Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The name's Dipper Pines, if you're hearing this then you've somehow managed to work your way in to my inner monologue...

A man wearing a fedora and trench coat walked down the city street, wary of what might or might not be waiting for him in the shadows.

I'm a Paranormal Detective, and no, I don't mean 'Investigator'! A Paranormal Investigator investigates the paranormal to prove or disprove something paranormal, my work is much more personal than that.

He quickly turned down a dark alley bringing the collar of his trench coat up.

I deal in crimes, often mysteries,which usually have supernatural events involved. Sometimes it's a regular schmuck doing a crime to a paranormal being...

At the end of the alley he found a man repeatedly punching a leprechaun in the face. Behind these two sat a pot of gold on top of a dumpster, seemed like a pretty open and shut case, until a photo fell out of the leprechaun's pocket.

Of course...

Picking up the picture, he saw a normal woman and two children bound and gagged on a floor.

There have been cases where it's the other way around entirely.

He heaved a heavy sigh and tipped his fedora before entering the fray between the two of them.

I was assigned this job by the government itself, you tend to leave an impression when you show up an entire squadron at the age of twelve. So you can imagine their surprise when I came to them telling them this was what I wanted to do with my life.

Adjusting his trench coat he went back to his mode of transportation/housing. An RV.

I've known this was my calling ever since a certain summer at Gravity Falls...but that's a different story entirely.

Inside the RV was the same cluttered mess that always waited for him. He had always been a bit of a slob, the more things changed the more they seemed to stay the same.

Work is usually pretty hit and miss.

Dipper hung up his trench coat and stretched widely.

Somebody usually contacts the government about a crime involving the supernatural/paranormal and they in turn contact me through my personal laptop.

On a small footstool was said laptop, but it was covered in clutter and had a shirt on top of it. Yet despite this the screen was flashing green showing he had a new job. Throwing the shirt over his shoulder and brushing the clutter on to the floor he checked the message

So imagine my surprise when my next job would just so happen to take me back to Gravity Falls.

Dipper didn't get far past the town line before flashing lights and a siren told him to pull over.

It had been a long time since I returned to Gravity Falls. Even when I did visit I hadn't the time to check on everyone. Gotta wonder how everyone turned out.

Dipper rolled down the window and readied to pull out his badge to clear up whatever misunderstanding this was about. "License and registration ple...Dipper?"

The officer tipped his sunglasses forward to get a better look.

Looking up at the officer Dipper almost did a double take. "Robbie?!"

"Dude, it's been like so long!"

"You're a police officer now?"

"Don't sound too surprised there 'Squirt', I mean after all, who knows more about trouble than me?"

"Well I know no one knows more about muffin art anyways."

Robbie lowered his eyelids halfway but kept his smile. "Still got that sense of humor I see. What'd you end up doing?"

"Basically the same thing I was doing when I was twelve, only now I'm getting paid for it."

"Nice."

"How's the rest of the gang?"

"Wendy's running her dad's lumbermill, Thomson literally owns the movie theater now, Tambry is my wife now and runs the only cyber cafe in Gravity Falls."

"Congratulations man!"

"Thanks. It was her suggestion for me to be an officer of the law, especially since before it seemed like the town only had two police officers."

"Tell me about it. So why'd you pull me over?"

"You got a busted tail light."

"Really? I had no idea."

"I guess I can let you off with a warning then. The Lee and Nate running the only mechanic garage in town, get them to fix it and you're off the hook."

"Thanks Robbie. I'll get right on it."

"Okay, drive safe."

As Dipper started up his vehicle he couldn't help but think about how ironic life was.

Growing up is funny, seems like just yesterday I would have given anything to see that guy get a black eye. However, now it's like he's one of my oldest friends.

Dipper drove past a sign which read "WELCOME TO GRAVITY FALLS".

I should really check on the rest of the gang, it's been a long time after all.

Wendy Corduroy groaned in annoyance before shouting in to her megaphone. "MIKE!! IF ANYBODY KNOWS WHAT SLACKING OFF LOOKS LIKE IT'S ME!! I NEED THAT TREE CHOPPED UP BY THE END OF THE DAY OR IT'S YOUR ASS ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK!! BACK TO WORK!!!"

Running her father's lumber mill was pretty taxing sometimes, she longed for her simpler times like when she worked for the Mystery Shack.

"Hey Boss?"

Her employee Ben was right behind her. Anytime he spoke up to her it was usually about a problem which would set them behind schedule.

"YEAH, WHAT IS IT NOW?!" Wendy immediately felt embarrassed. Not only had she turned and shouted at this man in the face, but she did it with the megaphone. Turning it off, she blushed. "Sorry Ben. What is it now?"

"Sorry but some guy is here to see you. Says his name is Dipper?"

Her eyes shot open. "Well let him in, Dummy!!" She punched him in the arm for not bringing it up sooner.

"OW! Sorry Ma'am!"

As he walked off holding his arm, Wendy shouted in to her megaphone, "AND DON'T CALL ME 'MA'AM'!!! I'M NOT THAT OLD YET!!!"

She sighed and turned her attention to her megaphone. She needed to turn the dial down on this or she was going to make poor Ben deaf.

"Wow, you're starting to remind me of Grunkle Stan with all of that yelling."

There was only one person who could even dare to be that honest with her, especially when she was working. Looking up she saw the man she had not seen in literally a decade.

"Dipper!"

She couldn't help but be astounded, it was as if a completely different person was standing before her. He was no longer a scrawny kid with noodle arms, but he certainly was a tall drink of water.

"Hey Wendy. Been a long time."

She threw her arms around him in a hug. "Only ten years you stinkin pine needle!"

Dipper hugged back, but whatever crush he had on her when he was twelve was gone now. He was happy just to be her friend, and he had a feeling that it was mutual.

"It's good to see you, Wendy."

Yeah Wendy, I always was powerful sweet on her when I was twelve but I was too young for a fifteen year old girl. She could have ripped my heart to shreds but instead she just chose to remain my friend instead. I will always be grateful to her for that, even if it did hurt. If I felt the way about her now like I did back then I would be probably enjoying this hug a lot more, but this hug is just something shared between two friends. We both know this.

"So what are you doing here, Dweeb?" asked as she broke the hug.

"I'm actually here on business if you can believe it."

"Business?"

"Yeah." he dug out his badge from his trench coat and showed it to Wendy. Instead of having a picture of a bird looking through a magnifying glass, there was a picture of a bald eagle attacking Cthulu in the face. "I'm a detective dealing with crimes both supernatural and paranormal, sanctioned by the government. Basically I'm doing what we were doing back during my first summer here."

She handed it back to him and he added with a smirk. "But getting paid for it."

She punched him in the arm. "That's really great, dude! All I do now a days is run my dad's lumber mill."

"Someone has to do it. And you're doing better than some of the rest of the old gang."

"Wait, you mean...?"

"Yeah, I already met up with them."

"Prove it! Who is working where?"

"Well let's see. Tambry owns the town's only cyber cafe, she says her biggest problem is customer's spilling their coffee on the keyboards. Thomson is still in the movie theater business. I think the biggest surprise was Robbie being a cop!"

"Tell me about it!"

"And Lee and Nate are mechanics working on my RV."

"Good. So what brings you here?"

"Just thought I'd catch up a little, I also need some directions. There some new streets and buildings here which I don't recognize at all. It's almost like a completely different town!"

"Afraid I don't get out so much anymore Dipper. As soon as my work day is done all I want to do is go home and cool down. You should swing by the Mystery Shack, Soos has been all over this town with Melody."

He tipped his hat to her.

"I was going to go there next."

After getting the RV from Lee and Nate (it was a quick fix), Dipper set out for the Mystery Shack. It almost felt like he was coming home really.

Ah the old Mystery Shack, Grunkle Stan left it to Soos in his will, even though Soos was already the manager there. Yeah, we were all heartbroken when the old man passed, it hurt even more since his death had something to do with toxic waste poisoning...don't ask me. Great Uncle Ford could have fought for it if he really wanted to but it became a moot point when he got an offer to teach at his dream college.

Dipper pulled up to the Mystery Shack, parking his RV in front of the fallen off S from the sign. Coming out he shook his head at it affectionately.

"I hope this S never gets fixed."

One new thing which Soos was added was a ticket booth, which all in all was a smart idea...for a tourist trap. You pay to get in and have to pass the gift shop on your way out. Grunkle Stan would've been proud.

Walking up to the ticket-booth, Dipper found Melody acting as ticket taker.

"Hello Melody."

"Dipper? Oh my goodness! I haven't seen you since..."

"Your wedding. I know, I've been meaning to visit you and Soos more often but I keep getting busy. I'm actually here for Soos, you haven't seen the big lug around have you?"

Soos and Melody got married sometime around when I was eighteen. I was just barely able to catch the wedding but only had time to give them my blessings before I got called out for a big job.

"He's inside the gift shop working on his speech for the next tour group."

"Thanks." He tipped his hat to her and started to make his way towards it.

Seems like Soos has done a good job preserving the grounds keeping of the place, which means a lot of dirt and dust on the dirt roads.

Dipper knocked once before opening the door. Soos had his back to him but Dipper could see him wearing Stan's old fez, he also wore a suit like Stan but it was covered in question marks.

"How ya diddly doin Soos?"

The moment Soos turned around Dipper saw his eyes still had that twinkle of friendship which had the promise of good times ahead.

"Dipper! Dude, it is so great to see you!"

Wrapping Dipping in a bear hug he lifted Dipper off of the ground squeezing the air out of his lungs.

"Great to see you too buddy." Dipper wheezed.

Soos put him down and Dipper adjusted his trench coat. "You seem to be running the Shack well."

"You bet, Dude. My specialty is still creating mashed up creatures, like the Bulldog Frog, or as I have it labeled 'The Bull Frog'."

"Ha ha, same old Soos. Is that donation bowl I see next to the Spider-conda?"

"Yep, I'm trying to raise enough money for a memorial statue of Mr. Pines. The paper mache one I made only seems to scares kids, so I need a professional to make one for me. It only seems right since he's gone now and...well..." he walked over to the bowl and stared at it's empty contents. "I miss him."

Dipper placed a comforting hand on Soos's shoulder. "We all do Soos." Soos gave him a sad smile as he turned around. "And he would have been proud of the work you're doing here today."

"Thanks Dipper, that means a lot. Not everyone knew how great Mr. Pines was and...I just want them to see him like I did."

"They will Soos..." Dipper dug in to his pocket and pulled out all the loose change he had on him and dropped it in to the bowl. "It's just a matter of time."

"Thanks Dude, so what brings you by here today?"

"Aw geez, I almost forgot." Dipper laughed. "The town's changed so much I kind of need directions."

It was good to see Soos again, but I got a job to do which has been put off long enough. Wait too long and the client sends an email asking where I am, and as much as I hate that, my superiors hate it even more.

Stretching his neck up, Dipper finally spotted the penthouse on the top of the building. "Sigh. I barely recognize this town." Dipper looked at the height of the building and added with a bitter note. "If I can even call it a town anymore."

Perhaps I'm just being a little dramatic, viewing the town through rose colored glasses because of my childhood. Although if you ask me, a thirty story building only belongs in a city.

Stepping out of the elevator Dipper adjusted his hat. "Alright, nothing to be nervous about Dipper. Just another client, so whoever he or she might be that's how you should treat them."

He knocked once and was almost immediately answered by a female voice. "Come in." Inside he saw a very spacious and lush looking living room. The room itself seemed to be curved in a circle with window doors in the back leading out to the balcony. He saw a door on his right etched in to the wall.

Now sometimes the client turns out to be some kind of big shot, pays the government extra money to keep quiet about their identity until I can meet them face to face. It happens a little more often than I'd like.

However, he still didn't see the client anywhere.

"I'm in my office. It's the first door on your right." the voice called.

Dipper put up his collar as he walked to the door etched in the wall.

I knew this woman could have been anyone, for all I knew it could have been Lazy Susan waiting for me, but no. Deep down inside I think I recognized her voice. Out of all the doors in all of Gravity Falls I just had to walk in to her's.

In the room, behind her desk, dressed in a white business, was yet another person Dipper had not seen in ten years.

"Pacifica?"

"Dipper?"

Her hair was done up in a single braided ponytail which fell down the small of her back.

"Wow! It's great to see you again!"

"Great to see me? It's great to see you again!! I barely recognized you!"

Pacifica Northwest, a rich girl I used to know when I was twelve. At first I thought she was the worse but after helping her out with a haunting I learned she wasn't so bad. Her family was rich enough to buy the entire town on a whim and have enough change for the town over if they so choose. For a little while the family had lost a whole lot of money and had to sell their huge mansion just to preserve their family fortune. Back then she told me they had moved in to a very large regular house. Last time I saw her was when me and Mabel were going back home from Gravity Falls at the end of the summer, said she was going to bring honor to the Northwest name next time I saw her. Been a long time though, she certainly filled out kindly.

"I was about to say the same to you."

A small blush graced her face, barely even noticeable. She cleared her throat. "So what are you doing here?"

He flashed her his badge. "Government sent me."

"Wait! You're the expert they were talking about? They sent you? I'd scoff at the idea if it wasn't so perfect for the situation."

"Speaking of, what IS the situation? I'd love to sit down and catch up but as the saying goes 'Business before pleasure'."

"Of course. I contacted the government because someone...no, someTHING is stealing from my family's bank accounts. If it doesn't stop, we're all going to be penniless."

Chapter Text

"Now when you say 'something', how do you know it's not just some hacker trying to work the identity theft job?"

I know it sounds like a dumb question, she wouldn't have contacted me if it was, but being thorough is part of my job.

"Well for starters, it isn't a transfer of accounts, we'd know if it were. The numbers just dial down to zero and the money is gone forever."

"Uh-huh." Dipper had his hands folded in a pyramid, listening intently. "Go on!"

"And whenever it happens there's this huge power surge which affects almost everything. Surprisingly enough the computers remain fine just enough to show the numbers drop, and then there's this weird snickering which seems to follow just after."

"You mean evil laughter?"

It's usually evil laughter in these scenarios, a snicker just doesn't add up.

"I don't know if it's evil or not, but it is definitely more of a snicker."

"Okay," Dipper leaned back in his chair. "one last question." He tipped his fedora up and smiled at her. "What's the part you're not telling me?"

Another part of my job is tell when somebody is hiding something from me. It all comes with the detective training you see.

She stared at him stunned for a moment before sighing and hanging her head in defeat. "It's not just a robbery, there's also a chance that it's a kidnapping too. About a month ago, the family accountant went missing, the police are still looking for him but I'm really hoping the two aren't connected."

There could have been a hundred different reasons why she didn't want to open with that, but most likely, I'm going to have to say its because the situation scares her.

"Alright then," he stood up out of the chair. "I'll take the case, find out who's doing this to you and bring them to justice."

He held out his hand to her, she seemed to just stare at it for a moment before shaking it. "Deal!"

"Alright," he started to head for the door. "I should probably get in touch with Robbie, see what he's dug up so far."

Robbie was technically the local law enforcement, so I had an obligation to at least try to work with him.

"Right, we shouldn't keep him waiting!"

"What's this 'we' business, Princess?"

I don't like where this is going. The last thing I need is to be slowed down by a frantic heiress.

"This...whatever it is, is stealing my family's money right out of their pockets. My parents know only one way to live, Dipper. And for better or worse my parents are still my parents."

"Sorry, but I can't have the actual client tagging along on a case. You're staying here until I've solved the case."

"Yeah right, and I'm Buffy the Vampire Slayer! We're in this together, like it or not!"

"Oh no we're not! You're not tagging along and their is nothing you can say to convince me otherwise!"

Dipper grumbled angrily in the driver's seat of his RV as he adjusted the radio.

"I knew you would see reason!" Pacifica smirked in the passenger's seat.

Friggin curves! I supposed it would be fine so long as she stayed on her toes. I was also pretty glad she just went straight for the passenger seat. The last thing I need is some pretty dame seeing how much of a slob I am in my own RV.

Pulling up to the police station they were able to find Robbie almost ready to go inside. Dipper honked the horn a couple of times to get his attention as he parked the RV. It seemed to have worked since he waited for them to come out and greet him.

"Dipper...and Pacifica? What's going on here? Wait! Does this have anything to do with that disappearance case I'm working on?"

"Actually yes! We think we might have a clue on who might've taken him and we were hoping you could help us." Pacifica explained.

"Oh I don't think there will be any need for that. I practically have the case solved already!"

Like any man, Robbie has his pride too. However, with any luck the guy can see the light with the situation.

Dipper raised an eyebrow at him. "Really?"

"Oh yeah! I totally got this, don't need any help and..."

"Robbie, be honest. Lying to a government agent is a federal crime, you know."

"Sigh. The trail went cold when I saw signs of a struggle in the forest."

I should have known. The forest was supposed to have quieted down since I was twelve, but I suppose the creatures in there must still exist.

"I guess that's where we'll start. Now I can invite you along since this is technically your case too..."

"Depends. Is this going to involve more of your weird spooky stuff you always deal with?"

Despite what my history with him says, Robbie is no fool. He's well aware of his limits and weakness, magical stuff being one of his biggest.

"More than likely." answered Pacifica.

"Well then if it's okay with you, I'd think I would rather you just pull rank over me, Dipper. I'm not good at the paranormal stuff, my specialty is busting teenagers."

"Okay well we'll just...wait, teenagers?"

"Yeah. The one thing I've found more fun than causing trouble as a teenager is busting teenagers and taking them back to their parents."

Dipper and Pacifica gave Robbie the same confused stare.

"Tambry says this is most likely due to me not getting enough discipline as a teenager from my own parents."

"We'll just investigate on our own then, Robbie. Which way was the sign of the struggle?"

"It about a mile in from that direction." Robbie pointed at a forest entrance at the end of the block. "Good luck."

Dipper and Pacifica had gone in to the woods and found what they believe might have been the signs of a struggle Robbie was talking about. Dipper was standing on top of a fallen tree writing down notes for his report on a notepad while Pacifica stood in the dirt trying to make heads or tails out of the scuffled footprints.

"Hmm...I don't like it. The trail's been cold for too long. There's nothing here we can actually use." Dipper folded up his notepad and placed it in his trench coat pocket.

"Then shouldn't you pull out that weird old journal of yours?"

Dipper seemed to stare out in to space for a moment before giving a small laugh. "Oh yeah, those! Ha! Been a long time since I've flipped through Journal 3. I'm afraid all the journals got destroyed at the end of my first summer in Gravity Falls."

Yeah, I was sad to see all three go. What else can I say? It was an epic summer.

Pacifica might not have socialized often with Dipper when they were twelve but she did remember he always had his nose buried in that book.

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that."

"Don't be! I thumbed through that book so many times I practically had all it's pages memorized. What about you? Aren't you going to splash your money around to try and solve the problem or something?"

She knows I don't mean it, but it would be nice to know what she's been up to since I've seen her last.

Pacifica placed her hands on her hips, not appreciating the jab. "You know I'm not as rich as when we first met anymore. And I'll have you know that I've been making good on my promise! As the heiress of what is left of the Northwest Family Fortune I've been donating to all kinds of charities, opening parks left and right, and have even paid to have several shelters built!"

Dipper jumped off the tree and looked her in the eyes. "And how did 'Mommy and Daddy' feel about that?"

I always knew her parents were going to be an obstacle for her, but the question was how would she overcome them?

The smirk Pacifica gave him could have told him everything he needed to know, but she told him anyways. "Doesn't matter how they feel about it. Like it or not, bringing honor to Northwest family name has been good publicity. If anything we're even more well known now, we're being viewed as benevolent charity helpers the world over. There's nothing they can do about it, no matter how much they grind their teeth."

I could just picture Preston grinding his teeth at all the 'good press' she would get him. It's almost too perfect!

The impressed smile Dipper gave her caught her completely by surprise. "Oh my gosh, Pacifica!"

From the sound of his voice, Pacifica thought that maybe she stepped in something or perhaps some kind of weird bug jumped on to her suit.

"What?"

"You've grown up in to a total sweetheart!"

She blushed angrily at him. "Dipper!"

"What?! It's true!" he held up his hands playfully innocent.

It really is!

"Ugh!! Even after all these years you're still a total dork!!" she blushed angrily at him but Dipper couldn't help but laugh at her angry pout.

She was about to lay in to him when he suddenly held up his hand. "Quiet..." He listened to his surroundings quietly for a moment before grabbing Pacifica by the hand. "Something's coming! We have to hide!!"

Before she could react he pulled her behind a bush so they could hide.

The sound of many heavy footsteps could be heard as they got closer and closer.

"Hm...Something's familiar about these footsteps... what could it be?" he mused in nothing louder than a whisper.

I had no idea what was coming, but I suppose in retrospect I should have figured it out sooner.

"Is it that it sounds like there's more than one of them?" Pacifica asked with a little bit of edge.

Dipper furrowed his brows. "No. If anything that should make them easier to figure out. It has to be something that doesn't normally travel in groups...it's right on the tip of my tongue, I know it!"

They were heavy too be gnomes, and yet not heavy enough to be something like some of the dinosaurs that were sealed underground.

The footsteps were soon joined by sounds of conversation, whatever they were...they were close now. A rustling in the bushes to their right made them hold their breath in anticipation.

Marching through the bushes in groups of two were some creatures Dipper had honestly hoped would never cross his path again.

And that was when I saw them. A tribe of creatures I had completely washed my hands of.

"The manotaurs?!" Dipper rolled his eyes as he whispered furiously. "Of all the..."

This was not a new sight for Pacifica, but she didn't know there was so many of them.

"Dipper, why are there so many of them? I was under the impression there was only one or two of them."

"Oh no, there's a whole tribe of them. The ones that helped us during Weirdmageddon were probably their surviving scouts. I'm actually a little embarrassed to admit that when I was a kid I tried to get them to make me more like them. In the end they just turned out to be a disappointment."

I might not be the greatest physical specimen, but I pride myself on my intelligence. Intelligence this lot is well known for having an extreme lack of!

She stared at him incredulously. "How? How could you possibly want to be more like them?"

"I was a little insecure about my manliness when I was twelve. Long story short, I thought they could be a solution and I was wrong. However, they don't normally travel in large groups like this unless it's some kind of special occasion."

At the time, I thought they could have been great role models for me. Too bad they turned out to be a bunch of ruthless meat heads.

"Maybe they needed to hunt something together?" Pacifica offered.

Dipper had his doubts on her theory, manotaurs were some of the strongest and roughest creatures in the forest. There weren't many things out there that could give them a hard time.

"What could they possibly need this much muscle for?"

As two manotaurs walked by carrying a cage on a single pole, Dipper got his answer. Inside the strung up cage, Dipper saw yet another face from his past.

Then it hit me like a freight train. There was only one creature powerful enough for the manotaurs to consider them a life long enemy. The multi-bear.

"Oh no..."

The gravity of the situation settled in on Dipper while Pacifica was still confused about it.

"Dipper, why are they making off with him like that? I thought they were friends on some level!" Pacifica whispered.

Her question fell on deaf ears as Dipper could only stare helplessly at them as they walked off with his captured friend.

"When I was kid, they considered him an enemy...I thought they would've buried the hatchet after Bill. I don't know why they're pulling this now... I just know our old friend is in some serious trouble." he said quietly.

Trouble indeed. Last time I checked he was usually pretty good about staying in his cave.

The numbness of his voice seemed to speak volumes about the situation. Pacifica looked back and forth between the retreating manotaurs and Dipper before sighing in defeat.

"Alright then, we'd better go rescue him."

Dipper turned his attention to her in surprise. "Really? You're fine with this? You do know this means we'll have to put the case on hold, right?"

"Yeah, but he needs help now, right? I remember he used to be pretty nice to everyone. Besides, the sooner we rescue him the sooner we can get back to the case. Who knows, maybe he's seen something."

As Pacifica walked in the same direction of the manotaurs, Dipper couldn't help but give an impressed smile at her.

"Whatever you say, Sweetheart."

"...What'd you just call me?"

Dipper and Pacifica stared at the entrance to the manotaur's cave currently being guarded by two manotaurs. From behind their fallen log they could view the entrance at the bottom of the hill perfectly.

"Okay Dipper, what's the plan? Do we sneak in or what?"

"Nah, there's too many of them to try and sneak in, we'd be spotted for sure. A full frontal assault would be suicide and there's no way how we can smoke them out. I'm afraid there's only one way in."

"What's that?"

"We have to be invited. Luckily for us, I've gotten them to invite me in the past. I just hope they don't mind a woman in their Mancave."

"What's that's supposed to mean?! Wait! It's not really called that...is it? Dipper?"

As Dipper walked down to the guards Pacifica's jaw dropped.

The manotaurs may have turned out to be bad people once, but it was still their own decision to help me man up when they did. For at least hearing me out I supposed I owed them a second chance. And since some of them helped out turning the Mystery Shack in to a robot, I was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. I knew it crazy, but maybe in the ten years I've been away they could have found a way to find more compassion.

"Hello Chutzpar, long time no see." Dipper greeted one of the guards.

"A human?! We know not what you were thinking in coming here but..."

"Oh put the fist nipples away, Testosteraur. I'm not here to cause trouble."

The manotaurs exchanged a confused glance. "How do you know us human?"

"Aw, you don't recognize me? That's a shame." Dipper said with mock hurtfulness.

Whatever kick Dipper was getting out of this guessing game immediately died when Pacifica came tumbling down the hill. She stared up at him impatiently from the ground.

Talk about bad timing. I was hoping to slowly ease them in to the idea of letting us both in, but I guess it's all or nothing now.

"Uh a little help here, Dipper?" Pacifica sneered as she offered her hand to let him help her up.

"Dipper?" Chutzpar echoed. "Wait!! Destructor?! Is that you?! Then that would make this blonde female Pacifica!"

I've grown to hate that nickname! It makes me sound so childish, I wish I just went with plain Dipper back then. At least then I would be feeling so self conscious of my pretty client right now.

As Dipper helped Pacifica up he sent the manotaur an annoyed glare. He quickly put up the collar of his trench coat in embarrassment.

"Don't call me that, man!" Dipper whispered angrily through gritted teeth.

"What are you doing here, human? And why bring a...'woman' to our mancave?!" Testosteraur seethed.

"What was that?!" Pacifica snapped.

I could already tell that if I didn't start playing peace keeper now there was going to be battle of the sexes....and species!

"My 'colleague' and I are investigating a case, and we believe your prisoner may have been a key witness." Dipper said with a wink to Pacifica.

"Destructor..."

"Dipper! Call me Dipper, Chutzpar!"

"Fine...Dipper...we still can't let you in. When you turned your back on us, you turned your back on any and all privileges that may have come with completing the final task."

"Aw come on, for not even for old time's sake? Grunkle Stan let you in to the Mystery Shack."

"He said 'NO'!!" roared Testosteraur. "Now leave with your woman or we will CRUSH YOU!!!"

Dipper's hat was almost flown off from the sheer force of the manotaur's voice. He wiped a drop of spit off of his face before giving them an icy stare, there was something about it which unnerved Pacifica. There was some dangerous intent in it which gave her chills.

I was hoping to play it cool but I guess some people just want to play hardball.

"I see how it is." Dipper said in a monotone voice. "I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this, but now I see there is little choice. You will take me to see Leaderaur or else I shall expose your entire race."

"You wouldn't!" gasped Chutzpar.

"Oh no? Think again! I am technically a government agent now, if I wanted to I could order in a strike squad and have everyone in that cave taken in and caged for scientific study!"

Dipper flashed them his badge to show he wasn't making it up.

"But...But Dipper..." Chutzpar stuttered.

"You're lying!" accused Testosteraur.

"I could be...but that's not the question here. The question you need to ask here is if can you take that chance...I think we all know the answer here."

"Enough!!" Chutzpar thundered. "I will take you and your mate Pacifica to see Leaderaur. Follow me."

"She's not my...oh never mind! Lead the way."

Dipper and Pacifica followed the manotaur in, Dipper noticed Pacifica kept staring at him. Almost as if she was worried or sad about him.

"Something on your mind, Sweetheart?"

She blushed at the reused nickname but ultimately ignored it. "Did you really mean what you said to him? About turning them in so the government could turn them in to lab rats?"

"No. Of course not." he whispered to her. "That was just a bluff. However, it was a convincing bluff that worked. And right now that's all that matters. Any other questions?"

Even if I did call in a strike squad, these guys are so tough that it might not be worth all the effort. Even if we won, there would have been so much noise from the calamity that there would be no way civilians wouldn't notice it. Besides, manotaurs are pretty straight forward. There's not a lot of mystery there.

Pacifica smiled. It was nice to know that Dipper wouldn't actually do something as heartless as his bluff. He scared her a little bit back there, he was a very convincing actor.

"Well now that I know you're not as dark you were leading them to believe...I do have one." she said smirking.

"Fire away."

"'Destructor'?"

And just like that I'm an awkward twelve year old again. Good thing Mabel aint here.

Now it was Dipper's turn to blush. "I-I I was twelve, okay?! Now come on, we're starting to lag behind!"

"Whatever you say 'Destructor'."

"Just-Just stay close okay?!"

"Why? Are there 'booby traps'?" Pacifica asked the question in a mocking manner but a back part of her brain had seriously considered the possibility.

"No. However, it is likely something gross could fall on you."

Pacifica decided to ultimately walk a little closer to Dipper.

Of course it wouldn't have been anything from the roof or something like that, but manotaurs are well known for being sweaty and not exactly shy on it either.

Not even a minute in and Pacifica had already decided that she did not like the 'mancave'. It was dirty, humid, and everything smelled. She couldn't understand how Dipper wasn't grossed out, it seemed Pacifica would shiver in repulsion with every step.

Eventually they came to a large room filled with manotaurs but there was one manotaur on a throne which easily dwarfed all the others. In the corner of the room they saw the multi headed bear still in it's cage sitting on the ground. Every manotaur seemed to be giving them the evil eye, especially Pacifica. Dipper was so relaxed about the chilling environment it only made the tension worse for Pacifica.

If anything there seemed to be even more of them now. However, I saw the ones I knew recognized me almost instantly. I figured that maybe if I could dig up whatever feelings of brotherhood we used to have then maybe they could be reasoned with. Hopefully Weirdmageddon taught them enough sense to bury past grievances.

"Pubertaur, good to see you! Pituitaur, looking good!" Dipper greeted the manotaurs as they walked past.

"You know them by name? I just know Chutzpar and Pituitaur." Pacifica asked.

"More or less. Just watch out for Clark."

"Which one's Clark?"

"He's the one with the growth on his face, and it was pretty big when I last saw it. And that was when I was twelve."

If Clark did still have his growth I would imagine it to be bigger than his head by now.

Chutzpar lead them to the middle of the room where he knelt down in front of the giant manotaur. "Leaderaur! Dipper the Destructor..."

"Seriously, stop calling me that!"

Pacifica suppressed a small chuckle at Dipper's actions.

(A/N: Okay something to know right now. Multi-Bear's only known name is actually Multi-Bear, which is also his species. So from here on out that is why you will be seeing a constant switch in the first letters of his name. They will be upper cased when referring to him as WHO he is but lower case when referring to WHAT he is. It's actually a lot of trouble, try not to be too harsh on me about it please.)

"Has returned..." Chutzpar continued. "Asking for the release of the multi-bear. He brings a woman who we found common refuge with during Bill's attack. We bring them before you for they carry with them a threat of exposure to our kind."

Leaderaur stood up and twin streams of fire shot forth from his nostrils.

To me this just seems like unnecessary flare, but Pacifica, she's seeing this all for the first time. I could only guess what's going on in her head when she's sees something like this.

"Destructor!" Leaderaur bellowed.

"Dipper!" he corrected.

"Dipper the Desctructor!!" snorted Leaderaur.

Dipper sighed and rolled his eyes. "It's like talking to a brick wall!"

A brick wall that snorts fire, but...

"Not only do you return after turning your back on us after refusing to do the final man task..."

"Final task?" Pacifica echoed while looking at Dipper. The subject of Dipper and a final manotaur task popping up again had captured Pacifica's curiosity. 'What was it they wanted him to do that was so important?' Pacifica thought.

"You also have the gall to demand the release of our most hated enemy WITH the threat of exposing us AND YOU DARE TO BRING A WOMAN TO THE MANCAVE!!"

Leaderaur snorted fire once more but Dipper was undeterred.

"The only reason we have not CRUSHED YOU WHERE YOU STAND is in remembrance of the other forty-nine man tasks you completed! Along with Chutzpar's story of the great battle against the evil triangle Bill, you have earned leniency with us but by coming to us with a woman you have abused it!! Leave now or else you shall face a fate even WORSE than the fate of the multi-bear!!!"

Once again Leaderaur snorted fire through his nose but this time it almost got Dipper's hat. He turned and started to walk back to his throne.

Just as stubborn as always. Since I couldn't appeal to his sense of brotherhood I decided maybe I could appeal to his sense of challenge.

"That's how we're going to play this huh? Alright then, how about a bet?"

Leaderaur stopped and while he didn't turn around he did turn his head back to Dipper. "What 'kind' of bet?"

"A fight. One on one. Just you and me."

Every manotaur in the room, including Leaderaur, threw their heads back in roaring laughter. Dipper remained silent as he politely waited for their laughter to die down.

"I'm serious. If I win we walk out of here with the multi-bear and you have to leave him alone."

Leaderaur turned around to bend down to Dipper's eye level. "And if I win?!"

"You get my RV."

This raised an eyebrow from the giant manotaur.

I knew this wasn't going to be enough to entice any of them. I doubted either of them could even fit in the thing. So the best thing to do, is sweeten the deal.

"And all the delicious jerky inside."

Leaderaur stood up and rubbed his chin in thought while the others murmured with each other on talk of jerky.

When in doubt, use jerky.

"I'll even sweeten the deal. If I can't beat you in three moves, I lose."

"Very well. Since you are only a mere human, I shall agree to these terms!"

Leaderaur inhaled deeply, most likely to snort more fire at him. Pacifica started to panic, they were both in the line of fire and had no time to get out of the way.

*PLOOT!**PLOOT!**PLOOT!*

Pacifica could only stare in amazement as Leaderaur writhed on his back holding his throat, desperately trying to breathe. She looked to Dipper who was holding a weird gun of some kind. It actually reminded her of a water gun in a way, there was a canister under the barrel filled with some kind of weird green glowing liquid, however there was also a number of odd white coverings on it (A/N: Think of the portal gun from Portals 2), and at the bottom of the handle there was a strange dial.

He spun it around on his finger once before holding it up for her to see. "Courtesy of McGucket Labs."

This gun was actually a gift from Old Man McGucket in his final days. I was eighteen and just starting out on the job, he knew his days were numbered and decided to make sure I was best prepared for my path ahead.

Leaderaur continued to struggle on the ground but now his head was facing them. Pacifica could now see that Leaderaur had something in his mouth, whatever it was it was so big that it was keeping his mouth open. It was round and there didn't seem to be any openings in it for air to get in, it seemed to be the same shade of green as the liquid in the canister under Dipper's gun yet was not glowing.

That was when she noticed there was two more of them sticking out of the Manotaur's nostrils. Leaderaur was suffocating!

"Do you forfeit!!" Dipper called to him. "That's all you have to do to get me to save you!!"

Instead of nodding 'yes' or shaking 'no', Leaderaur's nostrils just seemed to flare for a moment.

"It's flame retardant. Just swallow your pride, forfeit and I promise you I won't let you pass out."

A small little nod from him was all the confirmation Dipper needed. Putting the gun in it's holster by his waist, he reached in to his left trench coat pocket and pulled out a dagger.

"Wait!" Pacifica chimed in. "That doesn't look like it's made of metal. What kind of dagger is that?"

Dipper smirked at her question. "Oh this old thing? It's nothing special, you know, just a Dinosaur Fang!" her amazed expression only made his smirk get bigger. "I even got Mabel to glue a plastic handle to it." He flipped it on to it's blade and flicked the handle.

Mabel is currently living in a small town, running a crafts store with Candy and Grenda. We still stay in touch but she doesn't like how I usually work alone now.

He walked over to the leader of the manotaurs and stabbed the green sphere in his mouth. Now that the dagger had penetrated the blob, he continued to push it until he was up to his shoulder inside. He finally pierced the other side and air came rushing in to the monster's mouth.

It seemed as though now that there was a hole in it, the blob was much easier to remove, almost as if it lost it's ability to stick. He did the same to the other two and soon Leaderaur was able to breathe once more.

The other manotaurs helped their chieftain up as he caught his breath.

"So three moves, three shots. Same thing, right? So now that you've lost fair and square..."

The glare they all sent him gave Pacifica chills. Even Dipper seemed surprised at the hostility they were showing.

"No!! It wasn't fair and square!!" Leaderaur snarled.

"What?" Dipper asked with a realization of fear in his voice.

"Three shots and three moves ARE two different things!!" continued Leaderaur. "You cheated!!!"

"What?!" miffed Dipper.

Leaderaur pointed at the two humans and thundered "CRUSH THEM!!!"

I swear the more things change the more they stay the same.

Pacifica took one step backwards before Dipper pulled out his gun. He turned the dial on the bottom of the handle and moved the barrel up so it was vertical with the handle. It locked itself in place and moved the odd white coverings so they acted as a guard at the end of the handle. The trigger itself was folded in to a slot in the handle, completely out of the way. Finally, the hole from the gun was widened by a great length where a long green glowing tendril snaked out. It looked to be about sixteen feet, thinning as it reached it's end.

Dipper swung it so the tendril would crack on the ground like a whip. "ALL OF YOU BACK!!"

Dipper cracked his whip on the ground a second time making the manotaurs flinch. "I wanted to give you guys a second chance! When I was twelve, you cared about my problems and tried to help me with them! We went different paths, but for the sake of that time I tried to give you all one more chance to prove you weren't the pigheaded stubborn jerks I thought you were...but nothing's changed! I thought because of the help two of you gave us in assembling a giant robot maybe you could swallow your prides. I see now I was wrong!"

Dipper was keeping them back with his whip lashing but it wasn't going to keep them away forever. "My Grunkle Stan was more of a man than any of you could ever be! He was tough on me but it ended up hardening me for situations like this! And even though he's gone now..." Pacifica saw Dipper reach behind his trench coat in to a pocket she hadn't noticed before. "He did teach me one thing!" He pulled out a silver glass ball and held it high over his head. "And that's how to make an exit! NON-SPECIFIC EXCUSE!!!"

Dipper smashed the ball on the ground and in a blinding bright flash, he and Pacifica had disappeared. The manotaurs muttered among themselves in confusion while their leader grind his teeth.

"FIND THEM!!!" he roared. "SEARCH THE REST OF THE CAVE!!! THEY CAN NOT HAVE GOTTEN FAR!!!"

All the manotaurs charged down the tunnel ways in the back of the room. Even Leaderaur turned to go down a giant tunnel behind his throne, only looking over his shoulder once at the room. However, he didn't seem to see anything so he left.

Had he only looked higher he would have seen Dipper and Pacifica hanging from a stalactite with his whip. Dipper was holding Pacifica with his free hand by her waist which they were both blushing about. Pressing a hidden button the whip, they were lowered slowly to the ground.

Good thing sore losers never think to look up.

On their feet, Dipper let go of Pacifica who seemed to stumble around a bit.

"Sorry for the sudden flash and grab. I'll warn you next time."

"If I wasn't seeing so many spots, I'd slap you across the face right now!" she snapped.

"Yeah that should pass. You stay here and regain your sight, I'm going to go free the 'prisoner'."

He walked over to the cage giving it's prisoner a friendly grin. "Hey there big fella, remember me?"

The top head smiled back. "I could never forget my fellow Babba fan."

Dipper gave a small laugh. "Yeah, sorry for not rescuing you sooner. I thought maybe the manotaurs could have changed in ten years, realize what's really important you know?"

"You wanted to have faith in them, and while there is nothing wrong with that, I am afraid that there some out there who just refuse to grow." One of his head leaned to the right and spotted Pacifica. "Is that dizzy looking young woman who I think?"

"Just an old friend who wanted to grow. Pacifica Northwest." Dipper said with a smile as he examined the wooden lock on the cage. "I think it's time for your pardon." Dipper reached in to his right trench coat pocket and pulled out an old timey key. "Quentin Trembley's President's Key, if it's a lock and in America then this key can open it." And just like he said, the lock opened with it.

This key has actually come in more handy than any other tool in my arsenal. It can even open electronic locks...somehow.

Stepping out of the cage he started sniffing the air. "Wait...I know this scent. This is a scent...OF A NORTHWEST!!!"

Suddenly the image of a Northwest painting of a man standing on top of a pile of animal pelts flashed in Dipper's mind. "Wait!! Multi-Bear!!! She..."

Dipper threw out his arm in desperation to stop the bear's charge but it was too late. Pacifica turned around just in time before to see the beast coming.

Time seemed to stand still for a moment, there was no escape, there was no rescue. Dipper could only stand frozen in shock, helpless at scene before him.

Pacifica...was being hugged by the multi-bear. "I love the Northwests! Weirdmageddon had sent all types of weird scents in to the air so I had no idea back then you were a member of the family of one of the greatest men I have ever know."

"What?" were the only words that were capable of escaping Dipper's mouth.

I have seen a lot of things in my time, but this one in front of me? Left me speechless.

"Yeah, I'd like to repeat that..." Pacifica wheezed. "What?"

As the bear placed her on the ground he seemed almost embarrassed. "Well it is true that I only met Nathaniel Northwest once before but..."

"Wait! Nathaniel Northwest?" Pacifica repeated. "The one who shoveled manure?!"

"True, he did not smell very pleasant..." Multi-Bear admitted. "However, he was always good company. He worked very hard to provide a life for his wife and seven children."

"Seven children? Really?"

"Yes, Dipper. Although I do not think they were very appreciative of his reputation with the town."

Made sense I supposed. The guy never asked to be labeled the town founder by the government, from what I could remember of his real picture he actually seemed happy with his job.

'The Northwests must have started going south with those children. I know I wouldn't want anyone to know I came from a man who's sole job was shoveling manure.' thought Pacifica.

"I only met him when I was a cub, he saved me from a hunter's trap and despite my freakish appearance he decided to spar me, however, he knew the villagers would most likely kill me out fear of my appearance. He advised me to head northwest in to the mountains where I eventually made my home."

"Well not that this history lesson isn't riveting but I think we need to get out of here before they come back." announced Dipper.

"So back through the entrance then?" asked Pacifica.

Dipper shook his head. "We were able to go in through the main entrance because we were being escorted. Now that they're all acting like a bunch of sore losers there's probably a trap or ambush waiting for us. No. We're going to have to make an exit."

"Make an exit? How?"

"Simple Sweetheart, you leave that to me."

All of the multi-bear's heads seemed to look at Pacifica. "Why does he calls you Swee..."

"I don't know!" Pacifica snapped.

Dipper pulled out his gun for a third time and adjusted the dial once again. He moved the white coverings forward and aimed the gun at the wall. As soon as he pulled the trigger a red laser beam shot out of the gun hitting the wall. He started to move the steady beam up the wall, treating it as if it were a blow torch.

Pacifica watched Dipper in fascination as he worked but something still itched in the back of her mind. "Hey, Multi-Bear. Would you mind answering me a question?"

"After sharing a shelter with you from Bill's magic? Not at all."

"The manotaurs kept mentioning a final task Dipper had to do, I get that you had something to do with it, but what was it?"

"They wanted him to kill me." he said with a smile.

"They wanted Dipper to kill you?!"

"Decapitate me, technically. I am considered an enemy of the manotaurs, my death would have made him a permanent member of their tribe. Even though he was young, he still managed to best me and could have killed me. Instead he chose to spare me after learning a little about myself, this decision was probably like a slap to the face for the manotaurs. I know he may seem a little..." the bear paused for a moment in search of the correct word. "Hard. However, he still has that kindness inside of him, I see it."

Pacifica brushed some hair behind her ear. "I think I'm starting to see it too."

*THOOM!!*

"Okay, hole's in everyone. With the way the manotaurs like crashing around, I doubt they'll even notice it." Dipper announced.

Pacifica looked at Dipper's handy work, instead of blasting a hole he had cut one out big enough for all three of them. Her eyes went to his gun where steam seemed to be rising out of the barrel hole. "I gotta say, that laser seems pretty cool."

"Thanks, but it's not without it's drawbacks."

Something seemed to eject out of the back, Dipper let it hit the floor. Whatever it was, it was burned black and smoking like a burnt piece of wood.

"Like for example; it uses up an entire battery. Not to mention I can only use it as a steady beam instead of a single shot."

"Wait..." Pacifica squinted her eyes at the smoking heap on the floor. "Is that a cell phone battery?"

"No!" Dipper retorted. "It is not a cell phone battery!"

There was a quiet pause before Dipper pulled his collar up to hide his face. "Anymore..."

The process for making my gun's battery actually DOES start out with a cell phone battery...but she doesn't need to know that right now.

He avoided eye contact with her as they followed the multi-bear out in to the woods. A couple steps out and the multiple headed bear nearly stumbled, that was when Dipper first took real notice of his old friend. His fur seemed faded, his noses seemed so dry the skin was cracking, he still had his eye patch but it looked like it had seen some better days, and last but not least, save for the main head the other heads seemed exhausted.

"Multi-Bear, are you okay?"

"Yes, Dipper. I have just been running from the manotaurs for a while now. I am just dehydrated, it has been some time since I have had water."

"Well then," Pacifica started. "Let's see if we can find you a river or something."

As Pacifica took the lead, their friend noticed Dipper watching her walk and gave him a playful little jab.

That attitude? With those curves? Well...They could attract the distraction any man.

"I like your choice in human females, Dipper."

Dipper laughed nervously. "Shut up, man. She's just a friend."

Dipper tipped his hat to hide his blush as he quickened his pace to catch up with the heiress.

"I bet she is..." a mischievous grin crossed the bear's face. "For now..."

It didn't take them long to find a river, the water ran clear and deep, several large rocks poked through the surface of the water across its width.

"This will do nicely." the multi-bear said.

The multi-bear leaned over the river as he tried to make sure each of his heads got a drink. Dipper couldn't but stare as his friend tried to stretch half his body over when a gust of wind suddenly blew off Dipper's fedora.

"My hat!"

"I got it!"

And just like that she was off. Like a butterfly in to the sunset or a deer leaping across a grassy field.

Pacifica gave a toe loop jump in to the air, catching Dipper's hat before landing gracefully on a river stone. With only one foot on the stone and the other in the air she spun on her toes before leaping back on to dry land.

Dipper's jaw dropped as she walked over and handed him his fedora. "Try to keep a better grip on it."

A quick nudge from the wet bear snapped Dipper out of his stupor. The bear faced smirks didn't exactly help his embarrassment from staring.

"Wait! Pacifica! What was that?! Where did you learn that?"

It was her turn to smirk. "When I was thirteen my parents and I came to a compromise. Ballet. I did eventually stop taking lessons but I never did stop practicing."

"As a form of exercise?"

"More like a hobby."

An impressed smile started to grow on Dipper's face. "That is actually...pretty awesome!"

Pacifica gave a little mock curtsy to him making him chuckle.

An echoing chuckle behind him alerted him that the magical creature had finished his drink. He was already starting to look better much.

"Well Multi-Bear, I think now would be as good of a time to bring this up as any. The manotaurs technically kidnapped you, do you want to press charges?"

"I...do not understand, Dipper." Multi-Bear cocked his speaking head to the side. "Neither I nor the manotaurs follow the laws of man and..."

"Yes well, when the government found out magical creatures and the like actually existed some rules were changed. Now anyone who is an American citizen can press charges, the definition for that which has also changed."

It was true, it put the government in an awkward situation which they weren't sure how to handle.

"How so?" asked Multi-Bear.

"Let me put it to you this way. Are you sentient?"

"Yes."

"Are you capable of discerning right from wrong?"

"Yes."

"Were you born in America?"

"Yes."

"Then congratulations, you're an American citizen."

Pacifica gave a small laugh at Dipper simplistic explanation.

"No, I do not wish to cause you the trouble it would entail. The manotaurs and I shall sadly be forever enemies, the only reason they were able to capture me was because I was chased from my home."

I think the real reason why he turned my offer down is because he knew the manotaurs wouldn't go down without a fight. And who knows how much damage that would cause. However, there was still one question that needed to be answered...

"What could possibly chase you out?" asked Pacifica.

"Lightning Goblins."

"Lightning Goblins? I don't think I've ever come across something like those, in my adventures or any of the old journals. What are they?" Dipper asked.

"They are small, annoying little gremlins said to be born from a lightning storm! Because of this, they each have their own electrical charge. Perhaps this is why they seem to have an affinity with conductive metals. They may not be all that powerful on their own, but together they are quite formidable."

"They'd have to be to chase you out. What's the story with that, anyways?" Dipper asked.

"They came without warning. I know not why they wanted my cave but it was clear they didn't want me in it! I did my best to defend my home but eventually I was overpowered and chased out."

"Hmm..." Dipper hummed. "Pretty simplistic...any clue as to why?"

"It could be possible they wanted my cave for the shelter it provided, despite being born from a storm they don't like water."

Dipper pulled out a notepad and started to write on it. "Possible...but I doubt that's all there is to it. Is there anything else you can remember? Anything at all, even the tiniest tidbit could be crucial."

I had to write this down for a number of reasons. One; paperwork, it was always important to document everything. Two; a creature that wasn't in the journals? How could I resist? And three; there was no way we wouldn't be crossing paths with them so every bit information was going to help.

"Well...they did seem to be dragging something."

"Dragging something?" echoed Pacifica.

"Yes. In a large sack! I didn't have time to tell what it was but whatever it was, it was moving."

Dipper stopped writing and shared a look with Pacifica.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"It's definitely worth checking out, Sweetheart." Dipper turned to the Multi-Bear. "You stay here and rest, we'll handle things from here."

I knew Multi-Bear's pride must have been hurt here a little, relying on somebody else to get your home back, but he's smart enough to know when to turn the battle over to someone better suited. Pacifica and myself had the same conclusion, the person in the sack had to be her accountant. We knew it couldn't be a coincidence, but we could have never guessed the dangers waiting for us.

Omake

A couple of teenagers were spray painting an alley wall when suddenly Robbie jumped out of a nearby dumpster grinning like a maniac. "AHA!! BUSTED"

Hello, world, here's a song that we're singin',

Robbie drove through town happily in his police car with the disgruntled teenagers in the back.

c'mon get happy

One by one he presented them to their parents on their doorstep while grinning like a maniac.

A whole lotta lovin' is what we'll be bringin',

Watching the teenagers get chewed out by their parents, Robbie gave a content sigh before driving home.

we'll make you happy

Robbie came in to his living room to find his pregnant wife watching tv.

"Hey Honey, how was your day?" Tambry asked.

"Oh you know..." he smiled contently. "Same old, same old."

Chapter Text

Eventually, Pacifica and I arrived at Multi-Bear's cave. It took a little longer than I remembered, it was already starting to get dark. The hike up here was nothing new for me, but Pacifica? Let's just say the woman was out of her element.

Dipper seemed relatively untouched by the journey while Pacifica seemed worse for wear. Her outfit was in tatters, there was mud on her face, and her high heels? Gone. Completely gone. Dipper was about to offer to carry her or something when out of her purse she took out tennis shoes. When asked why she would have such things on her person she would merely reply that she was a very busy woman.

I had no idea how long she has had the purse with her. Did she take in to the RV? Why didn't I noticed it before?

The journey was still rough though, hiking up a mountain was not an activity a fashionista heiress was used to. And tennis shoes, while a step above from heels, did not help her tread. She nearly tripped several times but Dipper caught her every time.

She did her best not to complain and take everything in stride. "Please tell me this is his cave! Any farther up this mountain and my feet are going to bleed!" She was, however, still only human.

"No need to worry about your tootsies, Tootsy. We're here."

I knew I was getting a little bold with the nicknames, but for some reason I couldn't stop myself. I will admit though, I had yet to hear her really complain about it. However, there was a time for teasing and there's a time for business.

"Why are there so many bones all over the place?" asked Pacifica.

"A Multi-Bear has got to eat." Dipper explained.

"Ugh!" Pacifica flinched.

"Ha! Ha! Ha! I've forgotten how much I've missed it when you make that face!" laughed Dipper.

"What face?!"

"That face! The face you're making right now!"

"This is just my face!!" snapped Pacifica.

"No, not your normal face! The other face!"

"What? I only have one face, Dipper!"

Dipper couldn't help but laugh at the situation. She had no way to know what he was talking about so he knew he should probably just let it go now.

"You know what? It's not important. Now stay close, all seems quiet but that's exactly why you need to stay close."

I've always hated the quiet. Especially in wild forests like the one this cave is in, when there isn't noise it's usually because they don't want to call the attention of something. However, even outside the forest my job experience has taught me not to trust the silence. Usually, it means somebody is waiting; that was the name of the game too, waiting to see who slips up first and makes a sound to announce to the other they were here.

He kept his hand on his gun as he and Pacifica went deeper in to the cave. Squinting his eyes, he saw something in the dark at the back of the cave.

"Stay here, I think I see something but it might be a trap." instructed Dipper.

Dipper made sure to be extra quiet as he sneaked over. He made it all the way to the back without a single sound, taking a chance, he reached in to his inner left trench coat pocket and pulled out a flashlight. He shined it on his surrounding area first, it seemed he and Pacifica were the only ones in the cave. Feeling a little more secure he shined it on the object in question.

Picking it up, there was no doubt, it was a sack. Large enough for a person to fit in, it had to be the one the Lightning Goblins used.

He walked back to Pacifica. "Sweetheart, I think I found that sack the Lightning Goblins were using."

"How long are you going to keep calling me 'Sweetheart'?"

"If it bothers you, just ask me to stop and I'll stop!"

Pacifica opened her mouth while holding up her finger to make her point...and yet not words came out. She tried to find the correct words to emphasize her point but instead she found herself clamoring aimlessly, opening and closing her mouth like a fish.

"You know what? Never mind. Take a look at this!" Dipper instructed.

He handed it to her making sure she was taking a good look at it. "It's a sack."

"Yeah, big enough to fit a person don't ya think?"

"Wait! I think I see something in it!" She reached her arm in it and started feeling around inside it. "Aha! Found it!" She pulled out a purple pen with a golden N on it.

"What is that?"

"This is a Northwest Family Pen, we only give them out to our most trusted employees."

"Like your missing accountant."

"Exactly!"

"Okay, hold on to that! That's evidence! Now the sack was found here but our perps aren't anywhere to be seen so they've probably got some kind of secret entrance or something." He pulled out a second flashlight and handed it to her. "Take this and see if you can find anything out of the ordinary."

"Exactly how many pockets do you have?" Pacifica asked. She had to know, it was as if every turning point they encountered was an opportunity for him to use another hidden pocket.

He seemed to stare out in to space for a moment before turning back to her with a smile. "I have a total of eight!"

I could understand her feelings about this. I have a lot of tools so I need a lot of pockets to carry them. I got the two front pockets, a hidden one on the back, two inside chest pockets, and three more on the lower inside.

Pacifica rolled her eyes but said nothing as she started to search the area.

"OW!!! Son of a-"

She turned the flashlight back at Dipper to find him on his knees. "Dipper! Are you alright?!"

"I cut my shin on this sharpened bone!"

Not going to lie. It's a little embarrassing for a detective with an eye for detail to get cut by something he didn't see.

Upon closer inspection she saw that while he was bleeding it didn't look like anything too serious. "Let me help you."

Pacifica knelt down and ripped the arm sleeve off of her suit.

"What? Pacifica are you really okay with doing that to your outfit."

"Dipper, it's white. Nothing will be able to get out the stains I've earned today. It was dead as soon as we entered the forest."

"If you say so, Sweetheart..."

"You're just lucky the sleeves are clean!"

Ripping the sleeve in to more pieces she cleaned the wound and started to dress it.

"Pacifica, when did you learn this?"

"Well when I was sixteen my parents sent me basically hopping around the world to learn how to manage the family fortune. However, when they finally came to terms with the fact that they couldn't make me look down on common folk like they do...well the short version is they sent me to a snobby boarding school in Iceland a year later. I sharpened my math skills there but when it came time for the teachers' lessons on 'proper high society etiquette' I basically played hooky and visited the local town. There was an old village lady I met there who taught me nursing."

A well traveled woman was always appreciated in my books.

"You know that's awesome, right? However, there still an important question that needs to be answered."

"Oh yeah?" Pacifica smirked. "What's that? Am I multi-lingual? How many forms of world currency can I..."

"Uh no. I mean why is there a sharpened bone?"

"Oh..." Pacifica frowned. "Right! Of course!"

She finished wrapping the wound and regained her composure as Dipper started to examine the bone. "Why would he have a bone like this? It's too big to be a toothpick for any of his heads."

"The pile it's in is also bigger than all the others."

"Excellent point, Pacifica. Let's get a closer look."

A bone like this could be a good marker for a secret door or entrance. Something to make this pile of bones stand out even more. In my line of work, secret entrances usually pop up at some point.

Dipper pulled out the bone and the entire pile fell apart revealing a giant hole underneath. The hole itself seemed to be at an awkward angle, almost like a slide. "It's starting to make sense now."

"Sense?! I don't get it!"

"Think Pacifica. If our kidnappers did take this cave over to use as hideout then it'd be too easy for their victim to just escape through the entrance when nobody's looking. This is a good base of operations maybe, but it's a lousy place to keep a prisoner."

"Then why bother taking the cave over at all?"

I hated to admit it, but Pacifica had a point. Why take over a cave if you're not going to use it?

Dipper furrowed his brow thinking deeply. He looked at the hole, easily big enough for a human but the angle would make it hard to climb up but easy to slide down. He shined his flashlight down the tunnel before putting it away.

"Let's find out!"

"Wait! You aren't seriously suggesting..."

"There's only one way down Sweetheart."

"But-But we don't know what's waiting for us down there." Pacifica shined the light down the hole. "And the thing itself looks absolutely filthy!"

"This job of mine isn't always pretty. I did try to warn you not to come." Dipper sat in front of the hole positioning himself to slide down it. "Now this probably going to get messy, so if you want to turn back then now is the time, Sweetheart."

She took a moment to weigh her options considerably before coming to a decisive conclusion. As Dipper got ready to slide down he suddenly found two arms snaked around his torso; looking back he saw Pacifica sitting behind him.

"Pacifica?"

"We're in this together, Dipper! No matter how gross it's going to get!"

Good thing it was dark or else otherwise she might have seen him blush.

"Heh. Alright Sweetheart, but if we're both going to go down there together then that means I need to make extra precautions."

"Like what?"

"Go get the sack. This hole aint no water slide, with the two of us going down together we're going to need something to ride on. It would be one thing if I was going down there alone, I got trench coat to take the damage for me, but for both of us we're going to need something to sit on."

She did as she was told and went and got the sack where it was soon laid down in front of the hole.

They re-positioned themselves on top of the sack getting ready to slide down it.

There's a joke about getting her in the sack here somewhere but I prefer to think I have a little too much class to actually make it.

Pacifica had the flashlight ready to light their path while Dipper had his gun out (with a new battery inserted) for anything that might be a problem on the way down. Pacifica's free arm was wrapped around Dipper's front for safety; he did his best not to think about it but with how tightly she was holding him he came to the conclusion she was feeling very nervous. One little push and they were off. They screamed in unison as they sped down the tunnel at alarming speed.

There was nothing slippery in this tunnel, but there was something about the perfect smoothness in it which only increased our velocity.

The sack was doing it's best to protect them from the ride but was quickly deteriorating. Not that Pacifica would know anything about it, she had her eyes closed the entire trip. Dipper did his best to keep a cool head but Pacifica's grip was making it a little hard to breathe.

They came barreling towards the end of the tunnel, unless they found a way to slow down they weren't going to survive the crash.

*PLOOT!*

A giant green blob of rubbery goo cushioned their landing after being shot out of Dipper's gun, absorbing the impact of their crash.

"Ewwwwwww!" grimaced Pacifica.

Dipper pulled himself off of the glob and then offered his hand to Pacifica. "Sorry about that, Sweetheart. Had to think fast..."

"It's fine." Pacifica said as she let him help her off of the glob. "It's a little sticky but it's fine! None of it is in my hair so you're off the hook." She flipped her hair. "Thanks for saving me."

The more things change the more they stay the same.

She shined her flashlight around. "Where are we?" It seemed like a cave and yet there was something humanish about it.

"Pacifica! Down here!" Dipper announced. She flashed her light down to where he was crouching. Dipper was pointing at metal bars which were nailed to the ground with wooden planks. "I think we're in a mine of some kind."

Following the tracks Pacifica spotted a mine cart, but there was something familiar about it. Investigating the cart, Pacifica got her answers almost instantly. "Dipper! Come look at this!"

On the side of the cart was a giant N painted gold. "Wait, Pacifica does this mean that this mine..."

"Is a Northwest mine, yes. I remember once my family told me about Jebediah Northwest, grandson to Nathaniel, who opened up a gold mine so he could 'share' the pleasure of wealth with the townsfolk."

"I guess this is it, then." deduced Dipper.

"I suppose...but the mine was supposed to be all dried up! Completely spent! And even then, I had no idea it was as far as to be underneath Multi-Bear's cave!"

Dipper held up his hand. "Wait! I think I hear something!"

Pacifica listened silently as she strained to hear whatever it was Dipper thought he heard. At first there was nothing, she waited for a moment and then she heard it. The snickering, the same snickering she heard every time her family lost more money.

She didn't even have to say anything, Dipper had the same exact idea. "It's coming from this direction! Stay down, and keep quiet."

Quietly they snuck down the tunnel in the direction that they thought they heard the snickering. A light shined from around the corner, there was more than just snickering now, there was talking and odd noises.

Dipper was about to investigate when Pacifica grabbed him by the arm. Looking at her, she shook her head 'no' at him and took out a compact mirror. Understanding almost instantly, he took it from and started to use it to peer around the corner.

I can't help but love a resourceful woman!

Looking in to the mirror he saw was quite a sight indeed.

Three small green creatures were dancing around a laptop. They were just a little taller than a gnome, their bald heads and pointy ears reminded Dipper a little bit of the gremoblin he caught as a kid. Their skin was wrinkly and covered in warts, pointed fangs stuck out from their bottom jaws. What really stood out was their hands.

Giant hands were attached to their long arms, almost disproportionate to the rest of their bodies. Their fingers were covered in metal plating, sharpened at the ends, almost like hooks. Believe it or not these seemed even larger than the hands making their bodies seem even smaller in comparison. Each goblin had a different metal however, there was copper, iron, and gold.

In the corner of the room was a man tied up from head to toe with various ropes. His bald head shined above his mouth gag which was wrapped tightly around his head. A single light bulb hung in the room, dimly lighting the area. He didn't seem to be going anywhere and the lightning goblins seemed to be devoting all their attention to the laptop so Dipper motioned to Pacifica that they should move closer. They moved quickly and quietly before hiding behind an overturned mine cart.

"Hey! That's him!" Pacifica whispered.

"What?"

"Dipper, that man tied up! That's definitely the family accountant! I'd recognize that bald head anywhere!"

"Shhh! They're up to something!"

One of the goblins stopped dancing and placed his iron claw on the top of the screen. It changed to a web page with a golden N on it, soon a window popped up asking for a password "Look! I got another one! Account number.....213756."

Squinting her eyes, there was no mistaking it. This was one of her family's accounts. However, in order to log in to such an account they would have to have access to the cyberspace on the private site where it was located. How did they find the site? Who told them? How did they know what to do? All important, valid questions. However, at the moment there was only one question on Pacifica's mind...

"How the heck can they get internet connection in a mine?! It's almost like mag-Oh..."

The one with copper broke from the group and hobbled his way over to their hostage. He climbed his way up the ropes till he was face to face with their victim, he smacked the hostage once across the face before pulling down the face gag.

"Account 213756, what's the password?"

"I tell you, and then you'll let me go? For real this time?"

The lightning goblin grinned evilly. "Perhaps, either way you don't have a choice do you?"

"I...alright, but then you have to let me go okay? The password is 65465165184."

The grin got bigger. "Thank you." He re-gaged him and returned to the laptop.

He stuck his metal covered finger in the USB slot and in a bright flash changed in to a bolt of lightning and went inside. The pop up window had the necessary password numbers entered one at a time.

"Pacifica, are you seeing this?" Dipper asked.

"Seeing, still working on believing."

"An eleven numbered password is all it takes to gain access to the account?"

"Hey!" Pacifica whispered harshly. "Getting to that page alone would require getting past like seventy-five different types of firewalls!! We never thought anything could just zap right past it!"

As soon as the password was accepted, the account amount popped up in another window. The amount was dialed down to all zeros in a blink of an eye.

They snickered together at the sight of the empty account. In another bolt of lightning the goblin zapped out of the laptop rejoining his kinsmen. Another moment to snicker together and then they clanged their hands together in a three way high five.

"Revenge on the Northwests feel so good!"

"I hear ya brother, that'll teach them! I don't think there's too many accounts left though!"

As the group snickered amongst themselves, Pacifica nearly walked out to them but Dipper was quick enough to catch her before she did anything hasty. He had to drag her away just so their cover wouldn't get blown. Once far enough away he let her go so she could calm down.

"Dipper, those are our criminals!!" she whispered to him harshly. "You can't deny that!! Give me one good reason why we shouldn't just charge in there and arrest them!"

"I'll give you a number of reasons! One, we don't know what they're really capable of! All we've seen is what they can do with a laptop, who knows what they'd do when facing conflict! Two, we'd run the risk of hurting the hostage! Judging by the bruises and scars I'd say he's been through enough! And finally three, we don't have an escape plan! Even if everything else did go swimmingly we'd still be walking a dangerous line because we don't know where the exit is!"

Pacifica gritted her teeth in anger. Dipper thought she might try to chew him out for his reasoning but instead she sighed in defeat and calmed down. "You're right! So what's the plan?"

I'll be honest, I thought she was going to lose it with me. She was capable of keeping a cooler head than I thought she could. She's grown up. That's something to take note of.

Dipper smiled at her. "Well Sweetheart, first things first. We need to find the exit to this place, then we quietly rescue the accountant and then finally we make my arrest."

"Alright then, how do we go about finding the exit?"

"Following these tracks seem to be a good start. We'll see where they lead and work our way up from there."

However, as they followed their tracks away, the lightning goblins had deviated from their celebration. The one with gold claws was busy sniffing the air.

"What is it brother?" the iron one asked. "What do you smell?"

"I smell...blood! From a wound..." he grinned evilly. "That's fresh!"

The tracks lead them down the inner workings of the mine. There were a number of turns and corners which lead down to other tunnels; tunnels with dead ends sadly. The main tracks they were following continued to lead them on and on throughout the rest of the mine. They even found some ancient dynamite abandoned by the last of the mine workers. Just when it seemed like the tracks would never end, they came upon a metal door. It seemed horribly dented and covered in scratches, through one of the broken hinges they could smell fresh air. This had to be the exit. Dipper tried to open it but it wouldn't budge, it wasn't even locked, it was jammed. More like wedged actually, it's deformities basically made it impossible to open.

"I see...that makes sense."

"How?! I'm sorry, Dipper; but how does a busted jammed door make any sense? This is the only exit we've found and it's broken!"

"Exactly!"

"Huh?"

"Well if this is the only exit the workers had then it stands to reason those little thieves were sealed in here before it got abandoned. The only other way they could get out would be through digging!"

"Digging?"

"Did you see those metal gloves the lightning goblins had? I'm willing to bet they use those for digging."

"What about that hacking thing?"

"I'm guessing have multiple uses for it, but remember the tunnel we slid down? They must use those claws with their personal electricity to dig their own tunnels."

"Why dig up though? Wouldn't any other direction that lead to the outside be better?"

"True. However, this mine is super ancient, I'm surprised it's still standing! I'm willing to bet that if they aren't careful they could bring the whole place down right on top of them. They don't seem very smart and this kind of work in a place as old as this must be very delicate work."

Pacifica was a little impressed. "Alright smart guy, then can you tell me why they're doing this?"

Dipper rolled his eyes playfully. "I'm going to go out on a limb and say 'revenge'. You know, with how they were talking about revenge on the Northwests and everything? Your family probably either A.) Screwed them over. B.) Sealed them inside. Or C.) Both A and B."

Pacifica smirked at the playful little jab.

"They probably entered Multi-Bear's cave without even knowing he ever existed. If they actually had time to plot out their revenge plan then they must have instantly recognized him as an inevitable obstacle, hence why they chased him out. He was a variable they couldn't afford!" added Dipper.

She put her hands on her hips and leaned forward in a challenging way. "Alright 'Sherlock', do you have a way for us to get out of here then?"

Heh. Sherlock...I'll take that as a compliment.

"I was hoping you would ask." He held up his gun triumphantly. "The door isn't going to budge so what do you say we just eliminate the door?"

"With the laser again?"

Pacifica wasn't going to lie, the laser had been her favorite feature of the gun so far. She wouldn't mind seeing it again.

"No. I'm in no hurry to use up another battery." Dipper said as he adjusted the dial again. "To bust this thing open, we're going to have to go cold!"

I always enjoyed showing off my gun. I have honestly never had a better tool.

The barrel of the gun opened up wide making a buzzing sound. "We're going to want to stand back."

Dipper took a couple of steps back but when he found Pacifica next to him he scratched the back of his neck nervously. "Um...since this is your first time seeing it, you might want to stand behind me. This setting is no joke."

Pacifica did as she was told and Dipper took aim. However, as he was lining up the shot the three lightning goblins were watching them from the shadows.

"Look, the one with the weapon. He is the injured one, I am sure of it!" the gold one stated.

"What of the woman? Something seems...familiar about her." the iron one asked.

"Hmm...she does have a slight similarity to Jebediah Northwest in the way she holds herself, but it could just be a coincidence. We'd need something more rock solid to know if she was a direct descendant."

"This isn't going to mess with my hair is it? My hairstylist doesn't come cheap you know." said Pacifica.

"She's a Northwest." the three said in unison.

"What do you say fellas?" the gold one smirked to the others. "Want to milk this revenge?"

The other two said nothing but grinned evilly as an answer.

"Okay Pacifica, what you are about to see is a mixture of chemicals known only to myself and my Great Uncle Ford."

As soon as Great Uncle Ford became a teacher at his dream school he opened a whole new world (metaphorically of course) of inventions and discoveries. Heck he even discovered twelve new elements not found on the periodic table on his first day!

Giving her one last confident smirk, Dipper pulled the trigger.

*KACHINK!**KACHINK!**KACHINK!*

Three glass balls shot out of the gun and shattered against the door. With their liquid content sprayed across the surface, the door started to ice over. Once it was completely frozen Dipper heard Pacifica gasp and his smirk got bigger. Dipper flicked a single pebble at it and it shattered like glass.

"Ha! See that, Pacifica? So cold it makes liquid nitrogen look like an ice cream headache in comparison! Because of this, it's considered more dangerous than an actual gun."

No. Really. It is. The government had to create brad new regulations, permits, and licenses because of this thing.

Pacifica was impressed, she wasn't even sure where those glass balls were being stored in that gun. What she found more impressive though might have actually been Dipper. Not only did he seem to be an expert with an overly complicated weapon but he seemed to have an answer for just about every obstacle they faced. It was starting to look like nothing could stop him.

'I guess the 'dweeb' really has grown up.' she thought with a smile.

However, as Dipper made his way to check the surrounding location of their new exit he had left Pacifica alone with her thoughts. The lightning goblins took advantage of this and emerged from the shadows to grab her from behind. Suddenly sending an electric surge through her body Pacifica found herself unable to move a muscle fully paralyzed. She tried to move but the best she could manage was a twitch. The lightning goblins snickered again as they dragged her in to the shadows.

Dipper, having finally finished his perimeter check of outside, came back.

"Good news! Nothing is out there waiting to ambush us! In case you're wondering, that feature is actually an upgrade my Great Uncle Ford gave me for my last birthday and I...Pacifica?"

Looking back? I couldn't believe I made such a rookie mistake. Leaving her alone with those things about? Something bad was bound to happen. It didn't take me long to find clues, signs of a struggle and multiple footprints dragging something. They took Pacifica, but I swore on my badge I'll get her back!

Chapter Text

Pacifica awoke in a daze, her vision seemed blurry but it soon cleared up. However, since a lightning goblin was looking at her directly in the face she kind of wish it hadn't. He seemed to be the one with the golden claws.

"Wakey wakey Sleeping Beauty."

"Ugh!"

"Hey guys!! You should see this face she makes!!"

"Oh not that again!"

She tried to move but her arms and legs were shackled to the wall, she was hanging off the wall in the same 'room' they had seen the accountant. In fact, he was right there in the corner.

'If this is where they took me then why hasn't Dipper rescued me yet?' Pacifica pondered.

"So you're probably wondering why we're doing this, right?"

"Well given my past experience with my family history I'm going to say a Northwest screwed you over in some way."

"I guess you aren't a stereotypical dumb blonde huh? Your ancestor stole our gold, and now after all these years we shall finally have our revenge!!"

"Why now? I mean if you're so pissed off then why haven't you gotten your revenge sooner?"

"Since you won't be going anywhere I guess it's okay to tell you our little secret. Lightning goblins have a fatal weakness, water. Water and all it's forms."

"So what? What's that got to do with anything?"

"That cave we found was not our first exit we found."

"What do you mean?"

His ears drooped down pathetically. "There used to be a lot more of us..."

Flashback

In a meadow the ground started to shake before a claw poked out of the ground. Soon a lightning goblin pulled himself up out of the ground.

He took a look around once before shouting down his hole. "The cost is clear!! We can finally have our revenge!!"

He walked two steps forward before stepping in a puddle. He screamed bloody murder before dispersing in an electrical burst.

Flash

This time they managed to cut a hole through the mountain side. One of them leaped out and surveyed the surrounding area. The grass and pine trees glistened in the night air.

"There's no one here! Northwests, here we come!!"

"Wait!! No!!! Don't..."

He charged out only to scream as he dispersed in an electrical burst as soon as he hit the grass. The lightning goblin behind him shook his head in pity. "Evening dew is no joke."

End Flashback

"We lost the others when we accidentally dug in to a river. Now there is only three of us."

"Wow, I don't think I can even comment on such a weakness. You probably found that cave by accident and only wanted it because there wasn't any water... or at least that's what I'm guessing... so why don't you go back to that whole Northwests stealing your gold thing? I'm going to go out on a limb and guess this mine was originally yours or something like that?"

"No, it belonged to the Northwests before we even showed up."

"What?! Then how'd they steal from you?!"

"It's actually quite simple. We came to Jebediah with a simple offer, we would help operate his electrical mining equipment and help him dig out the gold in exchange for half of it! If you can believe it he actually seemed surprised by our generous offer, but he accepted none the less. We worked tirelessly with the human miners until the day the mine went dry. We immediately asked for our share, he tried to make us a counter offer, he wanted us to take the mine instead."

Pacifica rolled her eyes at her ancestor's actions.

"Yeah that sounds like something a member of my family would do."

"Naturally we didn't take to kindly to him trying to back out of our deal. So when we tried to strike him he fled and sealed us inside this mine with the worker's dynamite."

Pacifica had read once somewhere about miners using dynamite to excavate new tunnels. She guessed it was true.

"He thought we would just stay trapped in here forever! Like a bunch of dumb animals!!"

The one with copper gloves pushed the laptop in to the room.

"We can't be that dumb..."

He turned it on and it showed another Northwest family account.

"If we figured out how to drain them dry."

The two shared another snicker. "Thanks Copper Cleaver."

"No problem, Gold Gasher."

"And now? We get to have his latest descendant watch helplessly as her whole world crashes around her. Completely defenseless against the wills of myself, Copper Cleaver, and..."

"So wait..." Pacifica cut in. "Do you all, like, have clever little names like that? What's the one with the iron claws called? Iron side? Ironclad? Iron Eradicator?"

The one with the iron claws gave her a dirty look. "My name is Chad!! Not all us need to have a clever name! Some of us can just have normal names too ya know!!"

"Chad, calm down!"

"Gold Gasher, she..."

"I know! I know! Don't worry about it, we're getting enough revenge for generations to come."

"Yeah, how did you figure out that hacking thing?"

"Oh we lightning goblins have always had a talent for entering electrical devices but I do admit..." Gold Gasher's eyes darted to the accountant in the corner. "Entering the 'digital age' did take some help."

Copper Cleaver snickered. "All it took was one giant N on a pen for us to figure out who he was. And then he taught us things. Things we could use... for revenge."

They all snickered at once.

Chad hobbled over to him and pulled down the gag. "Got good news for you, this will be your last time helping us. Then you can be as free as a bird."

"Then you'll let me go? No kidding?"

"We're serious this time. This is the last account, after this we'll have no reason to keep you here. You'll be free to go and never come back. We'll never darken your door again."

"Don't do it!!" Pacifica snapped. "If you do my parents will have nothing left to live off of! They don't know any other way to live!! Last time something like this happened he had to sell our home just to get a water downed version of our lifestyle, but this time he won't even be able to do that!! They'll go from wealthy to pennyless!! They'll be kicked out of their own home and out on the street!! You'll ruin their lives!!"

"They're Northwests! What do you care? You're just their accountant, and so you of all people should know how many lives they themselves have ruined with their fortune!"

Pacifica knew the little monster had a point there, Northwests, not just her parents, were famous for using their money to step on people to put themselves above others. She might have been different, but it seemed to never change for any of the others.

"Your freedom is almost yours. The account number is 213757. The last one, with this you nightmare will be over." Chad said with an evil grin.

"And my parents will literally have nothing! They won't have even a dime to their name!" Pacifica shouted.

The accountant looked between the Lightning Goblins and Pacifica before coming to a decision. "The password is 73483935645."

Pacifica screamed and shouted in protest as Chad zapped himself in to the computer. The password was entered and in a flash her family's entire way of living vanished.

Chad zapped about and the three started to snicker once again.

"You-You..." Pacifica struggled to keep her anger back. "YOU MORONS!!! If you knew anything about the Northwests of today you'd know that I'm not like the others!!! If you just came to me, explained your situation, I could've found some sort of compensation that would have benefited EVERYONE!!! YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SEND THEM TO THE POOR HOUSE!!!"

The three exchanged a dark look. "Copper Cleaver, I don't think I like her attitude!"

"I quite agree, Chad. Gold Gasher, what do you say we teach Ms. Northwest a lesson in manners?"

"Couldn't agree more."

Gold Gasher climbed the wall to the point where he was looking Pacifica in the face. He caressed her cheek with his gold claw.

"You've spent your whole life with a silver spoon in your mouth but now you might be finding yourself with gold in your veins."

She strained to move her face away from the claws as the other two laughed, not snickered, laughed at her plight.

"Mind letting me in on the joke?!" a voice snapped from the darkness.

Out from the shadows came Dipper, he seemed quite cross as he tipped his hat before storming over. "Because as far as I can see there's nothing funny going on here!"

"Dipper!!"

I liked to think of myself as a patient man, but when put before a scene like the one in front of me? Well it takes a lot o will power not to see total red.

He turned to Pacifica and his expression softened. "I'm sorry for not coming sooner, Sweetheart...but there were some things I had to take care of."

I don't think I've ever seen someone so thrilled and enraged to see me at the same time.

"Things like what?!"

Dipper pointed behind him where an empty mine cart waited. "An escape."

Chad tugged on Dipper's pant leg, getting his attention. "Excuse me, but what makes you think we're letting you leave with her?!"

Dipper sent him a sudden glare which forced Chad to take a step back. "For starters, all three of you are under arrest!! For kidnapping, burglary, attemptive murder, and..."

Copper Cleaver snickered. "And why should we care?"

Dipper pulled out his gun on them so fast it made the lightning goblin flinch. As Dipper adjusted the dial, Pacifica noticed that the green canister underneath the barrel was missing.

"Here's why!!"

A red laser beam shot out of the mouth of the gun and raced across the ground. The lightning goblins scrambled to avoid it's path as Dipper guided it to quickly but carefully cutting the accountant free. He jumped in to the mine cart without a second thought.

Using this laser beam is like an art really. You need precise aim or else everything goes to pot. Luckily I make sure to get in some practice.

Dipper raced the laser beam up the wall where it cut off Pacifica's shackles, one at a time in a single circle.

She fell from the wall but Dipper quickly caught her, carrying her bridal style over to the mine cart in a sprint. He jumped in still carrying her, pulled the lever in the cart and they were off.

It was about this time that the lightning goblins got their courage back.

"AFTER THEM!!!"

The lightning goblins chased after the cart on foot, slamming their hands on the ground to swing themselves forward like they were some kind of crazy gorillas.

Meanwhile in the cart, Pacifica was still in Dipper's arms but she just ignored the awkwardness. "You saved me!!" she beamed.

Dipper delicately put her down and stood up in the speeding mine cart. "I aint done, Sweetheart!"

Meanwhile, the lightning goblins didn't seem to be able to close the gap between them and the mine cart. Then Gold Gasher noticed the fuse box for the electrical work for the whole mine. "There! We can catch them in no time if we follow them through the wiring!!"

The lightning goblins put one claw over the other in a three way gauntlet pile up, Gold Gasher touched the tip of his claw to the fuse box and in a single bolt of lightning went inside. They traveled up in to the wiring on the ceiling where the wiring hung and started to travel down it with an angry thundering cry.

Back at the mine cart, Dipper had replaced the battery in his gun and tossed the fried one. With his other hand he took out his fang dagger and spun it around in his hand before gripping the handle hard.

"Gotta time this just right!!"

He reached his dagger up and cut the wiring on the ceiling, letting it fall helplessly to the ground.

"What're you doing?" Pacifica asked.

"Booby trap."

"Huh?"

The cart suddenly picked up speed as it went down a slope.

"Pacifica, did you wonder how my goo shots work?" Dipper asked as he lined up his shot with his gun. He didn't wait for her to answer. "They're a mixture of chemicals which expands when it comes in to contact with oxygen unless it has the other contraptions of the gun to give it form. Now say I had a glass canister of the stuff, not even full, waiting for our guests?"

"...Wait...how can you use the goo without the gun?"

"Ever see what happens to a closed glass jar with water in it when you leave it out in the middle of winter?"

"No..." Pacifica answered honestly.

"It shatters!"

*KACHINK!*

A glass ball shot out of the gun; time seemed to slow down as it hit the canister leaning against the wall on the ground, just as the lightning goblins shot out of the cut electrical wire behind it. Time sped back up again as a three headed giant goo ball came tumbling after them. Each one of the lightning goblins grunted in pain as their faces continuously hit the ground.

Now would be an excellent time for someone to que the Indiana Jones music.

"Faster!!" the accountant shouted. "Must go faster!!!" It didn't seem to do much, especially when it broke off.

He started to mess with the lever even though they were already speeding towards the exit. Didn't seem to do much though. The mine cart reached the end of the tracks and shot them out towards the exit.

Dipper, Pacifica, and the accountant sailed through the air. As Pacifica saw the ground speeding towards her she closed her eyes, bracing for impact. She hit something, but it didn't feel like ground, she felt whatever it was and herself slide on the ground backwards. She opened her eyes to find Dipper underneath her.

"Dipper?"

"Sorry Sweetheart, my body just reacted. Would you mind getting off? I think a rock is poking in to my back!"

Pacifica blushed furiously at their position and quickly got off of him. Pretending like it didn't just happen, she helped him to his feet.

"Well Dipper, you saved me from having my throat clawed out. Thanks!"

He dusted his hat off and gave her an apologetic look. "I may have saved your life, but I didn't save your family's fortune. I'm sorry Pacifica, I failed you."

Pacifica wanted to tell him that it was alright, that he saved her life and that was enough, but the truth was he was right. There was only one possible way she could put a positive spin on this.

She averted her gaze from him and rubbed her arm. "Maybe it's better this way. Without any money my family can't hurt anyone."

Dipper was surprised by her outlook on the situation. "What, but what about that all that riches to rags nonsense?"

"If my father is half the businessman he claims to be he'll be able to land on his feet. It'll hit him a lot harder than the first time but him and mom won't end up on the streets. He'll have to live a normal life, a regular 9 to 5, but he should at least be able to support himself and my mother if he's willing to put in the work."

She puffed out her chest, feeling a little better about the situation.

"Then I guess that leads to the most important question, what about you?"

She suddenly became a little flustered. "Oh me? Uh..."

'Why am I blushing?!' she thought to herself. Stop blushing and give him an answer.'

She cleared her throat and took a deep breath. "Oh don't worry about me, I still have a secret safe full of money back at my apartment. It should at least let me pay rent one more time."

As a detective, I knew a bluff when I saw one. The real trick to it, however, is getting the person to admit the truth.

"Pacifica, listen..."

"I'm okay too, in case either of you are wondering!" chimed in the accountant.

The accountant's bald shined the in moonlight, his clothes were tattered from his rough landing. He didn't seem to appreciate being ignored.

"Wait! You seem familiar...do I know you Mr....?"

I've never been one to forget a face. A name? Sure, but never a face. I knew this man...

"My name is Gabe!!"

"You gotta be kidding me! Hand puppet Gabe?! You're an accountant?!" Dipper laughed.

"Yes, surprise! Surprise! I couldn't pay the bills with puppet shows, who could have seen that coming?!"

"Pretty much anyone." Dipper answered honestly.

"Whatever! I'm going home!" he snapped. "I'm going to have to look for a new job in the morning since it doesn't look like the Northwests will be signing my paycheck anytime soon!"

He stormed off as Pacifica hung her head. Dipper put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Thanks for trying, Dipper."

Dipper suddenly steeled his gaze and handed her his hat. "Watch this for me!"

"Huh? Why?"

"The job isn't over yet! And I want them to see the look in my eyes when I finish it!"

Pacifica was about to ask what he meant when she suddenly saw him take out his gun and walking over to where the lightning goblins were sticking out of the mine entrance, still trapped in the goo ball. Lined up, three in a row, the lightning goblins found only their heads sticking out. Two of them were unconscious from repeatedly hitting the ground, but the one in the middle seemed to be waking up.

Shaking the cobwebs from his head, the center lightning goblin found himself staring down the barrel of Dipper's gun.

"Wh-What's going on here?!"

"I consider myself a pretty forgiving man." Dipper started. "And if you only robbed the money equivalent to what the Northwests owed you I could even be persuaded to look the other way, but no, you had to take it further than that! You took all their money instead! Normally this would just allow me to do my job and arrest you, but again, no. You threatened to kill her, to...what was it?" Dipper adjusted the dial to the laser beam. "Oh yeah, 'put some gold in her veins'!! As an agent of the government of the United States I am authorized to terminate any creature I deem a threat to the public people!!"

"N-NO!! Please!!"

Dipper gritted his teeth, he was just seconds away from pulling the trigger. Sweat rolled down his face as he looked the cowering lightning goblin in the eye.

Then Dipper noticed his arm starting to go down. Snapping back to his senses Dipper saw Pacifica with a hand on his gun.

"Pacifica?"

"Put the gun down, Dipper. You don't want to do this."

Dipper looked at her with soft eyes but shook it away, fixing a steely gaze back on the lightning goblin. "You don't know that! Ten years is a long time, Pacifica! And what I've learned in that time is I can't afford to gamble with people's lives, I have to be hard or else people die! Who's to say if I let him live he won't come back and try to kill you but succeed this time?!"

"You're right..." she looked him in the face. "I can't promise that. And I don't know what you've been through in the past ten years, I don't know the hardships you've which made you steel your resolve. I only know what you've shown me. And what I've seen is a good man..."

Dipper didn't put away his gun but he gave Pacifica his full attention.

"A man who wants to believe in the good in people but isn't naive about it either. You could have just let a manotaur die of suffocation but instead you offered him a window out. You could have charged in and handled the lightning goblins right away but didn't want to risk the hostage. You care Dipper, and that isn't a bad thing! I'm stopping you right now, not because you're about to do the wrong thing, but because you don't want to do it either."

She brought his gun up to his face. "You see? You're shaking."

Dipper relaxed his grip and dropped his arm. "Then what are you suggesting? That I let him go?"

"The only thing I'm suggesting here is for you to do what you already know is the right thing. Don't listen to your head, listen to your heart." she pleaded. "Arrest him, don't kill him."

Maybe it was those big doe like eyes of her's or the whimpering of the lightning goblin, but I couldn't help but feel like she was right.

"Alright." He turned to the lightning goblin. "Our pretty friend here just basically saved your hide, so if you know what's good for you and your friends then you'll let it end at that."

"Y-Yes! Of course!! I swear!! This will be the last time she hears from us!"

Pacifica put Dipper's hat back on his head but purposefully pulled it down over his eyes. "Maybe you aren't such a stone cold detective after all."

Dipper laughed at her actions as he fixed his hat.

It was around this time that the other two lightning goblins started to come back around. Their grogginess seemed to linger for a moment but moment it was gone they noticed Pacifica and snickered.

"Oh just wait until we get out of this, Blondie. Then you'll really feel our wra..."

"SHUT UP, CHAD!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE BULLET WE JUST DODGED!!!" the center head hollered.

