Chapter Text

- December 4 -

“… You know I think you should prolong your first year till next year.” the kind, gentle voice of my one and only mother noted with fret and seriousness through the video call, her face echoing the tone in her words, “It’s not too late, after all! You could consider it a gap year-” 

“Ma, I’ve had enough time away from anything remotely stimulating.” I sighed, massaging my forehead, fatigue increasing as I noticed how late it was, “It’s not like I’m a criminal nor do I associate with them; Kira has no business with me-” my mother glowered at me for my attitude and went to speak but I interrupted with a solid look.

“I get it. It’s scary; but we still don’t even know that Kira is a real person!” I shrugged, falling onto my sofa as I held my phone up whilst playing with my hair. I couldn’t help but pout at the unflattering angle I was holding it at and attempted, and failed, to rectify it, “It’s not exactly something that makes logical sense; who can kill someone without being there to cause it, in one way or another?”

There was a momentary pause as my mother appeared to be thinking whilst trying to convey a point to me through her eyes - the point that she was scared for my well being and, as always, didn’t want me to risk it when it’s completely avoidable.

“Look.” my mother began after a momentary pause, “You know we’ll support every decision you make.” she began with a sigh, “But I worry about you, is all, and-” she stopped, looking away as she began to collect herself, trying not to tear up, whilst trying to coin the right phrasing for such a sensitive subject, “We- I just can’t risk losing you. Not after last time…”

And there it was: the elephant in the room.

‘We haven’t spoken about it. Any of it.’ I looked away at the wall, frowning at it in silence as my mother attempted to hold in her tears. 

I couldn’t look at her, never mind in the eyes.

‘This is what I’ve reduced her to - the most important woman in my life…’

“I get that…” I muttered after a few moments, once I was sure she was able to talk, before clearing my throat in an attempt to remove the lump that seemed to have solidified there, “This isn’t gonna be anything like that, mama.” I reassured with a sigh as I slowly attempted to look back at her picture on the screen, “I’m here to start fresh and that idiot I moved with will be keeping an eye on me, I’m sure.” I confirmed, attempting a smile. Mum simply sighed, sadly.

“Who will you talk to?” she begged, “If you’re not with me, I can’t give you the attention you need as I could with you being physically here.” I smiled sadly.

‘It isn’t your job to look after me anymore, Ma.’ I couldn’t tell her that. Just attempted a bright smile and nodded in understanding.

“Ne, what do you think Mono has been doing all this time, huh?” I chimed, “I can confide in him; he’s my most trusted friend.” I hummed before shrugging, “Besides, they upped the therapy sessions to once a week now, so I can always hang on until the next session as I did before. 

“The point is I’ll be fine, mama.” I reassured with a small, somewhat genuine smile, “If the world continues to will it, then there must be a reason - and to find that reason, I need to start living my life, even if that means leaving what I know behind to explore the unknown.” my mother sighed, obviously unsatisfied at my choice, though she seemed calmer and more certain of my ability to take care of myself.

‘Better than I expected…’

“Alright.” she sighed, “Anyway, I need to go and make dinner.” I frowned.

“Why’s he late?” I quirked a brow as my mother looked both deflated and amused.

“Meetings. He’s had them all day.” her wry smile faded as she practically whined, “I suspect I’m going to hear all about it for the next few hours to come…” I chuckled.

“Have fun with that, mama!” I chimed with a smirk, earning a middle finger, making me laugh.

“Yeah yeah.” she rolled her eyes. After a moment her features softened before she proclaimed her love for me and wished me goodnight, both of which I returned.

I watched the video of her attempting to hang up until she succeeded, her profile picture taking its place, with a frown. Immediately my features fell, feeling too exhausted to keep up the charade much longer, and I threw my phone to the other end of the sofa before lying down and staring up at the plain, white ceiling.

‘Mono and I still have several weeks before we take the exams, and even more weeks before we attend the ceremony…’ I sighed, blowing air out towards the ceiling with a bored look, ‘Well, actually, more like several months, but still.’ I sighed, ‘More if we’re talking about actually attending classes for the first time, all of which rides on us passing the exams in the first place…’

After a few moments of nothingness I sat up, grabbing my phone again, before passing through my bedroom and retreating to the bathroom and immediately going for the faucets to the bath. With a little adjustment, I was satisfied with the temperature and left to prepare my clothing and anything else I might want whilst I took a relaxing soak.

‘I suppose it isn’t all bad for the pair of us.’ I hummed, ‘We got into To-oh despite the pair of us having long records supporting us being veteran dropouts…’ I snickered, smiling at the thought, 'Still, at least I'm completing my first degree by taking the next three years here, so long as I pass the entrance exams! So I can't be quite that bad.' I hummed, beginning to strip off my clothing, pausing for a moment at a sudden thought, 'I don't think I ever asked how Mono was planning on paying for his degree…?' I frowned, going back to undressing, 'I’m eligible to get fundings through a mixture of scholarships, disability-related benefits and student loans (which will come through after my results for the entrance exams are through), though there is an excess of about a grand per year I have to pay upfront, split into three payments, for and at the beginning of each term-'

"Ouch!" I cursed, taking more care as I removed the bandages around my still-healing wounds, wincing and hissing every now and then, starting from the neck and going down.

“Man, these ones are taking a long time…” I sighed, going and grabbing the gauze, saline solution, antibiotic ointment and waterproof bandages, dressings and cover, as well as some salt - the last two for the bath, only.

By the time I was done cleaning my wounds out, making sure to attend to my neck wounds in front of a mirror, and had dressed them, the bath was ready. I quickly measured out some salt and, before adding it to the bath and mixing it in, I placed the waterproof covers over the various lacerations, with some difficulty.

“I’m starting to wonder if a bath is worth it…” I grumbled, dryly, as I fiddled with the covers, making sure they were completely sealed shut, before slowly entering the water, sighing in relaxation as my body adjusted to the temperature.

Once again, I found myself staring up at the plain, white ceiling - only this time, I was in warm water. 

“That’s an improvement, right?” I muttered, tilting my head slightly, “This is how people make themselves feel better?” I slumped, looking down at my body as it attempted to float thanks to the waterproof covers.

“Surely this is better than before?” I blinked, looking around before sighing.

“Ya know, it sucks not being able to see you anymore, LJ…” I heard a snort from said individual, who I could tell rolled his eyes.

“You weren’t supposed to in the first place; consider this an improvement.” It was my turn to snort.

“Sure.” I rolled my eyes, “I don’t know if I feel better. Part of me wonders if I’ll ever feel better…” My features softened as I flicked at the water with my finger, “What is my purpose anymore? The only person I stayed alive for is dead. How am I supposed to recover from that?” 

“You’re allowed to live for yourself, you know." I rolled my eyes again.

“How droll of you.” I glared, “I’m not enough for myself. You know that.” I shook my head, “I need something to cling onto because even when I’m doing the things I love, whether it makes me money or not, I’m bored, disconnected and fed up. 

“Ultimately I have no purpose, other than to exist for the sake of idiots who love me.” I chuckled, “I guess you’re one of them, huh?” LJ snorted, a small smirk making its way onto his features, though he said nothing.

‘He’d never admit something like that, even if he were capable of love.’ I hummed, ‘I’m not completely sure any of my personalities would… Maybe Koi, or Cornea if pushed?’ I nodded, ‘Yeah he’s a big softie.’ I chuckled, as did LJ.

“What are the plans for tomorrow?” LJ turned serious, “You’ve been here for three weeks now; you haven’t visited anywhere yet and you’re obviously growing anxious about it.” I frowned.

“Why tomorrow?” I hummed, cocking a brow. LJ glared.

“Don’t play with me; who out of all of us wants to deal with a huge melt down?” I hummed in agreement.

“It’s true. Might even cause a psychotic break again…” I nodded my head from side to side as I thought aloud, “They’re always fun.” 

“Stop being facetious.” LJ scolded in a bored and disinterested tone, the words and tone making an odd combination that, at this point, is quite signature to her first other personality, “And get out of the habit; you hate how people respond to such flippancy, so do something about it.”

I sighed, rolling my eyes and dismissing him with the swat of my left hand.

“If I’m not flippant, people get uncomfortable. People don’t know how to handle the reality of a sick individual when they themselves have no comparable experience or consider such talk to be taboo. At this point what does it matter?”

“It doesn’t.” he rolled his eyes again , “But it bothers you nonetheless.” I lifted my hands up in mock surrender.

“You got me.” I sighed before sinking further into the bath, “I’ll try harder.” I nodded to myself.

And like that he was gone from my mind without so much as a goodbye handshake.

‘Alone…’ my features drooped, surely displaying all the pain, fatigue and stress for a rare moment. I bit my lip before giving in and getting out of the bath, still feeling as unsatisfied as I had before it.

‘Will it always be this way? From here on out?’ I pondered before giving into another sigh, staring at nothing in particular as I dried myself and got dressed.

“I suspect so…” I muttered to no one as I fell onto my bed, “After all, it’s always been that way, really, hasn’t it?” I frowned.

‘Yeah…’ I looked up, ‘I think it has, just with a moment of bliss to distract me for a time…’

And here I was again. Staring at the plain, white ceiling - but this time, I at least had room to sprawl out.

‘Yes,’ I hummed, feeling a moment of content as I allowed fatigue to overtake my mind and body, ‘this is the best place to stare at the boring ceiling.’  

Chapter Text

- December 5 -

“Wait so-” I paused, collecting my thoughts with a deep frown on my face, “Why different systems for date-year and age-year?” I begged, puzzled as I absentmindedly collected some white chocolate and shoved it into my mouth, only to cover it and continue with my question, “Is it related at all to the calendar difference you mentioned?” I pointed a finger, “You know, as in them having two calendars that they follow, like India? The 2020 one and the four thousand… something or other?” I tried, being unable to recall all of the information. Mono hunched over further, fingers out and bouncing - a small thing he’s always done when discussing a topic of interest and or gets the opportunity to explain things to people.

“4718 - and, you see,” he gave a small smile, excitement clear in his eyes, “age and year are different characters because they’re seen as completely separate, though I suppose you could say 2020 and 20 20 and be understood.” he hummed, nodding his head, “But, without having looked it up, I would assume it’s related to the fact that they aren’t necessarily in year 2020, as you said. After all, the year 2020 Common Era is a western concept based on Christianity.” I blinked.

“Okay this might sound stupid but, although I kinda knew that bit about it being based on Christianity, and it makes perfect sense, I also didn’t quite connect that despite BC literally meaning ‘Before Christ’.” I blinked before frowning.

“Wait, why do we still follo-”

“We interrupt this program to bring you a special, worldwide broadcast from the ICPO, Interpol!”

“Huh?” our attention was grabbed as the pair of us blinked towards the TV, gripped by the sudden, important-sounding words after it having given a few a moment's silence just before, “Interpol?” I frowned, “The police, then?”

“Interpol is just another name for ICPO…” Mono muttered with a frown, bringing my attention to him. I noted that his eyes never left the screen, “Must be serious.” I nodded with a hum, looking back at the TV.

“We’ll start now!”

“Maybe it’s about Kira…” I noted Mono nodding lightly from the corner of my eye before bringing all of my attention back to the screen.

Suddenly the screen changed to a well-kept man in a suit with a name plaque before him. 

““Lind. L. Taylor”?” my nose scrunched up.

“That’s a very English name.” Mono noted aloud.

“Hn.” I nodded, still neither of us looking away from the screen, “Odd to see here.” Mono nodded.

“Think they’ve involved the SOCA?” he joked, making me blank enough that my eyes darted to his.

“The wha…?” he raised a brow, his attention back onto me.

“You don’t know them?” I shook my head.

“What are they? British FBI or something?” Mono hummed, nodding his head slightly from side to side in thought.

“Kinda. Stands for the Serious Organized Crime Agency.” he thought for a moment before continuing, “They basically deal with any threats posed by multinational organised crime, both within the UK and elsewhere.” I frowned.

“Surely it can’t be that serious yet, ne?” I begged, feeling a deep wave of sickening anxiety pit at the bottom of my stomach, “We still don’t even know Kira is real, for sure.” Mono chuckled.

“I wouldn’t worry;” I relaxed slightly at his tone, “they said Interpol, so it's probably not going to involve any other authoritative bodies.” he paused, “At least yet.” I nodded.

“I am Lind. L. Taylor, the sole person able to mobilise the world’s police. ”

“Whoop well I guess that answers that question!” I joked, earning a laugh.

“Well that was easy.” he snickered. 

“ Also known as L. ” 

“Hm. Maybe I’ll go by A, huh, Mono? Would be easier for class.” I chimed, earning a raised brow.

“Is that still not sorted?” I shrugged. 

“They said they’d change my name but that I’d have some papers to sign.” I sighed, resting my head on my hand and my elbow on my crossed leg, “It might take some time before they can call me in - maybe a week or two.” I shrugged, “I’ll get an email with the details and should be able to pop in anytime the campus is open, no appointment necessary.” he nodded, understanding and was about to comment, however he was interrupted by the TV, which drew our attention once again.

“There has been a string of serial killings targeting criminals. This is the most atrocious act of murder in history and it will not go unpunished.”

“I bet he’s fun to have at parties…” I muttered, earning a snicker.

“I will definitely catch the one behind the murders, commonly known as ‘kira’.”

“People really could’ve been more imaginative with the names.” Mono thought aloud, making me chuckle.

“I’d have gone with Killua-” I raised my hands up, “-for obvious reasons.” Mono sighed, giving me a weird look. I glared, “Hey it’s better than the translation for Killer from English!” he just shook his head.

“Kira,” we blinked, looking back at the TV, drawn in by the sudden direct message, “I have a pretty good idea behind your motive and why you’re doing this.”

“Same thing but okay-” I muttered to myself before being interrupted.

“But what you’re doing is… evil! ”

“Is it completely professional to be talking directly to him like this in this manner? Isn’t that just going to provoke him.” I frowned, tapping my bottom lip with my index finger. Mono simply stared at the TV with a contemplative look adorning his features, though he said nothing.

“Unless that’s the point?” I speculated, tilting my head slightly, earning a frown.

“You think they want to kill the only detective who can connect police globally? Sounds like he was cherry picked for the job of catching Kira; I doubt they want him dead.” I shook my head.

“It’s fishy is all I’m saying.” I frowned, “They made a big deal about this guy’s presence, going as far as to give his whole name and face, and now they’re gonna piss Kira off with childish insults?” I shook my head, “Something is awry here; I can feel it in my gut.” Mono gave a thoughtful frown, but in the end said nothing, once again. Eventually, both of our attention was retaken by the man on the TV as he cried out in pain.

We both gasped as the man clutched at his chest, right over his heart, crying out further before finally collapsing onto the desk, unmoving. And with that, as it dawned upon us that the man was presumably dead, the smiles fell as we both realised how serious this was.

'Kira… you sadistic bastard!' I sweated.

He was dead, clearly, as two big men picked him up and removed him from the stage.

“How illegal is that?” I begged, eyes never leaving the screen as the corpse was removed. Mono shook his head, unable to speak as the pair of us felt shook.

“Is that it then…?” Eventually Mono begged, confused and unsettled. I shook my head.

“Who pulls a stunt like that? There has to be a reason. There has to be mor-”

My mouth froze, unable to finish as all attention focused back on the TV as the screen changed, showing a big, black, fancy ‘L’ letter. I didn’t know how to feel and that didn’t get any better as the new, edited voice began to reveal more information on the sight at hand, though not without some… praise?

“Unbelievable.” it began, shock still evident despite the software used to scramble the voice, “I had to check to be sure.”

‘Who the fuck-?’

“Who would have thought you could have done this?”

‘Fucking not me-!’

“Kira,” I gasped silently, the name sending shivers down my spine, a whole new level of meaning now having been assigned to it, “it seems you can kill people without direct contact. I couldn’t believe it without seeing it with my own eyes.”

“So he is real…” Mono muttered in disbelief, “But ho-?”

“Listen to me, Kira. If you just killed the man on-screen, Lind. L. Taylor, you just killed a man who was scheduled to be executed today. 

“It wasn’t me.” I gasped again, Mono looking towards me with an unreadable expression on his face. I couldn’t look away from the screen; I felt my eyes water.

‘I was right…!’

“This criminal is someone who the police caught secretly. His capture wasn’t broadcasted on television or the internet. It seems that even you couldn’t get information on him. 

“But I, L… do exist! So come on! Try and kill me!” I began to quake, shaking my head violently.

“Why?! Stop being an idiot, L!” I cried as his voice continued in the background. Mono immediately put his arm around me. 

“What’s wrong? 

“Do it quickly!” As he continued to taunt Kira, Mono went to turn off the TV, however I grabbed his hand and held it close to my chest, his other arm rubbing my arm.

“C’mon! Kill me! 

“Come on, Kira! Try and kill me!” I closed my eyes, unable to watch despite there being nothing on the screen. Images of the dead man flashed in my head as I waited for the disembodied voice to disappear, its owner killed by Kira.

“What’s the matter? Can’t you do it?” I gulped, my eyes widening as the silence never came. Immediately my head shot up as I watched the screen, unsure how to feel but anxious all the same.

‘Kira is real…!’ I thought, confused by his voice continuing, enough that I almost didn’t believe it. I ended up scooting forward towards the TV and out of Mono’s grasp.

“It seems that you can’t kill me. So there are some people that you can’t kill. You’ve given me a good clue. I’ll tell you something good in return.” I baulked, shaking my head.

“The name and face?” I begged, earning a confused look from Mono. I continued, not even noticing his questioning gaze, “They’re the only variables other than these people being direct criminals.” I thought aloud. Mono looked shocked, but was unable to respond before the TV interrupted him.

“I told you that this is a live broadcast worldwide, but this is only being broadcasted in the Kanto region of Japan. I was planning on broadcasting this in different areas at different times, but it seems that I no longer need to. Now I know that you are based in the Kanto region.” instinctively Mono’s hand came to his mouth as realisation dawned on him.

“He’s not just in Japan, but amongst us .” he muttered, concern etched into his tone. I couldn’t find my voice, too lost in my thoughts to be able to respond, the other half of my attention glued to the screen as I continued to listen.

“The first victim was the killer in Shinjuku. The police overlooked this case because it was so minor. Of all the criminals who died of heart attacks, this one’s crime was the least serious. Furthermore, his crime was only broadcast in Japan. 

“I have been able to deduce this much. You are in Japan and your first victim was your guinea pig. You’re just lucky that you’re in Kanto, the most heavily populated region in Japan.”  

“Yeah, for you.” I deadpanned under my breath. If Mono heard it, he didn’t make it obvious, his eyes, naturally, still glued to the TV screen. I couldn’t help but look down at the floor, a deep frown on my face as I contemplated the meaning as to what just happened.

“I never thought that things would go quite so well, but… Kira, it won’t be too long before I can sentence you to death.” I frowned.

“Isn’t that a bit hypocritical?” I begged quietly, earning a shake of the hand from Mono, meaning ‘sort of’, though he didn’t speak, waiting to hear the rest.  

“Kira, I’m interested in how you commit the murders. But… I’ll find that out when I catch you. 

“Until we meet again… Kira.”

Almost immediately the screen went to static and I felt my body slump, aching from the rigid posture I had unknowingly maintained throughout the broadcast.

“What the actual fuck…?” Mono begged, removing his glasses and wiping his face before running his fingers through his dark brown hair. I didn’t respond, continuing to stare at the same spot from earlier, still thinking. 

After a few minutes, Mono must have noticed my state as he gently placed his hand on my upper arm. I knew he was concerned, but before he could ask how I was, I spoke first in a firm voice.

“Kira can’t know this many people personally, but he can use the news and internet to his heart’s content, so there's nothing physical between him and these people, like needing personal or even biological items related to the victim…” I noted before biting my thumb as it squishes my bottom lip with each word, “L sounds like an alias; even if it’s in or related to his real name, it hardly offers many clues as to his identity; Kira wouldn’t have any chance to find anything out regarding either his face or name… or even age, details about the crime or blood type!” I gasped lightly, “After all, he had plenty of time to look up Lind. L. Taylor; who’s to say he couldn’t get more information on him from the internet?” I begged, though shook my head with a frown, “No, how could he get the blood type of every single criminal? That’s hardly knowledge generally published. And L said Lind. L. Taylor wasn’t published.” I sighed. Thinking further, my head snapping up at the screen before I violently turned to Mono, horror-struck realisation on my face, “So, does that mean that Kira needs someone’s name and face? His age and or other details regarding the individual’s crimes to kill them weren’t published; after all, it seems like they need to have enough details to be able to identify a specific individual?” I begged, earning a baffled look from Mono, “What if the police haven’t thought about that? It could be misleading the case if Kira did need those details!”

After a few moments Mono had visibly begun to truly contemplate my words, which was notable when he looked away with a deep frown. After a few more moments he nodded, head snapping back to mine as he looked me in the eyes with a determined look.

“If that’s even slightly possible, we need to inform the police.” I practically gulped at the thought, biting my lip as I contemplated the idea.

“How…?” I begged, frowning at the floor as I contemplated a way to contact the police, “Who’s to say they’d listen to us?” Mono nodded, hning in agreement.

“They’ll have phone, email and other means of contact, but you’re right; I don’t see how they would be effective.” I cocked a brow, confused, causing him to elaborate, “Even if they received the information, we have no means to make sure the details go through to the right people.” I blinked, nodding at his realisation. He continued.

“We could go there in person, but I imagine that seeing the individuals working on this case would be near impossible…” I frowned, shaking my head.

“The idea of going physically there scares me.” I shuddered, “It’s stupid, but I’m getting paranoid that Kira could be watching…” Mono frowned, though said nothing, appearing to be in thought. 

“You know, as soon as word of this exchange hits world-wide news, this is going to be even bigger than just this?” I blinked, looking up before sighing, eyes falling to my crossed legs.

“I know.” I scratched the back of my neck as my eyes darted to Mono’s, “When my mum hears she’s gonna flip; she’s already asked me to postpone my first year till the next.” I groaned, lying down, arms behind my head. Mono sighed.

“I doubt Kira will be over by this time next year.” he noted aloud, earning a nod.

“I know. And then she’ll ask me to postpone again and again until Kira is caught or the killings stop; that could be years.”

“Did you agree?” I shook my head. After a few moments I moved to lying onto my side, facing Mono.

“What would you do?” I begged, feeling slightly defeated. Mono didn’t seem shocked at my question, though I knew he might struggle to answer it, which is why I gave him as much time as he needed to do as such.

“It’s tricky.” he began after a few moments, tentatively, “Emotionally you want to make your mum feel better, but realistically you can’t put your life on hold because of someone killing criminals .” he scratched the back of his neck as he exhaled before adding, “I mean, it’s not like you’ve ever been arrested or accused of a crime; you’re literally the least likely to be targeted by Kira.” 

“Hn.” I nodded before adding, “Plus it’s not like I’ll escape the Kira killings by going back to the UK - or anywhere else, for that matter; Kira is killing any and all known criminals regardless of their physical location or location of their crime.” Mono nodded.

“Exactly.” I sighed, going back onto my back as I sprawled my limbs out like a starfish.

“That’s my thoughts exactly. Besides,” I bit my lip, “it would be a superficial and temporary relief she’d experience. And we would start to argue again if I moved back with her.” I shook my head, “I’m not playing that game again.” Mono nodded.

“I remember…” he added, the memory clear in his mind. After a moment or two, he snickered, earning a confused look from myself, enough that I sat up slightly. He chuckled, “Why else would you call me up and start planning to move to Japan with me , of all people, huh?” I laughed loudly, falling back onto my back and grabbing my legs.

“What’s wrong with moving to a strange country to study with your general from hell, huh?” I teased, “We live next door to one another; how scandalous!” I mock gasped, hand over my mouth, earning a laugh from Mono.

