Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

if you had asked james two years ago what he thought his flat would look like now, he would never have answered correctly.

it feels empty without him. where there was once a comforting sense, the missing person left an anxiety-filled fog that felt almost suffocating every time james took a breath.

one would walk in and feel the complete opposite, for the flat is perfectly furnished, thanks to the clever eye that belonged to his boyfr- sorry, ex-boyfriend. the living room is decorated with well-thought-out furniture and throw pillows, giving a friendly and relaxing vibe that reminded james of his childhood house. each wall had photos framed of james' favorite memories. the genius designer had taken everything james loved and put the energy into their shared home.

james scans the room, taking in the details that are missing. things that should be there, that was there when he first moved in. trying to find something new that left along with the love of his life - the same routine he's been doing for the past three months.

laging ka nasa isip ko, mahal.

while searching for his newest discovery, james hears the phone ringing. normally one would approach to answer, but he stays in place and closes his eyes instead.

"hi, reg and jay are busy right now, please call us back later!" the message booms into the room as james silently stands there waiting for the beep.

"james, mate, please answer your phone," a voice plays, and james sighs in disappointment.

he didn't call. why would he anyway? he had three months to do so, why would he now?

the voice continues talking. "james, i know you're home, please pick up."

in another time, james would have gotten regulus to answer the phone, even though reg hates answering. he would've teased him, offering to hold his hand while reg answers the phone that usually would have been a call from his brother. now he wishes reg was there to be the one to hold his hand and be by his side.

he's alone, james is painfully aware. and now his bestfriend was calling to check on him, worried james was stuck in his bed again. he realizes he owes moony enough to answer the phone and allow his friend to talk to him.

"hello remus," james manages to croak out a greeting despite him not using his voice all morning.

"i see reg is still answering the machine for you."

james nods, even though he is aware remus can't see him. "i have no strength to change it."

remus sighs. "prongs...he's been gone for a bit while now..." james swallows. remus has given several versions of this talk every day since james came home to no boyfriend, his entire part of the flat cleared out. "i know it's hard to get over him, but maybe not hearing him on the answering machine would help a little bit."

"moony.....i can't."

"it's okay, james. it's okay," james' throat tightens at the gentleness of remus' voice.

changing the message meant erasing the last thing that showed reg lived here. reg already took away everything else. james needed this one thing. erasing his voice meant james lost his melody, the last thing that kept him sane. and james was simply just. not. ready....yet.

remus continues to try to soothe james, but he spaces out.

you'd think james would be able to handle this. he was strong when lily left. his childhood sweetheart had given him one last goodbye before walking out of his life. he was able to take the rejection. the difference is, reg gave him no warning. there's no physical signs of reg ever being present, but the scent of lavender haunts him that james can't bring himself to walk around with his head high anymore.

james shakes his head. "thanks moons. i'll see you and pads later, yea?" he chews his bottom lip, hoping remus wouldn't recognize that james was not paying attention at all.

"yea of course, sirius says hello, by the way." they hang up the phone.

the aching pain in james' chest grows stronger as tears stream down. he shakes his head, sobbing.

bituin, i'm so over being blue, this constant crying over you.

james makes the mistake of turning on the radio. as if the universe wanted to stick a stake into his heart, james' favorite song plays. once upon a time, james would hear this song and run towards the love of his life and belt out the lyrics. regulus used to protest, but the more it happened, the more it became as reg's personal challenge to see how long it would take for james to catch him.

as the radio adds to the stinging in his chest, james feels so exhausted. he wants to cry but he just can't bring any more tears out. it's as if he cried his entire life supply dry. the song turns into another love song and james is so sick hearing them all, but he's sick of the silence too.

james walks over to his calendar, making sure he didn't forget about any half-promised meetups with his friends. they mean well, sure, but james just wants to stay home. he feels guilty about every cancellation, but the fear of running into reg, being happy out and about, would literally kill him. as he peers over with tears blurring his vision, james is trying to avoid the heart sticker marked on july 15. if he acknowledged the sticker, james knew it would feel like a punch to the gut.

there's no celebration without you, mahal ko.

james gazes over the sticker and like clockwork, he gets a flashback of last year.

