Archive of Our Own ^beta

When I first had that dream, I hated it so much.

Soyoung opened her eyes only to be met with a beach. Aware it's a dream, she observed her surroundings. Nothing but sand and the silent crashes of the ocean waves.

For a moment, Soyoung had felt peace. It felt as if the world paused for just a second, to give her a little break after everything she went through.

The woman stood there, feet deep within the sand despite the shoes she's wearing. Should she really care anymore? It is just but a dream anyways. It is always nice when dreams like these pass by.

The peacefulness didn't last long though.

Back then, I had wished hundreds of times not to dream of that anymore.

Soyoung had realized. She wasn't alone in this dream.

Her body turned right to the left, and she faced a man she thought would never see again with that damned white coat.

The hazy breeze of the beach was playing with the man's short black hair. It caused his long coat to flutter against the winds too.

Just like Soyoung, that stupid man she calls Dokja just stood there, yet way closer to the water. It looked like Dokja was calling the waves, and so the waves responded.

The sea kept trying to reach Dokja, to swallow him whole, never to be seen again.

It sounded--looked horrifying.

Not to see you anymore, with that rotten smile of yours.

"..Dokja?"

Dark eyes met another, but the two pairs held different expressions.

The stupid man only greeted her petrified self with that stupid, cursed grin.

Without another word, Soyoung ran.

Her legs went against the sand that tried to hold her back, to sink her, to stop her.

Why does in that very moment, everything feels so far away when it's obvious you're right here? I cursed at you..so many times. Why did you even come back? It's not like you even let me get to you..

Right before her eyes, just right before her hands grabbed his, Dokja was already gone.

"What?"

Soyoung was puzzled. Where did he go? She feels like a kid all over again.

She glanced around, to at least find a trace of him. A proof that he was here, that he was real. That Soyoung wasn't just slowly going insane even in her dreams too.

"..You..you piece of shit!"

Nobody responded to her scream. She was alone. The waves waved off her shout and continued its cries.

The woman was frustrated and hunched down on the sand, letting her shoes get hit by the ocean. Sooyoung grabbed her hair in annoyance and struggled to calm herself down.

Her breathing was erratic and her body was trembling all over.

That day, even if I don't remember when anymore, was the day I declared to myself how much I loathed you, Kim Dokja.

And so she stayed that way, till that dream ended.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

".."

Feet deep once again, Soyoung was standing before Dokja. Nothing changed. He was still staring against the ocean's quiet cries.

The women had thought, [What exactly are you staring at, you ugly man? Why are you here again if that's all you do? What's so interesting about the ocean that you even refuse to look at me?]

Soyoung hadn't called him this time, and he didn't even bother to turn back. She went for a different method this time.

Soundlessly, one foot tiptoed, and the other followed. Soyoung planned that she will catch him, whether the man wants to or not. She feels like a big sister trying to catch her brother in the act. Ew, Soyoung erased that thought right away.

The sea wasn't forgiving, but the sand was, at least this time. All her greatest skills and efforts are put into not creating any sounds as Soyoung attempts to catch Dokja by force.

But just as Soyoung was about to jump him, the man once again turned within the blink of an eye and poofed away once more. Leaving no trace behind. Not even his foot traced within the wet sand.Unlike young birds who had grown out of their shell and flew away from their nest, Dokja disappeared as if a snake had eaten him whole.

Soyoung groaned loudly in disappointment.

"Argh! Dokja, you!!"

She once again hunched down, and grabbed her hair.

Do you want to know the misery you've put me in? To see you almost every night, yet unable to even reach you? I wrote Yoo Joonghyuk to be in that role, not me!

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Soyoung had lost track of how many times she'd seen the same scenery.

The unstopping waves, the gray-ish grains of sand, and the man standing in the middle of it all.

[Why..just why?]

[Is this one of my punishments, for not being able to save you?]

[Do you really hate the idea of us wanting to be with you? To free you?]

[To bring you back to us once more and never let you go?]

Tears started to drip from her cheeks. It had been falling for a while now.

Silent sobs could be heard, and Soyoung moved her hands up to wipe away her tears that had long wanted to topple. She had holded it in, but she's tired already.

Han Soyoung was tired.

"Hah..sometimes I wonder how Joonghyuk survived against what once was an endless eternity of pain and despair."

These dreams were taking a toll on her.

Her life wasn't all about what she got in her dreams.

She has a job now and other things to take care of. Her students, for example.

