Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!!!!!”

The man pulled up his Nerf Fortnite RL BlasterTM and aimed it at the bank employee, who was just trying to do their job this Tuesday.  Everyone else that was there were huddled against the corner of the walls crying like little bitches while the threatening robber man held the poor employee at gunpoint.  The employee was scared, but they put on a calm expression and tried to convince the man that violence is never the answer.

“Sir, we should talk about withdrawing your money more calmly.  You’re scaring the kids-”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!”  The man yelled “I DON'T GIVE A FUCK about the children!  I want 1000,000 dollars WITHDRAWN or you’re getting popped in the head so help me god!!!”

“You said 1,000,000 wrong, you goofy goober.”

“SWASFSHGDFHFNFNMFRM<MNM” The man became so angry that he shot his Nerf Fortnite RL BlasterTM at the employee.  However, the robber had shit aim and missed the employee by a long shot, and the bullet instead got reflected by the bank doors and was now headed straight towards the robber.  Before he could react, the bullet had hit him.  The robber then proceeded to die.  Everyone else that had been cowering in fear earlier now had confused expressions on their face from the exchange that had just happened.  The employee was still as calm as they were before, not even shocked about what had just transpired.  It was quiet.

“...so…what do we do now?”  Asked one of the bystanders: a lavender haired orphan with shit fashion choices “do we still call the police or something?”

“Oh course we do you fucking duck!” shouted another bystander, who of which was a yellow pigtailed haired girl wearing different shades of blue.  The orphan was offended that they were called a duck, but didn’t say anything else as he pulled out his phone to call the police.  He dialed the number and as he put the phone to his ear…the girl's phone started ringing.  She hesitantly picked up her phone as people were now staring at her with anticipation or something.  She answered the phone.

“Hello?”

The orphan immediately hung up “Wait, YOU’RE part of the police?!”?”

“No, well technically-” The girl stammered.

“OH MY GOD.”  The orphan stood up and pointed at the girl “Everyone, LOOK!  This person is part of the police force!!”

“IT’S MY FREE DAY VIZI, I’M WORKING AS A NEWS REPORTER TODAY!!!” The girl shouted, but it was too late.  Everyone in the vicinity (except for the employee, who was just watching the whole scenario silently) was now laughing at her.  The poor thing began to silently sob as she was bullied by these random people who of which don’t have names. However, due to the people’s attention now being on the girl, they had failed to notice that the Nerf Fortnite RL BlasterTM that the robber had dropped was now floating off the floor glowing a ominous purple aura.  Of course, the employee noticed, but decided not to say anything for some reason.  They weren't a talker, so to say…until the employee noticed that the gun was reloading itself and was about to kill a bitch!  The gun aimed itself at the orphan named Vizi, and was about to pull the trigger when…

“Ayo, watch out!”

Vizi heard the employee call out as the gun pulled its trigger, barely dodging the bullet, because prior to this whole thing he had watched The Matrix, directed by the Wachowskies.  Now everyon’s attention was directed towards the floating evil gun, fear now back on their faces.  However, what happened next scared them even more.

“I shot, and I missed.”  The gun spoke.

“Wh-what the fuck?!”  Ozi stammered “Why is the gun sentient!?!?”

“WHY THE FUCK DID IT QUOTE GAMEGRUMPS?!?!?!?!” Vizi yelled, being more angry than scared.  Now everyone in the room was freaking out over what was going on, running around and screaming and flailing their arms around.  The gun just looked at the chaos, mildly irritated that they weren’t able to tell their evil villian introduction right away.  The gun pulled its trigger again, the bullet luckily not hitting anyone as it flew through a window and broke it.  That was enough to shut everyone up.

“Okay, can I PLEASE tell my villainous motives now?”  The gun asked, annoyance in its voice.  

Everyone slowly nodded thei heads.

“Thank you.”  The gun spoke, then it cleared its throat(?) and continued “...I lied I didn’t think of any villianous motives when I possessed this gun.”

“Wait, you're possessing the gun??”  The employee spoke up, intrigued by those words “Why?”

