Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Vespera: There are two types of people. Those who are the victim, and those who have victims.  

Gethen: UMBER IS CHASING ME WITH A KNIFE AFTER I KILLED HER CAT!

Vespera: Make that three.

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Gisela: Good morning!

Fintan: Morning.

Vespera: Hello.

Brant: Hey!

Alvar: Hi!

Umber: Good night.

Trix: What’s up!

Ruy: You guys are boring. Give me something original.

Gethen: HELLO ASSHOLES, MOTHERFUCKERS, BITCHES, SLUTS, AND HOES!

Vespera: Dear god!

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Ruy: Has anyone wondered why the Blackswan calls what we do ‘kidnapping’?

Alvar: Because it is?

Ruy: No, but what if we capture an adult?

Umber: I’m getting out of here.

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*Ruy sings*

Umber: Your singing is horrible. 

Ruy: Why don’t you try it then?

Umber: …touché. 

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Gisela: Did you know that if you add violently in front of any statement, it makes the statement funnier?

Fintan: Violently hates Gisela.

Ruy: Violently eats.

Umber: Violently sprints.

Vespera: Violently kills.

Gethen: Violently agrees with the previous statement. 

Alvar: Violently worries about the previous statement.

Trix: Violently wants everyone to shut up.

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Gisela: I can't get anything done when Gethen and Ruy are around.

Fintan: That’s why I left you with them.

Alvar: What makes you say they’re that bad?

Umber: Well, Ruy is trying to see how many hamburgers he can fit into his mouth, and Gethen is currently making a sculpture. 

Alvar: Why is making a sculpture so bad?

Umber: He’s making it out of one of the dead prisoners because I commented how that dude stunk the place up since Ruy has yet to throw him out. 

Alvar: It’s all one circle.

Gisela: Truly a menace to society.

Fintan: And this is why I ditched them.

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Trix: I hate it when people keep calling me a ‘he’. I’m a ‘they’ for goodness sake. 

Umber: I’m a she.

Alvar: I’m a he.

Ruy: I’m a gay. 

Gethen: Well, if Ruy is a gay then I must be a chair.

Trix: That isn’t how pronouns work.

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Alvar: I’m going to be Ruy’s personal trainer.

Trix: Why?

Alvar: Because he’s skinny.

Ruy: HOW DARE YOU BODY SHAME A CHILD!

Alvar: For the last time, you aren’t a baby.

Ruy: My parents said I was.

Umber: Oh wow.

Brant: Your childhood scares me.

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Gisela: I think we’re stuck in the past.

Brant: What makes you say that?

Gisela: Have you seen our fashion sense and governing system?

Fintan: Well, I think we’re stuck in the future.

Gethen: What makes you say that?

Fintan: Our technology and the knowledge we have as a race.

Vespera: Let's just stick with the present. 

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Ruy: What’s a one-sided figure?

Alvar: Circle.

Ruy: Three?

Umber: Triangle.

Ruy: Six?

Brant: Hexagon.

Ruy: Nine?

Vespera: Nonagon.

Ruy: Now, what about zero?

Gisela: Ruy, what happened to your education?

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Gisela: Gethen, I dare you to kiss the most attractive person in this room.

Gethen: Gisela.

*blushes hard*

Gisela: Oh um…

Gethen: Move it, I need to get to Umber.

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What The Neverseen thinks The Blackswan is like:

Sophie: KEEFE! YOU GIVE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW!

Keefe: No can do Foster!

Mr. Forkle: You kids.

What The Blackswan is actually like:

Sophie: Plan to destroy The Neverseen!

Linh: We could flood their bases.

Biana: I say we sneak in and find all of their secrets.

Fitz: We could blow the place up.

Mr. Forkle: You kids are doing an excellent job at planning.

What The Blackswan thinks The Neverseen are like:

Fintan: How to destroy the world?

Gisela: Cut off the food supply.

Alvar: Kidnap them

Gethen: Feed dangerous information so they go insane and kill one another.

Umber: Sedate everyone.

What The Neverseen is actually like:

Umber: ALRIGHT WHO ATE MY LUNCH!

Ruy: I WANNA GO HOME!

Fintan: I DECLARE A ROAST BATTLE AGAINST GISELA!

Gisela: OH, YOU ARE SO ON!

Gethen: GUYS I FOUND A KNIFE!

Alvar: PUT THE KNIFE DONE BEFORE YOU BRUTALLY MURDER SOMEONE!

Vespera: MY GOD THIS ORGANIZATION IS GETTING ON MY NERVES!

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Gisela: Problem 2! If there are 5 toys and 6 children, what do you do?

Fintan: Ask Gisela to conjure another toy.

Brant: Burn the toys.

Umber: Take the toys away.

Trix: Send one of the kids to timeout because they were misbehaving.

Vespera: Kill a child.

Ruy: Kill all the children. Those toys are mine!

Gethen: When would I even be in this situation?

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Trix: What does the number 36 mean to you?

Gisela: Money.

Fintan: Math.

Brant: A full circle.

Ruy: Airplanes.

Vespera: An even number.

Gethen: Why would I give a fuck about the number 36?

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Umber: You have an ugly face.

Alvar: Hey!

Trix: Umber, apologize to Alvar.

Umber: I’m sorry you have an ugly face.

Gethen: Umber, you can’t be talking. Have you seen those mirrors? They’re shattered because of you. 

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Fintan: Sometimes I wonder why I am even alive if everything I have done is in ruins.

Gisela: There are plenty of people out in the world that would love to see you dead y’know.

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Vespera: What’s your favorite subject, Gisela?

Gisela: Science! I learned that fire can’t survive without oxygen. 

Fintan: Well Brant, looks like we better start learning how to breathe without oxygen. 

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Trix: I’m confused, you can survive in low degree temperatures…

Fintan: Yes.

Trix: …and high degree temperatures?

Brant: Yes.

Umber: What about normal temperatures?

Fintan: Oh, we’ll die if it’s in between 50 and 80.

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Ruy: How many -cides are there?

Alvar: What do you mean?

Ruy: Example, suicide.

Gethen: Well, there’s suicide, pesticide, homicide, genocide, fungicide, municide…

Umber: Gethen, enough!

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Trix: I was walking down the street one day and saw two men that definitely looked gay for each other. So, I'm like, “It’s Ruy and Alvar all over again.” And to my surprise, it was in fact Ruy and Alvar. Oh, and apparently Ruy grew a mustache. 

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Fintan: Foxfire’s learning curriculum is horrible! When I’m Councillor again, I am bound to change it.

Gisela: You do realize that you’re agreeing with Bronte, right?

Fintan: Why yes! Bronte is an excellent man!

Gethen: CALL THE GAY POLICE!

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When Keefe first joins The Neverseen

Ruy: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something?

Umber: Nope. Absolutely not.

Brant: I hope it sucks whatever you’re going through.

Trix: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you. 

Gethen: I can’t wait to go to your funeral knowing I could’ve changed that outcome. 

Fintan: Welcome to The Neverseen!

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Alvar: I wonder, if we were human, what mental illnesses would we have?

Gethen: Just gonna put this out there right now, I would every single fucking thing and would currently be in a mental hospital. Today would mark the two decades since I was mentally destroyed.

Umber: Well that just got dark.

Ruy: I was just gonna say OCD, but ok?

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Gethen: You have exactly three seconds to tell me why you just woke me up.

Ruy: It was morning, and we had a meeting today.

Gethen: Well, interesting. I didn’t know you wanted to die today.

Alvar: You can’t kill him, Gethen.

Gethen: Too late, I’ve already decided how. And Alvar, you’re also going to join.

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Fintan: What does fire mean to me?

Gisela on the side: Uhhhh…

Fintan: What does AIR MEAN TO MY LUNGS!

Gisela: Someone help me kill him.

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Umber: How much money would it take for you to kill someone?

Gethen: 20 lusters.

Umber: You would kill someone for 20 lusters?

Gethen: Yeah! I’ll kill a guy for that. You got 20 lusters on you?

Umber: Yeah, I do.

Gethen: Great! Who am I killing!?

Umber: I’m not giving you 20 lusters to kill someone.

Gethen: I’ll do it for 10! I’ll do two for 20.

Umber: It’s not about the money!

Gethen: How about five!

Umber: What’s wrong with you!

Gethen: I just wanna kill a guy!

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Alvar: I need a four-letter word for disappointment.

Umber: Trix.

Alvar: Omg, it fits.

Trix: EXCUSE ME!

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Ruy: I need a, BiG mAc. SuPeRsIzE mY fIrEs! WhY yOu StArInG aT mE, pLeAsE gO gEt mY aPpLe PiE! I nEeD a DiEt CoKe To WaSh It aLl DoWn!

Gisela: We really need to take Ruy off the Internet. 

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Alvar: Hey dad.

Alden: Hello son.

Alvar: By the way dad, I’m bringing my boyfriend over tomorrow. 

Alden: YOUR WHAT!? FIRST YOU RUN OFF AND JOIN THE REBEL GROUP THAT MY WIFE AND YOUR SIBLINGS ARE TRYING TO STOP, AND NOW YOU’RE GAY!?

Alvar: Dad, I’m bisexual. 

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Alvar: All my life I thought air was free…that is until I bought a bag of chips.

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Brant: Adults are the most insanely stupid people I have the displeasure of interacting with. 

Trix and Ruy: Even us? 

Brant: Especially you guys. 

Ruy: Petition to kick Brant out so he stops insulting us. 

Trix: Seconded.

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*Gethen is speaking on the phone* 

Gethen: Yeah, I'm with Alvar. 

Alvar: I'm fucking dying.

Gethen: Yep, he’s okay. 

Alvar: I have a knife in my chest! 

Gethen: No, he can't talk right now. He's sleeping, sorry. 

Alvar: I'M BLEEDING OUT!

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Alvar: Something’s off. 

Fitz: Maybe you’ve finally developed human emotions and feel bad for hurting people. 

Alvar: No, but that’s funny.

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Brant: I'd roast you, but my mom says I can't burn trash. 

*slow-mo walks out of the room*

Gethen: That is the worst roast I have ever seen.

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Alvar: Go on, give Fintan a compliment. 

Gisela: How do you expect me to do that? 

Alvar: Just say something that you wish someone would say to you. 

Gisela:  Uhh… You are now unbanned from Free Ham Sandwich Day! 

Fintan, sobbing: Nobody’s ever said that to me before!

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Umber: I’ve only ever said ‘I love you’ to two people in my entire life: Trix and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Trix.

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Fintan: Gisela, I have a couple of words to say to you. 

Umber: Please let those two words be “I’m sorry.” 

Gethen: I’m ready with the bleep button if not.

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Ruy: Boo! Boo, I say! 

Alvar: Ruy? 

Ruy: Oh, I am not Ruy. I am the scariest thing known to mankind. A failed math test! 

Alvar: Yeah, right… I’m gonna move on now… 

Ruy: You can run, but it won’t be to the college of your choice!

Trix: Now I'm confused.

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Ruy: Why isn’t the statue smirking at me? 

Alvar: It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it. 

Gisela: Three of us saw it, Alvar. How do you explain that? 

Alvar: *points at Gethen* Sleep deprivation. *points at Umber* Paranoia. *points at Vespera* Personality disorder.

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*Ruy, walking around disappointed after visiting an aquarium* 

Alvar: Ruy, what did you think a tiger shark was?

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Gethen: Who would you swipe right for? Fintan or Brant? 

Gisela: I would delete the app.

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Alvar: I’m the smartest person in my friend group. 

Gisela: You hang out with Ruy, Umber, Trix, and Gethen. 

Alvar: It’s not as high a compliment as you think.

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Umber: Oh, they left the bowl out? It says, “Take two pieces of candy.” 

Gethen: Nobody around though… 

*grabs the entire bowl and runs off with it* 

Umber: NO!

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Brant: Today, Gethen said a swear word, so Vespera said that she was going to wash Gethen’s mouth out with soap. Gethen replied, “It’s okay, I like the taste of soap”. Turns out, he has been putting soap on his lips to blow bubbles.

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*Gethen drunkenly wanders around the house and Ruy is drunkenly giggling* 

Trix, completely sober: *sighs* Well, it looks like it's just me and you against the world, Umber. 