The others had started to worry of the dark bags underneath her eyes too. Her mood definitely wasn't any better either.

At that point, I wanted to give up, I really did. But the idea of turning away from the goal I've been running towards, it felt not only like I was abandoning you, it felt like I was abandoning myself too.

Soyoung stopped her hands, and let the tears gallop down her red eyes.

"..This is stupid"

The woman crouched down, and this time, she sat on the sand.

"What are these dreams..wouldn't this be classified as a lucid dream because I'm aware?"

Soyoung continued to mumble to herself. Her hands were moving on the sand, creating something.

"If this is an actual lucid dream..then I want my SSS class Ferrarigini back.."

Suddenly, a footstep was heard. Soyoung turned her head around at the speed of light due to habit.

It was still the same. The crashing waves, the gray-ish sand, and a..closer Dokja?

Did he move closer?

This phenomenon had caused her to be in deep thought.

Ultimately, Soyoung decided to brush it off and continued her pointless quiet discussion with herself. She also continued drawing the SSS car she loved and missed dearly, with both her and the man riding it.

"You look even uglier here..squid.."

"Ah! This sand looks so dull! My drawing looks bad.."

"Imagine what the others would say when I tell them I've been seeing the bastard's face almost every night and he was the cause of how ugly my face has become.."

She continued mumbling and chuckling at herself, before feeling an overwhelming figure right behind her.

Soyoung was frozen. She knew who it was. Dokja was standing real close to her now. Did he just walk over to her!?

Soyoung didn't dare to move--she was scared to move. It's like she's holding a frail vase in her hand, and just an inch of movement would break it.

She couldn't hold back her urge though.

Just as the woman was about to jump him again, Dokja disappeared, and she fell face first towards the ugly sand.

Mouth full of sand, realization came into Soyoung's mind.

"H-hold on a second!"

She stood up, and started pacing back and forth as she sorted her thoughts.

Soyoung definitely knew Dokja moved a bit previously, but she shrugged it off due to how insignificant the amount of "movement" it was. Then suddenly the bastard was behind her! The cogs in her brain were moving slowly, carefully, cleverly.

"..Was he trying to listen to what I was saying?"

It was the only possible explanation she had. Dokja didn't move an inch during all her tries in catching him. She had either been loud, or completely silent in order to catch him.

"..Heh, so he's curious now hm?"

This whole time, had that ugly bastard been listening to her too?

It was a funny thought--how you left us, yet still wanted to be with us at the same time. I know how your mind works Dokja, you are a complete idiot.

And then the light bulb turned on.

"I don't know where you are right now Dokja"

"But if I can't come to you, I'll make you come to me"

Soyoung grinned widely, it's the first time since months, even years. She had never felt so..relieved after figuring something out.

And so the dream ended.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

The moon reached the sky, and Soyoung was finally enveloped within the dream state.

The woman turned towards Dokja, who was in his usual place, ignoring her again. Soyoung did not come here unprepared though.

She sat herself down, and started talking to herself. Soyoung began to babble about an idea she had for an action story. The women explained in detail what she wanted the protagonist to be and look like, and how they would go against the antagonist. How the story would roll out, and whether there's an actual ending to it or not.

Slowly, Soyoung just ended up being sappy about it. Ever since the truth was unraveled, the woman had felt that writing was poison to her hands. To imagine and write down a new story, when one was still continuing. When she was still fighting for a story to not end so abruptly.

When they failed the group regression and returned with an empty shell of what could've been, it was an even bigger hit to how she felt towards a hobby, a skill that she considers her world.

Soyoung vowed to herself to not write.

She just can't.

But could that truly stop her mind from wandering the fast land of imagination?

Did you know, Dokja? I couldn't even dare to type in anything or bring my little notepad with me. You've really ruined me, yet I still run after you. The others too.

Sometimes, daydreams can be just as deadly as her dreams.

After all, a writer's creativity is an endless maze.

There would be times where she'd take a break from grading her student's papers, and take a look at the window next to her table facing several buildings outside. Of course she would live within the Nebula's complex, it's also hers anyways. She would take a glimpse of the world, and she would already be lost in a gaze.

Soyoung stopped for a moment. And took a deep breath.

She took a peek over her shoulder. Dokja was closer. But she had talked longer than she did last time, why isn't Dokja behind her just like he was before?

