Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Second place. That is all Regulus had ever been and it is all he will ever be. This is something he knew. He knew it when he got into this. He had no one to blame but himself. So, why does it hurt so much?

Regulus watched from his spot across the cafe. He wasn't stalking them. He wasn't. He preferred to avoid them at all costs. Regulus had been here first. It was his favorite cafe and he was just trying to enjoy his alone time.

But then they walked in. Neither of them noticed then, which Regulus was grateful for. As soon as the couple had sat down they were all over each other. Regulus rolled his eyes. They were practically fucking each other right in public. Some people have no class, Regulus thought. Not because he was jealous, Oh no not that, but because it was simply improper and Regulus had been….taught better.

The poor Barista had to shout multiple times before the couple realized their coffee was ready. James got up to get it, Regulus slinked down further in his chair and took a large sip of his coffee to hide his face. The coffee burnt his tongue and was bitter in all the wrong ways.

Regulus couldn't help but take note of the order. A simple latte for James and some strange pink frappuccino for Lily. Of fucking course she would order something obnoxious like that. This thought made Regulus feel better, a little bit superior even. He drank real coffee. Coffee that had zero calories. How could she even drink that calorie bomb? Especially on a date.

Even though it had not cooled down at all, Regulus took another large gulp. He hoped they would finish soon so he could leave.

Regulus’s coffee got cold by the time he decided he couldn't do this anymore. James and Lily were taking way too long. Regulus had a plan. This was his favorite cafe after all. One word to the barista and he was sneaking out through the back exit. Once he was safely out of the cafe everything hit him like a tidal wave.

His back collided with the metal door, he slid down it and wrapped his arms around his knees. He shook violently but no tears came out. Normally he would have been disgusted with himself. Sitting in the nasty concrete, stained with questionable spills and cigarette butts. Never would he be caught dead sitting in this filth. As Regulus’s tremors came to an end the reality came into focus, along with the stomach-curdling stench of garbage.

Regulus sighed and let go of his knees.

“...Regulus ?” Someone said,

Regulus froze in place, in a squat, one hand flat against the concrete. Fuck. Just ignore it.
Ignore it. Regulus pushed himself up fully and dusted off his pants, so he could have at least a little bit of dignity.

“Regulus .” James said again. He was alone, with no Lily in sight.

Regulus didn't respond. He had a response, ready to fire just hanging on the tip of his tongue leaving a bad taste in his mouth. But he wouldn't, couldn't say it. Instead, he focused on his breathing, forcing it to come out at an even normal pace.

The alleyway was too small for two people to comfortably walk past each other. Regulus had to press himself against the wall to slip by, James made no move to let him by.

“Regulus don't be like that.”

” Don't be like that. Don't be like that. Why can't you be normal? We're not in a relationship. There is nothing between us. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.”

Regulus repeated the mantra like a prayer as he walked away. In a way it was. A plea to a higher power to save him from this, to keep him from turning around.

James didn't call after Regulus again, Regulus didn't look back.

* Oh, Darling, can't you see the way, We merge and intertwine? *

The whole summer, Regulus didn't see James. It was mostly because Regulus did nothing but rot in bed the rest of the summer. He just laid, with the lights off, drowning in his misery.

He got countless letters from James that he never opened. He stuffed them under his mattress and tried to forget about them. Eventually, there were so many that there was a lump in his bed. After that he started keeping them under a floorboard, so his mother wouldn't find them.

One couldn't simply just ‘forget about James’ no matter how hard they tried. James was one of those boys that plagued the strongest of men's minds for days upon days. But Regulus tried with all his might.

It sort of worked. By the time Regulus got on the train he had gotten pretty good at ignoring any and all thoughts about James Potter. He was feeling very confident in his decision to be done with him. Regulus Black had sworn off James Potter and he would stand by that till the day he died.

* The day that you were born, I said "I knew you would be mine" *

The headmaster seemed to find great joy in pairing the rival houses together. Which meant Slytherin and Gryffindor ended up together more often than not. Normally it wasn't that big of a deal. Easy to ignore, even when they were being particularly obnoxious. It wasn't a big deal if Professor Slughorn was teaching or even Professor McGonagall was.

