Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Marlene used to think that she was a normal girl. Just like everyone else. But is she? Because throughout the past few weeks, she has noticed more and more differences between herself and the girls she used to get along with. Ever since school started again, the people she hangs out with seem to have changed. Or is she the one who has changed? Those people—you might call them her friends, but Marlene doesn’t, because she doesn’t feel like they know her and she doesn’t feel like she understands them—started to focus on things that Marlene just has zero capacity for in her brain. Boys.

She sits at the table she usually sits on and eats lunch with the usual people, and the conversation moves at lightning speed, but there is still that one thing one of those girls said just a minute ago that plays on repeat in Marlene’s head.

"Oh, you’re so brave, Marlene. I could never cut my hair that short. Boys don’t like that. But at least you wear makeup," she said.

Over summer break, she cut her hair quite a bit, to the great distress of her mother, but Marlene likes it; she feels comfortable, and once she told her mother, she reluctantly accepted it, but she never considered that what boys think might be important in that way. It never crossed her mind that a boy might have an opinion about her hair or a girl‘s hair style in general, and she certainly never thought it should be something for her to take into account. Should she, though? She started trying out makeup over the summer, but never did it cross her mind that someone might put it on to impress a boy. She just does it because she thinks she looks awesome wearing eyeliner. Would a boy prefer it if she still had that long, blond hair she used to have? But Marlene likes the short, sometimes chaotic hairstyle she has now, and why should that be less important than what a boy might think? And there is certainly nothing brave about that whole thing, because what is there to be brave? She just cut her hair.

The repeated mention of her name brings Marlene back to the table, back to the conversation, and out of her thoughts. "What about you, Marlene?"

"Huh?" She asks and shoves a spoon full of mashed potatoes into her mouth.

"Who do you have a crush on?" Rachel says, and she sounds a bit annoyed, as if she already asked before. Marlene wasn’t listening to her, so she wouldn’t know, but she feels like that could be part of the reason why she sounds annoyed.

Marlene’s brain shortcircuits for a second. Does she have a crush on anyone? She doesn’t think so. She just shrugs and smiles, hoping it would be enough of an answer, but apparently it’s not.

"I bet it’s Sirius Black," Rachel says with a knowing smile, though Marlene doesn’t know what she thinks she knows because she definitely doesn’t have a crush on Sirius Black. He looks good, she supposes, but whenever she sees him, the only thought on her mind is how fucking cool his leather jacket is and that she should see if she could find a similar one for herself. Is that how you feel when you have a crush? He sure is nice to look at. He has pretty hair and everything, but is that what a crush is?

She settles for a smile, which the girls clearly interpret as confirmation, but Marlene just wants the conversation to move on. Olivia mumbles something under her breath, but Marlene doesn’t catch it.

"I think I have bad news for you then," Madison says. Marlene doesn’t really care about what the bad news is, but she turns her attention to her anyway, because that’s what everyone else does. "I‘ve heard that he kissed Mary Mcdonald," she announces as if that is shocking news or something, and Marlene is very confused about why the other girls on her table gasp loudly. It doesn’t seem like such a big deal to her.

"What?" Olivia asks, and she sounds like she is about to cry. "Are you sure?"

Madison nods, and Olivia stares down at her plate in dissatisfaction and disappointment. "She‘s such a slut," she grumbles.

"Yeah, anyways. Guess what," Rachel says and waits until she has everyone’s attention. "I kissed Peter yesterday," she announces, and the other girls squeal.

Marlene drifts off again. It annoys her that boys are everything the other girls talk about these days. It’s not that interesting, honestly. She wonders why everyone else seems to have so much to say about it and why they don’t seem to feel uncomfortable talking about it at all. She just doesn’t get it.

She gulps down her food, then quickly excuses herself with a lie about having forgotten something in the classroom and sets off. She doesn’t know where she is going; she doesn’t really register anything at all until she finds herself in the small yard behind the building, leaning against the big trunk of a tree. She finally gets a moment to breathe after having to listen to that useless conversation about boys and the mass of people that were in the hallways when she tried to escape that conversation. When she brushed past a group of girls on her way out, one of them pressed a flyer into her hand, and Marlene was too busy getting the hell away that she just took it and rushed on. For lack of anything better to do, she examines it.

It informs about a book club that comes together once a week, every Tuesday. Though the pictures and small texts introducing the club look interesting, Marlene isn’t really the type of person who reads lots of books, so she would probably feel like an outsider, and she had enough of that already. It sounds like pretending to know exactly what the others are talking about even if she has no fucking clue, and she gets just that whenever she sits with those girls at lunch. So, no, thank you.

But apparently, fate has different plans, because when she heads back to her class and settles down in her usual seat next to Olivia, she asks, "Marlene, we‘re meeting up today after school. Are you in?"

And Marlene doesn’t feel like sitting through a whole afternoon of talking about boys, so she shakes her head and says, "No, sorry. I have that book club meeting today after school." Funny how things work out. She still doesn’t plan on going, though. Just an excuse not to hang out with Olivia and the rest. If not wanting to spend time with them and lying in order not to have to is rude, Marlene frankly doesn’t care.

Olivia nods, and that seems to be it. Marlene exhales in relief. She doesn’t have to meet up with them, and that book club meeting served as a great excuse.

But in the end, things don’t work out like they were supposed to. After the lesson ends, Marlene starts packing her stuff, and she takes her time doing it, but when she is finally ready to leave, the girls wait outside the classroom. It would be quite nice under any other circumstances, because at least they seem to care enough about Marlene to stick around after class, waiting for her, but today, it’s not at all what Marlene wants them to do. And not only that, they escort her to the room where the book club meeting is supposed to take place and tell her to drop by later on, if she has the time. Marlene promises that she will definitely think about it and says goodbye to them, but they stay where they are, waiting for her to enter the room. Marlene inwardly rolls her eyes. She feels a little bad because all those girls do is be nice, but Marlene just needs a break.

She sighs and smiles at the girls, then opens the door, walking in. Maybe there is nobody there yet? Or maybe she can just pretend to have walked into the wrong room?

But, of course, that’s not how things go down at all. When she steps into the room and the door falls shut behind her, everyone in the room looks at her. At least for a moment. Or at least it feels like it. Okay, if she is honest, one girl looks at her, but she still feels like an intruder or something. Like she shouldn’t be there.

"You‘re here for the book club?" The curvy girl with beautiful, long red hair asks and smiles kindly. Marlene finds herself unable to speak, and she doesn’t see a way out of this, so she forces a smile, then opens her mouth. "I just wanted to see what this is about," she mumbles, but the other girl nods enthusiastically.

"Sure! Just write your name on that list, and then you can just sit down," she instructs with a smile.

Marlene does just that. When her name is on the list, she follows the redhead girl and takes a seat next to her. The chairs are arranged into a circle, and Marlene feels kind of exposed, so she decides to focus all her attention on the girl next to her.

"I‘m Lily, by the way. Lily Evans," she says.

"Marlene McKinnon," she introduces herself and smiles. Somehow, she doesn’t feel as out of place anymore, now that there is at least one person she can talk to. It’s odd. "Have you been here before?" She asks. "I mean, like, to the book club?"

"Yes, I go every week," Lily replies, and she turns in her seat so that her feet dangle to the side where Marlene sits. "But only since the beginning of term. The girl who organises everything, Alice, she is amazing." It seems that Lily was going to say more, but the door opens again, and the girl who walks in steals her attention away. She waves her over, the biggest smile Marlene has ever seen on another person’s face.

The two girls hug, and to Marlene’s great surprise, the girl with the huge afro turns and goes to hug her as well. She hugs her back, and even though it only lasts for two seconds, she is still surrounded by the lovely scent of her shampoo. It smells like fruit and something else, which Marlene can only describe as summer. She smells like summer. And she also looks like summer. She wears a yellow neck-holder top that looks great on her dark skin, hugging her curves, and bell bottoms. The earrings she wears are huge, golden hoops, and Marlene can’t believe she has never noticed her before in the hallway because she looks absolutely stunning.

"That’s Marlene McKinnon," Lily introduces her, and Marlene smiles.

"Mary Mcdonald," the summer girl says, taking a seat on Lily’s other side. So that is the girl Olivia is so jealous of. Marlene understands. Not the part about being jealous of the boy she kisses, but she is gorgeous. Marlene would like to have the confidence that she radiates. Maybe that’s why Olivia called her a slut earlier. Because Mary seems like the kind of person who knows what she wants and acts on it. Marlene supposes that there must be a better term for it than slut, because that word sounds so negative, but Marlene doesn’t think that it’s a negative quality to have. It’s more something to envy.

Lost in her thoughts, she didn’t really pay attention to what the other two girls said until Lily nudges her into the side and points to the book in her hand. "Do you have your own copy?" She asks, and when Marlene shakes her head, she smiles and says, "Then we can both use mine."

The page that is open is full of little notes on the sides next to the text, and Marlene panics for a moment. If that is what you are supposed to do in a book club, then it’s definitely not for Marlene.

"Oh, you‘re such a show-off," Mary teases and pokes Lily into the side. She leans forward and speaks directly to Marlene. "If you ever need to look smart, just steal her notes, and everybody will think you‘re a bloody genius." The way she says it is so fondly, and when Marlene looks over to Lily, the expression on her face is soft, with the smallest hint of a smile on her lips.

But it only lasts a moment before she rolls her eyes and says, "Please don’t steal my notes. I already have someone doing that. If you need anything, though, you can just ask me, and I’ll give it to you gladly." Marlene nods and mumbles a thank you. With a furrowed brow, Lily turns her head to Mary on her other side, giving her a stern look, and says, "Because you can do that, you know? Just ask."

