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Chapter Text

The little Yang shoved his hands down his hoodies' pockets, staring at the boringly white walls of that waiting room. The non-stop legs swinging back and forth trying to get rid of that feeling, that nervousness that he just had felt once in his first day of high school - He was almost finishing his last year now.

"Yang Jungwon?" The nurse called while going out of the corridor, looking for him between the other patients waiting there. "It must be you with the red hair, right? I've never seen you here." 

"Yes, it's my son's first day at group therapy." His mom smiled, showing her adorable dimples, a trait that runs in the family's blood.

"How lovely! His group are a bunch of angels like him, he will like them, I'm pretty sure of it." 

Somehow, the red haired Yang didn't believe that. 

"Alright, let's go? They're waiting for you to start." 

He nodded, standing up and fixing his clothes. His mom got up with him, holding his face carefully, squeezing his puffy cheeks a bit, and kissing his forehead, giving him a tender smile, even though her eyes looked tired and almost empty.

"Good luck, sweetheart, love you!"

"Love you too, mom." He mumbled, smiling shyly one last time before leaving the waiting room, following the nurse.

Yang Jungwon, high schooler, 18.

Has been in therapy since his parents got divorced when he was 5, having to attend at intense therapy sessions after his mom caught him hurting himself.

It wasn't the first time he did that, nor the last, it was just a painful happening where his sleeve got stuck somehow on his bed and ripped when he tried to get up, causing his mom to see not only the old scars but the freshly open wounds on his arm. He still woke up in the morning expecting it to be a nightmare sometimes.

The professional opened the door and revealed him to a group of other six boys. Yang swallowed in nervousness.

"Excuse me. Dr. Kang, this is the last one. Hey guys, he's new here, be nice to him." She announced, leaving the room quickly. 

"What's your name, kid?" The woman asked, not even looking at him properly.

"Jungwon. Yang Jungwon." He replied.

"Jungwon, right? Welcome to hell, boy." The black haired boy with black lipstick smiled. A smile that caused chills through Jungwon's body. 

"Jongseong, please." The doctor reprehended. Jongseong just shrugged, followed by laughs by the another red haired boy on his side. At least he wouldn’t be called by mean names for having dyed hair.

Park Jay, also known as Jongseong, troublemaker, 19.

Has been on therapy since his problem with alcohol started, when he was 14.

Lee Heeseung, the rich kid, 20.

Has been in therapy since he got involved in a car crash caused by an angry fit. It was between therapy or going to infant jail at that point.

"He's exaggerating, it isn't even this bad." The brunette boy with foxy traits and a scar on the top of his right cheek said. "Come here, Jungwon! Sit here!" He tapped the pillow on his side, smiling. He had a beautiful smile.

Kim Sunoo, former gifted kid, 18.

Has been on therapy since his anxiety got worse, leading to a suicide attempt.

Yang did what the Fox-like boy told him to, staying there, completely still, his stomach turning upside down a billion times, not mentioning the nervousness again. Shit, it's so much harder when you can't let what you feel out. 

"Won't you say hi to the new kid, Mr. Perfect?" That Jongseong guy came front again, pushing a… Person that was by themself, on the phone. "Say something, bows."

"I don't like when you call me Bows, Jongseong, and you already know it." The one mumbled, almost in a non understandable way. The voice, the details, the short hair, the mole in their nose… Everything made Jungwon doubt himself about who he was talking to now.. A boy? A girl? Nothing? Any other type of person? It's so confusing sometimes. "I'm Sunghoon, Park Sunghoon, I'm pleased to meet you. I hope you like it here until our time here is over, let's make good memories, shall we?" He smiled, offering him a handshake. Without regrettings or shame, he accepted.

Park SungHoon, retired figure skater, 19.

Has been in therapy since his first years participating in dance and ice skating competitions. Has several problems with his body, his relationship with food and his appearance, adding the fact he's trans, making the perfect combo for a beautiful disgrace.

"You're painfully polished, y'know?" Again, the Jongseong guy.

"And you're painfully annoying, 'y'know?'" Park replied, rolling his eyes. 

"They're always like this, it's a matter of time for you to get used to it." Sunoo whispered. Jungwon just nodded with his head. "These two are Jake and Niki, both foreigners. Jake is always spacing out, I bet he didn't even notice you're here. And Niki.. Uhm.. He's a good kid, that's all I can say."

“Jake spends so much time spaced out that I call him ‘Astronaut’” Jay shrugged, laughing and keeping the smile. Even his smile looked like pure trouble. 

Jake Shim, former model,19.

Doesn't even know why the fuck he's on therapy. Or knows very well, just doesn't accept the fact he's fucking mentally ill.

Nishimura Riki, or just Niki, dancer, 17.

Out of the six boys, formerly five, probably the only one that isn't in a mental state where it feels like he's one step from ending in a white room. C'mon, he's just a teenager, and gay, and his parents felt like putting him under therapy would cure his gayness. Poor boy..

"What are we supposed to do here?" He asked, feeling like his heart was pounding so hard that Sunoo could notice it through his yellow hoodie.

"We talk to each other about whatever we want to, then the doctor leads us into a conversation about our feelings and what we need to do better." The youngest Kim explained while putting on some cherry lip balm. "It's not that hard, also not that bad like Jongseong said. What happens is that some of us don't really want to be there. Some just stayed here because they're too afraid of going to jail, probably."

"You're talking about Heeseung or me, dumb fox?" JongSeong asked, Sunoo's only reaction was to laugh about it.

"Oh god, 'dumb fox', really?" He laughed again, laughed so hard that he almost felt his stomach cramping. "Who am I talking about? Does it even matter? Both of you are fucking assholes." He felt the therapist's stare burning his skin. "I'm sorry, Dr. Kang."

"Watch your manners, Mr. Kim. Not just you but all of you guys." She warned, standing up. "We can start today's meeting now, I guess.. Now, following your seats' order, tell us a great point of your week."

JungWon could hear Sunoo sighing when he noticed Jay was the first one.

"I hooked up with a girl I've been interested in for a while and we drank together for a few days.” 

"How interesting." Kim rolled his eyes.

"Can both of you just shut the fuck up for a single second?" JungWon almost jumped in fear when he saw Jake speaking like that out of nowhere. Niki had the same reaction. "I-I'm sorry, I'm just having headaches." 

"Don't worry, Jaeyun, we'll talk about it later." The doctor said. "How many times did you get drunk this week, Jongseong?"

"One for each day in the week." He mumbled, checking out his black nail polish.

"Right." She took a deep breath. "Heeseung?" 

"I met the girl my dad's been dating and I found out she's pregnant, which is… Weird knowing that she's, like, Sunoo's age." 

"Oh yes, family gossip." The older Park smiled.

"Ok, SunOo?"

"I finally learned how to bake a cake properly and I'm applying for college next week." He said with a smile.

"That's good! What do you want to study?"

"I want to be a game developer." The smile grew wider, making his eyes almost disappear. 

"Such an interesting area! I'm sure you'll be successful at it!" She smiles. "Riki?" JungWon sighed quietly when she skipped him.

"Uhm, I… I met my sister's boyfriend, he's cute, by the way.. And I got one of the main roles for my dance school's year end presentation, as expected." 

"So you must have been so excited for it, right?"

"Yes, I'll do my best." He smiled.

“What is your group doing this year? Not the nutcracker again..” Sunoo laughed, Niki seemed disgusted when he heard about the nutcracker. 

“We’re doing a different version of Swan lake. I got the role of Odile, which is the black swan, and I’m so excited for this because-.”

"Next, Jake?" She cut out Niki, that went back to being in silence. Jungwon frowned, he wanted to keep on listening. They waited for Jake to say something back, but had no answer. "Excuse me, Shim?" She waved to him.

Suddenly, the Shim snapped out of his own dimension. "Oh, ok, I'm here, I'm here." He fixed his hair.

"Can I know who I am talking to?" She asked. What?

"Ahm, right, wait, I just…" He sighed. "Sorry, we've been blurring so badly today.. I just can tell you I'm not Jake, I think it's between Dahlia or Jaden, or both.." 

"No problem. What have you been doing this week? Something you want to share with us?" The more they spoke, the more confused the poor Yang felt. Jake didn't answer again, by the way, at least it looked like he was trying, opening his mouth, but nothing came out, so he just sighed, rubbing his hands to his face. "Take your time, it's alright, or you can just choose someone here to talk now and you speak by the end, it sounds good to you?"

"Yes." He responded, still looking so far away in his thoughts. "Sunghoon, can you do this for me please? I need time to.. Organize things here."

"No problem, buddy." He smiled, Jake smiled back, mouthing a soundless 'thank you'. "I visited the ice rink and practiced for the entire afternoon, it was nice, I felt great doing this despite the fact that I miss being there everyday and competing there and.." He sighed in disappointment. "I really miss my old life, but anyways, life goes on, I'm just writing a new chapter of it now."

"Maybe you felt this bad because you know that it was your fault you had to quit" Park shrugged, as if he said something meaningless. 

"Here we go again." Sunoo rolled his eyes. 

"My fault?! Jongseong, answer me, did you start drinking just because you wanted to? You're here because you really want to?" Sunghoon asked, not wanting to believe how stupid JongSeong was behaving that day.

"No, but, I mean, there's no fucking way you started making yourself throw up by accident.."

"Ok, listen here-"

"Calm down, you two!" The doctor asked again. "Jongseong, can you stay a little late today?"

"Ok, as your wish, Dr. Kang."

"Thank You." She thanked. "Shim, what about now?"

"I can try, I guess." He answered.

"Ok, do you know who's here now?"

"Definitely not Jake."

"Ok 'Definitely not Jake'". They both laugh about it. "Tell us a great point of your week."

"Going home and seeing my brothers again." He smiled. 

"At the time of the last meeting, you were at your dad's house, correct?" 

"Yes, now I'm home again."

"That's nice! I hope you enjoy your time with your brothers." She was… Extremely nice for no reason. "Jungwon, as it's your first day here, I'd like to ask you some questions, do you mind about it? You can skip the ones you want."

"Hm, let's go with it." He shrugged.

"Ok, so, your name is…?"

"Yang Jungwon." He answered on the spot.

"Your age?"

"Eighteen."

"You live with?"

"My mom, my stepdad and my older brother, Jeongin."

"In your free time you like to..?"

"Hm, watch TV and spend time with my brother." 

"Is there something you want to share with them?"

"Uhm.. If I bother you at some point, I'm already sorry for this, please let me know."

"Done?" He nodded. "Ok, so, for today's meeting.."

At that point, JungWon wasn't there anymore. 

Everything was so scary for him, meeting new people, strange people, It was so confusing. He didn't know why they're here, and they didn't know why Jungwon was there too, who could affirm they're not dangerous people?

With his own thoughts shouting at him, he was barely understanding what she was talking about, something mental-health related, of course, but definitely not important at all. 

When the thoughts finally shut for a while, there they are: Intrusive thoughts.

He was so, so, so bored, it would be indescribably nice to have his razor blade now. JungWon wouldn't consider himself as a self harm addict, but hell, he was. It wasn't an emotional escape anymore, a way to unload his feelings or punish himself, it was a basic need. At least one time per day, it could be in every way: Punching surfaces, eating or drinking water until it physically hurts, hitting himself, pinching himself, biting his nails… But of course he had his favorite, right?

Nothing felt better as the razor blade running his skin, or should I say ruining?

It was three steps: Press, breath, slide. It was white, then red, endlessly red, that vibrant red running down his body and splashing the floor, the walls, his clothes, the blade…

Sometimes he didn't even need a reason, he just needed to feel that. 

He snapped out when he saw Sunoo waving at him, with Jake standing next to him.

"You ok?" He asked, offering a hand for Jungwon to help him get up. He accepted. "You were so quiet during the whole meeting.."

"I'm ok, just.. Tired." Jungwon lied.

"I'll trust you, then.. Oh, they finally said who they are; Jungwon, this is Nolan. Nolan, this is Jungwon." Kim smiled. Shim - Nolan? - waved awkwardly with a smile. 

"Nice to meet you." They - They? - said.

"Nice to meet you too." Jungwon responded. "So.. Can we go home now? That was just.. It?"

"Yes. I was just waiting for you because I want to give you this." He pulled a piece of paper from his pocket. "It's our number, see? The first one is mines. When you get home, you can send me a text and I can make a group chat for us, what do you think?"

"Nice." Sunoo noticed Jungwon probably was a guy of not so many words. 

"Perfect! See, let us take you to the waiting room, or to the bus stop, how are you going home, Jungwon?" On the other hand, Sunoo seemed really talkative.

"I think my mom's here. Or my brother is waiting for me downstairs." He explained, following them. 

So it was. 

The black haired guy was standing, looking at his arounds. His eyes met with Jungwon's and the boy smiled, waving.

"Who's that cutie?" Sunoo smiled, running his hands through his hair.

"My brother, Jeongin." JungWon mumbled. "See you next week?" 

"See ya." Kim waved. 

"Bye, Jungwon." Jake, no, Nolan waved too, following Kim's steps.

He walked to his brother, without saying much, just greeting him with a nod.

"How'd it go, Theo?" It was a nickname between them. Jeongin swore Jungwon looked like Theodore from Alvin and the Chipmunks when they're kids.

"Not that bad, Nick." And JungWon did the same the first time they watched Zootopia together. "It was… Just kinda strange, I think they know each other for a long time, so it's a bit awkward to be there."

"You'll catch up with them in a while, kiddo." He ruffled the youngest's hair. "Mom is waiting for us at work, I think we got the night shift today."

"I was wondering if we could just go straight home, I'm feeling a bit tired, but I'm ok with working today." Maybe it was better to distract himself with work than doing this with a blade slicing his skin.

Chapter Text

Kim tried not to moan audibly when he felt the vietnamese's lips kissing his neck, painting a trail with his red lipstick from his lips to wherever he could reach before taking off Sunoo's shirt. He allowed him to take off his shirt, grabbing his hair as a response and leading the boy to get on his knees. Hanbin unzipped Kim's shorts without glancing away from his dark brown eyes. The silence in the locker room was too loud for them, almost uncomfortable, it definitely got a little better when Hanbin's kisses in Kim's skin took space in the silence, combined with Sunoo's whimpers and deep breaths, trying not to be that loud. After all, they were hidden, and it made almost even better. 

Well, as better as it could be until the moment the janitor unlocked the cabin they where, revealing to the director the scene of the ex gifted kid and college's cheerleader group's captain almost eating each other during class time.

And there was Sunoo, sitting at the alley where the director's room was located, waiting for his sister to come out of there. None of them were minors anymore, that was a fact, but the director knew them And his families, turning whatever-has-happening-inside-the-room into a "totally not pedagogical" tea-time. Kim refused to sit on the chairs, so there he was, sitting in the floor trying to ignore the presence of the boy he almost fucked -this time, at least..- in the other side of the alley.

@ KXMSCENEOO

knock knock?

who's there?

@ GALAXYSHIM

oh hi

it's jake 

and thom

@ KXMSCENEOO

hi jake

and thom

guess who got caught again

@ GALAXYSHIM

...again? 

you're the worst ever when it comes to hiding yourself, you know that?

its unbelievable.

...

got caught doing what.

DOING WHAT.

KIM SUNOO.

@ KXMSCENEOO

NOTHING.

calm your ass down.

well...

maybe.

maybe i had the cheerleader captain on his knees for me.

and he surely was not praying.

@ GALAXYSHIM

oh. . .

hanbin?

ive seen him on insta

he's cute tbh 

@ KXMSCENEOO

a good kisser 

i think i got red lipstick on my shorts bc of him 

@ GALAXYSHIM

damn-

tell me he didnt…

he did NOT do what i think he did..

i won't be surprised to happen id be surprised for you getting caught WITH HIM >TWICE<.

@ KXMSCENEOO

unfortunately

i wish he did

he was having a spiced candy

a lollipop

he gave me one, btw, but i saved it for later..

if you had the vision i had of how he used his lips..

the one urging to receive a head from hanbin would be you 

@ GALAXYSHIM

stop it.

you're disgusting

+ you made thom sick.

I'm too ace for this shit. - T

L + Ratio + Don't do this EVER again or I'm ending myself in front of you. - T+C

@ KXMSCENEOO

CLAIRE BESTIE HIII

and everyone is a lil, aren't we?

@ GALAXYSHIM

dont talk to me, you hooker. - C

stop being disgusting in front of my brothers. - C

ill end you myself. - C

but you're more since you dated jay park

@ KXMSCENEOO

shut up australian matryoshka

we don't talk about this topic here

@ GALAXYSHIM

i cant help but laugh every time you call us matryoshka

this is so wrong oh god

i will cancel you

@ KXMSCENEOO

go on then

if you want to go back to having no friends..

because im taking sunghoon with me.

@ GALAXYSHIM

hell you're not.

Don't even try. -T

aw….

it's not my fault 

and u wont leave me alone even if i asked

@ KXMSCENEOO

at least you know this

"Sunoo?" The feminine voice he was born knowing called and he stood up at the same moment. "We're going home."

"Alright." Sunoo stood up, stretching his body and glancing to Hanbin, who stood up almost at the same time, directing himself to his mother in the other end of the alley. Hanbin glanced back and a small smile peaked through Sunoo's lips, blinking to Hanbin before heading to the exit, waiting for his sister there. It wouldn't last so much until she got there. He was already waiting for her to scold him. And so it happened.

"How many fucking times it will take to you to understand what you're doing? Sunoo, you're already eighteen, get on your own mind! We're trying everything and more for you. Uncountable teachers, courses, special classes, and you still keep on with this bullshit! Do you really think that a few kisses, blowjobs and whatever the hell you've been doing are worth your future?"

"Sora, being brutally honest here, my head hurts a bit, can you.. Low your voice a little?" He asked in a deep sigh, pulling down the car's mirror and hoping it works.

"No, Sunoo, I can't. I'm sorry, I hate to scold you," She lied. "but someone has to do it, someone has to open your eyes! You're a grown adult behaving like a reckless teenager." Another lie.

Maybe, just maybe, it was because Sunoo was, actually, still a reckless teenager.

He wasn't even legally in adulthood, why did everyone kept telling him these kinds of things? He felt like he was 15 and 30 at the same time.

The way home followed quietly, he was too stressed to try starting a conversation again, it was awfully tiring. It was like that almost all the times, his older sister acted like his mom, she said some things he actually wasn't that fond of listening, they went home and... Yeah, just another day, right? Sora with her boyfriend - a jerk, if Sunoo could say - and Sunoo by himself in his bedroom, trying everything he could to fill up his time. He tried everything: Writing, painting, texting his friends, texting his "lovers", sending them photos, videos.. But nothing would really make him feel.. Himself. Something deep down his miserable heart was missing and he knew what it was, he knew so well, but was it.. Fair? His absent parents worked oh so hard to get him in the best schools he could, with the best future right there, awaiting for him, and he already declined being a doctor or lawyer for "his mental health sake", what else he could do? 

Well, after all, Sunoo wasn't the gifted kid he acted for so long, long enough he couldn't bear it anymore. 

The only gift he had at that moment was his own solitude. The solitude, the echoing thoughts in his head and, sometimes, a thing or two to get him out of his sobriety. It wasn't good enough once he would fall out of it a little later, but it was.. Surely something.

Fuck, maybe his relationship with Jay truly let its trail.

Fuck, he missed Jay 

SunOo declined eating, nauseous by the ghost of how sweet and hot Jay's vodka kisses were. The former gift kid affirmed he would eat something it later when he finally felt better, but the infamous comment the man spat made him wonder how long could he go without eating just not to face him again;

"I think you're spending too much time with the skater 'guy'," The implication in his tone made Sunoo's blood boil, he knew what was coming, knowing it would get even worse. "just don't become bulimic too and we're cool with it." His sister's boyfriend said in a laugh, the youngest heard both of them laughing faintly as he took his way to his bedroom. SunOo hated both of them so bad his head was actually hurting now.

He threw his bag somewhere on the floor, flopping his body on his bed and 'turning his cables off', the best way he could describe dissociating until he finally fell asleep. Sunoo was the best when it came to sleep away his own problems, after all, sleeping would always be the best way to keep yourself away from the reality while not being totally awake and living. He once described it to his therapist as a "free sample" of death and laugh about it, the therapist, unfortunately, didn't.

When he, unfortunately woke up, he was alone. In his cellphone, his sister left a message just to warn him they would be out for the night and he wasn't allowed to do "anything dumb". Sunoo swiped right, closing the chat, and ignoring it successfully, group-calling his friends so he could get their attention. None of them answered the call, but the three of them flooded the group with questions, worrying about Sunoo.

A few texts and almost an hour waiting, here they were: Jake and Sunghoon. The three were best friends, everyone always saw them together. Sometimes Niki would join them too, but it was harder when they met after the night had already fallen.

"I've seen this femme side of you just a few times but you always look so stunning in it, Jake." Sunoo smiled while distributing three bottles of beer in the middle of them, each of them got one to yourself. "Oh- Sorry, is it still Jake?"

"Yes, it's me! I think I'm getting better, I'm fronting more often and spending more time here.. I think, with a little more effort, I can become the host again in a while!" His happiness was noticeable in every single detail of his beautiful smile. Jake was naturally beautiful, almost perfect, everyone was envious of him, sometimes even his own friends! It made sense why he once was a model. And, in that moment, he made sure he was looking even more perfect with that black skirt and makeup.

Sunoo and Sunghoon already knew each other since they were little, Sunoo's sister and Sunghoon's mother were best friends at school, so were they until this day. Jake came later, but it was like he's there from the beginning.

They couldn't catch why the Australian was in the therapy group for the first time they met, the others were quite obvious: Jay smelled like cheap wine, they knew Heeseung too well, unfortunately,  Niki wasn't there yet, it was just the five of them. Jake was too… Normal. He didn't show any signs of any issue, physically or through his actions, there wasn't a single red flag. 

It took a while for them to find out what he really had: Dissociative Identity Disorder. 

And, wow, it actually made a lot of sense.

They denominated themselves a "system", and others would call them "Shim" when they didn't know who was fronting or for the ones who didn't even know Jake was part of a system. Usually, Sunoo and Sunghoon were the only ones that could notice easier the differences between the alters.

From that moment, they became inseparable, wherever you saw one of them, there wasn't a single time where they wasn't together. There would not be a time were they could've been together but decided not to, they were almost together as one.

"Why is it so important to become the host after all, isn't it… Tiring, I guess? Like, if you have the opportunity to pass the control to another person, why are you still choosing to be here?" Kim asked, taking a sip from his bottle.

"I think it is most like an agreement between us. I identify with our body and most of the people we know call us by my name, so it's easier not to bother and front for the most of the time, does it make sense?" Shim explained, eating sour candy. He loved sour candy, unlike Thom, the other host, who was terrified by sour candy, and Claire, the called "backup host", who could only have sour candy if it was equally sweet at the same time.

"It makes sense, actually." SungHoon shrugged, putting down the half-empty bottle.

"No way, at least finish it! We didn't even start." SunOo encouraged, smiling until he noticed SungHoon wasn't playing. "Why?"

"Just not feeling like it today." He mumbled, playing with the little bow ring he was wearing. 'Liar.' Sunoo thought.

"It's your favorite brand, I bought it thinking about you! And it was goddamn expensive! Boy, you better drink at least two because this thing has to be gone by the time my sister-"

"Fine! God, how can you be so fucking insistent?" The ex-skater looked annoyed, and the other two were kinda confused. He stood up and leaded himself to the kitchen, Sunoo and Jake just glanced at each other, as if they tried to read each other's mind and exchange their thoughts about what in the world that fit was.

"Check his phone." Sunoo whispered. They knew how the notification from Sunghoon's fasting clock app looked like, and they knew that, if the thing is on, it would show up in this notification bar.

"This is kinda intrusive, don't you think?" Jake refused. "I saw him eating a sandwich yesterday after the meeting." Jake responded, putting all the candies down and organising it by its colours. "And I know he is not purging anymore, it's been a while since the last time." 

"I can hear you, assholes!" Park shouted in response, were they really gossiping about him right in front of him-himself? "If my life really matters this much for you, yes, it's been a while since I ate anything and I was avoiding drinking because I know it makes my resistance lower and the hangover stronger, but, guess what? I don't think I really care anymore." Letting three more bottles on the table, he sat down, chugging down what was left on his bottle like water. Jake sighed, knowing that wouldn't end well. His left hand started stroking his own wrist while he tried to ground himself, catching another sour candy just to make sure he could keep Thom away from the front. Co-fronting was ok, but he refused to switch at that moment.

With that much, he would be already tipsy in a while, they knew it. It was going to be a rough night. 

"So.. What do we think about the new guy?" SunOo asked, putting both of the empty bottles under the little table they had. "JungWon, isn't it?"

"He looks nice, and he's cute. I think he's just a little too shy, but it will get better with time, just like I did." Jake smiled, fixing the skirt falling beneath his lap. 

"His brother is a cutie, I wonder if he's into trans people.." Sunghoon sighed, being side glanced by both of his friends.

"You should ask yourself if he likes boys, not if he's an asshole." Sunoo rolled his eyes while Shim just agreed with the youngest. 

"Whatever." He shrugged. "I just hope Jay doesn't decide to catch Jungwon's attention again or he will become the most annoying person alive and, I swear to God, if I see him like this again, just like he did with Sunoo, I'm starting a fight with him."

"And you know you're losing." Jake laughed, drinking a sip of grape juice. He didn't drink alcohol nor used drugs, he knew everything he did won't affect just him, so he always tried to be as careful as he could. 

"Can we just not bring the 'Jay and Me' topic up again? I can make an apology letter or whatever, just lemme go off it, for god's sake! I'm ashamed of my past actions, I swear." They all laughed, Sunoo was always so dramatic.

"You're doomed, you will have to live with this guilt forever!" Sunghoon followed.

"One day, It will happen with you too, and I will mock you so, so bad." Kim swore, downing another half of his bottle. "I have classes tomorrow, I think it's enough for me now.." 

"I have nothing to do, pass the bottle." Park smiled, trying to reach the bottle. With that, that would be his second one. 

"I think it's better not to." Jake took the bottle, holding it near his body. "You haven't eaten in a while, you will have a terrible hangover later, as you already said..."

"We can eat then, let's go!" He pointed with his head, getting up the fastest he could, running to the kitchen, or trying to do it without tripping at his own steps.

"Fuck, Jake, follow him, make sure he isn't gonna… Overeat or whatever, at least help him to choose something healthy, ok?" Shim waved, getting up and fixing his skirt, running to the kitchen.

Sunoo took a deep sigh, letting his own head fall back until it hit the comfort of the sofa pillow, his thoughts going completely numb and god, he wished it was because he was too drunk.

Sometimes it just happens, he feels himself until that wave hits him, he can't see it coming, the sea doesn't get rough or anything, he can't even avoid or try to hide, eventually Sunoo will just drown. 

And, at that point, he found it worthless to fight against the entire ocean.

With his lungs getting filled with water, his strategy is holding it until he can't do it anymore, until his head hurts and his vision gets blurry. When it happens, he finally gasps for some air, but it's the same as nothing. Well, at least now he has an understandable reason for being breathless.

Fuck it.  He thought, downing the other half and putting the bottle down, leading himself to his bedroom and searching for his bag. There was it. In the same pocket he had left.

The heart-shaped candy started to dissolve its sugar between his lips. He broke the lollipop biting it, they're homemade, so of course they wouldn't be that hard, it was just a little coloured food dye with caramel and.. Well, something that could take anyone off their sobriety mixed. Sunoo didn't want to taste the candy or tint his tongue, we just wanted the effects and he wanted it the faster he could. He wanted to feel it flowing into his body, intoxicating everything, even the ocean and the waves.

He could surf now if he wanted to.

"Oh- Lollipop! Where'd you take it? I want- Oh, it's Hanbin's isn't it?" Sunghoon asked, walking into the living room again, eating a bowl of cube-sliced apples and crushed biscuits. "You fucker."

Sunoo didn't respond, just did a 'silence' sign with his finger in his lips. Sunghoon pulled his middle finger up.

"To hell with the silent, Sunoo!" Park rolled his eyes, glancing at Jake, who sighed, staring at their friend, still in silence and with his eyes closed, still biting what had left from the lollipop: The stick.

Jake wished the butterflies in his stomach were someone co-fronting and not what he thought it was.

"You know he needs his break sometimes.. Just don't bother him, ok?" Jake smiled, fixing Sunghoon's bangs.

"But nothing happened, and he didn't look overwhelmed at all.." He pouted. It was normal for Sunoo to reach out for strongest things when he was too overwhelmed, but now? Sunghoon sighed, nodding for Jake. "Ok, let's go to his bedroom then. Sunoo, I don't know if you are paying attention to me right now, but… When you're done, we're at your room, Ok?" He sent flying kisses, smiling and pulling Jake with him.

Chapter Text

Jay woke up totally trashed. 

He groaned while changing sides on the bed, just to notice he wasn't on a bed at all but in a sofa, painfully finding out in the moment he fell out of it. He sighed and tried to get up, looking at his surroundings trying to recognize something and receiving a total of… Nothing, yep, he didn't know where he was, great way to start the weekend..

Thanks God he was still wearing his clothes. 

He made his way to the nearest bathroom, finding clean clothes at the sink's drawer and deciding to steal that, obviously he was needing more than the original owner. He took a shower, stopping midway to puke his insides out, questioning himself when was the last time he had a real meal and getting back to showering. 

It sure did take a while, but Jay finally managed to get out of the house he was in, leaving and taking the first bus for downtown, searching for a safe place to, finally, have some breakfast. 

His cell phone vibrated on the table of the cafeteria he stopped by, who would call him that early in the morning?

Right, his brother.

"What do you want?" Jay started between the bites.

"Why aren't you home? The house is so dirty it looks like a garbage dump, and mom is sleeping on the kitchen floor like she's homeless, why aren't you here?" 

"Adam, you know what? If she can get trashed, I'm getting too. I won't lose my youth being miserable because of someone who thought having babies as a teenager, or almost a child, was something cool because you could grow up with them. If I'm playing the parent role here, I prefer to be like our father."

"Enough." His brother demanded, leading him into silence. "I want you home, now."

"I'm eating my breakfast, can I finish it at least?"

"Quickly." Was his only response.

"Alright, alright.." Jay thought for a while, then sighed. "You want something to eat, Adam?"

"Please, for both of us." He whispered, more like he was begging. Jay knew well, if he wasn't doing good, Adam would be in a terrible state too.

"I'm going, It won't take much, keep things safe here." The troublemaker asked before putting the phone down, sighing and focusing on eating what he bought for himself. 

And yes, that was life for Jay Park. 

He was the street’s son. Jay raised himself in the streets, always being the troublemaker older brother of the Park twins. Jay remember being grounded so many times during his childhood, never regretting any of them. In his best days, he would skip school, getting together with older kids to trash around the neighborhood, painting walls, cars, doors, kicking cans and bottles loudly, skating or even doing “adult stuff”, such as drinking, smoking or doing drugs. Jay remembers his first time high was at his 15’s, while his first time drunk was somewhere during his 12’s. 

Adam was designated to be the angel of that household. He would take care of his mom when she came home after partying, he would take care and help Jay when he needed to, Adam just did everything a kid wasn’t supposed to do. But somehow he had more luck than Jay and found a nice family to be a part of: His girlfriend! They met at elementary school, Jay was her friend too and sometimes he even went to her house with his brother too, Haeun, named Hannah after they met, was just a standart girl with a big heart, and so were her parents! Hannah’s parents would invite Jay and Adam to their house for vacation or holidays, but Jay wasn’t a fan of that, honestly. He was the street’s boy, after all! Being a homeboy like Adam wasn’t his will, he was a free soul. 

When they were younger, Hannah would describe the twins as a domestic husky dog and a wolf, Jay always loved wolves. 

Thinking better about it, Jay knew uncountless girls, but no girl knew him better than Hannah, his brother’s girlfriend. 

He finished eating with a bitter taste sitting on his tongue, grabbing something for his brother and mother to eat before going out, getting another bus. 

The troublemaker put his headphones on, blasting some music during the drive. He had to take another bus after, but he was used to it. 

“Morning, y’all.” He said, announcing his arrival, leaving the paper bag on the kitchen’s table, looking at the two people sitting there. A middle aged woman, with her hair seeming a little wet from being washed recently, and the boy, his age, who looked a lot like him.

“Good morning, darling.” The woman smiled. Jay took a deep breath before smiling back, pretending everything was ok. Her look seemed tired and disappointed, but not towards him, he knew it was towards herself. “Adam said you were out for the night, partying I guess, if mommy still knows you..” 

“My blood is your blood after all, you know I don’t lose any chance when it comes to enjoying my nights.” She laughed a little. He took a seat for himself. 

“You two look more like siblings than me and him, and I’m his twin!” Adam chuckled, taking a seat for himself too. 

They looked like siblings, the three of them. 

They all knew very well it wasn’t right. 

“The milk is warm, and the coffee is hot, we must eat this before it goes cold, shall we?" Adam said while grabbing the things out of the bag.

Jay poured himself a cup of warm milk and prepared something he was very familiar with: Angel milk. One of his favorite childhood drinks and somewhat his favorite to this day, even compared with the alcoholic ones. It was a simple recipe: Warm milk, vanilla, sugar and cinnamon. It tasted the same as he remembered drinking from his sippy cup while sitting and watching cartoons with his brother at night. They did that every night until both of them ended up falling asleep.

His mom smiled when noticing what he was doing, she always ended up cracking a smile when seeing that.

They had a nice meal together, almost looking like a real family, not full of talks or chit chatting, just eating, in silence, until everyone finished their meal.

Ending the silence, his mom was the first one to speak up. "Is Hannah doing great, Adam?"

"Uhm, she sure is." The youngest smiled, almost getting blushed when the subject came to his girlfriend. Adam always felt like the kid who fell in love with Hannah when they're younger when she was part of the family talk. "She will begin her studies next year, my girlfriend is soon to be a doctor and.. Yes, I'm pretty much proud of her."

"Ew." Jay twisted his expression in disgust, being hit with a paper towel ball as soon as he did it. "You saw this? Mom, this is pure aggression! This little rascal doesn't even know how to treat his older brother with respect!"

"You're older by twenty minutes, c'mon!"

"Well, we still have different birthday dates!" 

"I don't think being born at 11:53 p.m even count as-"

"Still older than you!"

"Hey, you two!" The woman laughed audibly, forgetting for a minute about her hangover headache."Sometimes I can't believe you two have more than eight years, especially when you decide to argue like this! But look at you boys, my babies are now nineteen, time really flies by." She sighed. "And you, Jay? You're still going to therapy, right?"

"Yes, Adam takes me there every week.. Actually it's pretty funny sometimes, it's.. Different, I like going there, to be honest." He shrugged, getting on his feet. "I'm doing the dishes."

"I can help you with this. Mom, are you staying here?" The youngest asked, getting up too.

"Hm, actually I'm going to my room, I'm not feeling that well…" The oldest stands up, taking a pill with what is left from her mug of coffee. Probably a pain pill. "See you, boys, love you."

"Love you too, mom." Both of them responded.

Then, silence.

It took a while for them to speak up again. Adam was the first.

"When will you stop drinking, Jay?" He asked, hearing a deep sigh from the oldest. "Don't ignore me."

"I'm not ignoring you, calm your ass down." He rolled his eyes. "Someday, when I find an alternative way to occupy myself."

"Get a partner, geez, why can't you just be normal?" 

"Excuse me? It wasn't nice, are you saying you use Hannah as a distraction? She will know about this, just wait-"

"Hell, I'm not saying this!" He sighed, why is Jay just so complicated? "My mental health is shit too, you know this very well, but at least I didn't pick up any unhealthy coping mechanism, I just.. Cry, a lot, sometimes.. You should try this too, like, venting with someone you trust and crying in their shoulder-"

"Will you lend me your shoulder then? Because I swear I have no one." He looked into Adam's eye.

Adam avoided the look.

Jay sighed in response, he knew he'd do this.

"Why don't you try this with Heeseung? He's your friend, isn't he?" Adam tried.

"This isn't the personality I use with him, with Ethan I'm more like.. Swearing at everything that makes me angry and all.. I don't even know what he would think at me if he saw me crying like a fucking baby.."

"Are you calling me a baby then?" He asked, hearing a little chuckle from his brother. "You dirty little-" 

"Fuck! Stop this!" Jay screamed as Adam sprinkled water at him with his fingers. "Adam Jonghyun Park!" He exclaimed, doing the same.

"Don't call me Jonghyun, Jongseong! That's fucking weird!" He said, hearing a gasp from the other one. "What?"

"Did you just curse in front of me? Oh my.. I just heard my baby brother cursing in front of me! What have they done to you, my baby?"

"Cut this, your mouth is as dirty as a trashcan, you're literally the person I know that curses more in this goddamn world." He tried to avoid getting hugged by his brother, failing miserably. Jay still smelled like alcohol, probably vodka. "I know I sound boring when I ask you this, but.. You know, Jay, you're still my brother, my twin, and I worry about you so much, you make me hate you sometimes, but I can't imagine my life without you."

"Stop being this sensitive or I will laugh at you when you start crying."

"Just like you did that time I fell while trying to learn how to ride a bike?"

"Exactly." They both laughed. "Don't worry, Adam, It will be fine, someday, probably not for now, but someday I swear it will." He let his brother go out of the hug. "I will be fine by the time you decide to get married and have little Hannahs and Adams running around the house, you know, I won't like the idea of being the drunk uncle that children are afraid of, I think what suits me the most is.. Being the cool uncle that spoils the children every Christmas."

"Oh it surely is." Adam laughed. "Sometimes you're too dreamy, I like that, it's like seeing a part of you that isn't corrupted by bad things yet, a part of you that's still.. Naive."

Jay smiled, certainly a smile that looked sad, a lot. 

"I'm going to my room, call me if you need something, or if you're leaving. Please, don't do anything I would do."

"I won't." He answered while starting to organize the cupboard. Jay left.

He flopped onto his bed as soon as he stepped in the room, pushing the things on his bed to the floor with his feet and getting comfortable there, at least trying. 

He was almost sleeping when his cell phone buzzed, who would it be?

@ HSNG_01

wassup

gym?

@ ITBOY_JPARK

nah

not today bro

@ HSNG_01

lazy ass..

@ ITBOY_JPARK

fuck you

hangover, that's all

@ HSNG_01

again

@ ITBOY_JPARK

are we even surprised?

@ HSNG_01

not even a lil

tbh

@ ITBOY_JPARK

well then..

@ HSNG_01

yo

i found out the new boys ig

want it?

@ ITBOY_JPARK

why would

Jay thought twice about that. Why has he even thought twice about that?

@ ITBOY_JPARK

is he a minor?

@ HSNG_01

nope

he said he was eighteen last meeting

@ ITBOY_JPARK

just in case

single?

@ HSNG_01

he seems to be

he hasn't post a thing

but i can see pics he's tagged at

they're old tho

most of them

his brother is kinda cute 

@ ITBOY_JPARK

single?

@ HSNG_01

nope

@ ITBOY_JPARK

fuck

gimme his username 

and come to my place

quickly

@ HSNG_01

im not having sex with you 

don't even think about this

@ ITBOY_JPARK

you seemed to like last time

@ HSNG_01

me?

the one screaming my name was you

@ ITBOY_JPARK

and you begged me for more

@ HSNG_01

shut it

and im coming

@ ITBOY_JPARK

you will say this later too

@ HSNG_01

fuck you, jay park

@ ITBOY_JPARK

make me

;) 

He smiled as Heeseung stopped seeing the messages. Shit, his room was a mess and Heeseung was coming! Jay got out of the bed so quickly his vision got black for a moment, but he didn't have time to care about this. He opened the window and pushed most of the things under his bed, organizing what he could in that time because he knew damn well that Heeseung was as fast as a lightning bolt when he was driving. 

Before he even realized, he heard someone downstairs. 

Yep, there he was.

The red haired showed up in the doorframe, knocking even when Jay's door was open.

"I swear, one day, I will call you in a second and you will be by my door the next." Park smiled, pulling the tallest by his shirt and kissing him welcome. Ethan didn't hesitate to press his tongue against Jay's lips, the youngest smiled, a dirty smile between the kiss, letting the red haired use his tongue, following him with his own. It was getting hotter and hotter when Kim suddenly grabbed Jay's ass, making him whimper, arching his back demanding more and Ethan listened to his signs, pulling him closer and squeezing even more there, pulling both bodies closer, causing a nice and ecstasiating friction between both hips. 

But Ethan wasn't an easy boy.

"How are we doing today, sweetheart?" He said after taking a little distance, smiling when he saw Jay eyeing his lips, almost out of breath.

"Would've be doing better if you decided not to be an asshole and just fucked me already.." He spitted the words, not even hiding the desire of catching Heeseung lips with his own again.

"Aye, I said we're not doing this." He laughed, sitting on the bed.

"And you said this after almost eating me out in a kiss? Oh you wanna fuck me so bad, Ethan, didn't you?" He sat on Heeseung's lap, looking at him. Kim smiled, a dirty smile, pulling Jay closer by his thighs. 

"You didn't answer yet, how are you doing?" 

"Bad, Ethan, I'm doing awfully, is that an answer? My body aches, my head is throbbing, my mouth tastes bitter and I still thinks I'm gonna puke again, now can you just fuck me already?"

"No no no, today I'll stay there, we can lay down together and the closer we're getting to this is kissing and cuddling without crossing the line. You're obviously hungover and I will take care of you as a good best friend would do!" 

"No way you're doing this to me." Jay sighed, just giving up then. He wasn't getting what he wanted tonight. "But you owe me a quickie."

"I surely do." Ethan laughed, laying on bed, letting Jay lay next to him, almost on top of him. "Did you have fun tonight?"

"As far as I remember, yes. I met a girl quite like you, spoiled, but the thing was her parents kept her away from the "mundane world", as she said, and now that she was living alone, she wanted to explore the real world and everything.."

"Then you both got drunk together and fucked?"

"She didn't feel comfortable enough, it would be her first time, you know? But we drank together, she let me touch her, I taught her how to give head to someone.."

"Oh my godness, you're insane." Ethan laughed. 

"She had fun, ok?" He laughed in response, lightly so his head won't hurt more than it already was. 

"I see, I see." He nodded. "I think I'm having the best part of my day right now, you know, I just did.. Boring things today." He rolled his eyes. "I miss going to races."

"We can go one of these days if you really want to.." 

"Nah, I'm good, and I'm still scared of getting caught by my father and end up.. Well, you know the story."

"So you can give me a ride, not like a race, just a ride.. A speedy ride, gotcha?"

"Well, usually the one to ride something here is you but-"

"You're not making sex jokes to me if you're not fucking me, Ethan." And the red haired laughed, Jay just smiled. "And you fucking know that when I'm the one riding a thing I'm riding it damn well."

"Of course I know, I know it like anyone." He smiled, giving Jay a smooch. "Your brother still thinks we're boyfriends?"

"He knows I don't stuck with people like he has stuck with his girlfriend for all these years. I like to enjoy my freedom."

Ethan just nodded in agreement, cuddling Jay and playing with his hair in silence. Jay could listen to his best friend's heartbeat and it was so goddamn peaceful. He wouldn't ask for a better friend to be by his side. 

Something snapped on his head. He just noticed that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't the cool guy he tried to show off to Heeseung, nor did Heeseung see him that way. For Ethan, Jay was an enigmatic soul seeking freedom in its various ways, and by enigmatic he mean disturbed, probably the freedom meant peace, Jay wanted peace, Jay wanted to feel safe, Jay wanted to feel like he belongs to something, not that he belongs to the whole world, because being free can be nice, but his freedom seemed so lonely sometimes… It was a mess. His mind was a mess. He was definitely drinking something when Heeseung decided to leave. 

Jay shredded a single tear on Ethan's shirt, giving up on crying and just falling asleep.

Ethan didn't leave that day. 

Chapter Text

And five..

Six..

Seven..

Eight! 

The signal sound announced the music was ready to begin, so it did.

As soon as the rhythm began to take place on the empty ice rink, the girl started to dance. With her ice skates blades drawing on the ice, she did movements that looked totally effortless. Between the movements similar to a gracious dance, the tricks started to show up: It went from spinning holding her own leg, skating using just one leg while doing a split by sustaining her own leg beside her body, even an aerial cartwheel! Her dance was on point, her tricks were on point.. Everything was on point.

Well.. Not everything.

"Bloody hell!" The girl shouted after falling on the cold ice, sighing.

"No, darling, Bloody Mary." Sunghoon said, helping the smiley girl to get up again. There was the music playing during her routine, well, one of them. "It was the axel again?" 

"Yes! This damned jump! I can never land this!" She sighed, skating to the border and getting her bottle of water.

"Not just this, you look scared, girl! When Wednesday Addams looked this scared? Never! You're Wednesday, I wanna see your Wednesday!" He encouraged, skating to the border too.

