Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

/!\ Read, it's the only time I will leave an author note after that, I leave you darlings alone ;) /!\

Hi dear reader, thank you for coming here. It's an AU (alternative universe) so any knowledge you may have from the anime will be useless. The characters from the manga Haikyuu!! belong to Haruichi Furudate . Other than that, this story is a pure figment of my imagination that I want to share with you :) 

I do my best to think outside the box although it is sometimes difficult as some clichés (yes, I call them cliches) necessarily attract. I want to prove that a good story can be something quite different from what we are used to reading.

This isn’t a story where they get physical after chapter 3, so I suggest you stop here to quench your thirst (?) for torrid scenes with other stories so that you can enjoy this one to the fullest ! There will be scenes but you will have to be patient for the pressure to rise (hehehe). It’s not that fun otherwise. 

I am the type of reader who particularly enjoys stories that make me cry of joy or injustice, that make me want to close the book due to second hand embarrassment, that make me want to kick my feet in the air from excitement, that make me want to throw the book across the room because of anger. It’s what makes a story a good story. 

I hope to be able to carry you into my story as it did for me. I've been wanting to tell you about it for a while... It's been in my head since June 16, 2021.

So hoping to have done my job as an author well... Buckle up, we're going on a trip !

Attention, I sometimes approach subjects which could make you uncomfortable. This is not my goal, but they are part of our daily lives. Don't hesitate to comment and discuss, everything is open here ;)

There you go, I'll let you enjoy... See you at the other end and thank you for giving me a chance <3

English isn’t my mother language so please be kind if I make any grammatical mistake ! (You can correct me)

༺༒༻

Heather (~ Conan Gray)

Chapter 1 𓇚※𓇚

Missing you comes in waves. Tonight I'm drowning - Anonymous

☄︎

Those are words you'll never hear because I'm way too proud to tell you. 

I'm well aware that I made you live through hell, but the reward is all the sweeter, isn't it ? Sweet with that sour smell and bitter taste that only you have come to love. Soft with this heat which covered us as soon as we approached to burn ourselves.

But that's what you wanted, isn't it ? You wanted us to play the role of the antagonist of our respective stories, that I be the reason for all your suffering and you the reason for mine until we find no other way out but each other.

I believe we are done playing now. I was never a good actor anyway. 

༺༒༻

6 years ago

Kenma's POV

I was hiding under the willow tree of the school's little courtyard to escape a boy who was following me even when eight o'clock hadn't struck. It was the fourth time this week and it was only thursday. 

I didn't know him from Eve or Adam, yet he was screaming a name that didn't belong to me, surely to call me as if we were childhood friends. It took him like that, in the corridors, the cafeteria, the library… And it remained until this day, at least for me, inexplicable.

This circus, cause there wasn’t another way to describe it, has been going on since I enrolled in Nekoma High School as a second year. It has been a habit for him since the first day of school when he called me in the cafeteria for the first time. Many sharp eyes were then turned in my direction, silent to understand what was happening. The only thing I could do was walk out of this large room before I could even take my tray. Since then, I had tried to get there several times but I couldn't enter without him noticing me, it was unbearable.

Honestly, I gave him all my hatred because even if at the beginning I didn't have many chances to make friends, they were, since that day, non-existent.

It must be said that a guy with blond hair and brown roots, cut to form a bob did not make a good impression. They had this length for a very good reason, they allowed me not to have a too wide field of vision otherwise I became anxious. Too many things to look at, to calculate, to take into account. Or else, this between me and the others, could have been due to my eyes being lighter than normal, they were amber orbs that were often compared to those of a feline. They made me look cold, cautious, predatory, haughty… In short, things that I wasn't, at least according to me.

I had a thin, skinny body for a boy which was an oxymoron on its own cause I hate sports. It allowed me, surprisingly, to be agile in my gestures. It was a faculty that I was happy to have in my current situation.

The third year, or the dark one cause darkness follows him around like a puppy with its owners, seemed to have given up on going after me because I hadn't heard him scream for five minutes. 

I sighed, finally.

It was uncommon for people to be in the school’s small courtyard, its occupants were mostly high schoolers who didn’t want to be disturbed by teachers. I was not at all envious of these two-day couples who were too comfortable doing all these things here . They were just simple hugs and sweet words but I always wanted to roll my eyes when I had the misfortune to hear them. The weeping willow was doing a good job at hiding me from them and the rest of the world…or so I thought until now.

“ I will never understand you, Fumetsu. There are times when you avoid me like the plague and then others when you jump into my arms. You're lucky that I want to chase after you.” called out a voice that was not unknown to me.

Oh no, not him again. 

I didn't turn around right away, not believing my luck. When I finally did, I saw his face clearly for the first time.

I had only had a glimpse of him despite the many times I had found myself in this more than strange situation. Given his angular features, he must have been a third year, we had never been side by side, but he must have been taller than me. No matter what day it was his hair was always disheveled, going all over the place in spikes except for one strand that almost fell over one of his eyes. 

And oh god, his eyes were startling not that I will ever tell him that. They reminded me of honey and I was falling deeper and deeper into them, sucked into their power. My gaze stayed a few moments in his, imprisoned, before descending lower. A smile had formed on his lips, mocking me.

“ Fumetsu ” he said. 

My train of thought was broken.

“ I’m not Fumetsu. ” I retorted without really thinking about it

My words seemed to take a while to reach his brain as his face slowly froze.

I pulled my nintendo switch out of my sweatshirt pocket, marking our resemblance of a conversation as done. I needed another hiding place to have peace again. I just wanted him to leave me alone so I could hate him in silence.

“ Stop following me. ” I said calmly, turning my back to him.

“ Who are you ? ”

I ignored his question, finding no interest for my part in answering him.

“ Aren't you brother and sister ? ”  he forced

“ Go away. ” 

“ Answer my questions at least ! ” 

I sighed as I turned around. The dark haired had put one of his hands on his waist… Reminding me of a pregnant woman who was trying to release the pressure on her hips.

“ Who are you ? ”  I returned

“ Kuroo Tetsurou. ” 

I felt a smile form on my parched lips.

“ Kuroo Tetsurou, leave me alone or I'll report you for harassment. ”

However, it was his turn to smile, therefore, erasing mine little by little.

“ I'm the vice president of the student council, you can't do anything against me. ” 

“ You'd be surprised what you can do with a name. Go away. ”

He was turning around when a voice I never heard called him. Eventually, they appeared next to us under the leaning tree. It belonged to a round face that was encircled by brown hair with blonde ends and eyes which were observant, calculating. They were actually two golden orbs watching me intently, looking just as surprised as I was to see a stranger look so much like her. 

Her lips quivered into a shy smile that was fake. It was only then that I understood it was with her that he confused me from the beginning even if our style of dress were opposite.

“ So you’re telling me there isn’t a single drop of blood common between the two of you. ”

I shrugged my shoulders although I was just as surprised as he was.

“ Leave me alone. ” I repeated. 

The phone of the one who had just joined us rang. A few seconds later, she took the dark haired hand dragging him along in the other direction. He has been confusing me with his girlfriend for 4 months.  

“ See you next time ! ” said the tall one to grab my attention again.

“ I'll make sure we don't see each other again. ”  I retorted loud enough for him to hear.

As expected, he turned around but the so-called Fumetsu was making it impossible for him. 

Yeah, a more than strange situation I would say.

Later that day when it was time for schools to close the streets of Tokyo were packed with people. Everyone was pushing each other to be able to move forward, bicycles were moving at full speed on the road, sometimes hindering cars which honked their horns.

It was noisy. I couldn't wait to get home.

We were a little far from the city center to have more tranquility. The house was a large building, a vast garden surrounding it. I swiftly pushed the deep blue gate to get inside. I was embarrassed when people saw me, greeting me with my name, asking me about my studies when I didn’t even know their names. That happened a lot, only one of the repercussions of being the only son of a nationally known businessman. 

As I entered the kitchen there was no one to be found, I took off my shoes to replace them with slippers. I made sure to make no noise to get some cakes before sneaking up to my room.

It was the same as I left it this morning, a glorious organized mess that I was the only individual to understand. Some clothes were lying on a chair, my bed was unmade since the night before. The majority of my room was used for my video game equipment : a long desk where three of my PCs rested and a large armchair. My computers were on standby, lightning up the room with their rainbow colors.

I sighed and ate the cupcakes before plunging into bed. The conversation I had this morning still disturbed me however, this train of thought was not interesting enough to keep me awake.

You were just Kuroo Tetsuro to me.

°~°

“ Kenma, honey, come down stairs ! We are waiting for you to eat ” ringed my mother’s voice as she was at the bottom of the stairs.

Dinner was slow, my parents busy in their own bubble and me, not partially interested in piercing it. 

“ How was your day, darling ? ” suddenly asked my mother.

I shrugged my shoulders in response, not thinking about anything worth talking about. My lack of reaction made her sighed since she added :

“ Kenma… You know that if you have any problems at school you can always talk to us about it, we'll change you of establishment, no question asked. ” 

“ You worry too much mum. ”

“ Never too worried when you want the well-being of your child. ”

She reached out with her hand to ruffle my hair.

When I brought our plates and cutlery back to the kitchen so that my mother could do the dishes, the latter took my face with one of her hands full of soap so that we looked into each other's eyes.

“ Good night darling. I love you. ” 

Her soft gaze brushed mine one last time before she went back to scrubbing.

“ Good night ” I whispered without adding anything. 

I knew I should have said back, but I wasn't ready to pronounce those words and it has been the case for seventeen years. It wasn’t like I was waiting for someone to suddenly appear and be worthy of them. They made me embarrassed for some reason. I mean I didn’t need to say it out loud that I love her. She already knew that.  

°~°

I was suddenly awakened by a loud noise that echoed between the walls of the house. I rubbed my eyes, trying to clear my head. When my brain was functioning faster I understood that the noise was unusual and I headed quickly towards the kitchen to discover a vision of horror there.

A body had fallen on its back, one of its hands on its chest and the other intertwined with my father's. It laid in a pool of blood, its blood, which colored its white satin tunic to somber burgundy. 

Faster than I should have I looked at its face, at its eyes that didn't blink and would not ever again where a trail of dry tears could be seen running from. They were staring at the ceiling. My father was kneeling beside the body, heartbroken as he stroked his wife's face with his free hand. 

I noticed a black gun gleaming in the pool of blood and the world suddenly fell apart.

No. 

She didn't do that. She couldn’t. She would have never been able to. She would have never dared. 

Copying the only one reminding in the room I fell to my knees.

What could I have done to change the situation ?

The worst part is that I knew what I could have done : Nothing, absolutely nothing. 

6 years later

This traumatic event has done a 180° turn to my life and in more than one way. It didn’t change the fact that I was now twenty-three, however it wasn't in my plan to have to work in a little cafe called " The Bird " ever since. 

Not that I had a plan to begin with anyway.

After my mother's murder everything happened promptly. My father fell into depression, unable to make a life without her. The day of the funeral, he collapsed in the church making the headlines of the local newspaper. Apparently, it was a small price to pay for a bankrupt businessman.

As for me that day, I only stood there biting my lips until iron filled my mouth. I wouldn't cry. I couldn’t cry until I knew why it ended like this. Nevertheless, it was hard, it was the hardest thing I had to do cause it was like a constant urge to vomit.

I wanted revenge. I was angry at everything and everyone. The whole world was at fault because it kept going like nothing changed. Everything changed.

To set all this right, I stared at the white ceiling, picking up the pace little by little and taking frequent breaks. They said that you get used to the lack, it is incorrect. You learn to live with it but the lack cannot be replaced, it’s a part of you they ripped and disappeared with.  

I lived alone in this palace, I screamed and my complaints were collected between the walls, repeated then absorbed to be replaced with absolute deafening silence.

This house was way too big, it had always been too big for three people.

School was on the very bottom on my list of “to worry about”. It wasn't like mum would force me to go anymore. The only good thing about all this was that I brilliantly kept my promise to this Kuroo Tetsurou as our paths only crossed that morning. He had disappeared from Earth’s surface, at least for me.

Apart from that, I noticed once again that whether I was there or not, it made no difference.

My year as a third year turned up, I had kind of got myself back together but I couldn't forget. I couldn't and above all I wouldn't allow myself to. 

I resumed a pace of living that was slower than the previous one. The majority of my energy was spent on finding the culprit, because it was unthinkable for her to do that. She was a victim, I was sure of it. 

I went to the police’s station frequently, every week to be exact and this for two months. I went there until the case was closed with the simple word of “suicide”. Well, simple wasn't the word to use because nothing was simple now. No matter how much I told myself that I had to sacrifice my previous life for this life, I was in my bubble. I didn't want to hear anything or listen to anyone, including the police, so that they could bursted it.

My mother was killed. 

That’s what happened.

I no longer took cupcakes from the cupboard due to my savings gradually reducing. I wondered quite often if my dad was trying to kill us both by doing this. Not that he was doing it knowingly but I didn't want him dragging me down, not yet.

I had to know who did it. 

This vicious cycle was broken a few months later in November's cold when he took me to a lab for a blood test, explaining if he were to die too, his wealth was rightfully mine. I didn’t understand much but I didn’t question it. 

Except it had the opposite effect and my life did a 180° turn again. I was not my father's biological son. I was told that I was the result of an affair between my mother and our former neighbor who had died a few years earlier. I was not a result, I was a mistake.

My father was furious, uncontrollable and forbade me to set foot in his house when he found out. He no longer felt responsible for a son who only belonged to him on a paper from the town hall and not by blood. Could I be considered as an orphan ? 

No luggage, no home, no friends and above all nowhere to go with nothing in my pockets because the weight of my consoles in these was now light. All that belonged to me now were the clothes I had been wearing for several days already. 

This was happening for a reason, right ? 

I thought about how the gun got into her hands, about who would have given it to her... She was stubborn but she would never have been able to take this gun and to … It's not suicide it's murder. 

I wanted to say a few sentences like: “I swear to find your murderer and to make him live a hell comparable to the one he made you live '' but I couldn’t. The Earth was round, I would eventually find that idiot anyway.

My stop was central Tokyo and I didn't know exactly what I was looking for. It would have been surprising if I was looking for a person because no one knew me. It would have been surprising if I was looking for a place because I had never left my room. 

Tiredness got the best of me a few hours later, when the sky had darkened for a while already. I decided to install myself in a lighted street. The ground was rough, the air was cold, the streets were noisy. As soon as I closed my eyes I had to open them again due to a light touch on my shoulder. It belonged to a young man, a little older than me, who had short silver hair and light brown eyes. He had a mole that highlighted his right eye. The brown scarf he wore hid the lower part of his face and a long gray coat covered the rest of him. 

“ What are you doing here ? ”  he began, worried.

The air was so cold that his words turned to smoke. I chattered my teeth, not taking any value of what he was saying. 

“ What's your name ? ”  continued the latter. 

" You can do a lot with a name, Kenma, remember that " i heard a memory whispered in a far back corner of my brain.

“ Kozume Kenma ” I responded, shrugging my shoulders.

What was the point of paying attention to it now anyway ? I had nothing to be stolen of, he had nothing to take from me. He could be the culprit of all this for all I know.  

“ Oh! I heard about your father's business… Are you planning to stay there long ? These areas are not safe, he is going to be worried…”

The whirlwind of his chocolate brown eyes made me rethink my choice. 

“ I'm an adult, I don't need him ” I just answered.

The silver-haired man looked behind him before a smile plastered on his lips. I quickly remembered about what my mother used to say a lot about the number of sick people in the streets… Maybe I had just run into one of them.

“ I will go now…” I tried to say

“ I hope you know how to make coffee because I'm taking you home with me” he cut me off

Then he took my hand to pull me out of this dark alley easily… I had a long way to go before I could put anyone through hell. 

From that day on, I was indebted to Suga and his fiancé, Daichi, of my life. Honestly, I had no idea what I would have become without them. They had given me a roof to sleep under, a plate to eat on, in exchange for working in their cafe.

It was February 4th, 2022, the little hand of the clock of a tower that looked horribly like Big Ban had just passed 7pm when my life was turned upside down again. I had no idea how I could have defined it otherwise…

Otherwise, than in my living room pointing a long kitchen knife in the direction of the one who was following me the same as before : Kuroo Tetsurou.

⚯

Edited : 06.2024

Chapter Text

The other side (~ the greatest showman)

Chapter 2 𓇚※𓇚

What a plot twist you were - Anonymous

☄︎

Kuroo's POV

“Oh shit” was my first thought when I saw the knife. 

“Oh it’s that boy ” was my second. 

“We were not supposed to see each other again ” was my last.

And yet, here I was, so close to him I could even perceive the angry glim in his eyes. However, the situation was a bit more complicated than 6 years ago, us being in his apartment and not under the willow tree of our schoolyard. Him being on one side of the blade and me on the other. 

I smiled but he didn't even blink.

I don’t really know what made me recognize him from such a distance, it wasn’t like we knew one another. He still had that weird cutted bob pudding hair and that hunched posture. That was about it. 

He was waiting on the side of a street for the traffic lights to turn red when I saw him. A cream colored coat covered him, his face hidden by a scarlet scarf protecting him from the damp cold of february. A calm vibe radiating off of him. 

I stand up from the sidewalk, leaving my blanket and my cup to greet an old acquaintance. However, the pedestrian’s traffic light turned green and he was too far away from me to yell. Yell a name I didn’t know, actually. If I scream “Fumetsu” maybe it would work. It took me about a second for me to consider my options and to run after him.

I couldn’t comprehend why I did it, what I was expecting from my action or him. I just knew now that my heart stabbed my chest the same way his eyes pierced mine when I realized my mistake. Those same eyes that lit up his face and, once, made me think of the sun due to how bright they were. 

Even if I was too proud to admit it out loud, it only half pleased me to have a kitchen knife pointed in my direction.

“Good evening” I began.

The blond didn't react.

“I'm glad to see you again. We are lucky to see each other again… right ?”

His answer remained the same.

“Could you put that knife down ? You’re going to hurt yourself.”

The slight tremor of his hands didn’t go unnoticed but they did not move. One of his hands was hastily rummaging his pockets to pull out a phone.

“No, don't call the police. I swear I mean you no harm.” 

As if I was trying to reason with him I raised both my hands in the air like in TV shows. It made him think for a few moments.

“Get out.”

An idea raced through my head.

“My parents kicked me out of their house. I have nowhere to go. Please let me…”

“Not my problem, get out.”  he cut me off.

I took a step forward and him three backwards. 

“Just let me stay here tonight, please. I can give you everything, all that is mine will be yours. Just ton…” I pleaded.

He approached quickly, showing the tip of the blade straight ahead.

“Alright, alright, I'm leaving !”

Before I could close the door behind me, the blonde suddenly grabbed my wrist.

“What’s that ?” 

“What’s what ?” deciding to play dumb even though I knew it was no longer possible to hide it.

His grasp on my wrist tightened. He raised it at eye level, leaving nothing to the doubt he was talking about that cursed bracelet. I felt him burn a hole in it.

“These are bracelets we give to hospital’s patients.” he said, as if stating a fact.  

The silence lasted only a few seconds but the pressure between us made it feel like hours. 

“I had to go to the hospital yesterday and didn't have time to cut it.” 

Stress was taking over me as his eyes X-rayed me, not buying my lie. 

He pulled on the object in question which tore off with only a flick of his wrist. The blond examined it as I tried to take it from his hands, his movements surprisingly fluid. He read aloud the following things : 

“Kuroo Tetsuro. Male. Blood type : A+. Birth : November 17, 1999 (23 years old). Cause : Bail.” 

His voice cracked at the end. He turned around, looking at me with wide eyes. 

“Bail, as in prison bail ?”

I felt naked in front of him. He was a stranger who already knew far too much.

It was my turn to not answer him.

“What have you done ? How much did you spend in jail ?”

I took a shaky breath, not wanting this conversation to go further. However, when I discerned the look on his face I knew there was no other way around it except run or answer. If I ran, I would go back to my blanket on the cold street’s floor and a cup that used to have a couple of yens that would have disappeared from the lack of supervision. If I lied, I would have a place to stay but a bird of prey watching my every action.

I would trade the biting cold for a warm bed any day. 

So I lied, so I could restart it all. So I could build a totally new life that I wasn't even a character of. 

“Well first of all, the hospital said I was in perfect condition to be put back into the "wild" after six years of captivity. So no need to worry, I'm perfectly fine."

I winked at him to ease the tension in the room and he rolled his eyes. The blond crossed his arms and his gaze became colder than it already was. 

"What have you done ?"

His voice wasn't shaking. His gaze didn't escape me. His body made no movement to stop this from happening. And I couldn't help but think that if someone had told me they spent a couple of years in jail, I would have at least taken a step back. 

I wasn't him and he wasn't me. 

"Would you believe me if I told you I robbed a bank ?"

He sighed and his whole posture relaxed. 

"I thought you were smarter than that. Still, a robbery is 5 years, it doesn't fit with your story. You did something else."

He seemed nonchalant about all of it, with his hands that melted from his chest to the inside his sweatshirt's pockets. Nevertheless, the small nervous movements of his eyes could only be explained by one thing. I realized that I needed to be more careful about what I said to him. 

"Ah, the extra year is because I insulted and knocked out a police officer." I invented

I scratched the back of my neck, fakely embarrassed. He didn't seem to buy it more than my first lie. 

"You really shouldn't insult state law enforcement, believe me." I added

He took a step forward. 

“Why rob a bank ?”

The intensity of his eyes bored a hole into mine. I had to escape it, so I decided to stare at the lamp next to the TV for the rest of the conversation.  

“My parents didn’t have a lot of money. I needed money for my studies and high schooler’s jobs didn't pay enough so…I had to try, right ?”

What I really wanted to know was why he was so interested in the subject. It wasn’t a detective show where they tried to guess who was the murderer. It wasn’t a show. 

His shoulders hunched a bit more while he nodded silently. Then the unlikely hit :

“I’m keeping that” said the smallest one,  putting my bracelet in his pocket as if nothing had happened. “You can stay here until you find a place to stay. You better not rob anything. I will know if you do.”

Not a single thought passed through my head for a few moments.

“I can stay ?!?!”

The blond was already doing something else but the smallest nod from him was enough to confirm it. He opened the front door to let me in. I still couldn’t believe it. If lying took me there every time then why have I waited to do it ? I literally wanted to jump and hug the smaller one, which I really shouldn’t do if I wanted it to work. 

Still, I could be happy for a minute, right ? 

“What made you change your mind ?”

I left my shoes at the door, letting my brown used-to-be white socks see the day for once. I was a bit embarrassed by them but there wasn’t anything I could do about it.

I followed him into the kitchen. He carried on looking back every three seconds to throw at me a hard stare.  

“In exchange, I want money.” 

Hold on. 

“I never said I would give you money !” I retaliated 

Of course he had to point at the front door with his kitchen knife. I didn't like his sense of humor. 

“But…”

“Be careful with what you're going to say, I might take you for a liar.” he cut me off as he began chopping carrots.  

His voice is so much stronger compared to the whisper it used to be. 

No more sound was heard coming from me.

“You're not here for the holidays, Kuroo Tetsuro. Make yourself useful. You must have something for yourself…”

He remembered me. 

His small lips said my name like an insult. Small lips he was now biting, trapping my eyes with them. 

“I don't know if I'm supposed to feel insulted or complimented…”

He didn’t answer, all he did was muttered to me to go take a shower. I didn’t push it. The blond suddenly seemed frail. 

°~°

Hot water was a luxury my skin didn’t get for six years. It rolled, slid, and burned where it touched me. It was non-existent for the simple reason that it was considered something we didn’t deserve. It was simply old fashioned and rude aside from that, whatever, the benefits of cold water were cool too. 

On the other hand, this shower was great . 

I felt a bit lightheaded coming out of the smoky damp atmosphere. Sleep came creeping on me when I dried myself with a towel. The mirror had become blurry, a distorted figure entering its frame. With a wave of my hand on the cold surface, afire eyes fixed on mine apparead. I noticed they had darkened from lack of excitement over the years. My hair was also a bird’s nest like it has always been the case ever since… well forever. My cheeks were filled by a four day old beard, making me look wild.

It’s been four days already since I have been released. I had to look away and think of something else. 

There was no clothes I could put on, so I walked out of the room with my towel safely wrapped around my hips. The flat’s owner was still clothed by his bubble of thoughts which caused him to jump when I tapped his shoulder. I had a hard time hiding the crawling smirk on my lips. His eyes scanned me up and down as I cleared my throat. 

“I don't mind walking around naked but I don’t think it will make a good first impression to find a job…” I ended up saying

The smaller one rolled his eyes before he turned back on chopping ground beef.  

“It's not my problem…” he replied at first. “I don't want to see that monstrosity in my flat” he then breathed 

I pretended to be shocked while I put my hand over my heart. 

“Monstrosity ? What about those abs you haven't seen yet …”

“And I want it to stay that way.” he hissed between his teeth

The blond checked behind his back, checking on I don’t know what. I raised one of my eyebrows, translating my confusion. He sighed as he let go of the cooking knife. He disappeared behind one of the doors, leaving me unsupervised. I couldn't believe it when he reappeared with a monotonous pile of fabrics between his small arms.

“These are too big for me.” 

Silence reigned between us for a few moments. I gasped like a fish out of water. I whispered  “thank you”. 

The smaller one shrugged his shoulders as he returned to the kitchen. Before I could ask where I could change he pointed to a door behind him on the far right, where I found a double bed with its white sheets. I questioned myself about the room before quickly putting on shorts, a t-shirt acting as pajamas. However, they were a bit too small and hugged me where they should not, especially in the area of ​​the bust and crotch.The rest of my clothes were strewn in the closet across from the bed. 

There was a window letting me see the street down below. As I watched the scenery the glass fogged due to my breath. Before I could have deeper thoughts about the passerby who was yelling at the kid who was holding his hand, a knock was heard on my door. 

I couldn’t stay here. I needed to find somewhere else soon because it was obvious the blond wanted something from me.

He already knew too much and it was bad.

I deserved a fresh start. 

My relationships had always lived by pure benefit. People wanted to be part of my life no matter the role they played in it, it could be a friend, a girlfriend or even a boyfriend. That’s all they cared about : being a part of the Kuroo Tetsuro’s life one way or another. I didn’t really care because it was better that way than having everyone turn their back on me. 

Over the years it had sort of become a game before I even realized it. I knew it was unhealthy, I would have been dumb if I didn’t notice. People were not there for me, they were there for themselves. I should have wished the same for me, to be surrounded with the ones that cared and made me feel good about myself. 

I couldn’t say I was used by them, because I used them too. 

That's just how things worked back here.

I didn’t try to find an exit to the situation, again I was better off that way since the moment I tried to think for myself it ended badly. There were people who died. It could have been so much different. 

That boy. He couldn’t know. Ever.

“What's your name ?” I asked, my fork scratching the rest of the bolognese on my plate.

The smaller one shook his head. I had to wait until he finished his food for him to speak again.

“I would like to establish rules” he whispered

His hand came out of his sweat shirt sleeves to hold out his fist. I furrowed my eyebrows however before I could speak he cut me off : 

“First one, find a job. Second one, no one here except you and me. Third one, you're not allowed in my room.” 

Three of his fingers went up as he enumerated them. I followed their movements until the last one. 

“Got anything to hide ?” I smirked

His cheeks bloomed to a pink color. 

“It’s my space, no one comes in.” he explained innocently, glaring at me. 

His eyes were burning with the same intensity as his cheeks. Don’t do this they seemed to say. 

“Why can’t I know your name ?” I muttered, copying him.

His gaze went behind me. I didn’t huff. Why was I even doing this ? Even if I knew his name, it would change anything. I will be out of there in less than a week. 

Still. 

I needed him to believe and try to be his friend in some kind of way. 

“What do you do during your free time ?”

His fork stopped mid air. The blond stared coldly at me.

“I don't want to be your friend.”

It was my turn to freeze. What ? 

Before I could ask him any questions he stood up from the table without finishing the last pasta on his plate. I had to handle the situation humorously or else it would go nowhere. 

I followed him with the rest of the dishes that needed to be washed. While his sponge scrubbed, my towel dried. He didn’t say anything. His eyes twitched to my hands a couple of times. 

“I can call you anything I want ?”

He didn’t react and continued to scrub a glass. 

“So what about…”

The sponge was thrown in the sink and the next thing I heard was a door closing. 

I sighed, my other option was a cold street floor.

°~°

Sleep wasn’t as restful as I hoped it to be. I rubbed my eyes and rested my head on my hands when I was done. I didn’t know what time it was but I knew there was no way sleep was coming back to me again. It couldn’t be that early since light pierced through the blinds. 

What was I doing ? 

I heard a door being opened and I got up immediately after. The blond was tying his shoes when he saw me. He stopped for a moment before his eyes fell on his feets again. I cleared my throat and said : 

“You’re not eating breakfast ?”

He shook his head. 

“Don’t break anything.” he said quietly before exiting. 

I stood there for a few seconds, silence was king of this territory. 

I had a long way to go. 

Was it supposed to be that way ? 

I opened the kitchen cupboard and after a few minutes of intensive research I ended up gathering a bowl, a glass, milk, bread and orange juice on the table. There was nothing else to do. When 8:17 a.m was displayed on the oven’s clock I had a black long-sleeved t-shirt covered by a sweatshirt with black pants. As I exited the building, I found myself among the passerby of the street. 

I quickly checked if the blanket I used was still where I left it. Surely it was already gone. The cup I used had the same fate. It didn’t matter since I was on my way to find a job. The few cents I had had gone to someone who needed them more. 

I followed the flow of people that were on the way to the center of the city. From my experience, that’s where I had a higher chance to have a good pay. Since I didn't need to look up for a place to live anymore, which made me realize I should really work on my relationship with the blond. It needed to start by knowing his name… It couldn’t be that difficult. 

I was walking past a cafe when a man inside waved at me. I ignored him and pursued my stroll. However the waiter had other ideas in mind. My strides became longer to make the distance between us bigger. 

“Hey ! You need a job don't you ?” he shouted behind my back. 

I froze without looking back. People watched the scene, too polite to completely stop and too curious to let it go. I ended up turning around send him a death stare, the corners of my lips lifted up fakely. His anxious face was accompanied by big brown innocent eyes and forest green hair, making him look soft. Yet, what grabbed attention to him was the freckles that nicely underlined his face as he approached me. One of his hands was scratching his neck till it turned red and the other was fiddling a tray. He was the image of what I thought of a ball of nerves. 

Poor thing. Still. So much for going unnoticed. 

His brown eyes screamed sorry . 

“What do you mean ?” I asked though my open smile

“It’s true, no ?”

The frown of my eyebrows was the only sign I was listening to him. I crossed my arms and the hand that was scratching his neck found her place next to her sister on the tray. 

“We need staff.” he continue 

“Seriously kid, I could be a serial killer and you would invite me like that to your cafe just because you don't have enough staff ?” I laughed

“If you were, you wouldn't have asked.” he responded  

Silence remained my only response.  

“I assure you it’s not boring. We have a lot of customers, especially girls !”

I pushed the need to roll my eyes as I heard that. To think that guy was desperate enough to pull the “you will get loads of girls” plan seemed ridiculous. Then again, I needed a job if I didn't want the blond to kick me out. I needed money, no matter what. Enough to get out of the country. 

I sighed. 

Oh well. I only had my high school diploma. I couldn't climb higher than being a coffee shop’s staff. 

The light in my eyes seemed to have changed since he resumed his come work with us speech. 

“We serve drinks to pastries. It’s not that hard I promise.” 

He had bright eyes, excited like a child. I wasn’t mean enough to say no. 

I quickly considered his offer before thinking it would probably be my only option anyway. I shrugged my shoulders before nodding. Behind the counter was a tall man who was wiping a milkshakes’ glass. He looked at his employee coldly before his mustard eyes rested on me, scanning me haughtily.He looked younger than me, the smile I sent back to him was as welcoming as him. 

“What have you brought me, Yams ?” said the coffee shop’s owner

I couldn’t help but notice the faint red that appeared on his ears.  

“He wants to work here.” he quietly responded. 

“That’s not what hap…” I intervened

“Since when can you see a person’s skill through the shop’s window ?”

Ouch. I seriously hoped that there was someone nicer behind those hateful eyes. I was educated with the “we are always more than we let others think”, it didn’t change the fact that we were not going to get along.

“Yams” as the “boss” called him, froze. He made me feel sorry for him.  

“I learn fast.” I defended myself

“Have you even worked a day in your life ?” he asked, finishing his sentence with an eye roll. 

I crossed my arms, my smile fell while a powerful “I have” passed through my clench teeth. He glared at me as he continued to wipe his glass. One of his eyebrows rose and a narrow smile arose on his face.

“Another daddy's boy…”

“Mommy's boy.”

It was my turn to smirk. My gaze was heinous as his own. Why was I staying in that cafe in front of such a fool ? I could find so much better. Yet, I felt like I was risking some of my dignity with him. I couldn’t be completely unworthy of everything.

“Tsukki, stop. We need staff.” whispered the greenette furiously. He fiddled with his tray so much it dropped. 

The boss rolled his eyes for the second time in thirty seconds. The smaller one sent me a pleading stare. I was too kind for my own good, really. 

“Give me a day to prove it to you. I may be the employee of a lifetime.” 

He didn’t move. 

“Kuroo Tetsuro” I present myself, my hand reaching behind the counter for him to shake it. “I want to make the best apple pies.” 

The dirty blond looked me straight in the eye before chuckling as he wiped his glasses.

“Seriously, ask your grandmother for that.”

He turned to look at the greenette but he wasn't laughing along. The tall one huffed, looking annoyed. 

“I want to learn other good things, be it drinks, hot meals or pastries, I won't be against it. Who doesn't want a man who can cook ?” I said, puffing out my chest. 

The blonde's piercing gaze was once again lifted to the ceiling. The other employee's little tics of anxiety stopped for a few seconds before resuming violently. 

The tall blond sighed.

“ We'll see what you're worth.” he rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Yamaguchi, I'll take care of the customers this morning so you can teach him the basics. I'm counting on you to make something out of this…clown.”

How could sweet Yamaguchi like that guy ?  

When he pushed open the door behind the counter, I quickly noticed a new person. Most of his hair was styled to give him the profile of a hedgehog. He was the smallest in the room we were in but surely the most muscular among us. He was getting frustrated with a pan of vegetables that was steaming in his hands. When he heard footsteps behind him he turned around quickly and olive eyes, enhanced by thin eyebrows, suddenly fell on me. Yamaguchi cleared his throat before introducing us.

“Iwaizumi, this is Kuroo.  He's going to work with us as a waiter. Iwazumi is our cook. he added.

I nodded in greeting, he imitated me. A flame licked the pan and the brunette jumped. The green's nervous tics resumed.

“Iwaizumi is new too.” he felt obliged to explain

“Yeah, yeah whatever Yamaguchi we get it, so don’t feel the need to explain it... Seriously, what is this stupid pan ?!?” he grumbled

The blond’s head passes through the door to give the brunette a disapproving look.

“Iwaizumi quiet down, the customers can hear you.”

“But I can't work with this shi…”

The remark didn't reach its recipient because the "boss" had already closed the door. A smile housed itself on my face and a thin eyebrow was raised in response. Nevermind, this could be fun if it continued like this. He raised a wooden spoon, opening his mouth while looking at me except Yamaguchi kidnapped me to the other end of the room.

As the greenette explained the different parts of the menu to me, my gaze met from time to time the furious one of the brunette. I burst out laughing. His pan was still steaming. Yamaguchi sighed but did not comment, I thought I saw a semblance of raising lips from him.

“Welcome to the Moon ” the smaller boy said, handing me a white apron as he finished his explanation on the machines and the rules.

I accepted the apron with a sincere smile drawn on my lips before tying it around my hips. I followed him to discover the coffee completely transformed compared to this morning. There were a lot of people and the majority were women chatting loudly. The "boss" ran from table to table with a tray full of glasses. This sight was rather amusing, less so when he saw my mocking eyes following him. His smile mirrored my eyes. 

Really Yamaguchi, how could you ? 

“On track” Yamaguchi cut me off, giving me a notepad and a pen. 

Since social anxiety never awoke for me I walked up to the first table my eyes landed on. I was working to gain money. I had done what was asked of me. The blonde who hosted me had asked me to find a job. I had a job. I had a roof to sleep under and a plate to eat on. I was free. Now, my biggest task was to stay that way until I could find something better. 

I was cleaning my last table when I heard the tall one whispered  “You did a good job, Yams” while he ruffled the greenette’s hair. 

The dirty blond must have felt my stare because he straightened and looked my way, any kindness gone from his face. 

“I expect you to be there tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. You better not be late or you're fired.”

Not very long after I left the cafe to walk towards the apartment where I was going to spend my night. I had a big smile plastered on my lips that I had kept hidden all day. I was a bit cold but I didn't pay much attention to it, it didn’t matter because I could see the barless sky. I took long strides up the stairs of the building before knocking on the door.

The blond took a few seconds to open me and he huffed when he saw me on the threshold of his door.

“I'm back !” I announced cheerfully.

And I was. I was happy when he opened that door.

⚯

Edited : 16.03.2025

Chapter Text

Holà ! 

 I think it's going to rain today (~)

Chapter 3 𓇚※𓇚

Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different - C.S Lewis

☄︎

Kenma's POV

Kuroo was going to mess up everything.

I knew it since I saw the glim that lightened his eyes last night. I knew it. I just knew but it didn't change the fact he, maybe, was the only way to prove that they were wrong. That was the only reason why I was only pacing around the small living room and absolutely not because it was 7 p.m and he hasn't come home yet.

Nevertheless, if this goes on, my plan would fail.

I also knew my brutal change of decision was strange but I couldn't let it go. He might be my only chance to know what really happened. The only info I had were : the date of the murder, the scene and the gun that allowed this to occur. It wasn't possible for the answers to my questions to simply escape my living room this way.

I knew as well that I couldn't think of any valid reason, or at least plausible enough one, to explain my mother's presence in the kitchen at this exact moment. The only person capable of answering my question was none other than the person I was desperately looking for. A person I had been looking for for five years, soon to be six... The single option was to find, unluckily, a jailbird that just came out of jail, someone like Kuroo for example.

I knew all sorts of stuff but I still didn't know enough.

I couldn't help but be anxious about what he would think of a guy who tried to find the murderer of his mother. A parent who had probably committed suicide, just for the simple reason that I wanted revenge ? He would tell me I was immature and that I had plenty of time to let her memory free... Before adding right after that I needed therapy. So it made sense I better not tell him about it.

On the other hand, what Kuroo thought of me didn't really matter. I just had to find this culprit to understand, to prove it was murder. Kuroo may have information that could surely help me in my treasure hunt. I was making him stay at my apartment solely for this reason, to use him to my advantage.

Which is why he should have been here thirty minutes ago. What was he even doing at that hour ? He was coming back, right ? He had to come back.

It was only then I understood the ridiculousness of the situation. Me waiting for someone to obtain something. I stopped pacing and sighed. What was I doing ?

The water was boiling when I poured rice in the saucepan. However, a burning splash landed on my forearm. As I was waiting for the burn to cool down a knock was heard on the front door. I swore under my breath. Why did he have to come right at that moment ? He was doing it on purpose without knowing it, I swear. I rapidly warped a wet towel around my forearm before opening the door for him. His smiling face and gleaming eyes unfolded behind the door. What a weird way to say hello to someone you didn't even know the name of.

"I'm back !" he announced

I acted as if nothing happened. I especially acted like he did not take away a complete storm of questions with him as he crossed the threshold. As he took off his shoes I went back to the kitchen, the water coming out of the saucepan.

I sighed.

"Where have you been ?" I asked quietly

"Aw, were you worried about me ?"

The black haired appeared on my viewing field, a smirk paste on his lips. I didn't answer him. He washed his hands while casting a few side glances in my direction to check that I wasn't making faces at him. His gaze ends up falling on my hand wrapped in the wet towel.

"You burned yourself ?"

I moved to the other side of the kitchen like I haven't heard him.

"Let me see."

He mimicked the movement to take my forearm but I stepped back just as fast. I didn't want him to touch me. Kuroo was surely an idiot because no matter how much I repeated to him that I didn't want us getting closer in any type of way, he didn't seem to understand.

"Don't touch me. Go away."

He threw his hands in the air.

"That's all you keep saying ! Go away, leave me alone... I am not going to try anything. Trust me a bit. " he pleaded

I was silent for a moment, staring at him coldly. Kuroo didn't try to move back or forward, leaving me the choice of his next move. Although he was more making me think of a guy that was trying to approach a scared animal.

He took a step forward. I took a step back.

"Don't."

