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Chapter Text

The sun sat high in the sky, roasting the market below. Buyers and sellers were making their deals, there was a general bustle of business in the air. In the shade, Judas leaned on a wall and watched. Looking for any customer with their purse open a little too wide or perhaps a foreigner who's a little too naïve. 
But, soon the buzz of the people turned into a bit of a stir. A crowd started to form in the square, people pushing together like a pile of bees. They were surrounding something, someone. 
Judas peeled himself from the shadows when he heard the man speak. It was a nice voice, he noted. confident, calm, cut right through the air, there was a nice harmony to it. 
A preacher. 
Judas shoveled around with his shoulder through the crowd until he could see what was going on. Normally, this many people don't gather for just some preacher, the man had to be doing something. And he was. 
Judas nearly jumped out of his clothes when the crowd roared with applause, he looked forward to see a man holding a woman up in his arms. Tears were flowing down her cheeks as he comforted her, telling her some God loved her.
Judas licked his teeth and stole up a glass as he strode up to the man.
"Nice actor." He was met with some disparagement from the crowd and some of the man's loyal followers, but they soon hushed.
"You are?" Judas gestured vaguely to him.
"He is the Son of God. King of Kings. And we hired no actors." One of the followers snapped at him.  Their leader gave them a disappointed glare.
"I am Jesus. And you?"
"King of Kings? Oh, how does it go? To be born a king, you must be born a fool. So you are the biggest fool? Yes?" Judas swirled the glass like some bastard prince.
"Perhaps." Jesus conceited.
"And what are you? Some preacher? Miracle worker, so I hear? What are you doing here?"
"I am simply helping." He answered.
"Helping? By doing what?"
"He's curing the ill! I saw him!" People shouted from the anonymity of the crowd. "He's giving us miracles!"
"You really expect me to believe that?" Judas said languidly. "He's a trickster. He can't actually cure people. That's too easy." He finally decides to turn directly to Jesus. "If you're really a miracle worker, why don't you show me a miracle?" The words fall off his tongue as a sickly taunt.
Jesus stared at him for a moment. The crowd leaned in. 
The Son of God sucked in a breath and tapped the glass of water Judas had been pointing at him. In a blink, it was a deep red.
There was only the sound of the wind scratching the sand. 
"It's wine." Jesus broke the spell. Judas peered down into the glass, in disbelief. Did he have some dye on his finger? Have a little dip while he wasn't looking? Judas kept his stern face, scoffed, and brought the 'wine' up to his lips. 
"It's wine." He announced, albeit very confused.
The crowd erupted. Cheers and celebration surrounded Judas but questions plagued his mind. How? How was it wine? He stole the glass, poured someone else's water. There was no point where Jesus could've... done anything for that matter. Not any trick Judas knew, anyway. 
He looked up at the King of Kings, who smiled awkwardly at him. There was no smug shit-eating grin, which couldn't be said for his followers behind him. In fact, Jesus looked a bit shy from all the attention. Judas couldn't quite tell if he was new at this or an old professional. Either way, there was wine in his hand so he had a few more sips to quell his mind.

The sun set, shadows grew, and Judas strode up to the man named Jesus just as everyone else was out of earshot. 
"Alright, how'd you do it?" he asked.
"I'm sorry?"
"How much did you pay that girl?" Judas found himself caught off guard when their eyes met. The self-proclaimed son of God was quite striking. He had a healthy, innocent-looking face, complete with a soft smile as well. 
"I didn't pay her." He spoke softly.
"Then how did you do it?"
"Do what? Heal her leprosy?"
"I guess. I came a bit late, missed the show." Judas shrugged. Jesus' eyes never seemed to wander from his. 
"I asked God to heal her and willed it." He said. He said with such a calm, confident, conviction.

"...ah, I understand it can be a bit hard to comprehend at first." Jesus gently smiled, reassuringly. Judas quickly snapped his mouth shut, he hadn't realized it was even open.
"Ah, yes. I'm sure I'll learn along the way." Judas attempted to make an exit but Jesus interrupted him with a question. 
"Where are you from?"
"Kerioth." Judas said quickly.
"Hm." The preacher hummed thoughtfully, Judas could almost hear a little pencil scratching away in his head.
"Jesus, from Nazareth." He kindly extended a hand.
"Judas." Judas shook it with a stiff smile.
"It's good to meet you, Judas. I think we'll make good friends."
"Sure."

