Archive of Our Own ^beta

We're evergreen, I'll always miss you too
So we fill each other in on our hopes and dreams
Different from when we
Whispered 'bout who that boy liked among us
Passing notes, hoping teachers never caught us
Breathe in the air so fresh, where we burned up a mess
Now we're back here again

- evergreen, karena chou

His teacher was droning on about the miosis (or had he moved on to mitosis?) and Todd had long since given up trying to pay attention. Instead, he’d shifted his focus on the doodles covering his notes and eventually moved on to doodling on his hand.

Already, on his palm, were the few reminders he’d remembered to jot down before he could forget, so there wasn’t that much room to draw anything else. He couldn’t draw on his arm since his white shirt might get stained with ink and the demerits that would no doubt follow were not worth it. 

Sighing to himself, he tried tuning back into the lecture. It was hard to, though. His teacher, an older man with glasses, neatly gelled hair, and a permanent frown droned on in the same boring, monotonous tone. It was like listening to a robot. And Todd eventually started trying to cover his notebook even more.

His table partner for the week shifted in his seat and moved a little closer to Todd. Todd fought the urge to jump back. His teacher required them to sit in different seats (Todd had 3 spots he alternated between and one extra in case his teacher glanced at him suspiciously) and thus have different partners every week. For the most part, they didn’t do anything other than sit next to each other or occasionally work on a worksheet together. Every now and then they had labs, but it was pretty rare. 

This suited Todd just fine. He hated having to talk to strangers and most of the students had picked up on that. Though Meeks still tried to make polite conversation – and he never seemed frustrated by Todd’s one-word answers. He was probably Todd’s favorite person in the class, and Todd occasionally found himself wishing that Meeks didn’t have any friends when someone whom Todd didn’t know that well eyed the seat next to him. It was probably just his anxious imagination, but it always felt like the seat next to him got taken quicker than the other seats. (And it was probably his anxious imagination that made him feel like he was being stared at.) Anyway, Cameron was okay too. He was a little stiff and a little harsh but ultimately only ever talked about the work.

The worst student in the class (for Todd) was someone who hadn’t sat next to Todd until today.

Neil Perry.

There wasn’t anything wrong with Neil as a whole. He was polite to adults. Friendly to all his peers. He smiled at Todd whenever their eyes met. He volunteered to show Todd to his classes on Todd’s first day here. He was really one of the nicest people ever.

Todd’s problem with Neil was caused mostly by Neil’s dreamy eyes and dreamier smile. And also, his stupidly soft-looking hair. And also, his unfairly nice face.

People in general made Todd nervous. He always found himself double-checking that his clothes weren’t dirty, or his hair was neat – making sure he looked like he was supposed to and didn’t give anyone reason to stare at him or judge him.  Neil made him nervous in a different way. He didn’t want to just blend into the background, he wanted Neil to notice him. But he didn’t want him to notice him for a bad reason. Like if Todd looked weird. It was very conflicting, and it was better to just avoid Neil.

One time, Todd had given in to his desire to catch his eye and had woken up early to fluff up his hair part it to the side in, and deck his fingers with rings (only two on each hand to avoid being dress-coded) and he’d forgone the vest of his uniform and had kept the first few buttons of his dress shirt unbuttoned (his tie was stuffed in his bag in case someone asked him where it was). A little eyeliner that wouldn’t be noticeable unless someone stared at him and a little gloss on his lips had been added after a lot of consideration. Then he’d sprayed on his favorite cologne and tried to not run to his class. At first, it had been nice because Neil had glanced over at him and then not looked away. But then he’d felt more eyes on him. And though he’d tried to dismiss it as his own anxiety, one glance around the room confirmed that people were looking at him and glancing away and then glancing at him again. He’d tried to assure himself that it must be because he looked a little different than usual – but he knew he didn’t look that different. The whole class period he’d tried to sink into the floor and kept his head down. He’d gone and done the worst thing ever – he’d gotten Neil to look at him for looking weird.

Todd had thrown all his jewelry and all his prettier clothes in the deep corner of his closet and never tried to get Neil’s attention again.

Neil still smiled at him when their eyes caught so it wasn’t too bad.

(The only vaguely good thing that had come out of the entire experience is that Neil’s short friend (Charles? Charlie?) had asked where one of his rings was from because he wanted one for himself.)

(At least Todd’s taste didn’t suck.)

(Just his…. him-ness…. apparently.)

Anyway, since that day Todd tried to avoid Neil as much as he could so he wouldn’t embarrass himself ever again. 

And of course, today, Neil had come into class, looked at his friends, and then turned towards Todd and marched himself into the seat next to Todd’s. 

And now Todd had to suffer from being hyper-aware of his every movement and the smell of his cologne. 

“Psst”, said crush whispered, leaning towards Todd. Todd once again tried not to jump out of his seat. Instead, he forced a fake calm onto his face and turned his head slightly to look at Neil. He tried to look politely inquiring and not disastrously smitten. It must have worked because Neil simply smiled at him and didn’t look at all weirded out. 

