Archive of Our Own ^beta

To love you like before

Upon arriving at the Fragrant Palace, Jin GuangYao stopped, startled for an instant.

But there was no reason for the sudden shiver that ran down his back, inside there was no one else except his wife, standing in the middle of the room, the dim light shrouding her figure in shadows, with a piece of paper in her right hand.

Jin GuangYao adjusted his expression, the everlasting smile back on his face, masking any discomfort he might feel, before speaking.

"A-Su, what happened?" Qin Su's face was pale, the eyes Jin GuangYao knew as innocent and almost naive, wide open and dry. "What's that in your hand?"

"I met with someone today," Qin Su turned her face and at the sight of him, a grimace distorted her face. It was a smile, but at the same time, it didn't look like a smile. "That person told me some things and gave me a letter."

"What did they say to you?" he asked, keeping the same kind and calm tone. However, the least he felt was calm. Underneath his warm expression, Jin GuangYao's heart was pounding, while the familiar panic was running through his body and a thousand alternatives invaded his mind, one worse than the other. "You can't believe everything they say, will you let me see that letter?"

Qin Su stretched the paper toward him. Her face still wore the same distorted smile, but when he came closer, she seemed to relax. Jin GuangYao read the contents and Qin Su squeezed the paper between her fingers as he averted his eyes.

"It's been years," her voice was such a soft whisper that Jin GuangYao barely heard it. "Will you tell me the truth now?"

Jin GuangYao's smile trembled. Telling the truth was not something he could afford.

"What truth? How can I say that kind of delusions are true? A-Su, who gave you that letter?"

Qin Su sighed, her expression defeated. She walked away, shaking his head and Jin GuangYao's anxiety increased. He couldn't allow Qin Su not to believe him. For a long time he thought about what he would do if his wife found out the truth, if she was unable to accept it and he knew that none of the options were good. But he also knew himself well enough to know that he would do what he would have to do, even if it caused him to hate himself at the very thought of harming her.

"A-Su," he insisted, trying to sound convincing. "Even if you believe that letter, haven't we lived a harmonious life so far? Why should anything change? We have always respected each other, can't we continue to live that way?"

At his words, Qin Su smiled.

"I don't think I want to live that way anymore, A-Yao."

Jin GuangYao stepped back, as if her words had suddenly hurt him. Of course Qin Su would find it disgusting, even he believed it, even he believed that his feelings were immoral and shameful, that what he did was worse than murder. But despite knowing this, her admitting it caused him pain.

He reached out, trying to block her meridians and take the letter from her hands, but Qin Su approached the lotus candlestick and brought the paper close to the flames. Then, she lifted the letter and watched as the fire consumed the paper little by little, without dropping it, the flames illuminating the soft angles of her face and making her older, her expression hard as if made of sharp rocks. Suddenly, Jin GuangYao felt that he did not know his wife at all.

When the flames almost reached her fingers, Jin GuangYao reached over, wrapping Qin Su's wrist between his fingers and squeezing it so that she opened her hand and dropped the last piece of paper into the candlestick. On the floor at Qin Su's feet, gray ashes marked what was left of the letter and it was she who grabbed his wrist this time, tugging on his arm.

"Husband, will you tell me the truth now?" she urged. The smile no longer looked like a grin, it was the same warm smile as always. "Even if you have kept the secret for so many years, can you at least say yes or no?"

Jin GuangYao considered her words. Being so close, he could handle her. Although he never wanted to harm her more than he already did, if there were no options, he could keep her alive... he could say she went crazy. But at least he owed her the truth.

"Yes," he answered.

A single word to end more than a decade of lies. He expected crying, screaming, he was willing to take whatever blows Qin Su wanted to give him to vent her hatred. But he wasn't expecting the smile of relief on his wife's face, nor the way her eyes sparkled, as if he had given her a valuable gift, and not the confirmation of his betrayal and shame.

Suddenly, Qin Su's hands came to rest on his cheeks, and in the flickering light of the chandelier, she rested her lips on Jin GuangYao's lips.