Juda soon went away and found somewhere else to be. Jesus had been boring into him, just staring at him in a sort of child-like wonder and fascination the entire time. 

He's a locked box, either that or a nutcase.
But. Somehow, someway, Judas found himself following him.

***

Judas was jerked awake. He laid looking up on his bedroll for a moment to gather himself from a heavy heartbeat and cold sweat. Soon, he sat up on his elbows and surveyed his surroundings. The light of the sun was just starting to trickle into the sky, the rest of the apostles were asleep. Judas grumbled to himself knowing he was stuck being awake. He exhaled slowly before getting up and taking a walk to get his mind off things. 
He wandered the forest nearby, which he found to be one of the more infuriating experiences to suffer through. After about 15 minutes pebbles seemed to have gained a mind of their own, with a destiny tied to getting stuck in Judas' sandals. Bugs also smelled the sweat and despair radiating off Judas and picked the perfect time to buzz around his face. Eventually while swatting away some flies Judas absentmindedly stepped into a thick puddle of mud that could've slapped a good house together. However, it was simply cementing him to the spot as he stared down in a distilled rage.
As he tried to pluck a foot out, he saw something swirling in the silt. 
Was the dirt starting to settle?
Judas blinked as clear water filled the puddle. He stepped out with not a grain of dirt on his feet.

"Judas!"
Judas whipped around and saw Jesus making his way along the path.
"What are you doing here?"
"I came looking for you. The others woke up and you were gone."
"Ah." He looked at Jesus, then at the puddle, then back at Jesus. The sun was past the horizon line and the bushes and trees started to bloom with life as they warmed up. "Well I was on my way back anyway, you don't need to come looking for me."
"Sure I do, wouldn't want to leave you behind." he smiled again.
*** 

Judas found Jesus praying alone in the night, watching from afar for him to be done. Jesus turned around, their eyes met, and Jesus got up and walked over to him.
"You wanted to talk to me?"
"Yes. How much did you pay them?"
"Nothing? Judas, you've been with me this entire time. At what point could I have paid them?"
"I don't know! That's why I'm asking you!"
"I haven't paid anyone!" The bastard laughed like it was some sort of fun joke. 
"Then how are you doing all this, the miracles? There has to be a catch. There's always a catch." Judas stayed as straight as an arrow.
"What?" He spoke with disbelief.
"Is it really religion? Throwing everything away to follow some god? Pride? Attention? What is it?"
"No! No, no one has to do anything for me. I'm just spreading the word and kindness of God."
"Bullshit! No one helps people simply out of the good of their heart." There was a quick pang in Judas' chest.
It's not that Judas has never cursed in front of someone, but cursing in front of Jesus felt like cursing in front of a child. It was in poor taste.
"...Er, I didn't mean... Look, what's the point of all this anyway? You can't possibly help everyone. Something else will probably happen to them and you can't be everywhere, all the time, to help them."
"But I help in at least some way, don't I?"
"Well yes..."
"Then that's enough for me. For, that's all I can do."
"You know the people you help are just going to die at the end of their lives, right? What ever you do now, won't matter in a hundred years."
"Well I think it mattered to those people today. The leper, the woman. Don't you?"
"... Yes..." Judas furrowed his brow in deep, less cynical, thought. He stole a deep breath before blowing it out. 
"Forget it." Judas wrestled with the beard on his face. "Perhaps, I need to rethink some things. Thank you." He said the last part as quietly as possible but swore Jesus heard it. It felt like a part of him had been peeled back and thumbed over with a careful eye. Oh, and he still looked at him with that stupid innocent face of his. Judas bit his tongue.
***

