Archive of Our Own ^beta

Did Porsche want kids? Did he himself want kids?

This shouldn’t take him that long to answer. It was pretty obvious, actually. He absolutely should not, under any circumstances, put an innocent life into the world he and Porsche lived in. He couldn’t.

But just because he couldn’t, did that mean he didn’t want to. Maybe his feelings on that matter weren’t all that clear after all.

His internal conflict started on a morning like every other the couple shared. Kinn woke up before Porsche and let the other sleep in a little longer while he himself went through his own bathroom routine, knowing that, while he’d love nothing more than to get his hands on that beautiful specimen of a human being under a steamy shower, the other needed every last bit of sleep he could get.

Don’t get him wrong, after months of trial and error they had finally found a very comfortable rhythm to go by and managed to (mostly) make their personal and professional lives coexist in harmony. Porsche had even settled in as the new head of the Minor family for a while now. Long enough that people knew he was there to stay. But sadly, not long enough for the same people to not still try to make him slip up at any given possibility. They were really making him work that top spot. Well, try harder.

And since his lover needed all the energy possible to keep pushing forward, Kinn made sure to keep his steps light and his movements slow and steady as he made his way out of the bathroom. He had towel dried his hair already, but his toothbrush was still in his mouth, were he left it as he stepped in front of their walk-in closet to sort out his outfit for the day. Knowing that Porsche didn’t know much about clothes, nor did he really care to know about them, most of the time if not all of the time Kinn was the one picking out Porsche’s work wear alongside his own.

He wasn’t complaining, he got to see the man of his dreams in whatever he wanted that day.

He counted himself the real winner in this unspoken deal.

Kinn was going to keep it rather simple for himself this time around.

Just a white dress shirt and equally white slacks that almost crossed over into something beige-like, as he was going to be at the compound locked up inside his office for pretty much the whole day anyways, sorting through some reports of their latest overseas deals. He’d probably have to write some reports of his own and then take a few skype calls with potential investors that still hadn’t quite taken the bait yet. Nobody cares about what you look like on those calls below the chest anyways, he be better to focus on sweetening whoever is on the other side of the screen with his mouth.

Speaking of mouths, he continued brushing his teeth with one hand while laying out the outfit he had picked out for Porsche with the other on one of the small couches in their little lounge area inside their big bedroom.

And oh boy, did Kinn not hold back on this fine Tuesday morning.

As already established, Porsche wasn’t all that knowledgeable when it came to fashion, nor did he really care to broaden his horizon. So, when it came to filling up his wardrobe with new clothes that fit the new position he had taken on, he left Kinn to sort that out for him.

Well, Kinn and Khun.

A dangerous duo with their own respective agendas entirely. Which didn’t really make it all that surprising that the wardrobe he ended up with was a mixture between a kids Halloween party and a strip club. Well, at least that was the first result he was met with when the brothers were treating the whole ordeal as a competition, fighting for Porsche’s approval of their own choices of garment.

Just the better that none of them won.

Porsche wasn’t going to wear any of this, fat chance.

So instead, he made both of them take everything back, before making them promise to him that they would actually put their heads together and meet somewhere in the middle. Porsche still didn’t really understand why they even needed to invest so much money and time in some random pieces of fabric and why he couldn’t just go in the same things he had been working in when he was still only part of the security detail. Because that was some good, sturdy and rather high-quality work outfit ( that is when it wasn’t being physically ripped off his body by his then boss).

And he also knew that Kinn liked him in it because he would never stop touching and grabbing at his waist, be it in private or in front of an audience (and he, again, liked it so much he couldn’t wait to rip it apart and buy him a new set immediately afterward).

Well, Kinn felt that it was safe to say that they’d found a good middle ground that everyone was happy with, as he admired the set laid out in front of him.

He made sure to use a similar colour pallet to his own as to make the two of them match even while apart, because he was sappy like that. The blazer and matching trousers were both a white-beige colour and of cottony fabric, the top half with a slight yellow undertone to it. To put under that Kinn had used one of his own shirts, in fact one that was basically the same as the one he himself was wearing – white, flowy and most likely also to be buttoned open so wide, not much was left to the imagination.

And it wasn’t just because Kinn was a possessive bastard who wanted to make a statement that he had picked out said colours, but because he knew they would beautifully contrast with Porsche’s sun-kissed complexion, making him glow even more than he already did on a daily basis in Kinn’s eyes. Not to mention that it would pair beautifully with the golden necklace Kinn had gotten Porsche for their 6-month-anniversary, the pendant an equally as golden dragon, crystallised with little white diamonds that mimicked its scales.

Maybe he was a possessive bastard after all who needed to stake his claim one way or another. After all, there were other men out there who got to see his boyfriend in these outfits for far longer than he himself did most days, usually station at the other side of the property, city, country or sometimes even the world.

He let out a pitiful sign just at the thought of potential admirers the other man most definitely had, but also one of relive that even still, it was Kinn who Porsche choose amongst all those greedy eyes. And Kinn would wake up every day to worship and cherish Porsche the way he deserved to be. Hopefully forever.

He was getting sappy again, which was his sign to get his morning moving again. He could keep admire his lover while putting on his socks after all.

Afterwards, checking on the time, he preceded to collect their shared breakfast at their apartment’s door before housekeeping got around to come around and knock and potentially stir the other from his sleep. He himself wasn’t much of a breakfast-early-in-the-morning kind of guy, but Porsche loved going all in, and Kinn would be a fool to not use this as an opportunity to spend more time with his beloved.

After putting their food away on the bedside table on his designated side of their bed, he made sure to keep busy with little tasks here and there, like putting their laundry out for staff to take care of and already pulling up some of the files he would need that day, just to give Porsche ten more minutes in dreamworld. But he knew he couldn’t stretch it out further than that, crime and shady business didn’t like to be left waiting for too long.

Sitting back carefully onto their bed next to his lover’s (still) peacefully asleep body, Kinn couldn’t help softly chuckling to himself at the sight of the cocoon the other had built around himself out of pillows and their blanket. Porsche was definitely a messy sleeper and a blanket hoarder, which didn’t actually bother Kinn much, at least not anymore.

He used to be a very sensitive and light sleeper - which came with the lifestyle he led - and while he’d never not be on high alert, awake or not, knowing that he had someone he would trust with his life right next to him made him that much more excited to go to bed at the end of a stressful day.

While knowing that he wouldn’t be able to fully protect Porsche while in deep sleep, which still left him anxious at times, he had also come to learn and understand that Porsche was more than capable to look after himself.

Not only that, but Porsche made sure to drill into his head that in this relationship they would be taking care of each other, and that taking on the burden of responsibility for their both’s safety would be a shared effort. They were a partnership after all. Finally, truly equals in mind (and hopefully also on papers some day).

So now, while Kinn couldn’t fully shut down his brain successfully all the time, even on nights that had his mind especially busy, he just made sure to find his way into Porsche’s mess of sheets and engulf in his lover’s heat, making sure that he could feel their bodies connect at every possible point. A safe blanket of sorts.

Snapping out of his own daydreaming, Kinn started his ‘adorably sleepy boyfriend’ wake-up routine.