The dark haired frown before his entire face relaxed. He shrugged his shoulders and moved right, turning his back on me.

"What are you doing ?" I spoke with a small voice.

He just pointed at the saucepan and proceeded to clean the mess I made with the rice. I watched him doing so. A couple of minutes passed by this way, there was no use saving the rice. He turned around to look at me.

"Will you show me now ?" he interrogated me

I bit my bottom lip and his eyes followed the action. Anger spread through my thoughts.

"Are you deaf or is your IQ negative ?" I said gritting my teeth.

His eyebrows shooted up.

"So you're just watching me ?"

I didn't answer. He took a step forward, I put my injured hand between us as a reflex but the movement was too sudden, letting the pain come back evilly. Kuroo stayed put, observing me.

"You're too stubborn, let me look. I will stop the moment you tell me to."

I looked into his eyes that were screaming truthfulness.

"You will serve me as a doormat if you don't." I whispered quietly

By his rising smile I knew he heard me.

"It would be an honor to serve you as your doormat." he answered

He was the first to withdraw from our visual link, he carefully watched as I unrolled the towel to reveal a nasty burn little by little. The dark haired took my wrist gently to get a closer look. His gaze creeped up my forearm. I tore the limb from his hold.

"What's that ?"

His voice was more curious than reproachful. I didn't need his pointed finger to understand he was asking about the marks that ran on a portion of my forearm. They emerged in all sorts of shapes, sizes and different directions. They were present for different reasons and different weaknesses. I tried to cover them with the sleeve of my sweater but he didn't let it happen.

I froze. He wasn't supposed to know. I felt his eyes searching mine which were trying to flee.

"Why ?" he just asked, like the response was as simple as the sky being blue.

Silence was my answer. His gaze anchored on those marks once again.

"You're not doing it anymore... right ?"

My statement stayed the same. I pushed away his hand that was holding my forearm, this time succeeding.

"These are not going to help you. They are only dragging you down each time you're looking at them. Your body is not the problem, it has nothing to do with it."

His fingertips trace my forearm skin, I put a bigger distance between us. I knew he was saying the right thing, however these scars were there for a reason. Kuroo needed a few seconds to comprehend that I wouldn't give him an answer. The taller one opened the fridge and took out a couple of ice cubes which ended up in a plastic bag. I just looked at him, watching his mind work.

He showed me the sofa with a vague movement of his hand, telling me I should sit down. As I did what I was told by the dark haired, he came back with a dry towel, the plastic bag. When he turned around he stopped, surprised to find my gaze on him.

"Let me take care of it." he simply said when he got closer.

I knew he wasn't doing this cause he cared but only because he needed a place to crash at. I couldn't allow myself to be weak in front of him, there will be a time when I won't be needed anymore. By talking to him, I would give him all the weapons to bring me down easily. Kuroo was part of my life before it happened. I didn't want anything from it to spoil my life if it didn't bring me anything new.

I only lived for my mother's murderer. That's the meaning I had given to my life. That's the meaning I had chosen to give it. I didn't find it sad that it was that way. I didn't find it sad that there was only a small cactus on the living room's windowsill. Suga gave it to me two years ago and named it Camelia due to the light pink of its flower. I didn't find it sad that I only had one guy to definitely call "my friend". I didn't find it sad that I wasn't out to party every two weeks, it only drained me. I didn't find it sad that I didn't have a lot of hobbies. I didn't find it sad that when I returned home, I found my apartment as I had left it. People just needed to understand we all had a different way to live. It was that way because I wanted it that way. It was only my life to choose.

People like Kuroo couldn't understand, they were living like everything needed a meaning. It didn't need a meaning. It's just the way it was.

"What are you thinking about ?" pierced the dark haired.

I blinked and looked down at what he was doing. Goosebumps appeared in the zone where the ice was a second ago. He put large bandages to cover the wound to surely avoid the friction between skin and clothes. The dark haired sighed.

"Why won't you trust me a bit ?"

I looked into his eyes.

"The only thing I want is information."

He turned his head so I couldn't see the expression written on it.

"What makes you think I know anything about it ?"

"Why don't you want to answer then ?"

His shoulders lowered suddenly.

"You're going to throw me away the minute I tell you." he confessed

A few moments passed by before I answered :

"No, I am not."

His eyebrows shooted up. His honey eyes fell again on my injured arm.

"You should have gone to the hospital."

When he understood I wasn't going to answer him, Kuroo stood up. Then, as if nothing had happened, he asked me :

"You have done enough for today. What can I cook for dinner tonight ?"

A warm sensation spread through my chest before I could stop it's progress. I won't let it get to my head. I didn't want him to make me want to come home for anything other than the comfort of my own home. I wasn't going to fall into his trap. He was doing it on purpose. He was just going to leave the moment he found a better arrangement.

I shouldn't have given him what he wanted. I had to hurry because I couldn't control how long he was going to stay here. Maybe he was lying, he was only staying here for warmth. Perhaps he was just an element to find the culprit. He certainly knew something that I did not. All this was for just a short while, a moment. He wasn't going to stay, in just a few weeks, maybe even days he won't be here anymore.

I couldn't get attached, it wasn't what I needed.There was nothing to gain from it.

I sighed which caught my supposed roommate's attention. He moved closer to me and crouched down. He pretended to want to take my small hands in his but I hid them before he could take them.

"What's the matter ?"

I shrugged my shoulders, looking away from the dark haired.

"You're not going to tell me anything ?" I whispered

He shook his head.

"It's not easy for me to talk about it."

The taller one rubbed his hand on the back of his neck. I could help but feel a weird feeling creeping on my thoughts. I couldn't quite put my finger on it yet. He must have felt my eyes on him because he added that he just needed time. Time was okay, I could wait a little, I have already waited so much.

"Stop thinking so much, your head is gonna explode."

He ruffled my hair as he stood up. I stared at him. Kuroo set both of his hands in the air, saying sorry like he had done something he shouldn't have. He was right, he shouldn't have.

"Don't worry about the rice. I'm just curious about what could have distracted you..."

One of his eyebrows moved up and down. I almost couldn't stop an eyeroll. If that was the way to get answers the quickest way...

The thing is I never tried that. Like seriously, me seducing anyone ? I didn't need to try to know I was awkward.

"Do you... Do you really want to know ?" I whispered pretending to mimic his smirk.

"Yeah." he whispered back, impatient.

I moved closer to him until my lips were to the same level with his ear. A shiver ran down my back. It was the first time I was this close to someone and having intentions. Maybe I wasn't doing it right... Maybe I was too close, my breath smelled bad or my hair was in front of his mouth.

Do it. You need answers.

"I was thinking about... What you could do for me during your stay here."

Okay, so now I wasn't in control of the situation anymore.

It didn't stop there. I pulled back to look at him and saw a smile touch his full lips, which displeased me. I remember oh too well the Kuroo Tetsuro who had everyone at his feet six years ago. It was annoying how it always happened, no matter where he goes. There was a fat chance that if I showed him interest I would get the information I wanted quicker. I had to play his game as if I, too, was amazed by him. It would be even better if I could make him fall in love with me so I could crush him after.

Kuroo bent to reverse our roles. This time it was his mouth next to my ear, whispering in return :

"Any ideas ?"

I could hardly control the shivers that he provoked.

"I'm still thinking about it." I answered on the spot.

I couldn't think about anything right now to be honest. My thoughts were filled with a mix of adrenaline and something else making me blush. His hand land softly on my jaw as he told me :

"I will be waiting."

He pulled away slowly as if to make me hesitate. It didn't work. I will not hesitate. I needed answers, that's all.

"So what can I cook ?" he asked instead.

I tried to act like I wasn't shaken about what just happened.

"Something edible."

Kuroo brought one of his hands to his neck to scratch it before answering me negatively.

How is it possible that this guy, in 24 years of existence, does not know how to make pasta ? Hearing no reaction from me, he turned to me. I looked at him not knowing whether to laugh or cry at the situation we found ourselves in.

"How did you survived for..."

"Jail, you know."

The dark haired crossed his arms and looked away from me. Although he had the body of a giant, was rather dark in terms of vibe, ready to crush me with one hand at any moment, he acted like a child.

"So what do we do now ?" he tried.

"Why did you even propose to cook if you don't know how to ?" I exhaled

"I was trying to be nice !"

I saw his arms tighten up against his chest. I rolled my eyes.

"I saw you, stop doing that !" he said as he pointed at my face.

He was such a child for such a big body.

"You're a child." I said quietly.

"Nonsense" he responded while pursing his lips.

He threw his head to the side but the small visible corner of his lips creeped up a bit. I couldn't guess what was happening in his head since he always had been so easy to read. While he followed each of my instructions no matter its simplicity I stared at the frown of his eyebrows, the little lines that appeared on his forehead, his slightly open lips, his...

What was I doing ?

Kuroo wasn't there for the simple reason of being present. He was there to help me find the solution to my surferring. Why was I making him learn how to cook pasta and not writing down the name of his cellmates ? I was only losing time.

It wasn't until a couple of seconds that I understood my trail of thoughts... I was looking at him because he seemed... I couldn't think that. What if he thought I was weird ?

I turned my head to look through the window, my head going a million miles an hour. How could I think of that when the only reason I needed Kuroo was the information he was gatekeeping ?

"All done sir"

I didn't see him get closer to me until he clapped his hand in front of me, making me jump. My only reaction was to look at him. It was the only thing I could do at the moment.

"Are you okay ? Does it still hurt ?" Kuroo asked, already moving to the other side of the couch to check my injured wrist.

"I will just take a painkiller."

I ripped my forearm from his hold to get up. The dark haired seemed a bit confused but from the corner of my eyes, I saw him shake his head. When the saucepan was put on the table he announced :

"I present to you a masterpiece made by my hands."

He shook his head as a way to congratulate himself. I just look at him.

"Kuroo, it's pasta." I replied deadpan

He simply smiled and replied :

"The bare necessities of life will come to you" he quoted . "It doesn't take much to be happy... I learned to make pasta today. You could have at least said thank you."

"It doesn't take much to be happy" A sentence known worldwide despite its simplicity. It was easy for him to say it since he had nothing to lose. All he could do was take. Just like me.

But deep down, I just couldn't admit that I was jealous. I was jealous of him because deep down I certainly knew I had absolutely no idea what could make me happy.

The only solution was to find this person, this murderer, the reason why my life turned out this way. I had decided this person would be the holder of all my dreams and hopes. There was no other issue than this. They were the reason no matter what.

"Thank you"

⚯

Edited : 03.2025

Chapter Text

Winter's only pretty when you're warm - Atlas 

Chapter 4𓇚 ※ 𓇚

Kuroo's POV

To be totally honest, I was worried.

Worried about this situation.

Worried about this place.

Worried about the person next to me.

Worried about being here.

Worried about being there.

I was worried, just worried.

This whole situation made no sense. I didn't understand why he didn't kick me out... I wasn't going to complain about it, but I found the "you'll work and give me the money you earn" excuse a bit strange.

While we ate, the blond didn't even speak. I often spied on him, out of the corner of my eye, but his facial expression remained the same, neutral. I knew that if the urge suddenly took me I could leave this apartment without looking back, maybe that's what I was supposed to do.

I was completely in the dark, no landmark to use as a lifeline. Either way, I had no idea what his name was. Already the first time we had met he didn't want to answer this question.

- What's your name ?

- It's still not is not today that you will have the answer to this question.

- Does that mean you're willing to answer others?

His fork stopped scraping his plate when he heard me say that. The blond got up and put his stuff in the sink.

- No.

My sigh was silent but it did not escape his eyes

- Goodbye. he continued before opening the door to her room.

- When was the last time you touched grass ? I ended up getting angry.

When his head was turned I saw his red cheeks and his big surprised honey eyes. I realized that it had a double meaning as an expression, which bothered me.

- I'm saying that because you don't seem to go out much, calm down sweetie.

It was my turn to roll my eyes. He really thought I was talking about her sex life ? Although... He was right, I would have if I wasn't on already slippery ground. I saw his smile disappear.

- Do you spend your whole days in your room ? I continued.

His cheeks swelled. It was silence that answered my question.

- Go put on some warm clothes. I said suddenly. We're going out for some fresh air, it will do us good.

He remained unmoved for a few seconds.

- No. he ended up saying. I have things to do tonight and I don't have to be part of your plans, Kuroo.

- It can wait 30 minutes, can't it ? The world will not have time to change in such a short time ! Come on, come on ! We're really going to enjoy ourselves !

He was grumbling silently and I thought I heard the word "kid" in the whole thing. He started to walk back to his room.

- I don't have time for that bullshit. Go alone.

- No way, you'll take the time to come outside with me.

And I took his forearm, as he had done for me that first evening, to pull him towards the entrance. I was going to get him out somehow.

- Kuroo, I advise you not to do that.

- What are you going to do anyway ? I asked mockingly.

He tore himself away from me with force. His eyes, which could have killed me, locked with mine violently.

- Leave me alone.

- What should I do to make you come out?

- Nothing, I don't want to. It's cold outside. Snow is beautiful to look at and cold to touch. added the blonde.

- It's the concept of winter, honey, what do you want to do about it ? You have to accept the bad side of things to get the best out of them, right ? You have to accept the cold to do...

- Are you giving me a life lesson, you, great philosopher, who stayed in prison for six years ? Who doesn't understand anything ?

I showed my annoyance through a sigh. I took his forearm, once again, to pull him towards me, the embarrassment seemed to paralyze him. I helped him put on his long black coat, paying attention to his bruised hand and wrapped his neck awkwardly in his red scarf. I was satisfied seeing his face disappear under the fabric. When his face was in my field of vision, I let him look at me with that neutral expression.

- You don't understand anything you're told. he said.

Once our shoes were on, I got up to adjust my double layer of sweaters, having no assigned coat. I did not admit it out loud but my chest was compressed to unpleasant. The slightest movement made the fabric of my t-shirt slip which was stuck on my skin... was a funny feeling.

- Can we go shopping tomorrow ?

- No.

- But the clothes are too small.

- It's not my problem.

I didn't waste time for asking anyway. After finding a black scarf on the coat rack, I turned off the lights by pulling him with me before opening the door while saying :

- We're out !

The one accompanying me withdrew from my grip on him before walking quickly towards the elevator without looking back at me. His reaction made me smile, he could be fierce when he really wanted something. Right now, he did not want to have any connection with me, whatever the means.

I ran after him, not letting him put distance between us. I noticed that we weren't the only ones in the elevator. There was another duo but that was all they were because otherwise one was the opposite of the other. They had nothing to do with each other.

On one side was a man my age, a little shorter than me, who had little black rivers of complicated curls for his hair. His eyes, a deep sapphire blue, were fixed coldly on the elevator door that had just closed. His posture, his hands in the pockets of his long gray coat, made him look like a businessman. His neck was highlighted with a white turtleneck sweater, raising his head proudly on his shoulders. He exuded serenity and calm.

On the other side was his opposite, a taller man with broader shoulders that were pulled up to his chest, making him look sulky. My impression was confirmed by his hands, which were clenched into fists in the pockets of his black sports jacket. His very unusual hairstyle, even for crazy teenage trends, was spiky streaks arranged in shades of gray strands. His closed eyes were set off by pointed eyebrows, giving him a stern look. As for his lips, which were more plump than anything else, were pursed. His foot kept moving, reminding me of the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland waiting impatiently.

I could already guess what this guy was thinking.

- Akaashi, please. suddenly came the gray.

- No. replied the other without hesitation.

- But I was told that we should absolutely try these ice creams. They are to fall for.

He turned to the so-called Akaashi, letting me see his eyes at the same time. They were large and intense like those of an owl. His words had no effect on the man who accompanied him.

- Bokuto, it's winter and you want to go eat an ice cream ? Do you have anything better to offer me, seriously ?

- It's always time to go eat an ice cream, come please ! It's on me.

- No.

The big one, Bokuto, was returning to his stage of a disgruntled child. He crossed his arms and turned his head in the opposite direction. Their interaction made me smile gently, my gaze came to meet another that made me think of honey.

- Do you want to go get some ice cream ? I asked the one who accompanied me.

At first he didn't answer, his only reaction was to tilt his head as if he didn't understand. His eyes never left mine and I could see the confusion filling them. My smile widened.

- An ice cream ? he replied.

I nodded.

- You made me leave my house to go eat ice cream ? he repeated, incredulous.

I nodded again but this time with less enthusiasm.

- Actually, I also wanted to take you somewhere before that. I responded by giving him a wink.

- I'm going home.

- No, you're coming with me. What are you going to do at home other than lock yourself in your room like a teenager ?

- I do what I want and I want to go home.

This conversation being closed, he tore his eyes away from mine to stare at the wall instead. The blond put his hands in his pockets, squeezing and unclenching them repeatedly.

- Please.

- Nope.

I sighed.

- Hey! I want to come with you ! Bokuto said suddenly, smiling at me with all his teeth.

I answered this one and nodded.

- I will come. Akaashi declared all of a sudden. I can't leave you alone for a minute without you messing up anything you can get your hands on. I'd be a poor friend if I left you alone with someone you don't know that well.

The blonde shook his head when I asked him again. As for the gray, he jumped to hug his friend while repeating to him how incredible he was. Akaashi, despite the fact that he was rolling his eyes, pat gently Bokuto's head.

The elevator doors opened, announcing that we had arrived on the ground floor. When I saw the mailboxes of people living in this building, an idea came to my mind. He lived in apartment 309. I let my eyes drift over names and numbers. Found it :

309 - Kenma Kozume

Kenma. Kenma. Kenma.

I couldn't have given him a name that suited him better than the one he already had.

I finally had a name to put on his face, on his golden feline eyes and his pudding hair. I had a hard time fighting the smile that wanted to appear on my lips thanks to this small victory. Kenma. Kenma.

I asked our small group if we could stop on the way. Bokuto sulked until we came to a park without any tree in view. The blond was following us, a little behind the group, looking around furtively.

The cold was starting to set in, biting my skin until it became hot where it touched me. I promised myself that as soon as I had some money, the first thing I would buy would be a coat.

It was with difficulty that I collected snow with my bare hands to give it the rough shape of a ball. I turned around to throw it in the direction of Bokuto who had crouched down to put the white layer into a pile. The ball came in his back with violence, which was the result of a gasp of disbelief on the part of my victim.

- I was building a castle and... And you destroyed it. You are going to pay. he said, turning around.

- Normally we build sand castles, not snow castles. Are you dumb or something ?

There was an intense gleam in his eyes that was screaming at me to go hide or I was going to suffer the consequences. However, I did not move, ready to do battle with him. The blond and Akaashi didn't take part in our battle, looking at us like adults watching over their children.

- You're going to stay there until we leave ? shouted Bokuto, out of breath from chasing me without catching me.

The brunette nodded. Bokuto acted as if he hadn't seen anything and gathered snow in his hands before throwing his content in his direction. The ball broke before reaching its target, splashing Akaashi and the one who accompanied us. A complete silence settled after between us.

- Bokuto, run if you value your life ! I shouted in my turn.

Our snowball fight was a real bloody war between our two camps. It pained me to admit it but they had the upper hand on us, their strategy was just better... Akaashi threw the balls and his sidekick made them. On our side it was... Whatever comes into our mind is good to try.

This circus continued for about ten minutes before my partner, Bokuto, admitted our defeat. The poor guy was out of breath and barely standing on his legs, which were shaking like a newborn fawn.

- Hey Bokubro, don't you have trouble fucking with your rotten grandpa's heartbeat ? I asked while laughing. Does the other have time to finish anyway ?

I received a few seconds after a snowball in the face that I felt to the end of my nails. The culprit was none other than Kenma and his cheeks powdered with shame.

- My knees are weak, that's all ! Then in terms of endurance I'm sure I'm doing better than you ! said the gray while raising one of his sharp eyebrows.

- Is your childish conversation over ? interrupted his friend.

- When do we do this, big boy ? I will fight you whenever you want. I continued.

- We can even do that now if you want. responded the victim.

After having convinced him that given his condition, he was bound to lose, we set July 2 as the date. Bokuto assured me that by then he would be in great shape. Personally, I was also relieved because apart from painting lessons and books, I hadn't done anything during my 6 years in prison which meant that I was in pretty bad shape... But he didn't need to know that.

When we were on the right way for ice cream, the cold nibbled my hands restlessly. No matter how deep I pushed them into my sweatshirt's pockets, that didn't change anything. The brunette, seeing my discomfort, offered me his gloves which I accepted immediately.

We ended up arriving at our destination, a small ice cream stand like the most common thing in the world. Bokuto was jumping around, impatient as a kid. I took an ice cream with two scoops, one with dark chocolate and pear. Akkashi and Kenma preferred to have coffee given the cold temperatures.

We went into the shop next door which sold some and the two most responsible of the four of us walked up to the counter to order. The blonde seemed to get along well with the brunette...how did he make those honey eyes look so bright ?

Neither of us had touched our ice cream yet, we were just looking at each other. The man at the counter was handing them their drinks while chatting with the blond, which did surprise me considering Kenma avoided any type of social contact from my observations. What was so special about all these people ? Akaashi and this vendor, what was so special about them ? It was impossible for me to have a calm conversation with the blond.

When their conversation dragged on, when Akaashi had come to sit on the table and especially because our ice cream was starting to flow, I got up to take part in the conversion that was taking place at the counter.

- Is something wrong ? I started to interfere.

Kenma turned around when he heard my voice and gave me a look that I didn't understand.

- Everything is fine. he answered.

I saw out of the corner of my eye the waiter smiling at him... I had been in this "field" long enough to know that we had to leave now. Something was going to happen in this deserted cafe. I took his hot drink in one hand and his wrist in the other to get out of here quickly.

This smile displeased me, it was unhealthy.

- Kuroo ! Kuroo, damn it ! You're hurting me ! whispered furiously the one I pulled behind me.

I stopped to see that I was holding him tightly where he had been burned earlier in the evening. I put my hand around his shoulders, which I found frail under my touch, to move us forward.

- Sorry.

- Can you explain yourself at least ? For the last time, let me go !

He withdrew forcefully from my somewhat of an embrace.

- The guy was weird. I said.

I heard the smaller sigh.

- It is not your problem. I can manage on my own, leave it to me.

Then the blonde moved quickly to leave me in the dust of his steps. Looking behind me, I saw that Bokuto and Akaashi weren't far behind. They both looked at me with incomprehension written on their faces. I decided to shrug my shoulders, not finding it necessary to explain the situation to them.

Some bitter memories suddenly came back to me. I wanted to lead a life that could forgive the eighteen-year-old Kuroo... No matter how much I repeated to myself that I was young and inexperienced in life, that didn't excuse any of my past actions.

But on the other hand, I wanted to make up for lost time. I wanted to make up for my nonexistent college student years even though I had already had a lot of fun. Despite what I had accomplished before, it was possible that I would rebuild myself as a person that my parents would be proud of. That I would rebuild myself as a person I would be proud of.

However, if it were possible and perhaps even within my reach to do that, it remained impossible to replace the life that I took from my hands. I couldn't live as if my soul was white as snow. I couldn't pretend that my only concern was the outcome of the semester exams or someone's feelings for me.

I couldn't do that. I was given a mission, a last wish. I had someone to find right now. All these questions could wait a little longer.

When our path separated from the one of Akaashi and Bokuto, the latter invited us to come by in the next few days so that we could get to know each other. It was with a smile that I responded to this proposal.

I was still in my bubble when I heard the blonde reaching into his pocket to pull out his apartment keys.

- I'm going to bed. he said when he passed the doorstep.

- Kenma. Kenma Kozume that's your name.

The blond paused, turned to look at me. He was glaring at me again, which almost made him look menacing.

- No.

I approached him to show that I would not believe his lie because he was still looking at me eagerly.

- God damn it, I don't understand what would be your interest in lying to me... Do you have something to hide my dear Kenma ?

- I don't have to hide anything. I just want you to know the least about me. I don't want to be mixed up with you and your stories.

With that, he turned on his heels to close the door to his room without adding anything else. It would be a lie if I said that his words hadn't hurt me... I couldn't blame him, the consequences of my staying were greater for him than for me. I could only thank him for his unexplained kindness.

While brushing my teeth, I took the opportunity to look at myself in the mirror as I had already done yesterday. I wanted to erase those dark circles that had dug into my skin due to those sleepless nights during my years of imprisonment. I didn't like the person looking at me. I wanted to change.

The next few minutes passed quickly, when I was done washing up and after wrapping a towel around my hips, I was rummaging through the drawers for something sharp. I found some scissors and got to work right away.

I spent at least 15 minutes trying to do something decent, my strands of cut hair were all over the bathroom floor. One thing for sure, I was not born to be a hairdresser. I didn't necessarily like myself more, but I had at least changed a little in term of face.

All traces of my disaster gone, I left this room and passed my roommate on the way to the trash can. I felt my heart sink at the sight.

- You wouldn't have thought you were at the hairdresser by any chance ?

- I don't have the money to go.

My response cut him short as he paused, looking thoughtful. Kenma sighed and ended up asking me :

- Why aren't you sleeping right now ?

I did not answer this question. I couldn't tell him, he wouldn't understand. He would think I was crazy... Maybe that was what I was. Crazy. Mad.

When is a person considered crazy ?

It was seeing the blonde's eyes go up and down that I realized that I only had the towel around my hips to cover myself.

- Do you like what you see ? I asked before giving him a smirk.

- Do you want me to be honest ?

Even before I could answer him "correct", he continued :

- It's so ugly that you're dazzling me. Am I supposed to be thinking about anything else other than that ?

The moments after were long because I thought I had misheard. I approached him.

- Come on be honest, you like what you see.

Kenma was starting to shake and my smile grew bigger until I realized...

- Are you mocking me ? I realized.

- Have you seen yourself ?

- Yes, I am handsome. Have you seen me ?

- Oh but I see you well... However you should maybe check your eyesight ? he repeated.

- Is it really that bad ?

He stopped snickering soon after to ask me to kneel down. I followed his instructions without further questions even if I did not understand his request. I heard scissors coming closer to my head and I couldn't help but shiver.

- Is it that terrible ? I repeated, finally understanding the meaning of his actions.

- Yes.

He answered me softly, his words just as soft as his gestures. Kenma ran his hands through my hair as he could cut my uneven locks more easily. It was a pleasant feeling but I didn't admit it out loud, he might think that I had something ideas in mind. Silence reigned between us, the only things we could hear were our breaths and the scissors.

I closed my eyes, just concentrating on the feeling of those hands running through my hair. I savored this contact until the sound of the scissors stopped. Once I was up, my eyes met Kenma's in the mirror. It was like something intimate had happened between us floated in the air like a perfume that stuck on the skin all day long.

His work was more detailed than mine, I had to give him that. I ran my hands through my hair to mess it up. They fell as before, a lock on the right side advanced on my forehead and the rest was going everywhere. It was my high school hairstyle, the one I was ashamed of. No matter how much I ran away from "him", he remained me and I remained him. We were and always will be the same person forever

It's just a hairstyle, it was getting ridiculous.

I smiled before turning to thank him. The blond had with him a broom to clean the bathroom.

- Is it better like that ? I was asking.

- Don't compare what I did to what you did. We are universe apart.

A burst of laughter escaped me.

- How do I look ?

- Normal ?

- It doesn't matter, you will see me one day for who I am and realize I'm worth all the rumors. I said winking at myself in the mirror.

I heard sneers again.

- If it will help you sleep better tonight.

Silence.

- Do you really have nothing to say ? I asked.

- No ? Go to bed already maybe ? he replied, uncertain.

I made a grimace before stepping out of the bathroom for good.

- Oh and put some clothes on !

- Eh ?

He closed the bathroom door behind himself, the only answer to my question was the sudden flow of the shower. I closed my eyes, a smile on my face.

Maybe it wasn't so bad being here. I had a plate to eat on, a roof to sleep under and maybe a roommate that wasn't as bad and annoying as I thought.

Well actually, I had no idea at the time. No idea about what to come.

⚯

Chapter Text

Sometimes I wish life was like a book so I could sneak a peak at the last few pages just to make sure everything turns out okay

Chapter 5 𓇚※𓇚

Kenma's Pdv

I often wondered what was the purpose of a life.

Why were we alive and why could this gift be taken away from us so easily ? If we were all there, it was good for a reason, right ?

So why was I just a person among people ? So why did the gloomy and monotonous colors of winters pair perfectly with their smiles if the goal of life was to be happy ?

If I had dared to ask the question to my philosophy teacher during my third year of high school, he would have answered me: "The purpose of life is to love and to be loved". I had always been convinced that he was a lover of love. If I had tried to make our conversations longer he would, without a doubt, have driven me just as mad as he was.

But if the purpose of life is to love and to be loved, what is love ? There was self-love, friendly love and then passionate love. What can it have more than all these other feelings that we can experience randomly in our everyday life ? Feelings such as pleasure were just pass by things, we are only animals that rely on sensations. We scream when it hurts and smile when it feels good. Feelings are only artificial things.

I had the example again today when I worked at "The Bird" this morning. Daichi, whom I hadn't seen for 2 weeks, was keeping us company on his day off. Suga clung to him like a panda to its bamboo.

- Suga was sulking because he didn't see me anymore.

The silver-haired one turned his head to smile softly at him.

- I like my job, Suga.

- Yes, more than us from what we see. he replied, peeling himself away from his fiancé.

He distanced himself from us and cleaned the counter. I looked again at Daichi who seemed to be searching for his words, he came towards him wanting to take Suga in his arms. The door opened at that moment, taking us by surprise.

- I'm taking care of it. Fix that. I tell them, brushing them off with the back of my hand.

Nothing was out of the ordinary that day. Customers came in and out to buy a drink or a pastry. Daichi offered to go and sweep outside to make the access to the cafe easier. Suga approached me.

- When I go to bed and the other side of the bed isn't occupied... or when I wake up to find the cold sheets on his side... It's hard.

- His work is hard.

Suga sighed.

- But I know all that ! I know ! And it's frustrating. Frustrating because nothing is the same without him. He's my person, nothing can be the same without him. Love is a terrifying feeling, it's giving arms to another to bring you down.

I shrugged when I heard that.

- You'll see one day, you can't escape it. No one escapes it. Stay as you are Kenma. Don't change for anything in the world.

The silver haired man eventually sent me home and I could help but turn around as I walked out, Suga gave me a pointed look. Daichi again tried to take him in his arms but his companion violently pushed him away.

It made me uncomfortable to see them like that... The ones who had been so tight-knit when they welcomed me into their home.

No, the purpose of a life was not "to love and to be loved". It's not that complicated. Maybe life is just like a video game. You just have to pass stages and levels as you go... It would only consist of acquiring experience to become stronger, to beat the bosses of the game more easily. Quite simple. The goal is to survive.

When I got home, I felt relief spread throughout my body, Kuroo hadn't come home yet. However, I only had about twenty minutes before the devil knocked on my door. He walked into my apartment with a big smile plastered on his lips.

I cooked and reprimanded the dark one because he was watching what I was cooking while being right behind me. I didn't like the closeness he wanted to put between us. We were both in the kitchen when I asked him the next question, curious about his answer. We didn't need to know each other for him to respond. It was a universal question :

- What is the purpose of a life, according to you ?

- Realize our dreams.

He said it so naturally that I was almost jealous of the speed of his answer. Kuroo sat next to me and with a towel to wipe the dishes from this morning that I was cleaning. Once again I did not understand his action but I remained stoic when I felt his gaze ricochet on my face.

- What are your dreams ? I questioned him.

He remained silent at first before speaking :

- I'm just a poor 24 years old guy who has been in prison for 6 years, who hasn't yet been able to fully enjoy being of age ...

I saw him smile from the corner of my eye.

- Don't give me the Bad Boy profile you find everywhere in American series. I'm better than this. he added.

I sniffed, making it clear that I didn't believe him.

- Better in the sense of a better jerk ?

The one who was standing next to me stopped all gestures he was doing to laugh... Well, I think he was laughing because it looked like a hyena. After those few extended seconds, I was starting to worry because he was holding his stomach.

- Aren't you upset ? I asked instead.

It took a moment before he recovered a little.

- No, I don't know you so I won't take your opinion of me into consideration. You mostly caught me off guard. he said between quick breaths.

I shrugged, not thinking less of my words. After eating, I spent the next hour sprawled full length under the covers of my bed, my fingers tapping rapidly on the red and blue knobs of my switch.

I end up rolling onto my back, staring hard at the white ceiling and thinking long and hard about the conversation we just had. According to him, the purpose of a life would be to realize our dreams. Plants were alive and they did not necessarily have ambitions, their days were limited to feeding, growing and reproducing... But I was not a plant.

In books, it said that human beings were particularly remarkable because they had ambition, and dreams. When it was disturbed it was sometimes difficult to keep going. However I knew well that I would never be disturb, I will not wither, I would not let it slip from my hands before I know. I had to know who the killer was. I had to know the why and the how. I'll take care of the rest after.

My apartment was silent, my console had ended up going on sleep mode, I was the only one left. It took me several minutes before I thought that it had been abnormal since a few days, with this intruder here. Maybe he had left eventually, realizing there was nothing in particular to steal.

I remained disturbed that he had so little reaction to my insult. I expected him to be pised or at least glare at me. There is none of that. Nothing. I didn't like it.

What was I waiting for, lying on my bed, while Kuroo surely had answers that I had been waiting for years ?

-Kuroo ? I called him with an uncertain voice when I came out of my room.

Where was he ? Panic was beginning to take over my body, forcing my heart to race to my lungs, filling them with toxic air. He was gone ? He was gone for good ?

-Kuroo ? I repeated this time louder.

- Yes Kenma ? I am there.

I turned around and saw his head in the doorway. He smiled gently at me as if the idea of leaving here hadn't crossed his mind yet. I barely concealed my relief because he immediately asked me :

- Is something wrong ? What's going on ? You seem to be out of breath, what were you doing in your room...

He stopped what he was doing and approached me to put his two hands on each of my shoulders. The dark haired one shook me gently while telling me to look at him. I slowly lifted my head to stop at an evil smile on his pale crimson lips.

- Oh... but what were you doing in your...

- I need you. I cut him off in his tracks.

When my eyes finally met his, surprise lit them up. My cheeks flushed as I realized why I was getting such a reaction from him. What a...Triple idiot.

- I have to ask you some questions. I added.

Kuroo did something that startled me, he suddenly brought his face closer to mine until it was the only thing I had in my line of sight. I backed away immediately.

- What are you doing ?

- I was just looking at you, calm down. You have slivers of hazelnuts in your eyes, I hadn't noticed that before.

He gave me one of his characteristic smiles. I lifted the element of his sudden curiosity to the ceiling.

- What did you want to ask me, pudding ?

Any train of thoughts in my mind stopped short.

- Wait, what did you just call me ?

- Pudding. then seeing my incomprehension he added the following thing. You know because of your faded hair...

My reflex was to put my two hands on them as if I wanted to hide them. I had never thought of it now that he had just pointed it out to me, it's was the only thing I saw now.

- Hey Kenma are you still with me ?

He then put his hands on my shoulders again but I turned around before he could continue his circus.

The dark one didn't see me again the evening after that episode.

...

It's was early morning when something attacked my hair as I quietly drank my milk.

- What are you doing ?

- I'm untangling them. he said, returning to his occupation.

He picked up my hair, parting it with the brush. I pushed those intrusive fingers out of my head to look him straight in the eye. The fact that he touched me so easily displeased me. Why was he doing this now ? He had shown me again yesterday that we were not friends. He touched hair that made him think of pudding.

- Kuroo, I don't want your help. You're only making things worse.

- So what do you want ? What do you want me to do ?

There was a silence that was not filled by any of us. We were no longer talking about hair to detangle. I would have liked to provide answers to his questions but I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. I know what I wanted, I was burning with impatience to tell him of my hopes. I wanted him to help me. I wanted him to help me find the killer because I hadn't seen the light at the bottom of the tunnel for a while.

When I left my apartment without saying goodbye to the dark haired, leaving the dirty dishes in the sink, I hurried through the crowded streets of Tokyo. I had to get to the cafe quickly or Suga would wonder why my routine was disrupted.

I wouldn't want to answer him and I'd lived long enough to know the silver guy wasn't a person to have your back toward them.

Once back in the cafe, I greeted him in the storage room while tightening the brown apron to my waist. As I walked to the counter to start taking orders from customers, I pulled my hair back into a ponytail. I didn't want them to think I looked like pudding even though it made me terribly uncomfortable to have such a wide field of vision.

All because of a poor comment that I should never have taken to heart.

...

I handled the small weight, 3,68 lbs, between my gloved hands as I had often done during the last 6 years. Maybe I hadn't seen something the last time... Even though I knew exactly the position of each of the scratches on it. Why had the culprit used such an ancient weapon ? There were much more modern ones, much quieter, faster, more manageable... So why this one ? That's all I had to say on the subject : Why, why, why.

I put the gun back in its bubble pouch, hidden in one of my desk drawers. I put both of my elbows on the wooden table to put my head in my hands. A loud sigh escaped me, I won't get anywhere. What was the use of knowing, mom was gone. Why search ? It's will be better if I drop everything.

As I tried to drown myself in the covers of my bed, the apartment doorbell rang. No desire, or even motivation, came to . I didn't want to see him, the sight of him was unbearable to me at the moment.

When my eyelids felt heavy he banged on the front door with his fists.

- Kenma, open this door or I'll break it down ! yelled a voice I hadn't expected to hear.

I got straight out of bed to do as he asked. Suga was on my porch. He saw my tangled hair, my misty eyes, my runny nose, my fingernails bitten to blood, my clothes wrinkled, my arms swaying along my body. His gaze softened.

- Kenma, Kenma how many times have I told you not to be depressed. he muttered as his arms wrapped around me for the first time in 3 months.

I did not respond to his gesture and I explained to him even less the reason for my dissatisfaction. I didn't have the strength to push him, I didn't want to anymore. His embrace lasted a little longer, however it was not long enough to have any real effect on my condition. I remained silent. I will not cry. I still didn't know. I still don't know what happened that day. I still don't know why it ended like this.

However, I still had to admit that 6 years without shedding a tear was beginning to pain me. I may never have this deliverance despite my simple request. I would just like to know.

- You know you can tell me anything... My poor little thing, what is the world pranking you for...

One of his hands caressed the back of my head, sliding on my hair which looked like pudding. I felt my lower lip start to quiver slightly but I bit it before this symptom spread to the rest of my body.

I didn't want to see Kuroo. It was a bad idea to tell him to stay here, we were too different to get along.

- Suga. I said in a voice charged with emotion, a voice that didn't sound like mine.

- Yes ?

- Can you go get a box of blonde hair dye... You know, to redo my color. Please ?

The silver man put some distance between us, looking alternately at my two eyes.

- All right, I'll get you this. Go take a shower during that time, it will do you good.

I tried if only raised the corner of my lips, this action was unpleasant for me to prolong so I only nodded. Suga left after giving me a last smile when he closed the door. Before going to take the shower, which was sure to refresh my ideas, I went to the guest room. I was pretty sure that Suga was going to stay the night here, so I had to erase all traces of Kuroo and his presence.

I made the bed again, having no other sheets for it, and took the pile of clothes that I had given to him a few days earlier in my room. When I had finished this I was going to take a shower, however I had hardly had time to take off my sweater when there was a knock once again on my door.

It was too soon for Suga to be back, which meant that... Through the peephole I saw dark hair and sparkling eyes.

- I'm home Kenma !

- Kuroo... you... Can you do me a favor ? I answered him in a voice loud enough for him to hear behind my closed door.

He answered on the spot :

- What can I do for you ?

- I would like you to go somewhere else tonight... For a few days even.

The dark haired didn't respond, I was tempted to watch him through the peephole but when I started to do it I realized that it wouldn't change my decision in any way : I didn't want to see him. The only downside was that I wasn't sure he would come after that time. By telling him that, I gave up knowing what happened that night 6 years ago.

- When can I come back ?

- When I want to see people. I want to be alone.

He was dead silent for a moment. I didn't know what more he expected.

- It's because of my remark about your hair, isn't it ?

I didn't answer, what I did instead was step away from that door and go take my shower. Even though my body had been washed, I remained under the jet of water, letting it cry for me. There were no intrusive thoughts racing through my head... I just didn't think at all.

I had a cent of motivation at one point, I went out to put on some looser clothes. No sooner had I was I seated on my bed, switch in hand, than there was a knock on my door once again.

While I was redoing my color in the bathroom, Suga prepared dinner for the two of us. No conversation pointed the tip of it nose throughout the evening. I caught him several times giving me worried looks yet I acted like I hadn't noticed it. I didn't want to have this conversation with him. Not now and surely, I hoped, never.

