Archive of Our Own ^beta

It's been few times until you didn't dare to count it anymore. 

You know it's past 7 in the morning. He's light on his feet, you could almost see him gliding across the room. His smile too kind and perfect, one that you know you rarely place on his lips these days. 

You kiss him. You kiss him and close your eyes because you know you have to. He can't start his day without it and you convince yourself it's not a chore. 

It's not a chore because it isn't the same as cleaning the house or cooking him breakfast. It's not the same as pampering him with so much care, spraying him his favorite perfume or adjusting his tie when you find it crooked. It's not the same as wishing him luck for whatever day at work he'd have or waiting for him to come back home.

Kissing him is not like that. So you kiss him and you tell yourself it couldn't get better than this. 

Or maybe it could but a part of you ignores it. 

Somehow... it feels like a chore. Even the sounds that come out of your lips as you both delude yourselves in your too perfect world at the apartment many people desire. As you trap yourself in what seems to be an impeccable relationship in people's eyes. When you know to yourself... it's already becoming a relationship having everything but love to you. 

And yet he trusts you more than you trust yourself with him.

You're sure of it every time he leaves the house and waves back at you until the car starts moving out of the driveway. He trusts you with everything but you started to have doubts. You're starting to doubt how long his smile and ever kind gestures will be given to you. You started to doubt because you're feeling uneasy on where you're standing every time he leaves and you're left to fend off the day alone, unbothered and free.

You're queasy on your toes. Your feet taking you towards the door just as your hands reach for the car keys only to be used for when it's time to buy supplies you need to care for your husband, when you have something you need. With the windows down, you feel relief once the fresh air hit your face as you drive down the town. 

You park your car in a secluded corner just as you did yesterday and the day before that and the day before that too. It seems like a routine. The one thing you can actually describe as a chore for a housewife carrying responsibilities she had no problems with the first time around. It should be a chore. 

But it's not. 

A pair of eyes watch the person that you met yesterday and the day before that... and the day before that too. It's been a few times but you keep counting. You should tell yourself you just had to get it done and over with. 

You tell yourself you have to it over with… and yet you still don't. 

It's been a few times and you still count. You count the steps it takes until you're not alone in the car. You look forward to the shutting of the passenger door and the feline eyes that hold your gaze. That pair of chocolate brown orbs staring at you, making you return the gaze with much displaced yearning like you did yesterday and the day before that... and the day before that too. 

It's been a few times that it should be called a routine but it's not. It never is and it feels more like the real thing than anything else that came before. It's never a chore with her, not something you had to simply get over and done with. 

You kiss her. 

She kisses you back. 

It's been a few times, maybe even more. You ought to think you've had enough. You should've had enough and stopped this addictive cycle. But not a single bone in your body want such an affair to end. 

It doesn't feel wrong. It should be illegal but there’s never a well executed halt done on your part. For it always feels perfect.

It doesn’t feel anything illicit. You should stop kissing her but you find yourself pulling her even more into you. Until you close your eyes and feel the love missing in your life, the love you've been wanting and searching from a man you easily forget as all you think about is her and nothing else but her.  

It's just a few times, you told yourself.

Yet you know to yourself it's a lot more than that.

*** 

It's her touch, smooth and pliant on your skin. Her fingers finding the most sensitive places flawlessly. It's her skin against your body giving you pure bliss. The high never fails to take over whenever this particular brunette is within your arms.

It's her lips, soft yet firm against yours as you squeeze onto each other. Her tongue tasting everything your body laid on a silver platter has you reeling and your toes curling. It's her kiss against every inch of you and in you that fuels the fire you thought had died long ago. 

She's gentle but she could sense what you want when urging for a nirvana that takes all your breath away. She's loving and so good but she could do worse. She could do much worse to you... and you'll love it anyway. 

It almost doesn't take much. The rush, the exhilaration and the fathomless throbbing that needs to be sated. You ache for her in a way you never thought you could for someone. You long for her desperately and senselessly to the point that being with her is the only thing that defines reason. 

She doesn't speak too much when you're both lost in the feeling. Yet her eyes, brown being darkened and filled with an emotion you tried to escape from, are screaming at you. You'd think they would have lost their effect but it's in moments like this where you're vulnerable and when your soul is bare that you can take anything that she gives. The way she looks at you... it's almost haunting. 

You are scared. Fearful. You know you can't run away and she wants something you're not capable to give. 

"Have you talked to him?" 

"Jennie..." she watches you as you let out a breath, "what did I say about this?" 

"You said you will. Jisoo, you said you'll talk to him. I'm only asking if you have." 

"Yes. I have. Okay?" She can see the truth the moment your eyes met. And she knows you’re lying. "I talked to him." 

"You didn't. Not really about us." 

"What about us?" 

Sorrow painting her beautiful features, Jennie's face looked as if she aged drastically. She was always full of life, a ray of sunshine to anyone she meets and even when you're both naked to the bone... you don't ever feel cold in her presence. She has her own warmth to share enough to keep both you content every time.

Until she lets you go now as if burned at the prospect of having to keep you close even longer.

"Baby—"

"Don't. Just don't."

