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Mad King of the Kitchen Larder

It was midnight.

Chaldea's halls as oppressive as a jail cell, Ritsuka tiredly plodded down the clinically clean expanses of their 'home'; wearily rubbing at their eyes.

It had been a long day- no, a long year. Feet barely able to drag themselves one step before the other, fatigue ran them down like an avalanche, massive stones that were usually their masses of enthusiasm and motivation sent tumbling down by the wayside.

Midnight was nice. With servants and staff tucked up within small annals of Chaldea, warming it with small pockets of love and light; this time gave Ritsuka the opportunity to just relax into themselves, to finally let all their muscles just hang loose and melt for once.

'I'm so tired,' They sighed, their feet marking an automated path towards their goal- towards their safest of solo sanctuaries, to a place that Emiya would likely shoot a blade towards their head for even daring to enter (but Tamamo Cat didn't mind. She was cool with it)...

Yes, it was none other than the Kitchen Larder itself. Beckoned by the cool waves of refreshing air, delectable hints of herbs and spices- and most of all, the vacant emptiness that such premises promised, Ritsuka's eyes sparkled.

'What snack should I treat myself with today~' 

If only they knew that something even greater than a mere snack was eagerly anticipating their eventual arrival...

Salt. Sugar. Oven. Raw Fish. 

Flour.

How long had the beast remained here for? Toiling endlessly through lists that threatened to pierce his mind in two; he continued forevermore, repeating an endless cycle.

Fridge.

Ah, the fridge. It was a brave opponent indeed, but his weapons were far superior. Yet it merged with his soul, as yet another ghost to carry, yet another sin to burden his already lofty form with.

'Whatever.'

Crisps. Cupboard. Cupboard. Enemy.

This wasn't for him- he could barely mimic the other ones' movements as he tried to adhere to his instinctual cravings- but it was okay.

A contemptuous snapping of his jaw meant that he didn't have to, anyway.

Raw fish. Raw fish. Raw fish.

Another sea creature, just like him- eyes as lifeless as the day he was created.

What an irritating reminder it was, his jaws clenching at the sight.

An intruder.

DESTROY.

"What... what in the actual FUCK?!"

Voice echoing through the vast expanses of food and emptiness, Ritsuka saw it all.

A sprawling, deadly beast; whose beautiful chest was covered in crisp crumbs; large figure all too big for the tiny space; his very armor puncturing through the ceiling above.

Flashing lights- some that even hung lifelessly from their sockets- sparked and whirred, illuminating his shadowy figure within a divine display of chaos and creation.

The denizen of Chaldea's kitchen larder stood tall (and covered in flour), his spirit growling a respectful admission of entry to the approaching mage.

Cupboards marked with claw marks, bowls of flour dashed wildly against the floor, sugar and salt trailed within an alluringly tempting line; Ritsuka trembled with horror at the denizen's messy altar. 

Tail punctured through the cooling system, bewildered- yet solemn- red eyes gazed back into Ritsuka's own, as the mage stared directly at the towering abyss facing them.

It was none other than Cu Alter, with a raw fish flopping mercilessly against the forceful tides of his pearly, powerful gnashing teeth.

"What in the actual- NOO! NOT MY FAVORITE SNACKS, CU ALTER!!! WHYYY!!"

What was once Ritsuka's favorite snack cupboard was now a wake of death and destruction, bags piled onto the floor. As they desperately searched through the fallen heap for their favorite brand of crisps, Cu Alter relinquished a quiet belch.

A strangely polite way to burp, considering all of the chaos he had unleashed.

"Ate them." His words were muffled against the flapping of the fish that was still ominously hanging within his mouth, like a bearer of curses. "Do your worst."

"All of them? Did you really eat ALL of them, Cu Alter?!!" Eyes brimming with unshed tears, Ritsuka passionately flashed out their arms, all the fatigue from before forgotten within an instant. "You've basically turned this place into your own nesting grounds!!!"

"Winners take the spoils first. Chain the beast if victory is what you desire, Master. Mark this nest as your own, if you dare."

'Agh, not his riddles again,' Ritsuka sighed, sucking in a deep breath. "I'm not going to punish you- though I'm pissed off! But you could've at least saved ONE packet for me!"

"Stop whining and come earlier, then. The general is first to take the spoils. That is the rule of war."

"But snacking after everyone else- at midnight- is what I love to do- it's my special time! It's the only peace and quiet I get all day!!"

"If you need peace and quiet, simply order this spear to stab all those who threaten said peace." Eyes narrowed in contemplation, the Berserker paused- only then to realise something. Like a moth yearning for a light source, he suddenly moved; the larder floor struggling against the weight of the fridge Cu Alter's tail dragged, screeching and squealing from the force.

Slowly pacing his way towards Ritsuka, he encroached upon their space- as an excited (?) mass of intimidating power.

"You alright there, Cu Alter?" Suppressing chuckles at the surreal sight, Ritsuka's eyes widened at the palm that gently pawed at their hand, Cu Alter's venomous claws akin to soft feathers. "Oh.."

"Put your palms out." As soon as Ritsuka does so, a stray packet of their favorite crisps landed with a feather-light touch into their palms, Cu Alter's claws tickling the flesh of their skin. "It's all worthless trash, anyway. Take it, I don't care."

What he left behind was a packet of Ritsuka's favorite snack, the bag as clean as dawn itself.

"Oh... thank you! I'm so grateful. Damn, so you didn't eat them all, after all." All that Ritsuka received in reply was a sharp grunt, the berserker refusing to look their way. "Anyway, Cu Alter. What's going on here?" Pointing to all of the destruction and food scraps surrounding them, Ritsuka chuckled slightly. "You trying to make something?"

"Even beasts must take sustenance. I grab, and devour. Mindlessly, endlessly. It is what I am." Fish flapping with every word, it was extremely difficult to take the melancholy nature of his words seriously. "It is my duty."

'Seriously, this guy... He's like me when I swallow a cucumber whole.' Crouching down besides the Berserker, Ritsuka began to pack the mess away, winking as Cu Alter shoots him a confused glance.

"If you need help cooking, just ask. You can do that, you know?"

"A weapon has no need for assistance. Your purpose is to solely point me at the enemy, not- oi!"

"You're burning your food, Cu Alter. Okay, I'm going to help you cook and clean tonight- no objections allowed." The oven was filled with charring remains that were meant to be food, Ritsuka's expression softening at the sight. 'Even this guy needs a bit of help sometimes, eh?'

"Don't need it. I'll devour you, and take the bones if you keep this up."

"I doubt you will. Now let's get to making the best midnight snack ever, and making this place like brand new!!! How about it, Cu Alter?"

"...Shut up." His tone was harsh, yet his gaze was unreadable, claws struggling to pry cans open. "Take this can." Hesitantly thrusting it towards Ritsuka, a faint blush edged upon his sharp cheekbones, runic tattoos gleaming within the shadowy light.

"You can take it. You were the one who was able to defeat me, after all. Use my shadow to create a brighter light, Master."

What was once a safe haven for one became a peaceful atelier for two, Master and Servant working together in tandem.

'I'm glad I went for a midnight snack tonight.'