“Look at you! You’re shoulders! They’re bare in my presence!” he cried, hand on chest as he mocked outrage, “What are you? A common wench?!” I snorted with each gasp of laughter, enough to set Mono off. It would have taken a good few minutes before I could control the snorts, though it was prolonged by Mono continuing to make me laugh so he could mock me for sounding like a pig.

Regardless, I relished this small moment of happiness with my friend, knowing it was a moment away from the horrid reality we had just witnessed, on the TV no less. It was even more important given we both knew that we would have to have a more serious conversation regarding what we might have figured out.

‘Yes.’ I smiled internally, ‘These are the moments I live for now.’

Chapter Text

- December 20 -

“Y’know I can come with you, right?” I blinked, looking up from my yoghurt pot to meet the gaze of Mono with a ‘huh’ as he prepared some tea for himself. He clearly refrained from rolling his eyes at my clueless expression, but continued, “To the university.” he clarified, filling me with realisation, an ‘o’ shape forming on my lips. 

“It’s fine, I know you have a lot of studying to do.” I shrugged, letting out a puff of air, “Besides, how hard can it be? I’ve used buses before.” He quirked a brow.

“Oh? How bold of you.” I laughed.

“Yeah, new meds for the win~” I gave some finger guns, earning a snort. He appeared to be in thought, though it didn’t last long as I heard him exhale sharply before moving his hair out of his eyes.

“Alright,” he agreed, “but if you get stuck at all don’t go anywhere and call me, yeah?” I quirked a sigh, a sweat drop forming.

“Ne, you trust me so little, Mono?” he said nothing, simply patting me on the head and messing up my hair. Immediately I hissed, slapping him away as I attempted to rectify the mess he made. There was a definite smug, amused expression playing on his features as I threw several fragrant curse words his way before groaning and giving up, knowing I’d need to brush it in order to fix it.

“You suuuuuuck !” I cried, standing up and running to the mirror and grabbing my hair brush, “Why you play me like thiiiiiiis ?!” I cried with mock tears, only to hear his laughter following me out the room. It was then I checked the time and sighed, deflating slightly.

As soon as I had fixed my hair, I made my way back to the kitchen and binned my yoghurt and put the spoon in the sink before grabbing my coat, scarf and bag, sulking the entire time. Mono watched me with a bemused look directed at my misery, before he realised I needed to leave. He gave a light chuckle, shaking his head, before saying goodbye after following me out of the flat and retreating next door to his own. 

“You know where I am!” he noted as I put my keys away and turned to leave. I felt a smile play on my lips as I turned and waved goodbye, before finally putting my headphones on and making my way to the bus stop outside our flats.

‘Right, according to this I need to take the 174 Bus that ends at Spaceworld…’ I pouted.

“Man, I wish I could go to the theme park instead…’ I muttered as I double checked the bus schedule, taking a seat once I made it to the bus stop. I contemplated my journey for a moment before frowning in thought.

“Maybe I should go to the police station and try to give them my thoughts personally?’ I hummed, tapping my thighs with my hands, ‘After all, I never was able to get through to them by email or phone… This is probably the next best thing.’

And with that, I had concluded my next move, looking up the bus to get to the police station from the university and saved the information. 

‘Back to boredom.’ I noted, holding my phone in my lap as I looked around at the traffic and various people walking around the street, ‘ Definitely wish I could go to the theme park, instead, now…’ I pouted, leaning back slightly, exhaling, ‘After all I’ll probably be at the school for a few hours…’

After a few moments of further boredom, I gave in and began to look up the theme park on my phone, though I was interrupted by the bus arriving. I waited for a few people to get off, letting an elderly couple get on themselves, before getting on myself. I smiled at the driver, showing my disabled bus pass, before regaining his attention before I went and sat down.

“Hi, sorry,” I smiled, “could I just confirm you stop off just before Tokyo university?” the bus driver gave a small, polite smile and a curt nod, “It’s not for about twenty minutes; if you want, I’ll make sure to call it out?” I sighed in relief before profusely thanking the man, even bowing my head in respect, which was enough to shock him, though most likely because I’m noticeably not of Japanese descent.

“That would be amazing, thank you.” though he was surprised, he seemed to give a genuine, warm smile at my words.

“Not a problem, miss.” and with that I gave a small wave as I made my way to near the back of the bus. However I paused for a moment when I noticed a giant - and I mean tall as fuck - demon-like creature casually flying in the back of the bus with some weird rows of numbers and the name ‘Ryuk’ floating around him in a trippy kind of shape. I paused when I also noted a name and numbers floating around someone in the back from the corner of my eyes but didn’t bother to look as my attention was drawn to the creature.

Snapping to attention I quickly continued forward and took my usual spot - the first set of raised seats, on the right side of the bus. Though I gave polite, apologetic, smiles to those I passed, usually earning them back, I paid little attention to the people around me, though I quickly took off my coat thanks to the temperature of the bus. Naturally, I immediately went onto my phone once my butt hit the seat, feigning interest as my mind started to whirl.

‘Why do I see these things anymore…?’ I begged, worried, ‘The meds are working, and yet occasionally I still see monsters that don’t seem to even realise I’m there. That doesn’t fit in with my disorders; schizophrenia usually causes tormation. 

‘Yet he’s just standing there doing nothing.’ I took a small, unnoticable peak and almost snorted at his expression, ‘If I didn’t know any better I’d say that he was bored just being there.

‘Certainly not frightening like what I’ve seen before!’  

I sighed, body calming down as I turned back and actually looked at my phone, which regained my attention as I stopped caring about the hallucination, otherwise unphased by it.

‘Not my first rodeo.’ I sighed sadly before flicking through my phone aimlessly. However my eyes sparked as a small grin made its way onto my face as I scrolled through all of the rides on offer at the part, glee taking over the panic rather quickly.

‘Oh man! These look so cool!’ I gleamed, ‘I’ve loved rides since I was a young child.’ I hummed to myself, ‘In fact, I don’t think I ever haven’t enjoyed theme parks, carnivals and fairgrounds…’

After a few moments I nodded to myself as I smiled down at it. With a few clicks and holds on the screen, I sent the link to the theme park to Mono with a winking, kissing face. Of course, I wasn’t shocked by him sending me back a vomiting emoji; in fact, it made me laugh a little louder than I meant to - enough for me to look around with a small, apologetic smile ready just in case.

Eventually I started playing my music again and otherwise put my phone away. As I stared out of the window absentmindedly, I made sure to stay alert enough to recognise certain landmarks at each stop for the future journeys I’d have to take. Naturally, as the bus slowed for the oncoming man signalling for the bus, I sighed, noting nothing particularly bold or obvious to remind me of this particular stop.  

Well, that’s what I thought ; when I said, ‘landmark’, I wasn’t expecting it to be the man who made his presence known after the bus had started to move again.

“I’m taking control of this bus!” I blinked, looking up sharply as I heard loud outcries of fear from passengers. Immediately I removed my headphones and paused my music, though I froze when I saw the gun cocked at the bus driver.

“Don’t make a fuss! I’ll kill anyone that moves.” he immediately turned back to the driver, “Driver, you know the phone number for Spaceland’s offices, don’t you? Call them!”

“Y-yes!” the driver grabs the phone to his left before bringing it to his ear, “This is Sasaki, the driver of bus number 174!” the driver jumps as the man suddenly yells, again.

“Tell them what’s happening!”

“A-a man with a gun has bus-jacked us!”

“Give me that!” the criminal cried, yanking the phone away from the driver, gun never leaving the driver’s forehead as he began to speak into the phone, “You hear that? Listen carefully.” I jumped as the gun was directed towards us, the passengers.

“Bring Spaceland’s profits from yesterday to two bus stops away from there. Have a woman bring it by car, alone! Do it before the bus gets there! If you try anything funny… or call the police, I’ll kill the passengers one by one!” I clenched my hands, tightly, biting my lip as I felt my blood turn to ice, only jumping when he yanked the phone cord and smashed the phone onto the ground, crushing it with his feet.

I couldn’t even look around the bus as I heard the faintest of whispers coming from my left. I was completely stuck solid in my position, trying my best not to tear up in fear, my eyes glued to the gun that the man kept waving about. He seemed paranoid, as if any sudden movement would cause him to shoot. 

Taking a deep breath, I calmed myself as much as I could.

‘I need to think; this isn’t the time to choke!’

“...won’t ask why an FBI agent is on the bus with us…” I gasped silently, fists clenching even tighter than before as I paused, “... happens, I can rely on you, right?” At that point, all I could hear was my heartbeat, barely hearing the words the criminal cried as he shoved his gun towards the elderly couple just a few seats in front of me, “Shut up! Do you want to die?”

‘If an FBI agent is on the bus, was this planned? To lure Kira out?’ I shook my head, looking down at my lap, fists tightening again, pain unfelt as adrenaline pumped my heart at about 130 beats per minute, a feeling both extremely familiar and unwelcomed, ‘Surely not, though after that stunt over the news, I don’t know what to believe anymore…’ I sighed, eyes darting back to the criminal, who appeared just as shaky as before as he continued to yell at the elderly couple, before looking back at my lap, ‘Regardless of that, Kira doesn’t seem to be playing ball. The more pertinent question right now is, does he have a gun? Given what that man said, he might be able to take him down, but without causing any injury or casualty? That i'm not sure about…’

“Oh!” I jumped, figure frozen as my eyes darted to the ground, only able to make out a man’s hand reaching out to grab some paper he must have dropped. I immediately froze as the criminal noticed and sharply made his way to the back of the bus, the gun getting very close, cursing internally.

‘Fuck! What if it mentions their plan?!’ I gulped, ‘Will he kill them?’

“Hey, you! Don’t move!” the gun was immediately pointed at the man, my eyes glued to it as it swayed with each step, adjusting to his movements and remaining cocked at the man, “What’s that piece of paper?!” I gulped, physically shaking as I felt his arm gently brush against my own as he passed. I forced my eyes closed, attempting to calm my breathing by forcing myself to breathe with my diaphragm whilst counting. I could just barely make out the conversation, and only because his voice was quite loud, nearby and everyone else was silent.

“Hey, you! You were planning something back here with notes, weren’t you?!”

I gulped, hearing the rustling behind me, suggesting he had the paper in his greasy hands.

“Heh, plans for a date, eh? How stupid.” I immediately jumped as I caught his hand movement, the paper smacking the man in the face. As the man turned around with a laugh and passed me for the second time, I, once again, shuddered, jumping slightly at the immediate contact.

After a few moments I heard the man gasp in shock and looked up, both worried and confused. He began to stagger backwards, as he appeared to be seemingly attempting to escape an unseen force. I followed his gaze, confused, but unshocked, to see the tall, gothic, flying creature, before looking back to his form and then the gun with panic as the man pointed it directly towards us at the back.

‘I thought that was a hallucination!’ I cursed, looking around with a deep, confused frown, ‘... No one else recognises it at all , so it must be!

‘Does he see the hallucination, too…?!’ I shook my head, ‘No… a coincidence!’

“Who the hell are you?!” he cried, eyes wide.

‘Me?!’ I panicked, only to realise the gun was aligned towards my left and at the empty seats right at the back. I gulped, recognising the situation all too well.

‘If he’s hallucinating like I think he is, seeing something like I do, then he’s gonna shoot it with that gun…’ I panicked, trying to figure out what to do, thoughts scrambled as the man continued to yell at the air.

“You, in the back!” Everyone looked back, slowly as to not risk being noticed in his crazed state. Despite knowing he wasn’t referring to me, my heart jumped when the gun aimed a bit too close to me for my taste once again, his hands beginning to shake profusely, “What are you trying to pull?!” 

As people’s expressions started to shift from complete terror to bemusement, the man continued to yell loudly, gun still very much raised, albeit still shaking violently in his grasp.

“How long were you hiding back there?!”

“What’s this?” I blinked, blood freezing to ice when I heard the creature talk, hairs on the back of my neck raising, “You’re talking to me ?” it begged. I gulped as I looked back at him with a sweat.

‘I take it back. He’s a bit spooky…’ I acknowledged before eying the random movements of the guys’ gun as the creature stepped forward a bit, ‘But that is scarier!’

“So you mean you can actually see me right now?” I blinked, neck snapping back at the creature, unable to form thoughts until my attention was taken over by the guy with the gun once again, who backed up and cried out, “Don’t move!” before cocking his gun, causing people to tremor and duck slightly as his second hand went to the gun, steadying it slightly, “I’ll shoot! You monster!” I gasped at this, realising he could see what I saw. 

This was baffling.

“Everyone get down!” someone to my left yelled. Although many cried out in terror everyone ducked down in their seats without any question or hesitation, still crying and screaming, enough to make it hard to hear what the creature was stating.

I noted that the man continued to cower, slowly stepping backwards as, presumably, the hallucination advanced on him. My ears filled with my heartbeat, the cries of those around me and the gunman who got more and more irate and unpredictable as the creature continued to advance, me only being able to make out, “... get it… accidentally… torn… death note itself… tricked this guy… see me… so smart.” , which made me curse.

“Don’t come near me!” he practically yelped before beginning to shoot towards the back of the bus. Over and over again. 

I couldn’t hear or feel anything. My hands in fists flew over my head, my arms my only protection from the random directions the bullets took, many of which ricochet in my direction. 

For a minute I thought I was deaf. I prayed that it was just the blood in my ears, the continuing sounds from the gun or both. 

‘I don’t want that to be the last thing I hear…!’

I barely registered the glass from my window shattering all over me, surely causing damage to my thin turtleneck. All I could hear was a drowned out thumping and a high pitched continuous note. I wanted to open my eyes, but I just couldn’t; I was too scared.

‘I’m going to die…’ I began to cry, only to snarl in realisation, ‘and by some psychotic asshole who just wants to make a quick buck!’ I shook my head, sure that my ears were bleeding.

That was, until everything stopped. 

I suddenly felt relaxed and free, almost. Enough that I was able to take several calming breaths before releasing my arms from my head, though I felt unable to unclench my hands. I noticed the bullets had stopped and I looked up, woozy and unsure about what I was seeing exactly. However, I could make out that the man, though still pulling the trigger, was no longer producing bullets.

‘He’s run out…’ I gave a quiet laugh of relief, though for some reason I began to cry profusely, though there was no sniffling or wheezing. Just a flow of tears - whether it was of relief or fear I wasn’t sure. But they were there and no matter what I did I couldn’t stop them.

I couldn’t think any more. I wasn’t even in my own head anymore as I passively watched the man run away towards the driver, a man following after him in pursuit, presumably the FBI agent. 

It was as though it was a movie screen, a silent one. My eyes and body had become a projector, and I was one of the paid customers in the cinema, only this cinema was much more exclusive and elite. 

I smiled, feeling the presence of my other personalities, all sitting around me and watching just like I did, some silent, others chatting amongst themselves. I didn’t feel so alone, especially as I felt LJ’s hand on my shoulder.

“It’ll be over soon.” I cried, nodding with relief, watching with him by my side and the others surrounding me. 

I felt home.

“Stop the bus and open the door!” I barely comprehended the words before I shot forward, smacking my head on the chair in front of me hard enough in my head and face to cause a warm trickling sensation to flow from my nose and drip down my lips and chin. 

‘It feels nice… and warm .’ I hummed, though I found myself frowning lightly as my dazed eyes focused on the panicked man as he launched himself out of the bus’ doors and into direct traffic.

My hearing, though was slowly coming back, wasn’t good enough to hear the crash. It truly was like a still as the car crashed violently into the man, sending him rolling.

I watched the scene with a smile, unable to control myself as I began to laugh lightly, though the tears continued to trickle without restraint. 

The man wasn’t just dead, but filleted. His bones visibly crunched from the sheer velocity of the car, blood pooling and squirting out like a strawberry compote in a dessert - one that has met its end thanks to a spoon. 

As soon as he landed, there were noticeable splats on the concrete that followed him, crude in shape. 

“Almost like a child’s first painting.” I heard a ‘tut’, the first sound I had heard since LJ spoke to me, “Though he is mangled, it’s almost as though there was an art to it. He has become something beautiful in the most horrific of ways…” I blinked, though slowly as time slowed down for a few moments.

‘Ah.’ I realised, ‘There you are, SAM… 

‘You’ve waited for this very moment, haven’t you? To take over my body. To wreak havoc?’

I paused for a moment, watching the screen carefully before looking around the cinema with a deep frown, confused.

‘Wait.’ I paused, ‘That isn’t SAM who’s taken control…’ I blinked, noting that SAM’s presence was very much still in this room we all shared. I sighed, realising dawning on me.

‘There’s another one… A new one.’ I quivered slightly at the thought before praying, ‘Please, don’t be like SAM. I haven’t the strength to lock you up, too…’

I wasn’t sure how much more time had passed. I’m not even sure I wanted to know. But either way, eventually, I felt someone touch me, the first sensation I had felt since before the gunman had paid us a visit.

“Miss-? Oh god, you’re bleeding!”

From the corner of my eye, I could just about make out someone saying something to me. I couldn’t really hear him for the ringing in my ears, but I knew he was concerned. He looked like an ordinary man, presumably another passenger.

“Miss! Are you okay?!” 

I twitched, just about hearing a mumble or a whisper, though I couldn’t make out the words. I twitched again, a small but noticeable frown playing on my features as I strained to listen.

“Miss?!” I could just about make it out, but my damned body wouldn’t respond. It was then another man rushed over, whom I recognised as the driver, who also began to try and get my attention. He snapped his fingers in my face, but of course it made no difference.

‘I’ve lost control…’  

As his hand remained on my shoulder, I made out further movement, which belonged to another two men. I could only tell that they were with the ambulance that was presumably called, thanks to their uniforms. Despite their arrival, the bus driver and the unknown man, who had black hair and blue eyes and wore a nice suit, stayed with me. However the bus driver only gasped as he attempted to take my still-clenched hand. The other man, too, gasped when his attention was drawn by the bus driver.

I was puzzled by the noise he made, enough that I managed to force my eyes to look down. Had I had the control, I would have gasped at the mess I had created.

There my nails were, dug so deep into my hands that they were starting to numb, blood having soaked through my skirt and tights, sticking the fabric to my legs; it had even started to drip onto the floor, though I quickly noted it wasn’t just coming from my palms. 

Despite the existing bandages on my arms for preexisting wounds, they did little to protect my skin from both the shattered glass and bullets. In fact, several shards were sticking out of the back of my hands, upper and lower arms and a few here and there on the unprotected areas of my legs. They looked like superficial wounds from what I could see, but I knew better than that given the size of the glass shards.

It dawned on me that, hadn’t I protected myself with my arms, those shards could have caused serious injuries to her neck and possibly even my spinal cord.

‘I was in prime position, hunched over like that, for such an injury…’ I felt more tears escape, ‘If it wasn’t the gun, it was what the gun left behind…’

It was at that point I began to feel the pain from my injuries, which left me feeling further dazed and confused, particularly as one of the paramedics attempted to take a further look at my upper arms, close to my shoulders. It was at that point the paramedic brought to my attention several bullet wounds along both my left and right arms and shoulders, albeit all bar two being fleshwounds, having grazed my skin along their trajectory, some leaving odd markings I could only assume is debris or stippling from the gun. 

From what I could tell, one bullet had made its way through the excess tissue that connects my left shoulder and upper arm, as there was a gaping hole of sorts; it looked like I had been hit from the front. However, the more problematic one I can feel got me from the back and is still in my shoulder area, near the first perforated wound.

As the pain rolled in, I began to struggle to stay responsive, both blacking out and dissociating through the journey from my seat to the ambulance and then to the hospital. Almost immediately I was put on painkillers and whatever they were were strong enough to knock me out for a while. All I could remember was the bus driver’s warm touch and the concerned gaze of the strange businessman.

I don’t remember waking up. It was like there were short pictures thrown on the projector and then suddenly I was back in my body with the snap of a finger. 

I tried to think back to what had just happened, realising quite quickly I was in hospital. I felt uneasy, caused by a range of genuinely scary things, such as being almost completely unsure how I got here, to the most insignificant, such as how many other people are in this hospital room with me, given there were curtains surrounding my own bed.

‘Either way, I at least don’t need to worry about being admitted, unlike last time.’ I sighed, staring up at the plain white ceiling.

‘This ceiling isn’t like my ceiling…’ I noted, ‘Even it is as bright and clinical as the rest of this place…’  

I had to stop looking at it through fear of going insane. Instead, I looked forward and focused on the greenish curtains that had lots of kanji covering it, telling people to ask before coming in and stuff. 

‘I was on a bus…’ I noted with a gentle nod, though even that made my head pound, and hard enough to make me cringe. Only once it had calmed down did I then continue my thought process, ‘There was a man…’ I frowned, ‘with a gun-? Ah.’ I realised, ‘Yes. He shot near me.’

“What about after that, though…?” I thought aloud, jaw aching and voice scratchy from lack of use.

‘I vaguely remember the bus driver watching over me… and that other passenger in the suit.’ I gave a faint smile, ‘I wish I could thank them. They were so kind to me.’ I frowned lightly, ‘I wonder if either of them have a niece, daughter or sister I made them think of?’ I sighed, sadly.

“Man I feel bad, making them worry like that…” I muttered, before realising where I was - a hospital .

“Oh thank God I have National Health Insurance…” I sighed before looking down at my hands. It was then I blinked, confused as I saw my nails had been cut right down. I gave a loud exhale and relaxed.

“Oh yeah…” I mumbled, “That happened. Fucking idiot…” I cursed myself.

After a few moments of absolutely nothing I began to look over my wounds further, slowly realising glass and bullets were flying everywhere, and that’s why my upper limbs were plastered with bandages, stitches and strips as well as, surprisingly, staples and glue, much to my surprise.

‘Huh haven’t had those done before.’ I noted. 

I was surprised, however, to note two new bandages on my left leg, presumably from the glass or possibly grazed bullets - I wasn’t sure - as well as one big one on my neck that seemed to be supporting some gauze from the back of my neck and to the left of my neck. I also discovered some wounds going down my shoulders and spine, presumably from the glass, since they were minor and most were either left alone or had a simple plaster on them. 

Puzzled, I turned to my left and attempted to feel my neck, only to cringe and retreat my hand immediately. I gulped.

‘What the fuck happened there?’

“Hello!”

“Holy shit on a cactus!” I cried in English, not expecting someone to just pop in from my right as I was examining myself, only to curse loudly and whine in pain, all of my wounds complaining at the sudden movement. The nurse put her arms out, trying to calm me down whilst apologising profusely.

“Please try not to move so swiftly!” I simply groaned in response, only to blink at the sudden woozy feeling as the pain receded. It was then I noted she had played around with the medicine device connected to my cannula. 

‘Is it dose-o’clock?’

“I just came to check on you and make sure you got your dosage of morphine.” she chimed as she finished with the device, “How are you feeling?” she begged. I let out a puff of air as I relaxed, feeling significantly better. 

‘Man it’s been ages since I felt this kinda high…’ I chimed, ‘Then again, bipolar mania isn’t quite the same as this. This is sooooothing and caaaalm as fuuuck.’

“I feel zeeeen, my dude~” I chimed, gently wiggling my arms. The woman seemed more concerned than amused at my reaction, enough that she double checked the dosage. 

“Relax my dude~” I chimed, noticing her worry, “I’m ASD, remember? I have a… a thing !” I shoved my medical bracelet in her face, roughly, “It says it there!” I chimed with a happy grin, although I ended up squinting my eyes; it was hard to keep them open since I felt so soft, like my body was made of jelly.

“What does that have to do with your response to medication?” the woman begged, confused. I tutted, wiggling my finger in the air in front of me. As my eyes were closed, it wasn’t directly in front of her, though I didn’t notice this.

“Autism, especially in girls, usually makes us suuuuper sensitive to medications, enough so we sometimes need a lower dosage.” I slurred before slapping myself in the face with realisation, making the nurse cringe, “Also quetiapine. Same problem but especially with opioids…” I began to relax slightly, snuggling into the pillows, “But it’s all good! I’m not sick or dying from the dose and am having a great time~” 

There was some dribble going down my cheeks at that point, and all I remember was that I attempted to wipe it away. What happened next, however, I don’t remember; I’m sure that I blacked out once again, though from the opioid this time. All I knew was that the sun was starting to set and I was feeling pretty shit, bored and wanted to go home. 

