Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The air was acrid, reeking of smoke and dust and chemicals Danny didn’t even want to begin thinking about. The oxygen was thinning and as sweat dripped down his back, Danny wasn’t sure that the sensation of walls closing in was all in his head anymore.

“She’s pretty.”

“Oh.” He pressed his hand protectively over the wound in his abdomen. “What?”

“Amber. Can tell she really cares about you too.” Steve replied, looking over.

He could tell what Steve was trying to do but would have preferred literally any other topic of conversation. Danny grit his teeth as another bolt of pain lanced through his body.

“Yeah I’ll probably screw it up like I do everything else, right? Not in my DNA to be happy.”

Steve looked at him sharply.

“I didn’t mean that. That’s not what I meant.”

“No, I’m officially agreeing with you. There is something wrong with the way that I am built.” He waved his hand vaguely. “I-I can't, uh... I can't just enjoy happiness like regular people, you know?”

“Don’t you think you’re being a little hard on yourself?”

Danny huffed out a bitter laugh.

“No, I don't. When I was a kid, my parents would go out to eat dinner. If they were late coming home, I used to imagine that they died in a car wreck, just 'cause they were fifteen minutes late. And I used to talk to God and beg him. I said, ‘Please just take my dad, not my mom.’ 'Cause I couldn't live without my mom. I mean, every time something good happens in my life, I-I just... I think of when it's gonna end. That's all I can think about.” He let out another groan of pain and sat down.

Steve stopped what he was doing and turned to face Danny fully, the dust and blood caking his face creasing as he furrowed his brow.

“You for real?”

Danny had to bite back another bitter laugh. Of course he was for real – who the fuck would make something that depressing up?

“Yeah.”

“That’s not normal.” Steve replied, and Danny wanted to throttle him.

“I know its not normal. Listen to this:” he took as deep of a breath as he could without doubling over in pain and let it out slowly. “On my wedding day, I’m looking at Rachel and about to say ‘I do’, and all I can see is the day she’s going to serve me with divorce papers. No joke. And I… I don’t know man. The only sustained happiness I ever felt in my life so far is Grace, and, you know, it's just a matter of time before she turns 18, and then she's out the door and she... marries some schmuck.” He paused. “I don't know.”

Steve was silent for a moment before responding.

“You’ve got to change, man. You can’t live like that.” His voice was quiet, serious.

“Well, I'd like very much to change. It's just not so simple, you know?”

“Take Amber, alright? Start small; instead of pushing her away, like you always do - fixate on how she's gonna break your heart, she's gonna destroy your life – bring her in. Bring her closer.”

Danny sighed.

“Alright. I’ll give it a shot.”

“What?” Steve’s tone was surprised, and Danny wasn’t sure how to interpret that.

“I said I'll give it a shot. I make it out of here alive, I'll give it a shot.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.”

Danny once again was resisting the urge to throttle his partner. Why give a guy a pep talk and then immediately act surprised when he listened?

His head ached.

“Good, that’s good.” Steve finally managed.

“Thank you.”

Before they could say anything further, the rubble shifted and the entire conversation was pushed from their minds as they tried to figure out a way to free themselves without ending up as pancakes under several tons of steel and concrete.

A few minutes later Steve was about to execute another reckless plan – risking both of their lives, of course – and Danny was shuffling back out of the way.

“Hold on. Before we do this, I just want you to know one thing.” The words were out of his mouth before he was even aware he thought them.

Steve looked over.

“What?”

“Whatever happens, I really, really - from the bottom of my heart - hate you so much.”

They both let out half-crazed laughs and Danny gripped at his side. He tried not to notice how soft Steve’s eyes looked juxtaposed with all the blood and grime coating his face.

“I love you too, pal.”

“I guess there's a lot worse people to die under a big pile of concrete with, huh?”

“You want to do the honors?” Steve held out the lighter.

“No, no. It's your stupid idea-- you do it.”

Danny took cover, once again sending a prayer – a plea – to whatever god may have been listening, though it wasn’t for his parents this time, or even himself.

Please get Steve out of here in one piece. Even if I don’t make it, get him out. Grace needs him.

