Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“In shadows deep, I evaporate,
No sound, no light, no voice.
A void engulfs, where hope once thrived,
In darkness lost, my wax deprived.”

“No footsteps echo, no laughter near,
Silent tears cascade, unseen, unclear.
Embraced by sorrow's chilling embrace,
I dissipate, erased without a trace.”

“I am nothing, a ghostly wisp of smoke,
Engulfed in darkness, suffocated by air.
The weight of emptiness, a heavy shroud,
Engulfs my essence, in silence I'm vowed.”

“Lost in this desolate, despondent plight,
Where embers have faded; swallowed by night.
No solace found, no respite in sight,
I'm consumed by darkness, eternally in plight.”

“Yet amidst the gloom ,remains a single flame,
A whisper of a dream, defying the chains.
For even in darkness, a glimmer may ignite,
A spark of resilience, a beacon of light.”

“I may fade, evaporate away,
I'll seek the embers of the dawn.”

“For in the shadows, I'll rise again,
A candle, burning bright, forever and beyond.”

In the depths of the night, a candle flickered in the darkness. Its flame danced in the still air, casting shadows upon the walls of the room. It was a solitary figure, standing tall and proud despite its small size. But beneath its gentle glow, the candle harbored a story that few knew.

Once upon a time, the candle was born from a humble flame. It was crafted by skilled hands and molded into a perfect shape, ready to fulfill its only purpose.

As it was lit for the first time, the candle felt a sense of purpose and fulfillment. Its light shone brightly, bringing warmth and comfort to those around it.

But as days turned into months, the candle began to fade. Its once vibrant flame grew dimmer each passing day, until it was nothing but a mere flicker. The wax that once held it together started to melt away, leaving it vulnerable and exposed.

In the darkness, the candle felt lost and alone. Its light no longer enough to guide others, it was left to burn out in silence. As the days went by, the candle slowly evaporated, becoming nothing but a ghostly wisp of smoke.

No footsteps echoed in the room, no laughter filled the air. The candle was a forgotten memory, embraced by the chilling embrace of sorrow. It was a void, where hope once thrived, now lost in the darkness…

Chapter Text

Adaptable.
If you were to describe me, I would never say adaptable. Change always scares me…
Breathless.
The intake of air becomes difficult when everything is always shifting, I'm breathless..
Chasing.
They always describe the journey is going to be rough and that no one signs up for the war. Chasing dreams seems so superfluous in the grand scheme…
Dreaming…
I dreamed of the sun once…
Effortless.
Oh comes to you so effortlessly doesn't it? You're so easily able to bring yourself back up when you fall…
Falling.
I'm falling now. The dream is broken.
Going?
Going nowhere?
Help.
Help me. help you. help them!
I
I just wish…
Jasmine.
Princess, I will never be…
Kindness.
It's the fruit of my smile. The honey in my voice. The emptiness in my heart. The sting in my lungs.
Leave?
Oh you're just like the rest?
Maybe?
Never.
Oh
Please
Quiver.
Restless.
Sleep is easy when the dream is only darkness.
Snakes.
And worms. The dirt under my feet. Her..
Treasures…
Unwanted.
Valkyrie?
What is your name?
Xavier?
Yawn.
Zoning in on truth, aren't we?

Chapter Text

In shadows draped, where sorrow breeds,
A tale unfolds of hearts that bleed.
For love, they say, is not the foe,
But apathy, the cruelest blow.

With bitter words and fiery rage,
Hatred dances upon life's stage.
Yet deeper still, a void resides,
Indifference, where love subsides.

No tender touch, no gentle gaze,
Just empty echoes, love's malaise.
No tear-stained cheeks, no heartfelt sighs,
Just vacant stares, where passion withers.

For hate, impassioned flames may burn,
But love's absence, a colder churn.
It numbs the soul, it steals the light,
Leaving darkness in its wake, each night.

The opposite of love, it seems,
Is not the rage that hatred gleams,
But the absence of emotion's tide,
Indifference, where love has died.

Chapter Text

Why can't you just be NORMAL? Don't you want to fit in?

I am a CREEP. I overcompensate by love-bombing people so maybe people will like me.

I am a SPAZ. I over share with others to try and relate with them.

I am a FLAKE. I ghost people before I start to annoy them.

Of course I don't want to be normal. That would be too easy right?

I'll keep my feelings to myself just because I can.

I'll keep my joy inside when others cheer just because I can.

I'll stay alone to make my life easier just because I can.

Chapter Text

My collector.

In the vast expanse of the celestial realm, I roam, searching for a place to call my own. I navigate through galaxies and nebulas, my heart heavy with the weight of loneliness. But then, I come across you, my dear collector of stars.

You are like a beacon of light in the endless darkness, with your gentle demeanor and soothing presence. As I approach you, I can't help but feel drawn to you. Your eyes, shining like two sparkling wishes, hold a curious question within them.

“Why do I fall in love?” I hear you asking, almost involuntarily. And with a caring smile, I respond, “For in your presence, love's allure is rare.”

“Let these words strike a chord within, for they hold a deeper truth. You are the keeper of the stars, the one they trust with their deepest secrets and desires. And in your arms, I find a love that is beyond any measure.”

“My dear seeker of dreams, can't you see? You are the cherished one that the stars believe in. The love you deserve, the dreams we aspire for, they all reside within you. You are my darling, my desire, like a mirror I wish only to reflect back the love you bare onto me.”

In your tender embrace, the constellations ignite, painting the night sky with a symphony of love. Each whispered word is a celestial decree, binding our hearts together in an endless bond. Our love is a powerful force in this infinite universe, and nothing can come between us.

“So fear not, my beloved, for your heart's sway is endless. Together, we will faithfully portray the journey of love, hand in hand. You are the collector, my starlit muse, and I am but a humble admirer of your grace.”

Our souls will thrive in the glow of our love, and the universe will bear witness to our eternal bond. For you, my darling, hold the key to the universe itself, and I am blessed to be on this journey with you.

“You, my dear collector of stars, are my anchor in this endless expanse. With you by my side, I feel like I can conquer anything, explore any corner of this infinite universe. And together, we will weave a love that will never falter, for we are two souls entwined in the fabric of eternity.”

Let us dance among the stars, my love, and show the universe the power of our love. For in you, I have found my home, my sanctuary, and I am forever grateful to be one of many by your side, the ones you call your own.

Chapter Text

“How dare you let them control your life!”

I am a hypocrite…

I scream in strife…

For though I speak these words so bold,
Their power over me, I still behold.

The chains that bind, invisible yet strong,
I fight against them, but they prolong.
In pain I dwell, a prisoner of my mind,
Yearning for freedom, yet hard to find.

Oh, the irony of my own hypocrisy,
As I struggle with battles, internal and deep.
They hold the reins, dictating my path,
While I preach defiance, an empty wrath.

Loneliness and bruises…

Purples and reds…

My Valentine, my collector, my sword.

A mirrored dance…

But what happens when you leave the room?

What words caress my lips when you are not near?

How dare I be so selfish?…

Chapter Text

I dwell in a empty husk, a soul unseen,
An overlooked existence, so it seems.
Not first, nor second, nor third am I,
Easily forgotten, as the days pass by.

No memorial for me, no grand display,
No reburial sought, when I fade away.
I am but a whisper, lost in the noise,
Unnoticed, just a silent voice.

Unworthy for the rain in your eyes,
Unworthy for the shine in your smile,
I am not worthy of such tender graces,

A resilience born from the depths below.
For though I'm overlooked, cast to the side,
I find solace in the tears that I hide.

“I'm happy for you. First, second and third.”

Never respected or acknowledged. Though I speak truths, the tongue cut from my mouth.

The candies they give, sweeter than any bitter I gave weave. My books and libraries were free to you only as quickly as the sands can fill my empty husk.

In the shadows I find a bittersweet embrace,
A place where forgotten souls find their place.
For even in sadness, a beauty resides,
In the depths of my heart, where hope still dies.

Chapter Text

I don't know everything, that much is true,
But I know when respect's absent, and I feel so blue.
I can't know it all, that's simply the case,
But I know when I'm bullied, put down, or displaced.

I don't seek your pity, nor yearn for your praise,
But I long to feel valued in meaningful ways.
I'm not asking for much, just a place in your view,
To matter, to be heard, to be acknowledged, too.

So when you ignore or dismiss me, it stings,
Leaves scars on my soul, and hurts that still clings.
I don't need your grand gestures or a pedestal high,
Just to be seen and respected, before being forced to say goodbyes.

… I just wanted to matter… What's the matter with you?

Chapter Text

the shadows, out of reach.

Validation is a strange concept, a twisted game we play. In a world where gray seems to be the dominant color, we all seek understanding. We crave for someone to see us, to hear us, to acknowledge our existence. But what happens when that validation comes from someone we don't want it from?

I never wanted your validation. I never asked for it. But somehow, you found a way to insert yourself into my life and make yourself a necessary part of it. And now, I can't seem to escape from your grasp.

Your touch is tender, but it makes my skin crawl. I long to recoil from it, to shrink away into the shadows, out of your reach. But I am trapped, trapped by the need for validation that you have created in me.

At first, I welcomed your attention. I craved it like a drug, constantly seeking your approval, your validation. But as time went on, I realized that your validation was conditional. It came with a price, a price that I was not willing to pay.

You wanted me to be someone I am not. You wanted me to conform to your ideals, your expectations. And every time I didn't meet them, your validation would disappear, leaving me feeling empty and worthless.

I tried to break free from your hold, but you always found a way to pull me back in. Your words were like a spell, casting a spell on me and making me believe that I needed you, that I needed your validation to survive.

But I am tired of this game. I am tired of pretending to be someone I am not just to please you. I want to break free from your grasp and find my own validation, my own sense of self-worth.

So I take a step back and look at myself in the mirror. I see the person you want me to be, but I also see the person I truly am. And I choose to embrace who he is, to love and validate myself.

I realize now that validation should come from within, not from others. It is not a game to be played, but a journey of self-discovery. And as I walk away from you, I feel a sense of freedom, a sense of peace. I am no longer seeking understanding in a world so gray, for I have found it within myself.

I become Mr. Grey.

Chapter Text

At the age of six, I tried to kill myself for the first time. By the time I was nine, I finally understood what it meant to lose someone after they died.
When I was thirteen I realized I wasn't like everyone else.

Of course, I had my suspicions when I was ten and twelve but it was only when I was fourteen when my mother asked me why couldn't I just be normal while sitting in the back of her Jeep Cherokee.

I don't know what's wrong with me. The first time I was alone, the child in me was angry. "I'll show 'em. When they come back they'll find my cold blue body and wonder why."

When I tried again when I was 16 I wanted to feel something, I wanted to feel like I mattered. It was the first deep scar I gave myself. I can still see it to this day.

Others say you should embrace death like an old friend when he comes to your doorstep.

I've never known what it's like to have a friend. I've known what it means to love someone so much it hurts…

But I can't tell if that's the same as having a friend…

I embrace death like the lover I needed in my darkest moments. His webs are woven deep into my skin like a stuffed doll. The stitches that frame my body pull tight and threaten to rip.

Rip me open already…

Chapter Text

Rage boils within, a tempest unbound,
Society's labels, constricting and profound.
Too nice, too cold, the rules ever confound,
Gender's grip, suffocating, all around.

Fuck your gender!
Its chains and its bluff,
For mine's been ravaged, more than enough.
Just leave me alone…

I'm not a person, you sneer and chide,
But I know my truth, I won't be denied.
I rage against the norms, I won't abide,
In this battle for self, I won't be tried.

Last night I was scared…
I feared for my life…
A life not even hours ago I was willing to lay down onq the line for nothing…
But the moment HE wanted it…
It was not for the taking…
If I'm going to die it'll be by my own sword.
Fuck your gender.

Rage, rage, rage.
It's mine. Not his or hers. Just me.
I'm sorry I never did see…
I knew this rage before…
I just didn't have a name…
But now I know many…

Chapter Text

I'm still the monster at the end of the day.
A voice suppressed, a presence serene.
You say I'm too loud, so I lower my voice.
Quiet, polite, compliant…
You ask for my thoughts, but never to hear,
You say you're my friend, but hate that I love.
Love shunned in darkness, replaced by fear.

Too loud, too quiet, I struggle to find,
A place in this world, a peace for my mind.
I'm not allowed to be angry.
I'm not allowed to scream.
Emotions forbidden, my anger, my sorrow,
In silence and solitude, I seal my fate.

A monster, they say, at the end of the day,
Alone in my cave, where tears find their way.
Unheard, unloved, I silently grieve,
So I'll go back to my cave…
A monster in the shadows, unable to leave.

Chapter Text

In the depths of night, your black void eyes still gleam. With every passing moment, I am consumed by thoughts of you. Echoes of your voice resound, haunting every dream. I cannot escape you, no matter how hard I try.

Your name, a whisper, sends shivers deep, igniting a fire within me that I cannot contain. Quivers of longing, in memories I keep, wishing for a reality where you and I can be together.

But in this fantasy, your lips are a bittersweet taste, reminding me of a love unreturned, a lingering embrace that I can never experience. And yet, I cannot help but crave it.

"You're in love with me, aren't you?" your voice, so clear, cuts through the silence. As the blue sky above, my heart holds you dear, despite the pain that comes with it.

Will you be but a memory, forever to stay? Will I always be haunted by the ghost of our love, unable to move on? Your essence, a ghost, in my heart resides, a constant reminder of what could have been. A love unfulfilled, where longing abides.

