Archive of Our Own ^beta

Liam Payne doesn’t know how he got here. 

Sitting in a motel in the middle of nowhere on a lumpy bed with an atrociously ugly blanket, his knee bounces relentlessly as he stares at the window across the room and bites his thumbnail in anxious anticipation. Of what, he’s not entirely certain. But there’s dread in his stomach and need in his hands, an urge to run in his feet, and a whisper to hide that’s been slowly morphing into a shout in his head. 

It had been a normal day, just like any other. He’d been doing a PR tour for his father’s election campaign, making appearances in marginalized communities to let them know that his father saw them, would work for them if elected. Liam had always maintained that his father would make a bigger impact by showing up himself, proving that he meant to keep his promises and was not just sending his son to give lip service. Liam’s advice had fallen on deaf ears, but then it’s not like Liam had listened to his father’s advice either. 

Liam still remembers the argument, still remembers the feelings of stubborn exasperation and eventual grudging acceptance, when his father had insisted that Liam needed a security detail while out doing his father’s bidding. He remembers arguing that he had no real power over anything, so no one would care about him, let alone try to hurt him.  But that assessment had proven to be untrue today. 

The sound of a key in the lock has Liam standing, his eyes trained on the door as he waits, breathless, for it to open. He knows who it is, who it must be. If someone had found him, he doubts they would be bothering with a key, but he still sighs with relief when the door opens to reveal his savior. 

“Zee,” He breathes, crossing the room to cling to the Secret Service agent who saved his life today.

“Hey,” Zayn Malik answers, wrapping the arm gripping his bag of purchases around Liam as he closes and locks the door with his other hand. “It’s alright. I’m here.”

“You were gone for a while,” Liam mutters into his neck and Zayn can feel how he’s shaking.

“Yeah. I’m sorry. Had to make sure I wasn’t followed back here. I tried to hurry,” Zayn assures him, tossing the bag on the bed and wrapping both arms around Liam. He holds tight, knowing how scared Liam must still be and hating that he’d had to leave him at all. “You’re alright.” 

Liam doesn’t speak, just holds Zayn close, relishing the warmth and security he always feels around Zayn. He’s grateful that Zayn lets him. He doesn’t have to. He could push Liam off of him and be all business. He probably should be, but Liam needs this, the comfort, the feeling that he’s not alone right now. He needs it like air. And he thinks Zayn probably knows it. He knows Liam so well by now. 

Honestly, Liam couldn’t have picked a better agent to watch over him. He can’t believe he’d once thought Zayn cold and unfeeling, little more than an automaton with a task. It had taken a while for them to warm up to each other, but after a year on the campaign trail, they’ve gotten to the point where Liam considers them friends. Honestly, he cares for Zayn too much, but that’s his own problem. And it matters, knowing that Zayn thinks of them as friends too, that he’s not just doing this because it’s his job. 

Zayn holds him a moment longer before speaking quietly, always so aware of when Liam needs to not be overstimulated. “Hey,” he utters, pulling away a little. “Let me check the window real quick, yeah?”

He’s already moving before the sentence is even out, peeking out the curtain to check their surroundings, carefully looking for dangers that Liam would probably never even notice. Letting the curtain drop back into place, he hurries back to Liam’s side, putting a hand on his arm to let Liam leech a little more comfort. 

His brown eyes check Liam over with concern, a melancholy in them that Liam hasn’t seen before. “You good?”

Liam tries to smile, to shrug good-naturedly and brush off the absolute gut-wrenching terror that has a firm grip on his heart. “Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”

Maybe it’s the quiver of his lip that gives him away, or the tiny break in his voice as he speaks, but apparently, he’s not fooling anyone, least of all the man who’s been his shadow for the past year. 

Zayn pulls Liam down to sit on the edge of the bed with him and gathers him in his arms again. “It’s okay to not be okay, Liam. You don’t have to keep it all in.”