Neil moved his hand in front of Todd and Todd looked at it curiously before glancing back at Neil. Neil gave no hint as to what the fuck he was doing. Instead, he simply wiggled his fingers. Todd stared at his hand for a little longer wondering if Neil was pulling some weird prank before finally spotting a small ‘hi!’ written in ink. That didn’t explain much but Todd glanced at Neil’s face again and then hesitantly grabbed his pen and wrote ‘hello’ under it, hoping he hadn’t done anything wrong. 

Neil’s grin, when Todd finally looked up to check (he spent a concerning amount of time taking in Neil’s slightly tan (well tanner than Todd’s but still pretty white, all things considered) skin, his perfectly manicured nails, and his long fingers and thinking about how nice Neil’s hand would be in his own), was even wider. Todd decided that that meant that he’d either done the right thing or he was about to be actually pranked. Neil’s grin seemed too sincere for it to be the latter though.

Or perhaps that was just his lovesick vision looking at Neil.

Neil kept on staring at him, smile still bright, dreamy eyes shining and Todd tried to pull away his eyes (and succeeded for like half a second) before returning Neil’s stare. He could feel the heat on his cheeks (it bloomed every time Neil looked at him) traveling all the way down to his neck. And he had a strong urge to run. He also felt rooted in his spot unable to tear his eyes from Neil (who wasn’t looking away). In the end, he found himself memorizing Neil’s face while pretending he was only returning Neil’s look.

He took as much time as he could allow himself to take in Neil’s high cheekbones, sharp jawline, the cute freckles on his face, the one near his lip, in particular, his soft-looking lips, his big warm eyes, and his thick eyebrows. 

He didn’t know how long he stared at Neil and Neil stared back but he was brought back into the real (not nearly as nice to look at as Neil) world by the sound of the bell. Todd quickly tore his eyes away from Neil, gathered his notebooks and papers, and roughly shoved them into his bag before bolting out of the classroom. 

Because what the fuck.

What the fuck was wrong with him?

He’d just spent God knows how long staring at Neil’s face like a creep. Neil would definitely think that Todd was weird if he hadn’t already thought that already.

Why was Todd like this?

Todd walked faster, wondering where he could go to hide out. He couldn’t go back to his dorm (they were off limits during class time and some teacher would find you no matter what) and he was too anxious to go to class. Perhaps he could fake being sick?

Yeah, that worked. Todd stopped and abruptly turned into the left hallway and headed towards the nurse’s office.

(Luckily for him, he’d had practice pretending to be sick – though usually, it was to avoid group work and/or presentations and not cute boys who made him do stupid things.)

The nurse had sympathetically let him stay there for the next class (which was the last class of the day) before shooing him off with painkillers, a reminder to eat dinner properly, and instructions to grab a snack until then. 

Overall, Todd was prepared to climb into his bed, wrap himself in his blanket, and force himself to forget about embarrassing himself in front of-

“Todd!” Speak of the devil. Todd wondered if he could pretend that he hadn’t heard or that he thought that Neil had called some other name but there was no one else in the hallway so he had no excuse to not turn around.

Neil was walking towards him, his friends following behind. Todd kept his eyes a little off of Neil, to not repeat the earlier incident.

“Hey, I’ve been looking for you,” Neil said, smiling at Todd. Todd ignored the sudden excitement and hope that swelled up.

“O-oh um… what’s- why?” he managed, his face heating up at his own inability to form a sentence.

“Just because,” Neil said. Todd’s heart skipped a beat. “Was wondering where you ran off to. You left really quickly.” Neil’s voice tinged with something that sounded like sadness and though Todd was sure it was just his imagination, he still felt himself glancing directly at Neil’s face to check. His face had fallen a little. Not by much though, if Todd wasn’t so tuned into everything Neil, he probably wouldn’t have even noticed. Still.

“IwasfeelingsicksoIaskedthenurseifIcouldliedownandIjustgotoutoftheoffice!” the words spilled out quickly, in an attempt to reassure Neil – though Todd was unsure of what he was reassuring Neil for. Neil blinked at him twice before smiling even wider (Neil smiled a lot, Todd had noticed). 

“You feeling better now, Anderson?” Neil’s short friend (Charles? Charlie?) asked. Todd nodded, glancing at him and, upon noticing the slightly amused smirk on his face, immediately looking down at the floor to avoid further eye contact.

“Anyway,” Meeks said, cutting through what would have been an awkward silence with a practiced ease, “why don’t you come study with us tonight? If you’re not feeling too sick?”

Todd wanted nothing more than to say no, to go to his room and curl up and just fade away, but Neil had perked up at Meeks words and was now staring at Todd with wide hopeful eyes. 

