Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Well, you’re probably not going to die. Pushes like this are bloody, sure, but if I’ve lived this long you probably will too.”

The soldier in front of August doesn’t seem to be any more reassured than he used to be, if anything he’s probably even more worried.

Artillery shells scream overhead, they land on the Levassuri trench line about 800 meters in front. The density of shells falling is so great that it is nearly impossible to differentiate one shell burst from another.

It’s easy to think that that the great rumbling mass of detonations is enough to simply kill any creature unfortunate enough to find itself in its grasp. However, one creature in particular is capable of constructing thousands of kilometers of trenches, dig hundreds of dugouts capable of resisting barrages such as this.

Humans really are persistent bastards aren’t they.

An officer checks his watch. About a minute remains.

“So uh, mister red hair. What’s your name?” the nervous soldier stutters out.

“Weil, August. Yours?”

“Uhm, Ac-“

He is cut off by the sharp order of an officer.

“First Platoon! Prepare for advance!”

The row of soldiers in front of August shuffles forward towards the ladder.

It’s hard to believe that one could even fit as many men as this into a trench this narrow. But it’s also hard to believe that the war had ground to such a bloody stalemate to begin with.

“Right, listen up. Move as quickly as possible through our own barbed wire line, but you get down the moment you get past it. Remember what I said, cover each other’s movements and stay together. Got it? Don’t want my entire section dead today.”

The newer soldiers respond with a sharp “Yes sir.” August replies with a “Gotcha.” The other veterans (anyone who has somehow survived more than five months in this damned dump) respond in equally casual ways, August’s pretty sure he saw L.Corp. Junkers just nod.

Corporal Sankt doesn’t care about it. First of all, he isn’t an officer, and second off he’s more interested in things like keeping his men alive, or maybe even accomplishing the objectives given to them. And even if he did care, right before a push isn’t exactly the best place to give a lecture on respect.

The roar of shells began to dissipate, like a thunderstorm rolling off into the distance. The officer checks his watch once again.
He climbs onto the ladder in front of him, then produces a whistle.

August could hear the other soldiers finishing up hasty prayers, giving others reassurances, and even cracking macabre jokes. Because once that whistle is blown, there’s a very distinct probability that they are dead within the hour.

“Hey uhm, Weil, name’s Ackermann by the way. Well… Are… Are you scared?”

August ponders this question. He’s not scared of dying, he’s already accepted that he’s going to die in the bottom of a flooded shell crater a long time ago.
What he is scared of is dying slowly. August’s mind drags him into the pits of his own memory and deposits him at the sight of some poor sod that took some shrapnel to the spine.
Poor bastard was alive and conscious long enough for him to take his carbine and… Push the muzzle up to the roof of his mouth and wrap his thumb around the trigger.
That was not nice at all. Don’t think about that right before you yourself climb straight into the killing zone.

He does not answer the soldier’s question. Because the officer finally blows on his whistle. “1st Platoon advance!”

In almost perfect unison, the line of men posted at the ladders bravely and steadily began their ascent into no-man’s land. Until they were caught by MG and sharpshooter fire the very moment they reached the top.

One could say that it was very damaging to morale, seeing some of your lifeless comrades tumble into the trench you are just about to climb out of.

August felt something warm splatter on his face when the man in front of him, Ackermann, ungracefully dropped like a rag-doll. Now he lay at August’s feet, face caught in an expression of surprise. He isn’t moving any more.

“2nd Platoon advance! Advance! The stretcher-bearers will deal with the wounded later, forward now!”
August and the rest of 2nd Platoon stepped forward to the ladders. He tried to not trample on Ackermann’s lifeless form as he, himself found his turn to climb up the steps that so kindly lead him into the great maw of hell.

~0--0~

“Nightmare again?” A soothing voice asks. August is now awake. Dim moonlight seeps in from the bedroom window. Elfriede has her arms wrapped around his waist.

August doesn’t answer. She very much already knows. Murmuring, whimpers and panicked thrashing about in his sleep are very obvious signs. The fact that this is also a frequent occurrence means that Elfriede’s problem detection ability has had a lot of practice.

Another thing that has gotten a lot of practice is Elfriede’s ability to comfort a certain someone. She places a kiss on August’s neck. Leaving him somewhat flustered and definitely more relaxed.
“You should try to get to sleep again, it’s what? One in the morning? You don’t want to get to work late or tired now do you?” She snuggled up to him before petting his head as if August was a cat.

He loves every single second of it. August quickly falls back into sleep.

~0--0~

The first year of August’s return to civil life was a very rough ride. August had spent the last four years of his life surrounded by death and misery. August had spent the last four years of his life killing, starving, living in filth like a pig.

August had spent the last four years of his life believing he will die in Vermorel. That there was no future left for him. No future left for his entire generation.

Now he was here, back home. Surrounded by clueless people who did not understand a single thing about the war. Civilians who constantly asked the worst questions one could throw at him.

“What were the battles like?”

“Why did we surrender? We were winning militarily!”