"Well, show us how to do a better Wednesday then." Another one of the girls there said, smiling.

"Hm.. Well.." He hesitated, sighing when he noticed the sparkling eyes from the whole skating class there. They loved to see Sunghoon skating. "Ok, pass me the eye liner, the black lipstick and the mirror and I will be Wednesday just because you asked to." The girls shouted and clapped in excitement, handing him what he asked.

"The good thing is that you're already wearing black, you always wear black." One of the smallest ones said, making the others around her laugh with her.

"Well, people say black makes people more elegant, right?" He smiled, pouting a little to apply the black lipstick correctly.

"Mom says black makes you look thinner, you already look both thin and elegant, teacher!" 

Sunghoon's heart skipped a beat. He smiled awkwardly, feeling a little uneasy about that.

"Alright, I'm going, someone start the song when I sign." He warmed himself a bit before skating until the other side of the rink, getting himself ready for the presentation and making the sign.

And five, six, seven, eight!

He started introducing the character with the beat everyone already knew, getting into the rink and starting the sequence that he already knew.

It was choreographed for him.

It would be Sunghoon's next solo before having to forcefully retire himself from ice skating to go under treatment for his eating disorders. It was a totally bitter outcome for his brilliant career.

When he returned to his team, just to be the assistant, the first thing he did was getting himself the best skater of the team to start learning that routine.

But, respectfully, she wasn't even close to being as good as him.

In that ice rink, Sunghoon wasn't present, all the girls could see was Wednesday Addams skating, and it was so beautiful.. The morbidly serious expression in his face, highlighted by the quick dark makeup he did.. He was perfect at doing that. Sometimes the movements would hurt because of the use of his binder, but a little pain wouldn't get in Sunghoon's way. 

The girls screamed and cheered when Sunghoon got closer, while holding one of his legs behind his back and slicking the ice at his skates with his fingers at them, while having that deadly empty expression on his face, with his body talking with them. His movements were so fluid they would express his feelings in character.

And when the music changed, Sunghoon danced. 

And he danced, with his hands above his head, he danced. It was so gracious, but so powerful, how was he doing that? The girls looked mesmerized.

He landed the axels with perfection, even doing more turns than he had to do. He still did that like he never left the rink.

When the music stopped and the routine ended, it took a while to stop the ringing in his ears, probably his blood pressure going to the pits of hell at that moment, but he couldn't care less. His body was aching, especially his ribs and his back, and maybe the lights were suddenly too much for him, but he couldn't care less at that moment.

He was flawless, as he always used to be.

When the ringing noise got louder, he noticed it wasn't only his ears, but the coach's whistle.

…Crap.

"Ok, girls, rest time is over. I want you guys training your routines, now, I'll see every one of them later. You, assistant Park, I was to talk to you, right now." Even the girls knew that Sunghoon was doomed.

"As you wish, coach Park.." He sighed, skating to the border and sitting on one of the benches, taking his skaters off and getting to his black converse highs again, walking to the little room used as the Coach's room. "Dad, I can explain, they're asking me and- I couldn't say no! Dad, c'mon! Their eyes were.. Shining! I had to do this!"

"Sunghoon, you know well why you just can't." He said, harshly. "Your therapist will know this, your doctor too."

"This literally has no need, I wasn't even training! Just.. Just helping them! You can ask, all of them loved it-"

"That's not the point, Sunghoon." He raised his voice, shutting the boy. The oldest sighed. "It's dangerous, your body isn't.. Prepared for this anymore. And you know you will have terrible pains later, right?" Sunghoon bite his lip. "My son, you understand me, right? I'm just… Worried about you, I don't think your body has the necessary muscles to do this yet, you can hurt yourself, you can pass out, it's just.. So dangerous, Sunghoon.." His voice cracked, Sunghoon felt his heart shattering. "You're still too ill for this, everyone knows that.. Sunghoon, even going to the doctor, you haven't gained a single pound since you got out of the hospital, we're worried about-"

"I'm feeling tired right now." He spoke up, looking directly into his father's eyes. They had the same eyes. "I want to go home, please, can I?"

The coach sighed.

"Use my phone to call a carpool, your mom must be waiting."

"No she isn't, it's too early." He got up, not making a single expression towards the pain he felt on his knees and his back. "See you home, good luck with the girls." He smiled, a forced smile, getting out of the room, then the court.

Sunghoon grew up on the ice rink, his father would say he learned how to skate even before knowing how to properly walk. It was something in Park's blood. Both of his parents were skaters, and they got extremely famous by skating in couple's routines, it was peak magic. When they retired, it wouldn't took that much for them to show up at the media announcing that they're expecting their first daughter. Sunghoon grew up sneaking from the cameras, just to one day has to confront all of them pointing to his face.

"Daughter of the renamed Park couple from figure skating declares on her social media that she's changing her gender! The 16 year old girl announces her chosen name as Park Sunghoon, going by the pronouns he/him, and the explanation of her journey until finding out she was, indeed, a transgender boy."

It was hell, sincerely. But he still thinks that staying in the closet would be even worse.

He grew up hungry for perfection, devouring every mistake he ever made and coming up with something twenty times better, he had a brilliant career on his hands.. And he crushed it with the same.

He didn't notice when "not having dinner or breakfast so he would look better in his competition suit" turned into "I have to vomit everything I eat or else I will get morbidly overweight ", but it happened. He thought he could go on with that, not worrying anyone… But then, he was wrong.. Again.

He was in the middle of a practice when it happened: He tried to do one of his Scorpio turns when he suddenly passed out, ending up scaring everyone who saw the trail of blood the boy left behind when his unconscious body slided in the ice. They'd find out, later, that Sunghoon had cutting his cheek somewhere in the ice, probably a direct consequence to the fact that he fell on his face.

Sunghoon got the cut stitched, but the bad news didn't stop easily. As soon as they stepped in the hospital, it was noticed that iron and oxygen were lacking in the skater's blood, such as all the other nutrients. More exams were appointing his severe bad nourishment status, severely underweight, dehydrated, with a severe case of gastritis.. Something was definitely going on there. Something that only Sunghoon knew about.

He was submitted into intensive treatment for a little more than four months, staying inpatient for a while, it was rough, it was strange, it was painful, he felt extremely guilty, and he knew it was his fault. 

He was discharged at some point, but his life didn’t come back to what he was used to. 

Sunghoon knew he wouldn’t go back to skating at that moment, but being prohibited by his parents wasn’t what he expected at all. He understood their point, that was fine, but having that dragged from his hands so abruptly was.. Terrible. And that was when his mental health started to decline again, going into the same point he was before, despite his depression and anxiety just getting worse. 

When therapy wasn’t doing it’s miracles anymore, they decided to allow him to teach the younger kids to skate, there was the time he became “Assistant Park”. Only teaching a few little girls he never met before, avoiding questions about his absence or the reason behind him quitting. They were adorable, a group of newbies being introduced to the skating world at such a young age, they made Sunghoon remind of himself when he was a kid.

When he was happy, at least. 

His body felt lighter for a while, feeling like he wasn’t able to control himself. Oh, good, now he’s gonna pass out in the taxi! Great, what was he supposed to- Nah, he just fell asleep for a while, probably because trying to ignore the annoying pain. 

He jumped out of the car when it arrived at his house, not talking anything to the driver or else. Thank god his mom wasn’t home yet. Sunghoon went to the kitchen, grabbing a ziplock bag with a few strawberries, frozen grapes and a protein drink, sending photos to his mom before eating. 

“Oh honey, you’re already home?” She texted. 

@ THEICEPRINCE

yeah 

dad caught me skating because the girls asked to see me performing doyuls routine

then he sent me home 

now im here 

dw 

ill prob take a nap or else after this 

my body is aching a little 

“You can take a pain killer if you want to, maybe a warm bath can help you too, honey.”

 @ THEICEPRINCE

sure 

thx mom 

:] 

Sunghoon laid on his bed, starting to eat the strawberries, switching the chats. 

“girlypop parade”

 @ THEICEPRINCE

my dad is so annoying sometimes 

i think he crosses the line w the whole protecting me thing

@ GALAXYSHIM

Oh hello there 

Good afternoon 

I guess 

 @ THEICEPRINCE

oh hello thom 

did i got it right

@ GALAXYSHIM

Haha yes 

How you doing, prince?

@ THEICEPRINCE

you always got me out of reaction when you call me prince 

and im 

i dont know, honestly 

i think im upset 

@ GALAXYSHIM

Why?

Was it your father? 

@ THEICEPRINCE

yeah.. 

he sent me home because i got caught skating w my class 

which im not allowed to because of my health problems 

my dad was rlly harsh on me 

like sir i just did a routine of like four minutes i guess or even less than this 

i wont die just because of this 

its just

so annoying 

he said things as if my life could end bc of just some skating 

and directly addressed to the subject of 

like 

“oh you arent gaining any weight recently youre getting sick again”

like goddamn can you just leave me alone 

im not doing this because i want to lose weight again

i was just fucking trying to help the girls 

for fucks sake

@ KXMSCENEOO

wow 

where can i watch the live action? 

@ GALAXYSHIM

Hm? 

@ THEICEPRINCE

?

@ KXMSCENEOO

yk 

hoony just sent us a whole movie script right there 

jesus christ too many messages too many letters 

if theres more than 2 lines of text i will probably give up reading

@ THEICEPRINCE

god youre so insensitive 

i was fucking venting you asshole

@ KXMSCENEOO

oop

sorry i didnt notice

are you forgiving me?

@ THEICEPRINCE

no

fuck off

@ KXMSCENEOO

please?

pretty please?

pretty please w sugar sprinkled on top?

@ THEICEPRINCE

youre so annoying 

you didnt even had to ask this 

anyways 

@ GALAXYSHIM

Getting back to what Hoony said 

Im so sorry, prince 

For the ignorance of your parents 

They dont know the limit between taking care of you and actually making things worse

They started with good intentions but.... Now its just kind of toxic 

Sorry if you don’t agree with me but I understand very well their point in keeping you away from skating or any kind of physical activities, it could make things worse for you 

It was very nice of them to let you take a few kids to teach 

But they don’t even let you teach things right.. 

Im so, so sorry about this, my prince 

@ THEICEPRINCE

you got me almost crying then broke everything with calling me yours 

@ KXMSCENEOO

thom is so fucking funny sometimes 

thom you’re so serious about everything and its so funny because the way you talk geez it looks almost.. 

flirty 

@ GALAXYSHIM

What

No 

I mean 

No 

Like

No 

What do you guys

God, no

@ THEICEPRINCE

SUNOO 

YOU BROKE HIM SO DAMN HARD

YOU GOT THE POOR BOY FLUSTERED 

@ KXMSCENEOO

IM CRYUING

SORRY THOM 

BUT ITS TRUE THO 

@ THEICEPRINCE

STOP ITTTT

@ GALAXYSHIM

I just

Don’t know how to react anymore 

Damn.. 

Im feeling my face hot 

Thom sent a picture, a picture of himself in the mirror, covering half of his face with his hand, smiling shyly, obviously blushed, as red as the strawberries Sunghoon was eating. 

@ KXMSCENEOO

YOU LOOK LIKE A TOMATO HELLO?????

@ THEICEPRINCE

STOPP

YOU WILL MAKE THINGS EVEN WORSE 

oi thom 

ignore him 

thanks for your words 

sincerely 

and thanks you for listening to me 

it meant the world for me 

@ GALAXYSHIM

Thank you for trusting me enough to have this talk with me

@ THEICEPRINCE

thom?

@ GALAXYSHIM

Yes, my prince?

@ THEICEPRINCE

you’re such a good boy 

you know this, right? 

@ GALAXYSHIM

I

Hm

Thanks

I guess

Why you just

No

Like

…

Fuck

@ KXMSCENEOO

EWWWW

YOU GUYS R REALLY FLIRTING?

RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME?

NOOOOO

DONT FUCKING THIRD WHEEL ME 

@ THEICEPRINCE

ITS SO FUNNY I CANT 

HE GOT FLUSTERED SO EASILY 

THE BEST PART IS LIKE

HE TEXT LIKE THAT DISCORD RP ACCS 

BUT IN DIFFERENT WAYS 

LIKE LOOK AT HIM FLUSTERED 

@ KXMSCENEOO

DISCORD WHAT

I CANT FUCKING BREATHEEEEEE

@ GALAXYSHIM

I will quit this group I swear 

You guys are so mean sometimes 

@ THEICEPRINCE

as if youre not already used to it 

@ GALAXYSHIM

I will pretend I'm not

@ THEICEPRINCE

if you're saying it then..

how r things going for you guys?

@ GALAXYSHIM

Are you talking about the galaxy or me and Sunoo?

@ THEICEPRINCE

….

you and sunoo

but it can be the galaxy too

@ GALAXYSHIM

Well

About me, I'm fine 

Me and Jake are doing good, actually 

I'm just here today because I was feeling a little bored 

Jake was bored, I was bored, we tried to front together and play games but he gave up and now I'm here 

I mean 

He's here too

Somewhere else 

He usually don't go often to the spaceship, neither do I

Actually I went there a few days ago 

Jake is fronting more times again, he's getting better 

@ THEICEPRINCE

but if hes not fronting 

and hes not in the spaceship

wheres he?

@ GALAXYSHIM

…

He's..

Here? 

Like

How can I explain

It's like co-fronting but he's actually a little far

Like when you're in the same room as someone but the other person has headphones on

You're together but doing separate things

Got it?

@ THEICEPRINCE

yes :]

@ KXMSCENEOO

if i said im fine i would lie

hell im not 

im like

goddamn depressed 

woke up today wanting to throw myself in front of a car again

srsly i dont even think i got up to do a thing today

i just laid in my bed and rotted for the whole day and that's all

i think i didnt even eat today

my mom must think im out for the night again

@ THEICEPRINCE

please just dont do anything thom wouldn't do

@ GALAXYSHIM

Why me?

@ THEICEPRINCE

because youre the sanest of us all

and you're our good little boy

arent you?

@ GALAXYSHIM

Nooo not again

I almost forgot it! 

Sunghoon laughed, hearing someone knocking on his door, just at that moment noticing he had spent a good time talking on his phone with his friends, distracting himself from the pain. Damn, he forgot about the painkillers..

"Who's there?" He asked, sitting straight.

"Dad's." The older one answered. The retired skater just sighed.

"Come in." He authorized. "Is it already dinner time?"

"Actually yes." He gave him a faded smile. "Did you get mad at me because of what I said at the rink?"

"I'm not gonna lie to you, I did get a little upset, I understand when you want to take care of me, and I completely agree with some of your actions, but sometimes.. It's just too much, and treating my mistake as if my life was in danger? It didn't sit right with me, I'm sorry."

"No, Sunghoon, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I made you feel like this, I was just.. Trying to protect you."

"But you crossed the line."

"Yes, and I admit it." The man sighed. "Are you coming with me?"

"Sure, Dad." He said, getting himself to his feet, or trying, sitting in his bed again right after. "Fuck." He mumbled, squeezing his eyes, hearing his father running to him again.

"Hey, hey, are you ok, young man? What 's going on?" He asked with such nervousness in his tone.

"Nothing, I just.. Shit, It hurts.." He tried to build up a solid explanation, but nothing came out.

"Hurts where? I can help you if you tell me."

"My back, and my legs. The pain got worse since this afternoon…" His voice cracked. The older Park felt his heart drop. There were the places the doctors indicated his muscles had been weakened by his condition, but Sunghoon didn't put on enough weight to build muscles again, he couldn't even exercise! "I should have warmed up before just doing that."

"You shouldn't have done that." 

Sunghoon sighed. "I know." He took a deep breath, feeling his father picking him up.

"I can pigback you to the kitchen and back, alright? Can we do it like this?"

"Sure." He agreed, seeing a tiny smile on his father's face. "Thanks, dad." 

"You're welcome, young man."

Chapter Text

Niki was the most normal boy that ever existed, maybe that's why he always put so much effort in everything when it comes to dancing. That was the only thing he had.

Niki did several dance classes before finding himself, and he was the best one in every one of them, always receiving praises, medals… He was the best in everything he did, that was true.

Nishimura took a deep breath as he sat on the floor, trying to catch out his breath again at the end of the class. His body was on fire and his mind was blurred, he felt like he would pass out at the very next moment and he loved it so bad, that was the real feeling of being a dancer. 

“Niki, are you staying after the class? Changyoon invited us to rehearse at his house.” A blonde girl, which he knew was named Bomi, approached him. Oh, yes, the famous “rehearsals” at Changyoon’s house. It was a hot topic between the dancers, it had nothing to do with rehearsing anything, to be very clear, it was just an easy opportunity for teenagers and young adults to trash themselves diving onto drugs and alcohol as a way to cope from the stress indulged by the classes. Niki firstly thought that things like that just exist in movies, but after sneaking in the depths of the academies he had been since being so young, he discovered that maybe that fictitious reality wasn’t that far from his own. 

To be honest he still considered himself a kid when he stumbled upon someone snorting things in the bathrooms of the academy. It was kinda terrifying. 

“Hm, no. Me and my family are celebrating my sister’s birthday today, so.. Yeah, maybe next time.” He smiled, awkwardly. 

“You always say you’re busy, you’re such a busy kid, aren’t you?” She passed the water bottle to Niki. 

“Not all the time, it’s not my fault he always decides to rehearse when I’m busy.” He shrugged, tossing the bottle back as he stood up. “I have to go now.. See you next class, Bomi.”

“See ya, Niki!” She waved as he walked out. 

Niki made his way to the changing rooms, putting on his clothes and going to the big mirror to fix his hair. He knew he’d probably won’t be alone, but the silence in the room was so.. Strange. 

But no, he wasn’t alone, and he knew it the worst way. 

His face turned red when he heard someone whimpering in one of the cabins at the back, followed by wet sounds, sounding like wet kisses. Ah, yes, of course, the way of relieving their worries besides doing drugs or alcohol.. “That” way…

Why was he feeling a strange sensation in his stomach? It felt shivering cold, but warm, so damn warm, warm like he could start dripping sweat again.

The sounds didn’t stop, nor that strange feeling. 

Then everything made sense, it was some kind of need. He almost forgot what that feeling was about. He almost forgot how he missed feeling like that.

He splashed more water on his face, picking up his bag and walking fast to the exit, breathing deeply. Of course he would feel like that! It has been ages since he kissed someone, and decades since he dated someone… 

God, he missed Taki. 

Taki was doing good, no point in missing him. He was fine. 

But Niki still missed him so bad.. Damn, it has been almost three years since he moved. 

After a few bus rides, there we were, at home. 

“Niki!” He heard someone screaming, hearing fast steps toward him and seeing his little sister, still half ready to the party, running to him, trying to avoid her. 

“No, no, please, no, not now! I can hug you after! Nika! Please!” He laughed, starting a chase in the living room. “Nika, I just got out of classes! I haven't even taken a shower yet!” He fake cried when the girl ignored everything he said, hugging him without thinking twice. “I’m all sweaty, Ayaka, please!” 

“I don’t care, I missed you!” The youngest of the three siblings laughed, hugging his brother even more before letting him go. “This is the first time I saw you today, Niki! I missed you.” 

“Well, but I didn’t.” He rolled his eyes, pushing the girl and smiling as he saw her shocked face. “I’m kidding, I missed you too.” 

“Stop chit-chatting you two, if mom and dad get home and find everyone like this, we’re not getting Nika’s birthday party because you know how dad is.” Konon shouted from her bedroom. Konon was the eldest one. “Ayaka, get up here again and finish getting yourself ready. Riki, shower, now!” 

“Alright.” Both of the youngests sprinted upstairs, doing what was demanded of them.

Niki wasn’t in the mood to really ruin Ayaka’s birthday party, so he took his bath and made himself ready the faster he could, wearing comfy but stylish clothing with a hairstyle that matched his vibe. He wore some rings and a necklace, walking to Konon’s bedroom, where the girls were finishing their makeup and hairstyles. 

He was jealous, they looked so much prettier. 

“I look so normal.. Ugh, I hate it, I feel ugly, I wish I could makeup like you..” He sighed, sitting on Konon’s bed, seeing the oldest one sitting on the floor, taking pictures in the mirror. “Connie, where’s your lipstick?” 

“That’s why I looked weird! Thanks, Niki.” She smiled, getting herself up and running to her makeup table. “Nika, the lipstick.”

“On my right.” The youngest answered, smoking her eyeshadow. “It would be fun to put some makeup on you, Niki, but don’t worry, you look pretty as always.” She smiled, looking at him from the mirror, he smiled back. Both his sisters knew he would rather call himself pretty than handsome.  

“You’re being nice to me.” He rolled his eyes. “I look too straight.” 

“Oh, ok, it looks kinda impossible, but if you look at it in a certain angle-”

“Nika, you were supposed to be nice to me!” He shouted, shoving his face on the pillow right next to him. The girl bursted in laughing. 

“Don’t play with him! It’s impossible for Niki to look straight, he’s all way fruity, don’t you see?” Connie pointed, laughing with her siblings. 

“Thank you for defending me, Connie, you’re the best ally.” The only boy there smiled. He considered himself a very lucky person for having his sisters to protect him. The room fell in silence again, with both of the girls getting themselves ready to the party. “I had ballet classes today, right? Right, and when I was changing to go home I got stuck with what seemed to be a couple, I guess? At the dressing room and.. I heard them doing something, well, at least I’m plenty sure I did.”

“I would say that’s nasty but I’ve seen this so frequently at my school parties that I don’t even complain anymore.” Nika commented, now spreading what seemed to be glitter on her eyeshadow. Connie didn’t make any comment on it. 

“I don’t think that’s nasty, it’s just.. Natural, you know? Hormones and all..  But I just.. Damn.” He sighed, laying on the bed again. “I miss Taki.”

“Oh not again!” Ayaka rolled her eyes, throwing the plushie next to her at Niki. Konon screamed. 

“Hey! My son! No, my poor Ollie!” Konon catched her plushie, it was an owl. 

“Oh, sorry, Ollie the Owl.” Nika pouted, as if she really hurt someone. “Anyways; Not again, Nishimura Riki! It has been two bloody years! Just get over that Taki guy! He wasn’t even that handsome.. He was so small, smaller than me!” 

“What do you have against small people? They’re cute, Taki is cute.” 

“I have nothing against Taki, I just prefer my girls taller than me- A-Anyways, that’s not the-”

Connie and Niki were speechless. 

“You what?” Konon asked, hearing a nervous chuckle coming from Ayaka’s mouth. 

“Surprise, I guess?” The youngest turned to them, smiling awkwardly. 

“Honey, that's not a surprise, I just knew!” Niki laughed, getting excited about this. “You know when I noticed something was off? When we were watching the nutcracker last year and every time I complimented a male dancer you would compliment a female dancer too, it was just out of nowhere! At first, I thought you were playing with me, but every time you were smirking! I swear I just thought ‘Oh something must be going on with this girl..’” 

“You should be proud of me! Or at least happy, now you’re not the only one in this household to be queer too.” 

“And I am, like, so much, Nika!” He smiled in pure joyness. 

“We are, Nika.” Konon smiled, hugging her owl.

“Just don’t get caught kissing a girl under this roof and we’re good with that, I’m holding the sexuality trauma burden for you, that’s what older brothers do.” Niki smiled, an unsettling smile. 

“That was a little creepy but thank you, I guess.” She smiled back, getting back to do the last details of her makeup. Ayaka looked so bubbly almost all the time, Riki didn’t want that to be pulled off. “Niki, do you.. Ever tried to work out with another guy beside Taki? I never saw you say nothing about any boy again since we moved.. And it’s been quite a time, right? I mean, Connie had six boyfriends just about this time.”

“Let’s leave my bad decisions in the past, please, if exes were good, they wouldn’t be named.. Exes.” She rolled her eyes. 

“Uhm, actually..” He sighed. “Ok, I haven’t, I think now I’m.. Afraid of trying again, I guess.. I just don’t want to lose everything again, got it? I don’t have the mental health to go through that again, none of us have..” His voice tone lowered, obviously hurt. The girls felt heavy about the subject, it was a rough time for all of them. “I’ve talked to my therapist about this, like, the feeling I have from all of the experience, sometimes I feel so guilty that I feel like I’m ruining your guys lifes, I just… Think you two would be better without me, see, you would still be in Japan, with our family, and the household mood would be just so much lighter and-”

“Stop with the bullshit, Riki.” Konon’s voice sounded harsh, Ayaka stood in silence. Riki just decided to obey. “Stop it before the worse thoughts hit you, please. If you’re not okay with trying again and facing everything now, don’t force yourself, not even to talk about it, just respect your time.” She sighed, hearing the car stopping in front of the house. “Ok, Niki, quick, your bedroom.” He got on his feet as soon as she finished the phrase. “Nika, the bath-”

“Fucking hell, the bathroom.” The girl sprinted, even knocking down some makeup accidentally. 

Riki ran to his bedroom, sitting on his bed and pulling his laptop to his lap, turning it on and opening a few ballet-related windows, pretending to be searching for something. That heavy feeling was still sitting on the pit of his stomach, he was trying so bad not to let his anxiety take over, but it wasn’t really going on as planned. 

He felt his mind blurring with all the thoughts about everything: Taki, the dance classes, the “rehearsals”, the therapy group, all the chances he rejected or avoided because of his fear of messing all up again, he would not handle duplicating his burden. 

The pacing on the hallway and the voices approaching immediately grounded him, doing this in the worst way possible. 

“Riki?” The dancer lifted his head as soon as he heard his father’s voice. “Ready?”

“Ready.” He responded, swallowing, seeing his father step further and further. He felt his heavy sight on him, Riki just knew he was checking on his clothes. 

“Whose rings are these, Riki?” He asked, taking his son’s hand. “It doesn’t suit you, makes you look strange.” And that was his father’s way to say ‘Hey son you’re not going anywhere looking like you’re gay, even though you are.’ “Take it off.”

“Yes, dad.” He stood up, taking each one of them off. 

“I know you like this kind of thing, what about those stylish neck chains and bracelets? You look so cool with them.” He tried to smile as a way to make the room lighter. “Oh, right, that’s for you.” He gave a small bag to him, Riki thanked while opening that, just to find a little fancy box with a huge golden wrist clock. It looked awful. “Why don't you try today? You’re going to look so nice! I bet all the girls will look for you tonight.” He laughed, giving his son a shoulder rub. Niki tried to go with the flow, putting the watch on. “See? You’re looking handsome now, my boy.” He kissed his son on his temple, stooding up again. “We’re waiting for you downstairs.”

“I’m coming.” He answered, following his father with his eyes until the man left. Riki took a really deep breath and just caught his chains, putting on, turning off the laptop and walking downstairs. He didn’t even think about looking at the mirror, that person in the mirror didn’t even look like him. 

He sat on the couch across the room, far from Ayaka, who wasn’t looking pleased either. Riki remembered seeing her using a skirt and a tight sleeveless shirt, now she was wearing leggings underneath the skirt and a sweatshirt, with a completely different makeup too, so much lighter, it didn't even match her! He saw her trying to apply her eyeliner to look even a bit better. It didn’t take a lot for Konon to show up, with jeans and a t-shirt, not the beautiful dress she was using before, her hair and her makeup looked different too, but out of the three, Konon was the only one that was kinda used to this, every three on them were, but they thought things would be different at the youngest’s birthday. 

They went to the car in silence, the whole ride followed like that, a deep and strange silence, so uncomfortable.

It didn’t take that much for them to arrive. The place had a lot of lights, comfortable ambient songs, an area for kids.. Everything looked good, except the three of the siblings. When they entered, they went to the booked table, where Konon’s boyfriend was waiting for them. 

Her eyes enlightened and she opened the first smile since they left home, he stood up as he saw them, waiting for them to approach. 

“Good night, Miss and Sir Nishimura.” The boy smiled. Konon waited anxiously to go to his side. They had this.. Strange rule, of course established by her father, was that he just could talk to Konon after being “approved” by her parents. 

“Good night, Jaewon.” The woman smiled, taking a seat. The man just looked at the younger boy from head to toes, analyzing everything about him. Jaewon kept his customer smile on. 

“G’night, Kiddo.” He nodded with his head, sitting beside his wife. Jaewon sighed in relief, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her closer on a hug. There was another rule: No kissing in front of anyone. 

They all accommodated themselves on the table before their parents decided to order the pizzas. Ayaka was allowed to choose one flavor beside the ones they always had and a different drink too. The waiter was a cutie, his dimples were so cute that both Niki and Nika almost blushed when he smiled. He looked strangely familiar to Niki, but he couldn’t remember where he ever saw him.

Besides that, why was he feeling observed? Well, it must be some anxiety sort of thing or whatever, he didn’t even think deeper about that, he was there to have fun, or at least try to. 

It was all nice until he looked at a corner and saw two brilliant eyes staring at him, hiding itself when Niki stared back. He got shivers, c'mon, he was a kid that grew up on the internet! He knew very well about eyes staring at you in a goddamn pizzaria.

The dancer made himself aware of his surroundings, getting a little relieved when he saw there were no signs of animatronics around. It was still creepy.

And, without any survival instinct of a horror game player, he decided to check on what was looking at him. Thank God the thing was at the same entrance that seemed to be the restrooms.

"May I.." He didn't finish the phrase, just pointed out to the restrooms.

"Yes, of course, dear." His mom nodded, he smiled and got up, walking to the entrance.

Then, he discovered that the sparkly eyes weren't some kind of monster, camera, animatronic or even a walking endoskeleton as he saw in the games. The owner of the sparkly eyes was, indeed, a 5'9" red haired boy with round glasses, wearing a customer service uniform with a name tag that said "Jungwon Y.". 

What in the world..

"Wait, do you work here?" The dancer asked. Jungwon was obviously flustered, his smashable cheeks were even blushed! They seemed like peaches and they looked so soft.. Niki got to control himself not to pinch it! Wait, what was he thinking about?!

Jungwon reacted out of spite, grabbing Niki to the customer's office. The boy who was waiting for the purple guy just found out there's, in his place, a red guy who didn't look dangerous at all.

"My mom runs this place, it's a family thing." Just then, he answered looking at Riki's face. Having a cute guy holding him by his shirt and pushing him to the wall was just.. Too much. His face was burning, again, the same as he felt earlier in the changing room, but better. So much better. "Sorry, I didn't-" 

"No, that's ok, I just.. Uhm, can you-" He pointed to his hand grabbing his shirt. Jungwon immediately let him go. "Thanks."

"You look different today." Jungwon said, crossing his arms.

"My father made me wear this, It's like.. A straight version of myself." He shrugged, laughing. Jungwon was unsure if he could laugh with him. "Don't worry, I'm gay, that's the joke- Like, not the- Oh god." He cracked a nervous laugh, hearing him laugh too. "The joke is that my parents are so homophobic and, like, I'm so gay, and- Can you just stop laughing at me?"

"I got it the first time, but seeing you explain was so cute!" His smile made his eyes squeeze, he was so cute. "Don't worry, I'm bisexual, everyone in my house is, but mom is cool with that, so-" 

“Is your mom accepting another son?" He asked on the spot, making Jungwon burst into laughs again. He did the same, maybe his first genuine smile in so long. 

"I can ask her." He said, shrugging, looking at Niki. They felt in silence again, a strange yet comfortable silence. "Is it your birthday?"

"No, my sister's." He explained. 

"Do you want a birthday ticket for a free pizza? I can give you one-"

"Actually no, but…" Niki sighed, thinking a little about that. "Can you do me a favor?"

"Uhm, sure?" The customer answered, hesitantly.

"Go to my table and give the ticket to my sister, but… Write your number in the back, as if you're giving that to her." The japanese explained.

"I'm sorry but I'm not interested in dating right now-" Yang said, flustered.

"Who said it was for her?" Niki responded, without even letting him finish the sentence.

Oh… Oh.

"Gotcha." Yang said, turning his back, trying to hide his flustered cheeks. "Wait for me there then."

"Thanks, Jungwon. Wait, did I get it right?" He turned before he went back, on the doorway.

"Yes, Niki." The smallest yet older looked at him, receiving a smile before Niki left.

"Hey, kid, where were you?" He almost jumped when he walked into his father on the corner.

"Bathroom. Sorry, the lights were too much there." He lied, using his issues on his side. 

"We're going home, Ayaka just finished her birthday cake." He said, grabbing the boy by his arm and taking him to the table. Niki prayed to the heaven above to not get beaten in the bathroom of the pizzaria like his father did that time at the mall. "Got Niki back, he was just over- Over what, kiddo?"

"Overwhelmed, sorry." He apologized, not even taking his seat again.

"Don't worry, darling. We're just about to come home, right?" The eldest woman got on her feet, waiting for the kids to do the same. 

"Excuse me." A red haired waiter just showed up, smiling. In the eyes of everyone, he looked strangely like the other waiter. In Niki's eyes, he looked cute. "My brother said there's a birthday girl here?" He looked around, smiling even more when he saw Ayaka. "That's our gift card, you can use it now to have a free pizza and a free soda or you can send the number behind a picture of the card and have it any other day." He handed her the card, the girl literally jumped in excitement, bouncing side to side. He could almost touch her happiness.

"A shame we just paid the bill.. But we can use this another time, the service here was incredible, without any doubts we will show up here again." The man smiled, leading his family to his car. Jaewon had already left a couple minutes ago.

The ride was peaceful until they decided to stop at a grocery store. The kids were left in the car, in the parking lot.

"Where's the card?" The boy asked, poking Ayaka's cheek.

"That's my gift card! You can have yours when your birthday come!"

"I'm not talking about the card, you little annoying thing!" He pinched her cheek until he decided to hand him the card. 

"What do you want with it?" She asked, no answer, seeing him look directly to the back of the card, smirking as he added the phone number on his phone's agenda, saving it as "Won" and a squirrel emoji. Ayaka was totally out of words for a second. "Connie! Connie! Niki got the cute waiter's number!"

Chapter Text

Heeseung didn't even know what a good night of sleep was since his father showed up with that new girl.

There was always any kind of noise: Laughing, moaning, screaming, crying…

But gagging sounds were new to that household.

Heeseung's mom was a businesswoman, representing his father's company. The woman was always traveling somewhere to introduce new projects or attend meetings.. They were successful, not as a couple, obviously.

It was a quarter past six in the morning, Heeseung just knew his father wouldn't be home, so he left his bed, which he had been rolling side to side for the past hour ago, trying to sleep again, and went following the sounds.

There she was.

The blonde girl was on the floor, vomiting her insides out on the toilet bowl. Heeseung sighed and approached the girl, holding her hair up. He was used to doing that with Jay. He smiled remembering the troublemaker.

He knew her name was Haram, she was younger than him and that was so, so strange. He prefered not even asking where they met because he was a bit afraid of the answer, so it will remain unknown. Haram was dating his father for a couple of months, almost a year, and she was staying at their home for the past five or four months. Heeseung was told she was pregnant a week ago, even though he already had his suspicions, the confirmation was heavy on his back, not only because he had been an only child for 19 solid years, but because of the situation, this messed up situation!

He found himself taking care of Haram while she had her morning sickness so much time in the last months that he was almost feeling like the baby was more his than his father's.

Thinking about that left a bitter taste on Heeseung's tongue.

He almost felt like he was the next one to throw up there.

"Done?" He asked, seeing her falling down, fully sitting on the floor at that moment.

"I think I don't have anything left to let out." She said, out of breath. "Thanks, Heeseung."

"You're welcome." He mumbled, helping the girl to stand up, feeling her body hotter than usual. "Haram, are you having a fever?" He asked, seeing her lose her balance and deciding to pick the girl up. "Haram, are you there?"

"What do you want?" She mumbled. This wasn't the first time he saw her having a fever.

"What do you doctor say about you having these crazy fevers all the time? What about the baby? What if you get so hot it boils them!" She laughed. "I'm being serious!"

"Don't worry that much, Heeseung, the doctor said it was because my body still… Don't recognize the baby yet, it sees the baby as a threat or something like that.. It happens for a certain time until the body gets used, but mine seem to still refuse my baby."

"It must be my father's genes, if I was your body, I would have gotten rid of it a long time ago." He shrugged, laying her down on his father's bed and getting the little emergency kit ready, putting a towel with alcohol and water on her forehead and another one on her bump. She was four months pregnant, he guessed. "The baby is huge."

"I know, right? I can feel them kicking softly, someday you should try to do so! My mom could feel it, she was the first one to feel besides me! It was.. This week, I guess."

"Cool." He answered, forcing a smile and handing her a protein bar and a few pills. "Vitamins, water, a pill for the fever and a protein bar, eat the protein bar first." He pointed. "I will leave when the housekeeper arrives, you already know this, I'm going to the gym, then I might go to therapy after."

"Okay, thanks, Heeseung." She smiled. He didn't even answer.

He ran into his bedroom again, locking himself in the bathroom. While the bathtub was filling, he took a deep breath, pressing his back on the wall and sliding his way until he was sitting on the floor. This was peak craziness, that was his routine every bloody day, why? This isn't even his baby! Why did he have to babysit both the mother and the unborn child? It was sickening, Heeseung was sick of that.

He needed to chill out.

He reached the cabinet's drawer next to him, searching for something he never found. Fuck, he had used the last bit of that last time.

He pulled the drawer above, catching the carton of cherry flavored cigarettes and lighting up one, letting the smoke burn his lungs. Painfully pleasing, that felt just right at that moment.

He smoked a few more before getting to the bathtub, bringing the carton with him. He texted one of his contacts, scheduling for them to meet at the skate park near the Island after gym. He finished his bath quickly, getting his best gym clothes and getting ready to..

He looked at his reflection in the mirror.. There's no way he's going to the gym that day.

He decided to put on some of his best clothing along with sunglasses, prepare a backpack and get downstairs to eat something, thankfully the housekeeper was already there! He exchanged a few words with her before going out.

He took the motorcycle keys to the garage and went with that. He always prefered driving cars, but a motorcycle would do the job for today.

The spoiled kid ran his way to the racing club. The owners knew him very well, so they would just let Heeseung do whatever he wanted to because, of course, he had enough money for everything. He picked up the car’s key and the uniform, conducting himself to the changing room and doing that the fastest he could, heading to the garage near the speedway, taking his favorite car, the one he just knew no one would even touch.

Driving was his favorite thing to do, clearly. Since he learnt how to drive, even his tricycles when he was a little kid, he just knew that would be something he would carry on for the rest of his life.

He was madly in love with that, maybe addicted was the term that approached the most the intensity of what he felt. His favorite place in the world was behind the driving wheel, with his cigarettes, his sunglasses and his favorite playlist blasting on the car’s speaker. His smile was the biggest ever when he was hitting the accelerator, feeling the gusts of wind on his face.. This was just his own paradise, no one would ever understand what that felt like.

He usually drove one-handed, with the other arm resting on the open window, usually holding a cigarette between his fingers, as he was doing at that moment. With the fingers tapping on the driving wheel on the rhythm of the music playing and it felt so damn good. It was just.. Ethereal.

The red haired began singing, loudly, almost screaming, knowing no one would hear him. He felt his chest burning in excitement and it was incredible, nothing ever would replace the feeling he had when he was on the driveway.

Then, something scared him.

It was one of the racers, probably training for some tournament or whatever, but he showed up out of nowhere, cursing Heeseung and honking at him. Lee was torn to the real world again, almost throwing his car at the safe lane.

He felt himself shaking, not this bullshit again.

His thoughts became a carousel of memories, as if he was living that moment again, and again, and again.. He rested his head on the driving wheel, taking deep breaths and trying to ground himself, it wasn’t enough. He felt himself out of breath, with his brain totally fogged, it was a living nightmare. The moments started flashing his mind, he heard screams, sirens, there was blood on the car glass, his body was aching again, he almost felt like he couldn’t move.

When the ringing on his ears stopped, he felt someone tapping his shoulder. A real person, not a hallucination like he had sometimes.

“Heeseung, everything is fine?” One of the employees asked, rubbing his shoulder. He knew that man, he was the older son of the owners. He knew him very well.

“Beomgyu?” He called, hearing his voice fainting. Not now..

“Yes? Yes darling, I’m here.” He smiled, softly. Beomgyu knew what happened, he was there, he saw everything, and everytime Heeseung came there to drive, Beomgyu was there to take care of him if something happened.

And it was happening.

“I don’t know who that fucker was, but someone passed by shouting at me and God I was scared, I didn’t know how to react, I just.. Threw myself here and-”

“I know, my parents told me to come here because you didn’t move for half an hour.” He chuckled, trying to change the subject or make it feel lighter.

“Half an hour?” He asked, totally shocked. Great, so that was really a panic attack. “Fuck, sorry, like, I’m deeply sorry, specially if I caused any trouble here or disturbed anyone.. Sorry, just.. Sorry.”

“That’s ok, hun! You didn’t disturb anyone, that’s totally fine.” He smiled, a true smile. He was always so kind. “So, do you want any help? Do you want me to drive you somewhere?”

“I have to leave now, I have therapy now, you know, I have to treat this thing, I can’t freak out like this often, this is dangerous.” He tried to force a laugh, sighing. “And yes, I would appreciate your help, I think I’m kinda stuck here?”

“That’s fine, darling, do you want any help to change sides?” He smiled, gently stroking the red hair.

“No, I’m fine.” Heeseung smiled, getting out of the car and changing to the passenger’s seat. “Thanks, Beom.”

“You’re welcome, you know I’m always here.” Beomgyu smiled, taking the seat and driving Lee to the garage in silence, respecting his moment. “Good luck on therapy today, Hun.”

“Thank you, Beom, really, I’m very grateful for your help, you know this, right?”

Beomgyu smiled, getting out of the car just after Heeseung did. “Yes, and I hope you know I’m grateful for having you by my side, hun.”

They said their goodbyes to each other, then Heeseung left, having to force himself to ride to the skate park. where he agreed to meet his ‘friend’. Usually after having panic attacks like ones where he would even lost his senses about his surroundings would just make him feel tired, so tired that his body would ache all day long, that was terrible, but it was barely midday, so he would have to carry on his pain for a while until he got home again.

He turned his motorcycle down, pulling his cellphone from his pocket and checking the messages just so see something he wasn't expecting, something that made his blood boil.

'Hey mate. I'm sorry, got on some problems here and I don't think I can meet you today. See you tomorrow, my house? I can give you some good stuff if you want to as a compensation.' That was the message sent by the one who was supposed to meet him at that moment.

He sighed, alright, nothing would make his day worse.

He sat down on a few stone benches near the skate park, pulling another cigarette and taking a deep breath before really inhaling the smoke. That's fine, shitty days happen with almost everyone, but why on that damn day? Why did everything have to go the worst way possible all on the same day? His bad luck was really showing.

He stuck with his cigarettes, praying for the time to fly as fast as it did at the club, but it won't, time was going so slow it felt like he was counting down the minutes.

Suddenly, a not so familiar voice struck him.

"I never saw you there this early, did you got lost in time?" The voice asked, it was Jake! The boy looked a little sweaty and held a skateboard with him, Heeseung didn't even know he skated. "Sorry, I think that was a bit rude, to be honest."

"Not even a bit." Heeseung laughed, seemingly confused. "What are you doing here?"

"Skating, I always skate here before the sessions start." Shim smiled, sitting down as Heeseung tapped the seat beside him. He sat down with one of his legs up to the bench, which was a bit uncanny to Lee, but nothing much, he guessed..

"Want some?" He offered the cigarette, Jake just shook his head in disagreement.

"I don't smoke, but thank you, I guess.."

"Do you drink then?" He asked, trying to maintain a conversation.

"Nope." He shrugged.

"What do you do then?"

"I like candy, energetics, apple juice and french fries, does it count?"

"Well.. It's a nice response." Heeseung agreed. "I like fries too, that's a mutual feeling."

"Quite of." He smiled. He knew nothing about Jake, but he was a nice boy.

"Where's your friends? Every time I see you, you're with them."

"They're coming, Sunghoon had classes today, Sunoo too, different kinds of classes, like, Sunghoon is a teacher and Sunoo studies." He explained. Apparently he had this thing with over-explaining himself.

"Got it." He nodded. "Do you study something? Or you just live life like what it is?"

"Actually, I'm kinda in a rest year for now, taking care of myself and all, but I would like to study psychology, like, for real, I want to help people like me, giving them the help I couldn't find for most of my life."

"Like us, you mean?" Kim smiled.

Jake didn't smile back. "Yes, kind of." He seemed nervous. "And you? What do you want to do? Or study, maybe?"

"I think the answer is kinda obvious, I want to be a professional racer, but I can't and my father wants me to take on the family business, so I might study something related to economy or business, I don't know."

"I asked what you wanted to do." It came out almost as a tease. It was quite uncommon, Heeseung thought no one would ever ask that to him.