While this was going on, Dipper had pulled out a walkie talkie radio and was talking to someone through it. He seemed to have finished just as Chad had been silenced.

"So who was that Dipper?" Pacifica asked.

"In short? My boss. He'll be sending someone to pick these guys up to face a trial of their magical peers."

I answer to the Secretary of Defense. They sign my paychecks and get me my jobs. Every now and then I have to meet up with the head honcho for a progress report of sorts. However, that is neither here nor there...

"Magical peers?"

"You know, creatures like Multi-Bear who are willing to abide by our laws."

So as Dipper started to read the lightning goblins their Miranda Rights, Pacifica let out a breath of relief she had no idea she had been holding. She smiled at the scene before her but soon she hung her head melancholy in remembrance of what had happened to her today.

One Week Later...

Pacifica was standing before her landlord, things weren't looking good for her.

"Listen I know I said I had the money to pay for rent one last time but I needed the money for...for something else. I don't have my accounts to cushion me anymore! Everything the bank hasn't repossessed I've had to sell just to get by! I know I'm asking for a lot, but do you think you could just give me a little more time to find a job so I can land on my feet?"

"No! I'm afraid I can't do that at all! I know it's tough but I can't afford to keep you up there anymore! Now get out!"

Pacifica glared at the man.

"You've turned in to such a hard case Tyler, it's really a pity! You were so nice as a mayor."

"Hard case or not, I already put up an advertisement in the paper for that penthouse which mean I need you to..."

"Don't tell me!" Pacifica cut him off. "Get out! Get out! Get out! Right?"

"If you know what I'm going to say then you don't need instructions on how to do it!!"

Pacifica sighed in defeat and walked out the building door empty handed. She had nothing left but the clothes she was wearing. A pink leather jacket, a lake foam green shirt, and a purple skirt.

*HONK!**HONK!*

Pacifica jumped at the sudden noise. Parked in the road in front of the building was Dipper, in the driver's seat of his RV. "Need a lift, Sweetheart?"

You all didn't think I'd actually leave her like that, did you?

"Dipper? I thought for sure you'd have skip town by now! What're you still doing here?"

"I stuck around so I catch up with Soos and the gang." He opened the passenger door. "Now come on, I want to share something with you."

Pacifica stared at his seat for a moment and then at him. He smirked at her. "Like you got anything better to do."

"Alright Dipper, I got in, I let you drive me all the way to the Mystery Shack, now can you please tell me what this is all about?!"

Dipper pointed to the crowd in front the RV. "I Just figured you might want to see this."

He got out of the car and Pacifica joined him blending in with the crowd.

Soos made his way in front of the crowd, behind him was a structure covered by a sheet. He wiped some sweat from his brow and started to read from some flash cards from his pocket. "Good morning everyone, my name is Soos, I am the proprietor here at the Mystery Shack. I have asked you all here to today so may commemorate my predecessor Stanley Pines. Most people remember his as con artist, a charlotin, a cheapskate, and... " when it became obvious to Soos that the list of nefarious Stan labels wasn't going to stop anytime soon he tossed the cards over his shoulders.

"Well that's what most people would say, but they didn't know him like I did. To me, Stan was like the father I never had, and while some of his deeds would not be what some would call 'legal' or 'ethical', there was still no lengths he wouldn't go for his family. He always put his niece and nephew first, he even saved his niece's pet pig Waddles, he gave me my dream job, he helped give our own Wendy Conroy her first part time job which taught her skills on how to manage others. And of course, after 30 years he was reunited with his twin brother Stanford. He traveled the world having adventures with his long lost brother until his illness forced him to retire and return to his home, the Mystery Shack. Here he spent the last of his days surrounded by those who loved him. In these actions he has touched the lives of everyone around him, everything this man has ever done has been for the sake of those he's loved! And it is because of this we honor his memory with this!"

Soos pulled the sheet off revealing a giant stone statue of Stan. Stan stood proud with his right foot resting on top of a cash register. The crowd roared with applause as camera lights flashed all around it. "I hired some professional dudes to make this. Last time I tried to make a statue of Stan, it didn't go over well."

"This is sweet, Dipper." Pacifica turned to him. "but why are you sharing it with me?"

"I think you know." Dipper laughed a little when he saw her flinch. "Come back to the RV and I'll explain."

Dipper and Pacifica made their way through the crowd only stopping once so Dipper and Soos could wave at each other.

"Alright Dipper, no more games, no more mysteries. Explain!"

"Why should I when we both know Soos got the rest of the money for the statue from you?"

Pacifica darted her eyes about nervously. "I-I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Pacifica, please! I'm a detective for crying out loud! Did you really think you could hide it from me?"

"Uhh..."

"Gonna play it the hard way huh? Well just cut right to the chase then. When Soos left the gift shop to give a new group the usual tour he came back to find a pile of wads of cash in his donations bowl. However, there was something unusual about these wads, not that Soos seemed to notice, but I noticed. The rubber bands for the wads all had golden N's on them."

Pacifica flinched which was soon followed by a blush. "Good logic, but I already told you I needed my private stash for making rent."

"I considered that. However, the thing about you Pacifica is that you're nicer than you pretend to be. You probably heard about Soos and his goal to have a statue of my family member and did your best to bridge the gap."

Pacifica's blush got a little brighter. "N-Nice try, Dipper." She swallowed a lump in her throat. "If that was actually true then I wouldn't have even lasted the week I did."

"Except you probably sold all your dresses just to make ends meet, correct?"

Pacifica sighed in defeat. "Alright, you caught me. I came to the Mystery Shack on Monday looking for a job, then I overheard Soos talking about wanting a statue of your Great Uncle and how much it meant to him and..."

I did my best not to laugh at her here. It couldn't have been easy for her to confess, but she just had so much nervous energy I couldn't help but find it cute.

"I guess one thing just lead to another and...Dipper stop smiling like that!!!"

"I'm sorry! I can't help it! You're adorable!"

"Grrr! Dipper, why did you call me out like this? What's the point? What do you want?"

Dipper smiled at her and took off his hat. "Thank you."

"Huh?"

"They say it takes a village to raise you in to the adult you become, and this..." Dipper gestured to Soos, Melody, and Wendy talking and laughing in front of Stan's statue. "is my village. And I want to thank you for helping them, it was really sweet."

Pacifica aimlessly kicked some dirt off the ground shyly. "It was no big deal."

"No, it was a big deal. Because you are a big deal, what you did for them was the cherry on the awesome Sunday that is the person you've shown me you've become."

"What?"

"Did that analogy go over your head?"

"Little bit."

"Listen Pacifica, what I'm summing up here is...you've impressed me, I like the person you've become. You've made a huge improvement to who you are in just ten years. Which is why I want to make you an offer. A job of sorts, you'd get a paycheck like me and you'd get to travel all across America with me. All you'd have to do, is just help me out with my cases like you did with this one. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, would you like to come with me?"

"Come with you? Like what, as your sidekick or something?"

"Sidekick, deputy, assistant, companion, secretary, apprentice, partner, take your pick! Any one of these will fit! Either way, what I'm asking here is, do you want to come with me?"

The Secretary of Defense does say he'll allow me to hire someone to be under my wing. I originally made this offer to Mabel, but she pointed out that we each have our own lives to live now. Pacifica however, she seems perfect for the spot to me. Not that I'm ready to pick out drapes or anything.

Dipper held his hand out to her and Pacifica stared at it silently for a moment. "Aw what the heck. Why not? It's either this or manual labor."

She placed her hand in his and he lead her inside the living quarters of the RV. "I did clean the place up a little in the chance you would said 'yes' so feel free to look around."

And Pacifica did, it wasn't exactly 'roomy' but Dipper did make good use of the space he was given. Dipper let her explore on her own, he needed to go over the map in the front seat. There was a two seated table next to the table, on the other side across from it was the refrigerator.

Next to it was an oven stove, there wasn't anything special there, but above it...

"Dipper, is that a battleaxe over the oven?!"

"Yeah, it was a gift if you can believe it. Yeah, from the viking who discovered America, he predated Colombus by a long shot. I found him in a block of ice in Maine, I thawed him out and he gave me his favorite weapon as a thank you. He said he wanted to see what the country's become in today's world, I gave him the okay so long as he doesn't hurt anyone."

"Aren't you afraid it'll come down and like chop your head off or something?"

"Nah. I picked up a thing or two from Soos. The only way that thing can come down, is somebody takes it down."

Pacifica had to admit, it did offer some unique but effective feng shui. She moved on.

She was at the back now, there was a couch against the wall, a television sat adjacent. Next to that there was a closet, didn't seem to be anything special about it. Next to it was the door to the bathroom, again just ordinary.

In the back there was an oval...couch? What stuck out about this was there was a curtain in front of it, almost like a shower curtain but thick to the point where you couldn't see through it. She pulled it out all the way and back to see it went from one end to the other cutting it off from the rest of the RV.

"Dipper, what's up with the back? Why is there this curtain here?" called Pacifica.

"That's your bedroom! I even went out of my way to install a privacy curtain just for you! I think you'll like your bed, like sleeping on a cloud!" Dipper called back.

"You mean the oval couch thing? If that's the bed where you sleeping?"

"The regular couch unfolds in to a bed!"

She shrugged, made sense to her. On a table next to the couch sat a book, it looked liked Dipper's old journal but there were two things different about it. First, it didn't seem as old, it was so well kept it almost looked new. Second, instead of having a six fingered hand with a number 3 on it, it had a golden pine tree on it with the number one on it.

"You're writing your own journal?"

"No. Well, yes. In a way. To be honest it's more of a reference guide. I run in to a lot of strange creatures."

Pacifica had finished her tour, the only other notable thing was a laptop on the table across from the oven stove. She moved her way to the front and sat in the passenger seat.

"Anything in particular I need to know?" she asked as she buckled up.

"Let's see...I play the sousaphone, I like to play overly complicated board games, and last but not least, there is an abacus in the glove compartment."

"I meant about the job, Dummy!"

"Oh...Follow my orders, stay on your toes, and be ready to run." Dipper started the engine and shifted to drive.

"Hmm, makes sense I suppose. Dipper, there is one thing I simply have to know from you."

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

"Why do you keep calling me 'Sweetheart'?"

"Isn't it obvious? It's because you're a sweetheart, Sweetheart."

Pacifica deadpanned. "Of course it is."

I know that from the outside looking in that this might seem like the end, but the truth of the matter is...this is only the beginning.

Chapter Text

Pacifica woke up to notice something was very wrong. Her bed was severely lacking in the silk sheets she had imported from China, her llama plushie was gone, her velvet blankets were missing, and her alarm clock hadn't gone off. She sat up and saw the privacy curtain Dipper had made for her and it all came flooding back to her.

She gave herself a once over. She had slept in her clothes; to be fair she didn't have any pajamas anymore. She was going to have to talk to Dipper about going shopping. She pulled back the privacy curtain to find the RV empty, Dipper wasn't anywhere to be seen.

She took two steps and a sudden chill ran down her spine, there was something behind her, she could feel the ominousness in the air. She slowly turned around to see a giant flaming eyeball floating in the air. Despite being an eyeball, it still had a layer of skin to cover itself and form eyelids, although it seemed horribly burned.

Pacifica screamed for all she was worth as she ran to the driver's end of the RV.

"Where are you, Dipper Pines?! Come forth and face your destiny!!!"

The door to the living quarters of the RV opened and Dipper immediately ran in. "Pacifica?!" He spotted her pressing her back against the dashboard from fear of their new visitor. "Pacifica, what's wrong?! What is it?!"

Pacifica tried to find the words but couldn't seem to stop stuttering, so instead she immediately pointed behind him. Dipper turned around and saw the eyeball and...relaxed?

"Oh. Is that all? Pacifica, you shouldn't be afraid of that!"

"HUH?!"

Never before had Pacifica had such a surge of both terror and confusion at the same time.

"That can't hurt you."

"Oh yes I can! Or to be more precise, I'm going to hurt YOU, Dipper Pines! At long last you shall perish!!"

Dipper ignored what the eyeball was saying and tried to move past it. Oddly enough, the eyeball let him as it continued to gloat.

"Yes, for I have finally achieved the form which shall be the cause of your demise!!"

Dipper walked over to the kitchen sink and poured himself a cup of water. As he walked back over, cup in hand, Pacifica felt a little bit less afraid and a lot more curious.

"This is your day of reckoning, and there is nothing you can do to..."

Dipper splashed the cup of water on the eyeball and the flames instantly went out.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MY ONE WEAKNESS, HOW COULD YOU HAVE POSSIBLY KNOWN?!"

The eyeball turned from Pacifica to the man which caused him his 'defeat' only to be poked in the pupil by a broom stick from Dipper.

"OW!!! MY OTHER ONE WEAKNESS!!! CURSE YOU, DIPPER PINES!!!"

Dipper rolled his eyes before giving the eyeball another poke. "Yeah, yeah. Tell it to someone who cares! I beat you fair and square so go back to where you came from."

The eyeball looked like it was about to cry. "But..."

"I don't want to hear it! Now go on! Go back to where you make sense!"

"Aright, fine!! I'll get you next time though!!"

"Uh-huh. Sure you will."

In the blink of it's eye it disappeared as if it was never there at all.

Pacifica remained frozen in silence for a moment until everything finally settled in her brain. "Dipper, what the HELL was that thing?!"

"He's just an evil eyeball from a magical realm. He tried to invade America once, by his lonesome, I stopped him, and he swore revenge. I wouldn't worry about him though, he's an idiot. He always says he's going to come at me with a new form but the truth is he just unknowingly goes in a loop of three forms thinking they're new each time. Fire, you saw today, Flesh is his usual form, and then Lightning...I know it sounds impressive but it's basically just him with a large static charge."

Pacifica had calmed down reasonably fast during Dipper's explanation. This eyeball turned out to be more of an annoyance than a danger. It was almost laughable.

"He shows up about every six months, yammering on about how he'll finally kill me. Takes me about...five minutes at most to handle him."

Feeling more relaxed on the situation, she tried to make light of it to bring herself back down to earth.

"Let me guess his name. Eyevan? Seemore?"

"Um...actually it's Lenny."

"...Lenny..."

"...Yeah, I know. I was the same way the first time he told me."

"You know, Dipper...now that my life has more monsters in it, I find myself oddly disappointed with how human some of them can seem."

"I remember that feeling. Don't worry, it'll pass."

The sound of beeping came from behind Dipper, a smile formed on Dipper's face as he raced to the laptop. A small light on top of the screen seemed to be blinking red too.

"Alright! We got work!!" Dipper beamed.

"So this is how the government contacts you? Through the laptop?"

"More reliable than through the phone."

"Fair enough."

He flipped it open and started typing. "Let's see...the case itself is a massive disappearance mystery in..." Dipper's face suddenly fell when he saw the name of the town. He groaned loudly, covering his with both palms. "East Cadaverton! I hate that place!"

Pacifica scoffed. "It can't really be called that!"

"And Gravity Falls is supposed to be any better?"

"Touche. So outside of the name, why don't you like the place?"

"It's a little personal. The short version is, I thought there was more to a case and the client disagreed with me, the recent convenient suspect of the case was enough for them to label as the culprit. I thought there was more to it but since they were so desperate to feel secure they called my boss to force me to close the case! I pleaded with him but he said that as long as they weren't in danger anymore then there wasn't any need for me to stick around anymore!"

Dipper grumbled a little bit as he typed a quick response before heading to the driver's seat. "Come on, this isn't how I wanted you to get some on the job training in but it looks like we don't have a choice. It's gonna be a long drive so I suggest you buckle up."

She got in to the passenger seat and buckled up. In the driver's seat, Dipper started the engine with an exasperated sigh. They set out on the road and after a few minutes Pacifica noticed Dipper still seemed disappointed.

"Want to talk about it?" asked Pacifica.

He gave her an apologetic look before turning back to the road. "I'm sorry Pacifica, but this case is almost a complete repeat of the last time I went to that town. It left a bitter taste in my mouth and I just don't want it happen all over again!"

"Well tell me the long version of the story then. Get it all off your chest so I can understand it better?"

"Alright, the case was a massive disappearance of townspeople, just like this time. I set to work at once, I went around questioning the family and friends of those who had gone missing. At first there seemed to be no pattern, practically random, the only thing I could find they had in common was that all the people who had gone missing were male."

Dipper looked at Pacifica, his rambling didn't seem to bother her one bit.

"Strange without a doubt, but still not a lot to go on. I was starting to get frustrated, then I got a lead...one of the locals talked about seeing his friend walking in to the woods behind the town's cemetery. I asked him why he didn't stop his friend or report it and he told me it was because it didn't look like he was being lured or forced to go in."

"That's strange."

"That's what I thought too. I investigated at once, my first clue was footprints, a lot of them. I followed them and they lead me to something very unusual, statues."

"Statues?"

"Yeah, statues. Upon closer inspection I saw these stone statues had facial features which matched those of who had gone missing."

"They turned in to statues?"

"Either that or culprit was very artsy. I started to investigate the surrounding area, and just outside the forest was a cottage, a good deals away from the town. Turns out a woman lived there, alone...never had any visitors...ever."

"Well that's not suspicious at all..." Pacifica rolled her eyes.

"I know, I had my first suspect but without evidence all I had was a hunch. I didn't get too many days of investigation before myself and couple of townsfolk found ourselves a Catoblepas wondering the forest."

"A what?"

"It's like a bull made of iron except it has the head of a wildebeest and the face of a boar. I call it the Iron Bull because I don't want to say that mess anymore than I have to. It's breath can turn people to stone."

"Sounds like a perfect fit to me."

"Yeah, too perfect. I just so 'happened' to stumble across a creature which could do exactly what I was searching for? It isn't even indigenous to America, it's from Ethiopa, and the local museum just so happened to open a wing with exhibits from there..."

"I see what your getting at..."

"Yeah, the town believed it was some kind of stowaway with the exhibits but I say someone would have noticed it on the plane. The townspeople wanted it put to death..." at the sound of Pacifica's gasp Dipper rolled his eyes. "Don't get me wrong, this thing was no dandelion. It was a stone cold merciless killer, nearly broke my leg. I pleaded that this beast couldn't be the culprit but..."

"Nobody listened to you!"

"Exactly. The beast was put down, and the townspeople came back after. I had to drop the case because everyone came back safely. The government got paid it's money, and in turn so did I. I wanted to stick around and prove that I was right but I got called away on another case. That town always did leave a bitter taste in my mouth though."

"Well no wonder! I'd be upset with that place too, sounds like it sucks!"

Dipper gave her a small smile. "Thanks, Pacifica."

"For what?"

"For listening."

As the RV drove over a hill, the drive suddenly didn't seem as long.

Dipper and Pacifica finally arrived in town, passing a sign which read 'Welcome to East Cadaverton'. Grey ominous clouds seemed to hang over the town unmoving. Driving down the road, Pacifica got a good look at the townsfolk. Everyone was bustling about, too busy to stop and say 'hello', completely absorbed in their own business. They also seemed sleep deprived, jumpy,...almost down right paranoid. She didn't like it.

Everyone in Gravity Falls seemed so endearing and quirky, this place was severely lacking of that charm. The streets looked like they had little care, litter scattered across the sidewalk. The broken windows on the gas stations suggested the crime rate was much higher than it should be for a town of it's size. It felt like the opposite of Gravity Falls.

"Is it always this dreary?"

"No. This is it on a good day."

Dipper took a left and turned in to the parking lot of city hall. City hall itself didn't look like anything impressive, it was about seven stories high and seemed to resemble an apartment complex more than anything.

"Come on." Dipper said unbuckling himself. "Let's got meet our client."

Pacifica unbuckled too. "Who is our client?"

"The mayor of course! Biggest chicken of all."

As they stepped out of the car, Pacifica had a feeling she wasn't going to like her first official case. The entire town seemed to rub her the wrong way.

Upon entering the building, Pacifica suddenly remembered her wardrobe problem.

"Oh! Dipper I almost forgot. I need to talk to you about..."

Pacifica cut herself off as a man dropped down from the ceiling, startling her. He was pretty scrawny, wearing a sweater vest and suspenders. Dipper sighed tiredly.

"Hello Joe, whaddya think you know?"

"Dipper Pines! I knew you'd be back to silence me eventually!!"

"Dipper who is this?!" Pacifica snapped.

"Pacifica, this is Joe. Local conspiracy nut, and a pain in the neck for just about everyone he meets. Joe, this is Pacifica; she helps me on cases."

"Aha!! You decided to let someone else in to your inner circle!"

"Dipper, what is he talking about?"

"Because I work for the government he thinks I know every single one of their little secrets."

Joe's entire focus was on Pacifica. "So tell me, has he told you about the Yeticabra yet?!"

"Joe! For the last time..." Dipper snapped. "the Yeti and the Chupacabra did NOT have a secret love child together!! They don't even like each other like that!!"

"Wait!! What?!" Pacifica snapped her head towards Dipper.

"Riiiiight, that's just what you want us to think!"

"Joe, listen! We got to go talk to the mayor! Go find someone else to bug!" Dipper ordered.

"Very well, I'll discover more truths and put a stop to the government once and for all!"

As Joe ran off, Dipper could feel a headache starting to form.

"Well he was annoying!" Pacifica sneered. "Tell me we won't be running in to that guy again!"

"Sadly he's a pain that comes with the town. He's annoying but he has eyes and ears all over town. He was my informant last time."

"Him?!" Pacifica pointed her thumb behind her in the direction Joe left. "Dipper, please tell me you're joking!" she scoffed.

"I wish I could, but because Joe goes chasing his own conspiracy theories, there's actually very little in this town he misses."

Pacifica stared in the direction Joe ran off in with a frown on her face. "Are any of his theories actually correct?"

Dipper stared at her like she just said the dumbest thing he'd ever heard. "Pacifica, please! This is a man who thinks the pyramids were created by the dinosaurs."

That answered her question.

"However," Dipper started to walk farther in to the building. "the only real conspiracy theory out there is exactly who wants people to believe in conspiracy theories."

Pacifica stood there silently as what Dipper just said started to grasp her mind.

"Of course that falls outside my jurisdiction."

Dipper had just started to round the corner when Pacifica finally snapped back to her senses.

"Dipper, wait! What's that supposed to mean?!"

She started to chase after him.

"Dipper, come back!!"

Omake

Dipper couldn't help but puff out his chest in pride. He was creating his very own journal, and he was almost done. He delicately cut out a pine tree from the gold piece of paper Mabel had sent him. He applied some glue to the back and pressed it against the cover. The tree immediately coiled forward and upward in the direction of Dipper's finger.

"HOW DID GREAT UNCLE FORD MAKE THIS SOUND SO EASY?!"

Chapter Text

Mayor Brown was a short man, fat and stout. His balding head shined in the light from the overhead hanging lamp. Sitting behind his desk, he sweated nervously under Dipper's intense glare. Pacifica sat next to Dipper on the other side of the desk, the fold out chairs they were sitting on weren't comfortable at all.

Mayor Brown cleared his throat. "Um...could you stop glaring at me please?"

"I told you were you that you were still in danger! I told you that you weren't safe yet!! I told you to let me continue my investigation but you didn't listen!!!" yelled Dipper.

Mayor Brown grabbed a handkerchief from the pocket of his blue business suit and wiped the sweat off of his face. "I know that now, and you were right! It's exactly like last time but worse now! Last time we lost twelve people in a month, this time we've lost over twenty in a week!"

'Twenty in a week?' Pacifica thought. 'What are we dealing with here?'

Dipper sighed. "Alright, I'm willing to take the case again but you've got to let me see it to the end!"

"Yes! Yes, of course!!"

"And, since I'm reopening the case I'm going to want to get paid up front this time!"

"What?! That wasn't how it worked last time!!"

"Yes, but while I may work for the government, I am still technically a Private Investigator. Meaning I can set different terms for unique cases if my client agrees to them."

"I don't think..."

"And if you want me to take this case then you will agree to them."

"Alright, fine!!" the mayor snapped. "Although I'm only agreeing to this because the next election is coming up fast!"

He took out his checkbook from his desk drawer and started to write Dipper out a check.

Pacifica leaned over to him and whispered "Why do you want to get paid upfront?"

"Because in case you haven't noticed, our fridge is empty. And since now I'll be feeding two mouths, it would probably be a good idea to get paid as soon as possible." Dipper whispered back.

"And I need some more clothes, in case you've forgotten I'm wearing all I have."

"Oh that's right! Mayor Brown, now that I've hired extra help I'm afraid my rate has gone up by twenty-five percent."

"What?!" Mayor Brown yelled. "That's highway robbery!!!"

"Eh;" Dipper shrugged. "I learned my negotiating skill from my Grunkle Stan. Think of it as the price of the publicity you have to pay when all your citizens return alive and unharmed, saving registered voters can be very good for the polls."

Mayor Brown frowned, it looked like he still didn't like the idea but he ultimately gave in.

"Fine!! However, ALL my missing people need to be brought back safe and sound!!" He finished writing the check and handed it to Dipper.

"Deal! Now tell me, what have you been doing to try and calm the townsfolk?"

"Not a whole lot calms down the people of this town, the only thing that seems to work is a party at the rec center." Mayor Brown explained.

"That's crazy!" shot Pacifica. "Gathering everyone in one place is just going to make it easier for the culprit! They're going to have their pick of the litter!!"

"No!" Dipper cut in. "That's what makes it perfect! They won't be able to resist making a move, and when they do we'll be ready! Don't worry Mayor Brown, we'll get them back for you!"

Dipper tucked the check in to his coat pocket as he and Pacifica started to take their leave.

"So now that we're 'paid', how about a little clothes shopping?" proposed Pacifica.

"Business before pleasure, Sweetheart. We got a stake out to get to!"

The gymnasium of the rec center seemed to be full to the brim as Dipper and Pacifica passed through it's double doors. The music was quick and upbeat, it seemed to be exactly what the people needed to have a good time. There was a buffet table with various finger foods and a bowl of punch.

"So what do we do first? Question the locals?" asked Pacifica.

"Nah, as much as it pains me to admit this, we should probably find Joe. If anybody is going to notice someone missing here it would be him."

"Do we have to find him? He's a nut job and that's putting it nicely."

"I know, but he has this annoying eye for detail that tends to come in handy. If we split up one of us is bound to find him!"

Pacifica searched through the crowd but she made sure to always keep one eye on Dipper just in case. Everyone was dancing to the beat so well it was almost hard to believe that these were the same people she saw from the RV. As much as she hated to admit it, she knew nothing about Joe other than he was a conspiracy nut.

She spotted the buffet table. "Well a crazy man is still a man, and eventually every man needs his snacks."

She stood next to the table and surveyed scene, keeping her eyeballs peeled for Joe.

"Enjoying the party?"

Pacifica jumped at the voice from behind. She turned around to find Joe hanging upside down from the ceiling in front of her. He was suspended from what looked like a bungee cord, she turned her gaze to ceiling where it came from. It seemed to be more tangled around a rafter than properly tied to it, it was a straight up mess. She turned her attention back to Joe and saw he was slowly starting to spin.

"There you are."

"You know this party is a conspiracy too! It's all to distract us from the truth! That we're being invaded by moose from the underworld!!"

"What're you gonna tell me next? That the moon landing was faked?" sighed Pacifica.

"Oh no, we DID land on the moon! It just wasn't OUR moon!!" exclaimed Joe.

Pacifica rolled her eyes. "Listen, Dipper wanted to meet up with you so he could..."

"So he could silence me?! I knew it was only a matter of time!!"

"What? No! Put your conspiracy fictions on hold for a second and listen! People are disappearing again and Dipper seems to think that you would be able to spot someone if they mysteriously disappear from this crowd or whatever!"

"Hmm... I suppose I would be able to, but what would be in it for me?"

"Helping us stop the disappearances?"

"Meh." Joe gave her an upside down shrug. "Not that big of a deal to me."

Pacifica frowned angrily at him. "Fine! You're all about uncovering the truth right? You'll be revealing whose kidnapping everyone."

"Well everyone would already know if they just listened to me! It's obviously the work of invisible vampires! Turns out it's all to fend off the martian raptors!"

Pacifica was starting to lose her patience, this guy aggravated her to no end. "How about you get to not make my job more difficult?!"

"And exactly what IS your job?"

The question caught Pacifica off guard. She knew she was there to help and basically learn the job but she wasn't sure exactly what she would call it. Sidekick? It didn't matter.

Pacifica grabbed Joe by his suspenders making him look her in the face right side up. "Alright Poindexter, I've entertained your delusions for long enough! You either help us or won't have a town left to droll your conspiracy theories to!! Now are you going to help us or not?!"

Joe swallowed a lump in his throat. "Yes Ma'am."

She let him go and he swung a little lower, Pacifica turned her attention back to the party but never noticed Joe accidentally hitting his head on the table. Pacifica spotted Dipper in the crowd and waved to him.

He was just few steps away from rejoining them when he got intercepted by a woman. She had on a long blue evening gown which seemed to hug her curves, black high heels which seemed impossibly tight for any woman with normal sized feet, and silver spider webbed earrings dangled off her earlobes. However, what was odd about this woman was her hair, it was blue. Completely and utterly blue.

Dipper seemed to be caught by surprise by this woman, even as she rested her hands on his chest seductively. Ignoring her suddenly tightened hands, Pacifica noticed Dipper's face had an odd expression on it. It wasn't nervousness, it wasn't embarrassment, she couldn't quite place the look but it was clear he wasn't enjoying the sudden attention from this mysterious new woman.

"Dipper Pines, I was wondering if I would ever see you again. It's so good to see you again." She caressed her hands on his chest as she spoke. "Care to join me for a dance as we catch up?"

Dipper threw up his hands as he suddenly backed away from the woman. "Ew! Ew! Ew! No! No! No!"

While every other man in the room looked at Dipper as if he was crazier than Joe, Pacifica found herself smiling at Dipper's rejection of the woman's advances. Something about the woman's shocked reaction made Pacifica feel good inside.

Dipper scooted his way through the crowd and rejoined Pacifica. "That was a close one. I see you found Joe...who is unconscious?"

"What?!"

Pacifica turned around to find Joe dangling helplessly in the air, swinging back and forth weakly.

"The nut bar must have hit his head on the table. Poor guy has always been a feather weight when it comes to this kind of stuff. Listen, I'll see if I can revive him while you keep an eye on the crowd." Dipper instructed.

Dipper cut Joe down with his dinosaur dagger and started to drag him off. "Hopefully it won't take too long to wake him up."

Pacifica eyed the crowd just long enough to see the mysterious woman making her way towards her. She didn't look happy.

"And exactly who are YOU supposed to be?! And what's your relationship with Dipper?!"

She clearly wasn't ready for any lengthy explanation Pacifica might have had to offer. The angry glint in her eye told Pacifica that she had to keep her answers short, polite, and quick. Pacifica took a deep breath to calm herself in order to give her a rational explanation. This was nothing new to her, Pacifica had done this with her parents so often it was practically second nature. The woman's patience was already running thin as she had her hands on her hips and was tapping her foot impatiently.

"I'm Pacifica, and not that it's any of your business, but Dipper hired me to help him with cases."

"Pacifica? Ha! Like that's a real name! Listen 'Blondie', whatever your relationship is with Dipper...don't go thinking you have a chance with him as long as I'm in the picture."

Pacifica glared at the woman. "And exactly what is that supposed to mean?!"

"Exactly what you think! I might not know everything about Dipper, but I know he can do better than a dumb Barbie girl like you! He deserves a girl like me!"

"Barbie?!" Pacifica roared.

"That's right, Barbie! Because you're just like one! Dumb, blonde, filled with plastic, and most importantly empty headed."

Pacifica considered herself a much nicer person in today's world, but that didn't mean she had turned in to a push over. Her 'claws' had never really gotten dull, she just kept them in reserve for people who were actually asking for it.

"Okay, first of all..." Pacifica's voice seemed icy cold, sending chills down the spines of everyone in hearing range. "Tramp, everything you see before you..." she gestured to all of herself. "Is one hundred percent real! Second of all, I wouldn't be the one bringing up hair colors with that dye in your hair! I mean, who do you think you are? Some type of Japanese Anime character?"

The woman sneered at Pacifica as she eyed her up and down, judging her. Finally she smirked when she came to a conclusion about her, she stood a little straighter and placed her arms under her breasts.

"Yeah right! If anybody here has hair that's the victim of a bottle it's you! Nobody's that blonde. Nice outfit by the way, did you sleep in those clothes or what? And here I thought dumb blondes were at least smart enough to change their clothes, but I guess that was my mistake."

The jab hit Pacifica a little closer to home than she was expecting, but it didn't take her long to recover and find a flaw for her to fight back with. "Big talk coming from a woman with muddy high heels. I mean, hello, take care of your shoes! Or do you just not care how trashy you look? I mean, were you so desperate to look tall that you got them out of the dumpster?"

The woman was shocked as she stared down at her own shoes then back at Pacifica. Almost as if she had revealed some kind of skeleton in her closet.

"I think we're done here." Pacifica smirked. "Unlike you, I have work to do...you know, with Dipper." Pacifica turned around and started to walk away. She'd still keep an eye on the party but she decided to do it away from this woman. She was a distraction and Pacifica felt like she needed to demonstrate that she could at least follow orders without getting sidetrack. However, she still looked back with a smirk on her face. "Oh, and one last thing. If I did have feelings for Dipper, and I'm not saying I do, but based on his reaction to you... I wouldn't feel threatened." She felt like she had successfully let her inner Queen Bee sting enough for the woman to leave her alone now. Pacifica turned her attention forward again as she started to search for a different vantage point.

"Oh I bet you think you know him pretty well, huh?" the woman called out.

Pacifica was surprised this woman still wanted to go at it, but she only let it slow her down at best.

"Well I know something I bet he never told you!" The woman grinned evilly. "I know his real name!"

Pacifica froze in her tracks. She tried to think when she might have learned Dipper's real name or when he might have actually told her but there was nothing. He couldn't have ACTUALLY been named Dipper, it was obviously a nickname. Still it raised a question, if Dipper wanted her around enough to travel with then why hadn't he told her his real name?

"Pacifica!!" Dipper called out. "Joe's up and he gave us a lead!! We got to investigate the forest!!"

"I'm..." Pacifica glanced back at the woman one more time. "I'm coming!!"

"And once again I'm back in forest filled with dirt, bugs, and other things guaranteed to leave a stain."

"Sigh. Pacifica, I do believe I've already mentioned that this job doesn't get pretty. You knew what you were getting in to."

These woods only seemed to worsen Pacifica's mood. It was warm, moist, almost swamp like; it annoyed her. The forest in Gravity Falls seemed like more of a forest in comparison, there seemed to be a certain harmony and balance, but there was none of that here. It was like a bunch of individual trees were thrown together in one place and forced to grow together.

"I don't like this place." Pacifica noted.

"There's nothing pleasant about this town." Dipper added.

"Not even that woman? She seemed to know you very well." Pacifica spoke with a certain level of bitterness.

"Her? Gross! I don't want that woman in my life anymore than she already is!" groaned Dipper.

Pacifica grinned at Dipper's answer, for reasons she wasn't quite willing to acknowledge. However, it still made her wonder what Dipper had against her. "Why? I don't think any of the other men in this town would have complained if she threw herself at them the way she did at you."

Dipper motioned for Pacifica to follow her. "I met her last time, and I didn't like who she turned out to be."

Pacifica gave a small smile as she followed him. "Really?"

"Oh yeah! She's the worst!"

Pacifica's smile seemed to disappear. There was familiar title. What if the woman turned out to be more like Pacifica then she wanted? Only acting a certain way due to pressures or anxieties.

"I seem to recall you saying the same thing about me when we were kids."

"Yeah but that's different! You were acting like that because of your parents, there's nothing redeemable about Edna."

"Edna?" Pacifica laughed. "That's her name?"

"I know. She doesn't look like an Edna, right?"

"Yeah, but what did you mean there's nothing redeemable?"

"Well you had your faults but you also turned out to be brave, resourceful, smart, and down right gutsy when you want to be." Pacifica blushed at the compliment. "Edna on the other hand, she looks down on people because she likes to. That everyone around her should feel honored just to be graced with her presence."

"I still don't understand. It feels like there's more to it than that."

"Let's see if I can put this in to a way you can understand......oh I know, Disney terms!"

"Disney terms?!"

What does Disney have to do with anything?' she thought.

Yeah! You were like Megera from Hercules but with Hades breathing down your neck more!"

Pacifica laughed lightly, she thought he was going to do a different comparison for her. The one he gave her wasn't as bad as she feared.

"For a minute there I thought you were going to compare me to Georgette."

"Who?"

"You know, from Oliver and Company?"

"Oh yeah! Surprised you remember that one, but no. I know it's been ten years and all, but if there's one thing I've learned about you it's that you aren't that bad. Pacifica, you are nobody's bitch! You're a lot nicer, you've become a good person Pacifica."

Pacifica wasn't quite sure how she was supposed to take that but she ultimately decided to take it as a compliment.

"Now Edna on the other hand, she's like Cruella De Ville...with a hunting license!"

"Yikes! What makes you say that?"

"Let's just say I've seen her without her makeup on. Now come on, we've wasted enough time talking smack about Edna. If things really are like last time then maybe the 'statues' will be in same place as last time too."

Pacifica still had questions but she held them back. They were still on a job and she had to focus on the task at hand.

They didn't have to go far, this forest was a lot smaller than the one by Gravity Falls. "Now over this hill is a clearing. There are no trees, just grass. This was where I found the statues last time."

"I thought you said you found the statues just outside the forest last time!"

"Technically, the clearing is outside the forest. There's literally like four trees after it. As soon as we see those statues, I'll be able to pick up this case right where I left off!"

However, as soon as they reached the top of the hill, Pacifica could see Dipper's disappointment on his face.

"There's nothing!"

Pacifica felt bad for Dipper as he ran down for a closer inspection, the feeling only got worse as he flailed his arms around in the chance the statues had somehow became invisible.

Pacifica finally decided to rejoin him when he slumped his shoulders in defeat.

"Are you okay, Dipper?"

"Just...disappointed. This is a huge set back. I mean we're practically back to square one. Meaning we're going to have a lot of work ahead of us."

Pacifica squinted her eyes. Past the trees, which were where Dipper said they were, she saw a cottage.

"Dipper is that the place where you said the woman lived? Maybe she saw something."

"That's what I thought last time. And unfortunately, just like last time it's a good place to start. Even if I'm not in the mood for another 'chat' with Edna."

"Edna? What's she got to do with...wait! SHE'S the woman living outside the forest?!"

Dipper scoffed at her surprise. "I bet you thought it was going to be some little old woman huh? No. That's how I first met Edna, for questioning."

Even if she wanted to avoid Edna as much as possible, it looked like she was going to have to go with Dipper to question her.

"Questioning huh? Is that how she found out about your 'real' name?"

"Oh for the love of..." Dipper threw his head back in frustration before hanging it in dismay. "Pacifica, she knows my real name because last time she 'found' my wallet!"

Pacifica let out a breath she hadn't been aware she holding. She frowned at her situation but accepted it none the less.

"Well we'll have to trek back then, because we left her at the rec center and..." Pacifica cut herself off as a blue figure emerged from the woods, heading towards the cottage. She instantly knew who she was.

"What? How is that possible? We left her behind! Even if she followed us there is now way how she could have..."

"Pacifica!" Dipper cut her off. "She isn't human! At least not anymore."

Pacifica turned to Dipper in surprise. The woman may have had blue hair but the fact that she made it look like it was dye said something to her ability to hide her true self.

"She's also our prime suspect!"

Omake

Dipper lowered himself down from the tree and landed in front of Pacifica. He started to fiddle with the dial when he noticed Pacifica was staring at him. He smiled.

"I know what you're thinking. Me, this gun and all its tricks. It reminds you of someone doesn't it?"

"Yeah! It actually does!" She smiled back at him.

Dipper moved a little closer to her. "Then tell me. Go ahead and say it. Who do I remind you of?"

"Starlord!"

Dipper's face fell. "Who?"

"You know, Starlord? Marvel superhero who also has a tricked out gun?"

He took a step back. "What? No! I thought I had a Indiana Jones/Dick Tracy vibe going on here!"

"Sorry, but no. With that thing having more gadgets than a Swiss army knife I gotta think Starlord."

Dipper sighed in aggravation before walking off, grumbling to himself. "Stupid Marvel, gotta ruin my fun. At least she didn't call me Judge Dredd....grumble grumble."

Pacifica watched Dipper's retreating form with concern. She didn't mean to injure his ego. "Dipper, I...the whip...I suppose...you know you do kind of..."

"Forget it!!" Dipper yelled back. "We were having a moment and you killed it!"

Pacifica frowned with worry. She bit her bottom lip as she tried to think about what she should do. "Dipper wait!!"

She ran after him.

"Come back! The fedora does remind me a little of Dick Tracy!"

Chapter Text

Dipper and Pacifica made their trek towards Edna's cottage, although the atmosphere was a little less professional than Dipper would have liked.

"Oh quit pouting! With any luck, this won't take too long!"

"I am not pouting! I just don't like this woman, that's all."

"Well that's fine. You are free to hate her as much as you want, just don't let it interfere with the job. We're supposed to be professionals so put the hostilities on ice."

Pacifica sighed in defeat. "Fine...what is she supposed to be anyways? You said she wasn't human, so what is she? A gorgon or something?"

"HA! Yeah, I wish she was something that simple! If she was a gorgon this case would already be closed."

"Then what is she?"

Dipper and Pacifica were almost on top of the cottage now, but Pacifica had been dragging behind slightly. Maybe it was because she was confused on what Edna actually was, or maybe it was because she really didn't want anymore interaction with her, but it certainly wasn't because she was enjoying a nice peaceful walk with Dipper without some crazy monster thing chasing them.

Dipper walked up the cottage steps. "To put it simply..." He knocked on the door three times. "She's a witch."

Pacifica barely had any time to react to this new information before the door opened up.

Opening the door, Edna seemed to be in a very irritated move...until she saw Dipper. "Dipper Pines, I was hoping you'd come to vis..."

Her mood turned sour as soon as she spotted Pacifica at the bottom of the steps. "Oh. You're with 'her'."

"That's right. Mind if we come in and ask you some questions?"

She gave him a playful smile.

"All business as usual, eh? Well YOU are welcome in my humble abode at anytime Dipper, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask that you keep your Dumb Blonde outside!"

"Hey!" snapped Pacifica.

"I'm afraid that's out of the question. Me and Sweetheart over there work as a team. It's either all of us or none of us."

"Sweetheart?!" Edna had practically screeched the word making Dipper flinch while Pacifica smirked triumphantly. "That dumb blonde like that isn't worthy of your time!! She's trash, Dipper!!"

Pacifica glared at Edna for the insult but it was nothing compared to the daggers Dipper was giving her.

"Listen, ya Sanderson Sister Knock Off..." Even Pacifica was surprised by how dangerous Dipper's tone suddenly shifted. "Who I work with and who I choose to spend my time with is my choice! She's my friend and quite frankly I can't say the same for you! I'm not here for you, I'm here to solve a case! Nothing more, nothing less! However, if all you're going to do is flirt with me and insult my friend then it's clear that we're wasting both of our time here!! Now did you see anything strange this time around or not?!"

Edna closed the door a little hiding behind it but with her face just barely poking out behind her. The icy cold stare she gave him spoke volumes as she stated a single word. "No."

Dipper raised his hat to her making sure to never break eye contact with her. "Then I thank you for your time!"

Without a second word he turned around and marched down the steps. "Come on Pacifica, let's get out of here!"

"What about questioning?"

"I've heard enough from that woman!"

As Edna watched Dipper and Pacifica disappear back in to the woods, she clenched her fist making her nails dug in to the wood of the door. "I will make you mine, Dipper Pines!"

Back in the forest, Dipper was having very little luck finding any clues. His bad mood only got worse as the search for clues continued to bear no fruit.

"You know Dipper..." Pacifica started. "You're kind of a hypocrite."

"Huh?" Dipper turned to face her for the first time since their march back in to the forest. "How am I a hypocrite?"

"You tell me to stay professional and to put away my hostilities, but when she starts insulting me that's when YOU lose it. I mean, I thought for sure you were going to slug her in the jaw there for a moment."

Dipper avoided her gaze. "Oh yeah...I'm sorry Pacifica, you're right. I guess I am a hypocrite. I get mad when somebody insults me but when somebody insults someone I care for then I lose my temper."

"Don't be sorry Dipper, I'm glad to have a friend who is willing to stick up for me!"

The two smiled at each other and Dipper found his mood beginning to lighten up. "Thanks Pacifica. Now come on, let's find some clues."

She followed him three steps behind, happy to have improved the atmosphere. "So what's first?"

Her answer came not from Dipper, but from his stomach. A loud stomach growl indicated that Dipper Pines was starting to pay for his choice of skipping breakfast.

Pacifica laughed a little. "How about we get some of those groceries you were talking about?"

"Uh..." Dipper suddenly seemed a little flustered about his predicament. "How about we just have lunch break instead?"

Pacifica stared at him silently, as if waiting for him to continue.

"I just hate to leave a job unfinished just so I can...'shop'. I usually save that stuff for when the case is closed."

"Jeez Dipper, don't you ever take a day off?"

Dipper scrunched his face in confusion, as if the idea was some type of strange foreign concept.

"D-Dai Oooofff?"

Pacifica laughed at Dipper's mispronunciation of the words, it reminded her of the first time Mabel had introduced her to sharing.

It's almost kind of cute.' she thought.

"Come on Mr. Detective, you can't think on an empty stomach."

As Pacifica walked in the direction back to town, Dipper stood staring at her retreating form. He looked over his shoulder at the rest of the forest and then back at Pacifica before coming to a decision.

"Pacifica, wait up!!"

Dipper and Pacifica had found a place to eat at Jack's Diner. They had found a table and a waitress brought them over a couple of menus.

It had a list of simple grill items, things such as hot dogs and burgers and the like. It all seemed pretty good to Dipper but looking up from his menu he saw that Pacifica seemed at a total loss with the food items.

"Having trouble?"

"No, I just...I just don't see where the caviar is listed. Is it on the back?"

Dipper laughed. "Are you serious? I know you were rich and everything but you do know they don't serve fancy rich people foods at fast food places, right?"

"Ahahaha..." Pacifica laughed nervously. "Of course I do! I mean come on...It's not like it's been a while since I've dined casually or anything!" Her eyes darted about nervously as she avoided his gaze. Feeling an awkward tension she quickly turned her attention back to the menu. "Blood pudding is still a desert at diners though, right?"

Dipper was about to say something when a ring tone of 'Taking Over Midnight' sounded off in one of his trench coat pockets.

"Hang on, that's Mabel." announced Dipper as he started to dig through his pockets.

"Mabel?"

"Yeah, we usually call each other every month to stay in touch. I mean, she is still my twin sister after all."

"Saved by the beep." Pacifica said under her breath.

After searching through several pockets Dipper finally found the correct one and dug out his phone. It seemed to be an old style flip cell phone, or at least it would if it didn't have extra wire coils and lights on it.

"Hello...yeah, I'm here with someone so I can't really talk at the moment... yeah... yes I found someone to work with... Gravity Falls...it's Pacifica Northwest." Dipper suddenly held the phone at arms length as a girly scream shrieked through it. "OH for the love of..." Dipper pressed a button on it, hanging up on his sister. "I can't talk to her when she's like that! I swear the more things change the more they stay the same!!"

Pacifica laughed lightly. "I see Mabel hasn't changed."

"Pretty much. I don't know if I've already told you this or not, but i originally made the same offer I made to you with Mabel. However, Mabel had turned me down, she said she had enough of scary things in her life and frankly I couldn't blame her. She was ready to move on with her life but me? I wasn't done yet. I felt like this world still had more mysteries to offer me. Mysteries which only I had the proper mental grasp to solve, so I turned that in to a career. She did always go on about how I should find help, someone to watch my back..."

"Basically help you out."

"Yes! A partner of sorts, because according to her this job is 'too dangerous to do solo'."

"She kind of has a point."

"I suppose, but I could never find anyone good enough who could fit the bill..." He smiled at her. "Until I crossed paths with you again."

Pacifica blushed with a smile. "Dipper I..."

"Hello there, are you two ready to order." the waitress chimed in.

"I don't think I'm quite re..." Pacifica trailed off as she saw their 'waitress' was actually Joe in a waitress outfit. Complete with skirt, apron, and beehive wig. "What are you..."

"Hello Joe, me and the lady will have two hot dogs and some chili fries to split."

Joe wrote down the order on his little waitress notepad. "Well okay, we'll bring that right up for you Hon...wait a second!! You saw through my disguise?!"

"You don't have the legs for it Joe. Accept it!" Dipper said flatly.

"Grrrr! Fine!! I was just wearing it because I needed to talk to you!!"

"You shouldn't need a dress for that, Joe." chided Pacifica.

Joe was about to go in to a big rant to defend his disguise when Dipper cleared his throat. Dipper knew that Joe wouldn't be using one of his 'disguises' unless it was important.

"What did you have to say Joe?"

"You guys left the forest too soon! I've been thinking, and there is something unusual that might be connected to the disappearances."

"And you needed a disguise to relay this information?" asked Pacifica.

"Yes!! Because you never know who may be listening! Like the trees, they want you to think they're just inanimate!"

"The what?"

Dipper held up his hand before Pacifica could ask Joe to explain. "Don't. Just... just don't encourage this."

"Of course you would know all about that wouldn't you, Blondie! The question is, who's side are you on? The whispering trees? Or the pygmy squirrels?"

Pacifica was about to shoot an insult at Joe but Dipper managed to intervene.

"Joe, you wouldn't happen to be related to someone who used to live in Gravity Falls named Old Man McGucket, would you?" asked Dipper.

"Who?"

"Eh, worth a shot." Dipper shrugged helplessly. "So what is it?"

"There has been singing going on in the forest. I never noticed it before, but my friend who got taken last time said he heard the same singing before he went missing."

"And you're afraid your friend might be next?" asked Dipper.

"What?" Joe shifted his eyes nervously. "Don't be ridiculous, I always know the truth so of course I can keep him safe!"

Joe started to sweat nervously and Pacifica scooted a little farther away from him.

"Of course you can, Joe. Now exactly where in the forest was this?"

"The west side, towards the river."

"Okay, we've been searching the north side. We'll get on it right after we eat."

The west side of the forest didn't seem that different from the north, it still gave Pacifica the creeps, the only difference she could spot was that there was more moss on the trees. They trudged through it though, searching for anything out of the ordinary which could help them on their case.

"So was it just me, or did Joe seem a little off? You know, for Joe? I mean before he was talking about knowing everything behind this case and now he's trying to help us. What's his deal?"

"He's just scared. He has one friend who entertains his delusions. He lost him last time and doesn't want to lose him again. He knows his 'theories' aren't going to be enough to protect those he cares about. In his own way, he was asking for help."

"I don't know, I think he still might...wait, Dipper is Joe a suspect?"

"I really hope not." Dipper flatly said. "No. I would say Joe just had a healthy dosage of reality. A quick talk with his friend probably woke him up to the fact they were both in danger."

As much as she hated to admit it, it seemed to make sense. Well, for something that involved Joe anyways.

"You mentioned earlier Edna was the prime suspect, are there any others?"

"Just one...Joe's father."

Pacifica looked at Dipper with surprise. "What? Really?"

"Joe's father is a sculptor, it isn't impossible that he someone got involved with something paranormal."

"So why aren't we investigating him?"

"Because he's also tragically insane. Not on a dangerous level but just enough so that he isn't always aware of his actions. This is why Joe is a conspiracy nut, he didn't want to face the fact that his own father had lost his mind so he blames it on the government."

"Wow, I didn't think Joe could have problems like that."

"First rule of investigation, never judge a book by it's cover."

Dipper suddenly stopped. "Wait! Pacifica, do you hear that?"

She paused and listened silently and found there was something. It was very feint but it was there, just barely noticeable.

"Is that...singing?"

"Sounds like it's a good deal away. Okay, so here's what we do; we proceed quickly but quietly. Try to see this person before they see us."

The proceeded very carefully, avoiding things like twigs and other things likely to make too much noise.

"So..." Pacifica said in a low voice. "If Edna is a witch, then why isn't she green and like covered in warts?"

"That stuff is just Hollywood, Sweetheart. The truth is the more beautiful a witch is the more powerful she is."

"So she's like juiced up or something?"

"Yes and no. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and to me she's a skank."

Pacifica smiled at Dipper's trash talk of their prime suspect.

"Does she ride a broom or anything?"

"Not that I know of...I know she does a lot of potions and spells."

"Is that why she has blue hair?"

"Doubt it. She's performed so much magic on herself that the form she shows everyone isn't even what she really looks like. That's the price of her magic, the more potions and spells and what not she does... the more repercussions it has on her body. When I went to investigate her, I saw what she really looked like through a window."

"Was she old and ugly or something?" Pacifica asked with a hint of hope in her voice.

"What I saw, was terrible. Whatever part of her which was human, she killed it a long time ago. She had spider legs, a monster head, and claws."

"Claws?"

"Yeah, like a crab or a scorpion. That's why I don't think she qualifies as human anymore. Nothing 'human' can look like that. She's down right horrifying!"

"Then why don't you arrest her?"

"Yeah. Remember when I called her 'Cruella Deville with a hunting license'? That's because technically she's not doing anything illegal."

"Oh you've got to be kidding me!"

"Sigh. Nope. Maybe if she was handling her magic like an addict or something, maybe THEN I could do something...but altering her appearance doesn't really hurt anybody. It's unsettling to view but she's an adult capable of her own decisions and...oh you know how the rest of spiel goes."

Pacifica was about to ask another question when Dipper threw out his hand, stopping her.

"What is it?"

"Do you hear that?" Dipper asked.

Pacifica strained her ears to hear whatever was wrong. "The singing has stopped!"

"No it's more than that. There's nothing! No birds chirping, no squirrels scurrying about, nothing! The forest is silent, dead silent! Something's here with us... we're being watched."

"So what do we do?" Pacifica whispered.

"Just be very careful, act casual, and stay alert." Dipper whispered back.

He put down his hand and spoke louder. "Pacifica, last time I was here I found an unusual river! Let's go there and see if there's anything different about it this time!!"

"Sure Dipper, I'm sure we'll find some clues there!" Pacifica said it a little louder than Dipper had wanted but there wasn't much he could do about it. He rolled his eyes and lead the way.

Eventually they came across what could be considered by some as a giant ditch or some type of dug out. From it's depth to it's top it was shaped in semi-circle.

"What is this?" Pacifica asked.

"This is a dried up river I came across last time. I told you it was unusual... but there does seem something different about it this time though."

Pacifica was a little too distracted to pay it any attention, she searching the trees for whatever was watching them. "So it's a dried up river. Big deal. What's that got to do with anything?" She got no answer. "Dipper?"

Just as she turned around Dipper jumped down below.

"Dipper, what are you doing?!"

"Get down here!! There actually is a clue down here!!" Dipper shouted.

Pacifica peered over the ledge to what she liked to call 'the ditch', Dipper seemed to be hunched over something. She scanned the trees one more time before turning her attention to Dipper. He seemed to be fiddling with something in the dirt.

"Sigh. So much for my last set of clean clothes."

She slid down the wall of the river, using her hand to slow her descent. She seemed to stir up some dust on her way down, much to her disgust. A quick dusting of herself on the bottom let her focus back at the matter at hand.

"So what is it?"

"It's mud!!" Dipper cheered. "Finally!! We got our first REAL clue!!"

Pacifica stared at him vacillatingly. "Maybe I haven't been an Apprentice Detective or whatever you want to call it for very long, but exactly how is mud a clue?"

"It's a dried up river Pacifica! Emphasis on 'dried up'! How is there mud here? Do you remember there every being any rain? This mud has no business being here!"

At first Pacifica had her doubts but there did seem to be something odd about it. It didn't seem to be just a patch either, it seemed to stretch down in to the distance almost as if the river had only recently dried up. In the mud she thought she spotted something, something blueish grey just barely poking out of the mud.

"Wait, Dipper...what's that over there?"

Dipper squinted his eyes in the direction Pacifica was pointing in, about a foot away he spotted it.

Dipper went over to inspect it. It didn't seem to resemble anything out of the ordinary, yet somehow it seemed misplaced in it's location. Seemed to be worthy of at least a first hand look. He pulled on it. Didn't move. He pushed some of the mud around it off and found it to be a stone hand.

"Pacifica!! This is it!! Our culprit must have stashed the statues in this mud!! Oh we're going to need shovels."

"Dipper!" Pacifica scolded. "What about that whole 'being watched' business? Don't you think we should handle that first?!" she whispered harshly.

"Oh right, that. I don't think we need to worry about that by now."

"Excuse me?! Sounded pretty important when you brought it up!!"

Dipper turned to face the angry Pacifica but laughed when he saw she was making her 'Ugh!' face again. She didn't say anything this time but put her balled up fists on her hip glaring at him. Dipper's laughing immediately died with her glare accompanying an impatient foot tapping.

"Oh please, by now they know that we know. So that means they need to play out their next move carefully."

While Dipper seemed down right smug while explaining his 'spy' logic to her, Pacifica heard the faintest sound of the singing starting up again.

"By the time we get back to town, whoever it is will have hightailed back to their hideout to plot out their next move and..."

*BLURP!**BUBBLE!**BUBBLE!*

Turning their attention back to the stone hand they saw the entire statue pulling itself out of the mud.

"Or they could just make their move now!!"

Soon more statues started crawling towards them out of the mud. Pacifica wasn't even sure exactly when she had hid behind Dipper but she knew she got there awfully fast.

"Dipper, this is starting to look an awful lot like a zombie movie!!"

"Zombie move... please, those things are so unrealistic. I wish zombies moved that slow!"

"Wait...what?"

"Besides, I'm willing to bet stone statues are a lot harder to put down." Dipper took out his gun and adjusted the dial for the whip.

Dipper swung his whip cracking it once against the ground, swinging it again it caught one of the statues by it's leg. However, instead of wrapping around it, the goop swallowed the leg from the ankle down. With a hard yank Dipper sent the statue falling on to it's back. The mud seemed to cushion it's fall, preventing it from shattering.

"Try not to break them! They're still people! Well...probably anyways."

With a second yank the goop whip retracted back to Dipper.

"I don't think that's going to be a problem! Especially since I have NOTHING to break them with!!" Pacifica snapped.

Dipper turned his head to see Pacifica still hiding behind him.

"Oh yeah...I never armed you." Dipper deadpanned. "Sorry about that! Here!"

Dipper dug in to one of his trench coat pockets and handed her a set of brass knuckles. She put on the knuckles but not before giving Dipper a befuddled look.

"You're a detective!!" She gave a statue an uppercut to the jaw sending it stumbling back. "An officer of the law!!" She delivered a left hook to a statue on her right trying to charge her. "What are you doing with brass knuckles?!" She threw up her right hand hitting a statue behind her.

"It's my inheritance, Grunkle Stan left them to me in his will!!"

"Your family..." A right cross from Pacifica made another statue stumble in to another, making them both tumble to the ground. "Has some wildcard surprises hiding up their sleeves!!"

Dipper used his whip to spin a wrapped statue away. "You get used to it."

Pacifica hadn't much combat in her life but she seemed to be fairing okay, although the statues did seem to be focusing most of their attacks on Dipper.

She knocked one on to it's back only for it to start to get back up again. She hit it again in the head sending it back down, just as it started to sit up she hit a third time.

"Dipper, these things won't stay down!! We might have to run for it! Do you have anymore of those flash bomb things?"

Sending another statue flying in to another he spared Pacifica a glance. "Somehow I doubt it will work against an enemy which has pebbles for eyes!!"

One was about to grab Dipper from behind but Pacifica tackled it in to the mud and started wailing on it with the brass knuckles. "What's that supposed to mean?! They can't see or something?!"

"What? Wait..." One of the statues made a lunge at Dipper. "Maybe they can't see..." Dipper sidestepped the statue and it ran right past him. "Pacifica!! You're right!! They're fighting blind!!"

One of the fallen statues grabbed Pacifica by her ankle making her fall face first in to the mud. She lifted her head to give Dipper a mud covered glare. "Dipper, do you have any idea how stupid that sounds?!"

"No really!" Dipper stopped going on the offensive and just started dodging them. "I think they're getting orders somehow!!"

Pacifica kicked the statue off and scrambled to her feet. "How?! In what way could they possibly be receiving orders?"

Dipper paused in silence as he considered that question. In that silent pause he heard the singing again very faintly.

"It's the singing! It has to be!"

Pacifica had quickly rejoined Dipper's side although the statues continued to close in on them. His attention, however, was focused on his gun as he adjusted it out of his whip mode. "Dipper, what if you're wrong about that?!"

"Pacifica, sometimes when you're a detective you've just got to trust your gut!"

"Well what are we going to do now?!"

"For now we're going to have to put some distance between us and this horde! And that starts by getting to the back of it!"

Dipper grabbed Pacifica by the hand and ran past the statues with her, just barely dodging their grabs and lunges. They had more than a couple of close calls, they even had to leap over one as it tried to nab them with a flying grab.

They had made it to the back, just like Dipper planned but the statues were giving them close pursuit.

"Okay Smart Guy, now what?"

"Now..." Dipper slid to a stop in the mud as he turned to face the statues. He let go of Pacifica's hand and took careful aim with his gun. "We stop these things in their tracks!"

*PLOOT!**PLOOT!**PLOOT!*PLOOOT!*

Four shots from Dipper's gun hit the ground, each one encasing five statues at their feet to the ground. They struggled to move forward but found it impossible.

"Okay, that should hold them for now but it isn't going to last forever! We just got to get some distance between us and them and we should be fine!"

For a second time he grabbed her by the hand and dashed off down the dried up river.

"Dipper! Where are we even going to go?!"

"Someplace safe where we can plan out our next move! Maybe the RV!"

They finally slowed to a stop when Dipper spotted a sturdy ledge on the top of the river wall. Hanging underneath was a large tree root which looked sturdy enough to use as a handhold.

"Okay, here's the plan," Dipper announced, "I give you a leg up so you can climb out with that root, the top looks sturdier there than where we've already seen so it can probably sustain your weight. Then I need you to go find a branch or something so then I can climb out."

"Um..." Pacifica blushed. "One little problem with that." She stared down at her skirt a little awkwardly.

Dipper followed her gaze and then slapped his forehead out of frustration. "Really?! You're pulling that now?!"

Pacifica shook her head, shaking away the awkward embarrassment she was feeling. "You're right! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!! We're both adults here! I don't have a problem with this!"

They got to work immediately, however, just as Pacifica grabbed the root to climb up neither of them noticed a mud puddle on the opposite wall starting to bubble. Another statue crawled out of the mud and started moving towards them.

Pacifica had reached the top and turned around just in time to see the statue behind Dipper ready to strike.

"DIPPER!!! LOOK OUT!!!"

Dipper turned around with barely enough time to see the statue. A quick blow to the head and Dipper fell limp to the ground, the statue threw Dipper over his shoulder and started to carry him back to the bit of mud it crawled out from.

Pacifica hurried to climb back down to save Dipper but it was no good! She was just too slow!

"DIPPER!!!"

Standing in front of the mud puddle the statue waited patiently as all the mud seemed to drain away revealing a long tunnel leading downward. Pacifica landed on the ground with an ungraceful *THUD!*, she had embarrassingly tripped on her climb down, she forced herself through the pain to make herself to stand up. The statue started to walk down the tunnel just as Pacifica started to scramble after them. As the statue and Dipper disappeared out of sight down the tunnel, the roof to the entrance started to crumble, promising to seal the entrance behind them.

She didn't know if she could catch up to them in time, or if she could even do anything to save Dipper, but she had to try. Just as the entrance started to collapse Pacifica made a mad dive through the air in to the entrance just in time as it crumbled behind her. She would have liked it if she had stopped there but the mud on the ground caused her to continue her momentum as she slid further down on her belly.

When she finally stopped, she stood up and gave a shudder of repulsion. She looked back at the wall of crumbled earth behind her, if she had been even a fraction of a second late with her jump she would have been dead right now.

She stared up at the ceiling and shook her head. "This is the new life you have chosen Pacifica!"

Without further delay she raced down the tunnel, ignoring her aching body. The tunnel was dark but she could see just enough to make sure she didn't run in to anything which could trip her up.

She had to stop when she heard footsteps coming to stop from around the next corner. It had to be the statue, she knew it, but now that she had caught up to it she wasn't sure how she was supposed to rescue Dipper from it. Her best hope was to try and sneak him away.

She quietly peered around the corner and sure enough, there was the statue with Dipper slung over it's shoulder. The statue didn't seem to be moving at all, it just was stood completely motionless as if it were waiting for something.

She silently sneaked closer to it, it had no reaction. She slowly reached her hand up to Dipper in an attempt at grabbing him.

Then, without warning, some mud wrapped around the statue's feet as tendrils and before Pacifica could react it shot down the tunnel as if something were pulling it's entire being. The speed from which it traveled caused a wave of mud to shoot up an cover Pacifica from head to toe in it.

She angrily wiped some mud from her eyes and growled in frustration. "Of course! Why wouldn't that happen?! Not like this is my only outfit or anything!! Sigh...I swear, the first set of clothes I buy when this is over is going to be a pair of overalls."

She took a moment to shake some of the mud off and then started down the path again. The further she went the deeper the mud seemed to get, it went as far as up to her waist, much to her horror.

After what seemed like an eternity she finally found an exit, the sunlight was a welcome change. It lead out to a slanted hill, it's fresh green grass indicated a lack of mud.

"Finally, someplace dry!"

She trudged herself out of the mud and up the hill. Surveying her surroundings she found herself back in the north part of the forest. She didn't see the statue carrying Dipper anywhere.

"I know it took off like a rocket but it can't have gotten that far!"

In the distance she spotted Edna's cottage but there was something else. She squinted her eyes and saw something blueish gray standing in front of another blue figure. One of them had to be the statue with Dipper, which meant that the other...

"That bitch of a witch!! I knew it was her!! I knew she was behind this!!" She paused for a moment and thought silently. "Okay, so maybe I just wanted it to be her behind all this. Either way, I'm coming for you Dipper!!"

Dipper awoke in a daze, his head was pounding. He tried to bring his hand to his head to try and stop the dizziness he was feeling but found himself unable to do so. He looked at his hand to find it chained to the wall, his other hand was just the same.

Surveying his surroundings, Dipper saw that he appeared to be inside Edna's cottage.

"Edna...I knew it!!" Dipper swore under his breath as he experimented with his chains, seeing if there were any weak links in the chains he could take advantage of.

Dipper thought he saw some motion from the corner of his eye. He looked to the window and saw Pacifica peering in, she seemed to be waiting for him to give her some kind of signal to come in and save him.

A voice called out from the other room. "Sounds like somebody's awake!"

Dipper motioned for Pacifica to stay down for now. This could be his only chance for an actual interrogation.

Edna had walked in to the room but had stopped at the doorway. She leaned against the arch as she eyed Dipper up and down.

"I always knew you and me would end up in chains." she said.

"Edna! I knew you were behind this!"

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Really?"

"Well no, not really. I suspected you and wanted you to be the culprit but I thought it would have been too convenient. You were the prime suspect but I couldn't really do anything without evidence."

"That's what I love about you Dipper, you're always so smart. And unlike everyone else in this town you're not a coward."

"Well if it's brains you're looking for I could introduce to some old nerd friends who would be tickled pink to go out with a dame like you...provided you like the board game Dungeons, Dungeons, & More Dungeons. It's kind of a requirement with them."

Her face soured. "Speaking of brains, or rather lack there of, let's talk about your airhead friend!"

She walked over to him menacingly, her fingernails seemed to get longer the closer she got to him. However, Dipper didn't flinch, he didn't even seemed concerned.

"Actually she's not an airhead. That's just you flinging stereotype labels around."

She was face to face with him now. There was no lust in her face as she looked at him in the eye this time, she folded her arms under her breasts emphasizing her sour mood.

"I need to know! Why would you choose to spend any time with someone like her when you could have been spending the time of your life with a woman like me?"

"Well let's see..." Dipper grinned. "She's smart, funny, resourceful, has a good head on her shoulder, and has a variety of actually useful skills." Edna gritted her teeth as Dipper listed off Pacifica's admirable traits. "Now you on the other hand... you're condescending, you can't take a hint, you're self righteous, self absorbed, vain, short tempered, spoiled, and that's not even mentioning the illegal stuff you're doing right now! I keep my time with you to a minimum Toots, because you're just bad news."

Dipper leaned forward with a grin, it was time to deliver the cherry on top.

"And because, unlike some other people..." Dipper blew some of her bangs away from her face revealing a black widow hourglass symbol. "I know what it's like to hide something on your forehead."

Omake

"For the last time..." Joe whined. "You have to let me go home! I'm not actually a waitress here, this is just a disguise!!"

The burly chef glared at him from behind the kitchen window. "And I'm telling YOU, you have to do the shift! My restaurant! My rules! And my most importantly, that outfit you stole when my back was turned is company property! Quite frankly you should be happy I'm just making you work instead of calling the cops! By the way, why didn't you take the male uniform I had left next to the one you took?"

"Uhhh... You just want to keep me here so I won't be able to tell the world about how Hitler's mustache was actually just well groomed nose hair!!"

"Listen! If you want to be confused about your gender then that's fine; but do it as you deliver these orders to tables nine, thirteen, and twelve!"

The chef placed a dish in each of Joe's hands followed by one on top of his beehive wig.

"Where did you get the wig, Joe?"

"I'm wearing a wig?!"

"Forget it. Just deliver the orders and refill the mustard on table 3."

Joe wabbled out for the tables doing his best to keep his balance and not drop any of the dishes.

"You can't keep me here forever! I will make sure the world knows the truth about the Jurassic Genie Carrot Conspiracy!"

Chapter Text

Dipper smiled at Edna's shocked reaction. "I'm going to go out on a limb and say that has something to do with a visit to Mystery Mountain."

"Impossible!!" Edna snapped. She took a couple of steps back in surprise. "How could you have possibly known that I went there?!"

"Oh I've been there more than once. Although I gotta admit, my last visit was certainly more enjoyable than my first."

Flashback

Darlene sweated nervously in her ticket booth as Dipper continued his paperwork on a clipboard.

"So...Darlene," Dipper had said her name with such an icy tone to it that it gave Darlene chills. "Do you hereby consent to never consume a human ever again and hereby promise to only use your abilities/powers on animals for the purposes of your ecological and physical survival?"

"I pretty much have to Sug. 'New Raccoon Mummies Daily' might not draw in as many customers as regular mummies but it's better than getting locked in a cell."

"Good. So long as the public is no longer in danger and you agree to our terms then you're free to continue business here. So be careful where you step with those eight legs."

"I will! I promise!"

"Good!" Dipper said with a smile. "Then there's only one last piece of personal business to take care of."

Then without warning Dipper bopped Darlene on the head with a rolled up newspaper. Maybe it was the force of the impact or just the surprise itself, but Darlene nearly fell from where she stood.

"Ow! What was that for?!"

"THAT WAS FOR GRUNKLE STAN!!"

End Flashback

"Would like to explain why you went there? Or did you just want to see some new mummies? In fact how about a full Q&A? I never did get to ask you my questions for the investigation. So what do you say? Want to fill me in on everything?"

Edna didn't appreciate Dipper's tone but she didn't let it bother her. "I never could deny you anything, Dipper."

"Then how about you let me go?" Dipper asked hopefully.

Edna lowered her eyes halfway. "How about 'no'?"

"Aw crap!" Dipper swore. "Worth a shot."

"I heard about some odd webs in their woods through the grapevine. Sounded like it had potential to be an interesting potion ingredient so I went to see if I could collect some. And guess what happened?"

"I'm going to go out on a limb and say you had a run in with Drider Darlene..."

Edna scrunched her face in confusion. "Drider?"

"Drider. Basically what she is. I call her Drider Darlene because she's terrible. I'm going to guess that was also how your meeting with her went."

"Well it wasn't planned if that's what you mean. I found some of the spider webbing I was looking for by accidentally walking in to it, that's when the Drider Ditz popped in and kidnapped me back to her layer. She tried to eat me!!" Edna snapped.

"I thought she only ate men."

"No she only lures men, turns out she's not that much of a picky eater. She's still terrible though..."

Dipper shrugged. "Naturally."

"Putting me in a web cocoon and talking about injecting me with venom, I was never more afraid in my life; I thought I was going to die!!!"

"Must have happened before I had my little 'talk' with her." Dipper mused.

"Obviously!! I was in a panic to get out, I had only one option. I knew spiders don't stick to their own webbing thanks to a special oil their bodies create, I figured Darlene wasn't any different. As soon as she left to find a 'side dish' I set to work immediately. Since the webbing came from her I tried to use it as a base for my body altering magic so it could be more like her's, that way I could slip out. It worked, but there was a side effect on my true self..."

"You ended up with spider legs!"

Dipper felt happy he actually got an answer to something he was wondering about but it didn't stop Edna from giving him the evil eye.

"Dipper Pines...how did you know about that? Were you spying on me?!"

"Not intentionally. Last time I came to this town I had swung by here to ask you some questions and saw your real self through that window." Dipper pointed to window he had seen Pacifica in. There was no blonde top of hair poking out from the bottom of the window so she must have left but he hoped she was busy formulating some type of rescue plan for him. "Could have called you out right there and then, but as detective I need evidence for everything so throwing accusations around without any proof would have been a waste of time for both of us. And it didn't quite feel right to question a woman who hadn't put on her 'face' yet."

She glared at him dangerously. "A gentleman should never see a lady without her makeup on, Dipper."

"Well I'm sorry, it isn't like I planned it. So why didn't you just alter they symbol away? I mean this is how you decide to look so why not just decide to do away with the symbol?"

"Trust me, I've tried! It's permanent no matter what form I take! I even tried using good old fashioned cover up on it and the symbol melted it off somehow!! All thanks to that woman!"

"I'm surprised you didn't vow some type of vendetta against Darlene."

"Oh don't worry! She'll get what's coming to her, as soon as my forces are strong enough!"

"So is that why you've been turning people in to statues?"

"One of the reasons anyways. I know that if I'm going to take her down I'm going to need nothing short of an army. She loves to set traps, or at least she did when I saw her. I know a visit from you can change a woman♥. However, I've found the only way to make these stone statues mobile and obedient is through my singing."

"Yeah, how did you pull that off? That's actually a new one on me if you can believe it."

"I had to inhale fumes from a special potion I made to enchant my vocal cords. This is also how I got new statues. I used my singing to lure any man curious enough to investigate and then I turn them to stone with my projectile webbing."

"I'm sorry, did you just say 'projectile webbing'?"

"Yes, that's a combination of the side effect from the webbing alterations I gave myself to escape and the other alterations to myself that were already in place. Of course back then I hadn't quite grasped controlling them very well, it was an art which was going to need a lot of practice." She turned to her window and stared out through it. "I did unfortunately have more free time on my hands to learn it since capturing men and turning them in to statues seems to be the only way I can get the attention from this town I so rightly deserve."

Dipper stared at her silently for a moment. Giving her a curious look, almost as if she had told him some type of strange riddle he had never heard before.

"Congratulations Edna, I'm an experienced detective, well versed in deduct reasoning and analysis... and you just completely lost me. What in the world are you talking about witch?!"

There was something about Dipper's response Edna liked; she turned back to him and gave him a coy smile.

"I'm more powerful than any mere human, and more beautiful too. I should be adored, worshiped even! However, in this town I can't even get a date!"

"I find that hard to believe!"

Edna lowered her eyes tiredly.

"Don't. The people in this town are complete cowards remember? All the men are too afraid of my beauty to make a move. Not that the women are any braver but that's not my point."

"Then why don't you make a move?!" Dipper was starting to get irritated. He was supposed to be investigating her, not having a discussion about her love life.

"I do, but they're either too afraid to say yes or they just end up running away because I 'stare at them like some kind of predator'. Bunch of yellow cowards..."

Dipper rolled his eyes. Somehow, as usual, Edna had turned the whole conversation in to a discussion about her. Dipper hated this town too, without mercy even, but hearing Edna complain about it frustrated him for some reason. Maybe it was the shackles, Dipper never liked being locked up in any sense of the word. However, the more likely answer was how Edna, while eyeing him like a piece of meat, kept waiting for him to react like she was the victim of some terrible tragedy.

"Cry me a river, Edna! How about we get back on track? Revenge on Darlene I could understand, but what does turning the men in to stone statues have to do with your love life?!"

"Well the statues themselves actually serve multiple purposes, I can turn them back to human whenever I like. I can even do partial changes like a hand or something. Suddenly I wasn't so lonely anymore. For some I even offer a window out, in exchange for 'services' to myself and..."

"Please don't!" Dipper cut in. "I get the picture; but you know there's something not right with you though right? In the head? There has to be. I mean do you have any idea how you sound right now?! All these spells and potions; they've done more than just given you a pretty body to show people, everything you've ever had on the inside, everything who you ever were has been twisted by it. I'm not even sure there's anything left about you that's human. I mean for pity's sake, do YOU even understand the magic you're using?! Because it sounds like it has more repercussions than it's worth!"

She tapper her chin with her finger thoughtfully. Of course this was done with her hand which had the lengthened fingernails so it created a tension of unease with him.

"You're right Dipper...the magic I use on myself has changed me more on the inside than you think. The price of this beauty has had a side effect on my biological clock, if I ever want to have little witchlings I need to act soon."

She placed a hand on her hip and gave him a lustful look.

"Not what I mean ya... Wait...you mean..."

"That's right! Soon I'll be going through menopause... which brings me to why you're chained up in my house."

Dipper paled, it was all starting to fall in to place and he didn't like how it was looking.

"........Oh no no no no no no no no no no! Tell me this isn't going in the direction I think it is!"

She gave him what others must have referred to as that 'predatory smile'. Dipper jumped a little at the sight of it.

"Afraid so 'detective'. I've been harboring feelings for you for quite some time now."

"No kidding!!" Dipper quipped sarcastically.

"It all started innocently enough..."

"There is NOTHING innocent about you!!" Dipper snapped.

Edna ignored him as she stared off wistfully. "I just wanted to accumulate my stone army to stomp a bug... er... arachnid, whatever."

He knew it was futile but he started to struggle against his chains.

"Okay, now would be a really great time for a certain friend to come to my rescue!!" Dipper waited for a moment but he only got silence. "Doesn't even need to have a dramatic entrance...................................aw marbles."

He had to get out of here as quickly as possible. He thought maybe if he could reach down to his pocket he could pull out his President's Key, however his chains didn't seem to go that far.

"Then you came to town. The man of mystery on a mission, you were so different from the regular men of this town. So confident and smart..."

"Please stop. This is getting more uncomfortable than the shackles, and they're cutting in to my wrists!"

His pleas fell on deaf ears as she continued her little 'dramatic' speech.

"Too smart as it turns out, you were getting too close for comfort in solving the case. I couldn't risk exposure at that time, not until i could control the statues better anyways. It was clear that I was going to need more time to plan on how to 'acquire' you. A man with the will of titanium is attractive but not easily obtained, so I needed a patsy to take the fall for me and throw you off my trail until I could be ready to make you mine. I did some research and found a creature which would be perfect to take the blame."

"The Iron Bull!"

"Yes, he was the only thing which fit in to my escape clause. A simple summoning ritual was all it took to teleport him here, not that his locals seemed to mind, they seemed to downright rejoiced his absence! I set him off in to the woods where I knew you would find him, I knew you wouldn't believe it would be behind the disappearances but the town would."

"And I would be forced on my way; but what about Darlene? I doubt you would let such an 'offense' against you go."

"Don't be mistaken Dipper, I will still get my revenge on her, if a labored one. It simply takes a back seat to creating a 'family' for myself, with your smarts and my magic our children would be unstoppable!" She stopped her rant for a moment and thought quietly to herself for a moment. "Then again, capturing you did turn out to be a lot easier than I thought it would be. Even had to take down some of the elaborate traps I made for you..."

She trailed off in thought as she silently mused her choices in men. Ultimately she shrugged it off and focused her attention back on him.

"Oh well, nobody's perfect, not even you my darling Dipper. Although, as I previously found out with some poor sap with a broken down car, you won't survive the intercourse."

Dipper was now frantically pulling on his chains while Edna took a couple of steps closer to him. He had to stop when he felt her elongated fingernail tracing up his body.

"I guess the black widow mark isn't just there for show huh?" His glare towards her told her a lot, he wasn't happy with this, he wasn't going to submit to it, and most importantly...he wasn't going to forget it.

However, Dipper still had to move his head back when her finger started to go up his neck. "I know the idea can be a bit of a mood killer, but still..." she quickly trailed her fingernail off his body cutting his neck. "There are worse ways to go."

Dipper winced from the fresh wound, he could feel himself starting to bleed.

"Sorry but evil is kind of a turn off for me!" Dipper shot. "It's not me, it's you!!"

"That's not a problem." She turned her attention to the other room she came in from. It was a rustic yet simple kitchen, but there were some strange noticeable things. Like the giant cauldron on the floor for one thing, or the spice rack on the counter filled with shakers which Dipper doubted had spices in them. Especially since some of the shakers seemed to be glowing "I can cook up a potion to fix that. I even found a potion to make the statues forget about their little 'escapades' when I free them, in the form of a polish if you can believe it."

"Oh great, they get to be shiny while they're enslaved!!"

"Oh don't look so angry, I..."

Edna stopped mid-sentence as a light shined in through her window in to her face. It was really blinding at first but then a sound started to accompany it.

"What the Hell is that?!"

*VRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!*

"Sounds like my rescue." Dipper said with a grin. He pressed his back against the wall and braced for impact.

Before Edna could ask what he was doing, the front end of an RV crashed through her window sending her flying across the room. She hit the wall with a sickening *CRACK!* before landing limply on the floor.

Dipper started coughing from the smoke coming out of the radiator of his own vehicle. "There goes my warranty."

The door to the passenger's side of the RV was kicked open and out jumped Pacifica. "Dipper?!"

"Over here Pacifica!!" Dipper called back.

She had cut it pretty dang close, a little more to the left and she would have ended Dipper's whole career. Her aim was precise though, there was just enough room between him and the RV for another person. The RV had also taken out the rest of Edna's wall revealing a massive hole to it's right. Even though she nearly hit him he still found her to be quite a sight to see in this moment.

"Are you okay Dipper?"

"I'm fine. Dig out my President's Key from my right trench coat pocket and get me out of here!"

Pacifica did as he asked and used the key on his shackles right away. "I can't believe she actually chained you up! What is wrong with her?!"

"Oh that isn't even the tip of her loony iceberg as it turns out!" Dipper rubbed his wrists, didn't look like the shackles did any permanent damage. "I gotta say you cut it kind of close there though."

"I'm sorry but I couldn't think of any other way to stop her and rescue you at the same time."

"It's fine, but was wrecking my engine part of the plan?"

*BANG!*

The sudden sound from the engine made them jump as even more smoke poured out from the lid.

"It was not." Pacifica admitted. The angry pout Dipper had accused her of having earlier suddenly returned when his lack of gratitude dawned on her. "Hey, wait a second! I saved your butt!! How about a 'thank you'?!"

Dipper sighed and gave her an apologetic look. "You're right, I'm sorry. It's just this case in this town, it has everything I don't want. Especially for teaching you the ropes of the job. Thanks Pacifica..."

Her pout disappeared and was replaced with a smile.

"It's okay, Dipper. Even I'm starting to get annoyed by this town!"

A sudden rustling followed by a painful moan diverted their attention over to where Edna landed. Her hair had gotten longer to the point where it draped over her face, she threw out a veiny arm to put her weight on. It had become larger; her skin started to bubble over with boils. She stood up at a height much taller than she was and raised her other hand in the air.

Pacifica felt herself shrink a little in fear as Edna's shadow fell over her. "That's impossible! I hit her as hard as I possibly could! She should at least have some broken bones!!"

"YOU LITTLE BITCH!!! IT'LL TAKE MORE THAN ANYTHING YOU COULD DISH OUT TO PUT A STOP TO ME!!!"

Edna was about to charge at Pacifica but Dipper was quicker with his gun.

*PLOOT!*

A beastly snarl escaped Edna's mouth as a green glob from Dipper's gun stuck her hand to the wall.

"RUN!!!" Dipper thundered.

Pacifica didn't need to be told twice as she and Dipper made a mad dash through the hole the RV made.

As they ran through the wet grass she shot him a concerned yet confused look. "Shouldn't you arrest her now or something? You have to have enough evidence by now and some more of that goop could probably detain her."

Dipper shook his head. "With her like that?! I don't think so!! Besides, I'm low on ammo. I need to make more if I want to use the goop shots. Thanks to that one I just fired, I'd say I have just enough for the whip. Which still isn't enough to immobilize her!"

"You'd rather stick with the whip than the shots?!" she asked incredulously.

"It conserves the ammo I was just talking about, thank you very much!" Dipper shot back.

"Grrr! Whatever! I hit her with the RV, why wasn't that enough to take the fight out of her?!"

"She's a witch, Pacifica. She's more durable than she looks. We have to outsmart her if we want to detain her! And for that we'll need the element of surprise!"

"The statue that took you had to go through this long tunnel full of mud, it was dark in there so..."

"Sounds perfect! Let's go!"

Pacifica thought back to how much mud was in the tunnel and grimaced. "Alright, but we are going clothes shopping right after this case!! No excuses!! Because these tennis shoes are USELESS!!"

"Tennis shoes?"

Dipper looked over at Pacifica's feet to see mud covered tennis shoes. He almost felt like laughing at the mere sight of them."You're kidding me! You kept the tennis shoes of all things?"

"They're the only things that wouldn't sell okay?!"

Dipper smiled, this was exactly what he needed to ease his tension. Feeling a little calmer he started to focus on their next move.

"We should probably get ready for Edna's true form. That's going to be a handful! She probably even has some new tricks!"

"What about that super tall ugly form? Wasn't that her true form?"

"I already told you what her true form looks like. What you saw was only a form she raged in to because you hit her with the RV."

They ran all the way to the tunnel uninterrupted, which was exactly what Dipper found strange. Before Pacifica could even step foot in to the tunnel, Dipper had thrown out his arm in her path stopping her.

"Something's not right!"

"Not that I'm in a hurry to get up to my waist in mud," she shuddered at the thought. "but what could be wrong? We made it all the way here without any problems!"

"Exactly! One little shot shouldn't have been enough to keep her there, she should have tried something before we even got half way here! Either she's trying to cut us off or..."

Dipper left his sentence open hoping Pacifica would catch on.

"It's a trap!!"

Dipper tossed a rock in to the entrance and the whole thing collapsed as soon as it hit the darkness inside.

"HA!! Nice try SLUT!!! NEXT TIME BRING YOUR A GAME!!!" Pacifica shouted this as loud as she could, she simply had to called Edna out on her failure. Too bad it earned a dirty look from Dipper. "What?"

"I know this is your first day and everything, but challenging her like that was a really dumb move!"

"What? Oh come on, what's the worse she gonna do?" Pacifica scoffed.

*CRACK!*

"And no matter what you never say that!!" scolded Dipper.

The sudden sound had made both of them jump. They looked around to see what had made the noise but only saw the forest which surrounded them.

*CRACK!**CRINKLE!**CRACK!**SNAP!**SNAP!*

Dipper and Pacifica stood back to back as the noises got louder and louder, it seemed to be coming from every direction at once.

"What's she doing?!" Pacifica darted her eyes everywhere at once, trying to see where the oncoming attack was going to come from.

"It's the trees!! Pacifica she's using the trees!!"

"For what?!"

Then the noises stopped just as suddenly as they started. Then without warning, each of the trees shot downward in to the ground, only leaving behind a hole of where it stood.

"That's it? She just gets rid of the trees? I mean, yeah we're easier to spot now but..."

"Pacifica, she's not done yet! She's too twisted to just kill us, she wants to milk our torment!"

From the holes of the trees the ground started to crumble away in the form of ravines, going from one hole to another. With the ravines intersecting they created dirt triangles between them. However, as the ravines continued to spread these triangles got smaller and smaller. Dipper and Pacifica found themselves falling in to one of the ravines as it formed right from under their feet. They landed on the ground softly, the mud cushioning their fall (much to Pacifica's grimace). Standing up they found walls of dirt surrounding them with triangular pillars of soil everywhere. There didn't seem to be an exit anywhere in sight, the mud dried up making the floor more path-like.

"What is this, some type of maze?"

"Looks like it, she probably thinks this will better her odds. I got a feeling these walls aren't just dirt so I would avoid touching them if you can, just in case."

Pacifica looked up, there didn't seem to be anything keeping them down there.

"Well do you think we can climb out?"

No sooner had she said that than the branches shot out of the top of the walls and started to weave themselves together over their heads forming a roof.

"I'm going to say 'no'." quipped Dipper.

A bloodcurdling beastly cry echoed throughout the new maze.

"Shoot! She's here now!" Dipper swore.

"That was supposed to be Edna?!"

In all honesty, Pacifica didn't think such a shrill shriek could have come from anything human. It was much worse than what she had already heard. It was like a roar from a monster from somebody's worse nightmare.