“You fought in the war? Did you get injured?”

“Did you ever kill anyone?”

August has no idea how everything he took for granted became so foreign to him, it felt alien to sleep in his own bed, to eat full meals every day, to be clean. It was jarring to know that he could just walk a block down to the local general store and buy razors, sugar, coffee, medicine with actual money and not bartering with cigarettes and whatever other shit nicked from the corpses lying around.

He could step outside and stand still in the open without getting his brain violently evacuated out the back of his skull.

It was back to normal. But it wasn’t normal. August’s body is in Boschberg, pacing its wonderful quaint streets and gazing upon beautiful blue roses.

August’s mind is still in Levasseur. The glint of windows is mistaken for the glint of sniper scopes. Every street is a kill-zone and enemy soldiers lay hidden behind every corner and window.
He is anxious even if there is nothing to be anxious about. Not a single thing here wants to hurt him. Yet he is still terrified of everything surrounding him.

August is constantly on edge. A proverbial unexploded artillery shell just waiting for something to rattle it enough to set off the fuse.

And the fuse went off. One day in the post office something happens, August doesn’t even remember what.

Next thing he knows is that he’s huddled under Elfriede’s desk. Madly sputtering about how one of his co-workers was going to get himself killed because he was standing up too straight.

In Leylandian circles this is “Shell-shock”. In Wessling’s psychology community this is “Kreigshyterie”, war hysteria. August’s case is not actually a recent development. He had already been dealing with its symptoms during the war.

He had to spend time in a Casualty Clearing Station due to a particularly nasty breakdown in the wake of a failed push. He did improve enough to be sent back to the front; however, a lot of treatments weren’t to improve the patient’s overall health. But rather to get them sorted out just enough to send them back into the meatgrinder as soon as possible.

August’s relapse was a right mess, and that could have been the end of his job if August were under a more austere employer. Luckily Mrs. Mueller is a compassionate woman (and the fact that her son was a psychology student and dealt with war-hysteria cases before may have helped as well.) and gave him a generous amount of time off to try and get things sorted.

It did help a bit; time off work is always appreciated. But it didn’t ease his mental troubles that much, and August’s melancholy and hysteria persisted with no signs of relenting.

1919 did not come to pass without good offerings however, despite the rocky return to civilian life, it gave August the happiest moments of his life.

After nearly twenty-four years of pining, and three years of courting (in the worst place imaginable to fall in love), August and Elfriede finally tied the knot.

His first days living with someone else was jarring, but in a good way. Probably because it was with Elfride.

In those trenches, August lost hope in a future. The idea of going back to the life that he once had slipped from his grasp and was lost in the swallowing mud under his boots.

It was in no man’s land where Eugen was blinded, Wolf was cut down in a friendly fire incident. It was in no man’s land L.Corp Klett lost his legs, where Sauer had a bomb dropped on him by an aero-plane, where Rahn took some shrapnel to an artery and subsequently bled out.

It was in no man’s land where August’s will to live died alongside his comrades. Though frankly, said will to live was already worn away before the war even started. But the war became the breaking point.
Death wasn’t a terrible prospect to August anymore, if he were to die, he’d see his friends again, in whatever afterlife there may be.

But then, one day, Elfriede shows up in those very trenches clad in the uniform of a field postwoman.

He would have called her insane, no, he did call her insane.

Elfriede isn’t exactly a woman free from making questionable choices. Hell, she has a penchant for making questionable choices. And she was particularly adamant about this in particular.

They kept each other company on the worst of days, the coldest of nights. If August did anything, he did it for Elfriede, he did it so he could see her even just one more time.

The war, through all of its horrors, brought the two closer to each other than ever before. Together they had to trudge through half-flooded trenches and attempt to not drown in the mud. Together they shared whatever morsels of food that were available. Together they tried new things, such as smoking, and drinking copious amounts of alcohol. And most importantly, together, they tried to not die.

On the eleventh of November, 1918, the Great War came to a sudden halt. It was a mostly somber affair for August, the war had taken so many things from him and he could barely grasp just what the war actually did to him and to everyone around him.

Elfriede on the other hand was quite keen on celebrating the end of the war. She did so by kissing August. In front of his comrades. Not even just a peck on the lips or something, she did not hold back at all.

The both of them came home changed. Both came home with many shared memories of horror and even the subdued flashes of fun and happiness.

Healing is a complicated and hard process, and doing it by yourself is nigh impossible. Elfriede is the best partner August could have ever asked for.

He stands in the kitchen, sipping a cup of coffee he had made for himself. He’d just scarfed down breakfast graciously provided by Elfriede. It wasn’t exactly top of the line cooking you might find in a fancy restaurant or the imperial palace. But August very much enjoys everything Elfriede cooks up for him, on the sole virtue that said meals were made by her.

He checks the clock on the wall. He’s still got some time to waste before he has to get to the office. He has a totally very brilliant plan to kill said time.

Step one: purposefully untie the tie you may have struggled with earlier in the morning.