Umber, going to her room: Nope, just you.

*shuts door*

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Ruy: When I get Doordash I order 20 Cheeseburgers at a time and heat them up throughout the week so that I don’t have to pay the delivery fee multiple times. 

Alvar: I hope you understand how food poisoning works. 

Ruy: I hope food poisoning understands how I work. I never met a burger I couldn't eat.

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Della: How was your day, Alvar? 

Alvar: Yeah, fine, it's anti-bullying week in The Neverseen. 

Della: Oh? And what does that mean? 

Alvar: It means I can't bully anyone for a whole week.

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*Umber pours the milk before the cereal*

Trix: Call the exorcist.

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Trix: Umber, you're my best friend. 

Umber: Best friend? BEST friend?! Bitch, I'm your only friend. I'M THE ONLY ONE CAPABLE OF TOLERATING YOUR DUMB ASS!

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Brant: Hey guys! I drew everyone's soul! 

Trix: Why is Gethen's a monster? 

Ruy: Brant, you forgot Vespera's! It's only an empty space! 

Brant, proudly: Exactly.

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Gisela:  What happened?! 

Gethen: Do you want the long version or the short version? 

Gisela: Sh-short?? 

Gethen: Shit's fucked. 

Gisela: Okay, long. 

Gethen: Shit's very fucked.

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 Fintan: If you get in trouble, I'm gonna be a lawyer for you. Ok? 

Brant: Okay. 

*later* 

Gisela: Brant! Sit down in the chair, you're in trouble. 

Fintan, whispering: Deny everything. 

Brant, loudly: That isn't a chair.

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Ruy: Forgive me Father, for I have sinny-sin-sinned.

Umber: No shit you have.

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Trix, looking over Umber’s shoulder: You can draw? 

Umber, stopping what she was doing: You can speak?

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Fintan: I'm allergic to death.

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*Brant holding a bottle*

Brant: Is this perfume or whiskey? 

*Trix chugs the entire bottle*

Trix: Perfume.

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The Council: Violence isn’t the answer.

The Neverseen: You’re right.

*sighs in relief*

The Neverseen: Violence is the question.

The Council: What?

The Neverseen, running away to do crimes: And the answer is yes.

The Council: NO!

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Gisela: Would you stab your best friend in the leg for 10 million lusters?

Ruy: You stab me, and then when my leg gets better, we buy a big-ass house.

Alvar: You stab me too, then we’ll have 20 million.

Ruy: Good thinking.

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Brant: How do you politely tell someone you want to hit them with a brick?

Fintan: One wishes to demolish your facial features with a fundamental item used in building complex walls.

Vespera: That is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.

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*stubs toe*

Gethen: FUCK!

Vespera: Mind your language.

Gethen: What else am I supposed to say? “Woe is I”?

Vespera: 

Gethen: You have to accept that swear words are necessary sometimes. 

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Gisela: Oralie, my old arch-enemy. 

Fintan: I thought I was your arch-enemy?

Gisela: I have a life outside of The Neverseen, y’know.

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Umber: Alright, Trix, Ruy. Let’s get this over with one more time. If something breaks?

Ruy: We fix it before the older members get home. 

Umber: If it doesn’t work?

Trix: We blame Gethen.

Gethen: Seriously, fuck you guys.

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Brant: How long are we going to stand here and watch him do that?

Alvar: Just give him a minute.

*Ruy pushing on a door when it says pull*

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Fintan: Tell us where Sophie is, and we’ll burn Eternalia to the ground.

Fitz: Don’t you mean or?

Fintan: Fine! Tell us where Sophie is, OR we’ll burn Eternalia to the ground.

Keefe: Well, which is it? That seems like a pretty crucial conjunction if you ask me.

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If The Neverseen were getting robbed

Robber: Give me all your money or die!

Brant: Bold of you to assume I have money.

Umber: Bold of you to assume I want to live.

Vespera: NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR YOUR CRAP!

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Gisela: Being tired isn’t even a mood anymore. It’s my entire personality. 

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Alvar: You must join The Neverseen.

Biana: Why?

Alvar: To be able to get nice things. You see this here?

*shows a fancy watch*

Alvar: I stole this from my roommate last year.

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Umber: Why does Gethen keep swearing?

Trix: Why the fuck are you asking me?

Alvar: I don’t fucking know bro.

Ruy: Y’all fucking stop.

Gethen: What the fuck is going on here?

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Ruy: OMG! SANTA! He won’t be able to reach us because of Vespera’s illusions.

Umber: Um, Ruy…

Alvar: Umber, I know what you’re about to say, and I’m going to stop you right there.

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How Fintan survived the Everblaze

Death: I’ve come to take you.

Fintan: Oh! Let me ask Brant.

Death: It’s not a choice.

Fintan: He said no.

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Gisela: Alvar, gather the others. We need to have another Ruy-is-doing-something-stupid-again-and-we-have-to-stop-him-before-he-hurts-someone conversation.

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Ruy: Alvar, I want a bedtime story! 

Alvar: I’m busy, Ruy. I’ll tell you one tomorrow. 

Ruy: If you don’t tell me a story, I won’t go to bed! 

Gethen: I’ll give you one. Once upon a time, there was a person named Ruy, who always wanted things his way. One day, he’s friends got sick of it and locked him in the prison cells for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The end. 

Ruy: I don’t like these stories with morals.

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Gisela: So what, now I’m just supposed to do everything that Vespera does? What if she jumped off a cliff? 

Fintan: If Vespera were to jump off a cliff, she would have done her due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry. So yes, if you see Vespera jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff. 

Gisela: You jump off a cliff. 

Fintan: Gladly, provided Vespera did first.

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Gethen: Surgery is basically just stabbing someone to life. 

Gisela: Please never become a surgeon.

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Gethen: Why does nobody fucking tell me when people come over? I came downstairs singing All Star while wearing a "today, I have no fucks to give" shirt and spandex jogging shorts! Everyone was there. EVERYONE! Including that bitch, Umber! She saw.

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Umber: Ask me anything. Go ahead, I'll give you a straight answer. 

Gethen: Why are we so fucking awesome? 

Umber: That's the best fucking question anybody's ever asked.

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Vespera: Is this your plan B? 

Brant: Technically, this is plan P. 

Gethen: Plan P? Is there a plan M? 

Brant: Yes, but Fintan dies in plan M.

Gisela: I like plan M.

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The Blackswan: Ayo, what the FUCK is this?!? 

The Neverseen, sitting down, surrounded by corpses: I won Mafia, that’s what.

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Gethen: I just downloaded this app, and it’s my new favorite one.

Gisela: What’s it called?

Gethen: Duolingo.

Gisela: That’s an app for learning languages, Gethen. Why is it your favorite?

Gethen: It threatened to kill me!

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Brant: How do ethical philosophers feel about murder? 

Fintan: Well, it’s frowned upon. 

Gethen: Okay, but what if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? That’s okay, right?

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Trix: Say no to drugs. 

Gethen: Say yes to drugs. 

Gisela: It doesn't matter if you say yes or no to drugs. If you're talking to drugs.. then you're on drugs.

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*locks Trix in the car.* 

Umber: Act like a child, get treated like a child. 

Trix: What? Isn't it illegal to leave a child locked in a car?

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Gisela: Gethen, get that hideous thing out of the training room, would you? 

Gethen: Brant! Gisela wants you to get out of this hideout.

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Gisela: Go ahead, underestimate me. You won’t be the first, you won’t be the last, but you will be wrong.

Fintan: No one is underestimating you, Gisela.

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Vespera: Where's Gisela? 

Gethen: Don't worry, I'll find her. 

Gisela, shouting: Fintan sucks! 

Brant, yelling: Fintan is the best person ever! Fuck you! 

Gethen: Found her.

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Gethen: And now for a gay update with Ruy and Alvar. 

Ruy: Getting gayer. 

Gethen: Thank you, Ruy.

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Gethen: Hey, remember how I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my ADHD meds? 

Umber: Yes? 

Gethen: Well, it turns out they're all out for the next five days. 

Umber: Fuck. 

Gethen: It's gonna be a fun week! 

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*at 3am* 

*runs into Ruy’s room and turns on the light*

Gethen: Wake up sleepyhead! 

Ruy: Dude! 

*Gethen laughs* 

*Alvar sits up from where he was sleeping behind Ruy*

Alvar: What the fuck, Gethen 

Gethen: Wait WHAT!?

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Gisela: Okay, how do I look? Be honest. 

Brant: There’s no critic more honest than Vespera! 

Vespera: Bad.

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Bronte: Is something burning? 

Fintan: My burning love for you of course! 

Bronte:

Fintan:

Fintan: And the kitchen is on fire…

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Gethen: You know Umber, when you generalize, you tell general... lies. 

Umber:

Umber: Are you trying to teach me moral lessons through puns?

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The Blackswan and The Neverseen responding to a crime.

The Blackswan: Is that legal? 

The Neverseen: When there's no cops around, anything's legal! Take that motherfuckers!

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*Alvar and Ruy looking at a locked gate into a park* 

Alvar: Well shit.

Ruy:  You know what they say. 

Alvar: Please don’t.

Ruy: BE GAY! DO CRIME! 

*hops gate* 

Alvar: Fuck.

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The Neverseen: We are big believers in rules.

The Blackswan: Are you sure?

The Neverseen: Yep! If there weren’t any rules, how could we break them?

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Gethen: I don’t dab. I stab.

Ruy, distantly: You also do the griddy when you kill someone!

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Alvar: Do you want a drink? 

Ruy: I could go for some apple slices right now. 

Alvar: With a little peanut butter to dip them in? 

Ruy: OF COURSE, I WANT PEANUT BUTTER WITH IT! WHO DO YOU THINK I AM!? GETHEN!?

Gethen, distantly: FUCK YOU!

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Gethen: I’m so happy that two of my favorite people are getting along now. 

Alvar: Uh, Fintan and Gisela are not getting along. 

Vespera: They’re not trying to kill each other. 

Alvar: You may have a point.

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The Neverseen: Don’t go picking a fight with me. I could make your life difficult. 

Sophie, sarcastically: Wow. I wonder what it’d be like to have a difficult life.

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Trix: I truly believe that water can solve all your problems. 

Brant: Weight loss? Drink water. 

Gisela Clear skin? Drink water. 

Vespera: Want to get rid of someone? Drown them.

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Trix: I ran into Brant in the kitchen at 1 AM last night and when I asked him what he was doing, he just shrugged, said “these are my roaming hours,” and wandered off, strumming vaguely on his guitar.

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Trix: Hey Ruy, what is your dream?

Ruy: My dream is to go to the north pole and put a piece of bread there, then go to the south pole and put another piece of bread there and turn the world into a sandwich.

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Umber: Ruy, you’re in my way.

Ruy: I AM the way.

Umber: Yep! The way to my insanity. 

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Gisela: Go to hell! 

Fintan: Where do you think I come from?

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Ruy: We’re having a moment, aren’t we? 

Gethen: If by 'a moment' you mean me not wanting to strangle you for the first time since we met, then I guess we are.

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The Council integrating The Neverseen before The Peace Summit 

Oralie: Why did you kidnap Wylie Endal!?!?! 

Brant: Ah- um- well- the reason for that is, uhh... 

Gethen: Sometimes, we must work together towards a common goal. 

Terik: NOT TO KIDNAP PEOPLE!

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Umber: You’d be stupid to lay a hand on me. 

Gethen: Oh, you’d be surprised how much stupid shit I do.

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Every single scene Gethen is in, In a Nutshell

Gethen: You seem familiar... have I threatened you before?

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Alvar: Assert your dominance over your friends by kicking them in the face, and then giving them a little smooch on the forehead!

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The Blackswan: Someone will die... 

The Neverseen: Oh fun!

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Umber: And then they ran into my knife. They ran into my knife ten times. 

Trix: You mean you stabbed them? 

Umber: They ran into my knife.

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Vespera: Yesterday, I overheard Trix saying “Are you sure this is a good idea?” and Gethen replying “Trust me,” and I have never moved from one room to another so quickly in my life.

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Umber: Trix, Ruy, I love y’all and all, but can I ask what in the hell are you doing? 