"JAMIE NO!" reg ran away from him laughing, as james caught him by the waist and pressed a frosting covered hand on his cheek. "i'm gonna kill you for that."

a tear runs down his face as james remembers kissing the frosting side and kissing reg, covering their mouths with the sweetness. his chest burns as his body tingles at the memory of pressing against reg, as if he was trying to melt his boyfriend into him.

i miss you so much, bituin. i wish you were still here.

he curses himself as he runs his hands over his face, wiping the tears dry. the radio gives him a new song, tying him back to when james was able to convince reg to do karaoke. just them, in the comfort of their home. allowing reg to feel free to sing about the cheesy kind of love with james. he was in pure admiration of reg's voice, knowing how vulnerable reg must've felt, letting james see him like that. james had felt so proud of his boyfriend for opening up like this, even if it was just through songs, that he had lifted reg up and spun him as reg sang his lungs out.

paborito ko, your voice will always be mine.

each song that plays on the radio sounds the same as they merge into one, with james' mind running. it pains him to constantly be full of thoughts of him and their memories. he desparately wanted everything to stop moving, stop anything from making james feel reg flying further away in time and space. it makes every song remind him of what used to be. he's so sick of love songs, so sad and slow, but he just can't turn it off.

tama na, jamie. tama na, iwanan mo na ako.

james uses the memory of reg's voice to calm him down. he imagines his love smiling at him and james painfully reaches for the warmth that isn't there. he wants to wake up and face that reg will be a memory he cherishes, and not someone who's coming back.

iwanan ko na ikaw, mahal ko.

the phone rings again. "hi, reg and jay are busy right now, please call us back later!" james sighs, anticipating which friend was checking up on him this time.

"jamie?"

Chapter Text

"jamie?"

james could feel his heart speed. each beat ricochets from his ear drums and the voice echoes in his ear.

"jamie?.....james please."

the change made james realize the voice wasn't ringing in his ear. reg was actually repeatedly calling out his name. enough to seem like an echo. enough for james to feel the urge to run to the phone and forgive reg. whatever it was, whatever he did, pales in comparison to the love and longing james felt in his core. he just wanted reg back. his heart begged but his brain forced his feet cemented onto the ground. he didn't know if he should move or not. listen to his heart versus his brain.

reg seemed to understand that james was not going to pick up. "okay, i understand. you probably don't want to talk to me right now. but please call me soon....." there's a silence that follows, as if reg was hoping for a response, before james hears the beep that signifies the caller had hung up.

he felt like his world was spinning. for days, james had wished to get that phone call. he spent the first week waiting by the phone, willing it to ring. to make a sound. to let james know that he was okay. he was coming back. reg just needed space. james shouldn't have smothered him. reg needed space.

but how much space? for how long?

the thoughts had consumed him entirely and for five weeks, he was stuck in a loop: get up, go to work, go home, go to bed, and repeat.

in hopes to get james back to his normal self, remus and peter would come visit. sirius wasn't sure at first, on whether to come or not. james knew sirius didn’t want to betray reg by telling james about what he was up to, but at the same time, unsure of how to comfort his bestfriend. sirius would send gifts of apology when remus came over, and james didn’t take offense to his bestfriend’s distance. lately, sirius decided that it was safe to start visiting and james knew it from his face that reg was fine, he just wasn't coming home.

shaking the thoughts from his head, he peps himself up to forget about the call. with the radio still on, james turns it off and goes to get ready for work.

-

from work, james drives to the bar owned by barty crouch jr., reg's bestfriend. he didn't want to go here, but remus made sure that barty wouldn't tell reg they were coming. he didn’t know reg had called, but he still wanted barty to keep quiet about james visiting. james still didn't have the heart to call reg back. he wasn't sure when he'd be ready to hear the truth of why his world came crashing down.

remus, peter, and sirius thought that james' first night out as a single man should be in a place that he was comfortable with. james understood the sentiment, but it was kinda lost, knowing that reg frequents this bar as well. after all, they visited barty numerous of times together and they spent many nights here. in fact, with a warning or not, james knew there was a chance reg was there. he prays he wasn’t.

james parks his car and heads inside. immediately, he heard sirius call out for him. with a plastered on smile, he walks over, hoping he didn't look as terrible as he felt.