"Where is the fun in that?" Mary asks, and when Marlene locks eyes with her, she winks. Objectively, that’s all that happened. A wink. Just a wink. But somehow it feels different. She has been winked at by boys before (okay, it was just one boy, and it might have been an accident, but it still counts, right?), and that was nothing special, but the way Mary does it seems different in a way Marlene can’t quite explain.

"Hello everyone," a tall girl with short, brown hair says, clapping her hands once. That must be Alice, Marlene thinks. The chatter starts dying down, and soon the room is completely quiet. "I see we have a few new faces here today, and I’m so glad that you decided to join us today. Now, last week, we started talking about 'The well of loneliness' by Radclyffe Hall. We are not too far into it yet, so you won’t have any trouble keeping up. I suggest that the new ones just sit back and observe, but if you happen to know the book or have any other thoughts, we want to hear them, of course." Everyone in the room murmurs their agreement before Alice continues. "I‘m just going to give you a bit of context. It’s the first fictional work to openly discuss lesbianism, and therefore, it’s important." Marlene falters briefly. She knows what lesbians are and has heard and read about them, but there was never anyone who talked so casually about them as Alice does right now. Intrigued, Marlene starts listening more closely. "In England, it was banned because they found it obscene to write about these 'practices between women'. I think we ended last week’s debate on discussing the banning of the book itself, right?"

Agreement is murmured again, and one girl clears her throat and starts talking. "I think we can all agree on the fact that the banning of that book was unjustified, but it also postponed the effect this book had on society."

The girl who sits directly opposite Marlene is next to speak, and she can’t do anything but stare. "I don’t think that’s true," she says, and her eyes glisten when she continues. "I agree that the ban wasn’t justified, but I think it was beneficial to the movement. I think it increased the visibility of this book, and for decades to come, it was the best-known lesbian novel. Without the debate about the obscenity of the work, I think it wouldn’t have been this well known." Marlene nods in agreement. She doesn’t know anything about the book or the context, but that girl seems to know a lot about it. When the girl‘s gaze falls upon Marlene, who is still nodding, she smiles, and Marlene is sure that she has never seen anything as beautiful in her life.

That girl smiles as if she swallowed the sun, and now it’s her duty to light up the world. It’s full of kindness and joy, and it only lasts a few moments, but Marlene feels like she will starve if she doesn’t see it again. She faintly registers that the discussion goes on, but her eyes are still fixed on that girl. The way her braids fall over her shoulder, the way she attentively follows the contributions of the other girl, the way she chuckles at one point—it all looks so mesmerising. She isn’t even doing anything special, just excising, but Marlene is in awe. Unconsciously, she starts fixing her hair because she feels like it’s a bit messy, and the girl glances at her every now and then, so her hair has to look acceptable.

It takes a while, but eventually, the beautiful girl starts speaking again, and it snaps Marlene back to reality. Apparently, the conversation moves on, and now the topic is points of criticism, but she lost track along the way. Still, she soaks the girl‘s words up like a sponge. "I agree that the characters are very stereotypical, but I think that’s not the biggest problem with the book. Seeing as this was the first book to discuss lesbianism, it was probably an easy source to find for young people at that time, and I think the book doesn’t have any positive role models because it mainly focuses on the suffering of the characters. That’s the real issue, I think."

"That’s true," Mary agrees, and Marlene manages to tear her eyes away from the mesmerising girl in order to look over at Mary. "I also didn’t like the whole suffering part. Of course, it’s important to show all the things that lesbians struggle with, but I think stories with a happy ending, stories with characters who get to enjoy love are also important, and I think we lack those. That’s not what this particular work aims for—I understand that—it’s just something I wanted to bring up."

Another girl starts speaking, and conveniently, it’s the one who sits next to the girl, so staring at her isn’t too weird. "I agree on that. It doesn’t really have to do anything with this book in particular, but there should be more lesbian love stories." The whole room seems to agree on that.

The next hour flies by, and before Marlene realises it, the book club meeting is over and everyone starts packing their things. "So, what do you think?" Lily asks while stowing the book away.

"It was interesting," she replies, and she finds that she really means it. When coming in, she didn’t think it would be this enticing, but she is positively surprised.

"So we‘re going to see you again next week?" Mary asks and smiles. It’s beautiful, but not as beautiful as the girl‘s who sat opposite her.

"Yes, I think so," Marlene says, and again, she means it. It was interesting, and she would like to hear more about what those girls think about lesbianism and everything. She‘s actually looking forward to it, and it fills her with joy. It didn’t feel odd at all. Nobody was weird about her being there; nobody pressured her into saying anything, and she even found two people she thinks she is going to get along with. Plus, that beautiful girl. She alone would be a reason to come back.

"How are you going to get home?" Lily asks conversationally when they leave the room together.

"I‘ll take the bus."

"Great, me too," Lily says, and she actually seems happy to learn that. "Then we can go together."

Outside the school, they say goodbye to Mary, who takes the bike, and Marlene is sure she’s already used to Mary‘s hearty hugs. It’s only been the second one, but it feels natural.

When Lily and Marlene set off towards the bus stop, she turns around one last time to glance back, and she isn’t sure why she hoped she would see that girl again, but she‘s not there. Marlene is sure that the beautiful girl must have left after her, but she‘s not outside the school yet. She sighs and focuses on Lily instead.

The ride on the bus is quiet, but it’s not uncomfortable. Lily asks her a few questions and wants to know her thoughts about certain things that were said at the book club, and Marlene answers all of them and asks about Lily‘s options, but every now and then the conversation comes to a halt. The silence is comfortable, and it’s something Marlene is not used to. Normally, those situations stress her out immensely because she always tries to say something, do something to break the silence, then panics when she doesn’t find anything to say, but with Lily, she feels like it’s okay to not say anything for a while.

When she is about to get off the bus, Lily presses a small piece of paper into her hand. "Text me if you want," she says, and when Marlene inspects the note, she finds a phone number in neat handwriting.

"I will," she says, and she waves as she gets off the bus.

Chapter Text

"I‘m home," Marlene calls, and she steps into the corridor, shrugging her jacket off and throwing her backpack to the side immediately.

"You‘re late," her mum says, poking her head out of the kitchen. It’s not scolding; it’s more like an observation. Her mother has never been the type of person who fusses over Marlene excessively. She is the type of person who lets Marlene do her own thing, gives her opinion if Marlene asks for it, and lets Marlene come to her whenever she needs something.

"Yeah, sorry. There was this book club meeting," she explains and takes her shoes off. She walks into the kitchen and fills a huge glass of water, then downs it in large gulps.

"A book club?" Her mother asks from the kitchen table, a newspaper spread in front of her. "You didn’t tell me you were attending that meeting." She doesn’t sound angry, just surprised.

"I know, it was a spontaneous thing. Sorry for not letting you know."

Her mother comes over and tousles her hair, and Marlene rolls her eyes. "It’s okay. How was it?"

Fixing her hair, she says, "Good. Might go again next week."

"That’s nice, dear. What book are you reading?"

"It’s called 'The Well of Loneliness'," Marlene tells her, and she puts the glass down in the sink.

Her mother smiles at her, seemingly intrigued. "Never heard of it. What’s it about?"

"I’ve never heard of it before, either. I haven’t read it yet, but from what I’ve gathered, it’s about lesbianism." Marlene doesn’t know why her heart beats a little faster at saying that word out loud and at telling her mother that this is what the book is about. Marlene also doesn’t know why she is currently busying herself by looking at her nails, clearly unable to make eye contact with her mum, and why she finds herself a bit anxious at her mother’s reaction.

"Sounds interesting," is all she says, and Marlene dares to look at her again, nodding in agreement. "That means you have to swing by the bookstore and get a copy?"

"I do. Might go tomorrow after school."

Her mother nods and hums, then turns back to the newspaper she was reading when Marlene turns towards the door.

Inside her room, Marlene sinks onto her bed and stares at the ceiling for a moment. There is a lot going through her head right now. Firstly, Lily gave her her phone number. It might sound stupid, but Marlene feels like she, Lily, and Mary could maybe be friends some day, and that’s something she‘d like very much, so she pulls the note out of her pocket and unlocks her phone.

Marlene: hi, this is marlene
Marlene: quick question: what copy of the book do you have? I might go and buy one tomorrow

She locks her phone again, quite pleased with herself that she didn’t put off texting Lily for ages, and puts it on her nightstand. The meeting has been very interesting, and she briefly wonders why that book was chosen to be read. There were only girls there, not a single boy. Maybe Alice is a lesbian, and therefore she is interested in reading a book by a lesbian about lesbians. That would make sense. Or maybe it’s just an interesting topic in general. Because it definitely is.

It doesn’t take long, and the image of a particular girl pops up in her head. She definitely has to ask Lily or Mary what the girl‘s name is because she can’t keep calling her the beautiful girl in her mind. She undoubtedly is, but Marlene would very much like to put a name to that face.

The next thought that shoots through her mind is: is the beautiful girl only interested in talking about lesbianism, or is it possible that she might be a lesbian herself?

She sits up straight in her bed when she realises that she despises the thought of that girl talking about boys the way Olivia, Rachel, and Madison do. Does she want the beautiful girl to be a lesbian? It kind of feels like it. But… Why? Why is the thought of her being into girls so comforting? Why does the thought of her liking boys make her want to puke? It doesn’t make any sense. She doesn’t even know that girl, and while she is absolutely mesmerised by her, she doesn’t know anything about her and has never even talked to her. Why is the thought of her being obsessed with boys so irritating, stirring something in her chest and making her stomach clench? It doesn’t make any sense.