Liam rests his head on Zayn’s shoulder and breathes, or tries to. He tries to tell himself that he’s fine. He’s safe now. Here. With Zayn. It doesn’t change the terror he’s already faced though. The gunshots ring out again in his head, the sounds of chaos breaking out as people scream and run. He closes his eyes but it’s still there. The panic, the life flashing before his eyes even as he’s pulled to safety. He’s gone back to that moment more than once since it happened this morning. He worries he’ll keep going back there. Maybe for years, maybe forever. He’s never felt such fear. 

Zayn’s hands are warm through Liam’s white button-up, thawing the chilled parts of Liam’s soul just by being there. And before he knows it, Liam is letting go of everything he’d been holding in. Sobs spill out of him in torrents, breaking him open, trying to rend him apart as he clutches onto the only thing–the only person–holding him in one piece. 

“I’m right here. I’ve got you,” Zayn promises in whispers against his hair. He repeats it again and again. “I’m right here. I’ve got you.” Reminding Liam over and over that he’s safe. That Zayn will always make sure of that. 

They stay like that until Liam doesn’t have anything left to cry. He’s exhausted by the time his tears have dried up, and still Zayn stays, his arms the only haven Liam knows. 

“Come on,” Zayn whispers, moving his bag off the bed and urging Liam to lie down with him. 

Liam obeys automatically, numb now, as the blankets are pulled back and he crawls in under them. When they’re finally situated, his head rests on Zayn’s shoulder as Zayn tucks the blankets in around them. 

“You’re alright, Liam,” Zayn says softly, brushing Liam’s disheveled hair from his face. “Rest for now.”

So, Liam closes his eyes. And he rests. 

~~

Liam blinks awake hours later, his breath catching in his throat as he jerks out of a nightmare. It takes him a minute to realize that he’s alone and, when he does, he sits up, eyes searching the room for any sign of Zayn. He’s on the edge of panic until he realizes that he can hear Zayn’s voice coming from the bathroom. Taking slow breaths, he wills his heart to slow down as he sits in silence, content to wait for Zayn now that he knows he hasn’t gone far.

“Look, I checked in last night as soon as I could. I had to get Liam somewhere safe and then leave him and find a secure line. I’m not doing that again.” Zayn’s voice is quiet but vehement and Liam strains to hear him. Not to eavesdrop, just to hold on to the comfort of knowing he’s near. “No, I’m on a disposable now.”

Liam’s eyes drift over to the bag that Zayn had brought back last night. It’s on the lone table in the corner of the room, plastic from the disposable cell phone Zayn’s using sitting empty next to it. The bag appears to hold 2 more phones, a couple of bottles of water, and some snacks. Liam’s stomach growls at the sight of the food. It’s been a while since he’s eaten. 

“What?! No!” Zayn’s raised voice distracts Liam from the food for the moment and he stares back at the bathroom door. “I’m not handing him off to someone else, Tomlinson. He needs someone he trusts right now and I’ve been with him all year.”

Liam’s heart clenches at the way Zayn’s conversation seems to be going. He might have to go with a different agent? Zayn’s right. He doesn’t want that. 

“I don’t give a damn about protocol. I’m not doing it. Liam was almost killed yesterday by someone from within his father’s organization. These are people he’s grown up with, thought of as family. You think handing him over to a stranger is going to help him right now?!?... Don’t you fucking tell me I’m too close to this, Louis.”

Liam stands, the anger in Zayn’s tone making him move. He walks to the bathroom door, reaching out a hand and putting it flat against the door. He wishes he were touching Zayn, maybe he could offer him some of the comfort he’s given Liam. 

“I know I’m too close,” Zayn whispers a moment later. Liam would never have heard it if he hadn’t moved closer. He also wouldn’t have heard how broken Zayn sounds. “Do you know how many times I had to remind myself yesterday that he was fine? That he was right there in front of me? That he was safe?”

You’re alright. 

I’m right here. 

I’ve got you.

Maybe those words were for himself as much as they were for Liam. Liam’s other hand reaches for the doorknob and rests there. 

