Chapter Text
hey buck, got any plans for tonight?
hey man!
no plans, why?
what're you thinking?
well
I was wondering
if you'd like to do something with me. like, something. ... special.
…. special how?
well, unless I've been reading things really wrong, I was thinking ... we could go on a date?
like an actual DATE
oh
right
......................
you’re gonna say no
fuck, I’m sorry
clearly I got my wires crossed
hang on, okay?
you didn't read it wrong
..................
I just thought I was doing a better job of hiding how I felt
oh
you were trying to hide it?
yeah
I just….
I don't think it would be a good idea
........... right
well, forget I said anything then
I’m sorry
I just love how things are right now, you know?
you're my best friend
you don't have to explain, buck
kinda feel like I do
I'm just always messing things up and I care about you too much to risk doing that with us
I see
are we okay?
of course
we could still hang out tonight if you want?
oh
um, maybe not tonight after all
right
sure
it's not that I don't want to see you, I just
…
not tonight. I'm kinda embarrassed
embarrassed?
yeah
you don't need to be embarrassed
easier said than done 😅
I’m really sorry
this is exactly why I was tryna hide how I felt tbh
don’t worry about it
well, if you change your mind about tonight, let me know
sure
but I think I'll take Christopher out tonight instead
okay, have fun
thanks buck
I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?
yeah, sure
talk to you then
goodnight buck
goodnight eddie
*
hey buck. sorry about last night
hey, it’s fine
you doing okay?
I’m good, yeah
how’re you?
I’m fine
just kinda worried about you I guess
oh
don’t be
hey, anyway, I was gonna ask
d'you wanna come to the museum with me and Chris today? they're having a special talk on parasites and I know how much you love them 😉
I would love that!
you're sure you want me along?
um … yes?
of course
great
we're still gonna hang out, right?
I sure hope so
nothing has to change
yeah
exactly
do you want me to come over or just meet you at the museum?
whatever you like
what time are you going?
probably in an hour
sounds good
if you want I could head over now?
awesome
I'll see you soon then
see you soon
*
hey, thanks so much for inviting me along today!
anytime
it was soooo fun
knew you’d love it
😊
Chris loved that you came along, too
great
anything to make that kid happy
well you definitely did that
😁
we'll have to do something like that again soon
sure
that’d be great
awesome
you just let me know the time and place and I'll be there 😉
fantastic. there's actually a show at the planetarium Chris is keen to go to, if you're interested
it’s next weekend
sounds great!
I’ll pencil you in 😉
you can put it in permanent marker
you know, unless you change your mind and don't want me there 😛
I will always want you to hang out with us
good
then I'll join you next weekend at the planetarium
can’t wait
I've told Chris so you can't back out now
lol, as if I would
you’re stuck with me
...... great buck. that's great.
sorry
what?
I meant as friends
Yeah
I know
okay
we still good?
of course
okay
cool
well I should probably go
need some beauty sleep
no worries
goodnight buck
goodnight eddie
Chapter Text
The planetarium was dark.
Eddie hadn’t thought this through.
All he had wanted was for things to be normal between him and Buck. Like he’d never taken the chance and asked his best friend on a date. Like he hadn’t completely blown it and made things weird and strained and awkward between them.
So far, it had been working. They’d gone to the planetarium with Christopher, the kid prattling away about a dozen and one things while Eddie smiled and Buck grinned and they sort of just … skirted around each other, pretending. But pretending very, very well.
It felt normal. It felt like things were going to be fine.
But then they sat together for the show about the gas giant moons of the solar system, the dark enclosing them in a warm embrace beneath a projection of glittering stars and spiralling, rainbow-hued galaxies.
It felt … romantic.
At least it did to Eddie.
Buck’s arm rested lightly on the shared armrest between them, warm muscles just barely touching Eddie’s arm. He wanted to lean nearer, wanted to press closer. He wanted to share that warmth.
Without thinking, Eddie turned and gazed softly at Buck. His head was tipped back, a fascinated part to his lips, the false lights reflected in the brightness of his eyes … and then he lowered his chin and glanced across at Eddie.
The voice of the presenter faded away, a hum of white noise behind the volume of Buck’s stare.
Eddie wanted to look away. He knew he needed to look away.