Unless… no. Can that be? No, surely not. Marlene likes boys, right? She doesn’t really care what they might think about her hair or her appearance in general, but she likes Sirius Black‘s leather jacket, right? Maybe it’s not a crush in that way, but…

She opens her laptop and opens the browser. And at this point, the universe is really trying to make fun of her. Because when she types in 'Am I' the browser immediately suggests, 'Am I gay?'

And yes, that might have come from the few quizzes she took over the summer, but that was just for fun, right? Or was it? Because it had said, 'Congrats! You‘re probably a lesbian'. But that was just a quiz, right? It doesn’t mean anything.

Or maybe, maybe is that what she felt when the beautiful girl smiled at her today exactly what other girls might feel when a boy smiles at them? Is this how it feels to have a crush? She certainly cared about what her hair looked like when it was her that was looking at Marlene. She did get a little self-conscious in that moment. Does that mean anything? Marlene contemplates these swirling thoughts as she sits on her bed, her mind racing with questions and uncertainty.

Now, she's confronted with the idea that those quizzes might have been onto something. Is this how it feels to be drawn to someone romantically? Does she like her in that way? But she doesn’t even know her name. Though she would love to know it. Would love to know how her name feels on her tongue. Would love to know what Marlene’s name sounds like, rolling off of her tongue.

The thoughts are firing through her brain at light speed, but she tries to stop them. She needs to focus now, because this is important. Is it possible that she is into girls? Is it possible that she is a lesbian?

Okay, first things first. A lesbian wouldn’t want to kiss a boy, right? She would want to kiss a girl. So, just thinking about kissing a boy should bring clarity, right? But which boy? Sirius? Yes, maybe. She forces that image into her mind and finds that she can’t even bring her brain to make up that scenario. In her head, they just stand in front of each other, and Marlene tries; she really tries, but nothing happens. The version of herself in her mind doesn’t move an inch and doesn’t close the space between them. She doesn’t want to kiss him, not even if it’s just in her imagination.

All well and good, but what about girls? What girl would she even kiss? The beautiful girl, her brain supplies immediately. Marlene is a bit irritated that her brain would be so eager about this, but she has to be honest with herself for a moment here. So she conjures up an image of her in her mind. It’s like she sits right in front of her, and god, wouldn’t that be amazing if she was sitting right in front of her right now? No, she has to focus right now. She can see the girl‘s lips in front of her inner eye. Those lips produce the most beautiful smile in the world, and Marlene smiles at the memory of it. She can see her face in detail, but her lips are what Marlene has to focus on right now. They are plump, and they look so soft that Marlene wants to-

She wants to kiss those lips. Kiss her.

Oh.

Oh.

She stares into space for a few moments, letting the realisation sink in. She is a lesbian. She is a girl who likes girls.

On a closer look, she should’ve noticed that way earlier. All the quizzes she took, all the research she has done about sexuality in general, the way she never cared about what boys thought of her, and the way she was always jealous of all the men on TV because they got to kiss all the pretty women. The way she got nervous in front of her mum when she brought up lesbianism in general. She was always careful not to stare at any girl because she thought it might make them feel uncomfortable if she did, but she never had interest in staring at a boy and wouldn’t have thought that maybe they could feel uncomfortable under her gaze. It should have been clear, but hey, she knows it now. Better late than never.

Now, there is another important thing. If she is a lesbian, does she have a crush on the beautiful girl? Maybe. She doesn’t only want to know her name; no, Marlene wants to know everything about her. Wants to know what kind of sweets she prefers so she can give them to her. She also wants to know if there are any other topics that make her eyes shine when she talks about them, just like they did at the book club. Wants to know if her hugs feel just as hearty as Mary’s do and if she smells as sweetly as she looks.

The phone on her nightstand chimes, and Marlene goes to pick it up immediately to see who it is. She finds herself smiling in excitement when she sees the message.

Lily: hi, Marlene!!
Lily: *two pictures attached*
Lily: I’m looking forward to seeing what you think about it :)

Marlene: thank you!!

The pictures are of the book, and Marlene definitely has to remember going to the bookstore the next day after school. She wouldn’t have thought it, but she is really excited for the next meeting. She can’t wait until next week. And she finds that it’s not only because of the beautiful girl, and Lily and Mary, but she‘s also looking forward to reading that book and really understanding what the beautiful girl says. To know that the things she says are bloody smart, and not just assume it.

She briefly considers asking Lily for the name of the mysterious girl, and she is sure that Lily would tell her—given, of course, that she knows it at all—but she can’t bring herself to type those words and send them. Would Lily know that she is a lesbian? No, surely not, right? There are plenty of heterosexual reasons to want to know someone else’s name. Marlene can’t come up with one right now, but there have to be some. And on second thought, would it be so bad if Lily knew about her? She doesn’t really know her yet—and it feels exciting to say yet, because she wants to get to know her and Mary better, but she doesn’t seem like the kind of person who would have a problem with her being a lesbian. But you never know.

Another thought crosses her mind. Mary and Lily are both very beautiful girls, but when she thinks about them, she wants to be friends with them. With beautiful girl, it is a little different. Does that mean she has a crush on her? She knows what it feels like to crave friendship, and that’s what she feels towards Mary and Lily, but when it comes to the beautiful girl, she wants to be closer than friends. She wants to be the person who that smile is aimed at every day, in private and in public, and she would like to return it with a bright smile that Marlene knows she can muster if that girl smiles at her again.

At dinner, she tells her parents everything about the book club and about the two girls she met, but she leaves the beautiful girl out of her description. Marlene wants to keep her to herself for a little longer. That way, she doesn’t have to deal with other people’s opinions and can focus on finding out what she wants and what to do about it. She would like to see her again. Soon. The book club meeting the following week suddenly seems ages away, but Marlene supposes that at least she has a prospect of seeing her again, and that’s good, right? From the way she talked about the book, it was obvious that it was not the first time she had done something like that, and now that Marlene is there to admire her, it just can’t have been the last time. She refuses to believe that.

So when she goes to bed that night, her brain is buzzing with all sorts of new insights about herself, and that’s exciting. Getting to know yourself better is exciting. It’s that one little part she always knew was different from most people she knew, and now she knows what it is and can put a name on it. She‘s simply not attracted to boys. She‘s a lesbian. It’s freeing to think that. Now at least she doesn’t have to make herself believe that there is anything she finds attractive about Sirius Black, except maybe his leather jacket. Though she feels like she would prefer it if the beautiful girl was wearing it instead of Sirius.

Chapter Text

The next day at school is pure torture. Hell. Wherever she goes, she scans every girl‘s face, but the beautiful girl is nowhere to be found. The conversations of the people around her seem less interesting than ever, and she spends her time thinking about what she could say if she met the beautiful girl.

Towards the end of the day, when Marlene strolls around alone on her way to return a book to the library, she spots Mary and Lily in a corridor. They are huddled together, laughing about something, and Marlene finds herself envying the way they interact with each other, though she can’t really pinpoint what it is exactly.

When Lily lifts her gaze, she catches Marlene staring at them, but she just smiles and waves her over. Without hesitation, she changes directions and walks over to them.

"Hi there!" Mary greets, and this time, Marlene doesn’t hesitate; she returns the hug she gets from the other girl with equal enthusiasm, then also goes to hug Lily.

"Are you going to the library?" Lily asks with a glance at the book in Marlene’s hand. She nods, and Lily starts walking, heading towards the library immediately. Not even hesitating.

Mary rolls her eyes and exchanges a glance with Marlene before they both follow her. "Don’t ever mention the library around her. She‘ll use any excuse to go there, and when you‘re not careful, she‘ll stay there, and we’ll lose her forever."

Lily turns around to glare at her, but she doesn’t seem to mind. She clearly has made up her mind, and Marlene gets the feeling that it’s hard to argue with Lily once she puts her mind to something.

Turns out that Mary was right. Marlene returns her book, and when she turns around, Lily is nowhere to be seen. With a sigh, Mary gestures for Marlene to follow her, and she does. They navigate through the narrow paths between the shelves until they finally find Lily, her nose buried in a book.

Mary hugs Lily from behind, then uses the opportunity to carefully tug the book away from her hands. And what happens then does a lot to Marlene’s brain. Mary leans closer and presses a small kiss on Lily‘s cheek, but it’s dangerously close to the corner of her mouth, and the smile they give each other afterwords is way too fond for it to be just platonic.

Are they dating? Do they share the experience of having to figure out who you are all by yourself because you feel like nobody else understands or feels the same way? Is Marlene maybe not alone on this? Are there people who are just like her right in front of her?

There are so many questions, but she doesn’t dare voice them out loud. So all she does is smile at the girls when they turn their attention towards her.

"I once took her to a bookstore." Mary turns to Marlene while she speaks and gently pulls Lily towards the exit. "Worst decision. She said she needed one book, and we left there about four hours later with seven books."

"I told you what was going to happen," Lily defends herself, and the look she gets from Mary is equally stern and soft. Her eyes seem to smile at her, and the image is just so beautiful; Marlene wants to have that too. Wants a girl to look at her that way.