 “So, yes,” Zayn continues, unaware of Liam’s presence right outside the door. “I know that I’m too close to this. But I also know that no one else will fight harder for his life than I will, Louis. So fuck protocol . He stays with me.”

Liam blinks, a tear rolling down his cheek at the emotion he hears in Zayn’s words. The love. He twists the knob and the bathroom door swings open.

Zayn turns to face him, gaze wary. He swallows, eyes trained on Liam’s. “Thank you,” he says into the phone. “I’ll check in again at eighteen hundred hours.” 

Liam watches as Zayn hangs up, the hand holding the phone dropping from his ear. 

“You’re awake,” Zayn says, acting as though he hasn’t completely changed Liam’s world. “Are you hungry?”

He moves to push past Liam out of the bathroom, probably to get at the snacks Liam had all but forgotten about, but Liam catches his wrist as he tries to walk by. 

“Wait,” he says. It’s hardly more than a whisper, nothing less than a plea. 

“Liam…” Zayn starts, as though he can explain away the conversation he’s just heard, make Liam forget Zayn’s anguished confession. “Look, I–”

“Don’t,” Liam begs softly. He doesn’t want Zayn to explain it away. Instead, he tugs Zayn’s wrist, gently pulling him in. 

And Zayn goes, letting Liam pull him back into his arms.

“Don’t take it back,” Liam murmurs, resting his forehead against Zayn’s. “Please.”

“Liam,” Zayn repeats his name and it sounds like a plea of its own, his hands moving to grip the fabric of Liam’s t-shirt in his fists. He seems so conflicted, unsure if he should push Liam away or pull him closer.  “I can’t… I’m not supposed to…”

“I know,” Liam says, coming to his senses and pulling back, giving Zayn the room to move away. Zayn’s already torn up about what’s happened and now he’s at war with his own feelings. He doesn’t need Liam pressuring him for something he’s not ready or able to give. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m– ,” Zayn cuts himself off, closing his eyes and giving himself a moment. Liam can see how difficult this is for him. He should give Zayn space. Make things a little easier. 

“You’re right. I should eat,” Liam says, moving to the table in the corner and rifling through the snacks in the bag. Powdered donuts, potato chips, and meat sticks. There are two toothbrushes and a travel-sized bottle of toothpaste hiding in the bottom of the bag. 

“You can have the purple one,” Zayn says when he notices Liam lifting the toothbrushes from the bag. “You said it was your favorite color, right?”

“You remember that?” Liam asks, brow scrunched as he thinks back to that conversation. It was nearly a year ago when Zayn had first started shadowing him. Liam barely remembers it.

Zayn shrugs, moving to check the window for anyone dangerous outside. “It’s my job to remember things.”

Right. His job. 

Liam takes a pack of donuts and a water bottle. He sits in the one chair at the table and tears open his food, stuffing a donut in his mouth. It tastes like paper, but he chews and swallows like he’s supposed to until the pack is gone. 

“I can go out and get us real food if you want. If you’d feel okay being left alone for a few minutes,” Zayn offers, sitting on the edge of the bed, fidgeting in a way that gives away his unease. Liam thinks he knows how he feels. 

“How long do we need to stay here?” Liam asks, throwing his trash away. He doesn’t want to go outside, but he’s not sure what to do with himself in this room that’s barely more than four walls and a bed. Especially now, with this strangeness permeating the room between them. 

“Until I know you’re safe,” Zayn says in barely more than a mumble, and then, more firmly, “until they catch the man that tried to shoot you.”

There’s steel in his tone and Liam glances at him to see that the look in his eyes matches it. The wall he’d been trying to build to keep his need at bay crumbles a little at that look. It’ll be harder to keep himself from reaching for Zayn if he keeps seeing these glimpses of the cracks in Zayn’s own walls. 

