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Chapter Text

Felix falls in love for the first time when he is seventeen.

He always knew there was something off about him, something that made him not like everyone else. It manifested in his gaze lingering for a little too long on the arms of the sporty guys in his school, or his heart skipping a beat when the nice guy he was sitting next to in class bumped their shoulders after making a silly joke.

He shouldn’t feel this way. It was not normal. But for the longest time, he managed to bottle all of his feelings down and not think about it too much.

He finally admitted it when he started high school. He saw his childhood friend Changbin kissing another boy in a corner and he froze entirely. The first feeling he got when he saw that was anger. Why were they allowed to do that in a public space ? They shouldn’t do that, it’s not normal.

And months went by, he still caught glimpses of them making out in the hallways and then Changbin would come talking to him like everything was normal and he just did not put his tongue in another guy’s mouth.

He soon realized, however, that the anger and disgust he felt were nothing but envy. Pure envy and jealousy. He wanted to kiss another guy and continue his day like nothing had happened, like it was normal. Why could the others do it and not him ?

It took him some time to really grasp the fact that he was not straight. And when he finally realized that, it took him even more time to do anything about it. It took him weeks to finally gather the courage to sit Changbin down one night after class and to tell him with the lowest voice he could muster “I think I like guys too.”

He was prepared to be laughed at or even punched. But none of that happened. Changbin simply took him in his arms and whispered “Thank you for trusting me.”

From this point, they became inseparable. They were close before, but this event is what really brought them together. And Felix wouldn’t want it any other way.

Changbin talked his ears off about his boys’ problems and what his current boyfriend was up to and Felix, like the good friend he is, always listened intently. He sometimes wished he could contribute to these conversations but he simply couldn’t pass the gap of actually acting upon his feelings.

But one day, everything changes. It’s a pretty normal day to begin with, so the surprising turn of events really throws Felix off.

He is at his dance class in the late afternoon, like almost every day of every week for more years than he can count, stretching before really getting into it. He is chatting with a friend when their instructor calls everyone to gather around him.

“We have a new dancer with us ! He is an exchange student from Korea and is still learning english so please, be nice to him and I count on you to integrate him easily in the class !”

And then the instructor turns towards the new kid in question and Felix looks at him for the first time. He thought the slow motion effect when you see someone you like was only a thing in the movies but he really felt like this is what happened here.

This guy had the brightest smile that scrunched his eyes so much that Felix could barely see them. He let out a little “Hello” with a wave of his hand and Felix felt his stomach constricting and his knees buckle. Yeah, he is crushing. Hard.

He can barely focus for the rest of the class, tripping over his feet and losing his breath everytime he catches a glimpse of the new guy in the mirror. When they take a little break at some point, he shoots a text to Changbin to let him know that he is freaking out and doesn’t know what to do. Changbin only responds with ‘go talk to him !!!’ but he thinks that if he ever tries, he’ll end up making a fool of himself.

At the end of the class, he flees as fast as he can to avoid talking to anyone. His heart is still beating like crazy when he gets home and he is so lost in his thoughts during dinner that his mom asks him if everything is alright. He mumbles some lame excuse of thinking about something at school when all he can really think about is that blinding smile.

That night, he spends hours looking at the ceiling, the same three songs on loop blasting into his earphones. What is he going to do now ?

_________________________

He learns the new dance student’s name is Jeongin. He learns it because when a few days later he goes to his dance class, his friends were all in a small circle talking excitedly with Jeongin.

He walks up to them, a little shaky but with the reassurance that this is a group conversation and he therefore doesn’t have to talk directly one on one with the handsome guy. But as soon as his friends see him coming their way, one of them drags him by the arm towards the newcomer.

“You left so early last time, we didn’t get the chance to introduce you two ! This is Jeongin !” his friend exclames.

Jeongin turns and smiles at him. “Hi ! Nice to meet you !” he says with an accent to his speech. God, why does it make him that much cuter ?

Felix is blushing hard but he does end up responding with a little “Nice to meet you too.” before pointedly looking at his shoes.

This class goes better than the last one only because Felix refuses to look at Jeongin’s way. If he pretends the cute guy is not here then he can focus. His efforts crumble though when he wants to chat with his friends and Jeongin is there. Felix finds himself blushing and stuttering when he looks at him for more than three consecutive seconds.

So, his master plan to not look like an idiot, is to avoid Jeongin altogether. Changbin tells him that avoiding the guy is exactly what makes him look like an idiot but Felix doesn’t care. He can’t take the risk.

He continues like that for weeks, never looking directly into Jeongin’s eyes, trying to not stand or sit directly next to him and trying to keep their one on one conversations short. He thinks it works pretty well for him. Like this, he can still be in his vicinity as his friends had clearly adopted him in their group and admire from afar.

When he is alone at night in his room, he wishes he had the guts to do more. He wishes he could just go to him and ask him out, take him on dates and steal a few kisses. He imagines what their lives would be, they could get married and adopt a puppy or they could travel the world together. When he tries to sleep, he imagines what it would feel like to fall asleep every night curled up together with Jeongin.

He thinks his plan of avoiding Jeongin works perfectly fine until two months have passed since Jeongin arrived.

Felix is in the bathroom during their break from the dance class, washing his hands when Jeongin enters, walks up to him and stares at him. Felix looks at him warily, on the verge of asking if something is wrong when Jeongin opens his mouth.

“Do you hate me ?” he asks.

Felix freezes with his eyes wide open like a deer caught in headlights. “W- what ? What makes you say that ?”

“You always stay far from me and you never talk to me.” Jeongin answers with a pout that makes him look infinitely cuter if this is even possible. “Do you hate me ?”

“No, no, no, I don’t hate you !” Felix says maybe a little too fast. “I just feel a little nervous around you.” he finishes his sentence really fast in the hope Jeongin wouldn’t get it.

“Why ?” Jeongin inquires.

“Hum…” Felix feels his cheeks get hot, he without a doubt looks crimson red. “You’re just… like, really cute.” he says while looking down at his feet.

A few beats pass without neither of them saying a word, the only sound being the water still flowing in the sink.

“You’re nervous around me because you think I’m cute ?” he hears Jeongin ask.

Felix has enough courage to look up and what he sees takes his breath away. Jeongin has taken a step closer and is now right next to him, so close Felix could count his lashes. He gulps and lets out a raspy “Yeah.”

Jeongin smirks and huffs a little. “Good.” he says and then turns on his heels and leaves the bathroom.

It’s only when Jeongin is out of the room for a few seconds that Felix lets out the biggest exhale. What the hell was that ?

_________________________

After their little interaction in the bathroom, it seems like Jeongin is making a point of always being near Felix whenever he can. He stands next to him when they chat with their friends, sits next to him when they stretch before their class and always strikes up a conversation with Felix. He even goes as far as becoming quite touchy, his hands lingering on Felix’s arm or thigh.

“This is what we call flirting, Lix” Changbin tells him with a laugh when Felix is complaining about this change in behavior.

Felix groans and buries his head in his hands. “What do I do ?” he laments.

“You flirt back !” Changbin points at him with an accusatory finger.

“How ?” Felix cries. “I suck at this.”

“Just match his energy, see what happens.” Changbin says with a shrug.

It sounds so easy on paper but Felix is so nervous he is convinced he’s going to be laughed at. What if he read everything wrong ? What if Jeongin is just very friendly ?

‘You can’t know if you don’t try’ he hears Changbin’s voice echoing in his head. So, he braces himself and tries to appear as confident as he can when he goes to his dance class that day. Fake it until you make it, as they say.

So, he follows Changbin’s advice and flirts back. He tries at least. And he finds he quite likes it.

It feels freeing to be able to smile and touch as much as he wanted to before. He is not being inappropriate, but he does let his hands wander along Jeongin's back or shoulders, just a tad longer to be fully innocent. He also lets his eyes roam free, especially when he watches Jeongin dance, almost always catching his eyes at some point through the mirror.

And Jeongin is getting more and more persistent, visibly delighted with the way the events turned out. Felix also finds that he is more and more comfortable around Jeongin the more they know each other. He is a very sweet guy but has always a bratty air to him, and Felix loves it.

They spend more and more time together, up until the point Felix invites Jeongin over at his home. His parents love him, using the fact that another korean kid is in their house to cook some more traditional meals and speaking solely in korean which Felix only understands a word out of three.

But it’s okay, it’s a price Felix is willing to make if it means he can have Jeongin sleep over and cuddle him before falling asleep. It’s a Friday night during one of their sleepovers that they kiss for the first time.

Jeongin is roasting him because he beat Felix on Mario kart for the third time in a row and Felix throws a pillow at him in retaliation. Follows a literal pillow fight between the two, the game controllers forgotten on the floor.

The fight is brought to an end when Jeongin successfully pins Felix's hands next to his face. They are both panting, the remnants of their laughter still present on their faces when their eyes connect. They look at each other for a few beats, Jeongin slowly lowering his head until they are only a few centimeters apart.

Felix gulps and raises his head to cross what little space they had between them. When their lips touch, he feels like electricity courses through his veins, making his heart beat that much faster and his head spin. It only lasts for a few seconds but Felix feels like it was hours.

When they separate, neither of them say anything. They find each other’s eyes once again and it’s not long before Jeongin reaches down to capture Felix’s lips some more.

They spend the rest of the night just kissing each other silly, so much so Felix’s lips are red and tender when they finally settle down for sleep. They are all tangled up with each other, their faces only a couple of centimeters apart.

“So you’re my boyfriend right ?” he whispers.

“Of course.” Jeongin whispers back.

_________________________

“I can’t believe you waited until you senior year of fucking high school to get your first kiss.” Changbin grumbles around the food in his mouth.

“I’m actually glad I waited.” Felix giggles. “It was so magical.”

“Are you gonna wait for marriage to fuck too ?” Changbin asks rhetorically.

“Maybe ?” Felix still answers.

Changbin looks up at him with an arched brow.

“Alright, no.” Felix chuckles. “Jeongin is too hot for that.” he says before taking a bite.

Changbin hums and swallows. “And also, he leaves in a few months.”

Felix stops at that. He looks at Changbin with big round eyes.

“What ?” Changbin asks. “He’s just an exchange student, he has to go back to Korea eventually.”

“Yeah, I know, I just…” Felix starts. “I just never thought about it.” he swallows his bite dejectfully.

“Gotta make the time you have together count.” Changbin smirks and raises his eyebrows suggestively.

“Shut up.” Felix laughs at his friend’s antics. “Finish your food, I don’t want to be late for the next period.” he changes the subject.

But the seed has been planted in Felix’s brain.

He tries to bring it up the next time he sees him and Jeongin, being the sweetheart that he is, asked him a couple hundred times if he was sure and that they could take their time.

Oh, Felix is so sure. He is mortified when he actually has to buy some condoms and lube but shame never killed anybody. And when the time comes at their next sleepover, he is so, so ready.

His body is burning with every touch, goosebumps raising all over him with every kiss, moans ripping out of him with every thrust. Jeongin is doted and attentive of his every reaction and Felix could not have dreamed of a better way to lose his virginity.

He had always thought that sex was an act you could only do with someone that matters. He thinks that people who have sex with strangers must be really sad and that the act must be so unfulfilling because once he had tasted sex with Jeongin, he could never want anything else. Each time they do it feels better than the last and Felix falls more and more in love.

His parents and sisters love Jeongin and his friends too. They spend all the time that they can together and it all feels perfect. He never wants it to end.

_________________________

“I want to go to uni in Korea.” Felix breaks the news to his parents one night.

They are, evidently, choked at what their son just told them but they try to be supportive as much as they can.

Felix tells them he has already filed an application and got a response, that this university proposed accommodations for a low price so his parents wouldn’t have to pay too much and that Jeongin was starting to study in Seoul too so he wouldn’t even be alone.

