Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

In his smelly mother's basement, one of the AO3 Hackers is furiously typing on his phone. He's laying on the floor.

Suddenly, Uraraka Ochaco swoops into the basement, looking down at him with a frown.

"How could you! Don't you know how much Archive of Our Own means to people?!"

"Why should I care?! All they do on there is post gay porn and be heathens."

Ochaco's frown turns to a grimace, not unlike if she had drunk the Grimace Shake and lived to tell the tale, and she lunges at the man.

But then, Midoriya Izuku grabs her. She blushes. He blushes. It's very sweet. "Ochaco, despite how much of a degenerate this guy is, you can't stoop that low."

"Whew," says the hacker. "For a second there, I thought-"

But Midoriya grabs his wrists. "You're under arrest for being an absolute loser." He looks to Ochaco. "Did I do good?" he whispers.

"You did great," Ochaco whispers back.

In his cramped, messy cubicle, another one of the hackers is chatting on Discord on his work desktop with his "kitten". All of a sudden, he hears gasps from all of his coworkers. He turns around, his man boobs flopping about, to see Spider-Man had been behind him. "Spider-Man! What are you doing here? Can't you see I'm talking to my kitten?"

"You won't be talking to her any longer, creep! Not for what you did to AO3!"

"Everyone there's a fag! Fuck off-" He gets cut off as Spider-Man webs his mouth and hands, and carries him away. All of his coworkers clap.

Sitting on a table in an empty Subway, yet another one of the hackers is leaning in on his laptop with an intent gaze, face drenched in sweat. 

"Woah there, buddy, you are FOCUSED."

The hacker, a lanky teenage boy, looks up to find Deadpool sitting before him. He gasps dramatically. His horny fantasies might just come true. "You're real?!"

"Real as your dating life."

"Wait. Isn't today Opposite Day?"

"See what I did there?"

The boy chuckles. "Whatever."

The bell tolls as the front door of the Subway swings open. "You're taking too long," shouts a sultry female voice. 

The boy eyes Black Widow holding the door open. His eyes widen so much they might pop out. 

Deadpool turns. "Sorry about that, princess." He shuts the laptop and leans in on the boy. "Yeah, I'ma need you to drop that and come with us."

"What if I don't-"

Deadpool slinks out a Beretta M9 and pops a cap in the boy's knee.

The boy screams.

"That was a bit much, Wade," says Black Widow.

"He's internationally wanted," says Deadpool.

"Fair enough."

In a sewer, another hacker, a human-sized centipede, crawls on a wall while carrying a supercomputer. 

The centipede laughs manically. "Yes, now the strike will last forever!" His laughing is cut off by the sound of fire burning. 

"Nah, I don't think so, chump!" Katsuki Bakugo roars, lunging for him. "You're going down!"

But Vegeta, who had teleported in front of Bakugo interjects, "I'll handle this!"

"Who do you think you are?" says Bakugo, staring Vegeta down.

"The Prince of All Saiyans!" Vegeta replies, roaring, transforming into a Super Saiyan. 

"You think I care!" Bakugo punches into the stream of poop water.

The two go at it, fire and ki blast flying, while the centipede escapes.

SOMETIME LATER

In hell, yet another hacker, Satan- as in, THE DEVIL-  is sitting on his throne. 

The centipede crawls up to him and hands him the supercomputer. 

Satan laughs demonically. "Yes! We shall doom AO3 and bring ultimate pain to this world!"

"Not we have anything to do about it, and we do!" came Captain America, Iron Man, and Harry Potter, who have come through a warp hole somehow.

"Your demonic-get it?-plan is coming to an end!" shouts Cap.

Harry sighs sighedly. "That was truly cringeworthy."

"Eh, I'd say it was pretty good," says Iron Man.

"Whatever," Harry says annoyedly. "Let's focus on- wait, stop him!"

Unbeknownst to them, Satan has placed the supercomputer in his pitchfork that he's definitely been holding this whole time even though that wasn't established earlier. 

"Accio!" Harry Potter yells harry-potterly. But it's too late. 

The supercomputer will now forever DDoS AO3... 

Unless...

Chapter Text

INT. SEWER - DAY

Bakugo and Vegeta are still fighting. Vegeta's spamming ki-blasts and Bakugo's flinging them away with fire. Suddenly, Vegeta puts a hand before Bakugo, slowly looking around.

VEGETA

Wait, hold on. That creature... it's gone!

Bakugo looks around as well, then sighs.

BAKUGO

Crap, you're right.

(pause)

Well, then, I guess we gotta look for him. 

Vegeta folds his arms, pouting.

VEGETA

Well, we wouldn't have to if it weren't for you.

Bakugo scowls.

BAKUGO

Oh, is that right, Prince of Nobody?!

Vegeta powers up to his first Super Saiyan form, yelling:

VEGETA

We'll see about that! 

INT. HELL - SATAN'S THRONE ROOM

Cap, Iron Man, and Harry stand before Satan on his throne, powerless to stop him. The centipede stands at the side of Satan.

SATAN/CENTIPEDE

Ha ha ha ha! You're now all completely powerless to end the DDoS of AO3.

CAP

No, this can't be!

Cap cries, Iron Man sighs, Harry harry-potters very harry-potterly.

As Satan continues to laugh, his throne releases a mist composed of the salty, homophobic tears of the hackers that will power the servers inside of Satan's throne for eternity. The mist pushes Cap, Harry, and Iron Man to the ground.

But, suddenly, Iron Man gets up, charges at the throne.

IRON MAN

No! I can't let you get away with this! 

Cap and Harry look at him with surprise.

HARRY (V.O.)

Could he really stop him?

He aims his repulsor gloves at the area where the supercomputers are. But unfortunately, when he shoots laser beams at them, they do nothing. The centipede grabs him and sends him flying. He smacks down on the hellish ground with a thud.

Harry and Cap rush to him, picking him up.

They look more afraid than ever. 

EXT. SPACE

The Milano speeds through the inky expanse of the cosmos, pierced by sparkling lights like jewels. However, the mist repulses the Milano, sending the Milano scrambling.

INT. THE MILANO

STAR-LORD, lying on the floor, is awoken by the chaos.

STAR-LORD

Shit! What's going on?

ROCKET RACCOON (O.S.)

I dunno!

Star-Lord stumbles up, and rushes to the main console, along with Gamora, Drax, and Groot.

GROOT

I am Groot.

DRAX

I know. Sorry, buddy.

GAMORA

What's the hell's happening?

Rocket Raccoon, who's been at the main console the whole time, turns to Gamora in a huff.

ROCKET RACCOON 

I dunno!

STAR-LORD

Guys... I think it's that.

ROCKET RACCOON

Wha-

Everyone's eyes lock on the main display, on which the mist is clearly visible... and TOO visible, because they can't see anything else.

ROCKET RACCOON

The hell?