*Ruy, trying to stabilize a tower of folding chairs that Trix is sitting atop*

Ruy: Oh nothing much. 

Trix: I love you too!

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Gethen: GET YOUR PARTY PANTS ON BECAUSE TODAY IS INTERNATIONAL TRY-TO-KILL-SOPHIE-BUT-WE-ULTIMATELY-FAIL-BECAUSE-SHE-COMES-BACK-TO-LIFE-BECAUSE-OF-HER-PIECE-OF-SHIT-DOCTOR-DAY! 

Vespera: That isn’t a real day.

Gethen: It should be.

Chapter Text

Gethen: I would do anything for money. 

*later* 

Gethen, covered in blood: THE STATEMENT STILL STANDS!

Chapter Text

Gisela, cheerfully: Congratulations on a job well done!

Alvar: What did we do?

Gisela: We killed Fintan!

Fintan: I’m right here.

Chapter Text

*Alvar rushes by with an armful of water bottles* 

Umber: What's going on? 

Alvar: Gethen wouldn't drink water. 

Umber: And? 

Alvar: And I asked him how fast he could chug an entire bottle. 

Gethen, loudly: 16 OUNCES IN TEN SECONDS, BITCH!

Chapter Text

Ruy: I love you. 

Alvar: I love you too. I've waited so long to hear you say that. 

*Alvar and Ruy kiss passionately* 

Gethen, to Umber: You owe me 20 lusters.

Chapter Text

Fintan: According to the footage here, you shook the vending machine and when the shake alarm went off, you punched the glass and broke it. 

Brant: I was hungry.

Chapter Text

Ruy: Hello, McDonald's, I would like to purchase 130 cheeseburgers. Prepare yourselves.

Vespera: You are a menace to society.

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Gisela: Bottling up negative emotions is bad for your health, so you shouldn't do it. 

Vespera: I know, that's why I bottled up all my emotions, both positive and negative, so it cancels out. 

Gisela: Th-that's not how that works.

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The Neverseen: If I can't cause tiny bits of chaos every day, I think my body will shut down.

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Gethen: I should've left you on that street corner where you were standing. 

Ruy: But ya' didn't!

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Umber: All in all, a 100 successful trip. 

Alvar: But we lost Trix. 

Umber: All in all, a 100 successful trip!

Chapter Text

The Council: What do you call disobeying the law? 

The Neverseen: A hobby. 

*The Council crosses their arms* 

The Neverseen: That we do not engage in.

Chapter Text

Fitz: That's not funny. 

Alvar: I thought it was funny. 

Fitz: You started laughing in the middle of Kenric’s funeral because you started thinking of that meme you saw on Facebook.

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Umber: You're smiling. What happened? 

Gisela: What? Can't I smile just because I feel like it? 

Vespera: Fintan tripped and fell down the stairs today.

Chapter Text

Trix: You know, people treat me like a god. 

Brant: How? 

Trix: They ignore my existence unless they need something.

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Umber: I can’t believe all these people are wearing black. Black is supposed to be my thing, they’re all just posers. 

Trix: Umber, for the last time, we’re at a funeral.

Chapter Text

Alvar: Oh god, he texted you ‘hi.’’ punctuation only means one thing, Ruy. He’s mad at you. 

Ruy: No, it's Fintan. He's just being grammatically correct! 

*meanwhile* 

Fintan: And then I used a period, so he’d know that I'm mad at him. 

Brant: A period doesn't say 'I'm mad', it says 'you're dead to me'. 

Fintan: I stand by my choice.

Chapter Text

*when a child starts crying in public* 

Trix: *tries to make the child laugh* 

Ruy: *tries to play a game with the child to make them calm down* 

Gisela: *gives detailed instructions to the parents* 

Brant: *cries with the child* 

Vespera: *ignores the child* 

Umber: *is the reason why the child is crying*

Chapter Text

Ruy: I’m gonna mix a can of Red Bull with seventeen shots of espresso and a dash of vodka then chug it while 22 by Taylor Swift plays in the background so I can hope to travel to different dimensions and fight my soul.

Umber: Uh oh…

Gethen: GUYS! RUY IS GONNA DIE!

Chapter Text

Gethen, being robbed: Please! Have mercy! I have a family! A wife and kids and a one-eyed cat! 

Umber: Literally none of that is true, Gethen. 

Gethen: Okay, but I’m attractive! That’s gotta count for something, right?

Trix: I like your nose!

Gethen: YOU BETTER SHUT UP ABOUT MY NOSE!

Chapter Text

Gethen: My bad, It’s a knee jerk response. 

Dex, holding Sophie and Fitz’s unconscious bodies: WHOSE KNEE JERK RESPONSE IS TO START THROWING BRICKS AT PEOPLE!?

Chapter Text

Biana: Did you just refer to a knife as a “people-opener”? 

Alvar: 

Alvar: Should I not have?

Chapter Text

Gethen: What? I'm not aggressive! 

Umber: Last Tuesday, you whacked me with a pair of crocs and stole my chocolate chips? 

Gethen: Survival of the fittest, bitch.

Chapter Text

Emery: Seriously, Fintan, how many people would you have killed if we’d asked you to? 

Fintan: That’s not important.

Bronte: I DISAGREE!

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Tam: Hey, let’s mess with Keefe, guys! 

Marella: Hey, Keefe, your momma so fat…

Keefe: My mom committed multiple war crimes and is now locked in solitary confinement in a German prison. 

Tam: Well, uh- your dad…

Keefe: My father left when I was two to be captured and consequentially sacrificed by a group of feral ferrets. 

Marella: The fuck.

Dex: Well then... 

Sophie: Stop, Dex! 

Dex: Your grandparents so…

Keefe: My grandmother floated into the sky like a balloon with too much helium when my grandfather spontaneously died. You cannot best me, mortals.

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Fintan: My life isn't as glamorous as my wanted poster makes it look.

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Gethen: The path to inner peace begins with four words… not my fucking problem.

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Glimmer: Just be yourself. Say something nice. 

Gisela: Which one? I can't do both.

Chapter Text

Gisela: Go to hell! 

Fintan: Oh! I’ve been there, thank you. I found it quite lovely.

Chapter Text

Trix: But what about Ruy? 

Alvar: Don't worry about him. I once watched him fall down 5 flights of stairs, stand up, and keep eating his burger like nothing happened.

Ruy, in an ominous tone: The power of perseverance.

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Book 4 in a Nutshell

The Council: How the hell are you still alive? 

Fintan: Honestly, I’m just as confused as you are.

Chapter Text

Umber, tearing up the room: Where are they? 

*looking under a pillow*

Umber: Who moved them? Who moved my children? Somebody moved my M&M's, and now I am going to start killing.

Chapter Text

Gethen: I typed "bitch" into my GPS and guess what? I'm in your driveway. 

Umber: 

Gethen: Vroom vroom, come out already.

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Vespera: I assume you realize that this kind of idiocy will not be tolerated in this house. 

Ruy: Is there any kind of idiocy you would be more comfortable with?

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Alvar: I like to think of myself as a semi responsible adult here. 

Trix: Ruy is 70 of your impulse control and you know this Alvar. 

Ruy: I feel like Alvar is the more responsible one of us two though. 

Alvar: We are both 70 of each others' impulse control. 

Ruy: Just two lil beasts in pinwheel hats spinning on the merry-go-round at dangerous speeds, holding each other’s hands so the other doesn’t fall off.

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Vespera: I bet you’re wondering why I gathered you here today. It’s because we need to have a discussion about how some people in this room aren’t getting along with other people in this room. 

Fintan: Why did you say that so vaguely? Gisela and I are literally the only people you called in here.

Chapter Text

Trix: Trick question, if one of your friends falls off a cliff, would you follow?

Alvar: Yes.

Ruy: Absolutely.

Gisela: No.

Vespera: I hate people.

Brant: Depends on who they are.

Umber: I don’t have any friends.

Fintan: I’m a leader, not a follower.

Gethen: Why would I join them when I was the one that pushed them?

Chapter Text

Gisela: Could I ask how exactly does one accidentally set a lemon on fire? 

Fintan: Microwave for 40 minutes. 

Gisela: WHY WERE YOU MICROWAVING A LEMON?! 

Fintan: I read boiling lemons helps cover up bad smells and I wanted to cover up the scent of burnt oranges, but I didn’t own any pots… 

Gisela: Did you burn an orange too? 

Fintan: Yes.

Gisela: HOW?! 

Fintan: Microwave for 40 minutes.

Chapter Text

Jolie: Um…Brant? What are you doing?

Brant: Playing Fortnite with the Boys. 

Fintan, through Discord: Brant, I need you to reach to that roof top and be ready to use your sniper rifle on Alvar.

Brant: On it!

Alvar, through Discord: OH NO YOU FUCKING WON’T!

Trix, through Discord: I now understand why Umber said no to playing this game. 

*Gethen dies*

Gethen, through Discord: FUCK!!!

Ruy, through Discord: TAKE THAT YOU LITTLE BITCH!

Chapter Text

*The Neverseen is playing Minecraft together* 

Trix: Ooh, a village! You know what that means! 

Umber: Hostile takeover? 

Gethen: Genocide? 

Alvar: Steal everything! 

Trix: No, I meant…

Ruy: I didn’t know we would fight the ender dragon this early! A village worth of beds isn’t enough! 

Gisela: WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING?!?! 

Fintan: …I was going to say move into the village and become the mayors… 

Brant: Ohhhh! That sounds like a better idea. 

Trix: Agreed.

Chapter Text

Gisela: That's it, I'm cutting off the internet! 

Ruy: No, please don't! I have a family to feed! 

Gisela: 

Gisela: What? 

Ruy: I need to feed my Neopets!

Chapter Text

Fintan: I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.

Chapter Text

Gisela: What do you do when someone offers you drugs? 

Gethen: Take them! 

Umber: Punch them in the neck! 

Ruy: Say thank you! 

Brant: Offer them more drugs to assert dominance! 

Alvar: …

Vespera: No.

Chapter Text

Trix: Do you guys hear something? 

Umber: I hear the sound of you shutting the fuck up.

Chapter Text

Alvar: I don’t believe in God.

Ruy: OMG! I’m atheist too.

Both: AYO!

Chapter Text

Gethen, clearly drunk: Umber, hit me with another drink… wooOO HOOoo… 

Umber: I think you need a therapist and not a bottle. 

Gethen: I think yooOOoou need to shuUT YOUR MOUTH!

Chapter Text

Ruy: Bet you can’t eat 15 crayons! 

Trix: Bet you I can! 

*Fintan sips coffee, checks to make sure 911 is still on speed dial, and goes back to reading the paper*

Chapter Text

Brant: Do not come over to my house. If the house is on fire, you may knock once, if I don’t answer assume I set the fire and I want to burn to death.

Chapter Text

Umber: So I have made the decision to trust you. 

Gisela: A horrible decision, really.

Chapter Text

*Everyone is playing a board game together* 

Ruy: I will put 'A' down to make 'A'. 

Alvar: I will add onto your 'A' to make 'AT'. 

Umber: I will add onto your 'AT' to make 'RAT'. 

Fintan: I will add onto your 'RAT' to make 'BIOSTRATAGRAPHIC'. 

*Gethen flips the board*

Chapter Text

*Trix working in a flower shop and minding their own business* 

Gethen, storming into the store and slapping $20 on the counter: HOW DO I PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY SAY “FUCK YOU” IN FLOWER???

Chapter Text

Fintan: It's not like I try to blow things up, exactly. It just sort of happens. You've got to admit though, fire is fascinating.

Chapter Text

Fintan, to The Neverseen: The real secret to immortality? Not dying. You want to be immortal? Okay, that’s easy. Just don’t die. That’s it. Refuse to die. There you go. 

Brant: But how...

Fintan, ignoring him: “But how”, you may ask. Well, easy. Just don’t do it. Refuse to. Say “no thanks”.

Chapter Text

Gethen: Welcome to Fucking Applebees, do you want apples or bees? 

Trix: Bees? 

Gethen: THEY HAVE SELECTED THE BEES! 

Trix: Wait…

*Umber approaches, shaking a jar of bees menacingly* 

Chapter Text

Gethen, hungover: Please tell me I'm imagining that I claimed I was king of the ducks. 

