Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"I'm pregnant."

That's the opening?

Maya had texted her a few times, she'd even tried calling after her session with Diane, but Carina hadn't responded. At least, not beyond saying she needed more time and that response took days to come.

Maya understood that, she did, and she waited, she had been waiting.

She wasn't sure how she could prove to Carina that she was changing, that she was healing. How could she if Carina didn't want to speak to her? She was so sure that she'd broken through when Carina let her in after she'd food poisoned her. Maya had made herself vulnerable, admitted she was afraid to leave because she didn't know when she would see her again, and even though Carina said she would, she hadn't.

And now, she was standing right in front of her with big news spilling from her lips.

Maya was stunned silent.

Carina had found someone else. That's why she hadn't responded to any of Maya's attempts, she just moved on? But then why did she say she needed more time? Moving on wasn't more time, and Carina wouldn't move that quickly. At least, she didn't think she would move that quickly.

Would she?

She had hurt her wife deeply, but if she was finished with her, she was sure she would have been honest. Carina wouldn't have just kept her hanging on while she was out with someone else.

She was spiraling.

Before Maya could spiral any further, Carina stepped into the apartment and grabbed her hand. "I'm pregnant with our baby."

Maya's brow furrowed, deeply confused.

Had Carina tried again without her?

"The test was a false negative."

Maya gasped, "You can get false negatives?!"

Her shocked exclamation drew a laugh from Carina, who just nodded her confirmation. "I'm afraid so."

"I-" she took a deep breath, forcing herself to ask the question she was terrified to hear the answer to. "I can be part of it… right?"

Part of it.

Did Maya not want her anymore?

Carina wanted to be with her more than anything, she wanted to let that gravitational pull do its thing.

She found her stomach churning with conflicting emotions because she had delayed her response to Maya for so long… and now, now she had broken the silence with a pregnancy announcement she wasn't sure either of them were equipped to handle.

She wished she'd reached out sooner, beyond asking for more time. She wished that they had at least started healing and growing back together before this news. Or, at the very least, she wished she had told Maya she still wanted everything with her, she just needed time to process everything. In hindsight, she realized that to someone in Maya's mental state, she may not have understood that from her request.

The last thing Carina wanted was for her or the baby to be something in Maya's list of things to do or achieve. So desperate to win that she'd fight for something that no longer fit.

Carina understood mental illness and she understood that this decision was one they had made together – they decided to have a child. They tried desperately for this child, they failed so many times and now… But, priorities change and Maya had been through a trauma.

The decisions she made pre-breakdown might not fit the life she envisioned for herself post-breakdown.

"I hope we can co-parent without… trouble?" Carina offered.

Co-parent.

It hit Maya like a cannonball.

Carina still didn't want her.

Not even a child had changed her mind about repairing their relationship. Though, that wasn't exactly what she'd want to turn the dial – she wanted Carina to want her for her, not just because they were expecting a child.

She was so sure they'd made progress after she had food poisoned her.

She'd let her in then, but…

There was no follow-up. Carina told her she'd text to let her know how she was, she did, but she hadn't responded to Maya's efforts since.

It stung.

"Co-parents," Maya nodded, hoping her voice didn't sound as weak to Carina as it did to her ears. "Wait," she paused for a moment. "Does this mean my lasagna didn't poison you?"

Finally.

Vindication.

Carina smiled. "Maybe not, but it was definitely funky."

"I can't believe you can get a false negative," Maya still felt slightly stunned, but opened her arms to hug Carina when she stepped forward. "I'm so sorry you haven't been able to enjoy it."

Carina smiled at that.

Maya wanted to shout from the rooftops that she was going to be a mom, but she wasn't certain about the protocol in this situation. They weren't really separated officially, but they definitely weren't exactly together either. The gulf between them felt bigger than ever, even though this was something that should have brought them closer together.

"I'm so happy," she said it quietly, whispering it into Carina's hair and Carina tightened her hold in response.

Maya really hoped Carina was happy too.

"Have you eaten?" Maya asked, and Carina chuckled as she found herself being led into the kitchen. "I can make you something. Sit," she instructed, pointing to the seat at the head of the table before disappearing into the kitchen, quickly reappearing with a glass of water. "Are you drinking enough water?"

Carina rolled her eyes, "Yes, Maya, I am familiar with how to deal with a pregnancy."

Maya nodded. Of course she was.

She returned with some cold pizza and an apologetic face. "I could make you something, but food poisoning is particularly dangerous for pregnant women. I didn't want to take the risk, thought leftover pizza might be safer. Even if my lasagna wasn't what made you sick."

Carina smiled. She wouldn't insult her by asking where it came from, she chose to trust that she wouldn't offer her leftover pizza from a shit restaurant.

"So," Maya took a seat. "What's the plan?"

She should have expected that. Obviously her Queen of the Clipboard wife was going to want to make a plan.

"You can't spend your pregnancy in a hotel," Maya started. "You could move back in," she suggested. "I can move into the guest room or you can move into the guest room, but it just doesn't make sense for you to be in a hotel now. It's a waste of money, it can't be comfortable, it must make eating healthy a nightmare-"

Carina sighed, "I'll think about it. I'm just not sure- I've been looking at rentals."

Maya gulped.

There wasn't much she could say to that.

It did mean their relationship was far more damaged than she'd thought. Or, at least, that Carina was much further from thoughts of reconciliation than she'd hoped. When she'd asked for more time, Maya hadn't imagined her looking for somewhere else to live.

She realized she hadn't responded and suddenly felt awkward, it was clear from the look on her face that Carina was waiting for a reaction. "Oh," she said. "Okay. Well, whatever you're comfortable with."

Diane had impressed upon her the importance of hearing Carina's boundaries and honoring them. She was trying really hard to do that, but it was a lot – she wanted to fix everything, she wanted to make it up to Carina. Carina deserved her apologies, and she deserved her effort, but if she wasn't ready to listen to those apologies or see Maya's effort, then Maya would have to wait.

"Do you want help looking?" Maya asked. She wasn't crossing any boundaries offering help, was she?

Carina looked at Maya in confusion, "Help with what?"

"Looking for rentals," Maya frowned.

Maya could see continued confusion on Carina's face, and she wasn't sure what to say. All she could do was follow her lead, but what do you do when the person leading doesn't seem to know what she's doing either?

"You can let me know," she offered.

After the difficulty they'd had conceiving, Maya had expected good news to be a big deal. She expected fireworks, she thought there would be a sense of overwhelming joy, that they would fall into each other to celebrate as they so often did. Instead, they were awkwardly eating cold leftover pizza as Maya desperately tried to mend burned bridges.

If only she'd have listened to Carina sooner.

"I want you to enjoy this experience," Maya added. "You should be comfortable and happy and taken care of, I just want to make sure you are."

Carina smiled at that, nodding in agreement. She wanted that too.

~~~

"Carina's pregnant."

Andy's eyes widened as she stood, hands flat on Maya's desk, leaning forward slightly. Maya's face wasn't giving much away. "She met someone else?"

At least Maya wasn't the only one with that intrusive thought.

Maya shook her head.

Andy sighed in relief. "So, she just went ahead and did it without you," she said sadly. As if Maya hadn't already been through enough.

Maya shook her head again. As validating as it was to hear Andy voice her same fears aloud, she would have almost preferred her friend to jump to the correct conclusion quicker. "That last test she took was a false negative."

Andy's jaw dropped. "Oh wow." She was not very good at playing things cool, she was shocked and she couldn't hide it. "So, what does it mean?"

"I have no idea," Maya sighed, sinking into the chair behind her desk, watching as Andy did the same across from her. "I asked her to move back in, offered her choice of the bedroom or the guest room. She asked for more time and I was trying to give her more time, but now we have a baby on the way. I already feel like I'm on the outside."

"Carina wouldn't do that to you," Andy shook her head. "Things might not be okay between you two, but she wouldn't exclude you from the baby's life. You both fought so hard for this."

Maya's head titled back slightly, it was an attempt to hide her emotions but she tried desperately to pass it off as simply stretching her neck.

"You think she would exclude you," Andy commented.

"No," Maya said. "Maybe? I- I asked if I could be part of it and she said she hoped we could co-parent peacefully."

Andy fell back into her chair, disappointment on her face. She knew Maya had been doing well, that she had been working hard in therapy with Diane. As much as that was true, she also knew how fragile her friend still was, how delicate the balance of her mental health was. Andy had watched her trying to process Carina's request for more time, desperate to understand what it meant in the long-term. She'd watched her respect her boundaries and adding a baby to the mix would be… challenging.

"I want to fast-track a reconciliation, and I know that's not the right way to mend our relationship, but I want us to be us again before the baby arrives. But I don't think she even wants there to be an us anymore, Andy. She's been looking for a rental."

Andy couldn't stop the "Oh" from escaping her lips.

"I'm afraid to ask what it means for us because I'm terrified to hear her say we're finished."

"Do you think it's finished?" Andy asked softly.

Maya nodded.

"Is that what you want?" She wasn't sure why she asked, she knew it wasn't what her friend wanted.

Maya shook her head.

"Then don't jump to conclusions until you've had a conversation."

"How-" Maya sighed. "How am I supposed to have the conversation when she asked for more time and hasn't said anything to suggest she's ready. We're having a baby, that has to be the focus, right?"

Andy shrugged. "I don't know. If you remember correctly, I left my divorce papers in your freezer."

Maya laughed, glad to have even a brief distraction from the heaviness in her heart.

"Just be patient, like you have been, and do your best to be there for Carina," Andy offered the best suggestion she could come up with, though it sounded pretty shit now that she'd shared it aloud.

Maya nodded, obviously thinking about what she could do to deliver.

~~~

When Carina walked into her office, she expected to perhaps find Amelia Shepherd lurking, but she hadn't expected for her to be sitting next to Miranda Bailey.

"Okay," she laughed nervously. "What are you both doing here?"

"Cut the crap, Carina," Bailey said immediately. "How did it go with Maya?"

Carina raised an eyebrow as her gaze shifted from Bailey's impatient face to Amelia's amused one. She knew her friends were invested in the outcome of her marriage, but she hadn't realized just how much Bailey would get involved. After Maya's lasagna delivery, Miranda had been a vocal supporter of her wife. She'd heard from Ben just how much Maya had improved and the growth she'd shown. She also knew Carina wasn't ready to see it, maybe she was refusing to see it.

"It went fine," she shrugged. "She didn't say it, but I'm pretty sure she thought I'd moved on with someone else."

Bailey gasped and Amelia's eyes widened.

"Or, at least maybe that I'd had fertility treatment without her? She had the most devastated look on her face, but when I told her our last test had been a false negative, the relief on her face was instant. She… seemed happy with the news."

"Well, of course she is, Carina," Bailey said through gritted teeth with narrowed eyes. "She loves you."

"And she's been working really hard to show you," Amelia added.

"She didn't bring up our relationship, she just invited me to stay in either the main or guest bedroom."

"Okay? Isn't that good?"

"Yeah," Amelia nodded, "She wants you close."

"I thought she'd try to fight for us?"

"Uh," Amelia wasn't sure what to say to that.

"You asked for time," Miranda reminded. "She's giving you that, and Maya is… literal. If you don't tell her you're ready to unpause whatever is going on, then she is going to keep respecting the boundaries you set."

Carina nodded. She already knew that. "She asked if she could be part of it."

Miranda winced, but Amelia managed to school her reaction.

"Because she's respecting your boundaries and she doesn't know where she stands," Miranda offered. "You have to tell her where she stands."

Carina nodded. "I don't know where she stands."

"But you told her she can be part of it, right?" Amelia asked, suddenly concerned, sitting up straight ready to fight for Maya.

"Of course I did! I told her I hoped we could co-parent without much fuss."

Miranda groaned and Amelia sighed heavily, throwing herself back against the couch. "Co-parenting is what people do after they split up," Amelia squeaked. "When you're together it's just parenting!"

Miranda squeezed Amelia's arm, hoping that would shut her up. "Do you consider your marriage over, Carina?"

"I don't know!" she threw her hands in the air, more frustrated now than she had been when she walked into this ambush. "I don't know," she said more calmly. "How am I supposed to know?"

"You'll never know if you don't give her a chance to prove herself to you!" Amelia scoffed.

Carina huffed out a sigh. "I wanted to do this without the complication of a child in the mix!"

"Well, it's too late for that," Miranda said with a shake of her head. "So, figure it out!" she offered, disappearing out of Carina's office without so much as a goodbye.

"Would I be stupid to get a rental when Maya wants me to move back in?"

Amelia shrugged. "If she herself offered you a choice of bedrooms, I think staying under the same roof is probably the best way to heal your relationship and you get the support during pregnancy."

Carina nodded. That was true. She was pregnant, yes, but it was her child with Maya and Maya would want to be part of that, right? She'd asked to be part of it. Isn't that what she'd meant? Carina was lost in thought, forgetting that Amelia was even still in the room. The knock at the door snapped her out of her thoughts and her eyes flickered to the door in confusion as she saw Maya appear through the small crack. She stood, concerned that Maya was at the hospital for health reasons. "Is everything okay?"

"Uh, yeah," Maya nodded, stepping fully into the office, a tote bag slung over her shoulder. "Oh," her eyes fell on Amelia who was watching on with great curiosity. "Hi, Dr. Shepherd.'

Dr. Shepherd?

"Uh, hey Bishop," she responded, tilting her head as she looked from Maya to Carina.

"I just thought you could use a healthy lunch," Maya offered, placing the tote bag on Carina's desk, unpacking it one container at a time. "I know you hate the cafeteria food so, I figured-" Maya looked up and grimaced at the concerned look on Carina's face. "Don't worry, I didn't cook any lasagna, even if it didn't food poison you… you didn't think it was very good. So, I brought you a pesto pasta salad, some grilled chicken, a leafy green salad, some dark chocolate, granola bar, salad dressing, water, melon, carrot sticks, and some pretzels because I know how much you love to crunch."

Amelia shoved her hands in her white coat pockets, smiling as she edged closer to the door. She slipped out without either of them even noticing she had still been in the room.

"Thank you," Carina smiled. "So, um. I'm glad you're here actually. Now that I've had time to think about it, I think it would probably be better if we were under the same roof. Just in case," she added hastily. "I'll be fine in the guest room," she nodded, unwilling to admit she wasn't quite prepared to face the bedroom they'd shared.

"Oh, okay," Maya nodded. "I will-" she turned towards the door. "I'll prepare it for you then, I stored the treadmill in there, so I'll need to move some things around. Don't worry, I'll take care of everything."

Never had a truer word been spoken.

"I guess I'll see you at home then," Maya offered, hand on the door, the smallest smile on her face. Carina just nodded, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling in her chest.

Maya closed the door quietly behind her and couldn't resist the smile on her lips, walking down the halls of Grey Sloan with a pep in her step that had been sorely missed.

Chapter Text

"So, she's moving back in?"

Maya nodded, setting a cup of coffee on her desk for Andy. She wasn't trying to buy her favor, but she had picked up a coffee for herself as she left the hospital, so she decided buying Andy one would give her an excuse to drop the news.

"That's good!" Andy smiled, accepting the caffeinated offering. "Right? It's good?"

Maya nodded. "Yeah, yes. Of course."

"Okay, so why does your face still look miserable?"

Maya shrugged, a little unsure of how best to put this. "It's just hard," she shrugged again. "How do I just act like I'm not hopelessly in love with my pregnant wife even though she can barely stand to look at me?"

Andy sighed. "Things aren't as bad as that."

"She's only talking to me because she's pregnant," Maya reminded her. "I voiced my fears about when I'd see her next after I took fluids to her when she was sick. I was afraid to say it, but I said it anyway, and she-" she shook her head, trying desperately to keep her emotions in check. "She said that wasn't true and she might have updated me later that night, but that was it. I was right to be scared because I walked out of that hotel room worried because I didn't know when I'd see her next and then I didn't. She didn't come back around, Andy. Until she found out she was pregnant, and that's why she's back and that's why she's moving in. It isn't for me. It's not for us."

"Look, Maya, obviously it would be better if you guys were working on things before finding out about the baby, but just because the baby might change the timeline doesn't mean it's not going to happen."

"It wasn't happening anyway! If she was going to give me a chance, it would have been after lasagna-gate. I left work to make sure she was okay. I put off going back to work to make sure she was okay. I'm not just talk, I've been action, and she still doesn't see it," she groaned as the tears bubbled out. "She doesn't see me."

Andy nodded, she understood what Maya was saying. "I think she does see you, I think she's just having a hard time believing her eyes."

"What do you mean?"

"Carina loves you just as much as you love her, she just needs to be sure you're for real before she puts her heart on the line again. It might take longer now that there is a baby because, well, that makes things more complicated, doesn't it?"

Maya nodded. "Yeah, I guess that's true."

"So, show her," Andy encouraged. "Show her you're invested in the baby, show her you're invested in her and figure out a way to make it work!"

