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Chapter Text

Read Upto chapters 16 on
https://ao3-rd-18.onrender.com/works/45475000

I'll start from Chapter 17!!

Previously -

Yuta propped his hip up against the piano as he always did, and my eyes took in the way his pants accentuated his legs, the way his shirt clung to his torso. “And am I being nice to you?”

I nodded, but I couldn’t stop looking at him and remembering his suggestion from this morning.

“Would you like to go to our bedroom and explore?” he asked calmly.

Despite the heat in my cheeks, I nodded. Yuta straightened and held out his hand for me to take, and I did as always.

Chapter 17

His fingers curled lightly around me but in a way that suggested I could pull away any time. With a deep breath, I got up from the bench, startling slightly as his thumb pressed against my wrist. Why did he always do that?

My eyes trailed over his muscular, inked forearm as I followed him upstairs. The moment we stepped into our bedroom and my eyes landed on our bed, my pulse began racing in my veins.

Yuta peered down at me. “Fear or arousal … or both?”

“What?” I asked confused.

He pressed his thumb against my wrist. “Your pulse picked up.”

“That’s why you always touch me there?”

“It’s a good indicator of your mood and helps me figure out your emotions combined with your expression and breathing.”

I laughed then quieted when he led me closer to the bed. Yuta raised one eyebrow.

“Both,” I admitted.

He sank down on the bed, tugging me along so I’d stand before him. “It would be good if we could manage to reduce one and increase the other.”

“Which one would you like to increase?” I said in the same scientific tone as he had used.

His mouth twitched. “Well,” he began in a low voice. “Fear would be easier to increase than arousal with you being you and me being me, but I prefer difficult tasks. Which do you prefer?” He raised my hand to his lips very slowly, his eyes never leaving my face, and pressed an open-mouthed kiss to my pulse-point then trailed his tongue over it.

A small shiver passed down my spine. How was it possible I could feel that all the way between my legs?

He regarded me intently. “Fear?”

I shook my head, my tongue heavy.

“Both?”

I considered that and gave a hesitant shake of my head.

Yuta's eyes became even more intent. “Are you sure?”

I wasn’t because he evoked sensations in my body I’d never felt, but the tingling between my legs had increased, and I felt hot and wet down there. “No.”

Yuta nodded. “Let’s try to change that. Okay?”

Good Lord, he sounded so sure of himself, as if he just knew he would make it good for me.

YUTA

Mark's pulse rate spiked again. “Okay.”

Releasing his hand, I reached for the top drawer of my nightstand and pulled out the handcuffs I’d stored there.

Mark released a choked laugh. A quick scan of his face told me he was nervous.

“I don’t usually have cuffs in my drawer,” I said before he could draw conclusions that would unsettle him. I’d never seen the appeal to restrain myself like that and preferred to dominate in bed, so I never allowed a woman/man to do it, and the other way around would have made as little sense because I didn’t need cuffs to restrain anyone. “I put them there after we talked this morning.”

Mark bit his lip, but he didn’t react in any other way.

“I can cuff one of my hands to the headboard. What do you say? That would give you a sense of safety, don’t you think?”

“I think so,” he said hesitantly.

“Would you like me to undress?”

He shook his head quickly. “No.”

I regarded him closely. “Mark. We don’t have to do this.”

“I want to. I’m just a bit overwhelmed by the situation that’s all.”

I nodded and moved back on the bed until my back rested against the headboard and then cuffed my left hand to it.

Mark hadn’t moved from his spot.

“What would you like to do first?”

He flushed, tugging a strand of hair behind his ear. “I don’t know. What would you suggest?”

He was sending out mixed signals. On one hand he was scared of losing control, but on the on the other hand he needed me to take control. “How about we start with kissing?”

His eyes darted to my lips, the blush on his cheeks darkening as he nodded. He climbed on the bed. I tried to sit as relaxed as possible, my legs crossed at the ankles and my unrestrained arm lying in my lap while I watched his. His eyes on my face, he moved closer until he was kneeling beside me, his knees pressing up against my hip.

I didn’t move. He exhaled softly. “I’ve never kissed before.”

“It’s not difficult, Mark, trust me.”

He gave me a look I couldn’t place. “Easy for you to say. How many women have you kissed?”

I couldn’t see how that was of any relevance. “One hundred and twelve. I don’t kiss every woman I fuck.”

He choked. “You’ve slept with more than one hundred women?”

“Yes. I was a late bloomer in comparison to Jaehyun and Chenle . Had my first woman at almost fifteen.”

“Then I had my first time before you,” he said bitterly, swallowing hard and staring down at the bed.

I lifted my hand and nudged his chin up to see his expression. “You haven’t had your first time yet. What you had doesn’t count. What we are going to do has absolutely nothing to do with what you experienced.”

His eyes watered, and I dropped my hand, unsure if my words had upset his, but he scooted closer and hesitantly brought one hand up to my shoulder. “How can you say things that make me feel better when you don’t even understand what I feel?”

“I’m stating facts. That’s all.”

He laughed. “Facts.” Then his eyes lowered to my mouth, and he licked his lips. I doubted he noticed, but the sight had an immediate effect on my cock.

“Are you going to kiss me?” I asked him.

He nodded but didn’t move.

“Mark, if you want to be in control, you actually have to take control.” He was a man I’d have pegged as the submissive type in bed, and under normal circumstances I’d have naturally taken the lead, but as long as he was caught in the memories of his rape that would have ended badly.

He finally leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine, eyes closing. I would have preferred for his to keep them open so I had a chance of reading his, yet as it was I had no choice but to trust he’d pull back if something unsettled him.

His lips were very soft and the pressure was light, almost nonexistent like our kiss on our wedding day. Resisting the urge to pull him closer and show him how good kissing could feel, I let him be in control. After a moment, he pulled back with a frown, his skin reddening. “This feels odd because you aren’t moving.”

“I wanted to let you be in control.”

“It’s okay if you take the initiative and lead because you know what to do and I don’t, and it’s making me nervous.”

I regarded him, not exactly sure what he needed me to do. “We had me restrained so you’d feel in control.”

“Yes, and that’s okay, but I want you to kiss me as you normally would.”

“Normally, I lead.”

He bit his lip again. Nerves. I reached for his wrist and pressed my thumb against it. He huffed out laughter. “You can lead … I mean, you can lead without being all dominant and rough.”

“I won’t be rough with you, Mark. And if you ever feel like I’m being too dominant, you tell me and I will adapt my behavior, all right?”

He smiled slightly, but his pulse spiked up anyway. He was very difficult to read. “Can we try again?”

“Of course. I’m going to touch your back.”

Again a spike in his pulse rate. I released his wrist and put my hand on his lower back and began rubbing it lightly with my thumb. His cheeks were flushed, and he was soft under my touch. He leaned slightly forward until his lips almost touched mine.

Deciding to see if me taking lead would work, I caught his lips with mine, applying more pressure than he had and nudged his lips with my tongue. He parted them without hesitation and I dove in. His taste and the soft warmth of his mouth went straight to my cock. He submitted to the kiss without hesitation, following my lead.

He yielded so easily to my demands, so readily, I knew he would continue to do so if we moved fur this, and it made me want to do just that, but I reined myself in.

I widened my strokes on his back, brushing over his spine. He made a small sound in the back of his throat, tightening his hold on my shoulder. His other hand pressed up against my chest, grazing my nipple, and I kissed his a bit harder.

Moving my free hand up his back, I wanted to cup his head, but the moment I touched his neck and my fingers slid into his dark waves, he jerked back. “No,” he whispered quickly.

I pulled my hand away, seeing the remnants of panic on his face. It wasn’t a touch I’d considered problematic, so his reaction surprised me.

“Your hair?”

He gave a quick nod. “And my neck.” He swallowed. “My uncle … he held me there … He held me down when he forced me to …” He looked at me with despair. I had no trouble reading It on his face, and I didn’t have to touch his wrist to know his pulse was racing because he remembered how his bastard of an uncle had forced him to suck his cock when he was only a child. And once again, I wished I had prolonged his torture. He had suffered thoroughly under mine and Jaehyun ’s hands, and yet it didn’t seem enough.

“I understand,” I said.

He shivered helplessly, and then he just fell forward, catching me by surprise as he pressed his face into the crook of my neck and began shaking. I touched his back and his shaking got worse. Then something wet hit my skin. He was crying.

“Mark?”

He clung to my shoulders and I wrapped my free arm around his. He pressed even harder into me. I let him cry himself out. Maybe it would help him. Pulling back, he kissed me softly, his eyes probing as if he was searching for something. I returned the kiss, tasting his tears.

“I’m sorry,” he said after a moment.

“For what?”

“For becoming emotional.” He sighed and closed his eyes briefly. Then he opened them again and nodded toward the cuff. “wheres’ the key?”

“Drawer.”

He leaned over me and gave me a look at his round, firm butt. My body definitely reacted strongly to his assets. He unlocked the handcuff. “I think I’m going to take a bath.” I didn’t stop him as he retreated into the bathroom.

Instead, I walked out and headed for our gaming room. Jaehyun was there, sprawled out on the sofa, watching the latest cage fights in Roger’s Arena.

He glanced toward me as I sank down on the armchair, reached for the bottle of bourbon on the table, and poured a glass.

Jaehyun nodded toward my wrist, which had red marks from the metal cuffs. “What happened there? Already getting kinky with your wife?”

“Mark’s scared of my physical strength, so I cuffed myself to the bed.”

Jaehyun leaned back, eyebrows raised. “As if that would stop you.”

“It wouldn’t, but he feels safer, and that’s what this is about. He needs to feel comfortable around me.”

Jaehyun narrowed his eyes. “So you still haven’t fucked him?”

I took a sip of the bourbon. “We didn’t progress beyond kissing, so no.”

Jaehyun was quiet for a moment, and that was usually never a good sign. “You have the patience of a saint. Do you want me to call some entertainment over?”

“I agreed to not seek out other women anymore.”

Jaehyun laughed. “Right.” And then sobered. “You are being serious?”

“I am.”

“Are you trying to become a straight-laced citizen?”

“I have no ambitions in that regard, no.”

Jaehyun shook his head. “First Johnny, now you. Why’s everyone becoming pussy-whipped?”

“Since I’m not getting any pussy, your term is misleading.”

“Oh, fuck you, Yuta. Don’t be a fucking smartass. Do you really think you can make a marriage work? Even if you don’t fuck other women, you won’t be a caring husband and you know it.”

I shrugged. “I know, but for now I’m going to give this a try and see where it takes me.”

“So this is some kind of scientific experiment for you?”

“Maybe.” It was something new, something I had no experience with and couldn’t say how I’d deal with it long-term, but I was curious and Mark wanted this marriage to be real.
MARK

I couldn’t sleep after the kiss. My mind replayed it. Yuta’s mouth had been so warm and gentle. It was nothing like I’d imagined, nothing like I’d feared. He managed to surprise me every day and had done so since our wedding night.

The door creaked open and someone stepped in. Opening my eyes, I peered through the gap in the blankets. I had them pulled up to my ears because it made me feel safer that way. I left on the light in the bathroom because the dark still held power over me. I could see Yuta’s tall form in the warm glow.

My cheeks heated when his eyes settled on me. I’d fled into the bathroom after our kiss, not because of it, though. I had been embarrassed about breaking down and crying in Yuta’s arms. I needed time to get a grip on myself. For a man as controlled and emotionless as Yuta, being married to me must be a particular difficult task for him. In the beginning, I was sure my marriage to Yuta was punishment for my father’s actions, but now I was fairly sure he was the one that could have made a better deal.

“It’s late,” he murmured.

“I can’t sleep.”

He nodded before he moved into the bathroom and closed the door. Barely any light spilled into the bedroom through the narrow gap beneath the door, but I focused my eyes on it and listened to the sound of running water.

After a few minutes, Yuta came back out, dressed in briefs. I knew he preferred to sleep naked and now only wore clothes at night to set me at ease. Even in his own bed, he had to hold back on my account. He turned off the light in the bathroom and approached me in the dark.

My pulse quickened when the mattress dipped under his weight—but for much different reasons than it had in the past. What would it be like if I just leaned over and kissed him? No warnings, no handcuffs. Only my lips touching his, my body pressed against him. How would it feel to be free and act on my desires? How would it be not to be shackled by the past?

“Are you alright?” Yuta drawled.

How could he know? He hadn’t touched my wrist, so my pulse couldn’t have given me away. “Why do you ask?”

“Because your breathing changed. That’s usually a sign that you’re unsettled by something. Is it because of our kiss?”

I hesitated, wondering what to say, but opted for the truth. “Yes.”

“You changed your mind about the physical aspects of our marriage?”

I wished I knew what he was thinking. He said he wanted me, but maybe my kiss and the teary outburst afterward made him change his mind.

“No, I enjoyed our kiss,” I admitted.

“Good.”

That wasn’t quite the answer I’d hoped for. Had he enjoyed it as well? Did he want to kiss me again?

“Would you like to kiss again?”

It was sometimes scary how easily he could read me, even in the dark, even without understanding my emotions. The inner workings of Yuta’s brain were completely inexplicable to me. “What do you want?”

He was quiet. “In terms of kissing or in general?”

“In general,” I whispered, my stomach tightening with nerves.

“Give me your wrist,” he said, and I complied. His thumb pressed against my pulse point, and I had to stifle laughter. It quickly died down when he started to speak in that low, deep voice.

“I want you in every regard. I want to kiss you, of course. I want to show you pleasure, Mark.” My pulse galloped with every word. “I want to give you an orgasm with my mouth and my fingers. I want to taste you everywhere, and I want to … sleep with you.”

I could tell he had wanted to use a different term, but he chose to soften his words for my benefit. My chest warmed at his consideration. Despite who he was, Yuta would always represent safety for me.

“I know every spot on your body that will increase your arousal. If you let me, I’ll make you come again and again.”

I swallowed audibly. My core seemed to liquefy, throbbing with a need I hardly understood.

He tapped my wrist. “Fear?”

I laughed nervously because right now fear was only a small flicker in the corners of my consciousness. “No,” I admitted in the softest whisper.

Yuta waited patiently for me to say more. As my eyes grew used to the dark, I could make out the outline of his strong shoulders. He was facing me, breathing calmly, relaxed. Those words … didn’t they affect him?

“Arousal?”

I gave a nod, not sure if he could see it.

“Good,” came his low voice.

I shivered. “And you?”

“Are you asking if I’m aroused?”

I nodded.

“I am,” he said.

My pulse really started racing. “Mark?”

“Both,” I said quickly, because I was equally scared and aroused by his admittance.

“What can I do to banish your fear?”

“Nothing,” I said, because deep down I knew it was a battle I had to fight on my own. “But I want to try something.”

“Okay,” he said slowly.

“Can we kiss without you being restrained?”

“Of course. Now?”

“Yeah,” I said quietly and scooted a bit closer to him until his warm breath fanned over my face and the sheer volume of heat radiating from his body told me how big he was, how much taller and stronger.

I caught the hint of alcohol on his breath, something smoky and spicy. “You smell like … bourbon?”

“I had a glass,” he said. “But you don’t have to be concerned. It’s not enough to lower my inhibitions. Not even close.”

“I’m not concerned about that.” I leaned closer until his face hovered right in front of me, and then I bridged the remaining distance between us and pressed my lips to his. He waited a couple of seconds before he increased the pressure, and his tongue slipped between my lips, exploring my mouth. His fingertips moved up from my wrist, stroking the soft skin of my forearm, the crook of my elbow, then a little higher before trailing back down. Finally, his thumb pressed against my wrist again.

He did it because he needed it to read me better, to make sure he noticed when I felt overwhelmed or scared. That realization did a strange thing to my heart.

We kissed for a long time, and I started to feel hot between my legs. Yuta’s kisses were incredible, overwhelming; he led easily without making me feel like I was under his control. His breathing deepened ever so slightly as his mouth slid over mine, and the friction sent a new surge of heat through my core. I squirmed, pressing my thighs together. If Yuta noticed, he didn’t react, but his grip on my wrist tightened the slightest bit.

I put my free hand up against his naked chest and felt his muscles flex beneath my fingertips. His skin was covered with scars, and I began tracing them curiously until I accidentally grazed over his nipple. He groaned into my mouth, jerking slightly, and the motion caused something hard dig into my thigh.

I froze against him. Fear and my own arousal battled within my body. He had told me he was aroused, but feeling it made things more real.

He stopped kissing me and took a deep breath. “Tell me how you feel.”

“I’m okay.”

“That’s not a feeling.”

“I’m feeling okay,” I said again with more force. “Only startled.”

“Maybe we should stop, then.”

I didn’t want to stop, but maybe Yuta was right. Even if my body screamed for more, I wasn’t sure if I could actually handle it. I felt … overwhelmed again. “You’re right.”

He released my wrist and rolled over onto his back, farther away from me. A gaping hole opened in my stomach. I swallowed hard once then a second time. I knew I told Yuta I didn’t need him to fake affection, but maybe I was wrong.

Yuta’s head shifted toward me. “You are upset again.”

I wasn’t sure how he’d noticed this time. Maybe my breathing had changed again.

“I … I changed my mind about the simulated affection.” I was treading across a dangerous path. Living a lie wasn’t something I wanted to do, but with Yuta it was all I could have. Maybe simulated affection was better than nothing.

“Okay,” he said quietly. He angled his body toward me. “Would you like to fall asleep in my arms?”

My throat tightened. I didn’t say anything and moved closer to him. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me against him. His touch was light, never like a cage, always considerate. Stupid tears gathered in my eyes as I rested my cheek against his strong chest. His heart beat a calm rhythm. Did it ever speed up? Did it ever clench when he looked at me like mine sometimes did when I looked at him or like it had when I realized he always touched my wrist to make sure I was all right.

Chapter Text

When I woke the next morning, Yuta was gone. It was already past nine, so I missed watching him do laps in the pool. I went through my morning routine, put on shorts and a simple shirt, and headed downstairs. I walked through the main part of the house and into the kitchen. After making myself a quick breakfast of porridge, I decided to eat it outside so I could enjoy the beautiful weather. As I headed outside, the sound of a video game drew me into the gaming room. Haechan was in there again, focusing on a car race on the ginormous screen on the wall.

“Hey, Mark,” he said without looking away from the game. “Johnny brought over Doyoung this morning. He’s sunbathing in the garden.”

“Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

He gave me a strange look.

I smiled at him. “Never mind. Enjoy your game.” I hurried out of the French doors and down the small path to the swimming pool and lounge chairs. Just as Haechan had said, Doyoung was stretched out on one of them, reading a book. Something about the history of the Supreme Court. He glanced up as I approached, smiling, and put the book down on the table beside him.

“That doesn’t look like light reading,” I said, taking a seat on the chair across from him, my bowl of porridge wedged between my thighs.

“It’s not, but I want to prepare for college. I’m starting in a few months, and I don’t want to be completely clueless. What about you? Have you considered going to college?”

I frowned. I was raised to become a house-husband, knowing I would be married to a one a person working in Wayv. I said quietly. “I want a family to take care of. Boisterous kids that fill the house with life and laughter.” Maybe it was something I longed for because I never had a family like that.
Unconditional love was something only children could offer in our world.

“That’s okay,” Doyoung said with a smile. Then his brows dipped in thought.

“What?”

“I’m trying to imagine Yuta as a father and Jaehyun as an uncle…” He shook his head “…but I just can’t. They aren’t really the family type. I mean they are close as brothers, but otherwise … no.”

I knew what He meant. Yuta and his brothers were more than close. They were a unit. It’s us against the world. He’d probably want to keep living with them even if we had kids. Boisterous, loud-mouthed kids around Jaehyun? That was definitely something that made me wary. I shrugged.

“It’s not like we’ll have kids any time soon.” I pointed at my porridge. “Would you like some as well? I made more than I can eat.”

“I already had breakfast with Johnny .”

I nodded and ate a spoonful. For some reason I wasn’t hungry anymore.

“How are things between you and Yuta going?”

My cheeks heated as I tried to form a reply. “Better than I thought they would. He is being very considerate.”

Doyoung’s eyes widened. “Really?”

I giggled at his expression. “Really. I mean, it’s obviously not easy for him to understand my emotions, but he does his best and that’s all I can ask for.”

“I admire your strength. To be honest, Yuta scares me shitless, almost as much as Jaehyun does.”

I smiled because I understood him so well. “I know. And Jaehyun still does. I don’t think that will ever change. There’s something so … unhinged about him.”

“Unhinged is a bit of an understatement,” Doyoung said. “The way he rules over Japan …” She sighed.

“I’m not married to him. That’s a blessing, I suppose.”

“I really hope he never finds a poor woman/man he wants to marry.”

I couldn’t imagine Jaehyun settling down for a woman/man. Perhaps it would just be for the thrill of the conquest or that satisfaction of breaking her/him. I shuddered and pushed any thought of him aside. “Your Johnny isn’t any less scary than Yuta. You haven’t even grown up around men like him, yet you are with him. He is the Enforcer.”

Doyoung sat up, his expression thoughtful. “I know what he does is, what they all do is wrong, but I love him. I can’t help it. No one has ever been good to me, but he is. Maybe I’m selfish.”

I put down my bowl of porridge and reached for his hand, squeezing it. “You don’t have to justify your love. It’s something pure and beautiful, and I’m sure everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we just don’t understand why.”

His eyes searched mine. “What do you feel for Yuta?”

I wasn’t sure. Gratefulness. Affection. And sometimes something warmer and deeper that scared me. “Falling in love with Yuta would be foolish. He can’t return my feelings no matter what they are.”

“Love tends to turn us into fools,” Doyoung said quietly, but he dropped the subject and reclined on the lounge chair.

I decided to stretch out as well, even if I wasn’t wearing a bathing suit like Doyoung. Thinking about my situation, I had no intention of becoming that kind of fool. Falling in love with someone without emotions would be a horrible mistake.

In the early evening, I was back at the piano, tinkering with my song, when Yuta walked in. My fingers stumbled over the next few notes. He was dressed in only fight boxers, his skin covered in a fine sheen of sweat that made his tattoos stand out even more. My eyes trailed down his ripped stomach then followed over to his muscled arms and his strong hands wrapped in white tape. They were red in places. I quickly tore my eyes away, too late of course, because Yuta regarded me with a knowing expression. Thankfully, he didn’t say anything.

“Jaehyun’s ordering pizza for us now. I’m taking a quick shower then we can head over.”

“Sure,” I said slowly. “I’m not sure Jaehyun likes to have me around all the time when you have dinner.” In the past few weeks, they had been increasingly busy planning their attack on the Exo, so I often had dinner with Doyoung in our wing or even ate with Haechan, who wasn’t involved in the Neo’s dealings yet.

Yuta had also taken me out to dinner twice. Thankfully, spending evenings with all of the Nakamoto brothers had been a rare event.

Yuta tilted his head. “You are my husband. You are family. He can deal.”

My eyes lowered to his chest again, wondering how it would feel to explore every inch of his skin with my fingertips. I’d only briefly touched his chest.

Something in Yuta’s expression shifted, and he prowled over to me. There really was no other way to describe his movements. He lowered himself to his haunches beside me so we were almost at eye level as I sat on the piano bench. My breath caught in my throat when his mouth curled into a smile and his eyes reflected warmth.

My God, he was so good at faking affection. Too good. This was going to be my downfall, I knew it, but I could not tell him to stop. The scent of him washed over me, manly sweat and something that was only Yuta.

My breathing quickened and so did my pulse. Yuta reached for my hand, which lay limply on my thigh, and pressed his thumb to my wrist. Then he brought it up to his face and pressed a kiss to my palm, his brown eyes on my face the entire time. And I stared at his face in turn. That beautiful face, always perfectly cold but now filled with consciously created warmth. Even though I knew this was a lie, a lie that could break me in the end, I leaned forward and kissed him because with him giving me that tender look, I needed to be closer.

He returned the kiss and touched my cheek with his calloused hand. Not wanting him to read what this did to me, I closed my eyes. If I wanted this to work, I needed to either make peace with the truth that Yuta was faking emotions for me or I would have to try to pretend they weren’t faked. I knew the latter would be easier because Yuta was so scarily good at simulating.

Pushing any thought out of my mind, I allowed myself to drown in Yuta’s kiss, in his closeness and scent, and my body sprang to life. When Yuta pulled away eventually, my cheekbones were flushed, and I was panting. His thumb was stroking my pulse point lightly, and the small touch traveled through every part of my body. He wasn’t only good at simulating emotions, he was good at this as well. Genius and monster.

