Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Green eyes stare disappointedly at me. Moss-green eyes, to be precise. I love those eyes. But the look in them... Yeah, not so much. Especially when waking up in a strange bed, house, and shirt. Although to whom it belongs is very well known.

I push myself up on my elbows and clear my throat. “I did something stupid last night, didn’t I?”

Josh looks at me as if I lost my mind. Then he slowly shakes his head and rakes a hand through his dirty blond hair. He desperately needs a haircut, but I better not bring that up now. It could never dull his appearance anyway. He looks way too good for any girl’s heart to be safe. Very much like a young Leonardo DiCaprio. “You don’t remember?”

That I had a whole bottle of wine to myself? That I drank beer straight from the keg? Um, I do, but I sure won’t admit that outright.
I know what it looks like, but I can assure you with a hundred percent certainty that I am not—nor was I ever—a party girl. My sister being the defending champion should know best, and if she says so, then I sure am not.

Yesterday was a complete exception.

And here is how it went. As a freshman at college and sectioned into a dorm with single rooms, it’s kinda hard to get to know people. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy about every bit of privacy I can have, and that’s why I pay extra for that room—Well, my parents do—but it also makes it hard to get out of my Netflix and Chill zone of solitude. So when my next-door neighbor Gigi made me go to that welcome-back-to-school party, which isn’t even really a school-back party since classes started a month ago, I totally caved and not only went with her but drank a bunch of alcoholic beverages, hoping it would make me seem fun and cool.

Damn, that sure sounds pathetic.

I slowly shake my head at Josh and get promptly rewarded with an aching pain in my temple. I wince.

“I thought...” Josh cuts himself off and rakes a hand through his hair again. When he lifts his head to finally meet my eyes I am not prepared for the judgment I find there. “You told me you were over me. You said you understood that what happened on prom night was a one-time thing. I mean it’s not like I lead you on or something.”

I zone out. He keeps talking, but I can’t hear him anymore. Flashes of last night keep racing back to my mind, and suddenly I am hit with the utmost embarrassment.

Pictures of me slurring my words together flash before my eyes. Me making a complete fool of myself while dancing on the widefield close to the Greek Row and the Jock Mile. Because if the fraternities get a whole house to themselves, then the glorious athletes of a Division One college sure deserve one for their teams too. But nothing is as bad as remembering that Josh had to hurl me over his shoulder because I was falling every other step. He had to carry me all the way to Hockey House. I just hope his team mates didn’t hear me puking up my guts all the livelong night.

Josh carted me in the shower at one point, holding me up the whole damn time. He probably hoped the cool water would sober me up, but it sure hadn’t made me come to my senses.

“Don’t worry about that,” I blurt out, trying to distract myself from the path my thoughts are taking. “I was drunk. It was nothing. I was completely out. We’re friends. It was nothing.”

Shit. I’m never getting wasted again.

Josh draws his brows together, looking unimpressed, and worse unconvinced by my disastrous affirmation. “Friends don’t offer to suck each other off in the shower, Rey.”

Well damn, there it is. The memory I was trying to repress the most. The rejection that comes with it. Fucking stings.

Joshua Mackenzie might be the first man ever to say no to a blowjob. And he didn’t do it because I was drunk. He did it because I confessed my feelings for him after one extremely spectacular night of prom, believing that because he ditched his date to take me instead, and the passion we shared in the hotel room after the after-party must’ve meant he felt the same way.

Well, I couldn’t have been less right about that last part.

As Josh rectified, he only went to prom with me because he didn’t want me to go alone, and thought I didn’t have a date. But the thing is I didn’t have a date because I was waiting for Josh to ask me. I have been in love with Josh since, well maybe forever. He is not only my twin sister’s best friend but the son of my father’s best friend and business partner. We grew up together. And since he and my sister didn’t mind playing doctor for a while, just to see what it’s like—which is all she ever said about that part of her life—I couldn’t believe Josh’s extreme disinterest in me. I mean my sister and I are identical twins. We look the absolute same.

But maybe my sister didn’t make the cut for girlfriend either. She, of course, had never conveyed any interest in being Josh’s or anybody’s girlfriend for that matter. My sister is all about fun. Exploring while being young and free is her mantra. Now Josh is at least one of those lucky bastards that could claim he fucked twins. Not at the same time as a threesome obvi, but I am sure it still counts.

Josh throws his hands in the air and lets out a ragged breath. “I don’t try to shame you here, Rey. I’m just trying...” He sights. “I don’t know what I am trying.”

This is painful. And my hangover is only making it worse.

I force myself to smile at him. “I do. You’re trying to save our friendship. And I appreciate it, but there is no need to have this conversation again. I know you didn’t change your mind. I was just drunk.”

“So you keep saying.”

“Because it is the truth,” I say with the most convincing tone I can manage.

I look Josh straight in the eyes while I do so. Josh knows I tend to break eye contact when I lie. And that’s the problem with lying to someone who knows you so damn well. The problem with being in love with someone who knows you this well too. You aren’t even allowed the dignity to dwell in your unrequited love a fucking lone. Without somebody calling you out on it.

I haven’t realized how pale Josh had gone, but I do now as the color rushes back in his cheeks. Josh is fooled. I fooled Josh. He believed my lie, and now he is smiling again. A damn beautiful smile, all white teeth. If Josh would smile for every untruth I told, lying would become worth it.

“Hey, I gotta head in the shower. Wait up, so I can get you breakfast before I drop you off at the dorms.”

“Sure,” I lie again. Because there is no way I can stay and look any longer at Josh’s relieved face without breaking down.

Josh stands up and rummages in his moving boxes. Although he moved in with his team over a month ago, he hasn’t unpacked much yet. Only his hockey gear is neatly folded in his cupboard since practice started a week ago, everything else he wore is scattered over the floor. That boy desperately needs to learn how to do his laundry on his own.

Josh finds what he was looking for, a clean towel. He winks at me when he sees the horror on my face over the mess in his room, then slips out of the room.

As soon as he is gone, I hop off the bed and try to gather my things. Fishing my clothes out of Josh’s becomes a challenge of its own. How can he find anything in this chaos?

But my clothes are... well party clothes, and there’s no way I’m wearing tiny high-waist shorts and a wide-swinging crop top on my way out. Otherwise, I might as well write walk of shame in capital letters right on my forehead.

Now I am the one who’s rummaging around in his piled-up stuff. I choose sweatpants and tie the straps tight around my hips, but the pants still hang loose. I don’t waste time by putting on my bra, I just throw all of my things into the bag I had with me yesterday and thank God that Josh thought about grabbing it before he hauled me away from the party. And then I am out of the door.

Yesterday I was way too drunk to take in the enormity of the Victorian style house the hockey team lives in. Now I realize that we must be downstairs, though, because the ceilings are higher than usual and on this floor are only a few other rooms plus the bathroom at the end. I bet the better bedrooms are upstairs. But this is where the freshmen are placed.

I don’t stay to indulge in taking in all of it, too scared someone catches me watching and figures I want a tour, instead following the floor in the other direction. The floor leads directly to a ridiculously big kitchen with a broad kitchen island, no doors, just three open archways for each floor, and I have no idea which leads to the front door.

I am quick to cross the room. I need to get out of here before Josh comes back, and I am met again with my disastrous choices of last night. And rejection. And unrequited love.

Great. Now my eyes are stinging with tears. That’s just... great.

So here’s the thing about unrequited love. No matter how futile your craving is you can never truly give up on that last little kernel of hope. Take yesterday for example. I was genuinely convinced that I was over Josh, and then he watched out for me when I needed it, and I am back to square one, just where I left off only a few months ago. And worst of all, I can’t even hate him for it. That’s just how Josh is. He has always been there for me when I needed him and knowing he still is after everything just makes it so much harder. That is after all the reason I fell so hard for him in the first place.

But the biggest fault in suffering from the sickening symptoms of unrequited love is putting that person on a pedestal you can never reach. That person becomes everything you can never be. You start questioning your worth, believing the reason why he doesn’t want you is that you are not good enough. Even knowing that is just not how it works. More often than not feelings are not mutual. And the romantic industry is at fault for making us believe with every movie, book, and song that it is otherwise. That it could be if we are just fierce and amiable and worthy enough.

Holy. I am crying like a baby now. Tears blur my vision, and before I can wipe them away I slam against someone. Hard.

I bounce off a muscular chest and sway dangerously. I’m grabbed by my arm and steadied just in time, but that also means that someone’s seen my face. I quickly wipe the wetness away, but I am not fast enough. When I lift my head, I see the expression on his face change from annoyance to alertness.

Damn. Behind the guy leads a staircase to the upper levels. So no exist at all. Great. 50/50 Chance. And I couldn’t just make the right choice for once. If I were able to make good choices, he would’ve only seen my back exiting the kitchen, not my tear-stained face.

I want to turn away, but that would make everything even more obvious. Leaving one of his teammate’s rooms crying. He doesn’t have to guess. I’m a broken-hearted mess for everyone to see.

“Are you okay?” His voice is already deep, but it sounds kind of rough too. Almost as if he’s trying to suppress his anger. I don’t know what that’s about until he speaks again. And it seems he can indeed take a wrong guess because he’s saying, “Did anyone push you to do anything you didn’t want to last night because I will...”

He will what? Beat them up? A strange smile stretches my mouth at his heroism, and an even stranger giggle escapes my mouth. I sound hysterical, and I can’t blame him for cutting himself off with a leery look on his face.

I am quick to assure him that I am fine. “Just hungover. My head feels like someone hammered a thousand nails in it. And my stomach is even worse. But you don’t need me to go into too much detail...”

He still doesn’t look convinced, but the murderous expression has left his face. “Let me offer you a tea then.”

“I really should be going.”

His eyes trail my attire and blush stains my cheeks, but I will not justify my fashion choices. Although I can not help but inspect him with the same...care.

My breath hitches. Wow, he is magnificent. I know that is not a word one would typically use to describe a boy——no a man. This guy is definitely a man. Boys don’t have bodies this ripped. And since he is wearing nothing except light grey sweats I am blessed with a perfect view of his sculptured torso. At the sight of his strong arms with bulgy biceps, lots of girls probably fainted, and his pecs and rippled stomach muscles are so defined other men probably died from jealousy. When my gaze drops to the deep-hanging sweats on his hips, following that V-line, I lift my head so fast I am slightly dizzy. But I still see the smirk that forms on his sensual lips.

Hell. God did create a perfect male specimen with this one, I think, while I can’t stop my eyes from traveling over his well-defined cheekbones and long nose, just to meet hazel eyes under dark lashes. I should stop staring so blandly at him. He already looks smug enough as it is. But I let myself take in the color of his bed-ruffled hair first. It makes him look more boyish. I like it. It’s a dark, silky black.

He is moving by now, pouring water from the sink into a boiler and switching it on. While he is occupied, I use the time to wipe over my face repeatedly and just hope that I don’t look like I’ve been crying too much because not even a second later the kitchen is flooded by boys—no men again, these hockey players are all men.

Most of them don’t even look at me, and none of them seem to be baffled by a girl in way too big sweats and shirt, both of which are obviously not her own. But one of them does acknowledge me.

The black-haired, dark-eyed guy leans his broad body against the kitchen island and eyes me grinning. “No wonder you weren’t up for the party. You had your own party going on here, right Cap?”

It takes me a minute to get what he’s implying, and that he might be looking at me, but he is talking to the captain of their team. Even for a hockey player the team captain is taller, much bigger than most on his team.

“She’s not my guest, so you can stop grinning like that Finn. You’re making a fool of yourself,” the one I ran into counters. “And I didn’t go to that party last night because we’ve got practice today and then classes. And somebody has to set a good example for you hooligans.”

“Coach will be happy to hear you take your responsibility seriously,” somebody throws in.

“So whose guest is she? You were the only one in the kitchen with her when we came in.” Finn’s smirk doesn’t once leave his face. You can see the amusement even twinkle in his dark eyes. He has way too much fun torturing me, and he is way too curious for his own good.

“I don’t know. She was already here when I came in. Why don’t you just ask her?” his team captain answers drily. I am just happy he doesn’t mention that he caught me baling my eyes out.

I try to come up with a quick escape plan, but the captain is now handing me a cup of tea before I can take flight. And the rules of courtesy state that I stay, at least as long as that cup is still full. “Thank you.”

The captain seems to want to say something, but that is the moment Josh enters the kitchen, fully clothed, though his hair is still wet. “Damn Hazelnut, I was beginning to think you snuck out.”

“Hazelnut,” a few of his teammates echo, snickering.

“Nope, just thirsty,” I say lifting my cup. It partly veils my face which is a blessing since I can’t help blushing.

Hazelnut is the nickname my mother gave me when I was a toddler or baby, I don’t remember. I just know that it was when my eyes had changed the typical baby blue color to brown, and my mum thought my hazelnut eyes, hair, and rare freckles in the same color made me a hazelnut child.My sister fits the description too, of course, but since she had the most glowing skin there is, she’s already stuck with the nickname Peaches. She made it her brand too, wearing peach eye shadow, lipstick, gloss, clothes, peach everything.

The tea has cooled enough, and after blowing air over it, I slowly drink. Feeling the eyes of every guy in the room on me. I know what they think. They make assumptions about last night. I want to tell them that there was nothing and that there never will be, just so they would stop.

I drink up, and when I’m done, I don’t even remember which kind of tea I just had. I put the cup in the sink. “Thank you, but I should be going, or I’ll miss class.”

Whoever decided that it was a good idea to have a party on a Sunday should really face the consequences. And with that, I mean my wrath.

Josh looks up from his bowl of cereal, and with a mouthful, he says, “I drive you.”

“No way, Rookie. Coach going to kill you when you’re late for practice on your second week,” one of his teammates says. And I can’t deny that he is insanely good-looking. Black hair that is slightly too long and falls over his brow. Vivid blue eyes under black lashes.

“Weren’t you late twice already, Will?” Finally, someone, I recognize. The one who’s speaking is Gigi’s brother Griffin. He has the same rich brownish bronze curls. Although hers have quite the reddish tint to them, something that can only be seen in direct sunlight. She introduced him to me last night. But judging by his very hungover look, I am not sure he remembers.

“So what, I’m not a freshman.”

I look at Josh, and while his teammates carry on their good-natured fight, he just gives me a helpless shrug of his shoulders. Being fresh meat, he doesn’t want to go against his team mates and also doesn’t want to risk blowing it up with his coach either. Lowkey, I’m relieved that he isn’t driving me anymore. At least that way he can’t bring up any more embarrassing things when we’re alone. And it’s not like I could’ve said no in front of all his teammates without making everything even more awkward.

I nod my head in understanding. “Don’t worry about it. It’s not that far from my dorm.”

“I’ll call you later, okay Hazelnut?”

“Sure.” I try not to grind my teeth. Usually, I don’t mind my nickname, but here, in front of all these extremely... male guy hockey players, I do.

And as expected they’re snickering now, some even openly hoot. I don’t let it get to me, somehow finding the restrained not to comment on their completely inferior hockey team——which they are not, but I could be a bitch since my brother’s team still beat them the last two years in a row at the frozen four. No, instead I smile politely and leave.

I am just out the door when I hear another voice call for me. “Hey, Hazelnut.” But it’s not the voice I expect to call me that. It’s the captain. Sure, he doesn’t know my name, but the stupid smirk on his face makes it clear that he just likes to tease me with it.

He flicks a key back and forth. “Let me drive you real quick, eh?”

My gaze drops to his feet, and I snicker. “You’re not even wearing shoes.”

He shrugs his broad shoulders and comes closer, but stops when I lift my hand to sign him to. “Really, don’t worry about it...”

“Ben,” he helps me out, obviously confused. But I can’t tell if it’s because I won’t let him drive me or because he is used to everyone knowing who he is.

“Well, thanks for the offer, Ben, but no need.” I am already turning around while I speak and start walking.

“Hey, what’s your name?” he calls after me.

I can’t stop the smirk spreading on my face, and I’m grateful that he can’t see it. I chuckle at myself when I call over my shoulder. “You already know it.”

“EH?” I wish I could see his confused face.

“It’s Hazelnut, big stud.”

Chapter Text

Coach is pissed. He says we’re not in the shape we should be and blames us because he thinks we partied too hard over the summer. If he knew how much we party during hockey season he wouldn’t make such unfounded allegations. And also rip us a new one.

Drinking from time to time doesn’t get us out of shape, but no training does. Right now, I’d gladly tag along to scream at some of my teammates for not sticking to the off-season workout plan. Now all of us have to suffer penalty skating, and that’s not doing anything for the team spirit. It will come back to haunt us later, I just know it.

I guess that means I have to step up as team captain and have a word with some of our sophomores. Fuck. I hate shit like that. Griffin is way better at that serious talk crap. Maybe I can get him to help me out if I offer to do that double date he tries to convince me to go on since the semester started. But that would mean accepting defeat because I swore G and Will to never let them matchmake me after a disastrous experience in high school.

Speaking of which. Will and Griffin come skating up to me, both crossing their arms over the railing, panting heavily.

“I am sweating like a pig. Think I worked off all the calories I drank up last night?” For someone who comes from a family like Griffin’s, he sure is uncharacteristically vain. Though he is joking now. “Though it might not matter because if Coach keeps up the speed like that, they gonna say hello again soon. Most certainly with my breakfast too.”

“Bulimic everywhere bow done to you,” Will countered drily.

“Fuck you, man,” Griff says but laughs nevertheless.

My mind trails back to this morning, unable to stop it. I can’t seem to shake off a weird feeling about my encounter with that girl. The freshman’s girl.
I should’ve insisted that she lets me drive her to her dorm. She’d been crying only ten minutes before. Whatever happened, she was beaten up about it. Even though I do believe her nothing against her will happened. She wouldn’t have checked me out the way she had right after something like that.

“Where are you with your thoughts, dude?” G asks, snapping his fingers in front of my face.

Fuck. I trailed off again. “Nowhere. Here. Right here.”

“Yeah, sure.” Laughter from my friends. “Is it that girl?”

“What makes you say that?” I try to appear casual, taking a sip from my water bottle.

“Cause she’s your type.”

“And what type is that?” I ask while her face still flashes before my eyes. And damn, I can’t deny I’m not attracted to her because she is really pretty.

“Plain Jane,” both answer in unison.

I bite back a snarking comment because that would only prove them right. But there was nothing plain about her at all. She looks younger than she probably is with her round face and big brown eyes. But with that and her wide mouth—both setting a deep contrast to her small nose—she could not be described as anything else than beautiful. Adorable even. Not in a too-sexy or even gorgeous kind of way, the guys are right about that. More in a fresh-faced, clear smooth skin girl-next-door kinda way.

Fuck. When was the last time I ever called a girl adorable? Beautiful, sure. Sexy, hell yes. But cute and adorable were words reserved for girls to date. I try to wrap my mind around my path of thoughts but swiftly go over to shake her off my mind wholly. Like that isn’t what I’ve been trying to do all through practice and spectacularly failed at.

“Not true,” I disagree. “I just prefer sweet over sexy.”

That girl was both in my opinion. I don’t care what Will and G think of her. I already made up my mind and since I can’t seem to function without knowing her name, I’ll guess I just have to find it out then.

And it’s just a name anyway. I probably just want to know it because she didn’t want to give it to me.

Some of my friends would say it’s all about the chase. I wish I was better than a dog in that regard, but it seems I’m not. I always thought I was not that kind of man. I never backed down from a challenge and could never resist one, but I never wanted something for the sole thrill of it either. I like winning on the ice, but I’m not playing anywhere else.

“Then why have you only been going for hot sorority girls since we’re in college? Scared to get hurt much?”

“Shut it,” I moan half-annoyed, half-amused. “Only scared to hurt a nice girl. The sorority girls I hook up with know how it goes. With school and hockey, I just don’t have time for anything else. And they don’t suddenly start expecting me to.”

“Don’t have to explain that to us.”

“Just saying,” Will chimes in again. “She’s your type, is she not? What’s the matter then? She turned you down or what?”

I nibble on the mouthpiece of my bottle.

“Damn, she did turn you down,” G laughs. He’s always way too amused by my suffering.

But before I can tell him to fuck off again, Coach calls for us. “Hey, Jonas Brothers! You ladies ready with your girl talk? Because we got practice going on over here.”

We grin at each other before skating back to the rest of the team. Way too much for Coach’s liking. If he knew how much we enjoy the nicknames he’s giving us, he’d probably stop putting in so much effort with coming up with them. Amusing us is a waste of time for him, but we decided the teasing is his way of showing his affection for us. That and the screaming. My dad used to say the best coaches are always screaming. That’s how you know they care.

“Wipe that stupid grin off your face, rich boy,” he screams at Griff and then shots his dark gaze at Will when he dares to laugh. “Or I’m gonna let you and trust fund here skate suicides until your feet bleed.”

“Yes, Coach,” both answer in unison.

“I swear to God, if you three wouldn’t be a dream team, I’d not deal with you assholes.” He’s talking about G, Will and I playing together since we were fifteen, of course, which got us the reputation of being a dream team. Though we would argue that. We know each other and our playing style just so well there are no surprises in the rink. At least for us three. We never know what the other team upholds, but I can always guess my best friend’s reaction to it. Being the front line that’s a big advantage. But it is harder than it looks. We worked our asses off for everything. To be here.

“Honestly, I just expect you guys to behave like a proper boy band, is that so hard?” Coach goes on.

“You want us to split up?” Poe asks and Batsy starts snickering.

Real name James Batson, but we honor his hockey royalty roots by calling him Batsy, which was his grandfather’s nickname when he still played in the league, his father’s as well, and now his brother’s, who plays in the NHL for a few years now. All of them went to Arcryn U, too. I think there’s even a shrine for their family somewhere.
Personally, I don’t have such relations to rely on. My father taught me everything he knew. And what he couldn’t show with his bad hip, he explained in such detail, again and again, that if I didn’t get it the first time without a demonstration, I learned it anyway. My father did everything for my dream. Killed himself for it with all his sweat, blood, and tears. And I can never pay him back for it. Except for making it to the NHL. His dream and mine. Ours. Although he will never see it being fulfilled.

“No, and you shut it, Starboy,” Coach is screaming again now, seriously mad. “I want you to go in one fucking direction.”

I bet Coach really thought this joke through, but right now he doesn’t like us laughing at it. He’s quick to shut us up with one good glare. That’s just the kind of presence he’s got.
And it surely doesn’t hurt that he’s got the highest rank of players who make it on the roster after College. His College program is legendary. Everybody here on the team has plans or at least hopes to go pro. And that’s exactly why there’s no good reason for the sophomores to be off their game. Hockey players all around the US and Canada choose Arcryn U just for Coach Timon and sports agents from everywhere come to watch his players, knowing he shapes Stanley Cup winners.
Now we don’t feel like it, though. No, right now we look like a group of ass clowns.

Coach eyes us all up and down, and he is not impressed, then screams, “Skate suicides.”

We all moan, even though we know that’s just going to get us an extra round. Then we line up anyway.

Coach blows the whistle and we hustle. All the while he screams, “Not you, Burgdoff. You can go back to the locker room for all I care, you’re no good for the team anyway.”

I know I will feel today’s practice for the rest of the week, and I’m not the only one. Some of the freshmen even sit funny. Poe and the rest of the sophomores sit with them, but Griffin is heading to a table behind theirs.
Will follows without questioning him. Usually, we sit with the rest of the team, but when Griff wants to give us some privacy, he sure has reasons for it.
I set my tray with the pasta down and start eating right away. Unlike most college dining halls, the food in Arcryn’s is quite good. But right now I probably eat anything. I don’t even taste, just swallow. And Griff and Will follow suit.

After we’re done choking down our food, hanging so loosely in our seats we could fall into a food coma any second, Griffin reaches for his phone and finally spills the beans. “I thought about asking my sister about your little friend.”

She is in no way little for a girl. I expect her to be 5’6 at least. No, probably seven, maybe slightly smaller. Something in between. Of course, G’s got a point since that’s still small for men who are used to standing around guys their height. I don’t think we got somebody under 5’11 foot on the team, most being a little over 6’1. That’s the average height for a hockey player.

“So?” I stress the word, so G keeps going.

He arches a brow mockingly as if he expected a more blatant reaction after I told them the whole story after practice. And about her hiding her name from me, of course. But the thing is I already thought G might ask his sister about her because he admitted that he thinks he saw her at the party yesterday with Gigi, though he was too shitfaced to be sure about it anymore. He said he wasn’t sure about that girl being Hazelnut, but he did think she was familiar when he saw her this morning. So I just keep holding on to this straw until he crushes my hopes.

Will rolls his eyes. “Spit it out already.”

“You guys knew yourself if you followed CollegeDiaries.”

“What has that to do with anything?”

CollegeDiaries is on Instagram and TikTok and always makes sure to spread the hottest campus gossip. Everybody knows the password, which means everyone can post. So whatever’s on there, everybody could’ve posted it.
I want to lunge for my phone, but Griff’s already holding out his. I grab it and see the latest post on CollegeDiaries Instagram. It is a picture of me. This morning. Standing in front of Hockey House. Hazenut right in front of me, wearing way too big clothes. It looks like she’s wearing my clothes after she spent the night with me.

I check the description. My name isn’t mentioned, but that’s not necessary. Everybody knows me here. And I’ve been tagged too, I just haven’t had the time to check Instagram today yet, and I turned the notifications off anyway.

Look who’s living up to her reputation. Only two months on campus and K already has quite the reputation. But what do you expect from someone who’s moving to campus early to not miss out on all the back-to-school parties? Cheers girl, you go! From cleat chaser to puck bunny.

-As always CollegeDiaries brings to you the best gossip. It can’t happen without you, my silent watchers. Keep posting.

#CollegeDiaries #cleatchaser #puckbunny #jerseychaser #division1 #ArcrynU #AUGossip# AUHockey

When I click on the picture, I find K tagged, too under: @PeachesandRoses. I click on it and open her profile. Damn, K posted more than twenty-something pictures in the last few weeks. I don’t feel like going through all of them, so I only check the newer ones.
Parties, parties, and more parties. Booze, too. Then there’s our Rookie, Josh. She kisses him on the cheek in one of the pictures, and I feel my stomach tie up in a knot that doesn’t loosen up until I read the description.

My best friend is better than yours.
#brotherfromanothermother

“Don’t be pathetic and slip into her DMs,” Will says.

“Shut up,” I say and give Griff his phone back.

His eyes go wide when he sees K’s pics. “Seems like I’ve been wrong about that whole plain Jane thing.”

“What?” Will leans over G’s shoulder curiously. His tone stays dreary, though. He shrugs. “Well, she sure knows how to use a make-up brush.”

“She’d look good with minimal make-up too. Maybe just mascara and lip gloss. She does have a beautiful mouth.” G frowns. “This morning she looked different, though.”

“Fuck off.”

“Just saying. It seems like you’ve got an unerring instinct in hot woman, Ben.” Griffin laughs at the face I make. “Come on, you still wanna go for that, or Nah?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” I ask slightly irritable.

Will raises a brow at me. Then he’s counting fingers. “Maybe because she isn’t the sweet girl you thought she was. She sleeps around—”

G cuts him off right there. “You sleep around too, so stop the double standard. We don’t slut-shame. So what if she likes having fun? We do too, don’t we? The number of her sexual partners doesn’t define her worth.”

Will hold up his hands. “I didn’t mean anything by it. I don’t judge that she does it, I’m just saying she isn’t who Ben has been making up wedding pictures in his head with.”

I rub my temple. Griffin’s mother is a hippie who raised him with feminist values and beliefs. I’m torn. Most of the time I’m with G on this one, but Will’s got a point too. Not about the wedding pictures, but I’m a jealous person. I don’t care about her body count before me, but I’m not one to share.

Will moans annoyed at the usual discussion, then asks, “Anyway, you still trying to find her or not?”

I take a sip of my bottle. “We’ll see.”

Chapter Text

I’m walking to my next class with Griffin and Will when one of them taps me on the shoulder. Will points at someone across the street, emerging from the dining hall. “Isn’t that your not-so-plain Jane?”

“Keera,” I remind them of her name as I’m tired of them making more up, but they’re having way too much fun. They’re worse than Coach. Still my attention shifts to where they pointed, my eyes follow K walking away, and I quickly jog after her.

“Hey, wait up, K,” I call after her and fasten my pace. Soon we’re right behind her. I know she heard me too, but she doesn’t turn around. “Keera!”

“Sorry, I’m in a hurry,” she calls over her shoulder, still walking, but she comes to a sudden hold when she sees me.

“Listen, I was just going to say I’m really sorry about that picture, and I just wanted to make sure you know I told everybody that nothing happened between us. That you were just crashing at hockey house after that party,” I tell her and try to read her face. I can’t. I don’t know if it’s because I barely know her or because she looks so different.

Not that she doesn’t look good, I think, while my eyes travel over her long legs in that short denim skirt and...a sorority shirt? I wouldn’t have pegged her for a sorority chick.

But the thing is I can’t decipher her emotions. Is she angry about the post? Hurt? Embarrassed?

She cocks an eyebrow, challenging. “And they believed you?”

I shrug my shoulders. Honestly, I’m a little bit caught off guard. I expected her to be grateful. Maybe that’s just because my male ego would like to be the hero in the equation here. Still, I went out of my way for her. Made sure the hockey team shut up everybody gossiping about her, and not just trash-talking or slut-shaming.

“Well, consider me fucking impressed.” The sarcasm in her tone can’t be missed.

I huff, “Sorry, I couldn’t do more for you, sugar. But at least I tried.”

Her wide mouth widens into the fakest smile I’ve ever seen. It looks kinda sour. “Oh, I am so thankful.”

With that, she turns on her heel and struts off. She fucking struts. Will and Griff hoot like little boys seeing tits for the very time. They’re freaking amused with her indifference, and they enjoy seeing me turned down a little too much.
All the while I don’t even know who I just talked to. What the Fuck happened to the sweet girl I met just this morning? I’m baffled, and I hate it.

That’s the only valid explanation for what I say next. “You sure seem to have gotten it together by now. Would hate to see you cry again.”

The tone I use states the opposite. And the moment I say it I hate myself for it, for the way I say it. If we were alone that still wouldn’t have been cool, but I’m well aware we’ve got a crowd.

When she turns around this time she looks absolutely vexed. Like she’d completely forgotten she ever shed a tear. “What are you talking about?”

My brows rise together, creating a deep frown. Is she serious? I want to give a cocky answer, but she’s faster. She holds up a hand and says, “You know what? It doesn’t matter. I gave up trying to understand hockey players a long time ago.”

“Come on, I didn’t mean it like that, Hazelnut,” I say, trying to make up.

This time she glares at me. A glare Coach would be proud of. And she seems to be spitting venom when she says, “Only my family calls me that. You are not family. So you better shut it.”

I am so stunned by her overreaction that I just stand there, saying nothing, while she walks away with forceful sway in each step, mumbling to herself. I still hear her call me an asshole, though. A couple of times.

“That chick is crazy,” Will says when she’s gone. They stopped laughing a while ago. “Stay away from the crazy.”

“Wow. I think I might be in love,” Griffin counters seriously, still staring after her.

Will rolls his eyes. “Of course.”

“I’m serious.”

If I wasn’t so freaking confused, I might’ve felt the need to mark my territory because what I see in Griff’s eyes is real. Something about this Keera appeals to him while it repels me.
If I wouldn’t be such a selfish bastard, I’d clear the way for him. If it’d be the other way around, I know G would. He is a damn great friend. This is why I know he’d never make a move on Keera as long as I haven’t declared myself not interested anymore. And that will not happen. Not anytime soon.

I don’t feel like giving up.

Will eyes G in disbelief and slowly starts shaking his head, chuckling to himself. “You know what, G? That doesn’t surprise me one bit.”

After that disastrous encounter, I saw K another time. She was slipping into a building across from mine, and I followed suit, but when I got there she was already out of sight. I wasn’t sure it was her anyway because she was wearing baggy clothes again. She looked like she’d just hopped out of bed and ran into her morning lecture. But even though it was early, I found it hard to believe that she would walk around like that after I’d seen her all dolled up the other day.

But when I approach her now, I’m sure it’s her. She’s wearing a cheerleading uniform, make-up perfect, hair up in a ponytail with a blue bow that matches her uniform. She’s just coming from practice.
We’re near the parking lot at the football field which is on the other side of the hockey stadium, but I got a few courses around here in the lecture hall. And we’re both on the way to our cars. What a fortunate coincidence.

“K,” I call and jog over to her. She’s sandwiched between two girls on her squad. “You’ve got a minute?”

The girls she’s with giggle like little girls when they see me. “Hey Ben,” they chirp unanimously.

I give them a friendly nod while Keera eyes me suspiciously. She looks like she can’t decide. From the look on her face, I can tell she doesn’t want to talk to me but doesn’t want to reject me in front of her friends either. Whatever that’s about. Maybe she doesn’t want to look scorned.

“Fine.” She stretches the word, still suspicious, but that’ll do for now.

I go ahead, leading her just far enough away from her friends that they’re out of earshot. I lean against my SUV and see her eyes narrow at that. If she doesn’t like my car, she should take a good look at Griffin’s showboat. His Mercedes G-Wagon is blood red with black rims. Mine is ordinary compared to that.
I know that people talk, not wanting to seem arrogant or self-righteous, but I’m well aware of my social status on campus. I know she heard all the stories. Arcryn's dream team is filthy rich. Ben, Will, and Griffin come from the same prep school. They go way back.

All that is true as a matter of fact. But my family wouldn’t be rich if it weren’t for my stepdad. So if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t drive this fancy car, I wouldn’t even know my best friends for that matter. Everything I own is a generous donation of my stepdad’s. My car was my sweet sixteen’s present from him too. He loves to shower me with gifts because he hopes that’s going to win my favor one day.
Obviously, nobody told him that you can’t buy people off. Not where I’m from. In a rich city, the lower middle class feels almost ghetto. And growing up like that isn’t something just shaken off as soon as one was handed a big check of privilege.

“So?” K’s tone and face are fully challenging. Eyes gleaming as if she wants to say, You want to make me cry now or later?

Though I could only try. If I hadn’t already seen Keera cry I would not believe this girl had it in her. The weird thing is that Griffin likes her in particular for her hard shell while I like her softness.
I wonder if that was a glimps I only got because she was in a vulnerable moment, and she won’t let me see that part of her again. I wonder what I have to do to earn it.

“I shouldn’t have said what I did the other day,” I admit and let her see my sincere regret.

She crosses her thin arms over her chest. Her legs are toned, even slightly muscular. No surprise here, considering she’s a cheerleader. I bet she’s a flyer.

“You’re not going to say anything to that?” I ask her when she doesn’t appear to be answering.

She plays with the keys in her hand and sighs. “What do you want, Ben?”

I draw my brows together confused. “What do you mean? I wanted to apologize, that’s all.”

“And you did that now.”

Fuck. She’s still pissed with me. “Well, I kinda hoped you’d accept my apology too.” I give her my best puppy eyes, but I’m no Will. Girls drop their panties real quick when he bats his baby blues at them. “If that’s possible, that is.”

K doesn’t yield. That girl is a brain twister. Still looking pissed as fuck too. That’s clear now more than ever when she snaps, “You humiliated my s—” She bites her tongue, then corrects, “myself. I mean I humiliated myself that morning, and you made everything worse, humiliated me even more.”

“There must be a way to make up for that,” I say in my most flirtatious tone.

I’m surprised to find genuine amusement on K’s face at the attempt. Fuck, did she think it was pitiful? I feel like she’s laughing at my effort. Which is honestly the first time ever.

I know I’m not hard on the eyes. It’s not only the whole big man on campus thing why chicks want me, not the captain of the team card or athlete’s body, either. I know K sees all that and appreciates it too, but I don’t see heat or hunger in her eyes.
I’m still leaning against my car, muscles showing under my tight shirt, and yet she didn’t once check me out. Not like at Hockey House.

“Fine, you’re forgiven,” she says graciously. “If that’s all it takes to get you off my back.”

I flash her a wicked smirk that tells her I would love to get her on her back, hoping fliting a little more aggressively might get me her attention. Some girls like to be chased. I can do that for her. Just...Come on K, show me the girl I met at Hockey House.

She rolls her eyes. “You’re unbelievable.”

“Not quite yet.”

“I’m not interested.”

I believe her. Which is weird because I swore she was when we met that first time. “What changed?”

I decide to leave her alone after I have an answer because the longer we talk the more it becomes clear that she isn’t playing with me. And I’m no one that doesn’t take a no from a girl.

“Excuse me?” she splutters.

I don’t let it affect me. “I could tell you were into me when we met.”

“Nah, I was just examining the goods.” But her mind trails off. I want to know what she’s thinking about because it sure isn’t my naked body. Her brow furrows as if in deep thought, and then she even starts chewing on her lip.
I snap her out of it when I push myself off my car and stand right in front of her a second later. Our eyes meet. I can tell something is different, I just don’t know what is.

She’s not into me. Not like she was in Hockey House when I could almost catch the sexual tension between us with my hands. I want it back. I want her to look at me again the way she did then. So I cock my head to the side and give it one final shot. “You tell me when you want to examine the goods again then.”

Her mouth curls into a grin. “Are you suggesting stripping for me, Ben Solo?”

My tone drops. “You want me to, sugar?”

“Maybe.” Her eyes are full of mischief. “Just how much would you say I was into you when we met?”

“What?” The question catches me off guard. Shouldn’t she know the answer to that better than me? But maybe this is a test of my confidence.

She cockes brow with a challenging look. “Let’s say on a scale from one to ten.”

I find my swagger again. “Eleven.”

She snorts, but her lips curl into a wide grin. “You’re so arrogant.”

But I made her smile. And a guy’s gotta start somewhere. And making a girl smile is a damn good start. Even if the only thing I got right was amusing her. That is now, but before she’ll know it, all that amusement will turn into a big-ass crush where she can’t stop drawing my name in her notebook and encircling it with tiny hearts. She’ll see.

“I’m just sure,” I shoot back, then add, “It’s the truth.”

At least it was. When we met.

“We’ll see about that,” she chirps, then turns on her heels and starts to walk away. Calling over her shoulder, “Maybe on the weekend.”

Chapter Text

I’m almost withered when I finally have time to get myself my very badly needed morning coffee. It’s my own damn fault, of course. Though, that doesn’t make it any better. I haven’t heard anything Professor Garner told us today. Hell, I can’t even remember what topic he was talking about.

I have to make sure I get my coffee before my first lecture. And to stop binge-watching Netflix shows until long after midnight. And YouTube videos of funny cats. But really, who doesn’t love funny cats? It’s the guilty pleasure of us all. Whoever is denying that is lying.

“Rey.”

I stop mid-motion. So suddenly I nearly spill coffee all over my top. That’s what you get for putting on a nice blouse for once. I take a large gulp before slowly turning to face Josh. It’s funny how just the sound of somebody’s voice can make you almost ruin a perfectly fine piece of clothing. How it can make your heart beat faster.

Once I believed it was something like a sign of love. Now I’m not so sure about that anymore. The constant panic I feel when I’m with Josh, the fear of getting busted for my unwanted feelings is so strong, there’s barely room for anything else.

“Hey,” he says awkwardly when he finally reaches me. He rubs his neck and rearranges his bag to his other shoulder. His hair is still wet. I bet he comes straight from practice. “I’ve been hoping to run into you. Got Garner’s course too. Just a period later.”

Josh’s a sports management major too. Just like my brother Dean. It’s not like we were always fixed on the idea, but it makes the most sense. And it would be a lie if we said our families didn’t give us a little—big push in that direction. In case Josh’s or Dean’s hockey career doesn’t work out, they get injured or anything, they could always work for our fathers too.

“Really?” I ask him suspiciously. I know Josh, and he’s never done anything like that for me. I don’t hold any illusions about us. Not anymore. I know there’s never going to be an us. What happened Sunday made it clear.

“Yeah, I wanted to talk about Keera,” he says, now more serious. But he grins when he adds, “Could you wait here for a sec? I’m starved after practice. I’m going to grab a sandwich real quick.”

Real quick he was. People only took one look at his varsity jacket and let him sneak to the front of the line. He got his sandwich and chewed hungrily while we headed outside.

Fall finally arrived. The air is fresh and the day is windy. It only takes me a whole three minutes to start shaking in my thin blouse and jeans.

Why didn’t I think to bring a Jacket? Oh yeah, that’s right: Because I didn’t think I’d be standing outside in the cold, and all my courses today are near my dorm.

Josh throws the sandwich wrappers in the trash can and takes a sip of Gatorade before finally getting to the point. “See, this is hard for me here, Hazelnut. I know people believing there was something with Ben would suck for you, and you don’t want to be labeled off as easy, but it’s not fair to Keera.”

I stare at him with wide eyes. I open my mouth to answer, but nothing comes out. My throat feels dry. Is this how it comes across to him? Finally, I manage a disbelieving tone to go with the look on my face. “Are you for real?”

“I know you haven’t asked her to, Rey. But you know she’s trying to shield you from mean comments because she knows you’re sensitive. She’s trying to protect you. She always does.”

I know that. He doesn’t have to tell me. But hearing it from him while he almost looks disappointed...I can’t blame him. I knew damn well I shouldn’t have let Keera do this, but I still did. Because I’m a coward. A coward who cares what people think. I can’t just shut them out.

The stares, the whispers, the judgment. These are not things I know how to handle. Not like Keera. She doesn’t give a fuck. Never has and never will. That’s the only reason I let her do this. Or at least that’s what I tell myself because it makes me feel better.

“She’s not as tough as she comes off,” Josh says as if he’d read my thoughts.

“I’m...um, I don’t know what to say,” I admit, feeling guilty. “What do you want me to do, anyway? Commenting on the pic, saying that it’s me?”

“Yeah.” There is something like bitterness in his tone. He isn’t happy with this situation either.

I can see it cloud his eyes too. He doesn’t want to ask this of me, he’s just looking out for Keera, and I love him for that. But he doesn’t grasp the whole situation.

I shake my head. “I’d help no one. It’d just make Keera look like a fake.”

“What makes you say that?”

Josh looks so startled that I have to grin. One of the things I always loved most about him was his protectiveness. Though I never would’ve thought that it’d turn against me someday.

“She told me that a lot of girls asked about Ben already. So that’d just make her look like a liar.”

Josh sighs and ruffles his dirty blond her. Still no haircut. Still desperately in need of said haircut. “Fuck.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“What?” Josh looks confused at me.

“Tell me what to do, and I do it. I want the best for Keera too. Don’t act like you’re the only one who’s worried about her. If I’d actually think this rumor could harm her, I would’ve never let it get this far.”

He looks indignant at me. “You don’t think it’s a problem?”

“Not for Keera, it’s not.” I sigh. “You know how she lives for drama.”

“She doesn’t love it. It just comes with it if you’re a pretty girl who lives the way she does.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Recklessly.”

“Oh, come on. Now you’re extravagating.”

“Am I?” Josh looks challenging now, and it fuels my anger. He can talk shit about me all he wants, about being a bad friend, bad sister, whatever. But he will not start with this.

“You wouldn’t say that if she was a guy,” I accuse.

He laughs humorlessly. “Don’t pull that card.”

“Ain’t pulling anything.”

I’m shivering. I wish I could say I’m shivering from untamed wrath at the world for being so unfair, not cold, but that wouldn’t be the truth. Unfortunately, I’m not that cool.

I don’t know how long we’ve been standing here, but if I don’t get inside soon, I will not only miss my next course, I’ll also freeze to death.

Josh’s features soften, watching me. He quickly shrugs out of his Jacket and covers me in it. “Shit, Rey. I’m so sorry. I’m so damn thoughtless for letting you stand here like that.”

“It’s alright.” I sigh in relief while I snuggle deeper into his jacket. He hasn’t owned it for long, but it already smells like him.

I’ve dreamed of being the girl that wears Joshua Mackenzie’s varsity jacket, but now I can’t even enjoy it because it might show, and then we’d have to relive that embarrassing morning-after moment and worse the talk again. So the only thing that I let myself do is take in the body warmth that’s still left of him. It’s way too big, of course, so it kinda feels like drowning in him.

Josh’s not anywhere as ripped as Ben Solo. However, he’s muscular too with his wide shoulders and sculpted chest. But I know he’ll put on a hell of a lot more muscles from the extra training in the weight room that’s associated with the daily hockey practice and has helped make Ben Solo’s body a threat to every girl’s heart. Though why I’m even thinking about him is beyond me.

“Rey?” Josh is snapping two fingers in front of my face.

“What?”

“You zoned out. I said that you were right.” He shrugs. Another thing I appreciate about Josh. He has no problem admitting that he was wrong or apologizing like some men with fragile egos do. “We need to keep it a secret. Else we’d just expose Keera. But that’ll also mean not letting Cap know that you are twins. Or else he’ll figure out Keera is not the girl he met.”

I look at him confused. “Why would he see through us?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because you two are like night and day.”

“No, I mean it’s not like I’m going to see him again.”

Josh frowns. “I think he might want to.”

I stare at him, blindsided. “Why?”

“Do you need the talk?” He wiggles his eyebrows. “I think you know why a guy would want to see a girl again.”

“He’s probably just confused I turned him down when he asked for my name.”

“Well thank God you did or else we’ll have a big problem trying to sell Keera to him as you.” He laughs and it is such a beautiful sound I just have to join in. That’s what it’s always been like. Josh’s voice is dark, but when he laughs it is the lightest sound ever. It is easily the most hypnotizing sound on this earth.

“He’s asked around for you, though. Or rather said about Keera since he can’t tell the two of you apart.” And just like that, he’s serious again. “He sent one of his friends ahead. Like I wouldn’t know why Will Allistair suddenly asks about you. Or her. Keera. You know what I mean.”

I laugh again and abruptly feel the lightness of humor wash over me. This conversation started out exhausting, but now it’s almost as always. And with always I mean before. Before I admitted my feelings to an ignorant Josh and almost destroyed our friendship in consequence.

I really like it. And I realize I missed it too. Not just Josh, but our friendship.

“Fuck. I’ll be late for my class. Gotta jet.” He looks up from his wristwatch. That his parting words aren’t even about me stings a little. “Don’t forget to stay away from Ben Solo, he’s already met Keera a few times, so if he meets you now, he’ll see right through you.”  

Josh is halfway across the street when he turns around and screams back to me. “I text you later.”

“See you.”

I still smirk when I head back into the revolving door of the building behind us. But just as I do, I stare directly into Ben Solo’s face. I have no illusions that he saw me with Josh. His head is still tilted in the direction he went off.

When our gazes lock it feels like an eternity. Though that’s maybe just the embarrassment of him catching me staring at him through the glass door. I feel the heat creep up my neck, staining my cheeks.

He grins like he’s used to that, cocking a brow. Then all amusement leaves as his eyes drop to my jacket, Josh’s jacket. His lips form a thin line, and his brows draw together. He turns, and then he’s gone. He’s headed off in the opposite direction, and I don’t have time to process what just happened because I need to make it to my class.

I’m too afraid to go in.

I barely hit send when Rose’s reply lights up my phone screen.

Get in there now!

Rose is my best friend, and if she’d gone to college we would have done everything to go together, but she decided to stay home and help with her dad’s workshop. By her fifteenth birthday, Rose was already a fully trained mechanic. I sometimes wonder if we would have been such good friends if we didn’t have the same interests or if her father hadn’t allowed us to take the unusable spare parts to build our projects.

My phone starts ringing, and I quickly press decline before someone in that room hears me. Or Rose screaming through the phone at me to stop being such a baby.

If you’re not in there in two minutes, I’m calling Keera.

I blanch and quickly type: I’m going!

I take a deep breath, knock, and step inside. The amount of equipment is the first thing I notice. Arcryn University is a top school with unlimited funds and it shows.

Several heads turn in my direction.

“Is this the robotics club?” I ask dumbly since it’s pretty obvious that it is.  

A tall girl with a lanky guy on her heals walks over to me.

“Hey, are you interested in joining?” the girl asks kindly.

“Are you an engineering major?” the boy cuts in.

I smile at both of them, trying to make a good first impression. “No, but I’ve got some experience.”

“What is your major?” he presses.

“Sports management, but it’s really not about...” My voice fades away when the boy huffs, annoyed with me as if I’m wasting his time.

But the girl glares at him and turns to me with a smile. But before she can say anything, the boy speaks up again.

“See all these people over there? All of them are engineering majors, and they are serious about this.”

“I mean I’m not not serious,” I say, biting my lip. “My friend is a mechanic and her dad would let us use his garage—”

“So like a hobby?” he cuts in again.

I blush. “Uhm, I think this was a mistake. I’ll just be... I’ll be on my way.”

I gesture with my thumbs awkwardly to the door before bolting in that direction. With every step, my face turns closer in color to the complexion of a tomato.

“Pete,” I hear the girl scold the boy. “We talked about this. I’m in charge here too, you can’t make decisions alone about who can and can’t join the club.”

The door falls shut behind me and drowns out her voice. But I walk too fast and my backpack hangs far from secure of my shoulder, so when I run straight into someone, everything I’m holding sails to the ground. I would've been next if two big hands—paws really, didn’t catch me.

“Thank you,” I sigh, sinking to the ground to push everything back inside. Knees appear at the corner of my vision as the guy bends down and starts helping to gather up all my things.

I realize Josh’s jacket landed into something that resembles a spilled smoothie. No. No. No. No. No.

I pick it up, trying to wipe away the stain. It doesn’t come off and I panic. FUCK.

“Keera?” the guy says somewhat quizzically, and I realize my hair had curtained most of my face until now.

I slowly raise my gaze, and my eyes meet Ben Solo’s for the second time today. Oh, it can’t be. How unlucky can a person be?

He clears his throat when I say nothing and holds out his hands like he wants me to hand me the jacket. “Let me, I know the trick.”

I don’t react, so he reaches out, and when I don’t pull the jacket to my chest like a treasure, he takes it off me. I watch confused as he walks the short distance to the water fountain and starts cleaning the stain away.

I realize I should probably help him, so I bend to pick up the rest of my things, but Ben has already put everything back where it belongs. I walk over to him and find that he’d gotten most of the stain out of the white and blue fabric.

“Should be fine after you throw it in the washer.” He holds out the jacket to me, and I take it. Our hands touch and it’s like a tiny electric shock. The jacket must be staticky from him rubbing out the stain. Yes, that must be it.

But Ben’s head tilts to the side, and now he’s eying me more curiously. His gaze travels over my messy hair to the Jeans-Shirt-Sneaker combo I’m wearing. Granted, I looked worse when we met but he probably thinks that’s because I was hungover.

The Keera he met looked nothing but perfect. And Keera wouldn’t be caught dead in my clothes. Sometimes when I’m standing next to her I feel like the before picture on a makeover show.

“Thank you. For everything,” I add when I remember my manners.

“Couldn’t have very well let you fall, eh?” He grins and the cutest dimples appear.

My heart skips, and it seems my heart still hasn’t quite calmed after my grand escape from the robotics club.

Ben realizes where we are too, and he frowns at the door behind me. “Did you come from the robotics club? Didn’t have pegged that as your scene, K.”

“NO,” I quickly blurt, remembering he knows Keera as a sorority girl slash cheerleader. Only he saw me coming out of there, so... “I mean yes, no. I was in there but only because I was looking for...”

He looks confused by my behavior, repeating, “Looking for...?”

“THE BATHROOM,” I almost scream, then lower my voice. I start walking, though where I’m not sure. “Girl emergency, you know?”

“Oh, okay, do you need directions?” he calls after me.

“Nope, I know where I’m going,” I say over my shoulder.

“But you’re walking in the wrong direction? K?” Now he’s right beside me, his long legs eating up the distance with ease. He steps into my path, making me stop. “Come on, let me show you the way. If it’s really urgent... Do you need my jacket to cover you—you’re—the back of your jeans?”

My face feels so hot by now I wouldn’t be surprised if disease control came rushing in to hurl me off to a decontamination room.

“It’s not that bad, but thank you. In what direction did you say the bathroom was?” If I don’t go now it’ll be suspicious, so I come to terms with my fate.

“Follow me,” he says and walks ahead.

So much for staying away from Ben Solo, I think, sighing. But it gets worse. When we pass the robotics club, the door suddenly opens.

It’s the girl I talked to, and she smiles when she sees me, and says, “Good you’re still here, I was hoping we could talk about what happened in there.”

“I gotta run, sorry.” I round the corner and almost crash with Ben for a second time, who stopped to wait when the girl started talking to me.

“What was that about?” he asks when he pushes me back carefully by my shoulders before my jaw makes contact with his collarbone.

“Nothing, just this total dude-bro who was rude because he thought his male space was going to be invaded by even more women. Not worth mentioning.”

Ben frowns. “Want me to go talk to him?”

“NO,” I say before realizing he’s joking.

His grin widens at my reaction. “I could also send Griffin. I’m pretty sure he knows everyone on the inclusivity committee.”

“Haha, very funny, Ben.” But I’m indeed grinning.

“I don’t think it’s a laughing matter for Griffin, he takes these things very seriously.”

I laugh, realizing his delivery of sarcasm is so dry it’s barely noticeable. He must be driving his teammates insane. Weirdly enough, I find that somehow endearing.

Not just hot, this one, ladies and gentlemen.

Breaking news, jocks can have personalities.

No, what am I thinking? I promised Josh I’d stay away from him, and there really is no reason not to. Sure he’s fun, but I had fun this summer, and it didn’t make anything better—though admittedly also not worse.

I don’t even know if I’m the type of girl for casual hookups. What I did this summer was solely motivated by desperation. I should probably focus on myself before jumping into anything just because the guy has kind eyes. And he does have kind eyes, doesn’t he? Or maybe they’re just kind to me because he’s been kind to me both times we met?

Would Keera describe his eyes as kind? He isn’t her usual type but she must’ve noticed he’s built, and attractive... and has kind eyes.

“Everything okay?” Ben asks.

“Huh, yeah, why?”

He rubs his neck. “You’ve been kinda starring off. And we’re here, so...”

Ben gestures to the ladies’ room right in front of us, and I almost die of mortification. I can’t believe I zoned out again. For the second time thinking about him.

Great, now he thinks Keera is weird. She will kill me if he tells anyone and ruins her reputation. Yes, that’s the kind of gossip she cares about. Anyone is welcome to talk about her sex life, but no one better dare imply she isn’t peak coolness personified.

“I’ll wait in case you need something,” Ben says. The truth is he looks a little bit worried for my wellbeing. He should be worried about my sanity instead because this twin trick is messing with my mind.

“No,” I start to protest, but he cuts me off.

“Come on, Keera, it’s nothing.”

The use of my sister’s name out of Ben’s mouth feels like a bucket of cold water. It shouldn’t, but it’s not just a reminder of how twisted the situation already is, but reality.

And the reality is that while I know he’s not Keera’s type, Keera is Ben’s type. He’s been running after her, not me.  

I force a smile, placing a hand on my lower abdomen. “I really don’t feel all that good, so I’d prefer being alone.”

“I would really feel better if you would let me drive you home, but if that’s what you want I’ll respect it.”

“Thank you, it is.”

“Alright. Uh, I see you around then, I guess,” he says. He looks more confused than offended, but he doesn’t initially move like he wants to give me a chance to change my mind. When I don’t he reluctantly starts walking away with an awkward wave as goodbye. But even then I can tell he hates that I make him leave.

Chapter Text

I’m lying in bed, scrolling through my Instagram feed. The algorithm once again comes through for me, showing me one funny cat video after the other. I’m so busy grinning at the endorphin hit the cute kitties give me that I startle when my phone suddenly starts ringing.

It's a video call from Keera.

I accept and watch how my twin appears on the other side, propping her phone against the wall behind her nightstand, so she can resume painting her toenails.

She shuffles back on the bed, hot-pink nail polish in her hand. She only looks up momentarily and sighs, “Are you watching cat videos again?”

“So what?”

“These are the best years of your life and you’re wasting them on your phone. Isn’t there anyone cool you can hang out with in the dorms?” she asks. Keera has a small one-bedroom apartment close to Greek Row since pledges don’t get a room in the sorority house, but she intends to move in next year when she’s a fully initiated member.

Keera offered to share an apartment, so we could at least live the first year together, but if she’s going to move out anyway I might as well learn to live alone from the start. I can’t depend on her for my social life forever.

“Anyway, how was the robotics club?” Keera asks before I can give some excuse as to why I’m holed up in my room again and have nothing planned besides watching Netflix.

I grimace and Keera perks up from her toe-fixated gaze as if she sensed it.

“So bad?” she asks. “Why? Were there only boys? And was not one of them cute?”

“No, there were a few girls actually, but this total dude-bro shut me down as soon as he heard I’m not an engineering student. I guess they’re all really serious about it.” After all, there are yearly competitions clubs take part in. The robots are required to complete tasks or compete against other robots in a game-based challenge. So the programming and motoric must be on point.

“What’s his name?” Keera asks with narrowed eyes.

“Stop it!”

“Tell me!”

“No!”

“Why not?”

I sigh. “Because I don’t want you to make a scene.”

“I just want to talk,” she says innocently. 

“About what?” I ask suspiciously.

“Sexism.”

“It wasn’t sexism. Discrimination against other majors maybe,” I joke, but Keera doesn’t laugh.

“I can’t believe everyone in that club is a STEM major.”

I shrug. “It was pretty packed for a robotics club, probably why the selection process was so strict.”

“So he did just assume you’re not serious because you’re a girl. That is sexism.”

I groan. “Can we not?”

“You need to go back. Don’t just give up because one dude made you feel unwelcome.” She proceeds with her toenails, seemingly casual, she asks, “Why aren’t you an engineering major by the way?”

“I’m hanging up.”

They’ve been through this a million times before. Keera believes I should follow my passion, and I think I don’t want to grapple with dude-bros who think they’re better than me just because they have a dick. Sports management may be a male-dominated field too, but we have a foot in since our father has run a successful company for decades that’ll be our legacy.

“No, wait,” Keera shouts. “I’ll shut up about it, okay? You do what you want to and if you don’t want to spend all your time hanging out with nerds that don’t even want you there, I understand. Not everything is a battle worth fighting.”

“Says the person who fights every battle she comes across.”

“Maybe, but that doesn’t mean it’s not smarter to choose your battles. I just have the energy to fight on all fronts at once.” She bites her lips, then can’t stop herself from adding, “But you’re not like that. You know for sports management you’ll also have to be able to fight, and negotiations aren’t really your strong suit.”

“For the last time, I’m not switching majors, K,” I say with a tone that hopefully conveys finality.

K sighs. “Alright, alright. Change of subject, how is the twin tricking going?”

I think of running into Ben, and then also Josh. “Oh, great. Josh tore into me for letting you take the fall for me.”

“Did he now?” Keera says in a tone that betrays she’ll tear into him next.

“No, please don’t say something. He’ll think I ran to you like a child and snitched.”

“But Josh—”

“Can we please not talk about Josh?” I almost shout and instantly regret it. Keera’s surprise turns into suspicion and while we don’t have secrets, we also don’t have to tell us everything.

Josh promised me he never tell Keera about my confession. So even though she knows we slept together after prom, she never grasped the full scope of my feelings for Josh. And we both don’t want her to, so it can’t complicate their friendship.

“Fine,” she says, weirded out at my overreaction. “What I really meant to say when mentioning the twin tricking is that I ran into Ben Solo. Or more accurately he ran after me.”

“Really?” I ask, and this time I school my expression. I don’t want her to be able to tell my stomach is suddenly and weirdly in knots over this information. Josh has told me this, and it doesn’t surprise me, so why it still gives me a queasy feeling is beyond me.

“Yeah. He talked about me—well, you wanting him. He’s so arrogant.” She says it with a laugh, but her eyes are vigilant, waiting for my reaction.

I laugh. “Really? Weird, that’s not the way I would’ve described him.”

“And how would Rey describe Ben Solo, pray tell?”

“Kind.” It just slips out, and I wish I could take it back the second I see her face change. She’s like a cat that found a bowl of cream. I quickly add, “I mean he’s been kind to me both times I met him.”

And then I tell her how I ran into him after the failure at the robotics club.

“Now he thinks you’re a total weirdo,” I finish.

“Hm.” She pats her lips with her finger, hot-pink nail complimenting her natural complexion.

“Aren’t you mad?”

“He doesn’t give me the vibe of a gossiper, so no reason to arm ourselves with pitchforks just yet.”

“We can’t be seen together on campus anymore,” I decide. “He’ll figure it out, he was already suspicious of why we’re so different the last time I talked to him.”

“You could just tell him, you know. Explain the situation and ask him to keep it a secret. After all, he knows you weren’t at Hockey House for a hookup, so he should understand why you wouldn’t want people to think that.”

“I could just tell everyone. We could spin it like a prank, so people don’t believe you’re a liar,” I say. “I really don’t feel comfortable with you getting slut-shamed.”

K snorts. “Might as well since I intend to screw myself through campus. If they call me a slut now or by the end of the year doesn’t make a difference to me. It’s college and I intend to have fun. You might wanna try that sometime.”

“I can make the most of it without hookups,” I argue.

“What about Ben?”

I laugh awkwardly. “I would never just hook up with Ben. I don’t even know him. All this is a huge misunderstanding. And he isn't even really into me.”

K pauses mid-motion of switching to her other foot, the nail polish brush just hovering in the air. She just watches me for longer than necessary, then says, “I meant about the twin trick, not if you want to hook up with him. And aren’t you going out with someone?”

 Going out was somewhat of a stretch. I met Luke during orientation, and we hit it off. Their coffee date was nice, but nothing special. He asked me to dinner after, and I said yes if only so I wouldn’t have to think about Ben Solo, or Josh, or anyone really.