Shortly after that, Marlene says goodbye to them, leaves them to their affectionate bickering, and heads for the bus. The image of Mary kissing Lily’s cheek is still fresh in her mind, and she senses a feeling of buzzing excitement when she thinks about the fact that she might be able to talk about her experiences, her struggles, and all the new things she found out about herself with them. She is surprised to realise that she wants to share this part of herself with Lily and Mary. While the thought of telling the girls she used to hang out with causes her stomach to twist around and almost make her vomit, thinking about speaking to Mary and Lily about this actually fills her with anticipation.

At home, she has a quick lunch with her mother—frustrating her by answering every single question she asks with 'fine'—then immediately sets off to go to the bookstore. She is determined to start reading as soon as possible, so she might be able to contribute something at the next meeting. Or at least be able to form her own opinions about what the other attendees say.

The bus ride is calm, and she puts her earphones in while she stares out of the window. She is lost in her thoughts and almost misses her stop, but at the last moment, she realises that she has to get off the bus and rushes towards the door. From there on, it’s only a few minutes to walk, so she takes her time and looks at the displays in the shop windows she walks past. She has time, and she doesn’t feel like getting home and having no excuse not to do her homework, so she doesn’t rush.

Eventually, she reaches the bookstore and decides to try to find the book on her own. The store isn’t huge, but she doesn’t even know where to start looking. Along the way, she picks up a book every now and then, reads through the summery at the back, then puts them back down. She understands why Lily likes to spend hours here. It’s peaceful and quiet, and there are plenty of opportunities to get lost in a different world.

In the end, she decides to ask someone for help after all. There is just no point in trying on her own any longer. Marlene feels like she has seen every single book in there twice already, but not the one she is looking for. She heads towards the counter, but there is nobody there, so she decides to just wait for a moment. And she doesn’t have to wait for too long, because half a minute later, the door to the side opens and someone exits.

"Hi, what can I do for you?" The girl asks, and that can’t be a coincidence. The universe must be very busy right now, throwing her into these situations, because in front of her, there is none other than the beautiful girl.

It takes her embarrassingly long to register the question and form an answer, but eventually she manages to croak, "I‘m looking for 'the well of loneliness'."

"Oh, right," she replies and walks around the corner. "You were at the book club meeting on Tuesday, right?"

Marlene nods, trying very hard not to freak out about the fact that this girl remembers her, then follows close behind her while she leads the way through the store. They end up in a secluded corner, and Marlene is sure that she searched there but didn’t find anything.

"You plan on coming regularly? To the book club, I mean?" The beautiful girl smiles at her and hands her the book. It didn’t even take her two seconds to find it, and Marlene feels a little stupid for having walked past it twice, probably without noticing it.

"Yes," Marlene replies. She inspects the book for a moment, because he doesn’t know what else to do with her hands when that girl smiles at her the way she does. It’s almost blinding, but Marlene never wants her to stop. "How long have you been going there?" Marlene asks finally, because the other girl doesn’t seem about to go. She seems to expect Marlene to say something.

"Oh, a couple of weeks. I love reading, and I think Alice does a great job organising everything."

Marlene nods in agreement, but the girl keeps smiling at her, and she doesn’t know what to do with herself. She hopes her hair isn’t too messy, hopes she doesn’t look weird. Is that why other girls focus so much on their appearance and whether boys like it or not? Because if this girl found the way Marlene dresses ridiculous, she would very much like the ground to swallow her.

"I‘m Dorcas, by the way," the beautiful girl—Dorcas says, and it just fits. A beautiful name she never heard before for a girl whose beauty is still so striking to Marlene.

"Marlene," she quickly introduces herself, before the silence can stretch between them.

"Nice to meet you, Marlene," Dorcas says, and she likes how her own name sounds from Dorcas‘ mouth. She also loves the sound of Dorcas‘ name in her mind.

"You too, Dorcas," she says, and yes, saying that name feels beautiful. She never wants to stop doing it. Wants to shout her name until her throat is raw and unable to form words.

She decides against doing that right now, so she just smiles and fiddles with the book in her hand. She doesn’t know what to do, but apparently, Dorcas does. She escorts her to the cash register and rings her up, then says, "If you‘re interested in books like that, just let me know. I got tons of recommendations, so just let me know."

"Yes, thank you so much. I might do that," Marlene says, and leaves the bookstore with wobbly knees. It was just a normal interaction between a customer and an employee, but it felt like so much more. Marlene feels like she just ran a marathon with her heart beating like that.

The whole way home, she can’t think of anything but the beautiful girl‘s smile. Dorcas‘ smile. Marlene knows her name, and she sits there in the bus, smiling like an idiot, because the girl finally has a name. A beautiful one, too.

Once at home, she rushes into her room and collapses on her bed. She takes the book out of the bag, then groans when the receipt falls down, so she has to get up and get it.

Except it can’t be the receipt, because that is in the book, peaking out at the top. Marlene rolls off her bed and gets the little note. Her mouth falls open and her eyes widen when she sees what is written on the little piece of paper. She squeals, falling down on her bed, then kicks her feet and giggles like crazy. On the note, there is a phone number with Dorcas‘ name and the words 'call me xx' written underneath it.

Marlene decides to act on it immediately before the rush of adrenaline that surges through her body dies down and takes all her courage with it. So she saves Dorcas in her contacts and immediately starts typing a message.

Marlene: hey, it’s marlene

While she thinks about what she could say now, her phone already chimes with a new message from Dorcas.

Dorcas: hi!!

Marlene’s heart starts beating faster. Maybe it is just a coincidence that Dorcas replied immediately, but maybe she was waiting for Marlene to text her? The mere thought almost makes her giggle and kick her feet again. Is it possible that Dorcas might like her? In whatever way. She did recognise her in the bookstore, which means she left an impression at the book club meeting. That’s something, isn’t it?

Marlene might just be the happiest girl in the whole universe at that moment. She stares at Dorcas' name at the top of the screen, then flicks her gaze down to the message. This is actually happening to her, and Marlene has a little trouble realising that. Dorcas just gave her number to Marlene, and now they‘re texting. They‘re in contact. Which means Marlene has the opportunity to get to know her better, and she can assume that Dorcas is interested in getting to know her as well. She is positively surprised at the recent turnings, the recent events that shook her world, because that’s just amazing, isn’t it? She‘s getting to know herself better, and she has the chance to see where the situation with Dorcas might lead. If that isn’t fate, then Marlene doesn’t know what is. She just has this feeling in her guts that this was meant to happen. The thought is as comforting as it is exciting.

Chapter Text

Marlene exchanged a few more messages with Dorcas that evening, which means when her alarm clock goes off the next morning, Marlene is significantly less moody.

The lessons fly by, and she manages to see Dorcas twice in the corridors in between periods. One time, she just saw Dorcas go into a classroom, but the second time, she passed her in the hallway, and Dorcas saw her too. Dorcas smiles at her and nodded her head as if to say 'hi', which almost made Marlene trip over her own feet.

She usually spends her free periods with Olivia, Rachel, Madison, and whatever girl decides she wants to join them, but this day, Marlene excuses herself and claims the spot under the huge tree behind the school for herself. She has her copy of 'the well of loneliness' with her, and due to Dorcas texting her the evening before, she didn’t get any reading done. She was way too busy.

Now she has time, though, so she opens the book and leans against the tree.

She almost gets to page twenty, but before she does, she is interrupted by a familiar voice calling, "Hiya, Marlene!"

Marlene looks up and sees both Mary and Lily strolling over to where she sits, and despite being interrupted in her alone time—which she usually hates—she is happy about the company.

"You found our favourite spot," Lily says, and immediately Marlene feels bad. As if she has taken something from them, but the two girls just sit down in the shadow with her.

"Yeah, there is no better place to snog," Mary adds, and Marlene feels both of the girls' gazes on her. Almost like they closely observe her reaction, testing the waters. Marlene assumes that they are trying to find out if it’s safe to be open about their feelings for each other around her. And god, she wants them to be comfortable doing just that, and she wants to feel just as comfortable sharing those things about herself. So she smiles and says, "You come here often?"

"Every now and then," Lily explains, and she apparently decides that Marlene is safe to be around because she places a kiss right on Mary‘s lips. All three girls share a smile after that, and Marlene can’t pinpoint exactly what it is, but without having to say anything, she feels like those two girls know her better than anyone else in this school.

With a smile, Lily points to the book that lies forgotten in Marlene’s lap and says, "You bought the book." She seems excited, knowing that Marlene bought it and is currently reading it, and it’s really cute. Marlene understands what Mary sees in her. "Were you in the bookstore in Diagon Alley? Because that store‘s beautiful, but when I was looking for my copy, it took me ages until I found it."

"Yes, I looked through the whole store twice, and in the end I had to ask for help," Marlene explains, and she never really felt like the girls she used to hang out with were particularly interested in what she had to say, but Mary and Lily listen to every word and nod along. It feels good.

As soon as she stops speaking, a smirk appears on Mary‘s lips. "What?" Lily asks and voices Marlene’s exact thoughts.

"Dorcas helped you find it, didn’t she?" The smirk is still on her face, but now it looks like there is something she knows—a delicate piece of information that only she has. And she probably does.

"Yes, why?" Marlene asks. "Did you speak with her?" She hopes she doesn’t sound too eager or too curious, but she has the feeling that she fails.

"I did," Mary says, and before she continues, her smirk gets less smug and a little softer. "And I also noticed that you stared at her at the book club. And I can’t blame you; she‘s gorgeous."

Now that Lily has caught up, her eyes widen in excitement. "Oh, do you like her?" She asks, and she seems genuinely interested.

