Chapter Text
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Chapter One: Broken.
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.:.
I used to see in colour
Now it’s a wave of grey
Feel and pull me under
Drowning in the disarray
There’s no escape
-- Closing In, by Ruelle.
.:.
The darkness was setting in, the air was cooling, and the birds were chirping. The stench of death hadn’t scared them away. It was only the dying sun that wavered as it filtered down through the tops of the trees above her, with soft beams of shifting light. What little illumination could be seen was beginning its silent, slow end-of-the-day death. And the soft breeze that precipitated the cold night air brought only the stench of dead bodies to her nose. She was surrounded and it wouldn’t be long before the fauna that wriggled under the forest floor would claw their way into the night.
To feed. To crawl into the hollowed-out tree stump she’d been using for cover.
Only prickly shrubbery that had germinated its way up into the stump through dead roots to fill in the empty carcass of what used to be a tree would be witness to that humiliating end. However, the threat of carnivores or bugs or whatever might have a taste for her flesh was not the problem. They were nothing compared to the heavy footsteps of what was hunting her. Those predators who did not eat their prey.
Foreign shinobi.
Sakura Haruno was used to this by now, but it never failed to surprise her how often it happened. It was supposed to be a reconnaissance mission. She was supposed to stay out of the territory she was watching but shit had happened and now her whole team was dead. She felt a stab of pain, remembering how the two Shinobi she barely knew had met their fate at the hands of her hunters. The memory of their screams was the only thing keeping her from jumping out of her hiding spot and attacking these animals. There had been no rhyme or reason to their barbarity. And she had no reasoning to excuse a brazen attack on them now. Not in her pitiful state.
I would not survive.
And it would be a slow end. But really, was that such a bad thing? Did she actually care about that, after everything?
She sighed as quietly as she could, closing her eyes. All ninja could sense nearby chakra, though the chakra needed to be powerful or released in large quantities for that to happen: those words were straight from the ninja handbook. So, it surprised Sakura when the foreign ninja began patrolling through the area, expelling chakra from themselves like they were trying to alert her to their positions. Or using it like echolocation to ping her position.
Maybe they’re just toying with me. Fuckers.
There were enough of them that she was not only surrounded, but out of her league, especially in her broken condition. Instinctively, Sakura attempted to push her chakra signature down even further. There was no need to do so really, as she had already supressed it as much as humanly possible, and her chakra reserves were practically empty anyway.
Her captain had killed the enemy sensory ninja in his final explosion of chakra, which nearly took out half the fucking forest, but it wouldn’t be long before they sent for another one. All Sakura could hope for was that recovering her beaten body wasn’t worth scouring the forest all night. She could pretend to be a part of the dead tree trunk that was currently digging into her back as if it too viewed her as an enemy and wanted to punish her for her oversight. Knees under her chin. Arms wrapped around her legs. Like a child.
The muffled sounds of unfamiliar voices made her eyes snap open, and it took all of Sakura’s self-control not to gasp loudly at the sudden intrusion to her peripherals. Someone sat in the undergrowth of the next tree over, staring at her. On the edge of her vision, it was just a blur. A mirage. But as she slowly turned her head, her heart racing, her palm sweating, Sakura’s vision suddenly cleared.
Eyes wide and breath hitching, she bit her lip to keep from gasping in surprise.
It was an image of herself. Something human shaped that was wearing her face. A face that was broken and bruised. A body that was covered in gashes. Clothes that were torn and bloodied. A long, open gash on her face; like someone had taken a blade and cut her slowly in one ragged line from the top of her right ear and down to the bottom of her left cheek. The path of its destruction was remarkably similar to a wound she’d endured six months ago. But bloodier. And more brutal. Of course, the real Sakura had healed it perfectly while bleeding profusely as her chakra waned, in the middle of yet another battle that could’ve been avoided with better intel.
What is this thing looking at me? Looking like me?
Sakura closed her eyes again, willing it to just leave. It looked too much like a past version of herself. But when she tentatively opened her eyes again, it was still there, sitting on its haunches like a wild animal in human form and staring right at her, looking through her, unblinkingly. Intently. As though waiting for her to acknowledge its existence. She couldn’t control the trembling of her body.
I must have a concussion.
This wasn’t right. It took her a few minutes to calm down and she still wasn’t sure if she was hallucinating or not. What the hell was this thing? Staring, silent, and creepy, that’s what. Sakura sighed at her silent companion.
I’m definitely going crazy.
