Archive of Our Own ^beta

Shizuku didn’t talk to her parents very often, and as far as she was aware, neither did Shiho. It’s not that she didn’t want to talk to them, but ever since she had moved to Japan there were a lot of impediments: timezones, budget and, to a lesser extent, the uncomfortable topics that would come up every time she did so.

“I really don’t know what’s gotten to your sister anymore.” Her mother complained, “I get that she wants to do music, and I was even willing to pay for college education on it… But she’s into this… punk… gangster, american thing… Sometimes I think she does it just to provoke me.”

She had never liked hearing complaints on her little sister’s choices, especially when in her opinion, Shiho had always been the better one out of them. The girl was astute, determined and responsible; Shiho had always known what she wanted and had never hesitated to get it. It seemed like a silly thing for an older sister to do, but Shizuku looked up to her a lot. Meanwhile, Shizuku herself was struggling to find whatever she wanted in life. She had finished university already, without feeling like those five years had been all that hard nor fruitful.

“Well… she sounded very excited about her new band last time I talked to her…” Shizuku tried to argue in a lightmannered tone.  Her mother just grunted in response.

“How about you sweetheart? Are you still doing modeling?” She asked, and even though she could have defended her sister for a bit longer, Shizuku welcomed the change of topic.

 “Oh, yes.” Shizuku replied, relieved by the return of a more lighthearted conversation. “I still have a few photoshoots to attend to. But I got a new job on a TV show too!”

“Sweetie, that sounds great! What kind of show is it?”

“Oh, just a variety show.”

“It’s still progress. I’m so proud of you! Men must be fighting over you. At this pace, you’ll get a great husband in no time!”

“Oh mom, please…”

“It’s true though!” The lady proceeded, “Wealthy men like dating pretty models. It is a sign of status. Haven’t you met anyone yet?”

“Well, it’s not like I’ve been looking for a boyfriend…”

If she were to be honest, Shizuku had a very hard time telling when men were hitting on her. In her eyes, people were just kind. That’s until people like Airi came around to point it out for her. “Huh, Yamamoto-san surely has been insistent lately.” She bleated, arms crossed over her chest as she glared holes into the guy’s jacket.

“Oh, you think so?” Shizuku wondered, “He’s been very kind to me today, he got me coffee and all…”

“Yeah, that’s what I mean.” Airi proceeded, “Do you really not notice it? He looks at you like you’re dessert. It’s disturbing.”

Hadn’t Airi pointed it out, Shizuku would have never caught it.

“Well… I don’t know if I see him that way, should I go and tell him?” She considered, looking back at Airi wide-eyed.

“No, no… That would probably be weird. Just ignore him, I guess.”

Airi was Shizuku’s best friend. They hadn’t known each other for that long, but they were always spending time together. She was always there to support her on the tasks she was given by the show directors as a more experienced peer, and even helped her through personal struggles, such as forgetting her wallet at the supermarket or realizing she had left the keys to her apartment inside (Airi had even allowed her to stay over at her house throughout a couple of those occasions, how cute!).

Her presence had a special effect on Shizuku; soothing, calming, yet encouraging and inspiring. She soon found orbiting around Airi came out naturally to her, a mild sense of familiarity bringing her warmth and comfort whenever they were together. A part of her thought they were meant to from the start.

They eventually started holding hands whenever they walked out of the set. Airi would always wait until they were a couple blocks away to do so, gently wrapping her soft, short and chubby fingers around Shizuku’s slender own. Shizuku never asked why she started doing it, but found herself enjoying it nevertheless; even that low dose of Airi’s soft tact was enough to bring Shizuku an indescribable sense of bliss.

“Why don’t you stay at my place tonight?” Airi offered on one of said occasions. She hadn’t looked into her eyes as she said that, and Shizuku couldn’t help but yearn for those pupils of hers landing on her own.

“What for?” Shizuku wondered, dragging her keys out from her purse and shaking them in front of her friend, “I brought my keys today.” She said, almost proud.

