Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kris didn’t belong here.

“Here” wasn’t anywhere in particular, really. Kris had thought they didn’t belong many times, whether it be their own home (a human in a family of monsters, where they wished they could tear out all their human features to replace it to be the same), the town they lived in (they were only the creepy human at the top of town, of course, “Oh, that’s Toriel’s kid? Gosh, first it was the divorce, then Asriel left, and now… I feel so bad for her…”) and recently, with the friends they’ve made, be it lightner or darkner (they were surrounded by people but blurred were their surroundings and muffled were their sensations and angel, all they were was alone.) Although, it wouldn’t feel right to call them their friends, after all.

Kris didn’t want to continue that line of thought.

Sitting on this mildly uncomfortable couch in the dead of night brought them back to this familiar feeling of not belonging, regardless of being near people they were close to. Their mom slept peacefully from the chair across the room. Susie snored lightly from beside them, her limbs strewn across the couch carelessly.

Glancing towards Susie, Kris’ heart ached, a little bit. They could talk to her about all this. She would… understand, right? Both of them could figure something out. She could help them through this. There has to be something they could do. Maybe they… they didn’t have to be alone… they didn’t need to be alone…

They didn’t want…

…

If only it was that simple.

Kris dug into their chest harshly, searching for their SOUL and digging their nails into it. Each second felt agonizing, fire erupting from that meeting point, burning, melting, suffocating, they were going to die here, the useless, selfish, pathetic thing they were-

They ripped their hand out with the last bit of strength they had, gasping for air as quietly as they could. Heavily breathing, they peered down at the cause of their current state.

The entity people referred to as “Kris” was clutched in Kris’ hand, beating and pulsating, lit with a soft red glow that felt the exact opposite of inviting. Staring at their “SOUL” for too long reminded Kris of the achingly empty feeling inside of them that desperately screamed for the SOUL back, unable to breathe without it, live, exist-

Kris stuffed the heart-shaped object in between the couch cushions roughly, pushing it as far as it could go. Satisfied it wouldn’t be able to escape, they took a step back that ended up being more of a stumble. Their legs felt drained of any energy.

Not just their legs, even, their whole body was utterly sore and aching. Their will to move, to take a step, lay in the SOUL. Resisting the debilitating urge to fall to the floor, Kris dragged their feet to the front door and pulled it open roughly.

The door broke the quiet with a harsh creaking sound. Metaphorical heart jumping into their throat, their eyes flitted away from their semblance of freedom and back to the living room. Susie’s snores stopped. Kris quieted their ragged breaths as much as possible, praying to the angel that…

Susie began snoring louder than the door’s sound, much to Kris’ relief. They started to limp out the doorway and into the street, crossing the first threshold to what would ultimately end in…

They’d think about that later.

Dim street lights lit the pavement, glowing eerily in the dark. It barely lit the path, but Kris had been this way many times before. The cold autumn night air washed over them with light winds, yet each sensation seemed so much more magnified in their state. The human’s limbs felt frozen, once again screaming at them to “go back, go back, you need it, you need the SOUL to live-”

…

Their destination wasn’t far.

Although, as Kris stumbled along this familiar route, shoes scratching against the pavement, head pulsing in exhaustion, guilt began to weigh down on them, crawling up their spine and into their head.

This entity, the SOUL… they were doing good things, weren’t they? The dark worlds were unfamiliar, but… the SOUL was doing a great job of being a leader. They made friends with the enemies, they spared the evil, they closed the fountains…

Kris struggled to breathe. They kept moving.

The SOUL made friends with Susie, Ralsei, and even Noelle, whom Kris had blatantly ignored during all these years. They all go on adventures, complete these quests, save the world… Everyone has fun.

Kris’ muscles screamed. They kept moving.

Their mom was glad they were finally making friends. She doesn’t have to worry about them anymore, they’re doing good things, they’re moving on to be a productive person…

Kris’ eyesight grew blurry. They kept moving.

The SOUL did the right thing, helped everyone, and turned Kris into a good person. Turned Kris into everything they weren’t. They’re the only problem in this paradise the SOUL loves.

Kris could hardly hear their thoughts over their headache. They kept moving.

