Archive of Our Own ^beta

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After Castiel was thrown out by his brothers and sisters, he put on a front, acted as if it didn't bother him at all, but eventually he couldn't keep up the face. Castiel was sitting at the table in the bunker, he wasn't doing anything, just staring, he wasn't even thinking. Sam was sleeping and Dean had gone out to the store to get food, so Cas was unsure what he should do while he was waiting. Ever since he was shunned, he tried not to think about it, but recently it feels like the thoughts keep breaking their way into his head, haunting him almost.

When Castiel becomes overwhelmed he goes nonverbal for sometime, it's just been a coping mechanism for him. Castiel gets jolted out of his thoughts when he hears the bunker door open and dean stomps down the stairs holding some grocery bags. Dean walks by and pats him on the shoulder, "Whats up cas" he says as he continues over to the kitchen to put away his newly bought items. He notices Cas doesn't respond and looks back towards the angel who has a glum look on his face.

Dean gives his a questioning look, "Cas? Is something wrong?" cas just shook his head in response, however dean knew it was a lie. Castiel has always confided in Dean in the past, he knew how cas's brain worked, how castiel was so self critical, and how castiel would cope. Dean just slowly walked over to castiel and crouched down in front of him so he could see him. Dean set his hand on Castiel's knee, trying to comfort him. "Listen, I am here if or when you want to talk to me, even if you just want some company, if you need anything, I am here for you." Castiel looked away from dean and stood up as he felt tears start to prick at his eyes, he began to swiftly walk towards the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

He tried, he really tried not to cry but he couldn't hold it in anymore, how pathetic was he to be in such a state? He was an angel! He was an angel of the Lo- no... He was not such a thing anymore. His father didn't even want him. Castiel didn't even want himself, he's beginning to grow sick of who he was. Castiel was trying to be quiet, he turned the shower on in hopes that it would drown out his crying, because at this point he was in hysterics. Castiel felt his chest getting tight, he wasn't sure what to do, castiel fell to the floor and moved to the corner of the wall holding his knees. Castiel was too lost to even hear dean unlocking the door, trying to speak to cas. Castiel could feel his presence there and it was comforting in a way, he couldn't hear Dean over his own thoughts, however it was still nice feeling him there. Dean has turned off the shower because it was getting very humid.

He sat down next to Cas just holding him and rubbing his back in an attempt to comfort the angel. Castiel just leans into dean's touch, just wanting to be held. Even though Castiel had his grace back, it wasn't the same and he did sleep sometimes. This would be one of those times, Cas slowly caught his breath and his eyes began to close, the crying took a lot out of him. Once Dean realized that Cas had fallen asleep he sat there for a moment before carefully getting up, going to grab a pillow and blanket for his friend, not wanting to risk him waking up if he tried moving him.

***

When castiel woke up he had a headache and momentarily forgot about the past events leading up to this, then it all came back. He shamed himself for ever getting to that point. He got up and realized that all the lights were off, it must be night already. He went to Sam and Dean's room to check on them and they were both asleep. Castiel decided to leave, he couldn't deal with this anymore, he knew what he had to do, who he needed to find, Lucifer. Cas is at his end, he knows he shouldn't do this but he feels like he doesn't have any other options, he's at rock bottom.

Castiel walks out of the bunker and walks about 4 miles into the middle of nowhere and calls out for his brother. "LUCIFER! I know you can hear me brother, please I need your help, I will do what you ask of me as long as you help me! I will make a deal with you, just please." He screams, his throat still raw from earlier. He falls to his knees after a few minutes when nothing happens, a broken sob escapes his throat.

"Castiel, how pathetic…. begging me to fix you. Always knew you were such a child, it makes sense why all of heaven turned their backs on you." Castiel looks up from his hands and sees his brother standing in front of him with a pathetic smile plastered on his face. "Will you do it?" Lucifer cocks his head to the side and kneels down lifting castiel's jaw to force eye contact. "There's a price, but you already knew that, didn't you." Lucifer laughs as he looks at his broken brother, he can't help but enjoy it.