"I will," Maya said, nodding, suddenly feeling a bit more positive at her prospects of winning Carina's affections back.

~~~

Though she wanted to resist Maya's offer of help, she knew that she couldn't carry her suitcase and hangers without receiving a lecture. It didn't matter how much Carina knew, she was not immune from the rules that stemmed from Maya Bishop's love of pregnancy books.

So, she silently collected the smaller items from the back of her Porsche and let Maya carry the rest. At least it would give the blonde something to do, something other than presenting Carina with another well-balanced meal. Carina loved food, but she was starting to rethink that.

When Maya carried the last of her things into the guest room, she turned to Carina with a furrowed brow. "Do you know what? I'm going to move everything into the main bedroom – there's an ensuite, you're going to need that far more than I will. It makes more sense for you to be in there. I'm happy to take the guest room," she said, already busily moving Carina's things from one room to the other.

Carina wanted to argue this one – she hated that bedroom. She'd spent months laying alone, hoping for Maya to get help, only to keep avoiding her. The last thing she wanted was to spend more time laying alone in that bed. Not when she desperately hoped they'd be next to each other. But, Maya did make an excellent point… she did need that ensuite. She would have to swallow her discomfort and make her peace with the bedroom to enjoy the sweet benefits of a short walk to pee.

"Can I get you something to drink?" Maya asked between trips. "Maybe something to eat?"

Carina shook her head. She couldn't possibly drink any more water, her bladder wasn't big enough to accommodate the amount of water Maya seemed to think she should be drinking. Nor was her stomach powerful enough to contain the snacks Maya wanted her to eat between meals. She had been looking for someone to take care of her, but this was taking it too far.

When Maya finished moving things around she expected her to sit down, but no, she stripped the bed and started remaking it with a bed set she'd never seen before. She stood at the door with a raised eyebrow, "Where did that come from?"

"Hm?" Maya asked turning after she was sure the edges were straight. "Oh, the?" she pointed at the bed. "I thought the room could use something new."

Carina nodded. Though it wasn't exactly her taste, the geometric shapes did scream Maya Bishop. Her eyes shifted from the bed to the rest of the room, she realized it wasn't just the bedspread that had changed. Maya had painted the room. The feature wall had been transformed – a fresh coat of a mid-tone blue. It matched the new bedding. The remaining walls were also freshly painted, a shade of white presumably. It certainly felt different thanks to its facelift.

"Are you working later?" Carina asked, though she wasn't really sure why she wanted to know. She didn't have plans, she wasn't inviting anybody over, she just wanted to know if she'd get a minute to herself without hiding in a bedroom she hated.

"No," Maya said with a shake of her head. "I have an appointment with Diane, though. I'll put a copy of my work schedule on the fridge," she added.

Carina wondered if she was open to discussing her therapy journey or if it was something she would keep close to her chest.

"It's probably my last appointment," Maya offered. "Well, no. Um. I've been having them once or twice a week, but after today, Diane thinks once a month is probably fine. So," she shrugged. "Gonna do that and see how things are."

"That's good," she nodded. Inside, she was delighted that Maya had chosen to share that with her. There was also a sense of relief that she was still going to therapy, even after she'd been cleared to return to work. That was… good, that was really good. She had been so certain Maya was only committed to her appointments with Diane so she could clear her return to work. That obviously wasn't the case if she was going to continue their sessions.

There was still a deep, abiding fear that she was a box on a checklist, that now the baby was a box on the checklist. Though, Maya had been incredibly dedicated to delivering everything she could want or need long before she had the chance to want or need it. Did that make it more or less likely they were boxes on a checklist?

"It's still weird," Maya shrugged. "To talk about things and stop worrying about judgement? I couldn't be guarded with Diane if I tried, she's just so… she's just really good at what she does."

"That's good," Carina nodded. "Everyone should have a space they feel comfortable opening up in."

Neither commented on the undertone in Carina's statement, but they were both aware of what she was driving at. Maya swallowed, that familiar sense of shame crawling down her spine as her cheeks flushed in embarrassment. She wasn't sure what to say, so she chose instead to separate herself from the situation. She knew she deserved it, but that didn't make it hurt any less. She closed the guest room door behind her and leaned against it as she counted through a deep breathing exercise, frantically wiping tears from her cheeks.

Carina had always been the space she felt comfortable opening up in, and she wasn't sure when that changed. Though, she didn't think it was Carina that was the problem, it was her – she knew it was her. Something within her changed and she recognized that she would need to protect Carina from it. That was the coward's way; she should have had the courage to call Diane then. Maybe if she hadn't faced all the fuss with her job on her wedding day, maybe she would have recognized that telling her Dad off to his face wasn't sufficient. That was a balm, but it wasn't a cure. It didn't heal anything, it temporarily soothed the pain and then it wore off and the infection spread, tainting everything within its reach.

She sensed that Carina wasn't willing to give her another chance – that her actions to heal were too late. It's why she'd avoided her since lasagna-gate, it's why she hadn't responded to Maya's attempts to show her the changes she'd made, she didn't want to know, and they would still be in each others lives because of the child they had on the way. That was something she'd need to make peace with, she tried to remind herself of that – that this was her own fault. She had nobody to blame but herself, she may have felt Carina was being harsh… but, after what she'd done, wasn't that her prerogative?

Carina pushed herself off the couch and walked into the bedroom. It still hurt, it still made her feel a tinge of anger, but she could admit that the change of bedding and paintjob did make a difference. It felt brighter, warmer, and looked a lot less like the personal hell it had been for the months prior. She knew she'd upset Maya with her comment, and that wasn't her intention at all. She wanted to be positive because she was so relieved Maya was following through, but she just couldn't help herself – she couldn't stop herself from putting that barb in her statement.

She was more than aware she'd need to make peace with what had happened, whether it was part of healing their relationship to rebuild their marriage or to co-parent peacefully. She couldn't keep taking pot shots at Maya, that wasn't appropriate. As distrusting as she was of the new Maya, she knew she was trying and if she was trying, she shouldn't be trying to make her feel bad.

Carina shook her head.

Had she been too harsh by moving into a hotel? Maya screamed that they were over if she walked out that door and she did, she walked out that door. Sure, it was an act of desperation and she was so deeply unwell, but she said it and Carina heard it. She didn't believe Maya would pursue help after that unless she left. She had to make her realize how close she was to the edge – how close both of them were to the edge.

So, why couldn't they just get out of their own way and address it? It still hurt too much. Carina still hurt too much – she ached at the time they'd lost, and it didn't matter how hard she tried to rationalize that this wouldn't undo that, she was desperate to keep herself safe from more hurt.

~~~

If Carina was in the mood for honesty, she would recognize her want to hold onto the anger she still felt was greater than her will to forgive Maya.

Did she want to be with her wife?

Yes.

Did she still love her?

Desperately.

But this woman had pulled away so hard that Carina was convinced she meant it when she threatened her with the end of her relationship if she chose to 5150 her.

It didn't matter how many times she reminded herself that she was mentally unwell, it didn't erase the hurt. So, she wanted to sit with her anger for longer – she wanted to look at Maya and rage about how she'd essentially abandoned her throughout some of the most difficult months of her life.

She had been grieving every failed pregnancy test, and Maya was putting everything into work. Desperate to make up for her mistakes on the job, desperate to show the Chief she was worth a second chance, desperate to be free of Sean Beckett so she had one less thing on her shoulders to stress about.

Not so desperate to come home to her sad wife.

Maya could pack her lunches now.

She could make a fuss over her hydration levels, fluff her pillows, buy a selection of pregnancy pillows, and paint the bedroom. That didn't erase what had gone before.

"Carina?"

She was so caught up in her internal battle she didn't hear Miranda Bailey walking into her office.

"Carina!"

It was the snapping fingers in front of her face that brought her out of her haze. Her eyes were on Miranda, but she was still slightly dazed.

"You okay?"

"I'm so sorry," she shook her head, "I was just thinking."

"Your ultrasound is later, right?"

Carina nodded. That wasn't what she was thinking about, but it was a great cover.

"Should I prepare Jo for a tightly wound Bishop?"

Carina closed her eyes. She hadn't actually told Maya about the ultrasound, which she was fully aware was the opposite of what they'd agreed. The opposite of what they'd intended.

"Oh," Miranda nodded, taking a seat. "So, things aren't going well?"

Carina shrugged. "She's trying very hard."

"And that's a bad thing?"

Carina shook her head. "It's making me more angry at her."

Miranda's brows furrowed as she tried to make sense of the limited information Carina was providing. "She's trying hard, and that makes you angry at her because…"

"She could have tried harder sooner," Carina sighed, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Ah. Well that made sense.

"Okay," Miranda nodded confidently now that she had a greater sense of what she was dealing with. "I know that it's difficult to separate the emotions from the reality, but you're a doctor. You grew up with a difficult father who had a disease that-"

"Ugh!" Carina groaned.

"Okay, you know all that," Miranda offered. "The point is, as much as Maya hurt you and you have a right to process those feelings, she wasn't your Maya. She was sick and now she's healing. If she's trying and you can see it's genuine, you have to find a way to let go of your anger because it isn't serving you well. It isn't hurting Maya, well, it probably is, but it isn't only hurting her, it's hurting you too."

It was hurting her.

Deeply.

It was about to be hurting Maya, too, if she didn't tell her about the ultrasound and make sure she was there for it.

"It must be a real pain in the ass," Miranda sighed. "How do you separate the happiness of having a baby with the woman you love from the despair of nothing being right in the relationship with the woman you love?"

Carina made a face.

"This baby is both of yours," Miranda reminded. As though Carina could ever forget it. "And as hard as it might be to separate it from everything else, you have to. Especially if you want to fix it – don't make short-term decisions that will ruin your big picture."

Miranda stood, offered Carina a small smile, and left without another word.

Carina groaned. Miranda was right. Obviously. Carina already knew all that, knowing something and being able to separate those emotions were two very different things. She knew Maya was on shift, so texting her about the ultrasound now probably meant she wouldn't make it. She wasn't sure how to deal with her inevitable disappointment because she would be disappointed.

Or angry.

Carina remembered how angry she'd been when she took the pregnancy test without her. Regardless, she was doing the thing she said she wouldn't do. She had no other choice but to text her about the ultrasound.

If she was lucky, maybe Maya wouldn't ask too many questions about the scheduling. Maybe she would accept the excuse Carina planned to make, that it had slipped her mind with everything else going on. Maya would probably encourage her to use the calendar on the fridge, where she had outlined her entire schedule for the rest of time. She would make sure she was at the next one and they'd forget it ever happened.

Maya gasped when her phone lit up with a text message from Carina. She hadn't actually texted her since lasagna-gate, not even since moving back in. It had been decidedly chill and Maya wasn't really sure how to move the dial. Given they were under the same roof, Maya had stopped texting to check in because she could check in with her in person.

"You okay?" Vic asked, peering at her Captain over her cereal bowl.

"Yeah," Maya nodded. "Carina-" she covered her mouth with her hands as she actually read the message. "She has an ultrasound today."

"Oh? That's exciting!" Vic sat up at attention, hoping to hear more. Maya hadn't said much about the pregnancy beyond confirming that they were expecting a baby.

Maya shook her head. It was exciting, but she couldn't even feel excited about it because Carina had waited until the last minute to let her know. "It's in an hour," she said sadly.

"Oh, kind of last minute," Vic said with a frown.

"She doesn't want me there," Maya sighed.

Vic's brows lifted. "She said that?"

"Not in so many words, but she waited until now to tell me about an ultrasound that was probably scheduled well in advance. So, read between the lines."

Vic swallowed. "Oh. So, things aren't good at home?"

Maya shook her head. She didn't really know what else to say because she certainly thought things were getting better and apparently, she was wrong. She was going to miss out on all of her baby's exciting milestones and it was her own stupid, selfish fault.

"I need to go," Maya said, standing. "I need to be there," she was talking to herself now. "Andy can take over, it's only a couple of hours," she muttered as she wandered off in search of a Lieutenant, any Lieutenant. "Herrera," she found her in the gym. "I need you to take over – Carina has an ultrasound in an hour and I need to be there."

"Uh, great planning Cap," Gibson joked, immediately backing down when Maya glared at him. "You didn't know… I see. I'm gonna shut up now."

"I've got everything under control, Cap. Go see your kid," Andy assured her.

Maya didn't waste time changing out of her uniform, even though the team's shift would likely be over by the time she got back to the station. Her only concern was arriving in time because if she didn't make it to Carina's office before she set off, she wouldn't be able to find her in that hospital. She wasn't even sure whether the team would welcome her, who knows what they knew about the state of their relationship or what had unfolded in the hospital that day.

She glanced at her watch, she still had enough time to get to Carina's office and stop for a sandwich, so she made a quick detour.

The look of shock on Carina's face when she walked into her office wasn't lost on Maya – she told her about the ultrasound at the last minute and she was shocked to see her there. So, Maya had been right when she suggested to Vic that she hadn't really wanted her there.

So much for peaceful co-parenting.

"Hey," Maya tried to swallow the hurt. "I brought you a sandwich, I wasn't sure if you brought lunch with you." Maya deposited the small brown bag on Carina's desk.

An act that she would have previously found adorable felt more like an attempt to smother. "I brought my own lunch," Carina commented, not even sparing a glance at the bag Maya had placed in front of her. She was lying and she didn't know why, especially given Maya was due home before her and would see her lunch still sitting in the fridge exactly where she'd left it.

"Okay," Maya shoved her hands in her pocket. She wasn't sure what to do with herself. Carina hadn't invited her to take a seat, and she could feel the cold shoulder. Rather than hovering while Carina finished up what she was working on, Maya stepped away from the desk and simply hovered at the couch. She chided herself when she felt her bottom lip quiver, biting it as she tried to blink away the tears that threatened.

If she focused on the baby, she could almost forget about how awful everything else was. She could hold onto that spark of joy and calm herself down.

~~~

She felt a little lighter now that she had a little printout of their baby – concrete evidence that it was real. She'd even felt herself thawing to Maya, it was hard not to when the wonder on her face was so clear. When Carina had dreamed of being pregnant and having a child with Maya, that was one of the things she'd been looking forward to. She had been thinking about how excited her wife would be to hear the news, how delighted she'd be at the first ultrasound, and even how many questions she was likely to ask.

The wonder was there, she was clearly delighted by the sight of the baby on screen and the sound of its heartbeat. She had seen the list of questions Maya had been compiling, but she didn't ask them.

She couldn't understand why she hadn't asked them.

"Carina, hey!"

Carina turned, brow furrowed in confusion until she saw Andy breaking away from a small group of firefighters to make her way over to her.

"Hi, Andy," she nodded politely. She hadn't seen many of the firefighters from Station 19. Ben had convinced her to return to the clinic, but she'd kept things professional with everyone, generally friendlier with Ben, Jack, and Vic than anyone else in the team.

"Congratulations," Andy smiled when she was standing directly in front of Carina. "Maya told me the news. You must be so excited."

Carina nodded. She was, of course, though her expectations were tempered. "I am."

Andy's smile faltered, she was kind of hoping Carina would say we, but she couldn’t really speak for Maya right now. "Kinda wild," she added. "I think I'd be terrified. God, I love babies, but the thought of having one of my own is literally horrifying," she started rambling, now questioning why she went out of her way to start this conversation. "I had to give Maya a pep talk to keep her from spiraling," she laughed.

That drew a confused look from Carina – Maya hadn't seen in the slightest bit overwhelmed by the news. In fact, as far as Carina could see, Maya was dealing with it better than she was and she hadn't even had the same length of time to process it.

"You know what she's like," Andy must have realized how her comment sounded, immediately jumping into repair mode trying to smooth things over. "Just, in her head," Andy shrugged. "But I told her she has to be invested in the baby."

Carina didn't think Maya needed to be told that at all, if anything that's the one thing Maya was invested in. Carina wasn't as convinced that she was still invested in making their marriage work, but she could definitely see Maya's investment in their child.

"She's been caught up at work, trying to fix Beckett's mess," Andy shook her head.

Carina frowned. Why would Maya be cleaning up after Beckett. It was clear from the look on Andy's face that she'd said something wrong, she belatedly realized that Carina wouldn't know the latest station news given the state of things. If anything, she thought Ben would have looped her in by way of Miranda. "Beckett got the boot and Ross made Maya Captain again, on probation, but still- Anyway," Andy trailed off. "I just wanted to say congratulations," she said awkwardly, her thumb already jerking in the direction she'd come from. "I should go."

Carina watched her back as she wandered back to the team of firefighters she'd broken off from to start the deeply unsettling conversation.

Was Maya faking it?

Why wouldn't she have told her about getting her captaincy back?

"Excuse me, Dr. Wilson?"

Jo turned, surprised to see Maya Bishop in front of her given they'd just said their goodbyes.

"Uh, yes, Captain Bishop?"

"Maya, please," she said nervously, shifting from foot to foot. "It's just that I-" she took a deep breath. "I just had some questions and I wondered if you had a couple minutes."

Jo spotted the notebook in Maya's hand and she could see a list of carefully written questions that covered most of the page. She always gave patients and partners the time to ask questions at the end of an appointment, so she wasn't sure why she didn't take the opportunity, but she did know the fire captain had been going through something of late. Jo nodded. "Sure, why don't we head back into the exam room for privacy."

Maya nodded, relieved to hear a yes.

"You know, when I asked if there were any questions at the end of the exam, I was asking you too," Jo informed her. "You're allowed to ask questions. I don't expect Carina to because… well, she already knows everything. But, that doesn't mean you can't."

Maya nodded. She knew the floor was open to her to ask questions, but she didn't want to look stupid in front of Carina. "Um, yeah, okay," she agreed, realizing that Jo wouldn't be willing to extend this service to her every time.

"I get it," Jo offered, "It's intimidating to ask questions in front of someone who knows everything about the subject," she said with a smile.

Maya laughed nervously, but she nodded in agreement.

Carina was intimidating.

Chapter Text

"Come in," she spoke through a mouthful of sandwich, but her response was obviously clear enough given that Jo Wilson walked in seconds later.

"Ohhh, is this from that deli around the corner?" Jo didn't need to ask, she could see from the paper bag on Carina's desk that it was.

Carina nodded, taking another bite while she waited for Jo to get to the point. The sandwich was too delicious to resist, and the moment she stepped back in her office and saw the paper bag exactly where Maya had left it, she couldn't resist it any longer.

"So, I know we're colleagues… mentor and mentee… and I don't know your business. At least, not the way you definitely know my business," Jo rushed to add. "And maybe I should keep my mouth shut and mind my business, it's just that," she blew a breath out. "Maya came to see me after your appointment because she had a long list of questions to ask."

Carina's eyes widened at that. "Oh?"

Jo nodded. "Yeah, like 27 of them."

Carina laughed at that.

"I told her she was allowed to ask during the appointment," Jo added.

Carina nodded. "I knew she was making a list of questions, I thought it was strange she didn't ask them." That was so much more in line with Maya than Andy's comments.

Jo wasn't sure whether she should offer her opinion as to why she didn't ask them, but she had one. "I think she was maybe too embarrassed to ask her questions in front of you."

Carina made a face. If their relationship was okay, she would find that preposterous, but given the state of things between them… Jo might have been right. Maya didn't suddenly lose her intense curiosity, but she did clearly feel self-conscious with Carina most of the time. That brought the guilt back full force and the hormones, the fucking hormones had tears pricking her eyes. What was the point of moving back into the apartment if she was going to make her feel self-conscious? How would she truly heal if she couldn't even relax in her own home?

It didn't matter how awful Carina had it for all those months, Maya had apologized for that, and they would never move forward if Carina didn't learn to let go of some of that resentment.

"Are you okay?"

Carina hadn't even realized that the tears had gone from pricking to falling. She just nodded, still focused on finishing her sandwich.

"Okay," Jo nodded. "Anyway, I've got a patient to check. I'll catch you later."

Carina groaned. She really needed to get a fucking grip.

If she overcame Maya's infidelity as quickly as she did, she needed to find a way to overcome this. She was holding this against her when she'd had less control here than… oh, Carina sighed. Maybe this was the cumulative effect of moving past cheating so quickly, maybe she was holding onto this one tightly because of how much hurt there had been before.

Emotions are tricky.

But now that she recognized that, well, she could separate the tangle of emotions. That might make things easier. At least, she might be able to feel more confident in Maya's presence. Maybe she could stop taking potshots. This behavior would have made more sense if she'd slept with someone else, but she'd had a mental break.

Maybe she should write that on a post-it note as a reminder.

~~~

Maya went home via the station, to change out of her uniform and ensure Andy hadn't left any pending reports for her to deal with.

After a 36-hour shift, she was looking forward to easing into the comfort of her own bed. Well, the guest bed, but it was close enough. Her mind was still swirling with the answers Jo had provided to all her questions. She couldn't wait to have a short nap and then go through her notebook of answers. Though she sensed Carina's hesitance for her to be fully involved, she was going to do everything she could to support her.

Even if she had to do it quietly.

Her face contorted in confusion when she opened the fridge to grab the jug of water and spotted Carina's lunch sitting front and center. She frowned, saddened that Carina felt the need to lie about lunch. Was it because she hadn't realized she'd forgotten it? Or, was she embarrassed and worried Maya would lecture her? She knew she'd been going overboard with meals, but it was the one way – the only way – she could actually contribute to the process. She thought it had been welcomed, but maybe that was just another thing she'd read wrong.

She used to be much better at reading her wife.

She really wasn't sure what else she could do to prove to Carina that she was trying. She knew they'd have a hard time adjusting to living under the same roof while being… whatever they were, but she'd expected the open wound to start healing by now. Maya had her regrets, and she had her fears, and now she was essentially living in terror for the day Carina announced she would be moving out.

If Carina couldn't recognize that this was her trying, she wasn't sure what it would take.

She tried to put those thoughts out of her mind so she could get at least a few hours of sleep. Unfortunately, sleep eluded her. Probably because she knew that notebook was sitting waiting for her to uncover all its secrets. So, she gave up on her attempt to nap and grabbed the notebook from the nightstand and opened it to read it through. It wasn't that she didn't remember what Jo had told her. In fact, she retained more of it because she'd been listening and writing at the same time. She didn't want to simply retain it, she wanted to understand every inch of it.

She needed to be prepared for any eventuality, and she would be.

She'd given up on bed and opted to read through her notes on the couch, she'd be more likely to fall asleep for a nap that way. That's precisely how her afternoon played out. In no time at all, she was snoring on the couch having finally read through the entirety of her notes twice.

