

“Anything or anyone else? Am I standing somewhere else than here?” His arms are still up.

“Just you.”

A slow nod. He dares to make two slow steps closer once he sees Kai's fired up hand is lowered a little more. “I promise we'll figure this out. Whatever you're seeing – whatever it's saying – I don't think you can trust it. The chemicals are messing with you. But Pixal is really trying to help you. We both are. We all are. If you just let us–”

The medication!

Cole next to him groans in pain. Then he stands in front of him, blocking Kai the view of the earth ninja.

Don't trust him! He poisoned you! They're hiding things from you! He thinks you're crazy!

“Kai, please, please, I want to be there for you. Please let us help you. Come to your room. Somebody can keep you company if you need just please–”

You're useless without me! You're nothing! Just the pathetic failure I met days ago! You will never get all the love you want if you leave me now! And then you'll be back to your quiet moping around but Kai, I know all of your secrets, all of your aches and i can make them go away, I can replace them!

He's flickering there in the night and in the light of his fire. One second he's there, with that desperate furious scowl, the next Cole's there with his arms up, pleads drowning his honey-like eyes. They were always so kind.

I'm the one that didn't hurt you! But I sure will if you don't listen to me right now!

Kai feels dizzy. His world spins and he stumbles, darkness taking over the place once again. Then the cough comes. Violent, painful cough. And it won't stop. Kai feels like someone squeezed his lungs. Over and over someone is squeezing them to make his pain worse. When he drops to his knees, Kai can't even register the dull ache. All he feels is his lungs and the cough and the lack of air.

Cole. Cole is there by his side. He's trying ti straighten him, he's trying to help his get into a better position to free his chest but it's futile as his body convulses with the coughs. Kai can feel strength leave his body with each one. But Cole holds him, he holds him close and he screams something into the night.

I could've saved you. I could've led you to your salvation and instead you ran away when I said you could never.

Cough. “Pixal!” Cough. “Pixal!”

It's almost like they're synchronised. And there are fast footsteps as he feels himself slip and his chest get heavier and heavier despite trying ti free it of the pressure.

“You didn't tell anyone else?”

“I was preoccupied! Now, will you help me stabilise him!”

When he wakes up again, Cole is there by his side. Just like every day before that.

Chapter Text

A hand intertwined its fingers with his. He felt like he just had the worst sleep ever.

“I'm here, Kai, it's okay now.” He knew to whom that comforting voice belonged he just couldn't tell if it belonged to his Cole or his Cole.

“I'm here.”

And he cried because he couldn't see in his eyes what he should see.

.

Days passed and turned into weeks. Cole and Pixal barely left his side, usually switching so the other could get some rest. However, Cole was more adamant about staying with Kai and resulted to sleep in the worst positions just so he can be there for every breath Kai takes and for every single shift of his body.

The others kept coming to check up on him, bringing him something to eat, to drink, or some recap of what was going on outside the med bay.

And when they were alone, Cole told him everything. About how Pixal figured he wasn't taking the medication and he didn't drink as she advised him, how they spent hours together in the lab to figure out how to help him, how Cole began putting the meds in his food. He didn't have to tell Kai he regretted that the most, he could see it in his eyes. Cole was often quick to beat himself up over every hiccup, every mistake and now he was blaming himself for lying to Kai and almost causing him to die.

Apparently, whatever he inhaled and got stuck in his lungs had strong will to stay there and finish whatever it started. So when the medication worked how it should and the black substance was in danger of dissolving, it turned lethal. Some sort of a self-destruct mode.

Now it was supposed to be gone, out of his system, and Kai should be free. But he certainly didn't feel like so.

However, he did dare to open up. Mostly to Pixal but he was aware she told Cole what she deemed important. It was better this way because he couldn't look into Cole's eyes and admit that he fell for a hallucination of him because he was already head over heels for him.

He didn't say anything about the others.

To them it must've seem that the substance took advance of his feelings towards Cole and tried to twist them. And despite being free of its chains, Kai still heard the words it seeped into his mind. There was no doubt they were his. He felt all those things it said so many times he just always avoided it, ignored it. Deep, deep down there was a locked chamber and inside it was the beaten up version of him that felt like a burden. He locked it there and pretended everything was fine because it was easy.

At least he thought so.

And now, whatever it was, it unlocked the door, and all his failures came crawling back up and time was running out. He knew he was close to breaking. Something he managed to avoid for years was now at risk of destroying everything.

Kai was afraid when the day will come. When everything will get spilled and he will have to face everyone once they hear what he himself pretended wasn't there.

Still, he couldn't stop wondering what was going to happen to him. Was it going to get him killed? Was the fake Cole trying to lead him across the river? Or was it something else? Who was the family? Who was he going to meet?

Perhaps it was a siren's calling. Something in his gut told him that they wanted to get him in their grasp. After all, they didn't catch all of them, did they? They were overpowered and then had to take care of Kai.

Just another thing to add onto the pile.