“Why, thats a good question that I will not answer.”  The gun replied, then aimed itself at the employee “and it will remain that way.”  Despite being about to be shot again, the employee was still as calm as usual.  However, something about the whole thing just felt familiar to them…too familiar, in fact.  So, before the gun pulled its trigger for the third time, the employee spook the one name that came to them through all of this.

“...Dark Nebula.”

The moment the employee uttered those two words, everything went silent.  It was so silent that one could hear a pin drop.  The gun floated away a bit, caught off guard by the serious name being spoken.  Then, the gun darkly chuckled.

“...well, it seems that after all this time you still remember who I am.”

Now everyone was confused as fuck again.  Dark Nebula?  Wasn’t he that final boss from that one Kirby game that sucked ass (the final boss sucked, not the game.  The game was more meh if anythimg.  I played the game, I would know.)?  Why is he here?  Why was he possessing a gun?  And WHY did the bank employee of all people know him?!  Now the people were watching with intent, being careful on not getting too close in fear of getting shot.  The gun and the employee stared eachother down.

“Why have you returned, after all these years?”  The employee asked, a serious tone in their voice.

“That’s a good question that I WILL answer.”  The gun, now revealed to be known as the evil Dark Nebula, now prepares himself to explain his evil return, which he will do right now “...Every since that blasted puffball defeated me in our battle, I’ve been lurking in the darkness, slowly regaining the power I had lost from that day-”

“Aren’t you, like, the easiest final boss ever though?”  A random bystander questioned, not knowing of the consequences of doing so.  Dark Nebula turned to the person and shot them, killing them instantly.  Everyone else still alive learned a valuble lesson of not questioning easy final bosses during their evil explainings that day.

“Ignore that person, they’re irrelevant.”  Dark Nebula commented while looking down at the dead body, then resumed where he left off “Now back to what I was saying.  I had survived the battle with that pink nusiance (this story is not canon to the Kirby universe, forgot to mention), however I was now very weak and fled, never to be seen again.  Slowly, but surely though, I regained the powers I had once lost and now I am powerful enough to complete the plan I had once failed to accomplish: to destroy this pitiful planet ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!”  Dark Nebula cackled evilly, like the evil gun possesing star cresture that he was.

“...but why are you posessing a Nerf Fortnite RL BlasterTM of all things?”  The employee questioned, which made Dark Nebula stop his evil laughter.

“An ominous colored item doesn’t bring as much attention to it as an ominous colored person.”

“Okay I guess that makes sense.”

“Anyways I’m gonna fuck this place up now be scared” Dark Nebula stated as he shot more bullets, sending everyone into a screaming fear frenzy.  Oxi was one of those people, of course, but she had many questions that probably would not be answered with the side effect of her being shot.  So, she did the one other thing that could be possible without being shot:  leaving the bulding.  So, she stopped screaming in fear, somehow calmed herself down despite all the chaos, and walked towards the exit.  She reached the exit door.  She took one last look at what was happening, and seemed to notice that the employee looked a bit unnerved.  She was surprised that they managed to stal calm until this moment.  Oxi had unanswered questions still, but it was too late to go back as she went through the doors into the outside.  Luckily, nobody else seemed to notice she left yet: Vizi and the people were dodging bullets and being scared and Dark Nebula was busing making the people dodge the bullets.  I think someone got hit.  Oop, there goes another.  He’s making progress, but that’s not important.  We’re focussing on Oxi.

Anyways, the light wind was the first thing Oxi felt when she walked out the doors.  Considering that it was near summer, it was very warm out, however the wind made it more bearable because of its cooling effect.  Oxi walked, taking in the nice weather that was had, knowing that it would rain like Niagara Falls and be cold tomorrow.  Her taking ins were cut short, however, when she heard the voice of a particular red sweatshirt wearing boy not too far from her.  She turned to see that it was Vince recording a new video about god knows what.  The only strange part about it was that Kristin wasn’t there, but then she remembered that he had went to Las Vagas for his vacation, so she didn’t question it.  She just walked away from the bank and let Vince do his thing.  Even if she did want to question it, she culdn’t stay for long.  She had News Reorting stuff to do about a pecelier character to a peceilan person…one we might know and will never see in this story.  Oxi then walked into someone like a total dutz.