"Yes! Which means we have to keep moving! We need to run! NOW!"

Dipper grabbed Pacifica by the hand again and ran with her down the way. They slid to a stop when Edna emerged from around the corner ahead of them, but she didn't look like she did last time they saw her. Her head had become elongated towards her mouth which no longer had normal human teeth. It looked more like the outer bone of her skull around her mouth had become jagged spikes acting as fangs.

Her blue hair was still there although now it looked greasier. Instead of hands she had claws, exactly how Dipper described them, although they looked somehow bulkier than what she imagined. Her skin was a grayish brown now but the boils from earlier could still be seen even in the poor light. The lower half of her body stretched out like an arachnid, complete with eight legs below. However, the most unsettling thing about her was her eyes, the only part of her which seemed to stay human. And yet a menacing evil burned brightly in them, piercing Pacifica's very soul as she gazed in to them. She knew Edna was planning on killing her for no greater reason than she wanted to.

"Going somewhere?"

Dipper looked at Edna, then in the direction they thought they heard the shriek, then back at Edna.

"Oh don't look so confused, Dipper. It's magic, it has rules all of it's own."

Pacifica hid behind Dipper for reasons she wasn't so proud of, she knew she should be standing beside him instead of behind him but her body just reacted. She avoided looking up at either Dipper or Edna, but this wasn't due to her fear. She thought back to Edna talking about how great Dipper was and all the praise Dipper had given Pacifica, but having herself cower like this made her feel a little unworthy. Dipper chose her to help him with the job and yet here she was using him for cover. Thankfully Dipper hadn't seemed to mind her hiding behind him, but she knew she couldn't stay there forever.

"Well Edna, I see you're more or less the same without your 'makeup' on. I see your lower half is a little longer since the last time I saw it."

Edna gave him a mock pose of putting her claws behind her head. "Do you like it?"

Dipper and Pacifica were backing away from her but Edna made sure the gap between them never got too big. "You're just as horrifying as ever!"

"Mmmm..." Edna placed a claw under chin. "So you're so cold, Dipper...gives me shivers! I'll have to be sure to give our children strict lessons in manners!"

"Children?" Pacifica repeated. She looked at Dipper and then at Edna with a confused look on her face. "Dipper, what is she talking about?"

"Oh right, you went to get the RV. Short version is that our darling Edna is in danger of going through menopause and wants to have my babies. That's why she did the whole statue thing a second time, to lure me back."

"Like a fly in to the spider web."

Pacifica gave Edna a look of disgust. "Ugh! You want to steal his seed?! Lady, you have issues!!"

"Why don't you stop hiding behind that meat shield and say that to my face you little Hussy!" Edna snapped.

"Don't call her that!" Dipper snapped back.

"Defending her again?! What do you even see in that little blonde Harlot?!"

"I'm not sure you would understand. What makes her good company... makes her my friend, isn't her looks or her attitude, it's her heart."

A pink tinge graced itself on Pacifica's cheeks not that anyone seemed to notice.

"Her heart?"

"Yeah! Her heart! Not that I would expect you to know anything about it!! You killed yours a long time ago!"

"Well then..." Edna snapped her claws a couple of times in the air. "If it is her heart that makes her superior then I'll be sure to cut it out and devour it to 'eliminate' the competition! As the saying goes, If I can't have him then nobody can!!"

Dipper leaned over to Pacifica, although he made sure to never take his eyes off of Edna.

"Pacifica, do remember how I got us away from the manotaurs last week?" Dipper whispered.

A mental image of Dipper using a flash bomb appeared from Pacifica's memory. She nodded.

"Then get ready. Hey Edna!!! Do know what reason I really have for turning you down?" Dipper dug in to his back trench coat and grabbed a flash bomb. "It's a NONSPECIFIC EXCUSE!!!"

Pacifica quickly covered her eyes with her hands right before Dipper spiked the flash bomb on the ground.

Edna gave another shrill shriek but this time out of pain as she tried in futile effort to rub her eyes with her claws. She stopped when she heard the quickened footsteps of Dipper and Pacifica running away.

"NOOOO!!!" she thundered. "YOU CAN'T ESCAPE FROM ME!!!"

*HARUK*

A spider web net shot out of her mouth and it soared down the path.

"DUCK!!!" Dipper shouted.

Pacifica found herself forcibly pulled to the ground by Dipper as the spider web net sailed over head and hit one of the triangle walls at the end. Pacifica's jaw dropped as she watched the dirt wall change in to solid stone.

"That's how she turns people to stone?!"

"Dwell on it later Pacifica, right now we have to lose her!"

She must have heard them because as soon as they got up she fired multiple shots at them.

*HARUK**HARUK**HARUK*

A sharp turn around the corner saved them from being hit. As they ran side by side Dipper saw Pacifica give him a look. "Is it just the frantic panic or is what she shooting at us..."

"Webs! Yes!"

"But I thought spiders made their webbing come out their bottoms not their mouths!"

They started taking more turns as they ran, never going the same direction twice.

"Well she is a witch so she probably did something to her body to switch her organs around or something."

"Eww! What is wrong with her?!"

"Sweetheart, a shorter list would be what's right with her!"

They were about to turn another corner when Dipper threw out his arm again stopping them both. Edna's shadow could be seen at the end of the far left wall. Dipper knew they needed to act fast, taking note of the gray triangular pillars surrounding them he thought of a plan. Although if he was going to criticize himself, it would be considered more of a gamble than a plan! He tipped his hat over his face and wrapped his trench coat around his body. He took a deep breath as he stood as perfectly still as possible. Edna quickly made her way around the corner and stormed down the path passing Dipper. She came to a stop about five feet pass Dipper, and turned around to walk back.

She stopped right in front of Dipper and squinted her eyes; she hadn't known it but she had given Dipper the perfect camouflage. The dirt walls with the poor lighting from the branch roof made them a gray which matched Dipper's outfit, and given that Dipper's flash bomb had caused more damage to her eyes than originally intended to it meant that Edna was having a hard time seeing. All she could see in front of her was a blurry gray lump, deciding it was most likely a bit of the triangle pillar's dirt falling off she continued back on her search giving another shrill shriek.

Dipper gave a sigh of relief and turned around to face Pacifica, who was...crouched down? He supposed it was easier to avoid being seen this way, he crouched down to her level.

"We're safe for the moment, I think the flash bomb did more than just blind her. Her eyesight must be more delicate than it looks and...hey, are you okay?"

With that one little question Pacifica's fear had turned in to regret and shame. This was how she was supposed to make a living and here she was cowering like some little girl? It was absurd! What was wrong with her?! She was scared, yes, but why? She wasn't afraid of the Lightning Goblins like this, and the Lumberjack Ghost from her childhood had to be just as dangerous as Edna. She kept on her toes then. Although Edna wasn't like either of them, there was something more malicious in her which seemed to be just looking for an excuse to kill Pacifica. Maybe it was also Edna's usage of magic, Pacifica didn't how it worked or how to fend it off. Or maybe it was her monster form itself, Pacifica felt like she was going to have her head bitten off at any moment. Of course this was all guess work and that was what annoyed her the most! The way she saw it, if she could just figure out why she was afraid then maybe she would stand a chance of overcoming it! However, she didn't have time to worry about; they were in danger and Dipper needed to know if she was battle ready.

She brushed down her clothes and straightened her hair. "I'm fine." Her voice was quieter than she wanted but given the circumstance that was probably a good thing.

Dipper shrugged it off. "Okay so here's the plan, as a witch she has weaknesses of extreme temperatures to her body. This goes as far back as the Salem With Trials, turns out not all of them were innocent, they were done away with usually by drowning them in a icy river or burning them at the stake."

"Or hanging?" Pacifica offered.

Dipper waved his hand flat in the air in a 'so-so' way. "More or less, that was a pretty much hit and miss method. However, these methods did seem to neutralize their magic to some extent, with my gun I think we simulate those circumstances. I'm thinking the ice balls might be enough to stop her, if we freeze her from the legs up then..."

Dipper stopped talking when Pacifica covered his mouth with her hand. Her face visibly turned pale as she used her other hand to point behind Dipper. As quietly as he could, Dipper turned around to see Edna several feet away from them. She was facing their direction but she didn't seem to be moving at all, it was almost as if she waiting for something. Then it hit him, she was listening for them. For any type of sound the two of them might make.

"I bet the two of you think you're pretty clever keeping quiet like this!!!" Edna spoke at a volume loud enough that Dipper and Pacifica would have heard her anywhere in the maze. She clacked her claws a couple of times. "Well let's see how quiet you can be when you BURN!!!"

She threw out her claws in left and right directions and streams of fire shot out them. The sudden stream of fire was so sudden Pacifica accidentally let out a scream of surprise. The fire ceased almost immediately as an evil grin grew on Edna's already monstrous face. "Got ya!!"

With a beastly roar Edna charged forward in a mad fury.

*HARUK* *HARUK* *HARUK*

As the projectile webbing sped towards them Dipper dove at Pacifica, sending both of them tumbling out of the way from Edna and her attacks. Dipper held Pacifica close as Edna raced by unaware of their dodge. About several feet away she realized they must have dodged out of her and smashed her claw against a triangle pillar.

"I've had enough of your games..."

Edna lurched forward, as if she were about to become sick. Then she opened her mouth and a thick fog came pouring out of it down to the floor; there it started to swirl around her legs and started rise up around the rest of her body until she was cocooned in it. The fog eventually dissipated revealing Edna with some new 'features'.

She had horns on her head now, they were pointed up like a bull's but spiraled as they went long. A reptile like tail had sprouted out her arachnid like bottom and laid on the ground coiled around her legs. It seemed to be clubbed at end with a spike ball. "Now for the finishing touch." She reached her claw down to her belly and started to cut it horizontally. A purple light shined through the wound for a moment, and then it opened up wide revealing a giant eyeball inside. The eye darted around looking in every direction almost frantically searching for her prey. "Let's see you hide from me now!!" She clacked her claws and stormed off turning around a corner.

Back with Dipper and Pacifica, the picked themselves up and saw Edna transform herself from around the corner. As soon as she had 'clawed' open her new eye, the two had stopped watching and pressed their backs against the wall waiting for the witch to make her move. The sound of multiple legs hitting the ground along with a tail dragging along the ground grew some tension among the heroes. However, as it grew fainter and fainter the two heaved a heavy sigh of relief.

"Alright, so those flaming claws pretty much killed my Ice Balls plan. So instead I think we can stop her if..." Dipper stopped mid-sentence as he heard Pacifica take a sharp gasp. "Pacifica? What's wrong?"

She pointed down at he feet where he saw some of Edna's webbing stuck to the heel of his shoe. The magic was already taking hold, slowly petrifying him from the foot up.

"Well I'll be..." Dipper gave a small laugh at the sight. "The Hogwarts Reject actually managed to get a hit in."

Dipper looked at Pacifica, she seemed so sad. Her eyes were even starting to water up. 'Poor sweet thing.'

"Okay, change of plans...you're going to stop her."

"What?!"

Pacifica's shocked reaction changed the tone of the atmosphere they were sharing.

"Don't worry. I'm sure you can handle her, you already hit her with the RV."

"Yeah, with the R. V.!" Pacifica stressed. "And she still got up afterwards!! I can't handle her on my lonesome! Did you see what she changed in to?! All I got is a pair of your Great Uncle's brass knuckles!"

"Which is exactly why I'm giving you my gun." He gently tossed her his gun where she fumbled it in her hands before finally catching it.

She looked at the gun and then at Dipper with a frightened look he couldn't quite place.

"No!! Dipper I can't!"

The stone workings had already worked it's way up his leg, but somehow he still managed to give her a sad smile.

"Sure you can. I think we both remember what happened the last time I got turned in to an inanimate object."

The mental image of twelve year old Dipper changing in to wood flashed in her mind.

"Dipper this isn't like that time! I can't just pull a lever and make everything alright! She wants me DEAD, Dipper! I have no idea how to stop her! I can't do it!"

"Hmm. She does want you dead." Dipper mused. "So you may as well take this too!"

As the stone magic started working on his other leg, Dipper took off his trench coat and spun it around on to Pacifica's shoulders. She stared in shock at Dipper, then at the trench coat then back at Dipper.

"All my gadgets and tricks should bridge the gap between the two of you pretty well."

"Can't...Can't I stop you from turning to stone instead?!"

Pacifica hoped she didn't look as panicked as she felt but facing this monster alone without Dipper was more than a little alarming.

"No, I think you can only change me back. Edna probably knows some 'magic words' or something and... Pacifica? Are you sure you're alright?"

She gritted her teeth as some tears fell from her eyes. "No!! I'm not!! Okay?! I'm scared!!!"

Dipper's face softened at this news, even the stone worked it's way pass his belly.

"I'm scared and the most frustrating thing about it is I'm not even sure why!! I've faced monsters and dangers with you before so why should now be any different?!"

"Pacifica..."

"And now you're turning to stone and I..." she fell to her knees and brushed some of her tears away. "I'm afraid." She choked back a sob. "You need me to save the day and I'm... I'm a liability."

She sighed heavily and hung her head in defeat. Then she heard the strangest noise, it sounded like Dipper grunting. She looked up to Dipper trying in vain to grab her with his arms. "What're you doing?"

"I'm trying to reach down to your level so I can comfort you but my lower body is made of stone now."

Despite the circumstances Dipper had still managed to get a small chuckle out of her.

"Jerk! Here I am pouring my heart out to about how useless and sad I'm being and you go make me laugh."

He smiled at succeeding at lightening the mood. A small victory, but a victory none the less.

"Listen Pacifica, it's okay to afraid. It'd be stupid not to be afraid in this situation! At least she only wants you dead, she wants to hook up with me!" Another small laugh chocked out of Pacifica, Dipper chalked that up as another small victory. He knew that the better she felt the better her chances were. "All joking aside, I know you can do this. The ghost, the Lightning Goblins, in case you've forgotten you were afraid with them too and you still pulled through. You'll find deep down inside that Edna is no different from them. So what if you're afraid? I know you won't let it hold you back, a Northwest has high standards right?"

She sniffled a little and then stood up. The stone magic was working it's way pass his chest but that didn't stop the two of them from sharing a smile.

"I still don't know if I can beat her." Pacifica admitted.

"I do. You're not a woman to be underestimated, I know you can rise above this challenge and come out on top."

There was a certain spark of faith in his eyes that lead her to believe him.

"It's up to you now."

The stone magic had worked its way pass his neck now.

He tipped his hat to her and gave her a playful smile. "Here's looking at you, Sweetheart."

Omake

"Found you at last!" Edna growled.

Pacifica fumbled with the gun in her hands until she finally got a good grip on it. She aimed it at Edna with fierce determination. She pulled the trigger.

*PLFT*

The whip rolled out of the barrel and flopped on to the floor.

"Damn it, Dipper! Why didn't you teach me how to use this thing?!"

Chapter Text

Pacifica ran as fast as she possibly could, the sound of Edna's multiple legs hitting the ground was close behind her. The time Edna took to find her was nothing but inconvenient, Pacifica still had some tears on her face she needed to brush away. However, Pacifica did notice that Edna made sure as she brushed by Dipper (probably planning to come back for him later) not to knock him over or harm him in anyway; so Pacifica was at least grateful to her for that.

"You can't outrun me forever! Eight legs beats two every time, you Dumb Blonde!!"

"Why do you always take it back to the hair thing?!" Pacifica shot Edna a dirty look from over her shoulder. "I'm starting to think you're just jealous!"

"Jealous of what?! You're ability to bleach your hair yellow?!"

Banter was fine but Pacifica knew she'd have to do something to put some distance between them and she was going to need to do it fast!

"Flash bomb." she whispered out of realization.

She tried to go through the pockets but since she was busy running and the trench coat was a little big on her... the short of it was she was having a hard time navigating the pockets.

"Let's see...flashlight, President's Key, OW!! That's the dagger! Gun batteries, notepad... OW!! There's the damn dagger again!!"

Pacifica tried to make a sharp turn but slid on the ground her feet skidding in place for a moment. Edna followed suite, her clubbed tail thrashing about wildly behind her. It smacked one of the pillars where it crumbled upon impact.

Finally making her way to the back pocket Pacifica had finally found where Dipper must have kept his flash bombs. Her smile disappeared as she grabbed one, it didn't feel like the ones she'd seen Dipper use. From what she saw, Dipper's flashbombs were perfectly round but this had some protruding lump on it...and a string? She pulled it out but from what she could see in the pour lighting it was without a doubt something else.

"Don't know what it is but it will have to do!"

She turned back with a leap and tossed the mysterious object hoping for anything that could help.

Edna halted almost immediately as she saw the object speeding towards her. Her belly eye opened wide, glowing with a purple light. The object stopped suspended in mid air, glowing with the same purple light as her eyeball.

"Did you really think I would let another flash bomb stop me?! I... wait. This isn't a flash bomb."

Before Edna could inspect it further, the 'string' started to sizzle as it got shorter and shorter until it reached it's end. Then instead of exploding, it opened up vertically and started spraying out smoke in large amounts.

Pacifica smiled as she ran away from the witch lost in a cloud of smoke. "Smoke bomb! Another custom made gadget Dipper had made I'm guessing. Not bad Mr. Detective!"

Edna meanwhile, was coughing up a storm as she did her best to get some distance between herself and the gushing gadget of smoke. Once she had gotten length away from it she took a moment to recuperate. She bashed her claw against one of the triangle pillars in anger, nothing was going the way she wanted it to.

"God Damn it!! This shouldn't be happening at all!! I'm not supposed to have difficulty killing some random blonde slut, I'm not supposed to go through menopause when I'm in my twenties, I'm not supposed to have competition for the only man who doesn't run from me, I'm not supposed to..." Edna trailed off as she hung her head in sorrow. She rested her forehead on her claw as she took a hard look at her life and where it had taken her right now.

"No..." She lifted her head in new fierce determination. "NO!!" She smashed her claw against the wall making it crumble away. "I'll just handle this like I've handled everything else in my life! When something doesn't work the way I want it to then I just make the change to force it to!!"

Her belly eye started to glow red and soon her claws started to glow as well from the inside. However, before Edna could actually do whatever she was trying to a sound alerted her to presence nearby. The glowing died down as she allowed herself a small smile before going to go check it out.

After several turns she almost lost where she thought she heard the sound coming from but a loud *CLICK!* signaled to her that she was close. A turn around the next corner and she found her prey on her tiptoes fiddling with one of the over head hanging branches sticking out of the wall.

Pacifica jumped at the sight of Edna, obviously not expecting her to find her here.

"Edna, I wasn't expecting you so soon."

"I bet you weren't!"

Edna clacked her claws a couple of times and Pacifica started to back up away from her.

"That's right, but I actually wanted to thank you if you can believe it. I overheard your little rant to yourself and I think it helped me find my courage!"

Edna scoffed at her as she started to move closer to Pacifica.

"Oh so you're not afraid of me anymore?"

"Oh don't get me wrong, I'm just as terrified as ever, but now I think I know you a little better. Dipper was right, just like the other things I've faced with him you share a weakness... you're more human than you look."

"Ironic. Before you crashed in to my home, Dipper was saying the exact opposite about me."

"I'm talking about human on a personal level. Just like Lenny you have personality flaws which can be taken advantage of."

"Lenny?" Whatever rampage Edna was about to unleash upon Pacifica got put on hold due to this new confusion. She scratched the top of her head with her claw as she tried to understand. "Who the Hell is Lenny??"

"Not important; but my point is you have flaws, human flaws. From your rant I've deduced you're lonely and insecure, and because of your menopause you have a desperation for having children thus making you act slutty. Although I have a feeling that would just be an excuse for you,"

The deeper Pacifica diagnosed the angrier Edna seemed to get. This was obvious even to Pacifica but for some reason she continued on as if she were ignoring it.

"I mean you'd probably still be slutty without that excuse. However, I think you're biggest weakness is your temper."

Edna let out a wordless battle cry as she charged the woman in front of her. However, before she could even reach Pacifica a stream of smoke shot out in front of her cutting her off. Normally this wouldn't have been enough to even slow her down but whatever smoke bombs Pacifica had hooked up must have been clustered together, because this was a dangerous amount of smoke. And with the dead branch roof overhead the threat of a fire was imminent, and a flaming roof was a danger even to Edna.

Pacifica ran once again as Edna tried futilely to stop the smoke with her giant claws. In this maze Pacifica had learned that the more turns you took the harder it was for your pursuer to find you. Attaching the rest of the smoke bombs to the wall together seemed to have the desired effect, it would buy some time but she needed an actual plan to disable Edna. Her thoughts went to the Ice Balls almost instantly but Dipper was right in writing those off, with Edna's flamethrower claws that tactic was useless.

"Which leaves the laser." Pacifica mused. The more she thought about it the more Dipper's original dissatisfaction seemed to make sense. Multiple shots would have been much more preferable in this situation than a single steady beam. And she'd only have one shot with it too.

Another right turn and Pacifica found herself in the same spot she had thrown the first smoke bomb. She could tell since it was still going off, spraying smoke from where it laid on the floor.

"Did I really just go around in one big circle?"

She'd scold herself if she wasn't so distracted by the smoke bomb itself. If she was Dipper, and if she knew him as well as she thought she did, then this would be something he would take advantage of.

"Okay Pacifica, let's think. It's smoke and... and how can I use that?! Edna obviously doesn't like it, but no more than anyone else... How would Dipper use it?" Pacifica could still hear Edna coughing down the ways so she supposed she still had some time. "Well Dipper said witches don't like extreme temperatures and smoke is..." she waved her hand through it and frowned in disappointment. "Warm at best. Grrrr!!! This thinking on your feet thing is harder than it looks!!"

Before she could put up any sort of fuss over it, she noticed that the smoke level had risen up to her knee. Pacifica had to figure it was some sort of culmination of the first smoke before her and the cluster of smoke bombs she had set.

"Dipper would probably figure out some way to turn this in to an attack for him..." she quietly mused.

Edna's shrill shriek echoed out throughout the maze once again, Pacifica's mind raced with panic. As hard as she tried she could only think of one thing to do. With the sound of Edna's multiple legs scurrying across the ground Pacifica knew she had to put her plan to use now or die.

She laid herself down on the ground and let the smoke overlap her, covering her body. The sound of multiple legs hitting the ground made her freeze up, the sound got louder and louder until it stopped suddenly. Pacifica knew Edna was right in front of her now, she could hear her heavy breathing. She did her best to remain frozen on the ground, careful not to make any sound, she didn't even let herself breathe.

Edna glared down at the smoke with all three of her eyes before letting loose another shrill shriek and charging away. The smoke must have been thicker than she thought if it could conceal her from Edna's belly eye. When she sounded like she was far enough away Pacifica popped out of the smoke taking in a sharp breath of air.

After taking a moment to catch her breath she poked her head around the corner of one of the pillars. She saw Edna maybe five isles away, looking lost.

"Little Bimbo thinks she can outsmart me with smoke... thinks she can hide. Well let's see how she likes it when I use her smoke against her!!"

Pacifica had heard enough, she quietly walked away in Edna's opposite direction as quickly as she could. However, had she only watched the witch a little longer she would have seen three glowing lights emitting from Edna. One from her belly eye and one for each of her claws, but instead of some type of fire attack, the same mist she used to transform started pouring out of her mouth again.

However, this time it didn't wrap around her. Instead it flowed down passing Edna's lights on the way, and by the time it hit the ground it was orange. The orange mist continued to spread until it met with the black smoke. Together the two mixed together until they combined in to an odd purple colored smog. This continued to spread throughout the maze, transforming any smoke it came across.

Pacifica soon found the purple smog around her legs, although it didn't seem to be doing anything. Smog was bad enough on it's own but Pacifica could only guess what this orange smog would do. She lifted up her leg just to see if it had done anything to her yet and outside of being completely gross her leg looked fine.

"I don't get it. If this smog isn't meant to change me then...OH NO!!! DIPPER!!!"

Without a second thought she sprinted off to find Dipper, she didn't care if Edna spotted her, she just needed to know that Dipper was okay. Of course finding him in a maze was going to be tricky but if Pacifica was understanding the lay of the maze as well as she thought she was then she should be able to find him.

Luck was on her side in this endeavor, she found Dipper right where she left him. There didn't seem to be any change to him at all, which was weird. Edna's smog attack didn't look that different from what she used to transform herself, so shouldn't it be doing something then? Anything? Anything at all? Pacifica honestly didn't see the point unless it was to transform something. So why wasn't it transforming anything?!

"Pacificaaaaaaa...♫"

Pacifica wasn't sure what gave her more chills. The fact that Edna was actually using her real name as she called out for her or that she was using a sing song voice to do it. She pulled out Dipper's gun and kept it the ready, Edna's voice echoed all around her making it impossible to figure out where she was.

"I bet you thought you were pretty smart using that smoke to your advantage. Probably even used it to hide from me somewhere back there; but what do you think of me using it against you?"

"Bring it, Arachne-Edna!!" Pacifica called back out. "The only thing your smog has done is made my legs feel gross!! It hasn't changed me OR Dipper!!!"

"HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! You really are a dumb blonde!" *CRACK!**CRUMBLE!* "Who said anything about changing the two of you?" *CRACK!**CRUMBLE!**THUD!*

The triangle pillars had started to crumble away all around Pacifica. However, instead of crumbling away to nothingness they revealed underneath their soil surface there was some kind of mirror like substance. And this didn't just happen with the pillars in front and behind her, this was happening to all of them. Instead of soil pillars there was now crystal pillars. Edna had turned this maze in to a mirror maze, but the worst thing was that Pacifica saw in each one of them a reflection of Edna.

"I do admit though, you did a better job of evading me in my maze than I would have thought; but honestly what have you done outside of hit and run? I can't see what Dipper was thinking in inviting you to work with him, you're much to eager too run away from danger. I bet you'd rather be at home in your Malibu mansion sitting in your plastic hot tub. You know nothing of the supernatural world! You don't know what you're doing! You don't know how to beat me! And when my reflections are everywhere...you aren't going to know which one is really me!!"

Pacifica ran once again, she tried to head for parts of the maze where Edna's smog hadn't spread yet. Edna had made some good points against her but Pacifica tried not to let it get to her, she couldn't. She knew there was more than just her life on the line, there was the lives of Dipper and everyone else Edna had turned to stone, and right now she was there only chance. Fear was a luxury she couldn't afford.

She was able to keep ahead of the smog but it couldn't last forever, eventually she found herself facing a wall of dirt. She had reached the edge of the maze. Instead of panicking, she turned her attention to the dial at the bottom of Dipper's gun. Instead of words there was pictures, one had a horizontal oval, another had a squiggly line, the one next to it had a snowflake, and the last one had two horizontal lines meeting a five pointed star.

Pacifica was glad Dipper had decided to keep the settings simple, if it was too complicated she'd never figure it out in time. As she was busy figuring this out the smog seemed to have caught up to her and was already changing the triangle pillars behind her. The sounds of them crumbling in to their crystalline forms alerted Pacifica to them.

Since Edna's reflection didn't seem to be in any of them like she promised, Pacifica was going to assume that meant she wasn't close by yet. Pacifica decided to use whatever time she had to investigate it. There was something about the shine that reminded her of a light prism she saw once in her science class. She brushed her finger against it, it didn't actually feel like a crystal it felt more like a mirror.

She looked at the pillar and then at the gun, an idea started to form. "I wonder if it would work..." She walked to the pillar behind the one she just inspected and stood in front of one of the triangle's corners. And then? She waited.

She didn't have to wait long, the sound of Edna's quiet cussing came closer and closer until just like the witch promised, her reflection was seen in the triangle crystal pillars.

"EDNA!!!" Pacifica shouted loudly. She wasn't sure how far away Edna was so Pacifica made sure to speak extra loud just so she could hear her.

"Oh!!!" Edna jumped a little, clearly not expecting Pacifica to announce herself. "Well this is a surprise. I thought you were still playing the game of the Brave Little Chicken."

"What??"

"That's just a little title I like to give to prey when they try to talk big but run."

"Whatever... Listen, I've got something to say. You've called me a lot of names, most of them about me being dumb because of my hair color. Well I need to say that you're wrong about me, Dipper thinks I'm smart and I know he's right! I've grown up learning about skills you could never hope to master! I've worked hard to become the person I am today, and Dipper seems to think that's worth something. However, you wouldn't know anything about hard work, would you? Something gets too difficult and you just use magic to bend it to your will."

Edna clacked claws angrily.

"So I'm giving you one last chance. It's not too late to come along quietly. Surrender peacefully and change everyone back to normal or else you're going to enter a world of pain."

Edna cackled in response."And now you've moved up to bluffing!! It's hysterical!! You've got nothing! We both know it!! I find you and you're dead, it's only a matter of time now!!"

Pacifica was thankful the dial on the bottom of the gun was simple. In the center of the triangle was a little arrow, she turned the dial so the laser was being pointed at. "You were right about one thing, Dipper is a really great guy." She took aim at the pillar in front of her and prayed her gambit was about to payoff. "But when it comes to the idea of you and him hooking up together? I gotta say..." *CLICK!* "He can do better!"

The laser beam shot out of the gun and collided with the pointed corner of the pillar where it split in two hitting the walls of the same pillar before bouncing on to the walls of the pillars next to it. From there on it the walls of the pillars around it where it continued to spread by repeating the cycle throughout the maze, spreading like Pacifica's own fiery laser web.

This strategy was starting to put a strain on the gun. She could tell, not just by the smell of smoke coming from the battery, but also because the gun itself was starting to shake. Three things were possibly with this course of action she had taken; one, the gun quits on her and breaks in her hands; two, the pillars shatter from the sheer strain of the event leaving her no place to hide from Edna; or three, her plan actually works and Edna is hit from all sides leaving her no way to defend herself.

Pacifica flinched as an bloodcurdling cry of pain echoed throughout the maze followed by a loud *THUD!*

She eased up on the trigger and laser dissipated to nothingness. The burnt battery shot out the back of the gun, Pacifica didn't even try to catch it; landing on the floor behind her it did a lot more than just smoke, it was jumping and sparking too. Pacifica gave the gun a disappointed stare, Dipper's complaints on the laser suddenly seemed much more legit.

She searched Dipper's pockets for a new battery but found his dagger again. "OW! Seriously Dipper, what is so wrong with placing the dagger handle up?!" It just irritated her so much. Dinosaur fang or not, having it pointed up like that was dangerous. She had had enough!! She reached in, moving around the fang itself, and grabbed it by the handle. She took it out, turned it around and placed it back inside.

*RIIIIIIP!*

She looked down to see the dagger's end pointing out of the new hole in her pocket.

"Huh. The longer I fill in your shoes Dipper, the more I start to understand your reasoning."

She rolled her eyes and started on her way to make the arrest, she took two steps and then the maze started shaking. Pacifica screamed as one by one the crystal pillars shattered. They continued to shatter faster and faster, one after another until there were none left. Then the whole floor rose up in to the air along with everyone on it. Pacifica screamed a second time although it seemed to slow down the higher it got. By the time it came to a complete stop the area that was the maze had rejoined the field.

Without the pillars everything was out in the open. Pacifica could see Dipper's statue (somehow still in one piece) and Edna laying down with her chin on the ground in a painful heap. She walked over to Edna, only stopping once to make sure Dipper's statue was really okay, and managed to find some handcuffs in one of Dipper's coat pockets.

"By the authority invested in my by...um...Dipper," Pacifica knew it sounded ridiculous but it was true, the government didn't give her this job, Dipper did. "I hereby place you under arrest! You're lucky I didn't have a pair of giant lobster claw rubber bands."

Edna didn't move. It could be that she had lost consciousness to escape the pain from the multiple burns the laser had given her. Maybe she was trying to lure Pacifica in to a false sense of security so she could strike. Or maybe she was just in too much pain to move. Nope she was pouting, painfully pouting.

"Hey!" Pacifica gave Edna a soft kick in her underbelly. "Any of this sinking in to you?"

"Leave me be... Haven't I been embarrassed enough?" Edna painfully moaned. "Beaten by a walking one dimensional bleach blonde valley girl stereotype."

Pacifica didn't even bother with a retort, she simply rolled her eyes and got ready to handcuff her. Edna's claws were obviously too big to be cuffed, so instead she placed them on the wrist area beneath them. Of course she had to lug the claws up to get them behind her back, but the strange thing was Edna didn't try anything funny when she did. She wasn't even resisting. What had changed?

"So," Pacifica started. "Why'd you bring everything to a halt? Not worth the effort? Just can't bring yourself to actually kill someone Dipper cares about?"

"Don't be stupid. I hate you more than I have ever hated anyone, but when you used my maze against me..."

"When I brought the heat?" Pacifica joke.

"Ugh!" Edna groaned painfully. "Yes! Because of you I have a burn mark, on every side of my body. I'm in too much pain to do anything but lay here. I don't have the energy to kill you."

"Dipper did say you didn't like extreme temperatures. Then what about raising the floor and making that branch roof vanish? I noticed we didn't hit that on the way up."

"My mental focus, was the only thing keeping the maze together. Roof, walls, the whole caboodle. That shattered when you laser beamed me. Now all my focus is being put to keep myself from losing consciousness. I won't give you the satisfaction of seeing me pass out because of your cheap ass trick!!"

It slowly started to rain, it did little to soothe Edna's burn but it was starting to look pretty effective against the mud Pacifica had acquired. It felt as if it were washing away the hardships she had faced during this case. She spread out her arms as the rain started to get heavier, the washing away of her mud felt so good, washing away her troubles and problems, but then she noticed something else was washing away too. In a small puddle, barely starting to form, a swirl of a blue liquid was pouring in to it from Edna's hair. Pacifica looked to the puddle and then to Edna's blackening hair and cheered.

"AHA!! I KNEW IT!!!"

"Oh just shoot me now."

Pacifica knelt down and lifted Edna's head to look her in the eyes.

"Who's the one with the fake hair now? Huh? Huh?!" Pacifica gloated happily.

"Well I...you... shut up. Just shut up." Edna weakly insulted.

As the downpour started to get heavier Pacifica knew she was going to have to hurry to wrap things up.

"The only thing left now is for you to tell me how to change everyone back. How do I do it?"

Edna averted her gaze from her. "Just have to rub the salt in deeper don't you? You can't even leave me the little dignity I have left. Well I still won't tell you!" she spat.

Pacifica placed Edna's head back on the ground and stood up. "Oh you'll tell me! I don't believe in causing physical harm to someone when they're defenseless and beaten but if you don't tell me, I'll make an exception in your case."

Edna let out a sigh of defeat. "The answer is in my magic book! It's underneath my bed in my cottage. You'll probably blow yourself up, just trying to make it, so go ahead. I'll laugh at your disembodied limps flying everywhere."

Pacifica scowled at her before she took out Dipper's gun and adjusted the dial to the oval picture.

*PLOOT!*

A goo ball was now sticking her chin to the ground.

"Stick around!"

"Fuck you and your puns."

Darkness. This was the world Dipper had come to know. He couldn't move, he couldn't see, there was only darkness. A normal man might have panicked in his situation, but instead Dipper waited patiently. He knew Pacifica was out there and he had faith that she would free him from this prison, he just didn't know how long that would take.

A small speck of light pierced this world of darkness, the smell of wet air leaking in through it. It was accompanied by more specks of light followed by the pitter patter sound of rain. Soon specks became holes and the world of darkness Dipper had been forced to familiarize with crumbled away.

His body free from his stony confines suddenly lurched forward. A blurred vision of wet grass and falling rain whizzed past him as he sped towards the wet ground below. He never reached it though, he stopped halfway, something had stopped his descent. He looked up to see Pacifica smiling down on him.

"Easy Sherlock, you're going to be dizzy for a little while. I managed to find the antidote in Edna's spell book but that fatigue or whatever she was talking about is still legit. The others should be freed also, assuming I made the potion right. Freeing one is supposed to free them all. You didn't blow up so I'm going to say I got it right."

He gave her a weak smile. "So you beat her then? I knew you could."

Pacifica did her best to hide the small blush that had appeared on her face. "Yeah. But, ahem, the potion was pretty difficult. I kind of blew the roof off of Edna's cottage making it, she should label her ingredients." She put his arm over her shoulder and the two started to walk back to Edna's cottage for shelter.

"So how'd you beat Edna?"

The rain was cool to Dipper's body and he welcomed it as he listened to Pacifica go on about how she used Edna's maze against her and how it quick she was able to find the antidote despite how thick Edna's magic book was. There was just something about listening to how she faced her trials that seemed calming to him. He couldn't explain it.

As they got closer to Edna's cottage Dipper noticed a huge hole in Edna's roof and laughed. "And here I thought you were exaggerating."

"In my defense she doesn't really label her ingredients. Took me a couple of tries."

"Does she still have a cauldron?" Dipper joked.

"Short answer? No."

"Wait, are you serious?"

"Like I said, she doesn't label her ingredients. Thankfully I was able to make the correct potion with what was left of it."

She sat him down on the step in front of Edna's door, there was just enough roof overhead to protect him from the rain. She handed him back his trench coat and gun, it was a little lighter but she already told him about the smoke bombs she used up so he wasn't surprised.

"By the way, I couldn't get your weird walkie talkie radio whatever to work."

"Oh that thing requires a certain touch, I'll use it to call in the G-Men for Edna's pick up. They'll even help Edna's victims back to town.Why don't you go in to town and tell the mayor the case is solved so you can pick up the check?"

"Checks." corrected Pacifica.

"Excuse me?"

"When I first agreed to work with you, you promised me my own check. So he owes us two, like it or not."

"That's going to hurt his wallet."

"He should've listened to you the first time if he didn't want to pay more."

"It's still raining though, sure you don't want me to go inside and see if I can't find you an umbrella or something?"

"Thanks but this rain is good for washing off all the mud I've acquired today."

"Alright then, I'll wait for you here."

As Pacifica walked off, Dipper noticed the engine to the RV was still smoking. "While you're out, find a mechanic so we can get a tow." *BANG!* "And a new engine."

Pacifica let out a sigh of relief as she walked out of the fabric store with two large bags; she was probably going to need a ride back to Dipper. The rain had come to a stop and with it the townspeople had returned.With Edna incapacitated she felt like she could finally relax. Getting a second check out of Mayor Brown wasn't that difficult, although he did look a little pale afterwards. The pansy. After that, Pacifica found a mechanic just like she said she would, thankfully there was enough in just one of checks to cover the services. The mechanic said that he would move out to do the job in a little bit which gave Pacifica time to pursue her favorite past time, shopping.

She had already bought the boots and overalls she had promised herself, but she refused to buy the clothes here. Especially considering the only decent clothing shops in this town were Coconut Libertarian, she was still a Northwest and a Northwest doesn't follow trends, they set them. Which was why she spent the rest of her money on clothing fabrics and a sewing machine. She was going to make her new clothes.

The materials were pretty common but what they lacked in uniqueness they made up for in a variant of colors. She found three of her favorites hot pink, lake foam green, and yellow. There were a bunch of others but she hadn't planned anything out for those yet. Walking down the street she saw Joe, still in his waitress outfit, hugging one of the missing people which had come back, sobbing something about Barracka Oboma but she didn't care. Now it was time for her biggest challenge/passion. Shoes.

While she started to mentally debate what type of shoes she was going to want/need, something caught her attention on the ground in the corner of her eye. It was a newspaper laying partially in a puddle on the curb, but there was something familiar about it. For a moment she mentally argued against picking it up since it was probably filthy, but she decided she may as well given everything else she's been through today. She placed her bags on the floor making sure the rolls of fabric didn't fall out.

Picking it up, the first thing she checked was the date, it was today's paper alright. Then she checked the front page article and her eyes widened with shock. She knew Dipper needed to see this right away! She picked up her bags, newspaper in hand and started to head back to Dipper. Or rather she tried to, three steps and she had to stop or else her bags would lose their contents. Good thing her purse had a shoulder strap. Suddenly one of her father's lectures from her teenage years rang in her head.

"Maybe I do shop too much."

She knew she was going to need a ride, so she pulled out her cell phone, put the newspaper in her purse, and called the mechanic. Thankfully she had given her his number just in case.

"Hello? Have you set out for the cottage yet? Good! I need a ride back there so do you think you could come pick me up? You are by far the only redeeming citizen of this town I have came across... you're welcome."

Dipper sat on the step Pacifica had left him on, staring at his gun. He pulled out the glass container and stared at it's contents with a frown.

"This is almost completely empty. I have one shot at best. I thought I told her not to use the goop gun, now I can't use the whip!" His frown gradually disappeared as he sighed in peaceful defeat. "Oh well, I guess she had to do what she needed to do. I can't be mad at her over this; it does mean I'm going to have to make a fresh batch though. Oh! Maybe I can teach her how to make it! I'm sure she'll love that! I'll invite her to do it tomorrow!"

The G-Men had already showed up and after telling them how to pry Edna's gooped chin off the ground. Thankfully that had brought the BIG armored van like he requested. Edna was too weak to resist them physically but she did put up a fuss, complaining and shouting.

A tow truck rolled up and Dipper smiled as he spotted the engine in the back trunk. 'There goes half my paycheck.'

The truck came to a stop and to his surprise Pacifica came out of the passenger's seat. He was happy to see her, mostly because she was looking better. Yes happy last time he saw her, but she had what he liked to call After Battle Jitters. He'd seen it enough to recognize it, relief where you won but nervous due to doubt on it's completion. He couldn't blame her, his temperature theory worked better than he ever would have hoped. The laser had practically crippled her physically and emotionally. Pacifica probably thought Edna was going to pull something last moment, but he saw in her face that those thoughts go chased away as she witnessed Edna getting forced in to the armored vehicle. She protested but she knew she was too weakened to fight back.

Pacifica followed his gaze and frowned when she saw Edna trying to fit in to the truck, her horns were getting in the way. She felt like she should say something about it, maybe even get in a quick quip or something, but in all honesty she just wanted Edna gone. She wanted her out of her life and away from her forever. It was no secret she didn't like the woman but the quicker she was gone the better.

Of course while she was thinking these things Dipper had finished talking with the mechanic and was waiting for her to open her mind to him. She cleared her throat.

"I think I understand now why I was afraid of her. In some ways she reminds me of myself."

"Pacifica that's ridiculous! You're nothing like her!!"

"Yes, but if I hadn't met you Mabel back when we were twelve... I could have ended up just like her. Obviously without the magic, but vain, spoiled, selfish, self centered, egotistical, short tempered, and so on. Stepping on people, forcing things to go your way, I've been there. Just replace magic with money and I'd be every bit as horrible as she is. I'd be the worst..."

She stared down at the ground, reminiscing about how she treated people back when she was a child. It wasn't something she often dwell on but she did it just enough to remind herself not to fall back in to bad habits. Bad habits that Mabel and Dipper helped her kill.

"Then it's a good thing we did meet."

"Huh?" She looked at him in surprise, for a moment she had actually forgotten he was there.

"Because you're none of those things. You're the exact opposite! I've said it before and I'll say it again, you've grown up in to a real sweetheart Pacifica."

The two stared at each other for a moment in silence, they started to smile.

"AHEM!!"

The sudden voice made both of them jump. A third G-Man was carrying Edna's magic book and having great difficulty doing so. It was twice as thick as his head and had to carry it with both hands on the bottom and his chin on the top.

Dipper and Pacifica moved out of the way and the G-Man stepped past them one foot at a time.

"That's Edna's magic book?! It's huge!!"

"I know. Dipper, just moving that thing was a job in itself."

"Listen Pacifica," Dipper started. "I'm going to have to get serious with you for second. This case wasn't anything particularly unique, it was dangerous and we almost didn't make it out alive. This is how every case is, this is Tuesday to me and I..."

He was silent as he took a moment to compose himself, it wouldn't help to get himself overly emotional on this subject. "I owe it to you to give you a window out. This life style is dangerous and I won't think any less of you if you want out. The choice is yours."

She didn't take the offer lightly, this was a scary day for her. But she still persevered through and saved the day, she may have nearly died but she saved a lot of lives. And despite the fact that she went up against a nightmarish monster, she didn't get hurt. She faced her fears and came out on top.

"Actually Dipper, if all your cases are like this then I think I might be up for it."

Hope surged through Dipper as he smiled at her answer. "Really?"

"Yeah. Considering the fact this was my first day and the worse casualty I've gotten is being dirty, I think I did pretty good."

"If by good you mean awesome. Then yes, you did good. Very good!"

"I honestly believe I can handle this life style. It'll get a little bumpy at first but I..."

"Excuse me." Another G-Man interrupted. "I hate to interrupt but you need to handle this 'spice rack'."

"What? I thought you guys were going to handle all the evidence!"

"Normally we would, but the passenger's seat of the car is where we'll be putting the book, and we can't put in the back with the prisoner. The only way we'd be able to transport it is if one the escorts were to carry it and that's not happening. So here ya go."

Dipper stared at the rack with disbelief as it was handed to him.

"Wait, you can't just dump this on me!!"

"The Hell I can't! Our jurisdiction is transportation, your jurisdiction is weird spooky stuff. If you have to dispose of excess evidence than that's your problem. Make sure you fill out the paperwork for it when you're done."

Before Dipper could make a further argument against it the G-Man left.

"Terrific, now we have to find a place for this in the RV. On top of the oven stove is probably the only place I can think of where it wouldn't get in the way. You hang tight, I'm going to go put this away and talk with the mechanic."

As he walked off Pacifica gave a quick glance to the armored vehicle before calling out to Dipper.

"My bags are in the passenger seat of his truck!"

Dipper carried the rack in to the RV so Pacifica traveled down to the armored vehicle, she still had some things to say to Edna. The G-Men let her approach since Edna was in there with the doors closed.

"Edna? Are you in there?"

"Barbie?!" Edna's horrible face appeared in the barred window in between the doors. "Oh great, what the fuck do you want?!"

Edna seemed to be feeling a little better now, not enough to hock webbing at her but obviously enough to get snappy with her.

"I just want to make sure you don't give these nice gentlemen a hard time. I mean you're already hard to look at." Pacifica jabbed.

"Oh FUCK YOU!! I'd give you the finger right now but..."

"Right. Claws. To be honest if I was you I would have stopped with the spells and potions somewhere around the boil skin. You really are your own worst enemy."

Pacifica grinned as she continued to gloat while Dipper joined her from behind. He had come to an agreement with the mechanic and already got all of Pacifica's bags in the RV. Edna spotted him almost immediately.

"Dipper!!! Dipper, you're the only one who can get me out of this! Free me for old times sake!" Edna pleaded.

"Sorry Legs, but you're going up the river for a long time." Dipper adjusted his hat.

"But what about me? If I can't have your children then I won't be able to have children at all! Ever! What will I do?"

"Quite frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!"

Pacifica couldn't help but giggle at Dipper's line; he noticed.

"Oh you liked that did ya? Well I..."

As the driver headed for the front Edna's face glowed red with anger. "ENOUGH!! Dipper, I need to know! What is it she has that I don't?! You say it's because she cares better but I would have cared for our children!! So tell me what makes her so much better to you than me!!"

Dipper rolled his eyes, the feint sound of the engine starting up could be heard in the background. "I do believe I've already listed everything she has over you. Maybe you weren't listening or..."

The vehicle started to drive away but Edna's rage had reached a point where it needed to be heard.

"OR MAYBE YOU'RE JUST A SUCKER FOR BLONDE BIMBOS!!!" Edna screamed as she was taken away.

"Or maybe he's just not in to sluts!" Pacifica called back.

"Oh shit!! I hadn't thought of that!!"

As the vehicle drove away Pacifica pulled out the newspaper from her purse.

"Dipper the reason I came back so soon is because I need you to see this."

Dipper took it from her and was shocked when he spotted the headline.

JOHNATHON NORTHWEST OF NEW YORK CITY MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN EVER

The Rich Get Richer
Omake

Pacifica had made a small little scarf for herself inside the fabric store. She actually managed to find a shade of yellow which reminded her of a llama sweater Mabel had made for her when they were twelve. She found it complimented her hair very nicely and couldn't help but wonder if anybody would notice.

Walking down the street she noticed she had caught the eye of a couple of teenaged girls. Typical fashion divas, she wondered what they thought of her scarf.

"Brittany, check out that woman's scarf!"

"Oh I know Tiffany. She probably thinks she's, like, all that!"

"Yeah, that is such a knock off of the Coconut Libertarian scarf from, like, three seasons ago."

"I know, right? She's a total wannabe but I, like, wonder where she bought it."

Pacifica let out a heavy sigh.

"In a world full sheep I'm a llama." she deadpanned.

Chapter Text

Both Dipper and Pacifica stared at the newspaper on the table inside the RV.

"It is odd Pacifica, but are you sure he couldn't have just... I don't know, kept some money under his mattress or something? I mean Gruncle Stan had like fifty hiding places for money."

"No Northwest does that because it'd be too risky having the maid or the butler find it by accident and making off with it. No. I'm telling you, he had to have some type of supernatural help!"

Dipper stared at the newspaper harder. "Are you sure there isn't anyway he could have landed on his feet safely."

"No. I'm telling you Dipper, it just doesn't make sense. Even my father had no choice but to settle on becoming a warehouse manager, there is no reason for my cousin to be doing this well. By all accounts he should be in the poorhouse right now!"

Dipper rubbed his chin thought for a moment in silence before coming to a decision.

"Alright, you've convinced me."

"Really?"

She looked up from the newspaper at him with hope in her eyes.

"Yeah. You know him better than I do so if you say something funny is going on with him then I guess it's worth investigating."

"Great! Any theories on..."

"However," Dipper cut her off. "New York City is literally on the other side of the country, it would probably take months just to get there. So it's going to have to take a back seat in priorities."

"What? But..."

"The job has to come first Pacifica, but I promise we'll try and get there in between jobs."

Pacifica helplessly hung her shoulders. "I guess that'll have to do."

"For now why don't you grab a seat at the table and I'll put our new engine through it's paces."

Pacifica figured she might as well, she was more than ready to leave East Cadaverton. She sat down as Dipper moved to the driver's seat, the newspaper mocking her where it lay with it's mysteries.

"I know you did something. You dodged a magic bullet and I want to find out how!"

The RV started moving and Pacifica heard a loud *THUMP* on the roof, as if a branch just fell on top of it. She shrugged it off, it was probably nothing.

She silently cheered as they passed a sign which read 'Now Leaving East Cadaverton'.

"Good riddance to bad towns! Maybe now I can set up the sewing machine without worrying about Joe popping up out of nowhere."

The rest of the evening was pretty uneventful, Pacifica spent most of it making herself some baby blue buttoned pajamas. A bottom and a top. After that she immediately went to bed and slept a dreamless sleep.

The next morning Pacifica awoke to the sun shining in through the back window. Of course the brightness didn't bother her because Dipper had put in a curtain for the window beforehand so she wouldn't have to worry about any peeping toms. She appreciated the way he covered all his bases like that, it made her feel... secure. Yes, that was the word for it.

"Okay, time to see what Dipper is up to."

She dressed herself in the only actual clothes she bought herself yesterday, a white t-shirt, overall pants, and finally some steel toed boots. She did put her hair in a yellow scarf she had made from scratch. She had mixed feelings about the look, on one hand it gave her a rustic look that made her feel like some type of house painter, on the other hand it also gave her a down to earth feel which she felt was more honest given how she was living currently with her life.

The RV had been empty when she pulled back her curtain so she could only assume Dipper was outside. She walked pass the oven stove next to the couch and spotted Edna's 'spice rack' sitting parallel next to an actual spice rack. Dipper was usually pretty smart, but Pacifica had to question his logic on that one. Seemed like a mix up waiting to happen.

She opened the door to the outside and found that Dipper had parked them next to a river. The river itself was pretty wide but it didn't look like it was one of those fast running rivers but it was still teaming with life. There were lily pads (complete with flowers on them), plenty of duckweed, and even some reeds by the shoreline.

"Dipper? Are you alright? You seem out of breath."

"Yeah, its weird. I woke up like this if you can believe it. I guess I need to lay off the junkfood."

"So, why'd you stop us by a river?"

"Well you used up most of my goop yesterday so I need to resupply some more. And the only way to do that is to make it. I thought it would be a neat little treat if I taught you how to do that."

The idea did sound appealing, Pacifica was a little curious about how the goop was made and how it worked.

"Okay sounds like fun."

"Anyways, there's someone I want you to meet." He then slapped the surface of the river. "Brooke come on out!! Wake up Sleepy Head!!"

A large bubble of water floated out of the water and in to the air, this water soon started to sprout arms and legs and formed a slender torso. A head soon followed and then a face started to form. Before any private parts could form, a dress started to develop around the torso made of duckweed, lily flowers, and yes even the reeds on the bottom. Soon what was water became a flesh and blood human body complete with green dress.

She had clear see through hair but it was long enough to reach the small of her back. She appeared young but not overly so where she could be mistaken as an adolescent, a young adult at best. She also seemed in desperate need of a cup of coffee, such grogginess had only one cure. Yes she seemed tired, downright sleep deprived.

She landed back in the water without even making a splash and swam up to Dipper. She didn't really leave the water, resting on the riverbed, but she still met him face to face.

"Brooke this is Pacifica, she's my... compatriot. Pacifica this is my friend Brooke, she's a river nymph."

"What's a nymph?"

"Basically some part of nature in the area personified." explained Dipper.

"If it helps," chimed Brooke. "You can think of me as the spirit of this river."

"Would you like some coffee?" Pacifica couldn't stop herself from making the offer, the woman just seemed so tired.

"No, I want the exact opposite coffee."

Pacifica raised an eyebrow at her. "Huh?"

"You'll have to excuse her, Pacifica. Brooke suffers from extreme insomnia."

"Why?"

"Why does anyone suffer from insomnia? It could be any one of a thousand reasons!"

"Hey, still right here in front of you. Could you please not talk about me like I'm not here?"

"Right. Sorry Brooke. Anyways, I'm afraid it's that time again."

She smirked at him playfully. "Used it up already huh?"

"It was a doosy of an opponent, but don't worry I didn't forget about you." Dipper pulled out a small bag tied off at the top by some string. "Just remember, this is a bandaid solution at best. Not a cure."

"What is that?" asked Pacifica.

"Pixie dust." Dipper answered.

"Pixie dust? Like fly-me-off-to-Neverland-Peter-Pan kind of pixie dust?"

"No." Dipper and Brooke answered in unison.

"Pixie dust can put anything to sleep, like it or not. You get hit by it you're out like a light. Perfect solution for a nymph who suffers from extreme insomnia like I do." explained Brooke.

Dipper dug in to his right trench coat pocket and pulled out a regular empty jar and placed it in front of himself. Brooke looked at the bottle and then nodded at Dipper.

Brooke caressed the surface of the water with her hand, moving in rhythmic motions. She then swept the same hand in to the air before pointing it down in to the jar, from her fingers a strange fluid poured out. It looked like water but more solid.

"What is that? It reminds me of pudding skin!"

"Actually this stuff really doesn't have a name. Although I guess we could call it water skin." Brooke mused.

"Why not?" Dipper shrugged.

Brooke filled up the jar and then swam away backwards, floating in the water. "So are we done here?"

Dipper put a lid on the jar. "Yeah, I think we're good."

"Great!"

Then Brooke did something Pacifica had never seen anybody do. She smashed the bag against her face where it exploded in a pink sparkly cloud.

"Is she going to be okay?" Pacifica asked.

"Just watch."

As Brooke floated away asleep on her back her very being melted away in to the water.

"Wow! So is she...?"

"Asleep. You can chat more with her next time. Right now it's time for the next ingredient."

Pacifica sat in the RV and noticed Dipper still didn't seem quite right. He looked downright exhausted, she wasn't even sure he should be driving. Dipper had taken them to a camping park and even the forest park ranger said it looked like he could use some rest.

"Dipper, are you sure you're alright? We've been driving for an hour and you still seem tired."

"Yeah, I-I think I just need to switch back to caffeinated coffee. Hey! We're here!"

With the RV parked Pacifica got out to see nothing but pine trees surrounding them. "And exactly where is here? There's only pine trees here!"

"Yep. This is where we get out next ingredient. We need a pine tree but it has to be special, it can't be too tall or too short."

"That's too vague, Dipper! For all I know that could be anyone of these!!"

"Just start searching, I'll let you know if you find a good one."

"A good one?"

"Who better to judge pine trees than a Pines?"

Pacifica went to the first tree she spotted, she didn't know what to look for. She didn't know what he wanted, this was all complete guess work for her.

"How about this one?" She picked out some completely random tree and stood in front of it. She knew there was no way she could pick out the correct one without know the specifics of what Dipper was looking for, so she figured she might as well pick one at random and learn what Dipper was really looking for.

"That's perfect!!"

"What?" Pacifica looked back the tree behind her. It didn't look like anything special. "Really?" 'What are the odds?'

"Yeah! Good eye Pacifica! Let's get climbing!"

"Climbing?!"

"Yep." He walked over and grabbed a hanging branch to hoist himself up. "What we need is at the top."

"The tippy top?" Pacifica asked in a quiet voice.

"Afraid so. If you need a helping hand to get up h..."

Whatever Dipper was going to say halted immediately as he saw Pacifica grab the branch opposite him and pull herself up.

"You actually have some pretty good upper body strength, Pacifica. Did that come from ballet too?"

"Nope. Cheerleading."

"Wait, you were a cheerleader in high school?"

"Did you think I wouldn't be?"

"Fair point." It did make sense. Pacifica, nice or mean, was an elitist. She went for the gold or not at all, and with cheerleaders usually being on top of a high school social pyramid it was only natural she'd try to be one.

The tree wasn't that tall but there was a number of weak branches they had to avoid so it took them about an hour to reach the top. They now stood adjacent to one another on branches just barely able to hold them. Pacifica had actually managed to beat Dipper to the top, something was wrong. Either he wasn't telling her something or he simply wasn't aware that what was happening to him wasn't his fault. "Wow! I can't believe you beat me up here. I guess I need to work out a little more."

She gave him an uneasy grin but he didn't seem to notice.

Dipper took out a pair of tweezers and carefully plucked something off the top pine needle between them. It seemed to be some kind of moss, the exact same shade of green as the pine needles. If Dipper hadn't pulled it off Pacifica might never had known it was even there.

"What is that?"

"This is magic pine moss. Most people don't even know it exists because it's so rare. It only appears on the top of pine trees when it reaches a certain height."

*SNAP!*

They both immediately looked down and saw the part of the branch Dipper was standing on was starting to break.

"Oh shi-"

Pacifica quickly shot out and grabbed him by the arm and pulled him over to a stronger part of the branch closer to the tree. This action saved his life, but it also brought him nose to nose with Pacifica. She blushed furiously at the close proximity while Dipper stared at her with eyes the size of saucers. Dipper was the first to come to their senses. "Ahem. Thank you Pacifica. I usually stand on the part of the branch closer to the tree itself to avoid close calls like this but I guess I need more sleep."

Pacifica's blush died down and she snapped back to her senses. "More sleep?"

"Yeah, you know how when you wake up in the morning and it feels like your mind is in a fog? That's me right now, it never really left me at breakfast like it was supposed to."

Pacifica gave him a concerned look but Dipper did his best to ignore it. "Let's climb down, shall we?"

As he climbed down Pacifica continued to watch him with concern. "What's happening to you Dipper?"

Getting back in the van, they only drove for a little while before stopping again. Even though they hadn't traveled far, the sun was already starting to set.

"Dipper, I think something's wrong with you. You're way too tired, maybe I should drive next."

Stepping out of the car, Dipper turned to give her a look. "Do you have a license to drive an RV?"

"Um...no."

"Didn't think so. Come on, we gotta get the shovels."

"Shovels?"

Yes shovels. As it turned out, Dipper needed them to dig in a location that didn't seem to have anything unique to Pacifica. Just a large rock they were trying to digging next to, it did seem a little out of place though. They were both digging the same hole and had gotten about as far down as to their shins. Pacifica didn't want to dig in the dark so she made sure to put a little extra pep in her shoveling.

"Dipper, what are we even digging for?"

"Magnesium! This stuff is special though, it's a version discovered by my Great Uncle Ford."

Dipper took notice that Pacifica's side of the hole seemed to be deeper than his. He was a little disappointed he had fallen behind her, but he was also impressed at how quickly the former heiress had taken this to task.

"Wow Pacifica, you're really good at shoveling."

A mental image of manure shoveler Nathanial Northwest flashed in Pacifica's mind. "Please don't say that, Dipper."

"Hey! That's it!" Dipper reached in to her side of the hole and pulled out a strange stone. It looked crystal like and yet somehow metallic. It even had a certain sparkle to it.

*CRACKATHOOM!*

Both immediately jumped at the boom of thunder before looking skyward as storm clouds started to gather.

"Guess we'll have to make it tomorrow. Right now what do you say we turn in?"

Pacifica sat in the driver's seat, she didn't like how Dipper was constantly tired throughout the day. Only now when he was asleep did he seem to be recovering, there had to be something weird going on. And she had no idea how to help. The pitter patter of rain on the window shield did little to comfort her. They had a small leak in the roof which caused an annoying drip but it was nothing that placing a coffee mug under it couldn't fix. Of course she did this by herself as Dipper had immediately laid down in his fold out couch bed, still in his clothes and trench coat. The short amount of time it took him to fall asleep was astonishing, he must have been fighting his urge to sleep all day.

"I just wish I knew what was going on!"

She kicked the dashboard out of frustration. The glove compartment fell open because of this and all of it's contents fell out. A flash of lightning revealed Dipper's journal amongst the other numerous papers and folders on the passenger seat.

"If anything has the answers to what's going on, it's Dipper's journal."

She turned on an overhead light which offered a dim glow. There were all types of creatures in the pages but none yet which would seem responsible for what was happening to Dipper.

"The Jersey Devil... there's nothing here. Why would Dipper leave this page blank?" She turned her head to look at Dipper's sleeping form. "What kind of secrets are you hiding from the world? And why?"

She quickly shook the cobwebs from mind. The last thing she needed to do was question the actions of the man who was giving her a second chance in life. "If Dipper thinks I need to know something then he'll tell me when he thinks I need to know."

The next page held what she might have been looking for.

"Beware the Boo Hag. A red creature without any skin, they gain sustenance from a person's breath by riding their victims. In order to blend in with human populace they will steal a victim's skin and wear it like clothing. They will keep the skin for as long as it holds up. They will remove and hide this skin before riding. When a hag determines a victim is suitable for riding, the hag will generally gain access to the home through a small crack, crevice, or hole. The hag will then position themselves over the sleeping victim, sucking their breath. This act renders the victim helpless, and induces a deep dream-filled sleep. The hag tends to leave the victim alive, so as to use them again for their energy. However, if the victim struggles, the hag may take their skin, leaving the victim to suffer. After taking the victim's energy, the hag flies off, as they must be in their skin by dawn or be forever trapped without skin. When the victim awakes, they may feel short of breath, but generally the victim only feels tired."

It fit. It sounded exactly like what they were dealing with. "How did it get in though? I..." It was at this moment that Pacifica suddenly remembered the leak in the roof. It was ridiculously small but it was the only hole which fit the bill. She had to have used some type of magic to fit in, it was the only rational explanation.

"Okay, so now that I know what's causing this, let's how I stop it." Her eyes darted left to right as she continued to read silently. "... Oh you got to be kidding me!"

One hour later...

Pacifica was hiding in wait, she had found a hiding spot in the closet of all places. Cliche to say the least but at least it offered her a hidden viewing point of Dipper. She couldn't help but feel uncomfortable watching him, yes she was doing this to catch a monster but she still felt like a stalker watching their prey sleep.

She didn't have to wait long when the sound of water dripping in the mug stopped. From the left came a woman who was exactly as the book described her, red with no skin. She made a weird sound as she walked, like if somebody had jelly sacks on the bottom of their feet. For a reason which Pacifica couldn't fathom, she wasn't bleeding all over the place when she walked. Even though she didn't have any skin there was still something about her which gave the impression of old age. She moved tenderly, like moving too quickly could cause her a great amount of pain.

"Okay big boy..."

The Boo Hag looked over Dipper's body with a predatory grin.

Pacifica got Dipper's gun at the ready, already setting the dial for the laser.

"You ready to... is that a broom at the head of your bed?" Her attention focused solely on the broom now. "Is that a new broom or an old broom? How many pieces of straw does it have?" She started to look nervous, like a person who desperately needed to scratch a spot on their back. "I need to know!"

The Boo Hag almost made a straight beeline for the broom when Pacifica jumped out of the closet pointing Dipper's gun at her.

"Freeze!" Pacifica whispered harshly.

She had caught the Boo Hag before she started to 'ride' Dipper but Pacifica didn't want to take the chance of him waking up to have his skin stolen anyways.

The Boo Hag threw up her arms immediately in surrender. Her eyes darted to Dipper, still sound asleep; she was impressed with how deep the detective could sleep.

"Outside." ordered Pacifica quietly.

It was no longer raining outside so that meant the Boo Hag would be easier to find if she decided to run off. There was still plenty of mud outside so even if she ran Pacifica would still be able to track her.

Outside, Pacifica had walked them a considerable distance in to the forest before stopping.

"Okay Boo Hag, I got some questions and you're going to answer them! Got it?!"

The Boo Hag slowly turned around and grinned. "Oh I got it, but the question is... do you got me?"

Before she could ask what she was talking about, the Boo Hag shot off of the ground and soared in to the air. She cackled evilly as flew around the trees. She did make a dive sweep at Pacifica who just barely managed to duck in time to dodge her.

"And just what made you think you could--OH SHOOT!"

The Boo Hag darted backwards as a laser beam from the ground had cut off her flight path and was now chasing after. Down on the ground, Pacifica was being as careful as she could not to actually hit her. She wanted her grounded, not burned; not after still having Edna's scream still rattling around her memories.

"Boo Hag!!! You are under arrest for the crimes of stealing the energy of a paranormal officer of the law, breaking and entering, and resisting arrest!!!"

The laser cut off a branch from a tree which nearly hit the Boo Hag on it's way down. However, as it caught fire on the ground the smell of the gun's battery burning reached Pacifica's nose, it was going to give out soon. Surprisingly it didn't have to as the Boo Hag landed on the ground next to the burning branch with her hands in the air.

"OKAY, I GIVE! JUST QUIT BRINGING THE HEAT!"

Pacifica shut off the laser and lowered the gun a little. "Really? Just like that?"

"In case you haven't noticed, I have no skin! I can't really AFFORD wounds or injuries!! I'm nowhere near as tough as I pretend to be."

The smoking battery from the gun was jettisoned and quickly replaced.

"Okay then, quick Q&A before I slap the cuffs on you. First off, why Dipper of all people? Why not someone else? Why steal his life energy?"

"The answer to that is another question. Why not? I'm not picky! I chose him randomly."

"Luck of the draw huh? Second, you did know he was a paranormal detective right?"

"I don't even know what that is!!"

"Basically what it sounds like. Afraid you're looking at jail time, or wherever we send you. Third, when did you infiltrate our RV?"

"Do you remember something hitting your roof as you left the last town? That was me hitching a ride."

"Next, why come back a second time? Wasn't once enough?"

"This is basically my food we're talking about. Why pass up an easy meal?"

"Last question; how long were you planning to keep this up?"

"Not that long, I swear! Just until you got to a new town or I could jump on to a different car. I know I may seem like an evil witch..."

"Flying and cackling seems to leave an impression of that."

"This is what I do to survive!! I can't eat fruit or veggies like humans! I'm like a vampire, I feed on what I feed because that's the only food I can handle! It's the only way I can live!"

Pacifica put Dipper's gun away and gave the Boo Hag a second look. She seemed less intimidating and evil now, if anything you seemed meek and scared. For pity's sake she was shivering out of fear. Compared to Edna, she wasn't really that bad. She didn't want Dipper dead, she just wanted sustenance to live.

"I'll make you deal. I won't arrest you, let you go, and in return you won't ever bother either us again. Sound fair?"

"Deal! And don't worry! Being a coward is how I've survived! I'm going to get as far away from you two as possible!"

Dipper awoke the next morning feeling energized. He climbed out of his fold out bed and saw Pacifica talking to some old lady through the window.

"Okay, you got your skin and clothes off the roof! Now I'd better not see you again!"

The old lady just gave her a quick nod and ran off.

"You're up early. Anything important happen while I was sawing logs?"

Pacifica smiled to herself. "Nothing you need to worry about."

I'll tell him if he brings it up.'

Dipper shrugged. If Pacifica felt what was going with the old lady was important she would have told Dipper. She had built up that kind of trust in him.

*BEEP!**BEEP!**BEEP!*

"Sounds like work."

Dipper opened the laptop while Pacifica placed his gun on his bed. She saw him frown at the job, but it wasn't the same kind of frustrated frown he had with East Cadaverton. This seemed more...annoyed?

"Oh great 'him'! Last thing I need is to think about him first thing in the morning!"

He obviously didn't want to talk about it at the moment, but Pacifica needed to make sure he had recovered from the Boo Hag's visit.

"Um Dipper? It isn't raining anymore. Do you still want to teach me how to make that 'goop'?"

He seemed to perk up at this. "Yeah! Get the ingredients and I'll meet you outside!"

On the hood of the RV sat the jar of the water skin and the magnesium. One the ground were twelve empty canisters for Dipper's gun. Dipper delicately lowered the moss from the pine tree in to the jar; the water skin turned completely green upon absorbing the moss.

"Next, I take the magnesium with a..."

"A cheese grater?"

"That's right!" Dipper scrapped the magnesium against the cheese grater causing the pieces to fall in to the concoction. "Now stand back!"

*POOF!*

In a puff of smoke the contents of the jar now resembled the goop usually found in the canisters for Dipper's gun. Yet some how it seemed thicker, almost clay like. Dipper then took the tweezers and plucked some goop off the top of the surface and dropped it in to one of the empty canisters. The small piece then started to grow until it filled the entire container, much to Pacifica's amazement.

Dipper seemed to enjoy the fact that he had impressed her. He tipped his hat back and smiled at her. "It's important to note that this is only possible when the goop is made fresh. This would never work with a week old batch." Repeated this until all the canisters were filled.

Pacifica was impressed by all this but she was also relieved Dipper seemed back to normal. "How about I make you some breakfast to celebrate?"

"You cook?" he smiled at her.

"Well nothing fancy. Just pancakes."

"I like pancakes. I think there might even be a picnic area nearby!"

"Great! Dipper, I need to know something. You didn't seem to like this job either, so what's wrong with this one? You mentioned a 'him'."

"I'm being asked for help from... well I guess you would call him a bad friend. Jack Frost."

"Jack Frost? Like the one from that movie Ri..."

"NO!!!" Dipper snapped. "He is NOTHING like what Hollywood has portrayed!! I'M... I'm sorry Pacifica. He's just... he's just always trouble."

Pacifica relaxed a little at Dipper's apology. "It's okay. With my parents and their habits I guess I can understand how you feel a little bit. Where's he calling from?"

"Minnesota."

"That's a few states away."

"Yep. I also checked my pockets earlier and we're running low on gun batteries so we can get a resupply of them from Candy at Mabel's craft shop."

"Wait! Then you mean..."

"That's right, it's time to go visit my sister!"

Omake

Pacifica worked quietly at the oven stove making the pancake mix. It was a simple recipe she knew of with just a bit of zing to it, she had already added the ketchup but it needed more. Turns out Dipper had an apron for her to use but it was one of those joke aprons. Apparently it belonged to his Grunkle Stan, it read 'Pay the chef'. It even had little pockets to hold her spatula.

"Let's see, next I need some cinnamon."

She absentmindedly reached out for the cinnamon but instead pulled an ingredient off of Edna's rack. She absentmindedly sprinkles the glowing pieces in to the batter on the frying pan as she watched Dipper at the picnic table setting plates.

She turned to get some more butter from the fridge, unaware her cooking was starting to glow. Pacifica turned back around to see her half baked pancake reach out at her with a batter tentacle.

"AAAAAGH!!"

She swatted it away with her spatula but the rest of the edible monster seemed determined to get her. She made a quick slash at it's midsection with the spatula in a desperate attempt to keep it away. Instead of reeling in pain, it opened the wound further turning it in to a mouthing maw.

It grabbed a syrup bottle from the regular spice rack and guzzled it down in a quick squeeze through the hole Pacifica had made. It lurched for a second before spraying the syrup back out at Pacifica like a liquid projectile. Pacifica yelped in surprise as the blast hit her in the face, knocking her to the floor.

She got to her feet and quickly grabbed the Viking Battleaxe hanging on it's hooks above. The pancake monster had refueled and was preparing for a second blast but Pacifica was ready this time. The pancake monster sprayed a geyser of syrup at Pacifica again but there was more of it now than a single bottle could have held. Pacifica held the flat of the blade in front of her to act as a shield. The force pushed her back a little but when it finally died down she swung the axe for all it was worth, screaming a wordless battle cry.

Dipper waited at the picnic table patiently with fork and knife in hand. After setting the table he had left to use the bushes as it were. He thought he heard her scream on his way back but now he only heard normal kitchen noises, so he assumed everything was fine.

His assumption was shattered when she kicked the door to the RV open, covered in ketchup and syrup. She seemed to be carrying something on the flat of the blade to his battle axe. He had so many questions he didn't know where to start.

She dropped whatever was on the blade on to his plate. It looked like a pancake that had died in battle, he wasn't even sure he could call it a pancake anymore. However, the most disturbing thing was that it was bleeding.

"It's bleeding! Why is it bleeding?! HOW is it bleeding?! WHAT is it bleeding?!"

"KETCHUP!!!"

Pacifica stood and panted heavily for a good long moment. Then when her breathing came back to normal, she straightened her apron and regained her composure.

"Now if you excuse me, I'm going to take a long hot shower! I have a lot of syrup to get out of my hair!" She then stabbed a fork in to the pancake monster's body. "Eat up!"

As she walked back inside the RV almost in a huff, Dipper stared at her retreating form then back at pancake monster before shouting something to her inside.

"I'M COOKING LUNCH!!"

Chapter Text

Dipper had driven them through two states already and the trip had been surprisingly quiet. Not in the awkward silence way but in that they had no other monsters giving them trouble kind of way. Since their adventure with Edna, Dipper had been mailing a letters to Mabel with details on the cases he and Pacifica had solved. They had made a couple of stops naturally, to things like eat and chat or just to get more gas. Yet through these small acts they found themselves enjoying the company of each other a little more each time. Once they had even stopped at a picnic table just to play chess. Before they knew it, two weeks had already passed.

Night had covered their surroundings as Dipper drove up to large building. It reminded Pacifica of an Office Depot building, the only difference being the giant words on the top of the building spelling out the words 'The Craft Shack'. Naturally the S of the sign looked like it was going to fall off at any second.

Pacifica had fallen asleep in the passenger seat. Her face was resting against her buckled seat belt and there was drool starting to leak out of her mouth. Dipper didn't know why, but for whatever reason, he smiled at the scene.

"Pacifica... time to wake up." Dipper gently shook her by the shoulder causing her to groggily wake up.

"Wha-What's going on?"

"We're here Sleepy Head."

She pried her face off the seat belt and hazily took in her surroundings. "And here is where?"

Dipper pointed at the building in front of them. "Why the Craft Shack of course!"

No sooner had he pointed it out then the S on the sign fell off the building and on to the ground.

Pacifica took a moment to let it all soak in before touching the part of her face she had sleeping on the seat belt with. "Why does my face hurt?!"

"You fell asleep on the seat belt."

"Ugh! Why didn't you wake me?!"

"You were drooling."

"UGH!!"

"It was actually kind of adorable."

Pacifica blushed angrily before unbuckling herself and storming off in to the back.

"Pacifica! Don't go! Come on!" Dipper called out to her. "I'm only teasing!"

"I'm going to go fix my face! You go and find a parking spot or whatever!"

Since since the 'Shack' was closed at the moment he literally had the entire parking lot to pick from. All of that became irrelevant though when he saw a figure running towards the RV. He parked the RV in a space and almost immediately got out to greet this figure. He knew there was only one person it could be. When she tackled him with a hug at the speed of a shooting star it only confirmed his theory!

"It is so good to see you again Dipping-Sauce!" Mabel exclaimed.

Mabel was hugging him so hard that she had lifted him off the ground. Naturally she was squeezing the life out of him but he would expect nothing less from his sister.

"Missed you too, Mabel." Dipper wheezed.

Mabel had kept her hair long but it had been a long time since she used a headband for it. She was dressed in a lime green jogging top with hot pink sweatpants with matching ankle and wrist weights.

She placed him on the ground and looked around the area.

"So did you bring her?"

"She's living with me Mabel, I kind of have to."

"I've been reading the letters you sent me about your adventures with her to the girls. What you two have has been making us scream like a bunch of twelve year old little girls!"

Dipper scrunched his face in disappointment.

"Mabel, I sent you those letters to stay in touch and keep you in the loop, not so you and your friends can play matchmaker!"

Mabel rolled her eyes at her brother.

"Dipper it's going to happen with or without my meddling. You may as well just start smooching her now and save me the trouble of tricking you two in to doing it later!"

"Mabel, come on!" he pleaded. "It isn't like that! She's just a friend from ten years ago who just so happens to be very good back up in a crisis!"

"Who you call 'Sweetheart'."

Dipper sighed in defeat. Mabel's mind would not be changed on this, but there was still one thing he could do.

"Hey what's that over there?" Dipper asked pointing in a random direction.

"Huh?"

As soon as Mabel had her back turned to Dipper, he flipped her hair over head where it hung in front of her face.

"Ah, the more things change the more they stay the same."

Through the mass of hair Mabel's tongue repeatedly stuck out through it as she tried to spit hair out of her mouth. It was at this time that the door to the living quarters of the RV opened up and Pacifica came out. Somehow she managed to get rid of the belt imprint on her face, but she took attention away from her face with her outfit just to be safe. It was another piece she had sewn together, a purple shirt with shoulderless straps and a white skirt. Mabel greeted her the same way she did Dipper but since Pacifica didn't see her coming this came as a surprise.

"AAAghhh!! What's happening?!"

Because of how Mabel was hugging her Pacifica couldn't really see who her 'attacker' was.

"Thank you so much for having my brother's back!!"

"What the... Mabel??"

Mabel placed her back on the ground where Pacifica shuddered involuntarily.

"Why are you sweaty?!"

"Sorry about that! You guys kind of caught me in the middle of my third evening jog."

Pacifica seriously considered chewing Mabel out for getting sweat on her, but since this was there first meeting in ten years she decided to just let it go. So she took a deep breath, mentally took a step back from the situation, and let it out.

"Good to see you, Mabel. How's your putting?"

Before Mabel could answer a purple ring of fire appeared right behind her, and in the center of the ring was a pupil. "DIPPER PINES!!! I WISH TO RENEGOTIATE OUR DEAL!!!"

Yes, out from the ring came none other than the floating eyeball himself, Lenny. Since this was the first time Pacifica had seen him... well... not-on-fire; she took note that he wasn't just an eyeball. He seemed to have a layer of purple eyelid skin which covered his 'body'. Oddly enough there weren't any burn marks on him from his last form, almost as if it had never happened. He was completely ignorant of Mabel's and Pacifica's presence though, focusing his attention solely on Dipper.

Mabel spotted how annoyed Dipper looked before Pacifica did though so she was first to intercept the eyeball.

"SIX MONTHS IS TOO..."

"LENNY!!" Mabel cheered.

"What is...Oh is that you Mabel? How's every little thing?" Upon spotting her Lenny gave her an eye smile.

"Well I gotta say, over the years I've become even sparklier!"

Mabel dug in to her sweatpant's pocket and pulled out a handful of glitter. She opened her palm and blew the glitter, covering Lenny in the pink sparkles.

"AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! ATTACK GLITTER!!! IT'S PRETTY BUT IT HURTS!!! MY ONE WEAKNESS!!!"

Blinded by pain, Lenny swerved all over the place in a blind panic before smacking in to the wall of the RV. "OOOOOOWWWWWW!!! THE PAIN INTENSIFIES!!!"

"LENNY!!! Lenny!! Lenny. You have to stop moving and listen to me! Just calm down for a second." Mabel pleaded.

Lenny stopped moving like Mabel asked but he was starting tear up awfully fast. "O-Okay..." *sob* "but it hurts!!"

"I know it does Lenny," Mabel put her arm the back of Lenny's body in a friendly manner. "but that's why you need to listen to me. You need to go home, take a shower, and wash all that glitter off. Then you're going to want a fire in your fireplace so you can roast some marshmallows until you feel better."

"Can I have some hot chocolate too?"

"Of course! You can even throw in some mini-marshmallows."

Lenny made a noise which the others could guess was his equivalent for a sniffle. "I guess that does sound pretty nice. Okay, I'll head home!"

The ring of fire reappeared and Lenny gave a final sob before disappearing inside it.

"I didn't know you knew Lenny, Mabel."

"Oh yeah Pacifica, I met him once when Dipper came for a visit. Sweet guy but no brains. I have to continue my run but you guys go inside and make yourselves at home. Candy and Grenda are already inside waiting for you."

"Thanks Mabel! Come on Pacifica, let's go."

Mabel watched the two walk off towards the building with an approving nod.

"Okay, now that that's over with..." Mabel put a sweatband on her head. "Mabel is shifting in to second gear!"

Mabel did a couple of deep breaths before running off.

Back with Dipper and Pacifica, Dipper almost apologized for Mabel's actions but Pacifica had cut him off.

"Since when did Mabel become such a fitness freak?" asked Pacifica.

"The age of fourteen if you can believe it. It was around that time she discovered her love of sweets and junk food had turned against her, giving her body fat. Ever since, she's been working herself like a dog to ensure she burns off every ounce of fat she gains. You know, for cuteness' sake."

"Wouldn't it just be easier to eat healthier?"

"Not for Mabel."

The walk towards the Crafts Shack wasn't that long but it did give them a little time for small talk.

"Now that we got a moment, I got to say I'm impressed you got rid of the seat belt mark on your face. How did you do that?"

"I know all type of makeup secrets. That wasn't anything special."

"So you're not going to tell me?"

She smiled at him playfully. "A girl's got to have secrets. Besides, I thought you liked a mystery."

He smiled back. "Is that what you're doing? Giving a mystery to solve?"

"What makes you think you can solve it?"

"What makes you think I can't?"

"AHEM!!"

The interruption of a third voice snapped them back to reality. They had entered the building without even realizing it and what's more they were being watched. A few feet away from them was a table with various baskets and flowers, but seated at this table were two faces which they hadn't seen in quite a while, Candy and Grenda.

"If you two are done flirting..."

"Then how about you come over here and greet some old friends?"

Dipper and Pacifica blushed lightly as they made their way to the table. Grenda had grown even bigger than Pacifica would have expected; so much so that even Soos would have to look up to her now, albeit not by too much. Wearing a black shirt and green shorts, Grenda was covered from head to toe in athletic padding; including but not limited to: a helmet, elbow pads, knee pads, wrist guards, and shin guards.

Candy on the other hand was more or less what Pacifica had predicted. She was tall but skinny, her hair only went down to her shoulders but the sparkly green bow in it seemed to compliment her very nice. Her green shirt matched her bow quite pleasantly while being covered up by a work apron. Her name tag hanging off her shoulder strap spelled out her in name in pink glitter glue. There was one thing that stood out above all the others though, there were no glasses on her. Yes, Candy had gone under laser-eye treatment in her late youth.

They must have been working on an elaborate decoration for the store given how the table was covered in reeds, glue, and flowers. Since Dipper and Pacifica had interrupted them before they could make any real progress on it there was no telling what they were actually trying to make.

"We weren't flirting!" Dipper insisted. "We were... um..."

As Dipper started floundering for an answer, he turned to Pacifica for help only to see she was about as helpless as he was.

"We were... uh..." Pacifica did her best to find the appropriate word for it but nothing seemed to fit. "Challenging each other??"

She knew it sounded like a pathetic excuse but it was all she could think of to defend themselves.

Instead of calling them out on the lame excuse or teasing them further, Candy and Grenda just shared a look and a giggle before dropping the subject entirely.

"Pull up a chair! We were just talking about you guys!" Grenda invited.

Sitting adjacent to Candy and Grenda, Dipper and Pacifica were careful not to rest their arms on any of the number of different flowers on the table.

"So what were you saying about us?" Dipper asked.

"We're really thrilled you guys have been kicking so much ass together!!!" screamed Grenda.

"Mabel's readings of Dipper's letters have become the highlights of our days." added Candy.

"Yeah, well I didn't know she was reading them to the two of you!" snapped Dipper. "From now on I'll be holding back when I'm writing those letters if she isn't going to be keeping them to herself!"

Their excitement seemed to deflate at this news.

"Oh come on, we promise it hasn't left this table." pleaded Grenda.

"We've been very quiet about it around customers." added Candy.

It didn't look like Dipper was going to give but Pacifica found herself feeling sorry for Candy and Grenda as disappointment started to appear on their faces. Pacifica had to guess it gave them a sense of nostalgia from when they were twelve, and she could relate to that. So she cut Dipper off before he could put his foot down and crush them. "What are you girls making on this table anyways?"

Dipper gave Pacifica an odd look but Candy and Grenda didn't seem to notice.

"It's a giant reed reef we're making for charity!" Candy explained.

"Which charity?" Dipper asked.

"WE DON'T KNOW YET!!!" yelled Grenda.

Pacifica and Dipper exchanged a confused look before Candy started to explain. "We always have charities coming to us asking us to make them something special, but with so many asking us to support their cause over the other, it was hard to pick just one. So Mabel devised a way to pick one fairly."

"RANDOM RAFFLE LOTTERY!" Grenda cheered.

Since they still looked confused Candy continued. "We place all the names of the charities in a raffle spinner, pull one out, and that's the charity we donate our decoration to. And if it is one the charities one of us wanted to support than that person gets to handle the delivery, if not then Mabel does it."

"Sounds like fun." Pacifica admitted. She then focused her attention the body padded woman. "Grenda I need to know, what's with the gear?"

"I just got back from my roller derby practice, we have a match coming up next week and we got to be READY!!"

Dipper was about to switch the conversation back to the letters, so Pacifica pushed the topic of Grenda's team a little further. "So what's your team called?"

"WE'RE THE SLAMMAZONS!!!" Grenda shouted while slamming her fist in to the table.

"Fascinating; girls would you mind if I talked with Pacifica alone for a second?" asked Dipper.

Candy and Grenda exchanged a look which Dipper knew all too well. No matter what he said or did, they would think it would be so he could 'alone time' with her. "Sure thing Dipper, we'll be right here."

Dipper got up and lead Pacifica away by the hand to a nearby isle where Candy and Grenda couldn't see them.

"Pacifica, what do you think you're doing?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're trying to keep me from telling them to stop reading my letters buy cutting me off and I want to know why!"

Pacifica sighed in defeat. "Alright, you caught me. Listen Dipper, I know these letters to your sister are very personal and everything but they mean a lot to those two. Can't you just trust Mabel's judgement on this one?"

Dipper gave Pacifica a look of surprise.

"Pacifica, I don't want those letters being read to anyone because they involve you!"

"What?"

"Pacifica, you've already gone through so much. Bankruptcy, eviction, kidnappings, murderous monsters... you've already been through enough without Candy and Grenda judging you."

Pacifica stared at him blankly for a moment before a small blush started to form on her face. "That's very sweet of you Dipper but not necessary! I stopped caring about what other people thought of me a long time ago. And it doesn't sound like they want to hear about our adventures so they can look down on me, I think they just enjoy hearing about our adventures."

Dipper smiled. "Impressive Sweetheart, but what about them making romantic connections between us?"

"Who cares?! You and I know there's nothing there so what does it matter?"

There was a deafening silence as soon as the words left her mouth. Dipper's smile disappeared and Pacifica averted her gaze from him.

"...Yeah..."

"I don't know, if there was nothing there then the tension here probably wouldn't be so awkward." said a third voice.

"What the...?" Pacifica looked all around her to find out where the new voice was coming from. "Mabel? Is that you? Where are you?"

"Closer than you think." Dipper reached over and pulled off a gallon of glitter glue on the shelf next to Pacifica's head to reveal the grinning face of Mabel behind it; Pacifica gave a startled jump at her sight.

"Um...how much did you hear?"

"Oh Pacifica, the one thing you need to learn about me is that I hear everything. Dipper, why don't you get your batteries from Candy while me and Pacifica have a little girl talk."

"Alright, I'll see you later Pacifica." Before walking off Dipper pointed at Mabel seriously. "Mabel, be nice to Pacifica! Okay?"

"I'm always nice Dipper. Besides I wouldn't want to do anything to embarrass your NEW GIRLFR..."

Dipper had silenced Mabel by stuffing a rather large marshmallow in to Mabel's mouth. "MMMM!!! MMmm? Mmmmmmmmmm."

As Mabel started to eat her gift marshmallow, Dipper turned to Pacifica with a smile. "When you're expecting Mabel, you bring marshmallows."

Pacifica let out a small giggle at his actions.

With the marshmallow successfully devoured, Mabel set herself back on track.

"Dipper, you can go get those batteries now. I can handle Mabel."

"Alright but Pacifica, if Mabel starts to cross a line or is just too much for you to handle, just call for me and I'll get her off your back."