After a while he was good to get back on track. Back to the routine, back to the training grounds. And Kai worked on himself even more intensely than usual. Not only because he lost some time lollygagging in the infirmary, but also because he was determined not to let anything similar happen. He wasn't going to let anything get past his defences anymore. And that included getting rid of his feelings for Cole. It was a vulnerability. His family was a vulnerability. But he wasn't going to cut them off. He just had to see Cole as his friend again. Only as a friend. That means no daydreaming, no dreaming, no fantasies, no secret hopes, no excessive time spent together. None of that. He had to free himself of the chains.

And it was the hardest thing to do.

Cole, of course, didn't fail to notice his distance and he assumed it just had to do something with the fact that the hallucination took his looks. But he was persistent to restore their relationship. It broke Kai's heart over and over as he constantly turned him down.

Sometimes he watched him from afar, from behind a corner when he was playing videogames with Jay. He stood behind the door to his room at night, wondering if Cole knew he was there, if he also placed his hand against it. He hid in the shadows and listened to his conversations with Pixal. It was an invasion of privacy but he couldn't help himself.

And then he was beating himself up over it behind the locked door to his own room because that's not what he was supposed to be doing! He was supposed to let him go! Let go of the balloon, let it fly into the sky on its own! It was for both of their goods!

All the memories he had were fake. Paintings that looked almost real but you still knew they weren't the real thing. At least art was beautiful. This was a nightmare. A never ending nightmare that made him a haunted house. An empty haunted house. Fake Cole stormed in like a tornado and took everything nice, unlocked all the hidden cupboards and turned everything upside down. Now he could only sit in the middle of it all and mourn.

Kai hated feeling like this. He wanted to be back to his usual self. The confident, fun and flirtatious self. The one everyone knew, the one he put on a pedestal, into the spotlight. But that mask was lost in all the mess, stuck underneath the rubble and he wasn't strong enough to pull it out and bring it back into action.

Cole is strong.

That's where Kai cut himself off. Every time the earth ninja got back on his mind he went outside and trained. It was getting exhausting but perhaps once the mind realises the cause of all the pain, it will help him let go.

“You missed dinner again.” But every time he felt his fingers loosen, every time the string was beginning to slip, Cole came back and helped him hold on. Unknowingly, but he did.

Kai sighed, slouching his shoulders. Turning away from the poor dummy, he faced Cole, who stood on the porch, a bowl in his hands. The soft light caressed him, as if everything, even the inanimate things knew how precious he was. Steam slowly made it's way up until it was unseen again. There was a strong sense of familiarity and Kai didn't want to go back in time in his thoughts.

“I get it, Kai. I understand why you train so much, I do that too but you need to take a break sometimes. You're almost always here.”

They sat next to each other on the steps and Kai munched on the noodles from the soup as if he hasn't eaten in days. For all he knew it may be true. His side was pressed against Cole's and there was a war conflict worsening in his head.

It feels nice.

You have to let go.

I don't want to be alone.

You have others. You have him. Just let go.

What if I don't want to?

It makes you weak.

But wouldn't that make us stronger?

At times, Kai was afraid it wasn't all really gone. He was afraid that he will never be able to tell what is real and what is fake. Were these his own thoughts? Were they seeds false Cole left there to sprout? Was he really hiding all of this or were they never his in the first place?

“I can't help it. It's the only thing that works.”

“But have you actually tried anything else?”

Kai put his head on Cole's shoulder. It wasn't cold. He could never be cold (as long as people like Aspheera didn't cross his way) but he sure felt like it.

“Are you also sometimes sick of all of this?”

“What do you mean?”

“Our job. Our life. No matter what we do to keep Ninjago safe, something new always comes up. Something new always fucks shit up. Always. It never ends. It's a constant cycle.”

“But doesn't that make the good things worth it in the end?” They make eye contact as the sun dims the scene.

“But does the good outweigh the bad?”

“I never said it outweighs it, I just said it feels better.”

“But the bad shit is still there, even during the good parts.”

“This is a conversation Wu or Zane would handle better. I just want to show you the optimistic side.” And lock and bury the pessimistic one deep down where nothing and no one can reach it. Cole would never admit that out loud but Kai knew it was there. They were all the same.

He put an arm around his shoulders, pressing Kai closer to himself, gently rocking them both. It was comfort for two. “There are two types of people,” he said, staring at the gate in front of them. “Those who let the things that happen affect them and those who focus on what they want. Not that any of them is a better option, they're both pretty much the same, but your own perspective can change that. I choose to focus on the better things. Whenever there's a storm, the sun always comes to shine, be it long or a short while. I want to believe the good things will always be there, waiting for us.”

“You were always so convinced things will get better…”

“I still am.”

Kai looked back up at him. “Would you say things are better now?”

And Cole looks down into the ambers that are finding their light again. “Yes. Yes, I would. As long as you're by my side, things are good.”

Eventually, the darkness and time drove them out of the porch and back into their rooms, to their beds that were waiting for them. After leaving the bowl in the sink and deciding he'll wash it in the morning, Kai goes to lie down and he falls asleep wishing he didn't have to leave the embrace. How come the master of fire always felt the warmest in Cole's arms? Under Cole's gaze?