Umber: I would, but then I would be lying to the King of All Ducks.

Chapter Text

Jolie: Brant, you can do anything! 

Brant: Anything? 

Jolie: Anything! 

Brant, holding a torch: ANYTHING?!?! 

Jolie: Wait, not that!

Chapter Text

Ruy: What language do they speak at the center of the earth? 

Trix: Core-ean 

Fintan: The center of the earth is around 5430 degrees Celsius! Nobody is going to live there so they don’t need a language! 

Brant: Core-ean.

Chapter Text

*Trix gets a text* 

Trix: Oh! It’s Gethen. 

Umber, excitedly: Did he get me the stuff? 

Trix: Yeah, he says he got you the clown costume, the power drill, and 12 gallons of blood. 

Umber: Wow! Where’d he find 12 gallons of fake blood? 

Trix: You wanted fake blood? 

Umber: 

Trix: I’ll go call Gethen.

Chapter Text

Trix: Am I a boy? Am I a girl? It doesn't matter. I'm going to kill your family.

Chapter Text

Trix: Oh gosh I wish I got more sleep I only got six hours! 

Umber: Six? I only got three! 

Ruy: You guys got sleep? 

Gethen, comes stumbling out of his room and grabs a jug of coffee before saying: What year is it?

Chapter Text

Jolie: Is… Is that meant to be on fire? 

Brant: No… not really. 

Jolie: Are you going to do something about it? 

Brant: Hm… nah.

Chapter Text

Trix: What do rainbows mean to you? 

Ruy: Gay rights. 

Gethen: There's money. 

Gisela: The sign of God's promise to never destroy the whole Earth with a flood. 

Fintan: It is an optical phenomenon that separates sunlight into its continuous spectrum when the sun shines on raindrops.

Chapter Text

Umber, to Trix: One universe, nine planets, seven seas, seven continents, and I had the unfortunate luck of meeting you. 

Trix: Hey, that’s not very nice .

Fintan: There are only eight planets, you uncultured pig! 

Gethen, forgetting about Brant: VIVA LA PLUTO, FUCK YOU!

Chapter Text

Brant: Hi, I'm Brant, and only you can prevent forest fires... seriously, it has to be you. I'm sure as hell not gonna do it.

Chapter Text

Ruy: I wanna be a knight! 

Gethen, a knight: What the fuck do you want this shit for? I kill people, all right? Their blood is on my hands! Every night, when I go to sleep, I see their FUCKING faces staring at me! Their families weep, and I FEEL NOTHING! I’M DEAD INSIDE! 

Ruy: Man, I want some of that in my life!

Chapter Text

Vespera: I hate to disagree with you, but...

Gisela: Please, you love to disagree with me. It's your favorite thing to do.

Chapter Text

Ruy: Guys…I made a hate triangle.

Umber: A what?

Ruy: A hate triangle.

Trix: Not a love triangle?

Ruy: Nope!

Brant: What does it say?

Ruy: Well, basically, Gisela hates Fintan and Fintan hates Gisela back, however, Vespera hates Gisela and yet Gisela kinda hates her back, and finally, Vespera doesn’t care for Fintan and Fintan doesn’t care for Vespera.

Gisela, Fintan, and Vespera: It’s true.

Chapter Text

Vespera: That sounds like a terrible plan. 

Gisela: Oh, we've had worse.

Chapter Text

Gisela: Hey, Vespera, do you have feelings for me? 

Vespera: Yeah, anger.

Chapter Text

When Tam first joins The Neverseen

Tam: Who's in charge here? 

Glimmer, shrugging: Usually whoever yells the loudest.

Chapter Text

Fintan: Gethen! This soup is flaccid! 

Gethen: LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN!?

Chapter Text

Ruy: Yeah I'm LGBTQ+. cuLt leader. God hates me personally. cowBoy hat. 

*sniffles* 

Ruy: Trying my best.

Chapter Text

Umber: OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?! TIME OUT! GET ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE! GET UP THERE! 

*Trix, climbing* 

Trix: THIS ORGANIZATION IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE!!!

Chapter Text

Elves: We vegetarians love the environment. Carnivores are sick freaks. 

Humans: How can vegetarians possibly love the environment. You keep eating all the fucking plants.

Chapter Text

Brant: Don’t mansplain this to me! 

Gisela: Wh- I’m a woman! I can't mansplain anything to you! 

Brant: Well, I’m a feminist, and I believe a woman can do anything a man does!

Chapter Text

*Trix sighs* 

Trix: I have no friends... 

Umber: 

Umber: Bitch, what am I? A roach?!

Chapter Text

Couples' karaoke be like

Ruy: Never gonna make you cry! 

Alvar: Never gonna say goodbye! 

Ruy: Never gonna tell a lie…

Gethen: I will hurt you.

Chapter Text

Therapist: Did you ever have a pet run away and find it or anything? 

Brant: I had a lizard that I burnt.

Chapter Text

Fintan: Fuck capitalism. It's a rigged system that keeps us poor and it isn't fair. You shouldn't need to work three jobs to afford basic necessities. 

Fintan, playing Monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win you should have tried not being poor.

Chapter Text

Gisela: Let’s not Ruy this into a worse situation than it already is. 

Ruy: Did you just use my name as a verb?

Chapter Text

Ruy: So, Umber, do you have a crush on anyone? 

Umber: The only crush I have is this crushing anxiety.

Chapter Text

Vespera: I told Ruy to grab snacks for everyone. 

*Vespera, looking through the options*

Vespera: Why did you grab fruit snacks? Are you five? Who even likes Fruit Snacks? 

*Ruy, Trix, and Alvar raise their hands*

Chapter Text

Gethen: The only thing keeping me from running away and hiding from society for the rest of my life is spite. I could disappear forever, but there are some bitches whose downfalls I have yet to witness, and I wanna be around when that happens.

Chapter Text

Gisela: Someone care to explain why we have 6 dogs in our hideout? 

Alvar: They're golden retrievers. They retrieve gold. I did this for us.

Chapter Text

Umber: I love sarcasm! It’s like punching people in the face, but with words!

Chapter Text

Brant: I don’t think our death ray is working. I’m standing right in it, and I’m not dead yet.

Chapter Text

Gisela: Where are your parents? 

Ruy: What are parents? 

Gisela: That’s just about the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Chapter Text

Fintan: Your smile looks forced. 

Vespera: That’s because it is.

Chapter Text

Umber: I have a PhD.

Trix: In what?

Umber: Tolerating your dumb ass.

Chapter Text

Fintan: Today we’re gonna try a therapy session. What is your opinion on violence?

Vespera: It’s necessary.

Gisela: It helps me get my work done.

Ruy: It’s weird.

Trix: It’s also weird.

Brant: I don’t mind it.

Umber: I also don’t mind it.

Alvar: I’ll do it when I need to, other than that, no.

Gethen: It’s fun!

Chapter Text

Sophie: This is illegal!!!

Umber: That’s why I'm doing it.

Fitz: It’s still illegal.

Gethen: I am illegal.

Chapter Text

Alvar: Wow, they really hate us. 

Ruy: Yes, perhaps they’re homophobic. 

Trix: But we’re not gay, Ruy. 

Alvar: 

Trix: 

Ruy: We’re not?

Chapter Text

Gisela: COMPANY IS COMING! I WANT THIS PLACE LOOKING LIKE DISNEY ON ICE IN ONE MINUTE! 

Gisela: UMBER! IF YOU HAVEN'T MADE YOUR BED THROW IT AWAY IT'S TOO LATE TO MAKE IT NOW! 

Gisela: GET RID OF THE COUCHES, WE CAN'T LET PEOPLE KNOW WE SIT!

Chapter Text

Gethen: ARE YOU- 

Umber: Fucking. 

Gethen: KIDDING ME?! YOU- 

Umber: Fucking. 

Gethen: IDIOT!

Alvar: What was tha t?

Umber: Vespera banned Gethen from swearing, so I’m helping him out.

Chapter Text

Umber: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was changing his name to Gethen.

Chapter Text

Gisela: Hey, Vespera, have you thought about having children? 

Vespera: ... 

Vespera: Does looking over you and the others not seem like I already do? Because I promise you, it sure feels like it. 

Gisela: But we're not childr- 

Vespera, already distracted: FINTAN, PUT THE FIRE DOWN!

Chapter Text

Gisela: Stop setting things on fire because you're curious about what will happen. What will happen is fire. 

Fintan: But what if something else happens just this one time.

Chapter Text

Gisela: CHARACTER. FLAWS. ARE. FUCKING. IMPORTANT. 

Ruy: Me when someone tells me to stop eating mayo packets like they’re Yogurt tubes.

Chapter Text

Brant: What the hell is wrong with you? 

Alvar: I have this weird self-esteem issue where I hate myself but still think I’m better than everyone else.

Chapter Text

Fintan: I’m sick and tired of being called 'mortal' like, you don’t know that. Neither do I. I have never died even ONCE. Nothing has been proven yet. Stop making assumptions. It’s rude.

Chapter Text

Gisela: Gethen, we need that! 

Gethen, holding Umber over a trash can: Nope. 

Gisela: Gimme it…

Gethen: It’s garbage.

Chapter Text

Trix: What's the scariest horror movie you've ever watched? 

Ruy: IT. 

Gethen: Annabelle. 

Alvar: Paranormal Activity. 

Umber: High School Musical. All throughout high school I was scared that everyone was gonna randomly get up and start singing and dancing, and I would be the only one who doesn't know the words.

Chapter Text

Vespera: What is it called when you kill a friend? 

Fintan: Homicide. 

Gisela: Murder. 

Gethen: Homiecide.

Brant: I'm gonna "homiecide" YOU.

Chapter Text

Brant: Damn, Gethen, are you secretly cool? 

Gethen: Well, poker is just math, so I guess it depends on if you consider the mathematician, Carl Friedrich Gauss, cool. 

Brant: I do not.

Chapter Text

*Alvar holding a salt packet* 

Alvar: It’s just a little sodium chloride. 

Umber: Actually Alvar, it’s salt. 

Alvar: That’s what I said, sodium chloride. 

Gisela: Uh Alvar, that would be salt. 

*Fintan takes salt packet from Alvar* 

Fintan: This is iodized table salt, which in addition to sodium chloride contains anti-caking agents and potassium iodate, which is added to prevent iodine deficiency. So not only are you being overly pretentious by insisting on using scientific terminology for everyday items, but you are also factually wrong. Your arrogance is your downfall, you annoying piece of shit.

Chapter Text

Kidnapper: We have your child 

Alvar: I don’t have a child? 

Kidnapper: Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crusts off his sandwich? 

Alvar: Oh god, you have Ruy.

Chapter Text

Gethen: Pose as a team because SHIT JUST GOT REAL!

Chapter Text

Fintan: Arson? Oh, you mean "crime brûlée".

Chapter Text

Ruy: My level of gay has reached “sighing deeply whenever anything extremely heterosexual happens near me”.

Chapter Text

Gethen: “Ladies and gentlemen” is unnecessarily gendered, overly formal, lengthy, and honestly, I’m falling asleep already. “Cowards” on the other hand, is inclusive to all genders, to the point, and dramatic.

Chapter Text

Fintan: I’m having salad for dinner! 

Gisela: 

Fintan: Well, fruit salad…actually, it’s mostly grapes. 

Vespera: 

Fintan: Okay, it’s all grapes. 

Brant:

Fintan: Fermented grapes. 

Alvar: 

Fintan: 

Trix: 

Fintan: It’s wine. I’m having wine for dinner.

Chapter Text

Fintan: Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!? 

Gisela: Well. How would you like me to mock you? I take requests.

Chapter Text

*Gethen brainstorming ideas to prank Gisela*

Gethen: How much would a serial killer mask possibly cost? 

Umber: Well, it’s hard to find a high-quality one made out of leather or silicone, but if you did find a good one like that it’d be a couple thousands of dollars. I can try to hook you up with one, but I don’t know if I’d be very successful. 

Gethen: Huh, that’s pretty interesting actually. Wait, how the hell do you know that? 

Umber: I am very passionate about Halloween.

Chapter Text

Gethen: All right, Ruy, that’s it, you’re grounded! I found a rap album hiding under your bed and it was the clean version. I didn’t raise you to be such a nerd! 