Looking down at my cannula I sighed.

“At least they gave me opioids instead of NSAIDs.” I sighed, leaning my head back before muttering, “Don’t need dyspnea to be added to the list of symptoms…”

Unsure what to do, I considered getting up, but then realised that, although that was a bad idea for obvious reasons, the real issue is the nurses and or doctors who would chastise me. After a few minutes I remembered that these beds usually have some kind of call button and immediately began to look for it. As soon as I did, I pressed it and ended up waiting for no more than a minute or two before the same nurse came in to see me. I smiled.

“Can I leave yet?” I begged. The woman gave an apologetic smile and shook her head.

“Sorry but we’re waiting for a physical therapist to be available to evaluate you before you can leave.” I pouted.

“But I can walk and move my arms; I’m golden.” the woman sequeled as I began to flail my arms around, gently grabbing them and putting them down back on my lap.

“That’s just the pain medication-”

“Who cares.” I rolled my eyes, “So I have a few more wounds that require attention than I did before. I can live with that, just like I have for the past three weeks.” the nurse had a notably sad look on her face, nodding in understanding of my point.

“I’ll get a doctor to examine you and see what we can do.” she sighed. Before she left I asked if I could have my phone as I needed to contact my friend. 

“We called your emergency contact. It’s Maximus Charles, right?” I blinked, nodding, which she returned before continuing, “He was contacted when you came in and has been here since a few hours ago. As far as I’m aware, he just went to the toilet and will be back soon. Do you want me to bring him in?” I nodded.

“Please. And thank you, I really appreciate you trying to find a doctor; I know you’re all very busy.” the nurse smiled, bowling lightly, before retreating past the curtain and disappearing. 

‘Alone again…’ my smile dropped, too tired to maintain the charade, ‘Feels like I’m in my own little world, here in this bed with the curtains up…’

My head snapped to my left as Mono was led in by the nurse. I couldn’t help but smile at him, despite the concern and panic etched into his features. I immediately frowned, noting how exhausted he looked.

‘He will have had to finish work before he could come to see me…’ I remembered, ‘That’s his only means of support other than student loans; he would have been fired if he left.’

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t come sooner!” he cried immediately, taking in all the bandages with worry. I shrugged.

“No worries. I’d rather you kept your job than come to see me knocked out from morphine.” I winked, earning a deep, tired sigh.

“Idiot.” he shook his head, “I’ve been really worried.” he mumbled. I blinked, realising how serious he was, before resting my hand on his.

“Sorry.” I looked down at our hands, “With any luck I'll be able to leave soon.” Mono nodded, turning his hand over so that mine was in his palm, closing his own slightly, but not enough to be completely touching my hand. I gave a very quiet snort.

‘Treating me like a delicate doll… He really cares.’

“Let’s hope so.” he nodded before adding, “And don’t apologise. You didn’t make him shoot you.” I chuckled, nodding.

“Hey.” I thought aloud, “Think I’ll get the bullet as a souvenir?” Mono blinked before chuckling deeply.

“You still on morphine?” I snorted.

“I wish. They adjusted my dosage.” I booed. Mono laughed at that before grinning at me for a minute. After he said nothing I gave a deep sigh and rolled my eyes.

“What is it?”

“Look at you, all hardcore!” he chimed, “You get to tell people you were shot and lived to tell the tale. Even I haven't been shot on the job jet!” I snorted, chuckling a little afterwards.

'Hm, 'yet'...'

“Yeah, the tale of how I cowered in fear as a mad man shot at his hallucination.” I rolled my eyes, “Such a super fun story.” Mono flinched at the bluntness, but recovered quickly.

“Well obviously you have to spice it up a bit. Maybe you fought him with your martial arts skills-” he made mock slicing and punching motions as he continued his story, “-and wrestled the gun from his hands, saving the person -” he raised a finger, “- not hallucination - that he was pointing the gun at!” Mono made finger guns and as he shot them he made small, ‘pew’ noises. I snorted at his synopsis, merely nodding and raising my pinkie.

“I promise that I’ll tell a different story each time I’m asked or it’s brought up, how about that?” I wiggled my brows, earning a laugh and a nod as he hooked his pinkie with mine.

“I’ll hold you to that promise, Ai.” I chuckled, nodding.

“Naturally.” I chimed, “I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, my good man~”

Eventually the doctor came to see me and, after some further assessment, I was considered stable enough to leave, though he admitted that if I hadn’t had Mono with me, he would have kept me overnight just for the concussion alone. We thanked him and packed up before collecting my things from the front desk and getting my prescription that the doctor gave me. It was for some antibiotics, ointment and bandages/dressings as well as some tramadol, the latter of which he prescribed instead of oxycodone due to me having experience with tramadol to manage my chronic pain when it's particularly bad. Mono had, fortunately, brought me new clothing, giving mine wasn’t wearable anymore, and we left, my dirty and torn clothing in a bag to my side, which made people shift away from us on the bus when we entered.

I wasn’t shocked by this, nor their continuing stares. At this point I was used to it and simply put my headphones on and stared out of the window. 

However, I struggled to forget what had happened to me - what felt like had literally just happened to me, given I’ve been asleep or out of it for the past several hours. Every time the bus stopped I felt fear engulf me as I scrutinised the oncoming people, searching for a gun. Once a man of a similar build came on with an umbrella and I fell back into my seat, thinking it was a gun. 

I could tell Mono was worried, but he said nothing, only reminding me with small movements that he was here and that it was okay. 

I was really grateful for that.

Regardless, I felt significant relief as I exited the bus with a deep breath and stared up at our block of flats, something I was sure Mono recognised.

As we made our way to our flats, we made small talk.

“Man, I can’t believe the bullet is still in… there .” I made a circular motion at my shoulder, earning a nod as Mono opened my flat door, my hands being almost completely useless due to the stitches and glue.

“I know, me neither!” he chimed, nodding for me to going in first, which I did. 

“Good thing it isn’t steel, given how many MRIs I’ve had and will probably have in the future…” I thought aloud, earning a ‘hn’ in agreement.

Taking another deep breath, I sighed before going straight to the bath in the bathroom, intending to soak my blood-drenched skirt and leggings in warm water. Immediately Mono scowled, taking the items and dumping them in the bin along with my ruined turtleneck.

“Hey!” I cried, “I like that skirt! And I can’t buy those leggings here!” Mono rolled his eyes.

“Ask your mum to post you some, and that skirt is ruined by the blood. Besides, you have stitches and bandages; you can’t put them in contaminated water.” I pouted before eventually sighing and giving in, knowing he was right.  

“Fine…” I pouted, going straight to the kitchin and searching for food. Eventually I settled on cheerios and made a huge bowl - big enough to make Mono raise a brow as he followed me around, which I ignored, knowing he’d mention it regardless of my response.

“You trying to feed an army?” I snorted.

“Yep.” I chimed, “Got my own army, right here .” I pointed to my head with a smug snicker, earning a chuckle and an eye roll.

“I guess you got me there.” he muttered before leaning against the door frame. He seemed to be thinking, but as I came closer he moved, allowing me to go to the living room and sit on the couch. He continued to hover over me instead of sit down, which was then I realised that something was clearly playing on his mind. I refrained from sighing.

“What’s up?” I begged, not bothering to look at him as I started to munch on my cereal and search for something I felt like watching on the SmartTV. I heard a deep sigh, noting that he had finally taken a seat on the sofa’s armrest, but continued to face me.

“Are you okay?” he finally asked. I blinked, looking back at him for a minute as I thought, before looking back at the TV, settling on watching Bottom, my comfort show that I knew better than the back of my hand-

‘-especially at the moment, with what my hand must look like under all these bandages…’

“Yeah.” I nodded, lying, “I’m good.” he glared at me, scrutinising my every move for a few moments before sighing.

“You know I’m here if you need me.” I wanted to interrupt him and tell him to drop it, but he knows me; if I did that, it would be plain as day that I was far from okay and he’d stay here until I gave in and spilled my thoughts. Instead I forced myself to look his way and give a warm smile.

“I know.” I nodded, “Thanks, Mono. I really appreciate it.” 

My tone and body language must have been acceptable enough as he dropped the conversation. However, he concluded he was going to stay on the couch in my flat tonight, just to make sure I was fine. I tried to argue it, but I ended up having to give in as he wouldn’t budge and I was fucking exhausted .

As soon as I closed the door, everything troubling me since I woke up rose to the surface. I leant my back against the door and closed my eyes, head lent back till it, too, rested on the door, gently, as to prevent another nausea inducing headache. With a big breath I rose back onto my own two feet and began to change.

“So, who’s the new guy then?” I begged aloud, albeit quietly, not wanting Mono to overhear, “Any takers?”

When a few moments passed, unanswered, I sighed, shaking my head as I undressed, preparing myself for bed.

“I know you are here and exist.” I noted aloud, removing my trousers delicately, “We might as well get the meet and greet over.” I cringed as I felt my stitches pull slightly, causing me to slow my movements, the slight pain surely wavering my voice, “There’s no need to be shy.”

Again, nothing. 

Sighing I finished getting dressed, which took a few minutes, before grabbing what I needed to tend to all of my wounds for the night. 

‘If they want to wait, I won’t pressure them…’ I figured, mentally shrugging.

Once I had collected everything, I put it all on my bed before sitting down on it. As I was about to start peeling off the pre-existing bandages and dressings, however, I suddenly felt him with me. 

I smiled.

“Nice to finally meet you.” I noted aloud, looking up and around the room before settling back on my legs as I continued to remove the bandages and treat my wounds, as slowly and delicately as I was physically capable.

Of course, he wasn’t visible to my eyes in reality, or would be to anyone else's, for that matter. He’s not physical, though he is real. 

Despite this, I instantly knew what he looked like. I could almost see him. More in my head than anything else.

‘Sometimes to help with the imagery, I project what I see in my head to my eyes.’ I hummed, ‘It’s not real, but helps me communicate with my other personalities or audio hallucinations more easily, though usually I don’t necessarily have an actual appearance for the audio hallucinations unless I’ve also have visual ones with them in it.’

“So, what’s your name?” I begged, looking back up with a small smile.

The boy looked unsure of himself for a few moments, almost as though he was trying to think of what to say, or at least to collect himself. It was then that I really took his appearance in, properly with a raised brow.

‘Ash-like dark grey/black hair, silver eyes, and fairly broad and tall - a good eight or so inches taller than me…’ I hummed, ‘He can’t be any older than sixteen, though I still could see him getting served at a bar, even here or in America.’

“... Tormund.” I blinked, noting his voice to be fairly deep and lulling.

‘He has a certain charm about him.’ I nodded towards him, acknowledging his words, ‘Then again, not many of my personalities don’t, so I can’t say I’m surprised at all.’

“Is Tor cool?” I begged, flashing a quick closed-eyed smile. He was clearly studying me, though he eventually nodded, albeit slowly. I almost sweat dropped.

‘Either he’s not very good at hiding what he’s thinking or feeling, or he’s put a mask on…’

“I’m used to this.” I answered, despite him not asking the question clearly on his mind, “I’m sure you’re already aware you aren’t the first and, if I’m honest with you, I doubt you’ll be the last.” I gave a sad look as I replaced the bandage on my legs before moving over to my arms, “We’re going to be stuck together for the rest of our lives,” I added, eyes darting to his for a moment, “so I might as well be casual about our introduction.” After a few moments of the man staring, clearly in deep thought, I heard a sigh before feeling him move opposite me, pausing before my desk and taking the seat, our eyes never parting.

“I suppose that makes sense…” he noted quietly. I gave a swift nod before pausing my work and sitting up right. 

“Good.” I noted before getting straight to the point, “So, what happened?” I begged. The boy frowned, though we both knew what I was really asking, which was proven when he finally gave me an answer.

“You needed someone who would protect you.” he noted, “But I didn’t have quite enough control in time…” he sighed. I raised a brow.

“And what would you have done if you had ?” I begged. He snickered.

“I’d have fucking killed him.” I blinked, a bored look playing on my features at his sickening smirk. I rolled my eyes, though I still felt an amused smirk play on my lips.

“Yeah, with this febil body? I fucking doubt it.” I snorted, earning a chuckle in return. I couldn’t help but smile at the natural-feeling banter.

“You know that’s what I’m here for, right?” he suddenly spoke up. I hummed, nodding.

“Makes sense.” I added, “So what are you? A sociopath?” I joked. Tor snickered, but didn’t answer - he didn’t need to. I could feel his attitude, his lack of care or remorse very evident in his cocky, narcissistic attitude. 

‘Despite sharing the same personality disorder as LJ, there’s a stark difference between them.’ I noted, eyeing him as he slumped in his seat, resting his head in his hand with a bored look playing on his features, ‘The true difference between a ‘psychopath’ and a ‘sociopath’, despite both being on some level of antisocial/dissocial personality disorder spectrum, is his inability to stay calm and collected, and the minor possibility of him sharing some level of empathy and or remorse whilst having, to some extent, a higher feeling of many other emotions.

‘LJ, on the other hand…’ I went back to tending my wounds, ‘Well, he feels none of that, and a lot of his feelings are dulled down to almost being nonexistent, which is what I imagine made him so ideal back when I was sexually abused as a young child all the way till a few years ago - to him it was simply an inconvenience rather than something mentally damaging.’

“So.” I looked up at his words, urging him to continue, which he did without even looking at me, “What now?” I raised a brow.

“Nothing.” he frowned.

“Don’t you need me for something?” he begged almost in disbelief. I frowned at him.

“Last time I checked you’re a person, not antibiotics, pain meds and bandages.” he glared at me.

“Don’t play with me.” I rolled my eyes.

“Drop the hissy fit.” I sighed, rubbing my temple, “If you’re asking why I wanted to talk to you, I just wanted to get to know you.” he frowned, eyeing me for a moment with suspicion before relaxing and nodding.

“What do you wanna know?” I blinked at my bandages before looking back up at him with a lost look on my face.

“Uh…” I blanked, “Besides what happened, I hadn’t really thought that far ahead, to be honest.” I noted sheepishly, scratching my cheek as I did. Immediately he let out a deep chuckle and shook his head.

“You’re a moron.” I chuckled.

“Says the guy who would have killed the guy with a loaded gun bare handed like Bear Grylls or some shit.” I snickered, “Seriously, what were you thinking?” immediately the boy puffed up his chest and pointed a finger at my shoulder.

“Oh yeah and doing jack shit really helped you not get injured, huh?” immediately I raised my hands in mock surrender.

“You got me there.” I chuckled, “But, really, even you have to admit it would have been a bad idea?” he said nothing in response other than muttering several curse words and glaring at me, from the corner of his eyes, his ego bruised. 

‘Despite the chip - or rather, chips - on his shoulder,’ I closed my eyes for a moment, ‘I feel oddly calm and safe with the little idiot bitch baby.’

“Don’t call me that!” I blinked, eyes opening sharply as his hackles rose, though couldn’t take him seriously as he gave a babyish pout. I tried my best not to laugh, but knew it was unsuccessful. It was then he glared at me and folded his arms, “I don’t have to take this-”

“Just chill your tits, my dude.” I sighed, rubbing my temples, “You need not be so defensive with me; I am as close to you as is physically possible and am just trying to have some fun with you.”

‘Man this might take some work…’ I deadpanned.

The kid eyed me for a moment, the cogs visibly ticking in his head. Noting the time, and how fatigued I felt, this time I decided to change the subject.

“So, what’s your purpose, smol bean?” I begged, catching him off guard and visibly stumping him. He frowned, one brow raised.

“Huh?” I sighed, pausing my work and focusing all of my attention on him.

“Every personality of mine has a purpose for themselves, just like every other person.” I started, emphasising my point with hand gestures, “That could be something as simple as a small thing they wish to do or learn, or can be bigger such as a life purpose.” I raised my hand and counted on my hand to one, “For example, whilst sticking to just us main personalities or else this is gonna get very complicated very quickly, Koi wants to learn spanish as she takes pride in her latino heritage.” my second finger out, counting to two, “Jesús and Amelia, or Mia as we call her, dream of getting married, which, admittedly, is a lot harder, but not impossible should I or a trusted friend become a wedding officiant.” I paused, "So probably my sister when she finishes certification." I noted then raised a third finger, counting to three, “Ava, as she grows up, wants to become a hairdresser and learn how to draw and animate.” I then moved onto my next hand, raising another finger.

“On the other hand, LJ has repeatedly stated that his only purpose is to keep me safe, alive and functioning, even if that means taking over and acting as me when I can no longer handle a situation, even in the most minor of circumstances.” I added a second finger, counting to two, “Cornelius, or Cornea- its a reference to how peculiar his eyes are, before you ask.” I smirked, as he closed his mouth. I continued, “Again, he’s said that he basically exists to make me happy, although how he did it in the beginning led to some issues between him and LJ-” I shook my head, hand up and gave a small smile, “It doesn’t really matter, we’ve moved on and it's another story for another time.” I clarified before adding another finger, counting to three, “And then there’s SAM.” I sighed, rubbing the back of my neck, gently, though cringing when I felt my cuts. He frowned, confused by my pause, though allowed me time to collect the right words.

“SAM is something else all together.” I exhaled slowly, “I don’t think any of us completely understand his motive in anything he does, but I know he resents at least just me and wants to basically cause havoc.” Tor frowned, confused.

“What’s the point?” I shrugged.

“Again, not really a clue. But he’s violent and emotional - but I don’t think he’s incapable of empathy and love.” I found my gaze drifting towards nothing in particular as I spoke, “In fact, I think he acts the way he does to try and escape just how emotional he truly is; maybe even he is unsure of his motive and purpose.”

“You sound like you’re speaking from experience…” Tor noted as I formed an unreadable look on my face. 

‘Maybe you’re right Tor… Maybe I am…’ I gave a small smile, but couldn’t bring myself to respond, or even continue the topic.

“So,” I looked back up at him, “What’s your purpose, tiny bean?” immediately he flared up.

“Don’t call me that! I’m not small!” I snickered, rolling my eyes.

“My dude,” I eyed him with a, ‘really?’ expression, “you are, at best, still six years younger than me, and that’s taking you at the age you were created to be; really, you’re only like, what? Six hours old?” 

“I’m starting to reconsider my purpose…” he glared, looking away with his nose up in the air. I cocked a brow, feeling amused.

‘Am I detecting some banter from you, Tor?’  

“Which is?” I begged. Tor blinked, dropping the front and turned and looked at me seriously.

“I guess I have three, really.” I blinked, intrigued, waiting for him to continue, which he did almost immediately, “I want to learn a martial art, and I want to learn both Russian and German, as I, too, am proud of my heritage-”

“Wait one fucking second, what?” I balked, noting his irritance at my interruption, “You have the most London-esque accent I’ve ever heard.” he blinked before snickering, though he ignored my outcry and continued, “- but, also I’m here primarily for you - that is, to protect you, namely from things like SAM.” he made no effort to hide his snarl as he spoke his name. 

I found my mouth agape as I attempted to put some words together in my head, but was too surprised to be able to. In fact, it was so much so that I couldn’t even be upset when Tormund snickered at my expression. 

After a few moments, my face relaxed slightly and I found myself in deep thought.

‘That explains a lot…’ I frowned, ‘After all, I genuinely thought it was SAM who had taken over during that time of mental weakness, initially.’ I itched the back of my head, ‘After all, I have the ultimate control over who takes over, and SAM is purposefully locked into the back of my head as much as is humanly possible on my part.

‘I need that extra security, because if he somehow takes over, God have mercy on everyone and everything living, as he won’t just target my loved ones…’

But there is still one question I need clarified, even if I already am sure of the answer - just to make sure. 

“How do I know that you won’t just let him out?” I mumbled, dragging my index finger over the dressings on my thighs, gently. 

Tormund immediately was obviously offended by such a question and was getting ready to blow up at me for hurting him. It was enough that I quickly beat him to it, making sure he knew where I was at in asking such a question.

“I just need to hear you say it, is all. I have to make sure; after everything SAM has done to us all, me especially and my family, I can’t risk it until I have your word.” immediately the fire and puffing vanished into a sad frown. He nodded in understanding.

“I get it. It’s fine.” he forgave, gently, before giving me a determined look, “I’m going to be honest with you, Ali.” I blinked at the nick name, though he continued unwavering, “SAM disgusts me.”

I gasped lightly, shocked by the venom in his blunt words.

“He’s gonna see you as a goddamn saviour for pinning him away when compared to me, because it’ll be over my dead body that he has or gets any power over us all or your body.” he slowly got up and came over to me, sitting on the edge of the bed before holding up his pinkie finger with a small grin.

“I know this means a lot to you.” he raised his pinkie to emphasise what he was referring to, “And I want you to know how serious I am. To me, SAM is an outsider and the idea of going against you or any of the others, of which I don’t consider SAM to be a part of, just goes against everything I believe.

“I promise, Ali, to keep that cunt at bay and watch out for you, yeah?”

I felt touched. His complete and utter dedication was apparent. 

‘But he’s a sociopath - that's his whole gig, being able to manipulate and pretend.’ I frowned, ‘But I trust him. I can sense his true intentions and even if he doesn’t actually feel anything like he just expressed, either towards me or SAM, truly, and is only playing to my own emotions, he is dutiful and won’t go against me. I just know it.’

“Thank you.” I immediately hooked my own pinkie with his, delicately, before giving him a warm smile, “I really need you right now.” 

Tor seemed surprised by my honesty, but quickly recovered, right as I told LJ and Cornea to watch over him and likewise. However, before he left me, I had to thank him again.

“By the way…” I caught his attention again, causing him to look up at me with a perplexed look, “Thanks for protecting me as well as you could on the bus; if it weren’t for you, I might have had a serious neck injury from the glass and who knows what else…” 

“No problem.” he noted before giving an amused smirk, “I enjoyed seeing the guy get hit.” he chuckled, “Cunt deserved it for what he tried to pull on us.” he hodding with finality before saluting me with two fingers and taking his leave.

As soon as he was gone, I packed away the medical kit, dumped the old bandages in the bin and took my meds. After brushing my teeth, I practically fell into bed, feeling surprisingly content after what horrors I had just faced.

‘Maybe, just maybe, I’m not truly alone?’

Chapter Text

- December 23 -

Gasping violently, my eyes flew open, trapped tears immediately flooding down my cheeks and slowly absorbed by the bandages and pillow around my neck and under my head, respectively. I couldn’t help as I gasped for air, coughing violently as I sat up, hand to my chest as I attempted to regain control over my panicked fast and shallow breaths. Loud cries and whimpers ripped through my lungs after each breath, the images from the other day flashing before my eyes followed by scenes of me dying and then scenes of me killing the man as SAM, even the intrusive memory of my dreams was too much to handle.

It wasn’t long before I heard loud bangs on my front door, which was enough to force me into loud, raw cries, snot and tears flowing effortlessly down my pale skin.

“Ai?!” Mono cried as he knocked on the door, not waiting for a response as the door flew open, the second set of keys to my apartment jingling in his hand. Within an instant he was by my side, on the bed, and cradling me as I cried and hiccupped, whispering nice words and telling me I was okay and not alone intermittently whilst saying ‘shh’ and rocking me side to side.

I had completely shut down, both physically and mentally, and had become completely unresponsive, as though I had been powered down like a computer.

I wasn’t sure how long we sat like this, but given it had been light out when I woke up by the time my tears had dried up and I was lying in a limp, catatonic state, it was within the waking up time range. Despite this, and the fact I was starting to almost ‘snap out of it’, I couldn’t force myself to move, but at least I was starting to be able to think again, albeit slowly. 

I started to feel time again and eventually I could feel my body properly, numbness leaving me, albeit slowly. As I regained function, I felt as though my body had begun to use pain and aches to remind me, once again, of what I had suffered through a few days ago. Slowly I was able to start twitching my fingers and toes, noting how only now, and suddenly, that I could feel my warm blood flow through me, as though it hadn’t so much as existed before now. 