First, he slowly but surely started to pull the blanket down from where it had been almost completely covering the younger, before he rearranged the few pillows acting as a barricade between the other’s head and the sunlight, so that Porsche’s entire face was finally on full display. And what a lovely face it was.

While Porsche’s eyes did an initial twitch, most likely from the irritation of the first light beams going through his closed eye lids, he remained mostly unmoving. It usually did take a bit more to pull a Kittisawat from their deep sleep, a theory that had been further proven by reports from his own younger brother.

Next, Kinn let his hand move towards Porsche’s now exposed shoulders and arm where he, keeping his touch light, softly wandered back and forth from his shoulder blades along his arm and to his wrist and back up, taking note of the goosebumps arising on his boyfriend’s skin due to his exposure to the room and also his own soft caressing.

Making sure that all of Porsche’s senses slowly adjusted to the feeling of waking up he let his hand drift further up until he could run his hands through the other’s silky hair, combing the messy fluff back into its place while also massaging his scalp. Occasionally, he let his fingers trail a bit lower into the shorter pieces at Porsche’s neck where he would then work at the knots there, letting his nails lightly stretch at the golden skin of the other’s throat, the tickling sensation making Porsche start to squirm a little bit.

And just as slowly and carefully as Kinn was worshipping his lover’s body in these early hours did Porsche emerge from his sleep, one limp at the time.

First his legs stretched out enough for his toes to peek out of the sheets, disoriented wiggling on display visible. Following that, he also stretched his arms out above his head while his hands and fingers aimlessly reached out for Kinn, his subconscious knowing the older wouldn’t be far away. And they didn’t cease their quest until one of his hands made contact with one of Kinn’s thighs, his hand curling back up satisfied in the other’s lap.

All the while Kinn kept his soft petting of the other up, which the feeling of had a content smile forming on Porsche’s lips as he slowly allowed his eyes to open and adjust to the change in lighting.

What a way to start the day.

“You with me now, love?” Kinn mumbled, bending down a bit so that he could place a lingering kiss on the younger’s forehead after moving his bangs away from his face.

At that Porsche titled his head forwards as to keep the touch there for longer, eyes automatically closing again to savour the moment. He also let out a small humming sound as an answer, still way too comfortable to make himself form any real words.

“Bet you slept so well. You look unbelievably soft and cosy.” Kinn continued his antics, shifting along to press even more kisses onto Porsche’s face – one on each cheek, the tip of his nose, his chin, and finally a soft peck on his lover’s pillowy lips, morning breath be damned.

That made Porsche smile even more, his eyes now open again but crinkled with amusement and the laughter he was holding in from the tickling sensation left by the other’s wandering lips. The natural beams of light from the morning sun that made their way into their room in through their mostly transparent curtains reflected beautifully in the half-moons that were the younger’s eyes, leaving Kinn almost breathless with the sight.

“How did I get so lucky.”

Shy from the confession, Porsche tried hiding his face in the hollow between Kinn’s shoulder and neck, winding his arms around him to secure his position which caused Kinn’s body to be pulled down completely onto Porsche’s own. Kinn tried softening his fall a bit with his forearms but otherwise let himself be fully pulled on top of his boyfriend, he himself also now nosing at the neck of the man underneath him.

This had Porsche letting out little content and almost purring like noises from deep within his chest, an occasional fleeting gasp leaving his lips as Kinn took the liberty of nibbling at his jaw and throat every now and then.

But there wasn’t much heat to it all. This morning they just let their hands wander for the sake of touching the other, there was enough intimacy to the way they were connecting to one another’s bodies without the need to escalate it into something further. It was almost a given that they’d find another moment along the day to indulge in each other fully, anyway.

For now, Kinn just wanted to breathe his lover in.

“Baby” he softly whispered into the other’s hair. “Time to get up for real now.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Just a little longer, please.”

There he was, his stubborn boyfriend. It would be more than just a little longer if he didn’t push further on the matter, that much was for sure.

“The sooner you get up the sooner you can see what the kitchen prepared for us. Open up, baby.” Kinn had gotten up on his elbows so he could reach over to his nightstand where he had previously put their breakfast on. He plucked one of the freshly washed cherries out of one of the bows and brought it up to the younger’s lips who chewed away on it happily.

“Hmmm”

“There’s more where that came from. I asked them beforehand to prepare those custard filled pastries we had on our trip to France last month because I know you enjoyed them so much.” Kinn flopped back down next to the other and let his finger draw random shapes on Porsche’s cheek.

“And what did I do to deserve such special treatment?”

“You don’t have to do anything for me to want to make you happy. You, letting me wake up next to you and love you every day, it’s more than enough. I’d give you the world if you’d just give me the green light.” And Kinn meant every single word of it.

“Oh, Kinn” Porsche breathed out a shaky breath. For all that they had developed and grown in their relationship, expressing their emotions still sometimes didn’t come as easy to them as it should, more so for Kinn than Porsche, and to a large extend due to his own upbringing and family life. But he still tried, being with Porsche definitely helping in over-coming it.

“So how about you get up and hop under the shower while I set up the table for us and then we can try out everything else prepared for us, huh?”

“Deal.” Porsche gave him one of his brightest smiles, one that made him look even more angelic amongst the whites of the sheets and the yellow glow from the sunlight. He couldn’t help leaning back in to steal another quick kiss, for good measure.

“But you gotta let me go first.” Porsche shoved him off softly with a hearty laugh, before he threw the rest of the sheets off of himself and jumped out of their bed.

Kinn fell back onto his back, watching as Porsche indulged in a final stretch of his entire body now that he was on his feet. The sight of his naked form with only a pair of skimpy white underwear to protect his modesty was too tempting for Kinn not to reach out and give the other’s ass a playful slap which earned him an equally as seductive look over the shoulder.

“Hurry up before I send our breakfast back and decide to join you instead.”

“As you wish, sir.”

Porsche made sure to put an extra sway into his hips as he made his way towards their bathroom, knowing he’d have an audience. Kinn just knew that one of these days he’d be the death of him. And he’s so looking forward to it.

As he heard the water finally turn on, Kinn made true of his promise and got to work setting their food up. Afterwards, he tidied up their bed and transferred the clothes he had set out for Porsche onto said made bed so that Porsche could slip into them as soon as he got out and wouldn’t risk catching a cold. When the water was turned off again he made his way over to their bathroom where Porsche was in the middle of brushing his teeth.

He didn’t plaster himself onto the younger’s back, only because he was already in his work clothes and didn’t want to get anything wet, but he did drop a couple of lingering kisses on his boyfriend’s shoulders before he decide to look for the blow-dryer they kept somewhere.

Porsche had just finished rinsing out his mouth with mouthwash when Kinn had finally pulled the thing out.

He was good at that.

“Turn around for me, baby.”

Porsche did so without any complaints, already knowing the drill.

Ever since that one night Porsche had blow-dried Kinn’s hair after they had first come out to their friends and family as boyfriends it had somehow become their thing. Porsche would blow-dry the other’s hair because it brought back memories of his mother for Kinn and made him feel all warm and content, and in return Kinn would do the same for Porsche just because it felt good.