“We can do some more exploring after dinner if you like?” His voice was deep and raspy.

I gave a small nod, not trusting my voice to come out as more than a squeak. Yuta kissed my palm again before he stood, giving me a view of the bulge in his fight shorts, before he turned and headed upstairs to shower. My eyes followed his muscled, inked back, his narrow hips, and his firm butt.

I pressed shaking fingers to the piano keys. Where had I left of? I couldn’t remember. Instead, I turned my current emotional state into music. It was fast and erratic, but eventually the melody mellowed out, and my heartbeat calmed. I found my way back to the song I’d been working on before Yuta had arrived. With every passing minute, I relaxed further.

“You have been working on it for a while now,” he commented. I jumped. As usual, he moved so quietly that I didn’t hear him approach. Now he leaned against the wall, hands in his pockets. He was wearing a tight white T-shirt that accentuated his muscles and showed the dark outlines of his tattoos beneath.

“You recognize the melody?” I asked, surprised.

“I have good hearing and a good memory.”

“Is there anything you’re not good at?” I stood and moved over to him. His own eyes lingered on my bare legs, then moved higher, pausing briefly on my chest before they stopped on my face. Warmth flooded my body. It wasn’t the first time I noticed him looking at me like that.

“A couple of things,” he said quietly, holding out his hand. I slipped mine into his grasp without a second thought. “Come on. Jaehyun will be intolerable if the pizza gets cold.”

“Isn’t he always?”

Yuta’s mouth twitched. “He’ll be even more intolerable.”

“We don’t want that. One of these days, he’ll make a widower out of you.”

Yuta’s hand tightened around mine. “You are the safest boy in the city. Trust me.”

As we headed into the main part of the mansion, I risked the occasional glance at his face. He didn’t exactly look emotionless, more relaxed.

He glanced at me. “Everything okay?”

I nodded quickly, glad that we’d arrived in the gaming room where Chenle and Jaehyun were already waiting on us. As usual, dinner wouldn’t take place in the dining room at a proper table but on the sofa with pizza cartons strewn haphazardly around the living room table.

A fight was playing on the big TV screen. Jaehyun sat on one sofa and Chenle on the other. Neither wore shirts. It was hot outside, but I really wished they had chosen to wear more than sweatpants. Unlike Yutas, they didn’t have any tattoos on their torsos, only the marking of the Neo on their forearms and Jaehyun’s angel on his back.

They hadn’t begun eating yet.

“Where’s the kid? He’s driving me up the wall,” Jaehyun muttered then shouted, “Haechan, get your fucking ass down here. Pizza’s getting cold.”

I had eaten more pizza in my marriage to Yuta than in my entire life before him. Yuta led me toward Jaehyun’s sofa, but thankfully he sank down beside his brother. The sofas were huge, so we didn’t even have to sit very close, and yet sitting beside Jaehyun would have been too much. Yuta released my hand and grabbed a beer from the selection on the table.

I regarded the five extra-large pizzas. It was pretty clear which one was mine. Spinach, feta, tomatoes—the only one without any kind of meat.

Steps thundered down the stairs, and a moment later Haechan appeared in the living room. Without a greeting, he grabbed a piece of pizza, dropped down beside Chenle, and began eating.

Jaehyun shook his head but reached for a piece as well. They all shared pizzas, of course none of them touched mine. I gingerly picked up a slice then looked around for napkins that the delivery service usually packed but found none. “Do you have napkins?” I asked but got empty looks back.

“We have some in the bar, I believe,” Yuta said. He was about to get up, but I beat him to it. I turned to head for the bar.

“He’s got a nice ass if he doesn’t hide it under his baggy clothes,” Chenle commented.

I stiffened but kept moving.

“Careful,” Yuta murmured in a voice that made the little hairs in my neck rise.

“He isn’t one of our whores, Chenle. He is Yuta’s, and you better remember it the next time you open your fucking mouth,” Jaehyun muttered.

“Fuck. Don’t get your panties in a bunch,” Chenel said.

Relaxing, I found a handful of napkins next to a few dirty whisky glasses, picked them up, and headed back, hoping my cheeks weren’t red. Yuta’s intent gaze traced my face as I sank down beside him. I put the napkins on the table then placed one on my lap before I grabbed my piece of pizza.

“Chenle is sorry, you know? He’s just a stupid idiot,” Haechan said, catching my gaze across the table with a grin. I smiled back.

“Oh, shut up,” Chenle said.

I met his gaze. His dark eyes held wariness but also curiosity. He still regarded me as an intruder. I understood it. And other than Jaehyun, he showed it openly. It was one of the few things that reminded me that he was two years younger than me.

Taking another bite of pizza, I was glad when the attention shifted back to the cage fight on the television screen, which I was trying to ignore. I knew Doyoung had worked there for a while, and I wondered how he could stand the violence.

“Where’s Johnny?” Haechan asked with a full mouth.

“With Doyoung,” Yuta said simply.

Chenle rolled his eyes. “Pussy-whipped.”

After my third piece, I was stuffed. More than half my pizza was left. The men had wolfed down every last morsel of their food, of course. “You can eat my pizza if you are still hungry,” I suggested.

Four heads turned my way.

“There’s nothing dead on it,” Chenle said.

“We can change that in a heartbeat,” Yuta said dryly.

“I’m sure there are a couple of limbs you don’t need,” Jaehyun added, exchanging a smirk with Yuta.

Chenle snorted. “If anything’s going on that pizza, it’s Haechan’s dick. He’s not using it anyway.”

Haechan flushed, glancing at me before scowling at his brother. They probably would have started fighting if I wasn’t there.

“It’s delicious. You don’t need to add limbs or other body parts, believe me,” I said before it got out of hand.

Yuta shrugged and grabbed a piece then took a huge bite and gave a satisfied nod. “It’s edible.”

I huffed. Leaning back against the headrest, I curled my legs under me. Yuta put his arm on the rest behind me. I scooted a bit closer to him until I was tucked against his side. His eyes paused on my face for a moment before he lowered his arm and put his hand on my hip.

“Why don’t you eat meat?” Jaehyun asked, reclining against the backrest, on his second piece of my vegetarian pizza. He looked fairly relaxed.

“I like animals,” I said. I didn’t want to argue with them about animal cruelty in meat factories because I doubted they would understand; they tortured humans on a daily basis, after all.

“I like them too. Better than most humans,” Jaehyun said with a shrug. “Doesn’t mean I don’t eat them.”

“I prefer them in sausage form,” Chenle said with a grin, but he, too, ate a piece of my pizza and stretched out on the sofa, putting his bare feet on Haechan’s legs, who in turn wrinkled his nose.

“Great, now I have to smell your feet all evening.”

I couldn’t help laughing. Yuta gave me a look, but I couldn’t read his expression. Jaehyun, too, had his eyes on me, and for once he didn’t look pissed or furious, but he, too, made it difficult for me to gauge his emotions.

“you have very unique way to laugh” Jaehyun remarked. “Noticed it just now”

“thanks?” I replied.

“How about we watch this fight now?” Jaehyun said after a moment and turned up the volume.

I risked a look at the screen, where a massive man with arms as thick as my thighs was beating up his opponent before throwing him into the cage. I shivered at the rattling of the cage and the drunken cheers of the crowd.

Yuta reached for my wrist, never taking his eyes off the screen, and I stifled a smile, which died when the giant grabbed his opponent and smashed him down on his knee. The man’s back gave a sickening crunch, and he fell to the ground motionless.

I flinched violently against Yuta, and his arm tightened around me. “Is he … is he …?” I swallowed, my pulse racing. Yuta brows drew together.

“Dead,” Jaehyun said with a shrug.
My stomach turned voilently.

“That was a spectacular move,” Chenle commented, stuffing his face with another slice of pizza. How could he eat while a man died?

Yuta tapped my wrist, drawing my attention to his face. “We can switch to one of the street races.”

I caught the look Jaehyun sent Yuta. He disagreed, and he was right.

“No. If I want to be part of this family, I better get used to watching this.”

Chenle leaned back, a challenge in his eyes. “Then you should come to Roger’s Arena in two weeks. That’s when Yuta’s got his next fight.”

“What?” I leveled my widened eyes at Yuta.

“I haven’t fought in a while. It’s time.”

“That’s why we are watching this,” Jaehyun added. “The huge fucker is his opponent.”

I stared at Yuta in disbelief. “You can’t be serious. He broke someone’s back.”

“I will break his neck. That’s easier and has the same effect,” Yuta drawled.

I reached for the beer bottle he still held in the hand that wasn’t busy checking my pulse and took a deep gulp. Then I began coughing from the horrible taste.

Yuta gently pried the bottle from my hand, emptied it with one long sip, and set it back on the table.

“Silly,” Chenle muttered under his breath.

I put my head down on Yuta’s shoulder and focused on his chest as the next fight played out on the screen. When I felt Yuta’s hand on my ankle, I peered up at him, but his full attention was on the fight. All I could focus on were the small strokes of his fingers against my skin. The brothers began discussing strategies for Yuta’s next fight as they watched the giant’s previous fights. Yuta’s hand shifted again, sliding up to my naked outer thigh. I stilled, my breathing hitching in my throat. His warm, rough palm felt surprisingly good despite its proximity to more problematic areas, areas that held painful memories.

He didn’t move his hand, only rested it there, and I wasn’t even sure if he’d realized it or not because he was in an argument with Jaehyun about whether it was best to kill fast or let the fight play out for a while to entertain the audience. Eventually, he must have noticed my stillness and lowered his gaze to me. He moved his thumb lightly over my skin, his eyes remaining on my face. Goose bumps flashed across my skin. He leaned down to my ear, whispering. “Fear?”

I considered it for a moment then shook my head. Nervous, definitely yes, but not scared.

He nodded, obviously pleased.

“If this is turning into a fucking session, warn us, all right?” Chenle muttered.

Yuta narrowed his eyes, expression hardening. “Chenle, watch it.”

“What? Now I can’t say fucking because He is here?” He sat back up, scowling at me. “No strippers, no whores, and now you don’t want me to say fucking?” He looked at Jaehyun. “Tell him he needs to stop acting like a fucking pussy and show Mark who’s boss.”

“I think He knows who’s boss,” Jaehyun said with a twisted smile. “And you stop bitching. Take a whore into your room if you are so horny teenager.”

Chenle leaned back with a challenging glint aimed at Yuta. “What no ‘watch it’ when Jaehyun says pussy?”

Yuta rolled his eyes and relaxed again. “With you there is still hope. Jaehyun is a lost cause.”

Chenle chuckled. “Yeah, that’s a given.”

“I don’t care if you say fuck,” I said. “This is your house and you can talk however you like.”

“It is our house,” Yuta said firmly. “And he can say fuck and whatever else he wants as long as he doesn’t insult you. You are mine, and I won’t have him insult you.”

“Geez, I didn’t insult him. I asked if you were about to fuck. That’s a valid question, don’t you think?”

Donghyuck gave me a look, which made me laugh again.

“We aren’t about to fuck, satisfied?” Yuta asked.

Chenle grinned. “More satisfied than you, obviously.”

Luckily, the conversation returned to fight strategies after that, but Chenle’s words kept replaying in my mind.
Would I ever be able to satisfy Yuta. I wasn’t even sure I would ever be able to touch him there.

When Yuta. stepped out of the bathroom in only his briefs, I realized how stupid my concerns were. My eyes never seemed to get enough of watching him, but my fingers now itched to touch as well.

“What do you want?” he asked as he walked toward the bed.

“Touch you,” I admitted.

He stopped right in front of the bed, allowing me to see him in all his muscled glory. I swallowed, getting overwhelmed again.

“Do you want me to keep my briefs on?”

I nodded quickly because if he got naked, I’d lose my courage.

“Of course.” He nodded toward the nightstand. “Cuffs?”

“Yes.”

He grabbed the handcuffs from the nightstand, cuffed his left hand to the bedpost, and stretched out on the bed.

I knelt beside him. He looked completely at ease as he lay sprawled out on the bed. His eyes trailed over me, taking in every inch.

“You can touch me wherever you want.”

“Where do you want me to touch you?” I knew the answer to that question, of course.

“This is about you, Mark. Touch me where you want.”

Gathering my courage, I ran my hands over his chest then down his abs until my fingertips grazed his waistband. Then I quickly backed up. I kept my eyes on my hands as I explored his muscled chest, but his eyes were on me the entire time. I ran my fingernails lightly over his chest, scraping across his nipples, and he exhaled deeply.

I stifled a smile and repeated the motion then moved lower. Avoiding his briefs, I moved on to his legs, massaging his strong thighs, before I returned to his torso once more. A while after my ministrations, he grew hard under his briefs. My hands paused on his abs.

“You are in control,” he assured me. His voice was deeper than ever before. My uncle had guided my hand last time, forced it down onto his erection, forced me to rub him. I’d hated the feel of him. Swallowing the growing lump in my throat, I pushed any thought of the past aside.

I ran my hands back up to his chest then down again, over his hips and down his thighs, and then on the way up, I brushed over him with my thumbs, barely touching him. He grew harder immediately, and I repeated the motion then moved back up to his chest. Yuta’s eyes were keen as he watched me, his breathing deeper and his body taut like a bowstring. His hand came up to stroke my upper arm, a whisper of a touch that sent tingles into every nerve ending. “I can touch you like that as well if you want.”

“But won’t you need both your hands?”

He tilted his head. “It would add to your enjoyment, but if you feel threatened we should keep me restrained.

“No, let’s try it without the cuffs.” I leaned over and opened them for him. He lifted up, bringing our faces close. I pressed my mouth against his, and he took the lead as he always did. My eyes fluttered shut as warmth settled in my core from the skillful way his lips and tongue worked me. I moaned softly into his mouth, and he pulled back. I peered up at him questioningly.

“I think we can move on now,” I said.

His mouth twitched in an almost smile and a hint of warmth reflected in his eyes. Simulated affection but so good.

“What should I do?” I asked uncertainly.

“You could lie on your back, and I’ll start massaging your legs and arms and see how you like it.”

I scooted lower and lay back. Yuta knelt beside my legs, giving me a perfect view up his strong body. The overwhelming sense of losing control, or worse fear, never set in. He reached for my left foot and began massaging my sole with just the right amount of pressure. Then he moved on to my ankle. His touch switched between feather light and more pressure as he worked his fingers up my calf.

My core throbbed, and I could feel myself growing hard under his touch. His gaze followed the trail of his hands. “Can I remove your shorts?”

“Sure,” I said quietly.

He unbuttoned them slowly and pulled them down my legs, his fingers grazing my skin. My heart felt ready to burst out of my ribcage. Yuta raised my foot up onto his thighs and stroked my knee then applied gentle pressure on the skin just above it. I released a soft breath. Watching my face, he grabbed my ankle again and raised it as he bent forward. He pressed a kiss to the inside of my ankle before his tongue tasted the same spot, hot and wet and inexplicably perfect.

I shivered and could feel myself grow even more aroused. How could this feel so good? He shifted my leg again and pressed a light kiss to my calf. Finally his eyes lowered from my face and darted lower. It took me a moment to realize what he was looking at. The way he held my leg, he could see up to my panties.

He released a long breath and his expression became more strained. Embarrassment and insecurity filled me, accompanied by a hint of wariness because of my exposed state.

Yuta met my gaze, and his eyes sent another pleasant shudder down to my core. He looked immensely pleased.

“Your body responds perfectly to stimulation,” he murmured. “This is very good. It will make our explorations very pleasurable for you.”

“So confident,” I said with a small, nervous
Yuta smirked and kissed my calf again before he sucked the skin into his mouth and nibbled lightly while his other hand trailed up my arm. I shuddered again. This felt impossibly good.

He released my skin. “I would like to give your chest some attention.”

I paused. My nipples were already painfully hard straining against my clothes, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready to get out of my shirt. Though Yuta had seen me like that before, but for some reason I still had trouble baring myself to him.

“You can keep your shirt on, and I’ll just push it up a bit. The skin over your ribs and on your belly is very sensitive. If I give it some attention, you might come close to climax without any friction between your legs, which I know you aren’t ready for yet.”

It was so very scary how easily he could read me.

“Okay,” I said breathlessly.

His strong hands reached for the hem of my shirt and slowly pushed it up. I shivered when his thumbs lightly grazed my skin as he did it. His eyes locked with mine as he lowered himself to his side, his head level with my ribcage. My stomach twisted with nerves but I wanted this. Yuta put his palm against my belly, and my muscles constricted under his touch.

“You tell me when you want me to stop.”

I nodded. He began moving his thumb, brushing my skin and raising goose bumps all over my body. His eyes trailed from my stomach, down to my panties, then over the length of my legs before they focused on my eyes. “You have a beautiful body,” he said appreciatively.

I flushed. “Thank you.”

He moved his hand over my belly and dipped his fingertips under the waistband of my panties. When I tensed, he pulled back. He didn’t go near my panties after that and instead stroked my belly. I held my breath when he lowered his head and pressed a kiss to the skin. How could he be this good at gentleness?

Yuta was a patient man. Whenever I flinched, he stopped, only to try something else. Soft kisses and touches. His lips took a long time on the sensitive skin over my ribs, kissing and nibbling. My nipples strained against the fabric of my shirt, and Yuta regarded them as he kissed the spot where the fabric was bunched. His brown eyes rose to meet mine.

“Would you like to have me restrained again?”

For a moment, I was so caught up in the sensations he had summoned that I wasn’t sure what he was talking about, but I nodded anyway. He got off the bed and came back with the handcuffs. Then he cuffed one of his hands to the headboard as he leaned his back against it. I pulled my shirt over my head before my brain could get in the way.

“If you lean over, I can kiss your Nipples if you like.”

So calm, controlled, and clinical but with an underlying tension in his silky voice that betrayed his arousal.
He had seen me naked on our wedding night, but I was still uncomfortable with his calm scrutiny. I had no way of knowing if he approved of what he saw.

“Scoot up,” he said.

I did and knelt beside him. He reached up slowly and touched my shoulder, his palm warm against my skin. He applied the lightest pressure until I leaned down, bringing my chest toward his face. He parted his lips and closed them around my nipple in a delicious cocoon of heat and wetness. I gasped from the sensation and had to support myself against his chest, bringing my chest closer to his face. His eyes seemed to see right through me and knew exactly what I desired as his tongue began to circle my nipple.

It was incredible, overwhelming, and so good.

He settled back and began to leisurely suck at my nipple, tugging, swirling, nibbling until I was sopping wet. I had never been aroused like this, but Yuta’s mouth and his intense gaze caused unexpected sensations. I pressed my legs together, feeling like I was going to implode if I didn’t find some relief soon.

Yuta’s eyes were drawn to the movement, but he kept up his ministrations. I couldn’t look away from his face, from the desire in his eyes and the way he lavished my nipples.

He released my nipple with a wet sound and exhaled. My cheeks burned. He lifted his hand off his stomach and moved it to my leg then rested it lightly on my knee. I stilled, but my core sprang to life, needy and desperate. I didn’t know it could be like this.

He lay still too, brown eyes tracing my face. “You can lead my hand if you want.”

“What?” I whispered, my brain barely functioning.

“If you would like to have me touch you and give you pleasure, you can lead my hand.”

“But I wouldn’t even know what to do. You are the one who does.”

“I do, and my touch will be very pleasurable, but you are still tense.”

My brows drew together at his confidence. “You are a bit full of yourself.”

He tilted his head with the hint of amusement. “I’m only good at estimating my own talents, and I’m good at giving pleasure.”

“And inflicting pain,” I added.

“That too, but that’s not something you have to worry about for now.” His thumb stroked my knee lightly.
“for now?” I asked.
“Mark, I’m not a type of person who does Vanilla sex.” Yuta quietly said.
“then what type you are” I grew curious.
“Someone who like kinky? Having the other person tied up, blindfolded or….” Yuta trailed.

While I couldn’t help but picture myself in handcuffs and blindfolded.

“Why don’t you let me suck your nipple again. You seemed to enjoy that.”

I nodded and leaned forward. He latched onto my nipple, and I instantly moaned. “Now your other one,” he murmured when I could barely hold myself up above him. I shifted and he circled his tongue over my nipple then sucked it into his mouth while his hand came up to knead my other nipple. My center began to pulsate, lightly at first, and then a shudder passed over me, spreading out from between my legs.

Yuta sucked my nipple a bit harder. I gasped and felt more wetness pool between my legs as my center throbbed. I froze above Yuta, and he released my nipple.

“What happened?” I asked, stunned.

“I think you might have had an orgasm. It wasn’t a strong one, but my sucking of your nipple was enough to stimulate you without friction.”

Heat rose into my cheeks. “Oh, wow.”

Yuta’s eyes were intent as they trailed over my chest then lower. “If I touch you there, it will intensify tenfold, trust me.”

I regarded him and my gaze darted down to the hard outline of him beneath his briefs. Not giving myself a moment to worry, I reached for him and cupped him through the material. He let out a sharp exhale and twitched against my palm. I scooted down, despite my racing pulse.

Yuta was handcuffed to the headboard. It was safe for me.

I was done allowing the past to hold me down. I was done being a prisoner of Dong’s. He was dead. Yuta had tortured and killed him for me. Now it was my turn to kill the man’s memory.

Fingers shaking, I hooked them under Yuta’s waistband and pulled his briefs down. His stomach rippled with tension, but he made no sound. I didn’t dare look up at his face for fear of losing my courage.

I had seen Yuta naked before, but I’d never risked more than fleeting glances. This time I allowed myself to watch his erection as I brought my palms down on his thighs. There was no reason for me to be afraid of Yuta’s nakedness. And I wasn’t disgusted by his body, not even his erection, like I had been of Dong’s. Yuta was beautiful all over, even with the scars and the tattoos—or maybe because of them. They were part of him, and I couldn’t imagine how he would look without them.

My eyes lingered on his erection. He was long and thick and circumcised. A brief moment of panic burst through me at the idea of having him inside of me, remembering the pain from long ago, but I pushed it aside. I curled my fingers around the base, and Yuta released a low breath, but he kept very still. I was in control of this. Nobody forced me to do this. I wanted it. My choice.

I began moving my hand slowly, up and down, focusing on the present, on my breathing, on Yuta’s low exhales, on the silkiness of him in my palm. He was tense under my touch, and when I finally dared to look up, his eyes burned into me with desire.

I shuddered, my movements faltering for a moment, but then I tightened my grip and sped up. This time I kept my eyes on his face, needing to see him, needing to see what I did to him. Yuta never looked away as I rubbed him harder and faster, his breathing turning into pants. My own breathing turned labored as I watched him, watched his beautiful face. His free hand gripped the edge of the mattress as his expression twisted and his thigh muscles contorted under my hand. “If you keep it up, I’m going to come,” he rasped.

I didn’t stop. I needed to continue. My lips parted when Yuta’s eyes closed. His hips thrust upwards, and he came with a shudder. Nothing was more beautiful than Yuta’s perfectly cold face alight with passion. My gaze flitted down to my hand as he came over my fingers.

Stilling, my breathing lodged in my chest. He twitched twice, and then Yuta, too, stilled. It became very quiet around us except for the pounding of my heart in my ears.

                                  Yuta

Mark stared down at his hand wrapped around my softening cock with my cum all over it. He was tense and his expression was impossible for me to read. I sat up, unlocked the handcuff, and gently pried his hand off me. Then I stood and tugged him along. He followed me without a word into the bathroom, where I turned the water on in the sink on and held his hand under it, washing my cum off. I could only assume it had triggered memories from the past.

His brows drew together, and finally he raised his eyes to mine. “Why did you do that?”

I regarded him, trying to read him expression, but it was only puzzled not upset. I dried his hand then curled my fingers around his wrist. His pulse was fast but not as fast as it was when he was scared. “I assumed you were upset because I came over your hand.”

“I wasn’t,” he said quietly.

I tilted my head. “Then why did you tense? You looked upset.”

“I was stunned and relieved,” he said slowly. “Because I was worried I couldn’t do it. That it would remind me too much of what he did, but it didn’t. I wasn’t disgusted.”

“That’s good,” I murmured. I hadn’t expected him to touch me today, but he must have felt safe with me being restrained. He smiled up at me, and I returned the smile. His expression softened further. He pressed up against me, and my hands automatically wrapped around his waist. “Let me touch your, Mark. I want to make you feel good. I want to make you come hard.”

A blush spread on his high cheekbones. There was still uncertainty on his face.

“My fingers won’t bring pain, only pleasure. Trust me.”