Eventually my limbs were responding as my body ached from sitting in the same position, unmoving for at least an hour and a half, if not much longer. 

‘Just as I- we had done the past three nights…’

As Mono noticed I was starting to respond, he started to talk again, urging me to try and move more, which I did. Finally I was able to stand upright, albeit with some help, before also going on to walking.

From there, Mono led me to the kitchen for breakfast and started to prepare my usual - a banana, pre-prepared and physically separated cut up apple, grapes and cheese, along with an assortment of yoghurts, including a yoghurt drink; he also prepared my medication, along with my daily molaxole. He snorted gently, under his breath at my simplistic choices in food, but said nothing nor did he protest, knowing he was equally as bad and just as autistic as I am.

It was silent for a while. Despite the duration of time that had gone by, I had barely touched my food; the time it took just for my brain to first tell my body to do something, in of itself, took significantly longer than usual. 

In other words, I was slow, as though I was booting up, possibly in safe mode. 

“This is the third time.” Mono tried, gently, “I’m worried about you.”

I paused my motion of picking up a piece of cheese to go with the grape in my mouth and chewing, freezing up as I processed his words. After I understood, which took a few notable moments, I continued where I left off without any additional response. Mono sighed at my lack of acknowledgement before sitting down in front of me at the small table, hands together on the table as he stared intently at me. I couldn’t even look in his general direction, never mind speak, so I continued to say nothing. 

‘Even if I knew sign language, I don’t think I have the brain-body connection right now to use it; even putting the spoon into the yoghurt pot is starting to give me a headache.’

“Look…” Mono began, looking at his lap for a moment. Though I couldn’t face him, I was listening and waiting for him to continue.

“We haven’t talked about anything- and that’s fine! I totally get it.” he held out his hands in emphasis, “I’m not expecting you to talk about it yet, though it does mean I only know as much as the rest of the general public.” he shifted in his seat for a moment. If I could have, I would have raised a brow at his behaviour, not realising he was trying to work out how to say something that was clearly on his mind.

“I think you need to see your therapist.” he stated, exhaling loudly, as though he had just said something he was struggling to get out. 

I blinked in response before attempting to speak, only to groan and strain. After another few attempts I was finally able to say a few words, “Today. Appointment, already.” I attempted to clear my throat but it didn’t help much. Despite this setback, when I thought about it more, I actually was dealing with this better than usual.

‘Usually my mutism after something like this would last at least an hour after starting to regain normal function…’  

Mono nodded, understanding immediately. However I paused, slowly attempting to follow his figure as he left my room, but gave in when my body refused. It wasn’t long till he returned and I found myself attempting to smile as he gave me one himself, along with a thick pen and some paper.

“Keep trying to speak so you might struggle less in therapy, but if you can’t you can use this.” he noted. Though I wasn’t sure I was visibly smiling, I felt like I was, noting how nice Mono really was, even if he’s used to and usually prepared for my selective mutism.

Mono and I continued to make small talk as the day went on, my voice slowly but surely coming back as an hour went by, though I kept the pen and pad with me for harder words and phrases. However, as my appointment drew near I felt myself becoming more and more anxious, something which must have been fairly noticeable as Mono immediately changed the conversation.

“So we’ll be getting the 119 bus, right?” he noted. I frowned, nodding slowly before tilting my head with a confused frown. Catching my meaning he deadpanned, “You didn’t think I’d be sending you on your own, did you? After this morning?” I sighed, nodding in understanding.

“Got it.”

“How are you doing?” he begged, examining my movements, “How is moving?” I thought about it for a few moments before testing my legs out slightly as I stood and attempted to walk around the round table, making sure to use it for stability when needed. I nodded at him, signalling it was appropriate. He gave a relieved sigh.

“Well that’s good.” he muttered to himself, watching my joints moving before looking back up to me, “Do you want to have a shower before you get dressed?” I blinked, frowning as I thought for a few moments.

‘It would be a good idea…’ I noted, finger to my lips in thought, ‘I haven’t had an actual shower since the 18th, so, nearly a week…’

I immediately nodded, shivering at the disgusting feeling of my skin and hair.

“Need it.” I nodded, earning an amused smirk. However he had a concerned look in his eye, which I didn’t have to wait long to find out why.

“Are you sure you can do it?” I nodded, understanding his point.

“Got the shower seat.” I clarified, “Won’t stand.” 

With that he seemed satisfied enough to let me go and shower, though he shadowed me and allowed me to use him for support if needed, though it wasn’t really necessary at this point; I had more or less recovered all walking functionality.

‘Well that’s something.’ I felt a small smile form on my lips, my face also beginning to regain function, too, before concluding, 'I really should learn sign. I know Mono wants to.' I nodded to myself, 'I'll mention it later…'

It took me a while to be able to wash my hair, given the wounds on my hands, and then, of course, even longer to clean myself without angering my wounds. Fortunately, Mono had suggested taking a shower at a point where I had plenty of time; I even found myself relaxing a bit as I sat and let the shower cascade down my body. The combination of sensory deprivation with regards to my sight and, to some extent, my ears and skin/touch, whilst being at an optimum temperature, was blissful. In fact, it had been quite a while since I felt this calm and meditative; the only similar feeling being when I find that perfect spot under my covers or directly under my bed, with my eye mask on and some crap on in the background to block out everything else. 

I exhaled a loud sigh of relief.

‘I could stay in this moment forever…’  

It didn’t take too long for me to get dried and dressed. And, even better, my wounds all looked to be less red and swollen.

‘So far there’s been at least some positive.’

I made sure to wear clothes that covered most of my bandaged wounds to add an extra layer and keep them protected from the cold. Making sure to wrap up, we made our way out, to and on the bus with next to no issues. 

Taking my regular seat, I couldn’t help the anxiety that began to boil, but made sure to focus on my breathing techniques and try to forget it all and daydream whilst staring out at the window. Of course, the anxiety and accompanying feelings never left, but at least it was suppressed and controlled.

Eventually we made it to the hospital and into the right ward. After giving my name to the receptionist we sat down and waited for the trauma therapist to come and greet me, which also didn’t take much longer than five minutes or so. As I was led to her office, which often changed each week, Mono mentioned he’d go to the cafe and be back before the hour was up, so he went in the opposite direction. 

Of course, therapy usually has a direction and mine was no exception. However, I knew she saw the new bandages and was well aware something had happened. Though she never mentioned it, I decided I needed to, because my doctor/nurse alter personality can’t fix or figure out everything.

And so began what turned into an hour and a half session. 

As I poured my heart out, my therapist and I began to re-work our plan, which, fortunately, wasn’t too much as I was attending for trauma therapy, having recently been diagnosed with C-PTSD and PTSD by the psychiatrist I was seeing in order to be assessed for bipolar I. However, the concern became quite visible when I mentioned Tormund. 

“He's protecting me from SAM; that’s his purpose, apparently.” I noted quietly, adding in a scared and timid voice, “SAM nearly took over. If it wasn’t for Tormund, I think he probably would have. Just like the others, he’s a saviour…” I looked away as Becca frowned, nodding lightly in understanding.

“I mean that certainly makes sense.” she noted, “And certainly in-keeping.” I sighed, shaking my head almost in disbelief.

“I just felt so weak… Like there was nothing I could do - and it was bad enough that SAM almost took over.” she nodded.

“That must have been pretty terrifying.” she gave a very empathetic frown as she urged me to continue sharing my thoughts and feelings. I nodded in agreement.

“To have to rely on him …” I shivered, “I hope no one feels that depth of lack of control and desperation.” I let out a loud exhale as I ran my fingers through my hair, a thoughtful frown plastered on my features as I began to speak what came into my head, “I can’t figure out what happened with SAM when comparing him to the others. He wants to be a saviour, but he also hates me and wants me to suffer. I have no choice but to lock him away and try to work with him, but he just doesn’t listen or care and certainly trusts me even less, making progress quite slow.” I sighed, sadly, “He must be so lonely…” I blinked in realisation, biting my lip, “And I worry Tormund will drive him even further away from me, for my own safety, and, in turn, undo any positive change we worked towards, which, in the long term, is ultimately bad for all of us, not just me or SAM.” Becca’s brows furrowed as she gave a slow nod. She was obviously in deep thought, so I waited, knowing it would be important and serious based on how delicately she began to speak her words.

“... I know you don’t completely agree,” she noted with a serious look, “and, of course, I’m here to work out what you need. However, in an ideal world, the really long term goal is to bring all of your alters, personalities and other selves together.” she paused, letting that sink in before continuing after a few minutes once I nodded, “So we naturally want to limit anything that could jeopardise your treatment, including something pushing you to… split further- if you’ll pardon my poor wording!” I chuckled, an amused, but still serious, look on my face as I emphasised for her to continue her point, which she did, “Whilst taking that into account, I do think you need to see the psychiatrist again.” I sighed, unable to disagree, “I suspect that you’re suffering from acute stress and he might be able to help you with your sleep, which, in turn, will prevent any further trauma, including limiting any more dissociation or anxiety as much as we can.” she sighed, clearly still thinking, before offering, “I also think we should up our sessions to twice a week until further notice, if that’s okay with you? However it might, in order to fit you in, mean we might be looking at weekend visits from time to time.”

With a sigh I naturally agreed and we continued to discuss what we thought needed to be addressed directly. From there it was far past our session time, so she suggested we start our plan as soon as I had seen the psychiatrist. 

“I’ll make sure to give him some notes and my thoughts before your appointment comes, just so that he is up to date. That way, hopefully, he’ll have more time to get necessary details and focus on the medication side of things and then we can continue our amended plan.” she proposed with a kind smile. I let out a tired and drained, albeit pleased sigh, thanking her for her help and for going over time. Of course she waved that away saying it was her job, before accompanying me to the reception to help book an appointment with the psychiatrist. As she searched for slots, humming as she did, I got up my calendar on my phone and waited for her to offer a day and time.

“Wow we could possibly be quite lucky.” she muttered, eyeing me for a moment before asking, “Are you free at all on December 25th, say at 3:15? I know Christmas is a holiday in the West, so if not that’s perfectly understandable-”

“No, no. That’s perfect.” I gave a weak and tired smile, “I don’t really celebrate it, anyway.”

‘Huh new pills? Merry Christmas, me.’ I mocked as I said my goodbyes and began to walk over to Mono, who rose and met me part way.

“That took a bit longer than usual.” he started as we began to make our way to the exit, waving Becca goodbye, “Is that a good thing?” I gave a sleepy smile.

“Yes.” I agreed, “Seeing the psychiatrist in a few days and we’ve readjusted our therapy. Went as well as possible, to be honest.” I heard something akin to a sigh of relief from the man, who immediately patted me on the head, much to my dismay, as I snarled and swatted his hands away whilst trying to rectify my hair.

“Stoooop thaaaat, Mono, you baka!” I moaned, earning nothing but laughs as we made our way out of the hospital and towards the bus station. However, I paused mid walk as an idea popped into my head, making Mono pause just ahead of me with a perplexed look on his face.

“I still need to sign those papers at the university…” I elaborated, “If you don’t mind, it might be a good idea to do it now and get it out of the way?”

Immediately Mono gave an apologetic look before shaking his head slowly.

“I can’t; I've gotta go police a football match.” he scratched his cheek, “I could accompany you tomorrow, if that’s possible?” I immediately shook my head.

“It’s fine. I’ll go.” I affirmed before lying, “I feel much better than before.” 

Mono’s gaze was full of scrutiny and disapproval at my suggestion, though much to my surprise he merely asked if I was sure. Nodding I gave a small smile before making my way towards the bus stop with him. His disdain had become the elephant in the room until his bus came and even then, we both continued to say nothing about it even as we parted and I watched his bus take off.

‘He doesn’t like telling me what to do.’ I acknowledged, ‘He fears coming across as controlling after hearing it from his ex.’ I tsked, ‘She was a piece of work, as was their mess of a relationship, which, to be fair, wasn’t entirely her fault… Though still I hope she’s getting the help she needs.’  

I looked up at the sky, noting that it might rain with a heavy sigh before looking back at the distance to see if my bus was near yet. Seeing a bus, I prayed it was mine so I could get this journey over and done with and make my way back to my warm, safe home. 

However I found myself pouting and groaning when it was the wrong number, stepping back out of comfort to put distance between myself and the fast moving bus as it passed. Taking out my phone, I began to do some mindless word games, keeping an eye out for the bus every few seconds, unable to stop myself. As soon as the bus arrived, however, I found myself freezing as I saw the driver.

‘That’s… him! The same man!’ I gulped, ‘Will he remember me? At least he’s alright, though I’d have thought they’d give him longer leave than this!’

The distinct feeling of déjà vu flooded my body, making me almost cry in fear and was certainly enough for me to consider fleeing to the safety of my home either by foot, taxi or another bus- any other bus. But after a few minutes I collected myself and took a deep, therapeutic breath as I waited for the doors to open. And when they did, I entered, mustering up as much of a smile as I could as I shook in my shoes, my true feelings almost certainly noticeable to any sensible person.

As soon as the driver took in my appearance he appeared shocked, and then instantly relieved. I found myself giving a kind, but sad, smile.

“I didn’t think I’d get the opportunity to find out how you were.” he spoke, before immediately coughing into his fist and shaking his head, “Sorry! I don’t mean to be forward-”

“No, no.” I interjected with a genuine smile, “I, too, didn’t think I’d be able to express my gratitude.” as I spoke I noted that he frowned lightly in confusion, though I continued, “I remember little, but I remember you stayed with me until they wouldn’t let you go any further.” I felt a small tear escape, “So thank you . You truly were the shining light for me that day and I’m really glad to see you’re alright.”

The man gave a kind and almost happy smile as he nodded, before holding my hand, which I returned with a squeeze. I hadn’t noticed I was crying until he wiped it away from my cheek. He gave a relieved sigh.

“I, too, am glad to see you’re okay.” he noted. I gave a bright grin before pointing to one of my many bandages.

“Did you know that they leave bullets in sometimes?!” I noted, “How weird and cool is that?!” the man merely laughed at my child-like excitement before patting me on the head, which made me smile, even though I kept feeling the reflex demanding I fix my hair. 

“I did not! I’ll be sure to tell my own daughter that fate.” he chuckled, “I’m certain she’ll find it interesting.” I grinned and nodded, giving his hand a squeeze before he asked where I’d be going as I scanned my bus pass. I noted that I’m going to the university, given the lack of success the last time. He didn’t question it and mentioned that this time he would make sure I got there unscathed, which made me chuckle.

“I think I’d like that.” I noted with a nod, earning a small chuckle. 

Though we joked about it, we both were definitely traumatised by what had happened.

‘However,’ I relaxed, ‘I almost feel at peace for having been able to both speak to someone who was there and for it to specifically be him. ’ I bit my lip as I looked out of the window with a positive look, ‘I think today might be good.’

Though I anxiously awaited for the man to come onto the bus once again, it never happened, of course. In fact, there were next to no hiccups in my journey. 

As the bus came to a halt in front of the university, I rose as the bus driver nodded my way, signalling I had arrived. With a deep breath I made my way off the bus, sharing a thanks and goodbye with the driver for a minute or so, before making my way towards the campus map nearby the bus stop. Naturally I took a picture and, from there, along with the directions given in the email, I made my way towards the offices. 

Of course, I got lost a few times and ended up asking directions from some very nice people along the way. Regardless, I got there in the end.

Noting the plaque on the door, I took a deep breath before knocking on the door, trying neither to be too loud nor too quiet. Within a minute or so, the door swung open and a cheery woman gave a polite smile.

“Hi!” she greeted, “You must be Ai?” I blinked, somewhat surprised, though I simply nodded, returning the kind gesture.

“Yes!” I bowed lightly before passing her as she motioned for me to enter the office. I immediately apologised, “Sorry for not coming sooner.” I sighed, taking a seat across from her, as directed, “Unfortunately there was an… incident and I was hospitalised…” I trailed off before shaking my head, noting her concerned gaze, “But I’m fine now!” I beamed. She gave a sad nod as she turned away, grabbing some papers in a file before coming back over and taking her seat ahead of me.

“I’m really sorry to hear that, but I’m glad you’re feeling better.” she comforted, “Besides, you’re not late or anything, so there’s no worry!” she grinned before placing specific papers in front of me and passing me a pen.

“Right, so, there are a few things I need to go through before you sign, okay?” I nodded, giving her my full attention as she began to point out specific paragraphs, giving small crosses next to them as we went along.

Over all the explanation took less than ten minutes and by that point I had almost completely finished signing any documents and had given the required information confirming my name, address and whatnot, which did surprise me slightly; I had expected it to take much longer. In fact, at this point, we were more or less chatting casually whilst I packed up my things.

However, right as I was about to turn and make my leave, my ears tuned into the TV in the corner on low and I paused, something which, initially, visibly confused the woman. However, once she, took in the TV’s report, she, too, found herself watching it.

“-though we still have no information on the people involved in the Spaceland bus jacking that occurred on the twenty third, we do know that the one person hospitalised has been discharged and is said to be ‘recovering well’.” it was at that point I think the woman realised that I was that person, as her barely audible gasp and sharp look attested to, particularly as I noticed her hone in on my neck bandages. However, I paid her no heed as I continued to listen to the news, which gripped her attention again, quite quickly.

“The hijacker, Kiichiro Osoreda, a known drug addict and criminal, is due to have his funeral on the twenty fourth at an undisclosed location. The police were originally attempting to apprehend this man to be charged for a case of attempted robbery at To-Oh bank, whereby he was seen shooting a teller and two customers as he made his escape; about to be shown is the same report we gave on this original case that originally aired on December nineteenth-” I gasped, my whole body freezing at those final words. I clamped my hand shut, only to instantly release them and take a deep breath. 

‘So he was a known criminal to the public.’ I commented, ‘So why didn’t Kira kill him…?’ I shook my head, ‘It means something, but what I don’t know.’  

Quickly I turned back to the woman, my sudden movements startling her, as I grabbed the pen I had left on the desk and looked for some loose paper to write on. Finding nothing, I wrote over my bandage, admittedly with some difficulty, before taking my leave, only stopping to give the woman a bow, wish her a nice day and to say goodbye.

As soon as I busted out of the doors, I made quick strides towards the bus stop, remembering the direction well enough not to need a map as I continued to ponder on the feeling I got from that newsfeed and the question repeating in my head.

‘Everything about this is off.’ I noted as I jogged towards the bus that arrived just before me. Mindlessly I scanned my pass and thanked the driver before immediately taking my usual seat, frowning down at my hand as I read my note over and over again.

As the bus started to move, I sighed, feeling frustrated, before immediately ripping open my bag and taking out my white notebook and a pen. Opening the book, I began to scan over my notes surrounding the Kira investigation that I had collected over time and began to contemplate what is so fishy about the whole thing.

Purposefully, I removed my shoes and rested my feet on the seat, creating a makeshift desk out of my thighs so I could write down any and all notes in my book, starting with what I wrote on my hand. I was sure some ‘Karen’ or someone was scowling at me, but I didn’t bother to acknowledge or even confirm my assumption; I was busy. 

It was then that I saw something I wrote when I was able to, right after the hijacking incident: the FBI agent on the bus. 

My mouth opened before immediately closing as my brows furrowed at the messy, English text with bemusement. 

‘It’s so strange.’ I declared, ‘Why would an FBI agent be on this particular bus? And at a time when a criminal just so happens to board and take hostage?’ I scowled before reckoning, ‘The FBI is here for Kira, no doubt, given he, both, was confirmed to be here in Kanto, Japan, and is a case of global concern, not just to the Japanese police; he’s been killing criminals world-wide, after all.’ I groaned, leaning back and letting my legs fall down as I slumped in my seat, glaring at the ceiling of the bus.

“This means something.” I concluded, “But what I don’t-” I immediately gave a loud gasp and brought my feet up so I could write my jumbled idea onto the notebook before I overthought it.

‘Does that mean that Kira - or at least a suspect - was on that bus…?’ I shook my head , ‘If he were, why wouldn’t he kill the criminal? Too risky to do it in public, maybe?’ I scowled again, my hand coming to a hault as I finished writing.

“It keeps coming back to the same question.” I muttered to myself, tapping the corner of my mouth with my pen, “‘Why didn’t Kira kill Kiichiro Osoreda’...?”

With a sigh, I shook my head and began to pack up my book and pen before putting my shoes back on.

‘No, I don’t think he was on the bus.’ I concluded, ‘Though it’s awfully convenient how the man died. If Kira were on the bus, then he would have died by heart attack - and even if that weren’t the case, no one did anything on the bus that could even possibly make them out to be Kira, even whilst not knowing the true method for killing his victims…’

I fell forward slightly, noting the bus to have stopped and outside of my flat, at that. Quickly I made my way off the bus with thanks to the driver, before swiftly making my way to my front door whilst fiddling with my keys. Once I entered, I locked the door and dumped my stuff by the coat hanger, before hanging my coat and scarf and then removing my shoes. 

Eventually I settled on the sofa, brain tired and foggy from lack of sleep and mental exertion from both therapy and then thinking about the Kira investigation. 

With a heavy sigh, I fell back and spread my limbs out on the sofa, a light frown etched into my features, frustration very much still evident.

“I’m missing a vital piece to this puzzle…” I muttered, “But when I get it… I suspect I’ll be one more step closer to you, Kira.

“The real question is this: how far am I willing to go?”

Chapter Text

- December 25 -

“Merry fucking Christmas…” I glared up at my ceiling, any Christmas spirit I had left being far too small to hide my true misery.

Once again, there were nightmares. And, once again, I woke up panicked and crying. And , once again-

“I am alone.” I sighed, my face softening as I looked to my right, massaging the area slightly, almost as though I expected to feel something I couldn’t see.

After a moment or two my hand dropped and ceased moving, my gaze returning to the ceiling. After blowing some air, I finally convinced myself to get up and ready for my psych eval by the psychiatrist today. 

‘Today of all days is difficult…’ I noted as I stripped off and began to sort out my bandages, ‘Christmas was something I could finally celebrate in a way I had always wanted to, with him …’

I quickly wiped away stray tears aggressively, not in the mood to deal with my own shit right now.

‘Now he’s gone and with it he took any semblance of celebratory spirit I ever had, which, really, wasn’t great to begin with, though the absence of it hitting even harder than it would have before, given he gave me more celebratory spirit from when I met him.’ I gave a sad, airly laugh as I began to get dressed, ‘He never even celebrated holidays as he grew up, so lord knows how he made me more inclined to celebrate the holidays myself…’

Pushing the thoughts aside, I attempted to motivate myself by eating my favourite breakfast whilst packing my bag for the trip. It’s not often I need to alter it, since it’s mostly just the basics like my purse, headphones and notebook. However, after asking google what the weather is like, I decided to add in an umbrella; the only one I could find, sadly, was a plain dark red one with a fabric cover.

‘Man where the fuck did I put the sakura one mama got me?’ I pouted, ‘I should try and get another one of those; the hard plastic cover stops the rain from dripping in my bag… Maybe online?’

After noting that idea down, I put it to the back of my mind and put on my coat and scarf before leaving. Almost immediately, after locking my door and putting my keys away, I texted Mono to say I was leaving, just to keep him informed. From there I made my way to the bus stop and jogged under the bus shelter as the rain started, with a huff as I sat down. 

I didn’t have to wait long before the bus came. 

‘Thank god for reliable public transport.’ I praised as I stepped onto the bus, my bus pass already ready, ‘I suppose that’s a pretty big positive about living in a big city.’

Getting the all clear, I thanked the driver and made my way to my seat. Plopping down, I took a deep breath before putting my headphones on and playing some music, eyes darting from the window to the doors each time we stopped, small but noticeable levels of anxiety raising its head.