And what is Marlene supposed to say to that? She could just deny everything, and she is sure that Lily wouldn’t pry, but is that what she wants? By admitting to liking Dorcas, she would also out herself as a lesbian, or at least as a girl who likes other girls. It seems scary, but is there going to be a better opportunity? Lily and Mary aren’t going to judge her for being a lesbian, and quite frankly, she likes Dorcas. Very much so, and maybe some advice would come in handy.

"She is gorgeous," Marlene says, and she allows the big smile that tries to creep onto her lips to take over. Lily squeals excitedly, and Mary nods knowingly, a bright smile on her face.

Marlene is sure that her cheeks must be burning red because they feel hot, but she can’t stop smiling. Now, there are people who know the truth about her, and it feels so bloody good.

"Oh, you need to get her number-" Mary starts, but Marlene interrupts her. "I already have her number," she tells them, smiling like an idiot.

"Oh my god, you just asked her?" Lily asks, seemingly impressed. She exchanges a quick glance with Mary, then Marlene says, "No, it happened when I bought the book yesterday. I got home, and I found a little note from her in the bag."

Again, Lily and Mary glance at each other, then Lily squeaks, "That’s so cute!"

She wraps Marlene in a hug, and soon she is crushed by both girls in an embrace that feels so hearty that Marlene almost starts crying.

Still wrapped in the embrace, Mary exclaims, "Then we can go on double dates! It’s going to be awesome!"

But now Marlene has to interject for a moment. As much as she would love to go on a double date or go on a date with Dorcas in general, she can’t get her hopes up. The text messages already made her way too euphoric, and she just can’t afford to hope only to be disappointed in the end. "Wait, I don’t even know if Dorcas likes me back." After a short while, she adds, "Or if she likes girls."

The embrace ends, and both girls pull back, but Mary is still close, and she cups Marlene’s face and says, "When I saw her today, she asked me all sorts of questions about you because she saw you talking to me a few times. And I don’t know her that well. We don’t usually talk much. She actively sought me out just to find out more about you."

Marlene lets that sink in for a moment. That definitely sounds like Dorcas is interested in her. She forces the part of her brain that is specialised in overthinking to find any other interpretations of Dorcas‘ actions, but she can find none. Especially not in combination with the fact that she gave Marlene her phone number.

"You think she likes me?" Marlene whispers, and she doesn’t mind that her voice is laced with worry, totally giving away how important this is to her and how much it would mean to her if Dorcas liked her back.

Leaning a bit closer, Mary says, "She wants to get to know you. She‘s interested in you." Her voice is soft, but she sounds so sure that Marlene lets herself believe her for a moment. Wouldn’t that just be amazing? Also, Marlene is incredibly happy about the fact that Mary suggested they go on a double date, because that can only mean she wants Marlene to be around more often and wants to be friends with her. All those new perspectives make Marlene‘s cheek hurt from smiling, but she can’t bring herself to stop.

"What do you think I should do?" Marlene asks when everything starts settling in. "I‘ve never liked anyone before. Not in that way. I don’t know what to do." She looks at the two girls, hoping they can help her. Hoping they have some advice.

"Well, you already texted her, and that’s good," Lily start. "Just show her that you‘re interested in getting to know her. She already made the first move by giving you her number, so all you have to do is show her what you want."

Mary nods eagerly. "That’s right. You‘re already talking, so that’s good for you. You can ask her if she wants to meet with you some time. You don’t have to explicitly ask her out on a date if you are afraid to do so—though I think she would be delighted if you did. You can just ask her to hang out, then show her you want to be more than just friends when you see her."

Marlene nods and mentally takes notes on everything they say. "Okay, but how do I do that? How do I signal to her that I don’t want to be just friends?"

"Well, there’s a few things you can do," Mary starts, and Marlene straightens up a bit, closely paying attention to everything she is about to hear. "You can compliment her, of course, but it’s important how you do this. Okay, tell me if you notice the difference," she continues, and clears her throat before she cocks her head and smiles. "Your eyes are pretty," she says. Then, she moves a little, and the next moment, she looks Marlene straight in the eyes, her head held a tiny bit low as she looks up through her lashes, and somehow it feels very intense. "You have beautiful eyes," she says, then breaks eye contact for a moment, only to look right back at her the next moment. "Now tell me which one was just a compliment and which one was flirting."

Marlene blinks, trying hard to remember everything Mary just did. "The second one was the flirting," she says after a moment, because apparently the question wasn’t rhetorical and Mary wants an answer.

She nods, and after that, Lily starts speaking. "Some light touching can also be helpful. You can maybe try fixing her hair or her clothes, or you can let your hand graze hers when you walk next to each other."

"Oh, and when she hugs you to greet her, you can try and make it last just a moment longer than you would hug a friend," Mary adds.

Marlene nods again, slightly overwhelmed with all the new information, but she is thankful for it. She still doesn’t know what she is going to do exactly, but at least she doesn’t feel Tarly clueless anymore.

"Juts do what feels right at the moment, and when it feels right, you could just try being brave and talk to her. I know that’s scary, but it makes everything else afterwards much easier." Lily must have seen the scared look on Marlene’s face, because quickly, she adds, "But I guess most people don’t want to put themselves out there like that, and that’s okay. Mary and I certainly weren’t this straightforward."

"No?" Marlene asks, and she is definitely keen on hearing how they figured out they liked each other.

"No," Mary confirms. "It took us ages. We have been friends forever, so it was a bit more difficult because we were always sort of affectionate with each other, but one day, I got really, really drunk and confessed my feelings to her. I didn’t really think about it then, and I never would’ve dared to do that sober, but when I woke up the next day, Lily was there, and she confronted me about everything. We talked for hours, realised we were on the same page, then snogged for hours after that." It’s a very quick summary of what must’ve been very emotional moments, but from the way Mary and Lily smile at each other, Marlene can tell that it must’ve been worth it. She is incredibly happy for them.

She lets them have their moment, but eventually Mary turns her attention back to her and says, "You should have our phone numbers, just in case you need anything else or want to know anything. And I want to stay informed about everything that happens, because I am insisting on that double date." While she says that, she rips a piece of paper out of one of her school books, then scribbles her number onto it. "I‘ll write Lily‘s number down too," she says, but Lily shakes her head. "She already has my number."

Dramatically, Mary lets her pen drop down. "You have her number, and I don’t? Why didn’t you tell me?" She clutched her chest as if she was shot and slowly lets herself sink to the ground.

Lily chuckles at the dramatic performance, then pokes into her side, which causes Mary to sit up and giggle. "Oh, come on," is all Lily says.

"Anyway," Mary says and straightens up again. "Here‘s my number." And she hands the piece of paper over to Marlene.

Soon they have to make their way back to the school building, and the day continues to fly by. Now, there is not only Dorcas that keeps a smile fixed on Marlene‘s face, no, the fact that Lily and Mary now know about her and are willing to help, are interested in her life is a thrilling thing for her to think about. Safe to say she doesn’t really focus on anything the teachers say.

Chapter Text

After the chat with Mary and Lily, Marlene has a plan. It’s simple, really.

Step one: go to the bookstore again. (And hope that Dorcas is working.)

Step two: talk to her. Talk about anything that comes to mind.

Step three: ask her to do something together, like drinking a coffee or something. It doesn’t have to be spectacular, and Marlene is sure that she is not brave enough to plainly suggest a date, but she might be able to ask her to hang out, and that is enough.

Step four: afterwards, ask her to meet again soon.

Step five: live happily ever after.

It’s a simple enough plan, but on her way to the bookstore, Marlene is terribly nervous. She isn’t sure if telling Mary and Lily about her plan was a good idea or a bad one. On one hand, they keep sending her motivational text messages, and they definitely keep her from just turning around and going back home, but on the other hand, if things don’t go as planned, she has to tell them, and Marlene isn’t keen on sharing that. It would be the first time she gets rejected, ever—which is mainly because she has never put herself out there before and has never been in a position where she could have been rejected—and she doesn’t know what to expect.

Still, her feet carry her to the bookstore, and she walks in. As to not arise any suspicions, she pretends to be interested in some books along the way to the counter, so she picks one up every now and then, but she is way too nervous to register any book she has in her hand. Her eyes are fixed on the counter, but Dorcas isn’t there. In fact, nobody is there, so Marlene decides to go look through the whole store. Very few people are there. There is an old woman sitting in one of the chairs that are scattered around for people to sit down and browse through the books, and there are two women with a child in the kids section, but apart from that, it’s empty. No employee at all.

But Marlene isn’t ready to give up yet, so she keeps walking through the corridors, begging the universe to work its magic and help her. It doesn’t look good, so when Marlene searched in every corner, she decides to slowly make her way back.

Just as she is about to turn around, a door opens right next to her, and she hadn’t even noticed that there was a door in the first place, which is why she gasps in shock.

"Oh, sorry, I- Marlene?"

Marlene has to blink a few times in order to make sure that she isn’t hallucinating and that Dorcas is really standing in front of her, smiling the way she always does.

Eventually, she realises that she is supposed to speak, so she says, "Oh, hi." She curses herself for that lame greeting, but Dorcas‘ smile is aimed at her and therefore, it’s understandable that she can’t form a coherent thought at the moment.

"I‘m sorry," Dorcas repeats, still smiling brightly. "I gotta remember not to open the door this aggressively. It’s not the first time I almost hit a costumer with it."

She chuckles, so Marlene does the same. "I didn’t even realise that there is a door," she says, and hopes that she doesn’t come across as stupid. That’s the last thing Marlene wants the other girl to think about her.

"Yes, it’s pretty well hidden," Dorcas agrees. There are no signs of her finding Marlene stupid.