Porsche loved being babied by Kinn, and Kinn loved babying him.

Everyone wins.

The younger almost looked like a cat, the way he basked in the heat and the way Kinn was softly combing through his steadily drying hair with his finger, almost as soft and silky as the fur of a black cat would be. His head tilted back a little, he was looking up at Kinn through almost closed eyes where he was preached on top of the closed toilet lid, a content smile grazing his plump lips.

Kinn would have guessed the other might have passed out again then and there if it wasn’t for the loud disturbance cause by the blow-dryer.

Again, a cat in the form of six feet of almost endless bronze skin and daring curves. A true vision for sore eyes.

When he was certain the younger’s hair was dry enough he made sure to tame the fluff on top of his head with gentle hands, bringing Porsche’s bangs back down to where they were softly framing his forehead. Just like he knew his lover liked it when it was just the two of them, the silky strands tickling his sharp eyebrows.

Now he really felt like he was taking care of a kitten. Only that Porsche was maybe even more adorable and precious than one.

Gross, is what he imagined Khun would say if he could peek inside of Kinn’s brain right now.

Well, Porsche liked his cheesiness. Take that.

Very mature. You and Porsche truly are a match made in heaven.

Kinn’s imaginary conversation with his older brother was interrupted as Porsche nuzzled his face into Kinn’s clothed stomach, the loud groan he let out muffled consequently. It actually felt pleasantly tickly for the older, now directing his full attention back to his lover.

“Just the thought of having to look through the closet to find something to wear gives me an headache. Especially after all the new things Khun had Pol delivery into our room yesterday without telling me beforehand that he was going on a shopping spree for me. Without me.”

His forehead softly collided with one of Kinn’s pecks.

“I don’t think I have the energy to be confronted with that right now. Will you go pick something out for me, pretty please?”

The last bit was said with a pout and with pitiful eyes looking up at him.

If Kinn hadn’t already had the foresight to do just that, he knew he would’ve melting by know for sure.

Porsche knew his weakness, that little shit.

“And what do I get in return if I do that?” Two can play that game.

“A satisfied boyfriend?”

Kinn raised one of his thick brows teasingly.

“And a blowjob.” Porsche added on with a little eyeroll, the way he softly bit down on his bottom lip hiding the smirk forming on his lips from giving his own amusement away.

“That’s what I call a mutually beneficial deal. Good thing I’m a quick thinker and a forthcoming boyfriend.”

Kinn gestured behind himself, his smile smug as he observed the other leaning around his own body to peak back into their room, the pile of clothes pretty much immediately visible from that angle.

Porsche must have been really tired to not have realised what he had just walked past as they had made their way towards the bathroom. There was some ass smacking involved too if Kinn still remembered correctly, so that might have been an added-on distraction.

“I believe there was imbalance in information made available before both parties agreed to the terms of the contract. That’s enough ground to nullify the whole thing, if you ask me.”

Porsche’s smirk was now matching Kinn’s previous one, Kinn’s expression slipping into a frowny pout as the younger tried to slip past him. The bigger of the two pressed the other softly to his front with his arms wrapped tightly around Porsche’s waist, successfully caging his lover into an embrace.

“That’s not nice, you know. Especially since seeing you do your mafia boss thing just now was unfairly hot. Take accountability for your actions.”

He knew that they wouldn’t even be able to get to that right now, knowing how easily they could get carried away with stuff like this, but Kinn liked being able to just be silly with his boyfriend.

And said boyfriend was, in fact, pretty darn hot.

“Stop pouting, you horndog. Let me get some food inside my mouth and I’ll see what I can do for you.” Porsche kissed Kinn’s pout away in fake inconvenience, earning him a pleased hum in return from the smug figure in front of him.

“When you say getting something inside your mouth does that mean-“

“Oh my god”

They both couldn’t keep their hysteric giggles in anymore as they walked back out of the bathroom and into their bedroom, taking a seat at the table Kinn had already set to finally get started on that promised breakfast.

Porsche had decided to stay in his bathrobe for the time being. Probably the best idea since Kinn knew what a messy eater the other could be, especially in the morning when he was the hungriest out of the whole day.

The older liked to believe that was a testament to his own abilities to wear his partner out in the late hour of the night and early hours of dawn.

Maybe his head wasn’t fully out of the gutter yet. But who could blame him when there was a perfectly glistering and barley clothed golden chest on display in front of him.

Appetites vary. To each their own.

Kinn himself wasn’t much of a breakfast person, but for the sake of sharing a bit more time with Porsche he liked to join his lover for a cup of coffee at the very least.

So when the other talked through a mouth full of food, breaking the comfortable silence the couple had found themselves in between bites and sips respectfully, Kinn almost choked on his coffee.

“You know, for someone who’s supposed to be this big scary mob boss, you’re probably the most in tune person with other people’s wants and needs. At least with those who matter.” Kinn could feel the other’s bare toes toying with his own sock-cladded ones from underneath the table.

“Early morning cuddles. Letting me sleep in. Asking the kitchen to make me my favourite dishes. Blow-drying my hair. Putting together an outfit for me. And the list goes on and on.”

Kinn felt a pleasant warmness spread within his chest, happy that he managed to keep his lover feel loved and cared for. It’s the least the other deserved, really.

“I just know you’re gonna be the best dad ever one day.”

The best what?

Kinn’s couldn’t help but freeze up, the hand bringing his cup up and to his lips in a repeated motion halting mid-air. He was certain his brain was malfunctioning.

His hopes that Porsche hadn’t caught his sudden shift in mood were immediately proven useless as the other stopped in his own tracks, putting the scone he had been munching on previously down as his wary eyes met Kinn’s own wide opened ones.

“Kinn, is everything okay?” The younger leaned slightly forward, trying and failing to keep their eye contact up.

Meanwhile, Kinn was looking around the table in panic, not willing himself to meet the other’s searching eyes again. Instead, he slowly brough his cup of coffee back down from where it was still dangling in front of his face and put it back on the table as he cleared his throat, a little hm making it past his lips afterwards as to try and shift the focus away from himself.

He knew he was acting strange, and he needed to get his shit together right now.

“Let me guess, you finally realised that drinking black coffee without any milk or sugar in it taste similar to licking Satan’s asshole. It’s okay, you can admit it. I’ll only say I told you so for the next week straight!” Porsche tried loosening up the tension he could feel radiating from the other by softly patting him on the shoulder as if in playful understanding.

Little did he know that Kinn was barley tasing any of the coffee in discussion anymore with how many thoughts were clouding his mind and clogging up his senses.

Get a grip.

“O-Oh no, no. I just suddenly realised that I should already be heading up to my office. Arm had asked me last night if he could go through a check-up of some new wireless recoding devices we want to use for the first time in that one meeting I told about you a couple of days ago, you know, the one with the French. Can’t ever trust those to keep their end of the bargain, am I right?”

“Arm? I thought Khun was gonna take him and Pol with him to look for some new plants for his fishpond? He’s been hyping himself up for weeks to be okay with less bodyguards with him on his trips outside of the compound. Is he really okay with giving up Arm as well?”