He told me that Daichi wouldn't be coming home tonight due to a major emergency. I was content to nod my head to show that I was listening carefully to what he was telling me.

However, even if I would never dare to tell him out loud, I would have liked to be left alone tonight. I wish he'd let me mope for just one night about the life I could have had if I didn't think so much.

Mom was no longer there. Maybe it was suicide in the end, it was professionals who had concluded this file with this word after all. Maybe it all seemed impossible to me because I just didn't know her enough. I just didn't know her enough to know what she was capable of.

Nothing made sense anymore... But it must be said that everything in this world wasn't worth making sense of, a sense specific to its cause. It was just like that, that's all, there were no explanations to give.

Maybe mom's death was one of those things. It was just like that, that's all.

...

The next two days were enough to get me back on my feet. Two days were enough for me to realize my mistake.

I will give meaning to this death. I would like to give it a meaning. There had to be an explanation that hadn't reached me yet. Maybe the police were right, I was too stubborn to listen to reason.

It was in panic that I realized that I had to find Kuroo in the vastness of Tokyo. But this question did not arise for long because he reappeared on my porch the following evening like a lost dog, wanting to give anyone the leash that would make anyone his master.

My door was then opened with mixed feelings of relief and exasperation. Still, I didn't let it show when we looked at each other for the first time in a few days. His eyes fixed on mine told me of tiredness. I vaguely wondered where he had been spending his nights before I realized I had no right to ask him that question after kicking him out.

The dark haired one smiled at me.

- Are you happy to see me ? he said.

I rolled my eyes. The exasperation was already beginning to take over from the relief. I didn't want to be part of this mass of minions who fell at his feet like flies in front of a neon. Although... If I was part of this mass, I would be on his good side faster and I would get the right information more quickly. If I did that, I might go from a few years to a few months of research.

- You could say that. I end up answering.

When I heard no response from him, I turned to see where he was. He was about to take off his shoes but his hands were hanging in the air. When Kuroo looked up I made sure to quickly look away.

- Am I hearing voices or did you just say...

- Don't make me repeat it. Once is enough.

I resumed my progress towards the kitchen and began to heat up some soup. Kuroo unnecessarily entered the room to observe me turning my ladle in the pan. Peering at him out of the corner of my eye, I saw him try to fight a smile from settling on his lips.

I could get used to it for a few months. A few months, the time for the right answers to reach me. A few months was nothing to the relief they were going to give me.

I could get used to it because I know that, in a while, it will all be over.

⚯

Chapter Text

Hey !!

Just once I would like to be the poem and not the poet - j.r rogue

Chapter 6 𓇚※𓇚

Kuroo's POV

The relief I felt spreading through my entire body when Kenma opened the door to his apartment worried me. I had no idea where it was coming from and why it was coming to attack me at this precise moment. Maybe I just felt relieved knowing I could stay at this place for a few nights. It must be said that I was not proud of the way I had spent the previous ones.

2 days ago

After Kenma kindly kicked me out, I found myself wandering the streets of Tokyo. I should have known, of course it would happen..

To tell the truth, I remained skeptical since he had accepted my proposal "that evening" so easily. From a moral point of view it would have been wiser of him to throw me out and go complain to the police station about someone who just broke into his house. The explanation "you will bring me the money you earn" was too vague.

Did he think I was really going to give him the money I was going to be rewarded with ? Did he think that I was going to give him the money earned by my sweat, smiling, without flinching, without anything ?

No, I didn't think Kenma was stupid that's why I knew he was up to something. My presence at his place was beneficial to him for a reason that was still unknown to me. I wanted to know what. Actually, since we had seen each other for the first time under the weeping willow of the small courtyard of our high school I had been able to observe a mysterious aura emitting from him. A few years later I was still at the same stage with him despite different circumstances. The blond was the type of person who made you curious simply by the way they lived. I could only hope that my curiosity about him would eventually die down after the short time we've spent together.

Kenma Kozume was not my friend, nor a buddy. Our destinies crossed for a short moment of our lives as the 18-year-old Kuroo had wanted, however nothing forced me to keep in touch with him afterwards.

Maybe he was a dangerous person, that would explain why he was never and still wasn't surrounded by any type of person. We all had this instinct that told us who to avoid. This feeling of uneasiness, this feeling of goosebumps, this urge to run away.

Yet thinking back to last night I had hurt him with a simple comment on his hair. However, the day before, he had talked with Akaashi, sparkles in his eyes. Maybe the most dangerous out of us two is not him but me. Maybe he had ended up having this urge to run away. He had been smarter than all those others.

I was going to a place that was familiar to me. It was the type of place we often went to with my high school friends, it was where anything could happen. The type of place where that avant-garde instinct didn't have time to set in because everything was already over. What was my surprise when I saw the timeless facade of my beloved Calypso which still proudly bore its name with its horrible flashing pink neon. I pushed open the door and after going down a dozen steps, the walls began to vibrate because of the loud music down stairs. I felt like I was coming home.

After coming down the stairs, I saw a couple flattened against the stone surface devouring each other's faces. My presence had to be invisible because they were occupied only by their desires for each other. Eventually I saw the bar which was lit up with a red light and was infested with human beings of all shapes and sizes.

The person who was on the other side of the bar remained the same after so many years. She remained monstrously beautiful, time did not fail her. It was still my pretty French girl in all her glorious glory.

- Hello, beautiful.

Her blue-green eyes swooped down on me like a bird of prey. I gave her my best smile and surprise could be read on her entire face. Yet I ended up worrying when she only stared.

- Juliette ?

- Give me thirty seconds to reconnect all my neurons. I have an almost irrepressible urge to smack you.

- It's my charm that does that. You want to be glued to me somehow.

- Shut up for now, Kuroo.

My name through her lips gave me the effect of an electric shock. Her recognizable French accent had not yet disappeared. Some things didn't change and I hoped that was one of the things that would never change.

- What are you doing here ?

- I missed you.

- You got some nerves to say that after 6 years of being nowhere to be found. Where were you ?

I didn't answer her right away, not knowing if I should tell her the truth. After a few moments of reflection I responded the opposite.

- Is it really that important to know ? I'm here now, that's all that matters. Can I buy you a drink ?

- You pay a drink to the owner of the bar ?

- You are more to me than just a bar owner.

She rolled her eyes and went to serve other customers. When she saw that after 20 minutes I was still there, she sighed and served me the drink I took every time I came here," a sex on the beach" cocktail. It was an inside joke between us, I didn't think she remembered it.

Then a few minutes later, I was in the middle of a conversation with Juliette, glass in hand, smile on her face. I was lucky that she even had already refilled my drink three times. She asked me to tell her what I had done during those 6 years and I told her everything but the truth. Listening to me she sipped her beer, drinking every word I could say to her.

At one point she came around the bar to grab my forearm and pull me through the crowd. We began to mingle with these bodies of sweat and madness. The music was so loud it seemed to sink into my bones. There was no better way to go deaf.

It would be funny to see Kenma in this type of place. I would never find him here.

Just before we walked up the stairs, I saw a motionless boy in the middle of the dancing crowd. He was looking at us. His features looked familiar to me but my mind was too foggy to know if I really knew him.

We arrived in front of a door that I knew only too well.

- Are you going to leave your bar unattended ? You have a weird sense of priorities my dear...

Her grip on my forearm tightened at the sound of those words.

- Iris has the keys.

With her free hand, she reached into her pocket furiously. I took the opportunity to get closer to her, ending up sticking my chest to her back. By this simple movement, she found herself blocked between the door and me. I hugged her tightly, imprisoning her, aiming to put my head close to her fragile neck. It was always the same smell of luxury, the same perfume, the Chanel N°5. I dropped a kiss then two until I lost count.

- Kuroo stop.

I handed her the keys to her apartment that I had stolen from her earlier.

- I hate it when you do that. You will never change ?

I intertwined our hands and brought them to my lips.

- Never.

Once she had pushed the key into the lock, she pulled me towards her before pressing me against the now closed door. Juliette took possession of my lips and I could once again delight in her soft but scavenging lips. It was just like before.

I put some distance between us and brushed aside a lock of hair that had escaped from her ponytail.

- You're still beautiful.

- Kuroo.

- I know. No string attached between the both of us.

She nodded before pulling me close again.

I wanted to be in the moment with her. I didn't want to think of anything but her ocean eyes locked into mine. Yet the task was more complicated because they were similar to those of the woman I had killed.

...

I woke up and the other side of the bed hadn't been occupied for a while. I was now staring at the string lights hanging from the ceiling. The curtains had been drawn since the night before. If Juliette wasn't with me in bed that meant she wanted me to leave. I was going to have to start looking for a place where to sleep tonight.

Surely she wouldn't mind if I took a shower before I left. I got up from the bed, sighing softly. Picking up my t-shirt lying next to the bed, I wondered what I expected from the young woman. It's not like we promised each other anything.

The shower was quick but honestly I don't know why I was in a rush considering I had nowhere to go afterwards. Going down the stairs I found the Calipso completely transformed compared to the night before.

- Do you ever get bored cleaning these rooms every day ? I asked the woman who wiped glasses behind her bar.

She didn't answer me right away, neither of us looking at the other.

- No, the worst part of it all is the number of condoms that I find everyday...

A chuckle escaped me. Shortly after I offered my help. I was vacuuming this large room which looked nothing like the potential it had at night. One or two hours later, Juliette called out to me :

- Kuroo !

She was in a storage room. When I found her, she asked me to get a box on the highest shelf. I handed her the box smiling.

- What would you do without me ?

Our eyes finally met when she took the box from my hands.

- Kuroo, we need to talk. said the brunette suddenly.

I felt my heart sink. It was unpleasant as a feeling but what was to follow was even more so. It was inevitable, I had avoided it like the plague. However, pure and hard reality kept coming back to knock on my door to steal the possibilities of escaping it.

- Keep your speech Juliette.

The beautiful brunette looked at me with tears that were ready to run down her face. I wanted to hold her in my arms to console her but I just watched her cry. It had to be done one way or another. I picked up the box to put it on the ground.

- You're the one who made me repeat for years "No string" until I said to you like an "I love you", isn't it?

I could see her shoulders shaking even more violently and her complaints became louder. She ended up shaking her head.

- Why are you reacting like this ? Why are you looking so serious ?

She was trying to speak.

- I can't hear you Juliette, speak.

- I would like to be the more mature of us two and... And put an end to all that. Even though you disappeared for... so long, I often thought of you...

I sighed and she continued :

- And I thought a lot... I could only do that... Think, since I had no idea when I was going to see you again. Then a few years ago, one particularly hot day, August 20 2019 to be exact, your sidekick passed. I know who you are Kuroo. I know what you did, Fumetsu told me.

I froze.

- Fumetsu doesn't know anything.

- She told me everything. She told me everything you did that night. She explained to me why you don't come to my bar every Friday night anymore.

- Fumetsu didn't see anything, she's trying to turn you against me out of jealousy !

- I don't know how you managed to play the game so well... And that for so long, murderer.

The tears flowed for good, their beauties remaining timeless.

- I'm telling you she doesn't know anything ! She was hiding behind a wall while I was picking up her shit ! I'm the victim, not her !

- Get out of my house Kuroo.

My hands were hanging in the air. It couldn't end like this. Not like this, not now when there was still so much left unsaid. I was trying to get closer to her.

- My decision is final. she said.

- You don't even want to listen to me.

Juliette gave me a glare that vaguely reminded me of Kenma's. What was he going to say when I returned, once again, to his doorstep tonight ? There was a fat chance that he would tell me that he thought he had finally gotten rid of me.

- Let me turn the page, we'll never get anywhere. Get out of my house Kuroo Testuro. she said to me for the last time.

It was with a heavy heart, that I left my beloved Calypso bar to go and be bored on a bench. It was cold as you would expect from the beginning of February. When I have enough money I will buy myself a good coat.

...

Children's laughter erupted in my ears, I had forgotten how loud it could be. Then something caught my attention in the landscape, a blond head at the other end of the park. Had Kenma come all the way here ?

Maybe if I apologized enough I could benefit from his roof again. I was starting to be seriously hungry, I haven't ate anything since the little pastries that Yamaguchi had prepared the night before.

I decided to approach the blonde but he was walking fast, very fast, too fast. I even ended up running after him, my feet crunching on the untouched surface of the snow. The blond was getting close, there was only 6 feets meters left between us. However, my progress was quickly halted, with winter temperatures once again showing their grip on our everyday lives. I slipped and fell violently on my back.

I had to talk to Kenma. I had to hurry because he would be more than happy to slip through my fingers.

I had a small cry of pain rising in my throat, alerting people around me to my fall. I tilted my head to the side trying to see the face of the one I was following.

Kenma, Kenma turn around. Why are you running away from me ? I promised to give you everything, what more do you need ?

The blond had turned around but he was wearing round glasses with black borders. His arms gripped his body tightly, as if to protect him. His cheeks were rosy from the cold that surrounded us. His eyes were underlined by I don't know what, they gave the impression of bringing out his face like little suns, they quickly focused on me, surprise crossing them.

It wasn't Kenma I was following.

I tried to get up with difficulty, mothers came to help me. My back ached and my legs were as strong as a newborn fawn's. I looked ahead again and saw that the person I was chasing was gone. I turned my head, the blond head fled to my right among the crowded streets of Tokyo.

- Fumetsu wait !

This had the effect of making her quicken his pace. I did the same, despite the unpleasant sensations that affected me in the back and in the legs. I held my back with one hand, like an old man with his cane... Except that I didn't have a cane and it was very annoying.

When I managed to grab her forearm, I took her down a street with a dead end at the end. I didn't let go of my grip. She had turned her face in the opposite direction so as not to look at me.

- I didn't expect to find you there. I started slowly, laying down my words carefully.

Sobs were heard and I released the pressure on her forearm. What was going through her head ?

- I'm sorry. she ended up saying.

- Yeah, I feel sorry for myself too.

She flinch. It made me sigh.

- Should we go get coffee to discuss about all of this ?

- I can't... I have an appointment for my therapy in 10 minutes.

- Cancel it, I think we have more important things to say to each other... Explanations for several years, right ?

She nodded and I took a piece of her coat to guide her to the nearest cafe. Fumetsu ordered a hot chocolate and I had an Americano coffee. A waiter with silver hair came to bring us our drinks. When he turned to ask me to pay the check, I glanced at the girl with me. She took out her wallet immediately.

I sipped my coffee, looking outside. The blonde had her hands resting on her knees and was not touching her chocolate at all. Her gaze was lost in space, staring at the table without really seeing it. The sound of a straw being emptied of liquid echoed between us all of a sudden through my fault, which made her jump.

Her eyes slowly moved up from the table to my eyes. I had to repeat to myself that it was not Kenma that I had in front of me.

- I'm so sorry, Kuroo. Things should have turned out so...differently.

I stared out, the guilt returning like a punch in the stomach. Was it ever going to leave me alone ? I regretted that night. I should never have joined her. I should have just gone home after that day's work.

- It's true but it happened so we can't change the past. That's how it is, that's all. You could have visited me. You had time for 6 years.

The bitterness, though I was trying to hide it, was starting to be heard clearly in my voice.

- You know that visits are only allowed for close family. she was trying to justify herself.

- Fumetsu, don't take me for an idiot. You just should have asked your father nicely. Nobody came to see me. Nobody. My family doesn't want any connection, even blood, to a so-called criminal. I spat silently so that she would be the only one to hear it.

Her right leg suddenly began to shake slightly. I tried not to pay attention to it, I had been waiting for this conversation for far too long.

- Your words were heavier than mine even if you had no idea what happened. I added just as strongly.

- Your sentence was not as long as it was supposed to be thanks to me. she defended herself.

Anger came knocking on my door at that time. I had lost everything because of her. My family. My friends. My life. My future.

- No Fumetsu, not "thanks to you". Because of you. Because of you, I had to rot in this hole for 6 years for a murder of which I am a victim too !

My voice was starting to rise in decibels and the silver-haired waiter, seeing the blonde's discomfort, asked me out of the café claiming that I was making the other customers uncomfortable. I did as I was asked, after giving the blonde a hard look. The waiter was holding her back.

She ended up leaving the building. I was again surprised how much they looked alike. The blonde gave me a tired smile. If one day... If one day Kenma smiled would he have the same smile ? Would his lips bend the same way ? Would his cheeks lift that much ? Would his wrinkles be the same ? What would he look like if he smiled ?

Fumetsu spoke again :

- I never came to see you because I can't turn the page. This event changed us both.

- Did you at least get what you wanted ? Did all of this help at least ?

The blonde looked uncomfortable answering this question. Seeing her struggling to find her words, I spoke again.

- It's frustrating ! You didn't see anything but yet in front of the judge your word had more weight than mine ! It's only because your dad had to smother this story as quickly as possible, it could have been a problem for his career. The newspapers would have voluntarily taken care of it: "The daughter of the Sinkshin CEO, a bank robber and the sidekick of a murderer ? ".

- But what do you want in the end Kuroo ? You tell me that it's all in the past and then tell me that I'm just a "daddy's girl", that I don't know anything ! What do you want from me ?

Tears were streaming down the slope that was her face. This is the reaction I expected. This is the question I wanted to be asked.

- Someone to listen to me. I want someone other than me to know what really happened because I think it's driving me mad.

Who else but Fumetsu was able to listen to me tell such a weird situation ? The others would take me for a madman that escaped the psychiatric hospital.

Kenma was no different, to him I was just a weird guy that just got out of prison, with a pseudo-profile of an American bad boy who only wanted the comfort of his apartment. Certainly. Much of it was true. Certainly.

But I was so much more than that and I had never been given the time to show, to prove my worth, no matter how insignificant it was.

⚯

Chapter Text

Anyone can love a rose, but it takes a lot to love a leaf. It's ordinary to love the beautiful, but it's beautiful to love the ordinary.

Chapter 7 𓇚※𓇚

Kenma's POV

People only tell you what they want you to believe.

Like for example Kuroo when I told him that he could have waited a few more days before coming back to my appartement. I had a feeling he was getting... sticky. I couldn't help but wonder why no one had agreed to let him stay longer in their house.

We were drinking the soup that I had warmed up earlier in the evening. What disturbed me the most was that we shared a meal as if the last few days had never existed. Wasn't he mad at me for kicking him out suddenly?

- But you're not listening to me ! I tried to stay at her house but she kicked me out ! justified the black haired one again.

There was no point in forcing him right now. I have to make him trust me first.

- Your " appeal" wasn't working anymore ? Or maybe you're starting to rust...I say mockingly.

It had the effect of making him smile for some reason.

- Oh no, it's not rusty.

I shrugged, choosing not to pick up on his remark. Maybe he was referring to how he had spent his weekend... And I couldn't avoid a grimace of disgust thinking about it.

- What is it Kenma ? Did you come across pepper ?

I was going to tell him that I hadn't put any pepper in the soup before I understood his insinuation.

- No, no, that's not it. I answered casually. If it's not rusty how come you reappeared on my porch again ?

- No idea. Honestly, it's not very entertaining anymore when you have things too easily. You have to find the exception to the rule.

I turned my head in his direction, sitting to my right. Seeing that his lips parted again accompanied by bright eyes like a child's, I got up to clear my plate.

- Kenma, what are you doing ? You haven't even finished your plate !

- I'm not hungry anymore.

I knew, however, that the right thing to do was to stay at the table to talk to him, to put him at ease... But he was already annoying me.

The black haired one sighed.

- You're already skin and bones...

I put my plate quite violently in the sink. The urge to go to my room was becoming more and more urgent. I took a breath before turning around to go and place myself once again at his side even though the chair seemed to burn me. To get what I wanted I needed to get into his game, his childish game, his mature child's game.

- So you found them ? I asked once installed on my chair.

Kuroo lifted his soup-filled spoon to his lips.

- Who ?

- The exception to your rule. I sighed gently in response.

I felt his gaze pierce the skin of my face and I ended up giving him back that intensity by turning around. I didn't understand why he looked so serious, his normally honeyed eyes were suddenly cold. I found myself faced with another version of him to which I had not yet had access until now. Before realizing, once again, how much I didn't know him... If I didn't know him, I couldn't understand him.

We stayed like that for a few seconds but I had the impression of being suffocated by the clamp that his eyes had become.

- No, I haven't found an exception to the rule yet...

- You must be disappointed...

- But I think I've found a default. he continued.

The pressure in his eyes seemed to ease after he said that. Kuroo smiled softly at me and looked down.

- That doesn't mean I'm rusty. he added.

Shortly after I got up to go get myself an apple. I cut it in half and then in quarters. After a while we could hear the scraping of his spoon on his plate, yet the person responsible for this noise did not get up.

- Can I have a piece ?

- No.

His hand, which had begun to mimic the motion to take a quarter of my apple, remained suspended in the air. I ignored it.

- Go get me another one. I end up giving in.

And that is what he did. He brought me another apple which I cut exactly like the one before. Kuroo thanked me and I only nodded to show that I had heard him. He took care of the dishes and before I could go back to my room, he called out to me :

- Hey Kenma, can I ask you a question ?

I stopped to listen to what he had to say.

I don't know where this sudden shyness came from. Kuroo wasn't shy.

- Can we go buy some clothes, please ? The ones you gave me are squeezing me a little...

I turned to see his cheeks flush red and a smile settled on my lips seeing this reaction. He let the hot water run over his soap-covered hands. Hearing that he was getting no response from me, he turned his head in my direction.

- I promise to pay you back as soon as I have the money.

- Nope. Do it yourself.

He sighed as I closed my bedroom door. I heard tap water running for a few more minutes and got up from my bed to open the door.

- We'll go tomorrow. I just say.

I only had time to see him smile before I turned back to my room. I had to make an effort, just for some time. It was for the greater good.

...

We were tomorrow, in the lit streets of Tokyo, about ten paces from one of its shopping malls. Even though I had shown willingness, Kuroo pulled me by the sleeve of my coat to make us move faster. I should have stayed at the apartment.

- Go Kenma ! It closing in 1h30, we have to hurry !

- You're not actually going to waste 1h30 in there, are you ? I retorted, incredulous.

He stopped us and turned his head to look at me with wide eyes.

- Were you planning to do anything else tonight ?

I sighed and pulled my coat sleeve out of his grip quite violently.

- What better thing did you have to do in your room ?

One of his eyebrows rose once he said that. Despite myself, my cheeks shyly sprinkled with red.

- I had to wash laundry. Your boxers aren't gonna wash themselves, idiot.

- I took care of it last night. I'm the one who hanged your boxers. Personally, I particularly like the one with the cherries. he then said with a mocking smile.

I had an urge to smack him.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a couple looking at each other, both surprised. It was my turn to take Kuroo's sleeve to push us forward. Being outside was already unbearable, I didn't want to attract attention. I lowered my head, my hair fell to hide part of my field of vision. This conversation was not making any sense.

When we finally made it back to the mall, I immediately pulled out my Switch to occupy my anxious hands. The one I accompanied dragged me into a shop and a waitress came running when we came. Her voice was too soft to be truly her's.

- What do you think ? he asked me when he had tried on his new clothes.

I didn't answer him, I didn't even look up.

- Hey Kenma, I'm talking to you !

- Hm.

I then had the impression that there was movement around me, my fear was confirmed when my hands felt empty. I do not react immediately, surely bewildered by his gesture. Then I lifted my head to look at him harshly.

- What ? What do you want now ?

He shrugged his shoulders before adding :

- I'm honoring you of my presence, so take advantage of it. I need advice, is that okay ?

Kuroo spun around and in a repressed corner of my head I thought of a cartoon in which the main character did the same thing to turn into a hero. I wanted to laugh but before that weird sound between us crossed my lips I pulled myself together.

- Give me back my switch. I say instead.

- Nope. he replied smiling at me.

- You are unbearable. I spat in response.

The devil's smile widened, doing me the honor of seeing his white teeth.

- You mean endearing ? Charming ? Incredible ?

I made him understand with a single look that it did not amuse me. I held out my hand for him to return my console.

- What do you think of this coat ? he asked instead.

I furtively observed his outfit before looking away, crossing my arms.

- Kenma, the sooner you cooperate, the sooner I'll give it back to you. he said seeing my reaction.

My eyes fell on him again. It was a long black coat that pulled on navy depending on the light's angle. It was funny to see him like this... so elegant.

- I could just kick you out.

- You would have nothing to gain if you did.

Hearing him say that out loud, I quickly turned my head. He was still looking at me with his characteristic smile. I didn't like the turn this conversation was taking. Did he understand something ?

- I'll leave with your switch. he explained in front of my surprised look.

His gaze dropped and he readjusted the coat around his chest. I felt my thoughts raging in my head, they were trying to find a way to get me out of there. He must not know, not yet. He couldn't figure me out before it was me who figured him out.

- You wouldn't dare.

- You don't know what I'm capable of. Kuroo retorted.

He pulled back the curtain of his dressing room, ending our conversation and making sure I couldn't see where he was going to hide my console.

A few minutes later we left the shop, purchase in hand. The black haired one was talking about the coat like a kid excited about his new toy. I just listened to him with half of an attentive ear, while spying on him out of the corner of my eye when his intonation suddenly changed. Maybe he was joking when he was in the dressing room.

- Can you give me back my switch ? I tried.

- Nope. We didn't finished yet .

I sighed. I really wanted to go home, but I had to keep my word. He was an unbearable person.

- If I help you find what you want... will you give it back to me immediately ?

He had to think he had control of the situation. I will surprise him when the time comes.

- As long as you help me find clothes that fit me well. I have no reason not to return it to you.

- You better.

We immediately went to a clothing store because I dragged him by his coat's sleeve. He threw his head back and laughed heartily, which made the heads of passersby turn as we passed. I picked up our pace. We spent more time than expected in this place but it was surely due to the fact that we never agreed on what suited him :

- No, yellow doesn't suit you, Kuroo.

- No, except if you want to look like you've put on ten pounds, you're on the right track.

- No, you want to compete with my grandmother in this ?

- No, your ass looks flat in those pants. You could serve as a table. I say deadpan.

Hearing this last remark, he looked at me at first with wide eyes before laughing out loud. Alerted by this sudden noise, the other customers looked at him badly. As for me, I lowered my head, not wanting to be associated with this moron.

- Damn Kenma, I didn't think you could say that one day. he said between two inspirations. If I had known what it would be like to take your switch... I would have had it before. You are more energetic.

I looked up briefly to let him know that I wasn't amused. We walk out shortly after with two more half-full bags.

- Will you give it back to me now ? I asked immediately after we were out of the store.

His smile withered. When I saw he wasn't reacting I took his forearm to lead us to a more secluded corner of the mall. I grabbed both of his shoulders and he struggled to stabilize himself given the violence of my movement. He looked surprised by the force I responded with to his lack of reaction.

I ran my hands down his hips to check his pockets, he stiffened from the sudden contact between us. If someone surprised us what would we look like ? This simple thought made me accelerate my gestures. Feeling nothing rectangular under my fingers I opened the sides of his new coat.

Kuroo suddenly dropped his bags to chase my hands away from there.

- Kenma... I'll give it to you.

He gave me my switch and pointed out to me :

- Next time give me a little more time to react before attacking me.

I took my console from him and replied that he was going to invent another excuse not to give it back to me. The dark haired one proposed that we go eat in town but it was with a grimace that I responded to his proposal.

On the way back, while I skilfully manipulated the joysticks of my console, I realized that Kuroo was no longer next to me. I turned around and saw that we had stopped in front of an arcade. The tall one looked out his window with stars in his eyes.

- Would you like to come in ? he asked.

Understanding that he was talking about the building in front of which we had stopped, I stared at him in turn.

- I'm going back to the apartment.

- Just this once ! I don't have the money for...

- It's not my problem.

I continued on my way, leaving him behind with the horribly ugly "DungoPew" banner. However, he suddenly grabbed my forearm with his free hand to pull me into the arcade. I continued by whispering colorful insults about him.

- Let go of me ! I say in a fairly loud voice.

A few people at the entrance turned when they heard me. Whoever the one who had dragged me into this place continued to force me forward. I ended up giving up when I realized there was nothing I could do.

- Kuroo. I say instead.

- I will be able to show you one of my many talents.

He gave me a wink and displeased me with his satisfied expression.

...

- Are you bad at this particular game or are you bad at video games ? I ended up asking very seriously.

We had only been here for fifteen minutes and his talents, of which he was so proud, remained invisible.

- Let's try this one, I'm sure I will win. he retorted, pointing to a game not far from us.

He seemed certain of his ability to succeed because once in front of the machine he said :

- Shall we make a bet ?

I didn't respond immediately to his provocation but ended up letting myself get caught up in the game.

- You're not shy given your current situation... You're risking a lot Kuroo.

- I'm telling you you're going to lose. I don't know what you could want from me anyway. he said, gritting his teeth.

I took one of the two hammers that would allow us to knock down the enemies, the moles, that were going to appear. I can use this opportunity to ask him my questions, so I was determined to win.

However, it was, to everyone's surprise, Kuroo who won. He stirred the knife even more in the wound when he winked at me and laughed at his achievement.

- You said, honey ?

- Shut up, you weren't shining before. I replied while rolling my eyes.

- We can start over if you want.

I was tempted to answer him "yes" but I had already spent too much money today. Although I won't admit it, it's true that it was fun to play the classics.

- So for the bet... Kuroo started again.

- You won, isn't that enough already ?

I hardly dared to imagine what he was capable of asking me. He was going to make sure to humiliate me somehow.

- Absolutely not. There's something I've wanted to do for a long time. Give me ¥2,100 (=15$) please. he asked, extending his hand to me.

I glared at his hand but didn't give him the money.

- No, you made me buy a lot already... I've done enough for you.

- I'll pay it all back when I get the money. I promise you, Kenma...¥2,100.

I still wasn't convinced, even with his beautiful, shining eyes, by what he was saying. However, I end up handing him the money reluctantly. The black haired one told me that he would be back at the apartment shortly and I couldn't help wondering what he was going to be able to do with so little money... Or rather what he was capable of doing with it.

It was just a little wasted money to find out what happened that summer night. It was not very expensive to pay for the moment.

I came home playing on my Switch, however I was far from calm. Maybe Kuroo was going to do something and someone would come and knock on my door to say that I was his sidekick...I wouldn't be able to cover for him and I still had a lot of questions to ask him.

When I crossed my doorstep 7 p.m. had just rung. Shortly after the dreaded moment finally arrived, Kuroo returned with a pack of beer in his hands.

It was much worse than I could have imagined because the demon himself was smiling.

- Kuroo, I don't drink.

His face darkened when he heard that.

- You're lying. I'll be almost ready to cut my hand to say that you never drank.

I remained silent when he said that. I didn't want to prove him right. So I avoided his gaze by going into the kitchen and this moron followed me.

- Do I have to remind you that it was part of our bet, Kenma...

- I never agreed to drink alcohol.

I began to prepare food when I worried about the silence surrounding me. Where had he been? Turning around, I discovered him on the sofa lovingly contemplating the void.

I sighed. I had to take it upon myself. How could I have told myself that he would be the spice to my dish, the color to my monochrome life ?

- How do you react to alcohol ? I end up asking.

He suddenly turned around to stare at me, surprised. I could only understand his reaction because I was surprised myself.

- Good. I like that sort of thing. Then we are both working tomorrow. It would be dumn to have a hangover.

He smiles at me.

That's what worried me, it would have been better if he didn't tolerate alcohol well. He might have been less reluctant to answer my questions. However, I was also held back by my lack of experience in this area. I had no idea how I tolerated this drink.

It was for a good cause, to find out.

- Kuroo I warning you if you try something, you're dead. Your carcass will serve me as a doormat.

Surprise covered his facial features even more. Then suddenly he approached me with long strides and brought my face closer to his without making any contact between us. Any trace of resistance was flushed out of my system. What was he doing so close to me?

- Look at me. he said.

I did not listen to him.

- Kenma.

My gaze met his for a brief moment but I remained frozen.

- Kenma, look at me.

He brought my face closer to his. He smiled and my eyes were drawn to the movement.

- Do you trust me ? he asked.

- Absolutely not. I answered without thinking.

My voice quivered as I felt his breath ricochet off my lips.

- Logic. So I promise not to do anything. If I try something you...

- You will serve me as a doormat. I wasn't joking.

- It's a bit... barbaric your proposal. How about I have to listen to your finger and eye for a whole day? You can do what you want with me, what do you say ?

He raised one of his coal eyebrows as his smile widened. Suddenly something snapped in my mind, I grabbed the collar of his t-shirt so my mouth was right next to his ear. I whispered to him in it :

- I don't know who you think you are, Kuroo, but stop thinking that you have an effect on everyone you meet.

Then I put my hands on his chest to push him away. Any confidence that had been able to reach me up to now left me. I decided to sit on the sofa and take 2 beers out of the 6 in the package.

- Come on Kuroo, let me see that side of the world you're king of... According to you.

He turned his head to look at me, his lips slightly parted. His eyes seemed to tell me something quite different from what he announced with his clear voice :

- Glad to have convinced you.

It was for the greater good

⚯

Chapter Text

When you're born in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire. But it's not- Richard Kadrey, Aloha from Hell

Chapter 8 𓇚※𓇚

Kuroo's POV

6 years ago

As Fumetsu gently whistled next to me, I only felt the cold metal of the weapon I had stuck in my belt. The friction between the steel and my skin was unusual, unpleasant even. The sun had been warming the other side of the globe for a while, it was cold for a 19th of July.

it was so late, the sidewalks belonged to us. Fumetsu had encouraged me to join her once I had finished working. We met on a street some time later.

- I still can't get over that boy who looked so much like you. Are you sure that wasn't your lost twin or your doppelganger? I ask her.

I turned my head to look at her. Fumetsu had a round face that was surrounded by brown hair with blonde ends, all cut into a bob. In her hair were round glasses that were askew, as if they were sunglasses. Her eyes were like those of a feline, observant, calculating. They were actually two golden orbs that were still watching me intently. The stranger looked like her in every way and yet he was so different from her.

- I swear, Kuroo. What worries me the most is that you chased him for months without realizing that it wasn't me.

- It was a rookie mistake, but then again you really look alike.

We found ourselves in front of an abandoned hangar, you could see it on the facade of its walls. It was gloomy, crawling with insects that should only exist in books. The walls were streaked with drawn red stains and these were accompanied by a smell of scorch and gunpowder that hung in the air. In one corner, there were broken tables and chairs that hadn't succumbed to weather but to punches. There were shelves that ran along the length of the walls and where there were screws, pulleys, hammers, metal hooks, ropes, safes... A warehouse.

My observations were cut off by the sound of a slamming door, someone had just entered.

- Hey Tony ! You are right on time.

- You're the one who's early. replied the silhouette that had just appeared, hiding under the hood of their sweatshirt.

My surprise must have been felt because he asked Fumetsu to introduce us. Tony was apparently a boy she had met in a bar a few days ago. The blush held her cheeks firmly when she said that to me.

Then, when Tony explained the reason for our coming, it was nothing but incomprehension for me. He was talking about robbing the Shinjuku district bank and disabling alarms. I let Fumetsu speak even though I didn't understand what was happening. The boy had given us each a Nambu type A94 gun which were old relics from the Second World War.

What was I doing here ?

The one who had dragged me into her love story was always whistling by my side as if nothing had happened.

- Look ! The sky is beautiful tonight ! she said suddenly.

I tilted my head back to look in the direction indicated. It was no different than the one from yesterday or the day before or even tomorrow's one. The stars weren't shining any brighter, the blue of the sky wasn't any more blue, the moon was still just as lonely.

- Fumetsu...

- He knows about your lack of money. she ended up confessing.

I stopped walking when I understood the meaning of this sentence.

- I know it's not okay to talk about that with a stranger. I know you feel betrayed but please listen to what I have to say.

- Absolutely not. Don't try to mix my personal issues with your plan to flirt with this Tony, okay ? I am going home, I'm tired from my day.

The simple fact of retracing my steps reassured me however, as of course, I was held back by a small hand. There was no point in struggling when its owner was like this.

- Kuroo, you're a smart person, it would be wasting your talent just because your bank account is missing a few cash bills !

- And like the good friend that you are, you're going to help me find them ? It is not because I have facilities at school that I am forced to do great and long studies. We're talking about a real bank with money in it, Fumetsu ! Think of those people and their savings taken overnight.

- I am literally giving you millions of yen like this and you say you're going to work ? Kuroo, people don't give a damn about your efforts, what interests them is the result. If you have money then you have an easy life and you don't have you're living every day counting the number of coins you have left until the next month. Do you really see yourself living like this ?

When she saw that her explanations made me neither hot nor cold, the blonde persisted :

- Think of your parents... Your sister ! They can finally buy a house and she can go to the school of her choice ! You often tell me that your sister would like to study in a prestigious university but that your parents cannot afford it.

- We don't need money to be happy. Look what this wealth does to family relationships, this difference between you and me ! Are you doing this to please Tony ?

- Tony doesn't force me to do anything.

I looked her straight in the eye and said :

- Let's go home before things get out of hand.

I found myself facing a stone wall.

- No no, we have to go Kuroo. Think about the life you could have !

Of course I thought about it ! Lydia had always wanted to do medical studies which were impossible for our budget. My parents had always wanted a house and a big garden in which a dog could run. Lydia often complained about having to share her room with me. Mom had always wanted a bigger kitchen so she could make better meals. Dad had always wanted a garage so he could tinker. But all this was impossible for us by the simple lack of money despite our efforts.

- No Fumetsu. I don't intend to live happily with money that doesn't belong to me.

- What are you going to do then ? You seem to have a plan since you're refusing my proposal.

- No, but that's not how I'm going to fix the problem.

The person who wanted to take me with her crossed their arms.

- Your parents will end up in a mass grave. she advanced suddenly.

I felt an unknown fury respond brutally in my body. I tried to control it by clenching my teeth and my fists.

- We are no longer in the Middle Ages, Fumetsu. Change of era.

- The world is no less violent and cruel to these differences in wealth.

Wasn't it selfish of me to turn down this proposed fortune ? With this money I could make all our dreams come true. If they asked me where it came from I invented an excuse saying that my summer jobs paid well. Life would have a better taste for sure.

I unclenched my fists slowly.

I knew I was going to regret this decision all my life but I couldn't help but hope. Hope gave us life, didn't it ? Hope for something better in the near future.

Lydia was 17, next year she will already be a third year in high school. Mom was already 55 and Dad 57. They were going to have to restrict their purchase even when they retired. This is not the retirement they deserve, those who have worked so hard for the well-being of their parents.

- Listen to me, this is the first and last t...

- You don't have to blame yourself, Kuroo. she cut me off.

I didn't want to hear her speak. I didn't want to be justified in doing something so immoral.

We were passing a huge house, probably the biggest in the neighborhood. It easily attracted attention with its large blue railings and its two living floors. What was life like for these people ? They didn't miss the money.

Then we arrived, too early in my opinion, in front of the emergency door of this cursed bank of Shinjuku. It was in a small alley and was hidden by garbage cans. According to my sidekick in crime, we just had to open it because Tony had disabled the alarms. I shared my doubts with Fumetsu, she worried me even more when she said that he had even given her the codes to access the safe.

- He hacked the bank's system. she explained to me when she saw my confused expression.

This surprised me even more, why would a hacker help me with family issues ? He had nothing to gain from it. There were too many gray areas, Tony had to have a bigger goal than that.

- Why is he doing this ? There's something you're not telling me.

Fumetsu turned around to look at me harshly.

- It's safe, I'm telling you ! He just did a bit of work to do me a favor. Take what they give you and that's it.

- Why would Tony do that for me ?

The blonde I was with rolled her eyes in exasperation. Then she moved forward to enter a code just next to the safe door. I didn't recognize her anymore, nothing seemed to stop her, even the immoral thought of what we were doing didn't cross her. Maybe for her it was all a game... After all, if she was caught in the act Dad, who was an important figure in the government, would come to the rescue. I wasn't, if I was caught there wouldn't be anyone of any importance to the government who could save me.

So unlike her, I didn't move. I knew it was a screwed up plan. The medical studies hoped for by my sister did not concern me in any way. If she wanted them, she would just have to work. She will collect this money by the sweat of her brows.

Like most brothers and sisters, Lydia and I have never been very close. I shared my table and my room every night with a stranger. Apart from her big plans for the future, I knew nothing about the individual. Maybe I was trying to convince myself that if I brought in the necessary money for her, I would go up in her esteem.

I often wonder when I screwed up in my job as a big brother. It wasn't like lessons at school, there are no explanations or examples. Those who were considered exemplary were not like me. I was neither wise nor blameless. I was hot-blooded, I succumbed easily to my desires like young parents with their infants.