Today, however, both Slytherin and Gryffindor had herbology with Professor Sprout. The head of Hufflepuff House was very adamant about the benefits of working in pairs. Especially pairs that one would think wouldn't work. In some sick twist of fate, Regulus Black gets paired up with James Potter.

“Alright, have you done this before?” James asked with a lopsided smile. He gestured to their table which multiple Fanged Geranium were sat upon.

“No.” Regulus said with a clipped tone. Regulus and James don't talk during school. No matter what they get up to in their free time, they are by no means friendly.

“It's easy really. A tad bit boring. I think Mrs.Longbottom keeps some. She has so many plants I'm surprised she manages to keep them alive-”

“Haven't you done this class before?” Regulus interrupted. James is a year older than him, he had most definitely done this class before.

James sheepishly looked at the ground and rubbed the back of his neck, “Yeah but I failed because of a prank so now I have to take it again.”

Regulus rolled his eyes and focused on pulling on his gloves. The first one went on easy, there was no trouble with the buckles. The other one was more of a struggle. The buckles were hard to click into place with the thickness of the gloves.

“Here let me help you.” James reached out to take Regulus's hand in his.

Regulus yanked his hand to his chest, “I got it.”

James frowned and Regulus felt instantly guilty. James looked like a kicked puppy and it never failed to make Regulus’s heartbreak.

“I got it.” He repeated.

By the time Regulus got his other glove on properly everyone else had already started to handle their plants. Regulus scowled, and now they were behind. All because James couldn't keep his fucking hands to himself.

Regulus reached down to pick up the Geranium. Across the class, he can see Lily. Her red hair is so striking against the surrounding green of the house plants, that it's hard to miss. Lily looked up and her eyes met Regulus's. Bright green and full of life so unlike Regulus’s silver ones. Regulus grabbed the Geranium too roughly.

It opened its wide mouth and lunged forward. Its shiny fangs sunk into Regulus’s hand with such vigor and speed Regulus didn't even feel it. They sink right through the gloves and into his skin. It wasn't until the flower reeled back did Regulus felt it.

Blood started blooming through the gloves, effectively staining the tan material with spreading dots of red.

“Shit! Regulus! Are you okay?” James asked worriedly, One of his hands came to rest on Regulus’s shoulder.

Regulus stood frozen. He started at his hand, The Geranium still grasped in his other. The wound burned and pulsed. No one around them seemed to notice what had happened, except for Lily. In the blink of an eye, Lily was in front of them. Her eyebrows were creased upwards, and she was focused entirely on Regulus .

“Are you okay?” She asked in such a genuinely sweet tone. Regulus felt like throwing up. Lily's words brought him out of his fog.

“I’m fine!” He finally managed to spit out. Regulus could feel the tremors and cold sweat setting in. The result of one too many cruciatus curses. Every nerve in his body was left exposed to the elements. His lungs struggled against the freeze, Rising and falling in quick bursts.

Lily placed a hand on his shoulder and looked at him with such concern. Like she actually wanted to help. When was the last time someone had looked at him like that?

Regulus could feel the warmth of her hand even through his robes. He hated it. The gentle touch had yanked him back to reality. How can she do this? Yank him out of the fog when he can't even do it himself?

Regulus threw himself backward. He scrambled back, far away from Lily. Far away from James.

James reached out to him, but Regulus only had one thing on his mind. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. He bolted to the door. In all his haste, his robe caught on the door and ripped as he yanked it free. Somewhere behind him, someone said, “Chill out.”

The corridors winded and turned harshly. Regulus almost slipped multiple times as he ran through them. He couldn't feel his hand anymore. Only the impact of the floor against his feet. He ran as fast as he could, with no sense of direction.

The problem with running was that Regulus didn't do it, not anymore. Merely standing up too fast nearly sends him tumbling to the ground. Cardio was almost unimaginable these days. The adrenaline quickly ran dry.