"how was work?" peter asked, as james slid over next to him in their usual booth.

"fine, same old, same old," james nods to the drinks in front of them. "what are you guys having?"

"mocktails," remus grins, pushing over a glass in james' direction. "this one's a cola, we didn't know what you would want today."

james smiled a thank you at his friend, but internally forced down a small cry. too many memories have flooded his brain when he walked in. but this particular one hurts the most because it was their thing. reg would always bark an order at barty and make the two of them try every nonsensical drink barty's bartenders could ever come up with. each rating would give the bartender's an incentive to give them the most creative, but good tasting drinks. reg came up with a system that they would rank the drink from 0 to 10, and tip them according to the rating. if the drink was rated an absolute 0 (was very rare, and if it did happen, the bartender would make a new one for them), the tip would be $15. if the drink was a 10, the tip would be $165. usually, reg ranks around 7-9 so the tip would vary from 120 to 150. it was a lot of money and the bartenders would always show their gratitude, but reg would wave them off. james used to love that no matter what, reg gave off a generous tip each time, as if he knew that sometimes they'd get customers who weren't worth a cent at all.

james swallows at the lump in his throat that formed when remembering his and reg's game. remus notices, but doesn't point it out.

"well if it isn't the marauders," the cocky voice made james smile a bit at the person who it belonged to.

barty pats james' shoulder, almost like a comfort, as he looks at the four of them. "to what do i owe the pleasure of you wankers entering my bar?"

sirius laughs. "nothing special, just thought we'd pay a visit to our favorite bar."

"and here i thought you were all here to see my handsome face."

peter laughs as well. "afraid you're talking to taken men."

everyone laughs before james realizes that he was actually single. barty cracks a joke about the poor woman peter's dating that james gets distracted. he joins in by teasing barty being single and in his usual fashion, barty actually informs james that he doesn't need or want commitment at the moment. it's a nice moment between the five of them as they crack more jokes, barty earning a punch on his shoulder when he asked remus to leave sirius and get with him instead.

"as if! moony is mine, we're gonna get married someday!" sirius glares.

"then how come i see no ring?"

"you little-"

"hello." another interruption but this time, the voice appears next to remus. james eyes immediately detects reg as he walked up to them, his nervous energy felt by the entire group.

his brain finally registers that this was his ex-boyfriend and james freezes. he doesn't dare to look at his direction, only making eye contact with a confused remus, who was sitting next to a smiley sirius.

"hello brother, care to join us?" sirius smiles at reg and then glancing at james.

james doesn't make eye contact with sirius, unsure what to do next. he senses that sirius knew about reg showing up and he's not mad at sirius because had he been in his shoes, james would have done the same thing. after an awkward silence and james feeling reg's stare burning at the side of his head, he gets up.

"excuse me," james passes in between reg and barty, lightly touching reg, as he moves him aside. he couldn't help it, he missed him, but he didn't want to give in to reg so easily. when he let go, james wishes he could just turn around and embrace reg.

reg felt the longing in his touch and reaches to grab his wrist, but he doesn't hold on tight, so he lets go when james walks far enough away. both wish the other would grab them, but were too scared to make the first move.

when james walks out of earshot, remus looks between reg and barty.

"did barty tell you we were gonna be here?"

barty and reg both shake their heads. "sirius did," reg replies, as remus turns to glare at his boyfriend.

"i thought you and i agreed to take james out for a distraction," remus sighs.

"moony, if we let him sulk forever, he's gonna become boring. plus, the faster these two make up, the better."

remus sighs again. "no offense reg, but it took me so long to convince him to get out of the house for anything other than work."

reg felt those words stab his heart, but he smiles anyway. "i know... i did him wrong, i should've called again to make sure he was okay with seeing me."

remus frowns. "you called?" reg nods. remus' face softens when he quietly asks, "did you hear the answering machine?"