She was sleeping peacefully until Carina pushed the front door open with a loud greeting of "Ciao!"

Maya wasn't sure what had changed between the ultrasound appointment and now, but Carina was definitely in a much better mood.

The first thing she did was thank her for the sandwich, casually commenting that she hadn't even realized she'd forgotten her lunch. Maya smiled, more than happy to have come to her wife's rescue. If that wasn't enough, she announced that she'd ordered pizza on her way home and thought they deserved an evening of relaxation on the couch, suggesting they enjoy dinner with a movie.

Carina relaxed on the couch while Maya cleaned up after dinner. It wasn't that she was unwilling to help, it was that Maya simply wouldn't let her. Not that two plates and a couple of glasses was much work, but still. According to Maya, it was her domain now, not Carina's.

Carina had dropped a dozen hints over the course of the evening, but she wasn't sure if Maya had picked up what she was putting down. She realized the only way to get what she wanted, nay, what she needed, was to ask for it.

"Do you think you could rub my legs?"

There was a tinge of hope in Carina's voice when she made the request and Maya didn't even think twice. She immediately took up her position on the couch and captured one of Carina's calves between her hands. Carina said she was allowed to participate in the pregnancy, and if she was allowed to enjoy all the wonder, then she could at least provide Carina with some relief.

Once her legs were well taken care of, Maya shifted her attention to Carina's shoulders. Carina was only too happy to move and make space for Maya to sit behind her, enjoying the warmth of her wife's body as she sat between her legs. Maya knew where the majority of Carina's stress tended to rest in her muscles, but now there were additional hotspots, thanks to the baby changing the shape of her body. "Are you allowed to have professional massages during pregnancy?"

Carina nodded, too caught up in Maya's hands to think about anything else.

"Maybe I should schedule you in for a massage," Maya pondered aloud. "I mean, I'm more than happy to provide my services for free, I'm just thinking about how much more enjoyable it would be if it was done by a professional."

"Your hands feel pretty professional to me," Carina groaned as Maya hit the exact spot that had been plaguing her.

Maya smiled at that, trying not to let the compliment go to her head. She was surprised when Carina leaned back against her once her massage was complete. The sigh came naturally, having Carina so close to her gave her a huge sense of relief. She desperately wanted to wrap her arms around her and squeeze her, but she still didn't know what Carina was comfortable with or what she was allowed to do.

So, when Carina leaned her head back onto Maya's shoulder and looked up with big, soft brown eyes, she wasn't sure if she was reading her correctly. She knew that look well enough, but she hadn't seen it in so long she wasn't sure if she could trust herself.

"Baciami."

She had read it correctly.

It probably wasn't fair, but Maya's lips on hers felt so right. There was so much emotion between them still, despite all the confusion. Of course there was, they were still wives. They were still in love. They'd just lost their way – Maya had lost her way, but she'd been trying so hard to find her way back to that path they'd been walking together.

There was something incredibly sweet about the way Maya's lips stayed pressed to hers, but her hormones had other ideas and as awkward as the position was, she hopefully opened her mouth in invitation. She felt relief at Maya's immediate response and that relief was quickly erased by intense arousal. She knew sex would be taking it too far, but she soaked up the attention of Maya's mouth on hers, delighted by just how fabulous it felt. The feeling of Maya's hand on the side of her face, her thumb stroking her jaw as her fingers glanced her throat was starting to silence the alarm bells in her head. It felt so good and she was so pregnant, why shouldn't her baby's mother provide her with relief?

So, when Maya's hand slipped into the waistband of her underwear, she nodded immediately, more than happy to take what she was offering.

~~~

Maya walked into work with a pep in her step. Unfortunately, it was incredibly obvious why that step was so peppy and a grinning Vic wasted no time slipping into her office with a face full of grin and a pocketful of questions.

"Captain," she nodded officially, desperately trying to keep a straight face.

"Yes, Victoria?"

Vic smiled. "Did you have a good night off?"

Maya nodded, holding out the sonogram for Vic, hoping that would suffice as an explanation for her mood.

"Aw, Cap," Vic grinned as she held the ultrasound in her hands. "So, the ultrasound went well?"

Maya shrugged. "She was shocked to see me, so I think I was right about her not really wanting me there. But, something must have happened after that because when she got home she had already ordered pizza and she thanked me for the sandwich I'd brought."

"You took her a sandwich?"

Maya nodded.

"Yesterday?" Vic questioned. "You made time to get her a sandwich before you got to the hospital?"

Maya nodded again. "Yeah, but she didn't even look at it, she said she brought lunch from home. When I got home, her lunch was in the fridge. I don’t want to call her a liar, but I think she knew that," Maya said, shaking her head. "Anyway, she thanked me for it when she got home and said she didn't realize she'd forgotten her lunch."

"But you think she was lying?"

"I sound insane. I can't explain it. Anyway, by the time she got home it was like she was a completely different person. She asked for a massage."

Vic made a face. "And that's a good thing?"

"Yes! It means she's comfortable enough for me to touch her."

Vic knew something had happened between them, but she was starting to realize she actually had no idea how bad it was. She couldn't imagine Carina not wanting Maya's touch, but Maya would know better than her.

"Maybe it isn't over," Maya said softly and Vic tried to keep her jaw from dropping.

Over?

She clearly had missed more than she'd realized because she had no idea that Maya thought her marriage was over and Carina hadn't mentioned Maya at all.

Oh.

Carina hadn't mentioned Maya at all.

Fuck.

"I've been waiting," Maya added, "But without really waiting because Carina hasn't actually given me any indication that she wants me to wait. How can I not? She's my wife. She's carrying our baby. What else am I supposed to do?"

"I didn't know-"

Maya shook her head before Victoria could say more. "Only Andy knows," she sighed. "I don't exactly want the entire team knowing what a fuck up I am, not when I only just proved that I'm not a fuck up at work."

Vic frowned. "Maya, you've been struggling for a while and the team knows that, but I can assure you that none of us think you're a fuck up. I mean, at least here. We don't know what stupid shit you do at home."

Maya laughed and shook her head.

"The team trusts you, even if you went through a moment. And, I hope that whatever happened after your appointment is a new start for you and Carina. I know how much you love each other."

Maya knew sex wasn't the answer, but she couldn't deny how good it felt to touch Carina again. She knew their troubles weren't over, and she knew Carina was probably desperately battling an influx of hormones, but Maya would take it as a win that Carina trusted her enough to make herself vulnerable.

It was the proof she needed to believe they had a chance.

~~~

She walked into the house with that feeling of hope still fueling her and smiled when she saw Carina in the kitchen. "Hey, how was your day?" she asked, kicking off her shoes at the door. She left her backpack on the floor behind her, following her nose into the kitchen where she found Carina making a batch of meatballs.

"Good," she looked up and smiled. "You?"

Maya nodded. "Very quiet, it was like Seattle decided to just… take a break. I was talking to the Captain at 42 and he said it was quiet in their neck of the woods, too. I guess it was a movie day for everyone," she shrugged.

"That's good. And the team? Are they okay?"

Maya knew how to read between the lines. She nodded. "Yeah, Vic gave me a bit of a pep talk. That helped. I think um, well, I think maybe I'm being paranoid a little. Like, none of them actually realized how bad things were anyway. Even Vic."

Carina frowned. That might have made Maya feel better, but it certainly didn't make her feel better given the team was entrusted with her wife's welfare. "I want you to be safe."

Maya looked up in confusion, "I am safe," she said with a shake of her head.

"Maya," she said with that warning tone she hadn't heard in a while.

"Carina, I'm being safe. I'm working hard with Diane and when she's satisfied with the work we've done, she's going to refer me to another therapist, someone she thinks will be suited to dealing with my particular… issues. Her name is Dr. Hart. She specializes in childhood trauma and abuse, specifically stemming from being a trophy kid," she laughed as she said it. "I honestly had no idea they came so specialized.

Carina smiled, "That's really good." She didn't expect her to work with Diane for as long as she had, but to hear she was going beyond that to work with someone even more specialized was astounding. "Why… why now?"

Maya's eyes widened. "Carina, I can't risk going back to that state of mind again. Not just for me, but the baby? I can't," she shook her head. "You were right. If we want to break terrible family patterns, then I have to do the work now to make sure I don't repeat the same mistakes. I was too… caught up to realize how bad I was spiraling. I know you were trying to tell me, and I'm sorry I didn't hear you."

Carina nodded, "Obviously I wished you'd gotten help sooner, but I'm glad you're doing it now." As glad as she was to hear Maya say she wanted to break their family patterns, it didn't do much to allay her fears that Maya's motivation was solely about the baby. But, beggars couldn't be choosers.

"So, do you need any help with dinner?"

Carina shook her head. "I have everything under control. It's just meatballs," she smiled. "I did pick up a loaf of delicious bread, though."

"Fresh parmesan?" Maya questioned, already knowing the answer to the question.

Carina merely responded with an aggressive roll of her eyes, Maya laughed as she picked up her backpack and made her way to the guest room.

Sex fixes everything.

Chapter Text

Though Maya was certain that the sex had been the turning point, she was eager to avoid a repeat performance. It wasn't that she didn't want to have sex with Carina, she definitely did, she just didn't want to rebuild their relationship by relying on their physicality.

Carina hadn't suggested that the sex had changed anything between them. She hadn't said she was open to listening to Maya's apologies or that she would be willing to sit down and discuss trying to repair their marriage.

She thought the best way to avoid being served divorce papers by her pregnant wife would be to just stay quiet. If she pushed Carina too hard, too soon it would likely backfire. She just had to wait and hope.

"Maya?"

She looked up from the book she was reading, trying to cover her shock at Carina appearing in front of her. She'd been reading quietly for hours and she hadn't heard Carina arrive home. "Is everything okay?" she asked when Carina didn't continue.

"I've been calling you all day," she said, hands on her hips and eyes narrowing as she watched Maya's face flicker with surprise.

"You've been calling me?" she asked, pointing at herself in obvious shock. She dropped her book, looking for her phone, her brow furrowing as she realized it wasn't there. "What the-" she stood, moving the cushions she'd been leaning on until she found it down the side of the couch, seeing the numerous missed calls from Carina. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry, is everything okay?"

When Maya looked up from her phone and found her eyes, Carina could see shame and that wasn't what she wanted at all. Carina held a hand up, "Everything is fine, I promise. I had some extra blood tests, I just wanted to keep you in the loop."

Maya sighed in relief, a small smile appearing on her lips. "Did you get the results?"

Carina shook her head, "Not yet – I just," she shook her head. "I just wanted to make sure you knew, but when you didn't answer I got a little worried."

Maya tried to keep her smile from widening, but she kind of loved that Carina was worried about her. "I'm really sorry, I was just reading, I didn't realize my phone had walked off."

Carina nodded. "I should get the results tomorrow – you know they like to rush these things for us, but the lab is backed up so we wait. It's nothing urgent anyway."

"Thanks for keeping me in the loop," she smiled. "And I'm sorry I worried you."

They exchanged shy smiles and Maya tucked her bookmark into place hoping she hadn't already lost her place when she ditched the book in search of her phone.

"So, did something happen? That they decided you needed blood tests?"

"Just some dizziness," Carina tried to say it casually, so Maya wouldn't worry.

Maya's eyes widened, immediately maneuvering Carina to sit on the couch. "What else?"

"That's all, I promise."

Maya nodded. "Can I do anything to help?" she asked, ready to run for just about anything.

"You do plenty – I eat all of the snacks you pack, I drink all of the drinks – we're just exercising an abundance of caution."

"Geriatric pregnancy," Maya nodded in understanding, stifling a laugh at the look of annoyance that flashed across Carina's face. She gave Carina her small smile and shot her a wink as she stood up. "So, what can I get you for dinner?"

"It's called advanced maternal age now, you know," Carina huffed, ignoring the question about dinner.

"Oh?" Maya adopted a look of surprise, as though Carina hadn't already said this dozens of times in the last two years. "Hm, they ought to spread that news more widely."

Carina scoffed, ready to retaliate when she noticed the tiny smirk at the corner of Maya's mouth. "Oh, okay," she nodded. "That's fine. I see what's happening."

"So," Maya stood up with a smile. "Dinner?"

"Steak," Carina's response was short. It didn't surprise Maya that much, though she hadn't had any lasting cravings, she did seem to enjoy meaty meals more recently.

"Even though it has to be well done?" Maya asked, horrified at the very thought of anything but medium.

"As long as you serve it with a baked potato," Carina shrugged.

Maya sighed, "How very American," she teased, choosing to leave out the part where she'd need to microwave those potatoes.

"Don't be shy with the sour cream!" called after her.

"Oh, I wouldn't dream of it," she shouted back, and she really wouldn't because historically, Carina had shown herself to be incredibly passionate about the ratio of sour cream to baked potato. She was heavy-handed and Maya suspected she'd use the entire tub if she could get away with it.

Maya had more questions, pregnancy-related questions, bloodwork-related questions, but she didn't want to overwhelm Carina with her anxiety. So, she waited until they'd finished dinner and relaxed on the couch before she thought about broaching the subject.

"Just ask," Carina interrupted her internal battle.

Maya raised a brow in surprise before turning to look at Carina. "Sorry?"

"I can hear you fretting," she said knowingly. She'd also picked up on the fact that Maya had been rubbing her wedding ring incessantly. It warmed her a little to see that Maya was still wearing it, and she wondered what Maya thought of the fact that she wasn't wearing hers. It probably didn't help with the feelings of uncertainty. "You're so stiff."

Maya sighed. She was stiff, she knew it. "What can we expect from the bloodwork results? You're obviously looking for something."

Carina shrugged. "We're not looking for anything specific, it's precautionary. Dizziness, shortness of breath, tiredness, irritability, pins and needles, all of these line up with some form of anemia, but we don't know."

"Wait," Maya said turning her entire body so she could stare at Carina, flabbergasted. "Are you having all those symptoms?"

Carina nodded.

"You said it was just dizziness."

Carina shrugged. "Yes, but the others… well, anyone can have those."

"Carina," Maya scoffed.

"I know," Carina nodded. "I just don't want you to worry."

Maya's eyes widened. "How very pot and kettle," she said with an annoyed shake of her head. "I need to know what's going on," she pushed. "I'm the one looking out for you," she reminded her, grabbing her hand and squeezing. Carina just nodded her agreement and Maya sighed heavily. "I'll look into anemia," she added. "To find out how best to help."

Carina smiled at that, but rather than add anything to the conversation she simply nodded. She couldn't resist a laugh when Maya immediately opened a browser tab on her phone. "I didn't realize you meant right now."

Maya looked at her in surprise, "When else?"

Carina sighed heavily, she couldn't be annoyed. It was endearing, and it wasn't lost on her that Maya had still kept a tight grip on her hand while she browsed what looked like an article from the Mayo Clinic. She tilted her head back against the couch and closed her eyes. Maya could read whatever she wanted, as long as she didn't let go.

She must have fallen asleep because the next thing she knew, Maya was squeezing her hand firmly, her other hand rubbing the side of her thigh. "Come on, it's time for bed," she urged. Carina took a deep breath, almost desperate to just soak up the feel of Maya's hands without thinking about how broken everything was. She accepted the help in getting up and let Maya walk her into the bedroom, "Do you need anything?"

Carina shook her head.

"Can I ask you a question?" Carina asked as she watched Maya open and close drawers to hand her a change.

"Sure," Maya nodded easily.

"How did you get your captaincy back?"

Maya laughed, "Well," she shook her head. "That's a big question for bedtime."

Carina nodded, changing into the clothes Maya handed her, not shy in doing so in front of her wife. "Why don't you sleep here?"

Maya raised an eyebrow at that.

"Come on," she encouraged.

Maya laughed, nodding in agreement. "Okay," she slipped out of the room to change and brush her teeth, returning ready for bed.

She started on top of the covers, unsure whether Carina would want her so close. Maya rolled onto her side and smiled when Carina did the same. "So?"

"Beckett fucked up," she sighed. "The day I brought you lasagna and didn't poison you was training day and Beckett fucked up. I don't know if he was drunk, but Andy and Sullivan seem to think so. Regardless, he and the lieutenant from the neighboring station had set the charges and something went wrong and the lieutenant… he didn't make it."

That was terrifying to hear – they weren't on a call? He was killed on a training day?

"And there likely would have been an investigation and all that, but the process had barely started when Beckett removed himself from duty by checking into rehab. But only after Andy hijacked his last call – we suspected he was drinking on the job and we mounted a mutiny."

Carina nodded. She was stunned, but she didn't want to show her shock lest Maya read it as judgment. She was relieved that it wasn't Maya that mounted the mutiny, that she joined with her team but didn't cause the drama.

"He called the union immediately obviously, which is what I should have done when McAllister-" she trailed off, another thought interrupting her flow. She shook her head. "Anyway, Ross approached me after that and asked if I was ready. I was pretty confused because ready for what? But she asked that I step up as acting captain. Maybe she felt bad about what she'd let Beckett do to me? Maybe… I don't know," Maya shrugged. "But she asked and I said yes. Then Beckett checked himself out of rehab and resigned from FD and Ross said she would make my position permanent, pending a probationary period."

"And she didn't hold your hospitalization against you?"

Maya closed her eyes as she sighed. "She asked if she should be concerned, and I said Diane had signed me off to return to work earlier… but I took the time I needed to get my head on straight."

"She did?" that surprised Carina, she assumed Maya returned to work immediately.

She nodded. "FD required the first session with Diane, the rest were on me. I used some vacation time to reset."

"Wow," Carina nodded. "I didn't realize," her nod quickly turned into a shake of her head, one of disbelief.

"My mind is much clearer now and Ross and I cleared the air. She might not trust me implicitly, but she trusted me enough to restore my captaincy. I don't know what went on in her mind before that, maybe she's worried how it would reflect on her – Beckett taking over from me and tanking every good thing I did."

"And you're ready?"

Maya nodded. "I had no plans to seek it out, when Beckett took leave, everyone started talking about what Ross would do and Andy and Sullivan started teasing each other about a race to Captain. I wouldn't have joined that race, that's for sure. I wouldn't be mentally prepared for a competition like that right now. And even though I was really surprised when she came to me, having it handed to me was a much different vibe than the thought of a competition."

Carina nodded. "That's really good, Maya. I'm happy for you," she adjusted her pillow, tucking one hand underneath to prop her head up. The other lay between them, perfectly within touching distance. Maya couldn't resist the temptation, covering Carina's hand with her own.

"I'm careful," she said. "I know it's scary, but I'm careful."

Carina believed that she meant it.

"And, I know I was circling the drain and I know how hard it was for you to make that call in the hospital. I'm tired of apologizing, so I just waned to say thank you."

Carina's eyes widened at that. "You're thanking me?"

"You saved my life," Maya said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I don't remember much after I was admitted, but Teddy told me later how dangerous it would have been for me to check myself out. I know my head wasn't… right, but, I understand how important it was that you made the decision you did. So, thank you."

"Your health is always the priority," Carina said quietly.