The question was innocent enough, but Kinn could see the wheels turning behind those soft but searching eyes.

Kinn really couldn’t lie to Porsche for the life of himself. But that was a problem for another day, he first needed to get out of here. Quickly.

“Chan had Big switch place with Arm just for today as of my father’s demand. He seemed to insist that someone overlook the meeting to make sure the French hadn’t anything on them themselves. Arm has this program on his laptop that can single out hidden bugs that are coded to not show up on any other of our regular tracking devices.”

That would have to do for now.

“And Khun is okay with that?” Maybe not.

“He was a bit fussy, but you know Pa, he has his own cautious but persistent way of dealing with his tantrums. And if Pa thinks we need an extra pair of eyes with the French there’s not much that’s gonna stop him from having them there. You know I don’t even bother questioning him on these things.”

Not the best thing to bring up, he realised belatedly. His father and the control he still had over their lives, even with him stepping back from the throne on paper, was still very much a soft spot for the other. He would’ve realised that sooner if he wasn’t grasping at straws at that moment.

Abord mission.

“And anyways, I’ll make it up to Khun and watch one of those weird western dating shows with him this weekend. Maybe let him put nail polish on me. Glitter even. Wait is the glitter inside the nail polish, or do you put it on afterwards? Doesn’t matter, Khun will probably do both, double the sparkle, right?”

“Hm.”

At this point he was just talking for the sake of talking, fumbling with his shoelaces after he had hastily slipped into his dress shoes. And Porsche’s eyes had followed him through all of it, a frown so slight on his face it would’ve been easily missed if it wasn’t paired with a soft head tilt, one that indicated he was trying and about to succeed in putting together the puzzle pieces presenting themselves in front of him.

Time to go.

“I’ll probably not make it to lunch or dinner today, so you just go ahead and dig in. Maybe you can go and see Chay, I know he’s been stressing over exams, and he might appreciate his older brother making sure he gets something solid inside his stomach.”

Kinn took a last look into the mirror to tame the strands of hair that he had messed up during his internal mini breakdown, the end result a little less put together than he’s used to, but it’d have to do for the time being.

He turned around and towards the table at which his boyfriends was still sitting and string his drink as if in deep of thoughts.

There really wasn’t any saving this, it seemed.

“I’ll see you tonight, okay? Keep the bed warm until then for the both of us, once you’ve finished in the office.”

“Right.”

The little sigh that followed showed that Porsche was clearly aware and also frustrated with Kinn’s tendencies rather avoid then voice whatever it was that had put him on edge, enough for him to want to get away from his lover for a bit, but it also revealed how well Porsche knew him as to not pressure him into talking about something he was clearly not in the right mindset to talk about yet.

As did the fact that Porsche still offered his lips up to Kinn for a chaste goodbye kiss, the latter crossing the room in big steps to show his partner how grateful he was for his understanding. Even though the other was still clueless as to what he was being understandable about.

“But it’s not just Chay that forgets to eat when he’s busy, is he? You better take a break as well, Mister. Or I’ll have Arm force feed you!” The second kiss following the first interlocking of their lips was a lot quicker, but that much softer.

“I need both my boys looked after and cared for.”

The love, care and worry conveyed both physically and verbally almost made Kinn break. But he couldn’t, not yet anyway. Knew that he wouldn’t be able to express what it was that had his skin feel clammy and his throat almost threatening to close up with mild anxiety.

Tonight.

“As you wish, baby.”

Once he had set foot outside of their apartment, it was autopilot from thus forth, the first half of his day going by in a daze of paperwork, online meetings, and even more paperwork. While he hadn’t been completely truthful about the details of his schedule for the day, he had never-ending duties to tend to regardless. And even as he was admittedly a little bit more clumsy and fidgety in how he carried himself throughout the day, it did well enough in keeping his mind working for all the right reasons.

It wasn’t until well into the afternoon and past his lunch time when his grumbling stomach had him leave the wing his office was place in and head towards the canteen that it struck him again why he had been in such a hurry to get away that morning.

Because just there in the windows in the hallway connecting the different buildings of the compound together was he greeted with the view of his lover and Chay out in the open garden space where he’d often find his late mother spending her days taking care of her flowers and plants.

The two brothers were spread out on a blanket with various different kinds of food scattered around them.

Although he couldn’t really hear anything of what was actually being said behind the glass, just by their body language he could feel just how much fun they were having, Porsche’s mouth wide open and head thrown back as he was leaning back on his elbows, presumably laughing about something his little brother had said or done, before he suddenly threw his whole body weight onto the other, starting a playful wrestling match that had the pair rolling around and off their blanked until they seemed to run out of air and flopped back besides one another.

And even with their clothes all muddied up and various pieces of grass stuck in their hair, there wasn’t a more beautiful sight Kinn could’ve stumbled upon on, neither a more painful one.

Because for as much as he loved his own brothers, he never had this, and he wasn’t sure he ever would.

The closest to this he had ever come to was when his mother was still alive, her love for everything nature and having three young and rowdy boys being a perfect match. But it felt like he was only granted that for less than a blink of an eye before everything was ripped away from him in the form of a bullet straight through his mother’s chest right in front of his eyes.

He was only seven years old, until he wasn’t anymore. Because with her died any chance at a shred of a somewhat normal and loving childhood that he would ever be granted to have.

And seeing what Porsche had with his own brother, what had been taken from both the Kittisawats from a young age as well, and what Porsche had worked so hard to still be able to give his little brother regardless, it left him in bits. Knowing what could be taken away from them just by association to Kinn and his family.

Everything that Kinn wouldn’t be able to give Porsche.

Wouldn’t be able to be for Porsche.

Everything that he had and would continue to take from Porsche.

It was all too much.

Because Porsche wasn’t just the Leader of the Minor Family. He wasn’t even just the partner of the Leader of the Major family. Nor was he simple a big brother to little Chay. He was a protector by nature. He was the good in everything that was bad and wrong in this world.

Made to take on a parental figure.

And if he didn’t ever want a child of his own, he was already as close to a parent figure as Chay could’ve ever asked for, Kinn was sure about that. And he’d continue to be just that, no matter his brother’s age.

So where did all that leave Kinn? Because he wasn’t anything like that - didn’t know how to be a good brother to his own, a good son to his father, even less so to be a good father himself. Not for Chay, or anyone else along the way. He barely managed to make right by his own partner.

If Porsche ever wanted to start a family of his own, something that he seemed to be almost made for, could Kinn give him that?

Not in the physical sense – if Kinn and his family had one thing, then that was the financial means to make a pregnancy happen for them.

But was he emotionally ready to do so? Would he ever able to be that vulnerable to open himself up to yet another person, one who’s life would be entirely dependent on him.

Him? In this world? With all of his own fuckups? The same ones that had him, and still have him, struggling to get close to even the people he already viewed as the dearest to himself.

It’s not like someone being family had stopped him for hurting them before.

And wouldn’t the possibility of their offspring not even being theirs biologically only serve as more of a risk to its’ life? What if one day he’d let his father’s whispers get to him and turn on the life he was supposed to protect only because it didn’t share their blood with them?