Such words have been spoken. Maybe in rarity but you've heard them and this wasn't the first time. Although Jennie said those words this time in a defeated tone that makes you want to make her feel loved all over again. It's the first time they came too melancholically from luscious lips which could do no harm, which could never mouth words that pierce your heart.

Now you just feel you have to put up a shield in front of the only one who completely broke down your walls.

"What do you feel about me?"

Eyebrows furrowed at the question because you're sure she’s barely aware of the aftermath of what she's asking about. "What brought this up? I feel the most when I'm with you. You know that—"

"Do you even love me, Jisoo?" She cut you off as if she didn't want to hear nonsense. She is standing without shame and you tell yourself it's not the time, that you're in an argument. But you're distracted with thoughts of pulling her back underneath you. "Do you?"

The answer is automatic in your brain. "Of course I do."

"Then why are we still hiding?"

She didn't say the words but you could feel it in the air. 

Why are you still keeping me as your dirty little secret?

"What are you expecting me to do?"

"I don't know, Jisoo. Choose me. Leave him. Make up your mind for once." Her slender fingers gesture around her and you just wish she wasn't asking for what seemed like an ultimatum.

"It's not that easy." Irritation accompanied your voice because this felt like a last straw. "You don't understand what it's like. It's going to get messy—"

"Damn right, I don't. But that doesn't mean I'm not a fucking mess in my life too."

She never acted out and you're not sure if you want it or not. Because everyone wants the truth but it's in the merciful lies that keep a relationship going. And ending whatever you have isn't something you could take.

"Stop being a kid, Jennie."

"Don't call me a kid!"

"Then stop acting like one!"

Your eyes, hot as hers, are close to tearing up. She turns her back and the longing to have her in an embrace immediately hits. You hear a silent sob she tried to prevent from escaping her mouth but it only took a few more seconds before it's out in the open. The lament and torture she has been bearing with started to crawl onto your spine almost as if they have the power to render anyone paralyzed.

Jennie is crying. The once jolly and too optimistic woman you met is now crying her heart out. The woman you were tempted to partake in her picture perfect life.

The woman you ruined for yourself.

You feel tears fill the brim of your eyes and fall down your cheeks. You feel your chest tighten as you could barely suck in enough air into your lungs. You've been hurt before but this is an incomparable pain. You feel so strongly for her and now you're hurt. It's suffocating and tiring even if it has been just a few moments.

It's a wonder how anyone could last with that for a long period of time. You hope they don't feel it because it's pure agony. And yet Jennie must have been feeling that as much as she feels for you.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

It's different when you pull her into your arms. Instead of a total surrender, of giving herself up into a contact that you both once swore felt much like home... you feel her tense up. You feel her rather unresponsive and holding her ground. Because why wouldn't she?

Jennie has given you everything you asked for. She didn't want to pursue a married woman if she could help it but you're all to be blamed. You longed for her, pined for her the first time you've laid eyes upon her. You talked in secrecy, in vague speeches that she somehow learned with ease. You painted her in your mind from simple shades to engrossing colors that moved you farther away from reality.

As her tears flow continuously... you know this is far from any way that you'd rather your skin be tickled. As she holds onto your back, you realize she had never held onto you in a manner that screams defeat. In a manner that screams desperation, loss and powerlessness. As she turns weak, as the girl who was once too strong and ready to be the sole foundation of such entanglement becomes vulnerable... you know you've went too far.

This has got to stop.

"Do you want to end this?"

If her sobs aren't enough hint, her mournful eyes piercing into your soul should be. The glow she naturally had has faded. The emotions you can easily perceive in her eyes are screaming at you.

She's tired. She's so tired and you can't be selfish. You can't be selfish with her anymore than you've let yourself to be. You can't have her when it's starting to kill her more than it is killing you.

"I don't want to end us."

Jennie isn't asking for an ultimatum. She never did. But you know for certain that you have to make a decision whether or not your coward self could live with it.

You cup her cheeks, thumbs swiping the tears that have streamed down. She closes her eyes as you lean in, her throat bobbing as she swallowed the spite you think she has more for herself than you. She won't ever hate you. She had said so herself, promised to you that she wouldn't be capable of it.

Especially towards you.

If she's hating someone... it's herself.

And you know you're responsible for it.

"I'm ruining your life, Jennie. I'm breaking your heart and hurting you." Words were whispered against her wet lips but all you feel is numbness. "I'm sorry... really I am. This is all my fault. I'd understand if you..."

If you want to go.

But you can't wrap your tongue around the words. You don't. You won't.

And it seems like Jennie understands that.

She takes a breath, one that seems like her final. One that makes her heart stop yet didn't prevent the smile which the corners of her mouth start to pull. The smile that she'll give you even when she's breaking apart.

"I told you before. And I still mean it." She kisses you in more than desire and lust, more than unrestrained want and thirst. She kisses you in pure love because she can. "I would ruin myself for you."

Because she can love you and still choose to love you.

Jennie can love through faults and scarcity of love she gets in return. She can love you surely even with all the uncertainty and shadowed future ahead. She can choose you for who you are, every single flaw and wonder you have. She can choose you without hesitations even when you would always have second thoughts.