Maya shook her head, "Not anymore," she said, her eyes drifting down to Carina's stomach. "It's on my to-do list, your list is baking this baby. You don't need to worry about me right now, I promise I am being proactive with my mental health. I can balance it with taking care of you two."

~~~

Maya was still on top of the covers when she woke up, still in that same position she had fallen asleep in. Carina had watched her carefully, long after she nodded off. Now, like then, her face looked so relaxed, there was no furrow in her brow. Carina could be forgiven for not noticing the physical changes in Maya, she had been so caught up in everything else. She could see them now, though – the absence of the dark circles, the return of color in her cheeks, and it was a relief.

She truly looked like her Maya.

She turned to pick up her buzzing phone and found Maya's wide blue eyes open when she settled back in place with her phone open. "Morning," she offered with a small smile, trying not to focus on how adorable she looked.

"Morning," she smiled back, rolling onto her back to stretch. "How did you sleep?"

"Really well, actually," Carina confirmed. "You?"

"Same," she nodded, though she probably would have slept better had she slipped between the sheets. "Work?" she asked, her head pointing toward the phone in Carina's hand. She just nodded. "Unfortunately, one of my patients has arrived ready to go and so I have to head in early."

"Let me pack you a lunch first – maybe put a smoothie together for you to drink on the move if you don't have time for breakfast?"

Carina nodded, "That sounds great," she said, slipping out of bed, heading to the bathroom.

Maya bounced out of bed, made a pitstop in the guest bathroom and hit the kitchen, quickly packing Carina's lunch and gathering the fruits and vegetables to make a smoothie that would deliver all of Carina's health requirements.

Carina smiled as she emerged fully dressed for the day, noticing the lunch and smoothie ready on the counter. "Thank you, Maya."

Maya offered her a smile, "No problem, have a good day."

Maya had her own shift to get to, and there wasn't time for her to make another smoothie, or coffee, or anything actually. She'd be pushing it to make time to shower before heading out, she thought racing into the bathroom to throw the shower on.

The last thing she wanted to see when she walked into the station was Chief Ross. Despite being at the start of her probationary period, she thought she'd have more time to prove herself before any hand-holding took place. That was perhaps naive of her. "Chief," she greeted with a nod. "How are you?"

"Good," Chief Ross smiled. "Don't worry, this is just the usual drop-in – go about your day as normal," she added, already making her way upstairs.

That gave her some relief, but she wouldn't be able to shake her anxiety altogether. She was quick to change into her uniform, immediately joining the team upstairs. Not only was she desperate for a cup of coffee, she was eager to grab breakfast as well. Luckily, by the time she arrived there was some toast hitting plates so she could get something in her stomach to hopefully ease the churning.

Settle the stomach, calm the anxiety, and kick the ever-loving shit out of this day.

Ben groaned as he decanted scrambled eggs from pot to plate. "There's protestors hanging around Grey Sloan," he commented, catching Maya's attention immediately. That wasn't the type of news her anxiety needed. "They're harassing people going into the clinic," he sighed, "They've already requested additional police presence to keep a handle on things."

Maya pulled her phone out of her pocket, nothing from Carina. She sent her a quick text encouraging that she stay safe and be vigilant. She tried to put it out of her mind and focus on making a little breakfast sandwich out of scrambled eggs and sausage patties.

Travis made a face, watching as she added steak sauce to her concoction. "Are you pregnant?" he asked, clearly disgusted.

"That would be a miracle almost akin to Virgin Mary's birth," she scoffed, pushed the top slice of toast down onto her sandwich before slicing it in half. "Don't knock it til you try it," she said, pushing the bottle across the table closer to Travis. Though he made another face of disgust, he uncapped the bottle and poured a small amount of his plate, tentatively dipping his forkful of eggs into the sauce. He tilted his head, humming in surprise, "Okay, that's not bad actually."

"See what you can learn by being open-minded?"

He made a face at her, but used his fork to scoop the remaining sauce over the rest of his eggs. Maya just smirked. She would be the evangelist steak sauce needed to make the jump to breakfast condiment of choice.

Vic slid onto the bench next to her, bumping her shoulder playfully as she set another cup of coffee in front of her. Maya raised her eyebrows in surprise, casting a glance in her friend's direction.

"Carina texted," she informed her, "Thought you might not have had time to do all this before work this morning."

Maya smiled at that. Somehow, she was finding a way to still look after Maya even though Maya was dead set on being the one to look after her.

"She was right," Maya nodded, happily humming into the sip of coffee.

Vic snapped a photo of Maya drinking coffee, capturing the plate of food in frame, immediately sending it to Carina with a thumbs up.

"She usually is," Maya added, oblivious to Vic's interference.

Chapter Text

As unnerving as it had been to find Chief Ross lingering in the station when she arrived on shift, the Chief had stayed true to her word. She'd been hands off the entire morning, leaving the crew to attend calls on their own.

She had mostly remained holed up in what had once been Sullivan's office when he served as Battalion Chief. Maya wondered whether she was still dealing with the fallout from Beckett. Even though he resigned, she'd heard the department would complete the investigation without him.

Due diligence in case he tried to take legal action later.

Her attention was torn from her tablet by the sounding of the klaxon requesting the aid car to a nearby accident. She watched as Andy and Jack raced into the barn and hopped into the aid car, racing off. She stared into the distance as she considered how radically life had changed in the last several months.

Year?

Her spiral, her recovery, getting her job back when she least expected it, and trying to fix things with Carina. She wanted to fast track it, even now knowing that it wasn't the right way to move things forward. She wanted everything to be perfect because their baby arrived.

What she really needed to do was sit Carina down and force a conversation.

No, she didn't want to force her into anything. She simply wanted to open the door to a conversation. She wanted to at least determine whether Carina wanted to fix things the way she wanted to fix things.

If she didn't… well, it would hurt like hell, and it might take Maya some time to put herself back together, but she needed to know. The not knowing was making everything so much worse – it was like she was just waiting.

Without waiting.

Because she didn't know if she had the right to wait.

And if she didn't have the right to wait, then she needed to know now so she could work on making things as comfortable as possible between them. For better or worse, whether they were together or not, they had a baby to raise and Maya didn't want to miss a single second of it.

The thought of Carina taking time out of her morning to send Vic a text of concern… that seemed hopeful. The invitation to stay with her last night… that felt hopeful. The way Carina's eyes would soften when she looked at her, that felt… well, it felt beyond hopeful – it felt downright wonderful.

The klaxon tore her attention away from her thoughts; this time it was all hands on deck, the entire team racing through the station to climb into engine and ladder. "Hughes, let Gibson and Herrera know where we're headed so they can meet us there."

"I'll take the lead on this call, if that's okay with you," Ross spoke up, glancing over at Maya who simply nodded her agreement.

What else could she do?

In all honesty, it was a relief that she wouldn't have to take charge in front of her boss. She had been dreading it all day, but the fact that she'd been hands off to let them tackle calls all day without interference had further bolstered her confidence. She wasn't seized by sudden anxiety over her presence, she wasn't panicked that she was being watched.

She was Maya Bishop and she was going to be Maya Bishop.

~~~

Another hospital run complete, Andy finished the paperwork and waved to a couple of doctors she knew as she moved to return to the aid car where Jack was waiting. She smiled as she saw Carina walking with Amelia, speed walking in hopes to catch up, her hand poised to wave when she realized they were veering in another direction. Still, she caught Carina telling Amelia that her bloodwork showed her red blood cells were on the low end of the scale, suggesting anemia.

Andy could hear Amelia laughing in response to Carina saying it wasn't an iron problem because she hadn't met a pile of meat she wouldn't eat.

"I've been taking prenatal vitamins, but I did have really heavy periods in the run-up to pregnancy, that can be a precursor to anemia and the heavy vomiting," Carina sighed. "Maya has been making all my food so I know she's going to lose her mind with worry that it wasn't enough, but," she shook her head.

"What?"

"We will need to tweak things to make sure I'm getting plenty of B vitamins and probably have blood tests regularly to make sure everything is okay. Anyway, I need to get to the clinic, I'm sure Bailey is already annoyed I'm late."

Andy raised her eyebrows as they eventually moved out of earshot. It didn't sound too concerning, but she did hone in on the fact that she said Maya would be upset. She expected to find a very unhappy fire captain when she returned to the station.

"Herrera!" Jack called the moment she stepped foot outside. "We gotta go, we need to join the team on a call," he waved, getting back in the car and immediately firing up the engine of the aid car.

Arriving on scene at the Cascades, Andy was surprised to see Chief Ross on the call with 19. It could have something to do with Maya's probationary status, but still, it was disconcerting.

"Herrera! Gibson!"

Her head turned, spotting Hughes waving them over, the rest of the team was already getting into gear.

"Hey!" Andy shouted, joining Hughes to get into the appropriate suit. "Captain," she said quietly. "How you doing?"

"Uh, I'm fine… why?" Maya was still fidgeting with the straps of her harness before looking over to help Andy with hers.

Andy furrowed her brow. "Carina's bloodwork."

"How do you know about Carina's bloodwork?" Maya asked in total confusion, eyes still focused on Andy's harness.

"I heard her telling Amelia she's anemic."

"What?" Maya's jaw dropped, finally looking Andy in the eye.

"Yeah, when we were dropping that last patient off at the hospital. I overheard her on a walk and talk with Amelia – her red blood count was low."

Maya made a face.

"You didn't know," Andy grimaced.

Maya shook her head. Her phone was in the rig, she hadn't exactly taken a look at it so it was more than possible Carina had sent her a text or left a voicemail. She didn't love that she was wandering the halls of Grey Sloan discussing it before she knew, but she was somewhat relieved that at least her colleagues would look out for her now.

If Andy had delivered this news just a few weeks prior, it would have sent her into a tailspin.

Now?

She didn't jump to the worst case scenario, she didn't think it was because Carina hated her or didn't want her involved, there would be a reasonable explanation.

She was sure of it. She shook her head of any lingering thoughts of her personal life and put her Captain's hat on, literally and figuratively.

Though Maya was still very much Captain Bishop, Ross took the lead on the call – pairing the team and sending them off to explore the caves in search of their victims.

Using flashlights, the Chief was able to deduce precisely where the pair had fallen and the team rerouted to launch their rescue. Based on size, Maya volunteered to join Hughes, believing that her height and frame would be best suited to partner Vic.

And with the Chief on the job, well, it was ultimately her call. She would utilize the team as she saw fit. Luckily, she agreed with Maya and tapped her for the task. She hadn't seen a lot of action recently, and not just because she'd returned to Captain, but even before that she'd often been sidelined with shit jobs by Beckett. So getting an action-packed call was kind of exciting.

Clipped in and ready to repel down into the cave, Maya gave Hughes a fist bump as they exchanged confident nods. It had been a while since Maya had been paired with anyone other than Montgomery, so working with someone else felt a little strange, especially since retaking her captaincy.

She felt her confidence grow as they spoke quietly, inching their way further down the face of the cave, creating their plan of attack for when they would set down.

They could hear the squawk of Chief Ross' radio, but neither were paying any attention until they heard Grey Sloan being mentioned. That brought Maya to a halt, her hand on the cave face as she strained to hear what dispatch was reporting.

Maya's eyes widened as she heard warning of an incident at the Elena Bailey Memorial Reproductive Clinic – two doctors had been hit by a car, one of them pregnant.

She was sure that's what dispatch said.

Two doctors.

One pregnant.

Her breath hitched in her throat as she tried to replay it in her mind, desperate to make sense of what she had heard. "Vic?" she sounded desperate. "Victoria, did- what did she say? What did she say?" she immediately repeated, as though Hughes had ignored her question, rather than the panic swelling in her throat preventing her from giving Vic an opportunity to speak.

"I'm not sure," Vic offered quickly. "I didn't quite catch it."

"Carina's at work, she's at the clinic today," she was near tears now, her feet slipping from the cave wall as she squeezed her eyes shut trying to hold the tears in. "What-" she tried to focus on her breathing, but she couldn't quite catch hold of it. She was desperately trying to ask for more information, but she could barely keep it together enough to raise her voice. "Vic-" Hughes grabbed her hand, hoping to give her some balance as she tried to grip the wall with her feet and free hand.

"I'm with you, Maya," Vic assured her. "I'm right here, come on, you have to breathe," Vic tried her best to talk Maya down, to offer her comfort.

"Maya!"

"Captain Bishop!"

She could hear Andy's voice at the mouth of the cave, Chief Ross adding her authoritative one to the mix.

"Focus on the task at hand, Cap," Andy said firmly and Maya nodded, though Maya knew she couldn't see her. She focused on trying to maintain eye contact with Hughes as Vic nodded back, hoping it was giving Maya some comfort. She wasn't sure how best to give put her mind at ease because even though Hughes had said she didn't quite catch what dispatch had said, she absolutely did. She heard it clear as day, but she didn't think repeating the words would help Maya. She was certain Maya had heard what she'd heard, but was simply in denial.

"I will update you if we learn more," Chief Ross added, "But Lieutenant Herrera is right, you're a first responder, and you need to respond and help these victims now. Forget everything else, shut it all out, and just focus. You can't do anything else right now."

Hughes squeezed her hand, holding on tight as she watched her get her breathing under control. It would never fail to surprise Vic how she did it, but she did – she swallowed her emotions down, taking control of herself before expressing a deep breath, now fully composed. "Yes, Chief," she responded loudly, voice loud but still shaking slightly.

Maya managed to swallow it all down, she dug deep and she got through the call. She resisted the urge to lecture the annoying social media star, letting Hughes put her in her place. She resisted the urge to tell the annoying social media star's boyfriend that he should move on, that he could do better, that she was an immature self-centered moron who was wasting his time.

Maya went through the motions until they could finally escape the scene, excelling at her job, but her mind was on her wife.

The moment they were out of the cave and back into the engine, all Maya could think about was Carina. She raced to the engine to find her phone, and her face fell when she realized she hadn't had a text from her all morning. Nothing about the results of her bloodwork, nothing about there being protestors at the clinic, nothing at all. She wasn't sure whether she should feel better or worse; don't people usually say no news is good news? This didn't feel like good news. Good news would have been a text saying I'm okay. Silence was terrifying.

As for official updates, there hadn't been any other than the news that the pregnant doctor was in serious condition, that she'd been taken into surgery.

Maya needed to get to Grey Sloan. She had asked repeatedly how much longer it would be, trying to focus on breathing deeply, but unable to resist a comment or two about how she could run there quicker. Her hands with clammy, slick with sweat, and she could feel it spreading across her body. The rising anxiety wasn't great when she had left her prescription in the office.

She was surprised when Chief Ross told them to pull over so Maya could get out and run, but she didn't waste time thinking about it. She threw a thank you over her shoulder and took her off running.

As her feet pounded the ground, she realized this was the first time she had been for a run since her breakdown. Probably didn't really count, but she had been consciously avoiding this specific form of exercise as she worked with Diane.

It was a decision she thought would help her on her healing journey, learning how to use other tools from her mindfulness kit to deal with her spiraling thoughts or difficult emotions. It had been working, she wanted to get back to a point where running was freedom, not escape.

She put those thoughts out of her mind as she let her feet carry her a flew blocks until she reached the locked doors of Grey Sloan, relieved to have Ben arrive to stand by her side as they argued with a security guard who wasn't going to let them in until Teddy appeared and flexed her Chief muscles to make an exception for them.

While Ben immediately took off in in search of Pru and Miranda, Teddy grabbed Maya by the elbow, quickly guiding her through the halls.

"She's okay," Teddy assured, "She was in surgery," Teddy started, immediately regretting her choice of words when she saw the look of terror on Maya's face. "Performing," she added. "She wasn't hit, Maya. She was performing surgery, to deliver the baby from our patient. She did pass out after all the excitement of the day. She was the first one to jump into action to treat the doctor who took the brunt of the impact. It was traumatic event for everyone there. She's okay," she repeated.

Maya allowed a bit of relief to wash over her, nodding as she heard Teddy say she was okay again.

"She swears she ate the lunch you packed and her blood tests showed the same as the last set – anemia, but she's already started on B9 and B12 supplements. I think it was just the excitement of the day," Teddy trailed off. "She's okay." Maya noted that it was the third time she'd said that, that Carina was okay, "but I think she's shaken up," Teddy continued. "Both from the accident and from the collapse. She's been upset," Teddy paused. "She didn't want us to call you because she didn't want to worry you while you were at work."

Maya nodded, taking in everything Teddy was saying, her palm flat against the door as she mentally prepared herself to be the rock she knew Carina would need. "And the baby?" she asked quietly, suddenly feeling less than confident.

"The baby is absolutely fine," she assured her.

Maya closed her eyes and took a deep breath before shifting the flat of her hand from the door to the handle, nodding as she pushed it open. "Hey," she greeted, the moment she laid eyes on Carina. She looked pale, she looked exhausted, and she looked relieved to see Maya, which was a good sign. She wasted no time crossing the room to stand at Carina's bedside, her hand clutching her wife's in an instant. "How are you feeling?"

It was hard to know what was appropriate given the current state of their relationship, but Maya's hands had a mind of their own, and she didn't even realize her other hand was holding Carina's face until she watched her wife lean into the touch. "You're so pale," she commented, noting that Carina hadn't answered her first question.

"Did they call you?" Carina asked suddenly, confused as to how Maya had arrived so quickly, especially when the hospital had been immediately locked down following the accident. Teddy seemed to listen when she'd asked them to delay calling her, until closer to the end of her shift, but here she was.

Maya shook her head, "We were out on a call, I was repelling into a cave with Vic when dispatch radioed about the accident. I got here as quickly as I could because they couldn't tell us who'd been hit. I'm so glad you're okay." The last part came out as barely more than a whisper, but only because she was taken aback by Carina drawing her into a hug. If she needed comfort, Maya was more than happy to provide it.

"I'm sorry," Carina whispered against Maya's t-shirt, she could smell her sweat, and for some reason, it brought her a sense of comfort. She just wanted her closer.

"Sorry for what? It's not your fault!" Maya pulled back to look Carina in the eye.

"You left work," Carina said, eyes welling.

"Of course I left work," Maya's hands found Carina's face, turning her head so she could look into her eyes. "Your health is way more important than work."

The tears started to fall at that. "I promise I ate lunch," Carina said with a quivering lip.

"I know you did," she nodded, pulling her back into a hug. Maya clutched onto Carina, holding on for dear life. "You're okay, you're both okay," she assured, rubbing her hand across Carina's back. This wasn't the Carina she expected to find when she opened the hospital room door, but she was relieved that she was letting her in at least.

"If it had been me-"

"No," Maya said firmly, not even the tiniest bit sorry she interrupted Carina's thought. "It wasn't, you're right here and you're okay."

Maya didn't release her grip on Carina, she couldn't. What she wanted desperately was to rub her hand over the bump, she wanted to check in with her baby, but Carina hadn't given her permission for that yet.

"We saved the baby," Carina whispered, "He has a fight ahead of him but he should be okay, I don't know if Tia is going to make it. I haven't had an update – it wasn't good."

Maya held on tighter, trying to provide Carina with comfort. It wasn't just the horror of working on someone she knew, it was that Carina had been standing there as she was mowed down. The stress that the doctors working with the clinic had been under had been so great, and Maya had a feeling she didn't know the extent. But she knew Carina was shaken up, and she knew that thoughts of what if it had been me were difficult to shake after such close shaves.

"I'll try and get you an update," Maya promised, hoping it would give her some comfort.

"If something happened," Carina tried again, ignoring Maya's attempts to shush her. "If something happens, you have to make sure the baby is okay."

Maya pulled back, holding Carina's face in her hands. "You are my priority, Carina. I know things aren't... things are- whatever, but you're still my wife and you are my priority. I will always choose you. Do you understand? Your health comes first. I will make sure you are okay first."

Tears streaming down her face, Carina nodded trying desperately to stop the incessant quivering her lower lip was doing. The wobble of her chin was distracting, but calmed when Maya's thumb landed on it. "You're okay," she reminded. "You're both okay, Carina." Maya pulled her in tight, wrapping her arms around her shoulders to hold her as close as she possibly could. "I'm so glad you're okay."

Maya held Carina until she fell asleep, the exhaustion of the day finally setting in. She stepped out of the room and leaned back against the wall, eyes closed as she released a shuddering breath.

"Hey."

Her eyes popped open and she nodded at Amelia. "Hey, Dr. Shepherd."