And yet, people loved me when I was the opposite of what they really needed. Why were they constantly looking for the bad when the good is as far as the eye can see ? You have to believe that they like to be in pain.

My parents told me since I was little that happiness cannot be bought. I would like to prove them wrong. Happiness cannot be bought, however, the things that cause it could.

I finally moved a foot towards the direction where Fumetsu had disappeared a few moments earlier. I took the opportunity to put on the gloves that Tony had given me, I didn't want to leave any traces. The door to the big safe was open now, all I had to do was fill some bags now. I wanted to laugh at this cliché scene but everything that is cliché comes from an original idea.

" It's too easy, Fumetsu is hiding something from me "

However, as the bags were filled with money bills, I kept repeating to myself that I was doing this for the greater good, a better life for all of us. My movements were repeated and mechanical, similar to the ones of a robot. A robot had no morale, no reason. He was content to inculcate information to correctly do what is asked.

Once I'd emptied a once-full crate, I'd move on to the next one, then the bottom one, and then the top one. In a few minutes I had become a millionaire. In 5 minutes it will be over.

It was for the greater good. For Lydia and the studies she needs. So that mum has a kitchen and dad has a place to craft. I had never tried to make their dreams come true, I had contented myself with living under their roof, eating from their plate and calling them with a smile "dad and mom".

I got up little by little, two bags already filled. That will be enough, it was even surely too much. I caught Fumetsu's gaze to see that she was also finished. I felt like I was out of it, but not like I was under the influence of drugs. It was the type that makes you nauseous but you can't throw up to get rid of it.

Then suddenly :

- Kuroo ! Run!

I turned to see her behind me panicking. Her eyes went from place to place violently.

- Run ! she repeated.

- But why ? These things are heavy.

- The cops, you freaking idiot !

My lethargic state was replaced by panic. Adrenaline rushed through my veins like a waterfall in a river. I heard a deafening and unpleasant noise from a distance. Damn, Tony. It was one of the first things my parents taught me, not to trust a stranger.

I knew that was a screwed up plan. I swore out loud as I looked for a way out to get us out of there. To be honest, I didn't know who to insult. I was to blame actually.

We rushed into the dark alle as the sirens approached us. I turned around and began to see red lights reflecting off the windows of the building opposite. All for money... which we had now. We just had to run.

Despite the situation with the police officers on our heels, a small smile crept onto my lips. I thought I was not in my normal state because I couldn't find a reason to smile like that. It was dangerous and immoral. It was the type of smile we all had when we were nervous, the one we used when we wanted to hide something.

I felt the cold weapon, which warmed up because of my skin, descend slowly due to my sudden and abrupt running movements. I didn't understand why Tony had given them to us... If by misfortune the cops found us, we won't have any excuses from having them to give when explaining our bank robbery. In any case, I hoped not to touch the weapon at any time.

Our hurried footsteps in the alley echoed so I slowed down. My partner in crime and I were breathing heavily even though our run had been short. I used the Doppler effect to notice that the police cars were no longer moving. They must have entered the bank, I picked up the pace.

We passed in front of the large two-storey house that I had seen before. A garden participated in the already huge area of this house, I nodded to tell Fumetsu to go into it.

It was rare for gardens to be in Tokyo, the majority of the city was only buildings or skyscrapers. If we stuck to the sides of the walls of the house, with the darkness and the size of this building, we could blend into its shadow easily while waiting for the street to be less agitated.

- It was easier than expected. she said once her breath returned to normal.

- We're not out of it yet, calm down. I scolded her, sticking myself closer to the wall as if this simple movement would hide me more from the ones chasing us.

I was hot, my t-shirt stuck to my skin like a suction pad, it was simply unbearable. Then all of a sudden I had the intimate conviction that they were going to find us. They knew we couldn't get far since breaking into the bank.

I looked above us and I was convinced that someone had to watch over me because the window was wide open. I didn't think about it again, I heard them getting closer. The sound of their footsteps had turned into an alarm because of my panic. I had trouble keeping a cool head, I was breathing with difficulty. I wanted to scream but I stopped it before it could take possession of my throat.

It took me a few seconds to get to the other side of the window. Catching my breath after this effort a noise appeared in the room where I was. The person stared at me and I responded to her gaze like a lost deer. I was beginning to lose my mind.

I took back what I had said, if there was someone watching over me they certainly wanted me dead.

- Hey Kuroo, what are you doing up there ? came a voice from below.

Fumetsu, I didn't warn her. I was helpless. The person in the kitchen now knew my name. She had a name to give the police if they wanted. If I could have cried, I would have.

- Who are you and what are you doing in my house, stranger ?

Her voice was harsh and unwavering. I just stared at her, not wanting to answer her questions. She already knew too much.

I couldn't blame her, if someone had entered my house at such a late hour I would have been doubtful too. In her hand she held a glass of whiskey with a transparent, tasteless liquid inside. She had come downstairs because she was thirsty, not to report me.

This woman had a family, a husband and probably children. You couldn't live alone in such a big house. Maybe they were getting ready to go on vacation in a few days given the great heat of July and once again it will not be our case for my family and me.

I could explain to this lady the reason of my robbery but she would surely not understand. She couldn't understand how the lack of money was a matter of life and death. It was dramatic, yes, but it was no less true.

It's crazy what money does to people.

This woman knew my name. It was amazing what we could do with a name, all the possibilities that were available to us. However, in front of all those who offered themselves to me, none of them suited me.

I was confused as I drew my weapon with a trembling hand. I hadn't hoped enough not to use it. But then again, it was so old that I doubted it was still working.

It was for the greater good. I was doing this for my family. To ensure our safety.

I was looking at the person standing in front of me, I wanted to remember them that way. Alive. I wanted to remember her almost skeletal form drawing her. I wanted to remember her white satin nightgown which fell to her ankles like the Greek goddesses were often represented. I wanted to remember her bare feet resting on the cold night tiles. I wanted to remember her hands which showed a woman in her 40's. I wanted to remember her long brown hair which rested on her back that was as straight as uncooked pasta. I wanted to remember her full lips and her small nose. I wanted to remember those pearly white pearls on her ears. I wanted to remember her impressive, luminous, ocean blue eyes surrounded by gold, in which she burned my soul.

Her features looked familiar to me for some reason. I couldn't help but think how beautiful she was, how she shone with life.

A life I would soon take to ensure my safety.

I pointed to what would be her end right in front of me. I had to look at her to be able to aim, so that she wouldn't suffer too much and not for too long. You had to remove the safety catch from the gun before you could do anything.

- You know Kuroo, we all make mistakes throughout our lives, happy mistakes. It is not a story of failure or success but rather of time and experience. she began. I have colorectal cancer, but I don't think that mean anything to you. Normally it only affects people over 50, but I had such a poor lifestyle that it's no wonder I'm already suffering the consequences.

She raised her glass of whiskey to her lips, sipping her water as she would to her tea. I didn't understand why she was explaining all this to me... I didn't want to know anything about her life.

- Diarrhea, blood in the stool, weight loss... It's bearable but I'd be better off without it.

A small laugh escaped her full lips.

- In high school, I ate and drank whatever I could lay my hand on despite all the warnings. What was important was to have fun while surviving, troubles that it caused were put later in the back of my mind. And I succeeded, I had a lot of fun until my fingernails hurt.

She sighed, staring up at the ceiling, oblivious to the gun pointed in her direction. It was always the same adult speech, don't drink too much, don't have too much fun. This woman couldn't stop having too much of everything, it wasn't my fault.

I removed the safety catch of the gun. I had no time to waste, what was I doing hanging around here ?

- I will be suffering and dependent on all these people like an elderly person in a nursing home. Kuroo, you can't know how much this idea annoys me. I'm only 42 and I'm already ready to die. My body begins to embrace death as a deliverance from what it makes me live. But... I don't want to get better. I'm sick of this guilt when I look him in the eye.

The woman swirled the water around in her whiskey glass.

- I have always let myself be dictated by my emotions and fleeting feelings. she added.

I stared at her, puzzled, the gun still pointing blindly in her direction. Why am I standing here listening to her ?

- Kuroo, I feel guilty for the mistake I made. I know he's too blind to see it, but that choice I made so many years ago still haunts me. It was my choice and it was my fault. We always have a choice, remember that.

I wanted to argue with her. We didn't always have a choice. I had no choice.

- It's crazy what you can do with a name, Kuroo. I will never know why you were in my kitchen, or who you were. But with the help of your name I could have known everything about you.

Her head moved forward to look me straight in the eyes and I was again surprised at the intensity of those.

- A favor for my silence, what do you think ? They'll hear the shot and come here thinking you shot me. It will keep them busy, you and your girlfriend will have a few minutes to go in the opposite direction. They'll end up saying it was a suicide like we see every day now, those stupid policemen.

I tilted my head to the side, not understanding the situation. She then told me about her project. I listened to her talk to me for a few moments giving me the impression that she was telling me her last wishes. This woman wanted me to talk to her child after she died, however she didn't describe them to me at all. She said I will know when it will happen.

I wasn't here to listen to a dying woman speak. What was I doing there ?

- It shouldn't hurt too much. I just took it. she whispered.

Seeing my misunderstanding. She added :

- It was a sleeping pill, so that I could go back to sleep. I also had cyanure in the cupboard, just in case...

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Her arms slowly descended along her fragile body and her shoulders relaxed too. She opened her eyes, doors of the soul they said and I saw the moon reflected in them. She was smiling at me.

- A service for your silence. I said softly. What was your name ?

To be honest, I wasn't really conscious anymore. What was I doing ?

- Anastasia.

The adrenaline seemed to leak out of my system leaving me limp and tired in that kitchen. I was the victim, not her. Why was she dragging me down with her ? I didn't come out of my parent's apartment to be a criminal.

But I had to. I couldn't hide my face anymore, it wasn't for my parents or Lydia that I was going to pull that trigger.

It was for me only. For my safety and my future.

- I've been waiting for you for a while. she resumed. I wasn't strong enough to take the ricin... Surely I was hoping to have the courage to tell him everything myself. It may be selfish but I'm glad your friend had the clumsiness to shout your name through my window, it gives me an excuse to leave so early.

I pointed my gun, trying to put my few archery lessons into practice. I inhaled in turn to calm myself down. You don't have to think, just shoot. A service for her silence. Her silence for our happiness. Her silence for my happiness. Perhaps, I was the most selfish of the two of us.

Her silence was expensive to pay.

- And you Kuroo... Don't let the world go to your head. You are only you.

I was shooted. She collapsed.

There was a loud noise as she had expected that startled me. What had I just done ?

I saw the white satin of her dress change to a disgusting red. The noises on the stairs that ran down woke me up a bit. I put the gun next to her hand. Then as I had promised her, I left by jumping out the window without another word.

Of the two of us, I didn't know who had been more selfish. I had blood on my hands, invisible and not the way it was supposed to be.And she had...

She had gotten what she wanted. I had gotten what I wanted. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't her fault. It was everyone's fault. We were all responsible, we made the world like this.

Composed of rich and poor that were both infortunate.

The rule of the strongest rules did not exist. There was nothing biological about it, no evolution or improvement, just money. Again and maybe even forever.

The world was made like that, what could I have done to change it ?

⚯

Chapter Text

I might be the writer but you'll always be the words - Ben Maxfield

Chapter 9 𓇚※𓇚

Kenma's POV

The dark haired one brought to his lips one of the two beers I had taken. I was seated on the chair opposite to the sofa. I bought it so I wouldn't end up next to Suga and Daichi when they got too close while we were watching a movie together. It gave me a plausible excuse for not having to be present when they kissed.

I was looking at the one that was in front of me, the one in which the thick liquid was flowing into. I lifted my bottle to my eye level and swirled the liquid inside, it splashed against it glass walls. Did I really want to drink it ? No, but I had to. For Mom. To know. Maybe it will all be over tonight.

The liquid everyone was talking about so much was in my hands. The liquid that was the cause of so many things. The liquid that was held responsible for so many acts. The liquid that was now going into my stomach.

I couldn't help a grimace.

- It doesn't taste good, does it ?

I raised my head to look at my interlocutor. A half-smile was shyly displayed on his face.

- We're going to try something, you might find it better.

He went into the kitchen and searched in each cupboard before finding what he was looking for. The dark haired one brought grenadine syrup, lemonade and a large glass in which he mixed the three of them.

- Taste it. he said, offering me the new glass.

I put mine on the small table in front of me and took the glass he handed me. I realized looking at the liquid that I wasn't convinced by what he was trying to make me drink.

- I'm not trying to poison you, Kenma.

Kuroo had to trust me and I had to make him believe that I trusted him too. I finally let the liquid run down my throat.

- It's better... It stings a little. I answered honestly.

- You see, every problem has its solution.

It made me want to roll my eyes. I followed with my gaze the place that Kuroo had been staring at for several seconds, that is to say the building opposite to ours. I saw a multitude of lighted windows where a few people were visible through them. By lingering in front of some of them, I realized the number of stories that among their four apartment walls will never come out for fear of the gaze of others.

- What are you thinking about, Kenma ? he asked me suddenly.

I took a few moments before answering him :

- Nothing.

- You're lying.

I turned my head in his direction and saw that he had put his head in the palm of his hand, resting on the arm of the sofa.

He is unbearable. He is bothering me.

- What are you thinking about Kenma ? he repeated, grinning unhealthily at me, swirling half the liquid inside his beer.

- To be honest with you, I was thinking about your time in prison.

It was his turn to be silent. Maybe it was too early to talk about it but we had been beating around the bush for 10 days now... I needed answers.

- Or rather what could have happened during your stay there. I added.

Kuroo threw his head back and stared at the ceiling.

- What do you want to know ? he finally asks me.

I inhaled loudly when I heard him say that, I was surprised to say the least.

- How is the inside of a prison ? What do you do during your day ? Are you bored ? Are you allowed visitors ? Could you talk to other prisoners ? Do you know why they were behind bars ? Could you speak freely with the guards...

- Slow, Kenma. Take your time, one question at a time.

The dark haired one becomes silent for a few moments before continuing with a smile :

- Wait, I suggest we make a game out of this. You can only ask me one question a day about this subject.

- I don't want to play guessing games with you, Kuroo. I want answers to my questions to ensure my safety.

This made him lose his smile, he lowered his head to look at me harshly.

- If I wanted to hurt you, I would have done it a long time ago and you couldn't have done anything about it.

I swallowed.

- There is no interest for me to answer your questions. he added.

This remark made me want to drop my facade of a curious child.

I have to make an effort.

- You can't blame me for wanting to know. You followed me home because, juste like six years ago, you confused me with another person. You had the nerve to ask me to stay here without telling me that you just came back from years of prison ! It's better for you to answer those questions, triple idiot.

- Because you expected me to say what exactly ? " Hi ! I did six years of detention for robbery and you are my only solution to not be homeless... So can I stay at your place ? " Is that what you wanted ?

I shook my head and squeezed my glass in hope of calming myself down.

- Kuroo. I started. You're not stupid, you understand why I am asking all these questions, don't you ?

- I'm not dangerous. he retorted.

I sighed.

- I need answers. You've been here for 10 days already and I still don't know anything, it makes me uncomfortable.

He looked out the window and I thought he was ignoring me.

- Kuroo, I'm serious.

The dark haired one jerked his head around, fury burning in his hazel eyes.

- Then once you have had the answers to all your questions, what will you do with them ? Will you kick me out ? What do I have to gain from this ?

- And I would tell who exactly ? I want to ensure my safety. I don't have any contact with anyone from high school . You don't know anything about me.

- Absolutely. That's why I'm not ready to tell you yet.

I was silent for a few seconds before getting up from my chair and going to sit on the sofa next to him. I silently drank half of the mixture he had made for me to not feel the pressure around us too much. Once I had finished I put it gently on the small table in front of us. I pulled my legs up to my chest before slowly raising my eyes to look at him.

I had to change my strategy.

Kuroo continued to stare at the building opposite of ours while I looked at him. I don't know how long we spent like this, enough for my neck to start to feel numb, before he spoke again :

- You don't have to fear me Kenma.

- What do I have to do to prove to you that I have no bad intentions ? I answered.

The dark haired one turned his head in my direction.

- It's a touchy subject... Then you're still someone I know little about.

- There is nothing to know about me, nothing out of the ordinary.

It made me want to laugh. The big and bad Kuroo, who was now in front of me, who had shown himself so proudly, was asking me for time. I sighed and added :

- I... I don't understand why you are suspicious of me.

He had started to lean over to pick up another bottle, but he stopped short. He stared, eyes which had turned hazel from the lack of light in the room, into mine. Kuroo then slowly tilted his head to the side.

- Tell me Kenma... why are you interested in all these stories ? You understood that I was not mentally ill. There's something you're not telling me.

- Do you find it weird that someone is interested in you ?

- No, I find it strange that you are interested in me.

He smiled at me kindly before getting up to go towards the kitchen where he uncapped his beer. He then returns, yet I had the impression that he was closer than before.

- Come on Kenma, tell me where this sudden curiosity comes from.

I felt stuck. I no longer knew how to act.

- Is it so hard to imagine that I show interest in you ? I answered instead.

- Yes. he replied honestly.

I took back my glass which I had left on the small table to not have to answer him right away. Even though it wasn't visible on my face, the frustration was filling the vase to the rim.

I sworn to myself that I would only do it as a last resort. I had sworn to myself that I would not fall at his feet no matter what. I wasn't like those people in high school who were desperate to be around him, to have some connection with him. Kuroo as an individual was uninteresting to me.

- It's true though, I want to get to know you.

He stared at me for about 5 seconds.

- Certainly, any relationship begins with the meeting of two strangers. he replied, not looking convinced by what I had just told him.

Still, I managed to smile, that is to say raise the left corner of my lips, and drank the rest of my glass.We had to play along together. I put my elbow on the armrest of the sofa and rested my head in the palm of my hand. This was going to take longer than expected.

- Where do we start ?

- From the beginning. What if we drank for real, that was just the beginning, right ? Kuroo retorted, looking proud of his joke.

I had to find an excuse or at least a way to avoid the hangover he was trying to predict for tomorrow.

- We'll finish them another day, we're both working tomorrow...

- No, we have to celebrate.

The dark haired one took back my glass to go put a dash of grenadine diluted by half of his beer. I wanted to grimace. He then clinked his bottle and my glass, the sound of this impact echoed dully in my ears.

- Go Kenma, enjoy your youth and your healthy body.

...

I was on my 4th drink and honestly my vision was a little blurry. I felt forced to drink what he poured into my glass, it was a vicious cycle that I hadn't yet tried to break. As for Kuroo, he was drinking directly from the bottle with a smile plastered on his face. He was telling me an anecdote about one of the clients he had served during one of his summer jobs.

- ... When I asked him how his daughter was, he turned red.

- But why do you... In reality you just love... pissing people off ?

- It's one of my favorite hobbies yes... But wait, that's not the downfall of the story yet. That day he had come with his wife who looked like the girl he had taken to dinner the other night... So I made the connection by telling myself that they were mother and daughter. Except that the woman got up and told me that it was impossible that it was her child because she could not procreate... They argued while screaming in the restaurant. The man then took an engagement ring out of his pocket, saying she was the only he wanted to be with. The woman took the ring from him and then threw it in his eye.

I, who listened intently, felt my mouth open in shock. However, Kuroo remaining Kuroo forever and ever, didn't stop there.

- So there is a man in Tokyo who has only one eye left because of me.

- Why... you're saying that with a smile... You're an asshole. You're really going to be in trouble one of... these days.

- It's funny to see people get angry. he answered.

I frowned upon hearing his words.

- It's not... good to do that Kuro.

- Don't worry Kenma, for the moment you're the easiest person to annoy that I've met so far.

I felt the cushion I was sitting on lean under a weight. Raising my head from my knees I saw the silhouette of the dark haired one slowly shape in front of me. He tilted his head to the side as he looked at me. He reached out with his hand and placed it gently on my right cheek. My train of thoughts was too slow for me to make the slightest step back from this contact.

- We'll stop there for today, Kenma.

- No no... I still want to ask you... questions. I have so many.

Kuroo smiled at me and his hand moved slowly to stroke my hair.

- You will ask them tomorrow when your ideas are clearer. Otherwise you'll turn me into a doormat.

- You're saying nonsense again. An... answer me !

- No.

He continued to run his hand through the hay that was my hair. I tried to get up from the sofa with the plan to lie down in my bed.... Which was impossible to achieve because I collapsed the next second. I turned to stare at him with black eyes because he scoffed while covering his mouth.

- Come help me instead of laughing. i say hoping to be threatening.

- No, it's funnier to watch you try. Even if I help you, you'll find a way to argue with me tomorrow.

I pretended to get up. I hadn't even drink that much !

- Please... Kuro.

- What do you want, Kenma ? he retorted innocently.

- That you... help me. I want to go to bed.

I heard him laugh behind my back.

- And what can I gain for this service?

I grumbled and tried to stand up in another way. I had managed to move with a fairly steady step, however the second one gave the impression that I was learning to walk again.

- Kenma, Kenma stop being stubborn, you're going to hurt yourself.

He put an arm under my armpit to help me. I sat up on my bed sighing. I took off my sweater and got directly under the covers, lowering my eyelids.

- Kuroo !

- What ? Don't shout, I'm right here.

I raised my head a little and saw him on the doorstep of my bedroom door.

- Can you turn off the lights when you...leave... hic ?

- No, do it yourself.

Sighing, I turned my back to him.

- Please... I did what you asked me to do. It's doesn't even... taste good.

- If I turn off the light, what do I have in exchange ?

- I don't care, turn off the damn light.

I heard heavy footsteps moving and my bed tilted under a new weight.

- Can you answer a question ?

I cracked open one of my eyes to see him. He had sat down but had his back to me. The dark haired one continued speaking.

- Why do you reject everyone who approaches you?

-It's giving the weapons to someone to shoot you whenever they want.. No time for that.

His laughter was so quiet I thought I imagined it.

- So you plan to live alone all your life? You don't want to fall in love, have a wife, children to pass on to or even friends to rely on ?

- What's the point of being in love ? ... It ruins lives.

- You say that because it never happened to you.

I opened my second eye. As for him, he barely turned his head to look at me.

- Everyone decides on the meaning... they want to give to their life. I retorted.

He doesn't say anything for a few moments.

- I'm curious about the one you gave to yours.

I lifted the sheets off my bed and slowly got up to go turn off the light myself.

- I have answered your question. Let me... Want to sleep.

However, Kuroo didn't move. After thirty seconds I pressed him saying :

- Kuro... Get out.

- I'll make you change your mind.

And he finally left my room. However, I didn't know that until the next day simply because I had fallen asleep before hearing his last words.

...

I was jolted awake when my door opened violently.

- Kenma, you're going to be late for work.

- Let me sleep.

I turned around so as not to see him. Seeing that his warning had no effect on me, he walked through part of my room. The bed suddenly creaked and when I opened my eyes it was too late. My mattress shook and the devil had a smile on his face as he used my haven of peace as a trampoline.

- Wake up kitten ! I made you breakfast.

I got out of my bed, wrapping myself in one of it blankets, to collapse on another.

- That's my bed.

- And this is my apartment.

...

When I woke up again, noon had been passed by an hour ago. I slowly got up from the guest bed, moving into the living room. The breakfast that Kuroo had announced was still waiting for me on the table.

After eating a salad, taking a pill for my headache and getting dressed, I left the apartment to go to work. I didn't hurry, I had my hands in my pockets and my head in my scarf. I didn't want to do anything else.

When I pushed the door of the café "The Bird", I was greeted by a shout from my boss. This alerted a few customers but he didn't seem to care because he held my head between his two hands as if it were made of porcelain.

- But where have you been ? I got worried ! What happened ? Do you still have your phone? I called you several times ! You could have warned me ...

I withdrew from his embrace and continued to the staff room.

- Kenma ! resumed the gray-haired man.

- I...I wasn't feeling very well this morning so I preferred to stay in bed...

- You should have at least texted me ! I was so scared that something would happen to you.

I shrugged when I heard his words.

Throughout the remaining afternoon, I felt like I was running in slow motion. It wasn't because I was in my thoughts or because I wasn't motivated... I was just slow. Suga glanced at me from time to time, as if annoyed, however he said nothing about it.

At some point as I was helping to close the cafe, I remembered what happened yesterday, what I said and what he replied. I stopped sweeping the floor, staring badly into space.

I walked back home. However, I set foot in an empty apartment. I don't know if it reassured me or displeased me in any case, I didn't expect that. Maybe he had been held up at work. Maybe he had found more interesting elsewhere. Maybe he just left.

I was on my sofa, glass of lemonade in hand, when there was a knock on the door. I got up and saw him appear behind my door. He proudly held something brown in his hands.

- I was at Bokuto's, we made a cake !

I stood there for a few moments before letting him in.

- What can I cook ? he then asked me.

Silence.

- What you want. I retorted.

He went into the kitchen and opened the fridge.

- We have to go shopping tomorrow, Kenma. There's nothing left.

I nodded as if he could see me.

- How's your head since this morning ?

- ... It's okay.

While he was preparing something in the kitchen, whistling some song I didn't recognized although I asked him to stop several times, I remained on my sofa looking at the building opposite to ours.

That was all, but that was already enough.

⚯

Chapter Text

Chapter 10 𓇚※𓇚

I wonder what goes through your mind when someone mentions my name to you - Anonymous

Kuroo's POV

- Is a cake without flour still a cake?

I looked at Bokuto with wide eyes before continuing on his idea :

- Wait, I have even better: What is a cake ? When do the ingredients become a cake ?

There was a dead silence for long seconds, my partner in crime did not move, lost in thought.

- Brooooo.

- Yeah I know, I'm a genius. I affirmed.

I had arrived half an hour ago at his apartment because it was still too early for Kenma to come back from work. Bokuto had welcomed me with open arms saying that his volleyball practice had just ended. He then suggested that we make a chocolate cake together except that there was not enough flour left to make one.

Bokuto asked me what flour tasted like and without really thinking about it I threw a handful at him.

- So tell me, what does flour taste like ? I replied by smiling at him.

A few seconds later we broke down into a mini battle of flour balls... At the end, part of his kitchen was white and our 50g of flour became 0g.

We were laughing when his apartment bell rang. We looked at each other for a few moments.

- Are you waiting for someone ?

He shook his head before his whole face lit up.

- Akaashi ! he said as he opened his door.

- Woah easy, Bokuto.

I turned to go in the living room and saw that he was hugging the newcomer, suffocating him in his grip. I still saw a smile creeping its way to Akaashi's lips.

- Can you let go of me now ? the brunette ended up asking.

The owl-headed man shook his head again.

- Please.

Bokuto reluctantly broke away from him.

- Hey Kuroo. said the latter.

- Good evening !

The brunette stepped into the kitchen to take a closer look at what we were doing. However when he saw the state of his friend's kitchen one of his eyebrows raised.

- Bokuto... he seemed to growl.

- I'll tidy up and clean up, I promise !

Shortly after I left them as soon as the cake was cooked. It was time for Kenma to be back. I found myself face to face with him and he looked at me like he had just seen a ghost appear.

I showed him the cake while innocently letting him know where I had been. When he finally let me in, I offered to cook dinner. I often spied on the blonde out of the corner of my eye because he answered my questions with simple words, not showing any particular emotion when responding to them.

I knew very well that what he had said last night was fake, that there was necessarily an interest for him behind all that. Something he wouldn't tell me. However, I couldn't help but be disappointed to have hoped for something else, for something to change... To happen even.

Kenma ate small bites of what was on his plate. I waited for him when I had finished mine. He never once commented on what he ate.

- How was your day ? I began.

- Good.

- Did you have a headache this morning ?

- I took a pill.

I sighed and saw the blonde's eyes move when he heard that noise.

- When do you finish work tomorrow ? he finally said.

- 6 p.m.

He nodded. Our interactions were very limited, even when I was cleaning the dishes and he was drying them. I only heard hot water falling into the sink and I couldn't help but worry. Maybe he needed quiet today.

When this activity was over, the blond slowly went back to his room and I suddenly wanted to hold him back by his forearm.

- Kenma.

He quickly turned his head when he was called.

- How about going out ? I suddenly suggested.

His head tilted a little to the side. He raised his arm to stare at his watch.

- Nothing will be open at that time.

- Just one hour will be enough.

I approached him in order to pull him towards the front door. I wrapped his red scarf around his neck and then made him put on his coat. I put my hands on his shoulders to tell him:

- Please Kenma. It won't be long, I promise you.

- You promise a lot of things.

He glared at me when he answered that. He then bent down all the same to put on his shoes.

...

A few minutes later I was dragging Kenma's body in the street devoid of people. Yes the body and not the person because he was trying to slow down our progress with his feet. The blonde struggled for a few seconds to free himself.

- Let go of me. he whispered.

- No, you're going to leave me. I responded half-joking.

- It's cold.

- We are close by.

The blond then made a sudden movement to free himself from my hand. Yet, he never pretended to retrace his steps, he just took his switch out of his coat pocket. It made me sigh but I didn't comment.

We arrived at our destination shortly after, at "Sakura Ice" to be exact. I turned around to see the face of the person accompanying me. A shy smile settled on his slightly blue lips due to the cold. Seeing him like this, I smiled too.

- Are you coming or are you going to stand there like an idiot ? he asked after a few seconds spent as such.

A woman was at the reception chatting with her colleague when we entered.

- Welcome to Sakura Ice ! We are closing in 45 min.

The next minutes passed quickly, she asked us our foot sizes and asked us to pay. Kenma gave me one of his trademark glares before pulling out his wallet.

Sitting on the bench, I tried to wear out my skates. Once I had accomplished this task, I tried to get up... There was a big boom soon after and the blond turned around sharply.

- Kuroo, what are you doing on the floor ?

- Earth is too low, it's the fault of gravity that I fell.

- Yeah of course, get up.

The blond taunted me by passing right in front of me without helping me. As soon as I could, I joined him on the large expanse of frozen water. A few people were on it and trying tricks that were too complicated for novices. As for me, no sooner had I set foot on the ice than I clung to the railing for dear life. The blond ventured further without looking back, looking more confident than usual. It was funny to see him like that.

- Kenma, come help me.

From where I was I could see his frail shoulders stooping when he heard me. He slowly spun around to look at me.

- What's the matter ?

- Can you give me some tips to start ?

- You're the one who wanted to come here. You'll manage.

Even after hearing me insulting him he continued to move away from me with ease little by little. I tried to put my other foot on the ice and I congratulated myself. However, my smile was quickly forgotten when I risked letting go of the barrier and slipping further.

I heard a sigh not far from me.

- Kuroo starts by letting go of the barriers.

- Nope. Come closer to help me.

He responded to my invitation by brushing against me, making me lose the little balance I had been able to have without holding on. Looking up, I saw him crossing his arms.

- What do I have in return?

- My eternal gratitude. I sighed gently in response.

Kenma pretended to think for a few moments before retorting :

- Interesting but it's not going to change my life... It amuses me rather, I see that the "King of the school" is no longer king outside his territory.

I responded to this provocation by letting my lips part in surprise.

The one standing in front of me was different, a facet that had been hidden until then. I couldn't decide if I preferred his current attitude to his usual one. I had to know him better to decide.

He took a few strides forward, shrugging his shoulders. I cleared my throat before confessing a little loudly so that he could hear me :

- I've always wanted to ice skate but I've never had the opportunity until now.

The blonde stopped and his head turned so that I saw his in profile.

- You won't make me buy that... Not with all those people who were at your feet who would have voluntarily taken you if you had asked for it. I don't know what you're trying to do Kuroo, but it's not working.

- I wouldn't dare to do something I didn't know how to do in front of them.

Kenma was expressionless for about 5 seconds before he suddenly approached me. He put one of his hands on my chest without looking up.

- Hm... And why wouldn't that be a problem with me ?

He was starting to trace shapes through my coat but he was actually leaving trails of fire behind him. I made no move to prevent him from continuing.

- To be honest, I don't know. I... I just want you to teach me.

It's true, I couldn't explain why the idea wasn't completely unpleasant.

- Oh really ?

He was using his other hand to tuck a semblance of a lock behind my ear.

I swallowed.

Kenma pretended to brush the dust off my coat and slowly lifted his head. I was only able to stare at him stupidly. He was smiling at me, or at least I thought that was what he was trying to accomplish by lifting part of his slightly dry lips.

- I doubt I can do much.

- Stop doubting and come here. I retorted.

The blond grabbed one of my forearms to move the two of us forward. The track of my skates was much less certain and stable than his. I watched him pull me, trying to figure out how he used his legs and feet. Kenma had a certain grace that I hadn't discovered until now. Then without a warning he let go of me.

- Good now that there is no more barrier you will have to manage differently.

For the moment I was slipping normaly thanks to the momentum we had just taken. I tried to imitate him by swaying my hips to the left. When I succeeded I turned around to smile at Kenma... However I couldn't find him where I had left him.

- Kuroo look in front of you !

It was too late because a boom was heard and we were already on the ground. The blond was in a strange position below me. We looked at each other for a moment or two before he let out a chuckle. I risked standing up but my efforts were rewarded with a new pain in my knees.

- Come on... We have work to do.

Kenma extended his hand in front of him to help me.

...

- Can you serve table 26 please ? Yamaguchi asked, his arms busy holding a full tray.

I nodded before taking the order from the two new customers with my best smile.

- But if it's him ! one said, staring at something behind me.

- No, he's a professional. Maybe he has a twin ?

I looked back to better understand the situation. Only the boss was behind the bar wiping glasses. I had the impression that he spent his entire days doing that, I found it odd to wash glasses in full view of customers.

- I'm sure of myself, look at his glasses and his hands. Tell me, have you seen hands like that with a face like this somewhere else. I assure you it's him.

I felt like laughing hearing them talk about the boss's hands this way.

- I just said it's a...

- Good evening, what can I do for you ladies ?

They were silent, as if they hadn't seen me before. One of them blushed.

- I feel like I know you... Aren't you Kyo's host from " Roses " by any chance?

- No, you are mistaken.

Maybe I should go and visit this Kyo from "Roses" because it wasn't the first time I had been asked the question. To be mistaken for a host... There were far worst insults.

Before they completely disappeared I asked them who the blonde with the mustard eyes had reminded them of.

- A professional volleyball player, Tsukkshima Kei. He looks a lot like him and I'm sure...

Her friend nudged her which stopped the other in her tracks. I held back a pout, I would have liked to hear what she had to say. They left the cafe arguing about it.

But I was curious.

The opportunity to answer my questions presented itself when I deposited my apron in the reserve.

- Oh no, Kageyama is sick !

I saw Yamaguchi telling our boss and the latter sighed in response.

- Hinata is going to be unbearable.

- Tsukki ! Don't say that, you're thankful when he's on court ! Then think a bit about Kageyama... I hope he's fine... For him to miss practice anyway...

The blond shrugged and his eyes found mine when he turned his head. One of his eyebrows was raised, as if asking an inaudible question. I cleared my throat before announcing :

- I wasn't listening. I am looking for a volleyball club in which I could join... Do you have any addresses to give me ?

It was Yamaguchi's turn to look at me with his big, tender, innocent brown eyes. He then had a smile that lifted the stars on his cheeks.

- Yams...warned the tall blond.

- All you have to do is come with us ! offered this one anyway.

Our boss sighed once again. He brought one of his hands up to his nose, taking his glasses off it with that simple movement.

- We said we were stopping the comings and goings, Yams... You there, you already played volleyball at least ?

- Yes.

His eyebrow rose a second time.

- Center. I added.

His eyes were rolling up and down my body and I could barely resist a smirk. The tall blond shrugged and Yamaguchi clapped his hands when he understood the answer.

After the cafe was closed, we walked for about ten minutes, gradually approaching the city center. They were taking me to a place that was all too familiar to me, Nekoma High School.

- What are we doing here ? I asked instinctively.

I saw Yamaguchi twisting his hands when he explained to me:

- It's the only gym we have access to.

I nodded, the corners of my lips lifted slightly. It made me happy to come back to this place, to see the weeping willow a little bigger and some flowers on the sides of the lawn which was not there before.

We all three went into the gymnasium that I knew like the back of my hand. The first thing I noticed was the yellow netting stretched between the two posts. Ours was white. The second thing that caught my eye was the blue and yellow balloons, ours were white, red, green. Then the last thing I saw, even if it was the most important, was people in a corner chatting loudly in a corner.

We were noticed by a man who was making a lot of noise because he was arguing with two other boys. He frowned when he saw me and I suddenly remembered him. He was the waiter at the cafe where I had talked with Fumetsu.

Even before a sound came out of his already half-open mouth, a new person appeared in my field of vision and surprise covered his small old eyes.

- But it wouldn't be... he began.

- Coach. I was answering.

I knew very well that my face had changed because the muscles of my cheeks hurt. I walked the few steps that separated us to offer him my hand. He took it, his facial expressions just as radiant as mine.

He giggled when he parted our bound hands.

- That is a surprise ! What are you becoming my boy ?

I could see the silver haired man's feet turn slightly towards us. I acted like nothing had happened.

- I do seasonal jobs right and left to finance my studies.

- Studies of what again ?

- Medical, in France.

He nodded, seeming to finally remember this idea when I had never mentioned it to him. Teachers throughout my schooling had repeatedly told my parents that my only place was in prestigious schools, that otherwise it would waste my talent.

In reality, I still haven't found what I wanted to do with my future, I was already very lucky to have one.

That's why when they asked me I answered that I was planning to do long studies in a distant country... So that all these people don't find me and that they don't bother me too much with this question.

- When is your departure scheduled ?

- Maybe for the beginning of September. I answered blindly.

His body, which had become more curled up due to the lost years, approached me to take me by the shoulder. His wise old gaze sparkled when he said to me :

- You have always been good, Kuroo. You will get there I'm sure.

I couldn't think of a better response to what he was saying than a bitter smile on my part.

- Ok, enough talk, show me what you're worth now !

He made a 180° turn and resumed in a louder voice.

- I'll introduce you to everyone.

First he pointed to a tall dark haired man named Oikawa Toruu, he was looking at me with narrowed eyes. He nudged the one next to him, a little shorter than him, who had his arms crossed and a scowl on his face.

- Stop worrying about Kageyama, Iwa-chan. said the first

- I'm not worried moron.

The coach moved on to the next person, a little person who made way too much noise for their size, who answered to the name Nishinoya Yu, and who was getting excited with a redhead, Hinata Shoyo. Which was quite comical because the next one, Lev Haiba, looked huge in comparison.

Then he presented the only one left, the one who interested me the most from the beginning.

- And this is Sugawara Koichi.

When he looked at me, I felt like I had done something wrong.

Ha. If only I knew who he really was, I would have understood better... And I would have avoided kidnapping Kenma a few weeks later to attend one of my practices.

⚯

Chapter Text

Chapter 11𓇚※𓇚

When I die, plant flowers over my grave, so when the seeds bloom, you can pick me and hold me again - Anonymous

Kenma's POV

We were walking the streets of Tokyo and Kuroo hadn't stopped complaining since we left the mall.

- A flip phone ?!? he said for the umpteenth time.

I sneered and saw him staring at me with his mouth open out of the corner of my eye.

- That's all I could buy with the little money I had. he needed to justify himself.

I ran into Kuroo because he was stopped in front of a lighted window displaying photos of a woman surrounded by red and pink hearts.

Ah, is it that time of the year already ?

- It's Valentine's Day tomorrow... commented Kuroo.

- I don't understand why it's given so much importance. It's purely commercial.

I noticed him biting his lower lip, looking like he was trying to hide a sneer.

- It's true, but there are amazing discounts in restaurants.

- Incredible, it just shows us how lonely we are. You have all year to make us understand that you are in a relationship.

I couldn't help but roll my eyes when I said that. It annoyed me.

- Oh, it smells like someone is frustrated next to me.

- You see things where there is nothing to see.

The silence suddenly settled between us again. Looking up to see his expression, I saw that he had lowered his head to look at me.

- How about...

- No.

I stared at him hard from my 5ft5.

- Too bad you would have been surprised by my question.

I shrugged and resumed our progress towards the apartment.

Kuroo cleared his throat.

- Are you done early tomorrow ? he asked.

- No, there is no reason to.

Why did most of the things around us have to do with love? Why do we give so much importance to a single feeling ?

It's so weird.

...

- Come on Kenma, it's your turn to decorate the window.

Suga started to push me towards the window of the cafe"The Bird".

I braked with my feet, clutching my oval chainring hard.

- What about the customers ?

- I'll take care of it and don't pretend to care that much.

- I don't know how to do. I am not an artist

- I don't care, you know the tradition. Nishinoya did the Christmas one and after Nishonya it's you.

- But how do you want me to illustrate something that I don't understand ?