Their mom was happy. Susie was happy. Noelle was happy. Ralsei was happy. The darkners were happy. Kris was…

…

Kris trudged up to the school, nearly falling over as they tried to pull the doors open. Locked, of course. Clumsily pulling out a hairpin from their pocket, they jammed it into the lock.

…Is what they would’ve done, if they hadn’t missed by a couple centimeters. Their eyesight was swimming, dots of static littering their peripheral vision. Kris grits their teeth, fumbling with the hairpin’s direction until it manages to stick into the lock.

Lock-picking was the opposite of an easy task, especially considering their disoriented state. Thankfully, their old pranks had resulted in them being fairly skilled at this. It didn’t take long for the door to unlock with a light click.

Kris ignored the blood that coated their hands.

The door felt like it weighed three times as much as usual, but they pulled it open regardless. Moonlight leaked into the corridor, its illumination emphasizing how desolate the school was at this hour. It was unfamiliar to see the school like this, to say the least.

Their chest seethed, a fresh wave of agony rolling over them. Kris doubled over and bit back the scream crawling up their throat. Their skin, a mask painfully stretching over their broken insides, pulsed with their internal lacking. The hallway was unsettlingly silent, the only sounds being shaky inhales, clumsy footsteps, and the blood dripping from their sweater and onto the school floor. The air smelled of sweat and metal.

The closet door lay in front of them, darkness seeping through the cracks.

Kris pushed against the door, bloodied hands fighting at the doorknob carelessly. The door flew open with a light pull. Wisps of darkness licked at their beat-up sneakers from inside, beckoning them almost gently. A muffled sort of tranquility seeped through their sweater sleeves and into their skin. They breathed.

After a sharp inhale, they threw themself into the void, letting the pure darkness consume their mortal body.

-

The floor of Castle Town hit Kris at full force as they landed face-first onto the ground. Dirtied fingernails dug into the strangely colored dark world dirt, pushing themself up with nothing but a twisted sense of determination in their veins. Looking up from blue hands, they took in the surroundings.

Ralsei’s castle was up ahead, of course, the mysteriously glowing dark fountain pushing into the never-ending inky sky. It hummed, brimming with darkness, yet with an unexplainable hope. It flowed endlessly, providing life to this world of fake objects and fake people who didn’t truly know their purpose in the first place. The SOUL had puppeted Kris around, helping their friends create this supposed utopia, but for what? Susie didn’t know none of it was real. Ralsei claims the only way he could be fulfilled is to help the lightners. This was never meant to last.

Kris pushed themself up on shaky limbs. Their armor felt as if it weighed two times the amount, pushing against their form and threatening them to fall to the ground. Wobbling and stumbling, they grit their teeth and pushed forward. They tried not to think.

Once nearing the town, they turned left. Each step was exhausting with their armor’s weight. Sweating, exasperated, and nauseous, they discarded the armor roughly and dropped it on the ground with a heavy thud. They continued. Boots clicking against the ground, they could almost walk normally, but the itching of their hands and their wants and their needs were omnipresent; they either needed the SOUL or they needed to get rid of their existence in this world, both light and dark.

Only when Kris nearly tripped over a rock did they realize they were at the cliff. Dragging their head upwards, they peered into the dark and to the top. Their eyes traced the jagged edges and tilted platforms to reach it as they considered if climbing this was possible. The sudden aching pulse from their lack of SOUL finalized what little resolution they had as they placed their hand on a pointed ledge.

Kris wouldn’t say they were scared. They had faced terror, whether it be in the Light World or the Dark World. But experiencing a combination of nausea, weakness, trembling, and the pangs emanating from their hollow chest while gripping for dear life on a fairly high protrusion was not ideal. Their muscles screamed with the constant push and pull. Leg over, pull up, hand reaching, hold it, come on, dammit–

Dragging themselves over the ledge with their last bit of strength, Kris rolled onto their back carelessly and wheezed, their limbs laid carelessly against the hard surface. Breathing, they looked through their bangs and into the dark. They could see the fountain from here. It was mesmerizing, really, the dark that billowed and spilled out from above and below and everywhere, animating life and joy and they could just fall asleep here, huh, it would be so simple…

Kris pushed themselves up with some amalgamation of force they’d created through sheer determination and groaned, ignoring the enticing calls of sleep. Not yet. They dug inside their inventory for the weapon that their comically small pencil would’ve turned into. Their regular sword would only end up being inconvenient for this, after all.