"Thanks but," Pacifica watched as Mabel tried to pull her head off the shelf only to find herself stuck. "I think I got this covered."

With a final yank Mabel freed herself from the shelf although the isle rack itself seemed to shake from it.

"Pacifica, walk with me, talk with me. It's time to feed waddles and I could always use an extra pair of hands."

A cozy fire blazed in the fireplace, warming the surrounding area and all of it's contents, shelves filled with books shimmered in the light of the fire. In the seat of an easy chair, wrapped in a lush purple bathrobe was none other... than Lenny. He turned another page in the book he was reading before letting out a content sigh.

Another page turn and a sudden stroke for realization hit him.

"Hey wait a second!! I never got to renegotiate my deal with Dipper!!"

He considered getting up out of his chair to confront Dipper again but ultimately decided against it.

"Meh. I'm already in my bathrobe."

"Holy Bacon, that's a big pig!!"

Waddles squealed in approval at Pacifica's exclamation. In his own private pen Waddles rolled in the mud, the picket fence surrounding it prevented any mud from escaping.

"Yeah, I always knew my Waddles was a special pig. Who would have thought he would grow up to be a seven year blue ribbon winning county fair pig?!"

Even Pacifica had to admit that Waddles' size was impressive, Mabel could ride on him if she wanted to. Pacifica helped Mabel pour the large bag of Bobby Renzobi's Choice Feed in to the trough.

"So still enjoying that pink mini-golf putter I got you for your thirteenth birthday?"

"Cha! It's my lucky putter! So anyways, the reason I asked you out here is because I need to know something. What do you think of my brother?"

Pacifica almost dropped the bag from the surprise bluntness of Mabel's question. "What's that supposed to mean?!"

"I mean what do you think of the detective he's become? Do you still think he's a nerd? Do you find him annoying? Do you think he's hot? Where do you stand on the whole Dipper front?"

Pacifica said nothing and let the bag empty. As the last bit of feed left the bag, she took a deep breath and faced Mabel giving her the full attention she deserved.

"I barely recognized Dipper when I saw him again after ten years. When we were kids he always came across to me as wimpy and scrawny, smart but frail. Of course the adventure at the mansion let me see him in a whole new light. Then ten years went by and he walked back in to my life like something from a black and white noir movie. He's grown and matured a lot, it's almost like he's a completely different person. Turns out the little boy who guided me to grace as a little girl, has grown in to a man. Perhaps 'guided' is too strong of a word, but he certainly pointed me in the right direction."

Mabel was grinning from ear to ear and there was something about it which disturbed Pacifica.

"Uh why are you looking at me like that?"

"I think you're falling for my brother!"

"I think you have glue gun stuck to your arm!" Pacifica retorted before walking away.

Mabel held up her right arm and saw a glue gun glued underneath. Mabel narrowed her eyes 'dangerously' at Pacifica. "Touche."

Pacifica didn't get far before Mabel joined her on the trip back to the table. "Now it's my turn to ask a question!"

Mabel shrugged nonchalantly. "Okay, shoot!"

"Why didn't you and Dipper come back for ten years?"

Pacifica had asked this tenderly but it became obvious it wasn't needed as Mabel rolled her eyes.

"Oh trust me, it wasn't because we didn't want to! It was all our parents doing."

"Your parents?"

Pacifica expected a lot of different answers but forbidding parents wasn't one of them.

"Yeah! One of those little mini-golf people stowed away in my suitcase. They weren't exactly thrilled to see him, by which I mean they freaked out! After that they went through my letters to home for a second reading in a whole new light! Imagine the look on our faces when they said Gravity Falls was too dangerous for us to go back to; it crushed us. They weren't completely unsympathetic though, they had both our Great Uncles come up to visit us for holidays like Thanksgiving and the Fourth of July."

"So you didn't even try to come back?!"

Pacifica didn't mean to snap at Mabel, but she never thought their parents would be able to keep them away from Gravity Falls. The idea kind of hurt on the inside.

"Of course we tried to come back!" Mabel snapped back. "Gravity Falls was a special place to both me AND Dipper, but no matter what sneaky crazy trick we tried our parents were always two steps ahead of us. Before we knew it we were eighteen and got invited to Soos and Melody's wedding, they couldn't stop us then. The only reason we didn't stay then was because Dipper was starting to dive in to his career and I just got the building rights to the Craft Shack."

"We all missed you, ya know; both you and Dipper."

Pacifica had quieted down quite a bit, she should have expected that Mabel missed everyone as much as they missed her.

"The feeling was mutual, believe me! With our parents blocking us though, we had no choice but to grow up without it, just like how everyone in Gravity Falls had to move on without us. Gravity Falls will always hold a special place in our hearts, our summer there was a major cornerstone we used to build us up in to the adults we are today. I was planning my next vacation there but Dipper told me that it's starting to expand, that isn't really true is it?"

The concern in Mabel's voice was a little confusing to Pacifica, as if the town growing was a bad thing. "Well, yes... Some larger buildings have been put in but so what? It just means the town is getting more people, don't you think that's a good thing?"

Mabel stopped walking; she pulled out a group photo from her back pocket. It was the photo she had taken with her friends and the town on her thirteenth birthday. She seemed to shrink visibly, as if her sadness had some type of physical effect on her. She hung her head solemnly and gave a sigh of defeat.

"I thought the town was perfect the way it was. A charming town so small it isn't even on any maps, a magnet for just the special people, but now that it's getting bigger... maybe it's just better to remember Gravity Falls the way it was when I first went there."

Then Pacifica did something she never thought she would do. She hugged Mabel, she hugged her for all she was forth. "Mabel, you and your brother were the best things that ever happened to Gravity Falls. You two improved the lives of so many people, myself included."

She broke the hug and smiled at Mabel.

"Let me tell you a story... My parents have been hanging over me for practically all my life, telling me how to behave, how to act, how to judge. I never really made my own decisions, and I believed in their warped way of life. That being rich made me better than normal people and I should make sure they remember that. I knew my parents loved me so I thought they knew what was best for me, so I let them guide me down the path they thought were right, but doing this I never really explored my own opinions. With them constantly hanging over my shoulder I never really made my own decisions, never really being my own girl. Then one day at one of our parties they let me socialize on my own with kids I had never met before. They were too busy with their own social connection to worry about mine, I could finally be myself without worrying about how it reflect on my family but there was a problem. I didn't know who that girl was."

"Pacifica..."

"Then summer came and so did you and your brother. You yourself were just so carefree, you didn't care how you looked, you were free to be whatever you wanted and I guess that made me jealous of you. So I made you out to be my enemy, but just like for everyone else in Gravity Falls the two of you turned out to be best things to ever happen to me. The two of you changed my world!"

Now it was Mabel's turn to hug. "Dipper was right! You have grown up in to a sweet heart!!"

Pacifica broke the hug and smirked. "Don't think that means I'll hold back on you at minigolf."

"Oh that sounds like a challenge Fancy Pants! Me and the girls have our own handmade minigolf course. What do you say we put it through it's paces with a game?"

"I say you're on!"

Mabel pulled out a walkie talkie and turned it on. "Grenda we got a Code: Lavender! I repeat!! CODE: LAVENDER!!!"

Dipper knew from the start Candy was going to give him a whole bunch of the batteries he needed but she gave him a whole sack full of them.

"Geez Candy, I know I go through a lot of them but you gave me enough for like five years or something."

"And who said they were all for you?"

He gave her a confused look as she innocently rolled her eyes.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh nothing. Come on, the others are probably waiting for us!"

Dipper shrugged and hefted the bag over his shoulder. Candy had turned the back room where trucks would often unload in to a sort of secret lab. Emphasis on secret! All of her equipment and what not were hidden throughout the area, accessible with just a flip of a switch. She was determined that her scientist life took a backseat to her life with Mabel.

It was a little bit of a walk back to the sales floor so a little conversation usually would help, but Dipper would have never seen Candy's topic coming.

"So how many children do you want to have with Pacifica? I think a nice round five would be good for you two."

"Whoa!! Where did that come from?!"

"It's going to happen, Dipper. I do not think you can stop it!"

"Would all three of you just stop it?! I don't like her like that!"

"Right, and Pacifica is the pink power ranger! You are attracted to her." Candy stated in matter of fact. "Anyone with eyes can see that."

"So she's hot, so what?"

"So... you think she's hot!"

"Oh for the love of..." Dipper hung his head in defeat. "There really is no convincing any of you that there's nothing romantic going on between me and Pacifica is there?"

Candy seriously thought it over a for a moment. "No. It is a futile fight. At least you have our support though."

"I guess that'll have to do."

"Oh!" Candy froze in her spot for a moment causing Dipper to stop and look back. "You go on ahead, Dipper. I just remembered I need to get something from the break room."

As Candy ran off, Dipper adjusted his hat and proceeded to walk through the double doors to the sales floor. However, the store he had left had been replaced with a homemade miniature golf course of some type. Of course the shelves for the isles were still there but they faced different directions now to make way for the golf holes.

"Looks like Candy has been doing Mabel some 'special favors'."

"I still can't believe you let that customer go."

A little tap with her putter and Pacifica's pink ball fell in to the hole for the third course. "I mean he looked like something out of those Fabio romance novels and you just helped him with his purchase without even trying to give him your number." She leaned on her putter as Mabel's blue ball strolled over to her feet and down the hole. "Are you sure that you're the same Mabel from ten years ago?"

"Oh trust me..." Mabel walked over writing their new strokes down on a notepad. "He's tempting, but I learned long ago that boys come and go but friends are forever."

"Friends huh? We're friends right?"

"If we weren't I'd be begging Dipper to find someone else to travel with."

"Okaaaay..." Pacifica liked Mabel now, she was an emotionally sturdy friend, but Pacifica still found Mabel to strange in some her antics. "Anyways, I was actually reading through Dipper's journal yesterday."

Mabel picked up her ball and started to walk over to the statue hole. It was a paper mache statue of Waddles with what looked like a bite taken out of it's front hoof. "That's fine. Probably comes with the territory, learning on the job and all that."

Pacifica watched Mabel set up her stroke patiently. The area Pacifica was about to take the conversation was possibly some tender territory so she had to be sure to approach the subject delicately. "Well I got to this one page about a monster but it was completely blank."

Mabel didn't seem bothered by this news. "Huh, really? That's a little weird but not unheard of." Mabel started to take practice swings to make sure her alignment was lined up. "Dipper probably has his reasons, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Does it say the monster's name?"

"The Jersey Devil."

Upon hearing the monster's name Mabel accidentally swung too hard and sent the ball flying through the air. Her mood seemed to change almost instantly, she weakly held her putter as she sadly hung her head.

"Oh... him."

Pacifica felt a little guilty but she was happy she had hit a nerve with Mabel. It meant that there was something Dipper wasn't telling her, and Pacifica was set on bringing it to light. "AHA! So there is a reason why it's blank!!"

Mabel looked at Pacifica with nothing but sincere sympathy in her eyes. "Pacifica, listen. That monster..." Mabel trailed off for a moment as she struggled to find the right words. "Well he hurt Dipper. Not with something physical like a scar or a wound, he hurt Dipper on the inside. Almost crushed his spirit. I should know, I was there for it. I made it clear to Dipper that I was done with these whole mystery weird monster cases but I have one exception in which I will allow myself to be pulled back in entirely and that's if it involves the Jersey Devil. Because if he faces him without me or at least some form of back up, he might literally die."

Pacifica let the putter fall out of her hand as she walked closer to Mabel. She looked Mabel in the face even though she had to lean down to see it through her bangs. "You're serious? But Dipper is already so amazing I don't see how..."

"That's exactly what lead Dipper to believe he could handle him. He got overconfident and underestimated his opponent's power. I don't feel comfortable telling you anymore than this, it's Dipper's pain to carry. It's very tender subject for him so please don't bring it up with him."

Pacifica felt ashamed that she pushed subject at all, she should have known better. If Dipper felt like sharing it he would have done so by now. Lost in her own guilt, only now did she realize that Mabel was looking at her with pleading eyes.

"Please?"

"I..."

"It's his choice but if you really want to know then I'm sure eventually he'll tell you on his own when he feels comfortable enough to share it with you."

Pacifica shook the cobwebs out of her head. "Of course! It's no big deal really. I was just curious, that's all."

"Great!" Mabel's mood almost instantly changed back to normal. "Now then, because I goofed with that last swing I guess I need to take a stroke huh? That should just about put you in the lead though. Darn!"

Pacifica said nothing as she placed her ball on the ground and then swung her putter with all her might, launching it in to the air. Mabel actually had to duck in order to avoid the projectile as it ricocheted off the shelves before heading off in to parts unknown. Mabel stared at her in shocked confusion waiting for Pacifica to elaborate.

"That's not how I want to win. We do this fair and square or not at all! Right?" Pacifica held up her putter as if it was a sword, like she was some sort of miniature golf warrior.

Mabel smiled and tapped Pacifica's putter with her's in a similar way. "Right."

"You do realize though that now we have to hunt for our balls, right?"

"Don't bother!" announced a new voice.

From behind Dipper approached them holding both their balls in his hand. "Both of them managed to hit me in the head."

"Well now that you're here all we have to do is wait for Candy to come out with the nachos and Grenda to come back with the liters of Pit Soda and then we can party."

"UGH! Pit soda? No thank you! That's the worst soda ever! A soda which promises a fizzy peach drink only to have you end up choking on a pit!"

"Hmm..." Mabel didn't seem to mind Pacifica's objection but she racked her brain for an alternative. "Well, I suppose we could have Mabeahol instead. It's my own special blend of different alcohols, plastic dinosaur free. I promise!"

Pacifica wasn't sure exactly what 'Mabeahol' would be like but from the silent hand signatures Dipper was giving her from behind Mabel, it obviously wasn't an experience she would want to try.

"Pit soda it is then."

And party in to the night they did, there was karaoke, games, and lots of miniature golf. However, Mabel lost sight of Dipper and Pacifica at one point and was busy looking for them.

"Dipping-sauce!! Come on, you can make out with Pacifica some other time!! Right now it's time for pizza flavored cake!!"

When she rounded a corner, it took every amount of adult maturity she had not to squeal at the sight she had found. Dipper and Pacifica were sitting on the floor asleep, resting their heads on one another.

"What were you guys even doing out here?" Mabel pondered.

It was then she noticed that around them laid a bucket, a strainer, a funnel, and two liters of the soda Pacifica held so much distaste for. Mabel instantly found Dipper's train of thought, and it was adorable.

"Awww! He wanted to take the pits out for her!!"

Mabel rushed off before quickly coming back with a handmade quilt. It wasn't anything special, it had yet to be decorated. Drapping it over them they only seem to wince a little in their sleep, but by snuggling closer to each other they were sleeping peacefully once again.

The next morning Pacifica found herself waking up not in the store she had fallen asleep in but back in the RV. She was even on her special bed, still in the clothes she had last night though. She thought back to last night, she remembered playing minigolf with Mabel after the store transformed somehow, then there was a party, and then Dipper offered her to take all the pits out of the soda for her.

"I must have fallen asleep."

The RV was silent but if she really tried to listen she just faintly hear voices coming from outside. Heading for the door she found Dipper, Candy, Grenda, and Mabel talking outside.

"Oh Pacifica! Come on out, we were just saying goodbye."

"Goodbye?"

"Afraid so, Sweetheart! If we can solve this case before we get a new one it'll be all the better for us! I'm going to go put the batteries in the cabinet." Before heading in he stopped and looked at Candy. "You never did tell me who the rest of the batteries were for."

"You haven't figured it out yet, Mr. Detective?" Candy jabbed.

Dipper narrowed his eyes at her for a moment, as if he was reading her, then his eyes widened in realization. "Oh! I get it now. That's very sweet of you girls."

He slung the sack over his right shoulder and entered the RV, leaving Pacifica alone with the now giggling trio.

"What's he talking about?"

The trio of friends smiled before pulling out an elongated box. It was covered in birthday wrapping paper and speckled with purple glitter.

"The three of us got together and made you something to help you out when things get dicey." said Candy.

"The letters Dipper sent us has shown just how much you've matured and grown so we can't help but feel like you need something on par with Dipper's gun to bridge the gap between the two of you." explained Mabel.

"GIRLS CAN FIGHT TOO!!!" exclaimed Grenda.

Without hesitation Pacifica unwrapped the box and opened it up to find out what her weapon would be.

"An umbrella?"

Yes an umbrella. It had a spiked top and hooked handle which had a number of buttons on it, it was heavier than it looked too. The cloth was a classic black but there was something about it which hinted that it was more than your average umbrella cloth. The umbrella teeth on it's ends looked to be as if they were made of a red glass of some type.

"It's elegant and easy to sneak in to places. The metal in it is made of tungsten steel, most durable steel there is. I know you're probably wondering how I got that and how I got it made in to an umbrella skeleton, but the short answer is that I know a guy!" explained Mabel.

"I did the circuitry and gadgets. The spike on top is actually a taser which will shoot out in a straight line, it shouldn't drain the battery too much but try not to overuse it, you need to press the top button to fire it. The tips on the ends can create a laser grid force field around you, but it can only fit one person; that's the bottom button. The third middle button turns the umbrella in to an electromagnet, handy for all types of situations. I did have to scrap a couple of other gadgets I wanted to add in though. The sonic resonator kept glitching and Mabel wouldn't let me gut her grappling hook to add it in."

"My grappling hook is a precious treasure from my childhood, Candy!!" Mabel snapped.

Candy ignored Mabel and continued on like she didn't hear her. "It might not have as many gadgets as Dipper's gun but it compensates for it by having a larger battery life. You'll find an insert for the batteries in the place where the handle meets the stem."

"Wow, you did all that Candy? I mean I knew you made the batteries but I didn't know you could make, like, lasers and stuff."

"I was the top student in Stanford Pine's class, this umbrella was easy to trick out. In fact I had to scrap several more powerful ideas because they threatened to compromise the integrity of the umbrella."

"Wow, really?"

"You are not the only one who learned new skills as they matured."

"I also made the cloth for it out of a super tough fabric. IT'S VERY DURABLE!!!" screamed Grenda.

"Wow, really? Can it, like, stop bullets?"

"Um...No." answered Grenda.

"Not really." admitted Mabel.

"This is a crafts store!" emphasized Candy.

Pacifica laughed lightly at their answers. "Thanks girls! This was exactly what I needed! I don't know how I can ever repay you!"

"I do. Stay with Dipper."

"What do you mean Mabel?"

"Pacifica listen, I'm sure Dipper already made his danger-everyday speech but hear me out on this. He'll never admit this, even to himself, but this lone gunslinger routine he does isn't good for him; he needs back up. Not just to pull his ass out of the fryer when it gets too hot but just to be there for him too. He's a smart guy but he does get lonely and that can get distracting to him, and as a detective that's the last thing he needs. He's only one half of a winning combination and isn't complete without someone to literally be his other half. He's a lot of brain so he needs someone with a lot of heart to keep him in check. I'd do it but I'm done with the weirdness, I'm all about the everyday good times now so I need someone to fill the gap I left behind. It's gonna get tough, emotionally taxing even, but if you stick it through to the end I promise you it will be worth your while. So please, keep an eye on my brother?"

Pacifica didn't take what Mabel said lightly, she was basically asking her to replace her. She didn't know if she could ever be as good of a team with Dipper as Mabel was. They were her hometown legends for crying out loud! But then she thought back to dangers she and Dipper had overcome, their best chances always came when they worked together.

"Yes Mabel. I might not be in love with the guy but I promise to have his back. Just leave it to me."

Mabel gave her a quick hug before getting passed something by Grenda.

"Great! Since you said 'Yes', here's your complementary gift basket!!"

The gift basket had wine, an assortment of chocolates, and some fruit. Paper decorated it with colors of hot pink and yellow further proving that Mabel was meant to be born in the 1980's. Thankfully, she still remembered to wrap it in plastic like a traditional gift basket.

Pacifica laughed lightly as she took the gift basket just as Dipper came out.

"Okay, I think we might finally be ready to go!" He tipped his hat to Mabel and her friends. "Ladies, thanks for all the help."

"Not a problem Bro-Bro! It was nice seeing you again! Just remember, if you find yourself in a world threatening situation and need..."

"Don't worry Mabel! I think Pacifica and me will be able to handle just about anything that comes our way! She's been good like that. Seriously though, you wanted this life that you've picked out for yourself and I'll leave you to it! No hard feelings."

Mabel gave him a goodbye hug. "Thanks for understanding."

With only a few more heartfelt goodbyes, Dipper and Pacifica got in to the RV and drove off leaving behind Mabel and her friends waving goodbye.

Mabel couldn't help but smile as she watched the RV drive off in to the sunset. "And so the adventures of the Mystery Twins came to an end, but the adventures of the Mystery Couple had just begun."

Omake

The chocolates in the gift basket were slowly disappearing as the two mystery solvers enjoyed themselves with it. They put the wine away in a cabinet, saving it for a special occasion.

"Your sister has quality taste in chocolates, Dipper."

"I know! Surprised she didn't try anything... you know, Mabel-ish on us!"

Dipper and Pacifica had finished off Mabel's gift basket but at the bottom they noticed a little door latch.

"What's that?" Pacifica asked pointing it out.

"Another Mabel surprise no doubt. I spoke too soon. Think we should open it?"

"Might as well."

Opening it up they found a note and condoms inside. The note itself read:

'Better to have them and not them, then to need them and not have them.

Be safe with each other, you two.

Love Mabel.'

Pacifica and Dipper said nothing as their jaws hung open with blushing faces.

Two seconds later, Dipper threw the basket out the window.

Chapter Text

The drive out had been peaceful enough, but Dipper knew he was getting close when it started to snow. He turned the heating for the RV up as he turned in to a mountain park, the further he went the heavier the snow became. He sighed tiredly, working with Jack Frost was never pleasant and now Pacifica was going to learn all about the guy. A part of him was afraid of how she might look at him after meeting his bad friend, it was said you could judge someone by the company they keep after all. As soon as they met there was no going back.

Turning a hard right, Dipper spotted a hole in the snow clouds at the top of the hill and headed towards it. Pacifica had told him she needed a hot shower to brace herself for whatever cold they were about to go up against so Dipper couldn't go over a game plan with her just yet. As soon as he got to the top of the hill he heard Pacifica give out a high pitched shriek.

"DIPPER!!! WE'RE OUT OF HOT WATER!!!"

"I guess we're here then."

"WHAT?"

"I SAID 'GET DRESSED'! WE'RE HERE!!"

Pacifica dressed in winter wardrobe, complete with hooded jacket, winter boots, mittens, and padded jeans, joined Dipper outside. The snow came down in large amounts but it was no blizzard. Dipper popped open the trunk in the back of the RV, Pacifica noted that this space would probably be right underneath her bed.

Inside was a vast array of gadgets, she couldn't even hazard half a guess at what they were or what they did. They all looked so different and complicated she wonder how he kept them organized. He pulled out a couple of hanging goggles and gave Pacifica a pair. The straps on the back seemed to be made of rubber, the green glass lenses were surrounded by a brass frame, a little copper antenna sat itself in between the lenses, a dial was placed on the left side of the goggles while a simple flip switch resided on the right.

"Okay Pacifica, put these on and flip the switch. Our client is usually invisible save for shimmers in the air where temperatures spike, these goggles will help us see him without that."

Pacifica did as she was told, she felt a little silly because the goggles were so bulky with the frames. Everything in her vision was green now, red lines outlined the innards of the lenses like some sort of bullseye.

"So who made these? Your Great Uncle? Candy? Old Man McGucket?"

After receiving her umbrella from Mabel and her friends, Pacifica had come in to an appreciation of the super sciencey gadgets.

"No. These were made purely by me." Dipper answered flatly.

"You made these? Really?"

She tried to look him in the face for an honest answer but Dipper was bent over as he continued to search through the trunk for anything else that might be useful.

"I can have an interest outside of mysteries, ya know? Even I'm entitled to a hobby!"

Dipper was a little defensive about the subject since in past whenever he opened up to people about his 'hobby' he was told it seemed ill fit for him. He always took such accusations as a personal jab to himself but he was hoping he wouldn't have such a problem with Pacifica.

"I'm not scoffing at you, I'm impressed!"

A certain tightness in Dipper's chest loosened up as he continued his search. Out of curiosity, Pacifica adjusted the dial to see what would happen. Since she just so happened to behind Dipper when she did this, she discovered the dial was a zooming option for the goggles. And right now they were zooming in on Dipper's behind.

Hey, he's actually got kind of a...NO!! Don't go thinking things like that!! A refined woman doesn't scope out a man! Bad Pacifica! Bad!! Never thinking those thoughts again!'

Pacifica immediately turned away and started to scan the area. No matter where she looked though, all she saw was snow. It was starting to get old, she did a full circle around her and still saw nothing but a white winter wonderland.

"Dipper, there's nothing but snow here. I don't see anybody."

"Oh but I see somebody." a voice suddenly whispered in her ear. "And she is a beauty to behold!"

Pacifica gave a small shriek alerting Dipper to her distress. As soon as he turned around he was greeted with the sight of Pacifica running to him. The confusion only grew as she quickly hid behind him.

"Pacifica, what happened?!"

"That man creeped on me!!"

Dipper instantly pulled out his gun and aimed it in the direction Pacifica was pointing dramatically in. However, the sight of the man dressed in all white made him slowly lower it. The man was tall and thin, his ghost white hair was spiked with blue frosted tips, and finally he was garbed in only a cream white t-shirt and cargo shorts. His face was slightly elongated and his nose could be considered long and pointy but not overly so, but what unnerved Pacifica was his skin, like the rest of him it was white, snow white.

"Jack, were you creeping on my friend?" Dipper asked in a serious tone.

"Hey, I only whispered in her ear! She's the one who overreacted! Nice to see you too by the way."

Dipper shook his head disappointingly and lowered his gun as 'Jack' floated through the air over to them.

"I was honestly hoping not to introduce you to my friend here for at least another few months."

"Oh come on, admit it! You missed me!" Jack hovered in the air as he playfully flicked Dipper's nose.

"You're right, Jack. I did miss you." Dipper pulled out his gun again and aimed it at Jack's face. "But my aim is getting better!!"

"Ha ha!! Comedic gold! Never fails!! So are you going to introduce me or what?" Jack floated a little farther away and laid down in midair with his head resting on his hand.

Dipper rolled his eyes and put his gun away. "Pacifica, I would like you to meet my bad friend Jack Frost. Jack, this is my good friend Pacifica and if I find out you ever do anything inappropriate with her I will ploot you mercilessly!"

Jack snapped his fingers and pointed them in a supportive way at Dipper. "I appreciate that icy tone, Dipper. And 'Pacifica' was it?" Jack floated over to Pacifica, meeting her face to face in midair. "You are not Mabel. Why are you not Mabel?"

Pacifica darted her eyes away from him nervously, she hadn't expected him to put her on the spotlight like this. She tried to think of a way to explain her situation but the only thing she could think to say was the truth.

"Mabel left because she decided she had enough of weird things in her life."

She had said this with finality but the information only made a mischievous grin spread across Jack's face.

"But YOU don't seem to have that problem."

Pacifica promptly responded to Jack's accusation by slapping him across the face. His head moved with the force of the blow but outside of that he didn't seem to react.

"Slap all you want, Ice Queen! My pain sensors are frozen numb, I can't feel any pain at all." Then he looked at her with a little lust in his eyes. "Not to be confused with my pleasure sensors."

"Oh yeah?!" Pacifica dramatically pointed her umbrella underneath Jack's chin. "Something tells me if I tasered you, you'd still go down whether you felt it or not!"

Jack laughed and floated away from her. "You can try, but I wouldn't count my eggs before they hatch if I were you. On another note, you should really watch that temper. Hostility isn't a good look for you. You need to learn to laugh a little more!"

Pacifica lowered her umbrella while sending Jack a death glare. "You're not funny."

Jack drifted away to the front of the RV. "Oh you're giving me chills, Blondie!"

"Ignore him, Pacifica! Getting people riled up is Jack's favorite past time!"

Pacifica watched Jack Frost drift through the air, floating up and above their RV. A look of disdain sketched itself on Pacifica's face as the thought settled in to her mind that THIS was the person they were supposed to help. She knew him for less than five minutes and she already wanted to arrest him, it did not give her good signs of things to come in this case. She needed something to take her mind off how angry this guy got her. Anything!

"What is he?" Pacifica almost snapped.

The two watched as Jack floated higher in to the air, like a plastic bag caught in the wind. He looked pretty relaxed floating aimlessly on his back. Dipper tipped his hat upwards as they watched, trying to think exactly how to explain Jack Frost.

"To put it simply: He's a sylph."

"Oh Dipper, don't beat around the bush." Jack landed on the hood of their RV and struck a dramatic pose with his hands on his hips. "I am the MOST POWERFUL SYLPH IN THE WORLD!!!"

"He's also a dick!" Dipper added.

Jack deflated at Dipper's bluntness. "Aw... why do you gotta bring me down like that?"

"Because it's the truth."

None of this was making sense to Pacifica, she felt completely lost.

"Dipper, I still don't understand! Exactly what is a 'sylph'?"

"I guess you could say they're kind of like nymphs, ya know like Brooke, but they're nowhere near as powerful. Most sylphs can't even hurt people but for whatever reason Jack Frost is the exception. He's a lion among the sheep! He's the anomaly, he's the oddity, he's the... the..."

"The weird one?" Pacifica finished.

Dipper laughed at Pacifica's little joke. Calling Jack Frost 'the weird one' reminded him of Weirdmageddon and all the strange things he saw in it. He couldn't help but wonder how Jack would have measured up during it.

"Well, I guess that's one way of looking at it." Dipper smiled.

The light moment they were sharing didn't last as Pacifica was brought to mind of another Jack Frost quirk which plagued her.

"Wait, if his pain sensors are frozen numb then why did he back down when you pointed your gun at him?"

"I don't need to hurt him to stop him. Last time we met I ended up putting him in a big goop ball, the guy couldn't even move, so now he knows enough to back down when I say he's about to cross a line."

"Okay, so the gun works on him. I can buy that. It's from nature, he's from nature. Why does he have to be such an ass though?!"

"Pacifica, this is man who is famous for nipping people on the nose in a song. Are you really that surprised?"

She sighed in defeat. "More than I want to admit."

Dipper patted her on the back comfortingly.

"Despite his faults though, he's not evil. He proved this when I first met him."

"And how early in to your career were you when this happened?"

"Actually I met Jack before I started my career." Dipper added with a pleasant tone.

"Wow, really?"

The idea of Dipper having adventures before his career but after he left Gravity Falls intrigued. Her mind was abuzz with curiosity.

"Yep. Me and Mabel were freshmen in high school and instead of sending us to Gravity Falls for summer vacation like we wanted, our parents sent us to a summer camp in Yellowstone. That was when Jack Frost decided to give the park a personal surprise inspection. The short version is Old Faithful was getting overheated with lava, he showed up, we met and saved the day. I should mention though, after this adventure Mabel started to get over her boy crazy phase."

Pacifica rolled her eyes. "Gee, I wonder why."

Jack landed on top of the RV, inspecting it before lightly kicking the roof; snow seemed to spray out from his point of impact. "I can't believe you're still driving this old rust bucket. Two years since we last met and you still haven't traded up!"

"It's not just a vehicle Jack, it's a home. Now do you think we can just hurry up and get down to business?"

Jack crouched on the RV roof like a gargoyle, looking down at the two with a playful smile. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you two didn't enjoy spending time with me."

Dipper sighed heavily again but this time Pacifica joined him in it.

"Jack," Dipper pleaded tiredly. "Please get off my roof."

"Oh 'please'?" Jack hopped off the roof and landed neatly in front of them. "All you had to do was say the magic word."

"...Dipper, stand back. I'm going to taser him."

Pacifica aimed her umbrella at him but Dipper made her put it away by placing his hand on it and slowly lowering it.

"Put the umbrella down, Pacifica. He's not worth it. And Jack, do us a favor and just tell us what the problem is."

"Very well, someone is stealing my powers and I have no idea who, how, or why."

Pacifica watched as Dipper's eyes grew to the size of saucers. He mentally searched for some sort of rational explanation but found nothing. Seeing Dipper dumbfounded was a rare sight, Pacifica wasn't sure how she felt about it.

"That's quite a unique and unusual problem you're claiming. So how can you tell that's what's happening, Jack?" Dipper questioned.

"I'll show you!" he declared.

As Jack moved to the front of RV again, Dipper's face became flushed as he watched him walk. He instantly knew what Jack was planning.

"Oh no. Please don't." begged Dipper.

Pacifica watched in confusion as Jack climbed up the hood of their RV. She couldn't see what happened next because Dipper had turned off her goggles without warning; he wasn't even wearing his anymore.

"Hey, Dipper! What's the big id..."

*ZZZZZZZZZZZIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!*

The sudden noise had cut Pacifica off, she didn't know what Jack was doing but she was certain it was offensive. The following noises only confirmed it.

*SQUEAK!**SQUEAK!**SQUEAK!*

'Something' was pressing up against the glass of their front window and was moving back and forth on it.

"Dipper, is he...?"

Pacifica already knew the answer, she just didn't want to believe it. The rude gesture alone was enough to make her eye twitch.

"Rubbing his bare ass on our window shield? Yes, yes he is." Dipper answered flatly.

"Well can't you stop him?! He's vandalizing what basically is our home!" Pacifica snapped.

"Give him a moment and he'll realize we aren't giving him any attention, then he won't have a reason to keep it up."

"Now then," Jack chimed. "Do you see what I'm doing here?"

"No!" Dipper shot.

"No? Well why not?!"

"Because we turned the goggles off!" explained Dipper.

"Well turn them back on!" snapped Jack.

"Puts your pants back on!" Dipper snapped back.

"YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!"

*CLICK!*

*ZZZZZZZZZZZIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!*

"Okay, you made me." With the goggles off she couldn't see Jack but she heard a breeze through the air and the snow in front of them quickly got a set of footprints indented in to them. "You saw my point though, right?"

"Yeah Jack," Dipper turned his goggles back on. "I saw it."

Pacifica turned her goggles back on too but she gave them both a confused look. "Saw what? You turned the goggles off, we couldn't see anything!"

"Your welcome! What Jack is talking about though, is the fact that he didn't leave any frost on our window."

"So?"

"So that's kind my deal, Snowflake. I'm Jack FROST, I frost windows just by touching them. The only thing I left behind on your window is some butt smears. No snow, no ice, that's a big problem for someone like me! I should have left at least something behind. I touch something and I almost always leave behind some kind of product of cold!"

"Then you're kind of like Snow Miser, huh?"

"Oh please, Blondie! He wishes he had my powers... then again, so do I since I'm being robbed of them."

"Alright Jack," Dipper folded his arms impatiently. "and what makes you think they're being stolen? How do you know you're not just losing them?"

"Because something's also keeping me here! I can't leave the mountain, and let me tell you there are still parts of the world that need a frozen touch up from good ol' Jack Frost! Like my home improvement project on the North Pole."

"Well I suppose it is true that you aren't really well known for staying in one spot. We'll take the case! Alright Jack, think for a moment. Who would want to take your powers?" questioned Dipper.

"Yeah, who would have it out for you?" continued Pacifica.

Jack rubbed his chin in mock thought. "Nobody really comes to mind..."

"Yeah right!" Dipper scoffed. "Pacifica, a shorter list would be people who don't want to punch Jack in the face."

"And who's on that list?" Pacifica asked with a sly smile.

"Jack." Dipper answered with a similar smile. "Okay, questioning isn't going to get us anywhere so it's time for Plan B."

Dipper trudged through the snow back to the trunk and pulled out what looked like a compass with diodes on it.

"That another one of yours?"

"You got it, Sweetheart. It's kind of like a tracker, I try not to use it because questioning usually produces better results but we don't have any suspects this time sooo..."

"So how's it work?" Pacifica stared down at the compass as she stood next to Dipper. It seemed like an ordinary compass save for the needle, instead of a regular metal needle there was two arrows adjacent from each other, a big one and a little one.

"First we need a sample of the magical energy signature we're looking for." Dipper reached over and plucked out a bit of Jack's hair, much to his annoyance, and adjusted one of the diodes on the compass and a compartment opened up underneath. He placed the hair inside, careful that none of it would end up sticking out of it, readjusted the diode causing the compartment to snap shut. "Now the big needle points to the strongest source, right now that would be Jack."

The bigger arrow did point to Jack almost immediately but the smaller arrow was pointing in a completely different direction. "So does that mean little arrow points to the weaker signal? I bet when there's only one signal both arrows point in the same direction! Am I right Dipper?"

"Yes Pacifica!" Dipper cheered. He playfully jabbed Jack in the ribs. "See how she got that in one? Mabel would've needed like three or four guesses."

Pacifica did not blush at this praise, no, instead she held her chin up high and soaked in the compliment.

Dipper had never seen Jack Frost roll his eyes, especially at him but it was sure to be something he wouldn't forget anytime soon. "Oh get a room you two! Oh wait! You did better than a room, you two got an entire RV! So when the RV is 'A Rockin' does it ever put a strain on the suspension..."

*SPLAT!*

Jack wiped the freshly applied snow off his face and laughed.

"Nice shot sunshine, but it's going to take more than a snowball to teach me some manners because," Jack then struck a somewhat familiar Disney pose. "the cold never bothered me anyways!"

*SPLAT!*

This time it was Dipper who threw the snowball.

"Did THAT bother you?"

"Well yes, because you got me in the eye!!"

Pacifica laughed lightly, to her Jack sounded like a four year old after injuring himself on a jungle gym. She pulled out a pink book from her purse, there was what looked like a golden llama on the cover. "Go for the eyes! I'm writing that down!"

Dipper watched her with a rare mix of bemused disbelief and impressed amazement. "Pacifica, are you writing your own journal?"

"No. This is not a journal." Pacifica stated with clarity. "This is diary. It's completely different. There's no weird secrets or spells in here."

"Well, we better get started anyways. If there's any other warm articles of clothing you want from the RV, get them now. We got possibly a long hike ahead of us."

She quickly put her diary back in her purse and gave Dipper a surprised look.

"Wait, you mean we aren't taking the RV?"

"Pacifica, it would just get stuck in the snow! Besides I got plenty of heat packets to keep us warm just in case being covered head to toe in winter wear isn't enough."

"Can't we at least get some snow shoes?"

"I don't own snow shoes."

"We could make some from tennis rackets!"

"One; I don't own tennis rackets either! Two; that idea doesn't work. Trust me, I tried that idea when I was eleven."

Dipper began to trudge through the snow following his compass. "Now let's get going before the weather gets worse!"

Pacifica grimaced. She hated to trudge through anything. It felt gross to her.

"First mud now snow. Oh well, at least it's a step up." She turned back to Jack Frost who actually seemed to be heading towards their RV. "Are you coming or what?"

Jack looked at her over his shoulder nonchalantly. "Nah. I don't want to get too close to whatever is taking my powers. It's probably for the best if I hang back here."

Pacifica looked back at Dipper, then back to Jack. She wasn't sure she liked the idea of Jack Frost being in their RV.

"Don't worry," Jack reassured her. "I promise to go through everything. Nothing will be untouched."

Pacifica was on the brink of losing her temper with him when a sudden mental image flashed in her head from her memory. She ran ahead of him and stood in his path, she knew just the payback that Jack Frost deserved.

Jack actually took a step back as Pacifica offered him an almost evil smile.

"Well if you know what's good for you then whatever you do, don't go through the spice rack. Specifically the one labeled 'Do Not Touch'."

Having said her piece, Pacifica turned around and began her trek to catch up with Dipper. The sound of the RV door opening and closing only made her smile grow bigger. She thought she heard the feint words of 'She can't tell me what to do' or something along those lines. It was time to see if anything Dipper had taught her had rubbed off on her.

"Let's see, he's inside the RV, he's looking for the spice rack," *KERFLUMPAPLOP* "he trips over Dipper's fold out bed, he finds the spice rack, and now he's thinking of what he can do with it."

Pacifica didn't know exactly what Jack Frost would do with the 'spices' but if she read him as well as she thought then it wouldn't take him long to find his mischief.

"4, 3, 2..."

A giant syrup tentacle shot of the RV's door holding Jack Frost high in the air as he screamed for his life.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!! WHY DID A SYRUP MONSTER COME OUT OF THE BOTTLE?!"

Pacifica gave a sigh of content as she left Jack to fight for his life.

"I guess some syrup got in to one of the bottles. Man, my deductive reasoning is improving! I'm starting to get good at this job!"

Omake

Jack Frost brushed off the broken pieces of the now frozen syrup monster from his clothes.

"Good thing syrup freezes. That woman has a lot of nerve setting me up... by warning me! I'll show her! I'll do something that'll really get her blood boiling!! I'll uh... steal her panties!! Yeah, that's something women don't like! Right? That's what those sorority chicks with the torn down dorm wall in December were complaining about... Who am I talking to?"

Jack stood in the center of the RV quietly and his hung his head sadly. "Dear God, I'm lonely!"

He was quick to shake those depressing thoughts away and started to search the RV. Eventually he hit 'gold'; he held up a pair of frilly red panties to his face.

"...I don't get it." He gave the pair a test stretch and then frowned. "Now that I got'em what am I supposed to do with'em? Exactly what is supposed to be the appeal here? Humans are dumb!"

Jack shrugged and waved his hand over the pair of panties and a snowball filled up the insides. He sighed and tossed it over his shoulders.

"This stuff isn't as much fun alone. There's no one to get mad at me! I think I'm just going to freeze their toilet water and watch tv."

Chapter Text

Things had gone quickly south as soon as Dipper and Pacifica had left Jack. The heavy snow fall had turned in to a full fledged blizzard, they trudged on through the snow following the compass though. However, the distance they needed to travel was greater than they anticipated and now the only thing they could see around them was a white flurry of wind.

"PACIFICA, IT'S NO GOOD!!" Dipper shouted over the wind. "WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS STORM!!!"

Dipper looked to his compass one last time and swore as both needles spun around inside the compass. 'Jack must be at half strength right now!'

"WELL WHAT DO WE DO?! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHICH WAY THE RV IS ANYMORE?!" Pacifica shouted back.

"TURN ON YOUR GOGGLES!! IT'S OUR ONLY CHANCE!!!"

With goggles on, they flipped their switches and the green vision filled their views. Dipper pulled on the diode for both their goggles and their vision turned from green to red. Pacifica would guess that it was some weird type of a different thermal vision because now she could see every tree and snow covered hill.

Dipper grabbed her by the hand and started to head closer to the actual mountain. "COME ON!! WE NEED TO FIND A CAVE OR SOMETHING FAST!! NO MATTER WHAT, DON'T LET GO OF MY HAND!! WE CAN'T AFFORD TO BE SEPARATED!!!"

Jack Frost sat in the driver's seat of the RV completely bored. The blizzard had knocked out whatever television reception Dipper had for his little antennae tv so finding something to occupy himself with was proving to be a challenge. He tried to turn on the radio but since Dipper took the keys with him so that was out, probably wouldn't have worked with the blizzard anyways.

He groaned at a volume where if anybody was actually near by they would probably have said something angry to him. "Humans are so BORING!!! What do they even DO for fun?!"

Jack started to bang his head against the steering wheel repeatedly until he accidentally found the horn.

*HONK!*

Sitting back in the chair he gave the steering wheel a couple more test pokes.

*HONK!**HONK!*

"Oh thank God!! For a minute there I was afraid I was actually going to have to do something productive!! I finally found this place's best toy!"

*HONK!**HONK!**HOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!*

A small paper card fell from the overhead visor and landed on Jack's head.

"Huh? Oh! Let's see here. 'Dear Jack, the horn is not a toy. Do not continue to play with it or you will be introduced to a mild shock designed to neutralize you! Your friend, Dipper.' Hmm... I see."

Jack flung the card behind him carelessly. "You're not the boss of me Paper Card Dipper!!"

*HONK!**HONK!**ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPP!*

Smoke rose from Jack's semi-conscious body as he laid on the floor next to the driver's seat.

"Wow... that really hurt!! So this is pain huh? ... I'm not a fan! I hope Dipper and his blonde bombshell have gotten closer to getting my powers back!"

Sadly Dipper and Pacifica had not only not gotten any closer to solving the case as the blizzard had pinned them down. They were currently using a large pine tree of all things for shelter. Now normally, a pine tree couldn't offer much sanctuary from a blizzard, but Dipper had put his knowledge he gained from his travels to good use and managed to weave the branches around them in to a type of dome, then he used the heating packets to create a warm atmosphere. And viola! A pine tree igloo sanctuary!

Pacifica gave one of the pine needles an experimental flick. "Wow Dipper! I can't believe this is actually working!"

"A smaller pine tree would have worked better. This one is so big I had to use almost all the heating packets. We've got only one left!"

She gave him a serious look. He was being quiet, he was only quiet when there was some bad news he didn't want to share with her. "This isn't going to last is it?"

"No. The storm is too strong. We need to find a cave or something. We'd be lucky if this thing lasted longer than half an hour."

"What's the compass say?"

Dipper inspected the compass and found it's larger arrow to be the only one spinning in a circle. "It says diddly squat!! Maybe if I fiddle with it we can figure something out!" From one of his many pockets Dipper pulled out a strange looking screwdriver and started to work on it while pacing.

"What are you doing?" Pacifica asked.

"When it comes to repairing devices I work two ways. One where I sit down in front of a desk and do it, but since I can't do that I need to do it the other way where I need to keep moving. Pace."

Pacifica had thought about asking Dipper to teach her on how exactly the piece of tech worked but the truth of the matter was she didn't have any interest in it. Outside of what it did that is. When it came to tools like the compass and her umbrella she didn't really care how it worked, just what it did and what she should be wary of when using it. She doubted could understand any of the tech speak anyways.

She leaned back against the tree and stared up at the inner branches in a bored manner. She rubbed her face from where one of the goggle straps had been pressing in to her skin, those things were too tight on her; she was happy for the opportunity to take them off. Normally they had found some type of clue by now, but this time around they had nothing to go on but Jack Frost's vagueness. Where were they supposed to go from here? And more importantly, how were they supposed to know which way to go?

A sudden crunching of the snow alerted her that there was somebody outside. She tensed up and tried to feel out where their uninvited guess was but it was no good, she saw nothing but pine branches and snow. She looked to Dipper for answers but he was too busy pacing and working on the compass to notice anything outside of his own little world.

"Dipper!" Pacifica whispered loudly.

It was no good; Dipper had completely blocked out the outside world and thrown himself in to his work entirely. As quietly as she could she tip toed her way to Dipper only for him to end up pacing away from her. She had a half a mind to pick up a pine comb and chuck it at his stupid head. As she glared at him, a silhouette formed on the branches behind Dipper; their guest was here. Instead of just a blobby shadow, the shadow actually had the outlining of the creature behind the branches. It was tall and lanky, or at least that's what the shadow would have you believe, had a pointed head and it's arms were like elongated triangles. As it raised it's arm in to the air to strike down the unaware detective, Pacifica found herself frozen in place.

She tried to think about what she should do next. She should shout at Dipper to look out? Should she tackle him down before the figure could strike?! Probably anything would be better than just standing like a deer caught in the headlights like she was doing right now!!

She struggled to find her voice but no words came out of mouth, as if a vacuum had opened up and drained away all the sound in the world. This thing was going to kill Dipper! She had to act but could feel herself frozen in fear.

Before she even knew what was happening, the words "GET DOWN!!!" erupted out of her mouth and she flung herself at Dipper tackling him to the ground. A giant white arm cut it's way through the wall of branches creating a giant tare, but thanks to Pacifica's quick actions neither her or Dipper were hurt. She felt a breezy draft in the back of her coat but at least she wasn't hurt. Pacifica quickly felt her courage returning quickly and decided to get off her senior officer and ignore their blushing faces.

Instead of continuing it's attack, the strange creature turned around and ran out in to the blizzard. Pacifica grabbed her umbrella off the ground and got herself to her feet. "Come on! It's going to get away!!" With a quick dash she ran through the whole the creature had made. She couldn't let it get away, she had to catch it, she simply had to.

Dipper stared at her retreating form in shock as she ran out of the tree pursuing their attacker. The sight of the hole in her jacket was one of the most terrifying images Dipper would ever remember. He made one last desperate grab for her from the ground but it was useless.

"PACIFICA NO!!! DON'T RUN OUT IN TO THE STORM!!!"

It was too late. Pacifica had already chased their attacker so far in to the storm she couldn't hear him over the noise of it. Dipper swore, grabbed his goggles and chased after her in to the storm. He thought it was the stupidest thing he ever did but he had no choice!

Turning his goggles on he could see through the storm. He looked frantically for her all around but saw nothing but snow hills.

"PACIFICA!!!" Dipper cried out in desperation. It was no use, he couldn't even hear himself over the sound of the storm so there was no way Pacifica could hear him.

Out of the corner of his eye he thought he saw some movement. He quickly turned and adjusted the dial to zoom in on the location and saw Pacifica in the distance. She was looking in every direction searching for their assailant but their attacker was nowhere to be found. Dipper let out a breath of relief seeing her alright, but as soon as he took a couple of steps towards her a giant ice spike jutted out of the ground cutting her jacket sending her flying backwards. "PACIFICA!!!"

Dipper ran as fast as he could but the snow wasn't making it easy, his legs got heavier with every step. He was up to his knees in snow but he still managed to get to her. There didn't seem to be any blood on her outside of a couple of cuts here and there, but her jacket had a giant gash in it leaving her completely exposed. She was getting cold fast and he wasn't going to be doing much better if they didn't get to shelter fast. Her shivering only reminded him of the severity of the situation, he held her closely wrapping his arms around her in an attempt to warm her.

"D-D-D-Dipper..."

"You idiot!!!" Dipper scolded. "What were you thinking?!"

"I t-th-thought I could catch... before... the storm!!"

Whatever anger he felt melted away as she tried to explain herself. He held her tighter, there was only one thing left to do.

"Shhh! It's okay, you need to save your energy! We'll both be dead in this storm if we don't do something though. We don't have time to find a cave by ourselves but I do have one last trick up my sleeve!"

He pulled out a flare gun and aimed it high in to the sky. "This is another one of MY inventions! It's just a emergency flare but it burns so bright it should spotted in any type of weather! This is our one last hope!!"

Pulling the trigger, Pacifica saw what looked like a mini-sun rocket out of the gun and in to the sky.

Sitting on the floor of the RV, Jack Frost was killing time by bouncing a snowball off the wall as if it were a baseball. With the RV door hanging open, a layer of snow sat on the floor inside; Jack used this as a cushion to lean back on as he played his game.

It was around his third catch that he saw Dipper's flare in the sky through the window. Jack jumped to his feet and struck a dramatic pose. "Dipper must be in some real deep shit if he's asking me for help!! This looks like a job for..."

Jack dashed in the bathroom, tied a towel around his neck, and dashed back out only to stand impressively and his fists on his hips. "SUPER JACK!!!"

Flying out of the RV, Jack rose higher and higher in to the air completely unaware he was about to lose another power. "Here I come to save the daaaaaaaaaa-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Jack pulled himself out of him-shaped crater in the snow, his head swaying to and fro.

"No flying powers? That's cool. I'm cool! Jacky's gonna need to sit down for a moment though."

Jack sat on the snow resting his forehead in his hand as he did his best to come up with a solution. He needed to get to Dipper fast and flying was out of the question. He looked to his other hand and made some snowflakes swirl around his palm. An idea started to form as he stared in to those swirling snowflakes.

Before you could say 'Disney' Jack had created a one seated bobsled made completely out of ice. He climbed in with an almost evil grin on his face "Let's see Hollywood make a Jack Frost which can do this!"

With a wave of his hand, an ice route for the bobsled stretched out over the horizon where Dipper had fired the flare. With a quick push he was off, keeping his hand out in front to blast a pathway for all the necessary turns and slopes the bobsled may need.

Back with Dipper and Pacifica...

He had used the last of his heating packs in an attempt to warm her, sadly it was short lived. As was everything else, he had used his entire inventory to fight off the cold only for the blizzard to turn them all useless. He had brought other things such as hand warmers and the like but it was as useful as a candle in the wind. She was getting colder faster than Dipper could keep her warm, he was losing her fast! Everything he came up to keep her warm the blizzard had found a way to beat, almost as if it was sentient. That was when it hit him, this wasn't any ordinary blizzard, this was a deliberate attack against them. Their perp knew they were getting close and decided to do something about it. He kicked himself for not seeing it sooner! The ice spike alone was solid evidence to support this. Curiously, the only ice spike which had attacked them so far was the one that got Pacifica. Dipper had a lot of questions now and no time to worry about them.

"D-D-Dipper... I c-c-c-can't feel my f-f-f-fingers!"

Dipper bottled away the rage he was feeling and quickly grabbed her blue fingers with both hands and started to breathe on them. "There! Is that any better?"

"Dipper, I... you..."

Dipper could see her eyelids were starting to get heavier, it must be a fight just to keep them open.

"Hey! Come on! Don't fall asleep on me! Stay with me!"

She looked at the snow starting to pile up on Dipper and felt her heart break. He was shivering just as much as her but was doing his best to ignore that, focusing all his attention on her. 'If he was as smart as he thinks he is he would just leave me and save himself... but he would never do that would he? He'd rather die here in the snow with me than abandon me. Always so noble... if this is really it, than he deserves to know how much I appreciate him...'

"D-D-Dipper," she whimpered. "Thanks for e-e-everything! You made my l-l-life an exciting... adventure... m-m-made me a b-better person... I l-l... thank you."

"Come on, don't talk like that. Pacifica? Pacifica?! PACIFICA JUST HANG ON A LITTLE LONGER! WE'LL PULL THROUGH THIS TOGETHER LIKE WE ALWAYS DO, JUST STAY AWAKE!! YOU HEAR ME?! DON'T YOU DARE CLOSE THOSE BEAUTIFUL EYES!!!"

Pacifica gave Dipper a sad smile before letting her mind drift off to happier times.

"PAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCIIIIIIIFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

Flashback

All of Gravity Falls had come to Pines Family Farewell Birthday Party. Grunkle Stan had just handed over business rights to the Mystery Shack to Soos and the party itself was starting to die down, guests started to leave one by one. This was the moment Pacifica Northwest had been waiting for, with a smaller crowd she could say what she needed to without drawing too much attention to herself. Dipper was alone at the moment, admiring his new Ghost Harassers box set over at the punch bowl. She took a deep breath, a swig of punch, and ventured on out to complete her task.

"Oh Dipper... I was hoping I could speak with you for a moment."

Dipper scratched the back of his head as he gave her his full attention. "Uh sure, but you forgot to call me a loser, or lame, or something else that's insulting. Are you feeling alright?"

"Just trying to work up my courage."

"Courage to what?"

Pacifica jumped at Mabel's voice as the girl came from behind to stand by her brother. She had been hoping to do this to both of them separately but perhaps it was better this way. Saying what she needed to them both at the same time would save her the effort of avoiding the townspeople from watching. She was seriously outside her comfort zone with this.

"I don't know. She's acting weird right now." Dipper explained.

"I am NOT acting weird, you nerd!! I am TRYING to apologize!"

"Apologize? For what?" Mabel asked.

"For... EVERYTHING, okay?! You're not making this easy for me you know; but I'm sorry, especially for how I treated you two recently with the attack on Bill."

Dipper and Mabel exchanged confused looks.

"You didn't seem that out of the ordinary to me." Dipper stated.

"Yeah, seemed like ordinary Pacifica behavior to me." added Mabel.

"That's the problem!!" Pacifica snapped.

The confusion only grew for the twins but they let Pacifica take a moment to calm herself down.

"Pacifica, you're not making any sense. What's this all about?" asked Dipper.

Pacifica fixed her hair and regained her composure.

"Mayor Tyler was right when he said you two have helped everybody here, but you two did more than just help me. Since I met you two I've been hurled out of my comfort zone and forced to look at myself in a new light." She focused her attention on Dipper. "Hard! I didn't like what I saw so I pretended it didn't exist, but ever since the party at the mansion I realized I had to change, become a better person. The only way to fix my family name was to be the change it needed."

"'Fix your family name'?" echoed Dipper.

"What are you talking about?" queried Mabel.

"Oh right..." Pacifica paused for a moment as her memory got jogged. "You guys were wood when I said that."

Dipper and Mabel stared at Pacifica with wide eyes and rigid bodies.

"Are you lost too, Bro-Bro?"

"Yep."

"Good. For a moment I was worried it might have just been me."

Shaking her head, Pacifica groaned in frustration. "You two just can't make this easy for me, can you?"

Mabel poured her a cup of punch which Pacifica accepted with a friendly smirk. "Thanks."

"Maybe we'll understand a little better if you explain exactly what happened when we were wood. We knew you let the townsfolk in but you make it sound like there was more to it than just that."

"I wanted to pull the switch right away but my father popped up out of the floor and tried to talk me out of saving everyone, wanted me to go with him, my mother, and the butler to a secret bunker to wait everything out. (He said that we'd eat the butler.) He even brought out the bell to try and force me to stop, and that was when I couldn't take it anymore. I let everyone in and vowed on that day to bring honor to the name Northwest, but I guess I haven't been doing such a good job of that as of late."

Shame was a strange emotion to a Northwest but Pacifica felt like she truly deserved it; she was supposed to be better but when shit hit the fan she just fell back to her old ways. She was starting to doubt she even could change, she felt stuck; maybe changing the Northwest name was just a pipe dream.

"That's not true."

"Huh?"

"Yeah, that's totally not true." Mabel added.

"You still pulled the switch, you didn't bail on us when we were going up against Bill, and to top it all off you're apologizing to us right now." Dipper listed off her feats before smiling at her. "You're doing just fine Pacifica."

"Yeah, it's okay if you stumble a little on the way. Rome wasn't built in a day you know?"

"Wow you two, I... I don't know what to say." blushed Pacifica.

"Although, in the end it doesn't really matter." Dipper speculated. "In the end you still have to live your life for you. Good person or not, you have to do what makes you happy. Be true to yourself and all that jazz. Although, from what you've showed me..." His smile got a little bigger. "The real you isn't that bad."

Pacifica blushed lightly but for reasons as to why she honestly couldn't say. Or rather, reasons she refused to acknowledge and would just pretend don't exist.

"Yeah, the real you underneath all that meanness is actually pretty fun." Mabel complimented. She held up her new pink putter to emphasize her point.

"Who knows, maybe you'll bring honor to the name Northwest after all and turn the whole family around. Make something out of the family name that the world can be proud of, when that day comes then I think we'd both be honored to hang out with you sometime."

Pacifica stared at Dipper as if she was seeing him for the first time.

"Kids!!" Grunkle Stan called. "Time to hop in the car for the bus station!! Let's go!!!"

Dipper adjusted his vest and cleared his throat. "Uh well that's us. We gotta go now. For what it's worth, I think you can do it. Make yourself a better person by making the Northwest name mean something good. I'll be rooting for you. Who knows? Maybe one day we'll let you in to our little inner circle."

Dipper walked to the car while Pacifica silently watched him. It was only when the car started moving away that she snapped back to her senses. Looking through the rear window, Dipper was greeted with a very unusual sight. Pacifica Northwest, the pampered rich girl, was chasing after the car.

"I will!!" she called after them. "I'll become the best person I can be!! You'll see!! And then..." Pacifica stumbled a little in the road but she was able to successfully catch herself. "And then you two will see Pacifica Northwest is the best person to have as a friend!!! You'll be proud to call me friend!!!"

As the car drove off out of sight, Pacifica gave it a weak wave goodbye as she finally stood still. "Bye..."

She quickly shook her head to get a grip on herself. If her parents, or rather anyone she knew personally saw the way she was behaving they'd think she was crazy. "Snap out of it girl! You'll see them next summer. You'll see..."

End Flashback

Pacifica was warm. This was the first thing she noticed as she started to drift back in to consciousness. If she warm than that meant that she was alive. Probably a good thing since last time she checked she was most likely about to die in Dipper's arms. The stirring of the body next to her made her notice several other important things. First and most importantly, she was naked.

Next, whoever this other body was, she was spooning him. Yes it was a 'him' because she could feel this body was naked as well.

Finally, she could hear the crackle of a nearby fire. This meant she was no longer outside but inside of a place dry enough to support a fire yet closed off enough to keep the circulation of warmth and the fire dry.

Feeling daring, she opened her eyes and saw a brown tuft of hair in front of her.

This was Dipper. No doubt.

She scrambled away from him and got to her feet. She looked around her surroundings to find herself in a cave of some kind. It wasn't very big, there was just enough room for Dipper, Pacifica, the fire, and a make shift rack for their wet clothes in the back made out of sticks. The entrance to this cave was easy enough to spot, a short curvy path lead the way in so that it ensured any heat wouldn't be effected by the blizzard, it wasn't that far away and Pacifica could see the blizzard was starting to die down.

She looked back at Dipper. The man probably saved her life. However, Pacifica Northwest was fine now and naked though she may be, she no longer needed his body heat to keep warm. No. She was a woman of the modern day and age, she had womanly pride! It was warmer with Dipper's body but she cared not; she would not allow herself to go crawling back to the degrading yet life saving warmth that was Dipper's body. She had a fire and could keep herself warm right now, even if it did appear her clothes were still wet.

She sat down in front of the fire across from Dipper, hugging her knees. It offered her heat, just not all over like holding Dipper's body had offered. She watched the fire for a little bit until some grunting and moaning caught her attention. Dipper was tossing and turning in his sleep, the man was no longer comfortable where he slept. She blushed furiously as she realized that he missed her body heat.

"Stupid Dipper..." she grumbled.

She needed to get her mind off of him, she got up and headed to the entrance to inspect the storm. One step away from the warmth of the fire alerted her to how cold it was outside, she instantly started rubbing her arms for warmth. And another step told her it was only going to get colder the further she went, so instead she leaned her head to the side and saw the blizzard was more or less the same since when she woke up.

'I'm okay with this.' thought Pacifica. 'So what if cuddling with Dipper was the best way to stay warm? So what if I'm naked and freezing? I still have my womanly pride and... and... OH FORGET IT!!!'

"Screw womanly pride, I want warmth!! Move over Dipper, I'm coming back in!!"

Omake

Pacifica stared at a little written message from Jack Frost which was written on the wall. She could feel her left eye twitching as she reached the end of the message. It read: "Dear Dipper, have fun trying NOT to get a boner while rubbing and cuddling that hot naked body of her's to keep her alive. Have fun staying warm. Love, your buddy, Jack Frost."

Pacifica scowled at the writing. "That dick."

Chapter Text

Pacifica thought that as soon as Dipper woke up they could talk about what happened and put an end to the awkwardness she felt. Oh but she was very wrong! The awkwardness had only just begun.

Dipper and Pacifica sat at opposite ends of the cave, avoiding eye contact with one another. The silence was the most frustrating thing for both of them. They knew they should talk about what just happened, they knew the longer they put it off the harder it would be, but both were acting too shy and embarrassed to take that first step. Dried clothes probably would have been a big help if it wasn't for the fact that they were damp at best at the moment.

"I'm sorry..." Dipper chimed in quietly.

"For what?" Pacifica's volume was nearly as quiet as Dipper's. "You saved my life, Dipper. You did what you had to so I could survive right?"

Dipper stared at the floor. "Yeah... but... I could understand if you were upset because I had to... you know..."

Pacifica mimicked Dipper's actions. "Yeah... not a fan of that... but..."

"OH FOR PITY'S SAKE!!! Your both completely hopeless, honestly! You two are the most boring naked people ever! At LEAST have a conversation that lasts more than a couple of sentences!!"

Leaning against the wall of the cave was Jack Frost giving both of them the stink eye.

"Seriously, it's pathetic. You think a man and a woman being naked in a cave together would be more interesting!"

Pacifica immediately covered herself. "How long have you been there?!"

"I think I came in somewhere around 'Screw womanly pride'. Not surprised you didn't notice me, you were too busy getting 'warm'."

Pacifica blushed as she glared furiously at Jack, she curled up her body so he wouldn't see any more of her. She wasn't even okay with Dipper seeing her naked body and Jack Frost was so far away from Dipper in that regard it wasn't even funny. Something was off about him though, she had to calm herself down so she could inspect him rationally. After taking a moment, it was obvious what was wrong. His hair was brown now.

"Hey! Your hair changed color. Are you turning human or something?" she asked.

"No I'm not turning human!!" Jack snapped. "That's stupid!! I'm dying, you jerk!!"

"Wait! What do you mean?" Pacifica was actually taken back by Jack's new attitude. He sounded less like the whimsical free spirited dick she had come to know more like a grumpy old man.

"I'm a Sylph! My very being is constitute of my icy powers, and since I'm losing more of those..." He hung his head sadly. "I'm losing my life."

In all the years Dipper had known Jack Frost, he had never seen him like this. Scared, depressed, sincere, honest,... weak.

"Jack... I've never seen you act this way. Are you okay?"

"NO, I'M NOT OKAY!!!" Jack screamed at him like a mad man on his last leg. The panic and desperation in his eye was like a window in to his very soul. "I JUST SAID I WAS DYING!!! PAY ATTENTION SHERLOCK!!!"

Jack panted out of breath at his outburst. He took a moment to calm down but when he did he looked like he was starting to fall in to a depression of some type. "I don't mean to yell, but I'm running out of time now. Because let me tell you," he pointed at his hair. "This? See this? This isn't healthy."

"Alright then Jack, what do you say you fly down to the RV and get us some fresh clothes?"

Jack suddenly seemed a little nervous. "Uuuuuuuuuum... No."

"What do you mean 'No'?!"

"Yeah... sorry but that's not going to work for a number of reasons. First, I kind of can't fly anymore, hence the whole ice bobsled thing. Second, your RV is sort of filled up with snow since I left the door open so there's probably no dry clothes there either."

"WHAT?!" Dipper and Pacifica yelled in unison.

Jack sunk his head in between his shoulders and laughed uneasily. A little bit of his original whimsy shined through giving him the comparison to that of a guilty child.

"Jack!!! We live there!!!" Dipper hollered.

"Uh well look on the bright side! You have clothes here, you just have to let them dry! Which should be pretty quick given the fire and everything."

"The sooner the better." Pacifica pipped in. "Then maybe I can look Dipper in the eyes."

Jack Frost scrunched his face in confusion. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I get that Dipper saved my life, and I'm grateful but he's so smart surely he could have figured out another way t..."

"OH NO!" Jack angrily cut in. "Do NOT tell me you're going there right now!! You listen to me, you young whipper snapper!!"

"Whipper snapper? What?!"

"This man saved your life!!" Jack said dramatically as he pointed at Dipper. "A lesser man would have just buried you in the snow and focused on how he could still survive! Not Dipper!! He became downright obsessed with keeping you alive, even if it meant he was probably going to die too!! And even after we got you in to the cave, this cave that I found by the way, you still almost died TWICE!!!"

Pacifica stared at Dipper with shock. "Dipper? Is that true? Did I nearly die more than once when you got me in here?"

Dipper rubbed the back of his neck uneasily. "Yes. It was pretty touch and go for a moment but Jack is telling the truth. We almost lost you for good a couple times."

"Yeah," snapped Jack. "But he wouldn't let you go without a fight!! He fought like a madman to keep you alive!! So I'm 'sorry' if rubbing your naked body all over was a 'great offense' to you or whatever, but it was either THAT or death. He made a choice, knowing full well how you would feel afterwards! He refused to leave you to Death's icy grip!! So say 'Thank You'!"

"Jack, she doesn't have to..."

"Yes she does!! I don't care who she is, when somebody saves your life you say 'Thank You'!"

Dipper grabbed Jack by the scuff of his shirt. "Now you listen to me! I've had just about enough of you treating..."

"No!" Pacifica cut in. "He's right! If not for you I'd literally be dead right now, it's not right to treat you like you did something immoral. Dipper, thank you for saving my life."

The blush on Dipper's face showed exactly how much her gratitude meant to him. Jack cleared his throat and Dipper let him go out of what was most likely a reflex.

"Well Pacifica I..."

"HEY!!!" shouted Jack. "Sorry to cut off whatever fluff was meant here, but if you don't solve this case soon I'm going to lose my clothes next."

"Y-Your clothes??" Pacifica winced.

"Yeah Blondie, these threads were made by me with magic. I'm pretty sure this is going to be what goes next; I lose my ability for that and the clothes are going to go with it. So if you two don't hurry and stop whoever from stealing my powers then you might find yourselves with a third member to your nudists club!!"

Both Dipper and Pacifica blushed furiously.

"I'm going to go check on our clothes!!" Dipper said quickly.

As he ran off towards the back of the cave, Jack moved himself next to Pacifica who was staring at Dipper's retreating form.

"So? What's the problem?" Jack queried.

"Problem? What problem? We just 'solved' the problem!"

"No. You made peace. There's a difference. Ya dumb kid!"

Pacifica cleared her throat and straightened her standing. "I... don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh please! I may be a dick but I'm not an idiot! The awkward tension in this air is so thick you could cut it with a knife! So why don't you tell ol' Jacky what's wrong?"

"Dipper... He saved my life, but to do so... a line has been crossed today. I know he did it to keep me alive and I'm grateful, I am, but.. now that this line has been crossed there's literally no going back. Not only that, we almost bought the farm out there, thinking it was our last hours. Some things... came to the surface, we both felt them and it's putting a strain on our dynamic. I can feel it. And honestly? I'm not sure we can overcome it."

"Hmm... I see. Oh wait!! I got it! I know how to end it! You should kiss him!!"

Pacifica managed to deal with the tomato red blush she was feeling by quickly slapping her hand over Jack's mouth.

"You know, I was JUST starting to respect you!! And right when I was beginning to think you had some redeeming qualities you had to say something like that!!"

"What?! The romantic tension would just die if you two would just get it over with! You can't say you wouldn't enjoy it neither! Not only did you go back to him for a 'second snuggle' but you've been staring at his naked butt ever since he went to check on the clothes! You two aren't fooling anyone!"

Pacifica turned on him furiously and kicked him in the crotch.

"OWWW!!! MY SNOWBALLS!!!"

She fumed staring down at his curled up body.

"Oh! So pain is a thing with you now, huh?! I'll be sure to remember that!!"

"Pacifica!!" Dipper called. "I'm going to need you to stop bullying Jack for a second! I need both of you over here to see what I've found!"

Pacifica started to walk towards the other side of the cave but when Jack didn't follow she realized she would have to drag him over there. She rolled her eyes and grabbed him by the ankles.

"Geez!" she grunted. "You are heavier than you look! Leave it to Jack Frost to still be a dick even when he's not moving!"

"You shut up!" Jack snapped back in a high pitched voice. "All pain is new to me and you have NO idea what I'm going through right now! So how about some respect for your damn elders!!"

It was a chore, especially since Jack refused to move from the fetus position, but she got him over to Dipper.

He turned to them with a smile. "Okay first, and most importantly, our clothes are dry."

Pacifica didn't think such a simple gesture as the return of her clothes could have ever had the impact it was having on her now. To her it was like finding an oasis in a desert. She took her clothes from Dipper and hugged them dearly. She was surprised Dipper had his trench coat and fedora with him, she had to wonder if he had them under his winter clothes this whole time or if he stored them away in another secret pocket.

They wasted no time putting their clothes back on, they dressed with their backs to one another of course, even though they heard Jack mumble something about it being 'too late for modesty'.

"So you had your hat and trench coat with you, I can believe that, but is all your gadgets and stuff with you too?"

"You mean my equipment? Of course! I'd feel naked without them."

With her shirt on she looked over her shoulder to give him an incredulous look. "Did you just make a nude pun?"

Dipper was halfway dressed but stopped at the realization of her accusation. "Um. Not on purpose. Sorry."

They finished dressing without a further thought, Jack even got to his feet and waited patiently for Dipper to continue.

"Okay, second of all, now that we're all dressed, I'd like to address everyone's attention to this wall!"

Dipper gestured to the wall behind him like it was the best thing ever. Jack and Pacifica exchanged a confused look before giving the wall a harder look. The wall did seem to be a different color from the rest of the cave but outside of that nothing really stood out.

"Th-The wall?" Pacifica stared at Dipper like he was a mad man.

"Don't you see? It's made of permafrost! Finding permafrost inside of a cave at this altitude? There's no way this isn't our first clue!" He turned to Jack wearing a confident smirk. "So Jack, you haven't been telling us the whole truth have you?"

"What do you mean, Dipper?"

"Think about it Pacifica. Permafrost? In a mountain cave? This high up? There's only one person who could have put it there and he's standing in this room. So Jack, who's doing this?"

Dipper's confidence in his clue started to waver as he saw the look of confusion on the slyph's face. The man felt completely lost. "Dipper, I don't..."

Whatever Jack was about to say died as something from deep inside his memory came to the surface. "... Oh yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhh."

Dipper let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding. For a minute it looked like he was going to be wrong and back to square one.

Pacifica face palmed. "I can't believe this guy!"

"Jaaaaaack!" Dipper's condescending tone earned himself a small smile on Pacifica's face. "Exactly what did you do?!"

"Well it's actually a little embarrassing, what I did. What's more embarrassing is forgetting about it but I can't help it. You gotta cut me little slack here, I've been around for a long time! Even I can't be expected to remember everything I've ever done!"

The dirty glare they sent him told him they weren't happy with his answer. He threw up his hands peacefully in an attempt to quell their anger.

"What's important here is that we're closer to solving this case than we thought. At least now we know we got only one culprit and it's behind this sphere of permafrost!"

Pacifica looked between the wall and Jack. "Wait, 'sphere'? It's a wall isn't it?"

"Doesn't matter! Our guy is trapped behind it."

"Jack!!" Dipper snapped before taking a breath and relaxing. "Jack, help us help you. You're still not telling us everything! You're being too vague! What happened?"

"Well I could go in to detail about over arcing embarrassing act I committed one hundred fifty years ago..."

"A hundred and fifty years ago?! Seriously?!"

Jack waited a moment for Pacifica to politely close Dipper's hanging jaw.

"Or," Jack continued. "I could use what powers I still have left to make an opening for you two to go and arrest that asshole! Tick tock, kiddies!"

Pacifica looked to Dipper. "What's the compass say?"

Dipper took it out and found that the compass' little arrow was pointing at Jack while the big one was point at the wall of permafrost.

"It says Jack is telling the truth."

"Well I guess that settles it then. Get your umbrella Blondie, you're going under ground!" Jack cheered.

"Now hold on a second, Jack!! There's still some crucial information you're denying us!! Would you just..."

"Sorry Dippy, no time!!" Jack tapped his foot on the ground twice and threw his arms out forward. A hole appeared in the permafrost wall but it wasn't a permanent fix as it was already starting to shrink. "Okay, time's a wastin'!" He got himself behind the two of them and started to push them towards the hole.

"Jack!!" Pacifica protested. "You can't just push us through a hole and expect us to deal with it!!"

"Sure I can! That's your job!"

With a final shove, Dipper and Pacifica fell through the hole screaming.

"Hmmm...guess there's a drop."

Out of curiosity, Jack poked his head through the hole and saw they were still falling.

"Awww. They're holding each other out of fear! Falling together! Cute!"

As the two continued to fall, screaming for their lives, Jack frowned.

"This IS a lot of falling. If I want them to survive this, I should probably help them out."

Jack rolled up his sleeves, stuck both arms down the hole, and blue rays of light shot out from his hands. The rays intersected, combining in to one larger ray which shot pass Dipper and Pacifica.

Dipper closed his eyes, this was going to hurt but there was a way he could make sure Pacifica survives. Turning in midair, Dipper places himself under Pacifica with his back towards the speeding ground. He was going to take the blunt of the fall, he'd die but Pacifica would survive... Hopefully.

Pacifica's eyes widened as she realized what Dipper was trying to do. "Dipper NO!!! You can't do this!!"

"I nearly lost you once!! I'm not going to lose you now!!!"

He held her close and closed his eyes, bracing himself for impact.

*POOF!!*

Cold. Dipper was cold. Not the sensation he was expecting. He wasn't even hurt; which didn't make any sense. He decided to give the ground underneath him an experimental touch. *CRUNCH!*

"Snow?"

He opened his eyes only to see Pacifica's staring back at him. Given how they had fallen, she was laying on top of him. It took a moment longer than either one of them would like to admit for them to separate. Sitting separate from each other now, Dipper saw that they were saved by a giant mound of fresh snow.

"So, at least Jack conjured up some fresh snow to act as our cushion."

"How much snow is even here?"

"Enough. Looks like we can at least get down without hurting ourselves."

"I can't believe that worked."

"Worked in Frozen."

"Wait!" Pacifica, now having a moment to breath and let the gravity of the pass few seconds settle in, was starting to realize a very important fact. "Did he KNOW how far we were going to fall?!"

Dipper braced himself, he knew no matter what answer he gave her that she was going to get upset. "Probably not."

"STUPID JACK!!! NEXT TIME I SEE HIM, I'M GOING TO TASER HIM IN THE NUTS!!!"

"Pacifica, he probably just saved our lives!"

"AFTER PUTTING THEM IN DANGER IN THE FIRST PLACE?!"

Dipper shrugged. "Fair point."

The light from Jack's hole shined down on them, illuminating their snow drift and the cave around them. However, with the hole shrinking they knew they were going to have to act swiftly if they wanted to get down safely. He moved himself towards the descent of the mound and slid himself down. Landing on his feet, he held out his arms out in a cradle position as he called up to Pacifica. "Come on, I'll catch you!"

"I can get down by myself!"

As she slid herself down, Dipper found himself frowning with disappointment. I guess she's still mad at me after all. Man, how can I fix this?'

Pacifica stood up and picked up Dipper's hat off the ground. "We're pretty lucky this didn't fly off too far." She offered it back to him as Dipper searched his pockets for a flashlight. He dusted it off his fedora before putting it on his head.

"Thanks Swee- I mean, thanks Pacifica."

In his left inside pocket he finally found the fool thing and gave it a couple of test flicks. Luckily it looked like he remembered to put in new batteries before they left. Shining his flashlight around the area they were in it appeared to be large cave of some sort, surprisingly open save for a few stalagmites on the ground. Something still felt off though so he shined his flashlight toward the wall and up the ceiling, he even spotted the hole Jack pushed them out of. Speaking of Jack, he didn't lie, the walls and ceiling were covered with permafrost quite completely. There was even permafrost connecting the wall to the ceiling in a curvaceous shape slightly suggesting a sphere shape in total. However, it was the rest of the cave that interested Dipper. There was a rock tunnel which looked like it lead someplace downwards but outside of that there wasn't anything else; which bothered him. As he knelt down to investigate some carvings in the floor, he completely missed the look of disappointment Pacifica was giving him.

'He didn't call me 'Sweetheart'. I can't believe how much this bothers me! When Mabel said this role was going to get emotionally taxing this was not what I thought she had in mind!' She sighed mentally. This is going to get worse before it gets any better, isn't it?'

"Yep. Just as I thought. This place has been carved out." Dipper announced.

"What do you mean 'carved out'?"

"This cave, or at least this part of it, isn't natural, it's man made. Somebody wanted out bad! And they had a hundred and fifty years to try and dig through solid rock to do it. They were desperate to get out of here."

"So why didn't they just dig through the permafrost?"

"Hm... Let's find out!"

Dipper walked over to the wall and took out a pen, he tried to scrape off a piece with it but couldn't even scratch it. He inspected the pen and found frost starting to grow on the pen. He immediately dropped it.

"Glad I didn't use my dagger."

"So where's our miner now?"

"Well," Dipper shined his flashlight on the tunnel. "The way I see it, there's only one way our perp could come or leave."

"Let's go then."

Dipper tensed up as Pacifica spear headed their trek to the tunnel. His grip on his flashlight tightened as he ran past her to the mouth of the tunnel. "Um... I should probably lead the way! I got the flashlight after all."

Pacifica gave him an unamused look before snatching the flashlight out of his hand and heading inside. Dipper face palmed before following after her.

'I just can't win with her today!! I know she says she forgives me but I can feel she's still mad at me! And everything I do just makes this awkward tension worse!!' Dipper sighed as he followed Pacifica. He had to duck in head when there was a low in the ceiling. 'Who are you kidding, Dipper? As bad as that is, you know what the real problem is, you're scared!! Scared of losing her forever! You nearly lost it back in the blizzard and you know why; it's time to face the truth!' Dipper stopped following her for a second and tightened his fist as he came to terms with the problem. 'Pacifica Northwest has become important to me!'

Meanwhile, Pacifica Northwest was facing some inner demons of her own.

'Two steps forward, three steps back. That's the way it seems to be working lately. Just when I finally feel like I'm starting to carry my own weight on this team, all this stupid crap happens! Something tries to kill Dipper and what do I do? I freeze!! I thought I got over my fear!! Then I chase after our attacker in to a blizzard LIKE AN IDIOT and nearly kill both me and Dipper! All because I wanted to make up for freezing on him! I'm not getting better at this, I'm getting worse!'

The little tunnel they were in was starting to widen a bit. She shined the flashlight around but there wasn't anything worth noting. Face it girl, you just weren't thinking! Keep making mistakes like that and both Dipper and yourself are going to end up dead! You gotta up your game or else Dipper's going to end carrying you your entire career! You gotta prove to him and yourself you belong on this team!!'

The roof in the tunnel was starting to get lower, but it never got to be a problem as the tunnel opened out in to an open area. Unlike the cave on the other end, where they were now seemed to be all natural. There was stalagmites and stalactites everywhere you looked along with other rock formations. It didn't take long for Dipper to catch up with her, he took off his hat as he took in his surroundings.

"Well this is definitely different from where we came in. Everything looks natural here."

Dipper started to chew on his pen in thought. He was supposed to be thinking about the case but his thoughts were clouded with how he could patch things up with Pacifica. It bothered him to no end.

"You know you're chewing your pen right?"

"It's a bad habit of mine. I do it when I'm stuck with a problem, if I get to the point where I don't get enough sleep I start chewing on my shirt."

"Eeww!"

'And now she thinks I'm gross! Terrific!! Wait...what was that?!'

"Pacifica, I think somebody's coming! Hide!! Quick!! And turn off the flashlight!"

Ducking quickly behind a rock formation, they turned off their flashlight and waited quietly. The rock formation was no bigger than a couch, long and square but tall enough for both Dipper and Pacifica to hide behind comfortably.

*CLIP!**CLOP!**CLIP!**CLOP!**CLIP!**CLOP!*

If the sound of hooves hitting the stone floor wasn't peculiar enough, a strange yellow light seemed to accompany it.

"Where are going now?!" called a voice.

"I thought I heard something!" answered another voice.

There was something off about the voice though, it had a certain flavor to it. Perhaps Dipper hit his head on the landing but he could've sworn it was a Brooklyn accent. (A/N: Okay, now I have tried to type accents in the past as people have heard them and you know what? It has yet to not bite me in the butt!! So all of you readers are just going to have to pretend the Brooklyn flair is there. Okay?)

The source of light finally stopped in front of their cover. Feeling brave, both Dipper and Pacifica peeked over their rock to get a good look. A rainbow Mohawk was the first thing that stood out to them, but this was soon followed by four hoofed legs and a horn.

"A unicorn?" Pacifica whispered. "A unicorn is behind all this?!"

Dipper placed his finger against her lips in a shushing way and gave her a shrug for an answer.

"Well there's nothing here." said the second voice.

The fact that the second voice sounded so close but still wasn't visible at all bothered Dipper. Were they dealing with some type of invisible foe?

"Hm... I suppose. I guess I just wanted to get away from your chatter for a little bit."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"It means there's only so much 'Hey! Look! Listen!' I can take in one day!"

Pacifica failed to hold back a snicker which didn't go unnoticed. Dipper sent her a quick glare which she flinched under.

"Did you hear that? Quick! Activate your black light mode!"

The yellow light clicked off and a black light covered the area. With the shadows gone their hiding place was compromised, so Dipper started to sneak away before they were spotted. To his surprise, Pacifica was still crouched down behind the rock. He tried to wordlessly get her attention but it was all in vain as she was trying to peek over the rock more for a better look.

'Wow! Trying to get someone's attention silently is really frustrating! I wonder if anybody else has had this problem...'

He played with the idea of tossing something at her to get her attention but he knew that would just expose them both.

"Aha!" the second voice chimed triumphantly. "I found you!!"

Standing on top of the rock, shining pink, was a pixie. She had a couple of miniature daggers strapped to each side of her waist, her dress looked like it was made from a dishrag with it's single shoulder strap. Her pink glow was only obvious now because of the black light, most likely it was swallowed up by the unicorn's regular light from before.

"Looks like we got ourselves a little intruder, Bart!" she declared.

"Ohh..." The unicorn propped himself up over the rock formation with his front hooves on top to look over and down on Pacifica. "Is that so? Well lil' lady it looks like you just got yourself in a whole mess load of trouble. The boss is going to want to know about this!"

The pixie, now known as Ruth, was about to reply when her whole world became shrouded in darkness. "Hey!! What the... What's going on here?!"

With Dipper's hat covering the pixie in it's entirety Dipper shouted to the still recovering Pacifica "RUUUUUNNN!!!"

She quickly scrambled to Dipper's direction but the unicorn known as Bart quickly jumped in front of her. "You aint going anywhere, ya Mook!!"

Pacifica aimed her umbrella and fired off the taser tip hitting the unicorn right in the head, underneath the horn. The effect of the electricity was almost instant; the unicorn was down writhing on the ground as his horn turned every color imaginable. This included the colors green, orange, pink, blue, red, lavender, yellow, white, and flannel.

As soon as he finally stopped she ran to Dipper and they ran off in to the darkness together. Turning on the flashlight, Pacifica took point unaware they were holding hands as they ran.

"Where are we going?!"

"To get some distance between us, then we got to hide!!"

A small knife poked itself through Dipper's hat and started to cut out a circle. Ruth kicked the hole out and looked around furiously for their human intruders. A painful moan caught her attention, she flew up to survey the area and find the source. She spotted Bart laying on the ground unmoving with his tongue out.

"Bart!!" She flew down to him and started to lift his head off the ground by his hair. "You're okay! Up and at'em! Rub some dirt in it, you're fine! Walk it off!"

Ruth had Bart's head upright now but only thanks to her pulling. Just when it was starting to look like some sense was starting to return to the unicorn, his head started to fall in the other direction landing right on top of Ruth.

"OOF!!!" Ruth struggled to pull herself out from under Bart's head. "Well that backfired! I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this but I guess I have no choice!"

She managed to prop Bart's head up against the stone Pacifica had been hiding behind, taking careful aim so that his horn aligns with the ceiling.

"Okay." She breathed calmly.

She kicked Bart's horn and it glowed with the color blue. "Some unicorn light mixed with pixie dust magic..." She pulled out her daggers, glimmering with pixie dust, and struck Bart's horn with them in a pincer move. A blue and pink beam shot out of his horn and hit the roof. Upon impact it created blue and pink ripples of light spreading across the roof, but it was the sound that had come with which echoed through the cave. A ringing chime could be heard coming from every direction. "And we've sounded the alarm!"

Turns out the cave wasn't quite as open as Dipper thought when he first laid eyes upon it. Now there was rock formations for every five steps they took, some were even much larger than Dipper and Pacifica themselves. If Dipper didn't know any better he'd say they were starting to close in on themselves, or perhaps the chiming ring was messing with their heads in some way.

"What is that?!" shouted Pacifica.

"If I had to wager a guess, I'd say it was an alarm of some kind."

"Okay, so here's another question; why did Jack lie to us?! There's clearly more than one suspect down here!"

"I wouldn't say he lied, it was more likely he was just wrong! Now I have a question!! Why didn't you move with me when they started to search the area?!"

Dipper's question caught her off guard. It was a little embarrassing but the anger in his voice made her feel like a lead ball of guilt fall right in to her stomach.

"I... Well... I guess I just didn't think!" It was pitiful excuse, she knew it, but it was only excuse she had to offer.

'Didn't think! Seems to be a popular trend with me lately!' she thought bitterly.

Dipper growled in frustration as they rounded another corner.

"We are seriously out of sync!"

*THUNK!**CRACK!**THUD!*

Looking over her shoulder, Pacifica saw Bart galloping towards them with Ruth on his head. Or rather he was 'trying' to gallop, he still must not have been feeling right after Pacifica's tasering as he kept crashing in to the rock formations.

"I don't like the way you're galloping!!" barked Ruth. "Are you sure that lightning thingy didn't fry your brain?"

"Shut up ya stupid Mook!!" Bart barked back. "I'm fine!! It's the stupid cave that keeps spinning!!"

*SMACK!*

"YOW!!! That rock came out of nowhere!!"

"That does it! I'm driving!! They're turning again so take a left here... no a left! A left!! YOUR OTHER LEFT YOU RETARDED MUTANT DONKEY!!!"

Pacifica relaxed as she saw the unicorn stumble away taking a right turn. "Dipper, we can stop now! We've lost them!"

Dipper slowed his pace to a stop so he and Pacifica could take a moment to catch their breath.

"How can we all see so well? What happened to all the darkness?"

"Well," Dipper paused for a breath. "I'd say it would probably have something to do with that!"