‘To be honest, I was anxious before even getting to the bus stop…’ I confessed, ‘The psychiatrist has much more power over me and my choice than the psychologist.’ I bit my lip, ‘Unlike my psychologist, my psychiatrist can end my life by playing with my medications or sectioning me against my will; the psychologist doesn’t have that power without a psych consult, which is conducted by a psychiatrist .’

When the bus arrived, I took a deep breath as I got off and pushed those negative thoughts aside before falling back on rationalising against them when that didn’t work.

‘They don’t have that power, exactly. They can’t just remove the medication without a lawsuit and they can’t just put me in a ward. The amount of paperwork, time and approval required makes it difficult for people to be sectioned against their will; I need to remember this.’  

And with that, I strode into the correct hospital entrance and alerted the receptionist of my presence. After being marked as arrived, I took my seat and waited for the psychiatrist to come and collect me. 

‘I’m five minutes early.’ I puffed some air as I deflated, ‘With his schedule, that means I need to add that to, about, fifteen minutes before he’ll come and collect me. After all, he always overruns with patients and, as a result, is always late…’

Unsurprisingly, I was correct in assuming he was late, though it was more like twenty five minutes than the twenty I had originally calculated. But, regardless, I said nothing, only batting away his apologies as he gave them, before following him and taking a seat in the room he had led me to. 

We had an hour and he had had a fair run down from my psychologist, but regardless he asked the usual important questions and any others he deemed necessary for me surrounding the situation. One of those obviously included asking what actually happened and, as a result, what am I struggling with, though of course he was much more compassionate his words were put in a far more gentle manner. It felt good to talk to someone who could give more immediate results and who was far more focused on what can be done about it, rather than how I feel about it. But then again, that’s why therapy is much harder than psychiatry, for me, at least; expressing and accepting how you feel is far harder than simply taking a pill and shrugging it off to the back of your mind. That’s why people tend to respond best to treatment that harnesses both, albeit, only really those who are ready for the therapy they need. 

I hardly felt the hour as it ticked away, being too embroiled in the task at hand. So when the psychiatrist jumped at the time, noting we had gone over half an hour already, I, too, was shocked. 

“I suppose, getting to the point, as it were,” he begun, earning a nod from me for him to continue, “I think we should up your duloxetine from 60mg to 120mg as we know it works well for your anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder.” he liked his lips as he noted down his conclusions, before adding, “It’s is known to work well for acute stress disorder, of which there is no doubt that you’re experiencing,” I nodded as he looked up, “but it’s also known to help nightmares, so we’ll try that before considering any new medication, especially given the amount you are already on…” he noted, a deep frown evident as he clearly looked over my medication list, “I mean you’re on some very serious stuff here and we want quality, not quantity, I suppose you could say.” I chuckled, nodding in agreement.

“No, yes. Definitely.” I agreed, “That sounds like a good idea.” I nodded, “I can only hope this to be temporary, so adding in another medication sounds slightly…” I itched my cheek as I searched for the word, “counterintuitive?” he nodded.

“Yes. And given how you responded to SSRIs, we’d be looking at another SNRI and-” he sighed, shaking his head before giving a kind smile, “Over complicating things, I think.” I nodded.

“I’m assuming the others are fine as are?” he nodded, back on track.

“Yes, I see no reason to up or reduce any of them for the moment. However I do want to see you again in, say, a month’s time just to see how well you’re doing with the duloxetine.” I nodded, though he added, “And, as per usual, if there are any issues, call us. You know your body and your medications so, if you have to lower it for whatever reason, you naturally are free to do so, but please get an appointment so we can try and figure out where to go from there, okay?” I immediately nodded.

“Same for quetiapine, aripiprazole, olanzapine and lorazepam, yeah?” I begged, earning a sharp nod.

“Exactly. Take the lorazepam as needed - no more than 5mg, though if you feel you need it most days, which should go down after increasing the duloxetine, I would recommend staying on 2.5mg.” he noted, hand motions being used to emphasis his points, “If the other three need upped or downed, you have the power to change the dosage and request that amount from the GP, on repeat. I’ll make sure to clarify that in my next letter, just in case.” I gave a slight sigh of relief, nodding.

“Thanks. You know how finicky they can be.” he chuckled at this, nodding in agreement with a knowing look.

“The mere concept of a psychiatrist allowing a patient some reign over their medications can leave GPs uncomfortable, given they then have to provide that medication.” she shrugged, arms out with an unsure expression, “Maybe it's a lawsuit thing, I don’t know, but it makes them uncomfortable.” I nodded.

“Don’t. As soon as they hear just quetiapine they look visibly concerned-” I paused, “But then again I suspect that was because I was seventeen, more than anything…” he nodded.

“Yes we don’t like to put young people on these medications.” he sighed, “If I’m honest, I’m very concerned about you being on these medications.” I felt my gut twist and a lump in my throat form, “Really it’s not proper. However, I’m hesitant to change anything given how well it has been working for you up till now, and, again, to play with your medications given what you’ve gone through would be very poor timing.” he sighed, shaking his head. I, too, sighed, but nodded.

“I will certainly agree with that. But, honestly, I just want to feel how I did before Harold and everything he did.” I noted, the mention of his name gaining all of his attention, given how much I avoid mentioning my late partner, “And these medications did the trick.” I shrugged, “I genuinely have hope for the duloxetine to fix this… blip. When you take away the ferocity of the nightmares, nothing really has changed.” I revealed, making the doctor frown.

“What do you mean by that?” 

“I mean, I’ve always had PTSD and I’ve always had nightmares, intrusive thoughts and anxiety.” I shrugged one shoulder, only dropping it after I finished speaking, “Medication-wise, I’m exactly the same, but just a bit more anxious. Ultimately, I can only get over this in the end with therapy; the medication is just to help me along the way, even if I die before the journey ends, say, in old age.” the doctor frowned in thought at this before slowly nodding.

“I see what you mean…” he rubbed his chin, clearly in thought. However, after a few moments, he put his paper and pen down and lent over so his hands were on his knees, “Like I said, I’m not going to entertain playing around with your medications for a while, so there’s no need to worry about that. We need to stabilize you as much as we can and, then, once you’ve been stable for a while, we’ll consider trying to wean you off - which has always, and will always be the end goal, for patients on these atypical antipsychotics.” I nodded.

“And if it doesn’t work, I can always go back up, no harm no foul.” I gave a relaxed exhale, “That seems fair to me.” he smiled, nodding. I couldn’t help but add, “Thanks for understanding.” I sighed, “I’ve been threatened with removal  and changes so much it scares me, the idea of coming off of them, knowing the state I was in that made me require them in the first place.” he nodded.

“That’s completely understandable. What you experienced is, at best, traumatising. Lacking control and being incapable of trusting anyone is a terrifying experience.” he noted, “I mean you’ve been diagnosed with bipolar I, Bipolar II, cyclothymia, mixed depression, some kind of paraphrenia-like condition, schizophreniform, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, psychotic disorders, delusion disorder, a multitude of anxiety disorders, including panic disorder, as well as dissociative identity disorder and mixed dissociative disorder and an array of personality disorders.” he sighed, “Thats ignoring stress disorders and specifiers.” he leaned forward, “If I may be frank?” I resisted the urge to raise a brow and simply nodded for him to continue. He did.

“I have only seen you to make sure your medications are working, to assess you for post traumatic stress disorder, and now acute stress disorder, but I have seen others that are symptomatic. Even without reading your files or having spoken to you, for you to have one of these labels, nevermind comorbidly ,” he shook his head, “Its certain that you have undoubtedly undergone considerable hardships.” I gave a silent sigh as I looked down, nodding as I did.

He was completely correct, of course. 

‘Ignoring the conditions themselves, the ballache I went through to get both diagnosed and medicated was in of itself able to give me PTSD alone.’ I bit my lip, ‘I wasn’t medicated for bipolar, psychosis or anxiety for eight and nine years. Wasn’t stable from either for another three.’ I looked down at the floor, ‘Didn’t get any actual diagnoses until we moved to Canada, a year ago. Couldn’t get the doctors to prescribe the meds we thought I needed, so we had to get them prescribed from India using Harold’s father’s friends, of whom were all qualified doctors. None of this takes into account the physical disabilities of which I’ve also suffered.’ I gave another sigh, ‘And that leads us to today, and how I got the medication combination I am on today… It’s madness, and I knew that, but I also knew that it would work, and it has.’

The doctor and I wrapped things up pretty soon after, him looking a bit guilty for the delay caused to his next patient. However, we left on cheerier grounds than that last moment of honesty, and he came to see me out, reminding me that I’d get a letter regarding the next appointment, which was fine with me. 

However, as soon as I had finished putting my scarf and coat on, he motioned me over and spoke slightly low.

“I almost forgot.” he noted sheepishly. Being as curious as I was, he had gripped my attention easily. I gave an airy laugh and motioned for him to continue.

“Have you given a statement to the police about your… experience ?” he begged. I blinked, shaking my head immediately before mentioning the hospital visit and how no police were there. Of course, he nodded in understanding, before insisting, “I don’t often recommend this,” he insisted before urging, “however I think it’s possible you could find it beneficial. Given that book you’re keeping on it, and if you feel up to it , then sharing your experience could possibly make you feel as though your progressing and give you some form of closure in knowing something is being done about it - and it would be a progression.” he stressed, “But you should only do it if you feel ready , okay? And I wouldn’t recommend going alone nor would I recommend going immediately , but it might be worth a thought.” I bit my lip, staring at the floor for a moment as I contemplated his words, giving a small nod as I did.

“I’ll certainly consider it.” came out of my mouth, eventually, before giving a bright smile, “I’ll let you know next time how it goes, if I’m up to it.” the doc gave an almost proud smile before gently patting me on the shoulder and wishing me goodbye. 

After the pleasantries were over, and I had left a fair distance away from the ward, my pace slowed significantly, until I had eventually paused. Remembering where I was, I quickly went to the side and leaned against the wall to stay out of the way of busy members of the public and staff.

As I watched people going about their lives, I continued to contemplate the doctor’s words, seriously.

‘He’s not wrong.’ I conceded, ‘It certainly would be a notable step in the right direction. But isn’t it time sensitive?’ I worried, ‘I’d need to be prepared to give in the statement soon, regardless of his warning, if it's to be of any help. I don’t want to be the reason they couldn’t make a conclusion on the hijacking, especially if it involved an FBI agent, for whatever reason…’ I shook my head, a strong look on my face as I rose up and began my strides towards the bus, ‘I don’t have to give a report now - or even ever - if I’m not ready! After all, I can’t help the case if I’m mute or passed out from anxiety.’ I reassured myself, ‘But even going to the station just to get used to it is a step in the right direction, right?’

And with that I had direction. 

Of course, as soon as I got outside I started to look up the bus I needed to get, along with the route - and, of course, I informed Mono I was gonna be back late. As I did, I pouted when I noticed the little droplets falling onto my phone, and immediately began to jog towards the protection of the bus shelter, when I noticed I was closeby.

As I figured out the route, the bus I needed to take pulled up and I jumped, only noticing it when the doors swung open. Taking a deep breath to calm my shocked heart, I gave a bright smile and entered the bus before showing my bus pass and then taking my usual seat.

My eyes kept darting between google maps and the windows as I kept my beady eyes out for anything that could look remotely like a police station. So when my phone said I needed to get off the bus, I frowned as I took in the buildings around me, none of which sticking out from one another much. 

Of course, I still exited the bus and made my way across the street as I diligently followed google maps, this time with my trusty umbrella as the rain began to fall harder. However, when I reached the location, I paused before the bright, modern exterior with a surprised look, mouth forming an ‘o’ shape.

‘I suppose I shouldn’t be too shocked.’ I recalled, ‘The only police station I had ever seen before was the one in Milton Keynes, and that building was old as hell, much like that entire section of MK…’

I was about to make my way into the building, however, when I bumped into someone as I spaced out. Out of instinct I immediately apologised profusely, however the middle aged man brushed it away as he, too, began to apologise. I shook my head.

“It was my fault.” I finalised before noting he was armed and, therefore, a policeman himself, “I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings, officer.” the man raised a brow at the term before giving a warm chuckle whilst shaking his head, displaying his disagreement, though his lack of words showed that he was agreeing to disagree. After a moment, when we turned away from one another and I was about to enter the building again, I heard him sigh and mumble.

“Damn it’s raining…” I paused before the door before taking a look at my umbrella that I was part way through closing. Looking at the man again, and then back to my umbrella, I shrugged.

‘He needs it more than I do.’ I figured, ‘I have a decent hood and need to buy another umbrella, anyway.’

I cleared my throat, attempting to get his attention, before holding out my umbrella. The man looked back at me, shocked, before looking down at the umbrella before looking back at me with a frown. Before he could say anything, I cut in.

“Here. You can have my umbrella.” I chimed, handing it to the man, who continued to be surprised. When he tried to protest I chuckled, adding, “I’ll be here for a while, so you might as well take it and get some use out of it. I have a hood and the bus stop is only over there .” I motioned with the extended umbrella, which he followed with a heavy frown. Though he said nothing, he also didn’t take the umbrella. After a moment or two I walked closer and put it in his hand for him before stepping back and giving a smile when he tried to give it back. After a few moments, I noticed his tired eyes relax into a soft smile as he accepted my gift.

“Thank you.” he noted aloud, “That’s very kind.” I blinked, somewhat surprised by his warm appreciation. It was enough to make me forget where I was and, for a moment, I felt a nice feeling that wasn’t overshadowed by anxiety or fear as soon as it came.

Quickly I nodded back before waving goodbye and facing back towards the police station once he began to make his way towards his own destination.

Suddenly the pressure of what entering this police station meant to me and my recovery began to crush me, that nice feeling gone within a snap.

‘Well… Third time’s the charm, I guess?’ I begged, biting my lips.

As I tentatively stepped into the building, I realised how unreal it all felt, a feeling that didn’t decline despite the amount of people who were both visibly armed and in uniform confirming that this was, in fact, the police station, had I had any doubt after interacting with the nice man outside. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I began to space out and panic. 

‘It’s okay! I’m not doing it right now, yeah?!’ I breathed, feeling tears starting to attempt an escape, ‘Just breathe, yeah? Remember to use diaphragmatic breathing and counting…’ I gulped, fanning myself and removing my scarf violently as I began to visibly panic.

Looking around, quickly, I noticed a large seating area that was unoccupied and made my way towards there whilst chanting in my head to breathe and try to relax. Once I had sat, I dumped my scarf and bag on the chair and leant back against the wall and closed my eyes as I took deep, controlled breaths and began to count in my head.

‘One…’ I breathed out.

‘Two…’ I breathed in.

‘Three…’ I breathed out. From there I found my mind go blank and as I let out a breath I-

“Hey!” I squealed, jumping in my seat as my eyes shot open, almost headbutting the man who had startled me with both his touch and sudden loudness. Immediately he held his hands out and apologised profusely as I calmed my breathing, though this time for a different reason, with my hand to my chest.

“I didn’t mean to scare you!” he swore, “Are you okay?” I let out an airy breath and nodded slowly.

“Y-yes!” I sighed, slowly falling back into my regular state, even enough to give a small smile, “I was just getting my bearings, you know?” the man looked visibly confused, which made me frown, “What is it?” I begged quietly. The man blinked before rubbing the back of his head, sheepishly.

“I didn’t mean to come across as judging.” I frowned, still unsure what he was talking about, though as he continued to bable, I quickly got my answer, “It’s just, the guard said you had been sitting in the same position for two hours straight and-” my eyes snapped wide open in shock at that, so much so I zoned out, again, though this time from his words.

‘Fuck. Even the aripiprazole isn’t stopping my catatonic dissociation…’ I panicked, ‘Could it need upped…?’  

“...you okay?” I blinked, his question just about registering in my panicked brain as I snapped my eyes back to his figure, actually taking him, along with my surroundings, in.

‘I’m still in the police station.’ I figured, ‘Well, as far as things go, there are definitely worse places for this to have happened…’

“Y-yeah!” I stuttered, shaking my head as I attempted to regain control of myself and my surroundings, “I’m fine!” I stated, rising quickly, “I, just, um…” I chuckled, “I guess I just zoned out for a bit there, huh?” I begged with a sheepish smile as I rubbed the back of my neck. Realising I hadn’t actually apologised, I began to stammer, “Sorry about that and worrying you, uh…”

“Matsuda!” he gave a bold grin before his face fell as he, too, began to stammer, “And it’s not a problem, miss-!”

“Ai.” I interjected with a bright smile, “Nice to meet you, Matsuda-san.” I gave a small bow before adding, “Thanks for checking in on me as I really need to get home.” I gave a sheepish grin, earning a blush and a laugh from the man, who nodded profusely before, waving out to the doors and allowing me past him.

“Yes, right!” he babbled, “I guess I’ll see you whenever.” he finished with a closed-eyed smile, which I naturally returned, nodding.

“Quite!” I chimed, “Bye, Matsuda-san.”

“Yes!” he took a breath, before adding, lowly, “Goodbye, Ai-san.”

And with that I whisked myself away from the station and ran for the bus I very much almost missed and got hit by. As soon as I sat down I gave a heavy exhale as I checked over my phone, seeing missed calls and many texts from Mono, asking where I was and why I hadn’t contacted him.

‘Fuck.’ I cursed, ‘We were supposed to study half an hour ago.’ I groaned, only to curse more as I noticed the time, ‘Let’s hope when I get back he won’t lynch me…!’

It’s somewhat unfortunate that the police station was out of the way instead of on the way from the university back to my flat, but I shrugged it off as half an hour to get over what just happened and to prepare a good alibi for Mono. However, despite that being what I needed to do, I couldn’t stop thinking about the incident at the police station.

‘I was there for two hours without noticing.’ I grumbled, ‘It’s been a while since I had it that bad. I really must be stressed…’ It was then I paused and began to think about what I was going to do. 

‘I wasn’t going there to actually give in a statement - yet, anyway.’ I frowned, ‘And the doc said it might help.’ I shook my head, realising, ‘But ignoring that, surely all I’m doing is directly documenting myself as being present on that bus.

‘That might not be a bad thing. But there’s something weird that happened on that bus that I cannot put my finger on.’ I confessed, biting the skin on my thumb violently as I blindly gazed out the window, ‘And I know Kira can get names and appearance of his victims, at least - things that aren’t always available on the internet without some form of corruption, whether that be from a leak or hacking or something.

‘For all I know, Kira could be a corrupt cop!’ I bit my lip, causing it to bleed as I heard my stop being called out. After taking a deep breath, I grabbed my stuff and rushed out of the bus, thanking the driver, before preparing my keys.

‘I shouldn’t give away anything about myself. Kira probably doesn’t even know I exist, but I can’t risk anything should I ever gain anything of value about him.'

As I began to open my door, I noted the lights were on, and sighed with relief when my gaze met a concerned Mono’s. I immediately gave an apologetic smile.

“Sorry I got held up at university so I ended up visiting the police station much later and it was out of the way.”

‘There is a chance the police didn’t make a note of my name or other contact details on that bus, given they didn’t come to get a report from me. And if that’s the case, I’d rather keep it that way, just in case.’

“You worried me.” he was all he said as he immediately swamped me in a hug, which I returned whilst kicking the door closed. Him being much taller, my head rested on his chest, my glasses fogging and moving out of place slightly as I gave into his tight hold. Still, I didn’t relax as I found myself still frowning in thought.

‘But it wouldn’t hurt to make sure it isn’t there, again, just in case…’ as we parted I quickly gave a small smile before asking if he was still up for some work, which he grinned at.

“Sure thing!” he chimed. I nodded, my facadé dropping when he turned around, slowly following after him as I continued to think. 

‘But how? I’m not sure.’ I chewed my cheek, but gave a small, triumphed smile as I got my books ready and took a seat in the living room as Mono prepared his things, ‘But as long as there’s no picture of me in that report, which there wouldn’t be, Kira wouldn’t be able to connect my real name to me.

‘Should anything happen, I just have to keep up this alias… and hide any visible evidence that I was on that bus.’ I nodded to myself.

“So Korean or Chinese?” I blinked, giving a small smile as I made my choice.

“How about Swedish, instead?” Mono shrugged and nodded.

“Sure, why not?” We shared a cheery smile.

‘Kira, after all, could be anyone , so I need to, just in case…’

Chapter Text

- December 27 -

“ Fuck!” I cried, shooting out of bed and groaning as I pulled my stitches rushing out of bed whilst cursing, “I slept in till three-fucking-o’clock ?! Goddamn fanfiction !” 

Slowing down, slightly, as to prevent a major bleed and a shameful hospital visit for something so stupid, I ran to the bathroom, snatching my medical kit as I went, and peed whilst swapping my bandages out with as much delicacy, and speed, as possible. As hygienic as that was.

From there I ran back into the room and threw on some appropriate clothing - turtleneck and some thick, winter leggings - before rushing to the kitchen. Noting a ‘two’ on my microwave as I passed it, I paused, a heavy frown evident as I looked back at the clock.

“Are you fucking serious…?” I groaned and complained before stomping to the kitchen, angrily, as I got my breakfast ready at a normal rate.

‘I forgot my fucking clock is an hour ahead…’ I anime cried as I ate my cereal, ‘Why is life so cruel… Better yet, why am I so cruel?’

Yesterday was the day I had most of my old stitches and all staples removed. They also noted my bullet wound was healing well and that I should be completely stitches free soon, so I was in good enough of a mood to try out the train today. 

‘Mono did an extra shift at his work this morning and it finishes in an hour.’ I noted, ‘So! Since I need to get used to the public transport, and I am desperate for a drive, I told him I’d meet him at his work and we’d both try and get the underground back instead of the bus.’ I hummed, pausing as I washed my bowl, ‘Besides, I want to get a caramel creamy cooler from Costa as a celebratory treat~!' I practically squealed at the thought.

“I never see Costa nearby.” I pouted, before fist bumping, “So this will be good, as there’s one where he's stationed this shift!”

Humming and singing to myself, I finished drying my dishes before going and collecting my things as I noted it was getting closer and closer to three o’clock. Immediately I began putting on a thicker coat, beanie and a scarf since it was especially cold out, before searching for some gloves, adding them to my attire once they were located. As soon as I left and locked my door, I immediately put my keys away and brought out my phone and put on my headphones. 

‘Fortunately, I know the route to the underground from here.’ I mused, ‘I’ve walked with Mono a few times to prepare for when today would come, so all I have to do is get my ticket and double check the platform, since Mono already told me to get the Yamanote line.’

As soon as I had arrived, I bought my ticket after showing my disabled railcard, and made my way down. However I had to pause for a moment as a huge crowd had gathered around one particular store. Frowning, I forced my way through, trying my best just to get to my line in time, only to freeze as I passed another person, my eyes wide as I saw a man had collapsed and, presumably, died as police and forensics were beginning to zip him up in a body bag and take him away.

I gulped at the sight, the horrid image of Kiichiro Osoreda being hit by a car coming back into my head.

‘I’ve seen more dead bodies in person in the last few weeks I’ve been here than in my entire life!’   I grabbed my head and shook it, forcing the memory out of my mind, ‘Maybe mama was right? This place is a death trap waiting to spring on me!’

After a few deep breaths I shook my head again and began to more roughly shove through the crowd, trying my best to get away from the corpse and towards my train, which at this point felt like a finish line towards safety and comfort. I felt a tear fall as I saw the door open and ran immediately into it and took a seat in front and adjacent to the open doors, breathing heavily.

Immediately I began to focus on my breathing as the train filled up and began to move. I sighed with relief, feeling appropriately far away and counting from the drama I was far too unprepared for today.

Gulping I immediately brought my mask up and over my face to lock in the warmth and give me comfort, taking in my mothers perfume I occasionally spray on clothing and my childhood teddy bear for that exact reason. Taking a deep breath I sighed with relief, panic beginning to slowly drain from my body, and my senses coming back to me.

It was then I gasped in realisation and immediately messaged Mono.

Me: Someone died in the underground station by our flats.

Me: They were taking him away when I got there, but I saw his face.