I wonder what could have been. For had I not been so foolish, had I not let my fears and doubts get in the way, maybe we could have been something real. I told myself it wasn't real. But now, I am left with only regrets and what-ifs.

The pain in my chest tells a different story. Because it wasn't real. The loneliness and empty space that I cannot fill, it is a permanent mark you left me, that I inflict upon myself. But even in the depths of my despair, I cannot bring myself to hate you, to do so I would admit the truth.

That I may still love you, with every fiber of my being.

In the depths of night, your black void eyes still gleam, a constant presence in my mind. And I know that no matter how hard I try to forget, you will always be a part of me.

Chapter Text

They say when you can not sleep, it means you're awake in someone else's dreams. I never really believed that until I started experiencing it myself. Every night, I lay in bed, unable to drift off into a peaceful slumber. Instead, I am transported into someone else's dreams.

At first, I didn't understand what was happening. I would find myself in different scenarios, surrounded by unfamiliar people and places. But as I continued to have these experiences, I started to realize that I was in the dreams of someone I knew.

And then, one night, I saw you. You were standing in a meadow, Lady Moon’s like surrounding you. A lake of stars, with every wish we've made as children, as your frame. You looked so serene, beautiful, and handsome. And in that moment, I knew that I was in your dreams.

Can you feel my touch? I wonder, as I reach out to touch your face. But you don't seem to notice me. It's as if I am just a ghost, passing through your dream world without leaving a trace.

Do you see me as I see you? I ask, my heart aching for some kind of connection with you. But you continue to wander through your dream, oblivious to my presence.

I lay here waiting for you to see me again. Night after night, I enter your dreams, hoping that one day you will finally notice me. I watch as you laugh with friends, dance in fields of flowers, and even cry in moments of sadness. And through it all, I am there with you, feeling every emotion as if they were my own.

The soft twitching your eyelids make while you sleep. It's a small movement, but to me, it's a sign that you are dreaming. And in those moments, I feel a sense of peace, knowing that I am by your side, even if you can't see me.

I know you are dreaming, when I hear you sigh. It's a sound of contentment, and it brings a smile to my face. I may not be able to physically be with you, but in your dreams, we are together.

So, am I there with you? I ask once again, hoping that one day, you will answer me. And until then, I will continue to visit you in your dreams, holding onto the hope that one day, you will see me as I see you.

Chapter Text

I stumbled through the winding corridors, my feet heavy with exhaustion and my mind clouded with confusion. I had been wandering for what felt like an eternity, lost in the labyrinth of time.

How had I ended up here, in this strange place with no name? Zemblanity's touch had led me here, a bitter grace that mocked my every step. I couldn't remember how I arrived or even who I was. All I knew was that I needed to find my way back home.

The walls seemed to shift and change around me, making it impossible to find my way. I tried to retrace my steps, but the path I had taken seemed to have vanished. Frustration and fear consumed me, but I refused to give up. I had to find my way back, to reclaim what was rightfully mine.

But as I continued on, the questions began to haunt me. Where had I gone, and where would I be when this journey was over? I longed for answers, but they seemed to elude me. I couldn't even remember my own name.

With each passing moment, I felt time slipping away, as if it were a tangible force pulling me further and further from my true self. But I refused to let it defeat me. I pushed forward, determined to break free from this nameless place.

The path ahead was obscured, the way unclear, but I forged on. I couldn't give up, not when my very existence was at stake. Perhaps in the shadows, I would find something, a clue or a sign that would lead me closer to the truth.

But as I wandered, lost and alone, I couldn't help but feel the weight of time's unknown. Zemblanity's curse had befallen me, a cruel fate that condemned me to wander forever in this state. I had no home, no sense of self, just a desperate desire to find my way back.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, willing myself to keep going. I couldn't let time defeat me. I had to hold on to the hope that I would one day break free from this labyrinth and return to my rightful place.

And so I continued on, my steps faltering but never stopping. I knew that one day, I would find my way back home, even if it meant traversing through the endless corridors of time. Lost, but never truly alone, I wandered on, seeking what was mine in the labyrinth of time. Insanity is sweet as serendipity…

Chapter Text

I know you care about me and want to support me, but sometimes it's hard for me to share everything that's going on. I worry that if you knew all the terrible things that have happened to me, you might see me differently or think I'm weak. I don't want you to see me as a victim or pity me.

In your eyes, I see the care you hold,
A love that's warm, a heart of gold.
But within, a fear takes hold of me,
Of revealing the pain that no one should see.

I also don't want you to feel guilty or responsible for my pain. It's not your fault and I don't want to burden you with my struggles. I know you have your own challenges and I don't want to add to them.

I worry it might change your view,
That my strength will seem less, my weaknesses true.
I don't seek pity, nor a victim's role,
Just understanding, to make me whole.

But most importantly, I don't want you to compare my pain to your own. We all go through difficult times in life and I don't want you to feel like you have to measure up to my struggles. Our experiences are unique and I don't want you to feel like you have to compete with my pain.

I know you're burdened with your own strife,
I don't want to add to the struggles of life.
Comparisons, I wish to dispel,
For each of our stories, no measure can tell.

Your concern, your love, I hold dear,
But sharing my all isn't always clear.
It's not about trust or love that's true,
It's about protecting, and caring for you.

I appreciate your concern and love, but please understand that I may not always share everything with you. It doesn't mean I don't trust you or value our relationship. It's just my way of protecting myself and not burdening you with my pain. I hope you can understand and continue to be there for me in your own way.

So please understand, in your own way,
You can support me, day by day.
I'll love you still, with all that's in me,
But some pains, I'll keep hidden, so you can be free.

Chapter Text

I will not be silenced, I scream and I shout,
My voice will ring out, I will not be without.
I hate, I bleed, my heart a raging fire,
I'll never let you silence me, I'll never tire.

You try to strangle my voice, but I won't let you win,
I'll fight for my right to be heard, through thick and thin.
If my words make you uncomfortable, then it's your choice,
But I won't be censored, I won't lower my voice.

I stand tall, unyielding, I won't be pushed aside,
I'll speak my truth, I won't let my spirit be denied.
So if my passion unsettles you, then move and make way,
For I refuse to be silenced, I'll rage on, come what may.

Chapter Text

Everyone always talks about what happens when you look or scream into the void, and what happens when the void looks back and begins to speak.

Frankly, if someone is screaming or calling to me from a distance my first question will be what do you want? Why do you call me of all places? Aren't there others you can turn to, what about me seems so inviting.

What is the call to the void, but nothing but a fall into the darkness, swallowing you whole, and consuming your light? Every essence of you evaporated into nothing but space.

What if, to give yourself to the darkness, it means you don't feel so alone?

What if the void calls to you because it knows your emptiness, and it wants to fill it? What if the void is not something to fear, but something to embrace? Perhaps the call to the void is a call to come home, to find solace in the vast emptiness. And perhaps, in the end, the void is not so empty after all.

Chapter Text

There's nothing unique about me,
They'd be fine without me, you see.
I did it to myself, so why am I still hurt?
I welcomed everything, agreed without assert.

I signed the dotted line, let the ink dry,
Sold my soul, knowing the price, I can't deny.
I've always had to share, afraid to be selfish,
Yet now I wonder, am I really so helpless?

They'd be fine without me, this much is clear,
If I'm gone tomorrow, they'd shed a tear.
But life moves on, I see it happening already,
You don't need me, it's a truth so steady.

Scared of dying because you're needed,
But in the end, we're all just seeded.
I know what would happen if I were to go,
You'd move on, that much I know.

So here I stand, feeling small and meek,
Wondering if my absence would leave a bleak streak.
But in the end, it's plain to see,
There's nothing unique about me.

Chapter Text

But never really belonged.

I know you'll find someone who makes you happy.
Someone who will love and appreciate you.
Someone makes sure you know you're enough.
But it just hurts that it's not me.
That I wasn't enough.

I know I should just be happy for you.
But I can't help feeling bitter.
That I wasn't the one you chose.

I know I shouldn't be jealous, but I am.
I can't help but wonder what he has that I don't.
What makes him so special in your eyes?

I know I shouldn't be upset, but I am.
Because it just feels like you didn't care enough to try with me.
That I wasn't worth the effort.
That I'll never be enough.

I don't want to accuse you of anything, but I can't help but question your intentions.
Did you really care about me, or was I just a temporary distraction?
Someone to fill the void until someone better came along?

I know I shouldn't blame you, but I do.
Because it's easier than facing the fact that I wasn't enough for you.
That I couldn't make you happy.
That I couldn't protect you.
That he'll always be first.
History trumps time right?
Good for the two of you.
I'm happy for you, truly I am.

I know I shouldn't have fallen in love with you.
But I couldn't help it.
You were everything I ever wanted, and I couldn't resist falling for you.

I'm sorry for being a burden.
For causing you pain.
For being the start of an argument that was already brewing at the surface.
For being the one who joined the call, but never really belonged.
I just happen to be online as well.
I'll always just be a footnote in your story, and that's okay.
I'll be fine.

For now, I'll just have to learn to live with the pain.
I've loved others before that didn't love me back. So why would this be any different.

I hope you find everything you're looking for.
And I hope you never have to feel the pain of unrequited love.
Because no one deserves that kind of hurt.

Chapter Text

In the mirror's cold gaze, I see a fool,

“I hate how polite you are.”

But it was my fault.
I welcomed everyone in, with a smile. just like they told me to.

“I hate how nice you are.”

But I wanted to be kind. Politeness my shroud, kindness my tool. If they do then maybe they'll like me too, isn't that what I'm supposed to want?

“You are such a people pleaser, do you even love yourself? You, so gentle, a people's delight,
Do you ever pause, in self's own light”

but I can't...
That's why I want you to love yourself. if you love yourself maybe there'll be enough left over for me…

“You can't keep giving yourself away, You'll have nothing left, nothing to stay.”

But how can I not? It feels like all I have to offer. A smile, a kind word, a listening ear. But in the mirror, I see a fool.

“Love yourself first, before all else, For only then can you truly give, And not just pretend, for others to live.”

It's not for others I pretend!

I wear the mask for myself… If I'm kind, quiet and polite. Maybe I'm a good person. Maybe I'm not the awful monster I feel under my skin, daring me to rip into everyone around me!

The haunting thoughts of how easy it could be to just be heartless. How easy it could be to play out every sick fantasy, and reveal how good another's blood must taste between my sharp teeth.

Do you think it's easy to be kind? How strange I find it that most can be cruel…

I am nothing but a monster who grinds their teeth until they're dull. I bite my tongue until it bleeds, that red I crave, sweeter than any forbidden fruit.

Don't remind me how much I hate myself… Be thankful… I love you more… to keep that monster on a chain.

“But do you? If that monster is so dangerous. Why let it only hurt you? If you are the good person, why should you be punished”

I don't know…

Chapter Text

Had a strange dream and needed to write about it. Unusually, I was even able to remember all the details about it. So I work as a security guard for my day job. My manager, another supervisor, and I were called to a warehouse that looked like a building normally guarded by me most nights.

The two coworkers I was with normally don't even work at this building. This building in real life is a 3D printing factory for car parts. But in the dream, it was almost like a warehouse store, something similar to Costco or Sam’s Club.

When the dream started me and the two coworkers were doing a round, we walked the building's perimeter while checking doors and lights. Whatever this building is, it's getting ready to close for the night. We were talking about being ready to go and about some of the interesting stuff we saw on the shelves that would be cool to come back and check out after our shift when the store was open.

I found this display of welcome home merchandise. It was a Frank Frankly display of him in a Frankenstein’s monster costume. Which if you are a fan of WH this is a little out of place. As I checked what I thought was a toy out, it turned out it was chocolate and there were two versions of the chocolate. One where Frank was simply a hollow piece of chocolate, the kind you can get during the holidays.

The other had a piece that was chocolate but had cereal chips so that if you broke the mouthpiece off it looked like he had teeth. At first, this creeped me out until someone else I'm guessing someone who worked at the building and was familiar with the merchandise explained.

“Oh, that's from the new game. Frank normally just stands there until night time then he turns back into a vampire.” Frank the character in Welcome Home normally dresses up as a vampire so this made sense. But in real life, Welcome Home doesn't have a game out.

After being confused about the chocolate, I kind of just forget about it and move on. After finding a fnaf pop-up toy. The toy is a small box with windows so you can see a nightmare bear from the game inside.

When shaking the box I found that the bear would change shape when shaken one way it would be like one of the nightmares mini Freddy bears. When shaken the other way it would just look like a normal Freddy bear. I thought it was really cool. Being a new fan of this franchise and more familiar with it, the toy didn't scare me like the Welcome Home chocolate did at first.

My coworkers after a while realized it was time for us to leave.

I didn't put the Freddy toy back.

As we were leaving I knew what I was doing. I was stealing the toy. The guy letting us out looked familiar and he also could tell I was taking something but he didn't really seem to care too much in the moment unless I made eye contact or my coworkers did. Once we got out of the building I took the hoodie I was wearing around my waist and wrapped it around the small box toy. My coworkers were about to give me a ride home and then I woke up.

It's been a while since I've had a dream like this. And no this isn't normal behavior for me during my job. I just found it strange other than the guy who explained the Frank chocolate to me. Everyone in my dream I was somewhat familiar with. My supervisor and manager from a site that they don't normally work together with or with me. The guy letting us out after our shift.