“Oh shit, sorry about that I wasn’t looking where I-” Oxi stammered, then stopped herself when she looked at who she bumped into “-Oh hey Tyler.”  

“Hey.”  Was all the aforementioned Tyler had said before he walked away.  Oxi looked back at the black haired boy with the mask, then turned back to look for that peculier person she wanted to interview.  Then…she slowly stopped her searching, seeming to realize something.  Her facial expression slowly formed into what was considered shock and horror.

“...Wait a fucking fuck.”  Oxi slowly spoke in realization.

Tyler was wearing the same uniform as the bank employee.  In fact, the two of them looked nearly the same.

Chapter Text

Before we get back with Oxi and her foreshadowing realizations, we shall check up on everyone else in the bank…at least, check up on the people that are still alive that is.  While most of the people are absolutely dead from being hit by Nebula's underworldly bullets, Vizi was one of the very few people still miraculously alive somehow.  Yeah, we got the employee, but they just seemed to be standing there, watching everyone blankly and doing nothing to stop it.  Like, seriously dude.  Call the police or the ambulance.  Hell, a damn funeral home for god sakes!  DO SOMETHING, PLEASE.  ANYONE.  STOP DODGING BULLETS AND DO YOUR JOBS FOR FUCKS SAKE.

Oh wait, the orphan has come to a realization too!  Everyone lets hear it!

"AiiiiaaiiaaaAAAAAAAAA”

The bootleg Touhou fangame that was happening in the bank came to a sudden halt as everyone stared at Vizi in horror due to the ungodly sound that was emitted out of his mouth.  It was silent.  So silent, in fact, you could hear a pin drop.  Now, Vizi had no plans for what he would say after getting everyone’s attention, so he was just standing there sweating bullets as he internally frantically tried to figure out what to do.  He had no plan in the slightest.  He was most definitely fucked.

“So…should I just shoot him?” Nebula asked, slightly bothered that his shoot out had been interrupted by a silly little parentless child.  The other people still alive stayed silent for a bit, but one by one each individual agreed that yes, he should, in fact, shoot the child.  Vizi started sweating even more as he sayewed Dark Nebula reload himself and aim himself at him, like omg what do he dooooo?????  As Vizi was about to accept hs fate, he got an idea.  An awful idea.  The Vizi got a wonderful awful idea.  As Nebula was about to shoot, Vizi pointed at the bank employee and shouted at the top of his lungs…

“OMG IS THAT RATATOUILLE???????!?!?!?!?”

“It’s Remy, asshole!”  The bank employee responded instantly, then covered his mouth in the horrid realization of what he said.  Soon enough, everyone in the building was now staring him down.  Even Dark Nebula was curious to what the hell was going on.

“Remy, aye?”  Vizi questioned, a suspicious tone in his voice “that’s what a RAT would call him.”

“I-” The employee stammered, now his turn to start sweating as well “I-I watched the movie!  L-Literally anyone that watched the movie would know that!!”

“Now who the fuck watches Disney in this time and age?” Vizi pressed on, slamming his hands on the front desk.  The employee stepped away slightly, fear now in his eyes.  Vizi continued “Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, openly admits that they watch Disney movies in this town.  If they do, then that means they are not human…” Vizi jumped over the desk, then ominously walking over towards the bank employee, who now was cornered by the wall behind him.  Vizi yet again continued “...which means that you…” he grabs the employee’s hair “...are not.  Human.”  and yanks it off, revealing that not ONLY was it a wig this entire time, but it also revealed what was underneath said wig…

“Ratatoulle!?!?” Everyone cried out in shock.  That’s right, the person, or rather, mouse, behind the existence of the bank employee was none other than Remy from the hit movie Ratatouille, directed by Brad Bird, and to say that he was pissed off from being called Ratetoulle is an understatement, cause god he was LIVID.  Everyone could feel the angry tension in the room.