“I do,” he said quietly.

I led him back into the bedroom, and Mark lay down on the bed, watching me with a small, tense smile. I knelt beside him. “I will massage your legs and work my way up. For now, you’ll keep your panties on, okay?”
he nodded.

As I put my palms on his bare thighs, his skin tightened under the touch. “You just say ‘stop’ when you want me to stop,” I told him firmly, meeting his gaze.

“Okay,” he said.

I began kneading his outer thigh, and after a moment he relaxed, but I didn’t move on. Eventually, I widened my movements, my fingertips stroking the soft inner side of his thighs where the small scar was. Mark’s breathing deepened. I brushed my palm higher, finally reaching his panty-covered mound. He sucked in a breath, and I glanced up at him and found him watching me.

“Do you want me to stop?”

He gave a quick shake of his head, and I smiled. “Good.”

I ran my palm over his panties again, and he rocked his hips lightly. This time as I brushed my hand over his cock, I slid my middle finger over the little dip, brushing over the tip. He arched up with a surprised little moan, and I repeated the motion. His panties stuck to his cock wet flesh, giving me a perfect view of his outline. His heat and wetness was tantalizing against my skin. His heady scent teased my nose and made me want to bury my face in his lap and lick up his arousal.

I moved my fingertip lightly over his cock, and Mark moaned then flushed, biting his lip. I repeated the motion. “Don’t quiet yourself. Let me hear you. That way I know you enjoy what I’m doing.” Though, his soaked panties were a fucking good indicator as well.

Lightly rocking the heel of my palm against him, my finger brushed his clit. Eventually, he moved his hips against me, his hands fisting the sheets.

His eyes lowered to my groin area. I knew he’d find me hard.

“Come for me, Mark,” I ordered.

He moaned again, almost helplessly, hid body beginning to shake under my touch. I sped up my finger. “Y-Yuta” he gasped. “I … I … oh God.” His eyes widened and then hid hips bucked, and he cried out as he shuddered violently. I slowed my strokes, enjoying the way his panties clung to his with arousal.

My cock ached for another release, for his taste and warmth. He was so fucking wet. It would have been so very pleasurable if I’d fucked him now, but his fear still prevented it.

Lifting my finger, I kept up the pressure of my palm against his center, knowing it would prolong his orgasm.

He watched me with parted lips, his hair, a wild mess around his head. “Thank you,” he whispered.

“For giving you an orgasm?” I asked with a hint of amusement.

I climbed back up to him and stretched out beside him. He moved closer, and I wrapped my arm around him. “For never going beyond what I can take,” he said quietly. “For showing me that being touched there doesn’t have to be painful.”

He put his head down on my chest, and my body relaxed at the feel of his warmth.

Chapter Text

MARK

I was a nervous wreck. This was the first time I’d be returning to Korea since marrying Yuta, after the bloody sheets scandal. Jeno’s description of the aftermath of that day was probably softened for my sake.

I’d be the center of attention. People would whisper behind my back. They would judge me for actions that weren’t even my own.

Yuta stepped up to me. “We should head out now. The plane ride takes almost five hours, and we need to be at your uncle’s house around seven p.m.”

I nodded and my stomach tightened even more.
“Where’s your dress?” he asked.

I pointed toward the dark blue modest dress hanging on the door. It was one of the dresses Aunt Bora had bought for me a couple of years back. It was the safe choice.

Yuta shook his head once. He walked into our walk-in closet and emerged a few minutes later with the Red and Black color dress I bought a few weeks ago.

My eyes widened. “If I wear that, people will be staring even more.”

Yuta tilted his head. “You are a Nakamoto, my Husband, and you won’t try to hide. You will hold your head high and show them that they are beneath you. Show them how beautiful you are. Let them stare.”

I blinked and nodded mutely. He made it sound so easy.

Jaehyun, Yuta, and I took the private jet to Seoul. Chenle, Haechan, and Johnn stayed in Osaka since this was more of a family matter, it being my uncle’s seventieth birthday. Jaehyun, as the Boss of the Neo, was invited as a guest of honor, though I assumed that my aunt and uncle weren’t too enthused about having him under their roof.

We would be staying in a hotel this time because Jeno and Jaemin as well as my other step-siblings, were already spending the night at my aunt and uncle’s house. And of course because pretty much every member of the Wayv had grown even more wary of Yuta and Jaehyun since they killed Dong on my wedding night.
We arrived later than expected at our hotel, so I had to hurry getting ready. When I was dressed in the red dress I couldn’t tear my eyes from the mirror.
Yuta came up behind me with a pleased look. “You will be the center of attention, Mark, as you should be. You are a sight to behold. Blood red is your color.”
I huffed out a laugh. “People will think of the bloody sheets, no doubt.”
Yuta put his hands on my hips, and without thinking about it, I leaned back against him, relishing in the feel of his strong body pressed up against my back. “Let them remember the sheets. It’s what will happen to anyone who dares to touch you.”
I shivered at the expression on his face. So cold and cruel. So beautiful. Yuta in his black tux and blood red bowtie was a breathtaking sight on his own, but together we looked perfect, like we were meant to be together. It was a ridiculous thought, a romantic notion I would never utter aloud because Yuta wouldn’t understand.
“Come now, we don’t want to be late,” he murmured, but his eyes traveled over my neckline once more, and the desire in his expression tightened my core.
Jaehyun was already waiting in the lobby of the hotel when Yuta and I arrived. Jaehyun, too, was dressed in a tuxedo, but he wore a black bowtie. I’d never seen him this dressed up, not even at my wedding.
His eyes took their time assessing me. Then he smirked. “I bet a few people will be hit with unpleasant memories when they see your dress.”
I wrung my hands as the rented limousine dropped us off in front of my old home. Yuta wrapped his arm around my waist, his hand resting possessively on my hip.

I took a deep breath.

“Hold your head high,” Yuta reminded me quietly.

Jaehyun looked at us curiously. “Don’t let any of those fuckers put you down because your father was a traitor. Don’t let them put you down for any other shit either. You are a Nakamoto now. If one of them doesn’t show respect, tell me or Yuta and we’ll handle them.”

“Thanks,” I said with a small smile.

Jaehyun gave a quick nod. I wasn’t quite as terrified of him as I had been before, and he tried not to scare me too much. Maybe we’d come to an understanding eventually.
The door to the mansion swung open. Aunt Bora and Uncle Jung came into view. Their eyes widened when they settled on me.

Yuta squeezed my hip, and I raised my head, forcing a smile.

Nakamoto Mark. Someone new. Not the boy who hid in the corners.

When we arrived in front of them, there was a moment of awkward silence, then I said quickly, “Happy birthday, Uncle Jung” and his expression softened.

“Thank you, Mark. You look incredible.”

“You do,” Aunt Bora agreed. “What a strong color.”

I gave her a quick hug as well then stepped back so Yuta and Jaehyun could greet her and my uncle. Yuta handed the expensive limited-edition scotch to my uncle, who visibly relaxed. It became apparent very quickly that neither Bora nor Jung enjoyed being around Yuta and Jaehyun.

We followed them inside. The house had been decorated with fresh flowers, and the living room was filled with guests and so was the garden. A buffet had been set up in the adjoining dining room, and waiters walked around with trays loaded with champagne and appetizers. The moment Yuta and I entered the room, all eyes turned to us, and most people didn’t manage to hide their surprise seeing me dressed like this.

Jeno motioned for me to join her and Jaemin. I glanced at Yuta who released my waist. “Jaehyun and I will go talk to Yangyang. Why don’t you head over to your step-sibling?”

I nodded and quickly made my way over to him. He wrapped me in a tight embrace then pulled back and scanned my outfit, a proud expression on his face. “Finally, you’re showing off your beauty. You look absolutely stunning.”
I smiled then nodded at Jaemin. He made no move to touch me. He had always been careful not to do so unless absolutely necessary. Jeno and I had never discussed this, but I was fairly sure he had talked to him about what happened to me years ago. He was his husband, so it was only natural to share intimate details.

“How are things in Osaka?” Jaemin asked, but from the tension in his expression, I could tell that Jeno must have given him a hard time because he’d been worrying about me.

I gripped my Jeno’s hand and squeezed. “I’m doing well. You don’t have to worry anymore.”

His eyes darted over to Yuta, who was listening to something Yangyang had to say. “You can tell me if something’s wrong, Mark. We can help you.”

I laughed. “Jeno, I don’t need your help. I’m now a Nakamoto. I’m probably the safest person here, well protected.”
He regarded me with surprise then exchanged a look with his husband. “Wow. What did they do to you?”

I glanced towards Yuta n Jaehyun, as if he could feel my eyes on him, he turned, meeting my gaze. My lips pulled into a smile. “He taught me my worth.”

Jeno touched my shoulder, his lips parting. “You like him?”

I couldn’t look away from Yuta. “I like him,” I said quietly, and my body warmed at my admittance. Deep down, I realized that perhaps I did more than just like him.

Jeno grabbed my hand and led me outside into a secluded part of the garden. “Mark, how is this possible?”

“What? I thought you’d be happy that I feel home in Osaka, that my marriage to Yuta isn’t hell as I’d originally feared.”
“I am happy for you, it’s just so hard to believe that the Nakamotos treat you right.”

I shrugged. “It is like you said: some men don’t bring violence home with them. Yuta is one of them. He knows how strong he is, how powerful. He doesn’t have to humiliate me to feel powerful.”

The first real smile spread over Jeno’s face, and he hugged me again. “I’m so happy for you.”

People kept staring when we returned to the party, but they kept their distance. In the past it had been because they didn’t want to be associated with a traitor; now it seemed as if they were scared. Eventually, I found myself back at Yuta’s side, his hand a reassuring presence on my hip.

“You’re doing good,” he murmured. His praise filled me with pride.

I felt relieved when we returned to our hotel later that night. Even after less than two months, Osaka already felt more like a home than Seoul ever had, and I longed to be back where people didn’t judge me for my past.

A couple of days later, I woke with Yuta when he got up for his swim. I decided to stay in bed for once and grab a couple of hours of additional sleep. Yuta surprised me when he sat down and leaned in close, mouth near my ear. “Tonight, I want to explore every inch of your body with my mouth,” he said, and heat rose to my cheeks. “It’ll be more intense than anything we’ve done so far. I’m very good at it.”

All I could do in response was nod, stunned into silence, but my body exploded with heat. Yuta got up, his swim trunks tenting, and turned to leave.

I closed my eyes, trying to imagine his mouth between my legs, wondering how it would feel. Restless and hot, I clamped my thighs together. My fingers found their way between my legs, and I stroked myself the way Yuta had told me to, imagining his deep, low voice, his hands, his mouth … and I came with a small shudder, but it wasn’t enough. Not even close.

Slipping out of bed, I opted for a long shower to clear my mind.

That evening I prepared dinner for the first time. I wasn’t sure if the brothers would appreciate it, considering it was meatless, but the three-cheese lasagna sounded delicious and as it cooked in the oven, its enticing scent gave me hope that I actually managed to create something edible.

I went in search of the brothers but found only one, Jaehyun, who was kicking the punching bag as if it had personally insulted him. It was his favorite pastime.
He tossed a look my way but didn’t immediately stop his assault.

“Where’s Yuta?”

“Shower.” Kick. “He worked out with Haechan today.” Kick. Punch. Punch. Kick.

“I cooked for us.”

Jaehyun paused, his dark eyes narrowing. “For you and Yuta?”

“For all of us,” I said quietly, shifting nervously under his harsh glare.

He moved closer despite my rising tension he stopped in front of me. “No running or flinching today?”

I pursed my lips. “I never ran from you.”

He leaned in closer and closer, I kept my eyes on him slightly pulling my upper body back and kept my foot rooted.

“You did when I fucked the whore on the pool table.” He showed the towel he took from the sofa behind me. I felt annoyed that he made fun of me that way.

Steps sounded a moment later and Yuta approached.
“That is an unsettling sight.”

“Your husband cooked for us,” Jaehyun said.

Yuta glanced at me. He smelled of his spicy shower gel. A few wet strands hung down his forehead and temples.

“Haechan took me grocery shopping today. I thought it would be nice to have a home-cooked meal for once.”

My eyes darted to his mouth, trying to imagine how it would feel, but I came up short. My imagination wasn’t very good.

“I assume no animal was harmed,” Jaehyun muttered.

Yuta sent his brother a warning look. Jaehyun only grinned almost evil.

“It is vegetarian, yes, but your cholesterol levels will get their fill. Don’t worry. It’s layered with mozzarella, pecorino, and taleggio cheese.”
“About three pounds of cheese,” Haechan added as he sauntered down the steps, his wet hair tousled.

“Do you need my help?” Yuta asked.

“You could carry it over here. The pan is heavy.”

Yuta followed me into the kitchen, his warm palm pressed up against my back.

“It needs five more minutes,” I told him after another peek inside the oven, avoiding looking at his face because that led to me looking at his mouth and that led to more distracting thoughts. Yuta regarded me quietly. He cupped my face and brushed his thumb over my cheekbone.

“You are nervous.”

I licked my lips, my eyes drawn up to his mouth then a bit higher. He moved closer and kissed me, slow and hot and with a promise of more. His tongue was almost playful as it circled mine, teasing but still dominant. Flustered, I pulled back. It was the first time Yuta had initiated a kiss, the first time we’d been intimate outside of our bedroom.

“That’s what I’ll do tonight,” he murmured then added in an even lower voice, “Between your legs.”

I shivered. Yuta was less careful around me; it was exciting and terrifying, and I didn’t want it any other way.

He pulled back, brown eyes evaluating my face. He reached for my wrist, brushing his thumb across the sensitive skin before he kissed it. “Remember, there’s nothing for you to fear when you are in bed with me.”

I nodded. My dry throat made swallowing difficult. “I think the lasagna is done.”
Yuta took out the large pan and carried it into the gaming room. I carried plates, napkins, and cutlery. Chenle, Haechan, and Jaehyun had already taken their usual seat. For a moment, I considered asking them to have dinner in the dining room but then decided against it.

“That smells good,” Haechan said as he leaned over the lasagna the moment Yuta set it down on a wooden trivet.

“Are you surehedidn’t poison the food?” Chenle asked with a grin, but he was already loading up his plate with lasagna.

Yuta put his hand on my bare knee as he sat down beside me. “Mark and I have plans for tonight, so I don’t think he will poison me just yet. Am I right?”

Heat blasted my cheeks.

“TMI, Yuta ” Haechan muttered.

“TLI if you ask me,” Chenle said with a grin. “It was more fun when you still shared your fuck adventures with us, Yuta. Now I only get to hear Jaehyun’s twisted shit.”
I was sure my head would explode with embarrassment any minute.

“If you don’t want to hear my twisted shit, I’ll share it with only Yuta and Jhonny in the future.”

“I don’t think anyone wants to hear it,” I said.

Jaehyun leaned back, regarding me with a sinister smile on his face. “Not everyone’s cut out for shitty vanilla sex, so sue me. And if I remember right, Yuta and Johnny enjoyed the rougher side of things, hard core too, before your boys castrated you.”

I chanced a look at Yuta, but his face didn’t give anything away. The lasagna was delicious, and the men dug in as if it were their last meal. As usual, they taunted each other and argued. It always gave me a strange sense of belonging when they acted like family around me.

After dinner, Yuta and I retreated to our wing. When Yuta closed the door to our bedroom, I peered up at him curiously. “What did Jaehyun mean with the rougher side of things and hard core?”

Yuta shook his head. “It doesn’t mean what you think it means Mark”.

“You don’t know what I think,” I said quietly. “Maybe you are a genius, but you aren’t a mind reader.”

Yuta wrapped his fingers around my wrist and tugged me closer. Then he leaned down. “I don’t have to be a mind reader to recognize the look on your face, Mark.”

I sighed. “So you never had normal sex…” My voice shook.

“Never,” he said firmly and relief filled me. His thumb stroked my wrist. “How about we explore some more now?”

I gave a mute nod, excitement coursing through my body. Yuta led me toward the bed. “If you want me to go down on you, it would be wise not to have me restrained … unless you feel comfortable sitting on my face.”

My eyes flew open in shock. “No,” I finally managed. “Definitely not.”

Yuta’s lips twitched at the corners. “That’s what I thought.”

My cheeks were hot as I rolled my eyes. Stepping closer, I stood on my tiptoes and curled my hand around Yuta’s neck. He lowered his head at once, claiming my mouth and wrapping an arm around my back. I lost myself in his kiss until he began to lower us to the bed. I felt the soft mattress beneath me as Yuta hovered over me.

He pulled away, his eyes tracing my face. “Fear?” he asked quietly, holding his body above me.

It was ridiculous to be scared because it was Yuta, but how Dong had felt hovering over me always returned to my mind, even if I didn’t want the memories to hold me back.

Yuta lowered himself to the bed beside me, and I quickly returned kissing him. He complied without hesitation and as usual took lead. I surrendered to his expert tongue, feeling my center heat. His hand stroked my side then slipped below my shirt, touching skin and creating goose bumps. His fingers reached higher then brushed over my lace bra. My nipples puckered under the touch, and I moaned into his mouth. His hand cupped my hard cock and kneaded lightly at first then his touch grew firmer. Gathering my courage, I reached for Yuta, needing to feel him. My hands slid over his muscled chest, down to his ripped stomach until I reached the hem of his shirt. I tugged at it.

Yuta pulled away from my mouth, sat up, and yanked his shirt over his head. My eyes took in his torso, the muscles, the scars, the tattoos, and as usual, my body filled with thousands of butterflies. Before he had even lain back down, my hands were already roaming over his chest. He propped himself up to allow me to explore. His eyes were on my face, but my eyes remained on my fingers as they stroked his pecs then grazed his nipples.

He exhaled, and I repeated the motion, loving that I could break through Yuta cold demeanor with such a small touch. It felt empowering. Exhilarating.

“How about we get rid of your shirt as well?” Yuta murmured, hands reaching for the hem of my shirt. I raised myself up so he could pull it over my head.

His eyes traveled over my body, lingering on my chest, and then his lips returned to mine as his fingers tugged at my nipple. Fingers and lips caressed my, shoulders and stomach, as he left a burning need in their wake. Despite my body’s need, I froze when Yuta reached for my panties. So far he’d touched me through the fabric. It gave me the illusion of safety.

I lifted my hips, and Yuta took me up on my invitation, but his eyes remained on my face as he laid me bare to his eyes. His palm stroked my thigh then slowly up it, moving over the small patch of dark hair between my legs. I held my breath when his thumb touched my slick nub for the first time without a barrier. Arching up, I moaned.

His finger nimbly stroked my balls, but he never dipped between them. I wasn’t sure how good he was at reading me … if he understood that having his fingers so close to my entrance scratched the surface of painful memories. Yuta moved to the end of bed and eased my ankles apart. I knew what he was about to do and tried to make my body relax.

He stretched out between my thighs, his tattooed biceps flexing as he parted me wide. My center clenched, followed by my thighs, when he lowered his gaze to my center.

“Fear?” he asked quietly, intently. I wasn’t afraid of that. He had never done that to me.

“Nerves,” I admitted.

“Of what?” His breath ghosted over my wet heat, and I trembled with anticipation, nerves, and need.

It was hard to explain. “I don’t know.”

He leaned forward. “This is going to be good for you, Mark. Try to focus on my tongue and my lips. Don’t think about anything else.”

His breath fanned over my clit, and then his tongue slid over me lightly, dipping between my folds before it fluttered over my nub. I whimpered from the sensation.

“Good?” Yuta asked against me, his voice deep and calm.

I nodded, my fingers digging into the bedsheets. Yuta’s tongue did a small flutter again, and my muscles finally loosened. He eased my thighs farther apart with his shoulders and dragged his tongue down to my opening. I tensed briefly, and he moved back up quickly. Again, his tongue fluttered over my clit then over my folds before he dipped lower and repeated the same motion over my entrance. Intense pleasure coursed through me, and this time my body didn’t tense. Yuta’s tongue flicked lightly over my opening then he twirled it around and increased the pressure, easing the tip into me. I released a surprised gasp.

He let out a low hum, which sounded like approval, and my eyes darted down to watch him. His gaze rested on my folds as he circled my opening with his tongue. He seemed to enjoy it, and that realization banished the last of my nerves. He flicked his tongue over my erection again, with light nudges and twirls, and then I could feel something building; tension tightened deep in my core, mounting with every lick and flick, until I shattered. I cried out, shuddering through my release.

Yuta groaned against me, moving lower, and lapped at my entrance with slow strokes. My eyes widened as my walls clenched again under his ministrations.

“Ride it out,” he ordered in a low voice.

He began to use firm licks to heighten my pleasure again. It was incredible, impossible. This felt better than anything ever had.

“Yuta,” I whimpered as he worked me with gentle care. “This feels so good.”

“Good,” he rasped against my entrance, and I trembled at the sound. “I want you to come again for me, Mark. Can you do this for me?”

“Yes,” I gasped out, and he flicked his tongue along my erection before he focused his attention on my entrance. He pressed his mouth firmly against me and his tongue entered me again. His tongue felt so good inside of me as he moved it slowly. His thumb found my tip, and he rubbed the same soft circles.

I bucked my hips restlessly, overwhelmed with the wondrous sensations. It was building even quicker this time, my flesh oversensitive but still eager for more. My hand flew down to Yuta’s head, gripping his hair, and then I came even harder.

Yuta’s fingers stroked me. “I’d like to put my finger in you.”

I met his gaze. His expression was calm, self-assured. I swallowed.

He dipped one finger between. “Say something. Tell me to stop if you don’t want this.”

“I … I’m worried it’ll hurt like last time.”

“It won’t,” Yuta said firmly with certainty. The tip of his finger moved a bit lower. I tensed, remembering the pain from long ago, the feeling of breaking, of helplessness.

Yuta regarded me, his finger lightly tracing my opening, but he didn’t push in. He reached up with his other hand and stroked my lower belly. “Try to loosen up, Mark. You are very wet, and my finger will be very pleasurable against your sensitive walls if you allow it.”

I tried to relax, but my body clamped down with fear from the past. Yuta kept stroking my opening. “Let me help you,” he murmured.

He startled me when his hand fluttered up from my stomach to the ticklish spot over my ribs. I gasped out in laughter and twitched. Then Yura slipped his finger into me. He immediately stopped the tickling. he did something with his finger inside of me, a light rotation.

He repeated the motion and rubbed his thumb lightly over. “Do you like this?”

How could he even ask? “Yes,” I managed to get out. His lips took the place of his thumb over my tip as his finger slid in and out slowly.

“Come again for me,” he said in that silky, dominant tone, and I fell apart under the combined sensation of his finger and his mouth.

My entire body burst with waves of pleasure. I trembled for a long time, trying to catch my breath. Yuta pulled his finger out and then shocked me by lifting it to his lips and putting it into his mouth.

“I enjoy your taste, Mark,” he said in a more textured voice as he knelt between my legs. My eyes were drawn to his pants. He was hard, aroused because he’d had his mouth on me.

I sat up, reached for his briefs. “I want to give back.”

Yuta slipped out them then knelt on the bed again. I was in front of him and reached for him. He groaned. I moved slowly then leaned forward, and he met me halfway. His lips claimed mine and tasted like me. We kissed as I pumped my hands up and down, his eyes boring into me with more than cold scrutiny. Our kiss turned desperate, uncoordinated. Yuta tensed in my grip. I watched the small twitches of his muscles, the sharp pull of his mouth, listened to his quick pants, and it felt right.

Chapter Text

MARK

Doyoung gave me a look. “Are you nervous too?”

I laughed. “Nervous doesn’t even begin to cover it. I don’t think I’ll be any good at fighting.” I paused. “But why are you nervous? I thought you’ve practiced with Johnny before.”

“A few times, yes, but we’ve always been alone. Now there will be people watching.”

I nodded. I wished Yuta had chosen to practice alone with me, but I knew he had a lot on his plate because of his upcoming fight against that giant man.

When we stepped out into the training hall, my eyes had trouble taking it all in. The chandelier dangling from the ceiling, the red and gold wallpaper, the broken roulette tables, the beautiful dirty, seashell-shaped windows … It was so typically Nakamoto to choose something as flashy as an abandoned casino building for their fighting gym.

The men had already gathered around the boxing ring. They were only in fight shorts, and my heart thundered faster at the sight of all that muscle and scars. Even Donghyuck was muscular for an almost fourteen-year-old.

“Thank God, not the cage,” Doyoung muttered, and I gave his a questioning look. He smiled. “Johnny always insists we work out in the cage, and it honestly gives me the creeps.”