Kinn had been working on shutting the insecurities his father had hammered into him out, but they still had a way of worming themselves back into his subconscious.

So what if they ever where to take back control over him fully. Had him lose his grip on everything within him that him and Porsche had worked so hard on to build up and instead go back to his old and broken self. The self that couldn’t clearly separate right from wrong, good from bad, and being a protector from being a full-on monster.

And maybe Porsche didn’t even want to have children, knowing that his current situation didn’t allow him to get his hopes up to begin with.

Wasn’t that also Kinn’s fault? He dragged him into all of this, practically forced him to give himself over to this world for the rest of his life, with no way out other then death itself.

So even if Porsche hadn’t thought much about his future and a family of his own in it, wasn’t he already being robbed of even the possibility of considering it just by being with Kinn? Thinking he didn’t want to ever be a father, when in reality he knew not to allow himself to even just believe and hope he ever could be.

Either way, all roads led back to Kinn. He is the root of all problems. Of all pain and sorrow.

The green stains on Porsche’s suit and the wrinkles left from the tussle he had with Chay made Kinn’s fingers twitch. Things that would’ve gotten him a lashing as a kid.

Never by his father, he couldn’t even be bothered enough with these things. Had one of the men put in his detail to report back on his behaviour to the eldest Theerapanyakul to do these things for him. Believing that his father did so because he hadn’t gotten it in him to actually physically hurt his own son almost made Kinn feel better about the whole thing. But just barely.

The headache he felt coming up from low within him had him break away from the window, his original late lunch (or rather dinner) plans forgotten just as he lost his appetite to the anxiety building up within him the longer he stood within the corridor, just contemplating on his fucked up upbringing.

“Rain”

“Yes, sir?” One of his bodyguards who had been standing a respectable distance away from him, waiting for his boss’ next move, walked closer to the other attentively.

“I want you to tell Arm to cancel all the other meetings planned for today. Have him reschedule them depending on urgency.” Kinn made sure to not let anything slip on his face (not that any of his man would dare to question him on his decisions either way).

“Tell him I’ll be heading to the training rooms if he needs to still run something by me.”

Kinn had already turned around and away from both the open windows and his guard when the other’s hesitant voice spoke up.”

“Sir, uhm…would you want me to let Khun Porsche know about your whereabouts?”

It would’ve been so easy, the no already on the tip of his tongue.

Old habits die hard after all.

And he knew his guard would have no other option but to follow his orders given that although both family details answered to both heads of the families, his man still had to follow his orders first and foremost.

But it was of no use. Porsche would find out that he had cut his day short. Because Porsche had a sense for these things. And because even as loyal as Arm was to Kinn, he was still Porsche’s friend. And sometimes an idiot with a loose mouth.

Kinn let out a barely audible sign.

It would be for the better anyway, he knew.

“Yeah. Let him know I had a migraine and decided to move some of my meetings to call in early today.”

“Yes, Khun.”

With a final nod Kinn finally made his way back to where he came from, waving the rest of his guards off so he could get himself a few moments of peace.

He made a beeline for the elevators, heading to the training rooms underground. The few seconds alone in the lift plenty for the burden of the day to weigh heavy enough on his shoulders for them to physically drop, and with them the hard mafia boss façade he perfectly crafted for himself every day as soon as he stepped foot outside of his home.

He was so unbelievably tired. Of everything and nothing all at once.

The staff made sure to always keep fresh gym wear ready for him in the private changing rooms away from the community ones, so he made quick work of getting his work clothes off and to slip into his training shorts and a black tank top, his dress shoes exchanged for comfortable trainers.

He didn’t get a chance to train nearly as often enough as he wanted to, but he still immediately felt so much lighter out of his stuffy clothes and away from curious eyes. The only thing he kept on himself was the watch that Porsche had gifted him for their first anniversary.

In fact, it was actually his own watch – the same one his lover had snatched from his wrist as payment that one fateful night of their first encounter.

“You still have that watch? I almost forgot all about it.”

“What, thought I had pawned it off somewhere for cheap for some takeaway and a couple of beers, Khun Kinn?”

“You know that I’m aware that you’re not that dumb. But…Porsche. I know how much you and Chay were struggling back then thanks to that good for nothing uncle of yours. This would’ve gotten you a long way in clearing off your debts.”

“Yeah, I know. And I gotta be honest, that was my first line of thoughts as well. Had my uncle look into it and everything. But there was something about the way he was acting that just wasn’t sitting right with me. Little did I know that he was trying to fuck over his own family, that lying scumbag, but I was thankfully suspicious enough to not go through with it. And…”

“And, what?”

“And…maybe a tiny part of me was hoping that me holding onto the watch would mean that you’d track me down to get it back or something. That, you know, maybe I’d be able to see you again…”

“Is that so?”

“Don’t get too cocky, you bastard. It was because I knew I could get a lot more out of you if I just had some more time to let my charm do its thing. And it worked didn’t it. I’m wearing your fancy family ring right now, aren’t I. How much do you think that would make me?”

“So, you’re telling me it wasn’t because you wanted to feel me all pressed up against your back again, like I was during our motorcycle escapade? Have me go ‘that the watch in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?’”

“Shup und and eat your fucking food, Kinn.”

Porsche had apparently asked Arm to put a tracker inside the watch before giving it to him.

 And Kinn actually didn’t mind that at all.

Because with Porsche’s consent he had Arm do the same to the silver chain Porsche always wore around his neck (one that had belonged to his late mother and one that Porsche therefore never took off if he could help it).

It was a mutual decision – and not because they didn’t trust each other. Porsche was probably the only person besides maybe his brothers that Kinn would follow blindly – and even if he himself still struggled to understand to this day what the other saw in him, Porsche made sure to let him know each and every day that the feeling was mutual.

But trusting each other also meant trusting the other enough to always come through in times of emergency.

And having something that the other would rarely ever take off could help track their exact location during life and death situations. Not to mention that with two headstrong and emotionally stunted men who sometimes had trouble asking for help when they in fact needed it, having the other come to you instead of the other way around came in handy.

Making his way first over to the boxing bags, the training hall fell into almost complete silence with the exception of the squeaking of the shoes of the last few staff members scurrying out to give their boss his privacy. And he needed the quiet if he wanted to work through his inner turmoil regarding that matter once and for all.

The first couple of punches to the boxing bag were just to get a feel of the thing, seeing as it wasn’t necessarily Kinn’s preferred kind of work-out. This was more so Kim’s style, the youngest Theerapanyakul preferring his bare fists over a weapon in a fight. And it’s from Kim that he’d learned boxing to be a great way to let off some steam and work out any physical as well as mental knots.

Only a few minutes in, Kinn was already working up a sweat.

There was an almost pleasant sort of burning in the muscles of his arms and torso, his abdominal muscles aching with every other breathe and grounding him in the here and now.

But something was still missing.

Because Kinn wasn’t here for a distraction, for something to keep his mind busy and away from his actual troubles.