“Yes. And good. You don’t thinking I want to hook up with him that is. Because I don’t.” I laugh even more awkwardly now, and a blush creeps up my neck too.

“We’re not telling everyone, and if you don’t want to tell Ben I suggest we just let people find out we’re twins in their own time. Ben doesn’t need to know he talked to both of us.”

“Like that wasn’t obvious. Anyway, we can’t be seen together.”

K rolls her eyes. “By the way, Josh and I went to the greatest Chinese restaurant ever. I’m taking you tomorrow.”

“Is it on campus?”

“No.” But her grin isn’t reassuring, so I know it’s not far off. “See you then, and chill, no one will catch us.”

“You’ll love it here.” The excitement on Keera’s face makes her brown eyes gleam and her skin tone warmer. “Josh and I found it by coincidence. We were starving and just went into the first restaurant we saw. I know it doesn’t look like much—” Which is an understatement. The gold-painted door of the Chinese restaurant looks worn out, and the paint is cracked. “But I’ve never eaten spring rolls this great in my life.”

And if Keera loved them, I just know that I’m going to too. We are opposites in most things, but not in terms of food and drinks. Our mum always says that we were born with the same tastebuds.

The restaurant is surprisingly crowded. The only table left is one booth at the other end. But we don’t mind. I eye the happy munching customers and raise a brow at my sister. “Seems like you came across a sleeper.”

“Right.” She grins wide and orders for both of us when a waiter makes it to our table. I don’t mind it because she knows the menu better than I do.

“So what happened to that guy you went out with?” she asks, sipping on the cherry coke the waiter brought her.

I take a sip of my one. “Luke? What about him?”

“You’re still seeing him?”

I give her a puzzled look. “Just yesterday you told me to dump him right after our date. You said any guy that doesn’t kiss a girl after a dinner date is either closeted or just not interested.”

Keera chuckles. “I’m impressed you listened to me. But I’m not always right. Now that I had time to give it a thought, I think he might just be shy, and we shouldn’t be supporters of the whole nice guys finish last thing. You should give him another shot.”

I make a face at her. Now that I saw the glory that is Ben Solo, I’m not sure I can ever get gooey-eyed over a normal man. Our coffee date was before I met Ben, and when we met up yesterday I realized I totally forgot everything there was to know about Luke. It just didn’t feel right anymore.

In my head I kept comparing him to Ben. Even though I don’t know Ben either. Fine, I’m attracted to Ben, I can admit that much. It’s never going to happen, but that doesn’t mean I should force a connection to a guy I don’t feel it with.

I shrug. “I don’t know. What if he still doesn’t kiss me after that date? I don’t want to waste my time on a guy who’s too afraid to make the first move.”

“Did you give him signs that you want him to kiss you?”

“The whole sign thing is a myth.”

“I give signs all the time, guys pick up on them. This way I don’t even have to throw myself at them. If they’re interested they’ll do it for me.” She giggles. “Which they always are because jocks are horny as fuck.”

Is Ben horny?

Nope, nope, not going there.

I wonder how many girls on campus he hooked up with.

Stop it REY.

What were we talking about?

Oh, yeah, right.

I say, “No way you’d get Luke to do that.”

Our food arrives and hungry as we are, we pounce on it so hungrily there’s no time to talk. When we finally slow down stuffing food down our throats my sister grins at me. “Told you it’s good.”

“It’s damn good. I think I’ve never eaten chicken fried rice this great.”

“Back to Luke. I’d say let’s make it a bet, but you’re my sis and I don’t like beating you. So how about this—” She takes a long sip of her coke just to tease me. “I go out with him. Get him to kiss me and tell you all about it. Next date he’ll kiss you and you decide for yourself if you want to keep him.”

I’ve no idea what my expression looks like right now, but I’m completely dumbstruck. “You want to do a twin trick? Again?”

 “He’ll never find out.”

That’s not what puzzles me. It’s that she’s willingly proposing to do it. She never liked doing the twin trick. Sure we did it quite a lot in middle grade, but we were still kids then. We put an end to it in high school. And now twice in such short time?

“Don’t look at me like that, Rey. I’m doing you a favor.”

I know. But why? I eye her suspiciously, but I find nothing on her face. My sister is a great actress. You only see what she wants you to see. And right now she’s probably hiding all that mischief behind her innocent look.

“What do you want in return?”

She sights. “Is it so hard to believe I’m just helping my sis out without any base motives?”

No. No, it’s not. She always does. But not something like that. She hates not being able to be herself. And even though she’s a great sister, I don’t believe her to be all altruistic here.

I narrow my eyes at her but say nothing until she sighs again. She throws her hands up in the air in a surrendering gesture. “Fine. So I thought we could switch on Friday. There’s this party I don’t want to attend, but I promised to go with Cathy.”

I don’t know Cathy, but I heard about her from K. She already sounds like an exhausting person. The kind who usually pledges in frats. #realfratgirl

I looked her up, and her TikTok account is full of videos of her interviewing the other sorority girls about random crap. She also does some cute little dances.

But my sister not wanting to go to a party doesn’t sound right either. Keera loves parties. She loves to dance and get drunk. She loves to fool around with cute guys. Loves to hook them in her little net. She loves attention.

“Come on. It’s just a party. You’ll have fun,” Keera tries to persuade me, giving me a pleading look that always works on me. It works even better now after all she’s been through because of me. So there’s no discussion.

“Sure. I’ll do it for you.” I sigh while she cheers. Hastily I add, “But don’t you think about me covering for you every time you don’t feel like going.”

Which will probably be never again. But I wouldn’t have thought her to bail on this party either, so what do I even know? Maybe she’s just trying to avoid someone she hooked up with. Although that isn’t Keera’s style either.

“No ‘course not. Thank you.” She grins wide. Too damn wide. Nothing good can come from that wicked smile.

“You don’t have to do the Luke thing, though. I know you only brought it up, so you’ve got something to negotiate.”

“I’m sticking to my part of the deal,” is all she says. “Do you still have Luke’s number?”

“You don’t have to, Keera,” I assure her.

She grins that wicked smile of hers again. “But I want to. You’ll see. It will be just like when we were teens. We’ll have so much fun.”

I doubt that. Having fun with Cathy doesn’t seem right. But I don’t say that. Let her believe we’ll both get something out of this deal.

When we’re walking to the car, we wriggle in between tightly parked cars and walk over the little strip of green to get to our car faster. So close to the campus this parking lot is packed, mostly because it’s free.

K giggles when she almost trips over some plants has to stabilize herself against a tree.

I check on her from behind said tree. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I—”

“Keera!” someone shouts over to us, and we both blanch.

If I’m right in interpreting that voice this means nothing good. Keera sees the panic on my face, and it’s like I can hear her thoughts, the improvisazition loading like a browser on terrible WIFI. She gives me one hard shove.

I land in the bush right next to the tree, completely swallowed up by twigs and leaves. I pull my feet inside, hoping with a pounding heart no one saw.

My butt hurts a little but I’m more preoccupied with peeking through a tiny opening in between the leaves.

I see Ben approach. He stops only a small distance away from Keera.

God. He’s tall.

I knew that he was tall. But he is really, really tall. Seeing him stand next to Keera, who’s the same height as me, I’m becoming very alert of the way we look next to each other.

“Hey, are you feeling better?” Ben asks.

Keera looks momentarily confused, then her eyes widen in understanding. “Ah, yes, my period. That I have. Right now. Not over yet, unfortunately.”

Ben looks confused out by her phrasing, but he catches himself.

“Well, maybe I can treat you to some food. What are you craving?” he asks. He smiles that way which makes his dimples appear, and a sick feeling rouses my stomach. He smiled that way for me, and now he’s leveling it at Keera.

“I’ve actually just eaten.”

He follows the way Keera is pointing with his eyes and grins. “Mr. Pao? We go there all the time.”

Fuck you, Keera. No one will catch us my ass.

But thinking about how we could’ve gotten a table right next to Ben and his teammates coaxes a surprise giggle out of me.

“What was that?” Ben asks.

“My stomach,” Keera says quickly while I slap a hand over my mouth to muffle every sound.

“So how about dessert?” Ben tries again. “Frozen yogurt? Waffles? Cake? What’s your thing?”

Keera grimaces, though I can tell she tries to be polite. Whatever that is about. She doesn’t need to be nice to him, she already shut his advances down anyway. But something is up with her, first her not wanting to go to that party, and now this.

The next thought twists my stomach again, but I refuse to believe it’s jealousy.

Does Keera like Ben too? Did she ask me if I wanted to hook up with him to make sure it would be fine if she did?

“I gotta go,” Keera says. 

“Oh, okay.” Ben looks rejected, but that’s not what makes him frown. “Hey, can I ask you something? I don’t mean to come off as rude, but you’re different every time I see you.”

K shrugs. “I admit I was a little bitchy the other day, not that you didn’t deserve it, but I was. But every other time... Sorry, I don’t know what you’re saying.”

“It’s not just the way you’re behaving, though it’s different. And you dress differently too, and well, you react differently... to me.” He scratches his neck. “Do you...you don’t have schizophrenia or a split personality or something, right?”

K blinks. “‘Scuse me?”

I think I detect a slight blush stretching out over his cheeks when he mumbles, “Maybe it’s undiagnosed.”

“I think I’m gonna go now, Ben. Have a good day,” Keera says and starts walking, car key already in hand.

Ben sprints into her path, covering her door. He breathes, “Sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“It’s fine, but I really gotta go.”

“Okay.” Ben stands there while Keera gets in the car. He still stands there when she drives off.

Only when she’s gone, he roars, “FUCK!”

He kick-punches the air and when that isn’t enough he kicks a trash can. The whole thing falls over, and Ben angrily walks away. Only a few steps, then he turns around and turns the thing upright before once again angrily marching off.

I sit in the bush for a few more minutes to make sure Ben is really gone. Then K drives back to the parking lot, stopping right in front of me.

I rush inside her car, sliding down in the legroom, so no one we pass can see me.

K just grins, chewing some bubblegum. She blows a big bubble and says sincerely, “That went well.”

Chapter Text

I watch Poe’s line make their way to the goal. He’s the center of our second-string line and since Mac Darrow graduated last year, he’s got a sophomore and a freshman with him. Deluca is good enough that it shouldn’t be a problem, and Mackenzie is freaking fast. With practice, he may even be as fast as...Well, not Poe himself, but maybe Griffin. And Griff’s already freaking fast. Leon Reux is our second-string Goalie, but even as a freshman, he’s as good as our first-string. I can’t wait to see how good he’ll be next year.

But Jason Davids is just not there yet. Not only talking about speed. He makes still too many rookie mistakes. Nothing out of the usual. If anything, it’s more out of the norm that Mackenzie’s game isn’t full of them. No question he’s been shaped by somebody who knows college hockey. Maybe his high school coach, seeing his potential and providing extra ice time.

“You think we got the game on Friday?” G asks.

“No way,” Will says as dry as always.

“We can make it,” I say more because it’s expected of me than because I mean it. “I talked with Coach. We think if Finn and Reus are doing defense for them, we could make it.”

“We need Finn and Reus!”

“We’ll be fine with Pruitt and Demillio.” And if we would be playing anyone other than Hewn College we may very well be fine, but this way I don’t see it. The rivalry between our schools is famous and the game always tent to get more heated than others, so the fact that this is only a pre-season game and the score doesn’t count changed nothing.

We need Reus on our line’s defense. He is a junior like us and so damn good that his spot on an NHL roster is already safe. It doesn’t hurt that the guy is fucking huge. Dude is built like Jason Momoma. Coach has granted him the nickname Prince Charming, which is a big ass joke. I’ve never seen Reus laughing, like ever, or showing any facial expression for that matter.

Finn “The Wall” is known for being almost insurmountable. And I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a better sophomore defenseman.

So Poe’s line should be as safe as it can be with those two. Meaning if they mess it up, the wall and Prince Charming see that the opposing team doesn’t score too many goals. But that also means Will, Griffin, and I need to keep the game offensive, so our defense can’t mess up. It’s a whole lotta responsibility for the first game after the break.

“As long as we’re not getting freshmen as Defense.”

Even if we get Davids, Pruitt is a senior.

“Should be fine,” I say, but I can’t even convince myself.

“Means no uncalculated risks.” G looks at Will when he says that. “When you take a shot, it must be in.”

“Girls tell me all my shots are in,” Will swaggers.

“Uh-uh sure.”

I watch Josh Mackenzie skate across the rink. “You talked to Romeo?”

Coach didn’t take long to come up with names for the freshmen. And Josh does look like a young Leo D. I wasn’t there then, but I think the nickname might’ve also had something to do with K stopping by before the last game——where we spectacularly lost—— and dropping off Josh’s good luck charm. Coach saw them together and boom. Romeo and Juliette.

Can’t say I agree.

“Sure did. Their Dads are business partners. Played hockey in College together too. Romeo and Juliette grew up like brother and sister as it seems.” Will rolls his shoulders.  

“Would you say his feelings for her are brotherly?”

“What do I know? I’m the only one of us who doesn’t have a sister.” 

“But you’ve got a brother.”

“One I didn’t grow up with, asshole.”

Will’s step-brother is several years older than him and known for being a notorious bad boy. By the age of thirteen, he flunked out of more schools than I can count on one hand. At last, their parents send him off to boarding school. Will was still a toddler then, so that’s that.

“Hey,” Coach screams. “Five seconds of summer. Get your asses in the rink.”

We do as we’re told, but Griff can’t keep his mouth shut when we skate past Coach. “They’re four of them.”

“Zip it, Chainsmokers.”

“Well now, there’s only two of them.”

“Don’t you test me, rich boy” he screams, then turns. “And you don’t look at me, Burgdoff.”

We’re in the dining hall for a second breakfast when I see K walking by outside. She’s walk-running in nothing but sweatpants and an oversized hoodie, a coffee to go in hand. She looks like she overslept and is rushing to her first course of the day.

Griff follows my gaze and asks, “How is it going with taking Juliette on a date anyway?”

“I liked not-so-plain-Jane better,” Will grumbles, putting his tray down next to mine.

“Can you stop giving her nicknames?” I say it more like a demand than a question. “And not great.”

Then I tell them about the time I met her in the parking lot the other day. I’m so focused on it, her face still fresh in front of my eyes, I miss that I’m attracting attention from my teammates, who sat down with us.

Poe gives me a bewildered look. “You told her she’s mentally ill but still expect her to want to go out with you?”

I grimace. “If you put it like that...”

Finn sits next to Poe and asks, “Who’s mentally ill?”

“Juliette,” Griff answers just when Will says, “Not-so-plain-Jane.”

“Keera,” I correct after checking if Romeo is here—he isn’t.

“Romeo’s girlfriends?” Pruitt asks.

“She’s not his girlfriend,” I say with a groan, and he holds up his hands in surrender.

“Why would you tell her she’s mentally ill?” Finn asks

“I didn’t!” I kinda did, but I didn’t mean it like that.

“You kinda did,” Griffin corrects.

“I don’t know dude, I wouldn’t see it as a bad sign,” Deluca says. “Crazy chicks are hot. My ex once keyed my cars, we had a screaming match and then fucked in the back seat.”

“That’s so off-topic,” I say while Batsy snickers. “And just so you assholes know, I only pointed out that she behaves differently every time I see her.”

“And diagnosed schizophrenia for her,” Will says, laughing.

“Or a split personality,” Griffin says, joining in Will’s laugh and completely ignoring my scowl.

Poe’s eyes widen. “No way, you did not!”

“He did!”

Finn stops swallowing everything that’s on his plate in one bite to say, “There’s no coming back from that.”

And maybe there’s not, but when I see Keera walking out of the building next to mine, I hurry my steps to catch up with her anyway. She had time to change into a two-piece and do her makeup by now.

“Hey, K,” I call.

She turns, smiles, and waves. But she still shouts over. “Gotta run. I’m late to practice.”

I feel ditched and decide I’m not going to try to talk to her anymore. The next time I see her she either strikes up a conversation or she doesn’t. I might even see her on Greek Row this weekend. There’s no need to force things.

So later when I think I catch sight of her, I let it go. It probably wasn’t her anyway because I caught a flash of grey. She might’ve stayed in her sportswear after practice, but I’m not desperate enough to find out.

Not yet.

“You know why the team is shit?” Griffin asks me when we step back into the locker room the next day. We’re the first ones out of the shower, but I still glance back because I don’t want the rest overhearing G calling our team shit. Not good for the spirit.

“Enlighten me with your wisdom.”

“Ah, you know how much I just love to do that,” he vexes me without acknowledging my sarcasm at all. “It’s because the team didn’t have time to bond. Last year we went out within the first week and got hella drunk.”

Will approaches and says with his usual dryness. “Teams who get fucked up together, fuck up their opponents together.”

I frown at him. “Not sure you can say it like that.”

Griff shakes his head. “He can, but it still doesn’t sound right. Too crude.”

Will laughs. “You wanna start about being too crude? Do you remember the time you—”

“No, he doesn’t,” I cut him off. “We were in the middle of an important discussion, Will. And G, I think you might be up to something here.”

They both look at me with confusion. “About the team bonding,” I add for clarification.

I made the whole team move into Hockey House and thought that would be enough. Living in small spaces together usually does that. Not that the house is small, but for about twenty guys who don’t like to clean up that much it sure feels like it.

Will hired the cleaning lady who’s doing the beach house we’re living in the offseason to do the hockey house too, but the first time she saw the mess she asked for a pay raise. Will was happy to give it to her, of course, the dire need for cleanness overriding everything else. I don’t think we’d found somebody any other way.

“So getting trashed tonight?” Griff looks way too excited.

“Can’t. I’m still drunk from last time.” Will sighs as if it pains him to admit it.

“It’s been days.”

“My liver is still not the same, though.”

“Pussy.”

“Shouldn’t say that as a feminist.”

“Can say whatever the fuck I want, you cunt.”

I laugh at their bickering, turn to my locker, and start getting dressed. All the while I rack my brain about how I can get the team to bond as fast as possible. Because honestly, that shouldn’t be a matter by now, and already happened. So I need to make it happen. ASAP.

“What’d you guys think of the Grill?” I ask them, and they stop their shit to turn to me.

G’s eyes beam. “Greatest idea ever. We haven’t been there in forever.”

Will doesn’t look pleased. “That bitch Gemma Laurents works there. I’m trying to avoid her at all costs.”

“You’re hiding from a girl? Who’s the pussy now?”

“I’m not hiding. Bitch’s just crazy.”

“Did you too insinuate she’s mentally ill?” Griffin asks him, but looks at me with a fat grin on his face. I’m never going to live that one down.

“Are you telling us just now that is the reason we haven’t eaten at the Grill in over a year?” I ask at the same time as Griff says, “What’s the deal, you smashed and didn’t call?”

Will grunts something under his breath, turning to his locker. But I think he might’ve said something like, “Wasn’t like that.”

G leans into me and whispers, “I’d bet a lot of money she was the one who didn’t call.”

Will hears it anyhow. And while I laugh, he spins around and snaps. “You’d lose a lot of money then.”

Will’s furious face just makes us laugh even harder and him much angrier. Damn. Now we have to go to the Grill. I’ve got to see this girl for myself. Never met anyone who’s gotten under that cold-stone bastard’s skin.

“What’s so funny?” Finn asks.

The rest of the team is emerging from the showers too. So I use the opportunity and say, “Whole team’s going to the Grill. I’m paying.”

Or rather my step-dad is. But who cares?

The boys cheer in their unawareness while Will glares at me. I just grin. The Grill is pretty much a Hooters when it comes to the uniforms the waitresses are wearing there. And it never hurts to have something to look at while you order a delicious meal.

About half an hour later we’re seated at the two biggest tables in the restaurant. I made sure the freshmen are sitting with us. Or at least the ones I know are going to play the next game, which will be Mackenzie, Roux, and Davids.

“So what’s the occasion, Cap?” Finn asks.

“Can the team not enjoy a good meal without you fuck tards questioning everything?” G asks ironically while Will is still glaring at me.

I sigh. “Thanks, G.” I turn to the whole team. “But I’m going to be real with you here. We suck as a team. And I believe we suck so bad because we had no time to bond. Which means we’re going to do that now.”

“You just say that and expect us to?” Pruitt asks doubtfully. “Like Puff.” He shakes his hand like he’s holding a magic wand.

Deluca moves his hand in a jerking-off motion in answer to that. “Or like that,” he fake moans.

“Is that all that’s on your mind, Deluca?” Poe asks.

“Every damn second. You’re a twenty-year-old hockey player, Poe, should be on yours too.”

Batsy snickers at that. Everyone knows that Poe doesn’t hook up, and it’s an unspoken rule nobody mentions seeing Finn sneak into his room. If they’re ready to talk about it that’s fine, if not that’s understandable too. Hockey, to this day, has only one openly gay player, so them wanting to be known for their skill and not their sexuality is pretty reasonable.

“The amount of time I’m thinking about my dick is just fine, thank you, Deluca,” Poe counters sarcastically. “But judging by the way you’re behaving I have to seriously wonder if you’re into hockey or just in for the pussy.”

“Love hockey,” Deluca objects strongly. He grins and wags his brows. “The puck bunnies are just the icing on the cake.”

Batsy snickers again and that reminds me that Deluca and Batsy are the weirdest pair of best friends I’ve ever seen. Talking about opposites attract. But I’m not one to judge since one of my best friends can’t ever be serious while the other one can’t take a joke for the life of him.

And just like that, the team bonding starts. Because hockey players like to talk about two things. Scoring on and off the ice. I can’t imagine other teams not being this competitive or sexed up. Hockey is an aggressive contact sport. On the skates, we’re faster than athletes of any other sport, but that makes the hits harder too. Gets us all pumped up. So it’s only natural that we need to blow off some steam. And yes, I’m gonna say it, it makes us horny. Very much.

In the last few days, I’ve had my dick in my hand more often than during the frozen four last season. I tell myself that it’s because I had someone casual to hook up with during that time, and I push the thought away that I could be having that right now too if I wouldn’t be so set on it being Keera.

Neither would I admit that it was her face that came up the most every time my dick was the hardest. Or how hard it was to banish it from my mind because it didn’t feel right yerking off to a girl who’s not mine.

“Did you guys decide what to eat yet?”

I raise my head and look into the very green eyes of a curly-haired blonde. She’s not the one who took our drink orders before, but she’s equally beautiful. I mean all the girls working at The Grill are. She’s on the bigger side of the Grill girls, though. Her hips are so lusciously curved that she reminds me of a Merilyn Monroe type, and she’s rocking a double D-Cup at least, maybe even bigger.

I catch Will glaring at me when he catches me noticing her, and I raise a brow. Is this the girl? What was her name again?

“You work here, Gemma?” Will croons at her, asking as if he hadn’t already known. Which he did. He’s teasing her, trying to make her snap back at him. I can see it in his eyes, the unspoken challenge. But she doesn’t take the bait.

She shoots him a quick look, then lets it roam around our group. Will’s dismissed. And he doesn’t look pleased about it.

I shouldn’t feel the amount of glee I do, but the confirmation I’m not the only one being repeatedly shut down by a woman is immensely reassuring.

“I take the double beef burger, no pickles, no cheese. A side order of wedges and onion rings,” Reus orders. And then it goes on.

Will is the last one, and Gemma takes her sweet time writing down the many side orders Griffin recites before turning her attention back to Will.

“The barbeque rips, a hamburger with extra onions rings, yes to the salad on the side, scratch the fries though and add wedges instead.”

Gemma looks annoyed at him as though she believes him to order that much only to piss her off. It didn’t annoy her when Griff changed up half the menu or had to take his many side orders. It’s not like we’re trying to be a nuisance. Really, there’s not much meat to the rips and we just come from practice. The burned calories need to be replaced.

When she’s done scrabbling down on her notepad, she flashes us her sweetest smile. “Be right back, boys.”

“Boys,” Finn drawls when she’s gone, imitating her southern accent.

“I’d tap that. She’s hot,” Deluca says, but his eyes are already on the next passing waiter.

Poe and Finn exchange a look, one rolling his eyes. They do that often, having these silent conversations. I wonder if they really don’t realize they’re not that subtle.

“You’d tap every girl that can spread her legs nice and wide for you,” Pruitt counters, eye-rolling.

“Because that is hot.” Deluca’s head snaps back to him. “And do you guys honestly wanna tell me that Alabama girl was not hot? I’d bet y’all already thinking about her doin’ the reverse cowboy on top of you. Yeehaa.”

Pruitt shrugs. “I’m not much into busty chicks. Like ‘em like Victoria’s Secret Angels.”

“Nah,” Will objects faster than anybody can catch a breath. “I want to see her tits jingle when she rides me like a fucking breeding stallion.”  

The boys laugh and hoot, and some cheer in agreement. One even says, “Amen.”

“I agree with Pruitt,” Reus says. “Like their tits tiny. So I can fit them whole in my mouth.”

I blink at John “Prince Charming” Reus. And I’m not the only one. That man is so freaking huge if he does like girls on the skinnier side, I cannot picture it. He must break every girl he’s with in half. Dude’s gotta hoard their bodies in his basement. Probably the reason he’s never fucking smiling.

“What about you, freshmen?” Griffin turns to Roux, Davids, and Mackenzie. While the first two are talking about their preferences, Deluca pulling out a sex story or two, I’m eying Mackenzie who’s strikingly silent.

So I interrupt with a laugh. “Closed up about your preferences much, Romeo? You hiding a foot fetish or something?”

Josh shakes his head with a grin. “Just not discriminating against any body type or parts.”

“Ah, but there must be a favorite,” Will claims. “Speaking for myself for that matter am a good ole boob man.”

Josh finally complies after a short reprieve when the boys are still watching him, waiting for an answer. “Legs.”

And K’s are a mile long. I take a sip of my beer and try to gulp the jealously down. They’re just friends. I’ve checked her Instagram posts with him about a hundred times. If Mackenzie wants something more it doesn’t matter, he’s clearly in the friendszone.

But then why did she cry after she left his room? He didn’t seem to know what that was about either, so they couldn’t have been fighting. What was that about?

“I am a man of the holy behind.”

“Boob man too.”

“Ass all the way.”

“Gotta give it to the rookie. I prefer some nice long legs wrapped around me.”

“Yeah, legs too.”

“Hips, man. I need something to grab.”

No one realizes Finn and Poe are awefully quiet during that part. Or if they do, the unspoken rule makes them not point it out. 

Deluca shakes his head, chuckling, “One thing's for sure, whatever you like, just get off and take off.”

That makes the guys hoot out loud, making several heads in the restaurant turn. The boys don’t seem to notice, still calling out their favorites. Cracking jokes, chuckling, and laughing. Gushing about positions they enjoy the most, and the craziest shit they’ve done. Soon stories are being shared. And the boys bond without even realizing it.

Mission complete. I know my approach was Neanderthal-worthy, but men are simple, and it worked. When the food comes, everything’s perfect. There’s nothing better for the team spirit than beer, food, and fuck talk.

Chapter Text

This party is crazy. I’ve never seen anything like it. I’ve already forgotten which frat house this is, but it must be one of the bigger and more popular ones because not only the house, but the backyard too, is packed with people.

I’m sandwiched between Cathy, Becky, and Emory. Cathy is not how I imagined, no she’s actually very sweet. It’s Becky who is exactly as annoying as I imagined Cathy to be. Not because she likes girly things, I like girly things too, but because she can’t seem to talk about anything except men, clothes, shoes, and the new makeup palette she tried out today. It looks good. She looks good. All perfectly dolled up. Brown hair bleached to a golden blonde. And with her five-inch heels, she’s as tall as I am.

I could talk about these things too if she’d let me, not inexhaustible like she, but talking to Becky is more like listening to a Ted Talk anyway. She certainly treats it like one when commenting on everyone’s makeover potential. After an hour I have already enough of it for a lifetime. Especially when she starts mentioning how I should’ve worn heels.

My sister tried to talk me into wearing her lowest ones, but I refused vehemently. Nobody would believe me to be Keera if she—I suddenly can’t walk on heels anymore. She still made me borrow one of her dresses. Black.

Luckily for me, our family is blessed with sports genes since my dad was a hockey player in college, and my mom was a dancer, now a dance teacher. So I’m naturally on the skinnier side, even with all the sugar I consume. Said sugar likes to go straight to my hips, unfortunately. The only area I’m slightly bigger than Keera, but not enough for strangers to notice. It’s also good the little black dress is looser around the hip than the top.

“I’m getting another drink,” Cathy screams over the music and gestures inside the house.

I’d advise against it because Cathy is already wasted, and we just arrived half an hour ago, but Keera wouldn’t, so I keep my mouth shut and just nod.

“You’re slow on your beer tonight, K,” Emory says.

“You know I don’t like beer.”

Actually, I have no idea if she knows that, but who cares?

Emory laughs. “Wanna go inside and snoop for something to mix cocktails?”

Lore, another friend of my sister, appears out of nowhere. “I think I saw T. Bradshaw in there somewhere. He’ll probably come out with the good stuff if K persuades him some more.”

“Doesn’t hurt that Tyler is a snack himself.”

She looks at me like I should know who Tyler Bradshaw is, and since I have no idea, I just laugh it off, and the girls join me without suspecting anything.

Other than Becky, the rest of my sister's friends seem nice. Emory is a soft-spoken Latina with the most beautiful wavy black hair and dark eyes, and then there’s Lore. She’s way too sweet for her own good. She’s a French-Canadian girl with straight blonde hair and big blue eyes that stand out in her oval face. If they’re in Sigma Tau or know my sister from the cheerleading squad, I don’t know.

Shit, that’s probably something I should’ve asked her beforehand. Now I have no idea how not to get busted. If they know my sister well, they’ll take no more than another one of my weird laughs instead of a feisty Keera come back, and I’m out.

“I can see why Ty Bradshaw is no longer of interest,” Emory says, scanning something in the crowd behind me. No, not something. She’s scanning someone.

I turn slowly, and my gaze meets Ben Solo’s. He’s staring. And now I’m staring too, yet no one looks away. He obviously doesn’t mind I caught him checking me out. Quite the contrary, his eyes find me through the crowd of people no matter which direction the dancing bodies move. And his eyes burn with an intensity I can’t turn away from.

His dark hair is all wind-blown. Super cute. Damn. Does he have to be cute and sexy? If he wouldn’t look this good in his tight white shirt and light denim jeans it would be easier to avert my gaze.

I inhale a sharp breath and cap whatever fiery connection has possessed me. Reluctantly I turn back to Keera’s friends.

“How good exactly did you say he was?” Emory asks.

“I didn’t say.”

“Come on. It’s not like you to hide these things.”

Lore sighs. “Give her a break, Em. She already told you not much happened.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean? Does it mean no fucking, just oral? Or no oral, only some hand action? You don’t expect us to believe the two of you just made out? I mean it’s you, K!” 

They would be right about any other jock who looked like that. But judging by Emory’s claim my sister hasn’t told them that she doesn’t do hockey players, not since high school.

“And look at him. He’s gorgeous,” Emory goes on.

“I thought you weren’t into white boys.” Lore is laughing by now.

“I’m into white boys if they look like that.” And then she does the most embarrassing thing and points directly at him.

“Stop that!” I hiss and catch her finger.

“Ow, WTF, K!”

“What did you do, Em?” There’s horror in Lore’s voice.

“What?” I choke out.

“He’s coming over here now.”

 My heart stops. And breathing is suddenly really hard. I can’t stop myself from blushing. I close my eyes and try to not let it affect me, breathing through it. All the while I keep dancing to the pulsing electronic beat.

I think I know the song, but it’s a remix. Whoever is DJing likes the artist. I think it’s Ozzie, and while I prefer the original better I can see how the remix works better for this party.

“Better leave you two to yourselves,” Emory whispers.

My eyes fly open, but Emory is already leaving, and it seems like Lore too wants to flee before Ben approaches. I give her a pleading look. “Please don’t leave me alone.”

Chances are that there won’t be an embarrassing conversation happening when she stays. I really had enough of those lately. If he tries to talk about my teary face or my blatant ogling of him, I see no other way than to end my life right here to escape ever having to see him again. Though he hasn’t said anything like that to me yet, I know he broached the subject with Keera.

“Why do you look so surprised? You’d know the hockey crowd would be here,” Lore says, but she stays. She keeps dancing to the beat as if nothing happened and even gives me a subtle sign that Ben is right behind me.

I’m glad that means I can’t answer her because I wouldn’t even know how to begin to explain myself. But what she said also means Keera set me up to meet Ben from the start?

Why?

That’s a stupid question though. K knows me better than anyone else. She must’ve seen through my bullshit and decided if she was already known for hooking up with Ben Solo I could do so again without it doing any more damage.

Do I want to?

That’s not the right question.

Should I want to?

Not even a second later after I have that thought an arm wraps around my waist. I turn and find Ben right behind me. He pauses, waiting for my consent. When my hand covers his, not pushing it away, his other hand lands on my free hip. He uses both to softy draw me back against his hard chest, and all at once I’m laying in his arms. My body immediately softens against him while he slowly starts swaying me to the beat.

I didn’t expect him to just pull me into an embrace, and my heart does a wild gallop, not letting itself be calmed. Why is everything suddenly so fucking hard?

Stay calm, I tell myself, just keep dancing. Even Breathing. I don’t know what to do with my hands anymore. My arms hang loosely to my sides. My heart is taking on the same pace at the beat. I feel his too, beating evenly against my back. Why am I so aware of him? Of everything he does?

He slightly rearranges the hand wrapped around my waist when he lets it drop to my lower belly. His fingers splay out and his palm flattens against me. Why does a simple touch like that feel so amazing? Or how his other hand moves from my hip to my wrist to my underarm, slowly moving up. The calluses on his fingers are rough, but the way he trails my skin is soft in his every touch.

My head falls back against the plane between his shoulder and pec. Through lowered lids, I vaguely make out a guy in a football jacket approaching Lore, and they mirror the same positions Ben and I are in. He grins, but not at me or even Lore. He grins at Ben, and I bet there is some male ego-petting going on.

Just that I don’t see Ben’s face. Which I wish I could see, so I could analyze the look he’s giving the guy in return. Whatever it was, he drops his mouth to Lore’s ear and whispers something. A minute later they're gone.

If it weren’t for Ben I’d feel like drowning in the sea of people. With the crowd around us, all backs turned to us it gives us the illusion of privacy, just enough to become dangerous. I’m quite sure they’re still looking, it benefits them, making us think we can do what we want, and tomorrow there’ll be another picture of us on CollegeDiaries. The thought reminds me that I should free myself from Ben and keep some distance.

But I’m not me tonight, I tell myself. And Keera would not care about some stupid pics on some gossip app. She would enjoy a hot guy.

We keep dancing. The music’s hypnotizing. Or is it the way his fingers slowly circle my upper arm? Ben knows what he does. That’s for sure. I wonder if he knows how to work those clever fingers somewhere else too. He must.

 Ben dips his head, and I feel the stubble on his jaw scratch over the softness of my cheek. His mouth finds my jawline as he traces it down before moving to my neck, slowly nibbling, drifting even lower. My breath hitches. His lips caress every sweet spot I have. And God knows I always was most sensitive in my neck area. I let my eyes drift shut and dwell in the sensation of his touch.

“Ben.” I hadn’t meant to say his name and sure not make it sound like a moan, but I did. Embarrassment stains my cheek.

“Yes, sweetheart?” He raises his head to whisper in my ear.

I don’t know what to answer. I didn’t mean for him to hold his touch. I just know one thing. “Don’t stop!”

He chuckles softly. “Yes, sweetheart.”

But before he can continue driving me crazy, we’re interrupted. My eyes fly open at the sound of a slight cough. Not because we’re being watched but because of the person watching.

Josh’s standing right there. He doesn’t look pissed off, only concerned. And I find myself relieved, just to wonder why on earth I would be relieved. If I truly were still in love with Josh, wouldn’t I want him to be jealous? I don’t.  

I straighten abruptly and take a step to the side. That’s the first time I can look at Ben’s face. His eyes seem to smolder with the same desire I still feel pulsing deep in my belly. I wish we hadn’t been interrupted. His lips don’t just look soft but I know they are, what I don’t know though is what they would feel like on mine. If he kisses the same way he caresses I know he‘s fucking good at it.

Fuck. Fuck. I’m pining for him, I realize. I can’t remember crushing this hard ever. But it’s true. I’m crushing on Ben Solo. Probably with the rest of all the other girls on campus.

“Hazelnut!” Josh snaps me out of it.

I tear my gaze from Ben and see Josh holding out a hand. While I take it and let him lead me through the crowd, I wonder why I even did it. I give one last glance back over my shoulder and see Ben’s eyes follow us. Still standing in the same place I left him, staring after me like he couldn’t let go, but also wouldn’t want to make me stay. He left the decision up to me.

I take a deep breath and turn around, there’re too many people between us now anyway to properly see him.

Josh leads us to the side of the house, away from the DJ stand and speakers. “Fuck, Rey. What was that about? Did you intend to let him finger you right there?”

My face gets so hot I’m surprised my hair doesn’t catch fire. I’m not surprised Josh realized that I’m not Keera, although I know she didn’t tell him we’re twin-tricking today. Josh grew up with us. He’s always been able to tell us apart.

“No, of course not,” I say weakly.

I’m fucking embarrassed. And worse, turned on. I can only pray Josh sees none of that on my face because...Holy Hell, Ben has barely touched me. And nowhere indecent.

“What was going on there, Rey?”

“Nothing, I’m supposed to be Keera—”

“Yeah? And why’s that?”

I sigh, he sure asks a lot of questions today. “Keera wanted to go out with this guy I’ve been seeing to prove that signs exist and guys can pick up on them.” Josh looks at me like I’m insane, so I hastily add, “See I told her that signs are a myth and—”

“They’re not. Signs exist and yes, we can read them.”

“Well, good to know,” I shoot back flippantly. He doesn’t have to be so condescending.

Josh crosses his arms over his chest, raising a brow. “Did you really not think Ben picked up on all the signs you were giving him just now? Even I could read them, and I was at the other end of the party.”

Now I’m impossibly embarrassed. What again did I think about my only choice left of covering this whole mess up being suicide? I might’ve reached that point now.

But instead of letting Josh see how hard that comment hit me, I just shrug. I fooled him once before. Even when I came to realize I only managed that because Josh wanted to be fooled because he doesn’t want me to be in love with him, it still counts.

So I’m well aware he might see right through my fake indifference now. Still, I say, “I didn’t give signs.”

“Signs were all over you. And they screamed: Fuck me, Ben Solo.” Josh snorts.

I blink at him. “No.”

“You could’ve just as well tattooed it on your forehead. It was that obvious.”

“Whatever,” I snap.

Josh frowns. “I don’t say that to embarrass you. I also know you probably reinterpret something in Ben’s actions that’s just not there.”

My eyes begin to sting. I’m suddenly overflooded by emotions. I would’ve never thought Josh would talk me down like that. Pain makes my chest ache and my throat closes up tightly.

It’s hard to speak, but I manage to choke out, “Just because you didn’t want me, doesn’t mean no one else does either.”

Josh’s eyes widen. “Rey, that’s not what I meant—”

“Just forget it.” I know Josh never meant to hurt me, but I can’t listen to his apologies again and again. About how sleeping with me in the first place was a mistake. Because Josh would never and did never apologize for not reciprocating my feelings. And of course, he doesn’t have to. It’s not his fault he doesn’t feel this way about me.

I try to sneak past him, but Josh catches me by the wrist and pulls me back. He lifts my head by the chin. “Rey, I know men want you. You’re a beautiful girl. And not only on the outside. I know Ben wants you. Men give themselves away even easier. And everyone here sure must’ve been blind to not see that he wants you...” Josh sighs so deeply I can tell he’s seriously beaten up about it. But he powers through what he really wants to say. “What if that’s just is?”

“What?” I challenge him to say it out loud.

“Lust!” Josh shouts like I’m being a brat. “He wants to fuck you, but what if that’s all?”

“What? You don’t think I can do one night stands?”

He sighs again, now a little more annoyed. “Yeah, I think you can. You proved that all summer, Rey, but I don’t think you want to. At least not with Ben.”

I pale when I realized he heard of my hook-ups. It’s not like I’m fluent with one night stands. Before the summer I never even had one in my whole life, but somehow I thought that moving on with new boys would cure me of my feelings for Josh. It hadn’t. I realized that four meaningless fucks later. You can’t fuck someone out of your system.

“All I’m saying is be careful with Ben. He might only take you to bed once, then move on to the next challenge.”

“Challenge? Like not giving him my name made me fair game.” I snort. Now he’s just being ridiculous.

Josh draws his brows together. “You don’t know?”

“What?”

He hangs his head, uncomfortable. “I thought you knew. That Keera told you. He’s been running after her all week. Talked to her a few times too. But she rejected him a couple of times, of course. However, that made her—”

“Fair game,” I finish Josh’s sentence.

I draw in a slow breath as the realization hits me. Did I honestly think he’d be after me this frantic? After meeting me just once? After talking to me twice. That’s ridiculous now. He’d met my sister. And like everybody else’s, she’d gotten his attention alright.

I knew this. I knew they talked. I even saw them speak once and Ben kicking a trashcan in frustration right after. Only hate and love can get a reaction like that out of somebody so easily. I should’ve realized it had never anything to do with me. It was never about me. Maybe when we met initially, but not later.

I gulp. “Got it.”

Josh looks at me with concern in his eyes. “Just thought you should know. It’s not his fault. I mean he doesn’t even know there’s two of you. But I guessed you wouldn’t want anyone who’s actually after your sister.”

“I said I got it, Josh,” I snarl and turn on my heel before Josh can see the tears that are about to well up in the corner of my eyes.

I run inside the frat house and leave Josh standing there outside.

Chapter Text

When I hurry into the house to get away from Josh as fast as I can, I run into a broad chest. And when I lift my head, I find myself confronted with Gigi’s brother.

Griffin’s hands are still on my upper arms. He’d managed to grab me in time, so I don’t tumble over. He hasn’t let go yet, and his gaze on me changes from surprise to confusion. He looks me over intensely. His eyes are hazel too, but they’re more green than brown, unlike Ben’s. “You alright?”

“Yes,” I answer too fast.

He knits his brows. I was so startled by bumping into him that I didn’t think about checking my expression. I think the hurt about Josh’s words might still show. I try to wipe it off my face and hem. “Yes, I’m fine, Griffin. Thanks, though.”

His frown deepens. “Have we met before?”

“Yeah,” I laugh awkwardly. “Your sister introduced us to each other at the field party. You probably don’t remember since everyone was quite drunk...” I trail off when I realize that Gigi introduced me as Rey, not Keera.

He rubs his neck. “And I thought I mixed up something. Could’ve sworn the girl Gigi introduced was called May, or Reagan?”

I try hard not to give away too much, but I feel like every emotion is peeling right off my face, and I freeze like a deer caught in headlights. I laugh again, even more awkwardly than before. “Yeah, you must’ve mixed me up then. I mean the names. Mixed up the names.”

“We saw each other after that, but I don’t think you noticed me. You were very busy giving Ben shit. And then at the rink when you dropped off Josh’s things.”

“Ah yeah, I still had his varsity jacket. He lent it to me the other day. It was cold. And windy.” W.O.W. I sound utmost stupid. The prize for the worst small talk goes right to me.

Griffin gives me the weird look I expect, but then says, “No, you still had his good luck charm.”

Fuck. Not what I expected. Josh never hands off his good luck charm. But for something so important for him he sure forgets it a lot. Keera had to run back to Josh’s place a couple of times before bringing him the dump thing. Like on finals week. No way he’d passed any of his exams any other way since he can’t concentrate and freaks out without it.

“Oh.” My eyes widen, then I laugh. “Yeah. I mean yeah, that’s right. I totally forgot. I gave him his jacket back before.”

Griffin doesn’t look convinced. Not one bit. His expression turns even more scrupulous. He tilts his head and narrows his eyes at me. “Hey, could it be, that—”

“Oh, restrooms. I’ve been waiting forever,” I lie, and make a run for it.

The door bashes shut behind me, tuning down the sounds from the party.

Great. Now, I’m hiding in a bathroom because I’ve no idea if Gigi’s brother is waiting outside for me. I know I can’t stay here forever. Not only will Emory and Lore come looking for me soon, but it’s also not something Keera would do.

Problem is Griffin seems dangerously close to guessing the truth. I’m the worst freaking stand-in ever. And that for my own twin sister.

F.U.C.K. I take a very deep breath and plaster on a smile. The mirror is broken. At least I tell myself it is when it reflects the fakest thing I’ve ever seen.

I sigh. I’m not good at this. I’m not fearless. I wish I was more like Keera. She’s probably fooling Luke without putting in any real effort.

I take a deep breath again and repeat the procedure before I’m brave enough to emerge from the bathroom. But when I do, I see Ben enter the kitchen across the room, grabbing a beer from the fridge.

I duck into the nearest staircase and flee upstairs.

Not one of my finest moments, but I just hope he didn’t see me. But that was close. I need to find Emory and Lore and tell them goodbye, so I can finally leave.

This is a frat house, one of the bigger ones, so there should be a second staircase somewhere at the other end of the floor.

And I’m right, there is. Only... Somehow Ben beat me to it.

He’s leaning against the wall next to my escape route and watches me approach with an arched brow. At least that answers my question as to if he saw me flee upstairs. The amusement on his face says it all.

I gulp down the awkward laugh that threatens to slip out of my throat. It’s made its appearance way too often tonight. I just give him a slight nod before heading for the stairs.

Ben simply repositions himself and blocks my escape route with his body. He puts his beer down. On the windowsill behind him. And his hands land on the wall behind me, locking me in between.

He takes a step closer. “Why’d you pull that shit on me?”

I take a step back only to find myself backed against the wall. I try to stay cool and arch a brow. “What do you mean?”

He leans in to whisper in my ear, and I shudder when the heat of his breath hits my auricle. “Telling me to not stop touching you, then running off with another man.”

“Josh’s a friend.” I roll my shoulders, hoping it doesn’t look as fake as it feels.

When Ben leans back to study my expression I find him not convinced. He looks pissed off. “Who is he to tell you what to do? He acted like an overprotective brother.”

I wince. Is it that evident? Obviously to anybody but me. But it seems I’m the only one that didn’t see us that way.

“We grew up together,” is all I manage. I can’t get myself to lie. And saying Josh is like a brother to me would be just that. That might’ve been the case once. But not anymore. Too much has changed since then.

“Bull. Shit.” His eyes darken. “There was something between you two. That’s the reason you cried the morning we met.”

I snort. “Why do you care? Don’t want me when he had me?”

“I want you,” Ben objects so calmly it steals my thunder. And by the look he’s giving, he’s not lying. The look in his eyes can be most accurately described by what I read in books as smoldering. Only I always assumed that it was fictionalization.

But there is nothing fake about the way Ben looks at me now. I am not sure what surprises me more, that he eyes me like that or that he admits so easily to his feelings. Then again, Ben Solo doesn’t come off as the kind of guy that likes to play games.

“But not,” he continues, his eyes never leaving mine. “If you only want me to get back at him. Or if you’re still hung up on him.”

I simply stare at him. I don’t know what to say because I don’t know what I feel. Am I still hung up on Josh? Or have I been lying to myself? Maybe I just wanted something I couldn’t have.

Could it be that I was just jealous of Keera? Josh and Keera were always so close, even when we were little kids. They had something, a bond, a friendship I just hadn’t shared with them. Our twin connection is different. But every time Josh was around, I felt left out. That was the reason I distanced myself from them in middle grade and through high school...but then I fell in love with Josh. And when he didn’t want me it was a sore point. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t let it go, held onto him, even when I’d known we’d never be.

“Hey.” Ben snaps me out of my thoughts. My gaze goes to his bicep right next to my face, his arms still caging me in.

Ben drops them immediately. But somehow, I still don’t move. I don’t know what he sees on my face, but when I lift my gaze to meet his eyes, I’m surprised to find determination there. Suddenly he looks ready to prove...what, I don’t know.

The way he looks at me has heat flaring through my body even harder than his touches in the yard. It’s pooling low in my belly. I’m afraid of what my eyes might show, but that feeling is fleeting too, quickly replaced by my pulse spiking when I find my desire reflected in his eyes.

I push myself on my tippy toes, almost losing my balance in my eagerness. But Ben’s arms wrap around my waist to steady me. He tilts his head, meeting me halfway, and our lips crash together so hard it shakes my whole body.

Suddenly I’m not thinking anymore. I can’t. This unexplored feeling is all there is. And heat rushes through me like a drug, setting me on fire. Everything inside me screams.

The kiss isn’t gentle, it’s passionate. Ben takes his sweet time exploring while I’m eager for any sensation. The way our lips move over each other feels like a dream. A kiss has never felt this good—almost too good— turned me on so, so much.

I’m afraid I may be too impatient, but he grunts when I nibble on his underlip. Ben takes a step forward, and we crash into the wall behind me. His leg’s resting between mine, and I use it as an excuse to hook mine around it.

His arms tense around me, but then he relaxes against me and our bodies align. My breasts aren’t large, but they feel so nice, so soft against the hardness of his pecs. My nipples pucker, and when he moves it feels like his muscles are everywhere I need them, just firm enough to elicit sensation.

The feeling is unexpected, shooting right to my clit.

Out of nowhere, I forget how to breathe and have to tear my mouth from Ben’s to gasp for air. “Oh my God,” I gasp out.

Ben’s breathing is heavier too, but that doesn’t stop him. He lets out a husky sound before covering my lips with his again. He cups my cheeks, and the sheer size of his hand is so insane, it feels like he’s covering half my face.

Ben tilts my head back and with soft pressure, he nudges my lips open. His tongue slips beneath mine, mingling.

His taste mixed with the male scent of him does crazy things to my head. It’s dizzying. There is no other explanation as to why I can’t help grinding against him right here right then. We’re still at the top of the stairs, in a hallway where everybody could see us. But then Ben’s canine edges along my lip and I forget all about it.

I try to soothe the wild tingling in my core, but I feel I’m playing with fire and only fan the flames. Yet I don’t stop until Ben wraps my other leg around his waist to lift me. One hand holds me up under my thigh, the other goes to my bottom to give it a tight squeeze before pressing me against the wall.

I moan in his mouth while he shamelessly uses the wall to push me up against him, only to press himself between my legs. Harder. Much harder. Now he’s the one doing the grinding, and I cannot help but love it. He’s so damn hard that he’s hitting just the right spot.

I ache.

I have to wrench our lips apart to gasp for breath again. Instead, I moan. Loud. “Ben.”

Then I mumble his name again, softer this time. I cup his face in my hands and run them over his cheeks and into his hair. It’s not silky soft. It’s resistive and so ruffled he looks like he just walked through a tornado.

Our gaze doesn’t leave each other for one second when I lean down to press my lips to his again, just to have my head fall back, lips unlooking. I pant when he keeps rubbing his hard length against my core. My dress rode up, so it’s just his jeans against my panties. That’s all that’s separating our flesh. And the stiff denim over his hard boner makes my clit pulse so intensely I feel it like thunderbolts striking through me.

More. More. More.

I’m close to screaming out I’m coming. Even though that isn’t even the case. It’s just that I've never felt anything like this. The intensity of what he makes me feel is crazy, doubtful normal. Maybe I’m losing my mind. Or maybe we really do have this insane chemistry. Or I might just be so close to orgasm that I start imagining things because suddenly I do feel like I could come like this. Just a few more thrusts of him, rubbing and grinding against me like that, that is all I need. I let out a tortured moan, signaling I’m close.

Ben returns the sound with a hiss, then moans into my lips. “Keera!”

I still. All heat vanishes, and I’m left bitter cold. All the thoughts I successfully suppressed finally rush back to my mind, and I have to try hard not to break down crying right here. Keera. He wants Keera.

He’s infatuated with her because unlike me, whom he barely knows, he’s met my sister quite a few times already. I’ve just had this talk with Josh. How could I be so foolish?

I stiffen under Ben’s touch and then try to wiggle out of his grip. I’m not successful, of course. He’s way too strong, but he doesn’t hold on to me or force me to stay still. He puts me down way more carefully than it’d have been if I’d managed to wiggle free. I’d probably hit the ground then. Hard.

I feel like I hit it regardless. Hard. So he might as well have let me if that’s the way I feel anyway.

My emotions are all over the place. And I know he can see. His expression transforms too, the heat long gone, replaced with confusion. And...concern?

“What?” He holds out a hand when I retreat. “K, what’s going on?”

I just shake my head. I know he deserves an explanation, but I can’t give it to him. Not now. Because just thinking about forming the words makes my throat close up. I’m not the girl you were looking for, I’m not the one you want.

God. I’m not going to cry over this.

He doesn’t close up on me, just looks me over, still waiting for me to say something.

Say anything, a voice screams in my head panicky. Give him anything, so he doesn’t think he’s done something wrong.

But I don’t know what to say. I can come up with nothing that would make the situation better. So I only shake my head again, fiercer this time. Then I turn around and hurry down the stairs before he can see my watery eyes.

It’s stupid to cry, of course. It’s just that...for once I’ve wanted something for myself. Someone who’d choose me over Keera. But it’s not fair to Ben since he doesn’t even know any of this. He doesn’t know the mess we’ve made. And I can’t tell him. Even if I could, it wouldn’t change a damn thing. He’d be out on his hunt to find the real Keera, and the knowledge of that would hurt even more.

Chapter Text

I don’t think I ever had a girl run from me. Ever.

Like in my whole life, I can’t recall a time when girls weren’t into me. Girls always thought I was cute. Even when I was still dressed in cheap clothing or worn hand-me-downs my mum got from Goodwill. Even when my nose was way too big for my face, and it still to several years before I’d grow into it. But it wasn’t the look, and it didn’t matter that we lived in a poorer part of the city. Girls were impressed by the poise that everyone that age lacked but hockey had given me.

My first kiss was at only eleven if you would call that a kiss. But I used some heavy tongue at just thirteen right before my father died. I didn’t even have to work for it. The girl I was strolling in the park with literally backed me up against a tree and kissed me.

It’s not just the running-from-me part that messed with my head. She ran away after our kiss. Or after our kisses, to be precise. And I can’t for the life of me figure out why.

I know she was into it. I could feel it. I mean she ground against my cock pretty firmly. Like she wanted me to fuck her right there in the middle of the hallway. God knows I thought about it. But now I’m relieved I didn’t start any attempts. She’d have probably kneeled me in the balls.

“Are you still deep in your thoughts about crazy lady?” Will asks, annoying the shit out of me with yet another nickname he came up with for K. He’s got the side of his face prepped against the back of the bus seat in front of his, so he can give me an insufferable grin from the side.

We won our first game and everyone is pumped up. Maybe I have to thank K for that anyhow. Because I took all my frustration out on our opponents.

Next week we’ll be playing Hewn College, though, and I just know it’s not going to go this well. It sours my mood further.

“Are you still hung up on that Grill girl who was over you the second she left your bed?” I shoot back. “Bet her bed isn’t so cold anymore.”

Will’s grin drops immediately, and I fight the guilty feeling in my gut. He had that comment coming. Not that it was true. Will might’ve not realized it, but Gemma had been looking over almost every time she could be sure Will wouldn’t catch her. And something on her face had me looking out for it. She looked miserable. Almost guilty. Well, she and I have that in common now.

Will retorts swiftly, “At least I’m not running after someone who does nothing except turn me down.”

“Didn’t feel like that when K ground against my dick.”

“Didn’t feel like that when I had my dick in Gemma, either.”

“Still both ran from you,” Griff chimes in amused, his head appearing over our backrest. “You ladies need a lesson on how to make a girl stay?”

We both snarl at him, but he only laughs. “Stop the sour faces, we’re back in half an hour, then we get you two fucked. And I’m talking about getting you wasted and laid.”

But I can’t stop thinking of that kiss with K. I’m not sure any girl could cast out the memory. Models or movie stars could be bouncing on my dick, and I’d probably still think of that damned kiss.

Fuck. I can’t believe I finally got the sexual tension back I missed ever since our first encounter and craved all the time I talked to K last week, and then she just ran off.

“That’s the spirit,” Will agrees. He turns, then nods towards me. “Just so you know I’m not interested in Gemma. I had her, and I don’t care to relive that. And even if it were different, I wouldn’t be running after some plain Jane who just wants to be chased.”

“That makes one of us then,” I counter bitterly.

Griff laughs at my expression and shrugs his broad shoulder. “Maybe it’ll be worth it if you finally catch up to her.”

I sigh, “We’ll see.”

“What’s so special about her anyway?” Will asks. This time without any banter.

I let my gaze move to the front of the bus, but everyone is still messing around and no one’s paying attention to us. Poe and Finn sit closest to us, but they’ve got their hands huddled together, speaking quietly.

The rookies are so energetic after the game their more screaming in each other’s faces than having an actual conversation.

Deluca is trying to sell some bullshit he just made up to some of them, and Batsy tries his hardest to keep a straight face to not give him away while being incredibly close to cracking up every second.

And Burgdoff...well, Burgdoff is a moron like always. He’s busy making tiny balls from his napkin, he dips them into his chocolate milk before throwing them at everyone.

It’s clear no one is paying attention to us, so I allow myself to be honest with Griffin and Will.

I rake a hand through my hair. “I don’t know. I can’t describe it. There is just something between us. Like a spark? I don’t know. Sexual tension, but more than that. That kiss was explosive.”

Griffin and Will exchange a long, knowing look.

They have known each other since the day Griffin was born because their fathers are friends from Harvard. Both hockey players and business majors. And their loyal sons, of course, followed in their footsteps.

Sometimes I’m a little jealous of their connection. Griffin’s father died too and that bonded us in a way that not everyone can understand. But Will and Griffin are more like brothers than actual friends, they’re family. Something the poor boy sent to a rich school by his new stepdad will never be.

“What is that look about?” I ask them annoyed. When they do it again, I almost lose it. “Do you honestly don’t think I can see that? I know you long enough. I know you’re thinking something you don’t want to tell me.”

“Only because we don’t want you to freak out. You always do that because you can’t fucking relax for the life of you,” Will snaps back at me.

“Freak out about what?” I laugh.

“You sound smitten,” Griffin finally says and sighs deeply. “When you talk about K you sound smitten with her.”

“I’m not,” I disagree harsher than necessary. “I barely know her. That’s ridiculous. I’m merely saying our connection is amazing. Talking sexual. We have chemistry. I just think smashing would be bomb.”

“Smashing would be bomb,” Will parrots with an annoying smirk on his face, but I couldn’t give a shit what he thinks about my less-than-flowery phrasing.

I shrug. “That’s the only reason I’m still after her. And okay maybe because of my ego too. A little bit.”

They share a look that tells me I have been denying it a little too hard for them to take it seriously, but they don’t point it out.  

“If you say so,” is all Will says to that before sliding on his headphones. He doesn’t want to deal with my shit anymore, and I can’t blame him.

“What?” I snap at G because other than Will he doesn’t seem to want to let me get off the hook so easily.

Griff shrugs. “It’s just that I know you, Ben. Your ego isn’t fragile. It might’ve never been put to the test, but you sure could take it. And you don’t do games. You hate to play around. In my life, I have never seen you chase after anybody. So I’m just wondering why you’re so damn obsessed with her.”

I narrow my eyes at him. My tone’s challenging when I ask him, “Why? So you can talk me out of it and go for her in my stead?”

“You know I’d never do that, Ben.” That’s the first time he sounds mildly angry. “Jesus, what about this girl makes you lose your mind?”

I sigh with regret, “I’m sorry, G. I didn’t even mean it. I don’t know why I’m so jealous when it comes to her. I heard you talked to her at the party, but you didn’t mention it, so I thought...I don’t know what I thought.”

Griffin’s eyes widen. “I hope it wasn’t that I would go for your girl because I would never ever do that.”

“She’s not my girl, though.”

“She will be. If you set your mind on something you always get it.”

“She’s a girl, not a thing.”

Griffin grins. “Aw, my momma would be proud of you.”

“Shut up.”

“Want to know what I talked to her about?”

“Yes,” I answer too swiftly, and Griffin’s lips twitch, but then he recites the conversation almost word by word. Since we had a game today none of us drank more than two beers at the frat party last night, so his memory’s fresh.

“I did see her with Romeo’s jacket, but why would she forget that she dropped off his good luck charm instead? That was only a few days ago.”

 G wrinkles his forehead. “I have no idea. It felt like she was a different person. Wholly different to the one who turned you down, and the one who dropped off Josh’s shit.”

My eyes almost bulge out of my head when Griff grimaces and grudgingly has to admit, “I get it now: why you asked her about her mental state, okay? Maybe you were onto something with that split personality thing.”

I sigh. “Please don’t agree with Wills’s assumptions about her being crazy.”

“Or maybe she is schizophrenic.” Griffin’s grin underlines that he doesn’t really mean it, so that’s at least something. Now he’s just yanking my chain by throwing my words back in my face. I just knew I was never going to live that one down.

But I still can’t stop thinking about it. Not about her having a serious mental disorder. More about her acting all strange and different every time I meet her. And then there are the things she doesn’t remember. Like when I mentioned I saw her cry, she looked vexed. The good luck charm too.

I have to find out what’s going on with this girl. And if she’s seriously ill then I need to at least get her some help.

There is somthing you have to see. Kappa Phi House.ASAP.

I stare at the text message. Why is Tim so weird? He isn’t even a practically good friend of mine. One good party friend, Deluca would say now. Whatever. I text back: Can’t. Out with the team. We won.

Bout your girl.

More information?

He doesn’t answer that, and an ugly feeling twists my gut. What if he saw K with someone else? I can’t show up like a maniac, accusing her of infidelity. We just kissed. It was a damn good kiss. But still, just a kiss. I fucked girls and picked someone else up the next day. There’s no way I can storm in there and start pommeling the guy she’s making out right now... or can I?