All his preaching was driving Judas insane. Not only that, but the reality Judas had been living in for the past few months. Living alongside Jesus was has been the weirdest and most uncomfortable thing Judas has experienced thus far. The man has never lied, never complained, about anything. There were no cracks in him whatsoever. Not only that, but Judas has noticed that no one has been robbed thus far. Barely even mugged. Hell, Jesus talked to the damn mugger and now he's walking with us. There was no one waiting behind some alley or someone preying on them while they slept. Nothing bad happened. All of which, got under Judas' skin. It was like one shoe never dropped. Therefore, Judas was peering around every corner, staring into the forests, surveying the dunes, looking for anything that would drag him by the ankles and demand him to produce coins. But there was nothing. There was wasn't anything. 
At first Judas was following Jesus for the scheme, for some sort of break in character, now he had no clue. Sunk cost fallacy? He didn't know.
What he did know, is that he needed a break. So he sauntered off, up into the plains while everyone was distracted by Jesus' preaching. At first Judas was having a leisurely stroll along the rolling hills, then a brisk jog, then a full on sprint. He was looking for something, and he found it. Once the ground disappeared under his feet, anyway.
Everything was black and covered in a thick layer of sludge,  bruised and aching. His hands sunk into the earth as he plucked himself out. Judas had to swipe glops of mud from his eyes to be able to see again.
A dead river is what he landed in. A deep groove in the earth, surrounded by dead spider-like trees. flies started to stick to him. 
A few months ago, Judas would've said a few choice words in this moment, instead he found himself pleasantly surprised. 
Judas drew himself up to his knees and caught his breath, moreover clawed off any large chunks off himself. 
It was actually quite  hard to get out of the bank, Judas fell a few more times when the mud caught his foot, but eventually, he made it out. 
The residual mud had hardened to his skin and clothes, but the delicate sound of a stream drew Judas over. The greenery bloomed the nearer Judas got, mourning doves cooed above him. It wasn't something he could bathe in, but it was definitely something he could wash his robes in. He first started to wash his face and rubbing the dried bits off his arms.
"Are you alright down there?" a voice called from uphill.
"Yes, kindly fuck off." Judas replied. It seems I'll have to move further.

"Judas?"
He froze. 
"Judas, what happened?" There he was, wide-eyed as anything.
"Jesus, what are you doing here?" Judas was floored.
"I came to bless the stream since their river went dry. What happened to you?" Jesus repeated.
"I decided to go for a swim in the river."
"Are you hurt?" He reached for him. Judas wretched away.
"I'm fine."

Jesus looked helpless. Judas looked him over and sighed.
"It's just mud, I just need a good wash." Jesus perked back up.
"Oh, let me help you-"
"I can wash myself." Judas paused. "Go join the other apostles, I'm sure they're all waiting for you down there." He went back to splashing himself in the stream.
"Well, I don't want to just leave you here."
Judas raised a brow. "Er... then you'll probably have to close your eyes."
"Alright." Jesus chirped, shutting his eyes, holding his hands daintily in front of him.
It later occurred to Judas that Jesus probably did not know what this entailed. He walked further up and washed off. When he came back, Jesus was exactly how he had left him. It was quite the concerning thought that Judas could simply leave and Jesus would just... stay there.
"You can open your eyes."
Judas threw on his robe, Jesus blinked.  
"You're still damp." He said.
"I'll dry."
Judas brushed some of the slick hair away from his face. He never looked. Jesus looked Judas in the face but he never let his eyes wander. Perhaps, because Judas is a man. As far as Jesus knew anyway, but not even a look? a glance? There wasn't even so much as a strain in his eyes. Has he ever had a dirty thought? Maybe he's more into women. Judas shrugged it off.

***

There was a large crowd today, but it was more for the market than for some religious zealot. There were two kids running around in front of him, chasing each other. Many people were bustling about. Judas was leaning on some fruit stand and could feel the glare of the owner on his back. But there was always someone buying so the owner couldn't exactly shoo him away.

Eventually the kids knocked over a basket of oranges. They stood like statues.
"You little sh-"
"Oh no, that was me." Judas spoke. The owner stared at him. "I must've knocked it over while shuffling my feet." He went over and started to pick up some oranges, propping the basket up. 
"You're going to pay for all of that."
"I don't have money." 
The owner's face scrunched and folded in on itself. "I'll have you arrested."
"For what?" Judas placed the final orange on top and stood back up. It seemed to upset the man more. 
"For destroying my property! You petty little-"
"Jew?" Judas offered. There was steam fuming out the man's ears. The owner came and took him up by the collar. 
People were starting to look at them.
He screamed and spat at Judas, who wore quite the bored face. After receiving no reaction, he reeled back an arm.