Dipper pointed up at ceiling where rainbow lights still raced about illuminating the cave. It was even starting to pour down the walls.

"So what should we do now? Look for clues? Hide?" queried Pacifica. She turned off her flashlight, wasn't much of a point to it now.

"Well from what we've learned about those two there's obviously somebody else down here too. So I think we should..."

Dipper trailed off as he saw something rising out of the ground behind Pacifica and quickly pointed to it. Looking over her shoulder she saw a monster similar to the one which casted a shadow over Dipper in the pine tree. It's arms were elongated to a point with three flat sides giving it the image of a triangle. However, it may have been as tall as their snow storm attacker but 'lanky' wouldn't be an appropriate word to describe the rest of it's body. The legs were thick and bulky made up of clumped dirt and stalagmites giving them an appearance of heavy clumsiness. The head was shaped like a pointed diamond; Pacifica would almost guess it was the same monster which had attacked them outside if wasn't for one thing: A tree root was sticking out of it's head, long and large enough to the point where it would promise to cast a shadow of it's own.

Pacifica actually felt disappointed. As near as she could tell it was just some blatant rip off of Edna's statue strategy, she was honestly expecting something more original. Remembering the statues' weakness, she looked to Dipper and brought a finger to her lip in a shushing manner. He seemed to instantly understand what she was getting at nodded in agreement.

The 'statue' remained still for a moment, Dipper and Pacifica shared a grin of confidence with each other, but then charged straight forward in their direction.

All Pacifica could get out was an "OH SHI-!!!" before being dragged off by Dipper away from the monster's beeline. Now running on her own, she actually found herself outpacing Dipper in their retreat of the monster. They were quickly approaching a cave wall and Pacifica was starting to gain some confidence. She was sure she and Dipper had the same idea, run to the wall and then go in separate directions so the monster would crash in to the wall. However, this plan was cancelled as the monster fired off one of it's arms as a projectile. This landed in the cave wall in front of her just as she was making her turn. She probably would have smacked in to it face first if Dipper hadn't swooped her up bridal style and proceeded to run carrying her.

Pacifica screamed as Dipper ran as fast as he could with her; and if she didn't know any better, she could have sworn he was screaming as well. Looking back she could swear that monster was getting bigger with each step. They managed to spot another rock tunnel and Dipper made a mad dash for it but he desperately scrambled to come to a stop as Bart and Ruth came charging out of it.

"PREPARE TO EAT HOOF, BITCH!!!"

Dipper looked desperately for a way out, but with the enemy's pincer movement closing in he knew there was only one thing he could do. He held Pacifica close, crouching down to protect her with his body and shouted the words "WE SURREEEENDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!!!"

He waited silently for the pain to come, it never came, he looked up to find his attackers circled around him waiting patiently. The evil grins from Bart and Ruth hurt on some level, because he knew it reflected their victory over him.

He looked down at Pacifica to find her staring back up at him. She looked at him as if he just betrayed her, it felt like a knife to the gut for him.

'There's them doe eyes again.'

Their captors were not gentle with detaining them, the giant monster had shot his arms in to the ground next to them. The ends opened up and shot out a geyser of pebbles (of all things) in to the air, small bits of cobalt lightning flowed in between them as they turned in mid air and started to surround Dipper and Pacifica. Individually circling around each of them until they shined a blinding flash, when it disappeared Pacifica and Dipper found themselves with rings of solid rock covering their torsos.

"The boss is probably going to want to speak with you! Personallly," Ruth started. "I would just CUT OPEN YOUR THROAT AND CRAWL DOWN YOUR INNARDS SO I COULD GUT YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT!!!"

"But you're not in charge!" Bart cut in. "The boss is going to have questions and you two are going to answer them. Now march you dumb palookas!"

The two sent the unicorn a sharp glare before begrudgingly starting their way. Bart lead the way through a stone archway leading in to a hollowed out hallway; Ruth sat on the back of Bart's neck while the stone monster followed behind the prisoners in the rear. They all walked in silence but Dipper could feel the hate radiating off of Pacifica, she was angry at before but now he had reached a whole new level of anger with her. Dipper knew however, with feelings this strong Pacifica would have to either act on them or voice her concerns.

"Okay, who are you? And what have you done with Dipper? Because the Dipper I know, never would have surrendered!"

At least she was speaking to him, that was a start. He rolled his eyes at her criticism, he had to protect her and he didn't have any other choice.

"It's still me Pacifica. There was nothing else I could have done! Anything else would have run the chance of you getting hurt! Besides, what's it matter? We're going to meet the big boss anyways!"

"Sigh. You always have an answer for everything don't you Dipper? Except for when you don't of course!"

"Wh-What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're not as smart as you think you are! So maybe you should pay a little more attention to just the case then maybe you could realize your associate might have something important to add!"

"Are you trying to say I don't treat you like an equal?!"

"I'm saying you need to remember you aren't working alone!"

"That's a yes!"

"No it isn't! You just surrendered, you didn't even think about what I had to offer!"

"Oh really?! Did you have a solution for that situation?!"

Pacifica hadn't expected to be put on the spotlight like that and was a bit taken back. They had actually stopped walking so they could have their little heated argument, even their jailers had stopped to watch as Pacifica searched for an answer. She hesitated for a moment; she knew Dipper was waiting for an answer but all she could come up with was the raw truth. "Well...no. I didn't, but I still would have liked to be consulted!"

"Oh please!! Let's just cut to the chase shall we?! About why you're really upset with me!!"

"Okay, fine!! Let's be completely honest about it then!!"

"Fine!! You're still mad at me for what I had to do to save your life!!"

"No, I'm not!! I already said that I forgive you for that!!"

"Really?! Because that's not how it feels!!"

Bart and Ruth continued to watch as the two adult intruders continued to argue like a couple of children. Even the monster was captivated by the fight although it did seem to understand what EXACTLY it was watching, as it was scratching dirt off it's head in confusion.

The fairy and unicorn weren't exactly doing a lot better.

"Wow. They're bickering like an old married couple."

"I'll be completely honest... I have no idea what we should do here." confessed Bart.

"And what about you?!" Dipper snapped. "You've been downright reckless!! Are you trying to get yourself killed?!"

"What?! Of course not!! If anything I've been trying to do the opposite!!"

"What?! Pacifica you're not making any sen..."

"I NEED TO GAIN YOUR TRUST BACK!!!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.

Dipper was taken back at first, he knew she was mad but he didn't think she was mad at herself. His face softened as they looked at each other, inviting her to continue. She deep some deep breathing for a moment. Dipper wasn't sure if it was because she was trying to calm down or gather up her courage though.

"This has been the worst case of my life." she confessed. "On top of the whole naked thing, I've just been making one mistake after another. I thought after the adventure with Edna I was getting better, tougher ya know? Instead I've found myself just as afraid as ever been only now it's becoming a liability which has gotten both of us nearly killed. As much as I've become afraid of this job the thing I've found which is even more terrifying is the idea of having it taken away from me, because a part of me has come to enjoy it. Obviously not the scary monsters roaring in my face promising to kill me... but solving mysteries, outsmarting villains, improvising in dangerous situations, or even just the simple things like..." she blushed just enough so that it was noticeable to everyone who was watching. "Traveling with you, playing chess with you, and getting a bite to eat with you. But I know you don't just give this job to anyone, I know I've screwed up big time more than once today and, like, I know how you need someone to depend on in this job and I thought I needed to prove myself so you wouldn't think this job was too dangerous for me! That I could keep up ya know? I knew once I needed to change in to a better person but now, I need to change in to a stronger one too!"

Dipper was real quiet as Pacifica waited for him to give her a response. Any type of response really; she just poured her heart out and silence was quite possibly the worst answer he could give her. Slowly, a shy smile developed on Dipper's face and started to grow.

"That's why you've been acting like this? To prove yourself? To 'gain back trust'?"

"I need to be more like you, Dipper. I can't keep getting afraid, it's going to get us killed!!"

"I already told you it's okay to be afrai...sigh... Listen Pacifica, I have a secret I need to share with you. I know I always seem cool and collected but the truth is, whenever I have a monster roaring in my face or running from pretty much anything that trying to kill me... I'm terrified."

"What, really? I didn't think that registered with you."

"I already told you once, only an idiot isn't afraid of this stuff. When I was a kid, Candy was called me a baby because of how I was running from this spider monster Darlene. As far as trust goes though, you've never really lost mine."

"R-Really? Prove it."

"Okay, uh let's see... I ever tell you about why people call me Dipper? It's just a nickname because of my..."

"Birthmark on your forehead?"

"Wha-Yes! How'd you know?"

"We were naked together Dipper. I've literally seen everything you have."

Dipper blushed awkwardly. As hard as it was to believe, he had actually forgotten about their naked episode with everything that had happened.

"Oh! Right! Well have I told you my real name yet?"

"No!" The change in her tone told Dipper she really interested in this information, he relaxed a little bit because of this. "You haven't hinted one word at what your real name is."

"It's Mason. My real name is Mason. I don't like to use it that often because everyone always calls me 'Dipper'. Even I call myself Dipper."

Pacifica smiled and leaned her head back. "Mason huh? Hmm. I like that."

"Really?"

"Really. Makes you sound sturdy. Now I should tell you a secret of my own so we're even."

"You don't have to do that. I know you trust me."

"Yes, but I want to. After Weirdmaggedon I had to pick only one of my six ponies to keep. I know it sounds like just some thick drama but I loved them all so much it nearly broke my heart to pick one over the others. Their names were Shutter Fly, Rainbow Crash, Rawrity, Apple Smacks, Stinkie Pie, and Sparklight Twinikle. Sending the other five away was one of the saddest days of my life but at least I had Stinkie Pie."

"Seriously? You chose the pony named Stinkie Pie?" Dipper laughed.

"Hey!! Stinkie Pie was always able to make me laugh, and on that sad day that made her the best pony!!"

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh."

"Yes you do!" Pacifica laughed.

"Okay, I take back everything I've said about your beloved pony HA HA 'Stinkie'!"

"Okay, now they're just getting mushy!" Bart growled.

Ruth put two fingers in to her mouth and whistled sharply capturing everybody's attention. "Okay that's enough, we got to get moving now. Otherwise I'm going to gouge your eyes out just to put a stop to that mush!"

With a quick tap from their rear guard Dipper and Pacifica begrudgingly continued their march. Finally exiting the stone hallway they entered an open area of the cave, the pathway they were walking on stretched onward up a narrow cliff. On the end of the cliff was a marble cottage sitting there with an eerie calmness.

"How did you guys make a stone cottage down here?" Dipper asked.

"Heh. You'd be surprised the things our boss can pull off." answered Bart.

Once inside, they saw the insides left a lot to be desired. Save for a fireplace and a wooden desk suffering from some serious wood rot the place was completely barren.

"Kneel on the floor," Ruth barked. "Bart and I already sent word to the boss and he should be joining us soon. If it were up to me I would've already cut your kneecaps out but I'm not 'in charge'."

As they knelt on the ground Dipper took a look at Pacifica. She was doing better by the looks of it, she wasn't angry anymore but she did seem concerned with their situation. Not to the point of the fear she was talking about earlier but enough for it to stay on her mind. An idea popped in to his head, he knew exactly what to do.

"Hey Pacifica, we certainly do have a colorful group of baddies this time around, don't ya think?"

A hopeful smile from the blonde showed Dipper that she was picking up on what he was trying to do. "Oh? Well compared to the other ones from our past adventures how well do you think they stand up?"

"Well let's see here. We got My Brooklyn Pony..."

Bart snorted angrily at the nickname.

"The secret love child of Jack the Ripper and Tinkerbell."

Ruth didn't voice her objections other than sticking up her nose and harrumphing.

"And um..." Dipper struggled to find an appropriate word to describe their dirty/wooden captor but ultimately failed. "Groot!"

"Groot? What's a Groot?! I don't know what that is but whatever it is it aint him, got it?!" snapped Bart.

"Yeah!" Ruth added. "He is not Groot!"

The door kicked open startling everyone in the room.A stout man entered bringing an icy chill to the air. His feet never actually touched the ground though, he hovered a good bit off the ground not unlike a certain lumberjack ghost they knew of from when they were kids. He had on a business tuxedo which looked like it had seen some better days what with the patches and holes everywhere. The top of his head was completely bald, but for every strand of hair that was missing it was compensated in his beard. The beard was not just big but long too as it ran all the way down to his waist; the eerie thing about it though was there was large bits of ice sticking out frozen to the hair.

"Well now..." From his coat pocket he pulled our a monocle and placed it carefully over his eye. "Let's talk this out like proper businessmen, shall we?"

"...What?"

Omake

Jack sat on the cave floor as he waited for Dipper and Pacifica to solve his problem. He was starting to get sleepy but couldn't decide if he could risk a nap.

*THUNK!**THUNK!*

Coming from the cave's entrance walked in an ice version of stone monster which chased Dipper and Pacifica. Of course it was a great deal smaller as it could actually fit inside this cave. It had a long triangular head, it's arms long and bladed just like the stone monster. It waited silently for Jack to respond to it's presence.

"I see. He wants to kidnap me now, doesn't he? Well you won't be getting me without a fight!"

He grunted and groaned as he struggled to stand up. The ice monster stomped his foot on the ground twice and a layer of ice spread out from underneath it's foot across the cave floor.

"WHA-OOF!!"

Jack Frost, the legendary ice sylph, had hit a new low. He had slipped on the ice. "Oh using my powers against me when I can't defend myself eh? Well it will take more than-OOF!!" He had slipped once again as he tried to stand up only to fall flat on his back. "It's okay, I know just what to do!" He clapped his hands together and then slowly separated them forming an ice cane in between them. However, there was still something embarrassing about it. "Um... it's usually bigger than this I swear!" He tried to use it to stand up only for it snap making him fall flat on his face. "I swear this doesn't normally happen to me!"

The ice monster stood silently as he watched Jack fail time and again to stand on the ice. It did cock it's head to the side in confusion however when started to slide across the floor as well. "Okay, I think I have this figured out now! I just have to use the wall to- AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Now spinning violently across the floor, the ice monster cocked it's head to the other side as it witness Jack ricochet off the walls across the floor. Finally stopping at the ice monster's he let out a sigh of defeat.

"Okay, you know what? I think it would be more merciful to myself if I just let you take me captive!"

The ice monster shrugged and dragged Jack to the wall of permafrost by his leg.

"I know you can't talk but please don't tell anyone I was slipping on the ice."

Chapter Text

"I said, 'Let's talk this out like proper businessmen, shall we?' No reason why we can't be civilized about this." stated the stout man.

This man had a peaceful and pleasant look on his face as he smiled at them like an old friend. Dipper wasn't fooled for one minute, having Grunkle Stan in his wonder years taught him how to recognize a con man just by looking at them. This guy was as fake as a three dollar bill.

"What are you?" Pacifica asked bluntly. "You don't seem to be human but you don't look like any magical creature or paranormal monster I've ever seen."

"Why my dear girl, I am what is called a Dwarf."

"A Dwarf? I've actually never met a Dwarf before."

"Really my dear boy? Well then it's my pleasure to be the first. My name is Siegfried and these are my two associates Bartholomew and our little Ruthless. Sadly our stone sentinel here doesn't really have a name."

"Ruthless?" repeated Dipper.

"Yeah! Ruth is short for Ruthless!" snapped Ruth.

"Fitting name." Pacifica commented dryly.

"Well then, now that you've come to learn all our names why don't you two introduce yourselves."

Dipper decided to run with the truth, a lie wouldn't help them in this situation anyways. Who knows, maybe if he played his cards right this Dwarf could be reasoned with.

"This is my friend Pacifica Northwest and I'm Dipper Pines, I'm a paranormal detective. I work on cases involving the magical or supernatural, right now we're working on a case for Jack Frost."

Siegfried let out a small chortle. "Jack Frost? Heh. Are you serious? You actually want to help that jerk?"

"'Help' is a strong word." Pacifica said dryly.

"It's a job." explained Dipper.

"You are aware this is all his fault, right?"

"Doesn't surprise me."

Dipper rolled his eyes, despite the bull they were in he still needed answers.

"Pacifica please! Jack was vague on the details, why don't you tell us your side of the story?"

"Very well. I fancy myself a business man, and have always loved doing business with humans. With my two cohorts by my side we would travel across the country making deals, trading our goods for wealth and..."

"And exactly where did you 'acquire' these goods?"

Siegfried gave Dipper a dirty look for cutting him off but quickly regained the pleasant and peaceful face he had plastered on. "Why through our travels of course. Now if may continue? In our travels we came across a small town, last time we checked it WAS close by to this mountain." He took a moment to adjust his monocle. "I trust that is still true?"

Dipper did remember passing a town on his way to the mountain but it didn't really have anything outside of some farm lands. However, that didn't mean he needed to let his captive know that. "Maybe."

"I see." Siegfried said flatly. "Well anyways, this town wasn't doing very well. The poverty which had stricken the town was nothing short of criminal, so me and associates being the good folks that we are decided to help."

"Question!" Pacifica interrupted.

Siegfried winced in anger but made sure to keep his temper under control. "Yes?"

"I understand that you could probably pass for human, but your two friends here are pretty hard to miss as unusual. Exactly how did you explain them?"

"Well as you've already seen, it's quite easy for our dear Ruth to disappear when she wants to, and our delightful Bart just needed a way to hide his horn. Nothing a top hat can't fix."

"Okay, back to your story; exactly how did you decide to 'help' these townsfolk?" Dipper knew he was growing impatient, but after his emotional roller coaster ride with Pacifica, Jack Frost pushing them through a hole, and getting captured by a giant rock creature he was feeling more than a little impatient to cut through the bull crap and get to the truth.

"Well life on the road was starting to wear on us, it was time for us to settle down. So we struck a deal with the humans, we would get the entire town in exchange for all the gold they could ever want."

"All the gold they could ever want huh?" Pacifica scoffed. "I may not have been around a hundred and fifty years ago but I grew up rich, and the one thing I know about fortune is you don't find it just sitting there on the side of the road. I don't care how good of a business man you are, you can't promise 'all the gold they could ever want' without something crooked up your sleeve!"

Dipper thought Siegfried would have been angered with Pacifica's accusation but instead he looked rather amused with her.

"Oh you think so do you? Tell me something, did you know that we Dwarves can do magic?"

"Well I kind of suspected it what with Groot over here." cracked Dipper.

"He is not Groot! He's never BEEN Groot! He's never GOING to be Groot! What even IS that? Some type of plant?" Siegfried snapped. "Whatever, moving on... Dwarf magic is all about the earth. We are born from it, raised inside of it, and eventually laid to rest in it. It was only natural that we get mastery over it. To an extent anyways; it always boils down to the soil."

"Is that how you were able to make Gr..."

"Stop calling him Groot!!! It's getting very annoying!!" Ruth snapped.

"Not our fault you didn't name the stupid thing!!" Pacifica snapped back.

"Quite." Siegfried adjusted his monocle. "You are correct though. I was able to create him with the soil inside this mountain which is why he is misshapen and lopsided if a bit clumsy, but back to my point. The better the soil the more I can do with it, why if it's rich enough I can even create gold. Which was exactly what I was going to give the townsfolk for our deal, but then HE happened!"

Bart and Ruth silently raged at the memory.

"Of course I am speaking of none other than Jack Frost! Before we could finalize the deal, he chased us in here with his blizzard and sealed us inside! So as you can see this is really all his fault."

Whatever little tantrums he had brought to the surface were gone now. He gave them a pleasant smile feeling confident he had pleaded his case sufficiently.

"Okay, that's enough." Dipper stated.

"Pardon?"

"That's enough. I think I've heard enough to figure out the real story. Of course this is only if my psychological analysis skills are as good as I think they are, so I'm afraid you'll have to tell me how far off the bat I am with this one. The way I see it, you wanted the rich farmland for yourself to utilize your magic to create stone soldiers better than the one which attained us right?"

Siegfried opened his mouth to say something but closed it after a moment. Dipper continued. "So you made them an offer they couldn't refuse, but in exchange every citizen of that town would be literally losing their home. Unprepared for the journey ahead of them, you, the man who gave them the gold for the land would sell them a vast of different things from rope to food to clothes to I don't know what else..."

"Carriages for their livestock." Bart added absentmindedly.

Siegfried sent the unicorn a glare but stayed his focus on Dipper as he continued.

"Thank you. And being the poor town they probably were back then the only thing they would have to offer you would be the gold you already gave them for the town. Leaving you both the town and the money. And then you got some Sylph interference from the one, the only Jack Frost. Not letting you steal their homes from them, Jack Frost chased you in to this mountain with a blizzard just like you said where he sealed you inside. However, with Jack Frost being himself he just left and forgot about you. Plus if you were really as desperate for a home as you claim to be you would have just made a stone house like the one we're sitting in. So what do you say Short Stack, am I in the ballpark?"

"Wait! He just up and forgot about us?! Why that no good son of a..."

"Ruthless please!" Siegfried snapped. "Very good Mr. Pines, you are very astute." His pleasant smile was gone now, replaced with a serious stern expression. He stood up and 'walked' over to them with his hands behind his back. Hovering in front of them, the two couldn't help but notice the ice starting grow in the corners of the room behind him. "Your detective skills are nothing to laugh at. I can see that lying to you would be a waste of time and effort. So out of a sign of respect, I will clue you in on a couple of key details you missed."

"Wait! Boss are you kidding me over here?! You aren't really going to tell him everything are you?!"

"Bartholomew, it's fine. They won't be going anywhere. I would have turned the town in to a capitol for Dwarves everywhere, and then when we had enough soldiers of the earth they would go in to the cities of the human and expand this nation in to a kingdom for Dwarves!"

"And you think your 'Goliaths' would actually succeed?!"

"With the rich soil of that town? I wouldn't bet against us. Oh but I do like that name you just used, 'Goliaths', fitting title. Of course those willing to make a deal rather than try their chances against our show of force, well those will be the sweetest victories of all."

"There's still somethings I don't get!" Pacifica exclaimed. "That thing which attacked us in the tree during the blizzard, I don't think it was your stone sentry here but it had to be your attack somehow! And another thing, you were probably the one controlling that blizzard since you seem to be 'wearing' Jack Frost's powers, but how were you able to steal them in the first place?"

Siegfried narrowed his eyes at her. "Very nosy, this one. I see no harm in it though. Bart, be a good sport and get the book will you?"

Dipper shook his head with despair. "Not another spell book." He knew that if it was anything like Edna's spell book it was going to be a pain in the butt.

"Alright, I'll go get it! I want it on record that I think all of this is a very dumb idea!"

"Nobody asked your opinion, ya mutant donkey!! Just get the book!"

Bart rolled his eyes at Ruth's insult and headed out the door.

"While we're waiting why don't I tell you about what happened when we first found ourselves trapped inside? First thing we did was try to break through the wall of permafrost, but we soon discovered it freezes everything it touches. We couldn't break through it either; we constructed a ram out of stone and it shattered on the first try. So then we thought we could dig around it and guess what?"

"You were completely surrounded by the stuff." answered Pacifica.

"YES!!! Every direction was covered!! Things seemed absolutely hopeless, then I remembered the book we acquired from a druid in exchange for some food..."

"Hey! Wait a minute! That brings up a pretty good point! If you guys were stuck in here for a hundred and fifty years then exactly what did you eat to survive!"

"Bats, bugs, anything we could find really. Now then Mr. Pines, if I may continue? Again?"

Siegfried was obviously getting tired of the constant interruptions but Dipper was a tad distracted by Pacifica and the look of disgust she had plastered on her face from the mental images of Siegfried's diet.

"Turns out it was a spell book, along with a vast variety of other spells we found one which allows for a transference of powers and abilities."

Dipper was about to ask another question when the door opened and in walked Bart with a book stuck to his face.

"I got the book. Also I think our little ice minion is finally on its way to bringing our mutual 'friend' here."

"Mutual friend? Wait a minute! That thing that tried to kill us out in the blizzard, that was one of you guys wasn't it?"

"Correct my lovely lady, that was a recent creation of ours but he was designed to seek out Jack Frost, not attack his helpers. He is actually the result from the combination of magic between my Dwarven magic and that found in the book. A sort of ice version of our stone friend here; once I had acquired enough of Jack Frost's powers I was able to try my hand at doing something with the permafrost and thus your attacker was born. The combination of magics even allowed it to pass through the permafrost. Sadly the same couldn't be said for the rest of us."

"What? Let me see that book!" Dipper's tone was unappreciated but Bart still lowered it to his eye sight all the same. "The Druid's Big Guidebook to Spells?"

"What?" Siegfried scrunched his face in confusion. "No that's not right. Oh! There must be dust on the book! Go ahead and blow on the cover."

Dipper did as he was told but the rest of the title didn't make him feel any better. "For Dummies?"

"Oh you have got to be kidding me."

"Every now and then, Pacifica, you come across something which seems just plain ridiculous. It's best not to try and fight it."

"Silly as the title may seem, it revealed the way to acquire our escape. It was through Jack Frost's touch we were trapped here so it was only through Jack Frost we could gain our escape. By stealing his very essence I would become a new, different Jack Frost and gain our freedom. Our magics seem to mix well together, and there's a whole new era out there just waiting for me!"

*KNOCK!**KNOCK!**KNOCK!*

The door kicked in and Jack Frost was hurled through the doorway landing roughly in front of Dipper. He seemed even worse than the last time they saw him, his face didn't change but he had a beard now which covered his body from the chin down.

Using what looked like a long a long icicle as as a walking stick, he managed to stand up but his legs were wobbling suggested that even this a challenge to him. Never before had Dipper seen Jack appear so frail.

"Hey Dipping-Sauce, clothes disappeared like I said. Lucky for you this beard is acting as censorship but here," Jack reached in to his beard and pulled out Dipper's fedora. "I found your hat. It has a hole in it for some reason though."

He tried to hand it to Dipper, but with his arms restrained Jack had to settle for placing it on his head.

Back off his tippy toes, Jack actually smiled at the sight of Dipper reunited with his hat.

"Heh. You have a tuft of hair sticking out of the hole."

He took a step back only to bump in to Bart.

"Hey!!" Bart turned around and lifted up his hind legs. "I'M WALKIN' HERE!!"

With a brutal horse kick to the back Jack was sent sailing over Dipper's head and hit the wall behind him.

"JACK!!!"

Jack coughed as he struggled to his feet. "I'm okay, Dipper. I just didn't see that reject goat there, that's all."

"I am NOT a goat!!"

"Well you're certainly not a horse." quipped Jack. "I mean, come on, horses don't have horns."

He had been trying to use his icicle walking stick to prop himself up but when he was almost completely upright the icicle broke causing him to stumble forward a little bit. He stared at the broken pieces in his hand suspiciously. "What made me think this was a good idea? It's made of ice for pity's sake."

As he pondered this, Ruth fluttered in to his vision and landed on the tip of his long nose.

"Hey there Princess."

Ruth cracked her knuckles. "Oh I've been waiting for this for a long time!!"

Dipper saw Jack wince and flinch over and over again as tiny little glints shining in the light could be seen dancing around him.

"BARTHOLOMEW!! RUTHLESS!! THAT IS QUITE ENOUGH!!!" roared Siegfried.

Jack's flinching came to an end and he fell to his knees covered in small cuts. He moaned something under his breath about 'Quick little thing' as Siegfried's shadow fell over him.

"You two can't just attack Jack like that." Siegfried picked up Jack by his throat and held him in the air. "At least not before I get my turn in first!"

"It's so nice we can finally see on this situation eye..." He reeled back his fist back and gave Jack Frost a brutal hay maker to the face. "To eye!!" And this was only the beginning, multiple punches to face followed by some brutal kicks to the ribs, Jack Frost was worked over. "...stop it..."

Dipper's attention darted to Pacifica and saw she was watching the scene with horror.

"STOP IT!!!" Pacifica found herself shouting. She had no love for the man but she couldn't stand to see them do such a thing to him. As much as she disliked the Sylph, she knew he didn't deserve this. She knew he didn't deserve to be beaten to death. "CAN'T YOU SEE THAT YOU'RE KILLING HIM?!"

Siegfried actually stopped his assault and eyed Pacifica as if she had said something startling. "He did this to himself! If he hadn't sealed us inside then none of this would have ever happened."

He tossed Jack like a rag doll through the air where he landed right in front of Pacifica. Jack looked up at Pacifica but his face was not a sight to see."Hey Blondie..." A black eye, a swollen cheek, and a busted lip was enough to make her cringe; and this was only the damage she could see, she couldn't even imagine what they did to the rest of him. The poor man couldn't even stand up.

"YOU'RE MONSTERS!! ALL OF YOU!!"

"Oh please!" Siegfried rolled his eyes. "If anybody is a monster around here it's Jack! Who seals people inside of a mountain?! Honestly! The only reason why he's getting it now is because nobody has ever been able to hit him. And I happy to fill in for those who were never able to before now."

Jack coughed up some blood, drawing the attention back to himself.

"Yeah, big man just slapping a dick around!"

The three 'associates' exchanged uncomfortable awkward stares before Siegfried cleared his throat.

"Ahem. Perhaps you want to rephrase that?"

"Why? You're the one who has a problem with stopping." Jack tried to shake the cobwebs from his head but it seemed futile so he settled for lying down on the floor instead.

Instead of giving Jack another beat down, Siegfried adjusted tux and held his head high. "Come along everyone. I think it's about time for us to leave this prison."

"About time! What about the humans?" Ruth asked.

"If they love Jack Frost so much then they can spend the rest of their lives in here with him. Bartholomew, be a good sport and get the book."

"Right away, Boss."

"How can that thing stay on your face?" Ruth asked.

"I have a naturally sticky face."

When they were all out the door, Dipper gave a sigh of relief. "I didn't think they'd ever leave. Jack?"

Jack sat upright quickly and winced almost immediately. "Yeah Dipper?"

"My outer right jacket pocket has my President's key, get it for me will ya?"

"The President's key? Really? This isn't a lock Dipper!"

"I know Pacifica, but the key has always come in more handy than I ever would have thought. Chances are it might work on this stone stuff too, we are all 'locked up' after all."

Jack stopped searching through Dipper's pocket and gave him a dirty look. "Did you just make pun?"

"Umm... yeah?"

"Well you're not good at it. Don't do it again!"

Jack finally pulled the key out triumphantly. "Now what?"

"Press it against the stone and turn."

He did as he was told and the rock surrounding Dipper crumbled in to the stones they once were. He stretched out his limbs before the taking the key from Jack. "Ah. That's much better! Okay Pacifica, your turn."

He freed her the same way Jack freed him but a look of shock and disbelief never left her face. "I can't believe that actually worked!"

"I think we just lucked out this time. I doubt it would work again with a different form of entombment."

"So what do we do now?"

"Well we know who's doing this, and we have an idea how but we're still in the dark as to how we can get Jack his powers back. I'm guessing the answer is probably in that book of his, I say we go investigate!"

"Right! Jack, are you coming with us? Jack??"

Pacifica looked to Jack only for him to be face down on the floor.

"OH NO, JACK'S DEAD!!"

"WHAT?!"

Dipper raced over to Jack's body and lifted up his head for inspection. However, a sound coming Jack's body made Dipper drop it carelessly on to the floor.

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

"Is he...?"

"Yes Pacifica. He was never dead. He's just sleeping."

"I don't believe it! Even when he's asleep he's a dick."

"Cut him a little slack. He has been through a lot and he needs a way to conserve energy. Come on, we need to catch up with our crooks."

Omake

"Boss," Ruth chirped. "Are you sure we shouldn't leave like a guard or something to keep those humans in check?"

"Hmm... Excellent point my dear Ruthless. We shall do one better than a guard though. Bartholomew? The book."

While Bart brought the book over so the Dwarf could thumb through the pages, unbeknownst to them they were being watched. Hiding behind a rock, Dipper and Pacifica watched with the utmost carefulness.

"Aha! Here we are!" Siegfried started to swirl his hands around as a green light started to shine between them beginning the spell. "This spell will bring forth a being from one of their memories to serve us! A being surrounded with so much negative emotions, that they will gladly aide us in keeping those humans in check."

Dipper and Pacifica heard this loud and clear. They both immediately thought of Bill, if he was brought back at full power than it was all over for them.

Finally something popped out of the light which left everyone, even Siegfried, completely stunned.

"Flip a Dip-Dip!! Dippy Fresh is back Dude Bros!"

Staring at this small strange little twelve year old boy, the onlookers couldn't help but drop their jaws in confusion.

"Um... What is that?" asked Bart.

"I don't know! I thought I did the spell right!"

"Well..." Ruth cracked her neck. "Can I kill it?"

"I think that would be a service to everyone here."

Meanwhile Pacifica was staring at Dipper with a confused look which simply begged for him to explain the atrocity that was Dippy Fresh.

However, instead of offering an explanation he merely averted his gaze from both her and the soon be murdered Dippy Fresh and said. "I don't want to talk about it."

Chapter Text

Dipper and Pacifica were doing their best to tail Siegfried and his goons without being noticed. Thankfully enough, they were far enough away to see them with the fading light yet could still be concealed in the darkness around them. However, just to play it safe, they made sure to keep as low to the ground as possible.

Siegfried came to a sudden stop, throwing up his arms to stop the march of his little brigade.

"Hold on everyone, a thought just occurred to me." Siegfried announced. "Bartholomew, get back to the ritual rock and put the protective spell from page 394 on it. If that human can figure out our plan just by seeing through my lies then it probably wouldn't take him too long to figure out how we did everything."

"Aw come on, why can't Ruth go?"

"Because Ruth has a weight limit, now march!"

Finding refuge behind a large rock, Pacifica listened intently, waiting for Dipper to give the order a tail Bart. It never came, Dipper was being unusually quiet. Turning her attention to him she saw he had the entirety of his attention focused solely on his hat resting in his hands. He wiggled his finger through the hole Ruth had cut from the inside and then frowned.

"Wow," he said as quietly as possible. "That bums me out!"

Pacifica rolled her eyes playfully. Dipper being sad about something so little as a hat was almost, well, cute.

"Come on, Dipper. I'll fix that for you later."

"Promise?"

Pacifica almost laughed, was Dipper being earnest with her right now or was he just playing with her? She honestly couldn't tell. Either way she found it charming.

"Yes, I promise. Now let's move you goof!"

As she started to push him from a behind, a playful smile raced across Dipper's face. "Okay! I think I have a plan on what we can do!"

Bart moved his way bitterly through the cave grumbling the entire way. Although the book was still attached to his face he had no problems seeing where he was going given to the long shape of his face. The light from the ceiling was fading more and more so he had to make sure he hurried with his little chore.

"Stupid, lousy, no good... why do I have to... grrrr!"

Bart stopped when he heard a small pebble fall to the ground. He had the sudden suspicion he wasn't alone anymore.

A taser wire shot out of the shadows suddenly, heading directly for his lower legs. Bart, however, had learned from his past experience. He reeled himself upward on two legs letting the taser tip harmlessly hit the ground instead. He stomped his hoof down on the wire to prevent it from being reeled in.

"NOT THIS TIME, BITCH!"

"Who you calling a 'bitch'?"

"Huh?"

Out from the shadows emerged Dipper, but instead of his gun he was holding Pacifica's umbrella.

"You... switched weapons? Why...?"

From behind Dipper, Pacifica dashed out and snatched the book off of Bart's face and ran in the direction of the stone cabin. Bart stomped the ground angrily, getting ready to charge.

"Oh no you don't!"

Bart took two steps in to his gallop before Dipper cut him off, catching Bart by the horn with his dinosaur dagger. "Oh yes she does!!"

Bart jumped back to get some distance between him and the detective. He leaped forward in an attempt to stab Dipper but a quick block with the dagger ensured all it did was push him back a little. Bart tried to stab Dipper with his horn with repeated thrusts but none of his attempts succeeded as Dipper either dodged out of the way or deflected the horn with his dagger.

"Bet having a knife fight with a unicorn is the strangest thing you've ever done!" Bart said, doing his best to get a decent stab in.

Dipper smiled cockily.

"Are you kidding me?! This doesn't even make it in to my top ten of strange things!"

Dipper flipped his dagger in to the air before catching it with his other hand and going on the offensive.

"What the... but how is that possible?!"

Suddenly caught off guard, Bart tried to dodge Dipper's attacks.

"YOU'VE never met my sister!!"

Dipper brought a double handed swing down but Bart managed to block it catching it with his horn. Sweat rolled down Bart's face as he struggled to push back; he gritted his teeth in frustration, Dipper was a better opponent with his dagger than Bart would have cared to admit.

"You don't really think you can win this, do you?! This horn is ATTACHED!!! You're never going to disarm me!! YOU CAN'T WIN THIS!!!"

"I don't have to disarm you OR beat you! I just have to stall you!!"

nside the stone house...

Pacifica had the book on the floor as she was flipping through the pages on all fours trying to find the correct spell to undo Jack's predicament.

"Come on! Come on!! Stupid book! Grrr!"

She pounded her fist next on the floor. There were thirty pages about proper robe maintenance and seven pages about using magic to create stairs but there wasn't a lot of lethal spells. It actually made searching through it pretty difficult. She took a breath and calmed herself down.

"I guess I shouldn't really complain either. This could be a lot worse. At least the pages are in English... somehow."

"ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

Pacifica had actually forgotten that they had left Jack here. With his snoring getting louder, Pacifica stood up with the book closed in her arms.

She tiptoed over to his sleeping form, his snoring only seemed to get even louder. She raised the book over her head and then...

*SMACK!*

"OW!!! Okay you caught m..."

*WHAM!*

"SON OF A..."

*BAM!*

"UNCLE!!"

*SMACK!*

"OKAY, OKAY YOU WIN!!!"

Pacifica stopped her assault and let Jack get to his feet.

Giving him a dirty look she said "If you have time to fake sleep then you have time to help Dipper stall that stupid unicorn!"

"Okay fine! But how did you know I was faking?"

"The only people who snore that loud are just doing it to get attention. You may be a dick but you are not a subtle one."

"You respect your elders, young lady! Oooh my back! Alright here I go!"

With a hand on his back, Jack wobbled his way out the door while Pacifica went back to reading.

She muttered to herself quietly, turning a couple more pages.

"Oh! That looks like it fits the bill!"

Dipper quickly slid on the ground as a mule kick sailed over head, sliding towards the front legs Dipper opened Pacifica's umbrella catching Bart's legs and sending him crashing to the floor face first.

"Hey! That was a pretty slick move!"

The new voice caught both combatants by surprise. A few feet away Jack stood watching them with a beard so long it looked like he could trip over it if he wasn't careful. He also seemed to have lost a lot of color to his skin, he seemed downright gray. Even his beard was starting to turn white.

"Jack?? What are you doing here?"

"I dunno!" he shrugged. "Your girlfriend beat me up and practically ORDERED me to come help you!!"

"She's NOT my girlfriend!"

"Are you sure? Because there are times when she ACTS like she's your girlfriend. And I mean in the protective-violent kind of way."

Bart stood up and aimed his horn at Jack. "I never really was satisfied with just leaving you here. Now I can get my payback by turning you in to my own personal shish kabob!"

With a mad charge Bart dashed towards Jack, his horn lowered intent to impale.

"NOO!!!"

Dipper tried to tackle Bart to the ground but it was too late.

"Oh shit!!"

Jack turned around and ran faster than even he would have thought of himself capable of. However, his beard was flailing about between his legs promising trouble for the former iceman.

"Huh. I didn't think I could still move this fas...OH THERE IT GOES!!!"

Tripping over his beard, Jack went tumbling forward at even greater speeds.

Pacifica ran with the book until she reached what she was looking for, a totem. However, this totem wasn't a normal wooden carving like you would find on a Native American totem pole. Instead it was made up of rock and went no higher than Pacifica's knee. The totem resembled a face, not to be confused with the Mystery Shack's 'Rock-That-Looks-Like-A-Face-Rock', no this totem had a face which was made up of smaller stones. And while it stood firmly on the ground in front of her, behind it was a ravine which was so deep Pacifica couldn't even see the bottom to it. Peering down in to it alone gave her a feeling of vertigo so she made sure she was a good few feet away from it. The feeling of Terra frima under feet was comforting, chasing away any feelings of dread.

Pacifica pulled out Dipper's gun and set the dial on the bottom of the handle to the laser.

"Good thing Dipper got around to teaching me how to use this thing."

She moved the white coverings forward and pulled the trigger. A red laser beam shot out of the mouth hitting the stone statue in the top of the head. The laser had a bit more of a kick back than she would have expected but she steadied herself accordingly.

The laser took a moment drilling it's way through the stone before piercing through to the other side. Moving it down, the laser proceeded to cut through the stone.

"I sure hope this works!

Jack leaned up against the wall to catch his breath, he couldn't go any further.

"It's no good. I'm done."

His vision was starting to blur but he was pretty sure he saw Bart charging towards him horn first. "Looks like this is it." He slid down the wall and laid down on the ground. "I can't even move anymore." A shadow fell over him and he knew it had to be Bart, he closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable... it never came. The fact that Bart wasn't skewering him right now was more than just strange, it was absurd. However, when Jack heard Bart's heavy breathing it all made sense. He opened his eyes and sure enough, Bart was panting heavily trying to catch his breath.

"Out of shape huh? Being in a cave is no excuse for not doing cardio you know."

"Shut your pie hole!!"

"Whatever. This is still it for me. If I'm lucky I'll pass away before you can get your final blow in. At least I know Dipper'll take you down."

"Your detective mook is going to spend the rest of his life in here! I think I've changed my mind though, instead of turning you in to a pin cushion, I'm just going to stomp you flat!" Bart reared up his front hooves when Dipper tackled him from behind.

Tumbling on the ground, Bart found himself on his back with Dipper saddled on his chest.

"LEAVE MY FRIEND ALONE!!!"

With a left hook and right one, Dipper started to pummel Bart's face. In his haste to save his friend, however, he neglected to pin down the horse's forelegs leaving them free to flail about and kick him off. Bart got to his feet and shook his head dispelling any dizziness from the bludgeoning. Dipper had landed a couple of feet away, his face was a little bloodied but he looked more than ready to pick up where he left off.

"I'll say this once! If you want to hurt him, you're going to have to go through ME first!!"

"FINE!!!" Bart charged at Dipper but something went wrong and he ended up flat on his face. He looked down to his front leg and found his hoof frozen to the ground in ice. "NO!!! No, no, no!! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!! HOW CAN THIS BE?!"

Behind Bart, Jack was back on his feet standing tall. His beard was falling apart, one strand at a time, revealing a victorious smile underneath. He closed his eyes, savoring this moment.

"If you honestly thought you could just steal my powers and get away with it?" From the bottom of his feet, color started to return to Jack traveling up his body reaching his face where his eyes shot open with and icy blue light shining inside. "Then you don't know JACK!!"

"Boss?! Can you hear me?! Boss!! Are you okay?!"

Ruth flew around the head of the downed dwarf. He had collapsed as soon as they reached the ice wall. He was on all fours so Ruth couldn't get a good view of face.

The Goliath stood in the back emotionless and waiting for orders. The ice one had disappeared at the same time Siegfried had collapsed leaving just the one left.

"Siegfried, can you hear me?!"

"...it's gone..."

His voice was practically a whisper, Ruth was just barely able to hear him. "What?"

He looked up at her but there was no longer any ice inside his beard. "It's gone!! The powers!! They managed to reverse what we did!! WE WERE SO CLOSE!!!"

Siegfried slammed his fists on the ground creating cracks underneath. Seeing her boss like this was a rare sight for Ruth, yes she had seen him angry before but it was always with a silent fury. Him raging like this was actually pretty scary, and coming from her that was saying something. There was an insane look in his eyes drowning out any remnant of reason or rationality.

"Boss, calm down!! You're scaring me!!"

"It was those humans! I know it!! They think they can just come along and ruin my plans?! Undo ALL of my careful planning?! STEAL OUR FREEDOM?!"

He threw himself up to his feet and turned to the Goliath.

"Boss, why are you looking at the flunky like that?!" Ruth had a sneaking suspicion what he was planning and she didn't like it one bit.

Siegfried motioned for the Goliath to come closer bending down to his eye level.

"Boss let's not do anything drastic! The humans are still in the cave, we can still..."

Ruth cut herself off as she saw Siegfried grab the Goliath by the neck and pulled it's heads off. "AAGH!!" Ruth's yelp of surprise was ignored as the body of the Goliath collapsed to pieces; Siegfried eyed the head seriously in a deathly quiet.

"Siegfried don't do it!! You said it was forbidden for Dwarves to abuse their magic and..."

Opening his mouth wide he took a bite out of the head.

*GULP!*

"Oh shit!"

An energy surge began to form inside the mouth, a growing mass of crackling cobalt arcs.

"Nope!!!" Ruth exclaimed. "You're crazy even by my standards! I am out of here! I did NOT sign up for this!!"

Siegfried's body started to grow and bulge, his back became arched, his arms were elongated to the point where they reached the ground. Stones grew out of his body covering him entirely in rock. His mouth started to twist and turn, his teeth became fangs jutting out of his mouth made of sharp stone. He let out a monstrous roar which echoed throughout the cave.

The stout businessman was gone now, all that remained was a mindless monster bent on revenge.

Omake

"BART!!! BART!!! WHERE ARE YOU?!"

Ruth flew through the cave as fast as her little wings could carry her. She had to find Bart! They had to hide!!

"Here I am!" a depressing voice called out.

Ruth came to a stop as Bart slid to a stop in front of her. He was frozen in a block of ice with only his head sticking out.

"What happened to you?"

"Sigh. I got 'Jacked' up. He said the only way he wouldn't freeze my head too would be if I agreed to say that."

"This is bad!! I can't move you like this!"

"Why? What's wrong? Where's the boss?"

A blood curdling roar echoed from far behind Ruth making her wince.

"The answer to all of your questions," she pointed to the transformed Siegfried making a beeline charge towards them. "That."

With Siegfried smashing everything in his path it was obvious that there was no way they could avoid his mindless stampede. So, taking a deep breath, Bart looked to Ruth and said what he believed would be most likely his last words.

"I have always loved you."

"NOW?! We're about to die and you decide to tell me this NOW?!"

"Do you think I waited a little too long?"

"I think a hundred and fifty years is MORE than a 'little too long' but I guess it doesn't matter anyways since we're about to die!!"

Siegfried didn't slow his charge as he approached Bart and Ruth, instead he crossed his arms and threw them apart sending them flying apart.

"Ruth? You alive?" Bart wheezed.

"...yeah ... this pain makes me wish I wasn't."

"Well," Bart groaned. "at least we're alive... and together. That's something, right?"

"Yeah... That's just great!"

Chapter Text

Jack Frost floated through the air blissfully singing to himself.

"Back in black, da da de de do, I don't know the words but Jaaaaaaack is baaaack!"

"Pretty sure that's not how that song goes." Dipper commented.

"Oh whatever, listen you go find your Blonde Bombshell and I'm going to go check on the Icecube and the pixie gnat."

"Jack, I have just one question."

"What's that, Flip-A-Dip-Dip?"

"Don't call me that. Never call me that. Ever! My question for you is why can I see you right now? I'm not wearing the goggles!"

"Oh well that's simple, I'm just allowing you to. That's all."

This struck a nerve with Dipper. The goggles were his first successful invention as a child, for them to be unnecessary for their intended purpose was infuriating.

"Excuse me?!"

"Of course, I only let you use those goggles so much because I thought they made you look funny!"

"You dick!"

Dipper was about to really lay in to him when Siegfried's roar finally reached their part of the cave.

"What was that? I thought you only locked up Siegfried and his croonies!"

"I did!! Listen, you go find your girl and I'll look in to this!"

"Wait, no Jack! I don't think that's a very good..."

"Relax Gumshoe, I'm back in the saddle! Jack is back! I can handle anything now!"

Before Dipper could protest further Jack flew down the cave to investigate the roar.

Pacifica looked down at the totem rock, successfully cut in two. She ejected the burnt battery and tossed it over her shoulder.

"Pacifica!! Where are you?"

She jumped a little when she heard Dipper's voice calling out for her.

"Over here, Dipper!"

"Where? The cave is getting darker!"

It was true, the light from the cave ceiling was dimming more and more. So Pacifica pulled out Dipper's flashlight, given to her alongside with his gun, and flicked on and off in the direction she thought she heard his voice. He spotted her right away, having a small flashback to when she was playing with the flashlight in the secret room of her mansion from when they were twelve.

Running over to her he gave her a quick hug.

She blushed slightly but didn't object. When it broke she quietly handed him his gun and flashlight back; they shared a smile.

"I think we did it. Jack's looking in to something right now but so long as it's nothing too big I think all we have to do slap the cuffs and get out of here."

Jack had been traveling in the direction he had heard the roar but decided to stop when he found something truly interesting to himself.

"Bart? That actually you?"

The unicorn was freed from his ice cube but he was as limp as a rag doll. "Bart, I know you're not dead! I saw you blink!"

Jack knelt down and picked up Bart's head to look him in the eye. "Bart, can you speak?"

"I..."

Jack let go Bart's head believing that if the unicorn was well enough to explain himself then he would be well enough to hold up his head by himself. His belief was misplaced as Bart's head fell straight to the ground.

*THUD!*

"My bad. I thought you were ready." He picked up Bart's head a second time but this time he made sure Bart could lift his head all by himself. "Okay, now what happened?"

"Sieg..."

*THUD!*

Bart's head fell to the left landing on the ground. Jack rolled his eyes and picked up Bart's head a second time, the neck was wobbling but Jack trusted it to keep the head up. "Stay with me now. Who did this to you?"

"The bo..."

*THUD!*

Bart's head had now fallen to the right side causing Jack to throw his arms up in frustration. "THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!!"

This time he picked up Bart's head by his horn and looked him straight in the eye. "Enough's enough! WHAT HAPPENED?!" Jack hollered.

"IT WAS SIEGFRIED!!!" Bart hollered back. "He went nuts!! He aint even a dwarf no more!! He's some kind of monster, attacking everything in sight!! He's gonna bring this whole cave down!! Poor Ruthless, it's a miracle she's even alive right now..."

"Wait, that Cherry Flavored Lightning Bug is around here somewhere?"

Jack looked around trying desperately to spot her. He couldn't see her which meant she wasn't glowing at the moment. Not a good sign for her kind. "Ruth?"

"I'm over here..." she weakly called out.

Jack winced. "Oooh... Feeling some pain there? Don't worry ya Homicidal Butterfly, I'll get Dipper and Pacifica to help you." He turned back to Bart. "Now your boss, which way did he go?"

"He charged down the way you came and we haven't seen him since." Bart explained.

"Your brain must've been rattled in the attack. If he went down the way I came don't you think I would've at least passed him? I didn't see anybody, especially not 'some monster'."

"That's the thing about caves, Snowflake..."

A distant sound of crashing rocks caught Jack's attention. He turned around to see the monster Siegfried barreling towards them smashing everything in his path.

"It's easy to get turned around inside."

"Dear God, what has he done to himself?" Jack let go of Bart's horn. *THUD!* "Don't worry you two. I won't let him hurt you anymore."

Ruth and Bart looked at him with shocked awe. Twin whirlwinds of snowflakes spun themselves around Jack's hands as he readied himself to intercept the charging Siegfried.

"What?!" Ruth shrieked.

"Why?! You hate us!! You locked us in a mountain cave for a hundred and fifty years!! Why would you risk your life for ours?! Especially after we tried to kill you!!" Bart exclaimed.

Jack looked over his shoulder and gave the two henchmen a smile which very few had seen before. It was an honest smile. "I wanted you stopped not killed."

Bart looked up at Jack with confusion.

"What?"

"Although I do admit, I probably should've let you out a hundred years ago. I acted as judge, jury, and executioner so forgetting about you is something I never should have allowed myself to do. You probably felt like you had no choice to steal my very being to get your freedom. And for that, I'm sorry. On the plus side, I heard we recently got judges, juries, and executioners just for magical schmucks like us. So if we live you'll probably get a better sentence from them. Right now though, I have to make sure we live to see it!"

Jack rose in to the air and thrusted his hands forward. A blizzard immediately raged forth from them, covering the entire area in front of him. Siegfried met the blizzard full force, and while it gave him a good dusting of snow it did little to slow him down.

"He's not stopping!!!"

"Oh this isn't what's supposed to stop him. Don't you worry your pretty little horn about that. THIS is supposed to stop him!!"

A wall of ice started to form in front of Jack. The more the blizzard blew the thicker and larger it seemed to get.

"AN ICE WALL?! YOU THINK AN ICE WALL IS GOING TO STOP HIM?! HE'S BEEN SMASHING SOLID ROCK LEFT AND RIGHT!!!"

"It's not supposed to stop him. Trust me here, I'm a Jack Of All Trades!"

The ice wall was large enough to block Siegfried's path but the noticeable thing was it shone with a reflection like a mirror. The stampede came to a halt as Siegfried stared in to his own reflection curiously, like it was some strange new oddity that had yet to be viewed by the world. He graced one of his giant fingers against his reflection.

"Siegfried, if there's any rational part of you that's still in there then LOOK AT YOURSELF!! You've sacrificed everything of who you were for revenge, but if you surrender now then maybe you can salvage what dignity you have left before I kick your bu..."

Siegfried smashed the ice wall roaring with a mindless rage. The shattered ice chunks flying everywhere, Jack did his very best to maneuver out of the way.

"Or you could just rage quit in to temper tantrum trying to kill everyone. Sigh. You really are gone in there aren't you?" Jack was brought out of his musing when he felt a pair of eyes burning the back of his head. He looked to see Bart giving him an unimpressed glare.

"What?!"

"'Jack Of All Trades' huh? More like a Jack-Ass!"

"..."

"Jack?"

"Okay, that was a good shot. That's a point for you. I have absolutely no argument against you there."

"So what are you gonna do now?!" Ruth shrieked.

"Well if reason isn't gonna work, I'll have to use force!"

Jack flew to intercept Siegfried but he had already begun his attack. He flailed his giant arms around trying to crush Jack like some crazed gorilla would try to swat a gnat in the air. Jack threw his arms out and icicles shot out of his hands like bullets. Crashing against the stone behemoth they did little other than shatter, forcing Jack to think of a different tactic.

Jack clapped his hands together and then spread them apart, a snowy white energy was starting to circulate in the space between; he threw his arms to the side as if he were holding some giant thing as the energy left no space left. I giant icicle spear appeared in his arms from the white energy, Jack nearly fell from the new weight but managed to catch himself appropriately.

"If a bunch of little ones won't work, then let's try one big one!"

Jack flew at Siegfried with a wordless battle cry, set to impale the giant rock monster he aimed the giant icicle at his head. Siegfried caught it with both hands when it was only a few feet away from his head, he tightened his grip on it to the point where his fingers actually dug in to the ice.

"That's not good."

Huge cracks started to form in the icicle starting from his finger punctures moving up to the base towards Jack. Reaching the end, the icicle spear shattered sending Jack flying backwards. He slid on the ground but got back up as if nothing had happened to him. He rolled up what little sleeves he had and marched his way back to Siegfried.

"Alright Siegfried, I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this but it's like the old saying goes. If you can't take the heat... cheat!!

Jack flew straight Siegfried's head, but just as Jack got within arm's reach of Siegfried he disappeared. Siegfried looked around but Jack was nowhere to be seen.

However, he was so busy looking for Jack he didn't notice the frost starting to accumulate on his right arm. It started with a full circle around Siegfried's arm and moved it's way down towards his fingers in a spiral. The frost turned to ice which only got thicker finally earning Siegfried's attention. He eyed it curiously, his arm was getting heavier as the ice got thicker.

*CRACK!*

A large crack appeared in his arm but it went far deeper than just the ice.

*CRACK!**CRACK!**CRACK!**CRACK!**CRACK!*

With multiple cracks running across his arm, the stone it was made up of finally gave way to the brittleness and crumbled away. Shockingly, Siegfried barely reacted to this at all. Not unlike how one would react to receiving a paper cut or accidentally biting their cheek.

"OH COME ON!!" Jack reappeared in mid air. "That was your FRIGGIN ARM!!! It should have at least hurt!!"

Siegfried roared yet again, slamming his fist in to Jack's body sending him flying in to the cave wall. His body left a decent sized indent which he seemed to be stuck inside of.

"Was that... supposed to hurt? Because I don't feel pain again and..."

Jack blacked out in his hole leaving him to Siegfried's mercy. Siegfried stared down at Jack unconscious form with a predatory smile when a distant sound caught his ear distracting him from his prey.

"Oh Dipper, you're so funny..."

"Thanks, but watch out for that ledge."

"Seriously, Mabel was covered in syrup for three days after that!"

"Haha. You know how to really make a girl feel better after a stressing adventure, ya know that?"

"Thanks, so you really cut this totem thing right down the middle huh?"

At the their feet the totem rock sat in two pieces sticking out of the ground.

"Yeah, it was all thanks to that one on one training you gave me."

"Yes well I... Do you hear that?"

"Yeah, what is that? Was that the noise Jack was supposed to get on top of?"

They squinted in the distance and saw Siegfried barreling towards them and closing fast.

"WHAT IS THAT?!"

"STAND BACK, PACIFICA!!"

Dipper got down on one knee and pulled out his gun.

*PLOOT!**PLOOT!**PLOOT!*

Three blasts of goop shot towards Siegfried. However, Siegfried managed to dodge these shots when he slammed his fist on the ground catapulting the rest of his body in to the air. The shots sailed underneath him harmlessly as he hurdled through the air closing in on his human opponents. He reached his hand towards Pacifica for a midair grab. Time seemed to slow down as his hand got closer and closer to grabbing her.

"PACIFICA!!! LOOK OUT!!!"

At the last second Dipper pushed Pacifica out of the way forcing the creature to grab him instead, sending them both careening over the ledge. Inside Siegfried's grip Dipper quickly adjusted his gun to the whip, thankfully Siegfried only had him by the waist, and lashed his whip up to the top. The goop wrapped around the two pieces of the stone totem forcing them together. However, the stone almost got pulled out of the ground by Dipper and Siegfried's combined weight had Pacifica not suddenly grabbed it. She was pulling with all her might but the only thing keeping the rock grounded was her also trying to force it deeper in to the ground. And in all honesty it wasn't working too well, she and the rock were being dragged to the ledge so she tried to dig her feet in to the ground.

Dipper looked down at the monster Siegfried who was writhing about like some strange animal and then he looked up to the ledge, his last minute trick was working but not well enough. And from the sounds of the grunting from above, Pacifica was trying to help. He could see her now, desperately trying to keep his anchor from going over, she was probably going to end up going over with him. There was one thing he could do to save her but it was pretty drastic. He looked down at Siegfried and then back up at Pacifica, his choice was clear.

"Pacifica listen to me! You can't hold on to that, and we can't let this thing reach the surface! It looks like we're going to have to make a pretty hard decision!"

Pacifica knew almost instantly what Dipper was talking about and she refused to accept it.

"Don't say that! We'll find a way out of this together!" She tried to reach her hand to get a hold of some the goop but it was no good, she couldn't risk letting go of the rock. "Just like we always do!!"

Dipper pulled out his dagger and gave Pacifica an apologetic look. "I'm sorry Pacifica, but I'm taking the decision out of your hands."

"No Dipper don't!! No no no please!!! DIPPER, YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!! PLEASE!!!"

In one quick swipe Dipper cut the goop line sending both him and the monster Siegfried plummeting down in to the darkness.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Pacifica got on all fours and pulled up the goop line desperately only to find the end Dipper cut. "No..."

She stared down in to the abyss in a desperate hope that perhaps Dipper landed on a ledge or something. Only darkness met her, but as a certain numbness started to take hold something from the darkness flew up. She sat up as it fluttered all the way up to her, it was Dipper's hat. It landed delicately on her lap with the hole in it facing her.

She picked it up and held it tightly against her chest. And then, she broke down. The tears came flooding down as she sobbed uncontrollably.

Dipper was dead. Gone from her life forever. And how was she supposed to move on now? With no Dipper to greet her in the morning, no Dipper to explain a crazy situation or complicated contraption, no Dipper to offer support when she would get herself caught in a dangerous corner, and no Dipper to comfort her when she felt vulnerable. She wasn't sure how long she stayed and cried but it must have been hours, that's how it felt anyways. She was all alone now. How was she supposed to move on?

"WOO HOO!!" Jack's voice rung out from behind her. "Sure am glad that whole mess is over with!"

Pacifica tightened her grip on Dipper's hat. It seemed like an insult for Dipper to die and for a dick like Jack to still be around.

"Whoa!" Jack was floating in the air but low enough to the ground that he saw Pacifica's face. "What's with the waterworks? Seriously, who died?"

"DIPPER DID!!!" Pacifica gave Jack a harsh shove away from her. He floated over the ledge and gave her a look of shocked surprise. "He SACRIFICED himself and now I'm... now he's..."

"Hey. Hey." Jack floated over and lifted her chin to look him in the face. "It's okay. He's not dead."

"...what..."

He point over to her left. "See?" There Dipper stood alive and unharmed. "Dipper's still alive."

Pacifica stood up and weakly walked over to him. She caressed her hand against his cheek and felt the little bristles of his shaved facial hair.

"But how..?"

"Jack. He saved me with that snow trick at the last..."

*SLAP!*

It took Dipper a moment to register the slap he just received from Pacifica, given how quick she had given to him he couldn't help but look back at her in confusion. However, the look on her faced seemed to tell it all. Pacifica glared at him through tear filled eyes as Dipper rubbed the cheek Pacifica had slapped tenderly.

"Do you have ANY idea how scared I was?! YOU WERE GONE!!! HOW SAD I... And I thought... I thought..."

She broke down again but this time she was sobbing in to Dipper's shoulder. He was taken back at first by the gesture but relaxed and put his arms around her comfortingly.

"It's okay. I'm alive." She sobbed harder and Dipper hugged her tighter. "It's all over now."

A couple of hours later, Dipper and Pacifica were back at the RV. Dipper had just finished cleaning all the snow out of the RV and was trying to dry it out using Pacifica's hair dryers(much to her protests). Pacifica, on the other hand was busy 'getting her feet wet' with filling out the paper work on a park picnic table. Both jobs were pretty dull but it helped calm Pacifica down. The snow was all gone now and the greenery had come back in full force, nothing but grassy hills and pine trees as far as the eye could see.

She was feeling fine now so it was no surprise to her when Jack Frost suddenly appeared in front of floating above the park bench.

"Hey 'Snuggles'."

"Hey 'Frosty'."

"Oh! A playful jab back! Looks like somebody is feeling better."

"Yeah, now that I've had an time to calm down I'm actually feeling pretty fine."

"Where's your boyfriend?"

"He's not my boyfriend."

"SERIOUSLY?! After all that?! COME ON!!!"

"Listen, Dipper is important to me. I know that now. If I try to rush it though, it could ruin what we, like, already have. I can't have that. What we have now is fine too, ya know?"

"Chicken!!" Jack accused.

"What?"

"Make all the excuses you want, but it sounds to me like you're just being too big of a chicken to cannonball in and take the plunge! So disappointing!!"

Pacifica rolled her eyes and gave a sigh of defeat. "Whatever. Dipper's inside the RV trying to clean up the mess you left us and basically voiding the warranty on my hair dryers."

"Oh he doesn't have to do that. I can just make that stuff disappear."

Pacifica punched Jack in the arm. "Well why didn't you just tell us that?!"

"Okay, first off you should know by now I wouldn't feel that. And secondly, I didn't tell you for one reason." Jack smiled at her. "I'm a dick."

Jack flapped his arms down and floated to the open door of the RV while Pacifica gave him a suspicious look.

There was some light chatter inside the RV but it came to an end with a shout of "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU COULD DO THAT?!"

Jack flew out the door the RV backwards with Dipper stomping angrily towards him, wearing his newly patched hat. Pacifica's 'patch job' for his hat was basically sewing a piece of pink fabric over the hole. He'd never tell her this but it was actually pretty disappointing for him, he felt ridiculous. It was stated in her defense however, that brown was not a color she often associated with so she hadn't seen any reason to buy such a color of fabric.

Jack threw up his hands in a peaceful gesture. "Because you didn't ask! Hey, it's okay though! Look!"

Snapping his fingers with both hands, all the water disappeared.

Dipper facepalmed but then gave a sigh of defeat not unlike the one Pacifica gave. "Fine. Would have been nice if you told us you could that sooner, but fine. Hey, wait. What about that sphere of permafrost? Now that there's no prisoners there's really no need for it to be there, is there?"

Jack shrugged. "Fair enough. I'll just get rid of it."

Jack clapped his hands and the distant mountain sunk in on itself like a bad souffle. Jack's jaw dropped from honest surprise at this sight.

"Soooo..." Dipper pipped in. "Do you mean to be a dick for that one or was this one just a legitimate accident?"

"This one was just a legitimate accident!" Jack confessed.

"I should probably inform the park ranger then."

"Before you do, what happened to Bart and Ruth?"

"G-Men showed up to escort them to special hospital for magical creatures. Ruth was lucky, she broke nearly every bone in her body. If Hasbro hadn't come up with an Intensive Care Barbie then we might not have been able to find casts that could fit her. With any luck they should get a lighter sentence then what you gave them. Now if you excuse me, I have a call to make."

Dipper headed back inside and for a moment Jack thought he was alone, rubbing his arm sadly with a sigh. He turned around and was immediately reminded of Pacifica's presence as she was standing right in front of him.

"I think I have you figured out Jack."

"Huh?"

Pacifica was smiling at Jack and this confused him greatly. When people smiled at him it was usually because they thought up of some sort of nasty surprise for him but this seemed different, it was a genuine smile. He had never seen one aimed at himself so he was a little unsure what to do about it.

"You're not a dick, Jack."

"LIAR!!!"

"It's not lie Jack. You act like a dick because you're afraid. Afraid of getting attached."

Jack chuckled uneasily as he pulled on his collar. "What? That is... completely ridiculous! Why would I be afraid of getting attached. Ha ha..."

"You said it yourself. You've been around a long time. Meaning you could outlive pretty much anyone you meet, so you act like a dick so people will push you and you won't get attached. The drawback is this has made you lonely too, so you do dickish things like ruin an RV so you can get attention."

Jack gave a sad smile and floated a little lower to the ground. "That isn't true... I don't know what... what you're talking about."

"Really? Prove it! What made you want to imprison Siegfried and his goons?"

"Um well..."

"Was it how awful the deal was?"

"You see..."

"Was it how sad the villagers were?"

"Will I..."

"What was it, Jack? Huh? What was it?"

"IT WAS A LITTLE GIRL, OKAY?!"

Pacifica's honest smile got a little bigger. "A little girl, you say. Please, do elaborate on that."

"It was stupid little girl who was crying her stupid little eyes out because Siegfried and his croonies would let her go back for her stupid bear which she forgot about in her stupid house!!"

"That's your entire reason?"

"NO!!" Now it was Jack's turn to sigh in defeat. "She was just the first to make me realize that it wasn't okay to do this sort of thing to anybody let alone everybody. They were all equally miserable and I had to stop it. And I only knew one way to do that."

Pacifica stood tall and triumphant, pleased with having figured out the legendary Jack Frost. "Jack, you're rude, insulting, and don't give any common decency to anyone... but I wouldn't want to see you, like, hurt either. There's a good person underneath that mask you wear."

Jack chuckled nervously and avoided eye contact with Pacifica. "C-Cut it out, will ya?! I'm not used to getting complimented like this!!"

"Very well, we can move straight on to the matter of your bill."

This brought Jack completely to the ground. "I'm sorry, my 'what' now?"

"Your bill. We don't work for you free you know?"

"YOU DON'T?!"

"This is how we make a living, Jack! Now, how are you going to pay us?"

"Ummm...Oh! I know!" He floated to Pacifica and then bit her on the nose.

"OW!!! What the Heck, Jack?!"

"Oh stop whining! I didn't even break the skin, ya big baby. I was giving you... just a little 'nip'. Oh I crack myself up! Anyways, you can tell Dipper I just paid my bill in full. Now if you excuse me, Dipper told me Japan has these myths called 'Snow Women'. I GOT to look in to that! Maybe marry one or something! I hope you enjoy your new 'quality time' together!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Jack gave Pacifica a salute goodbye and flew in to the sky. He got as high as the tree tops and then he vanished.

Pacifica rubbed her nose tenderly but smirked before walking off to find Dipper.

She didn't have to walk far. On the literal other side of the RV was Dipper handing Siegfried's book along with Edna's potions to what looked like a giant moth. It easily dwarfed Dipper, Pacifica would wager it to be about half the size of the RV. It had a giant fly like head with compound eyes, but instead of a fly mouth it had a couple of huge pincers. There was six limbs in total on this beast, four bug like arms and two grasshopper like legs with flat feet.

Pacifica being the former heiress she was, was no fan of bugs, so this sight may be what one would call 'alarming' to her to say the least.

"AAAAAAGH!!! WHAT IS THAT THING?!"

"WHOA!! PACIFICA, CALM DOWN!!!"

Dipper ran to her and quickly placed his arm around her to keep her from being scared further. She quickly calmed down with this, but still wasn't 'comfortable' with the new company. "Dipper...?"

"Pacifica, this is the Mothman. He's sort of a... coworker of ours! He's kind of like the... mailman for carrying evidence. Since the G-Men kept giving us lousy excuses I thought he could transport this cluttering evidence for us back to our headquarters in Washington."

This new information worked better for Pacifica than she would have thought. Now is seemed like less of 'gross creepy thing' and more like... like... well for some reason Toby Determined came to her mind.

"Actually kind of sensitive about the 'strange looks' thing. Screaming didn't really help."

Awkwardness was a feeling Pacifica was getting quite acquainted with as of late, especially as both Dipper and the Mothman stared at her patiently waiting for her to say something.

"Um... *Cough!* Sorry."

"I wish I could say I was used to it. Anyways Dipper, I'll get this back to headquarters but the boys in the lab say that they need to speak with you."

"The lab?"

"Yeah, they're getting some weird readings and they think your opinion would really help."

Dipper smirked. "Let me guess, the readings are coming from Gravity Falls?"

"Nope. Guess again."

Dipper stared at him curiously for a moment. "New Jersey?"

"Wrong again! They're coming from New York!"

"Huh." Dipper tipped his hat to him. "Well okay, we'll head there right away. Of course it's a few states away so it's going to take us a while."

"I'd better get this stuff to the evidence locker then."

The Mothman waved goodbye and started to fly away but smacked face first in to a tree.

"Ow!" He flew back to the left only to hit the tree next to it. "Ow!" Instead of flying around the tree he went back to his original flight path and smacked in to the first tree. "Ow! Who put that tree there?" Once again, he smacked in to the same tree again but this time it was at a slightly higher elevation."Ow!" Finally figuring out his problem, the Mothman up above the trees and started his journey.

Pacifica rubbed her chin in thought. "Something about him crashing in to those trees seem vaguely familiar! Like a habit from an acquaintance I know or something!"

"I know he can seem unreliable but that speed of his is nothing to sneeze at."

"Well if you vague for him, I guess I could learn to overcome my fear of bugs... one step at a time..."

"So what's up?"

"Jack's gone. I confronted him about paying us and then he bit me on the nose and disappeared!"

"What?!" Dipper grabbed her by the shoulders and looked her in the eye. "Did he break the skin with his bite?! Pacifica, this is very important! Did he draw any blood?"

"Well... no. It was more of a nip really."

"Which way did he fly off in?!"

Pacifica pointed to the front of the RV. "That way I guess!"

Dipper pulled out his gun and aimed in the direction Pacifica pointed to.

"F***ING JACK!!!"

*PLOOT!**PLOOT!**PLOOT!*

"Dipper, he already left! You're firing at nothing! I don't understand. Why are you so upset?"

"Because Jack just gave you a magical flu!"

"What, but why would he do that?"

"Because I know how to cure it! Good thing the lab is a few states away, we're going to need the time to try and nurse you back to health. I'm going to have to give you my undivided attention just to address your symptoms as they appear!"

Pacifica sighed and started to rub her arms. She was starting to feel cold now.

'That dick.'

"I'm sorry, Pacifica. This is going to rough ride for you."

"Sweetheart!"

"What?"

"Sweetheart! From now on you call me 'Sweetheart'. It's my nickname and I miss it!"

Dipper blushed and cleared his throat. "Okay then, ahem, Sweetheart."

Pacifica sneezed and a pair of icicles hung from her nostrils. "Huh?!"

"Oh dear," Dipper put his arm around her and lead her to the RV. "It's already started. Come on, let's get you to bed!"

Omake

(A/N: This omake is to be imagined with same tune as Grunkle Stan's Cash Money end credits Easter egg. Please keep that in mind.)

Jack's in Japan!

Jack flew the air above a Japanese harbor.

Jack's trip!

Jack threw a snowball at a Japanese business man who was reading a paper.

Taking in the local flavor!

He looked at the signs in the fish market and started to get an idea.

Stealing books...

He turned invisible and stole a English to Japanese translator book from a tourist.

From tourist smucks!

When the tourist started to look for his book, Jack dropped two large snowballs on top of him. The tourists head and arms stuck out of the smaller second one making him look like a snowman.

Jack's trip!

Jack phased in to a museum about ancient folklore.

Need to learn where to find Snow Women!

Jack flew out with a book about Mount Fuji.

Write down their location with a Godzilla pen!

Jack used both books to write down some directions for himself using a novelty Godzilla pen from the gift shop.

Jack's trip!

Jack flew in the direction of Mount Fuji over some Japanese onlookers.

Actually find the honeys!

Inside a cave Jack found exactly three Japanese women, who were as pale and blue as he was.

They all want to be his wife!

The snow women surrounded Jack on three sides giving flirtatious looks. They already had bridal bouquets made of snow.

Can't be tied down, need to run for his bachelor life!

Jack flew out of the cave in a blind panic.

Should've thought this through more!

Jack looked down at the snowy ground and saw the snow women were still chasing after him.

This trip was a mistake!

Jack was in a forest now but he was constantly looking over his shoulder nervously.

What?!

Chapter Text

Pacifica Northwest was feeling terrible. Her eyes were puffy, her skin was pale, and nose was ice blue. Instead of being in her circular bed at the end of the RV, she was laying down in Dipper's fold out bed wearing a pink bathrobe and a baby blue top and bottom pajamas underneath. She was laying here so she would have a much better angle for the television, which Dipper had set up for her on a table in the kitchen nook. Crumbled up tissue papers surrounded the bed, they were blue and had a layer of frost over them.

Despite all this she still pulled out a book with a golden llama on it, this was of course her diary. She had decided that it was time yet again for another entry so turned to a fresh page. Given her illness, Pacifica decided that dictating her entry would help her write it.

"Dear Diary, it has been two weeks since Jack Frost has given me the quote unquote 'Magical Flu'. It has not been any fun for me since the symptoms seem to get stranger and stranger, it turns out snot-icicles were just the tip of the iceberg. The majority of it doesn't even sound physically possible. I mean just look at couple of days ago..."

Flashback

Pacifica looked at herself in the mirror, her eyes narrowing in suspicion.

"Did I put on blue lipstick at some point?" she asked herself.

"What was that?"

Dipper had called from the other side of the wall where the kitchen nook was located. He was busy making her a pancake breakfast, determined to prove pancakes can be made without a monstrocity being born.

"My lips have turned blue, it's weird!"

"Oh! Hang on just a second, I'll be right there."

A moment later Dipper came in to inspect her situation. He gave her a humorous grin when he finished analyzing her color.

"This is perfectly natural, it just means your cold. All you have to do is get back in to bed and bundle up."

"But I don't feel cold."

"It's all a part of the magical flu, you can be cold but numb to the sensation of it itself."

"Dipper, that sounds ridiculous! I know it's 'magical' and everything but don't you think that's laying it on a bit thick?"

"Oh you think so? Then just tilt your head to the side and I'll prove it."

She let him him tip her head at an angle, he got plastic cup from a dispenser, tapped the other side of her head and then ice fell out of her ear and in to the cup.

He handed the cup to her and left the room. "Don't use those by the way."

"Ear ice?? Seriously? How weird is that?"

"Oh it's going to get weirder Sweetheart. Now get in to bed while I find you another blanket."

End Flashback

"Dipper, of course, has been a complete prince to me during this whole ordeal. Catering to my every need, sometimes even before I know I need it. Just proves how impressive he is to juggle both taking care of me and transporting us to this 'lab' he keeps talking about. According to him it's located in some place that's a meeting point between the three states of Nebraska, Kansas, and Missouri. I know it sounds pretty confusing but he told me not to think too much about it so I haven't. If I need anything all I have to do is call for him."

As she finished writing she reached in to her tissue box on the bed only to find it empty. She put her book away and laid back down, resting her head on her pillow.

"Dipper!!!" she called. "I need more tissues!!!"

The door to outside opened and Dipper ran in with a couple of boxes of tissues.

"Got'em right here Sweetheart."

Dipper placed them down next to Pacifica and she smiled. It was a simple act but it was well appreciated.

"Thank you."

"Never a problem, Sweetheart. Let's see how you're doing huh?"

He put a hand on her forehead and nodded knowingly. "Uh-huh. Just as I thought, your fever is kicking it in to high gear to try and fight off your magical flu. I'll be right back."

Dipper went in to the bathroom and came out with a damp towel. "Here we are." He placed it on her forehead. "That feel any better?"

"Actually yes. That does feel really nice."

"Well good, because from here on out it's going to get a little rougher."

"Rougher how?"

"Well for starters there's the ice warts."

"ICE WARTS?!"

Pacifica shot up to a sitting position, her right eye was starting to twitch.

"Don't worry, I'll take care of them before they become a problem. I already got the welding mask for myself and the belt sander for your tootsies."

"What?!" Pacifica was going to ask Dipper to elaborate when her head started to bob back and forth. "Whoa! What's happening?"

"Pacifica? What's going on?! Speak to me!"

"My head just started spinning!"

"Oh dear, the other symptoms are starting too! Okay back down in to the bed." Dipper gently pushed her back down to bed. "The important thing now is for you to stay calm."

"What are the rest of these symptoms anyways? I mean some of them have been already been pretty weird."

Dipper laughed at the memory of some of them. "Don't worry, these are the normal ones but they are going to be pretty rough. These are the ones you will have to simply ride out."

"Heh. Okay 'Dr. Dipper' then tell me, what are the rest of these symptoms?"

"Ha! Me as a Doctor, that's a funny idea." He shook his head humorously at the idea.

Pacifica blinked and then she saw the strangest thing yet. Dipper's outfit was replaced with a doctor's lab coat, what was stranger was Dipper didn't even seem to notice.

The coat would have been strange enough but he had all the trimmings to go along with it. Glasses, a different tie, and even a doctor's stethoscope.

"You're going to experience dizziness, delusions, hallucinations, and finally random sleeping episodes." Pacifica was still convinced that her feelings for Dipper only went as far as a crush, with this in mind she did admit to herself she liked how Dipper looked in this outfit.

Pacifica blushed and smiled at Dipper. "Whatever you say, Doctor."

"Huh? What did you call me?"

Without even blinking Dipper was back to normal, looking as if nothing had ever happened. This time she blushed out of embarrassment.

"I was asking about those 'hallucinations'! Please elaborate on those!"

"Well you may seem some strange stuff but the good news is that they shouldn't last long! If I were you though, I'd be more concerned with the random sleeping episodes you'll be experiencing."

"Yeah, when you say 'random sleeping episodes' exactly what do you..."

Pacifica's sentence was cut off as she suddenly fell asleep and wasted no time sawing logs. "ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!"

"Huh. Has she always been a snorer?" Dipper pondered. "I wonder why I've never noticed before, oh well. Kind of cute..."

Pacifica opened her eyes, she hadn't even been aware that she had fallen asleep. It came across to her as odd but in her defense Dipper did warn her they were probably going to happen.

"Hmm... My skin feels clammy. I guess it's time for a shower."

In the space that lied between the fold out bed and her private circular bed was a door which lead to the bathroom. She got herself up and moved herself to the door when suddenly it opened up all by itself revealing Dipper, wearing nothing but a towel.

"OH MY GOODNESS!!!"

She covered her eyes immediately. "Dipper, I am so sorry!! I mean I know we live together and everything so this was bound to happen at some point... but you're usually so careful and..."

"Why are you looking away? We've already seen each other naked."

Pacifica slowly lowered her hands. "I guess that is true but... hey wait a second! You didn't have a six pack back then!!"

"Are you...'sure'? Did you 'check' last time?"

Pacifica blushed even more furiously (if that was physically possible). "Of course I didn'-GO PUT SOME PANTS ON!!!"

"Is that what..." He moved in closer and made her lower her hands so he could look her in the eyes. "You really want?"

"I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I..."

Then, just when she thought she couldn't take it anymore, she sat up in bed. She looked around, the bathroom door was open but there was no sign that Dipper ever taken that shower.

"A DREAM?! Are you serious?! I got embarrassed for NOTHING?!"

"Something wrong, Darling?" Dipper called.

"No I was just..." Pacifica got out of bed and paused in thought. It sounded like Dipper had called from the driver's seat but his choice of nicknames was odd. "Did you just call me 'Darling'?"

Dipper didn't answer right away so Pacifica decided to go talk to him face to face. She walked towards the front but something seemed wrong. The walk was taking much longer than it should, she didn't remember the RV being this long. In fact it was starting to remind her of one of the hallways in her old mansion.

When Pacifica was just starting to think about investigating this peculiarity, this was when Dipper dashed out in front of her from seemingly nowhere and dipped her. No, he literally dipped her, he swept her off her feet and held her in his arms. There was also a rose in his mouth but he acted like he didn't even notice.

"D-D-D-Dipper!! What do you think you're doing?!"

"What I am doing... is something that we both want. Can you look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want this?"

Pacifica's eyes darted around frantically in every direction except for Dipper's face as she tried to rationalize the situation. No matter what she tried though, her mind was in dizzy panic.

"I-I-I-I-I..."

"You, you, you... You want to see my six pack again?"

"I... Hey wait a second! How do you know about..."

In mid-sentence Pacifica was cut off as she opened her eyes in bed yet again. "Oh are you KIDDING ME?! A dream within a dream?! I HATE THOSE!!! This is probably just another dream too! Well I'm not falling for it this time!! If I'm going to be trapped in these crazy dreams then I might as well enjoy myself!!"

She climbed out of bed but as soon her foot hit the floor the room started to spin but a quick shaking of her head put that to an end.

"Now what should I... Oh wait! I know! Oh Dipper!♪" she called.

The door next to the fold out bed opened and Dipper came in.

"Pacifica? What are you doing out of bed?"

"Never mind that! What were YOU doing outside?"

"Oh I was just out gathering ingredients for your treatment and..."

"Forget it! Doesn't matter!" Pacifica interjected. "What does matter though..."

Pacifica lifted up Dipper's shirt only to see a normal stomach underneath. "Shoot! No six pack this time."

Dipper blushed furiously as he pushed his shirt down and out of Pacifica's grasp. "What do you think you're doing?!"

"Oh relax Dipper... you naught boy. It's not like any of this is actually real."

"What do you mean?"

"It's all a dream!"

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah, or more specifically a dream within a dream. In reality I'm probably still in bed sleeping with probably a little bit of drool escaping from my mouth."

"Um Pacifica, I don't know how to tell you this but... you're not dreaming. Like at all. This is reality right now. See?"

Dipper gave her face a little pinch making her jump in surprise. "Ow! Oh. Oooooooh. I see..."

It was her turn to blush now. She avoided looking at him in the face but spoke in a very quiet voice. "Um Dipper?"

"Yes Pacifica?"

"I kind of... 'need' this to just be a dream within a dream. Like, right now!"

"Well I'm sorry Sweetheart but I can't bend the laws of reality just so you can avoid some embarrassment."

Perhaps it was the fever or maybe her magical flu but Pacifica refused to believe Dipper didn't have a way out for her in this situation.

"Please Dipper?"

"Oh no, not the doe eyes! Pacifica, turn it off. Turn the doe eyes off!"

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Turn my eyes off? What?! Dipper, you're talking crazy!"

"Listen Dream Girl, if I was you I wouldn't be going around accusing anyone of crazy talk. Now let's get you to bed."

"And then when I wake up this whole thing will turn out to just be a dream within a dream? Right? Right?"

"Sigh. You know what? Sure! Fine! Whatever it takes to get you more bed rest!"

Later...

Dipper flipped his welder mask down and started to use the power sander on the bottom of Pacifica's feet. It was around this time when Pacifica woke up. She jumped a little at the sight of Dipper's actions. "Dipper!"

He stopped sanding and lifted up his welder's mask to give Pacifica a friendly smile. "Hey Sleepy Head!"

"What do you think you're doing?!"

"Sweetheart, I know you've been asleep for nine hours but I did tell you..."

"NINE HOURS?! Feels like I was asleep for only two, maybe three tops."

"That's how rested you feel. Now Sweetheart I don't mean to be rude but I really shouldn't be stopping right now. These ice warts are persistent and if I don't get'em all then they are just going to pop up all over again."

"Well what am I supposed to do during this?"

"Just sit back and enjoy. Trust me, you're going to like this!"

He smirked at her before dropping the mask back down.

*BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!*

Pacifica was about to question Dipper further when the actual sensation of what he was doing sunk in. It felt good, like a muscle massage for the bottom of her feet but times a hundred. Suddenly questioning Dipper on his actions didn't seem so smart. A wavy smile of relief passed over her as she leaned back and let Dipper continue.

Just as she was getting in to it though Dipper stopped. "Hey! What's the deal?!"

"Done."

"What?"

"Finished them off. You woke up on my tale end of the job. There's no more."

"Oh... I see." Pacifica sighed in disappointment before deciding to buck herself up. "How did you learn how to treat all this stuff?"

"Well when me and Mabel were kids, Jack Frost wasn't ready to say goodbye to us goofy kids yet so he gave Mabel the magical flu and walked me through on how to treat it."

"That dick!"

"Yup. Then Mabel started getting over her boy crazy phase."

"With Jack Frost, I can't say I blame her. I thought for sure you learned this stuff from your second Grunkle, the one who complained about grammar. The two of you seemed to be real close."

"Oh..." Dipper's face sunk. "Right. I... I actually haven't spoken with my Great Uncle Ford in years."

"What?! Why?"

"We... sort of had a fight."

"You and him? I find it kind of hard to believe."

"I don't really don't like to talk about it."

"Alright, if you don't want to talk about it I won't press you. If you ever need an ear though I'll be here for you."

Dipper smiled and put his mask on the ground. "Alright, I need to get going now."

"You're leaving me?"

"Hopefully not for too long. I just need to run out and buy some more soup for you."

"Wait, before you go... do you think you could open a window for me? It's kind of stuffy in here."

Dipper ran over to the window in the kitchen nook dressed as a super hero and opened it. Yes, Pacifica's latest hallucination had Dipper dressed as a super hero. Complete with a cape and tights which showed off a six pack which, of course, Pacifica knew did not actually exist. Dipper had opened it exactly the right amount Pacifica had wanted. Halfway opened promised that the window wouldn't let things get too stuffy while at the same time not letting it get too drafty.

"Thank you, Dipper. You opened it the perfect amount."

Dipper placed his fists on his hips in a stereotypical superhero pose. "It was not a problem! I was happy to do it!"

Pacifica stared at Dipper and his tights silently for a moment but a quick chirp from a bird outside brought her back down to Earth.

"I'll turn the television on for you." Dipper turned the knob on the television and then went back to his heroic pose. "Now if you excuse me," he flew to the door. "I need to go and acquire an actual six pack."

"What did you just say?"

Then as if it never happened Dipper was back to normal; only now he was more than halfway out the door. "I said 'I'll be right back'! Take it easy and enjoy the television!"

"Wait!! Why don't you just drive to the store?"

"Because now that your ice warts are gone you'll get motion sickness a lot easier. Just sight tight, bundle up if you feel you need to, and watch the show."

With Dipper out the door Pacifica turned to the tv. "He's sweet but I don't need to watch this. It's not even a colored tv! I... Hey, I love this show.

The suburb of Abnerdale, this was where their travels had currently taken him. While technically a city there was a certain Gravity Falls vibe in the air which Dipper couldn't quite describe. Dipper knew he couldn't afford to be gone from Pacifica for too long so he asked the locals where he could find a store which sold soup. They directed him to a multi-purpose store where one could find a little bit of everything. Standing in front of it, Dipper smiled and tipped his hat at the giant name on top of the building. It was called the Thrifst Store, the unnecessary S made Dipper feel nostalgic for Gravity Falls.

"I'm starting to like this place already!!"

Inside the store the isles were stacked with miscellaneous items, it was a literal mishmosh of things which had absolutely nothing to do with each other. "This could take a while."

After a little bit of looking Dipper found a cashier. "Excuse me, I need to buy some soup. Do you know where I could find some?"

"Well gee sir, if we have any soup left I'd have to say it it would be towards the right end of the store. On the wall."

"Okay thanks."

The further in to the store Dipper went the more random the items became. "This place is like an indoor yard sale... I should tell Soos about this place, he'd love it!"

Dipper's smile disappeared when he saw the items start to go from knickknacks and were starting to replaced with coats.