“That’s not…” Airi slapped her own forehead with her hand, then glanced back at Airi, the frown lingering on her brows slowly softening, “Nevermind. I just thought we could watch a movie together but…”

“Oh! That sounds lovely Airi-chan!” Shizuku let out, suddenly growing excited, “It’ll be like a little sleep over! I could even buy some champagne and snacks… Oh! Have you got an idea for the movie yet? Because I sure have some recommendations!”

And even though Shizuku was practically chirping, she couldn’t help but be puzzled by the odd-looking turmoil of emotions on Airi’s smile.

Shizuku liked western musicals an uncanny amount. They were romantic, upbeat, and never failed to bring a smile to her face whenever the characters sang and danced around as if, for three minutes of song, all of their problems had been solved. They brought back memories too, lovely times back in America, gossiping around with her classmates, or tagging along in the adventures of her sister and her three little friends. Watching them with Airi, though, made them twice as exciting. This particular movie had been rewatched over and over by her several times, but having Airi experiencing the story for the first time by her side made it feel like a brand new release. It felt like sharing a bit of her own world with her through the screen.

On that occasion, for the first time, Shizuku had been the one to reach for Airi’s hand, yearning for the sweet emotions her tact evoked. She remained focused on the movie as she made their fingers interlock, far too concentrated in the film to even notice the moment in which Airi’s head turned towards her in shock. She hurried to free her hand from hers and grab a hold of the remote. She turned off the TV.

“Shizuku, can we talk?” She asked.

Airi’s gaze at the time had been just as confusing as the smile she had displayed earlier that day; there was the hardness of a glare, but the softness of a loving stare. Most of all though, there was frustration, and a deep, deep sadness Shizuku couldn’t comprehend.

“Airi-chan, what’s wrong?”

“Why do you think I hold your hand, Shizuku?”

Out of all the questions Airi could have asked, Shizuku surely wouldn’t have expected that.

“B-because it is a nice thing to do?” She guessed. Shizuku really didn’t know what she had done to earn the disappointment on Airi’s face at that instant. “Airi-chan, what…”

“This whole time you hadn’t even noticed…”

“Notice what? Airi-chan, I really don’t know what you’re talking about…”

“Shizuku, what am I to you?”

Mere hours ago, such a question would have been an easy thing to answer. ‘You’re my friend’, she would have said, then maybe offered a hug, or just wrapped her hand around hers. That didn’t seem right anymore, though, not when Airi’s hurt eyes were looking at her demanding for an answer Shizuku didn’t even know of.

“You see Shizuku, all along I have been… I thought you were…” She grunted, furrowing her brows as she stared down, then to confront Shizuku again, “Shizuku, have you ever fallen for someone?”

The question landed on Shizuku like a rock in her stomach. Conversations with her mother replaying in her mind, questions about her love life that bubbled one after the other through the telephone line, much like the one Airi had just asked. Still, Shizuku knew that this time around the meaning behind those words was incommensurably different; her mom would never look at her with the same eyes Airi did, and she never would hope for the response the girl before her yearned for.

“I…” I haven’t , that had been her go to response on the several occasions her mother had interrogated her on the affair, but this time around, those words didn’t sit comfortably in her mouth. Weren’t they true though? Romantic affairs had been a major question mark her entire life, never being able to find in any boy her age the so called ‘spark’ everyone was searching after. And still, there she was, hesitating. “Why do you ask that?”

“Because I like you, Shizuku.” Airi finally spat, Shizuku’s lips coming apart into a small ‘o’. “I’ve liked you for a while now. And all this time you’ve been… so welcoming of all my little moves… I thought you were into me too.”

Reality broke into Shizuku’s head like a trainwreck. All the times Airi had complained about the men approaching her, all the times she went out of her way to be kind to her, every single time she had shily stretched out her hand to hold hers when she thought no one was watching—just what she had been thinking, just what she had been seeking, and all the things Shizuku had failed to provide.

“You know what?” Airi bleated. “Just… Forget it. Let’s go to sleep, and tomorrow…”

“Airi-chan, wait!” Shizuku stopped her, grabbing a hold of her arm. She did not like the way Airi looked at that instant, her expression blank, as if trying to keep a strong face in front of Shizuku, despite the fact that her frustration was evident. “Airi-chan, you’re important to me.”