"i know, it's still me." guilt continues to fill up reg's insides.

"he loves you, but you disappeared. give me some time, i'll get him for you," remus stands and pushes reg into his seat. "wait here."

they all watch remus walk outside, all of them knowing exactly where james was. after all, he kind of had nowhere else to go. remus finds james sitting outside in his car. he taps the window gently and james looks up, smiling at remus and unlocking the door.

"what are we doing here?" remus taps the side of the door with his fingers.

"panicking," james sighs. "i was just not ready."

remus nods. "it's understandable," he reaches for james' hand. "we can leave if it's so bad."

james shakes his head. "no, i have to see him anyway, after all, when you and padfoot get married, it's not like regulus won't be there right?"

remus smiles slightly and nods. "come, let's go back inside."

when they return, reg doesn't try to talk or reach for james again. instead, he stays and listens to the marauders chatter, bringing them their drinks when barty signals him to. james feels bad for the awkward energy, but he gets drunk and wasted, creating a pool of pity in his stomach.

once it reaches 8pm, a band sets up at the front of the bar and james drags peter over to listen in. the two dance and laugh to the music and soon, remus and sirius join in, reg watching them from the stools at the bartending station that lined up the side of the bar for customers.

james forgets he is conventionally attractive. as he dances and has such a great time with his friends, he catches the eye of the lead singer, who sets their eyes on james as he takes off his sweater.

"DANCING MAKES THIS PLACE SO HOT!" the group laughs and continues dancing, oblivious to the attention james was recieving.

it was nearly midnight when the band and the boys call it a night. the band stops for the next gig to play and the lead singer from earlier walks towards the quite tipsy james potter.

"hi there, handsome," the stranger smiles at james, who reciprocates with a grin.

"hi there, yourself. you've got a killer voice by the way."

"is that so?" you can hear the charismatic smirk in their voice as it forms on their face. "guess i'm dedicating tonight's performance to you...?" the end was almost questioning, this mystery man was indirectly asking for james' name.

"name's james."

"lorcan," their eyes look down at james' lips before looking back up at his eyes.

james grins and leans in closer. "you got a hot name there." james was aware he should not be letting himself get this close, but he internally shrugs, telling his future self to deal with his actions in the morning.

without thinking, the two kiss and james' arms wrap around lorcan's waist, who rubs their hands against james' biceps. "okay, mr. muscles," lorcan mumbles against his lips.

"it's potter actually," james says breathlessly.

"okay mr. potter, i'm d'eath," they press kisses along james' jaw.

james laughs. "death?"

lorc chuckles back. "ask my ancestors, i have no idea how that last name came to be."

james kisses them again before they pull apart once more, a question tugging james closer. the intoxication in both of their systems arouses them and james gets turned on at the thought of what may be in this singer's trousers.

"you wanna come over?" lorc grazes james' cheek, who nods. "perfect."

lorc tries leading james away when barty stops him. "what do you think you're doing?"

"taking this gorgeous man home," lorc glances between barty and james.

"no, you're not. he has his friends here, he will get home that way."

lorcan frowns. "he's coming over my house."

"again, i said no. now let go of him," james felt his hand be released from lorc's and he was too drunk to argue.

"bart-"

"james potter, you sodhead," barty shakes his head as he drags james away.

james laughs and he felt his head crash into someone's chest. the smell of lavendar fills his nostrils. "barty, you smell good, sorry i knocked into you, i'm hammered."

barty's amused voice sounded farther away. "no problem, mate."