“It’s REMY!” The mouse spoke, agitated.  Remy took a deep breath to calm himself down (with partial success), then spoke again “Yes, I was the one controlling the bank employee.  I was the one behind this master scheme.”

“Master scheme?” Vizi questioned with confusion in his voice, still holding the wig that he tore off “Since when was there any mention behind a master scheme?”  Remy only laughed in response and pointed at Dark Nebula, who at this point stopped possessing the gun and was now in his typical star shaped form.  Everyone turned to stare at the underworldly entity, expecting some sort of response.  However, Vizi seemed to get where Remy was hinting at.

“Wait, you two are working together?!?!”  Vizi exclaimed, “I mean, you two DO know eachother as stated earlier in the story, PLUS the fact that you didnt call the police at at when Dark Nebula was murdering everyone in the bank…it wasn't just a mere coincidence, no no no, you two were in on it all along!”  Everyone gasped at the conclusion, then they all started murmuring in agreement and about how it connected or some stupid theory stuff like that.

“Actually, I though he was a different mo-” Dark Nebula tried to counter, but Vizi violently shushed him.  The people continued to whisper among themselves, not noticing the faint footsteps heading towards the building.  All of a sudden…

BAM!  The front door was broken down by none other than....

“Guys!  GUYS!” Oxi spoke, frantically trying to catch her breath “The…The employee…he’s not…he’s…ha…huh?” Oxi stopped talking as she quickly took notice of what was currently happening in the room, everyone staring at her.  Nebula no longer being a gun, the bank employee being bald…she had a bit of a look of bewilderment.

“Sorry, Oxi, but the plot twist had already been revealed.” Vizi pointed out, gesturing towards Remy the mouse “You can go home.”

“B-But-I-The-”

“Oxi please-”

“But Vizi, the-”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP.” Those were the last words Vizi shouted that finally made Oxi run out of the bank crying like a little bitch.  The people were stunned, and to be frank nobody knew what else to do.  Everyone exchanged glances, however nobody had noticed that Remy was in the process of pulling out a walkie talkie I would assume that he hid up his ass considering he has no known pockets on his body, and quietly spoke into it.  Soon after Remy spoke into it, the ground started shaking.  Like, it was shaking VIOLENTLY.  It had the shaking of ALL the earthquakes in existence COMBINED.  Everyone struggled to keep their footing, and I’m pretty sure some people died from the vibrations alone, the poor employee being one of the people that had met this sad, sad fate..  Rip.  Anyways everyone was very much freaking out, attempting to grab anything stable enough to let them live.  It seemed like the violent shaking would last forever….until it didn't.  After what seemed to be at least 5 minutes the earthquake had ceased.  Everyone thought this was the end of it…until suddenly…

…a bunch MORE MICE BROKE THROUGH THE CEILING.  They were all pouring in the room like a waterfall, and there was no way to escape.  All Vizi and the people could do is accept their fate to the mice.  The last thing they all heard before succumbing to the rodent ocean was Remy’s triumphant laughter…

…………
……….
……

…at least, that’s how you would expect things to end.

Yeah, turns out that none of this actually happened.  The whole thing about Dark Nebula possessing a Nerf Fortnite RL BlasterTM and Remy fucking showing up never happened.  It was all an induced acid trip everyone was going through after the robber killed himself with his shit aim, in hopes that their day would feel more climatic.  As seen above, the trip went VERY wrong, so now everyone was spazzing all over the floor.  Even the employee (who was actually Tyler this time, thank fuck) was withering on the floor due to the drug’s effects.  The only person that didn’t snort the funny substance was Oxi, due to her role as a police officer, but even so she couldn’t arrest anyone becuase she was working as an interviewer, and interviewers aren’t allowed to arrest people.  Only police officers can do that.  It wasn't like she could interview them either, considering their current state, so her only option was to stare at the seizure party transpiring on the floor.

“...I’m too tired for this shit.”  Oxi eventually muttered to herself before exiting the bank, assumably to go to a different one so that she can withdraw some money she saved.  Poor girl can’t catch a break.

Anyways, don't do drugs.  They ain’t good.

The End.