Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Felix knows he’s always been a bit of a cry baby. He tries to pretend it’s something he embraces, that he isn’t ashamed of feeling his emotions and he’d rather be quick to tears than one of those unfeeling macho types. It’s true to an extent, he doesn’t think there should be anything wrong with boys crying and he especially wants fans who look up to him to know it’s okay to cry.

But he hates it sometimes.

He hates how noticeable it is when his feelings are hurt, how he can never hide the way his eyes start to well up and his mouth wobbles before he can bite his lip to stop it. He cries when he’s angry, always making himself look oversensitive and unreasonable as he tries to articulate his feelings. He cries when he’s happy, which isn’t as embarrassing as other circumstances, but he still feels insecure about it — especially when it takes him a long time to get it together. He cries at movies and at especially sentimental Subaru commercials, at weddings, and at funerals, during arguments, and when he’s overwhelmed by love for his boyfriend, friends, or fans. He just cries a lot. It makes him feel immature and embarrassed, but he really can’t help it.

Chan is the one that makes him feel less ashamed of it. Of course all of the members have helped and none of them were ever cruel to him over his tendency to cry easily (except for Woojin who’d seemed to delight in pointing it out every time Felix felt a lump in his throat). Jisung helps too, being an easy crier himself. But Chan is the one that has made him feel the most okay about it. Chan is the one that pulls him into his arms when he’s hurt or afraid and tells him to cry it out as long and as hard as he needs to. He’s the one who notices Felix tearing up at something silly and laughs, only teasing him good naturedly as he tells him it’s adorable that he feels so much so intensely. He holds him and kisses him and tells him it’s alright, helps him calm down, helps ground him, always promising time and time again that he isn’t put off by Felix’s tears, that he isn’t judging him.

It was through all that reassurance that Felix came to accept this part of himself at all, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s embarrassed and anxious about crying for stupid reasons. When he feels that way though, he goes to Chan. His best friend turned boyfriend always knows what to say. Chan is his person, his home, his safe place. He’s the one person Felix truly trusts with all of his heart to never judge him for his tears.

He’s already having a shitty day. He made a mistake in the choreography last night of their brand new song — it was only their second time performing it in front of an audience. He’d gotten the parts mixed up somehow and while he caught up quickly, his mistake left him out of formation with the others, making it insanely obvious that he’d messed up. Chan and the others had assured him it was fine — what’s a few seconds out of place in a two hour concert? But it gnawed at him and he hadn’t slept well because he was too busy overthinking it. On top of that, Chan had spent the night in Changbin’s hotel room working on music, which was fine, but Felix could have used their usual cuddling.

They had to get up at five a.m. to catch their flight and Chan had seemed a little on edge in the lobby. He didn’t appear to have slept much at all, but he wasn’t the kind of sleepy where he would pout and lean his head on Felix’s shoulder. He was the sort of tired where he didn’t have the energy to speak much, just sort of kept to himself, and went through the motions of checking out and piling into the van that would take them to the airport. It wasn’t like he was being mean or cold or anything, but Felix felt a little bad not being able to help much.

Still he sat next to Chan in the back of the van and guided his head to his shoulder anyways, pressing a soft kiss into his hair. “You okay?” He asked, voice low as he gave Chan’s knee a squeeze. As much as Chan takes care of him (and everyone around him), Felix likes to take care of him too. He doesn’t often care for himself well. “Did you get any sleep?”

“‘m okay,” Chan mumbles, nuzzling his cheek against Felix’s shoulder, eyes shut. “Didn’t really sleep. Couldn’t figure out this one part and it was driving me nuts.”

“Hyungie, you can’t pull all nighters on the road.”

“I know, I know, but I’ll sleep on the plane,” Chan sighs and presses a lazy kiss against the side of Felix’s neck. It’s a small act of affection, but it does relieve Felix that his boyfriend is only cranky and sleep deprived, not upset with him. He wishes he could shake that constant anxiety of someone being angry with him, but he’s gotten better at it.

They file out at the airport, putting on their best smiles for the cameras despite their tiredness, waving to fans waiting outside. The company’s security detail escorts them inside and Felix does his best to ignore the press of the crowd around them, keeping his head down and walking between Chan and Changbin. Being surrounded by the members helps as they make their way through the public portion of the airport towards the security line.

He really hates this part. It’s right between where the public can gather and the closed off section of the airport limited to only those with airline tickets departing soon. They’re still visible and there’s still cameras flashing as they line up and wait to be called to present their passport and ID. Today feels slower than ever.

Felix lingers behind Chan and pulls out his phone, trying to ignore the wall of noise not too far behind them as fans call out to the group from the barricade. Mindlessly, he opens TikTok only to see a video of himself on his ForYou page. It’s not an uncommon occurrence, he actually really likes to see the silly edits and compilations stays post online. This one though isn’t posted by a fan. It’s a close up of his mistake from last night, the video looping over and over, little arrows drawn to point out where he is and where he should have been.

His heart catches in his throat. It shouldn’t be a big deal. Everyone makes mistakes and it’s certainly nothing career threatening, but seeing the video and how clear the mistake was when he already felt so shitty about it… It has over a hundred thousand likes. The caption is something nasty about the group being talentless, which Felix would typically ignore, but he’s the face of that accusation. People are saying Stray Kids as a whole are a talentless group and his mistake is the example they’re using to prove it.

He feels his face heat up, the prick of hot tears welling up in his eyes. Please not now, not while they’re still in public. There are so many cameras on them.

Quickly, he shoves his phone in the front pocket of his hoodie and reaches to tug on Chan’s sleeve. “Hyung?” He croaks, stepping close with the expectation of comfort, but when Chan turns to him, he just looks exhausted.

“Lix?” He sees all the signs right away — Felix’s flushed face, his eyes big and watery, lower lip quivering. He’d probably known right away when Felix’s voice wavered calling out for him. Felix is already reaching out, thinking Chan will take his hand or just pull him close until they get through the security line. Instead, Chan brushes him off, shutting his eyes for a moment like it’s the only way to keep from rolling them before he lets out an exasperated sigh. “There’s still cameras, can you keep it together until we get through?”

Felix pauses, retracting his hand as Chan turns away from him to move forward in line. He feels like his heart is being squeezed in his chest, the tears welling up quicker as he blinks his eyes to try and drive them back. Chan doesn’t even look back to check on him, he just keeps moving. He bites his lip hard and follows the members forward in line, balling up his fist to dig his nails into the meat of his palm.

Don’t cry, do not fucking cry. You’re so pathetic. Even Chan’s embarrassed of you. Why can’t you handle anything? He’s sick of dealing with you all the time.

There’s a lump in his throat that aches when he shuffles up to the attendant, handing her his passport and ID, answering in a low voice when she asks his birthday. He hurries forward when he’s cleared and joins the other members, stepping close to Jisung instead of Chan. He was hurt enough by the stupid video of his mistake, but now, he feels completely crushed. This was Chan unfiltered, twenty-four hours of no sleep, little patience left. He hadn’t been worried or concerned when he saw Felix about to cry, he had been annoyed. This whole time, Felix thought Chan really didn’t judge him for being so sensitive, but has it been an annoyance all along? How much does Chan usually want to sigh and roll his eyes at him when he sees him being a stupid fucking cry baby about something?

“Felix?” Jisung asks in a quiet voice, ducking his head to see his face. “Hey, are you okay?”

Felix presses his lips into a line and nods his head. If he opens his mouth, he’ll start weeping like a little kid.

“Whoa, hey, what’s going on?” He frowns in concern and reaches for Felix’s wrist. “You look like you’re about to-“

“Don’t,” Felix croaks, sniffling a little and blinking his eyes some more. “I don’t want to cry. Chan seems mad at me and I’m afraid someone’s gonna see, I-I…” His mouth quivers.

“Bokkie.” Jisung sticks out his lower lip in sympathy, reaching back to pull Felix’s hoodie up for him, fixing his hair a little underneath it. “You don’t have to talk about it, don’t worry. Just stick by me.”

“Could you sit with me for take off?” Felix hates how pathetic he sounds asking, but Jisung at least won’t be mad at him if he starts to cry. “I know you want to sit with Minho-hyung, but-“

“Of course.” Jisung slings an arm around Felix’s shoulder and squeezes, walking with him to follow the group as Seungmin, the last in line, exits the security checkpoint. “Minho-ah can sit with Seungmin. He loves bothering him on long flights. Or he can sit next to Channie hyung and give him shit, what does he have to be mad at you for?”

“Thank you. Don’t worry about Chan-hyung, he’s just tired…” He leans into Jisung as they walk and tries again to swallow the feelings welling up from his chest. He’s grateful to have Jisung as they make their way to the gate. He’s just so hurt that he can’t reach out for Chan right now. He had looked at him like he was being such a nuisance back there and for the first time since first meeting Chan, he feels afraid that he sees him as someone too young and immature. Jisung rubs his back a little as they all walk to the gate and while he’s grateful for the touch, he feels pathetic for needing it.

He always sits next to Chan on flights too. They cuddle and hold hands during takeoff, leaning against one another to nap or sharing earbuds to watch a movie. Now he worries he’ll just annoy him. Chan needs to sleep anyways, not spend the flight tending to Felix’s dumb hurt feelings.

Jisung only leaves him for a minute and Felix blushes when he sees him whispering to Minho, having to explain that they can’t sit together because Felix needs him. Even though Minho nods in understanding, not seeming annoyed in the slightest, Felix feels awful. Why can’t he just take care of himself?

“Sungie, I’m sorry.” Felix winces. “You can sit with Minho-hyung. I’ll be fine.”

“It’s not a problem.” Jisung shrugs, elbowing him a little with a playful smile. “What, you don’t wanna sit next to your hyung? I’m a great plane buddy.”

“You are,” Felix answers with a weak smile.

Luckily, everyone is tired, so no one is doing much talking and no one seems to notice that he’s on the verge of tears. It hurts that Chan hasn’t said anything to him, hasn’t even glanced over his shoulder, but Felix tries to blame it on sleep deprivation. It must be exhausting to deal with a boyfriend who’s always weepy and sensitive over everything. He won’t bother Chan to take care of him today even if his feelings are hurt.

They file onto the plane after their staff have boarded. Felix nudges to the front of the group and walks ahead with Jisung, who ushers him into a window seat at the back of their section. Minho takes the aisle right across from them with Seungmin on his other side, so he can still be close to Jisung and Felix feels a rare pang of jealousy. He wishes Chan wanted to sit near him right now. He peers over the seats and sees his boyfriend mindlessly slide into a window seat a few rows up, Changbin sitting beside him. It makes his heart twinge — Chan doesn’t want to spend the flight with him. He didn’t look for him or anything.

“Lix, you look like someone just kicked a puppy in front of you,” Jisung says when Felix settles in his seat, his eyes all big and concerned. His voice is low so Hyunjin and Jeongin don’t hear them talking over the rumble of the plane engine. “What’s up?”

“It’s stupid.” Felix swallows, still determined not to cry. “I just… I feel really shitty about my mistake last night and when we were trying to go through security, I was feeling really overwhelmed. I tried to just go on my phone to drown out the noise, but I saw this popular TikTok someone made by replaying my mistake over and over and shitting on the group.”

“Oh.” Jisung sticks out his lower lip in sympathy, reaching out to squeeze Felix’s knee. “That sucks, Lix, I’m sorry. I know what that’s like. People make compilations of all the times I’ve forgotten the words to a verse or messed them up and they always get a ton of views.”

“Yeah, it just… it bummed me out and there were still so many people and cameras around, I got really anxious, so I tried to reach for Channie, but…” Felix feels his eyes well up and stops talking, pressing his lips together as he swallows them back. God, it’s such a tiny thing. His boyfriend took a bit of a tone with him and didn’t dote on him for crying, so now Felix can’t even talk about it without getting choked up? He’s so pathetic. He takes a deep breath and leans back in his seat, dragging the window shade shut, so the sun is out of his eyes. “He was all annoyed. He asked if I could just keep it together and then he turned away and totally ignored me.”

“He did?” Jisung frowns. “That doesn’t sound like hyung. Shit, I’m sorry Bokkie, that was mean of him. He’s probably just tired, you know?”