Still with the Dr. Shepherd.

"You okay? Captain Bishop," she added with a small laugh.

Maya nodded, brushing tears from her cheeks. "Yeah, just- big day."

Amelia nodded, "I heard, I was just coming to visit."

"She's asleep," Maya informed her. "I just needed a minute to-"

"Fall apart?" Amelia asked, immediately pulling Maya into a hug. They were similar in height, so it was a pretty good fit for Maya to fall apart in her arms, not shy in shedding her tears once they started. She could probably thank Diane for that.

"She's okay," Amelia reminded her, steering her into the nearest supply closet for privacy. She held on for dear life, rubbing Maya's back as sobs shook her body.

When she finished crying it out, her head hung low, flustered by the outburst of her emotions. "To pull myself together," Maya said with an embarrassed laugh, finally finishing her sentence.

"Sometimes you have to fall apart to put yourself back together," Amelia shrugged.

"Don't I know it," she shook her head with a sigh. "Do you know when I can take her home?"

Amelia made a face, "I'll check her chart, but since she's one of ours, we might want to keep her overnight. Only out of an abundance of caution," she added as assurance.

Maya nodded, watching Amelia grab the doorknob, "Take all the time you need," she said, eyes soft.

Maya sighed heavily, already trying to wipe her face on her sleeves. "Amelia," she said, the doctor immediately pausing as her hand turned the knob. "Thank you." Amelia just nodded and left Maya to put herself back together privately.

She was as together as she was going to get, and right now, that's precisely what Carina needed from her.

Chapter Text

Carina hadn't even opened her eyes yet, but she could hear Maya moving around the room. She hadn't heard her come in, but she heard the shuffling of feet as she set water on the nightstand. She knew she'd open her eyes to a bowl of fruit, and an assortment of breakfast items to choose from. That there would be snacks and all sorts, anything to limit how many times Carina would need to get up and move around.

Previously, she would have kept her eyes closed tight, she would have pretended to be asleep still.

Not today.

"Thank you," she said with raspy voice as she stretched.

Maya smiled down at her, watching her take big stretches, like a satisfied house cat. "You think you'll need anything else?"

Carina shook her head, opening her eyes to find Maya watching her carefully. "No, I'm sure I have plenty."

Maya nodded. "Okay," she leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead. "Call me if you need anything. Anything at all."

Confined to bed rest for the foreseeable future, there wasn't much Carina could get into, she felt like she should be doing more to prepare for this baby. They needed to decorate the guest room, well, Maya's room. They still had so many different items to buy to prepare for the baby's arrival. She could feel the stress rising, and while that wasn't quite the reason for this bed rest, it certainly wouldn't help matters. She sighed, popping the lid of her laptop open, immediately returning to the dozen open tabs to order baby gear.

She shopped for hours, picking at the snacks that Maya had left between bedroom escapes for short walks and bathroom stops. She watched movies she used to love, but they really lacked something in this moment – perhaps because it felt like forced entertainment.

Carina wasn't sure what time she nodded off, but she could tell it was already morning when she opened her eyes. She stretched before making a visit to the bathroom, groaning at the fact she had to simply return to bed. She couldn't get up to much for now, but she could at least reach the drawers in either nightstand. She could rifle through them, see what Maya may have left behind when she moved into the guest room, maybe a good book; it was a welcomed break from daytime television and streaming the same old sitcoms.

What she didn't expect to find was a shoebox that took up the entirety of one drawer. It definitely belonged to Maya because she recognized the picture of the shoe on the side as her favorite pair of running shoes. Though, she hadn't seen her go for a run in a while.

She knew immediately upon picking it up that it wasn't empty, she carefully placed it in her lap, fingers flirting with the edges as she toyed with opening it.

It wasn't exactly hidden.

With the lid off, her fingers found a selection of impossibly small items of clothing.

Carina couldn't believe it.

An SFD probie onesie with baby socks covered in flames. A Seahawks beanie, an Italy football shirt, a US football shirt, a furry brown bear costume, and fire truck red overalls. She could feel tears falling even though she was smiling as she touched each item in the box. Counting, she realized there was the same number of outfits in the box as they had taken negative tests, even that last one… the one that hadn't been truly negative at all. Even when Maya was at her most broken, she had bought something for the little one they had hoped they would be expecting.

All this time, she thought she had been mourning their pregnancy failures alone, but Maya had been swallowing her pain.

Of course, that made perfect sense, Maya had been swallowing a lot over the last year, but how did they get this so wrong?

Maya was so afraid to be vulnerable and show her emotions with Carina she would rather let her believe she was fine? Or did she think she would be burdening Carina by adding her emotions? She thought back to that morning that she told Maya the test had been negative – Maya was so focused on the fact that she'd taken the test without her. It had enraged Carina at the time, to hear her reaction and realize she wasn't upset about the failed attempt.

She should have known that she was actually deeply upset and trying to cover those sad emotions with something to be angry about. It was so obvious in hindsight, Maya had been so unwell, obviously she was going to resist more sadness and embrace anger when everything had been so hard for so long.

This box of baby filled with clothes was proof of that.

There were times that Carina had convinced herself that Maya had only agreed to have a child to make her happy.

Then, she convinced herself that Maya was only still engaging with her because of the baby.

She realized that those two things weren't compatible, that if one was true the other couldn't be. Yet, she had convinced herself of both things at the same time. Now, it was clear that neither were true at all.

She wiped her face, replacing the lid before setting the box back in what had essentially been a hiding place, even if it was a terribly poor one.

Carina always got so defensive of Maya when people didn't give her the benefit of the doubt. It happened so often, it was so… she sighed. She hadn't given her the benefit of the doubt either.

She'd let her hurt speak louder than her love, and though she knew Maya would be understanding, she just wished she hadn't wasted so much time. They could have been healing much sooner, they could have been stronger than ever by the time the baby arrived, but instead, they were acting like friends. And the friends bit was new, they'd spent far longer being awkward roommates.

This, combined with her declaration about Carina's health mattering more… she hadn't given her wife enough credit for the healing she'd done. She could, of course, see it. She'd seen it at so many points since she'd moved back in, but she was still too scared to believe it would last.

She felt foolish now.

She'd held Maya at a distance and though she hadn't been rude or mean to her in any way… well, maybe there was a few moments... regardless, she was sure it must have been torture for Maya.

She didn't have Maya the way she wanted to, she had envisioned her pregnancy differently, but Maya had been there for every single thing that had come up. Carina wondered if Maya felt connected to the pregnancy, could she have given the situation between them? Could she truly feel connected to their child when she'd been so committed to respecting Carina's boundaries?

She hadn't touched her stomach because Carina hadn't invited her to.

Carina didn't invite her to because she didn't want to push her, but now she was seeing things more clearly. It wouldn't have been pushing, Maya was just… waiting for her to catch up to her feelings.

But Carina had asked for hugs and Maya had given them.

She'd asked for cuddles and Maya had held her through the heaviest of emotions.

There had been nights she'd climbed into bed with Maya and Maya had held her, and she'd been so careful to keep her hands appropriate.

She hadn't spoken to the baby because Carina hadn't invited her to.

Maya had joked about how she would read fire manuals to the baby when she was pregnant. Of course she would have wanted to at least speak to them, but she obviously didn't feel comfortable asking and it didn't even occur to Carina.

It was all starting to make sense.

She'd convinced herself that Maya was only here out of duty and by believing that so wholeheartedly, she had effectively been robbing her of all these joyful moments from the experience. She had been so sorry that Carina hadn't enjoyed pregnancy, that her mental health and the stress she had caused Carina had robbed her of some of that. So, she had gone out of her way to make things better. She had gone out of her way to give Carina the pregnancy experience of her dreams.

Penance.

Bedrest sounded much more attractive before she realized just how much thinking time it would give her. Her stream of intrusive thoughts was broken when Maya rushed into the bedroom, dumping her backpack in the chair in the corner as she always used to. She was pushing off her shoes and stripping off her jacket hurriedly, huffing and puffing as she did. It was only when she was successful and turned to the bed she realized Carina was awake.

"Oh," Maya paused. "I'm so sorry," she said, holding her hands up. "Our last call was a little crazy. What would you like for breakfast?"

Carina stared at Maya, she noticed now how flushed she looked. She'd obviously rushed all the way home, desperate to make it before Carina woke up and despite the fact that she was only slightly later than normal, there was a look on her face that pained Carina to see.

"Come lie down," Carina instructed, patting the bed next to her.

Maya's brows furrowed in confusion, looking at the bed and back to Carina's face in question.

"Come," she repeated, pleased to see Maya respond immediately.

She would have liked to have more time to get her thoughts together, but she hadn't realized what time it was – Maya was so harassed, convinced she was running late, and Carina was so caught up in her thoughts she hadn't even noticed the time. She felt sad now that Maya was next to her in bed, she could feel the tension radiating off of her. Even though there wasn't one, she very much felt like the bad guy here, like she had put a barrier between Maya and the pregnancy, whether she'd intended to do that or not.

There was still time to make up for it, though.

Carina reached out to take Maya's hand, wasting no time in placing it on her ever-growing bump. She tried to ignore the gasp of surprise Maya released, it would only make her guilt deepen if she focused on how shocked she was by the contact. She did risk a sidelong glance at her wife, but Maya's focus was completely on the bump. Though Carina felt like ugly crying at the wonder on her face and the tears that were falling freely, she resisted the urge. She'd been on an emotional rollercoaster throughout the entire pregnancy and as much as she was still very much led by her hormones, she wanted to let Maya feel her emotions.

"I'm sorry this is the first time you've gotten to do this," Carina said quietly. "I just-" she shook her head. There wasn't really an excuse, she just literally hadn't even thought to offer it. "You didn't ask and it didn't occur to me to offer."

Maya's eyes remained fixed on the bump, her hand hadn't moved since Carina placed it. The baby wasn't even kicking, obviously enjoying bedrest more than Carina was.

"You always said you would read fire protocols, but you-" she didn't want it to sound like an accusation, she just wanted Maya to know she was allowed to enjoy this pregnancy, too. She was furious with herself that she hadn't realized that she thought she needed permission to do that, and if she hadn't had the health scare, she probably wouldn't have realized at all. It made her desperately sad to know that Maya would never have voiced it for fear of breaching some unwritten rule. "You haven't spoken to the baby at all."

Like Maya, she'd kept her gaze focused on her bump, but she felt Maya's eyes shift their attention to her and when she turned to meet her stare, her heart leaped out of her chest.

"I didn't know I was allowed to," she said quietly.

Carina couldn't help herself, her hand found Maya's face, cupping her cheek. "I might be the one carrying the baby, but you are allowed to ask for what you need. I'm sorry that I didn't realize sooner," she shook her head. "You don't need my permission to participate. It should have occurred to me that there was a reason," she wasn't really sure what to say.

Maya gulped. Carina had managed to articulate precisely what she'd been struggling with, she had felt like that – that she needed permission to participate and she'd been too afraid to ask for fear of rejection. She just nodded, letting her eyes fall back onto her hand on Carina's bump.

"I've been unconsciously keeping you at a distance because I have been waiting for you to freak out," Carina admitted.

Maya sat up and turned her body to look at Carina, but her hand still found its way back to the bump. "What do you mean?"

"Negative test after negative test, and you were pulling away. I convinced myself that you were only doing it for me."

She ignored the quiver of Maya's bottom lip because if she paid it any attention, she would struggle to get it all off her chest. "And then when I came to tell you about the pregnancy-" she sighed. "I convinced myself you were only doing it for the baby."

Maya's brow furrowed in confusion.

"It's so ridiculous because those two things can't coexist and yet, I believed both and I don't want you to think it was because of something you did-"

"It was, though," Maya said quietly. "I was pulling away," she didn't need to deny it, they both knew it was true. "I couldn't handle the fact that everything was falling apart all at once. I should have leaned into you, but I convinced myself that pulling away would save you from the emotions I was drowning in. Carina, I want to be able to give you everything you want and I haven't been able to do that."

Carina's heart ached hearing her put herself down, especially when she'd been working so hard in therapy to understand the root of all these emotions. Living under the same roof was meant to be a positive solution, but it felt like Maya had just been shouldering the weight of suffering the entire time. That she had been punishing herself in part.

"No more of that, Bambina. We have both made mistakes, but I don't want you putting yourself down. You have been my rock this whole time. I would have had a miserable pregnancy if it hadn't been for you, and you've worked so hard to make me comfortable even though I'm on bedrest. I appreciate every bit of it."

Maya nodded.

"You can ask to feel the kicks, you can speak to the baby, we're in this together," she assured her. "I'm really sorry that you didn't feel like you could. I should have known you wanted to."

Maya sighed. "I thought you'd say yes if I asked, but I wasn't sure whether you would be saying yes because you were truly comfortable with it or just to keep me happy," she shrugged awkwardly.

Carina pursed her lips. "We are both very silly sometimes. Let's start opening our mouths more, yes?"

Maya laughed nervously at that, but she nodded. "So, breakfast?"

"I will eat whatever you make," she assured her.

"Any requests?" Maya asked, turning her attention to the bump and Carina melted a little when she placed both hands on her stomach before placing a kiss smack dab in the middle. "Sorry," she apologized immediately. "Sorry, I should have asked first," her hands immediately falling to her side.

Carina grabbed Maya's hand, "What did we just discuss?"

Maya offered a sheepish nod in apology.

She sighed heavily as she watched Maya leave the bedroom.

Maybe that would tear the last of the walls down.

~~~

Carina had been right to be hopeful – the change in Maya was immediate.

Giving her permission to engage with the baby was like unlocking the door to a vault of excitement that Maya had apparently been tempering.

She greeted both of them each morning, and she would always kiss Carina's bump before pressing a kiss to her forehead telling her to have a good day. Carina wasn't sure how she'd survived without this level of affection.

"Hey," Maya greeted, dropping her bag at the door and kicking her shoes off. She didn't want to take the extra steps to put her backpack in its correct place. All she wanted was to see Carina.

Carina smiled in response as Maya walked into the kitchen and nodded when Maya's eyes fell to the bump, her brows raised in question. Maya dropped to her knees with a smile and leaned in with a kiss. "How was your day, baby? Mine was boring, we didn't get one good call. But, that's good too because we all stayed safe, just like you are all nice and safe inside Mama."

Carina's eyes fluttered shut as she watched Maya. This was a lot closer to the pregnancy expectations she had when they spoke about their journey to motherhood. She couldn't help herself, her fingers made their way to Maya's head, playing with the loose hairs around her temple.

"Now, why are you both out of bed?"

Carina sighed. "I needed water."

Maya just nodded, pushing herself back to her feet, her hands still on the bump. "Do I need to increase your daily water supply or were you just desperate for a change of scenery?"

Carina offered her a lopsided grin. She suspected that Maya may have seen through her excuse. It wasn't that she didn't appreciate how thoughtful Maya was in providing her every need before she left for the day, but god, was it boring to spend every day in bed. "I am allowed to be on my feet a little, you know?"

Maya nodded. "I do know," she confirmed, turning Carina around and walking her to the couch. "Why don't you relax here for a bit," she suggested. "I'll take care of dinner and then after we eat, you can get back in bed. Maybe I can give you a rub?"

Carina groaned at the suggestion, "Yes, please!"

"Do I need to come and turn you in the night? In case you get bed sores?" Maya joked, ducking away before Carina could swing for her. She winked and she disappeared into the kitchen, laughing at the sarcastic ha-has Carina forced out as she walked away.

Carina hadn't made any special requests so Maya was operating under the belief that she didn't currently have a specific craving. She hadn't yet had a persistent craving, everything she wanted was a one-off, maybe a couple days at most. It made it difficult to stock up because as soon as she had it, she was over it. Beef was the only constant and it didn't matter how it came, she'd eat it.

Still, she felt confident that Carina would be more than happy with the pasta dish she'd planned. She stopped by a nearby deli for fresh pasta and a homemade sauce because well, she wasn't completely stupid. Finished with fresh parmesan, she plated dinner and delivered it to Carina on a tray with some garlic breadsticks on the side.

Carina smiled as she looked at the offering and nodded with delight. She knew the tomato and the garlic would likely lead to terrible indigestion, but she was more than prepared to deal with the consequences of eating this meal.

Maya settled on the opposite end of the couch, completely unbothered by her proximity to Carina's feet while she ate. "So, um, I've been thinking," Maya's focus remained on the plate of food in her hand – she twirled her tagliatelle onto her fork, biding her time as she tried to think how best to broach the subject. "I'd like to tell my Mom about the baby."

Carina nodded, waiting for Maya to continue. She was almost certain she had more to say on the matter before expecting a response.

"I know my Dad will find out, but I can live with that," she shrugged. "I mean, in a perfect world, he wouldn't be a consideration, but," she trailed off before looking up at Carina.

"You should tell your Mama," she agreed. "She is really the only chance our baby has of a grandparent, an involved one anyway, so you should tell her."

"You're okay with her seeing the baby?"

"Of course, as long as she doesn't bring your father with her, why wouldn't I be? She was at our wedding. I know she has made mistakes, but who hasn't? Everyone deserves a second chance," she shrugged, hoping Maya would understand she wasn't just talking about Katherine Bishop. "Sometimes even a third chance," she added casually, lest there be any confusion. "If she wants to be part of this, I want her to be part of this."

Maya smiled. "She's probably going to lose her mind – I doubt she'll see it coming."

Carina laughed, "I think that makes three of us," she said with raised eyebrows.

"You're right about that," Maya laughed, shaking her head. "Kinda cool, though," she said hopefully. "I mean, everything had to be so planned… so, a surprise pregnancy wasn't something I ever expected for us. I really got an insight into what life with a penis would have been like."

Carina laughed loudly at that. "That's some interesting silver lining thinking," she smiled across the couch at her wife.

"I mean it. Obviously it would have been great for that first test to have been accurate, but I wouldn't have hit rock bottom and if I hadn't hit rock bottom," she shook her head. "I would still be circling the drain. So, that delay in news and getting hit with that surprise?" She nodded. "I'll cherish that."

She'd cherish that.

Chapter Text

She sighed loudly. As comfortable as her spot on the couch was, Carina was exhausted by the amount of rest she'd been forced to have. Though Jo had impressed upon her the importance of this bedrest, her inability to define the length of time it would be necessary was slowly driving her insane. Perhaps the strict tone she'd taken hadn't helped, given that Carina was fully aware how important bedrest was.

Of course, she would do it for the good of the baby – she would swallow her annoyance, tamp down her frustration, and she would simply get on with it… while wearing a scowl. The only upside was when Maya was home and she had a full view of her activities from that comfortable spot on the couch.

Initially, Maya had disappeared for hours at a time on her days off – Carina suspected that it was less about avoiding her, given the way things had evolved, and more about trying to give her a bit of space. She'd made one frustrated comment about feeling smothered and Maya had immediately separated herself from the situation, and since then, she had been more careful in their interactions.

The apology seemed to help, and two weeks later, she started disappearing less. Carina constantly reminded herself that she wasn't here to make Maya feel uncomfortable in her own space. Even if she was feeling extra ornery.

Since sharing the news of her blood tests with Maya, surprised to learn she already knew and hadn't mentioned it, Maya had made sure Carina was taking her daily vitamins and she'd tweaked her diet too. So, instead of disappearing out of the house on her days off, Maya spent them in the kitchen – preparing iron-rich, B-Vitamin heavy snacks and meals. And Carina watched, wondering when it would be appropriate to open a conversation about their relationship.

If she could rewind time, she would go back and stop herself from saying co-parent.

Or, maybe she would rewind time even further and hear Maya out before she found out she was pregnant.

Unfortunately, she wasn't that lucky. She'd have no other choice, but to simply open her mouth and communicate like the big girl she was.

Maya appeared in front of her, a glass of water in one hand and vitamins in the palm of her other hand. Carina stared at her hands for a moment and then shifted her gaze up to Maya's face – those clear blue eyes perfectly framed by eyebrows arched in expectation. Her hair, tied back in a high ponytail, was tousled, fluffy after spending half the day hovering over a hot stove and the other half cleaning as she went. Silently, Carina took the tablets and accepted the glass of water, tossing them in her mouth, swallowing half the glass and sticking her tongue out to prove she'd actually taken them.

Maya grinned. She wasn't phased in the slightest by the attitude Carina had been sporting since being put on bedrest. If anything, she found it adorable. She knew it wasn't aimed at her and if she put herself in Carina's shoes, she knew she would be going just as crazy. It hadn't been all that long since her own sidelining from work and, well, she understood the frustration. "Awfully sassy for a woman being waited on hand and foot, especially given how attractive your home help is."

Carina groaned loudly to cover her laugh, her annoyance speaking just as loudly as her amusement.

"Goulash for dinner?" Maya asked. Maya knew her weaknesses just as well as she did her strengths, and she wasn't willing to feed an Italian Italian food unless it came from an Italian source. So, she'd been cycling through various recipes she found online, hoping that some basic dishes would suffice. She wasn't the greatest cook in the world, but Carina hadn't complained yet.

Carina nodded, "That sounds good."

She watched as Maya turned to return to the kitchen, grabbing hold of her hand before she could. "Can we talk? After dinner?"

Maya turned slowly, nodding when she caught Carina's eye. As she watched her head back into the kitchen, she suspected she should have been clearer… as hard as Maya worked to school her reactions, Carina saw the brief look of terror cross her face. Maybe it was just in her nature to immediately jump to the worst case scenario, but did she really think Carina would be planning to leave when she was on strict bed rest and completely reliant on Maya?

"I don't want to co-parent with you," she blurted out, unsure how else to start the conversation. They had hurt each other enough, no matter how unintentionally most of it was – their communication had been all over the place, especially recently. She didn't want there to be any confusion about what this conversation was. Yet, she couldn't miss the look of hurt on Maya's face as she realized, once again, how scary that sentence could sound to someone who was still feeling their way through an unfamiliar, scary situation. "When I said that– I… panicked."

"What do you want?" Maya asked gently because she knew what it sounded like Carina was saying, but she didn't believe for one second Carina was about to cut her out of this process given their conversations of late. Carina wouldn't suddenly sever their ties and take their child away from her. Even if she couldn't stand the sight of her, she knew she wouldn't do that to her.

"I want to parent with you, Maya," she grabbed her hand. "I wouldn't have moved back in if I didn't want to make things work between us," she sighed. "That would have been ridiculous."

Maya's brows furrowed. "Why didn't you just say that?"

"I was still so mad," she shook her head. "I've been angry – angry at you for not listening to me sooner, angry at myself for not giving you a chance to show me how hard you've been working to get better, angry at Jack for not sending you away that day. Just angry. I didn't know how much anger I was holding onto. I already told you I realized I was keeping you at a distance, but I've been working hard not to do that anymore."

Maya made a face at Carina's mention of Jack, but she was nodding – clearly in agreement that Carina had been trying hard.

"I think I was scared to tell you I wanted to try in case being here with you again was too much."

"Is it?"

"You're so annoying," Carina groaned loudly. "I feel like I'm being smothered at times, I want to scream – but that's not your fault. It's the situation. You have been taking such good care of me, I'm just frustrated at being stuck indoors and I'm frustrated about being off work and I'm-"

"Hormonal," Maya finished, when Carina threw her hands in the air. She nodded to confirm that yes, she was also very hormonal.

Maya shifted next to her on the couch, offering her hand. "We can move as slowly as you need."

"I want to tell you to win me back," Carina whispered. "But I feel like I should have to work to win you back too."

Maya shook her head. "I'm not going to say you haven't hurt me recently, but I have mostly recovered from your biting comments by constantly reminding myself that you're hormonal, frustrated, and also, I made your life hellish for a while. I'm not going to hold your hurt against you," she promised. "Not when I inflicted the pain that triggered it. We've both made mistakes, but we're here now."

Maya leaned forward to press a kiss to Carina's forehead, her hands firm around Carina's head, fingers tangled in her hair. "If you want me to win you back," Maya shrugged. "Then that's exactly what I'll do."

Carina groaned again. "You've been winning me back this entire time," she confessed. "Even more so since you started talking to the baby and kissing her."

"Her?" Maya sat up quickly, searching Carina's face.

"I don't know for sure, but I have a strong feeling."

Maya smiled, one hand slipping from Carina's head to land on the bump. "I would love that," she admitted, her mouth against Carina's forehead. "My girls," she whispered.

With that, Carina melted into her touch.

