Archive of Our Own ^beta

Noona, I've found someone to love.

And you might think I'm too young and this is too strong of a beginning but I want you to listen. I've found someone to love.

Who would've thought? 

You always told me I was still a kid and it will take much growing up before love finds me. But love found me, Noona. Before I was ready. Before I'm completely grown up.

I let it in without knowing it was love. I hope you don't tell this to mom (not yet, at least). Anyone would've made the same mistake as I did, especially when love has dimpled cheeks and knowing eyes. It didn't knock, just strode in like a cat.

Don't worry, despite that, love feeds me well and treats me gently. He pays attention to what I do. Recalls the little things about me. Wasn't it you who told me that to be loved is to be known? He knows me well, Noona.

He tails me like a shadow. Whatever I do, he mirrors. Whatever I wear, he pairs with. People often say we look like twins because of that and he'd smile his dimpled smile. Go on with knowing eyes. 

I used to hate it, Noona. If I'm being honest. How can I be a twin to somebody I wish to build my whole life with? Not when I think of raising cats with him. Not when he's all I think about when I imagine myself cooking. It’s funny. I can't even cook but I want to learn all his favorite dishes so I can make it for him.

I imagine a future with Jungwon, where we're both in the kitchen fumbling. Learning and re-learning how to shape our hearts into dough so we can bake it and offer it to each other. Hand it out to be eaten by our lover. 

There's nothing familial about this. 

When I asked Jungwon why the twin thing never bothered him, he simply took my hand in his. Told me a myth about souls and kissed me. It's silly, Noona. But you have to understand that this doesn't change anything. I love him, silly antics and all.

This is what he said. He said that when his soul was molded to the fire, a part of it was broken off. Like bread broken in half. Where there was a single entity, there are now two. One of the halves became his. The other half became mine. He says that's why people think we're twins,  because even their mortal eyes recognize what is divine. They too, feel the connection years after it was severed. 

Jungwon thinks the closest we can get to becoming a single entity again is when we kiss. He said it was a way of mending both our souls, stitching the frayed edges. And he did, Noona. Kissed me several times. For the excuse of bringing us back into one. He says when we kiss our souls become a singularity, as it was always meant to be.

I think he was making that stuff up. He probably just wanted to kiss me. That bastard.

We watch horror movies together, Noona. You told me once I'll never find someone who can stand my choice of films but he is a living falsification of your claims. Jungwon indulges me and watches horror films with me. He holds my hands under the sheets. Sometimes, when he's feeling a little goofy, he'd pretend to sleep on my stomach. Only to trail little kisses along my skin when I’m distracted. He'd draw hearts on the dip of my hips too, despite knowing I'm ticklish. He only behaves when I pinch him. 

Noona, I love him so much. Sometimes I feel like the very act of loving him steals the air from my lungs. Every breath I take, it feels like there are needles prickling my chest. Is it supposed to hurt like this? I never imagined that. 

When I told you I liked that boy who always stole my colored pens in middle school, it never hurt like this. It didn't feel like my heart was pressing my ribcage, trying to break free. But it feels exactly like that with Jungwon. Loving him hurts. 

Do you think it's because my body is too small to hold the enormity of all that I feel for him? 

Please answer me in your letters. I need to understand, Noona.