Airi stopped, not yet looking at Shizuku, but not pulling away either. “I know, Shizuku. You’re important to me too. Let’s go to bed.”

And without finding any arguments to pose, Shizuku nodded, following after Airi as she, too, prepared to sleep. On every occasion Shizuku had stayed in Airi’s house, they’d share a bed. At first, they’d just lay there, facing each other, gazing into each other’s eyes as they told each other jokes or just talked about their lives. As their friendship grew, they started holding hands while they were at it too. It was home, Shizuku thought, it felt exactly what home ought to feel like. Yet, Shizuku had ruined it, because that night they, too, slept in the same bed, but Airi turned around on it, facing away from her.

Shizuku stayed in position, though, facing Airi, hoping that at some point of the night she’d turn around, ask her some questions, or at the very least allow her to look at her sleeping face.

That didn’t happen, though, not at least for the long hours it took for Shizuku to fall asleep.

When they woke up in the morning, Shizuku offered to make Airi some breakfast. However, she was rejected. “I have some errands to run,” Airi said, hurriedly brushing through her long, pink hair. “I don’t think I have the time. You can help yourself to whatever you like, though. Just make sure to leave the door closed when you leave.”

For a second, Shizuku considered offering her company on Airi’s affairs, but she stopped herself. She might be oblivious, but even she could read that her presence was unwanted. “Alright, then,” she answered instead. “Talk to you later?”

Airi stopped, picking up her purse. “Yeah, I think.”

“Have a nice… day.” Airi had walked out of the apartment before Shizuku could even finish that sentence.

Overwhelmed by her own solitude, she decided to make herself busy and gave a quick look around the kitchen, thinking it’d be better to have some breakfast and then leave. Without Airi around, all food seemed unappetizing, so she just walked right out towards her own home.

She could say she was surprised when Airi didn’t call, but she wasn’t. She sat by the phone all day long, eventually pacing around like a caged animal, only to return to the same spot, as if looking at the device could possibly beckon for it to ring. When the night came, she grabbed it herself, about to dial Airi’s number to ask how her day went. In the end, she held back. Airi needed her space, and her presence most likely remained unwanted.

Shizuku went to sleep as she would any normal day, except when she couldn’t, she chose a movie to watch in hopes it would lift her spirits.

It did not.

When Airi greeted her at work, Shizuku dared to believe that things had returned to normal. She had smiled, thrown a joke, and complimented her outfit. The relief Shizuku felt was beyond explanation. She happily hovered over Airi like she would any other day, glad to find that she responded to her comments, laughed at her silly mistakes, smiled back at her whenever she did.

Upon leaving the set, though, things changed again. Shizuku’s fingers tingled in anticipation as she waited for Airi’s own to reach out. However, they never did. “I’m kind of tired,” Airi said, stretching her back. “I think I’ll take a taxi today.”

“Oh, do you want me to accompany you?” Shizuku asked, grabbing a hold of her own, desolate hand and bringing it close to her chest.

“No need to, Shizuku, I’ll be fine on my own.” She was about to take the next step ahead before stopping, turning towards her. “You did bring your keys, though, right?”

Shizuku opened her mouth. For a second, the idea of lying flashed through her mind. She could tell Airi she’d forgotten them, dig them deep within her purse, and allow her friend to welcome her into her house once more, just to feel like things were normal. She didn’t, though, the idea of lying to Airi leaving far too bitter of a taste in her mouth. “I brought them,” she said, devoid of all pride she’d usually display to such a disclaimer.

“That’s good, then! You’ll be able to get in safely,” Airi replied, accommodating her purse atop her shoulder. “I’ll be leaving now, then. See you tomo–”

“Airi-chan, wait!” Shizuku called, walking over towards her, a plea written all over her face. “Are you mad at me?”

“Of course not, Shizuku, why would I be ma–” she stopped, the smile she had mustered falling apart in an instant upon catching the sight of Shizuku’s anguished face. “I’m sorry,” Airi added, lowering her gaze.