We could've stopped this all from happening if you would just let us know, you rat. Let us know that the world isn't that easy and forgiving. We've all sacrificed countless lifetimes for you, and we would do more.

That was the end of that dream.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Soyoung was back again, and she is still determined. She had talked to herself several times already, but none of those talks brought the ugly man closer than it did the first time.

Was Kim Dokja not that stupid after all?

Soyoung groaned. What else would be the winning factor of bringing him here?

She laid her legs wide open on the sand, and thought about other things to talk about. There wasn't much, or atleast, much that doesn't hurt to speak of.

Argh! She can't give up just yet!

"Oh, shit!"

The woman in the hoodie just remembered that she had forgotten to call Sangah to meet her up tomorrow to discuss a few matters.

"I should probably wake myself up to call her..but I really don't wanna know whether that woman is awake at this hour or not.."

"Instead, she'll know that I'M contactable at this hour, and give me a long lecture on it!"

The original train of thought Soyoung had was interrupted, and she started thinking about Sangah, and perhaps the others too.

"Hm, I wonder which between the two of us has the bigger pay..She works for the government, while I am a college professor.."

"..We all know that working for the government doesn't pay much, but that crazy woman technically has the whole thing under her hands because she's an incarnation and is part of our Nebula which saved the world.."

Soyoung was now lost in this train of thoughts.

"Wait! What about Hyunsung and Heewon's pay..?"

A soft shriek was heard, and Soyoung found herself frozen once again. She carefully peeked over her shoulders, and was taken aback.

The stupid man was just a few feets away from her!

If I had realized sooner how much those dreams helped, maybe I would've taken less time on writing that novel..I'm definitely not admitting that though.

Sooyoung came to a realization.

All this time, Dokja only truly cared for one story.

And he had wanted to see the end of that story, with all his companions.

Even if he wouldn't make it into the picture.

Why would Dokja care for any other stories? Why would he care about any other protagonists, antagonists, and all that shit when he already cared about one! Even if he promised to read Soyoung's, that crazy bastard followed TWSA for ten years!

..He's probably reading it again right now, wherever he is.

Soyoung was silent.

"Ah...," her mouth gaped. She felt breathless. The realization impacted her heavily, and the woman gaped for air as if she was a fish drowning in the depths of the ocean.

Soyoung took deep breaths, and she stared at the ocean for some while. The ocean never cared, but it never disagreed either. On her last breath, she snickered to herself.

"It makes complete sense! Why didn't I think about it like that?!" She is jumping around, powered by dozens of emotions all taking over her at once. She was overjoyed, she was sad, she was angry, but most importantly she felt relieved, and the world didn't feel all that cloudy anymore.

Her eyes beamed with hope. "Sorry for taking too long Dokja, I understand now!"

Soyoung kept giggling, then she let her body fall into the sand, and she stared at the sky that didn't feel all that gray anymore. The sky only watches, but it never leaves.

For once, she cut the dream feeling better than she ever did.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

"Hey, Dokja," Soyoung opened her mouth, without looking at him. Why would it matter now, all she needs to make sure is that the squid listens to what she has to say.

As long as I don't reach for you, you will reach out yourself.

Soyoung repeated that to herself one more time.

Soyoung continued. "Did you know? Joonghyuk is currently unemployed now," she laughed. "I bet you thought he would continue his gaming career, so did I!"

"To be honest, nobody actually knows what he does now, not even Soyoung and Jeewon themselfs who literally work or in better words, rule the government," the woman uttered.

Dokja hadn't moved.

"You know," Soyoung sighed, "we didn't all live together in a big house, like, how you probably wanted all of us to. That was your wish after the scenario anyways. Other than wanting to reach the end of the story, I feel like that's pretty much the only thing you expressed your desire on.."

And so Soyoung rambled continuously. She paced around where she was, she crouched to draw on the sand, and she rolled around getting it all on her clothing, but she never stopped talking.

The woman doesn't care if it hurts, whether for Dokja or her to listen, she just needs to keep on talking. Talking about things the two of them would've wanted to say, to hear from each other.

"Jihye struggles a bit with college. I'm pretty sure she doesn't need to take it, we saved the world! Aren't we at least granted freedom to do whatever we want to it and in it? Although she kept insisting on entering, so we all let her be."

Soyoung went silent for a second. "Well, I guess I could see it from her point of view. Everyone could."

"..We're all just trying to feel the normalcy again, perhaps as a distraction from you. ..Even I hate to admit that"

"Ugh! You really make me feel shit all the time!"