For a brief moment, he considers accepting Zayn’s offer to leave, but he knows he could never willingly put Zayn in more danger like that. Not for anything. Enduring this awkwardness between them seems a small price to pay to keep him safe. “I’m fine with what we have.”

“If you’re sure.” Zayn’s watching Liam with that wary look in his eyes again. 

“I’m sure. Please stay.” Liam moves to the bed and climbs in again, covering himself up with the blankets and closing his eyes.

“Didn’t sleep well?” Zayn asks, but Liam can tell it’s less a question and more a deduction. 

“Nightmares,” he answers honestly, knowing there’s no way to hide the truth from Zayn. 

He hears shuffling noises and then feels the slight bounce of Zayn lying down next to him, too much space between them, a tension on the blanket that says Zayn’s on top of it, rather than under it.

“Do you want…,” Zayn’s question trails off, and a second later Liam hears a sigh before the bed moves as Zayn rises from it. “If the nightmares keep coming back, I’ll get you something to help you sleep. Just let me know.”

Liam opens his eyes to see Zayn sitting down at the little table, the bag rustling as he takes everything out of it and arranges it on the table. Liam thinks he was going to offer to hold him again. He wishes he would. It wouldn’t have to mean anything. Instead of saying anything, he closes his eyes again, ignoring the wetness he feels slipping from the corners. 

~~

He can see it again. The man with the gun. The crowd panicking. He can’t move, but he can feel the way his heart trembles with each beat, fearful that this one will be the last. He sees Zayn. Sarcastic, grumpy, beautiful Zayn, stepping in front of him. Sees the bullet tear into him. Sees him fall and moves to catch him. And it doesn’t matter that the bullet didn’t hit Liam, doesn’t matter that it’s not his heart beating its last, or his breath fading fast, because seeing Zayn covered in red and dying in his arms feels like it’s killing him all the same.

“No,” Liam cries. “Zayn, don't go!”

“Liam,” Zayn whispers, reaching up to touch his face.

“Zayn, please.”

“Liam, shh,” Zayn soothes him. “I’m right here.”

Liam leans over Zayn’s body, laying his head on Zayn’s chest and letting his tears fall. 

He wakes from the nightmare in Zayn’s arms again, tears still falling, Zayn still whispering that he’s right there, and clutches him tighter when he realizes that it was just a dream. That Zayn is safe.

“You’re here.” Liam says it in relief but then feels embarrassed because he realizes that he’s just repeating what Zayn’s been telling him over and over. 

Zayn doesn’t seem to notice or care if Liam sounds dumb echoing his words. He just looks at Liam with sad eyes and keeps reassuring him. “I am. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

Liam sighs and his heart feels like it’s cracking in his chest. “That’s not a promise you can keep,” he tells Zayn quietly, defeated. 

“What do you mean?” Zayn asks, a curiosity in his gaze that Liam wants to shy away from. 

“Nothing,” Liam denies, pulling away from Zayn and moving to the table that’s got their meager collection of provisions. “S’nothing.”

His mouth feels gross from falling asleep without brushing again, so he grabs the purple toothbrush, but the toothpaste and the other toothbrush are missing. He assumes they’re in the bathroom and heads there next, finding the toothbrush and toothpaste on the sink. 

“We’re not talking about me physically leaving the room, are we?” Zayn asks, nearly making Liam jump at his sudden appearance in the doorway. 

“No,” Liam answers, quickly preparing his toothbrush and shoving it into his mouth before he has to say more. It may have been a brief moment, but they’ve already sort of admitted their feelings to each other, and also their lack of power to change their circumstances. It doesn’t matter how much they may care, how much it may hurt, they can’t be more than what they are, so there’s no use in talking about this. Liam’s fear and desire for Zayn’s safety aren’t going to alter the fact that it’s Zayn’s job to walk into danger. And it’s not like he has any right to request a change. Zayn isn’t his. He’s not Zayn’s. 

Zayn leans against the door jamb and watches him, but doesn’t ask any more questions. Maybe because he can see that he won’t get any answers. He seems thoughtful as he watches Liam brush his teeth, his stare distant. 