Jesus. I can’t believe I’m pondering over an imaginative scenario. Maybe the guys are right, maybe I’m trying too hard. They are right about me not being the type to run after a girl. The problem is if her signals were clearer it would be easier for me to stop.

Why can’t I stop?

Fuck.

I’m seriously contemplating this when Tim finally deigns to text back.

Cant. You gotta see ffrt yrself!!!

Fuck it. “Head for the Kappa house.”

Will’s head snaps up. “What the fuck do you want there? Here are hot girls too.”

I show him and Griffin the conversation, and G grins knowingly while Will makes a face. “Fuck that, and fuck her.”

“I intend to,” I say and someone hoots in return. “No really, get your asses up. We’re going to the Kappa house.”

Will scowls, and I cock a brow with a daring look. “What’s your problem? Gemma there again?”

Will is already quite drunk, so he slurs, “I got no fucking idea where that bitch spends her time. Probably somewhere it’s sinister, like her heart. And black. Like her soul.”

“Okay,” Griff stretches the world while he hurls him up by one arm. “Captain says Kappa Phi, so we're going Kappa Phi.”

“Why aren’t you ever such a good wingman for me?”

“Because you don’t need one, Mister blue eyes.”

The boys laugh, so I turn to them, scolding one in particular. “What? It’s true. Ain’t it, Basty? Or do you have to play the hockey royalty card to get the panties to drop?”

“No comment,” he laughs.

“That he learned from Daddy too,” Deluca teases. “He’s most likely to practice how to answer reporters every day in front of the mirror.”

Laughter erupts. Even more when Batsy counters, “At least I’m not observing my perfect biceps.”

“Aw, you think it’s perfect? Thanks, babe.”

Finn and Poe almost curl over each other in laughter but realize at the last moment and keep a respectful distance.

Batsy flips Deluca off. My mood is down, but I can’t help but grin at their bickering.

When we finally arrive at Kappa house, passing almost all of Greek Row on foot, which my tipsy and drunk teammates complain about the whole way, the party is at its peak.

Tim waits for me on the lawn because I sent him a text we’re coming. When he sees me, he stumbles over to us, visually intoxicated. He grabs my shoulder. “Dude, you gotta see that.”

“What?” I ask annoyed. I’m slowly losing my patience. I made my way here. I dragged my whole team here. And he still doesn’t fucking tell me what’s going on.

“Therestwoofthem.”

“What?”

“There’s two of them.”

“What the fuck do you mean with that?”

Tim just leads me through the house. It’s packed with people. Every second one tries to talk to me, girls bat their eyes, but I stop for no one. Not even to say hello to the guys I know and am cool with. Asher Thorne, a football player slaps my back, and I’m shorty distracted when I answer with a friendly nod.

Then it happens. I lose Tim in the crowd. I have no idea in which direction he went, and the Victorian-style house is so big it doesn’t make sense to go look for him, so instead, I start searching for K directly.

Maybe I should have pulled Josh along, but he’d probably just try to lure his precious friend away from me again. That fucking Judas.

I searched the whole house twice, okay maybe just downstairs, but still I don’t—I catch a glimpse of Keera heading to the backyard. It’s almost always the moment you start complaining, I think and follow outside. But when I make it to the porch she’s gone again. I’m close to screaming out loud in frustration.

Then I make out the back of her head again and fly down the stairs, confidently striding towards her. Only...my steps slow when I realize she’s buried in the chest of some baseball dude.

No, that can’t be her.

But that is her.

I can see her profile. At least the part he’s not sucking off her face.

Jealousy rushes through me like a spike of adrenaline. Or maybe it’s both. I’m no longer in control of my body. I know I shouldn’t, but my fists raise on their own.

“Ben.”

The voice snaps me back to consciousness. I turn at the sound of her and stare directly into K’s face, then right back at the girl in baseball dude’s arms. She loosens from him and her eyes widen when she sees me, then go almost instantly back to the other K.

Fuck.

Sisters.

No. Twins.

Tim’s words make sense at the worst fucking time.

I’m about to lose my shit.

“What the fuck is going on here?” I shout out.

I’m well aware we’ve got a crowd. I just don’t fucking care. I’m furious. And my blood pressure rises with each minute. The worst about this is anyone who looks at me can tell.

I look like an idiot.

Fooled.

Fucking fool.

Tim stumbles through the crowd, and I hear him yell. “Two of them. Told you, there’s two of them.”

He did. That shitfaced asshole could have been just a little more precise about it though. Something like: Hey Ben, your girl has a twin. You know that, don’t you? Oh, you don’t. But you do know which one you’re trying to get with, though, right? Good hunting.

“Ben,” the girl behind me says again, her voice is a little smaller this time. She touches my arm, tugging me towards her. I don't have to take more than one look at her to figure out she is the real one. The one I wanted from the start.

Now that I see them next to each other the difference is obvious. They’re like night and day. Maybe they look the same, but they’re not the same type.

Our gazes lock and I state, “You’re the one I kissed yesterday.”

She gulps, then nods. Her cheeks are bright red. She’s ashamed to do this in front of a crowd. But what the hell did she expect? Leading me on without being confronted about it?

“You don’t have to justify yourself,” Girl with baseball dude at her side calls out to her sister.

“Yes, she fucking does,” Will chimes in just as Griffin says, “She owes him an explanation.”

Griffin steps up to us and crosses his big arms in front of an even bigger chest. The girl doesn’t bat an eye at him. “You have been...I don’t even know what to call it, twin switching on him?”

Her lips curl into a cruel smile. “We call it a twin trick.”

“Damn, Ben got twins,” someone in the crowd calls and a few morons hoot at that. It’s obvious I haven’t got shit.

“You’ve been fucking with me,” I accuse. I hate that I sound so perplexed. I don’t mean to state that I’m too smart to be tricked or they’re too dumb, but that’s clearly the way she’s taking it in.

“Actually, none of us has been fucking you.” Her eyes twinkle with delight. She’s amused. She’s enjoying this. Just a little too much for me.

And that just fuels my anger. “Well, at least one of you came dangerously close to.”

At that, I think girl with the baseball dude is going to jump in my face, but her twin soothes her. “It’s okay, Keera.”

Keera. As in... “You’re K?”

She only cocks a brow, like I should’ve figured that one out by now. I don’t fucking care about her anyway. I turn to her sister, the girl that rocked my world with one kiss. She’s been awfully quiet since she stopped me smashing in baseball dude’s face.

I’m not entirely sure I can keep the disappointment and frustration about this whole mess of a situation off my face, and she winces when she sees. Did she truly think I wouldn’t be upset about her keeping the truth from me?

“What’s your name?” I ask.

She blinks like that is the last question she would have been expecting. It surprises me too. “It’s Rey.”

“Rey,” I repeat so softly I’m immediately embarrassed. That girl fucked with my head. I huff and let all my anger flow in the next words. “Why did you pull that shit on me, Rey?”

Feels weird asking her the same question again, but this time in a completely different context. One that makes me sick to my stomach. I think she sees it on my face because she winces again. But my respect for her increases when she clears her throat meets my gaze and then answers me without shying away from my demanding eyes once.  

“I’m so sorry, Ben. I know you can’t believe that right now, but it was a misunderstanding. Somebody tagged my sister in that post, and when assumptions were made about what happened that night, she wanted to protect me from people calling me a...a...”

“Whore?” I help out pleasantly, and she winces again.

She straightens quickly though like she can shake it off, but her shrug is unconvincing. “Yeah, I guess. I didn’t know you were...uhm, trying to find me or that you talked to my sister until Josh told me.”

“And you didn’t think to tell me then?” I ask icily. She must’ve known when we ran into each other in front of the robotic club, at least I’m pretty sure that was her...unless it wasn’t. No, I think I’m almost positive it was her. And if it was why didn’t she tell me then?

Rey looks almost frantic now, wringing her hands, stepping closer, and reaching out for me, but never quite finding the courage to touch. “That would’ve meant blowing her cover, and I didn’t know what you were going to do with the information. I didn’t even know which one of us you wanted.”

Her voice turns higher at the end, and I see the hurt in her eyes. I also remember her running off after I called her by her sister’s name. So that’s the reason she fled. Well, that does explain a lot. And I know I could use that to hurt her now. Hurt her as she hurt me. But I can't quite bring myself to lie and say I wanted her sister. But I also can’t not try to hurt her.

My chest feels tight, too tight, I need to dish out to get rid of this sickening feeling ASAP.

So I sigh deeply, shrug, and say, “Yeah, me neither.”

With that, I turn around and leave.

Briefly, I see pain flash in her eyes before she hides it behind her dropping gaze. Then she bites her lip to keep herself from saying some more.

I wish I hadn’t seen that. I wish I hadn’t seen her bite her lip or blink away the tears. And I certainly wish, I had never seen the pain in her eyes when I implied, I didn’t want her.

I wish I hadn’t said it. It doesn’t even make me feel better. Gosh, I wish I didn’t hurt her just to soothe my pain. I feel a lot shitier now anyway. And making her almost cry makes it a lot harder to walk away from her.

Why couldn’t I have just left? Why do I want to comfort her now? I’m lucky that I am still so fueled with anger that my pride won’t let me or I’d make a fool of myself by trying to console her, worse than she already did.

Fuck.

I wish I never met her.

Chapter Text

Will and I lie sprawled out on the big U-shaped leather couch while Poe and Pruitt play Warzone on their computers while Deluca and Batsy are playing on the TV, battling each other in a bunch of video games. They started with Xbox, now they’re at Wii. From Mario Kart to Wii sports.

I must admit I’ve never seen something quite as funny as two high-profile college athletes trying their best at such a stupid game, hopping around in the living room trying to hit an imaginary tennis ball.

I hear the front door open and Will straightens to see who’s coming in. His face darkens, and I instantly know who it is.

Well, this conversation is overdue anyway. Taking apart our garden furniture has done little to ease my aggression anyway.

“Hey, Rookie. Come in here,” Will calls, and a second later Josh appears.

“What’s up?” he asks.

“Where’ve you been?” Will eyes him suspiciously.

“I wasn’t aware we’ve got a curfew.” Josh acts like a defiant teenager, but I can’t blame him. Will’s being a dick. And I’m a dick for sitting here and enjoying the show.

I’ll stop him.

Just a little bit longer.

“Why aren’t you answering, Romeo? Been on a hot date with Juliet?” Will crosses his arms in front of his broad chest, and I see his bicep flex. He probably hopes this will turn into a physical fight.

Josh sees it too and retaliates with a defiant look. He better not piss off Will right now because I don’t know if I would stop him if a fight breaks out. Not right away, anyhow. I might let him land a good hit or two before I’d step in. And one’s for sure, Will’s going to beat up Josh, not the other way around. 

Finn, Deluca, and Batsy must sense the tension in the room because they all pause their games to watch the exchange. Probably waiting for shit to go down.

“None of your business,” Josh snaps at Will.

A muscle ticks in Will’s jaw. He has never been known for his patience. Dude spends more time in the penalty box than any of us, even more than Reus and that’s saying something. Although it is a near thing.

“Tell me one thing, Rookie, do you know what a team is?” Will asks, his face blushed with anger. Josh stays quiet. “Because you don’t seem to. So let me explain the basics to you. It means we’re sticking together, on and off the ice. And when you know of two stupid whores—”

“Don’t call them that! Ever!” Josh growls. He steps closer, flexing his muscles too now, and I must say that I’m impressed at the sheer amount of stupid bravery because if Josh wants to fight, he’s going to go down.

Will might be a rich boy from Cherry Hills Village, but he’s been alone all his life. He’s got the worst temper I’ve ever witnessed.

“Let me rephrase, then,” Will offers pleasantly. “So when you know of two dumb bitches—”

Josh’s jumps Will, who’s promptly at his feet. I admire Will’s restraint right then because the way he puts Josh flat on his ass was more embarrassing to Josh than painful.

Still, that’s my cue to get involved as the team captain. I take my time with getting up and positioning myself between them though.

“That’s enough,” I say. I see the deadly glares they’re still giving each other and repeat louder, “That’s enough now.”

Josh gives me one last glare and turns to stalk out.

What. A. Dramatic. Bitch.

I straighten, angrier than Will. Because the truth is I’m still beat up about everything that went down yesterday. Maybe I could have shaken it off if it were any other girl playing me. Any other girl but Rey.

Fuck.

I growl after Josh, “I didn’t say you could leave, Rookie.”

“What?” He turns around, furious.

I sigh. I can’t blame him. If Will hadn’t insulted Keera and Rey, then maybe I wouldn’t have gotten between them and instead watched the fight. But Will wanted the fight, and I’m not sure it’s because of me. Maybe that Grill girl Gemma fooled him and that’s why he’s so angry it happened to me too.

“Do you want to be part of the team, Romeo?” I ask it without any emotion. I’m proud of myself for leaving my anger out of this.

He grits his teeth. “Yes.”

“Then put the team first,” I say sternly.

“That had nothing to do with the team,” Josh objects strongly.

The front door clicks shut, and then there are footsteps.

“Hey, guys, your favorite’s back.” Finn jumps into the room with Griffin, then halts when he senses the tension. His gaze instantly finds Poe’s and they communicate silently.

“What is it? What did I miss?” Griffin asks because he doesn’t have a soulmate with a silent conversation-skill connection.

Will goes on as if nothing happened while G’s eyes shoot between the three of us, just like the rest of the team does.

Deluca says, “Yes, it did. Your team captain looked like a fool, something you could have prevented. This means you made him the fool, or you helped those girls make him one. That’s a no on team spirit.”

Batsy for once doesn’t laugh, but solemnly nods his head in agreement.

Poe coughs to call attention to him, then says, “I don’t want to interject, but I think we all know that wasn’t Romeo’s intention, right?”

Josh nods one hard time, face still harsh but clearly relieved by some support.

“Yeah, come on. All this for a woman?” Finn supports Poe.

I wouldn’t expect Poe or Finn to understand that since they clearly only have eyes for each other.

“Just making sure he knows for the future.” Will shrugs.

“You wanna go to the Frozen Four?” I ask Josh directly.

Josh nods again.

“We—” I point at myself, Griffin, and Will, “got us there. The last two years. This year we’re going to win. If you stand in the way of that, of this team being a real team, you’re out. Understood?”

Josh nods a third time. “Understood.”

“Okay, then I’m ready to forget it. Are you?” I hold out my hand, and he grabs it. We shake hands.

Deuluca turns to Josh and asks, “Just out of curiosity, which one have you been with tonight?”

Josh blinks and we all stare at Deluca in disbelief. Here I was thinking I made myself clear about the topic not being brought up again.

Josh gives me an appraising look, and I shrug, trying to appear casual. As though I didn’t care, but the truth is I want to know too.

“I was out with K, but no funny business. We’re just friends. Always have been,” Josh finally says.

“Now that is a flat-out lie,” Deluca remarks, giggling like a schoolgirl. Batsy swears to God he’s a lie detector, and he must be right because somehow he always knows everything about everyone. Then again, those two are also in everyone's business. Dudes are nosy bastards.

Josh seems to be taken aback by his claim, and that’s all I need to know for confirmation. Although that’s none of my damn business anymore, I’m dying to know if there ever was something between him and Rey too.

Still, I find myself saying, “None of our business, Deluca.” I turn to Josh. “You don’t have to answer that. Or anybody.”

He sighs, rubbing his nape. “It’s harder when you’re being nice.” He looks to the ground, clearly ashamed, then makes himself meet my gaze. “I’m sorry. I haven’t apologized yet. I should’ve said something. I knew from the start.”

“Why didn’t you?” I hear myself ask, though I promised not to dig deeper into that mess. I cross my arms in front of my chest.

Josh hasn’t been on the team for long, but even he knows how it works. We’ve got each other’s backs on and off the ice.

“I grew up with them and their older brother, though I think you know that already.” His gaze slips to Will. “They are my family. So don’t talk ill about them.”

His eyes stay on Will as if he wants to remind him of that after his insults. Will doesn’t look like he’s feeling particularly bad about it.

Josh goes on, “But I’ve always been closer to K. She’s outgoing and brave. She’s always looked after Rey, and when I found out what happened I went to confront her. I admit that I was way too harsh about it. K went in my face about it later, and what I got from it is that it was solely her idea. Should have known that’s what happened. She’s very protective of Rey. So after she saw that pic and was confronted about it by her friends she made something up, talked about you, you see, Rey couldn’t have said anything without K getting busted.” He pauses. “I don’t know if you knowing this helps.”

“It doesn’t but thanks.” Though I don’t know if I can stay mad at Rey after what I just heard. I give Josh an appreciating nod. Then turn to the rest, “Now we should all go to bed early, we have a practice tomorrow.”

The living room clears and everybody’s heading upstairs, all too happy to flee the awkward atmosphere. But Will and G stay behind.

Will gives me a thorough once over. “You alright?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” I sound testy. I have been since yesterday. Because the worst part of all this: I still think about Rey. In fact, I can’t stop thinking about her, and I sure tried.

Very slowly and very painfully a sick truth makes itself known. I still want her. Fuck.

Will holds up his hands, signaling peace. “Don’t want you to be distracted at the game with Hewn College next weekend. It’s only in a few days. And she got under your skin. That is all.”

Like Gemma? But I don’t say that.

“I won’t be,” I promise tersely.

Will and G sigh in unison, then Griffin adds, “Maybe talking to her would help. You heard Josh, it wasn’t her idea, and you said that she ran off right after you called her by her sister's name.” He rubs his nape. “Doesn’t sound like that’s what she wanted either way.”

“How would you know? You talked to her how many times? Once, twice if you count the one time when you were shitfaced at the field party.”

“That’s not what he’s referring to, and I agree with him.”

“No offense, Will, but—”

Griffin cuts in, “Actually, I’ve been talking to her today. Saw her briefly when I brought my sister new tampons.” Will snorts, and Griffin gives him a death glare. “What?”

“Nothing,” Will sing-songs. “I love how secure you are in your masculinity.”

“I am, thank you very much.”

“You're welcome.”

Griff grins at him. “You could use some of it. I don’t mind sharing, could lend you some of mine, and then you could try to go and buy tampons. Don’t worry if it takes time building up the courage.”

Will snorts louder. “Asshole.”

“Guys.” I stop their bickering and turn to G. “What did you want to say?”

He shrugs. “Not much, just that I talked to her, and she said she was sorry.”

I stare at him in utter disbelief. “She apologized to you?”

He shakes his head. “No, said she was sorry about you.”

“Then why hasn’t she told me herself?”

“She did at the party,” Will chimes in. “I was fucked up, but her whining, I remember.”

I glare at him.

“What do you expect her to come here after you practically suggested that you aren’t sure which twin you would want if it comes down to it?” Griff raises an eyebrow, mouth twitching as if he thinks I’m an idiot.

My face darkens. “It was pretty clear which one I want.”

“Not to her,” Will chimes in again. “Never to women. They’re completely oblivious when it comes to this. You need to write pretty, flowery poems. Or better sing them to her while you ride on a white horse down to her dorm room.”

G laughs at me. “What did you say again, smashing would be bomb?” He shares an amused look with Will, then tells me, “You could start right there.”

“You guys fuck off already.”

But Will already clears his throat and singsongs, “Rey, my dear, you fucked with my head, but I want to fuck you instead.”

“So bad.” G goes to do the second voice.

“So, let’s go to bed. I make you forget the best you’ve ever had.”

“Had,” Griff echoes.

“Guys, that’s enough now.”

Will keeps on, “I never wanted your sister. I’m the one for you, your mister. I don’t care that she’s prettier, our sexual tension is snappier. I really think...” He looks at G and they both end in unison with, “Smashing would be bomb.”

They end with their hands held high above their heads as if they gave the performance of their lives, grinning like idiots.

“I hate you.”

“You love us.”

“I hate you.” 

The problem is, although I know they are right, my head won’t be in the game unless I talk this out with Rey, I can’t bring myself to do so. I see her around campus all week, and every time our gazes meet she flushes and flees, and every time I see her I stop mid-movement, turn around, and walk away.

It takes me until right before our next game to finally find the courage to go to her, so I can suffer a final rebuff by her for the last time.

Chapter Text

It’s early as hell when it knocks on my door. I know because I can only open one eye as I glimpse at my radio alarm clock. I hate my sister sometimes. No, I don’t want to start my morning by running a few miles, especially on the weekends, thank you very much. It is a Saturday goddamn.

I drag my feet to the door, rubbing the grit out of my eyes. Yawning while I open up. “Keera I—”

I stop right there. Because it isn’t Keera standing in front of me.

I rub my eyes harder, but when the small dots disappear and come to a picture together again, he’s still standing there. Full athletic wear, the one they wear on game days. His name and number are on the back. Under the badge on his chest too. Over it the university lettering reads: Arcryn U.

And right under it: Ben Solo.

“Hi,” he says, taking in my appearance. “Or rather, morning. I probably woke you up.”

“Probably?” I can’t believe he’s standing in my dorm. On my floor. In front of my door.

“Late riser?”

“It’s nine in the morning, that’s hardly late,” I object.

“But ten is and since you’d still be sleeping if I wouldn’t have woken you up...” He grins.

God, his grin is magnificent. I don’t want to think about how I look. But of course, now I do. I panic and slam the door shut in his face.

“Wait! What the... Rey?” I hear from the outside.

“Wait a second,” I call out maniacally. “Please!”

I run into my bathroom, look in the mirror, and groan. Shit. I’m never going to open up my door if I don’t know who it is ever again. I brush my teeth and hair swiftly, wash my face by splattering water on my face and drying off with a towel.

I falter when I glance at the mascara. I don’t want him to think I made an effort for him. But I do want to.

Shit.

I take it and only go over my lashes twice. They look darker now, but not long and luscious. Then I even smack on some lip balm while I head back to the door, throwing the stick to the side before I open up again.

His smile grows brighter when he takes me in. “You dolled up for me?”

I blush. “No, I just brushed my hair and teeth... washed my face.”

“Then the water does a lot for your lips. All pink and ready to be kissed. I’m digging it,” he teases me with his head tilted to the side awfully endearing.

I freeze. Shit. I must’ve taken the tinted lip balm. I blush harder and hope my face, at least, stays unreadable. I clear my throat. “My lips were dry.”

“Somehow I can help with that?”

My body gets warm and painfully tingly at the memory of stolen kisses upstairs in the middle of a party. My heart picks up a beat, but I try to calm it down. He may be teasing, but he wouldn’t just show up... for that.

“That’s not why you’re here.” That’s plainly obvious. “You’re on your way to a game.”

“Yes,” he admits. Though there’s nothing to admit. “The boys want me to keep my head in the game today.”

“Why wouldn’t you?” I frown.

“Because I can’t stop thinking about you.” He sees my burning face and coughs slightly. “About what happened, I mean. I need to know. May I come in?”

He’s being polite. That means he’s not trying to get back at me, is he? Still, I need to apologize. Telling Griffin I feel bad about how things went down after unexpectedly finding him on the dorm floor when he was bringing his sister tampons isn’t sufficient. Even I know that.

I open the door wider and let him in. There is no one else up yet, but I close the door regardless for privacy.

“Griff was right, your PJs are cute.” He grins and even pulls off a wink while pointing at my donut PJs.

My face heats. Damn. Couldn’t I have put on something else, literally anything else while he was waiting outside? Of course, I didn’t think of that because I only checked my face for awfully big, gross pimples and terrible morning breath.

Ben sets down his gym bag with the school emblem on it and looks around in my small room. There’s only enough space for a wardrobe and a study desk beside my bed. His eyes linger on the TV. “You’re watching the miracle?”

“I was last night. I fell asleep.” I must’ve wanted to turn the TV off and accidentally hit the stop button instead. The faces of exhausted hockey players are frozen on the screen.

“God, I love that scene, that movie. How could you fall asleep during it?” he looks at me with accusing eyes.

“I saw it a hundred times, it’s my brother’s favorite.”

“Ah, hockey fan?” he grins.

“Yeah,” I answer vaguely, trying to change the topic.

But before I can, he asks, “Watcher or player?”

I gulp. If I don’t answer it makes everything worse. I already kept a family member hidden once. I don’t know why he’s here, but if he’s ready to hear my apology he might be ready to forgive me too. But he won’t forgive me a second time if he finds out about Dean. And he will because he’s going to play Hewn College soon. And with soon I mean today. They didn’t play them yet. Which changes today. The bus leaves in a little bit. And he shouldn’t even be here talking to me.

“He’s a player,” I say and pause. Until now he doesn’t know if my brother is older or younger. He could be a high school hockey player. So I add, “At college too. At Hewn College.”

Ben’s brows raise, eyes going wide. He’s clearly surprised. “He’s at Hewn College?”

Something about his tone makes me regret opening up. I should have told him later. But that ship sailed, so instead, I add, “He’s team captain. Um, like you. It’s Dean. Dean’s my brother.”

We’re just standing there, staring. Then Ben lets out a laugh like I’m pranking him, which...is fair after everything, but not what I expected. When I don’t echo his laugh, he stops and frowns.

Ben speaks in a tone that isn’t nearly as pleasant as it was earlier. “You’re fucking with me again, aren’t you? That’s not funny. Especially right before a game.”

“No, I just didn’t mean to tell you right now. But you asked, and I...I just didn’t want you to have a reason to think I’m untruthful... again.” I hear my voice echo in my head, and I cannot believe I sound this weak and squeaky. Pathetic. “Listen, Ben, I am so, so sorry about how everything went down. I never meant to deceive you, I just tried...I wanted—”

He holds up a hand, and I’m happy to shut up. “I know, your sister already talked to her friends about me, and you didn’t want them to think her a liar. Josh told me all that.”

“Then why are you here?” I stare perplexed at him.

“I wanted to hear it from you. I thought I needed to hear the words come from you. But I don’t. I believe you.”

He makes a move to the door, but I step in his way. Because contrary to what he said, nothing is solved, and nothing feels right.

I ask, “Then why do you look upset?”

“Because you having a twin sister obviously wasn’t the only thing you weren’t telling me.”

“We didn’t exactly talk, Ben.”

He rakes a hand through his hair. “Yes, about that. I should have known before your brother is a hockey player too.”

“Why, does it bother you that much?”

He laughs dryly. “Because it changes things, Rey.”

I stare at him in awe, and for a moment I can’t say anything at all. Not because of his accusing tone, but of the way my name sounds from the tip of his tongue. The way he uses it is almost like it’s completely normal. As if he uses it on a regular. As if he never mistook me for my sister, or her for me. As if there always has been just...me.

His eyes speak a different language though. He is clearly more than pissed. I can’t help feeling I made everything worse.  

“Ben, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He lets out a laugh that doesn’t sound amused. He sounds bitter this time. “Of course, you don’t.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Come on now, Rey.” He sighs as though he’s tired. Maybe he’s tired of me. But I can’t for the life of me figure out where this change of heart is coming from. He studies my face and then adds, “It just seems too convenient for Hewn College that you and your sister are messing with my head, switching on me or how did you call it...Ah, right, a twin trick. And now you tell me that your brother’s Dean, Hewn’s fucking team Captain. Right before the game. All coincidence? I think not.”

“You came here to see me, Ben,” I remind him. I don’t see where he’s going with this.

“Just tell me one thing,” he says sternly, “Is Dean that scared of not winning the Frozen Four this year?”

I stare at him. And at last the penny drops. I blink slowly in realization. “You think I’m trying to distract you or something?”

“Or something,” he parrots and snorts. “Your words. Not mine.”

“Sure they were yours. You implied them,” I accuse.

He crosses his arms in front of his broad chest. “Then tell me I’m wrong.”

“You’re wrong,” I almost shout.

He laughs. “You’re a nice little actress, I’ll give you that.”

I narrow my eyes. “If you honestly believe that, I want you out of my room right fucking now.”

He gives me a hard nod and turns around.

Shit.

This is not what I wanted. I didn’t expect him to actually leave. And I don’t want him to really go. I want us to work this out, but I don’t know what to do. I just know that if he leaves this time it will be for good. He won’t come back.

Before he reaches the door, I grab his wrist and pull so hard he stumbles around. It’s more surprise than anything considering he is twice my size, my everything. But his head sinks as he tries to regain his balance, and I grab his face and press my mouth to his.

I don’t have any expectations.

I didn’t plan to do this after all, but fuck, I am. I’m kissing him. And he’s kissing me back.

Again, I didn’t have any expectations, but now that I’m doing it, I kinda expect him to push me from him. Instead, his arms wrap around my waist, and I stumble forward, pressing him against the door at his back. I loop my arms around his neck and pull at his head until he lowers it even more. My lips part for him, and he pushes his tongue so deep down my throat I can taste him everywhere. And good God, I like it.

The kiss isn’t soft at all or even playful like the first one. Passionate like it, but much rougher. My body melts against his until we align.

It should be unpleasant, but while his tongue is deep in me, he isn’t swiveling it around aimlessly. He’s pushing, pressing, licking just the right spots.

My god, oral from this man...

His hands are in my hair, fingers interwoven with loose strands. He pulls at my nape carefully until my lips fall from his. His eyes are on fire, smoldering really, and if I couldn’t just feel how hard he is by being pressed against the fly of his pants, I could tell by looking into his eyes.

Our faces stay only inches apart, and he’s talking directly into my mouth, “Are you truly hot for this, or are you just doing your brother a solid?”

My eyes widen, which he takes as a sign of me getting caught. He makes a bitter face. “Shit, you really are convincing as fuck, little actress. Whoring yourself out. Tell me, would you blow me if I’d miss the bus and the game for it?”

I’d have blown him if he’d just asked for it. No bargain. Anywhere. Anytime. But that was before he said that.

I slide out of his grip and stare at him utterly disappointed, completely crushed. I manage to keep the tears at bay. I take a deep breath. “I want you to leave now.”

I grab the door handle behind him and push the door open.

For a second he just stands there, studying me. Then he shakes his head as disappointed as I feel. “I can’t believe you fooled me again. I had it coming this time, though. My bad.”

He looks so torn that I almost try to convince him how wild his guess is. How wrong. But my pride won’t let me. If this is truly what he thinks of me he has no business getting into my pants. I have no business letting him, although my traitorous body screams, wanting it nonetheless.

Ben studies me throughout when he says, “I guess it doesn’t even matter now. I’ll give your brother your best regards when I see him.”

Then he’s out the door.

Nosy eyes meet mine. Some girls giggle. I want to scream out and fight every one of them staring.

Who the hell is even up this early?

But I’m not my sister, and I don’t have the courage. I didn’t even dare to step back into the same wing the robotics club is, so I have no right to fantasize about telling some girls off for simply being curious.

“Good game, Ben,” some girls call.

He nods at them while he hurries down the hall. The only time he stops is when Gigi steps in his way. They exchange a few words. He’s polite enough as it seems, but he knows her years at last. Then he’s gone, and I’m still standing here, staring.

Gigi comes right at me. She hurries me into my room and closes the door behind us. “What’s going on? He didn’t want to say...”

“He said I’m a whore,” I cry out.

Fuck.

My eyes are getting watery.

Real tears.

Pathetic.

I finally reached my low point. I thought I had at the party, but that’s not right.

It doesn’t matter now.

Because Ben is gone, and I can’t see.

Chapter Text

We’re in the third period of the game and we’re being crushed. I almost forgot how graceful Hewn’s team captain—and Rey’s brother in a sick turn of events moves on the ice, almost as if he’s a figure skater, not a hockey player. The only problem is that he’s also fast as lightning and his shots are so fucking precise that almost all of his attempts end in a goal.

Five to three for Hewn. Without Poe, we’d suck even worse. He scored two out of three goals, the other one being Will’s with a fine-ass assist from G.

I’m off my game today and to nobody a help. But somehow it’s still not me Coach is screaming at.

“Goddamn it, Burgdoff, I can’t believe you let that one through, you absolute moron!”

Dean grins mockingly at me, and in that moment he looks so much like K that it takes me aback. Rey doesn’t have the same cruelness to her.

I lose the puck to one of Hewn’s wingers. Coach screams at me, but I can’t help myself. While I study Dean, I can’t believe I haven’t made the connection yet. He has the same brown eyes, hair, and even the wide mouth. There’s no denying they’re related.

“What’s wrong with you, Solo? Too much for you facing a real opponent?” Dean calls over to me.

 I growl, “You know damn well what’s going on, asshole. Trying to distract me won’t work.”

“Don’t need to, you’re off your game,” he mocks.

He’s right, though he made sure of it, of course. Still, I hate myself for it. The way his sister gets under my skin. That she did it because of him. For him.

That’s the moment someone passes me the puck. Even I didn’t see it coming. I thought Griff and Will would leave me out of the risks. Obviously, they have other ideas. Maybe they want to force me to perform, or they just want to take our opponents by surprise. It works. The defense doesn’t see this move coming after my bad play before, and I easily skate past them.

My heart pounds. I’m in a good position and release a snapshot the goalie doesn’t expect either. Not my finest work of art, but the puck is in, a goal nonetheless.  

“Ain’t I off my game?” I scream in Dean’s face when I celly past him.

He only laughs. “We’re still winning by a goal, and only five on the clock left.”

“You shouldn’t be too sure either. Or maybe just don’t resort to your sisters so much.”

I pass the puck to Will, who’s screaming insults at someone, but one of Dean’s players blocks anyway. He takes the puck and skates off with it. That is until he faces Griffin, who’s just faster than him. The puck comes back to me. I go at the goal, hint a shot, but pass to Will instead, who’s right there this time and scores another goal.

“How about now?” I shout at Dean.

He grabs me by the jersey, his tone acidly. “What did you say about my sisters?”

“I knew you love winning but didn’t think more than family. Whoring out your sisters, so they distract me?” I laugh in his face. “Especially Rey, who we both know isn’t that kind of girl.”

“What are you talking about you dirty bastard? Say one more fucking thing about my little sisters, and I rearrange your face so bad you’ll have a problem getting laid ever again. Even with a pro career,” he sneers.

He’s all in my face, red in a way that isn’t a result of the intense physical strain. I can only assume it’s shame for what he’s done, but that’s on him. It’s his own damn fault for stooping so low.

I only laugh bitterly. I’m not showing him how well his plan worked. How well of a job Rey did. How bad I want her.  Still. After everything.

The knowledge only makes me angrier, matching Dean. I flash my most obnoxious grin and say, “Should have thought about somebody calling them whores before setting them up on me.”

Dean has the decency to act confused. Or the acting talent of his sister. I can’t believe he has the fucking nerve.

I growl, “Don’t act all innocent. You made them twin trick on me until I almost lost my goddamn mind. K turning me down while Rey grinds on my dick.”

 Dean loses his glove so fast I don’t see the punch coming. Next, I’m hitting the ground so hard that my helmet splits. Something cuts my face. I moan in pain, and my fingers shake when I open my chin strap and push the helmet off me. I feel up the area where my skin broke. It’s not too bad, but even if it were I don’t know if a concussion could’ve stopped me from jumping to my feet and retaliating.

I hear the ref blow his whistle repeatedly. But that doesn’t stop me.

But Dean dodges my hit. My first hit, not the second one. I get him good but somehow he stays on his feet. I don’t expect it, so I’m unprepared for his next punch. He hits me square above my cheek, and without my helmet, I see only black spots and then nothing for a moment.

Dean is over me again.

I pull his feet out from under him, and he hits the ground next to me. He still tries to scramble over me, but before he can do anything, he’s being pulled off me. When his hands slip from my jersey, my head bumps back down against the ice.

Fuck.

A few feet away I see Will ready to lose his gloves too and beat the living hell out of Dean, but he’s being held back by Griffin and Finn. That’s good because I can’t let Will do that. Not after I just realized...

Fuck.

I did deserve it.

Dean would’ve never freaked out like that if my claims were true. Over something he put into action.

Fuck.

That sure is a guy who’d never whore out his sisters. He probably stood guard every time a boy talked to them in high school.

Will’s and my eyes meet. The wrath on his face strikes me dumb. I almost laugh at the view. Then I want to laugh some more.

I do. Shit. I do.

Because I’m so fucking dumb. I could’ve had everything I wanted just this morning. Rey fucking kissed me, and I called her a whore for it. My laugh turns more manic.

I can see my teammates’ faces change from angry to concerned.

“Boy,” Coach calls out, voice panicky. I’ve never heard him scared in the last two years I’ve known him. The man probably never experienced fear in his life ever. He wouldn’t know what it feels like. The reek of it.

“Boy, are you with me?”

Boy? Again. “Boy’s not my name. You never call me that.”

“Ben.”

“Not my name.”

He sighs. “Fine, Captain Morgan, you obviously hear me loud and clearly. Can you stand up?”

I moan as an answer.

“You’re still naming your hockey players like pets, Timon.” Someone clicks his tongue. “No wonder they can’t even take a clean hit without going down like the sissies they are.”

I recognize the voice. But even if I didn’t, I would’ve known it was the other team’s coach. Hockey is a brutal, competitive sport. Even the coaches hate each other.

“Nothing clean about that,” Coach screams at the other man’s face. “Tell your star player to save the fights for the NHL, or I’ll make sure he doesn’t see the inside of a rink for a very long time.”

Then he turns back to me and watches the medic who’s pressing something at my head to stop the bleeding. He wipes the dripping blood from my brow, so they’re clear to shine a flashlight right into my eyes to check my pupils.

“Boy, you’re still with me?” Coach asks. I nod, but I feel dizzy, and I think he can tell.

“No concussion. But he’s out for the game. One more hard hit and he might end up with a serious head injury,” the medic says.

“Sorry,” I murmur to Coach. I may not be clear right now, but I’m still deeply ashamed for disappointing the team.

He clicks his tongue. “Forget it. Burgdoff is the real misery in my life.”

I try to move and can’t.

Coach looks concerned. “Can you stand up, rum boy?”

“Might need some help,” I mumble. Next Griff and Will are at my side to hurl me up to my feet, pulling my arms over their shoulders.

“He got a mean right hook,” I moan dizzily.

“He most certainly had a lot of anger in him,” Will says. “What did you say to him?”

I grit my teeth. “He’s her brother.”

“What? Whose?” That’s Griffin.

“Rey’s.”

“No way.” Will.

“She told me before the game.”

“Great, she wanted your head not on straight.” Will moans in frustration. “More of what Rookie didn’t think to tell us.”

Griffin’s eyes search my face carefully. “I’m sorry, Ben. I honestly thought she was sincere, else I wouldn’t have told you to go see her before the game.

Will shakes his head. “I can’t believe she only did that to give her brother an advantage. Wait, did he set her up to this?”

“No. Dean didn’t know of any of this. He freaked out when I made a lewd comment about Rey distracting me.”

Griff snicker. “That honestly surprised you?”

 “Immensely.”

It took a full day to fully sink in how badly I screwed up. And another full hour to get all the answers I needed from the rookie. Maybe my assumptions had been ridiculous from the start, but to be fair, by that point Rey and Keera had fucked with my head pretty intently. And if Josh hadn’t kept Dean a secret too, I wouldn’t have jumped to conclusions so quickly. But because he had, the fact her brother was the team captain of our rivals seemed like a clue I somehow missed. Something I’d be an idiot to ignore, an even bigger idiot than they’d already made me. 

Looking back it’s obvious my insecurity had gotten the better of me. Which is... unexpected. I don’t often feel inadequate. But I would be the first to admit my parent’s terrible marriage fucked me up as a kid. Somehow Rey’s twin tricking had translated into my mother’s lies, and I’d become my dad, always looking out for the next one, seeing something where there was nothing.

I quicken my pace, shaking the thoughts away. I want to talk to Rey, but I don’t want it to turn into an analysis of my psyche. And it wasn’t like there were parents that didn’t fuck up their kids in some way, so it’d be a wack excuse anyway.

I enter the coffee shop. It’s almost empty campus beside a few students having a free period. I left my seminar since mine’s on the other end of the campus, so it was either that or sprinted all the way over after class.

I order Rey’s usual at the counter. Rookie gave up those pieces of information pretty easily after his second stern talking to. But the truth is I can’t fault him—not fully at least since it was me who jumped to conclusions.

And Josh had looked quite confused, asking if they all shared their former teammates with each other, and pointed out that he’d no problem playing Dean. Only when I made it about Rey, the penny dropped at last for him.

I check my wristwatch and gaze up at the door of Rey’s lecture hall opening. Students swarm out. Punctual to the minute, Rey exits. I catch up with her in a few strides, holding the door for her. I ignore how she seems to shrink into herself a little bit when she spies me next to her, then ducks under my arm and outside.

“Can we talk?” I ask, holding out the abomination Rookie called her ‘coffee order’.

“I have to go,” Rey says curtly without glancing my way again.

 And fine, I deserve it, but it still stings.

“Give me a chance to apologize, please.” Since she isn’t looking at me, I insert my full sincerity in my tone, trying to convey how sorry I am.

“No.” She shoulders her bag to her left and fastens her pace.

But I keep up with her easily. My legs are far longer than hers, and I would wager her stamina isn’t the best, considering she’s already out of breath from the few stairs she just climbed to the east campus.

I realize where she’s headed and curse inwardly. If I don’t get her to stop and talk to me, she’ll disappear into the library, and my chance will dissipate.

I step in her path, but she slaloms around me like I’m no more than a traffic cone. I swallow my groan, stopping her with a hand on her arm.

“Rey, please.”

I try to not let it show I notice how she recoils at my touch. Or how it affects me. But I can understand her, and I deserve her not making this easy on me. But I’m not the type of person to shy away from a challenge, so I grit my teeth mentally and pull out the ace I still have up my sleeve. I’m not above a little light coercion if it just gets her to listen.

“Rookie said you never turn down free coffee.” I hold up the disgusting thing with more whipped cream in the cup than liquid. “Unless that wasn’t true, in which case he’s got another thing coming.”

 Rey’s eyes narrow, but her crossed arms slightly loosen, and her fingers splay just enough for me to maneuver the cup into her hand. I don’t know if I’m glad or disappointed she still cares enough about Josh for him to be useful leverage.

“Thanks for the coffee,” she says, but her tone relays anything but gratitude.

“I’m not sure this is considered coffee in most countries, but we’re in America, the land of the free, so I guess you can drink this...diabetes in liquid form.”

And jackpot. Her lips twitch, betraying a smile, though she’s quick to stifle her amusement.

“Say what you came here for, Ben,” she answers with a sigh. Like she hates herself as much as me for enjoying me making her laugh.

Fuck. I love it when she says my name. She looks confused at why my reaction to her icy reply is a fat smile, but I can’t tell her that.

I wipe the expression off my face, reminding myself of the topic at hand. The solemness isn’t hard to channel, after all, I do feel bad, so I tell her in the most expressionate tone of my emotions I can muster.

I can’t believe I’m trying open communication.

Who am I anymore?

If G and Will were to see me they wouldn’t recognize me, and they would have a field day with my trying to win her back.

“I apologize for how things went down before my game,” I tell her. “I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. I’m really sorry.”

She’s not impressed. I can’t truly fault her. She doesn’t know how hard that was for me.

“How things went down?” she echoes with air quotes. She gestures hard enough for some drops of her not-coffee to slosh over the rim of her cup. “Things did not just go down, Ben. You called me a whore.”

I grimace. “I called you an actress.”

“You called me a whore!”

Her anger is so blunt. So unveiled. I realize it’s deep in a way only true hurt causes.

I have to take a calming breath. She has no idea what it does to me... seeing her like that. I can’t stand it, knowing I caused it. And I’d do anything, give anything to make it right.

But I’m an idiot. And I don’t know the first thing about how to go about those things. Don’t women usually just want to hear an apology? I did that. Or does she want me to tell her she’s right even if that’s a lie?

I panic a little. Because she’s waiting for a reply, and I’m only quick-witted in a funny way, and my brain hotwires. That’s the only explanation, I say, “Actually, I said you were whoring yourself out, that’s a bit of a difference.”

I hold up my fingers to show the slight gap between thumb and forefinger, trying to lighten the mood.

But she doesn’t laugh.

My shoulders slump. “I am truly sorry, Rey. I don’t know what else to say.”

“There’s nothing else.” She starts walking again, without even having touched her coffee.

I jog next to her. “Tell me how to make it right, then.”

“You can’t.”

“Free coffee forever?” I offer. Guess I’m not above bribery either. “Or maybe dinner tonight or tomorrow, maybe the day after if you are hungry then too.”

She stops dead in her tracks to look up at me. Her expression displays her utter disbelief clearly. I stuff my hands in my pockets, bobbing back and forth on the heels of my sneakers with a contrite smile. She isn’t swayed by what I’ve been told is my charming-awakward-idiot-act.

Rey crosses her arms in front of her chest like a protective barrier, going into defense mode. “Are you for real? What are you, a little boy that pulls the pigtails of the girl he likes on the playground?”

“No.”

Yes.

Maybe.

I straighten, reminding her that I’m nowhere near being a little boy. She notices, all right, and I see the brief flash of attraction in her eyes before she stifles that too like she did her amusement.

“I like you, Rey. I want to take you out on a date.”

“Well, I don’t want to go,” she retorts.

“You haven’t even touched your coffee,” I point out to keep her with me. Anything to make her stay.

Somehow that comment raises her suspicion, and her gaze trails to the bruises on my face her brother gave me, the one right above my cheekbone and the black eye.

“Did you spit in it?” she asks.

“No. Want me to prove it?” I offer when she isn’t reacting, regretting it the moment she holds out the cup without hesitation and a non-expression.

I shudder after taking a big sip, unable to suppress a sound of disgust. I’m quick to explain, “It’s not because of something I did to it. It just tastes like artificial flavors, chemicals even. Is caramel toxic? How are you drinking this every day?”

Rey grins. It’s a bit malicious, born from witnessing my pain, but it still counts. It definitely counts when she brings the cup to her lips and licks the whipped cream.

My gaze glues itself to the spot where some tiny bit of cream gets stuck over the left corner of her mouth.

God, I want to kiss her so bad.

But she is very likely to knee me in the balls for my trouble, empty her drink over my head after I go down, or worse... make me finish the whole cup.

“How is your brother?” I ask.

She raises a brow. “He looks better than you.”

“He fights dirty that’s why.”

She snort-laughs. “If you say so.”

“I mean it, he tried pummeling me when I was already down and my helmet was off. I’m not saying that because I’m embarrassed.”

Maybe I am a bit embarrassed. Hadn’t I been so caught off guard and mind-twisted by her, I could’ve taken Dean.

“Uh-huh.” Rey’s nipping at her drink, unbothered. “Because in the history of hockey, no one has ever tied to get a hit in after the other went down. It sure isn’t because of your ego...”

“My ego is fine, though I appreciate you’re concern for it.” I flash her the flirty smile that didn’t work on her twin. “You could stroke it a bit if you want though.”

It was working. At least for a prolonged moment. She was staring a bit, but she controlled herself more quickly than I would have liked.

“I don’t want to stroke anything of yours,” she shoots back, pointing from him to her. “It’s not going to happen, Ben. You and me.”

“Oh, come on, Hazelnut. I’m groveling.” I tilt my head to the side and shrug a little helplessly while giving her puppy eyes.

Her resolve is crumbling. I can tell by the way she gulps, just shaking her head tiredly, so she doesn’t have to answer. So I can’t tell what she’s thinking—feeling by the tone of her voice.

“Do you want me on my knees? I’ll do it. I’ll go on my knees and beg your forgiveness, Rey.” I start to drop, but she stops me with a hand on my arm before I can go all the way. So I’m left awkwardly hovering mid-motion. But I don’t dare move.

Not when she’s touching me, and not when she’s so beautiful.

Because Rey... Rey’s laughing.

“Jesus, stop it, Ben. You’re embarrassing the both of us.” But her mouth stretches into the widest grin.

Fuck. She’s truly got the most magnificent smile. She is magnificent. I just want to take off all her clothes and slowly kiss every inch of skin on her body.

“Tonight at eight? I’ll pick you up,” I try again, desperate. Though I don’t sound it, I don’t think.  

“Fuck, Rey,” someone hollers. “Put him out of his misery and let him go down on you already.”

I whirl around, seeing Deluca, Batsy, Finn, Poe, and Reus coming closer. Batsy and Reus are laughing at Deluca’s comment, but Poe and Finn just share a look.

Rey’s smile drops instantly. She clears her throat. “I need to go.”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

They screwed it up for me. I have to fight the urge to drag my hands through my hair and pull out every strand. Or do worse with them. Like beating and kicking at my own teammates.

“Please, Rey,” Deluca calls after her. “We can’t take the commotion at Hockey House anymore. You don’t even have to reciprocate the oral.”

Rey doesn’t deign to respond. She’s already walking away.

I shove Deluca when he and his stupid grin are too close to me for me to resist, giving in to the urge but no more.  

“Leave her the fuck alone,” I growl, then run after Rey. I hold out a hand before she makes it to the library doors. “Hey, wait, I’m sorry about that. Deluca is a moron.”

“Yeah, whatever.” She takes out her student card, ignoring me.

I close my eyes and rub my temple. I’m no one who easily accepts defeat, but I’m also not someone who just runs after a girl for the challenge. I’ll fight for her, but not to the point I’m overstepping.

Rey has given me no sign I’m ignoring her boundaries, but I need to be sure. I need to know she’s not just trying to be polite like women are often taught to be even in situations that make them uncomfortable.

And I know Deluca made her uncomfortable.

But have I?

Did I ever do anything to...

I gulp and say, “Just tell me if I’m...if I should stop. I don’t mean to hound you. And if you feel pressured, if you want me to stop, I will. But if it’s okay I’ll just buy you a coffee tomorrow, completely noncommital.”

She finally looks up from her open bag, and our eyes meet over it. Rey is tall for a girl, but she’s still so much smaller than I am. I want to bridge that distance, I want to be as close to her as can be—maybe that feeling should worry me, but I accepted sometime along the road that I’m completely mad for this girl.

I might truly lose my mind if she won’t ever let me touch her. Deluca is a moron, but he wasn’t wrong. I just want her to let me—to want me to go down on her, and I wouldn’t fucking care if she reciprocated or not.

I think Rey sees the intensity of said surging madness because her eyes widen. Her mouth opens to answer, then closes. Opens, then closes again.

“Hey, Rey, is it?” a pleasant, female voice asks I couldn’t hate more in this moment.

We both glance up. It’s the girl I saw in front of the robotics club. She gives Rey a friendly smile.

“I wondered if we could talk? You were gone so fast the last time, I didn’t have time to speak to you, and I didn’t have your full name, so...” She shrugs, still pleasant like a warm breeze on a cool day.

I hate her.

“Yes, sure, of course,” Rey says quickly and starts walking away. She shakes her head a few times like she’s trying to get her mind on track, but she doesn’t look back.

But she also didn’t say no. She didn’t tell me off. And if that’s all I have for now, I’ll take it.

Chapter Text

I’m not expecting anyone. So when it knocks on my door my heart speeds a little at the prospect it might be Ben.

Urgh. I really need to forget about him.

I’d finally found the courage to tell Rose about this mess, maybe I was avoiding it because I knew what she was going to say. And when I was done she’d stared at me through the terrible connection of our FaceTime call and said, “Rey, he’s waving so many red flags, I’m starting to wonder if you’re blind.”

She’s right, of course. Ben being sorry doesn’t negate what he did. He hurt my feelings. And it wasn’t just the insults, but the malicious intent. I could tell he meant to hurt me. And I don’t know if I can date a guy like that.

Josh already did enough damage to my heart. But at least I know that he never meant to.

But when I open the door, I don’t find Ben. It’s Keera standing in front of my door with a grocery bag with several snacks I can make out through the milky transparency of the plastic.

She’s bringing me snacks. It should be a good sign. But I know her too well. It’s not.

Her crossed arms confirm it. Still, I give her a big, fake smile when I let her in.

“So how did my date with Luke go?” I ask Keera before she can say anything about... anything.  

Keera had been so busy keeping up with schoolwork while also partying like a rockstar I barely saw her. Say what you want about her life choices but being busy never stopped her from doing everything she sets her mind to.

Somehow Keera manages to date two to three guys semi-casually while also balancing her cheerleading practice, school, socials, and partying. She’s nothing if not ambitious. Her grades are even better than mine. There’s really nothing she can’t do.

She stalks in on heels I would fall over on, leaving tapping sounds in her wake.

“Are you sure you care? Isn’t there anything you’d rather tell me?” she asks innocently, making herself comfortable on my bed.

She hasn’t been in my dorm since I moved in. She helped me decorate my tiny room while letting me know every other sentence how much bigger her apartment is.

My room is tiny, of course. After all, it is still a single bedroom. I’m lucky I have a little restroom all to myself and only need to share the communal shower with the rest of the girls on my floor. We are thirteen in total, I think. We’ve got a common room too, which rarely anyone ever uses.

“K,” I say, sighing while I plop down next to her.

“Do you care?” she repeats cheekily. “Or do you only care about a certain hockey hunk grinding up on you on the dancefloor, or almost toppling over to kneel at your feet for your forgiveness?”

I stare at her, my face reddening. I know she saw the picture on CollegeDiaries, and I’m glad I follow now, so I’m aware that somebody took a picture of me and Ben dancing in the yard of the frat house. Not that I didn’t expect it to happen...I kinda did. But just now I’m realizing that it makes Keera look like she is involved with Ben. Like long-term involved. I should have thought of that. Or cared. Now I feel guilty that I didn’t.

“I’m sorry. Are you upset about the picture? I didn’t plan it. It just kinda happened.”

“Isn’t that always the case? Nobody plans those things,” she says with a small smile. “No, I’m not upset about the picture. That’s the reason I send you there. I don’t give a shit about Luke at all. And neither do you.”

“What? You wanted me to be seen with Ben?”

“No, don’t be foolish, Rey. I just had a feeling you liked him, twintuition and all. And I knew the hockey crowd was going to be there, so I arranged your reunion.”

I admit, “I thought you might have, but that’s crazy, Keera. Even for you.”

“You know what’s crazy?” She giggles. “Dean’s reaction when he finds out you’re doing the team captain of his college’s official rival.”

He wouldn’t care. He’s always been protective of us, but not in a sexist way. He was the type of brother who would check up on us at parties in person when he was there or through texts when he wasn’t. He urged us to call him when we needed a drive when it was late at night. He threatened boys at school to not hurt us, but never kept them away from us.

I would’ve loved to see him handle Keera if he tried. 

“I’m not going to do anything,” I tell her. “And you’re a cheerleader, K, you’re cheering his college’s official rival team on. So you really shouldn’t be one to talk.”

“But Dean doesn’t play football, does he?” She grins smugly. “So, you want to tell me nothing happened between the two of you? Don’t tell me Ben Solo didn’t at least try to put the moves on you!”

She raises a brow as if to say, Nah I don’t believe that for a sec.

Yes, our twintuition is strong, and yes, I’m able to make out Keera’s mood most of the time, but I've never been a breathing lie detector like her. I’m still not sure if it’s just a gift or natural talent, or if it’s simply the result of our twin connection too.

“You know it didn’t.” I groan. “You saw how he reacted when he found out the truth about the twin ticking. You were there!”

“I also saw that video on College Diary’s TikTok where he was trying to kneel at your feet.” She waggles her eyebrows. “So I assumed he might go down tearfully on you.”

I frown. “Why would he cry?”

“I don’t know. From immountable guilt. Or gratitude.” Keera squints like she can picture it. Ben crying, that is. “He seems like the type to be honest. A little freaky and a little unstable.”

I laugh. She isn’t wrong. Ben’s behavior could be interpreted as mood swings, though I know better. He got it wrong, and he’s sorry. But that’s not enough. Although I’m aware he was justified in his anger, it was the venom in his tone and the cruelness with which he spoke to me that makes me hesitate to forgive him.

“Back to the party. What exactly happened between you two?”

“We just kissed.” I shrug like it didn’t completely cure my feelings for Josh, then make me heart-eyed enough to go mushy when he gave me his I’m-just-a-dumb-jock-slash-cute-idiot-who-deserves-a-second-chance act.

“How was it?” Keera draws out, a grin stretching the same wide mouth I have. Only hers is glossy peach.

“It was fine,” I lie and see the detector in her go off.

“Alright,” she stretches the word even harder than the ones before and flashes me an even wider grin.

I sigh, admitting, “Okay, it was more than fine. Whatever. It’s not like it’s gonna happen again.”

“Why not?” She wrinkles her forehead, sincerely confused.

“You know why! He called me a whore,” I snap.

Keera feigns shock, putting a hand to her heart. “HE did not! How would I know that if my one and only flesh-blooded twin did not tell me!”

I roll my eyes at her dramatics, but I can’t help grinning at it. “I know you know. And I know that you know that I know because you came in here with your you’ve-been-keeping-things-from-me face.”

Dean called me right after his game against Arcryn. He wasn’t angry at the misplaced loyalties, but the way Ben talked about me. I assume he talked to K too.

“What a douche,” he said. “You can do better than that, Rey.”

And then he looked at me like he was disappointed, not mad—the worst thing a person can be. Like he truly thought I would make better dating choices.

Keera doesn’t seem to think it a big deal though. She shrugs, taking out a pack of Skittles from her grocery bag, then asks, “So Ben’s done for?”

My eyes widen in disbelief. “Did you not hear me? He called me a whore.”

She flicks Skittles into her mouth. “Not very original. But he is a jock, so he might be not the brightest?”

I frown. “You’re only concerned with his insult of choice.”

“Can’t anyone be a Picasso with words, I guess.” She shrugs again. More Skittles make it into her mouth. “And that he insulted you is unfortunate, but he had reason to be mad, did he not? Explain to me again why you didn’t just tell him. It could’ve been your dirty little—”

I cut her off, alert. “And risked that he would’ve blown our cover? After we lead him on all week?” I shake my head in disbelief. “Are you implying it’s my fault he reacted that way?”

“No, I’m not saying he had a right to insult you, but if you were in fact fucking him to distract him from hockey that would indeed be prostitution in a way, so maybe it was meant more literally than...”

“Oh, he meant it as an insult all right,” I cut in.

“But when he found out it wasn’t true, he didn’t.”

“Why are you even defending him? I would’ve thought you would crucify him for that.”

“I have my reasons. And for what exactly? For insulting you or hurting your feelings?” K asks nonchalantly. “Because I can cut off his balls, so you can hang them over your bed like a trophy, but I have a feeling you’ll need them in the future.”

I grab a pillow and throw it in her face. “You’re so unserious.”

Keera just laughs. When she finally sobers, she says, “Okay, in all seriousness I don’t like that he hurt your feelings obviously. But did we kind of deserve it, maybe? I don’t know. What I do know is that Ben is getting a lot of shit for the accidental prank we pulled on him. Like the whole campus is making fun of him. I see the football bros all the time and the way they talk is really degrading. And I know Ben knows too because he eats at Northern Hall like all athletes.”

The northern hall is the dining hall that’s located right between the three great sports fields of Arcry U, football, baseball, and hockey. Most foods there are organic, and opposite to the other dining halls they actually make an afford serving good and healthy food. So obviously most athletes go there.

K goes on, “And that’s not even mentioning how bad it’s gotten since that TikTok of him groveling for you went viral. I heard Ben had quite the reputation as a badass for his toughness on the ice. Now he’s being called a simp, a pussy, and whatever other sexist shit. But he didn’t even bat an eye all the times he was called the simp of the century.”

I don’t know how to feel about Keera speaking for Ben. It’s the last thing I would’ve expected. Rose and Dean both said there was no excuse for what Ben did, but maybe she sees something they didn’t. After all, she’s the only one of those three that knows Ben... kind of.

And what she said does make me feel guilty. I know how bad men and toxic masculinity can get, but Ben didn’t mention any of this. So either it’s not as bad as K portrays or he doesn’t care about it. And if he doesn’t care should I even feel guilty about something that doesn’t bother him?

“I don’t know how I feel about all this,” I admit.

Keera throws me a pack of ice cream that has been slowly and quietly melting in her grocery bag. “You don’t have to. There are many hot guys on campus, and I intend to introduce you to some because Luke is a loser too. Also, I already have the perfect weekend planned out.”

I look at her, giving me the broadest smile. My sister is the devil on high heels. And this is why I know I can’t get out of whatever the hell she’s planning. The twinkle of mischief in her eyes says it all.

Ben, true to his word, has been bringing me coffee all week. The only day he’s going to miss will be Friday because of an away game. The pre-season is over, and it’s the first game that counts.

At least that’s what he’s telling me while we’re walking toward the tech building. Or I’m walking, he’s just following. And I don’t mind. It’s my first day joining the robotics club since they meet once a week.

Marissa, the girl that tracked me down, promised it would be different today, and that Pete got a stern talking to by the female members of the club. She also said it didn’t matter if it’s just a hobby to me, and the club welcomes anyone, but I’m still nervous.

This is also why I’m worrying my lip, only partially listening to Ben. He notices though I thought he wouldn’t. I’ve been giving him the cold shoulder all week, not that you could tell by looking at him. He seemed to not mind at all carrying the conversation.

Ben opens the door for me, and when I don’t make a move he looks from me to the building like he’s checking if we’re going the right way but seems to realize he doesn’t know where we’re even headed, so looks back to me.

Somehow he sees through me, sees too much. He frowns and says, “You are joining the robotics club. Why didn’t you say so when we met here?”

I’m glad for the conversation because that means prolonging the inevitable. “You thought I was Keera, and she would never.”

“Ah. So what made you storm out that day? The uhm... dude bros that feared their male space being invaded?” His eyes darken at the thought.

I’m more surprised he remembered my wording. “I was just told how serious they take it.”

“Let me go in with you and tell them how serious I am about you being treated welcoming there.”

“NO!” I blurt out. “That would make everything worse. Please, don’t do that!”

“Someone sticking up for you would make it worse? If they make it worse, I’ll make it worse for them, and believe me when I say I’ll win this game.”