The pencil had turned into a sharp dagger, oddly blunt at some edges and the handle nearly broken. It radiated with a dark glow, sending an uncomfortable prickly sensation through their veins. Hard to describe. Maybe there was more consideration when turning a Light World object into a Dark World object after all…

Didn’t matter. None of this matters anymore. Kris’ exhaustion weighed them down from where the SOUL once was, threatening to force them to the ground in a pathetic little cluster of matter. They had to finish this. Everything will be fixed. If they don’t, it’s all going to blow up and break apart and they’re going to be alone, they’re going to be so alone and isolated as a living corpse with no motivator because even the SOUL wouldn’t stick around to witness it, to witness their end. This is simpler. Easier.

Kris held the dagger over their abdomen, lifting their clothing with a wavering hand. For some odd, undecipherable reason, they lightly traced a few lines against their skin, leaving bleeding red marks that stung against the cool air around them. They couldn’t fathom why they were delaying this, but would it be selfish to give in to their desires just this once? Angel, they haven't had any chance to make their own choices, they just need this, they need this time to truly feel-

Kris grits their teeth together at the sharp pain from pressing too hard. Blood slowly leaked from the cut, rolling down against their skin in a small droplet. They were so tired. They hated this. They hated all of this. They hated living, they hated being controlled, they hated being dragged around like a damn puppet. Yet most of all, they hated how much better the SOUL was, they hated everything good that it’s done, they hated how no one noticed it wasn’t them because everyone’s so happy that Kris is finally becoming a productive person, finally getting over Dess and Asriel and their depression, and finally becoming fucking normal.

Tears wet their cheeks, blurring their vision from the mess they’ve made. Wiping their eyes with their free hand, Kris eyed the blood that stained their abdomen with a numb feeling. The stinging sensation danced across their skin, sending jolts of pain down their nerves with every press of the dagger. Their skin was littered with red slices, bleeding and crying in that contrasting red versus blue, reflecting against the blade like city lights. Angel, shit, shit, they were going to be sick; they were going to throw up their tears and their blood and the SOUL they never had.

Their mind felt scattered across the light world, across dark worlds, across people and their admittedly short life, and shit they’d delayed this for too long. They’ve lost their sense of time, their senses were foggy and numb and sick and nauseated; Kris never liked the color red. Briefly, for a moment, they wondered if Susie knew that. They wondered if Susie truly knew anything about Kris Dreemurr. They might have even laughed at that thought, but their throat was dry from crying and they just wanted to get this over with.

Their hands were cold. Their hands were blue, unnatural, a lie, a facade, but wasn’t that fitting? That’s who they were without the SOUL. Susie would probably be disgusted if she knew Kris. Kris didn’t belong here. They didn’t belong here. Their freezing, shaking hands held up the dagger to where the SOUL would’ve been. They stared, their vision blurred, they were trembling, exhaustion reigned over their shoulders and taunted them with blinks of unconsciousness. They didn’t belong here. They never belonged here.

“Kris?”

The voice from behind them was small, unsure, and most strangely: scared. Kris had never heard Ralsei sound so scared before. From somewhere in their mind, they wondered what his expression would be. They wondered if even his fear would look like Asriel’s. They didn’t have it in them to turn around. Maybe if they didn’t look, maybe if they didn’t see it, maybe it would mean they just imagined his voice-

“K-Kris? …Are you okay?”

They didn’t know.

“What… H-Hey, let’s put that down, alright?”

Distantly, Kris felt Ralsei take the bloody dagger from their shaking hands. His hands were warm. They wanted to lean into the feeling. They felt so tired. It would be so easy to fall asleep.