I felt Suga nudge my back more gently. It worked ? He will leave me alone ? A small smile crept onto my lips.

- Work it out, Kenma. You are capable of it.

True... It was Suga I had to deal with. I had never won an argument against him, today was no exception.

- But ...

- I don't care, do something. Think of someone or something like that. All you need is in the back room.

He put one of his hands on my shoulder before walking away again. I sighed silently causing a stubborn lock of hair, that had escaped my ponytail, to fly out. It's going to be a long day today.

Again, Valentine's Day is purely commercial.

I went to get the equipment and saw that everything was in shades of red. Red like the color of blood, red like the color of wars and yet red the color of love. Ironic isn't it ?

What is love ?

In books authors and characters always described the feeling as unique and violent. It would take you by the guts when you least expected it, like there were too many butterflies in one place and you were about to throw them up. Like you had the impression that life is more colorful, that things and possibilities are more numerous. A feeling capable of making believe that it is as obvious as the Earth revolving around the Sun. Capable of making contact between skins electric. Able to make you satisfied and dissatisfied at the same time.

This is how they describe love : Something wonderful that has a sour aftertaste.

A bit like clementines when we had eaten too many at once.

Why assign a day to celebrate our love ? We love our parents, our friends, our boyfriends, our pets... We can appreciate, love, adore every day of the year.

Anyway, why did I bring so much thought to a simple café window display ? The number of hearts and the way they are arranged won't change anything in their lives and neither in mine.

It does not matter.

I got to work, making it look silly and red enough to bring in customers.

- See ! When you put your mind into it everything is easier ! Suga said from behind me.

I heard him starting to walk away behind me but I interrupted his progress.

- Do we have a menu with the discounts on it ?

- Yes... What for ?

A few minutes later the menu was taped to the window. Passers-by stopped from time to time to look at it. I smile, I had to admit that listening to Kuroo was not always useless.

- That's a good idea you had there. Did it came to you just like that ?

- I was talking about it with someone and they told me that the most important thing was the big discounts we offered to couples on Valentine's day.

- What ?

I turned around making a face, Suga had big inquisitive eyes. I moved forward to pass him before he began asking his typical awkward questions.

- Kenma, you can't leave like that ! Who is it ? How long have you known each other ? Where does he live ? When are you bringing her home so we can meet her ? Oh my god, I was starting to worry.

I suddenly stopped.

- Wh... What ?

- So, so when are we seeing her ? You know what ? cCme home for dinner on Tuesday night.

- Suga.

- Don't be shy with me !

I inhaled deeply.

- Suga. I repeated again.

- I'm listening Kenma.

- There is no one, it is only an acquaintance.

- Yean but still ! We all start somewhere...

He raised one of his eyebrows, mischievous.

- I don't even want to have this conversation with you.

I resumed my walk, a little annoyed. Why was she insisting on this particular subject ? Kuroo was only an acquaintance.

Throughout the day, Suga tried to corner me several times, but I managed to dodge him each time. When it was the lunch break, he purposely sat down at my table and tried again to subtitle me information. I wondered why I was always the mouse face in a chase.

...

I looked at my watch, February 14th 17h56 displayed on its dial. I stifled a yawn despite the only hour of service I had left to do.

When I get home I should record a video.

I saw Suga approach me, a wicked smile plastered on his lips.

- It's okay Kenma, you can go home.

- But there is still an hour left ? It's going to be rush hour soon, you will need me.

- Don't pretend to worry about the customers. You have someone to go early tonight, don't you ?

He winked at me, my anger starting to rise again. Then come to think of it twice, maybe it wasn't so bad to play along.

- Yes, you're right. I have to get ready, an hour more would be more than welcome.

- Yeah, shoo !

His evil smile widened. Before it got out of hand I put on my coat, my scarf and was about to open the door when Suga called out to me one last time, approaching me quickly. He searched for something in his apron's pockets and placed it in my hand.

- Here, a small birthday present in advance.

- It's not until a couple of months Suga...

- I'll leave you alone now.

His words surprised me, I opened my hand and saw that he actually gave me a condom. I turned red and wanted to throw it to his face. However, the café was filled with customers and some of them were already watching us out of the corner of their eyes.

- You're walking around with this in your pockets?!

- You always have to be prepared for worst... or best, you tell me.

He gave me a wink to which I replied with a grimace. To think that he had this permanently in his pockets disgusted me. Maybe when we had our backs turned Daichi and her... No I don't want to think about it. It's too daring. Typically Suga.

- Yuck. I just say.

I approached to give him back what he had just given me, but he turned to take orders from a couple.

- Have fun !

- You're too much sometimes. I whispered and was forced to put his present in my pocket.

One thing for sure, I will throw it in the trash the second I am home.

...

I'm cold.

- Kuroo, let me go !

- No, you're coming with me. You wouldn't have come even if I had asked you nicely.

- That's no reason to drag me like a potato sack. What do you want now ?

I tapped him on the shoulder with my free hand. His answer to my mouvement was making his stride bigger, forcing me to concentrate a little more on the imposed rhythm. The streets were heavily used at this hour, especially for this "special" day.

We arrived in front of a restaurant with a typical decoration of the 80s in the United States. I couldn't have been prepared for Kuroo to suddenly slip his hand into mine before raising our intertwined hands to show the waitress.

- A table for two please.

As soon as she turned around I tore myself away from him, without forgetting to give him a blank stare.

- Please play along, Kenma. the dark haired one whispered to me.

I started to turn around but stop when I realized that several people had turned around to look at us.

- I have to tell you something. he continued.

I turned my head to look at the exit and saw more people staring at us. I lowered my head, using my hair as a curtain to avoid seeing them. I felt a hand pull mine tentatively forward.

Once we were seated at our table I immediately asked him what he wanted to talk to me about so we could leave as soon as possible.

- Stay then I'll decide if I tell you. he retorted with a wink.

I started to get up but Kuroo grabbed one of my arms to keep me from walking away.

- Please...Stay. It's important.

I jerked free and sat back down. Not having bothered to take off my coat, I pulled out my switch from one of its pockets. A few minutes later a waitress came to our table. The one in front of me smiled at him announcing that he would like a mojito, as for me :

- Water.

I saw his smile fade.

- So what did you have to tell me ? I urged him again.

- Do you think the waitress is hot ?

My fingers froze on the screen. I took the trouble to look in which direction she had gone.

- Normal ? was my response when I saw her again.

- And yet under this uniform she hides the biggest pair of boobs I have ever seen.

My cheeks changed color hearing that. It took me several moments to sort out my thoughts, especially those whose meaning I did not understand. Our eyes met and I had the impression that he was trying to send me a message through them.

- Kenma.

The waitress came back, leaving him with the only choice to be quiet. It was with even more incomprehension that I saw their exchange of smiles. The dark haired one began to converse with the latter. At first, it was only "how have you been ever since" or "What are you up to these days" however when it turned to "do you remember so and so? Yes I am seeing tonight, do you want to join us? I decided to act..

- Kuroo...

The nicknamed pretended not to hear me, continuing his conversation. I didn't like it, we didn't have time for love affairs. I needed him to solve the murder. That was the only reason I was sitting at that table.

So I kicked him under the table and smiled when he grimaced in my direction.

- Have you chosen ? asked the waitress.

- A caesar salad please.

- And what about you, sir ?

- I don't want anything.

I just wanted to get out of here, I was uncomfortable.

The brunette looked up from her notebook to tell me that she would come back in five minutes in case I had changed my mind.

- All good ? wondered the other.

I shrugged. Once the salad arrived, the waitress felt the need to add to the service:

- I asked them to add you a plate of grilled mackerel on the side.

- Thank you very much Gin, I didn't think you would remember. You still don't want anything ?

I shook my head. However, only once, I took my fork to steal from him one of those famous grilled fish which he apparently loved.

- Kuroo, you have very bad taste.

- No, you are the one with bad taste, dear Kenma.

I heard a smirk in his voice. A glance in his direction indicated a pair of eyes glimmering in turn.

- Can we go somewhere else ?

- To do what ? Are you not having a good time ? .

I rolled my eyes and a few minutes later I got up, left this restaurant and waited for him at the front of it. I quickly became impatient and quickly looked behind me to see where he was. He was talking with the waitress, who seemed to want to give him a paper.

I returned to the building once again to quickly take the arm of the man who was supposed to accompany me. Kuroo stumbled slightly because of that, I took the opportunity to bring him closer to me without looking up from my switch that I held with my free hand.

- Kenma, wait I didn't pay.

- So what are you waiting for ?

I huffed and started to pull out my wallet however he surprised me by pulling out some ¥1,000 bills.. I just managed to stare at them with wide eyes.

- I got my pay today. he explained to me.

- Oh.

That was the only answer I could think of. The waitress scribbled black lines on the check before telling us to come back soon with a smile that was a little too flirtatious for my taste. I saw a few numbers on the paper before Kuroo put it in his pocket.

- There are wet clothes to hang when we are home. I pointed out.

He stopped short.

- Wait, Kenma, I don't think you heard me right. I did not leave the restaurant to go to the apartment right away.

- I'm going home. I affirmed.

- Oh no. The evening is far from over for us.

He grabbed my arm, like he used to do these days, and led us past a simple store decorated with a pink neon sign highlighting the word "Calipso." The dark haired one didn't give me time to open my mouth to ask any questions before we rushed behind it tiny door. We were going down the stairs when we accounted two masses pressed against one of the walls.

Why am I still here following him ?

- Where exactly are you taking me, Kuroo ? I managed to ask despite the fact that I already knew the answer.

- Where it all begins.

- Are you capable of taking things seriously sometimes ?

- There is no point in always being serious. he retorted.

We arrived at the ground floor, well it had to be given the number of people there. In front of us was a totally neon pink bar. Absolutely pink to the unthinkable, the lighting, the walls, the decoration, the balloons, the chairs...

My first remark was :

- So much pink.

- And yet it's not even her favorite color.

I turned my head as if to ask him where he was coming from. But instead of doing the same he looked around the room.

My second was :

- How loud is the music ?

- The louder, the better.

He then walked straight ahead, that is, towards the bar, and spoke to the bartender. He then gestured for me to come closer.

-Fumetsu ? says the one on the other side of the islet.

She had stopped wiping the glass she held in her hands.

-Fumetsu ? I echoed to her question.

Why did this girl's name follow me around like a prisoner ball in the cartoons ?

- No, his name is Kenma and he is not related to her in any kind of way.

When he saw the questioning eyes of his interlocutor, he added that the three of us attended the same high school.

- I still haven't changed my mind, Kuroo. What are you doing here ?

- It was Kenma who asked to come.

The brunette rolled her eyes. Her attention locked on me for a moment before she returned to her glass and its red rims.

- You're not going to make me believe that. He's never been to such a place, you're just traumatizing the poor thing.

My cheeks flushed at the comment and I found myself staring at my tiptoes trying to calm myself down.

- Serve us two mojitos, Juliette.

- Are you going to pay me with dirty money ?

When I tried to raise my head again, I saw the bartender's dark eyes and the crooked smile of the one I accompanied. What was happening ?

- A glass of water will do. I said.

- Kenma ! You haven't eaten anything at the restaurant either. Come on. he grumbled.

This remark raised the eyebrows of the one listening to us.

- I told you that I was not planning to stay, there are things to do at home.

- One drink and I'll hang all the wet clothes. pleaded Kuroo.

Did he really think it was going to affect me ?

Something changed as the bartender pulled out two glasses and held out her hand prominently in front of her. He exchanged them for a handful of bills and thanked her.

- I don't know what you're doing, Kuroo, but it's dangerous.

- I'm not doing anything dangerous.

He smiles at her. I followed their interaction without understanding its meaning. Why were they talking about danger ? I didn't get the answer to my question, even when the dark haired one handed me a drink and dragged me to a quieter room. We found ourselves in the middle of sofas occupied by... couples. I tried not to look too much, my cheeks burning.

I had nothing to do in this place. What was I still doing there?

The tall one led us to a couch where there was too little room for two people. We moved in anyway and I found myself pinned against Kuroo. The latter put his arm on top of the sofa, looking completely in his element.

- When are we leaving ? I asked.

- Enjoy right now dear Kenma.

I scowled, trapped by his blackmail. He drank the contents of his glass little by little.

- You don't want it ?

- I don't like mint.

I suddenly had plenty of room to my right, the woman next door had just gotten on the lap of her partner at the time. Kuroo took my drink, finished it, and got up faster than I thought possible.

- We'll try something else. I think you will like it. he said to me before disappearing.

As I waited for him, my hands writhed and my eyes remained fixed on the door through which he had left. The color of this room was a darker pink than the one before, turning borderline red and making my surroundings difficult to see. I stole a glance to the couple who was next to me, the woman moved her hips back and forth while kissing the man who accompanied her in her delusion, holding her thighs like crazy.

I realized once again how out of place I belonged here. I wanted to get up, however I was held back by the one and only :

- Are you going to leave me here... alone, Kenma ?

I turned my head and was surprised how well red suited him.

- Try that. he continued. It's another cocktail, sex on the beach.

I noticed another glass that often brushed his lips. I held the one he handed me to my nose and smelled orange. There was a slight bitter, burning aftertaste that the cocktail had left on my tongue.

- What is this ?

He smiled at me as he returned to my side again.

- Vodka. Not bad, is it ?

I shrug my shoulders despite my growing desire to drink the rest of my glass. Everything happened quickly afterwards or too slowly, I had no idea. Kuroo went back to get me the same cocktail three times. I started to feel hot and a few uncontrollable giggles escaped my throat.

I wasn't comfortable but I didn't pay much attention to it anymore. I was in a bubble. As for the dark haired one he kept a serious look, sunk into the sofa. His normally hazel eyes had turned into two black orbs due to the lack of light.

- Kuro, didn't you say to enjoy... right now ?

He turned his head in my direction while running a hand through his hair. He stared at me for no reason and I couldn't find any other answer except laughing. I took off my scarf and my coat, letting them fall on the sofa. The latter frowned.

- You seem to be doing very well on your own.

- Don't be...jealous.

Red suited him well, it was his color.

Red. Red.

I suddenly wanted to imitate those around us. I got up from the sofa, half sure of my movements. I presented myself standing in front of him, without raising my head, before moving forward to put myself on his thighs.

My eyes met his confused ones and a shy smile came to clear my lips.

- What are you doing ?

I leaned against his chest, sighing casually. I felt hands settle on my shoulders, pushing me away. I then decided to put my head in the crook of his neck and I felt the one under me shiver. Kuroo put his hands on my thighs and I felt the warmth in my head slowly spread elsewhere.

- Kenma, are you okay ? What are you trying to do ?

- Red... Red suits you well.

I planted a quick kiss on his throat, easy to reach, and was pushed away just as quickly.

- Even if I was gay, I will not fall in love with you Kenma.

Ah.

Red was also a color that suited the Devil too well.

⚮

Chapter Text

Chapter 12 𓇚※𓇚

If I had a flower for everytime you crossed my mind, I would have one flower because you never left it - Anonymous

Kuroo's POV

Kenma stared at me with wide eyes, looking like he was just as stunned as I was.

I pushed him away with both hands, which were still resting on his thighs.

His thighs... but what was I doing ?

I did my best to avoid his gaze.

-Kenma...

He stood up too abruptly and straight for a person who had just had a couple of drinks before heading for the exit door. I didn't know what the next thing was. I didn't think about this type of situation yet... Especially Kenma.

Fuck. Kenma!  What were the chances that tonight would have ended like this ?

He suddenly moved to the right, crashing into the doorway.

-Kenma ! Wait !

He didn't even bother to turn around. I tried to grab him but he slipped through my hands. I pushed my way through the crowd on the ground floor. I continued to follow him, pursuing him in his mad dash.

I had the time, and the misfortune, to meet the ocean gaze of the one behind the bar who was moving her head from left to right before I managed to catch up with the blond.

- Kenma, look at me.

He pulled his wrist forcefully towards him.

- Please.

He responded to my request by leaving the building and then he began to run, far, very far.

It took me a while to realize that I had to run after him. Moments later I was only beginning to wonder what I was going to say to him once the blond was at my arm's length.

One thing was certain, in any case I shouldn't be on his bad side... If I ever do ... Would it be possible for him to kick me out ?Would it be possible for me to be homeless again ? I thought back to the nod of the bartender I had just passed.

No, for now I had to take care of him. He had been drinking and the city was dangerous for him at night.

Instead of yelling his name like I wanted to, I forced myself to quickly catch up to the blond and then silently follow him to his apartment. When he turned his doorknob he asked me in a low voice if I could go and sleep somewhere else tonight. I whispered in response that it was not a good idea given his condition and that I needed to take care of him.

- Kuroo, you've done enough for today.

- But I have nowhere to go ! I was trying to negotiate.

- You will find someone there.

I understood that he was referring to the " Calypso ". However, I had a bad feeling. Above all, I didn't have to go back there.

I had to force my way through his door.

- Kuroo, please. Get out of my house.

- It's not a good idea. Let me take care of you, you're not in condition. We will talk about it tomorrow ok ?

He made me understand his disagreement by a few whispered grumblings. I paid no attention to it, preferring to help him remove what was covering him. At first the blond pushed my hands away, however his movements were imprecise and he ended up giving up.

I offered him a glass of water once he had changed in his room. I laughed as he stared hard at the light bulb in the ceiling. I solved his problem by turning on his bedside lamp and turning off the one he had been using before.

- You can leave, I don't need you.

- You will often wake up to go to the toilet during the night. Tomorrow you're going to have a headache and... I was starting to warn him.

- Kuroo I swear. Go to bed, you've done enough.

My smile froze upon hearing his words. Kenma turned his head, implying that it was time for me to take my leave.

- Call me if you need anything.

°°°

It was 3:35 a.m. according to Big Ben's imitation which was visible from my window and I was tossing and turning in bed yet again to have a better chance of falling asleep.

I no longer knew what to think.

I no longer knew what to think about.

I no longer knew if there was more for me to think about.

Yet I always came back to the same thought: "the confusing Kenma". That was the case years ago, when we were both high schoolers, so why would that have changed now ?

Perhaps his movements at the " Calypso had been controlled by alcohol... Otherwise I would have to adapt to the situation... I would have to pretend to have feelings for him. This with the sole purpose of not finding myself on the streets again... Or at least until I find another escape.

I sighed.

I knew full well that I would not be able to fall asleep, I was thinking too much for that.

°°°

- Oh you came early today ! exclaimed Yamaguchi when I pushed the door of the staff room of the cafe " The Moon ».

- I had nothing else to do at home.

Having seen a heaving meaning look from him, I asked him where our boss was to not have anything to explain.

- He dreamed of a new pastry last night, he is trying a recipe to imitate it. the green haired boy explained to me.

We didn't have more time to talk about it because a few customers were already starting to fill in " The Moon ". The tall, mustard-eyed one was not present for the rest of the morning. He only appeared around midday with a plastic bag in his hand which he threw at Yamaguchi.

- Here, it's a salad from Momo.

He disappeared into the staff room without adding anything else. The smaller boy's gaze alternated between the door closed just two seconds ago and the bag in his hands. He then mumbled a series of incomprehensible syllables and I finally understood that he wanted to join the blond.

- Don't worry, I will take care of the customers. I affirmed by placing a hand on his left shoulder for support.

I did not see the two again until fifteen minutes later, noticing a red and breathless Yamaguchi. I didn't comment except for a raised eyebrow in their direction. I didn't know them well enough yet to show myself really curious about the bond that united these two.

Although I had had the whole day to reflect on my current situation, I decided to knock softly on the apartment door. The thing to do for now was to pretend my feelings.

Just pretend feelings.

Pretend.

Why do I always have to pretend ?

I have to make my roommate believe that I have developed feelings for him.

The door opened slowly to show me a Kenma with dark circles under his eyes. I wanted to ask him why, but I was cut off in my tracks. I was no one to ask him that question. However, after reflection I realized that this was exactly the thing I had to do :

- What happen Kenma ?

I pretended to want to take his tired face between my two hands but he pushed away the contact brutally.

- Didn't you find the pill I put on the table this morning for your hangover ? I continued.

I had gone back and forth on purpose before going to work to get it because I already knew the consequences of his drinking yesterday.

- No, I didn't know what it was.

- Didn't you even see the note next to it?

Silence.

- Stop what you're doing Kuroo.

- Do what ?

The blond turned on his heels to go back to his room.

- Won't you eat with me ?

- I already ate. he said before slamming the door to his room like a teenager.

I found myself planted in his small apartment but quickly came back to reality when my stomach acted up. Once my pastas were finished and placed on the dining table, I knocked on his door.

- At least come sit at the table... To keep me company and so that you can tell me about your day.

I didn't hear any response from him and he didn't come while I was eating. That's it, I was starting to lose the interest of the blonde. Why was I surprised ? I had nothing to offer him.

Several weeks passed like this. Kenma no longer waited for me to eat and did not come out of his room. It was as if I found myself living alone in this apartment.

On Saturday evening of the third week I had had enough and even after getting a negative answer from him I opened his bedroom door. The blond was on his gaming chair. He wouldn't turn around even when I got closer to him, and especially not when I was right next to his headphones-covered ear.

- Do I have to understand that your game is more interesting than me ? I'm really going to believe you don't love me at all my dear Kenma.

I saw him become rigid. If he turned his head I would just have to bend down so that our lips could touch.

It was still too early. It would have been too early, he would be wary of me.

Pretend. Pretend.

Still, that didn't stop me from tilting my head a little closer to his. I saw his breath escape irregularly and I couldn't stop a sneer from settling on my lips.

- You missed me that much-

- Kuroo, you have nothing to do here. In my room.

My mocking mood flew away.

- Please Kenma.

- What ?

- Come eat with me.

The blond put his headphones back on his ear.

I stayed at his side for a few moments without moving before suddenly straightening up. I watched his hands dancing skillfully on his controller and my imagination started playing tricks on me. Shaking my head, I took a step back.

My heart was beating rapidly as I pulled Kenma's forearm towards me. His headphones was weirdly pulled off his head and the smaller one was falling off due to the sudden movement. He looked dazed.

- But what are you doing ?!

I didn't answer him, pulling him up with an impulse of my arm. I asked him to put on his shoes and coat, but he crossed his arms, grimacing. I acted like I hadn't noticed.

- Come on Kenma, I'm waiting for you.

He huffed before heading in the opposite direction, meaning his bedroom.

- No no, where are you going ? You're coming with me.

I forced him to sit down to put on his coat and shoes. He was trying to push me away.

With great difficulty, I managed to get him out of this cursed apartment to which these 4 oppressive walls belonged. I felt him slowing down our progress with his feet, struggling a little, but I still wanted to smile again.

He repeatedly asked me to let go her hand but it made mine slide little by little until it was tangled with his. This silenced him for a few moments before he forcefully pulled away from me while continuing to stand by my side.

I turned my head to see his reaction when we arrived at our destination, " Sakura Ice" and was lucky enough to see his eyes suddenly light up. I congratulated myself, I had made the right choice.

I ignored the lady at the reception, who was smiling too much, while taking out the money required to have access to the ice rink. Kenma followed me without a word. I decided to say :

- I told you we would be back.

I thought I saw a smile pierce his thin lips.

- I didn't think you would want to come back because of "your talent from birth" for ice skating.

His eyes were bright with mischief.

- I would not remain on a fail attempt with such a good mentor.

For the first ten minutes the blonde took pleasure in ignoring me, leaving me with the only function to watch him while firmly holding the railing of the ice rink. If he thought it was weird he didn't let me know, even when he slowly came back toward me, taking a piece of my sweatshirt near my ribs to pull me.

I fell several times, and at each of them Kenma laughed. A woman, a little older than us, came to help me up by offering me her hand. Casting a quick sidelong glance at the one accompanying me, I noticed his smile wither for a few moments.

Oh no, don't tell me that...

Pretend. Pretend.

However, I took the hand of this lady, almost reluctantly, to make Kenma react. To rekindle his interest in me. I knew very well that it was not me who interested him but the knowledge that I had, the knowledge that I had acquired in prison. I wanted to know why and for that to happen we needed a bond, a bond of trust.

Kenma, so small and fragile Kenma, who climbed on top of me. He had put his ass on my thighs astride, had put his two hands on my chest then on my shoulders then finally on my neck in order to deposit his small lips on it.

Kenma. Kenma. Kenma.

Kenma who had run away after this, his eyes wide with terror.

Kenma. Kenma. Kenma.

Kenma who was capable of that.

I did not understand anything. What did he expect of me ?

- Kuroo !

As I fell on the ice, the blond pushed me with one of his feet, quickly pushing me away from a child who was about to slide on my hand. I stood there, too stunned to make the slightest move. For once I was the one looking up to stare at Kenma.

My fingers could have been cut if he didn't do anything.

However, what came out of my lips was not a thank you but a joke "you always find excuses to hit me, you want to touch my body that much ?" accompanied by raised eyebrows.

The smaller one rolled his eyes before imitating his last gesture more violently. I held my ribs to protect them from his kick.

- You're ridiculous. he told me.

I held out my hand so he could help me up but he responded to my request by crossing his arms.

- Do it yourself, I'm only looking.

After a while, the blond took pity on me and helped me. I took advantage of this moment to ensure that we found ourselves chest to chest, tightening my arms around his frail waist. It was a delight to hear his breath come out awkwardly. His head was at the perfect height for me to lay mine on top of it.

Kenma, meanwhile, remained frozen. Then, as I expected, he pushed me away.

- Kuroo what's going on ?

- Can't I hug you ? It's a "thank you" for everything you did and do for me.

He shook his head. His amber eyes embedded in mine. I swallowed.

Pretend. Pretend.

- No Kuroo. You don't "thank". What are you doing it for ? You've been weird during those three weeks.

Kenma. 3 weeks. Kenma on my thighs. 3 weeks.

How could he act as if nothing had happened ? It was impossible for me.

So I tried, I threw myself into the void. Playing dumb.

- I thought that after what happened at the " Calypso " that you wanted to...

- There was nothing to believe, nothing to understand... I...

His words bumped and clashed silently in his mouth. He ended up taking my sleeve. He stopped his mad dash only when the door to his apartment was closed behind me. The blonde nodded towards the couch.

Oh. Oh. Problem coming thru.

- We need to talk Kuroo. he began once we were both settled.

My eyes were glued to the window. My name rolled on his lips in a way that was still unknown to me, like in the movies.

What was this middle schooler delirium going on ?

- Kuroo. You need to tell me what happened during your stay in jail.

Here we are again, with this same topic. Once he gets what he wants, I won't be of any use to him. The blond will no longer have a reason to keep me in his apartment, I will no longer have a reason to stay here... I never had one.

- Why are you so interested ?

- I'm looking for someone. he admitted to me.

- In jail ?

I felt my heart start pounding in my chest painfully. Kenma surely didn't know that the prisoners had very little interaction with each other. We were always under surveillance. The only place where we could " enjoy " and " help" each other were in the common bathrooms... Honestly when that happened we weren't really busy talking about the reasons for being in this place but rather relieving each other.

- Yes. He was a man.

I waited a few moments for more details on the person but nothing else was added.

- I'm going to need more information.

- In fact... I don't know if he went to prison.

- Kenma...

I turned my head to be able to observe the latter's shoulders, still covered with his coat, tense. I made sure to put my hand on my side to comfort him despite my cold sweats, however it only made the situation worse... The blond suddenly stood up without looking at me.

- Kenma ?

He continued to walk away.

- No, tell me about him. I can be useful to you, I surely know him.

- You'll just think I'm crazy.

- Aren't we all a bit ?

He turned his head slightly in my direction before walking until he slammed his bedroom door behind him.

Here we go again.

- Hey ! The shoes in your room have nothing to do there !

The door reopened for a moment to reveal flying shoes before being closed.

I only managed to laugh despite my anxiety.

No reason to be. For him I was just a poor thief of money who had knocked out a policeman during a tantrum.

I was just that and nothing else.

However, these thoughts had turned into loops the following days. I was always on alert.

Several times I tried to get closer to the blond: a breakfast ready on the table in the morning, hands that remained a little too long in the hollow of his waist when I helped him put on his coat, a glass of water when he came home from work, a pastry I had made in the staff room of the cafe of " The Moon ", a book in a library whose title made me think of him... In short, all that to be rejected.

I did not know what to do.

And that was new.

One evening I decided to visit Bokuto. What was my surprise when I returned 2 hours later to find a panicked Kenma who was busy biting his nails on the sofa.

- Why didn't you answer my calls ?

I immediately lost my smile. Pulling what served as my phone out of my pocket I could see 4 missed calls from him.

- I was at Bokuto's...

He continued to stare at me without adding anything else.

- Next time answer... Or at least send me a text. he whispered to me.

- For what ? Were you worried ? I couldn't help but question him.

A grin accompanied my lips and his amber gaze descended to see it. The urge to get closer to him suddenly took hold of me and I succumbed to the idea. His head tilted upwards to always watch my face.

It was my turn to follow the curve of his lips. Those same lips that had settled for just a second on my neck. Gentle like the only gentleness offered by lips. I remember the chills and goosebumps that had spread over my skin because of them.

It was probably due to the fact that I had not had this type of contact for a long time.

Just that.

However, although it cost me to admit it, I was stuck on this moment with him. My imagination did not stay at that point, it went much further and especially towards things that were not... allowed.

I thought too much and too often about the awkward movements of Kenma's pelvis at ease on my thighs.

I closed my eyes and tried to think of other things...to focus on what the one in front of me was saying.

- Of course... I was waiting for you to eat.

He rolled his eyes.

I finally noticed the table set and the saucepan in the middle. Kenma settled in and I imitated him. It all suddenly sounded very professional, Kenma had something to ask me. Questions that had to do with my time in jail and that someone he was looking for.

- Kuroo...

Here we go. I was only good for him about that after all.

- Did you often speak with the other inmates ?

The blond was refilling my glass of water, casually.

- From time to time.

I saw him thinking.

- Did you know the reasons for their stay ?

- Only when they wanted to tell me.

He nodded slowly and served me a plate.

I just wanted him to talk.

- Have you heard of a person who killed someone ?

I barely managed not to drop my cutlery. I did my best not to react.

- Very few because these people are hanged. It's the death penalty for murder in Japan.

- I know. But those aren't the ones I'm looking for.

- How do you know that ?

I slowly lifted my head to see that Kenma hadn't touched his plate, his cutlery still in his hands and a facial expression capable of breaking your heart.

- At the end of the national newspaper... There is always a list of deceased people, even prisoners. This person was not there.

- Because you know who it is ?

- No. The police said it was a suicide.

I was breathing again.

- If the police told you it was a suicide, why are you trying to contradict them ?

- Because I have proof and my mother would never have done that.

His mother ?

- Your mother ?

I couldn't hide my horror when I saw him nod.

- All... All my condolences.

- You couldn't have known, but you can help me find them.

- Your mother ?

- The person who killed her, stupid.

A nervous laugh escaped my throat, I had a hard time containing the power of the blonde's gaze. I had never felt him so alive as I do now. He was fierce.

- Are you sure ? I was hoping for him to say no.

He retorted with a hurried "yes", repeating to me that it was not possible otherwise.

- You know Kenma... I didn't talk much with the others... I'm just a simple thief.

His head went from left to right.

- We can find him.

He was running to his room to actually bring back a piece of tissue. Before telling me the following things :

- This is what i know. It happened on the night of July 28 to 29, 2017 around 10:30 p.m. in the Shinjuku district. She was shot in the kitchen with a Nambu Type 194 and the culprit had entered through the wide open kitchen window and was wearing gloves.

He showed me almost proudly...

- That's the gun he used.

The weapon of all my nightmares.

I thought I was hallucinating when I saw out of the corner of my eye my victim in a corner of the living room who was shrugging her shoulders.

⚮

Chapter Text

Chapter 13𓇚※𓇚

I might be the writer but you'll always be the words- Ben Maxfield

Kenma’s POV

I saw Kuroo's honey eyes widen.

He knew them ! Kuroo knew them !

- Kuroo, tell me what you know !

Seeing him hesitate, I moved closer to him, holding his shoulder firmly with one hand and handing him the object with the other. The dark haired held back, his eyes shifting.

- I don't know anything... I... Why do you have a weapon in your apartment ? 

He got up. I barely had time to understand what was happening before he had already disappeared behind the front door. I stood still for a few moments before trying to follow him but the corridor was empty.

I waited for a moment, sitting on my couch staring at the floor lamp in front of my window. The weapon still rested in my hands.

Kuroo didn't come back.

°~°

The days were long. The heads of the customers at the cafe were nothing more than a fog of color. It was always cold. The laundry basket had been overflowing for a long time. The days were no longer days, everything was confusing, it didn’t make any sense.

If it all had any meaning before, it had lost it. I did not know why. Actually I did. I knew why : Kuroo was no longer there.

His presence had not disrupted my lifestyle and yet it was different from what I used to before meeting him. I wanted to find Kuroo but if I did I would have to explain to him… tell him that he was more than an ex-classmate. I didn't know if it was trying to convince myself or him when I was repeating these words to myself over and over.

The more time passed, I was convinced that he had thought I was crazy, that this was the reason why he had left so quickly. Another part of me still remained skeptical but this idea was becoming more and more repressed.

After a week of absence I realized that I missed the guy.

It was chaos in my head. I mulled over the thought: “you let him into your house to get information on the murderer” but I was becoming convinced that it was for a reason.

Kuroo. Kuroo Testuro. The tall, dark, charming, intelligent, volleyball-playing high school student… At home. The one who was at my house. The one took me to the ice rink, to the restaurant. The one I straddled and kissed on the neck.

The heat from my cheeks spread to the tips of my ears.

I thought back to my breath that had settled on his parted lips.

I licked my lips, moistening them as if the scene was going to redraw itself before me.

I thought about his eyes which had become dark due to the lack of light when they were on me.

I closed mine so that the scene looked more real in front of me.

I thought about his hands running through his hair before putting them on my thighs to guide me.

I slid a hand along it, feeling my skin shiver under the contact.

I thought about the jerky sigh that had escaped his lips when I started moving on him.

I furrowed my eyebrows to remember better.

I thought about the tenderness of his skin under my lips.

I wanted to bite his neck to hear something louder than a sigh.

Kuroo...

-Kenma ! Hello Kenma, earth to you ? Can you hear me ? 

I opened my eyes to see that I had stopped sweeping. Suga stared at me from behind the counter, one eyebrow raised to reflect his confusion. Then I looked down to see a lump under my apron.

Oh my God. No.

Don't. Don't. Don't.

It is not possible.

- I… I forgot to do something today.

- Is everything okay? I'm worried...

I didn't have time to hear the rest; I had already left. My crotch hurt. I didn’t take care of it in a long time... way too long. The trip home, which was normally a 10 minute walk, was only 5 that day.

When I got to the door, I dropped my set of keys several times in my haste. I barely thought about taking off my shoes before rushing to bed.

I was out of breath. I looked at the ceiling. I tried not to think about it but it was like saying no to a child who had just been promised candy. The scene played in a loop and my brain had fun inventing the different ways it could have ended.

The blood in my body was going in a different direction from where it normally goes. I felt myself getting hot. The contact with my clothes was becoming unpleasant against my skin, which is why I quickly took them off. The sheets on my bed felt soft under the parts of my body they weren't used to touching. But that didn't help me. 

It was awkward to just be naked in my room like that. Like the world could somehow see what I was doing.

I closed my eyes, forcing myself to breathe more slowly. However, I could no longer ignore it. I delicately lowered my hand along my torso, goosebumps formed shapes like powder before the explosion. I went further down and encountered the elastic of my boxers. The last wall to cross before... I crossed it without waiting and a moan escaped my lips.

Instinctively I put my other hand to my mouth to muffle it. But it was useless, no one could hear me. My hand slid easily over my member thanks to the pre-cum making it wet. It was so easy and pleasant that I bit my lower lip. I did it slowly, I felt myself moving back and forth unconsciously. I was getting closer to what I was looking for, I knew it, I felt it.

I thought about the friction of our chests. I pinched my nipple and a gasp escaped my lips. A shock of electricity coursed through me, tumbling lower, making me harder.

I thought about his hands leading my thighs. He could have put them in the hollow of my hips helping me move up and down. My hip movements became firmer.

I thought back to our crotches which had quickly rubbed against each other. I could feel how long and fat it was, so proportional to his body. I felt myself shaking.

I thought about his dark eyes. The same eyes that could have looked at me while he sucked me, taking the time to savor my flavor. My movements on my member became more urgent.

Then I thought of his spread fingers, his long fingers that he could run anywhere on me. I went further down, drawing a circle where I wanted them to be. This circle became tighter and tighter. Then when it was down to a point, my other hand would do one last up and down before I exploded.

I heard Kuroo‘s voice whispering in my ear that I had never been as beautiful as in this state : Out of breath, trembling, sweating, burning.

It took me a while to come back down. When I opened my eyes, my room seemed darker.

I was only sure of one thing: I had to find Kuroo Tetsuro.

°~°

The days passed. Suga tried to find out the reason for my sudden escape the other time but I didn't tell him anything. I was ashamed of what I had done... But on the other hand I forgave myself because Kuroo wasn't the ugliest man I knew.

That took me several times. Especially at times when I shouldn't, I had to slip away and reappear just as quickly. Finding my old roommate was becoming an obsession… An obsession not for the right reasons. All I could think about was him.

However, Kuroo did not reappear. Then an idea came to me one day: “ The Moon ”.

I went to the café a little before it closed. It was crowded, mostly with high school girls and older ladies who were giggling while following a raven-haired person with their gaze. I couldn't really criticize them since I was imitating them. A sigh escaped me.

I pulled my scarf up a little higher to better hide my face as I headed towards a free table.

From time to time I saw the green-haired boy from the other time but I only looked at him. He was listening attentively to young clients. My heart skipped a beat watching him do so.

No thoughts were present. No, in fact there were so many flying at once that I couldn't concentrate. I didn't know what to say to him. Why was I even there ?

It was him who left, not me. He didn’t come back even when he knew where I was. 

I waited, scanning the landscape outside the window when he arrived.

- Hello, what can I do to… he interrupted himself. Kenma.

I purposely turned my head slowly, dramatically, movielike.

- Kuroo.

A long look was exchanged between us. I had shivers that I struggled to hide but I forced myself to maintain contact with him.

- Kuroo, I ...

- What can I get you ?

I kept quiet.

- Kuroo, can we talk ?

His honey eyes turned towards the large clock hanging on the wall. However before his lips start moving I say :

- I know you have 2 hours left. I'll wait. A hot chocolate please.

He turned around slowly.

I remained true to my promise. I waited (accompanied by my switch), I often raised my head to observe the dark haired. I noticed that his movements were sometimes awkward when our eyes met. I also noticed that the green-haired boy was talking to the boss while looking at me. I was embarrassed, I lowered my head so that my hair served as curtains.

When I had ordered my third hot chocolate I heard someone sitting at my table. He cleared his throat to get my attention.

- What did you want to talk about Kenma ?

I remained silent.

- Where do you sleep ? I asked instead.

I saw his glance in the corner of his eye with the boss. He and his employee were still watching us.

- I... Can we get out of here ?

The one in front of me looked reluctant upon hearing my request but ended up nodding.

Although we were outside, I was no longer inspired to start the conversation.

- What did I do Kuroo ?

-Who said the problem was you ?

I raised my head, my eyebrows furrowed.

- You left because I have a loaded gun at home.

I was sure that was why he left. He was silent for a moment before sighing.

Panic began to work its way through my veins. He had to go back with me. He had to. My rational side reminded me that my mother was my priority... Yet my thoughts did not follow that path. No, they followed a more voracious path... Which wasn't like me.

- Come.

I don't know where I got the courage from, but I took his hand and led him in the opposite direction. At first he struggled but when I said he had nothing to fear he let it go. He let himself be guided just for the good reason that he trusted me.

I sighed again but for a completely different reason. A pleasant feeling spread through me. I wanted to intertwine our hands but when I saw the dark haired face; I preferred to stay that way.

One thing at a time.

We found ourselves in front of the “ Sakura Ice » and I saw his eyes shine like those of a child.

We spent more than an hour in this place. Almost with regret he no longer needed me to move forward on the ice. I was behind him, about ten meters away, watching him make brutal movements from time to time when he lost his balance. He couldn't hear me making fun of him in the distance.

He fell at one point and was unable to get up. I took my time to get closer to him, I silently savored his panicked looks as he tried to find me among the crowd of people present. When he finally found me, relief was present on his face before his eyes became cold again.

My heart vibrated in an unpleasant way.

We had to talk. I was only delaying the unavoidable. 

I held out my hand to him. He stared at it then got up alone without taking it.

- I'm going to have to go home. he began

He saw my confused look and explained.