It isn’t until Liam has rinsed his mouth out and dried it with a washcloth that Zayn speaks again. 

“I’ve been thinking… after all this is over…,” he trails off, seeming hesitant to continue until he’s got Liam’s full attention. “I think I might retire early.”

“What?” Liam isn’t sure he heard right. His brain doesn’t seem to know how to process that. “You can’t retire, you’re barely 30.”

“You know what I mean,” Zayn rolls his eyes. “Think I might try something a little calmer. Maybe buy a bookshop or a farm or something. Something a little safer than bodyguard duty.”

“You– you want to quit?” Liam can feel a tightness in his chest, one that he’s all too familiar with lately, like his breath is caught. Is this Zayn trying to keep his unkeepable promise? But… why would he…

“Not now,” Zayn shakes his head. “Not until we’ve caught this guy and I know you’re out of danger. But… once you’re safe. Yeah, I think I might.”

“Why?” Liam asks, tentatively stepping closer, daring to hope he knows the answer. 

Zayn reaches out, gripping Liam’s arms, letting him know that he wants him close. He’s not pushing him away this time. “Because I want things with you that I shouldn’t.”

“And if you’re not my agent anymore…,” Liam prompts, raising a hand to cup the back of Zayn’s neck, eyes on the lips he’s been yearning for. 

“Then ‘shouldn’t’ can’t stop us anymore.”

“I’m all for this plan,” Liam tells him, leaning in.

“Liam, I’m still your agent,” Zayn reminds him with a soft smirk before their lips can make contact. He’s not pulling away though, so Liam doesn’t think it’s a real complaint.

“Then for the next five minutes, you’re fired,” Liam informs him, absolutely done caring about shouldn’ts. Life is too short. 

Zayn chuckles into their first kiss, trying to tell him that “that’s not how it works” before Liam informs him that he doesn’t care and kisses him again. Zayn stops complaining. 

It’s more like ten minutes before Zayn is back on the clock again, but it’s not as scary now. Yes, they’re both still in danger, and it’s still terrifying. Those feelings won’t go away any time soon, but there’s a peace that seems to settle into both of them now. A strength they seem to draw from each other. 

After Zayn checks out the window for potential threats again, he joins Liam back on the bed. They lie next to each other staring at the ceiling. 

“You really want to buy a farm?” Liam asks, peering over at him. 

Zayn shrugs. “Maybe a ranch. Seems like it could be cool.”

“Yeah. Could be.”

“Want to come with me?” 

“Seriously?” Liam checks, eyes trailing over Zayn’s face looking for signs of jest. 

Zayn rolls onto his side to face Liam, lifting himself on an elbow and resting his chin in his hand. “What? You think I’m going to quit my job for you and then just leave you behind?” 

Liam rolls towards him too, loving the snarky smile on his face. “I guess I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.”

“I have,” Zayn tells him softly, a wistful quality to his tone.

Liam feels his cheeks flush, pleased beyond words to hear that Zayn’s already been thinking of a future together. “Don’t make me fire you again.”

Zayn laughs, reaching for Liam with the hand that isn’t holding him up. He tangles their free hands together as his laughter fades to an affectionate smile. “You can fire me as many times as you want. I’ll still be here whenever you need me.”

Liam believes him. 

~~

It takes six days for the Secret Service to capture the would-be assassin.  

When Liam and Zayn are safe to come out of hiding, Zayn promptly quits his job. Liam follows suit, retiring from his father’s campaign and following his boyfriend to an anonymous plot of land somewhere in the countryside. They buy a ranch and make a go of being domestic. 

Things aren’t perfect. Ranch life is difficult while they’re learning the ropes and they have to learn how to live with each other too. Liam still has flashbacks, still wakes up with nightmares, but no matter the pitfalls or triumphs they face, Zayn’s repeated words from their days in hiding remain true. Whenever Liam needs him, he’s always right there.