Todd found himself sitting next to Neil in the common room, staring blankly at his math notebook, pretending he didn’t notice every small movement that Neil was making. He’d initially meant to bring his science notebook, but when he’d flipped it open, it had opened to a page that had Neil’s name written in hearts. He didn’t even remember drawing it. He’d closed it quickly and picked up whatever book he could get his hands on. Math.

Neil was uncharacteristically subdued. Todd had seen him with his friends before, and Neil was always happily talking and moving his hands (adorably) as he did so. Even when they were studying or practicing soccer. But today, he sat next to Todd, quiet. Not as quiet as Todd, of course. He still talked to his friends and smiled and laughed at the right moments, but he wasn’t as energized as before. Todd hoped he was feeling alright. 

He chanced a glance at Neil. He was sitting a little stiff and drawing something in his notebook. Ah. He was probably just tired. Still, Todd moved slightly over to bump their shoulders, shutting all his overthinking away for a second and ignoring how he’d probably freak out when his concern for Neil would melt away, and shot him what he hoped was a politely concerned look. It probably shouldn’t bother Todd so much that Neil was slightly less energetic than usual, but it did. 

Neil looked at him with wide eyes before beaming. His eyes screwed shut, and his lips pulled back to show his teeth. Maybe he was just tired like Todd thought. Because he looked perfectly fine now . Todd stared a little stupidly at Neil’s bright look and only snapped back to attention when Knox (he was learning Neil’s friends’ names) called for Neil to help him with something. Todd thought he heard him muffle an ‘ow’ immediately after, but it was probably nothing. 

Todd stared back down at his notebook, hoping that no one would notice his red ears. He wanted to ask to be excused but the task seemed daunting. The idea of clearing his throat and getting all their eyes and attention on him only to say he had to leave felt extremely awkward. So, he desperately hoped that someone else would say they were leaving, and Todd could use their departure as a way to leave himself. 

As if on cue, Neil spoke up, “Hey, I think I’m gonna call it a day for now. Until dinner at least.” The poets all mumbled agreements or acknowledgments and Neil got up and got his things ready. Then he leaned towards Todd and said quietly, “We dorm near each other, yeah? Wanna walk back with me?” Todd very much did and did not. Neil shot him a hopeful smile. He nodded. 

He quickly packed his own bag and followed after Neil. Only when the door closed behind him did he reach up and pat his hair down, making sure it didn’t look strange. He immediately dropped his hands when Neil turned his head to look back at him.

“So, Todd,” Neil started, stopping briefly so that Todd would be forced to walk alongside him, “How are you liking Welton?” Todd shrugged. When Neil didn’t reply he realized that he probably wanted an actual answer.

Todd gripped the strap of his bag tightly and forced his thoughts out, “It-It’s um… Well, it’s uh… That is… Some parts,” He paused for a second, frustrated at himself before continuing, “are better um, than the rest.” He looked at Neil through the corner of his eye as he said this. Neil didn’t seem to notice.

“Well, it’s good that you found some good things at Hellton.” He shot Todd another knee-buckling grin. Todd weakly smiled back. They were quiet then and Todd wondered if he was supposed to say something. He hoped not. Neil’s presence made Todd’s head spin and even the admittedly small ability he had to function tended to disappear. If he spoke he’d say something stupid like, “Hey, Neil Perry will you be my boyfriend? Or like, fuck off. Because you are devastatingly handsome and incredibly nice and I don’t know you that well, but I would love the honor of being able to get to know everything about you. It’s all very distracting and your general presence near me makes my brain turn to mush and that is not a good quality to have at Welton.”

Before he could think too much about it, however, they had arrived at Neil’s room and Todd’s own was only a door down. Todd had a brief vision of arriving at their doors after a date and wondered if Neil was the type of person to kiss on the first date or not.

He seemed a little gentleman-y.

Whether he was or was not, those kinds of thoughts were not good for Todd to have when Neil’s smiling lips were so close, so he politely bid Neil a goodbye, went to his room, and pretended his hasty exit wasn’t too obvious. 

Todd’s dorm room was shared with some guy named Stick who was polite enough to realize that the idea of talking made Todd want to dig a hole and curl up inside it and then die, was just as bland as any other room at Welton. Todd had imagined decorating it a little, but the thought of his roommate seeing his decorations and thinking them silly resulted in everything that Todd had tentatively bought being stuffed in a box, under his bed. 

Generally, though, Todd liked Stick. He didn’t talk to Todd, Todd didn't talk to him. They had established a relationship of sticky notes posted on the wall near their door that had little reminders for each other. Stuff like “ I have a test tomorrow so I’ll be studying longer” so that the other person was aware that the lights would be on for longer and had time to mentally deal with it. Or an occasional “please pick up your Lego sets, I keep on stepping on them and that hurts a lot” from Todd. Sometimes, for classes they had together, they’d exchange notes but Stick never put Todd in a position where he’d feel obligated to socialize and Todd appreciated that. 