- If I knock on the boss's door after 11 p.m. I could sleep in the corridor of the building.

- But why do you…

- It's better that way.

I was taken aback and he walked away.

-Kuroo. I called out to him when we were both outside.

I almost tripped because I hadn't had time to lace my shoes. The noise interrupted him in his tracks. He turned around quickly, his face decomposed. 

- Come and help me. I hurt myself.

It wasn’t true. I was fine. I just wanted an excuse to cling to him.

He hesitated but eventually moved closer to me. Suddenly, I remembered the things I had done in my room... Thinking about him. Hopefully it was him rather than me.

I blushed. I waited for a remark from the big guy but he was looking far ahead. As if he hoped to be very far from here.

My heart sank.

He took me home without me asking. He did not cross the threshold of the front door.

- Come in.

I waited for him to do it. He did.

- Stay here, it's getting late.

He didn't take off his shoes. He barely closed the door behind him.

- I'm going back there. he said

- It's 10:30 p.m, you will find yourself at the door.

One of my eyebrows arched, daring him to contradict me.

- I can't stay here.

I couldn't hide my disappointment. I moved closer to him and he took a step back.

- Why ?

He was silent for a moment before admitting to me :

- I'm not the person you think I am.

I walked forward until our toes touched.

- I know more about you than a passerby on the street, Kuroo Tetsuro.

I heard him exhale strangely. Looking up, I lingered on his lips for a second too long. I reflexively moistened mine, which caught the attention of the person in front of me.

- I… I… Kenma.

His voice was becoming distant. My thoughts were becoming loud, too loud to be precise and reasonable.

I wanted to kiss him. That's what I did.

On the rare occasions when I imagined my first kiss it was a delicate deposit of lips on other lips. Where I would have been too stressed to make any movements. Where I would have been as rigid as a piece of wood for fear of doing something wrong. We would have been on a soft surface, like a bed and we would have taken the time to do things. Where I wouldn't have been in a hurry to start again.

Well, it was quite the opposite.

My first kiss was violent, as if I wanted to be in too many places at the same time. One of my hands was highlighting his jaw and the other in his hair was pulling one of his hair strands. I pressed myself against his body, leaving no space between the two of us because I was too busy grinding against him. I had pinned him against the wall despite being 10 centimeters shorter and my strength like a sparrow.

Kuroo let himself go, he seemed to soften under my hands. Once I was out of breath, I moved to his neck.

I was launched.

I pushed the collar of his sweatshirt then his t-shirt and bit a fragment of his skin. I could hear the ragged breathing of the one I had under my fingers. It was a noise that pleased me far too much for what it was.

My hands started to wander, going lower. Too low to be reasonable. They undid his belt quickly, too quickly for a beginner... But I had been thinking about doing it for days.

My hand went even lower, and Kuroo hissed through clenched teeth when I reached my destination. I stroked it with my fingertips on the fabric before passing through the elastic of his boxers.

- …Kenma…

- Hmm. I replied in a distracted voice.

I was too busy leaving wet kisses on his neck, which seemed to please him given his spasms.

I came into contact with his member and became hot when I discovered that the tip was wet.

- Oh Kuroo, that much ?

He groaned and threw his head back, completely at my mercy.

I ran my index finger all the way, feeling the twitching under it. I couldn't help but smile. Then I finally take it with my whole hand, sliding it from the top to the bottom. His breathing accelerated. I continued my assault on his neck, sometimes leaving marks.

- I… he said.

- You… ?

I stopped each of my movements, whether it was my lips or my hand.

- Do not stop. he retorted immediately.

I laughed softly.

- Otherwise what ?

He said nothing. I didn't understand why I was doing this. I wanted it and that was it. I knew it wasn't like me.

He moved his cock in my hand, urging me to continue. I shifted my hold again along his member and he arched under my touch. It was delicious to watch. I felt like I had control over him. A smile appeared on my lips.

Suddenly I had an idea. I followed the curves of his thighs and moved down to be on my knees. Kuroo followed my movement and looked at me with wide eyes.

- Kenma, don’t do that…

He didn't finish his sentence in an understandable way because I placed my lips on his tip. I did the same in different places, especially on the pressure points that I, myself, liked.

Then I took it in my mouth. He didn’t say anything.

- Don’t stop in the middle…please. he pleaded again.

I moved again along his member and he arched again under my touch. Power came running through my veins. I continued, listening carefully to his reactions, until I pushed him to the climax.

I touched my fingertips to his jaw, a little rough to the touch before bringing my face closer to his, following the curve of his neck with my nose and he shivered. I caressed his hip with a light hand. My crotch was sore but I didn't do anything about it, not knowing what was going to happen next.

I was on cloud nine.

- Hm… What made you change your mind ?

He suddenly opened his eyes, reconnecting with reality.

- I haven't changed my mind. A hand is a hand.

I froze. I suddenly felt dirty, a wave of cold sweat came over me.

I quickly put some space between us.

- What were you expecting, Kenma?

I was back at stage 0.

Well, not 0, I was no longer called Fumetsu for him.

By observing him a little more, I could see even in the dim light that his eyes were wide open and that he still hadn't touched his pants.

Kuroo was disturbed by what had just happened.

- Kenma, just because I can help you find your mother doesn't mean anything has to happen between us.

- You know something ?

He didn't say anything and for a brief moment I thought about his lips moving when he spoke to me.

I had become an idiot. My crotch still hurt, but it wasn't as painful as before.

-Kenma, we can't do this. The two of us can’t do this. 

- But why ?

He took a breath, pulled up his pants in one fluid motion as if he had been doing this all his life before saying :

- Because I don't like you.

And closed the door behind him.

Like a thief. 

Chapter Text

Chapter 14𓇚※𓇚

And suddenly all the love songs were about you- Anonymous 

Kuroo's pov

I left that building as quickly as possible. I wanted to put some distance, the whole world would never have been enough.

What had just happened ?

Why did I let him do this ?

For what ?

Why did it have to be Kenma?

Shit. I cum even. Gosh, it sucks. It sucks. It sucks.

I struggled to forget the situation he had dragged me into, the sensations that spread like wildfire, his hands like ice cubes against the inferno of my skin, his amber eyes encrusted in the honey that was mine, his carnivorous mouth against mine...

And shit.

I changed direction, walked for a moment before finding myself in front of: Calypso which went hand in hand with its pink neon lights. I crossed the threshold of the door and began going down the stairs where I found, like always, couples busy kissing against its walls. I ignored them, I had to find someone, quickly, at all costs.

The music vibrated my eardrums unbearably. I pushed past bodies to get to the bar, searching for her like a man gone mad. She reappeared, speaking with a man in his thirties while having bright eyes.

- Hey ! I shouted to make myself heard over the noise.

She turned her head but her gaze remained focused on the man. I moved to get closer to them.

- We will never find brains like Einstein's... I heard him say.

- Yes, that's the whole principle. Did you know that it was cut into small strips so that scientists could observe it ? Well now it's on display in a museum but it's still cool. I intruded .

-Kuroo. the bartender only replied, not even surprised to see me here.

- Juliette.

I smiled at her broadly and asked her to follow me. She responded to my request with an eye roll before telling me that she didn't have time for me.

- Please, I really need to talk to you.

Her face remained closed.

- Juliette.

The brunette frowned, thought for a few seconds before sighing and asking the man to wait for her there. Juliette walked away and I saw the man staring at the brunette's ass.

- Don't even think about it dude. She only likes black cocks, not sausages.

He swallowed and turned in the opposite direction to talk with another girl. I laughed because the situation was so ridiculous.

- Oh Kuroo, don't start with stupid things otherwise I'll leave. What did you tell him ?

- That you didn't like sausages

One of her eyebrows arched, translating her confusion to which I responded with a shrug of the shoulders while snickering.

- Forget about it. What do you want ?

- Come with me.

I took her hand and pulled her behind me through the crowd of customers. I borrowed an electronic cigarette from a girl who I winked at. I put the drip tip on my lips and could discover a red fruit taste.

We passed in front of this room, the one with a sofa where... I shouldn't have thought about it. I came to get rid of him.

I took us to a room, which the brunette had shown me before opening the club. When the door was closed I quickly turned around and took her face in both hands, trapping her. The prisoner remained unmoved for a moment before trying to hit me.

- Oh come on Kuroo!

Her big ocean blue eyes that I struggled to look at were wide open. Her mouth was half open and she wiped it dry with a sharp movement of the back of her hand.

- What is wrong with you ! I said I didn't want this to happen again.

The bartender pointed to the space between us to be clear.

- Please Juliette. I implored her.

- No. You told me you wanted to talk.

- I have to check something otherwise I'll go crazy.

She shrugged her shoulders, telling me that it wasn't her problem. I put the tip of my cigarette between my lips once again, and let the smoke come out. The brunette found herself lost in a cloud of red fruits which she dispersed with hand movements.

- Just for tonight, Juliette. Just once.

- Still no.

- Juliette, I did something stupid.

She sighed.

- The opposite would have surprised me, what did you do this time ?

I let myself collapse onto the floor of the room, trying to surrender to the effects of the cigarette in my hands. It worked, a little. I started my story the same way.

- You see, everyone needs money...

°~°

Juliette was the first person who knew everything. It took her a few moments to absorb everything... And her first reaction was to take me in her arms, telling me that it must be a heavy burden to carry.

- You don't have to blame yourself. She wanted it... You gave her the outcome she wanted. The world is not rosy, Kuroo... It's a color pallet where you mix bright, dull, pastel...

The tears had not streamed down my face, I was too far from that now. I didn't need to be reassured, I couldn't have done it any other way. What I needed were answers.

- Juliette. That's not really what worries me. What worries me is...

-Kenma. she finished.

I avoided her gaze, the tone she had used was nevertheless soft

- This can only happen to you... she sighted

- What are you... I don't like him !

She shrugged, her signature apparently.

- You came to see me for reassurance. I can be emotional support if you want, but right away you mainly want to put me in your bed to reassure you that you are not attracted to a guy.

She took a deep breath before confessing to me.

- I can't do anything for you and there is no harm in being attracted to...

- Don't finish this sentence. I cut it.

Her eyebrows rose almost to her scalp.

- Are you reacting like that because he is Anastasia's son or because he's a man ?

I didn't respond.

- Either way, it's a bad idea. I concluded.

Juliette was not trying to contradict me.

- I can't do anything for you, Kuroo.

When I thought about it seriously the situation was crazy. How had I managed to find the one person I had to avoid at all costs ? Then what happened between him and me didn't mean anything in itself... Well, for me. It was just two bodies lacking adrenaline.

I had a hard time keeping the blond's face out of my thoughts. Those eyes so big that should only have translated innocence whereas... Those lips that when I met him were dry, became slippery. Those same lips that had surrounded me, sucking in and making my body heat rise. These identical lips which had been deposited between my thighs to make room for teeth...

- Are you thinking about him ? the bartender asked me.

I frowned, not understanding where this question came from. She pointed to my pants which were now accompanied by a bulge. I huffed and tried to think of something else. I met the brunette's gaze and what she saw there made her step back.

- No Kuroo, it's not me you want, it's not me you're thinking about.

I put my head in my hands because she was right. It wasn't her I wanted. I wanted blonde hair that I could flick with my wrist instead of brown. I wanted amber eyes instead of ocean ones. I wanted short, thin hands instead of big, round ones. I wanted a body that didn't have a particular shape instead of one that was made specifically for that.

The things I could do with him.

However, it was not love that fueled me but something completely different that was carnivorous and destructive.

I threw my head back. It was torture.

I could have done that tonight, he would have let me do it... And what am I even saying ? Kenma is not an object. I thought like an animal in heat. Kenma didn't deserve this.

I felt dirty. Only then did I realize how I had left him there, alone with a hungry look. I'd gone like a bandit, leaving him greedy while breaking something I didn't know existed.

It shouldn't matter how he felt. I mean, it's Kenma. Kenma. The only person I wasn't allowed to touch even a single hair of his head.

Kenma was the outcast from high school, the type of boy you found under the weeping willow in Nekoma's small courtyard.

Kenma was the type of boy to always be on his Switch, the world could have turned sour and he would still have found a solution to continue playing.

Kenma was the type of boy who was more comfortable on the ice of a skating rink than on the soil of a park.

Kenma was the type of boy who was far too shy to admit to anyone that he needed help, a shoulder to lean on.

Kenma was the type of boy to hide behind the curtain of his hair so that you could forget his sharp irises.

Kenma was the type of boy to lend his guest room just to find his mother's murderer.

Kenma was Anastasia's little boy, her son.

It was only because of me that he was like that. I had given him this life because I was selfish.

There were 8 billion of us on Earth, 8 billion and it had to be him. A man, thin, blond, observant, shy, impulsive, thoughtful, skilled, clumsy, calculating, precise, obstinate.

It sucks.

- Kuroo.

- Juliette, it sucks.

- Yeah.

She was laughing but it nature was nervous .

- Why, why...

- Why him ? I don't know. You never took the shortest and easiest past.

She honestly laughed after her remark.

- You sound wise, it's creeping me out. I can't meet him again. I finished

The brunette opened her mouth to have another round of "it's not your fault", "stop blaming yourself", "she wanted it" I cut her off by saying :

- You don't know Kenma like I know him.

- True, I don't know him like that.

- No, when he will understand he will never want to see me again...

I saw the bartender think for a while before trying to convince me not to confess anything at all.

- Juliette, I won't see him ever again.

- Are you really going to move on ?

- I'll be fine, I am sure of it. It was a one-night stand.

- Kuroo...

I avoided her, no longer knowing if it was her or me that I wanted to convince. It was still not love that filled me but affection. There was a tugging in my heart, urging me to put an end to this charade, to give him his answer.

That I was the murderer he had been looking for all this time.

°~°

That evening I promised myself I would never set foot in that apartment again. Kenma deserved better than his mother's killer. A month had already passed, my desires kept low by going out several times bringing sober and willing girls for an evening or two... Always the same profile unfortunately, little thin blondes who had absolutely nothing to do in nightclubs.

Oh well, one night's hypocrisy suited me just fine.

I often took a little detour into the neighborhood in which I no longer lived, a bunch of keys that no longer belonged to me always present in my pocket, like a totem. Most of the time I did it while being conscious of my actions, but it happened to me, inadvertently, to go there in the morning after the one-night stand, after the hypocrisy of one evening.

I didn't know exactly what I was doing, what I wanted to prove to a person who should no longer exist for me.

My heart kept a diabolical rhythm against my ribcage every time I passed that street... For no reason, because you weren't there.

To tell the truth, I always came when I was sure I wouldn't run into him. Frequent bad habits were smoking, drinking, gambling, having a sweet tooth... For me, that was my bad habit. Because it relieved me as much as it stabbed me in the back.

It was bad for me. I was giving myself hope for something I had to forbid myself at all costs.

Kenma never came back to the café "The Moon ".

It's not that I was looking to bump into him, that wasn't supposed to happen. I couldn't help but observe each person who passed the threshold of this door. I probably had to hope that it was you.

I sometimes had fun distorting their facial features but there was always something wrong. This one hair was too dark and her, her nose too small and her, her eyebrows too arched, and her, her mouth too heart-shaped and her, her too many freckles and her, her neck too thick... Yeah...

Another month had passed since then and nothing else had changed.

I didn't know why I used that evening as a deadline, "from then on I did this, I did that", "from then on I thought this, I thought that"... It's me who left so it's me who shouldn't think about it anymore.

Did you think of me from time to time ?

I couldn't figure out what you might have been thinking. There was so much going on behind your golden orbs, you must have been exhausted yourself.

Ha. I thought about it as if I had known him for years.

It was laughable. I hadn't thought about Kenma at the end of high school. At no point did I tell myself "ah, it's him". He had never crossed my mind yet now he often populated my thoughts.

I also realized after this lapse of time that I had learned nothing from you, even after living under the same roof.

I struggled not to think about it too much, joining a gym to transform this frustration.

I should have at least gotten to know you.

I was an idiot.

You must have known it too because two months later you still hadn't appeared on the café's steps.

The days were similar. You might have been proud to know that I now had my own apartment and that I had expanded my culinary knowledge.

No, I wasn't thinking of you.

No, that's completely false.

I was kidding myself.

A happy fool, that's what I wanted to be. I was better off in ignorance, when I didn't know who you were. I had since digged a little on yours past, I had learned that your father, a businessman, had collapsed under the loss of his wife and had dishonored you. I had learned that no one had heard from you but that no one had really tried to find out.

Because of me.

I forced myself not to pass on your street anymore, instead I walked on the one that was parallel to it. I think it was to reassure me that, I wasn't doing it for any other reason in case you wondered.

I also often walked in the park next to the café where you worked, the one where we had our snowball fight a few months ago. I could have gone to that café and fixed everything, changed everything, but I was too much of a coward to do that. Believe it or not, I was afraid of you.

Your reaction to the information I had would change everything, absolutely everything.

And it was dangerous.

Because I wanted to know but I wouldn't allow myself to.

I could end your suffering by simply telling you "it's me" but that would only be the beginning of mine.

Yamaguchi watched me from afar, his eyebrows furrowed. He did this when he was worried but didn't want to bother me with his questions. I regularly saw him interacting with the boss, giving me worried looks throughout their conversation.

The boss also started to ask questions but he didn't translate the same way as the green one. He expressed his by repeatedly rubbing a long-clean glass with a dirty cloth.

I didn't think there would be any benefit in explaining my situation to them. They couldn't have understood that I was the key to the problem.

°~°

I encountered the "door" of the problem three weeks later in a street that I was taking for the first time. I was on my phone, watching a video on Yourling when I collided with someone.

This someone was falling and I saw a black object with red and blue tips on the side falling. I was leaning to retrieve it and return it to its owner except that the latter was frozen and for good reasons.

It would be necessary to explain to me by what alignment of the planets it was possible for me to come across from him here, in this somewhat shabby and smelly street in Tokyo.

-Kenma. I greeted him.

He remained speechless on the ground. His eyes flew from one point to another, sometimes on the next lamp post, his switch in my hands, his legs, my legs, my face.

Although he was silent at the moment, I knew full well that there was a multitude of thoughts racing through his little head. I noticed that his hands had become fists and seemed to be shaking.

I had so much to say to him and nothing at the same time. Everything was jostling, thoughts crossing when they should never have collided. It was happening too quickly.

I opened my mouth like a fish out of the water and him stayed on the ground. We had glances from people passing by at intervals on this street. Time lengthened to the point of incomprehensibility. If this had any meaning, it no longer had any.

I waited.

Waited.

I waited but nothing happened.

My hand itched, I wanted to hold it out to him so he could take it and we wouldn't talk about all this anymore. But no, I was still the same with the same mistakes and the same consequences.

I ended up doing it but he made no move to take it

I turned around and waited before walking in the other direction.

It was the right thing to do.

And yet. However, I should not have been the only one to ask myself these questions because he shouted at me :

- Kuroo wait !

I stood still, impatient to know what was going to happen. The blond rushed towards me and pulled one of my sleeves towards him.

- Wait, wait, wait...

- I'm waiting. I reassured him, barely hiding my amusement.

I shouldn't have been amused. I should have left as quickly as possible, putting my hours spent in the gym in practice. However, my reasoning was losing its meaning. Kenma wanted to talk to me, he interrupted me to tell me to wait. I therefore could not no longer leave.

Damn, I look like a schoolgirl with her first crush.

Or the girl in a rosy comedy in which we could guess the plot in the first 30 seconds of the film.

- Give me a second. he continued.

The smaller one held my sleeve tightly in his hand. It was mild at that time this year, June had been accompanied by a light wind and birds in the trees. The blond had his brows furrowed and remained like that for some time.

- What are you thinking about? I ended up breaking down.

I was disgusted with myself when I heard the tone of my voice, sweet as if he were made of glass.

-Kuroo. he said again.

- Yeah ?

I was starting to worry.

- I... I...

I suddenly stiffened. No, he wouldn't dare.

Then he did something unexpected, he let go of my sleeve and brought his hand to his face, hiding it from me.

- Kenma ? Kenma are you alright ?

Shakes ran through his skinny body.

- Speak to me Kenma.

Something broke inside me. So apparently that was the only thing I was good for : making him cry.

⚮

Chapter Text

Hiiii !

Chapter 15 𓇚※𓇚

Nothing hurts more than a heart wondering why - fw

Kenma’s pov

While we were on this unknown street in Tokyo Kuroo did something unusual : he circled my wrist with one of his hands.

Kuroo Tetsuro never initiated physical contact. Never.

I showed my surprise with a little noise, an ingenious mixture of a cry and a sob, which made the black haired freeze. His grip on my arm became lighter and moved down a little along it.

I didn't know what to think at that moment. I shouldn't have crossed paths with him, it was for this simple reason that I was taking this route. I was too afraid to see him after that night.

He raised his hand as if trying to console me, another little cry invited itself out of my throat following his action.

So yes it seems weak for my part but hey, I didn't really know how to react otherwise.

My heart raced for no apparent reason and I felt ridiculous.

He was there in front of me. I had forgotten certain folds of his face, of his handsome face.

I tried to hide the tips of my ears which were turning red. The dark haired didn't understand my action and tried to make me lower my arms so that he could see my facial expressions. He succeeds, of course.

I opened and closed my mouth to say hello but even that seemed complicated. The inquisitive looks around us didn't help matters. I felt the tallest one of us trying to move us to a quiet street corner.

- We'll be better off there. the latter was justified. Take the time you need Kenma.

His tone of voice was also unusual, gentle as if to protect me. This only resulted in doubling the flow of my tears. The situation made me want to smile while taking off running.

I was just making a fool of myself in front of him. It was so not me , all that. This whiny version because I had the chance to meet him in this unknown street.

Luck ? Luck... He left you alone that night .

My tears became hot and I pressed my fists against his chest repeatedly.

No, I knew what I felt. I was angry.

He had left me without an explanation. I still needed him. For Mom.

Liar.

You want to keep him for yourself yeah.

- Woah, Kenma ! What's wrong with you ?

- Weren't you supposed to be at the best of your class in high school? I retorted.

There was a brief silence.

- Yeah and  ?

- You left me Kuroo !

I forcefully pulled away from him. My tears, these treacherous traitors, became rarer on my cheeks and I thought I saw a scene from a movie before my eyes.

Everything was ridiculous.

The situation was ridiculous.

This street was ridiculous.

His hair was ridiculous.

Kuroo was ridiculous.

And I was ridiculous, more than ridiculous, even more than ridiculous.

- You are... I started.

I saw his eyebrows furrow and my words got lost in my throat.

- Kenma, I... you know I warned you.

He scratched his neck and looked away. His hands, which had just surrounded me, were put in his pockets.

“Even if I were gay, I wouldn’t fall in love with you Kenma. »

Ah yes that’s true, I had forgotten that one. The pounding in my chest grew more painful as I met his honeyed orbs.

“Because I don’t love you.”

The beating becomes unpleasant.

The visuals that my brain gave me the pleasure of seeing again, of him against my front door, his head thrown back, his hair disheveled, his eyes closed, his lips parted, his t-shirt pulled up to reveal bite marks, his pants... No, the worst was his spasms, the noises that he had made thanks to me...

- It’s... It’s… Rah !

No, that clearly didn't look like me.

- Kenma... What's wrong ?

He looked at me again. He looked worried.

- Just... Just shut up !

- I can leave too if you want, I'm expected somewhere else.

He took me by surprise, a surprise that I had difficulty hiding. I was having trouble sorting out my thoughts. What topic did I need to talk to Kuroo about again ?

Everything.

The tallest one was huffing. My flow of thoughts became clearer.

-You’re expected somewhere ? I finally decided.

He nodded. Yes, if it was really normal that after 4 months something else happened... Well something else... Even though nothing happened between us.

I pulled myself together, squeezed my hands and raised my head high to face him.

- What do you know about my mother ?

- What tells you that I know anything about her ? he replied with a smirk.

Typical of him.

- You’re lying. I tried.

The black haired was surprised.

- What ? I’m lying now ? Why would I lie about this ?

- Your hands.

These were transformed into fists in the pockets of his jacket. He doesn't say anything for a moment. He thinks.

- Why are you thinking about ?

- I'm trying to remember him... It's all a bit blurry...

- Was it a man ?!?

Kuroo pretended to back away.

- You really don't know anything ? he wondered.

The world seemed upside down to me.

- I have no information. The police always thought it was suicide... Oh Kuroo... I was right all along, it was murder.

The latter shuddered for a reason unknown to me.

- You're not going to let me go, are you ?

I agreed to it, the movements of my head violent.

- Dear Kenma, I will offer you something.

- I don't have time for your bullshit Kuroo. You don't realize what's at stake, I think.

The one in front of me let a sneer escape his lips.

- For every information I give you, I have the right to something in exchange otherwise you will get nothing.

My blood only boiled.

- I... Okay. Are you sure it's him ?

The black haired looked down the main street and sighed, indicating our agreement. He threw his head back, leaving his throat exposed. An electric shock shook my thoughts at this vision, I moved closer and Kuroo suddenly opened his eyes to look at me.

Then he smiled.

- I want you to buy me a camera.

- You're kidding.

He laughed while shrugging his shoulders.

- It's up to you, Kenma, if it's a joke or not.

If it was to find Mom's murderer, everything was just a price. In a way, I was going to buy his information without knowing if he was telling me the truth.

- Give me your number. I only whispered in response.

I had no time to doubt. He offered me a way, a path that had until then remained invisible.

- And I thought you were more creative. he mocked.

He made no further comment, holding out his palm in the space between us. I gave him what he wanted, not showing my anxiety.

I had a way to find him now. He was no longer out of reach but within reach. He was literally in the hollow of my hand.

When it was time to give me back the cell phone, our skin brushed against each other. There was suddenly silence surrounding us. I wanted to fill it but my throat was getting dry again.

- Don't contact me again until you have it.

I knew it was a stupid decision, I knew it well, however he was perhaps the only person in the world who could do it, because he was perhaps the only one who had the answer to my question.

It was painful to realize it.

I wondered about the reason for such a gift, but too briefly for it to really take shape. I had the opportunity to move forward, finally.

It took me a week before I saw Kuroo again.

The dark haired asked to meet up in a café that was still unknown to me before I passed through its doors. I wanted to turn back when I discovered pale pink, hearts, sequins, lace... My eyes stopped on the culprit, he was waiting, staring at me calmly while delighting in my surprise at this place. I rushed towards him.

He laughed in earnest when I arrived at his table.

- Awesome ! he exclaimed.

My cheeks turned red.

- Why here ?

- I wanted to see your reaction, since you avoid this kind of place like the plague. I am not disappointed.

The tall one laughed once again before inviting me to sit down in front of him. He pretended to wipe away tears that were welling up in his eyes.

- Oh come on, stop Kuro.

He didn’t say anything else. I didn't understand his reaction but I didn't comment.

- Ok, wait. I say instead

I handed him a red packet. The dark haired pointed out to me that I was taking it all too seriously. He unwrapped it, happy like a child who hadn't been allowed Christmas for years. His honey eyes sparkled, similar to the first time when he cooked pasta a few months ago.

Despite myself, my heart skipped a beat.

I stared at the scenery through the window next to our table, I didn't want to see that.

I thought I could tell from his loud exclamations that he liked the gift. I looked at him again. Radiant.

- I wasn’t expecting that ! It’s perfect Kenma !

The taller man got a slight upward tugging of lips from me in response. He got even more excited when he discovered that the device's batteries were charged.

A waitress comes and Kuroo explains to me with a wink that there are discounts for couples.

Nah but I'm dreaming. Tell me I'm dreaming.

He finally got the best of me, which resulted in a slice of apple pie and a glass of water with strawberry syrup. The waitress was more thrilled by Kuroo's acting than mine.

I pulled my hair into a low ponytail and was eating some of my pie when a “click-click” thundered. I didn't look up, thinking I had heard wrong. The noise came again and :

- That fits you well. broke the dark man's voice.

I continued to stare at him, stunned.

I never knew if it was my smile and the hairstyle he was talking about.

He repeated this circus several times, until I blushed and turned my head in the opposite direction. The tall one tried to attract my attention, to catch my eye but I made the task even more complicated for him by hiding behind the curtain of my once again untied hair.

Against all expectations, the “click-click” became even more numerous. I tried to grab the device which made him laugh even more. When I finally noticed that a good number of customers were looking at us, I froze.

- Kuro, stop.

- You don't like being photographed ?

The apprentice photographer had gently put the camera on the edge of his side of the table. I shook my head from left to right. The black haired sighed and drank his milkshake instead until his straw loudly filled the established silence.

- Well, I thought carefully about the information I could give you in exchange for that...

He held up his freshly opened gift. The former high school student smiled embarrassedly when my pupils were embedded in the honey that was his. I thought I saw us again, under the weeping willow of this cursed courtyard in Nekoma.

- I think he's older than us.

- You think ?!?

My voice came out shrill from my lips, the waitresses looked at us with an evil eye because we were disturbing the ambient calm. I clenched my fists, tried to act as if nothing had happened.

I made my tone hasher.

- Kuroo, if you only “believe” it won’t do it. Considering the price of the gift you owe me a lot more than that.

The black haired guy didn't need to know that I had actually found his gift in a second-hand store and that I had barely exceeded the 17 000 ¥ (= 100 $) mark. I mean, it was still expensive for a gift in exchange for poor information.

- I never said that I knew him well... Have you ever met him ?

I bit my lip, a movement he quickly followed before looking out the window. He crossed his arms and his t-shirt made it difficult for me not to stare at him any longer.

It was ridiculous.

Everything was ridiculous.

- All right. I whispered, dejected.

If every gift I was going to give him was this expensive, it was going to take months.

The black haired nodded, a slight smile inhabiting him.

- My next gift will be...

He fell silent, lost in thought, and I saw his face suddenly darken. Not that he had been particularly radiant before but something had happened since we last saw him.

A bit like a blue sky sun becoming disturbed by storm clouds.

I had no qualms about observing him, but he didn't let anything show. I took the time to take note of the details of his face which may have changed since these few months of separation. There was so much more light here than on this street and...

- Kuroo, this is going to take forever. I end up breaking the silence.

The tall one sighed and brought one of his hands to his neck to scratch it.

- You're right.

He got up and I understood too late. The waitress blocked my exit, telling me I had to pay. However, I did not immediately give up. I don't understand everything but there was definitely a connection.

Everything always had a connection.

However with Kuroo when one of us took a step forward, the other took 3 steps back.

We went around in a loop, we talked without saying anything.

I ran in the direction I thought he had gone. Passers-by jostled to make room for me in the crowded street, as if the dark haired guy had done it on purpose. My breath became more and more rare and the passers-by more and more numerous.

- The number you are trying to reach is no longer...

I tried again and went straight to voicemail. He blocked me.

No.

But... What could I have done this time ?

I remained still. Kuroo was going to reappear, he always did.

I waited a moment before deciding to go to the only place where I could find answers about him: The Moon .

It was the green-haired boy who greeted me, fake smile plastered on his lips. When I asked him to call Kuroo, he frowned while explaining to me that it was the latter's day off. However there must have been something on my face that made him change his mind. When he came out of the back kitchen, his head was down.

The tall blond comes to place his hand on his shoulder before our eyes meet. He sighed while pinching the bridge of his nose, taking off his glasses.

- I don't know what's going on between you two but you need to resolve this as quickly as possible. I'm more than tired of this influencing my employees so much.

The smallest reacted to his words, frowning.

- He owes me an explanation. I defended myself

His face became haughtier, more detestable and his look had the effect of a cold shower on me.

- You have your share of responsibility.

He seemed so sure of himself.

A sick smile appeared on his lips. My stomach felt like it was turning.

- How so ?

He shrugged his shoulders. The greenette still stared at him, as if I no longer existed.

- Think about it.

Except I was beyond tired of thinking. I turned around and was going to go out when :

- He likes to go hang out in a park next to...

...I closed the door so as not to hear the answer.

I quickly took out my cell phone.

→ To: Kuroo Tetsuro

Where are you ?

The message was not sent.

→ To: Kuroo Tetsuro

WHERE ARE YOU ?

The result was the same.

I lowered my hands and leaned my head back. How many parks were there in Tokyo ? Dozens and dozens, what was the point of this treasure hunt ?

Mom is dead. Nothing will change that.

My mother is dead.

Nothing will change that.

Nothing.

This has been the case for 6 years.

It took me 6 years to realize it.

In itself, it's such a short period. Yet my life seemed to blur a little at the edges.

What have I been trying to do all this time ? It was a waste of time. Kuroo was making fun of me from the start, he didn't know anything. He didn't know anything because it was suicide. From the beginning it was suicide, harsh, pure and simple.

A fit of tears threatened me but I did not want to go home. Not yet, not now. I quickly took a direction, my legs feeling heavy and my eyes blurry.

I was surely hysterical in everyone's eyes. We don't cry in public, it's not something you can do, it's not socially acceptable. Even after I discovered that I had focused all my efforts on something that didn't make sense, there was no meaning to it.

That was it, just it, that's all.

You don't cry in public, it's better to do it between 4 walls where no one can hear you.

I relive the grins of the police officers so many years ago, telling myself that I was young and that it would eventually pass.

Why did I try to prove them wrong ? They are the professionals.

Before I can open the cafe door “ The Bird ”I received a ball right in the shin. A little boy comes trotting to meet me.

- Excuse me sir I... he interrupted himself when he finished my face. Did I hurt you sir ?

I was about to answer him when two things happened simultaneously.

Suga called out to me while he was behind the counter and ended up running to meet me.

My gaze met honeyed pupils that seemed too familiar, in the distance.

The black haired reacted faster than me, running as fast as he could in the opposite direction. Our chase was short-lived when he bumped into an old lady who was waiting for the red pedestrian light to turn green. I grabbed the sleeve of his jacket.

- Kenma.

He didn't even spare her a glance. His chest was heaving rapidly, his eyes belonged to a madman, they were so wide. My heart jolted when he heard him say my name, his voice cracking on the second and last syllable of it.

His expression mirrored mine, tears beading in the corners of his eyes. Why was he crying ?

-Kenma. he repeated

- Kuroo, look what you just did...

- Kenma, it’s me.

Confusion fills my features. His tears ran down the slope of his face and it had the effect on me of a sharp tear.

- But I... Huh ? What do you mean...

He took my face in his hands, warm and rough. He made me focus on him.

- The one you've been looking for for 6 years is me. I killed your mother. It's me.

The end of the world was slow, there was no “revelation” like we portray in tons of films. No “it’s him, I’m going to get revenge now”, no “I guessed it” or “I knew it”. No, because I didn't know it, I hadn't guessed it and I had no desire to take revenge. No, it was as if I had gone deaf. I didn't want to hear it because the answer just couldn't be right there. It couldn't be there even though I had been looking for it for 6 years, 2,190 days, 52,560 hours, 3,153,600 mins, 189,216,000 seconds. Just for it to have been under my roof, slept in my bed, shared my table.

No, I will not accept this answer.

He couldn't say it when I was going to accept that it was suicide.

It was too easy.

It was too difficult.

It must have been another stupid joke from Kuroo.

Except I knew full well he wasn't joking. He wouldn't allow himself.

- But anyway Kuroo, what are you talking about...

- And I like you.

And there, worthy of a film, he was pushed forward by a duo of boys who were heckling while a hand grabbed the hood of my sweatshirt to pull me back, preventing me from falling into the dark haired's fall.

Except that the traffic light for pedestrians was still scarlet, just like the mark left on the hood of the car that had not braked in time.

⚮

Chapter Text

Chapter 16 𓇚※𓇚

I almost wish we never met - Anonymous

Kenma's POV

I struggled against the hand that held me in place. 

- Kenma. Kenma ! What are you trying to do ?! 

Suga's voice made my eardrums ring, but his words drowned in the chaos that was my head. I… I…

Kuroo. 

- Kuroo. I replied. 

What was I supposed to do ? Why now ? 

Kuroo...

Kuroo was the person I had been looking for for 6 years. 

Kuroo was the person who said he loved me. 

Kuroo was the person who just …

Everything was going way too fast. Dizziness was starting to show its ugly head and…

Breath.  

I didn't understand everything but I had to do something. However, I couldn't decide whether I wanted to go see him or stay among these people who were staring at the scene with open mouths. 

I had to… I had to… 

I broke away from Suga's grip as he imitated the passers-by who surrounded us. There was complete disorder all around. Cars were honking, people were jostling to find the best view of the event, but it suddenly seemed quiet when I broke away from them. 

I didn't rush, we weren't in a movie. I had no need to make things more dramatic than they already were or they would mistake me for his partner. 

I was just an average guy. 

Well, that's what I wanted them to believe. The scene was even gorier up close, different variations of red stained and colored the asphalt. My stomach let me know that it was unhappy with this vision. I forced myself to turn away from the ground to look at the dark haired guy... 

I couldn't get any closer, rummaging in the pockets of my jacket to pull out my phone and dial emergency’s number. 

What was I supposed to do from now on ? 

I felt Suga take me in his arms, tucking one of my stray strands of hair behind my ear. There was no resistance from me when he took my phone out of my hands to speak to the assistant on line. He made small circles constantly on my back, allowing me not to completely diverge. At the end of the 9th one the silver stopped his movements. 

- Kenma, I don't know what your relationship with this boy is but everything will be fine. he whispered to me, once again putting one of my locks back in its place. 

I couldn't find anything to answer him. 

I heard sirens in the distance and I vaguely wondered how they could have arrived so quickly. 

Or maybe it was Suga talking to me. 

It was blurry. 

He shook me. My gaze landed on his lips and I thought I read there : 

- Kenma, you are in shock. 

He put his hand on my forehead as a mother would do for her child. 

- You are pale and cold… Talk to me Kenma ! 

I barely understood his frown. 

My pulse became louder and I couldn't explain to him what was happening to me. My legs became heavy and suddenly standing up seemed taxing. 

Suga shook me and I wanted to tell him to stop. 

Someone pulled me off him and my heartbeat wheezed in my ears. 

- Sir, calm down, this young man is in a state of shock. You're making the situation worse. 

The face in front of mine changed to an unfamiliar, brown shape.

- Young man, can you speak ? 

He waited for a response, I tried to move my lips but the sound was cut off from them. I found myself in a Charlie Chaplin film. No, it wasn't a movie, it was reality, Kuroo was the one who did it. 

- Would you like to sit down ? 

I knew I was cold and my fingertips and toes were numb. My body reacted in a way that was unknown to me. Wiggling my fingers was a task that had become impossible. 

I was in pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. So much pain. 

My answer was the same but he seemed to take it as a yes. 

I thought I heard him speak but it was lost in the hubbub around me. He spent several minutes talking to me, asking me questions to which I didn't have the answers. I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye, a stretcher that had just been lifted. I tried to get up but the emergency doctor forbade me. 

I turned my head sharply to follow the victim with my eyes, making me dizzy. 

- I… I'm going to go with him Kenma, Daichi is here. 

But I interpreted his words like a drop of water in a leaky vase. Suga appeared in my field of vision to move away from me.

Warm hands came to grip each of my shoulders, drawing my attention away from the white and red ambulance. I met Daichi's warm eyes which I couldn't return. Slight wrinkles adorned his young forehead. He replaced the emergency doctor, continuing to ask me the same questions as the latter. 

- Kenma, alright ? 

- Kenm a, talk to me okay ? 

- Kenma, can you hear me ? 

- Kenma.

- Kenma, everything will be okay. I assure you.

I just kept looking at him with this stupid look plastered on my face. The brunette asked me if I was able to get up, insisting that walking would do me good. That's what I did. He slipped one of his arms under mine. 

Why was he doing this ? I was fine. 

I realized my mistake when the blood suddenly returned to my veins and I felt pain, pain and pain again. 

A deafening noise rang out and I felt dizzy as I followed the white van with my eyes. 

Daichi took us away from the audience that was gathered there. After a long time, walking no longer hurt as much. Daichi made conversation from time to time, most likely hoping for a response from me. 

The policeman then took me to his house, offering to sit on his sofa while he prepared me a hot chocolate. It took me a volleyball match or two to have a clearer train of thought. 

- Daichi.

- Yes Kenma ?

The television he had turned on goes silent. He turned to me, giving me his full attention.

- Can I stay here ? 

- Of course. 

His hand came to rest on my scalp to ruffle my hair and it was the last straw because it was something my mother also did. 

My mother, dead and murdered. 

I burst into tears and Daichi instantly hugged me. I was happy not to be alone that evening even if this feeling was drowned in the torrent of emotions that overwhelmed me.

~°~

I woke up surrounded by two arms that were not unknown to me. Suga stroked my hair, brushing against my skin before restarting his descent over my scalp again. He didn't say anything when the rhythm of my breathing changed. I broke the moment by sitting down on the bed. 