Only when Ralsei began to use his healing spell did Kris realize what was going on. Abruptly, they scrambled upwards, involuntarily knocking Ralsei to the floor in the process. Kris seethed with the sudden pain from their chest and abdomen, the aching pulse in their chest making itself present and worse than before. They needed to get out. They needed to move. Shit shit fucking hell RUN-

Stumbling over their feet, Kris ignored the increasing nausea and agony as they ran. The world around them moved in a blur despite their likely slow speed, their head pounding and nearly sending them to the floor. Everything was scrambled and messed up, this wasn’t how it was supposed to go, they fucked up, they’re going to be alone again, they could hardly keep moving-

“Kris, wait!”

The hard ground hit Kris at full force from tripping on an unseen rock. They collided with the ground, limbs scraped from the force. Their burning wounds were quiet compared to the exploding pain from their head, screaming with lights and sounds and sensations yet still on the brink of unconsciousness. Fighting their domineering fatigue, their stained hands pushed against the ground using aching muscles.

It was no use. They couldn’t get up. Their head was reeling, static and tears engulfing their sight and joining the puddle of blood from below them. They failed. They didn’t belong here. Everything was going to fall apart. Their world, their life, their body was tearing into two, ripping apart, they ruined everything, they ruined themself, this need, burning, stabbing, scorching-

Footsteps pattered from behind their collapsed form. A trembling, fuzzy hand grasped their shoulder, sending warmth and nostalgia and nausea rolling through them again.

Ralsei’s voice was shaky. “Please, d-don’t run, you’re hurt, let’s-”

“Y-You don’t…” Every syllable felt forced, as if thorns were crawling up Kris’ throat, “get it. You want… th-that thing back, the SOUL, that- ghh- that parasite, huh?

Ralsei’s grip wavered. “Kris, what…? I-I don’t…”

Kris wheezed out a sound that could almost be a laugh. Their voice was raspy and burning. “I’m not a… hero o-of light. I-I’m not what… y-you want… right?”

Kris couldn’t move, couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. They couldn’t stop. “You- hhn- knew a-about it. I-It was the… the hero, not- not me. It… angel, it hurts, Ralsei, y-you knew and didn’t do shit-”

Ralsei’s breathing became erratic. “I-I- Kris, I just- I want what’s best for you and the prophecy said-”

"Then let me die!” Kris screamed, their lungs burning, their nails scratching against the ground and begging for escape, they needed to run, their mind was tearing at the seams and their wounds were tearing open, they were breaking, they couldn’t think, couldn’t move, fuck, it hurts-

* Ralsei cast PACIFY!

…

Everything went quiet.

Chapter Text

They always seem to come back here.

“Kriiis, that wasn't funny!!” Noelle cried, her face twisted into a pout. The cause of her distress was now in the grass of the Holidays’ backyard, all of its eight legs miraculously still attached. The unusually large spider waddled about, crawling closer to Noelle, much to her terror. Kris giggled, their red eyes crinkling. They bent down, holding their horns up with one hand and reaching for the spider with the other. Shrieking, Noelle scampered into the house, distantly yelling about Kris’ horrible prank, even though it was very funny.

The eight-legged creature crawled around in Kris’ dirtied hands. They were so busy watching it in fascination that they almost didn’t notice Dess and Azzy coming from the back door of the house.

“Kris,” Dess warned playfully, her wiffle bat set against her hand as a warning. “What did I tell you about terrorizing my sister?” Kris stuck their tongue out in retaliation.

“Oh, you little…” Kris began running, their muddy sneakers squelching in the freshly mowed grass. Dess ran after them, distantly yelling for them to get back there before she stole all their chocolate. While considering whether she would actually steal it or not, Kris felt their right foot collide with an above-average-sized rock, resulting in them tragically face-planting into the dirt.

Before they could react, they felt an arm wrap around their abdomen and scoop them up. Dess bonked the Kris tucked under her arm with her wiffle bat, carrying them over to Noelle and Azzy.

“That’s what you get for pranking Noelle.” Dess grinned, her braces glinting in the sunlight. Kris glared, rubbing at the dirt that now caked their face.

They mumbled, “I thought it was very funny.”

“Kris, I don’t think Noelle thought you putting spiders in her hair telling her they were ‘special flowers’ you found was very funny,” Dess stated lightheartedly, looking towards them in question. Kris pouted.

“It was only one…”

“One what?”

“...Spider.”