My eyes wandered over to the cage, and I had to agree. I was already nervous as it was.

Yuta touched my hip when I arrived beside him. “Doyoung will go first because he already has some practice.”

Trying to hide my relief, I nodded.

Johnny parted the ropes for Doyoung , who climbed in with a nervous look toward the Nakamoto brothers. “Are you all going to watch?”

“No,” Yuta said. “I’m going to attack you.”

Doyoung ’s eyes widened. “What? I thought Johnny would train with me?”

Johnny shook his head. “Not this time. Being faced with an opponent that makes you nervous is closer to reality.”

Yuta swung himself over the rope and faced Doyoung , his arms hanging down at his side in a relaxed way. “Watch closely, Mark,” he said.

I nodded.

Yuta lunged at Doyoung , and I noticed Johnny ’s body rocking forward slightly. Doyoung let out a surprised cry when Yuta’s hand clamped down his wrist. He jerked Doyoung towards him, and then He was already on his back. He knelt between his legs.

“Doyoung ,” Johnny hissed. “Remember what I taught you.”

Doyoung began struggling, but Yuta pressed his wrists into the ground above his head, lowering himself, parting his legs further with his muscular thighs.

Jaehyun made a buzzer noise. “There’s no way for you to escape now. You acted too late. Now he’s got you exactly where he wants you.”

I shivered.

“He would have to open his pants. That might give his an opening to attack him with his free hand,” I said.

Everyone looked at me, and I swallowed but stood my ground.

Yuta grabbed both of Doyoung ’s wrists in one of his despite his wriggling and showed me his free hand. “Free to open my pants.”

Yuta straightened and pulled Doyoung to his feet.

“Why did you act so late?” Johnny asked with a frown.

“I was startled, and to be honest … Yuta scares me,” He said indignantly.

“Then let’s hope your assailant announces his attack ahead of time and doesn’t scare you,” Jaehyun muttered.

Obviously losing interest, Chenle and Donghyuck moved into the cage and began sparing with each other, but Chenle definitely had the upper hand and didn’t take it easy on his younger brother, judging by the force of his kicks and punches. No wonder Donghyuck was always beat-up.
“Again,” Johnny said.

Yuta grabbed Doyoung’s arm, but this time he acted instantaneously. He brought his hand up to claw at his face but he blocked it with his elbow, at the same time dodging his kick aimed at his groin with his hip. Then he threw Doyoung down. They ended in the same position as before, and Doyoung huffed.

“Better,” Yuta said with a nod, pushing off him and pulling him to his feet.

“I still ended up on the ground.”

“Your attacker won’t be Yuta,” Johnny said. “He probably won’t be half as fast or strong or skilled.”
They did two more drills until Doyoung’s face was bright red and covered in sweat. Yuta looked like he’d just finished a nice, slow morning walk.
I stifled a smile and when he met my eyes and the corners of his mouth twitched. My body filled with warmth as it so often did in Yuta’s presence.
“Your turn,” he said and parted the ropes for me.

Gulping, I climbed inside the ring, and Doyoung quickly scrambled out, whispering, “Good luck.”

Johnny immediately wrapped his arm around his waist possessively. Jaehyun shook his head and jumped up on the edge of the ring then swung himself inside.
I stared at Yuta, my pulse hammering in my veins. “You will train with me, right?” My voice trembled.

Yuta regarded my face then shook his head. “I want you to face your fears. They might immobilize you during a real fight.”

I started shaking as I looked at Jaehyun, who stood with his arms crossed over his chest, watching me with dark amusement.

I shook my head. “No. I can’t.” I backed into the rope. “Please, Yuta”

Yuta exchanged a look with his brother, who rolled his eyes.

“I can take over,” Johnny suggested.

My head swiveled toward him. He terrified me too, but not nearly as much as Jaehyun

“Then do it,” Jaehyun growled, but he walked toward me, his dark eyes hard. “As long as you don’t face your fears, you will be weak. He will keep power over you as long as you let him. If you ever stop being a coward, come to me and I will show you how to fight an opponent set on hurting you.”

He jumped over the rope and walked toward Donghyuck and Chenle to join them in the cage.

Yuta touched my waist, his eyebrows pulled together. “Don’t mind him.”

“Do you agree with him?” I asked quietly.

Yuta nodded. “Jaehyun would be the best option if you wanted to simulate an attack.”

“I can be as scary as Jaehyun if you want me to be,” Johnny said with a shrug.

“No,” I said quickly. “Thanks.”

Johnny was scary enough with his height.

“You saw what Doyoung did,” Yuta began. “Of course his past doesn’t harbor the same demons, so you will have to fight two enemies: Johnny and your memories. I can tell you how to do the first, but the latter is your fight.” He motioned for me to get closer to Johnny. “You are smaller and weaker, so you will have to make every hit count. Aim where it hurts the most. His balls.” Yuta pointed at Johnny’s groin area, who cocked an eyebrow. “Solar plexus.” He pointed at the area below the ribs. “Under his chin. Eyes. Nose.” He gestured toward Johnny’s face.
“Here, let me show you,” Yuta said and positioned himself in front of Johnny, whose lips widened into a smile.

Yuta brought his knee up sideways toward Johnny’s groin without making contact. Then he curled his hand into a fist and pretended to punch Johnny’s stomach twice. Then he pushed the heel of his hand up toward Johnny’s nose. “You can also scratch or bite, but don’t waste too much time. You will tire eventually.”

Yuta stepped back and gave Johnny a nod.
Johnny came at me at once, and I seized. Everything happened so fast, and suddenly I was on my back and he was between my legs. Panic choked me. I let out a terrified sob, clenching my eyes shut, and began to shake.

“Fuck,” someone said. Then another cold and compelling voice spoke above me. This voice had brought me back before.
“Mark, open your eyes.” And I did, looking up into cool, brown eyes. Yuta. “Don’t allow the past to control you. You are safe. Nothing will happen to you. I am here.”

I swallowed and gave a small nod. Johnny had sat back on his haunches, regarding me with a deep frown. I closed my legs, embarrassed. “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” he said with a shrug, but his eyes were a bit softer than before.

Yuta helped me to my feet. “Again?” His eyes held mine, and I gave a small nod. He turned to Johnny. “This time straddle his legs only.”

Johnny nodded. “Ready?”

“Yes,” I said, and he reached for my arm, and again, I found myself on my back with Johnny straddling my thighs. Panic clawed its way out of my chest, and I tried to fight it, but I couldn’t.
My vision turned black.
Johnny shoved off me, and I sucked in a deep breath. Yuta knelt beside me, touching my shoulder.

“I don’t think it’s working,” Johnny said. “he is too scared.”

Yuta nodded but he kept his eyes on me and his warm palm on my shoulder. “You can leave. I will take it from here.”

Johnny gave me a tight smile. Then he climbed out of the ring.

“I’m sorry,” I said, embarrassed that I’d broken down like this even though this had been fake, even though Johnny hadn’t meant to hurt me.

“I underestimated your fear of men. With me, you’ve been relaxed.”

“That’s because I trust you,” I whispered.

His brows pulled together, and he didn’t say anything. “That’s why I wanted you to fight Jaehyun or Johnny. You are wary of them, it’ll make the fight real.”

“I Know, but it’s too much right now. Can’t you train with me?”

“Of course, but I will go hard on you, Mark. It makes no sense to stay within your comfort zone. You won’t improve if you feel safe.”

My stomach clenched with nerves as Yuta pulled me to my feet. Yuta had a point, and I wanted to show him that I wasn’t weak, and more than that, I wanted to show myself that I could beat my past once and for all. I’d allowed it control my life for too long.

“Step closer.” As I did, he grabbed my wrists, and I tensed in preparation for his attack, but he put my palms up on his shoulders. “Use this to gain momentum and now jerk your knee up as hard as you can.”

I hesitated.
I Did. Yuta blocked my knee with his thigh so I wouldn’t connect with his groin. I jumped from the impact, a dull pain spreading through my knee and upper thigh. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. You are supposed to hurt me. Again, and harder this time.”

I jerked my knee up again and rammed his thigh. He gave a curt nod. “Better. Still too hesitant. Now make a fist.”

I lowered my hands and curled them into fists.

“Hit my stomach.”

I punched him, but even I could tell that I was holding back. Yuta grabbed my hand and curled my fist even tighter. Then he touched it to the spot where he wanted me to aim. “Here. And hard.”

I punched him again, and his mouth tightened. I wasn’t sure if it was because I’d actually managed to hurt him or if he was still not satisfied with my performance. Probably the latter. “Now open your hand and bring the heel of your hand up to my nose.”

I did as he instructed, and he changed the angle of my hand slightly. “Like this. If you use enough force, you can break your opponent’s nose.”

“You perhaps.”

He shook his head. “You can. Trust me. If I use that move with full force, I can kill my opponent by shoving his bones up into his brain, not just break his nose.”

My face scrunched up in disgust.

“Now let’s move on to actual defense. I will attack you, throw you on the ground, and force myself between your legs, and you will try to stop me with everything you have. Don’t hold back, Mark. You can’t hurt me.”

“Okay,” I said. I wiped my hands of my pants because they were sweaty from nerves.

Yuta regarded me calmly, but then something in his expression shifted, becoming calculating and predatory, and I knew he was about to pounce. Despite that knowledge, I yelped when he grabbed me by the hips. After a second of freezing, I brought my knee up, but he dodged it with his thigh and pressed me to the ground with his body. Then he was over me, kneeling between my legs, his pelvis pressed to mine. My wrists were pinned above my head and no amount of struggling made him budge. My breathing turned ragged as panic swirled in the pit of my stomach, not as bad as before, but it was definitely there.

“Fight it,” Yuta ordered sharply.

I knew what he meant, but it was so very hard to fight my own mind. I focused on his cool, brown eyes. They had now freed me from my panic twice, and they did again. Slowly, my terror waned and my breathing slowed.

Yuta shook his head as he released my wrist, but he stayed on top of me. “It’s good that you find comfort in my eyes, Mark, but it won’t help you if you ever get attacked.”

I closed my eyes. “Maybe we just have to accept that I will never be able to defend myself and that the next time someone like my uncle comes around, he can take whatever he wants from me.”

Yuta’s lips brushed my ear, making my eyes shoot open in surprise. “You will learn to defend yourself, and I swear nobody will ever hurt you again. Nobody will ever get close.”

He pulled back and his expression set my heart aflame with silly emotions. For a moment neither of us moved, and I touched my palms to his muscled chest. My breathing quickened for another reason. For the first time in my life, I was comfortable with a man being on top of me, with him between my legs. Yuta finally broke the moment, pushing himself off me, and held a hand out for me. I took it and let him pull me to my feet, but my body still tingled from his closeness.

“Again,” he said and the tension in his voice overpowered the fluttering in my belly.

YUTA

After working out and we came home, Mark kept throwing glances my way, but the moment I returned them, he looked away. I couldn’t read his mood. He seemed nervous. I went into the shower after he was done but kept the door open as usual. Mark never came in. My nakedness still made him nervous and it wasn’t only from fear.

Jaehyun had been right. He needed to learn to fight someone who scared him, and that person wasn’t me. Mark had come to trust me, and I hadn’t expected it. Of course, I had treated him a way that made me hope for him to be able to relax in my presence. His cowering fear wasn’t something I could tolerate in a my Husband. I needed someone who could stand up to me, and Mark was getting there. We still had a ways to go, but unlike my brother, I was patient.

Leaning back against the shower stall, I turned the water to cold so my cock didn’t get any ideas. I had a feeling Mark wouldn’t be ready for more exploring today. The fight with Johnny had unsettled him. And if I was being honest, it had been difficult for me to stand back and watch Johnny touch him, hold him, kneel between his legs. It was something I had never experienced before.
I couldn’t place an emotion on what I was feeling.

When I entered the bedroom after my shower, Mark was propped up against the headboard, wearing a thin, silk Pajamas that did little to hide his Arousal. His lean legs were crossed at the ankles, a place where Mark was beautifully sensitive. His eyes darted up from the book he was holding and did a quick scan over my naked chest, lingering on my briefs, before he returned his gaze to the book, but he wasn’t able to focus on what he was reading.

Drying my hair, I walked over to where he pretended to read. “What is wrong? Did I do something to make you nervous? Is it because of the training today? I have to make sure you learn to defend yourself. Going easy on you won’t have the desired effect.”

I thought we had settled into some sort of understanding. I wouldn’t budge on the subject of self-defense. Mark was well protected. As a Nakamoto, his last name carried fear through the streets in Osaka. Everyone knew he was mine. Everyone knew Nakamoto protected what was ours and our revenge was cruel and merciless. He was as safe as a men/women in our world could be, however, I couldn’t see why we shouldn’t guarantee the highest level of safety by making Mark a difficult target. His gun skills had improved, but he needed to learn to defend himself without the aid of weapons.

He blushed and set down his book then finally looked up at me. His eyes trailed over my torso and down to my briefs then quickly back up to my face. I narrowed my eyes, trying to gauge his mood. He was nervous. I dropped the towel I’d used to rub my hair dry and sank down on the bed beside him.

“If you don’t tell me what bothers you, I can’t change my behavior.”

“You did nothing,” he said quietly. Again, his eyes did a quick scan of my upper body, dipping lower, then jerked back up to my face. This wasn’t him being upset over today’s events, I realized. I was fairly sure he was aroused, but as usual, I allowed him to make the first move.

“I—I want to sleep with you.”

My body reacted at once, blood shooting straight into my cock, but I didn’t act on the impulse. I turned towards Mark, angled my body closer, my arm supporting myself beside his leg, and he scooted forward, dropping his book on the ground. His lips pressed against mine, and his tongue slipped in. I fought the urge to press him down into the mattress, to cover him with my body and grind myself against his pliable body. I wanted to sink myself into his fucking tight channel, wanted to feel him around my cock and lose myself. There was no denying it.

“Would you like me restrained?” I asked between kisses.

His big brown eyes held mine, and he gave a small shake of his head. “I trust you. I’m not scared of your strength anymore.”

I ran my knuckles down his arm. Trust, it was a fragile thing. I knew. I’d only ever trusted my brothers, but I was starting to trust him too. “I will make this good for you, Mark.”

He exhaled and a hint of anxiety tightened his lips. “It won’t be like last time, right?” His voice shook and his eyes looked at me as if he knew I’d keep the past at bay. And fuck, I wanted to do this for him, wanted to show him that what he had gone through wasn’t something he would ever relive again.

I traced his nipples through his shirt. “It will be nothing like that.” I kissed his chin down to his throat and collarbone, breathing in his sweet scent, relishing the feel of his silk-soft skin against my lips. “There won’t be pain or fear. You will be in control.”

His fingers found the back of my head, and he pushed me down. I complied, brushing his shirt off her shoulder and laying his collarbone bare and sucked it into my mouth, enjoying the way it felt under my ministrations.

He gasped, goose bumps rippling over his skin. My hand grazed over his Harden nipples massaging gently before my thumb and swiped over it, eliciting a moan from him. I swiped again as I circled his other nipple with my tongue. He began shifting restlessly beside me as he knelt on the bed.

“Yuta” he whispered. “Please.”

“Please what?” I asked in a raspy voice. I was painfully hard in my briefs, but I tried to shove my need to the back burner.

“I need to come.”

“Do you want my mouth?”

He gave a jerky nod.

“Then lie down.”
He scooted back and lay down. I climbed on the bed then hooked my fingers in his pants, and when he didn’t tense, I pulled them down. He lifted his hips to make it easier for me. Slowly, I eased a knee between his legs, watching his face. There was a second of resistance before he opened up for me. Putting my second knee between his legs, I brushed his thighs lightly and eased his legs farther apart. The sight of his hard erection sent a ripple of desire through my body, straight into my cock.

Patience was a virtue, but at this moment, being patient felt like an insurmountable task. Taking a deep breath, I stretched out between his thighs as he watched me with need, lips parted, eyes wide and trusting.

He was already very aroused from my ministrations to his nipples, aroused enough for sex, but I wanted him to be relaxed from several orgasms before I entered him. I kissed his thigh, working my way higher to where he wanted my mouth causing his legs to tremble with need. I kissed his pubic bone then his cock before I took a long lick, tasting him, not caring that it made my cock even harder. His taste was like a fucking catalyst of my own lust.

Mark breathed deeply, almost relieved. I established a rhythm of light flutters over his and slow circles over his opening until he was writhing and panting. When he was making small, desperate rocking motions with his hips, I pressed my tongue up against his hard firmly, and he fell apart with a cry. His hand came down on my head, holding me in place, as I focused on his erection, take it in, burying my face all the way in his perfect lap.

I stroked his thigh then moved my hand closer to his balls and brushed my fingers over .Tracing my index finger along I bobbed my head, waited a few moments, but he didn’t tense, and so I slipped one finger into his. My cock jerked, knowing that soon I’d be buried in his wet heat. I began sucking him and fucking him with my finger slowly as possible. And that sight lit me on fire. I imagined this came close to feeling emotions, this burning, all-consuming need. Better than the feel of his arousal was the breathless moan falling from Mark’s mouth, the softness of his thighs telling me he enjoyed this without any reservations because he trusted me to be good to him.

I raised my eyes to watch him.

My finger was engulfed by his wetness, and he was fisting the bedsheets, making desperate little moans in his throat. I pulled back a couple of inches.

“How is it, Mark?” My voice was tight and deep—on edge—but Mark didn’t seem bothered by it. A strange warmth settled in my chest, one I couldn’t place.

“Good,” he whispered then gasped as I curled my finger inside of his, pressing my pad lightly against his g-spot.

“Good?”
“So good, Yuta. So good.” he sounded as if this was a fucking miracle, as if it was a revelation I had offered him, and something strangely possessive filled my chest.

Mark was mine.

“Good,” I murmured against his wet flesh before I closed my mouth over his clit again and brushed his G-spot. He came again, arching up, clawing at the sheets, gasping and moaning, and I softened my ministrations, allowing him to ride this out. I knew I needed to test his readiness with another finger, but warning him about it posed the risk that he’d tense again. However, he needed to feel in control. “I want to put a second finger in you.”

A moment of hesitation. “Okay.”

“Try to relax or I will tickle you again,” I warned as I slid my finger in and out slowly.

He laughed, and I eased my second finger into him. He tightened in surprise and I didn’t move, letting him realize that no pain would follow. He was too wet for that. “Good?”

“Okay,” he said.

“Then let’s try to make it good.” I moved up his body, keeping my fingers inside of him and closed my mouth over his nipple. I teased it for a while before I began moving my fingers in a slow rhythm.

Mark’s walls hugged them tightly, and I couldn’t wait to feel them around my cock. After a few seconds, Mark met my thrusts with her pelvis as I sucked his nipple harder. I released his nub to ask how it was, but Mark was faster.

“Good, . Please don’t stop.”

I returned my mouth to his waiting nipple, lightly nibbling, and soon Mark arched under me, crying out his release. I eased my fingers out of her, which were coated in his juices, and that sight almost undid me.

His eyes fluttered open, his gaze unfocused, lips pulled into a small, satisfied smile.

“Your body is ready,” I rasped, teetering on the edge of control. I’d rarely allowed myself to lose control, and tonight would definitely not be the day.

“I’m ready,” he said softly, eyes searching my face. I smiled at him, knowing he needed it to be set at ease.

I pushed myself up and off Mark. “I think it’s best for you to be on top.”

“I’m not sure I can do this. Can you be on top?”
I nodded but given his nerves as soon as he realized my physical power, being on top seemed a bad choice. In the boxing ring today, he had handled it well, but it was different than submitting to someone in a bed. I got out of my briefs. I was already painfully hard, but I knew I needed to go slow for Mark. Never in my life did I have to hold back for someone. I took whatever pleasure women could offer me, and they could offer plenty, but Mark was my husband and I wanted to treat him right, treat him like a husband was supposed to be treated.

Mark wasn’t a whore or debtor. He was my Husband. A Nakamoto. My responsibility.

He watched me with nerves and trust. I wasn’t sure why the realization that he trusted me pleased me as much as it did; only my brothers trusted me, and now Mark—even though his past had taught him that the people he trusted ended up hurting him.

I climbed back on the bed, and Mark smiled, but his lips trembled as he did so. I wanted to be in his.

“We don’t have to do this,” I told her even if the words flowed painfully from my lips.

“No,” he said immediately, touching my chest. His fingers were shaking. I brought his palm to my mouth and kissed it. He relaxed slightly, reacting well to tenderness, as usual. I enjoyed being gentle with Mark because the way he responded gave me a great deal of satisfaction. It was a new experience that I hadn’t thought possible.

I moved over him slowly, and he opened his legs for me so I could kneel between them. Supporting myself on my arms, I looked down at my Husband. I could already see that he was getting overwhelmed by my presence. His breathing had quickened, and his lashes were fluttering nervously. I wished there was a way for him to realize that this had nothing to do with the rape of his past. Him being on top of me still seemed like the best solution to the problem.

I hovered over him, not moving. “You will feel even more out of control if I enter you. My weight will press you into the mattress, and you will have to yield to the pressure I apply. There really is no helping it,” I rasped, trying to ignore the way my cock jerked as I grazed the inside of his thigh. A slight shift of my hips and one thrust was all it would take to sate the burning desire in my veins.

“Why do you want this position?” I asked quietly.

“Because I want you to take lead … and I want to be close to you when we have sex with each other.”

“Even when you sit on top of me, I can hold you in my arms. I can easily lead even when you ride me.”

His cheeks flushed at the word ride.

I pushed myself off him and sat back against the headrest. “Move on top,” I ordered, deciding to take the decision off his hands.

Mark got to his knees, biting his lower lip in uncertainty. I softened my expression and brushed his unruly curls away from his face. He leaned into the touch at once. I stroked his cheek with my thumb then ran my fingers down his throat and over his arm. He let out a small breath.

“Ready?” I asked in a forced calm voice.

Mark nodded and moved closer to me. I grabbed his waist and helped him settle on my lower abdomen. I exhaled when his arousal pressed up against my abs. His body was so fucking ready. Wrapping my arm around his back, I pulled his toward me, my lips claiming his in an unrestrained kiss.

Mark returned the kiss eagerly and rubbed his over my pelvis, unconsciously slipping down. I stifled a growl. I just wanted to bury myself in him but I held back for him let him feel comfortable on top of me.

When he finally leaned back and looked at me for help, I said, “Lift up a bit and scoot back.” he did until he straddled my thighs. I curled my hand around my shaft. He swallowed thickly. “It will be good. I will take care of you, Mark”

He nodded with a small smile as he gripped my shoulders and positioned himself above my cock. Slowly, his palms slid down until they pressed against my chest and hid sopping wet entrance brushed my tip. I restrained a groan, not wanting to startle or scare him

My balls tightened, my muscles clenching. Fuck. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d wanted someone as much as I wanted Mark right this moment.

“It might sting a little, but you are very aroused, Mark” I knew I’d find no resistance if I plunged into him. His body was ready for claiming, but his expression displayed apprehension. I was better at reading his emotions now.

“Help?” he whispered, his big dark brown eyes trusting, and my heart picked up its pace for some inexplicable reason.

I pressed my heels into the mattress for leverage and grasped his hips to hold his in place. “I’m going to shift my hips now and enter you,” I warned. “I will go very slow so your body can adapt. Tell me if you need me to stop.”

Pushing up slightly, my tip slipped in and I suppressed a groan as his walls fisted me tightly. His lips fell open, brows pulling together. He leaned forward, bringing our faces even closer so his sweet breath ghosted over my face. His wide eyes held mine.

“Pain?” I asked, my voice harder, rougher than I wanted it to be. With how wet he was, I couldn’t imagine he felt pain, but he was also very tight, a delicious combination for my cock and one that made me want to plunge hard and deep into him.

“No,” he said. “Stretched.”

I waited, even if my body screamed for me to buck my hips and impale him on my length. His eyes held so many emotions, I had no way of grasping a single one. How must it feel to have that kind of chaos inside your body?

He moved his pelvis, and I took that as permission to lift my hips. I slid deeper into him, his tight heat encasing me perfectly, and he closed his eyes.

“Mark" I forced out. “I need to see your eyes.” I had trouble reading his facial expression without seeing the look in his eyes.

His lids fluttered open. “Sorry.”

I stroked his sides, and he licked his lips. “You can go deeper.”

And I did. This time I didn’t stop. As I raised my hips, I helped him down until his was pressed against my pelvis. I lowered myself to the mattress and took him with me. He became still on top of me as I filled him completely. Fuck.