- Hello, little bird. he greeted me

- Suga. I know who did it.  

The silver guy avoided my gaze before admitting : 

- I know. 

His eyes returned to my face a few seconds later. 

- Do you want to talk about it ? 

- No. 

Suga nodded and got up to draw the window curtains. 

- Are you hungry ? 

He gets no response and was about to leave when :  

- I don't understand. 

Suga made it clear he was waiting for a follow-up to my words. 

- Why did he get out of prison ? He was supposed to come out after fourteen more years…

At first he didn't answer me, his eyelids closed giving the impression that he was deep in thought. The hand holding the door’s handle tightened. 

- Why are you not reacting, Suga? It's him ! He’s the one we were looking for ! It’s because of him that I’m…

- Kenma. he interrupted me. 

I fell silent, anger starting to boil in my veins. 

- Come down when you want to eat. 

- But Suga ! Why do you…

He had already closed the door behind him.

~°~

I decided to go down around 2 p.m. Daichi was sitting on the couch watching a volleyball match. The brunette turned his head when I sat down next to him but didn't add anything else. 

I was grateful to him. I didn’t need comments to tell me that I had red and dry eyes, a blistered face, matted hair, sticky skin, a wrinkled t-shirt, a runny nose, bitten nails and dry lips.

Anyway, I knew very well what I looked like now. 

At the end of the second set, his sidelong glance became more insistent, encouraging me to speak. I acted as if nothing had happened. When I felt that he was going to speak I slipped back into my room. 

I don't really know what I expected from him or Suga, or what I wanted them to say to me. 

My thoughts remained fixed on that subject, even as my fingers danced nimbly across the keyboard. 

I lost for the fifth time.

I looked out the window. 

Blue. 

- Kenma, I'm going for a walk, are you coming ? Daichi shouted down the stairs. 

I heard him stomp around for a few moments before I heard the faint sound of a door closing.

This was my routine for a few days, Daichi present, Suga missing and the “click-click” that the keyboard made. When the silver haired was home he spent his time in the kitchen making extravagant dishes just to try to get me to eat. Out of pity I picked at his dishes even though I wasn't hungry. 

My priority was not to think about him . The man who had changed my life for surely selfish reasons. But despite my efforts, the more time passed, the more I asked myself questions. What could have been the reasons that could push him to murder ? There has to be something.  

The worried looks the couple were giving each other when I had my back turned made me uneasy. When I told them about my plan to go home one evening, their answers were instantly no. I was more than capable of not listening to them but they were in a better position than me to say what was best for me. 

After a short week of living like this I join Suga in the kitchen to help him. I was embarrassed to see Daichi's beaming face when I sat down at the table. His companion hid his joy much better, although his trembling hands when he served me my plate might suggest otherwise.

However, it took three more days before I said “yes” to Daichi when he suggested we go for a walk outside and two more days for the brunette to tell his fiancé that he would go back to work the next day. 

Suga was at home more often, I took part in his activities which, this afternoon, focused on pottery. He wanted to make original cups for “ The Bird ”. When he was in the middle of drawing clouds on one of them I interrupted him : 

- Where have you been these last few days ?

The movements of the brush he was holding became slower. 

- At the hospital. he admitted to me

He continued to paint his clouds. 

- To do what ? 

- To keep him company. 

I stopped my own sunflower painting, placing my creation rather roughly on the table. 

- Why ? I mean, Suga, you know that… 

- Kenma, you don’t understand…

I bit my lip so anger wouldn't completely take control of my words. 

- You don't need to go there anymore ? He must feel so alone... 

I couldn't help it. I was angry with I don't know who. 

- No, he doesn't need me to go there anymore.

He seemed annoyed to have to continue his train of thought. However, he remained silent and I thought the subject was closed until he added : 

- They put him in an induced coma for a better recovery.  

Despite myself, a thread broke inside me. My face fell and the brush that I had held tightly in my hand tumbled onto the table, rolling and falling to the floor. 

The emotional torrent I had been keeping at bay slammed into me again. I clenched my fists and raised my head high when I asked the reason for this decision. Suga had his head turned towards the kitchen window, giving me a few sidelong glances to make sure I wasn't going to do anything. 

- He was delirious and kept repeating the same things, it only delayed his recovery. he explained

I entered a new form of self-loathing when I demanded to know the words that had caused the doctors to take such measures.  

Suga sighed and didn't answer right away. 

- I don't think it's a good idea to tell you. 

This made me frown, not understanding what he was saying. When I asked him why he just told me I didn't need to know. 

- Why do you want to know anyway ? You hate him right ? 

Suga was angry.

- Yes. I hate him. 

The silver haired looked at me and shrugged his shoulders before continuing his activity. Several minutes passed. I watched him, expecting him to break under the pressure, but it was me again who broke the silence. 

- Suga, I want to know. 

He responded by swinging his head from side to side. 

- No. he added to make sure I understood correctly. 

- Why ? 

- You're not ready. 

I sighed, asked him when I would be ready enough for him. He shrugged his shoulders again. What could Suga possibly know ? Why did it annoy me so much ?   

Despite my efforts not to think about it, the scene that had happened more than a week ago reappeared before me. It looped, showing me again an unconscious boy with one side of his face a completely different color than its original beige. 

No, that was still the case. I hate him. He repulsed me.

When he saw the look on my face, he said the topic was closed and when Suga said that then that was how it was.

He wanted me to accompany him to visit the black haired. My response remained the same and the silver disappeared for several hours. The reason that pushed him to go to the hospital escaped me. Suga was supposed to hate him as much as I did. 

But hey, really, he could have the worst misfortunes in the world that I couldn’t care less.  It was no longer my problem. 

You were just Kuroo Tetsurou. 

~°~

That day, although I was not particularly in the condition to do so, Suga asked me to go and harvest the cherries that the cherry tree had made for them in their little garden. When I asked him “why” he only replied that it was to “change my mind”. 

As if I needed that. 

My reluctance was further doubled when I realized I was going to need a ladder. I saw Suga looking at me through the window with a devilish smile hanging on his lips. I rolled my eyes before getting to work. 

While I had filled the first salad bowl with fruit, I made a sign to the person who was observing me to come and collect the contents. I had no desire to go down the steps and go up them again. 

When I handed him the salad bowl I felt slightly unbalanced. The next thing I knew, my knee hurt like hell and Suga was looking at me with eyes as big as flying saucers. 

By a force half unknown to me he picked me up and walked quickly towards the car. He spoke very quickly, starting to make mountains of it. I tried repeatedly to make him understand that this injury was not worth a trip to the emergency room, but it was like talking to a deaf man. 

- I don't care how bad your injury is, we're going to the emergency room. 

It wasn't the first time that the silver haired had reacted like this. Whenever Daichi or I had an injury Suga was as panicked as a student who had just been told that there was a test for the next class. 

Panic on board. 

Panic on board. 

Mayday. 

Mayday.

I was almost convinced that it was due to a traumatic event in his life. Despite my questions I never got an answer, including Daichi who just looked away. 

Anyway, if taking me to the emergency room could reassure him and ensure good understanding between us all, I wasn't going to stop him. 

The ride was short as Suga accelerated and honked unnecessarily. After the fourth time asking him to slow down, I finally gave up and focused my attention on the landscape passing at full speed outside my window. It transformed into something familiar, all the faces that greeted us greeted us by our respective first names. 

It was with a smile that the nurse told us that there was nothing broken, that the hematoma present should shrink in a little less than 2 weeks and that everything would be healed in a month with a cream. 

The silver one seemed to breathe again when we left this dreary room. 

- Do you mind if we take a little detour ? 

I knew he was going to do this, which is why I retorted : 

- I'll wait for you in the car, take all the time you need.

He hid his displeasure very poorly but I acted as if I hadn’t seen anything. Nothing could change my opinion about who he was going to see. It was always the same person with the same actions to his credit. 

For all I knew, he could die. 

I ignored the sound of my heart skipping. That thing in my chest felt completely insignificant and had already done to much illogical things. 

→ From: Suga 

Come to room 304. 

I did not respond to his message. He wouldn't get me in his game. 

→ From: Suga

I know you read my text. Come please. 

←  To : Suga

No. If you need help, ask a nurse. 

He doesn't react. I didn't hear from him for over 30 minutes. I received a text telling me he was done. Except ten minutes later he still wasn't there. I huffed. 

He really was going to force me to do it. 

He really was going to force me out of this car, take the elevator and walk to room 304. 

And all this just to worry me. 

I huffed and groaned the whole way. I had a moment of solitude when the reception secretary asked me who I had come to visit. 

- I… I’m coming to visit K… K… Room 304. I sighed. 

The secretary blinked, a big smile plastered on her sweet pink lips. 

- Sorry young man but I need a name. 

She motioned for me to start again. 

- Kuroo Tetsuro. I say in one go. 

The lady nodded and happily typed these few words on her computer keyboard.

- Is he a friend of yours ? He still remains handsome despite this blow to the head ! 

- No. 

The secretary suddenly stopped what she was doing, giving me a look of incomprehension. The blood quickly rose to my cheeks, I avoided any visual interaction with her. 

- I mean… Acquaintance. 

Pff, an acquaintance. 

It was because of him that I am the way I am now. 

It was because of him that my mother died. 

It was because of him that I knew that my father was in fact not my father. 

It was because of him that I found myself homeless. 

It was because of him that I had trouble sleeping. 

It was because of him that my life no longer has any meaning. 

It was because of him that I felt ridiculous, more than ridiculous. 

He was much more than an acquaintance. 

The secretary ended up telling me that I could go now, but not without taking one last look at me. I hid behind the blonde-brown curtain of my hair, I didn't want to see her anymore. 

On the way, several patients walking in the halls greeted me, getting their only exercise of the day before returning to their beds. Some accompanied by a walker, others with simple crutches, however it was those who clung to the wall without help to continue walking who caused me the most pain. They probably wanted to prove that they didn't need it to continue. 

I was thinking too much. 

I couldn't wait to leave this place, I had nothing to do here. 

Soon I arrived too early in front of the yellow double doors of room 304. 

The plan was simple: I go in, I see if Suga is there, I leave. 

I went in and forgot the plan. 

I was greeted with an influx of odors that were only found in hospitals; household products whose purpose was surely to hide the one of betadine. I tried to ignore it, not wanting to follow up on this thought. It was a wasted effort, betadine meant disinfection and disinfection, surgery. The horrible yellow color of the doors was reflected on the walls. They breathed and repeated the “beep-beep” of the cardioscope, proving the presence of the patient in this room. 

The patient was lying on a single white bed, light blankets had been spread over him. Its window overlooked other hospital buildings. The " bip-bip ” was constant, which unconsciously reassured me. I didn’t look to see his face, I wasn't interested. 

Suga was waiting for me at his bedside, watching my reaction like a predator would do with its prey. 

- Do you need more time ? I asked

The silver haired sighed and went to answer me when he was interrupted by an irregular “ bip-bip ”. We both quickly turned our heads towards the noise. 

I tried not to understand the origin of this change of pace from his heart. 

Suga didn't let me have this pleasure. The latter smiles before bursting into gentle laughter. 

- Well, well, well old guy. 

I remained silent. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to leave. I had to leave. The oldest seemed to understand my intentions. His head moved from side to side and he silently said, “Don’t go.” 

But I had to leave. 

I backed away. Suga's head movements became more violent. 

"Please". 

I imitated these same movements. 

“It’s important”

"For him"

- Kuroo. 

The latter replied to me with an irregular “ bip-bip ”. 

- I hate you. I say clearly, loudly. 

The response from the cardioscope remained the same. 

Chapter Text

Hi !

Chapter 17 𓇚※𓇚

I don’t hate you, I hate what you did to me - anonymous

Kenma’s POV

I left the room despite Suga's calls. I got as quickly as possible into the car waiting for me in the parking lot. 

I was calm, very calm, too calm. 

I no longer cared about what happened to him. It no longer concerned me. 

I should no longer have to care what was going to happen to him. 

Suga reappeared about twenty minutes after this little episode. No words were exchanged between us, I tried not to think about it too much. If Kuroo had been with us, I could bet on a serious amount of money he would have said something like: "Kenma dear, did you know that stress causes the secretion of a hormone called cortisol ? It's your body's response to a stressor, so that you can either run away or fight. Now, you don't need to run away, or fight, or struggle, as long as I'm here * wink * More seriously, cortisol has horrible harmful effects on health in the long term so stop stressing otherwise you will die young ! ”

Anyway, something like that. 

However, I could imagine the scene, right down to his crooked smile and the sparkle in his eyes as he explained this to me. It was painful to think about. But I stuck my head in the sand, turning away from it. I didn't want to know anything. It was Kuroo's fault, that's all. 

And suddenly it was too much. 

“I won’t go back there.” I whispered

Suga didn't react, maybe he hadn't heard me. 

“ I will never go back.” I said louder 

There was a brief moment of silence before the silver haired nodded. He must have thought my decision was made on a whim. But I had never been so honest. I had carefully thought it over and decided. Kuroo no longer had a place in my life.

He seemed to understand it because an "okay" passed his pursed lips. 

“ I don't want to know why you're on his side.”

“There is no side to take.” he explained, exasperated 

I wanted to ask him why but I couldn't. Otherwise it would mean that I was showing interest in the situation. 

The rest of the ride was traced in silence to Daichi's patrol car that was parked in the driveway. Suga quickly got out of the vehicle. Only then did I understand that it wasn’t in family planning for his fiancé to come home so early. The gray haired rushed to the front door shouting his name, I followed him, 3 steps behind. The person who was called was in the kitchen. His left eyebrow was attacked by flour. It was raised when he saw us run into the room. The brunette was buried by a hug from his fiancé, not understanding the reason for his cries. 

“I just wanted to surprise you by coming home early since you're... amorphous at the moment.” he added, looking down, embarrassed. 

Suga burrowed deeper into the strong arms then sighed. 

“Sorry” 

I wanted to move away from this scene. I didn’t belong in it. I was a stranger violating this room. Despite my efforts to slip away, Daichi raised his head and opened one of his arms. I couldn't refuse the invitation, it was rude. After a few seconds I realized that maybe I needed it and finally relaxed. It ended when Suga placed a kiss on his future husband's lips and turned his head to place one on my forehead. 

“Okay, what are you doing in my kitchen ?” 

“ Our kitchen. A cake.”

The silver haired stepped aside to judge the brunette's appearance. 

“Daichi, you barely know the difference between cake yeast and vanilla sugar.”

His fiancé scratched his neck. This caused Suga to snicker. 

“True, I don’t.”

They locked themselves in their bubble little by little, unconscious of the world around them. I went up to my room and made no further movements. I waited for the avalanche of emotions to fall on me but nothing came. I was left with slow thoughts. I then decided that this day had to end there.

2 weeks later.

When the veil of sleep that had buried me lifted, it said 04:00 p.m on my phone. I tried to close my eyes and let the darkness of the room carry me away, but it was impossible. After 2 hours of Animal Crossix, my brain hurt so much that I went downstairs for a glass of water. The kitchen curtains had not been drawn, leaving a hint of sunlight peeking into the room.

I stood in front of it for a moment, no thoughts present. When the water in my glass warmed to room temperature I heard someone enter the room. The person came closer to me. When they stood by my side to look at the landscape with me I understood it was Suga. A few moments passed like this, side by side, until I said to him :

“I want to go back to the hospital.”

The breathing of the person next to me changed for several seconds before he answered :

“We're going to eat our breakfast first.”

“Let’s just go and eat there.”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw him shake his head.

“No, Kenma. It's an impulsive decision.”

I turned around and placed the glass on the kitchen island. I ignored the worried look of the silver haired who followed me until my bedroom door was closed. I put on the first clothes that were part of the pile that was lying around in my room before going into the bathroom. The image the mirror reflected to me was pale. It had slightly sunken cheeks, bruised under-eyes, hair that had grown haphazardly on its chin, tangled hair... I had the impression that it was even worse than my everyday appearance.

However, where I was going wasn't important enough for me to change anything. When I entered the kitchen again, Suga, who was swirling his spoon in his bowl, stopped all movement abruptly.

“Kenma, I already told you we are not going.”

“I'll go alone.”

Daichi entered the room.

“It is punishable by law to drive a car without having a license, young man.” said the latter

“I will take the bus.”

Suga sighed.

“It’s Sunday, Kenma…”

“I will walk there.”

“With your knee…”

I saw the meaningful look that the silver haired gave his fiancé. My heartbeat became faster. I had to get out of here. I didn't turn around, even when I heard Suga shout my name. But hey, I have to tell the truth, he was also a stubborn person, which is why I wasn't surprised that 10 minutes later we were both on the way to the hospital in his car. Not without making sure I understood how much of a bad decision it was. 

“And what are you going to tell him once you’re there ?”

I didn't answer.

“He is still in a coma… It won't even be a conversation. He can't answer you.”

We walked along the park which was next to “ The Bird ». Suga's fingers absentmindedly tapped the steering wheel. He glanced at me from time to time, still undecided on what to do next. I acted as if I saw nothing, as if I knew nothing. When the barrier to the hospital parking lot went up, I unfasten my car seat belt. Suga comes running to catch up with me.

“I really think it’s a bad idea Kenma… His health is fragile…”

His sentence almost made me laugh.

Suga had us registered by the secretary, he still had this worried look on his face. Once we arrived in front of room 304 and my hand was on the doorknob, Suga snatched me away and forced me to turn towards him.

“Kenma, I don't know what's on your mind but you're going to regret it.”

I looked at the closed door in front of us. I moved away from the silver haired to open it. I knew what I was doing.

That was why I was now sitting in this room looking out the window; a rhythmic noise in the background. Suga was leaning against the wall and doing the same thing as me, while turning a spoon in a cardboard coffee cup.

Five minutes passed like this until I rushed out, Suga hot on my tail. I opened the car door once again in the parking lot.

“What's the point of coming here if you didn't do anything ?”

I shrugged my shoulders.

“Could we go to my apartment now ?”

The silver haired tried to reason with me again by asking me to stay a few more days with them. However, my decision was made, I had a page to turn from now on. The answer to my question had finally appeared and it didn't care that I didn't like it. I wasted 6 years of my life looking for it for nothing. I could never have guessed it, nor found it. How could I have known that the one I was looking for all this time was none other than Kuroo Testuro ? I didn't know him. I never knew him actually. 

The question “why ?”  quickly stabbed my frontal lobe before disappearing with just as much speed. That didn't interest me, there were only consequences as rewards for this affair. This is what I repeated to myself over and over until I sat down on the sofa in my living room, an action which was unusual for me. The usual thing for me in this type of situation would have been a nap the moment I walked through the front door. Except I had never experienced a situation like this and therefore, I didn't really know what to do. I had always found it strange, even disturbing, when the actor in a film began to stare into space and began to diverge among his thoughts.. However, if someone had come into my apartment at that precise moment they would surely have compared me to such a character. I tended to forget that films were most of the time inspired by real events.

I hadn't paid attention to it in recent days but gradually the World was losing its meaning or at least the meaning I had given it. My routine felt like it belonged to a stranger. The same thing was true for this apartment, my bed, my kitchen, this sofa…

I had always been right. It had always been murder.

I was going to rummage through the drawers of the desk in my room to pull out the object responsible for the life I had now. I looked at it for a long time as if I was seeing it from a different angle. From now on I knew the hands that had held it. I barely dared to believe it... Yet I knew it was him, it could only be him. 

All of a sudden, the scene began to appear before me; however, the colors it painted in my mind were too dark for me to understand anything. I was torn between the desire to know and the desire to remain ignorant.  

Suddenly, a torrent of elements shrouded me. I collapsed on my bed. The cold metal fell into my lap. My head was held between my two hands. Tears ran down the slope of my face because I finally had the question to answer.

Who was it ?

Kuroo.

Kuroo Tetsuro.

The guy I shared my apartment with for several months.

The guy who took my picture as soon as he had a camera in his hands.

The guy who let himself be pressed against my front door.

The guy who didn't question the marks running down my arms.

The guy who took offense to my indifferent reactions to his so-called “charm.”

The guy who bought a flip phone with his first paycheck.

The guy who came back every evening knocking on my door so that I would open it for him.

The guy who detangle my hair every morning when I ate breakfast.

The guy who looked at me with his mischievous smile before he spoke.

The guy who hung my wet laundry on a drying rack.

The guy who had a more original laugh than his jokes which only made him laugh.

The guy who had the mocking corners of his lips ready to joke.

The guy who took me to the skating rink.

The guy who slipped awkwardly on the ice.

The guy who pretended to be my boyfriend to get restaurant discounts.

The guy who proudly showed me the pasta he had cooked in a pan.

The guy who followed me to my apartment when he only had a blanket of his own.

The guy who waited on my couch for me to turn around so that our eyes meet again for the very first time in 6 years.

The guy who first spoke to me under a crying willow.

The guy who didn't like me even if he was gay.

The guy who held the weight of a life in his eyes.

The guy who had been surrounded by red that night.

The guy who had collapsed on the asphalt of the road.

The guy who went to prison for murder.

The guy who killed my mother.

The guy I love.

3 weeks later

There was a knock on my door. I knew who it was. There was only one person coming here from now on anyway. The visitor attacked my doorbell and therefore forced me to get up from my cocoon, aka my grave.

“Come on Kenma ! It can't go on like this…” he shouted

My blanket, which covered me, made me feel like a caterpillar as I moved. I tripped over it a few times when crossing through my apartment. Once posted in front of my door all motivation to open it vanished. The one behind it must have felt it because he banged the door with his fists, swearing to me that the hinges would soon go missing if I didn’t open the door in the next three seconds.  

I lowered the handle. He entered the room. I sighed. The silver haired scanned the living room before his gaze landed on me. I tightened my grip on my blanket. He sighed in return and this simple intonation made me realize the pitiful appearance I presented to him.  

I collapsed onto my bed again. A few seconds later, the mattress next to me folded and a hand rested on my head. He made small circular movements, pulling my tangled hair. 

“Suga… You’re hurting me”

“Sorry, I thought it was your back. Don't you want to get out of there ?”

There was silence.

“ Kenma, answer me.”

“ No, I'm good.”

The oldest sighed before lying down next to me. When I turned my head I saw that he was staring at the ceiling. We stayed like that for a while, without speaking, without looking at each other, without thinking. His eyes met mine and I understood that they were speaking to me. I didn't want to understand them. I didn't want to understand anything. I wanted everything to continue to make no sense. It was better before. The feeling of tearing apart was more pleasant, more laughable. The famous butterflies created a sensation of repeated kicks in my stomach. I buried my head deeper in my blanket.

“Suga.”

“ Hm ?”

I heard the sound of the bed’s sheet rustling. He must have turned on his side to scrutinize me.

“What did Kuroo tell you before they…”

“Kenma, if you want to talk to me you're going to have to get that head out of there. I want to see you.”

I pretended I hadn't heard him.

“I want to know.”

Suga did not grant my wish. I ended up granting his request. The silver haired smiled at me. 

“I want to know.”

He pretended to think, his gaze straying from mine.

“I don't know if it's a good idea. You are still very affected by all this.”

“Leave it to me to decide for myself. Stop trying to protect me. I am not 4.”

The silver haired sat down and looked at his hands resting on his thighs for a long time.

 “It’s more than I deserve.” Suga whispered softly

“What ?”

“He was completely delirious. You have to believe me Kenma ! Half of what he said made no sense, he was babbling. The paramedics had to force him to sleep to calm him down and-”

He turned his head as if seeking comfort but I couldn't give him anything in my current state. 

“He kept telling us that an imaginary woman was staring at him from the corner of his room. It was from that moment that they decided to put him in a coma…”

I tried not to react to what he had just said.

“They will stop the sedatives tomorrow. You should come with me so that when he wakes up-”

“Do you realize what you're asking me, Suga ? He murdered my mother !”

“Kenma, you don’t know anything about what happened !” he cutted off 

I huffed. It was simply incomprehensible that he would take the side of the other . Suga had been the one who picked me up on the side of an alley. When I was dirty and without a future. If there was anyone who should have been on my side it was him.

“I have everything I need to know. I won't go.” I decided

I turned around so I wouldn't have to see him. Suga remained still for several minutes without saying anything. I didn't know what he was waiting for before leaving. I wanted him to leave.

He stood up and removed the invisible dust from his pants.

“Will you come with me for a walk outside ?”

“ No.” I answered without hesitation

“What exactly are you waiting for, Kenma ? How long will you continue to be like this ?”

I was surprised by the anger that animated him. However, I acted as if nothing had happened.

“Leave me alone, Suga.”  

And that's what he did, slamming the door behind him.

1 week later

No one came to visit me anymore. The only dynamic thing that was in my house was the electrical current used to keep the lights on. The floor of my room was littered with dirty clothes. My windows hadn't been opened for a very long time, I couldn't really notice the smells hanging around since I was here all the time. My days were like anything. They had no beginning or end. I couldn't even say what I had eaten the day before because my memory was so vague. I wasn't hungry. Fortunately, because there were only canned goods left in my cupboards, the rest had rotted in my fridge. I slept too much. I slept so much that I couldn't fall asleep afterwards. The pixels on my Nintendo gave me a constant headache and I lacked too much concentration to really pay attention to what was happening on the screen. Everything irritated me but I didn't do anything about the things that irritated me. I didn't want anything, maybe it was better because there was nothing to do. 

I wonder when Suga will come to visit me next. Even Daichi, I would be happy to see him… They must surely be too busy to come. Then it was probably better that they didn't come. I didn't have anything entertaining to offer. Everything was dead or electronic or dead and electronic here. 

It’s taking time for Kuroo to come and apologize again for what he had done. When you love someone, that’s what you do, right ? You always come back eventually and find a solution together, right ? For love you come back, right ?

A few days later

→ To: Kuroo Tetsuro

Kuroo.

Unattributed message, sent as a text message ?

→ To: Kuroo Tetsuro

Kuroo.

Unattributed message, sent as a text message ?

→ To: Kuroo Tetsuro

Kuro.

Unattributed message, sent as a text message?

→ To: Kuroo Tetsuro

Kuro.

Message sent as a text message.

Number not assigned.

→ To: Kuroo Tetsuro

Kuro ?

Message sent as a text message.

Number not assigned.

What was happening ? Why would he change his number ? He had no reason to do it.

Suga must have known what was going on. Suga always knew what was going on. He had to know. I held the phone to my ear with a trembling hand. The silver haired didn't answer. I called back. He picked up at my fourth call.

“Woah ! Kenma calling instead of texting, impressive !”

He had a cheerful voice. His day was going  well I suppose . What time was it ?

“Kenma ?”

“Suga, why isn't Kuroo answering the phone ?”

The other end of the line fell silent.

“I don't understand what's going on, Suga. Why isn't he responding ?”

“He must have changed his number.”

“Why ?”

“I don't know.” he said slowly

A wave crashed into my head, quickly growing to the size of a tsunami.

“He is no longer in the hospital, right ? Where is he ?”

“And why don't you come visit us at the café ? Daichi is there too. We'll be happy to see you.”

I felt my eyebrows furrow.

“Why don't you answer my questions ?”

“I will only answer them if you come.”

He hung up. I slowly took the phone away from my ear. On the home screen it was written roughly 3:23 p.m., just like July 11, 2022. Otherwise, the screen was stripped of any other message apart from the 5 “unattributed messages”.

What was I waiting for ?

I had the answer as I had often wished to know. Just because I didn't like it didn't mean it didn't exist.

I sat up in bed, rubbing my eyes as if this simple action would make them clearer. I pushed aside the bed’s sheets that had suffocated me in my sleep. When the mirror reflected my image back to me I finally took into account the magnitude of the situation. My eyes were even more boring than before.The dark circles around them had dug holes in my skin. My lips were red because they were so dry. Some of the strands of my hair were stuck to my face. I vaguely remembered gathering my hair into a ponytail, now it was just a mess of knots.

I didn't like this version of me. I didn't look like that. It wasn't me.

My shower was short. I untangled what I could from this tuft on my head. My thoughts were a little clearer when I put on my shoes. I checked for the umpteenth time that my sweatshirt’s hood covered my entire head before opening my front door.

~°~

“ A ghost !” Daichi exclaimed, hugging me when he saw me.

I didn't even smile at his reaction. I had always been there, I had never left.

“I'm glad to see you, shrimp.”

He moved away from me to ruffle my hair over my hood. I grimaced when I heard the nickname. The brunette man asked me what I wanted to eat. My silence seemed to inspire him because he went behind the counter. He motioned for me to sit on a table.

“Where is Suga ?” I asked as Daichi placed a slice of apple pie in front of me.

“Gone for an errand. Come on, eat.” 

I did what he told me. The silver haired eventually appeared. Our eyes met before he even opened the front door of the café. An emotion crossed his eyes. He was holding a shoebox in his hands. He nodded towards his fiancé and the latter left my table. He avoided any visual interaction as he took his seat across from me. Suga cleared his throat before announcing :

“You don’t look so good, Kenma.”

I used the spoon to play with the apple pie on my plate.

“How are you ?” he continued

I shrugged my shoulders.

“Where is he ?” I asked

The oldest sighed.

“Take this.” he said, handing me the box he had in his hands.

I took it, not really understanding what it had to do with our conversation. It was quite light for a shoe box. I turned it over to see that it was a size 14.

“They're too big.”

“I know.”

My gaze became more insistent. 

“These aren’t shoes.” he finally admitted 

I pretended to open the box but his hand stopped me. He shook his head from side to side.

“Not here.”

“What's going on, Suga ?”

He remained mute.

“Where is he ?”

My question had the same fate as my previous one. My tone became more authoritative.

“Suga, where is…”

“We don't know where he is. He has been missing for over a week.”

⚮

Chapter Text

Chapter 18 𓇚※𓇚

Even in a crowded room, I’d only look for you - Anonymous

Kenma's POV

- Kenma, come back ! shouted the silver haired

Several people turned to look at him. I did the opposite of what they did. The box was harshly guarded by my hands. My legs were running nowhere at full speed. I had never been so fast in my entire life. A renewed energy comes to me, dragging me as far away as possible from the man who was screaming my name.

Kuroo was missing. He couldn't disappear, not yet, not now. It was too easy. I went to the police station. When I explained my request to them, they nodded absently.

“Dozens of people disappear every day, kid. Your friend will eventually reappear.”

He will never appear again if I don't look for him, I was sure of it.

There must have been a certain glint of despair in my eyes because the policeman promised to print posters with the description of the missing person. I was sheepish when he asked me for a photo to add. I didn't have one to offer. It wasn’t like I needed one before.  

When I came back to the apartment, my feet were heavy and my mind was elsewhere. The shoebox was installed on my table and remained in the same place for several days like this. At some point, when hunger digged its way into my stomach, I ate facing it. It would have been favorable for me to forget its existence, however it was a bit complicated when it was right there, in front of my eyes. It came from Suga, it couldn't be that bad. Maybe it was filled with...

Camera. 

I frowned. An old camera lay in the middle of a rough-to-the-touch fabric.The power button didn't seem to work anymore. After pressing it several times, I realized it simply had no more battery. Despite myself and my attempts at insensitivity, I bit my nails while waiting for it to charge.

As I opened the camera’s cover for the umpteenth time, the screen lit up and was overwhelmed by several colorful breakouts. I clicked on one of the many rows lined up there.

« Hey, it’s March 18th, 2022. Today Kenma… »

I cut the video. What was I holding ?

The image was simple enough to understand. In the middle of it was a missing person in my guest room. From the angle of the video I guessed that he had placed the camera on his bedside table. An orange light colored part of his beautiful face, finer than I remembered. His hair had recently been cut short, making him unrecognizable. One of his hands was lost in his hair. An embarrassed smile bloomed on his lips. He was sitting cross-legged on the bed and his head was resting on the wall.

What was he doing ?

Curiosity won out and a trembling finger placed itself on the screen again. The figure inside revived :                                    

«…was kind enough to grace me with his presence. It was the first time we had eaten together in weeks ! He was… »

The figure froze. My heart sank. Two bars appear on the screen to mime a pause. I left the video. I clicked on a box higher. The pretty pink tint that his cheeks had on was visible despite the semi-darkness created by his bedside lamp.

« Hi, it's February 12th of 2022 and we met Akaashi and Bokuto. This guy is sick ! We had a snowball fight... »

I paused. What did Suga give me ?

→ To: Suga

How ?

← From: Suga

He asked me to give it to you.

→ To: Suga

Do you know where he is ?

← From :Suga

No and I don't want to know.

I stood up and pushed open a door. The dust behind it could be smelled. The curtains hadn't been drawn since the last night it was occupied. I sat down on the bed in the guest room.

«Hey, it’s May 22,th of 2022 and Bokuto and I did… »

«Hello, it’s May 14th of 2022 and it’s too hot to put on a coat outside… »

«Oya, it’s May 3th of 2022 and I learned how to… »

«Good evening, it's April 16th of 2022 and Yamaguchi almost told the boss that he was in love with him. But… »

«You won't believe what happened on the 1st of April 2022 ! With Bokuto we played a joke on Akaa… »

«Hi, it's March 6th of 2022 and the big guy at the volleyball club tried to… »

I clicked on the first orange video.

«It is February 8th of 2022 » he commented in an emotionless voice. He had a vague look and seemed to be talking to himself.

« It’s been exactly a week since I left… there. Mr. Neiri came to get me to give me clean clothes. He took me to his house but I ended up leaving because it made me feel guilty living with him. He pitied me, it was worse than anything. 

I came home and when mom opened the door she cried when she saw me. Her reaction surprised me because no one came to visit me. Even though we were never close, it would have been nice to see my sister from time to time. She must be a senior now. I don't know. I didn't have time to see her. Dad arrived to take Mom in his arms before looking me straight in the eyes and shaking his head from side to side. He told me I was no longer welcome here and then closed the door. »

The dark haired man stopped talking. He turned his hands over and looked at his palms.

« I don't know how long I stood in front of that door. I knocked, tried to open it but they had locked it. At one point, my father came out to give me a shoebox and a blanket. Afterwards he chased me away, telling me that I had killed his son. I had 6 years to prepare for this speech, but it still… hurt. »

There weren't enough pixels for me to be sure, but I could make out his lower lip was trembling. He intertwined his hands. When he resumed his voice was more shaky than before. 

Despite my anger, I felt a pang in my heart.

« In his damn shoe box there was my ID card and photos of me. There were all kinds of them, from photos of me as a baby to annual individual photos we took at school. I understood that they were denying my existence, they were acting as if I had never existed in their lives. I mean when I discovered the family camera I could only be sure. There were all our memories together. They just got rid of it. Everything that had been left of me in this house was now in my hands. »

He put the latter in his pockets, as if the sight of them had become unbearable.

« Still, I stood in front of the door when I realized this. Maybe they would change their minds. The next morning I was woken up by my father, who had left the house to go to work and was calling the police. He describes to them a stranger who had slept on his doorsteps and did not want to leave. I had left before he even hung up. I went to the other end of Tokyo to make sure you don’t have to run into them again. I experienced the same fate wherever I went. My high school friends barely knew my name. I wanted to go to Calypso but I didn't want Juliette to see me like that… »

Was he still thinking the same thing now?

« Then I thought I saw Fumetsu in the distance and I didn't really think when I saw her. She was the culprit, the reason why I had...I had...I had gone there. If she hadn't said anything, I would still have a family, a sister and friends. But  it wasn’t Fumetsu cause Fumetsu didn't walk like that... It was that boy from school. »

He sighed. He threw his head back. I was that boy in high school. That was how he remembered me.

« I don't know what came over me and to be honest I don't understand much right now. I've been living at his place with him for a few days. He's weird and... »

I cut the video and turned off the device. I didn't want to hear what he had to say anymore. The gift Suga gave me was poisonous. 

 → To: Suga

I don't want it.

← From: Suga                                                                                                                                   

I won't take it back.

~°~

It took me a little more time to leave home. I made a trip to “ The Moon » but they were closed for a few days due to summer vacation. I continued walking to my old workplace. When the boss saw me, he came and hugged me. I remained still, surprised by this sign of affection in the middle of the café. He told me to go sit down while telling me he was going to make me a hot chocolate with a looot of whipped cream.  

“I'm glad to see you, Kenma.”

A quiet "hm" escaped my lips in response. The silver haired brought the drinks on a tray before sitting down in front of me. "How are you?", "How are you keeping up?", and "What's up?" were exchanged. My mind was elsewhere; my understanding of this superficial conversation wasn't great.

“So what was inside the box ?”

“Suga.” I said back, my eyes full of reproach.

One of his eyebrows raised. He acted as if he knew nothing about the situation. This annoyed me. I was convinced he knew more than me. He should have known nothing. It was a real mystery to me how he and Kuroo got to know each other. They should have never met.

“The last video was filmed in this café’s locker room.

The silver haired avoided my gaze as he scratched the back of his neck, embarrassed. I only realized that he was actually anxious when he pursed his lips. I guessed the question that was burning in them, which is why I answered :

“No, I didn't watch it.”

“ Why ?”

It was my turn to look away.

“Kenma… are you going to avenge yourself ?”

“No.” I retorted immediately

“So why do you want to find him ?”

Instead of answering, I swirled the liquid in my cup with my spoon. I felt the scrutinizing power of the person sitting across from me, yet I didn't give in to him. Several minutes passed like this. We remained seated even after my drink was finished. Suga must have been expecting a reaction from me. A grimace lit up his face when I stood up.

“Where are you going ?” he asked

I shrugged my shoulders, it was the only answer that seemed adequate to the question.  

“I will come back to work tomorrow.” was what I only said

~°~

For several weeks, nothing changed from the routine that had slowly but surely settled in. I ended up learning each video, borrowing the voice of the dark haired, as if it were a poem. It was poisonous, but apparently easier to remember than the customers' orders at the counter. When this happened, some of them called me incompetent, others just stared at me badly. My reaction remained the same in both cases; I stared into space as if it had the answers to all my questions.

It was as if he had never been there. Yet, the imprint he left on me was permanent, leaving me with just the certainty that he had, indeed, existed. I looked for him the first few days. I went as often to the hospital where he was a patient as I did to the police station where she had been filed as a “suicide” case. The secretaries ended up ignoring me when they saw me enter the room. I was looking for him but I didn't even know what I wanted to say to him.

In one of his videos he said that he would like to start studying medicine. Then he would contradict himself the next moment and say that it was the most absurd thing he could do. He must have gone far away, perhaps he even left the country. He must have left for a country like him:  loud, sure of himself... A country like the United States. Nothing was keeping him here. Everything he owned had been put in a shoebox that he would never come for. Ever since the start, I couldn't offer him anything he really wanted. He was in a place where no one knew him or would recognize him. He turned a page while I felt like I had finished an entire book.

I was angry, a lot, and that for several months. The grudge I held against him never left me. Now that I knew the facts, I finally understood that Kuroo had also been a victim of the situation. My mother used him. She had used him to get the end of the story. It only left me with a feeling of deep and voluntary abandonment. She never sought help, she was just waiting to die.

I cried, alot, and that for several months. I cried more than I had cried. I cried everything I had never allowed myself to cry before. I cried for myself. I cried for my father. I cried for my mother and I even cried for Kuroo. All because, now, I knew why it happened like that. And loneliness left a bigger hole in me..

At least I hope Kuroo is okay, wherever he is.

When July 27th was today's date on the calendar I went to the grave. I went there earlier than I used to in the morning to make sure I didn't run into my father. He shouldn't know what happened. Never. He would have been even more devastated to know that in reality it had been a suicide and not a murder.

However, this year, instead of being accompanied by an everlasting rose, I held a simple pink rose in my hands. I was very hesitant to come but affection prevailed over anger. She remained my mother.

I was taking back control of my life. I gave it a new meaning and a new direction. I was going to go back to school to become a videogame designer and play volleyball again. I was going to meet other people to get out of my comfort zone, although the idea terrified me at the moment. I was going to adopt a cat so that I would want to go home.

Suga was worried about all these changes, although he didn't tell me about it. A simple frown was enough to understand the nature of his thoughts about me.

I no longer talked about Kuroo Tetsuro. I didn't think about Kuroo Tetsuro anymore.  I mean, I tried… and I succeeded quite well.

I had gotten the answer to my question. I was happy.

3 years later

“You've graduated, my little shrimp !”

Daichi ruffled my hair like a mother proud of her son's achievements. I blushed when I saw how many people turned around to see who was talking like that.

“You’re too loud Daichi !” I whispered through clenched teeth.

 “I'm so proud of you, little Kenma.” said his husband while taking me in his arms.

They must have bet on who could embarrass me the most because they both laughed when they saw my red face.