It was the first kiss they had shared since before their wedding. The first kiss in over ten years and Jin GuangYao found her lips as soft as he remembered them, as warm as the first time.

"My husband, come," Qin Su's hands closed on his forearms, walking toward his chambers. "We have much to discuss."

Stupefied, Jin GuangYao let himself be guided, barely reacting as the door closed, leaving them enveloped in the soft scent of incense, and the golden light of the lamps that adorned Qin Su's room. Feeling guilty, his eyes strayed to the bed, draped with pink curtains, the bed he had never lain on.

Qin Su pressed another soft kiss on his lips and this time, Jin GuangYao reacted. She was... they were... he couldn't.

"A-Su?" he asked. He grabbed her shoulders and pulled her away, watching her face, looking for signs of madness or possession. "What are you doing? The letter..."

He had just admitted that the contents of the letter were true. Why wasn't she crying and cursing him? Deep down, Jin GuangYao had always wanted someone who understood his reasons, not just a person, but a righteous person, not an accomplice in his crimes, but one of the people he himself considered good.

He always believed that, if any of those people found out about his crimes, they would see him as little less than a madman, a worm. For that reason, he never considered being honest.

But Qin Su's eyes had no hardness in them, only sympathy.

"What do you think I'm doing? A-Yao, haven't you protected me for all these years? Haven't you carried this burden all by yourself for so many years? I'm your wife, it's my duty to help too. Come, sit down and let's talk."

Gently, Qin Su led him to a nearby table and even poured him a cup of tea before sitting down.

"How long have you known?" he asked. The teacup remained where it was, untouched. 

"I've known for many years. A-Yao, did I complain when you refused to touch me? You used all sorts of excuses, and for a long time I suspected you had a mistress and was willing to find out her name. But it wasn't a mistress I found."

"I would not have been unfaithful to you," he answered. He knew very well the pain of being displaced, he even understood the hatred Madam Jin felt for him and for that reason, he never complained about the abuses she subjected him to. He knew what it felt like to be humiliated. "I would never allow a single mockery to be said towards you, A-Su. I have already committed such a terrible act towards you, how could I?"

Qin Su burst out laughing. There was no happiness in his laughter.

"Do you think it was so terrible?" she asked, her amber eyes full of sadness, but also hope.

"How could it be anything else? A-Su, you and I..." he had never said it out loud.

Though he thought about it every day, he never said it out loud, though that word echoed in his head when his hands betrayed him and reached unseemly to Qin Su's back or to the bare skin of her shoulders, to her waist... he always stopped with that word and felt like the worst trash for even thinking about Qin Su that way.

"...siblings," he finished in a whisper, his eyes fixed on the teacup, not wanting to see her face. "We are..."

"What does it matter?" she said suddenly. Jin GuangYao raised his head abruptly. "Tell me something, do you regret it because we are... Just because of that? Or do you regret loving me?"

"A-Su!" Jin GuangYao fell to his knees, holding his wife's hands. If he had found another way out years ago, he would have done it, he would have pushed her away instead of condemning her to this pantomime of a marriage they had. "What does it matter what I feel? What happened should never have happened. Of course I regret it, I condemned you to this life. I robbed you of a son, I..."

"Stop it, stop it," Qin Su interrupted him. She also looked distraught, her eyes watery, but when she spoke, it seemed like she was talking to herself, a speech she had repeated to herself hundreds of times. "I've thought about it a lot, ever since I found out, I've thought about it day after day. Was it your fault? Did you know? Does it matter? I was never that man's daughter. I never was, I only have one father and it's not yours. I just need you to tell me, do you regret loving me?"

Looking at the tears on her cheeks, Jin GuangYao slowly shook his head. How could he? To him, it was a miracle that a girl like her, who could have any suitor she wanted, would notice him and reciprocate his affections. And now, when he looked at her and found only acceptance and affection, how could he regret it? How could he not love her?

"You didn't steal a child from me," he whispered. "A-Yao, A-Yao, I knew what you were planning."