-

The explosion felt deafening, and he was pretty sure his teeth rattled inside his mouth, but before he knew it Danny was being hauled up and out of the godforsaken death pit they had been trapped in.

“Steve. You got to get Steve. He's still down there.” He choked out as they freed him from the rescue line.

The team turned their attention back to the hole and Danny shambled forwards into the sea of trucks and firefighters and rescue equipment.

“Danno!”

A familiar voice reached his ears and he nearly wept from relief as he turned to see Grace charging at him, Amber not far behind.

“I’m okay, monkey.” He ignored the sharp pulling in his abdomen as he wrapped his arms around Amber and Grace. “I’m alright. I’m okay.”

They pulled apart and Danny noticed Steve nearing them. He held out an arm. Steve walked up and pulled Grace into a hug, kissing the top of her head, and Danny swallowed down the lump in his throat.

“Hey, I want you to meet somebody. This is Steve McGarrett. Amber.”

They shook hands, ignoring the myriad of substances coating his hands.

“Hi.”

“Nice to finally meet you.”

“You too.”

Danny rested a hand on Steve’s bicep and turned towards his girls.

“Guys, give me one sec with Steve alright?”

Amber herded Grace away and the two men faced each other, finally actually looking and taking in the full disaster they depicted.

“Well, if this is the, uh, power of positive thinking, I, uh... I like it. It's good.

Steve gave him a boyish grin.

“You know, it's the same as you, uh... you admitting that I was right, but I don't want to put words in your mouth right now.”

Danny ignored him.

“When we were in there, you said, uh... you know, before you did the thing with the bomb, you said what you said. I want you to know, I... I feel the same way.” The words felt tangled in his throat. There was so much he wanted to say, but he couldn’t seem to get his vocal chords and brain on the same page.

“How is that exactly?”

“You gonna make me say it?”

Steve wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him into a hug.

“C’mere.”

Danny went easily.

“I love you.” He finally said, over Steve’s shoulder.

“I love you too, buddy.”

Danny felt something worming around in his chest – twisty and tight, but before he could analyze it any further, they were pulling apart and his hand instinctively went back to his wound.

“I-I, uh, got to go get this properly stitched up... “

“Yeah, you should.”

“And I'm not coming in to work tomorrow. Or for the rest of the week.”

“Good.”

“All right? I'm taking Amber to Maui. Heal up over there, relax.”

“Nice beaches over there.”

“Nice beaches? I won't see a single one of them. Alright?

“Call me.”

Chapter Text

Danny did take Amber (and Grace) to Maui once he was released from the hospital, and he even saw plenty of the beaches – though he would never admit it. He couldn’t get his stitches wet, but he could sit under an umbrella on the beach, sip a beer, and think.

He did a lot of thinking those few days, as he watched Amber and Grace build sandcastles and play in the water.

Danny had come to a conclusion that week, and it was tearing him up inside. He knew he needed to talk to Amber, but what could he say? Mercifully, Amber beat him to the punch.

They had dropped Grace back at Rachel’s and were driving in companionable silence, nothing but the soft hum of the radio filling the air.

“Danny…”

He glanced over at her, still struck by how beautiful she was in the soft glow of the streetlights. Guilt quickly consumed him once more.

“I… I realized something this week.  And I think you did too.” Her voice was quiet and serious, though gentle.

Danny tightened his grip on the steering wheel.

“I realized that as much as you care about me, I think… I think there’s someone you care about more.”

His knuckles turned white with exertion and his jaw clicked as he grit his teeth, still saying nothing. A hand rested gently on his forearm.

“I think you realized this too, and I want you to know that I understand. I want you to be truly happy Danny, not just partially happy because you think you can’t have what you want.”

He finally pulled the car to a stop in front of Amber’s house. He pressed his forehead against the steering wheel.

“Amber, I-“

Her hand tightened on his arm.

“Danny, don’t. I love you and Grace, and I want you to be genuinely happy. I will always be your friend and here whenever you need me. Don’t sabotage yourself on my behalf.” She stated in the same quiet tone.

Amber opened the door and got out before opening the trunk and grabbing her suitcase. She stuck her head back in the open passenger window.

“Go get your man, Jersey.”

Then she was gone.