Apparently, their mutual vow of polite-talk-only would end today, as Stick saw Todd walking in and grinned at him.

“So, Neil Perry huh?” 

The sound that Todd let out could only be described as a squeak as he stared wide-eyed at Stick. Stick laughed.

“I think you two could be cute together. Never talks and never stops talking. And hey, if you date Neil then he could totally take over polite talk at events. If he went as your date I mean.”

Everything about those words sounded appealing to Todd but he couldn’t verbalize any of it so he instead continued to stare at Stick with wide eyes. Stick mistook his general fear of people as fear of something else and waved his hands frantically.

“Dude, I’m, like, totally not homophobic. Actually, had a crush on Dalton for a while a few years ago. And then one on that Cameron guy for a bit.” 

“I-I didn’t um think you were,” Todd finally said, voice barely coming out. He couldn’t be sure that Stick could even hear him, but he continued, “A-about Neil… I mean it’s not- like okay- but I mean-“

“Dude, I get it,” Stick said, Todd blinked at him in confusion. 

He got it? Todd didn’t even get what he was trying to say. And he was the one speaking.

“You aren’t ready to like deal with it. Well, to be honest, getting a crush on Neil Perry is practically Welton tradition at this point.” He laughed quietly. “He’s very crush-able.” 

Todd wholeheartedly agreed. Though…

If everyone had had a crush on Neil, did that mean that Todd had a chance to get over his feelings?

“You totally have a shot though, Todd.” 

Todd startled. 

“Oh, come on, don’t look at me like that! You can’t not know. I’ve seen you watching him, surely you’ve noticed him watching you! Though I guess a lot of people do that-“

“Watch me?” Todd cut in, absolutely overwhelmed, and confused. People were watching him? Was it because of his haircut? Was there something wrong with how he wore his uniform? Did they also talk behind his back? Did they laugh at him? Stick stared at him for a second before backtracking.

“I mean- no it doesn’t matter what I meant; I’m talking nonsense. I just meant that I’ve totally seen Perry checking you out. Like he totally freaked out when you wore your uniform without the tie and vest. And like, last Sunday he asked his friends to save the seat next to yours in Biology so he could get a chance to sit next to you.” Stick shrugged as if he hadn’t just changed Todd’s whole understanding of the world and turned back to whatever was on his desk. Leaving Todd to try and process everything by himself as he took his stuff out and placed it on the desk to look over before going to sleep.

In the end, Todd did the safe thing.

He took his jacket and shoes off, climbed under his blanket, curled up, and tried to not think of anything. 

Todd woke up a few hours later. It was a few minutes after curfew which meant that everyone else was still asleep. Though he turned and changed positions, Todd couldn’t go back to sleep. Instead, he lay there thinking about what Stick had said.

Surely he had misunderstood something. But… but Todd wanted what Stick had said to be true. Did Neil ask his friends to save a seat? Did Neil like him back?

Todd furrowed his brows in concentration as he recalled all his interactions with Neil. Though the more he thought of Neil the more he forgot why he was thinking about him and just focused on Neil . So after a few minutes, he sat up and reached for the notebook lying on his desk and decided to jot down the interactions instead. (He was for once in his life grateful that his family was awful at giving him presents because he could finally use the small flashlight his brother had given him as a ‘ congrats you got into my old school’ present).

Neil was nice to him, but Neil was nice to everyone. Still, Todd wrote it down. Neil smiled at him a lot, but as far as Todd knew, he was always smiling. Todd still wrote it down. Neil also glanced at him, but Todd had no way of knowing if that was just a casual glance or if it meant something.

If Todd was braver, he’d take his half-assed list and Stick’s confirmation and do something about it. But Todd was not, so he would not be doing anything.

He tried to go back to sleep.

Morning came, Todd got ready, and he went to class. He paused for a bit, thinking about Neil and Stick and the list, but then put it all out of his mind. He tried to embrace the mundane day and avoided anything that reminded him. Or at least he planned to.

Yet, there he sat, next to Neil, in Biology class, once again not listening to his teacher to instead steal glances at Neil and pretend like he wasn’t. 

It was all going fine, all things considered.

Until, of course, his teacher said to get out a spare piece of paper. And Todd usually ripped one out from the back of his spiral notebook. So he turned his book to the last paper and lo and behold. His stupid list. Todd immediately shut the book, chancing a glance at Neil who, as per Todd’s horrendous luck, was looking at the now closed book.

“Did that say my name?” Neil asked. 

Todd shook his head. 

“No.” his voice came out high-pitched and squeaky. But Neil, the angel that he was, just nodded and didn’t push him on it.

“Do you need a piece of paper?” Neil asked. Todd nodded. Neil handed him one. 

The teacher droned on about the assignment and Todd prayed to any and every god that Neil would never remember this.

The activity lasted around ten-ish minutes and then the teacher started his boring lecture again. Todd tried to pay attention, seriously this time.