Alvar: He’s not even your kid.

Chapter Text

*The Neverseen about to do something dangerous and illegal* 

Gisela: Shouldn’t someone give a pep talk? 

Vespera: Go ahead. 

Alvar: Be careful. 

Gethen: Don’t die. 

*Umber trying to hold back a laugh*

Fintan: Great. We’re all bloody inspired.

Chapter Text

Ruy: I have a question. 

Alvar: Shoot. 

Ruy: Is the S or C in scent silent? 

Umber: Fuck you, I’m going to be thinking about this all day. 

Brant: Okay well, cent is pronounced the same way as scent so I’m gonna say the S is silent. 

Gisela: Okay but sent is also spelled the same way. 

Fintan: Google says that the C was added in the late seventeenth century, so I guess the S is silent. 

Trix: Plot twist, both the S and the C are silent, and the E actually makes the sss sound. 

Umber: Trix is not allowed to talk anymore.

Chapter Text

Gisela: Astrology is fun because I can pretend that all of my behaviors are just a result of being a Gemini and not symptoms of mental illness. 

Vespera: Being a Gemini is a mental illness. That’s not hate, it's just a fact.

Chapter Text

Brant: If I fall down these stairs, I'm just going to lay down and accept my fate.

Chapter Text

Gisela: We’re playing Scrabble. It’s a nightmare. 

Brant: Scrabble? Scrabble’s great. 

Gisela: Not when you’re playing with Fintan, it’s not. He puts words like “ephemeral” and I put “dog.”

Chapter Text

Gisela: We have a problem. 

Vespera: Let me guess, you caused it? 

Gethen: Gimme a sec, I'm not drunk enough to listen to this yet. 

Brant: And it's another Tuesday, your point? 

Alvar: Would shooting you solve this problem? No? Then shut up. 

Fintan: If you mean the fire, that's our solution to last week's problem.

Chapter Text

Umber: I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.

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Fintan when he was on The Council

Fintan: People always shoot down my ideas and I’m sick of it. Two sentences in and everyone’s always shouting “what the fuck? that’s illegal!” and “you can’t do that!”. Like, c'mon, let me talk!

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Brant: I'm usually that person who has no idea what's going on.

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*after discussing a plan* 

Fintan: Does anyone have any questions? 

Brant: Is this legal? 

Fintan: Does anyone have any relevant questions?

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Umber: What scares you guys the most? 

Gisela: Werewolves! 

Alvar: Sharks. 

Fintan: The unstoppable marching of time that is slowly guiding us all towards an inevitable death. 

Ruy: 

Ruy: Gethen.

Gethen: Myself.

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Fintan: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions.

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Brant: Ruy are you drinking… drinking hydrogen peroxide?! 

Ruy: It says H2O2! That means it’s the sequel to water!

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Glimmer: What’s up with you? 

Gisela: What do you mean? 

Glimmer: You’ve been nice and helpful and considerate all day. What’s your game?

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Trix: Well, it rained today, but as a whole it's been warmer than it was last week. 

Gisela: Why does it seem like every time you talk to us, you end up talking about the weather? Is your life so unimaginably dull that you can't think of any events in your life to describe that might be more interesting than the weather? Let's think of something for you to talk about other than the weather. I mean, we barely even know anything about you, other than where you live. 

Fintan: Let's start here. What do you do for a living? 

Trix: I'm a meteorologist.

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Alvar: Where are you going? 

Ruy: To get MYSELF a gift cause somebody didn't get me one! 

Alvar: I told you I did! It's coming here on Friday! 

Umber: Being a Telepath must be shit.

Gethen, knowing full well that Alvar got Ruy an engagement ring: Yes.

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Gethen: Hey, how did my phone break? 

Brant: You were drunk yesterday. 

Gethen: And? 

Brant: You threw it. 

Gethen: Why? 

Brant: You turned on airplane mode and kept screaming “FLY YOU FUCKING BOX!”

Gethen: And why didn’t you stop me?! 

Umber: We were busy laughing our asses off.

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Jolie: Brant, what is the ONE thing I asked you NOT to do tonight? 

Brant: Commit arson.

Jolie: And what did you do? 

Brant: Commit arson.

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Brant: Why would you think any of this was a good idea?! 

Gethen: Probably because I’m a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence. 

Brant: Oh... 

Ruy, from across the room: I don’t understand how you keep forgetting that.

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Fintan, wearing shades: Rule one of destroying the world. 

*Fintan doing finger guns* 

Fintan: You gotta look good while doing it.

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Gethen: Two truths and a lie, I’ll start! I’ve killed a man, I will kill again, and I have problems.

Trix, visibly nervous: I don’t- I don’t like this game.

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Alvar: We should be partners. 

Ruy: You mean like, partners in crime? 

Alvar: Yeah... that’s precisely what I meant.

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Gisela: A SPIDEEER!!!!!! 

Trix: KILL IT! SMASH IT! 

Fintan: BURN IT! 

Gethen: STAB IT! WITH A KNIFE! GET ME THE SHOTGUN! 

Ruy: Awww, it’s so cute! Look at it!

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Gisela: Did you have to stab them? 

Gethen: You weren’t there. You didn’t hear what they said to me. 

Alvar: What did they say? 

Gethen: "What are you going to do, stab me?" 

Brant: That’s fair.

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Gethen: In alcohol’s defense, I’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

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Gisela: You have an impressive pain tolerance. 

Brant: Thanks, it's the trauma.

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Fintan: I’ve been described as a ‘heartless villain’ and a 'little shit’, but I prefer… 'has alternative ways of having fun’.

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Gethen: Why are you drinking, Ruy? 

Ruy: I don’t drink anymore, so don’t start with that. 

Gethen, holding an empty water bottle: So why was this under your bed? 

Ruy: WE NEED WATER TO LIVE! 

Gethen: NOT IN MY DAMN HOUSE!

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*Gethen walks into the room* 

Umber: He’s covered in blood again. Why is he always covered in blood? 

Alvar: Well, it looks like it’s his own blood this time.

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Gisela: New challenge! Don't say stupid shit for 24 hours!

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The Neverseen: I could kill you if I wanted. 

Keefe: Yeah? So could any other elven being. So could a dog. So could a dedicated duck. You aren't special.

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Trix: I think we should have glow stick juice injected in our bones when we're born, so if we break our bones, we get a fun little surprise. 

Alvar: What's the surprise? 

Vespera: Blood poisoning.

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Alvar: I’m sad. 

Ruy: Don’t be sad, because sad backwards is das. And das not good.

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Umber: Just so everyone knows, don't ever try to climb a tree at night carrying a strobe light, owls DON'T like it. 

Trix: What happened? 

Umber: I made a VERY bad mistake.

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*The Neverseen is playing a team sport* 

Brant: Are you upset you don’t get to be on the same team as Umber? 

Trix: Have you ever played a game with Umber? 

Brant: No… 

Trix: Have you ever been trapped in a cage with a wolverine? 

*Meanwhile, on the other side of the field* 

Umber, chasing Alvar: I SAID FASTER! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD “FASTER” MEANS? IT MEANS MORE FAST!!!!

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Umber: I'm a firm believer in "if you're going to fail, you might as well fail spectacularly."

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Umber: A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. 

Ruy: An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. 

Fintan: A realist sees a freight train. 

Vespera: The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

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Trix: The only thing I'm guilty of is being adorable... ...and also assault with a deadly weapon.

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Fintan: "Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge" - Charles Darwin 

Gisela: What the fuck? Begets isn't a word. Quit trying to make up words, fuckface.

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Umber: My aesthetic is "would be suspected of witchcraft by small town citizens."

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Umber: Wow, great work on the Halloween decorations. Where did you get the fake skeletons? 

Gethen: Fake?

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Fintan: Where are my fucking keys? 

Gisela: Fintan, Vespera is around, can you say it a little nicer? 

Fintan: May I ascertain the whereabouts of my FUCKING KEYS?!

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Ruy: Being gay isn't a choice. It's a game and I'm winning.

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Gisela: What did you guys get in your yearbook? 

Alvar: 'Prettiest Smile' 

Trix: 'Nicest Personality' 

Gethen: 'Most likely to start a bar fight' 

Vespera: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'

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Trix: Have I ever told you that I love you with my whole heart? 

Umber: For the love of all that is holy, I am not taking you to McDonalds. It’s 2am! 

Trix: Mean.

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*Umber sighs* 

Gethen: You bored? 

Umber: Yeah. 

Gethen: Wanna start drama for no reason? 

Umber: I thought you’d never ask.

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Fintan: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute. 

Gisela: No, that's not how you make cookies. 

Brant: FUCK YES!! 

Fintan: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!? 

Gisela: YOU’RE GONNA BURN THE HIDEOUT DOWN!

Fintan: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES! 

Brant: DO IT! 

Gisela: NO!

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Umber, rushing into the room: It’s terrible, just terrible! I am so upset! 

Gisela: Umber, honey, sit down! Sweetheart, tell us all about it. Gethen, would you get Umber some water? 

Gethen: What are they gonna do with water? Has water ever made you feel better when you were upset? Have you ever heard anyone say, “Thank God, the water’s here!”?

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Gisela: So, what are we doing? 

Vespera: Wasting our lives. 

Gisela: I meant for lunch.

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Ruy, on a random band name generator: Oooo! They Might Be Depressed Horses! That about sums up my friend group.

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Gisela: Sorry I'm late, I was doing stuff. 

Fintan: YOU PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS!

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Gisela: That was a joke. Say ha. 

Vespera: Ha. 

Gisela: Now do it again. 

Vespera: Ha. 

Fintan: Congratulations, you are officially the life of the party.

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Fintan: You’re mean! 

Gisela: You’re meaner! 

Fintan: Yeah, well, you’re ugly too! 

Gisela: You’re uglier! 

Fintan: You’re a dumbass! 

Gisela: You’re a dumberass! 

Fintan: You think “dumberass” is a good insult!

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Kidnapper: I have one of your friends. 

Brant: Which one? I have seven. 

Kidnapper: The loud, annoying, rowdy one who never shuts up. 

Brant: Which one? I have seven. 

Alvar, distantly: HEY!!!

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Gisela: Oh, so when crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, it's “intelligent” and “really cool”. But when I do it, I’m “petty” and “need to let it go”.

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Brant: Are you really planning to shoot the demon? 

Trix: Don't worry, it's a holy gun. 

Brant: How so? 

Trix: It makes holes.

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Ruy: I never tell people off the bat that I'm gay. I wait. I wait until they say some homophobic shit and then I laugh and am like "you know I'm gay right?" and watch the look of terror on their face. 

Alvar: 

Alvar: I like you.

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Gisela: Why did you guys dress up as each other for Halloween? 

Ruy: Gethen is the scariest thing I could think of! 

Gethen: Ruy told me I should pick the dumbest costume possible.

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Gisela, looking at the rest of The Neverseen: Okay, so I need to become a therapist faster.

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Fintan: Hey, you wanna know a secret? 

Vespera: No. 

Fintan: Okay. 

Vespera: 

Vespera: Do you smell smoke? 

Fintan: The secret is that the house is on fire.

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The Council: Dammit, Fintan, you ruined everything! 

Fintan: You’re welcome.

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Fintan: Remember, when burying a body, make sure to cover it with endangered plants so it’s illegal to dig up! Make sure to follow me for more gardening tips!

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Umber: I love murder mysteries! 

Gethen: I've been a suspect in four murder cases.

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Alvar: Come on, you need to go to bed. 

Ruy: Mr. Snuffles says that I can stay up as long as I want. And that you need to die! 

Alvar: What the hell, Mr. Snuffles?

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Gethen: Who the fuck…

Vespera: Language! 

Gethen: Whom the fuck…

Vespera: No.

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*out grocery shopping* 

*Brant takes a free sample twice* 

Brant: Robbery and Fraud. I am a Rebel.

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Trix, watching power lines fall down: Umber! The town is exploding and it's very pretty!

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Vespera: Kill him. 

Gethen: This is the kind of quality advice I look for.

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Gisela: Ruy is not allowed to violate the dress code, even on 'casual' Fridays. No matter how many times you say please, Ruy. We won't put any of the hats you've been asking about into the dress code.