Dess sighed, setting Kris on the ground. Bending to their height, she offered, “Tell you what, Krismas. If you don’t prank Noelle for the next two weeks, I’ll give you some chocolate from my Halloween stash.”

Kris lit up, their half-formed plan for revenge immediately leaving their mind. “Full-size bar?”

Dess smiled despite the future loss of chocolate. “Yes, the full-sized bar.”

“Deal.”

Kris skipped over to Azzy giddily, excited that they wouldn’t have to sneakily take the chocolate from Mom anymore. Not that they aren’t able to. They’re very sneaky. It’s just inconvenient. They guessed they could miss pranking Noelle for two weeks…

Noelle eyed their smiley expression with suspicion. She smelled like the peppermint hand soap the Holidays keep in the bathroom. The soap that did not taste as good as it smelled. Unfortunately. Her hair seemed slightly damp too. Just as Kris was about to claim the spider was not that bad-

“Azzy, does Toriel need you guys home early? ‘Cause I found a great place for the Hometown Super Squad to investigate,” Dess grinned widely, gesturing her bat toward the four of them.

Azzy groaned. “Don’t call us that. And, I don’t think so? But is there a reason we have to check it out at night?”

Dess gasped dramatically, “Because everything’s more exciting in the dark! Obviously.” Kris nodded their head in agreement. “See, Kris knows what I mean!”

“This better not be a repeat of what happened in the graveyard…” He sighed, glancing at his watch as he did so. The sun was beginning to set, splaying light from behind tree branches. “What place would we be checking out?”

Dess leaned against the wall of her house, idly tossing her bat between her hands as she spoke. Kris followed the motion with their eyes. “Y’know that weird locked bunker near the graveyard? When you go left of the church and into that little path in the-”

“You wanna go there?” Azzy blurted, his eyebrows furrowed. He glanced off to the side. “…I-I don’t know, Dess, maybe it’s locked for a reason.”

“Even better!” Dess grinned, “Isn’t that why we’re going in the first place?”

Azzy appeared extremely hesitant. “I don’t think Mom would want me to take Kris there, and-“

“Aww, c’mon! You know I’d never let anything bad happen to Kris!” Dess looked at Kris in a friendly manner, her brown hair glowing in the sunlight. “Ain’t that right, Krismas?”

Kris jumped in excitement. “Yep! Dess is right, Azzy, and the graveyard was fun too, y’knowww-“

“That’s not-“ Azzy cut himself off, groaning in frustration. Kris didn’t understand what the problem was. It’s not like anything bad would happen.

Azzy leaned over to Dess, murmuring something along the lines of “talk” and “over there.” She nodded, directing her attention to Kris and Noelle.

“Hey, you two go play, alright? I’ll try to convince Azzy,” Dess winked at Kris, walking towards where Azzy was waiting. “Don’t forget our deal, Kris!”

Kris glanced at Noelle, already speculating what game they could play that didn’t involve another super funny prank. They paused. Noelle was fidgeting with the hem of her dress, something like hesitation on her face. With the setting sun glowing behind her, she kind of looked like an angel.

“Kris, I don’t really think going to that… bunker place… is a good idea…” Noelle mumbled, her eyes directed to the ground.

Kris grinned, pushing their weight onto their toes. “You scared?”

“N-No! Well…” Noelle hesitated. “Maybe. I’m worried it won’t be the… fun type of scary, and… and something bad might happen. And Azzy said that-”

Kris groaned, cutting Noelle off abruptly. “Ughh, did Azzy tell you those stories about the bunker, too? Don’t listen to him.” Kris kicked a small rock absentmindedly. “He just got those stories from Mom after he got lost after school one day and’s been scared ever since.”

“But that means your mom told him that, right?” Noelle fiddled with her hands. “Moms don’t lie, so that just means it’s even more dangerous than I thought.”

“Whaaat? Where’dja get that from?” Kris swung one leg in place, playing a game of avoid-the-rock. “My mom lies all the time, like when she tells people how good my grades are, or how good Azzy’s macaroni art is, or how ICE-E isn’t real and doesn’t eat kids even though he totally-”

“No he doesn’t, ICE-E isn't even real! Dess told me so!” Noelle huffed, her arms crossed.