"What's going on here?"
They both turned to look at Jesus. "This man stole my produce!"
"I don't even like oranges." Judas held his hands up in mock surrender. The store owner finally let go of Judas. He stormed up to Jesus to probably complain about him. As soon as it looked like Jesus was entrapped in a conversation, Judas let himself be swallowed by the crowd.

-

Jesus gave Judas a Look. Like he knew something. They were walking back through the town to their encampment. Jesus came up beside him.
"Why'd you do that?" He had that gentle look in his eyes.
"Do what?"
"You took the blame for those kids."
"No I didn't."
"I saw them knock it over." He said in a more stern tone.
Judas looked away and licked his teeth.
"Well, maybe I did then."
"But why?" 
Judas grumbled for a moment, looking towards the horizon. "They don't need to get yelled at, it was an accident." 
They were both silent for a moment. 

"That was very nice of you."
Judas recoiled. "I did nothing." He hissed under his breath. Jesus chuckled lightly. 

-

The sun was starting to set, the sky was a swirl of purple and orange. Jesus found himself sat next to Judas, they were a way away from everyone else. Where Judas liked to set down his bedroll.
"Judas, would you like to be one of my disciples?"
Judas' turned to face him, jaw hung slack. 
"Uhm. you don't have to if you don't want to." Jesus unexpectedly blurted out.
"No no, it's fine. I'd love to be one." Judas was bewildered, but appreciative. He had a curiosity in his eye when looking at Jesus.

***

Today Jesus was washing the disciple's feet. They had been walking for awhile with no towns nearby to rest in, nor any paved paths. They all happened across a small pond, God willing of course, and Jesus offered. 
"Judas?" 
"Oh, no."

There was a slow turning of heads, many sharp eyes pinned themselves on Judas. 
"Oh come on Judas, we've all been walking for hours. Just have your feet washed. You'll feel better."
"No?"
"We're all brothers here, just let him help you."
"No."
"Why are you being so difficult?"
Judas furrowed his brow.
"It's okay." Jesus intervened. "It's fine. He doesn't have to if he doesn't want to." He was met, uncomfortably, with some praise of patience from the followers around him. By the time he looked back at Judas he was gone. 

Jesus found him later cooling off underneath the speckled shade of a tree. 
"Sorry, it's just not my thing." Judas said to the man behind him.

"I think you hate me, but then again, I also think you hate everyone." Jesus sat a pace away from him.
"Got me there." 
"Then why are you here? Why do you stay?"
Judas twitched his beard around. "Oh, I don't know. Something with you."
"I thought you hated me?"
"Eh..." Judas tilted his hand. "I don't *hate* you, but you just go against everything I believe in. Interesting to watch, I guess."
Judas looked over at Jesus, Jesus looked back.
"You can sit closer you know," Jesus hesitantly scooted closer. "I don't want to yell at you to talk." He flashed Jesus a quick grin. 
"Why'd you decide to make me your disciple?"

"Oh, " Jesus thought to himself for a moment. "Same reason I suppose. You seem to be quite happy, despite."
Judas hummed to himself with pride.
"Why though?" Jesus asked.
Judas parted his lips to speak.

"Jesus!"
Judas looked behind him. Jesus slowly turned his head in the direction of Peter. 
"Yes, Peter?"
"Uh, some of the followers have grown hungry."
Jesus gave a hefty sigh and stood up. "Of course. Let us go find something." 

***

There was something different in this city. It was bigger, more people, and with that more pompous people. They were simply preaching at first then a leper had come to listen. Then Jesus cured them in front of everyone after his sermon. There was the normal shock and awe but as Judas observed, he found about a hundred hungry eyes in the passerby. The little gathering they first had morphed into a crowd and everyone had some problem to usher onto Jesus. These vultures pecked and ripped at him, but he was taking it in stride.