“So you are mad,” Shizuku commented, letting out a weak laugh. She felt as if something within her heart had shattered, and the world stopped spinning. The air entering her lungs felt uncomfortable, wrong, as if they ought to stop functioning the instant Airi said those words. Of course she was mad, it had always been a matter of time until she did. Friendships had never lasted long for Shizuku—people were drawn to her, kind and amiable, so much so that every single time she’d start to believe they would stay. They never did, though. Eventually, they would always decide that she was selfish, or uncaring, or self entitled. And it hurt every time. She cried every time. But this time, it felt like her heart was being ripped apart, because this was Airi, and she never thought that she would ever lose Airi.

“No, Shizuku, of course not!” Airi hurried to exclaim, scooting closer. “You did nothing wrong, alright? I’m just stupid, and I need some time.”

How much time will it take? she thought, wanting nothing but for Airi to give an answer to that question. She didn't believe it, she did not believe that time was all it would take, but she kept quiet. She kept quiet and did nothing but nod, because Airi would have given her the world if Shizuku had requested, and if it was time that Airi asked, Shizuku had no choice but to give it to her.

“Can I still talk to you, though?” Shizuku asked instead, hopeful and tremulous as she carefully observed every detail in Airi’s reaction.

Airi smiled. “Of course you can talk to me, but the hand holding… The sleepovers… it's better if we stop all that.”

Shizuku grimaced, but nodded, having already decided that she would agree to whatever conditions Airi brought onto the table.

That day, they each returned to their homes alone.

The following days went by in apparent normality, but to Shizuku, it felt like the world had been turned into a black and white movie. Her conversations with Airi had grown shallow and predictable, almost as if she had been following a script. It made Shizuku feel unfathomably lonely, as if Airi had not truly been there. She felt it most in her fingers, aching to reach out to Airi’s and interlock with them once more. But she held back, because if time was what Airi wanted, then time was what Shizuku would give. It was difficult, though, dealing with the distance despite having her so close day after day. Sometimes she wondered if it would be easier if they didn’t see each other—it wouldn’t, Shizuku eventually decided. She wanted to see Airi, to hear from her, to see what she would wear to work and what clever little remarks she’d come up with as soon as the cameras started recording. And she wanted Airi to see her, to keep her eyes on her as she spoke, to find her laughing when Shizuku mistook the sugar for salt once again, to feel like her gaze would always be somewhere in the set, waiting to meet hers.

“Yamamoto-san asked me on a date,” she announced. It had been just her and Airi at the time, standing side by side by the coffee place, without really talking. Shizuku had not been too sure as to why she said that, but there had been a silence to fill, and that was the kind of thing Airi and her would have talked about before.

“Did you accept?” Airi asked a bit too calmly, although Shizuku did not miss the deep breath she had let in before replying.

Shizuku shook her head. “You said he was disturbing.”

“Well, uhm, yeah. But that was also partly because…” she shook her head. “Nevermind, I’m actually relieved you didn’t accept it.”

“I’ve always held your advice close to my heart, Airi-chan.”

Airi smiled. “Yeah, I guess that you have.”

Shizuku and Airi often did stuff over the weekend; visit new coffee shops, go on walks, or go to the movies. Thus, the void Airi had left had become a hundred times more noticeable when Fridays arrived.. As a result, Shizuku started calling her mom more often.

“... And your dad keeps on leaving the toilet seat uncovered. He’ll drive me insane one day, that man,” she complained, and even through the phone Shizuku could imagine her expression while she shook her head. She had always been an uptight lady, but it had only gotten worse with the years. Maybe it was the solitude of her house, without her and Shiho around, it surely was a lot more quiet. “But enough about me! How about you, dear? Have you found a lucky man yet?”

Shizuku laughed nervously. “Not quite, I haven’t really focused on dating.”

“Well, you should.” Her mom rushed to say. “It’s no secret that men like them younger, and youth is all but fleeting—take it from this old woman. You’re at the ripe of your beauty, Shizuku, and no man will reject you. I think it’s about time you start thinking about your future more seriously.”

Her future , it was always like that. Since she was young the talks about her future and what she’d do or wouldn’t do with it had been common, and they had only increased since Shiho revealed her aspirations not to follow the family’s expectations in the slightest. In a way, Shizuku guessed she felt indebted; it’s not like school or work had ever been hard for her, so the least she could do was not let her parents down.