Regulus propped himself up against the wall. His heart rammed so hard against his ribs, that he was half afraid it would break free. He could feel everything, see everything, and hear everything. The flooding stimulation that crashed in all at once made Regulus gag.

He could feel the muscle and flesh that wrapped around his ribs. The skin that laid over it. He could feel his diaphragm, struggling to make him breathe. Regulus placed a hand over his chest, where he could clearly feel his hammering heart. He was going to die, he was sure of it. Merlin, he was going to die.

There were footsteps quickly approaching. Then a pair of black shiny shoes came into view. ‘Go away’ Regulus thought. He just wanted to break down in peace. Was that too much to ask for?

“Oh Regulus …” James sighed, he crouched down into Regulus’s eyesight. James was frowning, his forehead all creased up. Regulus covered his face with his hands, hiding away the sight of James.

“Regulus, c’mon. You have to come see Madam Pomfry.”

“No.” Regulus said. It came out muffled beneath his hands and effectively made him feel like nothing more than an insolent child.

“You need to get your hand checked out.” James said.

“I hate it there.”

“I know, but I'll be there with you.”

Regulus peeked between his fingers and stared down at James.

“Don't run again Regulus .”

Regulus doubted he could run even if he really wanted to. There was still a painful stitch in his side, It still hurt every time he tried to take a breath. James stood up and Regulus allowed his hands to drop from his face.

James took Regulus’s injured hand and started working on the buckles. The material of the glove pulled on his skin, the blood had dried and caused it to stick. James carelessly dropped the glove to the ground.

James raised Regulus’s hand to his mouth. He paused a mere couple of inches away and looked at Regulus with a questioning look. Regulus could feel the heat of James' breath. Regulus made no move to pull away even as the logical part of him begged him to.

James pressed his lips softly to the wound. Regulus could barely feel the kiss, it just fluttered over it. Almost as if James was scared any more pressure would hurt him. James pulled away but kept Regulus’s hand in his own to run his thumb over.

“Don't do that.” Regulus said.

“Don't do what?”

Regulus tilted his head up and leaned against the cold stone of the corridor. His eyes squeezed shut painfully and he pulled his hand away from James.

“Don't be so gentle with me. I can't handle it.”

Chapter Text

It’s settled. In the comfort of his dorm room, Regulus had come to the conclusion that he hated Lily Evans. He hated everything about her. He also has become quite fond of ranting to his close friends and roommates.

“She’s so stupid!” Regulus groaned. He dropped his face into the pillow and pretended like he was smothering himself.

Barty scoffed and plopped down onto Regulus ' bed, “Mate with the amount you talk about her one might think you're into her.”

Regulus scowled and tossed a pillow behind him. He missed Barty by a full foot. Regulus shuddered at the thought of him being into Lily fucking Evans.

“I’m gay,” Regulus said.

Barty laughed and laid back. His weight settled over Regulus ’s legs. It was comfortable, like a weighted blanket.

“Yeah yeah, Regulus. Don't have to talk about it all the time,” Evan said as he walked through the dorm door.

“Oh shut up!” Regulus responded.

Evan joined Barty on Regulus ' bed. His bed has become the communal bed. If they aren't sleeping, most likely they're not sitting on someone Regulus ’s bed. Regulus doesn't mind. It just means he has to hid his snacks in the bottom of his trunk instead of underneath his bed like he does at home.

“Do you want to talk about what this is really about?” Barty tried, he sat up from Regulus ’s legs to look at him.

Regulus buried his face back into the pillow and mumbled out, “I don't know what you mean.”

Barty hummed like he didn't really believe him. Regulus supposed he doesn't. He hasn't exactly been the best at hiding it. The three of them had been friends since their very first year of Hogwarts. Living in such quarters meant that there really weren't any secrets behind them. Regulus would say they were as close as brothers, but they weren't. Regulus has a brother, and he was way closer to Barty and Evan then to him.