But Buck’s eyes glittered softly through the shadows and a smile touched his mouth as he gazed at Eddie. Bending his arm, he planted his elbow into their armrest and leaned in a little. “Thanks for this,” he whispered. “It’s been so interesting. Much more fun than I anticipated.”
“You’re welcome,” Eddie murmured back. “Glad you were able to join us.”
“I always have the time for you,” Buck grinned. “You and Chris are my people.”
Something heavy and dark sank inside Eddie’s chest, something aching and desperate that twirled and twisted and hurt because the words said one thing, but Buck meant another.
Their eyes held in the darkness. If the thing between them was going somewhere then it would have been a perfect romantic moment, sitting together in the encompassing darkness beneath a simulated sky. Buck was so close, Eddie wanted to reach out and touch his face with his fingertips, and…
He resisted. Buck didn’t want that, after all. He wanted things to stay as they were.
But Buck’s mouth was pouting, his cheeks flushed, and he was definitely, definitely leaning closer, a wondering expression on his face. His eyes grew dark as they gazed at each other, and he stayed there, leaning towards Eddie through the darkness.
Without thinking, Eddie’s hand settled on Buck’s arm, pressing into the warmth of his firm muscles, and he hesitated before tipping slightly nearer, a deep and desperate urge within him compelling the movement. The instant he shifted, Eddie expected Buck to pull back, but he didn’t. Instead, his chin tipped up and slightly to the left, his eyelids fluttering.
They were going to kiss.
It was dark and romantic and they were going to kiss.
Buck didn’t move.
Eddie ran his hand down the length of Buck’s arm—and then his brain flashed back into action, the memory of Buck’s rejection slamming into him with the force of a fist, knocking him back in his seat. That had hurt. He did not want to hurt like that again. Whatever was happening between them in the dark was an illusion, because Buck had turned him down and that was a fact Eddie would never forget.
Snapping his eyes back towards the ceiling, he pressed his mouth into a grim line, glad when Buck swallowed and turned away as well. The warmth between them felt hot with awkwardness, and Eddie didn’t know what to do with it. His heart squeezing with pain, he took a deep breath and tried to be normal.
Chapter 3
Notes:
Buck by disasterbuck, Eddie by Veronae.
Chapter Text
hey, just wanted to check in
are you okay?
hey
you were really quiet today
oh
sorry
you don't need to apologise
I just wanna make sure you're alright?
I will be
was it... because of me?
no
it was because of us
…
what do you mean?
it's just a little difficult
knowing we have feelings for each other but that you don't want more
I respect that
but then ... it felt like we had a moment, and ... it's just harder than I thought it would be
I’m sorry
you don't have to be sorry
............ did we have a moment?
or did I imagine that?
um
you didn’t imagine it
right
I shouldn’t have asked that
I didn't mean to linger that long
why did you?
idk
I wasn’t thinking
good thing I was then
otherwise I might have kissed you and that would've been disastrous
Eddie…
sorry
maybe we should... take a break
from hanging out
what?
are you serious?
I just think it might help?
you just said you're finding it harder than you thought
that doesn't mean I don't wanna be friends, buck!
I can control myself, I promise
I'm not saying we won't be friends!
friends who just ... never see each other?
not never
just… less
wow
is that really what you want?
no
.....................
I just want things to go back to the way they were
..... oh
I’m sorry
so am I
believe me, if I could take back asking you out, I would do it
*
hey
are you doing anything today?
wanna grab lunch?
I’d love that
are you sure?
absolutely
great, then
I've missed hanging out with you
me too
meet at our usual?
great
when?
in an hour?
sure thing
see you then
awesome
see you, Eddie
Chapter Text
“Eddie’s great,” Buck said as they slid into a booth with their drinks. Elias nodded politely; it wasn’t the first time Buck had started to talk Eddie up since coming up with the heart-punching idea to set them up. “You’re gonna really like him.”
“I’m sure I will,” Elias replied easily, his voice low and smooth. Buck had always found it calming, but right now it irritated him and he wasn’t completely sure why.
Fidgeting, Buck glanced towards the door as he raised his glass and took an uncoordinated gulp. “He should be here any minute.”
Elias eyed him, a little bemused. “Evan, relax. You’re more on edge about this than I am. It’s a blind date. Not a big deal.”