Lately, she was starting to wonder if she might.

“I’ll make sure to keep that in mind,” she said, even though she wasn’t sure if she truly would.

“Good. I wish your sister was more like you, she won’t even answer my calls anymore! Make sure to tell her to call me if you get to talk to her, since she clearly won’t listen to me.”

“Okay mom, I will.”

“It was good talking to you, sweetheart, but I’m afraid it’s starting to get late here and I want to watch my soap opera before bedtime. You can call me again any day, though, alright?”

“Alright mom, good night!”

“Good night!”

Her mom was the first to hang the phone, while Shizuku remained still, listening to the beeping on the line while staring off into nowhere, not too sure of how or what she was feeling. But she didn’t feel like moving, didn’t feel like anything really, even the silence of her own apartment became tortuous as soon as she brought herself to put down the phone. 

Loneliness struck her once again as she turned to check on her calendar. It was July 6, a few days earlier than she had anticipated to call her sister—she had fixed herself a schedule. If the choice came to her, she would call Shiho everyday, just to talk about life and hear what she had been up to. But Shiho had voiced more than just a few times how she needed her space. “Calling more than one or two times a month sounds excessive to me,” she had said, and since two was one whole unit larger than one, Shizuku had arranged her calendar scheduling a call with Shiho every two weeks. She was very strict when it came to following it, but she really thought she needed someone to talk to that day, and she assumed Shiho would not be worried about being called a couple days in advance. She truly could not be that much of a disturbance, right?

She dialed her phone. “Hi, Shiho Hinomori here, who is this?”

“Hi, Shii-chan? It’s Shizuku!” She greeted, the sole sound of her little sister’s voice being enough to pop a smile into her face.

“Oh, Shizuku,” she replied, the forced cordiality in her voice dissipating without a trace. “I was not expecting your call. How’s life?”

“It’s… good,” That was only a half lie. Life wasn’t particularly bad, in fact, Shizuku was quite sure it was meant to be great—her career was flourishing, and she had lots of opportunities to meet all sorts of influential people. There was only one issue, really, and Shizuku couldn’t help but feel like it was no one’s choices but her own that had prompted it into existence.

“Really? That’s awfully vague coming from you. How’s work? Oh, and that friend of yours you always tell me about, what was her name again? Aiko?”

“Airi,” Shizuku gently corrected.

“Right, Airi. How is she?”

“She’s good. We still work together,” Shizuku proceeded, not quite lying, yet not daring to share her actual concerns.

“Hm… Any interesting places you two have visited lately?” Shiho tried, and her older sister couldn’t help but fear that she had already been figured out.

“Not many, but enough about me,” she said, trying to change the topic. “How is your life going? You had your concert, right? How did that go.”

Shiho let out a huff, and for an instant Shizuku thought she would keep pushing the matter. Shiho, however, seemed to decide to play along. “Oh, that went well. Sold every ticket, so we went to a nice bar after that.”

“That sounds great! Did you bring that girl you’ve told me about?”

For a few seconds, the phone let out nothing but a dense silence, and yet, Shizuku’s ears remained by the speaker in expectation. She was the only one in the family who knew about her little sister’s romantic preferences—although she could understand why Shiho had chosen to keep it a secret from her mother. Feeling as if she was the chosen one, she enjoyed each and every update on Shiho’s quest to get herself a girlfriend, even when they were vague and few. There was a girl, though. That much she knew. She was someone who enjoyed Shiho’s music, and who had shown interest in spending time alone with her. Shizuku had been rooting for them with all her might in the secrecy of her apartment, because she was very well aware of just how private Shiho could be with her affairs (although, as her own little secret, she did share the gossip with Airi from time to time, just as a treat).

“We… aren’t really talking anymore,” Shiho finally said.

Shizuku felt her blood run cold. “What? No! Why?”

“It just didn’t work. She had too many doubts, wasn’t sure of her sexuality and all. She can experiment all she wants, of course, but I… I don’t want to be left hanging because of it. That is all.”

