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Rey let herself fall into her bunk bed, every muscle of her body screaming in pain.
But she didn’t acknowledge it, too focused on the big nothing inside of her.
There was no other way to formulate it. It was like a black hole, sucking everything and anything , born from inside her chest. Her pain, her emotion, her will to do stuff, to eat.
What was the point anyway, now that she was truly alone.
She thought she knew what it was, waiting days and nights on freaking Jakku for her family to come back to her, feeling the hope die slowly , leaving a bitter taste on her tongue as every day, the sun coming out to the same hot and sandy nightmare. But this…
This was another level.
Even when she was living in the desert, she always had this little cold part curled in her brain, a piece of her soul that was alien to the rest, leaving a strange and comforting feeling that everything was going to be okay. That she was not as alone as she thought she might be.
And if she didn’t know back then, now she was certain it was him.
It has always been him.
Kylo Ren.
Ben Solo.
Whatever.
And this little ever presence that she took for granted,, that she didn’t even know had a name, it just… vanished.
Poof, like a flame without oxygen.
A silence tragedy.
One moment it was there, and she was kissing him, holding him tight, happy to finally see him accepting her fully , to have her friends safe, to let the Light win, once and for all.
What a joke.
She blinked and she felt it. Not the cold, but worst. The absence.
The Big Nothing.
It spreaded into her like a gangrene, and before her eyes, she saw his face change.
He was still smiling but his eyes had a desperate urgency that she didn’t fully understand. Not then, not before it was too late. It was almost like he wanted to drink her whole one last time, to take his fill of her.
She blinked again and she saw him fall, like in slow motion. She felt his whole body give up to the gravity and she was powerless to help him. He just healed her but she was still too weak to do anything.
She followed him in his fall, trying her best to keep him close.
Powerless.
Useless.
What was the point ? Why did the Force choose to bond them just to let them part at the cruelest moment?
Her life was a joke.
A freaking huge cosmic joke.
In the end, they were just pawns. Animals that have been sacrificed for the greater good.
Her purpose was just to channel the other Jedi before her to give the final hit to a menace that was lurking around years before her birth, before Luke’s one, since the beginning of time.
She was just meant to fight and then die, a soldier happily completing her task, a toy left broken by a cruel owner that was done playing with it.
She was supposed to be happy to serve, her final reward being the knowledge of the legacy she was leaving behind.
And Ben… Her poor Ben.
He didn’t accept it. Of course He would not. He was probably the most wonderfully stubborn human she ever met, and this since the very beginning. Tracking her without break, searching , killing , destroying for his sole purpose. But always moving forward. Always finding her.
She felt it, felt him, when she was surrounded by the Jedi. He was hurt, bent but not broke. Never done.
She felt his back crumble, his leg, his ribs. She felt the intense pain but mostly, shockingly, the stronger emotion emanating from him wasn't agony, but fear .
Visceral, oily.
But not for him, never for him.
Ben Solo had made peace with the fact that it was too late for him anyway. He didn’t come to Exegol with the intent to leave the planet. His sins were too important, his hands too soaked with blood for a happy ending that he didn’t deserve.
He killed his father, his uncle and by correlation, his poor mother, leaving his family heartbroken since his birth.
And he could not even truly regret all the choices that he made, because every single one of them were leading to her.
So, when he landed his ship for the very last time, all his thoughts, all what was Ben Solo, was turned toward her.
Like a lighthouse guiding a boat in the tempest.
Now that he was down here, helpless, she was in ever greater danger. And it was killing him.
She felt him, when she was giving the last blow to the Dark Side, climbing the rocky cliff, not even noticing that he was wrecking his hands against the sharp stones. Only focusing on getting back to her, no matter the cost.
She felt him, she heard his scream resonate inside of her just before the dark swallowed her.
A cry so painful, her soul smashed into thousands of pieces.
Never has her name been said like this, with such power and raw sorrow.
If only she knew.
Because it was not her destiny to end there, not her last battle.
Not if he had something to say.
She awoke in a breath, a new force pulsing through her veins. Strong, powerful, cold, familiar. Him
He was everywhere, forcing back her organs to work, pumping the blood, making her live with his sheer stubbornness.
She opened her eyes and there he was, face soaked with blood and sweat and tears. Hope in his eyes, relief.
Happiness.
Tenderness.
Love.