~~~

Maya whistled as she walked through the barn, another successful call and a checklist complete. The team had retired to the beanery to prepare dinner, later than normal after that last fire they'd attended. Still, she felt good – the team was ticking over nicely again, firing on all cylinders, and she felt like she was well and truly back in the swing of things.

"Cap," Vic smiled at her from the desk.

Maya looked up and caught Vic's eyes, "You coming up for dinner, Hughes?"

Vic raised an eyebrow. Maya normally expected them to wait to be relieved before having dinner. "Yeah? Wow, things must be going really well at home now, huh?"

Maya hummed, shrugging. She didn't even try to hide the little smile tugging at the corner of her lips. "I think so."

"Tell me more."

"She wants me to win her back."

Vic made a face.

"It's a good thing," Maya assured her. "She didn't come right out and say I should, she said she wanted to ask me to… but that she felt like she should have to do the same," she shrugged. "But she said I've been winning her back this whole time so, I guess I don't need to do anything crazy. She just wants to know I'm better for real."

Vic nodded. "If you ever want to talk about what happened," she offered. "I'm happy to listen." Vic abandoned her seat at the desk, and wrapped her arm around Maya's waist, guiding her to the stairs. "I give really great advice," she said with a waggle of her brows.

Maya just laughed, shaking her head. "I might just take you up on that."

If anyone was safe to talk to, it would be Vic. She had a much deeper understanding of mental health than anyone else on the team, or anyone else in Maya's life other than Diane. But, she didn't want to trauma dump either.

"Is she tired of your cooking yet?"

Maya laughed. "I'm running out of exciting ways to make beef. I can cook just fine, but I'm running out of ideas. I've made brisket, goulash, stew, I even found a hand-raised pie recipe, which went terribly. Um, I've made every iteration of pot roast, I unsuccessfully made a bolognese sauce, I even tried beef and broccoli."

"And?"

"If I ran a restaurant, it would be the kind of spot that has 2 stars out of 372 reviews."

Vic grimaced.

"People keep turning up because the place it spotless, but the food is…" Maya shrugged. "But. It's edible. It's safe," she added. "Just, there are some things that are obviously easier than others. Chili? Easy. Steak and baked potato? Simple and she loves that. Pot roast? Fine. Goulash and stew are even okay because the slow cooker does the work for me. Literally anything else is overwhelming me and underwhelming her."

"I'm sure she appreciates the effort, plus with all that practice, you'll probably both reach a state of whelm eventually."

"Ah, yes, whelm. What every human strives for."

Though they'd reached the top of the stairs, Vic didn't move her arm from Maya's waist. As much as her nerves had settled regarding her team's view of her, she appreciated that Vic was willing to show her support so visibly.

Just in case.

"What's on the menu tonight?" Vic asked loudly announcing their presence, knowing it would likely be decent with Andy in the kitchen.

"Mac and cheese," Andy replied, head down as she grated cheese to finish the dish.

Maya hummed, relieved that it didn't involve beef.

Carina would eat mac and cheese, but not without turning her nose up at it first. It was one of those things she pretended was offensive to her as she'd remind the team cacio e pepe existed and was absolutely delicious. Needless to say, mac and cheese wasn't something they had at home. Maya could admit that she didn't miss it all that much, not when cacio e pepe was so delicious – but it was a nice treat when it appeared on the station menu.

Maya wasn't shy when it came to taking a second helping, happy for something so radically different from what she'd been making at home. Andy raised an eyebrow as she watched. "It looks like you're not getting fed at home, Captain," she teased.

"She's feeding herself, that's the problem," Vic laughed.

Maya scooped a large bite in her mouth and stuck her tongue out, eliciting the disgusted reaction she was looking for from the rest of the table. Swallowing, she shrugged. "Carina's anemic so we're eating a lot of meat, mostly beef."

"How are things?" Andy asked, knowing Maya wouldn't reveal much in front of the whole team.

Maya nodded. "Good, still no end date on her bed rest. I think she's going stir crazy to be honest, not that I blame her."

"Uh," Gibson's gaze shifted from Maya's face over her shoulder, nodding his head. "I think you're right."

Maya turned, jaw dropping when she saw Carina walking into the beanery. "Uh," she stood immediately, "What are you doing here?" she tried to keep the fear out of her tone, but given that she was supposed to be on bedrest…

Carina held a hand up, "I'm okay," she said quietly, sighing when Maya's hands immediately landed on her bump.

"Don't be mad, please."

Maya couldn't be, she sounded so vulnerable. Instead, she raised her eyebrows in question and Carina sighed again. "I hate being at home alone, it reminds me of…"

Maya nodded as Carina trailed off. She understood. "You want to sleep in my bunk?"

Carina just nodded.

"Did you have dinner? There's mac and cheese left."

She smiled when Carina's nose wrinkled.

"I did have dinner. Your meatballs were molto bene."

"Do you want to say hello to the team or would you like me to take you downstairs?"

Carina peeked over Maya's shoulder and waved when she realized the entire team was looking their way. "Ciao," she called. "Arrivederci," she added, delighted by Maya's hand finding her lower back.

Maya's arm extended around her waist as she walked her downstairs and into her bunk. "Did you bring a change of clothes?"

Carina shook her head, taking her coat off to reveal her pajamas.

"Okay," Maya smiled, pulling the covers back and patting the mattress. "Make yourself at home. Do you need anything?" she found herself sitting on the edge of the bed once Carina had slid under the covers and rolled onto her side.

"Do you think I could have a bowl of mac and cheese?"

Maya laughed at that, leaning down to press a kiss to the bump and another to Carina's forehead. "You got it, babe," she said, immediately heading through the door and up to the beanery. She was halfway upstairs when she realized she'd called Carina babe.

Oh well, it was too late to take it back now.

Carina was still awake when she returned with her bedtime snack and an iPad in her hand. Handing her the bowl, Maya set up the iPad and opened a streaming app to the television show she knew Carina had been watching. She held it out so Carina could pick the right episode and grabbed a stool from just outside the door, setting the iPad on it. She slipped a bottle of water out of her pants pocket and sat it next to the bed. "You good?"

Carina nodded, her attention trained on the bowl of cheesy pasta.

"Let me know if you need anything else, I'll be at my desk," she shot her a wink and closed the door quietly behind her. Her appearance was unexpected, and while Maya did feel annoyed that she had taken the risk of leaving the apartment when she was on bedrest... she understood. And aggravation wouldn't help matters. She knew the importance of picking her battles and in this case, Carina ran to her so, how could she possibly complain? She settled behind her desk with a sigh, focused on completing the report for their last call.

It had been so long since Carina had been in her bunk – even longer since she'd slept in her Captain's bunk. She felt warm and fuzzy knowing her wife was just a closed door away. Though, she would need to sleep soon and she wasn't sure what to do about that.

There were nights Carina would appear in her bed, sure, but she wasn't brave enough to return that favor without permission.

Even if it was her bed.

Maya yawned as she hit the submit button, realizing that she'd missed several texts from Carina. She smiled as she opened their chat, relieved to see that Carina expected her to join her in bed. Glancing at the clock, she decided it was bedtime.

Her heart rate picked up as she quietly opened the bunk door, moving around the room as quietly as possible as she stripped down to her underwear and sports bra. Carine was sound asleep in the exact same position she'd left her in. After brushing her teeth, she closed the streaming app and climbed into bed next to her wife.

Carina hummed as she felt Maya settle in bed next to her. She couldn't help the sigh that passed her lips when Carina shifted to move closer. Maya smiled as she slipped her arm around Carina, resting her hand on the growing bump. "I didn't mean to wake you," she said quietly.

Carina took a deep, shuddering breath in through her nose as she leaned back against Maya. "I was worried you wouldn't come."

Maya smiled, her hand rubbing the bump steadily, "And miss out on sharing my bunk with the most beautiful woman on the planet? I don't think so," she whispered, pressing a kiss below Carina's ear. "I'd never miss that opportunity again."

Carina covered Maya's hands with her own, realizing in that moment they were essentially holding their entire world in their hands.

"Let's get some sleep," Maya encouraged.

Carina nodded wordlessly, snuggling under the covers, trying to get as close as possible to Maya as she could. Maya was more than happy to have her this close. It's all she had wanted for months, but this… this was the first time it had been an intentional decision.

Maya couldn't help but fight sleep, she wanted to soak everything up about this moment. The longer she was awake, the more she could revel in this incredible feeling.

"I love you," Maya said quietly.

Chapter Text

Maya had been clear, with Carina and in her own mind– she wanted her mother to know their children. What she didn't feel so clear about was opening her mouth to actually tell her mother that, or dealing with the potential fallout that may come from her father finding out.

It shouldn't bother him all that much given that he had two children of his own – they weren't to blame for his lack of achievement in life. In fact, Maya had ultimately been his greatest achievement. Still, she didn't want him anywhere near their children because he didn't deserve the honor. He didn't deserve the honor of knowing Carina or meeting his grandchildren, or well, drawing breath, but that was a thought for another day.

Perhaps, a therapy session.

She found herself nervously twisting the gold band on her finger, a habit she simply couldn't shake. Carina had suggested a fidget ring numerous times, but it was less about fidgeting and more about clutching on to a tangible representation of her love for her wife and the desperate need to feel close to her. Carina had offered to come with her, but it felt like something she should do on her own.

She held her breath when her mom appeared in the doorway of the coffee shop, almost bracing to see her father's face follow her in. She sighed in relief when the door closed behind her and she stood alone. Maya stood, offering her mother a small wave. She watched as her face transformed from concern to delight at the sight of her oldest child. Maya wasn't quite prepared for the embrace she offered, but she accepted it regardless. Her mom probably needed it more than she could possibly know.

"Maya," she smiled, touching her cheek as they separated. "You look well."

Maya nodded, "You too, Mom. Thanks for coming."

She gestured for her to take a seat and nodded to the barista who had agreed to hold the drinks she'd ordered until her guest arrived.

"I ordered you a blueberry tisane, I hope that's okay. It was always your favorite."

Katherine smiled. "It still is."

Maya rubbed her hands on her thighs, hoping to beat the clammy feeling clinging to her. "I have some news to share, but I don't want Dad involved."

Katherine nodded. She could understand that. "I left your father."

Maya's head snapped up in surprise, head tilting in confusion. If she'd left him, why hadn't she been in touch or tried to see her?

"A couple months ago, actually. I wanted to get my life together before I reached out – I needed a job and an apartment, my own car. I wanted to show you I was serious this time."

Maya's eyes closed as tears fell freely down her cheeks. She squeezed back when her mother's hand landed in hers.

"I have the job and the car, but I'm still working on the apartment. I've been staying with a friend but I'm close to having the deposit for a place I found. I should be moving next month."

"I'm really proud of you," Maya smiled, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand. "I wish you'd reached out sooner, but I understand."

"What's been happening with you?" Katherine asked, certain it had to be big for her to reach out and want to keep Lane out of the news.

"Oh gosh," Maya shook her head. "A lot has been happening, but the biggest news is that Carina is pregnant."

Katherine gasped in surprise, "Really?"

Maya nodded.

"Oh, wow," Katherine laughed a little, wiping her own tears away. "I can't believe I'm going to be a grandma." The surprise and delight on her face was clear, but she was obviously trying to downplay it because she wasn't quite sure whether Maya was inviting her in in or not.

Maya smiled. "It kind of took me by surprise too."

Katherine made a face, unsure how that could be true.

"Things haven't been so great between us, but we're working on it and I want to fix it before the baby arrives."

Katherine furrowed her brow, "What hasn't been great?"

Maya sighed, explaining the full trajectory of her mental health spiral and what that had looked like at work and at home. The happy ending at work came out of nowhere, but it was a bit more difficult in coming at home. She sighed as she explained how they'd struggled with the pregnancy process and how the last test had been a false negative.

"I'm sorry, sweetie," she offered. "I know how much you love her. I know how much she loves you. Sometimes, you have to be willing to put yourself out there and take risks, even if you run the risk of rejection."

Maya's eyes widened.

"I just mean, you can dilly dally around all you like, but you two have a baby on the way. You might not be able to fix it all before the baby arrives, but you should at least be on the same page about what you're doing."

Maya nodded. That was true. "We want the same thing. We want to parent together. She said so."

Katherine nodded, "I'm sure you'll get there. Hopefully much quicker than I came to my own realizations-"

"Hey," Maya chided. "You made it."

"We made it," she squeezed Maya's hands, offering her daughter a shy smile. "But you have to fight for the things that matter to you."