Despite all this, Regulus has never told them about James Potter. Well, he's told them at length how much James Potter annoys him. But, Regulus has never told them about all the time he snuck out to meet him. All the touches. The promises that they would never be anything more. Regulus has never outright admitted to anything no matter how much Barty and Evan poked and prodded.

Evan can tell they won't be getting anything out of Regulus, so he folded. He shook Regulus by the leg and stood up from the bed, “Come on then, Let's go to breakfast.”

“I’m not hungry,” Regulus said, not moving an inch from the comfort of his bed.

“Uh-uh, You got quidditch practice, you're coming to breakfast even if I have to drag you out of this bed.” To make his point, Barty grabbed Regulus by the ankle and dragged him down the length of the bed.

“Fine! Fine!” Regulus kicked himself free with a scowl, “Go, I’ll follow you.”

“We’re going to wait outside the door.” Evan said.

Regulus nodded and started rummaging through his trunk for his jumper. Once he heard the door close he jumped up and pulled his jumper out from underneath his pillow, where he knew it had been all along. He pulled off his shirt but instead of putting on the jumper, Regulus took the time to run his hand along his ribs. He can feel them, but he can also feel the layer of fat that has settled over them. He had been doing so good. All of summer, Regulus barely ate. So how the fuck had this happened? Had the couple of weeks of school really done this much damage?

Don’t panic. Don’t panic. Don't panic. Regulus looked up to the roof and blinked away the tears. His fingernails dug into the skin over his ribs, leaving red and angry crescent shapes there. Breathe in. Breathe out. He couldn’t cry. Not right now. Not with Evan and Barty waiting outside.

Regulus pushed the thoughts to the very back of his mind and pulled on the dark green jumper.

* I breathe in, and you breathe out *

James Potter is sitting at the Slytherin table. The sight of it caused Regulus to stop midstep. James is just sitting there, eating like it's no big deal. The Slytherins that are already sat gave him dirty looks and whispered behind their hands. James seems oblivious.

He looked up at the great hall's door. He saw Regulus and waved him over with a goofy fucking smile. Regulus felt like throwing up. It had become a common reaction to seeing James.

Regulus is fucking livid that James is sitting there. But mostly Regulus is mad at himself. Mad that he just stood there and let James talk to him sweetly the other day. Regulus let him place a soft kiss on his hand. He let him do all this, despite the fact that he had sworn James off.

Regulus planned to make up for lost time. Normally, Regulus would have just walked away. He wasn't too keen on being forced to sit down and eat anyway. There was just something about the audacity that really ticked him off. This was his table. He had a right to sit there.

Regulus stalked up to James with Barty and Evan flanking either side of him.

“What are you doing?” Regulus demanded.

“Oh hi Regulus !” James greeted like it was the most normal thing ever, “Just wanted to check in on you.”

A couple of the Slytherins looked towards them with questioning looks. In fact, Regulus glanced around, Every one was looking at them. Wondering the same thing, what is James Potter doing sitting at the Slytherin table? In all their history of sneaking around, not once had Regulus and James been seen together in public. At the most, they might exchange a few words when forced and at the very least be somewhat cordial to each other. So it was quite the spectacle to have James coming in to check up on Regulus .

“Leave.” Regulus closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Wild rumors had already started up yesterday, when James ran after him. He could already hear a couple of people snickering. He could definitely feel the eyes on him. Barty placed a comforting hand on Regulus' back.

“Regulus -” James started.

Evan cut him off coldly, “Leave, Potter. You aren't welcome here”

James frowned and his eyes jumped from Regulus to Evan then back to Regulus .

“Well there isn't exactly a rule that I can't be here…” James said slowly.

“I didn't say there was a rule now did I?” Evan snapped back.

James looked at Regulus with that kicked puppy look. The kind of look that pulled on Regulus ’s heart stings and made him want to do anything for James to smile again. Regulus swallowed, his mouth had gone dry.

“Are you okay Regulus ?” James asked.

Regulus walked past James, all the way to the end of the table, a place where he never sat, and sat down. Barty and Evan followed, but not without shooting dirty looks over their shoulders.