A muscle pulled tight across Buck’s brow. “People call me ‘Buck’ now,” he muttered, ignoring the rest.
Elias nodded calmly. “Sorry, Buck. Of course. I forgot again, didn’t I?”
“Yeah.”
Twitching in his seat, Buck wicked his tongue across his lips and determinedly tried not to think about what he was doing. Did it count as a blind date if one of the people on it didn’t know what was happening? He wasn’t sure. A double-blind date, maybe, Buck mused, although he was pretty certain he had the meaning of ‘double-blind’ completely wrong.
Eddie had no idea Buck was about to set him up.
He felt kinda bad about it, but he was also completely sure it was a great idea. Eddie wanted to date someone, and maybe he wanted that someone to be Buck and maybe he was muddling their friendship up for different feels, but it didn’t matter because Buck knew he couldn’t take that chance. Eddie was too precious to risk, and he was pretty dang sure that if they tried, Buck would somehow fuck it up and then Eddie would walk away from him for good. What they had was wonderful. It was enough. It would do.
But things had been strained, and despite the doubts circling Buck’s mind, he could tell that Eddie was hurting. He hid it well, but Buck knew him. He could see it. He knew.
Guilt prickled along the edges of Buck’s every nerve. He was causing that pain, and he didn’t want to. So he would offer Eddie some happiness. With someone else. With Elias. If it felt like he was carving his own heart out with a blunt knife, then that was a pain he would learn to endure. It would be worth it to see Eddie content.
Humming lightly, Elias pursed his lips around the straw he had plucked from the stack on the counter, and took a happy slurp of his drink, apparently oblivious to Buck’s inner turmoil.
The thing was, Buck wanted to be with Eddie. He wanted it so badly it made his chest burn, made all the air rush from his lungs. Knowing Eddie had feelings for him kept him awake at nights.
But it would pass, and when it did, Buck needed Eddie to still be his best friend. So he resisted what he wanted. He had to resist it.
The door swung open, heavy old hinges creaking around the distant mutter of other customers sat around them, and Buck looked up. His eyes found Eddie’s and his heart lurched inside his chest, caught and held back by the tightness between his rib-bones.
Grinning as his gaze caught Buck’s, Eddie took a step nearer—and then froze in his tracks. Something hard and almost panicky darted across his face, so fast Buck knew no one else would have seen it, before his expression collapsed into something deliberately and very falsely calm.
Eddie moved towards them.
<* - *>
Fury bubbled inside Eddie’s chest, splashing and spilling throughout his body with every jolting step that he made himself take. Buck was grinning, but his eyes were wary.
Beside him was a well-built man, dark and handsome and smiling.
This was a fucking date.
A fucking date with someone who wasn’t Buck.
Rage pounded against Eddie’s skull.
Not for the first time, he wished he could crack Buck’s head open and see just what the hell he was thinking.
Painting his face with a grim smile, Eddie walked across to them and bit out a hello, but his brain was screaming. He couldn’t believe Buck had done this, couldn’t believe Buck of all people would set him up on a blind date without giving him the slightest warning. Buck knew him. Buck had to know this was a terrible idea.
Sliding into the seat across from Buck and … Man … Eddie grinned like he wasn’t bothered and looked between the two of them. “Hi,” he said, because it was the only safe thing he could think to say.
“Hey,” Buck beamed back at him, but Eddie could see the pinch of uncertainty hovering about his eyes. “So, this is Elias, an old friend of mine. Elias, this is Eddie.”
“A pleasure to meet you Eddie,” Man … Elias … said, patting one of his hands to the back of Eddie’s white-knuckled fingers. “Ev-Buck’s told me a lot.”
“Has he just,” Eddie said, trying to keep the snarl from his voice. It wasn’t Elias’s fault. It was obvious immediately to Eddie that he was another unwitting participant in Buck’s mad plan.
“Mm,” Elias hummed, and his voice was deep and rich and soothing, rubbing away the tips of the barbs prickling Eddie’s skin. “I’ve been looking forward to meeting you.”
Eddie pressed his lips together, a twist of guilt pulling through his chest. “Thanks,” he murmured. He wasn’t about to lie and say the same when he had had no idea he was about to meet someone, so he stayed silent.