One after another cured of some ailment, given some food, money, a little pat on the head, oh kiss my feet why don't you? Of course, some people needed it. However, they were getting shoved out of the way by people who believed they needed it more. 
A shame, really.
People started to tug at the poor disciples and dragging them into this mess while they were trying to stifle it. 

"I come all this way and now you can't heal me?"
"We're afraid he cannot take anymore more today." John explained. The others were holding him up by the arms.
"No, I can manage another." Jesus mumbled weakly.
"No. Get him out of here." Judas' spoke to the other apostles. Waving them away. "That's all folks. Godhood is tiring, I hope you all can find some patience in your heart with God."
Isn't that something they'd say? Judas thought to himself.
"I've waited for ten minutes!"
Steam nearly poured from Judas' mouth.
"Oh, I'm so terribly sorry. Why don't you join us then? Become a follower of God, travel with us. After all, He will provide for all your food and shelter. You don't even need most worldly possessions."
Silence. A few people shrank back.
"No? Not even one? You all just wanted your miracle then scuttle back to your old life? Shame."
Judas raked his eyes along all of them before languidly hauling himself back to Jesus.

-

Cicadas sang outside. Jesus had been asleep for a few hours. He had gotten out for some water, a few worried followers tried to help him but he waved them off. Judas thought to try his two cents.

"You look tired."
"Oh, I'm alright."
Judas gave him a sour look, then licked his teeth.
"Didn't you say it was against your rules to lie?"
Jesus pursed his lips. "It is. But, I'm not lying. I'm fine, truly."
Judas narrowed his eyes but, softened. 
"I fear you may be overdoing yourself. I don't think you should help that many people in one day."
"But I must."
"You're stretching yourself too thin for people who wouldn't piss on you even if you were on fire. I would know."
Jesus gave him a blank look.
"Er. I'm sure they'll be just fine without a miracle."
Judas noticed how he deflated. He always seemed like a kicked dog when he couldn't help people.
"I don't know." Jesus held himself. "I'm supposed to help people. Make lives better. And now I don't know."
Judas carefully placed a hand, a feather light touch, on Jesus' shoulder as reassurance. He wasn't quite good at these things, but to hell he'd try.
"You are. I. I just mean you can't help everyone. Got that . Er. Human bit of you. Everyone's gotta sleep."

***

Judas again, branched off from the other disciples looking around the town. 
"Hey! Whore!" Judas strode up to a well endowed woman.
"You see that guy?" He pointed to Jesus. "A good friend of mine. Recent graduate of My-Father-Once-Said. Now, he's been traveling for a few weeks and hasn't seen a woman, the poor soul. I was wondering if you could lend him your business?" The woman stared at him. "He also has quite the rich father." Her interest was piqued. "AndDontTellHimISentYou." He hissed after her.
Peter shot him a skeptical look when Judas slipped back into the group. Everyone was simply making conversation with the locals until the maiden danced up to Jesus. 
"Hello."
"Hello? How are you?" And Judas stopped listening after that. He watched the other disciple's eyes. They all mostly watched Jesus  but would make the occasional glance at her, and her assets. Even a few bystanders had a peek walking by. 
The bastard never looked. Not even once. He is a man, right? Jesus simply just looked into her eyes. He never got uncomfortable as she relayed her problems to him. 
Judas stared in disbelief. There was not a single bad thought resided behind those eyes. He really did just care about everyone around him. Everyone was important, everyone had a place in his mind. When you told him who you were and where you were from, he'd remember. He remembered everyone.
Shaking hands ripped Judas from his thoughts. The woman had burst into tears and now had Judas by the wrists as she crumpled to the ground. "Thank you so much sir. Thank you, for introducing me to him." She sobbed at the bottom of him.
You stupid bitch, you had one job.
"Get up. Get ahold of yourself." Were the words Judas actually said, as he lifted her by her arms. "You're all good now, there's no need to cry." Jesus was shooting him a look, Judas saw it out of the corner of his eye. There was a delicate smile on his lips, and a very obvious question on his tongue. 
"Yes, thank you. Thank you." She wiped her tears and she would've hugged Judas if Jesus hadn't stepped between them.
"I'm glad we've helped."