Barty and Evan started piling food onto their plates. Regulus watched, for once the ever present hunger that gnawed on the lining of his stomach wasn't there. Barty and Evan shared a look before Barty filled Regulus ’s plate for him.

* The fiber of your being and The shivers on your skin *

Regulus had taken up a little spot in a dark corner at the very back of the library. It had been his spot since his very first year. If you looked intense enough as Regulus often did, no one would approach you. That was just one of the benefits of the library.

Regulus flipped the page of his textbook. Somewhere in front of him there was a crinkle of a wrapper that caused Regulus to cringe. The other benefit was no food was allowed in the library. Barty and Evan couldn't hound him into eating while he was in here.

Regulus couldn't help but glance up to see who it was. A few tables in front of him sat Lily Evans, thankfully she was turned away from him, so all he could see was the back of her head. Even so he knew it was her. The only other person in the library and it just had to be her.

Regulus carefully closed the cover of his textbook even though he wanted nothing more than to slam it shut. He would slip out the door and not hex her. Even though that was also something he wanted nothing more than to do. Regulus was pureblood through and through after all. Control of oneself had been beaten into him from the moment he could walk.

The universe seemed to be against him because the moment he stood up Lily looked over her shoulder. Her face lit up when she saw him, straight into a bright smile that squinted the corners of her eyes.

Regulus glanced over his shoulder to check behind him. The only logical answer to her response was that someone she knew was behind him. There were only bookshelves. Regulus looked back and she was still smiling at him. She stood from her chair and walked over to him, she wasn't the type to shout across the library.
There wasn’t much Regulus could do as she slipped into the chair next to him, effectively trapping him in the corner. He couldn't even begin to imagine what she wanted with him. Did she know? How could she know?

“What do you want?” Regulus said. He kept his features impassive, his back straight, as he slipped his quill and papers into his bag.

“Just checking up on you,” Lily responded. Her eyes focused on Regulus ' hand. The wound that had been artificial had already healed.

“Wonderful.” Regulus said dryly. He slung his satchel across his shoulder and stood up. Lily stood up with him. The seconds fell by, every one of them making Regulus more uncomfortable and nervous. There are many things the heir of the Black family wasn't allowed to do. Associating with muggleborns was one of them.

Regulus knew they were standing close enough that some unknowing stranger might assume them friends, or at the very least friendly. They are neither.

“If that's all , then I’ll be going.” Regulus didn't wait for a response, he just side stepped her and squeezed by.

“James talks about you a lot. He’s worried.” Lily said from behind him.

Regulus ’s blood went cold. The part inside of him that he has tried so hard to smother wakes up again. It fights against the fiber of his bones and the wrapping of his flesh as he walks through the library.

James talks about him.

* Keep running up that hill my love *

Drowning himself in the lake doesn't sound like all that bad an idea, Regulus thought. If he was dead it certainly would make things easier. There'd be no expectations. There'd be no food. Most importantly there’d be no James. And no Lily.

Being dead seemed to be quite an appealing answer. Regulus seriously considered it as he sat at the lake. Then he poked his pinky into the icy cold water, and thought, maybe another day. A warmer day.

Besides, If he died Evan and Barty would probably perform some occult ritual to bring his spirit back. Regulus barely liked dealing with them in the living world, He couldn't imagine having to do it in the after life as well.

“Contemplating death are you?” A feminine voice said.

Regulus looked up as Pandora settled into the grass next to him.

“How’d you know?” Regulus asked, even though he knew it was an impossible question. Pandora just knew things sometimes. They all suspected she was a seer or at least part seer.

Pandora just gave him a sort of sad smile. She tilted her head to the left, a tilt at the lake. Her pale blonde hair slipped over her shoulder and fell back to frame her face.

“I’m just joking, I know you won't.”

Regulus scowled and picked at the blades of glass. It seemed he wasn't the only one who knew he was all bluffing. All bark no bite.

“Are you going to tell me what happened?” Pandora asked.

“Nothing happened.” Regulus sighed.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.