This felt as close to perfection as I could imagine.

He breathed out, and his fingers flexed against my skin. I swallowed. Never before had someone felt as good around my cock. My body screamed to move, to seek the pleasure his tightness could offer. He clung to me, completely motionless.

“Okay?” I asked in a low voice.

Mark exhaled again. “It feels … good.” Tears filled his eyes, and I became as still as he was.

“Why the tears?”

He leaned forward to kiss me and shifted my cock inside of him. I moaned against his mouth, and he gave a small shudder. His lips brushed mine, and I took him up on the invitation, tasting his mouth. Kissing had always seemed a necessary evil many women/men required during intercourse, but with Mark it spiked my own arousal.

Slowly, he pulled back, eyes dark and teary. “I feel like I’m finally free of him.”

I stroked his back gently, trying to understand. I had killed him as brutally as I was capable of, and yet this act of tenderness finally destroyed the demons of his past, the memories of his actions. I tightened my hold on his, bringing our bodies flush together, my back pressed against the headboard. For once I didn’t know what to say, and it was an unsettling experience.

I began moving, rotating my hips slowly, gently, and he gasped. He looked into my eyes and brushed his lips over mine. Trust. Tenderness. And so many more emotions I didn’t understand. I’d never truly resented my incapability to feel, but in this moment I did.

“It feels so good, Yuta.”

I angled my hips the same way, and Mark’s lids fluttered, but he didn’t close his eyes. It was as if he needed to see me, so I returned his gaze. His lips parted for a soft moan. It was a perfect sound, more perfect than any melody Mark had ever created on his piano and he had created some of the most beautiful melodies I’d ever heard.

Brushing my thumb over his tip, it moved easily over his heated flesh coated with his juices. My other hand thumb flicking over the hardened nub. He cried out and clenched around me.

My eyes rolled back as I fought for control. I wanted to go harder, faster. Fuck. I forced the urge down and focused on my husband as he rocked his hips almost helplessly, trying to find more pleasure but uncertain of his moves. I let him discover the motion he loved as I kept slowly thrusting upward. Every time his eyes widened or his lips parted, my fucking heart clenched. I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me. It wasn’t a physical response I’d ever encountered during sex.

I flicked my thumb over his cock faster and sped up my thrusts. Mark’s walls clamped tightly around my cock, his nails digging into my skin. He rocked faster, barely meeting my thrusts. It was uncoordinated and unpracticed and yet the best thing I’d ever watched. The fucking best thing I’d ever felt.

His eyes grew wide, body tightening as he came with loud moan. And finally I let loose, slamming harder into him and hoping he could take it but too far gone to ask, until my release hit me like a tidal wave. My head fell back against the headboard as I spent myself inside him. The fucking tightness in my chest remained.

He fell forward and clung to me, his face buried in my neck, his lips leaving kiss after kiss against my sweaty skin. I ran my hands over his back and arms but stayed away from his neck. That was still a spot he was nervous about. He softened under my touch, breathing deeply.

“I love you,” He whispered, and we both stiffened at the same time.

His breathing hitched against my throat.

Love?

Chapter Text

MARK

I love you.

Yuta grew tense beneath me, and I stiffened in turn. I closed my eyes. I couldn’t believe I uttered those words. I hadn’t considered saying them because I knew Yuta couldn’t say them back. Love. For him it was something unfathomable, illogical, impossible. He simulated affection for me. Every act of tenderness, every smile and soft expression was a conscious effort.

I swallowed. The words had slipped out without my intention because I’d been so relieved and happy and grateful. I had never told someone I loved them, not even my mother, and no one had ever said it to me.

Yuta had been nothing but patient and gentle with me, and it wasn’t something I’d expected. Not in my wildest dreams, not from a man like him, and not from a Nakamoto. I felt safe with him. But saying the words I’d barely dared to admit to myself had been a mistake. I knew it deep down.

Gathering my courage, I pulled back and sat up. Yuta was still inside of me, but he was starting to go soft. I was afraid of looking into his face and seeing him stare blankly at me. It was impossible for him to understand why I had said these three words.

When I raised my eyes, Yuta looked like he was trying to comprehend what had just happened. His brows drew together, his brown eyes piercing me to the very core as if he was trying to see into my heart and soul, laying me bare when I had already bared myself to him by admitting to my foolishness.

Embarrassment washed over me, and a deep longing that seemed to tear at the seams of my heart filled my chest. I began to pull away, but Yuta wouldn’t let me. His arms tightened around me. “No,” he said firmly. “Don’t run.”

Had it been that obvious on my face that I wanted to run away, even if there was no way for me to run from my emotions?

He cupped my cheek and kissed me, his expression softening. “You are overwhelmed and relieved because we had sex. It’s okay. Don’t be embarrassed.”

Deep down, I knew this act of kindness as well was a conscious effort. He made his facial muscles go soft because he knew I wanted it, because he knew I needed it.

“I meant what I said,” I whispered because I was done running. Yuta was right. All my life I’d run from memories, from my family, from men. I was done running, and even if Yuta couldn’t understand my feelings, that didn’t change the fact that I had them.

Yuta regarded me, his eyes almost … expressive for once. “Mark,” he began in a low voice.

“I know,” I said quickly, my throat tightening. “I know you can’t return the emotion. I know you don’t feel anything for me, and it’s okay. You are trying to be a good man, even though it’s not in your nature. You are treating me right, you are simulating affection for me, and that’s all right. It’s more than I expected when we married and it’s enough.”

His gaze became searching, and again, I got the feeling that he was trying to peer straight into my heart. Maybe he succeeded because he asked quietly, “Are you sure?”

No, it had been a big fat lie. The idea that Yuta could never feel for me what I felt for him filled me with despair, but he had been upfront about his disposition from the very start. I couldn’t hold it against him. I wouldn’t.

“Does it matter? You can’t change who you are. You can’t make yourself feel, so even if it bothered me, that wouldn’t change a thing. I prefer not to fret over things I can’t change.”

“That is a logical choice, but you aren’t the logical type, Mark.”

I kissed him fiercely, my lips lingering against his as I looked into his brown eyes. As soon as I did, they softened again. Simulated affection. He was so horrifyingly good at it.

“I can try to simulate love,” he murmured, and my heart jerked violently. “It’s not difficult. Humans have a certain way they act around each other when they are in love.”

I was torn between wanting to agree … because if Yuta was as good at simulated love as he was at everything else, he could make me believe his emotions were real. I could allow myself to believe a lie. I knew it. But what happened in the moments when I realized the truth, when he forgot to show emotion? These moments would tear me apart if I allowed myself to believe his love could actually be real.

“Mark,” he said quietly, softly, and even that timbre in his voice was fake, and yet my heart surged with warmth upon hearing it.

I shook my head, my lips brushing against his because we were still so close. “Don’t simulate love. Everything else, I can deal with, but not love. If you ever tell me you love me, it has to be because you really do love me.”

Yuta’s arms tightened around me and a flicker of wariness filled his expression. He knew it was never going to happen. Yuta loving me was an impossibility.

Could you love someone who didn’t have emotions? Someone who analyzed love as if it were a mathematical problem?

It wasn’t a question that needed answering.

I knew the answer.

I loved Yuta, even if he could never love me back.

I had fallen asleep in Yuta's arms. And as usual, when I woke the next morning, I was curled into him just like every morning, but today felt different. Light streamed in through the gap in the curtains, and I sighed, my fingers tracing along Yuta’s stomach.

“How do you feel?”

His voice startled me, even though I’d known he was awake. He always woke before me. I didn’t lift my head and pressed my cheek tightly against his chest. “Good.”
ure was mounting, and I could feel myself getting closer. Yuta pulled his fingers out before I could find my release, and I huffed in protest, squirming on top of him for some friction against his pelvis.

“You’ll get it,” he growled, and I shivered hearing his voice.

He gripped my hips and pulled me down until finally his tip slipped into me, and I moaned at the sensation. He pushed his hips up, sliding all the way in, and I shuddered through my release, desperately clinging to him as my walls clenched around his length.

I buried my face against his throat as he rocked his hips, driving himself into me again and again. No pain, no fear, no memories.

Only Yuta'’s warmth and the pleasure only he could bring me. Clinging to his shoulders, I looked into his eyes, and in my mind three words repeated themselves over and over again.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Neither of us broke eye contact as Yuta slammed into me over and over again, and when his thumb flicked over my clit, I threw my head back as pleasure coursed through me. Yuta growled against my throat, his tongue swiping over my pulse point. Then he bit down lightly as he released into me.

Listening to his pounding heart, I relaxed.

Love: a game for fools. I wasn’t sure where I’d read the phrase, but I knew it was true.

That night Yuta had his first fight since we got married. I was more nervous than he was, which wasn’t really all that difficult. But still, I was really nervous.

I put on the elegant red see through shirt that I had bought with Yuta. It wasn’t as luxurious as the other dresses, but it accentuated in a way I had never allowed before. I had always been worried that displaying my body would make people blame me for what happened, that it would make them see that I wasn’t the epitome of purity I was supposed to be, but I wanted to be rid of that thinking as well.

Yuta had already left an hour ago so he could prepare for his fight, and I was supposed to ride with Chenle. In the last few weeks, he had avoided me, probably because he resented me for the whore-ban in the communal space in the house.

When I walked toward the main part of the house, I found Chenle lounging on the sofa, texting someone on his phone. He had a strange smile on his face as he stared at his screen, but he quickly shoved his phone into his pocket when he noticed me and straightened. His dark eyes scanned me from head to toe, and despite him being two years younger than me at only seventeen, he managed to make me nervous with his attention.

“You look hot in red,” he said, surprising me.

“Thanks?” I said hesitantly, not sure how to handle his compliment.

He nodded and came toward me. Chenle was almost as tall as me but he held himself with complete confidence.

I tensed when he stopped beside me.

“You don’t have to get all tense because I’m close,” he said. “You are my family. I’m here to protect you.”

I raised my eyebrows. “So far you haven’t seemed too happy having me around.”

He shrugged. “It’s annoying that I can’t fuck girls where I want now that you’re here. I have to go to my part of the house. I really liked to fuck on the pool table.”

I grimaced. “Okay. I’m glad you and Jaehyun both fancy the table.”

He smiled, and it transformed his face, making him more approachable. He was more controlled than Jaehyun in some regards but nowhere near as calm as Yuta, and he was way cockier than both of them.

“Come on. I don’t want to be late for the fight. Yuta’s going to rip that asshole a new one.”

Chenle led me toward his Ferrari. He drove like a madman, and I clutched the seat as if that would save me if he crashed the car. Apparently, Donghyuck wasn’t the only one who enjoyed racing.

I definitely wasn’t a speed junky.

When Chenle and I entered Roger’s Arena, a shiver passed through my spine. The place was crowded with people. Every table and booth was occupied, and many people stood against the wall. The scent of blood, beer, and sweat hung in the air, and the neon tubes attached to the mesh wire on the bare concrete walls emitted an eerie glow.

My eyes scanned the words they formed. Honor. Pain. Blood. Victory. Strength. The bar was cast in the same red glow, and the women behind it worked in overdrive to serve the customers quickly. Looking down at myself, I realized how well the blood red of my dress fit the occasion.

Chenle nodded toward a red leather booth close to the cage, where Johnny and Doyoung were sitting. “Come on. Let’s go over to them.”

In passing, we greeted his friends and their fathers and a few people I didn’t know but obviously knew who I was.

Arriving at the booth, Doyoung gave me an encouraging smile. “It’ll be okay. Yuta is undefeated in the cage.”

Johnny nodded. “He’s brain and muscle … that’s too much for most opponents.”

I gave them both a grateful smile as I slipped into the booth across from them. “I know, but I’m really not looking forward to seeing Yuta getting hurt.”

Chenle snorted. “Don’t worry. My brother is invincible.”

Nobody was, not even Yuta, even if his emotionless mask made everyone believe it. Yuta was human. He could fail. He could get hurt.

Doyoung regarded me curiously, and I wondered if my feelings for Yuta were obvious to people around me. I hoped I could hide them, because how foolish would I appear if people realized I’d come to love someone incapable of emotion?

“I’ll be back in a few minutes. I need to talk to my friends,” he said. His friend was giving him signs. Chenle walked off without another word, and a waitress with long black hair and pink lipstick appeared at our booth. She gave Doyoung a tense smile, ignoring Johnny, and finally turned to me with a wary expression. “What would you like to drink, Mr Nakamoto?”

That name still made me pause. “Just Mark. Do you have wine?”

The waitress pursed her lips. “This is a fight bar. We have liquor or beer.”

“Careful, Cheryl,” Johnny said in a low voice that sent a shiver through my body. His eyes held a clear warning as he regarded the waitress. “You better remember who he is.”

Doyoung touched his arm, which was propped up on the table, but Johnny didn’t take his eyes off the woman. Enforcer. It was easy to forget what that meant.

I felt bad for her and quickly said, “Then a beer.” I needed something alcoholic to calm my nerves and hard liquor was out of the question. I didn’t have the necessary tolerance for it.

“And one for me,” Jaehyun said as he appeared close behind Cheryl. She tensed and stepped aside to let him pass.

“I’ll bring it over in a moment,” she said then rushed off.

To my surprise, Jaehyun slipped into my booth. As usual, my body tightened with unease at his closeness. He gave me a challenging look but didn’t come close enough so we’d touch. “Still?” he asked with a twisted smile.

He didn’t have to elaborate. I knew what he meant, and I didn’t think I’d stop being wary of him anytime soon. He hadn’t given me reason to do so, but something about Jaehyun just screamed danger, and I wasn’t the only one who felt that way.

Doyoung rolled his eyes when Jaehyun turned to Johnny.

“I saw that,” he said under his breath.

I stifled a laugh. Sometimes, very rarely, I managed to get past my fear of Jaehyun. In those moments, I almost understood why Yuta thought so highly of his brother.

Two men in fight shorts entered the cage. My brows furrowed. “I thought Yuta's fight was next?”

“The biggest fight is always last,” Johnny explained. “There are two fights before Yuta’s. Whoever wins might end up fighting me or perhaps Chenle next.”

“Why do you do this? Why do you keep fighting? It’s not like people don’t fear you enough.”

“If you get comfortable, you get weak. That happens to many people in positions of power. It’s good to prove to people and to yourself that you are still someone to fear,” Jaehyun said, his dark eyes passionate and fierce.

The referee gave the signal. At once, the two men barreled toward each other and collided with grunts. I winced as I watched their kicks and punches. Cheryl returned with our beers, and I took a deep gulp despite my aversion to the taste. One of the men flew against the cage and blood spurted out of his mouth.

I covered my own with my hand. “Oh God.”

Jaehyun cocked an eyebrow. “This is nothing.”

“Maybe for you,” I muttered.

“You’ll get used to the sight.” He nodded toward Doyoung. “He did.”

“I still don’t enjoy it,” Doyoung said. “Especially if Johnny's in the cage. It’s horrible seeing him getting hurt.” He shuddered.

“I’m not getting hurt,” Johnny said firmly. “I always win.”

Chenle returned and sank down beside Jaehyun. “Because you’ve never fought against me.”

“I’ve fought against you, and I kicked your ass,” Johnny muttered.

“That was more than a year ago.”

The crowd burst into applause, and my eyes darted toward the cage where one man lay unmoving on the floor while the other stood above him with raised hands.

My heart beat in my throat when the referee finally announced Yuta's fight. His opponent, a man the size of a giant, was already waiting in the cage when Yuta stepped out of the changing room.

The crowd regarded Yuta with respect and fear as he walked through the aisle they’d made for him. His eyes were directed straight ahead at the cage with an expression of cold determination, yet something was different about him. For once the emotionless mask seemed almost forced, as if he had to make it appear that way. Or maybe my own nerves had me imagining things.

Yuta climbed into the cage under the roaring applause of the crowd. In his fight shorts and with his gruesome tattoos, he was an intimidating sight. The moment Yuta had entered the room, Jaehyun, Chenle, and Johnny had changed their behavior. There expressions showed no hint of doubt or worry, only pride and the grim knowledge that Yuta would win.

I knew Yuta was a good fighter, but his opponent was several inches taller and much wider than Yuta. My husband didn’t seem impressed by the man in front of him, and the moment the ref got out of the cage and closed the door, he switched into predator mode. His entire body became taut, his eyes cautious as they regarded their opponent.

The man was the first to attack. I tensed when he barreled toward Yuta, who jumped to the side and landed a hard kick in the man’s side. Jaehyun cheered loudly, and Chenle and Johnny applauded, but I could not move.

Yuta seemed off. I couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was. His opponent got him good in the first few minutes of the fight. Yuta was thrown against the cage and landed on the floor hard. I jerked violently, clamping my hand over my mouth to stop a scream as tears formed in my eyes. Jaehyun casually rested his hand on my thighs, maybe to assure me that Yuta is fine.

I sucked in a deep breath, trying not to cry. Jaehyun looked, scanning my expression and eyes. “Don’t lose it. This is public.”

I blinked. “What if he loses?” I whispered. “What if he dies?”

Jaehyun narrowed his eyes in anger, but there was something else there. Worry. “Yuta won’t lose, and he definitely won’t fucking die. Understood?”

I gave a nod, and to my relief, Yuta was already back on his feet. For a moment, he didn’t move, only regarded the man who was taunting him. Then his eyes moved toward me for a second, and my body exploded with emotions.

He turned back to his opponent and as if a switch was turned, Yuta dropped the analytic calm. I had never seen that look on his face. He lunged at the other man and attacked viciously. He looked unhinged, hungry for blood and death, and he kicked and punched his opponent over and over again, not stopping even as the man dropped to the ground.

It was a deeply unsettling sight.

“What’s gotten into him?” Chenle muttered.

Jaehyun didn’t take his eyes off the cage, but his mouth thinned. “I don’t know.”

Yuta thrust his fist down on the unconscious man one more time. Then he staggered to his feet, covered in blood, gray eyes alight with fury. Even scarier was how quickly the emotion was replaced his usual calm. What had just happened?

Yuta left the cage before the judge declared him the winner and stalked toward the changing rooms under the applause of the crowd.

I jumped to my feet. “Let me out,” I said.

Jaehyun stood as well and gripped my arm. I tensed but didn’t pull away because people were watching, and I knew how to keep up appearances. “I don’t think this is a good time for you to go to Yuta. I will handle him.”

“Yuta won’t hurt me,” I said quietly.

Jaehyun tilted his head. “Are you sure about that?” His voice held a challenge.

I gave a resolute nod. “Absolutely. Let me go to him.”

Jaehyun smiled coldly and motioned for Chenle to make room. They both stepped out of the booth so I could leave before sitting back down.

Jaehyun held my gaze. “I’ve never seen Yuta like this, but if you think you can handle him, be my guest.”

Straightening my spine, I moved through the crowd, who backed away from me as if I was contagious. Some people gave me pitying looks; others regarded me as if I was someone to be scared of. Nakamoto Mark. I heard their hushed whispers.

I was glad when I reached the changing room and stepped inside.

Yuta wasn’t in front of the lockers, but I heard the shower running and walked around the corner until I caught sight of him in the last stall. He was braced against the tiles, head hanging low as water poured down his body. His head turned and the look in his brown eyes sent a stab of worry through me.

“Are you all right?” I asked breathlessly.

Yuta straightened in all his naked glory, covered in cuts and bruises. Magnificent. “Come closer,” he said in a strange voice.

I moved toward him but stopped in front of the shower. Yuta stared down at me as if I was a problem he wanted to solve. His expression was intense, on the verge of angry, which didn’t make sense considering this was Yuta.

He didn’t feel anger.

He didn’t feel anything.

He curled his fingers around my wrist and pulled me toward him, his eyes not once breaking their staring. “Yuta..,” I protested. “My clothes.”

But he didn’t hear me. His lips claimed my mouth, stopping me from saying any more. He pressed into me, his tall frame caging me in. His hand brushed my thigh, slipped inside the waistband, shoving aside my panties. He slipped a finger into me, his mouth still soft yet dominant, and I arched back against the tiled wall. He followed, not allowing me to escape his overwhelming presence as his free hand. I wasn’t sure what had gotten into him. His touch and kisses were overwhelming, but my body reacted with a tidal wave of arousal, i was hard, as he slid his finger in and out of me.

He nipped at my lower lip then licked water off it and claimed my mouth again, possessive, unrelenting, desperate … but how was it possible?

He moved his finger faster. “Yuta,” I gasped out. “What—”

Again he interrupted me with an almost harsh kiss. I blinked up, confused and turned on, and a bit unsettled but not enough to stop. He added another finger, and I grasped his shoulders to steady me. He hooked one of my legs over his hip, opening me up so he could slam his fingers deeper into me. I rocked against his hand, clinging to him as his mouth ravaged mine, all the while his eyes never looking away from mine as if he was trying to devour me. As if he needed me. He flicked his thumb over my tip again, and I cried against his lips when my orgasm rocked through me. Stars burst in my vision, an almost blinding pleasure. My fingers dug deeper into Yuta's skin.

I stared at him, open mouthed, panting. He slowed his thrusts then eased his fingers out.

He released me but moved even closer until he filled all of my vision and breathed harshly as he stared down at me. He was hard, digging into my stomach, but he made no move to take things further, and it confused me, like his expression confused me.

“Yuta,?” I reached for his chest, trailing my fingers over it then moving lower. He didn’t take his eyes off me, but when I curled my fingers around his shaft, his hand came down on them, and he leaned forward, his mouth brushing my ear.

“If I fuck you now, it’s going to be against this wall. It’s going to be hard and fast, and nothing like last time. Nothing like you want. Nothing like you need.”

I shivered at the underlying threat in his voice. I gazed up into his eyes, and again they shifted between anger and absolute calm. I didn’t understand any of it. Had the fight unchained him that much? Jaehyun and Chenle had been stunned by his behavior, so it wasn’t something that happened with every fight.

“You won’t hurt me.”

He took a deep breath, chest heaving, and closed his eyes. My shirt clung to my body and my feet swam in my shoes, but I stayed where I was, close to Yuta, as he battled whatever demons the fight had summoned. His breathing slowed and his hand around mine loosened until he finally released me completely.

I kept my fingers around his erection and lightly brushed my thumb over the silky tip. Yuta’s eyes jerked open, but this time he didn’t stop me. I moved my hand slowly up and down, not hard and fast, trying to give him comfort and not let this be his outlet for the violence brooding in his body. He braced himself, placing his hands on both sides of my head, and regarded me through half-closed eyes.

He rocked his hips in rhythm with my pumps, and eventually some of the tension slipped away. His breathing deepened as I rubbed him, and when I used my second hand to cup his balls, he let out a low breath and pumped even faster. I wanted to comfort him, wanted to show him that I was there for him.

Yuta lowered his head, and I tilted mine back to meet his mouth for a kiss. It was gentle, unhurried, and deliciously slow. No anger or violence, only beautiful sensuality. My own body responded to the kiss and the feel of Yuta coming undone under my touch. His moves became less controlled and his kiss more passionate, and then his body tightened, and he groaned against my mouth. He jerked in my hand, his eyes closing. I kept stroking, and for a long time he stayed still, his forehead lightly pressed up against mine, his chest heaving.

I released him and the water washed away every trace of our juices. Yuta opened his eyes again, and his expression was back to the familiar calm. I was torn between missing the more unhinged version of him, the one he’d never shown before, and being relieved that Yuta hadn’t lost it completely.

He straightened, robbing me of his heat. He turned the water off, his eyes trailing the length of me. “You can’t walk out of the changing room in wet clothes,” he said matter-of-factly.

I searched his face for a hint of something, but he returned my gaze steadily, eerily. He stepped out of the shower and grabbed two towels. “It’s probably for the best if you undress and dry yourself. I will get dressed and see if I can organize clothes for you.”

Nodding mutely, I took the towel, wrapping it around my head to stop them from dripping all over the place. I peeled my soaking shirt off my body. Despite his words, Yuta didn’t leave or move to get dressed. Instead, he watched me remove my clothes then my underwear. “Yuta, are you all right? You’ve been off since the fight.”

“I’m fine,” he murmured then finally dried himself off and got dressed. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“What if someone comes in?” I asked, a hint of worry creeping into my voice.

Yuta shook his head. “Nobody will dare to come in. Trust me. I won’t be gone long.”

He disappeared, and I wrapped another towel around myself, staring down at the red heap at my feet. What had gotten into Yuta?