Shizuku’s shoulders dropped, her sister’s voice resonating in her mind as the badly disguised hurt seeped from her voice into the speaker. Worst of all, though, was the fact that Shizuku thought of Airi. “Didn’t you like her, though?” She dared to ask.

Shiho took a second to answer that question. Shizuku caught the deep breath she took in through her mouth, imagining her pensive eyes as she got lost in thought, meditating her next words, until her voice finally came: “There’ll be other girls, but situations like these can be too daunting.”

And even though those words made Shizuku feel like every sense of normalcy she forced herself to build throughout those past few weeks, she forced herself to smile. “Ah, I see. Whatever’s best for you, Shii-chan.”

Weeks went by without any change, but Shizuku made up her mind to let go of Airi. Shiho had been right; Airi knew what she wanted, and Shizuku didn’t. To keep on luring her into her company through fantasies alone was a cruel thing for her to try, so she stopped it, reduced her relationship to mere professionalism, and refrained seeking Airi’s attention when it was not necessary. It went awfully smoothly—that was what hurt the most. It was so easy and routinary to let her go. They no longer talked when walking out of the studio, no longer texted, no longer anything. Hadn’t it been for the pain in her heart whenever she said her name, Momoi Airi would have become nothing but a regular coworker.

Shizuku’s phone rang one of the many friday nights Shizuku had spent trying to lift her mood by rewatching an old movie. It was her mother, most likely, suddenly finding yet another gossip Shizuku had to hear about, or maybe just looking for someone to complain to. It graced her mind to just ignore it, not feeling quite sturdy enough to deal with a whole conversation at the time, and yet, she pushed herself to pick it up, grabbing the handle in her fist and greeting with a routinary “Hello? Hinomori Shizuku here.”

“Shizuku?”

The voice at the other side of the line was most definitely not her mother’s. It sounded weak, and frail, and tremulous; the voice of a girl that had spent a bit too much time crying. Worst of all, though, was the fact that Shizuku recognized exactly who that voice belonged to. “Airi-chan?”

“Shizuku, I misss you,” the response was immediate, heartfelt, a plea so soft the yearning within it felt like Airi’s own fingers had found their way through Shizuku’s chest, just to grab a grip around her heart. “Can you come?”

Shizuku opened her mouth, about to instinctively let out an ‘of course’. But she stopped herself, taking a deep breath and shutting her lips before asking a question of her own. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, Shizuku, I’m sure.”

There was no way she could have said no to that. “I’ll be there in no time, alright? Just wait for a bit.”

A muffled hum was all she got as a response before she hung up to dial a taxi, although upon finding herself sitting on the backseat, she couldn’t help but fall into a spiral of anxiety. What was she doing? She had told herself she’d set some distance, that she would no longer toy around with Shizuku’s feelings the way she had done for so long. But Airi had called for her, and Shizuku’s heart could only handle so much before breaking and giving in.

That was it, if Airi called for her, she would go. She would run. She would fly. Even if it was wrong for her to do so.

Being before Airi’s door after so long without visiting felt surreal. She knew every turn of the hallway leading to Airi’s apartment, and had memorized the muted sound of the bell ringing at the other side of the door as she waited. It was like listening to a song one loved long ago, after going years without the sound of its tune.

When Airi opened the door she was a mess. “Shizuku!” She cried, tears were spilling down her eyes as she tried to rub them off her face without being able to wipe it clean—they just kept on streaming down her cheeks regardless of her insisting efforts.

“Airi-chan! What happened?”

“I missed you too much!” She replied, ceasing to move her hands for a second while she glared with her pink, feline eyes.

Shizuku stared in confusion. Such a tantrum was unlikely for Airi to throw—Airi was collected and secretive with her emotions, far too prideful to show her face in times of weakness. And yet, she had requested for Shizuku’s presence while in such a state.

The answers to Shizuku’s questions became clear the instant she took her eyes off Airi and onto the scene behind her; a messy table with a broken glass and an empty bottle of champagne laying atop of it. “Airi, have you been drinking?”

“No.”

“Airi…”

“Fine! You left your stupid champagne the other day and I was feeling bored and lonely!” She snapped, giving Shizuku one intense fiery gaze. “What now?! Do you think I’m stupid?”