That’s something old Kinn would’ve wanted, the one that saw emotions and feeling as nothing but a waste of time and resources and a show of weakness like a gushing wound that needed stitching up.

This Kinn knew that there’s only so long one can run away. Not deal with it and watch yourself and the people you love suffer for it.

Kinn needed a moment to himself, some peace and quiet. Not to push the thoughts and feelings back and away into the background, but to bring them to the foreground and get to their roots. He owed that much to Porsche and everything they had been through together.

That’s why, after a few rounds of mindless jabs and kicks, Kinn lightly dabbed his sweat away with the towel he had brought with him before making his way to the compound’s shooting range.

While the boxing had helped work out his initial kinks and nervous itches that had formed under his skin, his unfamiliarity with the sport meant that most of his focus was put on getting the moves right instead of sorting out the midlife crises he seemed to be going through.

Shooting, on the other hand, that he knew how to do in his sleep. It’s what he grew up doing, what he was meant to do the moment he was born into Thailand’s most notorious mafia family, and how he’ll most likely go out of this world – guns blazing.

Feeling the familiar heavy feel and the coldness of the metal of his gun in his hands immediately let a relived sigh breathe out of between his lips.

Already much better.

While he didn’t have this particular gun for as long as some other ones in his collection, he wouldn’t let anyone else ever handle it, let alone take it from him. It is one of his most priced possessions. Not necessarily in material valued, god knows the compound was full of much more costly things. But it was one of a kind, a true show of love and care in their own fucked-up world. Because it was Porsche’s very own rendition of the lucky gun that Kinn had given him before.

Seeing as Kinn knew the kind of danger and sticky situations Porsche would find himself in, now not only as the partner of the leader of the Main family, but also as the leader of the Minor family himself, Kinn had given his own lucky gun to Porsche as a permanent thing.

The deal still stands – make sure to bring this gun back to me, as well as yourself – but now this promise was a constant one, making sure that every day his lover walked out of their home in the morning, he would return back to Kinn’s arms at the end of each one. Porsche saw it only fitting that the favour would be returned.

“You better make sure I get this one back as well, mister. Or I’ll have to cash in another kind of gun.”

The gun Porsche had gifted him was almost a replica of his own, only that this one was adored in golden details, in contract to the silver counterpart Porsche was currently carrying. The gold resembled his lovers equally as glorious skin, the curves and lines of the weapon almost as fascinating as the others beautifully steong yet elegant build.

It was a means of giving life. Something to save his life with. Like how Porsche saved his life every day he spent with him. How their connection had ignited a kind of joy in living and loving that he hadn’t felt in a long while, didn’t even know he was allowed to feel. Something that could keep him alive as easily as it could take everything from him.

His very own beautiful yet deadly weapon. And Kinn vowed to be the same to Porsche.

As soon as Kinn took of the safety and position himself in front of the wall full of targets to shoot up, he immediately went into autopilot, the following repeating movements allowing him to find the right headspace to get to the roots to his problem.

Because the actual issue started right then and there. Right in that room. In that building. That world.

This life he was living.

This whole day he had been writing this discomfort with what Porsche had said earlier in the morning off to the simple fact that he didn’t want any kids. That it just wasn’t his thing, not something he ever desired and thus didn’t want to have to break to Porsche.

But it’s not that, never was that.

Did the remark about him possibly being a father someday catch him off-guard? Absolutely.

That wasn’t something he gave much thought to, like ever. Didn’t think he’d ever have to think about. There was the gay thing, for once. Then also the lack of partners willing to stay with him for something other than money or just a good fuck. Or the fact that his head was filled with numbers for business transactions and list of names to kill or have killed for him, that it never really left much room for others things beyond that, things that weren’t directly work related.

Oh, and then there were also the daddy issues and his tendencies to be in life-or-death situations.

All in all, not a very appropriate environment to think about a family of his own in, let alone to actually raise a child in. But it went deeper then that.

These were all reasons pretty much out of his control. Things that were directly linked to his job as one of the leaders of the Underworld.

So, what if all of those factors were nullified? If he woke up tomorrow, no empire beneath his feet, no guards at his beck and call, and no hits out on his head. Just as Kinn Anakinn Theerapanyakul. Not Second Son to Korn Theerapanyakul, King of Bangkok, or Feared Dragon of the Shadows.

Could he ever give another human being that one thing that everyone should be able to give, no matter what title they go by or what their bank balance looks like.

Unconditional love.

He loves Porsche, there’s no doubt behind that. Porsche is and means anything. It’s as much as Kinn will ever love anybody.

But it always came with conditions. The love he had to give always came with hurt. With so much pain and grief.

He had done things to the people that he was supposed to love with everything he had. Things that he could never ever forgive himself for, did not have the right to write off as a forgotten past. Things he would be ashamed off until he breathed his last breath on this earth.

Sure, Porsche says he has forgiven him. And he knows his lover isn’t lying, knows him well enough to feel if there was still any lingering resentment for the rough patches their relationship went through especially in the beginning stages. But then again, Porsche what his own person. Headstrong enough to know to leave if Kinn overstepped any lines like that ever again.

Kinn was always scared of possibly hurting Porsche again, but not scared that Porsche would just sit back quietly and suffer through it. And Kinn loved the other for it, that he knew his own worth.

But bringing a new life into this world. Possibly creating it yourself.

There was no going back. No out. This being would always be linked to him. God forbit it would inherent traits from him. The ugliest sides of him at that, if it really lucked out.

Or what if it took after Porsche. His beautiful, kind-hearted, sweet Porsche. What if it embodies everything good in this world.

And Kinn and his hideous world crush it whole.

After all, Kinn knew best to kill. So what did he realistically know about giving life?

It’s not like he has any positive role-models to go by. Sure, it could’ve probably been way worse. He could’ve been brought up in the Minor family. Given him two or three more scoops of issues to carry with himself through life. But all the familial feelings of love and true care had died with his mother that one fateful summer day when he was only seven years old. And so had his father, leaving him with someone he only addressed with such a title from there on forward.

The most he had gotten from his father was a good job, boy and a nod when he did well on a mission, the worse was a beating and an empty stomach to force himself to sleep with. But what really and truly broke him was the mild disinterest that filled the gap in-between. There was no way to get his father’s attention outside of going to the extremes on either end.

This, on top of the burden that had been placed upon his shoulders with Khun’s kidnapping and change of personality that had led to his own naming as the new heir had also weakened his bond with the rest of his family, namely his brothers. Because it felt like the only way to get that already limited source of fatherly attention and approval was to be in competition with said fathers for it.

It had seemed like Kim had given up on that entirely rather soon, leaving the family home not a day late of turning eighteen years old. But by then the true damage was already done.As soon he had stepped foot out of the compound it had felt like Kinn had lost yet another part of his family. Khun was a complicated case of his own entirely.

So no, there wasn’t much Kinn knew about healthy familial relationships and parental love. And he didn’t want to dump it all on Porsche and be the working absent father who ended up giving his liquor drawer more attention and care than his own flesh and blood.

Then Porsche would probably finally leave him too, just like everyone always did.

Like his mother did. His father in his own right. Then his brothers. Tawan.