-

Danny sat in the dark car for several minutes before slamming his hand into the steering wheel over and over and over again.

“Fuck!”

Ten minutes later the Camaro was pulling into Steve’s driveway and Danny let out a sigh of relief as he noticed Catherine’s car was nowhere to be seen. Before he could talk himself out of it, he dragged himself up to the door and knocked.

Steve answered quickly, beer in hand.

He quirked a brow when he saw who was at the door, but Danny ignored it and pushed past him, heading straight for a beer in the fridge. He hopped up on the counter, popped the cap, and took a long swig.

Steve watched from where he was leaning against the opposite counter.

“You want to talk about it or just angrily drink my beer?”

Danny made no acknowledgement.

“Where’s Catherine?”

Steve blinked in surprise but answered. “Home. We… well, it was decided that maybe we’re better off as friends. Permanently.”

Danny pressed the cold bottle to his forehead.

“Where’s Amber?” Steve asked after a moment. His voice was tentative and concerned.

“You’ll never guess what also happened to me tonight.”

“Wait, what?”

“Oh yeah, Super Seal, we both got dumped.”

Steve let out a whoosh of air. Danny wanted to laugh or cry or drink himself unconscious – it was impossible to decide.

“Jesus Danno, I don’t know what to say.”

He let out a manic laugh.

“Oh, it gets better! Just wait until you hear what else I have to say.” He let his head drop back against the cupboard with a dull thunk and closed his eyes. “I got dumped, but the kicker is that she dumped me before I could dump her. And we dumped each other for the same reason, which we both realized on our relaxing romantic vacation.”

They were quiet for several minutes before Danny broke the silence.

“You know the whole speech you gave me when we were about to be crushed to death by a collapsed building?” He still refused to open his eyes, or even tilt his head forwards again.

If he was doing this, by God he’d at least let himself admit it to the ceiling.

“The whole ‘stop assuming the worst and let other people in’ speech? Well Steven, I’m listening to your advice, so if this goes sideways and blows up in my face we can only blame you.”

“What are you saying?” Steve’s tone was unreadable, and Danny was too much of a coward to look at him.

“I’m saying that being impaled and nearly pancaked with your dumb ass, and then your rousing speech about how my anxiety disorder isn’t normal – which yeah, news flash – made me realize that I have been pushing people away to protect myself. But the kicker of all this, the fucking pièce de résistance of it all, is that I’ve been pushing away you.” He hit his head against the cupboard again. “I realized that I’m in love with you, of all people. I’m in love with my savage, animal, neanderthal best friend and partner, and my girlfriend – ex girlfriend – broke up with me because she realized it first.”

Silence fell.

Danny cracked open an eye to peek at Steve, who was just standing in the same position unmoving. His eyes were wide and locked on Danny.

Danny hopped down to the floor, trying desperately to ignore how the tight, worming sensation in his chest was so strong that he wanted to hurl.

“So… there’s that I guess. I’m gonna go home and drink myself unconscious now. Text me in the morning to let me know if I need to find a new line of work.”

He moved to exit the kitchen but a hand shot out and grabbed his elbow as he passed Steve. Danny froze, but nothing happened. He turned to face Steve fully, still trying to decipher that same damn unreadable expression.

“Are you going to say something or just stare at me like a creep? Because I got a whole bottle of shitty whiskey calling my name.”

All of a sudden Steve just sagged, letting his head drop and shoulders curl inwards. He set his beer down.

“Danny…” His voice was a whisper.

Nobody moved.

“I s’pose now would be a good time to tell you the feeling is mutual, huh?”

Danny’s gaze hardened.

“I swear to God McGarrett, if you are fucking with me right now I will shoot you myself and throw you into the ocean.”

A small smile crept onto Steve’s face.

“I’m serious. I think I’ve known for a long time, but Cath finally beat some sense into me.”

He pressed their foreheads together.

“I love you.”

They had said it before numerous times; after close calls, in the middle of an argument, jokingly and seriously, but this time felt different. The pressure in Danny’s chest finally burst, a sensation of fireworks and sparklers – of butterflies and earthquakes. He felt like he had been shattered into a million shards of glass, and like he was bulletproof.

“I love you too.”

Steve smiled.