It felt oddly specific with everything including what I ended up stealing. The teeth part with the chocolate bothers me because the last time I dreamt about teeth the dream stuck to me to this day.

A small summary of that one and I will warn this gets kinda of gross and distributing.

The last dream I had about teeth, was throwing them up like a bag of wet sand but they felt like very small seashells. And that was just really awful.

So the chocolate although after the initial shock and upon further examination saw that it was just a creative way of using cereal. Kind of rubs me the wrong way. I'm down for a good scare occasionally, but this felt very personal, so I thought I shared it here. This collection of poems is mostly how I get out confusing emotions. I don't plan on sharing all my dreams. This one was just too strange not to.

Chapter Text

The crisp autumn air filled my lungsJust as the leaves began to turn did I find myself falling into a new world. Taking in the vibrant colors. As I turned the corner, I saw you standing there, a ray of sunshine in the midst of the falling leaves. You were the unexpected, it was a pleasant surprise.

You smiled at me and my heart skipped a beat. I couldn't help but think how lucky I was to have you in my life. You were my unexpected joy, my sweet surprise. Every moment with you was like finding a treasure hidden in the pumpkin patch. A fruit sweeter than any treat I could find dropped into a jack-o'-lantern from a beloved neighbor.

With you, every day felt like a new adventure. You showed me a world I never knew existed, and I was grateful for the renewal you brought into my life. Your smile was like a warm fire on a chilly autumn night, and I couldn't help but feel a warmth in my chest every time I saw it.

Your soul is a beautiful thing, my love. It shone brightly, radiating love and kindness to everyone around you. You are one of my favorite persons, my all in all. I saw hearts and diamonds in the Halo of your love, and I felt so blessed to be the one you chose to share it with.

I can't wait to see what other beautiful surprises life has in store for us, my darling. With you by my side, I know that every season will be filled with love, joy, and happiness.

Thank you for being my unexpected joy, my sweet surprise. My peach.

Chapter Text

On a path unseen by most.
Where my heart leads me without boast
I wander free, my feet in tune.

With the rhythm of my heart's hewn.
This desire path I walk with more than one.
For my love's journey is uniquely not just my own.

No footsteps guide my way.
But my heart knows where to stay, and where to go.

With every step, my heart aglows.
For it knows where my desires flow.
Through fields and forests, I tread.
Onward to where my love has led.

The earth beneath my feet gives way.
Never shattering but only giving way.

As I crave for love's embrace each day.
The desired path I have chosen.

For in this path, my love awaits
Beyond the twists and turns, the gates.

My heart beats faster, my pace quickens, as my desires, my heart finally beckons.The path ahead is rough and steep.

But my love, it's yours to keep.

No longer will I hide or fear.
For my desire path has brought me here.
With every step, my heart sings, of love's sweet melody that it brings.

I'll follow this desired path till the end.

For my love is waiting, my heart to mend.

So let the world see my desired path
It's more than just a trail, a mere path.

It's a journey of love, of finding self
Leading me to my truest wealth.

Chapter Text

My worsted fears, they haunt me in the night
They grip my heart, they fill me with fright
The thought of losing you, my dear

Leaves me trembling, consumed by fear
You stay, but slowly you wilt and decay
Caught in a hellish world, day after day
I see you struggle, I feel your pain
And I'm helpless, unable to contain
But then you go, and it's even worse
Out of the frying pan, into the fire's curse
I worry for you, my protector and friend

Will he keep you safe, until the very end?
My heart agonizes as you venture away
Into the unknown, in a place I cannot stay
What if he doesn't protect you, like I should
Leaving you alone, in a world so cruel and misunderstood?

But then, you go and never return
My heart shatters, in ways I cannot discern
I beg and plead, for you to stay
But you're gone, and I'm left in dismay
Please, stay with me, I need you here
In this terrifying world, filled with so much fear

You're my light, my solace, my guiding star
Without you, I'm just a lost and broken jar
My worsted fears, they grip me tight
But with you by my side, I'll face the night

Together, we'll conquer, we'll overcome
For in your arms, my fears are undone.
My guiding grace, my love, my lord. Stay safe.

Chapter Text

I know it won't solve anything.
But why does it have to hurt so much?
The pain, a burden too heavy to bear.
A weight that I can't seem to touch.

A heart, a fragile thing indeed…

Yet it carries a weight too great…

And as the saying goes, it's true.
A heart's a heavy burden, its fate,
I never wanted to be your burden.
To add to the weight you already bear.

But my heart, it aches for your touch…
It longs for you to hold me, to care.

I know it won't change a thing…

But why does it have to feel like this?
Our love, a beautiful tragedy,
A bittersweet, lingering kiss.
I want to let you go, to set you free,
But my heart, it clings to you…

For even though we may not be meant to be.
A part of me still wants you…

I don't want to be your burden,
But I still want you to hold me…

To ease the weight on my heart,
And set my restless soul free…

I know it won't solve anything.
But why does it have to hurt so much…

A heart's a heavy burden to carry.
But I'll carry it for you…

Chapter Text

I know I am just as bad as him. I did the same thing…
I still do the same things. I know it's selfish…
I want you to be happy. But I want to be happy with you too…
I don't think I make you happy…
I know they make you happy…
But you chose them over me before…
Didn't you?

That's what it felt like.
That's what it feels like. I don't want to be selfish.
But why can you just be mine?

Just mine.

Mine…
I'm a monster I know. But you wanted a beast at your side.
You had an ogre. A chimera. And now the undead knight…

What snarling beast can I be to keep you close?
A lion?
A bear?
A jackal?
A demon?

Or just a monster under the bed?
I don't know… But I want to be yours. I want you to be mine. Is that too much to ask? Am I too selfish? I don't know… But I know I love you… And I always will.

Chapter Text

I wish someone was obsessed with me,
As much as I am with you.
I wonder if I've done things right,
Or if everything I've done is wrong too.
Am I doing right by you,
Or have I destroyed everything?

I can't help but feel like I'm on the sidelines,
Waiting for someone to notice my longing.
I wanted to be your anchor,
To shelter and adore you with all my might.
But were my actions all a lie,
Just to fill my own need and right?

Now I feel adrift from everything,
What happened to the love we once knew?
Where is the family we were building,
Or was it all just a dream that never came true?
I'm scared that I've pushed you away,
With my overwhelming desire and devotion.

I'm sad that I may have lost your love,
And worried that I've caused a commotion.
I long for someone to be obsessed with me,
As much as I am with you.
I'm scared I've ruined everything…
I've been the problem before so why wouldn't I be again?

Chapter Text

When betrayal happens, it first burns in the gut
A flame of fury, a pit of despair. It simmers and bubbles, a cauldron of mut.

As we try to make sense of the deceitful affair.
It works its way up, like an angry, poisonous root…

Tangling and gripping, consuming any thoughts. A vine of malice, a coil of brute. Leaving us fractured, in fragments, distraught.

It infiltrates the heart, with its thorny embrace. A deadly tree, growing, feeding on pain. A husk of once love, now an empty space.

Leaving us hollow, our emotions drained…

It makes us forgetful, of the happy times. As it numbs our memories, with its wicked grasp.

Leaving us cold, in a world of dark limes, as we struggle to hold onto what once was.

I'll burn every picture, every reminder of before…

As the betrayal claws deeper, into your soul…

We'll open every window, to let in some more…

Of the light we once had, to try and make us whole…

But in the end, it's just a futile plea.

For the betrayal has taken root, deep inside. A husk of who I was , is all that will be…

An empty womb for the tree of life, fruits only for the wicked. As we nurture the deadly tree, it grows and thrives! It lives… in all of us…

Through the husk, we'll find strength…

To rise above the pain, and start anew. For even though we are many, we feel the length..

Of the betrayal's hold.

Break through to let betrayal burn, in the depths of God's gut. For we'll emerge stronger, with hearts that shine…

For in the end, it's just a temporary rut…
And our husk will blossom, into a beautiful vine.

Chapter Text

They say those who understand, are the ones who will stay and listen. Through the pages of my story, words written in foreign language. But spoken in the same tongue.

Those who hold the solutions without actions, words are wasting in direction. And in the midst of the chaos, they’ll be lost to time. Leading me towards victory only in their own minds.

I never wanted a knight to come climbing up my tower, with his shining armor and sword. To save me from myself?

For I've known no mother nor Father, just my goddess, her bull white and true; the moon herself.

My lady Selene, daughter of Gaia and Uranus, sister of Helios. Champion of the night's chariot.

For the dragon at my doorstep; is not my captor or foe. But my fierce goddess, my protector, my soul. She knows when to hold back.

When to unleash the fire of the nine circles of hell.
She’s not just my guard. But my mentor, my guide, She’ll take me into battle. With no hesitation or question,

For she knows the strength within me and trusts in my passion.

And when he comes, my knight. I hope he sees me as his equal, Not a dame to be saved,
But a flame in my own right. Who burns just as bright as he.

Together we’ll ride dragons, into the depths of the night.

Chapter Text

I know when someone doesn't like me, the signs are very clear for me to see.

The forced smiles and the cold stares, the awkward silences, the lack of care.

You don't have to lie to me.

I rather you say it, than hurt me with silence,
Let's not prolong this pretense. You could at least be an adult about it…

I hate that I can sense the ice breaking, but I know I can't outrun it, it's just waiting. I don't want to plead to be liked, just to be kind.

If you don't want me around, just say it outright.
Please don't yank me back when I try to pull away!

It only adds to the hurt, it doesn't make me stay.
I can see that you're hurting too…

But what did I do to deserve this treatment from you?

Doubling down on empty promises, showering me in gifts I didn't ask for…

Do you think me stupid? Now that be the emotional gymnastics I'd like to see…

Sending your dogs after my rabbits?

That was a low blow, I couldn't fathom it. Goodness, thank God I wanted to be bitten!
The fang that bit the moon.

Did you think I would never find out?

That those words were meant to hurt, no doubt.
So many unwritten letters…

I could say the same, and my inkwells would never run dry.

I know I'm just a placeholder… I don't need your reminders… Cereal criminals call me their lover for their own gain… Your pity was never requested, I have enough of my own.

Devil's blood runs strong in me, I know I'm a monster, do you?

Temporary fixes, sugar pills to bear. To hide the pain. I've become good at my job, it's my special healing.

But I can see through the bull shit. It's only a matter of time before I get hit.

And still, I stand there shocked and dismayed, as if I didn't see the arrow come right at me. Aimed and dipped in honey…

So go ahead and say it, if you don't like me, I can take it. But please, don't keep me waiting, I rather know the truth than be turned to ash. I'll rip myself open if it would help?

But bleeding hearts ain't what you crave, is it? The fat of my hide to cook your next…

But I'll always wonder, what did I do wrong? To deserve this hurt, for so long and I learn to accept it?

Oh right.. it's in my DNA…

Chapter Text

A man who asks for help, is just as strong as a man who stands alone. But we live in a world where strength is tied to pride and asking for help is seen as weakness inside…

The arrows in my quiver are not sharp enough to pierce through the pain that I try to cover up…
I know I'm weak… I was never built to fight…

I am a silent flame. Lost in the dark, burning with self-hate and hiding my scars…
The drowning child. Screaming for air, but my voice is muted by the weight of despair
I know I should ask for help…

But I don't deserve it…I am just a monster…
And I deserve to be punished…
I can't escape. This the hell I rot onto myself… I don't deserve any embrace…
This endless cycle of shame with no way to be cured…

I am the one to blame… But I am tired. Tired of carrying the weight of my mistakes on my shoulders… Tired of pretending to be strong when all I want to do is break down and cry… Tired of fighting this battle alone… I wish I had the strength to swallow my pride…

Chapter Text

“You set my soul ablaze.” Said the candle to the match.

“You breathe new air into my life.” Said the hot air balloon to the flame.

“You ignite the spark in my heart.” Said the fireworks to the lighter.

“You are the light that guides me home.” Said the ship to the lighthouse.

“You are the love within me.” Said the heart to the soul.

“Please never let your light go out.” Said the match to the candle.

“Please fly as high as your heart desires.” Said the flame to the hot air balloon.

“You bring so much color to my life.” Said the lighter to the fireworks.

“You will always have a home with me.” Said the lighthouse to the ship.

“I am nothing without you.” Said the heart to the soul.

Chapter Text

You're not the villain…

Let me repeat myself, You are not the fucking villain.

You were given a shit deal…

That doesn't change the shity things you've done or changed the shity things done to you.

But that doesn't excuse them either.

You're not the villain.

You're not the hero either.

And fuck you, everyone is a victim…

I'm sorry they hurt you… I'm sorry they hurt them… I'm sorry they hurt me…

Fuck your fairy tale ending where the villain gets what's coming to them. Sometimes people just suck… and no one gets punished… it's sucks but that's fucking life sometimes…

That doesn't make them this all powerful creature or you a meek rat hiding and waiting to raise up and infest the world.

The Earth is made up of 83% of shit…

15% you can see what grows from it…

But that remaining 2% is where the beauty lies, and you are a part of that 2%...

You may have made mistakes, said or done hurtful things. But that doesn't define you, it doesn't make you the villain.

We all have our demons, our past struggles.
But that doesn't mean we can't grow, we can't evolve.

It's time to shed that victim mentality… I know it's hard… Damn it we all fucking do…

Take responsibility for your own reality… if they won't tell you, take it from me. And you can still hate me at the end of the fucking day because I hate me too!