“H- hey uhm, Elfriede? Seems I maaay have undone my tie on accident w-wouldyoumindfixingitformepleaseandthankyou!”

Elfriede stares at him from across the kitchen.

“Well then get over here.” Is her reply, August obeys and makes his way to her.

Elfriede pounces once August is in range. She places her hands on his shoulders and pulls him down enough that their faces are level, before placing a smooch on his face.

“Let me guess, you messed up your own tie so you could get me to fix it up for you hm?”

“Huh? How did you figure that out!?”

“Because you’re a sappy romantic and you think getting me to fix up your tie is cute.”

August’s face is so red it very nearly matches the colour of his hair. Elfriede starts putting his tie back on.

“Oh, come on now August, if you want me to help you get all dressed up in the morning you can just tell me.”

“Y-yeah but it’s embarrassing!”

“Then why are you asking me to help?”

“Because you look cute while doing it.”

Both of them have turned the same shade of cherry red at this point.

“Do you want me to do this for you every morning?”

“Yes.”

“Should have just told me that from the start, August”

“But it’s still embarrassing.”

“By god August you are such a baby.”

Elfriede finishes placing his tie back on. “There you go, now off to work with you. Gotta keep up with how much you spend on cigarettes.” She pushes a finger up against August’s chest.

“Hey I don’t spend that much on cigarettes.”

“Yeah right. Look, I get why you smoke, but you really have to get off that stuff. I’d enjoy kissing you more if you don’t taste like tobacco.”

“But you still enjoy kissing me, right?”

August leans forward. Elfriede does indeed give him a kiss.

“Of course I do.”

Married life is, indeed, absolutely wonderful. No wonder why Eugen kept prattling on about this stuff.

Elfriede takes August’s hand and squeezes it a bit. “I think it’s time for you to head off now, see you at lunch as always.” She gives him a wink and a radiant smile.
August finds himself smiling back.

~0--0~

August is slumped over on a chair placed next to Elfriede’s desk. He is exhausted, maybe not to the same extent of exhaustion he had experienced in the war. But pacing about town carrying a bag filled nearly to the brim with letters is still bloody tiring.

Elfriede’s off getting lunch in the office’s kitchen. She’ll be back soon enough but August can’t wait, he wants, no, needs her joy and brilliance. And maybe the food she’s going to be bringing back as well.

She does come back soon with two plates of food, she gingerly places them on the desk before getting herself seated. August smiles a bit and performs a sluggish wave to acknowledge her return.

“Whatever the hell happened out there? You look like you have been running a marathon.” She says as she spoon-feeds August.

August responds in a low voice; “Heh, well, uhh, we gotta talk about something for a bit.”

Elfriede raises an eyebrow in question.

“Know err, Zimmerman? On Hansel Street?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Well his kid’s cat went missing and uh- I may have volunteered for a search.”

“Oh, so that’s why you’re late, did you find the cat at least?”

“Oh yes I did, as it turns out she’d run off to give birth to some kittens!”

“Well, that’s cute, how many?”

“Three.”

“Three new additions to the Zimmerman family then.”

“Actually err, that’s what I wanted to talk about, you see- “

“Don’t tell me.”

“-they offered one of the kittens to me and- “

“…… Are you going to ask me if you can keep one?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, but- “

August springs up in excitement. “Really?”

Elfriede sighs. “But we leave the house unattended for what, four hours? That thing is going to find so many ways to get into the cabinets and drawers and smash all of our plates and glasses or commit some other atrocity.”

Elfriede brings this up because she has had experience with felines before. August had his rabbit, Hilda; Elfriede had a cat named Himmelstoss.

That dubious little creature had a tendency to scratch up the wallpaper, the furniture, the doors, and overall, generate chaos and destruction in his wake.

He was also adorable, she liked having the little critter around when it wasn't destroying the household.

Does she want yet another dubious little creature commit crimes against appliance and furniture kind?

She stays silent for about 13 seconds.

The answer is yes.

“Okay fine, but you must promise me that you are going to be the one to clean up if it ever makes a mess, got it?”

August responds with a mock salute and a “Yes ma’am” before finally helping himself to one of the plate of mashed potatoes Elfriede had slid to his side of the desk.

~0--0~

August comes home with a kitten leaning out of his postal bag.

He had immediately set himself to work on finding accommodations for the little thing as soon as he got home. Currently he is rummaging through drawers and cabinets searching for things he could feed to the cat. (Who he has named Wolfgang in honour of a departed friend.)

In his rummaging he finds something he doesn’t like looking at. Hidden under some miscellaneous items, he had found a small cross with a ribbon bearing Wessling’s national colours.

It’s a medal. The Iron Cross 2nd class. This is the same worthless piece of tin that had been pinned to August’s chest back in 1916.

He had earned himself the “decoration” in an act of “extreme bravery and determination in the face of enemy fire.” In reality, a botched suicide attempt.