"you smell soooo sweet," james mumbles as he presses closer, earning a giggle from barty. out of character, but what does james know? alcohol changes people, but barty doesn't drink during work, so again, what is james thinking?

the rest is a blur. james feels barty lead him to his car and he sits in the passenger's seat, singing to the music from the radio that barty allowed him to turn on.

james giggles. "to think! this morning, i was crying about the bloody radio!"

when they get to his house, barty rummages james' pockets for his keys and lets them both inside. james is forced onto bed, barty removing his shoes and his socks. james climbs under the blankets, barty walks around the room to look for a jumper. when he finds one, he forces james to take off his shirt and james obeys, putting on the jumper. barty climbs into bed next to him with another one of james' jumpers as well. james finds it odd when barty presses james against his chest, but he was too tired to question it. who care if barty was so weird tonight? the soft pillows draw him in and he falls asleep.

james wakes up to the essence of heat next to him on the bed and he groans. a massive headache crashes into james as he raises his head staring at the empty, but previously occupied, space on his bed. who could have been here last night? his wonder is short lived as regulus black walks in with two mugs in hand.

"reggie?" james is utterly confused, but takes the mug that reg holds out to him. "thank you."

reg doesn't respond as he sits down next to him and sips his tea.

"reg?" james takes a sip. "why are you here?"

reg bites the bottom of his lips. "i'm sorry."

"what?"

"i'm sorry i..." reg trails off but james can read it in his eyes for what he truly meant. "...and i'm sorry i came here. i just- i couldn't let you be alone. but don't worry, i'll leave and i'll get barty to give you the number of that person who made out with you last night."

james nearly spits out his tea. "i'm sorry, WHAT?"

he sees reg fighting off a smile. "were you that drunk?"

"as a matter-of-fact, i was."

reg smiles a bit. "then i'm guessing you don't remember the make-out session you had."

"no, i don't."

reg is still smiling but all of a sudden, it's wiped away and he frowns. "i'm sorry, i should go." he turns to leave.

james catches reg's hand. "no." reg looks at him, tears forming in his eyes "please."

reg sits back down and james puts down his mug to scoot closer. for a while the two sit side by side, reg's eyes glued to his own lap. james' heart wants to keep this peaceful quiet between them, but his brain wants to know the answers.

james sighs before asking, "why did you leave?"

reg inhales slightly, before choking out an answer. james realizes he was crying this whole time. "i'm sorry."

james shakes his head. "you can be sorry, but i still need to know....why did you leave? and why did you pack everything?" reg's tears fall faster and james catches them with his thumbs, rubbing them across reg's cheeks. "estrelya, you made yourself disappear. why, mahal ko? why would you separate us?"

reg's sobs grow louder and james presses his forehead against his. "i'm sorry for whatever i did, for whatever made you run. mahal ko kita, i don't ever mean to hurt you."

reg sighs and presses a kiss against james' cheek. "i thought it was over."

"este, what do you mean? ikaw lang gusto ko."

"i......i was convinced that you were too good. too good to be mine." james moves his hands to reg's, soothingly holding them. "you know how i am. i get in over my head and start pushing you away. i know it's bad and i'm sorry. but you're too good to me. to everyone. i didn't think you needed me. and then i saw you. i saw you, smiling, laughing, all the time. i wondered what you would be like without me."

"i'd be dead without you."

reg cries harder. "i know it's wrong, but i told myself, you didn't want me anymore. that i'm....i'm just a fake. you need a real girl or a real boy and i can't be either."

this strung james hard as he kisses the tip of reg's nose. "you are a real boy. you're the boy i fell in love with at 17. you're the man of my dreams. you will forever be enough, este. you never have to try to earn my love, because you are everything and more. we deserve each other because we love each other so so much."

"i'm sorry, jamie. i'm so sorry, please, please, forgive me."

james shushes reg and holds him. "baby, you've been forgiven, i love you. i will always forgive you, mahal ko."

they lay back down against the pillows as james kisses reg. reg's arms fling over james' neck and james holds him by the waist. jamie's spot. reggie's spot. they fit together like puzzle pieces who were ruined and destroyed, yet still align together, forming the last bit of the picture. they kiss like they spent decades apart but glue to each other as if they haven't spent a single second of their lives without each other.

"please don't ever leave again," james buries himself deeper in reg's chest, earning a hum that vibrates against his face. "ikaw lang forever ko."

reg understood enough to kiss the top of james' head. "et tu es à moi pour toujours," reg mumbles against his lover's hair before drifting off to sleep.