“I know.” Felix sniffs once and blinks his eyes a few times. “I’m just being sensitive. He didn’t sleep at all last night, he’s basically a zombie, but…

“But you reached out for him and he turned you down.” Jisung nods in understanding. “It’s okay to be upset by that. I worry a lot that I bother Minho with my panic attacks sometimes, but if I started having one and I went to him, it would really hurt if he turned me away.”

They both buckle their seatbelts as the plane starts to slowly move away from the gate and the pilot announcement crackles over the loudspeaker. It’s a six hour flight that most of them will sleep through. Felix is secretly grateful he’s still sitting next to Jisung, who will cuddle him a bit. He has trouble sleeping on planes.

He spends the majority of the plane ride fading in and out. He hugs one of Jisung’s arms and naps or rests his head against the window with Jisung’s head on his shoulder. In one of his bleary moments of awakeness between dozing off, he sees Chan get up, yawn, and stretch before drowsily nudging his way past Changbin. He walks down the aisle in Felix’s direction, probably just towards the bathroom, but Felix lifts his head instinctively, expecting a glance his way.

Chan doesn’t. He yawns again right as he passes Felix’s row, walking straight by him and Jisung to the small cabin bathroom at the end of the aisle. Felix hates how his heart sinks. What’s wrong with him, desperate for just a moment of eye contact? It can’t be healthy. Chan is still half asleep anyways, so what is Felix expecting? When he hears Chan coming their way again, he doesn’t expect anything this time, keeps his head down instead of craning his neck back. Then there’s a gentle tap on the top of his head.

“Hey.” Chan offers a sleepy smile, leaning over Felix’s seat from the empty row behind him. “Sorry, I knocked out right away. Are you getting any sleep?”

Felix blinks at him a moment. He must not even remember that he’d been on the verge of tears last time they exchanged words today. Maybe Chan was just really that exhausted? It doesn’t change Felix’s hurt that Chan is clearly much more annoyed with his tearful tendencies than he’s been letting on, but he feels a little better that Chan hasn’t been purposefully ignoring him. “I’ve been in and out,” he says back, unable to resist smiling a little as Chan’s fingers thread through his hair, scratching his scalp a little. It’s the casual easy affection that Felix is used to — a complete departure from the tired face that had seemed so annoyed by him before.

“I didn’t even notice you weren’t next to me until I got up to pee. I’ve apparently been snuggling with Changbin for like three hours.”

Felix snickers a bit, enjoying the gentle fingers still carding through his hair. “Sorry, I just thought I’d let you sleep.”

“Without my Lixie bear?” Chan asks in a fake baby voice that makes Felix roll his eyes and gag at him. He glances over at Jisung who is pointedly letting them be as he watches a video on his phone. “I’m probably just going to sleep some more, but we could shuffle the seats around if you wanted to come sit next to me.” He glances around to make sure no stray flight attendant is coming before planting a kiss on the top of Felix’s head. “Only if you want to.”

Felix’s heart softens, touched that Chan woke up wanting to see him, relieved that he isn’t annoyed or put off. He has his doubts that Chan really isn’t exasperated with his sensitivity in general, but it feels good to know he isn’t upset with him. “Yeah, I’ll come.”

They tap Jisung on the shoulder and orchestrate a shuffling of a tired Changbin into Minho’s seat, who then slides over to replace Felix next to Jisung. Felix gives Jisung a quick thank you squeeze for being there for him earlier before following Chan to his row.

Chan ushers him in to the window seat and sits down beside him, pulling out the blanket that was handed out to passengers and spreading it over the both of them. “Comfy?” He asks, tucking Felix’s hair back behind his ear before planting a kiss on his cheek.

“Mhm.” Felix tucks himself under Chan’s arm and rests his head on his shoulder, breathing in the familiar scent of his cologne. Chan’s morning routine is so set in stone, he does it on autopilot no matter how tired he is, always dabbing a scent of something behind his ears. The smell makes him feel warm and cozy. They cuddle so close when they sleep together, he’s come to associate Chan’s smell with that feeling of being right on the edge of sleep. That or sometimes it makes him crazy horny. Depends on the context. “Do you feel better?” He asks as he nuzzles his face into Chan’s neck, shutting his eyes. “You were cranky.”

“Was I?” Felix can hear the frown in his voice. “Sorry, I was so out of it.”

Out of it enough that he couldn’t mask how he really felt. Felix files that away for later and tries to focus on the fact that regardless of whether or not it revealed a larger problem, Chan didn’t mean to be cold to him earlier. He came and found him, wanting his company as soon as he was a little more present. So Felix says, “don’t worry about it,” and presses a few lazy kisses against the side of Chan’s neck just because it’s close to his lips. It’s so much easier to fall asleep with Chan’s arm around him, he’s already drifting off.

“Wake me up if you need something, kay?” Chan whispers as he rests his head against Felix’s. “No more zombie Chris.”

“Okay.” Felix laughs and reaches over to thread their fingers together, the edge of his anxiety finally softened by the return of his boyfriend’s usual caring demeanor. “Love you, hyung,” he says because it’s what they always say before they go to sleep at night. The hurt in his heart seems fully soothed when Chan kisses his forehead and murmurs a soft, “I love you too.”

He’ll just work harder on not getting on Chan’s nerves with his crying in the future. For now, they’re okay.

It’s nothing he can’t fix.

*****
Felix sets a goal for himself. No more crying in front of the guys, especially Chan, unless it’s something seriously worth crying over. It’s okay to tear up when their fans do something touching for them. It’s okay to cry if someone’s died. But he needs to get a grip. If he keeps sniveling over every little thing, how is Chan going to put up with him? Chan is always taking care of everyone, putting all the members before himself, running himself ragged to meet their needs before he even thinks about his own. Felix is his boyfriend, he should be taking things off of Chan’s shoulders, not making him deal with it every time he gets choked up over something. If that means he needs to hide away for a few minutes to cry it out by himself then fine, but hopefully, with enough practice, he can just stop crying so much in general.

He stops watching sad dramas to start. The romantic ones especially always get him sniveling and even though Chan has always cooed and called him cute when he saw him teared up over a cheesy tv show, Felix is sure that he won’t find it endearing forever.

He filters his social media more. Even though he enjoys lurking a bit in the fandom spaces to see all of the positivity, he painstakingly goes through all of his feeds and blocks key words having to do with himself and the group to avoid seeing the kind of hate or criticism that could potentially hurt his feelings.

He honestly does a pretty good job of mitigating emotional triggers and over a week goes by without him getting all teary eyed over something. Physical triggers are… more of a challenge.

In dance practice, he does everything he’s supposed to. He stretches even more than he has to before dancing, is careful and intentional with his form. It’s during the cooldown of all things that Felix twists his back just so and a flash of pain nearly brings him to his knees. His herniated disk is an injury that feels like all or nothing. Most of the time, he can’t feel it at all, but when something tweaks, it hurts so bad, he almost cries out. He manages not to make a sound and carefully rises to his feet, sweating as he balls a hand into a fist to keep quiet and slips out of the room while everyone is getting water and chatting.

He hurries into the bathroom across the hall and shuts himself inside, leaning against the door and gasping with the sob he’d been holding in. Fuck, he detests this injury and the way it can sneak up on him. It hurts so bad and it means he has to get those injections in his back again whenever it flares up this way. He puts a hand over his mouth and cries out what he can’t hold in, wondering if he can ask Chan to come with him to the upstairs clinic like he usually does or if that would be too needy. What if he gets choked up when it’s time for the needles? They scare him and they actually hurt a good deal. He wants to hold his boyfriend’s hand, but he doesn’t want Chan to see him crying over a treatment other people don’t blink an eye at.

In the end, he washes his face to hide that he’s been crying and texts Chan that his back is a little tweaked, so he’ll be going to the clinic before heading back to the dorm with everyone else. Chan texts back almost immediately, asking if he wants him to with and Felix thinks for a long minute before insisting he’s alright. He needs to do things on his own and Chan is probably tired after practice. He should get to rest instead of dragging himself up to the physical therapy office just to hold Felix’s hand.

So Felix goes on his own. He doesn’t leave the bathroom until he’s sure he doesn’t look like he’s been crying and then he carefully makes his way out to the elevator. He’ll have to go back for his dance bag and things when his back isn’t spasming, but he takes deep breaths and gets himself to the clinic. If he sheds a tear or two from discomfort when he’s face down with needles in his back, no one sees it but the doctor. Sure, a big part of him wishes he’d just caved and asked Chan to come with him, but it’s over fast enough and he isn’t in so much pain.

He goes back down to the rehearsal floor to pick his things up from the studio and makes his way home to the dorm. He’ll probably wash up and change then maybe go over to the other dorm to spend some time with Chan now that he’s not about to burst into tears from how fucked up his spine feels.

Surprisingly, Chan is already there. He’s freshly showered and dressed comfortably, a black apron tied snugly around his waist as he sets out two plates of kimchi fried rice. On the living room couch, Jisung is snuggled up with Minho, the two of them already eating. Everyone else seems to be scarce, probably napping.

“Hyung?” Felix sets his things down by the door and smiles when Chan turns to greet him.

“Hi baby, how are you feeling?” Chan’s smile is warm as can be as he turns off the oven and pads up to Felix, leaning in to kiss his cheek hello. “You kind of ran off, were they able to fix your back up?”

Felix melts, so full of relief that without him having some kind of tearful episode, Chan is still concerned and caring. He’s getting support and he didn’t embarrass himself by crying. Maybe his system is better like this, taking the comfort Chan already offers so willingly without being such a cry baby on top of it and asking for more. “Yeah, it feels a lot better now. The spasms were just pretty sudden, so I wanted to get it done right away.”

“Did they do the injections?”

“Yeah.” Felix winces and Chan frowns, looking even more concerned.

“Baby, you should’ve told me. I would have come with you — I know how much you hate those.” Chan tuts and tucks Felix’s hair back behind his ear. “Were you okay?”

“I was okay.” Felix leans in and gives Chan a kiss just to thank him for being so sweet, ignoring the wolf whistle Minho makes at them from the sofa. “You cooked?”

“Yeah, sit down and eat before you go shower. I can work on your back a little when you’re out.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to.” Chan leads Felix to one of the bar stools at the kitchen counter and sits him down, putting a plate and a glass of water in front of him. “Eat up,” he says and then proceeds to wash the dishes and clean the kitchen while Felix eats.

He really feels touched, knowing that Chan still sought him out. Maybe he isn’t as much of a burden as he thinks he is, but it still seems worthwhile to keep from crying in front of him. This way, Chan can show up in the ways that he wants to.

He showers as soon as he’s finished eating, running the water extra hot and sighing at the relief it gives his sore muscles. His back feels much better. It had sucked going through the treatment by himself, but he’d gotten through it hadn’t he? No big deal.

Felix towels off and makes his way to his room post-shower to find the lights already dimmed and Chan waiting for him. There’s a towel spread out on top of the bed and another over the pillows, lotion on the night stand.

“Down.” Chan cocks his head towards the towel on the bed and grins. “On your stomach.”

“Channie.” Felix pouts even as he unwraps his towel from around his hips and hangs it on the hook of his closet door. “You don’t have to massage me. Really, aren’t you tired?”

“I like taking care of you. Trust me, putting my hands all over your naked body is not a chore.” Chan gestures again to the towel and Felix blushes, walking up to the bed and obediently lying face down, arms folded beneath a pillow to cushion his head. They’re not home alone or anything. He can hear the distant sound of a movie in the living room and Seungmin gaming in the bedroom next door, so he wonders if Chan wants to fuck after the massage. Felix sort of hopes he does. They don’t have a ton of sex when the dorm is packed, but he’s no stranger to clamping a hand over his mouth while Chan fucks him stupid.

Chan shucks his joggers, leaving him in just a pair of clingy boxer briefs as he grabs the lotion and crawls onto the bed. As if he does this every day, he swings one leg over Felix’s hips and takes a seat right on his ass, pumping some of the lotion into his hand. “Tell me where it hurts and where it feels good, okay?”

“Okay,” Felix whispers, biting his lip as strong hands smooth the warm lotion up his spine, the pressure gentle.

Felix could care less about the actual health of his back at the moment. He loves being touched. He loves when Chan scratches his back or plays with his hair, keeps a hand on his knee, or holds him close. He shivers at the first touch, eyes fluttering shut as Chan’s hands work him over. “There’s good,” he sighs when the heel of Chan’s palm presses down just below his shoulder blade. “Mm, hyung…”

“Right here?” Chan gently kneads the muscle and Felix hums his satisfaction, relishing the warmth where their skin meets as Chan works out the tension.