Even in her delusion she dared not utter a sound. She wanted to reach out and touch the phantom, to see if she really had lost all her marbles. If it was an enemy jutsu then her position would be overrun by now. No, this was something else. But she couldn’t move. A few inches too much in any direction and her movement would alert her position to the enemy. The enemy who apparently wasn’t trying to psychologically scar her after all.
Enemy.
She inwardly scoffed at that. Several years ago, they were coming together for peace talks. If Sakura had her way, things would still be that way. But apparently, the Shadow Master that now ruled Konoha with an iron fist didn’t like that. He’d cut off trade routes in order to gain leverage in negotiations, lied about neighbouring countries during disputes, and undermined the internal politics of several other nations just to make a few extra ryō. And he treated his own ninja like kunai and bombs.
Danzo.
He liked to send on her missions where others had died failing to complete it. Her current, allegedly simple mission had gone awry when they’d realised that they were being watched. So here she was, hiding in the middle of a forest, with her chakra depleted, her wounds open and likely infected, while all she could think about was what a shithole this world had become for her.
Tsunade dead.
Ino dead.
Her teammates all dead.
So many dead.
The Konoha Eleven dwindled to a handful. The jounin and chunin leaf shinobi she knew and cared about, from all over the village, gone. Whatever ninja who couldn’t stand working for Danzo had been forced to flee not only Konoha, but the land of fire as well. In fear for their own safety. In the safeguard of their souls. They had disappeared so effectively. Who knew where any of them were. She had no-one.
The foreign shinobi now scenting the air for her blood weren’t the enemy. Danzo was. Root was. The Foundation. But she couldn’t do anything about that.
Not to mention this phantom that my exhausted, damaged mind seems to have conjured up.
It was still staring at her. She’d decided it was a mirage.
An abrupt sound nearby had her holding her breath. They were barely several feet away now, but thankfully heading in the opposite direction. They were leaving. (Was her blood really that dry? That weak?) They must be giving up though. She had to be dead by now. Her wound was gaping and could’ve hit a vital artery for all they knew. They didn’t know she was a medic. Her face covered in the Anbu mask that she’d taken on at Danzo’s order had hidden her identity. It was almost laughable and disrespectful how he’d forced her to wear such a thing. She wasn’t Anbu. But even more important to this Hokage was that nobody knew they were fighting the former Hokage's protégé.
What would they do then, I wonder?
Sakura had thought, many times, of disobeying and taking it off. Scrunching up her face and brow in consternation, she always took a moment to debate it before returning to Konoha. With Root all over the nations and spies everywhere, defying him was a death sentence and some twisted part of her still wanted to live. A part of her that should’ve died off long ago. It hadn’t done her any favours. But no. She would behave herself, providing that doing so kept her alive. An aching in her heart and head wouldn’t let her allow everything to just end. Not yet. She had to keep the ghosts that haunted her happy somehow. She almost laughed out loud at that ridiculous thought. The truth was so much worse than that.
The sound of her alleged enemy became distant, but it wasn’t until she could no longer sense them in any discernible way that Sakura finally let out a deep and noisy breath. She immediately relaxed her frame and winced at the pain as her muscles tormented her for it. Clenching her fist, Sakura’s hand involuntarily clasped the straps of the bag that sat next to her, under a few unruly and woody stems of the shrubbery around her. She’d almost forgotten about her travel bag. She picked it up and held it to her breast.
She blinked heavily, her body now shaking. She was alive. She was fine. Yes. Fine. Sakura took another deep breath and let herself cry. Just for a few minutes. She’d survived. Again. Her mind felt like it was going to break, but she was stronger than Danzo. She was better than he thought and even though he couldn’t kill her outright without looking like he was just killing off the old order, that day was still looming over her.
Sakura trembled as she forced herself up and onto shaky legs. It was a small victory, but she’d done it. Compared to the ones who hadn’t returned, what did she have to complain about?
She heard a loud scoff and spun around, suddenly remembering the phantom that had been staring at her. The image that looked like a torn and bloodied corpse of Sakura Haruno smirked at her before flickering then shimmering before disappearing completely.
What the fuck?
.:.
Blood trailed behind her, but she was beyond caring. Nobody was tracking her anyway and if some random team discovered it, it would just lead them back to the leaf – a fortress more than a village these days. They would either attempt to enter and get captured or leave before they were detected and killed. Captured or killed. Whichever was on the itinerary of the Root guards that day.