In whispers, Qin Su confessed to having followed the wagon that was supposed to take Rusong, his son, away from the Jin. Away from his parents, and from the suspicions he could cause. Away from the people who still believed he should disappear because he was a threat to Jin Ling, the true heir. She confessed the way she poured poison into the attendants' tea and took her son back, knowing that no one was following her, busy as the sects were attending to Lianfang-zun's revenge.

"I knew you were planning to drive him away, but there were too many witnesses, A-Yao. It was too much of a risk. I let you believe he died. So it wasn't me who stole a son from you? At that time, I still hadn't decided what to feel. I was so confused, but I knew no one could find out. I know why you did it, and I understand why, back then, you decided to marry me."

"I really had no choice," he insisted. Now that Qin Su had offered him some understanding, he felt he wanted more. He wanted her to understand all his reasoning, to agree with him.

"There wasn't," she said, nodding softly. "For months, I didn't understand. But then, my father made a comment, it was just a comment. He said, "Jin GuangShan would have exterminated us.""

By that time, she had stopped crying, but the trail of dried tears had left streaks on her face. Looking at her, Jin GuangYao thought he had never found her so beautiful.

"I don't remember what I was talking about, I was so distracted," Qin Su continued, "but I thought and thought about it. If you had denounced it, if my mother had denounced it, would she have killed my dad to keep her reputation? What would have become of me? Wasn't that the very reason my mother kept the secret for so many years?

Jin GuangYao couldn't deny it. His father, that bastard, would have eliminated them all without hesitation, without thinking. Seeing the trembling smile on Qin Su's lips, he stood up, pulling her hands to stand up and hugged her. It had been a long time since he had allowed himself to hug anyone like that, much less her, but this time he didn't hold back. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and Qin Su sobbed with her face hidden in his shoulder. Crying against each other, they may have given a pathetic sight, but Jin GuangYao felt comforted.

Smiling through tears, they looked at each other and met each other halfway in a soft and quiet kiss, as if they were young again, with the same nerves with which they kissed the first time, hidden among the Jin gardens. Jin GuangYao felt, like that time, that he was taking something that did not belong to him, a treasure too valuable to soil with his unworthy hands, but like that time, it was Qin Su who encircled his neck, resting a small, slender hand on the back of his neck and forced him to stay where he was, while her trembling lips pulled away.

"Tell me, did you ever think of leaving me? You could have had another wife, or a concubine."

"I didn't want anyone else," Jin GuangYao confessed, feeling safe in her arms.

He could confess it, maybe he could even confess the way he looked at her, remembering that one night, wanting so much to erase their kinship, to erase that knowledge from his head so he could get close and touch her skin, kiss her lips...

Qin Su beamed a bright smile and kissed his cheeks with small, light kisses, like a child kissing a new toy.

"A-Su" Jin GuangYao took her hands and kissed her knuckles, unable to restrain himself when he could now. However, he had problems to deal with. "The letter, tell me, who gave it to you?"

In response, Qin Su covered her mouth with the sleeves of her left arm, as if trying to hold back a giggle. 

"I have his body in the dungeon," she confessed, and this time, several giggles escaped her lips, giving her even more the appearance of a young girl. "I told the guards that she tried to attack me and I had to defend myself, but the body may need to be analyzed."

Jin GuangYao touched her face, his thumb resting on the skin of Qin Su's cheek. Her laughter made him smile as well.

"You did well," he praised, "She could have had copies of that letter or talked to someone. A-Su is very smart."

"This wife has been watching her diligent husband for years."

This time, it was he who burst into giggles, unable to contain the bubble of happiness in his chest. For once, just once, one of the people he loved had returned that affection, had seen his worst mistakes and did not withdraw in disgust. He could cry again, but not now, when they were both in danger.

"If someone sent you a letter, that someone won't stop. I have a lot to do, A-Su."

"We have," she emphasized. "A-Yao, you mustn't do everything alone. We'll do it together."

This time, it was he who buried his face in her shoulder, trembling and holding back tears.

-Thank you," he whispered, against the skin of her neck. "A-Su, thank you."

If he had her, then maybe, for once, things could have a good ending. One where he could actually smile and not just endure the pain and hold it deep in his chest, determined to go on despite how much he was suffering. Maybe, he could even be happy.