Quietly, Chan finds all the places his hands can soothe and gets to work, massaging out any hint of stress until Felix is lax and tranquil underneath him. He slides his hands up his sides, bending over to kiss along Felix’s shoulders, up the back of his neck until he shivers. Then he moves downward, sliding back, so he can access Felix’s thighs, his ass.

Felix giggles the first time Chan grabs his ass and squeezes, but his dick starts to stiffen when lotion-slick hands glide down, skimming along the sensitive insides of his thighs, easing his legs further apart. He sighs, letting Chan know he feels good as those hands slide back upwards, teasing him with the prospect of being truly spread open.

“How do you feel, baby?” Chan asks, his voice gentle, like he’s ready to accept any answer at all. If Felix said he wanted to go to sleep, Chan would wipe down his skin to get rid of any excess lotion and tuck him right into bed. Felix doesn’t want to go to sleep.

“Mnn, I’m hard,” he whines quietly, shifting his hips a little to rub himself against the towel beneath his hips. “Want you.”

“Yeah? How do you want me?”

“Don’t make me say it.”

“But I love when you say it.” Felix can hear the grin in his voice without having to turn his head. “Plus, I can’t read your mind, Lixie,” Chan teases. “I don’t know which way you want me unless you say it.”

“…Could you fuck me like this?” Felix asks in a quiet voice, still shy every time Chan wrangles him into dirty talk. Deep down, there’s a whole world of kinks Felix would be down to explore if he could just get over how mortifying it feels to say things out loud.

Chan makes a pleased sound and grabs Felix’s ass with both hands, spreading him properly and sighing at the sight like he’s admiring a painting or a landscape and not an incredibly embarrassing part of Felix’s body. “Can you keep quiet?”

Felix nods his head and keens, arching his back and lifting his hips into Chan’s touch. He can feel Chan’s eyes on him, his gaze burning. The pad of his thumb brushes over Felix’s hole and he shivers, fingers curling into the bed sheets beneath him.

“Stay right here for me,” Chan says, pulling away and sliding out of bed to fetch the lube and a condom from the bedside drawer. Felix wasn’t going to ask him to wear one, but he appreciates that he won’t have to shower a second time. He watches as Chan drops his underwear, biting his lip at the sight of his cock, already stiff just from massaging him. Felix takes the opportunity to position himself a little better, keeping his head on the pillow with his arms folded beneath as he rises up on his knees.

“Pretty baby,” Chan teases, ducking down and planting a sweet kiss on Felix’s lips. “Tell me if something hurts, okay? Be careful with your back.”

“I will.” Felix reaches a hand out to curl around the back of Chan’s neck and pull him in for another kiss, sighing softly against plump lips as his tongue brushes Chan’s. As much as he likes the position he’s currently in, he loves kissing Chan. It makes everything around them fade away, his mind becoming singularly focused with the tender way their lips press together. “Love you,” he whispers, pulling back from the kiss only because he’s eager for Chan to get behind him.

“Love you too, Lix,” Chan says, his smile as genuine as ever as he nuzzles their noses together and gives Felix one more peck on the lips before going to get in position.

Chan doesn’t get to work right away. He settles on his knees between Felix’s legs and then lies over him, kissing the freckles along his shoulders and ghosting his lips along his neck to make him shiver. Only when Felix starts to whine and squirm does he slick up two fingers and gently work him open.

Felix keeps quiet, but he allows himself a low groan when Chan’s fingers insist on massaging his prostate dead on. He’s grateful for the towel underneath him, his dick untouched, but practically dripping. He always gets messy when he’s really aroused, something he’d been insecure about, but that Chan claims is sexy. When Chan scissors his fingers, focusing more on stretching him, his other hand comes around to wrap around Felix’s dick, playing with him to distract from the discomfort.

“Channie hyung,” Felix sighs, just wanting to say his name as Chan’s thumb rubs deliciously around his tip, stirring a heat deep within him. He feels so relaxed and warm, his body worn out from a long day of practice and then molded by Chan’s deft hands. The fingers inside him feel welcome, stretching him a way that feels satisfying rather than painful, always so careful. He hears the tearing of foil, pouts when Chan’s hands leave him, so he can roll the condom on.

“Needy,” Chan chuckles, slicking himself up and spreading a little extra lube around Felix’s entrance to ease the way. He doesn’t tease him much, maintaining the relaxation he’d created with the massage rather than getting Felix too keyed up. He puts his strong hands on Felix’s hips and lines up, sighing when he nudges inside.

Felix stays lax, humming in content as Chan slowly eases in, pushing forward than backing up an inch or two only to push in deeper. He repeats the process until he’s flush against Felix’s ass, allowing himself a quiet moan under his breath that makes Felix’s heart flutter. He loves knowing he can make Chan feel good. God, he feels so perfectly full. The stretch is just right, making him feel it, but not enough to hurt. The pressure on his prostate makes him yearn for more and his dick is hanging hard and heavy between his legs, just begging to be played with. “You can move, Channie,” he sighs, shutting his eyes and curling his fingers in the bedsheets just to hang on to something. “Won’t be too loud, I promise.”

“I’ll find some place special to take you soon,” Chan murmurs, his voice breathy and low as he starts to rock his hips, shallow thrusts at first to test the waters, but they’re enough that Felix has to bite his lip. “Some place nice and private where you can be loud for me.” He picks up the pace, pulling Felix back against him by the hips to make him meet with each thrust of his own.

“Wanna be loud for you so bad,” Felix breathes, each snap of Chan’s hips sending sparks of pleasure through him. Fuck, he would love the freedom to just make as much noise as he likes. He wants Chan to know how good he feels, wants to be able to whimper and moan without worrying about someone overhearing. He whines with his lips closed to keep the sound muted as Chan sets a pace, fucking him steadily with practiced precision. Felix relishes the sensation of Chan’s fingers pressing into his hips, occasionally sliding over to the curve of his ass. He knows Chan is resisting the urge to spank him. He loves to smack his ass in this position, but the sound would be too loud, would give them away. The guys probably know they’re fucking in here, but especially as leader, Chan is pretty adamant about minimizing the effect their relationship has on the members. In moments like this though, Felix feels so good, he’s almost tempted to throw caution to the wind, to let them hear whatever sound makes it through the walls.

His flexibility makes this position comfortable and easy, the towel soft under his knees, his back arched enough to give Chan perfect access without it hurting. His whole body is warm, skin already heated from the friction of the massage, and now burning as he presses a hand over his lips to stifle his sounds.

“So beautiful like this,” Chan grits, struggling to keep quiet himself as he pumps himself back and forth in the tight heat. He smooths one hand up Felix’s back, always touching him in some way outside of where they’re joined, always reminding him that they’re doing something more than just fucking. “You have no idea, Lixie, fuck.”

Felix whimpers against his hand, toes curling. He’s so weak for Chan’s praise. He remembers when he was a trainee and Chan would push him harder than the others, trying to assure his debut. He remembers how hard it had been to take his criticisms, but also how elated he’d felt to win his compliments. Chan’s praise is addicting. It’s hard earned, but Felix earned it. He earned Chan seeing him as someone he could love and Felix intends to keep it that way — no more fucking up how far he’s come with petty crying fits over nothing at all.

He’s starting to feel close, stuck on the precipice without anything touching his dick, but just when he’s about to break and ask Chan to touch him, a hand reaches around.

“Hyung,” Felix gasps when Chan takes him in his hand, his hips twitching to try and simultaneously press forward into his boyfriend’s fist and back against his cock. He’s trapped in the best way possible. He can feel his orgasm just within his reach and he has to avoid the temptation to chase it. Instead, he shuts his eyes and covers his mouth in anticipation, relaxing completely and trusting Chan to bring him over the brink. The moment he gives up control, allows himself to be fully overtaken by Chan’s touch, he comes with a muffled sob against his palm. He feels his body tense and contract around Chan inside of him, his cock shooting wet ribbons of come over the towel beneath him, some landing on his abs, some smearing over Chan’s fist. He trembles everywhere, toes curled, and thighs shaking as wave after delicious wave rolls through him.

Chan only fucks him harder, faster, chasing his own release as the rhythmic tensing of Felix’s muscles around him becomes too much to bear. He comes with a cut off groan that sounds almost like a whine with the way his closed lips stifle it, followed by a series of soft little noises that escape him as he rocks his hips into Felix along a locked-in rhythm. Felix loves the sound. He loves when Chan is vulnerable with him, when he gets to see how good he feels. They’ve only tried it a few times, but on the rare occasion Felix has gotten Chan to try bottoming, he’d made the softest most precious little sounds the entire time. Felix wishes he had them recorded just so he could play them on repeat, listen to his strong responsible hyung fall apart on his dick. He feels a twinge in his spent cock just at the noises Chan makes now, sighing in content when he stops thrusting.

Chan stays still, letting Felix relax around him, stroking his back as they both come down and catch their breath. He traces little patterns, connecting the dots between Felix’s freckles until the ticklish sensation makes him giggle. “Cute,” Chan says before giving Felix’s ass a gentle pat and easing back to pull out slowly. “Turn over for me, love.”

Felix obeys, rolling onto his back and smiling up at Chan, dazed with his eyes half lidded, feeling warm and perfectly sated.

Chan disposes of the condom in the small trash can near the bed and takes the baby wipes from the nightstand drawer, cleaning himself off before coming over to Felix. This part used to make Felix feel embarrassed. As soon as they were done having sex, he’d run off to the bathroom to clean himself up even if his knees were still wobbly. Now, he’s more than content to lie back and let Chan take care of him. Chan cleans off his stomach and wipes down his inner thighs, carefully cleaning off his dick and sticking his lower lip out in sympathy when the oversensitivity makes Felix wince.

Once they’re both cleaned up, Chan has Felix roll off of the towel, tossing it in the laundry hamper before finally crawling back over him.

“Hi.” Felix grins up at Chan, relishing in the sight of his bare face and natural curly hair. His face is still flushed from the pleasure and exertion of sex and Felix feels so fond, it’s like his heart is a tender bruise in his chest. He loves this boy so much. Chan takes care of him so well, how could Felix ever ask for more? Shouldn’t he take care of Chan too? He combs his fingers through Chan’s hair and watches him nuzzle into the touch. “My handsome hyungie,” he coos when he leans in to kiss the side of Chan’s nose. He always talks about how he thinks it’s too big, but it’s one of Felix’s favorite features. He always makes sure to give it a little extra love.

“Does your back feel okay?” Chan asks, a sweet smile on his face as Felix continues to press soft kisses to his cheeks, his jaw, the corner of his mouth, fingers still stroking his hair the way Chan likes.

“Everything feels perfect.” Felix pulls him down with a hand on the back of his neck and melts into a kiss.

He could do this forever. Even without the covers, he’s so warm with Chan on top of him, skin to skin all over as they kiss again and again. These aren’t the hurried eager kisses of foreplay, these are the languid indulgent kisses of the afterglow. They kiss slowly, the rhythm gentle as an ebbing tide, back and forth. Felix cherishes how close he feels to Chan in these moments, how special it is to be able to connect to him this way. He doesn’t know what he’d do if he ever lost this.

“I love you,” Felix murmurs, sliding his hands up to cup Chan’s face and giving him one more cute little peck on the very tip of his nose. “Thanks for taking such good care of me.”

“I didn’t do anything special, Lix. Making love isn’t me taking care of you, it’s something we do together.”

“I know, but you cooked me dinner and you cleaned me up and you’re just…” Felix pouts. “You’re so good to me. I’m worried that I don’t return the favor enough.”

“None of this is a favor. I love you, so I want to do these things. I love being close and spending time with you.” Chan smooths the hair out of Felix’s face and kisses his forehead. “You’re not a favor, little one. You’re the best part of my day.”

Felix’s heart flutters and he curls his arms around Chan’s shoulders, pulling him down into a hug and forcing him to finally let his weight rest against him. He squeezes tight when Chan nuzzles his head cutely into the crook of his neck, pressing a few kisses there that make Felix hum in delight.

Maybe he is overreacting. Maybe it’s okay to cry in front of Chan over little things if he needs to. Maybe he’s being too hard on himself. He’s still worried about annoying him, seeing that exhausted and inpatient look that he got in the airport, but it’s hard to imagine the sweet boy in his arms turning him away again. Felix can work on reducing his crying, but… he should have a little more faith in Chan. He should trust him.