Maya smiled at that. If there was one thing Maya Bishop knew how to do, it was fight.

~~~

After grabbing coffee with her mom, she was on a high. Hearing the encouragement her mom had to offer about fighting for the things that matter, she made a few stops on her way home. She was committed to winning Carina back, and actions could speak much louder than words. Maya believed she'd done an excellent job of showing Carina she was serious about healing, but she wanted Carina to see that their spark hadn't gone anywhere.

Things had been rough, yes, but they were still made for each other. And maybe she could remind her of that with a night of romance.

Romance?

That might have been pushing it, but it was definitely tender, loving, care.

She picked up flowers, Carina's favorite snacks, and some art supplies before swinging by the station to put her plan in action. She placed a takeaway order from Carina's favorite dinner spot and arranged to pick it up on the way home, opting for two pasta dishes and a steak as the side dish it deserved to be.

Apparently.

Maya wasn't going to swear off meat altogether, but she did look forward to taking a beef break once the baby was born. She had tried desperately to introduce other iron-rich meats, but nothing hit Carina's spot like beef did.

A blow.

Maya smiled when she opened the door and found Carina dramatically draped across the couch just as she anticipated. "Hey," she greeted.

"Oh, thank God, entertain me, please!" Carina whined, sitting up to watch Maya haul her bags into the kitchen. "What's all that?"

"I picked up dinner," Maya informed her, already starting the plating process. "Thought we deserved tagliatelle, rigatoni, and well, steak," she laughed, shaking her head as she split the food across two plates.

"Do you know what I always think about when I'm eating steak?"

"What?" Maya asked absentmindedly.

"That part in Law Abiding Citizen when Gerard Butler is eating steak with his hands and shares some with his cellmate before he stabs him to death with a spork."

Maya paused, the foil container hovering over Carina's plate, her eyes shifting from the dish to Carina's face.

"I watch that movie, I want steak. I eat steak, I want to watch that movie."

"O...kay, you should be studied."

Carina shrugged. "It also makes me want asparagus."

"Well, I"m afraid that's not on tonight's menu."

"How did it go with your Mama?"

Maya nodded, a satisfied smile on her face. "Really well, she left my dad a couple months ago."

"Really?!" Carina sat up in surprise, watching the grin spread across Maya's face.

She nodded, "Yeah, she wanted to get her life in order before she reached out, but obviously I beat her to the punch." She shrugged, "She's really excited about Baby Bishop."

"DeLuca-Bishop."

Maya stuck her tongue out and placed Carina's plate on a tray before walking it across the room to her.

Carina moaned, "This smells incredible."

She quickly put the flowers in a vase and set them on the coffee table while Carina ate, amused at the fact that she didn't even notice what was going on around her. When she finally sat down to eat her own meal, she'd spread an array of snacks across the coffee table, ready for a movie night.

Carina looked up when Maya sat at the opposite end of the couch, smiling at her when she saw a plate full of food. It didn't matter how often she saw Maya eat, it brought her relief. She was fairly certain that she'd subsisted solely on coffee, smoothies, and protein bars during her spiral.

"This steak is delicious," Maya commented as she ate another bite before twirling tagliatelle onto her fork.

"It is, but it's not as good as yours."

Maya smiled, "Does my steak inspire you to stab someone with a spork more or less than this one? Like, how does the scale work?"

Carina tipped her head back and laughed. "For this, it's good, but yours, I want to eat it with my bare hands."

Maya wasn't sure what that meant, but given that Carina preferred her steak, it must have been good.

"I picked up some things so we can have a movie night. I know you're bored as hell, but I thought we could try to make it a little entertaining at least."

"That sounds wonderful, would you mind if I have a shower first?"

Maya shook her head, already springing into action to help Carina up. In fact, it would make her next steps much easier. Once she was sure Carina was in the shower, she raced back into the living room and unrolled the Movie Theater sign she'd made with a list of movie titles and showings she'd selected for the evening. She tucked the paper money she'd made in Carina's purse and slapped a price list on the coffee table to reflect the snacks on display.

Inflation was a killer, she thought as she laughed at some of the prices she'd made up.

She scooped one popcorn tub into the large bag of buttered popcorn she bought and another into cheesy popcorn, looking around the room to check whether she'd set everything up.

Movie listing? Check.

Snack price list? Check.

Snacks? Check.

Fort? Fort.

Maya raced around the apartment grabbing blankets and pillows; she ran into the guest room, pulled the mattress off the bed, dragging it through to the living room and placed it in front of the couch, throwing together the best makeshift fort she could with the time she had left. She knew Carina wouldn't take a long shower given her current health concerns, she wouldn't take the risk, but there was no point building a fort if you weren't committed to making it as comfortable as possible.

She finished the look with battery powered candles carefully dotted around the apartment and hit the lights, delighted with how quickly she'd pulled it all together.

"Maya!"

She smiled when she heard Carina calling, knowing that she needed a hand getting out of the shower. Even when she kept the water lukewarm, she'd experience a touch of dizziness while showering.

Maya was standing by with a warm, fluffy towel ready to wrap Carina up and help her to take a seat on the bed while she powered up to get changed. She gave into temptation, pressing a kiss to her forehead as she opened the drawer to pick fresh jammies.

"No underwear," Carina sighed. "Just soft warmth, please."

Maya nodded, dropping her choices back into the drawer, reaching for Carina's favorite soft sweats and the oldest SFD t-shirt in her drawer. It was only soft because it was so worn from use, but Carina loved it. "Call me if you need help," Maya offered, leaving Carina to get herself ready in private.

She smiled as she walked back into the living room. Obviously she felt good about it, it was her handiwork, but she felt confident Carina would be equally impressed. Even if her arts and crafts skills were… less than 5 on a scale of 1-10.

"Bambina, could you help me with my lotion?" she appeared behind Maya, gasping slightly as she saw the "decorated" space. "What's all this?"

"To answer your question, yes. To answer your other question, it's movie night!"

Carina smiled at Maya, eyes drifting back to the sight in front of her. "What?"

"I know how frustrated you've been, I thought we could take an ordinary movie night and make it a little special," she said, taking Carina by the hand, leading her to the mattress fort. She helped her settle and handed her a blanket before gesturing to the snacks on the table. "You can peruse the snack options, take a look at the price list and decide what you'd like to enjoy." She pointed to the wall next to the television, "There are several showings this evening and your tickets are valid for all of them," she nodded, to the two tickets setting on top of Carina's bag.

Carina laughed, realizing that Maya had hand-crafted these, just like she had the rest of the signs. "This is adorable, but I am not paying $50 for snack size Pringles or $150 for a root beer. Bambina, be serious. A bottle of water is $300?"

Maya lifted her brows in question, "Maybe you should check your purse before you go talking such a big game."

Carina unzipped her bag and laughed when she spotted a roll of clearly homemade money. "Oh, I didn't realize I was such a wealthy woman."

"What do you think attracted me to you in the first place?" Maya teased. "Did you really think it was the incredible head of hair? Your sultry eyes? Pouty lips?" Maya scoffed.

Carina rolled her eyes, "You didn't know I was a wealthy woman then."

"I heard you say doctor and I could see the dollar signs," Maya said sticking her tongue out. "You're buying my snacks too, by the way," she winked. "FYI, I didn't put Law Abiding Citizen on the features list, I'm sorry that I didn't know how passionate you are about that movie."

Carina shrugged. "I watched it this morning."

Maya laughed, shaking her head in disbelief.

How had she kept this hidden?

Carina patted the mattress. "And will you be joining me or?"

Maya nodded, "Oh, of course, I just need to change into something more comfortable."

"Remember when that was code for something filthy?"

Maya laughed. She had to, or she'd cry because she did remember those days and boy howdy, did she miss them.

Carina sighed contentedly once Maya was next to her, the makeshift fort suddenly feeling exponentially more cozy. She waited for Maya to situate herself before rolling onto her side and throwing an arm and leg over her. Maya just laughed, though inwardly she was celebrating because this was everything she'd hoped for.

She found it difficult to resist the urge to kiss her wife, so she didn't. She took the risk and kissed the corner of Maya's mouth. The blush that appeared on Maya's face gave her a thrill and she couldn't help but preen at the response she had on Maya.

"What time does your shift start tomorrow?" she asked, watching as the opening credits of the movie rolled. She appreciated the effort that movies went to in the 1980s and 90s, giving everything to their opening and closing credits to make it feel like a real production. They really didn't make them like they used to.

"I'm not working tomorrow," Maya informed her, her arm slipping around Carina's shoulder to hold her closer.

"But the schedule on the fridge-"

"I took a couple days off," she shrugged.

That surprised Carina.

Maya was still on probation.

"You did?"

Maya nodded, "You said you have an appointment tomorrow, I thought I might as well take a couple days off. I have so many days and they're just sitting there, might as well use them for good things."

Carina smiled, unable to resist the urge to press a kiss to the underside of Maya's jaw. "Thank you."

Maya just smiled in response.

"But, won't you want to keep days for when the baby comes?" Carina was grateful that Maya was more willing to use her paid time off, but she didn't want her to miss out on quality time with their baby.

"I get twelve weeks of parental leave," Maya smiled. "Plus, I have plenty of days saved to extend it," she shrugged. "This baby," she said, rubbing Carina's bump, "will be sick of the sight of me," she smirked before lifting Carina's shirt to kiss the bump, before blowing a raspberry.

Carina laughed, "No," she shook her head, her fingers twirling Maya's ponytail. "Like me, our baby will never be sick of the sight of you. We always want you here with us," she paused for a moment, watching Maya's face. "Is this a date?"

Maya laughed, turning her head to look into Carina's eyes. "Isn't a trip to the movies always a date?"

Carina smirked.

"Especially when it's a triple showing. Nobody is taking a friend to a triple showing."

"Good to know."

When the credits finally rolled into the movie, Carina settled into Maya's arms and gave it her full attention. It had been a long time since she'd felt this at peace and it felt incredible that it was with Maya. She'd told her she'd been winning her back the whole time, she didn't realize just how true that way until this very moment. Little by little, day by day, Maya had been showing Carina she wasn't just back to her old self, she was better – better than she'd ever been.

The light in her eyes was there, the dimples in her cheeks were back, and she looked at Carina instead of through her. She was the Maya DeLuca-Bishop she'd married, maybe the last time she was this version of herself. On a high that didn't seem to dim.

As Maya's hand rubbed up and down her arm, Carina wondered which portion of the evening was reserved for making out… but first, snacks.

Chapter Text

Carina woke feeling well-rested, she was warm and cozy in bed with Maya's arms wrapped around her and they were in their bed.

They'd woken up together many times since she moved back into the apartment, but this was different.

It felt different.

Perfect.

Her hands rested over Maya's, her fingers rubbing against the gold wedding band on her hand. Maya had always taken her ring off at bedtime, so the fact that she was still wearing it… it made Carina feel something she wasn't sure she could identify. Happiness in part, but there was concern, too. Maybe Maya felt she had to keep it on to stay close? Show her devotion? Carina wasn't sure, but she felt like it was time for her to put her ring back on.

Carina shifted out of Maya's arms, making a trip to the bathroom first before returning to bed to open the top drawer of the nightstand. She smiled at the sight of the box that contained her ring, but her joy quickly turned to tears when she tried to slip it back on only to realize her fingers were too swollen for it to fit.

Her upset started as quiet weeping, but it quickly descended into raindrop sized tears rolling down her cheeks as she tried to keep her hiccups quiet. She couldn't keep a lid on her emotions, though, and Maya woke up to her sobbing.

"Hey," she crawled across the bed quickly, wrapping her arms around Carina from behind. "What's wrong?"

Carina could hear the panic in Maya's voice, so she just held her left hand in the air, her wedding band stuck above her knuckle. "My ring doesn't fit," she cried, her head falling back onto Maya's shoulder.

Maya rubbed her hands up and down Carina's arms. "It's okay, babe, it's okay."

Carina shook her head. "It's not okay, I just wanted to put my ring back on and it doesn't fit," she said as she continued to cry.

Maya climbed off the bed and settled on her haunches in front of Carina, "Hey, baby, can you look at me?"

Carina pouted, but looked at Maya, maintaining eye contact despite the constant stream of tears down her face.

"Carina," Maya sighed, "You can put your ring back on after the baby arrives," she squeezed her hands. "In the meantime, I have a solution," she assured her, standing to launch herself across the bed to open the drawer of her own nightstand. She returned quickly, a small box in hand. "Open your hand," she encouraged, placing the box in Carina's palm when she did. "You can open it," she gestured.

Carina sighed, opening the box in confusion.

"It's a silicone band like the one I wear at work, but it's pink. Since you miss your pink scrubs so much."

Fresh tears fell down Carina's face, as she stared down at the pink silicone ring in the box.

"Just until the baby comes! You can wear your real ring when your fingers are back to normal," Maya assured, standing between her legs to wrap her arms around Carina's shoulders.

"I love it," Carina hiccuped.

"You do?"

Carina nodded, holding the box out to Maya. Maya smiled and accepted it, slipping the ring free from the holder and stepping away so she could slip it on Carina's finger. "What do you think?"

"It's perfect," she said, offering Maya a watery smile. Maya's thumbs brushed her tears away as she cupped her face in her hands. "Have I mentioned that you're the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on?"

"Not recently," Carina shrugged.

"I didn't think you could get any more beautiful," Maya admitted, "But pregnant Carina is wow," she said a little breathlessly.

Carina let out a laugh and sigh intertwined, she felt joyous but she also felt relief at the easiness between them. "Will you be mad if I tell you I saw the shoebox in your nightstand?"

Maya froze.

"I'm sorry I didn't realize that you were just as sad as me," Carina sighed. "I'm sorry that you felt you had to hide It." Just when she'd gotten a handle on her emotions, she could feel tears creeping up on her again as she held Maya's face in her hands. She didn't make a fuss when she saw a tear escape from the corner of Maya's eye, she just brushed it away. "It's been so hard."

Maya just nodded. "I just wanted to be strong for you."

"I know you did, Bambina. I love you for that, but you don't have to always be strong for me. Sometimes, the best thing is to fall apart in each other's arms. We were both experiencing the same sadness, but we weren't processing it together."

Maya nodded again. "I know that now," she laughed. "Diane has made it very clear," she added. "It's hard to break the habit of a lifetime, but I'm trying."

"I know you are, amore."

"And I'm going to stick with it, I'm going to keep trying. I'm not going to go back to that place," she promised.

Carina nodded. She didn't doubt her. "I've missed you so much," she admitted. "Watching you spiral," she shook her head. "I just wanted to shake you and fix you."

Maya pulled her back in, holding her close as she pressed a kiss to the side of her head. "I wish I'd listened sooner, but I think I had to fall apart so I could put myself together again. Thank you for giving me the space to do it right."

Carina laughed, "Is that what we're going to say I was doing?"

Maya shrugged, pulling back to look her in the eyes, "Sure. I know you needed time; it was important for both of us."

Carina looked down at the pink silicone band on her hand and smiled. "When did you buy this?"

"When you told me you were going to move back in – I needed a little piece of hope to hold onto."

Sentimental fool.

"Come kiss me, Bambina."

~~~

Eventually, Carina was cleared for a return to work, though she was warned within an inch of her life that she would need to take it easy. That meant limited time in the delivery and operating rooms, and more time doing rounds and handling appointments. She wasn't particularly pleased about being sidelined at the station's clinic or Miranda removing her from her responsibilities at the reproductive clinic.

Still, she would grin and bear it because Maya was already a nervous wreck and she didn't want to add any more to her plate, not when things were getting so good between them.

There had been so many turning points over the last several months, but movie night was perhaps the most powerful one. Something about the effort Maya had gone to that night, the way they'd held onto each other while watching movies, barely separated to snack, and then lost themselves in a hot and heavy make-out session halfway through 13 Going on 30 reminded her just how good things could be between them.

It didn't just feel good to be in that position with Maya, she felt safe. That meant everything to her, and she didn't even think twice when Maya scooped her up and carried her to bed. There was no hesitation when they continued their make out session with wanting hands, there were no regrets after, and the exchange the following morning just sealed it in Carina's mind. They were back on track.

Since then, they had mostly fallen into a steady relationship that was growing and improving daily. They didn't put a timeline on it, they didn't put any pressure on themselves; they were taking it a day at a time.

She was more exhausted than she would let on to her colleagues, she didn't want them calling Maya when she was on shift. So, Carina had retired to her office to take a much needed break, putting her feet up by relaxing on the couch with a bottle of water and some of the snacks Maya had packed in her lunch bag. She laughed thinking back at how annoyed she'd been by Maya's insistence over packing her a lunch and plenty of snacks. That Carina was an idiot because this was easily one of her favorite things about pregnancy. She was sure if she batted her eyelashes hard enough Maya might continue the habit even after their baby arrived.

"Hey," Amelia greeted, popping her head around the door. "I heard there was a major fire, 19 were called out, and they're on their way with civilian casualties. So, prepare yourself for your wife to appear at your side, probably with a snack," she winked, disappearing out the door without another word.

Carina laughed, she didn't need a warning that Maya was coming. She could only hope she'd have time to dispense cuddles before she headed back to the station. She remained in her relaxed position, knowing Maya would be more than happy to discover her in this laid-back state. She constantly promised her she was taking time out to rest at work, and this was proof of that.

By the time Maya appeared in her office, Carina had fallen asleep. Maya smiled as she approached her wife, quietly removing the water and snacks still clutched in her hands. She grabbed a blanket from the back of her office chair and covered her as gently as she could manage before pressing a kiss to her forehead. It was probably for the best that she was asleep, she would probably overreact to Maya's very small injury – it looked a lot more dramatic than it was. The gash on her head wasn't deep, but it was long and the butterfly stitches made it seem serious. In reality, it was nothing more than a nasty scrape.

"Hi," Carina greeted, her eyes popping open before Maya could stand.

Maya smiled, "Has anyone ever told you how adorable you are when you sleep?"

Carina rolled her eyes, rubbing them as she sat up. "You tell me that every time you watch me sleep."

"I don't watch you sleep," Maya laughed, taking a seat on the couch next to Carina, immediately lifting her legs across her lap. "It's nice to see you resting at work, though. I'm proud of you, I know how frustrating it's been."

Carina hummed. "I had some snacks, too."

"I saw that," she smiled, rubbing her hand up and down Carina's legs.

"What happened to your head?" Carina sat up properly when she finally looked at Maya's face.

"Just a scratch – they already checked me out," she said, holding her hands up. "Didn't even need stitches."

"Butterfly stitches still count, it's right there in the name!"

Maya nodded, "Sure, but no needle came near my head and I'm absolutely fine. Obviously, I'm sitting right here. Amelia even came and double-checked me," she assured her. "I can't stay long, we need to get back to the station, but I told Vic to make the paperwork process as slow as possible. I just wanted to see you."

Carina sat up, inching her way into Maya's lap for a hug. "You only have a couple hours left and then you can curl up in bed," Maya said quietly, pressing kisses to her neck, hand caressing across her bump. "Then I'll be home before you know it," she added, her hand shifting to squeeze her hip, drawing a wanting growl from Carina's throat. "And I will do more of this," Maya laughed, squeezing a little harder as she stood up with Carina still in her arms, depositing her on the couch and leaning down for a kiss. "I'll see you soon, babe," Maya smiled against her lips before pulling away. "And you too baby," she repeated, moving to kiss the bump. "I love you," she called as she headed for the door. "Both!"