Neil moved his hand in front of Todd and Todd looked at it curiously before glancing back at Neil. Neil gave no hint as to what the fuck he was doing. Instead, he simply wiggled his fingers. All of this was oddly similar to their last biology class together. Todd studied Neil’s hand to find what he had written and found a small ‘sorry for asking if your notebook had my name when it probably didn’t :( and making it all awkward :((‘ Todd found himself charmed.

He took his pen and wrote ‘ you didn’t make anything weird :)’ taking care to make sure the smiley face was nice and cute. Neil’s face turned a little pink when he read it and he beamed at Todd.

A strong reaction for a small thing, though that was a little hypocritical coming from him of all people.

Stick’s voice echoed in his head.

Suddenly Todd felt himself fill up with a strong thirst for an answer. He didn’t know why. He was fine with his longing gazes, but he just wanted to know now. Was he reading too much into nothing (probably)? Did he have a chance (probably not)? He just wanted a rejection. Something solid.

His mind clawed through everything he’d heard lately to find something to grasp onto and ask Neil about. To find some connection or anything of the sort. Todd then remembered that he’d heard from someone who’d heard from someone else who’d overheard Neil telling his friend about a play he had tried out for.

So, Todd quickly jotted down, ‘I heard you’re gonna be in a play’ onto the palm of his head and quickly moved it in front of Neil before the logical (anxious) part of his brain could stop him. Neil looked surprised briefly but then he gently grasped Todd’s hand to steady it – Todd hadn’t realized it was shaking slightly. How fucking embarrassing, he shouldn’t have woken up today. Though even those kinds of thoughts were only whispers because his brain was putting its primary focus on the warmth of Neil’s hand holding his. Todd felt himself craving and craving even more. Like how one might crave breathing or eating if they were to be deprived of such.

Todd wanted to look away to stop his brain from overloading, but he was glad that he didn’t because he might’ve missed the way Neil’s face lit up after he finished reading Todd’s hand. His eyes even did the cute crinkling thing. Todd wondered how many demerits for saying fuck it and kissing his pretty face would there be. 

Neil started scribbling a reply and Todd tried to force his face to become less red, his heart to beat a little less, and for his body to not act like it had shut down. 

He felt like he heard someone giggling but he was sure that was just his anxiety. 

But by the time Neil stopped writing, the bell had rung. Todd fought back the urge to run away again. Instead, he carefully put his stuff away, and read what Neil had written. 

‘Yes!! I’m in a play they’re putting on over at Henley Hall! We’re starting rehearsals soon and I’m really nervous. I’d ask you to come but I think that might make me more nervous. But you should totally come by when we have our first showing :D if you want I mean!! No pressure !’ 

Todd reread all the words just in case he’d misread something. And then he reread them again.

He looked at Neil who was rocking slightly on his feet, cheeks still the pretty pink that Todd was starting to suspect might be because of him.

He meant to agree to come. But instead, he said something different.

“I make you nervous?” Neil’s face turned pinker. It was fascinating.

“I mean. Yeah, kind of.” He reached up to run a hand through his hair. Todd’s eyes followed the movement. “Not-Not in like a bad way. I mean. You’re just really cute. I mean- “ 

“You too. I mean everything makes me nervous,” Todd hoped the joke would land, because he wasn’t thinking through what he was saying, and all of this was too much and unreal, and perhaps Todd hadn’t woken up properly. Luckily Neil smiled. “Y-you’re cute too. I mean, yeah.” Cute was an understatement.

“Yeah?” Neil asked, voice breathy in a way that made Todd’s heart skip a beat. 

“Yeah.” 

Were they having a moment? Was this a moment?

‘Oh my god,’ Todd thought when he thought he saw Neil’s eyes flicker downwards, ‘I’m having a moment with Neil Perry’.

In a sudden rush of adrenalin and his English teacher’s voice saying “Carpe Diem!”, Todd decided to be bold.

“If you need someone to practice lines with…” Todd started, with his newfound boldness, which immediately sputtered away when his words started catching up.

Neil’s cheeks flushed pleasantly, and his smile widened. 

“Ye-yeah! I would like that!” Neil must’ve forgotten his apparent nervousness near Todd because his agreement came out quickly.

Todd wasn’t sure what exactly, but he felt as if something had just changed in between them at that very moment. A good change, he was sure. 

After that, Todd started seeing Neil a lot more. Neil would seek him out during lunch or after classes. Todd started joining Neil and his friends’ study group more often. What had completely blindsided Todd, was how quickly and easily Neil's friends had accepted him as a new addition (though he wasn’t really always with them like they were with each other. Todd didn’t want to overstep, so he came only when invited). It had been only a bit over a week really, since that conversation with Neil and the sudden closeness it brought forth. Neil’s friends, though, treated Todd like an old friend, though Todd noticed that sometimes they would visibly back down as if they could tell when Todd was getting overwhelmed. The whole thing was overwhelming.