Lucifer stands up and wipes his knees off from kneeling in the dirt. "Go on, tell me.'' Castiel sits back on his feet and clears his throat. "I want the voices to stop, they are so loud and I just want to stop feeling like this, I don't care what it costs." Lucifer nods his head to show he is listening. "Okay, I can make it stop, all you have to do is give me your grace." Castiel goes to say something but quickly stops himself. "Okay, deal." Lucifer then walks over to Castiel and touches his forehead, there's a bright light and then Castiel is standing back in the front door of the bunker, so he just walks in.

When he starts walking down the staircase he sees Sam and Dean sitting down talking together. "Where the hell have you been?" dean says in a worried tone. "I was taking a walk." Castiel says as he sits in one of the chairs at the head of the table. Castiel just looks at his hands and picks at his hangnails for comfort. Now the reality of the situation is hitting him. What had he done…

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The next morning he woke up, sweating and breathing fast. He quickly looks around his room and then he sees someone, someone sitting in the corner of his room, is his chair. They slowly get up and walk towards Castiel who is paralyzed with fear. "You know Castiel, I think you and I need to catch up a little." Castiel recognized that voice. He went hot with fear. "Naomi? But you're dead!" Castiel says a little too loud. She begins to stalk towards him. Castiel keeps scooting farther away from her, trying to keep the distance. Eventually he falls off of the bed not realizing how far he was to the edge. He grabs his angel blade from his night stand and goes into the corner of the wall and curls into a ball shaking.

"Come on Castiel, we had so much fun together, I know that you enjoyed it just as much as I did." Naomi was getting closer to him with each passing second. "NO! LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU'RE DEAD! LEAVE! STOP!" Castiel kept yelling out as he began to hyperventilate. Suddenly his bedroom door busts open and Dean comes in with his gun out, he turns on the overhead light to see Castiel curled up in the corner breathing fast, muttering nonsense.

Dean warily walks over to Cas, trying to be careful. "Cas? Buddy, are you okay?" Dean spoke in a soft tone, yet Castiel did not respond to Dean, as if he couldn't see or hear him. Dean kept creeping over to Castiel when he was about 2 feet from the boy. Dean tried laying a hand on Castiel's shoulder. "NO! Get AWAY from me!" Castiel yelled as he swung the angel blade at Dean, to which Dean quickly grabbed the angel's wrist and dropped his gun onto the floor to restrain the boy. Sam heard what was going on and came in to help. "Cas, listen to me, what you're seeing isn't real, okay? It's me, Dean. C'mon buddy, I know you can get out of this.

Sam and Dean were now both holding Castiel down in attempts to make sure he doesn't hurt them or himself. "STOP! I WON'T KILL HIM, PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME!" Castiel kept repeating. Sam gave Dean a questioning glare, Dean just gave him one back, neither of them had a clue what was going on.

"Castiel you know you can't kill me. You tried and always failed, just like how you failed heaven. You're a failure Castiel." Naomi crouches down and puts a hand on Castiel's cheek, at this point he has given up, and he just Leans into the touch undefeated.

Dean tried putting his hand on his friend's face and when he did, Castiel instantly melted into his hand. It hurt to see his friend like this. "That's it, there ya go buddy, just breathe." Castiel seemed calm enough where Sam also let go of the boy's wrists. Castiel started to come to, when he was finally back he opened his eyes warily to meet the soft green eyes of Dean. Dean just gave him a look as if to say 'It's okay, I got you.' Castiel, feeling more comfortable now, laid his head into Dean's chest, not even seeing that Sam was also there.

Castiel began to cry from what he had just gone through, he gripped deans shirt and let it out. Dean just sat there and held him as Sam decided it was best if he left the room. Dean's shirt got very wet from the tears, but he didn't care. He would do anything for Cas, and right now Cas needed him. Castiel finally stopped the tears and sniffed a bit to try to clean up. He pulled back from deans shirt and wiped his face on his own. "Sorry about your shirt. I understand how it may be uncomfortable to have my bodily fluids on your clothing." Dean just chuckles at this very much Castiel like response. "It's okay, I can just switch shirts." Castiel gives Dean a quick smile. "I suppose that is an option." Dean fluffs Castiel's hair. "Cas-" Castiel interjects deans sentence.