I can tell by his posture and stern expression that he means it. But Ben is a huge, tall, big guy. A white guy. A rich guy. He doesn’t know what the real world is like for average people. What it’s like for not him people.

“We’re not even... a thing,” I finish weakly, not knowing how to describe us. In fact, I don’t even know what Ben wants from me. He’s asked me out for a date, but it seemed more like an apology thing. I heard a lot about Ben Solo since I started college, some seemed contrary, and some seemed pretty spot-on, but one thing that always stayed the same. Ben Solo doesn’t date.

Most of the hockey team doesn’t. They are all focused on their career. It’s not uncommon, and it doesn’t surprise me.

What I don’t know is how I’m supposed to fit into the picture. I’m pretty positive Ben wants me, physically at any rate. It just seems a little excessive running after someone like he did for a hookup.

“So?” He shrugs. “Can’t I stick up for... friends?”

I sigh. “Just don’t please.”

“If that’s what you want...”

“Great. Thanks.” I check my watch and realize I’m going to be late. I finally walk in through the door Ben is still holding for me, and hurry.

Only Ben is still following, right on my heels. When I grab the door to the robotics club, Ben’s hand covers mine, keeping it shut.

A zap goes through me. Just like the last time we’ve stood here. Maybe there’s something in the air here, making everything staticky?

“But if something happens you’d tell me, right?” Ben asks—no, demands. He stares at me like he can force the importance of it into my head.

“Yes,” I lie to get him off my back.

Ben’s mouth twitches, but not in amusement, like he knows I’m lying. But he knows we’re also not on great terms yet, so he lets it slide and opens the door for me.

I expect him to turn around and leave once I’m inside, but Ben lounges against the door frame, staring each dude-bro in the club down before turning around and finally walking away.

I sigh, hiding my face in my hands.

“I see you brought mental support,” Peter calls from his station. But only after Ben’s gone. That coward.

“Ignore him,” Marissa says, smiling encoragedly. “Let’s get you set up. You can do your own project or join a team. I’m with Billy if you’re interested, but there are many more that can use a hand. The tools are over there.” She points to a long workbench at the side of the room. “For everyone to use. The materials we have are over there and you’ll have to dig through them to find something good. If you need something specific, you need to ask John. He manages the funds.”

I don’t feel comfortable enough to sit alone and just walk on something, so I say, “I’d like to join your team if that’s cool with everyone.”

Billy, I assume it’s her because Marissa walked us over to her, looks up from the sketch she’d been working on. “We’d love to have you.”

Chapter Text

Saturday is crazy. Lore, Emory, and Keera persuaded Gigi and me to go out with them. So now we’re in a club. Somehow we made it in with the worst fake IDs mankind has ever seen.

Olives is the most popular nightclub in this town, but it’s still located in a college town, so I guess they make a living by looking the other way at the sight of bad fake IDs.

Emory and Lore both made comments that were supposed to be light digs at both me and themselves about me fooling them by pretending to be Keera. But other than that they seem to be cool with the whole situation, which proves their grace and makes me like them even more.

Some of the football players tagged along after Keera and the other cheerleaders texted them our location, and so far they paid for all our drinks since their arrival. Right now, I’m swaying on the dance floor, heavily intoxicated.

 Some more girls of Keera’s sorority come over, I recognize some of them. Most of them I already met. They talk to Lore and Emory. And it doesn’t take long for me to hear Emorey snap over the music at someone. “Shut up, Becky.”

Ah. Becky. My mouth turns up in amusement. It wasn’t so funny when she was trying to give me unsolicited advice the other day, but it’s funny to me now. 

 An arm wraps around my waist, and I dance with the tall figure standing behind me. I can feel he’s muscular, and when I turn my head partly I think I recognize him. Football player, I think. I saw him in the few games I watched. Wide receiver? Talented. He’s being talked about. I don’t care about that, though. He’s handsome enough. More than handsome.

 Ruffled light brown hair with lighter, golden blond strands. They highlight his full hair. Blue eyes. Chiseled face. And a mouth with a sexy curve. A mouth that leans down and presses his lips to mine. He tastes like peppermint from the mojitos we ordered.

Keera was right. There are a lot of hot guys on campus. I don’t need to forgive one asshole who almost gave me one orgasm once. I should just enjoy it.

We keep dancing, bodies pressed together. His lips trace my auricle, and then he whispers in my ear, “You and your sister ain’t gonna play me like Solo, right K?”

 My head snaps back, and I laugh hard. So hard, I’m sobbing. If I wasn’t drunk, I probably wouldn’t think it this funny. I might’ve been offended then. Another guy who’s actually into my sister. Another guy who can’t tell us apart.

Again, again, and again it keeps happening to me.

I turn to tell Gigi, but she’s lip-locking another football player. His hands are on her ass, but she doesn’t mind it. They’re grinding more than dancing. Good for her.

“What’s so funny,” he asks. His light eyes twinkle with glee as if he wants to laugh with me. Damn. He is a handsome one.

My mouth widens into a big smile. “Just the fact that you can’t tell us apart.”

“What makes you say that, baby?” He moves closer, pressing us back together until he’s towering over me. He’s tall, about six-one probably. But not as tall as Ben.

 I shake the thought from my mind and toss my arms around his neck. With a side glance, I see some girl death-glaring me. I hop on my tippy toes, so I can bring my mouth closer to his ear. A little extra show for the bitches who love to run their mouths about me and my sister. “I say that because I’m Rey. Not K!”

He takes a step back, so he can study me throughout. “Shit. Really, baby?”

I flash my widest grin at him. “Yes, really, baby.”

He doesn’t catch my snarky tone. “Well, you're still hot. I mean you’re identical twins. Can you truly blame me for mixing you up?”

No, I can’t. And I won’t. That’s not what bothers me. I cross my arm in front of my chest. “I guess either sister will do.”

He winks, and fuck me if he can’t pull it off. “I'm pretty sure you know every guy fantasizes about twins.”

“Thanks for the offer, but incest isn’t our thing,” I snap and turn away. He snatches my wrist. I’m ready to maneuver out of his grip, but then I see his face and don’t.

His face and tone are sincere when he says, “Sorry, I’m drunk. Shit. And an asshole. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

I shrug. I want to tell him it’s okay, but then my wrist is being freed out of his grip. I’m being spun around and am suddenly standing, swaying from the sudden movement against something hard. Another someone.

I’m wondering if his teammate is joking around, but the hands are steading me instead of pulling me into a wild dance. They’re warm, comforting, familiar.  

His face falls as he takes in who’s standing behind me. “Solo.”

“Thorne,” Ben answers, then his gaze goes to me. “You alright, Rey?”

“Yes, everything’s fine.” Except that the world is spinning like a carousel. “No need to interfere. I can look out for myself.”

Just that I can’t. I don’t even know why I’m saying that. I’m lying, but I guess I don’t want his moral compass to get in the way of him having fun. Or that he thinks for some reason he owes it to me to keep an eye on me. He’s obviously also here to have a good time, dance, and get drunk. They won their game yesterday and are probably celebrating.

“I can see that,” Ben says sarcastically. 

“You can tell them apart?” Thorne realizes way too slowly.

Ben frowns at him. “Course I can. Since I know there are two of them, I can’t miss the differences. You would too if you weren’t so shitfaced, Thorne.” Then he takes my hand in his. “We’re out of here.”

But I pull against his hand hard enough to free it. Only, it sends me off-balance. Thorne is there to catch me, and I clutch his arm. His underarm is corded with muscle, and I get momentarily distracted as I study this well-built upper body.

Thorne grins. “Let’s get you some water, Rey.”

“She’s not going anywhere with you!” Ben snaps. His eyes are dark. He’s not having any fun.

There’s still a bottle of vodka and Red Bull to mix at our table. Maybe I should offer it to him?

“Rey can decide that!”

“She can’t decide anything right now, and she doesn’t know you,” Ben argues.

“I know...” I think, then remember his name, giggling I add, “Thorne.”

“That’s right.” He winks at me, and I giggle harder because I seriously have never met anyone who can pull this off. Or maybe I am just really, really drunk. “I can make you say my name lots more later if you want.”

I laugh.

And then I don’t because I almost fall over with Thorne the moment he is ripped off me by the hit he takes to his cheek from Ben. But I never hit the ground. Not like Thorne, who makes it look quite painful.

I’m in Ben’s arms, and my face is so close to his that I stumble over my sentence before my anger gets the better of me.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I snap.

Ben doesn’t answer. His jaw is tense. I think I see a muscle tic on the left side like he’s grinding his teeth and...WAIT. Is he jealous? Is this what this is about?

But before I can say anything more, he pushes me behind him, shielding me from the football players who are lining up in front of him. One of them helps up Thorne whose glaring daggers at Ben.

“Defuck dude? You could’ve just said she’s your girl, and I would've backed off,” Thorne says more calmly than most of his friends seem to be. 

“I’m not his girl,” I say because I feel I need to clear this up before people assume I’m a cheater.

“Then you have no right,” Thorne starts but is cut off.

“We’ve got every right since we fight better than you.” Will suddenly appears next to Ben, puffing out his chest, and crossing his arms like he doesn’t really think the other guys will challenge him.

Griffin appears on the other side of Ben, then more of his teammates. Even Josh. But the hockey team is much smaller than the football team, not that either team is fully present, but Ben and his teammates are outnumbered two to one.

I push forward until I can position myself between Ben and Thorne, who both took a step toward each other. I know Thorne isn’t really fighting over me since a second ago he mistook me for my sister, he’s just pissed Ben is cockblocking him. Or maybe not even that. The unnecessary violence probably sent him off.

“Stop. That’s ridiculous. This doesn’t have to end in a fight,” I try to reason with them.

“It’ll be a fight unless you come with us,” Ben says unswayable. His Ben lock with mine, and maybe I imagined it but for a second I could swear I saw him silently pleading with me. They are wholly dark and so focused on me that I’m scared he’ll be surprised by a hit from the football bros.

To my shock Josh nodds, supporting Ben. When he sees my outrage he shrugs and says, “Sorry, Hazelnut, but you don’t even know these guys. Come with us, we’ll get you sobered up.”

I sigh, defeated, and give Thorne a helpless shrug before following Josh to the bar where he orders three bottles of water.

But my happy buzz is already gone.

It seems I can’t even have one night of fun.

Josh pulls me to the smoker area outside, and I let him. Fall has chilly nights, but that doesn’t mean we’re alone. There are always enough smokers to fill the outside area. But since this is a college town, there are more vapes in sight than actual cigarettes. And the air is a mix of cotton candy and tobacco which shouldn’t be nice, but I don’t hate.

 The cool air clears my head a little bit. It’s only then that I realize I’m way over my limit. Way too drunk for clear decision-making. But that doesn’t mean it’s okay what they did.

“Do you have to butt in every time I’m having fun?” I snap at Josh.

He raises a golden brow, unoffended and uncaring. “Sorry, do you want me to call Dean and ask him if he thinks I should’ve left it alone?”

“Don’t pretend like Dean set you up to that!” The cool air doesn’t change my flushed cheeks or the anger that’s fueling me. I’m not cold at all. Though that might also be the alcohol.

“I did promise Dean I would keep an eye on you two, not that I need a promise to do what’s right. You didn’t even know that guy, Rey,” he talks back calmly.

“Oh, and are you keeping an eye on Keera too, like right now? Or is it just me you set out to ruin the night for?”

I might be behaving a little childish, but I don’t care at the moment. While my head is clearing, I’m beginning to be glad Josh didn’t stand by and let me make a fool of myself. I’m suddenly embarrassed at the way I was giggling at Thorne’s lame jokes. But that still doesn’t mean Josh has any right to dictate my life choices, bad as they may be.

“I was just going to check in on Keera,” Josh retorts.

“Then what are you waiting for?” I snap.

But what he’s waiting for becomes clear as he raises his arm over the crowd to wave someone over. Neither Ben nor Josh are hard to spot, so it doesn’t take long for Ben to make his way over. He’s also bringing two more water bottles, as though they intend to drown me on land.

Josh slaps Ben on his arm and says, “Stay with her, I’ll look for K.”

“Alright, see you later,” Ben says.

Oh. Oh, they’re bros now.

Because they both like poking their noses into my private life, they’re cool.  

I glare at them, but they don’t seem to notice.

Ben studies me from head to toe, holding out the water bottle, but I don’t take it. And it’s stupid, but all I can think about is how I might look. What he sees. My cheeks must be blushed from the alcohol, and from screaming at Josh. I’m sweaty, even in tight shorts and a tank top. Dancing has that effect.

“You’re drunk,” he says, still taking all of me in.

“So?” I challenge.

“Nothing, just...” He looks away, so he doesn’t have to look at me when he continues, “I didn’t know if I should’ve pulled him off you when he kissed you. It would’ve looked jealous, though I wouldn’t have minded that if it meant doing the right thing.”

I laugh, “Have you been watching me?”

“Every man’s eyes were on you when you danced.”

“I doubt that.”

“It’s true,” he says hoarsely, eyes gleaming like a bonfire.

“Ben stop.” I take a step back. When I stumble, he bridges the distance, and his arm wraps around me, supporting me.

All my senses flare to life. Zoom in on that little surface at my hip where my naked skin meets the palm of his hand.

“You do look quite heated,” he mumbles.

I try not to interpret something in that comment, even though it’s hard. I feel his gaze on me, hungry. But I also remember his words. I didn’t want to look jealous. He doesn’t want me to think that because it’s not true.

He wants me, I know that, but just because he asked me out on a date doesn’t mean he’s serious. Even though the chemistry between us is explosive. And I can’t be the only one that’s noticing it. Though that might be the only thing he’s after in the end. Once we had sex, he might’ve gotten it out of his system.

But I wouldn’t.

I can’t.

 I push at his chest and he lets go of me, but not after checking I’m not falling over. He shrugs out of his varsity jacket and drapes it over my shoulders. In the corner of my eye, I see a phone and a flash go off. I sigh.

“I didn’t like what you did in there,” I say, crossing my arms. The air is cold enough to make the hairs on my arms rise, but I don’t give him the satisfaction of cuddling into the warmth of his jacket.

“I know,” Ben says, unapologetic.

I should just leave him standing here. But I don’t even know where Gigi and the rest are. Ah, right, Gigi was dancing with a guy, and the others left. But Keera stayed. Still, I have no idea where my sister is, either. Josh had to go search for her.

“Well, you shouldn’t have. And... and you had no right!”

“I know,” he agrees again, taking my glare like a punishment.

“Is that all you’re going to say to that?” I finally snap.

“What do you want me to say? That I’m sorry? I’m not, I’d do it again.” Maybe it’s the neutrality in which he delivers it like it’s just a fact. Or maybe the uncaring nature of his overstepping.

I slap him across the face. I don’t mean to—well, I did, but I regret it the second it’s done. I’m not violent, and I don’t think it’s remotely okay to slap someone out of anger. Even if he deserved it. Even if he hit Thorne first.

I slap a hand over my mouth, shocked by myself. But I quickly drop it. If I can’t take it back I might as well roll with it.

I rip his jacket from my shoulders, slap it against his chest, and say, “Stay away from me.”

Keera would be proud if she were witnessing my dramatic exit.

Only I don’t get very far.

Ben stops me with a hand on my arm, whirling me around until we’re standing almost nose to nose. He has to lower himself quite a lot for that. When did he have time for that?

“Don’t just walk away from me, Rey,” he growls, and the sound shoots through me like an electric bolt. He’s angry now too, all right. “You don’t want to go out with me, that’s fine. You want to hook up with someone else, that’s your right. You want to get drunk out of your mind, all right. But don’t don’t hook up with someone else while you are out of your mind wasted and just ask me to watch when I don’t even know if you’re okay.”

“I’m okay,” I say, but it’s weaker this time. His show of emotion took the wind out of my sails, and I don’t know what to do.

Ben seems to realize that too. He takes a few calming breaths and wraps me into his jacket before I can protest once again.

“Listen,” he says, his voice somewhat shaky. “If you tell me sober that this is what you want, I won’t intervene next time, okay? I just... I couldn’t just stand by, okay?”

“You didn’t need to barge in like... like that. And you definitely did not need to hit him!” I disagree.

“Yes. Yes, you’re right. Of course.” He rakes a hand through his hair.

I sigh. “I mean if he was actually trying to take advantage of me okay, but he just made a dumb innuendo.”

“I know. Thorne is an asshole, but he wouldn’t have tried to pressure you into anything or do anything you didn’t want him to do. That much I know.”

“Then... why?”

I blink several times. Now I’m really confused.

Ben smiles sheepishly while sticking his hands in his pocket. He shrugs. “Isn’t that obvious?”

I shake my head.

“You make me a little insane.” Ben shrugs again like it’s nothing.

I remember Deluca’s words. Put him out of his misery and let him go down on you already.

I clear my throat. “If you... if it’s really that bad for you maybe we should just get it over with, so you can get me out of your system.”

Ben looks appalled and a little disgusted. I hear it in his snort too. “That sounds sexy, just getting it over with.”

I shrug helplessly. “If you want to...”

“No, I don’t fucking want to, Rey,” he explodes, and I take a step back, shocked by the strength of his feelings on this. It's kind of insulting. He watches me and adds, “Not unless you want to. I thought that much was fucking obvious.”

“I think I should leave. This isn’t going anywhere.” I point between the two of us.

“That much is obvious too.”

“And please don’t come after me.”

“As you wish.”

His face is stoic when I give his jacket back and leave him behind. 

I’m sitting on the sidewalk in front of the club with Keera’s head in my lap. I found her in the lady’s room where she was puking her guts out. Now I’m afraid she is so wasted she’s fallen asleep right here in the cold. We didn’t even think to bring jackets, else I’d give her mine.

I tried calling Josh, but he’s not answering. My guess is that he panicked when he didn’t find Keera and started looking for her outside because he was worried she was stumbling home all on her own.

I don’t want her to not only wake up with a hangover but a cold or an even more serious sickness. But there is not much I can do. The Uber I called won’t drive us, and I can’t call anybody else. And I can’t run back in and search for Ben because I can’t leave Keera out here by herself, and she can’t walk, only stumble.

But after what seems like forever I’m finally in luck because suddenly a few of his teammates are just leaving the club.

“Will!” I call out the only name I memorize. I do because his face is all over CollegeDiaries. He’s a rich boy loved for his scandals. I have never talked to him personally, but I’m sure he knows who I am too. “Will, wait up! Please!”

Mr. Dark-hair-blue-eyes comes in our direction, but he stops midstep when he recognizes me. His eyes drop to the more or less unconscious Keera in my lap. He points to her. “Is that Rey, or are you?”

I frown. “Does that matter?”

He nods and flashes me a grin, showing off his flawless teeth. They’re bright and straight. Even in the dark, I can see that. But his smile is distorted, he’s intoxicated too. At least he isn’t swaying. “If that’s Rey, I gotta help, else Ben’s beating me up. But if you are, then everything’s fine.”

I don’t think I can follow that logic.

“I’m Rey. So if you don’t want to help us then maybe you can at least go get Ben?” I ask and try not to sound annoyed.

“Sorry to inform you, babe, but he and G already left. But I see you’re doing just fine by yourself.” He turns to leave.

“At least give me his number,” I cry out.

“What does she want from him?” one of Will’s teammates calls. “Didn’t she do enough damage?”

“Uh-uh,” someone else agrees. “She’s the reason he was beaten up by that Hewn bastard and we almost got into a brawl with the football crowd tonight.”

The Hewn bastard is my brother, but I’m not stupid enough to tell them that.

“She has to leave him alone.”

Will rolls his eyes at his teammates, takes out his wallet, and throws two twenties at me while I stare at him in utter disbelief. “That should do to get you home.”

“Asshole,” I grit out. “I have money myself, but cabs won’t take us.”

They leave without another glance at us. I don’t know if they heard us and just didn’t care, or really didn’t. I collect the money from the ground and put it in my pocket. My family is wealthy enough, but I’m not wasting forty dollars.

Rich boys are crazy and wasteful. And assholes, as it seems.

I almost cry out in frustration. If only Griffin had been with them. He would have helped us without a doubt, not for Gigi, but because he just is that kind of guy. He is the only one on the team who’s only being talked kind about.

 At the corner of the road, Will suddenly stops and starts to jog back to us, cursing under his breath. “If you’re ever telling anybody I’m going to destroy what’s left of your reputation.”

“What?” I stutter confused, watching how he shimmies out of his jacket and lets it fall in my lap.

“Give her to me,” Will says, but then bends down himself and hurls Keera over his shoulder. “Tag along.”

I’m instantly on my feet and hurry after him while he walks down the street again. While I try to keep up with Will’s long legs, I’m also draping his jacket on my completely passed-out sister. One of Will’s teammates, who’s passing us on his way to the club, gapes at us in bewilderment.

Will only grunts, “Keep walking, Burgdoff.”

When we’re out of earshot I ask, “Where are we going?”

“Hockey house. I guess you can sleep in Romeo’s room.”

“Whose?”

“Josh’s.”

“Yeah, that’ll do.” I sigh in relief, then we just walk next to each other for a few minutes in silence. I look up from the boardwalk and take in Will’s profile. There’s no denying that he’s immensely handsome. In a conventional kind of way. I do not think there would be any person on this earth who would disagree that this is a beautiful man. His face seems entirely symmetrical. His cheekbones are ridiculously high and his dark hair and long lashes are a contrast to his vivid blue eyes.

And yet... yet I don’t feel the same I do when I look at Ben. Like my stomach is bottoming out when he suddenly appears. Or my pulse speeding up when he looks at me the way that he looks...

“Are you checking me out, Rey?” Will turns his face to me and lifts a brow. Not flirty, just curious.

“No,” I stutter, blushing because I got caught.

“I’m gonna tell Ben,” he mocks.

I stick out my tongue to him. “Then you have to tell him all about this and you don’t want anybody to know you can be nice.”

“I can be nice,” he emphasizes. “I’m just not into that whole damsel in distress and knight in shining armor roleplay. I’m not Griffin.”

“I don’t think that’s the reason for him to do it. He’s just genuinely a good guy,” I defend him. 

“True,” Will agrees. “And about Ben, he’s gonna hear from the others anyway. All I want is that it’s not the hot next thing on CollegeDiaries or next week they will be a thousand damsels throwing themselves in my path.”

I imagine it must be hard having girls always trying to get with you and never certainly knowing if it’s for you, or your family’s name and money. Though I would argue it’s mostly for Will’s looks.

“Thanks for that by the way. For coming back,” I mumble. “I couldn’t carry her on my own.”

“I know,” he sighs. “Which is the only reason I came back. It’s in the middle of the night and anything could’ve happened to two girls sitting on the sidewalk all alone. I’d blame myself if you get hurt.”

“Oh, um, that’s decent enough, I guess.”

He laughs. Or it’s more of a dark coughing sound. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“And you answer truthfully?”

“You’re carrying my sister on your back.”

“Is that a yes?”

I laugh, “Yes.”

He eyes me. “You hot for Ben?”

What the hell? I am so caught off guard that I can only stutter, “N—No. I—What? What kind of question is that? I did not expect that.”

He grins wider, “Which was the whole point. I wanted an honest reaction from you. Wanted to know if you’ve been playing him, or honestly just been caught up in this mess as he claims.”

“He said that?” I asked oddly touched, my face heating.

“Shit. You really are into him. More than hot.”

I’m blushing harder. “No! Stop that. It was just a hookup.”

He chokes because he’s snorting so hard. Then he says drily, “You're redder than any tomato I’ve ever seen. Besides your eyes went all shiny as soon as he came up.”

“That’s not even true.”

“Keep telling yourself that.”

“Shut up, Will.” I don’t know why his persistence amuses me. But he is kind of funny as soon as you get his dry humor.

He laughs but doesn’t bring it up again. We make it to Hockey House shortly after, and I lead him to Josh’s. Luckily it isn’t locked, even if Josh isn’t there. I shoot him a quick text that we’d be crashing in his room and for him to not worry, and hope he’ll see it soon.

Will lays Keera down on the right side of the bed. It’s big enough, but if Josh returns, it might get pokey.

“You got everything you need?” Will asks, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room.

I give him an embarrassed smile. “I don’t know how to thank you, Will. If you didn’t have mercy on us, we’d probably still be sitting there.”

He shrugs. “No need to. Here—” he holds out his phone to me, “—put your number in there.” I do and he calls me, so I’ve got his number too. “Call me if there’s an emergency. You might not want to leave K alone. But if you do, walk up on the second floor to the right, my room’s the last one.”

“Thank you, Will.”

“Don’t mention it.”

Chapter Text

“How long does this take? I’m hungry,” I moan, bouncing my knee impatiently.

Deluca turns around and adjusts his apron, “To feed a house full of hockey players? I don’t know, why don’t you try, Cap?”

I sigh but shut up about it. “Gonna go wake the boys up.”

They always need an eternity to get up, so I might as well start now.

After three get-the-fuck-out shouts and four mumbled fuck-yous from the first and second floors, I head back down. Poe is the only one who seriously gets up, and he even makes himself useful by setting the table.

Pruitt is taking over waking up the rookies. But even the worst hangover will not keep them in their beds when they smell Deluca’s amazing cuisine. That’s why I left all their doors open, so the smell would lure them out.

It doesn’t take more than ten minutes before Griffin and Will stand before me, rubbing their eyes.

 “Fuck all of you and fuck all this,” Will greets. “My head is pounding.”

G snorts. Easy for him, he’s never had a hangover in his life. Not even after he spent the whole night nursing the toilet. Dude can puke his guts out all night and still feels absolutely fine the next day.

“Aw, baby. Shall I bring you a glass of orange juice?” DeLuce asks, batting his thick lashes.

“That would be heaven,” Will says while he slumps down on a stool at the kitchen island.

“Anything else I can do? Except cook and shit? Don’t you guys see me make your breakfast, stronzi! Take the long walk to the fridge upon yourself, Will.”

Before we can answer, laughter spills from the rookie floor, then hoots. Curious what’s going on, G and I stand up and go looking. Pruitt opened Romeo’s door and revealed two girls sleeping in bed with him.

My grin widens while I shake my head to G. I’m surprised when he doesn’t mirror my expression. Griff’s lips are pressed into a thin line. My head swivels back to Mackenzie’s room right the moment one of the sleeping girls turns on her back. The other is still snuggled into his side.

I freeze.

“Mackenzie threesomed the twins,” Davids hoots so loud that he wakes them up.

Rey’s head slips from Josh’s chest, and she goes hiding under the blanket. K still sleeps like the dead while Romeo jumps up and slams the door in our faces to give his Juliets some privacy.

I walk in an almost trancelike state to breakfast. And I don’t even taste much of what is on my plate either.

All three of them don’t reappear until mid-breakfast. We’re all in the kitchen, but only half of us fit at the dining table while the others have to sit at the kitchen island. For that, we always have to drag stools from the cubby, but the kitchen island is long enough to seat the rest of us.

Deluca made bacon and omelets. Then there are all kinds of cheeses, cold meat, marmalade, and pretty much other spread in existence laid out on the table. Deluca baked fresh bread for it. He usually prepares dough on the weekends and stores it in the fridge, so the bread is still warm when we have it.

There is nothing better than these team breakfasts, and I usually like nothing better, but right now I’m too distracted. I’ve barely exchanged more than a sentence with my friends.

K and Rey both wear some shirts and sweatpants from Josh, and I try not to relive what I saw this morning. But I can’t push away the thought. They didn’t, did they?

They were all snuggled up. K was sleeping a little remote from them. Whatever’s going on between Rey and Josh, I don’t think she was involved. Maybe after seeing Rey kiss Thorne, he got jealous and finally made this move.

I would know what that’s like.

And I really hoped he stayed blind. Because he must be blind if he doesn’t want Rey.

The boys make room for the girls, bringing in chairs for all three of them, and they take a seat. Except for K.

K coughs slightly, eyes directed at Will. She looks unsure of herself, which is a first. “Um, thanks for yesterday.”

He lifts his head to look at her, but it only stays there a second and then drifts to Rey. He shrugs. “Your sister made me.”

What is he talking about?

Rey smiles lightly as if they were sharing a secret.

I’m about to throw my tableware across the room. Why does everyone get involved with my girl?

Just that she isn’t—my girl, that is.

“What?” G asks in a sharp tone, eyes on K, who finally sits down.

Will shrugs again. He’s trying too hard to look casual. I can see through the act. “I found them outside the club last night and escorted them here as manners dictate.”

“Like the gentleman you’re not, you mean?” Finn corrects and the boys laugh.

It’s funny because it’s true.

Will looks at him, and his mouth tilts up. He lifts his glass of orange juice as if to say cheers. “I swear I was.”

“How gallant of you,” I retort acidly.

His smile only widens.

“That does not sound like you at all,” Griffin agrees with me.

“It’s true,” Pruitt says, pointing at Will and then to K. “He dragged her ass to bed. She was passed out on the sidewalk.”

K’s neckline reddens, and it reminds me so much of her twin, who’s usually quick to blush. My eyes trail to Rey, but she’s still having intense eye contact with Will.

What the fuck is going on here?

She kisses Thorne, cuddles with Mackenzie, and now she’s eye-fucking Will? If she’s horny, I’m about to remind her what I can do for her.

Only that’s a dangerous train of thought to take. The kiss from the party comes back to my mind, and I’m immediately semi-hard. I shift in my seat, thinking of Grandma. In my grey sweatpants, there is no hiding a physical reaction like that, and I refuse to get up until it’s gone or I’ll never live it down. The team would have a field day knowing I get a stiffy just thinking about kissing Rey.

“Thanks for that,” K says to Will, and she sounds sincere.

“Don’t mention it.” Will waves it off. Is he blushing? I have never seen Will blush in my life.

She bites her lip. “Heard you had to carry me.”

“Hurled you over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes. But no worries, you’re a lightweight,” he laughs and winks at her.

Her blush deepens, and I swear I can hear how G’s teeth clash. I try my hardest not to laugh, but when I see the way his knuckles whiten around his tablewear, I’m a goner.

“What’s so funny?” Pruitt asks me.

“Nothing,” I push out and try not to glance at the way G angles his knife. Will better be careful because G is about to stab him right here at the breakfast table.

It goes on in a typical manner. Except that G still looks ready to stab Will. I can’t blame him. Will took G’s place as the nice guy. Doesn’t seem to sit well with him. At least when it comes to K. Any other day he might’ve been proud.

“Shit,” K calls out suddenly, eyes glued to her phone. “How did this happen?”

“What?” Rey and Josh ask in unison, equally alarmed.

“I made out with Asher Thorne? There’s a tweet dedicated to me. All over CollegeDiraries. I don’t even remember it. But I don’t remember much. How could this happen?” she repeats, looking pained. “The squad is going to mock me so hard. They know of my No-Football-players-rule.”

“Or hockey,” Josh reminds her, and G’s gaze shoots to him.

Rey looks like she’s going to explode, she is that red. She makes a strangled noise. But she chooses to calm her sister, “You didn’t.”

“Fake news?”

“You didn’t, but I uhm... might have...” Rey admits finally in front of a bunch of judging eyes.

Brave girl.

Josh lets out an annoyed moan, and she glares at him. “Not a mixup again.”

“Again, Rey?” K sighs at the same time.

“He thought I was you anyway,” Rey adds swiftly, face taking on the color of a tomato. “Another twin twist.”

“Again, Rey?” K repeats, then buries her face in her hands. “Men truly are the dumbest species on earth.”

A lot of halfheartedly protests come from the table, but one glance from K and they all shut up.

“That’s not even the best part of it,” Rey mumbles, thumbs moving quickly on her phone, then shows her sister the message.

“Jesus, tell me he didn’t say that?” K looks shocked.

“What?” Josh wants to know. “Do I have to beat him up?”

K throws her hair over her shoulder, laughing. “Gosh no, he just made sure Rey knows he didn’t care which sister he gets. Asshole. And then there were the usual threesome requests.”

“Keera!” Rey gives her sister an accusing look.

“What? It’s not your fault he’s a pervert.”

“Ew,” Josh moans, and he looks seriously disgusted.

Davids chuckles loudly. “You’re not one to talk, Mackenzie.”

Josh frowns, and then it slowly dawns on him. “You guys do know they just slept over? Nothing happened.”

Rey’s and K’s mouths drop open at the same time. It’s almost like they didn’t even consider somebody believing in this very unlikely possibility.

I want to claim I never doubted them, but I’m equally guilty. Yet I still look at the guys like they’re the ones with a porn-addled mind, not me.

“Sure,” Davids drags the word.

“Sure,” Josh parrots then bangs his head against the table and sighs deeply. “Obviously, it isn’t so sure to everyone here.”

He’s right. It isn’t. Probably because at least half of the guys sitting at the table here are picturing them both. Half of them fantasize about at least one of them. I don’t have to guess who it is for G. And I know who’s been very present in my dreams lately.

After breakfast, I’m lounging around the kitchen, waiting for a new opportunity to talk to Rey. It comes when Josh heads outside to get the car, and K grabs her bag and follows him while Rey disappears in the bathroom.

I’m waiting for my moment, then I’m caging Rey on the floor after she emerges. Rookie is ready to drive them home, so I gotta make it quick.

Her eyebrows lift, eyes moving to the arms locking her in between me and the wall.

“Did you come when we dry-humped at the party?” I don’t know where the words come from. Me, obviously, but it’s not my usual tone. I wonder if she can tell how jealous I am. Is it obvious in my tone? Can she smell it in the air I breathe out?

I’ve never known how tight a chest could feel until I saw her kiss Thorne. Worst of all, I wasn’t sure if she knew what she was doing. But I can admit that this wasn’t the main reason for wanting to break them up. And that’s exactly the reason at first I didn’t.

Rey isn’t mine, and I have no right to my jealousy.

And yet, in the end, I couldn’t help myself.

“Wha—What,” she stutters, eyes going wide. But the flush staining her cheeks lets me know she is pictureing the visual.

I close in on her like a predator scenting prey. “I asked if you—”

“I heard you,” she cuts me off, the red deepening. I love that I have that effect on her. She can act cold all she wants, not glancing at me at all like at the breakfast table, but I know the truth.

I see her pupils widen, her tongue darts out to wet her suddenly dry lips. I can read the signs. Yes, she wants me. She still wants me. I screwed up, but it doesn’t matter. That didn’t change. For either of us.

“So?” I press.

“No.”

I frown. “No, you didn’t come? Or no, you aren’t going to answer my question?”

She coughs slightly and straightens, trying desperately to appear bigger than she is. She can try all she wants. Any girl is small compared to a hockey player. “I guess the answer would be the same.”

“But you were close.” That’s not a question, we both know it. And with satisfaction, I note how her pulse picks up the pace, making her blush harder.

Her gaze darts to my lips then back up. She shakes her head as if she has to shake herself out of a stupor.

Finally, she meets my gaze with narrowed eyes. Her tone turns clipped, “Is this supposed to become some male ego petting? If you need it that bad, fine I was close. So?”

A surprised laugh escapes my throat. “No male ego petting. Just checking in with you. You seemed to enjoy the ride.”

“There was no ride, only rubbing.”

I smirk wickedly at her. “We can change that.”

She sighs, “I guess I deserve you trying to play me in return, but I thought we were past that.”

I frown at her. “I’m not playing.”

Her tone takes on a note of accusation. “Of course, you are. Just yesterday you told me you didn’t want me to get the wrong impression.” Seeing my expression, she clarifies, “That you were jealous.”

What? That’s what she got from our conversation. And I thought I made myself clear. Will would not be my go-to person for relationship advice, but it seemed like he was right about one thing. Women are completely oblivious to any man who doesn’t write poems in his pursuit.

“Just that I was. I always am when it comes to you,” I admit because evidently, I have to make myself clearer.

“Liar,” she says, but her breath hitches when I lean down and trace her jawline with my mouth.

“Want me to prove it?” I mutter and brush her lips with mine. My eyelashes flutter shut against the soft skin of her lovely blushed cheeks.

When our gazes meet again, she’s got bedroom eyes too, and I can feel her pulse hammering beneath her skin. I lower my head, bringing our faces flush, allowing her the possibility to brace that last distance between us. To take what she wants.

But she’s unsure. She doesn’t move. Her eyes keep darting in a triangle motion from my eyes to my lips. She’s skittish like a bird. And if I don't want her to take off again and fly away I have to do something.

I grab the front of her sweatpants confidently and open the tight knot. When it comes apart her pants are sliding over her hips, way too big for her. She grabs them before they make it lower than the upper part of her panties, but she’s not pulling them back up.

Her eyes are wide, staring at me.

“I’m going to right my wrongs now. Slap me again anytime if this isn’t what you want,” I say, give her a second, and then I slide my hands in her—well, Josh’s sweatpants.

Her panties are soaked. It’s good to know the memory of our make-out session has the same effect on her as it has on me.

I use the big flat of my index finger to bring it down over the lacy material of her panties. She breathes harder, and then jerks towards me when I—ah, yeah I found her clit.

“Should I stop?” I ask throatily.

She shakes her head hard, so I repeat the motion. She makes a breathy sound and rewards me with a little moan.

I clamp my free hand over her mouth. “Shhh. They’ll hear us.”

The truth is I don’t know if it’s exciting to me they might hear me make her come. She’s mine, and I want everyone to know. But at the same time, she’s mine, and her sounds are for my ears only.

I feel her gulp heavily under my hand, but I don’t know if she hears what I say because her eyes stay heavy. To be fair I don’t stop touching while I tell her that, circling her clit slowly, then graze it ever so lightly. Or maybe the thought we might be caught is exciting to her. The last time we were at a party with the possibility of getting caught too.

I rub my finger over her clit, and she reacts strongly to my firmer touch. She was beautiful when I grazed her clit, playing with her, but now she’s stunning. I gauge the amount of pressure she likes, but she isn’t hard to please.

I know I got it right when I feel her teeth against my hand, her eyes completely glazed-over, sex-hazed.

I bring my middle finger and index finger together and move them with more intent. Rey’s body jerks, harder and more suddenly than expected. She makes a sound I can’t completely muffle while her eyes forced shut.

Her body shudders a moment longer, and I lean in, bracing her body with mine, so she doesn’t slide down the wall while she’s coming. And fuck, she is coming. She’s coming pretty hard. And she looks so beautiful, so sexy in pleasure I just want to give her more. But we’re both caught off guard, and I don’t want her to lose her balance, so I stare exactly where I am even when I know she’s done.

After she stares at me in shock, her hand still clenched around the sweatpants somewhere around her hips.

I flatten my hand against her pussy, I like to feel the warmth through her panties. I didn’t even get to touch her under it. I wished I got to feel her orgasm make her pussy clench around my fingers.

I take my hand from her mouth, it’s still slightly agape, and her eyes are still wide too. She blushes harder than I've ever seen it, and I’m pretty sure she’s embarrassed by her strong reaction. I never had a girl orgasm that quick, but I wouldn’t have mentioned it. Though I didn’t have to, I know she saw the surprise on my face.

Her hands go to my shoulders, digging in. But then she braces them against my pecs and pushes me off her. Rey is stronger than I would have guessed, but she frees herself more by surprising me than anything else.

She quickly fastens her sweatshirt, then her arms cross in front of her chest, and her brows dart together. Reading her body language, I know this isn’t a good sign. “Ben, I... thanks for watching out for me yesterday, but—”

“I shouldn’t have left,” I chime in.

“I don’t need a babysitter,” she finishes persistent.

“Still, I shouldn’t have left.”

And why are we even talking about this now?

Rey doesn’t want to talk to me about what just happened between us, but this feels... not right.

She asks, “Why?”

“You needed help with K, and that Will did is... surprising. Honestly, I’m more shocked than I can express. And then there was that douche Thorne...”

Thorne is actually a pretty chill dude, but I’m not going to tell her that. What he said to her came out completely wrong, I’m sure of that, but the dude was shitfaced after all. And that’s what most men will think about first when they see hot twins because of the stagnant porn addiction in our generation. Both are not true for me. I’ve only ever wanted one twin. And I haven’t watched porn since I met Rey anyway, picturing her is enough. And now she’s given me enough material to work with for the next year. Picturing her coming will be the highlight of every time I take my dick in my hand.

Griffin ruined porn for me anyway with his ted-talks about how unethical porn is. This is why most guys started following adult creators on OnlyFans, that way we can be sure they were in control of what they put out there.

I’m ready to explain all of this, not the porn stuff, the stuff about only wanting her. To get us back on track. So we can work this out.

Rey chokes out a laugh. “We’re at college, Ben. I’m probably going to kiss a lot more guys when I’m drunk.”

Last night I asked her to tell me if she wants me to not intervene when she’s drunk, is this it? But there’s another meaning hidden there. And it’s clear. This, what just happened between us, is whatever. It happens. We’re horny college students. It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean you have a claim on me. This might be the only time you ever get to touch me.  

Maybe I’m projecting or it’s my own insecurity coming to light, but it’s still the essential point. I know I gave her a good orgasm, so that can’t be it. But maybe there’s another option. Maybe she wasn’t ready for this. I asked her if she wanted me to stop, and she didn’t. But by that point, she might have already been too caught up in the feeling. Maybe I pushed her too hard.

“Rey, did I... overstep? Did you not want me to...” My whole body is tense. If I did I’ll just walk myself over to Josh, tell him everything, and hope he’ll beat me up.

“God, no, Ben.” She lets out a little laugh. “It’s nothing. It’s whatever.”

I grit my teeth together and try not to show how hard that comment hit me. Like a punch straight to the kidney. I cross my arms in front of my chest now too, mirroring her.

“What?” she asks, oblivious to the fact that it would’ve hurt much less if she’d just kicked me in the balls.

“Fine.” I shrug. “I’m glad I got you off, it was no bother at all. Pretty quick too. And now that I know your stance about drunk hookups, I won’t intervene anymore.”

She whirls toward the kitchen, checking if someone heard. It’s a little late for that now. Her cheeks are bright pink with embarrassment, and I could kick myself. Didn’t I promise myself earlier I wouldn’t mention it?

We hear footfalls and a second later Josh appears. He frowns at our postures, arms still crossed at each other. It doesn’t seem to bother him though because he just says, “You ready to go, Rey?”

She nods, and I follow them into the living room where K waits for them. G flashes his very best pantie-dropping smile at her —the one that shows off his wolfish teeth and usually works—but K looks completely unaffected by it and just checks her watch instead of giving him another look.

I give him a bitter grin.

Seems we’re both out of luck. 

Mondays Coach allows us to bring food since we watch game tape before hitting the ice. However, I can tell he regrets it every time he hears Burgdoff’s loud chewing noises.

I should probably concentrate on Coach’s advice, but my thoughts are still with Rey. The whole way our conversation went down both yesterday morning and the night before.

She was so receptive to me, all I had to do was bring our bodies close for her to blush, to make her come for me, to get the electric feeling between us back, the chemistry. It’s so good. Yet the night before she acted as if hooking up was just something to get out of the way.

I’m aware Deluca screwed me with his comment on how desperate I was to go down on her. He isn’t wrong, of course, but it might made it seem to Rey that I’m only interested because our back-and-forth has turned into a challenge.

The truth is I just want to make her come.

“Right, Captain Morgen?” Coach says.

My head snaps up. “Right.”

I really hope I didn’t just agree to clean the locker rooms after our practices because he was scolding us for being too messy.

But Coach just nods, satisfied. Then starts the tape again. It’s the goal I scored in the third period, so I force myself to listen.

“And where were YOU Burgdoff?” Coach asks. “If Will hadn’t been there to bully that goon, which by the way he shouldn’t have been, you’re offense, trust fund. But if he hadn’t been, then he couldn’t have blocked that motherfucker and passed to Ben, and there would've been no goal. You should’ve been there, not Will. That was your job, Burgdoff!”

His face was red by now, and his tone pitched way louder than necessary. But we’re used to it. “Do you see where you screwed up, Burgdoff?”

Burgdoff does agree, though he has little choice.

My thoughts trail off again.

Should I bring Rey her coffee today?

No, that would be too pushy.

But if she truly believes I was after her as a challenge, wouldn’t that prove my point?

I drag a hand over my face, uncertain, and very ready to tear all my skin off.

No, I was very clear about what I want from her. She needs to make that move, and not because she thinks it’s inevitable. Because she wants to. No, needs to.

My nails are short, yet, I can feel them press into the insides of my palms at the thought she might never. But at least I have a clean conscience then. I will not demand anything from her. If I keep pursuing her now, she might think I want payback, that I want her to get me off in turn.

And I want that, of course. But because she wants to get me off the same way I’m already dreaming about getting her off again.

Fuck. I’m getting a boner again. And I jerked off all day and night yesterday thinking about that look on Rey’s face when she came in my hand.

I shake off the thought there might be another explanation, Rey not wanting it to be just a hookup. She knows how hockey season is, and she just started college and is busy herself, I can’t believe she’s looking for a relationship. If she didn’t want fun she wouldn’t have hooked up with Thorne. And I can give her fun.

Or what would be worse, Rey still being in love with Josh, panicking when she realized she made out with his teammate. There is always a bro code when it comes to friends. But when it comes to teammates it’s even stricter because we can’t have a girl getting between two players, possibly fucking up their ability to play together.

But that’s not it, is it?

In the end, it doesn’t matter. I know I can’t chase her now. I’ll have to wait. Whatever the outcome is.

No, she’ll come to me. Maybe she needs time to figure out for herself that there’s no chemistry like the one we share. And I’ll wait until she does. Until she’s ready. Even if that means waiting at the sideline, watching her be with other men.

I can do it.

I open my hands, watching the crescent-shaped nail marks on my palms before stuffing my hands in my jeans.

Chapter Text

I feel stupid enough about this whole mess, I don’t need Luke making it worse. But he seems to enjoy himself too much. The only reason I don’t stop him is that he can connive that my face is more frequently on CollegeDiaries for both of our liking.

I still feel bad enough about Thorne as it is. And it wasn’t really a twin twist because he didn’t know I wasn’t K. But a twin twist merely means that someone likes the other twin, usually knowing there are two while in a twin trick the person doesn’t and gets played. Like Ben.

I’m trying very hard not to think about Ben at all. I shouldn’t have allowed him to touch me the way he did. My sister would say I needed to get it out of my system, but I haven’t even told her. I can’t bear seeing her knowing face after I gave that big speech about being done with Ben.

Which is exactly why I’m here. On a date with Luke.

Other men and all.

He gives me a look I don’t want to interpret as condescending, but I don’t know how else to describe it as he says, “I mean I knew something was off, Rey. You were behaving so completely out of the norm on the last date. I should’ve known it was your sister, after all, you told me about your twin.”

I look up from my plate of spaghetti. Luke chose this very fancy Italian restaurant. He never misses out on a chance to flaunt his family’s money. It’s embarrassing to admit, but it took me at least three dates to finally realize that he liked going out more than me. Which allows him to brag however much he wants, to him that must be a pro too, I guess.

If it weren’t for that I could have liked Luke.

He’s a handsome enough guy. Light blond curls that fall over his brow and brown eyes I am a sucker for. He doesn’t work out but isn’t exactly skinny either.

“Everything alright with you?” Luke asks me when he opens the door from his sports car for me. It’s a vintage Mustang. I try and fail to surpass the thought that he doesn’t deserve a car this nice. “You’ve been so absent all evening.”

I’m surprised he even noticed since he was so caught up in his stories about the last big family reunion at Larson Manor. Surprise, surprise, the men in his family play polo.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I was with my thoughts somewhere else.”

With Ben and how he tried to kiss me last weekend. How much I wanted it and how it took everything in me to push him from me. How he made me come but didn’t kiss me. How the orgasm surprised me so hard it’s embarrassing.

Luke gives me a sympathetic nod. “It must be hard that everybody is placing you on the same level as your sister.”

I frown. “What do you mean by that?”

He raises a brow, glancing from the road to me. “I mean I didn’t mean to say something because she’s your sister and all, but when I went out with her thinking she was you...”

“Sorry about that again,” I chime in, ruefully.

He winks. “Ah, I don’t mind being a study. I bet you are a hardworking student.” His grin fades. “But what I was trying to say is that she was trying too hard. Maybe she just is the kind of girl that always gets what she wants. But after she didn’t get me to kiss her, she literally threw herself at me... quite desperately. She was so flirty before, almost on the verge of slutty, but that last part was plain trashy.”

I bawl my fists. “Did you just call my sister trashy?”

His laugh is high-pitched. “No of course not, Rey. I just said she was behaving like that. Guess she is a sore loser and wanted to win badly enough.”

“That’s the same thing to me. You insulted her,” I snap.

“I... come on, you know I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Pull over,” I command.

“What?”

“Pull over, asshole, I’m done with you.”

He gawks at me. “Are you for real?”

“I rather walk than spend another second breathing the same air as you.”

“Now, you’re just being dramatic.”

“Pull over,” I scream.

“Alright, calm down.” He drives to the side of the road. We are still too far from town. I’ll have to call an Uber. Still, I get out of Luke’s car and slam the door shut behind me.

Luke gets out and walks around the car. “Listen, Rey. I get why you’re upset, but It’s not my fault that your sister threw herself at me, all hot. If I wanted to I could’ve easily fucked her, but you know I’m not that kind of guy. I’m a gentleman, and I treat a lady respectfully. Sorry that I’m the one that has to break it to you, but she’s not.”

My anger builds up to the point, I can’t take it anymore. I slam my fist in his face. He stumbles back and hits the side of his car with a satisfying sound.

He looks up, staring at me in disbelief and a hint of fear. “What the hell is your problem?”

“You. You are my goddam problem. Never ever insult my sister you sexist piece of shit. And just so you know how much of a lady I am.” I point at my chest. “I screwed my best friend drunk at prom night, then screwed some more guys to get over him, every single one of them meaningless one nightstand. I dry-humped Ben Solo at the party I was at instead of the date with you. I made out wasted with that wide receiver Thorne in the club last weekend. Completely. Wasted.”

His eyes widen. “You’re not who I thought you were.”

“That’s okay. I don’t want to be,” I say and leave.

An hour later I’m exhausted and my feet hurt. I wish I wouldn’t have put on the boots with the heels, but they go well with my wide-swinging little black dress. Now, to cap it all, they soaked from the rain. My hair is wet and hanging in my face, my make-up is mostly washed away.

 My phone is dead. And I seriously consider stopping at the first sorority house I see and ask for a charger, so I can call Josh and ask him to pick me up. But I don’t trust my pathetic state to not make it on CollegeDiaries again, so I keep walking.

I sigh in relief when I reach Greek Row. Only five minutes later I ring the bell of Hockey House. I have to wait longer than I expected, but after a minute Griffin opens up.

“Rey,” he calls out, eyes widening in surprise. “You look like hell.”

“Thanks,” I mumble, then lift my head defiantly. “Is Josh here?”

“He already left, with your sister actually. Do you want to wait for them here?” His eyes move over my wet appearance. “I can bring you a towel. Or twenty.”

I nod because I don’t feel particularly like walking through the rain again. I shrug out of my coat. Luckily my dress stayed mostly dry under the thick layers.

Griffin eyes me under the light of the floor lamps. “Did you cry?”

“No, of course not. Not because of that asshole. I just walked through the rain for quite a bit.” I laugh it off, but when I turn, I catch a peek of myself in the floor mirror, and I can’t blame Griffin for thinking that. My mascara is smeared all over my cheeks. Shit.

Griffin frowns. “Why’s that? And which asshole let you walk through the rain all alone?”

I shrug. “I told him to let me get out.”

Griffin’s facial expression becomes stern. “You aren’t hurt, are you?”

Ben immediately appears in the open living room door, and I realize he must’ve heard every word I exchanged with Griffin. His face speaks of concern, though he tries to shake it off. He leans against the doorframe, but his body is uptight.

He wears grey sweats and a white shirt that hugs his abs so fine you can see every one of his perfectly shaped muscles. I tear my gaze off him before my mouth starts to water and find Griffin’s face. The look on it reminds me of his question.

“Why would I be hurt?” I ask confused.

“He didn’t try anything with you? Something you didn’t want to do?” he asks, voice soft and understanding. He holds out a hand as if he wants to comfort me and only then it dawns on me. Griffin thinks Luke tried to sexually assault me, and that’s why I got out of the car.

“NO!” My eyes widen. “Gosh, no, Griffin. He would never do something like that.” I laugh. “He hasn’t even kissed me. Told me that made him a gentleman, and he treats ladies respectfully who deserve it.”

Griffin wrinkles his forehead. “What does that even mean?”

So I tell them everything. I tell him about the little bet I had with Keera, about how we switched places before the party, and she went to my date with Luke. How she tried to prove that any man could pick up on her signs.

“He’s probably closeted or hard in denial,” Ben interjects.

Griffin nods in agreement. “Because your sister is right, we pick up on signs.”

I sigh, “That’s what Keera and Josh said. Maybe that’s why he trash-talked her today.”

“That’s why you got out of his car?” Griffin presses. “He honestly didn’t try something funny?”

I shake my head. “He probably couldn’t even if he tried. He slumped down like a doll after I hit him in the face.”

Ben grins unexpectedly. “You hit him?”

I blush. “I had to. He talked real shit.”

“Misogynistic piece of shit,” Griffin agrees.

“Was it a hard hit?” Ben wants to know.

I shrug. “I guess, though I can do better. Dean taught us to do better, he’d be disappointed.”

“Your brother does know how to land a hard punch.” Ben laughs, even though I find nothing funny about that remark. He should not know that. I wince.

“He might drag my ass to court for it,” I remark anxious.

“Nah,” Griffin says the same moment Ben’s face falls and he says acidly, “Don’t worry, your new best friend Will will surely help you out with his connections.”

I frown. “He probably knows Luke’s family. They’re extremely loaded too.”

“See, no worries.” Ben disappears back into the living room.

I give Griffin a questioning look, but he only shrugs. “I’m getting you a towel so you can dry off your hair. Need some clothes?”

“Nah, my dress is dry.”

So Griffin only comes back with a clean towel, and then he winks at me before heading to the door. “Now I really have to go.”

 “What?” I freeze. “Where are you and Ben going? Am I supposed to stay here all alone?”

“You can watch TV, Netflix or sports in the living room, but no funny business with changing the channels. And you’re not alone. Ben is staying in tonight.” Another insinuating wink.

I moan. Great. That’s just great.

There is an awkward silence between us since Griffin and Will went to a frat party and left us all by ourselves. Ben lounges in the corner of the U-shaped Couch, and I’m in the opposite corner, hands pinched between my knees, rocking restlessly back and forth.

Ben raises his eyes from his book to me. “You know you could turn on the TV, watch something.”

I make a face. “I don’t want it bothering you.”

He’s already absorbed by his book again. “It wouldn’t.”

“You sure you could concentrate on your book then?” I bite my lip.

He raises his head, watches me for a moment, then puts the book aside. “When you watch TV, yes, but if you choose to keep talking to me, no.”

I gulp, “Sorry.”

He nods and goes back to his book, but before he can keep on, I add the question, “What are you reading?”

He lowers his book and when he raises his gaze to meet mine again his lips twitch, then he holds up the book, so I can take a look at the cover. “Throne of Glass.”

 “Oh, I love Sarah J Mass. The only ones my sister and I can agree on. She’s mostly reading science fiction, and I’m more of a fantasy girl,” I admit, then I blush, biting my lip again because I’m babbling, and he hasn’t even asked.

But his mouth curves wider, “Griffin’s a science fiction guy too. I don’t mind the genre so much as long the book is good. Throne of Glass has been extremely hyped, of course, but actually, I’m only reading it because my Mum doesn’t want my stepsister to read it since she heard the author writes smut stuff now.”

I’m surprised he even knows that word. But it’s the other thing he says that truly hits home. I can’t help how touched I am by his selfless gesture, or how surprised. He obviously loves his stepsister no less than if she’d have been his blood. “You read it so you can tell your sister what happens in them?”

He shakes his head, lightly chuckling. “No, I read it, so I can tell my Mum how well-suited it is for younger readers. I mean, I’d tell her that anyway, even if it wasn’t. Probably gonna have to leave some parts out.”

He flashes me a wicked grin and winks.

“And she would just believe you like that?” I arch a brow.

Ben shrugs lazily. “I guess she has to since she certainly won’t take the time to read the book herself.”

Oh. That surprises me. There’s no hint of accusation in his tone, still, I sense tension there. I bite my lip again because I don’t know what to say to that. I’m sure he doesn’t want me pestering him. “How old is your stepsister?”

“I have three stepsiblings. Two girls, sixteen and fourteen. And one stepbrother who’s eleven. Then I have another half-sister. She’s seven. Sara, the fourteen-year-old is the one obsessed with Sarah J Maas.”

Only then it does fully dawn on me how little I know of him. Practically nothing. It shouldn’t shock me this hard. I don’t know why I felt like I knew him. I don’t.

“What is it?”

I look at him and realize his facial expression has changed. His face shows mild worry. Do I look this awful?

No, the better question is, why do I feel so awful?

I want to know these things about him, that’s why.

Shit.

I’ve been fucking kidding myself pretending I could just move on and date other guys. My little denial bubble bursts right in my face, and I don’t know what to do.

“Nothing,” I answer quickly enough for him to frown.

“Do you have other siblings than those I know of?”

“No.”

“Are you and your brother... cool after everything?”

I laugh. “Dean isn’t the overbearing type. Though I knew he would prefer me dating anyone but an opponent.”

Ben sounds honestly beat up about it when he says, “I’m sorry if I caused any tension.”

“You didn’t,” I object. I mean it, but he doesn’t seem to buy it, so I even crack a joke that brings a little smile out of him. “Don’t flatter yourself.”

His teeth flash. “I try not to, but it’s hard when you keep looking at me like that.”

I haven’t even done it consciously, but I guess my pupils dilate every time I glance at him. I blush and hang my head just enough for some strands to fall to cover my face. I bawl my fist and loosen it. Do it over and over again. A nervous tick I can’t stop myself from displaying.

Ben’s hand covers both of mine, and I jerk, surprised he slid closer. He has left his corner and is now up in mine. I don’t look up, even though I’m tempted. I want to read his face. Instead, my gaze is fixed on our hands. I’m stunned by how huge his is. That’s a real paw he’s got there. My sister doesn’t like this kind of man-hands while I’ve always been fascinated by it. I find it masculine.

Gulping I raise my chin. He studies me, probably wondering why my cheeks are so red. After all, he only touched my hand. Nothing indecorous about that. Still, my whole body feels hot.

I yield under his questioning look, babbling, “You have nice hands.”

He furls his brows. He shouldn’t look this hot doing that. Damn. “They’re rough.”

I’m well aware of the calluses on his hands, but I happen to like that. Something my sister and I agree on, though we don’t often when it comes to our preferences in men. Calluses and an athletic body, that is all.

Shrugging I say, “I’m used to that,” before I realize how it must sound. I quickly add, “I mean you know my brother plays hockey as well, but my father was a hockey player in college too, and he knocked Mum up when he was just a senior, so he got us when he just finished college and his hands always felt rough—is all I wanted to say.”

His eyes narrow slightly, but there is no mistaking that I’m amusing him. “Are you saying my hands feel like your father’s?”

“No,” I breathe out shocked.

“Do they remind you of him? Do you have daddy issues?”

He’s fucking with me. That damned smirk says it all. I bury my face in my hands and groan, “I hate you.”

His grin just widens. Then he’s serious again, his voice a little bit rough when he asks, “Did you ever date an athlete, Rey?”

I keep studying him from the corner of my eye. “Why do you want to know?”

He studies me right back. “I’ve been wondering.”

He has been wondering? That does indeed sound like he thought about it more than just once, maybe even often. I raise my head to meet his gaze, straightening my body. “Dating? No.”

He cocks a brow. “And something else?”

“I...” I pause not knowing if I should tell him all this. But he told me about his family, and maybe I can poke around in his dating life after his inquisition too. After all, he started this. “Yes.”

“What kind of sport? Football, baseball... hockey?”

I shake my head, laughing. “All three. Though I wouldn’t call them athletes, more you know... high school jocks. Except maybe Josh, who snatched a scholarship with it and is going pro.”

He stares at me a long moment before he says, voice pulled tautly. “You’ve been with Josh.”

Fuck. It only dawns on me then. “I didn’t say that,” I quickly object. “I said he wasn’t a high school jock, that’s all.”

“So you weren’t?” His eyes stay glued to me, following every twitching of expression that passes my face.

“I—I—” I can’t say it. I can’t lie.

“That’s an answer, Rey.”

No, it’s not. The disappointment on his face makes my throat close up. I couldn’t say something now even if I tried. I just don’t know if he’s disappointed because I wasn’t honest with him or because I was with Josh.

“It was only once,” I choke out.

“You don’t have to explain yourself,” he cuts in.

“Prom night.” Now that I started, I can’t stop. “Everyone was having an after-party in that hotel, and I thought... and we were drunk, so it kinda just happened.”

“He shouldn't have done it then.” His face clouds.

I shake my head defeated. My voice sounds weak when I admit, “No. I shouldn’t have done it.” 

“No, you were drunk.”

“He was too. But I thought it meant something it didn’t.”

“What did you think it meant?”

I bite my lip. “I don’t know... love?” I can’t look up at his face and meet his gaze, instead, I’m clasping my hands again. He must think me completely pathetic. It sure sounds like it. I swiftly add, “I’m not naive, I swear. I just—”

“Rey.” His voice is soft, trying to keep me from babbling again, but there’s no stopping the flow.

“He ditched his date for me, so I thought... I really don’t know what I thought, maybe that it meant he was reciprocating my feelings. I don’t know, it was stupid. And I was stupid.”

“Rey,” he stops me, his voice harsher this time. “You’re not stupid. He’s stupid for not seeing what was right in front of him.”