*Ruy takes rainbow clown hat off*

Ruy: Awwwwwww!

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Gisela: All right everyone! After dinner, we’ll have a meeting about next week.

Ruy: Wha-what about dessert!?

Vespera: Yes, Ruy, you’ll get your dessert.

Gethen: What about MY dessert?

Gisela: No, Gethen.

Gethen: Why?

Gisela: Because your ‘dessert’ involves blood, a weapon, and the word homicide.

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Umber: So, oxygen went on a date with potassium, it went... OK.

Alvar: I thought oxygen was dating magnesium, OMG. 

Trix: Actually, oxygen first asked nitrogen out, but nitrogen was all like NO.

Ruy: I thought oxygen had that double bond with the hydrogen twins. 

Gethen: Looks like someone's a HO. 

Brant: NaBrO. 

Vespera: I'm done with all of you!

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Trix: How are we supposed to put a tracker the size of a penny on Gethen without him noticing? 

Umber: Hey, Gethen! I bet you 5 lusters that you can't swallow this penny. 

*Gethen takes and swallows tracker* 

Gethen: Pay up, bitch.

Trix: …

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Gethen: FIGHT ME, YOU NERD ASS SLUT! 

Umber: At least try to sound slightly more sophisticated when you threaten someone. 

Gethen: Oh, I'm sorry. I should ask; dost thou want to engage in a duel, my good bitch? 

Umber: Somehow that's worse.

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*The Neverseen responding to being stabbed by a sword* 

Alvar: Rude. 

Fintan: That's fair. 

Umber: Not again. 

Gethen: Are you gonna want this back or can I keep it?

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The Neverseen: I’m gonna kill you. 

Sophie: Get in line!

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Trix: Where’s my chair? 

Alvar: Gethen broke it over Umber’s back while they were wrestling. 

Umber: Correction, Gethen was wrestling. I was eating soup.

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Gisela: Guys, Alvar is missing. 

Vespera: Good.

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Gisela: So, everyone, what does a story NEED? 

Brant: A character! 

Gethen: A setting! 

Fintan, a gleam in his eyes, in a near-whisper: REVENGE.

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Fintan, on the phone: Just snap his kneecaps and he’ll talk, I’m at a parent teacher conference. 

Fintan: Anyways, you said Brant is enjoying finger painting! That's great.

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*While The Neverseen is in a battle* 

Gisela, trying to warn about the location of an enemy: To the left! 

Trix: Take it back now y'all!

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Gethen: I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than fuck.

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*Trix and Umber are planning to break in somewhere* 

Umber: We need to distract the guards. 

Trix: Right. 

Umber: What are we gonna do? 

Trix: I'm gonna break their elbows while you poke their eyes. 

Umber: 

Trix: 

Umber: Deal.

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Jolie: What is the one thing I told you not to do? 

Brant: Burn the house down. 

Jolie: And what did you do? 

Brant: I made dinner. 

Jolie: 

Brant:

Jolie: 

Brant: And burnt the house down.

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Fintan: I learned a valuable lesson from this. 

Vespera: I’m guessing they are all horrible distortions of the lesson you actually should’ve taken away… 

Fintan: DEATH ISN’T REAL AND I AM BASICALLY GOD!

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Umber: Are you mad? 

Gethen: No. 

Umber: So sharpening your knives at 3 in the morning is just a hobby?

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*Gethen is substitute teaching* 

Student: What did you say? 

Gethen: I said, whoever threw that paper, your mom’s a hoe!

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Ruy: My life is a mess. 

Gethen: Ruy relax, go get a beer. 

Ruy: I don’t want a beer. 

Gethen: Who said it was for you?

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Gisela: What did you get on your shirt? 

Gethen: Rust. 

Gisela: From what? 

Gethen: Weapons. 

Gisela: Time for more adult supervision.

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Vespera: You need a hobby. 

Gisela: I have a hobby! 

Vespera: Hitting Fintan isn’t a hobby.

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Thousands of years before

Fintan: I woke up and chose VIOLENCE. I WILL COMMIT ARSON AND BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND!!! I AM ANGRY...

Fallon: Awwww, you’re so adorable! Give me a hug.

Fintan: Wh-What? nO, yOURE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF ME! TREMBLE BEFORE MY WRATH...

Bronte, recording: This is so cute.

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*after The Neverseen has been separated for a few years* 

Gisela: So what have you been up to recently? 

Fintan: Leading a revolution with Brant. 

Umber: Good for you two! Me, I've joined the mob. 

Trix: Oh, how cool! That's awesome! 

Umber: I know! Anyway, have you heard fro m the others? Vespera? 

Alvar: Happily living as a hermit in the woods. Gethen? 

Gisela: Wrongfully locked up in an asylum, which reminds me, we need to break him out later. Ruy? 

Ruy: Cult leader. 

Brant: Yeah, that sounds about right.

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Fintan: My life is a little too much panic and not enough disco. 

Brant: My life is a little too much fall and not enough boy. 

Umber: My life is a little too much chemical and not enough romance. 

Gethen: My life is a little too much imagination and not nearly enough dragons.

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Umber: You’re insane! 

Gethen: Sure I am, what’s your point?

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Ruy: We can’t tell you because you’re not a member of the club. 

Gisela: What club? 

Ruy: The hating Fintan club. 

Gisela: The fuck? I should be the leader of that club!

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Ruy, to Alvar: Wow, left-handed AND British? You really are an illusion.

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Umber: The shadow realm? No, I’m sending you to Ohio!

Gethen: I’M FROM OHIO!

Trix: Really? I thought you were from Sweden?

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Gisela: Did you know that we have our own personal dictionaries?

Ruy: Mine is black cloaks, burgers, and force fields.

Fintan: Mine is arson, fire, and visionary,

Trix: Mine is salt, soda, and wind.

Gethen: Mine is bitch…

Umber: I’m going to stop you right there.

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Alvar: Who wants to go out of the country on a road trip? 

Gethen: Yea, I could drink legally! 

Brant: I could hang out with the boys! 

Fintan: I could hide from the consequences of my actions.

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Ruy, driving and singing to the Little Einsteins theme song: We’re going on a trip…

Gethen: In our favorite piece of shit! 

Alvar: There’s a need to cry!

Umber: We’re gonna fucking die!

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Ruy: Cloak pockets are so great. I can fit like three sandwiches and a grenade in there and my hands are still warm.

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Alvar: Theater kids are just choir kids who joined forces with the band and orchestra kids.

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Vespera: Fintan…

Fintan: I can tell by the tone of your voice that you are disappointed. Alas, I must further disappoint you by affirming how little I give a fuck.

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Ruy: If someone wears an expensive watch, you don’t know if they’re good or bad with money.

Ruy: Crabs probably think fish can fly.

Ruy: I wonder how many slices of pizza I have eaten in my entire life.

Alvar: RUY ITS FUCKING 3AM! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!

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Ruy: The glass is half full.

Umber: The glass is half empty.

Alvar: The glass is full. Half with water, and half with air.

Trix: You three are all wrong. The glass is refillable.

*Gethen walks in and destroys the glass of water*

Gethen: You four are fucking idiots. The ‘glass’ isn’t even glass. It’s plastic.

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Fintan: Nothing feels better than winning Monopoly. Not love, not glory, not free pizza, nothing! 

Gisela: I’m sorry, have you tried pizza? 

Fintan: Yes, and it doesn’t compare to owning half the board and watching the light die from your friend’s eyes as you take their money and feel your friendship slowly vanishing.

Vespera: I like you.

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Gethen: Where’s Ruy? 

Alvar: Doing stuff. 

Gethen: I don’t like the sound of that. Where’s Trix? 

Alvar: Trying to stop Ruy from doing the stuff. 

Gethen: And Umber? 

Alvar: Trying to stop Trix from stopping Ruy from doing the stuff. 

Gethen: I see. And what are you doing here, Alvar? 

Alvar: I’m supposed to stop you from stopping Umber from stopping Trix from stopping Ruy from doing the stuff.

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Gethen: Ladies, gentlemen and Trix, I want to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld! 

Ruy: A llama? 

Gethen: No. 

Ruy: A baby llama? 

Gethen: No! 

Ruy: A baby llama with a little hat on? 

Gethen: NO!

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Fintan: No more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references, alright? Are we cowabunga on this? 

Gisela, sighing: Fine. We're cowabunga.

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*The Neverseen has just arrived in a new city.

*Fintan looks around at the wanted posters to see if he's on any of them. * 

Gisela: Fintan, are you a criminal? 

Fintan: Not here, I’m not!

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Fintan, trying to comfort Brant: What's the problem? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there.

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Gisela: New rule! You’re not allowed to do anything that begins with, “Hey y’all! Watch this!”

Ruy: Great, now I can’t find a loophole through this.

Umber: We all know that Gethen has already found one.

Gethen: HEY BITCHES, BROS, AND NON-BINARY HOES! I’M GONNA…

Gisela: Don’t finish that sentence.

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Trix: Do you support gay rights? 

Ruy: I’m literally gay. 

Alvar: He’s avoiding the question!

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Brant: You have Crayons? 

Ruy: Yes, I have…

Brant: You're…how old are you? 

Ruy: YES I AM AN ADULT AND I HAVE CRAYONS, I HAVE A BOX OF EMERGENCY CRAYONS IN THE CABINET UNDER THE TV BECAUSE EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS SOMETIMES, OKAY? EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS.

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*Fintan watching his house burn down* 

Fintan: 

*starts filming* 

Fintan: Waddup, guys, welcome to my vlog, today's topic: how to get away with accidentally committing arson because you forgot Spaghetti O's cans are metal and thus non-microwavable! Step one: deny everything.

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Gisela: Fine! I don't give a shit! 

Fintan: You seem to give a lot of shit for someone who claims not to give a shit.

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Ruy: Ooh, let me see! 

*Takes a piece of paper from Alvar* 

Alvar: ... 

Ruy: 

Ruy: Oh wait, I can’t read.

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Fintan: What did you two do? 

Brant: 

Alvar: 

Fintan: You’re not in trouble, I just need to know if I have to lie to the police again or not.

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Umber: I'm a witch. I mixed some herbs and crystals together and now my cat knows the f-word.

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Police Officer: You have the right to remain silent. 

Trix: I choose to waive that right! 

*Trix screaming*

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Vespera: They look like a real handful. How do you deal with them? 

Fintan, watching Ruy screaming, Brant trying to set a sleeping Gethen on fire, and Ruy choking on air: I don't know either.

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Gisela: I reserve the right to judge a movie based on when it was made, thank you very much. 

Brant: You consider anything made before 2000 old and bad. 

Gisela: And I reserve that right! After all, I bet you wouldn’t like the average movie made in 1879! 

Vespera: There were no movies made in 1879. 

*Gisela slams table* 

Gisela: WRONG! There was ONE movie made in 1879! The first movie! A zoopraxiscope of a horse galloping! 

Gethen: Oooh! Let’s go ask Fintan if he saw it in theaters!

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Brant: Do you know that we are made out of atoms? And atoms never touch each other. So, in my defense, officer. I did not punch this kid.

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Trix, working at McDonald's: Sorry sir, we don't serve a McFuck here, so either you throw that one slice of pickle out or we're gonna have a McProblem.

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Trix: How long do you reckon it’ll be until Gethen finally snaps and commits murder? 

Umber: I’ve been going through life assuming it’s already happened at some point and it’s just that no one was ever able to trace it back to him.

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Trix: If you were an ice cream flavor, what flavor would you be? 

Umber: Chocolate. 

Gethen: Chocolate!? You basic bitch! 

Gisela: If I was an ice cream flavor, I’d be pistachio! 

Brant: Because nobody likes you?

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Gethen: Don't worry, I've got a few knives up my sleeve. 

Brant: I think you mean cards. 

Umber: He did not. 

Gethen, pulling out knives: I did not.

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Brant: What's the worst thing you guys have done? 

Alvar: Rickrolled my teacher in 4th grade. 

Trix: I kicked Umber in the shin…

Umber: …So I kicked Trix between the legs. 

Fintan: I burned a town down. 

Alvar: What?! 

Gisela: What the hell is wrong with you?!? 

Fintan: A lot of things. 

Gethen: No shit.