“Of course not, Airi. I’ve always thought you were brilliant.”

Airi gritted her teeth, lowering her face as she took a step aside, giving Shizuku more room. “Won’t you come in?” she asked, lowering her voice, and Shizuku was quick to listen and walk into the apartment.

The familiarity of the place was pleasant. The usual scent had now mixed with a faint trace of champagne—it felt homelike, but it felt creaked, much like their relationship really was. For a long minute, they stayed in silence as Shizuku scanned through the apartment. The rooms that had once been tidy and orderly were now messy and dirty, glasses and cups yet to be finished drinking laying on every surface, while clothes were scattered on the most random of places.

“I shouldn’t have called you,” Airi eventually decided, and although it broke Shizuku’s heart to hear it, she had been thinking the same thing for a while now.

“Should I leave?”

“No, you dumbass, stay!” Airi demanded, getting in between her and the door as she scowled. “Why do you think I called you?!”

Shizuku opened her mouth to argue, but eventually decided it was pointless, that Airi’s senses were far too muddled by the alcohol for any of it to be effective. Instead, she tried a different approach. “Do you want some tea?” She offered, having already memorized each and every corner of Airi’s kitchen. “I’ll brew some for us, then we can sit down and talk, alright?”

“Alright,” Airi replied, almost meowled, before taking a seat on the couch, arms wrapped around herself as she bowed her head down and gazed to her own feet. Shizuku pretended not to notice the sob that escaped her as she walked away to heat up some water.

The murmur of the water kettle provided a momentary distraction from the tense silence hovering over them, but as soon as it was gone, it became overwhelming. Shizuku took a seat next to her on the couch, and almost felt relieved when she accidentally burnt her tongue taking the first sip—any distraction was welcomed. She hoped it’d make Airi laugh, but it didn’t.

“You’re ignoring me,” Airi finally said.

“I am not.”

“You can’t fool me, Shizuku.”

She fell quiet, carefully thinking her way through her next words. “It’s not…” She stopped herself. While she wholeheartedly did not believe she had been ignoring Airi, it was true that she had been building a wall. Airi had asked for time, Shiho had spoken of pain, and having connected the dots, Shizuku had decided that she’d much rather lose Airi than be the cause of her hurt. At that very moment, though, as Airi’s puffy red eyes gazed onto nothing, she realized that she had perhaps achieved the opposite. “I didn’t want to ignore you, but you didn’t talk to me either, so I thought it was being helpful.”

“Helpful?! Shizuku, I’m in love with you!” she cried aloud, eyes darting back to Shizuku in rage and frustration. “I know you don’t even get it, but everything about you feels like torture!”

“Torture?” Shizuku repeated in disbelief, a pit growing within her chest.

“Yes! Torture! Being near you is torture, but so is keeping you away! And I watch you go about your day, dreading the day you’ll accept one of those stupid dates from our colleagues and… I can’t take it! I wish I would’ve never told you anything, I wish nothing had ever changed! I’ve been stupid, Shizuku, I’ve been so—!”

Unable to take it anymore, Shizuku pulled Airi into her arms. She was glad she had shut her eyes closed, because it allowed her to catch in full detail the surprised gasp she let out upon finding herself embraced, and the lingering scent of her raspberry shampoo under the smell of the champagne she had been drinking. The weight of her body was comfortable too, small and soft, with that long, endless wave of pink hair her arms had swam into as she pulled her closer, and closer still. “Airi-chan, I missed you too.”

Silence. There was no response. With her ears so close to Airi’s ears, Shizuku could have full certainty that she hadn’t even breathed. She brought her right hand to the back of her head, fingers interlocking with the locks of her head as she gently patted her, beckoning her to relax. “I missed you too. I felt lonely. My days suck without you.”

“Then don’t leave again,” Airi whispered.

“I won’t.”

“You promise?”

“I do.”

Upon hearing those last two words, Airi finally relaxed. Her forehead landed on the crook of Shizuku’s neck, hand resting atop her shoulder, as tears began to pour once again. Shizuku pressed her tighter against her body, lulling her like a baby as she responded to her sobs with gentle hushes, trying to soothe her. “It’s okay, Airi-chan, I’m here now.”

