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Atsushi was never accustomed to eating food regularly. Ever since he can remember, he treated food as a luxury instead of a necessity for survival.
He was often starved by the workers of the orphanage. He would only be given food when his life was on the line, which wasn't quite often due to the tiger within him preventing him from dieing. Although that didn't sit very well with him. If they hated him to the point where they gagged when witnessing the his malnourished and bloody figure, then why did they keep him alive? Just to torture him? Was it some kind of punishment, keep him alive in this state where he was paler than a ghost, severely underweight and beaten immensely?
However, once he joined the agency, his life changed for the better. He suddenly had money of his own to spend however he wished. And food wasn't viewed as a luxury anymore but as a necessity. In fact, Atsushi found a strange comfort in food. At first he would eat extra food when he was feeling down and needed some cheering up but now, he was always munching on sweets.
He ate a filling breakfast with Kyouka, at the agency he would eat some candy out of boredom (the said candy barely escaped a certain sweet tooth detective since he was constantly trying to "borrow" some until he finally gave up and let Atsushi snack in peace), he would eat a big portion of lunch and as for dinner he would eat some leftover desserts.
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One day, he was working on a report while taking a bite from a really delicious cookie Naomi-san offered him earlier in the morning.
Out of the blue, Ranpo appeared behind with a smug look. "Hey hey Atsushi-kun" he exclaimed, a smug smirk plastered across his face.
Atsushi sighed in response knowing what the detective wanted. "No Ranpo-kun I'm not giving you my cookie... Naomi-san offered it to me"
The other man frowned deeply. "Aw c'mon! You eat candy all day it wouldn't hurt to share! Even I eat less sweets and you know how much I adore them! You're gonna end up fat if you keep this up." He said unconsciously.
After a few seconds realization struck him as he saw Atsushi with a terrified look, he seemed to be deep in thought. He hated how his love for candy took over him and made him hurt his friend. He felt guilty, which was quite a rare case. However he was unaware of what to say, he wasn't used to comforting people and he's sure he would only add salt to the wound. He let his feet carry him away of the scene quickly.
Huh? Fat?... Was he really getting fat? Truth is, he wasn't really concerned about his weight but now, it being pointed out by a friend made it painfully obvious he has gained weight. A lot of weight.
He tried to ignore the voices in his head telling him to throw the food away, it was an offer after all. He would seem insanely rude if he just threw it out. He munched and swallowed the remaining cookie though he felt his heart drop at the action.
He left work earlier saying he felt a bit under the weather. His co-workers all wished him a "get well" besides a certain detective who was loathed by immense guilt.
Once he reached his apartment he was tired. He didn't even bother to change his clothes, instead he went straight to bed (if the small closet in his and Kyouka's bedroom is even considered one).
'It was just a bad day. Ranpo-san didn't mean it. Or did he?' he thought and sighed heavily. 'I hope tomorrow is going to be better' he gave himself hope before drifting off to sleep.
His wish last night turned out to be completely useless. He woke up with a slight headache and his stomach growled. Skipping dinner yesterday wasn't a good idea. Although he couldn't bring himself to eat for some reason. He skipped breakfast too.
On their way to work, Kyouka seemed mildly worried. Her uneasy expression didn't alter until they were outside of the agency's building. She suddenly stopped in her tracks and Atsushi did so as well when he noticed the girl stayed behind.
"Kyouka-chan is everything alright?" He asks confused.
"Why didn't you eat breakfast?" She asked, the same worried expression plastered on her pale face.
"Oh... I'm... Uh..." He genuinely didn't know why he skipped breakfast, the meal he considered the most important of the day. "I decided to go on a diet" a lie rolled down his tongue effortlessly.
"Oh" she replied with relief. "I'm glad. All these candy do no good to your health, they even made you chubby." She continued with a straight face, clearly not aware of the shock she'd given the older male.
'So Ranpo-san was in fact right... Kyouka is glad Im on a diet because sweets made me... Fat... Maybe I should start an actual diet...'
They walked upstairs in akward silence on Atsushi's end. On the other hand Kyouka looked completely unbothered, pleased even.
The moment they stepped foot in the agency, Dazai ran behind Atsushi in order to use him as a human shield. "There's my favorite chubby tiger! Please save me from evil-Kunkida-kun! He's attempting to torture me!" Dazai whined and hid further down Atsushi's back.
Meanwhile the said boy looked mortified. Not Dazai-san too... Is he really that fat everyone has noticed? He couldn't let himself be overweight, if he isn't already. That would slow him down in important missions and that'll possibly be the reason he'll be kicked off the agency and be forced back in the streets, or worse: the orphanage workers found him and took him back to that hellhole! He would not let that happen. He had to take matters into his own hands.
"Oi brat are you okay? You like you've seen a ghost" a loud voice broke him out of his stream of thoughts, the voice belonged to Kunikida.
"Oh yea!" He said anxiously "I just zoned out for a bit that's all" he put on his toothy smile that could fool practically anyone.