"Maybe go on your friend's side and be a teacher? Philosophy or physical education, maybe." He shrugged, seeing a little smile in Jake's lips. He was like a stranger a few minutes ago, now he knew something not even Jay knew about him.. That was weird.

"You would be a good professional, if you want to know." Jake's smile grew wider.

"I say the same for you." Heeseung responded, shoving the carton down his pocket. "You have a good way to talk, do you know this?"

"Thanks, I guess? That's the first time someone said something like this to me."

"I'm being serious right now! You have such a way with words, it's wonderful, I don't know how to explain, it's just.. Smart, I never noticed you were this smart."

"I think that's because we didn't have a conversation like this before? Sure, we see each other every friday and we do group therapy together for quite a while, but we never really interacted or something, I stayed with my friends and you stayed with Jay."

"You know what? Do you want to have a conversation again next friday, then? Just to know more about each other." Kim suggested, leaving Jake a little out of words. So sudden.

"I'm always here earlier on fridays, but I usually stay by myself.. Maybe talking with someone wouldn't be that bad." The former model smiled.

"Don't get enchanted by Heeseung's charms, Shim! It isn't worth the shot." It was Sunoo, approaching with Sunghoon on his side.

"We were just talking, nothing more than that." Jake rolled his eyes, turning to Heeseung. "Are you coming?"

"You can go, I'll be there in a moment." He shrugged, receiving a smile as Jake left with his friends. Heeseung lit up his last cigarette, feeling a little more optimistic. Maybe his day wasn't a full disaster at all.

Chapter Text

“It’s been a while since this stupid kind of activities.. It was better when we were just chatting.” Jay rolled his eyes, staring at the blank canvas.

“They say art is your soul's door, it must be good, somehow." Niki replied, apparently excited with the activity.

"When was the last time we painted something?" Thom asked, with his own mind as blank as the canvas, having no damn idea about what to do with that.

"I don't know.. I literally don't know, maybe the last time we had an activity like this? Man, what if you call Liz for some advice? She loves painting." Jake thought, organizing the paints.

"Asking a little for help? Jake, you've been better." Jake smiled, hearing his brother laugh. "Didn't tell you, alright, do you believe Sunghoon called me a 'good little boy' last time we talked?"

"I saw! Like, it was accidentally, Sunghoon brought up the subject he said that day and I read the messages.. You really talk like you're flirting, Thommy, sorry to break your expectations.. Keep an eye on it or you will end up with a boyfriend any time soon."

"Well, if the boyfriend is Sunghoon, maybe I won't complain that much.."

"Thom?! What the hell? He's my best friend!"

"Stop staring at Sunghoon, Jake, it's starting to look creepy." Jay whispered, scaring Jake with the sudden approach. "Wow, there wasn't a single thought in your head, your eyes look empty.."

"Sorry, I- Sorry, Sunghoon, did I scare you?" The former model asked, receiving a gentle smile from his best friend.

"No, never, don't think too much about this, I know you." Park smiled.

"His smile is so cute." Thom said, almost thinking to himself.

"You're kidding, don't you?" Jake responded, rubbing the brush against his own wrist, reminding himself he had to pay attention to the room too.

"Jake, why are you blushing?" Sunoo asked, trying not to laugh about the situation. "You woke up and decided to fall in love with Sunghoon today?"

"What- Wait, no!" Jake tried to explain himself. "Thom, what are you doing, why am I blushing? You're not in love with my best friend, aren't you?" He thought, totally in disbelief, hearing the other boy laughing. "Thom. It's his fault, Thom is too close to the front." Sunoo laughed even more.

"He's still thinking about the conversation he had with Sunghoon last time we talked, I'm pretty sure of this." The former gifted kid replied, nodding negatively with his head with a smile on his lips.

"You know, we're a group and excluding others isn't cool, Little Fox." Jay let his gaze drop under Sunoo, who just rolled his eyes.

"How annoying.."

"Kids, I'm sorry, it was a little rough to find a canvas for Jungwon." The doctor smiled, entering the room with the red haired boy. They were positioned in a circle, all with canvas and art supplies. "So, as you guys know, it's Jungwon's second day here and I thought having a little dynamic between the group would be perfect for the moment. As you guys already saw, we have a blank canvas today, and I would like you to deposit your feelings with the paint there following my instructions, so, everyone is ready?"

"But if you're telling us what to do, then it can block our imagination, doesn't it?" And, of course, it was Jay who asked the stupid question.

Jake was listening, again, to the explanation, not even trying to understand again, he already got that.

"You want to do this together? It would be nice, we can do it half and half or find a better way." Jake thought, playing with the pencil between his fingers.

"If you're comfortable with it, I'm ok with doing it." Thom replied. Jake just felt he was too close, like a hand on his shoulder.

Jake didn't reply back, just let his guard down, he knew Thom would know what to do.

And he did. He felt that coming and just waited, he didn't know the time it took, but when he realized he could feel Thom with him, he was there, the chill he felt on his spine was a confirmation. Still getting used to Thom there, they started brushing the paint brush again on their hand, kind of grounding themselves there, reminding them they were on the same body.

Visually, for any other person there, it would look like if Jake almost fell asleep for a moment, but returned right back then.

No one noticed, except for Jungwon.

He was staring at their soul, for some reason.

And the most adult thing they decided they would do was… Stare back.

Why not?

"So, are you ready? Can we start?" The doctor asked. All the boys replied positively. There was no registered winner to the Jungwon versus The Twins staring contest. "Let's start with something easy, as a warm up, shall we? Take up your favorite color and draw the thing you hate the most."

“Water.” They thought together, almost in unison.

“But what color?” Jake thought, looking at the color and the palette. “Hm, what’s your favorite color again, Thommy?”

“Red.”

“Red!” They smiled, picking up the color red. Now they had a blood ocean, or maybe a fire ocean.

Jake peeked up the drawing next to them, Thom was curious about how the brains around him would process the proposal.

Jay was proudly looking at his outline of what seemed to be a bottle, or at least it resembled one.

Niki was.. Doing something, they wasn’t sure what, just definitely something.

“Done?” The doctor asked, most of them responded positively. “Now, you guys can add a detail that resembles the person on your right side.”

“What do we have for Jay?” Thom asked, cleaning their paint brush.

“I thought about a black crow, he reminds me of a crow, somehow.” They pouted. “How in the world can we draw a black crow? I don’t even know how a black crow looks like, all the birds looks the same.”

“Just some random ‘V’ shaped things floating in the sky and we can say they’re flying, I guess.”

“Thommy, you’re a genius.”

He smiled as he started doing the little ‘V’ shaped black birds.

“Aw, I wish I was at Sunghoon’s side, my draw would look good with a little bow.” Jay said, provoking the former skater.

“I’m gonna make you swallow this paint brush, Park Jay.” He threatened, looking quite serious about this.

“I’m good at swallowing things, but I don’t know if paint brushes count.” He smirked, staring at Sunghoon. The youngest Park’s blood ran hotter in his veins.

“If you start laughing, Kim Sunoo, the next one will be you.” Sunghoon threatened, again, hearing his best friend laughing at the situation.

“You know I’m as good as him swallowing things.” He chuckled, screaming when Sunghoon painted his cheek blue, bursting into laughs. At that point, all the boys were laughing.

“Doctor! I want to paint Heeseung’s cheek too, can I?” Jay asked, Heeseung made a disgusted expression.

“You’re crazy but not that much.. I swear, if you lay a finger on me, this black lipstick of yours will next be yellow paint.” Heeseung said, trying to dodge everytime Jay threatened to paint him. “Stop it!” He was already laughing at that point.

“Ok, ok, guys, focus here.” Even the doctor was laughing, maybe that was because the room looked like a kindergarten. “Now, something related to the best memory you have.”

They felt the body freezing.

Memory.

Their grip held tighter onto the paint brush.

Memory?

They shared some memories, of course, they’re always together, they’re brothers. Twins, after all, there’s always tons of stories about twins that somehow had a strong connection that almost made them feel like they just couldn’t separate, ever.

Of course, that subject was even more personal when it came to them.

The point was: Memories sometimes could look different when you’re a system. Jake sometimes would feel that his memories were stolen from him and it felt so… Unfair. Why? Why can everyone deal with their problems, or their traumas, or their memories, even the best ones, but not him? Not them? Why? Sometimes he just felt such weakness, such a lack of control, almost if he wasn’t the owner of his own life, maybe someone has stolen his life too..

He felt a hand stroking his own shoulder, when Jake looked at it, was his own hand, stroking himself in a caring way, calming him down and trying to ground himself.

It was Thommy.

“Calm down. I’m here, you’re too.” He was reminded, feeling that same chill down his spine. Thom was trying his best to ground Jake and not let him go. He felt that Jake didn’t really want to leave. “What’s your best memory, Jake? Because I loved that way we had the winter sleepover at school.”

“The truth or dare one?” He asked back, lightly smiling. “I think… The first snow after Zach was born, it was just.. Beautiful. It was the first time I held him, I remember everyone’s smile.”

“It was the first time I heard his laughter! I miss when the boys were like that, now they’re almost our size..”

“We aren’t tall, but there’s no doubt we weren’t this small too.” They smiled. “So, can we go with the snow?”

“Sure! We can make it pink, because the water is red.” He pointed out, mixing the paints until they had a faded pink, sprinkling that into the canva, making little dots with the color.

“When you’re done, boys, you can complete the painting, relating that the most to what you guys felt this week. It can be drawing, or with the colors, or the ambient, I’ll leave it up to you. You have… Fifteen minutes.”

They tried to stabilize the tune between them, effortlessly doing that, laying in their “twins sense”. In a blink of an eye, there was a blood river, with dead trees on its sides, what seemed to be black crows resting on the branches while others flew away. And, obviously, the snow.

They looked around when the painting was definitely finished, seeing Jungwon staring somewhere else, not them, that time, but Heeseung, specifically his painting.

He noticed.

“Lost something here, Jungwon?” He asked. Jungwon looked awkwardly lost.

“Sorry, I just.. It looks so good, do you do this often or-”

“Kid, I think I haven't gone near paints and paintbrushes since I was in primary school.” He laughed nervously. Jungwon was stunned.

They felt curious about it. What on earth did Heeseung draw?

"We have a little time left, I will give you guys the opportunity to explain a bit of what you draw, just what you feel comfortable with." The doctor smiled. "You can turn your painting to the others if you want."

Sunghoon was the first.

They could roughly recognize what seemed to be a shadow of a ballerina tied on strings on a stage, but the stage had fire on it, or maybe that's blood too, but it was orange and yellow too.. They smiled when they noticed the pink bow on the ballerina's hair.

"Do you want to explain a little, Sunghoon? It looks.. Kind of interesting." The doctor said, intrigued.

"Well, uhm, there's a funny thing here, I misheard the first thing, I guess, and I drew something that I don't like with a color I don't like, which is the doll, the ballerina, whatever… It's a silhouette, so I painted it black, and it's my least favorite color." Surprisingly, his clothes were black. "I drew the stage as my favorite memories because.. I don't think I'm able to draw an ice rink here, so.. Let's go with the stage." He laughed. "The strings are details, like the bow, and the fire represents Sunoo because I think his will and his energy really matches this image? Because it's strong and it can last like it won't go away until he takes everything he can from that."

"You're being nice to me, you never said these cheeky things to me.. And I'm not saying thank you, because you just did your job as my best friend to tell the truth." Sunoo shrugged, trying to hide his smile.

"I can go next." Jay said, turning his painting for everyone. "I'm not explaining a thing, but you have your imagination, use it."

They recognized the bottle, of course, but inside was… Something. It was a mess, they could see black, blue, violet, even pink, and dots, white dots, little sprinkles that reminded them of their snow, it didn't look like snow.

But it did look like stars.

"May I ask where am I here?" They asked, looking into the drawing.

"You're the galaxy inside the bottle, for two different reasons: One of them is the fact that you always seem like you're in another planet or another dimension, your own dimension, so I like calling you astronaut, and the other is.. You just remind me of one, because.. The whole galaxy thing, and the constellations, stars.. It's just a bunch of things that, when they're together, they become a.. Big thing, just like you and the others inside you, I think. You are your separate "you"s, but together you are a big "you", like a "we", but it's in fact, you.. C'mon, say you understand me.."

They smiled. If he kept on talking, they might have started crying out of pure joyness. They always loved galaxies, not even mentioning that "Galaxy" was their system's name.

They saw Sunghoon and Sunoo smiling across the room too.

“I think you did better than I would ever do if I tried to describe myself.” They smiled, feeling joyness sparkling in their chest. They wanted to take the drawing home. “Thank you, I guess.”

“You’re welcome, but the painting wasn’t all about you.” And there is Park Jay again.

“You’re so dry sometimes.” Sunghoon rolled his eyes. “Well, do you have something to explain about the red bow?”

“I said I won’t explain a thing but mind you that’s not a bow, but part of a gift wrap, the one who likes bows here, Bows.” The troublemaker smiled.

“The paintings are making me feel terrible. you guys are almost artists then there’s me.” Niki turned his painting. The white canvas was, basically, divided into sections, four sections: Three of them made in black paint, and just one in a yellow paint.

The room fell into silence.

“It looks like an indie music album cover.” Jungwon was the only one that decided to say something. “I like it.”

“It’s a concept, I guess.” Heeseung shrugged, showing his painting.

The room fell into silence again, but most like a shocking silence, not a “I don’t know how I have to react” silence.

Heeseung’s painting looked graphic, curiously graphic, how could he do something like that with so little time? It was possible to see hands with some kind of blue liquid, a red driving wheel in what seemed to be a car. The hands had a black ring in one of the fingers.

At Heeseung’s right, Jay played with his black ring when he noticed the detail.

“Now I understand why Jungwon asked if you’re a professional at this, it looks beautiful.” Niki said, in delight.

“Nah, Bullshit.” The spoiled kid shrugged. It was clear in his tone, he wasn’t trusting the compliments, not even a bit.

Jake noticed his hands and arms dirty with the paint, the painting although very beautiful, looked a bit rough: He had painted it with his fingers. That was so cool.

The group ended the segment there, led by the doctor to the end of the meeting. They thought it would be nice to talk a little more to Sunghoon or Sunoo.

Sunoo was the first one to leave, almost running, he didn’t look behind or anything. Something must have happened.

“Are you going after Sunoo or..” They asked, whispering to Sunghoon.

“I don’t think it’s a great idea, he was shaking… Something must have triggered him, I don’t know- God, the car.” He recalled, sighing. “The car in Heeseung’s painting.”

“I never saw him triggered with this but… It does make sense.” They sighed. “Are you leaving alone?”

“Yes, do you want to go somewhere?” They thought. Nothing came to their mind.

“Do you want?”

“I’m not gonna lie, I feel so tired today.” He sighed, stretching his body.

“Go home then, and rest, have a nice tea or grab a few fruits, put on something interesting on TV and enjoy the rest of the day, ok?” The twins smiled, ruffling through Sunghoon hair. Park smiled to them in a silent ‘thank you’.

“Text me when you get home? Text us, the groupchat exists for a reason.” He pouted. Thom refused to believe the butterflies in Jake’s stomach, because that surely wasn’t his.

“Sure.” They kissed Sunghoon’s forehead, biding a last farewell before heading home.

“What was the butterflies?” Thom asked, distancing himself from the front. Jake felt his stare burning through his skin. “Don’t say..”

“I won’t.” Jake sighed, running when he saw his bus coming, getting on it as fast as he could.

“We’re screwed, aren’t we?” Thom sighed, pacing in circles trying not to get bored. He heard someone knocking on the door and turned to open it, seeing Claire there.

Claire, 19, the Galaxy’s backup host, also known as… The third twin.

“Is it over?” She asked, curling her recently bleached hair. “Can I take over?”

“We’re in the bus, going home, enjoy your ride.” He shrugged, seeing the girl walk to the pilots chair, helping Jake to come out of it and slowly taking his place.

Jake blinked a few times, taking deep breaths and rubbing his eyes, getting used to the spaceship again. As cliche as it could be, if they're a Galaxy, of course the headspace would be a spaceship.

The front window was a clear view to what the current fronter was seeing, all the ones that surrounded the command centre were a clear view to, not shockingly, the space.

“Are you staying here with her? Do you want to go downstairs with me?” Thom asked, holding his brother's hand to assure him he was with him. Jake stared at him for a while before nodding positively. “Great, let's go.”

Thom guided him to the ladder they knew very well, climbing it down until they reached the spaceship’s cafeteria.

There always was someone hanging out there, no matter when you decided to visit.

Dahlia was looking at her tablet, probably passing by the cameras. Elizabeth, or just Liz, was by her side, drawing something with the coloured crayons she always carried with her.

She was the first to notice the twins there.

“Lia, look!” The girl pointed out, giggling. “The boys are here!”

“Liz!” Thom cracked a smile, opening his arms as the little girl ran to him, throwing her body at him in the warmest hug he could receive.

“Hi.” Jake waved, shyly. He wasn't used to coming down on the headspace, most of the time, he just threw himself down to the room he had there, locking the door as he never did in his own house. Liz waved back, as cheerful as a seven year girl could be. “Any news, Dahlia?”

“Actually, things are pretty nice.” She shrugged, still focusing on the cameras. “How was the meeting?”

“Pretty great! We did a painting today! Oh, Liz, you'd have loved today's meeting!” Thom pouted as he saw her doing the same, crossing her arms.

“You should’ve called me! You know I'm an artist.” She mumbled, swinging his legs back and forth.

“I thought of it.” The boy explained, heading again to the seat next to Dahlia.

Jake saw them talk about something he couldn't understand, with a strange muffling in his ears and blurring in his vision, he knew he was still dissociating, but he was totally sure about it when, in his perspective, he blinked and “woke up” by his bedroom. The ‘inside’ one, not the outside.

Jake's bedroom in the spaceship was what he always dreamt his outside bedroom looked like: With coloured lights and galaxy projectors, and his poems hanging on the walls with pictures of him and the ones he loved, not even mentioning his own bed! That was.. Magic. It felt like home, Jake's home.

Maybe that was the reason he spent weeks locked there, sleeping, organizing, exploring everything he could reach for. Jake loved his bedroom because it was just like him, he knew he could express himself there! He could be who he really was!

Jake always considered the possibility of just giving up on being the host. Sure, everything was easier for him because the body looked exactly like him and had the same name, age, but was it really worth it? Jake loved the people outside, but he learnt better how to put yourself first as he grew up, and it made him realize he hated being outside most of the time… Now, it happened less, but still was something he thought of.

As the boy curled up into his bed, it didn't take long for him to sleep, something peaceful, never comparing to the restless nights he had when sleeping on the body, not mentioning the weird dreams he always had due to the sleeping pills. He woke up, got himself up and took the elevator to the front panel of the spaceship, Dahlia wasn't there so he had to read his digital to enter the panel, just to be welcomed by the vision of Dahlia restlessly writing down something.

He tried to peek through her words, but being careful wasn't his best, it didn't take so long for her to notice his presence, pushing him away straight to the elevator again.

And then, Jake returned to his bedroom. Maybe going back to sleep do was the best option he had.

Chapter Text

Jungwon wasn't just a candle, he was the whole damn candelabrum. 

He was making sure to chew his popcorn the loudest he could, just to interrupt his brother and boyfriends making out in front of him. Not reaaally in front, but you got the point. 

Jeongin’s phone rang, announcing that it was time to take his little brother to therapy, because his mental illnesses wouldn't just vanish because everyone wished for it! They had to, actually, do something about it. 

Jungwon got on his feet quickly, pausing the movie and clapping his hands the loudest he could, receiving a stare from Seungmin, one of the boys Jeongin dated, while the mentioned Yang just decided not to care at all, still kissing Hyunjin, his other partner, so passionately Jungwon almost felt sick.

— If you ain't taking me to therapy, you're going to pay me a ride. — Jungwon crossed his arms, staying in disbelief when his older brother just tossed the cellphone to him, unlocked, pulling Seungmin closer to that mess. Jungwon felt the urge to throw up on top of the three of them. — You're disgusting.

The youngest rolled his eyes while running upstairs, getting himself ready the faster he could and leaving in the same pace, getting himself ready to rant to his therapist about him being completely abandoned by his older brother! How could he hurt his little brother's feelings like that? Jungwon looked himself on the mirror for a bit, deciding to put one or two different kinds of makeup before leaving, dramatically deciding to leave by the corridor’s window, for his own sake, so he didn’t had to see the gross situation between the couple-throuple? Was throuple a real word? I mean- Of course was a real one, but a politically correct word? He wasn’t sure if he once saw this being used without having a sexual context behind, and this was awful, this reminded him of a conversation he once had with one of his classmates, the one where she told the group she hated being a lesbian because her sexuality was a porn category and it sucked. Jungwon almost felt his eye twitching sometimes when he actually noticed how vile the real world is sometimes… 

He had opened the anonymous search to ask if throuple was a correct term when the carpool arrived. The moment he got on the car, he actually forgot what he was typing for.. It shouldn’t be something that important, so, who cared? The highschooler closed the search and opened a random social media, scrolling to make his ride go faster. 

This was the moment he noticed everyone in his new therapy group had started following him, and he had nothing but an empty profile with some posts his family tagged him on the “mentioned on” area.. Posts that seemed at least three years old from that moment… God, that was awful. 

He never really thought about that, he didn’t had a real motive to.. Care? Like, everyone who had his account knew him, he didn’t had why to bother posting cool photos like he was trying to impress someone, and still, technically, he didn’t had one. 

Even without a real purpose behind it, Jungwon still found the most recent amount of photos, the better ones, and posted all in a same post with a song he liked. Yang opened his front camera and stared at his own reflection until it didn’t feel like him anymore, taking a few pics and compiling it in one story, posting it with a song he felt that matched with the vibe. 

It, actually, took less than three minutes for people to like his new photos. With that being Jay, Niki and, of course, his mom. In his DM’s, he saw the notification of Niki sending him a heart, or a like, while Jay, for some reason, replied with a fire emoji. 

He felt strange… Maybe strangely good was the most accurate term to use..

Yang got out of the car, surprising himself with Heeseung sitting on the sidewalk in front of Island. He stared the spoiled kid asking himself why.. Just.. Why? He didn’t have to think too much about this, anyways, the moment he saw Heeseung blowing out a cloud of smoke with a smell too accentuated for him, the kind of it hurts when your nose recognizes it. He, still, asked himself mentally if that was even legal, of course it’s not, but Heeseung still did it like it was nothing. Heeseung was strange, he couldn’t deny it, but, in a way, who there was even normal? If they’d be even normal, it had no point for them to be there! He could consider Niki, but he wasn’t sure if being forcefully closeted by his family was the best choice for his mental health. Maybe he does needed professional care, just not for what his parents thought it was. 

“You’re staring at me. Stop it.” Heeseung glanced him head-to-toes, with the most uncomfortable look he could give to someone. Jungwon noticed he was just mirroring him, making him as uncomfortable as Jungwon was doing to him. 

“Sorry.” Yang asked, biting back a stutter because it’d made him look terrible. His head wandered into the possibility of asking him for a drag, but something stood into his path before he even completed that thought. Or should it be someone?

“Looking good today, Rabbit.” Jay checked him as Heeseung did, head-to-toes, but not making him uncomfortable, not the way Heeseung did, but rather making him shy. Yang almost felt himself rawly exposed to the troublemaker because of the way he stared at him. “Saw you on insta earlier, but got ghosted. Don’t you have manners?” He pouted, leaning himself closer to Jungwon. The highschooler felt a strange flutter in his stomach, trying not to stare at the black lipstick Jay was wearing. 

“Jay. Go easy on him, he’s still the new kid, remember?” Heeseung let out an almost uncanny giggle, nodding negatively with his head. “Don’t be afraid, Jungwon, he won’t bite.”

“Just if you ask me to.” Jay gave him the best smirk he could and Jungwon prayed to not look as dumb as he thought he was. 

“Are you always like this? Like you're always flirting with everyone? Also, are you always flirting? Like, for real?” Jungwon asked. Jay looked.. Almost flustered, almost. Heeseung laughed too loud when he heard what Yang was saying, glancing at Jay as if he was waiting for his reply. If Jungwon concentrated enough, he could see Jay searching for a great response in his head. 

It seemed he couldn't reach for any of them as he just gave him another smirk and a head pat. 

“You're a special one, Jungwon, you're not as boring as I thought you were.. I'll give you time, so we can get to know each other better, ok?” The troublemaker gave him a side hug, saluting him with two fingers in his temple until he finally reached Heeseung, getting him up so they could head back home. They had a long day ahead waiting for them.

“Why do you act so edgy sometimes? It's almost unbearable to be your friend, you know that? Ugh, seriously.. First that ‘Welcome to Hell' thing, now this? I'll give up on you someday, I'll swear to god I will.” Ethan nodded negatively as he walked to his motorcycle waiting for them near there, waiting for Jay to put on his helmet to do the same.

“You won't. You won't because you know I won't live without you.” Park said, in response. He slipped his hands under Ethan’s jacket and t-shirt, clawing his waist. 

“Keep your hands to yourself or I'll make you keep them myself.” The spoiled kid sounded like he would bite Jay if he kept on doing that, and maybe Jay liked this idea. “We're having a serious talk back home if you keep on doing this, this is a warning.”

“Kinky.” Park laughed, holding there again when they left. At the end of the day, he liked his friendship with Ethan more than he intended to. It was perfect for him, like, having a best friend, then having the freedom of kissing, cuddling and even sleeping together if they felt like doing so. It was.. Heaven! For Jay? Yeah, totally.

In the end, he knew he wouldn't end up with Ethan. But, if he, one day, finds someone crazy enough to keep him, he would ask both heaven and hell to have someone like Ethan. Someone that, at least, makes him feel as special as he felt when he was on Ethan's side.

Sometimes, being with Ethan was as good as the feeling Jay had while being drunk. Sometimes, the feeling would be even better than that.

The troublemaker couldn't deny: He seldom had thoughts about addicting himself to Ethan rather than alcohol, and God, it was hard not to fall for that.

And about poisoning himself… The worst part of that was doing so much you lose control of both yourself and your surroundings sometimes.. People would say that's the good part, but Jay would just.. Partly agree. 

At that moment? He would probably disagree, yeah, for sure.

Maybe waking up wasn't the right way to describe that, but the feeling was the same; He woke up unaware of where he was, just to notice he had fell asleep while being sat on a random couch at the party, probably he went there just to avoid passing out or something like that, he really couldn't remember, but still, there he was. 

He looked around, getting back to his senses. Ethan was in his right, flirting with a girl too naive for him, it was clear, and the rest of the world waited for him on his left. Jay searched for the black lipstick on his pockets, applying it while wandering around the place until he finally found someone, someone he knew very well.

Jay left a smirk out as he guided himself to the boy out there, clubbing, dancing with someone standing too close to Jay's liking, what was that bitter feeling? He crossed his arms, waiting until the boy left his own planet, flirting back with the other dancer as he walked away. Jongseong followed him from a nice distance, crossing his path and purposely stumbling on him, grabbing his waist so he wouldn't fall. He wouldn't fall, but Jay was edgy enough to decide that would be a great approach.

— Gotcha. — He smirked, pressing harder against his waist.

— ‘The fuck you want? — Sunoo asked, biting his words. 

— Calm down, Fox boy. — He laughed. Sunoo just rolled his eyes, carefully putting his arms around Jay's neck. Jay smiled, knowing well that Sunoo had just fallen to his tricks as he always did. — Came here alone today?

— As I always do. — He shrugged, uninterested. — And you?

— Heeseung is here too. — Jay shrugged. — You're a wonderful dancer, you know? — He slided his hands to Sunoos hips, searching for a permition to keep going on. Sunoo followed his touches with his glance, rolling his eyes in a sigh and slowly putting his hands onto Park’s shoulders, gripping there tightly and sliding it to his neck in a hug. — You like it. — An affirmation. 

— I hate that I do. — A confession. The troublemaker smirked again and Sunoo mentally insulted every inch of him before leaning to a kiss. 

They both knew each other well enough to master what they liked. Jay rushed one of his hands to Kim’s butt, kissing him like they were meant to be together, but both knew they would never. Sunoo was melting in Jay's touches, it was awkward. He tried to fight back, pushing his own hips against Jay’s, feeling his grip only getting tighter and It just felt so good so good Sunoo wanted more, he wanted Jay in a whole.

It didn't took that long for the youngest to be just grinding onto Park's lap, following the rhythm of the music that played along, the only thing to remember them that the world existed beside both of them. Jay knew he had to stop when Sunoo’s moans were too louder for his ears, getting himself off his neck, where he'd been ruining with bites and marks, and stepping back. The gifted kid pulled him closer.

— Stay. — He demanded.

— The night has just started, my fox. — He whispered, getting his black lipstick again and a lollipop, trying to get Sunoo's taste rid of him. — See you around?

Sunoo's expression dropped. There he was, he “lovely” Fox boy again. He put his middle finger up, with anger showing up all over where once had the need for Jay. — Fuck off, if I see you around, I will break you nose, I swear to god, you motherfucker-

— That's lovely to meet you here, Dumb Fox. — Park smiled, laughing while turning back to where, now, Heeseung awaited for him.

Park popped his lollipop while Sunoo watched him distancing himself from the bubble they built before. Kim held back his anger and ran to the nearest vending machine he found, he reached for the drink with the highest alcohol percentage he could found, cracking it open while leading himself to the bathroom, locking himself there, alone. 

@ KXMSCENEOO

fuxk it

im kiling myseld today 

ill kill mimyself today 11:47pm i hope y guys r aware 

wbough qirh this im fuckking done 

fuck him fuck jim i hste that bitch so fucking nuch i hope he rot in hell 

@ GALAXYSHIM

tf - A / C

@ KXMSCENEOO

idk if i hate myself more or him 

@ GALAXYSHIM

who -A

jay? -C

@ THEICEPRINCE

fucking jay isn't it?

@ KXMSCENEOO

of couse it is 

@ GALAXYSHIM

jay 39383

sunoo 0

@ KXMSCENEOO

fuckwou 

@ GALAXYSHIM

rude -C 

@ THEICEPRINCE

come home 

we can talk 

@ KXMSCENEOO

no 

im good 

@ THEICEPRINCE

prove it 

send me an audio 

@ KXMSCENEOO

[AUDIO MESSAGE, 0:56; “The fuck you mean send me an audio? I'm fucking great, can't you see? Don't you believe me? If you don't, I don't fucking care at all, fuck you too.”] 

@ THEICEPRINCE

MY EARS

@ GALAXYSHIM

cw: loud noises -A 

fucking earrape audio jesus christ -A

@ KXMSCENEOO

i hste buth od you 

@ THEICEPRINCE

oh my goodness r u crying?

sunoo..

@ GALAXYSHIM

uh oh..

@ THEICEPRINCE

im picking u up 

wait 4 me outside 

1-10 scale, how much have u drank?

@ KXMSCENEOO

fuxk your scalw 

@ GALAXYSHIM

11 -A

ill wait 4 u at sunghoons 

@ KXMSCENEOO

leabe me alone 

@ THEICEPRINCE

i want you outside 

im being dead serious

sunoo, im not joking 

@ KXMSCENEOO

i knwo 

im drunk 

no lollipops no candies 

nothing 

just deunk 

@ THEICEPRINCE

that's good 

@ KXMSCENEOO

im an idiot 

fuck 

i want to cry 

fuck him 

i want to fuck him too 

fck 

@ GALAXYSHIM

GROSS - C

I WANT ZERO DETAILS - C

Sunoo almost jumped hearing the door slamming on the wall. He could recognise people cursing on him for locking the whole bathroom, but he couldn't care less.

“Fuck off.” He screamed, pushing the bartender with his shoulder when leaving. He wiped off the tears, forgetting he even wore makeup one day, he was a mess with tears and makeup and black lipstick running down his face. 

Kim came out of his senses, noticing he had opened another can of some unrecognizable alcoholic drink, well, at least one he didn't care about what it was. He was trying to swallow the tears along with the alcohol when he stumbled onto someone, a girl he could barely identify the face of. Sunoo wasn't paying that much attention, so he fell. It was pathetic. 

“Oh my goodness, sorry, I- I'm sorry, are you ok?” The girl asked, putting her phone on her pocket and trying to reach for Kim, receiving a slap on her hand. 

“Do not touch me.” He mumbled, ignoring when the girl's boyfriend tried to speak up for him. 

“Konon, god, are you ok?” Jaewon held the girl's hand, making sure everything was ok. “Did he hurt you?”

“I'm fine, Jae, just.. I don't know, that boy is somewhat familiar.” She mumbled, reaching for her phone again, following her boyfriend around, directed to the exit. “Riki sent me his location, it's not that far from here.” She announced, entering the car. 

“What a weirdo, you were so polite to him.” He sighed, rolling his eyes.

“Jae, it's ok. Maybe he.. Wasn't feeling well, or he had a bad day.. Or he's just naturally that way, it doesn't matter, we don't even know him! It's okay, we're ok, sweetheart.” She smiled, kissing his cheek. “Look, there he is.” She pointed, happily. “There's someone with him!” Konon declared with joy. 

Niki was sitting on the sidewalk, with a boy with vivid red hair on his side. They seemed to be chatting, laughing, and they seemed like good friends! But Konon was a big sister, after all. She saw the way Niki had this thing wiggling and touching his fingers, he did ‘one-two-three-four-one-two-three-four’ touching the tip of his fingers on his thumb, not only this, but running his hands on his hair, and smiling so easily that everyone could see: He was, indeed, flirting. 

Konon felt like she could burst out of joy.

“Niki!” She called, lowering her window. “Is he a- Hey, I know you! You're the waiter we saw that day!” 

“Hello there.” The boy smiled, shyly, standing up first and then helping Riki to do so. “I'll make sure I'm the one giving you the call from here.

“I'll wait then.” Riki laughed, hugging him. “See ya!”

“See you.” Jungwon waved, smiling and waiting for Riki to enter the car to finally make his way to the pizzaria again. Yang felt this strange shiver running down his spine, he wanted to laugh and kick his feet with the thought of working with Niki. He ran to the office, throwing himself on the couch.

“Your ears are blushing.” Jeongin declared, putting on some makeup on his bruised neck. “I can't believe we're hiring the boy you have a crush on..”

“Shut up!” Jungwon declared, throwing a pillow on his brother’s back. 

Chapter Text

Riki sat in front of Jungwon. The boy with the dimples tried not to laugh, but both cracked laughing, trying to compose themselves again and follow the interview.

“Nishimura Riki.” Jungwon declared, clearing his throat. “You're seventeen.” He declared.

“Since the last time I checked.” He shrugged, holding back a laugh. Jungwon seemed to do the same. 

“I have to fake an interview with you, you're already in, I just have to fake enough to take your time here, you can't just come home in, like, 10 minutes and say you did your interview.” Yang confessed, messing around with sheets of papers. He ripped a few so it could be just right to make origami. They divided the pieces between themselves. “You follow me?”

“Yes, but I'm not the best at doing.. These kinds of things, like origami, crochet, tapestry.. The only talent I have is dancing.” Nishimura shrugged.

“Bullshit.” Jungwon denied. “Sunghoon told me you're a great makeup artist.”

“It comes with the dancing, I guess? I can't rely on my mother to do my makeup, even for artistic expression, she would tell my father and then, he would beat the shit out of me..” He laughed, tried to, at least. No humor at all. 

“I'm so sorry your parents are.. This disgusting.” Jungwon sighed, folding the paper carefully so Niki could follow him.

“What are we doing?” Niki asked, confused, looking at Jungwon’s paper, and then himself’s, just making sure of doing that correctly.

“Paper hearts. It's the only thing I have in mind.” Yang shrugged. 

“May I ask you something? It's kinda.. Hm.. Sensitive? Rude?” Jungwon hid the way he petrified when Niki put his arm closer to his own’s. 

“I'm not showing you my scars.” He responded, deadly serious. Niki blushed instantly, ashamed.

“I won't- I just.. I- How is it like? Does it make you.. Feel better?” He tried to make it the softest he could. Jungwon let a smirk slip off his lips, nodding negatively.

“Kind of.” He could end his answer there, but he didn't. “I think it's too complex to actually explain to someone that never even felt like doing it, it has a lot of… Reasons, I guess, behind doing so, I don't think you’d understand.”

“I can try. It can't be complicated, right? It's just.. A part of you, and being you, it can't be that complicated. My little sister says that understanding people you like or people you're fond of is really simple, I want to give you a try.” Niki confessed. His tone was getting softer and lower, almost like he was shrinking. It was funny, a guy that big looking so small. 

Jungwon smiled middle-speech. Dimples and all. “You like me? You're fond of me?” 

Niki blushed so hard Jungwon though he might explode. “You're.. Interesting.” He confessed, again. Yang laughed, understanding how someone could feel butterflies bursting in their stomach for the first time.

“Look at my paper and follow me, you're behind me.” He pointed, helping Niki. Niki felt Jungwon's touch softly on his hands. It was cold. Jungwon's hands were pretty. “First of all: Who told you? I don't remember telling any of you at the group sessions and shrinks can't tell anything to anyone beside the police, I guess.”

Gotcha. 

Niki blushed, again. He didn't even have the chance to recover from last time.

“A friend of mine. We do ballet together. The clinic posted a photo of our group painting together, your mom commented, she saw, she said she's your cousin.” Yang held back a laugh, noticing the panic in Riki’s tone.

“It's Miyah, isn't she?” Jungwon asked, biting the words bitterly. Riki nodded. “What do you know?”

Riki ran out of breath noticing the slightest fluctuation in his tone. 

“I'm sorry, I shouldn't-” 

“Niki? What happened?” The high-schooler reached closer, now holding Riki’s hand. “Are you ok?”

“Are you mad?” He whispered. 

“No! Of course not! I.. I just don't like that cousin, not about you, everything about her, I have nothing against you! It's just that.. She's so annoying. I just want to know what you know about.. Me, I guess… Miyah doesn't have the full sense of knowing where to stop gossiping about others.” The dancer took a deep breath to calm himself down. So did Jungwon. “I have this problem with.. Cutting. Cutting myself, and my mom found out, that's why I'm there. Don't listen to a thing Miyah said, probably exaggerating the situation, I bet. It was only this. I didn't try to kill myself, I didn't start doing this because of a breakup or an argument.. That's it.” He sighed, looking at his perfectly folded heart. On the other hand, Niki's… Well, he tried, right? Jungwon smiled softly, grabbing another sheet for himself. “I can't say it makes me feel better but.. I think it actually does. Not just the act, but the feeling, and I think I like to.. Hm.. Sorry I can't get the words out, it will look bizarre.” He laughed that off, awkwardly.

“Don't worry.” The dancer reassured, smiling softly. “I hope you'll be better soon, if you want, of course.”

That was interesting. No one, just his therapist, even considered the possibility of Jungwon just being uninterested in any help. He wasn't forcing it, he was rather rooting for him to find out something better one day, in his own time. It was sweet.

“Thank you. I hope you get rid of your parents.” Niki laughed so hard he almost screamed. “Here, now we both have hearts.” Jungwon handled the recently folded heart to him, gently smiling again. “Do you want to eat something?”

“I’m fine! Actually, I think it's better for me if I wait outside by now, my sister said she's on her way to pick me up..” Nishimura explained, following Jungwon as they spoke. 

“The place is still empty, I can wait outside with you.” The oldest led him out, sitting on the sidewalk. Niki did the same, close to him. “I think I'm a night person. Everything I have to do, I do at night.”

“I'm a “nothing” person, I just procrastinate.” Niki shrugged, pushing his bangs away.

“We are more similar than I thought. I'm like your Korean counterpart.” The dancer bursted out laughing again. 

–

Niki found himself on a line, waiting for his turn to execute the sequence they were learning at his ballet class. The one he completely had no clue what to do. He had zoned out thinking about the last time he saw Jungwon. He recognised that behavior, so did his sisters; It was the hottest topic at their house: How Niki was falling for the cute waiter, who happened to be his “baby boss” at the new job he found. Of course, they'd never found out that the whole “Job” thing was made up by Jungwon and Niki themselves. 

He followed the sequence mediocrely, doing just right enough so he wouldn't get called out. He sank again into his own pool of thoughts, this time, as red as Jungwon's hair, or the peachy tone his skin got every time he felt embarrassment. It was so sweet.

Suddenly, Nishimura was pulled out. The class was starting to get on their places to rehearse when one of the head directors entered the room, followed by someone Niki never saw before, but hell, they were pretty. 

“Is Nishimura Riki here today?” The man called. Niki stepped up, waving his hand so the man could see him. “May I talk to you, sir?” Niki ran closer, getting pushed outside the class, just him, the director and the pretty one. “This is Shen Quanrui, our new exchange student. As you two speak the same language, I'm pretty sure you can take care of him for his first month, right? And I'm pretty sure that Quanrui can get used to our place by this first month too.”

Niki tilted his head sideways, slightly.

“Quanrui isn't a japanese name.” Niki noticed. Quanrui seemed puzzled.

The oldest man shrugged.

“Take care of him, Riki.” It was everything he said. “I’ll talk to your teacher, don't worry, use the spare time to get to know yourself.” He smiled, letting them behind. 

“Sucker.” Niki mumbled in Japanese. Quanrui widened his gaze, trying not to laugh. “So you do understand Japanese.”

“Not that much.” They switched back to Korean. “I'm a Riki too, you know?”

Niki was puzzled. “You don't seem like one.” Now Shen was laughing. It took a while for Niki to understand that the way he spoke was.. Something. “Sorry-”

“Don't worry! I mean. Quanrui is a tough name for some, so they call me Ricky, as in R-I-C-K-Y.” Now it made sense.

“Oh! Right.. My Riki is R-I-K-I, but everyone calls me Niki. I don't think anyone will switch our names this way.” He shrugged, wiggling his fingers. It was something he made when he was too overwhelmed, somehow. Ayaka said it was called “stimming”. “Do you want to come watch us rehearse? I don't think I'm able to engage in talking, like, you noticed, the way I talk and all, I'm not.. Good doing it.”

“You're funny, Niki. But I accept! It will be a pleasure.” He smiled, following Niki inside the room. Somehow, Niki was uncomfortably used to people thinking his awkward social skills were funny.

°°°

His bathroom was all tainted pink.

Jungwon had his, now, vivid red hair falling onto his face as he stared down his bare arms.

All the healed and old scars made him feel something almost disgusting growing inside him. He felt like he was ready to throw up. His chest was suddenly going up and down rapidly, it was a panic attack.

God, he misses it so much, his arm looked so boring, he needed something, he needed it to be sliced and cutted like he wasn't capable of feeling any pain. He wanted the thrill, the despair of dripping blood everywhere, trying to both get rid of the cloths and stop the bleeding at the same time, seeing it white, turning red as the blood started popping softly. He was mesmerized, he was needing, he was.. Addicted. And he knew going cold turkey wasn't the more effective way to get an addiction out of someone. 

Suddenly, the clock ran too fast for him, when he came back to his senses, the razor blade he used to shave his face was broken right in front of him, desperately in pieces, he didn't know if it was from hitting, stomping.. But he did know that everything seemed so more peaceful now. 

And he knew why. 

The clock in his head rewinded a bit, he remembered everything that happened little by little. His body was frozen in place, but something ran down warming it. 

The water running down his head ran pink-ish until it hit his arms, from there on, it was crimson red. 

He cleaned it out the faster he could, getting out of the bathroom to get ready to work. His mind was foggy, he never got high, but he believed it would felt like that. That numbness, that strange feeling of tingling he felt down his soul.. It was like everything in his body was numb, except for the stinging feeling on his cuts.

It was comfortable enough for him to put a black tight shirt under his uniform, so he did. Yang combed his hair and reached for his cellphone, searching for the app he used to mark his sobriety. 

Two weeks. 

The longest he ever went.

Twice of it and he would reach the milestone of one month. 

He bit his inner cheek, trying to grip on the smallest bit of guilt he could feel.

He felt nothing. 

With his backpack now on his back, he rushed to the car, waiting for his mom and brother there. Headphones bursting his ears, he stood there until it was time to go. His brother still poked him and tried to initiate a conversation, but with a hand sign Jungwon declined any kind of conversation. For his luck, his family was respectful to his feelings, so when he didn't felt like talking, they would respect him. 

So it followed until they got to the place. He was working like a robot, everything his mom or brother told him to do, he'd do so. 

Until Niki came, of course. 

He stared onto Nishimura as he walked in, greeting Jeongin and Miss Yang. His body wasn't reacting to his commands, even though he wasn't even trying to make yourself look welcoming. 

The words sounded muffled to him, but he understood something about Niki and uniform. He guided Niki to the room he was already used to and handed him the uniform in silence, receiving just stares from the dancer. 

“Where's your voice?” He asked. Jungwon finally smiled, or at least tried to.

“Left it at home, I guess.” The way his lips formed a smirk with his gaze still untouched made him look high. 