This conversation came with quite a few tears from Felix’s mother but they are overall happy that Felix found a new interest with his roots.

And Felix is so excited to go, finally get his independence, start university and be with Jeongin. This new source of motivation gets him going throughout the end of the school year, actually being interested in his classes and giving his all when dancing. He also spends a lot of time with Jeongin having sex, having the libido of the horny teens they are.

And when the time comes Jeongin’s Visa is going to expire, Felix is almost ready to leave with him. Unfortunately, he has to wait until the end of the summer to go as his parents wanted him to be with them as long as they could before he had to leave.

Felix is laying on top of Jeongin, both of them butt naked as they just finished two rounds of really intense goodbye sex. Jeongin’s plane back to Korea is tomorrow and Felix wanted to make their last night together in Sydney count before they were to be separated for a full month.

“I’m going to miss you so much.” Jeongin whispers with a shaky voice.

“It’s only for a month, babe.” Felix murmurs, half asleep.

A few beats pass before Jeongin sighs. “Yeah, just a month.”

Felix falls asleep with the wish of being able to let his heart sink into Jeongin’s rib cage below him, fusioning their hearts together to prove to him that he has nothing to worry about and Felix will not let him down.

And the next day, Jeongin is gone.

_________________________

Felix shivers when he steps out of the plane. He left the warm late summer of Australia almost eleven hours ago to find the harsh Korean winter.

He fusses a coat around him and makes his way toward the exit of the airport. He looks around, searching for Jeongin. They had agreed to meet at the airport and Jeongin would drive him to his accommodation and help him settle.

He waits a little, maybe Jeongin is stuck in traffic and is late. He uses this spare time to text his friends and family that he made it to Seoul in one piece. He finds a spot to sit as he keeps waiting for Jeongin to show up.

He waits. No Jeongin.

He keeps waiting, still no Jeongin.

He gets frustrated and tries to call him but the call ends before it is even dialed. Felix’s heart falls in his stomach. He tries to search for his conversation with Jeongin, still remembering the last text he sent him before taking off. He can’t find it anywhere. He tries to look for any of Jeongin’s socials but he can’t find any.

He has been blocked. Everywhere.

Tears start to pool at the corner of his eyes. What is happening ? He is alone in a foreign country, barely speaking the language and Jeongin blocked him. Completely removed him from his life.

He stays in the same spot another hour just crying, thinking that maybe it was a misunderstanding and Jeongin will appear and explain everything. But no one came.

Eventually, he had to do something. So he finds the first taxi that passes and indicates the address of his accommodation. His tears had dried when he arrived, he wanted to make a good first impression.

The apartment he ends up in is a place shared with five other students. He manages in some way to carry his suitcase and backpack up the three flights of stairs and punches the code in the front door’s lock.

When it opens with a happy chime, silence finds him on the other side. He steps in as silently as he can but one can’t be that quiet packed as he is. He is surprised to find the five guys with whom he will be sharing his flat all sitting in the kitchen, waiting patiently for him to fully come inside.

“Hello,” he begins, his voice raspy from all the crying. “I’m Yongbok. Nice to meet you.” he finishes with a bow. His korean is broken and his accent terrible but at least he can say the basics of the basics.

The guys say nothing, just looking him up and down. He was sure to be quite a sight with his hair disheveled, his eyes rimmed red and his sweatpants that had seen better days. But this was not a reason to stare him down like that he thinks. He shuffles a little on his feet, feeling uncomfortable with the five pairs of eyes on him.

Finally, one of them stands up. “I’m Sunghoon. Follow me.”

Sunghoon takes him to a room with two twin beds pushed on either side of the room. There was also a desk and a wardrobe for each bed.

“This is our room.” Sunghoon says. “My bed is there.” he points to the bed the closest to the door.

“Thank you !” Felix says as cheerfully as he can.

Sunghoon only hums and turns around to the kitchen where he can hear all his flatmates speaking in hushed voices.

Felix sighs and begins to put his stuff away into his designated wardrobe. Once he’s done, he finds the shared bathroom and takes a hot shower, trying to wash away this awful day.

He goes back to his room, lets himself fall into the bed that is right under the window and takes a final look at his phone, hoping to find a message from Jeongin. Of course, the only texts he has are from his mom and Changbin, respectively asking how his place is and if his roommates are nice.

He doesn’t have the force to answer to any of them so he just plugs his phone, turns off the light and cries himself to sleep.

Chapter Text

Felix had been in Seoul for a full week now and he feels more sad than ever.

His flatmates don't speak to him unless necessary and his classes haven't started so he doesn't even have anywhere to go during the day to escape the tense environment.

After only two days of wandering around the shared apartment and hearing his flatmates stop their conversation when he enters the room, he gets sick of it.

So he goes out. He ends up spending his mornings in cafes, reading some book he took with him from Sydney and his afternoons in cybercafes, the games he plays keeping him from thinking too much.

He still checks multiple times a day if Jeongin sent him anything. It’s never the case. He feels stupid every time he does but he can’t help it. He still has a glimpse of hope that this is all a misunderstanding.

But it stays at that, hope.

When the one week since his arrival mark arrives, he is completely fed up. He comes back to the flat after being out all day to his flatmates all drinking and playing games in the living room without him. Without even warning him.

Felix is exasperated of being treated like he doesn't exist in his own home. Fuck them, he doesn't need anyone.

He goes to his room, gets changed into more party worthy clothes and leaves the flat without a word, not that his flatmates would care anyway.

He is alone at night in the middle of Seoul, he ought to enjoy his time here one way or another. This is how he enters the first club he sees.

He has never been to a club, especially not in Korea so he doesn't know what to expect. He feels a bit nervous but he is determined. He is going to have a good night.

The loud music greets him as soon as he passes the entryway. The club is hot with the warmth of all the bodies dancing around him. And if there is one thing he knows he can do, it's dancing.

So, he dances. Eyes closed, hips swaying to the beat, he dances like this is the last time he’ll ever have the chance.

Hours go by but he doesn't stop. Here on the dance floor, he doesn't feel alone. He is surrounded by dancing people in different stages of intoxication, his heart beating in rhythm with the heavy bass.

When he becomes too sweaty and thirsty, he orders a fruity cocktail that he downs in one go before going back to the dance floor.

As the night goes by, he becomes more and more fuzzy with the alcohol in his system and his head starts spinning lightly.

He doesn't stop dancing until his feet hurt too much. He is blinded by the rising sun when he steps out of the dark club. He walks back to his flat, feeling somewhat lighter than when he first came here last night.

When he arrives in his room, he quickly changes into some pajamas and collapses in his bed. He falls asleep without even having the time to think.

_________________________

Felix is panting when he arrives at the top of the stairs, looking frantically around to find the room he was supposed to be in ten minutes ago.

His classes had started for just two weeks and he was still getting lost inside the immense building. He slips into the right room as quietly as he can but he knows he failed when his instructor looks him dead in the eyes.

“Sorry for being late” he bows.

“Go warm up quickly.” She only answers.

Felix doesn't waste time to oblige, not wanting to provoke his luck today. He easily gets lost in his head once they start the class, focusing on his steps and his sweaty form in the mirror.

When they take a water break he takes a look at the loud group of students on the other side of the room. He easily spots Yeonjun right in the middle, telling a probably very funny story seeing all the girls around him start giggling at each of his sentences.

Felix is not jealous of Yeonjun, every one with functioning eyes and brain can see he’s a looker and he will certainly not deny it. It’s only logical that he would attract girls like moths to a flame.

And Felix is nothing if not another moth in this case. He can't help his gaze from lingering on Yeonjun’s body. He hadn't had sex for quite some time now and he can feel the need settle into him, making his lower belly tight.

He can be civilized though and stop ogling at his classmate when he feels like he did it for too long. The rest of the class goes by without anything particular to it.

When everyone starts to leave the room once it’s over, Felix stays a little behind, taking his time answering the stupid memes Changbin sent.

“I’ve seen how you look at me.”

Felix jumps and turns around to find who’s voice he just heard right next to him. And sure enough, Yeonjun is here, staring at Felix. He feels a cold sweat running down his spine. This is it, he’s going to get confronted for his weird behavior.

“Uh, I- I’m-” Felix stutters.

“I’m sorry, you’re really cute but I’m already taken.” Yeonjun continues with a smirk.

Felix stares right back at Yeonjun in total disbelief. He doesn’t even know what to answer. He doesn’t have to though, as Yeonjun just keeps going.

“But if you really want to find somebody, I know a place.” he says, still smirking like he knows something Felix doesn’t.

“Uhm, that’s nice but I’m not sure I can find what I’m looking for around here.” Felix answers with a frail voice.

“Oh, you can.” Yeonjun assures with a nod.

“Really ?” Felix asks, not sure they are on the same page.

“When you know where to go…” Yeonjun simply says. He hands Felix a piece of paper with a number written on it. “Text me, I’ll introduce you to my boyfriend around a nice drink.” he winks before turning on his heels and leaving the room.

This is how, two days later, Felix was meeting with Yeonjun in a part of Seoul he had never been to before. At first he was very scared by where they were going, further from the hyper-center than he ever would have thought. He was starting to get nervous, thinking that maybe it was a trap and Felix will be ganged on by a group of scary men but no.

They take a turn and suddenly the street is littered with rainbow flags on every window and bars are filled to the brim with young and pretty men and women alike. Felix doesn’t know where to look, every corner giving him a new element of surprise, a few men in fishnets passing by or a lesbian couple making out against a building.

Yeonjun doesn’t stop though, making a beeline to a tent that is draped in the middle of the street, surrounded by other little tents all over.

“Welcome to Homo Hill ! You don’t have to be afraid here.” Yeonjun turns to Felix with a knowing smile. He opens the tent and hushers Felix inside. “It’s almost impossible to get a table in there but I know the Ajhuma who works here. I’ve been coming here for more than two years now.” he tells Felix in what sounds like a confidence.

They sit at a table where a boy was apparently waiting for them, Yeonjun’s boyfriend Felix guesses as he wraps his arms around Yeonjun’s waist and pulls him in for a kiss. Felix sits opposite of them and feels a little weird being the third wheel to a couple he barely knows.

Finally, Yeonjun pulls back and grins. “Baby, this is Felix, we share a few classes together,” he says. “Felix, this is my boyfriend Soobin.”

“Nice to meet you.” he says in a small voice.

“Aw, your accent is so cute !” Soobin exclaims. He fills three cups with soju that he had already opened on the table. “Where are you from ?”

Felix accepts the glass of alcohol and drinks it in one go along the couple on the other side of the table. “Australia.” he finally answers.

“Oh wow !” Soobin looks at him, surprise evident on his face. “How are you holding on here ?”

“It’s been rough, not gonna lie.” Felix chuckles nervously.

“Don’t worry,” Yeonjun reaches for the bottle and fills their cups once again. “Nothing like a good night out to forget your problems.” he raises his glass before downing it, Soobin in tow.

“I hope so…” Felix mumbles before emptying his glass.

Before he realizes it, they have finished more soju bottles than he can count. His understanding in Korean is usually pretty low, but now it’s almost impossible to try to get anything that comes from the others mouths with the buzzing in his ears. He is jittery, on fire, an itch growing under his skin.

He perks up immediately when Yeonjun stands up from his chair and yells “Let’s go dance !”

So, they find themselves dancing in the dark of a nearby club. Felix is having the time of his life, dancing the jittery feeling away.

And soon enough, hands find their way on his hips. He turns to see who they belong to and okay, the guy is cute. He isn’t sure anything is going to get out of it but he might as well dance a little with the guy yeah ?

It’s fun to indulge a little. They dance together, closer and closer with each song until the guy has his tongue in Felix’s mouth and his hands on his ass.