Me: He looked like he died in pain… 

I gulped, a tear slipping out of my eye at the memory. I sniffled, wiping the tear away aggressively as the realisation that anyone around me could be a criminal dawned upon me. 

‘In all of my years, this is the only time I’ve personally seen someone die.’ I bit my lip , ‘Baring that in mind, at the moment, it’s unlikely that he wasn’t killed by Kira.’

As soon as my phone buzzed, I dived on it, looking for comfort. Even if it wasn’t coming from direct touch, I was desperate for any form of human connection that this would easily suffice, especially knowing I would be seeing, and feel, him in a few hours.

Mono: Jesus Christ I’m so sorry, Ai.

Mono: Are you okay? How are you coping?

Mono: Did you go home? It’s okay if you did.

Mono: In fact I think it might be best for you to not continue and make the journey alone.

I let out a breath as I swallowed, immediately looking around before typing back.

Me: I’m on the train. Should be with you in an hour and a half ish.

Me: I’m okay. I’m coming, still. I want to. I need the break.

Me: If I went home I’d just be stewing in my own thoughts with nothing to do, anyway. Should try and continue with my life with some semblance of normalcy, right? Or else what’s happening will just eat us all up alive.

As I sent the last message I jumped in surprise as my own phone buzzed, Mono having responded clearly before reading my messages.

Mono: Sorry brb. Call.

I sighed, but nodded, even though he couldn’t see it. It was then I looked up and took in my surroundings slightly, becoming bored as nothing terribly interesting stuck out. Pouting, I looked ahead and over to my left, pausing when I saw a man on his laptop, speaking into a walkie-talkie as discreetly as possible. I immediately looked away, but kept an eye on him from the corner of my eyes, curious and bemused by his frantic writing. It was then I noted an envelope and shrugged, figuring he was doing some odd work, though I felt a weird sense of déjà vu the more I looked at him.

‘Have I seen him somewhere before-?’

Mono: Back.

Mono: How far away are you?

I smiled before letting out a puff of air. As I checked my watch I relaxed back into my seat more, crossing my legs as I did.

Me: About an hour and 20ish?

Me: Got on about 20 minutes ago.

Me: How’s work?

And the conversation continued from there for the remainder of the journey. Though I wanted to daydream and just listen to music instead, there was no chance I was getting that luxury until the way back, where I had him as a safety blanket sitting next to me. 

As the doors opened, I saw the strange man ahead of me rise first, so I waited for him to finish before I, too, would get up to leave. However I paused when he put an envelope on the luggage rack and made his way out of the train. 

Like the idiot I was, I was staring at the envelope with confusion, until, from the corner of my eyes, the man collapsed before me. I froze up for a split second, confused. However I quickly snapped myself out of it and immediately ran out of the train before the doors could close, shoving past some guy in a hoodie and beanie, and went to the man, who was clutching at his chest for dear life. 

I quickly realised he was having a heart attack as he fell onto his stomach and began to reach towards the train, desperately. Any attempt I made to turn him over so I could try and start chest compressions, as I had been taught years ago, failed and I found myself struggling against the force generated from this man’s instincts. 

As he fought against me, I felt deep concern and almost fear for this man’s life, but allowed my gaze to follow his hand. However all I saw was a blur of grey, black and orange inside the window of the grey and green train, leaving me baffled and concerned.

I shook my head roughly.

‘It doesn’t matter right now.’ I resolved, ‘I can go back over this later; this man, however, has no time for me to be thinking about it right now!’  

As the man began to go limp, I sprung into action, forcibly shoving him over with as much strength as I could muster. The motion was heavy enough I felt some of my remaining stitches complain, but I ignored it. I had finally got him onto his back and I immediately began chest compressions.

“One…” I breathed, forcing my entire weight into the heels of my hands whilst also trying my best not to rip my stitches, I pushed, again and again and again.

“... seventeen…” I looked around frantically as I noted people watching and recording. But no one was calling an ambulance. 

“Oi!” I snarled at one of the girls who was recording, “You! Yeah, you! ” I glared, “Call a fucking ambulance you fucking moron!” 

The girl immediately fumbled with her phone, shocked by my outburst, but did as requested whilst I shook my head.

‘If I didn’t specify her to do it, no one would have done it.’ my glare hardened, ‘Humans suck.’

I could vaguely make out what she was saying on the phone, and only relinquish my interest once I noted she hadn’t said anything stupid. That being said, I couldn’t pay complete attention as I was and needed to be completely focused on making sure his airways were open as I tilted his head back and lifted his chin slightly. 

“ ... thirty! ” with that I covered his nose and took a deep breath before blowing into his lungs twice, before going back to compressions.

‘It’s a heart attack!’ I noted, ‘Which suggests Kira.’

“... nine…!” I breathed heavily, my body getting weak and sore under the demand, but I kept going strong.

‘Either way - criminal or not - he’s not dying on me!’

After a few more counts my brow began to form a sweat and I, again, I gave mouth-to-mouth twice with deep breaths, before moving back to the chest compressions, pushing his blazer away further. However I found myself taking in a deep breath as his ID fell out of his pocket and opened, showing the man’s FBI ID.

‘Raye Penber…’ I frowned, though as the dots connected in my mind, my eyes snapped open, wide, my actions floundering for a split second under the shock wave that just went through my body.

‘It’s him…!’ I gulped, ‘The man from the bus! The FBI agent and the other man who stayed with me up to the ambulance!’ I shook my head, feeling a tear fall down my cheek and onto the man’s shirt, visibly staining it. 

‘No… he doesn’t deserve this!’ I shook my head violently, ‘Raye! I’m not going to let you die! I will bring you back from Kira’s control!

‘Kira…’ I snarled, ‘I will find you!’

It was then that I felt hands on my shoulder. However, not caring who it was, I shook my head and shoved the hands off me roughly with my shoulder as I leaned back over Raye, not allowing my hands to leave his chest as I continued compressions. 

“You can’t die on me! You need to fight against Kira!” I panted, my full attention back on the chest compressions as a new found energy spread through me, “You hear me, Raye?!” I cried, my compressions getting rougher and harder, as though that might make any difference to the situation.

I desperately pumped, tears forming and falling as I began to cry. It was then, presumably, whomever had tapped me before, came into view. I didn’t look, but could tell from the corner of my eyes that it was a police officer. I shook my head at him as he rested his hand on my shoulder as another police officer came over and took his pulse on his neck. I immediately wiped away my tears and snot before taking a deep breath and giving him mouth-to-mouth again, twice, hiccuping as I attempted to go back to chest compressions. However, the police officer took this opportunity to try and interject, putting his arm around my front, gently, as he tried to lead me away. I shook my head violently.

“No!” I begged, “Please! He can’t just die like this!” I heard a light sigh from the police officer ahead of me, who appeared to be giving me a sympathetic look, but I couldn’t tell through my tear-soaked glasses. 

As I tried to go back to the compressions, the police officer’s grip tightened, attempting to, again, gently pull me back. Of course, I fought, but at this point I hardly had the energy to contend with him, as it slowly dawned on me that he had been dead since I rolled him over. 

I hiccupped and sniffed as I attempted to stop the tears, feeling embarrassed, scared and out of it, especially as the paramedics came, almost immediately checking for heart activity with presumably some form of cardiac monitor. As they began to remove their device, that’s when I gave in, because I knew that meant he was completely gone.

I couldn’t help the new wave of tears and unregulated sniffles and cries that came from me when I noted that they were pronouncing his time of death. However, I allowed the policeman to pull me away from the body, crawling back alongside him as he did, before slumping, all energy having left me as I attempted to take deep breaths, mentally and physically exhausted. 

The policeman stayed crouched by me, though he moved ahead of me as he attempted to hide the body with his own, apologising as he did. I couldn’t really make out his words, but after a few minutes I concluded that he was beginning to try and get a response from me. 

As the police officer was called to the side by the second police officer from earlier, I lost control. 

“Sorry…” I noted that the police heard me and turned to look at me, “I need to get out of here.” Shaking my head, I rose up and ran as fast as I could towards the exit, shoving through the crowd roughly and unapologetically, as I made my way towards the closest thing I had to home at that moment: Mono, who was at his work. The police officers were startled by this and called after me, however I was certain they didn’t follow. 

‘After all, they themselves were sure it was a Kira incident, so what’s the point in stopping the only person who tried to save him?’ I shook my head, ‘It isn’t Kira. It can’t be. I must just be seeing things! Like that time in the London underground! When I saw all those people who kept trying to smother me!’ I nodded, tears making it hard to see, though my pace never slowed.

I don’t know how long it took me to get to Mono and I don’t remember the journey well, if at all. However, I do vaguely remember falling into the station and collapsing as Mono was coming back from presumably another call. I remember him sliding to my side and helping me up as he pulled me into the back and began to comfort me, rocking me in a cuddle whilst saying things I couldn’t hear over my own breathing and heartbeat. 

At some point we left and got the bus instead of the train, making our two hour journey back to our flats. I know I put music on, but anything I recall feels like light and airy, silent stills that had been put together so poorly that the images jerk, some missing altogether and others lingering for longer.

‘Delayed and stuttering meets frozen and stuck.’

I don’t remember much else. Apparently Mono learnt what happened partially by call from the other PCs as well as some from me whilst we were on the bus and after we arrived home, though this is completely blank for me. He stated I had regressed into my child-like state and once he told me to go to bed, I did. 

Right now, I’ve just woken up from my ‘nap’ and am staring at the ceiling in a slight daze. My head felt completely void of thoughts, though I tried so desperately to think; my head rarely ever this empty and when it is, it’s hardly a good sign.

It was dark outside by the time I was able to move at all. From there it took somewhere between a few minutes to a few hours for me to actively sit up in my bed. As I did, I noted that my backpack was right next to me, on the right. 

Without thought, I immediately opened it and brought out the white book full of ideas. And I began to read.

Or space out. Depends on your definition.

A lot of the words felt alien, some making my head hurt from thinking too hard as I attempted to remember it. Of course, I recognised all of them, though they felt as common as my communication with my distant cousins - that is to say, not.

Despite not quite feeling right, I had a deep urge to write down what happened today. Everything I could remember. Everything I thought leading up till right now. 

So I did. I wrote and wrote till I felt satisfied. Now I wasn’t just empty, but also complete. 

It was then I felt grateful that the complete feeling overtook the empty, and I was able to rest peacefully for the remainder of the night.

Chapter Text

- December 28 -

Though I had slept through the remainder of yesterday as well as the entire night with limited wakefulness, I still managed to sleep in till the afternoon. In fact, despite the ample rest, when I realised my clock was still an hour ahead, I couldn’t even muster up the energy to groan, settling for a quiet, though heavy, sigh.

As I rose up I yelped lightly, feeling something stick in my thigh. As I felt for it, I frowned at my white notebook dangling on the edge of the bed. It was then I realised, as I picked up the perpetrator, that it was my pen and I had written something before I went to bed. 

Though I was curious as to what, I concluded self care was more important and that I needed to eat something and wake up before looking at it.

‘Besides, I should prepare myself.’ I noted as I stood and stretched, ‘With a psychotic break such as yesterday, whatever I put is likely to be triggering…’

Baring that in mind, I spent the next few hours eating breakfast and snacks whilst watching some comfort TV. However, the more I started to almost ‘wake up’ from my dissociative daze, the more I struggled to just sit and relax. 

‘It was so real…’ I frowned, ‘That man dying… I thought it was really happening…’  

I gulped at the memory. Though it was iffy, I could still see him falling and the distinct way his face seemed to be frozen in place, in the same look he held as he died in my hands. I remember the police and I remember running as though it was for dear life. 

‘I don’t remember anything else.’ I realised, ‘Just him, me and the police. I don’t remember even getting off the train. It was like I just teleported by his side…’ I shook my head, attempting to let go of the thoughts, but something niggled at me in a way I didn’t like. 

Fed up, I gave in and fished for my book, turning the news on as I did. However, as I started to search for the page I had written in, I froze.

“-strikes again. As mentioned yesterday two more young men were added to the list of victims by the person of which we all refer to as Kira.” I blanked at those words. My mouth refused to be still as it opened and closed in shock. I must have looked like a fish, my gaze unwavering from the TV.

“Though one of the men remains unidentified, the other was clarified this morning to be Yonegoro Nusumi, a man who was recently acquitted from several rape charges, each from different women, due to a lack of evidence.” As soon as I saw the face of the man I had passed being wheeled away in a body bag, I felt sick. 

‘It wasn’t a psychotic break…’ I shakily concluded, ‘Which means that Raye Penber did die. The FBI agent died.’ I bit my lip, shaking my head as I attempted to pull myself together so as to prevent another break down. 

As though I were on a time constraint I snatched at the notebook I had kept and sped through the pages in search for my latest entry. I was desperate for answers and with the lack of details my memory was providing, I hoped to high hell that this entry held something of use, and not just a child-like recount of feelings or something else equally as useless to the case.

Trains are scary. I’ve been on trains a lot, but these trains are different. I haven’t been on a train at my age alone. Plus, everyone is dressed all fancy and look super serious. I don’t like serious, not like this.

I was about to skip ahead when I saw the next line, which was the only thing that kept my attention on this particular part of the writing.

There was one man that was particularly strange, though. He had a brief case just like my daddy, so I thought he was a contractor, just like daddy. But he had a weird phone-like thing in his pocket he kept talking into. First he talked into the thingy and said something about twelve people in teams of four. I don’t know who he was talking to, but because I saw the walkie talkie, then I thought he was a spy and thought he was super cool. 

It’s rude to stare, so I didn’t look at him the whole time. But I did keep looking back.

After a few moments from his answer, he opened the envelope and there were lots of plain pieces of paper, though I only saw that when he put them on his lap. I thought maybe he has special contact lenses that lets him see special writing or something.

After a few moments he began to write something at the top and then he took out his laptop. From there, he looked quite shocked, which was surprising because he had been so calm since I saw him. 

After a few moments, he began to write much more down, copying things from his laptop and covering every part of the pages. I wondered if it was a list of hitmen that he had to take down, or a list of people he had to save, and that he had an earpiece that his superior was talking to him through, which was why he kept pausing awkwardly before doing things. I then wondered if he was new and that this was one of his first missions! 

I couldn’t help but wish him luck in my head.

He stopped doing things for a while, after putting the envelope up where the bags usually go just before we left the train, so I decided to look out the window and listen to my music. It was really fun because some of the clouds looked a bit like things I had seen before.

I skipped ahead, noting that I had started to write down all the animals and various things I was able to make out at that point in time. 

‘Young me has an amazing memory…’ I observed before deadpanning, ‘I probably still would if I wasn’t so out of it constantly.’

It was time to get off the train, but there were lots of people, so I waited. Whilst I did, the spy man began to leave without his envelope. It confused me, and made me wonder if he had forgotten. I was about to tell him about it, but then I realised he must have been doing business with another spy! I thought it was so cool that it was happening to me! 

But then the man fell over, outside the train. It took me a bit of time to realise he was in danger. I was taught CPR at school and by my friend, so I knew what to do to the man. I even shoved past someone in a grey and orange hoodie and black beanie hat without saying sorry, which I feel bad for.

But when I went to him he turned onto his tummy, which meant I couldn’t reach his chest. I tried to turn him over, but I was too weak. He kept stretching his hand out to the train, but when I looked up all I saw was the blur of the man I had bumped into and the train as it moved.

I immediately pushed on his chest. When I reached thirty, I blew air into his lungs whilst holding his nose closed. Then I saw his badge and I almost stopped pushing on his chest, because I was right! He was with the FBI!

It was then I realised he was the man on the bus who was nice to me when I was hurt! Which means he must definitely be a good man who is fighting the baddies like Kira!

I know that FBI agents are super important, especially with a killer like Kira on the loose. So I had to save him.

I think I did about three or four amounts of thirty presses altogether before the police came. I was getting sad and tired because the man wasn’t responding and I didn’t know why. Eventually the doctors came and said he had died. 

I cried and cried and cried. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like a failure. 

So I ran to Mono. Mono told me I did a good job when I told him what happened, but it didn’t make me feel better because the man was still dead. 

I couldn’t save him. And now we’re all going to die because of Kira, because I used to steal things because Cornelius said it was okay. 

I have to find Kira and bring him to justice! Not to just save other people, but to save the friends I created in my head. They didn’t ask to be put in my body, and they don’t deserve to die because of me and Cornelius liking bad things.

I blinked as I noted tears had begun to fall from my eyes and onto the last page. I wasn’t sure what part sealed the deal in the form of floods of tears, but I knew smol me, as I call her, was correct - they don’t deserve to die. 

‘Kira won’t come after me because of what smol me said; I was never caught, never mind prosecuted.’ I bit my lip, ‘However, that FBI agent died, which only solidifies my theory that he was following Kira, given the method of death.’ I let out a shaky breath.

“If Kira finds out who I am, either through any information I give the police, or based on having been at two major events in relation to Kira, then I am at a huge risk…” After a few moments I had made my choice.

‘I’m already at risk for being at the wrong place at the wrong time, so I might as well continue as I am.’ I concluded, before asserting, ‘Because no one really deserves to die. Not like this.’ with a firm nod. 

Quickly I got out an A4 piece of plain paper and began to scribble what I knew in three separate categories: bus and train before adding a line underneath them all, writing adjacent to them, the last category: conclusion.

I started with the first category, as I began to contemplate everything I had written in the notebook.

‘I now know that Raye Penber was most likely watching either Kira, a Kira suspect or someone related to Kira in one way or another.’ I declared, concluding, ‘Therefore it was likely that Kira wasn’t just on the train, but also on that bus…’

“But he didn’t kill that criminal-” I blinked, hand coming to my mouth as realisation coloured my understanding, “But he did die.” I frowned, looking down at my notebook sharply.

“Assuming Kira was the cause of his death, and therefore meaning Kira could decide the method of death,” I took a deep breath, “Kira deliberately chose him to die in an accident-like scenario…?

“Why not just kill him with a heart attack?” I frowned, jotting down my questions in the white notebook, which was acting as my scrap paper for workings out, before I could make semi-final conclusions onto the paper. I began to hesitate, unsure what I was missing, but sure I was onto something.

“Raye ended up dying on the train. Kira obviously either needed something from Raye-” I slapped myself, “ That man! He gave a man his ID! That’s how I found out there was an FBI agent on the bus at all .” I immediately began to fidget, my leg tapping against the floor as the thoughts and understanding came in thick and fast. 

“Which means that man presumably had his name, now along with his face.” I murmured, lying back against the sofa as I fiddled with a pen, “Was that man Kira, maybe?” I sat up, glaring at nothing in particular as I grew somewhat confused, hunching over as I rested my arms on my knee and my chin on my interconnected hands. 

‘It’s possible that Kira wasn’t on the train, and killed him after giving himself some time to reduce the likelihood for anyone to pin the blame on him by not killing him as soon as he found out his name and face, as that would be notably suspicious.’ I mused, biting my tongue a few times before adding with a head tilt, ‘ That , or he needed something from Raye, which means the opposite is true - that he was likely on the train.

‘After all, Raye was reaching out to someone as he died.’ I let out a puff of air as I jotted my rambles down, thinking as I went, ‘That could be coincidental - maybe he mistook them for someone he knew, or he was just reaching out in hope as he died. But it would also make sense that Kira was on that train, and that’s who he was reaching out to.’

“After all,” I tapped my pen’s end against my paper for a moment, “he left an envelope on the train. That’s quite weird, considering the walkie talkie - otherwise I would have just thought he had forgotten it…” I frowned, raising a brow before adding a question mark next to my writing, mumbling, “Unless that’s what he was told to do, for that very reason…?” I gave a humph and blew out some air before reclining back in my seat, staring up at my ceiling for a few moments.  

“It’s a long shot,” I began out of the blue and not even sure where I, myself, was going, “but what if Kira had apprehended him? Blackmailed him into giving Kira whatever it was he wanted, and when he was done with him, killed him to remove any loose ends?” I hummed, tapping my lip. 

“But what about the other man who died?” I blinked, looking around as I calibrated in my head whose voice that was as they continued, “Was that coincidental? That he was right there?” I relaxed as I noted it to be Amelia. I smiled, noting we hadn’t talked in a while, but listened diligently as she continued, “After all, Raye got on the exact same train as us, from the exact same station - didn’t he get on right before we did?” I hummed in agreement.

“Indeed, he did.” I confirmed as I considered her input with curiosity, “Going on your theory, it might even be possible that he killed the rapist in order to prove that he was Kira.”

“And from there, threatened him to go along with his wishes?” she hummed, “Maybe Kira gave him the envelope, as a means to get whatever it was he wanted from Raye without any trace, say as there would be through emails and the like.” I blinked, nodding slowly as I processed her words.

‘I hadn’t thought quite that ahead on that point,’ I conceded, ‘But she’s right.’

“Also,” she began again, bringing my attention back to her, my eyes darting towards the empty space she occupied in my mind, “If Kira was on the train, and was the man that Raye reached towards, then then you bumped into Kira as you left the train.”  I gulped, cringing at the idea, before confirming her point aloud.

“In other words,” I began, “We know Kira is a man, taller than I by a fair amount, and likely owns a grey and orange hoodie and black beanie.”

Hearing no further ideas from ‘Mia, I immediately wrote out my findings, which, as I read over them, I felt satisfied.

~ Raye Penber was watching Kira, a Kira suspect or a suspect related to Kira

~ Raye was pointing towards the doors as he died; his killer?

~ I saw the same colours in the same arrangement when I looked back at the train doors as I did to the man I walked into.

~ This was who Raye was looking at

~ If so, Kira was on the train the whole time

~ I had touched Kira

~ If so, Kira had worn a grey and orange hoodie and black beanie. Hits is a man taller than 5' 5"

‘Short but blunt, just as they need to be.’ I approved, though looking back over them made me pause for a moment. I begin to contemplate Raye’s behaviour on the train, once again, with a deep frown. Almost instantly, I found myself flicking through the notebook for the millionth time before going back over and re-analysed the diary entry, scrutinising anything related to Raye’s actions. 

‘Raye seemed as normal as I could possibly imagine, given I don’t know him personally.’ I mused, ‘But that being said, he only seemed to act on movements after long pauses.’ I stretched, body sore and aching as I attempted to bring blood supply back to my legs by standing. From there I found myself pacing slowly around my coffee table, messily but controlled as I let my legs move in an arc ahead of the other.

“ After all, he came on with an envelope, of which he left on the train before leaving, and, on it, were scribbles that required him to pay attention to his laptop directly-’

“Maybe smol me was right.” I cursed, “There was two-way communication, which, undoubtedly, would require Kira to be nearby and, therefore, on that train.” I bit my lip, putting my hands in my pockets as my pace turned less silly and faster, “After all, Kira needed something from Raye; why else would he bother risking his cover being blown?’ I paused, falling onto the sofa with some heavy words.

‘Damn.’ I cursed again, ‘I should have grabbed that envelope…’

Pushing that useless thought aside, I grabbed my notebook and began to scribble my own ideas down, again, as I continued to speak aloud.

“All of that aside,” I stressed, bitterly, “the only thing that Raye mentioned was about other people, specifically twelve people in teams of four.” I raised a brow, “The only thing he could possibly be referring to, that would also interest Kira, are other agents, FBI or otherwise.” I leant back, a small smirk adorning my lips, “I would imagine that that might put a fire under your ass.

“After all, clearly one FBI agent was troubling enough; imagine having a whole gaggle of them interfering in your life? I don’t think he had any choice but to be so bold.” I laughed. 

However, after a moment I paused mid-laugh, my features falling into a firm frown. 

‘If Raye had this information, then maybe Kira knew he did and was using him to get to the other agents?’ I shook my head, ‘Why the hell would Raye have that information in the first place-’ I practically choked on my saliva as a possibility dawned on me, forcing my heart to skip a beat, ‘How did he find out that he was being followed by an FBI agent in the first place? Maybe he already knew there were other agents, just not enough details to kill-’ I cursed, loudly.