“What happened?” Nishimura seemed worried.

“I'm just not in the mood.” He shrugged, but the boy didn't look convinced. “What do you want me to say if that isn't enough?” 

“I didn't say a thing, calm down.” Niki was almost afraid, again, was it that common for him to panic? “If you want something, I can-”

“A hug.”

“What?” Riki was caught off guard. Jungwon still had the same blank expression.

“I want a hug. You asked me if I want something, a hug would go well, it would make me.. Feel something.” Yang admitted, almost shyly. Niki smiled, feeling something so positive he felt the need to put it out someway. He shaked his hands for a bit, getting rid of the feeling rapidly and going for the hug. “Tighter.” Jungwon demanded and he went for it. The high schooler sighed in relief, somehow. The pressure given by the hug made him focus on the now and there, he was back to earth, back to his body, his wounded body, with the wounds he gave to himself. He felt his arms burning and it felt so good he smiled, but Niki would never know that it wasn't from the hug.

“You can tell me when it's enough.” Niki whispered, but the older one just responded with something similar to ‘Hm’, burying his face into Niki's shoulder. Oh fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Niki had to shake his hands again, and rock himself side to side, he had to get rid of that feeling, that memory- God, there was Taki. Taki everywhere, oh my god, Taki? Jungwon? Fuck, Niki was falling, he was definitely falling, no, no. Not that fast, not that.. Easy? What the actual fuck? His sisters were right and this wasn't good. Fuck. 

“Are you guys ready?” Jeongin asked and they broke out the hug as fast as they could. Niki turned his back to him, nervously shaking his hands fast enough so he wouldn't die at the spot, feeling his face burning. 

“He just has to put on his uniform and we're done.” The youngest Yang affirmed while Niki was.. Doing something? Pacing in circles, or almost it, and flapping his hands. 

“I'll wait for both of you outside the room, it's thirty minutes until it opens.” He reminded, walking out, letting both of the boys to themselves. Jungwon knew his life was done the moment they got home, he would never know peace again.

Chapter Text

The blow dryer was so loud Sunoo couldn't listen to his thoughts and that was good.

He stared at his newly pink hair as he applied oil to it, it was hell to finally achieve that tone, but nothing an all nighter locked in his own bathroom wouldn't solve.

It was nine in the morning when he got out, with makeup on, all dressed up like he was the biggest star on stage. God forbid his mom to find out he wasn't attending his afternoon classes, so he just picked up his bag and flew out.

It took less than a hour to get to his final destination: The mall.

Kim walked a few corridors more until he saw the one he was looking for. He waved his hand and ran for Taerae the fastest he could. They greeted each other with a big hug, followed by a soft smooch.

“Your hair looks amazing.” Taerae smiled, patting Sunoo’s head.

“I know! I’m fabulous today, I worked hard for it! Even when I really can just be myself, I'll look awesome anyway.” He shrugged. Taerae seemed to like his confidence. “What are you up to?”

“Honey, a huge lore of my life just dropped, I need to tell you about this.” The ex-gifted kid gave him a loud laugh.

“Wanna eat something, then talk?” He invited, grabbing Taerae's hand.

“Perfect for me.” He smiled, leading Sunoo along the corridors. “So, I fell for the classic ‘Hey, me and my boyfriend think you're cool’ a few weeks ago, now I think I got.. Adopted, but as part of them.”

“No fucking way.” He laughed. Taerae had such an angel face, but Sunoo knew his best friend well enough to affirm he was just the pure devil.

“One of them is Canadian, his name is Matthew, it sounds so good it melts in my mouth.” Taerae sighed.

“I bet his name isn't the only thing that melts in your mouth.” The fox boy laughed.

“Fuck you, Sunoo!” He slapped his shoulder, hearing him laugh even harder. “The other one is Gunwook, he is slightly younger than us, just turned 18. As far as I got, they're childhood sweethearts. Their one and only. I think that's so sweet. Anyway, they have this strange thing of ‘We can hook up with other people but only if we both are doing this’, and I got chosen, I think that's luck. Still, they're so.. Sweet, I guess? I'm spending quite a few time with them.” He shrugged, waiting for Sunoo to catch up near his favourite place. “Fries?”

“I'm getting the milkshakes then. Want it spiced?” He asked, smirking.

“Oh, yes. Please.” Sunoo's smile grew wider as he took his way to the ice cream shop.

His path was automatic so his brain didn't feel the need to think about it. He ordered and stood there waiting for that, checking his dm’s, searching for someone special.

And there he was.

@ ITBOY_JPARK
u free today?

@ KXMSCENEOO
not for you
fuck off

@ ITBOY_JPARK
cant do it alone if i can't get you out of my head

@ KXMSCENEOO
fuck. off.
are you fucking drunk?
it's barely 1pm.

@ ITBOY_JPARK
i need help.

@ KXMSCENEOO
for what now

@ ITBOY_JPARK
essay.

@ KXMSCENEOO
the fuck

@ ITBOY_JPARK
i have to write an essay
about myself
my feelings

@ KXMSCENEOO
am i getting paid?

@ ITBOY_JPARK
better
laid

@ KXMSCENEOO
you behave like a 13yo
do you want help with the words?

@ ITBOY_JPARK
kinda.
ethan will be here too
can you handle us both?

@ KXMSCENEOO
i dont fuck with ethan
shit
i dont
hes not
you got it

@ ITBOY_JPARK
you can get used to this
well
see you there?
my house?

@ KXMSCENEOO
see you.

“Sir, your order.” The lady seemed so pissed off, probably for calling him at least five times before he finally looked up. Sunoo almost laughed at her face. He took the milkshakes with a cynical smile and came back near Taerae, sitting with him.

“I have tea too, even more now.” He smiled, grabbing himself a fry.

“Spit it out.” Taerae demanded.

“Last week I was at the club and Jay tripped onto me.” He started, already being interrupted.

“No damn way, why can't he just leave you alone? Like-”

“No, wait, listen! He did the same talk as always, and I was already a couple shots in, so.. I fell for his words, we kissed and all and I was, like, knees weakening and all, I wanted him badly, I couldn't go on if I wasn't having him again. And you know what he did? He just left me! Without even caring! I know he care for no one but God! He sucks. Anyways, I don't want to see him, ever, again.” He shrugged off his lie. Taerae just arched one eyebrow. “So, yeah, I don't know how I could show him revenge if it wasn't for me loving myself and giving myself the princess treatment I really own. I'm starting with some life-changing shit, you know? Like gym and group studying and finding a hobbie and having quality time with the ones I love.. That's why I skipped classes today to meet you, and spent the last two nights dyeing my hair and getting the right makeup.” Sunoo rushed, picking up one of the french fries. Suddenly it all clicked in Taerae’s mind.

“Fuck, Sunoo, you're manic.” He whispered. Sunoo widened his gaze.

“I'm not fucking manic, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Sunoo, this is dangerous and you know it.”

“Taerae, I'm not manic, you're just fucking boring, can't handle my confidence.”

“You're wrong, but if you're saying so… I will wait for you to confirm this with me when you're stable again, ok?” He sighed, stroking Sunoo's hand just to be slapped at it.

“I’m fine, that's no need for you to be worrying for nothing, ok? As they say, I'm a big boy, I can handle myself.” He sang, laughing. The other one was still serious. “C'mon, don't be boring.”

“Are you taking your meds, Sunoo?” He asked. Sunoo was offended.

“Excuse me, You're not my mom? What the fuck, what do you have to do with my meds, Taerae? God, you suck.” He rolled his eyes.

“You didn't answer me.” Taerae spat.

“Why would I need my meds? I'm doing fine! It's been a time since the last time I got suicidal and shit, of course I'm better! I don't need it anymore.” The foxy boy justified.

“God, Sunoo! That's now how things work! That's why you're fucking manic! Now what? You'll wait another attempt to stick back to your meds?”

“Fuck off!” His tone was high enough to draw other people's attention, making him even worse. “You're such a loser, Taerae, oh god.” Sunoo rolled his eyes, grabbing his milkshake and turning his back, heading to the exit as fast as he could.

°°°

“Do you feel better?” Ethan asked, sitting on the toilet’s lid, smoking while Jay was showering. Jay had called Ethan to take care of him; His mom was out for a week, his brother had a life, and he? Well, he was deeply depressed. He was almost sure he was in that situation after having a bad trip, not mentioning the absence of his meds making him even worse. He was bedrotting for days until he had the courage to call Ethan to help him. For his sake, he helped leading him to the shower and awaiting for him there.

“No.” Honest he was. He wished a bath could wash his mental illness away.

“That sucks, because we're cleaning your room after this.” He shrugged, noticing that his phone rang nonstop, even silenced. “Dumb fox is calling you for the last 13 minutes I guess.”

“Fuck, that's Sunoo. Pass me.” He peaked through the curtains, waiting for him to do so and then picking it up. “Fox boy.” He smirked, turning the audio up so Ethan could hear.

“Cut the bullshit, I'm already on my way.” Ethan held back his laugh as Jay just sighed.

“Nice. Do you want something?” He asked, turning the shower off.

“You.” Ethan almost gasped. “You will pay this fucking me, I don't mind. If you still want Ethan to have this too, go on, I don't fucking mind.”

“What are you on?” Jay asked, confused. “There's something wrong with you.”

“There's not a thing wrong with me and you should mind your business, ok? I'm almost here, shithead, pay attention when I call you because I hate waiting.” He hung up, letting both of the boys just so confused.

“What the hell is wrong with him today?” Ethan asked, passing Jay the toothbrush.

“I don't think I want to know.” When he spat, it came red, oh, ok, blood. It was normal, well, at least when he had episodes like that where he couldn't bear himself to even brush his teeth. Jay finished and headed to his own bedroom, putting on something comfy and following Ethan as he tried to clean his room. “He has seen it worse.”

“I don't care, I'm here to help you, we will clean it no matter what.” Was all Ethan said, folding some clothes and throwing some at the laundry bin. Jay got closer, grabbing his wrist. “What?”

“Am I acceptable enough for you to kiss me now?” He whispered, aiming for Ethan's mouth. The latest smiled.

“I'd kiss you no matter how.” He smiled, leaning for finally kissing Jay like the whole world stopped around them. He slipped his hands to Jay’s waist, pulling him closer. Park slightly tilted his head to his side, sighing. He wanted more, not about the dirty kisses, but the attention, the feeling of belonging, the warmth… He wanted home, and home he found at Ethan’s arms. “It’s so cute when you get all clingy like this. You like to be cared for, that’s so sweet of you, huh?”

“Shut up, you’re talking bullshit.” Park rolled his eyes, throwing everything on the chair near his desk on the floor, hearing a loud sigh from Kim’s. Jay ignored and leaded to the window with his carton of cigarettes, sitting on top of the desk near there.

“You're cleaning the ashes later. Also, you need an ashtray, have you seen the mess you make here?” Again, ignored. “Jay Park Jongseong, twin of Adam Park Jonghyun, son of-”

“Stop clan-calling me, you're fucking weird, Ethan Kim Heeseung.” He rolled his eyes, holding back a chuckle. “When I get the time to do so, I will.”

“I hope so.” He responded, checking the room like he was looking for anything untidy. “Decent looking at least.”

“Well done, Ethan.. Do you want a treat? Or me to pet your head? Something like this?” The troublemaker exhaled the smoke, watching it disappear.

“Fuck off.” The rich kid held his wrist, guiding him to put the cigarette on his mouth. He took his time to check for his wrists, searching for something different along the old scars. Unfortunately, he found it. “Where are you putting the towels?”

“What in the..” He asked, following Ethan's gaze and sighing, out of the necessary energy to even lie his way out. “Under my mattress.”

“We're washing it later.” He warned, sighing. “Funny how you don't have the energy enough to change your clothes, but for harming yourself…”

“Oh, fuck off, would’ya? Hear the bullshit you're talking about, it's crazy.” Jay was, at least, angry. And oh, Ethan could almost touch it. “I feel literally nothing, and my alcohol has ran out since Saturday, do you really think there's other way for me to get fucking connected to this world? This goddamn body? Shit, Ethan, you're so insensitive.”

“Sorry, ok? I'm sorry, it was so dumb, I'm so sorry.” He asked, just receiving a side glance from Jay. “We're buying yourself a new stock, I prefer you drunk rather than cutting yourself like you’re sick on your head-”

Silence.

Heeseung was silenced after Jay hit him on his mouth.

He hit back, on his cheek.

“That wasn't much of ‘Friendship’ from your part, you know, Jay?” He provoked, in a laugh.

“Same for you, fucker.” He mumbled, getting up when the doorbell rang. “Your lip is bleeding.”

“Same for your cheek.” He scoffed, picking up the cigarette Jay had left.

“For fuck’s sake, I'm on my way! Geez, why can't you just wait?” When he opened the door, surprised he was at Sunoo jumping at him, kissing him like he wanted to possess his soul. It was intense, it was ethereal, it was almost perfect, as perfect as it could be. “Sunoo.”

“Did I take too long, big boy?” He smirked, kneeling down as Jay observed. Observed?! No, no, nonononono-

“Wait.” He stepped back, receiving an angry stare. The ones you could tell the person is waiting for the right moment to jump at you. “My essay first.”

“Whatever, you owe me a lot.” He shrugged, leading himself to Jay's bedroom. “Why do you two look like that?”

“Jay's dipping, I'm ok but we fought.” Heeseung shrugged.

“Why?” Sunoo asked, sitting on the bed.

“Because Ethan is an asshole and I can't take his shit anymore.” Jay responded, spitting his words.

“Jay, I'm sorry to warn you, but you're splitting on me again. Not that I'm used to it, I'm just warning you.” Kim shrugged, putting the cigarette down.

“I'm not splitting on you, I'm angry at you, that's totally different.” The troublemaker shrugged.

“You roll your eyes everytime I open my mouth, you're totally splitting on me.”

“Fuck off, Ethan.”

“Jesus, you two look like me and my friend. He tried to convince me I'm manic, which I'm totally not, I'm just enjoying being alive.” Sunoo shrugged and Ethan took a minute to stare him down: Rapid speech, not standing still, exaggerated clothing, higher sex drive, even when it felt impossible and of course the inexplicable and uncanny manic gaze; Sunoo was definitely manic. So it meant he had two bipolars to take care of that day, one in a manic high and one in a manic low plus splitting on him. That's fucking great, isn't it? “Anyway, what's with this thing calling Heeseung Ethan?”

“You wouldn't get it.” Jay rolled his eyes, moving to his desk.

“I have a foreign name because he has one, if you want one, ask him.” Ethan got closer to Jay, signing to Sunoo with his head to come closer too.

“I want a foreign name, Jay!” The former gifted kid smiled, clapping. “Give me a good one. One you can use to call me.” He smirked, too flirty.

“William.” He spat, putting his name and the date on his paper. “Liam, for short.”

“That's pretty good, guess I can go by Liam now! That sounds lovely.” Liam kissed Jay on his cheek, with a smile on his lips. “What exactly do we have to do with this essay?”

“I have to elaborate why I feel the way I feel and what I think about myself.” He explained, unbothered. Ethan took a piece of paper and a pencil, drawing something.

“What do you think about yourself, big boy? You're the only one that can explain it to us.” Liam gave him another smirk while crossing his arms.

“Me? Well.. I don't know, I view myself as a lost cause.” He wrote it down, sighing. Ethan was starting to think that he didn't need help at all, just body doubling.

“Why?” Now was the time for The Rich Kid to ask.

“Because I'm nothing, and nobody, I only function when I'm manic-high, when I'm dipping back, everything I have goes down the sink and god I wish I was at least stable so I could be barely functional. I'm used to how bipolar works, I've been dealing with this since mid school. But that doesn't mean I.. Like being this way.” He sighed, erasing something Sunoo couldn't decipher, he didn't remember Jay's handwriting was that bad.

“You’re, like, so negative, you know?” Liam rolled his eyes, pulling a bubblegum from his pocket. “Oh, right, the dipping thing.”

“Fuck off, Liam.” Jay let out a deep sigh, staring at the essay. Liam giggled, seeming to like the name. “What else should I put here?”

“Why do you drink?” The former gift kid asked.

“Why do you cut?” Ethan smirked, crossing his arms. Liam gasped in shook.

“No way you’re a cutter.” Liam truly sounded shocked.

“I’m not a- What the hell are you two saying?!” Jay almost shouted, seeing Liam peeking over his arms. He didn’t care enough at that moment to even hide a thing. “Ethan I’m beating you so hard-”

“Don’t.” Liam demanded. “Why I didn’t know it?”

“Because you only even talk to me when you need someone to fuck you.”

“You little-”

“No fighting here.” Ethan demanded, pushing both aside. “You” He pointed at Sunoo. “shut it; And you” He turned to Jay. “better start being honest with your shrink or we are going nowhere, ever.”

“Said the guy who is afraid of people honking at you at the street.” Jay scoffed, receiving a slap on his nape. “Ouch.”

“Go on.” Ethan demanded, again. Jay sighed, getting back to writing.

“Excuse me, I don’t think I’ve ever asked this.. Jay, why are you handwriting this ugly?”

Ethan clicked his tongue. A really bad idea to ask him this kind of thing.

“None of your business.” The troublemaker mumbled, angry.

“Oh, c’mon!” Sunoo insisted, stopping when Ethan poked him, turning his glance to him, just to notice him mouthing “Jay’s dyslexic.”. His jaw dropped, for the second time in a while. He just decided to keep things for himself for a while, sitting in Jay’s bed. Ethan did the same. They just stared eachother.

They stared at eachother.

Then Jay.

Then eachother again.

The next thing they knew, they were kissing silently behind Jay’s back.

“I’m hearing.” Jay sighed, letting his pencil down and staring at them, raising an eyebrow watching Ethan grab everything Liam was there to offer, sighing.

“C’mon, big boy. It ain't fun if we're not complete.” Liam smiled, offering a hand to Jay.

“Not in the mood.” He mumbled. Both of them stopped, staring him in disbelief.

“Ok, so, what are you up to, darling?” Ethan asked, Jay almost melted with the nickname.

“You like that.” Liam stated, smiling softly. “Come here, sweetheart, we can cuddle you to death now!”

Jay smiled. A simple and soft smile, remembering what was that will to feel alive again. The next thing he knew, Ethan was hugging his waist while Liam kissed him endlessly. Maybe, all Jay needed was to feel special.

“Park Jongseong, 20.

Jay Park.

The evil brother, the drunken dad, the edgy kid.

A lost cause.

Can't see myself doing more than risking my life enough to die by the next 5 years. Maybe if I stay manic for years I might became the world's next head doctor, since this is the only way to make me feel alive. If I'm manic, I can change the world, I can save my life, but if I'm not? I'm already dead.

I drink enough to feel alive, forget any kind of problem I have and just focus on making other one feel the biggest amount of pleasure possible.

I cut and burn myself to remember I have a body, and I'm chained on them, I can't let myself forgot, even when I don't feel like it. When my body doesn't feel real, when nothing feels real, at least the stinging and the pain are.

I can't be fixed, good luck trying on that, and thanks to my mom to giving me the everything worse and more gene.”

Chapter Text

The silence in the doctor’s room was enough to make Sunghoon want to crawl out his skin. 

He had to attend to the nutritionist office once in fifteen days until we gained enough weight. Enough weight means finally starting to take testosterone! It was wonderful, well, it had to be..

“You’ve lost weight.” The doctor declared. 

“Oh- Really?!” He smiled, just then realizing it wasn’t a reason to smile. The doctor scoffed, not even believing. “Sorry, I-”

“That says a lot about you, Bitnari.” He sighed, stressed. “Look, I’m really trying not to send you to a clinic, but you have to help me help you, you know?” 

“Sorry, I.. I’m sorry.” Sunghoon asked, only then realizing. “Wait, what did you-”

“Sorry, Sunghoon, your name is still the old one in the system… Haven’t you changed?” 

“We have to provide some documents, and we don’t had the right time to really get it done.” He shrugged, sighing. “What do I have to do?”

“What everyone has told you to do so, Sunghoon.” He sighed, rushing his hands through his hair. “Are you attending therapy?”

“Every week, group and individual.” He mumbled, picking on his fingers now.

“Sunghoon..” He glanced at his patient, sighing. “I'll spare you this time, but I want you to regain the weight you lost, at least, ok?” He asked, almost begged. 

“Crystal Clear, sir.” Sunghoon smiled, getting himself up and ignoring the black roof it gave him, not staring at the white dots everywhere, just ignoring it. 

Sunghoon left with a bitter taste on his tongue. Fuck. He had eaten before weighing himself, he had drank water, and coffee. How the hell was he still losing? The skater held back the smile and that strange feeling of accomplishment.. No, it was wrong. It was so, so, so wrong. 

@ GALAXYSHIM

How was it? 

At the doctor.

@ THEICEPRINCE

shit

@ GALAXYSHIM

Oh…

@ THEICEPRINCE

basically i lost weight and im twice as fucked as before.

@ GALAXYSHIM

Fucking hell. 

Do you want to talk?

@ THEICEPRINCE

im fine

actually i think im going for an ice cream now 

i text you later

He sighed, putting down his cellphone and taking the bus that would lead him to his favorite ice cream place. He would have his three favourite flavours as always: Lemon, Cookies and Strawberry. It was a strange rule for him: Two healthy flavours to balance the calorie bomb in the middle, it was perfect! If he stepped aside his path, that would mean he’d have to purge after, and there's no way he was doing that again. 

Everything went too fast for him, when he noticed, he was already at the place, maybe it was the foggy mind, of course, what else could happen when your body hadn't enough fuel to barely function? Well, headaches, low blood pressure, that strange feeling of fainting whenever he did the slightest amount of exercise, sometimes even walking… It was rough, but, in the end, he had chosen it, didn't he? Well, we could put it as it. 

He sat down to enjoy his ice cream as much as he could, how much was it? Yes, 315 calories, he would compensate for it later. 315. 315. 315. His fingers tapped on the table, 3-1-5. Repeatly. No, no, that was wrong, food, not numbers, food, not numbers. Food, not- Wipe it. We took down a napkin to wipe the numbers of his mind. Numbers. Food, not numbers, food, not numbers.

“What the fuck.” He jumped when someone whispered it beside him, looking at them. “You okay, Bows?” The embarrassment in him died, letting behind only a strange kind of rage. What else could Jay think? He saw Sunghoon repeatedly tapping on the table and, suddenly, wiping down the surface he was tapping, even when it had nothing there.

“Seriously? Even here?” He sighed, putting his spoon down. When he looked back, wow, Jay was.. Trashed. Not from being drunk or high, but from… He doesn't know? Not at all, he just.. Where was his sassy? Where was all his attitude? Suddenly it was all gone, it didn't even look like Jay. “You okay..?” He asked back, softly.

They both stared at each other, they knew each other, right? Jay knew Sunghoon was an anorexic-depressed bitch, and Sunghoon knew Jay was a sex-addicted junkie, what else could do wrong? 

Jay sat down in front of him. Sunghoon did his math again: Double chocolate, brownies and cookies. Up to 500 calories, 563. 563. 563. Lucky him he had put the spoon down so he could properly tap the six. 

“What is this Morse Code shit?” The troublemaker asked, getting himself a spoonful of ice cream. 

“Tics.” Sunghoon responded. Fuck. Fuel, no numbers, especially when it wasn't his fuel, nor numbers. He wiped it off again with the same napkin, Jay was so confused, what the fuck was that? 

“Oh, ok.” He shrugged. Another spoon. “So, you come here often?” 

“Don't fucking tell me you're flirting, seriously.” He sighed, looking already so done with Jay's shit.

“Hello? I'm being serious! I’ve just never seen you here, and this is my favorites go-to ice cream place, so..”

“Mine's too.” Sunghoon responded. Jay looked shocked.

“That makes it even stranger.” He laughed, softly. “..You know I won't let you leave without finishing your ice cream, don't you?” 

Sunghoon was suddenly puzzled, what? Jay looked down to the Figure Skater's ice cream just to make clear. That was the moment Sunghoon noticed he hadn't take even the first spoon of his ice cream yet. And it was melting. He rushed to take the first spoon of the cookie's flavoured ice cream before it melted down and took out the refreshing sensation of both lemon and strawberry.

“Sorry, I got distracted.”

“I can see it.” He shrugged, getting back to his ice cream. “What took you here today?” He asked. What kind of question was that?

“Hm, Ice Cream?” He almost affirmed, confused.

“No, silly.” He scoffed, sighing. “See, I’m here because I’m depressed. I dipped into my depression, again, and Et- Heeseung kicked me outta my bedroom so he could clean it, and told me to pick up some ice-cream for us..” Jay sighed, taking another spoon. “You?” 

“What for?” He asked, still confused.

“Can you just stop being a dick and answer me? Oh god!” He heard his tone rising and bite his tongue, sighing. “Sorry.”

“No, that’s actually ok.” He shrugged, holding back a chuckle. He almost heard Sunoo in his tone. “Bad news at the Doc today, had to cheer myself up.” He sighed, going for another spoon. 

“Something deadly?” The troublemaker asked and he scoffed. 

“As deadly as not having enough fuel to run a car but running it anyways can be.” 

“Man..” He tried to hold back a laugh. “I'm sorry, I guess?” 

“I'm sorry for your episode too.” He got up, patting Jay on the shoulder. “Let's walk somewhere, I don't care where.”

The troublemaker thought of the offer, deciding to take it because why not? He stood and followed Sunghoon, not bothering where he'd take him. Sunghoon was nothing but fragile, it was easy to tell, but still, Jay couldn't deny he was pretty hot sometimes. When he was mad at him, when he was using that tight black uniform he always used to work, when his bangs falls on his eyes… He was so attractive, Jay couldn't even deny it.

“You're staring at me, stop it.” The figure skater demanded, hearing him laughing about it.

“I know I'm dipping hard when I can't think enough to flirt with you, I'm so disappointed for losing this chance.” He nodded negatively and Sunghoon chuckled in disbelief.

“Fuck off? Gosh, Jay, you look like a zombie, and you still think you can pull me? I’d think I would feel flattered if it wasn't for the knowledge that you're a total freak when it comes to flirting and trying to get laid..”

“Ow, it had no need for you to hurt me like this? You're so mean, Bows.” He pouted, hearing a fed up sigh coming from Sunghoon, probably because of the nickname. “Why don’t you keep on using bows on your hair? You’d look so good..” 

“You clearly don’t understand how passing works for transgender people.” Sunghoon rolled his eyes, sighing. “I can’t paint my nails, I can’t use a skirt, I can’t use bows again, nor makeup..” 

“I’m a man just as you are and you wont ever catch me with my nails undone, I use skirts for fun, I don’t have bows, but I’d like to try someday, and I love makeup.. I don’t get what are you trying to insinuate.” Jongseong gave him a side eye and Sunghoon chuckled again. The troublemaker smiled. Sunghoon’s smile is so cute. He’s so cute. Fuck, he’s so cute. Jay finds him cute. Fuck, what the hell was that?

“We’re different, it’s-”

“We ain’t different, fuck, Sunghoon, we’re both man, what the hell are you saying? Stop acting weird.” He rolled his eyes, throwing away what left from his ice-cream: Just the empty cup and spoon. Sunghoon couldn’t control his smile, god, he was an asshole sometimes, but he was still so… Cute? What the actual f-

“Ok, ok, if you say so.” He shrugged, focusing on his ice cream for once, noticing it was just about to melt down. “You’re kind sometimes, you know?” 

“If kind means “Not being an asshole”, thank you.” He forced a smile, rolling his eyes. “You have to stop doing that to yourself, like, you always expect everyone to be a dick on you, just… Like, I think the day you’ll stop acting like everyone will treat you like you’re worthless, a fraud or anything else, you’ll get so much better.”

“Can you just shut your goddamn mouth? Fuck, why did I agreed to be with you.” Sunghoon rolled his eyes. What the hell was that? Well… He wasn’t that wrong, but he’d never let Jay be the right one. “I was joking, keep on talking. Not about this, spare me, but keep on talking, you’re quite funny.”

“Funny? They say I’m the type of guy that makes you laugh, laugh, laugh… And then oop! You’re naked” 

“Forget I even tried, you’re insufferable.” The figure skater rolled his eyes.

“Aw stop it! You like when I do this, don’t you?” He smiled, leaning closer. Sunghoon rolled his eyes, shoving down a spoonful of ice cream on Jay’s mouth, getting rid of what remained of that flavour. “Oh, that’s really good.” 

“Isnt it?!” He smiled, finishing his ice cream and disposing the cup in the nearest trash can. They stopped by the nearest bus stop. “Where you going?”

“Home. But I live downtown, so..” He shrugged, taking a cigar from his pocket and his lighter. Sunghoon caught himself biting his lip cause wow, it was hot. 

“May I?” Sunghoon asked, receiving a side glance from Jay. 

“You smoke?” He asked, puzzled.

“Yes?” He affirmed, lying. He knew that, if he said no, he probably won’t let him smoke.

“That’s very sexy of you.” He smirked, passing the cigar to him. Fuck, he was really hot. “So.. I think that’s where we take our own paths.” He shrugged, taking the cigar back. 

“I think so.” He shrugged too, almost flinching when he felt Jay’s touch around his waist. Jay was mesmerized by the way his waist felt, like it was sculped. “What you doing?” 

“You know what I am doing.” He whispered, aiming for his neck, kissing there. Sunghoon wanted to punch him, to throw him under a bus, to tell him to fuck off.. But his touch made him feel ways he didn’t think he’d ever felt, he never let no one touch him like that, and that wasn’t even something big! It was so weird.. What the hell that boy had in him? 

“You really know how to put someone under your spell, that’s crazy, you’re crazy, Jongseong.” He got the cigar again, trying so hard not to make eye contact, otherwise, he would fell hard again. 

“I’m getting crazy for you, if you ain’t noticing.. Now, can you lend me your lips for a while? I don’t want to make you lose your ride” He stopped now facing Sunghoon, eyeing his lips now, grabbing his waist and pulling him closer. 

“The fuck I will.” He mumbled, checking the next bus coming and pulling the troublemaker closer, grabbing his waist and pushing his back against the glass around the bus stop, kissing him like he was his darkest now fulfilled desire. Maybe he really was. 

About Jay? His mind was a loop of ‘oh fuck. oh fuck. ohfuckohfuckohfuck.’. What the HELL was Sunghoon doing? And why was it so good? It felt so good it was almost like the way Ethan make him feel, but better- Holy fuck, better? He felt his heart racing, his body reacting when Sunghoon tighted his grip, pulling him even closer, making Jay grind against his lap- Where did he learnt that? That was so good, even when Sunghoon didn’t have anything downstairs for Jay to grind on- Hell, that wasn’t the best thought he could have. 

The time was running both slow and fast when they stepped apart. Sunghoon’s bus had arrived. He got closer again to let a hickey on Jay’s neck, giggling and waving his hand before getting on the bus, just like he wasn’t just about to make Jay go crazy. 

Jay lightened up another cigar and got his cellphone, feeling himself shaking, but ignoring it. 

@ ITBOY_JPARK

i got fumbled so bad rn 

@ HSNG_01 

by who

@ ITBOY_JPARK

you wont fucking believe

i got kissed 

i >GOT< kissed 

HE leaded me. 

PARK SUNGHOON FUMBLED ME BAD.

@ HSNG_01 

WHO DID WHAT.

Chapter Text

Nolan stretched his whole body, not knowing how to keep himself still. If he stood still, he'd fall sleeping. It was 9 in the morning and there they were, at a hospital. Besides him, Lunette. Lunette was someone they met in online groupchats, they frequented a lot of systems-related groupchats, there was where The Galaxy System met Astral System, like they were made for each other! 

Well, they had more between that. A little secret only Lunette and Nolan knew. 

Astral was now in a relationship with four or five partners, but as they met, Lunette was still knowing them, so it wasn't big of a thing if Nolan decided to step on and try to make a move. 

That resulted in where they were now.

The neonatal station at the hospital, Lunette napping at Nolan's shoulder, the girl was four months pregnant, the exact same time they knew eachother. For all Astral, it was their partner's, for Lunette and Nolan? It was uncertain..

That was Nolan's secret, the one no one besides him in the Galaxy knew. It was just crazy, how would he say that to them? 

The boy sighed, stroking gently at her belly. He could feel the baby moving lightly and that made him smile, making him think of his brothers. 

“Morning, princess.” He smiled, kissing his fingers and depositing the kiss on the girls' belly. “Are you alright today? Dad surely is! You've grown so big, you know that? I hope you don't take my genetics, if you do.. I'm so sorry, you'll need stairs for everything.” He laughed, still stroking there. The baby would kick back when he spoke, that was lovely!

“How are you so sure that the baby is a girl?” She asked, sleepy. 

“Father's intuition, baby.” He smiled, now stroking Lunette’s purple hair.

“You really want to be her father..” She smiled, sighing. “Have you told the others about her?”

Nolan bit his cheek and Lunette, stared at him, sighing and nodding negatively.

“Don't do that.. Have you told the others about me being her father?” He tried to counterattack, hearing her laughing about it.

“You can't just be a father without your system not knowing about it, Nolan, that's peak craziness- Oh, ouch.” She sighed, with a hand on her stomach. Nolan was now fully alert, was something wrong? “She's strong.” 

“She's defending her father!” He laughed. Lunette just rolled her eyes. 

“Or she's just mad about her father having no sense of responsibility.” She shrugged. Ouch. 

He was ready to argue back when he got surprised, seeing someone that wasn't supposed to be there. Heeseung walked in with some lady, just as pregnant as Astral. They exchanged wide glances to eachother as Heeseung guided his lady to sit next to Lunette. 

“I’ll be back soon.” Nolan mumbled to Lunette, that didn't quite understand the situation. He stood near Heeseung, nodding with his head, silently calling him closer. Both headed to the nearest open-air section, the one people used to smoke. 

Heeseung lighted one up, stressed. 

“What the fuck are you-” Kim started, being interrupted by Jake. 

“Who is her?” He asked, deadly serious.

“My father's girlfriend, remember?” He shrugged, simple. “I don't remember you having a sister, you've always said about two little brothers..” The rich kid mumbled, staring at Shim, almost shaking from pure nervousness. “Holy fuck you got a girl pregnant.”

“Shut up!” He demanded, trying to react better, not in pure panic, but his body just denied doing so. 

“I thought you were a virgin! Holy shit, Jake, you look so much like a virgin.” Heeseung laughed in disbelief. “You're going to be a father, look at you, you're going to be a father! I can't even-”

“Are you dumb?” He asked, puzzling him”

“I'm sorry, what?” Heeseung asked.

“Are you dumb? You're still calling me Jake.” That was his attempt to change the subject. “It's Shim for you, dumbass.” 

“Oh, is it? Or is it about that multiple personality thing?” He chuckled. 

“Actually, it is.” He said, deadass seriously. That was the moment Heeseung realized he was telling the truth. “Thank you for your kindness, I'm Nolan. You've never met me, but I know you. Now, listen here, Heeseung: I don't give a damn for what you're doing here, just make sure to shut your mouth, ok? You saw nothing here.” 

“Do you really have multiple personalities? I thought it was just an inside joke between you and your friends.” Kim asked, apparently interested. Nolan tried to keep on his cool, until it wasn't his cool anymore. 

“And I thought you had a brain but I think neither you or your friend have one.” He scoffed, crossing his arms. ‘What the hell are you doing here?!’ He asked internally, not recognising who was there.

“Ouch? You don't have to hurt me like that.” Heeseung pouted and Azriel chuckled, rolling his eyes playfully. Fucking Azriel.

“Sorry, Bae.” He blew a kiss and Heeseung caught it in the middle air, putting it on his lips in a smirk. Azriel bit his lip in a mid smile, but Nolan was just disgusted. ‘Stop it.’ He demanded, hearing a soft laugh from Azriel. “Let's go back, you can go first, I need to organize my thoughts.” 

“Just a question: Do you always get horny after almost beating the shit out of someone?” Azriel laughed.

“Beating you? Honey, I don't even know why are we here..” He laughed. Heeseung was even more puzzled. 

“Nolan?” He asked, confused.

“Oh, Nolan? No.. I'm Azriel, Bae, the one with the skateboard? That day? Yeah.. Azzy for short, but you can calm me Baby if you want to.” 

“Fuck off.” Heeseung rolled his eyes, getting back inside. 

Azriel sighed, running his hands through their face and sitting on the floor for a while, shaking their hands, trying to self regulate. 

“Why the hell are we here?” He mumbled, closing his eyes. Suddenly, he felt like he was distant from the body, but not quite at the spaceship. Outside, Nolan texted Lunette in a hurry. “Az is here. Don't say a thing. I'm sorry, princesses.” He deleted the message for himself before stepping back, hoping that he didn't just throw Azriel in the verge of a dissociative episode. He felt his body giving up on him, just falling down wherever he was. Water splashed all over his body, making him soaked wet, that was the moment he opened his eyes, just to find himself at a pool. He knew where he was. To his very luck, the area he was in wasn't deep, it almost felt like a puddle. He stood, feeling himself shaking, walking around. 

“Sirena, are you there?” He asked, seeing the water swirling and dancing around him. The girl emerged from the waters, as godly as she could be. Nolan smiled, amazed. There was his girlfriend. “My love.” He whispered. 

They'd joke a million times about the lack of creativity in an ocean spirit having the shape of a mermaid, being called Sirena, but the girl loved her name. Sirena had beautiful curly, long, red hair, and it seemed even longer when she had it wet. It was deadly beautiful. Her tail was a mesmerizing shade of purple, and it always moved so softly when she was swimming Nolan would always get hypnotized by her movements. 

The girl gave herself a big stretch, yawning, chucking softly, still sleepy. She was so lovely.

“What's on your mind, Lovely?” She whispered, cupping his face before leaning for a soft kiss. She stroked Nolan's scales on the sides of his face. The boy had dragon scales, tan skin and bloody red hair, adding up with the little horns, of course. What could you expect? from a demon prince? “Something happened, what was this?” 

He sighed, knowing it would be worthless to fight against her. He just melted on her lap, laying down, getting himself comfortable there, it'd be easy to say it without looking at her face.

“Do you remember Astra? Lunette from Astra?” He asked, the girl nodded. “We remember we hung out for a while, right?” Again, another nod. “Hm.. God, I'm so sorry.” He sighed, nervously. “They're pregnant. I think the baby's mine.” 

The waters went still, Sirena held her breath for a while, trying to make up something she could say. When she sighed deeply, looking again for air, the waters reflected her mood, now agitated. Her “aquarium”, that was what they called that place, was a big endless black void with water all over the place, it could be deep or not. He could hear the water splashing violently against something, hearing waves and feeling the breeze turn itself in a wind. Although her face didn't show any reaction, her aquarium spoke for her.

“Did they know?” She whispered, knowing who was she talking about and- God. Nolan could feel something was very wrong. 

“No.” Nolan bit his lip, nervous.

“For how long has this been going on?” Another whisper. 

“Two.. Months.” He answered.

“Two months?” Her tone got higher, he could felt a swirl forming around himself, pulling him under the water. 

“Sirena, my love-”

“What if the baby is really yours, Nolan? You’re not even the host here! God! Can we afford a child? We can't! Why didn't you- God, there's so much going on in my head right now.. Why are men this dumb?” She sighed, putting her hair up. “You're going to talk to them now, or I'm not talking to you, I will lock my house and never talk to you again, never!” 

“My love, can we-” He felt the water pulling him down, getting nervous about it. “Heeseung saw us and now I’m scared. He’s with Az now and I’m scared. I’m scared about.. About everything. When it was just a secret, just between me and Lunette, everything was right, but now I’m.. I’m just scared. It’s like everything fell apart on me, and I’m under all the debris trying desperately to get-”

“Why did you do this again?” She asked. Her voice cracked. Sirena was too empathetic, now she’d felt her boyfriend’s sorrow, revisiting his history. She tried to held back her emotions, mostly her tears, but it was just so hard. “Do you remember when we first met? Do you still remember how you were feeling? How you were… Broken? It’s happening again, Love, do you notice? You find someone, you hide them, you get yourself in a situation that demands help and you refuse to seek the help you need… And here we are again, right?” She chuckled, sighing. “I know you don’t want to be distanced from everyone again, I know you hate being called a persecutor, but why are we doing this again, my love?” 

“I don’t… I don’t know.” He sighed, biting his inner cheek. He wasn’t going to cry, not in front of her. “I didn’t thought we would get to this, you know, I told you about Lunette, I just thought we’re going to hang out- make out a few times, I never thought we were coming to this, I never..” He gave up, hearing a desperate sob coming from his mouth and just letting the tears out. He sat down so Sirena could reach to him, hug him, but everything she did was hold his hand. He knew she was upset and god that was terrible. “I’m sorry, I… I kept calling myself ‘Dad’ for this kid, but I never.. I never thought deeply about this, I just.. I think I just realized I don’t even know what being a dad is about.” He chuckled, in dispair. “Their body is 25, they have a degree, they have a job, their partners are all grown up too, I am, but the body is 19, the boys aren’t working and they don’t have support to be doing this right now, we’re not even studying.. How am I supposed to make this go well?”

“At least now you think about this.” She sighed, using the waters to wash his face, doing this to herself too. “Here’s what we gonna do, ok? We’re talking to Dahlia, and you will listen to her, because I just know she’s gonna go nuts on you; You’re gonna listen to her, and we’re deciding if we talk this to the triplets now or we wait a bit, ok? I’m going to be just beside you, you won’t be alone, there’s no need to be afraid, right?” He nodded and she leaned for a kiss, smiling gently for him now. It didn’t change the urge she had to just punch his face for being like that, but, opposed to him, she knew how to use her brain to think.

She took off the necklace she was wearing and gave it to him so he could breathe underwater, holding his hand as they swam, not taking that long until they reached her house, entering and going straight to the elevator. When they noticed, they were at the spaceship’s hall, not that wet anymore. 

They had a special box with different types of canes near the elevator, knowing that Sirena would mostly forget to take hers. As spending most of her time as a mermaid, the girl struggled with her human form, feeling incredibly tired when she had to walk, it was even painful to her. Thinking of that, they made her canes, which certainly helped her. 

She decided to take the one Elizabeth made to her, all colourful and with lots of stickers everywhere, it even had a few ribbons here and there! The ship was strangely empty, they couldn't hear a sound. Sirena sighed and held the cane with both hands, lifting and hitting the ground, causing the wind to whistle, announcing her arrival. She heard giggles somewhere, watching Elizabeth run to them, jumping into Nolan's arms.

“Dahlia! Mom and Dad are here!” She announced and both laughed. Although they weren't really her parents, she considered them as so. 

“Oh really, I couldn't even notice it if it wasn't for you, darling! The wind suddenly almost becoming a hurricane wasn't a clear sign.” She joked, with her arms crossed. Dahlia reminded them of a nun, well, maybe a contemporary nun? Maybe a nun-shaped heresy- “What do you guys want? A threesome? Thank you, I'm not up to being an experiment for two supernatural forces.” She laughed, pushing away the veil she wore. “Seriously, why are you two here?”

“We have to talk to you. Seriously.” Nolan declared and she widened her green eyes, taking Elizabeth from him.

“Baby, tell Jake that Dahlia asked him to show you the stars in his room, ok? I'll get you when we're done with the grown up’s talk.” She kissed her forehead, putting her in the elevator and sending her to Jake's room. “Follow me.” She pointed with her head, leading him to the files room down the corridor. “What have you both done?”

“She's just here to hold my hand and shit..” He sighed. “Here's the thing: There's this.. Very huge possibility… That I've gotten someone pregnant. And it's Astra. More specifically, Lunette from Astra.”

Dahlia’s eye almost twitched, knowing Astra were her best friend. She was there when they found out they're pregnant, the first ultrasound, she's always talking to Jessi, Amanda or Somi about the baby.. It was fucking crazy imagining that the baby growing up in her friend's belly could possibly be from her own system.

What'd make her then? A stepmother? Fucking god-

“Sirena, sweetie, may I?” She asked, sighing.

“Do it.” She confirmed and Nolan looked confused, getting caught unaware when Dahlia just slapped his face, angrily.

“Are you fucking dumb? Are we- Are you fucking crazy? I bet everyone is unaware, this is so unfair, so fucking unfair.. Fuck, I really want to kill you! I'm not even joking, I just won't do this because you will do your job as a parent to this kid. I don't care, you just will.” She sighed, grabbing her own hair. She seemed like she was on verge to slap him again when she just put her hands together, in a prayer. “God all mighty, please enlighten me enough for me not to punch this idiot until he gets down to his senses, because I swear, if I don't have your guidance, I'll do it in an instant.” She sighed, putting her hands on her pockets again. “You'll talk to the triplets about it. I don't care. I'm not helping, I don't give a fuck about how you're doing this. You'll do this. That shit is not my problem..” She sighed, again. “I'll be in my room, don't come after me, I need my prayers.” She chuckled, taking the elevator. 