I lift my head, biting my lip. “Thanks.”

“I just have one question.”

Finally, I manage to meet his gaze again.

“Are you still in love with Josh?”

Chapter Text

It kills me to ask this question, but I need to know. God, I might die if she’s still in love with him. I want her so bad. And I don’t want to share her, not even in thought, not even in a fantasy of hers, even if she doesn’t mean to relive what happened between us. I can’t be just a rebound, not to her.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What is happening here? I can only think about the explosive chemistry we have. That must be it. There just is no other explanation.

I can feel it sizzling between us, even after my question should’ve killed it. It just won’t die.

Rey laughs, and it doesn’t seem fake at all. “No. God no. I... Wait, why would you even think that? Because I slept in his room?”

I shrug, trying my hardest to appear indifferent. “It’s not that far-fetched.”

She laughs again, shaking her head. And it takes a load off my mind. She already said it only happened once, and I believe her. I decide to change the topic. I slide closer to her, so we’re face to face. “Tell me something about yourself.”

I blink surprised. “Like what?”

“I don’t know. Like what is your favorite color or food? What do you like to do for fun? What is your major? What do you want to do later? How is the robotics club going? Do I need to beat anyone up?” All these questions come suddenly into my mind, and I realize I’ve been asking them myself for the past few weeks.

Her smile lights up her face and makes her doe eyes appear lighter. “I need something sweet in the morning. My sister and I both do. Our mother always says we have an abnormally big sweet tooth. I love to stay in with snacks and binge-watch a whole season of some show. And I need coffee in the morning, which you know. And no you don’t need to beat anyone up, all is well. How about you?”

I give her my sexiest wink. “I don’t like coffee for starters, and I’m not much of a sweets guy. What is your favorite treat?”

“Reese’s. My whole family loves peanut butter and my siblings used to love them too, but then Dean and Keera got into a fight about who can eat more Reese's cups and started this eating contest.” She giggles. “It’s hard to say which of them is the more competitive one. No one wanted to give up and they ended up throwing up all night. They still can’t smell peanut butter for the life of them.” She laughs while she talks, skin glowing, all fond of the memory, and I can’t keep my eyes off her.

But I dislike that she always brings up Keera at all times. It’s almost as if she feels like she needs to point out all the similarities and differences there are between them, so I can tell them apart. Or she does it unconsciously, used to people needing the crutch.

“I asked about you and not your sister though. You don’t have to have the feeling you need to help me see the difference. I do, and I can tell you apart. But I let you get away with this story because you just gave me a valuable insider tip. Next game I just hold a Reese's cup under your brother’s nose,” I joke.

Rey throws her head back and laughs so hard she starts so snort. “What a way to win a game.” She sees my wide grin and claps a hand over her mouth. “Did I snort?”

I nod. “It was immensely cute.”

She blushes hard, groaning, “No!” Then she swiftly changes the topic, “And who doesn’t like coffee?”

“Me. I only drink it if I really need the caffeine boost.” I grin so wide at her, she’s getting a good look at my teeth. I see her pulse fasten, she stares, and I have to look away. The way she keeps biting her lips every other second is already too much for me, if she keeps looking at me like that, I won’t be able to keep myself from kissing her any longer.

“Why don’t you like coffee?”

I meet her gaze again. The look is wiped off her face, and eventually, I can breathe again. “It’s too sweet with sugar and too bitter without.”

 “You legit aren’t much for sweet things,” she repeats.

 “Not when it comes to drinks and foods.” Our gaze locks again, and I see her gulp. I know she understands that I really mean, that the sweet thing I’m dying to get a taste of is her. “You haven’t answered my other questions.”

“Which one?”

Suddenly I can’t recall anything anymore. Not with us eye-fucking this hard. “I don’t know.” I try to shake myself out of it, forcing my brain to function. Is that my voice that sounds so out of breath? “What your favorite color is?”

“Um... I don’t think I have a favorite color. Do you?” It’s obviously as hard for her to concentrate as it is for me. She wets her dry lip, and I have to squinch my eyes shut, but I can still see her lick her lips before my inner eye in an infinite loop.

“Red. Red would look good on you,” I answer hoarsely. Now I see her splayed out on the couch in nothing but a little red thingy, licking her lips, waiting for me, impatiently rubbing her body against the soft leather.

I lean back and take a long breath. She is too close to me, I can smell her lingering perfume, and her very own scent intensified by the rain.

My dick is swelling against my leg, strapped down by my sweatpants, but they don’t do much to hide the way I feel, and if she looks down she’ll see just how she affects me.

“Ben?” Her voice snaps me out of it. But I can’t unharden my cock. I’ve been hot for her since I saw her worry her lower lip, now she’s soothing the same spot with her tongue, and I’m a goner.

“Hm?” I groan pained, eyes still closed. If I get any harder, then she doesn’t even have to look down, my dick will poke right into her line of vision. That’ll get very embarrassing very soon. The only condolence I have is that I can tell by her flushed cheeks and bedroom eyes she’s just as turned on as I am.

“You alright?” she asks, and I glare at her, with heat, not anger. She returns the sentiment. Her breath hitches, pupils dilated widely. “Hazel,” she suddenly mumbles, staring deeply into my eyes. “I like hazel.” Then she blushes so damn hard her cheeks seem to be on fire.

“Fuck, Rey.” I groan and bring our lips together. My kiss isn’t soft. It isn’t as rough as it was when I was pissed off at her in her room either. But I’m definitely taking more than I did at the party.

I swore to myself I let her come to me, but I don’t care if I’m breaking that oath. If she’s not stopping me, I’m finally tasting her. I want to make her come again.

“Ben,” she moans in my mouth and climbs on my lap, straddling me. I almost jerk off the couch when she settles, and her crotch is pressed against my groin.

My dick throbs. I need to slow her down or I’m not going to last very long.

“Fuck,” I breathe out again, grab her by the hips and lift her off my lap. I lower into the cushions of the couch and follow her down to kiss her again.

Rey parts her lips for me right away, and I slip my tongue inside. She moans when I play with her tongue and answers with the same enthusiasm. I return the sounds I tease out of her with a deep groan.

Fuck. She tastes so good.

I wrench our lips apart and take a look at her. She looks so hot under me that it takes all my self-control to not get her naked. I don’t want to spook her by acting prematurely.

She’s equally out of breath as I am, eyes fluttering, half-masted. She’s enjoying the aftermath of our kiss. I trace her jawline with my lips, down to her neck, and slowly suck.

She lets out a harsh breathing sound, followed by a deep moan. I remember her being sensitive there, so I take my sweet time, playing with her until she’s squirming restlessly under me. She wraps a leg around my hip and wrenches a moan form me when she starts grinding our lower bodies together.

I have to stop her. My dick is harder than a hammer. I could come from her dry-humping me and that’s not gonna happen. I refuse to come before she does. At last, I have to live up to a reputation.

“Uff, Rey. Wait.” I grab her hips and spike her back on the couch.

“No waiting, Ben, please don’t stop.” She squirms under me, trying to find that hard pressure against her sweet spot. I don’t blame her for not being able to take the wait, I’m dying here. I need to do something for her. I just haven’t decided yet what. I consider all the amazing options I have with her now.

Just fingering her to orgasm has the plus that I can see her come, but that excludes tasting her. And although I’ve already seen her come, I’ve been dying to see her come apart again. I’ve been picturing her every night, ever since that day. Sometimes dreaming of it, and waking up with a massive hard-on, stroking myself off to that same memory of her.

I can’t stop myself from reaching out to her.

My mouth closes over the swell of her breast. I taste the fabric of her thin dress, but the barrier only makes me push my tongue harder against her nipple, suck it all the harder into my mouth.

“Ben,” she cries out, breathing hard as she still tries to free her hips out of my grip, so she can push our lower bodies back together. Her hands are planted against my pecs, and I almost laugh at her tenacity, but that’s not my state of mind right now. I give her curved hips a squeeze, and she moans out, “Ben, no teasing no more. Please!”

I answer with a groan and come up to bring our lips back together. Mumbling in her mouth, “Wait a sec. Just give me a sec, sweetheart.” Because I need to cool off or I shoot in my pants while I’m getting you off.

“No teasing!” Her breath hitches when my index finger moves over her stomach, down to where she needs me. But I’m moving slowly, breathing hard, trying to keep my cool.

Rey shuts her eyes, and when she opens them they’re glossy. Fuck is she crying? Her voice cracks. “Is this revenge?”

I hold her gaze completely stunned. Is she serious? That is what she accused me of last weekend on the rookie floor too. It’s insane. Why would I go so far with her if I just wanted to tease her? Teasing her is teasing me right back. I mean, I wasn’t afraid of shooting my load too soon since high school.

But Rey must honestly think that because now she’s seriously slapping my hands away now and trying to get on her feet, away from me.

Where the fuck does she think she’s going?

I grab her by the hip and push her back on the couch. Then I move up, this time letting the weight of my body push her deeper into the couch. Not all of me though, I’m heavy enough to crush her. I bring our faces close to each other. “Why is everything so complicated with you, Rey?”

She blinks at me, confused, but waiting for my next move in anticipation. She doesn’t fight me anymore, so I lean down and kiss her until we’re both dizzy. Mumbling in her mouth between kisses, “Stop overthinking, Rey. Just don’t think. Let it happen.”

Moans echo in the living room. I don’t care. Or that the door to the floor is open. Nobody is home and won’t be for the next few hours.

I slide my hands under the seam of her dress, but wait until she urges me to go farther, legs rubbing my hands on their own. I slide them up until they meet with her hips. My fingertips connect with lace. I groan. My thump rubs over the fabric right over her clit, and her body jerks up against me. She’s breathing hard. “Ben.”

“Can I take them off?” I ask hoarse, hooking my fingers under the fabric of her panties that covers her hip bone.

“Yes,” she almost begs, but surprise flashes shortly enough over her face. I didn’t ask her the last time, I just told her to slap me away if she wanted, but this time I’m going to make goddamn sure we’re going somewhere here.

I slide her panties down. Glance lace. I groan, “These are sexy as fuck. I hope you didn’t wear them for that pansy-ass.”

She shakes her head, sounding sincere when she admits, “I wear them for me. I feel sexy when I get to dress up.”

I let her see my hungry gaze, although I’m sure it was hard to miss the last half hour. Or my huge boner. “You certainly look sexy.”

She blushes. I jump to my feet and walk around the table, so I’m standing exactly in front of the end of the couch. I grab her bare ankle and slide her to me until her ass is on the verge of the chaise, the skirt of her dress riding up. She laughs confused, but it stops instantly when I slide down to the ground, so I can kneel right between her legs.

“Ben...” Her eyes are wide. “You don’t have to...”

My mouth crooks into a wide, smug grin. “A few minutes ago, you looked ready to punch me because I wasn’t getting you off fast enough.”

Her cheeks have that perfect rosy tint now, it suits her. She looks even cuter than before. Rey really is a sweet, sweet girl, and I’m dying to find out if she tastes sweet too.

“There are other ways, though, you don’t have to do that. I know guys don’t like that...”

I roll my eyes at that. I heard that quite a few times now. “Maybe they aren’t any good at it.” I hook my hands behind her knees and pull her hip closer to me without my eyes leaving hers. I let her see the want there and find it mirrored in hers. “I like it. And I want to taste you. Unless you don’t want me to do that to you? There are all types of ways I can make you come.”

Her eyes almost leave her sockets at my upfront exclamation. She lowers her lashes until they brush her cheeks, ashamed.

But I don’t see why I should dance around it. “I can make you come either way, but we haven’t been intimate yet, Rey, which means you need to tell me what you like.”

She lifts her head, gulping, “I want you to... if you want.”

I don’t take the time to reassure her. It’s time for her to shake under the best orgasm she ever had. Yet. Because there’s no denying I need to fuck her or that she wants me to.

I push up the seam of her dress higher until I’m uncovering her pussy, spread her legs, and pull them over my shoulder, so they aren’t in the way when I’m diving in deep.  

 My tongue darts between her folds, licking the wetness from her entrance to her clit. I groan.

Fuck. She tastes good.

She approves with hot moans and urges me to keep going by moving against my face. Damn. She tastes just as good as I imagined, better even. I moan with her, but my sounds are muffled against her warm, slick skin.

I focus on her clit. I quickly find out what she likes. Her breath comes out hitched, and her moans turn up louder every time I take her clit between my lips and slightly suck. I let go and lick again. Let her calm down, then suck again.

She shakes with the foretelling of an orgasm every time I suck on her. But I never let her get there. I made her come too quickly the last time, and I intend to draw out the pleasure for her. I want her to get wet every time she thinks about this, knowing it was the best time someone went down on her. That is until she starts begging me.

I just can’t say no to her.

“Ben! Please! I’m so close,” she cries out, body shaking so hard, I’m afraid she’ll pass out. “NO! Don’t stop that again. I know you know what you’re doing, and it’s torture.”

Rey is a talker in bed. That is interesting and so not what I expected. It seems she needs to get there though because she didn’t babble when I fingered her on the floor, though I did muffle her sounds with my hand. Or maybe it was because that orgasm surprised her then. Now, she knows exactly what’s coming and she wants it so bad.

I’m already interested in getting to know more about her, wanting to know what else I can wrench from her in the throes of passion. When I’m buried deep inside her. If she ever lets me.

“Ben! Please!” she begs. Her hand slides over my scalp, clawing at my hair, trying to push me to where she needs me, to give her what she needs.  

 I laugh lowly against her, and she quivers. I take her clit back in my mouth. I suck and let my tongue swirl over the little bud until she begins to shake uncontrollably, her legs tightening around my ears. She orgasms so hard her pussy pulses under my tongue.

“Ben!” she screams my name out again and again.

Fuck. I almost come when I hear her say my name when she reaches her climax. I grab my dick over my sweatpants and squeeze while I lightly stroke my tongue over her clit to work her through the orgasm, to let her come down slowly. But now I can’t stop myself.

My common sense tells me to let her come down, but I moan against her and the vibration of the sound gets her close again, I can feel it. Just when I hear a door crack, I take her clit back in my mouth and give it a deep suck before I’m pushing my tongue down on it as if I were pushing buttons.

And there she goes again.

“Ben!” she screams, pants, and screams again. “Oh fuck! I’m coming again.”

We both come to our senses only after I work her through her second orgasm. I lift my head and see in the corner of my eye...

Fuck. I pull Rey’s dress down as fast as I can. She gives me a confused glance before her head spins to the door, her eyes widen and her throat escapes an embarrassed scream.

Next, she’s flying through the air, landing on the ground. She grabs the blanket from the couch and disappears under it fully.

 That was actually quite impressive. I didn’t think her this fast. Or her reactions. She should consider trying out for the women’s hockey team.

The male chuckles that echo from the door to the floor where my drunk teammates crowd makes Rey not come out of her nest.

“Glad you finally let him go down on you, Rey,” Deluca calls. “Now we can all rest in peace knowing that.”

I get up and slam the door in their faces, earning groans of protest.

Chapter Text

Rey:

I hear the door jam shut, but I’m still unable to move. I will never get over the fact that Josh and Keera just witnessed me orgasm. Their stares will haunt me in my dreams.

I can’t believe it. My sister never leaves a party early. And yet here she stood. And not even alone. Most of Ben’s closer crew were there too. But the eyes of Deluca, Griffin, Will, Poe, and Finn were directed at Ben, who unfortunately had his face right this moment between my legs.

“Rey? Are you coming out of there?” His voice is surprisingly soft.

“No, I might hide here forever. You can slide plates with food under.” My voice is the opposite of his. Roughed up and it cracks halfway through the sentence.

“Are you crying?” 

Shit, I am. Ben sounds weird though, so I pull the blanket a bit to the side to glance at him. He’s trying hard not to burst out laughing. He’s not necessarily doing a good job. I hiss at him. “That’s not funny. I can never look any of them in the eyes ever again.”

He grins. “Don’t you think you're being a tat dramatic? They are all adults. They knew it would happen.”

They knew?

I didn’t. That’s for sure. I mumble in my blanket, “Are they gone?”

“Yes, but they’re probably hanging around somewhere in the house. You could always try to make a run for the front door or maybe climb out of the window since we’re at ground-floor level.”

He’s fucking with me, but I’m seriously considering it. “If I climb out of the window, can I walk around the house just like that?”

He half-snorts half-sighs. “You’re not seriously considering that? What do you want to do after that? Just walk back to the dorms in the middle of the night?”

“Yes.”

“No.”

I glare at him. “I won’t do the walk of shame, Ben.”

“There’s no walk of shame!”

“Of course, there is.”

He crosses his arms in front of his chest. “You will not walk all alone in the middle of the night and that’s my last word.” He breathes in slowly to calm down. “Now lose the blanket for god’s sake. I’m driving you.”

“We’re not taking the front door and that’s my last word,” I retort and cross my arms before my chest after I get up too.

Ben’s mouth curves into a small grin. “Compromise. I think we’re getting better.”

He insists that he goes first. So a minute later he’s climbing out of the window, cursing to himself, “Fuck. I can’t believe you're making me do this.”

He helps me out next, wraps his arms around my waist, bicep pulling taunt while he carries me around the picky shrubs. He insists to do it, even when I tell him to put me down, claiming I would fall in my heeled boots and the thorns would scratch my skin bloody. His concern is kinda cute.

I have to remind myself that it means nothing. He gave me an earthshattering orgasm, the best I ever had, but after all, he’s still an athlete and they only have their sport on their mind. They don’t have time for relationships, and sex they get easy enough. I don’t delude myself that next Ben is going to ask for a date. And not just a let-me-make-my-assholery-up-to-you date but a real date.

Ben opens the door of an SUV for me, and I slip in. We drive mostly in silence, but it isn’t awkward for some reason. At some point, his hand comes to rest on my leg, and no one comments. It just feels natural.

“You haven’t told me what your major is yet,” he reminds me and I distantly remember he asked.

Hopefully answering is going to take my mind off things, I think before I say, “Our dad and Josh’s own a sports agency, so yeah I study sports management. How about you?”

“Had my stepdad talk me into B.A. I’m good with numbers. Math was always my thing, so it’s easy enough for me, which is a plus since I need all my time to concentrate on hockey,” he says without sounding bragging. And that even though he easily could. It’s practically common knowledge that his spot on an NHL roster is safe. So is the rest of the dream team.

He gives me a side glance. “How are you liking your courses so far?”

“They’re fine, interesting enough. My heart isn’t set on it, but I don’t detest it either. It’s just... a safe job, I guess. And I wouldn’t know what else to do anyway.”

“What about the robotics club thing? That’s a far call from sports management.”

I shrug awfully taunt. “It’s just a hobby.”

Ben looks like he can see through the lie, but he doesn’t call me out on it.

“So you’re going to work for your dad? Anyone under contract I know?” He asks, grinning at me from the side. He looks damn good in half profile.

No, that’s not it. He’s just always hot.

I remember he asked a question and say, “Mostly ECHL. The most famous one is probably John Sullivan. And Dean, of course, when he finished college. He’s going to be a superstar, undoubtedly.”

His eyes widen. “You know John Sullivan?”

I arch a brow at his enthusiasm. “Saw him a few times, that’s all. Signed something for my brother. Why, you a fan?”

“I’m from Denver, of course, I’m a fan.” Ben sounds accusing. As if being a fan of any other team would be treason. Sullivan is Colorado Avalanche's Defenseman and wicked good at blocking his opponents. He's more known for being a goon than for his skill on the ice, though.

“Oh, I didn’t know that. That you're from Denver, I mean.”

“Didn’t do your research on me?” He flashes me a grin before pulling into the parking lot right before the dorm.

“I scrolled through your Insta posts, that’s all,” I admit because there’s no point in lying. He knows I looked him up anyway, and I spent hours staring at my favorite photos of him. Right now, I chose a pic from Ben at a lake as the best one. He’s laying in an inflatable donut in this one. And I love donuts, so.

“I went through your sisters quite a lot.” He makes a face at me. “When I found out there’s two of you, I scrolled through her older posts too. Took me a while to find a pic with two of you in the same shot.”

I bit my lip. “So you pulled up my Insta page anyway, didn’t you?”

He pulls out his phone, thumbs moving over the screen, next he’s showing me one of my pics. I don’t get why at first, but then I realize he hasn’t opened my Insta. It’s saved in his screenshot folder.

I breathe out, surprised. “You saved it.”

“You’re known for taking things down. I could take that from the very few posts on there, and I thought your cat was cute,” he lies shamelessly, an amused smirk lighting up his face.

I roll my eyes but can’t help grinning. “It’s Keera’s cat, and he actually hates everyone else.”

Ben barks out a laugh, and I never heard a sound so alluring. It’s echoing through me like a shudder, and I’m reminded again of what went down only twenty minutes earlier.

“What is the saying about pets being like their owners or something,” Ben remarks, amused by the whole thing.

My gaze trails over him, slowly moving down. A bulge strains his sweats. Is it still, or is it again?

Damn, he’s huge.

I gulp and raise my head, meeting his face. “Do you, um, want to...” He cocks a brow, waiting for me to finish. “You know...”

He shakes his head. “No, I don’t. Are you asking me to your room, Rey?”

I don’t know if he’s teasing or not, but my cheeks heat either way. “You didn’t, um, you know...”

“Come?” He helps me out, pleasantly. I blush harder and his grin widens. “Why is phrasing those things so hard for you?”

I shake my head, angry with myself. “I’m not usually like this. I’m not some prude who can’t say what she wants. Who can’t even say the word sex.”

He freezes. “I didn’t say that, Rey.”

I know he only meant to tease me but that only increases my embarrassment.

I bite my lip, “But it would be true. Somehow I am with you. I guess it’s something about you, you make me all tingly and nervous, like a teenager with a crush.”

“Aw, babe, you have a crush?” He teases again, and I playfully punch his shoulder.

I brush away a strand falling onto my hot face. “Well, you already know I’m physically attracted to you.”

His head falls back against his headrest, laughing, “There’s definitely no denying that now.”

I watch his Adam's apple bounce while he laughs. There’s something so hot about that, I guess it’s the visible masculinity of it.

Biting my lip, I gather all my courage and say, “Do you, um, want me to suck you off now?”

His laughter immediately stops, all amusement fading away from his expression. His eyes start burning with heat instead, and his voice is hoarse when he asks, “Do you want to suck me off, Rey?”

I blink at the question, not expecting it. It’s the only explanation my answer is honest and less than enthusiastic. “I’d do it for you.”

His brows dart up, he senses there’s something I’m leaving out. He frowns, thinking it over.

“You don’t like it?” he guesses right.

“I, um...” I puff a strand of hair out of my red face. “Uh, I kinda not. But I don’t think it’s bad either. But you know, I’d do it for you.”

He sighs deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Why are you offering if you don’t like it?”

I bite my lip, “Because it’s only fair, you know... after you performed oral sex on me.”

Shit. Now I sound like a sixty-year-old health class teacher. My cheeks burn with heat. I guess then I just need to start carrying around a cool pack every time I see Ben.

“So you want to do it because you feel like you owe me?” His face darkens. “You don’t owe me shit, Rey. And I’m not the kind of guy that enjoys a girl doing something she doesn’t like.”

“No,” I quickly object, sounding small. “That is not how I meant it. Not at all, Ben. I—I want to give you something back.”

“Why didn’t you just offer something you want to do to me then?” He sighs, “I can’t let you do that now.”

Frustration rings in every word.

I bite down on my lip, avoiding his gaze. “You wouldn’t want me to give you a handjob, we’re not teenagers anymore.”

He lifts my chin, so our gazes lock again. “I’d take anything you’re willingly offering. And if you rather jerk me off, I’ve not minded at all. Anything you want to do to me is cool. If you want to do nothing that’s okay too. You don’t owe me,” he repeats with emphasis.

I bite my lip harder until his hand cups my cheek, and his thumb moves over the dent I’m leaving.

I wince. “But you’re turned on. It’d be a bitch move to leave it like that.”

He barks out a laugh that’s not humorous at all. “Be glad I’m not Griffin. He’d appeal to your conscience right now about how patriarchy made you believe you always need to please men.” He winks at me. “And now get out of my car, Rey.”

I stare at him, taken aback. “W—What?”

“I said—”

“I told you I want to give you something back...”

“And I told you I can’t let you now. I couldn’t be sure you only do that because you feel like you owe me. What I did to you, I did for you. And most of all because I wanted to. No expectations.”

“Ben...”

He shuts me up with a kiss. “No argument. Get out of my car.”

“You’re not upset?”

“Not at all.” He sounds sincere.

I kiss his cheek. “You’re a good guy, Ben Solo.”  

He mumbles something about Griffin being a too good influence for his liking that makes me laugh. I lean towards him, not sure if I’m going for a hug, another kiss on the cheek, or a full goodnight kiss.

I freeze. We’re not together, so no goodbye kisses. But Ben meets me halfway, and we kiss again until he groans and pulls away, “You gotta leave now. Or I might change my mind after all.”

I grin, shaking my head, knowing he wouldn’t. After I jump out of his car, Ben pulls his windows down, so I turn back around. He grins wide and even has the audacity to say, “That was fun. We should do it again sometime.”

I laugh, and he winks before I head for the dorm.

Ben waits until I’m safely inside. My chest feels strangely light knowing that.

Ben: 

When I come back to hockey house the boys wait for me, sitting on the couch with the widest shit-eating grins on their faces. I should scold them for it, they made Rey feel humiliated after all. But I can’t keep the grin off my face myself, so I shouldn’t be one to talk.

“Had a good time, Cap?” Finn asks. He and Poe give me strange proud daddy smiles while Deluca hoists Rey’s panties up with one finger and swings the tiny piece of lace around like a flag. She must’ve forgotten them on the couch in her hurry to leave.

I snatch them out of his hand and growl, “Fuck off.”

The boys laugh at the face I make. Even Griff looks smug as fuck. “Seems as if somebody got lucky tonight.”

I snort. “Not as lucky as you think, thanks to you guys rushing in and cockblocking.”

Will coughs out a laugh. “Sorry, did somebody make you eat her out right here in the living room?”

“And leave the door to the floor open,” Reus adds drily.

“Maybe go up to your room next time,” Batsy advises, which is fucking rich coming from him. Anybody living here has caught the dude fuck in any position possible all around the house.

Well, in a house full of hotblooded hockey players there is no place that hasn’t been christened by someone. Griffin even caught Reus fuck a girl doggy style over the washer one time.

“Didn’t expect you assholes back this early, that’s a first,” I retort, pissed because they’re right. I should have hurled Rey over my shoulder, carried her up the stairs, and laid her out on my bed. But I was too impatient.

“We were booted from the club. Burgdoff’s fault.”

Really? My guess would’ve been on the suspiciously quiet Finn. He shares a look with Poe. While Pruitt stares unseeing, cheeks heated, his eyes bloodshot, grinning like a maniac. Dude’s fucked up. I laugh at the frozen smile on his face. I doubt he understands what’s going on.

“So was all that waiting finally worth it?” Will asks while Deluca leans down, pretending to give Pruitt a blowjob in the background. This is something I’d never thought I see, but the dude is Italian so his attitude about what is appropriate is way off.

Batsly laughs. Their friendship is the weirdest.

Davids can’t resist jumping in on the action and starts pretending to give his cock a few pumps himself and shoots. Will, animated by their stupidity, moves his closed fist to his mouth and back and is too pretending to give a blowjob. Soon almost everyone is on the the crude sexact-miming.

There’s no way I’m telling them Rey doesn’t like to do that but was ready to do it for me. That’s none of their goddamn business. I’m also not telling them how I refused all of her offers. They would ask for my goddamn mind.

I’m not sure myself I lost it. But I just couldn’t let Rey do that. She already felt like I only got on my knees for her, so she’d suck me off later. And I need her to know that I could worship her all night and that would be all the reward I need, that she let me between her legs.

“A gentleman doesn’t gloat,” I lie.

“So gloat,” Griff laughs and adds, “Cause you’re not.”

“Since when are you against a little good-natured bragging? Come on share with your bros.” Will almost chokes from laughing at the face I make at his comment, and I can’t even take offense. I’m not practically known for being of secretive nature either.

“It’s just none of your goddam business. That’s all.”

“If you say so, Cap.” Finn’s grin widens. “But it kinda sounds as if you didn’t get much action tonight.”

“Told you guys already you were cockblocking,” I growl.

Finn holds up his hand. “Sorry, I’m shutting up.”

“I’m not.” Will wrinkles his forehead. “Why didn’t you just smash her in your car.”

Griffin comes to my defense. “Guys, come on. It’s none of our business. By the way, Rey looked really embarrassed, I can imagine the mood was gone.”

“Judging by the sounds she made, Ben could’ve easily set the mood again,” A slur comes from the side. Great, so Pruitt hasn’t been completely oblivious to what was going on.

I groan. “I didn’t want to pressure her, okay? She offered to even up, but I didn’t want her to feel like she owed me. It shouldn’t happen out of guilt. And that’s all I’m going to say to that.” I drag a hand through my hair and sigh. Then I plop down on the couch next to Poe. “Can we just watch a movie?”

Griffin, of course, doesn’t miss out on his chance to let his proud mother instincts show. “You did the right thing, Ben.”

“Thanks, mum.”

He slaps my arm. “Asshole.”

“So I imagine you got her number right after your great oral performance,” Will says and grabs the remote to put the TV on.

“Fuck,” I groan. “I forgot to get it.”

The boys burst out laughing, but Finn pets me on the back and says, “Happens to the best of us. You had other things on your mind.”

Will hems, “Do you want it?”

I scowl at him. “Of course, I want it, asshole, what do you think?”

“No need for insult,” he singsongs and holds out his phone. “Why not just take her number out of my phone then? You seem to want it quite badly.”

I stare at him. My mood isn’t particularly getting better. “Why do you have Rey’s number?”

“Cause she gave it to me after I carried her sister here.” He shrugs, then sees my face and tenses. “Jesus, chill dude. I only asked her for it, so she could call instead of running up the stairs in case of an emergency. So she doesn’t have to leave her sister alone. Girl was so gone, she could have choked on her vomit.”

“That’s non-characteristically gallant of you,” G remarks.

 Will rolls his eyes. “I can be nice, fucktards. Besides Rey’s a cool chick. At first, I only helped her because I thought she might go whining to you,” he says to me, eyes rolling. “And then you’d give me shit for leaving them stranded on the sidewalk. But then we talked a bit, and I grew fond of her.” When he sees my face sour further, he quickly adds, “Like a puppy. A cute very lost puppy. Come on, B, you know she isn’t my type. Too boney.”

“Rey isn’t boney at all,” I shoot back.

“You should know,” Batsy mumbles, but I don’t acknowledge the dig.

“She is definitely not curvy,” Will replies. “Whatever, she’s easy to talk to. Too sweet for my liking. Blushed every time your name dropped.”

I find my smile again. “She did? What’d you guys talk about me?”

“Asked if she was hot for you. She said no but meant yes.” Will grins at me. “Happy now?”

Immensely. But I’m not telling him that.

Chapter Text

Five Days. It’s five days later and the night of walking through the rain has left me with a horrible cold. Or the flu. I’m not sure, but it is bad. The last two days have been nothing short of torture. I lie in bed and can barely move. My head pounds and my throat is slimy and closed up. I haven’t eaten since yesterday because I can’t swallow more than tea.

The warm liquid helps, but it’s not a cure-all. I cried a few times because I’m out of painkillers and can’t tell Keera or Josh to bring me more since they would force me to see a doctor.

I only fall asleep when exhaustion overwhelms me.

I don’t think I was ever so happy about my tiny bathroom. I couldn’t imagine making it outside to pee every few hours. Even now I’m almost falling asleep on the toilet even though I slept for the last three hours straight. I didn’t go to any of my lectures in the last two days either, relying on my sister and Gigi for the material.

Keera knows I have a cold but not how bad it is since I lie to her about it over text. She dropped off some instant soup when I was asleep, and not wanting to wake me she didn’t see my despicable state.

My phone dings quietly, and I check it briefly before I slip back under the covers of my bed. I need more sleep.

 Rey? Are you ignoring me?

Shit. Ben texted me two days ago when the worst hit, telling me Will gave him my number. I haven’t answered because I fell asleep with the phone in my hand. When I woke up there was another text from yesterday but I felt so bad I promised myself I’d answer when moving wasn’t torture. When I did it was the next day and Ben had double-texted me, asking me if it was okay for Will to do it and that he forgot to ask me himself after he dropped me off on Saturday.

I text, I’m sick.

I'm ready to fall back asleep but Ben's reply is immediate.  

You can just tell me to fuck off.

I’m sick from walking through the rain. I’m not ignoring you! I’m sleeping!!!

What is it?

Cold.

Then I double-text, Going back to bed.

I realize I’ve forgotten to let Marissa know I wasn’t coming to the robotics club this week, but I’m too tired to text her now. I fall asleep as soon as my face hits the pillow and only wake up from my phone going off. I answer in a sleepy voice without even looking at the caller ID.

“Are you still in bed?” Keera’s voice comes from the other end of the line.

“You know I’m sick.”

Her voice gets an accusing note. “I thought it was getting better. That’s what you said yesterday.”

Shit. I forgot I lied to her because she would worry sick, and I can’t stand seeing her like this. I hem, “Um, yeah. I’m just really tired today.”

“Rey, don’t lie. You need to tell me when something’s up. Mum and Dad are at home and don’t know what’s going on, so you need to talk to me. Should we see a doctor?”

Shit, she only uses that tone when she’s truly angry. And she also sounds concerned again. I shake my head, forgetting she can’t see and only making my headache worse. “No. I’ll be fine. Just give it another few days.”

She stays quiet for a few moments, mulling it over. “Two days. If you’re not better by Friday we’re seeing a doctor.”

“Okay,” I say, exhausted and ready to go back to bed. But the truth is I already think about how I can fake a miraculous recovery.

“Okay, then go rest. And get well soon,” my sister says.

“Okay, love you.”

“Love you too, Twiny.”

We hang up and I drift off to sleep again. When it pounds on the door, I’m not sure if I’m dreaming it. The pounding gets louder and I open an eye. Not that I think about it, I’m not so sure I didn’t fall asleep again at all. My gaze goes to my radio alarm clock, but I can’t remember when I talked to my sister. I could look it up on my phone, but I’m too tired for that.

It pounds again and I remember what’s going on. Fuck. I trudge to the door, dying with every step. Of course, Keera couldn’t wait till Friday. I hate her right now, she knows I’m afraid of doctors. Maybe it isn’t even Keera. Maybe it’s Josh or Gigi, my brain concludes. And if I can still think rationally, I can’t be that sick, right?

Right?

Gigi came by every other day, too. But when I open the door it isn’t Gigi. I look into Ben’s face, which changes from... I actually can’t interpret his expression, but it morphs into definite concern. He holds up a bag of takeout. His grin completely wiped out at my sorry state. “Shit.”

My eyes widen when I realize how I must look. I’m trying to close the door again, but he’s faster, and I’m pathetically weak. He slides a foot inside and the door collides with his knee. He shoves it open easily and just comes in, face cloudy.

“You’re not slamming that door in my face again,” he says, throwing the door shut behind him. “I brought you hot and sour soup. It’s spicy, heard that’s good when you have a cold. Looking at you, I begin to think I should’ve brought antibiotics though.”

I stare at him for a few seconds, then just I slump down on my bed again, too tired to fight. “Thanks for the soup.”

“Rey?”

I raise my head. He still stands in the middle of the room. “Yeah?”

“You need to eat it,” he says calmly.

“I’m not hungry, but I appreciate the gesture. I’ll eat it later, okay? Promise, I just need to sleep for now. So if you don’t mind closing the door when you leave that’ll be—”

“When was the last time you ate?” he asks, cutting me off.

“I ate,” I lie, and he wrinkles his forehead.

“I can only guess by the way you sound how bad your throat must hurt. You haven’t eaten, but you need to,” he says and holds up the bag in my direction. “Do me the favor.”

“I’m not hungry,” I sob, tears welling up in my eyes.

Hell, why am I crying now? That’s no matter to cry about, but once it starts I can’t stop the waterfalls, and I sop uncontrollably.

He freezes. “Shit.”

I bury my face in my pillow. Crying is hurting my throat, but now that I started, I can’t stop. I shake and shiver, suddenly I’m terribly cold. I feel the mattress bend when Ben lies down beside me. He pulls me to him until our bodies align in my small bed. He lightly strokes my hair down my back in a calming motion.

Shivering I dry my cheeks with the pillowcase, gulping. “You need to leave.”

He softly turns me to him, so we’re both lying on our sides.

“No, I need to stay,” he disagrees softly and lets his hand trail down my side. His touch is gentle. Mine is inquiringly when I start to mirror his touch. He wears a muscle shirt that shows off his well-shaped arms.

“You really should go, I don’t feel good,” I admit. 

“That’s why I need to stay,” he says, meaning it. He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me against his chest.

My hand immediately flattens against his pec, then moves up his chest over his shoulder, and down his arm. I trace the hard strings of muscle showing, hand clasping over his bicep. I need to let go.

“I could call my sister, ask her to stick around,” I offer. I don’t want him to think he can’t leave me alone when I’m like this.

But he says, “I’ll stick around.”

His lips brush mine in a whisper of a kiss.

Alarmed, I try to jerk back, but he holds me to him. “Ben, I’m seriously sick, you’ll get infected!”

He shakes his head, “I’m vaccinated against the flu. Hockey player, ice, the cold, and all. Makes sense, hm?”

I shake my head and regret it instantly. I’m dizzy and too tired to fight with him. “I’m afraid I’m not good company right now.”

“That’s alright,” he assures me, tucking strands of hair behind my shoulder. “Please don’t cry again when I say this, but you need to eat. How are my chances that I get you to try?”

I laugh at his careful phrasing but then nod. I know he only wants to help me, and I should eat something.

It’s worth it for the way his face lights up. “Yeah?”

When I nod again, he practically jumps to his feet to get me the soup. He even brought a spoon, handing all of it over to me after I managed to sit up.

“I try to eat some, but don’t expect me to finish the whole bowl,” I say when he sits down next to me again.

“You take as much as you can.”

The soup is still warm through the container. I moan when the spice hits my taste buds. I should’ve eaten something sooner. After about half the bowl I feel my energy returning and sigh, almost breaking down in relief.

Ben doesn’t say anything until I finish. And yes, I finish the whole bowl. I throw away the boxes and use my bathroom. While I’m already there I wash my face, brush my hair, my teeth, and even use some mascara and lip balm.

When I come back Ben has ensconced himself on the back, lying with one arm crossed behind his head. He’s taking up all the space in my narrow bed, purposely. I cuddle up onto his side, and he wraps an arm around my hip, pulling me closer. This time he doesn’t mock me for dolling up for him.

I close my eyes and mumble against his pec, “Sorry for being so whiney.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” he says and lifts my chin to lock our gazes. “I have three sisters, remember? I know girls tend to get emotional sometimes. And you’re sick, how could I blame you for that?”

I make a face at him. “If you think that was emotional, you’re in for a big surprise. My mood swings are legendary. My brother used to call my sister and me satan’s spawns. He said he was double punished with having two of us.”

Ben grins. “I bet a pubescent K was a real delight.”

“Dean was a real pain in the ass himself. Always sneaking out with dad’s car he basically stole because he wasn’t allowed to drive.”

Ben laughs. “Jesus, that’s gold right here. I need to write it right down, so I can tease him before the next game.”

I shake my head at him for being an idiot, then I close my eyes again. Biting my lip, I admit, “I actually wanted to make up last time to you the next time I see you, and now I can’t.”

He sighs, “You don’t have to make up for anything.”

“But I want to.”

“Then we’ll come to that when you’re well again.” He kisses my brow. “Now sleep.”

I’m already drifting off, mumbling without being sure he can understand me. “Will you be here when I wake up?”

“If you want me to stay overnight I will. If not that’s fine. Just tell me if I should wake you up before I go or let you rest.”

“Want... you... to... stay.”

His lips touch my auricle, “Then I’ll be here.”

Chapter Text

Finally, Rey opens up her eyes again. It’s half past six, so usually, I wouldn’t worry about her not being up yet, but Rey wasn’t well all night. Her temperature spiked, and all I could do to keep it down was wetting a towel with cool water and swapping it every ten minutes. I tried to wake her up, but she just wouldn’t.

I thought about calling an ambulance, but I’m not sure it’s warranted. My worry is making me crazy, and I don’t want Rey to think I’m a lunatic for sending her to the hospital when she could’ve just gone to the doctor in the morning.

I tuck the hair out of her face. “Rey.”

She doesn’t react.

I breathe deeply, rubbing a hand over my tired face. I haven’t slept for more than the seconds I momentarily nodded off. The last time was while I was cooling the towel under the sink, and I didn’t realize microsleep was hitting me until the icy water nearly froze my fingers off.

“Rey,” I try again, my voice a cracky mess.

She grimaces, her nose scrunching up before she opens her eyes and meets my concerned gaze. “What’s wrong?”

Her voice sounds strangled and rough at once. As if she’s been screaming all night long. I choke down the knot in my throat and force myself to speak. “You’ve been feverish and delirious all night. Do you usually talk in your sleep?”

“I did it before when I was sick, don’t worry. What did I say?” She’s still half asleep. She must be or else she surely would understand the seriousness of the situation.

“I didn’t understand most of it... sometimes you were saying my name, though.” I gulp, remembering it clearly. I was shit-scared. It sounded like she was calling for me, and I couldn’t even assure her I was right there with her. “You were getting more upset from time to time, so I tried to wake you up, but you wouldn’t.”

I stayed awake after that, weighing my possibilities on what to do with her the whole night. I wanted to haul her over my shoulder and drive to the hospital but then decided against it because it seemed too drastic.

Rey rubs the grit out of her eyes, glancing up at the radio clock. She croaks out, “Oh Ben, you’re late for practice. You need to go.”

I’m completely startled. I’m sure she hears the disbelief in my tone when I say, “I’m not leaving now. Are you out of your mind? Haven’t you heard what I just told you?” 

She blinks at me as if she doesn’t understand where my sudden outburst comes from. “Ben, you need to-”

“Drive you to the doctor,” I finish, not allowing the argument to even start. “That is all I need to do. Can you stand up now or do you need help? Let’s get you in some sweats at least, you need pants. Can you walk or should I carry you?”

Her expression loses all sleepiness. Suddenly she’s sitting in bed, side-slipping out of my reach. I sigh, grab her by the arms, and pull her up. She stumbles as soon as I put her on her feet and sags against me. I hold her up with my left hand, grabbing her worn sweats from the chair they’re crumpled over with my right.

“I’ll carry you,” I decide, moving to pick her up, but the expression on her face makes me halt. She’s panicking, fighting me with powerless fists. “What’s going on?”

“I can’t go to the doctor,” she says, voice breaking. And then the weirdest thing happens. She just starts to cry. Out of nowhere tears are streaming down her face as though she just got the news of the demise of a loved one. It’s way worse than yesterday.

Fuck. She’s crying again, and I can’t have that. She’s afraid and I have no idea what to do, so I just take her in my arms, holding her tight against me, slightly rocking us. “Please don’t cry.”

“Let me go!” she cries. “You can’t make me go.”

She’s wrong about that, but I’m not voicing it. I need to calm her, not panic her more. “What’s going on, Rey? Talk to me please.”

I manage to keep my voice from sounding impatient, but I’ve waiting all night so I could take her to the doctor first thing in the morning, and now I’m slowly losing it because she’s fighting me. I didn’t expect her not wanting to go, I would’ve thought she would understand the seriousness of the situation.

She takes a few shaking breaths, trying hard to calm herself down enough so she can give me an answer. “I don’t need a doctor. I just need sleep. Some rest. I’m so exhausted. I need to sleep. I really need to. You have to let me sleep.”

“Rey...” I start, but she cuts me off.

“I’ll sleep it off, you’ll see. You let me go to bed and everything will be well in the morning.”

“It. Is. Morning.”

She just shakes her head harder, making herself dizzy enough her hand shoots out to steady herself against her dresser.

“Sleep,” she says, sinking back down on her bed.

She’s not making any sense. She’s obviously not realizing that anymore, but I can’t kidnap a crying and screaming girl out of her room. Somebody will call the police on me.

I have to talk her into it. “You need a doctor, Rey. You’re sick and not getting better. Why don’t you explain to me why you don’t want to go,” I say and casually lay my hand over her brow. Shit, she’s still burning. The fever went down during the night through my frequent attention, but it’s worse now.

“Ben... I just can’t.” She shakes her head savagely.

“Are you afraid of needles?” I take a wild guess.

She nods, eyes half closing. “Not just needles. All of that hospital and doctor stuff. I know it isn’t rational. But I can’t go.”

Okay, she sounds saner. I just need to sway her because if I pressure her, she’s never going to forgive me. Not if she truly has an irrationally strong fear of doctors which I begin to see she has. “You won’t need stitches, sweetheart. I promise.”

“They’ll take a blood sample from me and that’s even worse.” She shakes her head dramatically, sobbing, “I can’t, Ben. Please go to practice already, you’re getting into trouble because of me.”

I so do not care about that right now, but I can’t show her how much she worries me or I risk upsetting her more. So I lie desperately, “They won’t. I won’t let them, I promise you, sweetheart.”

She doesn’t believe me. Maybe she knows me too well by now. Because there’s no way in hell I’m refusing a hemogram if they have to have it to figure out what she needs.

Rey keeps shaking her head. She’s so stubborn. She slips out of my grip, sliding back on the bed, eyes shutting. I go to my knees in front of her, shaking her slowly, so she doesn’t fall into another coma. She half opens her eyes, mumbling, “Leave, Ben, leave. I promise I’ll be better when you get back. If I’m not I let you bring me to a doctor.”

I sigh. I can’t make her, not if I want to not get arrested, which would seriously stand in the way of my career if it’d happened. “Okay, sleep for a bit. I’ll stay.”

“No,” she screeches, suddenly awake again. “That offer only stands if you go to practice.”

“Don’t worry about that. I texted Griffin and he and Will will cover for me.”

“No! Compromise, remember?”

Damn. She’s so stubborn today. I sigh and consider it. Practice isn’t long, I already missed some of it. I could finish it up with the team and come back and drag her ass to a doctor. I’d skip classes for it, but I decided to do that anyway. I don’t want to leave her alone.

“Okay,” I sigh defeated. “When I come back and you aren’t any better, you let me bring you to a doctor without throwing a tantrum. Do we have a deal?”

She nods, half asleep again, a smile spreading on her face again. Maybe I am lucky and when I come back, she will be just fine.

I reach her dorm not even two hours later. I’m out of breath because I hurried. I’d be here sooner, but Coach cited me in his office after letting me skate suicides as punishment for another fifteen minutes after practices officially ended. He made Burgdoff too, even though he didn’t even do anything. This time.

And then Coach summoned me to his office because he felt like screaming at me some more for missing out on the first hour.

Griff told him I was terribly sick, so when I showed up that lie blew in our faces. I managed to persuade him by telling him Griff misunderstood and it’s my girl who’s terribly sick. Unfortunately, he was totally unsympathetic to me.

When I approach Rey’s floor, I stop mid-step, then I run to where Gigi and Lore are pounding against Rey’s dorm room. Lore sees me and cries out, “K asked me to check on her, but she isn’t opening up. At first, I thought she was just still asleep, but I’ve tried every half hour, and she’s still not answering the door. I’m afraid she passed out.”

Shit. I knew this was going to happen. I shouldn’t have left. I shouldn’t have thought about my career when I feared being arrested for kidnapping her. I should’ve just made her go to the doctor. I should’ve asked Gigi for K’s number and coaxed her into helping me. She may be a bitch but she loves her sister. If I’d told her about Rey’s fever, she’s made her go.

I’m such a stupid bastard.

And I don’t even have a way of getting to her now. I don’t care how much trouble I’m getting into, I’m shoving the girls to the side, and kick the door in.

Gigi gapes open-mouthed.

Lore screams in shock.

“Rey, oh God,” Gigi cries out. Somehow she managed to slide in before me. “BEN!”

I’m at her side in a second. Rey isn’t passed out on her bed how I expected to find her. She must’ve lost consciousness when she tried to stand up. She’s sprawled on the floor right behind it. Luckily, she doesn’t seem to have hit her head too hard. At least she’s not bleeding. Lore still cries manically as if we just found Rey’s dead body.

Fuck. I can’t think if she keeps up the screeching cries.

“Call the ambulance, what are you waiting for, Gigi?” I scream at her, trying to drown out Lore while I turn Rey cautiously around, one hand on her neck to brace her spine.

“We’re much faster if we drive. You need to carry her,” Gigi advises.

She’s right. The ambulance needs at least ten minutes to get here and three minutes back. I can be there in five. I don’t overthink it. I pick up Rey and start running, Gigi and Lore right on my heel. The latter still crying uncontrollably.

People turn to us, openly staring, some who were filming the kicked-in-door hold the camera right at us, and one even has the audacity to lift a phone and snap a pic. I never in my life wanted to beat up a girl, but now I want to smash their phones in their stupid faces. They’re lucky I don’t have time for that.

We reach the car and Gigi snatches the key out of my pants pocket, unlocks, and opens the backseat where I climb in with Rey, pulling her on my lap.

Gigi rushes for the driver’s seat while Lore takes the passenger seat, she’s manically texting a message, probably to Keera. Gigi pulls out of the parking lot like it’s her life she’s fighting for and drives like hell. My face smashes against the window to my left since I have no way to buckle both of us in while bracing her body the best way I can. I barely feel the pain. And I don’t care as long as it doesn’t knock me out.

Chapter Text

My eyelids feel swollen and sticky and opening them feels like ripping open fresh stitches. At first, I think I can’t see anything, but then my eyes adjust to the light, and I blink rapidly until everything shifts into focus.

The first thing I see is the intravenous line inserted in the vein in my arm. My heart beats so fast at the sight that I know I must remove it before the panic sets in.

I instantly reach for it to pull it out, but a small hand lies on top of mine to stop me. When I look up I see my twin sister giving me a concerned gaze.

“Get it out,” I croak, my voice breaking twice within the short sentence. But it doesn’t hurt, it feels as if someone numbed my whole throat. When Keera doesn’t immediately move I panic. “Get it out. Get it out.”

“Psst. He’s sleeping. You don’t want to wake him up, do you? I’m not sure he slept at all in the last two days. He stayed up, always guarding you like a watchdog.” Her mouth twitches. “It was actually kinda cute. But I guess even an almighty hockey stud gives in to exhaustion eventually.” She points to my left side, and I follow with my eyes.

Ben sleeps deeply on a chair beside my bed, his head resting on his crossed arms on the blanket at my legs. The pouches under his eyes are huge and even a little bit lilac.

I can’t believe I’m the reason for it. I feel bad for being the cause of all these worries. Because the truth is Keera doesn’t look much better. She can joke about Ben all she wants but I can tell she didn’t sleep well either.

“Do you remember what happened?” Keera asks, concerned eyes directed at me.

I swallow. “I remember that Ben came by to bring me soup.”

“That was Wednesday. Today is Saturday.”

“What?”

“Rey, you were very sick.” Her voice breaks. She bites her lip to swallow the sound before she continues, “You had tonsillitis. Because you didn’t see a doctor your tonsils kept swelling. The night Ben stayed over you became feverish and delirious. He wanted to bring you to a doctor, but you refused.”

“I distantly remember fighting him about that,” I croak with a half-smile, but Keera doesn’t seem to find it funny at all.

“He let you persuade him into going to practice because you said you would go to the doctor when he came back and you weren’t better, but when he came back you had already lost conscience...” She breathes out harshly. “Do you have any idea how much he blamed himself?”

I gulp. “I——I didn’t mean to cause any pain.”

Keera’s gaze turns watery, but she doesn’t take it from me. “You’re so stupid, Rey!”

“I know.” I swallow again, hard. “I’m sorry.”

She takes a deep breath to calm herself like she’s trying not to start again, but she can’t restrain herself from adding, “If he didn’t find you when he did your throat could have swollen shut, and then you wouldn’t have been able to breathe anymore. You could’ve died.”

I bite my lip. I had no idea how serious my sickness was. I thought in the worst case I had the flu. I did not expect this...

“I’m sorry I worried you all,” I choke out.

She sighs, “Tell that Mum and Dad. Mum couldn’t stop crying, you know her. And Dad was at the doctor’s throat because they sedated you too heavily. You woke up shortly after the emergency surgery, they had to remove your tonsils, but you were so panicky that they had to sedate you again.” She grins a little bit. “All these medications at once must’ve been too much for you because you pretty much slept through Friday.”

I can only imagine how embarrassing I must have been behaving. I hope Ben didn’t see it.

I glance at the clock. The hand points to half-past nine. “Is it Saturday morning or evening?”

“Morning. Mum, Dad, and Dean should be here any moment.”

My hand spins back to Ben, and Keera reads my mind and answers my unspoken question, “Dean has been behaving. He doesn’t have a choice, I mean, Mum and Dad love Ben. Obviously, because he saved their precious daughter’s life.” She winks, but then she remembers something, and her lips flatten. “Just don’t let any of them know about the CollegeDiaries post.”

I groan, “Again?”

She holds up her phone, and I can glance at the picture. There is a slideshow. A. Slideshow. The first shows Ben kicking in my door. In the second Ben carries me like a broken doll in his arms, a haunted look on his face. The third shows Gigi running next to him, and Lore crying heavily.

God. I need to apologize to them too.

Keera shrugs and says, “If anything good came out of it, it’s that we aren’t the most hated persons on campus anymore for brain fucking their hockey MVP. Actually, I think you and Ben are being quite shipped.”

“Shipped? Like a TV couple?” I ask confused.

“Yup. If we were still in high school, you’d probably be voted best couple or something,” she teases.

“Ah. Fuck. We aren’t a couple.”

She arches a brow. “Are you sure about that? Not only did he never leave your hospital bed, he also stayed over when you were sick, and I don’t imagine any kinky things were going on.”

“Of course not, I was fucking exhausted,” I moan, blushing.

“See? He likes you.”

I groan and rub my temples. I can’t believe I feel better now than I did over the week, but I do. I point to the intravenous line. “Why does that have to stay, though?”

“You were still getting antibiotics, but I’ll go ask a doctor about it if you promise not to touch it while I’m gone.” She eyes me suspiciously.

“Promise!”

“Good. I’ll also see to your breakfast, I heard you get ice cream after a tonsillectomy.”

I laugh at that, but it sounds like a cough. Even if I don’t feel it through the painkillers, my throat is still sore.

It doesn’t take long for a nurse to check up on me. She takes out the intravenous line and gives me pills instead, telling me that I have to take them until the end of next week. I ask her when I’m allowed to leave, and she tells me that I probably can today, but that the doctor has to clear me before I’m discharged. Then she asks me if I have more questions and only leaves after I tell her no.

Keera left a big bag here, and I realized that she brought me a change of clothes. I carefully stand up, testing the strength of my legs before I put my full weight on them. But I manage, so I take Keera’s bag and head for the bathroom. When I look into the bathroom, I’m glad that I have a single room and don’t have to share it. It’s clean in a disinfectant spray on every surface way.

I’m not sure all of this is included in my parent’s insurance.

I shower and dress before I lie back down in my bed. The few movements have already exhausted me. It’s not surprising considering the soup Ben brought me was the last thing I ate.

I eye him sleeping peacefully. He looks so cute, I can’t stop myself from raking a hand gently through his ruffled hair, stroking strands out of his face. He makes a gruff sound and slowly lifts his face out of his crossed arms. He blinks at me, then rubs the grit out of his eyes.

“Sorry,” I whisper, so he doesn’t hear the crack in my voice. My throat is still sore. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

He jerks when he fully wakes and stares at me as if he can’t believe I woke up before him. “How do you feel?”

“I’m fine.” I bite my lip. “Sorry for scaring you.”

He grunts. “It won’t happen again.”

My stomach plummets.

Oh god. I fucked up.

“Oh.” I fight the stupid tears. After he stayed with me the whole time, I didn’t think that this would be it, but I guess I can’t blame him for everything I put him through. Keera said he blamed himself, and I can imagine how guilty he would have felt if he had come too late. I can’t blame him for not wanting to put himself in that situation again.

He eyes me, eyebrows darting together. “You do know what I mean with that, don’t you? Next time I’m dragging your ass to the doctor right away, even if I have to fight you every step.”

I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding. “Of course,” I lie, feeling stupid.

A smirk spreads on his face, and he stands up, “Move over!”

“What? No,” I call out when I realize his intention, trying to push him off me while he climbs into the tiny hospital bed with me. “No, Ben, the bed is way too small.”

“It’s fine, we can cuddle,” he says and does cuddle into my side, resting his head on my shoulder. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer to him. “This feels good.”

“It does,” I agree, pressing my face to the top of his head.

He kisses my neck, shivering. “I was so afraid I’d lose you.”

My throat closes up. I don’t know what to say to that. Keera said that she thinks Ben likes me, but I’m not so sure about that. At least not that he likes me the way I want him too. He’s attracted to me, but would that fade after he had me? Would we fizzle out? I can’t open up and risk I’d get hurt again on the mere odds of maybe. So I tease, “Scared I bite the dust before I can even up with you?”

His lips trace up my neck until we’re flush with each other and when our eyes meet, he growls, “You really need to let that go.”

Does he know he sounds sexy when his voice is this rough? I bite my lip. “I can’t.” 

He closes in, and his lips brush mine. It’s only a whisper of a kiss. I lean into him to get more, and he gives it to me. But the kisses stay soft, or tongues don’t mingle, they only graze, barely touching. Instead, his tongue follows the shape of my lips before his lips press anew against mine again.

My fingers interlace with the strands of his hair, pulling him closer. We’re both breathing hard in between kisses.

“Oh. Should we come back later?” my mother giggles.

I wrench our mouths apart, blushing hard. “MUM!”

“Sorry Hazelnut, but we can come back later...” she offers, but Dean’s grim face speaks of defiance.

“No, just knock next time,” I quickly say because Ben looks ready to take her up on that offer. He still hasn’t moved out of my bed, and his arms are still wrapped around my waist, pulling me to his chest.

I try to indicate him with pleading looks to leave my bed and rescue us from this uncomfortable situation, but he isn’t having that. His grin only widens, and I have a bad feeling he enjoys putting me on the spot like that.

“Okay Hazelnut, we brought you your favorite ice cream.” Mum fiddles around in her bag and then holds up the box of caramel chocolate chips like a prize. She brings it to me while Dad hands me a spoon.

I take both and start diving in. “Keera just went to get ice cream.”

Speaking of the devil, she appears at the door, answering, “Keera tried, but the mean nurses said they have regular eating times and wouldn’t hand over anything.” Her sigh turns into a grin. “Met a cute boy, though. He’s an assistant doctor, fancy huh?”

“Yeah, fancy,” Dad repeats, eyes narrowing at her.

While I could never talk openly about those things with my parents, my sister had no problem with that at all. I bet they wish she’d keep a few more things private though.

“Don’t start barking at our daughters’ admirers again,” Mum laughs, petting Dad’s back. “A doctor in the family would be lovely.”

“Wasn’t talking relationships.”

Mum’s face falls. “Just once I wish you did.” Then she points to me and Ben, and I almost die when she says, “Don’t you want what they have?”

Keera and Dean both burst out in laughter. Keera winks at me before throwing me under the bus, “I don’t know, Mum, what do they have?”

Mum throws her hands in the air, answering in an accusing tone that doesn’t fit what she’s saying, “Love.”

Dean snots, “Sorry, we must have missed that.”

Ben glares at Dean, and Dean glares right back. That doesn’t escape my dad’s notice, and he crosses his big arms in front of his chest. He’s working out a lot to stay in shape and can still look quite imitating. He narrows his eyes at the boys, “What’s going on here?”

I have no clue what to say to that, I can’t possibly explain the messed up situation I got Keera, Ben, and myself in. But before I have to, Keera jumps in, pointing at Ben. “Mum, Dad, meet the captain of Arcryn’s hockey team.”

I expected a lot, but not my dad breaking out in full-on laughter. He looks at Dean’s angry face, then at Ben’s. His gaze lingers on him. “I can imagine that causes tensions.” Then he turns to Ben and tells him. “I played hockey myself.”

Ben stops the intense glare he saved for my brother and turns to my dad with a smile, “So I’ve heard.”

“Are you any good, son?” My father asks and receives an open-mouthed gape from the rest of us. Oh my God, Dad likes Ben. He’d never called anyone besides Josh that. The shared passion for hockey must’ve gotten him a foot in the door. That and that he saved my life.

Ben’s smirk widens. “I don’t know, ask your son, we creamed his team last game.”

“Only because I was penalized,” Dean calls out.

Dad looks like something dawns on him. “Wait? That’s the game? And I imagine the guy you beat up is your sister’s new boyfriend.” He points at Ben, who doesn’t even stop grinning now, giving my mother a little wink, who blushes.

The guy is unbelievable.

“We aren’t together,” I croak out because I can’t take this any longer.

Dean’s eyes almost fall out, then his face turns red with anger. “Then why the fuck was he staying overnight at your dorm room?”

“Calm down, Dean. She was sick and he brought her soup, it’s not like they could’ve done anything in her constitution.”

“Wait, you’re not together?” Mum asks disappointed.

Seeing her face stirs the guilt in me. After everything I put them through, I should’ve just let her think that I’m happily taken.

“Your daughter is stubborn, but I’m confident enough in my charm to say I’ll win her over,” he winks at Mum and then turns to my Dad in a graver tone, “But we aren’t quite there yet.”

I wince in humiliation at that little bit of information he just let slip through. He basically told my dad that he didn’t fuck me yet. He also made it sound as if he intended something serious. I’m sure my parents don’t delude themselves that he’ll wait for the relationship to be official with the sex, but that he holds it out is enough for them. So they think he cares a lot more about me than he does.