Eugen had been blinded by shrapnel; Wolf was killed by friendly fire. Both happened in the same night, on the same patrol. August and 8th Company were sent over the top the next week in attacks supporting he main Wesslinger offensive in Sainte-Menehould.

There was a lone Levassuri machine gun. It had cut down dozens of Wesslinger youths in their futile attempt on the Levassuri trenches. August thought he’d be no different.

Eugen’s life was forever ruined and Wolf was gone. Everything had suddenly become so empty, once there was a small section of trench taken up by those three fine Boschberg lads laughing their problems away. Now there was nothing there but the howling of wind and a single broken man on his 3rd pack of cigarettes that day.

August just couldn’t take it anymore, so with a fixed bayonet he leapt out of a shallow ditch and hoped that he’d meet the same fate shared by overconfident soldiers wanting to make a name for himself.
The Levassuris never saw August until he was in the same half-flooded hole as they were.

August raised his rifle and shot the nearest man in the chest. The figure clad in blue crumpled into the muddy shin-high water, gurgling as he did so.

The second one had pulled a pistol, unfortunately for him it jammed after the first shot had sailed over August’s head.

At this point August’s self-preservation instincts had sabotaged his desire for death, and the Levassuri fiddling about with a jammed pistol was a definite threat.

August skewered him with a bayonet trough the gut. The pistol dropped into the filth along with its owner.

The bayonet had gotten stuck. And there was a third Levassuri scrambling towards the form of a rifle leaning on an empty ammunition crate.

The fight that ensued was in no way a duel of esteemed gentlemen settling their differences with honour. Neither was it a fight between two skilled warriors affluent in their trade of death.

It was a brawl between two scared men fighting for their survival. Two men who were soldiers but in no way warriors. They clumsily struck and grappled in the same manner that two drunken men fighting in a bar would.

August gained an upper hand when he managed to draw his entrenching tool and struck the Levassuri soldier on his steel helmet with enough force to dent it. The Levassuri was left dazed by the blow, while August had clumsily lost his grip on the entrenching tool, which lands in the murky brown-red water.

There is one way to end this right here, right now.

August tackles the blue-clad soldier into the water. He finds himself holding the Levassuri’s head under the water by the back rim of his helmet.
He thrashes about in a desperate yet futile attempt to get August off. But the earlier brawl had already taken the man’s strength. Soon enough he stops moving.

August stares dumbfoundedly at the medal in his hand. This piece of tin was awarded to him as reward for murder, for committing one of the ultimate sins in civilian life.

He’s back there again, in the mud and filth. Hearing bullets whistle and crack over his head, hearing the whistle and roar of the artillery, the cries of the dying.

He doesn’t hear the door behind him open.

He does hear Elfriede whisper in his ear.

“You alright?”

“Y- yes. Yeah.” His short and ragged breaths betray him.

Elfriede crouches beside him and wraps an arm around his waist.

“Look around you. Where do you think you are?”

“Home.”

“There we go, you’re home. I’m here, so is the kitten. You’re safe here.”

August lets out an exasperated sigh as he shoots a glance at the medal still in his hand.

Elfriede snatches it away and gives it an incredibly dirty look. As if she’s accusing the medal itself of tax fraud or some other scandal.

“Want to get rid of it?”

“Actually uh, no. Not yet.”

Elfriede shoots him a surprised expression but she goes along with it, depositing the medal back into the open drawer.

August takes a look around the room, his gaze falling on the tiny form of Wolf scratching the carpet. Elfriede has her eyes fixated on him as well.

“Have you given him a name yet?”

“Yeah, Wolfgang.”

“Really?”

“I’m absolutely sure he appreciates me naming my new cat after him.”

August turns to face Elfriede.

“By the way, we’re off work tomorrow, right?”

Elfriede nods in confirmation.

“Well, uhm, would you mind if I took you to the park tomorrow?”

Elfriede lights up with a smile.

~0--0~

August and Elfride find themselves sitting on the grass next to a pond.

“So, that’s how Mrs. Mueller got a face-full of cake.” Elfriede finishes telling a story with a giggle.

“I wish I was there; I can already hear her going on a tirade of titanic proportions.”

August feels the wind in his face, the regular bustle and commotion of the town is not to be heard here. August feels…. Somewhat at peace.

August feels happy.

It’s not exactly a perfect life, he still experiences nightmares, he still feels the phantom of war trying to grasp him at any opportunity he gets.

But now he has someone to help him through it all, someone to keep the phantom at bay, someone to protect and in turn, someone to be protected by.

Now he has someone to open up to, someone to lean on when he feels too weak to keep himself standing.

He has someone to love, someone to love him back.

He fishes around one of his pockets until he finds the medal.

He looks at it, this medal is a symbol of the last six years of pain, a symbol of the great lie told to the youth of Lassale, if not the entire world.

In front of him is a somewhat deep, serene pond.

“Hey, Elfriede, see this?”

She looks at the medal.

“What are you going to do with it?”

August tosses it into the pond.