He didn't get to stay in sleep's arms for long, just how he didn't get to stay in those of Cole's. Sometime in the night, when everything should be silent and let them rest, the alarms screeched through the monastery, awakening every single one of the inhabitants. Kai groaned and let himself fall out of the bed. It was too late to do or go anywhere, he was too tired to spring into action. Always in the middle of night with them. As if evil couldn't wait for the sun to rise. Let Luna glow for the lovers, not to hide your illegal endeavours!

They all came to the same place and they all listened to what they needed to know. And the moment Kai learned who was the cause of their lack of sleep, he froze and internally cursed them even more for disrupting the romantic poets write about.

The streets of Ninjago City were once again restless. Lamps lit up the dance floor and the contestants were free to do their thing: steel clashed against steel, it scraped the pavements. Fists hit or missed opponents' bodies along with legs. Grunts and panting filled the air that once was tranquil. Shadows copied its masters.

Kai shut off his mind. He forced himself to stop thinking about who they were. Just fight like you always do, just do what you train – what you trained for days, for hours on end.

And it worked! He fought like he always did. It almost felt freeing. He didn't worry about who he's fighting, all he needed to know was that they were the bad guys and he had to stop them. As if some weight got finally lifted off his shoulders, he felt he was back to his element, dropping quips here and there. And Cole smiled at him when he got the chance. Maybe all he needed was a little adrenaline rush.

“Ah, look what we have here!”

Look at you.

The memory creeped back into his mind just like a spider. He had no idea it was still there until it got into his field of view. As he gasped and lost his concentration, the person used it to their advance and kicked his side, making him fall to the ground. When did they get so far away from the rest? He must've missed what they were doing in the heat of the moment.

Reckless.

And now it was just the two of them and the rest of his team was fighting behind the corner. The light barely got here, where he was laying on the ground.

“The master of fire. How have you been?”

He got up and turned to face his opponent, getting his both katanas ready. Getting himself ready.

“We got you good the last time, didn't we? It's nice to see you standing here so fully recovered!”

Through the hood and the darkness enveloping them, Kai couldn't see their face. And something within him whispered urgently, Maybe it's on purpose. Maybe it's not just to hide their identities from the law. Maybe they're trying to revive Cole in his eyes!

But his brain was too panicked to listen to the voice of reason. He was back, they were back. Cole was back. Or he will be. He was there somewhere. Maybe he wasn't a hallucination after all? What if all of it was real?

Due to all this, his stance faltered. At least he was unable to see the pleased smirk.

“What's the matter? You don't want to fight me? Curious.”

A deep, shaky breath.

He talks just how that Cole did. How come?

“I'll start.” There was a clink of metal as they drew their own swords. And for a moment – that short moment that must've been a second at maximum but felt like much more to Kai – he thought this was it. He was just going to get hit and lose just because he was still shaken up from what happened. He saw them fly towards him. Closer and closer but in strange slow motion.

And there were more clinks as he blocked the attack with his katanas. They began the dance he knew so well his body was moving on his own while his brain was in a state of panic and tried to find any possible solution for his situation.

There were none. Of course there wasn't anything. He just had to get this over with, forget about this whole ordeal once it's done.

“How's Earth, by the way?”

One of the katanas almost slipped out of his hand.

“Come on, talk to me! Give me some of that fiery charm!”

Focus, Kai, focus. For once just focus.

“This is just sad.”

They dodged him and Kai was met with the pavement once again. His chest hurt as it hit the ground. He sharply inhaled and tried to crawl for the weapons he dropped.

“You're way easier to break than I thought, fire ninja,” sounded from behind him and he had to contain the sob crawling up his throat.

He wasn't. He wasn't.

“Pathetic. You know, I'm not surprised to have heard all those thoughts of yours. Perhaps they do have a point, I see it so clearly now. You would've been better if you just followed us.”

His fingers brushed against the handle. Steel hit the concrete.

“Look at you. You're all alone. Just like you were before. Not strong enough to fight for yourself and definitely not strong enough to fight for your family.”

“How do you know about my thoughts?” Kai asked, frozen in his spot as he lay there, his eyes burning into the blade of his katana tha had barely any light to reflect.

“You sure do talk to yourself a lot. As if you were speaking to someone, hm?” Kai frowned. “Tell me, do you miss him? I mean, I could bring him back but… you're not worth it anymore. Maybe we'll try getting Earth next. Or the water girl? What's more there of you left to break anyway? You were such an easy target it just further proves what a disappointment you are, Fire.”

He gripped the handle tightly, his knuckles turned white. The shaking slowly evened out.

“So fragile… you took all the fun out of it. I'm surprised you came. But since you were so nice I'll tell you our plan. It consists of you staying al–”

Like a tagger's spray, blood splashed across the wall. Not that anyone could see it in the dark. But some of it dropped on Kai's face, that's how he was able to tell that he did make damage. That, and their scream of pain. It almost made Kai feel good but he quickly swept that though off.