“Go bother someone else.” I grumbled

I was still happy that they came to my graduation. I would have had difficulty finding my place among the hundreds of parents present in the amphitheater. 

The couple decided that my graduation could only be celebrated with a drink in hand. Which was a completely idiotic concept, but I played along. I would finally be able to access the depths of the abyss of video games thanks to this diploma.

Daichi was paying when I caught Suga's eye. They were sparkling, which didn't bode well for me. He was waiting for Daichi to come back so he could clap his hands, a smile playing on his lips.

“Last stop before going home.” he announced

His proud tone gave me chills. I struggled to hide my lassitude. All I wanted to do was go home.

The next ten minutes were long. Daichi, who was driving, smiled at me when our eyes met in the rearview mirror. As for the silver haired, he had turned into a chatterbox during the journey. I only listened discreetly to his chatter, rather busy watching the changing landscape through my window. We finally ended up parking in front of a building a little remote from the city.

The couple was watching me once I got out of the car. I ignored them. I heard a dog barking.

Oh. An animal shelter.

Suga and Daichi had promised me the adoption of a cat if I had my degree. It's not like I need them to come here. However, it seemed to please them, which is why I waited.

A shy smile appeared on my lips. The latter did not leave my side even when I pushed the front door of the building. Glancing behind me, I saw the duo who had brought me here high-fiving. It made me want to roll my eyes but I could understand their enthusiasm.

A lady in her fifties showed us around the many spaces in her shelter. My nostrils passed through the smells of hay, kibble and green grass while my eyes saw rabbits, cats and dogs. My good mood began to leave me little by little as we moved forward. We were passing the last enclosures when I stopped in front of one of them. A black cat was curled up in a ball and was completely unaware of the presence of people looking at him. I pointed at him.

“What’s his name ?”

The fifty-year-old's smile faded slightly. She came over to stand beside me and take a look at the animal inside.

“That’s Hato ! She has been with us for 2 years now. She spends her days sleeping and sometimes has a bad temper with other animals.”

I got closer to the enclosure without putting my hand out to touch the feline. Her ears followed the noise without her moving.

“Do you know how old she is ?”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw the lady shake her head.

“We think she is around 6 years old... My apprentice found her in a box in front of his building.”

I nodded and stepped back to continue the visit. I didn't have a change of heart for any other animal. The woman explained to me that I would have to wait seven days before being able to bring her with me. This was a measure to ensure that the new owners were sure of their decision. As I handed her the signed papers back, she gave me a pained smile.

“We ended up becoming attached to this little rascal... Still, I'm happy that she finally found a home.”

“I will take care of her”. I promised her

The next smile she gave me was that of an old woman touched by children’s kind gestures. Like she (almost) was going to ruffle my hair.

~°~

The week that followed was fast-paced. I contacted a company that worked for Nintendo with the goal of creating video games for them. The interview that followed my call was terrifying. I hadn't stopped stuttering and causing silences. And I don’t really know how but I was admitted and asked to come to their offices the next day.

Neither Suga nor Daichi could take me to the shelter, so I took the bus to its last stop and walked until I reached my destination. I was greeted by the same barking as last time. There was no one at the reception  when I entered the building. After a few minutes of waiting I ended up pressing the bell which was on the counter for this purpose. A moment later, a tall man entered the room, a frail dog in his arms. He didn't look at me and asked me to just give him "4 seconds and 30 milliseconds" so he could answer all my questions.

I was frozen.

He turned around to give me a bright smile and his words died on his lips.

“ What can I do for you…”

The silence returned to fill the space that separated us. It had never been so loud.

He said he had always wanted to study medicine. He said that part of the money he earned would be given to his little sister so that she could pursue her prestigious studies. He said the other part would be to help people who were living on the streets. He said he would find a pretty woman who he would have two children with. He said he would get the newspapers talking about him. He had said that he would invent a life where he would be the eldest of two brothers. He said he would go to study in a foreign country. He said he would disappear from the face of the Earth.

He lied.

I knew it. I had watched every single video he shot on camera.

The words I had trained myself to repeat if I ever crossed his path again were slowly disappearing from my throat. It's like I never had the ability to speak. My throat was too tightly enlarged, my vocal cords were too swollen so that I could pronounce the slightest sound. I could only look at him and see his eyes staring into mine.

“I'm coming to pick up Hato.” I ended up saying in an even duller voice than usual.

He didn't move. The air was stagnant between us. I felt the smell of tobacco mixing with the one of hay, kibble and green grass. It had nothing to do in this place.

“A female with black hair in the back. She has the habit…” I pointed out to her

“I know who Hato is. I was the one who brought her here.”

 I swallowed. His voice was deeper than I rustily remembered.

“Oh.” I could only answer

“I'll go get her.”

I nodded and took a seat on one of the chairs at the entrance. I heard meows following his progress through the enclosures. How long had he worked here ? Enough for the refugees to beg for his presence. My mind was relatively calm, far from the chaos I had anticipated it to be if he reappeared.

Several minutes later he returned with a cage which he placed at his feet. He took out other papers and asked me to add my signature at the end of the page. The tallest one nodded once, telling me that there was nothing more to do. As I took the cage with one hand, he handed me an envelope, which was hidden in his work jacket. His arm remained in the air, I just stared at what he was holding. His arm was shaking.

“I would like you to have this.”

I didn't say anything.

“Take it, it's not a bomb.”

My answer remained the same.

“Kenma.”

My eyes suddenly jumped to his. The word he had just pronounced seemed forbidden to me. I shook my head. I didn't want anything he wanted to give me.

“I know I've done enough, but I still have this thing to do. It's in this envelope. Do with it what you want. Burn it, drown it, tear it…. Do what you want, I don't care. I would have finally fulfilled my part of the contract.”

⚮

Published : 18.05.2025

Chapter Text

Chapter 19 𓇚 ※ 𓇚

Supernatural (~ Ariana Grande)

You return like autumn, and I fall eveytime

Kenma’s POV

The only thing I could do properly at that moment was stare at the envelope I was now holding in my hands. I hadn't allowed myself to examine it until I was sitting on the bus seat. I was trying to make sense of what had just happened.

“Contract ?”

“You will understand.”

His arm was raised higher. I made sure to deflect his long fingers in order to avoid any physical contact with him.

I was in the throes of being torn apart. I wanted to stay. I wanted to leave. I should have gotten out.

“But I already know everything.”

He frowned as he took a step back. He shook his head and turned on his heel. All I left to do was walk out of the building, never turn back and never come back. 

“Sir ? This is the terminal, did you get off at the wrong stop ?” a voice interrupted me.

The bus driver looked at me in her rearview mirror. With a glance, I confirmed her words and stood up, thanking her nonetheless. During the walk home, no sound came from the cage I was holding. I lifted it to eye level and saw a head raised high to stare at the landscape.

“We're almost there, Hato.”

The cat didn't even turn an ear to the sound of her name. My gut told me I hadn't adopted the easiest of the shelter's residents.

As my shoes were left at the entrance, I opened the small grid of the transport cage in which the animal was. I waited for her to come out, but after several long minutes of waiting, I understood that it was not in her plans. I tried to coax her with treats and kibble, but her response remained the same. When I lowered my head to see what she was doing, I discovered she was long asleep.

A piece of the envelope was sticking out of my sweatshirt pocket. I couldn't continue pretending it didn't exist. I sat down cross-legged right next to the still-occupied cage and pulled it out of my clothes. With my fingertips, I brushed the ink staining the envelope. The name "Kenma" was written in scrawl-like writing. After another deep breath, I deciphered the letter's pattern. I was surprised to recognize the familiar cursive that filled the white pages. Suga's. It was Suga who had written it.

Kenma, I hope I never have to give you this letter. Even though I know your exact mailbox number, I sincerely hope it never ends up in your hands.

You must be wondering what's going on. I don't know what year it is when you read this, but for us, it's 2022. I'm currently in the hospital, and Suga volunteered to write for me (my handwriting is really bad).

Honestly, I will do everything in my power to ensure our paths never cross again. It was a mistake to stay by your side after I realized who you were.

Kenma, I killed your mother.

For selfish reasons.

Your mother, Anastasia, asked me to deliver a message to you because she was afraid you might worry. Because of the years that have passed, her speech is a little rusty in my mind, but here is what I am sure I remember.

She started by wanting you to remember the world won't stop turning when she is gone. She also said that you should stop feeling sorry for your bad grades. She’s right, you know, you go to school to learn, not to be the best.

She told me she was often mad at you because you stayed up too late at night, but deep down she was happy that you had passions in life. “Sleeping is just a metaphor to postpone everything to tomorrow". She wants you to stop setting limits to yourself and that no, the Moon isn't far enough from Earth.

She wants you to take more risks and take the wrong path from time to time. I remember hearing her use the example of birds that jump into the void without being sure they will fly for sure. She explained to me that you share a love for apple pies and that you should continue to eat them even after she is gone. Her favorite flowers are sunflowers and daisies. She knew you would be angry with her so she asked me to tell you, "Tell him he wasn't a mistake, if he was, it was the best mistake of my life, he was my little shooting star."

She said that she didn't want to be forgiven after her death but that it was essential that you know that she loves you imperfectly just the way you are. She was convinced that there is no better version of you because you are unique and better than you could only be yourself.

I'm sure she was an incredible woman. I'm truly sorry. By now you've probably watched the camera footage and you probably already know everything. I don't deserve any pity, I have my share of responsibility , however I would like you to understand that I was trapped by the situation. I had no other way out than the one your mother offered me.

I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I don't want it. I don't deserve it. Every reason you're mad at me is valid and justified. What I did will continue to haunt me every day, no matter where I go.

Now that I have conveyed the last words of my victim, that is, you, I have no reason to stay in Tokyo.

I also wanted you to know that the words I said at Calypso that night were actually lies and the words I said before the accident were the truest things I've said in years.

You're going to leave a lifelong mark on me, Kenma.

Suga is crying. I must be on the right track then.

Indeed, I had proof of the water stains that made the paper curl. The letter ended like this. No signature. No closing remarks. It wasn't until my third proofreading that tears welled up in my eyes. My hands gripped the paper so tightly that it began to wrinkle. It was another poisoned gift from Suga, just like the camera and the shoebox.

← To: Suga

Do you have his number ?

→ De: Suga

??

An incoming call appeared on my screen. A sigh escaped my lips. My finger slid across my phone to hear the call.

“Hello ? Kenma?”

“Do you have his number ?”

“ Who are you talking about ?”

A silent pause followed his question.

“Kuroo.”

A second pause followed the first. It took the silver-haired man a few moments to give me an answer. It had been three consecutive years since I'd spoken his name. He probably thought I'd moved on by now.

“ I don't have it.”

I was as chatty as an ant at his reply.

“ What for?”

“No reason.”

“ Kenma, tell me what's going on…”

My finger had already pressed the red button to end the call.

If I wanted to talk to the black haired again, I'd have to go back to the shelter. I tilted my head to see that Hato still hadn't changed position. Her black body was curled up. Her ears were the only visible feature standing out from her form.

Multiple notifications pierced my phone screen. Missed calls from Suga.

The letter, which I had placed between my crossed legs, mimicked the sound of crumpled paper, which brought my attention back to the problem in front of me. It was all well and good to want to see him, but I had no real idea of ​​what I wanted to say to him. Thank you ? I hate you ? Do you really never want to see me again ? I forgive you ? I have forgotten your existence ?

No, that wasn't true. I can never forget him. He had done too much to be forgettable.

For lack of anything better, I got up and got busy with other activities. The letter could wait.

~°~

Several days passed like this. I tried, in vain, not to think about the sheet of paper that was now stored by my bedside. Hato had only left her carrier three times. I didn't understand why she insisted on staying cramped in it.

After a week, her behavior was still the same. I finally convinced myself that she was simply unhappy here. Maybe the problem was me without even knowing it.

I decided to take her back to the shelter. Although I thought this was a logical step, a slight pang of sadness followed me all the way to the nearest bus stop. I lifted the cage to eye level, just like the very first time I got off the bus before returning home.

“I'll take you home, Hato.”

No reaction, she was asleep.

When the building that was my destination came into view I slowed down. I would have gone there backward if I could. My feet were almost dragging on the ground as they crossed the threshold of the front door. The smell of hay, kibble, and green grass hit my nostrils. It took only a few steps to arrive in front of the reception desk. I placed the cage at my feet.

I would have needed my hand to rest on the doorbell for someone to come see me. However, I was too afraid to know who would come. I can't say how long I waited like this. The cage at my feet made no sound of life. A door opening in the back room could be heard.

Was it him ?

A piece of shoe appeared before the rest of their long body followed suit.

Did I want it to be him ?

I didn't have time to answer that question because he was now walking towards me. During his walk to the counter, I noticed the details I had missed during our first interaction in three years. His jet-black hair was shorter than before and his hairstyle seemed to have changed to be even messier than usual. His chin was covered in a thin layer of black. He was… bigger, probably due to the development of his muscles. As he got closer to where I was, pinkish scars appeared on his forearms and fingers.

Once I arrived at my destination, his eyes fixed on mine.

“What can I do for you ?”

I just stared at him. I was captivated. The little effort I had mustered for my speech was simply gone. I swallowed, my throat becoming even drier as his gaze followed the movement of my Adam's apple.

Following a blink of my eye, I resumed a train of thought more suitable than what I was projecting in my mind and pointed at the cage at my feet. The dark haired poked his head under the furniture to follow my finger.

“I’m returning Hato.”

He straightened up.

“Why ?”

My hands met to twist discreetly.

“She is uncomfortable.”

“She is ?”

My interlocutor walked around the counter before squatting in front of the small cage. The cat didn't come to say hello. The dark-haired called her name several times, but she didn't respond to any of his calls. He frowned.

“Has she been like this for a long time ?”

“Since I got her. She's hardly been out of the cage.”

It was beyond silly to have such a polite conversation with him. It was like talking to a stranger when he was so much more than that. He didn't lift his head to meet my gaze. Maybe it was for the best. I wasn't sure what I would have done if he had.

“I'll call the vet.”

I nodded before realizing he couldn't see me.

“Okay.”

He disappeared behind a door again. As the wait dragged on, I sat down on one of the chairs set up in a corner of the room. The animal inside the cage still hadn't made its presence known, even after more than twenty minutes.

My nose caught the scent of tobacco in the air. I looked up to see the dark haired accompanied by a brunette. My heart sank at this sight, without my consent. The woman burst out laughing at something he had said. I looked down at the ground. Three years had passed since he had written that letter with Suga's help. He must have changed his mind since then.

I made sure to ignore their presence until it became too loud to ignore. The vet was a woman in her thirties with large, soft brown eyes, large breasts, and full lips. She greeted me warmly, and I tried my best to smile back.

“So Hato, what's going on, dear ?” she said.

She was setting up the carrier on a table in a room filled with medical supplies. The animal doctor must have come here quite regularly to have a room reserved for her. The brunette gently pulled the cat out of her den and began to examine her. The black-haired had positioned himself in the corner of the room right behind me. The hairs on my neck were standing on end, as his attention on me.

It took the vet several minutes before her plucked frown was swapped for a smile.

“Oh, you little minx.”

She looked up at me. The next moment, the vet turned on the ultrasound and gently pointed the machine's probe at the animal's stomach. I moved closer to the screen to count two spots the size of clementines.

“Hato is expecting two little ones.” commented the woman.

She moved the probe a little lower on the taut skin of her stomach.

“Given their size, I'd say they've already been there for a month.”

A burst of laughter was heard behind me. I looked at the person responsible for the noise out of the corner of my eye.

“Around the same time I found her in Henry's.”

Not knowing what else to say, I said nothing. The brunette turned her attention back to me.

“Your cat is fine. She's just tired from handling it.”

I nodded. Instead of getting one cat, I was getting three.

“Do you still want to adopt her, Kenma ?”

I was about to nod again, this time more enthusiastically when wrinkles separated the vet's eyebrows.

“Kenma ? Like the Kenma you left me for ?”

Those few words came as a cold shower to me. For starters, because my suspicions had been right about their duo and secondly, how come the Kenma he had left her ?

An energy that wasn't mine moved my muscles, making me slowly spin around. The dark-haired froze. His smile when he'd heard the news about Hato's kittens had vanished. His hazel eyes rested on his colleague's face before furtively settling on mine. I had no idea what expression I was adopting, but it was surely the wrong one because he burst out laughing.

Yes. He burst out laughing.

The veterinarian chose this moment to get up and leave the room. I didn't check, but anger seemed to be written all over her beautiful, feminine face.The dark-haired took a moment to calm down.

“You owe me an explanation.”

“I don't owe you anything anymore, Kenma.”

I shook my head from side to side, choosing not to drink in his lies.

“I'm sure my mother also made you promise to look after me.”

His smile was fading. He hadn't written it in his letter. However, I didn't need him to do so to know that those were truly my mother's last words. I held his gaze without flinching, and it was much harder than it seemed because a string of memories suddenly came flooding back to me.

The dark-haired scratched his neck. Proof that he wasn't as insensitive to the situation as he wanted to make me believe.

“What do you want ?” he growled.

“I already told you. Explanations.”

Silence covered the distance between me and the tall man. The latter finally sighed.

“Not here.”

Before a "why" could pass my lips he added :

“There are cameras everywhere.”

The next hour seemed to fly by. The dark-haired began by calling a colleague to come and replace him. This didn't seem to be going his way, as he called another number right after. Imagine my surprise when I saw rivers of dark brown curls pulling open the front door.

“Akashi ?”

The latter nodded in my direction and gave me a small smile. I didn't have time to ask him anything else because the dark-haired had already taken him aside. I looked at the pair without finding a logical explanation. Akaashi was adding himself to the list of people who knew he had stayed in Tokyo. Just like Suga. Who else was going to add to this list ? Daichi ? Bokuto ?

I scowled. Anger was beginning to twist through my muddled thoughts.

“Come on,” a voice I wasn’t used to hearing every day came in.

Without flinching, I followed him. The small weight in the carrier I was carrying shifted.

“What do I do with Hato ?”

“We'll go to your place.”

I kept quiet and followed him to the parking lot. He took a seat in the driver's seat of a small black car. During the three years he had been missing, he had had time to get his driving license and also to buy a vehicle. My anger was starting to taste bitter. I sat in the passenger seat and placed the cage on my lap.

“Your seatbelt.” he pointed out.

My teeth pinched a piece of my lower lip as I complied. Without needing any further information from me, he retraced the route of the bus in reverse as if he had already done it a thousand times.

The silence was stony as we waited for the traffic light to turn green again. A steady noise filled the suffocating space between us. With a glance to my left, I saw it came from the driver's fingers, which fell at regular intervals on the steering wheel. I followed their movements for a moment too long to be able to believe that I was completely insensitive to them.

I diverted my gaze to the red light that made us wait. The sequence of events was completely out of my control, yet I was quite calm about what to do next.

Several minutes later, we were parked in front of my building. As I stepped out of the car, his voice pierced the air for the first time since we left the shelter.

“I’ll wait for you.”

I took the time to place the cage on the floor of my apartment. Hato still hadn't gotten out of her carrier once I opened it. After checking that everything was in order in the room, my shoes found their way back to my feet. As I was about to turn the front door handle, I found myself making a final detour into my bathroom to take a quick look at my face. My hair was quickly detangled with my fingers to make it more manageable. I changed my sweatshirt into a cleaner one and brushed my teeth. The dark circles around my eyes couldn't be fixed. Before the image in the mirror could mock my false ideas and me, I left.

The small black car was still waiting in the same spot. I quickened my pace before it decided to escape. The passenger door of the vehicle was flung open, and I hurried to get into the seat. My gaze was fixed on the front of the car as if nothing had happened.

“Everything in order up there ?”

No need to turn my head to check that a smile was tugging at the edge of his lips. I knew it.

I nodded. It took me several moments of silence to realize that the dark-haired had no intention of starting his car in the near future. He cleared his throat but said nothing more. My hands were tucked into the large pockets of my sweatshirt. With my fingertips, I noted the missing weight of my game console. It must still be hidden in the folds of the garment I'd swapped.

Even though I had forced myself many times not to think about it, I also had many things to say to him, to blame him for. Yet, now that he was with me in this small space, I could find nothing more to say to him.

The sound of a sigh came to tickle my ears.

“What do you want to know ?”

I wanted to hear it all again, but this time with the accent of his voice. My mouth was pursed between my teeth, my head tilted slightly downward so he couldn't see anything.

In response to my lack of reaction, he ran a hand through his hair. He usually did that when he was nervous.

“To be honest with you, I don't understand why you want to continue being associated with me given all the harm I've caused you. I've confessed what I had to confess. If you want revenge, I don't see what more you can take from me.”

Seconds later, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a rectangular package. Once a flammable cylinder was trapped between his lips, he lit it with a lighter. The tall man opened the driver's window.

“I don't recognize you anymore.” I ended up saying.

He burst out laughing.

“You never knew me. You know what I want you to know.”

I still didn't dare turn my head to look at him.

“I’m the one who's angry with you.” I reminded him.

The next drag he took from the stick was long, giving him time to think.

“And yet, you are here.”

True to myself, I shrugged.

  ⚮

Chapter Text

Chapter 20 𓇚 ※ 𓇚

Soulmates aren't just lovers - Anonymous

Kenma’s POV

“Why did you do it ?”

A dark chuckle came from his lungs.

“You've heard me say it a million times already. Money.”

The grip of my tangled fingers grew tighter.

“You're lying.”

“And yet…”

I turned my head as he swiveled his toward the car’s driver window. His composure seemed to evaporate through it, just like the smoke between his fingers.

‘“You know, I never watched the last video.” I said in a neutral tone.

It was the truth. I'd never had the courage to click on the last orange icon sitting in the camera. My thumb always hovered over the rectangle without ever pressing it. Several emotions mixed between themselves every time: betrayal, anxiety, anger, fear… sadness. What was hidden behind those tiny pixels was still too big, even after so many years.

“That was the one you needed to see.”

With his index finger he tapped his cigarette, which caused ash to fall onto the asphalt.

The asphalt. Red. Scarlet.

My eyes closed briefly to chase away the painting that was painting itself in my mind. I cleared my throat. 

“How long have you been smoking ?”

The dark-haired turned his head abruptly. His eyes bored unpleasantly into mine,as  if they were aiming to nail me to the spot. It was working. 

“What do you want, Kenma ?”

I tried to pull away from our eye contact, but he grabbed my chin with his unoccupied hand. The contact between our skins burned. His gaze softened, and my throat responded by going dry. I struggled to swallow.

“What could you possibly want more from me ?” he whispered.

My hand rested on the forearm that held me by the chin. The tension in the air reverberated the contact between us. I took a deep breath.

“I want to hear it from you.”

“You want to hear from me how I killed your mother ?” he repeated slowly to check that I understood the implication of my words.

The contact between us was fading. He took his hand again. Before it could go too far, I took it in the talons that had become mine. He struggled. I didn't let go, though. He was going to disappear again. I knew it. 

“Watch the video.”

I shook my head.

“Watch the damn video, Kenma.”

Shivers shook my spine. My response was the same.

“I won't, you hear me. Never.”

“Why ?”

Another snort escaped him. I didn't understand where this sudden aggression was coming from. The dark-haired shook off my hands once more. My heart seemed to sink at this realization. The driver got out of the car.

It took me a minute to react. He turned his head to see if I was following him.

"Leave me alone !" he shouted, his back about twenty meters away facing me.

My strides were getting longer, becoming strides. Far behind us was the boy who gave me life lessons with "it doesn't take much to be happy," the one who couldn't stand on an ice arena, the one who teased me about my lack of a smile.

I would never let him disappear again.

My hand caught his forearm before he crossed the road. However, I was forced to release my grip when a burn appeared on the palm of my hand. The cigarette. His cigarette.

A flash of panic lit the dark-haired’s dark gaze. The element that was making my skin turn red fell onto the pavement. The tall man's movements were becoming more and more out of sync. He pushed me out of his way and continued his advance along the deserted road. My body followed him before I could give him the order. There was no way he was going to vanish again on the road, not on my watch. 

“Kuroo.”

My voice was barely a whisper. His name exploded in my mouth like a sweet fruit filled with flavor.

“Kuroo !”

My shout seemed to have the effect of a whip, as it urged him to walk faster. I felt as if I were reliving the scene we had both acted out three years earlier.The stretch between my muscles to go faster made me wince, just like the searing pain in my palm.

“Stop following me !”

“Stop running away from me !”

He turned around quickly.

“I'm not running away.”

I joined him on the other side of the road.

“You've been doing it for years.”

His fists, held at his sides, clenched. My feet dug into the ground in front of him.

“You don't know anything.”

With the back of my good hand I brushed an invisible speck of dust off his light jacket.

“Yes, I do. I’ve been doing the same.”

I expected to be angry with him. I had promised hell to the one responsible for all the pain I had endured for years. Yet, all I could think about now was finding common ground with him. A no-man's-land for war between our two sides.

“We are not the same.”

A sneer of wickedness filled his handsome facial features.

“I'm the only one who can understand you.” I retorted.

He fell silent and his dark gaze became more distant.

“Why are you doing this to me ?”

“You owe me.”

The taller one took a moment to think.

“And after you leave me alone ?”

I nodded without thinking a word. A sentence with the adjective "stubborn" was heard in his mumble. I managed to convince him to come to the apartment we had shared for several months.

My heart was racing, with panic, fear, uncertainty. But it was also due to the fact that Kuroo Tetsuro was in my living room again. Hato came out of hiding while I was pouring us glasses of water in the kitchen. She settled right next to his thighs without actually touching them.

The dark-haired must have felt my gaze because his hazel eyes moved up from the small figure to me.

“She has a certain way of loving. The "don't touch me but I want to be next to you" type.”

His comment seemed to be aimed at me but I didn't take notice of it. Once the oldest of us had the second glass in his hands I sat down on the chair opposite to the sofa.

“I think she loves you much more than me.” I added

“It's quite possible.”

He tried to place his unoccupied hand on the animal's back. His fingers had barely touched its fur when Hato's tail twitched in warning. 

Another silence filled the space between us.

“Why is it always quiet between us ?”

A heavy atmosphere filled the room with his comment. I turned my attention to the floor next to the piece of furniture he was sitting on so I wouldn't have to answer him.

“I'm waiting for you to speak.” I finally said.

The dark-haired sighed and stood up, heading for my room. I called out to him, asking what he had in mind. As I stood up, he came back and placed a cold object in my hand. I opened it to find the camera.

I frowned and raised my voice.

“I want to hear it from you.”

“You'll hear it from me.”

My head shook as his head bobbed up and down in disagreement. My arm reached across his chest to hand him the camera back.

“I will not change my mind, Kenma.”

My eyes rose to meet his irises, and I could see that, indeed, he wasn't going to change his mind. They were a slightly darker shade than I remembered. Kuroo broke our eye contact abruptly, taking the flashes of electricity with him. His hand pushed mine against my chest, reminding me of the existence of the object between them.

“Watch the video, Kenma. Please.”

Reluctantly, I slid back into my seat. Subtle music played as the flap opened. The orange rectangles seemed to stare at me harshly, except for one that stood out due to its unremarkable gray. The one that had been filmed in The Bird locker room. The very last of this evil brood.

With a quick glance, I saw the dark-haired take a seat on my sofa once again.

“Did you really mean what you said before you…”

“Watch the video.”

I swallowed and finally looked down at the subject in question. My finger hovered over the box for a few more seconds before resting on the screen.

« Hi , today we are … »

Kuroo fidgeted in place.

« …June 6th XXXX and this will be my last video. I'm at The Bird, the cafe of the man who took Kenma in after the accident. We met through a volleyball club and on the background of his phone was a face that I had gotten to know well. That's why I decided to leave him my memory box so he can give it to Kenma when the time comes. I hope he'll give it to him. If he isn’t mad at me too much, of course. »

The dark-haired in the video scratched the back of his neck. His gaze averted the lens.

« …I wish he knew why I did what I did. I wish he knew that I never intended to kill anyone or bother anyone. In fact, it all started because I was bothered too much.

He sighed.

I needed money. My family needed money. We envisioned a whole life with money, but it couldn't exist for us.

I was… Well, Fumetsu offered me a solution. I… My mother wanted a big kitchen. My father wanted a workbench for tinkering. My little sister wanted to study medicine. We wanted so many things, but we would never have been able to afford them in a city like Tokyo. That’s why…

Suddenly, he turned his head and addressed the camera.

Kenma. I beg you to believe me. I didn't want any of this. I'm not saying my actions warrant these consequences, but it's normal to want to find a solution to a situation you never asked for, right ? And it was proposed so simply that it makes you want to believe it, you know ? You tell yourself that luck is finally smiling on you.

He sneered wickedly.

We robbed a bank. Hundreds of thousands in my hands, it was too good to turn down. The solution to all our problems. I was making myself rich by making others poor. I wasn't solving one problem; I was creating another. Of course, it was a trap, too stupid to be realistic. We ran until we found an easy-to-climb blue gate. I was convinced they would find us. That they were spying on us, so I wanted to jump out the window... »

My finger stopped the video before my brain could tell it to. It trembled. This was the decisive moment. I was going to know. Know everything. My head slowly rose to face the author of this reaction. Shivers suffused me as I discovered his gaze stabbing at my form.

“Continue the video, Kenma.” he intervened.

My eyes fixed on his feet, resting on the parquet floor. His shoes were black. Doc Martens. Probably a size 14.

I swallowed and stared at the frozen image again.

« …a kitchen. A huge kitchen, like the one my mother dreamed of having. I wasn't alone. A woman was standing right next to the island. I won't describe your mother to you, but she was a beautiful woman, Kenma. »

I paused the video.

“No, it's too much.” I explained.

My voice broke on the last syllable of my sentence. My ears caught the sound of a weight being lifted from a cloth. My eyes watched a figure rise and slip away once more. Before I could make a decision, my body had already risen to hold him by the forearm.

“No. Stay.”

“You can't even look at me.” he spat.

To contradict him would have been a waste of time. Silence fell between us once more.

“Stay.”

The dark-haired pulled away from the embrace I offered him. He already had one hand on the doorknob.

“Why do I have to be here ? This is torture, Kenma.”

“Please.” I whispered.

So low, there might even have been a chance he hadn't heard me. My throat was as dry as sandpaper. The urge to argue filled my senses when suddenly my concentration was broken.

« …She had gone downstairs to get a glass of water. She would go back to bed in a few minutes after kicking me out of her house. Except Fumetsu called me and my identity was revealed… I… She understood and gave me reasons to follow my idea. She had been dying for several years and was only putting off the inevitable. Colorectal cancer. She… She…

He searched for his words and struggled to find the right ones.

She was dying, Kenma. She showed me the cyanide and ricin in her closet, the sleeping pills, and… I offered her the way out she wanted but had never wanted to take. She told me about the diarrhea, the weight loss, the blood in her stools, the… »

“Kuroo. I can't.”

“You're the one who wanted to know.”

The dark-haired took the digital object in his hands and continued our shared torture. The video hadn't stopped.

« ...She said she was too much of a coward to do it. She said she was waiting for me and we'd make it look like a suicide, the police wouldn't notice. She talked a lot about you, like you were the shooting star in her life. Then... Then she told me to take the safety off and... »

I moved closer to the dark-haired and punched his chest hard with my fist. My lower lip trembled, my eyes stung.

“Stop the video.”

I didn't have  to lift my head to know he was shaking his. I tried to snatch the camera from his hands. Lacking height, he raised his arm to put it out of my reach.

« …Then I left. Like a thief… »

My tears were still flowing, but they wouldn't stop. They wouldn't stop anymore. I covered my ears with my fingers, but his voice still pierced through the shield.

« …One of the first things I did after getting out of prison was visit her. Not that I needed to, I fee*lt her presence constantly. A constant reminder of what I did.I was used and I succumbed to the easy way out. It was both of our secrets.

I promised myself I would invent myself a new life, a new family, and leave the country, but I didn't succeed. I felt like I was running away like a thief once again. This reminds me that I still have a letter to write to you...

A sob escaped me. The letter in my nightstand, written by Suga's hand and filled with Kuroo's words from a hospital bed.

«… Except you're not a shooting star, you're a meteor Kenma. You burned me to the third degree. I will have lifelong after-effects and you will never know it because I will do everything in my power to disappear from your life. I had the whole world to rebuild my life, it is completely illogical that it would be you... It could have been anyone but you and yet I want it to be you... »

I brought the dark-haired’s raised arm towards me to see the moving image. He let me, leaving the hollow of his elbow against the curve of my chest; leaving his hand in the concavity of mine.

A lovely red flush tinged the young man's cheeks in the image. He ran a hand through his hair.

«… I have no right to be with you. And maybe you don’t want it to be me. I hope you don't want it to be me. You deserve better. Someone stable, ambitious, attentive to your every need. I can't offer you all of these things with certainty. I can't turn the page. I feel like I've finished an entire book. To think that if I had reached out a little more I could have run it through your tangled hair, if I had been a little braver I would have held your hand, if I had been more persistent I would have managed to ice skate properly.

He laughed and stared at a locker on the side of the room.

I'm going to disappear, but know that I'll always be there one way or another. Every time I walk past your house, I'll look up at your floor to see if you're home from work. Every time I pass a street parallel to yours, I'll make a detour to see Calypso’s sign without going in. Every time I see an apple pie, I'll think of you. Every time I will eat an ice cream during the winter, I will remember our snowball fight. And all of this may seem like empty words to you, but time will never dull the feelings these things made me feel: the joy, the surprise, the excitement. You are amazing, Kenma. You should see yourself through my eyes. You are incredible.

So even though I'm not allowed to tell you, I wanted you to know that... »

Kuroo cut the video before his twin could finish his argument. I tried to press the play button.

“Hey ! Put the video back on.”

He grabbed my chin with his free hand, forcing my eyes to meet his. They were burning.

“Not before I get to tell you.”

I swallowed and tried to pull away from his light grip on my face.

“Kuroo, you're not…”

“I love you.”

It was my cheeks' turn to turn pink. He didn't mean what he said.

- I mean what I say. I've had years to blame myself. I'm sure.

His gaze caught mine again. There was nothing but sincerity in them. Yet, I couldn't believe them.

“You're not gay, Kuroo.”

The dark-haired nodded his head without ever missing a glimpse of my face.

“You're probably going to find me excessive, but I'm convinced you're the love of my life. It's heartbreaking. Vibrant. Delirious. Burning.”

“It will pass.”

The older one blindly threw the camera, which landed with a boom on the sofa, and took my arms in his hands.

“You don't understand. I've had years to move on. I always came back to you.”

My eyebrows furrowed.

“You'll find better.”

“I want it to be you . All of it. Flaws. Qualities. Clumsiness. Replies.”

With his thumbs, he deflected the path of my tears.

I sighed.

“You're not going to leave me alone, are you ?”

“No. Well... Only if you want to, of course.”

His smile was dazzling. It was hard to say no to it.

I took both sides of his jaw in turn and planted a kiss on his lips.

“Moron.”

He responded with a "mhm mhm." I slapped his chest.

“Stupid.

“Yeah, I know.”

I renewed my attack.

“Asshole.”

“Whatever you want, kitten.”

A burst of laughter pierced my throat.

“For your information, you forgot idiot, jerk, slob,…

I silenced him with my lips.

~°~

The days following this event were weird. That evening, Kuroo stayed at the apartment but didn't change his firm decision of sleeping in the guest room. When the question "why?" was asked, he said that we both had to recover from our emotions. It must be said that the episode of him repeating "I don't believe it," "I'm so lucky," or "I love you, Kenma" over and over again was borderline excessive. I mean, my "ohs" and "I don't understand anything" weren't any better.

I finally gave in to temptation and crawled into his bed during the night. He probably didn't mind me much because he pulled me closer to him with his arm around my waist. His bed was smaller than mine, yet the thought of going back to it never crossed my mind.

When morning came, the warmth that enveloped us disappeared. With a half-open eye, I caught sight of the dark-haired putting his trousers back on. My raised eyebrow seemed to ask a question.

“I have to go to work.” he explained.

I pretended to get up. A smile appeared on his lips.

“Be careful, there is Hato.”

The cat was, indeed, at the edge of the bed. Only her two pointed ears remained, sticking out of her curled-up form. I froze so as not to make a movement that might wake her. The taller one moved to another room, leaving me alone with the animal.

When I heard him putting on his shoes, I got up as quietly as possible.

“Kuroo.”

“Hm ?”

He turned around and my body wrapped in a blanket made him laugh. However, my serious expression quickly made him lose that mood.

“Unblock my number.”

From then on, everything changed. We went to our respective jobs, but we stayed by each other's side through text messages. I learned things about him that I should have known ages ago. I learned, without much surprise, that his favorite color was black. His favorite food was grilled mackerel. His favorite drink was a Sex on the Beach or a Ricard. For breakfast, he preferred a strong coffee to tea. He preferred the sea to the mountains. His favorite jam was cherry jam. He loved peaches. His favorite candies were the red and black raspberries from the Haribo brand. He listened to classical music to study, but preferred rap for fun.

I also learned what he hated, such as blueberries.

“They are blue, wrinkly, and they stain your fingers every time. They are ugly, too.”

He hated green vegetables. He was horrified by snakes and guinea pigs. He had never understood anything about art and couldn't draw anything even to save his life. He was bad at bowling. He didn't like climbing trees because he has vertigo easily. Kangaroos scared the hell out of him. He hated essays.

During our outings as a couple (we preferred to call it our duo because couple seemed paranormal to us) we were both very attentive to each other. Several times I surprised my mind wandering to the mirages of his lips or the curve of his arms. It simply made him smile. I was just embarrassed to be caught in the act. For his part, although he didn't say anything, the digital object he was holding, a camera, was overheating.

“Can you explain to me why you're taking my picture in front of a fountain ?”

This was already the fifth time that the characteristic "click-click" had been heard behind me.

He shrugged.

“You,” he said. “The blue of the water brings out the blond in your hair. It’s beautiful.”

My cheeks soaked up the warmth of the sun. I immortalized the moment by snapping a photo on my phone's camera app. A dark-haired man with surprised hair was looking at me with wide eyes.

“Let me see !”

I was already far away.

During our video calls, more complex topics were discussed, such as future plans, our goals, and things we absolutely wanted to do before going over to the other side, such as diving with sharks.

“You'll do this without me.” I affirmed.

“No, Kenma ! You have to do it at least once in your life !”

My simple response was to smile and nod, although my opinion remained the same. However, I made sure to grant his wish to see Mount Fukushima and walk on a beach by the ocean. During this little trip, I learned that Kuroo didn't know how to swim.

“Kenma, help me !”

“Kuroo, it’s not deep enough for you to need help, stupid.”

“Come save me. You want me dead !”

I rolled my eyes but still joined him so he could hear me laughing at him.

Hato was much happier since he'd been here. She now had her designated spot at the end of the bed.

There were topics we wanted to avoid but couldn't just brush aside. The first thing he told me was his cigarette addiction since leaving the hospital. He said he'd only tried to keep anxiety at bay and bring calm to his thoughts. He told me about the work he'd done on himself, including emotional management. He said he wanted to go back to school, but he hadn't decided what to do yet. He admitted he'd been seeing a psychologist once a week for the past year.

“She has helped me a lot since... since you and I stopped talking.”

Before I could think about my words I replied acidly.

“By fucking her too ?”

His reaction was to grit his teeth. He avoided my gaze as if my irises were poisoned.

“I told you, I tried to move on.”

I shook my head to clear my head. I tried to reason with myself.

“And with men ?”

It was his turn to shake his head sheepishly.

“You're the only one who... who has that effect on me.”

Seeing him blush when he'd already done much worse left me perplexed. Since the evening we'd explained ourselves, there had only been a multitude of small kisses here and there. Nothing extraordinary, but still a difference from our daily lives. We each needed time to normalize the situation. What had happened 6 years ago was no small thing.

I often shared with him my uncertainties about our duo.

“Are you sure I'm your other half ?”

His reaction was relatively always the same: burst of laughter, hug and kiss on my forehead.

“Certain. Branded by the golden glitter in your eyes, the brown hair you disguise, the thin fingers you hide, the eyebrows you furrow, the lips you curl, the comments you mutter under your breath, your bursts of laughter, the little corner of your mouth when you smile, your sneezes, your kisses...

“Okay, Okay. Stop.”

His laughter grew even louder.

“Never again during our lives.”

As he had so beautifully put it in his letter, we had left a permanent imprint on each other, whether we wanted it or not. A bit like a trauma, if you will. A violent disturbance caused a lasting shock to each of us. An event that we would carry throughout our lives like a prisoner’s dodgeball in comics or a camera’s hard drive. Because there was still something good in this story: we had found each other.

So it was a happy trauma in a way.

o