Sakura hesitated at the sight of the main gates to Konoha, blinking heavily. There was something in her eyes. The gates were painfully familiar but looked so different to the ones she used to take for granted in her early kunoichi days. She contemplated, yet again, just making a run for it. Surely Danzo would just assume she’d gotten herself killed this time. It did seem to be the purpose of these thinly veiled missions he’d assigned her lately. Apparently, her medical skills were no longer necessary, which boggled her mind. She was still as sharp and methodical with a chakra scalpel as she’d ever been. Originally, when the Hokage had taken over, she’d stayed in the village through her determination to do some good under his thumb. That and her friends and family were still in the village. She couldn’t just run out on them.
But things were different now. Most of the people she used to know before this regime were dead or M.I.A. She had nobody to stay for. Not really. Her parents were shells of their former selves so mourning her now would be just another day at the office. Everyone was expecting her to drop dead any day now, with the way Danzo had been handing out these kinds of missions to troublemakers.
And the people of Konoha were kept under a strict rule but they were safe. She clutched at her chest, ignoring the blood that had yet to dry on her shirt. She no longer held her Anbu mask as it had broken, alongside the bodies of the actual Anbu who’d accompanied her. There was no reason for her not to turn around and disappear into the foliage. Perhaps she could sell her services to someone who’d appreciate it. There were many who hated Fire now. She could dye her hair, change her name, and adopt a civilian lifestyle. Yes, she could go to one of the neutral territories where nobody knew her and spend her days healing the victims of Danzo’s senseless war.
A war nobody is officially recognising that he’s waging.
Everything hurt. Her arms. Her legs. Her heart. Her head. Especially her head. Sakura decided she definitely had a concussion.
But her feet began the familiar walk toward the gates, without waiting for her permission. Kotetsu and Izumo used to man the entry. Now the faceless Root did. They watched her silently as she strode through, trying to exude a strength and confidence that she just did not have. Sakura had no doubt that they were already contacting Danzo to tell him she’d survived. Too bad, she wouldn’t get to see the honest disappointment on his ugly, weathered face. Her eyes drifted up to the Hokage monument, but she didn’t slow her gait. Seeing them once again brought righteous anger to her heart. Though time and enough lashings for speaking out had taught her to keep these traitorous feelings to herself, nothing could truly quash them.
She stopped in front of the Hokage building, her feet no longer working against her will.
What did Ino used to say? Only ugly men want to rule the world?
Her hands started to shake so she gripped her travel bag tight enough to cut off circulation, wrapping her fingers over the strap like she was throttling Danzo and all his little minions. It was a nice thought. And if she did it, then the sweet bliss of nothingness would be her reward. Death at the hands of Root was not her intention. Nor was it something that scared her. No, she’d strangle Danzou then slit her own throat and be done with it. Go out killing a murderer and save herself the long, agonising, painful death that his loyalists would plan for her.
Bliss.
Sakura didn’t flinch as the door opened suddenly in front of her. A shinobi ten years her senior stared at her for a second and slowed down for a moment before leaving hurriedly. A flicker of recognition on his face before it quickly fell away had her heart racing for a moment. Then there was a look of pity, and finally his expression went blank. Like they weren’t comrades in a ninja village. Like they weren’t on the same side. He didn’t even hold the door open for her, just noting that she stood there like a dumb fuck who hadn’t clued onto the fact that they were a walking corpse and moved on. She had no idea who he even was.
The silence of her unimportance was deafening.
.:.
“What are you doing here?”
Sakura bowed ever so slightly, careful not to show too much respect. “I’m giving my report on the mission, Lord Hokage.”
Danzo glared at her. “And your team?”
Her left eye twitched. “Dead, sir.”
“Again.”
Fuck you.
“Yes, sir.”
He sighed. “I suppose it’s too much to ask the protégé of the useless Slug Princess to keep her team alive. Weak. Like her.”
Fuck you twice over and shove a hot poker up your arse.
Sakura twitched again. In the days following his take over, she would’ve destroyed this room for that remark. Or maybe just his desk. Now, she’d learned not to lash out. And she knew what it must’ve felt like for the children he stole and turned into Root, to be punished for having human emotions.
She picked at the dark uniform she wore. It was ripped and bloodied and dirty; gone were the days when Leaf ninja stood out from the darkness the shinobi once immerse themselves in. But she hadn’t learned to do it properly. She touched the side of her face, where a katana slice had destroyed her fake Anbu mask. Or maybe she had.
Why else do I keep surviving these suicide missions he sends me on?
“And the intel you were supposed to gather?”
Sakura rifled through her bag and found the scroll, tossing it to Danzo unceremoniously. If nothing else, the deaths of her comrades had afforded information that might save others. Whatever that information was. It wasn’t just her own blood on her uniform, after all.