As promised, he returned a few minutes later with jeans and a plain black T-shirt. “Roger’s waiters keep spare clothes in case they spill something.”

I took the clothes and put them on. They were a bit too big on me, but at least they smelled clean and were dry. I cringed, thinking about what people would say if I came out in different clothes than before.

“Something is bothering you,” Yuta said, coming a bit closer, his brows drawn together.

“I’m worried what people will think of me.”

He gripped my waist and pulled me toward him. “They will think that you gave your husband a prize for winning.”

My cheeks grew hot. “Yeah, that.”

“And?” he asked quietly, the strange look still in his eyes. He nibbled my throat, then my ear. “You are my Husband.”

My lashes fluttered, and I released a strangled breath. I was already getting aroused again. He picked my clothes up from the ground, wrung it out, and put it into his bag before taking my hand. I took my soaked shoes in my free hand and followed Yuta out of the changing room, barefoot.

Most people had left the bar by now, but everyone who was still there stared at us. It took all of my self-control not to duck my head under the force of their scrutiny. Yuta's presence helped. He appeared completely unfazed, of course. When we arrived at the booth with his brothers and Johnny and Doyoung, they all regarded us strangely. My face heated, knowing what they were thinking.

Jaehyun's evaluating gaze was especially hard to bear. His eyes narrowed as they moved between his brother and me. “I take it you fucked his strange behavior right out of him?”

My mouth fell open. “I—I didn’t—”

Yuta squeezed my hand. “Let’s go home. I’m done with this day.”

Jaehyun nodded then exchanged another look with Johnny and Chenle. They were as puzzled by Yuta's strange behavior as I was.

MARK

Yuta didn’t say anything on our drive home. I kept glancing at him but his eyes were closed. There was a cut over his cheekbone, and the skin around it was swelling. At least it wasn’t bleeding.

Jaehyun watched us occasionally through the rearview mirror as he drove his car, but he didn’t say anything.

When we walked into the mansion, Yuta headed straight toward our wing. Jaehyun gripped my wrist before I could follow.

I flinched, but he didn’t release me. “Will you stop this shit?” he growled. I forced myself to meet his angry gaze. “Keep an eye on my brother. I don’t know what’s gotten into him. Usually he would analyze the fight like a fucking computer program right after. That he’s like this is a fucking bad sign.”

“Has he ever been like this?” I asked.

Something in Jaehyun’s eyes shifted as if he was remembering something. He loosened his grip. “Just keep a fucking eye on him.”

I turned and continued toward our wing of the mansion then upstairs into the bedroom. Yuta was perched on the edge of the bed, arms propped up on his legs as he stared down at the ground. He was completely naked.

I approached him, but he didn’t move. Slowly, I raked my finger through his still damp hair, and finally he raised his eyes to meet mine. “I want you,” he said quietly.

Leaning forward, I kissed him, my fingernails scratching his scalp, making him shudder and release a low breath. He tugged at my jeans and pushed them down my legs. I wasn’t wearing pants.. He leaned forward and kissed my hipbones, biting down lightly and making me jump. Then he soothed the spot with his tongue. Slowly, he trailed his tongue down from my hipbones to my upper thigh and then between my legs.

I gasped when he slipped his tongue drag along my erection. I was already aroused, but the feel of his mouth against my heated flesh increased it even further. Yuta hooked a palm under my knee and lifted my leg, propping it up on the bed and opening me for him.

Watched him through half-closed eyes, his lips moved over my farther in and his tongue slid along my crease, tasting me. His eyes met mine, and I couldn’t look away despite the embarrassment heating my cheeks. Never taking his gaze off me, he ran the tip of his tongue up and down before he circled my clit.

“Yuta,” I gasped, parting my legs wider, needing to feel more of his mouth on me. He buried his face in my lap, as his tongue worked me. His hands cupped my ass, and he massaged my cheeks, pushing me even harder against his face. I couldn’t hold back anymore, starting to shake and rocking my hips almost desperately as I held on to Yuta's shoulders. My moans spurred him on, and he licked and nibbled greedily until I was sure I’d come again, but then he pulled away, his face glistening with my arousal.

His eyes were alight with desire. I quickly pulled my shirt over my head then bit my lip. “How?” I asked quietly.

He curled a hand over my hip and tugged me toward the bed. I climbed on top of the mattress. “Lie down on your side,” Yuta instructed in a low voice.

Surprised, I stretched out, my back facing Yuta. He lay down behind me and pressed up against my body, his erection digging into my butt. I tensed. His mouth grazed my ear. “Trust me. I’m not going to do anal, Mark”

I felt foolish but nodded. Yuta slid one arm under me then lifted my upper leg with his other and moved it slightly back so my foot rested on his strong calf. Then he pressed his pelvis against my butt, and I felt his tip nudge my opening. He changed the angle slightly and slowly slid in. I arched back against him.

He didn’t go as deep in this position, but I loved the feel of his chest against my back, his hot mouth against my shoulder and neck, his arms around me from behind. His movements were slow, but his tip seemed to rub my clit from the inside, and when he trailed his hand down between my legs, I released a low moan.

“This position okay for you?” he rasped against my ear as his next stroke hit me even deeper.

“Yes,” I gasped.

Yuta’s closeness, his warm embrace, his soft kisses along my shoulder blade … they made this perfect. Yuta's fingers tweaking my nipple as his other hand worked nimbly between my legs. He slammed into me over and over again, slow, precise strokes that curled my toes and made my eyes roll back with pleasure.

It was beautiful and breathtaking, and I let myself fall completely. I trusted him without reservation to guide me over the edge, to take care of me, and he did.

I tightened as my release hit me, and I cried out Yuta's name. He rasped mine into my ear, the word almost desperate as he spilled inside me moments after my orgasm. He didn’t pull back, holding me closely against his body, still buried deep inside of me.

He eased out of me, and I turned in his embrace. I lightly traced the skin around the cut in his cheekbone then the blooming bruises over his ribs. He tensed under my touch.

“Sorry,” I breathed. “Are you in a lot of pain? Clearly, I have nothing better to do than to rub myself against you when you’re bruised.”

He tangled his hand in my curls, regarding me with an unreadable expression. “I was the one who initiated sex, Mark, I wanted you. I…” He trailed off, brows pulling together “…I’ve survived many fights. I’ll be healed in a few days.”

I didn’t say anything, only snuggled against Yuta'’s chest, careful not to apply pressure to his ribs. I kissed his shoulder blade, and uttered in my head the words I’d never say aloud again.

I love you.

A low noise I couldn’t place tore me from sleep. Even with Yuta beside me, I was a light sleeper, quick to wake from the slightest noise. I stared into the dark and there it was again: a throaty sound full of dark despair. What was that?

A wave of fear shot through me when a familiar tone caught my attention.

Yuta? Was that Yuta?

The sound stirred memories within me, but I pushed them aside and rolled over. In the dark, I couldn’t make out more than the outline of Yuta’s back, but the bed was shaking from the force of his body tremors.

“Yuta?” I whispered, but my voice was so hesitant and quiet I could barely hear it.

My first instinct was that it had to be a seizure, something physical because it seemed impossible that emotions forced these sounds out of Yuta.. These throaty inhales—not moans, not gasps, but something in between—were full of emotion. I didn’t understand. Slowly, I sat up, unsure if I should wake him, completely at loss what to do. Yuta was always in control. He was control.

Reached over to my bedside, I turned on the light, needing to see him and at the same time terrified of it. Yuta was lying on his side, shaking, one hand curled around the edge of the bed, clutching it tightly; his brows formed one hard line and his forehead was covered in sweat.

My fingers shook as I reached for him. My God, what was going on with him?

The second my fingertips brushed his shoulder, his eyes flew open and the look in them made me recoil. Yuta lunged for the knife on his bedside table, clutching it in his hand as he staggered out of bed. His gaze pinged around the room then settled on me, the way I was pressed up against the headboard in confusion and fear. His legs gave out. Pressing the knife to his chest, he bent forward, braced against the ground with one arm, heaving deep breaths.

“Yuta?” I whispered, crawling to the edge of the bed.

Yuya said he wasn’t capable of emotions, that he couldn’t feel, but in his eyes and on his face was pure unbridled emotion. And he couldn’t handle it, didn’t know how. Maybe this was the first time in a long time that he was submitted to something like that.

His back was heaving, arms shaking, and somehow in the diffused glow of the bedside lamp, his tattoos seemed to come alive, the inked flames leaping up, the contorted faces mocking yet agonizing at the same time.

My throat clogged with emotion, helpless and terrified and worried that this was it, that something had snapped Yuta's sanity—whatever was left of it. My love for him didn’t make me blind to the truth: the Yuta and Jaehyun both were messed up in a way that couldn’t be resolved with a few pills and countless sessions with a shrink. Something awful had twisted them into what they were today, twisted
Yuta's emotions into a tight knot. Something had managed to untie it. Seeing him like this made me think that maybe there had been a good reason why his mind and body had tied that knot in the first place.

I slid out of bed and approached Yuta hesitantly, but he jerked his head to the side. “Jaehyun” he croaked. Then it got louder, more desperate. “Get Jaehyun!”

Stumbling toward the door, I ripped it open and ran down the corridor. My heart beat in my throat and my bare feet smacked loudly against the cold granite. What was going on with Yuta?

Fear, raw and unhinged, rushed through me. What if I lost Yuta to whatever this was?

I crossed over into the east wing, Jaehyun’s domain. I’d never been there before and I knew I wasn’t welcome, but Yuta needed his brother, so no matter how scared I was of Jaehyun, I would get him.

It took me a moment to get my bearings in the unfamiliar part of the house. I wasn’t sure where Jaehyun’s bedroom was and with only minimal moonlight streaming in through the window at the end of the corridor, it was difficult to make out more than the hazy outlines of doors. Panicking, I ripped open the first door, and even in the dark I could make out the shape of a bed. An old smell hung in the air, something dusty and abandoned. Nobody had lived there in a while.

There were so many rooms in this house, I’d never find him in time. I felt the wall for a light switch, but my body shook and I couldn’t get my bearings. The dark was beginning to close in on me, but I moved on to the next door, my finger curling around the handle. Then there was a warm breath against my ear and a low murmur. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

I screamed and lashed out instinctively, my hand colliding with a stubble-covered chin a moment before I realized whom I’d just hit. A strong hand clamped down on my wrist. I stilled, suddenly glad for the dark because it hid Jaehyun's expression from me.

“Let me go,” I whispered, voice shaking.

He released me, and I stepped back. “I’m sorry for hitting you,” I got out. “You scared me.”

He remained silent for another moment, towering over me with that unsettling vibe of violence. “Answer my question,” he ordered.

“It’s Yuta. I don’t know what’s happening with him. He’s upset.”

“Upset,” Jaehyun said doubtfully.

“Jaehyun, please, can you turn on the light.” I swallowed. “It’s making me nervous being in the dark with you.”

He shifted and his arm brushed mine, then light flooded the corridor. When my eyes grew accustomed to the blinding light, Jaehyun came into focus, tall and naked except for briefs. His eyes slid down my body, dressed only in a long shirt, before they returned to my face. His chin was slightly red from when I’d hit him.

“I’m losing my patience here, Mark,”

“Yuta needs your help!” I said annoyed, because there was no way I could explain Yuta's situation to him. And finally something went through to him, and he turned around and began running. I had absolutely no chance to catch up with him with his long legs.

Panting, I arrived in our bedroom a couple of minutes later.

Jaehyun was kneeling beside his brother, who was on the ground, his hand on Yuta'’s shoulder. They both looked like fallen angels with their curved backs, their scars and tattoos, the muscles formed from years of fighting. Jaehyun’s fallen angel on his back with the broken wings had never made more sense than it did now.

“What’s happening?” I croaked, and Jaehyun looked up from where he knelt beside his brother. For a moment he looked as helpless, as terrified as I felt, and that sight undid me because this was Jaehyun, this was a man always commanding, always hard and powerful and cruel and not afraid of anything. It came almost as a relief when he narrowed his eyes at me, his mouth pulling into a twisted smile, as if this was my fault, as if without realizing it, I had broken Yuta even though I held nowhere close to the power over him to do so.

“Get out,” Jaehyun growled, but I didn’t want to leave. “Get out!” he snarled, and I knew he’d make me if I didn’t, so I rushed out and ran along the corridor, down the stairs, and into our living room, which wasn’t really called that because most living room activities took place in the shared area of the mansion when all the brothers were together. This was my sanctuary and sometimes Yuta's when he tried to simulate affection for me.

I sank down on the piano bench. My fingers instantly found the keys, needing to feel their cool smoothness. The first notes of the song I’d written for Yuta rang out. Desperate, drawn-out, low notes in the beginning then hesitant, higher notes, lighter notes until the melody seemed almost excited in their staccato, followed by overwhelming, high-pitched notes until finally the melody became a gentle flow, a song of acceptance, but this ending seemed wrong now, and my fingers moved on, the notes reaching higher and higher, filling me up until my emotions created this melody.

I breathed harshly as Yuta’s despair became music, as my fear let the melody burst through me with hard, short notes. Emotion was everywhere and I could not stop and felt like this was the only way I could get through this.

Heavy steps sounded and my fingers slid off the keys as Jaehyun stalked into the room and toward me, still only in his briefs and a look of murder on his face. I stiffened but didn’t follow my impulse to run. Instead, I lowered my shaking hands to my lap and returned Jaehyun's gaze. He stopped halfway into the room as if he was torn between anger and despair, but then he bridged the remaining distance between us, dwarfing me with his height and sheer, brutal presence.

He leaned down, and I drew back but didn’t look away. “What the fuck did you do?” he rasped.

“I didn’t do anything,” I said. What could I have possibly done to unhinge Yuta like that? I was only a boy. I didn’t have any power over him.

“Bullshit.”

"Jaehyun, leave him alone.” It was Yuta's voice, strangled, raw, and yet cool and controlled. I sagged with relief. Jaehyun stepped back from me and turned to his brother, opening my view to Yuta as well.

Like Jaehyun, yuta was only in briefs, and yet there were layers over layers of barriers I could never bridge. His expression was the blank canvas I’d grown used to, but there was something haunted, something hunted in his gray eyes as he stared at Jaehyun; a look passed between the brothers that spoke of horrors I could not grasp, a look that made me realize that one brother could never be without the other.

Whatever had shaped them into ice and fire, it had also forged them together in a way that couldn’t be broken. Maybe Yuta had become the cold flood against Jaehyun’s raging inferno. Perhaps Jaehyun was the outlet for emotions Yuta had locked behind impenetrable walls. I couldn’t and would never be able to understand these two men.

Yuta tore his eyes away from his brother and looked at me. My chest tightened with relief and warmth, and I wanted to go to him and hug him, wanted to soothe him with words, give him comfort with my touch, but Yuta wasn’t like that. He didn’t need comfort, or tenderness, or love…

“Play that song again,” he said quietly.

I touched my fingertips to the keys and began the song, a song that wasn’t just a string of notes but a gaping hole in my heart. Yuta approached me slowly, and as he did, Jaehyun backed away a few steps but kept watching us.

Yuta lowered himself beside me on the bench, but I didn’t stop playing. I closed my eyes and let the music flow, wishing he could understand that this song encompassed everything I felt for him, everything I’d ever felt for him. Then new notes rang out, and my eyes jerked open, my fingers faltering as Yuta began to play the song as well. What?

He added his own notes, and I realized it was on purpose. I joined in and played my melody, the two melodies seeming to flow around each other. It was more beautiful than anything I’d ever heard. Yuta’s eyes were on my face as he played the song from memory without faltering, but I had to return my gaze to the keys because I couldn’t understand the look in his eyes.

Jaehyun met my gaze briefly over the piano, and his expression was just as unreadable. Then he turned around and left. I didn’t understand any of this, but hearing Yuta's melody merge with mine, creating something inexplicably beautiful … it felt like a gift.

Yuta and I played until the sun rose over the mansion and filled the room with light. Our melody had evolved, a string of beautiful notes, and my heart seemed to burst with emotions when our fingers finally lifted off the keys. Yuta looked exhausted, and my own body yearned for sleep too, but at the same time, I felt like screaming my feelings from the rooftops.

I stood and took Yuta’s hand. His cool gaze flitted up to me. “Let’s go to bed,” I whispered.

Something shifted in his eyes as if for once there was something that scared him, as if he didn’t trust himself while asleep.

“We don’t have to sleep, but you need to rest for a bit,” I told him, and finally he got up from the piano bench and followed me upstairs.

Yuta lay down, and I stretched out beside him, close but not touching. I wanted to press up against him, give him closeness. In the past he’d held me to comfort me, not because he required that kind of attention.

My gaze flickered across his face. His eyes were distant, and there was tightness to his mouth that suggested he was still fighting something within him.

I couldn’t hold back anymore and reached out for him, laying one hand hesitantly on his arm. It was ridiculous for me to be worried about touching him. We’d been closer than that, but I didn’t want to push something onto Yuta if he didn’t want it just because it would have helped me.

His eyes zeroed in on me, and he lifted his arm so I could move closer, and I snuggled up to him, my hand coming to rest on his hard abs. I wished I knew if this was something he wanted, something he needed, or if he did it for me as part of his simulated affection.

I didn’t dare ask him what had caused this episode, or what he had seen in his mind to bring him to his knees like that, but the question burned on my tongue. Maybe one day he would tell me.

TBC

Chapter Text

MARK

We stayed in bed until midday, and for once, I woke before Yuta. I was wedged against his side as usual, and he looked peaceful sleeping, no sign of last night’s episode visible on his face. His cheek bone was swollen with a bluish tint as expected, but it didn’t make Yuta less attractive. For some reason this small blemish on his perfect face made him even more beautiful.

He stirred and opened his eyes. I smiled at him. “How do you feel?”

He remained silent for a few heartbeats. “Different.”

“Different?” I echoed, confused, but he didn’t elaborate. He untangled himself from the blankets and sat up with a slight wince, his palm pressing up against his ribs.

“Do you need something for the pain?”

“No,” he said. “It’ll fade. And pain is a good motivator. Next time I’ll have to be better so my opponent doesn’t land hits like this.”

I climbed out of bed as well and hovered beside him. “Will you go swimming?”

Yuta nodded. “It’ll help with the tiredness.”

I grabbed my book and put on my bathrobe while Yuta put on his swim trunks. He didn’t bother going into the bathroom anymore. We were past that point. We headed outside in silence, and I took my usual place in the lounge chair while Yuta dove into the water. His movements weren’t as rhythmic or as smooth as usual. He drove himself harder than ever before, swimming fast and almost angrily. I wasn’t sure how one could swim angrily, but it sure looked like it.

I put my book down and stood to get a better view. Yuta's breaths were short, less controlled, as he swam one round after the other. This was a much longer swimming session than his daily thirty minutes. Worry gnawed at me as I watched him overexert him as if he was trying to swim away from something.

Finally, he stopped and held himself against the wall of the pool, his chest heaving, panting. He pushed himself out of the water, inked arms flexing, and staggered to his feet. I handed him his towel, and he pressed it against his face. When he lowered it to dry the rest of his body, the calm returned to his expression, but it looked wrong. Off. I couldn’t even pinpoint why.

“Let’s go inside. I’ll make us something to eat.”

Yuta didn’t bother changing out of his swim trunks, and he followed me into the kitchen. I began to gather everything needed to make pancakes. The sounds of the clanking pots had Jaehyun joining us. He was dressed and looked surprisingly well rested despite my intrusion last night.

His eyes darted from me to Yuta, who was reading the news on his phone without looking up. Jaehyun moved to my side, as usual ignoring my personal space as his hip bumped against mine. He watched me whip together the batter.

“How’s he doing?” he murmured, his dark eyes filled with worry.

I paused because that sight still got to me. “I don’t know. He’s still acting weird.”

Jaehyun moved to the kitchen table and sank down in a chair across from Yuta. “So are you up for work today?”

Yuta put down his phone and looked up. “What do you have in mind?”

“We caught two Exo bastards. I thought we could get some information out of them. When we’re done, we can send them back in a few nicely wrapped packages. What do you think? Will a nice round of torture lift your spirits?” Jaehyun smiled twisted.

Was he being serious? Did he really want to involve Yuta in something this brutal when he wasn’t quite himself? “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Both Yuta and Jaehyun glanced my way. Yuta furrowed his brows in an almost confused expression while Jaehyun had murder on his face. I was growing used to it.

“You better remember your place,” Jaehyun said harshly.

Yuta met my gaze. “Your worry is unnecessary, Mark.”

I doubted it, but I kept my mouth shut and prepared the pancakes, dividing them between three plates, and carried them over to the table.

Jaehyun seemed surprised.

“I assumed you’d want to eat with us. Even if you threaten me, I won’t let you go hungry.”

His dark eyes assessed my face, and I returned his gaze. Didn’t he always insist I needed to learn to be a Nakamoto? Not cowering to him was a good step toward that goal. I couldn’t be sure, but I thought I saw a flicker of respect in his eyes.

“I like you better now that you aren’t scared of your own fucking shadow anymore.”

I shrugged. “And I like you better when you’re not being scary and bossy.”

“Then you don’t like me very often,” Jaehyun said, digging into his pancakes. I sat down beside Yuta, and he surprised me by putting his hand down on my thigh and squeezing. When I chanced a glance at him, he was focused on eating.

“When do we need to leave?” Yuta asked his brother.

“The assholes are in the basement of the Sugar Trap. Chenle and Johnny are already there. I wanted to wait for you before we started.”

Yuta nodded and finished his pancakes. “I’ll get dressed and then we can leave.” He turned to me and hesitated. “Is Donghyuck here?”

“He should be here, but the asshole snuck out this morning and took my Bugatti. If he gets back, I’ll kick his fucking ass. Until then, your boy will be alone here.”

Yuta shook his head. “No. He can’t defend himself yet.”

I frowned. “The mansion is safe, and I’m good with a gun. Well…decent, but that should be enough.”

“Decent is not good enough against most of our enemies. Exo will soon realize we have their soldiers. I won’t leave you unguarded.”

“he can come with us,” Jaehyun said with a shrug.

I knew the Sugar Trap was a strip club and whorehouse. But if the Neo’s enemies were taken there, that probably wasn’t all it was used for.

Yuta regarded me. “That is a difficult place for Mark.”

“I can deal,” I said firmly.

The second we stepped into the Sugar Trap, everyone’s eyes swiveled toward us. A few scantily clad women/men were gathered around the bar, talking to a tall, black guy sorting bottles. He nodded at Jaehyun and Yuta but regarded me curiously. The women, however, only mumbled a few words of greeting before they returned to what they had been doing. Poles were spread around the room on small stages, and there were several doors branching off the main bar. I assumed they were for private sessions.

Jaehyun's hard eyes only brushed over the workers as if their mere presence annoyed him. Yuta turned to me. “You can wait in our office while Jaehyun and I are in the basement.”

I shook my head. “No, I’ll stay here and talk to the women.”

Jaehyun snorted. “They are whores. Talking isn’t what they’re good at.”

I bit back a comeback and turned to Yuta, trying to hide my worry. It must have showed because he brought my hand up to his lips and kissed my wrist. Several women gaped at us from their spot at the bar, and even Jaehyun looked caught off guard. Public displays of affection weren’t usually Yuta's style.

Yuta leaned forward, whispering in my ear. “I’ve survived every horror you can imagine, Mark. Don’t waste your worry on me. Torturing those bastards won’t do anything to me. I don’t feel their fear. I don’t care about their begging.” He pulled back, and I released a breath. Without another word, Yuta and Jaehyun walked through the backdoor.

The moment they were gone, the five women dared to stare at me again, and the guy behind the bar watched me too. I walked toward them. “Hi,” I said, trying to hide my embarrassment. “I’m Nakamoto Mark.”

The guy laughed. “Everyone knows who you are, Mr Nakamoto. I’m Kaito What can I do for you?” His white teeth were small, and I liked him at once.

The women whispered among themselves but didn’t say anything directly to me. A few months ago this would have driven me away, but I’d learned to brave unsettling situations.

“What do you have?” I asked Kaito

“Everything you want. Wine, beer, shots, cocktails. And even if we don’t have it, I’d get it for you, Mr. Nakamoto”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “No need for that, please. Just give me a Coke. It’s too early for wine.”

“If you ask me, every hour of the day is wine o’clock,” the woman closest to me said as she raised a glass with red wine. She was very tall and had long blond hair, and was heavily made up like the other women.
I supposed it was required in their field of work. I’d never before dealt with a sex worker. As my eyes took in the five women, I wondered how many of them had started working here of their own free will and how many had been dragged into this by a Romancer or to pay of their own debts. The other women, too, had wineglasses in front of them. I supposed alcohol made it easier to live a life like that.