"No, I would not like to speak about what happened right now, maybe it is best for me to just relax for a while, I fear I am not in a good mindset to talk about it." Castiel cleared his throat and stood up making his way back over to his bed and sitting down on the edge, looking at Dean. "Well you know where I will be if you need me, do you want me to get you anything before I go back to my room?" Dean stands up walking towards the bedroom room. "I think I'm okay, but thank you Dean and thank you for being here when I was in that state." Castiel keep his gaze on the floor.

Dean softly smiles to himself. "Anytime buddy." Just like that dean walks out of Castiel's room shutting the door behind him. Now Castiel was left alone once more.

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I didnt end up going to bed that night, how could I? I had just seen the person who ruined me beyond what I thought was possible. To be totally honest, I'm scared, I'm scared that I will go to bed and she will come to me again. I know that I shouldn't have trusted Lucifer, he has screwed me over and I'm not sure how I will tell Sam and Dean about this, I am not sure that I want to, they will be disappointed in me, just as I am with myself.

I get up off my bed, and I walk out of my room into the library. I sit down at the table and I open up Dean laptop that he had left sitting out as per usual. I decide that maybe the internet can help me, even if I don't trust it, I dont have many options left. So I open up Google, click on the search bar and get to work. First I look up 'Why am I always sad?' Which leads me down a loophole, blah blah something about depression, then I end up learning about ways to treat it, then how different people have learned how to cope. I see that some people have discussed using 'weed' and other drugs to help with these symptoms.

Maybe that could work, since I don't quite understand the other methods, maybe I can give this a try. I go back to my room since its around 10AM right now, and Sam and Dean are still In their rooms, I decide to go out in search of what I need. So I throw on my clothes and my shoes and grab my phone and car keys and leave my room. I go and knock on Deans door to let him know I'm going out. "Come in." Dean answered in response to my knocks. "Hello Dean, I am going to be going out to the store to grab some things, do you want anything while I am there?" Dean looks up from his desk and stops writing on the sheet of paper that lay in front of him.

"Uhm I think I'm good Cas, but thank you for asking" Dean then looks back down at the paper and I leave the room, closing the door behind me. I head for the bunker door and then make my way into the city.

***

Once I arrive I park in a random restaurant parking lot. I then make my way through the city, walking on the sidewalk, he has been observing humanity enough to know where he needs to go to get what he needs. He arrives in an alleyway to find an old friend his, max, a well known drug dealer in the city. I had met him when I was lost one night out, and they had kept in touch after that. "Hey Cas! How have you been man? Haven't seen you in a while." Max says in a joyful tone, and he pulls me into a hug, I let him hug me as I just sit there and accept my fate as my hand dangle beside my body. I was never much of a hugger with some people.

I give the man a pat on his back and pull away with a half fake smile plastered on my face as to not let him know I didn't enjoy the hug. "I've not been doing the best actually, that's actually the reason I had come to see you, I need your help." Max makes an 'oh' with his mouth and nods his head in an understanding. "How about this, lets go to the bar around the corner and talk, drinks on me?" Max says and points in the direction of the bar. I nod my head and smile at him and we began to walk to the bar.

Once we enter the bar we walk to the bartop and take a seat to which Max orders us shots to go ahead and get everything started, before we can talk I go ahead and down mine and ask for another from the very sweet bartender, he had black hair and sweet blue eyes that when the light hit them they were illuminated so magically. He flashed me a gorgeous smile and then went to grab me another shot. When he slid the drink in front of me we made eye contact for an odd amount of time but I didn't mind that much. I looked back over to Max and let out the breath I was holding. I went on to explain how Ive even feeling and how I have been depressed recently, and how I wanted to get into trying some methods. "Do you think you can help me with that?" I said in an unsure tone.

Max looked at me with a sad look on his face. "Look Cas, I want to but I care about you, I don't want you to get yourself into a situation that you cant get out of." Max stated firmly and looked back down at the drink in his hands and finished it. at this point they had both had about 4 shots. "Please max, I am not sure how I can deal with this. You have to help me, Ill do anything, please." Max gave me a look of confusion. "I said no, I cant be at fault when I have to watch your life go downhill. It would be on me and you have to understand that, I know you Castiel, you can figure this out on your own, I know you can." With that max stood up, "Hey, go ahead and close my tab." he said to the bartender.