"Ti amo!" Carina shouted after her, smiling as she watched her wife put an extra waggle in her swagger.

~~~

Something Carina had grown to love over her time on bedrest was the quiet time they spent together. They would both sit reading quietly and every once in a while they'd look up and catch each others eye before smiling shyly and looking back at the text in front of them. It had become part of their nightly routine when Maya was home.

This evening was no different, but rather than focus on the book in front of her, Carina could only think about Maya and what was going on between the two of them. Despite the obvious growth in their relationship, Maya had been shy to initiate intimacy. They had shared a bed after movie night, and exchanged a lot of kisses, but it was Carina who made the moves to resume their make out session. She knew why that was, but it made her realize that the bedroom situation was probably one of the biggest obstacles still standing in the way of full healing.

"You can move back into our bedroom, you know," Carina suggested, watching Maya carefully from the comfort of the couch. She noticed the slight twitch on her lips, the smallest of tugs at the corner of her mouth as Maya looked up to make eye contact. She could see the question in her eyes, so Carina just nodded and smiled as she watched the grin bloom on her wife's face.

"I would love that," she nodded, already standing and edging closer to the guest room in an obvious bid to start moving her things back into their room. Carina laughed at her obvious excitement, but it was so comforting to see her Maya back in full force.

"I think you'll find the room has everything you need," Carina winked as Maya laughed, already on her second trip moving her things.

Maya spent an hour moving back into the bedroom, tidying up as she did so. Obviously Carina hadn't stayed on top of that the way Maya would, so she thought it was sweet that her immediate impulse was to make Carina's life a little easier. A little more organized.

Carina settled into bed quickly, watching as Maya buzzed around the room finding busy work. "Maya, why don't you just come to bed?" She could see the nerves radiating from the blonde in waves. It was setting her on edge.

"I still need to take a shower," she responded, pausing to take a look at the room, eager to make sure she'd put everything in its place.

Carina patted the bed, "Come."

"Carina, I'm all sweaty," she complained, but she still made her way over to sit on the bed next to Carina who immediately took hold of the front of her t-shirt.

It was hard to miss the look on Carina's face, the hunger in her eyes… the way she was looking at her right at that moment. It was a look she had missed, one that she hadn't seen in so long.

"Well, I think it's pretty hot." Carina said, tightening her grip on Maya's shirt as she angled her body to press her full lips to Maya's. A thrill ran through her at the feeling of Maya's mouth on hers. She smirked at Maya's slight gasp, and her attempt to play it off.

Maya felt excitement flood her body, blood rushing to and from her head all in one fell swoop, leaving her feeling slightly dazed, a little dizzy, and certainly lost in a lust-filled haze. She wasted no time in kissing back, gently teasing her tongue into Carina's mouth.

Her hands made quick work of removing both of their clothes, slowly teasing Carina's body as she deepened the kiss. She could feel the nerves fluttering in her stomach and maybe it wasn't quite as dramatic as it was their first time together, but it felt close to that.

"You weren't kidding when you said this room had everything I'd need." Maya sighed, pushing Carina onto the bed. "God, you're so beautiful," she murmured against her lips.

"Right back at you," Carina smiled, wrapping her legs around Maya and pulling her on top of her, trying her best to be mindful of her bump. Carina held Maya's face in her hands, brushing a thumb over her bottom lip. "You have no idea how many times I have pictured this exact moment since I moved back in."

"If it's as many times as I have it's a wonder we got anything else done, but I didn't realize you had a crush on me," Maya teased, hoping a small joke might lessen the nerves.

"Are you serious?" Carina laughed, "I thought I was being so obvious, staring at you like you were the perfect steak," she said, her hands squeezing at Maya's ass.

Maya laughed, choosing to ignore the automatic thrust of her hips when Carina gripped her, "I might not be great at reading signals when my emotions are all over the place."

Carina took Maya's hand, guiding it between her legs, "Can you read this signal?"

Maya nodded slowly, trying to ignore just how loudly her breath had hitched in her throat, "How are you already so wet?"

"Well, it all started the moment you bent over right in front of the bed. You know I'm an ass man, Bambina. The sight of your round ass kind of started me thinking about what I wanted you to do to me and now, here we are. "

"What would you like me to do to you?" She kind of hated the way her voice trembled when she asked the question, as though Carina could leverage how excited she was in this moment and use it against her. Just asking the question out loud had Maya's mind reeling, head spinning as she watched Carina carefully for her response, unable to resist a small smile when her brown eyes lit up.

"Everything," Carina whispered, the challenge clear in her eyes. She leaned in close enough to catch Maya's bottom lip gently between her teeth, drawing her into a bruising kiss.

Maya nodded, feeling a bit more sure of herself after hearing that Carina wanted this just as much as she wanted her. Not that it should surprise her, they'd always had an electric physical connection.

It's not like it was even the first time they'd slept together since Carina had moved back in. Granted, the time on the couch… well, that was… it was medicinal? And there was no undressing or even looking into each other's eyes. She was giving Carina the release she needed, but their normal intimacy was absent – it was mechanical because neither of them were ready for more at that moment.

Not really.

This time felt different, though. This time they were back to sharing a bedroom, this time it felt like a much deeper step, one they were taking intentionally. It had been a normal evening, there was no romantic gesture beforehand that set emotions ablaze or declarations to set hearts soaring. It was just the two of them at home and apparently, that was enough.

Maya broke the kiss Carina initiated just so she could be the one to lean and start the kiss again; she could hear her heart pounding in her ears until the sounds of Carina's satisfaction broke through and urged her on.

Carina was heart-stopping.

And heart-starting all at once.

What a time.

Maya pulled back to look at her before, her breath stuttering when she saw the desire in Carina's eyes.

After everything they'd been through, she was almost scared to touch her too hard in case she disappeared. Her lips and tongue barely left a trace as she travelled along Carina's jaw, behind her ear, down the column of her neck to her collarbone, chest, and beyond. While her hands paused to play, her mouth continued to explore, leaving scattered kisses over her bump as she did.

Her gentle affection had Carina writhing in the sheets and by the time Maya reached the sweet spot she was wetter than ever before. Maya took a deep breath in, groaning at the familiar scent and smiled as she teasingly kissed her way back up Carina's body, wiggling her eyebrows when they were face to face.

"I don't think now is the time to tease," Carina said, only slight annoyance in her tone. Despite that annoyance, her hands were in Maya's hair, her fingertips were pressing against her head, desperate to pull her closer. She could see Maya's cheeks coloring pink and it wasn't from exertion.

But then Maya leaned down to initiate a deep kiss and Carina forgot all annoyances. They were skin to skin with hands searching for satisfaction and Carina had never felt better, she'd never felt more alive or loved or ready to be worshipped.

It had been too long since they'd been together in this way and as delicious as their heavy make out session had been, this was like a homecoming. Her wife pulled away just enough to fit a hand between them, brushing and squeezing, eliciting a low whine from Carina. "So sensitive," Maya whispered between kisses.

It had been so long, but it hadn't been long enough for Carina to forget just how good it felt to have Maya this way. Yet, for some reason, she was overwhelmed by the feeling of Maya's lips all over her body and overwhelmed by the emotions that were surfacing as a result.

Maya was handling her so delicately, touching her so tenderly, and as she finally made her way back down her body, Carina was more than ready when her teasing tongue swept in, her legs falling open wider to give Maya as much access as she needed.

"Fuck," Carina's voice was barely a whisper at this point.

Maya hummed in response, which elicited a louder response. "We live alone," she reminded her, "you don't need to whisper. I like it when you get loud," she teased.

Carina's hand found the top of Maya's head, pushing her face deeper, grinding against her mouth. Maya responded immediately, giving her finger and tongue to let Carina take what she wanted, how she wanted it.

Carina finished much quicker than either of them had anticipated.

Pregnancy had given Carina a hairpin trigger apparently.

Breathing heavily, Carina laughed loudly as Maya kissed her way back up her body. When they were face to face Carina grabbed her chin, licking her taste from Maya's face before kissing her deeply. "Holy fuck, Maya."

"Hungry?"

Carina pushed Maya onto her back, though not as smoothly as she had hoped given her bump and the fact that Maya's fingers were still inside her. She wanted to please Maya, but she just couldn't help herself from pushing against her fingers as she grinned, "Ravenous."

One hour later

"You know," Maya sighed heavily, a look of total satisfaction on her face. "When I asked if you were hungry I was being literal."

Carina laughed, "I know, but there was no way I was letting your hard work go unrewarded."

They rolled onto their sides and stared at each other for a moment.

"I'm going to be honest with you," Maya said, "This wasn't exactly how I expected the evening to go. I thought maybe by the end of it I'd have worked up the courage to kiss you again."

Carina smiled, leaning in for another kiss, "Good thing I'm forward."

Some time later

"Okay," Carina said pulling her shirt over her head. "Now I'm hungry." She shuffled off the bed and bent over to pick up the rest of her clothes, giving Maya a full view. Maya groaned loudly. She was hungry, too, but now she was hungry the way Carina had been the last several hours. She clenched her eyes shut, frustrated.

Carina just laughed, fully aware of the move she'd just pulled. "Put some clothes on and wash up, I'll make us something to eat. Do you know what's great for energy? Pasta!"

Maya fell back against the pillow and grinned at the ceiling.

They were so back.

Chapter Text

When Maya had "set the goal" to win Carina back before the baby arrived, she didn't expect them to be so good. She thought they'd still be working on things, that there would be tentative moments where they were still unsure around each other.

But this?

It was more than she could have asked for.

Their "separation" was so brief in the grand scheme of things, it was shorter than the time they'd been putting themselves back together.

She wouldn't change it, though.

As much as it hurt, she was better than she'd ever been.

She felt more at peace.

More confident.

In herself and their relationship.

Happier.

Maybe happier than she'd been in her entire life.

And her relationship with Carina felt solid.

Their foundation was cracked and sinking, and they had done the necessary repair work, resin injections in the form of therapy included, to level things back out. Perhaps a metaphor that was best left in her mind now that she thought about it. She shook her head as she worked to stay in the room, Carina gripping her hand tightly as another contraction washed over her.

"I want you to remind me of this moment," Carina said to no one in particular. "If you ever hear me talk about doing this again, I want you to slap me as hard as you can, right across the face."

Maya cringed, she wasn't sure how serious she would be about that when she'd already stated repeatedly their perfect number would be two, maybe three at a push. Though Maya didn't particularly like the sound of being outnumbered, she found herself willing to do just about anything for Carina. That included keeping an open mind about a third baby, but apparently Carina's mind was currently closing just at the thought of a second.

"I have told my patients so many lies!" she groaned through another contraction; Maya pursed her lips in a bid to keep her laughter in. The last thing Carina would put up with at this moment was laughing at her and not with her.

"I guess that last orgasm wasn't powerful enough," Jo grumbled under her breath, wary of telling Carina she still had a ways to go.

Not that she'd need to tell her, Carina knew, which explained her misery.

Maya glared at Jo, making it clear that she had heard her, even if Carina might have missed it.

"Everybody out!" she instructed, Captain's voice on.

If this was going to take a while, Maya would rather spend some of that time just the two of them, even if it meant she was the sole recipient of Carina's venomous rants.

She could take it.

With the room clear, Carina turned her head with a look of desperation on her face, "I hope you kicked everyone out to make me cum."

Maya laughed nervously, shaking her head. "No, I just thought maybe you'd like some space," she said, trying to offer her most charming smile.

Carina grabbed the front of her t-shirt and pulled her close, "I hope you kicked everyone out to make me cum," she repeated.

"Oh, um, yes, of course," Maya nodded. "That was exactly my plan, I didn't want to spend a few calm moments with you before all hell broke loose or anything."

Carina groaned. "Then you better make me cum quick so you can have a calm moment before I break loose."

"Hey! Why's everyone standing out here?" Vic asked in confusion as she approached the room number Maya had texted to her.

Jo turned, a strained smile on her face, "Maya kicked everyone out."

Vic grinned, nodding as she busted a little move, "I gotcha."

"I don't think that was her intention," she said with a shake of her head, "But I do feel like that's what happening now so I was just going to walk away and give them some time."

Vic nodded, eyes falling to the door. "Maybe I'll swing by the cafeteria, check out what flavors of jello they've got going on today."

"That's a good idea," Jo nodded, turning to walk in the opposite direction. Vic's eyes fell to the door again, briefly toying with the idea of pressing her ear against the door just to make sure… no, that was a terrible idea. She shook her head, panic crossing her face when she spotted Katherine Bishop approaching.

"Mama Bishop!" she greeted, picking up speed as she walked away from danger. "The happy couple are taking some time for themselves right now; I'm just headed to the cafeteria to check out the jello selection. They might even have tapioca. Care to join me?"

Katherine nodded, her eyes looking over Vic's shoulder to the closed hospital room door. "Well, okay, but Maya said-"

"Mmhm," Vic nodded. "I'm sure she did, but Carina just needs a minute or five," she smiled, guiding her away from the risk of overhearing her daughter-in-law climaxing.

"I want this baby out," Carina half-screamed through a contraction.

Maya nodded in agreement. She was starting to think she was just as desperate for this to be over as Carina was and not just because she was looking forward to meeting their child.

"Are we settled on names?" Maya asked out of nowhere, she thought perhaps she could distract Carina with the positive thoughts of their child.

"Uh huh," Carina nodded. Obviously it wasn't going to work.

"You know if we have a girl, Vic is definitely going to think we named her after her, right?"

Carina shrugged, trying to rest for the few moments between contractions. "Victoria has been very good to us, yes?"

Maya smiled, thinking about how Vic had helped her calm down in the cave, the ear she'd offered, and… "Yeah, she's been very good to me," Maya agreed. "I guess it wouldn't so bad if she thinks that, even if it's not true," she chuckled. "But she has been good to both of us." She had put a lot of effort into making their wedding happen and making it special in the middle of a pandemic, and she knew how supportive she'd been of Carina during their rough year.

"I want Jo back."

"Okay…"

"Tell her to hurry this up."

Maya cringed. She would go find Jo, but she certainly wouldn't be telling her to hurry this up. She would, however, be more than happy to warn her that danger was looming. Like counting the seconds between a lightning strike and a clap of thunder and dividing by five to determine just how close a storm was, Maya was sure there was a formula to figure out Carina's fury.

Today probably wasn't the day to figure it out, that day would have been yesterday.

Now she was in the thick of it.

"Did the orgasm not help?" she asked, trying to disentangle herself from Carina's grip.

Carina groaned loudly, "For the seconds it lasted, maybe," she scoffed.

Maya would try not to take that to heart. The moment she let go of Carina's hands, her wife grabbed hold of her again. "Where are you going?!"

"To get Jo?"

"No, you can't leave me," she said, the tears starting again.

Maya just nodded, silently brushing Carina's tears away and pressing kisses to the side of her head.

She would stay put.

Luckily, Jo returned moments later, a smile on her face. "You have quite a crowd gathering outside." She took a seat between Carina's legs. "I'm just going to check our progress."

Maya cringed. She'd told them what room they were in, but suggested they hang out in the waiting room until she let them know it was time.

"A crowd?" Carina groaned, her voice even louder than it had been when she demanded sex. "No!" she said. "No! Send them away!"

"Don't worry," Jo assured her, "Nobody is allowed in unless you say so."

Carina turned her glare to Maya. "Nobody," she repeated.

Maya just nodded. "I know, baby, you already told me you wanted it to be just us. Everybody knows that, I promise you. They definitely know now. They're just excited. I'll keep them all away as long as you want, even if it's for a week," she swore.

"Carina," Jo said, grabbing her attention. "That intense pressure you're feeling right now? The waves of pain? Baby Bishop is ready."

"DeLuca-Bishop," she groaned as the pain intensified.

Maya tried not to laugh, knowing that Jo was doing it intentionally to get Carina focused on the task at hand, but still. Her annoyance was clear.

"I know what you're doing," Carina said, "And I hate both of you."

~~~

Maya had never considered herself a sentimental person – not even when Carina came into her life and made her into the softest version of her. Well, softest version until their daughter arrived.

When she held Vittoria in her arms, a new level of softness was attained and she couldn't believe how perfect their little girl was.

She was so much smaller than Maya had expected.

She'd held plenty of babies, delivered several, but holding her own little girl was surreal. She found herself rubbing each tiny little perfect finger with the tip of her index finger, tracing over the shells of her ears, across her brow, and down to the tip of her perfect little nose.

Up until this point, Maya had believed all babies looked the same – a baby is a baby, she'd shrug.

This baby?

This baby looked like Carina.

Her girls were practically twins, and it didn't matter how many times Carina rolled her eyes at the suggestion, Maya could see it. She could see her wife so clearly in this little girl in her arms.

While Carina rested, Maya just stared at her baby girl in wonder. Still a little in disbelief that she had finally arrived. "You have no idea how hard we worked to have you, my beautiful girl" she whispered, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "And no baby will ever be as loved as you are."

"Until she has a sibling," Carina corrected.

Maya looked up and caught her wife's eye. "Did you have a nice nap?"

Carina nodded. She bounced back quicker than Maya expected – she thought she'd be more interested in sleeping as much as possible, but after a short nap, she was solely focused on putting food in her belly because she wasn't just tired, she was hungry.

A hungry Carina was bad news for everyone. After exchanging several kisses, she made her demands.

"I need you to get in your car and go to Kiss Cafe for sandwiches. I need a French Dip and I need an Antipasti and I need a Fully Monty. Do you understand?"

Maya made a face. She understood – but, she also knew there was no way on earth Carina would be able to eat all that. She'd be lucky if she cleared half of one of those things in her current condition. She had an appetite, sure, but that was… well, it was enough to feed three people.

Maya handed their daughter to Carina, peppering kisses across Carina's face as she did before leaning down to give the baby a gentle forehead kiss. "I'll see you soon, my girls."

"And a Crack Pretzel," Carina added. "And a Root Beer Float!" she shouted as Maya made her way to the door.

Make that four people.

"Maya, wait!"

Maya paused at the door, turning to look back at Carina with raised brow.

"I need you to repeat my order back to me."

Maya closed her eyes, counting to ten inwardly. Kiss Cafe wasn't exactly the closest eatery she could have chosen. "French Dip, Antipasti, Fully Monty, Crack Pretzel, and a Root Beer Float. Anything my girl wants," she added, desperately hoping she sounded more patient than she felt.

"Maya," Carina halted Maya in her tracks again.

"Yeah, babe?" she turned with a somewhat forced smile.

"Get something for yourself too, huh?"

Maya laughed, shaking her head as she turned to embark on her trip.

"I love you," Carina called after her. She knew she was on thin ice, but they could call it a push present.

While Maya was making the food run, Carina's focus was on the little girl in her arms.

She had been an emotional wreck for much of her pregnancy, so it was no surprise that her emotions were everywhere after giving birth. She didn't want to cry all over her daughter, but that's exactly what she was doing.

"I roll my eyes, but I think Mommy is right – you do look just like me." She laughed quietly at that. It felt quite unbelievable that her dream had come true, that she was looking at the tiny human they had gone through so much pain trying to make. "You, il mio sole, are the greatest thing I've ever done, and I've done some really cool stuff."

Epilogue

Maya sighed as the doorbell rang twice in quick succession.

She felt like this was her first chance at peace in days – granted, she had a clingy one year old practically attached to her hip as she tried to clean the house.

Still, that was peace to Maya now.

Perfect peace.

Work was good – it was still important to her, but nothing was more important than ending a shift and getting home to her girls. And spending one-on-one time with Tori was her favorite way to spend her days off. It's just that Tori was always focused on fast forwarding to the part where Maya finished the business end of the day so they could get to the fun part. Oblivious to the fact that she was slowing things down.

Now someone else was trying to rain on her peace.

She scooped Tori up from the floor where she'd just settled and carried her to the door, brow furrowing when she opened it to find Carina on the doorstep.

"Uh?" Maya shook her head in confusion, trying to keep a tight grip on Tori who was now bouncing wildly on her hip, overexcited at the unexpected sight of her Mama.

"I'm pregnant."

Maya tilted her head, "Deja vu," she said in confusion.

Carina opened her arms, happy to fulfill Tori's wish to be in her arms. She watched Maya's face, waiting for the news to settle. She raised her eyebrows expectantly, and Maya placed her hand on her chest as she sorted through her brief confusion.

She was sure they had agreed to take a test together tomorrow morning, so she was perplexed at the sight of Carina delivering big news as she now peppered kisses all over Tori's slightly sticky cheeks.

Carina stepped into the house, slinging an arm around Maya's neck and pulling her in for a kiss. "Did I break you?"

"I'm so confused."

"I know we were supposed to take the test together tomorrow morning, but apparently," she held a hand to her stomach, "Baby had other plans. I fainted and they automatically took blood," she shrugged. "So, I'm sorry to surprise you again-"

Maya shook her head, pulling Carina in closer. "Never apologize, especially for delivering good news," she laughed, pressing a kiss to Carina's lips and another to the side of Tori's head.

"When three become four," Carina grinned.

"Are you ready?"

"A little bit unravelled," Carina shrugged, "But I'm ready."

"Well, sign me up because I'm definitely ready," Maya confirmed, guiding Carina to the couch. "Now, you're on couch rest for the day," she said firmly. "What can I get you?"

Carina groaned loudly, laughing as Tori patted her hands against her cheeks. "Maya, I cannot deal with the smothering again."

Maya climbed onto her lap, smooshing a very giggly Tori between them. "Well, get used to it," she said pressing kiss after kiss to Tori's cheek, before turning her lips to Carina's, "Because your girls are going to smother you like sausage gravy on biscuits."

Carina sat up at that, it sounded delicious. "Well, you can start by smothering sausage gravy on biscuits," she said, leaning forward to capture Maya's lips in a short kiss. "And apple juice."

As frustrated as Carina had often been with Maya during her pregnancy with Vittoria, she could look back on it fondly. Their relationship might have been imperfect, but Maya had gone to great lengths to show her how much she cared by taking care of her.

All of those frustrations were easily overridden by how deeply she loved her wife, even in the darkest of moments.

Especially in the darkest of moments.

Even when she wanted to hold onto the anger, she couldn't shake the belief that they would recover. Carina was sure they would always be okay, that they would always find their way back to each other no matter what life threw at them.

The capacity to forgive was what started the healing between them and sure, there were some very difficult, but necessary, therapy sessions to sort through some of the concerns about trust moving forward… but, ultimately, they had emerged stronger.

And happier.

Forgiveness healed them once, and it probably would again.