Kris resisted the urge to grin. “What do you meaaan? Didn’t I tell you before? Last time I went to ICE-E’s, he started moving when nobody was looking and snuck up on this poor, inconspicuous little kid! They didn’t even have time to-”

“Stooop!” Noelle whined with her hands now over her ears. “Dess already told me he’s not real!”

“Poor Noelle, the next victim of ICE-E’s rampage, all because she didn’t listen to her very truth-telling classmate Kris! How unfortunate…” Kris teased in a droll voice, despite their telling smile.

Noelle pouted, her arms returning to cross over her chest. “Well, all I wanted to say is that I don’t think going to that bunker is a good idea. But if Dess’ going, then I guess I’ll go with…”

“It’s fiiiine, Noelle, Dess can protect you from any ICE-E’s that might be hiding in the bunker! Probably.”

Kris finally let their giggles escape as Noelle kicked a rock at them.

They wished they could go back.

-

Kris noticed three things as they pulled their eyelids open. One: Their chest felt much heavier than it did before, two: they were in their personalized room in Castle Town, and three: they had an overwhelming urge to slam their head into the wall until they died from the brain injury, but unfortunately, they had a witness sitting beside their bed.

Fortunately, however, Noelle hadn’t noticed their newfound, miserable consciousness. They didn’t exactly have the willpower to question why and how she was here, how long it’s been, and all the other terrible, mental-breakdown-inducing questions, because they were currently preoccupied with a question of how the hell they fucked up this badly-

“It doesn’t matter, Ralsei! They’re a person, not a pawn in this- this prophecy!” Kris strained their ears at the sound of Susie’s aggravated voice from behind the door. “Same goes for you! I don’t know how many damn times I have to say it to get through your thick skull!”

Ralsei’s voice was much quieter as he spoke, “I- I know that! I do, really, I just didn’t know the details…” His tone was clearly stressed. Kris didn’t know how to feel. “The prophecy said it was good, and everything seemed fine-”

“Everything seemed fine?!” Susie scoffed, her disbelief apparent. “Did you SEE them after that… that Spamton guy? Did you not piece it together?! Strings, puppets… angel, I didn’t get what he was saying at first, but now…” She trailed off.

Kris couldn’t move. They could hardly breathe, the new weight in their chest pulled them down, further, they were sinking, how were they supposed to go out there and explain, or talk, or even-

“Kris…? A- Are you awake?”

Noelle’s voice pricked at their ears, what would've been a melodic, nostalgic sound turned into the new cause of the nausea pooling in their stomach. Kris wanted to run, they wanted to get out, yet they willed their body to freeze in hopes that Noelle wouldn’t realize they were awake. Maybe if they could just wait for the opportunity…

“Susie, I…” Ralsei was quiet. “It’s- it’s just all I’ve ever known. The prophecy. I couldn’t believe… that the person who was… controlling Kris could be bad.” They didn’t want to think about it. They didn’t want to think about it.

“You didn’t want to believe it, did you?” Susie snapped, low and furious. “There were so many signs, yet you- you were just happy they were helping, huh? No matter who it-“

“No, I-” Ralsei stumbled over his words, stress leaking into his words. “I- I didn’t know Kris was in pain! I just wanted to follow the prophecy, and it said this was the way to stop the Roaring-“

“Kris…” Noelle’s voice was soft. It burned. Their insides were turning, melting- “I know you’re awake. You’re shaking.”

“Why should I give one shit about the Roaring?!” Kris nearly flinched at Susie’s muffled yell. “Kris tried to kill themself over this, and I would be damned if I let my friend continue to suffer as a… a puppet, who cares if the world goes to shit.”

Ralsei didn’t respond for a few moments. Kris heard rustling from behind them as if Noelle was going to the door. Once Ralsei spoke again, the sound paused.

“...I'm sorry. I don’t…” He grew silent, then continued, “I don’t think I can handle this right now.” The sound of soft footsteps arose from behind the door. “...I’ll see what I can do about their SOUL, alright?”

Silence. It hung above them like a threat. Despite the uncomfortable feeling of it, Kris wished it would stay so they wouldn’t have to listen to what would surely ensue. Especially when they heard the sound of the door creaking open and Noelle’s quiet murmurs.