They eventually put on a minimal amount of clothing and put a movie on, Chan agreeing to stay the night rather than go back to his own room. For the first time in a while, Chan actually dozes off first. Halfway through the movie, his head is on Felix’s shoulder, his breathing deep and even. Felix is honestly touched. Chan is such an insomniac that for him to fall asleep early with him is pretty meaningful. He turns off the TV and gently maneuvers a half-awake Chan into lying down, giggling when Chan immediately snuggles into him, throwing an arm over his waist and hiking a leg up over his thigh before falling right back asleep.

Felix holds him close and kisses the top of his head, relieved to see him sleeping properly for once. He makes a new resolution — he’s going to keep trying to quit being such a cry baby, but the next time he really can’t hold back his tears, he’s going to go to Chan like he used to. He trusts him too much to assume the worst.

*****

Felix makes it another two weeks without feeling the need to run to his boyfriend with tears in his eyes. It helps that the tour is over, that even though they’re still sleep deprived and busy as hell with comeback preparation, they have more of the comfort of routine and the extra emotional toll of jet lag and performing isn’t weighing on him. He’s still resolved not to hide it if he really needs comfort, but so far, he’s been fine. Chan has even been especially loving lately — not that he wasn’t before, but he’s just been sweeping Felix off his feet the past couple of weeks. He’s been coming to sleep with Felix more often, cutting back a little on his all nighters in the recording studio. He’s been really cuddly and affectionate, holding his hand often, kissing him more in front of the guys. He’s always been doting and affectionate, but lately, Felix just feels like they’re in such a good place.

It’s late in the evening and Felix is unwinding by himself, grateful for a little time to rest and play video games. Chan is in the studio and he said he would be there until late, but that he’d still come over and sleep with Felix afterwards. Felix is glad he’s been doing that more. Chan sleeps better with him than by himself and Felix doesn’t mind at all when his sleepy boyfriend crawls into bed with him at any hour of the night. He’s in a good mood, feeling relaxed, sore from practice but not so sore that he’s in pain. He’s thinking of asking the rest of the guys in his dorm if they want to watch a movie together when his dad calls.

He looks at the contact photo on the screen for a long time, wondering if he could let it ring out, text back later saying he was rehearsing, but a pang of guilt makes him pick up the phone. His family never sees him anymore, what kind of son is he to screen their phone calls? Or at least his dad’s… He loves to hear from his mom and his sisters, but sometimes with his dad…

“Dad, hi!” Felix answers with a little too much added enthusiasm, cringing at himself as he takes his phone and flops down onto his bed. “I just finished practice, how is everything?” He listens patiently as his dad rambles about this and that — yard work and his sister’s college applications, the weather, and the news. Their calls always start out this way and Felix stays relatively quiet as he listens, wondering when the inevitable turn in conversation will come. Eventually, there’s a long pause on his dad’s end of the line.

“I uh… I saw that big magazine spread you did. Your mom brought it home. What is it, V or something?”

“W,” Felix says, his chest already tightening with anxiety. “It was W Korea.”

“Yeah that’s the one.”

“Did you… like it?” He asks carefully, hoping for once that despite the progressive fashion and feminine image he’s once again put out for the world to see, his dad will at least pretend to have enjoyed it.

“It was… interesting.”

“Oh.” Felix’s heart sinks. “Yeah, um… It was. I had a lot of fun doing it.”

“Can’t exactly send this one to the grandparents though, can we?” His dad says with a chuckle, but the grain of truth in his question is all too evident in his tone. “For the next one, are you sure they can’t tone it down a little? I mean, kid, all these skirts they’re putting you in and all the makeup… Can’t you tell them to dress you more like a boy?” He laughs again, but Felix knows that’s just his way of keeping his criticisms masked. He hates it. He hates the magazine shoot just like he hates it every time Felix shows his femininity or mentions his queerness.

He’d told his parents he was gay in high school and his mom and sisters accept him, though his mom sometimes is a little awkward talking about it. His dad, on the other hand, seems to pretend it never happened, like Felix is still going to bring a girl home one day. They don’t know that Chan is anything more than a great friend to him. Chan worries about breaking the news to his own parents that he’s in love with a boy. They’re just not there yet.

“Well, you know, I kind of just wear what the stylists pick out,” Felix mumbles. It’s not entirely a lie, but he was the one that requested the skirts. He’s the one that pushes for his image to be more androgynous. “I thought it looked really cool.”

“I just would like to share your success with the rest of the family, but these photos aren’t exactly appropriate.”

Tears sting at Felix’s eyes. He was really proud of that photoshoot. He’d gotten to play a big creative role in it that he usually doesn’t get to and he was so happy about being given the freedom to play with his gender expression a bit. “I… I didn’t think it was that bad,” he swallows and hears the exasperated sigh on the other end.

“Just try not to dress like a girl so much, okay? Think about your grandmother.”

“Dad, it’s just-“

“Felix.” His voice is serious, the pitch low and Felix can practically see his concerned expression through the phone. “I know you think that you’re… that way, but you aren’t in Australia anymore. If people in your industry think that you’re…” He lets the silence fill in the blank. “You could lose your whole career. You could take all your friends down with you. Photos like this are just broadcasting the wrong message about you to the world, so tone it down, okay? We don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.”

Felix’s mouth wobbles as hot tears fill his eyes. He holds the phone away, so his dad won’t hear him sniffle as he fights to swallow the lump in his throat. As soon as he can speak evenly, he brings the phone back near his face. “Okay, Dad,” he answers, feeling the first tear roll down the side of his face, but he won’t let his voice give it away. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, kid, we’re very proud of you. I’m just looking out for your best interest.”

“I know.”

“Everyone’s looking forward to seeing you at Christmas, you know.”

“Me too.” Felix swallows, trying to tamper the hurt in his chest. This is how his dad reacts to an androgynous picture of him in a magazine, what will he say when he finds out about Chan? Will he hate him? He knows that he shouldn’t care, that his dad’s homophobic opinion shouldn’t mean anything, and also that in terms of ignorance, he still has it really good compared to others. Some people get thrown out on the street when they tell their parents they’re gay. Felix’s dad just… feels ashamed of him for it. And that hurts. It hurts more than he thought it would even though his father has been this way about it the entire time. Some part of Felix always thinks he’s going to come around. “I um… I gotta go wash up and help with dinner. I’ll talk to you soon, Dad.”

“Alright, talk soon.”

Felix mumbles a goodbye and hangs up, throwing his forearm over his eyes as he lets out a quiet sob. Fuck, he had been doing so much better at crying less, but this shit with his dad always gets him. He just feels like such a disappointment no matter what. He’s always tried to be a good kid. He always had good grades and he never got in trouble. He kept his faith and had been active in church his whole childhood. He knows his parents were disappointed in him when he left for Korea, but he proved himself and they’re glad that he did it now. But no matter what he does, he’ll still be gay. Their only son is still going to be a queer. If it was just his mom and sisters, he would feel okay, but with his dad, how can he ever tell them about Chan? He has someone he loves so much that makes him so happy and he can’t even share it with his family.

He wipes his eyes and snivels, sitting up and looking hesitantly over at his shoes. Chan is nearby in the studio. The dorms are adjacent to the company building, Felix could be with him in five minutes if he wants to. Should he go?

He told himself that he would go to Chan if he was crying about something real, something a normal person would cry about. That’s what this is, isn’t it? Ugh, he feels like an embarrassment to his whole family. He feels like his dad will never be proud of him unless he marries a woman. He feels broken and ashamed and guilty for being a bad son no matter how illogical he knows it is. This isn’t just him being sensitive, he really feels like sobbing and he shouldn’t have to feel that way alone.

He’ll go to Chan. He’ll go to the person he loves most in the world and trust that he’ll be met with comfort and understanding even if Chan is a little busy when Felix arrives. Plus, Jisung and Minho are together at the other dorm and he doesn’t want to burden his straight dongsaengs, Seungmin and Jeongin, with all of his daddy issues. He needs his boyfriend, his hyung, his best friend.

Felix runs a hand through his hair to neaten it and slides out of bed, toeing on his shoes and grabbing a beanie for the cold. Chan had left his hoodie on his desk chair the night before, so he takes that too, tucking his hands into the kangaroo pocket and breathing in the familiar scent of him.

He grabs his keys on the way out and does his best to contain his emotion. He just needs to hold it in for a few minutes. He trusts that when Chan sees him, he’ll be able to let it all out in the comfort of someone he feels safe with. For now, he just needs to get to him.

Felix walks quickly out of the dorms and through the brisk night air, watching his feet as he goes, swiping himself into the company building and making a beeline for the elevator closest to the entrance before someone can recognize him and say hello. His stomach hurts with anxiety and the lump in his throat aches from the effort of holding everything in as he shuts himself in the elevator. He hates the effect his dad has on him, how a little scolding and some mild disappointment makes him want to curl up in a ball, but it just hurts him. He’s so far from home. He wants to know his family is proud of what he’s doing over here, but apparently, he’s just an embarrassment.

The elevator rushes him up to the fourteenth floor where the recording studios reside. At this time of night, there won’t be many people around other than producers and idols like Chan who shut themselves in a sound booth to work all night long.

As he steps out into the empty hallway and looks down at where the door to 3RACHA’s studio room is, he takes a deep breath.

He’s sure Chan will understand.

Chapter Text

Chan thinks something in his brain is broken tonight. He’s been trying session after session, but company leadership hasn’t heard a single in any of the songs he’s pitched for weeks now. Too political, too adult, not catchy enough. All of his love songs come out way too obviously about Felix. He’s running out of things to write about — all of his inspiration is from topics the company won’t approve of.

But he carries on, trying again and again, searching for a sound that sticks, but he’s getting frustrated. He’s been trying to take better care of himself lately. He’s been spending less late nights at the studio and coming home to Felix instead, trying to sleep a normal human amount and spend more time with the person he loves. He’s felt a lot better overall, but it’s a kick to the teeth when the lost studio time comes back to bite him in the ass. It’s a give and take. He can put in less hours writing and recording, but when writer’s block hits him and he’s not making the most of the hours he has in the booth, the stress really starts to set in.

Chan deletes the tracks on his screen and swears under his breath, going back to the drawing board for the fourth time tonight. If the company would just let him write what he really wants, he could create something incredible. When he’s able to write purely with the group in mind, with his own artistic voice, with his ideas, he makes music he loves, but right now, when his goal is just to make something the company will like, he’s completely stuck.

He feels the beginning of a migraine coming on. He has nothing to show for the time he’s spent here tonight, meaning he has hours ahead of him before he can even think about going home. Maybe he shouldn’t have been turning in earlier after all. Both Changbin and Jisung have spent later nights in the studio the past week and made much more progress than he has. Of course, they’ve had productive sessions together, but as writers and producers, it’s important to have time alone with their own ideas, their own creative process. Except right now, Chan is the only one with nothing to show for his.

He rubs at his eyes and huffs, reaching for the half empty water bottle beside him and chugging the remainder in the hopes a little hydration might stop the migraine, but the ache behind his eyes is persistent, throbbing. He hates this. Music is the one thing he’s good at and when he can’t make his usual magic happen, he feels worthless.

He just needs to focus and grind this out. He can do it. He gave Jisung and Changbin strict instructions not to bother him tonight or intervene in any way. Knowing he’s had a bit of writer's block this week, he wanted to tough it out and prove he can crank out a good song on his own even if he’s having some creative obstacles. So far though, he’s only proving himself wrong.

What’s the matter with him?

He tries another beat and hates it.

He tries mixing a new sample he’d been keeping in his back pocket into something fresh and new, but none of it sounds better than the original.

He tries free styling and seeing what comes out if he just lets himself word vomit, but his mind goes blank after barely a stanza’s worth of lines.

He feels like crying.

Is he even worthy of being the leader? So much of Stray Kids’ fate rests in the hands of 3RACHA, but right now, Chan is hardly pulling his weight. Maybe he just isn’t good enough anymore. Maybe he should leave the bulk of the song writing to Jisung and Changbin this time around.

Chan tears a page out of his notebook and swears again, squeezing his eyes shut in a mix of pain and frustration as the pain in his head starts to pound in his temples. He’s so frustrated and angry with himself, he wants to throw a tantrum, like he’s a kid again, trying his fucking hardest to do his math homework and getting every question wrong anyways. What’s the point? Hot tears sting at his eyes and his only brief solace is the relief that he’s alone, that no one is seeing him like this. He’s honestly about to shout and swear just to get the awful angry feeling out of his system when a knock at the studio door nearly startles him out of his chair.