“You sure the groundskeeper or whoever is going to turn a blind eye to you throwing things into the pond?”

“Oh, come on, people throw coins into this thing constantly! I’m sure they wouldn’t mind me tossing a medal into it right?”

She lets out a sigh. August leans in and gives her a peck on the cheek.

Elfriede takes August’s hand and intertwines her fingers with his.

“I’m in love with the biggest idiot in the world and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

She leans on his shoulder.

August is smiling. Elfriede is smiling. In spite of everything that has happened, is happening, and can happen, they are happy.

Chapter Text

For Elfriede, most days were quite unremarkable. Well, most days of our lives are unremarkable anyways, it’s just those brief flashes of success, failure or major events that we remember above all else. Hell, if you asked Elfriede, she could definitely tell you of days during the war that were completely unremarkable. Thousands could have been dying in other sectors and fronts, but nothing happened over in windmill corner.

The war is over, but the stream of unremarkable days still flows for eternity. Today is very nearly one of those days. Very nearly is used because something that isn’t bog-standard post office tedium does happen. Apparently, a new guy got hired. She doesn’t really have much to say about him though, he’s just some young lad with blonde hair and the way he conducted himself reminded her a lot of August when he was younger.

Other than that, however, business as usual. An entire day of sorting through letters and all the other repetitive and tiresome tasks that come with working in a post office. Lunchtime comes around and August comes strolling into the office with a rumbling stomach. Soon enough they get around to doing the ‘lovey-dovey couple at lunch’ routine that for some reason has a tendency to project psychic damage to their co-workers. August is then back off, leaving his wife so cruelly stranded at work.

The sun drops ever lower into the horizon. Elfriede is told by Mrs. Mueller that her shift’s over. And she is on her way back home, tailed by a long shadow in a town bathed by a fading afternoon light.
Elfriede now arrives at the doorstep of her own home. She gives the door three knocks, then she waits.

A few seconds pass. She waits. A few more seconds pass. He’s usually answered the door by now. An entire two minutes passes, no answer. She sighs. He’s probably blacked out on the couch. She reaches into one of her pockets in an attempt to produce the duplicate key she has, only for the door to swing open at that very moment.

August wears an exasperated look on his face. “Sorry I took so long, I just had to err... uh…”

“What the hell happened?” Elfriede is worried. He could have had to deal with a flashback or something else of that nature all by himself. His condition has improved the past few years but it still has a nasty habit of suddenly flaring up even if you’d think it was gone for good.

“Uhh…. Yeah, Wolf decided it was time to jump into that cabinet with all our plates and cutlery stuff.”

She looks dumbfoundedly at August for a few seconds, then lets out another sigh.

“Did he break anything?”

“No.”

“Did he do anything else?”

“Well- Err- Uhm-…..”

“Don’t tell me he decided that the floor is the best place to defecate again.”

“What? No! He just scratched up a post upstairs.”

Another sigh.

“Could have been worse. So, how has today been, love?” Elfriede blushes at the endearment. They usually call each other by their first names so neither of them is used to being called sweetheart or darling et-cetera.

“Wh- ah, I nearly feel like I’m about to drop dead from exhaustion but I’m fine. But I’m more interested to know about how your day was, darling.”

Elfriede’s retaliatory salvo of sappiness lands directly on target and delivers maximal effect. August’s cheeks turn bright red. The colour and intensity of said blush intensifies when Elfriede shoots him a smile, to the point that his cheeks are nearly the same shade as the crimson mop on his head.

“U- uhm- Yeah. Today’s been fine, just a bit tired.” It’s his turn to give her a weak smile now. People really are cuter when they smile, Elfriede thinks.

~0--0~

“So, what do you think of the new kid?” August asks, they had already been discussing other things over dinner, and this is a new development that has broken the monotony of work somewhat, so it’s natural that this topic would come up sooner or later.

“Eh, I don’t really have much to say about him. Other than ‘he acts like you when you were new to the post office’.”

“Hey I didn’t act like that!”

“Actually, yeah, you didn’t. You were much shyer than him.”

“Oi!”

Elfriede lets out a giggle.

“I mean it is true though, you used to be very shy and reserved back then. It’s honestly jarring when I compare your younger self to you now.”
“Yeah, I… No, us both have come a long way since then.”

Elfriede briefly ponders about everything that has happened between then and now. And she wonders what they could have been if they didn’t happen. Would they act the same as they do now? Would they even still be together?

She doesn’t know. But what she does know is that she’d rather have this life she is living right now over all the others.

August cracks open a smile and uses a low voice to say:

“Heh, you know Elfriede, it’s hard to think that I worried that you would never reciprocate my feelings. But, well. Here we are.”

“It’s also hard to think that I thought that the correct move wasn’t to wait for you to make a grand dramatic gesture of your feelings toward me but well, here we are.”

August attempts to lean over the table his intentions are crystal clear. Elfriede motions him to sit the hell back down. “You can kiss me all you want after dinner okay.”
He awkwardly takes his seat once again.