Suddenly Todd, who’d only spoken about a handful of sentences since he’d transferred here, was being pulled into conversation left and right (well not really, but to his standards). He’d stutter through a sentence, mortified at himself, only to look up and see whichever one of Neil’s friends had pulled him into a conversation patiently waiting and listening to him. Not a single person ever cut him off even if he took too long to speak.

It was… something.

They’d invite him to sit with them for lunch. They’d randomly stop and talk to him. They’d wave him over for group activities. Todd did not know what to do with all of this but he’d be lying if it didn’t make him feel warm and nice.

Another perk of the newfound closeness between Neil and Todd was that when it was just the two of them, they’d go through the lines for Neil’s play. Todd wished he could say what play it was, but when Neil was performing, all Todd could see was him, all Todd could hear was him, all Todd could think about was him.

Todd was so in love, it was actually kind of funny.

Todd was at that stage where having a crush made everything fun and giddy. Probably because the more he got to know Neil the more he felt a traitorous part of him think he had a chance. After all, Neil said he made him nervous. Neil had called him cute. 

“Whatcha thinking about Toddster?” Neil's friend Charlie said, wiggling his eyebrows at him. Todd became aware of the no-doubt sappy grin on his face.

“Nothing,” he replied, giving Charlie an answering smile. Charlie stared at him suspiciously.

Todd had been walking to the common room for a study session Neil had invited him to when he ran into Charlie Dalton - Neil’s best friend. Charlie had offered to walk with him with a suspicious-looking glint in his eye that Todd had ignored because he wanted to be on Neil's friend’s good side.

They had mostly walked in silence, other than a few comments here and there via Charlie. Until now.

“Toddothy Anderson” Charlie gasped suddenly, “Don’t tell me you have a crush! And you didn’t tell me, your best friend?” Charlie looked outraged. Todd wondered if he should mention that Charlie and he had only been tentative friends for like a week now. Also what the actual hell was Toddothy and Toddster?

Todd ended up voicing the last question.

“Sexy nicknames, duh. Anyway, about your crush-”

“I don’t have a crush.”

“Right, of course. Anyway about your crush-”

“Charlie…” 

Todd had a funny realization that Charlie was talking to him like they were really good friends. Like Todd wasn’t just his tentative friend for a week. Instead, Charlie had come to genuinely like Todd and was teasing him like he did with his other friends. Todd’s sappy grin turned sappier.

Todd had a friend.

Ever since that conversation with Neil (Cute, he’d called him cute!), it seemed as if everything was suddenly brighter. Todd had somehow made friends and got to be near his crush. 

“You know,” Charlie said, grinning mischievously, much to Todd’s worry, “You and Neil look really good next to each other.”

And then, after dropping that onto Todd’s poor little heart, Charlie skipped away, refusing to elaborate. 

Neil’s best friend thought that they looked good together! This had to mean something. (Unless, of course, Charlie meant it as an objective observation. Not that they looked good next to each as in good together but just that he found them both handsome or found their features relatively compatible but somehow Todd felt he might be overthinking that.)

During the study session, Todd couldn’t help but feel as if everyone in the group was stealing glances at him. Shrugging it off as his usual paranoia didn’t help much. 

He’d thought he saw Charlie giving him a strange look but he had dismissed it as him still teasing Todd about his crush. But then Knox also stared at him wide-eyed before flinching and looking away obviously. Meeks and Pitts glanced at him more casually that if Todd was not so attuned to everyone because of his own anxiety, he would not have noticed. Cameron looked a little apprehensively at him, which Todd didn’t understand the meaning of. 

Neil, though, Neil wasn’t even trying to pretend he wasn’t looking at Todd. He was sitting next to Todd, elbow on the table and face in his hand, towards Todd, just…. staring.

Todd coughed. Neil didn’t look away nor move away. Todd slowly turned and immediately pulled back when he realized how close Neil was. Their noses almost touching. Todd cleared his throat.

“Is um… Is everything okay?” he asked, hoping his voice came out normal. Neil grinned brightly and nodded.

“Yup!”

“Because you’re uh you’re kinda staring… I mean…”

“Oh! Sorry!” 

He didn’t stop staring though. Todd, realizing he didn’t know how to deal with that, nodded and put his attention back to his work, a little stiff and awkward. Not before noticing the cheeky smile and wink Charlie gave him and returning it with a confused scowl. 

For a moment nothing happened, then Neil’s hand came in front of his, and Todd, already used to it, instinctively searched his skin for inked words.

‘ want to take a risk with me?’ 

The first thought that came to Todd’s head was that Neil was asking him out. Those words read exactly like a ‘ take a chance and date me ’ kind of thing. Against his knowledge, a little balloon of hope swelled in his chest. He only noticed it when it popped abruptly at Neil’s next note.

‘want to join the guys and me for our club?’ 

‘ Club?’ Todd thought. Todd was already aware of all the extracurriculars that Neil was in. (Not because he was watching him. Just.. just because.) Maybe it was something outside of school?