"Sure thing max." the bartender said, they were on a first name basis since this was a place that max frequented. I was in disbelief that I had just been turned down by my friend. "Can you grab me another?" I said to the bartender as I held up my glass. "Of course handsome." the man grabbed the glass out of my hand, our fingers brushing as he did so. The bartender turned his back to get a refill for me and I heard the bar door close as Max left. "There ya go." The man slid the glass over to me and I gave a smile to him as a thanks. "So how do you know max? No offence but you two don't exactly look like you would enjoy each others company if you know what I mean." I have a little chuckle at this question. "None taken, he had helped me a while back when I was lost in the city, and I felt like I owed it to him to keep in contact In case he needed me."

The bartender clicked his tongue and nodded his head. "I see, that's very nice of you, to do for him."

" I guess so, although it seems I have needed him more than he has needed me" I said and downed the next shot, this one having an odd taste to it but I decided to chalk it up as a bad drink.

"I get what you mean. So whats your name? I've never seen you around here before." The guy walks forward a little taking the glass and setting It in the sink.

"Castiel, you?"

"Eli." he says with a grin on his face.

"Well Eli I don't come around this part of the city much, I usually just stay at home, but maybe I should start coming out more." I say matching the facial expression of the other boy.

***

Its been about 45 minutes since my last drink, Eli and I have just been making casual conversation. I start to feel unwell, not just from the drinks, I know what that feels like, this feeling is different. I start to feel sick to my stomach and disoriented, as if I'm not in control of myself.

"Hey Eli, I really think I should go, I don't seem to be feeling very well." I say as I try to stand from the bar stool and almost fall so I reach out and grab the counter for support, I feel myself starting to sweat.

"whoa whoa be carefully Castiel." Eli says as he runs from behind the bar and grabs onto Castiel's shoulders to stabilize him more.

"I feel really unwell, can you please get my phone out of my pocket, I need for you to call someone for me." My knees feel weak and everything is going foggy, I feel elis hands on me searching for my phone, I think…

"Its dead, but I can take you back to my place and charge it and let you rest so you feel better." Eli says helping me up from the ground

I don't respond, I cant really hear very well, everything is one big blurry mess, I don't know what is happening but I cant do anything about it right now, I am powerless in this mans hands. I hear a car door unlock and I am being tossed into the back seat, I just fall into the car laying down. Eli gets into the car and drives us to what I'm assuming is his house.

Somehow we end up walking into his bedroom, I don't remember getting up out of the car or how I ended up in his bed with him undressing me.

"Wait what are you doing? Where am I at?" I say with a confused look on my face as I pathetically try to stop him from pulling down my pants but it's utterly useless as he holds my hands above my head with one hand easily, I'm unsure of what to do, I just let it happen, maybe I want this.

I felt his take off my pants and run his hands along my legs up to my stomach, he then pulls my shirt off, he licks my nipple and starts to kiss down to my waistband and I squirm under him, enjoying it. I didn't want this but my body is telling a different story. My underwear gets tight with anticipation. he starts to rub me through my underwear, which elicited a whine out of me. I try to push into his hand to get more.

"ah ah ah look at you, so needy. Once I saw you I just couldn't help myself, such a pretty boy, so broken, so pathetic, just begging for someone to use you." He starts to pull down my waistband of my underwear and my erection hits my stomach. I groan at this.

***

He is thrusting in and out of me, I don't have memory of how it got to this, everything is still fuzzy and my body starts to hurt everywhere, my wrists are being held above me and I start to cry. I don't want this.

"Please Eli, stop please, I don't want this, it hurts." I let out through a sob but he only starts doing it harder.

"Oh look at you, so powerless, what are you going to do about it baby?"

"Please stop, how did I even get here?"

"You begged for it don't you remember?" he states as he starts to rub my dick.

I moan from the feeling not answering the question.

***

I wake up in an alleyway with my shirt and underwear being the only thing I have on, and only my cellphone with me. My wallet and keys are nowhere to be found. I open my phone to try to call someone and my head is pounding, I don't really remember what happened, only bits and pieces. something was very wrong.