Fuck, he couldn’t even keep the people he paid around, Vegas be damned.

He only realised how much his hands where shaking when the next bullet out of how many dozen he had already emptied missed its mark entirely and went into the wall next to it instead. He hadn’t bothered to put any soundproof earwear on, being too in his own head anyway to be bothered by the loud noises every new bullet let out. He was already fucked up all over, his ears wouldn’t make or break anything for him at that point.

The creaking of a door being opened slowly he did register, however, now back in touch with his surroundings and his own body. He didn’t know how long he was at it, but by the different rounds lying empty on the floor it must have been long enough for his absences have been noticed.

Or rather, for his absence to be noticed by Porsche.

He used the last few moments as the careful steps were coming closer to safely dispose of the gun in his hand and wipe away the sweat he had worked up on his forehead and upper lip (be it from any of the actual physical activities he had partook in or the mild panic attack he had been trying to suppress for most of the day).

It was only when strong yet soft arms wrapped around his torso and an equally as delicate kiss was left on his neck that he felt like truly taking a breath of air in for the first time in hours.

“Who are you trying to impress here all alone, huh?” The words were murmured into his neck, despite of the clammy state his skin must be in at that moment.

“If you think my gun handling skills here were impressive, you haven’t seen the half of it.”

Even to his own ears his attempt to lighten the mood and distract from the heaviness that was still settled within the air seemed weak at best.

Still, Porsche played along for just a moment longer, letting one of his hands drift down to the other’s hip to give it a light few pats. From what Kinn could feel, the other had also changed out of his work clothes, most likely opting for his typical causal wear of a simple t-shirt and jeans.

Almost like when we first met.

“Oh, I know all about your perfect aim. Always going for the eyes first.”

That had a weak little chuckle make its way out of Kinn’s mouth, his hands that he hadn’t even realised he had cramped up into tight fists at his sides loosening up to warp around Porsche’s arms on himself and subsequently tightening the hold his lover had on him.

“You with me now? Wanna tell me what that was all about this morning. And then the rescheduling thing.”

While it was a yes or no question, Kinn knew that just glossing over the matter wasn’t going to work here. But even so, he also knew that Porsche wouldn’t push him to open up right then and there if Kinn expressed to him that he wasn’t ready to just now. It was more of a I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk approach.

Kinn would probably never be fully ready to get vulnerable (thanks pa), but he also knew that without proper and honest communication the foundation a relationship is based on collapses, and so do they. And Kinn had learned the hard way that he would never be ready to lose Porsche. Never again, if he could be helped.

“You said something this morning,” Kinn started still somewhat absentmindedly, aimlessly playing with one of Porsche’s hands splayed out on his own stomach. “I don’t know, it just got me thinking.”

“I say a lot of stuff, especially when I’m tired and/or sleepy. Whatever I said was probably out of my mouth before my brain could catch up.”

“Oh…”

Porsche who had preciously laid one of his cheeks onto the expanse of Kinn’s back straightened his head up again to take a peek at Kinn’s face over his shoulder, the tension in the older’s jaw hinting at the fact that he might have accidently said the wrong thing.

“Then again, you did let me sleep in today and you kept me well fed, so I must’ve been onto something, whatever it was.” Porsche made an appreciative hum to go along with it. “But you gotta give me a bit more to work with here, baby.”

Kinn let the other softly sway the two of them from side to side while he stumbled to find the right words.

“Well, you know…”

“Hm”

Kinn actually wasn’t sure anymore if it was his nerves or the fact that Porsche was pressed so closely to his own body that had him struggling.

“About us having children, or whatever.”

The way Porsche suddenly halted his previous swaying movements had Kinn freeze up too, afraid that he might have fucked it up completely somehow with just a few mumbled words.

Wouldn’t be the first time you messed up.

But instead of letting go of him or making a run for it, Porsche just playfully tickled him under his chin and pressed himself even closer to Kinn, something that almost seemed impossible with how they were already intertwined with one another.

“Children? As far as I know I didn’t get anyone pregnant in at least a good while. And I don’t even think you could get anyone pregnant even if you tried, no offence buddy.”

When yet another of his attempts to lighten the mood fell onto deaf ears as Kinn started to fidget out of the tight embrace, Porsche took on a more cautious stance and turned Kinn towards him. He didn’t fully put his hands back on Kinn but lightly brushed them up and down the other’s sides, making sure to show that he was serious about listening to what Kinn had been trying to get off his chest while also giving him enough space to not feel harried.

Now, he could see much more clearly how red and chewed up Kinn’s lips were and how his hair looked messy in a way that was less because of a heavy workout session and more because of how many times the other had gone through it with his hand. He knew that this was going to have to be an actual serious conversation, something that even Porsche himself with his own demons struggled to not deflect away from.

But Kinn needs me fully present right now.

“Do you mean what I said while we were eating?”

“Yeah,” Porsche gave him an encouraging nod and smile. “About how I’d make a…how I’d make a great father, someday.”

“And you feel uncomfortable with that.”

There was no judgment to that observation, just curiosity and encouragement for Kinn to go on.

“Kinda. Well, it kinda sorta really caught me off guard.” Kinn chuckled nervously.

“But if it was just something you said offhandedly and don’t even mean then I don’t wanna make it into more of a big deal than it has to be-“

Kinn was now mostly talking to the floor, too embarrassed by his own outburst that might have been for nothing at all at the end.

“Baby, slow down.” Porsche took Kinn’s face into both of his hands to direct the others eye onto his own. “Yeah, sure it was mostly a spur-of-the-moment thing.  Doesn’t mean I didn’t actually mean it, though.”

His eyes took on a tiny bit of mischievous glint as Porsche scanned Kinn’s face, his thumbs on both sides of the other’s face brushing back and forth on top of his skin.

“I already know I’ll have to be the strict and boring bad cop parent if I want anything to get done, you big softy.”

“Porsche, I’m literally trained to be a killer. There’s nothing soft about me.” Kinn was growing more and more frustrated, not being able to full bring his point across. “The only thing I could ever offer a child is hereditary trauma and daddy issues.”

Porsche was spotting a soft frown now, his soft touches never hardening regardless.

“That’s not all there is to you.”

The younger took the tiniest of steps closer to him.

“Yeah sure, they’re part of you, but they’re not you. There’s so much to you, Kinn. So much you have to offer to this world. To the people that you love and that love you. You have to know that by now.”

“I love you, but that hasn’t stopped me from hurting you either.” Kinn couldn’t help his voice from slightly cracking.

“Why would that be any different to when we bring another life into this world. Into this rotten world of ours, of mine. The same one that I dragged you into.”

“First of all,” Porsche’s voice took on a more pointed tone, but not any less warm. “You didn’t drag me into anything, uncle Thee did. I would’ve probably already been dead by now and Chay fully an orphan if we hadn’t met the way we did.”

Porsche was already going again before Kinn could protest.

“And second of all, while yes, you have made mistakes, and yes, you have hurt me,” Porsche made sure that he didn’t break away from their intense eye contact. “The fact that you haven’t just tried to brush any of it off tells me exactly what kind of person you are. Kinn, you still get nightmares over things that even I don’t regularly think about anymore. And that it because you know right from wrong. Because you actually care about me and what happens to me. It’s because, despite everything in your life going against it, you are a good person.”