At that moment, Felix wonders what he is doing. Why is he letting this random stranger grope him like that ?

But then, said stranger is trailing kisses and nips down his jaw and neck and Felix’s head is spinning and the hands on him feels so good. He throws his head back with a moan when he feels the guy’s crotch grinding against his own. It feels so good and he is so horny. Surely he can indulge a little more ?

He finds himself on his hands and knees, gripping the pristine sheets of the hotel bed. He feels so good. And like this, with the help of the buzzing alcohol in his blood, he can easily imagine he is somewhere else, with someone else. He can easily recall his bedroom back in Sydney, Jeongin whispering sweet nothing into his ear.

He doesn’t know for how long he slept, but the sun is shining through the curtains the next time he opens his eyes. He is completely naked, all tangled in the white hotel sheets. He looks around and his gaze falls into the other man in the bed, still soundly asleep.

Felix doesn’t even know his name.

Dread fills him to his very core. What the fuck is he doing ? He slips out of the bed and silently puts his clothes back on. He gives a final glance to the guy still sleeping in the bed and leaves the room.

The way back to his apartment is the longest forty-five minutes of Felix’s life. He jumps into the shower as soon as he steps foot inside. He feels dirty, offering himself on a silver platter to a stranger.

The rest of his day is spent agonizing about what he had done. But the days come and go, he spends more time thinking about it and the more he does, the less it feels like a life-changing thing he had done.

In retrospect it had felt nice. Pretty nice, even. The more days pass, the more the tight feeling in Felix’s lower belly becomes present and the more the memory becomes pleasant.

So when Yeonjun asks him after class if he wants to go out again, he agrees easily.

_________________________

It becomes sort of a ritual, going out every week with Yeonjun and Soobin. They drink and dance all night long and every time, Felix spends the night in a hotel room.

Each time he wakes up undressed with a different man sharing the sheets, he feels numb.

He rarely remembers their names, if he even knew them to begin with. And each time, he wonders if the rush of the alcohol mixed with the overpowering feeling of being desired is worth the hollowness in his stomach once morning comes.

It has to be worth it, in some way, if he does so every occasion he can get.

But soon, going out once a week is not enough. Felix needs to escape the shithole that is his apartment -and also his own head- but he doesn't have any friends outside of Yeonjun and Soobin.

He decides that if he can't be accompanied, he’ll just go alone. Besides, he never stays lonely for long when he goes out.

Once a week, becomes three times a week, becomes once every other day. He goes out, gets black out drunk and finish his night getting fucked faced smashed into a hotel bed. In a way, this routine is kind of a catharsis.

The only time Felix can think about something else than his bleeding heart and suffocating loneliness.

It’s during a night out on Thursday night that he meets Minho.

Minho is a Japanese exchange student in Seoul, his hair is a deep purple and his eyes are the ones of a mischievous cat. Once he saw Felix dancing in the club, he latched on his prey and didn't let go.

Felix can say with confidence that the night he spends with Minho is the best one he had since he came to Korea by far.

When he wakes up the next morning he is alone in the hotel room which is the first time that had happened to him, usually being the one that leaves while the other is still sleeping.

Felix is a little disappointed, he really liked Minho. He gets up and starts dressing, not wanting to be late for his morning lecture. It’s only when he gets home much later that day that he finds a piece of paper in his jean’s back pocket, a number hastily written on it with a little ‘Call me’ followed by a little heart.

So he does. And Minho is a blast, to say the least. He is always willing to go out with Felix, no matter which day of the week, he never makes fun of Felix for mixing up his words between Koran and English and they always have sex at one point during the night.

Being with Minho is thrilling, Felix feels like he could never get bored with him. He always has a fun story to tell or randomly decides to go on an ‘adventure’ with Felix.

It’s during one of said adventures that Minho suggests Felix takes a pill.

“It’s nothing, really.” He says while turning a few little blue pills in his hand. “You’ll feel so good.” He adds with this tantalizing smile of his. “I take them all the time.” He finishes when he sees the doubt on Felix’s face.

And to prove his point, he takes two right in front of him. Felix is not an idiot, he knows what these blue pills are. He hesitates, staring at the blue tentation in Minho’s hand.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be with you the whole time.” Minho smiles again, fingers gently tracing Felix’s chin.

Without thinking longer, Felix takes a pill from Minho's hand and swallows it. Minho is on him immediately, smacking their lips into a bruising kiss.

The sex they have that night is literally mind blowing. Felix has never been in this stage of euphoria. His whole body is on fire and the most sensitive it has ever been, his orgasm seeming to just never end.
Regret comes before he even opens his eyes this time. Once again, he is wondering what he is doing with his life. Even the sweet touches from Minho can keep him from his own head.

It was only a one time thing, he is never going to do it again. It was fun for one night, but never, ever again.

He gets back to his eerily silent flat. Even though his flatmates never talked to him, they at least talked to each other and sharing your space with five other persons means that the times when you happen to be alone are very low.

But this time, Flex is well and truly alone. Before he has the time to start enjoying this once in a lifetime opportunity to watch TV in the living room, he sees a letter on the kitchen table with his name on it.

He doesn’t know if he has to feel disappointed or relieved when he opens it. He is being transferred to a new accommodation, his current flatmates deeming him ‘a distraction to their studies’. What a lovely euphemism to say they hated him. He has until the end of the week to move but he will not be catched sleeping one more night here. He packs his stuff and leaves without a second thought.

He knocks on the door of the apartment listed on the letter as his new place. There’s shuffling on the other side before the door opens to a boy with the biggest cheeks and roundest eyes Felix has seen.

“Hi ! I’m Jisung ! Come in !” the guy, Jisung, says cheerily.

Well that is certainly a very different welcome than from his last flatmates. Felix steps into the flat, significantly smaller than his last one.

“You’re Yongbok right ?” Jisung asks after shutting the door.

“Yeah, but you can call me Felix.” he answers with a smile.

“Alright Felix, welcome ! This is only a four person unit so half of the headcount is here now. I’ll be your roommate, come this way.” Jisung leads him to a room very reminiscent of the one he used to share with Sunghoon. “I’ll let you settle.” he leaves with a small smile.

Felix lets out a relieved sigh. Maybe this is his chance to get along with the people he lives with. He looks around the room once he finished emptying his suitcase, making sure everything is well in its place. He notices a little rainbow flag in Jisung’s pen holder on his desk and smiles.

When he steps out of the bedroom, Jisung is seated at the kitchen table with two fuming cups in front of him.

“I’ve made some tea !” he perks up when he notices Felix standing by the kitchen door.

Yeah, Felix really has a shot of maybe making an actual friend.

_________________________

Felix and Jisung spend the entire day talking, getting to know each other. Jisung has an exciting bubbling energy that Felix just loves. He doesn’t see time pass, he is having so much fun. He learns Jisung is studying music in the building right next to his.

“We can walk to our lectures together !” Jisung exclaims.

It makes Felix feel warm to know that he can finally make it, finally the loneliness can be over.

They are interrupted by the front door opening to let in who Felix guesses to be their other flatmates. And wow, he is sure his mouth is hanging open when he catches sight of the tall blonde that steps into the living room.

“This is Hyunjin.” Jisung introduces, “Don’t even try to hit on him, he's painfully straight.” he finishes with a pout.

Hyunjin drops on the couch next to Felix and smiles at him. “Nice to meet you.”

“Have you considered the fact that you’re maybe just not his type ?” they hear another voice coming through. “Maybe Jinnie doesn't fuck with whiny bottoms.” the last flatmate enters the living room. “Hi, I’m Seungmin.” he smiles like he didn't just make Jisung gasp with indignation.

Hyunjin cackles next to them. “Come on, Seung, don’t scare the new guy off.”

Felix only laughs, “Don't worry about that, I can accompany Jisung by being another whiny bottom.”

“Thank god, we will not hear you two fuck then.” Seungmin smirks.

The evening Felix spends with his new flatmates is so refreshing. They talk and laugh and play games all night until they can no longer stay awake. Even if Felix can’t always understand everything that is going on, he never feels left out.

The next morning, Jisung is true to his word and walks with Felix to the campus. It took a whole semester before he could feel like a real student and it feels good.

He likes spending his evenings with Jisung watching animal documentaries or just silently reading with Seungmin. But he can’t help but feel jittery again, the itch under his skin coming back.

It has been a few days since he last saw Minho and he missed him in a way. So he shoots him a text, like a bottle to the sea. And Minho always responds.

He tells Jisung to not wait for him and joins Minho at their usual bar. Minho’s pupils are blown wide when Felix arrives, making his eyes a dark pool of lust.

Felix told himself he wouldn't do it again. But seeing the want in Minho’s eyes makes his gut tighten with the memory of the last time they had sex. He wants it.

He takes a pill from Minho again. Only when he goes out, he thinks. This is just to party, he will not let himself slide.

He takes a pill every time they go out, and soon enough it becomes two or three because just one is not enough, the euphoria starting to feel dull.

He sees Yeonjun and Soobin less and less, the couple straying away from him. Felix can’t seem to care when every night with Minho is like a gift.

Jisung comes along sometimes, Felix inviting him after the other makes a pouty face after he was told not to wait for Felix once again. He never takes anything else other than alcohol though, glaring at the little blue pills when he sees them in Minho and Felix’s hands.

One night, Felix is so tired by his fucked up sleep schedule he asks Minho to just hand out and not go out for once. Minho invites him over to his cramped up studio and opens the door with a side smirk.

“I have just the right thing for you.” he mutters as a greeting, kissing his way along Felix’s neck. He steps back and takes a little plastic bag filled with white powder from his pocket. “Bought it just for you.”

“I’ve never taken that.” Felix answers with a scowl.

“Don’t worry I’ll show you.” Minho latches his mouth on Felix's collarbone, his hands making their way down his sides.

“Okay.” Felix simply answers. Because nothing is complicated when Minho is guiding him.

Coke is very different from ecstasy but in a good way. Felix feels like he can take over the world right now, nothing will ever stop him. They do end up going out that night.

_________________________

Months go by and nothing really changes. Except maybe for the fact that Felix actually likes his flatmates and when he is not out, he spends his evenings with them.

The end of his first year in Korea is quickly approaching and with that, Minho’s impending departure.

Felix actually managed to pass his classes which is nothing short of a miracle because he can’t remember being going to his finals.

But no classes and exams means he can go out all the time now -not that it changes a lot from before- and he can do so without the guilt.

And he really makes his time with Minho worth it, taking more and more ecstasy and coke, sometimes even a blotting paper of acid when they feel frisky.

Then, Minho has to leave. Felix is here, at the airport, to say goodbye. They share one last hug and Minho is off.

Felix’s way back to his place is funny because the hollowness in his stomach is back but the effect of the three pills he took with Minho before he takes off are making him giddy.

He comes home to Jisung sprawled on their couch, being the only other one of his flatmates to stay there during their break.

Jisung looks up at him and smiles. Felix smiles back and plops on top of Jisung without a word.

Chapter Text

Felix is attempting to replace the hole in his life previously filled by Minho’s presence. Since he left, Felix has found himself wandering around, not knowing what to do.

He tries to dance as much as he can, whether it being in his summer classes or in the clubs, but neither is as rewarding now that he doesn’t feel Minho’s touch at the end. He had tried hook ups again but all of them were boring.

They were all missing something, the harsh grips of Minho or Jeongin’s sweet words he didn’t know. And he doesn’t want to know.

Even the drugs had started to feel more and more boring. The itch under Felix’s skin could no longer be scratched by them and it makes him feel all the more jittery. He is longing to find the euphoria and excitement he first got when he first started going out.