“I suppose this will have to do.” He motioned for a Root Anbu who stepped out of the shadows, took the scroll and teleported away. “Now, for your next assignment.”
Already?
Why was she surprised? The only time she’d gotten to rest in the past six months had been in the moments on missions where she had to stay hidden. Sleeping in a tree trunk or passed out in the back of a civilian wagon when undercover. She still had the blonde wig from that mission that made her look like a prostitute. She’d long since lost her virginity so that mission hadn’t been as traumatic as Danzou had clearly been hoping it would be.
“You still cried like a baby.”
Sakura glanced around slightly to see where that had come from. It certainly hadn’t come from her. She was reminded of the strange mirage in the forest, but the only people in the room were Danzou, his protection, and Sakura herself. There were also his numerous books that lined his east facing shelf. Like “Transportation through the Decades” and “Ninja Seals and How to Undo them”. Sakura almost scoffed at that. She turned back to the Hokage, schooling her features. His gravelly voice broke through her thoughts, and she sighed. He was saying something. She forced herself to listen.
“I wonder what kind of mission could be so simple that even you won’t mess it up.”
Sakura had no idea. If she wasn’t meant to survive the last six months, then he could easily just have her killed outright. It would save him time if nothing else. She’d convinced herself that would be bad for him but would it really? There was something else going on with him. It wasn’t just a desire to see her crawl home or disappear in a hole. These missions had something in common. She could feel it in her bones. But she was given so few moments to herself that she didn’t have the time to try working it out.
So many of her comrades were dead. Mostly ninja loyal to Tsunade. But it also didn’t make sense to reduce their numbers. They’d fall behind all the other hidden villages and, if nothing else, Danzo could be trusted to not want to appear weak to the rest of the ninja nations.
What are you up to? She asked thoughtfully as he appraised her.
Her eyes widened slightly as his gaze slowly raked over her body.
Is it a seduction mission again?
She shuddered involuntarily, pushing down those disgusting memories. No. It couldn’t be. Everyone knew those were only being assigned to ninja he trusted, now. This decision had come after Tenten had accidentally killed her target when he tried to share her with “friends”. Sakura hadn’t seen her since, but she knew the weapon’s mistress was still alive. At least, that was what she kept telling herself. Even with how the civilians would whisper, Danzo could easily make any of them disappear. But Sakura wondered how people talked about the sudden disappearances of so many.
She couldn’t rule out the possibility that Danzo wanted her to sleep with some random idiot. She’d had Root assigned babysitters on those missions before. She shuddered again. Perverts the lot of them. The idea of having to go back to flirting with and fucking around with random strangers to get them into dark corners so she could get information off them made her want to vomit. It wasn’t her thing. It always made her feel dirty. And not the good kind of dirty. Sakura had the confidence to talk to men, but not the tolerance for the bullshit they spouted while trying to charm her. Nor the way they made her skin crawl.
Maybe it was because she no longer thought of anyone in particular when she touched herself.
Sakura blinked slowly. Then shifted her body slightly; her stomach clenched painfully. The almost-consequence of the last seduction mission made her glad when Danzo had stopped sending her on them. Sakura laughed at herself, internally, for that. She’d rather die than bring a child into this world.
Time’s a-ticking.
She’d rather die than get into a situation where Danzo could reign supreme over decisions pertaining to her body. More so than he already was, anyway. Sakura looked over as a masked Root member appeared suddenly and whispered in his master’s ear. Danzo looked surprised, tapping his desk impatiently. Sakura zoned out again. By the time she zoned back in, they were still talking in whispers, occasionally glancing at her like she was a monkey in a zoo. A badly behaved monkey that needed to be euthanized but in the least humane way possible.
She caught a few words, like “traitors” and “under the guise of” as well as “can’t be trusted”. It sounded like the same rhetoric he’d spouted to keep the residents of Konoha from a full-on revolt. Fear and subjugation in the hands of a man who operated in the shadows and knew nothing of the light he coveted. That light being the Hokage chair.
Danzo waved the aid away and stared down at Sakura, suddenly very interested in her. “Well, well,” he said. “It seems I have the perfect mission for you after all.”
She didn’t want to know what it was. The twisted look on his face made her wary. Her entire body tensed, like it was autonomously preparing for battle. Her instinct was to take a step back, but any sign of weakness would just make him draw this out even longer. She forced her face into a deadpan expression as he rested his chin on his clasped hands in front of him.
“I was going to use some random nobody, but you fit the bill nice enough.”
More insults on her worth.
“Something so straightforward you couldn’t screw it up.”
More assaults on her character.