“I don’t think Kim or Khun would agree with that statement. They are my family, Porsche. People in my life I’m bound to by blood, and all I have ever done was disappoint them.”

Kinn was starting to shake slightly again.

“My own brothers, and they barely want anything to do with me. I act like I don’t care, can’t have emotions get into the way of leadership, right? But it still hurts. And I have no one to blame but myself for that.”

“No, Kinn.” Porsche took another step forward, this one putting him back into the others immediate personal space. “You were raised in a specific way and environment that taught you being too close to anyone would get you and them killed. You didn’t make the choice to distance yourself from anyone or anything, that choice was made for you.”

“And Kim and Khun? They do not hate you. Do you hear me, love? They don’t.”

“Kim would be caught dead before he steps foot into here.”

“Because he doesn’t wanna see your father, not because of you."

“But he’s still out there all alone doing god knows what. While I do what? Sit on my ass and count my bloody money.”

“Kim knows what to do, do you think I would trust him enough with Chay if I didn’t think he’d manage himself fine enough?”

“Yeah, no thanks to me. I can’t even properly take care of my own brother.”

“You can’t always be physically there for him because of your responsibilities, sure. But you still have a personal on him, people to make sure he stays unharmed without having to be a prisoner to his own family name. And he appreciates that, he just doesn’t know how to express it. You know, kinda a common factor within the Theerapanyakul clan.”

The look of uncertainty and disbelieve in Kinn’s eyes further fuelled Porsche.

“You know how Chay and I talk almost daily. He tells me stuff. Stuff that Kim says for example. That boy looks up to you, Kinn.”

Porsche’s eyes flutter softly as he sees the slight wetness behind Kinn’s eyes.

“He knows what you had to give up, for both him and Khun. The things you reluctantly do so that they won’t have to. He knows you care, it’s impossible not to.”

Two pairs of wet eyes met in the middle.

“You know why?”

Kinn shakes his head almost as if in autopilot, the way Porsche’s eyes were welling up like his own a fascinating and confusing sight to see for him.

“Because when you love, you love with all you have. I should know.” His smile was as beaming as it was wet.

“There is not one day I wake up, not feeling loved and cared for. I know when I open my eyes that I’m safe, because you would rather die yourself then let anything happen to me. And when I go to bed at night, I know that even if all of our men suddenly decide to betray us and turn on us, you’d set the whole of Bangkok on fire before you’d let anyone get close enough to me to hurt me. Wouldn’t you agree.”

“I’ve vowed to protect you with my life, always. And I’m a man of my words.”

“Just like you wouldn’t let anything happen to your brothers. Or to your friends, right?”

Porsche is looking up at him, hopeful that Kinn is following him in his line of thoughts.

 Meanwhile the other had a look of determination and desperation on his face.

“No question. I will never let anyone touch any of you.”

“Chay too?”

“I love that boy like he’s my own.”

“Because apart from him being my little brother, I’ve been raising him for most of my life like he was my own as well, isn’t it.”

Kinn gave a sharp and sure nod.

“Do you think I’ve never made any mistakes or wrong moves in all these years with Chay in my care?”

“Of course not! You yourself were only young, and the situation you were in was absolutely shitty to say the least. You’ve always done your best, that’s all one could ever ask from you.”

 Now it was Kinn’s turn to step closer towards Porsche, the older mimicking the hold Porsche had on his own face with the younger’s face instead. “You are amazing, darling.”

“So, if love, care and occasional mistakes are all a package deal, why should you have deprive yourself of any of them for the sake of the others?”

With how close they were to one another it came out of Porsche as more of a whisper than anything, but not any less sure in its message.

“You don’t think I’ll just be a clone of my father. You know if we ever do think about…kids?”

“Do you want to be like your father?”

“No. Having no father would’ve been better that whatever he was trying to be.”

There was way more strength in Kinn’s voice now, a fiery passion behind his eyes that was one unique to the other.

Love wasn’t a strong enough word to describe what Porsche felt towards the other right in that moment.

“And it takes two to tango, doesn’t it. I’m still here, and I’m not planning to go anywhere anytime soon. We’d have one another to hold the other accountable with and to help out with any short comings on the way.”

Porsche let his hands slip down Kinn’s face to put them around his neck instead just as the other slung his own arms around the younger’s waste, any breathing room left between the two now completely gone.

“If you still don’t want to have any kids, that’s fine, you know.” Porsche was weakly squeezing at his lovers’ neck to emphasises his words. “But don’t give up on it just because that stupid voice inside you tells you that you should. You’re your own worst critique, Kinn.”

“I hope you’re also taking your own advice. I feel like I’m not the only one that is still a bit insecure in our relationship.” Kinn’s was teasingly rubbing up and down the other’s back at that.

“Oh, so you’ve got jokes now, huh? Damn, I should probably write a self-help book or something. Make us stinking rich.”

“Babe, we’re already swimming in money.”

“We live in a capitalist society, there’s never enough money. Keep up, Kinn.”

“Hm”

“Also, I’d like to have it on record that I was never insecure in our relationship. It was more that I was cautious of all the celebrities and other services you still had on speed dial when we just started to really date.”

No matter how nonchalant Porsche gestured into the room, the tiny blush forming on his cheeks at being called out on his earlier phases of jealousy couldn’t be covered up as seamlessly as he probably hoped.

“Good thing there’s only one person I want a human mini version with. Someone who’s name starts with a P and ends in orsche.”

“I can’t believe this, so I really am just the other woman.”

Porsche just barely managed to dodge the teasing slap aimed his way.

“You know, whoever this P-orsche person is, I’m sure they would want nothing more than to start a family with you someday.”

“Yeah?”

Their faces were only inches away, Porsche’s response nothing but a soft breath of air on Kinn’s lips.

“I love you so much, Anakinn.”

The kiss that followed might have not been their most passionate one, more lips than a fight of tongues for dominance. And surrounded by empty bullets and metal walls, it wasn’t the most romantic setting to be kissing in either.

But it was no less tender or lacking love, the soft sound of lips sliding along each other and satisfied little hums and moans filling the otherwise cold and quite space. So entangled in one another, it could’ve been only a few minutes, a few hours, or even entire days before they slowly pulled apart from one another. But never too fare, an invisible string always keeping them in one another’s sphere.

Neither of them ever believed themselves worthy of feeling like this. To be able to find something like this. A bond so purely love, it could trick even time and space.

Their love story was undoubtedly one for the books.

 “Now come on, up you go! You freaking stink and there’s a hot shower calling out your name.”

“But you gotta scrub my back for me, yeah?”

Porsche gave a bemused little headshake before taking the other’s hand to tug him into the direction of the exit door.

“Almost forgot I already got myself a big baby right here.”

“And I’m pretty sure you still owe me a blowjob.”

“Not before you’ve washed behind your balls, I don’t.”

That had the older bolting the rest of the way to their room.

It’s gonna feel like raising two children when the time comes, isn’t it?