Elias smiled at him, apparently taking Eddie’s quiet for shyness.
“You need a drink,” Buck piped up, his voice a touch too loud, a tad too bright. “I’ll get it for you.” Peeling his long body upright, he strode towards the counter.
Watching him go, Eddie debated whether to follow and let Buck have a piece of his mind. Gritting his teeth, he decided against it. It was not the time, not the place, not with Elias sitting smiling across from him. Instead, Eddie leaned back in his seat and perched a brittle smile across his face and tried to make small talk with Elias, trying not to look as uncomfortable as he felt.
Rejoining them, Buck pressed a glass into Eddie’s hand, beaming … but Eddie couldn’t look directly at him. Emotions swarmed within him, anger and discomfort and sadness and hurt.
He was trying to accept that Buck didn’t want to be with him. But to see him so deliberately push against it left Eddie’s heart bruised afresh. He didn’t understand it, how Buck could admit to having feelings for him but be so adamantly against exploring what that could mean for their relationship. He wanted to respect Buck’s choice, but it was hard to feel anything but aggravation when he did something so inconsiderate.
If Elias could read Eddie’s mood, his distraction, he did not comment on it.
Gnashing his teeth together, Eddie leaned back in his seat, snatched his drink, and turned his attention to Elias, wondering how long it would be until he could confront Buck.
Chapter 5
Notes:
Eddie by Veronae, Buck by disasterbuck.
Chapter Text
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT BUCK
um, hi?
No, not “hi”
you know what you did
did it not go well after I left?
I thought you'd really hit it off
are you fucking with me?
..... no?
you know I'm in love with you and you try to set me up with some random?
WITHOUT TELLING ME?
…….
okay first off, Elias isn't a random he's an old friend like I said when I introduced you two
secondly, you're not in love with me
I’m speechless
I honestly thought you'd like him
I don't even know what to say to you right now
I’m sorry
I was just trying to help
help WHO?
I thought if you met someone else we could go back to how things were
................
I don't want to meet someone else, buck
I get that's not what you want to hear
but I absolutely do not want you to set me up with anyone else
okay
I get it
I’m sorry
I just don't know what else I'm supposed to do
I'm trying so hard not to fuck things up between us
and failing anyway, apparently
maybe you just can't fix this
don’t say that
I can’t lose you
you were never going to
yes I was
…………….
when?
if we dated I'd just end up fucking up and then we'd break up and everything would be so awkward we'd never talk to each other ever again
............ why do you think you'd fuck it up?
because I fuck everything up
everything that matters to me
that's why I never told you how I felt
buck, that's just not true
you bring so much good to everything that matters
right
and is that why you yelled at me two minutes ago?
because of all the 'good' I bring everywhere?
I’m sorry I yelled
… I'm sorry I set you up with Elias
thank you
god, I hate being set up
you deserve so much better than me
I disagree
you're the best to me
Eddie please don’t
............ sorry
I didn't think before I sent that
you don't really wanna date me
you just think you do cause we hang out so much
....... what
are you really trying to tell me what I feel??
guess I am
just goes to show we're not right for each other
cause I've upset you again
buuuuuuuuuck
what do you want me to say?
I don’t know
I love you more than I've ever loved anyone and the thought of losing you scares me shitless
you said maybe I can't fix this, but I have to
please tell me we can work together to fix this
you love me?
yes, Eddie, I love you
I love you too
…. are you sure?
of course I’m sure!
wtf buck
I’m sorry
I've just never had a friend like you before
I'm not going anywhere
we're always going to be friends
even if we fight now and then
you can't promise that
you don't know what might happen
I know that I care about you enough to work through anything that comes between us
I feel the same
I’m just…
scared
scared of losing me?
yes
I won’t let that happen
… okay
so, what now?
what do you want?
what do I want?
yes
I want you
you’ve got me
that’s all I need
so we're going to be friends again? go back to hanging out like usual?
… please
if you’re okay with it
yeah
I’d like that
the distance between us recently has been fucking horrible
I know
I’m sorry
I forgive you
thank you
you’re amazing
yeah, I am
😉
pft, humble too
you're amazing too, buck
…. thanks
so…
how can I make up for trying to set you up with my friend?