Marlene tries not to stare too obviously at the other girl, but it’s very hard. She wears a light, airy blouse that looks so soft—Marlene bets it feels amazing—and the necklaces that hang around her neck have a hypnotising effect on Marlene. Before it gets creepy, she tears her eyes away and looks down on the floor instead.

"So, can I help you with anything?" Dorcas asks.

Marlene’s heart starts beating faster, and she isn’t sure what she is supposed to say. Ask for help in order to talk to her a little longer, then ask her if she wants to hang out with her? Ask her right now? Whatever she decides, she has to say something.

"I- well, I was wondering if maybe- I don’t know. Would you maybe like to have a coffee? With me, I mean," Marlene stammers, and she curses herself for it.

She can’t look at Dorcas directly because she can’t look her in the eyes when she is rejected. But that means that the short silence that follows feels very heavy because she can’t interpret the expression on her face. The silence has been going on for too long now, and out of reflex, Marlene looks up, only to find Dorcas smiling at her. It’s not as bright as it usually is; it’s a lot softer, and Marlene doesn’t know if that is a bad sign or a good one.

But then Dorcas nods and says, "I’d love to."

Marlene has to use all her willpower not to spontaneously start dancing and squealing, and she succeeds. She just smiles, and she is sure that her cheeks are as red as a tomato, but none of that matters, because Dorcas said yes.

"When?" Marlene asks, then realises that she might have sounded too eager, so she quickly adds, "I mean, when are you free?"

"I‘ll be off in fifteen minutes. There is this really nice little café around the corner. If you don’t mind waiting those fifteen minutes, then I’d like to invite you." The way Dorcas says this with her calm voice sends shivers down Marlene’s spine. She would like to listen to her for hours, and she is sure she won’t ever get tired of it.

"Yes, that sounds amazing. Just 'round the corner, you say?"

"Yes. If you leave the store, just turn to the right, and you should already see it. I forgot the name, but it’s the one with the coloured chairs in front of it," Dorcas replies, gesturing the directions while she speaks, which is honestly kind of distracting, but Marlene is confident that she will find it anyway.

"Okay, great!" She exclaims. "So, I’ll wait for you there?"

"If you don’t mind, of course," Dorcas says, and as embarrassing as it sounds, Marlene would do whatever that beautiful girl wants her to do, if that means she gets a chance to get to know her.

"No, it sounds great. So, see you in a bit," she says, and she doesn’t know how to say goodbye properly. Because Mary and Lily would hug her, but she fears Dorcas might find that weird, so she doesn’t hug her and just awkwardly waves at her.

Dorcas waves back, but somehow it doesn’t look so awkward when she does it, which is just unfair. Also, the smile on her face almost makes Marlene walk straight (or actually really gay) into a shelf full of books, but in the last second, she notices and manages to avoid the collision. She is still embarrassed and doesn’t turn back around, hoping that Dorcas didn’t see it.

Once she exits the store, she sends a text message to Lily and Mary, and only two seconds later, her phone rings.

When she takes the call, Mary immediately shouts into her ear. "Marls, oh my fucking god! You did it! You asked her! And she said yes!"

"She did," Marlene squeaks. She still can’t believe that it really happened.

"Well done," Lily’s voice sounds from a bit further away. Apparently, she is on speaker, which makes Marlene smile. That’s what you do when you‘re friends, right?

"Tell us everything," Mary orders. "I want details."

Marlene takes a deep breath before everything just bubbles out of her. "Okay, so I literally ran into her, because she came out of a door, but it was sort of hidden, so I was like totally shocked that there was a person, and then it was her." Mary gasps, giving her story just the right amount of dramatic undertone. "And then she asked me if she could help me, and then I just asked. I asked her if she‘d like to go get a coffee some time, and she said, I‘d love to." Now, both Mary and Lily squeak. "So now I’m on my way to the café she suggested we go to—it’s not far from the bookstore—and she’ll meet me there when she‘s off. Which is in, like, fifteen minutes."

"My god, that’s awesome," Mary shouts, and Marlene is endlessly grateful to have the support of these two girls.

Which is why she decides to tell them, because they need to know, right? "By the way, thanks for your massages earlier. I was so fucking scared to go and talk to her."

"Yes, of course," Lily says, and Marlene can practically see the smile on her face from the way she speaks. "That’s what friends do, right?"

Friends. There it is—the confirmation Marlene needed. They are friends. She has two new friends who share things with her, support her, give her advice, and listen to her when she needs someone to talk to. If everything with Dorcas goes well, this could easily be the best day of her entire life.

"Yeah," is all Marlene can say, but she is sure that her smile is audible in her voice. Her cheeks are red, and that whole day is just amazing. She has two friends and is on a date with the most beautiful girl in the world. If one had told that to Marlene only a few days ago, she wouldn’t have believed that. She probably would’ve told that person that they are crazy right off the bat, but here she is now, and she couldn’t be happier. It’s very hard for her not to jump around and dance like crazy, so she sits down on one of the cute tables that are in front of the café that Dorcas must have meant.

"I‘m honestly so proud of you," Lily tells her, and Marlene could explode from all the happy, bubbly things she feels inside. It’s bound to explode in some way, so she squeals and wiggles in her chair. "That’s such a brave thing to do!"

"Thank you," Marlene says, and she hadn’t thought about it that way before. When she walked into the store with wobbly knees and a knot in her stomach, 'brave' wasn’t a word that came to her mind. Words like 'scared' or 'anxious' were more like it, but if she thinks about it, it was a rather brave thing to do. If anyone else had done that, she would’ve thought of it as brave right away as well. It feels good to let that thought fully sink in. She has never before considered herself a brave person, but maybe she is. Maybe she has always been brave but never gave herself credit for it.

All those things she learns about herself are so exciting, and to realise that they have always been there, hidden under what Marlene thought other people might want to see. It feels like meeting a totally different person, and she loves that girl who is finally beginning to embrace herself.

"Yeah, I bet you two will be dating by the end of the week," Mary says, and Lily‘s laugh sounds the phone, soft and happy.

Marlene sighs happily and crosses her legs. "Well, maybe we should not aim too high, but I promise I’ll try my very best."

"I wanted to hear nothing less, babes," Mary chants.

Before Marlene can answer, her gaze falls upon the most beautiful girl in the universe making her way to where Marlene sits, so she quickly says, "Oh god, Dorca‘s coming. I‘ve got to go. Wish me luck!"

She hears her friends—how exciting to even think that—shouting a few motivational words and giggles before she hangs up and tries to fix her clothes and her posture.

"Hi," Dorcas greets her, and Marlene doesn’t think about what she is doing when she stands up and hugs the other girl. For a moment, she fears that it might have been too much, but then Dorcas wraps her arms around her, squeezes her once, and wipes all of Marlene’s worries away.

They break apart, and Marlene can't help but smile. Dorcas smiles back warmly, her eyes locked on Marlene's. "Hi," she replies, her voice carrying a hint of nervousness, though she has never felt this good in her life.

Marlene can feel her heart racing, but she forces herself to keep her composure.

"I‘m glad you waited," Dorcas says and takes a seat, so Marlene does the same. They sit across from each other, which means she has Dorcas' undivided attention and her gaze piercing through her. Marlene's heart flutters at the admission. It feels so new and thrilling.

"This place is really nice," she comments, taking a moment to look around the café that Dorcas chose. She didn’t really have time before, because telling everything that happened to Mary and Lily was way too exciting. Now, she looks around the colourful place, and it looks so cozy. Marlene can imagine Dorcas sitting here with a book and a coffee, making every poor stranger who walks by fall in love with her immediately.

Dorcas nods in agreement. "Yeah, I thought you might like it. I mean, it's cozy, and the coffee's good."

Their conversation flows easily from there, as if they've known each other for years instead of just days. They talk about school, their favorite books, and Marlene is impressed by how many books Dorcas has read and how passionately she tells her about the backgrounds, the stories, and the characters. Marlene finds herself hanging on to every word Dorcas says, captivated by the way her eyes light up when she's passionate about something. It’s absolutely gorgeous to look at. Every word she says seems to come right from Dorcas' heart, and Marlene doesn’t think she has ever talked to someone this sincere.

As the afternoon sun beams down on them, Marlene realizes that this date is even better than she could have imagined. And with every smile, every shared laugh, she becomes more certain that there's something special between them, something worth holding on to.

When they stand up and make their way to the bus stop, Marlene‘s head is still dizzy. Every moment felt so right, and she has to admit that she is really sad that it comes to an end. She knows that they had to say goodbye at one point, but why so soon? Dorcas doesn’t rush to the bus stop either; they stroll towards their destination, glad for every window display they can look at in order to push back the moment when they have to say goodbye.

"Do you like baking?" Dorcas asks, that gorgeous smile on her face. It hasn’t left her lips for the whole time, and Marlene thinks she could definitely get used to being blinded by that sight for the rest of her days.

"I love baking," Marlene replies, hoping her smile shows the other girl just how much she enjoys spending time with her.

For a moment, Dorcas seems to debate about whether or not to say what she is about to say, but fortunately, she decides to speak. "My sister’s birthday is tomorrow, and I promised her that I would make her a cake. Would you maybe like to help me?"

Dorcas probably could’ve suggested that they stare at a painting and watch the wet paint dry, and Marlene would’ve said yes.

"Yes, that sounds fun!" Marlene exclaims, so fucking glad that their date doesn’t seem to be over yet.