Not waiting for their next move, he kicked their abdomen once he was standing back on his feet. They staggered back, clutching their face, swords left abandoned between them on the ground. They will never decay properly there, at least not for ages, but there was something that could.

Kai kicked them again, sending them to the ground. Roles reversed. One of his knees dug into their spine, making them wheeze out a pained laugh. His hand clutched their head that was laying on one side, pushing it into the ground. His own face was right next to them, his hot breath mixing with their laugh that seemed to never come to an end despite everything that was happening. He felt the rage burn him from inside, fire wanting to spill out.

Spread your wings, light everything up.

His emotions were completely out of control but it didn't matter, it was their fault anyway.

He felt them kick their legs, as if that would change anything. Futile. Powerless.

And yet they still laughed.

“You're so simple, so primitive,” they panted under his pressure. It must've been difficult to breathe. Good. He put more power to his knee which made them squirm in process. “You get so easily controlled by your emotions, what a vulnerability! We could've freed you of it all, we could've made it go away. Could've made you numb. Your loss. Now they're destined to be doomed by you one day. And when that day comes, I will enjoy every second of it. Soak it up like the ground soaks up the rain.”

“You will be dead way before that ever happens,” Kai said through gritted teeth. He could feel himself burn up as he pushed harder on their head. There was something holding him back, he just couldn't tell what it was.

“Then do it! Kill me! Kill all of us! It's all pointless, it's all futile anyway! We may be gone but it will never go away! You can never run away, Kai. Those were all your thoughts, we just turned them a little in our direction. You're your own enemy, will you kill yourself too?”

He wanted to scream. Maybe that's what he did.

“Kai?”

How they kicked him off, he didn't know, all he knew was that he was sent flying the moment his grip faltered. Instead of the hard ground, it were Cole's arms that caught him.

“Catch them! Catch them!” He almost cried in desperation.

“We're on it!” Jay announced, running after the shadow along with Lloyd since they were the fastest of them all.

He shook as Cole held him close to his chest (which he burned). The warmth let his muscles ease and Kai found himself losing the strength. All he could do was let Cole hold him because he was too weak to hold himself.

“Did they hurt you?”

“No.”

Well, they did. Except it was all only in his head. Forever and ever and ever.

Destined to run, never look back, never catch his breath or else it will hunt him down.

Chapter Text

Cole was still holding him when the two came back. By that time, the rest of the team stood there alongside the earth and fire ninja and they all waited for some news.

"They're gone," announced Lloyd gloomily once he and Jay caught their breaths. However, before anyone could react to the news (Kai felt a pit swallow his insides), the green ninja continued, "But we did find what might be one of their secret hideouts. That's where we lost them, so it's possible it's connected to more."

"We should probably go check it out before they try and get rid of their traces," offered Nya, slamming her fist into her hand, ready to take action as fast as possible.

"That's exactly what I was going to say."

"Wait, so we all go?" Cole spoke up before anyone could turn around and run away. Kai tried to get out of his arms but Cole's grip only tightened. Just like traps do. Just like when you get caught and all your desperate attempts to free yourself only backfire.

"Well, it would be good to have as much power on our hands as possible but maybe it's not the worst idea to have someone stay back. You know, in case this is only a distraction."

"Lloyd has a good point, there is a certain possibility they are counting on us on following them."

"All right, so." Lloyd clapped his hands together and looked at his team. His gaze lingered on Kai, who was still weakly wrestling with Cole but the moment the red ninja looked back at him, Lloyd avoided his eyes.

"Cole, you and Kai can stay at the monastery and look out for anything suspicious with Pixal. Everyone else, come with me before it's too late." When he got a nod from Cole, he led the others along with Jay to where they lost their suspect.

Kai, finally having enough, ripped his arms from Cole's hands and crossed them, looking after his team that was disappearing into the sleeping city. He was very well aware of what Lloyd has done and as much as he loved his little brother, he wasn't going to forgive him for this one that easily.

"Kai, come on, let's go," said Cole from behind him. He glanced at him to see his hand with which he reached out. While he wanted to be furious with everyone, part of him whispered that it wasn't a smart thing to do, that it would just prove their point, and so he took Cole's hand and let him lead the way back home.

That was, however, where he gave up and got angry despite whatever that voice whispered to him. Why should he listen to it? What did it know? He was hurt! Despite everything, they deemed him not stable or strong enough to go with them! Him! The fire ninja!

He slammed the door of his room shut and gripped the edge of his desk as he leaned over it, trying to breathe out his anger despite being aware that it won't work and he's just risking setting the poor piece of furniture on fire. As far as Kai was concerned, setting something on fire would only make him feel better but they would judge and it would create a cursed cycle. There is just nothing more satisfying than watching his own element destroy even the things he himself wouldn't be able to. Watching those flames carefully hug its prey; lick it, as if it wanted to reassure it that it's safe now; feed onto its life and grow, grow stronger until nothing can stop it.