"Well this doesn't bode well."

Dipper thought about going back and asking for help from a clerk but decided to take a chance instead.

The ringtone of Taking Over Midnight sang out from one of his coat pockets bringing his search to a screeching halt.

"Where is it?" Dipper asked as he tried to fish his phone out.

Finally finding the correct pocket he pulled it out and answered it.

"Hey, Mabel. What's up?"

He listened to his sister's short greeting as he started walking down the isle.

"I can't right now, I'm buying soup!"

A search which was starting to seem fruitless as there was nothing so far in his search except for coats, pants, and shirts.

"...Well I can't find it....I can't find it, there's only clothes... It means there's ONLY clothes... Alright!! You don't have to shout at me!"

He loved his sister but there were times when he still didn't get along with her like any sibling. He walked down in to another isle but it didn't look like there was much of a difference.

"There's more clothes... There's just more clothes-Oh wait a second! Here's the soup! Last one too, I guess I lucked out!"

The soup can was on the shelf just left to Dipper's head. Dipper grabbed it and checked the expiration date. "Good, it expires months from now. So what's up, Mabel?"

Dipper listened to his sister's problem and then added in his two cents. "Just take it from her... It's Grenda, I'm sure she'll understand... Just tell her she's not allowed to drink her shots at work!"

Dipper started to walk to the cash register as he continue his conversation with his twin. "No Mabel, I'm taking care of Pacifica. She's sick... Mabel! Not in my ear!! Seriously, you need to out grow that stupid fangirl scream of yours! ... Uh-huh. You too... Oh no, I just left her in the RV watching television. I'm sure she's fine..."

Meanwhile in the RV...

Pacifica sat on the fold out couch eating a bowl of microwave popcorn watching her show. It was actually a gamble on if Pacifica could trust herself to make such an easy snack but it had paid off.

"And now we return to our anniversary special crossover: As the Duchess Approves... Of Ducktective."

"I'm sorry mother... I may be a woman, and I may be a duchess, but I am also in love with Ducktective!"

"But Sweetie, he's duck!!"

"Quack!"

"Yes!!" Pacifica grabbed a tissue as she continued to sob. "This is so much like my life... In a way... And I'm not really in love with him, it's just a crush... And Dipper's not a duck, that's kind of an important one. Wait! Is this a real show or just another fever dream? I guess I'll figure it out next commercial break."

Back with Dipper...

After paying for his can of soup Dipper left the store but he was still continuing his conversation with Mabel.

"Yeah, she has a magical flu. Jack Frost gave it to her, called it his way of 'paying' us... Yes, he is a dick. This Abnerdale place seems nice, kind of reminds me of Gravity Falls but busier and with less monsters... Yeah, I miss it too. Listen, I'd love to chat more with you Mabel but I can't keep Pacifica waiting. Bye."

Dipper hung up his phone and continued on his way. He took more notes on the town as he walked; all the stores seemed to be privately owned at least in some sense. The people themselves seemed nice enough although it did look like they were often in a hurry. Another thing which separated it from Gravity Falls however was that there wasn't anything odd going on underneath, there was no sinister undertone, no monsters, nothing REALLY weird going on. Places like this was not something that was out of the ordinary for Dipper, as far as he could tell... these kind folks just happened to luck out. It seemed almost too good to be true.

He was greeted with Abnerdale's only true problem as he turned around a corner, crime. A mugger jumped out in front of Dipper from behind a tree, with a gun in his pocket aimed at Dipper.

"Alright pal, hand over your wallet. Nice and quiet like. Hey! Don't you roll your eyes at me! I'm seri..."

*PLOOT!*

"Well no place is perfect." Dipper shrugged.

Dipper opened the door to the RV and headed straight for the kitchen nook, he knew they needed to gain more ground on their journey to the lab but making this soup for Pacifica took priority. As he moved past the fold out couch bed he saw Pacifica snoring peacefully with an empty bowl of popcorn under her arm. Dipper smiled and turned off the television, then he turned to kitchen nook and started to make the soup. Can opened, pot boiling, he started to work on the chicken noodle soup.

He was more than halfway done when he heard a weird noise, it sounded almost like a hiccup. He looked behind him and there stood Pacifica, well 'stood' was used in a loose term here. She was swaying back and forth but here eyes were glued on Dipper.

"Pacifica? You should really be laying down right now."

"Now you *hrk* listen to me, Dipper *hic* Pines! I have something to *wheeze* say, and you had better listen to me!"

"Um... Okay. I think your deliriousness is starting to set in but go ahead."

"I've *hic* had a lot of time *hrk* think about and this, and I've decided... um... What was it I decided? Oh yeah! *hrk* You!! No more almost-dying!!"

"'Almost-dying'? What the crap is 'almost-dying'?"

"You know!! It's that thing... you know, the thing! It's that thing that only YOU do! *hic* And quite frankly I've had enough mister!!"

Dipper darted with concern his eyes between the soup he was making and Pacifica. "Sweetheart, I honestly don't know what you're talking about. Explain, please."

"It's that thing you do *hic* when it looks like you're almost certainly *hrk* about to die or something and then *wheeze* you turn out to be perfectly fine! *hrk* Well I've had enough! My heart just can't take it!! *hic* So no more almost-dying!"

Dipper did his best to take Pacifica to take her seriously but her angry pout was too adorable to him. He choked back a laugh and nodded at her. "Okay Pacifica. You win, no more almost-dying. I promise."

"Good! Now I'm going back to bed before I..." *THUD!* "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!"

"Oh dear... the soup can wait."

He picked her up and carried her bridal style back to the bed. As soon as placed her down though her eyes shot open awake.

"How long was I out for this time?"

"Three seconds, which is good. The soup is just about ready and you need to eat."

"*hrk* Okay..."

As Dipper got the soup ready, Pacifica started to feel like the room was spinning. A quick head shake however brought her back down to Earth.

"Now you seem going in to your deliriousness stage which is good because you begin at the peak of it. You're more then halfway home so just try to hang in there Sweetheart."

"Well at least the *hic* hallucinations have..." As Dipper knelt down to spoon feed her the soup, she blinked and he turned in to a knight in shining armor. "Never mind."

"My princess..."

"Oh boy..."

"You need your strength, so I implore you to eat!"

"Okay, but only because armor *hrk* doesn't seem to be a bad look for you."

She blinked and Dipper had changed back to normal.

"What did you just say?"

Pacifica sighed, rolled her eyes, and ate her spoonful of soup.

"Nom!"

A few weeks later...

Pacifica sat up in bed with a rather large smile on her face. Her skin was no longer pale but there was a certain redness to her face which indicated she wasn't quite fully recovered just yet. Her nose was no longer blue but her cheeks had puffed up a little bit. She pulled out her diary from underneath her pillow and began to write in it once again with dictation.

"Dear Diary, I'm still on the path of recovery but Dipper says I'm almost fully recovered. Yet I still suffer from the random sleeping episodes, and my deliriousness is 'almost' gone (according to Dipper), it comes and goes. The thing I'm really thankful for though is that the hallucinations have finally stopped. Which is good because those things were getting really embarrassing! I can also speak normal again which is a blessing in of itself. Dipper says we should be reaching the lab today but I'm still too sick to actually go with him. It sucks but I understand. I've also sort of been 'sleep walking' during some of my random sleeping episodes. I'm told I didn't do anything too bad except for... ahem... walking in on Dipper in the bathroom."

Flashback

Dipper was shaving in front of the bathroom mirror quietly singing a familiar song.

"Disco girl, coming through that girl is..."

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

"Pacifica??"

In the bathroom doorway stood Pacifica, her head hung over forward and her body swaying back and forth. She walked in, her upper body flailing about in every direction and then stopped when she was in front of Dipper. The man himself leaned back from the woman, unsure of what to expect from the situation.

"This never happened with Mabel."

Pacifica's eyes slowly started to flutter open. "Huh? What's going on? Why am I in the bathroom? Dipper, explain."

He put down his razor and started to lead her back to the fold out bed. "Well looks like our resident sleepy head is a bit of a sleepwalker."

End Flashback

"He's been the perfect gentleman about taking care of me though. Having your crush take care of you is pretty cushy as it turns out. Whoops! Here comes Dipper, talk to you later."

Pacifica put her diary under her pillow and folded her hands over her stomach innocently.

"Hello Pacifica, had another good diary entry?"

"You always have to know everything don't you, Mr. Detective?"

"I don't know everything. Like for example: Do you want more chicken noodle soup for lunch or would you like something else?"

Pacifica smiled. "You're sweet."

"Well in any case we're finally here, but like I said before..."

"I can't come because I'm still technically sick. I understand."

"Thanks for understanding Sweetheart. I'll try not to be too long. Take it easy, but if you really feel like you need to stretch your legs I have a table set up for you outside for... whatever you like, sewing, picnic, your choice."

"Thanks but I think I'm just going to sit in bed and watch my crossover soap... which may or may not exist. Either way, I'll be here."

"Okay, see you soon Sweetheart."

Omake

Pacifica had made herself another bowl of microwave popcorn and was sitting in bed with her pink robe on watching her soap opera yet again. It was shaping up to be another quiet session when suddenly Lenny materialized himself in to the room.

Pacifica barely cared about Lenny's presence. Lenny, of course, wasn't going to be satisfied with such an indifferent treatment. He was going to speak up when his eye got a hold of Pacifica's show.

"What'cha watching?"

"As The Duchess Approves of Ducktective. Which turns out is NOT a fever dream show."

"Oh... Can I watch too?"

"Fine, but you have to be quiet. I've had a lot of random sleeping episodes and I need to catch up."

"Okay."

"Excuse me," a character on the show announced himself. "Would anyone mind if I gave my opinion on this murder?"

"Count Lionel?" Pacifica raised an eyebrow.

"I thought they shot him at the chapel." Lenny commented.

"I thought we shot you at the chapel, you!"

"THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!!!" Lenny floated towards the ceiling as he shouted his frustration. "A PLOT TWIST!!! MY ONE WEAKNESS!!!"

"LENNY!!!" shouted Pacifica. "If you want to scream and shout then you can go bother Dipper, but if you want to watch this show with me then you have to sit down and be quiet!!"

Lenny solemnly floated back down and quietly rested on the floor.

"I'll be good..." he sniveled.

Chapter Text

Stepping outside, Dipper couldn't help but smile at the laboratory's secret location. To him it was the most beautiful thing in the world... a tourist trap. This one was about a rock shaped like a ufo, but as far as tourist traps go this one was considered a failure. There was barely anybody here and hardly anyone visited which was why it was a perfect cover. He walked over to the gift shop. The sign that hung in the door window read 'Closed' but Dipper ignored it, he pulled out his President Key and unlocked it. Dipper walked inside and walked over to an isle shelf and picked up a bobble head. This wasn't a normal bobble head however, this was a ten year old Mr. Mystery bobble head.

Dipper smirked as he held the bobble head in his hand. It was always good to see his Grunkle Stan again, even if it was as a fake plastic knock off.

He pulled the string on the fez and the bobble head's nose blinked twice. The isle itself moved back and revealed a hidden stair case leading down.

Heading down he entered a room with a glass like floor. He took out a quarter and flipped it into the air, red dots covered the coin as it descended to the ground. It rolled on the floor until it was suddenly peppered in laser fire. By the time it had ceased there was only a small bit of the quarter left. He waited exactly ten seconds and then walked to the opposite side of the room, what looked like just another wall was really a hologram. He walked right through it causing it to shimmer.

The next room was a little less complicated, there was a giant circular bank vault door and a electronic number pad on the wall next to it. He walked over to it and was about to punch in the numbers when it occurred to him he had once again forgotten the pass code.

"Dang it!! Every single time... you'd think I'd have learn to write it down by now!"

He dug out his President's Key again and held it up to the lock. A bunch of numbers scattered about the screen until a clicking sound was heard. The words 'PASS CODE ACCEPTED' flashed by and Dipper put away his President's Key.

Instead of opening out like a steel vault door was supposed to do, it slid upwards.

When he first walked in the room looked completely empty, but Dipper knew better. A couple steps in and the whole room changed, there was scientific equipment everywhere but not a lot of people. It resembled Ford's old secret study in a way but anything which was considered steampunk was replaced with nearly futuristic equivalents. The space was vast with plenty of room for future equipment while some skinny agents with black suits bustled about with clipboards and their ear pieces on. The floor was made of a what could be believed to be brass while the walls had a possible copper covering. These were what the metals resembled but were probably much complicated since Stanford Pines was a consultant for it's construction. It wasn't far in to the facility that Dipper ran in to none other than Larry King's disembodied floating head. Yes, the decapitated Larry King head from the Mystery Shack was now on a space age device right out of the Jetsons, it allowed him float and fly about as he pleased.

"Dipper Pines, you're back. And you have a pink dot in your hat. Tell us about that."

"Hey Larry King, the lab asked me to come in. How's the device?"

"It's simply wonderful! I can get around magnificently now but nobody seems to want to feed me. Larry King's disembodied flying floating head wants num nums."

"Larry, you don't have a stomach; shoot I'm not even convinced you have a throat, exactly what would eating 'do' for you?"

"I just simply enjoy the act."

"Well it's nice to see you're at least keeping busy since leaving the Mystery Shack."

"It is not my fault if I turned out to be a 'little too real' for the kiddies."

"Of course not."

"At least here, my two cents is appreciated."

"Alright, I gotta get going now."

"Thanks for stopping by."

Larry King flew off but it wouldn't be long before Dipper would encounter another familiar face from Gravity Falls.

"Oh hey Dipper."

"Chubby Z! Good to see you! Where's the rest of your brothers?"

All of Several Times eventually came to work for the US government for a number of reasons. 1.) They may have been clones but they were still human. They couldn't be expected to live in the forest forever. 2.) As 1 told us they are clones. They didn't really 'fit' in to normal society especially when they need explanations for simple things like tape dispensers. 3.) They were from Gravity Falls so not only were they used to working with weird stuff, they also weren't afraid to do any menial grunt work involved with it. 4.) No matter how much time went by they didn't age, they still looked like they did when Dipper met them 10 years ago. Honestly, it was a little concerning. 5.) And this one still tends to throw Dipper for a loop: They all had an IQ of over 140.

'Had to be some type of computer error.' Dipper thought looking back.

"They're helping me feed Tammy." Chubby Z explained, bringing Dipper back down to Earth. "Which reminds me, you haven't seen a goat running around here have you?"

"Certainly not but I'll keep my eyes open for one. How is Tammy by the way?"

"Hungry! Who knew taking care of a T-Rex would be such a chore?"

"Yeah well, we couldn't very well put her back in to the sap. Not humane and all that crap."

"Deep Chris is supposed to be me helping me out but that dawg has gotten straight up lazy on me G!"

"Well I'll keep an eye out for him too."

"Did you know your hat has a pink dot on it?"

"Sigh. Yes. I did."

Dipper tipped his hat to him and continued on his way. Over at a desk facing the wall were the actual government agents from his childhood.

"Security at the jail under Fort Knox is holding but many of our G-Men have stated that there is a feeling of tension in the air."

"I blame those creepy little lightning goblin things. Their faces spell out trouble every time just one of them grins."

"I suppose wouldn't hurt to double the guard, maybe send in some more men. We'll do the paperwork for it."

"The boring paperwork."

Dipper rolled his eyes and continued on his way mumbling something about how 'somethings never change'.

At the opposite end of the room were the some of the brightest scientists the lab had to offer.

"Dippers 3 and 4! Good to see you kids again!"

3 and 4 was what they were called because these were the numbers which adorned their hats separately. What made them unique though was that each of them looked exactly like Dipper from when he was twelve years old.

"Dipper Classic! Thanks for coming in man!"

"We were wondering when you'd get here."

"Sorry, I get tripped up by Jack Frost."

"That dick!" 3 and 4 said in unison.

"I know, I know. It's nice to see you two are as short as ever though."

"Hey, it's not our fault paper doesn't age and mature like people." 3 snapped.

"I'm just glad we didn't yellow like some paper does. Ughh!" 4 shuttered.

"Did you know your hat has a pink dot on it?" 3 asked.

"Never mind that. So tell me Dippers," Dipper placed his hands on both of their shoulders in a brotherly way. "What's so important you needed to tell me about it in person?"

"Well what we have to tell you is going to have to wait. Believe it or not, you have a phone call." 3 informed.

"What?"

"That's what I said!" 4 added handing Dipper a cell phone from under his hat. "How many people did you give this number out to?"

"Not many." Dipper answered. He took the phone and brought it to his ear. "Hello?... Oh! It's you.... whoa! Whoa! Back up! Start at the beginning..."

Meanwhile in the RV...

Pacifica laid down in bed, staring up in to the ceiling. Her fever wasn't quite as licked as Dipper had thought, she had a killer headache. This was why she turned off the television, it wasn't helping so she figured she would try to get some sleep in. That was the plan, but her pounding headache was keeping her up.

"I miss Dipper!!" she announced loudly to herself.

She was about to close her eyes and try to drift in to sleep again when her eyes shot wide open. "Oh my God, I miss Dipper!"

This wasn't just a normal 'I-miss-having-him-around' type of missing a person, this was a 'I-miss-everything-about-this-person-and-why-aren't-they-here-right-now?!' kind of longing. The thought of the romantic implications alone were making her face go redder and redder.

"A-heh...HEH HEH! AHA HA HA!! Not like that MEANS anything!! It's still just a crush, they come and go without rhyme or reason!!"

Realizing she was literally talking to herself, she decided to get out of bed and head outside for some fresh air.

"I know what I need to do! I'll just keep myself busy to keep my mind off of hi-I mean to help the time go by!"

Stepping outside she found the table Dipper had mentioned. And like he had said her sewing machine was already set up and waiting for her. She smiled at the sight, Dipper had even gone the extra mile and had her materials out too. 'He's so sweet!'

"All I really need to do is throw myself in to my work. Create something."

She sat down and got right to work.

"Yes, this is all I really need. Something simple and easy to take my mind off my troubles."

She hummed to herself as she continued to work. Soon there was nothing in her world but the sewing machine, her materials, and herself.

"And finished. Now let's marvel at whatever masterpiece I created!"

She pulled her creation to the edge of the table to inspect it better. "What the...?"

In front of her was a tiny little plush Dipper doll, complete with a hat and trench coat. Which was impressive since she didn't have any brown fabric. She had created them without even knowing, it happened sometimes when she was 'in the zone' ; but what had she created them with? A mental picture flashed in her mind of the inside of her purse...which was brown... and next to the table...

She looked at her hands, then back at the machine, then back at her hands again.

"...traitors..."

She got up and headed back inside only to hurry back and grab the Dipper doll.

"What Dipper doesn't know won't hurt him."

"Okay, you're lucky you're not too far away. I'll be there as soon as I can. Till then hang tight and don't do anything reckless!!"

"So? Who was it?"

"Well 3, it was Yorg."

"Yorg?" asked 4. "Like the viking who gave you that battle axe you hang in your RV?"

"Yeah, it was him. He's in jail."

"What?!" shouted 3.

"How? Why??" asked 4.

"Apparently he hospitalized two street gangs."

"HOW?!" 3 and 4 shouted in unison.

"From the sounds of it, he walked right in to the middle of their armed turf war and decided to have some 'fun'."

"..."

"..."

"Which is really disappointing since he PROMISED me he wouldn't hurt anyone. I am going to give him such an ear full when I bail him out!"

"But he hospitalized them?" asked 3. "Not the other way around?!"

"This is what happens when you take an ancient viking, a warrior, a conqueror, and introduce him to modern warfare!"

"Well ignoring the shocking implications of this, I say it's time to get down to brass tacks. Want us to tell you what's really happening? Why WE brought you in?"

"Yes! Please."

"For a while now we've been receiving some weird signals coming from New York."

"Show me!" Dipper ordered.

"Certainly, if you would just follow us to the console..."

The little 'mini-hims' lead him to a copper constructed console with a radar screen in the center. On the screen was a violet blip on the screen but it was fading in and out inconsistently.

"Do you think it could have anything to do with Bill's home dimension? Like maybe it's trying to reopen or something?" Dipper asked.

3 and 4 shook their heads 'no' in unison.

"No. You see we have readings from back then too."

"And they're nothing like this. Look, we printed out a data sheets for you."

3 handed Dipper a beige folder.

"You'll find readings from when Grunkle Stan opened the portal, when Great Uncle Stanford dismantled the portal, when Bill opened the rift, and from when everything got sucked back in to the sky."

4 pulled a data sheet from under his hat and handed that to Dipper as well.

"And these are the readings we took of New York just yesterday. These readings don't match up with each other at all."

"And yet there's a familiar vibe coming from the readings from New York. It's almost like whatever is going in New York is trying to be more like Gravity Falls but it doesn't know how."

"Like it's reaching out to it."

"I've heard enough, bring me all the data you have on Gravity Falls. There's something here we're not seeing!"

Pacifica couldn't believe how much her luck had taken a turn for the worse. It was like her fever was flickering, she was perfectly fine one second and then her fever was back in full swing the next.

"This is ridiculous! Either be sick or not body! Make up your mind, you can't have it both ways!!"

She flung her legs over the side of her bed carelessly and got herself up. Her head swam one minute and then was completely fine the next.

"Wait... why did I want to get up? Food maybe? I'm going to say food."

She wobbled her way to the kitchen nook and opened a cabinet. "No more popcorn? Oh yeah, I ate all the popcorn. I knew that! Why did I bother? This couldn't have been why I wanted to get up! Why did I want to get up?!"

She swayed to the left but quickly caught herself. She balled up her fists and stomped her foot on the ground.

"This is all Dipper's fault! He said I was out of the woods but here I am suffering! And where is he? Nerding it up with some scientists!! Well he can't do that with me-er TO me! Yeah!! I'm going to find him and then I'm going to give him a piece of my-ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!"

Dipper looked back and forth between the papers in his hands.

"This is so frustrating! It feels like the answer is right in front of our faces and we're not seeing it."

3 and 4 were laying down on the ground with a mass of their data sheets spread around them on the floor.

"We've crossed referenced these things with each other nearly a dozen times!" whined 3.

"Maybe we need a fresher scan of Gravity Falls?" offered 4.

"I suppose it couldn't hurt..." Dipper mused.

"THERE YOU ARE!!!" shouted a new voice.

"What the... Pacifica?"

Pacifica, still dressed in nothing but her bathrobe and pjs, walked right over to Dipper. She extended her arm in to a clothesline and hooked her arm around his neck dragging him off. 3 and 4 watched in confusion as this blonde stranger walked off with Dipper by the neck.

For them and any others who just so happened to be watching this odd little scene she offered no further explanation then saying "This belongs to me now."

"Who's that?" 3 asked.

"I don't know. Probably somebody Dipper met AFTER the night we were printed out."

"She's not Wendy, that's for sure."

"You can say that again."

She dragged him in to a corner of the room where she set him in front of her and gave him her most serious look. However, the puffiness of her cheeks had returned thus killing any dread her look would instill.

"Pacifica, what are you doing here? I thought you would still be in the RV! What happened? Did you run out of th..."

"You've got a lot of nerve mister! Just leaving me alone there *hic* all by myself!"

"Did you just hiccup??"

"Yeah I hiccuped!! And you want to know why?! I'm starting to suffer a relapse and you're not back at the RV to take care of me!"

"A relapse? No, if anything it would be more likely the magical flu's last futile attempt at fighting back before dying off."

"Great! Now take me back to the RV and take care of me! I'm too weak to just sit through it by myself."

"Wait, so you're saying you're too weak for that and yet you were still strong enough to drag me across the room?"

She glared at him, clearly annoyed, but once again her puffed up cheeks just made the scene adorably hilarious to Dipper.

"Shut up and take care of me!"

Omake

"Wait Pacifica, how did you even get in here?"

"It wasn't hard. That bobble head was the only thing I recognized in that gift shop."

"But what about the security system?!"

Pacifica cocked her head to the side, squinted her eyes, and gave him a confused look. "There's a security system??"

"...Yes Pacifica!! Like the motion detecting lasers?!"

Flashback

Pacifica was half asleep as she walked in the room with the lasers. She snored loudly as her limbs flailed about in every direction.

The lasers tried to hit her but with her body flailing about in every which way they missed every time.

End Flashback

Dipper felt his eye twitch as Pacifica finished her explanation with a shrug.

"Well what about the pass code?!"

"Well..."

Flashback

Pacifica snored loudly again as this time she fell forward, her face slamming on to the number pad.

As she slid off of it the screen flashed 'ACCEPTED'.

End Flashback

"Well I guess that would explain why you have a number three indented on your cheek."

"...Shut up and take care of me."

Chapter Text

Pacifica ran as fast as she possibly could, which given her current location wasn't as fast as she would like. You see, she wasn't running inside a cave or even in an underground cavern, no, this time she was running in a very narrow space surrounded by wood and insulation. She was running through a crawl space, the in-between-the-walls if you will.

*SCRAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!*

A two legged monster quickly chased after her letting out it's blood curdling cry. It's head was triangular and long, it's nose was pink and rectangular. A long, ringed tail raced out it's back to the ground where it dragged. Circular ears twitched on top of it's head, a hole in the outer rim of the left one. While there was patches of fur were doted throughout it's body it was still covered from head to toe in scales. On the end of each foot was a long hooked retractable claw with only two other toes for company.

It quickly rounded a corner chasing after Pacifica. It's victory was assured as Pacifica had ran herself right in to a dead end. She turned to it and smiled much to it's curiosity. The dead end she had ran herself in to was actually very spacious for a crawl space.

"Well when it rains it pours, and when it pours..."

*RAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!*

"I open up an umbrella!"

From behind her back Pacifica pulled out her umbrella and opened it up. The monster charged throwing it's head forward and opening it's scaly hand poised for grabbing.

*BJORTZT!*

Red beams of light shot out from the umbrella's pointed ends in to the ground. Then the beams spread out to connect with each other in the circular shape of the umbrella. Of course the monster, not knowing what any of this meant, continued it's charge only to smack face first in to the wall. It shook it's head quickly to shake off the pain; back on it's feet it sneered angrily at Pacifica. In a blind rage it attacked Pacifica's walls with everything it had. Pacifica only grinned as she stood and waited patiently for the monster to tire itself out.

*PLOOT!*

The monster was covered in green goop from behind; it struggled frantically on the floor in a futile effort for freedom.

"Glad that's over with. What even is that thing?" Pacifica asked as she put her umbrella away.

"It's called a Ratptor." Dipper explained. He pulled out his journal and flipped through a few of the pages until he found the one he was looking for. "Named for looking like a raptor mixed with rat features. Known for living in narrow and dark spaces which are ideal for it's nesting grounds. Normally it is found in caves but it is not unheard of for it to take up residence in old abandoned houses, preferably ones with lots of fiberglass to make it's nests."

"Fiberglass?! Why?"

"Says here, it helps it's scales in some weird way, working with the weird oil in between it's scales. Another lesson for you here, Pacifica. It never stops being weird!"

"Kind of already figured that one out." she deadpanned. "So are you going to read this thing it's rights or what?"

"Nah. It's just a dumb animal. Come on, let's get it out of here so transport can pick it up. And then we can get you back to bed!"

"Dipper, I told you! I'm feeling better now!" Pacifica snapped.

"Well you still look very pale to me!" Dipper snapped back.

Government officials threw the raptor in the back of a prison transport truck and asked Dipper to sign some papers.

"So," Pacifica started. "If it's 'just a dumb animal' what are you going to do with it?"

"We're going to send it to a remote closed off wild life sanctuary where it will never be able to endanger anyone ever again. One which has lots of tight caves... It should be pretty happy there."

Dipper handed the signed papers to the government official. "Here's your paper work. Now I suggest you get going."

"Sir," he leaned in close and whispered in Dipper's ear. "What about that little girl over there?"

Standing next to Pacifica was a red headed eleven year old with her arm in a cast. There was a baseball cap on top of her head which reminded Dipper of when he would wear a trucker hat back at the Mystery Shack.

"Oh don't mind her! She's our contact! Now get going!"

"Sir! Yes sir!!"

As the truck drove off Dipper and Pacifica turned their attention to the little girl.

"Thanks again, Mister! Nobody believed me when I said there was a monster living inside that house! Everybody thought that I got my arm broken in there because I was just being reckless! I don't know if I can pay you in anything..."

"Don't worry about it squirt!" Dipper cut in. He playfully pulled the cap over the little girl's eyes. "Consider this one on the house. Just don't go taking anymore 'dares' like that alright?"

She lifted her cap up and gave an amused grin. "Heh... Okay."

They waved goodbye to their little client and climbed in to their RV.

"How'd a little girl like that even manage to contact us?" Pacifica asked as she buckled in.

"Couldn't have been easy, but maybe that says something. In order to contact us and survive an encounter with a ratptor with only a broken arm... I think she might be some kind of genius. If we don't watch it she might be gunning for a jobs in ten years. Oh well no time time to dwell on it now, we got a viking to bail out!"

Later...

Pacifica was dressed down to pjs and bathrobe again but she was bustling about instead of laying down in bed like Dipper wanted her to. She had managed to put off the pillow by continuously talking about their last adventure. Dipper, on the other hand, was starting to run out of patience.

"That house was weird! There was almost more space in the crawl space than, like, the actual house. Honestly, they should tear the whole thing down! Fake walls like that should say something."

"Since there was a monster living inside it, I agree! Now get to bed!"

"You're still convinced I'm still sick? After all the bustling around the RV I just did? Oh and outrunning a f***ing monster?!"

"Yes!! Because I don't think you're much different from yesterday and yesterday you didn't even notice the two twelve year old versions of myself I was talking to!"

Pacifica blinked in confusion.

"Those were real? I thought they were just another fever hallucination."

"Yes they are very much real. 3 and 4 are their nicknames but they have assigned actual names to themselves. 3 is Tracey and 4 is Quattro."

"Oh... Why do they look like you from ten years ago?"

"I'll tell you some other time. For now, bed!"

She climbed in to her own bed and jostled herself under the covers. "There! I'm in bed! Happy now?!"

"Ecstatic." Dipper said dryly.

Dipper turned on the television for her but there was only static.

"That's weird..." Dipper took a look out the window. "There's no storm outside. We should be at least able to get some kind of picture. Pacifica, you stay here, I'm going to go up to the roof and take a look at our receiving antennae."

"Be careful."

Dipper playfully rolled his eyes. "What's the worst that can happen?"

Dipper had managed to park the RV next to a forest, not his first choice (especially since the trees were dead for some reason) but he didn't have a lot of options. The nearest gas station was closed for the night so he had to park someplace off road. They had decided to continue their journey to Yorg's in the morning.

Climbing up the ladder on the back of the RV found the antennae on top to be perfectly fine. It was his own invention, used the super science Ford taught him in college so it would only pick up the channels he wanted, but there didn't seem to be a thing wrong. Then he turned his attention to the sky, the clouds were just as black as any storm clouds and yet the only thing they seemed to do was hover in the sky menacingly. "That doesn't look normal."

"HELP ME!!!"

A man came running out of the forest in a blind panic. Bruises decorated his body, he was covered in a layer of sweat, like he had been running all night.

Dipper climbed down the ladder and dashed to the man. "Whoa!! Calm down buddy!! What's happening?!"

"I shouldn't have done it!! I didn't know what he really had planned!! I shouldn't have made that deal!!!"

A cold chill ran down Dipper's spine, he knew exactly who this man was running from. A claw stretched out from the shadows and stabbed the man in the back.

The man lurched forward, he grabbed Dipper's trench coat in desperation as he fell to his knees. The look in the man's eyes, they told of a horror story. The helplessness the man felt, his despair, they all sang out in the look in his eyes as he fell to the ground. The man was dead now, and Dipper was left alone. The claw dissipated in to thin air and Dipper started to breathe heavily. He had never felt more vulnerable and exposed, he instantly drew his gun.

"I KNOW YOU'RE HERE! SHOW YOURSELF!!"

At first there was no response, not even a sound save for the wind blowing through the trees.

"Well well well, Detective Dipper Pines..." Dipper froze. The voice was right behind him, practically in his ear. He would know that voice anywhere. It was the Jersey Devil. "It's a small world after all."

Stepping out from behind Dipper was the monster himself. His three cloven hooves clopped on the ground as he moved towards the body.

His head was that of a goat's skull, devoid of any flesh yet two little balls of flames resided in his eye holes acting as eyes. Despite his head being a goat skull the horns he had resembled more of a bull's but twisted a little as they went up. From the neck down he had flesh covered in a grayish black fur. His build was a lot scrawnier than one might expect but Dipper knew not to underestimate him. A long tail raced out the small of his back with a sharpened spade at the end. Two large bat like wings arched out his back leathery and as black.

"You look good. Well as good as a pale man can anyways."

He looked at Dipper and then gave his attention to the corpse on the ground.

"Not to worry though, I'm not here for you. I'm here for him."

He reached his three clawed hand and phased it in to the dead body. He pulled out a small glowing orb of light and held it up in the air, he released it and let it fall to the floor. As soon as it hit the ground it transformed in to a transparent version of the dead man. The dead man looked at himself in despair and then at Dipper, pleading for him to help.

"As your master, I hereby order you to go back to the prison and wait for me there."

The man turned around and floated away. In his back you could see the wound mark left by the lethal claw mark.

"He actually thought he could back out of my deals. Tried to run away... I'll give him credit though, he got much farther than anybody else. Seriously, no one had ever eluded me for as long as he did. Probably would have made it to the other side of the country if I hadn't cut him off. That's enough business for now though," his little fireball turned to Dipper. "How have you been? Is Mabel around?"

He asked this question absentmindedly rubbing the side of his jaw. "I suppose she wouldn't be though. Yes, you've gotten yourself someone new, the paranormal world has been all abuzz about you two. Say, where is she? I would very much like to meet her acquaintance."

*CLICK!*

Dipper aimed his special gun right at the Jersey Devil's face. His hand was shaking with the gun but there a fierce determination in his eyes which showed he meant business.

"You stay the Hell away from her!! You hear me?! If you so much as place a claw on her I will make you wish you were never born!!"

The Jersey Devil stared at Dipper for a moment and then turned his attention to the gun.

"Well that gun looks much different from the one you pointed at me last time."

"Of course it is! You destroyed the one I had before it."

"Of course! Of course!" The Jersey Devil placed a nonchalant claw on the gun and pointed it away from himself. He lowered himself closer to the ground and picked up the dead body. He turned around and took a couple steps away from Dipper. He spread his wings wide preparing for take off. "Well it's been fun catching up but I'm afraid I can't stay. People to torment, deals to make, you know how it is..."

"WAIT!!!"

He was about to fly off but Dipper's sudden outburst stopped him before he could even get in to the air.

"I need to know!" He looked at the Jersey Devil with steely determination. "Exactly what are you planning in New York?"

He stared at Dipper as if he just said something odd. It was hard to give a quizzical look with his head but somehow he managed to make it happen.

"New York? As in in New York, New York? Dipper, Dipper, Dipper..." The Jersey Devil shook his head in disappointment. "I thought you were smarter than this. If I'm going to release any horrible evil upon the world, I'm going to do it from the comfort of my home in Jersey!" With that being said the Jersey Devil jumped in to the air and started to flap his wings. "I'd love to stick around and chew the fat with you but I have fresh soul waiting for me back at my fortress."

Before Dipper could say anything else the Jersey Devil took off in to the sky carrying the corpse with him.

"Hope to see you again real soon, 'detective'!!"

The Jersey Devil was starting to get farther away but Dipper never let him out of his line of fire. He wanted to pull the trigger, settle it right here and now, have his ultimate showdown but instead he found himself frozen. He couldn't move his body, he felt a deer stuck in the headlights of a car. His hand started to shake again but much more violently this time.

"Come on! Just pull the trigger!!"

But it was no good, the Jersey Devil was too far now. He had missed his opportunity.

Dipper swore and kicked the ground. He headed back inside feeling completely ashamed of himself. He was expecting Pacifica to question him about all the racket that went on outside but when he stepped inside it was completely quiet.

He looked at Pacifica and gave a sad smile at the sight of her already asleep. He sighed and walked over to her, the girl was a heavier sleeper than she looked. A piece of her blanket had fallen off of her shoulder so Dipper delicately tucked her in. He then started to get himself ready for bed as well and turned off the television (which was working fine now btw).

"Everything will look better in the morning."

Dipper's musing caused some stirring with Pacifica; she peaked an eye open and let out a very quiet "Dipper..."

'Oh sure! She can sleep through a complete racket outside but when it comes to me talking to myself THAT'S worth getting up for!' Dipper bitterly thought.

"Hey Sleepyhead; I told you that you needed more rest." Dipper gave her a forced smile which he tried to make look sincere.

"Is everything okay? I mean for pity's sake, you look even paler than me."

"Everything is fine. You go to sleep, and tomorrow you'll meet my old friend Yorg."

"Okay. If you say so. Good night, Dipper."

"Good night, Pacifica."

Pacifica went back to sleep but Dipper would be staring up at ceiling in his couch bed for hours before sleep could finally claim him.

The RV pulled up to the police station of Autmer City, it was a very large building with two large lamp posts next to it's stoop. Dipper managed to park close to the entrance so it would be a short walk in.

"He hospitalized two street gangs?! Are you serious?!"

"Hate to say it, but yes! It really bothers me too because he promised he wouldn't hurt anyone."

Dipper held the door open for Pacifica allowing her to go first.

"Maybe some time in his holding cell will have given him some time to think about what he's done."

The inside was a waiting room hallway which lead to the front desk. Sitting in a chair was a rather old woman, she had her hair done up in a bun and was wearing a navy blue suit. She stood up almost immediately when she saw Dipper.

"Dipper, I'm so glad you're here. Oh! Did you know your hat has a pink dot in it?"

Dipper winced but decided to just ignore the question.

"I'm sorry we couldn't have come sooner." He motioned to Pacifica. "Inga, this is Pacifica. She helps me out with the cases. Pacifica, this is Inga. We found Yorg together."

"Oh! It's nice to meet you!"

Inga offered her hand towards Pacifica and she shook it.

"Likewise. Dipper, never told me he found Yorg with somebody else."

"Well I'm typically a quiet woman, I don't like too much attention. I was really there just to translate. The poor boy doesn't know any other language besides English, can you believe that?"

"Sounds like him. So exactly what happened?"

"Yeah, you said you were going to travel with him to keep him out of trouble."

"Well we were traveling together, seeing the country just like we planned when all Hell broke loose! There was shouting and shooting and then I looked away for one moment and Yorg was gone. I'm sorry!"

"It's okay, I understand... but I'm still going to need to talk to him. He's in a holding cell right?"

"Yes, patiently awaiting you."

The three walked to the the front desk where Dipper flashed his special badge to the desk officer. "I'm Detective Pines, sanctioned by the government, this Pacifica Northwest, my... associate. We understand you arrested a rather old man who was involved in the hospitalization of two street gangs; we need a quick chat with him."

The desk officer looked over the badge and nodded. "Alright, you seem official. Stay here and we'll get everything ready for you."

A lady officer walking a German Shepherd suddenly caught Pacifica's eye. "Oh a dog! Would it be okay if I pet it?"

"I don't know... She's been pretty moody lately. Lazy too... but mostly moody." The dog let out an annoyed growl. "That's what you've BEEN lately! Moody and Lazy!! I'll tell you what sister, let her sniff your hand and if she gives it a lick then you can pet her."

Pacifica knelt down to the dog and offered her hand. Dipper looked at her slightly perplexed; Pacifica could feel his gaze as the dog sniffed her hand.

"I'm a dog lover, okay?"

"I would have pegged you for a cat lover."

"Those hairball machines?! No thank you!"

The dog gave her hand a lick and Pacifica started to pet the dog.

"Oh sure!" the lady officer snarled. "Be nice with her but when it comes to me you get all snarly and bitey!"

"Well you do know she's pregnant right?" asked Pacifica.

"Wait, what?! Susan, is that why you won't do your exercises?"

Susan gave a quiet little 'woof!' as an answer. Then she let out a whine and collapsed on the floor.

"SUSAN!!!"

"Oh my goodness, she's ready to have them too. Like, right now!"

"WHAT?!"

"Quick! We need to get here someplace where it'll be safe for the delivery!"

"I know just the spot!" The lady officer quickly picked up Susan and ran off with Pacifica quickly following.

"Wait!! Pacifica!!!" Dipper called out. "What about Yorg?!"

"This is what needs my full attention right now!!!" she called back.

"Don't worry Dipper," comforted Inga. "I'll help them with it and we'll meet up you and Yorg in no time."

She patted Dipper on the back and ran after Pacifica.

Yorg was a rather large gentleman, even by normal standards. Why even Soos himself would only come up to Yorg's chin. A fur cape was draped over his hunched back, held in place by two large metal disks on his chest. He did have on a metal helmet but there were no horns as vikings were often seen wearing in the media. He was still a rather old man, white hair reached down to his shoulder but it was nothing compared to his Santa Claus like beard.

He sat on the cell bench patiently, kicking his legs back and forth like a child. A guard came over and opened the cell door. "You have a visitor."

(A/N: You remember what I've said in the past about accents right? Just pretend Yorg has a Swedish accent.)

"Ah good! Must be Dipper, here to bail me out!"

Yorg was guided by a police officer to a room usually used for interrogations. Dipper managed to pull some strings and convinced the station to let them talk there instead. There was a metal table and two chairs for sitting and chatting.

"Dipper! It is so good to see you again!"

"Yorg! I must admit I wish we were meeting again under happier circumstances, but I am very impressed with your English! I guess Inga's lessons really paid off!"

"Yeah, she is my little love chicken!"

"I always thought you two would end up together, but let's address the elephant in the room."

Yorg looked to his left and then to his right. "Elephant? What elephant? Is it invisible? Truly it must be the strangest creature either of us have yet to see!"

"It's a metaphor!! My point is: when I left you with Inga, she translated that you PROMISED not to hurt anyone! What happened, man?!"

"Well I was walking with Inga exploring the city when we started to hear these loud noises. I remember she once told me about these amazing things called 'fireworks' and I thought perhaps this was it. I ran ahead and then this nice young gentleman asked me if I was looking to 'get capped'. I thought he was asking for my helmet so I threw it at him and it sort of accidentally broke his legs. Then I saw one of them toss these things called 'hand grenades' and I was caught in amazement, it was as if they wielded the power of the Gods themselves in their hands. I thought perhaps that this could be it, this could be entryway in to the gates of Valhalla. Those pebble shooters they called 'guns' were especially fu... Dipper, my friend, why are burying your face in to your hand?"

"It's called face palming. It's a future thing... Yorg, I gave you a lot of slack because I believed in you and your promise but you really let me down here!"

"...oh... Well they started it!"

"I don't care who started it! You nearly ended... them! Seriously man, some of them probably aren't going to be able to walk again! Man, you've try HARDER at this promise! Not just for me, and not just for yourself, but for Inga too!"

"Inga?"

"Yes!! You're a warrior but is she? What if they decide to go after her instead of you?!"

Yorg hung his head a little in shame and twiddled his fingers for a bit. "Very well, Dipper. For you and Inga I shall do better. I swear on my beard. Where is Inga anyways?"

"Well this guard dog turned out to be pregnant, so Inga and Pacifica volunteered to get on top of it while we chatted."

Yorg gave an almost youthful smile followed by a raised eyebrow. "And exactly who is this 'Pacifica'?"

Dipper would never admit it but he blushed pretty hard at this question. "Oh she's... you know, nobody. She's just... helping me with my cases and... ahem, living me with in the RV."

Yorg gave a playful punch to Dipper's shoulder but it sent him flying to the opposite side of the room.

"Sorry Dipper! Sorry!"

Yorg was helping Dipper up to his feet when a police officer came in with a serious look on his face.

"Yorg? You've been released. You can go now."

"What? But I haven't even paid his bail yet!"

"You don't have to. He's been officially pardoned."

"Pardoned?! By who?!"

"By the same guy who wants to speak to you. Immediately!"

"Alright, tell... whoever it is, that I'm on my way. Yorg, you got lucky this time but do you have any other questions to ask me before I leave?"

"Can I get a motorcycle? I saw one and it looked like so much fun!"

"...Ask Inga!"

Dipper was lead back to the lobby with Yorg where they found a man in green waiting for them.

Dipper recognized this gentleman immediately. From his military hair cut, to the five stars he had on each shoulder. This man stood tall and proud with medals adoring his military suit.

This was Five Star General Victor Segatory, he was one of the few men in country Dipper actually had to answer and report to. He was not a man known for house calls, so if he was here to clean up one of his messes just to talk to him it meant one of two things. Either 1) Dipper was in some big trouble and was about to be personally reprimanded for it or 2) General Segatory had a job for him which was so important the information could only be trusted to be delivered in person.

Either way, it had to be severely important.

"F-F-F-FIVE STAR GENERAL!! SIR!!!"

Dipper immediately stood at attention his hand up in a salute.

"Nice reflexes there, Pines. Now normally I don't bother in your matters what with your weird creatures and your uh..." General Segatory paused for a moment as he looked over Yorg. "'unique' friends, but what I've on my hands here is something that requires me to bring out this country's 'A' Game. Now I understand you finally found a suitable replacement for that sister you told me about?"

"SIR!!! YES SIR!!!"

"There's no need to shout."

"SORRY SIR, I'M JUST VERY NERVOUS!!!.......SIR!!!"

The General was about to order him to at ease when Pacifica came in from the next room taking off a pair of rubber gloves. She walked right pass the General, almost ignoring him, and stood next to Dipper looking at him expectantly.

"So the puppies were delivered, they're all perfectly healthy. The nursing skills I learned in Iceland made it a piece of cake, Inga was a big help and..." Pacifica trailed off as the longer she went on the more bullets Dipper sweated. He was so stiff and nervous it was clear something was up with him. She followed his gaze to the General and leaned over.

"Who's the big green military guy?"

Dipper swallowed a lump in his throat. He leaned over to Pacifica and then said as quietly as he could "This is Five Star General Segatory, he answers only to the President, and for all intensive purposes... He. Is. Our. Boss!"

In a flash Pacifica was saluting, standing next to Dipper every bit as stiff as Dipper was. "Sir! Sorry Sir!"

General Segatory ignored her and took a step closer to Dipper. He stared the detective right in the eye with his steely gaze. "Detective, am I to believe that this woman who just delivered puppies and walked pass me as if I were normal civilian is to be the supposed 'cavalry' you chose for when you get in to a life or death situation?"

Dipper swallowed another lump in his throat. "Yes sir!" His voice came out squeaky and cracked, he doubted it helped his situation.

"Well I have just one thing to say about your 'choice'."

All of the terror, strife, and stress which Bill Cipher caused Dipper during Weirdmageddon paled in comparison to the situation which this ordinary military man had placed him in.

The General gave Dipper a hardy slap on the back with a shout of "Nice Job!!"

"In all seriousness though, both of you can at ease now." Dipper and Pacifica let out a breath and hunched over themselves. The General pulled out a manila folder from behind himself and handed it to Dipper. "This is your mission; nothing too challenging for the likes of you, it's a escort mission. A world criminal was apprehended here in the U.S. and we're transporting it to U.N where it can face judgement by the World Court. Her name is Babba Yagga, if you can believe it, and she's been eating children all over the world before she was caught in California by a foreign agent. Your job is security... both of you. You'll be escorting the criminal by train, we got McGucket special brand train just for the occasion. Babba Yagga gets on the train, and it's your jobs to make sure she doesn't get off she reaches New York! The details about the train are in the folder, but you should know you won't doing this job alone. The foreign agent will be joining you in transporting the criminal; I believe you're already acquainted with the gentleman."

Dipper flipped through the folder and then smiled. "Oh! It's Artie! I love that guy!"

"I considered sending your weird bug man to deliver this instead of me but he got held up at the lab."

Flashback

Mothman landed on the ground with his shoulders slumped.

"Hey Mothman, why you looking so down dawg?"

"Oh, hey Deep Chris. I'm just a little sad because another woman screamed when she saw my face. Make me kind of depressed, you know?"

"Don't be down Moth G! How about we play some paddy cake, just you and me, for serious!"

"You always know exactly how to cheer me up."

They started to play paddy cake which was challenging for Deep Chris since Mothman kept using all four hands.

From around the corner General Segatory was watching the scene but he slowly slid behind the corner.

End Flashback

"I've seen horrific battles but nothing was creepier than watching those two play paddy cake."

"I know what you mean Sir!" Dipper saluted.

"As for you, ya big viking colossus..." Yorg must have been ignorant of the gravity the General's visit brought because he had been whispering sweet nothings with Inga during the whole debriefing. The General took a calming breath and the couple gave him their attention. "If anyone knows what it's like to have trouble holding back in a fight it's me, but in the future at least TRY to find a way to handicap yourself!"

"Yes Sir!"

The General turned his attention back to Pacifica. "As for you, Dipper has yet to send any complaints about you in your reports." He suddenly slaps her on the back. "That's a good thing in case you didn't know! This Senior/Junior Officer you two have going on seems to be going just fine! Keep up the great work!"

As the General walked off his words seemed to linger in Pacifica's head. Senior and Junior Officer? I guess that describes us. I never really thought of us like that before though. I wonder if that's how Dipper's viewed our relationship?'

The General tipped his hat to everyone and left through the front door. With him gone and business basically concluded, Pacifica could finally ask Dipper a question which was burning in her mind.

"Dipper, can we get a puppy?"

"What?! Puppy? No!"

"Oh come on! I'm not talking about one of the ones I just delivered, I mean puppies who are ready to leave their mother!"

"No!! Pacifica, we live in an RV!!"

"We could train it to fight baddies with us! It doesn't even need to be a big dog! It's not like I'm not asking for, like, a German Shepherd. We could have a small one like a Golden Retriever or a Labrador..."

"Those are NOT small dogs!! Okay this conversation is over! Come on, let's go!"

"I'll win you over yet, Dipper Pines!"

"Nope!" Heading towards the door Dipper turned his attention to Yorg. "Well Yorg, I guess you're off the hook. Anything you want to say before we leave you to your own devices?"

"Just one." Yorg said with an innocent smile. "Inga already bought me a motorcycle. It was supposed to be a surprise. It is waiting out in the parking lot."

Laughter echoed in to the night as the four exited the building into the parking lot.

"This did not go the way I was expecting." Dipper laughed. "In all seriousness though Yorg, never do this again!"

"Very well, I'll just find another way in to Valhalla."

Yorg and Dipper stared at each other for a moment and then burst with laughter.

While Yorg and Dipper searched for the motorcycle, Inga and Pacifica were having a slightly different conversation.

"Inga, you were with Dipper when he found Yorg so that meant he trust you enough to take care of yourself. And the two of you seem to nerd it up pretty well so I feel like I have to ask you... was Dipper thinking about recruiting you? You know, like, for my job or whatever."

"Oh no, I'm just a linguist. He had me come with him in case there was some Nordic runes he couldn't decipher. Then we met Yorg and I volunteered to go with him, to try and keep him out of trouble. Trouble has a way of finding us though."

"I know what that's like!"

"Yes, I see a lot of myself you in you. Versatile yet cautious."

"Yeah, but the difference is you and Yorg are dating. With me and Dipper, well we're just friends."

"For the moment."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I might be old but even I can read between the lines you. The electricity you two are putting out can be felt a mile away."

"We're just friends!" Pacifica insisted.

"Friends who share a roof?"

"Well... yeah! That's only because we're on the road so much!"

"And face constant dangers together? Alone?"

"That's the job!! It's all just business!"

"Oh but Pacifica, don't you see? Yorg and I started out exactly the same way!"

Dipper and Yorg pulled up on the motorcycle breaking off the conversation.

"Found it!" Yorg cheered as flashed the ladies a grin with his broken teeth.

Dipper hopped off and tipped his hat to Yorg and Inga. He walked in to the RV and started to get things ready.

"Does he even have a license to drive one of those?" Pacifica asked.

"No, but I do! Move over, Sweetie. I'm driving."

Dipper pulled up with the RV as Inga placed Yorg's helmet on herself.

"Remember Pacifica, Yorg and I started out as 'just friends' exactly like you and Dipper..."

Inga slowly drove the motorcycle in a circle once and then sped off with Yorg, both waving goodbye. As Pacifica watched them drive off the gravity of Inga's words finally hit her.

"So wait... Does that mean that one day... Me and Dipper... ?!"

*CRACK!**THOOM!*

Pacifica jumped in the air as the sudden thunder snapped out of her thoughts. Pacifica raced inside the RV, the rain coming down was coming fast and hard.

"Are you okay Pacifica? You're looking very red in the face."

She took a breath, calmed herself down and gave Dipper an innocent smile.

"Fine. Thunder just took me by surprise that's all. Soooo? Dipper, have you changed your mind about the puppy?"

"Are you still on that?! No! I have not changed my mind. Why do you like dogs so much anyways? Would've pegged you for a fan of the pristine cats."

"Again, no. Dogs are loyal. Simple really. All they want is for you to love them and they love you back in return. Plus I feel like I'm kind of overdue for a do over after the one I had from a ki-Oops!"

"AHA! You slipped up!" Dipper pointed an accusing finger at her. "I knew there more going on here! Explain!"

Pacifica took a seat on the couch with a sad smile on her face.

"You see when I was a little girl I wanted a dog. So as the spoiled little rich girl I was I eventually got it. I couldn't have been happier; but my parents being Northwests had certain expectations for a Northwest dog. They took her away from me when she was just a puppy so she could be trained. Needless to say they overdid it, when I got him back not only was he no longer a puppy but was almost brain dead."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean they trained this dog so hard in what NOT to do, she was too afraid to do anything! She wouldn't run, she wouldn't play, she wouldn't even bark!! All she would do was just stand there and wait for orders! They ruined my dog before I even got a chance to enjoy her!! As bad as it was I couldn't just leave her, she was still my dog. So I did my best to love her anyway I could."

"Even back then you were kind."

"Oh my goodness, no I was not! There is a difference between loving your pet and being a good person! I was a stuck up little monster as a kid!!"

"Oh you weren't that bad."

"Are you kidding me?! I was 'the worst'!"

Dipper threw his head back with laughter at Pacifica's call back. It wasn't long before Pacifica found herself laughing just as much and just as loud as Dipper. Eventually the laughter died down and the two shared a happy sigh. A silence took over them, and Pacifica was about to enter some new territory.

"Listen Dipper, you've been really nice to me since you've come back in to my life..."

*KNOCK!**KNOCK!**KNOCK!*

"I wonder who that is?"

"Never mind them, Dipper. Whoever they are, they can wait! Anyways, my point is you've done a lot for me and..."

*KNOCK!**KNOCK!**KNOCK!*

"They aren't going away." Dipper noted.

"Just ignore them! This is important!" Pacifica snapped. "Like I was trying to say, I was wondering if maybe sometime you'd like to..."

*KNOCK!**KNOCK!**KNOCK!*

"I'm sorry Pacifica, but this is going to drive me nuts! I have to see who's at the door!"

*KNOCK!**KNOCK!**KNOCK!*

"ALRIGHT FINE! Fine!! If it's going to get in the way of what I'm trying to ask then FINE, we'll open the door!!"

Pacifica grumbled angrily under her breath as she and Dipper headed to the door.

*KNOCK!**KNOCK!*

Dipper opened the door only to have a man fall through the doorway unconscious. He was covered in dirt and his outfit was decorated with holes. This man was certainly not someone Dipper had met during his career but Pacifica recognized this man almost instantly.

"Dad?!"

Omake

Pacifica and Dipper started to help Preston to his feet.

"Dad, what are you even doing here?!" Pacifica asked.

"I'm sorry Sweetie. I don't mean to interrupt your new life with your boyfriend here but..."

Preston winced on the words 'new life' and 'boyfriend' for reasons of both his past and his fatherly love for her.

"Oh no, we're not 'together'."

Preston was up on one knee at this point so Pacifica and Dipper decided to let him pick himself up. He smiled at his daughter's news. "Really?"

"We have seen each other naked though."

*THUD!*

"DAD!!! Oh geez, way to overreact!! Stay with me Dad!!"

Chapter Text

Preston was sitting on the couch, Dipper had brought him some coffee and Pacifica had a blanket draped over his back.

"Dad, what are you even doing here?!"

"Yeah, and what happened to your clothes?"

Preston shot Dipper a dirty look and took another sip of his coffee. "I wouldn't be judging a man's clothes if I were you Mr. Pink Dot."

Dipper grumbled angrily to himself. Preston stared down at his coffee for a moment before looking up at Pacifica.

"Pacifica, I'm afraid that your dear old dad has fallen on some hard times. I wouldn't have come here if it wasn't absolutely necessary. I hate to admit this but... I need help!"

"It must be pretty bad if you're coming to us for help." Dipper noted.

Preston raised an unamused eyebrow at him. "Who said anything about you?! I came here for help from my daughter! I would never bring myself to come to YOU for help! Especially not after how you ruined the lives of myself, my wife, AND my daughter!!"

"Daddy, my life isn't..."

"Excuse me, I ruined her life?!" Dipper snapped. "I'm not the one who made it so that she flinches every time she hears a store bell ring!!"

Preston glared at Dipper. "No instead you just FAILED to do the job my daughter hired you for, losing an entire fortune that forces her to change her lifestyle from upper class to no class! She's gone from living in a penthouse to living in an RV and it's all your fault! You are the worst thing to ever happen to her!!"

"Why you...!"

Dipper was about to pounce on Preston but Pacifica was ready to intercept him. "Dipper, calm down! Daddy, you're not being fair! Dipper saved me from a life of being a waitress! Now I need BOTH of you to at least try to be nice to each other!"

Dipper and Preston were both equally aghast at Pacifica's request. They pointed helplessly at each other and in unison spoke "What?! But he's the one who..."

Pacifica held up her hand silencing both of them.

"Dipper, I think I'm going to need a moment alone with my father."

"... Okay, but first I need a moment alone with you!"

Dipper escorted Pacifica to the front of the RV and closed a little mini privacy curtain so Preston couldn't overhear them.

"Pacifica, I know he's your father and everything but something smells fishy here."

"Well he does look like he's been through a lot so..."

"No! Figuratively! He just so 'happens' to find us here out in the middle of nowhere? How did he find out where we were? He certainly didn't try to contact us through the government. And I know he didn't go to Soos for our number! He's hiding something from us!"

"Dipper, listen... I know he's not a good person. His hands are anything but clean! I know exactly the type of man he is but... but he's still my father. I have to at least TRY to give him the benefit of the doubt. If there is even the smallest chance he's telling the truth, that he's coming to me on his last leg because he actually needs my help, then I owe it to him to try and help."

"But..."

"Dipper, I know suspicions come with the job, but don't look in to this one. Please, for me?"

"I...I..."

"Now, if he's really going to bother you then I suggest you just wait outside while I talk to him."

Dipper adjusted his hat and scowled. "Fine!"

Dipper headed out the front door only stopping momentarily to share a glare with Preston.

Pacifica sighed and walked over to her father.

"I'm glad he's out of the way. He's such a..."

"Daddy!" Pacifica held up her hand, stopping him mid rant. "We can talk about your behavior with Dipper later. Right now, why don't you take it from the top. Last time I checked you got a job running some factory. What happened?"

"Things only got worse for me after you left. The barrel factory shut down and I was left unemployed, as soon as your mother heard she left me."

Pacifica's eyes shot open.

"Mom divorced you?"

Preston couldn't help but give a little smile, Pacifica had sounded like a little child when she asked that. Or at least she did to him, a part of him would always see her as his little baby girl.

"I'm afraid so. She ran off to be with some trucker of all things. With no job I couldn't pay rent so I was tossed out on to the streets. Then I heard about your cousin Johnathon, somehow he had managed to avoid the financial bankruptcy caused that blasted detective of yours!"

"Dad," Pacifica warned. "Leave Dipper out of this! Stick to the story!"

"Fine! So naturally I contacted him thinking he would bail me out but imagine my surprise when he basically snubbed me. He gave ME, his own uncle, the cold shoulder! But I didn't give up, I finally got him to talk to me and explain why he was ignoring me and he said it was because I was too poor! Can you believe that?! Ignoring my very existence because I don't have as much money as him?!"

"Considering this is a Northwest we're talking about? Yes. I can believe that."

"So that's why I came here to you, my only daughter. Your mother won't give me the time of day so you are my last chance."

"Hold up, exactly what are you asking me for?"

"Why the only thing that matters of course! Money!!"

Pacifica sighs and burries her face in to her hand. "Of course. And exactly how much do you need?"

"Not too much. Just a couple thousand, I remember you used to sleep with that much under your mattress!"

"I... You... sigh." Pacifica facepalmed. "So this whole visit was about money? What am I saying? Of course it was! Why should I expect anything else, you're a Northwest after all!"

Preston stared down at his coffee. "I deserve that I suppose. I raised you to believe money was the most important thing in life."

"Money, winning, and looking good." Pacifica corrected.

He looked up at her. "Right. Tell me Pacifica, was it all bad? Your childhood I mean. I know your mother and I were 'strict' to say the least but there were some good times in there too right?"

Pacifica's face softened. "The best times were when we were all together... and I wasn't being pressured to live up to anything."

Preston gave a sad smile. "Tell me, are you... happy? I mean this RV is worse than a hovel but..."

"I admit, this isn't where I thought I would end up at this point in life. Definitely thought there'd be more money... but I am happy with this life. It might not be a leisurely life but it isn't boring either. Every adventure I face is... well scary beyond all reason if I'm being honest, but I always seem to come out stronger than I was before with each case solved."

"Tell me more about these cases..." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "How do they compare to say... the Lumberjack Ghost?"

Dipper looked at the RV and then pulled out his special cell phone. "I'm sorry Pacifica, but I have to listen to my head on this one."

He punched in some numbers and waited for the other end to pick up.

"Soos? It's Dipper! I'm going to need you to do some investigating. It's time to gather the B-Team!" Dipper stared out in to space with a dramatic determined look on his face for a moment but he was brought crashing back to Earth when Soos said something over the line. He looked at the phone incredulously for a moment and rolled his eyes. "Well it's you, Melody, Robbie, and Wendy of course! ... What's that? ... I guess you could bring Toby IF you really wanted... No, I am not calling him that. I will never call him that. Nobody will ever call him that."

New York...

Johnathon Northwest adjusted the cuff links on his tuxedo before walking through a pair of sliding titanium steel doors. He entered in to a room with scientists bustling about in almost every direction, two particular scientists caught his eye so he decided to take a moment and watch them work. They fussed with their experiment for about five minutes before they immediately froze realizing they were being watched by the boss.

"Oh don't mind me gentlemen, I just enjoy watching this one. By all means, proceed."

On a little mini pedestal was a pebble sized diamond, a few feet away from that was a pocket sized crystal in a wire holder which was in front of a dismantled police search light. One of the scientists ran around to the other end of the search light and turned it on. Light shined through the crystal hitting the small diamond and the podium, both instantly grew to immense sizes.

Johnathon grinned as he watched the scientists try to climb the now huge podium to get at the diamond. One of them finally reached the top and pushed the diamond off to the other scientist below.

"And the rich get richer."

He adjusted his necktie and headed to the end of the room where his top scientist was working on his pet project.

This scientist was a godsend to Johnathon. He would have been out on the streets just like his uncle if this man hadn't come along with his mysterious book. Of course his resume was very impressive as well, his college professors loved to rave about him.

All the strange and mysterious things inside that book on their own they were world changing but when applied to the task of creating fortunes... well he may as well be printing out his own money.

The scientist was actually working on a console for a much bigger project, this was a simple upgrade but a necessary one.

He finished his work and pressed a few buttons; the wall in front of them opened up and a giant robot suit was revealed.

Johnathon stood next to his scientist but his eyes never left the suit.

"Good to see you Johnathon. How's those light bulbs I got you?"

"You mean the ones that last a thousand years and make your skin softer? I'm afraid I've been hoarding them a bit."

"Can't blame you there."

"So how's the suit coming along?"

"Actually we're ahead of schedule. Everything just keeps falling in to place, almost as if we were meant to make this. How's that threat I warned you about?"

"The Pines? Mabel is running a small independent business and her brother is currently being investigated. Seems like an awful lot of effort for two people."

"I saved you from a life on the streets. Everything else I have told you has been on the up and up so trust me when I say that the Pines family is not to be underestimated. Nobody knows this better than me."

Pacifica laughed lightly as Preston tossed another item at her umbrella force field only for it to bounce off it harmlessly. This was something she always wanted, just regular bonding time with her parents; no money, no stature involved at all.

"This umbrella of yours is impressive indeed; and you said Dipper had... a gun was it?"

"Yeah, it really doesn't have a name. We just call it his special gun."

"I see."

*KNOCK!**KNOCK!**KNOCK!*

Pacifica put her umbrella away and headed towards the door. It opened before she even got to it; Dipper nearly stormed in carrying a handful of papers.

"What the...? Dipper? What's going on?"

"Mothman just finished delivering something to me!"

"Mothman?" inquired Preston.

"You know Mothman," Pacifica stated. "I just finished telling you about him."

"Oh right!"

Dipper's face fell slightly when he heard Pacifica say this, but he quickly shook it off.

"I had Soos and the guys investigate Preston's story..."

"What?! Dipper, I asked you not to do that! I told you that if you actually respec..."

"He's been lying to you!!" Dipper snapped.

Pacifica's eyes glassed over. "What?"

He handed the papers to Pacifica.

"It's all there in the papers! He's been in constant contact with your cousin! He didn't get fired from his job! He's not out living on the streets! He's not even divorced!! He's still happily married to your mother!"

Pacifica looked through the papers in an emotional furry while Preston sent Dipper a death glare.

"How dare you?! I..."

"Dad!" Pacifica's voice was not loud but the seriousness in her voice cut Preston right to the bone. "Is all of this true?"

"Well I... I..." Preston struggled to find a good excuse but it was no use, the truth was written all over his face. He slumped his shoulders in defeat. "Yes."

"Then why? Why you did you come here? What were you after? What was the point?!"

Preston stood up straight as if he were still a wealthy gentleman.

"Well since the caviar is back in the river as it were..."

"What?" Dipper asked.

"That's my family's way of saying 'the cat's out the bag'! Don't interrupt him, Dipper!"

"As soon I found out your cousin somehow regained our family fortune I contacted him immediately. I was expecting him to bail us out just like I said but the truth is he would only do so for the price of information. YOUR information. I don't know why, but he's very interested in you two for some reason. I was to extract as much information about the two of you as possible and report back to him via a phone call. Then he would transfer funds in to our account and we would all have our old lives back."

"Did Mom know you would be lying to me with a pity story?"

Preston sighed in defeat. "It was your mother's idea."

Pacifica gripped the center of her shirt. "I... I need a moment to process this. I need to be alone so I can think about what I should do with all this information. Dad, I'm going to have to ask you to go outside."

Dipper smirked triumphantly at Preston's shocked face.

"Dipper that goes for you too!"

Now it was Dipper's turn to be shocked.

"I-What?! Why ME?!"

Pacifica glared at him while placing her hands on her hips. "Dipper, what was the one thing I asked you not to do?!"

"Have... your father... investigated?"

"And what did you do?!"

Dipper sunk his head in shame. "Have your father investigated. I'm in trouble aren't I?"

"Big time!!"

Dipper and Preston sat on the ground outside the RV hugging their knees. They were about five feet away from each other and that was how they planned on keeping it.

"This is all still your fault!" Preston snapped. "If YOU were better at your job my family never would have gone broke in the first place, and this whole thing could've been avoided completely!"

Dipper just sat silently and stared ahead.

"Now because of YOU she's mad at both of us!"

Dipper continued to just sit silently.

"Say something!!"

Dipper turned to him.

"You tried to con your daughter. Good luck trying to live with that."

The door to the RV opened up and Pacifica carrying a full looking duffel bag. As she got closer Dipper could see a dollar bill sticking out of the zipper.

"You're kidding me! That thing he said about sleeping on money was true?"

"Dipper?"

"Yes Pacifica?"

"Shut up!!"

Dipper shrank visibly. "Yes Ma'am."

Pacifica dropped the bag of money in front of Preston. "Here, this is what you said you came here for! It was a lie but it was what you told me! Now you take the money and go back home to Mom; but I want you to understand something!" Tears started to race down her face. "I never want you to darken our doorway ever again! I forbid you from ever coming back to this RV ever again! Now go!!"

"...I..."

Pacifica pointed towards the road. "LEAVE!!!"

Preston picked up the bag and began to sadly walk down the road. He looked over his shoulder at her only once.

"Wow Pacifica! I don't know what to s..."

*SLAP!*

She glared at Dipper through teared eyes. "I told you not to look in to it! I told you not to do it FOR ME! I told you trust me! I said that if you ACTUALLY respected me then..."

"Pacifica...I..."

"I know he's dirty... but just once I want to believe... believe that..."

Pacifica couldn't even finish her sentence. She broke down and threw herself into Dipper's chest sobbing.

Dipper was taken back by this, unsure how to treat the situation he held his arms up in the air. As Pacifica continued to cry Dipper finally put his arms around her and held her tight. Any awkwardness he felt melted away, rain started to fall and he held her closer.

"I'm sorry..."

Omake

"I can't believe I found a phone booth! I thought they stopped making these!" Preston said to himself.

He climbed in and closed the door behind him.

"Father would kill me if he could see how low I've stooped. Using a payphone, like a peasant of all things!"

He placed a quarter in to the machine and was about to call Johnathon when Dipper's words echoed through his mind.

'You tried to con your daughter. Good luck trying to live with that.'

He took a deep breath and steeled himself and then punched in a different set of numbers.

"Hello? Yes Sweetie, I'm afraid you were correct. I couldn't follow through with the plan... Do you think you could come pick me up?"

Miles away... Priscilla Northwest was on the other end of the conversation with her bedazzled cell phone.

"Of course I can come pick you up Darling. You just stay right there and I will come to you."

She hung up the phone and then put on her trucker hat. She hopped in to her semi truck and turned on the walkie talkie radio.

"This is Hush Puppies For Diamonds taking my marshmallow down the double six to pick up a Prince Charming could somebody holler back at me about the look out?"

She waited a moment and then a voice came through on the radio.

"This Red Rover, you have a sunny side up on your reverse fairy tale. You're free to go full throttle but watch out for the waffles on the third puke and choke."

"Copy that!"

Priscilla hung up the receiver and brought the gear into drive.

*VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!*

As the semi hurdled down the road Priscilla maintained a completely calm and serene composure.

"I dare say; both Yee AND Haaw!"

Chapter Text

Oklahoma desert...

G-men bustled about the barren train station as they tried to get everything ready for the train's arrival. Dipper, however, was charged with a different task. He was sitting on a park table doing a mountain load of paper work.

"This sucks..."

"Dipper!" Pacifica came over to him with an impatient look. "What's taking so long?!"

"Oh! We're on speaking terms again? That's a good sign!" A glare from Pacifica instantly killed his brightened mood. "Pushing it. Right. Sorry!"

Dipper put his pen down and gave Pacifica his undivided attention.

"Sigh. The better question is 'what would be going right?'"

Pacifica raised an eyebrow at him.

"This train station is barren of any shrubbery it once had; only the first sign of neglect. The track is practically buried in the ground, and with this being the desert, that is a very bad thing! So our ever so nice G-men are scrambling to get it up to code so that our fancy train can show up. I'm stuck with a mountain of paper work and finally my dear friend Artie is running late with the prisoner. I also asked Mothman for a special delivery and he still hasn't shown up with it yet. If that train gets here and he has to catch up to us after we get on... nobody is going to be happy."

"What's he supposed to be delivering?"

Dipper froze, more importantly Pacifica noticed that he froze. He sat there silently as Pacifica waited for him to answer. She tapped her foot impatiently making the situation much more tense for him.

"Uuuuuh... Never mind that! Right. Now, how about you go ask the G-men if there's any sign of... well anything we're looking for! Yes! Go see what you can do to help things along!"

"Fine!"

Pacifica stormed off grumbling something about 'dumb men and their secrets'. Dipper hung his head in shame; Mothman's delivery was supposed to be an apology gift for Pacifica. If he was right about her then it would fix everything, but only if he kept it as a surprise. The backlash of this, was her thinking he was keeping something from her. He technically was, and that only made her angrier with him.

"This really sucks!"

Fifteen minutes later and Dipper finally put the finishing touches on the paperwork. "Great! Now I can go find Pacifica and...

*VROOOOOOOOOOOOM!*

The sound of a car engine roaring caught Dipper's ear. It was pretty distant but just present enough for Dipper to hear.

"Oh I had better hurry up and catch up with Pacifica."

Speaking of Pacifica... She was with the G-men trying to help them unearth part of the track. "Okay, let me try something." She took her umbrella and turned it inside out. "I'm probably voiding the warranty by doing this but..." She pressed the button for her force field and laser beams shot out of the pointed ends and hit the ground in front of them.

*BZRRRRRRRR-RRRR-RRRR-RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-RRRRRRRRRRRR-RRRRRRRT!!*

Pacifica shook violently as she tried to steady the beams. *CRACK!*

A layer of dry earth split apart revealing metal rails underneath. She turned her umbrella off and the battery shot out in to the air. She grabbed it in mid air but it was so fried she had to play hot potato with it for a minute. Guess I'm going to have to get another battery from the RV.'

"There! Does that help any?"

"Tons Ma'am! We'll take it from here!"

*CLAP!**CLAP!**CLAP!**CLAP!**CLAP!*

Pacifica turned around to see a red haired gentleman clapping enthusiastically. He was wearing a grey suit and sitting in a red convertible looking rather pleased with what he was seeing.

"Now that's what I call ingenuity!"

"And you are?"

"My name is Arthur, friends call me Artie. And I'm guessing that you..." he grinned. "Are not Mabel."

"Very astute. How could you tell."

"You look and act like nothing of what Dipper has told me about Mabel. So that means... he must have found a replacement. I knew he'd find somebody but I must admit, I didn't think you'd be so easy on the eyes."

Pacifica blushed at the compliment but ignored it.

"So are you, like, a British spy or something?"

"Oh please!" He stood up in his car. "I work for the UN, technically employed by all the world's governments!" He struck a dramatic pose. "I am much more elaborate than some 'spy'! I am..."

"He's an immigration officer!!" Dipper shouted. He walked over after having just handing a G-man the last of the paperwork. A pen was still in his hand but it was quickly forgotten with the opportunity to give his friend a hard time.

Artie nearly fell out of his car. "I AM MUCH MORE THAN SOME MERE IMMIGRATION OFFICER!!" he shouted back.

"You work you in deportation, man." Dipper said as he finally came over.

Artie sighed and hopped out of the car and walked over to Dipper. The two shared a grin before sharing a hardy handshake.

"I don't think I would be bring up hard truths with a queer hat like that."

"You're talking about the dot right?"

"Of course I'm talking about the dot!"

Dipper gave a depressed sigh but a quick throat clearing from Pacifica alerted him he still hadn't introduced her yet.

"You already figured this out but this is my replacement for Mabel, Pacifica. She's an old friend from Gravity Falls. She's very agile, can speak a bunch of different languages, and is very quick on her feet. Pacifica, this is my pal and friendly rival Artie. Every now and then a monster or whatever tries to leave their country and start trouble some place else, it is Artie's job to hunt them down and bring them to justice."

"I've never heard of place called Gravity Falls."

"It is a town easily overlooked." Pacifica explained. "Although recently it has been getting bigger. When I left there was even talk about it actually being put on the map."

"OH COME ON!!!" Dipper shouted.

"What's with him?" Artie asked.

"Don't mind him, he's just very nostalgic about the town."

"Well in any case..." Artie took her hand and gave it a small kiss. "It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance Miss Northwest."

Pacifica blushed but Dipper stared at scene like it was a car crash. His hand with the pen started shaking until...

*POP!*

His pen exploded in his hand drawing immediate attention to himself.

"Well that's a new one." Artie commented. "I've known you for chewing on your pens, sometimes your shirt, but never just squeezing them until they pop. I suppose it is time to get down to business anyways."

"Yeah, where is the 'prisoner'?" asked Pacifica.

"Oh. She she was being rowdy so I shoved her in the trunk."

"Isn't that a little inhumane?" asked Pacifica.

"Not for her. Trust me, any hardships or misfortunes that come her way... she's more than earned it."

They went to the back of the car and opened the trunk. A mass of grey shot out into the air... only to fall straight to the ground. What originally looked to be a white round lump with a grey bottom turned out to be the prisoner witch herself. Yes, she had made a futile attempt at escape only to literally fall flat on her face. Artie reached down and pulled her upright so his American friends could look her in the face.

Her skin was grey, covered in boils and warts. The mop on her head was what she liked to call her hair, just as dirty as one too.

"Lady and gentleman, I present to you the witch wanted around the world, the Baba Yaga!"

"Release me or else I shall place the curse of booooones on you!"

"Shut it!!" Artie snapped. "Don't let her fool you. She can fly and morph her body a little a bit. But outside of that, any real power legends would say she has is just rumor and hype."

"What's her crime?"

Artie's face darkened. "She is a baby eater."

"Oh my God!! That's terrible!!" Pacifica exclaimed.

"Maybe from where you're standing. I love me some 'baby' back ribs." Baba Yaga chuckled.

Pacifica delivered a quick boot to the chin sending the witch reeling backwards.

Artie leaned over to Dipper and whispered to him. "My, that was quite a high kick don't you think?"

"Yeah..." Dipper smiled. "She says that she took ballet in her younger days."

Artie grinned. "So what you're saying is 'She is agile'..."

"Yeah I... wait, what?"

"What?"

"Why did you say it like... never mind!"

"Okay, she made a weird noise when I kicked her." Pacifica announced. "What's up with that?"

"Oh. That. Show her Baba Yaga."

Baga Yaga grinned a toothy smile but there were no actual teeth in her mouth. Instead she had large pieces of broken glass in her mouth sticking up like teeth.

"Oh my- WHAT IS THAT?!" Pacifica exclaimed.

"Exactly what it looks like. She had her teeth replaced with shards of glass." Artie explained.

"That's not just a crazy thing to do, that's a stupid thing to do! Why would she do something like that?!" Dipper asked.

"It's so I can savor the blood of my meals. The younger the better."

"Can we gag her?!"

"Sorry. I already tried that. Didn't go so well."

"Shouldn't we be worried about that sack?" Pacifica asked. "What if she breaks out?"

"No worries there. That's a magic sack."

"A magic sack?"

"Yes. I actually got it in Russia if you can believe it. Let me show you, be ready to catch her."

"Catch her? What?"

"Pacifica! Just get ready!" Dipper ordered. Dipper grumbled something about a 'reckless showoff' and got in to position.

Artie untied the sack and Baba Yaga flew out only to be intercepted by Dipper and Pacifica. With each holding one of her arms they turned her around to face Artie.

Artie held up the empty sack. "Do you know what this is?"

Baba Yaga kept her mouth shut tight but Dipper squeezed her arm. "Answer the man!"

"It is a sack, okay!!"

"Then get in it!" ordered Artie.

Dipper signaled to Pacifica and they both let her go.

Baba Yaga face looked incredibly strained she walked over to the sack as if it was a voluntary choice. Then she climbed in and Artie tied up the opening.

"And she's caught. Catch is, she actually has to answer the question." Artie explained.

"So this sack is basically your equivalent to Dipper's gun?" Pacifica asked.

"What?! No!! This isn't a weapon, it is a tool for the job! Like Dipper's President Key... only mine is better."

"It is not!" Dipper argued.

"It is so! You know why? Because mine can be used in multiple countries. Heaven forbid you ever have to open a door in Canada or something!"

Pacifica let out a small chuckle at Artie's joke. Dipper looked at her sharply with a look of betrayal on his face.

"He does kind of have a point, Dipper."

Dipper was about to comment when another G-Man walked up to him holding a stack of papers.

"Excuse me, sir. You still have paper work."

"What? No I don't! I just finished the last of it!"

"No sir, that was for receiving the prisoner! This lot here is for transporting the prisoner, working with a foreign officer, and promising to maintain the secrecy of the McGucket Brand Train."

"Fine!" Dipper pulled out another pen from his pocket. "Luckily I have a spare. Artie, want to help me with this stack?"

"What? Don't look at me, mate. I finished all my paperwork before I even got here. Why do you think I was late?"

*CHOO!**CHOO!*

A chrome train with ten cars came to a screeching halt on the tracks. A blue aura was surrounding it, but as the train became stationary, it began to dissipate. Some of it could remind a person a little of the shacktron in that some of the train parts were taken from other machinery. For example, the cow catcher was a plow from a bulldozer. From the engine to the caboose, blue electricity flowed through it as if it were one giant circuit board.

The conductor emerged from the train, Dipper had to stifle back a laugh at his appearance. He was wearing a classic stripped train conductor's outfit complete with puffed up hat.

"Sorry I'm late, my name is Patrick Ansu. I'm the conductor, you can call me Pat."

"What is with the outfit?" Dipper asked.

"It is kind of why I was late. I was dressing up for my four year old daughter and... well long story short, our babysitter canceled last minute."

"Wait! You didn't bring her here did you?!" asked Pacifica.

"We're transporting a child eater, man!" added Artie.

"No! No! No!" Pat reassured them. "That would have been a ferociously bad idea! A government agent agreed to watch her before I departed! We're all good!"

"Aw nuts!" swore Baba Yaga.

Everybody else gave a sigh of relief.

"Great! We'll load up the criminal, I'll set my car to follow and we'll be on our way!"

"Hold on, Artie! There is no way your spy car is going to be any closer to this job than it already has been! It is too risky!"

"So wait, your spy car is an actual spy car? Like, James Bond style?" asked Pacifica.

"Oh yes! It has missiles and oil slicks and everything! I can even summon it and have it on remote control; kind of ridiculous how Dipper sticks his nose up at it. I mean he could have given that rust bucket he calls an RV every single gadget my convertible has and more but he refuses!"

"That's because I SLEEP THERE!! I mean just the missiles alone, one bad speed bump and the 'missiles' would make the whole thing go KABLOOEY!!"

"What about you, Pacifica? Would you prefer your home to have gadgets or no gadgets?"

"I think we should just get going already!!"

"An intelligent choice from an intelligent woman!"

"Why thank you!"

The pen in Dipper's hand started shaking until...

*POP!*

"Oh man! Again? Pacifica, could you go in to the RV and get my box of pens?"

"What? But I wanted to check out the train!"

"Please, Pacifica?"

"Fine!! I'll go get them!!"

Pacifica stormed off leaving the two of them alone.

"Brrrr!!" Artie shivered. "I don't even know what's going on and even I can feel the chill coming off of that cold shoulder. What did you even do?"

"Well the short version I violated her trust and I made feel disrespected."

"'Made her feel disrespected'? What is that supposed to... Oh wait! You listened to your head on this bird didn't you?"

"My head knows things!"

"Yes it does, but it is never as smart as you think it is!"

A ruckus coming from the RV caught their attention; they both flinched as they heard Pacifica swear as she searched the RV.

"Is she on her period?" Artie asked.

"No!!" Dipper paused for a moment and then slumped his shoulders in defeat. "... Maybe. She's pretty good at hiding it."

"Why would she feel the need to hi..."

"I don't know!! Anyways, I'll have you know that I'm not going to let things stay like this! I've got a plan to set things right, and if it works then I will have successfully apologized, make things right, and reestablish trust. I told Mothman to get this special item and to meet us at the drop point!"

"Mmhmm! I see. Tell me mate, when you thought up this 'plan' how many 'steps' did you put in to it? You know what; scrap that! Just answer yes or no... You 'listened to your head' on this plan?"

"I... sigh... no, not really. I just thought it would be a sweet gesture which would say a lot."

"Well that settles it then... it is sure to work!"

"What? Really?"

"Yes. I don't know if anybody has ever told you this before, but you have this nasty habit of getting in your own way."

Dipper instantly face palmed.

"And I am saying this as your friend... you usually have the most success when you listen to your other body parts. You know, like your heart of your gut."

"Wow! Thanks man!"

"Too bad I'm going to snipe her away from you before you get the chance!"

"What?!"

"Oh come on Dipper. You don't think you're the only one who sees her potential do you? She's well versed in multiple languages and, for my job, that is a huge plus. If she were to join me, she could travel the world instead of just one country. It could be a very good opportunity for her and I'd wager she would be smart enough to recognize that."

"Hey! Now you can't just take my friend from me like that!"

"Oh don't worry Dipper. You'll still be her friend, but I am aiming to be something much more than a friend to her!"

"Now hold on just a minute...!!"

"Dipper, Dipper, Dipper!! In case you've forgotten we've already had this talk years ago! Remember? When it comes to attractive women? All is fair in love and war."

Dipper silently fumed at him but didn't do anything other than give him a mean glare.

"Not to worry though, like we agreed upon all those years ago... it is the lady's choice. May the best man win."

Plushy Dipper sat on Pacifica's bed as she searched through the RV for Dipper's box of pens.

"Why couldn't he just have the box some place obvious?! Stupid Dipper!"

She turned and looked at Plushy Dipper. "Of course I don't think he's actually stupid! How could you ask that Plushy Dipper?"

Plushy Dipper continued to sit on the bed silently.

"I know I'm being harsh with him! And I DO forgive him! After all, he was right, right? I'm just...still so MAD at him!"

Plushy Dipper tipped over to his right side.

"Don't give me that look Plushy Dipper! Of course he's still my friend! If I could just stop I would! Maybe this is my fault..."

She picked up Plushy Dipper and sat on the bed. "After what him and his sister did for me... shoot! After what they did for EVERYONE, maybe I kind of put him on a pedestal which he couldn't actually reach? He's only human after all... and maybe I should just accept that... he's just not that twelve year old little boy anymore. He's going to have faults and..."

She hugged Plushy Dipper. "Maybe I don't know him as well as I thought."

Pacifica held Plush Dipper at arms length. "Artie? Well now you're just talking nonsense! Although I do admit, it is nice to be flirted with again. Back in Gravity Falls I used to get that kind of attention almost daily. Kind of nice to get a little bit of the old life back."

Then, on the floor in the kitchen nook, Pacifica spotted a cardboard box on the ground. Investigating it, she found it full of blue pens.

"How do you like that, Plushy Dipper? I found the box!"

Just outside the train...

Dipper and Artie stood on both sides of the stairs to the train. Dipper had not lost his sour expression but Artie seemed to be in the exact opposite mood. And this was for one reason and one reason only...

"Pink hat!"

"Stop it."

"Pink hat!"

"Stop it!"

"Pink hat!"

"Stop it!!"

"Your hat makes you look like a queery!"

"I KNOW!"

He was teasing Dipper.

"Oh! Here comes Pacifica, stow the juvenile stuff!!"

Pacifica shoved the cardboard box in to Dipper's chest. "Here's your pens! I'm going to go inspect the cars."

She roughly passed both of them and entered the train.

Artie hefted Baba Yaga over his shoulder and also entered the train.

Dipper, unlike his comrades, did not board the train immediately. He sat on the step with his cardboard box next to him. He needed a minute.

He rested his chin in his hands. "How did things spiral this fast out of control?"

*BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!*

Dipper stood up. "Wait! I know that buzzing!"

From the distance Dipper could make out a figure in the sky. It was getting bigger as it drew nearer.

"Mothman!!" Dipper cheered.

The giant insect man flew down to Dipper in a crooked flight pattern.

"Dipper! Didn't think I'd make it! This heat here is making me loopy man!"

"I'm sorry to hear that man, but did you bring it?"

"Yeah, I got it right here."

Mothman handed Dipper a small plastic box, similar to the one which contained the infinity sided dice but bigger.

"Quite the order you got there."

"Yeah, lot of paperwork but it should be worth it. What's inside this... should fix everything!"

Omake

"Alright, Artie! I've had enough! I don't like how you look at Pacifica and I'm NOT going to just let you take her away from me!"

"Very well then, Dipper. Let this be our final battle!"

*SLAP!**SLAP!**SLAP!**SLAP!**SLAP!**SLAP!**SLAP!**SLAP!**SLAP!**SLAP!**SLAP!**SLAP!**SLAP!*

Pacifica opened the door to the compartment to see Dipper and Artie having a slap fight while doing their best to keep their faces away from the fight.

"... What're you doing?"

Dipper and Artie stopped for a moment and looked at Pacifica.

"Well you don't expect us to actually fight do you?" Dipper asked.

"We could actually hurt ourselves!" Artie exclaimed.

Pacifica rolled her eyes ironically. "Men!"

Chapter Text

Pacifica walked back to the compartment where Dipper, Artie, and the Baba Yaga sat waiting for her. Her personal inspection of the train wasn't everything she was hoping for, on the inside it seemed like a pretty normal train. Outside the compartment though, she could hear Dipper and Artie talking.

"Dipper seriously, your Pacifica friend is maddeningly hot! And you are sharing a ROOF with her! How have you not made a move on her?"

"Pacifica is amazing but I'm on thin ice with her right now. And we both know she's more than a set of curves!"

"True! The likes of you and me are interested in women who are more than a pretty face, but that's kind of my point!"

"Honestly? I kind of feel like I don't have the right to pursue that kind of relationship with her."

"What?" Pacifica whispered.

"You see, we had a visit from Pacifica's father recently."

"Yes, I think you said something about that."