They pick up the pace and make their way to the bus stop, talking about the different cakes they like and how Dorcas' sister apparently insists on Dorcas making the cake because hers are the best.

When Marlene steps foot into the flat where Dorcas' lives in, she is met with a scent that is so Dorcas. She can’t really describe it, but it smells like cinnamon, vanilla, and orange, and then something that‘s just Dorcas.

The flat is small but cozy. There are piles and shelves with books wherever Marlene looks, and on the couch there are a bunch of pillows and blankets that look so soft, Marlene wants to sink into them and never leave.

They seem to be alone, which is quite convenient for Marlene because it means their date can go on without interruptions.

Dorcas leads the way to the kitchen, which is just as cozy as the other parts of the flat she saw.

They start working, and Dorcas gives Marlene instructions that she follows enthusiastically. She said that she loved baking, and that wasn’t a lie, but just because she loves it doesn’t mean she’s very good at it. Dorcas doesn’t seem to mind, though. She smiles, even after the third time Marlene asks if she is whisking the dough right.

The kitchen is not very big, which gives Marlene the perfect excuse to brush against Dorcas' arm or put her hand on her back when she is signalling that she wants to walk past her. It’s very convenient, and Dorcas doesn’t shy away from accidentally touching her either.

When the cake is in the oven, Marlene is quite proud of their work.

"You could do that professionally," Marlene tells the other girl, and she is delighted to see Dorcas' avert her head a little, with a shy smile on her face.

"Thanks," she says. "You were pretty good too."

Marlene looks down onto her thighs, where she accidentally dropped a bit of flour on her pants, and she is sure that there is some dough in her face from when she whisked a little too enthusiastically. Still, she smiles and decides that she will just take the compliment and be happy that Dorcas doesn’t seem to find her embarrassing. "Well, I did my best," she chuckles.

By now it’s evening, and the sun starts setting. Marlene knows that she has to go home soon, or else her mother would be worried, but she smiles at the little proof of the time passing because she basically spent the whole day laughing and getting to know Dorcas.

She knew that she liked Dorcas, but now she knows that she likes Dorcas very, very much, and she could give you a long list of all the things she likes about her. And she is determined to find new things that belong on that list, because she feels like there are a lot of them that Marlene doesn’t even know about yet.

"I think I should go home soon," Marlene says when they clear up their mess—or Marlene’s mess—even though there is nothing she would rather do than stay there forever, getting to know every little detail about the beautiful girl.

"Okay," Dorcas nods and leads the way to the door.

Marlene puts on her coat and her boots, but she doesn’t open the door. She’s not ready to go yet.

And apparently, neither is Dorcas. "Thanks for asking me out today," she says with the biggest smile, and Marlen returns it, beaming at her like she just swallowed the sun. That’s the verbal confirmation she needed in order to know that Dorcas didn’t see this day as two girls just casually hanging out. No, this was a date, and it has been said out loud.

"Thanks for saying yes," Marlene replies, because it’s definitely the best thing that ever happened to her.

Dorcas reaches out to her and strokes a strand of hair back behind her ear, softly brushing Marlene’s skin with the tip of her fingers, and Marlene swears she is about to faint. Her knees are wobbly, even more so than when she went into the bookstore in order to ask Dorcas out. She feels like if there wasn’t the door behind her for her to lean against, she would actually faint.

But now she knows how Dorcas' fingertips feel against her skin, and she feels like if she‘d die right on the spot, she‘d die happily with the knowledge of that.

"I’d like to do this again some time," Dorcas says, her voice soft and the smile on her face is shy. Marlene can’t decide if she prefers the bright, happy smile or the soft, shy smile, but she does know that she wants to see more of both of those. She also knows that she must be the luckiest girl on earth because Dorcas wants to go on a second date. She wants to do this again, maybe get to know Marlene even better, and that feels like a drug. And now that she got a taste, Marlene doesn’t want to stop, ever.

"I‘d like that too," Marlene says, almost breathless.

She wants to reach out to the other girl, kiss that smile that spreads across her face, but she doesn’t dare to. She doesn’t know if it’s too early, and everything happens so fast that Marlene isn’t sure if Dorcas is ready.

"Okay, then. I‘ll text you, yeah?" Dorcas says and reaches for the door knob.

Marlene nods and turns around, taking a step, but before she properly leaves the flat, she turns around one last time and smiles. She watches Dorcas' lips twitch into a smile, and maybe her gaze lingers a bit too long on the other girl‘s lips, but maybe it’s exactly the right thing to do. Maybe that’s exactly what makes Dorcas reach out to her, cup Marlene’s face with her soft hands, and kiss her.

The kiss makes Marlene’s world explode, even though it only lasts for a few moments. It’s the best moment of her entire life, and she was mistaken before, because now she can die happily, knowing how Dorcas' lips feel on hers.

She leaves the building, smiling brighter than she ever had, and reaches for her phone.

She holds it next to her ear, and as soon as she hears Mary’s and Lily’s voices greeting her, she blurts out, "SHE KISSED ME!"

Chapter Text

The next evening, Marlene feels exceptionally brave—it might have something to do with the kiss, because she is still smiling like an idiot whenever she thinks about it—so she reaches for her phone and opens the conversation with Dorcas.

Marlene: hey Dorcas! Are you free today? My parents are out, and I was thinking, maybe you'd like to come over?

It’s a bold move, Marlene thinks, and as soon as she hits send, she throws her phone onto the couch and stands up to pace the room. She checks every two seconds for a response, but when there is one about five minutes later, her heart stops beating for a moment. It’s a bit ridiculous, because it’s exactly what she wanted, but she still can’t catch her breath or keep her heart from racing.

Dorcas: heyy
Dorcas: Absolutely! I'd love to come over. When should I be there?

Marlene doesn’t want to come across as too eager, so she waits a bit before she replies. She manages to wait for all of thirty seconds, then she just can’t do it anymore, and she starts typing. Patience be damned. And Dorcas needs to know that Marlene is interested, right?

Marlene: Awesome! How about around 6 p.m.? Does that work for you?

Dorcas: Yes, perfect! See you at 6. Anything specific you want to do?

And, well, Marlene didn’t think about that. Which means she has a small panic attack before she improvises.

Marlene: Hmm, not really. We could watch a movie or something. Or cook together?

She figures if Dorcas likes baking, then she might enjoy cooking as well. So that might be a good idea, right? She desperately hopes that Dorcas likes the idea.

Dorcas: Cooking sounds like fun! I'm up for that!

Marlene: Okay, great!

Dorcas: Do you have anything in mind already? Because I might have an idea.

Marlene: No, I don’t have anything in mind. Let’s do what you have in mind!

Dorcas: Great! I'll pick up some ingredients on my way. What's your address?

Marlene sends her the address, then sighs contently and sinks into the soft cushions of the sofa. This worked out well. Dorcas is going to come over! With all her excitement, she texts Lily that Dorcas is going to come over, and a few minutes later, her phone rings, and Lily‘s name appears on the screen.

"Hi," Marlene greets.

There is some rustling on the other end of the line, then Lily says, "Well done, Marls! What are you and Dorcas going to do?"

"We‘re going to cook something together," she replies, and her smile doesn’t seem to disappear any time soon. "And I thought maybe we could watch a movie afterwards. What do you think?"

"That’s an amazing plan, Marls. Oh, this is so exciting! When is she going to be there?" Lily asks, and the excitement is very evident in her voice. It makes Marlene so happy to know that she can share this with Lily. It feels so good.

"She‘ll be here soon."

"And you really asked her out?" Lily asks.

Marlene nods, even though she knows that Lily can’t see her. "Yes. I was so nervous, but my parents are out for the evening, and she kissed me, and we had a really amazing time the other day, so I thought she might enjoy spending some time with me. And I really wanted to spend time with her again, so I thought maybe I should just ask her."

When Lily starts speaking, the smile is audible in her voice, and it makes Marlene smile in return. "That’s so brave, Marls. I‘m really impressed, honestly. It took Mary and me so long to get to where we are now, and sometimes I wish I‘d been just a little bit braver."

They talk a bit more, and when the call ends, Marlene feels a tiny bit less nervous. Lily assured her that it’s going to be alright, and so Marlene bans all negative thoughts from her mind. There isn’t much space for anything but Dorcas inside her brain.

So Marlene uses the time she still has before Dorcas will be there to clean up the kitchen, take a shower and get dressed. While doing that, she connects her phone to her bluetooth speaker and searches through her playlist for one that has mostly upbeat songs. That’s the vibe she needs now. She turns up the volume until the music drains out her thoughts and gets to work.

Every few minutes, she glances at her phone to check the time. She can’t really decide what to feel right now. On one hand, she wants the tile to go by faster, so Dorcas will arrive sooner, but on the other hand, she feels like she needs more time in order to prepare. Prepare for what exactly? She doesn’t really know. The counter has been wiped three times, and she changed her outfit four times already, only to end up with the one she chose in the first place.

In the end, she has to turn the volume of the music down again, because what if Dorcas decides to come twenty minutes early and Marlene doesn’t hear her ring the bell? That would be terrible. But she lets the music play in the background, and she intends to let it play through the evening because uncomfortable silence is less uncomfortable if there is music. Though she doesn’t expect uncomfortable silence with Dorcas. She just feels the need to be prepared for everything.

So for the next twenty minutes, Marlene alternates between sitting on the couch with her leg bouncing nervously and pacing around the room while biting her nails.

Why exactly is she so nervous? She knows that Dorcas likes her. She wouldn’t have invited her for coffee, she wouldn’t have taken her home, and she definitely wouldn’t have kissed her goodbye if she didn’t like Marlene.

