Archive of Our Own ^beta

"I'll always be in your head.", she had said. And Peggy hated that she was right.

It was a few weeks now, no, actually, a month after Dottie had just...disappeared.

And Peggy woke up dreaming of her, of her eyes, her lips, her figures, her diction, her kiss, her face, her body, her actions, her tone - just everything. Always in vague sense when she woke up, but she had a feeling it was a lot clearer during the dream; most dreams tend to be.

She heard her voice everywhere.

From the vendor at the corner, trying to sell fries and other fast-food items; the neighbour asking if they could have a pocket for food made inside their purse; the tourist asking where to go; the people who complimented her accent.

She saw her everywhere too. Blondes, blue eyes, tall figures, dancers, dangerous men - she saw Dottie in all of them.

And it was driving her crazy.

It's like she'd never disappeared.

She would wake up from these dreams, distressed, annoyed, and with a racing heart. It was either because the dream took a strange turn, a scary turn, or some other 'turn', or because she would wake up, and think that Dottie was here. Somehow, in her bedroom, and it never quite evoked the feelings it should, rather, it evoked confusing ones.

It wasn't that confusing, to be honest, if she was willing to admit that she felt the same feelings that she had felt for Steve - especially after he went into the water - for a woman.

For an enemy, yes, but also for someone of the same gender.

And the most awful thing was that Peggy had almost... If Dottie had just stayed a little longer, if she had just stuck around one more week, or even one more day. It would have been enough.

But no, the mission was done, and in a blink, she was gone. Like leaves swept away by the strong wind, where they landed was unknown. She supposed that Dottie was probably in London. She had expressed interest there, because of Peggy. Or was that a lie? She hated that she had to second-guess everything now.

Maybe if she could just stop thinking about Dottie, she wouldn't have to.

But, after a lot of thinking. Weeks of it, actually, endless, loop-like, thoughts running through her head, repetitive and impossibly quick, enough to possibly drive her crazy. She could begrudgingly admit one thing:

She wanted Dottie back.

She couldn't admit the reason, not even to herself, but she could admit that she missed her.

She didn't want to miss her.

She didn't want to think of what could have changed if she had stayed. She didn't want to feel like this with no one beside her to annoy and intrigue her enough to keep her mind away from itself.

Peggy hated that she wished Dottie was there, she hated the fact that that wish, was a constant thought. That it was even a thought, and the fact that, that sort of thought stayed in her head so often. She hated that she wished the Russian spy had stayed, and been there - because if she had been there, she could have sorted her feelings enough - with the strength that Dottie's ever-endearing gaze gave her - to admit... To...

But she couldn't. It was just - no. So she willfully remained in the dark and wondered. Wondered why she could have sworn she saw Dottie here, and there, and in that person, and that trait. Wondered why she felt her everywhere, and had that pang of pain of loss hit her, in almost the exact same way that it had after Steve?

Why did that feeling of gripping loss come back now?

She had released Steve.

Why had heart taken another? Why was she feeling like this again?

It was so cruel. Why did she fall in love develop an interest with someone who wasn't there; who wouldn't ever be there? Someone who would much rather run than stay (and for good reason)? Why did she have to always fall for the ones who wouldn't stay? Why was she so irrational? Why make such a stupid decision?

She would wake up, every morning, seeing what wasn't there, and go to sleep every night, with one wish in her mind - for Dottie to come back, for her to be here. In the same country; same city; same building; same room... Maybe even the same bed.

She wanted that feeling Dottie gave her; that all-consuming intrigue, the distraction that she was. Just the mere mention of her made her wish that she was by her side again. The mere glimpse of her, mistaken or not, drew her thoughts away from all other matters. It was akin to the way someone with an addiction would look for everything related to the product they're addicted to.

And it wasn't fair.

She was the one who left, why did Peggy have to be the one who felt like this? Did she feel like this? If she did, she wouldn't have left. She couldn't think of any sane reason beside life or death that one would put themselves through this - this torture.

Then she appears. It's like mockery, how casually she does it. She doesn't even bother to try and hide, she just does it. And Peggy does all she can to try and suppress the relief and giddiness that arises in her at the thought that Dottie must have felt the same, must have returned because it was excruciating to be apart.

Maybe now that she was back, she thinks, they might pick up where they left off. To that precipice, where Peggy was so close to that strength and security she needed in an understanding...No, Dottie was never understanding, but she was accepting. An accepting safety net.

It was like, in Dottie's eyes, whatever she did or didn't do could be no wrong; like she was perfect in everything that she did. Like even her mistakes were wonderful.

She wasn't blind. She saw the looks that Dottie would give her, the eyes she stared at her with, accompanied with a lack of shame. It was the same look Steve gave her. No, even more intense. Steve would have stopped if she betrayed his or her morals. Dottie... Dottie wouldn't. It was terrifying, but exciting, and... And everything Peggy had been missing; wanting for, since Dottie left.

She sits herself down in front of Peggy, holding a map over her face, and it's almost like that one dinner they had before her true identity was revealed; when she was asking on what sites to go, like a true tourist. But now, Peggy knows that was probably not at all true - she had probably been to all those sites and more, because she'd been a spy who'd already successfully carried out missions in various parts of America already.

And Peggy's heart beats a little faster. A smile tries to sneak its way to her lips.  Her eyes shine just a little bit more.

"Hi, Peg." Dottie smiles.

Peggy can't admit it to herself yet, too much turmoil remains in her to do so. But when Dottie smiles...

"Hello, Dottie." She replies.