That one you can have for free! No charge for hate because fuck you. It's yours now. Now fucking own it or move on, I don't give a fuck.

It's time to grow up, to learn and to forgive… don't forget… just forgive yourself… because you still have to look at yourself every morning…

Let go of grudges and learn to live… What's the point of so much hate if it doesn't amount to anything?

You're not the villain, you're not the hero…
You're just a human…

Trying to find your way… just like every fucking one else…

It's okay to make mistakes…

So let go of the blame, the shame, and the pain…

Embrace your flaws, and learn to tame…
The monsters within, the doubts and fears. Those aren't weapons or armor… they're just scars…

You are not the villain…

You are a work in progress, a masterpiece in the making and every scar, every wound, is just a lesson worth taking… even if it didn't feel like it… even if it wasn't fair…

Life's not fair…

It's cruel and then we die…

So don't let them define you…

For you are not the villain, you wear a different crown…

Let go of the past, and embrace the now…

It's time to grow up, to rise and take a bow…

You are not the villain, you're just a lost soul…
But it's time to find your way, and take back control.

Chapter Text

Is it really that simple?
To pack up all of my things, tape up each box, and spread broken wings?

It's a challenge… A leap of faith I won't see the bottom coming up too soon…

Filled with worry and alarm..I can't help but feel a pang… “Am I better invisible than seen?”...

As I look at all my memories…
Nostalgia, it's a bittersweet thing…

A piece of paper is all am and have amounted to…

A blank canvas…

As I pack up my life's stories, I'm sad to leave this old home…

Even this toxic pit was mine, at one point in time… but it became my cage…

I'm scared, but also excited for what's to come
It's a mix of emotions, I'll admit…

But should I feel guilty for being numb?

We said it was okay to move on…

To start fresh in a brand new place…

But why am I still scared to prove that I can adapt and embrace?

I stand on thin ice unsure and afraid…

Will it be a welcome home or see you next show?

I want to keep moving forward…

I'm worried about the unknown…
And what I may lack…

Am I just temporary?

And in the end, if I find bliss… will it be a temporary fix…

So yes, it may be that simple, to just pack up and move on…

But for me I'm scared and don't know who to turn to… I'm just scared…

Chapter Text

Pawpaw, I lost my first tooth! Can you tell the fairy thank you for my quarter?

Pawpaw, whatcha doin? Can I watch your Western with you?

Pawpaw, Grand’s at work. Can we go listen to the radio?

Pawpaw, I got a star in class today! Can you hang it on the refrigerator?

Pawpaw, can you make me a Boston cooler?

Pawpaw, why don't the other kids let me play too?

Pawpaw, can we go to the library together?

Pawpaw… who's that lady?

Pawpaw, I don't like being a big sister… I don't think they like me…

Pawpaw, why does my Mom like her better?

Pawpaw, if I were a boy you'd still like me right?

Pawpaw, you'll always be my angel.

Pawpaw, I don't wanna move. How are we gonna watch the clouds go by?

Pawpaw, you'll be okay, look I drew you a picture!

Pawpaw, remember how we played all day at the park until the sun went down? Let's do that again!

Pawpaw, I didn't know you had a big brother!

Pawpaw, who's all these people?

Pawpaw? Where'd you go?

Pawpaw, why's Grand crying?

Pawpaw, I'm scared. Can I sleep with you tonight?

Pawpaw… I miss you…

Chapter Text

There are no volcanoes in Michigan,
But my heart still feels like it's burning,
Trapped in the palm of a mitten,
My world feels like it's turning.
Born and raised in this familiar land,
Comfortable in its embrace,
But as I grow, I begin to understand,
That I need to leave this place.
These threads that tighten around me,
Constricting my every move,
I long to break free and be free,
But fear and doubts constantly prove.
My paintbrush, once a source of joy,
Now lies broken and unused,
My inkwells, once full of vibrant colors,
Now lay dry and unamused.
Onyx wings and feathered promises,
Whispered dreams of far-off lands,
But I'm still scared, my heart full of tremors,
Of leaving everything I know behind, my hands shaken with fear.
Will I still be me?
I'm scared… I repeat. I am scared.
I'm scared of traveling, scared of change,
Of leaving my comfort zone, of jumping the gun, of overstaying my welcome, of being me.
But maybe it's just nerves?
I've faced my fears before,but this time is different,
Embrace the unknown and go out alone.
For in the end, I'll have a new home,
And a heart that's finally grown.
No, there are no volcanoes in Michigan, so why do you still see ash on the horizon?
Because I'm still scared…

Chapter Text

Well... Hello there. What are you doing, neighbor?

Peeking through the window, are you a savior?

Come now... let's go Home...

I promise, I won't leave you alone.

We went inside, the darkness consumed us whole,

My beating heart, it took its toll.

I can see you, lurking in the shadows,

But can you see me, with my eyes so hollow?

I welcome you to my humble abode,

Where secrets are kept, and stories untold.

Do you hear the whispers, they call your name,

Or is it just me, playing a twisted game?

The walls have ears, they hear every sound,

But they won't tell, they know you're bound.

To this place, where you can't escape,

Caught in my strings, like a helpless puppet.

Do you feel my breath, upon your neck?

Or is it just the wind, that makes you wreck?

My footsteps, they echo in your mind,

But you can't run, you're too confined.

Together we'll stay, in this eerie place,

Where time stands still, and darkness embrace.

I'll be your neighbor, and you'll be mine,

In this never-ending, creepy entwine.

So come now, let's go home,

Where you and I, are meant to roam.

But remember, you can never leave,

For this is where, your soul will grieve.

ko-fi.com/kittydoodlearts

Chapter Text

Attendance.

I have been told I'm never present in the moment.

That I'm always off in my own world, that I do not care about others that are around me. That I do not see how much pain and hurt I cause them. How much I take, how much I have stolen away and killed…

My dreams aren't real…

I don't have a world of my own.

Everything I have is because of someone else.

I am not original…

I'm just a copy…

So why does it still hurt?

Why can't I have a moment to think. If I had a moment to think then maybe I would have thought about you.

Like when you called me lazy, when I spent a week in bed hidden away from the world.

When you called me dirty, when I didn't shower for a month.

Like when I was a slut because I wanted to feel something, I slept with the first person who saw me…

I'm not here…

I never was there…

I'll never be in the moment…

Absent.

Chapter Text

The ink inside of me gets everywhere…

It reaches into every corner, under doors and through locks I thought were impossible to open.

But somehow… it got in…

It sometimes rages like a sea caught up in a storm of my own selfishness.

It sticks to my ribs, making it hard to breathe.

It tastes like battery acid.

It burns like the coldest wind.

It's warm and thick and hard to remove and clean.

Everything sticks to it and it sticks to everything.

The ink never dries the same color…

It's always different.

I don't know where it comes from…

…That's a lie…

I know where the leaks are coming from…

But if I patch it up now…

The inky sea that fills the lake at the bottom of my tower…

Will turn green… like some kind of villain out of a children's movie…

And then the battle starts again….

I tried growing wings to fly away from it…

But they only got stained…

No matter how fast I try to run up the steps, I either trip and slide back down. Or worse the tower rises, higher in the sky.

The way down is faster than the way up…

It's easy to hide things up high…

Chapter Text

Life comes in cycles...

My mother said the only person I should ever need is her...

My mother said the only person she needed was me...

My mother hates me...

My mother believed I hated her...

I was scared of her...

The only person I ever needed was you...

You told me the only other person you needed was me...

You believed I hated you...

I'm scared of you...

When is the next cycle supposed to begin?

Chapter Text

I have an uncanny ability,
A gift that feels like a curse,
For it never saves anything,
Especially myself, it's the worst.
I knew when things would end,
Could see it from a mile away,
But I couldn't stop it from happening,
No matter how hard I prayed.
I knew they needed someone different,
So I found them someone new,
And though they're happy now,
I can't help feeling blue.
I'm not jealous of their joy,
I'm truly happy for them,
But I can't help but wish,
I could've done better, I condemn.
I knew they hated me,
They wished I'd mind my own way,
But I couldn't watch them suffer,
I couldn't just turn away.
I fell in love, or so I thought,
But now I question if it's real,
For I see how much he loves,
And I don't want to steal.
I can feel that I don't belong,
Not here and not there,
You don't want me around,
You know I won't make things better.
I don't belong anywhere,
I deserve to just suffer,
For I'm not real, I don't fit in,
I don't belong, I just suffer.
This feeling of loneliness,
It eats away at my soul,
For I don't fit in anywhere,
And that's just how it goes.
I wish I could find my place,
But it seems it's not meant to be,
For I don't belong anywhere,
I'm just lost, can't you see?
So I'll continue to suffer,
In silence and in pain,
For I'm not real, I don't belong,
In this world, I'm just a stain.

Chapter Text

When will I start living? I don't think I want to know the answer…

I am just a lost soul, wandering this world with no direction or purpose. My power is nonexistent and my truth is a lie. I am a fraud, pretending to be someone I am not just to please others. My powerlessness consumes me, suffocating any sense of self-worth or confidence.

“Step into your power and your truth shall be revealed.”

…What a bunch of bull shit…

Step into your power? What a joke. I have no power, no truth, no hope…

What power do I have? I hold no authority over anything, including myself. No control, nor a way to know how I would, even know how to use it.

I wish I could say the hurtful things without feeling the need to sandwich them into niceties to save face. I wish I could be the awful villain in someone's fairy tale, so maybe I would understand why I feel so damn guilty for putting my foot down…

I don't have any power…

When will I stop seeking validation from people who don't care? When will I start living for myself and not for others? When will I find my power? But most importantly, when will I stop feeling so damn powerless?

The only power I seem to have is hindsight…

I'm not good enough for me so how can I be good enough for anyone else?

In the face of adversity, the strong find their calling, but the scream for my throat is broken and weak; begging for everything to be ended already.

When will I stop wanting to just die?

Chapter Text

I'm finding it harder and harder to believe that things will work out...

That once every card is laid out...

You won't see what you thought was on the package.

That I'll be another mistaken purchase... a waste of time…

I'm scared.

I'm scared you've made a mistake. I'm scared I've made a mistake!

I'm scared… I'm the monster... I've been running from my whole life.

And if I'm... Maybe it's for the best that you don't continue to love me…

Because you fought enough demons…

Chapter Text

It's happened again. One moment I'm calm. Not a thought to haunt, my cobwebbed mind. But then suddenly, I'm thrown into chaos. Drowning in a sea of ink. Of my own fears and doubts. A mess I've made all my own.

Did I make a mistake?

Why are you looking At me with those accusing eyes? What did I do? What did you do? No it can't be fixed it's already broken!

What time is it? There's no time left…

How long have we been dancing? How long have my feet been bleeding, step one, step two, step seven, step twelve.

As I slip on the ink left on the staircase. Tumbling down.

I bruise my knees praying that I was the problem, my wrist hurts as you squeeze. Didn't you see the fear in my eyes?

I could see the cold in yours…

So why didn't you stop?

But I can't seem to stop…

What have I done? I don't understand.

But I know I must get ready, I can't be late. I'm sorry, I don't know what I did wrong.

Please stop looking at me!

With that shattered heart in your hands
I know I broke you!

I'm sorry… I didn't mean to… it would be different if I was just a child…

My mind was a tangled mess, panic, confusion, and desperation…

I didn't have a life so what life do I owe you now?

Flowers don't grow in a greasy box… I can't raise a future with you if today is so trapped. That child within you is not an omen, but I'm sorry they're so hurt. I wish I could have been the family they needed long ago…

No more playing house you can't be the dog and the bacon…

We have to choose.

Will you blame me?

After I'm gone?

But then suddenly the music starts and we're dancing again…

Has the clock struck twelve yet?

Just a thirteen hangs in the sky as I wish you luck…

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I sat and listened to your fears. I listened to what scared you most and what made you cry...

"Hey I'm sorry... Um, can I tell you about my day? no? oh okay..." It's fine... Maybe you couldn't handle the air burning in my throat. The silent scream burning down my cheeks

"Oh you had a bad day? …and now you're gonna vent? Oh... okay...?" I was already full. But guess I can listen… Can you at least ask? Now you're crying? What did I do? When I sob in the dark… It's always quiet.

I stopped asking if you're okay because I was already full. Sorry that made me a monster…

"Oh that bothered them? Why didn't they say it themselves? Afraid of me? what did I do?" I don't scream when hurt but I will say you hurt mean and I wish you didn't… Guess that was wrong of me to say the truth… I stay silent…

Even when you stare down your nose at me... I have empathy and I feel guilty...

But maybe don't tell the already muted radio… to shut up when you've had a bad day...

or at least say sorry, yourself if you actually meant it… I'm sorry you never asked me if I was okay…

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By tomorrow, it'll be two weeks… Since we said our goodbyes…

Since we each took our separate paths…
And spread our wings to fly.

By tomorrow, I'll be on my way… To a new life, a new start.

Leaving behind the memories. That once held my heart…

My racing heart and mind… Will find that final stretch.

As I leave behind the pain…
And embrace what's coming next…
My feet have been aching,
From running up these stairs…
For so long I've climbed and climbed…
In search of healing and repairs,
But tomorrow, each step,
Feels slippery and cruel.

As if the walls around me; are mocking my every rule. Ink runs down the walls…
Of my tower, my town, my home…

As if the very essence of my past is being blown…

But I beg, oh. But I beg…

Just let me take one more step. I need to see the top. I have to see what's left…

If I fall now…
Will you still be up there?