It’s Jisung that suggests they go out that night. Just a few shy days away from the end of their break, they are in the living room watching some nature documentary, Felix high from the few pills he popped from his stash in his desk’s drawer earlier that evening.

“I wanna fuck.” Jisung blurts, breaking the silence between them.

“I don’t think I’m the one for you, Sungie.” Felix bursts out a laugh.

“I don’t want to fuck you !” Jisung whines. A few beats pass with no one talking before, “Let’s go out. Find someone to spend the night with.” he pouts.

Felix doesn’t really have to think twice about it, “Sure.”

And off they are to a bar that is very familiar to Felix. At that point, he thinks there is not a single bar or club that is not familiar to him in this city.

Sober Jisung is always very bubbly but still quite shy, preferring to stay in his comfort zone and avoid talking to people he doesn’t know. Drunk Jisung, however, is one hell of a social butterfly. All of his notion of social distance also goes through the window, meaning he is glued to whoever he is speaking to at the moment.

While Felix and Jisung are not talking right now per se, they are still dancing together and pretty close to each other thanks to Jisung’s intoxication. And Felix is not the one who’s going to push his friend away.

He has always liked the closeness between them, Jisung always being okay with all the cuddles Felix puts him through. They even had started sleeping in the same bed some nights, when Felix feels like the hollowness in his stomach is too much, Jisung crawls next to him and holds him there until they fall asleep.

But there was never this much tension between them. It was very probably fueled by both of their horniness and the amount of alcohol they had ingurgitated since they arrived at the club.

It is not made better by the man who appears behind Felix, front pressed to his back and hands reaching for Jisung’s waist in front of them. Felix does notice the ring on the man’s left hand but he’s not going to start asking questions now. He is sandwiched between a strong torso and buff arms and a lean, petite Jisung in front of him so who’s going to sue him ?

“Kiss.” Felix hears in his ear.

He searches for Jisung’s eyes and all he sees is hunger in his roommate’s eyes. So he leans forward without much thought and locks his lips with Jisung’s. The kiss is messy and uncoordinated but neither care, too lost in the daze in their heads. He doesn’t know for how long they make out but when he feels grinding against his ass, Felix can’t help but moan in Jisung’s mouth.

Touches become more insistent, petting more heavy and Felix’s head all the more buzzing with the premise of what he’s been craving. The walk to the hotel passes in a blur and before he can realize, Felix is being railed into oblivion with Jisung making the hottest sounds beneath him. A strong hand curls around his neck and he rolls his eyes far back in his head, the thrill of his windpipes being squished making him almost delirious.

Oh, this orgasm is glorious. Felix floats above the clouds for what feels like hours. He is brought back to the present by a door being slammed and screams. He registers a woman has entered the room and is shouting about cheating and phone’s location in between a few insults and slurs.

Jisung nudges him to put their clothes back on and leave. They go unnoticed as the apparently married couple are still arguing and don't say a word until they are outside the building.

A few seconds pass as they contemplate the extent of what just happened before Jisung breaks the tense silence with a “Well, damn.”

Felix looks his way with a quirk on his lips and when they make eye contact, they burst out of laughter. They keep giggling until they’re back in their shared room and fall into bed.

It’s been long since Felix felt this alive.

_________________________

Hyunjin and Seungmin come back a day before the end of their break. They spend their evening catching up, listening to Seungmin’s recount of his travels and looking at Hyunjin’s photo album of his dog. It feels nice, Felix thinks. He is so content being with his friends tonight that he almost doesn’t feel the need to take a few pills.

When Hyunjin suddenly asks them what they had been up to the last couple of weeks, Felix and Jisung look at each other like deers caught in headlights.

“We went out a few tim-” Felix starts with a coy smile.

“We fucked.” Jisung deadpans.

“God fucking damn it.” Seungmin groans, making Hyunjin cackle. “Are we going to hear you two fuck now ?”

“Nah, it was only a one time thing.” Jisung dismisses with a wave of his hand.

“Pretty crazy one time thing even, I don’t know if I can do another night like this.” Felix laughs.

“What the fuck happened ?” Hyunjin asks with his eyes so wide they might pop out of his skull.

Jisung recounts the whole night with grand gestures and exclamations making Felix giggle and Hyunjin gasp like the drama queen he is. When he arrives at the end of the night, even Seungmin watches them with his mouth agape.

“And then she was all like ‘those fags are taking you away from me’ and ‘you always liked slutty twinks’ to the poor guy who was still completely naked !” Jisung finishes.

“I don’t remember any word of what she said, I just heard screaming.” Felix says with a laugh.

“No wonder, you were high as a fucking kite that night, Lix.” Jisung shakes his head.

Hyunjin and Seungmin share a worried glance at each other. “Are you still taking stuff, Lix ?” Seungmin asks with a soft voice.

Felix's smile drops. “Yeah, why ?” he says defensively.

“We just thought it was only something you did when you were with that Japanese guy…” Hyunjin says tentatively.

Felix hums. “Well, apparently not.”

Hyunjin and Seungmin share another look but don’t say anything, they just change the topic.

_________________________

When Felix goes back to his classes after the end of the break, he is happy to find familiar faces. He isn’t very close to the people he has classes with but it’s still nice to chat a little.

What he didn’t expect though is the swarm of compliments he gets for his shape. His classmates are gushing over how lean he has become and how apparent his muscles are. The validation is good, Felix isn’t gonna lie.

That evening, he spends a little more time checking himself out in the mirror than usual. He inspects his body under all angles and he must say that his thin body does look fine. He has to say, between his fucked up sleep schedule and the drugs that cut all his appetite, he doesn’t remember eating anything else than instant noodles and smoothies in the past few weeks.

He doesn’t mind, he’s not that hungry anyway. The only thing he is hungry for, right now, is a good dicking down. He prepares himself to go out, getting changed into an outfit he is sure will turn heads.

“You’re going out ?” Jisung asks with his toothbrush hanging out of his mouth.

“Yeah, don’t wait up.” Felix says as he reaches for his stash of pills in his drawer. He pockets them and when he turns to leave the room, he faces a worried Jisung in the door’s frame.

“Be careful.” he says, eyeing the pocket Felix just put his pills in.

“Don’t worry, Sung.” Felix smiles in return. The worry doesn’t leave Jisung’s eyes but he lets Felix go anyway.

The club is loud and bustling, just the way he likes it. He can feel the gazes of several men following his every movement, he knows he looks good. It isn’t long before someone is dancing with him. He’s cute enough to fuck Felix tonight.

As they keep dancing, Felix notices a detail. A band around a finger of the man’s left hand. The sight makes him scoff, how many closeted married men frequented these clubs ? But the thrill is oh, so present and the itch only growing under Felix’s skin.

The rest of the night is a blast for Felix, his skin prickling every time he could feel the cold metal on the man’s hand press on him and his mind buzzing with a deep level of satisfaction.

He likes it, he likes the thought of being someone’s dirty little secret, he likes the feeling of being able to break this man’s life if he wants to. It would be so easy to wait for him to fall asleep and send a picture to his wife, showing her what her husband is doing at night.

He likes the thought of being able to fuck someone life’s up just like his own life is fucked up.

_________________________

The day of his birthday is lonely. They had celebrated the day before as well as Jisung’s birthday with Hyunjin, Seungmin and some other friends of Jisung’s but today, his actual birthday, Felix is alone.

It’s not his flatmate's fault they all have classes and he hasn’t. It’s not their fault Felix’s family is in Australia. It’s not their fault Felix has to spend this day alone.

He does call his parents and sisters at some point, but once the call ends he feels all the more isolated. His 20th birthday, he is alone in a foreign country. He takes pills, hoping the day will go by faster and his mind floats away.

His phone vibrates on his mattress he doesn’t know how long after. He picks up and is face to face with Changbin with a radiant smile on his face.

“Happy birthday !” he yells through the phone.

Felix can’t help the blinding smile that crosses his face. “Thank you Binnie !”

“Oh my god it’s been so long ! You have barely called since like January !” Changbin exclaims with a tone of reproach.

Felix feels bad, it’s true he hasn’t really thought of his old friend in so long. “Sorry…” he tries. “I’ve been busy.”

“Mmmmh, don’t forget to call me from time to time though.” Changbin pouts.

“I’m really sorry, Bin. I’ll try to be better.” Felix apologize. He really does feel like shit.

“Anyway,” Changbin continues, seeming to have already forgiven Felix. Changbin tells Felix all about what he’s been up to, his studies, his friends, his boyfriend. Felix is so happy for his friend that it hurts. It hurts his guts and his feelings. His mind starts drifting away, troubling to stay in the conversation.

He thinks of all the things he is missing in Sydney and all the things his friends do that he cannot witness. His eyes start to water without him realizing it.

“Lix, are you crying ?” Changbin asks, alarmed.

Felix wipes his eyes and looks straight at Changbin through the screen. “Sorry.”

“Felix, are you high right now ? Your pupils are huge !” Changbin asks while approaching his screen to try and see better.

“No,” Felix answers but it sounds like a lie even in his own ears.

“Lixie…” Changbin sounds heartbroken.

Felix can’t say anything, his sobs crash through him in waves, making it hard to breathe.

“Lixie, calm down. I’m not mad, just worried.” he hears Changbin’s voice coming from his phone.

“I miss you.” Felix manages to let out.

“I miss you too.” Changbin says in a wet voice.

When Jisung comes home from his classes that evening, he finds Felix in his bed, a bottle of pills open hanging in his hand. Jisung sighs, puts the pills away and crawls next to Felix in his tiny twin bed. Felix jolts with sobs when Jisung ties his arms around his waist.

“I’m here, I’m here.” Jisung whispers.

He cradles Felix until the sobs and tears subside. When Jisung can feel the deep breaths meaning Felix is finally asleep, he lets out another long sigh and wills the tears in his eyes to stay at bay.

_________________________

Felix starts to make it a sort of game. He arrives at the club, tries to find a man with a wedding ring on, or even better, a couple that came there together and tries to spend the night with them -or with one of them, in case of a couple.

He knows how people look at him, he knows how his outfits are specifically chosen to accentuate his slim figure and is just revealing enough to want more. It’s an art, he thinks. The art of being the temptation that makes these men lose their minds. Felix revels in the power trip, it being combined with the high of the drugs makes an explosive cocktail. And he wants more.

While it’s really fun to fuck married men, it’s even more fun to break a couple. Because men are just so fucking easy, a sweet smile and a light touch and they’re ready to tear their life for release.

It’s something Felix could never understand, the desire to cheat on a partner. Why would you date someone if you jump on the first occasion to fuck someone else ? He thinks that maybe these people are afraid of being alone but once again, it’s something he doesn’t understand.

Felix is only happy when he’s alone and on the run. Well, maybe happy is not the right word. Maybe he should say it's only like this that he feels anything at all.

And he feels so much when he sleeps with taken men. He likes it when he flirts with some guy and their partner finds them out. He must say, a lot of the nights where he tries to leave with one part of a couple finishes in either a fight or a threesome. Sometimes all of it at the same time. And Felix loves it.

He wouldn’t change anything.

Chapter Text

Jisung has convinced him to stay in more often at night. Felix must say that the extra sleep he gets on those nights is pleasing but the itch under his skin is still very much present.

He tries, he really tries to spend an evening with his flatmates just watching TV without taking anything but it’s hard. It’s especially hard when they insist on cooking him a full meal or ordering way too much take out when Felix is with them. Not that Felix doesn’t like the food, he just doesn’t want to eat too much.

He finally lost his baby cheeks and his abs are so much more defined now, so he doesn’t want to throw it all away. He settled on taking a mild dose on his nights in, far from enough to get him high but just enough to cut his appetite.

And it’s working like a charm. The guys never comment on how Felix almost never wants to eat with them but they ask him every chance they get if he’s sure he doesn’t want anything. It’s sweet, the nagging. But he can’t let himself slip.