Nolan just side glanced at his girlfriend, massaging where Dahlia slapped him. Sirena avoided his looks, sighing, thinking about what they could do. 

“We're writing a letter and putting it on the mirror, so everyone can see, right? You will write it, I will just help you.” She smiled, running her hands through his hair. “We can do it now, or we can wait until Az step back, what do you want, darling?” 

He didn't answer, just nodded with his head. Empty eyes. Sirena guided him somewhere he couldn't even recognise, laying him down on her lap. Nolan felt himself like a fog wandering around Sirena, his surroundings meant nothing to him. His body felt like it weighed both a ton or was just weightless. The time ran both slow and fast, everything was so confusing. He knew he was dissociating, but it was probably the worse episode he ever had. Why he decided to be so ignorant about the subject? Why he never came to his senses to think about what meant to be a father, to help, to raise someone.. In the end, maybe, Nolan was as bad as a father as Songjae was, and it terrified him. He wanted to scream, he wanted to cry, he wanted to tell Lunette and the baby that he was sorry for being an asshole.

He opened his eyes, not noticing he'd even closed them, and found himself in the body. He’d feel Az around him, hoping he'd not see this. 

He unlocked the cellphone, running to his private chat with Lunette, unlocking it with his own password, there were messages there. 

@AD_ASTRA

heyy 

i missed u 

the baby's doing great 

me 2

the doctor said it's probably a girl 

we spent the afternoon thinking about names 

we settled in for chaera.

and i decided to let you choose her other name, like jaeyun and jake, got it?

@ GALAXYSHIM

Alice.

I want Alice.

@AD_ASTRA

alice.

that's so beautiful..

she liked too.

alice..

thank you..

@ GALAXYSHIM

You're welcome 

Next time I get around

We can talk again, ok?

Take care.

He closed the chats, getting himself a piece of paper and a pen and writing everything that came to his mind down, putting in on the bathroom mirror, hearing muffled sounds calling Azriel names downstairs, “ ‘m coming!” Was everything he said before heading to the corridor, stepping back from the front again. He felt weak again, falling on his knees in the water, again. 

Putting his head up, he found himself in Sirena’s living room. The television was turned on in some channel he didn't even know. Now more into his senses, he noticed that he wasn't even wet, great. The prince wandered around the house until he found his beautiful girlfriend, sleeping in a weird position that made him laugh. He just laid by her side, snuggling her until both of them fell asleep.

“I have to see how bad it looks. God, I'm killing you.” Azriel laughed, running to the mirror so he could see how bad the hickey Heeseung gave him looked. His laugh died when he saw the mirror blocked by a piece of paper with something written in it, what in the world? 

“Hey, it's Nolan.

I'm sorry for keeping it a secret, I was afraid to tell you all, and I didn't think much of it until now.

I got us in trouble, again, but now it's kinda.. Irreversible.’ 

‘What the hell?’ He felt Claire, but heard Thom. Probably both the triplets were behind him.

‘I don't know how to tell you about this, but we're going to be parents.. My fault, all my fault. We all know Astra, right? Their baby, I think it's mine and Lunette’s. 

I'm so sorry for not telling you guys before.

-Nolan.” 

“This motherfucker.” He mumbled, staring at the letter for so long his vision got blurry and dark and- What?! For a minute he could feel everything at once, everything the triplets felt and it was so overwhelming, he wanted to push them out the faster he could, what in the hell was that? 

It took some time for the triplets to be, maybe, forcefully taken out of the front, leaving Azriel alone again. He noticed he was curved on the sink, with his forehead on his arms. He felt a chill down his spine and sighed, lifting his head and feeling a touch down his back, just to notice Heeseung there.

“Azzy, you good?” He asked, stroking his back. “Stood up too fast?”

“No, I think I almost panic-switched.” He sighed, still having trouble standing still. “I think I'm going to be a half father.. Fuck, I'm going to be a half father.”

“Makes two of us, if being half a father, half a brother is a thing.” Heeseung shrugged, Azriel was in disbelief of how natural this atrocity sounded.

Chapter Text

It wasn’t the most common thing in the world to wake up with your stepmother laying on top of you, hugging you while she sleeps, with her round but no so big pregnant belly touching you. Sometimes the baby would lightly move at you, and you’d feel it. It was disgusting. You had taken care of her yesterday, and the day before, and the day before, and the day before. You’d hold her hair while she pukes, go out in the middle of the night to help her satisfy her cravings, you’d put her to sleep because she was too uncomfortable to do so.. When you look at your memories, you know you can see yourself helping her since day one, caring for her and the unborn child on her womb. The child. The future infant. The future teenager and adult. One with his own life. Another life growing on one’s body and you catch yourself rooting for it, don’t you? Cause, if you don’t, why would you be so gentle? Why would you care so much? A father is the one who cares for, right? And it makes you a father. You’re a father. 

You’re the father of your own sibling. 

Heeseung doesn’t know if it was the realization or being hungover, but all he did was to push Haram gently to the side and run to the nearest bathroom, reaching the sanitary the faster he could before throwing everything he consumed the night before up. It tasted as bitter as the spiral of thoughts he threw himself in moments before. 

“Oh, we’re switching sides now?” Haram laughed, probably crossing her arms. “Where’s your cigs then?” She laughed hard when he flipped her off, getting closer to him and stroking his hair. He felt the heaves coming harder. “Is it all because you drank last night?”

“Why else would it be?” He spat a few times and got himself up, getting himself away from Haram. “Doctor. Go find something to wear.” He pushed her gently out of the bathroom and took a deep sigh, pulling his hair like he was able to pull his own thoughts out of his head. Peak craziness, this is what his life has been for the last months. He pulled out his grape-flavoured vape in the same drawer he hid his things last time. The rich kid decided to take a shower to clear his mind, taking more time than usual to get ready, just because he needed some time for himself. 

He didn’t asked her if she wanted breakfast or what, he didn’t want to even waste his voice talking to her. Everything he said was ‘Let’s go.’ and then headed to his car, taking his cellphone and reaching for his dad, getting the courage by his vape, apparently. 

@ HSNG_01

im going to my apt 

im done w taking care of your girlfriend and my goddamn sibling 

im not their father, you are 

do something about it.

He sighed and waited until she entered the car, riding in silence until they got to the hospital. He made her wait until he finished another cigar, leading the girl to the waiting room. It would be just another day if he didn't encounter someone.. Well.. Unexpectedly. 

He saw Jake with some other girl, they were at the neonatal station, he rested one of his hands at her belly, they looked… Passionate, at least. 

It didn’t took that long until he noticed Heeseung was there, freezing. He said something to the girl and ran to Kim, holding his hand and leading him to somewhere private enough for them to talk. 

“What the fuck are you-” Heeseung questioned, lightening another cigar, stressed. 

“Who is her?” Jake asked. He was pale. Heeseung just felt something was very wrong.

“My father's girlfriend, remember?” The rich kid shrugged. “I don't remember you having a sister, you've always said about two little brothers..” He mumbled, staring at Jake. He wore a black leather jacket and black jeans, such as a white t-shirt. He looked so hot. Heeseung almost let it carry him away from the frightened gaze from Shim, putting the pieces back together.  “Holy fuck you got a girl pregnant.”

“Shut up!” He panicked and everything made sense to Heeseung. Holy fuck.

“I thought you were a virgin! Holy shit, Jake, you look so much like a virgin.” Kim laughed in disbelief, blowing his smoke. “You're going to be a father, look at you, you're going to be a father! I can't even-”

“Are you dumb?” Shim asked, puzzling him.

“I'm sorry, what?” Heeseung asked, crossing his arms.

“Are you dumb? You're still calling me Jake. It's Shim for you, dumbass.” He spat. Heeseung couldn’t be more confused.

“Oh, is it? Or is it about that multiple personality thing?” He chuckled, rolling his eyes. 

“Actually, it is.” He said, deadass seriously. Heeseung stared at him until he noticed he wasn’t playing, oh. So that was… Really a thing.  “Thank you for your kindness, I'm Nolan. You've never met me, but I know you. Now, listen here, Heeseung: I don't give a damn for what you're doing here, just make sure to shut your mouth, ok? You saw nothing here.” 

“Do you really have multiple personalities? I thought it was just an inside joke between you and your friends.” Heeseung was really interested in that matter, he’d never seen someone like that. Jake- Nolan seemed confused by his interest. 

“And I thought you had a brain but I think neither you or your friend have one.” He scoffed, crossing his arms.

“Ouch? You don't have to hurt me like that.” Heeseung pouted and Nolan chuckled, rolling his eyes playfully. He was cute, Heeseung couldn’t even deny. 

“Sorry, Bae.” He blew a kiss and Heeseung caught it in the middle air, putting it on his lips in a smirk. He bit his lip in a mid smile. “Let's go back, you can go first, I need to organize my thoughts.” 

“Just a question: Do you always get flirty after almost beating the shit out of someone?” Heeseung asked and the former model laughed.

“Beating you? Honey, I don't even know why are we here..” He laughed. Heeseung was even more puzzled. What?

“Nolan?” He asked, confused. Maybe they’d switched personalities again.

“Oh, Nolan? No.. I'm Azriel, Bae, the one with the skateboard? That day? Yeah.. Azzy for short, but you can call me Baby if you want to.” Oh. Now Heeseung knew who was he talking to.

“Fuck off.” Heeseung rolled his eyes, getting back inside. Both of the girls were chatting, some girl-mom chat. Azriel’s baby mama was cute, with a long purple hair, apparently curly. She spoke everything with a smile, exhibiting her black lipstick and heavy makeup, he’d seen Jake, or someone else, maybe, with makeups in that style. That made a lot of sense, they were cute together. 

He just watched the girls talking until both of them were called to the doctor’s room, waiting there until Azriel came again, now carrying his jacket. 

“Hey, so… Nolan didn’t told me why are we here, and I don’t think I really want to know.. Do you wanna hang out?” He smiled and Heeseung pondered if he was supposed to tell what was happening. Probably not. He pondered again if he was supposed to leave Haram out there, but guess what? The kid wasn’t his, the girlfriend wasn’t his. 

“Where do you want to go, Baby?” He tried, smirking. His hands resting on his pockets. Azriel smiled back, crossing his arms, as flirty as him. Heeseung liked him. 

“Wherever you are, Bae. Where are we going, hm?” He grabbed him by his collar and Heeseung grabbed his waist, pulling him closer. “Let’s go to my house first, shall we? I want to change clothes and get my skateboard.” He pouted and Heeseung nodded negatively, making the boy cross his arms, falsely angered. “Why not?” 

“I’m lending you my clothes, and we’re going to ride karts.” He explained, staring at his lips flirtly.

“I never did it, you’re going to teach me, and I’m not kissing you in a hospital, in your car? Maybe.” He shrugged. 

“Let’s go then.” He called, leading the boy to his car. He caught his cellphone and left a message to Haram, not caring too much, that wasn’t his problem.

They entered the car. Azriel gave himself a big stretch before Heeseung leaned for the kiss. Azriel took it, stroking the hair on the back of his head. It took a while until they separated from each other, leaving for Heeseung’s flat. It was hell of a ride to drive while Azriel squeezed and stroked his thigh. God, this boy was purely evil. 

“Can you just.. Stop distracting me this way?” The rich boy asked, his voice trembling as he spoke.

“But I ain’t doing a thing, this isn’t fair.” He pouted, crossing his arms, deciding to keep his hands to himself. “I don’t think your clothes would fit me.”

“It will, it will just look baggy.” He shrugged. “Just like it fits on Jay.”

“There’s this specific times I swear to god you and Jay are dating, but you two always prove me wrong, somehow.” He rolled his eyes. 

“Think about it as having a situationship with your best friend.” Heeseung answered, simple. Everything was so simple to him, it was annoying. 

“That’s fair, I guess.. I’ve never been on a situation like that, but I kinda understand, I think?” He shrugged, leaning his head on the glass and sighing. “Why did I kiss you?” apparently thought out loud, staring into the void and wiping his lips. The rich kid mumbled a confused ‘Ouch?’. “Seriously, you were supposed to just… Be a friend. Why did I do this?” 

“Ahm.. You tell me, I guess..?” Heeseung chuckled, confused. “Are you okay?”

“Tell me my name.” He whispered. Heeseung was.. Well.. Puzzled, at least. “I literally can’t remember my name.” 

“Azriel. Azzy. Azzy Azzy Azzy, Oi Oi Oi!” He chuckled and Azriel did the same, rolling his eyes. He repeated his own name in a whisper, crossing his arms and sighing. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know, I think someone got too close to the front and I just don’t want to share today.. So yeah.” He shrugged, fixing his hair. “Where are we going, anyways?”

“My apartment.” He said, already entering the parking lot at the complex. “Actually, we are already here.”

“Do you live in the parking lot? Wow, where do you sleep?” The former model held back a laugh and Heeseung did the same, rolling his eyes. 

“I didn't know you were such a clown, Azzy.” He finally parked the car, getting out and opening the door for Azriel. 

“And I didn't know you were this romantic, you're such a gentleman.” Azriel kissed his cheek, getting apart from him with a smile on his lips. 

Heeseung drove them to the lift, then to his apartment. Azriel was kinda flabbergasted, he'd never been to such an expensive-looking place like that. Not even in his model days. 

“Holy fuck.” He said in a whisper, cracking a laugh. “You're really rich.”

“Said the genius.” He rolled his eyes, leading Azriel to his bedroom and opening his wardrobe. “Pick anything you like.”

The skater boy got closer to the wardrobe, trying to find something his style. It didn't take him that much to find the right clothing, leading himself to the bathroom so he could change his clothes. He stopped by the sink, feeling the skin of his face almost sticky, was it the sunscreen? Any kind of cream? It didn't seem like makeup.. He couldn't tell, but it was a sensory hell! He flapped his hands trying to avoid being overstimulated and then shoved both of them on the running water, waiting for Sirena to help him wash his face. He waited. And waited. And waited a bit more. Still, nothing of her. Actually, he felt no one close to him on the front, it was.. Strange, at least. He gave up on using water, closing the faucet tightly and searching a packet of makeup remover wipes until he found one.

On the other side, Heeseung sat on top of the nightstander he moved next to the window, smoking. He pondered about telling what was happening to Jay, and even typed ‘you wont believe who am i into today”, but honestly? He didn't feel like doing so, and he didn't know if Jay knew that they were really.. Hm.. 

“Azzy.” He called, throwing his pillow at the door to get his attention. “When you have multiple personalities, you're called what? Do you.. Like, people with depression are depressed, got it? Do you have an adjective or you just call the whole thing?”

Azriel opened the door just to laugh at him, Heeseung rolled his eyes. 

“First, multiple personalities isn't a thing anymore, for us, is dissociative identity disorder, DID for short. And you can say I'm, or we are multiple.” Azriel explained.

“Thank you, baby.” He thanked. Anyways.. He didn't knew if Jay took the whole thing of they being multiple really serious, and.. Man, if he doesn't, they'd really have to have a serious talk with each other.

Azriel finally came out of the bathroom, Heeseung felt like his heart forgot how to beat when he saw how, well, both cute and stylish Azriel looked in his clothing. He smiled, crossing his arms and putting the cigarette down. “You look cute.” Was all Heeseung could said. 

“It was the best I could do with clothes that aren’t mine.” Azriel shrugged. “But it feels nice.” He smiled, laying down on Heeseung’s bed and yawning. 

“So, are we leaving or-”

“Leaving for wha- Oh, the whole kart thing.. Yeah.. That’s a thing: I can’t drive.” He laughed. No humor at all. 

“They’re supposed to help you to-” 

“I really can’t drive, as in, I’m not allowed. Not because I don’t have a license, but because people with DID or any dissociative disorders can’t drive. It sucks, I know, but here we are.” He shrugged. “Do you have something we can do together or we’re laying down and just killing some time together?” 

Kim hesitated for a bit before, in a deep sigh, just decide to lay down near Azriel, pulling him closer by his waist. Azriel smiled a bit. 

“Domestic snuggling with you wasn’t on my to-do list until this day, but I won’t complain, I’m liking it.” Heeseung shrugged, getting his hand closer to Azriel’s waist. The former model could almost feel the phantom touch there. “Do you have any boundaries about.. Like, you know..” He sighed. If he listened his own mind too closely, he would listen both himself and Jay laugh about how “careful” and “kind” he was with Azriel. He just didn’t think much about it, he considered that it was his first contact with Azriel, he had to take at least a bit of care, right? 

“If I start, you go.” He kissed Heeseung’s neck and he reacted in a sigh, slowly touching his waist and pulling him closer, hearing him chuckle, noticing his cheeks in a cute-ish tone of pink. “Keep on, I liked it.” 

“I didn’t know you were this soft, you seemed so.. Like a tough guy, I guess? With all your skating things and all..” He shrugged. 

“Did I intimidate you?” Azriel laughed. That was unbelievable! Heeseung and Jay always were the two “bad guys” since they’ve met now he just had Heeseung at the palm of his hand? Crazy. 

“Not really, if we’re being honest, I thought you were a nerd. That was the only stereotype that we had left, right? We had the problematic pretty boy, we had the slutty and problematic boy and all we had left were the problematic nerd.” He shrugged, Azriel tried to fake a offended look, but all he could do was laugh about it.

“Ok, you clocked us. But we’re not the only ones, you and Jay are two bad boys!” Azriel responded, rolling his eyes. He let out a big yawn, stretching himself. “I think we woke up too early today..”

“A nap would be good, doesn’t it?” He stroked his hair, slightly, watching as he snuggled near himself. Heeseung let a little smile grow into his lips. Azriel was.. Cute. 

“I don’t think I can sleep outside my house.” He mumbled, already so sleepy. 

“Alright, look, I’m going to the living room, play a game or something, I’ll give you the key to my room, you can lock it from inside and leave the key on the keyhole, this way, you can be sure that nobody is entering this room without your permission.” Heeseung stood up, giving Azriel the key. The boy looked at Heeseung and traced the key’s outline in his own palm. That was one of the sweetest things someone did to him. 

Azriel smiled back and followed Heeseung as he walked out of the bedroom. Heeseung waited a while before heading to the balcony, pulling his vape out of one pocket and the cellphone out of the other, calling someone he already knew. Someone that could help him better. 

“Darling, you good?” Beomgyu asked, scared. “Something happened? Do you want me to pick you up somewhere? I’m with my partners, but-”

“I’m fine, Beom.” He chuckled, exhaling the smoke. “I’m at my apartment, actually.” 

“Thanks god, I picked up already waiting to find you almost passed out drunk or something.” He laughed back. “What’s happening, then?”

“I’m with someone… A boy, one from my group therapy, we met at the hospital, I was taking Haram to the hospital and we met there. We’re hanging out now, he’s sleeping in my room and I’m smoking in the balcony. 

“That seems nice? Are you liking it?” The friend asked, nicely. 

“Yeah, yeah, but here’s the thing:” He sighed, ashamed. “I’m too soft for him, too soft! What was the last time you saw me being soft with someone?” 

“Well, you seemed pretty soft with me.” Beomgyu was sure of his words. “I don’t get what’s the problem.”

“What’s the problem? Everything is the problem! Me being soft, the fact we met at Island, the fact he has different personalities and I’m not hanging out with the one I see at therapy-”

“Wait, he’s multiple? As in.. A system?” He asked. Heeseung could listen one of Beomgyu’s partners saying a shocked ‘What?!’. 

“Who’s there? What- Oh, wait-” 

“It’s Kai. Wait, is it?” Beomgyu asked, getting away form the phone. The other one replied; ‘Lukai, darling.’ “Close!” Beomgyu laughed. Heeseung heard a smooch between them.

“I’m hanging the fucking phone.” Heeseung sighed.

“No, wait-” Beomgyu laughed. “Him being part of a system is a problem?” 

“No! Wait, not really, I think.. I don’t know, actually…” He sighed. “I think the way I’m being so careful with him- Them- I don’t know! The way I’m being careful and acting like they’re something.. Special? I don’t act like this! I’m not that soft!” 

“You’re soft when you’re really interested in someone, that’s obvious.” 

“I’m not even interested in them, we’re just hanging out! I already said it.” Heeseung rolled his eyes, even when Beomgyu was unable to see it. “I think I’m soft because I think they’re soft, I’m just treating them like I think? They deserve?” 

Heeseung thinks he responded with a laugh and an ‘If you said so..’, he couldn’t listen it well as some interference stroked the line. He sighed and looked to his cellphone, another person was calling him, that was the interference. He sighed as he read ‘Dad’ in the screen. He hung up on Beomgyu and answered his dad’s call, receiving a scream in return. 

“What?” He replied, boringly. 

“Are you out of your fucking mind, Heeseung?” His body petrified with his father’s rage, not from being afraid, but from being angry at it. “You left Haram out there, alone? To go where? What do you have that is more important than your sibling?” 

“My life, that is it!” Heeseung screamed back, his father went silent. “For god’s sake! Haram is so fucking weird! Everyday when I woke up, she’s laid by my side! She’s… Hugging me, kissing my face-”

“You should thank her for it, because no girl in this goddamn world would chose to lay next a spoiled kid like you, Heeseung.” 

“No wonder who spoiled me! I think must be the one that paid almost my life away to free me from ending up in jail!” 

“You fucking ungrateful child! You’re exactly like your mother!” His father screamed. 

“I’m exactly like you and that’s why I hate myself so fucking much!” Heeseung screamed back, punching one of the walls like he was his 14 year old self again, a kid with anger issues and substance abuse problems. “I’m not taking care of your girlfriend. I’m not!” He didn’t have to scream that much, but he did it anyways. Maybe Heeseung was really a spoiled kid. 

“We’ll talk about it when you get home, Heeseung.” He stated. 

“I’m not getting home today, don’t wait for me.” He responded. 

“Heeseung Ethan Lee, If you don’t-”

“Fuck off!” He screamed, turning the phone down and throwing it on the couch, turning to the wall and punching again, and again, and again, and- 

“Stop it! Stop it, Heeseung! Stop it!” Azriel ran onto him, holding his fists tightly as he tried to free himself. “You’re gonna hurt yourself, stop it!” 

Heeseung lost his temper and immobilized Azriel on the wall, ready to punch him like he did a few times with Jay. But on Azriel’s frightened stare he realized, he wasn’t Jay, and Heeseung wasn’t his own father, he pushed Azriel away and grabbed his own hair. His chest went up and down so many times like he tried to breathe but the air didn’t seemed to work around him, he started trembling and lost his balance, sitting on the floor. Azriel calmed himself shaking his hands for a bit before noticing Heeseung having a panic attack, kneeling next to him and cupping his face, stroking his cheeks carefully with his thumbs.

“I’m just like my dad.” Heeseung said, and repeated, and repeated, and repeated-

“No, you’re not, you didn’t hurt me, you just tried to hurt yourself, but that’s ok now, you’re safe, I’m with you. I just need you to breathe, ok?” Azriel whispered, smiling softly for him. Heeseung refused to look at him until he couldn’t anymore, following his pace and taking deep breaths until he calmed himself. “Good boy, good boy, you did a pretty good job here.” He smiled, softly, stroking his hair. 

“I’m sorry.” The spoiled kid calmed himself little by little, still in trembling breaths. “I’m really sorry, Az, I lost my temper, it was just.. My dad and-”

“You don’t have to explain yourself, don’t worry. “ He reassured. smiling and stroking Heeseung’s hair. “I’m taking too long at your house, do you want to come to mine’s? My brothers and my mom are travelling, my mom was invited to something in Busan and they went.. I’d ask my friends to stay with me, but you’re here and you did a lot to me today, so.. I can pay you by inviting you to my house, I guess?” 

“Honestly, I’m up to.” He shrugged, going to his bedroom to get some clothes. Azriel followed him. “May I ask you something, Az?” 

“Of course, go on.” He laid at the doorframe, crossed arms, just waiting for Heeseung to ask.”

“Don’t tell me to Google it, I don’t think Google would help me. But you have the choice to don’t say a thing or just tell me to fuck off if it’s too personal, right?” Azriel scoffed, nodding positively with his head. “How do you get DID? Have I said it right? And.. How do this.. Switching thing work?”

“Trauma, like, repeated trauma doing childhood.” Azriel shrugged. “And switching.. I don’t know how we can describe this for you, but.. Imagine you’re playing videogame with Jay, you’re playing, he’s watching, then you stand up to go to the bathroom, Jay takes the control, and when you return, he’s not even in the same place, same mission, you’re nowhere, you don’t even know this area existed in the game! But you can’t switch the game. For us, it’s like this, but, like, for one of our friends, Astra, it’s like… They’re all in the same room, taking turns to play, and when someone ‘goes to the bathroom’, the others explain what they’ve done. Did you understand?” 

“I’m so sorry it happened. And I kinda understand, I can get used to this.” Heeseung smiled. ‘Get used to this’, it meant Heeseung wanted to see him more times! “Bro, you’re blushing.” The rich kid pointed out, trying hardly not to laugh.

“I’m not.” Azriel rolled his eyes, watching as Heeseung passed by him and closed the door behind them. He pressed Heeseung against the doorframe and the boy gave him a smirk, getting his hands closer to Azriel’s waist. 

“Do you want me to ask yes or no?” Heeseung whispered, looking at Azriel’s lips. 

“I already started it, just follow me.” He whispered back.

“I don’t know what you want from me, darling.” He now whispered next to his ear, hearing a trembling sigh from Azriel. 

“A kiss, I want a kiss.” Azriel almost whispered.

“As you wish.” He smiled, leaning and kissing Azriel again. 

He felt the boy tracing with his touch from his waist to his neck, grabbing there with a bit of pression, hearing a chuckle between the kiss. Now, when he had both of Azriel’s arms in his shoulders, Heeseung grabbed his waist, pulling him closer. Azriel whimpered and pulled him closer, like both bodies could fuse. They couldn’t tell when Heeseung started and Azriel ended there, they were one, their bodies, their tongues… No warning needed, Azriel started thrusting his hips against Heeseung’s, Heeseung felt his body on fire as the boy did it, doing the same. Azriel started touching him under his t-shirt and Heeseung did the same and Fucking God it felt so good, Azriel was so good, so nice, so hot, he wanted more, both of them, their body demanded more. Heeseung grabbed the door handle and thought about getting them to the bedroom again, and he would do so if Azriel didn’t-

“No, stop, stop it!” He screamed, closing his ears with his hands. Heeseung ran to the front door so he could give them the amount of space they needed. Azriel just stood there, with his back facing Heeseung so he couldn’t know what is happening. Heeseung waited patiently until something happened. At some point, Azriel got a chill, apparently, looking around and searching for someone. “Heeseung?”

“Behind you. Boo” He smiled as Azriel turned to him, smiling back. 

“I’m sorry, I think… Claire was here, she is, actually… I think her scream made her brothers come closer.. Now Jake and Thom are kinda here, I guess.” He sighed. 

“I kissed four of you?!” Heeseung asked, in complete disbelief.

“Wait- Hold on! I didn’t say it!” Azriel panicked. “No, just me, don’t worry. They’re just making sure I’m not getting us in trouble.”

“They’re taking care of you, cute.” Heeseung smiled, opening the door so they could leave.

And they did. Azriel typed his address in the car’s GPS and Heeseung just followed. Azriel was silent for all the travel, somehow. Heeseung wanted to talk with him, but he just wasn’t.. There. It seemed like there was just his body, not.. Not Azriel itself, his eyes seemed empty, and he almost didn’t blink. It was worrying, but maybe he was just “in the bathroom” and someone was “playing for him.”, actually, it looked like the four of them have left the game on. 

“Azzy, Azzy, Azzy?” Heeseung whispered. Azriel blinked rapidly and took a deep sigh, messing with his own hair and styling it afterward, with his eyes as not starry as usual, still a bit foggy, the boy still answered.

“Oi, oi, oi.” Azriel laughed and Heeseung sighed in relief. “Let me get my address here and-”

“No, darling, we’re here. Isn’t it your house?” He looked around and noticed that they’re actually there. 

“Oh. Yeah, of course. Sorry, I didn’t.. I think I dissociated for a while, I was.. Trying to tell them we’re safe with you… Jake said hello too, actually.” He smiled, getting out of the car. Heeseung did the same, following him. The house was simple, but it was cozy. It felt like a home, not a place to sleep. Or maybe was Azriel that gave him this feeling of- Wait a damn minute.

“Are you better now?” Heeseung asked, trying to get rid of his own strange mind. 

“Totally.” He smiled as he locked the door. Two locks in the higher part, two locks at it’s lowest and two at the doorknob. What? He noticed all the windows had the same mechanisms. It was… Strange. “It’s a mess, don’t mind it.” He took off Heeseung’s backpack and threw him in one of the couches. He pushed Heeseung, making him fall on the couch, sitting on top of him. 

“Now hold on, is Claire here? Jake? Thom?” Heeseung asked, afraid of letting someone uncomfortable. 

“No, we’re alone, darling.” He stroke Heeseung’s cheek with his thumb. Heeseung kinda liked how Azriel was touchy with him. 

“So that’s why you’re on my lap?” He chuckled. “How far do you want to go?”

“I’m not having sex with you, just to be clear, like, not now, It’s our first.. First day going out together? And I have to talk about it with others and, kind of ‘warn them before’, do you get it?” He looked at Heeseung, totally blushed. “What?”

“You’re so straight to the point, aren’t you?” Heeseung chuckled. 

“Am I supposed to say something different?” Azriel asked, puzzled. 

“You’re perfect, Darling, don’t worry.” He smiled. “Excuse, me, darling, I’ll just change my clothes, I’m using this since the hospital, so… Yeah. I’ll do it and we can totally not have sex.” 

Azriel laughed, lying down in the couch. Heeseung got his bag and searched for a bathroom, getting into the first one he saw. Heeseung took a deep breath and looked at himself in the mirror. What the fuck was happening? He took his t-shirt off and reached for the other one. He would die if he didn’t do that, so he reached for his phone, looking for Jay.

@ HSNG_01
bro
u here?

@ ITBOY_JPARK
for what

@ HSNG_01 

you wont believe

guess where am i at

@ ITBOY_JPARK

a party. 

@ HSNG_01

bro u ok.

@ ITBOY_JPARK

bad trip. 

like. 

one of the worst i ever had.

@ HSNG_01

keep on touch ok 

do you want to talk?

@ ITBOY_JPARK

fuck off.

@ HSNG_01

alright 

@ ITBOY_JPARK

where r u

@ HSNG_01

jake’s

@ ITBOY_JPARK

the fuck

like

jake, The Jake?

@ HSNG_01

exactly. 

like, we’ve been together all day long.

hanging out and making out..

@ ITBOY_JPARK

man. 

you’re fucking unbelievable im getting outta here. 

good luck have fun 

Heeseung sighed and turned the phone down, or almost it. He saw a message from Haram, rolled his eyes and put his phone down for real. He changed his clothes and went to couch again. Azriel wasn’t there. “Azriel?"

“ ‘m coming!” He responded, running down the stairs and smiling when he saw him again. “You look so pretty.” 

“I think its the first time someone say I’m pretty.” He chuckled, watching Azriel get himself  comfortable on his lap, squeezing his thighs in response. 

What would happen was obvious: They kissed again. Azriel wasn’t sure of how many time had been since the last time he got this close to someone, but Heeseung made him comfortable, it was equally strange and nice, he was deep into that feeling they had at that point. Heeseung was curious, he wanted more of Azriel, it was something totally new to them, it made the experience even better. Heeseung didn’t notice when Azriel got rid of his shirt, but now he was shirtless, we won’t feel comfortable to take Azriel’s clothes off, so he thought about something better. He noticed Azriel almost grinding on him and he moved one of his hands to his hips, pulling him closer as he thrusted against his hips. He moved his other hand to between Azriel’s hair, stroking there while separating the kiss for a bit. Azriel whimpered silently during the moves, lost in his own feeling until Heeseung pulled him back to earth with a hickey. The sound it made was loud, they separated completely, staring at eachother with their eyes widened. To be honest, Heeseung just mimicked his reaction. 

“That was loud.” Azriel laughed, nervously.

“It’s already red-ish… God, that will be hell of a mark.” Heeseung laughed back, almost proud of his work. 

“I have to see how bad it looks. God, I'm killing you.” Azriel laughed, running upstairs. Heeseung nodded negatively, still laughing, following him a bit slower, not running like he did. 

Noticing even the windows upstairs had that same locking system, he looked around until he noticed the bathroom’s lights on, getting closer and noticing Azriel curved in the sink, getting worried in the same instant. He got close and started stroking his back, carefully, waiting until he reacted. And he did, lifting his head up.

“Azzy, you good?” He asked, stroking his back. “Stood up too fast?”

“No, I think I almost panic-switched.” He sighed. He was rocking himself side to side. “I think I'm going to be a half father.. Fuck, I'm going to be a half father.” That was the moment Heeseung looked up, noticing a letter in the mirror. He pretended not to know about it.

“Makes two of us, if being half a father, half a brother is a thing.” Heeseung shrugged, Azriel was disgusted.

“You’re so weird.” He scoffed in disbelief. “We don’t work, we don’t study, how are we supposed to afford a kid.” 

“I can help you if you want, really. I’ve talked to Nolan about it.” He lied.

“The hell? You knew before us? Nolan, when I lay my hands on you…” Azriel laughed, panicking. Heeseung tried to change the subject, putting down the letter and circling around the slightly bruised hickey in Azriel’s neck, kissing there. “I will punch you. 

“It looks nice, don’t you think?” Heeseung asked in a smile. Suddenly, Azriel pulled him closer and doing himself a hickey on Heeseung’s neck. Trying to do it exactly like he did on him. 

“Now, this looks nice.” He smiled, getting the letter and heading to his bedroom. Heeseung followed him, but stepped back for a bit. “Is everything alright?”

Heeseung stared at Haram calling him, seeing more than nine calls and lots of texts like “I miss You”, “When are you coming home?”, “I can’t sleep without you.”...

He sighed, turning his phone off and shoving it down his pocket. 

“Yes, just got a bit distracted.” He sighed, leading to the bedroom.

Chapter Text

Finally, Jungwon was free.

Well… Almost.

It was his finals week, one week away from freedom, holidays and no more school, as in, being in college or unemployed, well, he had a job, so he was ahead of a few of his classmates. He finished his test and decided to go to the bathroom, just to clear his mind a bit. He had a tangle with him, Seungmin had given it to him with the proposal of having another way to fidget than inflicting pain on himself biting and picking his skin, and it worked! It didn't actually feel the same, he wasn't hoping to do so, but it worked as a way to distract him. He would always use this while walking or rocking himself side to side somewhere. He entered the first bathroom he found, just to meet with someone he already knew there. 

“Oh fuck, this was supposed to be locked.” Sunoo declared, laughing with no humor at all. “Hello, Jungwon!”

“Oh, hi, Sunoo. Free time?” He smiled softly. Sunoo started working at his school for the last weeks, it was truly a scare to encounter him for the first time, but now he'd get used to it. Sunoo sat down on the bathrooms floor with a can of some energy drink on his hands and a cig.

“Yeah, everyone is busy on the final exams and I have no lecture to do now, so I'm taking my time.” Sunoo shrugged, giving space for Jungwon to sit on his side. He offered both the drink and the cigar to the high schooler and he took both, coughing like his life depended on it when the smoke flooded his lungs. “Chill, bro.”

“Chill?! This is pure hell! My grandma always said cigars are the devil's breath.” Sunoo bursted laughing, like Jungwon had just said the best joke in the world. It was an unsettling laugh, someone was so off about Sunoo. 

“I might be Lilith then.” He shrugged in a smile. “How's therapy going?” 

“Okay, I think? I have a new therapist and she's nice! I like her and-”

“Why are you there?” Sunoo asked, straight to the point. “Truth for a truth?”

“We answers the same questions?” Jungwon asked, still playing with his tangle. “Okay, deal. My mom found out I have a problem with self harm and I got back to therapy. I've been in and out since I'm, I don't know, six? Because my parents got divorced. I don't have any trauma surrounding it, they just work better as friends.” He shrugged. “You?”

“Later diagnosed ADHD turned me into a ‘Gifted Kid' when I was a kid and now I'm nothing but the expectations people once projected onto me. And I tried to throw myself under one of Heeseung’s rich-ass cars.” He smiled, pointing to the scar on top of his cheek.

“Wait, hold on-” Jungwon laughed nervously, that was too much information all at once. “What? How-”

“I threw myself on a car and it happened to be the car of my ex-boyfriend's best friend. Didn't die, just broke a few bones and got this sick-ass scar!” He laughed. Jungwon still was in complete shock. “Ok, follow me in this one, ok?” He smiled, grabbing his backpack, pencil and a piece of paper, drawing as he explained. “Me, Sunghoon, Jay and Heeseung knew each other from school. I've dated Jay, but we didn't work out. Heeseung is Jay's best friend. Heeseung is a car racer. I attempted and accidentally threw myself on Heeseung's car! Now he has PTSD of almost killing me and can't drive without having panic attacks!” He clapped like it was the best thing he could explain. Jungwon was still speechless. 

“Oh god.” Was everything he could say. “And how you all ended up… There? Together?” 

“Our school sent us.” He shrugged. “And then people started to come, like Shim, Niki and now you!” The Ex Gifted Kid smiled. 

“That's crazy.” He laughed, still speechless. “I'm working with Niki, he's so sweet, his parents are a bit crazy, but he's such a sweetheart.” 

“I've heard.. Something about not accepting his son is gay.. It must be hard. Lucky me my family gave up on me long ago.” He shrugged, smiling. “Another question! What are you? Like, no one of us is straight there, but what are you?”

“I'm bi, everyone at home is. Even mom's.” He shrugged, grabbing the energy drink again.

“Now, that's a cool thing.” Sunoo adjusted his hair so he could see him better, oh! Cool! His hair was now pink! “I'm pan and probably non-binary but I kind of have a job so I don't have much time to think about it right now.” Sunoo shrugged. 

“That's fair, I guess.” Was all Jungwon could respond before the school's alarm sounded, announcing the morning classes have now ended. “I think I gotta go. Are you still working this afternoon?” 

“Yeah, don't worry, I'm used to it.” He stood up, helping the younger to do the same. “See you tomorrow?”

“See you.” He smiled, grabbing his bag and leaving.

°°° 

Niki watched as Ricky performed for him once more, he had his kind of “midterm test” to discover if they would or would not still keep him in the company and Ricky wasn't so sure about it, so he reached Niki for help. The dancer's mind was something like “Blah blah blah, steps, counts of eight, dancing with impact, keeping a suitable expression..” when honestly what he could notice was how beautiful and talented Ricky was. Niki loved his makeup, he really showed up everyday with a different makeup and it was so beautiful.. He was totally amazed by him.

“How was it?” Ricky asked, sitting down and grabbing Niki's water bottle. 

“Amazing. Perfect, I'd say. I can't think of any other option than keeping you, there's no chance they'd kick you. They spent months talking on my ear about how I was one of the only “ace” male dancers, and now they have you! They won't kick you out, I'm pretty sure.” Niki smiled. Ricky smiled back as he laid down Niki's lap. The dancer started stroking his hair. It was something common for them now. And yet, Niki's heart would go crazy everytime.

“I'll trust you. And if they kick me, I'm living with you from now on.” Ricky joked.

“It's a deal then.” Niki smiled.

“So… You guys have ‘that’ kinds of rehearsals too, right? I've been invited to one of them this week.” Ricky scoffed. “Things really don't change, even when you're in another country..”

“Yeah, I've never been to one. I think I'm not interested in.. These things. I have crowded spaces and loud noises and I'm not that fond of drugs and alcohol I guess, never tried, but-”

“I always had my best kisses at these parties.. All the girls and boys and the hormones and the alcohol.. Yeah, it's a ride… The only time I got wasted was when I got accidentally drugged after a kiss, the boy had just taken a candy and I think I got some of it in the kiss too.” Ricky laughed. Niki was hypnotized. Helikesboyshelikesboyahelikesboysohfuckohfuckohfuckhelikesboys.

“You like boys.” FUCK. Niki thought too loud. He wanted to vanish from earth as his face became too hot it's overwhelming, making him rock back and forth.

Ricky laughed hard at it. Great! Now he had fucked up with his only friendship! Wait, Jungwon, he still has Jungwon. Jungwon.. How was he doing? “I thought it was obvious, now I'm sad I had to tell you for you to notice.” Ricky pouted.

“No, no! I just.. I'm slow, too slow, I'm sorry I-”

“That's ok, Niki, I know people like you have trouble taking hints, no worries. Just making it clear, alright? I like boys and girls, and everything in between, I'm bi.” He shrugged. ‘People like me?’ Riki thought.

“Sorry.. Well, I'm gay, so we're quite similar, I guess..” Niki smiled. The room went silent. Riki felt a hand touching his own and held Ricky's hand too. Taki. If he closed his eyes, he'd see Taki sitting next to him, with a smile on his face, ready to lean on a kiss. 

“Thank you for helping me, I think I'd have given up in the first week if it wasn't for you.” Ricky almost whispered.

“I think fate brought us together or something.” Riki responded in the same tone. He'd felt his body internally shaking, like his insides were on a blender or something. He hoped he wasn't shaking outside too.

Ricky smiled at his response and kissed his cheek, smiling shyly and getting up, picking his bag. “I have to go now.. Meet you tomorrow?” 

Niki stared at the void of his thoughts and the void stared back. “Meet you tomorrow.” He repeated, sounding almost like a robot. Ricky just giggled and ran. 

What was even happening? Was he falling for Ricky? And why did his thoughts keep leading him to Jungwon? What in the world was happening. He shut his ears with his hands and stomped his feet the loudest he could, sighing deeply and then standing up, shaking his hands, his body, his legs, all he could shake before his body exploded. Regulating himself until he saw everyone leaving the rooms, that was his next class, he was ready for that.

But, still, a question wavered through his thoughts..

What did Ricky meant by ‘People like him’? 

°°°

Jungwon had just finished his homework when he got, again, callings from the sickest thoughts of his mind, he had nothing to preserve at all now so why not? He was alone at home, so he didn’t mind doing that on his own bedroom. He was cleaning his own mess when his phone started ringing nonstop, that was weird. He didn’t mind cleaning his own arms yet, so the blood-stained nails reached for the phone, having a strange surprise. 

YOU were added to the group “the white room xx” 

@ THEICEPRINCE

the hell 

@ ITBOY_JPARK

gayass group name

i bet it was sunoo’s idea

@ KXMSCENEOO

tf

i did nothing

im as confused as you

@ THEO_YANG

hello i guess 

@RIKI_TIKI_NIKI

where am I

@ ITBOY_JPARK

THE HELL IS YOUR NAME RIKI

@RIKI_TIKI_NIKI

dont judge me!

@ HSNG_01

hello yall 

ive decided to create this group 

bc we’re all interacting every week and all

so yeah 

also

im thinking about having a night out at my apt

with all of us if yall agree

@ GALAXYSHIM

wait im late

@ ITBOY_JPARK

congratz daddy

@ GALAXYSHIM

Oh fuck off

Gross

@ ITBOY_JPARK

bro got so mad he typed in caps

@ KXMSCENEOO

has jay been weird today?

day1- yes

@ THEO_YANG

i think the night out is a good idea

@RIKI_TIKI_NIKI

i have to talk to my parents first

@ ITBOY_JPARK

the baby.

They went back to talking, but Jungwon had no time to that, he had to clean his own mess. He took all the toilet paper he could and cleaned until everything was crystal clear. When he finished the floor, it was time to deal with his arms. He ran to his bathroom, taking a quick shower. That stingy feeling of having the warm water running down his arms was strangely good, it made his whole body shiver as he sighed, almost a satisfied moan. They say the harder you relapse, the harder you have to work to go back to recovery, but moments like that would make Yang realize he didn’t want to recover that much, how could he? His body was already ruined, and he liked that feeling so much! How could he let it all behind? 

When he came back to his senses, he was laying down on his bed, already in his work uniform. He almost struggled to pull his cellphone near himself, it felt like Jungwon didn’t existed at all. His senses didn’t felt real, his existence, his touches and thoughts, was he really alive? Or he finally gave up on himself to the dangerous thoughts on the back of his mind? 

His cellphone buzzed, vibrating against his stomach. The sensation reminded him he do was alive. He unlocked his cellphone and checked who was messaging him, that wasn’t something that happened often.

@RIKI_TIKI_NIKI

i know we’re going to met in, like, one hour and a half but

i think you’re my only close friend

i want to talk to you 

can i?

@ THEO_YANG

about what?

what are we going to talk about?

@RIKI_TIKI_NIKI

boys.

@ THEO_YANG

oh wow boys. 

what boy are you on this time?

@RIKI_TIKI_NIKI

there’s this boy

we dance together

his name is ricky

and we spend time together and all and

anyways

i feel strange around him

and he knows i like boys 

i know he likes boys

idk what to do 

its been a while since i felt.. things.