“He’s going to kill the twelve agents…” I shook my head, dragging my hand over my face as I gave a shaky breath, “Man, Kira is well informed.” I let my hands fall, my gaze becoming glued to my notebook as my eyes fell down from looking at the wall ahead of me. I gulped.

‘Either he’s got some access to police records, or has someone who is leaking it for him, because the FBI is about as secretive as it gets.’ I paused, frowning as I demurred, ‘Even if he was on the inside, somehow, even by proxy, surely the police would know… right?’ I groaned, head falling into my hands again as I took that notebook back into my hands and wrote my latest thoughts back into the book, adding my final questions to the conclusion section.

~ Raye acted weird on the train

~ Raye spoke into a receiver, mentioning ‘twelve people in teams of four’

~ Kira already knew about these people, but not enough to do anything about them - motive?

~ Raye must have also had some way to listen to the person on the other end of the receiver 

~ Raye wrote something down before then copying something from his laptop.

~ Raye left the envelope, with the papers he was writing on and the receiver, on the train.

~ Raye died by heart attack

~ What happened to the envelope? Did Kira collect it after Raye left and died?

~ What did Kira want from Raye before he killed him? Something around other people, maybe other agents?

~ Kira needs names and a face to kill, if not also a birthdate and possibly blood type; what use would information on the agents be without any photographs? Could Raye be some sort of medium? Act as a proxy? Did Raye know this?

I couldn’t figure out anymore surrounding the train issues after that. In fact, I almost called it a day - but then I thought back to my earlier thoughts relating to the bus journey and how that criminal died, a heavy frown playing on my features.

‘Kira needed something from Raye, that much is obvious. But he needed something else before he could move to the step that involved the train station.’ my brows furrowed. Confused, I decided to stand and count out what I knew about the bus.

“There was an FBI agent on the bus.” I counted as one, adding a second finger for two as I took a few more steps, “That turned out to be Raye Penber.” I frowned, brain ticking as I slowly added a third finger and counted to three, “But Raye didn’t announce himself. He showed his ID to someone when they asked for proof that he wasn’t involved in the bus jacking-

“Oh my God was that Kira?” I gaped, “Did Kira plan the whole thing just to coax Raye’s name from him?!” I shook my head, “Surely that’s too much to achieve, even for Kira?”

“Why not?” I frowned, raising a brow to motion for her to continue her point, which she did.

“He was so bold on the train and that was only the second act; in order to get to that part, he had to do something in order to get the information he needed. How else would he be able to carry out his plan if he didn’t take chances and begin to explore his options?” I nodded along, humming as I bit my lip.

“‘Exploring’ is definitely the right word.” I echoed, “Because I’m not convinced even he understands the extent to which he is capable. Yet, anyway.” I gulped, adding into my notebook, ‘Kira is experimenting with his power, learning what he is and isn’t capable of. Will require a keener eye whilst looking into which deaths are potentially related.’

From there, I moved back over to the bus section, finishing it - for now, at least.

~ Raye Penber was the FBI agent on the bus

~ He showed his ID to someone on that bus, and it was a man.

~ Kira was on the bus. 

~ Was the ‘man’ Kira? How else would Kira have gotten Raye’s identity? 

~ He needed Raye’s name at the very least to kill him on the train.

~ FBI ID would, at best, have the name and face. Meaning that Kira doesn't need anything more than a name and face to kill

I began to add, on a separate string of thought, back in the white notebook, underneath what I had just written about Kira’s experimental killings:

~ Kiichiro Osoreda hijacked the bus, had a hallucination that made him run out of the bus and was then hit by a car and killed.

~ Kira knew this was going to happen, using it to aid him in getting Raye’s identity.

~ This means Kiichiro Osoreda knew Kira and planned the attack with him, or, alternatively, Kira had some form of control over Kiichiro Osoreda that forced him to do what Kira had planned.

~ From there, Kiichiro Osoreda’s mode of death: accident, was chosen.

~ Therefore, Kira can choose not just who dies, but how and possibly when.

At that point I was spent. My brain felt like mush and I knew I wasn’t getting any more out of it for at least the rest of the day. 

Pushing all thoughts of Kira out of the window, I concentrated on things I needed to get done besides this and, then, anything I wanted to do for fun. Studying, of course, was included in the things I needed to do, along with uploading a new song on my Youtube, in order to continue to generate income. From there, however, I was free to do as I pleased. So I went onto draw and write whilst listening to TV and eating some instant noodles.

A simple but pleasant evening to a mentally strainful day.

‘Exactly what I needed.’

Chapter Text

- January 1 -

After days of stewing in my own thoughts surrounding the Kira case, I concluded I couldn’t keep this information to myself any longer. I had to go to the police and try to get a hold of anyone of whom might work specifically under L or in that area of the police. With this idea in mind, I made sure to wake up early after having double checked their opening time.

‘I have my therapy appointment later.’ I figured, ‘The station is out of the way, but once I’m there, the hospital is en route towards my flat, so I might as well go there first.’  

With a puff of air, I locked up and left, waiting only for the bus once I had arrived at the bus stop. Once I got on the bus and I arrived at the outside of the police station, I promptly left the bus and made my way into the station, wasting as little time as possible.

However, once I entered I felt the anxiety that had been slowly creeping up on me, reach a peak, having to pause for a moment in case I might vomit. Fortunately, I didn’t, and with a few controlled diaphragmatic breaths, I continued forward in the direction of the reception. I noticed a woman in black hair sigh and walk away as I arrived. Despite the desk being void of another person with an inquiry, I waited for the receptionist to motion for me to come forward. Once he nodded, however, I got straight to the point as I stood closer.

“Hi, um…” I almost floundered, but forced the lump in my throat away by clearing my throat, “Is it at all possible for me to be able to speak to someone regarding the Kira investigation?” I begged, shifting uncomfortably when the black haired woman looked over at me. I let my tone drop to a quieter one, her attention making me physically uneasy, “I think I have some important information that could be incredibly helpful to the case.” the man sighed, making me frown lightly.

“Sorry, but I’m afraid no one is here from the task force at the moment.” he noted with a tired look before picking up the phone on his desk, “However, since you’re not the only one asking, I’ll call again to make sure.” I blinked, surprised by his words, but quickly thanked him and bowed gently before motioning that I would be at the seating area. 

If I thought I was apprehensive about coming in here in the first place, it was significantly worse when I took a look at the empty seat that I had ‘zoned out’ on days ago. With a gulp, however, I forced that down and gently took a seat, a heavy sigh playing on my features as I checked the time. I bit my lip.

‘Baka.’ I scolded myself, ‘ It hadn’t even occurred to me that none of the members would be here when I was.’ I let out a puff of air before shrugging, ‘Still, I have some time; let’s hope they’re available within the hour.’

“Excuse me.” I blinked, a small, but silent gasp escaping as I looked up and at my right, only half surprised to see that black haired woman from before standing and looking down at my sitting figure, “Sorry to do this out of the blue,” she began with something akin to an apologetic smile, “but I overheard your conversation just now.” I blinked again, nodding slowly as I waited for her to get to the point of her inquiry, which didn’t take long, “I, too, have something I want to share with the task force.”

That held my interest, and suddenly her bold but tentative behaviour made perfect sense. Immediately I looked around before turning towards her whilst moving over to make space for her to sit. However, though I was sure she caught on, she shook her head.

“Not here.” she noted as she began looking around, “We have to be careful of who hears us.” I frowned, but nodded in agreement. Immediately I rose as she began to lead me to the toilets. However she cursed when the disabled one was locked. When she turned back to walk into the ladies, I shook my head, telling her no, before bringing out my raydar key and unlocking the toilet. She looked somewhat surprised at this and I wasn’t convinced she’d enter, so I elaborated.

‘After all,’ I rationalised, ‘we would need to trust each other, and if I tell her about me, she might tell me about her; I need to be able to trust her, too, after all.’

“Um, I’m disabled.” I gave a small smile, “I have several conditions. One is ehlers-danlos.” When she looked confused at the name, I continued, “It’s a connective tissue disorder, so it affects every part of my body. I’m hypermobile but I can also easily dislocate joints and tear muscles, tendons and ligaments.” as if by destiny, as I opened the door, my thumb made a loud pop noise as it slipped out of place. I cringed slightly, pulling back away from the door as my other hand encased my dislocated thumb. The woman looked somewhat mortified, though I only chuckled.

“Like that.” I chimed, only to cringe lightly as I forced my thumb back into the socket by combining forcing my thumb to make gentle waving motions whilst using my other hand to apply pressure against the joint with growing force over time. Eventually, with more of a snap-pop this time, it slid back into the socket and I waved my hand out whilst moving the fingers gently. I gave a sheepish grin.

“Don’t worry, it happens a lot. I just have to be careful in using it for a few days or so.” I noted before going to open the door again. However, the woman was faster as she grabbed it first with a small smile.

“I think I’ll try it this time.” as she opened the door I gave a light laugh.

‘I think she trusts me more.’  

I nodded in agreement before following her into the toilet. Immediately I closed the toilet lid and took a seat, which she didn’t question, as she locked the door from the inside before turning to me. For a moment I felt a bit awkward as I was unsure what to say, but then after a few moments she broke the silence.

“My name is Shoko Maki.” I blinked, nodding. However when she didn’t continue, I realised she was waiting for me to share my name.

“Oh!” I stammered before smiling, “I’m Ai. Kedakai Ai.” Unsure where to go, I raised a brow at her before begging, “if you don’t mind my asking,” I waited for her to nod, which was kurt and quick, so I continued, “how are you related to the case?”

“I was going to ask something similar.” she chuckled, making me blink.

“Well I can go first, if you want?” I interjected, tilting my head slightly. The woman gave me an unreadable look, presumably studying me, before nodding slowly, with a hint of curiosity playing on her features. I internally shrugged.

“I have no real relation to the case through personal contacts or anything,” I clarified, “But I was on the bus during the hijacking.” Shoto looked visibly stunned at this before immediately frowning.

“Really?” she begged, looking up and down my body. I quickly caught on before slowly removing my top, mentally thanking myself for wearing a bra. Though she was initially shocked by my sudden decision, her interest quickly peaked as she noted the bandages and stitches present, taking particular interest in the gunshot wounds. Immediately I pointed at them.

“One went right through and the other is still in there.” I noted, before beaming, “Did you know they don’t often take them out unless it's necessary?” I grinned, “I thought it was so cool, though it might be a problem for MRIs in the future…” I realised with concern as I put my top back on before mumbling, “Still that’s a problem for future me, I guess…” 

“I believe you.” she clarified, which made me relax slightly, especially as she appeared to relax herself slightly. However, as she began to speak, I quickly realised she was ready to boil over, presumably from keeping her information to herself for so long.

“My husband was an FBI agent.” I gasped, hand over my mouth as I shook my head.

“I’m so sorry.” I looked away, memories flooding back as I tentatively continued, “Was his name Raye Penber?” the woman’s gaze darkened as she nodded. I bit my lip before reaching out to her, placing my hand on her arm, making her look up at me. I shook my head, sad and apologetic look on my face as I began to cry.

“I really tried to save him.” at this she looked stunned, but I couldn’t hold back my tears, “I really thought he would make it. I just-” I hiccupped, before trying to regain my composure. After a few deep breaths I gave an apologetic smile, “I guess however it is that Kira does this, it’s irreversible, even with intervention.”

We shared a few silent moments, most of which caused my anxiety to spike over time as I wondered if I had been too brash. However, when she came over and hugged me, I froze. It was only when I heard her sniffle, I snapped out of it, slightly, and felt unsure what to do.

“I was told a stranger tried to help him, but that you left before they could get your name.” she whispered, “I didn’t think I would be able to have this moment to thank you.” immediately I relaxed and hugged her back, tight, my own tears flooding.

“Don’t thank me. I couldn’t save him.”

“You tried, which is more than anyone else did.” She pulled away and gave a kind, though sad, smile, “We both have to be cautious, but given what you did and what you went through, I feel I can genuinely trust you.” I felt my cheeks flush at that, feeling honoured and grateful. I felt a tear leave my eye.

“Yeah, me, too.” I gave an airy laugh, “You don’t know quite how good it feels to be able to talk to someone else about this. Telling my friends would only risk their safety and, besides, they have no real understanding of what has happened with Kira. Not like you and I, anyway.” Maki nodded.

“It’s quite heavy, isn’t it?” she admitted, “But I suppose it’s necessary.” her look solidified, completely gaining my full attention, “At this point, Kira is everyone’s enemy, so we all have to do what we can to try and put a stop to it.” I silently gasped, but immediately nodded, my own features solidifying.

“Definitely.” I confirmed, “That’s why I came here today. I just couldn’t keep these ideas to myself any longer, even if it meant my life. 

“If you’ll excuse my bluntness,” I added quickly, “What is it you know?” Maki, surprisingly, didn’t hesitate in her answer, speaking equally as bluntly.

“Raye showed his FBI badge to someone on that bus.” I nodded, agreeing.

“It was a man. I never saw what he looked like, but I overheard his voice.” I frowned, scratching my cheek, “I would be lying if I said I could identify it, thought. Even for a regular person that situation was downright terrifying, but for me? I think I dissociated the entirety of the time and, as a result, remember very little.”

“This is the only way Kira could have gotten his badge.” I nodded, “Which means that Kira was on that bus.”

“There’s more to it than that, though.” I mentioned before getting out my book and showing her the paper I had written up, “Look here.” I directed towards the train, “After what happened on the train, I dissociated, so I have some form of amnesia about that day. But -” I looked up, regaining her attention, “-when I dissociate, I often switch to other personalities or people in my head in order to cope. In this case, I regressed into a child form of me.

“She wrote down the entire day as a diary entry in here, and it’s almost a reenactment of what happened on the train in excruciating detail.” immediately I opened the book to the right page and shoved it in front of her, making her jump though she quickly took it.

“He was talking to someone…” she muttered, “Raye didn’t leave with any receiver or earpiece, so he must have run into someone on the way.” I nodded.

“That’s not just it, look here-” I directed to the next part of the entry, “He wrote one thing down on the paper, as directed, presumably, and then had to wait. From there, he received or already had something on his laptop and then copied down whatever it was onto these pages. Then he left them on the train.

“Had I not been paying attention the whole time, I would’ve thought he had simply forgotten them.” she nodded.

“You’re right - he was directed to leave these there, which means…” she looked anxious as I confirmed her thoughts with a nod.

“Not only was Kira there,” I began, sniffling at the memory, “but as I ran to help Raye, I bumped into someone. As I was trying to help Raye, he was relentlessly reaching out to someone on the train - it was the same person.” I cursed, “Unfortunately, I only saw his clothes when I bumped into him and by the time I had thought to look up the train was moving. But I do know he was taller than me and wearing a black beanie and grey and orange hoodie - here.” I opened the page and showed her the outfit, which I had drawn. She looked surprised by the detail, eyes lingering on the size scale I had drawn, using my own body as a reference and, therefore, suggesting Kira was between 5’ 7” and 6’ 1”, but didn’t comment on it directly.

“That’s really useful.” she noted, nodding at me, “You’ve done a really good job.” I blinked, looking up before giving a modest smile.

“Thank you…” 

“So, the reason I am here,” she began, opening up, “is because, as we’ve both established, Kira was on that bus, but also,” she looked up at me with a serious look, “I think Kira can choose the method of death.” I blinked, but quickly nodded.

“I suspected the same thing…” I nodded, biting my lip, “Only I’m not sure if this is enough evidence-”

“There were four other deaths in the area on the day of the bus hijacking.” she interjected, making me gasp at Maki’s reveal, looking down at the ground for a moment as I thought aloud.

“Kira?”

“I am almost certain. These were different, though.” I blinked, confused, but motioned for her to continue. 

“Three did things before they died of a heart attack, the other three dying by heart attack. I think it was Kira and that he was using them as test subjects.” I gulped.

“Are you suggesting that Kira can manipulate people up until their death?” I begged, earning a sharp nod. I sighed, nodding.

“I, too, came to a similar conclusion…” she nodding for me to elaborate at my hesitation, which I did, “But when I wrote here -” I pointed at the correct part of the chart, “-that ‘Kira had 'some form of control over Kiichiro Osoreda', I didn't mean that literally; I meant blackmail, not magic.

“But you’re right. This is something beyond any scope of ‘normal’, so we must not let our understanding of the world completely bias the conclusion.”

“So I’m going to be frank with what I’m about to say, as I need to know your thoughts.” I noted, pointing directly at the train chart, which she nodded at, motioning for me to continue, which I did, “Raye mentioned something about ‘twelve people in groups of four’. Do you have any clue what that could mean?” Maki looked somewhat horrified.

“That’s how many FBI agents there are.” she noted, hand going to her mouth as she spoke, “We all came to investigate Kira inside the police force.” I blinked.

“ What?” both of my hands covered my mouth, “Are you telling me that they think that there’s a mole?” she nodded.

“Something like that. They were all assigned to different people to watch over.”

“... Are they dead?” she blinked, quickly coming to the same realisation as I.

“Oh my God that’s what Raye was writing.” she gaped. I bit my lip, nodding.

“And that’s why Kira kept him alive initially after the bus hijacking - not just because of how suspicious it would be, though I’m sure that played a role…” I paused, frowning. However, Maki immediately shook her head.

"Raye couldn't possibly know all of the agents." she stated, “We just knew how many - he wasn’t permitted to know any more.”

“But Kira can manipulate people up until their death, right?” she nodded, oblivious, until her face dropped. 

"His superior died." she gulped, making me blink in horror.

“You think…” she nodded.

“If Raye told him his name, maybe Kira made him send Raye information regarding all of the agents.

“How, though? He wouldn’t have his face and that is required.” I groaned. However, I quickly cursed, the worry evident on my face, which made her frown. I clarified, "Kira was on that bus, which means..." I cursed again, "Fuck, if he is on the inside, he can access that report, he'll get my name - he already has my face."

'Fuck.'

She shook her head, which gave me a glimpse of hope.

“If they didn’t follow up with you, then that’s not possible.” I raised a brow, so she elaborated “Raye said most of the people left the scene as soon as the doors opened. It’s unlikely that they were interviewed - Kira, included.” she added glumly. I cursed at the last point she made.

‘Maybe it was a good thing I ran from the police during the train incident.’ I argued, ‘It would have risked my name finding its way in a report, again, and that’s the last thing we need.’

"Yeah. By the time I passed out, there were only a few people left at the scene - several had left before even the police arrived. If they didn't follow up with me, someone who they could have actually tracked, then they didn't with them, either.” I sighed.

"Since it’s unlikely that Kira stayed around to give a witness report, and we can’t track any of the other people who were on there, other than maybe the bus driver, means that the only clue we would have as to who was on that bus in the first place, would be if we got the camera feed from the bus.”

“I already went down that avenue.” I frowned, “I spoke to the bus driver. He mentioned you going to the hospital, suggesting you might know more but that it was unlikely given what had happened. Unfortunately he couldn’t recall anyone else.” I frowned.

“And the video feed?” she shook her head.

“There isn’t one.” she sighed, “Well, not anymore, anyway.” I frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“Apparently the feed is only kept for a few days, four if you’re lucky.” she sighed, “Evidently that seems to be the standard.” she let out a puff of air, “It’s a problem I’ve encountered before in previous cases.” I frowned, tilting my head in confusion. She paused for a moment, clearly deep in thought, before revealing something quite important.

“I used to be an agent, myself.” I gasped, though the shock wore off quickly. I chuckled, instead.

“Actually, that makes sense.” I hummed, “So what was your plan with the task force?”

“I’ve worked with L before. The Los Angeles BB Murder Cases.” I blinked, genuinely shocked at that, “I was hoping to contact him, directly.” I nodded.

“That would make sense. But I presume you don’t have a number or anything, given his sworn secrecy about his identity?” she nodded.

“I’ve no choice but to stay until I speak to someone. It’s just too important not to do in person.” I agreed.

“No, definitely.” I muttered as I looked at my watch, cursing.

“That was my plan, also, however,” I looked back up at her, “I have a doctor's appointment soon, so I can’t wait here much longer without cancelling it now .” Maki shook her head.

“That’s fine, don’t cancel; I’ll stay and tell them everything we know so far when I get through to someone trustworthy.” she noted, before pulling out her phone, “But I do think we should stay in contact.” I rose up, pulling out my phone effortlessly.

“Of course.” I noted before giving her my number. Once she had read it back to confirm, I put my phone away, “Please let me know what happens. If they need to see me or anything, use that number.” she nodded before sending me a message to confirm her number, which I saved in my contacts list.

“Got it.” I noted as she put her phone away and reached for the lock on the door. Once she had unlocked it I followed her out before cursing as I realised the bus would be at the stop in a minute if it wasn’t already. Looking back I waved goodbye.

“Was nice to meet you, Shoko-san! Talk later!” I yelled over my shoulder as I began to make my way towards the doors, making her chuckle as she made her way towards the front desk, again. 

As the door opened, I bumped into someone in a white coat with brown hair, who was holding something big. Fortunately, neither one of us fell, though I stumbled a lot, before apologising profusely as I continued to jog backwards.

“Sorry about that! I’m in a rush!” I cried, before turning back around and running towards my bus, which was parked at the bus stop. 

Light paused at the door, looking back at the girl with an unreadable gaze. Ryuk followed it before looking back at him and gave a deep chuckle.

“Are you interested in her?” Light frowned.

“I suppose you could say that…” he muttered as he returned to his previous motion, his hand reaching out towards the door as he added, “I recognise her-”

He froze, the sudden déjà vu making perfect sense - something which Ryuk apparently already knew, as he gave another chuckle. Light would have glared at him if he weren’t in a public place, and quickly regained his composure as he opened the door and strode into the building. 

‘That girl with the (H/C) hair…’ he noted, ‘Now that I think about it, she sticks out like a sore thumb in my memory.

‘She was the one shot on the bus and taken to the hospital, that I know for sure… Despite my specifications that no one would be injured.’ he frowned , ‘It’s as if she wasn’t supposed to be there…

‘Regardless, I recognise her from somewhere else as well…’ he paused his steps, turning back to look over his shoulder, his realisation obvious to Ryuk, who laughed again.

“I wondered how long it would take you to realise it.” he grinned, “She can recognise you, can’t she?” Light cursed internally.

‘That’s right, she can.’ he cursed again, ‘Because she wasn’t only just there on the train, too - she bumped into me, just like that, as she tried to resuscitate Raye Penber.’ he shook his head, beginning his strides again as he attempted to appear as normal and unperturbed as possible, ‘I hadn’t recognised her, initially, because of the beanie and scarf hiding her hair quite well…’ he cringed internally.

“That could be a problem…” he noted with a sigh.

“Please help me!” this caught Light’s attention as he closed in on the reception desk, “I need to speak directly with someone from the task force.”

“I’ve told you already, there is no one in the Kira Task Force Headquarters.” the man retorted.

‘There’s no one in the headquarters?’ Light noted with minor curiosity, ‘Dad’s phone’s off… What’s going on?’

“Is there any way I can contact them?” she leaned forward, “It’s something very important relating to the Kira investigation.” Light’s eyes widened slightly, his legs freezing in place, though he attempted to maintain his composure.

‘The Kira investigation?’ he begged. After a moment he continued forward, giving a silent sigh, ‘That’s two potential loose ends.’  

Just before he reached the desk, he muttered darkly to himself.

“I suppose I have even more work to do, now.” 

Chapter Text

- January 5 -

“That was footage from surveillance cameras at the station. The death of one of the FBI agents is captured on here.” Aizawa groaned gently, hand going to the bridge of his nose in exhaustion. 

“Let's see the following scenes again:” L began, seemingly unaware of the exhaustion in the room, “Raye Penber passing the ticket gate on his way in, then him boarding the train, then finally the part where he dies on the platform.” before taking a bite of his ice cream

“Okay…” Aizawa noted, sifting through a bunch of tapes stacked on one of the tables, “Let’s see…”

“I think it’s next to that.” Matsuda spoke up, catching Aizawa’s attention.