Are they fucking kidding? Chan does not want to be seen right now and he gave Changbin and Jisung incredibly explicit instructions to leave him alone tonight. What more does he have to say? Can anyone respect his space for fight fucking minutes? He stays glaring at the torn pave in his notebook, fists clenched as the door swings open and he snaps without so much as looking over his shoulder. “I need to be left the fuck alone right now, what could you possibly want?!” He seethes, the words still coming out much more harshly than he’d ever intend. It’s just the worst timing. He’s in a low moment. He doesn’t want to be seen and he asked his friends to stay away. Why can’t they give him that? Why are they here?

Chan whips around, glaring, only to freeze at the unexpected sight in front of him.

It’s not Jisung or Changbin.

Felix is looking at him, tears rolling down his cheeks, his expression a mix of shock and such gut wrenching hurt that Chan feels his heart plummet. His lips are parted as if he was just about to call Chan’s name, but was cut off by his outburst, leaving him hanging with the words caught in his throat.

“Felix-“ Chan stands, intent on rushing towards him to apologize a million times over, but Felix just takes a step back from him and sobs.

“Nevermind, leave me alone,” Felix cries, hastily wiping his cheeks and backing out into the hall. “I’m going away, just do your fucking work.”

“Baby, wait, please, please, I didn’t know it was you.” Chan goes rushing after him, stepping out into the hall and following Felix’s back as he heads towards the elevator. His heart is pounding and he feels sick to his stomach. Felix had already been crying when he opened the door. He’d come to the studio for a reason. He’d come looking for him and Chan had bitten his head off the second he opened the door. “Lix? Lix, please, I’m so sorry, I thought you were someone else.”

“You clearly don’t want to be interrupted, so just go back and forget I was here,” Felix croaks, reaching the elevator doors and hastily pressing the down arrow. The indicator above says the elevator is almost ten floors away, leaving him stuck waiting for it while Chan searches frantically for the right thing to say.

“I’m so sorry I snapped at you like that, jagiya, I didn’t know it was you,” Chan pleads. “Tell me what’s wrong. You came looking for me for a reason, yeah? Please, tell me whatever it is. I’m here for you, I was just… I-I thought you were Bin-ah or someone and I told them not to help me in the studio tonight. I would never yell at you like that.”

“I know you hate it when I cry like this,” Felix says and he looks so defeated as another sob escapes his lips. He’s keeping his head down, looking at his feet instead of at Chan. Chan sees a teardrop run down the bridge of his perfect freckled nose and drip onto the floor as he blinks at him, dumb founded.

“What?” Chan shakes his head. “Baby, where would you ever get that idea? I don’t hate it when you cry. I’m always here for you, why would I… Lix?” The elevator dings and the doors slide open, Felix rushing inside and punching the button for the ground floor like it’s offended him.

“I’ll deal with it on my own,” Felix sniffles, looking up so Chan sees his beautiful eyes turned pink and wet with tears before the elevator doors shut in his face and he’s gone.

He’s gone.

Chan spends a moment just blinking at the elevator doors, trying to compute everything that just happened in the span of less than a minute. Did that really just happen? It feels like one of his nightmares, the kind that’s more like a stress dream than any kind of surrealist horror. He’s always been so careful not to let Felix see this despised part of himself, his anger, the feeling that makes him feel like his dad when his temper used to scare Chan and his siblings. He didn’t even just raise his voice at Felix, he cursed at him. He chased him away when Felix was obviously coming to him with a problem.

Chan’s eyes well up as the realization hits him all at once. This happened. He screamed in the face of the person he loves most in the world and he showed someone precious the ugliest side of himself. He backs up from the elevator and walks quickly down the hall back towards the studio, rushing to shut himself away, to hide from the world before someone can see him. His breath is picking up as he goes, sharp shallow breaths that seem to deliver less and less oxygen with each gasping intake.

His fingers tremble as he punches in the passcode and opens the door, shutting it tight behind him as his feet carry him past the desk and into the sound booth. He shuts that door too, isolating himself in the soundproof booth just in time to press his head against the wall and scream.

He hates himself. He hates that he gets angry. It’s bad enough that he hurt Felix, but the worst part of it all is that he scared him. He saw the startled look in Felix’s eyes, the way he was frightened, even if it was just a fleeting moment. Felix had opened that door seeking support from his boyfriend and he’d gotten screamed at.

He’s crying now, his vision bleary and his nose snotty as he hiccups, trying to take a deep breath, but coming up short. There was a time when Chan would make himself get through this alone — hyperventilate until he felt like fainting, cry everything out where no one could hear him, maybe even hurt himself a little if it would make the panic attack end, but he’s not supposed to do that anymore. Even though he feels like an asshole, like someone who doesn’t deserve an ounce of comfort from anyone right now, he pulls his phone out and texts.

To: Changbinnie
I’m sorry I know I said no one should bother me tonight

To: Changbinnie
But I fucked up really bad

He sniffles and lets himself out of the sound booth after sending the messages, wiping his eyes and trying to get a handle on his breathing when his phone buzzes.

From: Changbinnie
You okay hyung??

From: Changbinnie
I’ll be right there 🏃🏻 💨

Chan almost smiles, grateful for the way Changbin can make any heavy situation feel lighter, but he’s miserable as he drops onto the studio couch, scrubbing a tired hand over his face.

Why did Felix say Chan hates when he cries? He’s never thought that before. If anything, he just feels bad when Felix cries so easily, knowing it can sometimes embarrass him. But if anything, Chan always felt special that Felix would trust him with his tears. Lately, Felix hasn’t been crying all that much, which couldn’t be a bad thing, could it? It feels like there’s something big that he’s missing and he doesn’t know what it is. He can’t even ask Felix to talk to him about it because how the hell is Felix supposed to feel safe and comfortable being vulnerable with him ever again after Chan just cursed him out of the studio? Another sob bubbles up from his lips and he hopes he can stop his own blubbering before Changbin arrives. Unlike the angelic way his boyfriend tends to weep, Chan considers himself to be an absolutely hideous crier and he’s not keen on being seen mid-panic attack. But he’d promised Felix a long time ago that he’d always reach out to someone if it happened. He’s fucked up enough without breaking a promise to Felix on top of everything.

A heavy knock on the door sounds and Chan feels his stomach twist. He shouldn’t be burdening his friend like this, especially one of his members, someone younger than him even if they’re best friends. This isn’t Changbin’s job.

“Hyung? I’m coming in, yeah?” Changbin warns before he punches the password in and enters the room, shutting the door quickly behind him. He’s dressed in joggers and a black t-shirt, his hair natural and a little fluffy, face adorned with just glasses — his usual cozy style. Chan is relieved he didn’t interrupt him at the gym or about to go out.

“Um…” Chan’s mouth wobbles as he looks up at his friend. “Hey?”

“Hyung…” Changbin blinks at him. “What happened?”

“I-I um…” Chan shrugs his shoulders and sniffs, the lump in his throat aching as he tries to swallow it. “I think I might have made Felix hate me.”

“What?” Changbin laughs and comes over to sit by his side, throwing an arm around his shoulders and squeezing. “Hyung, Felix thinks you hung the moon. He fawns every time you even make eye contact with him.”

“I yelled at him,” Chan croaks, wringing his hands in his lap, feeling sick to his stomach even as Changbin rubs his back. “H-He came by the studio and I was having a really hard time. I was angry, and I thought he was someone else, I… I-I just screamed at him, what’s wrong with me?” He’s crying again before he can stop it and Changbin is hugging him, guiding his head to his shoulder and squeezing tight.

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay,” Changbin hushes. “Everyone fucks up sometimes. You didn’t mean it.”

“I scared him.” Chan sniffles, letting Changbin’s shirt absorb his tears. When was the last time he let someone see him cry this way? Not just being emotional on stage, but when he’s a shaky mess of raw nerves, breath hitching, stuttering on his words. “He ran from me, h-he left.”

“You just made a mistake, hyung, it’s alright. You just snapped at him when he came in the door?”

“I didn’t even hear him put the code in, the door just opened and I thought someone was barging in.” Chan lifts his head and wipes his eyes. “I said something like I need to be left the fuck alone, what do you want?” His mouth wobbles remembering the look on Felix’s face. “I mean, if that had been you or Hannie, that would have been so fucked up to yell at you guys like that too. I don’t know what came over me, I had just been having such a shitty session and I was down on myself, I just…”

“You snapped.” Changbin shrugs his shoulders. “You were frustrated and someone came in at the wrong time. It happens to the best of us. Remember when I was all tired and cranky and totally bit Sung’s head off?”

Chan nods his head. It had sucked the air out of the room when it happened. Jisung is similar to Felix — emotionally at least. He had looked shocked and gutted and burst into tears at Changbin’s raised voice, apologizing over and over while Changbin practically fell over himself to take it back. They’d made up quickly, Changbin apologizing vehemently and taking Jisung out for ramen to decompress after. “You guys were fine.”

“Yeah, but I was still an asshole for a second. It doesn’t mean I didn’t do anything wrong, but it wasn’t the end of the world. It doesn’t make me an awful person. At the end of it, me and Sungie were actually closer.” He claps Chan on the back, rubbing a little between his shoulder blades. “You messed up, but you’ll apologize, and I’m sure Felix will understand. You can make it up to him.”

“I don’t know.” Chan feels his mouth wobble. “It feels deeper than that, he looked like he was already crying when he opened the door. I-I think he was coming here because he needed me and I ran him off.”

“Did he tell you why he came?”

Chan shakes his head. “And now I’m worried sick. I don’t even know if he’s okay.” He wipes his eyes again and hiccups, hoping that someone else intercepted Felix to check on him, give him the comfort and support Chan completely denied him tonight.

“Hm.” Changbin pulls his phone from his pocket and fires off a quick text before pocketing it again. “Jisung will check on him. He’s good with Felix when he’s upset.”

Chan nods, grateful for Changbin’s intervention even if he feels guilty for creating such a mess that others are having to clean up. He feels the panic lessen, knowing someone is checking on Felix. “Maybe he’s the best one for Felix to go to anyways… He said that he knows I hate when he cries and I have no idea where he got that from.” He sighs and finally takes a successful deep breath in, filling his lungs to the brink, holding it in, then blowing it out slowly. He’s getting a handle on himself.

“What do you mean?”

“I followed him down the hall just saying I was sorry and that he could talk to me and he… He said ‘I know you hate it when I cry like this.’” Chan frowns, trying to pick out any other clue in the memory. Why would Felix say that? He’s never had a problem with Felix crying. In fact, he loves that he’s sensitive. It helps him remember that it’s okay to cry, to be vulnerable, to not be strong and tough all the time. “I don’t know why he would think that.”

Changbin bites his lip.

“…Bin?”

“I might have an idea?” Changbin winces. “Ah, Jisung can’t keep a secret to save his life. It was just a small thing.”

“What is it?” Chan feels his chest tighten. A secret? Did Felix say something?

“I think it’s possible Yongbokkie got in his head that his crying is embarrassing.” Changbin sighs and shakes his head. “Look, don’t beat yourself up. It was seriously a really small mistake, but according to Jisung, a few weeks back… Bokkie was tearing up at the airport and you just did an all nighter, so I think you were just half asleep, but I think you told him to keep it together in front of the cameras or something like that? So he sat with Jisung-ah on the flight until you woke up a little more and his feelings were kind of hurt about it. You guys were totally fine though, I remember switching seats just so he could cuddle with you and stuff.”

Chan feels sick. He doesn’t remember that in the slightest. He told Felix to keep it together for the cameras? That doesn’t sound like him. He would never mean to say that to Felix if he was crying. “I said that?”

“Something like that? I’m not entirely sure, but it’s my best guess as to where Felix might be coming from with the crying thing.”

“I am literally the worst boyfriend in the world.”

“Hyung.” Changbin rolls his eyes. “You are not. I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad, I’m saying this so you and Lix can work this out. Nobody’s perfect. People hurt each other’s feelings by accident all the time, you just need to talk it through.”

Chan feels his lips quiver again. “He won’t want to talk to me now though.”

“Just let him cool down a little. You guys will be okay.”