"Hey, at least we've got some free time together – as long as Pixal doesn't spot anything, that is." There was a hand on his shoulder. As calming as it was, Kai was freaked out – or perhaps angry with himself for not noticing it – that he never saw Cole come into his room. He was so consumed by his own anger (just how wood gets consumed by fire; his own element turned against him – who can you trust anymore?) that he didn't notice anything.

And that could cost lives.

"Breathe with me, Firefly, or you're gonna get yourself a fever again."

As much as he didn't want to, Kai listened to him and took several deep breaths, mostly through his nose, until they both felt his temperature go down. Kai knew that the fire was still far from dying, it was just under control now but it could break free any moment. He knew it, and he had a feeling that the moment was getting closer and closer.

"None of you trust me," he muttered. "Why does everyone act like I'm this poor victim that can't even take care of themself? I was fine! I had them!"

"Yeah, I've seen that."

"Then why did you stop me?" He got out of his reach and began pacing back and forth, rubbing his knuckles, ignoring Cole's eyes with all his might. He was determined not to give him the satisfaction of acknowledgement just as his team – his family – did the same to him.

"Because I didn't want you to do something you'd regret," came Cole's simple response. Kai hated his cool approach to the situation. How dare he stay calm when he himself was on the verge of exploding!

"Bullshit!"

"Kai." Honestly, Kai couldn't tell if he was getting scolded for his language or the other thing.

"I haven't even done anything. And even if, would it matter? They deserve it! They used you to get to me and that's just a fraction of all they've done! Who would care?"

"You would," Cole said. Something in his voice, his words, made Kai stop and look at him. As if he hit a wall. "Your consciousness. Maybe not right away but eventually it would eat you alive."

"That's–"

"I know you, Kai, all right? God, I feel like I know you better than I know myself! I know you would never get over killing someone no matter what they would do to you! All of us have trouble accepting the fact that our missions come with victims but so far everything has been indirect. I can't even imagine how much messed up any of us could get if we pulled the trigger."

Shaking his head slightly, it was almost invisible, Kai stated, "I don't need protection."

"No, you don't. You need a brake and the one you had is out of service, so I'm stepping in." Cole stood firmly, never moving an inch. His eyes were boring into him and Kai felt the fire grow without anywhere to go. It could only burn there idly.

He wanted to punch him – but just that thought, however fleeting, made him hate himself. What was worse, he felt his hands warm up. If he could barely handle his own anger, how could he handle it when it's mixed with guilt?

"Why should you even care!"

Cole rolled his eyes. "Seriously? Come on, you're better than to ask that."

"Maybe I'm just not as perfect as you think." Kai made his inner self desperately search for any way of turning the situation in his favour. Pushing Cole away was one of those, yet he felt like being torn apart as his mind found itself in another dispute. It was the same thing over and over.

Push him away.

Don't let him go.

Push him away.

Don't let him go.

Please, I don't want to be alone.

What do they know?

"I don't think you're perfect." As if all tension dropped off Cole. Kai was shocked. He couldn't understand anything anymore. All he wanted was for it to be over. He wanted everything to be over, to lay down, to rest... He was used to the exhausting life of an elemental master and to all his duties as a ninja but things just got into another twist and made everything ten times worse.

"I don't think you're a messed up failure either," Cole went on. "I think you're in that grey area just like every single one of us. Maybe you are reckless, but at the same time, you're extremely loving. Maybe you mess up – just as everyone else does – but you never give up, you always try to fix your mistake and do even more to make up for it. They can say whatever they want but it's only half of the real picture. Maybe you get easily controlled by your emotions but who doesn't? It's not a weakness to feel things, Kai! It's quite the opposite! It makes you stronger, it makes you able to not lose yourself completely."

"But–"

"Without emotions, you would sink to the deepest depths and never get back up. But with them, you're still able to stop yourself. Able to forgive or not forgive but let go and save at least yourself. Don't forget that, Kai, please don't ever forget that."

Kai felt tears sting his eyes and he hated everything. This isn't the kind of burn he likes so much. When those arms wrapped around him, he allowed his knees to give out because he knew Cole would catch him no matter what.

"How do you do it?" he hiccuped into the crook of his neck. "How do you make me believe it's actually you?"

"I didn't even know I did that, Kai."

Cole would never lie to him. Perhaps that was it. His honesty. No matter how much it hurt or frustrated him.

There are no cameras in the ninja's rooms. Sure, it might be risky at times and there are moments in which having some cameras there would be useful, however, the team decided they each wanted some privacy and their wishes were respected. So there were never installed any cameras in the bedrooms, they were almost everywhere except for those. To this day, it wasn't an issue. No one broke in via the rooms not only since the way up to the mountain was long and exhausting for many, but also because no one outside the monastery was even aware of this fact that could certainly play into someone's cards.

And once Cole left to go see Pixal and look over surveillance footage of the city, there were no witnesses in the particular bedroom that perhaps needed it most.

The red ninja was in a rush. He pulled out a pair of sai, which he barely ever touched unless he wanted to take care of them, but they came in handy that day. He deemed his katanas to be too long. Perhaps there was a reason some part of him made him take clean the weapons despite his constant doubts that he would ever use them.