“Oh, here it is.” Matsuda looked closer towards the paper in his hands, sleepily.

“Um, so based on the records I have here,” he noted, “Raye Penber comes through the west entrance of Shinjuku Station at 3:11 PM.” Sachiro closed his eyes, listening intently to his subordinate, only looking up sharply when some of his words caught his attention whilst Watari began to scoop ice cream onto a cone, “Then at 3:13 he boards a train on the Yamanote Line. But even if he was following someone at that time, I think it's going to be very difficult for us to draw any real conclusions from the blurry video. Then at exactly 4:42 P.M. a-” Matsuda paused, blinking at the ice cream cone that Watari offered one of the ice cream cones to him, which he took with a warm smile, “Nnn? Oh, thank you, Watari.

“Uuuumm, and at 4:42 P.M. he exits the train at Tokyo station and dies on the platform.” Matsuda finished as Watari passed around the room, offering more ice cream cones to first Sachiro and then Aizawa, who watched intently as Sachiro took his before he readily took his own, cheerfully.

“It's quite strange, don’t you think?”

“Hah…” Aizawa muttered at the ice cream when Sachiro took over the conversation.

“I'm sorry. What do you find strange?” Matsuda immediately spoke up, curiosity peaked.

“Yeah, what is it? Did you notice something?” L took a big bite of his ice cream casually, before humming.

“Mmm…” he swallowed, his eyes never left the screen as he spoke up, “We know that Raye Penber got on the train and then an hour and a half later he got off and died on the platform, the woman, (Y/N), doing the same. But the Yamanote Line only takes an hour to complete its circuit. And more importantly, there's the envelope.” Aizawa blinked.

“Uh, whaddya mean?” he leaned in as L effortlessly reversed the footage with the remote seemingly already in his hand, the video regaining their attention as he hit play as it showed Raye, specifically, as well as other members of the public passing through the ticket gates.

“He's holding what looks like an envelope when he passes through the ticket gate.” Aizawa gasped, a sweat forming on his forehead.

“You're right! It's there, under his arm!” he immediately looked over towards the other screen, “But in the footage right before his death, it's gone!” he noted, incredibly, “I can't believe you actually caught that!” Sachiro grabbed and looked over some papers with a frown.

“Well, I don't see an envelope on this list of his personal effects.”

“Could (Y/N) have the envelope?” Matsuda begged, rubbing his eyed gently as Aizawa spoke up, shaking his head.

“No chance without a bag.”

“Which means,” L regained everyone’s attention, including Sachiro, who turned to his left to look at L as he spoke, “Which means it was left on the train.

“And if you watch closely, at the very end here…” he paused as he pressed for the remote to fast forward to Raye’s death after leaning forward, “it seems like he's straining to look inside the train before the doors close. You can see right here.” the trio gasped.

“(Y/N) appears to be looking up at something, too.”

“If that’s the case, do you think it could mean something?” Sachiro begged, paper still in hand, causing L to look behind at him with his eyes as he spoke theoretically for a moment.

“Wouldn’t it be interesting if Kira was on that train?” immediately Sachiro baulked.

“That’s impossible!” L looked back at the screen casually.

“I admit, I find it hard to believe as well.” he noted, everyone’s attention with various expressions of disbelief and attention playing on each of their faces as he spoke, “There's no reason for Kira to come to the scene of his own crime when he can kill from a distance.” L took a breath, pausing gently as his eyes remained glued to the screen, “Well... maybe he was counting on us to make that assumption, and figured he could get away with such a bold move.” before casually going back to nibbling on his ice cream with a hum. Watari himself looked back from the group to his own laptop screen as he, too, took a bite of his ice cream, listening but not otherwise bothered by the conversation.

“Do we have the recording of where (Y/N) ran to?”

“Uh yeah it’s here…” Aizawa muttered, grabbing the correct tape and placing it into the third VCR, “She runs towards a PCSO.” he noted before pointing towards the video, “They leave together; turns out it was the end of his shift.”

“Have we identified the PCSO?”

“Uhh…” Matsuda muttered, sifting through some papers, “Yeah here!” Once he found the one he was looking for he was about to read the details, however L held out his hand, causing Matsuda to pause before passing the details to L, who skimmed over it as everyone finished their ice cream. 

“Maximus Charles. PCSO, PC in training.” L muttered aloud, “Lives at the same residence as (Y/N), next door to one another.” 

“I recognise that girl.” Sachiro spoke up, gaining everyone’s attention, “Can I see her paperwork?” Matsuda ‘huhed’ before doing as asked, passing the paper his way with a better photograph of the girl attached. Sachiro gasped gently, keeping everyone on edge as he confirmed, muttering, “Yeah that’s her."

"You recognise her chief?" Aizawa begged with a raised brow. Sachiro grunted with a slight nod.

"Yeah we met briefly.” he noted, clarifying, “She came to the station as I was leaving. She kindly gave me her umbrella while it was raining heavily. Said she’d be there for a while, for whatever reason.” As if triggering a memory, Matsuda himself shot up.

“Wait, I know who you’re talking about!” this caught everyones’ attention, each looking sharply back at Matsuda, “She sat there for two hours before rushing off after I spoke to her! It was like she'd been sleeping with her eyes open; completely out of it.”

“Any clue why?” Sachiro begged, though L spoke up.

"Anxiety and dissociation, most likely. Catatonia.” L noted, adding, “(Y/N) has quite an extensive mental health history.” he looked back forward, thumb coming to his mouth.

“I recognise her from somewhere else…” Matsuda spoke up again, adding, “I've thought about it since I spoke to her.” he noted, rubbing his temples slightly, “It’s something big…”

“... Have you looked her up?” L begged, earning a sweat.

“Uh…”

“Here.” Aizawa spoke up, turning the screen, “She’s a YouTuber.”

“That’s it!” Matsuda exclaimed, hand out in realisation, “I’ve heard her music!” 

Before more could be said, the phone started to ring, causing L to stand, walking around gently before he paused at the ringtone.

“Yes?” Watari begged, “Yes, would you please hold for a moment?” he begged before turning towards L, using his alias, “Ryuzaki, it's Ukita at the NPA. He says he's on the phone with someone from the tip-line who has information for us.” L didn’t miss a beat with his response.

“Right. Then give Ukita the number for line five and ask him to have the informant call that line instead. It'll be safer that way. Mr. Matsuda, it's okay for you to turn your cellphone on now. Actually, please turn it on right away.”

“Uh, sure…!”

Matsuda did as requested, the phone instantly ringing. Before he could respond, L pinched the phone and answered it, turning away from Matsuda who looked back at him with a sweat and slight glare.

“Yes, this is Suzuki, head of Kira investigation Public Information Division.” L began, using a fake voice. However he immediately paused, his normal voice returning as he spoke aloud the information for Watari to work on, his eyes widening, “Raye Penber's fiancée? 

“Naomi Misora…” Watari nodded gently, already pencilling the name into their computer database.

“I've heard that name before…” Watari immediately turned the laptop for L to see, the woman’s information and photograph clearly visible on the screen. Ryuzaki gasped.

‘So it's her. She's from the Los Angeles BB Murder Case. That's right! She was working under me. I guess she must have come to Japan with her fiancé…’ L frowned gently before hanging up the phone and passing it back to Matsuda, walking by as his hands casually went back to his pockets.

“Well, apparently she's been missing since the day after her fiancé died.” L noted, walking past both Matsuda and Aizawa.

“I'm sure that anyone in her situation would be pretty depressed.” Matsuda noted, solemnly, “Was it...?”

“Suicide.” Aizawa finished for him.

“No…” L noted quietly, adding, “The Naomi Misora I knew was strong. Not to mention she was also an excellent FBI agent. If anything, it's more likely that she'd be trying to catch Kira.” The three watched as L paused his walking, “It appears she came to Japan with Penber, it's possible that she may have found a lead…” L’s thumb went to his lips as he thought.

‘If that's the case, did Kira manage to get to her first?’  

“Everyone.” L’s hand dropped back to his pocket, “At this point, I'd like to focus our investigation on only those people who Raye Penber was tailing, this woman (Y/N) as well as the PCSO Maximus that she’s familiar with.” he announced, adding, “In particular, he was assigned to two police officers and those closest to them.” Sachiro wasted no time in asking, “Very well. Who are these two individuals he was investigating?” causing L to turn slightly to look over his shoulder at the three men.

“Deputy Director Kitamura, along with Detective Superintendent Yagami and their families.” Immediately everyone gasped, though L continued undeterred, turning around to meet the three, “At this stage, I'd like to place wiretaps and surveillance cameras in both households.”

“Surveillance cameras? Ryuzaki!” Matsuda immediately protested, Aizawa also joining in after him.

“I don't see how you could even consider this. If this got out, we'd have a civil rights scandal on our hands! We'd all lose our jobs.” L looked up at Aizawa sharply with his eyes, head raising slightly.

“You told me you'd be willing to risk your lives for this investigation. But you wouldn't risk your jobs?”

“Uh, uh…” Matsuda stammered as Sachiro took over quickly.

“Ryuzaki, what are the odds that Kira is in one of those households.” L looked up, thinking for a moment.

“Maybe ten percent. No, it's closer to five percent.” Matsuda blinked.

“Seriously? I'm sorry, but it's not worth the risk-”

“No.” the group gasped, turning back to Sachiro, who spoke solidly, albeit with a sweat, “Of all the people we've investigated so far, not one of them seemed even the least bit suspicious. Even if there's only a one percent chance, we simply can't afford to ignore it.”

“Chief?” Matsuda begged quietly, though once again Sachiro spoke up, ignoring him.

“I don't have to tell you how offended I am to learn my family is under suspicion. Having said that, just go ahead with it.” The pair gasped behind the man once again, “And make sure you install them everywhere. I don't want blind spots in the house, and that includes the bathroom.”

“Thank you very much. That was my intention.” L relaxed at this slightly.

“Come on, Chief, you don't have to agree to this!” Aizawa protested, Matsuda agreeing whole heartedly.

“Yes, he's right! Think about your family! You have a wife and daughter at home, don't you?” Matsuda threw his arm out in emphasis, causing Sachiro to spin around to meet the pair in anger.

“Yes, I'm well aware of that fact!” he threw his arms out, “But there is no point of doing this if we can't be thorough! Now I suggest you keep quiet!” The pair were silent for a moment, though Matsuda eventually muttered out an apology. By this point Sachiro had composed himself, turning back away from the pair, hand to face.

“No, it's okay. Excuse me.”

Unbothered by the tense atmosphere, L walked back to the sofa, taking a seat, before speaking up and regaining the room’s attention.

“As a courtesy to the chief and his family, only he and I will conduct surveillance of their home.” he noted before turning to look at Watari slightly, “Watari, how long will it take to prepare the wiretaps and cameras we need?” said man wasted no time in revealing the answer.

“Well, starting tomorrow, I can set them up at any time, provided we know when both houses will be empty.”

Though the room remained tense, L hummed as he looked over the tape once more, reversing it with the remote before pressing play. 

"Curiouser and curiouser…" L mumbled into his thumb as he eyed the security footage of Raye Penbar's death for the thousandth time within the last few hours alone. Only once the clip ended did his fingers twitch, anticipating the end, before quickly hitting the replay button. Carefully his eyes danced around all of the grainy details of the footage before him taking in the same thing over and over again without any real changes. Despite this there, of course, were no changes, his actions regaining everyone’s attention.

Having already expertly cross examined all of the footage of the FBI deaths long ago, L found himself stuck on Raye Penbar's death in particular. As he watched the (H/C)-haired girl he hummed to himself, tapping his thumb against his bottom lip as he rewatched the footage once again. 

'A potential lead…' he acknowledged, just as he had every time since he'd seen it the very first time.

"Miss (L/N) (F/N) - or Ai, as you've been going by. Kedakai Ai…" He noted aloud with a slight head tilt.

“Did you see something else?” Aizawa begged, coming back towards his previous seat. L hummed, hand falling as he reversed and played a particular part of the scene again for the group to notice.

“Do you hear that?” L muttered, earning baffled looks.

“She’s crying…” Matsuda offered. L ignored him and continued.

“She yells his name.” L revealed, “Which means that she’s the only other pedestrian to know Raye's identity besides his wife- well," He corrected, "besides Kira…"

And that differentiation was important. Because it was clear as day that Ai herself was unrelated to Kira.

'No that was never questioned.' L figured, 'The true question is: how did you know him and his operation…?' L made a small noise in his throat as his eyes danced over tea Watari placed in front of him on the table, the sugar cubes intriguing him as he plopped a few in his tea, using the others to feed his stacking stim. 

“Ryuzaki…!” Matsuda noted aloud as he looked over a statement from one of the desk clerk at the Police Station, “Naomi and (Y/N) are thought to have spoken on January the 1st!” Aizawa gasped at this, the newfound information catching L’s attention as he looked over sharply.

“Interesting…” he noted, leaning in, eyes wide, focused and seemingly unblinking.

"So she has seemingly zero ties to the Penbar family, being from the UK, and yet-" L frowns gently, "-she saw both of them before their independent fate’s…” he noted as he paused the video, focused specifically onto the picture that shows Ai’s face. L made a noise in his throat.

‘Finding you wasn't nearly as hard as this little puzzle of yours, mind.’ He hummed boredly as he brought the spoon to his mouth and took a lick, salvaging the sweet tea taste before picking up the cup and taking a long sip. Only once he'd placed it back down onto the saucer did he speak again, once again hitting repeat, "Flat 7 and Flat 8, 5-2-1 Koibuchi, Kasama, Ibaraki 452-1788, Kānto Japan, Watari, for (Y/N) and Maximus’.”

“Hey, Ryuzaki!” Aizawa noted, looking over to him with shock, “Do you really suspect her of being Kira?” L hummed.

“Only about 2 percent likely.” he noted, tapping on his lip before elaborating, “With that in mind, and with such an emotional response to another person's death, she hardly fits the profile akin to that of Kira." He noted curiously as he eyed the open file to his right with eager eyes before they flicked back straight to the screen, as if talking to her directly, "Clearly caring and interested in helping others. And yet clearly bored with the world. 

"Could that be why," he licked his dry lip before taking a sugar cube between them and sucking gently, finishing in a mumble with his mouth full, "you're getting yourself so involved with this investigation…?"

“What do you mean?” L immediately turned.

“Why else would she be in the police station, speaking to Naomi, if not related to the Kira investigation. Not to mention,” he revealed, Eyes flickering right back to the pages on his right, L grabbed and flicked through the papers meticulously, looking for something in particular and smiling once he'd found it, "Medical records show a recent hospitalisation. Several bullet wounds and cuts all of which occurred on the same day as the bus hijacking from Osoreda Kiichiro… It's as though she were there- No. 

"She was there." He concluded, earning gasps as he nodded gently to himself as his eyes trailed over the medical report for, once again, more times than he could count. 

It was simply a waste of time and energy to keep a tally of something so simple. And yet-

'-152 times.' he acknowledged, going over the paper once again, '153, now.'

“How could someone be that unfortunate?” Matsuda begged.

“Exactly.” Aizawa realised aloud, “That’s why we’re putting her under surveillance, right, Ryuzaki?” L hummed in agreement. Relatively content with the writing, he dropped the page and had another skim through the other pages in the file, pausing when he looked back up at the screen with a thought playing on his mind as he watched Ai begin the chest compressions, his thumb going back to his lip as he gently played with it, “That must be what’s gotten her so curious about the investigation.

“Watari.” the man looked up as the others listened intently, “We should send someone to confirm identities. Something to see how she behaves afterwards. We will need someone to watch over the pair until we can put in the camera’s and wires.” Watari nodded.

“I’ll do that now.” With a noise in his throat, L leaned forward, drinking more tea as he muttered to himself.

"Time to see your response…"

“Whooo!” I cheered as I sang along to the song playing on my speaker. Scrubbing at my skull as I washed away the dye with pep in my step.

‘Silver all the way, boiii!’ I chimed as I sat up and rung the water out of my hair and looked at the colour of the water with a bright grin.

Grabbing the shampoo I quickly began to lather my hair as I continued to hum along to the tune, eyeing my arms as I did with a small smile.

‘The wounds are closed and healing. All the stitches have gone now - disintegrated or removed the other day.’ I noted as I put my head back under the shower head and rinsed out the shampoo, ‘So now I’m finally able to do this without any problems!’

“My new glasses also came in the post today.” I squealed as I got the conditioner ready, “So my new look is almost complete!”

‘Not to mention it’ll make it harder for Kira to identify me…’ I deadpanned dryly, turning my mood slightly sour.

*Ding dong*!

“Eh?!” I squeaked as my head shot up, causing water to trickle over my face, “... Mono?” 

Frowning I quickly shot up and stumbled about, flailing in a blind (literally - I had no glasses) panic as I searched for a towel.

Rushing I quickly wrapped my hair up in the closest towel I could find - which, honestly, was far too big for just my hair but woe is me - and rushed towards the front door, stumbling as I almost slammed into it in my haste.

“Hold on!” I yelled through the door as I fumbled with the lock, taking a peak out through the hole, only to pause in confusion as I saw someone with a flyer. I cursed.

‘I should’ve just ignored it…’ I sighed as I realised it was a door to door salesman. 

Face wrinkled in regret and disdain I quickly put on a bright smile as I opened the door, desperate to get this thing over with. 

“Hi!” I beamed before giving an apologetic smile, “Sorry I’m dying my hair and had to find a towel!” the man chuckled, nodding, giving a smile as he attempted to make small talk.

“What colour was it before?” I smiled.

“(H/C).” I laughed as his eyes widened, “I’ve had quite a bit of work to get it to the silver colours I have now.” I grinned as I towel dried my hair, letting the white/silver show.

“Looks great!” he chimed, adding, “(H/C) sounds interesting! I’m starting to see bright colours more these days, especially with teens!” I laughed and nodded in agreement.

“It’s a fun form of expression!” I grinned, “Even my mama dyes her hair a kinda dark red!” He looked stunned at this.

“Oh wow that’s different!” he laughed, “I’d love to see my mother dye her hair a wild colour.” the man leaned forward slightly, pretending to look around as he put his hand to his mouth, “Don’t tell her I said that. Older generation, you know?” I couldn’t help but laugh, my cheeks hurting slightly as I swore myself to secrecy.

“My lips are sealed!” I grinned. However when the flyers caught my eyes I paused the pleasantries and got straight to the point, “How can I help, by the way?” Immediately the guy gave a small gasp before looking into the flat vaguely.

“Are your parents home?” he begged with a kind smile. I paused at this as I played mental chess as to whether or not I wanted him to know my age or not. 

‘In a world with Kira, although I don’t want to suspect everyone whenever a stranger speaks to me, I need to be cautious with them.’

“Uh no, sorry not right now!” I apologised with an apologetic smile, “Just me and a bunch of mates.” I added with a half shrug.

‘I don’t want him to think I’m alone, just in case…’

The guy nodded in understanding.

“Oh okay!” he nodded with a small smile, “I was just wondering if you were interested in a cleaning service?” I shook my head.

“Nah that’s not something they’ll want I don’t think.” I shrunk behind the door slightly, trying to get him to leave, “Have a nice day!”

“Oh wait!” I paused closing the door at his words, tilting my head slightly, peaking back at him with a raised brow as he directed to something by my door, “By the way, you have a package on your doorstep?” I blinked, looking down before thanking him as I questioned what, when and where this thing came from.

“Huh…” I blanked, “I wonder why I didn’t hear anything…” I mused, picking it up as I looked over the package, “Thanks!” 

“It’s fine! Have a nice day!” I nodded, giving a small bow.

“You too!” I chimed, closing the door behind me with a small butt smack, only satisfied once I heard it click, before impetuously locking it after me without a second thought.

“I haven't ordered anything…” I noted with a raised brow as a reminder smacked me in the face, “But I need to order a new umbrella…” I muttered bitterly at myself for forgetting. However I looked back at the door as the previous interaction played on my mind. 

‘Huh. That was strange.’ I noted slowly, ‘I’ve not had one of those here before…’ I paused, shrugging it off as I messaged Mono telling him what just happened as I dumped the package on my desk, taking a seat as I dumped my towel on the frame of my bed. 

Mono: What was he selling?

Mono: You sure it was a salesman?

I shrugged to myself before typing back.

Me: Yeah. Window washing apparently . 

Me: He had flyers but didn’t give me any since I said no.

It took a moment for Mono to reply. But when he did I froze at his words.

Mono: That’s illegal in Japan

Mono: Door to door sales, that is. 

I frowned, immediately looking up what he said - not because I didn’t believe him-

‘-He’s a freaking officer, after all-’

-but because I was so surprised. However, when I didn’t reply he immediately called me.

“Who was he?” he begged as soon as I answered, skipping the greetings. I scratched the back of my head.

“Dunno. Said he was a window washer.”

“That’s strange. Really strange.” Mono paused before immediately asking, “You didn’t tell him anything about you did you?” I shook my head to myself.

“Nah. Just asking about hair - small talk, since it’s wet and I’m dying it.” I scratched my cheek, “In fact he asked for my parents. I just said they weren’t in at the moment but that I’m with a group of friends.” Mono made a noise in his throat.

“How’d he respond?” I blinked, shrugging slightly.

“Just asked if I was sure my parents wouldn’t want his services. Said nah and he left. Although there was a package at my door that he pointed out.” I eyed the thing beside me with scrutiny, “I haven’t opened it yet but I never heard the door go or anything like that.”

“I don’t like that.” he stated immediately before adding, “Don’t open it until I get home. I doubt it’s anything, but just in case I’d rather make sure it’s all okay when you’re not alone, yeah?” I nodded to myself again.

“Sure thing.” I hummed before adding, “Speaking of which, when are you getting back?”

“Late. Might need to stay till at least 2am since it’s a Sunday.” I groaned.

“Fine. I’ll just dump this package in the corner until then.” Mono nodded.

“Sure thing.” he immediately began to reassure me, “Look I doubt it’s anything suspicious; I just prefer to be cautious.” I nodded.

“To be honest,” I noted as I felt the thing, “It feels like a book.” Mono frowned at this.

“Did you order any textbooks?” I blinked, frowning in thought as I tried to recall.

“No…” I paused again, “But I might’ve ordered some writing books.” Mono sighed.

“If it doesn’t seem that sus you’re welcome to open it now, but stay on the phone with me, okay?” I gave a confirmation as I tore open the package. Blinking, I noted a single, thick book with a title written in English. I hummed.

“Well it is a writing book.” I noted, Mono sighing in relief as I flicked through the empty, lined pages with a raised brow, “But I don’t remember ordering it.” I inspected the inside of the packaging once again, “There’s no note or anything so I don’t know if maybe my mum or one of my siblings got it for me and forgot to tell me?”

“Possibly.” Mono noted, “All that matters is it doesn't sound dangerous.” he joked, partially, earning a snort as I dumped the book back on the desk, eyeing them for a moment.

“Yeah.” I agreed, adding, “Though it has a weird title.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. It's black. Has the title of ‘Death note’.” I snorted, “Sounds like something mum would buy me, knowing me.” Mono laughed at this.

“Yeah. Sounds like something I’d buy you.” I grinned.

“Hey I can get behind this.” I shrugged, “Definitely different.” I made a noise of agreement before sighing.

“Anyway I’m gonna go finish my hair. See you later.” Mono also made a noise in his throat.

“Yeah I need to go anyway. Try to stay safe for once, yeah?" I mock-gasped.

“I have no clue what you could possibly be insinuating, my good man!” Mono laughed.

“Yeah sure you don’t.” he chuckled, “But yeah see you either early in the morning or the next day.” I nodded, making a ‘yup’ noise before we hung up.

I eyed the book for a bit with suspicion and intrigue. However, with a shake of my head I pushed them aside and went back to what I was doing before, not even giving them another look as I entered my bathroom and left my bedroom.