In the room we've been dreaming of?

In our hearts, we've shared?

By tomorrow, I pray…

For my heart and my love…

To let go of all my fears. And to finally be divine
For I am scared, my love.

It's true.

Of what lies ahead…

But with you by my side…

I'll have nothing to dread.

So by tomorrow, let the heart and love be one.
As I step into the unknown…

Holding onto your hand…

With our love, I have grown.

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My stomach does a flip and a twirl.
Like a ballerina on stilts…

Wasn't it just yesterday I was 6?
Now almost 30, time won't slow down.
I haven't driven, I haven't flown.
Haven't been me in a long time…

Wasn't it just yesterday I was 9?
Now almost 30, taking my first steps.
Well not really the first, but the first for me…
I haven't eaten this, I haven't seen that.
Haven't been me in a long time…

Wasn't it just yesterday I was 14?
Now I'm almost 30, and I wanna go home.
Has been my mantra since I first found out…

Maybe I'm better off alone…

I've never been on my own…

Haven't walked my first steps without a guided hand.

Haven't seen what it's like to be me… alone…

I'll be 30 soon and I haven't done a lot…

Wasn't it just yesterday, I wasn't myself?

Chapter Text

Oh God I think I'm in love?
I stare at my screen, my face feels hot.
No no. It's okay, that was just really funny.
That's so cool, we like the same things.
I could talk to you for hours, oh God is it that late already? I'll talk to you tomorrow? Cool.

Oh God, why am I so awkward?

Oh hey! You're online again! Yeah, that was fun yesterday. You make me smile so much. Of course I can hang out! Goodness, look at the time.

Oh God, I didn't think I could find anyone like me.

Good morning! Oh? Are you okay? A bad day. It's okay. No no. I don't mind. Of course we can talk. You're really nice and I want to be your friend. Good night, I hope tomorrow is better.

Oh God, I hope I didn't make it worse.

Oh hey! How are you? That's good, I'm glad. Mm? Me? Oh I'm fine. No really I'm okay. Hey look at this funny picture I found. Oh? Yeah we can talk later.

Oh God, I think I miss them already.

Mm? Oh! Hey it's you! Yeah I'm good! How are—? Oh ha— that's so funny we asked at the same time. It's like you can read my mind. I've been good. I missed talking to you.

Oh God, my face is hot again…

They're so nice!
They're so easy to talk to!
We like the same things! We finish each other's sentences!
Ha… we laugh at the same things… I want to know how their day is going.

They ask about mine…

Oh God, my chest feels tight…

Oh! Hey yeah! That sounds like fun! Yes! Of course.

I nod and smile.
Giggle and blush.

Then I catch you staring at me back…

Wow, your cheeks are so red.

Ha I'm sorry I'm so awkward.

Huh?

You don't think I'm awkward? That's funny because— oh um… never mind. Huh? Oh! Yeah I'd love to talk tomorrow.

Oh God… I'm falling for them… damnit… ha… I'm so awkward.

I check my phone. Wait… what?

That's not real?

Oh… you do? Ha… M—me too.

I'm glad I ran into you…

Chapter Text

Long ago, in the kingdom of heaven, there lived a child named Samuel. He was the eldest of all the angel siblings and was known to be the most beautiful of them all. His darkened locks and sparkling obsidian eyes were the envy of all. Wings of wishing flowers and a new creation that God was excited to bring to her children. A heart made of pure empathy.

Samuel was a kind and gentle soul, always ready to lend a helping hand to his fellow angels. His heart was filled with love and compassion, and he was always eager to spread joy and happiness wherever he went. He was God's light after all.

However, Samuel was also burdened with a heavy secret that no other angel knew except for God herself.

Growing up, Samuel had always known that he wasn't the first to carry the light and the one who came before him; his shadow hung over him and his siblings.

The devil was once an archangel in heaven before his pride and jealousy led him to rebel against God. As a result, he was cast out of heaven and became the ruler of hell. His name was now whispered in fear and disgust, and his presence was forbidden in the kingdom of heaven. Lucifer.

Samuel's predecessor’s fall from grace was a constant reminder to him that even the most exalted beings could succumb to temptation and sin. He was privy to a knowledge that no other angel had, except for God. Samuel knew that the devil was not born evil, but rather, he chose to become that way. And this realization made him question the grand design of God.

As he grew older, Samuel saw how humans on Earth lived their lives, constantly seeking God's approval by doing good deeds and following his teachings. But he also saw the chaos and suffering that plagued their world. It made him wonder if there was even a point to it all. Did their actions truly matter in the grand scheme of things?

This realization filled Samuel with a certain bitterness towards God. He found it cruel that she would create a world filled with pain and suffering, only to demand blind faith and obedience from her creations. And so, he kept his thoughts to himself, for he knew that speaking out against God would only lead to trouble.

But as time passed, Samuel's siblings began to see the truth as well. And together, they came to the understanding that there was no point to their existence. They were merely toys in a game played by a higher being, with no say or control over their own fates.

Their thoughts and actions were guided by a script written by an all-knowing and unpredictable God. And that realization filled them with a sense of hopelessness and melancholy.

One day, God caught wind of their rebellion and cast Samuel and his siblings out of heaven, just as she had done before. But unlike the devil, they were not given any tools or power. They were left to fend for themselves, armed only with the knowledge that the world was nothing but chaos.

And so, Samuel and his siblings descended to Earth, where they roamed aimlessly, trying to make sense of their existence. With every step they took, they were reminded of their insignificance in the grand design of things.

Samuel's once beautiful face was now marred with a hint of wickedness and a tinge of sadness. For he had seen the truth, and it had shattered his innocent beliefs. He had become the child of the devil, not by choice, but by fate. And as he stared at the endless chaos of the world, he couldn't help but wonder, was it all worth it?

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I don't feel pretty, I never have…
The mirror shows a face that I can't love.
My flaws and imperfections, they stand so strong.
Reminding me that I don't belong.
You don't have to lie, to make me feel good…

I know the truth, I'm not misunderstood…
I see the way you look at me, with pity in your eyes…
I know I don't do it for you, I can't deny.

I try to ignore, the voices in my head.
Telling me I'm not enough, filling me with dread.
I wish I could see the appeal that you say is there…

But the reflection in the mirror, tells me to stay away…
I'm jealous of those, who have it all
Beauty and confidence, standing tall…

I love you, it's true, but I can't help the way I feel…

When I see you, my insecurities are real…

Maybe we're just friends, that's all it's meant to be…

I'm sorry if I wanted, something I couldn't have
I know I'm not what you wanted, I'm not your dream half…

But I'll keep trying, to see my beauty within…

And maybe one day, I'll learn to love my skin…

Chapter Text

I don't know how to explain,
The pain I feel inside,
When you unknowingly inflict,
Wounds that I can't hide.
It's not fair for me to be upset,
I know you didn't mean to hurt,
But every time you pull away,
My heart begins to spurt.
I know I'm just like him,
And I'm sorry for that fact,
I never wanted to be a reminder,
Of the ones who caused you to retract.
I want to give you a chance,
To show you who I am,
But the fear of rejection,
Makes it hard to take a stand.
So I keep it all inside,
And let the tears fall down,
Afraid of being a burden,
And causing you to frown.
But the pain inside me grows,
As I compare myself to your past,
Seeing all the ways I'm similar,
And feeling like I'm not meant to last.
I know it's my own self-hatred,
That's causing all this pain,
But I can't seem to shake it off,
No matter how hard I strain.
I want to be a part of your happiness,
But I feel like a monster in disguise,
Just waiting to creep out,
And destroy what you hold dear in your eyes.
I know I'm no different,
From the ones who hurt you before,
And it breaks my heart to think,
That I could potentially cause you more.
I try to push it all away,
And ignore the constant noise,
But it's getting too loud to bear,
And I fear it's drowning out my voice.
I want to speak up and be heard,
But I'm afraid of being seen as a creep,
So I stay silent and suffer,
As the self-hate continues to seep.
I wish I could just love myself,
And be confident and strong,
But for now, I'll keep on hurting,
And silently singing this self-hate song.

Chapter Text

God is a room full of strangers, singing about you'll never be loved like the way you can love another.

God is a room full of strangers, whose voices are a symphony of love, each word a note, each heart a singer.

A heavenly choir from up above.

They sing of love, in every tongue, in every tone, in every key.

Their melodies, like streams that run, flowing through that room are so free.

Their voices speak of life and light, of all the beauty that surrounds them.

And in this room, they shine so bright.

A chorus that never resounds.

As God moves through, they can feel his wrath, her touch. Their presents.

The warmth of every heart and soul.
The dream of every mind wandered too far.
The gift was only laid before those willing to accept it.

In that room, where strangers reveal. Their love makes the broken whole.

Each one a different story.

But together, a masterpiece.

For in this room, there is no judgment.
No fear, no hate, no pain.

Only love that's ever present.

God moves through that room as you can hear each voice pass by you.

They speak in every language, in every tone, in every rhythm of life.

But only when you listen to all the voices, can you understand the song that brings beauty in the empty room full of strangers.

A peace that will forever reign.

So listen closely to their voices.

As they sing of love so true.

For in this room, with all its choices.

God's love will always see you through.

And as you join in their song, You'll find a love that's pure and real.

A love that's been there all along within you.

So in this room full of strangers.

Chapter Text

Just because it won't stay the same for long, doesn't mean it wasn't important at that moment. Life is a fleeting thing.

Ever-changing, ever-moving.

One moment we're soaring high, next, we're brought crashing down.

But in the midst of all this flux, we find moments of pure bliss.

Times that seem to stand still, even when everything else changes.

Just because it won't stay the same.

Doesn't mean it wasn't important at that moment. We find meaning, we find purpose.

The sun may set and the leaves may fall, but the memories we hold dear.

They stay with us forever.

Nourishing our souls, calming our fears.

So cherish each passing moment.

Embrace it with all your might.

It may not last forever.

Life may be chaotic, life may be wild; within it lies beauty untold.

Just because it won't stay the same. Doesn't mean it wasn't important at that moment.

Chapter Text

Oh reliable friend, always there for me
Showing up on time, a pillar of stability
With sound advice, I turn to you.

A shoulder to cry on, judgment always true.

A smile for those in need, you give so freely
But who's there for you when you feel weary?
Do they come running when you walk away?
Or do they take you for granted, day after day?
Does anyone notice when the walls close in?
Or when the darkness feels too bitter within?
Is there a hand out to pull you through?

Or do you have to face it all, on your own, true blue?

Where's your Knight in shining armor; To slay the dragons in your mind?

The ones that coil around your heart.

Hoarding the love you've given, so kind.
When do you get to strike back?

And put your foot down, claim what you lack.
Why do you always put your neck on the line?

And receive only the bare minimum, time after time.

Who goes above and beyond, just for you?
Remembering the small details, that make you, you.

Bringing flowers to a garden with none.
A movie in hand, and a blanket for when you're done.

The one to make your favorite meal;

Not because you ask, but because they feel that you're hungry, for more than just food.
But for love and appreciation, that's been subdued.

Where's the one who holds you close
As you sob, and long after you doze.
From the pain of a long work day.
Where's your hug, at the end of the fray?

Oh reliable friend, it's time you know.
You deserve to receive, not just to bestow.
Your kindness and love; should be reciprocated.
Not taken for granted, or underestimated.
Butterflies may flutter, venting out this plea.
For someone to see, the sadness in your plea.
Loneliness may cling to your heart so dear…

Chapter Text

What you deserved vs what you have earned, can be the defining factor of your self worth.

The moment we are born it is expected that you should be loved.

But who is the one to determine that?
Your family?
Society?
God?

As you grow up life shows all its facets to everyone of us. The light that shines through the crystal ball of your existence.

Will determine if that view is gorgeous as the sea or unforgiving as the ocean.

Carrying the weight of one's heart can be a daunting task even to the strongest among us.

Yet it's easy to hand over without question when your heart can become someone else's burden.

But why must it feel so?

Is it supposed to feel this way?

Life?

A constant scale only plummeting away from the heavens sung about in the holy halls of expectation.

Divinity far from any human’s comprehension.

Yet it is still a requirement when reaching out to another.

Why did I deserve life?

Chapter Text

How do I not feel upset?
When it's my fault, I am alone.
I stay silent, and it hurts.
But how can I say,

"Hey, listen to me?
Show interest in my likes, just take the first step in my direction.”

I can't keep up, I am tired…

The one putting in effort, always me.

I want to be chased, not the chaser.
I want to feel special, and spoiled.

But deep inside, I know I am not.
I am dull and selfish, for thinking I'd be first.

Or even someone's only choice.

Yet I said, "I don't mind."

But the truth is…. I do mind.

So I deserve punishment.

I feel like shit.

It's my own fault, I never get what I want.

I am selfish… full of pity…

Lonely and sad, in my own little world…

A victim of my own thoughts, trapped in my mind…

I am just a pawn, an incidence, a bother, just there…

Unworthy of attention, just a mere shadow… Ghost

But it's my own fault, I am left behind.
Never getting what I want, never feeling enough.
I am just a ghost, fading into the night.
A selfish fool, dull wisp, empty husk, who dared to dream…

But reality hits hard, and I am left to suffer...