“Anyway, back to the new guy, did he ever actually tell anyone his name? Oh whatever. For some reason I feel like he looks… familiar…. I swear I have seen him somewhere before but I can’t think of when or where exactly.”

“That’s odd, I guess you are just having a classic case of déjà vu though.”

“Maybe. But I also experienced a bit of… I don’t know. I really don’t know, the kid creeps me out for some reason.”

Elfriede raises a brow. That is a bit odd.

“It’s probably nothing, maybe it is just because you aren’t very familiar with him yet.”

“….. Yeah. I guess.”

~0--0~

The rest of that night was lovely, but it ends soon enough, as all things do. Elfriede is now back at work, sitting behind her desk sorting the pile of letters to be delivered. It’s just another day of routine mundanity. Until it suddenly isn’t anymore.

“U- um. Excuse me but, you are Mrs. Weil, right? Sorry if you aren’t I’m not very familiar with everyone here yet.”

It’s the new guy. What’s he doing here?

“Yes, I am Mrs. Weil. Why do you ask? Not familiar with everyone here yet?”

“Well yes but, err… Well, you see, there was a bit of an incident that happened earlier. I spoke to your husband, and he seemed alright at first but at some point, he got a bit… Distressed… Mrs. Mueller told me I should be the one to inform you.”

Oh shit. Current assessment; Code orange. Not enough information to ascertain the severity of the situation.

“Where’d he go?”

“Well, he did get back to proper function after a few minutes, then just went off for deliveries. S- sorry ma’am I- it’s just I hope I didn’t do anything wrong.”

Ah, alright. Current assessment: Code yellow. ‘Minor’ incident that he recovered from relatively quickly. Elfride doesn’t like using the word ‘minor’ for this though. Any sort of distress to her husband is an important and urgent matter that needs to be dealt with as soon as possible.

“Ach, no it’s fine. See, Aug- Mr. Weil fought in the war, and you see, he gets a bit… Confused as to where he is at times. Our post office uniforms do look similar to Levassuri army uniforms at a glance after all.”

“O- oh. That sounds horrible, I can’t imagine having to live like that.”

“You should go do whatever you’re supposed to be doing, I’ll have a talk with him once he gets back.”

The lad nods and sails off back to his duties while Elfride remains at her desk, she lets out a groan. She tried to play cool and hide her worry, but her head is overrun with worst-case scenarios and general anxiousness.

Lunchtime comes around, he’s supposed to be back in the office now but he is nowhere to be seen. Elfriede tells Mrs. Mueller that he’s probably just gone home and she’s off to resolve the problem.
Once she does get home, she is greeted with an interesting sight. August is on the couch, laying on his back. On his chest is the peculiar form of Wolf, the kitten. His white fur dotted with grey splotches contrasting August’s blue uniform. August is absentmindedly stroking the kitten with one hand all the while he stares blankly at the ceiling.

He doesn’t notice Elfriede until she initiates engagement by speaking first.

“August?”

He glances at Elfriede’s general direction but he doesn’t move in response.

“What are you doing here? I- I just need a moment sort myself out, a- and you still have work to do.” The tremble in his voice betrays him. He is definitively not sorted out just yet. Elfriede sits on the couch’s arm rest and gives August a hair ruffling mirroring what he’d doing with the kitten which had just jumped off his chest.

“August, come on. We have to talk about it, you can’t just wallow around by yourself here. Especially with what happened earlier.”

“Look, just. You have to be tired of having to deal with me and my… Well, problem. I guess, so I figured I should try to deal with it myself. I- I just-“

“Okay, to be frank. Yes. Sometimes I do get tired. BUT, as much as we would like a comfortable life where we never get tired, that’s just not possible.” She reaches for his hand.

“I remember damn well all the things you said to me the night before you shipped off. You told me that you would die for me. You said you would die for me. Do you think I wouldn’t do the same for you? It doesn’t matter if I’m exhausted with work or life or dealing with you. I’ll still try to ease everything up for you. Why? It’s because I LOVE YOU, August.”

August looks somewhat ashamed of himself, his cheeks have gone deeply red. Elfriede first squeezes his hand, before deciding that the best way to cheer him up is to take the cat’s place. She proceeds to flop onto August’s chest. He yelps in surprise, and also because the weight of 28-year-old woman landing on his chest is not exactly a painless experience.

“W- What the hell are you doing?”

“You were doing this with the cat earlier, why not let me join in on the fun?

“It’s because a typical kitten doesn’t weigh as much as a typical Elfriede! I feel like I’m going to suffocate.”

“I can get off-“

August cuts her off.

“No. Don’t.”

It’s honestly quite comfy lying on August’s chest. Elfriede could feel his heartbeat. She doesn’t like thinking of all the times this very heartbeat very nearly abruptly ceased. There had been so many instances of some bullet or shell fragment avoiding August’s fragile, delicate flesh by mere inches that, if Elfriede were to receive a penny for every such case, she’d have thirty billion marks.
Every time she saw August caked in mud and gore she realized again and again that either of them could die in the next month, day, or hour. Falling in love in a place where every minute, fate rolls dice to decide if you live or not. And somehow, maybe through fate or luck or divine intervention, they are still alive.