He still goes out regularly, the need to scratch that itch just ever present, even if he has to admit, his current hookups had started to feel pretty dull. He tries not to think too much about it, let himself focus on the rewarding feeling of a dick down his throat or thrusting deep inside of him.

But deep down, what he craves are sweet murmurs in his ears and soft touches along his body. He craves love. To love and to be loved.

He realizes this is not something he will be able to find while actively poncing on taken men but it’s the closest thing he can get to settle the jittery feeling in his guts.

Not tonight though. Tonight is a night in for Felix, so Jisung and him are cuddling on the couch, sharing a blanket and Seungmin is sitting right next to them, a beer in his hand. They’re watching a superhero movie Hyunjin insisted on playing even though he is currently fast asleep on the armchair next to Seungmin. Nobody complains though, just enjoying each other's company.

Seungmin reaches for a slice of pizza on the coffee table, offering some to Jisung and Felix. While Jisung happily munches on his slice, Felix just turns down the one presented to him by Seungmin with a smile.

“Your loss.” he shrugs but not without pinching his brows for a second before relaxing back on the couch.

“You haven’t eaten at all tonight, Lix. Everything alright ? Are you sick ?” Jisung asks with a mouthful of pizza stored in his cheeks.

Felix snickers and pinches one of Jisung’s cheek before shrugging. “I’m just not hungry.”

Jisung’s mouth opens slightly as if he wants to say something but decides against it. He simply drops his head on Felix’s shoulder and keeps watching the movie.

Later, when they’re all getting ready for bed, a groggy Hyunjin steps into the bathroom where Felix and Jisung are brushing their teeth in one sink and Seungmin is shaving his face in the other and troubles to open his eyes because of the harsh lighting.

“I’m inviting my girlfriend here tomorrow night to introduce her to you guys, so keep your evening clear.” he says before retreating to his room with shuffling feet.

“Okay.” Seungmin simply answers and Jisung throws a thumbs up towards the hallway.

Felix keeps himself from grunting. He can’t go out two nights in a row now ?

__________________________

Minnie, Hyunjin’s girlfriend, is actually very nice. While at the beginning of the evening Felix was silently sulking the loss of his night getting railed, he has to admit that he did have a good night.

Hyunjin cooked for everyone and Felix ate his whole plate even if his appetite was not big. His friend had made such an effort for them, it would have been just rude to not eat anything. Hyunjin actually looked more delighted at the sight of Felix’s empty plate than by the compliments he got from his girlfriend.

But that didn’t stop them from being all gross and in love for the rest of the night. They drank a few beers, chatted and played silly games all night while Minnie and Hyunjin were constantly cuddling or touching each other in some way.

Seungmin was constantly complaining about the PDA forced on them but he looked at the couple fondly nonetheless. Jisung made a point of trying to cuddle Felix even more throughout the night to retaliate, pouting when Felix had to leave him only for a few minutes to take a piss. They overall had a perfectly pleasant night.

When everyone has settled in to sleep, Jisung turns in his bed to look at Felix with a smug grin.

Felix, who is sprawled under his covers, responding to a message from his sister, turns his head towards Jisung when the burning gaze from his roommate becomes too much.

“What ?”

“You ate everything on your plate tonight.” Jisung grins.

“Is that why you’re staring and smiling like a demon ?” Felix huffs with a small smile.

“Yeah.” he smiles even wider if it’s possible. Felix just shakes his head and returns to his phone but not without a smile lingering on his face. “I’m also just very happy for Jinnie. They look so cute together.”

“True. A shame he’s still not into guys though.” Felix responds.

“Don’t remind me.” Jisung whines, making Felix laugh. “No, but seriously, I’m really happy for them. I wish I could find someone good for me.”

Felix puts his phone away before humming in agreement. “I want someone to look at me the way Hyunjin looks at Minnie.” he says pensively.

“Even better, I want someone to look at me the way Seungmin looks at pizza.” Jisung retorts.

Felix falls into a fit of giggles, “Right ?”

“He always eats everything and I only have the worst parts !” Jisung whines again, making Felix giggle even more.

“Next time I’ll save you the nice slices.”

“I’ll hold you to that !” Jisung points a finger at him.

“You can count on me.” Felix says with a smile. “Night, Sungie.”

“Good night, Lix.” Jisung answers before turning the light off.

Felix falls asleep with a smile still present on his face and he thinks that maybe, staying in for the night might not be all that bad.

_________________________

It’s Minnie that suggests it. They are all getting ready to go out to celebrate New Year’s Eve, pregaming in the living room with music blasting from Jisung’s tiny speakers.

Minnie is in the bathroom applying some makeup with Felix sitting next to her on the counter, chatting idly. Minnie’s gaze drops on Felix’s face and a glint appears in her eyes.

“Can I do your makeup ?” she asks with a smirk.

Felix, already buzzed and a little high, doesn’t see why not. “Sure.” he shrugs.

So Minnie shifts to stand between Felix’s legs and starts her work. Felix follows her instructions the best that he can, keeping his eyes closed when needed and tilting his head just right. The feeling of the makeup being applied on his skin makes him feel giddy, if not a little bit silly.

But this is worth it when he hears Minnie’s gasp once she’s done. “You look so fucking good !” she exclaims.

Felix drops on his feet and turns around to face the mirror and okay, he does look good. He admires his face in the mirror, not daring to touch to not ruin Minnie’s work but damn. He loves the glitter under his eyes and the eyeliner and the glossy hues on his lips.

“Do you like it ?” he hears Minnie ask behind him.

Felix’s face breaks into a smile, “I love it !”

Minnies takes his hand and drags him to the room Hyunjin and Seungmin share, stopping in front of a duffle bag on one of the beds. She rummages through it for a few seconds before taking out a few clothes from it.

“Put these on.” she demands more than says while presenting the clothes to Felix.

“Are you sure ? I’ve never tried this sort of thing before…” Felix feels himself blushing.

“Please ?” Minnie strikes him with her best puppy eyes. “If you don’t like it you can change after.”

So here Felix is, standing in front of the full length mirror at the back of the bedroom door, wearing a crop top and a skirt. And the thing is, he doesn’t hate it. Quite the contrary. He studies his form, his apparent abs, the skirt cutting at his waist, giving the impression his legs go on for days. He looks like a doll and he’s pretty sure he likes it.

“How do you look better than me with my clothes on ?” Minnie pouts from behind him.

Felix only gives her a shy smile as a response. “Do you like it ?” she asks in a small voice.

Felix looks at his reflection for a few more seconds before turning around towards Minnie with a bright smile, “I really like it !”

Minnie squeals in joy and drags him to the living room, “We’ve got to show the guys !”

When they stumble into the room where Felix’s flatmates are drinking around the coffee table, all hell breaks loose. Jisung springs to his feet and jumps excitedly around Felix with a string of ‘Oh my god, oh my god’ coming out of him, making Felix giggle like a schoolgirl.

“We were wondering what was taking you so long but we have the answer.” Hyunjin smirks as he extends his arm for Minnie to crawl under.

“Do you like it ?” Felix asks, a little self conscious.

“You look great.” Seungmin says simply, taking a sip of his drink.

“You look so hot !” Jisung nearly yells thanks to his already tipsy state. “You’re totally getting it tonight !”

“Yeah, that’s the plan.” Felix smirks.

“Well now that everyone’s ready, we can get going !” Hyunjin finishes his drink in one go and heads to the front door to put his shoes on, Seungmin and Minnie on his tow.

“Let’s party !” Jisung yells again and Felix can’t stop himself from smiling.

The club is crowded as expected and Felix is having the time of his life. Hyunjin and Minnie are dancing together as if they want to have the least space between them as possible and frankly, good for them, Felix is not one to judge. Jisung is completely trashed by now and clinging to Seungmin in a way that might look like flirting if you don’t know better. And Felix just dances like he knows he does best.

The skirt is flowing around his thighs and he couldn’t give less a fuck about the looks he gets. Whether they are good or bad, he doesn’t care.

The familiar feeling of hands pressing on his hips comes sooner than later and when he turns around to see has decided to approach him, Felix is awestruck. The hands on his hips are linked to muscly arms covered in tattoos, the most enticing neck Felix has ever seen and the cherry on top are two full lips adorned by snake bites piercings.

“Hey, I’m Chan.” the guy smirks.

Fuck, even his voice his hot. Felix has to have him by the end of the night.

He puts his best flirty smile on before responding “I’m Felix.”

Chan’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “Fuck, your voice is really deep ! I thought you were a chick.”

Felix barks out a laugh, “How should I take it ?”

“You can take it however you want, baby.” Chan’s smirk is back.

Felix decides to take it well. And it’s certainly not the only thing he takes well that night. When they make it to Chan’s apartment, Felix learns that you can get fucked way more easily in a skirt than in pants. He also discovers how high his pitch can go when he’s fucked really well and Chan seems to love it.

He definitely can never give this skirt back to Minnie even if he manages to wash the mess he made on it.

Turns out that Chan is also Australian. Felix learns that when the other is making him breakfast after their second round when they both woke up butt naked tangled up in Chan’s sheets.

It’s the first time Felix stays after a hookup since Minho and then it was more because of the massive hangover pounding in his head. The only thing pounding into him that morning is Chan’s cock and the feeling is way nicer.

And now Chan, the hottest man alive, is making him breakfast while talking excitedly about their shared childhood in Australia. Felix must be dreaming.

_________________________

Chan is like a breath of fresh air after being underwater for too long. He reminds Felix of the burning sun he grew up with and the salty air of the beach his family used to go to every weekend.

When they spend time together, Felix feels like his old self again, the one still living in Sydney who spent all his evenings on his computer and his afternoons with Changbin. God, he misses Changbin.

The difference between the old Felix and the new one is that the new one would do anything to feel good, if only for a tiny moment. And these days, he feels the best when Chan is with him.

Felix learns quickly that when Chan is pleased, he is also pleased. At first, when Felix didn’t want to eat too much, Chan frowned and told him this wouldn’t do. So, Felix eats all his plate when he’s with Chan and he’s rewarded with some good sex.

Chan’s touch is different from the ones before, almost reverent in the way he maps Felix’s body. He always makes Felix feel like he is the most precious thing in the world, like he is valued, loved.

But sometimes when he sees that his abs are disappearing and his legs are getting just a tad bit bigger, he is sent spiraling. He could not lose his fit ! So he takes a heavy dose and skips three meals in a row. But it’s okay because Chan doesn’t know.

All in all, he feels so much better now. He even started baking again. The first time he bakes for Chan, they are in Felix’s apartment with Jisung. He just put down a plate of cookies on the coffee table when it is already jumped on by Chan and Jisung.

“Wait ! You’re gonna get burned !” Felix giggles.

Jisung doesn’t care and devours his cookie with moans coming out of him every few seconds. “They are amazing Lix !” he manages to say in between mouthfuls.

“Yeah, Lixie is just the perfect wifey, isn’t he ?” Chan smiles while also munching on a cookie.

Jisung stops eating for a second and frowns. “Wifey ?” he asks.

“Yes, Lix is the perfect wife material.” Chan says as he keeps eating.

Jisung sends Felix a look that says ‘What the fuck ?’ but Felix says nothing. If Chan is pleased, then he is pleased too.

_________________________

Chan and him have been seeing each other almost every day for weeks now and Felix thinks it’s safe to say that they are together.

The thought makes him giddy all over. Felix hasn’t had a boyfriend for so long, no one since Jeongin. But he doesn’t want to think about him, he much prefers to think about his current boyfriend. The one that is still very much present in his life.

Chan is such a sweetheart, taking him to cute dates and making sweet love to him. And all of this is good, great even. But sometimes Felix misses the wild rides he used to have during his nights out.