Once he was armed and assured that the coast was clear, Kai climbed out the window and closed it behind himself. Then he moved in all the blind spots he learned about over the years and left the grounds of the monastery, and eventually the mountain. Where was he going? He wasn't entirely sure. All he followed was that feeling deep within him that might be sending him on a wild goose chase but he decided to trust it. Something, maybe a voice, was telling him which way to go. And while it did mean he had to face what he preferred to avoid, he was willing to do so one last time.

He hoped it was the last time.

Still, it was unpleasant, and Kai couldn't wait to get it over with. It only brought the paranoia back and he had to use all his might to ignore the feeling that someone was watching him because it was most likely just a phantom of something that was supposed to be long gone.

He's not there anymore, Kai, that's long over. You're just overthinking it. Calm down, it's fine.

For good measure, he looked over his shoulder a few times but of course, there was no one to be found hiding behind him. Did that soothe the paranoia? No. So he had to just ignore it, otherwise, it would get him off track.

The sky above was getting paler and paler but it still wasn't enough, there were still dark shadows looming everywhere over him. The lamplight wasn't strong enough to chase them away – it never is.

His legs and mind brought him to a part of the city he had either never been in before or simply didn't remember being there. Based on its looks, there surely was no reason to visit it anyway. From what he could see – and there was really barely anything to be seen, thanks to the lower number of those weak lamps – the buildings weren't cared for and were slowly losing the battle with time. The plaster was peeling off like dead skin, the green wasn't tamed and did whatever it wanted. And somehow it was even more silent than the rest of the city.

What a ghost town.

Kai wasn't going to let the silence and frail appearance fool him. Somewhere within this place, there were people more than ready to pay for their wicked actions.

Everything was fueled by pure instinct. Every single step he took and every single turn he made, Everything. Even the kick that broke down the door of one of the weakest houses was guided by that faint feeling. Determination was his best friend.

And it seemed to pay off, for he walked into one of those hooded figures from their previous encounters. Getting rid of them was hilariously easy. All Kai had to do was trip them and knock them unconscious. It took him two hits to get them to lie motionless on the dirty floor.

For a moment he was afraid he celebrated too early. He couldn't find anything else besides mountains of useless crap but then, thanks to the silence, he noticed that at certain places, his steps sounded different. It didn't take him long from that discovery to find a trapdoor leading to some upgraded basement. There, he met another person but it was the same quick process – trip and knock out. Simple as that. He should be unsettled by the simplicity of it all but all Kai felt was that fire gnaw on the wood, getting stronger and stronger with every next step.

Sometimes stealing a lollipop from a child really is just that. Easy.

No need to let the paranoia creep back up. No need to feel the spiders crawl up his spine. No need to keep looking back – all you will see is what you've already seen. There's no one. Especially not him. He's gone.

As he walked towards the door at the end of the corridor (because he just knew to go there), Kai unsheathed his sai and got ready.

Kick down the door, don't hesitate.

"I'm so sorry to let you know that your moment of surprise is gone like this."

Despite being surprised himself, in one swift move, Kai blocked their attack and pushed them away from him. Now it was time for that good old show tango. Familiar clinks and clangs filled Kai's ears for the umpteenth time. He could never count how many times he did this. Except for the weapon of choice. Luckily the change didn't hold him back much. If anything, he felt more flexible.

Flexible was good. Just as the flames can twist around any shape, that's how he was supposed to be.

Another thing that played into his hands was the fact that his opponent was still weak from their earlier fight. The red line across their face was still fresh and still threatening to spill more blood if they gave it a reason to.

Kai, on the other hand, has found more strength during his short break. More coal to fuel him.

And their lack of breath equalled a lack of taunting words.

So it was no surprise that it didn't take long for Kai to gain the upper hand again and they were laying on the ground again and Kai was towering over them just like the shadows in the streets above.

His sai just below their throat, teasing the skin, teasing the veins.

"Do it, then," they struggled to say. "Finish it, free yourself. Master knows it won't help you. But hey, people do tons of things for that short-lived pleasure, am I right? Why should I stop you?"

"You're pretty calm for someone who's gonna die without ever achieving whatever you wanted to achieve," Kai muttered and pushed harder on the blade.

"That's because I already did."

"What?" Careful. As if he stepped on a frail edge, stones fell down te pit and Kai had to back away before he would risk following them. He readjusted his grip on the sai.

"There never was a big plan! All we wanted to do was break you. Granted, we hoped for greater damage but even without one wheel the car can't move properly. It becomes unreliable. Just like you."

"The hell are you talking about?"

"We just prepared you for someone else, like hotel service before someone else checks in. Now, if someone tries to do something, the ninja will be a bit weaker! Bit by bit you will eventually all break."

"But that's–"

"I live for chaos, I don't care who causes it!" they boomed. "Doesn't matter whether it's us or somebody else, the damage is done!"

"You haven't even done anything!" Kai couldn't comprehend what was going on, his mind felt frozen and a part of him began to fear that it was merely a plan to distract him. Yet he couldn't stop his bafflement.