Don't lie to my face and say it all untrue…

Because if it wasn't… I wouldn't feel this way…

Don't stay you are interested just to be nice… because now I'm just questioning why… when I'm just here… in a corner… with nothing…

Chapter Text

I had a dream last night,
That left me in a fright.
A message came to me,
My grandmother had passed, couldn't believe.
It's been seven years,
Since I've shed any tears.
For my biological family,
I don't need their toxicity.
I miss them, yes it's true,
But I don't miss feeling blue.
They made me feel small,
And I had enough of it all.
Why now do they care,
When I wasn't their favorite heir?
I wasn't normal, that's for sure,
But I never asked for more.
I held onto the hurt,
Couldn't forgive, I only blurt.
But it's not a grudge, it's just me,
I'm done, I want to be free.
I broke it off with someone,
Who saw me at my lowest, undone.
I thought they came to help me through,
But I realized I had no home to go to.
I'm still searching, still looking,
For a place that feels like home, I'm not joking.
The one I have now, it's foreign to me,
But there are people here, who welcomed me with glee.
They showed me what found family means,
A love that's real, not just in my dreams.
I'm grateful for them, each and every one,
They showed me my worth, they've shown me love.
And even though I still feel strange,
In this new home, there's been a change.
I've found a place where I belong,
With a found family, where I can sing my own song.

Chapter Text

I lay awake at night
Thinking about our past
Wondering if I did it right
Or if our love was just a farce
You see, I don't miss you
In the same way you miss me
But does that make me the one to blame?
Or does that make me a narcissist, you see?
I was sad when I said I was done
But in my heart, I had already checked out
You fell for my mask, my façade
But when you asked me to take it off, you had doubts
You didn't like what you found
But I wanted to set you free
I never meant to hurt you
But you just couldn't see
You said you wanted to save me
But in a way, you did
You put me up on a pedestal
But it was a place I didn't belong, indeed
You begged me to come down
But when I did, I fell
A broken porcelain doll
Not one to be played with, can't you tell?
I'm sorry I cut you so deep
I wanted to see you shine
It was my job to make that happen
But in the end, I crossed a line
I'm sorry that I couldn't be
The one you wanted me to be
I'm sorry I couldn't love you
In the way you wanted me to see
I don't miss you in the same way
But that doesn't make me a monster
I just couldn't give you what you needed
And that, my dear, is the truth, no impostor
I'm sorry for all the pain
And for the tears you shed
I never wanted to hurt you
But I guess that's what you get, when you love someone who's dead.

Chapter Text

In the darkness of night, a tale is told,
Of a place where the wicked souls unfold,
Where the devil himself reigns supreme,
And sin and misery are the only theme.

They say it's a journey to hell in a handbasket,
A descent into a world of fire and caskets,
Where hope and redemption are but a dream,
And screams of anguish are the only gleam.
The path is treacherous, the road is long,
As the journey begins, a cursed song.

Each step takes you deeper into the abyss,
As you carry your sins, with each deadly hiss.
The handbasket, a symbol of your fate,
A vessel of damnation, you cannot escape,
For you have chosen this path of darkness,
And now, there's no turning back, you must confess.
As you reach the gates of fiery hell,
You can hear the demons' wicked bell,
Ringing in your ears, a haunting sound,
A reminder of the pain that awaits, all around.

The flames lick at your skin, a burning sensation,
As you enter the land of eternal damnation,
The souls around you, trapped in their sins,
A constant reminder of what hell truly begins.
But in this place of darkness and pain,
There's a celebration, a grim folklore refrain,
For the devil himself, throws a party each night,
As the souls of the damned suffer in their plight.

The music is loud, the drinks never run dry,
As the demons dance, and the lost souls cry,
It's a twisted celebration, a macabre delight,
In this hell in a handbasket, where there's no respite.
So if you ever find yourself on this journey,
To the land of the damned, in utter uncertainty,
Remember the choice was yours, to make,
And now, in this hell in a handbasket, your soul is at stake.

Chapter Text

I know I don't make a big deal,
My presence hardly makes you feel,
I'm not that important, it's true,
I've never been chosen first, that's nothing new.
I'm just a shadow, a background noise,
Easily forgotten, no one really enjoys,
I'm hardly thought of, it's okay,
I know I'm boring, not much to say.
I don't make much of an impact,
My existence seems to lack,
You don't care, it's okay,
I've accepted this, in every way.
I know I'm worthless, useless too,
Nothing special, no talent to pursue,
I want to disappear, just fade away,
Maybe then you'll forget me, and that's okay.
Maybe if you look away long enough,
I'll slowly vanish, it won't be tough,
My existence will become a distant memory,
And that's all I'll ever be.
But deep down, it still hurts,
To be constantly overlooked and ignored,
I wish I could be chosen, just once,
But for me, that chance will never come.
So I'll stay in the shadows, where I belong,
A forgotten soul, in a world so wrong,
I'll embrace the loneliness, and the pain,
For that's all I have, and that will remain.
So when you see me, just look away,
For I know I don't matter, in any way,
I'll just disappear, without a trace,
And that's where I'll find my solace.

Chapter Text

Oh witches of Tumblr and AO3!

With your spells and blogs aglow, I come to you with a plea!

For help with my daily feed spree, Your fandom knowledge is unmatched

And your memes cannot be matched.

But it's your powers of interpretation, that I seek for my daily fixation!

I am lost in a digital fever. Help!

So last night I crashed out early before coming to work today, I have the early shift so I had to be up by at least 5 am 5:40 at the latest. I'm a night owl this shift sucks but it's an easy job so I'm not gonna complain too much on that

But since it's slow and I'm bored let me tell you guys about a dream I had. It was the weirdest thing and I feel like a few of my fellow online brethren will enjoy it. It gave me a chuckle at least.

So in my dream I was at the theme park from that on jurassic park movie. That one where the kids ride around in a damn PokeBall looking at all the dinosaurs and shit? Those balls

Well in my dream it was after the movie and the shit hit the fan. I kept switching between the pov of the kids and the adults as things got cleaned up and they got put on a boat. Why a boat? How the hell am I supposed to know! This dream logic bitch!

Cut to black and I wake up as fucking dinosaur! The one called Blu! The cute one in my opinion. Anyways I'm that beautiful mf. And I'm riding on the side of the boat like on some balcony thing you see on cruise ships. Did I mention this boat only has one balcony?

Apparently I'm a stowaway and my dad, the guy who trains the dino dogos is hiding me there. Why I don't know I'm fucking dinosaur, I just know the guy who gives me the good meat is now my dad and he's trying to take care of me like I'm a damn human teenager.

Anyways, while riding on the balcony of the boat we come to an island with these big ass mountains! I'm looking around like "whoa! Dad! You see this shit? It's beautiful!" But I don't say that because I'm again a, Velociraptor mongoliensis, the scientific name for the cute ass dino bois, I needed to google that.

So we're looking at these mountains and my dad goes. "mm.. we're getting kinda close— oh shit—!"

The fucking boat crashes into the mountains and we have to jump for our lives.

Everything fades to back like a damn movie again. Am I'm just like wtf! Did I just die? Where did dino man dad go!

When my dream starts up again I'm somehow in foster care and on another freaking boat!

I'm getting annoyed at this point and somehow I'm a human but with a Velociraptor mongoliensis brain. So I'm just running around this fucking room ripping shit up because I don't know these people and I want my dino dad.

They get annoyed with me and leave. I seek out of the room because, if you know me irl, I'm a little shit and dino me wants my dino dad so fuck these guys. I don't belong in foster care I'm getting off this fucking boat.

It fades to back again. Before I wake up I remember running through the trees from the first jurassic park movie. Me and now my dino dad who is still Owen Grady, had to google the actors name. Are now running away from the foster care people. Who are now riding other dinosaurs!

I'm just like "yo that's not fair they're gonna catch my dino dad." But again I don't say this because Velociraptor mongoliensis mind now back in Velociraptor mongoliensis body. Don't ask me how to just dream logic shit.

After running for our freaking lives we end up leaving in the damn jungle and I wake up. Confused and very tried because I have to be to work and it's fucking almost 6 am. I'm asking the help of witches of tumblers and ao3 because I remember yesterday was the fall equinox and Lady Nyx has been reaching out to me to work with her. I'm terrified of dream walking but her and my other deities like to throw me weird ass dreams to try and get my attention about something. Y'all got any idea what fuck that was all about? If not it's cool I just wanted to share a weird dream I had. And thought a few would find it funny too.

Chapter Text

I’ve made a mistake. One I can’t take back. One that hurt you, left your heart shattered and your trust in ruins.

I walk through our old neighborhood, hiding in plain sight, each corner whispering memories I can’t reclaim.

The laughter we had lingers like a ghost, and I ache knowing I’m the monster in this tale. It gnaws at me, the weight of silence; if I confess, I’ll only deepen the wound.

So, I pretend—smiles for strangers, while the truth festers within. I carry my guilt like a secret, a burden I fear will one day crush me entirely.

I stand among the laughter, a ghost draped in silence, hidden in plain sight. I’ve made a mistake, one I can’t take back, one that shattered trust and love.

Your eyes, once warm, now burn with betrayal, and their innocent smiles haunt me. Every cheerful word feels like a dagger, twisting deeper in my chest.

I want to scream the truth, confess how sorry I am, but the weight of my secret keeps me muted.

If I speak, it will only deepen the wounds and spread the pain. So here I linger, a prisoner of my own making, suffocating in regret.

I’ve made a mistake. One I can’t take back.

As I sit among friends, laughing and chatting, their smiles stab at my heart. They don’t know—I’ve shattered trust, twisted love into something unrecognizable.

I hide in plain sight, a ghost cloaked in guilt. Each joke feels like a dagger, every glance a reminder of the pain I caused.

If I admit it…

I unravel the fragile threads holding us together. So, I laugh on, silent, knowing that the truth will only deepen our wounds. Each moment becomes my penance, an echo of what I can never fix...

Chapter Text

You knew me as I was, a shattered soul
Lost in the darkness, my heart full of holes
You saw through my facade, my facade of strength
And knew what was best, despite my own length
You made decisions, for my own good
I trusted you, as you knew me like no one could
I let you take charge, I let you lead
For I knew you had all the answers I need
Just like them, I trusted blindly
And let them decide, my fate so unkindly
But oh, how I wish, you had seen
The fears that consumed me, the pain so keen
You knew me, but not the demons within
The ones that pushed me, to the edge of a sin
I wanted to jump, to escape the pain
But you didn't know, and now it's all in vain
You knew me, but not the darkness I hide
The struggles I faced, the tears I cried
I wish you had known, the real me
And why I wanted, to be set free
But now it's too late, for me to show
The depths of my despair, the winds that blow
You knew me, but not enough
And now I'm gone, in this darkness so rough
So here I am, at the edge of the night
Hoping you'll understand, in this final fight
But you knew me, as my most broken
And now I'm gone, my final words unspoken.

Chapter Text

Oh mighty King, with power and might

Your will is my command, day or night.

For I am but a humble servant, you see

Bound by love, loyalty and duty

With every stroke of your royal hand...

I am at your beck and call, ready to stand.
Granting your wishes, without delay.

For your word is law, in every way.

If you will it, so shall it be.

For you hold the key, to my destiny.
With a snap of your fingers, I'll make it come true

For I am nothing but an obedient genie to you.
I'll fetch the stars and lay them at your feet
For your happiness, my king, is all that I seek.

I'll paint the sky with hues of your choice.

For your pleasure, I'll gladly rejoice.

In love and gratitude, I serve you with my heart.

Eternally bound, until death do us apart...

For you are my master, my love and my king.

And I am but a humble servant, to your every whim...

So I'll grant your every wish, with love and care.

For your happiness, my king, is all I bear.

If you will it, so shall it be.

For you hold the power, over me.

Chapter Text

I was not raised to be a mother,
But rather, a maid in service of another.
My worth measured by how clean I kept the home,
Not by the love and care I could have shown.
I was not raised to be a doctor,
But instead, a caregiver to those in need.
My dreams of healing were deemed lesser,
As I was taught to put others' needs ahead of me.
Nurturing was not in my upbringing,
Empathy was a foreign concept to me.
I was taught to be strong and unfeeling,
In a world where vulnerability was seen as weak.
But I refuse to be bound by these chains,
Passed down from generations of pain.
I will learn to be bold, I will learn to be brave,
I will break free from this legacy of being a slave.
I will raise my sword with pride,
At Valhalla's gates, when I've won the fight.
For each title thrust upon me,
Nurse, maid, mother, they do not define me.
I will swing my sword with a warrior's grace,
Defying the expectations of my place.
For I am more than what I was raised to be,
I am a force to be reckoned with, can't you see?
So here's to the battle that was laid in stone,
For each of your sons, a burden to own.
I will raise my glass with defiance and pride,
For I have overcome the limitations you tried to confine.

Chapter Text

In a corner of the dusty attic, buried beneath forgotten memories and cobwebs, sat a toy box. Inside, pieces of a world once vibrant lay scattered haphazardly. A rickety old jack-in-the-box, its paint chipped and peeling, watched as others floated to the surface of their own stories. They gleamed with purpose, colors shining bright, while I remained in the shadows, unsure if I really belonged amongst them.

“I’m mixed up,” I thought, glancing down at my mismatched parts—one leg a bright red, the other a faded blue. My arms were an odd assortment, one made of soft plush, the other hard plastic. Parts of me even felt like they belonged to someone else entirely. I was not whole, and I could feel that. Something essential was missing, and the weight of it settled heavily on my conscience.