@ THEO_YANG

so you like him

@RIKI_TIKI_NIKI

do i?

@ THEO_YANG

we can talk about him today 

if i see how you look while talking about him maybe i can give you a real answer

@RIKI_TIKI_NIKI

ok!

my mom made chocolate cake

im bringing a few to work 

we can share

@ THEO_YANG

oh please 

i love chocolate cake

“Theo.” Jeongin knocked at the door, opening it a bit. “Mom’s calling, we have to go.” He entered the bedroom, seeing his little brother laying down, almost soulless, and sighing. “Theo?” 

“I’m coming.” He answered, not even moving yet. “What do you want?”

“When will you start your meds?” The older asked and Jungwon rolled his eyes. 

“When both my blood tests and my mental evaluation come back.” He responded, sitting and stretching his body, sighing. “Why?”

“It’s hard seeing my little brother like this, when you have your episodes, you look soulless.” Jungwon rolled his eyes, standing up and grabbing his backpack, tapping Jeongin’s shoulder before leaving to the car, putting his headphones and listening to a random song in loop until they finally arrived. Niki was already there, sitting in the curb. 

“Niki is such a good kid, he’s always the first one to arrive, like, all the times.” Yang’s mom smiled softly as she waved to Niki, who did the same. She parked and Jungwon was the first to jump out, running to Niki and hugging him. Niki understood Jungwon’s tight hugs as a way to quietly admit he wasn’t doing well, so he hugged back as tight as he could. They entered the pizzeria, lighting up the lights and heading to the ‘employers only’ room, where they’ve went turning slowly into their personal space. Jungwon sighed and sat down for a bit on the couch, Niki did the same, sitting next to him and putting one of his legs in Jungwon’s lap. He liked to feel pressure on his body when he was having a bad time, maybe Jungwon was the same! 

“I can move if you want.” Niki whispered. The air suddenly felt heavy, what if he was bothering Jungwon?

“Don’t.” Was all he said. Niki nodded with his head, biting his fingers. It was cute, well, kinda. Niki’s nails were very pretty, but still he had this problem with biting his fingers. Maybe he did it so he won’t ruin his pretty nails. “What about the boy you told me earlier? Tell me about him.” 

“I don’t want to.” Niki whispered. Jungwon turned to him instantly, confused, what the-? “I’m not thinking about Ricky right now, I’m thinking about.. You, the only thing that comes to my mind is you. I want to know how are you doing, you hugged me like you do when you’re not feeling well, I want to help you, as I can… I care about you, Jungwon, I really.” 

Jungwon felt his eyes watering, but he wouldn’t let himself be so vulnerable. He sighed and just smiled, stroking Niki’s hair and messing it all up. He didn’t seem to care that much about that, as he just smiled, softly. “You’re so cute sometimes, Niki, I almost can’t resist to you.” He smiled, moving Niki’s leg and standing up, pulling the youngest to do the same. “Let’s go. Jeongin must’ve been waiting for us to start if I know him well.” Jungwon smiled. Niki followed him still pondering about what the high-schooler has just said; “I almost can’t resist to you” Oh, how Niki wanted him to do so. 

Chapter Text

Jay got so distracted with his own thoughts he forgot he had lightened up his cigarette. He just lightened it and started tapping it to get the ashes off like he was indeed smoking. When he noticed, his bedroom’s window was filled with ashes. The smell made him realize what happened, so he just blew the ashes away. 

His mind was around something that happened days ago, In a night he was by himself, on his own house. He was alone that day, so he decided to do what he always did: Get drunk and drug himself. He never did heavier things, he always relied on the light side of it, he knew he was killing himself with that, but not in that way. He got lost on himself that day, laid down on the cold cement in his backyard and stargazed for a bit, imagining if the star swirls he was seeing was caused by him being high or him being without his contact lenses or glasses. Jay wore glasses for pretty much his whole life, but never in public, even with Ethan. The persona he portrayed was too cool for wearing fucking glasses, it would make him look like a nerd. He stared at the stars for too long, long enough he felt the stars almost calling him. 

He pondered about death. He admired the idea, feeling something on his inside responding that call with a kind of fervour he never felt before. He had stars on his eyes, contemplating death like he never did before. It would be his grand-finale, he lived his life as a full time delinquent, would be a beautiful death to just die on his twenties, right? Die young, be remembered as his best version, be buried in his dark clothes, chains, combat boots, black lipstick and glitter eyeshadow, like the ones he saw in Euphoria. He would never wear this in public, he was too cool for that idiot show, some kind of teenager drama, nobody would believe a guy like him watched that thing. He revisited his memories about Rue, and how he related with his addictions, his mental health, his bipolar.. Oh, he was bipolar, right, and maybe mixing meds with substances wasn’t his better idea, he was just about to find out why. 

A light rain started pouring, he didn’t even moved, it felt as nice as being on the arms of your loved ones. He remembered his mom putting him to sleep when he was little, his brother calming him down when he had a nightmare, slow dancing with Sunoo on their prom, Sunghoon grabbing his waist and kissing him like the world ended and began on his lips. The sky darkened and the rain heavened, now hitting him so hard it stinged, but he didn’t moved, still laying down. The thunders and the lightning announced the clouds were ready to pour more of their rage on him, and he accepted until he couldn’t anymore. It felt each raindrop screamed at him a different deathwish, a different hatred thought, a different pain. He got up quickly, running to his veranda, where he found his cellphone, opening the camera and starting a video. 

“I don’t think I can escape myself anymore, it’s getting too rough, I don’t know how long I can hold on. I-I’m trying, I’m really trying, I keep myself thinking on my family, Ethan, fucking Sunghoon! Because I apparently kissed him once and now I can’t stop thinking about him.. I don’t think I can handle anymore, It’s calling me, I can always hear it, It’s my calling, I have to die while I’m still young, It’s like I have to die right now. I can’t keep this going, I’m not supposed to, I’ve ruined my body and my mind, I don’t have a reason to be alive anymore. It’s like when I was 12 and felt the world would be better without me, that I had to die to save someone, but worse, because now death is what I deserve, want and what’s been waiting me on the next corner, I can’t fight it, I can’t postpone it, I can’t control, I have to do it by myself. But I don’t want, I.. I think I deserve better, but why? I never did a thing to no one. I don’t know, I… I don’t want to do it anymore, and fuck this stupid video.” He threw his phone on the yard, crying what he’s been holding for the whole video. 

When he came back to his senses, he had finished his cigar and his phone’s screen lightened up, it was his psychologist, calling? Well, someone must had told her he has vanished for a week. He didn’t care about his appearance, just positioned his cellphone into his bedroom window’s netting and accepted the videocall. The young woman seemed relieved. 

“Hi, Jay.” He answered with a nod. That’s why she called, it was time for his therapy and he hasn’t showed up for the second week. “How have you been going? I heard no one was able to contact you for a while.” 

“Who said so?” He asked. 

“Your friends, who else?” She answered in a smile. 

“I have one.” He sighed, thinking. “Sorry, I couldn’t show up and..” He sighed, getting his camera off while he started searching for a bit at his cellphone. “I’m sorry, I think I’m depressed for too long, but this shit ain’t my fault, I can’t control that. Anyways, here’s a video about how pathetic it has been.” He sent the video, positioning his cellphone again and getting the camera on. The doctor was silent for a while, watching the video so she could give him a proper response. 

“Were you by yourself?” She asked, cautiously. 

“I still am. Mom’s seeing her family outside Seul and my brother has his life, so.. I’m by myself..” Her expression slightly changed, but it was clear that she was worried. 

“How do you feel right now, Jay?” Another question. 

“Empty, hollow, unworthy, scared, dead.” He spat like he waited his whole life to declare so. 

“Scared of dead, I presume?” An affirmation disguised by a question. 

“Scared of myself.” He answered, she seemed curious about it. “I don’t leave my house since last saturday, I’m too scared to do so. I’m pretty sure I’ll kill myself if I leave it, I can’t trust myself.. I could invite Ethan to go out with me or stay with him, but I don’t fell like pulling him down, stagnating his life because of me, he deserves better, I hope his thing with Jake goes well, he deserves better and Jake is like a sunshine ball.” 

“I think, for you, it’s better to keep in touch with somebody else. It’s more dangerous to you if you’re alone, Jay.” She pointed, he didn’t even looked to her. “Are you still taking your meds, right?”

“Yes, I’m not that dumb, not yet. I’d probably be dead by now without my meds” He confessed, shrugging. 

“Thanks heavens you’re a smart boy.” She laughed, softly. He’ve heard that laugh a thousand times before, but from girls wanting to kiss him. His shrink wasn’t one of them, but she had the same tone. Well, on his mind. “I have to be honest with you, so I’ll try to keep it quick and clean, alright?” Jay mumbled an “Ok” back to her. “Jay, you’re going through an manic-depressed phase, it’s a bit worse than the regular ups and downs from your bipolar. Normally, I’d put you in suicide watch” His gaze widened, ready to contest. “but I’ll give you and option, alright? You can choose someone, anyone you trust, and I can help you call them and you spend a time with them, alright? Just time enough for you to get yourself better enough to go out.” 

He was silent, with his brains frying about the idea to bother someone else just because he didn’t know how to stay alive. He pondered about calling Heeseung, but he seemed so strangely happy about Jake for a few days.. He sighed thinking about his brother, there’s no way in hell he would talk to him, that was too personal. The doctor said something when Jay was still thinking about how personal it was to him, and how almost nobody knew how bad he was. 

Almost nobody. 

“Call Sunghoon.” He demanded. 

“I’m sorry, what?” She asked, seemingly in disbelief. 

“I want Sunghoon’s help.” He confessed. Why his face felt hotter? No. Don’t say he’s blushing- There’s no way- Shit, that was pathetic.

By the giggle his therapist let out, it was certain she noticed what was going on. “Do you want to tell me something before, Jay?” 

“I saw him on my favourite ice cream place, we spent some time together, he grabbed my waist and kissed me and I felt like a teenager girl kicking her feet looking at her crush’s photos. I need to get into more details?” He wanted to be buried alive after saying that. ‘None of this words are in the bible.’ He thought. 

“Oh, so there’s a something going on there?” She asked, smiling. 

“Ask him.” Was all he said, she just laughed.

“Can you call him or do you want me to do so?” 

“I promise to do it the next time, but.. I don’t think I can do this this time, can you help me? Is it too much?” He whispered. He seemed afraid. 

“I can make this exception for you, Jay, I’ll talk to his doctor when we hang up, ok?” 

“Thank you.” He whispered, somehow relieved. 

°°° 

Jake stared the ceiling trying to organize his thoughts. He wasn’t the one to really have curse words in his vocabulary, but Holy Fuck. Nolan just got his best friend pregnant, Azriel made out with Heeseung and enjoyed it, Dahlia was just going crazy.. What the hell? He wanted to lock himself on his headspace’s bedroom and don’t leave for the next 7 months, what was he supposed to do? He didn’t had a job, wasn’t graduating, he honestly could feel his stomach going upside down everytime he thought about everything that was happening for the last weeks. Including he himself losing his handles about the crush he had on Sunoo. 

Sunoo. 

All came back to Sunoo. 

He wanted to live his own choices, make idiot choices like the others did. Not about getting someone pregnant or kissing his pseudo-enemies, it was too much for him, but confessing what he’s been hiding for God knows how long? That was his most idiot choice he could do at the moment. And sometimes being dumb on purpose seems to be a good choice.

The former model stood up, shaking his hands and taking deep breaths, spinning and rocking himself side to side for a bit until he finally reached for his cellphone, texting Sunoo.

@ GALAXYSHIM

Sunoo? 

It’s Jake 

We have an orange code. 

@ KXMSCENEOO

what 

i just got home from island

was it your father?

do i need to get my knives?

@ GALAXYSHIM

No. 

I just need to talk to someone. 

I know we just had therapy but

There’s too much going on with us and I kinda need you to know it.

@ KXMSCENEOO

me .

give me 10 minutes and ill be there

@ GALAXYSHIM

Silly.

Thank you

As promised, it didn’t took too much for Sunoo to get there. Jake got him inside and hugged him tightly as soon as they were safe inside. “Hello there..” 

“What’s going on, hm? It looks like your mind has been torturing you.” Sunoo whispered as he run his fingers through Jake’s hair, kissing there. 

“Can I sit on your lap as we talk?” They whispered. 

“Of course, love. If you feel like it, let’s do it.” He kissed his temple, guiding them to the couch and watching as they comfortably sat on his lap. “Comfortable? Can I touch you?” 

“Please.” They almost begged, Sunoo couldn’t resist to pull them closer, stroking their thighs with his thumbs. “What’s going on?”

“Do you remember Astra? Sophie, Lunette, Mikael..” Shim whispered, laying their head on Sunoo’s shoulder. 

“Yes, of course, why?” He whispered in the same tone, now using one of his hands to stroke their hair. 

“Nolan..” They sighed. “Nolan and Lunette had a thing and.. Now she’s pregnant, probably his child. They’re about five and six months now, I guess.. And we found out recently because he used our amnesia on his side, just because he suffer with it the most.” 

“Holy fuck.” Sunoo responded, shocked. “I don’t know what to.. Congratudolences? I can’t imagine being.. Oh fuck.” He sighed. 

“I don’t know what to do.” Jake sighed. 

“You don’t have to, it’s Nolan’s fault.” He responded. 

“System responsibility is a thing, you know? Considering your actions can impact the whole system is great and I like it, but some people probably don’t. And I hope Nolan is hearing this.” They rolled his eyes. Sunoo giggled in response. “Anyways, that’s not everything, you know? Azriel has been hanging out with-”

Oh. 

Right. 

Heeseung.

The Heeseung. 

The one that almost killed Sunoo. 

Right…

Well, fuck. 

“With who?” Sunoo asked. 

“Please, pinky promise, don’t get mad at me.” They begged. 

“What? Why? Azriel did it, why would I get mad?” Sunoo was confused, that was too sudden. 

“Azriel has been hanging out with Heeseung, and they made out, a lot, I think my neck is still bruised, I’m sorry. Really sorry-” 

“Holy fuck.” Sunoo laughed in disbelief. “That’s too much lore, how do you- Well, good for him... So, everyone is now dating or else, I guess?” He gave them a squared smile. 

“Not me.” They mumbled. 

“You’ll find someone, love, there’s a world of people out there.” He smiled, stroking their hair. 

“I have someone in mind, but I don’t think he will feel the same, and I really wanted him to feel the same.” Their sighed, picking on they own fingers. 

“Can I help you? To talk with them, to-”

“It’s you.”

“What?” 

“It’s you, I like you, I’ve been feeling it since the fifth month after we met. You make my heart race and I feel like my world stops around you, I never got to say it to anyone, you’re the first one, I think you’re the only one that really needs to know.” 

Sunoo felt like he was going to faint. 

His best friend? In love with him? There’s no way- How could they- He doesn’t even- 

“Why?” Was all he could thought. 

“I don’t know, It’s like… I think is pretty obvious but I can’t explain at all, it’s weird, I can’t put feelings into words, I’m sorry, It’s difficult for me!” He responded, panicking, with his breathing getting quicker and starting to flap his hands. 

“That’s alright, love, that’s ok, don’t panic.” Sunoo hugged him, kissing his temple. “Listen, alright? I can’t give you the response I want to give right now because I don’t trust myself enough for it now, I’m in an episode, a hypomanic episode, and everything I do right now isn’t trustworthy at all. We’ll talk again as soon as I get out of it, alright?” He kissed both of their cheeks, smiling. 

“That’s why you just vanished.” They whispered. “Are you alright now?”

“I’m better, I’m taking my meds again, soon I’ll be stable again.” He smiled, faintly. “Holy shit, and Sunghoon always said to me that you had this kind of heart eyes towards me but I never really noticed, well, I just noticed the times Thom stared at Sunghoon like he was his whole world, but-” 

“You never noticed because It was about yourself. When was the last time someone got really in love with you, Love?” Jake whispered and Sunoo seemed angry for about two split seconds before softening his gaze again, his ears on bursting red hearing him calling “Love” so softly. 

“You have to be joking. You’re the last person I thought of having this conversation..” Sunoo giggled in disbelief, running his hands through his hair. “The way you call me love is just so… Warm.”

“You like it.” Jake affirmed, giving himself permission to grab Sunoo’s waist, pulling him closer. 

“I know.” Sunoo gave him a faint smile, almost having trouble to believe this was really happening. “I explained you I’m still recovering, you know that, right? So.. If I kiss you, will you.. Think this is genuine? Not a manic-drived thing-”

Sunoo couldn’t even finish his phrase before Jake leaned into a kiss. It felt soft to taste the same lips that called him a so warmly ‘Love’ minutes before, soft as he never tasted or imagined before. It felt entirely so Jake-like he almost felt like giggling middle kiss. Thinking about this was just so unpredictably-predictable, it was almost funny.

Sunoo waited until Jake seemed secure and pulled him closer, kissing him now with his tongue. Jake pushed him apart rapidly, uncomfortable, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. He noticed what he was doing and stared at Sunoo, blushing in awkwardness. “No tongue, it feels.. Weird. It’s so wet and it moves and..” Sunoo laughed at his disgusted expression, smooching his lips softly. 

“No tongue, ok.” He nodded, cupping Jake’s face in his hands, stroking his cheeks softly. “Are you comfortable? Need anything else?”

He denied, resting their head on Sunoo's shoulder while Kim went on checking his phone. He had been texting Sunghoon since he left home, but got nothing on response. He was worried, the doctors asked Park to stay after the meeting, knowing what was happening with Sunghoon, he was afraid of what would happen to him. Something on his mind wanted him to believe Sunghoon just ditched their friendship, but he knew that wasn’t real. After years he was trained to scape his own mind games. 

“You right, Love?” Jake whispered, stroking Sunoo’s hair so softly he almost melted. “Can I kiss you again?”

Sunoo smiled, smooching him again. “You don’t need to ask, just do it, I like it as much as you, alright?” 

“Alright.” He smiled. “So.. Excuse me.” He leant for a kiss and Sunoo smiled during it, pulling Shim closer. 

°°°

Sunghoon arrived so fast Jay thought he came flying or something. Jay opened the door, hiding behind it and closing the door when Sunghoon was already inside. He looked even worse than the last time they met each other, Jay was paler, his eyebags seemed like the only coloured spot in his whole face, aside his dark eyes. Sunghoon tried not to show the huge concern he felt, hiding it behind a friendly smile. Jay forced himself to smile, almost like a straight line.

“You-”

“A kiss.” Jay interrupted. His voice cracked. “I want a kiss. Please. ” Something burnt inside Sunghoon hearing Jay begging for him. Maybe he just discovered something very interesting. 

The ex figure-skater pulled him closer, grabbing his waist and kissing him gently. Jay would follow him in the same intensity, stroking the hair on the back of his head carefully. The troublemaker tried to dive deeper, but Sunghoon broke the kiss before he went on with his idea. Jay wasn't so happy about that. 

“Now I can ask what happened?” Stupid, beautiful Sunghoon.

“No.” Sunghoon frowned. “I’m so depressed that I don't think it's good for me to be left alone, that's why you're here.” "Why saying no if you're telling me anyways?" 

“Oh.. Thank you for, like, trusting me enough to call me here? And for being this brave to call for he-”

“Cut it.” The troublemaker rolled his eyes, grabbing his green apple cider flavoured vape, taking a drag. “How was the session today?”

“Oh? Good, good. We had individual meetings to check on some goals, it was kinda depressing for me, not gonna lie. At least Jake and Niki achieved some of their goals, they seemed very happy about it, for me, Heeseung, Sunoo and Jungwon.. Well.. None of us was half like them.”

“Sorry for hearing this, I guess.” He shrugged. “Do you know Heeseung and Jake are screwing each other?”

Sunghoon’s chin fell in disbelief. What in the world? It couldn't be a lie. Not in any circumstance Jay would come up with that phrase. “What the actual fuck?”

“Found out a few days ago, I didn't react because it's not like I was really feeling a thing, but after some time trying to get it on my head, I noticed that it was just crazy.” The Troublemaker took another drag.

“I'm pretty sure this isn't Jake. He wouldn't do it, especially knowing Heeseung almost… Well, you know.” Sunghoon sighed.

“Oh, yeah, of course. I forgot that Jake is like, at least thirty people in one body, right?”

“I think they're closer to fifteen than thirty, Jay.” Sunghoon nodded negatively with his head. Jay just smirked at him. The Ex Figure Skater felt a small spark of Joy seeing his ‘smile’ again.

“Whatever, Bows.” The spark in Sunghoon’s eyes just died as he flipped Jay off. He laughed and shrugged, giving his back to Sunghoon and taking another drag. “I'll take a bath and we will go to the nearest convenience store or whatever, I have nothing to eat, I'm starving and we are going to eat.”

“Starving?” He asked in a faint tone, following him to what he believed was his bedroom.

“Yeah, I was, like, at least 3 days barely existing. I just had water because Heeseung has this habit of buying me gallons of water so I can keep myself alive when I feel like shit.” The cadence in his voice got slower and slower since seven words in, noticing the mistake he just made. “If you're comparing us- If you try to compete with me, I'm gonna punch you. I'm not even kidding.”

Sunghoon got caught in his own trap. “You can't-”

“ ‘You can't’ The fuck I can't! We're both men, I can beat the shit out of you if you keep pissing me off!” Jay warned and Sunghoon took a step back. “Come with me, you're going to talk to me while I'm bathing. Heeseung does it to me when I'm like this, it kinda helps me.” He took what he needed and guided him to the bathroom. “Are you going to watch me or turn your back?”

Sunghoon never blushed so hard in his whole life. “Back, what a disgust to see you naked.”

“Oh, darling, you will. At some point, you will.” He gave him a mischievous smirk and Sunghoon just turned his back and crossed his arms, hearing the devilish laugh behind it. “I'm sorry for almost comparing us, it was.. Automatic, I guess. I do this all the time, with everyone.”

“That's why you're sick.” Jay turned the shower on. “I’ve been with people like you. I know how.. Sick, you guys can get.. It's creepy, and dangerous, and I'm kind of afraid when you're at your lowest, but I think I'm used to dealing with it now.. It's just like when people have to deal with my alcohol problem- Fuck, I have nothing to drink here.”

“Can we decide not to drink when we're together? I can deal with smoking with you, but I prefer who you are sober, Jay.” He sighed, biting his nails. Not enough to ruin them, just to take the nail polish off. “Do you.. Really find me attractive? Like, you said I will see you naked some time and-” His cheeks burned again hearing Jay's laugh.

“I find you attractive since we're fifteen I guess.. And even more since the day you kissed me. I think if I wasn't depressed, I'd invited you to shower together, just so I could-”

“Stop.” Sunghoon demanded. Jay went silent. “You're not feeling things , but I am.” He whispered. It took a while for the Troublemaker to react.

“Holy fuck I made you horny?”

“Shut the fuck up Jay! Oh my god.” He cried, shoving his face on his palms. That was the hardest Jay laughed in a week. 

“Do you want to shower together? We can work it out..”

“No, thank you. Try another time.” He added in a whisper and Jay nodded, even when Sunghoon wasn't looking. 

They stood in a strange silence until Jay got out of the shower. He felt like a big weight was taken off his shoulders, how long has it been since the last time he felt this clean? No dirty, no sweat, no bites, nothing. It was almost perfect until he decided to stare at his arms, yeah, of course… And there was that terrible urge to just crawl back into his bed and rot here again. He pondered to just leave this as it is, but that didn’t seem like the best thing to do when you decided to stare carefully at it. It looked like he had only one option left. 

“Bows.” The troublemaker called and Sunghoon crossed his arms in denial. “Look at me.”

“Are you naked? If you’re naked, I’m leaving.” 

“Can you just look at me?” Jay asked, sighing. Sunghoon turned to him, immediately blushing again seeing Jay still wet from the bath, with his towel wrapped around his hips. “Can you help me?” Jay whispered, showing his arms to Sunghoon. The Ex Figure Skater felt his body froze for a moment, how could he never notice that? 

“Do you have any band-aids? Maybe gauze? Antiseptic?” Jay took a little box from the cabinet under the sink, putting it on the sink itself and stretching both arms to Sunghoon, who just took what he needed to help him and started cleaning the wounds before he put the bandages on. “If any of this gets infected, I’m taking you to the hospital.”

“No need. If it gets infected, I’ll just get a really bad scar, but I already have some, right?” He laughed with no humor at all. “Sorry for asking you to deal with that or else.” 

“No need to. I did it a few times to Sunoo, since school, I can deal with this.” He shrugged. 

“Do you remember that time when Sunoo got caught cutting himself at the school’s bathroom? I remember going to school using armbands for weeks to hide myself just because I was afraid people would notice my arms and relate me to him..” 

“The first half really caught me… ‘That time Sunoo got caught..’ which one of the countless times, Honey?” Jay laughed. Sunghoon couldn’t help but smile hearing his laugh.

“Honey.” He repeated, whispering. The words felt so soft on his mouth, almost like it could melt on his tongue. “Call me again.”

“Honey?” Sunghoon’s smile grew slightly wider. “Babe?” 

“Again.” The troublemaker demanded, keeping the same soft tone.

“Love?” Sunghoon tried, almost giggling. 

“Kiss me.” Jay demanded and Sunghoon leaned forward, keeping one hand on his cuts and other on his waist, pulling him closer and kissing him like he missed it for decades. Jay pulled him closer by putting his hands around his shoulders, making the contact deeper and deeper. Deep enough he started whimpering when Sunghoon ran his nails on his waist, marking it here. Too much contact and the Ex Figure Skater hadn’t finish yet. With so much sorrow, he pulled Jay apart, kissing his neck softly in response to his unsatisfied groan. 

“Let me finish it first, ok?” Sunghoon reminded, getting back to the bandages and taking care of that quickly. 

“Thank you.” Jay thanked, leading to his bedroom to get dressed, Sunghoon followed him, turning his back again and facing a corner in the room. Jay smiled tenderly, Sunghoon was cute without even trying. He didn’t think about his outfit that much, just wearing what felt most comfortable to him. He made up his bed, knowing they would mess everything up either pillow fighting or tongue-fighting, throwing himself on the bed and whistling to get Sunghoon’s attention. “Bows, come here.” 

“I’ll start to charge you every time you call me Bows.” The Ex Figure Skater rolled his eyes, sitting down next to Jay. “Hold my shirt, I’m taking my binder off.” 

“Alright.” He mumbled, sitting again and holding his shirt up while he unbuttoned? Unhooked? His chest binder. And that was the moment Jay remembered he was nothing more than a man. Sunghoon noticed his gaze going down rapidly when he took it off, staring at the ceiling at the very next second. The Ex Figure Skater scoffed. “Can I-”

“Do it and I punch you.” He threw his binder away, laying down and pulling him to do so. “What did you say? Oh, yeah, ‘One day, you will.’” Sunghoon smirked, stroking Jay’s hair as he did the same at his abdomen. 

“Not fair.” Jongseong mumbled, stroking amid his ribs, tracing it with his finger until he reached his waist, hugging there. “Bows?” 

Sunghoon sighed. “What now?”

Jay hesitated, holding back his laugh before he even said a thing. “Nice tits.” 

“Oh- Fuck off, Park Jongseong!” He punched his arm, rolling his eyes as Jongseong almost bursted laughing. Sunghoon smiled softly, not annoyed at all, trying not to overthink the fact that Jongseong’s laugh gave him butterflies.

"Holy shit, I'm hungry- Fuck, we were supposed to go to the convenience stor, weren't we?" Jay laughed in disbelief. 

"No worries, Darling, I can order us something." Sunghoon shrugged. 

Chapter Text

“the white room xx” 

@ ITBOY_JPARK

“lets have a nightout” said ethan

and then never showed up again.

i think it will be more like

when? find out

where? guess 

time? feel

@ KXMSCENEOO

“time? feel” i cant breathe

but yeah, totally

@ THEICEPRINCE

i think he’s too comfortable with jay 

@ ITBOY_JPARK

fym

@ THEICEPRINCE

he can call you whenever he wants and you’ll go

@ ITBOY_JPARK

totally not.

@ HSNG_01

fuck i forgot

sorry i was talking to niki

what if we do it today?

@ KXMSCENEOO

EXCUSE ME?

@ GALAXYSHIM

What?

@ THEO_YANG

i’m in.

@ THEICEPRINCE

well.. why not?

im in.

@ ITBOY_JPARK

how could i say no?

totally in. 

@ THEO_YANG

what about niki?

i think he is our biggest problem

@ HSNG_01

i’ve been talking to him since? tuesday? wednesday?

because of his parents 

and we got everything right except for a thing

we had to lie to them and say it was the birthday of a friend of his

a >girl< friend.

if we tell them that he will be amongst 6 boys 

he’s so doomed.

@ ITBOY_JPARK

so we will find a girl, right…

we can turn sunoo into a girl

he’s already half of it, right?

or he look like so..

or we can borrow a girl from jake’s personalities?

@ KXMSCENEOO

ratio

@ HSNG_01

not a good take..

like…

not at all…

anyways

someone find me a girl

i can deal with the rest of it

@ THEO_YANG

my brother has 2 partners

one of them is genderfluid

i can try to help him

and he knows niki..

@ ITBOY_JPARK

your brother what? 

@ KXMSCENEOO

does anyone has a normal family here?

@ ITBOY_JPARK

why do you think we met in a therapy group?

The conversation went on, but Sunghoon had read enough, he already knew what was supposed to happen, right? Go to Heeseung’s house. Of course, some informations were missing like where was it or the hour they were supposed to meet, but he knew he could catch up with that after he got himself ready. His phone vibrated before he even could put it down: It was Jake calling. He picked the call up, hearing someone crying? Heavy breathing near the phone while people in the back tried to calm him down. Something was very wrong.

“Hey buddy, what happened?” Sunghoon asked. It was easy to spot how worried he was. 

“Why are you asking me what happened? Heeseung happened! I fucking hate him!” Sunghoon’s eyes widened as they screamed, that wasn’t an usual thing for The Galaxy to say, only Nolan, but they didn’t sound like Nolan at that moment.

“What did he do to you? I can talk to him, there’s no problem. Where are you? Do you want me to come over and help you? I can do so, I promised to always care for you, you remember that, right?”

“Jake, I can help you if you need, alright?” Someone said from the other side of the call. Right, thanks god they weren’t alone. Now, wait, Jake? Has Jake cursed any other time in their whole friendship-time? Was that the first time? “You just need to ask.” The same person asked and he could hear Jake whispering ‘Please’. The person took over the cellphone. “Hi, Sunoo, right?”

“Sunghoon. Is Jake ok? What happened?” He asked, worried. 

“Sorry for getting your name wrong, Darling.. So, we don’t know either- Jake, Jake, look at me, alright? Don’t panic, you just dropped a bit of water on the bed, don’t panic, it’s alright, totally right, just.. Try to drink some water, it doesn't matter if you drop it or not, that’s ok.” They lost their focus on something Jake did, clearing their throat and getting back to Sunghoon. “As I said, we don’t know either, we had a movie night yesterday and he’s still here for the day, and suddenly he had a meltdown over this Heeseung guy?”

“It’s a friend- colleague of ours.” He explained, sighing. “Is he better now?” 

“He’s asking if you’re alright, Sweetheart, do you want to talk to him? Do you want me to answer?” Jake mumbled something and the cellphone went back to its owner. 

“Jake? Better?” Sunghoon asked. 

“No.” Jake responded, his straight-to-the-point-self as always. “I’m just.. Why couldn’t Heeseung just be normal and warn people before he does something? I know it could be worse if we found out today that the event existed, instead of that it will happen today, but- But it could be better if he warned us, like, four days before, technically he did it, but not right! Why can’t he ever do something right? I’m calling him, that’s it, I’m calling Heeseung.” He hanged the phone. Sunghoon was even more confused than before.

Heeseung was reflecting his whole life mid-shower when his cellphone rang, interrupting his thoughts. He got it from the sink and noticed it was Azriel calling, a smirk grew wide on his lips before answering the call.

“Hello, sweetheart.” Heeseung smiled, even thought Azriel couldn’t see that.

“Screw you and your sweetheart!” They said angrily. Heeseung had never heard it before. “Why don’t you do it another day? So I can prepare myself better to deal with your shit?” 

“Alright, who am I talking to?” Was all he could answer.

“Jake.” They responded. 

“The fuck I am.” Heeseung laughed. 

“What does it even mean?” He asked, muffling a scream with something, maybe his hand or a pillow before falling into a heavy cry, Heeseung could recognise it as a panic attack or something close to. Ok, it was more serious than he thought. 

“Alright, sorry, look, Jake, calm down, alright? We can talk, I’m here, I’m listening.” He reassured, sighing. His acts went heavy on his back, it wasn’t the right time to joke with him. “I'm sorry, I thought Niki was the only one who had problems to solve before the thing happened. It was my mistake not to check on you, I'm deeply sorry. I think I got too comfortable with doing things like this with Jay that I forgot that only Jay works like this.” 

“Don't ever do this again, please. We need time to get used to the idea of dealing with people and socialising and-” They took a deep breath, trying to organise their thoughts. “Seriously, don't do it.”

“Can I ask you a question?” Heeseung asked, getting the call on speakers and getting ready to finish his bath.

“Sure.” Jake mumbled, still sobbing.

“Don't say I told you this, ok? But.. Are you, perhaps, by any chance, autistic? Don't hang it! Don't hang it! It's just because I got closer to Niki these days and he told me he is getting evaluated for that because his school asked, and since he got assigned for our group I think of him as a Mini-You, because all your mannerisms are so peculiar but similar with one another… You're both like a mirror, it's funny.” Jake knew that Heeseung had no shame in anything, but that question was surely… Something.

“Both my little brothers are getting evaluated for it, if it's something.. I'm with my friends, like, Astra and their partners, and all of them always told me that I should investigate that because there's no way in Hell and Heaven I'm not. I kinda agree with them, I just.. I think I'm too shy to say something to anyone, or I'm.. Ashamed, who cares, anyway?” His tone was getting lower and lower.

“I care.” Heeseung answered, getting out of the shower. “I'll watch my actions and try not to trigger you into a shutdown- meltdown- whatever-down, ok?” He heard Jake laughing and smiled back. 

“Deal then.” Was all he said. “I'm coming, alright? I just need more time to get myself ready and to regulate myself a bit, so it may take longer, but I will come.” Heeseung cheered with that and Jake just laughed.

“I'll be waiting for you, Cuties.” He sent kisses, ending the call.

Heeseung already had his clothes separated, so he got ready faster than he expected. Should he put on some makeup? He thought, deciding to do so and sitting next to the bedroom's mirror. He wasn't the best doing that, but Jay has taught them the basics.

He realised that it had been a good moment since the last time he and Jay spoke properly to each other. That wasn't usual between them. He pulled his cellphone called Jay's number twice before he finally picked it up.

“Ethan.” Jay greeted. Not only did he picked it up but he sounded sober?! Ethan used to pray for times like these! 

“I'm sorry for not calling you, not showing up at your house, I just got so much going on and-”

“Are you alright? No need to be sorry, you weren't born attached to me.” Jay laughed it off. 

“I'm alright, I just.. Missed you, I guess.” Kim confessed, feeling the blood rushing to his cheeks. 

“Now that's the moment you cut the cute shit and start telling me how hard you are and we can start fucking through the phone”  

“God forbid a boy like his best friend, Jay Park!” He couldn't help but laugh, especially when Jay laughed hardly at his own words.

Then, both fell in silence.

It was a strange mood, nothing like they were used to. They definitely had something going on there. 

And, at least for Heeseung, it was clear what was happening without Jay knowing about.

“I'm seeing someone.” Their voices overlapped. Now.. What?

“There's no way in hell..” Jay sighed, hearing Heeseung’s laugh. 

“Who?” Again. Heeseung almost screamed laughing. 

“Can you stop doing it? It's creepy!” Jay held back his laugh, while Heeseung was probably crying from laughter. “Do you want to tell me first?”

“I want to say it at the same time again.” Heeseung declared, still laughing.

“Oh fuck me then.” Jay rolled his eyes and Heeseung just knew he did so, even without looking at his face. “I count to three, we say the name and pray for both of us to know who we are talking about.”

“Sure.. But what if it's the same person?” 

“Then I will be happy grinding on his lap and kissing him at the same time- Oops, who said that?” Again, Heeseung couldn't help but laugh. “On three. One, two, three: Park Sunghoon.”

“The Galaxy.” Heeseung said at the same time..

“What?!” They screamed. Heeseung had no breath left for laughing, but he still did it anyway.

“Can we stop doing it? I don't even do it with my brother and we're twins! Twins! It's creepy!” Jay took a deep breath, trying to organise his thoughts. “Jake? Really? From all the people you know, from all the boys at the group..”

“It’s not even Jake, well, we know Jake, but it's not him. It’s Azriel, he’s cute.” He heard Jay holding a laugh back. “What?”

“What is the whole thing about his personalities again?” The way he questioned was almost ironic, Heeseung bit his lip in response. 

“It’s not personalities, its like… Having multiple people in your head, you share your body with other people, like.. You know Jake, right? He likes to make himself unnoticeable, he acts shyly, always behind Sunoo and Sunghoon, can you see it, Jay?”

“Go on, I’m listening.” Was all he said, smiling to himself to notice how interested Heeseung sounded. 

“Right.. Azriel is more.. Outgoing, he likes skating, he speaks louder, he has attitude, a real strong personality, not in the way people use to describe when someone has no manners at all, he is just so authentic and-”

“So you two fucked?” Heeseung coughed, choking on Jay’s words, probably.

“Sometimes I wonder whats going on inside your head.” He sighed, having the brilliant idea of returning Jay’s questions. “You said it so naturally, was it what you and Sunghoon are into?” 

“Fuck off.” Was all he said, so serious Heeseung couldn’t resist but laugh. 

“I thought you two were just a one-in-a-lifetime thing, but it sounds like you two kept meeting eachother..” Heeseung was proud of his best friend, he just wouldn’t make it obvious. 

“We aren’t even close to dating, alright? I very well still want to grind on your lap while you kiss me.” 

“That’s the Jay I know!” Heeseung stood up, organizing his makeup and putting it back on his wardrobe. “I’m gonna get Jungwon and Niki, do you want me to pick you up too?”

“Pick me up first, there’s things I want to do alone with you, if your boyfie allows me..” He said, full of sarcasm on his tone. 

“We aren’t partners, and I also miss you.” The Rich Kid said, almost mumbling, getting the call on the cellphone’s speakers and going to the chat while they talked. 

“the white room xx”

@ HSNG_01

does anyone here has a partner? 

like, i dont think yall are dating..

we’re kinda losers yk

@RIKI_TIKI_NIKI

i’m single

@ THEO_YANG

me2 

@ ITBOY_JPARK

same

@ THEICEPRINCE

same.

@ KXMSCENEOO

we wouldn’t consider it dating..

@ HSNG_01

so you’re single. 

anyways

pretend you don’t belong to somebody, we deal with this later.

get yourself a free night tonight, do whatever you please to.

“That’s certainly a way to say you want to kiss everybody in the group today…” Jay scoffed. Kim heard the crack of a can from the other side.

“Don’t drink to much, we’re supposed to get trashed together.” He warned, searching for his documents and his car’s keys. “And fuck off about the ‘Kiss everybody’ part. I wouldn’t take Niki, he’s too.. Young, too innocent. But I’m neutral about Jungwon, I think I don’t know him yet.”

“Jungwon is a 100% ‘would’ for me, maybe tonight?” Heeseung could visualize Jay’s smile from his tone. 

“I’ll be rooting for you.” Was all Kim said, turning the car on and getting on his way. “Wait for me where I can see you, alright.”

“I’m sitting in the curb, you will see me.” The Troublemaker affirmed and Heeseung took it as his true, driving in silence.

He drove peacefully to Jay’s house, meeting him exactly as he said: Sitting in the curb, smoking. He drove until he got very close, touching Jay with the car and honking at him, laughing. Jay gave him his middle finger before entering the car, throwing what had left of his cigar on the street. 

“I was wondering if you’d really run me over like you did to Sunoo..” Jay smirked, leaning into the door. Heeseung didn’t even tried to react to that. “How’re you doing?”

“I would be better without that comment.” Ethan laughed nervously. taking off his seatbelt and pushing his seat back, looking at Jay, then at his own lap, then at Jay again. Jay just laughed. “Oh c’mon…”

“If you really need me that much…” He kept his smirk on, sitting on his lap and making himself comfortable, stroking Ethan’s cheek, trying to distract him from the fact that he was slowly grinding on his lap, but how could Ethan not notice that? He put his finger in Jay’s choker’s ring, pulling him closer as they kissed. His other hand went straight to his waist, touching him under his shirt, hearing satisfaction sounds coming from Jay, muffled from the kiss. 

Ethan pushed him apart, kissing his neck and below, grabbing the hair on the back of Jay’s head and pulling it a little, Jay was almost melting on his arms. As Jay started feeling Heeseung getting harder under himself, he went for the boy's blouse, unbuttoning it, leaving claw marks all over his torso. Ethan had lost himself in Jay and there was no way back, well, at least until he heard Jay unzipping both pants..

“Jay, listen, I can't get late to pick up the boys, really, Niki spent a week explaining to me how harsh his dad is and-”

“I asked you nothing.” Jay responded, ignoring all he just said. 

“Jay, please.” He grabbed his wrists, drawing his attention to himself and only himself. “We're picking the kids up, it would be terrible if the car smells like sex.” 

“Do I look like I care?” His mood just dropped, staring back at Heeseung, no humor at all. 

“I promise, I'm all yours the moment the boys got home, ok?” The rich kid gave him a peck, waiting until he moved to his seat again, kissing his cheek before buttoning his shirt up again and starting the car. “Can you call Jungwon for me?”

“I’m jumping to the backseat when we get him, I hope you're aware.” Jay got a lollipop from his pocket, licking once, staring at Ethan, whom stared back. Jay laughed at him and shoved the lollipop on his mouth. Ethan had some serious hatred about energy drink-flavoured lollipops, but it was Jay, so he could bear it. Jay called Jungwon’s number, turning the speaker mode and waiting until he finally got it. 

“We’re waiting for you, are you coming?” Jungwon asked. 

“Me and Jay are on the way, I’m trying to go faster, I’m afraid of, you know, Niki’s parents..” Ethan tried to laugh his worries off. It was no use. 

“I’m kind of afraid of them too, I won’t judge you.” Jungwon softly laughed. 

“Hello, Theo.” Jay greeted, getting closer to the cellphone. 

“Who goes there?- Oh, Jay. Hi Jay! How are you doing?” Jungwon was unnecessarily polite, in Jay’s words.

“Better now, cutie.” Jay smiled, and somehow you could almost touch his smile only by his tone. “I heard we’re riding with us to Niki’s house, right?”

“Hm, yeah? My and my brother’s partner. They’re going to help us with pretending that Niki is straight.” He explained. Jay broke down laughing.

“Oh, good luck on that.. Wait, I see you in the street!” He turned the call off as Ethan parked. He pulled him closer to a last kiss before getting out of the car, getting Jungwon on the backseat and the other one in the front. 

“Jay, can you text Niki?” Ethan asked, igniting the car again. 

“As you wish.” Park answered, laying down on Jungwon’s lap. The boy freezed under him. “What?”

“I wasn’t expecting, just that.” Yang smiled, shyly, risking himself and starting stroking Jay’s hair. The Troublemaker stared at him for a bit in response, tilting his head to Jungwon’s hand in response, exactly like a cat would do. It was cute. “You look like a cat sometimes.”

“Said Mr. Meow Meowson. You are literally like those fluffy cats with gigantic curious eyes you see on Instagram.” Jay smirked, putting the phone down. “Niki said he’s waiting, Ethan. And he asked you to be polite, like, apparently if you don’t look polite his dad don’t “approve” you..”

“This boy must live in a prison cause god the things you say about him.. It looks like he’s a prisoner or something.” Min complained, rolling their eyes. 

“Conservative parents, baby.” Jay responded, almost falling asleep to Jungwon’s touches. 

“Yeah, I know, but I think that’s too much.” They applied some lipgloss, reminding Jay to do the same with his black lipstick. Min tried their best to look more feminine, putting on a lace and wearing a beautiful dress. 

It didn’t take that long for them to get to the Nishimura’s house. They parked a little far from the actual house, Ethan prayed mentally before leaving the car, hoping everything goes right. 

It left only Jungwon and Jay at the car, growing an awkward silence between them. 

“Theo?” Jay called, staring at him. 

Jungwon was already blushing. ‘God please if you still exists help me not get tricked by Jay Park or I swear by your name I’m killing myself tomorrow.’ “Jay.” Was all he could answer while holding back the urge to scream and run the fastest he could. 