"I will die knowing I broke the mighty fire ninja's spirit," they whispered, raising their head a little above the ground, pressing more into the blade it made a drop of blood finally appear. Kai felt sick. "And one day you will die knowing it was the easiest thing in the world. So who's actually the winner here?"

Don't forget, don't forget, don't forget.

The red ninja (red like that droplet of blood, that little red tear) had finally had enough. With a cry, he raised his hand and the next moment was filled with pained, muffled whimpers as they tried to contain them, as they tried to rid him of the satisfaction.

Kai stood up and avoided looking at the sai stabbed into their arm, keeping them pinned to the ground.

There was another groan of hurt and Kai wanted to yell at them to shut up but it quickly turned into laughter. His insides turned and he actually thought he was going to be sick. Not just by the sight – rather by the nature of his nightmare.

"Ah, that's brilliant!" they exclaimed. "I actually thought I was going to die! Listen, ninja, you're pretty sick in the head too, no? Edging your victims like that, I don't think that's coming from our merit!"

"Just shut up," Kai muttered in annoyance. He rubbed the back of his neck and looked away as he contemplated what to do next. Cole's words were stuck in his head and he couldn't tell whether or not it was pissing him off.

He didn't want to sink to the deepest depths, he hated water.

But what was it like to drown in blood?

Was it even possible? To drown in blood?

"Or what? You'll stab my other arm? Or better yet, my leg? The pain won't stop me from enjoying seeing you drown in your own self!"

Drown. Sink.

Where were the straws he was supposed to grasp at?

"You couldn't even finish the job, isn't that pathetic? You almost had me, all that was left was one swift move. And you couldn't even do that! Doesn't that feel awful? Being constantly held back by your own consciousness? Don't you wanna be free?"

Kai turned back only to meet their eyes. There was something in them and despite how terrified Kai was of the sight, he couldn't look away.

"You're just like your element. You both lust for one thing but they don't want to give it to you. Seems like you just had to take it yourself, huh?"

"Shut up."

"Blood. You desire my blood just as fire desires to consume everything in sight. Take it! Kill me! Kill the person that's at fault for everything wrong with you and you'll be free!"

"I told you to shut up!"

"I took his appearance, how would you know I won't do it again? Maybe I could do it at any possible moment. Or maybe I already did. How do you know your beloved earth master is actually him?"

Kai stared at them.

"I can give you what you want. Or better yet – you can take it yourself. There's no one to stop you. I definitely can't stop you. No one has to know. It will be your little secret. But you'll be free, right? Satisfy the hunger, Kai."

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

Let go and save at least yourself.

Or end this all and free yourself.

Who exactly was the balloon in this scenario?

He raised his other sai and stepped towards them when some force tackled him and Kai found himself on the ground as well, staring into Cole's pleading eyes. His grip on Kai's wrists wasn't the strongest but it still made him drop the weapon and the ringing seemed to echo through his skull.

"Are you all right?"

Kai had no idea why he was asking that, especially in their situation.

"Of course I am." He pushed him off and stood up.

"Bloodlust is a curious thing, isn't it?" they went on, completely unfazed by the fact that there was a sai sticking out of their arm. Until it wasn't. Cole walked over and pulled it out, inspected it in his hand, and then handed it over to Kai. His behaviour got both Kai and their enemy to stare silently. Kai wondered what was up with him besides all of his other questions, while they seemed to be intrigued by his calm silence, almost looking up at him in child-like wonder. The weird twist of his insides was back and he felt his hands tremble. To stop it, he clenched his fists.

"Come here," Cole muttered while he pulled them up into a sitting position, having them leaned against the wall.

"... What are you doing?" Kai asked but Cole waved him off. He poked their face.

"Do you feel that?"

"Of course I feel it." For the first time (and Kai noticed the tingle of satisfaction within himself), they seemed unnerved. Maybe even annoyed by the odd turn of events. Or perhaps they're just angry that somebody poked their face – because who would like a stranger to poke their face out of nowhere?

"Good, that's good," Cole muttered as he rubbed the knuckles of his right hand. Before Kai could come to any conclusion or get any time to question him further, there was a low thud as his fist collided with their head which in turn hit the wall behind. And just like that, the person was knocked unconscious. "You know, I hate talkative people."

"You're best friends with Jay," Kai deadpanned.

Cole turned to him with a grin that was far from how they both felt inside but it was still a nice sight and somehow helped Kai calm down a little. "I guess exceptions have got to be made sometimes."

Kai hummed, keeping his distance. "You're gonna tell me now how you found me?"

"I followed you."

"I–"

"You tried to avoid the cameras, sure, but Kai, you're forgetting you're not the only ninja in the house. Monastery."

"So when I–"

"Yeah, I guess your sixth sense was right but I couldn't just show myself because you would just get mad and refuse to let me help." Cole's tone switched slightly. "Now I'm asking questions. Care to tell me how the hell you knew about this place?"

Kai shrugged. "Instinct."