“I feel like the worst person in the world.” Chan deflates and leans into Changbin again, sniffling as his friend squeezes his shoulder. “Sorry for wrecking your night.”

“My night’s not wrecked.” Changbin claps him on the back and stands up, cocking his head towards the door. “You’re not getting anything done right now, so let’s go get ramyeon or something, yeah? On me.”

Chan’s eyes start to well up again, touched.

“Okay you are not allowed to cry over ramen, hyung.”

*****

Felix feels like his heart is being twisted in his chest, tears blurring his vision as the elevator doors close. It’s still racing, pounding hard from being startled by Chan’s outburst on top of the awful sting of being turned away by him. He’s crying too hard to hold back and he doesn’t know what to do or where to go. He just knows he doesn’t want to be seen right now.

He’d taken a leap of faith in going to Chan tonight. He’d trusted that even if his boyfriend was busy working, that he would care if Felix was hurting, that he would be there for him. Felix had convinced himself his insecurity was unfounded only to have it proven completely true. He’d opened that studio door fully believing that he would be able to fall into a warm hug and have Chan reassure him, but instead, the person he loves most had screamed in his face.

Logically, he knows Chan thought he was someone else. He knows that he shouted before realizing it was Felix standing in the doorway, but it proved that Chan was busy and that his intrusion was a burden, that his crying was a nuisance. He feels so humiliated, like a scolded child as he wipes his eyes and hurries out of the elevator.

He rushes out of the building, head down to make the walk back to the dorms. Maybe he can just shut himself in his room and cry it out without bothering anyone else. God, Chan must be sick of him.

He walks as quickly as he can without drawing attention, fumbling with the keys to the front door of the dorm and saying a silent prayer that the living room will be empty. When he gets inside, by some miracle, there’s no one in the living room or the kitchen to see him before he shuts himself in his room.

Felix falls onto the bed and buries his face in the pillow, letting out what he was holding in and sobbing as much as he needs. The sound is muffled enough that he’s confident no one will hear him, so he cries instead of resisting or suppressing the urge. It feels like his heart is being squeezed in his chest. His dad took something that he was proud and confident in and made him feel embarrassed and ashamed. His boyfriend bit his head off when he went to him for comfort and reassurance. Is he just a burden to everyone? He doesn’t even want to try reaching out for anyone else in this moment. He’ll only annoy them and eventually all his friends will start resenting his stupid blubbering and oversensitivity just like Chan. One of the worst parts of this feeling is that he’s angry too. He’s angry that Chan snapped at him like that when he was vulnerable, when he needed him, but at the same time, maybe Felix deserved that. Maybe he’s too needy, too annoying, too sensitive. Who wouldn’t snap at him eventually?

The sound of the front door opening startles him, making him raise his head from the pillow and listen nervously as foot steps approach. Did Chan follow him back to try and apologize more? He’s honestly not ready for that yet. He’s hurt and he’s too insecure to let Chan see him crying even more.

A light knock at the door makes Felix flinch.

“Bokkie?” Jisung’s concerned voice comes from the other side of the door. “You in there?”

Felix’s mouth wobbles. Jisung came to check on him? Did Chan text him to? “Yeah,” he answers quietly, wiping his eyes as he gets out of bed and shuffles up to the door.

“Can I come in?”

Felix opens the door, mouth wobbling when he sees the genuine worry in Jisung’s eyes. He came to see him even though he knew he was probably crying his eyes out and being dramatic. “H-Hey, hyung…”

“Oh, Lix…” Jisung steps into the room and throws an arm around Felix’s shoulders, guiding him back to sit on the side of the bed. “Binnie hyung texted me that you and Chan had a fight. You want to talk about it?” He keeps the arm around Felix’s shoulders and doesn’t pull away when he starts to tearfully recount what happened. He just listens, rubbing Felix’s back and humming to show that he’s listening.

Felix tells him about the call with his dad and about how he’s been trying really hard to cry less in front of people since the incident at the airport. He talks about how nervous he’d been to go approach Chan for help after his dad made him feel so awful over the phone and how Chan had reacted when he walked into the studio. Jisung nods his head in understanding, never invalidating a word Felix says, letting him calm down at his own pace as he speaks.

“I think there’s something it might make you feel better to know about Channie hyung,” Jisung says, leaning back on Felix’s headboard and gesturing for him to come sit next to him.

“This is why people say you can’t keep secrets, you know,” Felix teases through his sniffling, crawling up to lie next to him. “What is it?”

“You know how you’ve been hiding your crying and everything from him?” Jisung raises an eyebrow. “Which I think the record should show I advised you against.”

Felix rolls his eyes. “Yes.”

“I think Channie does the same thing when he feels angry.”

“What do you mean?” Felix frowns. He’s seen Chan angry before. He certainly saw it an hour ago.

“I think it has something to do with his dad, I don’t know, but he seems to get really guilty and ashamed when he feels angry.” Jisung shrugs his shoulders. “It’s not something he’s told me explicitly, but whenever he gets mad or frustrated, even if it’s not at us or it’s totally justifiable, he gets super apologetic. He goes off by himself to calm down and he seems especially on guard about it with you, like he thinks he’ll scare you or that you won’t trust him if you see him angry.” Jisung pushes his hair out of his eyes and takes a deep breath. “I might just be reading into things too much, but I think you guys are both assuming how the other person would perceive your feelings rather than just talking about them.”

“I didn’t know he was doing that.” Felix stops and thinks, trying to recall the last time he saw Chan mad. He guesses Jisung is right. Sure, he’s seen him a little cranky or frustrated, but Felix hasn’t seen him lash out or snap or raise his voice since their earliest time together when Chan was panicking about any of them being cut in the survival show.

Chan did tell him a little about his dad. He says that he worked on it a lot and really changed, but it was mostly after Chan was out of the house. When he was younger, his dad was a really angry person it seems. Chan had once mentioned to Felix that he never wanted to be a man like that, someone who can only communicate anger and not his other emotions. It makes sense. But did he do something to make Chan feel like he had to hide away whenever he felt angry? Sure, Felix is pretty sensitive when anger is directed towards him, but otherwise, he thinks he would be there for Chan. He’d help him calm down, let him vent, talk it through. Does Chan know that?

“He doesn’t need to hide that from me,” Felix says, his heart heavy with the thought of Chan feeling the need to spare him from his own emotions. “He scared me earlier because he yelled at me, but just being angry isn’t a crime. I’d be there for him no matter what he was feeling.”

“And I bet he would say the same thing to you about your crying.”

Felix crinkles his nose. He hates when Jisung makes sense — it’s so rare too.

“And not that it excuses anything and you don’t have to forgive him for yelling in your face like that tonight, accident or not, but he’s probably beating himself up for it like crazy.” Jisung shakes his head. “You guys are so self punishing.”

“…Is he okay?” Despite his hurt, worry curls in his gut.

“Binnie’s with him. I’m sure he’s fine, but I’m sure he also feels terrible for yelling at you.”

Felix pouts. Even if he has every right to be hurt and upset, it pains him to think about Chan being so harsh on himself. Maybe they should talk… But there’s so many people around in both dorms and he doesn’t want to have a heart to heart in the studio. It’s getting late and it’s dark out, maybe it wouldn’t be too risky to go walk by the river? “Do you think he’d talk if I reached out?”

“Of course. Chan would probably, like, juggle flaming bowling pins if you just asked him to.”

“Okay, he’s not that whipped.”

“Oh, yes he is.”

Felix rolls his eyes and cuddles close to Jisung as he pulls out his phone, chewing on his lower lip as he drafts a text and hands it to him for approval.

To: Channie 💕
I’m sorry I ran off so fast. Can we talk?

Jisung nods and sends the text for him, laughing when the three little dots pop up immediately with Chan’s typing. “Here, he’s already texting back.”

From: Channie 💕
Don’t be sorry, I’m so sorry for yelling at you like that!! Of course we can talk, where do you want to meet?

From: Channie 💕
I’m so so sorry, Lix..

From: Channie 💕
I love you

Felix’s eyes water the tiniest bit at the words, already feeling soothed just knowing that Chan cares his feelings were hurt. He texts back without hesitation.

To: Channie 💕
I love you too. Can we go to our spot at Han River?

From: Channie 💕
I can come right now

To: Channie 💕
Don’t run!!! I’ll see you in a few

Felix sits himself up and groans as he stretches out his arms. “Is it pathetic that this is our first big fight and it’s only lasted maybe an hour?”

“Gay,” Jisung says as he pulls out his own phone to text Minho about his impending return. “Are you feeling okay? I can stick around if you want.”

“Go back to your date night, hyung.” Felix walks around the bed and bends to give Jisung a big hug, squeezing until he makes a choked off sound that makes Felix giggle. “Thanks for checking on me.”

“Anytime,” he croaks. “Geeze, you’re stronger than you let on.”

Felix dons a hoodie to hide his face and leaves the building with Jisung, parting only when he turns in the direction of the river to go and meet Chan. The Han River is long and expansive, dotted with parks along its edges, food stalls, and attractions. Not far from their dorms though, if they walk along the river past the park, they come to a rock garden, shielded from view by an implanted bamboo forest. During the day, plenty of people will wander through the stone path, exploring the riverside area, but at night, it’s almost always empty. The cool stone of the walkway makes for an easy alert system too — footsteps are audible and the bamboo shields them from sight — plenty of warning before anyone could come across them.

Thus, their perfect spot. Tucked away, near the center of the garden in its own little alcove, is a stone bench you can’t see until you turn a corner and face it directly. It’s one of the few places he and Chan can kiss in the open air, can have truly private conversations.

Felix half expects Chan to beat him there, knowing him, but he’s the first to arrive. He listens carefully as he walks through the garden, but he doesn’t hear any other voices or another pair of footsteps. The wind is a little more biting than he anticipated, cutting through the thin cotton of the hoodie he’d chosen. By the time he reaches the cold stone bench, he’s shivering, crossing his arms over his chest and hugging himself as he waits. He hopes this conversation goes well because he could really use Chan’s body heat right about now.

Barely a minute goes by before Felix hears a hurried pair of footsteps on the slate flagstones. He’s relieved to find that his heart flutters at the sound. He’s happy to hear Chan approaching, not anxious or afraid, even if they’re still technically having their first fight.

Chan rounds the corner to the alcove, his nose pink from walking fast against the cold wind, eyes looking sore like he’s been crying. “Sorry, I came as fast as I could without running.” He takes a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair, glancing nervously at the empty spot beside Felix like he doesn’t know if he’s allowed to sit or not.

“Come here.” Felix pats the space beside him, letting Chan sit down before he reaches his hand out.

“Shit, you’re cold.” Chan frowns and takes Felix’s one hand in both of his, bringing it up to his lips to breathe out against it and warm his fingers. He leans in like he’s about to kiss the back of his hand before he seems to catch himself, blinking sadly up at Felix instead. “Baby, I’m so sorry for yelling at you like that earlier, I don’t even know how to tell you.”

“I know you are.” Felix scootches closer to him on the bench, reaching out to tuck a stray piece of hair back behind Chan’s ear and letting his touch linger.

“I really didn’t know it was you.” Chan’s voice is unsteady, uncharacteristically quiet. “I shouldn’t talk like that to anyone, but especially not you. I just had the worst writer’s block tonight and I was feeling so frustrated and so bad about myself. Honestly, I thought I was about to cry and then the door startled me and I totally lashed out.” He shakes his head at himself, squeezing Felix’s hand. “I can’t forgive myself for making you cry like that. You looked so…” He stops and sniffs, looking at Felix with big brown eyes, impossible not to melt into. “Lix, you deserve so much better than that.”

Before saying a word, Felix takes his hand away and offers his arms instead, holding them out for Chan to fall into.

Chan hesitates a moment, glancing at Felix to quietly ask ‘are you sure?’ before his lips tremble and he lets himself surge forward to hug Felix like it’s the last he’ll ever get. He locks his arms around his waist and buries his face in his neck, breath hitching once as he squeezes tight. “I love you so much. I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he croaks and for once, Felix hushes him. He kisses the top of his head and rubs his back through his jacket, all the things that Chan does for him when he’s crying, when he needs someone.

“It’s okay, Channie, it’s okay,” Felix murmurs, nuzzling his nose affectionately into his hair. “Everyone messes up sometimes. I’m not upset. I love you too.”

“I thought you might hate me.”

“I could never hate you.”