“Why won’t you look at me?” He mumbled, grabbing Jungwon’s cheeks and making him look back to him. “You’re nervous.”

“How can I not be? You’re staring at me like that, like the way you did at the clinic, that time when you called me-”

“Rabbit.” Jay reminded, smiling softly. “I think you’re more like a kitty now..” He shrugged, pulling Jungwon closer. “Are they coming?”

Theo checked outside. “T-They are still talking I-I guess.” ‘Fuck.’ He thought. The fact he stuttered everytime he got too nervous was so ridiculous.. 

“Theo, look at me.” Jay asked and the boy did. 

Jay pulled him into a kiss, stroking Theo’s cheek. The Highschooler almost jumped when he felt Jay’s tongue pressing against his own, what in the world he was supposed to do with his tongue? He just mimicked Jay’s movements, not understanding it very well, hoping Jay won't notice his awkwardness. Oh gosh, how long has it been since the last time Jungwon kissed someone? Jay was such a pro compared to him. Wait, was it something ok to say? 

As someone unlocked the car, Jay pushed him and got down from his lap, giving him a smirk while Jungwon tried to gather his brain’s pieces again. “Wipe your mouth, my lipstick is all over it.” 

“And it’s fucking black! Oh my god.” Jungwon almost cried, wiping his mouth with his own shirt, making Jay laugh. He almost didn’t notice when Niki entered the car with Heeseung and Min.

“Hi, Niki.” Jay greeted. The boy gave him the shiniest smile Jay ever saw, Niki was giggling and shaking his hands, rocking himself back and forth. Maybe he was so happy he just couldn’t speak properly. “Ethan? How was it?” 

“Great? His dad said he had no curfew today and he fell for our tricks, so..”

“This is the first time I go out to someone’s house! I know we had to lie for it but it’s the first time! I’m so.. Thank you, Heeseung, like, for real, I’m so glad and- Oh! Jungwon!” He finally noticed Jungwon there, almost jumping and hugging him tightly. Jungwon hugged back, even still not thinking straight from Jay’s kiss. 

“Oh, the besties! Cute.” Jay shrugged, lighting up a cigarette while the kids bonded. 

They didn’t took that long to get to Heeseung’s apartment. Min called a car to take her home as they arrived, so the boys waited with her until the car finally arrived. At the time she went back home, Sunoo and Sunghoon arrived. They could stay there and wait for Jake so all of them could go together to the said apartment, right?

…Or they could just wait until Jay decided to stop smoking. 

“I can’t believe we’re all reunited waiting for the prince to give us the blessing of himself stop smoking so we can go up, like, c’mon! I’m pretty sure Heeseung has enough room for you to smoke there!” Sunoo sighed, rolling his eyes. 

“Meh, not in the mood.” He shrugged, not annoyed at all. “Do we know why The Galaxy isn’t here yet?” 

Both Sunghoon and Sunoo were in absolute shook. Jay? The Park Jay? Being respectful to their friend? 

“Oh, so you learned how to be less of a pain in the ass?” Sunoo crossed his arms, faintly smiling. “They said they’re coming, but Sunghoon said they’re coming from their friend’s house, so…”

“Let me guess, Astra?” Heeseung smirked at them. Their jaw dropped and Jay laughed with the scene. 

“Do you know who Astra is?!” Sunghoon asked in disbelief. 

“Why wouldn’t I? Okay, forget it. Why don’t we just take the lift already? It’s freezing out here, I can see Niki shivering.” He suggested, taking Jay’s cigarette and taking a long drag, finishing it and throwing it away. “Let’s go.” The Rich Kid called, guiding them to the nearest lift.

Jungwon and Niki walked together behind the group.

“Do you feel as left out as I feel sometimes or it’s just me being paranoid because I was the last one to join the group?” Jungwon asked in a whisper. Niki seemed distant, shaking his hands and barely talking. “Is it the cold? Wait, take it.” Jungwon took his hoodie off, giving it to Niki. The Dancer put it on the faster he could, sighing in relief as he warmed himself up. He saw Jungwon only with a crop top, and he was beautiful. He almost didn’t notice his bare arms showing, full of both healed and yet unhealed scars 

“Do you want the hoodie back? Is it ok to-”

“I’m ok, Niki. I don’t really.. Care. Like, we met on therapy, everyone here is a bit messed up in the head, right? I might put it again if someone, like, get triggered or what, but for now, it’s yours, don’t think much about it, right?” Jungwon smiled, dimples and all. Niki smiled back.

“Thank you… I feel the same sometimes too, but I understand, like, the five of them came from school together, they know eachother for a long time, we’re still newbies here, we might feel left out, I think.. But we have eachother, right? So, that means we aren’t left out!”

Jungwon smiled again, widely. Niki came back to shaking his hand from excitement. 

“I think so.” Jungwon said in a soft tone, holding the hoodie’s sleeve and taking Niki with him to the lift.

Chapter Text

Heeseung decided to show his apartment to Niki and Jungwon while the others settled in. Jay was rummaging through Heeseung’s room, probably looking for drugs, and Sunoo was pretending to be a mixologist. Everyone was still waiting for Jake to show up so they could finally start… Whatever this was supposed to be.

Oh, right, and Sunghoon… Well.

Sunghoon was quietly watching Sunoo toss random combinations of alcohol, juice, and soda together, basically anything he could find. His head felt foggy, words barely forming right. He hadn’t felt like this since starting recovery… And he hadn’t missed it. Well, maybe parts of it.

The girls were off at a competition in another city, his dad had gone with them, and his mom was visiting an aunt. A day alone. Normal. Routine. He could handle that.

But today wasn’t normal.

He clenched his fists, trying to push the thoughts away, but they slipped right through, flooding his brain. That awful inside-out burn crept up again, his body shivering, his temperature out of control after going too long without food. He tried focusing on Sunoo, silently begging his brain to stop glitching. Damn, he was weak. He used to go four days without eating when he was younger. Now eighteen hours broke him? Embarrassing.

All this for what? Partly to prove to himself that he was still sick. And partly… To feel pretty. Not that he’d ever admit it was for anyone in particular. Especially not when that someone was Jay.

“Sunghoon? You’re sleeping with your eyes open again.” Sunoo called, sipping whatever disaster he’d brewed. “You good? You’ve been quiet today.”

“I’m saving battery for later, when everyone’s high and drunk.” He forced a smile, moving closer. Sunoo smelled like alcohol, and Sunghoon couldn’t tell if he’d tasted some or spilled it.

“Chat, do we trust Sunoo as our bartender?” Jay asked, barely holding back a grin. He leaned on Sunoo’s shoulder, peering at him.

“If you don’t trust me, stay sober,” Sunoo shot back, rolling his eyes. “What do you want?”

“‘Pretend we belong to nobody,’ and all that.” Jay smirked, pressing a kiss to Sunoo’s neck. But, surprisingly, Gifted Kid actually pulled away. “Oh, come on.”

“I need to ask Jake first. I’ll get back to you later.” Sunoo mumbled, face lighting up red-hot. Was that… The first time he’d ever looked that flustered?

Jay and Sunghoon exchanged identical wide-eyed looks. It looked almost funny.

“Wait, you and Jake?!” Sunghoon’s voice shot up in surprise, higher than Jay had ever heard from him. The Troublemaker had to bite back a laugh, he was pretty sure this was the closer he would get to Sunghoon’s actual voice, the one he usually buried under a fake deep tone for validation, or whatever. Jay hated that shit.

“I… don’t know? He said he liked me. I told him to wait until I’m down from hypomania. We kissed...” Sunoo ticked the events off on his fingers, like he was making sure he didn’t forget anything.

“You kissed?! Why didn’t either of you tell me?!” Sunghoon practically shouted. Jay crossed his arms, leaning back to watch the chaos unfold.

“I called you like a hundred times last Friday! Where were you?!” Sunoo fired back, matching his energy.

“I-” Sunghoon started, but Jay cut him off.

“He was with me. I needed suicide watch and called him.” Jay shrugged, as casual as if he were announcing the weather.

Both Sunghoon and Sunoo froze.

“He what?!” Sunoo practically screamed.

“I didn’t know apartments could be this big,” Niki muttered as he stepped into the kitchen, trailed by Heeseung and Jungwon. All three of them immediately picked up on the tension. “Uh… Did we interrupt something?”

“Nope. Please, stay.” Jay laughed nervously. “How was the tour?” His gaze accidentally lingered on Jungwon’s bare arms for a beat too long. Jungwon was already staring at his. Oh, friendly fire.

“The place is huge. I wanna be rich when I grow up,” Niki mumbled, pouting. Everyone chuckled at his dream.

“Heeseung was born rich and he’ll die rich. Maybe next life, Niki.” Sunoo grinned, swatting Heeseung’s hand away as he tried to sneak a drink. He tried not to let himself believe Sunghoon had ditched him, but the intrusive thought buzzed anyway. His years of practice dodging his own mind games came in handy, well, maybe the therapy had done it's miracles too.

“We’re waiting for Galaxy,” Sunoo added. “so no drinking till they get here. And no drugs, Jay Park.”

“Oh. Drugs. Right.” Niki blinked, genuinely surprised.

“Never tried, hm?” Jay chuckled. Niki shook his head. “You’re such a good boy. Every mom’s dream.”

“Nah, I’m gay, kinda cancels out the 'good boy points.'” Niki shrugged.

“Is anyone here not in his boat?” Jay asked, scanning the room.

“My parents don’t care,” Sunghoon replied.

“Neither do mine. Pretty sure they gave up on me years ago.” Sunoo laughed, hollow.

“My mom doesn’t mind. She’s bi herself,” Jungwon added with a small smile. Meanwhile, Heeseung stayed silent, too busy texting someone to answer. He wouldn't give a good answer, anyways..

“That’s it, Niki, pick yourself a family and join.”  Jay grinned, snucking a cup while Sunoo wasn’t looking and knocking it back in one go.

“This son of a bitch, I swear to god.” Sunoo fake punched Jay, the latest cackled.

“I’m ordering burgers and pizza. If it’s too much, take some home. Also, Azriel and Jake are here. Try not to kill each other before we get back,” Heeseung announced, grabbing his keys and heading for the elevator.

Silence settled over the kitchen.

Jungwon and Niki exchanged a glance, both noting how Sunoo was practically skinning Sunghoon alive with his stare. Sunghoon couldn’t even look back. Jay stared at both of them, wondering how the hell things got that messy.

“…Nice weather today,” Jay muttered.

“I’m hungry,” Niki said. “Jay, help me find something?”

“Sure thing, kiddo.” Jay smiled faintly. “Hey, Sunghoon… You ever done drugs?”

“What an icebreaker.” Sunghoon rolled his eyes. “No, Jay. Never.”

“Jungwon?”

“I tried weed once or twice. Didn’t feel anything. No munchies, no nothing. My brother and his partners were vibing, and I was just on my phone in the corner. Boring.” Jungwon shrugged.

“It’s the quality, or the mix. Wanna try again later?” Jay offered, pulling a Twinkie from the shelf. Ethan always had these, it was his favourite candy. Everytime he had the opportunity, he asked his mom to bring a few boxes for him. Jay lazily covered part of the wrapper, pointing at the letters left, ‘Twink’ and mouthing ‘This, you’ at Sunghoon.

Sunghoon flipped him off.

“Don’t be bitter, Bows. Here, sweeten up.” Jay offered the Twinkie, but Sunghoon just pushed it away.

“I’m full.” He muttered, deciding the kitchen wasn’t the safest place anymore. He drifted to the living room just as Azriel walked in, laughing with Heeseung. Azriel still looked like a skater, but this time in a crop top and waist chain. He was glowing.

“My, oh my.” Jay grinned. “I always forget you were a model. You still look like one.”

“Cut it, Jay. Flirting won’t work.” Azriel smiled, half-sassy, half-sweet.

“Noted. You and Jake? Yeah, totally different leagues. Ethan was so right.” Jay laughed. “Anyway, now that we’re all here, can we skip to the good part?”

“Food first. No one’s getting wasted on an empty stomach here.” Heeseung declared, dropping bags of chips onto the carpet and plopping down. “Who made the drinks?”

“Sunoo.” Jay pointed. Sunoo smiled like he hadn’t nearly committed murder fifteen minutes ago.

“Alright, I trust Sunoo’s drinks more than Jay’s. Jay’s a menace, he’ll mix anything and pray his liver forgives him.” Heeseung sat cross-legged, handing chips to Azriel. “Now, any conversation starters?”

“Yeah.” Sunoo grinned. “Azzy, I just found out Jay is fucking Sunghoon.”

Sunghoon froze. Instantly paler.

“…Bold choice of words.” Jay muttered. “If you wanna kiss me that bad, Fox Boy, why don’t you ask your boyfriend’s permission first? Oh, wait. He’s not here. But Heeseung’s partner is.”

“Enough.” Niki shouted, hands clapped over his ears. “I didn’t come here for a fight. Stop. No fighting. I refuse.”

Sunoo and Sunghoon exchanged glances, silently calling a ceasefire between the fire and ice war.

“I'm sorry, this wasn't how I planned to tell you about-” Azriel pointed with his head to Heeseung, who just ignored the whole war happening. His world was just his chips and himself at that moment. “Things happen, right? And it happened faster than I expected. I mean, we ain't dating, but we're hanging out and things..”

“Why is everyone in love with each other here? A big polyamorous relationship would do wonders here.” Jungwon threw an unimpressed stare at them, sharing a bag of chips with Niki. 

“Too much of a responsibility. I barely can hold one relationship, like, taking it seriously, I can't imagine having more than one.. What am I even saying? I'm not dating.” Jay muttered. “Eat something or I'll throw you at Sunoo. Now.” Jay tossed the bag at Sunghoon. “Can I drink now? Do I have to ask the bartender's permission?”

“Fuck off, just get wasted and get the fuck out of my sight, Jay.” Sunoo gave him an exasperated sigh, pushing to his feet and heading to the kitchen. Maybe some alcohol would help him swallow the feelings stuck at his throat. Jay followed him.

“Are you drinking today?” Niki whispered to Jungwon, leaning his head on his shoulder.

“I never drank in my whole life.. Have you?” Yang answered in the same tone.

“Do we want to?” The Dancer glanced at Jungwon. A silent doubt grew between them both.

“I think I want to. Let's go.” He led Niki to the kitchen.

“Can I try drinking too?” Azriel asked, observing as Heeseung played with his waist chain. 

“Azzy, I don't think.. You have already told us once about not using drugs nor alcohol, right?” Sunghoon remembered. 

“People in my system have done worse, I just want to know what is this like.” Azriel shrugged, stretching himself before getting up, straight to the kitchen. 

Heeseung tried to carefully lead Azriel, Jungwon and Niki as they decided to drink, trying to do as much damage control as possible. He asked himself if Sunghoon was a casual drinker as he saw him discreetly picking up a cup or two, maybe the answer was yes, and that means he was now out of his radar. 

“The waist chain looks amazing on you.” Azriel gave him a shy smile as Jungwon pointed to his waist.

“Thank you, I like your makeup, you look stunning.” Azriel softly smiled. “By the way, I'm Azriel, I don't think you knew about-”

“I don't need to know, like, if you don't want to.. I can just accept that. You're not Jake, you're Azriel, and that's ok.” Jungwon shrugged, getting his second cup. “Are we supposed to take easy on drinking, according to Heeseung, right?”

“Are we really?” Azriel laughed and Jungwon did the same, lips already on the cup. Niki had left the kitchen, helping Jay as he tried to choose a playlist to set a better mood, his glass still untouched. 

From the other side of the kitchen, Heeseung’s gaze captured Azriel chatting with Jungwon. He felt the weight of Sunoo’s gaze onto him and tried to fight it until it fully swallowed him.

“How long does it take for you to lift your mood when you're drinking?” He asked. Heeseung, Sunoo and Jay had bigger cups as they were the ‘heavy’ drinkers there. 

“Find out for yourself and tell me later.” Sunoo grumbled. 

“C’mon, we're supposed to have fun here, don't be so grumpy.” He leaned over Sunoo's shoulder, kissing his neck. “Is it just like Jay, then? Like, we’re passing someone between us like a blunt?”

“Don’t get me started.” A laugh almost escaped Sunoo’s lips. “I can't stop thinking and staring at the fucking waist chain, I feel like a pervert.”

“Flirt with him playing with the chain, he seems to like it.” Heeseung's voice got muffled on Sunoo's neck as he carefully bit there, leaving his mark. 

“Just like Jungwon’s doing?” The foxy boy held back his laugh. 

“Just like what?” When Heeseung turned himself to Azriel again, he was surprised with Jungwon playing with his waist chain, pulling him closer and staring at his waist, then his lips, then his eyes. Something very interesting was just about to happen. “They're tipsy, aren't they? How far are they?” 

“Look, Jungwon is stacking his cups.” Sunoo pointed to the small tower of plastic glasses, at least five or six of them. “He's one of us, I guess.. Maybe it's better if we give him a big boy cup like ours, isn't it?” 

“Hey, Jungwon!” He called, getting Azriel’s attention too. Now his face was burning red. “Jump three times for me.”

“What the fuck is even this?” He mumbled, jumping the three times it was demanded just like he was sober.

“You're still fine. I'm getting you a bigger cup, you drink the same amount of alcohol as my car, geez.” Heeseung joked. “Is it really your first time drinking?”

“Yes? I don't understand why you're surprised.” He watched as Heeseung threw things he wasn't sure what it was inside a bigger cup, giving it to him. “Thank you.”

“You're welcome. What about your friend? I think we might need to check on him, just to make sure he isn't going across the line for him.” Heeseung almost didn't notice how Azriel smiled, noticing his care for Niki.

“He hasn't even started drinking, he's just wandering around with the cup, look.” Jungwon pointed, just to find Niki jumping non-stop in the living room. Sunghoon was with him, laughing at his reaction. “What's happening?” 

“Heeseung has, like, all the Just Dance games! God, I'm not leaving your house until I get 5 stars for all my favourite songs!” Niki giggled, as happy as a kid, selecting the first game and starting to move everything around him so he wouldn't trip on anything. “My sisters and I played watching videos on YouTube, secretly. The game was banned at my house because my dad was truly convinced that the game would turn me gay.. It happened anyway. And happened both times.”

“You're gay twice?” Jungwon asked, voice tone fluctuating. Now he was getting drunk. Heeseung and Sunoo shared a look, holding back a laugh. 

“No! I'm gay and my younger sister is a lesbian, I guess.. She likes girls! That's what she said.” Niki explained. His cup was still untouched, resting on the TV stand. 

“Niki.” Heeseung snapped his fingers in front of his eyes, getting his attention. “Do you want to give me your drink? It's still untouched. Jungwon had the time to drink half of the cups and you're still there.”

“No, I can take it, that’s ok.” The dancer mumbled, getting his cup and staring for a while until he finally took a sip, discovering that it wasn’t as bad as he thought. He decided it was a nice idea to down it all at once, doing so. The whole room stopped to stare at him. “What?”

“Why do you and Jungwon drink like you’ve been doing this for your whole life?” Heeseung pouted. “I’m not giving you a big boy cup, share Jungwon’s, you two are already the same entity.” 

“Thank you for the mention, I guess.” Jungwon mumbled. The front door announced Jay coming to the apartment again, bringing what looked like a tower of pizza and hamburger boxes. He dropped it on the living room’s coffee table, the one Niki had moved to make place for himself. 

While everyone turned to Jay, helping him to organize the boxes and whatever he needed, the boy tried to read the room, guess whatever happened what had happened after he left. All his focus laid on Sunghoon, who was maybe watching Niki dancing Just Dance’s choreography to The Weather Girls’ It’s Raining Men, a song that, honestly, was too much like him; or maybe he was just zoning out. He approached Sunghoon, waving in front of his eyes to catch his attention and Sunghoon took a decade to react, looking at Jay and tilting his head.

“Yes?” He hummed. 

“There’s something happening with you today, isn’t it?” Jay responded in a soft tone, stroking Sunghoon’s hair. “Do you want to tell me? We can go to the bedroom, or the kitchen, or upstairs and talk.” 

“I think it’s better not to think about it, really.” He sighed, smiling, but a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. 

“Are you sick?” Jay asked, worried.

“I’m fine, Jay, I promise you, ok?” Sunghoon held his hand as a way of reassuring the boy. 

“I’ll trust you. Now, let’s eat something, I bet you haven’t eaten yet.” Jay waited until Niki was done dancing that song, helping Sunghoon to get up.

“I said I ate today, I was pretty sure you heard me.” Sunghoon rolled his eyes. He turned to the table Heeseung was trying to settle properly and his gaze interlocked with Sunoo’s, a piercing stare, alternating between him and Jay. Fuck. “You know you can kiss Sunoo if you want, right?” He whispered, hiding his mouth with his hand so Sunoo couldn’t read his lips. 

“I know, I’m waiting for Jake to authorize him or something.” Jay shrugged, noticing something different in the room that now echoed the melodies of Britney Spears’ Baby One More Time; Niki was inherently gay and it showed even more now. “Where are J- Azriel and Jungwon?”

Heeseung and Sunoo turned to each other in disbelief. Sunghoon and Jay couldn’t get what that meant. 

“Let’s not think about it, grab something to eat, everyone! By the way, Jay, Jungwon’s already kinda tipsy, so..” 

“Noted.” Jay affirmed without Heeseung even finishing, giving a slice of pizza to Sunghoon, Sunoo and then getting one to himself. “Niki, eat something. Are you drinking? If you’re drinking, then you don’t have a choice, you have to eat.” The Troublemaker warned as Niki selected his next song: Alexandra Stan’s Mr Saxobeat. 

“Niki, if you come eat with us, I’ll dance with you when we finish!” Sunghoon offered, already eating. A strange relief hit Jay when he saw him eating. 

“Just this song and I’m coming, alright?” Niki declared before pressing the ‘Start’ button.

With their mouths full, the four of them decided to just eat in peace until Niki joined them, but Jungwon and Azriel were faster. When the boys came back, Azriel had a bite on his waist and Jungwon had one on his neck, not mentioning Azriel’s strawberry lipstick all over Jungwon’s mouth, the wrinkled clothes.. All indicating that, Yes, what Heeseung and Sunoo thought was really true.

“I wasn't familiar with your game, Jungwon.. Where's the boy that got all shy when I kissed him in the car?” Jay smirked, glancing at Jungwon's half empty cup. 

“I think I left him there.” He giggled, deciding that it was Niki's turn to enjoy himself drinking. “Are we all ok with underage drinking here?” 

“Niki is less than a month away from turning 18, he will survive.” Jay shrugged, observing as Niki selected the next song: Wild by Jessie J. “This boy..”

“What? No, Niki! You told me Mr Saxobeat was your last song before eating, you will stop for a bit and eat, please.” Sunghoon protested, getting the joystick and pausing the song, receiving a dirty look from Niki. “Eat and I'm dancing with you.”

“I wanna dance too!” Sunoo added, cheerfully. ‘Is that what bipolar means?’ Jungwon thought, reminding of how pissed he looked at least 20 minutes ago.

“I need a fourth person then, we don't have trios in this specific game. Wait, we do have Careless Whisper Stage Version, but I kinda hate both Careless Whisper and Stage Versions.. We have Where Have You Been and I Will Survive Stage Version too but, honestly? Whatever.. I think trios are a real thing from the 2015 game and beyond, we're still in 2014, so I need someone to join into a quartet.” Niki rambled like he won't ever stop talking. The whole room stood in silence, processing what he just said, some trying to understand, others just giving up straight on the point.

“Is Just Dance your special interest?” Jay asked, drinking from Sunoo's cup. 

“Is my what?” Niki instantly flushed. 

“I'm not implying you're autistic, I'm just saying it looks like you have a hyperfocus on this game, which is completely normal; Ethan once had an obsession in Stardew Valley when we were, like, 16.” Jay held back a laugh, seeing Ethan pretending he didn't say a thing. 

“I'm not comfortable saying anything about it.” Niki mumbled, getting back to Jungwon's cup. 

“I am.” Azriel shrugged, finishing his piece of pizza. “I'll ask my therapist if I can be evaluated for autism, maybe I'll get a straight ‘No’, but I don't think my teachers, doctors, friends and random people would ask me if I'm on the spectrum if something wasn't wrong with me, so… It's better for me if I check on it, I already procrastinated a lot to do so.” The boy explained, calmly. Niki felt.. Strange by hearing him talking about it. Like it was nothing. “Should I take my waist chain off?” He suddenly turned to Heeseung, who definitely wasn't prepared to answer. He gave him a sign to wait until he finally swallowed his pizza. 

“Why would you do so? Everyone liked it, some more than others, right, Jungwon?” He glanced at the red haired boy, who just gave him a smirk. 

“I want to eat and I'm afraid the amount I want to eat will make the chain look weird, like, I am supposed to be bloated after I eat, right?” 

“You won't bloat that much, you never did, you won't do.” Sunghoon answered, making Azriel confused about the answer. 

“How do you- Why do you know this about myself?!” He asked Sunghoon, who just ignored the question, reaching for a burger now. 

“Can we not talk about this ever again, please?” Sunoo gave them an uncomfortable laugh. 

“Why don't we have sweets? I like sweets.” Niki pouted, face still flushed. Oh , now he was tipsy too.

“I can order sweets after you eat, stop drinking and eat something, Niki, or you will pass out while dancing and I bet you don't want this.” Heeseung warned and he agreed, putting a burger between two pieces of pizza and just eating like it was nothing. Everyone seemed at least surprised about that. 

“And that's on being a teenager boy.” Jay almost laughed, picking up the big boy cups around the place. “I will fill these up again, be right back.” He headed to the kitchen, followed by Sunoo.

The Foxy Boy stood there in silence, watching as Jay mixed everything he could find on his own cup, being more careful on the other cups, choosing one kind of alcohol to mix with the juice or soda, sometimes both. Jay wasn't liking his silence, it was so strange for someone who never shut up once in his life. 

“Why are you staring at me so much? What is going through your evil mind?” He asked, even more confused when Sunoo got closer, grabbing his wrist and leading him to the wall, pushing him against it and getting even closer. “What the f-”

Sunoo grabbed his waist, making his grip tight and pulling him closer, leaning on a hungry kiss, like he was about to devour Jay. Jay was totally unprepared for that, so he just let himself be leaded by Sunoo, resting his arms on his shoulders and stroking his hair, pulling it when he felt Sunoo thrusting his hips against Jay’s, surprising him. That was Sunoo’s game? Right, so Jay would play his game. He started dry-humping onto Sunoo’s lap, smiling mischievously between the kisses and bites as he heard Sunoo whimpering from his movements. The Troublemaker was the first to break the kiss, going for Sunoo’s neck, biting and kissing there. Sunoo’s whimpers started to sound louder, in a way that soon Addicted to You by Avicii playing on the next room wouldn’t be enough to muffle, so Jay had to shut Sunoo with his hand. The blonde wasn’t so happy about this, so he grabbed both of Jay’s wrists on one hand, pushing it against the wall and taking all the control Jay could have, attacking him with the same kisses and lovebites he did on him. 

“Take me to the bedroom and eat me out already for god’s fucking sake, Sunoo.” Jay begged in a whisper, panting. 

“The night has just started, Kitty.” Sunoo whispered on his ear, giggling, leaving him a hickey on his neck and distancing himself to the table, getting his and Jungwon-Niki’s cup and leaving. 

“Kim Sunoo, you son of a bitch.” Jay cursed, out of breath, turning to the wall and pressing his forehead against it, trying to organize his thoughts properly.

Chapter Text

It was past midnight. The screams and loud music had finally faded, the boys had remembered that they were at an apartment, so noise complaints would be the last thing they needed.

Upstairs, they had gathered in Heeseung’s hidden rooftop space, a quiet haven with a single room and open terrace. Though they still had alcohol left, most were too drunk to continue drinking. Instead, they took a break: they had water, juice, and whatever else helped bring them back to Earth. Or just to find different ways to entertain themselves. 

Jay lit a blunt, took a few drags, then passed it to Sunghoon, who held it like a foreign object. 

“What am I supposed to do?” Sunghoon mumbled, sighing as he glanced at the blunt, as if he was examining it. 

“Smoke?” Jungwon deadpanned, pouring Niki a cup of water. The youngest hesitated a bit, accepting it anyways. “What kind of question is that?”

“Everyone is out of their minds here, Jungwon. I think dumb questions are, like, the last thing we should consider here.” Jay held back a laugh, nodding negatively. “Just exhale it, like you’re taking a deep breath, not like when you drink something out of a straw.” 

Sunghoon nodded, examining it for a couple seconds more and deciding to attempt a drag, feeling the smoke fill up his lungs and coughing at the same moment. What an unpleasant experience. “Why does it taste like this? Oh, god.” He winced, coughing again while Jungwon and Jay laughed at his misery.

“Try to hold it a bit, and take it slowly!” Jay warned, observing as Sunghoon did as he was told to. Such an obedient boy. He still coughed a little, passing it to Niki, who seemed half awake-half asleep, but somehow heard the instructions well, doing exactly like Jay told Sunghoon to twice before passing it for Jungwon. “No reaction at all? Are you serious?” 

“The smell is bad, it tastes bad, but I want to know what being high is like.” The youngest mumbled, pouting as he laid down at Jungwon’s lap comfortably. Jungwon stroked his hair as he took a few drags like he did it every other day, naturally, passing it to Sunoo. 

“I’d suggest we play ‘Never Have I Ever,’ but none of us are sober enough to count fingers or keep a score, we’d all end up drinking on the wrong turns.” He did his best not to laugh, taking a long drag and throwing his head back, blowing a cloud of smoke. “We can just infodump about ourselves instead, you know, bonding?” 

“I’m in.” Jungwon held his hand up. “I can start: I envy Galaxy’s bag so much, you know? The Ita Bag with all the pins? I wish I could have one, but my mom doesn’t allow me to have pins because the last time I had one, I used the needle to cut myself, but I was twelve! I’m almost nineteen now, it’s been a fucking while!” 

“I can sneak you a pin if you want, if you hide it, of course…” Azriel smiled, curling up at Heeseung. He once heard that the higher you are, the colder you felt, but that cold?! “Is it my turn?” 

“It can be, I guess?” Jay shrugged. “So we are admitting things for ourselves here?- Wait, Sunoo, can you just pass the blunt around? Stop hoarding it, geez, you’re so greedy.”

“Fuck off.” The Gifted Kid mumbled, passing it away to Heeseung. 

“I don’t think I can say this… It’s not a secret of mine, it’s from.. Another guy in the system.” Azriel giggled, clearly tipsy, even before taking a single hit. Maybe he’d overdone it on the drinking, but the damage was already done.

He heard someone talking to him at the back of his head. It sounded like Nolan. ‘Don’t. It’s not your secret, don’t-’

‘Shut up.’ He spat back. “Thom kinda has a crush on Sunghoon, he always did.” 

“I fucking knew it!” Sunoo shouted, triumphant. “It was so obvious!”

“Was it?!” Sunghoon’s face has flushed crimson, watching as Azriel giggled when Heeseung took the blunt to his lips, holding his wrist in response and taking the drag. “I’m totally not used to it, I- You guys are crazy, like, there’s no way.. I’m not going on with this, I’m just keeping on with the game!” He sighed, lowering his head and throwing it back to get the hair out of his face as he always did, but this time having the experience of the whole room spinning with him, like his brains were shaking loosely inside his skull. “Fuck? Shit? What the- The actual fuck? What in the everloving fuck just happened?” He held his head down again, closing his eyes tightly and opening it, blinking a few times. He felt someone stroking his back and of course it was Jay. 

“Bows, you okay?” The troublemaker whispered. 

“I will tell you again: Fuck this nickname. And I don’t know what happened, like, I know I lost my senses, right? Because I’m drunk and suddenly my arms are too big, my legs are too big, I feel like I’ve lost control of it all. But now I.. It was like suddenly the room was spinning around me for a moment, and my brain felt.. Loose, and heavy.” Sunghoon tried to explain himself, confused. 

Jay just smiled at him, which made Sunghoon realize that his gaze was already dropping low a little. He was getting wasted. “You’re high, Sunghoon. That’s just you getting high.”

“Am I getting high like him? It would be terrible to.. Feel my brain get loose.” Niki shook his hands in agony, not wanting to even consider the experience.

“Not everyone feels the same, there’s people who don’t even get high. Don’t worry, Niki, you won’t feel your brain loose.” Jay tried to calm him down. “Go on, Bows, don’t kill the game.”

“Okay, I’m.. I’ve always envied Sunoo and Galaxy’s body. Literally so much more than I should. You guys are just so.. Delicate, and tiny, I just.. Wish I was like that.” He mumbled, staring at the floor. 

“The three of us literally have the same clothing size, Sunghoon, you’re just taller than us.” Sunoo sighed, not wanting to keep going with that talk. “My turn? Alright. I’m not a stone Bottom, I’ve topped a few times.” Sunoo shrugged, downing half of whatever he had on the cup. The room stood in silence. “How in hell is that a surprise?” 

“You really don’t look like one.” Heeseung laughed in surprise.

“You don’t look like a top but still I’m sure you are, right?” Sunoo rolled his eyes.

“We’ve never done the deed . How can you say he’s one?” Azriel mumbled, fiddling with his shoelaces, 

“If I consider that the only person I’ve seen him with is Jay, I’m pretty sure he’s a top, even not looking like it.” Kim smiled, knowing very well what he just did. 

“I’d rather not comment on what happened the last time I had both of you at my place.” Jay narrowed his eyes, reaching for a bottle of liquor they just had there and taking a swig. “Is the blunt dead?” he asked, scanning the circle and noticing Niki, silently, keeping the blunt for himself. “Someone take it from him, please. Niki, from now on, just water, ok?” He grabbed the water bottle, pushing it over to him. 

“Boring.” Niki mumbled, hugging the bottle. “And the game? The game is over? I didn’t even get to say something!” 

“Because Sunoo almost killed the game, we told you to confess something about someone here, you dumbass! Try again.” The Troublemaker threw the bottle’s cap at Sunoo, who threw it back at him. 

“Right.. Although he once ran me over, I wish I knew how to drive like Heeseung. Like, how to drive and how to race, it looks.. Sick.” Sunoo giggled, taking the blunt between his fingers. The room fell quiet. “What?” 

“I have so much to ask.” Jungwon laughed, looking at the both of them. Jungwon was sure that now , if he did the jumping test Heeseung once asked him, he wouldn’t pass. “Like.. How?”

“I didn’t ran him over, he threw himself in front of my car. He had the whole avenue, but he decided to do it in front of my car!” Heeseung defended himself, taking the blunt as Jay gave it to him. 

“And now the poor cat can’t drive anymore!” Sunoo laughed, hearing Jay mumbling something he couldn’t understand to him.

“Sunoo, I almost killed you! How could you- And don’t act like you’re not a “scaredy cat” too, because, as far as I remember, I’m not the one that had a panic attack the last time we referenced the accident, right?”

The air felt heavy around them both as they stared at eachother, like they would start a fight at the very next moment. 

“Enough with it.” Azriel demanded, feeling Nolan get too close, close enough for his voice get a bit raspy and deep. Niki looked up, startled. Jungwon’s lips curled in a smirk. “Both of you, sit down. Heeseung, you next, then Niki.” He organized, taking the blunt for himself and fixing his posture, still slouched, but purposeful.

“Did you guys….” Jay tried to signal something with his hands, confused. “Somebody help me, I don’t speak System.”

“Switch.” Sunghoon whispered.

“Thank you. Did you guys switch? Or is it still Azriel?” He completed the phrase, giving Sunghoon a thumbs up. 

Galaxy stared at him for a while, more like they’re trying to figure themselves out. “I’m still here, just.. Nolan is just too close, I don’t get why he’s here...” He mumbled, taking another drag. 

“Don’t worry. Hi, Nolan.” Jay greeted, offendedly looking at everyone around, including Niki, who was almost sleeping. “Don’t you all have manners? Say hi to them!” 

“Hi, Nolan.” The group greeted in unison. Sunoo and Sunghoon, the ones that knew Nolan, held back a laugh when they noticed the disgusted look on the boy’s face. 

“Don’t ever do that again, you sound like an A.A group.” Everyone laughed as Nolan coughed into his sleeve and reached for the blunt, only for Heeseung to snatch it and pass it to Jungwon. “Fuck off.”

“Ouch?” Heeseung took his hand to his heart, fakely hurt. “Oh, my turn? Right.. I admit, I can draw, and I was.. Lying, I draw and paint sometimes, but it’s not something I put a lot of effort on.. That being said, I wish I could dance like Niki. These days he posted something, some sick ballet solo or else, and it was just.. Wow. It’s almost magic.” 

“Yes! Like, oh god, yes!” Jay agreed loudly, throwing his hair back. Something about Jay that wasted just sounded.. Off. Like he was too glad, too giddy.. Was he kind of sounding like… Sunoo?! “How can you do that thing? Like, with your..” He grabbed his own feet, trying to do something. Sunghoon held him in a hug so he could stay still. “Hey!” 

Niki giggled, so lightly he could float. “I know what are you talking about…” He sat up and twisted himself into a jaw-dropping position, elegant, impossible, almost inhuman.

“Yes! Exactly! You look like.. A Pretzel.” Niki laughed at Jay, getting back to the floor and laying down on Jungwon’s lap. 

“It’s called Bow and Arrow. It’s a mostly feminine skill, but I like it anyways.” He smiled, stretching himself. “My turn? Finally! Hm.. Should I be silly or say something sentimental?” 

“Both?” Jungwon stared at him with a devilish smirk, forgetting they weren’t the only ones in the room. “Niki, drag it.” 

“What?” Niki whispered. Jungwon leaned on top of Niki, who tilted his head sideways waiting for a kiss. Instead of a kiss, Jungwon took a drag from the blunt, squeezing Niki’s cheeks so he would open his mouth, letting out a stream of smoke inside Niki’s mouth. Niki understood what he had to drag and did so. Rosy cheeks and all, he stared at Jungwon, waiting for more, but the boy just let a even more mischievous smile out, kissing one of his cheeks and stretching his body and neck, like nothing happened. 

“Ayo?! What the hell, Jungwon! I thought you both were like.. Angels?!” Jay laughed, so loud that Sunoo covered his mouth. 

“Ask Azriel about me when he comes back.” He blinked at Jay, passing the blunt to him again. The others seemed too stunned to speak. It looked too intimate, worse than a kiss. “Anyways, Niki?”

“Right, hm… The first one is that I caught myself wishing to be a girl more than I like to admit, but not in the transgender way, no offense to transgender people, by the way; But, like.. I wish I'd been born a girl because this way I would just be allowed to date boys like my older sister.. Also, it’s so strange to be the only son in a family, sometimes I… I think my parents only love an idealized Niki they came up with in their minds, not the real Niki.” He confessed, stumbling in his own words while he played with Jungwon’s fingers. 

“I know this isn’t that much, Kid, but we appreciate you as yourself, as the real Niki.” Jay smiled at him and Niki smiled back. Apparently Jay had feelings now.

“Thank you, you’re kind when you’re not a bad boy.” Niki sweetly giggled. “The other thing is that I already dreamed I was kissing, like, each one of you. Not Nolan, though.. Someone in the Galaxy, I don’t know who.”

“Thank you for the knowledge, no one needed to hear this, you’re still a kid.” Heeseung warned, getting on his feet and stretching himself. The blunt had already died in someone’s hands at that point. “It’s cold up here, we should get back downstairs, I can lend clothes to anyone who wants it.” He explained, helping others to stand again. 

“Wait!” Niki objected. “Jay didn’t say a thing about him.”

The group turned to Jay, who just stared back as he downed a few gulps of the liquor straight from the bottle. “Do you guys want me to actually say something?” 

“Hm, yes? Everyone did.” Sunoo shrugged. 

“I’m not that interesting, I guess.. What can I say? Should I admit that I’m an alcoholic? That’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?” He laughed. After going through all the moods one could bear in a span of an hour and a half, now Jay apparently fell for depreciating himself. “I’m no better than any of you, that’s why I act like I’m the absolute best of you.” He shrugged. “Right, I’m supposed to say something about someone, right? Hm, well… Once, at school, I forgot my blade in the boy’s changing room after P.E classes and the teacher saw it. I was close to being expelled, so I just said I saw Sunoo there earlier and followed like nothing had happened.” Jay faintly smiled, dry as dust, directing himself down the stairs. 

“Motherfucker, I got suspended and it's your fault! Jay? Jay! Come back here!” Sunoo called, running after him. 

Heeseung got the clothes they needed, getting some help to adjust safe spaces to sleep for everyone. Jungwon and Niki decided, as always, to stay together, so both lifted and positioned the sofas so they could make a big bed, which Niki insisted that looked like a cradle. They laid down next to each other, under the same blanket, talking in gibberish and laughing about it. The five of them knew that the youngests were by far the worst among them, so an agreement was made: They would stay in the room in front of the living room, so they could take turns and check on the boys. 

Sunoo, Heeseung, Galaxy and Jay had already changed their clothes, sitting on a round mat like they were doing before. Of course Jay was the one to start a real talk, provoking the others. 

Oh! Right.. About Sunghoon? Well..

At that moment, Sunghoon actually wasn't listening to the conversation anymore.

Physically? He was there, sitting between Jay and Galaxy, listening to Sunoo gossip about what seemed to be the “Ugliest Fashion Collection His Sister Ever Did” and watching as a vape circled around, probably from Jay. Mentally? He was still processing what happened in the last 40 minutes, was it the weed? His brains weren’t loose anymore, but now he became both too aware of his own body and totally disconnected from it.

His thoughts started blinding him, when he noticed, he was calculating again. He had eaten half a burger, two pieces of pizza, fries, soda and tons of alcohol.. The moment the count got up to 900, he felt his insides twisting. This is so fucking wrong, he was ruining everything! He tried to stick again to the “Food, not numbers” mantra he had, but it was too late. He was definitely doomed.  

He went straight to the kitchen, getting back with a two liter water bottle, sitting where he was again and drinking half of it. It was the first trick he learnt when recovering from the purging addiction was to drink tons of water. For Sunghoon, it meant even deeper since he saw accounts of people that died from having complications after drinking water before purging, he couldn’t name what happened, but he saw it happening in online communities once. 

When he started the second half of the bottle, he knew something was wrong. He got up on his feet again, moving now to the other side of Heeseung’s bed, sitting there in silence, drinking slowly now, like he had to push each gulp down his throat. He felt heavy , his breath felt even heavier. It was like he was torturing himself. Wrong, wrong, wrong. This is so wrong, oh so wrong. It’s my fault, all my fault, I’m ruining myself. 

“Bows? Everything ok?” Jay called, watching him heavily breathing. “Bows?” 

“Sunghoonie?” Sunoo called, trying to stand up and reach him, stepping back when he saw Sunghoon grab the trashcan next to him, surprised by a soundless dry heave, coughing from it. “Fuck, Sunghoon?”

“Everything alright?” Jungwon asked, loudly. 

“I-I’m sorry. I need to go to the bathroom.” He mumbled, still coughing, almost running to the room’s bathroom before something worse happened. 

“You’re not trying to purge, are you?” Heeseung asked, receiving angry or confused gazes from everyone in the room. “What?”

“Heeseung, my- My nose is literally bleeding from throwing up, and you think I’m purging? You stupid idiot, why the hell would I do this on purpose!” He coughed again, out of breath. 

“Idiot.” Jay mumbled, slapping the back of Heeseung’s head. He walked to the bathroom, leaning on the doorframe, watching as Sunghoon fought for his life, like it was endless. “I got you, I’m here.” 

“Why are you here?” He coughed, laying back and resting his back and head on the wall, stabilizing his breath as he closed his eyes, hands laying down on his stomach. 

“Why do you think?” Jay slowly got on his knees, getting a piece of paper and wiping the blood on Sunghoon’s face. Jay noticed when tears started to fall, wiping that too, waiting until Sunghoon felt slightly better. 

“I’ll ask again.” He sobbed, trying to push Jay away. 

“Because I care, Sunghoon, because I fucking care.” He said under his breath, teeth clenched. “What caused this?” 

“I drank too much water, I always do this when I feel like purging, but I went too far with it. I’m sorry, I just.. I didn’t want to ruin anybody’s night with, you know, being this problematic.” Sunghoon let a hollow laugh out, staring at the floor.

“We’re all problematic, Bows, that’s ok.” He smiled, faintly. It was... Too kind. 

“You’re wasted, Jay, you don’t have a clue what you’re saying.” He rolled his eyes, trying to get up again. Jay helped him to do so as he got on his feet again.

“If you feel like you’re going crazy again, text me, like, if you don’t want to say it out loud. And if you don’t feel like talking to me, grab Sunoo to a corner or else.” Jay shrugged, opening the door again. “I can lend you some of my clothes, and we have toothbrushes under the sink. Take it while I get the clothes.” The boy took the vape from his pocket, taking a long drag, directing himself to Heeseung’s wardrobe.