After a few months, he finds a trick to trigger Chan in the best way. So, when he’s in the mood, he puts his plan in execution, a kind of roleplay if you will. At least to him it’s a roleplay, he guesses Chan thinks the same.

He slips into Chan’s apartment when the other is away, he puts a cute pink little apron Chan gifted him, ties his hair into pigtails and starts baking. When Chan comes back, he greets him with a little voice, a tiny bit pitched higher and Chan can never resist him. He usually takes him right then and there, in the kitchen with the apron still on.

At other times, he tries to take Chan clubbing with him since he doesn’t go as often, he misses the feeling of losing himself surrounded with the heat of other bodies and the bass pounding in his head. But Chan doesn’t want him to take pills. What’s the point of going clubbing if he can’t get high ?

He understands Chan only wants what’s best for him, knows the pills are not especially good for him but they make him feel so nice. He doesn’t try to argue though. Chan prefers when Felix is nice and sweet.

_________________________

Felix only understands how deep into the addiction he is when he has to spend three days without taking anything.

He finished his stash earlier that week and when he tried to contact his usual guy to get some more, the guy is in fucking vacation to god knows where and would not be able to provide him in what he needs. Since when does dealers go on fucking vacation for god’s sake ?

At first it’s cool, he can wait. He is slightly nervous about the thought of not having anything at all on him or at his place but he can make do. The first day is good, he has gone a full day without taking anything.

The second day he starts to feel jittery again. But way more intensely than before. He is snappy and emotional, yelling at Jisung for a minor disagreement and when he realizes what he’s done, he apologizes a few hundred times to Jisung while crying his eyes out.

He starts swearing that night. A lot. By the third day, he is sweating buckets, shivering at all times and his stomach starts churning, his bowels constricting painfully.

His flatmates are concerned, asking if he ate anything bad or if he caught a virus. He can’t tell them the truth though. He is so embarrassed. He knows his friends are not really happy with his habits and he is afraid he will only get a concert of ‘I told you so’ if he tells them.

The night of the third day, he can finally get his hands on what he needs. The relief is instantaneous. This is the exact moment Felix realizes how this is becoming a problem.

_________________________

He doesn’t really know when, but Chan had started to talk about him in the feminine. He knew about the ‘wifey’ stuff as Chan has a tendency to let the word slip from time to time when they’re having sex. But Felix thinks it’s just a sort of kink of the other.

What he didn’t know about was that Chan was talking about him to his friends with she/her pronouns. The night he is meant to meet said friends for the first time, Chan insists he wears a skirt and the most feminine makeup he can. Felix obliges, because when Chan is pleased, he is pleased too.

He can’t help the nagging feeling at the back of his mind all throughout the way to the bar. He is actually strung when Chan introduces him as his girlfriend. Felix just laughs nervously, clears the fact that his name is Felix and doesn’t say much of the night.

He should say something. He thinks about it all night and the feeling is still present when they get back to Chan’s apartment. He really should say something.

But when they enter the place, he doesn’t have time to open his mouth that Chan is on him, kissing him all over and praising him, saying how good he was tonight. He then proceeds to ravish Felix like he hadn’t been in a long time and it feels euphoric.

Later, when Chan is asleep, Felix lays in bed with his eyes wide open. Is this something he can accept ? He has to say something when Chan wakes up.

_________________________

He doesn’t say anything per se, but he tries to stand his ground. He doesn’t do his roleplay setups anymore, doesn’t pitch his voice higher during sex, doesn’t wear skirts.

He doesn’t think that much will change, he and Chan had been going for almost seven months at this point. And it’s true that nothing much changes at first. The changes are subtle, almost imperceptible, but Felix notices.

He notices how Chan’s touches are becoming more and more sparse. He notices how he fuck him most of the time from behind, as if to not see his face. He notices how the nicknames are now rare and almost always said during the intensity of an orgasm.

And as the more time passes, the more dire the situation is. Felix tries to confront Chan but all conversations are dismissed or go nowhere. But he tries, he really tries to make it work. Chan has been a rock for him in the past few months, their relationship filled with sweet memories.

Felix tries to keep a positive mind, he plans so many dates, asks Chan man questions about him and his day but nothing works. It’s like Chan is closed off.

He talks about it to his friends one night when they drink in the living room celebrating the end of exam season.

“Just dump his ass !” Jisung exclaims, exasperated. “You know I’ve liked him anyway.” he rolls his eyes.

“I mean, you tried everything, Lix. You need to confront him and if he doesn’t change, it’s not a big loss anyway.” Seungmin shrugs.

Felix pouts, “But I don’t want to leave him.”

“Felix, you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t even consider you.” Hyunjin says sternly.

Felix sighs. They are right, he should do something.

The next day, he lets himself slip into Chan’s apartment to have a conversation. He is greeted with high heels in the entryway and a bra laying on the floor several meters further. His brain makes the connection right away, he broke enough marriages to know what’s going on.

He still enters the place fully and finds Chan balls deep into some random chick on the couch.

Felix can’t do anything but laugh and laugh, bordering on the hysterical. The girl gasps when she hears him and Chan scrambles to cover himself.

“Baby.” Felix says with an overly sweet voice. “Care to explain ?”

“Felix…” Chan starts while covering himself. “What are you doing here ?”

“Really ? That’s what you’re going to say ?” Felix’s voice rises more than he intended to.

“What do you want me to say ?” Chan responds with a frown. “It’s not like we were ever exclusive.”

Felix barks out another laugh. “Alright, I’m not going to say anything either.” he keeps laughing with a shake of his head. He glances at the girl who’s trying so hard to hide behind the couch. “Good luck with your new wifey.” he snarls before turning his heels.

He leaves the place without a second thought. Oh, karma really is a bitch sometimes.

Chapter Text

Felix can’t say that he is especially sad by his break up with Chan. After what their relationship had become in the last few weeks, he is mostly relieved.

The thing is, he doesn’t have to pretend he is another person anymore and he hadn't realized how much it weighed on him. But on the other hand, he is back to square one. Alone and bored, with that itchy feeling under his skin begging for release and the hollowness in his stomach ever so present.

He knows the nameless men he spends his summer break pursuing in the dark of the clubs could never give him what he desperately craves. He knows the drugs can never be as euphoric as when he first took them. But he does both anyway because he simply doesn’t know what else to do.

Hyunjin and Seungmin are gone to their families and Felix is happy for them, he really is, but he can’t help the jealousy lingering deep in his core. He just wishes he could spend his summer with his sisters and Changbin.

His parents did ask him a few times to come back during his breaks and offered to pay for the flights but he just couldn't. He knows his mom would fret over his weight and Changbin would lecture him about his pill consumption. He knows they would do it out of concern, out of love for him, but he just couldn’t. They wouldn’t understand.

So he spends his time how he usually did before Chan, except now he stays away from taken men. They are not his fight anymore.

Jisung tries to stay with as much as he can and Felix must say he really liked it. They would spend their days either watching anime cuddled up on the couch or Jisung would beg Felix to bake him something and he would sit on the counter next to where Felix is working and tell him about everything and anything. Some days, they would go to a cafe Jisung had seen on Instagram and desperately wanted to try or they just walked aimlessly in the city to pass the time and enjoy the sun.

When Felix asks him why Jisung always wanted him to go with, Jisung pouts. “I just want to spend time with you. Do you not like me ?”

“Of course I like you dummy.” Felix shakes his head with a chuckle.

“Then go with me !” Jisung smiles, all gummy with his eyes scrunched.

And Felix can’t bear the thought of disappointing his friend so he obliges. The truth is, he really likes his days with Jisung. They tend to make the itch duller and his head quieter. They also make his heart a little bit fuller.

But at night, he goes out alone. It’s just him on the dancefloor, just him in the hotel beds and just him on his walks back home.

__________________________

The new semester starts with the return of Hyunjin and Seungmin in the apartment. Soon enough, the chaos of living with three men instead of one is back and Felix is happy.

The evenings they spend drinking a tad too much, leading to dancing and singing like madmens in the living room make Felix feel whole. He doesn’t even need his dose when he is with his flatmates.

But the new semester also comes with way harder classes than Felix had anticipated. When he is in his lectures, trying to get what is said, he feels at best helpless and at worst like the stupidest person on earth.

“Maybe if you had a normal sleep schedule and didn’t go out to black out every other night, you’d be in better conditions to understand your classes.” Seungmin shrugs when Felix was whining about one of his new teachers during dinner.

Felix just hums with a frown, toying with his chopsticks. A few beats of silence passes, the atmosphere around the table heavy.

“Lix, I’m sorry it came out like that.” Seungmin says with a small voice.

Felix looks up at Seungmin who is chewing on his bottom lip nervously. “No, it’s okay. You’re right.” Felix sighs before standing up, abandoning his barely touched plate. He’s not hungry anyway. “I’m nothing but a drug addict that is incapable of following a lecture.” he says as he rounds the table.

“Felix, I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean it like that !” he hears Seungmin say behind him. He doesn’t stop though and closes his bedroom door behind him.

When he’s alone in his room, the tears start to drop. He knows he is being unfair to his friend but, shit, does the words hurt. They hurt even more when he knows they are full of truth.

He knows his addiction is unhealthy but Seungmin didn’t have to shove it down his throat like that. Is that really how his friends see him ? Some junkie just yearning for his next fix ?

Isn’t it who he became ?

Later that night, Jisung enters the room carefully and slips into Felix’s bed, cuddling close to him and burying his face in Felix’s hair.

“Please pardon him.” Jisung whispers. “We are just all concerned about you and want only the best for you.” he says, his voice wet with unshed tears.

“I’m sorry for flipping at him.” Felix sobs.

“Shhh, it’s okay, he’s not mad.” Jisung tries to reassure him. “You should talk to him, when you’re ready. Give him a chance to understand you.”

“None of you even know why I came to Korea in the first place.” Felix says between sobs.

Behind him, Jisung lets out a long exhale. “When you’re ready you can tell us.” he starts stroking a thumb against Felix’s stomach.

Felix doesn’t answer. He lets himself be lulled by Jisung breaths and the comforting weight of his arms around him. He doesn’t deserve Jisung.

__________________________

Felix is panting, reaching for his water bottle to quench his thirst when unlocks his phone and freezes. The end of his afternoon dance class is the last moment he thought he would get a text from him.

But even after staring at his phone for what feels like hours, it’s still there, written in black and white. Jeongin. Felix finally clicks on the text box to show the whole message and it’s just a few lines.

‘I’m in Seoul for a few days, wanna have a drink ?’

“What the fuck ?” Felix mumbles to himself.

Why ? Why now ? What does he want ? What is happening ?

Felix turns and turns these questions in his head for hours, incapable of thinking of something else. At first, he wants to just ignore the message altogether. Jeongin doesn’t deserve anything from him. But as more time passes, Felix realizes that he would bear the weight of uncertainty his whole life is he doesn’t accept the offer.

And maybe it’s what he needs to finally get closure. To understand what happened three years ago.

So, in the middle of the night, laying flat in his bed, he texts back.

They agreed to meet at a cafe in the late afternoon the next day, after Felix’s classes. Felix is jittery on his seat, his foot tapping nervously on the floor while he is waiting for Jeongin to arrive, the same questions turning over and over in his head.

What is he going to say ? Why now, all of a sudden ? Is he going to apologize ? Does he want to reconnect ? Will Felix let him back in his life ? What does he look like now ? Will they recognize each other ?

The bell of the front door chimes when someone enters the cafe and Felix loses his breath. Jeongin is here, well and truly in front of him. He looks so grown up now, his figure broader and the braces he used to have gone. But Felix could never forget those eyes.