During her nonstop talking, she saw at the corner of her eyes, a man who cautiously moved to look at her.

For a moment, she felt like she was trying to tame a wild cat, but then trying to catch a rat fit better.

At the very least, she finally had a better view of Dokja's face, than just small glimpses.

He looked the same as ever.

This whole time, Soyoung made sure she didn't talk too loud, just loud enough for ears to hear, but not make out the words. Like a river, flowing graciously yet you couldn't see the bottom nor where it leads to. You'd have to try and find out. And her strategy this time, worked great as hell.

"You wanna hear more, don't you? Come closer then"

".."

Of course, she's greeted by the same silence, as always.

The woman, as cheeky as she ever was, tuned down her voice to what would be called as whispers and mumbles. Even smaller than how she was talking the whole time.

She hasn't faced Dokja at all yet.

The fact that I'm trying so hard for mere dreams is laughable. I miss you so, damn, much that I was willing with this version of you.

Dokja,

Why did you even come?

The crashes of the ocean waves have taken over the place now. Soyoung was sitting with her whole weight shifted to her legs, which were crossed. She rests her head on her hands.

There's no sign or concept of time within Soyoung's dream.

She knows she's been speaking for so long. Even if the sun never faltered, the clouds never divided, and the ocean never receided, she could feel it.

Soyoung was tired, even though she was asleep.

Ah, that..certainly triggered a deja vu.

Soyoung has been holding back the urge to turn around. She wanted to wait, she HAD to wait.

She sighed.

"Dokja,"

Soyoung blinked once.

".."

And she blinked twice.

Dokja was in a similar position as hers. He was sitting down, holding his legs between his arms. Soyoung was facing the endless plane of sand, while Dokja was facing the unforgiving sea.

"Dokja," Soyoung called out again.

".."

"How long are you planning on only listening?"

".."

"You--"
"Soyoung,"

Soyoung tried to hold back her jolt.

She hasn't heard that voice for a long time now. Soyoung heard the faint rustles of someone. She turned back just as quickly.

Then she saw it.

The face of the man she had been waiting for, yearning for.

Dokja was smiling.

Yet Soyoung was already tearing.

"You are so persistent," He kept on with that stupid stupid smile-

Soyoung was running out of names to call Dokja.

Even though she finally succeeded- even though Dokja was finally not running away-

Soyoung was frozen. She couldn't stand. She couldn't talk. She couldn't. She just couldn't. She was trapped in a book that refused to open.

Just why had she been doing all this?

Her head was stroked by a hand. Hand full of scars Soyoung could feel through her messy excuse of a brain. Hers were also full of scars. They had all gone through alot.

"I hope-" Dokja choked on his own breath, "I hope one day, you'll be able to tell me more, Soyoung."

"..How?"

It was a stupid question, really.

"You know how already"

"If you really wanted to- You could've been in it from the start"

You smile even though your feelings conflict with it, that's why I hated it so much. I hated you so much.

At this moment, it felt like Soyoung's dreamscape fell into ruins. Just for this moment.

"Do you truly want to be with us?" She continued.

"If I was given the choice to pick either the world or myself, I would pick the world"

"That's bullshit"

Lie. It was a lie. The woman was determined to break through Dokja's lies.

Soyoung was persistent, like Dokja had mentioned. "You never loved the world Dokja. You loved that novel and it became the world, so you protect it. At the very least- let us give this world back to you, Dokja"

".."

"Even if we did, if you don't want to receive it, then really, what's the point?"

".."

"So tell me, would you let me find worth in saving you?"

No answers could escape Dokja's lips. He was silent. And he glanced back at the sea.

Perhaps because of the fact that after all of this, these are just mere dreams, Dokja didn't answer.

And so it ended.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

It had been a few days, weeks, at most, since Soyoung saw a breathing Dokja. It was to be expected that that dream could've been the last she had, after the abrupt question.

But Soyoung had her eyes open now, and she was determined.

"Dokja, you....you're so guessable"

"Take care of yourself, Dokja, I'll bring you back soon", uttered Soyoung as she cracked her knuckles, and opened her laptop.

Time has passed since her last dream, as she finally finalized her plan. Now, all she needed to do was to start.

Those dreams, even if it brought more bad than good, was the key that finally unlocked the last door. The door that would lead to Dokja.

And Soyoung finally opened the last door.

She'll fish Dokja out, and she will get him back.