So munch love.
So many unsaid words, floating in the hair like so many bubbles.
She felt their bond blazing, singing freely for the first time ever, the golden link between them. Golden bridge between their souls, complete at last now that they opened to each other without play pretend.
But they were robbed.
Hope was a joke, a myth.
Hope was for foolish people like them.
Hope died that night.
Leaving her with only emptiness.
An empty body that was just working by habits.
Shallow.
And she was here, looking at the ceiling without really seeing it.
Breathing because she had to.
Mechanically going through life.
Smiling because that was what her friends expected from her.
Pretending because they won.
At what cost.
How could it be considered as a victory when Ben’s name would never be pronounced again.
When they just knew him as the heinous Kylo Ren anyway, ever out for blood.
When they were hating him for what he did, not knowing that he was her and she was him and they were one.
When she was the only one alive still thinking about him.
No family, no friends, no one.
No glory left for the falling black sheep , the last one of the Skywalker cursed legacy.
Just her.
Alone.
She was feeling so numb.
She knew that she wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. She wanted to destroy furniture .
She wanted to burst her vocal cord in the infinite space. She wanted to make it out.
But she was there, on her back. With the Big Nothing .
Numb.
If she closed her eyes hard enough, she could still see his expression when he asked her to join him, feel the punch in the gut when she saw his face for the first time, recognising him , the true him. The scared boy that was hidden behind the mask.
His loneliness calling hers.
If she concentrated enough, she could feel the tips of his shaking fingers brushing hers and all the doors that opened in her head at the same moment. All the possibilities of what they could be. What they could have.
Always together.
Never like this
But already, the little details that made him were getting blurry. The exact shade of his eyes. Were they completely brown ? Did she imagine the flickers of gold near the irises?
She still could recall the precise sound of his voice, but for how long? How long before he was just a distant memory in her own head?
How long before the Big Nothing erased it all, swallowing her at the same time?
Will she care about something ever again?
How could he think so selfishly?
She wished she could have him in front of her once again, to hug him, to kiss him, to shake him, to spit at him.
How dare he to decide for her. To bring her back to such a twisted reality.
She knew why, of course. Had she been the one in the situation, she would have done exactly the same. She would have given everything she had and more to bring it back. She wished she could have.
Were the role inverted, she too would have sacrificed herself. Logically, she knew she could not blame him.
Logically.
Only grief isn't logical. It was raw. It didn’t care.
Curling up on her side, Rey hugged her pillow.
Inside her chest, her heart was beating fast, restless, like waiting for something that wasn't going to happen, searching for the connection that wasn't there.
Ever since the battle, it was like this. No sleep, no joy. Only pretend and memories.
And dreams of what could have been.
An embrace, a kiss, a laugh , a slow dance under the stars, a child with big brown eyes and jet black hair, running around her legs, a soft smile, a hand holding.
Finally, the dam broke, sorrow swallowing her all but not erasing the overall numbness.
The last straw at least.
She bursted into tears, loud hiccups of despair coming from her guts, carving their way out through her throat.
She tried to muffle her sobs by biting her lips, her fist, the pillow, but it was not very effective. She could hear her broken cries echoing in her small room, bouncing on the wall.
It was too much.
It was not enough.
The worst in this situation was probably that she couldn’t rejoin him. She could not just lay and let herself die. Stop eating, stop breathing and hoping that he was waiting for her wherever he went.
How selfish of her it would be to just stop existing when he gave his life for hers? When she was the only one left to carry Ben Solo in her heart.
She could not.
So she had to get up every morning, put her mask on and pretend that all was good. The irony wasn’t escaping her on this.
But how was it fair? How was she supposed to live, to be happy with only half a soul?
And no one was there to answer her questions. Luke was gone, his ghost or whatever rejoining the Force , once and for all.
It was useless for her to try to speak with Finn or Poe about it. Not after all Kylo did to them. They would not understand, they would not want to, they never truly did.
They always only saw what was, not what could be. Not that she could blame them. Never.
She understood.
But she wished she could have a shoulder to cry on.
Someone to listen to her.
She wished to meet someone as heartbroken as her, telling her that you can’t die from it. That there is a solution. That there was a way to bring him back. A way to go back in time to take his hand, to be selfish together and flee a war that wasn't their.
But no.
Only the Big Nothing.
And nothing else.