They just stare at each other for a few seconds before Jeongin lets out a big exhale. “Hey, Felix.” he says with a small smile before sitting on the opposite side of the small table.

“Hey…” Felix says with a hoarse voice. He clears his throat in search of something to say but Jeongin beats him to it.

“I know it’s sudden and I’m very thankful that you accepted to meet me today.” Jeongin starts. “I understand if you hate me but I wanted to have a chance to explain myself.”

Felix takes a deep breath. So, this is what it is about. Closure.

When he looks back up at Jeongin, the other is looking at him with so much fondness mixed with pain that it breaks something in Felix’s heart.

“Okay.” he says. “I’ll try to hear you out.”

At that moment, the waitress comes with the two iced coffees he ordered and Jeongin insists on paying, so Felix lets him.

When she’s gone, Jeongin reaches for Felix’s hands on the table and holds them tightly. “Thank you Felix, really. It means so much to me.”

“Just, why Jeongin ?” Felix asks with a shaky voice. “Why did you leave me like that ? Why do you want to explain now ?”

Jeongin takes his hands back to take a sip of his drink. “I’ve been thinking about talking to you for quite a long time now.” he says after swallowing. “I’m leaving for my military service in a few weeks and I thought now was the moment because I don’t know if you’ll still be in Korea once I come back.”

Felix sits back against his chair. “I see.” he sips on his coffee. “But why the fuck did you leave me like that ? I was waiting for so long in that fucking airport. I was scared and alone and I was waiting for you to fucking show up !”

Jeongin winces at how loud Felix had started to speak but he couldn’t care less at the moment. “I’m sorry.” Jeongin says, keeping his head low.

“Yeah, you should be.” Felix scowls as he takes a sip.

“I’m really sorry.” Jeongin repeats. “But my parents… They’re not the most accepting. They threatened to kick me out when I told them I was coming back with a boyfriend.”

Felix looks at Jeongin, stunned. “Fuck.”

“Yeah… I tried to negotiate but they wouldn’t listen.” Jeongin continues. “I tried but I knew that was a lost fight from the beginning. I didn’t want to lose my house, my family.”

“I left my whole life behind me to be with you.” Felix says in a low voice.

“I know.” Jeongin looks at him with eyes filled with unshed tears. “But I was only seventeen, Felix. I was not ready to face that reality.”

Felix closes his eyes and sighs. A few beats pass before Felix opens his eyes again. “I understand,” he says. At that, Jeongin whips his head up. “But that doesn’t mean that I forgive you.” Felix continues quickly. “I understand that coming out, especially this young in a country like Korea, is difficult. But you could have talked to me, explained what was going on.” Felix shuffles in his seat to put his hands back on the table, trying to make the next message clear. “I loved you Jeongin.”

Jeongin reaches once again to take Felix’s hands. “And I loved you too.”

Felix feels like something shifts between them. They are not seventeen years old now. This era is well and truly gone now. Felix feels a weight lift off his shoulders. And when he looks back in Jeongin bright eyes, he wishes he could say that he wouldn’t do it again if given the chance.

“Now, we still have our coffee to drink and I’m not going to waste it, so, what do you do now ?” Felix asks with a small smile.

Jeongin laughs and shakes his head, but he does tell Felix about his life. He talks about his studies, his brothers back in Busan, some friends who Felix remembers their names. He asks about Felix’s family, his flatmates, he asks to see videos of Felix’s dancing, stating that it’s been so long since he’d seen it.

Felix lets himself be transported by the flow of the conversation, remembering how he fell in love with Jeongin’s smile at first. As the time passes and the light from the sun sets, their gazes start to feel heavier, their touches lingering more and more and Felix feels the tremor of horniness coiling in his guts.

So when Jeongin asks if he wants to come back to his hotel room, Felix accepts easily.

The first kiss they share that night feels like pieces of a puzzle clicking back together to Felix. Every kiss, every touch, every breath feels like coming home. Felix is vibrating from head to toe from anticipation and he is rewarded with the most euphoric feeling he got from sex in a long time.

The way Jeongin touches him is adoring and Felix is glowing under the attention. They go round after round, thrust after thrust and it seems like Jeongin is never spent.

They seem to have reached their limit a while later when Felix is on his knees on the ground, looking up expectantly at Jeongin who finishes with a groan and white ropes shooting on Felix’s face.

He hears Jeongin rummaging around and handing him a towel. Felix sits back on his heels and starts to clean as much cum as he can out of his hair and is starting to clean his face when Jeongin starts to talk.

“I’m getting married.” he says.

Felix, with Jeongin’s cum still dripping down his chin, opens his eyes and looks at the other with a dumbfounded look. “What ?” he asks as if he didn’t hear correctly.

“I’m getting married as soon as I come back from my military service.” Jeongin simply says.

Felix finishes to clean his face and stands up. “What the fuck ? With who ?”

“Her name is-” Jeongin starts.

“Her ?!” Felix yells.

“Yeah, her name-”

“I don’t want to fucking know !” Felix cuts Jeongin a second time. “What the fuck was all of this if you’re engaged ? To a girl ?!” Felix keeps yelling.

“I wanted to be with you one last time.” Jeongin admits with a small voice.

Felix doesn’t waste time and slaps him across the face. Jeongin looks at him, stunned. “Go fuck yourself !” Felix screams while putting back his clothes. “I can’t believe you ! Seriously, fuck you !” He finally has all of his belongings on him and is heading towards the door of the room. He turns and looks at Jeongin one last time. “Don’t ever contact me again. You’re dead to me.”

He slams the door and hurries out. He walks on the streets without even knowing where he is and where he is going but he doesn’t care. He wants to put as much distance as he can between himself and that godforsaken hotel.

The tears come at one point but he doesn’t really know when. He finds himself in front of his dealer who looks at him with concern but doesn’t ask questions. Why would he when Felix is buying the double amount of his normal stash.

He pops three or four pills as soon as he has them in hand. He didn’t count how much he took exactly and he will not. He keeps walking and walking around for hours, tears streaming down his cheeks.

He finds an open store and decides to buy the most expensive champagne bottle he can find. When he steps out of the store, he finds himself in a children’s playground he doesn’t know how. He sits on a swing and rests his head on the chain next to his head for a few minutes.

Then, he pops open the bottle and rises it high above him. “Toast to the bride !” he says before taking a swig. The alcohol tastes like bubbles and tears.

When he is around halfway through the bottle, he takes two other pills. He needs to have something that gives him a little bit of happiness tonight.

After what feels like bothe minutes and hours at the same time, he stands up and decides to go home. His steps are wobbly, his head is pounding but he keeps walking.

He finally arrives at his building but he feels like he’s going to pass out. He can’t pass out here, he has to make it to his bed. He walks as well as he can along the hallway that leads him to the elevator. He finishes the bottle while waiting for the metal box to drive him up. He can see the front door to his apartment, he made it.

Except he never makes it.

A few steps away from the door, his legs give up and he smashes on the ground. His head is spinning, his heart is aching and he can’t get up. He feels so, so tired and the carpet is actually quite comfy. He is not in his bed but he wouldn’t mind falling asleep here.

He barely registers the sound of a door opening and footsteps around him. Someone is talking but he doesn’t understand a word. They probably aren’t talking to him anyway.

More footsteps, some shuffling around him and he groans when he feels someone hiking him up.

“Seungmin, he can’t stand, help me !” he hears loudly in his ear.

Another person is grabbing him, dragging him somewhere. He hears a door close behind him and his stomach churns violently.

“I’m gonna throw up.” he slurs.

“What did you say ?” a voice asks.

But before he can answer, his stomach empties itself on the floor in front of him.

“Shit !”

“I’ll go get a rag, bring him to the bathroom !”

“It’s okay, we’re almost there…”

He feels himself being put down on a cold floor. He opens his eyes just enough to locate the toilet before reaching for it and throwing up once more.

“Fuck, I’ve never seen him like this before.”

“Did he take something else than usual?”

“I don’t know, I’ve only seen the bottle in the hallway.”

“Guys, there’s cum in his hair, maybe he was assaul-”

Before Felix could hear the end of the sentence, everything turns black.

__________________________

Consciousness came with pain, the worst headache Felix has ever felt and violent stomachs churns. Felix groans when he tries to sit up but his muscles protest at every movement.

He accepts his fate and stays lying in his bed. He looks around to make sure he was truly in his bed and not in some random place and sighs in relief when he finds that he is, in fact, in his bed. He was changed into a new set of clothes and the dampness of his pillow shows that he was also washed from head to toe.

He groans again when his guts decide to all contract at the same time, making him question if he was going to throw up all over himself. His groans must have been heard because the bedroom’s door opens quietly to let Jisung in.

Jisung crumbles on the floor next to his bed and takes Felix’s hand. “Thank god, you’re awake.”

Felix’s tongue feels like lead but he still manages to talk, “Can you bring me some painkillers ?” he says in a hoarse voice.

“Of course.” Jisung stands and leaves for a few minutes before coming back with Hyunjin and Seungmin in tow, all of them looking at Felix with concern written all over their faces.

Hyunjin helps him sit up against the headboard -not without a few pained groans from Felix- and Jisung helps him take the painkillers and drink the glass of water. The water instantly relieved a little bit of the pain in his head and muscles but he still feels like absolute shit.

His three flatmates all sit on Jisung’s bed, looking at him like he might collapse any second.

“How are you feeling ?” Seungmin asks.

“Like I’ve been hit by a bus and then run over by a truck.” Felix chuckles humorlessly.

“Do you remember what happened last night ?” Jisung asks.

Felix pauses, trying to assemble all of the events. “I don’t remember much after I left the park.”

“Did something happen there ? Do we need to call the police ?” Hyunjin jumps in.

“No ?” Felix frowns. “Why would we need to call the police ?”

“Lix,” Jisung says with a serious voice, “we found you last night barely conscious in the hallway. You couldn’t walk, you didn’t talk and we found dried cum in your hair and on your neck. We thought that maybe you were drugged and assaulted.”

“Well, I was drugged, but by no one else but me.” Felix answers.

“How much did you take ?” Seungmin asks.

“I don’t know. Too much. I don’t remember.” Felix feels his cheeks flush in embarrassment.

“Fuck, Lix, was this an overdose ?” Hyunjin asks as he kneels next to Felix and puts his hand on Felix’s forehead as if to check his temperature.

“No, I don’t think so.” Felix answers with a small voice. Hyunjin retracts his hand with a pinch of his lips.

“What happened last night, Lix ?” Jisung asks, voice shaky.

Felix sighs and looks out through the window next to his bed. “It’s a long story. I don’t think I can explain everything to you right now.” he’s sure that if he had any water left in his body he would have started crying.

A sniff coming from his left makes him look back at Jisung who was crying with Seungmin stroking his back reassuringly. All three of them looked concerned and sad and Felix couldn’t bear the thought of being the reason for their turmoil.

“I’m sorry you had to witness this. I’m sorry you had to wash me and take care of me while I was passed out. I’m sorry. I don’t deserve you.” he is surprised his body decides he has enough water to start crying.

“Don’t say that.” Hyunjin is on him in an instant, hugging him.

Jisung and Seungmin both stand up from Jisung’s bed to come next to them and hug him and Hyunjin.

“You deserve everything, Felix.” Seungmin whispers from where he is hugging him.

More tears spill out of his eyes against his will. “I want to quit.” he manages to blurt in between tears. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while now, but…” he sniffs, “it’s just so hard. I feel so empty without it.”

“We’ll help you as much as we can.” Hyunjin murmurs. “It’s going to be hard and there will very probably have bumps on the road but we will not let you down.”

“Thank you.” Felix sobs. “Thank you so much.”

For the first time in a long time, Felix doesn’t feel alone.