“I was so mean to you.”

“Snapping at me once doesn’t negate the thousand times you’ve held me just like this.” Felix squeezes him to emphasize his point, smiling softly when Chan squeezes him back. It’s rare to see Chan truly vulnerable like this. He’s always trying to protect everyone, to look out for everyone but himself. Their fearless leader. But right now, he’s just Chris. He’s the boy Felix loves and Felix doesn’t want him to hate himself for one mistake. “It’s okay,” he repeats, holding Chan tight until he’s ready to lift his head.

“What did you mean when you said I hate it when you cry?” Chan asks, reaching again for Felix’s hand and lacing their fingers together. “I don’t feel that way at all. I always want you to come to me when you need to.”

Felix winces. Having to say it out loud, it does feel a little dramatic in retrospect, but… “A few weeks ago at the airport, I was freaking out a little bit. I know I shouldn’t have been looking, but I saw this mean thing online about a mistake I made on stage and we were getting rushed by all these cameras. I reached out for you and you kind of just shrugged me off?” Felix sighs. “It was honestly nothing. You were half asleep and you had just done an all nighter. I don’t think you even remember this, but I kind of got in my head that maybe my crying was kind of… embarrassing.” He shrugs his shoulders. “I can be really sensitive and it has to be a burden on you when I’m getting all blubbery over nothing all the time. It can’t be attractive.”

“Lix, I’ve never felt embarrassed about your crying, are you kidding?” Chan actually laughs and reaches up to cup Felix’s cheek, caressing it with his thumb. “Baby, do you have any idea how much I admire you for that? God, I was raised on all that ‘boys don’t cry’ bullshit and it made it so hard to express myself at all. Then you come along and make it look so easy. I love how you feel everything so deeply. You’re special for that. You help me be better.”

“Really?” Felix nuzzles his cheek into Chan’s palm, letting out a long breath he hadn’t realized he was holding in. “I didn’t want you to think I was childish or something.”

“You’re not childish.” Chan shakes his head. “You’re braver than I am, holding stuff in all the time just to avoid dealing with it.”

“Yeah, about that.” Felix knocks his knee against Chan’s. “Are you hiding from me whenever you feel angry about anything?”

Chan narrows his eyes. “Han Jisung…”

“You should know better by now.” Felix giggles and kisses the side of Chan’s nose. “He didn’t tell me anything you told him, but I think his theory was right. Do you think I’ll be afraid of you or something? You don’t have to hide that from me, hyung. Sure, I’ll be scared if you yell at me or something, but if you’re just angry and upset? There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Now it’s Chan’s turn to wince. He looks away, suddenly enraptured by the raked pebbles of the zen garden beside them. “I don’t want to be an angry person.”

“You’re not an angry person, but it’s normal to feel angry sometimes. It’s okay to feel that way.”

“I guess, but…” Chan shakes his head. “When Dad was angry, it didn’t matter if he wasn’t mad at one of us. It put the whole house on edge. It made Luke and Hannah scared and my mom would just be walking on eggshells. I don’t want to make people feel that way.”

“Well… I take it your dad would probably stomp around the house huffing and puffing and stuff right? Cursing under his breath, waiting for someone to give him a reason to lose his temper at them?” Felix isn’t a stranger to how men their fathers’ age act when they’re pissed off. He’d never been afraid of his dad, but he knows how uncomfortable it felt when he was in a bad mood.

“Yeah, a lot like that.”

“That’s different than just talking about how you feel, than just feeling your emotions, even if that emotion is anger.” Felix runs his thumb in little circles over the back of Chan’s hand, smiling softly when he turns to look at him again. “You don’t have to hide that from me, okay? I know I cry a lot, but I’m not actually made of glass. I want to be here for you just like you are for me.“

“Well now you’re gonna make me cry,” Chan says with a roll of his eyes, leaning into Felix’s side and resting his head on his shoulder. “I’ll try not to hide it from you anymore… Thanks, Lix.”

“You don’t have to say thank you. You’re not a favor.”

Chan smiles, recognizing his own words. “Do you want to tell me about what was wrong before I yelled at you? You looked like something happened.”

“Ugh.” Felix groans and tilts his head back against the bamboo. “Our dads are just on a roll I guess. He called me and made me feel like shit about the shoot I did for W Korea. He said I need to dress more like a boy and stop giving people the wrong idea.”

Chan rolls his eyes hard. “Seriously? You came out to him. He knows what he’s implying when he says that shit.”

“Mhm, but he pretends it never happened.” Felix clucks his tongue and shrugs. “But honestly it’s whatever. I’m kind of all cried out and I’m not gonna let him ruin that photoshoot for me. I was really proud of it.”

“You should be, it was great.” Chan brings their joined hands to his lips and follows through on the kiss this time, pressing his lips against the back of Felix’s hand. “I’m sorry he said that to you.”

“It’s alright.”

“We should frame that photo of you in the mini skirt and give it to him for Christmas.”

“Oh my God.”

“Or get your whole family some of those cringey rainbow pride pajamas and see if he catches on.”

“Channie.”

“I could also challenge him to a fight? One on one, me and Mr. Lee.”

“Shut up,” Felix cackles, falling into him as Chan slings an arm around his shoulders. “You’re so dumb.”

“That means you have a dumb boyfriend.” Chan pouts. “That’s embarrassing for you.”

“You’re the embarrassing one.”

“How so?”

“I don’t know, aren’t you still the dumb one in this scenario? You’re making me lose track of my own burn.”

“Maybe I’m smarter than you think.” Chan wiggles his eyebrows and Felix grabs the collar of his jacket, yanking him into a kiss before he can say something else stupid and funny that will make him snort. He shuts him up instead by pressing their lips firmly together, humming happily into the kiss when Chan relaxes against him and kisses back.

Felix remembers how cold he is, coiling his arms around Chan’s neck as their lips open and close, meeting over and over again in kiss after kiss. He sucks Chan’s lower lip into his mouth and treasures the soft sound he makes in response, pushing one hand up into his hair and gripping. It’s the best kind of kiss. It’s the kind that makes his brain feel slow and honeyed, his heart beating hard, but not fast, like it’s syncing up with Chan’s, like they’re so perfectly in tune with another that they’re becoming one and the same. Chan’s lips are pillowy soft and warm, the perfect antidote to the biting cold air.

His dick twitches with interest, but Felix pays it little mind as Chan licks into his mouth, makes him purr as he runs his tongue over the sharp points of his teeth. If they were in private, this is when Chan’s hand would slide between his legs and tease his cock through his pants, always making him hard and messy before he even lets Felix undress. Felix is craving his hand already, squirming a bit as his hips try to roll against nothing.

“Needy,” Chan chuckles when he pulls back, just barely, his breath still a soft puff against Felix’s lips. “You want me to touch you?”

Felix puts on his best pout and nods his head, giving Chan’s head some little scratches as extra incentive. “We had a big fight, don’t we get to have make up sex?”

“As long as you don’t mind certain roommates overhearing.”

“I’ll send a courtesy warning text,” Felix says, leaning back in to peck Chan on the lips, then on both cheeks, then one more time on the tip of his nose. “Can we?”

“Of course.” Chan leans in and nuzzles their noses together, an absolutely obscene display of affection that makes Felix smile and giggle a bit at the cheesiness. He loves when Chan is cheesy. “Are you okay though? After all that?”

“Are you?”

Chan nods.

“Then so am I.” Felix shrugs his shoulders and pulls away only to slide his phone out of his pocket, firing off a text to his fellow dorm occupants that he’s sorry in advance, but Chan will be coming over for a little ‘couples time.’

Minho is at the other dorm with Jisung, so he spares him, but Seungmin sends a vomiting emoji in response, and Jeongin reacts with a thumbs down. They’re fine.

They untangle themselves from each other and reluctantly leave the zen garden, holding hands until they exit the cover of the bamboo, but it doesn’t stop them from walking close the whole way. When they can’t hold hands, they walk pretty much shoulder to shoulder and every time Chan nudges him with his elbow, it’s like he’s squeezing his palm.

They walk hurriedly through the cold air, giggling when they stumble a bit or trip over their own feet. Chan keeps Felix close, rubbing his arms for him to keep warm when they have to stop and wait to cross the street only to take off again the moment they have the go ahead.

Back at the dorm, Felix yanks Chan inside and gives a cursory glance around. No members in sight. The two youngest are probably in their rooms and he’ll have to beg their forgiveness later, but Felix has mind blowing make up sex to have and he’s too worked up to feel too much shame over it. He drags Chan by the hand into his bedroom and locks the door, sighing when he finds himself immediately pressed up against it.

“Let me warm you up, baby,” Chan murmurs as he buries his face in Felix’s neck and begins to lavish it in warm kisses, chasing the chill of the night air away.

Felix lets his eyes flutter shut, biting his lip as he widens his stance to allow Chan’s hips to press flush against his own. His neck is so sensitive, he gets butterflies every time Chan kisses it or even just nuzzles against it. He shivers when Chan nibbles on his ear, rolling his hips needily.

“You’re so cute,” Chan snickers, sliding his hands up Felix’s shirt to hold his waist, squeezing.

“Don’t tickle me.” Felix pouts, which only prompts Chan to kiss him, sucking his lower lip into his mouth in a searing kiss that make him moan, knees weakening at the scrape of Chan’s teeth. He’s so hard already, his dick stiff and messy with pre-come as he grinds unsubtly against Chan. “Hyungie, fuck me,” he whines when he’s released from the kiss, tugging childishly on the hem of Chan’s shirt. “I need it.”

“Oh, you need it?” Chan grins. “Will you die if I don’t give it to you? Will you burst into flames?”

Felix bats his eyes, sticking his lower lip out again ever so slightly. “No, but I’ll be sad… don’t you want to cheer me up?”

“Don’t play dirty.” Chan’s smile softens and he gives Felix another kiss, tender this time, just the firm press of their lips. “I’m gonna take such good care of you,” he whispers, punctuating the statement with another soft touch of his lips, his breath a soft puff of air against Felix’s mouth when he speaks again. “Take your clothes off and get in bed,” he says, bringing a hand up to brush Felix’s hair away from his face and back behind his ear. “I want to warm you up.”

Felix’s whole body hums as he nods his head and gives Chan one more kiss before he’s released, stepping away from the bedroom door and stripping out of his clothes. Chan goes to fetch what they need from the bedside drawer and Felix pulls back his covers to crawl underneath, giggling when he peeks out at Chan, fully naked, but holding the duvet up to his shoulders.

“You’re so fucking cute.” Chan sets the lube and a condom on the nightstand and shakes his head, smiling. The tips of his ears are pink.

“No outside clothes in the bed,” Felix says the moment Chan turns towards him. It’s a pretty lax rule in his bedroom, but he wants to watch Chan undress, wiggling his eyebrows just to make him blush.

“You’re a perv, you know that?” Chan teases as he shrugs off his jacket, letting it fall to the floor as he toes off his shoes. He pulls his shirt off over the back of his head and shakes his hair out, flashing Felix a wink just to make him laugh again. His stripping is utilitarian, removing anything that could become a layer between them. There’s no need to build anticipation when they’re both so eager, so in need of each other’s touch. He crawls under the covers and lies over Felix, weight on his elbows, bodies flush together in the pocket of warmth they’ve created beneath the blankets.

Felix hums happily against Chan’s mouth, wrapping his arms around his broad shoulders and lightly scraping his nails down his back just to feel him shiver. Their hips move together now, grinding slow, but hard as their tongues brush and their lips open and close with kiss after kiss. Any lingering chill from the night is gone. Felix is a low fire beneath the mantle, the curling wick of a long lit candle, soft, warm, and full of light. It feels so fitting when Chan nuzzles against him and murmurs, “ready for more, sunshine?”

Of course he is.

Slick fingers open Felix up easily, his body showing no resistance, an eager invitation as Chan preps him. It’s not hard to stay quiet yet, his whimpers stifled by Chan’s lips against his own, the kisses interrupted only by sweet whispers of praise. He works his fingers back and forth until the stretch is comfortable then turns his attention to Felix’s pleasure, kissing down his neck and letting his teeth graze the sensitive skin as he massages his prostate.

“Chris,” Felix breathes, eyes fluttering shut and head tipping back. “Fuck.”

Chan’s lips curl up. Felix has largely grown accustomed to censoring his cursing in English to protect his idol image, but when he lets himself go during sex, the habit returns. He swears like a sailor when Chan touches him the right way.