I'll be happy as long as you promise to never do it again
I promise
great
um
um?
what are you doing tonight?
I've got nothing planned
Chris is at a friend's
do you wanna come over?
I’ll cook
I’d love to
that sounds amazing
what are you gonna cook?
what do you feel like?
something full of carbs
spaghetti?
sure
spaghetti it is, then
I can’t wait
me neither
🙂
come over whenever you want
but I’ll make dinner for 7
sounds great
I’ll see you soon
see you soon 👍
*
hey, the other night was great. we should do it again sometime
yeah!
absolutely
okay, enough small talk
what's with the way you were looking at me in the gym today?
what?
I wasn't looking at you in the gym
😒
I saw you
……….
okay
um
I just thought it was strange
I guess that was a bit inappropriate
well, yeah, a little
since you're seeing someone
I didn't think you could see me
wait what?
I’m seeing someone?
I heard you tell that guy who asked for your number
you said you were "taken”
……… oh
so given what's been happening between us, I don't think you should be giving me those kinds of looks if you're seeing someone else
I'm not seeing someone else
............. but you said
I just said that to get him to back off
… oh
sorry
um
it’s okay
I probably look like a jealous idiot now
don’t worry about it
you don't have anyone to be jealous of, I promise
okay
fuck, I'm sorry anyway
it's none of my business, is it?
are we going back to not talking again?
no
sorry
idk what to say
yeah
would it bother you if I did start dating someone?
.....................
I mean
I want you to be happy, buck
okay
well, um…
that guy who asked for my number?
........ yeah?
he gave me his when I said no
right
well, that's very disrespectful of him
he said it was 'just in case’
in case of what?
in case my current... fake relationship didn't work out, I guess?
oh
right
not in case you want to cheat then
uhhh I hope not
cause I am never doing that again
well
none of that explains the looks you were giving me in the gym
can't a guy appreciate a beautiful person?
what
nevermind
buck.........
I shouldn't've been watching you
I’m sorry
I didn’t mind it
I was just confused by it
right
confused why?
because we agreed ... friends
right?
yes
but I told you, I didn't know you could see me
I thought I was…
whatever
was what?
buck?
I thought I was being subtle
if I knew you could see me I would've just left
but cause I thought no one was watching I figured I could indulge a little, okay?
don't worry I won't do it again
It didn't worry me
I liked it
until I thought you were dating someone, anyway
I thought, maybe …
nothing
maybe what?
it doesn’t matter
you can still talk to me, you know?
I wanna be there for you, whatever you need
I doubt you wanna hear this, buck
doesn't matter if I wanna hear it if you need to say it
I just .........
when I saw you watching me, I thought ... maybe
maybe you'd changed your mind about ... us
................. you're not saying anything
I got it wrong again, didn't I
I’m thinking
you do remember what I said about me fucking this up, right?
yes
I remember everything we've said about this
……
I was thinking about you
… when?
when that guy asked me for my number
oh
OH
I was thinking about you when I said I was taken
… wow
Eddie you are all I think about
it kills me that I hurt you when I turned you down
I just... I can't bear the thought of losing you
every time I try to let myself picture us together I just start thinking about what ifs and arguments and how I've gotten things wrong so many times in the past and what if I say something you can never forgive and then we break up and I have to leave the 118 and nothing is ever the same ever again?
buck, I ……
and if we break up and you don't wanna see me anymore what will Chris think? when I stop coming over? will he be mad at me too? I couldn't live with myself if he was mad with me
I'm just trying to do the right thing
and yeah, okay, I was staring at you in the gym
because you're gorgeous and I'm in love with you and I didn't think anyone was watching me so I just let myself imagine for a minute... what it might be like if I was allowed to go over there and touch you
and I'm sorry if that sends mixed signals
you are allowed to, buck
Eddie…
yeah?
I don’t know what to do
neither do I
I want to tell you that this thing between us will only be wonderful, but the truth is? If we try it, we'll have bad times. We'll fight. Have disagreements. Fuck things up sometimes.
But we care about each other. And I know you'll always have my back. We can work things out together, because that's what it means to be in a relationship
It's not about getting it right all the time. It's about working to make it better.