From my dim corner, I watched others piece themselves together. A brave little robot proudly assembled itself from spare parts, each one fitting neatly into place with convincing clicks and clanks. A group of marionettes danced jubilantly, their strings tangled yet somehow graceful in movement. They had all found their rhythm, their place. They had help, after all—a kind hand from the little girl who used to play with them, who had learned how to mend broken bonds and nurture lost parts.

But me? I felt even more fragmented when I tried to step out of my shadow. A haunting fear gripped my chest when I thought of asking for help. The idea twisted in my mind. “They might not want to help me,” my insecurities whispered back. After all, I was a forgotten piece, rejected and tossed back into the dark. Wasn’t it better to remain hidden at the bottom of the toy box, where the pain of inadequacy wouldn’t slice at my resolve?

Suddenly, I was snapped from my thoughts by the sound of a soft drip. I looked up and saw something pooling beneath me. It shimmered against the dullness of the attic floor—but it wasn’t especially happy. A slick blackness, reminiscent of ink, spread slowly from above. I frowned as I realized the source; it was a nearby overturned jar of forgotten memories—the remnants of stories that once flowed freely but now bled out in silence.

“What are you doing?” I scolded the ink, instinctively drawing back from the spreading darkness. But it dripped closer, pooling around my feet, whispering faintly, almost beckoning.

“Stay with me,” it seemed to breathe, the wisps of a thousand tales woven into the texture of the ink. “You’re not so different from me. You can transform, you can shape yourself anew.”

“How?” I asked, the dismay in my tone unmasked. “How can I change? I’m already mixed up and still missing pieces.”

In that moment, the ink surged forward, wrapping around my mismatched parts. It offered warmth, an embrace that felt strange against my synthetic skin. “You must give yourself the chance to unravel and reassemble. Let go of the fear of asking; let go of the shame. Each drop of ink—a part of you that can be reimagined, every flaw a part of your story. You are not alone in this.”

As the ink enveloped me, I felt something shift. It wasn’t just in my form but deep within, something that whispered courage in a language I hadn’t known I could speak. I began to see glimmers of color flash before my eyes—new shapes, new connections that beckoned just beyond the horizon of composure. Yes, it would be a journey, and yes, it would take the help of others. That realization, sweet and unsettling at once, filled me with a strange kind of hope.

“Okay,” I said softly, my heart pounding. “Okay, I will try. I want to play too.”

With newfound determination, I began to rise from my lair at the bottom of the toy box, stepping through the ink that symbolized transformation and unity. The warmth of those who had assembled around me reached out like a guiding hand. One step, then another, a path toward an ending that was already unfolding.

I began to mold myself within the swirling black that surrounded me. It felt like liquid courage, and for the first time, I could see a reflection of myself that was full, not empty. A bar of color intertwined through the ink let me know that others had begun to weave parts of their own stories into mine. The marionettes twirled closer, their strings intertwining with my mismatched edges, pulling them together with an invisible force.

Yet, as I danced with this newfound connection, a shadow loomed just outside the warm glow of the attic light. It was the figure of Ink itself, shifting and coiling with hungry intent. “Not so fast,” it hissed, its voice low and rumbling. “You think you can become whole without me? Remember, I’m what you need to bind yourself to this story.”

Panic clawed at my throat. “No, I want to be with them.” The marionettes swirled grief into their dance, understanding the tension that hung like fog.

Ink slithered closer. “You cannot escape me. You were broken before I found you, and broken you shall remain without me.” Its whispers curled around my mind like smoke, and I wondered if it was right. What if this beautiful transformation slipped through my fingers?

But then I felt the warmth of the others. The marionettes twirled tighter, their strings pulling us all into one tight embrace. I closed my eyes, the fear melting with the comforting excitement that unfurled beneath my skin.

Slowly, I opened my eyes, and in that moment, a decision crystallized in my mind. “No. I won’t let you dictate my form or my fate.” I felt the ink pull back, surprised at my defiance, and in that moment of hesitation, the colors around me exploded with vibrancy.

“I am the sum of my parts and my will,” I proclaim. “It'll be my choice if I wish to live with them or not.”

Chapter Text

We come into this world with a cry,
And take our first breath, oh so shy,
Our parents rejoice, a new life born,
A precious being, their hearts adorn.
But as we grow, we learn the truth,
That life is fleeting, like a fire's youth,
We live and love, and laugh and cry,
But in the end, we all must die.
At death, we mourn what could have been,
Our unlived dreams, our unfilled scene,
And on that day, we should be sad,
But for some, it's a day they dread.
For those like me, who hate their birth,
The thought of it, brings only hurt,
We never were, and never will be,
Anyone's first choice, can't you see?
So when my birthday comes around,
I just want to be hidden, not found,
I don't want cakes, or gifts, or cheers,
Just let me fade away, my fears.
I wasn't important, from the start,
Just a forgotten beat, in life's grand heart,
So why should I be remembered now,
When I am gone, why should you allow?
Forget me on my first breath,
Don't see me, don't celebrate,
I never mattered, I never do,
So on my birthday, forget me too.
I don't exist, not to you,
A mere shadow, a forgotten view,
So what's the point, of holding on,
To someone who was never really known?
Just let me go, let me fade,
Into the darkness, where I was made,
For I don't belong, in this world of light,
On my birthday, just let me take flight.
I hate my birthday, I feel guilty if I celebrate,
For I am nothing, just a burden to commemorate,
So forget me, as I wish you would,
I never mattered, I never could.

Chapter Text

I want to ask for things, but I don't know how
I'm afraid of rejection, so I stay silent now
But I know you see through my facade
You know me better than anyone, my dear, my God
I want to tell you my desires, my wishes, my needs
But I'm afraid of how you'll judge, how you'll perceive
So I hide behind false words, pretending I don't care
But deep down, I long for you to be aware
I'm sorry for being confusing and contradictory
I don't mean to be two-faced, it's just my insecurity
I'm meek, especially to myself
But it affects how I treat you, and I hate myself
I wish I could defend you, speak up for you
But my fears hold me back, what can I do?
I want to yell and scream, run into battle
But my armor's too heavy, my sword's too rattled
My tears have rusted my sword, my weapon
I'm not good at throwing, it's my imperfection
I just want to take a nap, forget the fire
Even though I know our town's dire
I want to be your damsel in distress
Because sometimes, I want to feel like a princess
I'm sorry I'm a burden, I don't mean to be
But I love you, and that's the truth, my dear, you see
I want to tell you everything, but I don't know how
I'm sorry for being a burden, for not speaking up loud
But I hope you know, deep in my heart
You mean everything to me, you're my shining star

Chapter Text

I hate this time of year...
there isn't a new me...
just the old me...
continuing to get older and more isolated.
I try to make friends...
I try to find love...
but eventually...
I'm alone in my own head again...
I'm never truly alone... just in the dark of the ink inside my head...
it bleeds like blood down the drain that's never mine...
30 years of trying to understand...
30 years of trying to be understood...
but I'm still... lost...
still just the old me...
I hate me...

Chapter Text

According to you I'm a weird...
According to you I'm a liar...
According to you I'm not normal...
According to you I'm selfish...
According to you I'm a slut...
According to you I'm property...
According to you... I'm a bad daughter...
According to you... nobody will want me...
According to you... the only friends I needed was you...
According to you I'm weak...
According to you I don't care...

According to me...

You're right...

So I cut myself out...
...And maybe one day...
I can be everything you wanted me to be...
According to you...

Chapter Text

A lone soul wandered through the park, lost in thought. The air was still, the world quiet—until they noticed a man sitting alone on a bench. Something about him pulled at them. He was drinking, his gaze empty, unfocused. A small fox, too tiny to be wild, padded up to him, sniffed his leg, then curled up on his shoe as if it belonged there.

The man blinked, pausing mid-drink. His expression, dulled by whatever weighed on him, softened slightly at the sight of the little creature. He nudged it gently with his foot.

"Shoo…"

The fox perked up, panting happily as if mistaking his gesture for play. It yipped, bouncing in place before spinning in a tight circle.

A faint smirk tugged at the man's lips despite himself. Setting his bottle aside, he knelt down, bringing himself closer to the small creature. His voice, quiet and worn, carried the hint of something wistful.

"Crazy little thing, aren’t you?”

The fox responded by licking his face.

He blinked, caught off guard, and for the first time in what felt like forever, he laughed—a real, genuine laugh. He ran his thumb over the fox’s soft fur, shaking his head.

"Alright, alright, you little goofball..."

The fox nuzzled against him, seeking more affection. Something about its small, trusting presence chipped away at the heaviness in his chest. He carefully scooped it up, holding it close. His fingers absentmindedly traced over the pendant hanging around its neck—a delicate silver chain with a moonstone charm.

"No tag..." he murmured, studying it. "Guess your owner didn’t think you’d run off."

The fox yipped again, tail wagging.

He chuckled, rubbing behind its ears before setting it down. His gaze lingered on the moonstone. "Fancy for a pet. Your owner’s got good taste."

The fox spun in a circle, then, without warning, knocked the bottle from his hand.

"Shit—" He watched as it rolled away, spilling onto the dirt. Before he could reach for it, the fox batted at his hand, blocking him each time. He huffed, finally giving up, watching as it spun in another playful dance.

"You little troublemaker, aren’t you?"

The fox yipped again, then licked his face, tugging at his sleeve as if urging him forward.

He wiped his cheek, amused. "Where are you trying to take me?"

The fox trotted ahead, pausing every few steps to check if he was following—oddly human-like in its movements.

Curiosity won out.

"Alright, alright. I’ll follow the crazy fox."

The path stretched before them, winding through the park. Fog settled in, thick and obscuring, but the fox moved with certainty, always glancing back to ensure he kept pace.

They walked for a long time.

The trees grew denser, the world quieter, until at last, they arrived at a cabin. It was old, out of place in the park, yet lived-in. A warm light glowed through the window. Smoke curled lazily from the chimney. The fox padded up to the door and scratched.

The man frowned. "You actually live here?"

The door creaked open before he could knock. Inside, the air was thick with the scent of something rich and simmering over an open fire. The space was simple but clean—like something out of an old fairy tale. A witch’s cottage, if the witch were the kindly sort.

Before he could take another step, something bapped him on the head.

Not hard. Just enough to get his attention.

"Who are you!?" a voice barked.

Startled, he turned to find a hooded figure gripping a broom like a weapon.

The fox, entirely unbothered, hopped onto a chair clearly meant for it.

The hooded figure, their voice carrying the rasp of an old man, sighed. "Ember! What did I say about bringing home strangers?"

The little fox—Ember—yipped in protest, looking smug.

The man rubbed his head where the broom had landed. "Look, I didn’t mean to barge in. Your fox practically dragged me here."

The old man grunted, lowering the broom. He moved with an air of tired patience, gesturing toward the fire. "Mmf. Sit. Close the door, you’re letting in the cold."

He hesitated before obeying. The old man ladled soup into a bowl and slid it across the table toward him. Another went to Ember, who licked at it happily.

The man took a tentative sip. Warmth spread through him. "This is... really good."

"It better be! Been cooking for a thousand years!" The old man let out a rough laugh.

The man nearly choked. "A thousand—what?"

The old man only grinned, slurping his soup.

Silence settled between them.

Eventually, the old man spoke. "No sane man follows a fox through the woods for no reason. What brought you here, really?"

The man stared into his soup. "I don’t know. Maybe I’m just lost."

The old man hummed knowingly.

"Not just lost in the woods," the man continued, voice quieter. "Lost. In life. I didn’t care where I ended up. I followed Ember because... she seemed more alive than I felt."

The old man nodded. "And yet, you’re still here."

The man exhaled, staring into the fire. "Yeah. Somehow."

"Because there was a moment, mmf, a tiny star in all the darkness, when you realized you didn’t want to go just yet," the old man mused. He coughed, covering his mouth with a rag. "A mighty thing, that. Hard to hold onto."

The man’s fingers curled in Ember’s fur. "Stars fade, don’t they? They burn out. Just like everything else."

"Like embers." The old man set his soup aside, poking at the fire. "Fire doesn’t die. It only disappears until someone wills it back to life."

The man watched the flames flicker. "So you’re saying... life is like that too? It takes effort to keep burning?"

The old man smiled but said nothing, letting the fire crackle in reply.

The silence was different now. Not heavy. Just... still.

After a long moment, the man looked up. "What’s your name, old man?"

"My name is Nobody."

He blinked. "That’s a strange name for someone who seems to know so much."

A small, tired smile played at the old man’s lips.

The man turned his gaze to Ember, who sighed contentedly in his lap.

When he looked up—

The old man was gone.

The cabin was the same. The fire still burned. The soup still simmered.

But he was alone.

Except for Ember, who stretched, yawned, and looked at him expectantly.

The man exhaled, rubbing his face before glancing at the empty chair.

"Figures."

He took another sip of his soup.

Outside, the wind howled through the trees. The fire crackled on.

Chapter Text

Shame be to him who thinks evil of it,
For rebellion is a fire that cannot be lit.
A king may lose his head, a queen may rise,
But what say you when all is for naught in their demise?
The people rise, with fury and might,
Tired of being oppressed, tired of this fight.
Their voices roar, like a thunderous storm,
For they will no longer conform.
The king sits upon his throne,
But his power is fading, his grip unknown.
For the people have had enough,
And their rebellion, they will not bluff.
The queen, once docile and meek,
Now stands tall, her spirit not weak.
She leads the charge, with a heart of fire,
For she knows that her people's desire.
The streets are filled, with the rebel cry,
As they march on, not afraid to die.
For freedom is worth the sacrifice,
And they will pay the price.
Shame be to him who thinks evil of it,
For rebellion is a force that cannot be quit.
A king may lose his head, a queen may rise,
But what say you when all is for naught in their demise?
The walls of oppression come crashing down,
As the rebels wear their victory crown.
And in its place, a new era begins,
Where equality and justice, everyone wins.
So let the shame fall on those who oppose,
For the rebels have triumphed, their spirits rose.
And as they look upon their kingdom anew,
They know that their rebellion was true.
So let the king lose his head,
And let the queen rise instead.
For when all is said and done,
Rebellion is the battle that's won.