“Right here, yeah?” Chan smirks and Felix rolls his eyes even as his back arches with pleasure.

“You’re such a cunt, you know you’re right on it.” Felix lets out a sigh and spreads his legs wider under the covers, giving Chan room to work. His dick is hard and messy, smearing pre-come on his tummy as Chan finger fucks him, his lips never leaving some part of his skin. “Fuck, fuck, yes,” he gasps when Chan kisses up to his ear, nipping at the lobe as he pulses mercilessly right on his prostate. “Channie, please, please, I don’t need more prep,” he whines. “Fuck me, I need it. Need you close, need you inside-“

“Shh, shh, I got you,” Chan hushes, lifting his head and kissing Felix’s lips, soft and gentle as his fingers slow inside of him. “Gonna fuck you so good, yeah? Gonna fill you up, make you feel so good.”

Felix pouts and even bats his eyes up at him, rolling his hips needily against Chan’s hand. “Then do it now.”

“You’re a menace.” Chan snickers. “I don’t want to hurt you, baby.”

“You’re not gonna hurt me, give me your stupid dick before I die.” Felix groans for dramatic effect, ready to pitch a tantrum if he has to when Chan reaches for the lube, still laughing under his breath at Felix’s neediness.

He takes his fingers away and sits back on his heels, giving Felix the perfect view as he rolls the condom on and slicks himself up. Felix licks his lips at the way his abs tense, how his cock stands hard and full. He wants him inside so bad, he whines anyways, spreading his legs wide and propping himself up on his elbows. He feels so empty without Chan’s fingers and he wants him close, wants his kisses and his dorky compliments whispered in his ear. The few feet between them right now is too much.

“Channie-“

“I’m right here, little one,” Chan says, his smile warm as he sets the lube aside. “Be patient.” He crawls back over him, hips setting between Felix’s legs, his dick nudging against his inner thigh and his face coming back within kissing distance.

Felix takes advantage, cupping Chan’s face in his hands and shoving their lips together as he hikes both legs up over his hips. “Put your dick in me right now and I totally forgive you for ever even raising your voice at me today.”

Chan frowns. “I don’t think that’s the healthiest-“

“I’m kidding! Just fuck me, fuck, please, please, please,” Felix pleads, bordering on babbling when Chan reaches down to align himself and shuts him up by pushing forward enough to give him the tip.

Felix bites his lip and whimpers, hands clasped behinds Chan’s neck as he looks up at him, relaxing his muscles. It’s tight, but not painful, the perfect amount of stretch to be satisfying. The breach always makes him gasp, but Chan swallows the sound, moaning low in the back of his throat as he sinks himself into the snug heat. He clutches Felix close like something precious, something someone might take from him, careful not to cling too tight, but still so protective, guarding. He pushes into Felix with his thighs and abs tensed in restraint, resisting the temptation to bury himself inside in favor of easing into him at a pace that won’t cause discomfort. Felix has topped him a few times before just for fun. He knows how powerful the urge is to give in to pure instinct, to buck his hips wildly and fuck with abandon. Chan never abandons his caution in this position. He kisses Felix to soothe him, distract him from any ache as he carefully backs himself out and pushes in deeper, repeating and repeating until he’s fully seated, until Felix’s hips are open, his body relaxed and pliant with the slow but quickening rhythm.

“Channie hyung,” Felix whimpers, looking up at him with his lips parted, freckled face flushed as Chan fills him with every thrust. It feels so impossibly deep. He slides a hand between them and presses on his lower abdomen, shivering when he feels the subtle bulge against his palm whenever Chan pushes in.

“You feel me right there, baby?” Chan coos, kissing over Felix’s ear between whispered words. “Here.” He slides in deep, his hips flush against Felix’s ass. “Press down.”

Felix does and watches Chan’s eyes flutter shut, grinning. “You can feel that?” He presses down harder on himself and Chan rewards him with a moan, the sound low and rumbling. “I love when you’re inside me like this,” he murmurs, turning his head to kiss down Chan’s neck as much as he can reach. “Makes me feel so close to you, so special.”

“You’re so special to me, Lix, you have no idea.” Chan takes a deep breath and braces one hand on the headboard, Felix’s heart skipping at the implication. If Chan needs leverage it’s because he’s about to fuck Felix so hard and fast, they’ll slide right up the bed if he doesn’t grip something.

Felix keens in anticipation, holding onto Chan’s shoulders and scraping his nails down his back when it begins. He can’t stay quiet once Chan starts to fuck him at a brutal pace, breathing hot and heavy into Felix’s neck as he snaps his hips. Every breath Felix takes is a gasp, intermingled with whining swear words and Chan’s name, his mind too fuzzy to come up with anything else and his lips too loose to be silent. His dick is trapped deliciously between them, sliding against Chan’s abs, the perfect friction as he lets himself be fucked into the mattress. He used to think that when sex was fast and rough, there’d be some sacrifice of intimacy — surely it couldn’t be as emotionally intense as slow lovemaking, but Felix has found he feels incredibly close and connected with Chan even when they’re fucking like rabbits.

When the sex is slow and sensual, he loves that too, but he’s more aware of everything. As good as it feels, he has a clearer head. But this? When Chan fucks him absolutely stupid? Felix can hardly control the sounds that come out of his mouth or the way his body reacts at all. The messy way his dick smears pre-come between their bodies in this pressed together position, the way his voice goes higher pitched and breathy, how his thighs shake, how his toes curl. He scratches Chan’s back to hell without even realizing it. He gives up control completely to Chan, trusting that he’ll be given pleasure in return, and Chan gives it to him.

Felix can’t imagine trusting anyone else enough to do this to him. He can’t imagine letting anyone else inside his body, as close as he can ever possibly let somebody in.

The pleasure is overwhelming, the constant friction and pressure on his prostate driving him wild, filling his whole body with heat. Not to mention the constant low moans from Chan when he fucks him this hard — Felix treasures the vulnerable sounds of pleasure Chan lets him hear.

It’s all so much. Felix was so hurt earlier thinking that Chan didn’t care about his feelings, but of course he does. This is his person. He would trust him with anything in the world — his body, his secrets, his heart. His vision is getting bleary, fat tears welling up in his eyes as a sob of pleasure falls from his mouth.

He’s crying.

Everything feels so good and so overwhelming, his body doesn’t know how else to react.

“That’s it, baby, let it out,” Chan whispers, kissing the tear tracks from Felix’s cheeks. “You feel good? Does anything hurt?” He slows his hips for a moment, but Felix whines, digging his heels in to his lower back until he resumes. “So yes?” His laugh is breathy, face pink and hair starting to curl with the sweat of exertion when he smiles down at Felix.

“So good,” Felix breathes, eyes fluttering shut, which only squeezes out more tears. He can’t take much more. “I’m gonna come, Channie, fuck, fuck, please make me come.” There’s a tension growing in him, a bow string being pulled so tight, he feels like he’ll snap in half if it isn’t loosed.

“Shh, I got you, baby, I got you.” Chan kisses along his jaw as he reaches between them and wraps his fingers around Felix’s cock, hard and hot to the touch, pulsing with need. His touch is slick from Felix’s own mess as he jerks him off in time with the rapid pace of his hips.

Felix says a silent prayer that any members in the vicinity have headphones on because he isn’t able to help the loud whines coming from the back of his throat. His body is trembling, the wave of pleasure threatening to crest. It’s so much that he’s equally tempted to run from it as he is to chase it, but Chan doesn’t give him a choice. He knows what he needs.

“I know you’re right there, baby, it’s okay,” Chan says with a breathy laugh, hips starting to stutter. “I’m right there too. Let me see you come, baby, you look so fucking pretty when you come.”

“I… I-I’m… Fuck!” Felix cries out and sobs, head tipping back as he babbles, “I’m coming, I’m coming, fuck, Chris don’t stop, please, please, don’t stop, isso good, so f-fucking good, hnngh, nnn.” He devolves completely into whimpers as he spills between them, hot and wet against the skin of their torsos, clinging to Chan like a life line as tears roll down his cheeks.

Chan fucks him through, groaning in his ear as he reaches his own climax, sent over the edge by the sight and feel of Felix’s. He pants Felix’s name, only relenting when Felix sighs underneath him. He buries himself to the hilt and finally lets his weight drop a little, tucking his face into Felix’s neck to catch his breath.

“Channie,” Felix breathes, rubbing his back and grinning stupidly up at the ceiling. “Holy shit.”

“Maybe we should fight more often.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Kidding, kidding.” Chan chuckles and lifts his head, pressing a warm kiss against Felix’s cheek then nuzzling his nose against the spot. “You’re really pretty when you cry, you know.”

“Yeah?” Felix’s heart softens. “It’s not unattractive?”

“Of course not. I mean, I don’t like to see you sad, but fuck, you look so gorgeous and when you cry in bed, I just lose it. Happy tears, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Felix smiles, running a hand through Chan’s hair to tame it a little, admiring his cute nose and his dark eyes. “Happy tears.”

“I love you so much.” Chan shakes his head as if he’s in disbelief, leaning in to give Felix one more gentle kiss on the lips, tender and lingering.

They part carefully, Chan soothing Felix’s wince when he pulls out. He discards the condom in the trash can by his desk and gets a clean hand towel from the closet, gently wiping Felix down before himself. He discards the towel in the hamper and rejoins him in bed, pulling Felix right into his arms, pressing kisses into his hair. “Hey, sweet boy,” he sighs and Felix can here the smile in his tone.

“Hi,” he giggles, nestling into Chan’s chest and lifting his head to press a few feather light kisses along his jaw.

“Feel good?”

“Feel great.” Felix breathes in a deep breath of Chan’s cologne and relaxes full into his touch. “It felt really good to just kind of… cry like that with you. Everything just felt so good and overwhelming, I couldn’t help it, but you didn’t make me feel like it was… weird, I don’t know.”

“I would never make you feel bad about crying during sex,” Chan chuckles, stroking Felix’s back up and down with the tips of his nails. “You looked beautiful. It just meant you were feeling a lot and, shit, way to boost my ego.” He wiggles his eyebrows. “Fucked you so good, you cried, huh?”

“Shut up,” Felix laughs, nuzzling his face into the crook of Chan’s neck. “It was pretty good, but don’t get carried away. I cry easy.”

“And I love that about you,” Chan says with a firm kiss to his forehead. “You feel so much and you express it so easily. I still can’t believe I ever made you feel insecure about that… You can always come to me, okay Lixie? No matter what you’re feeling. I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t have to keep being sorry.” Felix presses his lips to the side of Chan’s neck, listens to the soft sigh he makes at the touch. “I trust you, hyung. You didn’t lose that.”

“Are you sure? After the way I made you feel, I’d understand if it took a little time for you to fully-“

“I trust you, Channie,” Felix repeats and hugs him tight as he says it. “And I’ll forgive you completely… if you get your phone and order me spicy ramen.”

“You drive a hard bargain, babe.”

They spend a few more minutes basking in the afterglow, sharing slow kisses, enjoying the simple pleasure of being skin to skin with one another before they pull apart to make themselves presentable. Chan, ever adverse to clothing, takes a clean pair of boxers from his drawer in Felix’s dresser and fixes his hair a bit. Felix just pulls on some black sweats and calls it a day, dragging Chan out to the living room to cuddle on the couch and order their food.

Once ramen is ordered and a good trashy tv show is on, Felix kicks his legs up in Chan’s lap and lays down, smiling to himself as his boyfriend’s hands rubs soothing circles over his bare stomach.

They both raise their heads at the sound of the front door opening, Felix blushing as Minho walks in with Jisung in tow.

Minho looks from Chan to Felix then nods his head. “Ah, I heard you guys had a big fight or something. You two it out okay?”

“Sung-ah!” Felix groans. “Do you tell him everything right away?”

“Of course he does.” Minho frowns and puts a possessive arm around Jisung’s waist, making a show of it as he leans in and nuzzles their noses together, making Jisung giggle. “Don’t you, baby?”

“I’m kicking you both out of the band,” Chan says and Jisung flips them both off before blowing Chan a kiss.

Minho whisks him away to his own bedroom and Felix rolls his eyes at the two of them as he snuggles back into Chan. He loves them to death. He also wants to beat them up a little bit. When he looks at Chan, they both smile dumbly and shake their heads.

“We can not tell Jisung anything.”