“Yeah, both of my daughters tend to be stubborn. They got that from me.” My father shrugs and winks at him. “Just buy her treats, their enormous sweet tooth they got from their mother. Works every time.”

“John,” Mom scolds him playfully but then cuddles in his side when he puts his arm around her.

“Ah, already happened. I mandated it, but you’ll have to wait for Griffin to get here. He was driving Gigi over anyway,” he says to me.

My eyes widen. “Griffin’s coming here? And you made him bring me treats?”

“Not just any treats. Your favorites. Reese’s peanut butter cups. I was very specific.” He kisses my nose.

“You remember that?” I say, stunned.

“Of course.”

“Somebody’s making an effort,” Mum sighs, happy again while Dad nods pleased. But Dean and Keera moan in disgust.

Ben grins at Dean. “Yeah, I heard of your aversion. If we bud heads at the frozen four, I’ll make sure the whole rink reeks of peanut butter.”

“If you want me to vomit you in the face,” Dean retorts.

“If that means I’m winning.”

“Since you lost the last two years, I imagine you want the win quite bad.”

“We all want the win.”

“Boy, boys, boys,” my father cuts in, laughing. Then he turns to my mother, sighing, “That reminds me of my college time. Has it really been that long?”

“We’re old,” Mum says grinning and kisses him.

“Oh, eww,” everyone except Ben’s moans. He looks at my parents with an envy that reminds me that his parents are divorced.

I take his hand in mine and squeeze. “Do me a favor?”

“Anything.”

“The nurse said that I can only be discharged after a doctor clears me, but so far nobody showed up.”

“Medical round is in the morning,” Dad says, and I sigh.

“I’ll call Will and see what he can do. After all, he got you this room.”

I blink. I knew that the room probably wouldn’t have been in my parent’s insurance, but I didn’t expect Ben to rope Will into getting my extra stuff.

“Thank him for that from me,” is all I can remember to say.

Chapter Text

After Will got a doctor to show up within the span of three minutes with one simple phone call, her family brought her to the hotel room they checked in. I left them for themselves since I figured that’d be only polite.

All I wanted was to see Rey anyway. After I knew she was better I was reassured enough I could head home to finally gain some very needed rest.

Rey spent the rest of the weekend with her family, but they invited me to dinner on Sunday evening. I kinda expected it after I hinted that Rey and I are more serious than we are. The good thing is since college just started her family has no other option than to think we’re at the beginning stage of our nonexistent relationship and only casually dating. So when they never see me again, it won’t be too much of a shock.

And I have decided to not let that thing between Rey and me go on for too long. It’s a decision I made based solely on the fact that I can’t allow myself to fall in love right now. At this point in college hockey, any form of distraction is possibly a career killer. So I can’t allow my feelings to deepen. Hell, I’m probably already in too deep. And if Rey’s sickness has opened my eyes to anything, it’s that. I can’t let my feelings grow any deeper than they already are.

Dean, I’ll certainly not miss. Asshole. He doesn’t miss out on a chance to shit-talk me. At least he didn’t mention the real reason why he beat me up in the rink. I’ll have to grant him that.

Josh was at dinner as well, and he couldn’t stop gaping at Rey and me as if he missed out on some crucial piece of information, but my scowls let him know not to say whatever it was he was thinking.

Right now, he sits a few seats in front of me on the bus. We lost this game and everybody is sulking. It’s definitely not the time to inquisition me about Rey, and he’s well aware of that too. I know that he wanted to since Sunday. Today’s Friday, so dude must’ve decided it’s none of his business, which it isn’t. But the fact he figured that one out by himself has increased the respect I feel for him exponentially.

Will follows my gaze and snorts, “Rookie could’ve really told you that Dean is Rey’s brother. I assume the little family get-together was super awkward.”

“He didn’t think it mattered,” I defend him because that is his one action I do understand. “It would’ve only caused more drama, and Rey and I seemed done anyway.”

“How is she?”

“She seems well enough. I haven’t seen her since Sunday.”

“Yeah, thanks for not letting me know, by the way.” Griff cuts him. “Gigi was disappointed to find out Rey had already been discharged when we finally made it to the hospital.”

I groan, “Sorry, I totally forgot dude.”

My phone dings in my gym bag and I reach for it. I check the message. It’s from Rey and says, Sorry about your defeat. Can’t imagine you’re in the mood to drink. Wanna hang? 

Comfort drinking, can’t skip out on the boys, I text back.

Rey: NP, another time.

Then she double-texts.

Rey: If you want.

I smirk at the message. As if I wouldn’t want to. I’ve been dying to see her again. Even if we can’t have sex since she’s still recovering, we can still make out a little. It’s like we’re teenagers again. I don’t know why I like it so much. Maybe it’s the anticipation. Knowing at the end of that very long road I’m going to be a very lucky man.

I text back, I want to. What are your plans for tomorrow?

Rey: On Halloween? My sis is gonna drag me to some party.

Me: Hockey house throws a Halloween party every year. You comin?

Rey: Okay, I’ll persuade Keera.

Me: See u then.

“Dude, you’re smiling at your phone,” Will points out teasingly. “Gagged much?”

“Shut the fuck up.” But I’m still grinning when I shove my phone in my pocket. Only then do I realize that Griffin and Deluca are staring at me as well. I grimace, “What?”

“Dude, she has you by the balls,” Deluca snickers.

Great. And now we have an audience. Deluca has the very annoying ability to draw an audience simply by slightly pitching his voice in a certain tone. Everybody knows they’re going to be entertained.

Batsy is already slid back into his seat next to Deluca’s, clear-eyed, and ear-perked.

I roll my eyes. “Fuck off. I don’t need you guys telling me anything about my feelings you know shit about. I like Rey. Do I enjoy hanging out with her? Yes. Do I wanna do or be some cliché couple thingy? No! I don’t even want us to be that.”

“So you don’t wanna be with her?” G asks.

“I want to be with her without that whole complicated stuff. You know that always comes with relationships, and I don’t have time for it. For now, we’re just fooling around, it’ll fizzle out sooner or later.”

“If you had the time would you, tho?” Pruitt asks. I get it since he’s the only one on the team who actually manages to successfully juggle a relationship for more than two months. He and his girl have been going steady for more than a year now. But he’s a unicorn, everyone else fails. And not to be an ass, but it’s not like Pruitt will be going Pro.

“What kind of question is that? I don’t have the time, so why talk about it,” I sigh.

“A few months, is that where you draw the line?” Batsy laughs.

“I don’t know, why?”

“Because he wants to remind you then,” Reus points out sharply.

“You’re insufferable.”

“What? We wanna gloat when we’re right about you not holding yourself to your deadline, you know, the one you set yourself without anyone forcing you to,” Batsy says.

“And you haven’t answered Pruitt’s question, and we both know why.” Will looks way too self-satisfied with himself.

“If I had the time, I wouldn’t play hockey,” I gather, “I’d be in a completely different state of mind.”

“So yeah, you’re practically saying then you’d be with her,” is what Griffin’s getting from it just as Will laughs and says, “So that’s a yes.”

I groan, “I don’t know, okay? Maye! But what does it matter, it isn’t like I’d ever give up hockey. I wouldn’t do that for any girl, not even the love of my life. Hockey is the love of my life.”

“Preach, Captain,” Finn’s voice comes from the seats a row in front of ours. “You should use that in your next speech.”

“Very motivational,” Poe agrees.

I grit my teeth while Will and G laugh at me.

“If I can give you advice, Cap,” Deluca starts.

“Please don’t,” Poe moans, turning around in his seat to look at me. “Don’t ever take his advice. Bad things happen if you do.” 

“Tap that and leave that,” Deluca continues.

Will laughs so hard he begins to choke, and Griff has to pat his back until he can breathe again. G wrinkles his forehead, looking mildly concerned. “That’s your valuable piece of advice?”

“What? It isn’t like Cap has thought of it before,” he defends himself. Deluca arches a dark brow. “You intend to keep tapping that, even though you know it’s a mistake, don’t you?”

“Not if it’s bad.” I try to laugh it off. But the truth is he’s right. I never intended to hit and run. Not with Rey. I’m not proud I have done so before, and it isn’t my usual style, but with Rey, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. If I intended a quick hookup or a one-night stand, I wouldn’t have chosen her. I don’t want to hurt her.

“It won’t be bad,” Griff says, shaking his head. “You waited too long for this, it can’t be. Anticipation kills, but it’s also fucking hot.”

So I’m not the only one who thinks that. But I’m not answering because I don’t want to admit he’s right.

“Also you haven’t had anybody since you met Rey.”

Heads spin around, staring at me in surprise and shock. I roll my eyes. “Jesus, you guys are acting like I haven’t hit it in a year, not a month.”

“You’re a hotblooded hockey player, so same thing.” I’m surprised this is coming from Finn, who nobody ever sees hookup, but then again everybody knows about the unmentionables of his relationship with Poe.

I roll my eyes. I’m known for always being with someone in a non-exclusive fuckbuddy thing. Most of us are, except for Will. I have known him since he became sexually active and except for maybe the first few, he never stays with a girl for more than a night, only God knows why. He’d never elucidated it, even when Griffin asked. Probably some trust issues that Gemma chick fortified. But that’s exactly why I’m not keen on taking his advice on my relationships anytime soon. Or Deluca’s for fuck’s sake.

I inwardly shudder at the thought.

“Why?” Will wants to know.

“I don’t know. I was kinda occupied with finding out who she was, then why she was behaving so differently every time I met her to the point it was fucking with my mind. Didn’t have the time to think of anything else.” I shrug.

“You were kinda obsessed with her,” Will laughs.

“Am not,” I growl.

“Still are.”

Halloween is always crazy. Everyone is shitfaced and the girls wear practically nothing, which everyone loves and appreciates.

“More power to feminism and women’s choices,” Deluca howls when twins in sexy, next-to-nothing nun costumes walk by.

Since the theme of the party is Gods and Monsters: Kingdoms of Heaven and Hell the rookies had to festoon the whole hockey house. Over the front door, the words seven’s gate shine in fake blood and inside it does look like Satan’s personal chill lounge.

Everything’s covered in thick red layers. All flowing alcohol is tinted red, even the beer. Additionally, the punch got eatable eyeballs swimming inside.

A girl with a short Greek toga approaches me, but I ignore her just like her priestess-costumed friend. I let my gaze roam over the crowd. It seems as if the majority of girls go as Aphrodite this year. I think the information that the hockey team goes as Greek gods and heroes got leaked. I’m Zeus, wearing only white linen pants and blue lightning bolts drawn over my chest. Griffin’s Poseidon and Will is Hades.

Finn and Poe are Achilles and Patroclus, and if you don’t think that’s on the nose, I don’t know what to tell you.

“Hey,” Deluca approaches me. “Seems like your girl wants to make it hard for you tonight.”

The wine bottle that belongs to his costume rattles when it meets the table. He, of course, is Dionysius, the God of wine. It is ridiculously fitting. As is John Reus as Ares, God of War. Or Batsy as Hermes, dude is swift on and off the ice, so the winged sandals he chooses to wear are an insider joke we all get.

“What do you mean?” I ask him.

“Your girl and her sister are going as angels. One from heaven and one from hell. One red and one white,” Deluca informs me.

That doesn’t concern me at all, I take a sip of my beer, “Ah, Rey’s the white one.”

“How would you know that?”

“She’s the sweetheart. K’s the bad girl. Easy as that.”

I’m overly satisfied with my fitting analysis of the twin’s personalities until Deluca says, “Yeah, just that she knows you think that. She could want you to believe that too. Maybe they wanna fuck with you again for good ole’ times sake.”

“Nah, Rey isn’t like that,” I defend her.

Finn shrugs, “If you say so.” Then he tiptoes to the dance floor that is our living room, hips shaking. He isn’t even half gone when he pulls a girl into his ridiculous dance move, who giggles and goes along.

“I do say that,” I call after him, but when I strike out to look for Rey I’m not so sure about that. What if she plays tricks on me? I told her I could tell them apart, so maybe she just snapped at the chance to test me.

I pass laughing people in the kitchen and walk on the rookie floor. I see a short skirt disappear into the rookie’s bathroom and hurry after her. Rey. I slip inside with her and close the door behind me.

So Deluca was right, she did choose the red outfit to confuse me. Because K wouldn’t be smiling at me. Not like she is right now, hazy drunk with desire. A red leathery mask covers most of her face, but her eyes I can see. And her mouth.

I lean down and kiss her. The moment I do I realize my mistake. I mean K is a great kisser, but she isn’t Rey. I feel the difference instantly because I feel nothing at the contact of our lips. I jump back, and now we’re both staring at each other in shock.

Her gaze is faded. Fuck. She didn’t realize who I was at first either. She’s completely wasted. She isn’t drunk with desire, she is just drunk. FUCK. The second I let go of her, she almost tumbles over. I grab her, pulling her back against me before she falls.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Can’t you tell us apart, you absolute hockey douche?” she snaps, the words only partly slurring together.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry. Usually, I can, I swear. But you were smiling at me, and you don’t usually do that either,” I defend myself.

She coughs out a laugh. “I’m high, fucktard, that’s why.”

I draw my brows together. “What? Who gave you drugs?”

“Chill, it was just a joint, and Josh and I have done that since we were in high school.” Then she points insistently at her dress. “But I didn’t know hockey players were also blind. I am the hell angel,” she emphasizes. “I mean, don’t you know Rey at all? She’d definitely not fall out of heaven. She never even got kicked out anywhere.”

I can imagine. I rub my hands over my face. “Fuck. I’m sorry, K.”

She flips her hair behind her shoulder, “It’s not your fault, you couldn’t even see my face. And we’re identical twins after all. And now I need to piss, and I’m not going to do that in front of you. We’re not there yet, so you need to leave.”

I laugh, “I hope we’ll never be there.”

When I emerge on the floor again it isn’t empty anymore. Near the entrance to the kitchen, Will and Griffin stand and talk to a certain white angel. Rey looks up and smiles broadly at me. I grimace.

When I catch up to her, I immediately start, “I just had the weirdest encounter.”

Before I can finish, the bathroom door opens again, and K gets out. She grins faded at us, winking maniacally. “Hey, guys.”

Rey’s expression changes in a blink of an eye from being happy to see me to disappointed and accusing.

Will doesn’t sense the tension and laughs hard as hell. “Shit, you believed Deluca? I think he was just fucking with you, man.”

Rey crosses her arms in front of her chest, arching a brow. The alcohol has tinted her cheeks red, but she looks pissed off. “What did he say?”

“That you would try to confuse me, and that’s why you’d go as the devil angel. I thought you were maybe trying to test me, and I wanted to show you that I can tell you apart. I was a little eager and didn’t even glance under K’s mask,” I sigh. “I’m sorry, but I swear I can tell you two apart when I see your faces.”

That doesn’t calm her at all. She prims. “If it were a test, you would have failed. Is it too much to ask that you can tell which one you're hooking up with? Or don’t you care?”

That hits me hard. I understand that she’s upset, but that’s just not fair. I gape at her. “Of course, I do.”

“Oh, come on now. Don’t be so harsh on him.” K giggles drunkenly. “He realized it wasn’t you the second he kissed me. Or a second later, like who even counts... I mean, also I’m a really good kisser, and I wonder...” She turns to me with curiosity, a devilish grin spreading out on her lipstick-red mouth. “What gave me away?”

Rey’s mouth falls open, her eyes glued to her sisters, anger reddening her face. “You think that’s funny, don’t you Keera? For you, everything’s a game. If you ever have a man, I’ll make sure to kiss him too.”

Her jealousy is kinda cute, but what she’s saying really isn’t.

I bark, “The hell you are. You aren’t kissing anybody.”

She glares at me. “You shut up.”

Will snickers. “Better than a telenovela.”

Griff eyes Will suspiciously. “You watch telenovelas?”

“Of course not, but my maid always used to watch them at our house. My parents weren’t home anyway.”

K puffs up her cheeks. “Geez you’re dramatic tonight, it’s not like I sucked him off. His loss, we both know you don’t like to do that.”

“Only because I don’t like to suck off everyone within one mile, doesn’t mean I’m a prude.”

K blinks at Rey, drunk, but a dangerous calm sets over her. “At least I’m not a hypocrite or have you forgotten what you did after Josh turned you down.” Rey’s face falls, and K isn’t done. “Yes, I know what happened between you and Josh. And I never said anything even though I felt terrible you weren’t talking to me about that or any of the meaningless hookups you tried to forget him with. But I never judged you. And I’d never thought you’d judge me either.” 

“I couldn’t possibly talk to you,” Rey chokes out. “And I... I don’t judge you.”

“Yes, you do. But let one thing be clear. I suck off who I want, and I fuck who I want. And if anyone thinks ill of me because of that he can fuck out of my life,” K says icily. “Y’all talk about women owning their sexuality... that is until you throw it in their faces and God knows everyone loves to do that. In the end, our own gender uses it against us. But I wasn’t the one who screwed my twin sister’s ex behind her back. That was you! Tell me what you thought would happen? Did you think he loved you? He fucked me before, he wouldn’t have done that if you were the one for him. He just wanted to say he had twins, like every other guy.”

Rey can only stare at her sister with watery eyes. I feel my chest squeeze tightly, anger rising. I’m not sure what I would do if K wasn’t a girl. As it is all I can do is try to comfort Rey. I want to reach for her, but she moves out of my reach.

“That’s enough now, K,” Griffin says calmly.

She spins to him, giving him her most dangerous smile, “What? You got something to say, nice guy?”

“Yes, I do.” Griff isn’t imitated by her snarkiness. He leans down, so he can talk quietly with her, but I still hear him. “You’re hurting your sister, and I know you don’t truly want to do that.”

For a second I think she’s going to slap him, Will too because he straightens next to them, but then she just turns her back on him. She flips her hair over her shoulder about to leave, but Rey snatches her wrist before she can and pulls her back.

“I’m sorry,” Rey cries out, a tear sliding down her cheeks. “I didn’t mean any of it. Slut-shaming you was just the easiest way to hurt you.”

“Aw.” K lays a hand on Rey’s cheek. “You couldn’t hurt me even if you tried, lil’ sis.”

Rey shakes her head sadly. “Don’t act so cold, I know when Dean called you a slut you cried all night.”

K tenses. “That was once when I was sixteen. I never cried over that again because I never cry over the same shit twice. And if I’d cry every time someone slut-shamed me I’d cry all day and all night.”

“K please,” Rey begs, taking K’s hand and squeezing it tightly to her chest. K doesn’t seem moved by the gesture, but she doesn’t move out of her grasp either.

“Fine.” K finally sighs. “For what it’s worth I only brought up the shit with Josh because I knew it hurt you too. So I guess we’re even.”

Rey shakes her head sadly. “The world doesn’t work that way. Evening up doesn’t do any good.”

“What do you want to hear from me?”

“That you forgive me for saying all that shit.”

“Fine. You’re forgiven.” K puckers her lips. “But don’t ask me to beg your forgiveness because I won't.”

“No, that’s just not you, Keera. And I meant what I said, we don’t have to be even.” But one couldn’t possibly miss Rey’s pleading eyes. She wants her sister to apologize too. She’d take anything.

 But K only nods and turns away. As she walks away she’s being whistled at and catcalled by one of my stupid teammates in the next room. K hisses at one of them with such intensity that he stumbles away as though she is actually venomous. “Fuck off, Burgdoff.”

 After, she’s gone, but we can still hear her voice a second later. “Shut up, Becky.”

Then nothing. Will lets out a breath and grimaces at us. “So that was more intense than any telenovela I’d ever seen.”

“I thought you didn’t watch them?” Griff asks.

“Maybe I saw them with my maid sometimes. But I just wanted to spend time with Lola,” Will admits, shoulders dropping.

I remember old Lola, in some ways, she was the mother Will never had, or rather the mother Will’s didn’t want to be.

 “She’s still upset,” Rey screeches out panicky. “I can feel it. Twintuition. I shouldn’t have said that. It really hurt her.”

I grab her and finally, she lets me pull her to me. “She was the bitch first. She should have never brought up what you like in bed, not in front of us. That was not okay.”

Rey shakes her head. “You don’t understand. That’s not where it started. I said if she ever finds someone she deems worthy to let in, I’m going to try to take him from her. She guards her heart like a hellhound. I should've known it’d trigger her.”

“She brought up the shit with Josh, that was way worse,” I object. “And then what happened after Josh.”

Rey bites her lip, avoiding my gaze. I take her chin and make her look at me. “I don’t care, just so we’re clear. I’m just angry she put you on the spot like that.”

 “Rey said some pretty intense shit too,” Will tosses in and instantly gets a glare from me. He shrugs and holds his hands up as if to say, what? It’s true.

“He’s right, I should go and apologize again.”

“No,” Griff object before I can. “You’d just upset her more. She’s drunk and not objective. You can’t talk when nothing is making sense to her.”

“But I need to take care of her,” Rey objects stronger this time.

Will puts us off, “If any of you will look at me he’ll face my wrath. I already babysat that girl once. Not gonna happen again. I’m out.”

Griff looks from Will back to Rey, “Want me to go look after her?”

Rey’s eyes widen. “I can’t ask that of you.”

He shakes his head to himself. “Well, she obviously wouldn’t talk to you and Ben. And Will and the rest of the team don’t want to, so I’m the only one left.”

“You’d do that?” Rey asks with hopeful eyes. “She tends to get extremely wasted, Griffin, and I don’t want some asshole taking advantage of her vulnerability right now.”

“Nobody will take advantage of her,” G promises.

“Keep an eye out for Josh, he can take over for you. He’ll do it.”

“Let the rookie party.”

Chapter Text

Ben room isn’t as I expected. It’s big for one. The house may be huge, but with so many dudes living here, I expected Ben’s room to be a lot smaller, especially after I saw Josh’s room.

 Ben reads my face and says, “The upperclassmen get the better rooms.”

 “I figured,” I say and sit on his bed. It’s king size, enough room for him and three more girls. The furniture is dark and suits the beige walls.

 He sits down next to me. “Are you alright?”

 I nod even though I’m not. Then I shake my head, sighing. “I feel horrible.”

 “Let me cheer you up then,” he says and lays himself out on his bed, pulling me with him. My angel's wings get stuck in his blanket halfway and I have to take them off. Then I cuddle into his side and bury my head in his chest.

 He lifts my head and lets his fingers graze my face gently. His index finger pokes a spot over the curve of my eyebrow. “This,” he says. When he sees my confused expression he adds, “You have a tiny birthmark right here, barely bigger than a sand grain. K doesn’t.”

 I do. She doesn’t. My eyes widen. “What else?”

 “Hm, let me see.” He’s teasing me. He leans in and his index finger travels over the curve of my lips, “She has this little dent on her underlip and you don’t. Because of that, her lips seem slightly poutier or maybe it’s just the amount of lipstick she uses.”

 “Lip gloss,” I correct, but my mouth curves up because what he says is true. “Nobody except family can tell us apart.”

 “I’m not finished,” he says and his fingers trace my cheek. “Your faces have the same form, but you blush easily. I almost always can read your emotions, I love that. K can stay cold. She’s slightly slimmer, and her skin a little bit tanner.” His lips dart out and he wets his lips.

 “Wow. You do pay attention.” I shove him playfully, but his arm wraps around my waist and pulls our bodies together.

“I mean it,” he whispers in my ear. “You’re hotter. Are you gonna let me make you come again, Rey?”

My breath hitches. I didn’t expect this, and I did not expect my body to react right away with heat and need. He only said a few dirty words and I want to hump him. I want to make him come. “It’s my turn to make you feel good.”

“Hm,” he moans in my ear, lips sweeping over my auricle. “I have been thinking about what you said in the car.”

“What?” I lay my head on my neck to look at him.

“About us not being teenagers anymore. I think we should act as if. Increase the tempo slowly.”

I contract my brows. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Let’s dry-hump.”

That gets a giggle out of me when I understand. “Like we’re teenagers again?”

“Like we’re teenagers again,” he affirms and pulls me closer, fingers splashing over the fabric over my stomach. He kisses my neck up to my ear. “So?”

I giggle harder. “You make it sound like we’re some old couple who needs to spice things up. You do realize it hasn’t been that long for me. I’m just eighteen.”

“So?” His face stays expectant.

I’m already panting, and he’s barely done anything. I bite my lip and pretend to mull it over just to tease him. My finger runs his sculptured chest up and down, smearing the paint on his pec. I heard the hockey team was going as Greek gods and Ben is as team captain, of course, Zeus the Godfather himself. “Yeah. Yeah, let’s do this.”

A second later I’m under him, he braces himself half on his muscular arms, so I don’t feel his full weight. My hands run over his tense abdominals. He groans and kisses me. This time the kiss isn’t gentle, almost instantly he parts my lips with his and our tongues start a fight neither of us feels like winning.

“She didn’t feel like that. This is how I knew,” he mumbles into my ear, nibbling on my ear and then my neck. “She didn’t feel like you, Rey. This is how I knew it wasn’t you the very second I kissed her.”

I groan, my hands claw in his hair, and I pull him back to my mouth until we kiss again. My head spins by the time he shoves my dress up to press his big bulge against my core. We both let out a breath of relief in unison. I shiver at the ecstasy pulsing through me, grabbing his shoulders for support while he moves up and down over me. He’s grinding our lower bodies together so hard the room is filled with both our moans.

He wears only thin linen pants and they do nothing to reduce the feeling. Heat stirs through me, and my core clenches every time his hard-on rubs right over the fabric over my clit, signaling I’m about to come soon.

“Right there,” I moan. “That’s the spot.”

I’m sure he knows because he’s been concentrating on my sweet spot for quite some time now. My legs start to quiver, which doesn’t escape his notice either. “Are you gonna come for me, Rey?” He rubs harder against me when I nod, and I see stars. “Good because I’m so fucking close, sweetheart.”

“Soon. No, I’m closer than that. I’m... now,” I pent, and I scream his name when the orgasm rushes through me, pulses clenching my empty core hard. “Ben, I’m coming.”

His back muscles tense up under my fingers, then he’s gone too, panting. “Rey.”

For a while we’re just lying there, saying nothing, panting from the aftermath of our orgasms. He buried his face in the crook of my neck. He kisses the heated skin. “That was crazy.”

I nod heavenly, but before I can answer a knock on the door makes me wince.

“Sorry,” Will’s voice comes from right outside, drunker than before. “I don’t wanna interrupt something, it sounds really good in there, but Rey your sister has been puking about the last half hour. Griffin tried to stick her in his bed to rest, but she kept asking to go home. He offered to go with her because someone must obviously make sure she doesn’t die, but she didn’t want that.”

“Okay, I’m coming.”

“Again?” he asks, mocking me. “Ben you really are a dependable guy, always making her come more than once.”

“Fuck off, Will,” Ben growls and stands to clean himself up.

My cheeks are red when I open the door to Will, he snickers and leads me to the bathroom where Griffin is in with Keera. He’s holding her head up with one hand and her hair out of her face with the other one. But even his eyes widen when he sees me. “Oh. Wow.”

I follow his gaze and look down on me. The whole front of my white dress is smeared with Ben’s blue paint. My cheeks glow. I feel bad because Ben and I did that while Griffin had to babysit my sister. But he doesn’t mention it, he just picks up my sister and carries her out to his car, he drives a huge showboat too but his is bloodred.

“Rey, get in the back with K. Ben, you don’t have to come with us.”

“I’ll escort you.”

“He’s right,” I object. “If Keera wakes up and sees you, she’ll just be mad again.”

He studies me a moment, then sighs. “Fine. Text me when you're home.”

“Okay,” I promise and give him a quick kiss on the lips. He pulls me to him and makes it linger.

“Guys,” Griffin calls from the driver’s seat, sighing. “I got an unconscious girl in the backseat of my car here.”

I giggle and secede from him. I climb on the seat next to Keera and lay her head in my lap, a bucket to my feet ready if she needs to throw up. Luckily the drive isn’t very long. 

Griffin carries Keera up to her up to her apartment and into her bedroom. On the way up, we pass a group of college girls who have to live in the building. The girls we pass all giggle and try to entangle him in a conversation even though they can clearly see he carries a passed-out Keera.

 I text Ben a quick, I’m home, everything alright, hbu?

Ben: In my bed, you should’ve slept over.

Me: Ahh, maybe Griffin brings some girls with him. They probably are up for a sleepover.

Ben: Nah, my needy soul needs an angel.

I grin at that last text of him, thumbs moving faster than I can think. I can’t wait to see you again. Then I stare at the message and ask myself if I’ve lost my mind. This is no relationship. I can’t say shit like that. Quickly I text, I mean I can’t wait to do that again.

I’m ready to slap me with the phone or hit my head against the next wall I can find when my phone dings. His text says: What are you up to next Sat?

Me: Depends on what you have planned.

Ben: Gonna give you the Reese’s I promised you.

Me: Persuaded!

Ben: Until Saturday, then.

Me:  Pick me up?

Ben:  3 convenient for you?

Me: Jup. See u.

When Griffin lays Keera down, I see the concern on his face. “Are you sure you’ll be alright?”

“Yeah, don’t worry,” I say and think about the look he gives her. “Hey, why did you do all that tonight?”

He holds my gaze, sincerity in his. “I’d do it for anyone.”

I believe him.

Chapter Text

I shoot Rey a quick text that I’m waiting in my car in the parking lot in front of her dorm the next day. It doesn’t even take a full minute and she jumps in on the passenger seat. 

 “Hey you,” she chirps, face glowing. She’s cheerful today and I hope it means she feels better. After all, she didn’t take any painkillers since last weekend, but I know her throat was still sore on Halloween.

 “Where are my Reese’s?”

 I pull out of the parking lot, laughing while she puts on her seatbelt. “In my duffel on the backseat.” I laugh harder when she instantly turns to reach for them. “One could believe you can’t afford them yourself.”

“They taste better when somebody bought them for you,” she claims, nodding viciously as if everybody knows that.

I take her hand and give her palm a quick kiss, “If that’s the case I’m bringing you a treat every time from now one.”

Even out of the corner of my eye I can see her face glow even brighter with glee. “You’d do that?”

“Sure.”

For a time we drive in silence because she’s busy pummeling the whole box of Reese’s. It’s kinda cute. As though she isn’t any older than a toddler, trying sweets for the first time. Her mouth is smeared with chocolate, so she wipes it away with her sleeve. “So where are we driving?”

“You ask that now when we're already on the highway?”

“I trust you, so...”

“It’s a surprise.”

She puffs a strand of hair out of her face. “I hate surprises, have I ever told you that? Keera loves them and with Dean, I think it depends. I guess we three couldn’t be more different.”

“I like your family,” I admit.

That surprises her, “Even Dean?”

I shrug. “Yeah, he’s just protective of you. I respect that. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he still gets on my wick, but I can relate.”

“I always forget that you have siblings, I don’t know why that is. You aren’t spoiled, but you come off as you learned to depend only on yourself. Do you ever ask for help?”

“I don’t need help,” I tease and wink at her. Right now, I can’t be serious with her. That she so easily took a measure of me, being damn right about it, startles me.

“Keera is like that too. The bad thing about it is that she can’t admit if she needs help or even someone to cheer her up. She wants to do everything by herself. Sometimes I wish she’d need me as much as I need her.” She sounds somber about it and I want to tell her that I need her, but it wouldn’t be the way she means it. Or wants it.

I want to ask her how things are going with Keera. If they made up after the party. But I don’t want to ruin the mood. This is supposed to be our day.

“Hey, let’s change the topic,” I propose. “How is your throat? You sound normal, but does it still hurt?”

Halloween, I caught the dry note her throat made when I made her come for me. So today I want to make sure, I need to be sure.

“Thanks for everything you did for me again. And everything has healed perfectly. Thanks to Will, I didn’t even have to wait before my checkups. They just slotted me in.” She shakes her head. “But I don’t want to talk about that.”

“You’re very welcome. And what would you rather talk about?” I can’t see her face because I need to keep my eyes on the road, but I can take quick glances.

She’s unsure when she asks, “Do you want to play 21 questions.”

“Sure.” I usually detest this game, but I take any chance to get to know more about Rey.

“You don’t have to. I have a feeling you don’t like personal questions too much.”

“You can ask me anything, always. If I don’t want to answer I’ll let you know,” I assure her. I take her hand and give it another quick kiss.

I see her bite her lip, “Why are you angry with your mom? Did your parents have an ugly divorce? What’s the story there?”

I did not expect her to ask that question at all or even pick up on the tension between me and my mother. “What makes you think my parents are divorced?”

“Well, you do have stepsiblings... oh my god, are you adopted? No, you can’t, you said you have a half-sister as well,” she mumbles to herself and it’s immensely cute.

I catch her chin between my thumb and my index finger and make her look at me. “My parents aren’t divorced. My father is dead. But he died when I was much younger. It’s okay.”

I usually don’t tell people this, so it’s unsurprising she doesn’t know. There’s something about pity I can’t stand, but when I see the true heart-felt compassion in Rey’s eyes, for the first time the painful remainder is made slightly better.

Her eyes widen. “I’m so sorry, Ben. I shouldn’t have asked, I knew that was a too personal question. I’m so insensitive.”

I huff out a laugh. “You’re pretty much the last person I’d consider insensitive.”

She bites her lip. “Thank you, Ben.”

“Say that again.”

“Thank you,” she repeats confused.

I laugh, “No, my name.”

“Ben, this is getting weird.”

“You haven’t said my name in that tone except when you were delirious, then there was just something underlying it.” Like you need me. Like you crave me.

But I can’t say that without coming off as completely insane or worse, obsessed. I’m hyperaware of everything she does, and that’s almost stalkerish. Knowing that would either turn her off or make her think I’ll give her something I’m currently in no position to offer.

Rey’s brows dart together. “Oh, well I can’t explain. But if you don’t like it-”

“No, it’s fine. You can say it like that. I kinda like it.”

She smiles. “Okay, maybe I’ll say it again.”

“Oh, you will say my name again, scream it even,” I promise and she blushes.

“You are a good distractor.”

“Realized, haven’t you?” I sigh and gather courage. I have never talked about this besides Will. G wouldn’t understand. His family is whole and perfect. His father may have died in his last year of high school, but their parents loved each other in a way I’ve never seen before. It was that kind of love you see in movies or read in books about and don’t think could actually exist.

So even though Griffin knows pain, he doesn’t know what it’s like to wake up every morning to your parents screaming at each other. Which is why we spent almost every weekend at his house. Not at Will’s where we would’ve had the place all to ourselves.

“My parent's story is a little bit like your folks’s. They met in college, fell in love, and my dad accidentally knocked my mum up. Sometimes I think my mum only wanted my father because she already saw the dollar signs in a rising hockey superstar.” My hands clench around the steering wheel. “Whatever. My dad got hurt in his last year and only became a coach. They fought a lot. I don’t recall that time or what the fights were about. Money, I guess. We weren’t poor, but lower middle class in a rich town...”

“Denver,” Rey remembers. She doesn’t comment on the rest, and it helps me to keep going.

“A year before he died their fights got worse. One time my mother hit my father... he hit back. I honestly think it was a reflex from hockey. It was just one slap, and he felt awful afterward, but I guess that’s when their marriage was over. He tried to make things right, but she wouldn’t let him. She didn’t even talk to him. She would stay out longer, come home later. She was never there. It took me a while to understand since I was just a kid then, but I think that’s when she met Doug.”

“Doug?”

“My stepdad.” I grit my teeth. “It kills me not to know. Did she know Doug before that big fight? If that were true it's not his fault, he lost her, she was gone before he raised a hand against her.”

I always wanted my dad to be blameless, although I know it’s not realistic. I guess that makes it easier for me to hold my dad in high regard. And as an angry teenager that’s exactly what I needed. Something to hold onto. Something to give me drive.

But just thinking about ever laying a hand on Rey turns my stomach to the point I want to break stuff. I want to annihilate any threat to her, not be one. When Rey slapped me, it hurt, and yet I wouldn’t have dreamed of laying a finger on her, hockey instincts or no. So how can I give a pass to my dad?

“Ben,” Rey chokes out. She lays a shaking hand over my tense knuckles around the wheel.

I glance over to her and see a tear slip out of the corner of her eye. I wipe it away, “Sorry, sweetheart, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

She shakes her head, voice cracking “Don’t be. Thank you for telling me that.”

I stare at the road, not able to face her. “Maybe I shouldn’t have.”

“No, I understand now where the tension between you and your mother comes from. She not only cheated on your dead but forced you to live under the roof with the man she cheated on him with.”

“Doug’s okay, and his children are... they’re spoiled, but I love them. My mum I just can’t seem to forgive.” I sigh. “I know that makes me a horrible person. I shouldn’t want her to stay in an unhappy marriage. I don’t even know what I would do if I were in her shoes. Though I like to tell myself that I wouldn’t ever cheat, but what choice did she have? Without money, they couldn’t divorce. And Doug was the promise of all problem-solving. Rich and divorced. A great catch, I guess.”

I think about my twelfth birthday when my mom couldn’t get me a present because my dad insisted I needed new skates. She was never allowed to pick out anything for me because what little we had went right into new hockey gear. And fuck, that’s shit’s expensive.

Rey shrugs lightly. “My dad always said cheating is a form of character. Either you are one or not, but I never thought it that simple. Only because it was true when it came to his teammates doesn’t mean it applies to everyone.”

“Is that why your dad instantly liked me? Does he have like a sixth sense for cheating hockey dudes?” I joke and she laughs at that. Relief stirs through my body like a chemical. I needed to loosen the tension between us.

“You can ask me something now, it’s your turn,” she says.

I mull it over. “I think I save the hard questions for later,” I warn her, and she giggles. God, I love that sound. I want to make her laugh all day and moan all night. “Why did you say hazel when I asked what your favorite color is?”

Her cheeks are instantly tint red. “You know why.”

“Do you truly think my eyes are your favorite color?”

“Yes,” she blushes harder.

“Hm.”

“What? Why does that surprise you so much?”

“I got my father’s eyes, is all. They used to call them swamp-eyes. So yes, it does surprise me.”

“But you’re eyes are beautiful Ben,” she says, and my heart nearly explodes. “You must’ve had a thousand girls tell you that before.”

I shake my head. “Guys usually get other compliments. Except if they are Will and Batsy. They get the beautiful-eye-card quite a lot.”

“Finn has pretty eyes too, so dark and with his black hair and lashes. It’s kinda swoon-worthy.” She sees my face and quickly adds, “All I’m saying is eyes don’t have to be blue to be pretty. But yours are very special. I still can’t make out all the green spots in the brown. It’s quite amazing. I could get caught trying to count all of them.”

I think she’s shitting me, but when I turn my head to look at her, her cheeks are so red she couldn’t possibly. I grin, “Didn’t think you a romantic.”

“Didn’t think you one either Mr-I-was-afraid-to-lose-you-let-me-climb-into-your-bed,” she counters quickly, grinning like she won.

I laugh hard, head hitting the headrest, “Alright, alright, just don’t tell the boys about that.”

“Now I definitely will,” she threatens.

“Ah, sweetheart, please don’t do that to me, I still have to be a role model and for that, I need them to respect me,” I jokingly beg.

She giggles, “Fine, for now.”

Chapter Text

Ben drives up to a gate and puts in the code. The electric doors automatically open, allowing me a view of the estate. Apart from being huge, the house is kept in a modern beach house design with each section looking like blocks stacked slightly offset on top of the other. The wide windows take up almost every room on every floor, shielded from views by thick curtains.

Ben drives up a long driveway until we reach the edge of a cliff. Only the first floor has no curtains in front of the high windows, so everyone can look directly into it. It’s the most spacious house I’ve ever seen.

My mouth drops open when Ben opens the passenger door for me and helps me out. Only when the house is directly towering over me do I realize how grand it truly is.

“It’s Will’s house,” Ben says, grinning at my bewilderment. My parents are well off, but not like this. And Ben seems to want to make clear that his stepdad isn’t either. “His parents bought it for him when he chose to go to College here. We move in over the off-season and stay over the summer when we’re not visiting our families.”

“You live here?” I ask stunned.

“Only during the off-season. I made it a rule to live in hockey house during the season. That’s better for the team spirit,” he explains while he unlocks the door. It swings open on its own, but Ben’s still standing as though he’s holding the door for me, allowing me inside first.

“If I could live here, I’d damn the rules,” I say looking around the living room. There’s no floor, and the kitchen and the rest of the living area are connected. Except for the load-bearing walls, there are no barriers, no doors.

Light floods in like a tidal wave crashing onto the shore.

Ben puts a code into the alarm system, stopping the beeping, and the doors behind us shut electrically again. “You’re not wrong. The only thing I get for my trouble is Pruitt’s girl leaving all her stuff on our floor. Will’s always moaning about it because he shares a bathroom with Pruitt. Lots of make-up stuff, I think.”

I laugh at the way Ben scratches his nape, seemingly embarrassed at trash-talking a teammate’s girlfriend, although he has a good reason to be annoyed.

Ben explains that in Hockey House the topmost floor has eight rooms. Since Arcryn’s hockey team has five seniors, three juniors get the better rooms as well. Which is where Ben, Will, Griffin, Pruitt, and the other four seniors stay. Each bathroom is sandwiched between two rooms and can be entered from both sides. So two guys always have to share one. The rest of the juniors and sophomores are on the second floor, and they only have three bathrooms for eight guys. Which is still better than the two bathrooms and only one shower the rookies have to share on the first floor.

“Can I take a look around?” I ask, barely able to contain my excitement. I’ve never stayed at a place as grand.

“Be my guest, I’ll just get our stuff from the car,” Ben says, and I rush off before he even finishes. His laughter trails after me.

When I’ve looked my fill, each room is tastefully furnished, though surprisingly bland in color and void of personal items, I meet Ben back downstairs.

He puts down our bags and shows me the rest of the house. I gape at the opulence. The house has a whole fitness area complete with a sauna and steam showers in the cellar. It even has a whirlpool in the basement. “Gosh, these showers look fancy.”

“Yes, they are fancy, and all showers in this house are like that. Maybe I let you try them out later.” He winks.

I grin, “Ah, that’s why you brought me here? So you had an excuse to ask me to take my close off.”

“Not quite.” Yet his gaze travels to my lips and lower. “I don’t need an excuse to ask you to strip.”

He’s shameless and I love it. Still, I decide to tease him. “Oh, oh. If my father knew that he wouldn’t like you this much anymore.”

"Ah, I doubt that. He was a hockey player himself, he knows what we’re like. Now come on, put your coat back on, we’re going down to the beach.”

We go back upstairs after we gather our things, putting on windbreakers because it’s a typical autumn day. He guides me to the side of the cliff where a staircase leads down to the beach. Since it’s a chilly day, the beach is empty.

We’re the only souls here. But even with the wind whipping around my hair, it’s nice. The smell of the ocean and the salty taste of the air is a welcome balm for me. I wouldn’t say I’m under the weather anymore, but my body didn’t just bounce back after the surgery. It takes time to heal.

I breathe the sea in deeply and sigh. “That was a good idea.”

“The weather isn’t quite as I hoped,” he admits, eying me up and down. “Are you cold?”

I shake my head and stroll on. The sky is clear, and I don’t think it’s going to rain. Ben takes my hand, and we walk slowly as though he doesn’t want to push me.

His skin is warm against mine, and when I gaze at his profile, the way he stands in this paradise setting, I can almost imagine he’s my boyfriend. Like we’re just another couple on a weekend trip. I can’t completely shut out the yearning for that narrative, though when I started to feel so strongly about him, I don’t know.

I always knew Ben Solo doesn’t date. He hasn’t since he started college. He hasn’t brought up our relationship status either. So why would I be different?

Suddenly, I wonder how many girls he’s done this before.

Jealousy strikes me so hard that before I can think better of it, I babble out the question. “Did you ever bring a girl here before?”

He laughs, slightly bumping his hips in my side, “Would you believe me if I told you I didn’t?”

I look up to him, finding only sincerity in his eyes, and something else that answers my question. “Yes. This place seems like a sanctum to you. And you aren’t practically the guy to overshare.”

“Wouldn’t say sanctum, more of a safe haven, I think for all three of us. None of us has ever brought a girl here before.” He frowns at the face I make. “What?”

I can’t tell him that I don’t exactly put the same faith in his friends. Griffin is a nice guy and if a girl he liked would ask him, he’d take her here. And Will’s a player, he’d take any chance he gets to fuck a hot girl.

I shake my head. “Nothing. I guess I wasn’t aware that it has that kind of meaning to the three of you. Are they fine with me being here?”

“They don’t know.”

“Then we can’t leave any traces,” I joke and he laughs.

This certainly isn’t the man cave hockey house is. It’s too clean, too decorated, and customized. And hockey house is none of those things. Well, it was clean enough, but some guy things are always splattered all over the ground.

“What do you think?” he asks.

“I think that this house is so different than hockey house.”

“What do you mean by that?”

I arch a brow to ask if he’s serious. He shrugs, so I explain, “I was there only three times by now, and it’s never been tidy.” I count on my fingers. “Video games, pizza cartons, dirty dishes, and empty cans. Each time I used the bathroom a box of condoms greeted me.” I laugh. “I mean I am relieved y’all stay safe, don’t get me wrong, but why does the box have to stand on the sink right next to the soap where everybody can see it.”

Ben throws his head back, laughing. His eyes glow with amusement when he looks back at me. “I guess I can’t argue with that logic.”

I roll my eyes, “My turn.” At his confusion, I add, “21 questions, right.”

“You just asked if I ever brought somebody here,” he accuses.

“And you asked what I thought.” I laugh at his sour expression. “Do you always wanted to be a hockey player?”

“Always,” he immediately answers. “My dad taught me to skate before I could properly walk. I was better at it, too.”

“Still, it must’ve been rough.”

“My father never pressured me, Rey,” Ben reassures. “Batsy once told me about what his father made him do when he was just a child. Punishments from his father when he failed. I... I can’t imagine that. Everything I did, I did because I loved the sport. My dad, too. It was always for that, never a question of career.”

I nod, understanding. “Yeah, my father and brother are big fans of the Batson’s hockey family empire.”

“They are?” Ben grins. “Maybe I’ll make Batsy bring signed shit by them, so I can give it to your family. You know, kiss arse.”

I laugh. “You might even get your foot in the door with Dean then.”

“I doubt that.” He holds out his hand and helps me climb over the big stones lining the way from the cliffs into the water. I take it, and he easily pulls me up. “Why are you so afraid of doctors?”

“Is that your question?”

“Course it is.”

“You’ve been waiting to ask that,” I sigh and start jumping from stone to stone. “One time when my father taught us to skate, he wasn’t paying enough attention to Keera and me. Dean was fooling around when he tried to get him to practice. Dean’s a natural and he hated that he had to train things he already knew how to do.” I see a bit of jealousy cross Ben’s face. He is without a doubt one of the best, but after what he told me I’m sure he had to work hard for it.

“Whatever. My dad was grappling with Dean, and Keera and I crashed into each other. Concussion and stitches. Both of us.” I rub my head at the exact stop. Even after all these years, I can still feel the ghost of the pain. “I threw up all the way to the hospital, and they almost couldn’t place the stitches because it wouldn’t stop. By the time, they had them done, I’d lost too much blood to be discharged. But then the stitched didn’t sit tight enough because of all the movements, and they had to redo them, and... Well, it was just a whole lot for a child.”

He eyes me while I balance on the narrow side of a rock right above the water. “I can imagine. Getting back into the rink couldn’t have been easy either.”

I wince, almost losing my balance. Ben grabs my sleeve and pulls until he can get a hold of my arm, helping me to a bigger rock.

I knew this would come up sooner or later, but I still hate admitting what a coward I am. “I never did.”

“You never did what? Crash into someone again?” He laughs. “Can’t say the same’s true for me.”

I jump to the next rock, leaving him behind me, so I don’t have to look in his face. “I never went back in the rink.”

“You’re kidding.” Ben’s voice is incredulous.

“It’s true.”

“Rey.” He catches up to me and turns me to him. “You can’t skate?”

I shake my head. “Sounds weird as the sister of a rising hockey superstar.”

“It just sounds wrong. Everybody should know how to skate.” He shakes his head, almost looking disappointed. “You definitely should. I cannot leave it like that. I’m going to teach you. I’ll have to now.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“That’s not going to happen.”

“It will.”

I laugh at his certainty. “Why do you think that?”

“You want to make me happy, don’t you, sweetheart?” He gives me his best puppy eyes.

My grin widens. “Nice try. But now’s my turn.” I bite my lip. “What was your college dating life like?”

I know, of course, and maybe he knows that I know. But I still want to hear it from him.

He grins too. “You could’ve looked that up.”

“But I’m asking you.”

“No dating,” he finally answers after a pause. He looks like he has to stop himself from grimacing. Like he knows what that answer does to me.

“Still not?” I ask carefully.

His expression freezes. “Rey...”

“Just checking if we’re on the same page,” I add quickly.

He eyes me suspiciously, not believing me, but he doesn’t say it. He helps me down and we stroll around the sandy part of the beach again. Then he stops me by wrapping an arm around my waist and leaning his forehead against mine.

His warm breath hits my face when he whispers. “I want you to know that I care about you. And I don’t want to lead you one, but...”

“I know. I care about you too,” I reply, and he kisses me.  

Ben takes my hand and interlaces our fingers, guiding it to his mouth and kissing my knuckles next. Ben is a handsy guy. Maybe I shouldn’t interpret too much in his actions.

For a while, we just lie here. Ben’s hands in my hair, playing with it. Then he asks, “My turn again?”

“Yeah.”

“How many boyfriends did you have?”

“Two, you?”

“No boyfriends.” He winks so mischievously I laugh. “Three girlfriends, though.”

“When did you lose it?”

“Seventeen.” He sees my disbelieving look and adds, “I swear. But it’s not like I never did anything before, though.”

I arch a brow. “Care to explain?”

“Fine... Gosh, I didn’t ask you to,” he groans, and I playfully slap his arm. “My first serious girlfriend and I were fourteen when we were together, so nothing kinky happened. Just a lot of making out, and one time she let me touch her boobs.” He catches me laughing and winks. “Best day of my life till then.”

“I can imagine,” I snicker.

“My second girlfriend was at this catholic school. She was perverted as fuck, though. We were just fifteen, but she would do pretty much anything except for the sex part. Because somehow that went against her beliefs. We broke up after seven months. Now I don’t even know how I was this long with her. She was crazy, I tell you.”

I raise a brow. “Because she sucked you off?”

He nods and laughs. “Every time we saw each other, so I won’t deny that I was probably thinking with my dick. However shortly after, I was dating this sweet girl, and she wanted to wait. So I waited.” He shrugs. “I guess because she was the only one of the three I loved.”

Hearing it hurts. I shouldn’t be. It’s ridiculous. It’s not like I wasn’t in love before I met him. But I can't help it. Suddenly I’m jealous of someone I never met. I don’t even know what she looks like, but I instantly picture someone perfect. Someone worth waiting for. I search for a bigger rock and sit on a dry spot.

Face angled toward the ocean, I ask, “What’s her name?”

He slides up next to me. “Lucy.”

“Why did you break up?”

He raises a brow. “Those were three questions now, after this one, it’s my turn again.” He thinks about the question, although it seems he already knows the answer but isn’t sure how much to tell me. “She always felt... less important, I guess. Less important than hockey, less important than Will, Griff, and the team. When the time came to decide which college to go to she gave me an ultimatum. Come to Boston College with her or break up.”

My eyes widen. “Oh wow, that sounds harsh.”

He shrugs, “I could’ve had a full ride at Boston too. But she knew we wanted to go to Arcryn because of Coach Timon. She wanted me to let G and Will go alone, wanted me to choose her over them and hockey.”

I shake my head. “That’s not love, that’s toxic.”

“My father used to say love means sacrifice. So maybe I didn’t love her enough. Or I’m too selfish.”

I shake my head. “Demanding a sacrifice isn’t love either. Maybe you were selfish, but she was too.”

“I guess you’re right about that. Anyway, that’s the reason we broke up. I went to the west coast, and she went east. Now you know,” he says. “My turn. Now I wanna know the story behind your ex-boyfriends.”

I roll my eyes, grinning because I expected this. “Dave and I were that annoying couple who had been together since middle grade. But in high school, it got too serious too fast. We both made mistakes. He cheated on me, I guess the commitment between us scared him. I dated his archenemy Jason from his chess club to get back at him.” I shrug.

Ben lets himself fall flat on his back, throwing sand at my boots while laughing. “So you’re a vengeful girl, Rey, that’s good to know.”

I lay down next to him. The ground is cool, but he is warm when he pulls me into his side. “Maybe a little bit. I know it wasn’t okay, though. Worst of all, I think Jason liked me a lot.”

“Bummer.” His lips flatten. “Please don’t do that to me.”

“What?” I wrinkle my forehead confused.

“Don’t date anyone on the hockey team after me.”

“We aren’t dating.”

He made that clear.

Ben grimaces. “Do you want me to get penalized for beating up someone on my own team?”

I grin. “If you do that please wait until you play Hewn, I’m sure my brother would love to see that.”

He pinches me in the side, and I jerk. Then he asks, “When we talked about unfaithfulness earlier you said you don’t believe somebody is a cheater or not, did you mean Dave with that?”

I nod. “He sounds like a douche in this, but he was a good guy. I honestly believe he was just scared, we were young then and moving so fast. I was angry at first, of course, but I also missed him. I detest that we couldn’t stay friends after.”

“I won’t cheat on you, Rey,” he suddenly says, face grave. “We may not be together, I can’t give you that, but we are exclusive, no fucking around with other people.”

I stare at him with wide eyes, nodding. He leans in and kisses me, never knowing how much he’s given me. I didn’t think I need his reassurance. After all, I was going into this, knowing he wouldn’t make this a relationship. Hockey means everything to him. That is the only thing he has time for and wants to care about. And after Lucy, I get his hesitance to try again, too afraid he’ll be put in the same situation again. Like he’s forced to break his own heart for choosing hockey. I don’t want him to feel like that with me. But a girl is allowed to dream, right?

I certainly did. Especially after he met my parents, tagging along to dinner, holding my hand, and giving me lingering looks like he wanted to be more than we are. I wanted him to be my boyfriend then. I kinda wished it were different now.

Chapter Text

Ben and I are cuddled up on the big velvet couch in the living room, watching some action movie he put on. The remainder of the chinese take-out is on the table, but we’re done eating, and I don’t think either of us is paying much attention to the movie. My head and hand lie flat on his pec and his slipped under the hem of my t-shirt where he lazily draws circles on my skin.

Who would have thought that such innocent gestures could have such a great impact?

A half-hour ago it was only a warming touch, now it’s turned my body hot and aching for more. It’s insane that he has that effect on me. I feel tingly and excited. I can’t stop thinking about what I want to do to him, what I want him to do to me. I never came as hard before as with him.

But he hasn’t made a move. Should I? Maybe he isn’t in the mood. No way, he’s a guy, and he asked me to stay the night. Well, he did ask me if we should order food and stay or if I wanted him to drive me back, and I told him I’d love takeout. So that was clear enough, I thought.

It’s the darkest night outside, the only light comes from the TV, and we’re cuddled up. The mood is set. So, I should just start. I should definitely start.

Girls can make the first move. Feminism and all that.

Fuck, I’ve never done that before. Guys usually take their chance as soon as they can. But Ben probably feels insanely moral again and doesn’t want to pressure me. Maybe he even thinks I’m still not fit for sex.

I lean over his broad chest, heart hammering against my own when I trace the skin his V-neck shows off. His fingers pause under my shirt and his hand flexes. I let my lips travel up his neck and kiss the spot next to his adam’s apple, sucking on his skin until he moans.

“Rey?” his gruff voice finds my ear.

“Hm?” I try to sound calm.

“What are you doing?”

I lift myself to meet his gaze. “I think you know.”

“You aren’t up for this yet,” he says, but I hear the weakness in his voice. He wants to be convinced.

“I’m fine.” I get up from the couch, and he sits up, following me with his eyes. “I was fine Halloween.”

“I was selfish on Halloween. I shouldn’t have done it,” he says hoarsely.

No, I shouldn’t have told him I almost fainted the next day. It had nothing to do with him or what we did the night before. All Ben makes me feel is good.

I hold his gaze while I open the button of my jeans and slowly unzip my pants. His eyes drop, and I let him see the red lace of my panties. He groans when I try to push my pants down as sexy as I can. “Rey.”

I take off my shirt and let it drop to the side. The bra is next. He just looks at me, not saying a word. Shouldn’t he do something, grab me, kiss me stupid? I never stripped for anyone, maybe I look ridiculous.

It couldn’t have been too ridiculous though because when I drop my gaze, I see the bulge straining Ben’s jeans. I lick my lips, which Ben follows with a groan. He takes the remote and turns the sound down, so it’s not as distracting while we can still see each other clearly in the light of the flickering scenes.

“Come here,” he finally says hoarsely.

I slip on his lap and straddle him. I lean into him, grab the hem of his shirt and pull it off. He’s as ripped as I remember. Every muscle highlighted by the flashing lights of the TV. I let my hands roam over his hard chest. His skin is so soft, so much softer than it looks. I moan and blush when I realize he’s watching me.

He doesn’t grin smugly. His expression is equally hazy with lust. “We’re not going all the way. We’re increasing the tempo slowly, remember?”

Damn me for telling him about the almost fainting. I need Ben to fuck me. It’s been too long, and I never wanted anyone like this. But I know he won’t do it, not when he decided I’m not up for it yet. Even when he’s down bad for sex, he won’t do anything that could potentially slow down my healing process.

Ben grabs my hips and lets his hands trace up my stomach to my breasts. He takes them in his hands as if weighing them, and they’re so big he’s covering me completely. Then his touch becomes a little bit firmer, and I moan when ecstasy shoots through me. Moan again when thumps come into play, sweeping over and rolling my nipples between his fingers. There’s a pinch, just the tiniest bite of pain.

My head falls back, moaning. I slide closer to him, and he wraps an arm around my waist, his hand drops to squeeze my butt firmly. He groans. Ben doesn’t often moan, I realized. He groans. And god, it’s so hot.

I breathe hard and start grinding against him, he guides me with his hands still clamped over my butt. He angles his hip up, and I shamelessly use it to grind down on his dick in earnest. He groans, his cock swelling even larger if that’s possible.

“You have the most perfect dick,” I breathe, not caring how pathetic I sound.

Ben chuckles, unable to keep the smugness off his face or out of his tone. “Wait till I’m inside you.”

“Ah,” I moan. “I want that. Please.”

His face strains as though fighting for control. “Not tonight.”

I sway my hips, studying his expression, what he likes, find what makes us breathe the hardest, and quicken the pace.

“Rey,” he moans, one of the rare ones, and my name on his lips is so hot my stomach clenches.

“Ben,” I pent. “Oh God, are we really doing this?”

“Fuck yeah.”

His hand lazily travels up my thigh, and my breath hitches. His fingers find their way under my panties, and his index finger grazes my clit. I jerk so hard I almost fall from the couch, but he holds me so tightly against him that I only sway. His grip tightens around me, his bicep bulging. I grab onto it to steady myself.

I seize his belt, pull it out of the loops, pop open his button, and unzip the fly. My heart is pounding so heart in my chest, I’m suddenly not all too sure I’m not going to pent again. Ben has been the perfect lover until now, always putting my needs first. Halloween was the only time he got off too, but he came in his pants, and I never got to do anything for him. I want to. I yearn for it. My heart summersaults when I pull his dick out, free him of his boxers. He practically jumps in my hand, ready to be rewarded.

God. Ben is huge. I should’ve expected him, after all, he’s a huge guy. But height doesn’t always match with the... equipment. Ben’s matches, alright. He’s long but not too long. He’s just right. It’s the girth that worries me. Fuck, he’s thick. Swollen, and veiny, and just huge.

I never looked at a dick and wanted that inside me, but fuck, I want Ben. Seeing Ben come undone like on Halloween is one thing, making him lose control is another. I want to make him come, I want him to moan my name when he shoots his load. I want him to think of me every time he’s got his dick in his hand. Of this.

I take his dick into my fist and begin to move slowly up and down around the sensitive crown, making him groan.

He fastens the pace on my clit. It’s so good that my insides clench terribly. “More,” I pent, begging. “More please, I want you inside me.”

He lets his fingers slide to my opening, slowly inserting one finger, then shoving in another one to make me feel full.

“Oh—Oh God,” I moan, and when he starts moving his fingers in just the perfect tempo up and down, my head falls back.

He knows how to do this. His pace is neither too fast nor too slow. He doesn’t go all drilling in like some guys who think friction is the fastest way to get a girl off just because they masturbate that way. He bends his fingers slightly and strokes just that sweet spot inside me. God, how did he just find my G-spot like that?

“Ben, fuck,” I moan, arching my back. “This feels so good, so goddamn good.”

“Yeah, sweetheart?” he groans low. “I love it when you talk to me.”

I don’t know what he means.

I start riding his hand, and he adapts to the tempo. He’s watching me intensively, and when I’m getting closer he knows, and his thump slips under my panties too. He starts stroking my clit in a compatible pace, and I feel like he’s going to wring the orgasm from me.

I bite my lip, eyes still locked with his. “Oh, I’m close,” I breathe. The orgasm is building up, and my voice comes out louder the closer I get, “I’m soo close. Oh. Ben, just a little bit more. More. More. More. OH, OHH, I’m coming.”

I let out the loudest gasp and fall forward, against him, still shivering because his clever fingers didn’t stop moving but are working me through the orgasm.

I slowly lean back, catching my breath until it evens out. That’s when I realize I still have his dick in my hand, though I haven’t done anything for him. He didn’t urge me to, not even when he was getting me off. He grins at me, seeing where my mind has gone back to.