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Umber: What’s wrong? You look 10 seconds away from ripping someone’s throat out. 

Gethen: Fucking Ruy and Alvar were trying to invoke one of the minor gods again last night. I didn't get an ounce of sleep, thanks to their fucking chanting.

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Trix: Christmas lights? 

Gisela: Check. 

Brant: Thermos of hot cocoa? 

Gisela: Check. 

Ruy: Santa suits? 

Gisela: Check. 

Umber: Shovel? 

Gisela: Check. 

Fintan: Alibi and bail money? 

Gisela: Check…wait, WHAT?!

Chapter Text

*The Neverseen is playing Among Us* 

Trix: I believe Umber is innocent, I was with her the whole time. Gethen, what were you doing? 

Gethen: Oh, I was just murdering… I mean, nothing!

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Keefe joining The Neverseen

Keefe: If I say yes am I joining a cult? 

Brant: Possibly. 

Keefe: I’m in.

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Gisela: I'm trying to juggle family life and work life but I can't seem to find a balance. What do you suggest I do to keep everyone happy? 

Vespera, deadpan: Quit your job, kill your family.

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Alvar: When Ruy was born, the gods said, "He’s too perfect for this world." 

Umber: When Gethen was born, the devil said, "Oh, competition."

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*Ruy and Alvar about to get married*

Fintan: Today, two families are becoming one. 

Umber, in an ominous voice: Two families enter, one family leaves. 

Gisela: That sounds so threatening… 

Trix: The Wedding Games… 

Gethen: May the bouquet toss be ever in your favor. 

Alvar: Beautiful. 

Gisela: Fuck all of you!

Chapter Text

Gisela, filling out legal paperwork: Were you guys born in a hospital or somewhere else? 

Alvar: Bold of you to assume I was born at all. 

Trix: I personally was created in a lab. 

Ruy: I just straight up spawned lol.

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Brant: Tired of just deserving better. Gonna start taking it by force.

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Gisela: Put your coat on.

Gethen: You think I need a coat? Bitch, I need my sanity.

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Umber: I’m going to hell. 

Trix: Probably. 

Umber: I'll pick you up? 

Trix: Carpool.

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Gethen: When I met you, I thought you were a real bitch. 

Umber: What changed your mind? 

Gethen: Oh, I still think you’re a bitch, I’ve just grown to like that about you.

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Gisela, to Keefe and Tam:  Are you or are you not an enemy of The Neverseen?! 

Tam: ... 

Keefe: ... 

Tam: That is such an open-ended question. 

Keefe: Yeah, it really depends on a lot of different factors…

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Demon: Hey, I took your soul last month and…

Gethen: No returns. 

 Demon, sobbing: But it's making me sad…

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Trix: If history repeats itself, I’m so getting a dinosaur!

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Gisela: I sense hostility. 

Vespera: Good, because I hate you.

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A basic Councilor meeting thousands of years ago 

Fintan: If I die, my funeral will be the biggest party ever and you're all invited. 

Fallon: "If" 

Bronte: Great, the only party I'm ever invited to, and he might not even die.

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Brant: How many children do you have? 

Gisela: Biologically, legally, or emotionally? Because there is a difference.

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Fintan: When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! It thought it could give me lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the person who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my technopaths to invent an explosive lemon that burns your house down!

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Trix, lying on the floor, depressed: I'll never be a cop. I'm gonna have to be a robber.

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Alvar: Not gonna lie, I'm kind of afraid of Gethen... 

Ruy: As you should be. 

Alvar: No, for real, he’s kinda…

Ruy: As. You. Should. Be.

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Brant: That’s illegal, right? 

Fintan: Why do you care? Are you a fucking cop? 

Brant: No…

Fintan: Then shut the fuck up.

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Gisela, in a horrible German accent: Bill Nye is on break, I'm Bill Nein. 

Alvar: Can I go to the bathroom? 

Gisela, in the same horrible German accent: Nein!

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Fintan: Good morning. As you begin your day, remember that violence is always an option and often the answer. 

Gisela: 

Fintan: 

Gisela: Please, go back to hell.

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Gethen: I came into this earth screaming and covered in someone else's blood and I'm not afraid to leave the same way.

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Gisela: Fintan is forbidden from monologuing.

Fintan: How dare you! As a matter of fact, monologuing is an excellent form of interacting with the fellow individuals around you! Though, many people do it completely wrong! You see, I would like to think that…

Gethen, whispering to Brant: He’s doing it again. Monologuing.

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Gethen: You're a lying piece of shit!

Umber: Oh yeah? You're the idiot that thinks you can get away with everything you do, WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD! 

Gethen: FUCK YOU, YOU BITCH

Umber: OH, MY FUCKING GOD!

Gethen: I'm leaving and I'm gonna start my own cult!

Umber: For the last time, WE ARE NOT A CULT!

Gisela, gathering cards: Aaaaand that's enough Monopoly for today.

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Brant: Where are you going? 

Fintan: To either get ice cream or commit a felony. I'll decide on the way.

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Gisela: What do we say when making bread? 

Trix: That's the dough rising. 

Gisela: And what do we NOT say? 

Gethen, sadly: That's the yeast fucking.

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Umber: I need to dye my hair. 

Trix: ... 

Umber: Or get another tattoo. 

Trix: ... 

Umber: Or a new piercing. 

Trix: Why? 

Umber: To, you know, appease the mental breakdown gods.

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Gethen, setting down a card: Ace of spades. 

Alvar, pulling out an Uno card: +4. 

Ruy, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you! 

Umber: What are we playing?!

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Gisela: Remember! Curiosity killed the cat! 

Fintan: Yes, but you forget that satisfaction brought it back. So yes, Brant can go find out if that thing can catch fire! 

Gisela: You're a bad influence. 

Fintan: And you don't know your sayings.

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Gisela: You tricked me! 

Vespera: I deceived you. ‘Trick’ makes it sound like we have a friendly relationship.

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Gisela: Why are you on fire? 

Fintan: This is just how my day is going.

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Gethen: I’m a reverse necromancer. 

Brant: Isn’t that just killing people? 

Gethen: Ah, technically.

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Alvar: Today at 7 am, Ruy poured a Monster energy drink in his coffee, said "I'm going to die" and drank the whole thing. 

Umber: I watched Ruy brew his coffee with Monster instead of water. Three cups in two hours. I think he ascended into the astral realm. 

Trix: The survivability of the elven race never fails to amaze me.

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Gisela: What happened to Fintan? 

Brant: He died. 

Gisela: He what? 

Brant: He died, but he’s okay. 

Gisela: Can you please clarify? 

Brant: Clarification is for the weak.

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Umber: So, Trix is no longer allowed to take the trash out at night. 

Alvar: Why? 

Umber: Because I've caught them trying to train raccoons to fight five times in a row. 

Trix, arms crossed and pouting: You'll be thanking me when the third raccoon battalion saves your ass.

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Umber: Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle, and explode into bats to get out of all social situations.

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Gisela: I have been tricked, I have been backstabbed, and I have quite possibly been bamboozled.

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Gethen: The ‘how the fucks’ and 'why are you so dumbs’ don’t matter. All that matters is that I have a new gun.

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Alvar: Will Ruy be okay? 

Gethen: He won’t be when I find him.

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Jolie: Brant, I think we have a problem. 

Brant: What, the fire? 

Jolie: No, the… wait, what fire? 

Brant: Oh, forget about it, this sounds more interesting.

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Brant, at Fintan's funeral: I need a moment with him.

Everyone: Of course. 

*They leave* 

Brant, leaning over Fintan′s coffin: Okay, listen here you little shit. I know you’re not dead. 

Fintan: Yeah, no shit.

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Gethen: You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. You treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol.

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Alvar: What's the most efficient way to burn calories? 

Trix: Exercise more! 

Brant: Set yourself on fire. 

Umber: There are two kinds of people.

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If Fintan was a parent

Teacher: Your child was in a fight. 

Fintan: Oh no, that’s terrible… did they win?

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Fintan: I’ve invited you here because I crave the deadliest game... 

Gethen, nodding: Knife Monopoly. 

Fintan: I was actually going to play Russian roulette, but now I'm really interested in whatever knife Monopoly is.

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Gisela: We call that a traumatic experience. 

Gisela, turning to Alvar: Not a "bruh moment". 

Gisela, turning to Gethen: Not “what the fuck". 

Gisela, turning to Ruy: And DEFINITELY not an "oof LM AO".

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Fintan: Be careful about succumbing to these sorts of destructive... urges. Addiction can be a powerful thing. 

Gethen: So am I. Bow down before your new supreme overlord, bitches.

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Gisela: We are gathered here today because someone…

 *glares at Umber’s coffin*

 Gisela: …couldn’t stay alive!

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*Gethen mixing different alcoholic beverages together* 

Brant: What are you making? 

Gethen: A mistake.

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Gisela: Guys where did Fintan go? 

Vespera: He got arrested. 

Gisela: How the hell…

*Fintan bursts in through the window* 

Fintan: The Council is after me, I thought it would be fun to steal crackers, set them on fire, and throw them at people.

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Gethen: I'm bored. 

Umber: Wanna commit first degree murder? 

Gethen: I thought you’ll never ask.

Brant, hearing them: No... Stop, don't do that! Put that knife down! Put Alvar down!!

Gethen: FUCK!

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Ruy: I regret getting dragged into your heterosexual tomfoolery.

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Gethen: Alcohol is delicious! ...I mean, MAlicious. Sorry guys, I’m really drunk right now.

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Gisela: You think you're smarter than everyone else. 

Vespera: I don't think I'm smarter than everyone else. I know I am.

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Gisela: I know you've made it so you can see your picture everywhere you go. 

Fintan: Those are wanted posters!

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Ruy: Wait… you’re arresting me because I'm a homo?! 

The Council: ...Homicide. You killed your whole family.

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Ruy: Umber is a strings kid. We must sacrifice her to the band gods. 

Brant: Yes. 

Gethen: You're right. It'd be a good initiation for me. 

Umber: Wait, guys, what about the truce we signed?

Fintan: What truce? 

Vespera, sighs: The truce that we must destroy all the choir kids and leave the strings alone. 

Trix: Wait, I'm a choir kid! 

*Everyone else, prepares for sacrifice*

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Gethen, holding a fork: You know you're talking a lot of shit for someone who has 2 perfectly good eyeballs each cost about $16,000 on the black-market. 

Alvar: .... 

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Trix: When I get murdered, can you make sure I become an unsolved case? 

Umber: wHat? 

Trix: I want to be on Buzzfeed Unsolved. 

Umber: Can we go back to the part when you said "when I get murdered"?

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Alvar: I tried to write ‘I'm a functional adult’ but my phone changed it to ‘fictional adult’ and I feel like that’s more accurate.

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Gisela: If you got arrested what would be the charges? 

Alvar: Theft. 

Ruy: Disturbing the peace. 

Umber: Aggravated assault. 

Fintan: Arson. 

Gethen: All of the above. In that order, probably.

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Umber: And that’s how you do it.

*Trix claps*

Trix: Why isn’t everyone clapping?

Umber: Yeah! 

Trix: You guys should clap after someone presents something.

Umber: No, they shouldn’t.

Trix: What do you mean by “they shouldn’t”?

Umber: You guys are REQUIRED to clap after I perform. So, use those hands, and smack them together bitches.

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Gethen, in prison: What about my rights!? You’re supposed to say I have ‘the right to remain silent’”! NOBODY SAID I HAD THE FUCKING RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT! 

Vespera, in the cell next to him: You have the right to remain silent, what you lack is the capacity.

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Brant: I bet you can’t make a sentence without the letter “A”! 

Fintan: You thought you just did something there, didn’t you? Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but numerous sentences could be constructed without employing the first letter of the English lexicon.

Gethen: Fuck you.

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Fintan: God is no longer with us, I’ll take over.

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The Blackswan: We’re going to defeat you with the power of friendship. 

Gisela: We’re not friends. 

The rest of The Neverseen: We’re going to defeat you with the power of incredible violence.

Ruy and Alvar, on the side: Jazz hands!

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The Blackswan: You’re a horrible person! 

Gisela: Maybe. But I’m rich and I’m pretty, so it doesn’t really matter.