"Yeah, well he brought up some things against me. He's an asshole, and that's putting it nicely, but he wasn't exactly wrong either. Before I came back in to her life she was living at the Ritz, then she hired me to stop this little creeps from stealing her family fortune and... I failed. I offered her a new life of mystery and adventure with me on the road but I've recently learned that it was probably a huge step backwards for her."

"Dipper, mate, if she had a problem with this type of life she would have left it by now."

"Maybe. Pacifica has adapted to the job in every way I was expecting and even some I wasn't. She is smart, creative, confident and if you want to talk looks well anybody with eyes could tell you Pacifica is top shelf the whole way."

Pacifica felt her face suddenly heat up but she held her breath and continued to listen to Dipper.

"And she's not just hot either, she gets these doe eyes."

"Doe eyes?"

"Yeah, her eyes get real big and cute. The type of eyes you'd find on a female deer. When she gives me those eyes I'm practically puddy in her hands."

Pacifica clenched her shirt.

"But none of that matters, I still screwed up with her. Twice I've failed her! Once when I failed to protect her way money, and twice when I went against her wishes and investigated her father. I don't make a move on her because I don't have the right."

"Aww mate..."

Pacifica took a deep breath and decided that perhaps she should double check her inspection of the train.

New Jersey... Prison Island...

The Jersey Devil landed in the middle of his prison courtyard and stretched tiredly. "Long flights are fun but boy do they take it out of me. Alice!!"

A ghost almost immediately appeared next to him. She was dressed in goth attire and had a curious bruise mark around her neck.

"Yes sir?"

"Has my new soul arrived? I sent it here."

"Yes sir, but I'm afraid we have a bigger problem involving your 'pet'."

"Oh she started eating the zombies again, didn't she?"

"There's none left, my lord."

"Pity. JOSEPHINE!!!"

*THOOM!!!*

A giant monster landed from the sky in front of the Jersey Devil. It had the head of a goat, the wings of a pterodactyl, and a height which easily dwarfed the Jersey Devil. It's tail was forked and it had very scrawny arms, like branches.

"Ah there's my girl."

He scratched it under it's chin and it flopped on to it's back exposing it's belly.

"Although, I will never forget those two old men you ate. Dickie and Ascot, the Sibling Brothers. They should have just learned their lesson from when they were kids, but they would have met their end at some point I guess."

He started to rub the beast's belly.

"There's daddy's red herring."

The Train... Illinois...

*KNOCK!**KNOCK!**KNOCK!*

Pacifica opened the door and came in with her hair an absolute mess. There was an absurd amount of frizz and a leaf and a stick could be seen sticking out of it. She took a seat next to Dipper sitting parallel from Artie. The Baba Yaga sat on the floor in between the seats inside Artie's magic sack.

"Whoa! What happened to you?"

"I didn't stick my head out the window!!" Pacifica blurted out a little too quickly.

"...What?"

"Never mind. I just finished checking on the train, everything is quiet and the dinning car seems to be fully stocked for whatever reason. Our RV in the storage caboose, everything seemed secured."

"I still say it is not fair, you lot got to keep your vehicle but I had to leave mine behind." pouted Artie.

"Artie, your 'car' is remote controlled, you can summon it from anywhere. And besides, the storage caboose only had room for one vehicle."

"I'm sorry, anywhere?" asked Pacifica.

"That's right, it can change in to a jet. From the road to the sky in under two minutes! I never have to worry about a traffic jam!"

"Unless you get stuck in a traffic jam in under one minute. Then you're helpless." Dipper jabbed.

"I--Hey!"

Pacifica let out a small giggle.

"You liked that one, did you Sweetheart?"

"Wait!" Artie turned to Pacifica. "He calls you Sweetheart? And you LET him?"

Dipper and Pacifica blushed in unison.

"Yes, well you see... It was Dipper's nickname for me when we reunited after ten years and it just sort of stuck!" Pacifica stammered.

"Yes, but she could have had me stopped calling her that at anytime! All she had to do was speak up about it!" explained Dipper.

"Yeah, but that was the nickname you chose! You could have called me something else but you never did!" Pacifica accused.

"I was going to stop but you insisted that it was 'YOUR nickname' and YOU missed it!"

"...I'm not part of this conversation anymore, am I?" asked Artie.

Artie's little question brought Dipper and Pacifica crashing back to Earth.

"Artie, buddy! I'm so sorry!"

"We didn't mean to ignore you!"

"Can I say something?" asked the Baba Yaga.

"NO!" everyone else shouted in unison.

"You just keep your fat jaw shut!" snapped Artie.

"Okay, let's all just take a step back here. I still got a lot of paper work to finish here."

"Well that's fine, mate. While you do that, I think I'd like to get to know Miss Northwest here a little better. Dipper tells me you've been everywhere."

*POP!*

"Sorry, that was my fault! Another pen popped in my hands."

"Of course it did, mate. Now Miss Northwest, I understand you've been all over the world."

"Please, call me Pacifica."

Dipper let out an angry growl. Pacifica wore a small smirk which if asked she would deny every existed.

"To be honest, I'm not interested in talking about myself for a change. I think I would like to hear more about you!"

*POP!*

"Aw man, again?! Why does this keep happening to me?!" complained Dipper.

"Keep at it, Dipper. Well you've seen my sack, so why don't I show you my gun?"

'Pacifica will see through that innuendo in a second. Then she's REALLY going to let him have it! Just you wait Artie, I won't be the only one in the dog house for very long!' thought Dipper.

"Sure!"

'OH WHAT THE @#$%^&*?!!'

*POP!*

"And there goes another one." Dipper deadpanned.

"Dipper, you're going through an awful lot of pens. Would you like a handkerchief to wipe the ink off your hands or something?" Pacifica asked.

"Yes!!"

Artie tossed a handkerchief to Dipper and pulled out what looked like a toy. Specifically some type of space gun toy from a cartoon. It had a short yellow handle which lead up to the square shaped body of the gun. From here it was colored snow white until it reached a hairline line. After the line it was a metallic blue, and while it did still have three of the four corners from the square from here on it took more of a cone shape. Near the mouth of the gun was a silver ring with little cross hair wings each pointed at a different side. What was strange about it though was four small wheels on the top of it.

"This is my laser piece. Unlike the laser on Dipper's gun I can shoot multiple times instead of just one long beam."

Dipper only grunted at the comparison.

"All by itself, the shots only stun but if I find the situation is a little too dire..." The blue end folded down from the hairline end revealing a square hole in the body. "I can shot lethal blasts from the core."

"And what about the wheels on the top?" Pacifica asked.

"Oh! That's the cool bit! Watch this!"

He placed his gun on the ground upside down and walked to the far end of the compartment.

*SNAP!*

The gun peeled out on the floor with all four of it's little wheels. It sped like a little mini-rocket until it reached Artie.

"It was supposed to spring up to my hand but I sort of plucked it from development a little early."

Dipper didn't stop writing but he did look up from his paper work as Artie sat back down in his spot. "And do you know how that 'magnificent' gun works?"

"I... well, no. The tech boys invented it, I was just assigned it."

"Uh-huh. That's what I thought."

Pacifica put her hand on Artie's. "Hey, it's alright. I don't know how my umbrella works and that is pretty high tech."

The train suddenly came to an abrupt screeching halt causing our four passengers to scream in a blind panic. Pacifica was sent flying forward landing on Artie's chest while Dipper was getting acquainted with the floor.

*POP!*

'You have to GOT to be kidding me with this!'

Pacifica was the first on her feet. "Is everyone okay?"

"I'm alright." stated Dipper.

"I'm better than alright." declared Artie.

"I'm not okay!"

"Nobody cares, Baba Yaga!!" Pacifica snapped.

"What's that conductor thinking?!" Dipper fumed. "He almost killed us! I should go talk to him! Pacifica?"

Pacifica stood up and dusted herself off. "I think I'll stay here and guard the prisoner with Artie."

"And I'll stay here. Alone. With Pacifica. In which nothing potentially romantic could happen."

"What?" asked Pacifica.

*POP!*

"Wow, Dipper! You are just FLYING through those pens!"

Dipper grumbled angrily to himself as he marched down the hallway of the passenger car.

"Stupid Artie... 'Oh don't worry, 'mate'! I'll bring you up in conversation; it'll help us both out!' Yeah right! If either one of them gives me a nickname like Blueberry Hand or something then I swear I will never live it down!"

He opened the door and stepped out on to the little railway between the cars. He looked to his right and saw a blue wall of light, this was same shielding covering the entirety of the train.

"Well at least there's no way anyone is getting off the train right now."

He opened the door to the next car and found tables lined with silverware everywhere.

"Ritzy!! Must be the dining car. Seems a little too high class to be created McGucket though."

It was then that Dipper looked up and notice banjos hanging on the ceiling.

"Now I believe it. I got the feeling that 'prison transport' wasn't what McGucket had planned for this train though."

Pacifica and Artie were laughing heartily while Baba Yaga fumed on the floor.

"You didn't actually do that, did you? Tell me you didn't actually hit that witch with the bloody RV!"

"I did! I didn't know what else I could do!" Pacifica laughed.

"Well if you ask me, that was very resourceful of you."

"Well I think it was very CRUEL of you!! Who hits somebody with an RV? Honestly!!"

"Oh shut up! Nobody care what Ms. Child Eater thinks! But thanks for the compliment, Artie."

"The best compliments are always the truest. Speaking of truth, what were the names of those countries you traveled to?"

Pacifica did her best to try and remember them all, but she was sure she could remember the majority of them. "Well let's see... there was Iceland, France of course, England... London was very lovely. Then there was Poland, Germany, Russia, and one very sweet summer in Japan."

"That's a good number of languages to learn right there."

"Yes, but if you can believe it the whole experience was rather boring. When you come from a weird little town like Gravity Falls, local flavors of normal places are kind of bland. But that's just adolescence, my adult life with Dipper has been much more exciting!"

"Mmhmm. I don't doubt it." Artie nodded with a smile, patiently listening to Pacifica go on.

"When it is actually happening to me I'm absolutely terrified but when I look back on them I realize those cases were actually some pretty amazing adventures."

Artie's smile never left as he rested his head in his hand. 'I never knew you could pick'em like this, mate. Dipper, I underestimated you.'

"Do go on!"

Pacifica did not go on. She silently stared at Artie for a moment or two, almost as if she were trying to read his mind.

"Artie, can I ask you a question?"

"For you, I'm an open book!"

"Is there a reason you wanted us to stay behind? Is there, like, a question on your mind or something?"

"Afraid you caught me. There is a question I've wanted to ask you. A question I can only ask you with the two of us alone."

"Excuse me, but I'm still here!!" Baba Yaga snapped.

"Oh nobody cares! Why don't you just keep your trap shut?!" Pacifica snapped back.

"Well if that's how you really feel then I'll just leave!!"

Baba Yaga started to roll herself towards the door but was stopped by Artie's foot.

"You're going nowhere, you sack of crap!!" Artie snapped.

He kicked her back to the end of the wall and looked to Pacifica.

"The truth is Pacifica that I also see in you what Dipper sees. You see, men like Dipper and I are never interested in women who are 'just pretty faces'. We need something more, a woman who develops her core in to something active! A woman who is well aware of the danger she's in but doesn't let it stop her. I could go on and on but I think you get what I'm trying to say. What I'm trying to ask though... Pacifica, would you consider leaving Dipper and coming to work with me instead?"

"What?"

"I travel all around the world and sometimes I don't know local language. Don't go thinking I would only need you as a linguist though, I need back up just like Dipper does. It is a smaller pool than you might think it is. Anyways, I think you could go far in my business and there is a LOT more benefits than with Dipper's job."

"I..." Pacifica trailed off, seriously considering the offer. "Geez... That could be a step up... but what about Dipper?"

"My mate Dipper is tough! Yeah, he won't be happy about it but he'll get over it and find somebody else. Did I ever tell you that he won't let me meet his sister?"

Back with Dipper...

"Honestly, did we start with that many cars? This is crazy!!"

Dipper entered the engine car ready to give the striped man an earful. Said car was bigger than anyone would have expected, another McGucket super science trick, it was just as big as the other cars with the controls for the steam engine way in the back. Despite the space, Pat still stuck out like a sore thumb. He was quite surprised to see Dipper.

"Hey Pat!! What's the big idea stopping like that?! We're transporting a dangerous criminal, this transport is supposed to be non-stop!!"

"I'm sorry! It... I just..."

With the day Dipper was having he had very little patience for anything let alone hearing someone try to stutter out an excuse.

"Well?! Out with it! I haven't got all day you know!"

"Hey! You be nice to my daddy!"

"What?"

From behind Pat's leg a little girl appeared, wearing little overalls with a red and yellow striped shirt.

"My daddy is really nice and fun so you should be nice to him!"

Dipper needed a moment to pick his jaw up off the floor. "Pat, tell me I'm not seeing what I think I'm seeing! Tell me this isn't your four year old daughter!"

Pat picked the little girl up and held her with one arm. "Yeah, sorry. This is my daughter, little Sarah."

"Man, this is the REDDEST of red flags right here! We have a literal...." Dipper stopped mid-sentence when he noticed he had the four year old's undivided attention. "You-know-what on board!! How could you let this happen?!"

"I'm sorry, but this wasn't my fault! She must have slipped away from the government agent I left her with..."

"He was no fun!" Sarah pipped.

"Not now, Sweetie. Anyways, she must have snuck on before we left the station. That's why I stopped the train; her little game of hide and seek was up when I accidentally stumbled upon her. I was so shocked..."

"Pat!" Dipper held up his hand. "You don't have to explain anymore than that. I'll explain to the others what happened but you have to get this train up and running. Especially with our little stow away on board, every second she's on the same train as that... 'thing' is a moment of danger for her; so we need to get to our destination faster than ever now, understand?"

"Yes sir!"

Dipper started his way back letting out an exhausted sigh. How was he supposed to explain this?

Omake

A lone figure sat in a booth patiently waiting for his friend to arrive. A pixie waitress flew down to him with a mini pen and pad. "Ready to order, Big Shot?"

"Thanks, but I'm waiting for my friend to arrive."

"Is this 'friend', famous like you?"

"Sort of. He definitely doesn't have my magnetic personality."

The door suddenly opened with a slam and man was seen panting out of breath in the door way.

"HEY!!" a cyclops yelled from inside the kitchen. "CLOSE THE DOOR!! YOU'RE LETTING ALL THE COLD AIR IN!!!"

This person closed the door but quietly muttered "I AM the cold air.".

"That's him now! We'll take a couple of milkshakes, if you got'em."

"Two milkshakes, coming up!"

"Thanks Doll!"

The man sat down at the booth.

"Jack Frost as I live and breathe. You've seen better days."

"It's these snow women man! I've bitten off WAY more than I can chew, which is why I've asked you to come here."

"Sorry, can't help you!"

"What?! Come on! YOU'RE YOU!! Only you, and maybe Dipper, can help me!"

"Who's Dipper?"

"He's a detective, deals in our type of messes. That's not important right now, right now you have to tell me why you can't solve my problem! Just make'em go away man!"

"Can't. I have my own problem stopping me from solving your problem. Actually, now that I think about it... a detective is exactly what I need right now! What did you say his name was?"

"Pines. Detective Dipper Pines. He also has this cute little number following him arou..."

"PINES?!" He stood up. "You have to be kidding me!!"

"You know about the Pines family? I thought they'd be... below your radar."

"Know them?! Yeah I know them!! And I know they're nothing but trouble!!"

"Sit down, calm down. Come on, our milkshakes are here."

A couple of rainbow colored milkshakes in glass cups floated down to the table.

*SLURP!*

"There, now don't you feel better?"

"I guess... I'm sorry, just thinking about those Pines makes me so angry!!"

"Well you have to ask yourself a question, pal. What's more important; your hang up with the Pines or solving your problem?"

"...Sigh. I guess beggars can't be choosers! Oh!"

"'Oh' what?"

The man pointed to the window. "Looks like your fanclub found you Jack."

Jack turned to the window and saw the three snow women pressed up against the glass. One of them even managed to draw a heart on the window with her finger.

"AAAACK!!!" Jack screamed in terror as he fell out of his seat crashing to the floor.

"It looks like they have diamond rings on their fingers. Did you...?"

"THEY MADE THEIR OWN!!!"

Chapter Text

Dipper stood in front of the door to their compartment and took a deep breath before knocking.

Calm down, Dipper. You know you have a habit of over thinking things. Artie and Pacifica are probably just talking business, no need at all to make assumptions about them being alone together. Wait a minute. Baba Yaga is with them! She is a literal third wheel! Heh. Not that it matters!'

Dipper opened the door to find Artie and Pacifica laughing like they were old friends while Baba Yaga sat bitterly on the floor.

*POP!*

'What the...? I didn't even know I was holding a pen!! What happened?'

"Oh Dipper, Pacifica was just telling me about an adventure you two kids had as kids with the... what did you call it?"

"The Face Stealer! You remember the Face Stealer adventure right Dipper?"

"Of course." Dipper entered the compartment and sat down. "You said that my head wasn't that big and I told you that you were more than your cover." Dipper smiled wistfully. "And all before my thirteenth birthday party."

Pacifica let out a small smile and blushed shyly.

Artie looked back and forth between the faces Dipper and Pacifica wore and narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

Well played, Dipper. Well played.'

"So!" Artie startled his fellow travelers with his sudden outburst. "Dipper! What was with the sudden stop? Did the conductor have an excuse for it or what?"

"Right... This is some very 'delicate' information so I'm going to need to tell you both about it one at a time. Pacifica, you're up first!"

Pacifica nodded and followed Dipper out the door.

Artie sighed as he watched them leave. "I guess that just leaves me and--HEY!!!"

Baba Yaga had her mouth opened impossibly wide and was aiming to take a bite out of Artie's leg. Now that Artie had realized what she was trying to do he gave her a swift kick to the head. With her head on the ground Artie pulled out his gun and aimed it at her.

"Do NOT give me an excuse to use this on you!!"

"Aw come on! I'm used to being overlooked but not ignored!!"

"I beat you before, don't think I can't do it again!"

"...YOU THREW A CRUCIFIX AT MY FACE!!!"

"Yes!! And it worked!!! PRAISE JESUS!!!"

"Okay Dipper, I think we're far enough away to talk without worrying about anyone."

"Right, Pacifica...we have a 'stowaway'."

"Who?"

"The conductor's little four year old girl."

"WHAT?!"

"Pacifica..."

"We have a LITERAL child eater on board!!"

"I know! I know!! Just calm down! I told the conductor not to stop the train until we reach our destination."

"Great! Go get Artie and I'll tell him too!"

"Actually I think I'll tell Artie."

"Huh? But..."

Pacifica held up her hand halting his objection.

"Artie and I already talked about this and he made me realize a couple things. Short version is: It is your turn to spend some time with our crazy captive."

Dipper sighed in defeat. "Fine."

"But before any of that, I have a question I'd like to ask you."

"Um... okay?"

"Why won't you let Artie meet Mabel? I never pegged you for being an over protective brother before. What's the deal?"

"Are you kidding me?! Just because she grew out of her boy crazy phase doesn't mean she isn't a crazy romantic! Remember the condom in the gift basket?"

Pacifica blushed awkwardly and rubbed her arm. "I try to forget... honestly."

"Then you see my point! A girl like Mabel with a flirt like Artie? She'd eat him alive!! I'm not doing this to protect Mabel from Artie, I'm doing this to protect Artie from Mabel!!"

Pacifica smiled a little more than she'd like to admit at his analysis than she would care to admit. Dipper saw this and decided to try and press his luck with it a little bit.

"It would be like trying to protect the Jurassic Park T-Rex from the chained up little goat."

Pacifica gave a small laugh but ushered for him to get a move on.

As he walked off Pacifica smiled at his back.

I wonder if he knows that talking to Artie is actually making me forgive him more?'

Dipper opened the compartment and sat down with a tired sigh.

"Uh... Dipper?"

Dipper point his thumb at the door. "She wants to be the one to tell you. My turn to stand guard."

Artie adjusted his tie. "Very well, if that's what the lady wants."

He was almost out the door when he suddenly stopped. "You know, she still speaks the world of you somehow."

"Really?"

"Somehow. I know that might be a little hard to believe right now but it is true. To me though, all this means is 'Game On'. May the best man win!"

With that he left out the door as Dipper sat there and bitterly fumed.

"Heh, heh, heh." The quiet cackling was a swift reminder to Dipper he was not alone in the compartment.

"What are you so happy about, Wart Face?!"

"You think you can keep it secret from me by staying quiet about it, but I know!"

"Know what?"

"What you're trying to keep quiet! The secret you think I don't know about! I. Know."

"..."

"I am a child eater, I KNOW when one is nearby!"

"Don't think you'll get her!"

"Don't think I can't!"

*POW!*

"OW!!! Hitting me isn't going to change anything Flat Foot!"

"It'll help shut you up!!"

Back in the hallway...

"Are you kidding me?" Artie asked with the utmost seriousness in his voice. "A child? On this train? When we're transporting a 'you-know-what'?!"

"I know! Dipper said he was going to have the conductor keep the train moving until we get to New York!"

"There's no need for that! I have a much better idea, but we're going to have to move farther up the train!"

Pacifica raised an eyebrow at him.

"Okaaaay..."

Pacifica followed Artie down two to three cars so they were basically in the dinning car now.

"Now watch this!"

Artie held down two buttons on his wrist watch and... well that's about it. He just stood there holding down two buttons on his watch.

"...Is something supposed to happen?"

"You might have to give it a minute or two. We're moving really fast and this thing was far away to begin with."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

*HONK!**HONK!*

"There it is."

"What the...?"

Pacifica saw Artie's car through the car window; just flying next to the train keeping pace with it. Yes, it was flying as some kind of jet car complete with jet wings and turbines.

"I told you my car was impressive!"

"If your car is this fast then why are we even BOTHERING with the train?!"

"Because flight mode is also when the car is the most vulnerable and believe it or not I've made more than a few enemies who can fly! Point is, we can just hop in the car and get the little girl some place safe! It also burns up the fuel like you wouldn't believe! And it sacrifices radar stealth for-you know what?! Just don't over think it!"

"How about we stop the train before we do any 'hopping'?"

A lot of snark this one!' thought Artie.

"Wait... Didn't Dipper say something about the missiles in your car being like unsafe or something?"

"Oh pish posh! You know how Dipper likes to overthink things!" As Artie started to droll on he failed to notice his car starting to lose speed.

*KABOOOOOOOOOOM!!!*

Artie quickly snapped his head behind him to see his car missing. "Uh-oh!"

Both he and Pacifica darted to the window. "No. No! No!! No!!!"

The explosion had taken out a chunk of the train behind them.

"DIPPER!!!" Pacifica shouted.

The two immediately raced back to where Dipper was.

"If anything happens to that nerd I'll never forgive myself!!" Artie swore.

Pain.

This was the first thing Dipper noticed. Usually, not a good sign. Every part of him hurt but mostly his head. It was swimming and... was it wet?

What happened?'

Dipper tried to think back to what happened but this made the pain in his head feel worse. He tried to think of anything! More pain.

Darkness.

This was the second thing he noticed. It then occurred to him that he had his eyes closed.

'Probably best to open them.' Dipper mused. 'Not going to get anywhere like this.'

Dipper painfully opened his eyes to see Pacifica's concerned face staring back at him. Before he could say anything though, Pacifica threw her arms around him in a desperate hug.

"Thank God!! I thought we lost you there for a second!"

"Don't scare us like that, mate!" Artie scolded.

Dipper was leaning up against the wall in the hallway, sitting on the floor. He took a moment to observe his surroundings and he saw further down the hallway there was a good chunk of the train missing. A giant gaping hole where you could see telephone poles whizzing by.

"Uh, Pacifica?" Artie called. "I think we have another problem."

Artie held up the remains of his sack, the hole entrance and looked through it. "Our prisoner is on the loose."

"Do you think she's still on the train?"

"I don't know. We have to look though. Dipper, you stay here and rest while Pacifica and I search the train for our prisoner."

"Why do you keep calling us that?"

"...Calling you what?"

"Dipper and Pacifica. Like any sane parent would actually choose to call their child that?"

Artie and Pacifica stared at Dipper in terrified shock. Artie even dropped the remains of his sack.

Pacifica held Dipper's face in her hands so he had to look at her in the face.

"Dipper, look at me! I need you to think on this! Do you remember me?"

".....No."

All the color drained from Pacifica's face. She whispered the word "No!" under her breath and swallowed a lump in her throat.

"Do you remember who YOU are?"

".........No!"

Artie swore and Pacifica sent him a quick glare before returning her focus back to Dipper.

"Do you remember anything?!"

"...............No!!"

Omake

Pacifica pulled Dipper in to a hug.

"This is all my fault!!" Artie swore. Then a thought crossed the immigration officer's mind. "If you really have amnesia then you should know that you have always looked up to me and every time we've competed with each other I have successfully thrashed you!"

Artie got a couple of stares from his fellow train riders. One of disbelief and one of annoyance.

"Okay, I might not have my memory but somehow I absolutely KNOW that's bull!"

"Bugger!"

Chapter Text

Pacifica was inspecting the wounds on Dipper's head.

"I only know nursing, I'm no doctor but I don't think you have a concussion. We should still try to play it safe though. Your head is bleeding but we shouldn't ignore the rest of your body. Now tell me, where does it hurt?"

"Everywhere, but not as badly as my head."

"Okay, where on your head? You're bleeding wounds are small but there might be more damage I'm simply not seeing. Where does it hurt the most?"

"Everywhere. The whole head."

While Pacifica was diagnosing Dipper's head wounds, Artie was busy kicking himself.

'You run in to the one friend you can have in this job and what do you do? You blow him up! Typical you!! A pair of decent legs walks on the scene and everything else fades away!'

"Not good! Your head is bleeding! Artie, do you have anything I can use as a bandage?"

*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!*

"Your sleeve?"

Artie seemed like the type of man who would care about looking as dashing as possible. Pacifica couldn't find a spec of dust on him nor a loose thread anywhere. It was obviously a sharp tux he wore for himself.

"This whole thing is my fault. It is the very least I can do..."

Pacifica wrapped Dipper's head with the makeshift bandage.

"Soooo..." Dipper started out. "I'm trusting you guys are my friends, right?"

"Yes, my name is Arthur but my friends call me Artie."

"Are we in England?"

"...No."

"And my name is Pacifica." Pacifica finished wrapping his head and helped him to his feet. "We... work together."

"Really? What do we do?"

"Well... we travel around the country solving mysteries and fighting monsters."

"Monsters?" Dipper scoffed.

"Monsters." assured Pacifica.

"Oh............. And all three of us do this?"

"Not quite. Afraid I'm just visiting." explained Artie.

"Oh." Dipper focused his attention on Pacifica. "Then I guess it's just you and me then, huh? Do we usually travel by train?"

"Well... no... We usually travel around together in an RV."

"Alone?"

"...Yes."

"Together?"

"Yes!"

"Just the two of us?"

"...Yes...?"

"So are we... you and I... like together-together? Because you ARE really pretty."

Pacifica blushed furiously and started to pet her hair.

"What?! NO!! W-w-We're just friends!! Stop looking at me!!"

How could he say something like that to me?! Am I petting my hair?! I don't do that! I never do that!! Ooooooooh I can't look at him!!'

"Okay!" Artie interjected. "Not that this isn't cute... but I think there's still an elephant in the room we need to address."

Artie held up the remains of the bag with the utmost serious look on his face. "Dipper isn't safe right now! We have a convict on the loose!!"

"You're right! We have to get Dipper some place safe! I wouldn't forgive myself he got hurt like this!"

'Figures! Dipper becomes my deadliest competition for a woman when he can't remember who he is!'

"Normally I'd say put him back in the RV buuuut..." Artie looked at the giant gaping hole behind them. "I don't think we can get to the caboose."

"Hey, wait a minute! Are we even sure she's still on the train? That seems like a pretty good escape route to me!"

"Not to fear my dear! Dipper wasn't the only one with paperwork, I did my research too!"

"I had paperwork?" asked Dipper.

"Well..." Artie looked at the hole. "HAD paperwork. And a box of pens." Artie placed his hand on Dipper's shoulder. "I'm sorry for your loss!"

Dipper gave him a confused look before Artie turned back to the hole.

"The train has it's own private force field designed to keep intruders out and prisoners in!"

Artie picked up a broken piece of pipe and chucked it through the hole only to have it bounce off a blue flickering wall of light.

"And yet the explosion still blew off a piece of the train?!"

"Well it wasn't designed for explosions! If you really have a problem with it, then ask the inventor to upgrade it."

"McGucket is dead."

"Oh..."

"Wait, couldn't we use the force field to the other side of the hole?"

"Bad idea. It is only designed to block and deflect, we probably shouldn't press our luck with it."

"Right..."

Pacifica turned back to Dipper.

"Dipper, we're going to have to ask you to stay in one of these compartments until we can capture the Baba Yaga."

"But what if something tries to get me while you guys are away?"

"Well technically you are armed but you don't remember how to use any of your weapons..."

"I have weapons?" Dipper quickly dug in to one of his pockets. "OW!!!" And found the pointed end of his dagger.

He pulled it out and looked at incredulously. "Is this a dinosaur fang?! Why does it have a rubber handle glued to it? And more importantly, WHY would I keep it in my pocket that way?!" Dipper turned it upside down and stuck it back inside where it poked a hole in the bottom of his pocket. "Oh..... I guess that makes sense."

Pacifica lowered her eyelids halfway. "Been there."

Artie tossed Dipper his hat. "Here! You're not really complete without a hat!"

Dipper looked at his fedora and frowned. "Why is my hat gay?"

"What?"

"My hat. It is gay. I mean literally gay, it has a pink dot on it which immediately draws the eyes straight to it."

"Gay???" Pacifica's voice cracked. Dipper felt a twinge in his heart with Pacifica's heart broken question.

"How is it gay? Look at that stitching! It is FLAWLESS!"

"It is pink! Explain to me what's hetero about it! Why is it even important that I wear it?!"

Pacifica rolled her eyes and pulled out a compact mirror and lifted Dipper's bangs to show him his birthmark.

"Wait. What is... WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FOREHEAD?!"

"That's your birthmark, Dummy."

"THAT'S my birthmark?! So then that's why people call me Dipper......No wonder I wear a hat. Oh! So is there a reason why you're called Pacifica?"

Pacifica closed her compact with a sudden *SNAP!* "No! I am called Pacifica because that is the name my parents gave me when I was born!"

".....Oh. Is it the hole or did it just get a lot colder in here?"

Pacifica narrowed her eyes at Dipper with an ice cold glare. "It's not the hole."

"I'm sorry!" Dipper blurted out.

Pacifica hung her head in defeat. "I can't stay mad at you. Not when you're like this at least."

"Alright!" Artie pipped up. "That's enough cute for now. Dipper, in to the compartment! We'll help you with your gun."

"I have a gun?!"

Crawling around the air vent, Baba Yaga paused as heard noise from up ahead. Escaping the train was harder than she thought, the explosion was a blessing in disguise but that stupid blue wall... thingy was keeping her on the train. She crawled ahead to where she heard the noises and looked through the grating to see Dipper and the others standing in the compartment together.

"Oh great! These jerks again!" she grumbled.

"And you're sure we're not 'together'?" Dipper asked Pacifica. "Because I feel really happy when I look at you."

This observation caused a furious blush with Pacifica while Artie, with his arms crossed, tapped his elbow with his index finger impatiently.

"Dipper, I told you. We. Are. Just. Friends."

"And that's all? Why not more? I don't understand."

"Dipper!" Artie snapped. "If you were faking this amnesia, you WOULD tell me right?!"

"I don't know! Would I? You tell me!" Dipper snapped back.

Artie hung his head and sighed in defeat. "Yes you would."

Pacifica dug in to Dipper's coat and pulled out his gun. "Time for training."

"He has amnesia?" Baba Yaga mused. And evil grin formed on her face, so large it seemed to be physically impossible. "How very 'interesting'."

Omake

Pacifica helped Dipper hold his gun ignoring the close proximity between them.

"Okay, just relax, take aim, and pull the trigger!"

*PLFT*

The whip rolled out of the barrel and flopped on to the floor.

"That's okay." comforted Pacifica. "I did that my first time too."

"You forgot to adjust the dial." explained Artie.

Chapter Text

Pacifica and Artie walked through the dining car, staring up at the hanging banjos from the ceiling.

"I admit it. I had some doubts on this 'McGucket' being a hillbilly at first but now... I believe it entirely with all of my being."

"Artie I don't like this."

"Well, okay. Banjos aren't what I would call good dining decorations but..."

"Not that!! I mean leaving Dipper alone. I don't like it! He's vulnerable! Exposed!!"

"Oh. Well I don't like it either but that's all the more reason why we need to find our prisoner! The sooner she's detained the safer Dipper will be!"

"I know you're right. Just... with Dipper not remembering anything I can't help but worry... I'm afraid for him."

"Me too, which brings me to something else I've been meaning to talk to you about. About my offer..."

"...I..."

"It still stands! I just want you to know that if you decide to stay with Dipper, I won't think any less of you. The two of you obviously have a history together."

"Well there has been a bunch of adventures I never told you about. Like when I met his parents, that time we got shrunk to the size of ants inside a green house, or when we had to fight the Fish-Man of Manfish Not-Actually-A-Real-Lagoon."

"I'm sorry, the Fish-Man of what?"

"It was just a really big lake, they wanted it to have a fancy name to attract tourists."

"Oh."

"Now let's see... There was also that bit with the elves and the logging company, I still think that princess had a thing for Dipper. Then there's the time I saved him from a siren and the time he saved me from a vampire count, those were one adventure by the way; or when Dipper found a magic laser shooting sword, on that day we learned that 'magic' and 'indestructible' were not the same thing... sad. We also saved Santa Claus once, I learned two things that adventure... there are different types of elves and Santa is actually real. Who knew?"

"I did. The man always has his paper work for his global travel. I'm not impressed often but that man astounds me with his preparedness."

"They were crazy adventures but I think our most special adventure which we never talk about was when a Japanese programmer came to us asking us to find his A.I. which escaped to the internet. Apparently Dipper's childhood friend/handyman Soos bought her game when he was twelve and she saved a copy of herself on the internet. Something about how Soos didn't turn off the computer before he ejected the game... I don't know! I think her name was 'Giffany'? I'm not sure, I didn't really care for her. I will always remember the moment she left though."

Flashback

Giffany appeared on a screen with a flirtatious smile on her lips. "Before I go, a thought occurred to me. Technically you are the correct age to buy my game now so..."

"Giffany," Dipper cut her off. "Do you know a 'MAGNET gun' is?"

"..." Giffany smiled innocently. "Leaving!"

*ZZZAP!*

"Yeah that's what I thought! Good riddance!" breathed Dipper.

"The hussy!" Pacifica barked.

"What?!"

"What? I didn't say anything. Come on! We gonna hit the road or what?"

End Flashback

"Of course all these adventures were so fantastic and unique that they aren't worth mentioning a second time or even revisiting for any reason at all!"

"...Fair enough."

Dipper's compartment...

Dipper had fallen asleep and had his head resting against the wall. With drool dribbling down his mouth an occasional word would slip out of his mouth, like "train..." or "Gravity Falls..." or "pocket..." and rarely "dice?"

Had he been awake he would have seen the screws to the grate of the air vent started to unscrew themselves. The grate fell to the ground quickly followed by Baba Yaga.

She picked herself up, dusted herself down, and noticed that Dipper was STILL asleep.

"Well someone's a heavy sleeper."

She walked right over to him and gave him a quick strike across the face.

"AAAGH!!!"

"Yeah, that's the usual reaction people have to my face."

Dipper pulled out his gun and aimed it at her. "Y-Y-You stay away from me! I know exactly who you are! You're that witch prisoner and..."

"Oh put that pee shooter away. You don't even know how to use it!"

"Do too!! My friends walked me through it!"

Dipper pulled the trigger only for nothing to happen. "Huh?!" He started to smack the bottom of the handle. "What is thing, jammed?!"

What Dipper didn't know was that it was actually a problem with the dial. It was selected to the line in between two choices, it rarely happens and when it does Dipper usually rectifies it quickly and easily. This time though, Dipper didn't know this nor how to fix it since he had amnesia so he continued to smack until...

*PLOOT!*

A goop blast shot out of the gun to the surprise of everyone sticking to the roof at an angle.

"See? Do not. And what you don't know is those 'friends' of yours aren't actually your friends."

"Oh yeah, like I'm really going to take the word of witch who is ALSO a convicted felon!"

"Of course! I mean, you work for me after all!"

"That is the biggest load I have ever heard... I assume."

"I can prove it! Check your wallet! Your license!"

Dipper did just as she told but nothing 'magical' happened.

"What about it?"

"Do you see the words 'Dipper' on it anywhere? I mean what does it actually say your name is?"

"It says my name is Mason."

"Exactly! And you're supposed to believe that everyone, yourself included, choose to call you Dipper? I mean, that's just plain mean!"

Dipper closed his wallet and eyed her suspiciously.

"Alright, you make a fair point. You have my attention."

Pat held his daughter tight in his arms as he listened to his passengers fill him in on the situation.

"Oh my..."

"Jellybeans!" his daughter finished his saying.

"Listen, as long as you stay here in the engine room then you should be fine." Pacifica explained.

"Don't worry, though. We'll find her before our trip is over, and your daughter will never even notice the danger." assured Artie.

"Naturally you should only open the door to us, just stay in here until at least one of us comes back."

Pat hugged his daughter a little tighter. "Okay, I promise! We won't leave this room!"

"Okay, good!"

Artie and Pacifica left the car the started their trek back.

"Do you think we should have told him about Dipper?" Pacifica asked.

"Quite frankly I don't see what good it do. Especially since Dipper's staying put where he is."

"Sounds like bullshit to me!" snapped Dipper.

"I'm serious!" snapped back Baba Yaga. "You're my slave, the explosion was caused by those other two when you tried to free me, and now they're trying to take advantage of your amnesia by bringing you over to their side! What's not to understand about that?"

"And how do I know YOU'RE not lying? Huh? Can you answer me that?!"

"What's more likely? That you work for me? Or you travel around the country in nothing but an RV solving magical mysteries with a blonde woman who you are only friends with... who you live with?"

"... Well when you put it like that..."

"Oh. And you CHOOSE to wear that hat? With the pink dot? Which causes people to question your sexuality?"

"...I really don't feel any love for that dot."

"Yeah, that's just a mean trick on their part."

"I don't know... I feel really happy when I look at that Pacifica lady."

"Congratulations! You want to bone her! You truly are unworthy of that pink dot."

"Not that kind of happy! Well, okay a little bit of that kind of happy, but just honest genuine happiness too!"

".... Okay so I guess you have a crush too then, don't you?"

"Maybe so. Your story is still hard to believe though..."

"Oh? So you still doubt my claim?"

"Yeah!!"

"I can prove it! In the pocket opposite to your dagger you will find a book. In that book is information about the monsters, monsters which we try to avoid. Did your 'friends' ever mention that?"

Dipper pulled out the book and flipped through it. It was incredibly detailed, too detailed to leave out.

'And what you don't know is that I saw you flipping through that book before the explosion. If they were too distraught to bring it up then that is THEIR fault!'

"No... they didn't even bring it up." Dipper sadly admitted.

"Then you know the truth. In to the vent, there is a child I wish to devour!"

Artie and Pacifica walked down the hallway to Dipper's compartment feeling a tad exasperated.

"I can't believe we didn't see that stupid witch on either of our trips." complained Artie.

"I know, but at least now we can keep an eye on Dipper and help him recover."

Pacifica started to slide the door open. "Dipper we're..."

The sight of the empty compartment was like a cold knife plunged in to Pacifica's soul.

"...No!"

Chapter Text

Baba Yaga crawled through the vent, Dipper traveling close behind her.

"Are you still hemming and hawing back there?!"

"Yes, Ma'am. I'm just thinking about those two other guys... I liked them... Pacifica... Especially Pacifica."

"Yesh! The puppy love is strong in this one! Well get them out of your head, those two are the enemy! Why else would be traveling through a vent?"

"Because you're disgusting?"

"...No! So we can move undetected! Mamma wants her babyback ribs!"

"But it takes so long, if we didn't bother this route in the first place we probably would have already gotten the kid by now!"

"...Don't question my methods slave!!"

Meanwhile...

"DIPPER!!! DIPPER!!! DIPPER!!!" Pacifica shouted as she looked frantically around the room for Dipper.

"Pacifica, calm down!"

"Do NOT tell me that its alright! Dipper is missing! He doesn't know who he is and with that witch on the loose..."

"Whoa! Whoa! Calm down!" Artie grabbed her hands. "Think. We've already been searching the train for the Baba Yaga, and on our search we didn't see Dipper, right? So that means he must be in the one place we didn't search. The caboose!"

"That... makes sense!"

"Right then, let's go get our friend!"

Heading out they didn't have to walk far to reach the hole in the train.

"Okay, so if we can't walk on the force field then how are we suppose to cross this hole?" asked Pacifica.

"I think I have the answer to this one, see that expose pipe up there?" Artie pointed to piece of pipe sticking out of the roof in the hole. "That looks sturdy enough for us to swing across, I'll go first to test it then you can go if it is safe!"

Pacifica was about to ask 'how' when Artie took off his necktie and lassoed the loop around the pipe. With a mighty jump he leapt across and much to Pacifica's surprise the necktie stretched allowing Artie to reach the other side.

"I know you're worried about Dipper, but have a little faith in him. I've known him for years, and while he isn't always the most sensible when it comes to the fairer sex, the one thing you can count on is his ability to get out of a tight jam."

Artie tossed the necktie back to Pacifica.

His words sunk in and Pacifica calmed down a little. Holding the necktie, Pacifica walked back a little before getting a running start for her jump. The swing was a little easier than she was expecting so figured maybe now was a time to strike up a little conversation.

"You know, it actually took a few adventures for Dipper to tell me his real name is Mason?"

"DIPPER'S REAL NAME IS MASON?!"

Artie's sudden exclamation wouldn't have been anything to write home about if it wasn't for the fact he shouted it as he caught her. In other words, he did it right in her ear.

"...Sorry. That one caught me by surprise." apologized Artie. "You did good with the swing though, you didn't even need to say 'Ha!'."

He put her down and they headed towards the caboose.

"Seriously though, I've known Dipper for years and he's still never told me something like that. He must think a whole lot about you!"

"Well," Pacifica humbly began. "To be fair, I have known him a lot longer than you."

"Fair enough."

Artie entered the caboose but whispered under his breath "But seriously, Mason?! What the f***?!"

Meanwhile...

"Okay, we get out here!" announced Baba Yaga.

She kicked a grate out and dropped down to the floor below; Dipper soon followed.

"Why here of all places?"

"Simple, slave. End of the car!"

To their right was the door leading to the next car.

"So this is how we're gonna be moving up the car? Traveling in the vents until we reach the door?"

"Of course! Each car, has their own ventilation system and since none of them are connected this is the best way to do it!"

"Elaborate way to do it!" Dipper grumbled.

"Oh wait! You have amnesia right? Okay, so this thing here is called a 'doooooooooorknob'!"

"I know what a doorknob is! I only can't remember my past I still remember everything else!" Dipper snapped.

Pacifica was absolutely frantic. Dipper was nowhere to be found, he wasn't in the RV or in any of the surrounding area inside the caboose.

"Dipper!!! Dipper!!"

Of course this didn't stop Pacifica from having a panic attack.

"DIPPER!!!"

"Oh geez, how am I supposed to bring her back down to Earth for this one? Time to wing it I guess... Pacifica!!"

He grabbed her by the shoulders to calm her down but when he looked her in the face she looked about ready to slap him.

"Don't tell me to calm down!! We already searched the searched the rest of the train and he isn't anywhere!!"

"You're right! Okay? This is bad; but because we haven't seen him we can assume our worst fears are accurate! He's probably with Baba Yaga!"

"And exactly how is that supposed to make me feel better?!"

"It isn't! But this tells us two things! One.) He's safe. If Baba Yaga was going to hurt or kill him she would have let us know somehow. And Two.) If we find her, then we find Dipper!"

"And what if he isn't with her?"

Artie took a step back. "...He'll be with her!" He adjusted his tie and headed to the door. "He has to be..."

Dipper and the Baba Yaga were traveling in yet another vent but one of these two was starting to feel fed up with the lengthy journey.

"Why are there so many cars?!" Baba Yaga snapped.

"I don't know. It's almost as if some higher force was extremely vague about the exact number of cars for the sole purpose of there being as many as needed for the sake of purely fictional works."

Baba Yaga turned to Dipper with a raised eyebrow. "My, didn't you get awfully specific there?"

"Yeah, sorry. I think that explosion took more out of me than I thought."

"I'll allow it this time. Just be sure there are no more concussions in the future... or else! Now let's keep it moving, I'm hungry!"

"Your teeth are made of glass! How do you even 'eat' kids?"

"Well to actually munch and crunch them I need my cauldron and special recipe. Eating them raw however is different. You see, I place them inside my mouth, then when I close my glass teeth cut and pierce their body letting their blood flow down in to my mouth."

"That sounds horrible!!"

"Oh yes. I assure you, it is a very slow and painful death."

Baba Yaga didn't slow for even a moment but Dipper had stopped moving.

"...Oh my God. Is this really my life?"

Dipper dropped through the vent where Baba Yaga was waiting for him next to the door.

"Ready for the next car?"

"I guess..."

Baba Yaga opened the door and she and Dipper entered the rare space in between the cars.

The speed of the train blew Dipper's hat off sending it flying away.

"Oh no..." Dipper whispered with mock urgency. "My gay hat... Come back."

Dipper started to smile at the lost of his hat when Baba Yaga suddenly pulled him in to the next car.

Pacifica came out of yet another compartment.

"He's not in that one either."

"To the next car then. I know you're worried; I am too, but to take you mind at ease why don't I tell you about the first time I met Dipper."

"... Alright. Fair enough."

"When I first met Dipper, we didn't like each other at all. I was tracking down a Kappa who was stalking a Japanese family who moved to America. Dipper was hired by the town to solve the problem as well so like it or not we had to work together. And trust me we didn't."

"What do you mean?"

Artie opened the door for Pacifica and she lead the way to the next car.

"We both felt like we weren't getting the proper respect from the other so we started bitterly compete on capturing the creature instead of teaming up right away."

"That sounds like it was counter productive."

"Oh it was. Because of all of our bickering that thing got the better of us more times then I would care to admit. Eventually we agreed to just team up to get it over with, it was a very labored collaboration but it worked."

"And then you were friends?"

"Nope. The Kappa was all dried out and then when I was loading it up in to my trunk it started to rain and escaped. It took shelter in this lake away from the town and Dipper just so happened to have taken up camp next to it. So we teamed up a second time!"

"And that's what got you to be friends?"

"Yes actually. After our first team up, we understood each other a little better and halted whatever bitterness we felt towards each other. This second one, however, showed us how well we worked together and complimented our strengths. So, with Dipper's help, we beat the Kappa a second time and I got it shipped on the first cargo flight back to Japan. Then we hit the town, and had a proper guys night out; we even sung Collision of Worlds at a karaoke bar. And then, he offered me a job as his partner."

"Wait! You were Dipper's first pick after Mabel?"

Artie stood proud as Pacifica gaped in shock.

"That's right! I turned him down because I thought he should come with me instead! Oh we bickered about it like children but we ultimately decided to agree to disagree and respect the other person's decision."

"...Wow."

"You know what? I just got an idea, we should split up. You should head back to Dipper's compartment and look for clues while I continue our search! I have this nagging suspicion that we missed something important."

Pacifica scowled. "Why do I have to be the one to go back?!"

"Your eye is sharper. Even Dipper admits that."

"Fine! I'll go but if I find out Dipper got into even more trouble while I was gone then it is going to be on your head!!"

"... Fair enough."

Omake

Dipper traveled out to the last space between the cars, the engine car was finally next. The space was narrower though, and the wind that much harsher than in the others. There was something banging his leg in his trench coat pocket though, he dug it out held up a key.

"I wonder what this is supposed to go to?"

"AHA!!!"

At Baba Yaga's sudden exclamation Dipper accidentally flung the key out of his hands and down to the speeding rails below.

"I hope that wasn't something important. Meh. I'll probably be better off without it." Dipper mused.

"This is definitely where the child is." Baba Yaga jiggled the handle. "The door is locked..." She turned to Dipper. "You wouldn't happen to have a key would you?"

"...Well not anymore."

Chapter Text

*KNOCK!**KNOCK!**KNOCK!*

Pat looked to the door and then down to his daughter. Dipper could be seen through the window, he looked injured though.

"Okay Sweetie, I need you to go to the far corner and stay there while I talk with Detective Pines."

"Can I pull on the whistle?"

"...No."

Pat delicately opened the door and stuck his head out. "Dipper? Is everything alright? I thought I heard..."

*WHACK!*

Baba Yaga dropped down from the roof holding a dented vent grate.

"Knocking them on the noggin, that's nature's snooze button. Remember that slave!"

"Ma'am, I still don't like this! This whole scenario just feels wrong!"

"Well, slave, that's only because you don't remember how awful you actually are. I don't enslave just anybody you know? You'd probably get your memories back if we were back at my house. Oh how I miss it with the giant chicken feet underneath it for a speedy get away."

"...What?"

"Never mind. Listen, I'm going to go on ahead to the caboose. You meet me there with the brat in fifteen minutes. I like to eat in privacy and I have a feeling that if all three of us try to get there at the same time then we'll get caught."

"Why not just eat her here?"

"Puh-LEASE! I do like some form of privacy when I eat. Now I to have to go vent crawling again since I don't have my cauldron and broom to row through the air."

"...Are you making that one up?"

"You wish!"

"What if those other guys show up?"

"Well then I guess you're just going to have to get a little rough with them, won't you?"

"Oh..."

Dipper hung his head at Baba Yaga's intent. The witch ignored Dipper's clearly bothered emotions and entered the car.

Artie entered the next car just barely missing the tiny sound of Baba Yaga entering the vents for the compartments.

"I'm almost at the engine. If that's where Dipper is... I fear the worst. Please be in one of these compartments Dipper!"

Pacifica was in the compartment they had originally left Dipper in begrudgingly searching for clues. So far all she found was Dipper's gun which made her more frustrated with the problem.

"Stupid Dipper going missing! Stupid ARTIE making me do this instead of him! No! No, this is all Baba Yaga's fault! That's who to blame! If she wasn't such a FREAK this whole problem wouldn't have started in the first place!"

Pacifica had to admit, her bitter attitude wasn't helping her search. She just needed a moment to take a breath, calm down, and find her footing.

"If Dipper was here, what would he tell me to do?" Pacifica pondered.

After a moment or two of thinking Pacifica found herself looking up and spotted the open ventilation. Of course, goop ball on the ceiling but that already stuck out like a sore thumb. The vent was, however, big enough for a person or two to crawl through.

"Of course! I mean it is a little cliche' but how else would they have been able to get by us?"

Pacifica played with the idea of crawling through the vents herself in hopes of finding Dipper but she ultimately pushed that thought away. If she came face to face with Baba Yaga in there then she would have no room to defend herself with her umbrella and be at Baba Yaga's mercy.

And while she was going to be intent on telling Artie of her discovery she was also going to be listening for sounds coming from the vents.

"I'm coming, Dipper!"

Artie entered the final compartment.

"Come on, Dipper ol' boy, be in this one!"

While he searched inside, unbeknownst to him Baba Yaga exited the vent in the compartment at the tail end of the car. She looked down at the hall to see Artie turning the whole compartment upside down in desperation and let out a little evil chuckle. With one final evil grin she opened the hall door and exited the car.

"Blast!!" swore Artie. "My only hope now is that I'm overthinking things like Dipper does and everything is fine." He adjusted his tie. "That's feasible right?"

Things were looking bad, Artie left the compartment and opened the door to the engine only to find Dipper on the other side holding a squirming Sarah!

"Oh!" Dipper took a couple steps back in to the engine car. "Hi Andy!"

"Artie!" Artie corrected as he took a couple of steps forward towards Dipper. "Tell me I'm not seeing this! Tell me you aren't trying to deliver that poor little girl to that monster!"

"Let me go, you Stink Brain!!" cried Sarah.

Dipper quickly positioned her so his hand was covering her mouth.

Artie's eyes darted to the corner of the room where Pat's unconscious body laid. "Did you knock out the conductor?!"

"No!! My mistress did." confessed Dipper.

"'Mistress'? You mean the witch?! Dipper, listen! I don't know what lies she told to turn your head but..."

"Lies?!" Dipper snapped. "She told me the truth! Like how my real name is Mason, why didn't you or 'Pacifica' ever tell me that?!"

"One! You don't let everybody know! Two! As far as I can tell, you prefer to be called Dipper!!"

"Oh yeah right! Like I would CHOOSE to have my friends call me 'Dipper' when they could be calling me by my real name! Explain that one Limey Smarty Pants!"

"I... Well..."

"And what about the monster book?! Huh? She told me about that one, where were you on that?!"

Dipper took a aggressive step forward and Artie took a step back.

"I... what use would..."

"Oh and let's not forget about the pretty blonde lady who everyone claims to have the name of 'Pacifica'!"

"Pacifica? What about he...?"

"That I'm 'Just Friends' with a woman who looks like that? I don't care how big that gay pink dot was, I'd have to be insane to be friendzoned with her BY CHOICE!"

Dipper took another step forward.

"Well, okay I grant that..."

"And YOU!"

Dipper took another two steps forward.

"Me?"

"Don't think I haven't seen the way you look at her! If you're really my friend then why are you trying to get her for yourself?!"

"I... wait... you..."

"Say whatever you like, but Baba Yaga's story of me working for her makes a lot more sense than that tornado of weirdness you and What's-Her-Real-Name tried to pitch at me!"

Dipper pushed Artie out of the way exited through the doorway.

*CLICK!*

Dipper turned around to see Artie pointing his special gun at him.

"I'm sorry you're upset, Dipper. I truly am! But I can't let you take that child away! Especially not if you're going to feed her to that monster!!"

Instead giving Artie any kind of answer he slammed the door on him and locked it.

"What?!" Artie was aghast by such an action. He tried the handle but when he found it locked he immediately went to Pat's body to search for keys.

A sudden knocking on the window alerted his attention. There at the door window was Dipper, twirling Pat's ring of keys on his fingers. Artie immediately raced to him but Dipper quickly darted off.

Dipper just entered the first car when he heard an explosion go off behind him. *BAKACHOOOM!* He turned around to see Artie with his gun smoking, the door was hanging off its hinges. The gun's triangle was folded down and the hole for the square was smoking.

"OH..." Dipper was about to swear but looked down at the squirming four year old in his arm. "... Poop."

He quickly closed the door to the car and raced down the hall. Artie almost immediately opened the door and took aim with his gun yet again.

"I don't want to do this! Don't MAKE me do this!!"

Artie had the perfect shot lined up but looking at Dipper's sympathetic face made it difficult to pull the trigger. Using Artie's hesitation, Dipper dashed through the next door closing it behind him.

"Blast!! DIPPER!!!"

Pacifica was in the dinning car now, staring up at the hanging banjos on the ceiling.

"You know, sights like this actually make me homesick for Gravity Falls."

The sound of a door opening alerted her to the opposite end of the dinning car. There was the Baba Yaga closing the door behind her.

"Oh!! Its you!"

"I knew I'd find you here at some point! There's no ventilation in this car!"

"Oh I'm so scared! Detective Barbie is going to rough me up!" mocked Baba Yaga.

Pacifica ignored the insult and got her umbrella at the ready.

"Where's Dipper?!"

"Oh you mean MY SLAVE? He's busy getting my 'pickup order'."

"What did you do to him?!"

"Oh nothing special, I just told him 'the truth'." Baba Yaga moved a little closer to the wall. "I will say I'm surprised you care though."

Pacifica absentmindedly lowered her umbrella a little. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Weren't you going to LEAVE him to be with that new ginger spice? Dipper hurt you didn't he? He earned your scorn so what should you care about what happens to him? He had it coming, right? It doesn't involve you because you'll be moving on to newer and better heights, right?"

"Dipper may have been a louse but..."

Pacifica was cut off as Baba Yaga pressed a big red button on the wall which released all of the hanging banjos on the ceiling. One of them managed to knock Pacifica's umbrella out of her hands leading Baba Yaga to make a mad dash for the opposite door.

Pacifica tried to grab her umbrella but got a banjo instead. When Baba Yaga ran pass her, Pacifica hurled the banjo at her tripping the witch up to send her crashing to the floor.

Pacifica stood up and held another banjo like it was a light saber.

"You're not going anywhere! That child is going to live to see tomorrow and I am going to get my Dipper back!"

Baba Yaga spat out a drop of blood, grabbed a banjo, and stood up opposite of Pacifica.

"Oh you think so? I have your 'Oh So Precious Dipper' convinced that two of you have been lying to him and that he works for me! He's convinced I'm his owner, his only TRUE friend in the world! Even you stop me, how can you expect to get YOUR Dipper back?"

"Amnesia is a funny thing! Anything can trigger his memories to come back! Anything from a familiar sight, sound, or smell to something as simple as another bump on the head! He maybe a little confused right now but my Dipper will come back to me! Even if its gradually over time!"

Baba Yaga put both hands on the banjo. "Well maybe I won't let you do that? Huh?! What are you going to do then?!"

Pacifica twirled the banjo with one hand.

"In that case, I guess I'm just going to have to embrace my inner Gravity Fallser..." she leapt in to the air holding her banjo over her head. "AND FIGHT YOU LIKE A HILLBILLY!!!"

She swung the banjo down but Baba Yaga just barely managed to block it with her own.

*TWANG!*

Pacifica twirled her banjo around single handed as she landed away from Baba Yaga. The witch gripped her banjo with both hands and swung it like a club at Pacifica but it was blocked nearly effortlessly.

*TWANG!*

"I'd never thought I'd say such a lowbrow thing but... My skills with the banjo are clearly superior!"

"We'll see about that!!"

*TWANG!**TWANG!**TWANG!**TWANG!**TWANG!*

Pacifica panted out of breath, her 'banjo saber' battle was exhausting but she clearly had the upper hand. The sound of a door opening caught both of their attention as Dipper had arrived with the struggling Sarah.

"Dipper!"

"Slave!"

"Blonde woman!"

"My name is Pacifica."

"I still don't buy that."

"You haven't really fallen for this witch's tricks have you?!"

"Tricks?! You mean about how I work for her as opposed to traveling around the country fighting monsters with a hot blonde woman who I am 'just friends' with? She told me my real name 'Pacifica'! My real name is MASON!! Where were you on that?!"

"What? I knew your name was Mason!!"

"But you chose not to tell me?! Yeah, that sounds believable!"

Pacifica motioned to Baba Yaga. "We had BIGGER things at the time to worry about. You still don't believe me? Look at this gun!"

Pacifica tossed Dipper's gun at his feet.

"Look at that thing! Product of McGucket Labs! Do you think I'm smart enough to know that works right off the bat?! No! You had to teach me!"

Dipper picked up the gun and eyed it suspiciously. It wasn't any different from last time but now he was giving it a critical look over. He put the gun in one of his pockets and glared at Pacifica.

"I don't know that! I can't know that! All I know is that you were keeping secrets from me and the witch actually has facts to back up her claims!"

"You have to trust me!"

"I don't 'have' to do anything you Stink Brain!"

"Stink Brain?" Pacifica repeated.

"I picked it up from the kid. I think it is an appropriate level of censored insult."

"I... Fine! Dipper, you still have to..."

Pacifica was cut off as Baba Yaga threw her banjo at her face. *BTWACK!*

"Keep running, slave!!" Baba Yaga screamed. "We have to make a break for it!!"

Baba Yaga and Dipper dashed past Pacifica towards the exit. She was still recovering so it took her a moment to realize exactly what was happening. She reached out to grab Dipper by the trench coat but slipped on another banjo. *BTWONG!*

Dipper was at the door, they were in the clear!

"Dipper, wait!! If you don't trust me then... then that's fine! But you have to go with your gut! How does this make you feel?! You know this isn't right!!"

Dipper looked at Pacifica with her heartbroken eyes and then at the Baba Yaga's retreating form behind him. He spared a glance at the kicking child under his arm but he quickly looked again to Pacifica.

"I... I'm sorry!"

Dipper closed the door and locked it behind him.

"NO!!!"

Pacifica got up and raced to the door in a vain attempt to open it. The door on the opposite end of the car kicked open leading an out of breath Artie in to the car.

"Artie! Dipper locked the door and he's going to give the kid to Baba Yaga! We have to stop him!"

He took a couple of deep breaths and then walked over to her door. He pulled out a test tube with an odd metallic substance inside.

"What's that?" Pacifica asked.

"Gallium! A liquid metal which is a bit more user friendly than the likes of say mercury." He started to pour the liquid in to the bottom of his gun. "Long story short, it is very good for my gun... for reasons I don't care to know about!"

Once the test tube was drained, Artie aimed his gun at the handle and fired.

*BAKACHOOOM!*

The door flung open and he and Pacifica raced through it.

One car after the next, no matter how fast they ran Dipper and Baba Yaga seemed to be just one car ahead. Pacifica thought that they were finally starting to catch up to them when she saw Dipper's coat fly behind the door to the next car.

"No! No!! NO!!!" yelled Artie. "This is bad! This is the last car before the caboose!!"

"NO!!!"

The caboose...

"Yes that's it! Good! Be sure to lock that door!"

Dipper locked the door just as ordered. With the door closed the caboose was dark, as if light itself refused to be present at the location.

"Great! Now put the child down so I may consume her!"

"No!"

Dipper held Sarah close with both arms.

"You don't get to say 'No' to me, slave!! You took the child so I would eat her, and now I shall!!"

"I changed my mind okay?! This doesn't feel right!! I don't like it!! Punish me if you want, but I can't let you have this little girl!!"

Baba Yaga's face turned cross and sinister. "You know what?" A black smoke surrounded Baba Yaga's hand as she thrust it outwards. "Tuxedo boy was wrong when he said all my legends and powers were nothing but hype! I think you will find that there is at least some truth to all legends at their foundation."

Dipper's arms twisted and writhed in agony as Baba Yaga's magic forced him to drop Sarah. Little Sarah ran for her life to the far end of the caboose as Dipper collapsed to the floor. As Dipper struggled to get up, the box he got for Pacifica rolled out of one of his many pockets.

"Run if you like, brat. It won't help you any!"

Baba Yaga's mouth expanded to an impossibly large size, her jaw was resting on the floor. A suction wind kicked up throughout the caboose leading to Baba Yaga's mouth.

Pacifica and Artie pounded on the door to the caboose. Pat arrived just as a blood curdling scream came out of the caboose.

"SARAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"

Pat was pounding on the door along with the others. There was so much noise, from Sarah screaming to Baba Yaga trying to suck her up to everyone pounding on the door. And then suddenly... it stopped. Not all at once mind you, it started with Baba Yaga's vacuum noise and then Sarah's screaming. This is what made them stop pounding on the door, the silence. A silence which accompanied by the unimaginable gravity of truth. The numbness they felt was as if somebody just hollowed out their entire being.

And then... the door opened.

Dipper came out holding a crying Sarah.

"Everything's alright! I took care of it."

Pat immediately took Sarah from Dipper and held her tight.

"I can never apologize enough for what almost happened here today." confessed Dipper.

Pacifica squinted her eyes at him "Dipper?"

"Dipper." Dipper confirmed. "I'm back. It was close back there, but I managed to stop Baba Yaga before... well before she could do what she wanted."

Pat gave him a quick glare. "How could you even think about giving that monster what she wanted?!"

"I'm sorry. What happened here was inexcu..."

Sarah broke away from Pat and hugged Dipper's leg.

"I... what?"

"Don- *sniff* Don't be sad! You were just confused! That monster lady put you up to it! You didn't want to let me go, she made you!"

Dipper knelt down and hugged Sarah back.

"Thank you..."

Pat stood above looking down at the two of them with the serious expression only a father could muster.

"Is what she says true? Did you try to refuse giving my precious little girl to that witch?"

"Yes. I chickened out at the last second and then she made me let her go."

"Then I suppose..." Pat picked up his daughter and held her close. "I can't be too mad at you. You did try to stop my daughter from being eaten."

"No Daddy! He did stop her! Just look!" Sarah pointed inside the caboose.

Everyone poked their head inside to Baba Yaga still with her huge mouth open but behind her glass teeth was one of Dipper's goop globs. It was so big that Baba Yaga couldn't move let alone close her mouth.

"Can she breathe?" asked Pacifica.

"I don't think so." answered Dipper.

"Good!" snapped Artie.

"Yeah, now that I think about it..." Dipper pulled out his gun and took careful aim. *PLOOT!**PLOOT!**PLOOT!**PLOOT!* Four new goop globs surrounded Baba Yaga, pinning her to the floor.

"Should've done that in the first place." grumbled Dipper.

"Not that this whole thing isn't lifting but..." Artie turned to Pat. "Who's conducting the train?"

"OH..." Pat nearly swore but a quick glance at his daughter was enough to catch himself. "...Poop."

Pat ran off with daughter in hand and our three heroes let out a breath they didn't know they had been holding.

New York...

The train pulled in to the station and a bunch of G-Men had been waiting to receive them.

Pat hopped off the train still holding his daughter when the top G-Man came to talk to him.

"Good to see you soldier! What news do you have to report?"

"First and foremost? I quit!"

Meanwhile the other G-Men were busy rolling Baba Yaga out of the caboose with Dipper and Pacifica supervising. The roof had been opened up so they could get the RV out and now it was just a matter of moving the prisoner to the armored truck.

"Don't be gentle boys! Seriously, don't be afraid to rough her up some. She deserves it, I assure you!" ordered Dipper.

Pacifica and Dipper sat on the steps to back of the caboose as they watched everything.

"Glad this one is finally over!" Pacifica confessed. "This adventure was... close."

"I know, right?"

"What about you? Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah, I'll get there." Dipper turned to Pacifica. "Listen Pacifica, I'm going to be upfront with you. I know Artie has made you an offer for you to go with him instead, and if that's what you want then I understand. I am going to really mi..."

"Save it, Dipper."

"What?"

"I'm not going anywhere. This adventure has opened my eyes a little too. Losing the trust of a friend who you only want to help? That hurts. What happened with you and my dad... I'm over it now. Artie's offer IS flattering but..." Pacifica stood up and jumped off the caboose. She offered her hand to Dipper. "If I wanted to be somewhere else I wouldn't be here now."

Dipper took her hand and got off the caboose.

"One thing bothers me though. What was it that finally jogged your memories?"

"Oh! Something fell out of my pocket, when I looked at it everything came flooding back."

"What was it?"

Dipper fell to one knee and took out the box. "Something for you."

Pacifica's eyes shot open at this action. "Wh-Wh-What's going on here? Dipper?!"

Dipper opened to the box to reveal a shinning... badge.

"What?"

"Our time of Senior Officer and Junior Officer, Hero and Sidekick, whatever you want to call it. It is over. Before me is now someone who I consider an equal. Pacifica Elise Northwest, will you do me the great honor of being my partner?"

"Oh..."

"What?"

"Nothing! Just... why are you on one knee for this?"

"Leg cramp."

"Leg cramp?!"

"Yeah, I've been running all over that train. I'm surprised this didn't happen sooner."

"Oh..."

"Why? What did you think was happening here?"

"...Nothing!"

"Soooo... do you want this badge or not?"

"Of course!" Pacifica grabbed the badge and gave it an appraising eye. It wasn't what she was expecting, not at all, but at least it had her name on it. "Well it's not jewelry, but I like what I see."

Pacifica helped Dipper to his feet. "Come on, let's go tell Artie the bad news."

"I hate not wearing a hat! My head feels naked!"

"First chance we get, we'll go hat shopping. Now I know we're probably just going to get another fedora but how would you feel about a stetson?"

"Me? A stetson??"

"Just think about it."

Meanwhile Artie had just received his new replacement car, the U.N. were anything if not speedy.

"Aha! My new ride!" A blue sports car landed in front of him transforming back from it's flight mode. "They sent the blue. Not quite as fun as the red one but I'll take it."

"Artie!"

Artie turned around to see Pacifica and Dipper waiting to say goodbye to him.

"Ah there's my favorite Yanks! Listen Dipper, about trying to shoot you with my gun earlier..."

"Save it, man. You were doing it to try and save a little girl. I would have been more upset if you didn't shoot at me."

"And the lovely Pacifica. A last, what are the words."

"Artie, I'm sorry. Your offer is very flattering but..."

Pacifica was cut off as Artie held up his hand. "Ah! Say no more! I think it's obvious who's company you really prefer."

"I... wait..."

"And Dipper, the better man won today. Do me a favor and treat her right?"

"Hey! Whoa! Wait a minute! It is NOT like that!" Dipper protested.

"Yeah! I swear! We're just friends!" Pacifica added.

"Oh please!" Artie hopped in to his new car and start the engine. "Your denial only confirms it. Far be it for me to get in the way of a couple in love!"

"No! Artie!! You're not listeni..."

"Sorry Dipper, but I can't stick around anymore! I have to continue the escort for Baba Yaga's trial! Next time I hear from you, you two better be hooked up!"

"No!! Artie! We're not in lo..."

"Adios love birds!"

*VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!*

Dipper and Pacifica coughed as they tried to blow away the dirt that was kicked up by Artie's car. As soon as it was settled their eyes darted to each other.

"He's crazy you know?"

"Oh yeah! Definitely!" Pacifica agreed.

Omake

Later...

The RV had stopped off at a roadside dinner, Dipper was busy ordering inside while Pacifica sat in the RV.

"The only thing I haven't figured out is why did Dipper keep popping those pens? I mean he was only doing it when something was happening between me and Art... Oh my God... Was Dipper ACTUALLY jealous?!"

Pacifica grinned like a silly little school girl but quickly got herself under control. "Not that I would care, that is. I mean, like, come on. Let's keep it professional. Ugh! Men! They're all so stupid with their raging emot... Wait." Pacifica looked through the doorway at the dinner. "Is that waitress trying to give Dipper her number?!"

She quickly regained her composure.

"Not that I would care of course!" Pacifica crossed her arms. "Its not like it bothers me or something lame like that!"

Pacifica turned her head and closed her eyes so as to not look at the situation.

She started to tap her foot impatiently.

Then she started tap quicker.

"Oh forget it! HEY DISHRAG!!" Pacifica shouted as she stomped out of the RV. "YOU KNOW THE KIND OF LIFE THAT GUY LEADS, RIGHT?!"

Chapter Text

The birds were chirping, the children were playing, and Dipper and Pacifica were sitting at a park table playing chess.

"How long does it take for a request for a search warrant to go through? Seriously..."

"Quit whining, partner." Dipper moved his rook forward. "We aren't trying to search the ground for drugs or something simple like that, we believe that there is something of Gravity Falls level weird happening inside Northwest Industries and the amount of red tape that gets added on to that isn't anything to sneeze at."

Pacifica moved her bishop. "Alright fair enough. Hey, what's the score?"

"I've won fifty and you've got thirty, but you're quickly catching up."

Dipper moved his knight and took one of Pacifica's pawns.

"Hey Dipper, there's something that been bothering me." Pacifica moved her king.

"What's that Pacifica?"

Dipper moved his pawn forward.

"If there was a hole in the train car then how'd we move across it?"

"You mean you didn't realize?"

Flashback

"Okay, we're almost at the caboose! Just keep running slave!" ordered Baba Yaga.

Out of nowhere the lights started to flicker, Dipper and Baba Yaga stopped running, the lights went completely out. The lights shot back on and standing in front of them was Lenny.

"AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" Baba Yaga screamed in unison.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" screamed back Lenny.

"Wait, why are YOU screaming?!" asked Dipper.

"I... thought that was what we were doing."

"..."

"You know what?" asked Baba Yaga. "You're actually perfect."

Baba Yaga grabbed Lenny and shoved him down in to the hole. "There! Perfect bridge! Now come on slave, I have a child to eat!!"

"NOOOOOOO! BEING PLUGGED IN A HOLE MY ONE-HEY! Don't tread on me!!"

End Flashback

"I can't believe I didn't notice we ran on top of Lenny." confessed Pacifica. "Wait... is Lenny still on the train?"

"...You know what? I think he is!"

"Oh....Should we... rescue him?"

"He's always going on about how he wants to kill me and he can just pop back home anytime he wants. I'm sure he's fine."

The train...

Lenny was face down stuck in the hole doing nothing but watching the tracks go by as the train made its return trip home.

"...sigh... I hate you, Dipper. I want you to die."

Back with Dipper and Pacifica....

"Yeah, you're probably right." Pacifica took one of Dipper's knights.

"Well played. But are you ready for my new strategy?"

"No! Please, Dipper! Let's play something else! Something more fun! Like that other board game you showed me! You know the one with the dungeons and... dungeons!"

"Oh! You mean Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons!"

"Yes! That one! That one was so much fun!"

"Sorry Pacifica, but you know how carried away I get with that game. I'll lose a whole day to it if you let me and Mothman is due back at any second!"

"But that's what you've been saying for two hours! Can't we at least switch to checkers?"

"What? Checkers isn't anywhere near as stimulating as chess!"

"But Dipper..."

Dipper moved his knight.

"What?"

"No. Dipper, look up."

"Up? But I'm winning!"

"Just... look at me! Just for a second!"

"Well alright, but I don't see-WHA!!"

Dipper nearly fell out of his chair, Pacifica was looking at him with a pleading cut look or as he liked to call it... "The Doe Eyes! You got me with both barrels! Okay, we'll play something else!"

"Great! But first..." Pacifica moved one of her pieces and took Dipper's queen. "Checkmate."

Dipper laughed at Pacifica's cleverness. "Pretty sneaky, partner!"

Before the board swap could begin a faint buzzing caught their attention. It didn't sound like it was coming from anywhere but it was getting louder.

"Pacifica! Above!!"

Pacifica looked up just in time to see Mothman descending down upon them. She jumped out of the way just in time as the giant bug man landed on the table crushing their chess board.

"AAAAAAAGH!!"

"Oh come on, Pacifica. You know me now! Is the screaming really necessary?" complained Mothman.

"Well maybe if you weren't about to land on my head I wouldn't feel the need to scream!" snapped Pacifica.

"Mothman," Dipper called. "Do you have news about our search warrants?"

"Yes... but you're not going to like it. Things are going slow. Real slow!"

"How slow are we talking here?" asked Dipper. "Like 'don't make any weekend plans' slow or..."

"The 'don't call us, we'll call you' kind of slow."

"Dang it!" swore Dipper.

"Sorry buddy, if I were you I'd find something time consuming to do. The General is doing his best to speed things up but Northwest Industries is on to us and well..."

"Let me guess," chimed in Pacifica. "My cousin is throwing money at the problem?"

"A whole lot of it."

Pacifica rolled her eyes. "Typical Northwest maneuver..."

"Wish I had better news for you but that's about it. I got to get back to base but good luck."

Mothman zoomed back up in to the sky becoming a distant little dot. Pacifica sat on the grass in defeat. "Terrific. Just terrific."

She laid down facing up at the blue sky. "Now what we do?"

Dipper laid down opposite of her upside down so his head was next to her. "Just be patient I guess..."

She turned to him. "You know, on that train adventure you really scared me."

"I scared myself!!"

"Not just the obvious child-in-danger stuff, Dipper. That adventure made me face some things and... well... if something ever happened to you, like, you didn't come back...ever? I don't know what I'd do."

"Well I know exactly what I'd do if something ever happened to you." Dipper confessed.

"Really? I'm a little surprised you're prepared for that. What would you do?" asked Pacifica.

"I'd give it all up. The monster fighting, the cases, the RV, all of it! I'd hand in my badge and special gun and go work at Mabel's craft store as a cashier clerk for the rest of my boring days."

Pacifica sat up. "Wow Dipper. I don't know what to say to that."

"You don't have to 'say' anything, Sweetheart. That's just the way I feel."

Dipper continued to stare up at the sky but Pacifica gazed down at him with a loving smile.

"Hey," Pacifica stood in front of Dipper looking down at him with a confident grin. "I think its about time you and I went hat shopping!"

"What? Like now?"

"You got something better to do?"

"I... well, no..."

Dipper yelped when Pacifica grabbed him by his foot and started to drag him. "What is going on right now?!"

"If you're not going to move on your own then I'm going to move you for you! I will drag you to a good time!" teased Pacifica.

"Whoa! Okay, okay, I'm getting up!!"

Haberdashery...

Dipper stood in front of a full length mirror as Pacifica entered the changing room with an armful of hats.

"Now I know you're dead set on a fedora but I thought maybe trying on some other type of hats might be fun too! What do you say?"

Dipper lowered his eyelids halfway and wore a defeated smile. "Sigh... Only for you, Sweetheart. Let's get started."

"Okay first up is this!"

Pacifica placed a fez on Dipper's head.

"How's this one feel to you?"

"It makes me feel like Grunkle Stan."

"So that's a maybe?"

"I guess..."

"Great! I'll start a 'maybe pile' with this and you can wear it on a day off for fun."

Pacifica took the fez off and tossed it aside.

"Dai oofff?"

"The joke's played out, Dipper. Next, try this beret! Straight from France~."

Pacifica placed a purple beret on his head.

"I think it looks Ooh la la!"

"I think it looks... not for me."

Dipper flung the hat the opposite side of the room from where the fez was.

"Maybe that would look better on me anyways. I do think I found something you'll like though!"

Pacifica put a blank blue trucker hat on his head.

"Hey!" Dipper grinned. "This does bring back some nostalgic feelings but..."

"Let me guess, the lack of a pine tree makes it feel..."

"Empty yeah... put it on to the 'maybe pile'."

Pacifica took off the trucker hat and placed it next to the fez.

"Okay, next we have the one I have personally been waiting for... the stetson."

"Fine. Bring it on."

She placed the stetson on his head and gave it an appraising look.

"I wouldn't say that's a 'bad' look for you but it is a little too cowboy I would think."

"I agree." Dipper knocked it off the top of hat over next to the beret.

"Well, enough beating around the bush then. Time for the fedora."

Dipper bit back a snappy dry comment.

Pacifica placed a brown fedora on his head.

"Now we're talking!" Dipper cheered.

"No."

"No? What are you talking about?! This is what I wanted from the beginning!"

"There's something... missing."

"What could be 'missing'?! A fedora isn't that complicated!"

"I don't know..." Pacifica mused. "Oh! Wait!! I think I got it!"

Pacifica ran off leaving Dipper alone.

"Sigh. This is what I get for living with a fashionista. You'd think I'd learn by now what 'shopping' with her means."

Pacifica ran back in to the room carrying something which wasn't a hat.

"What this hat needs..." She placed the item on to the fedora. "Is a green band! A pine tree green band!"

The pine tree green band wrapped around the hat. The band certainly did make the hat stand out and Dipper smirked at how it looked on him.

"You know what? I like it! It feels natural!"

"Okay then, we have a winner!"

"Great!! Let's head back to the RV then!"

"Right..."

Dipper headed to the cashier but Pacifica hung back for a second to pick up the fez and trucker hat.

"You never know!"

The RV...

Pacifica sat the table with a napkin tucked in to her shirt. She eagerly awaited for her meal which Dipper brought in inside of a cardboard box.

"Pizza is served!"

"Excellent! Now this is a middle class food I am quite experienced with! Ate it all the time as a kid and it was good Friday friend of mine up in the penthouse!"

"Never would have pegged you for a pizza lover, Pacifica."

Pacifica took a slice and took a bite out of it. "Get used to it! This girl is full of surprises!"

"Yeah, I'm starting to get that."

"About time, Mr. Detective!"

"Seriously though, Pacifica you've shown me that I can actually enjoy a Dai Oooff."

"Dipper, stop. You're not fooling anyone with you're mispronunciation; I mean look at me! I got around to calling 'Shar Ring' Shar Ring. I mean Sha Ring! OOPS, I mean Sha Ring!! SHA RING!! SHA RING!!! GRRRRRR! Why can't I say it?! What am I?! Twelve?!"

"Not so easy, is it?"

"Oh you shut up! I don't want to hear about it from YOU of all people!!"

Dipper smirked. "You know, I really think you showed me the best side of yourself today."

"Oh?" A faint blush graced Pacifica's face. "What side would that be?"

"Your whimsical side. I know you like to portray yourself as this high society, sophisticated lady of class but I think I like you best when you're just trying to have fun!"

"Wow Dipper... I don't know what to say. I think..."

*KNOCK!**KNOCK!**KNOCK!*

"Oh you have GOT to be kidding me!" swore Pacifica. "Every time! Every time I try to have a moment with..."

Pacifica got up and headed to the door. "I swear, if this is my dad again I am going to kick him in the nuts!"

She opened the door and something brushed her aside, dashing inside.

"What the...?"

This new person stood in the middle of the room and struck a pose.

"Can you feel the love people?! Because the LOVE GOD is in the RV!!!"

Omake

The train...

"Hello? Eyeball still stuck in the hole in the floor! Anybody want to let me out?"

The train had finally stopped moving but nobody had even noticed poor Lenny.

"Sigh... I wonder if anybody has figure out yet that I'm the eyeball that got ripped out of Bill Cipher's head by the T-Rex arm..."

Chapter Text

*CLICK!* *CLICK!*

The Love God threw up his arms in surrender as he suddenly found himself in quite a dangerous pickle. Dipper aiming at his head with his special gun and Pacifica with her umbrella pointing in to his back.

"WHOA!! HOSTILE TERRITORY ALERT!!"

"Dipper," Pacifica's eyes were glued to the back of the Love God, her finger poised to send out her taser. "Who is this clown? Another work friend?"

"He's no work friend! He's not even a friend! In fact I haven't even seen him for ten years!!"

"Ten years? Wait! You mean he's from Gravity Falls?! I would remember a freak like him!"

"What he is, is in the room! And I am not from someplace as stationary as that backwoods town! Honey Pants, you are looking at the one and only Love God! Now put the weapons down, I'm a lover not a fighter."

"...Who??"

Dipper and Pacifica lowered their weapons but the Love God sharply turned on Pacifica. "The Love God? Hello?! Star of the music video which has been blowing up the internet?!"

"Nope." Pacifica answered. "Nothing."

"You were the star of a viral video but that was ten years ago. They don't 'blow up' for ten years!"

"Wrongo Angel! The internet is forever and so is love!!"

"Enough! What are you doing here?! You're the Love God, sure, but you've made it plainly clear that you held no love for me OR Mabel!"

"This is true." His expression turned sour for a fraction of a second but it was quickly replaced with a look of urgency. "But I am in a serious pickle and beggars can't be choosers. You two came highly recommended by my homeboy Jack Frost!"

"Jack Frost is your friend?!" accused Pacifica. "Well no wonder I don't like you! That guy froze my panty drawer, I mean like my ENTIRE panty drawer! It was one solid chunk of ice! It took me forever to melt it with my hairdryer!"

"Yeah, that sounds like Jack!" The Love God shook his head with nostalgia. "He recommended you two and despite my history with Mr. Fancy Fedora over here, I really need help!"

"Alright, enough! Sit down and we'll hear you and your problem out!" ordered Dipper.

The Love God turned to the table and quickly took notice of the pizza there. "Oh sweet! I love me some Zza!"

He sat down and quickly started scarfing down Dipper and Pacifica's pizza. Pacifica took aim again with her umbrella but Dipper calmly forced her to lower it shaking his head.

"Dipper, how do you know this freak?!"

"Ten years ago during the Woodstick Festival this guy blew in to town and Mabel stole his love potion to get our favorite officer hooked up with his wife!"

Pacifica rolled her eyes. "Whatever!"

Dipper and Pacifica sat opposite of the Love God. "So what happened?"

"To put it simply, I've been robbed!"

"I'm not arresting Mabel!" announced Dipper.

"Not that robbery! Although, now that you mention it..."

"Love God!" Pacifica snapped. "Get to the point! The case!! Details!!"

"Right. Anyways, this street gang stole my little love bug from me!"

"Love bug?" echoed Dipper.

"Yeah he's this little stag beetle who is the basis for all my love potions! I think they found my video, tracked me down, and basically mugged me!"

"And how did they find out about your 'love bug'?" asked Pacifica.

"Well their ring leader was real big on learning about how my potions worked and he... sort of... beat the information out of me."

He looked to the detectives for sympathy at this little reveal of information but when he didn't get any he pressed on.

"So instead of taking one of my potions he took the short term equivalent, my little buddy Herbie, and then got his buddies to beat me up some more so I couldn't chase after him!"

"Wait, you have a love bug... and you named him 'Herbie'?" asked Dipper.

"Yeah. Why?" The Love God looked at Pacifica and Dipper confused about their incredulous looks. "What? What?! You're looking at me like I'm making some kind of reference or something. His name is Herbie I tell you!"

Pacifica shook her head. "Nevermind."

"Okay, they took your... ahem, 'Herbie' after tracking you down. Any idea why they would want it?"

"Well if they only took my little buddy Herbie then it has to be to use his raw love power."

"Raw love power?" Dipper repeated.

"Yeah! As opposed to my love potions? Which actually require a reci..."

"Okay!" snapped Pacifica. "We get it! Just tell us what happens when someone is zapped by this 'raw love power' of your cockroach!"

"First off Angry Pants, he's a beetle not a cockroach. Second off, he doesn't 'zap' anyone he just bites them... with his cute little pincers."

"Alright, what happens when he bites someone?" asked Dipper.

"Well it kind of becomes one of those love at first sight kind of deals. Whoever Herbie bites falls in love with the first person they see?"

"Anyone?"

"Nah, he maybe a powerful godly familiar but he's still just a little bug. My potions are more powerful and more versatile, his bite on his own has severe limitations. It only works when the person bitten sees someone of the opposite gender and family members aren't even part of the equation here."

"You're sort of confirming that you're as stupid as I think you are here." noted Pacifica.

"What do you mean?"

Dipper elbowed Pacifica and she rolled her eyes. "Forget it. Continue."

"Yes. When someone has this 'Love at First Sight Bite' exactly what is that like."

The Love God threw his head back in frustration. "Okay, let me think! How can I explain this?" He snapped his fingers. "Got it! You ever see Bambi?"

Pacifica and Dipper shared a look. "I think everybody has."

"Remember the twitterpated scene? That is kind of what it is like to be bitten by Herbie."

It was Dipper's turn to stare at the Love God incredulously. "Are you serious right now?"

"You know it! Also, the person bitten hears a song when they see the person they're about to fall in love with."

"What kind of song?" asked Pacifica curiously.

"Depends. It varies from person to person."

"You mean it varies from the person who got bit or it varies depending on who they see?" asked Dipper.

The Love God smiled, closing his eyes in a content manner for his reply. "Yes."

Pacifica stood up. "I can't deal with this anymore! Dipper, I guess you can say I'm going on break."

"Why?"

"Because if I have to listen to this guy anymore I'm going to, like, bang my head against the table! I need a break!!"

"That's fine. I get it, he's a lot to deal with." Dipper answered.

"Okay, that's cool Baby!"

Pacifica left the RV and Dipper delivered an annoyed glared to the cherub. "Don't call my partner 'Baby'."

"Bro, is she your work partner or life partner?" Love God raised his eyebrows suggestively.

"My li-wo-SHUT UP!! Focus! Where did this all happen?"

"About two cities away down south."

"And what did the perpetrators look like?"

"Well their ring leader looked like something out of Grease. Thick bouncy hair, leather jacket, the works ya know?"

"What about a name? Gangs have to call themselves something."

"Didn't really catch that. I was a little busy getting stuffing kicked out of me, but I did see that they all rode off on motorcycles."

"Well I suppose that's something. Now I think it is time we talked about the matter of payment."

"Oh no, dude. I think you'll find that this case is free of charge. On you bro!"

"That's not how this works!" Dipper snapped.

"Oh I think you'll that's how it works this time! You see, I still remember how your sister ROBBED from me TWICE!!"

"Love God, that was ten years ago!"

"So what?! Those potions have the potential to be more dangerous than a gun! And thanks to the judicial system YOU helped set up, I can press charges against her now!"

"What?!"

"You heard me! You either help me out for free or your sister is going to be standing before a judge!"

Dipper glared furiously at him. "You know, for an immortal being all about love you sure do know how to hold a grudge!"

"That's life Chief, but I gotta say... I really like the green band wrapped around your hat. Very shiny!"

"Oh, you like that? Pacifica, picked it out."

"She really has an eye for admiration trinkets."

"Yeah she... what? You mean an eye for accessories don't you?"

"No."

"...Then what are you..."

"Dude. She is into you. Duh!"

Dipper immediately blushed and scratched his neck nervously. "Whaaaat? I don't--You're crazy man! She doesn't..."

"And Bro, she has you wrapped around her little finger so tightly you're like a pinky glove. I know a two way street when I see one!"

Dipper laughed nervously. "Ha ha HA ha ha! I have no idea what you're talking about, man! I-secretly-hope-this-is-true-but-don't-want-to-get-my-hopes-up."

"Dude, you do know I can hear you right?"