"What did you do?" Jesus spoke softly, so the others wouldn't hear.
"I put you on a test. Congrats. You're not a man." Judas jeered and walked ahead.

In the night there were feather-light footsteps making their way around camp. It got on Judas' nerves. Who the hell was sneaking around at this hour? He sat up the second it got near him.
"Who-" 
Jesus was crouched down, eyes illuminated by the sparse moonlight. 
"Jesus?!" Judas asked in a hushed whisper. "What are you doing-"

"Did you really mean that? I'm not a man? Would you know how I could get better at something like that? I don't understand." His voice wavered.
Judas rubbed his eyes and tried to focus on Jesus' words.
"What?"
"You said I wasn't a man. I know I do miracles but I just want to be closer to my brothers. I don't quite understand being a human all that much and what it means but I want to. I so desperately-"
"Oh, no no no. I didn't mean it like that. " Judas put a hand on Jesus' shoulder to calm him down.
"I meant you weren't a man, er like a pig. You don't have that desire." Judas' head was starting to wake some more. "And there's no right way to be human, you just do... whatever. Anyone who tells you different is a knob."
"Ah, " Jesus relaxed his shoulders. "Wait, I don't have what desire?"
"Er... Like..." He fought with his mind to find the proper words. However, Judas wasn't an educated man so he gave up with a sigh. "Like sex. You don't look at anyone sexually or disrespectfully."
Jesus blinked.
"Not that you really need to." Judas relaxed, setting his head down.
"I- So, that's what makes a man?"
"It's what makes most men. Led around by the seed of their pants, as some like to say. But not you." Judas grinned, albeit lazily. "To my knowledge anyway. You're just... genuine. Which is nice. Hard to find nowadays."
Judas could've sworn Jesus seemed to glow warmly, but he chalked it up do being half-asleep.
"Thanks." Jesus laid down beside him. "I think you're pretty genuine too."
"Really? I lie quite a lot, I think you've got the wrong guy." He giggled quietly.
"No, I think you're genuine at heart. Despite everything." Jesus snuggled himself into his arms, watching Judas.
"Ugh, you're so sappy. I have a reputation to keep up, you know?" Judas turned to the stars, hiding his face.
"It's quite hard to keep up my thieving habits with you around."
"Good." Jesus mumbled. "How did you come about that anyway?"
"Oh, it was just a last resort really. I, Er. I ran from home early on and met someone who I probably shouldn't of. And he taught me a few things before his old habits ate him up. So I did that for a few years, got pretty good at it. At one point I could've been comfortable, but the money stopped meaning anything to me. So I left, picked up some job as an olive press for some family. Oh, now that was something money can't buy. They let me try some experimental olive oils. Throwing in some rosemary and other herbs, flowers. You could just dip some bread and it was like heaven. Delicious. I'll have to purchase some if we pass by."
Judas looked over to Jesus. He looked like a painting, sleeping peacefully next to him. His breath just barely brushing past Judas' shoulder. 
"Er. Goodnight, Jesus." He whispered before silently turning on his side to sleep.

***

"Would you believe I was once studying to be a Rabbi? Could've gotten all the bells and whistles. Of course, I was a slick bastard getting there but I learned a lot. Bit off more than I could chew and got chased out. The crowd that once celebrated me wanted to rip me all to hell once er, they all found out. Taking things that weren't mine and all that." Judas said quietly. "But when it was good. It was *good*. I had that town wrapped around my finger. Oh, you should've seen it. I bells rang in the morning, choir sang. The streets were lined with gold. It was beautiful." He daydreamed for a moment, feeling some phantom sun on his face all those years ago.  Jesus watched him idly.
"I say that to you, because I could tell when they were going to chase me out. And I fear that people getting to be that way around us now." Judas read the concern that bloomed on Jesus' face. 
"Er. I'm sure it'll take awhile to actually happen. I mean, I'm still kickin'." Judas had a light hearted chuckle , but it never seemed to quell Jesus.

Chapter Text

lol, haha. Can you tell I have brain rot?