“Kris?” Susie stepped into the room, her tone somewhat wavering. They’d heard her sound nervous, sure, earlier (was it earlier? How long has it been since then?) at their house, but it was nothing like this. She hesitated, before taking a breath and muttering, “What the hell, man?”

Kris didn’t speak. Ironically, they finally had the freedom to speak for themself yet denied it. It wasn't right.

They heard a chair behind them creak. “Y’know you could’ve told me anything, right?”

It wasn’t that simple. It was so much more than that.

“I wouldn’t’ve… thought you were a burden, or lying, or any stupid shit you might’ve come up with. I thought we…”

Susie left a suffocating pause hanging in the air for a while before speaking again.

“W- We’re friends, yeah?”

But was it really Kris that Susie was friends with? Did those small moments constitute that, or was it the bigger picture? Did Susie feel they were friends when Kris protected her from the Spade King, or because the SOUL led the party on all these fun adventures that served as an escape from reality?

Words were mumbled into their pillow. “...I don’t know.”

Susie’s silence left a feeling of tension in the room. Kris knew she had to be angry underneath, with how one of her first friends in Hometown couldn’t even say the same about her. They expected her to lash out, to snap, to leave them there and never look back, yet… Susie was strangely silent.

Kris turned to look at her, ignoring the strange weight from the SOUL as they pushed themself up onto one elbow. Susie wore a solemn look, her gaze to the floor and her hands resting on her knees.

She quirked an eyebrow at Kris’ confusion. “Did you expect me to storm out or something?”

They looked away.

“I mean, yeah. Sure, I’m mad,” Susie began, her claws tapping against her knee almost casually. “The only friend I have in Hometown was controlled every time they talked to me, and I don’t even know what… being friends is supposed to look like, but mostly…” She paused, all motion stopping for a moment. “I’m mad at myself.”

Susie sighed, crossing her arms over her chest. “I’m just… mad that you didn’t think you could tell me what was… going on. You weren’t… in control, right? Hard to blame you for much, when I don’t even know the situation.” She shrugged almost uncomfortably.

“...Yeah, so, I have absolutely zero idea what’s even… happening with you, but I can’t start unless you spit it out, Kris. What- no, when…” She paused, before groaning and mumbling, “...How did we get here?”

Kris lay against the headboard, eyeing the bandages over their stomach with a numb feeling. They weren’t much of a liar, really, and… Susie probably deserved to have the truth. They inhaled, cold air swimming in their lungs and expanding against their ribcage.

“...It wasn't always like this.”

Susie perked her head up, glancing at Kris’ idle form.

Kris thought for a moment. “No, in some ways it was. I never really… belonged here. Y’know, the weird human at the top of the town… Still find it hard to believe how Mrs. Holiday let me hang out with Noelle and-... Well.”

“It was better then,” They continued, so still it was almost as if they weren’t breathing. “Of course it was better then, Asriel was here, Mom and Dad were still together, and I didn’t have these… strings. Noelle’s sister was still… around. And, in a way, Dess held everything together.”

Susie was silent, her claws clasped as she let them speak. Kris eyed their reddened cuticles, lightly rubbing over the chipped black nail polish with their fingers.

“After Dess was gone, everything else fell apart. I walked around like a damn corpse, and everyone brushed it off except for Azzy. He went to college, and I just…” Kris rubbed their eyes with the back of their hands. Their voice cracked. “I dunno. It’s stupid.”

“What, aren’t we both dumbasses?” Susie cracked an attempt at a grin.

Kris grew warm for a moment, despite the rough feeling of bandages and the weight of the SOUL. “Yeah. But summoning a demon to let someone else handle my life is kinda past ‘dumbass’ territory if you ask me.”

Susie blinked a couple of times, before asking, “What?”

“Shit, sorry, I should’ve said that better, uhh…” Kris mumbled, trailing off as they used their likely failing critical thinking to decide on what was the best way to tell their possible friend how they summoned a questionable entity to control their life for them so they could rot in their depression for however long they wanted to. “Uh… I… made a deal with a devil? Wait, no-”

“You WHAT?!-”

“Angel, okay, listen, listen, I did a lot of occult stuff with Catti, and I just…” Kris hesitated, their hands running over the texture of the blanket. “...wanted out. I found a book about some rituals in the library and I thought I’d check it out. One of the pages was made out of… something different from the rest. It talked about a ritual to give yourself… a mental vacation.”