But she is nervous nonetheless. She knows distantly that some of the nervousness that is bubbling inside her might be excitement, and she tries to convince herself that all the worrying she is doing right now isn’t necessarily at all.

Marlene watches the little digits on her phone, and then, finally, someone rings the doorbell. Marlene has never sprinted to the door this fast.

Before she opens, she takes a few deep breaths in order to try to calm down.

Dorcas smiles at her, and Marlene melts. She melts instantly. Dorcas is simply the most wonderful woman in the world, so how is Marlene supposed to just be normal about her standing in front of her door.

"Hi," she says, and she lets the other girl come in.

"Hi," Dorcas replies, putting the bags she was carrying on the floor.

And then she hugs Marlene tightly, and right there, Marlene can feel all the nervousness turn into excitement. Just like that. Dorcas hugs her, and that makes Marlene‘s day better than most days.

"I‘m so glad you texted me," Dorcas says as she follows Marlene into the kitchen. "My sister has friends over, and it’s not fun listening to them screaming the wrong lyrics to awful songs."

Marlene turns around and looks at Dorcas with wide eyes. "Oh, shit. It’s your sister's birthday today. I forgot. I totally forgot. If you want to go back and celebrate with her, that’s fine, you know? I completely understand."

"No, no," Dorcas chuckles and shakes her head. "I should thank you for getting me out of there. And we did celebrate her birthday this morning. She probably doesn’t want me around when all her friends are there anyway. So it’s all good. I‘m glad you asked."

"Okay," Marlene nods. "Okay. Well, I’m glad you‘re here."

They spend the next hour preparing the food, and Dorcas gives Marlene instructions. Which Marlene likes very much, especially when Dorcas goes to stand behind her and puts her hands over Marlene while showing her how to cut the tomatoes. Marlene knows how to cut tomatoes, but Dorcas' body presses against her back, and she has the feeling that it’s not actually about cutting the tomatoes at all. The closeness feels so exciting and new that Marlene can’t stop smiling the whole time.

They prepare everything, and as soon as they sit down on the dining table, Marlene can’t even remember why she was this nervous before. Speaking with Dorcas feels natural, and they have so many things to talk about. They talk about books, movies, and music, and Marlene gets to know Dorcas' family. It’s interesting to her to hear Dorcas speak about her sister because Marlene grew up as an only child, and she asks quite a few questions, which Dorcas answers. The conversation flows, and Marlene feels comfortable in the other girl’s presence. And that’s new for her. She never felt this calm around any of the people she hung out with, and even with Lily and Mary, who she came to be quite comfortable around, she never felt this welcomed to just be herself.

Dorcas is a magnificent woman, and sitting across from her, Marlene feels so lucky to know her.

"That was amazing," Marlene comments as she swallows that last bite.

"I‘m glad you liked it," Dorcas says. "It was one of my absolute favourite meals growing up, and I haven’t eaten it in ages, but I thought maybe you‘d enjoy it."

"And you were right," Marlene replies. And it feels so good. Because Dorcas thought about Marlene, she thought about things she might or might not like, and she was right. They‘re getting to know each other, and they‘re learning things the other one likes. It feels absolutely amazing, and Marlene can’t really fathom why she is this excited about getting to know someone. She has never felt like this before. She also never met anyone as gorgeous, and talented, and smart, and breathtaking as Dorcas, so that makes sense.

Marlene starts clearing the table, and though she insists that Dorcas doesn’t have to help her, she does. Of course, she does. Dorcas is a literal angel whom Marlene has the privilege of being around.

It kind of feels like the evening is already coming to an end, and Marlene doesn’t want that. She wants Dorcas to stay a little longer and wants to talk to her some more. And Marlene figures that, in the end, all she has to do is ask. So she smiles at the other girl, and when Dorcas smiles back, it gives Marlene the necessary courage to ask Dorcas the question. "Want to watch a movie or something?" She asks, trying to make it sound like it wouldn’t be a big deal if Dorcas said no.

"I‘d like to; I really do, but I think I should get home. I think my sister's friend are going to leave soon, and I‘d like to be there then," Dorcas says.

For a split second, Marlene is disappointed. She understands what Dorcas says; of course she does. But that doesn’t erase her wish for Dorcas to stay a little longer.

The disappointment doesn’t last long, though, because after a short pause, Dorcas adds, "But maybe you‘d like to come over to my place tomorrow? I think my parents are going to be home, but I have a laptop, so we could watch a movie together then?"

And that sounds really great to Marlene. "Yes, that sounds good," she says.

She escorts Dorcas to the door, and she desperately hopes that this is going to be just like when she left Dorcas' place the day before. She hopes that Dorcas is going to kiss her.

She smiles at the other girl as she puts on her shoes and her jacket, and then Dorcas turns around and smiles back.

That moment, Marlene realised that she doesn’t have to hope for Dorcas to make that step. She can do it. She was the one who asked Dorcas out in the first place. She was the one who texted her earlier that day. She can also be the one who kisses her right now.

So she does. She leans in slowly, so Dorcas could stop her if she wanted to. She wouldn’t kiss her if she didn’t want that. But Dorcas doesn’t stop her. She just leans in as well, and their lips meet in a soft kiss.

It’s amazing. Interestingly enough, in that exact moment, Marlene feels like absolutely no time has passed since their last kiss—the first one—and ultimately, she feels like it’s been ages. Way too long since they did this.

It’s only their second kiss, but Dorcas' lips feel familiar. They feel like home, and Marlene kisses the other girl like her lips are something sacred, something to be worshipped. Because they are. Dorcas is.

Marlene doesn’t know how long they stand there, but when Dorcas pulls back, her lips are red and glistening, and she smiles wider than she ever has. Marlene is glad that she can look at Dorcas' beautiful face and doesn’t have to look at her own, because she is sure that her face is bright red and flushed from the excitement and the heat of the kiss.

"I‘ll text you," Dorcas tells her.

Marlene nods, not trusting her voice right now. The kiss is still affecting her.

She watches Dorcas leave, and then she runs into her room, collapsing on her bed, and she doesn’t want to stand up again until it’s time to go to Dorcas' place. She doesn’t want to wash her hands because Dorcas touched them, and she doesn’t want to go brush her teeth and wash away the taste of Dorcas. Maybe it’s ridiculous, but she wants to feel her on her skin for a bit longer.

*

When Marlene wakes up, she hears her parents chatter in the kitchen. She doesn’t know when they came back; Marlene must have fallen asleep before that.

Her parents. Should she tell them? Should she tell them about Dorcas? Should she tell them that she is a lesbian? Wrong question. She doesn’t have to tell anyone. But does she want to? Yes. She wants her parents to know.

She takes her time getting dressed, mentally preparing herself for the conversation, before she shuffles into the kitchen.

"Morning, honey," her mother greets, and she ruffles her hair lovingly. She scowls a little, but not as much as she usually does.

Her parents keep chattering as Marlene makes a cup of tea, but when she goes to sit down at the table, they both turn to her.

"Did you have a nice evening yesterday?" Her dad asks.

"Yes, I did. I-" this is a good chance to initiate this conversation, Marlene thinks, so she breathes in and starts. "I invited someone."

With a raised eyebrow, her father says, "Marlene, honey, we told you not to invite any boys over."

Marlene frowns a little. "Not a boy," she says. "I invited a girl."

"Oh, a friend of yours?" Her mum asks. This is harder than she thought.

"No, not quite," Marlene replies, and before she continues, she breathes in deeply, and her hands instinctively go to play with the ring on her thumb. "I- I need to tell you something."

"What is it, honey?"

Both of her parents look at her with soft smiles, though her mother‘s brows are a little furrowed in concern.

"I‘m a lesbian."

Maybe the silence that follows doesn’t last for ages, but for Marlene, it feels like it does. Everything slows down a little, and maybe it doesn’t take ages for her father to brightly smile at her and for her mother to stand up and round the table to hug her, but it kind of feels like that.

"Oh, honey," she hears her mother say as soon as the world starts moving at a normal tempo again. "We love you so much."

Her dad stands up as well, hugging Marlene as well as her mother. "Thank you for telling us," he says as he brushes her cheek with his thumb, and for a long moment, they just stay like that, huddled together. Marlene has to blink back tears. She is happy and relieved, and she feels kind of shaky but good. She feels good. This went well.

"So this girl you invited over yesterday," her mum starts when they all untangle again and go back to their seats at the table, "is she your girlfriend?"

"I- well, no. Not yet, anyway," Marlene responds, and she looks down at her fiddling hands in an attempt to hide the blush that definitely creeps into her cheeks.

"What’s her name?" Her father asks.

"Dorcas," Marlene announces proudly. She doesn’t know why saying her name, why telling her parents about her feels so bloody good. But it does. It feels good. And it feels so good that her parents smile at her, as if they knew how much this meant to her. "She invited me over later today."

"Uhhh," her mother says, and Marlene rolls her eyes at her. Her mother gives a playful jab to her shoulder and says, "That sounds nice. I‘d like to meet her some time."

"I‘ll talk to her. We‘ll see."

Marlene wants to scream, and dance, and hug the world. Over breakfast, her parents keep asking her questions about Dorcas. How they met, what she is like. Marlene answers all of them, and she even ends up telling them about the kiss. The kisses. Both of them. She just can’t stop talking about Dorcas, but the most important thing is that her parents listen to her rambling, that they smile and ask questions, and that they are as interested in hearing Marlene talk about this girl as they would be if she was talking about a boy.