Abruptly a memory of being awoken in the middle of the night because of loud giggles and quick hushes that did nothing outside his door and turning to Stick in confusion rose to the front of his mind. He’d been so confused but Stick had shrugged it off - saying at worst Welton was haunted and at best someone was sneaking out. 

A strange thing to remember at the moment, sure. But Todd couldn’t control how his mind worked. It was often that Todd connected a topic to something else in a way that made little sense when spoken out loud. 

Did Todd want to take a risk - one that didn’t involve kissing Neil Perry? Not particularly. Todd did not like ambiguity or danger. 

Todd glanced at Neil, Neil with his big wide pleading eyes.

He carefully wrote ‘yes’ onto his palm.

Todd wrapped his jacket tighter around himself, careful to not make any noise as he walked towards the top of the steps. That was where Neil had told him to go to after lights out. Todd had been worried he’d be the first there, but when he arrived the other guys were all standing, waiting. (Or at least he hoped it was them. It was a little too dark to see clearly.)

The first person to spot him seemed like Neil by height and the enthusiasm of the figure's wave. Todd moved closer, squinting. When the figure became more clear, he could see Neil's bright smile. Todd grinned back at him. Neil put his finger up to his lip to mimic keeping quiet and gestured for Todd to follow him. 

Todd did.

The boys were all quiet though Todd knew that that wasn't always the case. Privately, Todd thought they should take effort and work on that. Half of Welton was sure they were haunted, after all. Though, of course, no one at the school had the energy to care much. 

They snuck through the building and out the door, giving the guard dog pets and snacks to keep him from barking and ruining the whole plan. And potentially their entire high school experience. Todd would usually be more nervous about doing something so daring. However, after they'd gone through the doors, Neil had grabbed his hand. So now that was all he was thinking about. He did not know where they were going, he simply followed Neil via their joined hands, love-struck. He hoped they weren't leading him anywhere shady but found that he wouldn't care too much if they did as long as Neil's hand was in his.

Todd really needed to get this checked out because this mindset could not be healthy.

The worry didn't really settle as something genuine until they reached an old cave and Neil let go of his hand. The boys all entered the cage, taking spots with a practiced ease, and Todd settled down with Neil next to him. Their hands brushed and Todd wanted to reach over but he didn't. 

As the boys were all settling, Todd started to wonder why he was there. Why were they here? Briefly recalling some book he'd read about a cult, he wondered if he was about to be sacrificed.

He was embarrassed to admit the thought after that was if Neil would hold his hand when they sacrificed him. Todd bit his lower lip and shuffled closer to Neil. He thought he saw Neil stiffen from the corner of his eye but when he actually looked at him, he seemed pleased almost.

"Gentlemen," Neil called after a moment. Todd felt like he was about to stand up but he didn't. "Today," he continued, "we welcome a guest, Todd Anderson."

The boys clapped and Todd flushed. It still felt cult-like but they said ‘guest’ and not ‘sacrifice’ so...

Neil waited a second before starting to speak again, "I'll now read the traditional opening message by society member Henry David Thoreau.” He recited the message and Todd listened intently about living deliberately and sucking out all the marrow of life. At the end, the boys clapped and whooped again and Todd hesitantly joined in too. He was a little confused; though it seemed this was a kind of literary club and not an actual cult. 

"We read poetry here, basically," Meeks, who was sitting on Todd's other side said, as if sensing Todd's confusion. Todd shot him a grateful smile.

"Or we write our own," Knox added.

"Which is just as horrible as it sounds when it's Knox's self-written poems," Charlie piped up, reaching for a cigarette. His remark caused the poets to snort and Knox to let out an offended huff.

"It kills me to," Cameron said, "but I have to agree with Charlie. You can only write so much poetry about Chris before it gets old."

"Chris?" Todd asked.

"His crush," Neil answered, leaning in even though he had no real reason to.

Todd felt himself lean back against the cave wall, relaxed as the boys - or the poets, he supposed - told him about their usual meetings, taking well-natured stings at each other. Despite being the new guy there, Todd felt at ease. As if he was meant to be there from the start.

In the end, though, they didn't read any poetry, leaving Todd a little disappointed. When they were getting up to leave, Todd pointed this out.

Charlie smirked at him, eyes glinting with mischievousness as he decided that that meant that Todd had no choice but to come to the next meeting. Todd knew that the other poets didn't plan this out - Knox didn't look like he'd be able to keep a good poker face. But he got the feeling that Charlie had. It made sense, he was the one who elongated dying conversations. 

Todd found he wasn't upset about this at all.

The walk back wasn't as lively as the walk to the cave, but it had its own charm. They all whispered jokes to each other, and Todd and Neil walked slowly, shoulders brushing.

Todd felt Neil shuffle and then a voice whispered into his ears, sending pleasant shivers down his spine.

"Did you enjoy today?" 