“And you’ll stay, right?” Airi asked.

“I already said—”

“You’ll stay the night, right?” She asked again, more demanding this time. “You’ll stay the night and sleep next to me like we used to, right?”

Shizuku stopped, hitching in a breath of uncertainty. “Shizuku,” Airi repeated, her voice frail and unstable, but still commanding. “Stay.”

There was not a single way Shizuku could have ever brought herself to say no.

“Okay, Airi-chan. I’ll stay.”

Airi pulled away, slowly, reluctantly, as if fearing Shizuku would disappear from her grasp the instant she made any sudden moves, until she was finally in a position where Shizuku could take a good look at her face—her eyes, her cheeks, they were all swollen from the tears. But she looked beautiful, just as beautiful as she ever did, because Shizuku doubted Airi could ever manage to look ugly.

“Let’s go to bed, then,” she declared, her voice merely a murmur. “I am tired.”

She followed Airi into the bedroom, closing the door behind her as she turned away from Airi for just a few seconds. By the time her eyes had landed back on hers, she was lifting up her top, revealing the white, cotton bra she had been wearing under it, and the small waist she had always diligently trained to keep in shape. For an instant, she stared, dumbfounded, until Airi’s eyes landed on hers, bringing her back to her senses. Shizuku quickly turned away. “Look at me,” Airi said, causing Shizuku to shift her attention onto her once more.

“But Airi-chan—”

“I said you can look at me. I like you, after all. If you want to stare, do it all you’d like.”

Shizuku gulped, but this time around, she did not look away. Airi kept her gaze downcasted as she changed into her pajamas, not bothering to look at Shizuku despite knowing her full attention was fixed on her. It was a weird feeling, watching her like that. Slightly enticing, in a way. She wondered whether that was the way men felt when looking at a beautiful woman.

Upon having changed, Airi went back to dig into her closet, dragging out yet another pair of pajamas, which she tossed in Shizuku’s way. “You can wear these,” she said, her tone monotone and distant. “And don’t worry, I won’t stare.”

You can stare as well, if you want . The words flashed her mind, and her mouth even opened for her to say them, but no voice came out. Instead, she watched as Airi took her place on the bed, facing towards the wall, away from Shizuku. Feeling her heart heavy, she, too, changed her clothes.

As Shizuku prepared to join her in the bed, Shizuku feared that that would be it, that she would once again lay facing Airi, while Airi gave her nothing but her back for the entirety of the night. Won’t you look at me now? She considered saying, although remaining far too fearful to voice any of those thoughts out for Airi to hear. Her heart almost burst in happiness the moment she caught Airi stirring in place, shifting the position of her body until she was facing her once again. 

They stared at each other for what appeared an eternity—Shizuku could swear her feeble memory had memorized each and every shade of Airi’s saddened eyes. But the breach remained there, even now as they gazed into each other's eyes, so openly, it felt like miles of distance had been set between them.

Please come closer , Shizuku considered, and while she yearned for the feeling of Airi’s body, it was not her physical proximity her heart was aching for. It was their complicity, their bond, all of the bridges they had burnt for the sake of that foolish distance. And she remained far too cowardice to speak, but her fingers were desperate and brave, and they led her hand to reach out, just enough to lay themselves atop Airi’s pillow; a quiet invitation.

Airi’s pink eyes landed on her fingers, her expression indecipherable. Shizuku wanted to retreat, to be satisfied with each and every victory she had managed that day and to stop being so bold, but right before her fear could win her over once again, Airi brought her hand to hers, interlocking their fingers. Airi’s eyelids fluttered, her eyes slowly closing, until a deep breath fell out of her mouth. Eventually, she drifted off to sleep.

Shizuku remained awake, her eyes wide open as she recorded each and every one of her breathings, her tranquil expression, and the way her hair fell over the white sheets. “Airi-chan,” she whispered, not knowing whether she hoped or not for her to hear her. “Maybe I love you just as much.”

She brought her head forward, careful not to move too harshly, and kissed the tip of Airi’s gently. The scent of her skin danced around her nose, before she, too, laid down to sleep.