“Is he okay?” Apparently Nolan asked. 

“He just drank too much water, he will survive.” He shrugged, getting back to the bathroom, giving Sunghoon his clothes and waiting until he got out, with a button up shirt and sweatpants, and now having his hair on his face. “Bows?”

“What?” Sunghoon sighed.

“Nice tits.” Jay held back his laugh as he saw Sunoo eyes widening, Heeseung bursting laughing and Nolan just looked confused. 

“There’s no way you- Fuck you, Jay! Fuck you!” Sunghoon rolled his eyes, marching back to where he sat before. 

“Are you cursing at me or giving me a to-do list, darling?” He laughed back, sitting back at his spot.

It was around four in the morning now, the five of them were still awake. They could hear the world going on around them outdoors in one of the only moments of silence they had since they got here. They decided to put the bed’s mattresses down so they could sleep together, but they were still sitting there, staring at each other. Actually, at that moment, they were all staring at Nolan. 

The boy was looking down to the mattress, but his gaze was far, far away. All of them understood silently that he was dissociating, but half of them didn’t know what to do, what they could do, actually. 

Sunoo held one of his hands, squeezing there a bit. “Is everything alright?” 

“Azriel is trying to kick me out, I don’t want to go, I.. I want to say something, I’m just… I’m afraid, this is so stupid.” He laughed, running his hands down his hair. 

“That’s ok, Nolan, we’ll listen open-heartedly, right? And try not to judge because some of us doesn’t know how to keep their opinions to themselves.” Sunghoon sighed like he was so done. Sunoo and Heeseung exchanged glances, confused about where the hatred came from. 

“Did anyone hear something?” Jay pretended to look confused.

“Right, I’ll... Try.” He sighed, crossing his arms and still hesitating about it, sighing deeply, trying to get some courage doing so. “I fuck- messed up and now I’m going to be a father, like, for real.” He confessed, trying to get rid of that the faster he could. 

Silence. The only reaction he got initially was a headpat from Heeseung. 

“What in the world?” Sunghoon whispered in disbelief.

“I have so many questions.” Sunoo laughed in despair, grabbing his own hair. “How did it happen?”

“I mean, DID has some heavy amnesia-shit, doesn't it? I heard of people forgetting their own name, I think I’m not surprised he happened to forget a condom, right?” Jay shrugged, now having everyone staring at him. “What? I just searched.” He showed him his cellphone, watching some Tiktok video related to the topic. “I was searching about it, can’t I? I’m not stupid.”

“Slow down.” Sunghoon asked, squishing his hand. “Do we know the other parent?”

“Only Jay doesn't know, I guess.. It’s Astra, like, specifically Lunette, but Astra.” He confessed, sighing as he felt Heeseung stroking his hair. Azriel was just loving it. 

“That’s why you’re almost living at their house.” Sunoo sighed, still trying to process all the new information. “What about their partners?” 

“That, we don’t actually know if it’s mine, I’m pretty sure, but nonetheless they and their partners are taking care of it, I’m more like a godfather, uncle, I don’t know, it’s just crazy to me.” Nolan mumbled, feeling when Azriel grabbed Heeseung’s hand, kissing his palm and positioning it cupping their face. ‘Stop it, I look stupid.’ 

“We don’t, I just want my partner’s touch, can’t I?” Azriel spat back. 

“No if I’m the one you’re sharing the body with. Quick, take over, I don’t want it anymore.” Nolan confessed. 

“Finish your conversation first. It won’t be a heavy switch, I’m right behind you and we have two of the triplets to help us if we need.” Azriel explained, whispering in Nolan's ear. When did Azriel become this flirty?

“Three of you? Why are you crowding the front-”

“Buddy?” Heeseung whispered, stroking his cheek. 

“We lost him to Azriel or..?” Jay asked, waving in front of his eyes. Nolan stared at Jay confusedly, then looked at Sunoo.

“What? You said something, I didn’t hear, sorry.” He asked. Sunoo smiled at him.

“I asked how are you feeling about it. We’re worried, like, being a father is far too much, even if you’re just a stepfather, godfather, I don’t know, it’s too much.” 

“I really don’t know, like, I feel glad seeing and hearing them talking about it. They’re a bit older, they’re dealing with it way better than I am, and it’s, well, hopeful? When I think about it, the whole thing of ‘I’m putting another being into this damned world’ brings both dispair, because the world is, well, fuck- damned, shit, sorry- A-And hope, does that make sense? Sorry, it’s a mess inside, I have three people around me.. Chaos, just chaos.” He tried to laugh it off. 

“It did make sense, and it’s kinda sweet, I’m not gonna lie.” Sunghoon smiled, giving his friend a headpat. “Still switchy?”

“A lot.” He whispered, leaning on Heeseung’s shoulder. At the end, Azriel was right, it indeed was a smooth switch. They just felt a shiver down his spine, sighing, widely smiling, blinking their eyes hardly to get rid of the post-switch blurring. “Did I take too long?” 

“Actually, I think that’s the smoothest switch I ever saw from you.” Sunoo giggled. “Usually it's, like, if you’re not co-fronting with someone, you take at least ten minutes to get it all done, even more if it’s a bad day.” 

“I was close to him. Also, Jake and Thom are, like, with me, so-”

“Oh! So Thom’s listening? Why did you never tell me you have a crush on me?” Sunghoon asked, crossing his arms and staring at them, who just smiled shyly at him. 

“You never asked me about it.” Thom? shrugged, laughing. 

“I have a revolutionary idea.” Jay put his hand up, signaling he wanted to say something. “Why don’t we all just kiss?” 

“Hold on-” The Galaxy protested. 

“You know very well that kisses between more than two people are always messy, like, you can physically only kiss a person at once, or you’re having like two guys kissing and one trying to stick his tongue in the middle.” Sunoo laughed, curious about what was going on inside Jay’s head.

“Never describe it again, that’s the grossest thing I ever heard.” The Galaxy begged. 

“Not like this, I’m talking about-” He turned to Sunghoon, kissing him like his goal was to take his soul away from him, getting apart before both got out of breath. “Now we kiss someone else, go.” 

“I can’t believe you’re doing it-” Sunoo tried to object, but he blinked and now Jay was on his lap, kissing him like the world was ending, grinding on his lap and all. 

“You are all freaks.” Sunghoon laughed nervously as Heeseung stared at him, shrugging and deciding to follow along, getting closer and starting to grab and rake Jay’s waist, kissing and biting his neck and back while Sunoo did his job. 

“We’re going to have a talk, young man.” Sunghoon stood, tugging Thom with him and leading him toward a quiet corner in the room.“Were you really thinking of not telling me you have a crush on me since basically forever?”

“See, My Prince, I’m shy! And you were always the kind that always… And you’ve always been the kind of guy who… I don’t know. You just never seemed like you were looking for a relationship. So why would I risk making things weird between us?” He explained, his gaze wandering around the room. It was something Thom always did: Avoid eye contact.

“It wouldn’t. Honestly, I don’t think anything would mess our friendship up or something. Actually, I don’t think we can mess our friendship up, it’s been too long since we’ve been on this boat, it must be unsinkable at this point.” Sunghoon shrugged, holding his gaze just long enough for a burst of laughter to hit, dizzy and unstoppable. “Why am I still high?”

“You’re high? I think I am too… I never imagined I’d ever be. I just feel like I’m… Floating or something.” Thom gave a shy laugh.

“I feel the same, that’s ok.” Sunghoon smiled, his thoughts bleeding into his actions until he caught himself staring at Thom’s lips. Thom noticed, his cheeks blooming red were the proof of it. “Have you ever kissed someone?” Sunghoon asked.

“Not really.” Thom whispered. 

“May I be your first kiss, then?” He stepped closer, taking Thom’s hands and guiding one to his waist and the other to the back of his neck. Thom only nodded, breath uneven, up for whatever Sunghoon was ready to give.

Sunghoon’s smile softened as he leaned in. Thom’s grip on his waist tightened, then loosened; The clumsy rhythm of a first kiss, especially with the boy you’ve liked for so long. Sunghoon let him adjust, then drew him closer, brushing his tongue lightly against Thom’s lips until he felt the tension melt away. For a moment, the world stopped spinning, the universe pausing to watch two boys finally fulfill the wish they’d been holding onto for ages. 

Since he started the kiss, Sunghoon was the one to end it, pulling back with a tender smile. “You’re such a good boy, Thommy. That was amazing, didn’t even seem like your first time.”

Thom’s cheeks flamed. “Are we really doing this here? With them watching?”

“They’re not even looking, they’ve got better things to-” Sunghoon stopped mid-sentence when he spotted the three of them staring like they were watching a romance film.

“I hope you don’t mind, then.” Jay said with a chuckle.

“Fuck off.” Sunghoon muttered, rolling his eyes. The Galaxy only smiled, holding Sunghoon’s hand and guiding him to the mattress, sitting there. Sunoo was wedged comfortably across both Heeseung and Jay’s laps, the three of them tangled together in a lazy sprawl. “So..” Sunghoon asked, glancing between them. “What are we doing now?”

“Now we’re adding you both to the mess.” Jay shifted on the mattress, sitting properly this time.

“Grab your boy and we share Sunoo.” Azriel murmured to Sunghoon, earning a giggle.

“Deal.” Sunghoon smiled, grabbing Sunoo by his collar and kissing him unapologetically. 

“What the fuck, I though I was your boy!” Jay pouted, deciding to let Heeseung and The Galaxy to their own chaos and focus on his boys. Leaning in, he pressed a kiss to the hickey he gave him before on his neck and stroked the line of his back, smiling to them. “You both look so good together.” He whispered. 

“Didn’t know you were a voyeur, Jay.” Sunoo teased as Sunghoon had his time biting and kissing his neck. “Hey- When did you learn how to give hickeys?” 

“Curiosity.” Sunghoon shrugged, leaving another mark just to prove he could. 

“Let’s try it like this.” Jay guided Sunghoon to straddle one of Sunoo’s thighs. Sunoo’s grin widened like he already knew the game. “Follow my lead, hm?” 

“Okay?” Sunghoon blinked, confused. What was with the giggling between them? He couldn’t figure it out until Jay’s hands settled on his hips and urged him forward. The motion made everything click. “I can’t believe you’re both plotting against me- Fuck, Sunoo, what are you-”

“Trust me.” Sunoo’s voice was low as he tugged Sunghoon’s shirt open, filling his hands on the soft swells there, his thumbs circling over the sensitive peaks before giving a deliberate squeeze. Sunghoon gasped, immediately covering his mouth with one hand. Muffled curses slipping past his fingers. “ Our boy liked it.” Sunoo said in a smirk

“I knew he would.” Jay murmured against Sunghoon’s ear, letting his teeth graze the edge before pulling back. “Think you can do it without me, baby?” His hands slipped away, but Sunghoon kept moving, chasing the friction like he’d been starved for it.

“It’s always Jay Park and his need to make things interesting?” Heeseung pressed a kiss to Jay’s cheek while The Galaxy tangled themselves up with Sunoo, lips pressed lazily to his cheek. With his terrible attention span, Sunoo cupped his hands on The Galaxy’s face, getting a smile out of the latest between the kiss. 

Sunghoon didn’t seem to like it. He turned abruptly, climbing into Jay’s lap and locking his arms around him. “Can I keep grinding on you?”

Jay’s eyes flicked surprisingly to Heeseung, who barely held back a laugh.“My boy is really that needy, hm? That’s alright, baby, keep going on, just.. Carefully, ok? We don’t want to make a mess here, I don’t think I have more boxers to lend you..” 

“Shut up.” Sunghoon’s words were muffled into Jay’s neck as he moved again, hands gripping Jay’s shoulders like they were the only stable thing in the world and his face buried on Jay’s neck, muffling the sounds he was making so he wouldn’t get too loud. 

“Was it the weed or the alcohol?” Heeseung asked, watching The Galaxy dissolve into giggles as Sunoo kissed and teased them. It looked like Jake, maybe that’s why Sunoo was going so soft with it. 

“I don’t know.” Sunghoon murmured against Jay’s skin. “I think I never felt like this before, like, you know, I thought having an eating disorder since such a young age would have killed my sex drive by now. Guess I was very wrong.” 

“That must mean you’re-” Jay elbowed him, before he could say something dumb. He snapped his fingers to get his attention and then lifted two fingers, as a way to say ‘Both’. Ethan laughed. 

“Baby,” Jay whispered gently, kissing the corner of Sunghoon’s jaw. “do you want to find somewhere private? You’re liking this a little too much.” Jay whispered, kissing Sunghoon’s neck and stroking his back. 

“I don’t want it to stop, but I don’t want to.. Do it here.” Sunghoon confessed, shyly. 

“Then we stop.” Jay said gently. “We can pick this up again at my place someday.” He adjusted so Sunghoon sat between his legs, leaning comfortably against him. 

“Do we have to kiss everyone?” Sunghoon asked as The Galaxy kissed him again, smiling back at them. 

“It would be fun..” The Galaxy smiled, trying to remember who they had already kissed. “Can I kiss Jay? It can be just a peck, if you mind.”

“I don’t, that’s okay.” He shrugged, calling them closer and kissing their lips softly, stroking his hair, giving him a peck before getting apart. “It was nice.” 

“It sure was.” They smiled back. 

Sunghoon got up from Jay’s lap and turned to Heeseung, cupping his face and kissing him, getting apart a little after. Sunoo and The Galaxy giggled as they noticed Jay’s face burning red. 

“I think someone liked it a bit too much.” Sunoo giggled, watching as everyone fell into their places again. “Now we’re going to sleep, right? Please, I feel so sleepy when I’m high.” He pouted, falling into the mattress. 

“I’m getting water and cups so we can take our meds, because I know all of you take tons of medication.” Heeseung declared, getting on his feet. He decided to take his shirt off so ‘Sunghoon wouldn’t be the only one shirtless’. “The sun is coming up, damn.”

“We’re going to wake up by, like, three in the afternoon.” Sunghoon laid down next to Sunoo and the youngest took over the opportunity and got his hands on one of his breasts again, squishing softly. “I’m not even going to ask you why.”

“Feels like a stressball.” He giggled. Jay laid next to Sunghoon, doing the same as Sunoo.

“You two really have nothing better to do.” He shook his head. “Isn’t it, like, too small or-”

“It fits perfectly in my hand, so I think it's perfect.” Jay shrugged, sitting again as Heeseung got back with a waterbottle, cups and shot cups. “Are we taking shots again?”

“It’s for the meds, no way in hell we’re drinking again.” As he poured water into the cups, the others got up to get their meds, getting back quickly. Jay was back with Heeseung’s medication too. They all popped the medication into the shot cups, as Heeseung intended. “Cheers?”

The four of them laughed. “Cheers.” Jay shrugged, lifting the small cups before taking the pills, drinking the water Heeseung gave them. 

Chapter Text

“the white room xx” 

@ THEICEPRINCE changed groupchat name to “the white room xx - BDAY ERA”

@RIKI_TIKI_NIKI

who

@ THEICEPRINCE

galaxy’s!

the triplets

@RIKI_TIKI_NIKI

oh!

@ HSNG_01 

how am i supposed to find three gifts out of nowhere

anyway happy birthday..

@ ITBOY_JPARK

happy birthday triplets (idk who the triplets are)

@ KXMSCENEOO

jake, thomas and claire

@ ITBOY_JPARK

wait they got a girl in there??

@ GALAXYSHIM

Heyy

Thanks for the kindness

We can’t wait to meet up with you

We were thinking of going to the convenience store near Island today

Yk

Having cake together, like, all of us? After therapy.

@RIKI_TIKI_NIKI

sounds lovely

i’m in. 

@ THEO_YANG

deal then. 

Jungwon shoved his phone down his pocket again, walking around his half empty classroom. It was their last day at school, now literally. They won’t be highschoolers anymore after going home that day. There were people crying everywhere, sad because they won’t see their friends and teachers anymore… Bullshit. For Jungwon, that was what it looked like. 

For once, he’d shown up determined; Heavy eyeliner, ripped jacket, punk boots. The version of himself he’d never dared to be, at least not until that day. At least for his last day, Jungwon was invited to sit with a group of classmates. Progress, maybe.

“You should’ve tried this style earlier, Wonnie, it looks sick on you.” Ahyeon stroked his cheek, smiling at him. Jungwon just gave her a crooked smile. They were passing a pink water bottle amongst them, which was full of strawberry-flavoured soju. Jungwon took one sip and declared he was done for today. Even almost a week after the weekend he spent at Heeseung’s, he was still dealing with some consequences of drinking his body weight in alcohol. 

“It took me forever to psych myself up for this. I can’t imagine doing this everyday.” His shrug earned a few side-eyes. Whatever. He was already waiting for that, he knew they would do that. Everyone always did. “So, what are your plans-”

“What about that place you go, Won? That Island-something..” Leejeong cut in. He was a self proclaimed bad boy, even when he was the boring kind: The cruel-for-fun kind who certainly thought being ableist, homophobic and worse would make him cooler. Nothing like real bad boys like Jay, who were probably cringe, but one of the best people Jungwon ever met. “I have a cousin that attends therapy there, I thought it was only for autistic children..” 

“It’s a recovery center. Therapy, physio, rehab. For anyone.” Jungwon replied flatly.

“I heard that flamboyant study-hall guy goes too.” Jueun snorted, almost choking back laughter.

“You could’ve just said he’s gay, Ju.” Leejeong rolled his eyes. “It’s such a ‘him’ thing to do, being there, right? I’ve heard he’s a junkie, and that he was kind of a maniac when he was in high school, cutting himself in every bathroom and shit. What a weirdo... At least he’s smart, I guess.” 

“He’s a pretty nice guy, we do therapy together, you know?” Jungwon’s patience wore out. “I’ll walk around, please take care. And open the windows, the whole room reeks of alcohol.” He shrugged, getting his backpack and leaving. 

Bag slung over his shoulder, he left. They were idiots, what was their problem? Being cruel didn’t make them interesting, just dumb. His arms itched. It was always like this, stress bringing over the itch, the urge. He hated it, that was why he always preferred to be an outcast.

He sighed, grabbing his cellphone again. 

@ THEO_YANG

still @ school?

@ KXMSCENEOO

yeah

why

@ THEO_YANG

im alone

being around my classmates makes me want to die

@ KXMSCENEOO

its the last day at least

im outside, by the back garden

come here

Jungwon stopped by a window, the one he knew was pointed in that direction, overlooking the garden. He saw Sunoo sitting on a bench, on his own, holding both his vape and his phone in the same hand. Jungwon sprinted to the exit and dropped beside him.

“Oh, so you can run? Doesn’t suit you, honestly.” The foxy boy laughed, blowing smoke in a thin stream. He offered the vape. 

“I’m not the one who calls in sick every P.E class.” Jungwon shot back, taking a drag once. “I kinda like it, actually. If I find a sport that suits me, I’d try it. Also, this tastes way better than cigarettes.”

“Now you get why vapes are worse for your health.” Sunoo smiled faintly, sighing as his phone lit again.

“It seems you have a lot on your mind, what a heavy sigh.” Jungwon thought too loud, receiving a puzzled look from Sunoo. “This is how I imagine heavy sighs like when I’m reading fanfics.” 

Sunoo laughed, real and sharp.“Talking to you is unpredictable. I like it.” He crossed his legs, exhaling. “Anyway… college apps. I’m supposed to go for business school.”

Jungwon frowned. “Didn’t you want game design?”

“I do! That’s my biggest problem… My mom wants business, says I should help with family stuff, but I don’t want it. I want to apply for game design.” He tugged the vape back.

“Do it, then.” Jungwon leaned against his shoulder. “It’s your life, they already have theirs... I would understand if, I don’t know, you had to do it for a living, but you don’t seem like... Hm...”

Sunoo chuckled, brushing his hair. “You’re right. We can afford it. I’m just… scared. Maybe scared of them.” Another sigh, this one even heavier.

“Apply to game design then. I’m going to be real with you, like, 100%: You already have your problems, you’re all broken, we all are, do you want even more? Would you rather have to study for something that’s far from what you like or for something you’re interested in? Spare yourself.” Jungwon shrugged, getting his tangle from one of his pockets. “If I was in your shoes, I would apply for whatever I like. I’m already ADHD, I can barely focus on what I like, if I had to study something I hated I’d fail in a week.” Both of them laughed, feeling comfortable around each other. “Should I start thinking about going to college? I think I’ll apply just by the end of next year, but I have to consider options, right?” 

“You never thought about it?” The older asked. 

“I never bothered, like, first things first: I never expected I would live past fifteen, but I’m almost nineteen now, you know? I never planned a thing in my whole life because I was supposed to be dead, but here I am! I’ve got a pulse and I’m breathing, I’m pretty much alive and I need to do something about it...” A bitter and hollow laugh came past The Highschooler’s lips.

“I get it,” Sunoo murmured, threading their hands together. “Same happened to me.”

“And? How’d you deal with it? Enough to know what you want to do for a living now.” Jungwon asked quietly, almost pleading for some instruction.

Sunoo thought, then said: “My mom and sister basically ordered me to stay alive. And gaming kept me alive when I was dipping. If something saved me once, maybe it’ll save me again. That’s why I want it. If I like it so much, then working with it will be alright.” Jungwon sighed into the warmth of Sunoo’s hand. 

“I think I have a year to find out what I want to study.” He let his mind rest a little, observing as people ran and walked through the school. “I wanted to do everything I never did for my last day at school, just to say I did everything, you know?” 

“What have you done, then? Besides deciding to look like a biker today, I guess... You look hot like this.” Sunoo smirked. 

“I think this is the first time in my whole life someone tells me I’m hot...” He gave him a shy laugh. “Well, I’m using my backpack, but it's basically empty. I just have my water bottle and some random things there. I drank with my peers, but just a bit because my body is still hazy from Heeseung’s; I sat and had a conversation with my classmates, but they’re all dumb, so whatever, and now I’m basically skipping class with you, and I know there’s no classes to attend, you got it, right?” 

“Yeah, Won, of course.” Sunoo smiled, pocketing his phone and vape. “What else do you want to do? Or have you already done everything on your list?” 

“I never kissed someone at school.” Jungwon smirked, simply shrugging at it. The way he said it made Sunoo tilt his head.

“For real?” Kim asked back, arms crossing.

“Yeah. I dated a bit, but kisses always happened outside. We were afraid of... Getting caught? Most of the time it came from their side, like, being afraid because their parents weren’t okay with engaging in relationships at school, or because they weren’t out yet... Anyways, things I always knew my mom wouldn’t care about at all.” He confessed, voice flat. 

“Well, I know some friends here, you can pick one of them and I can make it work.” Sunoo’s giggle turned into a full bodied laugh when Jungwon shot him a look. “What?” 

“Why can’t I just kiss you?” Jungwon protested. “It’s easier! Why would we do it the hardest way?” 

“I was joking. Wanted to see what you’d say.” Sunoo confessed, sliding an arm around his waist and pulling him closer, watching as the boy shoved his tangle back into the bag, inching towards. “I won’t mind if you sit on my lap, you know?” 

“What if someone sees us?” Yang whispered, lip caught between his teeth. Wasn’t he so confident like three minutes ago? 

“What would they do? Call our parents? Get you in detention? It’s the last day, c’mon, no one really cares about whatever happens here… But don’t worry, we can do it this way too.” Sunoo pulled Jungwon closer, almost laying him on top of his body while slowly laying his back against the bench’s armrest. 

“We could’ve just kissed sitting straight,” Jungwon muttered, earning a grin.

“It would be no fun.” Sunoo shrugged back, cupping Jungwon’s puffy cheeks, stroking the silky skin with this thumb, his other hand pressing lightly at Jungwon’s waist. He leaned in, kissing the younger’s lips gently.

Jungwon reacted as gently as him, caressing his hair. Sunoo’s lips tasted too much like cherry, how did he do that? It didn’t seem it was just from lipstick, maybe it was gum then? Jungwon didn’t even like cherry that much. He pressed his tongue against Sunoo’s lips, making his way to a tongue kiss. He grabbed the older’s hair not so gently, like he was testing him to see how he would react. His reaction came instantly: He shoved his hand under Jungwon’s shirt, clawing his waist and digging his nails into Yang’s skin. They were starting to become a mess of kissing, clawing, biting, pushing and pulling here and there… Who knows where they would end up if the alarm bell didn’t interrupt them? Both of them felt the ring vibrating inside their brain, distancing themselves again. Jungwon stared at Sunoo until looking at him made sense again, his t-shirt all wrinkled and he could see his smudged lipgloss all over his mouth, which meant his own lips looked the same. Sunoo cracked a laugh while sitting properly on the bench again, giving himself a big stretch. 

“You look scared.” Sunoo stated with a funny smile. 

“I feel my brain vibrating from the bell, and I like your... I like your kiss, it’s very nice.” He nodded with his head, not directly looking at Sunoo, still organizing his thoughts. Sunoo just giggled about it, kissing his forehead and getting on his feet. 

“My kiss is very nice... That’s such a Jungwon thing to say.” He smiled, pacing freely around the bench, giving him his time. “Are you going home?”

“Yeah, do you want to come together?” Yang asked, not knowing why he asked him that. Most times, Jungwon forgets he actually has to think before saying anything. 

“Oh? Wouldn’t it bother you?” Sunoo questioned, confusedly. 

“Not at all, that's ok! We can have lunch together and go to Island later, right?” The youngest took a deep breath, getting up and taking Sunoo by the hand. “Do you mind if we walk there?” 

“Nah, I like to walk, especially if I’m talking with someone.” He smiled, following Jungwon like his shadow. “Why Theo? Like, all your socials’ handles are Theo..” 

“It was a nickname, but at this point it should be like, my american name or something.. It came from Theodore, you know, from Alvin and the Chipmunks? My brother gave me this nickname. He calls me Theo and I call him Nick, like the fox from Zootopia.” Jungwon explained, guiding Sunoo through the streets he was used to walking everyday. 

“Sick! I have other name too, like, Jay gave me one, or Heeseung, I don’t remember, they have this thing of calling each other only by Jay and Ethan, since they’re both, like, half-something, you know? Then one day I came by their place and they gave me a name. It was Liam, from William. I kinda like it, it's like a prince name or something.” He rambled on while fidgeting with his bracelets, noticing Jungwon had been quiet for too long, scratching his arms from over his sleeves. ‘Have I said something wrong?’ 

“It was definitely something to find out Jay harms himself too. Like, I caught him staring at my arms at Heeseung’s and stared back, he wasn’t that different from me, like, his arms, you know?” Jungwon crossed his arms, trying to restrain himself from scratching. “It was far earlier than the moment he told everyone his blade was yours, by the way.”

“Yeah, Jay always found ways to wreck himself. I think cutting’s not even the worst of it.” Sunoo brushed it off, noticing Jungwon just looking restless. “You okay?”

“I’m sorry, I- Can I talk about it?” He asked, like something would explode inside him if he didn’t. “I don’t want to trigger you.”

“You don't, really. You can talk to me about everything, and that’s genuine, alright?” Sunoo locked their arms, getting even closer to him. 

“Thank you, really.” He sighed in relief. “I never had a conversation about this, like, face to face… I just... Have you already recovered? Just to be sure..”

“I’m not sure? I’ve been worse, but nowadays I just, I don’t know, I think I’m too lazy to do it. I don’t really know where it came from, but it’s just too much, you know? The aftercare, hiding it... I’m definitely too lazy for it.” He tried laughing it off, but Jungwon was still tense. 

“I don’t think I even want to recover, like... Why would I do this? But sometimes I feel like I do, most of the time because I'm too lazy to care for myself, that’s why I have ugly scars: I don’t care, I just barely wash it and that’s all! I don’t have energy to do more than that. And I hate that I feel like this controls me more than I control it. Sometimes, even knowing I shouldn’t, I still do it, and I do it for no reason! Fuck, I cut every time I’m bored, you know? And I try to resist, but I feel like nothing is really better than it. Sometimes, nothing around me makes sense until I hurt myself, then I do it, and it's like my mind gets just so clean that I can finally think straight again.” Jungwon tried to swallow down what felt like a thousand thorns ripping his throat from the inside. They stopped in front of Jungwon’s house. It wasn’t that big, but looked comfortable. He hoped Sunoo wouldn’t care about it as his house was probably far bigger than Jungwon’s. “Do you think I’m addicted to harming myself? Does it look like it?”

“Yeah, totally.” Kim totally ignored how Yang’s voice was shaky, answering him on spot. “I hope you find something better. I know it sounds impossible, but I’m really hoping it happens. Oh, yeah, please, no matter what you do, just don’t do drugs. I’m not joking, please don’t do it.” His voice felt heavy. Jungwon glanced at him a bit before nodding, letting them in.

Upstairs, Jungwon’s bedroom was messy but cozy, just like everyone would imagine a teenager’s bedroom to be. He opened the windows and shoved a few things under the bed before sitting down, watching Sunoo follow. 

“Sure you’re ok? I’m sorry if I triggered you.” Kim asked, holding his hand again.

“I’m not triggered, I’m just… Frustrated, I don’t know-” Jungwon startled at a sudden voice, clearly hearing something Sunoo didn’t. “For fuck’s sake...”

“What hap-” 

“Jungwon, can you come here, please?” Sunoo recognized that voice. It was from Jungwon’s brother, right. 

“No.” Jungwon snapped.

“Cute that you think you have a choice. Now.” He demanded. Jungwon rolled his eyes, mouthing ‘Wait.’ to Sunoo. He scratched his arm again, forcing himself up and going to his brother. ‘Why is he so angry?’ 

Jungwon faced his brother, biting back a laugh when he noticed how funny it was to see his brother’s face unshaved. It was the first time he saw Jeongin that week as the boy spent his final’s week at Hyunjin’s. But why was he-

Oh. Oh.

Fuck. 

“What’s with your face?” He asked, still sustaining a long dead squared smile. 

“Where are all the disposable razors? Why are they gone?” He asked, with his expression looking like it was carved from stone. 

“Why would I know?” Jungwon lifted his shoulders in a shrug. 

“Oh, please, be serious. We’re the only men in the house, and we had a total of three of it for each one of us. I used only one, so why do I have none? Where are they?” Jeongin scoffed. 

“Fuck if I know...” His indifference weighed down his tone. Why was Jeongin being so annoying about it? He could just buy a new one. His arms itched once again and he scratched before crossing them again. Jeongin’s weight felt heavy in his arms. ‘Fuck.’ 

Jeongin dragged his hands down his face, deeply sighing. “When will you grow out of it? Seriously, it has been years.. “ 

“I haven’t used my last one, you can have it, I don’t mind.” Jungwon wouldn’t try to look at his eyes, he preferred to spare both his brother and himself.

“I don’t care, I can buy one, I just asked because I was seriously hoping you had nothing to do with it.” The older tried to get closer, but Jungwon stepped back.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. My friend’s here, by the way. We are in group therapy together, we’ll just eat, rest for a while and leave. Oh, I might get home a bit late today, we’ll get something to eat together because it’s Jake’s birthday today. I think me and Niki might go straight from there to work, actually. Anyways, Sunoo? Leave your bag here, let’s go downstairs.” He turned back so quickly his brother couldn’t process what he had just said, grabbing Sunoo’s hand and guiding him to the kitchen. “Sorry for whatever that was.”

“That’s ok, I’ve had these kinds of arguments with my sister too.” Sunoo lightly smiled, trying to ease the weight.

°°°

@ GALAXYSHIM

Hey -C

Are you guys coming today? 

We might be a bit anxious, I guess. We came to Island a whole hour early.

Azzy took us skating, I think this is his way of giving us a birthday gift.

Cute. 

@ KXMSCENEOO

hi baby

happy birthday! 

yeah, i’m coming. actually im on my way. 

i’m with jungwon. 

we met at school, walked together to his home.. 

man. 

i went through that kind of embarrassing situation when you’re with a friend and his parents start arguing with him out of nowhere

but it was his brother

anyways

i never thought i would go through this situation again since sixth grade.

whatever. 

i think i learned more about him today. and i kinda think he trusts me. 

@ GALAXYSHIM

tell him i said hi -A

gross. -C

@ THEICEPRINCE

happy birthday sweethearts! 

your gift is late, something with the delivery service. i can give it to you next week, ok? 

i think i own thom a birthday kiss. we can work on it later.

@ GALAXYSHIM

STOP ITTTT -C

gross gross gross

ewwwww 

@ THEICEPRINCE

the day claire finds a partner is the day ill say to her exactly what she’s been saying to us every time we mention anything barely romantic.

is jungwon okay, by the way?

@ KXMSCENEOO

kinda. 

struggling a little with his mental health

but aren’t we all? 

@ THEICEPRINCE

he sounded alright at heeseung’s

he looks like a good kid

sometimes he sounds like you, sunoo. 

like, sassy, full of attitude on his tone

@ KXMSCENEOO

i never noticed this

so i will consider you’re going crazy :P 

The boys dropped by the skatepark across Island, but Sunoo noticed Jeongin going inside Island after parking. Jungwon was already talking to The Galaxy, finally as he spent the whole last hour in deep silence. He wouldn’t tell him whatever Jeongin was doing, Jungwon already wasn’t having a great day. He followed him in silence, sitting next to them on the bench where their bags were. Sunoo sighed and grabbed his bag, seeking restlessly until he found a pack of cigars, cherry flavoured cigars. The smoke felt heavy on his lungs, he was indeed smoking too much for that week. Maybe it was the pressure from the college applications weighing him down, maybe it was the boredom of stabilizing his moods again.. He had his guesses, and hoped he would get better as soon as everything came back to normal. 

Both Sunghoon and the Galaxy recognized when Sunoo lost himself on his own thoughts, the way his gaze looked empty was always like nothing they’d see Sunoo looking normally, and they knew that trying to understand what was happening inside his mind would worsen the situation, so leaving him there was the best they could do, allowing Sunoo to process his own feelings.

But Heeseung knew nothing about it, and seeing Sunoo looking totally dissociated from his surroundings like this was almost creepy. Especially by the fact he was staring at somewhere so intensely he barely blinked. 

“Are you alright?” He squeezed Sunoo’s shoulder, receiving a deadly stare from him. “What?” 

“When did you get here? And why can’t you just leave me alone? My god.” He cried, sighing as he got another cigar from the pack. What even was that strange silence? Sunoo looked around, just to notice everyone was already gone, leaving behind just him and Heeseung. “They already went in?” 

“Yeah.” Heeseung shrugged, lighting up his own cigar. Sunoo heard a strange unwrapping sound, peaking to its direction, just to see Jay eating a small bar of chocolate. 

“What the hell are you doing?” He held a laugh back. 

“I’m trying to test how far I can go staying sober. Like, sober of everything.” Jay replied, indifferent. Like it wasn’t the big deal that it actually was... Sunoo knew well Jay was a junkie for as long as he himself was, he could remember Jay coming to school trashed in eighth grade, or both of them using the school break as a smoke break together. Their first conversations happened there. 

“Why are you doing it cold turkey style? Are you dumb?” Sunoo scoffed. When did Jay develop such great self control? For him to be near both of his friends smoking and act so chill about it…

“I just felt like doing it, and it had to be this way, like, really. It had to be this specific way.” His laugh sounded nervous. “Maybe I’m a bit OCD, I don’t know. Maybe it's contagious, I’m spending too much time with Sunghoon, y’know?”

“Yeah, that’s the Jay I know.” Sunoo rolled his eyes, tossing his bag over his shoulder. “We’re already late, let’s go.” He threw the filter away, stepping on it. Ethan did the same. 

The three of them got to the room together, entering it like they weren’t even late to the meeting! The atmosphere was great, there was laughing and everything felt lighter, so light they barely noticed a second doctor there. None of them were sure about what she was doing there or who she was, but all of them were still welcoming her, apparently. 

“Hey, so, we just made up a rule for today: Just positive things, alright?” Sunghoon announced, mid-laugh. What could be so funny? Sunoo sat down next to The Galaxy, already bored, leaning on their shoulder. 

“Alright.” Jay shrugged, sitting down and pulling Heeseung with him. “Can I start?”

“I’m curious by your reaction, Jay, what do you have to say?” Dr. Kang slightly tilted her head, interested. 

“I’m sober, like, I’ve been for this week. Sober of everything, by the way… I know it isn’t easy to stay sober, but let’s see how long I can go. It’s been hell and I think I actually developed a sugar addiction instead, but it’s alright. I think I’m alright. I hope I’m alright.” He chuckled awkwardly. 

“Now it’s when we’ll address your insane levels of anxiety?” Heeseung mumbled, coughing to hide his words. “Only positive things, my bad.” 

“Sucker.” Jay spat, getting a lollipop from his pocket. He wasn’t joking when he said he was getting a sugar addiction. “Now say something! You already did, just do it then..”

“Alright, hm.. Oh! Dr. Kang, I don’t know if someone already said it, sorry, I was late, hm... We spent the whole weekend at my house, like, all of us... It was a nice experience, like, bonding and all…” Heeseung smiled, almost shyly. 

“I think they forgot to tell us about it. Well, that’s a great thing to know! It says a lot about your own personal growth. Niki’s finally doing things a teenager would do, right? Without his parents always in his shadow. And all of you finally getting together healthily, without fighting that much as it happened when you first got here. That’s really great, honestly.” She sounded so proud it was heartwarming. 

“We kinda had to lie to my parents to convince them, especially my father, that there would be girls there with us, but nonetheless, it was a great experience! I really felt like I was a normal teenager for once!” Niki’s smile was sincere, his eyes totally full of glee. “This was my positive thing of the week, by the way, this and the fact that my year end presentation is right around the corner, finally! You are all invited, by the way.” He still had his smile. It was noticeable how Niki looked better that week. 

“I think my thing was having my last day at school today. I went to school like… This, and spent the last day with- Well, I tried to spend it with my classmates, but they’re all assholes, so I gave up and met Sunoo, and spent my last day with him.” Jungwon explained, focused on a stim toy he had brought with him. 

“Jungwon’s a sweetheart, it was nice to spend the day with him.” Sunoo smiled, blowing a kiss to Jungwon. “He helped me earlier with this, by the way... I submitted my college app for game design. I was uncertain about it, because my mom wanted me to apply to business, right? But, after talking to Jungwon and reflecting on it, I decided to just study whatever I want.” He smiled, slightly proud of himself. Jay started a round of applause and the boys all followed. 

“Can I say my ‘thing’ is that today is our birthday? Or do I have to make up something?” The Galaxy chuckled, looking even more whimsical that day. It was clear Claire was the one that chose their style on that day, she would always make sure to look eccentric herself. 

“I think surviving one more year is good enough.” Kang said in a smile. 

“I don’t really have something to say like everyone, I guess, nothing that interesting happened.” Sunghoon muttered, disappointed. “But I’m glad we’ll go out together to celebrate The Galaxy’s birthday. I'm starting to like when everyone comes together like this. I won’t be the first to say I like them as a friend group, so, please, someone say it so I can agree.” Sunghoon’s laugh was contagious. 

The group was in such a good mood, it was lovely! But, as they talked, something still felt.. Off? The foxy boy noticed Jungwon slowly falling quiet, just observing and sometimes staring strangely at the new doctor, what was happening with him? Sunoo still interacted with the group, but most of his attention still settled on the younger. When the meeting ended, he tried to be the first one to leave, but the doctor asked him to stay a little longer, and his answer was.. Well, unexpected.

“I want Sunoo with me.” He responded almost instantly. The whole group looked puzzled. “Emotional support.” Their gaze fell into Sunoo, who just gave them a squared, confused smile.

“Alright. You guys can wait for us downstairs, or outside, I don't know, we will be here soon.” Kim said confidently, almost manifesting it. The group left together, looking like a little swarm of bugs.

“Jungwon, we are talking about something personal, do you really want Sunoo to be involved? Are you sure?” Dr. Kang asked.

“Yes. I know why I’m here, he knows too, that's ok.” He nodded with his head, the same stoned-expression from his brother. Sunoo clearly didn't know what to do, so he just stood behind Jungwon, holding his hand. The doctors exchanged uncertain glances, deciding to go on with the talk.

“I know we will discuss it at our next meeting, but we need to have a talk about it now, okay?” The doctor Sunoo didn't know started. “Did something happen to you, Jungwon? Anything different?”

“No, Doctor Haerim. I'm good as always.” He reassured her. “It was my brother, wasn't it?” Jungwon understood just by the click on her tongue. “It wasn't as recent as he thought, actually...” He put his arm in front of his own face, in a way only him and Sunoo could see when he pulled his sleeve, fixing it before he crossed his arms. “I think it's been ten days or something...” Devil. Jungwon was the pure devil.

“Jungwon, he's worried, we're all worried. You're getting more and more drawn to isolating yourself in your own mind, Dr. Kang said to me and I had to check it myself. Please, Jungwon, we're only trying to help.” She sighed, almost begging him to finally let some help in. Sunoo’s heart ached a little.

“I was only ‘isolated’ today because I came to group therapy and suddenly my therapist was in the room! I knew something was off. And I'm not having the best afternoon, you know?” Yang showed indifference.

She was silent for a few seconds, trying to find the right way to say whatever she wanted. “By our next meeting, I want you to make me a list of at least ten things you’d like to try, like a hobby, or any different experience, alright? Can we do it like this?”

“Yes, Doctor Haerim.” He mumbled. 

“And please, take care of your wounds, alright? You're such a sweet boy, you deserve to be cared for, Jungwon. You really do.” She smiled, lightly.

“Yes, Doctor Haerim.” He nodded, tightening the grip on Sunoo's hand. In a silent agreement, the boys left the room.

“Why is your therapist so chill about you cutting? My second therapist dropped me because she couldn't bear me hurting myself.” Kim asked.

“I don't know. She's worried, I know, but she understands she can't force me to do anything I don't want. She makes clear she's open and waiting for the day I will try recovery again, but she respects me. Well, she respects me but she already let me know that, if someday I cross the line, she won't hesitate to go in the opposite direction we are now, got it?” He explained, getting to the group. “Hey! Where's The Galaxy?” 

“Went first with Jay to buy the things.” Heeseung explained, with a cigarette already between his fingers. Sunoo pulled one for himself from his pocket, lighting it up.

“Why Jay?” Kim asked, as Jungwon joined Sunghoon and Niki talking about ballet, apparently.

“Needed a lollipop.” Heeseung shrugged. “Either he's going to heavily withdraw by the middle of next week or he will end up diabetic, there's no in between.” 

“If I eat the amount of sugar he seems to be eating now, I think my stomach would have already given up on me.” He sighed. “I think it's better my stomach than my lungs, right?”

“I can deal with not having lungs anymore, but I draw the line with being poked by needles everyday because of diabetes.” The oldest’s face twisted in a disgusted expression.

“Are you afraid of needles?” Silence. “Oh? Deadass?” 

“It doesn't matter to you, doesn't matter.” Heeseung whined and Sunoo bursted in laughter.

When they noticed, they were already by the convenience store. The Galaxy and Jay were sat by a table beside the store, with a box of cupcakes in which the three in the middle had a single candle in each: Blue, Pink and Blue. Sunghoon did the photos, doing it quickly so they could go on with the little ceremony.

“Do you want us to sing happy birthday or..?” Sunghoon asked.

“I think just blowing the candles is enough. Can someone lend me a lighter?” They asked. 

“I don't have one.” Jay’s shoulders showed indifference, hiding the fact he was almost bragging about being sober. 

“Don't worry, sweethearts.” Sunoo took his lighter, lighting up their candles.

 A brief moment of silence while they close their eyes, making their wish before blowing the candles. 

“Thank you for being here, it means a lot to me, honestly.” The Galaxy thanked, already picking up one of their cupcakes, flicking the candle out. “If we were to have a family, I think I'd wish it was as supportive as you guys.”

“Don't say it ever again or I'll cry, I'm being serious.” Jay demanded, earning laughs from those around him.

“Are you cute when you cry, Jay? I really don't think so.” Sunghoon asked, getting closer to The Galaxy and kissing them gently. “This was for Thommy, alright? Happy birthday, my good boy.” He whispered, laughing as he noticed how red their face had turned.

“My turn, my turn!” Sunoo smiled, kissing them passionately. It was obvious The Galaxy was positively overwhelmed by the kisses. “This's for Jake.” 

“Don’t kiss in front of food, that's gross.” Jay argued, already with his face full of crumbles and whipped cream.

“You literally just made this up right now.” Jungwon added, carefully eating his cupcake, unlike Sunghoon, who was reaching for seconds. 

“Let's just eat, alright? We can kiss more after.” The Galaxy declared with a gentle smile. If only they could freeze that moment and live there forever… They stared at the six of them for a bit longer, trying to absorb what was happening. The feeling of being loved tasted bitter on the bottom of their throat. They felt Dahlia coming too close and decided to take a deep breath, focusing on the sweet taste of their cupcakes and how great it was to be around people they love.