Cole raised a brow, crossed his arms and hummed, "Instinct you say."

"Look, I don't know, I just followed the feeling I got... you know... that night."

"But it was supposed to be out of your system!"

"I guess I just remembered it well, what do I know, Cole!" Then, as if he remembered he was still holding the bloody sai, he threw it on the ground next to the other one and turned away.

"I also let the others know about this."

Kai sighed. "I'll just pack my bags, it's fine. No need to worry about my sorry ass anymore."

"What are you on?"

"I almost killed them if it wasn't for you! I really tried not to but I just..." The tears he felt rolling down his cheeks made him shut up. And once again, the skills he harnessed over the years failed him as he didn't notice Cole walk back to him until there was his hand on his shoulder.

"Come on, look at me, please."

Usually, Kai would refuse. If anyone else was going to witness the master of fire crying, he would do anything in his power to avoid it. But Cole has already been there, he was his exception.

So Kai turned and found himself enveloped in one of those bear hugs that usually came with his tears. Yet not even the kiss on his head made him give out to the sobs, he held them back with all his might until all he could do was tremble in Cole's arms.

"You said it's not bad to feel emotions but they almost made me... almost made me snap."

"We've all been there," Cole said. "We've all had someone get under our skin until we became desperate."

"Everyone's gonna think I'm a monster."

"I don't. So just that proves you wrong. And they will understand. You haven't even done anything and even if, I think deep down most of us would feel a sense of vengeance. Family is there to love you unconditionally, okay?"

"You're just saying that."

"But doesn't even that prove something? Just how your own guilt does?"

Not having any idea what to respond with and being too weak to fight back his arguments nevertheless, Kai just stood there along with Cole while the black ninja rubbed his back. The silence was disturbed by his deep breaths as Kai tried to calm down the waves which threatened to take over him. And the more he shook, the more he held onto Cole.

"It's over. It's over, okay? We'll be good now."

"Why do you still stick with me? I hurt you. I have a hard time believing it's actually you and you still always stay with me. Why?"

Cole pulled away but kept holding onto Kai. It didn't take Kia long to notice the distant footsteps. "I'll always be there for you, all right? No matter what."

"But why–"

"Come on, I think we both know." Maybe Kai would've asked more but Cole gave him a quick peck on his lips just when new familiar voices appeared. "But we can discuss that some other time, okay?" he added, rubbing his shoulders. The fact that it made Kai, the master of fire, warm was ridiculous to him. Cole always did it. Now he just had to hold onto that trustful feeling with all his might.

"Guys?" It came from farther away, from behind the door. Not too long after that, Lloyd and the others emerged from the door and froze in shock at the scene, then Nya ran to Kai who Cole let go of.

"Are you all right?" she asked cupping his face, looking him all over like a concerned mother. Exactly the way he used to do when they were young, only had each other, and Nya was a wild child – too difficult to handle for a little boy who could barely tame his own self.

"Yeah, I'm uninjured." From her expression, he could tell she wasn't completely satisfied with his words but she hugged him tightly nevertheless. Then she pulled away and smacked the back of his head.

"Going alone! You always do this, how many times do you have to do this before you realise you've got a team to watch your back?" He glanced at Cole to see his provocative 'I told you so' smile and just that made him feel a little content with himself, at least for that brief moment.

"It was just three guys."

"And? It's not like you could've known that! Do I have to buy you a collar thingy for children or what!" And then Kai hugged her again and held his little big sister close, which earned him a surprised squeal but all that mattered to him was that she was there, to hell with what anyone else could think.

Off to the side, Cole went to stand next to Zane as they scanned the motionless body.

"We could treat the wounds, wait for them to wake up, interrogate and then send them to Cryptarium."

"Do we want them with us? I would prefer to keep them as far away from Kai as possible."

"I would prefer that option too, unfortunately, my trust in the hospital is quite low, I'm afraid. I believe it wouldn't be a problem for them to get out of there or worse, get killed before we can learn anything more about their organisation."

"Hm, then I guess I would have to distract Kai from that. How unfortunate," Cole mused and got an amused look from them in return. "But I'm not sure they'll tell us much, even though they're one of the most talkative people I've had the courtesy to meet."

Lloyd joined them. "We've got the rest tied up back there, we can bring them to prison right away. Maybe they'd speak." In response, Zane hummed and their eyes stopped flashing. Then the ice ninja went to collect the body to tie them up and get them ready to go.

"Hey, how did that investigation go?" Cole asked as he nudged Lloyd with his elbow.

"Well, we didn't get much time to look all around but it seemed like an escape route anyway. Probably just some tunnel that got them closer to here." The blond smiled up at him. "Good thing you had eyes on Kai. This is probably the best outcome we could've hoped for."

And Cole couldn't help the grin from stretching across his face as he looked back to where he left the Smith siblings and caught Kai's gaze.

"Oh yeah," he chuckled. "You can always count on me to have eyes on Kai."

Fortunately for him, Kai smiled back, however slightly. It was a silent, unspoken message.

Better times are coming. And I'll be there for you through it all.