And she is so incredibly grateful for it, she’s incredibly grateful for everything she has now. She’s alive with all limbs attached and functional, she has a home, she doesn’t have to think all too much about money, and most importantly she has a genuinely very sweet and caring husband. Said husband is now playing with her hair. She supposes that maybe he’s comfortable enough for her to ask about the incident.

“So, uh. What happened in the office, earlier?”

“Well… I was getting acquainted with Mr. Ehren, uh, the new guy. Remember what I first told you the night before I shipped off?

Elfriede’s brain took a few seconds to flip through the pages of her memory before it finally landed on the correct sentence on the correct page. She remembered that entire conversation very clearly. That night was the night before everything went to proverbial and maybe even literal hell for a while. That night is when she finally realized just how much August was willing to give up just for her, how much he was willing to “improve” just for her sake alone. Admittedly he chose the worst possible way to do it, but the intent is commendable she supposes. But the big topic here is not his big talk about their future or his desire to become a “real man”, it was the first thing he said the moment they both stepped foot on the wooden floorboards of the office.

“I can kill people”

That sentence was already horrific at the time when he said them, but now it has aged like a fine milk.

“You said you could kill people. You said you didn’t really want to, yet you could.”

“And I did. I remember the first person I killed. I thrust a bayonet into his eye. I started puking after I stumbled into his corpse after the fight. Even after that I kept thinking about it for months, how he very well could have had a family back home, he could have had his own very version of you. I got nauseous every time I did. But after that… I killed more. And the more I shot, bayoneted, and clubbed to death, I stopped thinking about them. I stopped viewing them as people with lives and loves and whatever else. I started seeing them as just the enemy. A different language, a different uniform, that was the criteria that had to be met for me to shoot them without question. You were there during the summer push of ’16 right?”
She replied with a simple nod.

“I remember complaining about the mud and some incompetent officer here and there but I don’t think I ever brought up killing anyone did I?”
She kept it up with simple replies. “Not really.”

“Yeah. We spent a lot of the first day with each other after we took the first line. We were so surprisingly… Casual. Even when just a few hours before, I lobbed a few grenades and charged headfirst right into an enemy position. There were so many dead and dying that there was barely anywhere we could step without trampling someone. And in the chaos, I saw a lone Levassuri still standing with his hands to his ears, probably dazed by the grenades. We stared at each other for a fleeting moment, then I blew his brains out. I remember how his fingers were still twitching even as the rest of him lie still in the mud. I never thought much about him after that. Sure, I saw him in an unpleasant dream here or there, but soon enough I forgot.”

August pauses, Elfriede connects the dots.

“So that’s why Mr. Ehren seemed so familiar then?”

“Yeah. I looked into his eyes and I saw that soldier again, with that coin sized hole in his forehead. And I saw Ehren acting quite the same way I did before the war. Couldn’t handle it.”
“What do you suppose would have happened if you had switched placed with the soldier? If you were the one dazed by a bomb blast and he was the one with the rifle. What do you suspect he would have done? You may have pulled the trigger but it wasn’t exactly your fault our nations had gone to war. And in this war your true primary objective was just to live another day. And if you had to shoot someone to do it, then so be it. You had to do what you had to do. We all did. Remember that one poor sod in the dugout?”

August raises an eyebrow but he soon realizes what she is talking about. Her one and only kill. The Leylandian in the dugout.

“I still feel bad about doing it, but I was in very real danger at the time. Sure, he could have just been taking cover and had no intentions concerning me whatsoever. But equally, maybe he could have… Urgh, you know what I’m getting at. What would have happened if I didn’t do what I did?”

“I get how I had to do it, not just as a duty, not just as a measure of survival, not just to protect you and all the other lads. I get it. It’s more that... I don’t know. It’s just sometimes I feel like I could fall back into that dreary pit. Sometimes I fear that that part of me that killed and killed and killed could come back and take the helm again. Remember Lt. Kliebner? Leer brought him up in our latest veteran’s meet. It happened to him, got spooked and stabbed some poor lad and the shellshock defence didn’t work for him. I’m not very fond of harming anyone, and I’m especially not interested in landing in a jail cell. Not at all.”

“Here’s the thing about it though. From all your previous ‘incidents’ I can conclude that you aren’t exactly one to be aggressive when getting hit over the head with a flashback. Hell, see what you did earlier. You didn’t punch Ehren right in the face now did you. Nope, you ran off.”

“I know I usually hide under a desk or turn around and sprint in these situations, but the concern here is a what-if. I know it probably wouldn’t happen, but I can’t take chances. Taking chances once, twice, thrice may not lead to anything. But each and every time, you tempt fate to fuck you over in the worst way possible.”