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Gethen: Honestly, I am so evil. So full of darkness. I feed off the souls of the living. I strike fear into…

Umber: You sleep with a teddy bear. 

Gethen: He’s my sECOND IN COMMAND IN MY ARMY OF DARKNESS!

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Fintan: I do three things and three things only. I devastate sorry motherfuckers, commit arson, and get shit done as an awesome leader.

Gisela: Everything about that is wrong.

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Gisela: I have a problem. 

Vespera: Kill it. 

Fintan: Can you chill for like, two seconds?

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Gethen, playing a video game: How do I play? 

*Gethen has drawn first blood!* 

*Gethen is on a killing spree!* 

*Gethen is on a rampage!* 

*Gethen is unstoppable!* 

*Gethen is dominating!* 

*Gethen is godlike!* 

Gethen: Don’t worry guys, I figured it out.

Chapter Text

*At the police station* 

Alvar: Hi, I’m here for Ruy.

Police officer: Who’s Ruy? 

Alvar: Ah, you must be new.

Chapter Text

Fintan: I am the most responsible person in The Neverseen.

Gisela: You just set the kitchen on fire. 

Fintan: Yes, and I take full responsibility for that.

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Fintan: My ultimate goal is to punch God in the eye, just to spite him one last time.

Chapter Text

Gisela: What are you two doing?

Alvar: See these boxes?

Gisela: Yes? What about them?

Ruy: We’re boxing the boxes in these boxes so we can box the boxes that we’ll get when the boxes with boxes come from the boxer of boxes.

Umber, walking past: And this is why you don’t box box and box anything.

Gethen: Yeah. Box and box would just box away about boxes.

Gisela: I think I’m hallucinating.

Brant: You are. Box out of it.

Chapter Text

Umber: Here’s the cold medicine you asked for. 

*Umber dumps 3 shopping bags of beer on the table* 

Gethen: Thanks!

Chapter Text

Brant: Hey, wanna help me commit arson? 

Fintan: What the hell!? 

Brant: Oh, sorry, my bad. 

Brant, whispering: Wanna help me commit arson? 

Fintan, whispering: Of course. What do you need?

Chapter Text

Fintan: Yeah, well I've never died so how do I know that god is real.

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Fintan: I’m serious! They’re watching me! They’ve even got an agent following me! Don’t you believe me? 

Vespera: Look, it’s not that I don’t believe you… It’s that I don’t believe you and I don’t care.

Chapter Text

Gisela: For self-defense reasons, I'm going to pretend to be a burglar and you guys have to act wisely. 

Brant, Fintan, and Gethen: Okay. 

Gisela: If you don't want to die, give me all your money. 

Brant: Bold of you to assume I have money. 

Gethen: Bold of you to assume I don't want to die. 

Fintan: Bold of you to assume I can die.

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Gethen, writing in his diary: I'm losing my sense of humanity. Nothing matters. God is dead. There's blood on my hands.

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Fintan: Don't joke about murder. I was murdered once, and it offends me.

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Ruy: The waiter at Olive Garden has been grating my cheese for 6 hours now, waiting for me to say when. Customers are screaming. Three people have died. I will not yield.

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Ruy: I did it! I memorized everything in the book! I'm gonna ace this test! 

Fintan: Ok, Ruy, I'll give you one more question before you go. What ended in 1918? 

Ruy: 1917. 

Brant: You're ready.

Chapter Text

Gisela: The real treasure was the memories we made along the way. 

Vespera: I almost died. 

Gisa: That was my favorite memory.

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Fintan: I’m the devil.

Gethen: And I’m a demon.

Gisela: Everyone here is a demon. No one is an angel.

Ruy: That’s not true! I’m a broken angel.

Alvar: I thought it was a half demon half angel.

Umber: It’s fallen angel, asshole.

Trix: Well, if you guys are broken angels or fallen angels or whatever, then I’m an Alpha, Omega, Hybrid Demon Wolf.

Brant: NO! NOT THE 2018 GACHA LIFE PHASE!

Chapter Text

Fintan: Pardon me, but it sounds like you’re questioning my authority! 

Gisela: Not at all. Merely your disgusting methods.

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Ruy: Can you PLEASE peer pressure me into doing my project? 

Trix: Do it or you're straight. 

Ruy: I said peer pressure, NOT THREATEN!

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Trix: I like wearing oversized sweaters. Not just because they're extremely comfy and cuddly, but because whenever the sleeves are really big, I get to flop them around and smack people.

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Gisela: You know, when we are in a battle against The Blackswan, Gethen can get a little… 

Umber: Psycho? 

Alvar: Scary? 

Brant: Drunk? 

Ruy: All three.

Gethen, from afar: YO'RE WELCOME, BITCHES!

Chapter Text

Brant: I love hearing Fintan shouting at someone else. It makes such a nice change.

Chapter Text

Fintan: I saw you fall, saw the sinners lay on your corpses... 

Gisela: Hey, what’s up with Fintan? 

Fintan: I created you, made the pieces perfect, others marveled at your beauty… their gazes may have held envy, though, for none are perfect but you. I was only looking away for a moment, but you were gone. I had failed you. And I fell into despair. The only way to save myself was to create, but I knew… this time I knew I was only making you to die. And I apologize. For I will undoubtedly fail you again. For a short time, there will be peace and beauty, but none in the face of us shall lay undisturbed. The greatest have fallen, and will continue to fall, and I weep for you for being born unto this place, where brother eats brother, and the undeserving rise to fame. Those that have gone against you know they’ve wronged you, and they will stand before the creator, knowing they have sinned. Do not worry, little ones, you will be avenged. 

Brant: He made some rock towers and went somewhere else for twenty minutes and when he came back the rock towers were destroyed and people were sitting where the towers once were, so he was sad and made more rock towers. 

Gisela, to Fintan: Hey, who even is the creator? I thought you were an atheist! 

Fintan: SHUT THE FUCK UP, GISELA! I’M TRYING TO BE DRAMATIC AND MYSTERIOUS!

Chapter Text

Brant: Hello Alvar, made anyone cry today? 

Alvar: Sadly, no. But it’s only 4:30.

Chapter Text

Fintan: I have locked Sophie in a cage designed by her own art. Oh, she has been well and truly hoisted by her own petard. 

Brant: Could you put it another way? I didn’t understand a word of that. 

Fintan: I’m blackmailing her. 

Brant: Oh, happy days.

Chapter Text

Umber: I’ve become a bread crumb dealer to four crows at the lake. They pay me with a bit of everything. Like shiny things, fabric, or pens. But recently they paid me with a 20 dollar bill they found somewhere. So I decided to buy them some more expensive bread. They loved it. So they understand what to do. Give me money. I’ve probably racked up about 200 dollars at this point. Is it morally wrong though, I mean. They’re the ones who steal the money from others. Or perhaps they just have a big pile laying somewhere. Should I keep on doing this? 

Trix: You sound like the start of a Batman villain.

Chapter Text

Gisela: Hey, do you know anyone who can teach me to play the trumpet? 

Vespera: Why? 

Gisela: I want to wander around playing it to annoy Fintan. 

Vespera: Technically, you don’t actually need to know how to play the trumpet well for that. 

Gisela: Vespera, you have opened my eyes.

Chapter Text

Fintan: I’m not mad, I just need to know why you two had a fake ID. 

*Incoherent mumbling* 

Fintan: Huh? 

Ruy: …You need to be 18 to hold the puppies at PetCo.

Chapter Text

Ruy: Whether or not I pay income taxes is none of the government's business. 

Trix: No, well, actually, it is. 

Ruy: You don't know my name or what I look like, good luck finding me.

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Umber, holding a gun: If the conspiracies about life being a simulation are true WHOEVERS CONTROLLING MY SIM I JUST WANNA TALK.

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Ruy: I love the term 'partners'. Are we dating? Are we robbing a bank? Are we the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies and are members of an elite squad known as the special victims unit? Who knows.

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Trix, making coffee: This is going to fix everything.

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Gethen: I have yet to encounter a problem where a sword didn't factor into the solution at least in some way.

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Brant: You’re from Ohio, right? 

Gethen: Okay, first of all, my parents live in Ohio. I live in the moment.

Chapter Text

Umber: Ugh, there’s always that weak bitch in the group who isn’t down with murder. 

*glares at Trix* 

Trix: Well, sorry I have morals!

Chapter Text

Gisela: Who’s turn is it to give the pep talk?

Brant: Vespera.

Vespera: If at first you don’t succeed, it’s only attempted murder.

Gethen: Now that is some quality advice right there!

Chapter Text

Trix: Screw lactose intolerance! I will consume as much dairy as I want! 

*2 hours later*

Trix, crying on the floor: WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH?!

Chapter Text

Brant: What does “take out” mean? 

Ruy: Food. 

Umber: Dating. 

Vespera: Murder. 

Gethen: It can be all three if you’re brave enough.

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Gisela: Live fast, die young, leave behind a pretty corpse! That’s what I always say! 

Umber: You should say something else.

Chapter Text

Brant: Good. Thanks, dad. 

Gisela: You just called Fintan “dad”. You just said “thanks, dad.” 

Brant: What? No, I didn’t. I said “thanks, man”. 

Fintan: Do you see me as a father figure, Brant? 

Brant: No. If anything, I see you as a bother figure ‘cause you’re always bothering me. 

Trix: Hey! Show your father some respect!

Chapter Text

Umber: A fistfight CAN be romantic.

Chapter Text

Ruy: I haven't slept in seventy-three hours. 

Umber: Eighty. Democratically elected leader of insomnia. 

Gethen: Bitch, it's been ninety for me. I'm going for an even one hundred. 

Trix: You guys are fucking terrifying.

Chapter Text

Alvar: I won a new phone in a race. 

Alden: Huh? What kind of race lets you win a phone?

Alvar: A race between the store owner, The Council, and me.

Chapter Text

Umber, singing: He's making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who's on thin fucking ice.

Gethen, also singing: Santa Claus is calling you out!

Chapter Text

Ruy: Brant said it's my turn with the brain cell. 

Alvar: Square up.

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Gisela: I swear to god I'm the only one here with a brain cell. 

Alvar, Ruy, Umber, and Trix: ALL HAIL the keeper of the sacred brain cell!

Vespera: I’m surrounded by idiots.

Chapter Text

Gethen, grinning: I have a knife! 

Gisela: Put it down, Gethen.

Gethen: Make me!

*sprints away*

Chapter Text

Gisela: If we lose, you’re out of the will. 

Fintan: I was in the will?

Chapter Text

Ruy: Let's all agree that going up the stairs on all fours is actually the best experience on earth. 

Umber: Conversely, going down the stairs on all fours is actually the most terrifying experience on earth.

Chapter Text

Ruy: Five little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and… 

Fintan: Was diagnosed with mesothelioma. 

Trix: Mamma called the doctor and the doctor said… 

Gisela: You might be entitled to financial compensation if he or a loved one dies.

Chapter Text

Fintan: I desire moisture. 

Gisela: Please just say "I want water" like a normal person.

Chapter Text

Umber, furious: What do you mean we have homework tonight? I have books to read.

Chapter Text

*The Neverseen is gathered in the living room for a meeting* 

*Ruy walks in and sits on Alvar’s lap* 

The Neverseen: … 

Brant: Why are you sitting there? 

Ruy: There are no free seats! 

Brant: But we made sure there was enough room for…

*hugs Alvar tightly* 

Ruy: There are no free seats.

Chapter Text

Trix: Just be yourself. 

Ruy: Really? Trix, I have one day to win over Alvar’s parents. How long did it take for you guys to like me? 

Umber: Couple of weeks. 

Brant: Six months. 

Gethen: Jury’s still out. 

Ruy: See Trix? ‘Just be yourself,’ what kind of garbage advice is that?!

Chapter Text

Ruy: We could make a boys club! 

Trix: I’m non-binary. 

Ruy: 

Alvar: Anti-girls club.

Chapter Text

Ruy: We always used to do the Wordle rather than take notes in class. 

Alvar: To stop us the teacher would always threaten to tell us the answer if we didn’t pay attention.

Trix: But aren’t you guys a year apart?

Alvar: Shhhhhh.

Chapter Text

Umber: Trix is restricted to decaf for the rest of this adventure.