Todd nodded, not trusting his voice to cooperate. He didn't dare to move his head until Neil leaned back again. Then, he chanced a glance at him.

Neil was always beautiful, but the moonlight illuminating him gently, so close that Todd could make him out so clearly even in the dark, and eyes shining - he was ethereal. 

Words climbed up Todd's through but before he could choke them out, Knox called out for them to hurry, breaking the moment.

Todd spent the days after filling his dorm's trash can with crumpled pieces of paper while pretending to not notice Stick's judging eyes.

At first, Stick had been supportive, asking which class the assignment that was clearly beating Todd, was for. Todd had considered lying, but Neil's name was clearly written on the paper in front of him.

Even then Stick's support didn't waver. He offered to bounce ideas with Todd as he tried to write his poetry.

Eventually though, as Todd wrote more and more, and threw away more and more pieces of paper, Stick's judgment grew. 

It wasn't Todd's fault. Nothing was good enough. It was too little or too much. Todd didn't know how to tell Neil, he didn't even know what exactly he wanted to tell him.

Sometimes he'd think he'd gotten it, but then Neil would stand next to him, reach over, and fix Todd's hair or tie, and the words wouldn't be adequate enough.

To be fair, though, it wasn't fully unsuccessful. Todd had written quite a few words about Neil that he kept to himself. They were too private to share so they were tucked into a notebook he'd never let anyone see. 

Todd groaned and folded the paper in front of him before leaving the room to meet up with Neil instead. He felt disappointed at not finding the words still but he supposed it was a problem to think about later 

Neil noticed his downtrodden face and asked what was wrong. For a second Todd considered just spilling his thoughts there, confusing and plenty as they were.

But he didn't.

He just smiled and said nothing, and after a moment Neil seemed to accept his answer. 

Neil asked if he wanted around the grounds and Todd agreed.

However, try as he might, during the walk, Todd kept on thinking about his inability to just say what he wanted. He could fill notebooks with his thoughts, but it was never enough.

Todd tried to keep up with Neil’s attempts at conversation, but he failed miserably.

Eventually, Neil gave up with a small frown that put a wince of guilt in Todd’s stomach. The two walked quietly, listening to the chatter of other students until it started to fade out as they walked farther away from the building. 

Todd was startled when Neil abruptly stopped walking. He stopped too, waiting for Neil to explain why he had. He didn’t expect Neil to turn towards him with a small frown gracing his face. Todd found himself mimicking the frown, worry clawing up his body as his mind immediately jumped to the worst-case scenario - Todd had ruined everything just by today.

“What’s wrong?” Neil asked and before Todd could speak, he spoke again, “And don’t say nothing. I know it’s nothing.”

Todd gulped, feeling a little out of his depth, and still worried he’d ruined everything.

“It-it’s really nothing. I mean… it’s nothing for you to worry about.”

“If it’s bothering you, of course, I’m gonna worry.” Neil shot back.

“You don’t- you don’t have to do that.”

“Maybe,” Neil agreed, “but I will.”

“I can,” Todd took a breath, “I can take care of myself, you know.” 

Neil stared at him, eyes intently studying Todd’s face.

“No.”

“What do you mean ‘no’?”

Neil smiled, “No.”

Todd stared at him, at a loss for words. Neil reached over, still smiling, and ruffled his hair. Todd ducked away but his movement was slow in surprise. Neil laughed as Todd tried to fix his hair then threw his arm around Todd’s shoulder and started walking again.

He didn’t push Todd to tell him his problem again, but Todd knew it was only time before he would worry again. For now, he was giving him time to figure out what to say.

They didn’t really speak after that, but the silence was comforting. Neil held him close, his warmth seeping into Todd, comforting.

Todd finally knew what to do.

When Neil walked Todd back to his dorm room, Todd told him to wait a second. Neil looked confused but nodded anyway.

Todd rushed into his room, hurriedly searching for a pen. He had like a billion but he couldn’t find any.

He turned around when someone tapped his shoulder. Stick stood there, holding a pen out for him to take. Todd stared at him in confusion.

“You two aren’t subtle,” Stick said, rolling his eyes, and taking Todd’s hand and placing the pen on top of it. Todd thanked him meekly, face pink.

He left the room, the pen behind his back. Neil was still there, waiting.

“I want,” Todd stumbled, took a deep breath, and tried again, “I want to take a risk.” 

Neil smiled at him, looking curious as he asked what the risk was. 

Todd reached for his hand and Neil gave it to him quickly. For a second Todd marveled at the new strange closeness between them. Then, slowly, on Neil’s palm, he wrote the three simplest words he could. When Todd looked up at Neil he was smiling at him, hopefully, no doubt making out the words a little. 

‘i like you’

Neil only glanced at them momentarily in confirmation before reaching for Todd’s hand which was still holding the pen. He took the pen and copied the words onto Todd’s palm under Todd’s watching eyes.

'i like you too'