Chapter Text

It takes a few days for Felix to be able to go back to class. Throughout his days holed up in his bed, he was never left alone once, his flatmates taking turns staying in when the others had to go somewhere. Even Minnie came to keep him company a few times.

Although he knows it is for the best, Felix still feels bad. He tries to voice his concerns once to Jisung, saying they don’t have to skip their classes to tend to him but he is dismissed right away.

“You know none of us would feel serene if we left you alone here.” Jisung says with a small smile.

Soon enough, Felix can’t tell if the aches around his body are from the huge hangover or withdrawal symptoms. The more time passes and the more the latter option is the most prevalent.

He is beyond exhausted the day he goes back to his classes. His limbs are shaky and sore and all he can think about is going home to his stash he knows is still half full.

He decides to skip his afternoon dance classes and go home as soon as he can. His whole body is screaming at him to lay down but his mind is loud, won’t shut up about the pills in his drawer.

When he collapses on his bed and reaches for his desk drawer. He looks at his stash for a few, long minutes, trying to shut his mind up but the pull is too strong. He takes two pills and swallows them dry. Almost instantly, his brain shuts up and his muscles relax. He knows all of this is more psychological than a real need but he can’t say that he finally feels good for the first time in days.

He stays, floating in his bed, savoring the silence around and inside him. He only realizes the gravity of what he’s done when he hears the front door open. His eyes start to water as the footsteps get closer to his door.

“Lix ? Are you there ?” Seungmin's voice rings in the hallway.

Felix can’t move, too afraid of his friend’s reaction. His bedroom’s door slowly opens to let Seungmin head pop inside. He doesn’t have to say anything, he can see from where he stands the state Felix is in. He doesn’t say anything, he just steps closer and sits next to Felix on his bed. He raises his hand to start stroking Felix hair carefully.

“Sorry.” Felix whispers.

“It’s okay, Lix.” Seungmin responds with a low voice. “I’ve done research and I’ve seen that relapsing is a part of the process. It’s not your fault.”

“I don’t know if I can do it.” Felix says after a few seconds of silence only broken by the soft sound of Seungmin’s hand in his hair.

“Of course you can.” Seungmin says right away. “I believe in you.” he starts lightly scratching Felix’s scalp, making the other close his eyes and sigh. “But maybe you need more help. I can help you find a good therapist for you.”

Felix lets the words float for a few seconds, thinking. He lifts his head slightly, catching Seungmin’s gaze. “Help me, please.”

_________________________

His first appointment with his therapist comes two days later. Felix is nervous as hell, scared of what she might have to say, scared of being judged. He is quickly reassured by the lady’s soft voice and kind smile.

She makes him talk about his habits with the drugs, his symptoms and feelings. She makes him talk about his family, his childhood and Jeongin. They have barely started to talk about Minho when their time is up.

They agree to meet every two days to follow Felix’s quitting. He doesn’t know if it will be really useful but he guesses that it can't hurt.

That night, all of his flatmates and Minnie are gathered in their living room to watch a drama that just started airing and Jisung and Minnie had begged to watch. They had ordered pizza and everyone was munching idly, engrossed in the characters on the screen.

Felix stares at the oily pizzas on the coffee table. He was craving anything to fill the hole in his stomach at this point, but the grease of fast food makes him nauseous. His stomach starts rumbling against his will and Hyunjin hands him a slice with a soft chuckle.

Felix takes the slice and eats it before thinking too much. The food did help with the hollowness inside him and he started wondering if what he felt was just hunger all along. So he eats, slice after slice until he feels like he can’t eat anything anymore. He falls asleep faster than he had in the past few weeks, his hunger satiated.

The perk of eating his weight in pizza is the guilt that comes the next day. Sure, Felix wants to get better but he doesn’t want to lose his form. What good will eating too much do to him anyway ?

_________________________

On Saturday night, Felix’s physical symptoms are mostly gone. It’s been five days since the last time he took pills. The ache in his limbs is no longer here and the deep craving of the drug is dull, almost like a passing thought at the back of his head.

The problem lingers on the fact that Felix hasn’t gone out for a long time. He is jittery all day, the will to change his mind ever so present.

But Jisung insists on going on a hike to Namsan tower to watch the sunset all together. So, a hike to Namsan tower they do. They leave in the late afternoon, Hyunjin, Seungmin, Jisung and him, beginning their ascension.

Hyunjin and Felix are whining all the way up, complaining about their feet, their legs and their backs but Jisung acts like he can’t hear them and Seungmin only turns to them to snicker at their demise. At last, they arrive at the top and Hyunjin slumps on the grass below him.

Jisung and Seungmin sit next to him, also slightly panting but with a satisfied smile on their lips. Felix sits next to Hyunjin and watches in front of them Seoul glowing with the orange light of the setting sun behind the mountains.

As they stay there, silently enjoying the last rays of warm sunshine on their skins and contemplating the beauty of nature, Felix feels overwhelmed with his feelings. This is the kind of moment that reminds him that life is just starting for him, barely twenty-one, and that not everything is all over.

A few tears spill out of his eyes and Hyunjin wraps an arm around him and drops his head on Felix’s shoulder. At this moment, Felix decides that it’s time to talk. Talk about everything that happened, talk about the shitshow that had become his life.

So he talks. He talks and talks, letting everything out. And his friends listen without interrupting. The sky becomes darker above them but Felix feels lighter the more he talks, the burden of keeping everything to himself for so long not gone but clearly lessened.

He doesn’t know for how long he uncovers his heart but when he finally stops he takes a long breath, and lets himself fall back on the grass, gazing at the star high above.

Silence surrounds them for a few seconds before Seungmin lets out a long sigh. “Damn, Felix. How can so much bad luck happen to one person ?” he says.

“You must have been a terrible person in your past life for your karma to be that bad, Lixie.” Hyunjin deadpans. Felix bursts out laughing, his flatmates in tow.

“Ah, shit, Lix.” Jisung shakes his head. “I’m so sorry all of this happened to you.”

“Well, at least it can’t get any worse.” Felix shrugs.

Hyunjin puts a hand on Felix’s shoulder. “We won't let it happen.” he says solemnly.

“I know.” Felix smiles.

_________________________

Felix is shivering, wandering back and forth in front of a building he knows a little too well. November’s cold breeze is catching up to him, raising goosebumps all over his body.

It had been two weeks since his third and last relapse. Jisung had made a point of throwing the last pills Felix owned down the toilet and watching him delete his dealer’s number. And now, Felix is down his dealer’s building, debating whether he should enter or not.

He knows he shouldn’t. Nothing good will come out of this if he decides to follow through with his craving. He isn’t even sure it’s this he’s craving right now.

After pacing back and forth for ten minutes straight, he sits on the steps in front of the building with a frustrated sigh. He closes his eyes and buries his face in his hands. He takes a few deep breaths like his therapist taught him.

In, out. In, out.

His heart rate slows with his breaths and the anxiety leaves little by little. His mind clears a little, making him able to think without doing anything stupid. He keeps breathing and remembers the questions he was told to ask himself when he feels like he might fall back.

How does he feel ? Empty. He needs something to feel better. Why does he feel empty ? He is hungry. He hasn’t eaten a full meal in three days. What can he do to stop feeling that way ? Well, eat.

But he doesn’t want to. The guilt he feels each time he lets himself succumb to his wants isn’t worth it. As if he wanted to protest, his stomach rumbles loudly. Felix takes another deep breath to ground himself and snaps his head up right away.

The most enticing smell has made its way to him and makes his stomach rumbling once again. Without thinking further, Felix gets up and looks around in all directions, trying to pinpoint the origin of that smell. His feet lead him a few buildings further to a shop so small you could miss it if you were not looking for it.

He tries to read the name of the restaurant but he can’t read it, the letters unknown to him. What he does know is that this is Indian. He looks inside the tiny shop and cannot see anyone except an old lady working in the kitchen. He pushes the door open and a waft of that heavenly smell surrounds him from all sides.

The lady lifts her head at the sound of the door and hurries to welcome him with a bright smile. “Hello, young man ! Do you want to eat ?” she says with a heavy accent.

“Uh, I’ve never tried Indian food before, so…” Felix feels his cheeks blush.

“Oh !” the lady exclaims. “Sit, sit !” she ushers him to sit at one of the tables before disappearing in the kitchen.

Felix sits and looks around while waiting for the lady to come back. He doesn’t have to wait for long though as she is already reentering the room with a full plate in her hands. She puts it down on the table in front of Felix and smiles brightly again before retreating in the kitchen.

Felix takes utensils in his hand and looks over at the dish in front of him. There is rice, meat and a sauce that covers everything and it smells like heaven on earth. His stomach makes an embarrassingly loud noise and Felix is happy to be the only one in the tiny restaurant.

He takes his first bite and he believes this is what bliss is. He thinks he could go high up to the stars only with this first bite. The rest of the dish goes in a flash, Felix only stopping enough time to chew and not accidentally asphyxiate himself, even though right now, he thinks he could die happy if he choked too hard on this food.

And it might seem weird for certain but it’s at this exact moment that something clicks in him. It is in this tiny joint, lost in Seoul where he eats the most amazing food that he realizes that he can feel good without destroying himself. Because he is determined to not let his brain guilt him for eating something this delicious.

When the lady comes to check on him, she is ecstatic to see he ravished his plate and he cannot stop complimenting her. He leaves the little joint with a light spirit and he almost skips back to his apartment.

_________________________

They were all littered around the living room after their end-of-semester celebration, a mountain of empty bottles on the coffee table and their eyes heavy with the dizziness of alcohol and sleep that Jisung asked Felix to talk about his childhood in Australia.

“What do you want to know ?” Felix chuckled.

“Everything. I want to know how tiny Felix lived.” Jisung says with a slight slur from where he is cuddled under Seungmin’s arm.

So Felix talked about his elementary school, his sisters, Changbin, the scorching hot summer and the endless beaches. The conversation was interrupted regularly by Hyunjin who asked about spiders and snakes and Seungmin who was way too invested in barbecues for some reason.

“One day I’ll bring you to a barbecue if you want !” Felix laughed.

“Are you inviting us to Australia ?” Jisung gasps.

“Sure, if you want to.” Felix smiles.

And that is how, one year later, they spent their evening after their last exams for the semester not partying but finishing up their suitcases. Felix’s parents are elated that Felix is coming back for the first time since he left and his flatmates are over excited for the trip.

When they make it to the airport, Felix lets his gaze wander and find the spot he was in, more than four years ago when he was waiting for Jeongin. He feels a pinch in his heart seeing this bench still here. But he is soon distracted by Hyunjin who is talking to him and he forgets about it.

The sun is boiling in Sydney and Felix knows for sure that the four of them are going to get sick the second they step foot back in Seoul’s cold winter in January. Felix’s whole family is here to welcome them and Felix is quickly crushed with hugs. He wouldn’t want it any other way.

That first night, as per Felix request, his dad makes a huge barbecue and Seungmin ravishes every piece of meat in a meter radius from him.

The next day they meet Changbin who was so broad now that Felix could hardly circle his arms around him for a hug. They explore every corner of the city over the next week, giving anecdotes from their childhood and some more recent ones from Changbin’s years in college.

His skin is tanned and his freckles are popping out from his cheeks like stars in the sky. When he inspects them one night his first thought is that he looks like his younger self. But after a few seconds of reflection, he decides that no, he is not his younger self. He may look like him but he is not. And Felix likes this twenty-two years old version of himself.

The day they finally, finally decide to go to the beach is the best day for Felix. Spending the afternoon swimming and running around in the sand with all of his best friends is more than everything he could have wished for.

And when he goes to their towels to drink some water and he looks back at Seungmin and Jisung shoving each other in the water and Changbin fake drowning Hyunjin, then yeah. He can say he is happy.