“Give me a glass of white wine,” I said. I couldn’t help but wonder with how many of these people Yuta had slept, but I decided not to ask.

Kaito chuckled. “Don’t let their alcoholism rub off on you.” Despite his words, he poured me a generous glass and slid it toward me.

“Free alcohol is one of the few perks of working here,” another woman muttered.

I took a sip from my wine and regarded them, looking for signs of abuse. A few of them had small bruises on their arms or legs but nothing major.

“I’m C.J.,” said a younger woman with long brown hair and a kind smile.

“He’s a Nakamoto!' the woman beside her hissed.

I took another sip. “I am,” I confirmed. “I’m also a person. You don’t have to fear me.”

The tall woman shook her head. “You are not one of us, that’s for sure.”

“I’m not, you are right, but I understand more than you think. I’m not your enemy.”

C.J. walked around and leaned against the bar counter beside me. “We heard what happened in Seoul, what the Nakamotos did to your uncle.”

Kaito shoved her shoulder lightly. “Why don’t you shut up?”

I swallowed, but then I forced a smile and nodded. “Yuta and Jaehyun killed him.”

“Slaughtered him,” the tall woman butted in.

“Got what he deserved, if you ask me,” C.J. muttered.

“Many men deserve the same,” the tall woman said.

I put down my glass and blurted, “Are you sex slaves?”

C.J. shrugged. “Not the kidnapped-in-the-middle-of-the-night kind, no. Most of us started this because we didn’t have a choice. We needed the money, we felt obligated, and most of us stay because once you’re in this, it’s hard to work a normal job again. Once the debts to the Neos are paid off, we earn good money.”

The tall woman narrowed her eyes at me. “There are very few women in this business who do this because they enjoy it. Maybe they want to believe most of us are nymphomaniacs who became hoes to get more dick. Fucking assholes. As if any of us enjoy sucking the dick of an old, hairy, unwashed bastard.”

“Here comes the prick responsible for fresh meat,” C.J. whispered, and the look in her eyes made it clear; he was the reason why she worked at the Sugar Trap.

I turned around and a tall, brown-haired man, maybe a couple of years older than me, entered the club. He was very handsome, and I understood why he had become the Neo’s Romancer. It was his job to make women fall for him until they were in so deep that they would do anything for him; even sell their bodies. He didn’t give off the scary vibe so many Made Men did. He knew how to hide it, which was probably crucial if you wanted to lure women into your trap. His eyes wandered over the women without a hint of guilt. Then they settled on me and his face was puzzled. I hadn’t met him yet, or at least, I hadn’t noticed him. Something in his behavior shifted ever so slightly, as if he wasn’t sure where to put me, but then he strode toward me and recognition flashed across his face.

He ignored the women beside me, shook hands with Kaito, then turned to me. “I’m Lucas,” he said in a silky voice. “It’s a pleasure meeting you.” His charming smile hit me full force.

Jaehyun prowled through the backdoor, covered in blood, and tapped the counter. “Four scotches, Kaito.” Then his dark eyes moved on to Lucas. He shook his head and narrowed his eyes before walking around to meet us. I couldn’t take my eyes off his blood-spattered arms and throat. His shirt was black, but I was sure it was drenched in blood too.

He grabbed Lucas’s shoulder. “That is a conquest you wouldn’t survive, Lucas. I’d hate to lose my best Romancer, but I’d have to put you down, and you’d fucking thank me for it because Yuta would fucking tear you into bite-sized pieces and feed them to you.”

Lucas watched Jaehyun's bloody hand on his white shirt, curling his lip. “I know who he is, boss, I was only introducing myself.”

“We know how it goes. You charm them and then they fall head over heels and lose their few remaining brain cells.” Jaehyun flashed a cruel smile at the gathered women.

I rolled my eyes. “First, I’m not going to fall for him. I’m Yuta's. And second, I have more than a few brain cells.”
I didn’t just mention that no matter what Lucas did, he couldn’t win my heart because my heart belonged to Yuta.

Lucas’s eyes widened, and he looked at Jaehyun as if he expected his boss would strike me dead for the audacity.

“Indeed.” Jaehyun smirked and released Lucas, leaving a bloody handprint on the man’s shirt. Kaito handed Jaehyun a tray with four glasses of scotch. “We’re almost done,” he said to me, then to Lucas. “Hands off.” The women backed away as he passed them with the tray.

Lucas let out an curse under his breath as he regarded his ruined shirt.

“I suppose you won’t charm your way into girls’ hearts with blood on your shirt.”

He shrugged. “If I told the right story, they’d believe I saved a man’s life and that’s why I have that handprint on my shirt. Women believe all kinds of shit if an attractive man makes them feel special and tells them how gorgeous they are, even if they’re average at most.”

I took a deep swig of my wine, not sure what to say to that.

But C.J. found my words. “You’re an asshole.”

Lucas grinned at her. “That’s not what you said when I fucked your brains out and you declared your love for me.”

She paled then whirled around and disappeared through the door behind the bar.

“That was very rude,” I said. “I don’t know why you think you can treat women like you do.”

“Because they allow me to treat them like that,” he said quietly, his brown eyes hard. “Everyone gets what they deserve.”

I shook my head at him and hopped off the barstool to find C.J. A corridor led to a staff-only door that was left ajar, and I stepped in, finding C.J. leaning against a sink, crying.

“Hey,” I said hesitantly, suddenly unsure if it was a good idea that I was here. I was the husband of the man who owned the Sugar Trap and even more places like that. C.J. and the other women belonged to the Neo and basically Yuta as well. He wasn’t head, but none of Jaehyun's decisions were made without consulting Yuta first.

I handed her a tissue. “I’m sorry for what he said.”

“Why? It’s the truth. I fell for him because he said exactly what I wanted to hear, what no man had ever said to me. He seemed too good to be true, but I didn’t want to see the signs pointing toward the truth.”

“Sometimes it’s easier to believe a lie,” I said quietly, because I believed Yuta's simulated affection too, much too eagerly.

She met my gaze. “I slept with Yuta.”

My body seized with shock. I had guessed that some of these women had slept with him, but hearing her say it still hurt.

“But it’s been a while. I haven’t seen him with any of us in weeks.”

Some of the weight lifted off my chest—probably since I’d told him I wanted him to stop being with other women. So he had kept word. “He’s slept with many women/men before me,” I said with a small shrug.

“Yeah, they all do,” she said bitterly.

“Did… did he ever force you?”

She tilted her head. “I’m a whore.”

“That doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to say no.”

She smiled. “That’s not how it works. But he never forced me. I never said no. Why would I? There are far worse men out there than Nakamoto Yuta. He’s good looking and not cruel during sex. That’s a good thing.”

I nodded quickly, glad when she stopped talking about having sex with Yuta. “Why don’t you leave? Or are you still paying off your debt?”

"Not anymore, no. It’s been paid off for a year now, but I don’t have anything to return to. I’ve grown used to this life. If you’ve been around here for a while, it’s not like you can work a normal job. We’ve all seen too much. We could work as waitresses in one of the Neo's clubs or bars, but there aren’t many other options once you’re in this.”

“So you are a prisoner of the Neo.”

C.J. touched my arm. “Aren’t we all? Don’t tell me your life has ever been yours?”

No. It wasn’t. Born in blood. That was what every child, girl or boy, was in our world. I was no longer bound to the Wayv. Now I was bound to the Neo. But free? That wasn’t something I would ever be. It wasn’t something I’d ever considered an option. A bird born in captivity will never know the feeling of unbridled freedom the open sky can offer.

How can you long for something you have never experienced?

"It’s okay. Don’t blame yourself. Some things just can’t be changed.”

“I was prisoner, but not now” I smiled at her. While she looked at me in disbelief.

Yuta was clean when he emerged from the backdoor and so was Jaehyun. I was back at the bar with C.J. sitting beside me, drinking our second glass of wine. “I should leave,” she said quickly. “The first customers will arrive soon.”

I nodded. I had every intention of making it my goal to visit the whorehouses of the Neo and get to know the people here. If I knew them, I’d feel even more obligated to help them—even if I knew it was a losing battle. Jaehyun would never listen to me, and even Yuta wouldn’t let me meddle in their business.

I searched his face as he stepped up next to me, looking for signs that what he’d been doing had bothered him, but he looked calm, which should have terrified me, but I was only relieved. Yuta’s eyes followed C.J. as she walked off. Then he frowned at me.

“What did she say?”

“Nothing important,” I said with a smile.

Yuta didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t press the matter, only curled his hand around my wrist and led me out of the club.

The moment we were back home, we gathered in the living area, and Jaehyun ordered pizza.

“How can you be hungry after what you’ve been doing?” I asked curiously as I sank down on the sofa.

Yuta gave me a blank look. “The body still requires a certain calorie intake to keep up its functions.”

Jaehyun rolled his eyes. “One of these days, I’m going to lose my shit on you when you sound like a fucking text book.”

Yuta cocked his brows at his brother. “You’ve said it countless time. It loses its power if you never act on it.”

Jaehyun pulled out his knife and flung it at Yuta. I jumped as the knife impaled itself in the armrest beside Yuta's leg. He didn't even flinch.
“You, Chenle, and Donghyuk are fucking nuisances.”

I smiled. “Thanks,” I said. When Jaehyun gave me a blank stare, I added, “For not including me.”

“He’s getting too daring,” Jaehyun muttered, pointing at me but he didn’t look angry.

Yuta looked relaxed, back to his usual calm self. Maybe he’d overcome whatever had haunted him last night. “Where’s Donghyuck? Is he still gone?”

Jaehyun’s face darkened. “Donghyuck!” he roared. “Get your ass down here.” There was silence. Jaehyun picked up the phone, ordered pizza, then called again. “Donghyuck! I swear, if you’re upstairs and don’t get down here right this second, I’ll come and get you, and you will fucking regret it.”

Steps sounded from upstairs and then Donghyuck appeared on the stairs. He hesitated in the middle of them, looking nervous as he regarded his older brothers.

“What did you do?” Yuta asked.

Donghyuck glanced at Jaehyun, who was snarling. “Don’t tell me you crashed my Bugatti.”

Donghyuck shook his head. “There’s only one dent in the back because someone bumped into me.”

Jaehyun staggered toward his brother and gripped him by the collar. “What the fuck is wrong with you? I told you to stop racing. You’ll get yourself killed.”

“So what? In a few weeks, I’ll be initiated. I’d do everyone a favor if I got killed before becoming like you.”

I held my breath. Yuta, too, tensed beside me.

Jaehyun pulled him even closer, glaring down at him. “You are a fucking child. You don’t know what you’re talking about. Maybe I protected you for too long. Maybe I should have initiated you sooner like Chenle.”

“When did you ever protect me?”

Jaehyun released him with a hard smile. “I ordered pizza. Or are you too good to eat with us?”

Donghyuck hovered on the staircase then slowly skulked down and moved toward us. He flung himself down on the sofa across from us. He gave me a smile then nodded toward Yuta.

“Where’s Chenle?” he mumbled.

“Out with friends,” Jaehyun said.

Maybe you should go out more often too,” Donghyuck muttered.

Jaehyun sat down beside me. “Someone has to make sure the west stays in our hands. I fought too hard for this to lose it because of laziness.”

I realized Jaehyun and Yuta hardly ever went out. With Yuta, I’d thought it was because I was his husband now, but Jaehyun, too, was mostly at home unless he was out doing business with his brothers or Johnny. They lived in their own small world, a world I’d been allowed into. I was getting used to being a Nakamoto of Osaka.

Yuta and I returned to our bedroom after dinner and watching a few videos of past races with his brothers. We got ready for bed. I was sitting against the headboard when he joined me, looking almost wary.
Was he worried about tonight?

“Did C.J. tell you I slept with her?” he asked quietly as he stretched out beside me.

"Yeah … she did. But it’s the past. I’m not holding your past against you. You didn’t hold mine against me.”

Yuta frowned. “There was nothing I could have held against you because you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I know,” I said.

“Do you?”

I sighed. On a logical level, I did, but sometimes I still felt like I was to blame, which was stupid, but it was something deeply ingrained in me and difficult to shake. “Do you ever feel guilty for what you do? For what you did today?”

Yuta considered that. “Not really. As I said, I don’t really feel pity. And those bastards would have done the same if they got their hands on one of ours.”

I yawned. He lifted his arm, and I snuggled up to him, propping myself up on his chest, and kissed him softly. We seldom kissed, mostly just during sex.

He gently touched the back of my head as his other hand brushed my arm. “What’s that for?”

“I just wanted to kiss you,” I admitted. “Or does it bother you if I do? Outside of sex, I mean.”

Yuta tilted his head, his thumb lightly rubbing my neck. “Why would that bother me, Mark? I enjoy kissing you. Did I ever give you reason to believe otherwise?”

“No, but you never kiss me during the day. We only ever kiss when we’re about to have sex.”

“When would you want me to kiss you?”

I sighed. “I don’t want you to kiss me because I want it. I want you to kiss me because you want to do it, because you feel like it.” I realized how foolish I sounded. Yuta would never feel like kissing me. Every act of tenderness was for my benefit.

Yuta searched my face and pulled me toward him then kissed me, the brush of his lips soft, his brown eyes almost unsure.

I blinked at him. “Why did you do that?”

“I don’t know,” he said quietly.

I lowered my head to his bare chest, my cheek pressed up to his warm skin, confused by his actions and words.

That night, familiar sounds of distress woke me. I sat up and fumbled for the light switch, blinking against the sudden brightness.

Yuta jerked upright beside me, his hand reaching for the bedside table and grabbing his knife.

His wild eyes locked on me, chest heaving, his fingers clutching the handle.

“I’m getting Jaehyun,” I murmured and slowly slid out of bed, worried about startling Yuta. His free hand curled around my wrist, stopping me.

I gasped in surprise, my gaze searching his face. The wild despair was gone from his expression, replaced by a mix of confusion and the familiar blankness he had always displayed in the past. “Stay,” he said quietly.

Hesitating, I climbed back into bed, and Yuta pulled me toward him. I settled on his chest. He put the knife back down on his nightstand, but the tension remained in his body. Tracing the tattoos on his torso, I tried to count his scars to distract myself, but it was difficult to determine where many of them ended and others began.

“All these tattoos … why did you get them?”

Yuta's fingers trailed up my spine and continued to my neck, then higher up, tangling in my hair. His lips brushed my forehead, and I peered up at him. Was this simulated affection? Simulated tenderness?

“Pain and pleasure,” he said in a low voice. “I can feel those like anybody else, maybe even stronger.”

"But if you feel pain even stronger than others, why would you submit yourself to having a needle pierce your skin over and over again for many hours? Why do you go into the cage? Why do you seek out pain?”

His mouth twisted. “To remind myself that I’m alive.”

My brows drew together.

“To remember who I am, what I am.”

“I don’t understand,” I admitted. “What happened to you and Jaehyun to make you the way you are?”

Yuta tilted his head down to me and regarded me. I returned his gaze, even if I didn’t know what he was looking for. “Like you said, it’s not only my story but also Jaehyun's.”

“I won’t talk to him about it,” I promised at once. I would never think about talking to Jaehyun about something that obviously affected both him and Yuta like that. It would be suicidal.

“Our mother was insane,” Yuta began in a distant voice.

“Maybe she always was or maybe our father made her that way. I only remember her like that. She had better days when our father stuffed her full of pills, but on this particular day, she was heavily pregnant with Donghyuck. She couldn’t take the pills. Maybe she had wanted to kill herself for a while.”

Something tight coiled in my stomach, and I almost asked him to stop because I knew that day was when Yuta's childhood ended. Yuta’s mother wasn’t the first wife of a Boss who ended her life. Being married to someone raised to be cruel could destroy anyone.

“Our father had sent us all to our cabin out in the Rockies because he wanted us gone from Osaka. We were a burden. One night, our mother pulled me out of bed and led me into her bedroom. Chenle was already there, but he wasn’t moving. She’d given him her sleeping pills. I didn’t know what was going on, but she gripped my arms and slit both my wrists with a knife. She wanted to kill us too. Maybe to punish our father.”

I sucked in my breath, fingers seizing on Yuta’s stomach, but he was stock-still. Those scars on his wrists, they were remnants of that day.

“I was confused and scared.” His brows drew together as if he was trying to remember how being scared felt. “She left after that and came back with Jaehyun a few minutes later. I think she took him last because she knew he’d be her biggest challenge. The house was filling with smoke by then. She’d set fire to the kitchen and living room. Jaehyun rushed over to me, and she locked the door and shoved the key under the gap below the door. Then she moved to cut Jaehyun’s wrists, but he fought her, unlike me. She managed to cut him over and over. That’s where he got the cut on his face. When she realized she couldn’t hold him down, she set the curtains on fire and then slit her own wrists. The room filled with smoke, and I sat in my own blood. Chenle wasn’t moving on the bed.”

Yuta’s voice was mechanical, detached, cold. His eyes were as smooth and impenetrable as mercury, but each of his words burned into me, wedged itself like a knife into my heart. The horrors he described, they were incomprehensible. I had lived my own share of horrors, true, but somehow hearing him describe what he’d gone through as a young boy broke me. “How did you get out?”

“jaehyun threw a lamp through the window and got burned ripping the curtains off the ceiling. Part of his clothes began burning too, but he didn’t stop. My father’s men were trying to get inside the house and trying to extinguish the flames. Jaehyun grabbed me and helped me out of the window. I jumped and broke my leg from the impact. Jaehyun jumped out with Chenle in his arms. He broke his elbow and shoulder because he tried to protect Chenle. Our mother was saved by my father’s men later.”

I swallowed hard, unable to speak, and Yuta fell silent as well.

“It seemed to take forever as I watched my own blood run down my arms. I felt the deep burn and it was almost soothing.” He lifted his arms, wrists up, showing me the long thin scars covered by dark ink. I leaned forward and kissed both of his wrists, my heart aching for Yuta—and for Jaehyun.

I tried to picture Yuta as a child, kneeling in his blood, watching his mother cut Jaehyun, smelling the smoke. I could picture how scared he must have been, how utterly broken and shocked that his own mother had tried to kill them in a barbaric way. It explained so much, explained why he had shut off his emotions and why Jaehyun had turned toward them. Different ways to cope with the same horror.

“Where is she now? Did your father kill her after what she did to you?”

Yuta shook his head. “After the doctors cut Donghyuck out of her, he sent her off to psychiatric hospital for a while, but eventually he moved her back home.”

“He forced you to live under a roof with the woman who tried to kill you?”

Yuta's eyes were focused on his fingers, which ran up and down my side. “For the first few years. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” The smile on his face felt like a bucket of ice. “But things were difficult. Jaehyun became harder to control, and my lack of emotions eventually unsettled my father too much, so he sent us off to boarding school in England, up in the countryside north of Norwich."

"But what about Chenle and Donghyuck? Weren’t they too young?”

Yuta nodded. “Donghyuck was four and Chenle seven when we were shipped off. At the time, Jaehyun had already been inducted and killed a few, but he wouldn’t let us be separated, so we went together to England. Of course, that’s what our father had intended. He wanted Jaehyun and me gone. He was scared of us.”

I couldn’t imagine Jaehyun in a posh boarding school. Yuta could look like a sophisticated gentleman when he covered his tattoos and tried to form his expression into one of pleasantries, but Jaehyun was far from restrained and posh.

“That didn’t work out long,” Yuta said quietly. “Eventually, we ran off and returned to the Osaka to kill our father.”

“But you didn’t. Yangyang's Enforcer, did.”

“That’s something Jaehyun will never forgive our half-brother for. He robbed us of the chance to destroy our father, piece by piece.”

I tended to forget that the Nakamotos
and Wayv were related. “I’m sorry,” I whispered eventually, my insides churning and hoping that Yuta couldn’t see how much his story had affected me.

Yuta made a low sound in his throat, a sound I’d only heard twice before, when he’d been on the verge of snapping, but his face was still unsettlingly void of emotion. His hand on my side dipped lower, over my hip and between my legs.

I jumped, surprised that he was looking for that kind of closeness in a situation like this. His fingers found my between my legs. He hovered over me and kissed me, harder than ever before, and his fingers strummed a fast rhythm between my legs. Despite the jumbled mess that was my emotions, my body responded to his kisses and touch.

Suddenly, he pushed himself up and moved on top of me, his strong arms on either side of my head. I stilled as he held himself over me, his eyes not emotionless at all. Instead, his expression twisted with something akin to despair. He’d never been on top of me during sex.

“Tell me this is okay for you, Mark,” he managed to say in a raw and dark voice. “I’m not sure I can be as gentle as you need me to be. If you can’t do this, tell me and I’ll leave, but …” He shook his head.

“It’s okay,” I whispered, because I wanted to console him in any way I could. If this was what he needed, I could give it to him. I wasn’t scared of Yuta or his body.

YUTA

Mark looked up at me with trust that I had no trouble reading in his eyes. His hands curled around my shoulders, holding on to me, and I grabbed my cock and guided it toward his entrance. He was wet and soft, even though he had been anxious about this position because it made him feel like he had no control, because my physical strength intimidated him. I lowered myself to my elbows. The closeness would calm him. not unsettle, and I felt his body become even softer under me.

He tugged me down for a kiss, and I allowed him this small sliver of control, even if I was longing for something harder, darker. Even if I wanted to exert dominance and not gentleness.

But I needed to be inside him. Now. I slid in without pause, until he touched my pelvis. I shuddered, needing more, needing it fast, needing to get rid of the sudden pressure on my chest that had never been there before.

I forced myself to wait a couple of heartbeats, allowed his body to adapt, forced down the raging flood of need in my body. I had never felt like this, like I needed to consume Mark completely. Like he was the only thing that could satisfy a hunger unlike anything I’d ever felt.

My chest was tight, my stomach hollow, and I wasn’t sure what was going on. Why suddenly every look from Mark made my insides explode with fire, almost painfully but good too.

I pulled out and thrust back into Mark, and his nails dug into my back, leaving scratches. It felt like relief, an outlet for the pressure. My lips found his as I slammed into him, and he returned my gaze with a burning need of his own.

Again, that same ache for something I didn’t understand. I had always been in control, but I couldn’t control this. I reached between us and pumped Mark then latched onto his nipple, sucking and nibbling as I drove him into the bed with long, hard thrusts.

Even his smell opened the hole in my chest wider. Everything about him made my body react, made me long for something impossible, for something foreign and inexplicable.

Mark started to shudder under me, but I kept thrusting even as his walls tightened from the force of his orgasm. I got on my knees for more leverage and kept thrusting, hoping it would fill that hole in my stomach, would satiate the deep hunger of my soul, but even as I came with a violent jerk and my cock softened, the longing remained wedged in my chest.

I sank down on top of Mark and breathed harshly against his throat. His fingers played with my hair, and he kissed my ear, then my temple, and for some reason those two meaningless gestures fulfilled some of my longing.

I twisted my face to look at him. His skin was flushed, and he was breathing fast. He looked stunned, overwhelmed as he met my gaze.

“Did I hurt you?” I rasped.

His brows pulled tight. “No. When you said you couldn’t be gentle, I’d expected worse.”

So had I. It had felt like I was on the verge of losing control, but somehow Mark had held me fast through it all.

“Yuta...?” he asked quietly. “That look on your face, what does it mean?”

If only I knew.

He kissed me. “I know our pasts hold horrors, but we can get beyond that, don’t you think?”

I stroked his cheek.

I had gotten past the horrors. I’d seen and done so many horrible things, how could an event from long ago still hold any power over me?

MARK

The next morning I found Jaehyun pummeling the life out of the punching bag, but all I could think of were Yuta's words, and I knew I’d never see Jaehyun the same way again. Christ, he still terrified me, but I almost understood him—part of him anyway. Jaehyun was cruel and brutal, merciless and quick to snap, but it wasn’t all there was to him.

“Why are you staring?” he panted as he sent the bag flying with another hard kick.

I wasn’t even sure why I had come here. It was where Yuta and his brothers hung out to play pool, watch fights and discuss business, or pummel a punching bag during the day. In the evening when we all had dinner together, my presence was tolerated, but I usually stayed away the rest of the time, giving them their space.

My eyes were drawn to Jaehyun's back. I had never been close enough to him to notice that the tattooed fallen angel covered up burn scars. I hadn’t realized the rough patches on his palms were burns and healed wounds from fending off his mother.