August releases a sigh with a hint of exasperation and pain. His somewhat frustrated and anxious tone changes into something softer yet still sorrowful in an instant as quick as a flash of lightning.
“Look- just- I don’t want anyone, the neighbors, our colleagues, maybe even our children if we finally decide to have any, to see me as Private August Weil. The filthy murderous thing that he was. I just want to be me. The actual me, not the me killing and doing all the things I never truly wanted to do for some vague notion of national pride or, even worse, to cover up his own insecurities.”

Elfriede looked up at him and met his eyes, she sees the faint glimmer of the moisture leaking out of his tear ducts, leaving a faint glimmering trail down his cheeks.

“I want to be me. August Weil, the one from the post office. The one you keep describing as loving and kind and charming in spite of, maybe even because of his lack of intelligence or strength. That’s what I want to be, that’s what I always wanted to be. Too bad I never realized it until the war took the chance.”

Elfriede takes prompt action, in a quick bout of shuffling her face is no longer resting on August’s chest. Her head is now craned over his, their eyes run parallel to each other. She can feel her own tears dripping. She speaks the following with a raised voice filled with determination.

“August. T- this isn’t some sort of either-or situation! Do you know why I say that you are sweet or kind or whatever else comes out of my mouth? Because you are genuinely those things. Don’t think I’m lying or something just to make you feel better. Others say that about you. You really are a lovely, sweet little thing you dithering idiot! What you once were, what you once did, whatever perceived failures you hold against yourself doesn’t nullify the existence of what good lies within you. You already are August Weil from the post office. Yes, the spectre of the uniform still looms over you. But what’s done is done. You might have to live with this from now on. But that doesn’t detract from you, in fact, it adds to you. You are still kind and loving despite all that you have witnessed and committed, you haven’t let that ruthless part of you take over you even in the face of having to rely on it to live until now. Not a single person sees you as Private Weil. They see you as a sappy idiot that just needs a few open wounds mended.”

Now she sees an opening, a cue as to exactly when to drop the proverbial hammer. She could barely support herself with just one arm, but she cusps August’s tear’s streaked cheek nonetheless. She lowers her lips onto his. It seemingly lasts for an hour, a day, even the vastness of conceivable time is but a fraction of the eternity they experience. They part, both are panting from the act of one of the purest physical displays of affection known to mankind as well as the intensity of the overflow of emotions coursing through their minds.
Elfride lowers herself once more, this time depositing her face next to August’s, her mouth is right over his ear.

“You- God- shit.”

She lets out a nervous giggle.

“S- sorry for making you do that El, I’m-“

“Don’t be. Really, it’s fine.”

A good 15 seconds fly past in an awkward silence.

“Yeah u-“

“Right so-“

They speak and interrupt each other at the exact same time.

“Um. Elfriede, you go first.”

“Good god I love you so much you klutz.”

August really does look very pretty when his cheeks are fiery red. Elfriede concludes that she has to make him blush more in the future.

“Right um- that was nice. Really nice. But er, I still have to go to work tomorrow and the whole Ehren problem is still, well. Y’know.”

“Oh, right. Yeah. I don’t know, try disassociating him from the one you remember from the war. Bring him to the kaiser’s arms or something and get talking about topics that aren’t the war.”

“Yeah but what if-“
Elfriede sighs for the 30 billionth time today.
“Okay, I’ll be there to look after you if you ever start freaking out again alright?”
“That… That wasn’t really my concern but sure I’ll take it I suppose.”
That er, debate? Counselling session? Whatever it was definitely drained the both of them of vim and vigour. Elfriede lets her arm dangle off the side of the couch while using her other hand to tightly grasp onto August’s own little grubby paws. The both of them close their eyes for a little rest. But soon enough the arms of sleep join them.

~0--0~

Elfriede wakes to an odd sensation felt on her limp hand hanging idly along the side of the couch. The feeling is strange indeed, it feels like wet sandpaper being dragged lightly over her hand. It continues for a while before it is replaced by something equally as wet and yet- Wait. Who or what the hell is gently biting her fingers? She expedites her usual wake-up routine of spending 10 minutes gently coaxing herself out of her own bed. She groggily rockets up to catch a glimpse of the culprit.

As she suspected. It’s Wolf. The cat, not the man, that’s kind of very obvious.

August’s eyelids open so very slightly.

“E- everything alright up there?”

“Uh. Yeah. Just. The cat bit me-“

August’s eyelids now shoot open.

“He did what?”

“Ugh no, calm down August I’m fine, he just did some light nibbling that’s all.”

August pulls her back down onto his chest and once again wraps one arm around her waist and uses his other to idly play with Elfriede’s very fluffy hair. He yawns.

“What time is it?”

The electric lights are open. Elfriede gazes out of one of the windows. It is pitch black outside.

“Uhhh.”

“Doesn’t matter. I’ve got my ray of sunshine right here~”

“Shut it you-~”

“Oh right SHIT I forgot to feed Wolf. U Elfriede mind getting off-“

Mornings like this were truly quite wonderful weren’t they?