I bite my lip, blushing. “I totally forgot.”

“I noticed.”

“Sorry,” I mumble ashamed.

“Don’t be.” He shakes his head to emphasize his words.

I pick up the pace again, eager to get him there too. He sucks in his breath sharply, hands clamping over mine to slow me down. “That’s too rough,” he hisses out.

My face is on fire. “Sorry.” I bite my lip harder. “Can you show me how you like it?”

It’s not like I don’t know how to, but suddenly with Ben, I’m so nervous I can’t function. And I don’t want to make any more mistakes.

“Yeah, ‘course sweetheart.” His big hands embrace mine, and he slowly starts to move our hands up and down.

I watch him as intensively as he watched me, unable to take my eyes off him. He looks so damn sexy in pleasure. He doesn’t grimace stupidly like some guys do. His expression stays soft while his body is tense. After he picks up the pace on our hands, his head falls back against the headrest, and his breath comes out more ragged. I graze the underside slightly with one nail and his every muscle tenses.

“Rey,” he grunts. “Do that again.”

He’s insanely built and watching his muscle-flexing is such a turn-on. I obligate and let a nail graze up every time his hands move us up, splaying my thumb over the head of his shaft once on top.

“Fuck, I’m gonna come, Rey,” he grunts and starts to shake just when a loud boom from the TV reaches our ears. Wetness spurts in my hands, in our hands. Fuck, having Ben’s cum on me is so fucking hot. It’s like a mark, a badge of honor I deserve for making Ben feel good. I just want to do it again. 

Another boom, and we both laugh. Ben coming in cue with the action scene was not on this year’s bingo card.

He breathes in hard. “Jeez, I didn’t think us—” He points to our overlayered hands on his cock. “—doing this together would be so hot.”

“Neither did I,” I admit, but I’m surprised it was as good for him as it was for me. “I really liked it.”

“Yeah, we have to repeat that.” His gaze goes to the TV where the couple kisses each other after their final fight and the credits start rolling. “It’s late, and we can’t get going too late tomorrow because I’ve got a game. So how about a hot shower together, then bed?”

His smirk is so wicked that I can imagine what he wants to redo right now. “Just showering and just sleeping. I didn’t know that you’ve got a game tomorrow. Now I feel bad.”

“Don’t! That was the best day ever.”

He kisses my lips, and I flash him a little smile after. I know he’s lying but I just pretend that he’s not. Pretending this is more than a situationship is fucking stupid and it will only serve to get me hurt in the end. But I can’t help it.

Pretending feels damn good.

Chapter Text

Ben:

Rey and I wake up to the alarm on my phone going off. We’re tangled into each other. We fell asleep like this, too. Usually, I toss around all night, but it seems spooning Rey, on of my legs hooked between hers, pinned me in place. Like my body knew to not do anything to wake her, even in dreams.

Cuddling isn’t new to me, after all, I had girlfriends, but I never did that with anyone I wasn’t dating. I don’t care if we’re crossing a line, I like it too much.

We almost immediately passed out after our shower together. Showering with a girl whereby getting clean was the main goal was a new experience for me, but I kinda liked it. I liked that Rey wrapped her arms around my middle and pressed her head between my shoulder blades. We just stood there like that for a while, enjoying the steam and the spray of the hot water.

Rey kicks me half asleep and grunts, “Ben, turn it off.”

I have to entangle her body from mine first, but when I try she clings harder to my arm, leaving me unable to withdraw.

I laugh, “Sweetheart if you want me to turn off the alarm you need to let go.”

Slowly, she lets go, and I roll to the side to grab my phone. I groan when I see the time. “We gotta get up or I’m gonna be late for the bus.”

Rey turns to her side and gives me a nice view of her sweet ass. She just sleeps in my shirt and it slipped up, allowing me to see more naked skin than is good for my morning wood. If I had any time on my hands I would wake her up with my mouth, but I don’t.

“Rey?” I mumble, rubbing my face to wake up.

She just grunts. I forgot she’s not a morning person. I stroke the hair out of her face and rub her back. “Okay, sleep for another ten minutes. I go provide breakfast, alright? I hunk when I’m outside, be finished then.”

She grunts again. I take that as a yes.

In less than three minutes, I’m clothed and out the door. I check my phone for bakeries and find a donut and bagel shop nearby. I get myself two bagels, and Rey a bag of sugar-cinnamon donuts because I peg her for that kind of girl. Then I drive back to the house and honk, the lights don’t turn on inside.

I honk again and again. Nothing happens.

Rey makes me wait, and I’m ready to go back in and drag her ass out of bed when she rushes out of the door, hair unbrushed and without makeup. No question she just stood up. Her cheeks a tinted red, probably ashamed she slept through the first honks.

“You look beautiful,” I say when she gets in. It’s true, but she shakes her head like it can’t possibly be true.

“Haha,” she says in a monotone voice.

“It’s true, you don’t need makeup,” I say and pass her the bag of donuts. I ate my bagels while I waited for her.

“Oh, you remembered.” She takes a bite of a donut and moans, “These are my favorite.”

So I was right about the cinnamon sugar. I’m self-satisfied when I guide the car to the road, turning the alarm from the house back on at the gate before we leave the property.

“Of course, I remember. I was just not sure if I should bring you one with the peanut butter filling, but that one looked too crazy with the chocolate glaze.”

She holds a donut in my face. “You want a bite?”

I pull up on the freeway. “Nah, get that out of my face.”

“You honestly should give it a try, Ben.” I see her pout in the corner of my eyes.

I make a throaty noise, half-snort, half-moan. “The only sweet thing I want a taste of again is your pussy, babe.”

Her mouth drops open. “Ben!” she calls, hitting me lightly on the arm.

“What? It’s true!” I laugh. She looks so shocked.

She wiggles in her seat. “I really enjoyed this, Ben, can we do it again sometime?”

My chest feels weirdly light at her words. “Sure.”

“Maybe next weekend? I know you have a home game on Friday. We could drive right after that, go grocery shopping, and maybe stay the whole weekend.”

I smile at her eagerness. I want to spend more time with her too. During the weeks we barely see each other. Rey had a lot of material to catch up on after she’d missed so much class. And she didn’t say it, but I think that dude-bro from the robotics club gave her shit for missing the meetings too.

I’ve got practice and have to keep up with my studies too, so in the middle of the season, it’s hard to make time to see her. Thinking about her every second of every day, doesn’t make me more focused, but seeing her would be even worse. I could never study while having her right beside me. Concentrating when she’s not there is hard enough as it is.

“I wish we could, sweetheart, but I already skipped on the boys this weekend.”

No matter how much I like a girl, I can’t forget my team. If I wasn’t their captain it may be different. Pruitt spends most of his free time with his girl and nobody cares, but I’m not Pruitt. And I’m not the kind of person who leaves somebody in the lurch.

“Oh... well another time then,” Rey says, but she’s clearly disappointed.

I scan her face for untruthfulness, but I don’t find any. I’m wondering if she holds her tantrums back because she has the feeling she has no right to them since she isn’t my girlfriend, but I don’t think Rey is the kind of girl to stress over something like this. She knows what hockey and my team mean to me now. And since I shared my break-up story with her she’s probably even more understanding.

“What about the weekend after?” I propose.

“That’s the Thanksgiving weekend, Ben.”

Damn. I’ve totally forgotten. But now that it crosses my mind I can’t stop the idea. “Are your parents set on you being home for the holidays?”

She turns her head and stares at my profile, eyes widening. “What are you saying?”

Only now does it dawn on me what impact what I am about to suggest might have. “Well, you see my birthday is on the 25^th, so one day later. And Will usually throws a party at his house for me...”

“Here?”

“No, in Denver. The whole team is invited, some come, usually, those who don’t live too far from Colorado. Our high school friends will be there.”

Her expression freezes. She got me wrong, I realize when she says, “I don’t know, Ben... I don’t think my parents would like it too much if I fly down there right after Thanksgiving just for a day or two.”

“Yeah, that wasn’t what I was asking... I meant to ask if your parents expect you to come home you know... or if they’d be fine with you skipping out one year.” Damn. Why do I feel so fucking nervous now? “You could spend it with my family and me. Might be the first year it wouldn’t suck.”

She laughs, rubbing her face. She sighs in relief. “I thought that was what you meant at first, but then you said the birthday shit, and I thought you were just inviting me to the party because you felt bad.”

I shake my head hard. “No, I don’t ever do things because it is the noble thing, you never have to worry about that.”

She laughs heartily at that, answering sardonically, “That’s reassuring to hear.”

“Isn’t it?” I grin at her. “So what do you think?”

She bites her lip. I love and hate when she does that because it always makes me want to kiss her, and right now I can’t. She needs to stop doing that so much. “I don’t know, Ben. I’ll have to think about it and talk to my parents.”

“Okay, you just tell me when you know.”

“What about the plane tickets?”

“We always drive down, use it as an excuse for a road trip.”

“That’s like twenty hours, Ben.”

“So what? We’re young, we can pass the time. You’ll have so much fun with us. After about five hours Will morphs into a toddler. It’s really funny to watch,” I tell her and make her smile. “Usually we drive ten hours, then stop somewhere along the way. One time, last summer, Will convinced us to stop at Las Vegas. Needless to say, it was a bad idea.”

She laughs, shaking her head. “I adore that you guys are so close.”

I can’t keep the smile off my face. Her words warm me, and my chest inflates. That’s so Rey. She’s genuinely happy for me. She wishes everyone something good in their lives. And God knows I needed them when they stepped into my life. “They’re like brothers.”

I meet her gaze, and she lays a hand on my underarm without saying anything, just smiling at me. Maybe I need Rey now too, I think. But I immediately shake the thought.

Rey: 

After Ben drops me off at my dorm, kissing me goodbye, I am practically glowing. And that’s when I know I’m fucked. No matter how much I told myself to stop pretending, I couldn’t. Couldn’t stop wishing. And now I’ve done it. Caught feelings.

 Not just any feelings. I don’t just care for Ben. I’m falling for him. Head-first crazy in love. The unstoppable kind. The kind that makes it way too late to abort mission. I know no matter what, I’ll stick with him. Be with him until he bores of me.

The smile freezes on my lips. I’m so distracted I don’t watch where I’m going and bump into a passing guy’s shoulder.

“Watch out... Oh, it’s you,” Pete says annoyed. He takes a breath, re-positioning the bag strap on his shoulder, although it doesn’t look that heavy. “Well, now that I’ve got you here, I just wanted to let you know, we’ve decided to uninvite you from robotics club.”

“What? Why?” I say, dumb-struck by this revelation. This is the first time I’m hearing of this.

Would they have let me know if he didn’t run into me? Couldn’t they even be bothered to write an email?

“You just don’t have the attitude we need.” Pete shrugs. “We made third place at the annual competition last year, and we really got a shot of winning this year. All of us engineers take it seriously. We can’t afford someone only showing up when they feel like it.”

My mouth dropped open. “But I... I was sick, I was in the hospital. I texted Marissa.”

Once I was back on my feet, I wanted to get back to the project we started, but Marissa informed me the meeting last week was canceled. Now, I’m questioning it. Was she too chicken to tell me what they decided? Did she hope she could change their minds to spare me from finding out how they felt about me?

Pete rolls his eyes like he’s heard it all before. I can tell he doesn’t believe me. “Yeah, she let us know. But we voted on it, and I’m sorry, but you’re out. You can try again next year if you’d like. Maybe with a better work ethic.”

He walks away before I can come up with a good response. He’s almost at the door when the unfairness of the situation finally hits me.

Keera’s face is conjured in front of my inner eye, telling me to stand up for myself. To fight back.

I finally do.

“I’m pretty sure you can’t do that. Clubs are open to anyone who wants to join,” I call after him. “University rules!”

Pete doesn’t even stop, he just slows down while using his shoulder to prop the door open. He calls back, “Yeah? What are you gonna do? Send your jock boyfriend after us?”

And then he’s gone.

I blink rapidly, trying not to cry.

Pete is right, there is nothing I can do about their decision. Even if the inclusivity committee forces them to let me back in, they would make my time there a living hell. The environment would be toxic. I wouldn’t want to work with people who don’t want me on their teams anyway.

But that doesn’t relieve the tight feeling choking me up, twisting my stomach into knots. Why does this feel so bad?

But then I know why. It’s because Ben doesn’t want me either. Not truly. Not like I want him. My phone pinging with a text reminds me of this when I see Ben’s message light up on my screen.

I’ve made it just so. On the Bus now. Can’t stop thinking about last night. I know we’re both swamped, but I don’t think I can keep my head on straight if I can’t see you soon.

Last night, he said. Not yesterday. Not this morning. Last night.

Twenty minutes earlier this text would’ve made me smile, but right now all it does is twist my guts further. Because Pete is also wrong. I don’t have a boyfriend to send after them.

Chapter Text

“They’re a bunch of losers, I don’t know why you care,” Gigi says, taking a sip of her latte. She puts the cup on the saucer and leans back in her seat. “But if you want I can talk to my brother. I think he knows people on the inclusivity committee.”

I knew Gigi would offer to talk to Griffin, and so would Ben if I had brought it up. Which is precisely why I didn’t. With Ben anyway. Gigi doesn’t know how much robotics means to me, so I expected her to shrug it off. That’s also why I didn’t tell Keera. If K would’ve learned they booted me, there would’ve been hell to pay.

“No, you’re right. The guys are just losers with fragile egos, no one I would want to be around anyway,” I agree and shrug. If it’s forced, Gigi doesn’t notice.

She glances around the small on-campus coffee shop. If I learned anything about Gigi during our weekly coffee dates, it’s that she loves people-watching.

Her eyes return to me, lighting up. “Change of topic. How are you and Ben? My brother told me you spent the last weekend together.”

My smile freezes on my lips, and it takes everything in me not to let it drop. But the truth is I’ve been avoiding Ben ever since that trip. I didn’t ignore him, just used schoolwork as an excuse. It’s not even a lie that I have a lot of catching up to do.

The study sessions have been long and hard, and they would’ve been indefinitely more productive if my mind had stopped trailing back to Ben or the robotics club. While I don’t know how to handle the Ben situation and refuse to linger on it, I can’t stop myself from reworking the sketch I made of the new reworked placement of the screws in our robot’s arms. It would grant it more flexibility and even more precision in the steering. I sent it to Rose and she thought it was great, and even gave me a tip on the material. But that was before I found out I’d never get to finish the project. And yet I keep coming back to my sketch, trying to figure out if I can do something similar to any of the other limbs.

It's a waste of time.

I can’t stop.

“Rey?” Gigi snaps two fingers in front of my face.

I blink back into reality. “Sorry spaced off.”

“Wow, you’re really into Ben, aren’t you?” She grins.

I am really into Ben. More than that. But right now, I try not to think about how much.

I shrug, flashing a shy smile that hopefully relays I don’t want to get into it. “Maybe.”

“He’s into you too, like a lot, I can tell,” Gigi says.

“You’ve barely seen us together?” I can’t help but argue.

Gigi huffs. “I’ve seen what I needed to see. The way he looked when he found you passed out on the floor.” She shakes her head. “That was the look of a man having his heart ripped out.”

I roll my eyes. “He thought I would die on him, and that it would be his fault because he left me when I didn’t feel well. Although I forced him.”

“Why do you try to downplay it? I know what I saw,” she says, standing strong on her point.

I take a big sip of my caramel latte, unsure how to proceed. But in the end, I cave because Gigi is my friend, not Ben’s. She’s Griffin’s sister, but she wouldn’t relay anything I tell her in confidence because she knows G would go snitch to Ben. And I need to talk to someone about it.

I take a deep breath. “I’m sure Ben’s feelings are not that strong because he told me so.”

Gigi frowns, eyes narrowing. “Are you sure that’s what he meant? I’ve known Ben my whole life, and I’ve never seen him the way he is with you.”

“What about Lucy?” I can’t help asking.

Gigi thinks this over. Head tilted to the side, she answers, “I do think Ben loved Lucy, in a way. His way.” When she meets my gaze, she sees my confusion and adds, “In a guarded way. Ben never let her in fully. And she always knew. That’s why she gave him the ultimatum.”

I scrunch my nose. “Ben isn’t guarded.”

Gigi laughs, a bright sound drawing the attention of everyone around us. “Yes, he is. Just not with you! Do you know how long it took for Griffin and Will to make Ben understand he was not just a third wheel in their friendship? He refused to call them his best friends for the longest time.”

“What? Why?”

Ben had seemed nothing but close to his best friends. It never occurred to me there could’ve ever been a mismatch.

Gigi shrugs. “He’s just lost his dad, and the relationship with his mother is strained. Then these two guys come along, who have known each other since they were babies... I kind of get it. Will and Griffin have been friends even before I was born.”

I blink, surprised at this new information.

“What did he say exactly that caused you to believe he doesn’t feel the same way you do?” Gigi asks.

I sigh, resiting how Ben told me in no uncertain terms he has no time for a girlfriend. How hockey would always be his priority, how it had to be because he owed his dad so much.

Gigi nods with understanding, and I think she finally gets it when she says the exact opposite, “Classic case of denial of feelings.”

I let out a hoarse laugh. “You’re so wrong.”

She shakes her head. “No, you are.”

“Well, even if that were true, it’s not like I can force him to acknowledge his feelings.”

“We can start him off,” she suggests.

“No, I’m not going to manipulate him into labeling us. It has to come from him,” I disagree.

“You’re the exact opposite of Lucy,” she says with a grin. Then nods behind me. “But you also vastly underestimate your allure.”

I turn to see a barista scrubbing down a table on the other side of the room. He’s not looking at me.

“Please, I don’t have allure,” I huff.

Gigi rolls her eyes. “Just look at him and smile.”

“What? Why?”

“I’m trying to prove a point.”

“Unnecessary.”

“Just humor me.”

“No.”

“Rey, flash him a smile.”

“No.”

“Do it!”

I sense there is no way out of this discussion. Gigi is stubborn, and she’s set her mind on this. It’s easier to let her have her way than drag this on. It’s just going to take a second to prove her wrong anyway.

I turn in my armchair and meet the barista’s eyes. Surprisingly, he’s already looking up at me. He blushes when I catch it, and it deepens when I smile. Then he hurries off.

I turn back to Gigi. “See?”

“Just wait?”

“What for?”

She just grins.

The barista returns a minute later with a blueberry muffin set on a small plate. He holds it out to me. “On the house.”

“Oh, thank you,” I stutter, caught off guard.

Gigi’s grin goes through the roof. “You know what? That muffin looks delicious. I’m going to get me one.”

I try to catch her eyes and plead with her not to leave me alone with this guy, but she walks off without glancing back.

I set my teeth, but then figure I’m rude and drop the attitude. It’s not his fault, I was the one who smiled at him.

“I’m Taylor,” he says, holding out a hand.

I shake it awkwardly. “Rey.”

“I’ve seen you around. Well, mostly here with Gigi. I have some courses with her.” He rubs his nape, blushing harder.

“Oh, that’s cool,” I say, unsure what else to add. I could ask him about his major, but I don’t want to. I know I’m not being the best conversation maker, but I don’t want to drag this on longer than it needs to.

“Well, if you ever want to drink a coffee with me, ah... uhm, we could.” He blushes even harder. I realize he’s pretty cute, in an artsy, soft-boy kind of way.

“That’s not going to happen, buddy,” a cool voice sounds from behind me, and I whirl around to find Ben standing behind my chair.

He must’ve just finished practice because his hair is still wet, and the white shirt he wears under his varsity jacket clings to his abs a little harder than it would’ve otherwise.

Taylor’s eyes widen, darting between Ben and me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you two are together.”

“We aren’t,” I say a little too quickly, and both men eye me.

“Doesn’t matter,” Ben growls, setting his training bag down next to the armchair beside me before he plops down into it.

The message is clear, he’s claiming this spot and me as his. If only he didn’t have a problem doing it apart from a guy hitting on me.

Taylor nods, trying to smooth things over with a compliment. “I get it. Well, you two have a good one. And good game last week, Ben.”

Ben nods stiffly while Taylor departs. Then he turns to me.

“What was that about?” we both ask at the same time.

“Me first,” I say. “You didn’t need to go all neanderthal on him.”

Ben’s nostrils flare. “I think you remember what it looks like when I go apeshit on a guy trying to get with you.”

The memory of Ben punching Thorne flashes through my mind.

He nods, a grimace of a grin stretching out on his lips like he knows. “That’s right. You drive me crazy, Rey. This was me being reasonable.”

“Reasonable?” I parrot with a snort.

“Yes.” Ben’s eyes narrow. “Or did you want that guy’s number? I thought we agreed on exclusivity but considering you’ve been ignoring me, you might’ve changed your mind.”

“I... No.” But I don’t look at him while I say it.

Ben cups my face and tilts it, so I have to look at him. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, just... I’m stressed. So much to catch up to...”

“Don’t give me that bullshit excuse again.”

“It’s true. It’s a lot, so much so I don’t even know if I can spend Thanksgiving with you. But I haven’t been avoiding you,” I lie, and he grimaces.

His tone takes on a bitter note. “I couldn’t be sure over text, but now I am. I know when you lie because you suck at it, Rey.”

“Ben...”

“Maybe send your sister again, she’s good at it.”

The reminder of how we played Ben makes my chest tighten. I hoped he let go of that by now, but it’s clear one misstep brings the memory right back. I can’t stop the hurt from flashing over my face, and Ben instantly softens.

“Just tell me what’s going on,” he pleads.

“I’m sorry, Ben. You’re right, we made plans. Of course, I’ll spend Thanksgiving with you.”

“If you don’t want to, you can tell me,” he says, his voice quieter. He looks confused, and hurt... and something I can’t quite place. “I get it if you don’t want to meet my family yet.”

Yet. Like there’d be any other time despite Thanksgiving. Ben made it clear this situationship has an expiration date.

And yet, I can’t leave him alone when he wants me there. When he needs me there.

I shake my head quickly. “No, I know it’s strained at home, and I want to be there for you... It’s just that we’re not even dating, so what are we even doing? What are we going to tell them?”

Ben shrugs. “The truth. I don’t care what they think. We are whatever we want to be.”

No, we are what you want to be, Ben.

But I don’t say it. I gulp and rub my temple. “Alright.”

“Are you sure? You don’t look alright,” Ben points out, softly. He puts a hand on my nape and starts to massage the knots away.

“I’ve just been stressed.”

“I can tell.” Ben leans in, but he doesn’t kiss me. Like he’s suddenly aware of the canyon opening up between us. “Hey, let me take you out to dinner tonight, eh?”

I frown. “Isn’t today team dinner?”

“I can miss it once.”

“Ben...”

“It’s not a big deal, Rey.”

“You said it was.”

“It’s not.”

“It’s the last one before Thanksgiving.”

“Rey.” He groans, then laughs a little. I know then, he won’t drop it.

“I can come along if the guys don’t mind,” I offer, aware of the fact he’s not going to let this go.

“No, let’s do just you and me. It’s fine,” he adds when he sees my expression. “Please.”

“Okay,” I sigh.

“I’ll pick you up at seven,” he says, rising. He waits until I acknowledge our plans before he strides off. Before he leaves altogether, he brings me a new caramel latte, though.

I have to force a thankful smile. I don’t know why, but it feels like a knife is being twisted in my guts. Because on one hand, I just want Ben to leave, but then, when he’s gone, I feel even worse.

Gigi returns to the table with a curious expression, asking, “So? Have you guys talked it out?”

“Yes,” I lie, forcing another smile. “But I actually have to run to catch my next class.”

“Alright,” she says, frowning in confusion. I usually stay longer.

“I’ll catch you later,” I call over my shoulder, and hurry out of the coffee shop.

Leaving the caramel latte, I run back to my dorm. I almost don’t make it into my room before the tears start streaming down my face.

Feeling like I’m losing Ben, although I never had him in the first place, would be bad enough. Losing the only hobby able to distract me from feeling like shit is even worse.

I throw myself on my bed and just cry.

Chapter Text

“Rey got dropped by those losers in the robotic club?” Keera repeats with both disbelief and distaste. Her nose flares, eyes glaring. She looks ready to fight. It’s never been more obvious than now that Keera and Rey are not confusable. K has an impressive bitch face, the kind that makes people run. Rey couldn’t stop looking sweet if her life depended on her.

“Yes,” I confirm. “And I need your help to fix it.”

It was not easy getting to the bottom of Rey’s depressive mood, but eventually, Gigi caved. Not because she thought she was giving anything away, though. She truly had no idea how much the robotics club meant to Rey. She only told me to talk to Rey if I wanted to know how she felt, but that I shouldn’t overthink because rejection stings. At my confusion, she elaborated by relaying how the robotics club dumped her.

“You want my help beating them up?” K asks with a sardonic smile. With a nod to Will and Griffin standing beside me, she adds, “Looks like you’re all stacked up on muscle.”

I would lie if I said my first instinct hadn’t been cornering the dudebros who not only made Rey feel unwelcome but made sure she was dropped by the club. But that would not only make things worse for Rey but would be a sure way for me to get a few games of suspension.

Fortunately for me, Griffin tends to keep the clear head me and Will lack. Because Will’s reactions wasn’t far off from my own.

“We have a much better idea,” Griffin chimes in, flashing his best dashing smile at K.

Gosh, he’s embarrassing. I hope I don’t look like that when I’m flirting with Rey.

The look I level at Will, trying to share in a good-natured jibe, is shot down instantly. The way he arches his eyebrow clearly says: Really? Coming from you? Letting me know exactly how embarrassing I am with Rey.

Great. I could’ve done without that knowledge.

Griffin finishes up relaying our plan to Keera, and the pride for his cleverness can’t be missed. Now he’s really just trying to show off for her.

Keera is not impressed. Maybe because we also intercepted her after her cheerleading practice on the way to the dining hall. She’s probably famished.

K frowns. “I don’t get why you need me to talk to the girls in the robotics club.”

“Because women don’t trust men to advocate for them. Not that we’ve done enough to earn a different assessment.” Griff shrugs. “But you’re strong-willed and tough enough to create a space the others will feel safe in while also able to understand the struggles women face.”

How fucking thoughtful of our feminist G, always thinking about everything. And naturally, it works.

I can tell that K is reluctantly flattered by the compliment. A low flush starts at the base of her throat. K never gets a red face like Rey does, she hides her emotions while Rey’s comfortable being open.

I wonder why I struggle to meet her halfway. I’ve been as emotionally available with her as I can, and it’s more than I’ve ever been with anyone else, but I know it’s not enough. And it’s not like she knows how hard it was for me to begin with.

I don’t deserve to get browny points for the bare minimum, I get that. And yet, I just want her to know what we have isn’t like any of the hookups I’ve had in the past.

“Do you have the numbers of these girls?” Keera asks. She may be able to be a bitch, but she’s always there for Rey, fighting in her corner like a bull with a red flag. She’s a little bit scary if I dare admit it, but she’s a good sister. I’m almost inclined to forgive her for the shit she said to Rey at Halloween. Almost.

I know siblings fight, and I’ve certainly said worse to both Will and G, so this makes me a total hypocrite. But I draw the line at Rey’s feelings getting hurt.

Griffin hands over a list of the robotics club with addresses and phone numbers. He’s highlighted all the girls’ numbers with a yellow marker. Where he got all that from, I have no idea, but G regularly surprises me with his knowledge of college politics as well as his sources and connections behind the scenes.

Keera bites her lip, suddenly feeling… some type of way under our expectant gazes. “I can’t promise anything.”

“You trying is all that matters,” G says smoothly, and while I want to disagree, I bite my tongue. “Chance is Rey isn’t the first this has happened to. If the only outcome is that we find like-minded people able to make Rey feel less alone that’s already great.”

Keera rolls her eyes with a snort. “That’s not what you want.” She nods her head toward me. “And that’s not what he’s going to be content with either.”

“Rey doesn’t want to be a part of that robotics club again,” I point out. “We have an idea how to fix that, but it’s important you don’t tell Rey we were involved.”

Rey is grinning all over her face when she leaves the dorm and heads over to my car. The certainty the good news already reached her is relieving, to say the least. I’m actually a few minutes late because I helped move half the robotics equipment into the new club space. G even managed to find a free space, and from now on only Marissa has a key.

After Keera talked to the girls in the robotics club, it turned out not two, not three, but four girls had been booted from the club for not being engineering majors. Two were even enrolled as minors, but that wasn’t enough for those assholes. The girls felt bad about everything, but they’d been even more afraid the other members would find out. For a lot of them, being part of the robotics club, was important for their resume.

Once Keera made them understand Griffin got permission for a second, all-female robotics club, all bets were off. They relayed how condescending the other members had been, how they barely got any time with the equipment they needed because the better projects came first, and how they stole their ideas but claimed it didn’t matter because they were all part of the same team. They would, of course, not credit them, and freak out if the girls wanted to integrate parts of their designs in their projects as well.

“Ben, you won’t believe it!” Rey shouts, jogging over the rest of the way. She throws her arms around me, and I pull her into the tightest embrace.

I can feel the joy coming off her in waves, and I already know what I managed today in just the span of a few hours with her sister’s and my friends’ help is the single greatest thing I’ve ever done.

“What? Tell me, sweetheart,” I mumble into her hair.

Rey pulls back to gaze up at me, and it takes everything in me not to yank her back. Instead, I stick my hands in my pockets, leaning against my car.

“The girls of the robotics club started a separate, all-female one. As it turns out, the dudebros were total assholes to everyone without dicks, and the girls finally had enough of it,” she says, relaying all the sexism the girls had to deal with.

Nothing she tells me comes as a surprise, but I do my best to pretend it does for several reasons. If Rey knew it was me who got the ball rolling, she’d either feel like I thought she couldn’t handle herself, be reluctant to join the new club, or worse feel indebted to me.

“That’s fucked,” I say after she finishes. I lace my tone with a little mischief for good measure and add, “You want me and the guys to go talk to the dudebros?”

She laughs and slaps my chest lightly. “Nooo.”

“Too bad,” I say and make her laugh. It’s on my tongue to tell her how the dudebros almost pissed themselves when Will very aggressively rearranged their remaining equipment. It’s a shame I have to keep that to myself, their watery eyes were priceless.

I prop the door open and hold it for her. “Let’s have a nice evening.”

She eyes my suit and points to the little dress she’s wearing. “How did you get a last-minute reservation in a fancy restaurant?”

I don’t instantly answer because I am distracted by the way her short dress reveals her long legs, covered only by the thinnest fucking thighs in existence, which makes me imagine doing all types of dirty things to her. Earlier, I could only focus on her smile, her joy, but now a more primitive need announces itself.

I gulp, concentrating on her face. It makes it only slightly better because Rey is so fucking beautiful. But I wanted to take her out on a real date, and she finally let me. I need to get a hold of myself.

“Will,” I admit with a wink, closing the door for her.

When I appear in the driver’s seat, Rey asks with amusement, “Does his last name get him in everywhere?”

“Everywhere,” I confirm.

It’s a little bit of a drive to the restaurant, but we have a good time. Rey talks about that one time they all got One Direction concert tickets for Christmas, and Dean was forced to go, although he couldn’t stand them. She shows me pictures from the concert, Dean pouting or angrily looking into the camera in every photo, having me howl with laughter.

When I admit I don’t really know their music, Rey connects her phone via Bluetooth and plays all of their albums back to back. She knows the lyrics by heart, belting them from the top of her lungs. She misses every note, but it’s incredibly cute.

I still chuckle to myself when we take the driveway up to the restaurant where a valet is waiting to park for us. Very, very fancy restaurant style.

The valet opens the door for Rey which makes me a little grumpy, but he means well, so I hand him a twenty-dollar note anyway.

“Thank you,” I say while switching my keys for a numbered token.

Rey takes the arm I offer her and lets me lead her up the steps to enormous double doors. “I think you’re supposed to tip later.”

“I wasn’t sure, so I better do it twice.”

We’re seated at a table in the very back. It’s almost a side room, only there are no doors, connecting our space to the main room by a half-drawn-through wall. Several forks and knives line both sides of my plate, and I have no idea what to do with half of them, but it doesn’t matter.

Rey looks equally lost, and we both laugh. “It’s certainly very fancy.”

“Came recommended.”

“I would’ve been fine with the diner.” She leans forward, covering my hand with hers, and my heart jumps. “It’s about the time we spend together.”

“I know. And I know I told you hockey is my priority. But I wanted to show you I can make it work,” I say with more intensity in my tone than I intend.

I can tell it’s too much by the way Rey’s eyebrows draw together.

What did I expect? Every time we’re together I tell her something different. I don’t mean to, it’s just I’m equally confused. But that doesn’t mean I have the right to confuse her. She deserves me being straight with her.

I clear my throat. “I’m really glad you’re spending Thanksgiving with us.”

She nods. “Ben, I—”

The waiter rounds the wall and appears next to our table. “Good evening. I’m Cole, I’ll be your waiter for the evening. Here is the menu. Would you like the wine list as well?”

“Yes, thank you,” I say, and he disappears. I focus on my menu. “Will says this restaurant is famous for their seafood. We should try the scallops, the shrimp, and the lobster. Do you want the fried squid rings as an appetizer?”

“Ben?” Rey’s eyes are wide.

“What?” I ask, cold terror gripping my spine. What did I do wrong now?

“Are you sure it really is okay? With the price and everything?”

I frown. “There are no prices on the menu.”

“Exactly,” she calls out so loud, she slaps a hand over her mouth. I grin. “That means it’s like expensive-expensive. Like incredibly.”

I shake my head. “My credit card connects to my stepfather’s bank account. We’re fine.”

“Isn’t he going to be angry?”

I snort. “The opposite. He always tells me to stop being a cheap stake and start taking women out as becomes someone of our socioeconomic status.”

Rey laughs behind her hand, shaking her head. “Alright then.”

The waiter returns with the wine list, and I let him recommend a white wine that pairs well with shellfish. While he talks, I nod engaged, pretending I know what he’s talking about despite the fact Rey is trembling, baiting me to crack up with her. But we only allow ourselves to do so once he leaves.

“Did I impress you?” I laugh.

She makes a chef’s kiss gesture, grinning. “Like a true connoisseur.”

“We should have brought Will.”

“Oh my god, that would’ve been so funny.”

“Just two dudes talking the pros and cons of decantation.”

“Pretty sure there’s only pros.”

“Nah, there has to be a con. All good things have on.”

She looks at me with stars in her eyes. “Yeah, I guess they do.”

The drive back is pure torture because of the high I feel from the gourmet dinner. And the buzz Rey probably feels from the three glasses of wine she had, only makes her want me to touch her. We’re on the same page there. It’s been too long. I crave her.

And I know she feels the same because she’s been crossing and uncrossing her legs ever since we got in the car. I don’t know what exactly caused it, but suddenly the mood between us changed, turned darker, needier. And our conversation is stagnant, we’re both trying too hard to keep it light.

The relief I felt when I finally parked the car in front of her dorm could’ve knocked me out. I’m finally free to do something about the hot and heavy atmosphere between us. But when I turn to her, Rey’s eyes are shifting away, avoidant.

“We have an early drive tomorrow,” she points out.

Yes, we do. And I suddenly curse myself for not telling Will and Griffin we should all just sleep in.

I clear my throat, but my voice still comes out like gravel. “You could grab your things and sleep at mine.”

Rey presses her lips together, lids fluttering. That’s a no.

I can take a hint. “You’re probably right, we should get some sleep.”

She nods, and just when I think she’s going to grab the door handle and leave, she looks back at me, leaning in, allowing me to give her a goodnight kiss.

A small noise leaves my mouth once I have her face in my hands, pulling her in until my lips slant over hers. A feeling unlike any other instantly rushes through my body, activates all my hormones, and rushes through me like a high. I deepen the kiss, telling myself I’m going to pull away any second. I just need a little bit more.

God. Her taste.

My dick is hard as a rock in my pants, and I know I have to stop. But when I try, Rey draws closer, refusing to break the kiss. Her lips open under mine, and her tongue teases along my lower lip.

I grunt, throwing all good intentions to the wind. If she wanted to get to bed early, she shouldn’t have started this. This is a fucking invite if I’ve ever seen one.

I grab Rey by her waist, pulling her over the console and setting her on my lap. Her hips instantly shift forward, seeking friction. Her accompanying moans are the sweetest noise my ears ever heard.

I latch onto her neck, kissing and suckling until her movements become more jerky, the sounds she makes more desperate. I slowly ease her backward, down on the passenger seat, and guide her up until her hipbone is at my eye level.

Shoving her dress up, I reveal her sweet middle, and the fucking tights blocking access. I’m too impatient to roll them down, so I just grab a piece covering her crotch and rip it up, and down, and away from her.

Rey moans. “Ben.”

I hook a finger under her panties, finding her wet, so, so wet. I groan. I lower my head while I pull her string to the side and—

“Stop,” Rey calls, half-panicked, half-frustrated. “Ben, we have to stop.”

I look up from where I’m still half-wedged between her sighs, trying not to let my disappointment show. I hem. “Yeah, sure. If you don’t want to—That’s fine. We don’t need to.”

“I want to,” she sighs, her face taking on a deep shade of red. “I’m on my period.”

“Oh.” Understanding sinks in. “And you don’t feel great.”

“I feel great. I feel really, really great.” She moans. “And if you don’t mind we can do other stuff.”

I glower at the thought she might feel too dirty to let me please her however the fuck I wish. “But I want to eat your pussy.”

“Ben…” She’s blushing to the point it wouldn’t surprise me if she’d light up like a Christmas tree.

“Do I get to eat your pussy, yes or no?”

“The blood—”

“Hockey player.”

“I—”

“Yes or no, Rey?”

“Yes.”

I pull her string to the side and bury my face in her pussy.

Chapter Text

Rey:

I can’t believe that I’m standing in front of Griffin’s red showboat of a car right now, ready to drive to Denver with them. I gave it a good thought, thinking it was way too soon for Ben and me to do these things. After all, moving too fast has destroyed one of my relationships already. But then I remind myself that Ben and I are in no way a couple. Eventually, he’ll leave, so there is no reason to miss out on the good things we can have now. I’d regretted it if I told him no.

I didn’t have to persuade my mum, it was rather the other way around. She was delighted to hear that Ben invited me to spend Thanksgiving with his family and kept telling me how big of a step this was, seeing all the signs of a relationship that’ll never be. But I let her dream for now. I have to destroy that someday, but that’ll be later. When Ben is gone.

“God, Rey, how long did you think we’re staying?” Will says and laughs. Griffin turns around, sees my suitcase, and joins in Will’s laughter.

I turn around and give my sister an accusing look. “See? I told you it’s too much.”

Keera shakes her head, arms crossed in front of her chest. A presumptuous expression on her face. “Nah, they’re men, they don’t understand shit.”

“Hey, Keera,” Griff greets her.

Keera cocks a brow, wrinkles her nose, and then turns her back on him. “By the way, I took out the dresses you packed and snuck in a few of mine for you. Yours aren’t party material.”

My face reddens, and I groan, “You know damn well I don’t fit in your tiny dresses, Keera. You barely do.”

She huffs, “Stop being so dramatic, Rey, you fit in all my stuff. You honestly have complexes. If you were that much fatter than me, Ben wouldn’t have no problem telling us apart at all, would he?”

Ben did point out she’s slimmer than me, but what she says is still true. Halloween, he switched us up nonetheless. But unlike him, I see Keera get changed, and I know her stomach is perfectly flat whereas mine is softer.

“Fine, whatever,” I hiss. I am not satisfied with the outcome of that discussion, but I also don’t want to make the boys wait.

Ben kisses my cheek. “You wanna run back up for a different dress?”

I shake my head. “No, I don’t want to make you guys wait any longer. Don’t worry. I’ll make it work.”

“I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. You won’t be able to enjoy the party. We can go shopping before the party if you like. Get you a new dress.” He sees me grimacing and just shrugs. “Think about it.” He takes my suitcase and loads it into the trunk.

Keera’s eyes follow him when he departs. “I guess he’s a good one under all that hockey arrogance.”

“So is Griffin,” I say and watch her cringe. I know she hasn’t talked to him since the Halloween party. I was kind of caught by surprise to not see her talk with him. Keera isn’t a rude person, and she did thank Will after he helped us out. It seems as if she’s avoiding Griffin at all costs, and I wonder what that is about.

Talking about the devil, Griffin steps up to us and asks me, “You good to go, Rey?”

“I’m ready,” I tell him and clutch my pack of Reese’s to my chest.

He opens the backseat door for me. Wow. Gallant. I slide in while I see him turning to Keera and saying, “I wish you a happy Thanksgiving. Your family too.”

She furrows her brow. “You can stop that now, I’m not going to sleep with you.”

Will spits out the sip of coffee he was just having, laughing so hard he has to lean on his thighs, bracing himself from prostrating.

“Keera,” I moan. “Griffin is just being polite.”

I’m embarrassed. Griffin is Ben's friend and has never been anything but nice. Everybody knows that. Even on campus where most jocks have a bad reputation or at least one for being a player, no girl talks ill of Griffin. Not the girls he’s going out with, dated briefly, nor those who he just had hooked up with.

“He is,” Ben backs me up. “Talk shit about the rest of us all you want, but none of us would come up with a good guy act to get us laid. Least of all Griffin.”

Keera snots. “Whatever. I don’t need an acted-good guy nor a real one in my life.”

“I don’t think you ever met a good guy, Keera.” She glares at him, but Griffin just cocks a brow, unaffected. I think I see his lip quiver. “I’m not trying to sleep with you, angel. Trust me, if I tried, you’d know.”

“So you’re not interested at all?” Keera asks bored, but it seems fake. I catch the slightly higher tone of her voice and wonder if I’m the only one or if Griffin can see through her act. He hasn’t been imitated by her from the start, and her confidence usually does that to people.

His lip leaps up into that. “I didn’t say that.”

“Yes, you basically were,” she retorts. And when he doesn’t answer she throws her hands up and adds, “Fine, so what were you saying?”

“Only that I make my advances very clear. And if I’d make a move on you for real, you wouldn’t say no.” He gives such an arrogant smirk that I’m truly impressed with her restraint, but still surprised Keera isn’t slapping him across the face.

Keera just huffs out a laugh. “And you think I want your trying?” She emphasizes the latter with air quotes.

Griffin just shakes his head grinning. “I don’t think even you know what you want, angel.”

She looks at him dumbstruck. But she shakes herself out of it quickly and finds her swagger again. “It certainly ain’t you, Sawyer, so spare me your efforts.”

These are her parting words, she doesn’t even tell me goodbye before turning on her heel and strutting away in her new black leather boots.

Griffin doesn’t seem discouraged by that at all. He winks at me cheekily and calls after her. “I guess you just forgot to wish me a happy Thanksgiving too, angel.”

She holds up her middle finger over her shoulder without even turning around. This time Griffin laughs with Will and Ben. He turns to me and says, “Damn, I love your sister.”

And I start to believe she’s strangely affected by him. I do not know what to make of that. No one has ever left a mark on Keera. She was always already over them the minute she’d been with them. Never mourned after any of them, always looking for the next hot thing.

Keera doesn’t like to be chained to anything. She wants to try out everything. She believes that’s the only way to live life without regrets.

I arch my brow at Ben who just shrugs as if to say, don’t even try to understand Griffin. I hold my tongue. Maybe I can ask Ben about it later when we’re alone.

I close the backseat door and shortly after we’re on the road. Ben sits next to me while Griffin drives and Will takes in the passenger seat and plays the DJ.

I’m not brave enough to tell them I’m not a big rap fan. It’s their road trip after all. I just wish I could’ve persuaded Gigi into tagging along with us, but she said she rather die than squeeze into a car with three broad hockey dudes for twenty hours over two days. So she took the plane.

“Hey, Will. Put on something Rey would like too,” Ben says, eying me from the side.

“No. No. It’s alright,” I try to stop Ben, but Will is already turning around, asking, “You don’t like rap?”

“Not so much,” I admit, mulling the question over. “But I do enjoy Post Malone.”

Will nods, “So we found something to compromise on. What is your favorite song of him?”

“Circles.”

“Of course, it is,” the boys chant in unison.

I make a face. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“It’s a love song, that’s all,” Griffin says.

“Okay, so what if I enjoy typical girls’ stuff, there’s nothing wrong with it. I am a girl after all,” I say and fold my arms in front of my body.

Ben puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me to his side. “Ah, that is something I happen to like about you, sweetheart.”

The boys laugh while I just roll my eyes. I poke him in his side with my finger. “Don’t get me started about men and their ridiculous obsession with cars.” I get accusing looks from all three of them. “Oh, come on. Ben drives a crazy expensive SUV. Griffin, your truck is even more flashy. And I don’t wanna know what you drive, Will.”

He turns in his seat to grin at me. “What do you think, babe? I don’t own just one car.”

“Don’t call her that,” Ben growls.

A lazy smile spreads Will’s mouth, making him insanely good-looking. He lowers his eyelids and gives me a hazy, little wink. “Babe.”

Ben darts forward and gives him a whack on the back of the head while Griffin laughs himself hoarse. “Asshats.”

I smile too. Their bickering is amusing as hell. Maybe I’ll enjoy this road trip with them after all. I only tagged along because I wanted more time with Ben, else I would’ve taken the plane with Gigi. But now I truly believe all three of us are going to have a good time.

That is until I suffer under the worst period pain ever. I’m completely caught off-guard since my period should be over by now. I was barely bleeding anymore yesterday. Now it’s worse than PMS, and I have to hold myself back from rolling to the side into a fetal position or at least clamp a hand over my seizing lower belly. But I can’t stop myself from breaking out in a sweat.

“Rey, are you alright?” Will’s brows dart together while he eyes me suspiciously. “You don’t get sick on longer car rides, do you?”

Ben instantly reclines from leaning against Will’s passenger seat and pauses the conversation he and Griffin are having. I shake my head too fast and feel a little dizzy, but I still manage to plaster on a smile. “I’m not going to be sick.”

Waves of pain wash over me, and I’m not so sure I should’ve promised that just now. What if I throw up in Griffin’s super expensive car? I usually don’t ever feel this bad. Keera is usually the one unable to move when she’s on her period. She still never missed practice because of that. That’s how badass she is.

Ben wants to lay a hand over my brow to check my temperature, but I slap it away. “Rey, don’t lie to me. You don’t look so good.”

“Well, thank you,” I hiss at him. I know he’s just concerned and doesn’t deserve me snapping at him, but the pain makes me grumpy. I have to clench my teeth together, so I don’t whimper every time my stomach spasms.

Griffin’s eyes meet mine in the driving mirror. He takes only one good look at me, and his lips flatten into a thin line. “Oh damn. You need me to pull up to the sideline?”

“No,” I groan. My cheeks heat in embarrassment.

“I got painkillers somewhere in the trunk, I’ll go look for them,” Griffin offers.

“No, no, that’s not necessary.” I blushed to the point I must look like a tomato.

Griffin doesn’t listen to any of my objections. He drives to the sideline, gets out of the car, and starts to rummage around in the trunk.

Ben leans into my side and whispers, “Rey, what’s going on?”

I feel Will’s eyes on us and blush harder. I shake my head, “It’s nothing. Just a little tummy ache. Nothing too bad.”

Ben arches a brow, unconvinced. Will groans and speaks forth, “Please tell me you don’t have the stomach flu. Because then we’re all fucked. A nice Thanksgiving it will be for all of us indeed.”

Ben gives him a hard look to shut him up while Griffin opens the door on my side, rolling his eyes at his ignorant friends. “She doesn’t have the stomach flu, you dumbasses. She’s on her period. And cramps usually aren’t contagious.”

Will shrugs. “What do I know? I never had a girlfriend.”

Ben’s face relaxes a bit. “What can I do?”

Griffin loosens my seatbelt and says, “Spread out over Ben’s legs.”

“Griffin, that’s not necessary, I’m fine.” I try to tell him it’s fine, but he just glances stubbornly at me until I lay down, head buried in Ben’s lap.

“Don’t argue with him when he’s in his mother hen mode,” Will advises while Griffin drapes a blanket over me and gives Ben a pack of painkillers so he can store it at his side in case I need them.

“Thank you,” I say, cheeks on fire.

“No problem, just promise you’re letting us know if you need anything. Pull up on the next gas station if you need to… you know. Or want anything to eat.”

I bury my face in my head and groan, “That’s so embarrassing.”

“No, it’s natural, Rey, no need to be ashamed. We all have women in our lives and aren’t uncomfortable by this” Griffin argues, then catches a glimpse at Will’s and Ben’s forced straight faces and sighs, “Or at least we shouldn’t be.” He closes the door to my feet and gets back in the driver’s seat.

We leave a few miles behind us before Ben loses it. “Take the painkillers already, Rey.”

“I’m fine.”

“I can feel you flinch in pain every few seconds.”

I shake my head. “I don’t want any.”

“Stop being so stubborn.”

Will turns to us, scratching the stubble at his jaw. “Leave her alone already, Ben. We aren’t taking any meds when we’re bruised as hell after games either.”

“You can’t compare that,” Ben objects strongly. “She’s in pain the whole time.” He gives me a pleading look. “What can I do?”

I get watery eyes. He’s being so sweet. “Can we listen to my music? And can you play with my hair?”

Will sighs loudly while Griffin and Ben say in unison, “Yes.”

They give Will hard looks until he asks me, “What do you want to listen to, Rey?”

I open my eyes again, enjoying Ben’s strokes of my head and massage on my neck. I blush. “Keera has a playlist on Spotify for this time of the month. Her name is PeachesandRoses. You find the playlist under Hollywood’s Bleeding. And don’t you start with the period joke.”

Will laughs, “You have period playlists for that?”

“Stop laughing,” I accuse. “The idea wasn’t ours. The first playlist idea came from our brother.”

“Dean making a period playlist? If I don’t bring that up on the next game, I don’t know what,” Will laughs, and much to my chagrin Ben joins him too. Only Griffin doesn’t. I guess it doesn’t seem weird to a guy who readily brings tampons and sweets to his cramping sister.

“He said we were insufferable, and he couldn’t take our whining anymore. He did it to shut us up,” I say to shut them up.

“There is a lot of Lana Del Rey in this playlist.” Will sighs like he just got terrible news.

“We love her, okay. Especially Keera. She cried when we didn’t get tickets for her concert last year.”

Will snorts again but is silenced by my glowering look.

“Were both your cramps always this bad?” Griffin asks from the driver's seat.

I sigh. “They used to be with me, but it’s gotten better over time. Not for Keera. She gets quite emotional.”

“K emotional? I’d pay a lot of money to see that,” Ben huffs.

Now it’s him I glower at. “You need to stop mocking my sister. There’s a reason she doesn’t get involved with hockey players and turned you down, but she accepted you on my behalf and even defended you in front of my brother. Just when we were about to drive, she said and I quote I guess he’s one of the good ones under all that hockey arrogance.”

Ben looks ashamed. “I’m sorry. I guess I’m still upset about all the things she said to you on Halloween, but I do know K isn’t a bitch... most of the time. Well, not to you.”

I laugh, then clench a hand over my stomach while Ben’s hand freezes in my hair. His expression grows pained. “Rey, what can I do?” he repeats.

“Lay your hand on her stomach,” Griffin tells him. “The body heat will do. My dad used to do it...” His voice thickens. “My mum said it’s better than a hotty.”

I give Ben a confused look, but he just shakes his head to tell me not to ask. And I don’t. I wouldn’t want to push Griffin after he’s always that thoughtful.

When Ben’s hand moves under my blanket, I slap it away. “Nuh-uh. You’re not touching my tummy roll.”

He groans, “Are you for real, I touched your stomach before.”

“Not when I was lying in the fetal position. It’s unflattering and presses my fat together.”

Will chokes on a laugh in the back of the car. “There aren’t curves on a woman men don’t find enticing, I can tell you that in all honesty, Rey.”

“Yes, there are,” I object. “Somehow it’s okay to have a big butt, breast, and some hip, but as soon as you got a tummy, you are fat.”

The boys moan in unison. “Women.”

Before I can stop it, Ben slides his hand lower and his big paw covers my arching underbelly, the warmth of his instantly calms the pain a bit, so I decide to leave it at that. There is something seriously comforting about his touch, about our bodies skin to skin. I’m definitely asking him to cuddle me completely naked tonight.

My eyes slowly drift shut. It’s only then I realize how tense I was and how much the pain had eaten away all my energy.

“Ben...” I mumble half asleep. “This... helps.”

Ben: 

We just passed the border to Utah when Rey wakes up again. She moves in my lap, stretches, and rubs her eyes. She looks undeniably cute doing so, like a sleepy kitty. She yawns and blinks up to me.

“Do you feel better?” I ask while she slowly into a different position.

I feel completely tensed up too. Having Rey sleep in my lap has given me barely room to move, and I have to piss hard. Will and Griffin went about two hours ago at a gas station, but I didn’t want to wake her up just so that I could go. At least they brought me a burger from the restaurant inside.

“So much better.” She jawns again. “Where are we right now?”

“Almost there. I think an hour now. Hey, Griff can you stop at the next gas station, gotta hit the head.”

“Just pull up to the sideline,” Will suggests, and I growl at him. There’s no way I’m pissing in front of Rey or near her.

Fortunately, soon enough a gas station comes in sight, and Griff pulls up. After I emerge from the bathroom, I stroll through the aisles and load a bag of chips, Reese’s, and some cereal bars as well with some chocolate ones on my arms, then make my way to the counter. On the way, I grab a few cans of cherry cola.

Rey’s eyes widen when I let my gain fall in her lap. I shrug. “You must be hungry.”

She grins, “Thank you, this time of the month I could eat all day long.” She instantly rips open the bag of chips and starts diving into it.

“Don’t ruin your appetite,” Griffin warns her, “We’re almost there, and Will is already looking up restaurants in Salt Lake.”

“Yes, Mum,” I call, rolling my eyes and giving Rey a wink out of the corner of my eyes. She grins with a full mouth and almost a whole squished Reese’s cup gushes out. I snort out a laugh, holding my stomach because my muscles tense up.

When I see her red face, I put an arm around her, and pull her to my side. I’ve been doing this a lot lately, but I can’t help it. Or fight the feeling of wanting her this close. “Jeez, I don’t think I ever met a girl that cracks me up the way you do.”

Rey glares at me seriously mad. “Well, thank you very much,” she etches. “Girls just love to be the funny one.”

A wide grin stretches my mouth. “Then it’s a good thing you’re also the hot one.”

“You’re just saying that now,” she says sulkily.

“No, it’s true.” I lean closer to whisper in her ear. “I also don’t think I ever met a girl that gets me as hard as you do.” Satisfied I see heat creep up her neck and stain her cheeks a pretty rose.

Will moans extra loud. “You guys do know we can hear you?”

“Then don’t listen,” I tell him pleased.

“Believe me, I try not to.”

Griffin laughs. “Get over yourself, Will, your dirty talk is way worse.”

“How do you know?” comes my quick response.

“Yeah, how do you know?” Will wants to know as well.

Griff sighs, “I don’t like to recall the memory. But remember that time when we had a movie night and told me to never check your phone? Well, of course, that got me curious as fuck who you were texting all night, so when you went to get new snacks, I checked.” He groans. “Couldn’t sleep for the whole next week.”

Will chuckles. “Serves you just right.”

“Why? What did you read? And where was I?”

“I don’t remember, probably some chick.” Will shrugs, unaware of how his comment affects Rey, who tenses at my side. But it’s my own fault for asking such a stupid question. I should’ve known. I could kick my ass for it.

Griff hems, “I’m just gonna say so much, there were ropes and food involved that should never have a place in the bedroom or be eaten out of certain regions.”

“You’re into bondage?” I ask Will in unison with Rey’s, “What kind of food?”

“Are you the one being tied up or was she? I haven’t dared ask til this day,” Griffin admits and makes us laugh.

“Where were you supposed to eat the food out of?”

“Her pussy.” Will laughs, not embarrassed in the slightest. “But I can reassure you, it was mostly whipped cream. I didn’t agree with her other ideas.”

“What were her other ideas?” I immediately ask.

Will turns around, eyes switching between Rey and me. “Can’t tell you now, not when you want poor Rey to ever enjoy her treats again.”

Rey instantly shakes her head. “Don’t tell me.”

“But what about my question,” Griffin accuses. “Are you into rope play now or not?”

Will shrugs, “Can spice things up a little, but I don’t need it.”

“So you did enjoy it?”

Will snots. “Of course, I enjoy sex no matter what. If you don’t, you're doing something wrong.”

“So were you the one tied up nor or...”

Will groans. “First, she wanted to be tied up, later she wanted to tie me up. I wasn’t into it, but she insisted I don’t know before I tried, so I tried...”

G and I break out into messy laughter. Rey elbows me into my side and shushes me. “Shut up, he’s being open to you about his experiences and you guys are making fun of him.”

Will half-smiles at her, but he isn’t quite serious when he drawls, “Thanks, honey, I appreciate it.”

Griff relents, “Okay, you’re right, we’re sorry Will.” Then his smirk widens. “So how was it?”

Will instantly shakes his head. “I already told you I knew I wasn’t going to be into it, and I wasn’t. I like to be able to use my hands, also being a submissive is not for me.”

“Why would you be submissive then?” I ask frowning. “You don’t mind a girl on top either.”

“A girl on top doesn’t make me feel unmanly, that’s the difference. A big one.”

I wink at Rey before looking at G, chuckling. “Can someone say fragile masculinity?”

Will rolls his eyes. “Let Rey tie you up and then tell me it doesn’t make you feel submissive.”

Rey laughs. “How did we end up having this discussion?”

Will grins at her his widest one, telling me he’s up to no good. “You’re right. Rey, why don’t you feed us some of your stories?”

“Fuck off,” I growl.

Will and G laugh. “Who’s masculinity is fragile now? Can’t even hear about her other guys without you getting completely upset.”

Upset? No. Jealous? Abso-fucking-lutely. I don’t care about the other guys Rey was with. That was before me. And I don’t delude myself she probably enjoyed her time with them. I don’t mind that. Really.

I just can’t hear about it. Because if I do, I will visualize it, and then I will have to fight the urge to find those dudes and rip them apart as if they were still a competition. I want Rey to myself.

Rey squeezes my underarm. “They just try to bait you.”

“I know,” I sigh. They’re my friends after all. And that is how I know that they can be a real pain in the ass sometimes. Luckily enough, Griffin is already leaving the highway and the motel isn’t far away either. All I want right now is to crawl into bed with Rey and cuddle up like two weekends ago.

Chapter Text

“What’s your favorite movie, Rey?” Griffin asks. He’s been asking questions for the last half hour, rather salient. I’m aware he’s trying to take my mind off the fact that in less than an hour I’m going to meet Ben’s family.

Honestly, I don’t know how I pushed the thought away for so long. What if they don’t like me. I haven’t even considered that. But right now, I have to. I’ll meet them sooner than later and find I’m utterly unprepared. And that even though we’ve been on the road for more than seven hours because we got into a huge traffic jam.

Will whined the whole time about it. First, he was tired and couldn’t sleep in the car, neither could he sleep the night before because Griffin snores and that kept him up all night. Then he had to pee, and when he couldn’t hold it any longer he seriously stood on the sideline of the highway and did it right there the way he suggested it to Ben yesterday. And finally, he was hungry, and we couldn’t pull up to a gas station because the next one was still too far away and we were stuck in the middle of cars slowly rolling ahead.

“It’s how to lose a guy in ten days. Mine and my sister’s. We used to watch it all the time,” I admit my guilty pleasure.

“Really? What’s so good about it?” Ben asks me. “I’ve never seen it.”

“It’s funny as hell,” Griffin answers although the question was directed at me.

“Of course, you saw it. I bet you saw a bunch of chick flicks,” Will moans.

“No shame in it. There are some good movies,” Griffin retorts completely serious, and just shrugs.

“Like?” I bait him.

“Legally blond, Ten things I hate about you, the devil wears Prada, Bridget Jones, Easy A, and Pitch Perfect. I could go on and on about it.” Griffin shrugs. “I like funny movies and these movies are truly funny. The jokes don’t just consist of bad innuendos.”

I have to agree with him, man comedies are the worst. Dean could name only one that was truly funny we could both agree on. I love you, Man. That is literally the only one.

“I just realized that I chose the wrong hockey player,” I tell Griffin, shaking my head.

Will mocks Ben with a laugh, and Griffin throws me a little wink over the driving mirror while Ben glares at me. I only give him my widest smirk.

“I brought you treats, sweetheart, and you go ahead and tell me I’m not the right one for you? Cruel thing.” Ben shakes his head in fake disappointment.

I catch his chin and pull him down to me, giving him a deep kiss. At once, he parts my lips with his and slips his tongue in my mouth, kissing me dizzy as if to remind me how right I choose with him. 

“Could you wait with the make-out session until you’re home? I have no emergency bucket with me in case of sudden puking,” Will delivers with the dry humor I came to appreciate.

I giggle, “Sorry.”

Griffin chuckles. “So what else do you and your sister like or do together?”

I think about it. “Eat.” The boys laugh. “I’m serious, Keera’s got a serious talent for finding the insider spots. She also gets us concert tickets way cheaper.”

“Who did you guys see?”

“Well, this summer Josh gave us five seconds of summer tickets for our birthday, we’ve been dying to see them. Then we saw Mabel, Ava Max, Ariana Grande, and Dua Lipa,” I reply, but I begin to wonder why Griffin asked the question like that. He intentionally included my sister. “What about you three? Are you concert-goers?”

Will snorts, “We couldn’t possibly agree on a band.” He points to Griffin. “This one would probably try to drag us to Shawn Mendes.”

Griffin answers in a monotone voice. “What’s wrong with Shawn now?”

“Nothing,” Ben and Will answer in unison as though they are just too tired to get into it with Griffin. They are probably evading a lecture by a whisker.