You know she deserves better.

She deserves better than someone who could love her only in clandestine meetings. She deserves the big world full of adventure and freedom rather than spending her days away in small hiding places. She deserves everything and even more than you can promise.

So you tell yourself for just one last time. For just one kiss, one more touch and another love making that should fill you up for the days when you won't have her by your side anymore. Just one more time before she's gone and everything in you dies for what could've been if only time was kinder… if only you could've been braver.

Your heart shatters into pieces even as your lips find each other once more. It feels an unrelenting torture even as she fills you up with love and euphoria. You tell yourself it will all end soon. You tell yourself that you won't see her tomorrow, the day after tomorrow and the day after that.

It feels like a lie.

It could be a lie.

It must be a lie.

Being with her as soon as you can seems more like the truth. Finding your way back into her has been proven to be the only right direction in life. Loving her in the way you can is the only truth you recognize.

Jennie has ruined you for good more than he ever was able to do. More than anyone else would ever do. Your heart breaks a million times for the mere thought of her. Your heart breaks a billion times and you let it break, knowing you had given it up to her to do as she pleases.

Even if you don't have the courage to tell her that now or even tomorrow. Or the day after tomorrow and the day after that.

Probably not ever.

Jennie deserves more than you could give and you are nothing but a selfish coward.

***

"My superior gave a go signal for a promotion. Almost a promotion, actually." His grin makes him look a thousand days younger. Makes him look like the young man you fell for. "After this project, after it becomes successful... I'll be able to get that. Plus, maybe some time for a weekend getaway."

"That's great, honey."

If only your once favorite smile could make you stay in love, it would've been great. 

You send a smile along his way. It feels forced, you thought he noticed it but he didn't comment anything at all. He never does. You thought before that men being oblivious to women's concerns is one of the disappointing things you have to bear with. Now, you're just feeling lucky no one can see through you.

No one that is currently in front of you.

"We could go swimming in your favorite beach. I know you must have missed it. We haven't been spending time together. I’ve missed you, Jisoo."

You bit your lip as he reached for your hand. It's so familiar to yours but it's already different from the one that soothes and excites you at the same time. "I'd like that too."

"Really?" Bo Hyun smiled widely at you.

"Yeah, of course, honey. There's nothing more I'd like for us."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

It comes naturally because you've said it a hundred times. It is automatic but it wasn't easy. It's not easy when you feel like you're digging yourself another hole to hide into.

He kisses you chastely, looking at you warmly and in a loving gaze you thought… you wished would be gone by now. "You're really the best, you know."

"I know." A small chuckle escapes your lips that has your insides rumble in refusal.

You lie and lie and lie.

You know you're weaving yourself in a web of tales that would soon trap you once more. That would soon pull you in a world that gives no escape. You're both the predator and prey, only realizing you're invincible when you hold more power than the other. Only realizing you’re caught when you start hurting and bleeding or once you gain a phantom limb.

Or a heart that's barely there as it doesn't continue beating in a way that makes you feel alive with him.

It would hurt less if nothing changed and falling out of love doesn't turn you into a deceptive monster. It would hurt less if you just run away and take the hand that you wish is the one holding yours in this exact moment. It would hurt less, hurt lesser people if you come clean for what you really feel.

Yet you lie and lie and lie.

You lie that you want nothing else but private time spent with him. You lie even when what you really want is to end what you have. You lie about it and maybe even lie about everything that comes in between and beyond.

You lie about loving him in the same way as he still probably does, in the way you used to because you just can't anymore. You can't love him as much as you love the woman whose gentle feline eyes and soft lips own a language you don't even have to speak of. A language that converse with you all the feelings and brings you in an entire universe filled with colors you didn't know exist.

You lie because you know you're not the best. You don't even come close. You lie because you're simply the worst. Because you know that after he leaves in the morning again, after you're left on your own, after supposedly being a trophy wife... you'll come back doing him wrong and breaking your vows.

Your heart breaks for him. For the guilt and lies. For the trust and future he still sees with you. You know love hurts but you think it's not in this way.

Of course, it's not in this way for you’re perfectly well versed on how it could hurt when it's a lasting and enduring love. You've distinguished different kinds of pain more than happiness.

You should stop. You ought to stop.

But dying would’ve been an easy way out than staying apart from her.

It's when she contacts you in the dead of the night with his arms around your waist that you think of tomorrow again. It's when she asks if you're still willing to see her for another day even if it's just a few hours or even an hour just to spend time together. It's when she says she misses you, when she says she loves you and when she proves she wants to see you even without any promises that has you tearing apart.

You know damn well what godforsaken mess you put yourself into. 

Yet you're also sure of one thing that will not change anytime soon. Not even tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and the days after that too.

You know you love her even when it breaks you. You can’t stop loving her even when it ruins you and your life a million little times. You'd do it all over again even as your heart shatter a million little times.

All of the million pieces that constantly connect you to her, present in the silence, hope and respite for total happiness this illicit affair brings you... Jennie's still there to pick them all up and keep them safe.