“Not that I’d expect you to understand.”
More questions about her intelligence.
“But what else could you possibly be good for?”
She started fantasising about ripping his head away from the rest of his body. His spine would still be attached to the base of his skull and blood would be flying everywhere. She was a medic. But the image she was conjuring in her head was not remotely as disgusting as the worst thing she’d ever seen. Her face was impassive as he continued to talk down to her. She didn’t react to the way he degraded and verbally abused her. Not anymore.
Cut off all his limbs and break all his bones. Not to mention his withered dick.
Sakura dissociated for what felt like hours but couldn’t be any more than sixty seconds before blinking slowly, becoming aware of her surroundings again. What was he saying now? Nothing. Danzo was staring at her expectantly. Was it because he wanted her to rage at him or because he’d just asked a question? She raised her eyebrows at him instead, hoping he’d interpret that… in some way. However, he wanted to, she didn’t care, as long as it meant she could get out of here as soon as possible. She stunk like a horse’s arse.
“It doesn’t bother you?” He asked.
Damn it.
She missed what the mission was.
“If I may?” She asked and he didn’t respond, so she continued. “Can you please repeat that?”
He scoffed at her. “Hard of hearing, are you? Very well.”
Sakura almost forgot to breathe when he repeated himself.
What the actual fuck?
Of all the things she could’ve imagined Danzo would use to get her out of the way once and for all, this was not it. What happened to good old-fashioned torture? They could go back to that. Had he no self-respect? He waved the mission scroll about mockingly.
“Of course, if you’re not up to it, there are a few even grittier missions, such as your previous one, up for grabs. And since you keep crawling back here, you must like them. The next will be worse, I fear.”
Sakura bit her tongue to keep from snapping back at him. She had a temper. One that even before Danzo’s takeover, she had some semblance of control over. It was just specific people and circumstances that set her off. Naruto’s…
She clenched her fists tightly.
Don’t think about him.
She had enough problems. She ground her teeth together. “I am to spy for you?”
He scoffed and she realised that wasn’t her role. It would’ve been a natural side mission to the one he was forcing on her, and she reasoned that she was only being sent as a distraction. Or political leverage. He didn’t care if she succeeded or failed. Kunoichi were only a distraction, as far as he was concerned. Tools, just like any shinobi, but even more so. He’d brought it up often enough. This mission would make her eye candy at best and fodder at worst.
And if she tried to reject this mission…
“I’ll have no further use for you,” he said, and Sakura realised she’d asked the question out loud.
Which means… she’d be robbed of her kunoichi status and become a civilian. She clenched her fists and narrowed her eyes. She’d seen this happen before; other leaf ninja she’d cared about had chosen the civilian option and… disappeared shortly after. Nobody questioned the disappearance of a civilian. Even one that had fought, bled, killed, and almost died for the village many times. All their belongings still in their apartment. All their sealed jutsu and weapons suddenly missing. Six months of watching her march to her death only to return more broken and bleeding than before seemed to have lost its appeal. She was now to be tossed out like trash that nobody cared what happened to it.
I will not die that way.
They both knew she had no choice. But at least this way, she could get away from Danzo. Away from the constant suicide missions and blatant insults. Away from the stink of her life. Sooner or later, one of those suicide missions would hit their target and she would be freed. But… Sakura glanced to her right as something shimmered on the edge of her vision, but just out of sight. A familiar stranger who wore her face.
She could escape to someone who everyone knew held no love for the current Hokage.
Sakura took the scroll from her Hokage and nodded in mock respect. “I accept.”
The grin on his face made her stomach churn. She wanted to rant and scream. Her face twisted into a glare before she could stop herself, but she quickly schooled her features. Sakura waited impatiently as he laid down the unwritten rules to her. She waited impatiently to be freed from Danzo’s grasp, not glancing at the Root member who was apparently going to accompany her like a shadow under orders from a man who wanted to flay her alive.
Sakura gripped the mission scroll tightly. She was heading to Suna. She would have a Root babysitter, but this wasn’t going to be like her previous missions. This time, the enemy would not be some random foreign shinobi that Danzo had slighted and was out for leaf blood. No, this time she was going to make it through without getting the blood of her companions on her person.
But if I can get this Root babysitter killed I will.
Despite her initial reservations, she suddenly felt good about this. Though the niggling voice in the back of her head told her that he wasn’t going to be happy to see her. The dark voice that said she didn’t deserve to get away from Danzo. But she had a new mission now. One that should’ve given her more pause than this but didn’t.
I’m heading to Suna.
To marry Gaara.
.:.