“I would see…” Will barely gets to start.

“Some rock band we can’t stand,” Ben finishes.

It dawns on me then that I got no idea what Ben likes. “What do you listen to?”

He winks. “I’ll show you sometime.”

“Run, Rey,” Will advises me.

“What, why?”

“He’s making you listen to Bring me the Horizon and worse.”

My eyes widen at him. “You’re a metalhead?”

Ben grins and kisses my cheeks. “Sometimes. Why are you so surprised about it.”

“I don’t know.” My cheeks redden. I point to him up and down. “Because you look like that.”

“Like what?” he teases me.

“Hot? Don’t metalheads usually keep their hair long, so they can headbang all the time and exclusively wear band shirts, black pants, and studded accessories.”

He laughs. “Bigoted much?”

I arch an eyebrow. “Says the man who accused me of trying to distract him as soon as he found out my brother plays hockey too.”

“She got you there,” Will laughs.

My laugh fades when Griffin takes the exit and we’re leaving the highway. Not long after he pulls up a driveway that leads through a neighborhood with crazy huge houses. My mouth drops open when I see the great mansions or rather the gates lining the roads and leading up long driveways to pompous estates.

“Welcome home,” Ben says, but his smile seems forced. I remember him telling me that he didn’t grow up like this, and I can’t fathom what it must have been like to move from a small two-person row house into a home like this.

I take his hand and pull it in my lap to encircle it with my other one. The corner of his mouth flips up, and he gives me a light squeeze right back. 

Griffin stops at a gate, pulls down his window, and rings a bell. A voice greets him out of the gate-installed speakers before the gates open up, and Griffin drives us up the driveway. I don’t delude myself that he talked to anyone of Ben’s family but one of their employees.

Griffin stops in front of the huge wooden front door with old-looking iron door handles. The cut stones are dark brown and piles line the windows. It gives the house a cozy look, kinda like a lodge mansion, only with modern vibes.

Ben quickly pats Griffin and Will on the back, then jumps out of the car to unload our stuff. I’m still sitting here, unsure of what to do. Griffin eyes me from the front seat. “You okay, Rey?”

I nod, but Will turns around and looks me over. “It can be much at first, but I didn’t think you’d have a problem. Ben said your dad owns a sports agency.”

I nod again. “We are wealthy, not loaded.” I stare up at the house again. “Or filthy rich.”

“Nah, Ben’s stepdad ain’t filthy rich, but Will’s is,” Griffin jokes, elbowing his best friend in the side.

Will gives me a crooked grin. “It’s true, I am. Wait till you see my house.”

“House,” I repeat sardonically with air quotes.

The boys wink at me while I finally find the courage to get out of the car. I realize that the front door has opened and that a middle-aged woman and man has stepped on the front porch. They both look so perfectly tarted up that I wish I’d put one something else then joggers for the drive, even if it would’ve killed me.

Ben waves at Will and Griffin in parting, who shortly greet his family back before driving away. He takes our suitcases, his small and my big one and carries them up to the door.

“Leave them, boy, I tell Jacob to get them later and bring them to your rooms,” his stepdad says in greeting.

“Nothing I can’t do myself, Doug. It’s nice to see you,” he adds when his face falls, then turns to his mother. “Hey, mum.”

“Ben,” she calls out, eyes almost watery. She flings her arms around Ben’s broad shoulder and pulls him to her as if he was still a toddler. I can’t help but smile. “My boy. Finally home again.”

Ben lets her hug him for a moment, then awkwardly pulls away and reaches out to me. He takes my hand and pulls me up from behind him. “Mum, Doug, that’s-”

“Rey!” his mother calls out and pulls me to her for the same warm hug. “I’m so glad your parents let you spend Thanksgiving with us. We’re thrilled to have you.”

“I imagine you had to persuade them, bunking on a holiday, but we’re very happy you could make it,” Doug says with a charming smile.

“Ah, well, Ben charmed them, so there wasn’t much persuasion needed. They love him,” I tell them awkwardly. “And I’m very grateful for the invitation Mr and Mrs-” I stop. Shit. Ben did not once tell me his mother’s new name. No way in hell she’s still called Solo. Heat creeps up my neck.

They exchange a surprised look. His mother turns to Ben and asks, smoothly going over my dilemma, “You already met her parents?”

“Yes,” is all Ben says to that.

“They were in town,” I add.

“Well, that sounds pretty serious to me,” Doug says smugly, then turns to me. “And I imagine Ben missed out on telling you his mother’s new name. It’s Calton. But you can call me Doug and...”

“Call me Leia,” his mother finishes.

“Thank you, Doug, Leia,” I say, cheeks still red.

“Well, we should get inside. We waited for you with dinner. I would have invited Griffin and Ben, but I imagine their parents are dying to see them, too,” his mum small talks while she leads us inside.

The furnishing is pretty much as I imagined when I saw the house from outside, a lot of old wood, a cozy look, a little bit less modern then it seems from the look of the mansion.

“Griffin’s mum is, but Will’s aren’t even in town, so he’s spending Thanksgiving at Griffin’s like always,” Ben answers. I don’t miss how tense he is. It’s probably something he told them about a hundred times already. I take his hand and keep close after he leaves our suitcases in the hall. It’s more for me than him, but it seems to calm him too.

“Oh, maybe we should all celebrate Thanksgiving together next year.”

Doug shakes his head. “We talked about this, Leia, we already celebrate Christmas together each year. Another Holiday would be too much.”

When we enter the dining room an impatiently waiting girl and boy jump up from their chairs and rush to the door to tackle Ben. “Ben. Ben. Ben.”

I laugh with glee and clamp a hand in front of my mouth. This is so cute. Ben lifts the small girl and puts her on his hip like a proud mum while she hugs him from the side and cuddles her puffy cheeks to his broad chest.

Oh. My. God. Overies explosion. This ain’t fair.

“It’s cute, isn’t it?” Leia says and winks at me secretly. She holds up a phone and snaps pictures of them.

My cheeks redden further. I am embarrassed that she can see right through me.

She shrugs. “We love a man who’s good with children. It’s in our DNA, can’t help it. And if you and Ben are serious and maybe want children later someday, you—”

My eyes widen. I can’t believe she already talking children. Fortunately, we get interrupted by an impatient stepbrother jumping up and down at Ben’s knee. “Guess what, Ben. Guess what?” But before Ben can guess, he blurts out, face red. “I made it to the middle grader’s hockey team.”

“No way. Congrats, buddy,” Ben calls out and ruffles his hair.

“He wouldn’t have made it without you,” Doug says gratefully. “He didn’t even know how to skate before you. All that time you spend at the rink with him to make up the lost time. That was great of you.”

Ben just nods at him, then winks at his stepbrother. “But don’t get crazy for the ladies now that you’re a jock.”

The little boy shakes his head vigorously. “I do it just like you taught me. Keep the head in the game. No time for distraction.” Then he holds when he sees me. His head shifts to the side, giving him a strong resemblance with a puppy while he eyes me. Cute. “Who is her?”

Just then two girls are coming in, giggling intensely. That must be Ben’s stepsisters. The younger one sees Ben and makes a run for him. While Ben quickly stets his baby sis back down, she crashes into him and wraps her arms around his waist, laughing. “You give the best hugs.”

“You do, Sara, I learned from the best.” He laughs too.

“Can you beat up that girl I’m having trouble with?”

“SARA!”

“Why do you have trouble with her?” Ben asks.

“Because she’s a bitch.”

“SARA!”

“It’s true, mum!”

While they bicker, Ben holds out his hand to his other stepsis and she steps up to him, face a bright red when she hugs him too. And oh no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because I know that look she’s giving him. All. Too. Well. Oh. God. NO. They’re not related, but ew. Still. Super. Ew.

Ben is completely unaware of her feelings when he squeezes her a bit harder, then let's go and ruffles her hair as he did with his stepbrother. She slaps his hand away, moaning, “Ben! I’m not a little girl anymore.”

“Sorry,” he says, but judging by the grin he’s giving her he doesn’t mean it.

She sighs and goes to sit at the table. Ben takes my hand and pulls me to the other side, so I can sit next to him. I don’t miss the glare his older stepsister is giving me.

“Who is she now?” his brother asks curiously.

“Luc, don’t be rude,” Leia rebukes him. “That’s Rey, we told you Ben was bringing his girlfriend.”

“Hey Luc, I’m Rey, it’s nice to meet you,” I say and hold out my hand.

“You’re pretty,” he answers so sweetly it makes me blush. He shakes it politely but gives Ben a betrayed look. “You told me no distractions.”

Ben laughs and puts his arm around my shoulder, pulling me to him. “You get it when you’re older.”

Luc frowns but doesn’t say anything. That’s when the food is brought in by servants. Servants. God damn. This family must be much richer than Ben let on. His baby sister squeaks and gives me her widest grin. She stretches every word when she asks, “Are you in love?”

“Anni-” Ben starts, putting the fork to the side, but she gives him a stubborn look. “I didn’t ask you. Mummy says man know nothing about love.”

I giggle and get a glare from Ben in return. I whisper, “She’s kinda right about that though, Mr. No-commitment.”

I thought nobody would hear but obviously, I was wrong. His mother arches a brow at us. “What is that supposed to mean? I thought you brought her because you wanted your girlfriend to meet the family.”

Ben sighs. “I never said she was my girlfriend.”

Doug groans, “Please tell me it’s not some no strings attached new age thing.”

Ben gives me a look that says you got us into this mess, now you can explain. I answer with but it’s your family. He stays stubborn.

Not knowing what I’m going to say I just start, “We are dating. Not officially together yet, but exclusively.”

That’s pretty much the same thing my parents think, so I find it best to adjust the lies.

Leia darts her dark brows together in the exact same way Ben always does. “Where is the difference? Being exclusively or officially together. When we were young, we didn’t have all these terms. You were either together or you were not.”

Doug nods with a big bite of steak in his mouth to signal his agreement with his wife. I give Ben a pleading look because I don’t feel like explaining this.

He has mercy with me and answers, “Well, officially together means being publicly known to be in a relationship and dating is the stage before that. Being exclusively is pretty much the stage in between. The relationship isn’t official, but...” He looks at me. “We’re monogamous.”

His mother chokes on a piece of meat and has to cough it back out. She buries it in her napkin and gives Ben a shocked look. Doug mirrors her position. Sarcastically he says, “Wouldn’t it be just great if you’d bring a girl here when you weren’t even that? Monogamous? And having some more wait for you back at Arcryn.”

“I just told you we are,” Ben snaps, taking my hand. “Rey and I are together. We just don’t want to rush a commitment.”

“We’re the difference? You say you’re already monogamous?” Doug assures again. Ben nods. “That’s already a commitment the way I see it.”

I agree with him, but I can’t say that now. Especially when Ben is shaking his head. “No, we’re still at the dating phase, so either one could break it off without an explanation?”

Doug goes on, “Do you think this will spice things up, keep it more interesting? Or do you just hope it keeps the feelings at bay, boy?”

“Don’t call me that,” Ben growls.

“We don’t choose who we fall for, Ben,” Dough says, speaking his name with emphasis, though I’m not sure it’s a peace offer. “You can’t decide who to love.”

“You must know,” his oldest stepsister snaps at her dad.

“Leila,” Ben’s mother calls out indignant.

“Mum, what’s going on?” Anni cries out. “Why is everybody so upset? Did I start this with my question?”

Leia wants to get out of her chair and rush to her side, but Ben already lifted her off her chair and into his lap. “Nah, baby. Everything’s fine.”

Everyone silently finishes his dinner while Ben comforts his sister before putting her back in her chair and going back to his own dinner. Leia’s giving Doug significant looks until he hems and says to Ben, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get involved in your relationship.”

“Thank you,” Ben answers and lays his napkin down. “It’s been a long drive for Rey and me. We’re heading to bed.”

I stand up with him, interlacing fingers. “Thank you for the dinner, it was delicious.”

“We had the maid prepare the guest room on the left-wing for her,” Doug starts but Ben cuts him off. “No problems. We’re sharing a room.”

Then he pulls me at my hand out of the room.

Chapter Text

Ben comes back into the room, wearing only sweatpants after his shower. Water drips from his hair over his ripped chest and wets the waistband of his joggers. My mouth drops open. Oh my... He looks glorious. And the way he looks at me, with such mischief in his eyes, I’m sure he knows. While I came back here after my shower wearing fleece shorts and a tank top, he’s putting on a show. I’m very happy now he let me go first because I don’t feel like leaving the bed ever again.

Ben jumps on the bed and rolls over me. But he doesn’t kiss me. He shakes his hair like a wet dog, making droplets fly all over us. I shriek and try to move away, but he wraps a hand around my hand to keep me in place under him, dragging his wet hair over my chest. His nose glides down the thin fabric over my breast and my nipple puckers instantly. I shiver.

When he lifts his face to look at me, I bite my lip. “Cold.”

The side of his mouth quirks up into an insufferable crooked grin. “You sure that’s all, sweetheart?”

I let my hand travel down his sculptured torso. I bite down on my lip and mumble, “You’re not playing fair.”

His eyes stay on my flushed cheeks. I’m sure he can see how turned on I am. His gaze travels to my lips and his breath hitches. His voice sounds a pitch deeper when he murmurs, “I want you so bad, Rey.”

I gulp. My mouth feels suddenly very dry. We have waited so long for this, drawn it out, tested out our patience to the point of torture. Is this happening just now? I really want it to. I almost caved at the night of the motel, but although my period was pretty much over I was still spotting, and I wanted our first time to be absolutely perfect.

“Let’s not wait any longer,” I beg.

That’s all the reinsurance Ben needs. His lips press down on mine and our mouths taste, open, tongues play. We take a long time just doing that, and it feels so utterly amazing to kiss him. I could do this forever and never stop, not even for air. Nobody kisses like Ben. And I’ve never felt like this, my skin prickling, heart pounding, head swimming.

Then his mouth moves over my jaw down to my neck. Need washes over me, but Ben is in no hurry. He spends so much time nibbling and teasing my skin that anticipation turns into impatience. My body feels as taut as the strings of a brow.

Ben’s hands move over my thighs. He plays with the soft fleece of my shorts, then tugs the seam of my top out of them and slowly slides it up. His rough hands scratch over my skin, fingers only stopping to skim over my nipples, inciting a pulsing sensation deep in my core.

When I moan, he pulls his lips from my neckline and lifts his head to watch me while he plays with me. I squirm. His thump moves so skillfully over my nipples that his touches send bolts of ecstasy straight through my core. I start to squirm under him.

“Ben put your mouth on me,” I pent and luckily, he obeys.

His lips meet my aching nipples, and he sucks the first one in the hot wetness of his mouth, tongue licking and teasing, and then the other one. Until I have to scissor my legs under him, desperately trying to soothe the ache there. Ben turns his face to me, mouth twitching before letting go of my nipple with a wet sound. He’s looking way too self-satisfied with himself.

“No more foreplay,” I pant.

The corners of his mouth jerk up higher. “Rey, we aren’t even at foreplay, we’re only on second base.”

“I don’t care. No more!” I slide my hand over his chest and in his sweatpants to fist his thick size in my hand. He hisses out surprised, but finally goes into action, tugging my shorts right down with my panties. I mirror him, pulling at his pants until he takes them off with his boxers too.

Ben spreads my legs with his knees and looks down at me with a crazed look in his eyes. God, I love turning him on even more than being turned on by him. The fact his gaze is fixed between the juncture of my thighs to where I’m glistering wet tells me he feels the same about me.

He licks his lips and groans, “Rey, fuck, I don’t think I can last very long.”

I squirm under him. “That’s okay, I’m gonna come as soon as you’re inside of me.”

He groans louder. “Damn Rey, I love that you talk to me like that. No shame. The sweetest girl with the dirtiest mouth. I’m such a lucky bastard.”

This is the first time he’s not making me blush. I find myself so comfortable in his presence that it scares me. After we put up at the motel, he held me all night, hand on my stomach to make the pain endurable. And I found myself not caring at all about my imperfections.

I show him just how little shame I’ve got when I’m with him and spread my legs even wider. “You’re gonna just stand there and stare or you finally gonna fuck me, Ben Solo?”

He groans and leans over me, hand rummaging in the suitcase on the ground. Before he lifts himself again, he kisses my stomach down and tastes my pussy until I pant his name in desperation, which doesn’t take long, it’s a quick affair. Then straightens to rip open the condom in his hand. I never thought that part before sex particularly hot, but watching as Ben rolls down the condom on the full length of him is surprisingly sexy.

I spread my legs wider, moaning, “Give it to me.”

Ben groans, finally leaning down to cover my body with his. He slides in with one slow thrust, then stills. We both moan in unison, but he keeps still to give me a moment to accustom to his size, but really, I don’t need it, I’m this wet.

“Ben!” I urge him on. He assents with a grunt before giving me more. More thrusts, but measured. He’s holding himself back, not wanting to go too fast too soon. Maybe he does fear coming too soon. I wouldn’t mind that, I can barely hold myself back either, and I know he’s going to get me off anyway. Although I would prefer to come from his cock…

I start moving my hips with him, first applying to his tempo, then fastening it, urging him to give me more. He moans my name in a way that lets me know he’s barely able to show restraint anymore. And finally, he starts rocking his hips in a way that makes his pubic bone hit my clit with each stroke. I dig my nails into his back, arching into him as he gives me deep, hard thrusts.

My sight turns into a blurry mess as pleasure shoots through my body hard. It’s one to a million in seconds, and I can’t… I can’t… can’t…

“Ohh...” I hiss out, suddenly so close, I didn’t even feel the foretelling of an orgasm. “Ben, you’re making me come.”

And I am. So hard. My head spins, taking away my sight fully. All I’m aware of is the throbbing deep in my core, the explosive orgasm that’s tightening around Ben’s shaft. He straightens, caught up in his orgasm when my climax gets him there too.

“Coming,” he chokes out, every muscle in his body tense while he loses all of his rhythm, slamming his body into mine savagely until our orgasms abate.

He doesn’t collapse against me. His big bicep holds him up, so he doesn’t crush me, but his chest heaves vehemently against mine while he tries to catch his breath. He rolls to his back and pulls me with him. I cuddle into his side. We’re both exhausted and sweaty, but I don’t mind.

“Oh,” Ben grunts. “Wow. I did not expect this. I should’ve known it’s gonna be better with you.”

Liar. I know he is. I was the bottom, there was not much I could’ve done to convince him of my skills. He had most of the work. And oh my god, wasn’t he amazing. OMG. I can’t begin to think of a feeling that compares to being intimate with Ben Solo.

Before I can stop them, I blurt out, “I really like you.”

Oh. God. I can’t believe I just admitted that. Or not. Because it was still a half-lie. I’m pretty sure I already know how I feel. And I think I’ve known it for a while.

I promised myself I wasn’t going to fall for Ben Solo and yet here I am, having fallen harder than ever before. Even when I promised myself that I wouldn’t I was already half in love with him. But there is no way I can tell him that. Especially not after sex.

But not later either because I know exactly how Ben would react. And confessing my feelings for him would be the fastest way to drive him away. There’s no place for me in his life. He’s never made that a secret. He never lied to me about that, never deluded me. But I still wished that hockey wouldn’t be all. That maybe he’d find a tiny little spot for me somewhere in his life. I wouldn’t need much.

Ben studies my face urgently. “Why is that a bad thing?”

I meet his eyes. He doesn’t look appalled by my emotional outburst, and all I can conclude from that is that he has no idea how much I like him. So I lie, “It’s not. I just wanted you to know that. And that I want us to stay friends. Promise me we’ll stay friends when this is over.”

He furrows his brow. “We aren’t over.”

“But someday…” His face stays unreadable. “Flings fizzle out.”

“We’re not a fling, Rey.”

“Then what are we?” I can’t help but ask.

He looks overextended. Shrugging, he only starts to stutter, “Rey, I wish I could give you more. You deserve more. But I neither have the time nor the head for this right now.”

I nod.

“I understand,” I say even when I don’t.

Someone knocks at the door, and I jerk. I quickly grab the blanket to cover up as Ben stands. He eases into his joggers and goes to open the door just a crack.

“Ben?” It’s Doug’s voice. “I understand that… uhm, a newly started relationships drive all the hormones wild, but your sisters don’t need to hear all that.”

“We’ll try to keep it down from now on,” Ben answers, crossing his arms. He doesn’t look a bit apologetic. “Something else?”

“No, have a good night. Both of you. Your mum is happy that you’re here.”

“We’re happy to be here too.” He closes the door and lets out the sigh he’s been holding. Turning to me he says, “I’m sorry, sweetheart, that must’ve been awkward for you.”

Surprisingly, I don’t feel ashamed at all. His family knows our dynamic. And anyone else who takes a good look at Ben knows there’s no way in hell any girl would stay celibate with him.

I push the blanket under my chin and shrug. “Nah, we wanted the whole teenager experience and now, we can truly say that we got it. First-time sex in your childhood room and all.”

He chuckles. “I guess so.”

“I just feel sorry for your siblings. Are they on this floor?”

“Only Sara and Leila, but they are old enough to figure it out.” I wince, and he eyes me suspiciously. “What?” I try to appear casual, but he sees right through me. “That look! What’s that about?”

“Nothing.”

“Rey,” he stretches my name while he walks back to the bed.

I sigh. Maybe he should know. Maybe he can take better care of her feelings if he knows. “Have you ever realized… Do you know that Leila is crushing on you?”

He instantly pauses midstep, brows darting together. This is the first time he looks pissed at me. And I can’t say I like it, especially after the day he’s had. I shouldn’t have said anything. I know his family is a sore topic.

He laughs bitterly. “Don’t be ridiculous, Rey.”

“I’m not.” I try to explain but he cuts me off.

“Yes, you are.”

For a moment I wonder if I should just drop it, let him believe whatever he wants, but just because he’s in a weird emotional state doesn’t mean he gets to make me feel ridiculous or gaslight me when I know I’m right.

Stand up for yourself. The voice in my head sounds awfully lot like Keira, and although I know it’s never a good idea to channel her, especially in a moment like this, I can’t help it. Because Ben is being mean, and we just had sex, and I’m in love with him, and I know that deep down he knows it too, but we’ll never go anywhere, and suddenly I feel incredibly naive and all my emotions are boiling over.

“She’s into you,” I say with a firmness that surprises Ben. “I can tell because I know what it’s like. You’re just blind to it because you don’t want to acknowledge her feelings for you. That is something I do know, too.”

He’s frustrated now. Like really frustrated. His voice keeps rising with every word he speaks, landing like a blow. “No, you’re just being paranoid and jealous without cause. Only because I’m not making us official. Stop pressuring me.”

And there’s my answer. The truth I didn’t want to see.

I stare at him for a moment, not able to move or say anything. He never snapped at me like that before. I blink a few times fast. “Okay.”

Quickly, I roll to my other side, turning my back on him. I bury my head in the cushions, so he can’t see my face.

The mattress dips when he lays down right behind me, and I hear him sigh closer to me than expected. He shifts even closer, lightly touching my arm. “Rey… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

“Yes, you did.” I gulp. “I knew you’d freak out the second I said that I like you.”

“That’s not what this is about.” He sounds frustrated again.

“Then what is?”

He doesn’t answer. Then he claps and all lights in the room go out. A moment later I already think he’s asleep, but then he cuddles into my back. I feel his breath on my cheek, and it’s distracting. I’m not going to find sleep anytime soon that’s for sure. Not after our fight. But I’m not going to apologize either. He was being unfair.

Ben sighs. “I know you’re right, okay?” He sighs again, deeper this time. “I would’ve to be completely blind not to see where Leila’s mind wanders whenever I’m being around her. She’s sixteen, so it’s probably normal. And I shouldn’t be reading something into it. We’re not related. But thinking she might picture me in her head when she’s just exploring her sexuality is twisting my guts. The same way I fantasize about you...” 

I slowly turn to him and find him rubbing his face.

He’s unable to squash the disgust in his tone. “It ruins any innocent interaction between us, me and my other sisters too. It’s wrong. It shouldn’t be like that.”

Ben’s family dynamic is more fucked up than I ever could’ve thought.

I take his hands in mine and squeeze. “There’s nothing perverse about it. I understand why you feel uncomfortable, but my sister and I used to crush on Dean’s friends all the time. You are that for her. The cooler, older guy. A fantasy. That’s all.”

He nods, “I know, but it still makes everything weird. I tried to repress the knowledge and then you just… mention it.” He groans even more frustrated.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“No, don’t be. I was being a dick. I’m sorry.” He sighs, then cups my face in his big hands. “This is not how I imagined our first night to be like.”

“What did you imagine it like?”

“I don’t know. I wanted to… savor you. Do it slow…”

My lips twitch up. “I rushed you.”

“Yes, you did.” He groans, closing his eyes at the memory. “And I loved it.” Then he sighs again. “But actually, I meant us fighting after, that was never planned.”

It was never planned for me either. I fantasized about this more times than I want to admit, but in no scenario, we fought after. If I were truthful to myself, I would admit that I’d hoped he would change his mind after we’ve been intimate. But it seemed it wasn’t as world-shaking for him as it was for me.

I close my eyes, suddenly feeling very small. “I can be out here by tomorrow. We can book a flight tonight. Just drop me off at the airport and I…”

He gives me a terrified look. “What are you talking about? You want to leave? Now? After… this?”

I hang my head. I’m so embarrassed. And I feel so damn hollow. I made it clear how I feel about him again, and he turned me down again. “I know I shouldn’t have said what I said. It just slipped out. But it’s true. I want to be with you, Ben, but I never meant to pressure you.”

He catches my chin and lifts my face to meet his gaze. He looks overwhelmed, but also unsure of… everything. “I don’t know what to say to that. Would it be enough if I just told you I don’t want you to leave? I don’t want you to leave, Rey. Stay with me.”

It is enough. For now. Because I can’t let go. Yet. I’ll give myself this weekend. Thanksgiving. His birthday. Then I’ll try to let go. Of him and my feelings. For my own good. He must know we can’t stay like this forever.

I nod. “Okay.”

“Can I ask something for my birthday of you?”

Confused over the quick change of subject, I just nod again.

“I want to plan the day. Would you do what I’d like to... for my birthday.”

“It’s your birthday, of course, we’ll do what you want.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

Chapter Text

Rey and I spent more time with my family than I expected, from board games to movie and restaurant visits. Griffin and Will tag along for some of it, and that’s the only time Layla is on her best behavior. I know I should’ve taken her aside and scolded her for her passive aggressiveness toward Rey, but I’m too scared she might talk about her feelings. Besides, hearing our nighttime activities is probably punishment enough. We’re humping each other like teenagers experiencing sex for the first time.

I know I told Doug we would keep it down, but hell we are. I love making Rey scream, and she screams at the top of her lungs when I’m buried deep inside her, making her come. She’s making me come like never before, too. I can’t imagine anyone ever giving it to someone better.

When I fell asleep last night, Rey was tracing the lines of my face with a finger, and I could swear I heard her mumble, “I think it’s too late. I think I’ve fallen for you, Ben.”

I don’t know why she would say that in such an apologetic tone of voice. I never asked that of her, never told her to keep her feelings in check, but I understand why she would try not to fall for me. I told her from the start that hockey was everything. That it’ll always come first. I told her about my ex-girlfriend for god’s sake.

And despite all this, Rey is falling in love with me. Or she thinks so. I don’t deserve her. Of all the reasons for that, the most important one is that I’m a fucking coward. Too much of a coward to tell her how I feel, to even answer her. Or at least explain to her that I’m fucking afraid. I never felt the way about anyone the way I feel about her. I fear if she’d been the one giving me an ultimatum in high school, I would’ve left Will and Griff behind to be with her. And have hockey come second.

And that’s exactly what I cannot allow. Hockey has to come first. It’s not only mine but my father’s dream. In my dreams, however, she’s all I see lately.

“You look dashing,” Rey says and lets her hands travel over the fabric of my white dress shirt. I’m wearing that and some black pants because my mother decided we should all dress up for Thanksgiving dinner.

“And you’re absolutely beautiful. I’m a lucky man,” I tell her, because it’s true.

Rey isn’t wearing much makeup, just some blush and mascara. Her red dress clings tight to her chest and falls loose over her hips. The color brings out the blush in her cheeks, and all I want to do is throw her on the bed.

Last time was in the shower. We were supposed to get ready, but one look at her perky ass, and I was a goner. I got into the shower with her and took her from behind. We haven’t done that in the many times we fucked the last two days, and even though Rey isn’t a small girl, I’m an even taller man, and standing on her tippy toes wasn’t quite enough, so we had to go to our knees, where I took her doggy style.

“Ben…” she starts, but doesn’t end the sentence. She pushes herself up and gives me a lingering kiss.

It’s intense, as I’ve come to expect. Rey’s kisses are always magical. But when she pulls away, there’s something in her eyes I can’t quite pin down. Why would she be sad? Maybe because she can’t spend Thanksgiving with her family. I’ve taken a lot from her, and I haven’t even once said that I like her back.

I try it. I try to say the words, but when I open my mouth, nothing comes out. And all I can think about, all I see before my inner eye, is Rey with a big belly, knocked up because we weren’t careful. Marriage because we have to. Forced to stay together even though we don’t want to. My career ended before it began.

No. We’re not my parents. But what if we are hers? That’s not worse, but only a little bit better. I want to play hockey. I never wanted anything else. And if I want to make that dream come true, I can’t let anything distract me. After this weekend, I have to distance myself from her. For my own good. But for now, all I want to show her is how she makes me feel. I want her to fondly remember our times together. Not hate me. God. I won’t survive it if she hates me.

“Ben, what is going on?” Rey studies my face, concerned.

“I’m just thinking… I wish we’d met a few years from now,” I blurt out. “After college, when everything worked out in my favor, my career. I’d have the time then. Give you what you deserve.”

She stares at me in shock. “You’re not doing me wrong if that is what you’re implying.”

“I’m also not doing you right,” I object strongly. She winces. Shit. I groan. “All I’m trying to say is—”

“That we’re never going to be together? Is that it? I figured that by now, but thanks for finally letting me in on that. But just not now, right? Maybe if we meet in a few years from now again when you’re a fucking Stanley Cup winner,” Rey says, suddenly heated.

Shit. She’s clearly upset. I didn’t mean to make this happen. I just wanted to make sure she understands how much I want to be with her, but that it just can’t be right now. Clearly, she is taking it the wrong way completely. Worse. I hurt her. I see it in her eyes. She’s never yelled at me before.

Rey isn’t the kind of girl to yell. She argues. She doesn’t stress. She talks through what’s bothering her. She doesn’t make me guess what she’s upset about. She shows me.

But in the last few days, I’ve had no idea what’s going on. Since she told me how she felt about us. Since we had sex, actually. It’s like she thought that’d change anything between us.

Fuck. She did. I see it now that I think of it.

It didn’t change anything for me. I liked Rey from the very beginning and even more when I got to know her. Having sex with Rey just made me realize how deep I’m in. And that had me pull away, scared.

And that makes her pull away as well. Now we’re distancing the same way I wanted it just minutes ago.

I hate it.

Fuck. I can’t handle this. I’m not good at this. I need to talk to Griffin.

“Rey…” I don’t even know what I want to say.

She shakes her head sadly. “I can’t wait for you forever, Ben, you know… I just can’t. I want to be with you, but not if you don’t want to be with me in the same way.”

“Rey…”

“We should go downstairs. Dinner’s ready.”

My mum and Rey chat over the Thanksgiving dinner while I’m occupied shoveling so much food in my mouth that nobody tries to talk to me. Rey tells mum about how her family always cooks a French recipe. She promises to send it to her.

Mum looks disappointed and says, “Oh, I hoped you were spending Christmas with us this year too. We love having Ben home.”

I see the confusion on Rey’s face. I didn’t lie to her when I told her that I was always going home for the holidays, but usually, I spend most of my time with G and Will. Even when I’m here. His mother has an animal sanctuary, so my stepsiblings like it there, too, so they come to visit a lot when I sleep there. All of it is fresh vegan food and better than what even our cook serves.

Doug looks up from his full second plate. “Maybe they decided to rotate the holidays, so Ben is spending Christmas with Rey’s family this year.”

Rey bites her lip, suddenly uncomfortable. “Ben told me you always spend Christmas with the Sawyers, so I don’t think so.”

“You sure it isn’t about the fight you just had?” Leila asks so fakely sweet that it hurts to watch. She flips her blond hair over her shoulder and gives Rey an expectant look.

“Leila,” Mum gasps.

“What? I’m just making sure everything is all right. After all, I heard them scream, or rather her.” Leila wrinkles her forehead in thought. It is a thoughtfully put-together act. If I didn’t know any better, I’d totally buy it.

Mum looks alarmed. She fixes her gaze on me, “Are you breaking up?”

“Mum,” I sigh, deeply embarrassed. I can’t believe Leila would put Rey on the spot like this. “Please, could we not discuss this over dinner?”

“Ben is right,” Doug comes to my aid. “Their relationship is also none of our business. I mean, how many last these days anyway? It’s a different generation.”

I shake my head, “Rey and I aren’t breaking up, can we please change the subject now?”

Just that we are.

“Just that you are,” Leila chimes in. “I heard her scream at you that you only want to be with her after you achieve your goals. Hockey is more important again, isn’t it?”

I stand up in a swift motion. Now I’m seriously angry. She has no idea what Rey means to me or what she’s planting in her mind. “Leila, can I talk to you for a second? Outside?”

“Ben…” Mum starts.

“Don’t!” I hold up my hand and leave the room. I know Leila follows me without having to look back. I head for her father’s office and close the door behind us. “Why are you being such a bitch to Rey?”

Her face reddens as soon as our gazes lock. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“You know exactly what I mean.” I take a deep breath. “So you think you’re crushing on me.”

“What the fuck!” She lets out a fake laugh.

I cut her off, “You think you’re crushing on me, but you are not. It’s a fantasy, nothing more. I happen to be the big brother you look up to without being related to you, of course, that must confuse you.”

She holds my gaze, crossing her arms in front of her chest. The teenage urge to be right, to not have her feelings explained to her, wins out over her pretending. “I know what I’m feeling, Ben. I’m no child.”

“Really? Then what are you feeling?” I study her throughout.

She winces, blushing hard. “I’m into you. It’s wrong, I know, but I can’t change it.”

I shake my head. “You’re not.”

“I am. Stop telling me that.”

“Then why did you never make a move on me?” I demand to know.

“Because you’re like my brother,” she blurts out.

My brow quirks up. “So you admit it? That we’re like brother and sister.”

“Of course, that’s what’s making my feelings worse.”

I chuckle. Rey gave me the idea that it could be that I’m nothing more than a fantasy to Leila, but it’s so relieving to find it is true. Now all I have to do is make her see that. “Okay, so what were you imagining us doing?”

“What?” Her mouth drops open.

“You say you’re into me, so what do you want to do to me?” I know I’m going too far with this, but if I want her to admit to herself that she deluded herself all along, I have to. “Do you want to suck me off?”

I see the reprint in her eyes. “Ben, that is...” disgusting. She doesn’t have to say it. I can read it in her face. When she realizes where I’m going with this, she sighs, defeated, “I never thought about us this way, okay? I only imagined what it’d be like to... a secret hallway kiss or something.” She’s blushing so furiously like only a teenage girl can.

“Fine, then kiss me,” I coax her.

“What?” Her eyes widen in shock.

I lean towards her, taking her chin in my hand. I pray she pulls away before this becomes seriously sick.

“You want me to kiss you?” I lean even closer, lips almost touching hers. But before they do, my head is wrenched to the side. I stumble away, holding my pounding chin. I taught her to punch just fine. I grin at her victoriously. “Not what you wanted?”

She stares at me for a moment in disbelief, then it dawns on her. She stutters, “But I was so jealous… I… I thought I was.”

“You were being a bratty little sis, that’s all.” I sling my arm around her shoulder for comfort. “You didn’t want to share your older brother, that’s why you were jealous.”

She sighs and hangs her head. “I guess you’re right. After you moved out, I… I really missed you.”

“Aw, I missed you too, sissy.” I pull her into a hug. And it’s so fucking relieving to be able to do it again.

The rest of Thanksgiving dinner is luckily way less awkward than I imagined it would be. Leila even apologizes to Rey. After that, she makes a real effort to get to know her better. And as in all things, Sara strings along.

I put my arm around Rey's shoulder, and she lets me. I know the fight isn’t forgotten, but for now, we don’t mention it. When we get back to my room, Rey doesn’t waste any time getting undressed. It’s like she fears we’re never going to do this again, and I do fear that, too. So I sink into the mattress with her and make love to my girl.

When the clock chimes midnight, Rey wakes me by jumping on top of me. She wraps her arms around me and gives me such a passionate kiss it makes my head spin. “Happy birthday, Ben.”

“Thank you, sweetheart.”

Then she rolls to her side of the bed and falls back asleep. For once in my life, I do not feel like unwrapping presents. I just want to peel away the defensive walls she built around her heart.

Chapter Text

“I’m sorry Thanksgiving was so awkward for you,” I tell Rey while we’re driving to my old prep school. She doesn’t know that. She's blindfolded, so she doesn’t see where we are going.

“Ah, it was awkward for all parties involved. Holidays just have that about em. I don’t exclude my family from that. You’ve met them.” She shrugs, then her head tilts in thought. “Though Leila has been suspiciously nice. What did you talk to her about when you left dinner so suddenly?”

“I tried to kiss her,” I admit.

“What?”

“She punched me.”

“What?” Now she only sounds surprised.

“You gave me the idea.”

“I did not!” Her brow furrows, voice gravel.

“Yes, you did,” I insist before explaining, “You said that I was only a fantasy for her. All I had to do was make her realize that.”

Rey looks at me like I lost my mind. I don’t need to see her eyes for that. Her mouth is wide open. I can’t blame her. But I put my faith in her, in what she told me, praying she didn’t only say that to comfort me. Confronting Leila may have been a risky move, but after all, it paid off.

I park the car in the same spot I always used to at my old prep school’s parking lot. It’s weird to be back. This is the place where we would hide in between periods. Will would always bring a different girl, sometimes each break. Griffin made out with whatever girl he was going out with then. And Luce and I would have inside jokes about both of them.

I get out of my stepdad’s Range Rover and walk to the passenger side to help Rey out. She stumbles because the truck is higher than she’s used to, and I have to catch her.

“Sorry,” I mumble, take her hand, and guide her towards the entrance, lifting her whenever we pass steps because I’m impatient and it’s easier.

Rey stumps with her foot. “Just tell me already.”

Wow. That girl does hate surprises. “No. It’s my birthday, remember? You promised. And we’re almost there anyway.”

I sit her on the bench right in front of the empty rink. As impatient as she might be, she doesn’t take the blindfold off. Even before I was sure Rey would join me on Thanksgiving, I gave my high school hockey coach a call to ask if I could take a skate at my old school’s rink. He didn’t have objections at all, just told me to save tickets for him once I play in the pros. Seems he’s been following my college’s career.

I drop to my feet and take out the skate I brought in my bag, the ones I bought especially for Rey. I’ve got the size from Keera, but skates variate, so I’m not sure if they’ll fit properly. For today, they’ll do, I decide.

“What are you doing?” Rey asks when I take her shoes off. “Is this supposed to be some weird Cinderella thing?”

I laugh at her ideas but don’t reveal anything. “You could say so...”

“Ben...”

“Something you haven’t done in a while but you’ll enjoy,” I promise. Once she gets over her fear, I’m sure of it.

I put on my skates after I’m done with hers. From the plain sight of it, hers fit perfectly, but I can only be sure when they’re put to the test. As they’re brand new, they haven’t been broken in, but it’s not like Rey needs to do a triple axel.

I cup the nape of her neck and carefully pull her towards me until our foreheads touch, whispering softly, “Trust me?”

She doesn’t move or say anything for a moment as if she has to mull the question over. I never thought silence could hurt worse than words. But I deserve it. I’ve been racking my brain trying to find a way to fix things between us, and I’m terrified that what I’m attempting today will only make things worse. But even if Rey never wants to see me again after Thanksgiving, if I helped her conquer this fear, I’ll be content knowing I’ve given her something invaluable.

I pick her up and carry her to the rink. She lightly squirms in my arms, alarmed by the sudden weight on her feet. “Ben...”

“Trust me,” I repeat. This time, I don’t make it a question. I put her down on the ice, but I don’t let her go.

I let her stand there for a moment to get accustomed. Also, I can’t help myself. I take out my phone and snap a pic. This. Her on the ice with a blindfold on. Pure Gold.

Then I snap another pic. A selfie, both of us in it. I always want to remember this moment.

As slowly as I can go, I skate backward, pulling her with me. She tenses up entirely when she feels herself sliding over the ice. Her voice is panicky. “Ben!”

“Trust me,” I murmur and pull her to me. She immediately wraps her arms around my waist. I lift her chin and kiss her cheek, then her nose, before pulling off the blindfold.

Rey’s eyes are huge, her body as tense as possible. But she lets me skate us from one side of the rink to the other, relaxing a little more by each passing minute. The nails she dug into my shoulders like claws are relaxing, and her palm flattens against me.

“Is this okay?” I ask, slowly quickening the pace.

Her mouth slowly spreads out into a real smile. “As long as you don’t let go.”

“Never.”

The corner of her mouth spreads wider. Her eyes twinkle, and her cheeks are flushed from the speed and the cold. She’s so beautiful I could drop to my knees right here and now.

She beams at me. “I never thought I’d do that again.”

“Are you having fun?” I ask, sounding strangely husky. Why am I so touched by this? I know I didn’t do too much for her. I can’t take away her fear right away, but I think we’re getting closer.

I want her to have this. I know once upon a time she must’ve enjoyed it. And I want her to be able to share this with her family again.

She nods, but warns me, “Don’t go faster though.”

I couldn’t even if I wanted to. Not unless I want her to fall over like a newborn foal, which I don’t. Her legs are still so stiff that if she straightens any more, she might break them. But maybe…

I have an idea and pull her to me, lifting her right off her feet. “Legs around my waist,” I command. “Let’s go fast.”

She obeys, clawing her nails in the fabric of my Jacket.

“No! Ben!” She shivers. “Don’t please.”

But a part of her must be drawn to it, or she wouldn’t have done as I told her. Still, I wait for her go-ahead. This is supposed to be a good experience for her. The best I can give her.

“Come on, you were having fun,” I remind her. I tense my arms around her, giving her the comfort she needs. “I’d never let you fall.”

“Only a little-”

Before she can finish, she screams. I’m rushing through the arena, but before the sound of horror can slow me down, her scream turns to a quaking laugh, shriek, then a laugh of joy again.

Seeing her like that makes my chest inflate with glee. I turn in a fast twist, and she squels again. Then we both laugh. I’m grinning at her like an idiot, but I can’t stop it. When I brought her here, I was prepared to coax her into this, but Rey has been nothing if not brave. Now I see her loving this. What I love. My chest feels so full, I feel like puking rainbows.

Best. Birthday. Ever.

Rey’s still got her head pressed to my chest, arms clasped around my neck. She lets out a shivering breath. “I think that is enough for now.”

“Okay.” I’m not going to fight her on this. She knows better how much she can take. So I stop and put her back on her feet.

Rey doesn’t let go of my jacket, her fingers digging in. Her eyes are a little unfocused, and a worry sends my stomach into a sudden plummet. I pull her back against me, tilt her head back, and try to get a better look.

“Are you dizzy?”

“Not more than when you kiss me,” she breathes. “So in the best way.”

“Let’s put that to the test,” I murmur and bring my lips to hers.

The sudden warmth of her mouth in contrast to the cold of the air sends a shudder through me. My heart flutters, not an entirely new sensation, and yet something I can no longer ignore, no longer pretend away. It’s when I know… I love Rey. I loved her all along. There’s no casualness to the way I feel about her. This is no situationship. It’s already a relationship, and every attempt of mine to fight it futile. I want to make time for her. I want her in my life. Actually, I can’t imagine her not being in it.

But I don’t know how to say any of that. That I want to put effort into this. That I want to make it work. So when she pulls back, I suddenly just blurt, “Can I call you Hazelnut?”

She chuckles. “Yes, Ben, of course you can.”

I’m waiting at the base of the staircase like a suitor on a new season of Bridgerton. Or a desperate date waiting for his lady on prom night. What takes so long? We’re going to be late for my own birthday party. Not that I care, but-

All thoughts fade from my mind. Suddenly, my brain doesn’t work anymore. It’s like when a dog sees a treat and all he can do is wiggle his tail, mouth salivating.

Rey is floating down the stairs in a glittering blue dress. It’s short. As in it only barely covers her ass. It leaves not much to the imagination with the deep cleavage and thin halter straps. I instantly picture myself slowly sliding them to the side to kiss her softly. I know that’s where she likes it. Neck, shoulder, nape. I know all her sweet spots and have been concentrating my affections there.

The fact I can’t look at her without picturing touching her, however, is alarming. It should’ve made me realize my feelings much sooner. I’m such an idiot.

“Holy,” I call out, eyes fixed on her. “If that’s the dress K snuck in your suitcase for my party, I have to thank her for it.”

Rey giggles. “It’s tight.”

Damn straight. It hugs her curves so fitting, I’m rocking a semi-hard dick since laying my eyes on her, unable to not recall the way I traced the swell of her breasts last night.

She’s not wearing a bra. She couldn’t possibly.

I groan, “Let’s go before we won’t even make it to the party.”

“Ew, Ben,” I hear Sara call from the living room, then several giggles.

We shout them a quick bye before heading out the door. I couldn’t concentrate on driving even if I tried, so I’m damn happy Will sent us his driver to pick us up. Rey catches my look, and her breath hitches.

“How much time do we have?” she asks, so fraught with meaning I’m almost tempted to start something in the backseat. But I’m able to hold myself back at the last second.

“Not long,” I sigh, already mulling over whether I should tell the driver to drive around the block a few times, but I don’t want to disrespect G’s and Will’s efforts. “Will’s neighborhood is pretty close, just more expensive.”

There’s no reason to say so. She sees that as soon as we enter the streets. The mansions here are something else, even more over-the-top. Will’s family’s estate is easily the most excessive and pretentious mansion I’ve ever seen. It looks like someone cut out some old Lord’s castle and put it right here.

Rey’s eyes widen at the sight. “Oh... my... God. Is he some kind of aristocrat?”

I chuckle, loving that we’re having the same line of thinking. I shake my head. “Just filthy rich. Will’s mom wanted a house looking like a modern castle, so she got one.”

“It kinda looks like that castle from Downtown Abby. Just without towers and smaller,” Rey remarks. “Much smaller.”

I snort. “You wouldn’t say that if you knew the real estate prices around here.”

We get out of the car, and Rey links her arm with mine. This is how we enter the party. Because, of course, Will left the front door open. The Allistairs got a hall solely for occasions like this. There are two bars on either side of the room and some seating arrangements.

Even though the hall is huge, it is freaking packed. I wonder where Will and G find all these people. Last year, pretty much everyone we went to high school with came. I see the surprise on Rey’s face when we make it inside. And as soon as we do, people begin singing for me. That is the worst part. It always is. But I’ve got Rey at my side, so I just pull her close and snicker in her hair.

Then people come up to us, congratulating, patting my back, and begin to engage in conversation. I’m truly happy seeing so many of my childhood friends, old teammates, and, of course, new ones. Of course, not everyone could come, but Deluca’s here. Obviously, he would never miss a party. He brought Batsy, too. But it’s hard to concentrate on what people are saying to me when Rey is standing this close to me, breathing at my neck. In that dress.

“Rey, you look amazing!” Griffin compliments her before pulling her into a tight hug.

I’m tempted to slap his hand away from her. But Will makes it to us before that. He plants a crystal glass with what seems to be Whiskey on the rocks in my hand and a cocktail glass with something fruity in Rey’s. Will always has barkeepers at his parties, so the drinks are premium.

“Wow,” Rey moans in delight. “I grew up mixing vodka with pineapple juice.”

“Not on my watch,” Will jokes, pretending to be peeved. But then he wraps an arm around her shoulder and pulls her to him, whispering something in her ear. She giggles and nods.

Will turns to me. “I’m showing her around.”

I nod at them, then turn back to John, a former teammate. He plays for Boston College, and they even made it to the Frozen Four last year. We even met there, but his team was defeated by Hewn College and Rey’s insufferable brother. Still, they were freaking good, and I’m pretty sure John’s spot on an NHL roster is safe.

He talks about how sick it would be if we were drafted on the same team the year after next. But he stops midsentence, and his eyes follow Rey when she and Will leave. He whistles, “Wow, you are a lucky bastard, Solo.”

That fucktart even licks his lips.

“Do you know who that was?” I ask, sidetracking because I do feel like debauching in Rey’s looks is wrong. My chin dropped when I saw her tonight. I love her natural look, but tonight she looks like a fairy goddess.

She took the time to accentuate her cheekbones with bronze powder, rouge, and highlighter, so no wonder I was waiting so goddamn long for her. A glittery smokey eye enhances her eyes with her mascaraed lashes, and the dark red lipstick makes her lips pop just as much.

“No, who?” he takes the bait.

“Dean Moureux’s sister,” I offer, arching a brow with a sweep of bemused lips. I can’t keep the smugness off my face.

Joe chokes out a laugh and slaps my back in acknowledgment. “Dude, you’re fucking Moureux’s sister? How come he hasn’t killed you?”

“Fucking an opponent’s sister is better than a hat trick,” Matt agrees.

My lips instantly flatten into a thin line. I don’t like the way he talks about Rey. I growl, “Don’t disrespect my girl.”

John’s eyes widen further. “You’re dating her?”

“Who are you dating?” a musical voice asks behind me.

I turn around to a beautiful blond girl in a tight red dress. That’s also the moment Will and Rey show up again, and I say, “Luce.”

“Ben!” she goes in for a hug, and I find Rey tensing up next to Will. Still, I don’t scorn Luce. “Wow. It’s great to see you.”

“You look amazing,” I hear myself say.

She raises her champagne glass to me. “So do you. If I’d only known you get so much...” Her eyes travel over my physique. “Fitter,” she finishes, humor twinkling in her blue eyes.

I almost laugh. Lucy’s humor was always very subtle. I’m sure nobody else caught that she was making a joke. Not that she denies I’m in better shape than since high school, I obviously am, but that she wouldn’t be reason enough to get back together.

I can’t help but take the bait. I grin at her, “Aw, thanks, babe. And if I’d known you’d fill out your dress after school...”

She snorts and huffs a strand of hair out of her face. “Gained a bit of weight, but I ain’t complaining. My ass is thanking.”

“And the rest of us, too,” Will chimes in.

The guys hoot.

Rey tenses up even more and turns to absent herself. I catch her by the wrist before she can do so and pull her to my side. “Lucy, that’s Rey,” I introduce, “Rey – Lucy.”

Rey melts into my side. I don’t know if she’s seeking comfort or staking a claim. She holds out her hand, but Lucy goes in for a hug. “It’s nice to meet Ben’s new girl.”

“It’s nice to meet his ex.” Rey sounds so forcefully polite that the boys snicker again.

Behind us, I even hear one hoot, “Catfight.”

Lucy’s eyes widen at me. “You talked about me?”

“You don’t talk about me?” I reverse.

She laughs. “I do, my boyfriend wanted to know all about my exes, but I’ve never been such a secretive person like you.”

“Got a new man, huh?” I say, grabbing my pec as if I’ve just been shot.

She giggles. Joe chimes in, “Hockey player on my team.”

I remember they went to the same college. “You’re cheering for Boston now? Traitor!”

“What else? So what, I’ve always had a thing for jocks. Aren’t they neatly built, Rey?” She turns to her, winking.

To my surprise, Rey giggles. “Can’t complain.”

“No, hell, you can’t,” I swagger, and the boys hoot again.

“Time for shots,” Will screams and grabs me to pull me to the bar. I’ve got no concerns leaving Rey with Lucy. They seem to be getting along.

“Luce is probably tattling on you right now,” Will warns me after he orders us fireball shots, which of course come right away since the barkeeper is only here to please him.

“Dude, your ex and your girl are getting along,” Joe calls out, “Hell has officially frozen over.”

Chapter Text

Rey is standing with Luce, Gigi, and her friends from high school. They seem to be catching up, but aren’t excluding her. Judging by the loud girl giggles and laughs from over there, they are attempting to do the opposite. They get along great. Gigi’s flapping around the group in a circle, telling Rey funny stories about each and every girl she meets. I can just imagine all the embarrassing stories about me Luce is all too happy to share.

I’m relieved Rey’s having fun, but it’s been hours, and it’s still my birthday. I deserve some attention from my girl.

Will sees the look on my face, follows my gaze, and snickers, “Get yourself that birthday sex already, bro.”

I wink at him before I make my way over to the girl group. I don’t ask for permission to separate the girls, as soon as I get there, I grab Rey by the hip and hurl her over my shoulder, hand covering the line of naked skin displays while riding up. I hold the seam of the dress down and scowl at every passing man who dares to let his glance travel up her endless legs.

Rey shrieked when I lifted her in a sudden motion. When she realizes it’s me, she laughs, squirming against me. “Ben! Where are we going?”

I’m leaving the hall in quick steps, following the path of the floor brings us right to the winter garden on the other side of the estate. I put her down and let her take in the sight.

Her head swivels around in the big room, filled with plants of all kinds. Most of these trees lining the glass walls are cherry blossoms, and their pink flowers are still blooming.

“Wow,” Rey murmurs with big eyes. Her glance finally lands on me, and she steps closer, placing her hand on my pec.

My heart goes off like a thousand wild horses dashing over a wide, open plain. I came to expect that when it comes to her. It’s just the way she makes me feel.

I cup her face in my hand and lean down to brush my lips over hers in a whisper of a kiss. Rey is impatient, gnarling at me for teasing her. She sinks her fingers in my hair and pulls me down to her, tongue parting my lips and filling my mouth, deepening the kiss.

Fuck. My stomach somersaults. The taste of her is heaven, and I suck on the tip of her tongue because I can’t get enough, lure her in deeper, and swallow all her moans.

Rey rubs herself restlessly against me, but now my hands are moving to her hip to pull her closer still while we kiss. Her hands are moving over the fabric of my dress shirt, playing with the buttons. I groan in her mouth in anticipation when she finally decides to unbutton them. When my shirt is open, she pulls it down, undressing my torso for good.

I moan when her mouth instantly laps onto my chest, grazing my nipple and moving down. She stops, stems her hands against my pec, and guides me backward until my ankle hits the sofa placed in the middle of the room, and I almost fall onto it.

My heart hammers against my chest, craving Rey’s next move. But she doesn’t take a seat in my lap as I hoped. No, it is so much better... or worse. She minces away, swaying her hips suggestively. I follow her every move, certain that want and need is plainly written over my face. I’m sure the feelings buried much deeper are starting to show, and I don’t know how to handle this just now.

The second she’s close enough, I pounce, grabbing her hips and pulling her onto my lap until her thighs straddle me.

I look up at her, scared my voice and eyes are giving me away. “Ride me.”

“Yes,” she answers breathlessly.

I slowly let my fingertips wander up, pushing her dress up until I bare her. I groan. “No panties?”

“Another birthday present,” she admits breathlessly.

I don’t delude myself that Rey had help from G or Will with the present, but that’s not what this is about. Actually, I don’t care so much for the new video game she’d had all cutely wrapped in glitter paper. It was the card with even more glitter, specifically the words inside, that warmed my heart. I’ve never gotten anything like it because my mum is not much for handicrafts, and my ex-girlfriends were rich girls who never heard of it. But the reason this means so much has nothing to do with them, just her. It’s about what she means to me.

Rey’s cheeks had turned bright pink when she confessed that she’d probably overdone it with the glitter. I was quick to reassure her she didn’t. That is to say, I treasure this very personal present as well.

I cup her pussy in my hand and let my thumb slide through her wetness, groaning. “Have I done this to you?”

Rey’s cheeks redden in a deeper shade. “You know you always do.”

“Just from kissing?”

“Yes,” she admits, biting her lips. “So much.”

Fuck. I rummage around in my pockets, searching for a condom. My fingers touch the pack, but before I rip it open, Rey lays her hand on top of mine, watching me with heavy lids and says, “We never talked about this, but I’m on birth control.”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Did she just say that? I tense up entirely, and panic seizes my tongue. “Are you for real? Are you seriously just suggesting what I think you are? Telling me to just hit it raw?”

Her face falls, realizing she said the completely wrong thing at this very moment. “I just... guys always complain about the feel. I thought it’d just be better for you.”

I relax. I get it. It’s my birthday, and she wanted to do me a solid. She couldn’t have known it’d freak me out like this. I shake my head, “No need. It’s always better with you.”

My tone of voice is rough, but it seems like I still said the right thing somehow because she cups my face and kisses me passionately. Our tongues play for a while, and my body relaxes again. She softens against my chest too, grabs the condom out of my hand, and rolls it over my shaft.

She slowly lowers herself on me, taking all of me. My head falls back against the sofa when I feel her clench around me. I moan loudly, and she attunes when she starts rocking her hips. Her fingers trace each muscle on my chest. I love that she always does that, as if it still fascinates her how buff I am. Best. Fucking. Compliment. Ever.

Rey’s nails scratch over my abdominal muscles, and I twitch so hard under her, she moans. Her hands still, holding onto my shoulders for stability instead as she starts fucking herself on me in earnest. She quickens the pace, more and more with each stroke.

I lift my hips to meet hers, picking up on her rhythm until she starts to shake, then I wrap my arm around my hips to steady her. With my free hand, I grab for the tiny halter of her dress and pull it down her shoulder to free her tits.

She lets me play with her nipples until she shudders, then she begs, “More, Ben.”

I've become accustomed to the way she says my name, either when she’s emotional or we’re fucking. Somehow, I’m loving it. Both.

Our breathing starts to come more ragged when Rey’s moves become more unmeasured, as she grows more and more desperate to reach her climax. Her pussy clenches around me, and I almost come right then. But I manage to hold it back for her.

“Play with yourself,” I order her, and let go of her nipple.

Rey’s hand immediately takes my place, twisting her nipple between her fingers, moaning louder. Her index and middle finger move to where we’re joined, playing with her clit instead of rubbing against my pubic bone.

God, it’s the hottest thing to watch.

Fuck. This woman!

I grab her hips and start to pound upwards. Her thighs begin to shudder harder, unable to keep up with my speed, but willingly taking everything I give her. Her cheeks are flushed, her gaze locked with mine. I’ve had the time to study each of her expressions, caught in how fucking hot she looks when she gets close, when I make her come. And I know she’s damn close.

“Ben,” she rushes me, pleading for harder thrusts.

I know what she needs. I know how her body works. And I know that I’m going to be rewarded. My thrusts become uneven now, too. I just pound up, hard, as hard as I can. And her pussy clenches so tight I almost blackout.

“Coming,” we both choke out at the same time. She does in a high voice, almost screaming my name again and again. Me grunting hers.

Rey collapses on top of me. She snuggles up against me, head hidden in the crook of my neck. Her breath comes heavy but warm against my chest.

I can’t believe it. That was the best fucking fuck I’ve ever had.

My chest tightens and then goes so light I think I might die. Before I can stop it, I blurt out, “We’re officially together.”

Rey lifts her head and stares at me with wide eyes. “What?”

“When we’re back at Arcryn, I’ll make our relationship official. We’re a couple,” I tell her. That’s what she wanted, right? But if so… then why does she look so strange at me? I try to salvage it with a joke. “I can put Rey’s boyfriend in my social media bios.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” she asks, confused.

“I- Is that not what you wanted?”

“I don’t know. Not when you’re only saying that,” she answers with deep furrows between her brows.

I gulp. “Why would I only say that?”

So I don’t lose her. I see it on her face, and I know it’s the truth. She’s been slipping away for the past few days. It was as if we both knew it was going to be over once we were back at Arcryn. And I just realized that I can’t. Can’t let go. Can’t lose her.

Damn hockey. I don’t want to distance myself from her. I know I promised myself I’d do it, but I don’t see a reason to. I’d probably be more off my game missing her. It’ll screw with my head not having her with me. I need her in my life.

I know that I fucked up not fessing up to it sooner, realizing it sooner. Fuck. I was a complete moron.

“Are you saying you’re in love with me?” she asks, carefully studying my face.

“No. No, of course not,” I’m quick to reassure her, thinking it’s the right thing to say, starting from the premise that we barely know each other. But I know it’s not the right thing to say when I see the hurt flicker in her eyes.

I recall the words she said when her finger was softly tracing my jawline, my cheekbones, my lips. I think it’s too late. I think I’m falling for you, Ben. She doesn’t just think so, she knows. She is. She’s in love with me.

And I’m in love with her, so why can’t I just tell her?

The thought echoes through me and vibrates like the ring of the loudest bell. Say something, my woozy conscience urges me on, tell her how you feel. But I can’t. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out.

Rey slowly lifts herself from my lap and fixes her dress. Facing away from me, I don’t see her face, but the hurt in her voice is unmistakable. “You may be okay with being my boyfriend, Ben, but I don’t want to be your girlfriend.”

I take care of the condom and zip up my fly. She doesn’t spare me one look while she does it, and I can’t look at her. I can’t face what I’ve done to her with my careless words, so I stand up from the sofa to throw away the condom in the next trash can.

I don’t know how to make it right. If I tell her now I love her, surely she wouldn’t believe me. She’d think I’d say anything to keep getting laid by her. And just the thought of her seeing me as that kind of douche is unbearable to me.

Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!

I don’t know how to fix it.

I need to talk to Griffin.

I need to fix this before she leaves. Before she can ghost me and disappear from my life completely. My heart squeezes painfully, and I whirl around to say… I don’t know what… something, but when I turn to look at her again, she’s gone.