Dipper's eyes widened in surprise. "What?! No you can't! I'm talking under my breath!"

"No! No you're not! You're just speaking very fast! I can hear you, anybody could hear you! You're keeping nothing from anybody!!"

Dipper stared down at the table in shock as the gravity of the words sunk in.

"..................................................................................................................Oh my God."

"You mean 'Oh your Love God' right?"

Dipper's gaze never left the table but he held up his gun to the Love God's face.

*PLOOT!*

"I need to go outside."

Outside...

Dipper found Pacifica pacing back and forth grumbling to herself.

"Pacifica?"

"Dipper! We can just turn him down right?"

"What?"

"Don't we have a right to refuse service claim or something?"

"No. And even if we did we couldn't use it. He has something on Mabel so we have to take the case... for free."

"Free?! Why that no good piece of..."

"I know! I know!! I feel the same way, but we got to do it! Starting with going to the city he saw the gang in."

Pacifica pouted. "But Dipper... We're finally in New York! We have to, like, find out what they're up to! We both know it can't be anything good!!"

"I'm sorry, Pacifica. If it makes you feel any better I plooted his face."

Pacifica smiled a small humored grin. "Well, maybe that helps a little."

This was the moment the Love God stumbled out blindly of the RV, his head still completely encased in a goop ball.

"And seeing that, helps a lot!" laughed Pacifica.

Dipper handed Pacifica his Pterodactyl knife. "Here. I got to get the RV ready to move, you get Mr. Love Guru out of the bubble."

"Sure thing."

Omake

Pacifica grabbed the Love God but he was still lumbering around for balance.

"Hold still! You don't want me to stab you in the face do you?!"

Pacifica punctured one hole into the glob and pushed the dagger through to the other side causing the thing to deflate.

The Love God ripped one of the holes open and fell on the ground with a big gasp of air. He didn't stay down for long though, he popped up soon enough and rested on a nearby table.

"Sorry about that." apologized Pacifica. "I think maybe he did that to you just so I could feel better about leaving."

"I know. I heard. So that guy has how to make you smile down to a science, huh?"

"Wait, could you hear us with your head all plooted?"

"You know it Sweet Thing! And by the way, you two are so adorbs!"

"Ador-Oh! Gross!! Are you 'shipping' us?!"

"Bra, I am the Love God! Did you actually expect me NOT to ship?"

Chapter Text

Curtain Coast City...

On a billboard high above the other buildings sat Dipper and Pacifica. Dipper had dug out his goggles from their Jack Frost adventure and was using them to survey the city below.

"Anything yet?" asked Pacifica.

"Maybe... I'm not sure. I need the Love God to confirm it. Where is he anyways?"

"The ladder up here was kind of rickety so I told him it couldn't support his weight. He's been trying to fly up here this whole time."

"I was wondering what was taking him so long."

A hand landed on the floor which was soon followed by a gasping and wheezing Love God.

"Oh geez! Phew! I don't think you guys appreciate how hard flight is! I have to actually work to get off the ground!!"

"Then maybe you should have kept yourself in better shape!" Pacifica snapped.

"Ugh! So much hate! Seriously, its a bad color for you!"

"Hey," Dipper pulled the Love God over to himself so he could inspect Dipper's findings through the goggles. "These your guys?"

"Hang on second." Love God took the goggles and gazed through them. "Is there a zoom function on these..."

Dipper adjusted the dial.

"Oh! Sweet! Yep, those are the hoodlums that took away my precious little Herbie."

"Good!" Dipper took the goggles back, handed them to Pacifica, and pointed to the area the gang was. "Now that we have a positive I.D. on them we can do a more thorough investigation."

"Hang on a second." Pacifica held up her hand stopping Dipper's train of thought. "Something seems odd about this street gang."

"What do you mean, partner?"

"Dipper, every single one of these gang members has a motorcycle parked by the curb! They aren't a street gang, they're a motorcycle gang!!"

"Not possible!" snapped the Love God. "Those dudes are stationary! I should know, I tried to get Herbie back on my own by sneaking in to their hide out..." a haunted look came in to existence on the Love God's face. "That-That didn't go well."

"Wait!" Dipper snapped. "You know their hideout and you didn't tell..."

"Hold it!!" Pacifica cut in. "They got something on the back of their leather jackets. I think it might their gang name..."

"What's it say?"

"They are the... oh you have got to be kidding me. Has to be some kind of flu-nope they all have it. They name is the... Huggle Chains."

"Wat?"

"You heard me right Dipper. They choose to call themselves the Huggle Chains."

"That's the stupidest gang name I have ever heard of!"

"I like it." stated the Love God.

"You would."

"There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of them. Six or seven of them at the most, I don't think sneaking in is an option at all."

"Maybe if we disguised ourselves we could pass off as newbies looking to join."

"Wait..." Pacifica put down the goggles down and a smile raced across her face. "Disguises can mean just one thing! Shopping!!"

"Oh no! Please, Pacifica! We JUST went shopping!"

"No we went hat shopping! This is disguise shopping, like, its completely different!"

"Whoa. Whoa! Whoa!!" The Love God's outburst captured Dipper and Pacifica's attention. He was down on the floor looking through the goggles. "Guys, the ring leader just showed up!!"

Dipper snatched the goggles out of the Love God's hands. "Let me see!"

"Well?" Pacifica asked. "What's he look like?"

"I don't believe it. He actually does look like something out of Grease, big oily black hair combed over and everything. Wait a second..." Dipper zoomed in for a moment. "Hey has the bug!!"

"What?"

"Really?!"

"Yeah! I can see it! He put it inside some kind of plastic Tupperware container but... uh-oh! They're getting on their bikes!"

"What do we do?! We'll never be able to get back to your RV in time." exclaimed the Love God.

"Don't worry, I got it handled with a new little feature I added in."

He pressed a button on the dial and small device shot out from the antennae and latched itself on to the back of the gang leader's leather jacket.

"Haha. Yes! Nano Tracking Beacon successfully attached to target!"

"When did you add that one in?" asked Pacifica.

"Very recently."

"Well that's good news then." The Love God puffed up his chest. "You know being up here, it makes feel like singing! You two should totally take advantage of the scenery and make out!"

Pacifica stood behind him looking absolutely done. "You want to sing? Fine! How about Free Falling?" With one good shove Pacifica pushed the Loved God off of the billboard.

"Whoa!!!" shouted Dipper. "That was a little extreme don't you think?!"

"Oh nonsense! He's a god, that means he's immortal right? Plus he can fly! He'll be fine!"

Dipper didn't say anything, he ignored the screaming of the Love God and looked through the goggles again. He suddenly stood up straight. "Uh oh!"

"What uh oh?"

"The Love God's screaming is so loud these guys actually hear it! They're looking around everywhere to spot where its coming from!"

"What?!"

"They're going to spot us!!"

"Dipper, do something!!"

Acting on instinct, Dipper the only thing he could!

One of bikers, searching for the source of the mysterious screaming, looked up at the billboard...to find nothing out of the usual. This was because the billboard was a poster of an upcoming remake to the movie Gone With the Wind and Dipper was dipping Pacifica exactly the way the man in the poster was dipping the woman.

The bikers eventually shrugged it off as the Love God finally hit the ground but Dipper and Pacifica remained frozen in place. She stared up at him and he stared down at her. The two remained frozen in place for what seemed like an eternity gazing deeper and deeper in to each other's eyes.

*THUD*

With the Love God's impact on the ground shortly followed by the sounds of motorcycles revving Dipper and Pacifica immediately separated from each other. They were both blushing beet red as they avoided eye contact with each other.

"We uh..." stammered Dipper. "We should probably head back down now."

"Mmhmm."

Bottom of the ladder...

Luckily for our duo sleuths the RV was parked nearby and the Love God's impact crater was even closer to them than that.

"I'll set up the tracking equipment in the RV, you see if you can get Captain Suave out of his crater."

"Why do I have to get him out?!" Pacifica snapped.

"Because you put him in there!" Dipper snapped back.

"Sigh. Fair enough."

"Oh! Before I forget I made you a little something."

"Really? For me? What is it?"

Dipper reached in to his pocket and tossed her something.

What landed in her hands was some kind of high tech gun with what looked like some kind of weird tuning fork at the end instead of a barrel.

"It is called a Magnet Gun. This is my own version of gun my Great Uncle Stanford let me use on one of our adventures. I assure you, mine works better than his did way back when."

"Wow! Dipper, when did you make this?"

"I started working on it shortly after I gave you your badge. An umbrella isn't a very impressive weapon for an officer of the law to have. Know what I'm saying?"

"Wow, thanks Dipper."

He shot her a couple of finger guns and walked in to the RV. "I'll show you how to use it later!"

'Dipper, what the heck was that?! Trying to look cool in front of her like that isn't going to impress her! You should have just given her the gun and left on a compliment!'

As Dipper mentally kicked himself he failed to notice a light blush appearing on Pacifica's face. She watched the doorway Dipper left through for a moment and a small smile graced her lips.

A hand shot out of the Love God's impact crater shortly followed by the rest of the overweight man.

"Oh. Its you." Pacifica dryly observed. "I forgot about you for a second."

"Please stop trying to kill me, I'm the God Father to a Snadger! He might need me one day!"

The Love God looked just as bruised as any man would from falling from such a height. Little rocks were sticking out of his face but outside of that there didn't seem to be any permanent damage.

"I doubt you'd die by my hands but, like, whatever."

"Oh, what's that you got there?"

"This? Just a little something from Dipper. Kind of sweet rea-Oh wait!! Tell me you're not going to start going off about how Dipper likes to give gifts to his girlfriend because that is NOT how our relationship is!!"

"Of course not Pacifica, I would never call you his girlfriend!"

The Love God had genuinely caught Pacifica off guard for a change. She looked down at her new gun and then up at the Love God.

"Wow, really?? Well good!!"

"No the proper term for you is his 'wife'!!"

"What?! How am I like his wife?!"

"Well let's see..." Love God held up his hand and started to list them off on his fingers. "You live under the same roof as him, you share all your meals with him, you face every obstacle together, you stick together in troubled times, you go shopping together, I could go on forever Baby! Why the only thing that would cement it would be some kind of mutually naked act you committed together."

Pacifica froze. She was as stiff as a plank of wood. Her eyes darted away and then back to the Love God.

"Oh my me! You have!! Oh girl you have to dish right now!!"

"It didn't mean anything! It's not like we had sex or anything! He was just saving my life!!"

"So saving your life doesn't mean anything?"

"No-I mean Yes- I mean... GRR!! Just shut up!!!"

"Naw, not yet Sunshine. I need details!"

"Didn't Jack Frost tell you anything?"

"Jack Frost was involved??"

"He didn't tell you?"

"No. Maybe he was just respecting your privacy?"

There was an awkward silence for a moment and then they both said in unison "Naaah!"

So Pacifica regaled the Love God of her frozen adventure and much to her surprise he was nothing but patient and quiet through out the whole deal.

"And that's what happened."

"Sounds like it was critical turning point in your relationship."

"It was but you know..." Pacifica laid down on the ground for a second, staring up at the sky. "On this train adventure I overheard Dipper saying that he blames himself for my life change but the truth is I never really saw it as a bad thing."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I mean, like, don't get me wrong, it was a very cushy life. Living in a penthouse sweet, an entire fortune to inherit, and only the most exquisite meals imaginable but..."

The Love God urged Pacifica to continue "But?"

"It was all kind of boring. And given how my childhood was so exciting my adult life seemed like kind of a disappointment in comparison. With all the weird things that go on in Gravity Falls I guess it sort of seemed like a hollow victory."

"What kind of weird things?"

"Never mind all that. Then these weird lightning goblins started to ransack the family fortune and I had too much spice in my life, that was when Dipper came back. Yes, he did fail to protect my money but I wouldn't call the life on the road he's given me a bad one either. Yeah a lot of parts of it are, like, scary but its also kind of exciting and he makes it fun. For me at least."

Little did Pacifica know that Dipper was able to hear her entire conversation inside the RV.

*BEEP!**BEEP!**BEEP!*

Dipper raced out holding the laptop. "Everyone in to the RV! They're on the move!!"

The Love God and Pacifica raced in to the RV and before you could say 'Follow that car!' they were off on the road following the tracking device. Where it lead them however, was a very curious place indeed. Certainly not even the Love God had expected them to be lead to such an establishment.

It was a nightclub lounge. The type with butlers in tuxedos and lady singers wearing sequin dresses. One might think it was some kind of mistake if it was not for the seven motorcycles parked out front.

"These guys are weird." deduced Dipper.

"Yes!" Pacifica cheered earning her the attention of Dipper and the Love God. "I have the perfect dress for this!! This is going to be the best undercover mission ever!"

"What? What dress?"

"I was able to keep some of my fancy dresses from my old life Dipper and now thanks to mission I can wear one of them and go undercover as a lounge singer."

"Pacifica, that's a lot to..." Dipper started.

"Out!" Pacifica cut in.

"What?"

"Out! The both of you! I'm going to need the RV to get changed! Now out!"

"What's wrong with the privacy curtain?" asked Dipper. "It was always good enough before!"

"Dipper," Pacifica looked at him with a pleading face. "please just give me this?"

"Sigh. Alright, fine."

Omake

Outside the RV, the Love God was giving Dipper an annoyed stare.

"Listen Indiana Fedora, I don't care what you say. Neither one of you can honestly be happy with ignoring your feelings. I know romantic tension when I see it and..."

"You're right."

"I don't care what you... wait, did you just agree with me?"

"Yes. I can't ignore my feelings for Pacifica any longer and it is time I do something about it!"

"This is great! You're going to make a move!"

"Yes, but I must stick with my plan!"

"What? What's that mean?"

"When I was twelve I probably would have done something ridiculous like make a list on what to do and what not to do, but thankfully I've grown out of that."

"Well that's a relief."

Dipper ran to the RV's trunk for a second and then came back with a poster board.

"First I start with a pie chart!"

The Love God groaned and facepalmed.

"What? Do you think a graph would have been better?"

Chapter Text

Dipper was dressed in a white butler's tuxedo carrying a tray filled with glasses of water. He pressed his finger in to his earpiece. "Can everybody hear me?"

"This is Pacifica. You're coming in loud and clear."

"Love God here. In the kitchen waiting to be reunited with my darling Herbie."

"Dipper, these earpieces are amazing! Did you invent them!"

"Actually, no Pacifica." Dipper admitted. "Truth be told they were a gift from Artie, lunkhead tends to worry."

The sounds of chewing came through causing Dipper to lower his eyelids. "Love God, are you seriously eating another hoagie sandwich? We talked about this, man!"

*GULP!*

"Uh of course not, dude! I'm on mission! I'm all about the mission!! I'm laser focused... unlike SOMEBODY after they saw Pacifica in their evening dress!"

"I-hey!"

"Dude, you were straight up leering at her!"

"I was NOT 'leering' at her!" snapped Dipper.

"You were definitely gawking!" noted Pacifica.

"Twice." added the Love God. "Once when you first saw her and then again when she started walking!"

"I was not 'gawking' either!!" Dipper snapped again.

"Your mouth was hanging open, Dipper." explained Pacifica.

"I-you-grr-Hey! Who's side are you on, anyways?!" snapped Dipper for a third time.

"I guess that really all depends on WHY you were gawking, Dipper."

"What?! Pacifica, I..."

"Girl!" the Love God chimed. "If that's your idea of flirting then let me tell you that you are doin' it wrong!"

Pacifica was about to say something but Dipper cut her off. "You know what?! I think now is an excellent time to begin radio silence!!"

Dipper moved over with his tray to a table where the gangsters had collected themselves.

'What a bunch of freaks.' Dipper mentally observed.

And freaks they were, there was a pair of twin women both dressed in ripped sleeveless leather jackets, where one had a Mohawk the other had a Reverse Mohawk. Another was hanging over the booth like a lunatic, his leather jacket had metal spikes all over it, and for some reason two metal fishing hooks were stuck in the bottom of it. There was an African American gentleman at one end of the booth, he was about Dipper's size and build and his leather jacket was covered in patches. Next to him was red headed girl who didn't seem to have anything odd about her, the only thing really noticeable about her was her hair being in a ponytail. She was SO normal in fact... that Dipper didn't trust her at all. At the opposite end of the table was a very tall man, he wore a shirt with a picture of a spork on it. Covering it was a black leather jacket just like all the others except his was covered in tassels; he also wore a biker's helmet which had a huge crack racing along the bottom of it.

At the center of it all was man with a thick curl of black hair. Hair which was styled in to a giant upward curl with probably an entire jar of gel holding it in place. A pair of dark thick sunglasses covered his face, making it impossible to see his eyes. He was picking his teeth with a butterfly knife, a sight which made Dipper cringe. The air about him commanded a certain degree of respect so it was a safe bet that he was the leader.

Dipper let out a breath and walked over to the table carrying his tray.

"Hello everyone, my name is Alex and I will be your waiter tonight. Here's some water to start you all off tonight. If you want I could take your jackets or anything else you might want stowed away while you eat."

The one in the center lowered his sunglasses to give Dipper a steely look. "Everything stays, understand?"

Dipper adjusted his little bow tie nervously. "Of course, sir! I'll be right back with some menus."

He walked off and turned his ear piece back on. "Guys, Plan A has failed. Commence with Plan B!"

"This is Pacifica, I'm almost ready. I'm surprised how easily the owner went along with this once we flashed our badges."

Dipper walked in to the kitchen where the Love God was attempting to choke down a turkey.

"Benefit to being a government supported private investigator. Since we're with the government there's always a chance we could audit their taxes."

"We can do that?" asked Pacifica.

"Yes and no. Its one of those could vs should type of scenarios."

"Oh..."

"Doesn't mean they have to know about it though."

"Um... I'm going to get out there and start singing. Be ready."

"Way to make things awkward Sherlock!" snapped the Love God.

"I'm turning off my earpiece now!" Dipper and Pacifica said in unison.

"Awww! That's so cute! They said it at the same time." the Love God cooed.

Dipper picked up some menus and raced out the double doors.

He got out just in time to see Pacifica on stage. She was wearing a bright blue sequin dress with slender little shoulder straps.

Dipper almost whispered out the words "A vision of loveliness" but he quickly remembered how everyone could hear his 'whispers-under-his-breath' and decided to just keep it himself. He bustled over to the table and handed everyone their menus.

"Move it, ya mook!" said one of the gangsters. "I can't see the broad!"

Dipper go out of the way just as Pacifica started singing.

If I had a tiny microphone

Dipper moved to the back of booth ever so quietly.

Hidden in my heart

He looked over everybody from behind. If the bug really was in a piece of Tupperware then it would be easy to spot. At the very least Dipper would be able to detect where they were trying to hide it.

It would amplify my love for you

From one end to the next Dipper couldn't spot any sign of the bug. This left him with a much more difficult option, searching underneath the table.

But the words get stuck in my throat

Dipper crouched down to the ground and started to crawl on the ground.

The words get stuck in my throat

He crawled around to the front of the booth. Thankfully everyone was still watching Pacifica so they didn't notice him.

If I had a little viewmaster

Crawling underneath the table was a real obstacle for Dipper. With all the legs underneath he had to form some small space acrobatics to avoid being detected.

Stuck inside my brain

Dipper spotted a Tupperware container under the leader's foot.

It would snap the pictures all of you

He carefully made his way over to him, maneuvering himself around all the legs and feet.

But the words get stuck in my throat

The leader's foot was seated firmly on top of it. Removing it without notice was going to be tricky to say the least.

The words get stuck in my throat

"Hey boss," a voice rang out from above "how's that bug thing work again?"

If I had a little telegraph

Dipper's eyes shot open at such a request. He immediately moved back.

Tapping in my brain

"Alright, but this is the one time I'm demonstrating it."

It would tap the morsecode "I love you."

He reached his hand down, there was about an inch between the man's arm and Dipper's face. This was it, exposure! Dipper had no way out of this one.

But the words get stuck in my throat

"Wait! Boss," the girl's voice rang out. "maybe we should do this outside!"

The words get stuck in my throat

"Hm... Fair enough. I guess we can have a 'demonstration' outside."

Hey, hey, hey

The song was coming to an end anyways so Dipper decided to come out from under the table while he still could.

What'd I say?

Pacifica was singing with her eyes closed, lost in the moment simply enjoying the song, so she didn't see everybody leave.

Everyday!

She opened her eyes and saw Dipper standing there by his lonesome.

"Wher'd everybody go?"

"Outside. I'm sorry Pacifica, plan A failed."

Pacifica folded her arms.

"What?! Did they not like my singing?!"

"No, they were in to it. They just wanted to give Herbie a 'test drive'."

Pacifica scowled. "Still very rude! Oh well, come on. Let's go investigate them."

Pacifica bustled herself towards the stairs.

"Wait! Pacifica, I really... liked... your singin-and she's up the stairs. Shoot!"

Outside...

Dipper and Pacifica were watching from the rooftop of the building, they had the perfect view for looking down on their circled up little meeting.

"Alright guys, I need a volunteer! Horace! Front and center!"

The crazy guy who was leaning over the booth from earlier jumped to the center of the group. The leader opened the Tupperware just a smidge and Horace stuck his finger in.

*SNAP!*

Horace immediately recoiled his finger out of the box.

"LADIES!!!" hollered the leader. "Line up!!"

The twins along with the one who had a pony tail, none of whom looked happy about the situation.

Horace finally stopped sucking on his finger long enough to look up. He saw the girl with the ponytail first and his eyes were replaced with giant hearts.

My brown eyed girl

As he looked at her, a pink puffy cloud like substance appeared all around her.

You my brown eyed girl

A dopey smile emerged on his face. He took a couple steps towards her and that was all the excuse she needed to start running.

She made a mad dash for her motorcycle and hopped on. *VROOOOOOOOOOOOM!* And just like that she was off over the horizon.

Horace put on his helmet and hopped on his own motorcycle. "Sweetie, wait!!" *VROOOOOOOM!* "I just want to snuggle!!"

The man with the patches grabbed the leader by the jacket. "Hey man!! Sweetie is MY woman!! What's the big idea of having Horace chase after?! Why not one of the twins?!"

The leader merely smiled and held up his hands in an I-don't-know manner. "Sorry Patches, just the luck of the draw! I wouldn't worry though, the bite raw is only temporary."

"Well how long is it supposed to last?!"

"For her? Soon enough. For me?" He gave a predatory grin. "Just long enough."

The tall guy made his way over to the two and got Patches to let go. "Chester, you can't honestly expect me to just let this slide!"

"Patches, Sweetie will be fine as long as we get on top of this and keep Horace in check."

Patches let go of their 'beloved' leader. "You're right..."

"Everybody hop on your bikes! We got some cock blocking to do!!"

"Boss!!" yelled Patches. "That isn't funny!!"

As they raced off Dipper and Pacifica were left on the roof watching them disappear over the horizon.

"Well THAT happened!"

"Yeah, Pacifica it looks like you get your wish! We have to go disguise shopping."

"Yes!! Oh wait, that reminds me. Dipper, you're really good at inventing stuff right?"

"I made your magnet gun didn't I?"

"Yeah, still looking forward to you walking me through the ins and outs of that thing by the way; anyways, I was thinking what if you made me some hoop earrings?"

"Pacifica," Dipper deadpanned. "I make gadgets, practical ones for the job, not jewelry."

"No, no, no. See, that's the thing! They only LOOK like earrings!"

"What?"

"Yeah, in fact they're a pair science nerd handcuffs in disguise!"

Dipper took out a pen and started to chew on it.

"Polarized magnetic cuffs... perhaps a button activation... yeah that could work. Okay! Pacifica, I will get working on this right away!"

As Dipper headed to stairs he failed to notice Pacifica smile at his retreating form.

The RV...

"Come on, Pacifica! You've been in there for two hours! You said you were going to do my disguise too, remember?"

"Fashion takes time and disguise is an ART! You can't rush art!!" Pacifica snapped.

The Love God was leaning against the back of the RV with a certain smirk on his face. "I'm surprised you're so eager to see her finished after what a rush you were to finish your shopping with her."

"She may live in an RV but she's every bit the shopaholic she's always been." clarified Dipper.

The door opened capturing the attention of the two men. Out came Pacifica, she was dressed in a black leather jacket with pink triangles on the cuffs, on her legs was a pair of ripped blue jeans, and her hair was done up in to a ponytail each with black hair dye on the end. Her make up job consisted of eyeliner, purple eye shadow, and red lipstick. "Well boys, what do you think?"

Dipper's jaw dropped at the sight of her.

American woman! Stay away from meeee!

Dipper felt his entire body heat up.

American woman! Momma let me beeee!

Dipper's body became as stiff as a board. "Excuse me..." Dipper turned around and walked rigidly to the back of the RV.

"I was expecting at least SOME kind of feedback!" complained Pacifica.

*SPPPRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYY*

"Is that the hose I hear?"

A moment later Dipper came back drenched from head to toe.

"You look great!"

Omake

Dipper had went inside to dry off, leaving Pacifica alone with the Love God once again.

"Love God, can you please stop grinning at me like that?!"

"Come on, girl! Admit it!! You loved his reaction to your disguise!"

Pacifica blushed with an angry scowl!

"Ugh! I swear, you're almost as bad as Mabel!"

The Love God's expression turned serious.

"Wait! What do you mean I'm 'ALMOST' as bad as someone?! I'm the LOVE GOD!!! When it comes to fluffy embarrassment I'm top tier, Baby! What did Mabel even do?!"

"Well she gave us a gift basket and then we opened this secret compartment which had condoms in it. There was also a note which... Are you taking notes?!"

The Love God was in fact scribbling furiously on a note pad which just seemed to pop out of nowhere.

"Of course! A good idea is still a good idea! Condoms in the gift basket, I gotta use that one! You can't make up this stuff!"

Chapter Text

Pacifica sat on a fold out chair as she waited for Dipper to come out of the RV. One would NOT say that she was currently having a good time however, as the Love God had basically tripled his efforts in getting Pacifica to admit her feelings for Dipper. She was sitting with a bored expression on her face with her eyelids half lowered. Instead of entertaining the Love God's accusations and 'attacks' with defensive arguments and denials, she had come up with but a single dry response which she felt capitalized on her feelings towards both the Love God and his constant pushing of her towards Dipper.

"Stupid Cupid, quit picking on me." Pacifica emphasized flatly.

"Oh come on, you know you love it when he can't take his eyes off of you!"

"Stupid Cupid, quit picking on me." she repeated.

"And he literally had to hose himself down after he saw you in your biker outfit! You can't tell me you weren't pleased by that!"

"Stupid Cupid, quit picking on me."

Dipper came out of the RV holding a little jar of disappearing cream.

"Found it! It WAS in your closet and it did collapse on me just like I was afraid it would do to you."

Pacifica rolled her eyes at Dipper's I-told-you-so. "It is no one's fault that I don't have a bigger closet."

He tossed Pacifica the jar and she gave him his chair.

Pacifica got to work straight away applying coverup to Dipper's birthmark.

"So..." Pacifica began. "How's those earrings I asked you to make coming along?"

"They're almost done. You're really good at this disguise thing."

"For the longest time make up was my life, Dipper. So I guess things like disguises just come naturally to me. There! Completely concealed."

"It feels weird using make up to cover up my birthmark."

"Well you only have to do it this once. I'll go get your jacket in the RV."

He couldn't help but smile as he watched her run off into their vehicle.

"You know," Dipper spoke loudly enough for her to hear him from inside the RV. "I've also been thinking about a gadget lipstick for you!"

"What color?" Pacifica called back. "I know you probably think something like that isn't important but to me it is actually very important!"

"I don't know... red?"

"But what SHADE of red?! Are we talking cherry or... wait." Pacifica poked her head out of the doorway. "Would it have a laser?"

"Laser? No! It would be more of a tracking thing. What is it with you and lasers?"

"Everyone loves lasers Dipper, they're lasers!"

"Well your new magnet gun already has a laser. That's laser enough for you, Missy."

Pacifica's eyes widened. "It has a laser?! What's it like?!"

"Oh for pity's... Pacifica get out of there! The time for a walk through on your new gun is NOW!"

The Craft Shack...

Mabel was busy adding flowers to her basket weaving when a tingle ran up her spine.

"I sense a great surge in the light side of love! This can only mean ONE thing! My bro-bro and Pacifica are getting cozy!!!"

Pacifica and Dipper were cheek to cheek, both were blushing but the smiles they wore were identical. However, they were so close that neither of them could see any of this. Pacifica liked the gun Dipper had made for her, he said it was a more advanced version of a weapon he used as a kid and early in his career. The whole thing was a bright white while a bunch of important smaller parts of the gun were royal blue, and a bright yellow was the last color which decorated the smallest pieces of the gun.

"Okay, you've learned how to stick to something metal like the RV, you learned how to pull something towards yourself AND push it away with the hubcap, so the only things left to teach you are the magna-pulse and the laser. Now remember to be careful, MY version of this gun is powerful it can rip a person's fillings out of their mouth from FIVE hundred feet away!"

"Yes, laser please!"

"Okay the laser works by creating magnetic waves which are ridden upon by... do you actually want to know how it works or do you just want me to teach you how to do it?"

"Just how to do it please!"

Next to the RV the Love God was watching their whole scene with a huge smile on his face. "I love my job."

From the corner of her eye she could see the Love God grinning at them. She quickly turned and aimed her magnet gun at the Love God. "New target!!"

*ZZZZZAAAAAAAAP!*

"Okay, a teacher/mentor/superior-officer would ask what that was all about... good thing I'm your partner now! Nice shot! I'll go get your earrings!"

Dipper raced off and Pacifica watched his back with a loving smile on her face.

The Love God walked over to her, his face was singed pretty good. "Okay, this whole hurting me for no reason thing has got to stop!"

Pacifica rolled up her eyes in thought, looking like she was really considering it. *ZZZZZAAAAAAAAP!* The Love God was once again sent flying backwards from the laser of Pacifica's gun.

"Oops." she smirked. "Oh no, look what happened accidentally on purpose. I suppose its the trigger, just too easy to pull... when you're right in front of me."

The Love God walked back again but this time he was cleaning his face with the bottom of his shirt.

"Ignoring the disrespect for a moment; so you're not still going to try and tell me that there's nothing between you and..."

"It. Is. JUST! A. Crush!" emphasized Pacifica. "They can come and go without reason so I just have to wait until THIS one decides to go away!"

"Mm-hmm! Listen girl, you ackin' so cray cray right now that I got to set you straight!" he emphasized 'cray cray' with some neck movements which were just oozing with sass. "What's going on with you and Sherlock in there is way too big to considered something as small as a crush!"

Pacifica didn't like where this conversation was headed. "Dipper?" she called. "You almost done in there?"

"I need half a minute!" Dipper called back. "I misplaced them a little, but don't worry!"

"Uh-Oh!" she whispered.

"If it was just a crush it'd be gone by now. What you have is nothing less than Grade A love!"

"No!"

"Yes! Girl, you are in love with that man because nobody makes you happier than THAT man!"

"I can't be 'in love' with him because it doesn't make SENSE! I mean he's... he's... well he's DIPPER! The nerd from ten years ago who taught me I didn't have to be like my parents!"

"Sense?!" echoed the Love God. "Whoever told you that love made sense! It can act without rhyme or reason and is super crazy! Love is wild and free and comes at your face with force of a lightning bolt! And most importantly of all, love can NOT be stopped! Even if you go all denial crazy about it... stop looking terrified. Stop looking terrified. Stop looking terrified!"

*PLOOT!*

Dipper walked over and blew some steam off the muzzle of his gun. "Oh no. Look at that. I accidentally on purpose shot him in the face."

Pacifica wore a humored grin. "Did you find my earrings?"

"Yep." He dropped a couple of shining purple earrings in to her hand. "I also found this pine green leather jacket which I have to say is kind of nice. This the jacket you were talking about?"

"Yep. That's the one!"

"I love it! Very me!"

The Snuggle Chains' base...

The stationary base of the Snuggle Chains left a lot to be desired. It was basically an old abandoned apartment building with wooden planks covering the windows. Patches, Horace, and Sweetie were parked outside waiting for their kin to show up.

"Horace, you remember that Sweetie is MY girl, right?" asked Patches.

Horace sighed lovingly as Sweetie continued to hold a pipe in his direction threateningly.

"I remember. I just don't care." he swooned.

"You'd care if I bashed your skull in!!"

"Meh. Not really. Loving Sweetie makes life worth living, even if it were to come to an abrupt end!"

"You just stay away from me ya love crazed psycho!!" threatened Sweetie.

"I'll wait for you as long as I have to!"

"You're going to be waiting in a PINE box if you don't step off my woman!!"

The sound of a can bouncing off the ground caught their attention and around the corner came Dipper and Pacifica.

Their outfits were complete with Dipper's black jeans to go with with his new spikey hair while Pacifica wore cut offs and black lipstick which matched her jacket.

"Who are you, Bozos?" asked Patches.

"I'm Needles." answered Dipper. "And this is my girl uh..."

"Llama Hair!" Pacifica chimed in quickly.

The bikers raised an eyebrow at her name but didn't seem to question it.

"Normally we don't take kindly to trespassers on our... What was it called again?" asked Patches.

"Turf, Honey."

"Right, on our 'turf' but the two of you seem odd."

"..........Okay. So we just blew in to town and..."

*VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!*

"Oh good." remarked Sweetie. "The others are back."

The other bikers showed up and parked their bikes next to the three.

"Welcome back, where's 'Prince Charmless'?" asked Patches.

"Went to go howl at his 'moon'." answered Chester.

"Who are these clowns?" asked one of the twins.

"This is Needles and... Llama Hair." explained Sweetie.

"Llama Hair, that's a name I could understand." said Chester.

"Seriously?"

"But what kind of name is 'Needles?"

The other twin came up and grabbed Dipper by his shirt. She looked him over up and down, then grinned.

"Is it because you're real good at 'poking' women?"

Before Dipper could respond Pacifica shoved the woman off of him with a look of fury. "Back off, sister!! That's MY man-meat!! Understand?!"

The biker twin pushed her back. "If I were you I'd remember whose turf your on, tourist!!"

Pacifica stumbled back, struggling to regain her balance. Dipper caught her but something fell out of her pocket and on to the ground. This immediately caught everyone's attention.

It was Pacifica's badge.

"Hey!" snapped Patches. "These two aint bikers! They're nothing but a couple of pigs!!"

"WHAT did you just call me?!" snapped Pacifica.

Dipper grabbed Pacifica and carried her around the corner of the building just barely dodging a thrown chain.

"Cover's blown!" Dipper handed her the magnet gun. "Time to fight back!"

Dipper and Pacifica sprang around the corner with their guns catching the Snuggle Chains off guard. *PLOOT!* *ZZZZZAAAAAAAAP!*

"They're packing heat! DUCK!!"

The two detectives quickly stood back to back but a chain wrapped itself around Dipper's leg. By the time Dipper noticed he was yanked away leaving Pacifica alone.

"Pretty bird is all alone now!" seethed Horace.

"What now, Biker Barbie?" snapped one of the twins.

"Let's answer that question with another question." Pacifica smiled. "Are those metal piercings?"

While Pacifica was handling Horace and the twins, Dipper wasn't fairing so well. Patches had Dipper on his knees trying to use a chain to strangle the life out of him.

"Time you saw exactly why we call ourselves the Snuggle Chains! We aint trying to be ironic, our name is actually very appropriate in that we use our chains to snuggle up real tight around your neck till you go to 'sleep'."

Dipper thought that perhaps this was it, it took everything he had just to keep from being strangled, despite his intelligence Dipper didn't see a way out of this one. This was not his final hour however, as the chains suddenly went flying off his neck.

Both Patches and Dipper turned to see Pacifica holding her magnet gun and giant smile on her face. "Your friends a bit stuck on each other. Who else wants a piece?!"

As Patches stood in a daze Dipper stood up next to him and shrugged nonchalantly. "Well you can't say I don't know how to pick'em. LEFT HOOK!!!"

*POW!*

Knocking Patches down with his sucker punch gave Dipper some nostalgic feelings from when he learned to box with Mabel.

"Ow!"

"Ow!"

"Ow!"

"Ow!"

"Ow!"

"Ow!"

Pacifica turned around and saw the mohawk twins hobbling over to her. Their faces were stuck together since Pacifica had magnetized their facial piercings. She did her best not to laugh.

"We're going to cut off that pretty face of yours!!"

They took out a couple of knives and took turns trying to stab her. Their symmetry was a little too impressive... "Have you two done this before?! It seems like you've had a lot of practice in this."

Despite the oncoming threat of the twins, Pacifica saw Sweetie running up from behind them swinging her chain.

"Alright, let's try a MAGNA-PULSE!!"

A ripple wave shot out of Pacifica's magnet gun, at first nothing seemed to happen but then the twins reeled their arms back. Their knives sped backwards taking their holders with them.

*CLANG!*

The knives were entangle in Sweetie's chain and the twins' faces were plopped right on top of the mess because of their piercings.

Back with Dipper, he was currently dodging attacks from the tall man named Chester. He had a pair of brass knuckles and was using his own boxing to put Dipper on the defensive. Because of the brass knuckles Dipper couldn't even block, all he could do was dodge and wait for an opening.

*MEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!*

"What the...?"

A cat, of all things, soared in between them screaming for it's life.

Dipper looked in the direction the cat came from and saw Horace dashing towards them swinging a cat around over his head by it's tail.

Chester facepalmed. "Horace, we talked about this!"

"Face my furry fury!!"

"Who uses cats as weapons?! Honestly!"

Pacifica aimed her magnet gun at Horace. "How'd you get out of my magnetic trap?!"

"My 'piercings' were clip-ons!!!" explained Horace.

*VRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!*

Another motorcyclist drove in cutting paths between Dipper, Pacifica, and the bikers.

"Another one?! Time to get really serious!" Dipper held up his gun and started to adjust the dial. "Let's see how well they can drive on ice!!"

"EVERYBODY STOP!!"

The new biker took off his helmet to reveal his brown hair curled up on top of his head like a chocolate soft served ice cream. "I KNOW THESE GUYS!!! THEY CAN HELP US!!!"

Shockingly enough, the attacks stopped. For some reasons the bikers were listening to them.

Patches walked over to the man and looked him in the eye with dead seriousness. "Ruffles, they're pigs!"

"Yeah, but if I know them then they aint ordinary pigs. I honestly think they can help."

Patches raised an eyebrow at him. "Alright man, but if this falls through then YOU'RE going to be the one to pay for it. I'll personally see to it!"

Omake

The biker named Ruffles heaved a sigh and turned to Dipper and Pacifica.

"That was a close one huh? Sorry about all that, the transition from being a biker gang to a street gang hasn't exactly been pleasant."

Dipper and Pacifica stared at the man silently for a moment.

Finally Pacifica said what was on both of their minds. "Who are YOU and WHY did you help us?!"

"Wait! You guys don't recognize me? Dipper, you I could buy since its' been about ten years... but Pacifica? You and I are from the same hometown, girl!"

"Wait! You're a Fallser like me?"

"Enough with the mystery, there's something I'd never thought I'd say, who ARE you?"

This mysterious biker spread his arms out wide and declared "My name is Gorney!"

Chapter Text

Dipper and Pacifica were in their normal outfits now, sitting with the bikers in front of their RV.

Gorney had been acting as their mediator. He was ready to begin but he needed to do a quick sidebar with Patches.

"Ruffles, are sure about these two?"

"Pacifica is tougher than she looks and Dipper... well remember when I told you about how I gotten eaten by that candy monster as a kid?"

"The one that 'twaumatized' you?"

"Ha. Ha. Ha." Gorney rolled his eyes. "I miss my R one time... Anyways, yeah! That's the one! That thing may have eaten me but Dipper and his friends? They managed to KILL that thing!"

"Alright man. Nuff said."

Patches shook hands with Gorney and took his seat with the rest of the bikers. Gorney swung his arms into a clap earning everyone's attention.

"Okay, first lets start off with introductions. You all know me," he held out his arms wide "My name is Gorney; but here in the gang I go by the name Ruffles. This is because I'll ruffle your feathers and I love ruffled potato chips." He motioned over to Patches. "This is Patches, he's second in command of our little gang." He pointed at the twins with the Mohawk and reverse Mohawk. "These are the twins, Plug and Outlet. Named that for obvious reasons. Moving over to greater heights is the tallest member of group Chester, he graduated from the Queensberry Rules class of boxing."

Pacifica leaned over to Dipper and whispered. "Is that supposed to be some kind of elective or something?"

"I wouldn't call attention to it." Dipper whispered back.

Gorney continued as if they hadn't said anything. "Here we have Sweetie, debutante of our little gang and our best chain welder."

She merely nodded at the detectives letting Gorney move on.

"And finally we have our official wild card, Horace."

Gorney held up a chain where at the end of it Horace was cocooned in a mess of chains.

"Have I told you about my Sweetie yet?" asked Horace.

"I am NOT yours!!" snapped Sweetie.

"So minus our 'fearless leader'," continued Gorney. "That's our little street gang. Snuggle Chains, this is Dipper and Pacifica from my hometown of Gravity Falls. They were at the epicenter for more than one crazy goings on there and it looks like they turned their experience in to a career."

"Nice to uh 'officially' meet you." greeted Dipper.

"Are you sure you guys are a 'street' gang? You don't really look like you like being stationary, to me it looks like you'd prefer to be out on the road." asked Pacifica.

"That's because we originally WERE a biker gang! This whole street gang crap isn't by choice!" explained Patches.

"Ya see," Gorney started. "We're bound by our own rules and laws to obey the leader of the group, the guy who isn't here, no matter what it is. Even if its to abandon our biker history and become a... sigh... a street gang."

"Well why don't you just boot him as the leader?" asked Pacifica.

"We don't work like that! Mutinies aren't really the way of the Snuggle Chains! The only way you can lose rank of leader is through a trial by combat or lack of appearance."

"Lack of appearance?" asked Pacifica.

"Yeah, you know. Like if he doesn't show up or make contact in like three months or something. As far as trial by combat goes... none of us have been able to take him down." Gorney put a hand on Patches' shoulder. "Even our own Patches has tried three times and failed."

"No one can swing a chain better than our 'fearless' leader Julian." Patches clarified.

"Okay so why does 'Julian' want the Love God's stupid bug?" asked Pacifica.

"So he can use it, duh!" snapped Sweetie.

Pacifica was about to stand up and say something but Dipper managed to settle her down.

"Allow me to rephrase!" pleaded Dipper. "What is Julian's plan WITH the bug? What's his motive?"

"In order to understand that you need to understand a little bit of Julian's history." explained Gorney "He wasn't always the punk he is today, he was actually born in to a very rich family but then one day his family lost it all. Bankruptcy! He took it personally; so he grew up bitter and angry at the world for forcing him to a life he was not accustomed to. Thing was, he could never really do anything about... well until one night he met the quote unquote 'love of his life'... Diana. A rich debutante who decided to see how the other half lived. "

"Diana?" echoed Pacifica.

"This is about a girl?" scoffed Dipper.

"They were both sort of young when they first met. Diana represented everything taken away from Julian, and Diana... well she was going through a phase."

"Teenaged rebellion?" queried Dipper.

"You got it. Except Julian never got to be the 'bad boy' a girl dates to piss off her parents."

"Why not?" asked Pacifica.

"No chemistry. That's right, she just came down from up on high to get a taste of the biker experience but she never developed a taste for Julian. For him it was love at first sight but she was only uninterested when it came to him. It was like Romeo and Juliet... just without the Juliet. Or is it without the Romeo? I guess without..."

"Gorney!" Pacifica snapped. "Focus!"

"Oh! Sorry. Anyways, her little rebellion only lasted about a week, then she was gone. Julian didn't like that, he didn't like that at all. Diana represented his old life, and he figured that if he really wanted to get it back then he would have to get with her but..."

"She didn't care about him." finished Dipper.

"We're talking about a below zero cold shoulder. This went on for years, Julian pinning for a woman who just wouldn't love him back. He refused to leave the city, made us give up our life on the road until he could get what he wanted. It seemed like a dead end for him; right up until he came across a certain hippie."

"The Love God." Dipper deadpanned.

"You got it. We saw this loser on the internet and when we found out he was in town we decided to..."

"Rob him?" asked Pacifica.

"What? No!! We decided beating on him would be a good time because he looks like the type who would make funny noises when you hit him! We were correct, but then he tried to fight us with some stupid thing called Visions of Heartbreak Past. Didn't even slow us down, some of us may be drop outs but we're smart enough to know people aren't bright pink."

"So how did you learn about the bug?" asked Dipper.

"Well Julian realized that if he can do something like create images of our exes then maybe he had some other legit love crap he could use. At first he just wanted that stupid rope belt but in an act of defiance Chubs smashed all the bottles so he had to rough him up a bit. That's when he squeaked about how he made his potions and our 'leader' decided to take the bug."

"So he's going to use it on Diana so she'll love him." deduced Dipper.

"Yes and no. Julian decided that just having her love him wouldn't be enough to get his old life back, instead he thought up of something much worse. After having the bug bite her and being the first person she sees, he... well skipping all the nuts and bolts he puts a baby in her belly."

"He's going to rape her?!" roared Pacifica.

"Its not rape if she consents." Gordy clarified.

"Yes it is!!" argued Pacifica.

"Pacifica," Dipper soothed. "let the man finish, then you can be as upset as you like. I'll even join you."

"Now, like I was trying to say... getting Diana pregnant is just a means to an end. To save her reputation her parents might insist that she marry him to avoid paparazzi vultures, but even if they don't he'd still be entitled to visitation rights. They aren't the type to support abortion if you know what I mean."

Pacifica said nothing but her eye was twitching irritably.

"Okay, we have the motive now. So his scheme is to have Diana bit so she can fall in love with him long enough for him to...yeah! Now tell us, exactly when and where is he making his move?" asked Dipper.

"Tomorrow night, at their giant mansion." answered Patches.

"That doesn't give us a lot of time to make a plan. Even if we just walk right up and arrest him something could still happen to the bug, it could scurry off or even get squished." pondered Dipper.

"That's where we can come in. If you can promise us that you'll put Julian away long enough for us to be free from him, then we can surround the place closing off his escape and ensuring the two of you can take your time to secure the bug and arrest him!" Patches

"Okay, that's a good start but that still doesn't answer how we're going to get in." Dipper

"How was Julian going to get in?" asked Pacifica.

"Well," Outlet began. "Julian managed to intercept one of their invitations before it reached the post office. He was going to use that to get in."

"Could you make us a copy or something?" asked Dipper.

"Yeah, I doubt Julian would even notice what we're doing what with how much preparation he's going in to on how he looks."

"That brings us to another little issue, Dipper. We can disguise ourselves as party goers but that means that you are going to need a tuxedo, so you know what that means don't you?" Pacifica smirked.

Dipper paled at the realization.

"Oh no..."

"Shopping!!"

A small chuckle rippled through the crowd of bikers.

"Pacifica, please..."

"Tuxes aren't cheap, Dipper. There's no getting out of this one."

Dipper quickly turned to the others. "Gorney? Bikers?? Help?!"

The window the RV opened and the Love God poked his head out.

"Can I come out yet? Like they aren't going to beat me? Right?"

"Yeah, I think you're safe." Dipper answered dryly.

"You're kidding me! HE'S your client?" asked Plug.

"Yes, but we're not happy about it either." Pacifica deadpanned.

"Are you seriously surprised?"

"Guess not." shrugged Outlet.

"So have you come up with a flawless plan to rescue my little Herbie yet?"

"Sort of." answered Pacifica.

"We have PARTS of a plan!" confessed Dipper. "There's still a LOT of details to try and iron out."

The Love God ventured out of the RV and placed his arms around Dipper and Pacifica.

"Well sometimes you just have to wing it. Maybe that's what we should do here!" pitched the Love God.

"...I hate everything about that idea!" Dipper sneered.

"You know, he makes a squeaky noise when you punch him in the gut." notified Plug.

Pacifica delivered a quick blow to the Love God's stomach.

*SQUEAKY!*

"Huh. I feel a little better now."

Dipper sighed. "This isn't going to be easy."

"Oh!!" Pacifica piped up. "I just realized! We still have to warn Diana!!"

"Good thinking, Pacifica! Patches, Julian's a dirt bag of a creep so he's gotta have some means of contacting her, right?"

"Yeah, you'd THINK he'd have her phone number or something but she's actually been pretty dedicated at making sure he doesn't get any of that kind of stuff."

"Then how'd he get the invite?" Dipper raised an eyebrow.

"Nobody's perfect." shrugged Patches.

"Alright then, we'll do it in person then."

"I wouldn't bet on it." cringed Chester.

"Why not?"

"She's kind of busy running all over town in final preparations for tomorrow's party." explained Gorney. "You'd never catch her bro."

"Fine then, we're just going to have to wing it and adapt to the changes and wild cards!"

The next evening...

Dipper and Pacifica pulled up to a huge mansion. Its building structure was very similar to the Northwest but were as the Northwest mansion had stone walls and hedges this one had sidewalks and street lamps.

"So this is the place huh? Say, why don't we just intercept the creep before he even gets in?" pitched Pacifica.

"Because that could hurt the bug, and the more cautious we are the more likely we won't see the Love God again." answered Dipper.

"Fair enough. This is a pretty decent sized mansion though, it could be very easy to lose track of that buttface inside. We'll have to be diligent!" noted Pacifica.

"Reminds me a lot of your old mansion. Does this place give you any nostalgia for your old childhood home?" Dipper asked.

"A little, but not a lot. Yeah, this place is just as fancy but there's more than a few differences too."

"What do you mean?"

"Well for starters, this place isn't up on a hill overlooking the town. It is down here on the ground with the people. Next there's no wall to keep people out, there isn't even a gate. This place is more of a town hall then a private mansion."

"I think I understand what you're saying. It's like... like..."

Pacifica smiled. "Northwest Mansion... Pines style."

They parked the RV and Dipper and the Love God got out so Pacifica could change in to her dress gown.

"Why are we even out here? I thought she had a privacy screen... you know, the one in front of her bed."

Dipper knew it was because Pacifica wanted her outfit to be a big reveal, it was the Northwest in her, but he also had a job for the Love God.

"Because you have to set out to do your part!" Dipper handed the Love God their weapons and regular clothes. "Obviously we can't go in there fully tricked out so we need you to be waiting outside one of the windows to give us our essentials."

"Hey, this is a really nice green fedora!"

"Yes. Yes it is. Now get going!"

The Love God wobbled off towards the mansion struggling to keep everything stacked.

"And you'd better not lose anything!!" Dipper shouted.

Inside the RV...

Pacifica was admiring herself in the bathroom mirror. She had to admit, it looked much better on her then her lounge singer dress. It was a simple evening dress, no shoulders, but the shade of red was striking and demanded attention. It wasn't made of silk, such a material she had to sacrifice for her new life, but she wore it well and secretly hoped that Dipper would 'appreciate' it. And best of all was it was on sale; Pacifica always appreciated a good sale and this one got Dipper a new tux as well.

She was ready to grace the outside world with her presence but it occurred to her that she hadn't had the RV to herself since she got the magical flue so she took a moment to take everything in. Her bed, the privacy curtain Dipper had created for her in a oh-so gentleman manner, the kitchen nook where she had that death battle with the pancake monster, Dipper's fold out couch bed (it just occurred to her that Dipper literally sleeps on the couch for no greater reason than her sake), the television on the table across from it where she watched her shows... they might not be HBO quality but she found herself wrapped up in them none the less; then in the stretch there was the door outside where Dipper was waiting and beyond that...

"The driver's seat..." she muttered.

While the true memorable thing about up there was her using the RV to hit Edna with, there was always memory about it lingering in the back of her head. One stormy night she flipped through his book and found a page about the Jersey Devil. It was blank though, he hadn't written anything there. It was very strange, even by Dipper's standards.

She shrugged. It was another problem for another day, right now it was time to dazzle.

Pacifica kicked the door to the RV open and struck a pose. "Presenting, Detective Northwest!"

She walked out of the RV as if she was a model on the cat walk. She held her chin up in confidence and peeked an eye open for Dipper's reaction. His reaction was actually different from seeing her in her biker disguise. He wasn't as stiff as a board, his jaw wasn't on the floor, and he was only a little red. He did have his mouth open in a open faced grin, he definitely liked what he saw.

'Not quite what I was aiming for, but I'll take it.' thought Pacifica.

"Well, how do I look?"

"You look..."

"Amazing? Of course I do! I look amazing in anything! Of course it takes, like, silk to truly make me shine but I can pull anything off!"

"Hard to argue with the results!"

Pacifica's smile only grew. "Okay now it's your turn! Go put on your tux!"

She started pushing him in to the RV. "I still don't understand why I couldn't wear my butler outfit."

"Ugh! You were NOT pulling that look off at all! You should be, like, thanking me for finding you an outfit which actually suits you!"

"Alright, alright!" Dipper went in. "I shouldn't be long."

With the door closed, Pacifica proceeded to wait.

'Hm...' she thought to herself. 'We really need to pack some lawn chairs or something. I always feel like we should be sitting down to wait; especially when we don't know for certain how long we'll be waiting. I say lawn chairs but I keep picturing a picnic table instead. Maybe I should have a talk with Dipper about this?'

"Okay, I think I'm ready as I can be."

Pacifica playfully rolled her eyes. "Alright then, let's see the damage."

Dipper stepped out and Pacifica's jaw dropped.

Every woman's crazy about a sharp dressed man

"Well? How do I look?"

Pacifica could feel a little bit of drool seeping out from the side of her mouth. She quickly slapped herself to bring her back down to Earth.

"Wow Dipper! You look really- wait..."

"What? What's wrong?"

Dipper's bow tie had come completely undone.

"Your bow tie, you didn't do it right."

She walked right over to him and started to fix it for him.

"I can't believe you never learned how to wear a tie properly. Solve supernatural mysteries? No problem. Wear a tie? Completely helpless. I swear the more things change the more they stay the same."

She was almost done when decided to take a chance and glance up at his face. There was a light blush on both of their faces, Pacifica's eyes darted back down to her job.

"All things considered though, you do look like a rather dapper Dipper."

"Thanks." Dipper squeaked.

Dipper's tie was done and Pacifica stood quietly in front of him with her hands folded patiently.

Dipper held out his elbow to her. "Shall we?"

She hooked his arm. "Let's shall! Half the point of parties like these is to show off anyways! Let's knock'em dead!!"

The mansion...

The inside of the mansion reminded Dipper of the Northwests, there was fancy everything! Pacifica, on the other hand was looking all over the place at the guests. For once Dipper was stumped, he couldn't figure out what she was doing.

"Pacifica! Head in the game! We have to get ready!"

"Dipper, wait! I recognize these people!"

"What do you mean?"

"The guests! I know them! Those twins over there, they're Yolanda and Yolinda! And over there! That's Joanne, she's from..."

"Whoa! Whoa! Slow down, Sweetheart! Exactly how many people here do you know?"

"Like, maybe half!"

"Really?"

"An argument could be made for more but yes!"

"How?? How do you know these people?"

"I'm a Northwest, remember? I grew up with the upper crust, some of these people I've known since I was a little girl others I only recognize from my globe hopping wonder years!"

"What does this mean for us? Are they like your father or...?"

"No. Not really. If anything I think it might actually give us an advantage."

"How do you mean?"

"Well I don't think we can disguise ourselves as anything other than what we are. I'm too recognizable here. I do think, however, if we explain our situation they'd be willing to help us out."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously! We might have just gotten ourselves a heap full of allies!"

Dipper loosened up a little.

"This is great!"

"It really is. Now buckle up, Sherlock. You're gonna be in MY world soon enough!"

Omake

Dipper and Pacifica walked up to a butler who was standing in front of the door to the ballroom.

"How may I announce you?" asked the butler.

"Oh! Well this is Pacifica Northwest and I'm... uh..."

"This!" Pacifica cut in. "Is my HUSBAND, Mason "Dipper" Pines!"

Dipper's mind went blank for a second as he stared at Pacifica in shock. His blush seemed to light the entire room with it's red glow.

Pacifica looked at him with a tense smile. "Isn't that RIGHT, Dippy... pants?"

Dipper swallowed a large lump in his throat.

"THAT'S RIGHT, MY SWEET LITTLE POOPY-HEAD!" Dipper awkwardly shouted.

The butler rolled his eyes. "Stay right here." He opened the door and stepped out in to the ballroom.

"What was with the volume?!" Pacifica whispered harshly.

"I panicked!" Dipper confessed. "You sprung that out of nowhere!! Why did you do that?!"

"How else would you explain someone who ISN'T rich or famous being with a Northwest?!" she hissed.

"Fine! Anything else you want to criticize me for?!"

"Poopy-head?" shot Pacifica.

"Dippy-pants?" Dipper shot back.

"Fair enough." Pacifica deadpanned.

She sighed and gave Dipper a comforting look. "We can do this!" The butler bowed letting them in. "Just follow my lead!"

Chapter Text

Pacifica had spent the past hour 'introducing' Dipper to her old friends. Of course they were also on the look out for Julian but so far the man was a total no show. Dipper was rather tense every time Pacifica referred to him as her 'husband' but it also made him kind of happy. Of course there was the occasional question like "Where are the rings?" or "How come we didn't hear about it?" but Pacifica had an answer for each and everyone. "The rings are being encrusted with diamond encrusted diamonds." or Dipper's favorite "Daddy, didn't approve so we eloped." She did let everyone know that the 'riffraff' named Julian was trying to sneak his way in and if they were to see a man matching the descriptions they tell them to come and find them immediately.

"I can't believe how much all rich people know each other." Dipper mused.

"Hey! Not all rich people know each other! I never even knew about Julian OR Diana before this case! And most of these people here I only know through my parents."

"Except for the ones you met on your world tour during your wonder years."

"Except them." Pacifica deadpanned.

Speaking of whom, the woman Pacifica had pointed out earlier named Joanne was headed straight for them. It was strange but for some reason couldn't place exactly what country she was from.

'Maybe I'm overworked. Pacifica might be right, I could use a dai oof... Jimminy Cricket! I can't even THINK the words right!' Dipper mentally cursed.

"Joanne!!" Pacifica continued her greeting in a language Dipper didn't understand. She looked to Dipper and continued "Dipper, this is my old friend Joanne. She's from..."

"Watch it, ya mook!!"

The sound of the new voice immediately captured Dipper's attention. That was definitely Julian's voice. Turning his head he saw Julian talking to the doorman with some rather aggressive body language being thrown.

"This suit is more than what you make in a year!! I prefer to be unannounced and that's the way its going to stay! Understand?!"

"Dipper!" Pacifica chirped bringing Dipper back down to Earth. "You were just very rude to Joanne. She left because of you. What's wrong?"

He looked down at her only to be greeted with the weakness he had been developing since he reunited with her.

ACK! Doe eyes!! Oh geez, they're pulling me in like a couple of black holes! Get it together, Dipper!!' He shook his head to snap himself back to his senses. "Pacifica! Our perp just showed up!"

Pacifica's expression quickly turned serious. "Where?"

Dipper started to point where he saw Julian but the man was gone. "Shoot! Okay, here's what we do! I'll go looking for him while you maintain the perimeter here, keep everybody on alert."

Pacifica nodded in agreement.

*KNOCK!**KNOCK!**KNOCK!*

The NOT-so-gentle knocking of a window announced to the detectives the arrival of the Love God with their gear.

"Looks like we can finally suit up." announced Pacifica.

"Uh huh." Dipper barely heard her, his head was still pointed out the room. "I need you to go find him now, while he's still close. You get our gear!"

"On it, partner. Stay safe out there."

Dipper nodded and raced out of the room.

She walked to the Love God's window and opened it for him. He practically threw the gear at her.

"Hey! What the Heck?!" Pacifica snapped as she caught the gear.

"Sorry, I've just been having a rough night. What if the bikers and their attitude, and me finding every single thorn bush to try and 'stay low'."

"I feel so sorry for you."

"While I don't appreciate the sarcasm I'm going to let it slide tonight."

Pacifica raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Because tonight, little lady, is going to be one of the most memorable nights of your life! I'm not supposed to tell you this but the shipper in me is just too strong tonight!"

"What are blabbering about?!"

"Your main man Dipper. He's decided to make a move on you tonight!"

"What?!" Pacifica dropped all of the gear out of her arms.

"Yeah, he's decided this 'romantic tension' thing you two have going on is counterproductive. He's owned up to his feelings for you, maybe its about time you did too."

"I don't have feelings for Dipper! I can't!!"

"Because?"

The Love God suddenly seemed different from the arrogant jerk he usually presented himself as. Yes he was leaning on the windowsill like a jerk but he was void of the usual smugness he seemed to weaponize. He actually looked like the kind of person who would hear every word you would say and be willing to help you with your problem in any way he could. It actually caught her off guard.

"Because...because... Well because he's DIPPER! Why, out of all the people in my life, should it be HIM that I fall in love with?!"

"Pacifica, Sweetie, listen to me. I've been in this love business for an awful long time and if I've learned anything it is this: When it comes to love the question is never "Why?" but "Why not?". So Pacifica Elise Northwest, let me ask you, without any mocking or teasing undertones, 'Why NOT Dipper?'"

Pacifica's mind scrambled for an answer but try as she might she couldn't come up with an excusable answer.

Dipper had managed to trail Julian successfully but he couldn't confront him until he could secure Herbie. He was currently hiding around the corner, waiting for Julian.

'Come on, ya slime ball.' Dipper thought. 'Come on, you piece of trash! I know you got Herbie on you, just show me where. The quicker this case is over the quicker I can get to my serious business with Pacifica. Should I make another chart for that? Focus Dipper!'

He was also mentally kicking himself for not getting his gear from the Love God, some flash bombs would be really useful at the moment. On the other hand, he had already written off the blitzkrieg plan as being too costly... so tailing it was.

Without warning Julian sharply turned around a corner. Shoot! I can't afford to lose him!!'

Dipper raced down the hall and peered around the corner. Julian was at small desk with a flower vase placed on top of it. He was fiddling with something but Dipper couldn't quite make out was it was. Taking a chance, he quietly sneaked closer; he stuck close to the wall in the case there were any squeaky floorboards. From his inside tuxedo jacket Julian pulled out a piece of Tupperware with something jitterbugging around inside.

'So,' Dipper thought. 'THAT'S his plan. Plant the bug with the flowers and get Diana to come to them so it can bite her.'

Dipper was about to get closer but Julian opened the Tupperware just a bit and Herbie took full advantage of it. It pushed against the opening Julian had been starting to make and struggled to make it bigger; this caught Julian by surprise which was just enough of an advantage to lead Herbie to his freedom.

It shot out of the Tupperware and raced down the hall towards the ballroom. This was where things turned south for poor Dipper, because Julian decided to give chase to Herbie making him crash right in to Dipper without a second's notice. Instead of being a tangled mess they just sort of bounced off each other, landing Julian next the desk on the floor.

"Hey!!" Julian snarled. "Watch where you're going ya mo-... wait. Don't I know you?"

"Uh Who? Me??"

"Yeah! You were that waiter at the restaurant!"

"No I wasn't!" flailed Dipper.

They both stood up. "Yes you were! I never forget a face!"

Dipper tried to find a feasible excuse but his mind was drawing a blank.

"Who are you, really?"

'I guess the jig is up!' thought Dipper.

"I am Detective Pines, and YOU Julian are under arrest! For the crimes of theft..."

*SMASH!*

Julian had used the nearby vase as a make shift weapon against Dipper's head, who instantly fell to his knees.

As Dipper struggled to get to his feet, Julian was already racing down the hall with a laugh of "Take THAT ya pig!"

He activated his earpiece. "Pacifica," he winced. "I blew it! Julian is on to us now! He accidentally let Herbie out and they're BOTH headed your way!!"

"What about you?" her voice came through a bit scratchy. The ear radio must have taken the blunt of the damage.

"I got hit in the head with a vase. I'll join you but I need a minute. Be ready!"

Dipper rubbed his head tenderly. It didn't look like he was bleeding so he guessed he lucked out there.

Still kind of woozy he ran down the hallway in a zigzagging line not of his own choice. He made it to the entrance and found Pacifica actually waiting for him.

"Pacifica? Did you... catch Julian already?"

She had an embarrassed frown on and looked at him with an almost apologetic look.

"Uh no, I sort of got intercepted by an old... acquaintance."

"Why would THIS stop you?"

"Pacificaaaa♪." called a voice.

"Because she's a total pain in my butt!" Pacifica deadpanned.

A ginger haired woman who was even taller than even Dipper himself sauntered over to them. She was absurdly tall, even Dipper had to look up to her, and the bright sequins on her silver dress hurt his eyes.

"There you are- Oh!! This must be the man himself! Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Heather. When I overheard the news that a Northwest, let alone my old academy pal Pacifica, had herself marry common rube I could hardly believe it. With the Northwest family being richer than ever I thought for sure Pacifica would aim for something of the likes of a prince of some far off country. Still..." The woman eyed him up and down. "I suppose there is SOMETHING here, you do have a certain lower class rugged charm. Very well," she held out her hand to him. "you may ask me to dance."

Dipper looked at the woman and then back at Pacifica. She looked absolutely miserable, this woman was no friend to Pacifica. He looked back at the woman and gave her a dirty look.

"Well gee, as flattered as I might be I try to make it a personal promise to myself to never dance with trash. Now I could stand here and gab with you all night but I have decided that I simply can NOT spend my evening with any woman other than Pacifica Elise Northwest... Uh Pines!!" Dipper had needed a moment to remember his cover. "And we have many other things to do tonight so we're both going to have to say see ya later!!"

Dipper lead Pacifica away to a corner of the room leaving Heather stunned and open mouthed.

"Pacifica, what was that all about? Exactly who is 'Heather'?"

"Heather is a huge pain in my butt from back when I went to a fancy rich person academy. Her family always comes in second place to mine in just about everything so she tries to make me miserable in any and every way possible whenever she gets the chance."

"Charming."

"I absolutely HATE her!"

"She's really that bad?"

"Let me put it to you this way. She'd be a good match for Julian."

Dipper winced. "Ouch."

"The worst part is, I honestly believe I would have become exactly like her if I hadn't met you and Mabel all those years ago."

He gave her a little nudge.

"Well I guess some girls just aren't as lucky as you are."

Pacifica smiled, a little more than she wanted to. "Yeah, okay maybe you have a point." She moved a little closer to him. "You know, not many guys have the backbone to insult Heather to her face like that."

Dipper returned the smile. "Well, I had to do something. She was clearly bothering one of my best friends. I mean we've always been friends but after all we've been through, you're right up there with Mabel and Soos."

She playfully raised an eyebrow. "And Wendy?" Whether he knew it or not, Pacifica was testing some waters with him. Everybody in Gravity Falls knew about Dipper having a crush on Wendy when he was twelve but this beckoned a few questions. Was there still anything there? How did Pacifica stack up? Was Wendy even a factor.

Dipper bounced his head a little in thought. "Yeah, her too. The thing is though, you and I have been through more adventures and more tough times."

"I suppose." Pacifica shyly admitted. "We have only been adventuring for six months though."

Dipper gave her a shocked expression. "Six months?! Pacifica it's been three years!"

"What?!"

"Yes! Think about it! Three years, six birthdays between the two of us, three years!"

This shook Pacifica to the core, it wasn't horrible news but she still felt like she needed to sit down. "Three years..."

"Yeah, I guess time flies when you're solving cases with good company."

"Cases...Cases! That's right! Heather was being such a pest I didn't even notice Julian come in!"

"We've got to find him!!"

Pacifica handed him his gear. "Here's your things."

"Where's your gun?"

"I made an ankle strap for it. Now if we hurry we might just be able to catch him!"

"Right! You take the right side of the room and I'll take the left. See if you can get your rich allies to help us!"

The two set out right away praying they weren't too late.

It didn't take Dipper long to have his jacket and fedora back on. The people were surprisingly easy to navigate pass, they must have been part of Pacifica's old inner circle. Then he saw him, Julian was in the corner of the room with a piece of paper and a plastic cup. He was leaning towards another one of flowered vases like he was ready to snatch something.

'He found the bug! I have to move!!'

Dipper was ready to charge Julian when suddenly he was blinded by a sequin's dress appearing in front of him.

"You've got a lot of nerve 'Mr. Man'! Nobody talks to ME like that and gets away with it!"

"Listen, Heather was it? I really don't have time for whatever 'this' is but maybe if you come back later and..."

"Oh no! You can't fool me! That Diana thinks she can humiliate me by inviting the compassionate rich people to look down on those like myself to shame me in to helping the lower to middle class!"

"...What?!"

"Don't play dumb! Why else would she invite me?! Well the jokes on you! Because I brought back up!"

"...What??"

Heather placed her fingers in to her mouth and sharply whistled. At first nothing happened, but then the ground started to tremble and the punch bowl on the nearby table started to shake.

Then a stampede of people flooded into the room. Everything happened so fast but Dipper could just barely make out some fancy clothes on them. These were rich people too, party crashers.

The butler from early stared helplessly at the people flooding in but did his best to recover his composure. "And now announcing... Uh... Now announcing...Oh forget it! I quit!!!"

The invited guests were also caught off guard by Heather's back up, they were starting to fill up the room as well. Nothing could have prepared Dipper for what he was about to see next though.

"WOO HOO!!! MOSH PIT!!!"

"Love God??"

The Love God was riding the top of the mob like a mobile mosh pit. The rich people who were already in the room looked about as clueless as Dipper was. He squinted to try and see through the rush of people where Julian was. Dipper could just barely make him out, he had successfully snatched Herbie with his plastic plate and piece of paper but he too was soon caught up in the flood of people and taken helplessly out of Dipper's sight.

Dipper stared helplessly at Heather, then at the people, then back to Heather.

"You dumb diva... You have no idea what you've just done."

"What I've done is defended MY reputation you horrid..."

Dipper rolled his eyes. This kind of hoity toity attitude was actually exactly what he needed to bring him back to his senses. This woman and her ego were going to be an obstacle to their entire case unless he did something. He reached over to the nearby snack table and grabbed a glass of punch, he quickly tossed the contents on to Heather's dress. It looked like it took every ounce of her not to scream at such an action.

"Believe it or not Long Legs, I have more important things to do tonight than attending to your ego! So if I were you I'd go attend to that stained dress of yours and stay out of our business! I swear, if I see you again tonight I will arrest you for obstruction of justice!!"

"Obstruction of justice my foot! Don't act like you're a..."

Dipper flashed her his badge shutting her up almost instantly.

"I don't want to see you again! Understand?!"

Dipper left her speechless as he tried to cut through the crowd to find Pacifica. The crowd was pretty thick, it didn't take long before he simply gave up and tried it the easy way with his earpiece. "Pacifica, do you read me?"

"Dipper?" Pacifica's voice pierced through the static. The ear piece must have been more damaged than he thought. "What happened? Where did all these people come from?"

"Heather had an army of party crashers lying in wait in case somebody called her out."

"Yeah..." Pacifica sighed. "That sounds like Heather."

"What is wrong with her?!"

"She has some kind of weird inferiority complex. An army of snobs isn't what I would call unheard of for her. I doubt our hostess is going to appreciate it though."

"Listen, I had Julian in my sights but Heather ruined everything. Last I saw, he caught Herbie using a plastic cup and a piece of paper."

"Wait! Did you say a plastic cup?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"I think I got this!"

"Always means forever! Alwaaaaaaaaaays!"

There was a sound of plastic breaking followed by a shout of "NOOOO!! COME BACK!!!"

"What was that?" asked Dipper.

"Yeah, I break plastic cups with my singing."

"I...What? Since when??"

"Since I was twelve. What? Mabel never told you that? I did that on, like, the first night I met her."

"No! She never told me once! Pacifica..."

"Yes?"

"You are the most amazing woman ever!"

"Dipper! You're going to make me blush!"

*BZZZZZZZZZ!*

"Gotta go, Pacifica! Herbie just flew over my head!"

"I'll meet you in the hallway!"

Dipper struggled but he managed to cut through the crowd out of the room. Luck was finally on his side as he not only made it through but Herbie flew right past him. He made mad grabs at the bug only snatched air until...

"I got it." Dipper stated in a stunned stupor. A smile started to creep on to his face, he wasn't expecting to actually catch it. "I actually got it!"

It was then that Pacifica appeared at the end of the hallway. "This is great! We can hand this guy off to the Love God, arrest Julian, and call it a night! HEY!!" Dipper called out. "PACIFICA!! I GOT THE--OW!!!"

Dipper's luck had officially done a 180. Herbie, disliking the intensity of Dipper's grip, had bitten down on Dipper's hand with his very large pincers.

Herbie's plan had worked, he was free now, but Dipper had been looking directly at Pacifica during the time of the bite.

Dipper's eyes were replaced with giant hearts.

Pretty woman! Walking down the street!

As Dipper looked at Pacifica, her entire image was surrounded by a pink puffy cloud substance.

Pretty woman! The kind I'd like to meet!

His jaw dropped and a huge dopey grin appeared on his face.

Pacifica was trying to figure out what Dipper was doing when suddenly he sprinted right at her. Before she could even react Dipper grabbed her in to a hug and spun her around.

"Whoa! What's happening right now?!"

"Pacifica Elise Northwest you're the most beautiful woman to ever exist and I can't lie to myself about how I feel about you any longer!"

"What?"

"I love you! I already told you that you're the most amazing woman ever but you deserve to know why too!"

"What??"

"You're not only beautiful but you're clever too, super resourceful, kinder than you look, and have a dry wit that keeps me coming back for more. I feel really lucky to be living everyday with you. To grow old with you would truly be the gift of a lifetime!"

"...What?! Dipper what is wrong wit- Oh no. You got bit by the bug didn't you?!"

"You're so smart. That's exactly what happened but so what? A bug bite doesn't make anything that I've said any less true."

"No, no, no, no, no! Dipper, listen to me! This isn't YOU right now! These feelings aren't your own, they're just the bug bite!"

"How can they not be 'my own' if you already knew I was going to ask you out tonight?"

"Wait!" She slipped out of his grasp. "How did you know I knew?"

"I didn't." he smiled. "The Love God just seems like the kind of turd who would reveal such private tactics."

"...That adds up."

"You seem stressed."

"Ya think?!"

"Would you like to sit down for a bit? Do you think punch would help? By which I mean would you like some?"

She raised an eyebrow at him and gave him a look. "I'm good! Wish I could say the same for you! You're going to make this job difficult if all of your thoughts are filled with me for the rest of the night!"

"Oh Pacifica, my thoughts have been filled with you way before the bug bite... your blush is cute. I do have a sense you'd rather have business before pleasure so tell me... Did you see in what direction little Herbie flew off in?"

More people started to enter the hallway as Pacifica scanned the hallway. "No!! I didn't even think to look for him!" She sat down with her back to the wall. "Shoot! I was so distracted by you sprinting right at me I completely forgot about the bug!"

"Hey, hey." Dipper put a hand on her shoulder. "Everything's okay! We'll get Herbie to the Love God, arrest Julian, and then retire to the RV where I can serenade you with my sousaphone... you know, if you want. I know you don't like it when I play it when you're in the shower but I've never really heard you complain about it outside of that."

Pacifica smiled a little and stood up. "Thanks Dipper."

"Anything for you, Sweetheart. My heart might be beating extra fast right now but know that no matter what I will always support you. We're partners after all, right?"

Her smile got a little bigger and nodded. "Right!"

"Tomorrow's another day. We wrap this up tonight and I promise you we'll spend the whole day doing nothing but playing Dungeons, Dungeons, & More Dungeons. I know how much you love to play that."

"I really do!"

It was at this moment both of them noticed they were getting some curious stares from some people who were entering the hallway. Their cover was in jeopardy.

Looking at each other simultaneously, Pacifica read Dipper's mind and was immediately against his idea.

"Do not snuggle me! Do NOT snuggle me! DO! NOT! SNUGGLE! M-you're snuggling me, aren't you?"

Dipper's arms were wrapped around her and he was resting his head on top of hers lovingly.

"If you think it doesn't make convincing cover to the story you established then push me off." clarified Dipper.

She blushed furiously.

"...God... damn it!"

Omake

The Love God smirked at the sight before him. "Well, well, well. What have we here?"

"Love God!! Dipper, got bit! And I can't get him TO LET GO!!!" squirmed Pacifica.

"Crazy idea here, but have you tried asking him NICELY to let you go?"

"Are you kidding me?" Pacifica deadpanned. "You don't actually expect that to work do you?"

"What do you have to lose?" challenged the Love God.

"Fine! Dipper, 'Darling', do you think that maybe, possibly, you could pretty please let me go?"

"Okay." Dipper let go of her and she fell to the floor. *THUD!* "We need to find that bug anyways-Oh! You fell on the floor. That was my fault wasn't it? I'm sorry!"

Dipper helped Pacifica to her feet and handed her a rose from a nearby potted vase.

"I'll search the hallways for the bug while you try to find Diana. She has to be here somewhere! Until then," Dipper handed the rose to Pacifica. "stay beautiful!"

Dipper raced off practically walking on air.

The Love God folded his arms as he watched Dipper run off. "Huh. He's still on mission, that's actually kind of impressive. What do you think? Pacifica??"

Pacifica inhaled deeply smelling the scent of the rose.

*SNAP!*

"Huh?! What?! Oh! I'm sorry! Did you say something?"

"Not quite what you expected is it?"

"Honestly, no. I thought for sure he'd be hitting on me or trying to get in to my pants but he's actually been really sweet to me. Definitely overattentive but still very nice."

The Love God stared at her suspiciously for a moment.

"Wait! Did you WANT him to try and get in to your pants?"

"Ye-NO! SHUT UP!!"

Chapter Text

Pacifica was wading through the ballroom, so far there was no sign of Julian OR Herbie but a percentage of the party crashers had been escorted out so things were getting a little easier. She searched the tables surrounding the walls but if Herbie was ever there he had already left. Then she thought to check the guests, maybe Herbie had hidden himself on some of their fancy clothing. She did her search carefully and delicately but Herbie was still nowhere to be found.

Pacifica was certain the dumb little insect had to be somewhere else. She was about to leave and look somewhere else when Dipper came back.

"Dipper?

Dipper smiled awkwardly and waved his fingers shyly. "Hi Sweetheart." he squeaked.

"What are you doing here?"

"I couldn't find the bug in the hallways and the Love God said Herbie doesn't like heights so that means he's still on the first floor... Soooo... Yeah, I came back."

Pacifica looked him directly in the eye and asked with the most serious tone she could muster "Is that really true or did you just decide that you missed me too much?"

"......Can't it be both?"

Pacifica furiously rolled her eyes. She grabbed him by the collar of his trench coat and brought him face to face with her.

"Listen to me!! THIS is not you! The Dipper I know always thinks with his head! So USE that head of yours and figure out that THIS isn't how you normally act!"

Dipper held Pacifica's hands gently in his own. "But what if I like it better this way?"

"I... What?"

"I know a bug bite is responsible for my actions, but maybe I'm better this way. I don't overthink every step I take, I stay on task, but most important of all I'm not affected by the romantic tension between us."

Pacifica's eyes shot open. "What?!"

"Oh don't act like you haven't felt it too! It has been there for a long time! It was bound to happen really, but now thanks to the bug bite... I can be both Dipper Pines, Paranormal Detective AND a man who is attentive to your needs and desires. Isn't it better this way?"

"I..." Her eyes rolled down to where she saw the bug bite on Dipper's hand. "NO!"

She threw Dipper's hands down.

"It is NOT better because THIS..." she gestures to all of him. "Is only happening because of a bug bite! It isn't REAL! If it WAS real then things would still be awkward and tense but at least a BUG wouldn't be responsible for it! Now I need you to choke these FAKE feelings down and focus on the job of finding the bug! You ask around for any whereabouts of Julian or Herbie, I'm going to look outside!"

She turned around and stomped off while Dipper was left stunned. Pacifica almost made it out of the room when she heard Dipper shout to her.

"WOMAN, I WILL SNUGGLE YOU!!!"

A blush raced across her face but Pacifica kept walking. "Most romantic threat ever!"

Dipper watched sadly as Pacifica stomped off.

"Guess I'll ask some of the guests if they've seen anything... Oh! There's a couple of Pacifica friends!"

It was the twins Yolanda and Yolinda. Dipper couldn't tell them apart but hopefully he wouldn't have to.

"Ladies!" Dipper announced himself. "Pacifica and I are trying to find this little beetle. Have you seen it flying around recently?"

The two shook their heads 'no' and Dipper tipped his hat to them. "Well thanks anyways. Yolanda, Yolinda, have a good night."

*SLAP!*

*SLAP!*

Dipper looked at the twins with shocked confusion as he rubbed both sides of his face.

"I'M Yolanda!"

"And SHE'S Yolinda! Hmph!"

The twins stuck up the noses and stormed off.

"Aw come on, ladies! I understand where you're coming from! I'm a twin myself ya know? Be reasonable!"

Dipper was ready to move on when he spotted another one of Pacifica's old friends. She was a curvaceous woman with a bright red dress which held tight to her figure.

'Oh crap!' Dipper thought 'There's Pacifica's friend Joanne! I never learned what country she was from! Maybe she speaks English!'

"Hello, Joanne." greeted Dipper.

She said something back to Dipper in a language which was clearly not English.

'Double crap!' Dipper thought. 'She doesn't speak any English! I need to find Pacifica, this just isn't working without her! Hopefully Joanne can read in between the lines!'

"No Spraken de French amigo, comprende'? Sayonara!"

Outside...

Pacifica was in the rose garden. It wasn't a maze like her old mansion home used to have but it was quaint with a small charm that belonged to itself. It was basically four tall rose bushes shaped like square corners. This place certainly loved roses.

"That Dipper... I feel like my face needs some ice from all that blushing he made me do."

A faint buzzing caught her attention, she turned to her left and saw something which got Dipper's predicament out of her head instantly.

"THE BUG!!!"

Little Herbie was flying by at eye level; the scent of all the roses had become intoxicating to him. Pacifica made a mad grab for it but Herbie dodged her hand with expert ease.

"Pacifica!"

"Eek!"

Dipper had just jumped in to the garden surprising Pacifica to point where she accidentally grabs a rose full of thorns instead of Herbie.

"OUCH! Dipper!!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I startle you?"

"What do you think?!" she snapped.

"Oh no, what happened to your hand?"

"YOU happened!" Pacifica remembered the situation and quickly looked around. "Shoot!! It was here, Dipper! Herbie!! Then you startled me and I grabbed a rose full of thorns by mistake!!"

"Oh!" Dipper looked around and didn't see Herbie anywhere. "Okay, that one is my bad. I don't know where the bug is but I can help with your hand."

Pacifica's face was completely void of any kind of humor but she still shot up a raised eyebrow at him. "Oh yeah?! How? Are you going to rip your pant leg and bandage my hand?"

"If we weren't at a ritzy party? Absolutely. Since we are though," he brought up his special gun and set it to his whip. "I'll have to do it the fancy way!"

"Oh, he's smirking! I bet he thinks he's looking reeeaaal cool right now!" mocked Pacifica.

Dipper held his chin up high and never lost his smile.

"I hear your bitter criticism and turn the other cheek to them."

He started to lash his goop whip in to the air repeatedly, stretching the whip until the point he let it fall to the ground. He pulled the end of the whip over to himself and started to pinch at it.

"...Okay! I give up!" declared Pacifica. "I have NO idea what you are doing!"

"If I can pluck out little bits of my whip, I can use them to heal up your little cuts."

Pacifica crossed her arms in confusion. "It never worked like that before!"

"I never had access to rose petals before." explained Dipper.

"What? Rose petals? Why haven't we ever tried this before? We could have just, like, BOUGHT roses ya know?"

"Yes," Dipper admitted "but could we have done so with out any romantic undertones?"

Pacifica was left without an answer. "...I..."

"Not that I mind the idea now! Anyways, store bought roses probably wouldn't work since only the highest quality rose petals seem to agree with the goop."

"And this rose garden qualifies?"

"Pretty sure I saw a blue ribbon on one of the bush walls here dating back about a week so yeah."

Dipper had a handful of goop droplets and he plucked about five rose petals. He rolled them together and then showed them to Pacifica. The little green droplets were clear now and shining like diamonds. The two knelt down on the ground so there would be a smaller chance of Dipper dropping one.

"Now give me your hand."

Pacifica did so and Dipper delicately placed each one on a different puncture mark. "Now for a little heat!" He then cupped her hand between his own and squeezed.

There was a small flash and then Dipper let go. Pacifica looked at her hand, there was a layer of slime over it but the cuts were all gone.

"Wow! That's impressive, gross, but impressive!"

"Yeah!" Dipper grabbed the edge of the slime at the bottom of her hand and pulled the entirety of the slime off like it was a glove. "It doesn't work on big wounds though."

"Makes sense I guess. So what are you doing out here? I thought I asked you to stay inside and ask..."

"Yeah that went south very fast! I'm sorry but I don't think splitting up is really going to work this time."

"Is that you talking or the bug bite?"

"Honestly? I don't know. It's hard to tell where one ends and the other begins."

"Why's that?"

"Because I love you and you're a wonderful person?"

Pacifica smiled with a small blush but it didn't last. "Listen Dipper, all this attention is really flattering but you know why I can't act on it right?"

"Some nonsense about being a Northwest?"

"No! Because if Dipper Pines wanted to ask me out I would want it to be because he worked up the nerve to do it by himself, not because some bug bite is making him do it."

"I...I understand..."

Pacifica held Dipper's face with her healed hand. "That's good! Because I need you to be the man I know you are and listen to your head. You've been compromised; so I need you to stay here and keep a look out for Julian. I think Herbie is still out here and I almost caught him last time."

She stood up and left as Dipper feebly reached for her.

Dipper sighed and hung his head.

"Trouble in paradise, Sherlock?" Dipper looked and was greeted with the sight of the Love God looking down upon him, leaning over the top of one of the rose bush walls.

"Love God? You're just all over the place aren't you?"

"I follow the love, Big Guy! So why are you looking so down?"

"I've been compromised..." Dipper held up his hand. "Because of this! I know what I'm doing isn't TRUE love. All of this is just the bug bite making me act."

The Love God narrowed his eyes and nodded like a therapist listening to his client. "I see... Dipper, let me ask you a question. What do you think TRUE love actually means?"

"Uh... Honest? Genuine? Not-From-A-Bug-Bite??"

"It can also mean FATED."

"Fated??"

"Yeah. Haven't you ever heard the saying that there's somebody out there for everybody? Some people are literally made to be with each other!"

"And you think that applies to Pacifica and I?"

"And you don't?! Think about it! Who have you spent everyday with?"

"Pacifica."

"Who have you been through both good times and bad?"

"Pacifica."

"Constant danger in every adventure! Who is in your corner?"

"Pacifica!"

"That's right!!" The Love God pointed at Pacifica in the far end of the garden. "Now look at that woman!! Before my little Herbie gave you a little love nip..."

"It was a bite!" Dipper bitterly cut in. "He drew blood! It was not a 'nip' in any sense of the word!!"

"Fine! Whatever! Just stay with me!! Before... Tonight, that woman is interwoven with your life, so what do want for her?"

"Only the best!" Dipper stood up.

"And why do you want the best for her?"

"Because she deserves it! She deserves anything that makes her happy, because that's what makes ME happy!"

"Now look at her! Look at her!!"

"If some other guy wanted to hook up with her, would you let him?"

"Never!!"

"Tell me why, Tiger!!"

"Because they don't know her like I do!! They don't know what makes her happy! I do!! She's MINE and..." Dipper's face softened with a smile. "I'm her's. I'll do whatever it takes to make her happy."

The Love God smiled. "Finally, one of you is starting to understand."

Meanwhile...

Over at the far end of the garden Pacifica actually had a stroke of luck. Herbie was flying at speed where he was not only easier to spot but practically begging to be caught. If Pacifica had to guess, she'd say that the little bug was probably exhausted from flying around everywhere. She reached out and grabbed at it with both hands, imagine her surprise when she actually caught it. Cupped in her hands, Pacifica could hardly believe her accomplishment.

At the other end of the garden she spotted the Love God, which was good! She could just hand it over to him and this whole mess would be over!

'Hm...' Pacifica thought. 'What's with Dipper? His expression is so serious but, like, soft. I wonder what...' "OW!!!"

Pacifica dropped Herbie as a sudden sharp pain shot through her palm. She instantly knew what this meant but she had already been staring at Dipper when it happened so there was nothing she could do about it.

Pacifica's eyes were replaced with giant hearts.

I believe in miracles!

She looked at Dipper and his entire image became surrounded in a pink puffy cloud substance.

Where you from, you sexy thing

Her jaw dropped but a dopey grin crawled itself into existence on her face.

Back with Dipper, he was still talking with the Love God when he started to hear a strange noise.

"Do you hear that? Reminds me of when Mabel came running at me screaming when we were kids, but different. Actually sounds... kind of happy. What is tha-"

A blur tackled Dipper to the ground at great speed.

"OOF!! What was tha...."

Dipper looked down and saw Pacifica nuzzling her face in to his chest, squeezing his torso with a hug.

"Pacifica? What are... did you get bit by the bug?"

Pacifica said nothing but tightened her grip.