Jaehyun turned to me fully, narrowing his eyes, and for a moment I wanted to go over and hug him, hug the young boy who saved Yuta and Chenle and even the unborn Donghyuck, who fought an insane mother and burned so they could all live, but Jaehyun was a man now and not one you wanted to console. My eyes lingered on the scar crossing his eyebrow, and compassion for him filled me. Maybe Jaehyun was beyond redemption in many people’s eyes, but he had saved his brothers, had saved Yuta.

I wondered how he remembered that day, but I wasn’t brave enough to ask him. Jaehyun stalked toward me, and I looked up into his face when he stopped right in front of me. “Why are you giving me that fucked-up look?” he growled, but for once there wasn’t only anger in his eyes … there was apprehension.

I shook my head. “I wanted to thank you for saving Yuta, Chenle, Donghyuck and youself.”

Jaehyun stiffened and something hard and dangerous curled in the depth of his eyes.

“Two nights ago,” I added, because self-preservation kicked in, but Jaehyun knew that wasn’t what I’d been referring to.

Yet he stepped back and gave a tense shrug. “Someone had to snap him out of it.”

I took a step back as well.

“Oh, and Mark, not a word about any of this to Chenle and Donghyuck. They don’t need to know.”

About Yuta's breakdown. About the past. They didn’t remember, didn’t know, and keeping that truth from them was probably another way Jaehyun protected them.

My eyes were closed as I listened to the music, my fingers gliding over the keys. Nothing brought me more serenity than creating melodies. It was an outlet for the chaos of emotions inside of me.

“You’re really good at it," Jaehyun said.

I jumped, my eyes flying open and settling on Jaehyun. He stood in the doorway for a moment then walked toward me. As usual, i waited for my body to be tensed in his presence.

“Still?” he asked with a wry smile. He leaned against the piano, looking down on me with these impossibly dark, dangerous eyes. “Still terrified of me.”

I laughed. “Jaehyun, is there a person in Osaka in or anywhere else who isn’t scared of you?”

His smile pulled wider. “There’s no man either.”

I sighed. My gaze flickered to the scar on his face, remembering the story Yuta had told me, wondering how a man capable of unspeakable acts could have risked his life to save his brothers. Jaehyun was a complete mystery to me.

His eyes narrowed, and he moved closer, leaning over me, one hand braced on the keys, causing the piano to release a high-pitched whine. “Why are you looking at me like that?” he growled. “What did Yuta tell you?”

I swallowed. “Don’t come so close,” I said firmly.

Jaehyun’s lips tightened dangerously, but he straightened his body, giving me more space. “I told you before and I will tell you again: You are Yuta’s. You are safe with me”

“I know,” I said. “But I can’t help my body’s reaction to you. Maybe it’ll fade.”

He shrugged. “He told you about our mother, didn’t he?”

There was a tone to his voice that made the little hairs on my neck rise. “He did.”

Jaehyun gave a sharp nod. Then he warned in a low voice, “Some things need to stay buried. She is one of them. And Yuta's emotions probably too. I don’t know what you want from him, but for his sake and yours, don’t push him.”

Chapter Text

MARK

Early the next day, Yuta and I set out for our first hike together. I wasn’t overly fit, but having Yuta to myself, surrounded by beautiful scenery, was too enticing. He took us Mount Kongo, one of the tallest mountain in Osaka. He was quiet during the ride, focused on the street, but his eyes seemed to see beyond the road ahead.

He surprised me when he took my hand, resting both on my thigh. His warmth seeped into me, but that wasn’t why my chest felt warmer.

We parked our car and set off for the circular trail. Yuta was dressed in a tight, white T-shirt and gym shorts, his hair falling into his eyes. He also carried a massive backpack with provisions. I had opted for shorts and a shirt. It was only seven o’clock, but the day would be hot.

Yuta lightly touched my back. “Ready for your first hike?”

I smiled. “With you at my side, I can do anything.”

His expression softened. He nudged me closer and kissed me before he straightened and pointed at the trail. I was still taken aback by his show of affection. Not trying to analyze it, I fell into a stride beside Yuta. He pointed out particularly beautiful stone formations. They glowed in different shades of pink.

Despite nature’s beauty, my gaze kept returning to Yuta. He had been different since I’d told him I loved him. Did he feel pressured to simulate emotions more often? Was that why he had been acting off? But I couldn’t imagine that Yuta yielded under pressure. Yuta was strong, hardened. He was a Nakamoto.

Yuta slowed his pace when he noticed I was having trouble keeping up. Eventually he chose a spot overlooking a valley of smaller stone formations, so we could take a break. We sat down on the ground, hip to hip, and Yuta handed me a sandwich.

“And? Do you enjoy it?” he asked.

I tilted my head at him. “The hike or the sandwich?”

“Both would be optimum.”

I shook my head. “Optimum…” I put my chin down on his shoulder “…I bet in school the other kids hated how clever and proper you were.”

Yuta's eyebrows shot up. “I was not proper. And the kids hated me for many reasons.”

“But I doubt they ever teased you.”

“When Jaehyun and I first started boarding school in England, the kids didn’t know who we were. We were supposed the blend in. I was two years ahead, same year as Jaehyun. Many of the boys in my classes were taller. They tried taunting me at first.”

“That didn’t go over well.”

“A few of them had unfortunate incidents leading to hospital stays,” Yuta said. “Most of them were Jaehyun's doing, but I got a few of them as well.”

“And you weren’t thrown out of school?”

“The teachers knew who we were,” Yuta said with a dark smile.

I searched his face, trying to imagine how he had been as a child. Yuta met my gaze, and something softer, warmer filled his eyes. He leaned forward, touched my hip, and claimed my mouth for a kiss. I kissed him back, and eventually we stretched out on the warm stone, Yuta leaning over me, kissing me, stroking my waist and ribcage. He rolled us over until I was lying on top of him. His hands roamed over my back, but the sound of a twig breaking tore us apart and Yuta sat up with me still on top of him. His eyes scanned our surroundings. Then he relaxed again. His lips left a soft trail along my cheek down to my throat. His gentleness, his loving gestures, they made my heart throb with love and despair.

He simulated love for me. Sometimes, I managed to forget. But whenever I remembered, the pain was acute and heartbreaking. I shoved that thought aside. Yuta cupped my cheek again, angled my head until our mouths connected. The kiss was all consuming, and I let it pull me down, let Yuta’s hands banish any logical thought.

When he settled between my legs and claimed me, nothing else mattered but having Yuta above me, inside of me, his mouth on mine, his gray eyes alight with desire and more … I didn’t care if it was simulated or not.

Afterward, we got dressed and continued our hike. His expression was calm and serene as it scanned the landscape around us, as long as he wasn’t trying to simulate emotions. Was that how we would all be, calm and serene if we hadn’t been burdened with the ability to feel at birth?

Calm and serene. I wished I could be like that, but my thoughts and emotions were a whirlwind in my body, confusing and terrifying and completely foolish.

+++

A few days later, Yuta had gone to train for a fight with Johnny, and I was left alone with Jaehyun. It was the first time he was the one to guard me. Yuta had mentioned that Jaehyun would be leaving soon for a mission in Exo territory, which was why he was busy with last minute preparations at home.

I found him in his favorite spot on the sofa, checking something on his tablet. He didn’t look up when I entered, and I watched him silently.

He raised his head, his expression hardening. “What now?” His voice was low, on the verge of angry.

“Why do you enjoy hurting women?” I whispered.

Jaehyun narrowed his eyes. “I enjoy hurting people. I don’t differentiate if it’s a man or a woman.”

“And yet you punish women differently than men,” I said.

“Do I?” he murmured, dark eyes burning into me. He put down his tablet and stood. “They get a choice. They can submit to torture or …”

“Submit to another form of torture,” I said, growing angry. “You give them a choice between two forms of torture.”

He stalked toward me, but for once I didn’t back away. Almost three months in his presence gave me the necessary courage, that combined with the knowledge that Yuta trusted Jaehyun. “But one of them is far less painful than the other. It’s a choice. More than men get.”

I shuddered. “I can assure you that it was very painful for me.”

Jaehyun regarded me a moment. He was close enough I could see the myriad of scars marring his upper body. He seldom wore shirts in the house. In the beginning, I thought it was to unsettle me even more—like Jaehyun wasn’t unsettling enough on his own. “You were a child. Nobody touches children in my territory nor underage girls or boys”

“Don’t they bring more money?” I muttered.

“Of course. Most fuckers would pay a fortune to pop a girl’s cherry, but we don’t allow that kind of thing in our territory.”

“Why not? You allow sex slavery, don’t you? You have Romancers who seduce women, make them believe they are being loved and then turn them into whores.”

Jaehyun sneered. Sometimes I wondered how a single person could harbor so much violence and hatred. “These women start working as whores because they want to please a man they should kill instead. If a woman allows a man to treat her like that, it’s as much her fault as it is his. They agree to sell their bodies because they think they are in love. That’s stupid, and they pay for their stupidity.”

“They want to help someone they love,” I said indignantly. “Your Romancers make them believe they are indebted to the Neo, and then the women take over the debt and have to work it off as whores. That’s horrible.”

Jaehyun took another step closer to me, but I still didn’t back off. “If women act as the weaker sex, they will be treated that way. Why don’t these idiotic women tell my Romancers to go fuck themselves?”

“You will never understand because you’ve never loved someone.”

Jaehyun smiled wryly. “Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is the biggest kind of stupidity I can imagine.”

I flinched, because this hit too close to home, and because I knew he was right. Realization filled Jaehyun’s face and my insides twisted. Now he knew I loved Yuta. I turned to leave, but he grasped my wrist.

“Let me go.”

For once, he didn’t. Instead, he drew me back so I had to face him. I glared up at his cruel, dark eyes. He shook his head, and I waited for him to taunt me. “He can’t feel.”

“I know,” I muttered, tugging at his hold, but his fingers tightened around my wrist. Finally, my anger and despair bubbled over.
“Do you think I don’t know that? But I can’t change how I feel! Don’t you think I would change it if I could? But love doesn’t work that way. You will never understand.”

“You are right,” he said in a low voice. “I can’t and I won’t. Why would I want to be a fucking fool?”

"I hope one day you will find someone you want so much it burns you up inside, and then we’ll talk when he doesn’t return your feelings.”

Jaehyun backed me against the wall, his expression hard and cruel. “That will never happen. And I’ve burned before, Mark. I can brave flames and torture. I’m not weak like you.”

“I’m not weak.” I wrenched my wrist out of his grip and shoved him hard. He took a deliberate step back, staring down at my hands still pressed against his chest. I dropped them quickly, shock filling me.

Jaehyun raised his gaze, and I tensed, worried about his anger, but he was smirking. “Finally, you didn’t let your fucking fear win.”

I blinked at him, but he stepped back and turned around, heading toward the door, but before he reached it, he stopped and looked at me over his shoulder, his eyes hard. “Oh and, Mark, you will never speak to me like that again. I am your Boss. Understood?”

I gave stunned nod and watched as he left.

YUTA

Johnny aimed a kick at my head. I dodged it a bit too late, and he lightly grazed my chin.

Surprise crossed over his face, which I used to land two hard punches against his lower back. He gasped but quickly recovered and got in a hit of his own.

He tilted his head. “What’s up with you?”

“What do you mean?” I asked carefully, grabbing the towel I’d thrown over the rope. I wiped my face and chest.

“You have been … less focused today. And it was the same during your fight.”

I leaned against the post in the corner. My current state wasn’t something I wanted to discuss until I had a better handle on things and had a chance to thoroughly analyze my predicament. “You don’t like the idea with Suho's niece.”

Johnny narrowed his eyes, obviously dissatisfied with the topic change. “Do you really think Jaehyun’s plan is good?”

Jaehyun’s plan was emotional, fueled by revenge and hate. It was dangerous but it could prove to be effective. I regarded Johnny. “You know that guy. You feel pity for him?”

He grimaced. “You know me, Yuta. I will follow Jaehyun through hellfire, but unlike you, I still have a couple of emotions.”

“Before Doyoung, you convinced everyone that wasn’t the case.”

“Before Doyoung, I had convinced myself that I wasn’t capable of emotions,” he said, then narrowed his eyes as if catching himself.

“Jaehyun’s plan will create upheaval in the Exo. Suho's sister will be devastated that her son got caught by us, and Suho will feel responsible for his nephew. His wife will be worried as well because of their own daughter. This might be one of the times Suho forgoes logic and acts. If that happens, we can beat him.”

“Probably. Because no matter what, we can always count on you to be the voice of logic, Yuta.”

I gave a tense nod. Indifference and logical analyzing had guided me through my life, had saved mine and Jaehyun’s life on many occasions when his temper had gotten the better of him. But when I was around Mark, logic was difficult to hold on to. Since the night he told me he loved me, something had shifted. It had started as a small crack but had continuously widened, and I had no way of stopping it. “Are you sure you will be able to do what must be done once you’re in Busan? You won’t get distracted by thoughts of your father?”

Hate flashed across Johnny's face. “I’ve waited a long time. I can wait a few more weeks or months. You don’t have to worry. I will stand by Jaehyun no matter how insane his plan is. I doubt it’s only motivated by strategic motivations.”

“Jaehyun's plans never are. He wants to play with Suho, wants to tear the Exo apart from the inside. Jaehyun is the best at mind games.”

“Yeah. Jaehyun knows how to fuck with people’s brain,” Johnny said with a dark laugh.

He did, and Suho and wayv would soon realize their mistake of fucking with the Neo.

MARK

Nothing brought me as much comfort as playing Yuta’s song, which was ironic considering it filled me with a crushing longing and wistfulness at the same time.

When my fingers got to the part where I came to the realization of my feelings, the melody turned low and dark, as if the piano was reluctant to play the notes, like I had been reluctant to admit my feelings to myself.

Yuta stepped in and regarded me silently for a while. I didn’t glance up from the piano keys, playing the song to the end, shivering as the low notes faded away.

“What does it mean?” Yuta murmured. “Since you started the song, it has evolved more and more.”

I raised my eyes to his. “It’s the story of my feelings for you,” I admitted. “How I came to accept that I love you and that you can never love me back.” As usual, my throat tightened at my admittance.

Yuta's expression softened ever so slightly and warmth filled his gray eyes, and today I could not take it. This simulated emotion, no matter how good he was at it, would never be enough. I knew it, deep down. “Stop it,” I whispered harshly.

His eyes narrowed, and he moved closer, his motions graceful as always. And I resented even that. He could be so beautiful and intelligent and powerful, but he could never be the one thing I longed for: emotional.

I glared up into his beautifully cold face. “You are too good at this. Too good at simulating affection, at pretending that you care for me. So good, sometimes, I almost believe you could really love me, Yuta.” Tears welled in my eyes.

Weak.
A fucking fool.

What else had Jaehyun called me? He had been right in every regard.

Yuta braced himself on the piano, staring down at me. “Maybe I don’t have to simulate,” he said in that smooth voice. “Maybe I love you.”

This was the last straw. I could not take anymore. I jumped up from the bench, wishing he could understand how it tore me apart knowing that I loved someone who could never grasp what it meant to look at another and feel like you would shatter if that person was taken from you.

I gripped the front of his shirt, turning toward my anger. “Don’t lie to me. I told you not to say those words to me if you didn’t mean them. So just don’t.”

I released his shirt, stunned by the look in his eyes. It seemed as if they were burning with emotion.

How good was he at faking this?

Swallowing thickly, I whirled around, needing to get away before I allowed myself to become trapped in this horrid simulation again. A clear, low note rang out when I was halfway up the stairs, and I froze, listening to the melody unfolding. It was a beautiful melody, every note complimenting the other. It was well composed but lacked emotion. It was a melody a computer might have created because it was just a bunch of notes strung together to please the average ear. You could listen to it over casual dinner with strangers because it never got your pulse rate up, never tore at your heartstrings or filled your body with sweet longing. Never made you want to cry from the sheer force of emotion it carried.

Then something shifted. At first it was subtle, a slight hiccup in the perfect composition. Darker notes begged for attention and were followed by short, high notes until they battled each other and what appeared to be a perfect composition. Slowly, I turned, terrified of what I would see.

Yuta sat at the piano, eyes closed, head tilted to the side, as his fingers flew over the keys. He was a sight to behold with his gruesome tattoos, countless scars, and that perfectly sculpted, emotionless face. I was sure no matter how long I’d live, I would never see anything more breathtaking than Yuta forcing wondrous notes out of my piano.

The perfect composition battled with the unhinged notes, and then suddenly, inexplicably, they were no longer fighting for dominance. They wound around each other and it was more perfect together than any calculated symphony could ever be because it carried longing and hope, fear and resignation, love and hate. It carried it all, and I couldn’t protect myself from it.

The tears I’d been holding back slipped out, and I wrapped my arms around my chest as if that could stop my heart from jumping out of my ribcage. When the last note died off, I stood there shaking.

Yuta opened his eyes and looked at me. And I knew then that if what I saw Yuta’s eyes, what I saw on his face, was simulated, then I could live with it because it filled my heart with so much warmth it burned me from the inside out.

“What is this?” he asked in a raw voice.

I took a step toward him. “What is what?”

“Tell me,” he said as he rose. “What is this if not emotion?”

I stared, not able to comprehend what he was saying, not daring to hope. “The song … that’s what you feel?”

Yuta walked toward me slowly and regarded me as if I had shattered everything he believed. He stopped right in front of me, so we were on eye level, and I could barely breathe. “Before you, there was calm. There was order and logic.”

I remembered the beginning of his song, that perfect composition. “And now?” I let out a hoarse exhale.

“Now,” he growled and his expression twisted, “now there’s chaos.”

I swallowed. What was I supposed to do with that kind of revelation? He startled me by cupping my cheeks, bringing our faces close, breathing harshly against my mouth, his eyes almost desperate.

“And you want the calm back,” I whispered.

His brows drew together as he regarded me. He dipped his head and kissed me, soft and slow, nothing like what I’d expected from the look in his eyes. “Yes and no. Perhaps. I don’t know,” he said quietly. “It takes some getting used to.”

And it lodged itself in my heart again, that stupid hope that perhaps one day Yuta could … Yuta would love me.

YUTA

Jaehyun watched me warily as he put a few more guns into the trunk of his car. He’d be leaving for Busan in a few hours with Johnny. We were meeting in the Sugar Trap in thirty minutes for a few last-minute preparations. “I still think I should come with you,” I said firmly. “You and Johnny are a volatile combination in Busan.”

Johnny knows more about the Exo than any of us, and you need to make sure nothing happens here. You can keep things in order if Johnny and I don’t return.”

“Your chances of returning would increase if I came with you.”

“These last couple of weeks, you have been erratic, Yuta. I think it’s best if you stay here.”

I frowned. I had a better handle on myself, and the nightmares had stopped. But I wasn’t the same as I had been before. There was no denying it.

Jaehyun touched my shoulder. “What is going on? Do I need to worry?”

“I’m not how I used to be,” I began, not sure how I could describe to him what I could hardly understand myself. “I feel things. It’s still a struggle, still not how normal people feel, I’m sure of it, but it is there.”

Jaehyun had become very still. “It is because of Mark?”

I nodded. “Because of him. He fought the demons of his past and made me realize that I, too, was shackled by memories, controlled by something I thought I had put past me.”

Jaehyun looked away, fury contorting his expression. “Our mother should be dead. Father should have killed her after cutting Donghyuck out of her. I should have killed her when I took over, but she is still there. Still fucking alive.”

I touched Jaehyun's shoulder. “She’s as good as dead. A shadow of a person. She is the past.”

Jaehyun gave a jerky nod and met my gaze, something dark and dangerous in his eyes. I knew that look and had seen it many times before. “Are you still at my side now that you have gone all soft because of Mark?”

I gripped his forearm over the Neo tattoo, and he mirrored the gesture. “We are brothers. Not just by birth, but by choice, and I will stand by your side until I take my last breath. Nothing will change that. Mark knows it, and he accepts it. I have your back.” I paused. “And I’m not going soft, don’t worry. These new sensations … I worried they would weaken me, that I couldn’t be what you needed anymore, but they don’t and they won’t. I still don’t feel a flicker of pity or guilt when I kill and torture for our cause, and that won’t change.”

Jaehyun nodded and released me. For him, it was settled. He knew I was still there for him. “Now that I know you can take care of Osaka while I’m gone, I’ll have to focus on kidnapping the lucky bride.

I shook my head. Jaehyun was obsessed. I should have been the voice of reason in this and made sure our plan actually worked. Emotions wouldn’t change the fact that I was the voice of logic between the two of us. That I would always be better at controlling my emotions, but Jaehyun would follow his plan no matter what I said.

Mark had freed me from the shackles of my past, and I wished the same for Jaehyun. But Jaehyun was Jaehyun, and he would never allow a woman/man to see any side of him that didn’t evoke terror and fear.

When I returned home early in the evening, Mark was outside in the garden and practicing how to shoot a gun. He had improved greatly since he’d first held a gun in his hand. Donghyuck was beside him, adjusting his arms every now and then. Donghyuck would be inducted in three weeks, on his fourteenth birthday, and now he’d pulled back even further from Jaehyun Chenle, and myself. The only person he still spoke to on a daily basis was Mark. He shot again, hitting bull’s-eye. Donghyuck smiled. Then he spotted me and stiffened. After saying something to Mark, he walked off.

Mark headed my way, the gun still in his hand. He was beaming, looking fucking proud, and my heart did that strange flip again. It always startled me.

“Did you see that?” he asked as he stopped in front of me.

“You’re a good shot.”

His brows drew together. “Everything all right? You have a strange look on your face again.”

I took his hand and led him inside the mansion. He followed without hesitation but chanced the occasional confused look at me. When we arrived in our bedroom, I took the gun from him and set it down on the nightstand. Then I pulled him against me and kissed him. His hands came up to my chest, stroking and tugging, as his mouth moved against mine. He tasted like peppermint and chocolate, and I couldn’t get enough of it.

Lifting him up, I laid him down on the bed then climbed on top of him, pressing my hard cock against his. He moaned into my mouth and wrenched my shirt out of my pants. I sat up and quickly discarded my shirt before lowering myself back onto Mark’s soft body.

His hands roamed over my back up to my neck, pulling me closer, and I kissed him harder and rocked my hips against his pelvis. He gasped. “Yuta. I need you.”

I pushed his hoodie over his head then sucked his nipples as my hand traveled down to his shorts. I opened them and slipped my hand into his briefs, over his soft hair and he was hard, finding his hot and wet and ready.

Fuck. I ripped his shorts down his legs then made quick work of his briefs as well and pushed down my own pants and briefs before I moved back between his legs and thrust into him n one deep, hard move. We groaned and Mark's nails raked over my back. I growled as my balls twitched. I guided one of his legs up then began fucking h in slow, hard thrusts. His eyes remained on mine as I elicited from his lips one moan after another. There was trust and love in her eyes. I could see it now. I wasn’t sure why I ever had trouble reading those emotions in her gaze. My own chest tightened, and my dead heart swelled with fucking emotion.

Fuck, it was painful, but it was the best pain I’d ever felt. I wrapped my arms around Mark, bringing our bodies even closer, needing him fucking closer because only he filled the hole in my chest. Only he could look down into the black abyss that was my soul and find something lovable in it.

My throat became tight, but I forced the words out that I’d wanted to say for days now.

“I love you.” My thrusts faltered when I heard those three words aloud, heard them spill from my lips.

Mark tensed under me, his eyes widening, and I fucking pulled myself together and thrust into him again. “You do?” he whispered.

“I do, with my fucking dead heart. With every fucking fiber of my being.”

He gasped as I angled my thrusts higher, and his eyes still showed incomprehension, like he couldn’t believe it. I reached between us, touching his tip, and claimed him lips. He arched up, shuddering, and I let loose as well. I kept my eyes open, kept watching Mark's gorgeous face contort with pleasure. I’d always enjoyed sex. It was the closest I could come to feel, but sex with emotion was something else entirely. It was fucking perfection.

I remained on top of Mark even as I began to go soft and kissed him once more.

“You love me,” he whispered. “For real?”

“I love you. For real. No simulated affection or love ever again, because with you, I don’t need to simulate. You dragged that dead part of me out of the past and revived it. I didn’t die fifteen years ago, but I didn’t live either … until you.”

He held even tighter on to me. “I love you, Yuta. A part of me died six years ago, but you helped me live again.”

We had both been scarred by our past, but together we fought our demons and came out as the champions. Never had a victory felt better.

THE END