"Are you still feeling sick? If so, you shouldn't have come to work you looked pretty out of it yesterday" he replied while fixing his glasses that were slightly tilted.
"I can assure you I'm fine Kunikida-san. I just have a mild headache that's all" he reassured the blond-hair man.
"Well if that's the case, you should go do your work. You've gone on plenty of cases these past few weeks that need to be reported. I expect you to not miss out on any aspect." Kunikida announced to him with a serious look.
When Atsushi walked towards his seat he heard the older man add to his previous order. "Please refrain from snacking on work hours. It's not following schedule. Knowing you, you must have had a large breakfast. That should probably be enough until 2:50 exactly, lunch time."
Atsushi was relieved he had an excuse to not eat, even if it was just for this morning. Although, "...knowing you, you must have had a large breakfast..." that certainly stuck to him, making him pause for a second. He immediately brushed it off. He learned all his co-workers despised his new eating habits so there was no point to be worked up about it.
"Yes Kunikida-kun" he replied with a fake, determined smile. The other man pushed up his glasses and smiled slightly at the younger's motivation before he turned around to face Dazai.
"DAZAI GO DO YOUR WORK DAMNIT" Kunikida shouted at the brunette.
The yelling continued but Atsushi blocked out the sound, a little trick he learned back in the orphanage when the other kids or the caretakers yelled at him.
If he wanted this to work he had to make a proper schedule. He knew he was too dependent on food so this would not be so easy. He pulled out an empty notebook he'd be carrying around just in case of something important, this seemed like the case to him.
He noted down his new schedule step-by-step.
" •skip breakfast
•Eat a small portion of lunch
•Eat something with low calories for dinner
•Exclude any snacks (especially sweets!)"
Once he finished he closed his notebook and sighed. He somewhat missed his old frail body. When his ribs were visible through his thin layer of skin and there was no fat in his stomach. He knew it wasn't healthy but the will to be handsome overcame his worry. 'Beauty needs sacrifices right?'
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Three months went by following this schedule and despite the fact that it was hard to master at first (sometimes his mind was so clouded with hunger he unconsciously ate everything the fridge contained. That's how he found out an undeniably dangerous method to empty himself. After he over-ate he felt extremely guilty so he rushed to the bathroom, shoved his hands in his throat and threw up for a good minute or more.) now he has gotten used to it.
Watching the numbers on the scale drop drastically weirdly filled him with joy- it was kind of addicting. All it took was three months of hard work and there he was. He wasn't overweight anymore, although he still wasn't skinny enough. He made a deal with himself, once he achieved his ultimate goal, be skinny enough, he would go back to eating low calorie meals instead of starving (sometimes the situation lead to him not eating for a few days. It's not like it bothered him much). He had self-restraint. He could do it. Right?
"Oh Atsushi... It's funny how you think you can manage to go back to normal. Even the smell of food disgusts you now-you could never eat a full meal. Either way, don't you love how skinny you look? If you keep this up everyone will compliment on your improvement. Though... Your weight is just... average. If you want to be useful you should completely starve yourself. Who knows? Maybe you'll just die in the process! How fun!"
He got to accustomed hearing this voice in his head. He started hearing it after he got used to his new 'eating schedule'. And perhaps it was right. If he starved himself he'd reach his goal faster. Plus, he was constantly flirting with death, in fact he almost died 3 times, all in the same position, leaning over the toilet bowl with his hand deep in his throat. It was truly a miracle Kyouka hadn't figured anything out. It wouldn't hurt to quit eating completely.
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"Mornings Atsushi-kun!" Dazai went over to Atsushi's side before he stopped, wide eyed with pretend shock. "Oh my, oh my! Your diet really worked Atsushi-kun! You're like a whole new person!" Atsushi's face flushed at Dazai's compliment.
In mere seconds, most members of the agency gathered around the commotion.
"Woah Atsushi-kun! Dazai-san is right! Your diet worked miracles! Can you also tell me what diet you followed?" Naomi grasped excited
"Ughh... You're so lucky you have a fast metabolism! I wouldn't get the same results even if I starved myself!" Tanizaki whined
"Good work on following your diet schedule brat." That was all Kunikida said.
Ranpo simply stared at the scene in front of him while he stood besides a kind of worried Yosano.
"Just make sure to not overdo it hun" the doctor added
Atsushi smiled brightly and hummed agreement.
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Atsushi walked home alone since Kyouka was staying over at the Tanizakis. She said Naomi offered for her to come over for a sleepover and the older male just couldn't deny a request from an excited Kyouka.
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He looked in the mirror, at his now flat stomach. Instead of feeling proud he felt numb. He got his compliments, his reassurance that he'd stay in the agency but it wasn't enough for him. He wanted to be skinner. Until he was sick-looking. Perhaps, then people would offer him a hand, would save him from drowning in the river of insecurities and help him. He was aware he couldn't do it on his own. He no longer had control over it. He was like a puppet with long, silky strings attached to his body.
He felt helpless. He was drowning in an endless river he swimmed in voluntarily.