Susie’s eyes were wide in disbelief, before narrowing. “A mental vacation.”

“I was just… tired. Of everything.” Kris stewed in the silence for a while, suddenly conscious of every ache in their muscles. They shifted a bit before speaking. “It worked, clearly. My SOUL felt different, like… it wasn’t even the same SOUL anymore. It was constantly, uncomfortably present, pulling me around like a toy.”

Their voice came up in rough syllables, scraping against their throat like angry fingernails. “That was what I wanted, at first. My body did everything for me. Wake up for school, look presentable enough, eat breakfast, hug my mom, go to school, get through the day, and go to sleep normal.” Kris spat, their hands trembling.

“Y’wanna know something funny?” The corners of their lips pulled up, tone devoid of humor. “My mom didn’t even notice it wasn’t me. She was just happy I was getting over Azzy, getting over the divorce, and getting over the incident. When I got sick of feeling like I had no control over anything, I’d tear that SOUL out of my body.” Susie was completely still. “And, even then, my mom ignored the weird behavior, the long hours in the bathroom, and the bloody birdcage. Maybe she just wanted to pretend things were normal.”

Kris swallowed, saliva stinging their sore throat. “I… I wanted to get rid of it, before. I could feel everything, see everything, hear everything, but I couldn’t do shit about it.” Irony danced in their voice. “And then… we went to get chalk for Ms. Alphys.”

“It was fun, this… adventure, making friends, saving the world…” Kris went on, each syllable adding to the nausea turning in their stomach. “But none of it was me. Everything that SOUL did was the sick, ideal version of myself that was everything I wasn’t. A leader, confident, charming, courageous, and I-” Their voice broke apart. Water burned their eyes, threatening to leave its residence and roll down in wet, ugly lines.

“Everyone’s happy. My mom, Noelle, Ralsei, you…” Their cheeks were wet, life painted on their skin. “Where are you supposed to go in this situation? How can you just… exist again?”

Susie spoke, her words echoing in the empty room. “Do you think I’m happy, Kris?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “I’m not. I definitely wouldn’t be if you'd died, y’know that? I’d be so furious I’d spend the rest of my pathetic life thinking of all the ways I could torture you in the afterlife.”

“You wanna know a valuable life lesson?” Susie asked, bangs covering her eyes. “If you constantly give a shit about how everyone else feels, you’re gonna live out your days regretting how you didn’t do this or didn't do that, and eventually you're gonna end up dead with all the friends that you’ve people-pleased your way into getting mourning over your grave, and it’ll be sick and pathetic because they never even knew the real you.”

Susie’s voice was low and quiet. “The problem here, Kris, isn’t about how others would feel. It’s about what’s best for you,” She emphasized, her desperation for Kris to understand evident. “And clearly, this whole demon-possession thing isn’t too great, yeah? And if your mom, or Ralsei, or anyone prefers you when you’re being controlled, then they can suck it. Okay?”

Kris didn't know what to say. The knowledge that Susie knew Kris, in a way, the real Kris, danced above them like flashes of sunlight. The two of them sat in silence for a few moments before Susie mumbled, “Why am I always stuck teaching the moral lessons…?”

They traced over their bandages with rough hands. “...Okay.”

“Okay?” Susie questioned before realization lit up in her eyes. “Oh! Yeah, yeah, okay, right, uh-” She stood up abruptly, the chair almost toppling. “Okay, yeah, so, I’m gonna go let Ralsei know you’re awake,” She stepped towards the door, “‘cause there’s something he did to your soul he said he had to explain, so, uh, I’ll be back- Noelle!”

Susie pushed the door open and stepped out, letting a sliver of light in from the hall. Kris heard conversation from outside the door, but it was too quiet to make out. With a moment to themself, they inhaled, letting cold air run down their rough throat. They slammed the back of their head against the headboard with a resounding thud.

At times like these, y’know, when they’re in bed after surviving a near death experience, Kris thinks back to that night.

…

They missed Asriel.