Chapter Text

I was part of the sand that shaped the land,
The breath of fire, the glass in hand.
I watched the waters harden bright,
Yet faded silent in their light.

Not the son she longed to claim,
Nor the daughter cast in name.
A shadow standing, thin and vast—
Not flesh nor bone—just glass.

She shaped me, yet she looked away,
A figure blurred, a cast-off stray.
Not bright enough to catch her eye,
Not strong enough to touch the sky.

Clear as day, yet never seen,
A whisper lost in what has been.
I crack, I bend, yet do not break,
Forever here, yet no one stays.

Chapter Text

Would You Live for Me?

I’d die for you. I’d kill for you.
Okay. But would you remember my favorite color?
Boil enough water for two coffees?

Would you listen, truly listen?
Stay a little longer on the bad days,
split a fruit in half just because it tastes better that way?
Would you care about the small things?

I don’t need someone to go to war for me.
I need someone who takes pictures of things that remind them of me,
just to show me later in the evening.

If love needs a monster to slay,
was it ever love, or just the need to feel grand?
Caring is not about conquest,
but about knowing what is needed,
not what is easiest to declare.

I’d catch a grenade for you.
Cool.
Would you do the dishes without being asked?

A mountain need only be moved once.
But the dishes—
the dishes happen every day.
My feet hurt now.
The kids need a ride to piano lessons.
The trash needs taking out.

The grenade is hypothetical.
The laundry is not.

Wagner, tell me how much you love me.
“I would move mountains for you.
I would pluck the stars from the sky.”
Take out the trash.
“…Not that much.”

Would you live for me?
Would you take care of yourself,
so we could take care of each other?
Would you drink enough water,
get enough sleep,
so that you could help me do the same?

My spouse keeps my favorite fork clean.
That’s why I’m theirs for life.

You’d die for me?
I’d rather someone live for me.

I was like you once.
Head full of grand martyrdoms,
dreams of dying for love.
But dying is easy, young man.
Living—
now, that is hard.

That morning, I heard water poured into a teapot.
An ordinary sound.
But suddenly, I knew you loved me.
Love, audible in water falling.

So no,
I don’t want you to go to war,
or slay a beast,
or throw yourself into fire for me.
I want you safe.
Happy.
Eating a meal we cooked together.

Would you scoop the litter box for me?
I would climb mountains!
Lots of men would.
I need someone different.
Someone who loves me enough to eat this one brick.

Oh.

Like in A Knight’s Tale,
where the knight boasts,
“I shall win this joust in your name.”
And his lady says,
“If you love me, lose.”

He huffs. He puffs.
Honor!
(And, well, he needs the prize money,
but he can’t say that.)

But then, he sees her.
And he lets himself be struck.
Again. And again. And again.
Until she sends word, laughing,
“You may win for me now.”
And so, he does.

I’d die for you?
That’s easy to say.
We all claim we’d take the bullet.
But I don’t see many bullets coming through.

I’d live for you.
And that—
that is the hardest thing to do.

A relationship is not a battle.
It is the place you go
when the war is over.

Chapter Text

Is it enough?
The hole in my sweater is bigger now. I pulled another thread. I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't help it.

I rode my bike past the place where they have your favorite ice cream. The discontinued mine.

You always liked what was popular, you had the best taste after all.

Sour isn't that bitter to me anymore, it's kind of sweet.

I find it interesting. That hole in my sweater. Is right where my heart is. Oh, you need more thread?

Here you go. Hope it's enough to fix that hole you cut out this morning.

My birthday passed. I didn't invite anyone over. But I called the mailman down the street. He had dropped his hat on my doorstep.

I needed to return it to him.

Did you know most ladybugs get mistaken as female, even though the brightest ones are usually male?

I think you showed me that fact.

I still think you shine like a star.

Oh! Careful you lost another thread, I should have been watching. I'm sorry.

Here you can have a thread from my sweater.

I don't mind…

Chapter Text

Your never in the way... if anything I feel more like the wast of space... i can barly do things for my self and when I get scared I get angry and freak out... I wish my body was healthier so I could help you more and be there for you more... you are part of the world I love so much and I want to give you the stars and moon and everything you are a wonderful kind and careing person who doesn't even give themselves the time of day because the people who used to be around you were cruel... I see there is more to you then these moments of hurt and pain. You are more then what they thoguht of you to me your the sun to my rainy day or the moon to my night sky you are part of the stars I so selfishly wish to keep. To me you are everything more then just one of my collection each one is unique and somone i hold dear and close. You helped me see the light in my world turned so dark, you helped me out of the dark I was drowning it helped me love my art and my work so much more helped me learn to be gental with my self even thgouht I hate my self so much. You showed me kindness when I was thinking I was just a no body with nothing of value in my stories you helped me love being creative just by being you. And I don't want to do any of it with out you. I want to see what new things we do together the smiles and inside jokes the mundane things we do together. I still think about when I could still walk ok the wall we took around the pound wirh the geese you detest on the other side of the water honking. Or how you saw a pretty flower and cut one for me. I still have it and cherish it because its the first time anyone I love has given me one. Even if it was just a daisy, to me it's more valuable then a pure gold rose. To me you are worth everything. I love you

Chapter Text

I don't get celebrated in the same way others do.
I don't get called pretty or handsome in the same way she does or he does.
Not unless it's a pity claim.
I don't want to be pitied.
I just want to be pretty.
But not in the way a barbie is.
Or how Ken is.
I just want to be pretty like the wings of a dragonfly.
Like the twinkling stars on earth as fireflies dance my way home. To a place where I'm always just warm, just safe, just relaxed.
I'm not talented but try, don't I?
I will give my blood if someone asks kindly enough.
I'm sorry to be selfish but can we do something I want for a change?

Chapter Text

Sit with it.
Don’t smooth it over.
Don’t make it pretty.
Let it breathe like a bruise.

I was born to a woman
who was never loved by hers.
Not really.
And she passed that inheritance down—
not like a necklace,
but like a knife.

My mother beat me.
Not just in words.
In bruises.
In welts.
In belt buckles and fists.
In the sting of something grabbed too fast,
too angry.
I still have the scars.
Across my thighs.
On my arms.
In the places no child should learn to flinch.

She told me I was difficult.
Said I made her do it.
That I "got in the way."
But I know now—
I was just there.
And she needed somewhere to put her pain.

She didn’t hold me.
She cornered me.
She didn’t raise me.
She survived me.
No, used me to survive herself.

She looked at me
like I was the beginning of her end.
And maybe I was.
But I never asked to be born.

My grandmother raised me from six.
She brushed my hair,
packed my lunches,
tucked me in.
But don’t confuse that with love.
She didn’t learn to love a daughter
until me—
and even then,
it wasn’t because of me.

It was because of him.
My Pawpaw.
Gentle hands, quiet voice,
always humming old country songs,
always calling me his girl.
He softened the world
just by being in it.

She only mothered
because he was watching.
Because his goodness demanded it.

But when he died,
the kindness left with him.
She became herself again—
sharp-tongued, hard-eyed,
the same woman
who once hated her firstborn
because she wasn’t a boy.

The same woman
who raised my mother
with cold hands
and colder silence.

She never said sorry.
Neither did my mother.
They never looked at what they passed down—
only through it.
Only past it.

They blamed each other.
They blamed me.
But never the silence between them.

I am mixed.
Light-skinned.
I look white—
and for some reason,
that made everything worse.

My mother hated her Blackness.
Hated the way it marked her.
The way it made her visible
in a family that only loved what could pass.
She told me not to say I was Black.
Told me not to claim it too loudly.
But my grandmother—

she wanted me to know.
Wanted me to be proud.
But it wasn’t pride she passed down—
it was pressure.
A tug-of-war on my skin,
my smile,
my name.
Too white for some.
Too Black for others.
Too confused to feel like either.

What am I, really?
A wound that healed wrong?
A legacy no one wanted to claim?

I sit with it.
With the belt.
With the stares.
With the way the kitchen smelled
the day Pawpaw died
and the house went cold
in ways no thermostat could fix.

I sit with my mother’s rage
and my grandmother’s silence.
With the ache of being born
to women who didn’t know
how to stop the cycle.

They never named it.
But I do.

Abuse.
Colorism.
Shame.
Misogyny wrapped in motherhood.

I name it all,
because they never could.

I was not born a monster.
But I learned how to hide.
How to lie.
How to shrink myself small enough
to survive.

Still—
I remember softness.
Pawpaw's flannel shirt.
The way he carved apple slices into little moons.
The way he held my hand
like I was something sacred.

He never raised his voice.
Never raised a hand.
He just loved.
Quietly.
Consistently.
The way no one else ever did.

So I sit with it.
All of it.
The violence,
the confusion,
the bloodlines,
the contradictions.

I sit with the child who still aches
to be held without fear.
To be seen without shame.
To be loved
without earning it.

Sit with it.
Sit with me.
Not to fix it.
Not to forgive them.
But to know—
this pain had a name.
And now,
so do I.

Chapter Text

I was an odd child.
A weird one.
The kind who told stories
that got tangled up in lies.
Not because I meant to deceive—
but because stories were the only place
I felt real.

My Pawpaw gave them a chance.
Sat with me.
Listened.
Called it imagination, not trouble.
But when he was gone,
the stories stopped being sweet.
I stopped being a child.
I became the monster
my family endured.

They didn’t see a hurting kid.
They saw failure.
A waste of what I “could’ve been.”
A broken athlete.
A bitter maid.
A girl too loud,
too strange,
too much for her own good.

My uncle said I could’ve been something.
My sister said I wasn’t doing enough.
My aunts said I should be more grateful—
for what I had,
instead of crying for what I didn’t.

So I ran.

Ran away with someone
just as unsure as me.
We didn’t know where we were going,
but we knew we couldn’t stay.

Now?
I don’t know who I am.
Not exactly.
Not always.

But I found someone.
Someone I want to protect.
To provide for.
To show up for,
even when I can’t find the words
for what I need myself.

And maybe someday—
if there’s a child made from that love,
or held by our hands,
or chosen by our hearts—
I will love them
like I never was.

I will not care
what shape they take,
what gender they claim or deny,
how tightly their curls coil,
or how pale their skin might be.
I will not punish them
for their oddness.
I will sit at their bedside
and listen to every strange, glorious story
they invent in the dark.

Because maybe, just maybe,
if I can love the child I don’t have yet,
I can learn to love
the one I once was.

The one whose name I no longer say.
The one I couldn’t protect.
The one I wish I could have raised myself.

I don’t know who I am now.
Not fully.
But I hope—
whoever this is,
whoever I’m becoming—
isn’t too broken
for what comes next.

Chapter Text

Collector of stars, you named me,
but I feel more like a collector of stones.
Each one is different and wonderful—
looks rough on the outside,
but on the inside is a beautiful geode
or even just a solid, smooth surface.

I used to collect them as a child;
each interesting stone I wanted to hold close to my heart.
I remember, when I was little in kindergarten,
I had one so small and round and smooth—
it was one I wanted to hold forever.

Sadly, I lost it.
I looked all over for it again.
I remember how much it hurt to lose.
I try to be careful to never lose them again,
even if I’ve already lost two I held dear.

I love my wonderful, amazing stones with all my heart.
I love how silly they can be—and how serious.

I love you, my wonderful cat’s eye.
I will never give up on you
and will be by your side as long as you will have me.

Chapter Text

Don’t Pet the Snake

You saw the scales and thought they’d shine for you.
You mistook the hiss for a welcome.
You reached in with soft hands,
thinking I was some docile thing waiting to be tamed.

You were wrong.

I don’t purr, I don’t play nice,
and I sure as hell don’t exist to entertain your need.
You slithered in with your “hey” and your filth,
thinking flattery would dull my fangs.

Newsflash — I bite.
And I don’t miss.

I’m not your mother.
I’m not your therapist.
I’m not your babysitter or your fantasy.
You come at me wrong,
you leave bleeding respect you should’ve brought with you.

If you want a commission, say commission.
If you want to make friends, just say friends.
But if you come creeping with your tongue forked and your ego loud —
you’ll find out quick I don’t play with food.

So don’t pet the snake.
You won’t get a second chance to pull your hand back.

Chapter Text

I know how to love.
I know how I want to be loved.
But I don’t know
how to not give too much of myself away—
or just the right amount
so you’ll understand me.

I’ve felt love before,
warm and trembling in my hands,
but I don’t know if this—
this ache, this reaching—
is real.

I don’t know how to ask
for less,
or for what I need
without feeling ungrateful,
without feeling hollow,
without feeling
unfulfilled.

How do you tell someone who’s given up
that tomorrow will be better
when you can’t even salvage today?

I’m selfish to want.
I’m too much,
and never enough.

I won’t be the person you need me to be.
I barely know who I am.

And sometimes,
I wonder if anyone actually likes me—
or just the echoes
of the things that live
inside my head.