…. okay
if you’re still interested…
then
I wanna try
........ you do?
so badly
omg
Buck, I’m still interested
wow
good
I meant it when I said I'm in love with you
I’m in love with you too
that’s insane
..... thank you?
loving you certainly makes me crazy sometimes
😉
I am so sorry about everything
I’m sorry I hurt you
it’s okay
I think I understand why
I love you so much it scares me
I've never felt like this before
That’s amazing
amazing??
it’s terrifying 😅
whenever you're scared, you can hold my hand
that is possibly the sweetest thing I've ever heard you say
and for the record, you can hold my hand whenever you're scared too
I will
IF you ever get scared
I get scared sometimes
but I'll deny it if you tell anyone I said so
I'll believe it when I see it
maybe you will see it
if we're gonna be together
Eddie, I want you to know
whatever happens with us I will always be there for Christopher if he needs me or wants me
that's great to know, Buck
I appreciate that
I think the world of that kid
me too
also
from now on
I'm gonna stop hiding how I feel and start focusing on just loving you for the rest of my life
or until you ask me to stop, if that ever happens
I mean, not that I'll stop loving you
even if you ask
but I’ll leave you alone
I'm not gonna ask you to stop loving me
I want you to be with me for the rest of my life
I want that too
then let’s make it happen
where are you right now?
at home
can I come over?
yes
please
I’m on my way
okay
when you get here
can I kiss you?
yes
absolutely yes
fantastic
I’m going to
and Eddie?
yeah?
I love you 💛
I love you too!
🥰
see you really soon, gorgeous 😊
I can’t fucking wait
😉
Chapter Text
Eddie put the phone down and looked around his house. He needed something to do while he waited, but there was nothing jumping out at him. For the first time ever, he cursed himself for keeping the house tidy and wandered into the kitchen to see if there were any dishes still waiting. But the sink and dishwasher were both empty, the benches freshly wiped down and the fridge had been cleaned out the day before when he had done the grocery shopping.
Huffing an agitated breath, he leaned against the counter and thought.
There was laundry in the machine, but it wouldn’t be ready to hang for another hour. The floors had been done two days earlier, when he was avoiding sleeping after a busy shift.
He didn’t need to clean. Buck had seen his house in all states. He didn’t need to clean because everything was already clean. But his hands itched for something to do.
He couldn’t quite believe that Buck was really on his way over. That they were going to be together. That they were going to kiss.
Heart pattering a rapid dance within his chest, a grin tugged the edges of Eddie’s mouth. Buck wanted him.
Buck actually, really, truly wanted him.
Eddie wasn’t blind to the concerns and fears holding Buck back. But for the first time since he had asked Buck out, Eddie felt like they were on the same page. That they understood each other. That they had the information, the tools, to work on it together.
He got lost for a moment inside his musings, and jolted violently when a resounding knock rapped against his front door.
Jerking into movement, Eddie rushed to the entryway to answer it.
Soft-eyed and smiling, Buck was there.
Without thinking, Eddie moved. His hands found Buck’s skin, one circling his back as the other slid along the warm, smooth skin of his neck and up into his hair. He pulled Buck to him, put his face to Buck’s cheek, and held him.
Letting out a long, slow breath, Buck relaxed against Eddie’s chest and hooped both arms around him. For a long moment, they stood in the doorway, holding each other, and then Buck whispered, “This feels right.”
‘I know’, Eddie wanted to say, and, ‘you’re right’. But his voice would not obey him, and he merely grunted slightly and burrowed his face against Buck’s throat.
Buck snuggled against him and spoke again, his voice a hesitant murmur. “I love you, Eddie. I’m sorry. About all of it.”
Twirling his fingers through Buck’s hair, Eddie sighed softly. “You don’t have to be sorry, Buck.”
Arms tightening around Eddie, Buck shuffled a little closer, their legs pressing together. They swayed on the spot, struggling to balance in their nearness, and then Buck’s lips found Eddie’s skin, the soft and delicate skin beneath his ear, and pressed there, softly. “I thought you were going to kiss me,” he breathed. “When’s that happening?”
Shifting, Eddie slid his cheek against Buck’s neck, closed his teeth gently on Buck’s earlobe and sighed, “Whenever you want.”
“I want it now,” Buck grinned, leaning back just far enough to stare for a moment into Eddie’s eyes before they moved, together, and kissed.